Boobs on Your Tube: These “Bachelor in Paradise” Queers Will Not Be Outdone By “Are You The One?”
This week is the most important week of the TV year, the week we open voting in our GAY EMMYS! (Get those votes in before this weekend is up, friends!) Also this week, every queers favorite summer pastime of came to an end as Are You The One? aired its finale. Riese went to a party with the cast in Los Angeles. Stef interviewed Paige! A whole new episode of To L and Back made its way to the podcasting app of your choice. Valerie let you in on some seestra secrets in the new seralized novel of Orphan Black. And Natalie ran down the top ten sketches from this summers brilliant A Black Lady Sketch Show.
Notes from the TV Team:
+ Ryan Murphy’s latest entry in his American Horror Story anthology series, 1984, debuts on Sept. 18th. — Natalie
+ Pose and AHS: 1984 star, Angelica Ross, held court on the latest episode of “Black Women OWN the Conversation.” She was fabulous, as usual, and this segment with her mother left me in tears. — Natalie
Grand Hotel 113: “A Perfect Storm”
Written by Carmen
Grand Hotel took it’s likely final bow this week, a fact that I am personally mourning even though I think I was one of only five people that actually watched this soapy pot of goal. It’s fine. Just mix me another mojito and point me towards the beach.
The finale solves the mystery of what happened to Sky the night of the hurricane (spoiler: she died; but I think everyone knew that already). To answer the Whodunit, the show takes us through a variety of flashbacks highlighting Sky and Yoli’s young love. Most important? Shortly before the hurricane, Yoli snuck Sky up to her parents penthouse where they cooked dinner, made out, and told stories about their childhood.
Sky always wondered what it would have been like to grow up rich like Yoli instead of in foster care, which gives Yoli a brilliant idea – they can play dress up in her mother’s closet the same way she used to with her sister as a little girl. Watching them try on and make fun of Gigi’s clothes is PEAK CUTE, that is until Yoli opens up Gigi’s safe.
Inside the safe are the kind of diamonds that could be pawned for the equivalent of a small private island, but Sky notices something else instead. Behind the jewels in a secret compartment is a letter – the suicide note left behind by Beatriz, the OG matriarch of the Mendoza family.
PAUSE. We learned a few weeks ago that Sky and Yoli used to fool around in a secret room in the hotel where, years earlier, Beatriz died by suicide. Gigi, Beatriz’s best friend, discovered her and that note. It details that Beatriz found out that Santiago was unknowingly the father of an employee at the hotel. Gigi hid the note – supposedly to protect Santiago from the truth, but also I think to protect her own daughters’ (Santiago’s step daughters) future stake in the hotel. UNPAUSE.
Sky steals the letter and wants to blackmail Gigi. Gigi’s not having that so she tells everyone that Sky stole diamonds and must be fired. Yoli freaks out of course, because she thought that she and Sky were true love but now thinks her girlfriend is a thief (to be fair, Sky is a thief. Just know in the way Yoli assumes).
Gigi confronts Sky the fateful night of the hurricane and corners her outside. Earlier in the season we already saw security camera footage of Gigi soaking wet from the storm, sobbing and covered in blood – so clearly some bad shit is about to go down.
However, it turns out that Gigi didn’t kill Sky after all! Another hotel employee hit her in the back of a head to protect the family secret.
As much as I loved Grand Hotel, it is a bummer that it went off into the Miami sunset on a Dead Lesbian note. Even if we knew she was dead from the start of the series. Rest in Peace Sky Garibaldi. We barely knew you.
Bachelor in Paradise 611 & 612
Written by Meg Jones Wall
On Monday, Demi explained to both friends and the cameras that Kristian’s easy physical affection with other female cast members made her uncomfortable. And while the initial interviews come across as simple jealousy, Demi’s eventual conversation with Kristian revealed that she’s actually wrestling with both deep-seated insecurities and internalized homophobia, so worried about what everyone around her thinks that she’s afraid to be outwardly demonstrative in her relationship. Kristian is supportive, encouraging, and a goddamn dream, reminding Demi that coming out, establishing a relationship with a woman, and being filmed the entire time is a particularly stressful (and deeply abnormal) situation. Kristian says over and over, “You are enough,” and it clearly means the world to Demi. It’s one of the most open and honest conversations on this topic I’ve ever seen on television, and it’s frankly mind-blowing to see it on Bachelor in Paradise.
Tuesday brought the final rose ceremony of the season, and afterwards Chris Harrison told the cast members to shit or get off the pot. Each couple had to decide if they want to break up or give their relationship a shot in the real world, with couples that choose to stay together getting an overnight date and everybody else going home. We got a bit more of Kristian’s perspective, where she explained that she’s used to being “the rock” in her relationships but it ends up making her feel unsupported and unsure of where she stands with her partners. When it’s time for the women to have their conversation, they were each open and honest about their fears, Demi worried that if she shares too much of herself Kristian won’t like what she sees, and Kristian concerned that Demi isn’t ready to be in a fully committed relationship with her – but the women both listen and communicate clearly, reassuring each other and ultimately deciding to stay. “You’re the only person I’ve ever felt this strongly about and wanted to be with this badly,” Demi said through tears. Kristian looked deeply relieved, Demi looked thrilled, and they both said “I love you” a bunch more times and the whole thing was very sweet.
The finale airs Tuesday September 17th, and will include fantasy suites, proposals, a reunion show, and the reveal of the next Bachelor. Demi and Kristian have easily been the best part of an otherwise tedious season, and here’s hoping they’ll get the happy ending we all deserve.
Why Women Kill 105: “There’s No Crying in Murder”
Written by Natalie
“Nice girls, they break the law every day, when they need to…”
*GULP*
Despite Eli’s urging and the fallout from Duke’s assault last week, Taylor’s intent on taking a trip to Fresno. It’s partly a work trip — she’s been slated to attend a legal conference for months — but, really, she’s going to share the news of her throupling with her sisters. She wants them to know about her new living situation before they show up at their house. While Jade helps Taylor pack, Eli is recruited to take the door out, only to run into his agent, Lamar, as he makes his way outside. Turns out, Eli promised Lamar a new script — one that his agent had been hyping to Paramount — a month ago and has been ducking Lamar’s calls ever since. Lamar gives Eli an ultimatum: either he turns in a script in 24 hours or he’s dropping him as a client.
Instead of getting to work, Eli throws a pity party for himself on the living room floor. While gorging himself on cheese, Eli laments that his one successful movie was a fluke: he’s only written 50 pages and they’re all terrible. Jade volunteers to read those 50 pages and offer the man-child some constructive criticism. She advises him to make changes to his main character — make her less of a damsel in distress — and suggests an alternative plot. Unless Jade just got done binging The Wire, her suggestions seem a little ominous to me, but, of course, Eli thinks nothing of it.
Meanwhile, Taylor tentatively wades into a discussion with her sisters about her new living situation over lunch. They’re elated about the prospect that she left Eli — I like the sisters already — but Taylor corrects them: she’s moved her lover into their home and they are officially a throuple. Her sisters are shocked but there’s far less yelling about it than I would’ve imagined; instead, the question all the things Taylor hadn’t yet considered, namely how she’ll feel if and when love sprouts between Eli and Jade. The sisters refuse to judge Jade but they are more than ready to judge the fuck out of Eli for all he’s put their sister through. Taylor assures them that Eli’s change but the sisters are not having it.
“Men never change,” one sister warns, while the other adds, “they just get better at keeping secrets.”
Later, Jade finds Eli collapsed against his laptop and offers him an Adderall to help him stay awake and focus. Though he’s reluctant, he eventually takes the pill and rushes to complete his work. He doesn’t finish but he delivers to Lamar what he has and his agent calls it the best thing Eli’s ever written. Eli thanks Jade for her help and then, predictably, they fall into bed together. After they’ve done the deed, Taylor calls and Eli tells a transparent lie about what’s going on at home…and suddenly the worst case scenario comes into focus for Taylor: maybe her sisters were right.
BH90210 106: “The Long Wait”
By Riese
See that woman over there with those sad unadorned packages? That’s where Tori snatched all her bow.
My friends, during my six-week mental health sabbatical there were many moments when I missed you, but perhaps no moment more intense than the moment in which Betty from Bomb Girls kissed ANDREA ZUCKERMAN.
At the pilot wrap party, Gabrielle tells Jenny and Tori she’s working things out with Chris ’cause she’s not ready to throw away ten years of marriage with that guy to pursue self-discovery, and also finally spills regarding her lip-lock and subsequent consent form signing experience with Christine Elise, who later in the episode wore this outfit, which ruined my life.
