The Winter of Our Lesbian Content: This is a Glee, Skins & Pretty Little Liars Megapost
Remember that beautiful week — when was it? It seems like so long ago. Was it only two weeks ago? Were we ever so young? Were we ever so teary-eyed and wet-pantsed and surprised and shocked and touched and awed and optimistic about everything in the whole wide world?
Reader: we were. And we had reason to be. You couldn’t fly a crop-duster through a Burbank backlot without hitting the head of a lesbian/queer/bif-ckingcurious storyline.
Now that your triweekly serving of Lez is officially over (for the time being) and we still don’t know who A. is or which conventionally attractive lesbian Emily will take to next year’s Winterdeath Ball or whatever it was, it’s time to look back on the season that was. It’s time to dwell excessively upon the clear-pored Sapphic or semi-Sapphic humans who graced the screen of my laptop this past winter (because I don’t have a teevee, but you probably do, so this might just feel totally different for you than it does for me).
Am I watching “Landslide” again as I type this? Maybe.
This past season has been unquestionably the most lesbionic TV season of all time. This must be how gay men felt for the 356 years Will & Grace was on the air, along with Queer as Folk, Sex and the City, Dawson’s Creek, The Office, Entourage, Noah’s Arc, Degrassi, The Sopranos and Six Feet Under OR MAYBE even how they feel right now with Modern Family, Glee, Nurse Jackie, Shameless, Gossip Girl, 90210, Lost, Weeds, Big Love, Ugly Betty, Brothers & Sisters, Greek, Mad Men, True Blood, The United States of Tara and basically every single show on Logo.
I talked about why we’re getting so much gay TV at the end of my Glee recap and so I’ve only got this to add: This season we were permitted to dream.
This had not been the case before now. Much like the feeling of ordering from Burger Fresh in the early 90s, we don’t expect the people in charge to get everything right. We don’t expect a homoerotic ‘ship to sail or sexual tension to get a follow-up episode or parents to “come around” to their gay kid. We expect at least one dead and one converted lesbian.
But, again like the feeling of ordering from Burger Fresh in the early 90s, we tuned in just the same because TV provides convenient at-home delivery. That’s right, Burger Fresh delivered. In MICHIGAN. So what do you want, a cheeseburger with the-wrong-kind-of-cheese and extra unordered-bacon-even-though-you’re-Jewish delivered to your doorstep? Or do you want to look into your freezer to see what’s worth re-heating from last year? You follow?
This season we felt slightly less like Lesbo Bevis & Butthead or desperate superfans because the little things we picked up on — Mini’s attraction to Franky, Sanatana and Brittany’s chemistry — actually got fleshed out, even just a little.
We’ll be rating these shows on a Lesbo Rating Scale from “Angry Lesbian” to “Happy Lesbian.”
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Skins UK (e4)
Queers:
Franky – genderqueer and pansexual (relatively confirmed)
Mini – bisexual or a lesbian (suspected)
Dude I Hate Who Coincidentally Ruins Everything:
Oh, f- you in the ear Matty, you dark brooding super-complicated emo quasi-rebel, Avril Lavigne is darker than you are in your darkest hour. Courtney Love would smash your face in in a fist-fight and Jordan Catalano would be a better boyfriend. You thrive in the land of vulnerable women because you wear black a lot, which is edgy, and also you’re SO SO loyal to your OH SO COMPLICATED heart and its OH SO COMPLICATED feelings and you think if you curl your lip like that then somehow your reckless disregard for the subjects of your emotional attention will pass as genuine confusion rather than selfish, fickle, and pretentious. UGH UGH UGH.
I do think it’d be interesting to see our favorite genderqueer pansexual fawn Franky to date a dude so I’m not even mad about the fact that she seemingly ended up with Matty instead of Mini for gender reasons.
Just — Lawd do I hate this character. Everything he did made me groan.
In the End:
In Skins‘ Season Five finale, our suspicions that Mini has a Big Fat Lesbian Crush on Franky are confirmed, mostly because she does that thing that you did to your best friend in high school where you pretend to be Dr. Phil (“you deserve better, don’t go be with that boy”) / Oprah (“You’re my best friend! I protect you from the world!”) to cover up that you’re actually Ellen (“I like girls! Be with me! SURPRISE!”) . But also because Mini stores photos of Franky in her cell-phone spank-bank, tries to kill Matty, and constantly wants to touch/hold Franky. Oh, and Liv calls Mini out for her “girl crush.”
