Boobs On Your Tube: Gabrielle Finally Comes Out on “BH90210”
It was a slow TV week for us here at Autostraddle dot com, but we’ve got your Fall TV Preview coming at you early next week as we gear up for September’s television main events! Carmen Rios did guest star on To L and Back this week, so that’s one special treat!
Notes from the TV Team:
+ The new season of Mayans M.C. premiered this week and though Santo Padre’s lesbian mayor, Antonia Pena, wasn’t featured in the second season debut, she does turn up next week…and her storyline hints at a bigger role for her on Mayans this season. — Natalie
+ Y’ALL I STARTED MINDHUNTER AND CAN’T WAIT TO WRITE ABOUT ANNA TORV FOR YOUUUUU — Valerie Anne
+ As I mentioned, there are some EH Con panels going up on YouTube you should check out. Like the WayHaught/Jetri Newlywed Game, the POC panel, the Writers Panel…heck, just check them all out. — Valerie Anne
Why Women Kill 104: “You Had Me At Homicide”
Written by Natalie
I am a little scared by this but also, slightly turned on.
This week’s Why Women Kill picks up soon after the last: Eli, Taylor and Jade are trying to find the perfect way to introduce Jade to others, when Jade’s ex-boyfriend, Duke, pulls into the driveway. Eli steps outside to talk to Duke, man-to-man, but, as is his wont, Eli bungles it and Taylor has to step in and handle it. She threatens to call the cops and reminds him that if he were found committing assault, it’d be his third strike, and he’d have to spend the rest of his life in prison. Duke backs down and Taylor returns the conquering hero while Eli nurses his bruised elbow and ego.
Later, Duke threatens to kill the dog he shared with Jade — like some modern-day Jenny Schecter or something — unless she comes to talk to him. The throuple heads to Duke’s apartment to confront him: armed with a hammer, Eli’s ready for a physical altercation, while Taylor’s prepared to write the perpetually broke felon a check for the dog. But when Duke doesn’t answer the door — he’s in the shower, it turns out — Taylor’s ready to just leave a note, much to Jade’s disappointment. Ready to be the hero this time, Eli uses his hammer to break into the house, save Tinkerbell and escape to the waiting car. They narrowly escape Duke’s grasp but his death threats echo down the street as they peel off.
When they return home, Eli is predictably smug about his success. He doesn’t stop for a single second to consider the implications of involving his lawyer wife in a crime because: 1. it made Jade happy and 2. it finally gives the win that’s eluded him for the last two years. Somehow, Taylor is persuaded by this argument, and acquiesces to Eli’s man-baby tears. But before they can truly celebrate Eli having put his wife’s livelihood — the job that’s paying the bills and putting food on the table — at risk for the sake of his ego, Duke storms in looking for Jade.
Eli tries to confront him, again, but Duke tosses him against the wall. Taylor launches herself onto Duke’s back — personally, I would’ve just stood there, watching Eli get his ass kicked like he said he wanted — but he flings her off and drops her to the floor. Duke rushes up the stairs, yelling for Jade, and when his back is turned, she emerges and strikes him with the hammer. The hit sends Duke over the banister, crashing onto a table in the foyer. Jade stalks down the stairs, still clutching the hammer, and surveys the damage.
“You broke my leg, you crazy bitch,” Duke cries.
Towering over him, Jade responds, “Fuck with my family again and I’ll break the other one.”
Both Taylor and Eli are aghast as they get their unanticipated answer to the question they never really thought to ask: Who did they invite to live in their home?
BN90210 104: “Picture’s Up”
Written by Carmen
UGH if they expect me to care about this ongoing arson plot, there better be whiskey in this coffee cup.
In case you missed it, last week Gabrielle and hot producer Christine had The Sex.TM And ever since they had The Sex,TM everything has gotten weird between them. Christine swears that it’s nothing Gabrielle did personally. It’s just that since the 90210 set was burned to the ground thanks to a stalker-arsonist (this show, amirite!), HR has been extra careful about relationships between cast and crew. Which means that if Christine and Gabrielle want to have The SexTM again – and they do! To quote hottie Christine, “I’m more a player than a stayer, but I like you… A LOT.” – then they have to sign a workplace sexual consent contract. The problem? Gabrielle hasn’t exactly come out yet, so this contract is a actually pretty big deal.
(Before we go any further, I have to say, I found Gabrielle’s surprise and incredulity about signing a consent form at the workplace hard to swallow! She’s the head of the actor’s union for crying out loud! She should be the first one to understand the importance of contracts like this in protecting workers’ rights. Anyway, moving on…)
After having a few days to weigh back and forth about it, Gabrielle decides that Christine is worth confronting her fears. When the entire cast is gathered around the food table between scenes, someone else complains about the so-called “love contracts.” Gabrielle clears her throat and admits that she had to sign one, too. Immediately Jennie perks up! “Who is He?” she squeals in her most annoying teenage gossipy voice. To be fair to Jennie, it is exciting – I’ve gotten the impression that Gabrielle doesn’t often open up about her personal life.