“Hello I’d like to turn myself in for a crime against fashion?”
Tori goes behind Chris’ back to get the test audience feedback reports, which the cast responds to as if these relatively tame tidbits from humans paid to provide brutally honest feedback on a television program is the first negative feedback they have ever received in their lives. Gabrielle, going on a jog with her lesbian haircut and probably listening to her Upbeat Tegan & Sara playlist, learns that audiences find her “gay or bi” storyline to be “funny,” which she finds upsetting.
At the Peach Pit pop-up (this actually exists and is very close to my apartment and the interior looks great in this episode but IRL the exterior bears MINIMAL resemblance to the actual Peach Pit!!! JUST SAYING) party, Chris shows up in another illegal outfit that is throwing its very own party in the back. She reveals to the cast that Fox has only one slot left on their schedule and it’s between them and an O.C. reboot. For the latter, Mischa Barton has allegedly been grilling tilapia for 24 hours at The O.C.’s pop-up seaside cafe, almost as if her character did not already die in a fire!! Also Shannen Doherty saved a possum who’d been hit by a car and thus she showed up covered in possum blood, and my full entirety of a reaction to this can be summed up thusly and following: SHAVEN’T. SHANNON YOU SHAVEN’T HAVE.
The following day the cast gathers at Brian’s place for a fully catered barbecue, which Gabrielle shows up to in a white Escalade, blasting hip-hop. Great news: the show got picked up!!!!! I hope they have a Christmukkah episode though.
Next up is a laborious cross-country journey to New York City for a kick-off party mostly focused on all the cast kinda still wanting to do the horizontal mambo with each other. Gabrielle brings her husband, which leads to a not at all awkward encounter with Christine in the hotel lobby. When Gabrielle reveals to her husband later that Christine was indeed the lady with whom she fingerbanged, he says he figured but also isn’t sure how much longer the “I don’t know” stage of her journey is gonna work for him. Then she says he’s her best friend and kisses him, so, eek.
Just before the cast is due onstage to discuss the reboot, Chris tells them the show will be shooting in Canada, they’re replacing the guest cast and reshooting the pilot but also cannot afford to bring all seven of them back, which doesn’t really make any sense! In addition to existing for six mere episodes, BH90210’s yet to get a Season Two pick-up. You cannot dangle a queer Andrea Zuckerman in front of my face and then snatch it back, fox. You cannot! Also, remember when we wrote about the 90210 characters we wanted to fingerbang on 90210 day? What a time THAT was to be alive.
A Record-Breaking 9 Women of Color TV Couples Fell in Love This Summer
As the TV Team closes out our summer coverage and starts preparing for the new fall television season, we realized a trend that we absolutely couldn’t wait to tell you about!
This summer, for the first time in television history (!!), there were a record breaking nine women of color couples on TV!!! That’s just counting between May and August! It’s been a summer of love for women of color (if you include interracial relationships with white women, there have been 15 relationships total), which is already a rarity – but women of color are almost never allowed to love one another on television. This is groundbreaking. Women of color finally being given space to find beauty and strength and comfort in each other for once… well, those are the kind of love stories we can’t wait to hear more of.
😍 😍 😍
Kat Edison and Tia Clayton, The Bold Type
Where to Watch: Freeform
When The Bold Type returned for its third season, I was really worried about Kat Edison. She was going through a very rough break up with her first-ever girlfriend, Adena, and it was taking a toll on her. She was also having to figure out what it meant to be queer for the first time on her own two feet and without a partner beside her. In that process Kat discovered parts of herself that she never knew before (including political aspirations!), but most importantly she discovered new confidence in the parts of life that are messy and not Social Media perfect. That confidence became infectious for Tia, her campaign manager, who’d previously had a hard and isolating time dealing with her own queerness.
Tia looks at Kat like she is a ray of sun brought to earth. In Tia, Kat finds a grounding and patient presence instead of her go-to impulsiveness. They are in many ways opposites, but that makes them an even stronger team, together. Kat and Tia have conversations about negotiating the one-two punch of systematic racism and homophobia that I never would’ve believed The Bold Type could pull off – and they do it with relatability and grace. Also, excuse me but I just have to say this, when they have sex, it’s really hot. – Carmen
Kat Edison and Adena El-Amin, The Bold Type
Where to Watch: Freeform
I have to tell the truth, when Kat and Adena broke up last summer – I was mad at Adena El-Amin. In fact, I was so mad that when Adena returned to New York at the end of The Bold Type’s third season, I was not ready to forgive her. I was happy for Kat’s new relationship with Tia, I enjoyed the woman Kat was growing up to become, and as far as I was concerned Adena had missed the boat. It was her loss. Oh man, how wrong I was.
One minute in the hallway at Scarlet in front of the elevators, and Kat knows it right away. She tries to hold it together. She wills herself not to cry. But the second she’s alone with her friends, she can’t hold it in any longer. She still loves Adena and it hasn’t gone away. Adena’s learned more about herself in their time apart as well. She realizes now that she was blaming Kat for her own insecurities. Ultimately they don’t quite stay together this time either, but The Bold Type has sold me on this: Kadena is in it for the long haul, and that is one slow burn I cannot wait to watch unfold. – Carmen
Arlene Branch and Annalisa “Quiet Ann” Zayas, Claws
Where to Watch: TNT
During the first season of Claws, Arlene Branch steps out of her unmarked police cruiser and spots Ann Zayas setting up her perch outside the nail salon. She saunters over, in her leather jacket and aviators, and flirts by way of historic trivia. It’s a rarity for Ann to be seen — everyone around her is so ostentatious, it’s easy for them to eclipse her light — but Arlene really sees her and, I think, Ann starts to fall in love with her right at that moment.
Somewhere between having her baby snatched from her teenage arms and her time in prison, Ann had stopped believing that love was possible but when Arlene offers it, she holds on for dear life, even when she shouldn’t. Dating a cop when you and your friends are laundering money for a pill mill is probably not the best idea but the heart wants what the heart wants. They plan a life together, they plan a family together and then it all falls apart. They betray each other — Ann first, then Arlene — but their attraction is undeniable and they find their way back to each other.
This season on Claws, Arlene and Ann built the family that they always wanted. They marry quietly, in a small courthouse ceremony, they listen to the heartbeat of their unborn child and then, perhaps in the greatest display of love there is, Arlene sacrifices her career life to keep their family safe. – Natalie
Delle Seyah Kendry and Aneela, Killjoys
Where to Watch: SyFy
Delle Seyah Kendry, played by Mayko Nguyen, made her mark the moment she appeared on screen, with her snarky attitude and sultry glares, and of course our love for her was only helped by her tendency to relentlessly flirt with Dutch (Hannah John-Kamen). Of course, this set shipper hearts ablaze, even though Dutch had eyes for someone else. But, in a move not unlike Jane the Virgin’s, it seemed the Powers that Be heard the pleas for a Delle Seyah/Dutch team-up and gave Kendry the next best thing: Aneela. Also played by Hannah John-Kamen, Aneela is identical in looks to Dutch, though she’s different in just about every other way.
Race isn’t really discussed in this life-or-death space race of a universe (well, alien races are I guess…), so it doesn’t really matter to them, but it’s pretty cool for us that this dream team is comprised of two women of color. Both complex and ruthless, Aneela and Kendry were dubbed the Green Queens and could be seen as villains if you weren’t paying enough attention, but upon a closer look, you can tell their love for each other is true and their intentions are good, even when their methods leave something to be desired, or when their past comes back to haunt them. In this final season, Aneela and Delle Seyah have a child (a child that is a few weeks old but also a teenager, because sci-fi) and have a few more adventures to go on together before this final season comes to a close in a few weeks. – Valerie
Nova Bordelon and Chantal Williams, Queen Sugar
Where to Watch: OWN
When Queen Sugar announced that they were finally going to give Nova Bordelon another woman love interest, I was fully prepared for Octavia Laurent (more on her below). Not in a million years did I think we would see the return of Chantal, her girlfriend from the beginning of the series.
Anytime Chantal and Nova kiss, my heart lights on fire like clockwork. I will always love them. The thing about Chantal Williams is that she is one of the few people in Nova’s life who does not fall for her bullshit. She knows her worth, and whether it’s about community politics or matters of the heart – she is always willing to point out the ways Nova can grow to get on her level. I want Nova to be the best possible version of herself, and Chantal wants that too. She wants a relationship she can grow in, which I think is the whole point of relationships at all. But until Nova is ready to make those choices on her own, I fear they will continue to be ships passing in the night. As long as that means we still get to drop in on Chantal every once and a while… well, I’m learning to be OK with that. – Carmen
Nova Bordelon and Octavia Laurent, Queen Sugar
Where to Watch: OWN
There’s everything wrong with Octavia Laurent’s past affair with her then-student, Nova Bordelon, or her current affair with the graduate student who looks like Nova’s doppelganger. Professors who sleep with students are unfairly taking advantage of uneven power dynamics. It’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s wrong. But, still…there’s something tantalizing about how easily Nova and Octavia slide back into the romance that they once shared.