What precisely transpires in the poppyfields of Somewhere in the United Kingdom where Rich and Grace are going to get married is unclear — Franky thought 9/11 was beautiful, Franky just wanted to be normal for once, she takes a lot of drugs, freaks out when Matty tries to have sex with her which might be because she experienced some kind of sexual trauma earlier in life. Franky runs away, there’s a scene in a church basement where Liv starts to kiss Franky’s back to appeal to Matty but it doesn’t, Liv and Matty break up, and then, at an impromptu wedding reception with a Midsummer’s Night Dream theme, Franky arrives, texts with Matty about being a glorious headfuck thing, and then runs into his arms and is held. This could be a friendly hug or a love-forever hug, hopefully not the latter because as aforementioned I find Matty irritating.
Rating:
Skins was, per always, an excellent television program this season, which earns bonus points. Also extra for trotting out TV’s first genderqueer pansexual and for making aforementioned genderqueer pansexual so f-cking cute!
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family)
[read all our posts on pretty little liars]
Queers:
Emily – lesbian (confirmed)
Maya – lesbian (confirmed)
Paige – lesbian (confirmed)
Samara – lesbian (confirmed)
Dude I Hate Who Coincidentally Ruins Everything:
A., Ian, Officer Garret, Ezra, Aria’s Dad, Caleb, Lucas, Noel Cahn and basically every male character on this show who took up minutes of the finale that should’ve been spent on Emily making out with girls.
In the End:
The final episode of Pretty Little Liars was super-busy with all of this “plot” and “murder mystery” nonsense and contained only one lesbian reference in the whole entire thing. Where was Paige? What if Paige is A and we didn’t even know about it?! What if Sounder killed Jenny?
Emily’s Mom wants to move to Texas to be with their Dad, but there’s no way they’re taking Shay off the show so let’s not even bother with that besides to say that Hanna teases Emily regarding if Texas “beauty queens” are her type. Which is super-adorbs.
Emily is e-mailing Samara so that love connection is open, Paige is nowhere to be found and Maya is apparently completing her 16th week of the Most Intense Marijuana Treatment Program of all time. When she comes back she’ll probably be allergic to everything.
Ultimately Emily’s storyline was a refreshing departure from expectation. Emily stood up to her Mom (who eventually came around, somewhat), felt liberated after her secret was revealed, and even refused to participate in someone else’s closeted antics.
The last lesbian scenes of the season are expounded upon in our recap of the second-to-last episode of Pretty Little Liars.
Rating:
For TV’s most admirable lesbian character, a “9.”
Next: Skins US and Glee
Franky Likes People: Skins UK Episode 507 is a Pansexual Ending to a Very Queer Week of TV
On Monday, Paige said “I’m gay” and the whole world changed. On Tuesday, Santana told Brittany she wanted to be with her and said she had all of these feelings she was afraid of.
And last night in the United Kingdom, on the teevee program Skins, Season Five, Episode Seven; Liv, Mini and Grace do a bunch of coke and decide it’s time to ask Franky, our favorite genderqueer fawn, about her sexuality.
Mini: What’s Franky’s story then?
Liv: Franky is Viola, the girl dressed as a boy who can’t get what she wants, whatever that is.
Franky: I know what I want.
Liv: And what’s that?
Franky: What’s what?
Mini: Well uh, Franky, you haven’t really told us whether you’re a — you know — or a —
Franky: A what or a what?
Liv: A LESBIAN.
Grace: Liv that’s so —
Franky: — no, it’s ok, I don’t mind. And the answer is…. no. I’m not anything.
Mini: So you’re bisexual?
Franky: No, I’m — into people.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Liv: Who are you into at the moment?
Part of me wants to smack Liv in the face and the other part of me notices that they’re still just doing drugs and dancing, and that Liv is notably more concerned about Franky edging in on her boyfriend than she was about Franky being a lezzer, despite the locker room taunts that re-scarred all of us for life in the Season opener.