Gabrielle shakes back her nerves and stands her ground, the person she’s seeing isn’t a “He.” “You’re gay,” Shannen Doherty deadpans unimpressed without looking up from her phone. Soon it’s a chorus among all the cast members, “She’s gay!” “She just said she’s gay?!?”
Amused and a little overwhelmed, Gabrielle stops her chosen family of nearly 30 years before they can go too far – “ As of now, I’m coming out as undeclared.”
“I think that’s really brave,” nods Brian. And you know what? I think so, too.
I can’t believe that the finale is already next week! How can a story this delightful also be this short? This is the cruelty of the Television Gods, for sure.
Bachelor in Paradise 609 & 610
Written by Meg Jones Wall
Since Demi and Kristian made things official, this show has become increasingly tedious. Once again, this week featured terrible men and the women that tolerate them, with overblown arguments and half-assed apologies. In a twist that shocked absolutely no one, several singles from last week’s wedding joined the cast, stressing out existing couples and making a few people realize they should probably just go home. A guy that lives in a van shaved off his mustache to ask his ex-girlfriend to come home with him, a bunch of men were deeply terrible to the women they supposedly love, and Mike, one of the few halfway decent people on the beach, went home alone.
Kristian and Demi made a few appearances, offering commentary and being supportive of the long-suffering women on the show. Demi happily shares that a week after she met Kristian, they jumped into a hot tub late at night and “just started making out.” And Kristian gets to give Demi her rose this week, saying that she feels like “the luckiest girl in the world to be able to share all of this with [Demi].” We get a few more kisses and mutual professions of love, and it’s all very sweet.
Next week brings fantasy suites, meaning that with the finale looming, most of these couples will break up dramatically, citing real-world incompatibility and lukewarm connections. And while Demi and Kristian have looked pretty content during their time in Paradise, next week’s teaser shows Demi expressing her discomfort with kissing Kristian on-camera, and shows Demi crying, “I really just don’t want to lose you.” Since the original preview showed these two in the fantasy suite and has teased at an engagement, I’m hoping for a happy ending that makes watching all of these heterosexual shenanigans worth it.
Boobs on Your Tube: Okay, This “BH90210” Middle Age Bisexual Storyline Is Actually Really Great
If you’ve been reading Boobs on Your Tube regularly this summer, you’ve probably started wondering if this was some kind of record-breaking season for queer women of color relationships, and yes, actually! Our TV Team ran down all nine of them! Also, Valerie Anne reviewed your new favorite Canadian bingo show: Workin’ Moms. And Riese and Carly brought you an all-new To L and Back.
Some notes from the TV Team:
+ Mica Burton’s stint on Critical Role continued to be a delight to the very end. Reanie is a gift to us all, and also her ship name with Marisha’s character is “ReanBeau” and she already making a playlist for them because she’s my kind of dedicated queer nerd. — Valerie Anne
Bachelor in Paradise 607 & 608
Written by Meg Jones Wall
After spending so much of last week on Demi and Kristian’s rekindled romance, it’s no surprise that the pair barely appeared on this week’s episodes of Bachelor in Paradise – but the title sequence now features the two of them holding hands while everyone else continues to be introduced alone, which is…cute? Between both episodes we see some brief moments of them snuggling and kissing by the beach, a short conversation where Kristian expresses concerns about fitting in and hoping Demi is being sincere, and a rose ceremony where awkward wedding officiant Chris Harrison “changes the rules” so that Demi can give a rose to Kristian before the guys proceed, but that’s it. This week was dominated with tears, fights, and yelling by some very dramatic straight men, who managed to make a lot of women cry, disrupt a wedding, and scare off some tiny island creatures. A few particularly mediocre “fan favorites” proved they lack even the most basic listening comprehension, and at various points it seemed like the cast was competing over who could sob in the most hysterical fashion.
Frankly, if you’re watching Paradise for queer content, you can completely skip this week. The most entertaining bit is the last few moments of episode 8, where Demi offers some bad lip readings (complete with impersonations) of Conner, Caelynn, and Kristina, who are not very interesting on their own but seem to come alive under Demi’s deft vocal stylings – but alas, this is also not strictly queer content. Fingers crossed that we get more of Demi and Kristian next week, and that we get to see them doing more than just offering their thoughts on other relationships.
Why Women Kill 103: “I Killed Everyone He Did, But Backwards and in High Heels”
Written by Natalie
Green (leopard print) with envy…
Watching a show like Why Women Kill, where the threat of death looms so large, can be a challenge. Through the show’s first two episodes, I was comforted by the belief that if either Taylor or Jade were driven to kill, they’d target a man and, at least, we wouldn’t end up with another buried gay. But this week, tables turned and it became easier to imagine a scenario where one queer woman dies at the hands of the other…and now I’m watching this show with a whole new level of anxiety.
Taylor returns home from a long day at work to find her husband strumming his newly acquired bass guitar. Jade offers her a respite — a night out dancing — and Taylor relishes the opportunity to spend some time together, alone. But before Jade and Taylor can cement their plans, Eli strolls in and invites himself along…and, surprisingly, he turns out to not be the most annoying interloper of the night.