It begins, as I imagine it used to when Nova was a student, with an intellectual sparing match, but once they’re alone, emotions come to the fore. Like her family, Octavia’s hurt by her portrayal — or lack thereof — in Nova’s book, but unlike Nova’s family, Octavia offers her former student a way to make amends… on her lips, in her arms, between her sheets. This will end badly, we know it from the moment they debate who made the other scream louder, but for the moment, it gives Nova hope: someone who loved her once, hurt by her writing, could love her again. – Natalie
Yolanda (Yoli) Renna and Marisa, Grand Hotel
Where to Watch: ABC
I started Grand Hotel on a lark. I don’t know why, but I love cheesy soapy television in the summer. I think it’s all the rosé. Anyway, I fell for this show right away, but there was something about Yoli. The ugly duckling to her twin sister’s supposedly more “beautiful” swan, my heart broke for her. She was the afterthought in her own family! That’s no way to live!
Then came Marisa, who saw Yoli in a way no one else in her life could. To Marisa, Yoli was the most beautiful woman in the room every time, even when she was mopping the floors. When her family lets her down, it’s Marisa who is there to pick her up. It’s Marisa who strokes her thumb against her cheek and reminds her that she’s gorgeous, brave, and not deserving of life’s scraps. It’s Marisa who gives her the strength to come out to her family and finally forge a new relationship – as equals – with her sister.
And when Marisa needs Yoli most, because she’s terrified of what it means to be undocumented in our country right now, Yoli doesn’t think twice of being there for her, too. “We’re family now,” Yoli tells Marisa while she wipes away her tears. Sometimes there is romance (and trust me, this has a lot of romance), but sometimes there is an intimacy of shared community that can’t be found anywhere else. Yoli and Marisa have found both. – Carmen
Arthie Premkumar and Yolanda Rivas, GLOW
Where to Watch: Netflix
In Season Three, Arthie and Yolanda on Netflix’s GLOW are in a full-on relationship, which has its ups and downs as the wrestling team settles into their new home in Vegas. Arthie is still figuring out her sexuality, and there are lots of adorable baby gay moments (some that will maybe make you cry a little bit!). But they also get some hot sex scenes, including one where they literally turn wrestling moves into foreplay!!!!!!! FINALLY this implicitly VERY gay show is explicitly gay. Sometimes these characters are a little too boxed-in, but their relationship and the drama within it is one of the season’s ongoing subplots, and things end on a promising note for the lovebirds. – Kayla
Kelsey Phillips and Brooke Morgan, Dear White People
Where to Watch: Netflix
Ahh, the joy of young awkward nerds in love. Brooke and Kelsey have one thing in common – they both annoy everyone else in their friend group. Brooke, a journalism major at Dear White People’s fictional Ivy League setting, chases career ambitions above everything else. It makes her kind of hard to get along with. Kelsey, also a student at the school, has been sheltered by her class privilege, so much so that people find it difficult to relate to her. Both of them are the kind of black girls you don’t often get to see on TV – outsiders who have friends in their black peer group, but more often than not feel alone. That is, until they find each other.
Kelsey’s slow courtship of Brooke is hands down the most swoon-worthy story I watched this summer. Wait! “Swoon-worthy” is wrong. These girls are far too awkward for that. What is the word for “made me shove my face into a pillow and scream out of delight and then draw little imaginary hearts around their cute little faces with my finger tips”? Dear White People may have a checkered past when it comes to black lesbian and queer representation, but finally in Season Three – they got something right. – Carmen
Boobs on Your Tube: You Need to Watch “Why Women Kill,” Don’t Make Us Tell You Again
Hello, Boobs Tubers, and welcome to the week The L Word: Generation Q trailer finally dropped and was annotated in obsessive detail by our very own TV Team. Also, speaking of Bette Porter: a new episode of To L and Back. What else? Well, Carmen raved about the nerdy black girls we deserve finally showing up on Dear White People. Meg Jones Wall marveled at how well Bachelor in Paradise is handling the sexually fluid queer relationship. Kayla loved and also had a few questions about season three of GLOW. Nel recapped Pose‘s emotional season finale. And the TV Team shared all their gay feelings about Jane the Virgin, which is now all on Netflix.
Notes and Reminders from the TV Team:
+ This isn’t necessarily gay, but if you love watching actresses at the peak of their craft – I couldn’t recommend the last two weeks of Queen Sugar any higher. These last two episodes have been a masterclass from everyone. In particular, Bianca Lawson is giving one of the finest performances I’ve seen all year. Seriously, it’s phenomenal. And Nova is finally coming back around! — Carmen
+ Queer barbarian Yasha has been MIA on Critical Role lately (thanks for nothing Blindspot) but Beau continues to be a perfect lesbian disaster, and recently bisexual actress Mica Burton (daughter of beloved storyteller LaVar Burton) played a queer druid for a guest stint and I’m not totally caught up but SHE’S SO CUTE AND I LOVE HER and I just needed you to know it. — Valerie Anne
This Way Up Season One
Written by Drew
This Way Up, a new series on Hulu written by and starring Aisling Bea, joins what is quickly becoming my new favorite genre: six-episode British shows written by their female leads. Yes, television is a beautiful landscape with lots of different types of work, but if you put me on a desert island with only The Bisexual, Fleabag, Crashing, Catastrophe, Chewing Gum, and now This Way Up, I’d be like cool a desert island with a TV I love my life.
Before you get too excited, Aine, the protagonist of This Way Up is not gay. In fact, none of the main characters are. The only out queer character is Aine’s sister’s business partner, Charlotte. But, if you’re patient, I promise the show ends with a queer surprise! And if you read gayness into everyone like I do you’ll totally see it coming and the whole season will feel pretty gay.
It’s also very easy to be patient, because the show is just really good. The premise may not seem primed for comedy, as it begins with Aine returning from a mental health facility after a suicide attempt, but Bea has a talent for finding the moments of joy and absurdity within the difficulty of life. Aine is almost too good for the world as she cracks jokes and goes out of her way helping strangers and acquaintances… while letting down her sister, her friends, and herself.
The supporting cast is filled with talent such as Sharon Horgan, Kadiff Kirwan, Indira Varma, Chris Geere, and Aasif Mandvi. Good is such a simple word, but this show is just good, and I mean that in a deeper sense than quality. Its heart is so pure and its characters are always trying so hard. There isn’t even an antagonist. Just a lot of messy people trying their best to take care of themselves and be kind to one another. Sometimes they fail, sometimes they succeed, and it’s always a pleasure to watch.
Killjoys 505: A Bout, A Girl
Written by Valerie Anne
Let me tell you what, covering a show that airs on Friday nights for Boob Tube, a column that goes up Friday day, is extremely frustrating when an episode is amazing and you have to wait A FULL WEEK to shout about it. Episode 505 was my favorite episode of the season so far. It opens with Delle Seyah WITH A BOW AND ARROW. AND A SLEEVELESS LEATHER OUTFIT. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any gayer, Jaq starts asking about his other mother and Kendry says it hurts too much to talk about her. (And tries to explain to Jaq how she’s related to him by saying, and I quote, “Sometimes when a woman loves another woman very much, she keeps the human hybrid baby an evil man put inside her and promises to protect that boy forever.”
And after that we spend most of our time in the prison, so I thought the only futher gayness I was going to be able to report was how I had an entire gay panic attack when Dutch got herself entered into a prison fight and KICKED SO MUCH ASS. And of course you KNOW Dutch is strong and you KNOW Dutch is hot but it’s never been showcased quite as explicitly and lovingly and not in a kick-and-go kind of way and WHEW was it perfection.
But then! As the episode comes to a close and Archer!Kendry gives Jaq a beautiful speech about how much she loves him and gets him to the magic cube safely…a wild Aneela appears.
It’s weird to say “a sight for sore eyes” since TECHNICALLY her face has been everywhere BUT I STILL MISSED HER.
The pure, unadulterated joy and shock on Kendry’s face here is so new it’s almost alarming but wow does it make my heart do flips.
Delle Seyah falls to her knees in a literal sense, and I do the same in a metaphorical sense, relieved to the all hells that my Green Queens are back together again.