The music playing in the next scene — at a club where the boy Franky might like (Matty) leaves Liv (his girlfriend) to rescue Franky from a weird dude that’s hitting on her — is Jessie J’s “Do it Like a Dude.” It’s like everything is meta and a recap of some other recap.
Then! THEN! At play practice the next day, Grace, for no other reason than — I can only deduct — to specifically please me, directs Mini to kiss Franky even though Shakespeare didn’t necessarily put that part in the play. This is, keep in mind, after it’s been revealed that Franky likes people, and “people” includes “girls.” Yet there is minimal hesitation.
Franky and Mini kiss. And there’s a linger.
Alo’s eyes get real big and then — then it’s over.
Grace hops along onto being upset about Matty and Liv not wanting to be in the play and Mini wants to know if she’s doing better at her part and then Grace and Rich have a fight. And SCENE.
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At practice the next day, it’s Matty’s turn to kiss Franky. It’s like The Shooting Tila Tequila Show up in here.
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And when the time comes, the camera flashes to Mini:
… and back to the kiss. When Matty and his Chord Overstreet lips swing into her neighborhood, Franky turns quickly. Why. Does she have feelings. I learned about feelings earlier this week on Glee.
Unfortunately for us, Matty’s a self-obsessed asshole STUPID BOY who doesn’t deserve Franky, so this is really no contest, sexuality aside.
Then, during the play, Liv decides it’s time to kiss Franky because EVERYONE KISS THE GENDERFLUID SEXUALITY FLUID GIRL IT’S FLUID WEEK YOU’RE GAY YOU’RE STRAIGHT GO WITH THE FLOW IT’S SHAKESPEARE MOTHERFUCKERS KISS EVERYONE PANROMANTIC CANNONFUCK HEADTHING
Franky feels so tender but also fierce. I hope that she doesn’t feel like a canvas on which everyone can act out their desires. Being wanted by everyone but also no-one. I hope she doesn’t feel that way. I don’t think it’s true, anyhow. But Mini was the Original Franky Bully. We know what that means.
Then Liv yells at Matty because she saw him in the wings watching her kiss Franky like a “sick fuck” and he says “it’s two girls kissing, of course it turned me on!” and then Liv asks Matty if he loves Franky and he says he loves Liv but won’t say he doesn’t love Franky, which makes no sense at all, because Franky and Matty have had like what, one conversation ever, in the field, and I think Franky held a gun to his head and was crying and he had on a trenchcoat and it was like Black Swan meets The Lost Boys meets Salute Your Shorts meets The Wire meets The Catcher in the Rye but who knows maybe they can communicate via cross-room body language like Ursula told Ariel she could do in The Little Mermaid.
Oh so and, here’s what happens next week:
The amazing thing is that Franky is like a secret flirtmaster. That girl can suggestively stare a sexual response out of a tree. For crying out loud those eyes. I guess her and Matty could have staring contests forever and ever, maybe that could be romantic.
Part of what makes Skins feel so authentic (when it succeeds) is, obviously, the one-character episode format. We see them not only in their private lives but we see them literally alone. No other show spends that much time alone with kids in their rooms — the part we don’t even see of our friends’ lives — of anyone’s lives. We see, sometimes excessively, how they feel about sex — Mini trying the positions she sees in magazines to be ready for her first time with Nick, Sid jerking off to shitty magazines or a picture of Michelle or Alo with his multi-screen porn-viewing set-up. We see their crazy families and the things they don’t tell their friends — like there’s so much on both ends when you’re a teenager, so much family to hide from your friends and so much friends to hide from your family and so much heart and sex to hide from everyone.
And then we see them in the context of everyone else’s world, and it’s really hard to dislike a person once you know where they’re coming from. Which is a lot like real life, too, I think. I’m glad they started with Franky. It’s like she’s our little Cub Scout leader for Season Five.
via ncampbell.tumblr.com
I don’t even know. What’s next. Sex riot, right? Equality?
Genderqueer Outlaw: Meet Franky, Skins Season Five’s Glorious Headf*ck Thing
We weren’t going to write about Skins‘ Season Five because we’d heard that the show was homo-free and we only have room in our budget/calendars to recap programs chock-full of homosexual glory. Skins usually IS that program, and it’s been consistently popular with queers like us for its frank, unsparing and realistic portrayal of the homogay lifestyle. Both UK Generations and the current US incarnation feature at least one gay character — Maxxie, Naomi, Emily, Tea.