Just as Taylor and Jade are about to make their way to the dance floor, two friends of Jade’s, Willow and Mischa, call out to her. They greet her warmly…too warmly for Taylor’s tastes and warmly enough to assure Eli that they definitely weren’t Jade’s first threesome. With every flirtatious touch, Taylor’s ire grows and when Wischa — who are every bit as ridiculous as their portmanteau suggests — invite Jade on their next Instagram Influencer adventure, Taylor can barely contain her emotions. She finally steals a moment alone with Jade and her hurt, jealousy and desperation comes out sounding like anger, fueled by alcohol, and Jade urges her to go home.
It’s not until she’s sobered up the next morning that Taylor realizes that she needs to find Jade and apologize. She tracks Jade using the Find My Friends app — no, that’s not creepy at all — and rushes to talk to her. Eli chases his wife down the stairs, encouraging her to just wait until Jade returns, but Taylor is desperate. Without Jade, she says, everything falls apart. Eli’s flummoxed by his wife’s admission and climbs atop her car to force a confrontation.
“This is too hard…my life is so hard,” an exasperated Taylor shrieks. For two years, she’s had to shoulder the burden of being the lone breadwinner and she can’t complain about it because, if she does, she’ll be considered a bitch. She admits, “Jade is the only thing in my life that is easy, ’cause she doesn’t take, she only gives. If she leaves, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”
When Jade returns to the house, she announces her intention to go abroad with the “low-rent Kardashians.” Eli and Taylor’s house is starting to feel like home and Jade’s worried about being the one hurt in the end. Eli interjects and asks Jade to consider this her home, permanently. She accepts, taking Taylor’s outstretched hand, and our throuple becomes OFFICIAL….and my Bury your Gays PTSD has started to kick-in.
Killjoys 506: Three Mutineers
Written by Valerie Anne
Much to everyone’s delight (especially mine), Delle Seyah and Aneela are back together, traipsing through the woods together with their son, on an adventure, and all feels right in the world..
Sometimes I genuinely forget that Aneela is also played by Hannah John-Kamen because she’s got that Tatiana quality about her.
But as soon as they kiss Aneela can taste that Kendry isn’t hullen anymore. She’s human. She pulls back, and Kendry is just as surprised that Aneela is still hullen, since they destroyed all the green (I guess being in the cube spared her?), and they decide to just get back to their mission instead of getting it on after this new revelation.
PS. During her plot over on the prison ship, Dutch puts on the warden’s vest and tie and uses a boss butch voice and it almost killed me swifter than her fighting in the last episode did.
Anyway, Aneela is acting a little dodgy and only asks for two tickets of passage and her and Dellle Seyah start to argue until Jaq interrupts them by saying, “Mom?” and then they both respond, “Which one?” and it’s such a cute Jaq-has-two-mommies moment. They get attacked briefly but the moms shut that shit down right quick and Aneela says if they touch her family again she’ll feed them their own skin so obviously she still loves them fiercely, so what’s all this weirdness about? Kendry asks her, and assumes it’s because she looks down on her because she’s human, but she’s still a queen gods-dammit.
But then Aneela explains that it’s quite the opposite. She was afraid that now that Kendry was human, she would see her hullen girlfriend as a monster. Kendry physically relaxes, relieved, and assures Aneela that she’s still a terrible person and they can still be lean mean Green Queens together. Aneela is ready to rip Kendry’s clothes off right there in the woods, infant teenage son be damned, and frankly with that leather sleeveless archer outfit, I don’t blame her. But they have to tuck their kid into his safe little cube so they can go off and save the world together.
Ambitions 111: “A Change is Gonna Come”
Written by Natalie
This kiss is what got them in trouble…
When Ambitions picks up this week, things appear picturesque: the Lancaster family’s gathered around the table to enjoy breakfast together. Evan tells his daughter that he ran into Tony Award winning director Kenny Leon who’s spearheading a theatrical exchange program with the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. Though Stephanie’s quick to assume that the only reason Carly’s on Leon’s radar is because of who her father is, Evan clarifies: Leon saw Carly’s performance in For Colored Girls and was impressed. Still irritated by her mother’s involvement in her break-up, Carly snaps back at her mother. But before Evan can gain any clarity on the tension between mother and daughter, Stephanie’s father storms in, irate that a TMZ-esque site has posted a picture of his granddaughter kissing Lori Purifoy.
Carly sits quietly, stunned at being forced out of the closet in this way, as her grandfather foments one conspiracy theory after another about how the picture came to be. Finally, with tears streaking down her cheek, Carly speaks up, “Lori didn’t ambush me, we were together, we were in love. I’m gay.”
Her admission does little to placate her grandfather’s anger, if anything, it only inflames it more. But when her grandfather crosses the line — calling Carly’s actions “ungodly” and chastising Stephanie for letting it happen — Evan intercedes, kicking his father-in-law out of the house. Later, when Stephanie’s father shows up at her office to continue his homophobic, anti-Purifoy rant, she’s puts him in his place: she won’t allow anyone to make Carly feel bad about her sexuality, including him. It’s one of the few maternal moments we’ve gotten from Stephanie Carlisle Lancaster.