Why Women Kill 102: “I’d Like to Kill Ya, But I Just Washed my Hair”
Written by Natalie
Eli: So what can I do to help?
Taylor and Jade: Absolutely nothing.
So, first things first: if you’re intrigued by the prospect of stepping into the simultaneous lives of a 1960s Pasadena housewife, a 1980s socialite and a modern-day polyamorous bisexual lawyer, CBS All Access has made the first episode of Why Women Kill available for free. Or if you just want to relive Kirby Howell-Baptiste telling her contractor that her dick is bigger than his over and over again, you can do that now too.
But onto this week: Taylor, Eli and Jade are enjoying some takeout and wine when Eli asks about how the pair met. Taylor explains she was shopping for bras — lingerie that he assumes was for his benefit but wasn’t — when her zipper got stuck and she asked Jade for help. One thing led to another and they hooked up, for the first time, in the dressing room. Eli savors the story until he discovers that their relationship is months old, not weeks, as Taylor had said. At first, he seems upset, hastily excusing himself to get pie, but when he slides his white, pasty bare ass into the Jacuzzi with them later, it’s clear what Eli’s motives are. Thankfully, Taylor’s more than willing to call him on his bullshit.
“You thought if you left Jade and I alone to get comfortable, we’d get a little loose, a little frisky, and then you could just slide right in and the three of us would fuck the night away,” she says. Eli admits that she’s right and begs her for a threesome. Taylor’s reluctant, at first, but when Jade says she’s game, they follow her up to the bedroom.
I groan audibly as it starts, I know how this is gonna go. Eli, with his self-satisfied smirk, knows how this is gonna go. But, as it turns out, both Eli and I are wrong…sure, he gets to have his fantasy fulfilled, but it feels like a formality…like it was a chore that Taylor and Jade needed to do in order to do what they really wanted to do: have sex with each other. Eli tries to help but the women push him out of bed and take care of themselves. When he returns to the room later — tired of waiting for them to come downstairs for pie à la mode — Eli spots his wife gently caressing her lover and he realizes the mess that he’s made.
Later, Taylor finds Eli sulking and asks what’s wrong. He responds by asking if she’s in love with Jade and when Taylor doesn’t answer right away, he takes her silence as a yes. She obfuscates by appealing to his insecurity about his career and assures him that, while Jade’s more than a hook-up, he’s the only love in her life. Eli accepts her defense and rushes off to the kitchen to get the pie, leaving a guilty looking Taylor staring out the window of her Pasadena home.
BN90210 103: “The Photo Shoot”
Written by Carmen
This is literally how I look at my phone when I’m trying to figure out what Tik Tok is. Welcome to Club Olds.
Well, let me tell you one thing: Gabrielle Carteris’ husband did NOT take her big coming out the way any of us had hoped, that’s for sure. And yes, for sure, finding out your wife of at least 20 years is queer would surprise most cis straight middle aged men, but c’mon! His outrage ranges from the biphobic (“You’re into women? I’m not a woman!” – way to make assumptions there, my guy) to the incredulous. Honestly, if Gabrielle divorced him at this point, I’d be fine with it. But she says he is her best friend and I do want whatever is best for, so I hope they work it out. I guess.
MEANWHILE there’s a couple of fun cameos this week! The cast’s group therapist was also the mom of one of the characters (please don’t ask me who) in the original series. Also, last week we met a producer who used to be in the cast, but I didn’t pay attention. Now I’m fully invested because it turns out this person is here and queer and proud of it! Her name is Christine Elise and she’s hot. If you’re the kind of gay who is into P!nk or that one Dixie Chick, you are going to find your needs very satisfied here. Anyone wants to tell me who hot producer Christine Elise played in the original series, I would super appreciate it.
Hot producer Christine Elise is very interested in Gabrielle’s (ahem, excuse me, Andrea’s) coming out arc in the reboot. She tells Gabrielle to cut the shit – she knows a IRL gay when she sees one. And then this is super cute! Gabrielle pulls out a notebook to interview Christine about what it’s like to be gay for “research” for her “character”! Christine recommends putting down the notebook and hitting the club – or at least getting on some apps! – because some experiences can only happen for yourself.
The episode ends with Christine visiting Gabrielle on set. Gabrielle hasn’t had much luck on the apps yet, but Christine boosts her confidence. Lots of babes are going to want to date her, and sure enough Christine is one of those babes. Let’s do this.
(Also, drumroll please! SHANNEN DOHERTY IS OFFICIAL BACK! I know this – wherever Shannen is, diva drama surely follows, and I for one cannot wait!)
Grand Hotel 110: “Suite Little Lies”
Written by Carmen
❤️❤️❤️
It’s been a while since we caught up with Yoli, and here’s what she has been up to: Her father is some kind of Bernie Madoff who made a lot of money conning rich people in pyramid schemes. For most of Yoli’s life, he’s been on the run from the Feds. Now he’s back and Yoli (along with Carolina) have been hiding him in the hotel. It’s over the top and messy, but whatever, we all knew what we signed up for when we started this show.
Yoli wants Marisa to meet her felon dad, but her girlfriend is very resistant to the entire ordeal. When Yoli ponders leaving the country with her dad for while so he can find safety, Marisa fully freaks out. She can’t handle this. She didn’t fall in love with Yoli to become some part of a criminal enterprise!
It turns out that the reason Marisa is weary of Yoli’s rich people legal troubles is because she’s undocumented. Her family left Colombia when she was four. Yoli might be “playing” lawbreaker to help her dad, but she has the resources to be safe. Marisa most certainly does not. She begs Yoli not to spread her secret; she’s never told anyone before who wasn’t her family.
Yoli looks her in her eyes and gently strokes the side of her face, “I guess that makes me your family now.”
Keeping it real, I can’t imagine that Grand Hotel is getting renewed by ABC (but wow do I hope I’m wrong). That said, it’s soapy and deliciously good. If you live at an intersection where you loved Desperate Housewives or Mistresses AND Jane the Virgin, I PROMISE you will find a delightfully mindless way to spend a few late summer hours. Give yourself this treat before its too late.
Boobs on Your Tube: Hey, Did You Meet These Gays on “Ambitions” and “Grand Hotel”?
Is it 2019 or is it 2008, Boobs Tubers? Judging by the amount of The L Word news this summer, it’s hard to say! This week, the cast got together at TCA and Jamie Clayton joined the crew. In other, present news: Nel recapped Pose, Natalie recapped Good Trouble, Carmen and Riese reviewed the final season of Orange Is the New Black. Also, Valerie Anne watched season two of Light as a Feather for you!
Reminders from the TV Team:
+ The second season of Derry Girls dropped on Netflix today! To borrow from a previous Autostraddle headline, “if you’re not watching, you’re robbing yourself of joy.”
Also debuting on Netflix this weekend: the third seasons of Dear White People and She-Ra and the Princess of Power — Natalie
+ “A Black Lady Sketch Show,” featuring the comedic stylings of Autostraddle fave, Brittani Nichols, premieres tonight at 10PM on HBO! Here’s the trailer! — Natalie
+ Yeah, if you love me or trust me at all, you’ll watch A Black Lady Sketch Show. I’ve seen the screeners and putting my reputation on it – it’s not at all like your expecting and it’s wonderful, all at once. – Carmen
Here’s what else!
Ackley Bridge 305-307
Written by Natalie
I’m here. I’m queer. Get used to it.
After turning her mother in to the police, Sam’s exiled from the Murgatroyd home. Mr. Evershed secures her a room in a local hostel and, despite the long bus ride to school, she relishes finally having a space of her own. Meanwhile, Nas returns to school and is met with pressure from her teachers to secure her place at Oxford. But when the headteacher visits the Paracha home and sees that Nas is trying, she reminds her that there are more important things in life than Ackley Bridge College.
Nas takes the advice to heart, spending more time with Naveed and reconnecting with Sam. Still hurting from their break-up, Sam’s reluctant to give her heart away again. Nas convinces Sam to sneak out and their first stop is the Murgatroyd house to steal back Sam’s motor bike. Nearly thwarted by a runaway sheep, the girls escape on the motor bike and retreat to an overlook. Sam admits it’s nice to see Nas smile again while Nas confesses that she’s missed Sam these last few weeks. She’s just starting to put her life back together after losing Missy and she wants Sam to be a part of that life. They kiss to cement their reunion.