Meanwhile, over at Purifoy Pharmaceuticals, Carly alerts Lori that the photo of them has leaked and Lori rushes to tell her father about the photo before someone else can. To say he takes it well is a profound understatement; he’s positively giddy. But lest Hunter Purifoy be mistaken for a caring dad, he quickly reveals the reason behind his interest: a relationship between a Carlilse and a Purifoy undermines the negative publicity that the Carlisle family has drummed up with their lawsuit. He encourages his daughter to rekindle her relationship with Carly.
But will she have that chance? A spot’s opened up in the theatrical exchange program and she’s decided to take it. While her father begs his daughter to stay, Stephanie’s delighted that Carly will be able to follow her passion and that the exchange will put an ocean between her and Lori. But given that Ambitions‘ mid-season finale ends with Carly’s grandfather dead and her half-brother kidnapped, maybe she shouldn’t start packing those bags yet.
BN90210 104: “The Table Read”
Written by Carmen
Kiss the women you want to kiss.
BH90210 opens up this week with Gabrielle Cateris’ nightmare. We’re back in the ‘90s at the Peach Pit, and she’s back wearing all of her ’90s costume. Donna, Kelly, and Brenda are all having a milkshake in the corner and Emily (that’s Christine Elise’s character from the OG series, shout out to the readers who took time to let me know last week!) is behind the counter. She and Emily awkwardly exchange hellos and then the other girls start to bully Gabrielle! Then there’s some nightmare smoke and suddenly Gabrielle is in a Carrie style prom dress, wielding a weedwacker and screaming at the top of her lungs, “What do you people want from me???”
So yeah, that’s not great.
In real life, Gabrielle is nervously sucking down a martini at a fancy restaurant when Christine saunters in, upset about ongoing production troubles for the Beverly Hills reboot. Gabrielle tries to switch subjects, this is a first date after all, and ends up spilling Martini all over the table. Christine can’t help but laugh – Gab thought this was a date?? Oh no, she meant pinging her on fake!Tinder as a gesture of friendship. (People, don’t do this! It’s mean!)
Later, during a cast and crew get together, Gabrielle spots Christine alone swirling a shot glass in her hand. Once Christine sees her, she tries to cover it by looking “busy at work” on her phone – but it’s already too late. Gabrielle sits down with her and the tension between them is THIIIICK. They look at each other, then they look at each other’s lips, and it’s quiet, there’s a breath. I was giddy with anticipation! And then… it’s over. Gabrielle doesn’t want to do this until the time is right, and she’s certainly too tipsy for the time to be right now.
That same night after everyone has gone home, Gabrielle visits Christine at her office. (BTW real life Gabrielle Cateris looks HOT in this all white suit, and dear reader, you deserve to know that.) She barely says a word, sitting down and gathering Christine’s face in her hands. They start to make out, but Christine stops her. Didn’t Gabrielle want to wait until the time was right before she had sex with a woman for the first time?
Well, you know what? Life is short. And the time is right because she is with a person that she’s developing feelings for. It’s sweet and romantic and dammit, if you would have told me that BH90210 was going to end the summer by gifting us the sexiest queer couple over 45 I’ve ever seen (well, until The L Word comes back in December) – I never would have believed you! And yet, here we are.
Boobs on Your Tube: You Need to Watch “Why Women Kill,” Don’t Make Us Tell You Again
Hello, Boobs Tubers, and welcome to the week The L Word: Generation Q trailer finally dropped and was annotated in obsessive detail by our very own TV Team. Also, speaking of Bette Porter: a new episode of To L and Back. What else? Well, Carmen raved about the nerdy black girls we deserve finally showing up on Dear White People. Meg Jones Wall marveled at how well Bachelor in Paradise is handling the sexually fluid queer relationship. Kayla loved and also had a few questions about season three of GLOW. Nel recapped Pose‘s emotional season finale. And the TV Team shared all their gay feelings about Jane the Virgin, which is now all on Netflix.
Notes and Reminders from the TV Team:
+ This isn’t necessarily gay, but if you love watching actresses at the peak of their craft – I couldn’t recommend the last two weeks of Queen Sugar any higher. These last two episodes have been a masterclass from everyone. In particular, Bianca Lawson is giving one of the finest performances I’ve seen all year. Seriously, it’s phenomenal. And Nova is finally coming back around! — Carmen
+ Queer barbarian Yasha has been MIA on Critical Role lately (thanks for nothing Blindspot) but Beau continues to be a perfect lesbian disaster, and recently bisexual actress Mica Burton (daughter of beloved storyteller LaVar Burton) played a queer druid for a guest stint and I’m not totally caught up but SHE’S SO CUTE AND I LOVE HER and I just needed you to know it. — Valerie Anne
This Way Up Season One
Written by Drew
This Way Up, a new series on Hulu written by and starring Aisling Bea, joins what is quickly becoming my new favorite genre: six-episode British shows written by their female leads. Yes, television is a beautiful landscape with lots of different types of work, but if you put me on a desert island with only The Bisexual, Fleabag, Crashing, Catastrophe, Chewing Gum, and now This Way Up, I’d be like cool a desert island with a TV I love my life.
Before you get too excited, Aine, the protagonist of This Way Up is not gay. In fact, none of the main characters are. The only out queer character is Aine’s sister’s business partner, Charlotte. But, if you’re patient, I promise the show ends with a queer surprise! And if you read gayness into everyone like I do you’ll totally see it coming and the whole season will feel pretty gay.
It’s also very easy to be patient, because the show is just really good. The premise may not seem primed for comedy, as it begins with Aine returning from a mental health facility after a suicide attempt, but Bea has a talent for finding the moments of joy and absurdity within the difficulty of life. Aine is almost too good for the world as she cracks jokes and goes out of her way helping strangers and acquaintances… while letting down her sister, her friends, and herself.
The supporting cast is filled with talent such as Sharon Horgan, Kadiff Kirwan, Indira Varma, Chris Geere, and Aasif Mandvi. Good is such a simple word, but this show is just good, and I mean that in a deeper sense than quality. Its heart is so pure and its characters are always trying so hard. There isn’t even an antagonist. Just a lot of messy people trying their best to take care of themselves and be kind to one another. Sometimes they fail, sometimes they succeed, and it’s always a pleasure to watch.
Killjoys 505: A Bout, A Girl
Written by Valerie Anne
Let me tell you what, covering a show that airs on Friday nights for Boob Tube, a column that goes up Friday day, is extremely frustrating when an episode is amazing and you have to wait A FULL WEEK to shout about it. Episode 505 was my favorite episode of the season so far. It opens with Delle Seyah WITH A BOW AND ARROW. AND A SLEEVELESS LEATHER OUTFIT. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any gayer, Jaq starts asking about his other mother and Kendry says it hurts too much to talk about her. (And tries to explain to Jaq how she’s related to him by saying, and I quote, “Sometimes when a woman loves another woman very much, she keeps the human hybrid baby an evil man put inside her and promises to protect that boy forever.”
And after that we spend most of our time in the prison, so I thought the only futher gayness I was going to be able to report was how I had an entire gay panic attack when Dutch got herself entered into a prison fight and KICKED SO MUCH ASS. And of course you KNOW Dutch is strong and you KNOW Dutch is hot but it’s never been showcased quite as explicitly and lovingly and not in a kick-and-go kind of way and WHEW was it perfection.
But then! As the episode comes to a close and Archer!Kendry gives Jaq a beautiful speech about how much she loves him and gets him to the magic cube safely…a wild Aneela appears.
It’s weird to say “a sight for sore eyes” since TECHNICALLY her face has been everywhere BUT I STILL MISSED HER.
The pure, unadulterated joy and shock on Kendry’s face here is so new it’s almost alarming but wow does it make my heart do flips.
Delle Seyah falls to her knees in a literal sense, and I do the same in a metaphorical sense, relieved to the all hells that my Green Queens are back together again.
Why Women Kill 102: “I’d Like to Kill Ya, But I Just Washed my Hair”
Written by Natalie
Eli: So what can I do to help?
Taylor and Jade: Absolutely nothing.
So, first things first: if you’re intrigued by the prospect of stepping into the simultaneous lives of a 1960s Pasadena housewife, a 1980s socialite and a modern-day polyamorous bisexual lawyer, CBS All Access has made the first episode of Why Women Kill available for free. Or if you just want to relive Kirby Howell-Baptiste telling her contractor that her dick is bigger than his over and over again, you can do that now too.
But onto this week: Taylor, Eli and Jade are enjoying some takeout and wine when Eli asks about how the pair met. Taylor explains she was shopping for bras — lingerie that he assumes was for his benefit but wasn’t — when her zipper got stuck and she asked Jade for help. One thing led to another and they hooked up, for the first time, in the dressing room. Eli savors the story until he discovers that their relationship is months old, not weeks, as Taylor had said. At first, he seems upset, hastily excusing himself to get pie, but when he slides his white, pasty bare ass into the Jacuzzi with them later, it’s clear what Eli’s motives are. Thankfully, Taylor’s more than willing to call him on his bullshit.
“You thought if you left Jade and I alone to get comfortable, we’d get a little loose, a little frisky, and then you could just slide right in and the three of us would fuck the night away,” she says. Eli admits that she’s right and begs her for a threesome. Taylor’s reluctant, at first, but when Jade says she’s game, they follow her up to the bedroom.
I groan audibly as it starts, I know how this is gonna go. Eli, with his self-satisfied smirk, knows how this is gonna go. But, as it turns out, both Eli and I are wrong…sure, he gets to have his fantasy fulfilled, but it feels like a formality…like it was a chore that Taylor and Jade needed to do in order to do what they really wanted to do: have sex with each other. Eli tries to help but the women push him out of bed and take care of themselves. When he returns to the room later — tired of waiting for them to come downstairs for pie à la mode — Eli spots his wife gently caressing her lover and he realizes the mess that he’s made.
Later, Taylor finds Eli sulking and asks what’s wrong. He responds by asking if she’s in love with Jade and when Taylor doesn’t answer right away, he takes her silence as a yes. She obfuscates by appealing to his insecurity about his career and assures him that, while Jade’s more than a hook-up, he’s the only love in her life. Eli accepts her defense and rushes off to the kitchen to get the pie, leaving a guilty looking Taylor staring out the window of her Pasadena home.