Later, at a school raffle, Nas wins the most coveted prize of all — a date with Riz Nawaz, courtesy of his girlfriend, Hayley — and Sam and Naveed have a good laugh over it. Chloe reassures Hayley that she doesn’t have to worry about Riz because Nas is gay (a fact that Hayley, of course, already knew) and the gossip spreads like wildfire throughout Ackley Bridge. Worried about how being outed will impact her and her family, Nas’ mother tells her to ask herself: “what would Missy say?” The question provokes Nas to do something audacious: she wears a huge rainbow button to school the next day and then, in front of the entire school, shouts “I AM A LESBIAN!”
Ambitions 107: “Poison and Wine”
Written by Natalie
Given the parallels between the love story of Lori Purifoy and Carly Lancaster to Romeo and Juliet, perhaps it was inevitable, that someone would eventually taste poison but who knew it would be Carly’s mother, Stephanie, that’d take that potentially deadly sip? Her trifling husband, Evan, finds her collapsed on the floor but hesistates before calling 911. Stephanie regains consciousness and urges Evan to call their conceirge doctor rather than an ambulance. Across town, Carly, who spent the night at her grandfather’s place instead of at Lori’s, gets the message about her mother’s condition and rushes back home. Carly apologizes for having left her mother alone the night before but Stephanie, who assumes she just fainted, brushes off her concern.
But when her father steps out of the room to talk to the doctor, Carly tentatively asks how he reacted to the news of her relationship with Lori. Surprisingly, her mother didn’t tell him — Stephanie thinks that news should come from Carly when she’s ready — and reiterates that she loves and accepts her, no matter what. But peace doesn’t last in the Lancaster home for long, because when Stephanie learns her fainting was caused by some obscure designer opiod — the exact kind produced by Purifoy Pharmaceuticals —- Lori is at the top of suspect list. Later, she relays her suspicions to Carly but her daughter dismisses them outright. Stephanie insists this is the Purifoys’ modus operandi and, once again, urges her daughter to stay away from Lori. But, of course, Carly is not having that.
“I will always love you, mom, but I love her too and I won’t give her up, not even for you,” Carly says defiantly, before walking out.
Later Stephanie arrives at Purifoy Pharmaceuticals for a settlement meeting and she crosses paths with Lori in the lobby. It doesn’t take long before the claws come out: Lori threatens to have Stephanie arrested for slapping her, Stephanie accuses Lori of being behind the attempt on her life. The company attorney urges Stephanie to leave before things get really out-of-hand. Unbeknownst to her mother, though, Carly shows up at Purifoy later in the day and confronts Lori about what happened that the summit. Lori denies drugging Stephanie but admits that she may have provoked the slap by talking about how many orgasms she’d given Carly.
It’s enough to get Carly on her side and to earn Lori some payback in the bedroom.
Claws 308: “What is Happening to America”
Written by Natalie
I’m shocked you’re still watching this too.
As Arlene’s blood seeps into the carpet, her killer introduces himself to Desna as Benedict Liu, or, as Mac and Melba call him, “The Professor.” He demands the trio return the $3M owed to the Chinese mob, in 24 hours, or Arlene’s fate will become their own. Desna tries to play like, “my name is Bennet and I ain’t in it,” but Quiet Ann’s loose lips have ensured that this is as much Desna’s problem as Mac and Melba’s. They try to come up with a plan to get the mob their money, Arlene’s phone chimes with an incoming text from Ann. Desna responds as Arlene but she calls Ann “honey” and Arlene’s never called her that.
Eventually, Ann gives into exhaustion but Arlene haunts her dreams. She cries out Ann’s name and Ann calls back. When they spot each other across the ether, Ann reaches out but she can never grasp Arlene’s hand. Arlene slips further and further away until she disappears. Ann wakes up with a start; she knows some thing’s wrong. Ann calls Desna — Arlene’s not back yet and it’s unlike her — and asks if she saw Desna at the casino. Fearing that Ann will be out for blood if she saw Arlene at the casino, she lies and urges Ann to stay put. Of course, Ann doesn’t listen.
Ann heads straight for the casino where Dean — who, unbeknownst to Ann, is playing mahjong with Arlene’s killer — tells her he saw Arlene earlier, heading toward Mac and Melba’s office. Unable to reconnect with Desna, Ann calls Polly to ask if she knows where Arlene is. Polly claims she doesn’t know and, when Ann asks if Desna’s lying to her, Polly covers for Desna. Undeterred, Ann heads to the police department and Arlene’s sergeant, one of Benedict’s informants, tells her that Arlene got drafted onto an undercover assignment. That answer still doesn’t sit well with Ann, though.
“You just can’t disappear when we’re having a baby. You need to be there,” Ann says to Arlene’s voicemail. “You don’t understand, Arlene. I can’t do this without you. I need you. I love you.”
Later, Desna returns to her condo, having repaid the debt to the mob, and Ann’s waiting for her. She knows that Desna’s lying and needs to hear the truth. Ann asks where he wife is…they’d eloped at City Hall…and Desna has to admit that Arlene’s dead. As Ann collapses on the floor in tears, Desna tells one more lie: the recently deceased Mac killed Arlene.
Siren 215 & 216: “Sacrifice” & “New World Order”
Written by Valerie Anne
The Merfriends are still having reproduction issues, so Maddie tells Ryn about IVF and let the military fertilize eggs for them, but then steal the eggs and run to the land mermaid colony for help with implantation. Unfortunately, before they can implant, the mermaid truther reporter sneaks in and MERNAPS an unconscious Ryn. But when the reporter almost runs over Ben, Ryn grabs the wheel and sends them into the water.
Ryn swims away, leaving Ben faced with the reporter trapped in the car. Ben hesitates for just a moment, weighing his options. He decides to save him, and this leads us down a road of him going on the news and exposing mermaids, martial law, mermaid hunting, blood tests sending land mermaids into cages by the border, and Canada offering asylum.
Ben, Maddie and Ryn run away to try to cross the border into safety.
A rare photo of Ryn and Maddie with me, the #hornyformermaids dumpster.
On their way to the border, the trio is found thanks to Ben and Maddie’s dads, and in the kerfuffle of trying to escape, Maddie is shot. Ben and Ryn scream and cry as Maddie dies in her father’s arms.
But then time snaps back to the moment Ben hesitated before saving the reporter. In a BOLD MOVE, this entire finale so far has been Ben considering option A. When his conclusion is that it ends in the death of one or both of the loves of his life, he chooses option B, and lets the reporter die.
So instead of being on the run, the trio is safe and together again. They cuddle up in bed together, the girls sleeping soundly, but Ben is haunted by images of the choice he made.
This season’s cliffhanger leaves us with this fact: Ryn’s fertilized eggs were put into one of the land mermaids, who fully intend on keeping this “full blood” for themselves. Siren was renewed for a third season already, so this mermaidy mayhem continue in a few months!
Grand Hotel 107 “Where The Sun Don’t Shine”
Written by Carmen
This is what it looks like in my head whenever Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” plays on the radio.
Gigi is looking for Yoli in the hotel lobby. She’s been trying to find her all day and she thinks her daughter may be avoiding her. “Why?,” Yoli snaps back. “Could it be the stabbing pain of your rejection?” After all, Gigi walked out of the Gala the night before when Yoli came out by bringing her girlfriend onto the dance floor.
Gigi sits down. She was shocked last night, it’s true, but she’s sorry that her initial reaction caused Yoli pain. “You’re my daughter mamí, and I love and accept you completely. I don’t have a problem if your gaaay!” She purposefully stretches out the word with a little smile as playfully rubs Yoli’s arm, trying to lighten the mood. Then this! This is my favorite part! Because you see, Yoli isn’t gay, as she pointedly tells her mother. She’s queer.
I have only seen three women on television say out loud that they are explicitly queer, as opposed to lesbians or bisexuals. All three have been in the last 18 months, and all three have been Latinas. Kat Sandoval on Madam Secretary, Emma Hernandez on Vida and now Yoli on Grand Hotel. She just bolted into some pretty exclusive company.
Gigi tries to understand what Yoli means by queer; does this mean that she might one day fall in love with a man? I truly believe Gigi was asking out of misplaced curiosity, a need to understand – but of course Yoli’s guard goes right up! That’s pretty much the worst thing you can ask someone. She automatically assumes her worst fears are correct, her mother will only ever love her if she’s in a relationship with a man.
Later, Carolina (Yoli’s sister) tricks her into visiting their mother’s room under the guise of a misplaced purse. The reality? GIGI HAS THROWN YOLI A PRIDE PAAAAAARTY!!! Rainbow balloons, rainbow cake, random gay strangers that Yoli has never met (“You remember my trainer Jackie, she’s queer too!”, “This is my hairdresser Greggory and his partner!”). Yoli’s mortified, even if Marisa, her girlfriend thinks its kind of cute.
Then Gigi gets up in front of everyone and gives this speech:
“We’re here to celebrate my incredible daughter, Yolanda. From an early age, I knew she had a spark in her that could never be denied. I remember her dance recital when she was nine, during the group number she felt a different inspiration … so she breaks down into a solo. Soon after, all the other girls were following her lead. I have never been prouder of you… until today”
Enough to bring a tear to anyone’s eyes right? Well, Yoli is crying alright, but for all the reasons you wouldn’t expect. It’s not her in the story. It’s Carolina. She always thought maybe her mom secretly knew she wasn’t straight – maybe that’s why she always felt rejected. Now she knows the truth. It’s her that her mother doesn’t like.
Gigi makes amends, telling Yoli that the problem is that she always reminded her Mom too much of the twins’ father, who left the entire family when the girls were young. They make up, but its Carolina who has the most interesting offer once the two girls are alone – would Yoli like to see their dad after all these years? Carolina knows where to find him.
Boobs on Your Tube: 4 Gay Smooches and a Funeral
We’ve been fundraising like a bunch of bananas this week, but TV still marched on! Heather had some serious questions about the new Westworld trailer. Natalie snagged you an exclusive sneak peak of OWN’s Ambitions. Generation Q cast some more people and then some more people. Nel recapped this week’s Pose and Natalie recapped this week’s very fun Good Trouble. And our whole TV Team weighed in on the legacy of Orange Is the New Black.
Reminders from the TV Team:
+ Harlots is dead to me. I imagine Riese will be writing about this eventually which is why I’m just up here in the reminders and not doing a full write-up but I just wanted you to know I’m MAD and SAD. kthanksbye. — Valerie Anne
+ I know I haven’t written about Critical Role in a long time but it’s because I’m two or three eps behind because of my Vampire Diaries/Originals binge but I just wanted to let you know that Beau continues to be a disaster lesbian, Yasha is also canon queer, and I’m still head-over-heels in love with both of them. — Valerie Anne
Here’s what else!
Burden of Truth 208: “The Right Road”
Written by Natalie
If you stand for nothing…
After weeks of struggling in prison, Luna’s forced to put on a brave face when her trial begins.
Owen is among the prosecution’s first witnesses and he explains how the crime scene was handled, trying not to implicate Luna directly. Chief Mercer isn’t nearly as kind: Luna had means, motive and opportunity to murder David Hanley and he’s certain that the Millwood PD found their killer. Armed with information from Owen, Joanna destroys Mercer on cross examination. While Mercer has a history of kindness towards the town’s white residents, he reserves cruelty for Millwood’s Indigenous community. Joanna accuses Mercer of taking Neil Bellegarde on a “starlight tour,” abandoning him outside of town, in -30° weather, in a t-shirt with no shoes. Bellegarde died of hypothermia and the revelation discredits Mercer.
With the prosecutor’s case on the ropes, he calls Taylor Matheson to testify and, rather than say anything to implicate Luna, Taylor claims to have forgotten the details of what happened. She blames her brain injury for her forgetfulness and Luna flashes her a knowing smile. With Taylor’s testimony thrown out, the prosecutor reaches for the last bit of evidence to prove pre-meditation: the incriminating voicemail that Luna left for Joanna which Joanna subsequently deleted. Called as a witness against her sister, Joanna lies and blames the deletion on her phone being hacked.
Joanna calls Mara Tran, a technology and hacking expert with whom she’d worked previously, to the stand to corroborate her lie. Mara does but, as she goes to step down, Joanna blindsides her (and everyone else) with questions tying her to hack on Hanley’s laptop. Turns out, the laptop had a security feature that took the photo of whomever tried to access the files and, on the night David Hanley was murdered, it snapped a picture of Mara. She admits that she killed him, accidentally, and the prosecutor is left with no choice but to drop the charges. Outside, Luna is greeted by a band of supporters and the fullness of the Canadian sky.
Ambitions 106: “What About Your Friends”
Written by Natalie
Wherever they go, the bisexual mood lighting follows.
Earlier this week, I posed a question about Ambitions, the soapy new melodrama on OWN: “can love between two children of warring families bring peace?” This week’s episode of Ambitions seemed to answer that question with a resounding “hell no.”
This week, Carly joins her mother, Stephanie, at a Women’s Empowerment Summit. After the day’s workshops and panels have concluded, Atlanta’s most influential women gather for a gala and Carly has to grin and bear it as her mother moves from one hostile conversation to the next. When the pair crosses paths with the Purifoys — Lori and her mother, Juniper — the mothers are too busy trading barbs with each other to notice their daughters’ wordless flirting.
Carly and Lori get a moment to themselves as they order drinks at the bar but their game of “who would you rather” is interrupted by Lori’s mother who applauds them for their civility. But once Carly steps away, Lori’s actual game is exposed: she’s been charged with getting close to “Stephanie Lancaster’s brat” and delivering intel to her family. But, from the pensive look on Lori’s face as her mother walks away, everything hasn’t gone according to plan. Has the Pulfroy heir caught real feelings for “Stephanie Lancaster’s brat?”
Later, Carly’s trying to achieve a baby gay rite of passage — having sex in a bathroom stall — but Lori pulls away. They stumble out of the stall together only to find Stephanie, attempting to clean a wine stain off her dress, at the sink. Stunned, Stephanie asks Lori to leave so she can talk to her daughter. Carly’s understandably freaked out — this wasn’t how she imagined coming out to her mother — but, surprisingly, Stephanie’s fine with it.
“Darling, I don’t care if you like girls, you just can’t like that girl,” Stephanie says, forcefully, her voice dripping with fear that she’ll lose another Carlilse woman to the Purifoys.
Though she encourages Carly to keep up appearances, when Stephanie spots Lori in the ballroom, she can’t resist a confrontation. Stephanie warns Lori to stay away from her daughter but Lori won’t back down. She responds, Stephanie’s just mad that she’s “given Carly more orgasms in a few weeks than Mayor Lancaster has given her during their entire marriage.” The insult earns her a slap and Lori feigns hurt for Carly’s benefit. Lori’s mother threatens to report Stephanie’s assault but Lori calms the waters by accepting her apology and sharing a drink.
At home, Stephanie again urges her daughter to stay away from the Purifoys. When Carly refuses, her mother puts her foot down: as long as Carly lives in her house, she must obey her rules…a problem Carly remedies by deciding that she’ll no longer live in her parents’ house. Unbeknownst to Carly, though, as soon as she walks out, her mother collapses on the floor, poisoned by a drink from the gala.
Claws 307: “Chicken Pussy”
Written by Natalie
Memories, of the way we were…
Eliot Laurence, the creator, executive producer and head writer of Claws, has a new show coming to Freeform this year called Motherland: Fort Salem. It’s a show about these young witches who, in exchange for freedom from persecution, defend the country from all threats, foreign and domestic. We don’t know much about the characters yet but, based on the series’ trailer, we do know at least two of the witches are queer. A female-driven show about witches featuring queer characters? That’s like Autostraddle catnip. But, after I watched Claws this week and watched the show do such an incredible disservice to its lesbian characters and its queer audience, I wondered how I could feel good about recommending an Eliot Laurence penned queer character.
The episode starts with the newly engaged Arlene and Quiet Ann at the OB/GYN getting their first ultrasound. When they can’t hear the baby’s heartbeat right away, Ann starts to assume the worst but Arlene tries to calm her down. Soon enough, the baby’s heartbeat echos through the exam room and the couple beams at the sight of their baby. Later, Ann and Arlene share the news with Ann’s brother, Henry, who’s running for governor. He’s excited to become an uncle but is distracted by the likelihood that the sitting governor will out him at an upcoming townhall. Ann lets it slip that she knows about where Gov. Patel gets his money which piques Henry’s interest. He pressures her into telling him what she knows and later, when the governor tries to out him at the televised townhall, Henry spills all the tea about Patel’s bribes and money laundering scheme.
The revelation immediately puts Ann’s life in danger so Desna rushes to find her. She finds Ann hiding out at the salon, heartbroken over having betrayed Desna. Determined to keep Ann safe, Desna drives her out to a rundown motel to hide. Arlene shows up later and once she realizes the stakes, decides to make an agreement with Mac and Melba to keep them safe. M&M seem amenable to Arlene’s terms and, just when it looks like everything’s settled, the leader of the Chinese mob sneaks up behind Arlene and slashes her throat.