BN90210 103: “The Photo Shoot”
Written by Carmen
This is literally how I look at my phone when I’m trying to figure out what Tik Tok is. Welcome to Club Olds.
Well, let me tell you one thing: Gabrielle Carteris’ husband did NOT take her big coming out the way any of us had hoped, that’s for sure. And yes, for sure, finding out your wife of at least 20 years is queer would surprise most cis straight middle aged men, but c’mon! His outrage ranges from the biphobic (“You’re into women? I’m not a woman!” – way to make assumptions there, my guy) to the incredulous. Honestly, if Gabrielle divorced him at this point, I’d be fine with it. But she says he is her best friend and I do want whatever is best for, so I hope they work it out. I guess.
MEANWHILE there’s a couple of fun cameos this week! The cast’s group therapist was also the mom of one of the characters (please don’t ask me who) in the original series. Also, last week we met a producer who used to be in the cast, but I didn’t pay attention. Now I’m fully invested because it turns out this person is here and queer and proud of it! Her name is Christine Elise and she’s hot. If you’re the kind of gay who is into P!nk or that one Dixie Chick, you are going to find your needs very satisfied here. Anyone wants to tell me who hot producer Christine Elise played in the original series, I would super appreciate it.
Hot producer Christine Elise is very interested in Gabrielle’s (ahem, excuse me, Andrea’s) coming out arc in the reboot. She tells Gabrielle to cut the shit – she knows a IRL gay when she sees one. And then this is super cute! Gabrielle pulls out a notebook to interview Christine about what it’s like to be gay for “research” for her “character”! Christine recommends putting down the notebook and hitting the club – or at least getting on some apps! – because some experiences can only happen for yourself.
The episode ends with Christine visiting Gabrielle on set. Gabrielle hasn’t had much luck on the apps yet, but Christine boosts her confidence. Lots of babes are going to want to date her, and sure enough Christine is one of those babes. Let’s do this.
(Also, drumroll please! SHANNEN DOHERTY IS OFFICIAL BACK! I know this – wherever Shannen is, diva drama surely follows, and I for one cannot wait!)
Grand Hotel 110: “Suite Little Lies”
Written by Carmen
❤️❤️❤️
It’s been a while since we caught up with Yoli, and here’s what she has been up to: Her father is some kind of Bernie Madoff who made a lot of money conning rich people in pyramid schemes. For most of Yoli’s life, he’s been on the run from the Feds. Now he’s back and Yoli (along with Carolina) have been hiding him in the hotel. It’s over the top and messy, but whatever, we all knew what we signed up for when we started this show.
Yoli wants Marisa to meet her felon dad, but her girlfriend is very resistant to the entire ordeal. When Yoli ponders leaving the country with her dad for while so he can find safety, Marisa fully freaks out. She can’t handle this. She didn’t fall in love with Yoli to become some part of a criminal enterprise!
It turns out that the reason Marisa is weary of Yoli’s rich people legal troubles is because she’s undocumented. Her family left Colombia when she was four. Yoli might be “playing” lawbreaker to help her dad, but she has the resources to be safe. Marisa most certainly does not. She begs Yoli not to spread her secret; she’s never told anyone before who wasn’t her family.
Yoli looks her in her eyes and gently strokes the side of her face, “I guess that makes me your family now.”
Keeping it real, I can’t imagine that Grand Hotel is getting renewed by ABC (but wow do I hope I’m wrong). That said, it’s soapy and deliciously good. If you live at an intersection where you loved Desperate Housewives or Mistresses AND Jane the Virgin, I PROMISE you will find a delightfully mindless way to spend a few late summer hours. Give yourself this treat before its too late.
Boobs On Your Tube: “Why Women Kill” Is The Bisexual Polyamorous Misandrist Dark Comedy of Your Dreams
Welcome back to Boobs on Your Tube, just one of the many places on the internet you’ll find Heather Hogan flipping out about Jenny Schecter still being alive. Speaking of, there’s an all-new episode of To L and Back for you this week. Also, Carmen reviewed the brilliant, hilarious A Black Lady Sketch Show and Nel recapped a really heartwarming episode of Pose.
Reminders from the TV Team:
+ I’m back from EH Con and as promised, I have something to report: there was a very cute panel called The Newlywed Game and it was WayHaught vs Jettri (Jeremy and Robin) and it was very fun and sweet. And let’s just say, the answer for “what’s Nicole’s favorite thing to eat” was epic. The con is transcribing the panels before uploading so it might be a minute before they go up but I’ll be sure to link you in Boob Tube when they do. I was also on a panel about LGBTQ+ representation that I’ll also link eventually, if you want it. — Valerie Anne
+ Speaking of Wynonna Earp, Emily Andras is developing a new show and the title alone (Axeholes!) is amazing, but the concept of comic-con nerds ending up in their show’s universe is literally a dream come true. And it’s Andras, so you KNOW it’s gonna be gay. — Valerie Anne
Claws 310: “Finna”
Written by Natalie
This is how I look watching this show now.