So, in case you’re keeping count, over the span of four episodes, Claws has managed to hit not one, not two but three lesbian tropes. THREE! A trifecta of awful, overused and uninspired tropes. What a disappointment from a creator/producer/writer that should definitely know better (Laurence was also a writer on “The Big Gay Sketch Show”).
Grand Hotel 106: “Love Thy Neighbor”
Written by Carmen
Didn’t you know? Dancing is how lesbians have sex standing up.
Things you should remember about Grand Hotel: 1. Yoli, the gay hotel heiress who lives in the shadow of her supposedly more “beautiful” sister, isn’t out yet to her mother. 2. She’s dating Marisa, a masseuse in the hotel’s spa. 3. Yoli’s previous girlfriend? Yeah, she’s the dead girl that this entire TV show is about. Good, now you’re all caught up!
This week the hotel is hosting a very fancy schmancy fundraiser and the entire family has to attend. Yoli’s less than excited about being paraded around in public, but she makes a good show out of trying on dresses for Marisa anyway. Marisa obviously can’t come as Yoli’s date (thanks a lot, closet!) but she tries to boost her girlfriends confidence during the ‘lil fashion show. That is until Carolina, Yoli’s sister, shows up at her door. Yoli forces Marisa to hide under the bed – YIKES! Not a good luck! – and within minutes of Carolina entering the room, she’s shattered any little bit of confidence Yoli has left.
While under the bed Marisa just so happens to discover Yoli’s secret box filled with all her love letters and photos of Sky. Now everyone knows that Sky mysteriously “disappeared” last year, so it’s not long before Marisa puts two and two together. She confides to one of her work colleagues that her secret girlfriend has a secret ex and some bad shit went down. That colleague (Jason), who’s been secretly working on solving Sky’s murder, puts it all together too. Yoli’s secret is spreading – FAST.
The night of the fundraiser gala, Jason and Danny (another hotel worker/Sky’s brother) pull Yoli aside. They know that she was dating Sky before she died and they want answers. She gives them the same sad sob story that she told her step-sister Alicia last week: That she can’t come out because she doesn’t believe her mother, who already prefers Carolina, will continue to love her if she does. To be honest with you, I’m starting to think that Yoli is making the whole thing up to cover her tracks.
BUT! Then Yoli invites Marisa, work uniform and all, to dance with her on the gala floor. It’s her big coming out moment, staged for the entire family to see. Carolina surprisingly is overjoyed at the news. But their mother? She watches along and then walks out of the hotel lobby without saying a word. Yoli’s face shatters.
Maybe she was right all along.
Queen Sugar 406: “By The Spit”
Written by Carmen
One Last Kiss.
UGH. I feel like sometimes Queen Sugar giveth, and then sometimes Queen Sugar taketh away. Last time we spoke, I was so delighted by Nova’s reunion with her old undergraduate professor and ex-lover Professor Octavia Laurent Freddie Brooks. They were wrong for each other, but despite myself – I had to admit, they were hot. It was obvious their tornado was heading for disaster. I was just hoping we would get a few more deliciously fun and tension filled episodes before it did! Instead Queen Sugar ran through their entire plot and sent Freddie Brooks packing just as soon as she got here.
Octavia and Nova are enjoying their own secret little lovers world, secluded away in Nova’s book tour hotel room, when Nova receives word that her book has been nominated for a national award. Octavia hugs her and says congratulations, but her face says jealousy as soon as Nova’s back is turned. Later at at VIP academic reception that Octavia scammed an invite to on Nova’s behalf, Nova overhears her former professor throw her under the bus so that she can score a book deal instead. (It doesn’t work by the way, the publisher tells Octavia that they are looking for “new” voices. Which sucks for ageism, but Octavia is evil, soooo – eh.)
Nova’s figured out Octavia’s game by now – she’s going to ride her former protégé’s coattails to stage a comeback for her own career. Nova skips the next “Octavia arranged lunch” and the two have it out later in their hotel room.
It’s ugly and painful. Octavia knows exactly what to say to hurt Nova most. She’s also desperate and facing an unfair clock of age; it’s bringing out the worst of her in the fight. And still, through it all, it’s clear that Nova still loves her. A single tear falls across Rutina Wesley’s cheek, “You were my first in so many significant ways. I’ll always remember that.”
Then Nova closes her eyes to blink back whatever hurt is left as Octavia gathers her bags and walks out the door.
Ah Professor Freddie Brooks, we barely knew thee.
Killjoys 501: Run, Yala, Run
Written by Valerie Anne
KILLJOYS IS BACK, BITCHES!!! The first episode of the final season had us back in topsy turvy world, with smarty-pants Zeph and sharp-as-a-tack Dutch starting to figure out what’s what. Still in the clear from the memory zap is our girl Kendry, who can’t resist giving Dutch a big ol’ kiss because Aneela didn’t make it back from the Green, but Dutch looks enough like her girlfriend for Delle Seyah to pretend, just for a moment, that her love has returned.
A different shade of Green Queens.
It almost feels like this episode was one where the writers were like, “Fine you always wanted Dutch to kiss Johnny and Delle Seyah, but that never made sense, so here’s an upside down world where it’ll make sense for a minute, enjoy.” Which is the kind of fan service I enjoy.
Also of note, Zeph knows that their memories have been tampered with, but doesn’t remember her real self at all (unike Dutch, who is starting to remember), so she asks Dutch if they dated because she has a vibe and is hyperaware of how attractive Dutch is. I always appreciate friendly and casual reminders of a character’s queerness and it was a super cute and very Zeph way for them to do it.
Overall this season is set up to be extremely stressful and action-heavy and I, for one, am very excited about it. While final seasons are always bittersweet, the fact that they knew well in advance makes me excited to see how this story wraps up.
PS. The titles of this season’s episodes are AMAZING. They always are but I felt extra love for them, maybe because they’re the last.
Boobs on Your Tube: “grown-ish” Says Goodbye to Shane
Hey, did you know Kat Barrell came out? It’s true! Also this week, Nel recapped Pose; Natalie recapped Good Trouble; Heather ranked some gay hats; and Riese got drunk watching Are You the One?
Some notes from the TV Team:
+ Hey guess what I’m going to EH Con Canada in a few weeks and can’t wait to report back all of the Earpy shenanigans I get into! Basically I’m just excited I get to yell about Wynonna Earp for at least another year. #Win4Wynonna — Valerie Anne
+ I did get caught up on Jane the Virgin and Younger; next week, I’ll write about them! (I’m sorry; we’re fundraising and it’s so much exciting work.) — Heather
Siren 213-214: “The Outpost” & “The Last Mermaid”
Written by Valerie Anne
After fixing Maddie and Ben’s brains so they’re not being fried by Ryn’s siren song, the trio make love…
I love these poly fools.
…but the military is watching. Luckily, Maddie finds the hidden camera, and knows that they have to be extra careful about what information Ryn gives them.
It’s mating season for mermaids, so Ryn and Levi decide to go back to the water to mate. There haven’t been little mermaids in a loooong time, and their species is in danger of dying out. Maddie decides to do some science to help figure out why birth rates are so low. (Spoiler alert: it’s humans.)
When Ryn comes back, she’s not pregnant, and Ben and Maddie realize it’s because the water it polluted. They decide to have Ryn mate with another mermaid while in human form. They’re not sure it will work but Ryn says, “Whatever this baby is, it’ll be family.”
Ryn learns that Ben’s family was involved in a mermaid massacre long ago, and she’s PISSED he never told her. When Ben confronts her, and it’s the most emotional we’ve ever seen Ryn. We’ve seen her rage, but when she tells Ben that his ancestor’s love started with a love like Ben loves Ryn but ended in her family being slaughtered, her eyes are filled with tears. She tells him she can’t trust him now and storms off.
Maddie explains to Ryn that we’re not our families, and that Ryn has to trust that the love the three of them has is good love.
But Ben keeps taking secret hits of Ryn’s song and is weird about Ryn mating and starts to hallucinate hurting Ryn. So. Maybe his love IS bad.
Ryn makes up with Ben, and he tries to keep his shit together while Ryn takes two lady mermaids inside to teach them how to mate as a human. Maddie goes in to “make sure they’re comfortable” and for some reason we stay outside instead of following her to where everyone is #hornyformermaids.
grown-ish 218: “Nice for What”
Written by Natalie
There’s nothing technically wrong with Nomi’s relationship with her former professor. Their relationship began, essentially, after Shane’s stint as Nomi’s professor was over. They’re both consenting adults and whatever power differential exists between them is both understood and accepted. So, technically, nothing’s wrong. But, in the real world, where Nomi’s forced to keep her first real relationship with another woman a secret, something about Nomi’s relationship still feels very wrong…and this week on grown-ish, Nomi starts to realize it.