Two weeks ago, their clothes still stained in blood, Melba and Desna paid their debt to Benedict and the Chinese mob. When Benedict dismissed the death of her husband, Melba lashed out and Desna’s forced to restrain her. Once Melba’s out of sight, Benedict makes it plain: Melba has to go. He explains,”grief makes people unpredictable and we can’t afford unpredictable.” Turns out, he should’ve taken his own advice.
Determined to ingratiate herself to her new boss, Desna offers up her connection to Henry Zayas — Ann’s brother and the newly crowned frontrunner for governor — as a reason that Benedict should spare her life and keep her on his payroll. With the new connection to Florida’s power brokers, Benedict’s plan to open three casinos across the state is still viable, so he agrees to the partnership. Despite having promised the casino to Joe, Benedict also acquiesces to Desna’s demand that she and her crew be left to run the casino.
Back at the salon, Desna tries to persuade her crew that this time they’ll truly level up, but no one’s convinced. Ann returns to the salon as a way to distract herself from the grief and she barely has time to fold the towels before Desna asks for a favor. She explains Benedict’s offer — the casino, in exchange for access to Ann’s brother — and Ann is, understandably, apoplectic. I’m not sure why Desna thought this would go any other way but she persists and, though she considers it for a moment, ultimately, Ann refuses to drag her brother into this mess.
After discovering that Ann’s been talking to the police, Benedict orders Desna to fix the situation and she once again begs Ann to talk to her brother to avert more blood shed. Eventually, Ann gives in, setting up a meeting between Henry and Benedict. But ultimately that just turns out to be a ruse: once Ann’s got Benedict alone, sans phone and guards, she and Benedict’s disgruntled “partner,” Joe, lock him inside and set the entire casino ablaze. Benedict was right: grief really does make people unpredictable.
When Desna shows up to survey the damage, Ann takes credit for the fire and Benedict’s death, to her boss’ dismay. Ann notes that she only did what Desna couldn’t — or wouldn’t — do because things had gotten out of hand. She adds, “you wanted to have it all, hope it was worth it.”
It feels a bit meta for Claws‘ third season to end this way. Things have gotten out of hand and the show’s ratings (and its lack of renewal) reflect that…hopefully, by burning it all down, Claws gets a chance to start again and reconnect with the things that made the show worth watching in the first place.
Ambitions 109: “Giving Up”
Written by Natalie
Oh, Carly, do I have a playlist for you…
Lori’s hosting a mixer at Purifoy Pharmaceuticals when she spots another woman checking her out. She beelines over to her and asks the stranger if she sees anything she likes. The mystery girl says they both do — her and her boyfriend — and invite Lori to leave with them. Now, let’s be clear, Lori Purifoy is, to quote one Atlanta legend, “fine as all outdoors” but having two attractive strangers dropping a threesome in your lap, seconds after meeting them? Yeah, that’s a little too good to be true. But Lori’s too much of an egotist to stop and question the moment and, instead, heads to bed with her new playmates. I guess we now know why that bisexual mood lighting follows Lori everywhere.
Later Lori gets a text message from Carly to stop at her at her parents’ house but — surprise! — it’s not from Carly at all, it’s from Carly’s mother, Stephanie. She invites Lori to stay for a drink and in walk the other two-thirds of Lori’s threesome to deliver them. It was all a set-up. Tired of waiting for her daughter’s relationship with Lori to implode, Stephanie took it upon herself to move things along. While Lori contends that she and Carly were never exclusive, Stephanie knows that her daughter will see it differently. Lori will just deny the cheating allegations — who’s Carly going to believe, her or two prostitutes — but then, of course, Stephanie admits that she has video of the torrid affair. She gives Lori an ultimatum: break up with Carly or she’ll leak the sex tape.
When Carly gets out of class the next day, Lori’s waiting by her car. She does as Stephanie’s instructed — belittling her relationship with Carly in the process — but eventually, she just tells the truth: she had a threesome with some randoms she met at the mixer. Lori defends herself by saying that they hadn’t really defined their situationship but Carly calls bullshit: they were a couple. Lori concedes the point, admitting that she screwed up but warns Carly about her treacherous mother. Lori explains that Stephanie hired people to seduce her and while it’s enough to inflame Carly’s anger at her mother, it doesn’t save their relationship.
Later, Carly joins her family for a dinner in memory of her grandmother, Thelma Lancaster. As soap opera dinner parties are wont to do, everything quickly goes awry and Stephanie’s fingerprints are all over it. After watching her mother’s actions compel everyone to leave the the party abruptly, Carly realizes that everything Lori’s told her about her mother is true…and she follows everyone else out.
Why Women Kill 101: “Murder Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry”
Written by Natalie
BAWSE.
Why Women Kill is the story of three women who live in the same house, decades apart. Beth Ann Stanton (Ginnifer Goodwin) is a homemaker who lives in the Pasadena home with her husband, Rob, in the 1960s. By 1984, the house is occupied by Simone Grove (Lucy Liu), a thrice married socialite, and her husband, Karl. And then, in modern day, the home is being redesigned by high-powered attorney, Taylor Harding (Kirby Howell-Baptiste), and her screenwriter husband, Eli. From the opening title sequence, it’s clear that the men are not long for this world but the who, what, when, how and why of it all is a mystery….a mystery that unfolds a bit more in every new episode.