After spending the night at Shane’s place, Nomi wants to ride to campus together but it’s a no go: Shane’s carpooling with another professor and she doesn’t want her to know that she’s dating a 19 year old. But while Professor Weedon’s still none the wiser about her relationship with Nomi, Zoey clearly knows, as Shane discovers when she stops by the campus bookstore. The awkward interaction sends Nomi into a panic — she wasn’t supposed to tell — and leads to yet another fight between the roommates. And just like the last time Zoey and Nomi fought, neither of them are entirely wrong.
Later, Nomi tries to reassure Shane that Zoey will keep their relationship a secret but Shane’s unmoved. She’s stunned to learn that Zoey’s not the only one of Nomi’s friends that knows and, unsurprisingly, she doesn’t trust any of them, including Nomi, to keep it a secret. Doing her best season five Jenny Schechter impersonation, Shane accuses Nomi of betrayal, leaving her girlfriend stunned.
“You’re the one who sold me on this whole, like, ‘live out loud, be proud of my sexuality’ thing. But all I’ve done these last few months is, like, sneak around, lie to everybody, and ditch my friends to be with you when you would have me around,” Nomi says, her voice breaking under the emotional weight of it all. “I’m just so tired of being afraid of disappointing you. I’m tired, actually, of disappointing myself.”
And that’s how Nomi’s first real relationship ends: with some sadness, a shared margarita and a commitment to making her happiness a priority from now on.
Claws 306: “Fly Like an Eagle”
Written by Natalie
A few week’s back, I recapped a frustrating episode of Claws that culminated with the show’s lesbian character sleeping with a man. I was disappointed to see Claws and the writer behind my favorite episode of the show thus far resort this unimaginative trope. That said, in that recap, I should’ve been clearer about the source of my frustration.
There’s part of me that’ll always be a little weary of “lesbian sleeps with man” storylines, given the trope’s history of being used to invalidate lesbianism but, if it were in service to a broader storyline about our varying understandings of sexuality and/or identity, I’d be open to it. I’d still be concerned about television’s propensity to restrict that conversation to its female lesbian characters — Roller “buttons are for gluttons” Husser’s never going to hook up with Toby on Claws, no matter how many drugs he does — but I think there’s value in seeing that fluidity represented. But Claws isn’t interested in having that conversation, a point they made abundantly clear last week when, predictably, Quiet Ann turns up pregnant.
This week, Ann shares the news of her pregnancy: first, with the baby’s father. When he stymies Desna and Ann’s efforts to get more information on the governor, Ann threatens to tell the man’s wife about her pregnancy. Once they’ve gotten the blackmail material, Desna lauds Ann for her quick thinking but Ann reveals that it’s not a joke: she really is pregnant. Ann admits that she hasn’t told Arlene yet because the cop has seemingly changed her mind about having children. Desna encourages her to tell Arlene and, eventually, she does…the news stunning Arlene and compelling her to ask for a minute to wrap her mind around it.
When the minute’s over, Arlene steps into Nail Artisans and asks Ann to get married. Ann enthusiastically accepts and asks if Arlene’s okay with having a baby. Turns out, Arlene had never changed her mind about having children, she was reluctant to experience the heartbreak that comes with the adoption process again. Arlene’s elated about the baby: “we’re pregnant,” she says as she bends down and kisses Ann’s stomach.
And truth be told, I’m elated about the baby too — Ann’s always wanted a child and I grew to want that for her — but I think we could’ve gotten to this point without employing a troubling trope.
Ambitions 105: “Killing Me Softly”
Written by Natalie
Through the first four episodes of Ambitions, the relationship between Carly Lancaster and Lori Purifoy has taken place exclusively within the confines of Lori’s Atlanta condo. And while that’s too be expected — Carly’s the closeted daughter of Atlanta’s mayor and Lori’s the head of public relations at Purifoy Pharmaceuticals, a company Carly’s mother is suing — it’s made it hard to invest in the couple as anything more than the occasional booty call. Turns out, though, Carly’s having those same misgivings: frustrated by the fact that all she and Lori never go anywhere or do anything other than hook up.
“Look, if it gets out about us, the press is going to have a field day, so this is it…this is what we’re doing and, for now, this is going to have to be enough,” Lori explains. It’s not just about the sex, Lori assures Carly, she really likes her but this is just the way things have to be. But like her tenacious mother, Carly is undeterred by their current circumstances and invites Lori to come to her monologue slam the next night. Carly’s performing at a bohemian spot so far outside their usual circles, no one will know either of them and they’ll be free to be a real couple for at least a short time. Lori encourages Carly not to over-complicate things but Carly wants more…and she knows she deserves it.
The ultimatum is enough to push Carly outside her comfort zone and to the club where Lori is performing. In front of an audience that’s none the wiser, Carly delivers a thinly veiled monologue about discovering her sexuality and finding love with the member of a feuding family while Lori flashes a knowing smile. After Carly’s finished, the couple embraces and Lori assures her she’s not ashamed of their relationship. They share their first public kiss without realizing that the intimate moment’s been captured by a random onlooker. It’s not clear that the photographer recognizes Lori or Carly but it’s hard to imagine that that her portrait of “young love” doesn’t get discovered by someone who does. I cannot wait to see Robin Givens’ Stephanie Carlisle Lancaster react to the news that her daughter’s sleeping with the enemy.
Thus far, I’m enjoying this soapy take on a lesbian version of Romeo & Juliet. The writing is good and feels authentic — lesbian playwright Trey Anthony helmed this episode so that helped, no doubt — but the direction doesn’t match the dialogue. Even as the words ask you to invest in this pairing, the direction seems intent on reminding you that these are two ostensibly straight actresses playing gay…and it hamstrings the entire storyline. Hopefully, it’ll improves as Ambitions grows.
Grand Hotel 504 – 505: “The Big Sickout” & “You’ve Got Blackmail”
Written by Carmen
Tell me you have some Latinas kissing on TV and I’m there with my tacones on!
Have you heard of ABC’s Grand Hotel? It’s a telenovela-style summer prime time soap about the Mendoza family, who run the last family-run hotel and resort in Miami Beach. There’s Santiago Mendoza, the patriarch, and his second wife Gigi (Roselyn Sanchez, in my favorite of her roles yet!). Santiago and Gigi have a gaggle of adult kids that round out their blended family, including: Alicia, home from Business School and primed to take over her father’s legacy; Javi, your resident fuckboy; Carolina, the princess; and Yoli, Carolina’s awkward twin who in her mother’s eye has never lived up to her sister’s beauty. Did you guess already that Yoli was the gay one? Hurray! You get a prize!
After the hotel staff stages a sick-out in protest because Santiago garnished their annual raise to payoff a blackmailer who knows about the dead girl, Sky (she’s a former line chef at the hotel, the entire season is about the coverup of her murder. It’s a soap, ok?), the entire Santiago family rolls up their sleeves and gets to work to keep the hotel afloat. Yoli is assigned mopping the floors in the spa. There she meets Marisa, who pings Yoli right away.
Yoli admits to not having a lot of experience in having relationships with women, plus she’s terrified of her Mom finding out, so Marisa agrees to sneaking around the hotel for the time being. The problem is that Alicia has been tasked by her father with patrolling inappropriate hotel staff relationships (thanks to her brother the entire staff is now calling her the “Sex Policia” – get it?) and a fellow spa worker ratted out Marisa for getting it on in the massage parlor, so now she’s about to lose her job. Yoli has to come out to her step-sister in order to save her.
At family dinner, Yoli takes Alicia out on the patio. She tells her, “You wouldn’t get it because you’re the favorite in your family… but I’m not. And I can’t afford to give my mother any ammunition to love me less than her precious Carolina.”Alicia may not know what it means to hide her sexuality, but she’s touched by Yoli’s vulnerability and promises to keep her secret anyway.
Marisa is thankful to Yoli for coming out to save them. She knows how hard first girlfriends can be. That’s when Yoli confesses – Marisa isn’t her first girlfriend after all. She’s had a previous one, but that didn’t end well. It’s the reason she’s being so cautious this time around.
Oh and that previous girlfriend? It’s SKY – THE GIRL WHO’S DEAD! DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!
Before we realized it was gay, a friend of mine asked if I was going to stick with Grand Hotel. I told them that I would. I like my summer evening rosé with a side of light hearted soap opera twists, overdone make up, and sky high heels. If you find yourself craving similar in these swampy summer nights, you could do a lot worse than Grand Hotel. Tell Gigi that I sent you!