When we meet Taylor, she’s inquiring about a change in the blueprints for the remodel: she wanted a new window on the side of the building, while the contractor added the new window to the back. The contractor’s dismissive and assures her that she’ll like what he’s doing. Unsatisfied, Taylor persists. The contractor responds that Taylor doesn’t understand his language so she’ll just have to trust him, adding a “sweetie” at the end to make himself even more insufferable.
“I may not understand construction, but I do understand contracts, especially the one you signed, which clearly states that I don’t have to pay you unless the work is completed to my satisfaction,” Taylor explains. “And that means, for the purpose of this, and all future conversations, my dick is bigger than yours. Am I speaking your language now…?”
Okay, Taylor, we are going to get along just fine.
Later, after a long day of work, Taylor comes home to her husband and before they can order dinner, her friend, Jade (Alexandra Daddario), calls. As Taylor collects her jacket and keys, we discover that Taylor and Eli have an open marriage — at her urging, not his — and Jade is one of Taylor’s “hook-ups.” Their open marriage has rules, including “don’t bring hookups into the house” and “don’t become emotionally involved,” both of which Taylor violates when she rescues Jade from her stalker ex-boyfriend. Eli’s mad at first but Jade walks in and, suddenly, all is forgiven…and the fact that Jade spends her time cooking and cleaning helps him ignore the blurring lines.
At first, Taylor and Eli are the model of good communication in a poly-amorous relationship but the longer Jade stays, the more Eli’s attraction to her grows and he doesn’t bother to share that with his wife. He swears he’s just being a good guy when he volunteers to let Jade stay at their house for as long as she needs. Because, of course, he does.
Bachelor in Paradise 602A & 602B
Written by Meg Jones Wall
While Demi’s initial introduction to Bachelor in Paradise included a staged conversation with the previous bachelorette, giving Demi an opportunity to come out as sexually fluid and explain that she’s been “casually dating a woman in LA,” the majority of this season’s Paradise has been dominated by love triangles, miscommunications, and heterosexual nonsense. But this week, Demi’s sexuality and struggles became a more central storyline. In camera confessionals and conversations with friends, she admitted that she came to Paradise hoping to take space from her growing relationship, worried that she’s been too “in it” with this woman to have clarity around what she truly wants. Through tears, Demi explained that she only recently came out to her parents, and that she’s tired of keeping up a shield and “hiding all the layers of herself from the world.”
Since arriving on the show, Demi’s been partnered with Derek, a John Krasinski lookalike that’s been clear and consistent about his attraction to her. While she initially avoided telling him about her existing relationship, on Tuesday Demi shared everything, beginning an honest and respectful conversation about their connection. And though Derek and Demi agreed to continue getting to know each other, the teasers for next week indicate that more drama is ahead.
As ridiculous as this show often is, I was surprised and even moved by the authenticity and respect that Demi’s storyline has included. Previews have hyped Demi’s sexuality and confusion for drama, but seeing her honestly express her fears over rejection, openly explain what she wants, and receive nothing but generosity and warmth from her fellow cast members was a huge relief. It’s a beautiful and genuine series of moments from a show that typically emphasizes drama, snark, and disrespect, and made watching 8 full hours of BiP worth it. (Mostly.)
BH90210 102: “The Pitch”
Written by Carmen
Imagine coming out of the closet and immediately being in Bette Porter’s age bracket? How lucky can one woman get.
So, Gabrielle Carteris (if you were a ‘90s teen, probably know her as Adrea Zuckerman, but it’s fine) is definitely still processing her big gay make out with an overly zealous 90210 fan named Betty McRae (if you’re anything like me, you remember from the 1940s, it’s still fine). Gabrielle is processing it so much that she actually turns to her friend Jason Priestly for advice!
To his very bare minimum middle aged white man low bar standards, he reacts very calmly when his best friend of 30 years tells him that not only did she kiss a woman the weekend they were all in Vegas, she’s had romantic feelings for women for quite some time. Still Jason asks, why now? Why this woman? What made this time different?
Gabrielle looks down at her infant granddaughter sitting in her little baby carrier on their LA patio. She sums it quite simply, she wants her granddaughter to be her most authentic self. She can’t do that if her grandmother is a hypocrite. And that means that Gabrielle still has a lot to work through ahead of her! Which is how she comes up with a laughably brilliant idea! What if in the 90210 reboot, its Andrea Zuckerman who is working through all her big gay feelings and late in life coming out? Get it? The story within the story! TA-DA!
Tori Spelling – who’s become the makeshift producer of this entire delightful train wreck, but that’s a different story for a different day – agrees to Gabrielle’s terms. After all, a little extra diversity and sizzle never hurt a reboot, amirite?
The episode ends with Gabrielle enjoying a glass of wine with her husband on the couch. It’s been a long few days, but at least the reboot is officially underway. The problem is that now she realizes she just can’t “act” her feelings through Andrea. She has to face her own truth. She turns around in his arms and starts to cry, that cry you cry when you’re growing and you’re afraid your growth is going to hurt someone you love. Andrea’s coming out, and so is she.