This season, eager fans saw the cast photo and assumed one of these humans was a lesbian:
— and were disappointed when Dakota Blue Richards (the girl in the black in the middle, obviously), who plays the not-lesbian, told the press that her character was, you know, not a lesbian.
However! Show creators did hint that “one of the characters in the next generation is very much in the tradition of Skins portrayal of sexuality, but you won’t quite know what or who she is for quite a while.”
So. Two weeks ago last Monday I accidentally downloaded G3-s1 (Skins UK) instead of s1-e3 (Skins MTV) and accidentally started watching it and before I knew it I was typing stuff on my keyboard, deciding to forego the US Skins recap altogether!
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Meet Franky
Skins dedicates each episode to one character or two (premieres and finales occasionally are attributed to “everyone”) and Season Five’s premiere episode featured Franky Fitzgerald.
Franky’s profile on the Skins website cites “Joan of Arc” as Franky’s “Religious View” and names The Little Prince and The Clockwork Orange, among others, as her favorite books. Franky sometimes communicates with a tiny wooden doll who stars in videos Franky films in her room. Franky is very precise about things. She’s the adopted daughter of the cherub/cheery Jeff and Geoff, her “Dads” who met in the army and married in camouflage. She has really nice skin.
Oh yeah and also, she’s genderqueer.
Genderqueer: A difficult/contentious term to define, or a catch-all term for gender identities falling outside the gender binary or transcending traditional meanings of “man” and “woman.” Reflective of the understanding that sex and gender are separable aspects of a human person. Many genderqueers do not define their identity by referencing the binary gender system, some consider themselves to be a third gender, others identify as genderless or androgynous or simply transgressive or otherwise misgendered within the dominant binary system.
In the weeks leading up to Season Five’s premiere, some readers were harassing Crystal and I about our refusal to recap the show, insisting that Franky’s genderqueerness and homosexual fathers were enough gay to warrant a recap.
“What, she has short hair and wears ties or something but the producers aren’t gutsy enough to make her masculine-of-center AND gay?” I thought, imagining that this alleged genderqueerdom would ring about as true as Ashley’s goth phase on Degrassi.
But I’d forgotten that Skins doesn’t play us like that. More recently, a reader wrote me personally:
Unless I am way off base (I don’t believe I am), this character is genderqueer. Frankie may not understand it yet. I had no clue for 26 years. I appreciate the feelings of emptiness and utter loneliness. I’ve seen those looks on people’s faces for years. I know what it’s like to be called a ‘thing.’ People can’t place you and their confusion turns to anger.
Skins always goes for the jugular, steering its narrative into the deepest cesspools of teenage desire and fear, the murky hideaways where adolescence is at its most wretched and hard-fought.
Skins never aims to glamorize anything or anyone, which is the real reason The Parents Television Council’s warnings fall on deaf ears. Skins characters aren’t the impossibly clear-skinned, perfectly-haired, ingeniously-dressed, stick-thin, perfect-jawed plastics on 90210 — they look more like people we know. (Except Effy. Nobody knows anyone who looks like Effy.)
More importantly, the kids in Skins are usually fucked, alienated and often quite sad, though occasionally gifted with transcendent moments of reckless, often drug/sex-induced happiness.
But we don’t want to be the kids on Skins. Why would we pattern our behavior after a group of kids who — in addition to sporting an alarmingly high mortality rate — overdose, go to jail, get beaten up, fail out of school, get sick, get institutionalized, wreck cars, become homeless, get robbed, get hit by cars/paralyzed and repeatedly screw up relationships, friendships and families?
That’s not glamour — that’s hard knocks, and if there’s one thing all the Skins kids have in common it’s this sense that they are HARDENED, that things have not been, in one way or another, handed to them on a silver platter.
Viewers want to be like the characters on 90210 or Gossip Girl; they want those shimmery, easy lives of effortless beauty and impossible, free-floating wealth where dysfunction is always more foreplay than disaster. Viewers envy Gossip Girls’s consequence-free world of framed college degrees and dark, sexy furniture.
We want to be Kelly Taylor or Blair Waldorf.
But we’re already Emily Fitch.
We’re already Franky Fitzgerald.
It’s just that nobody cared enough to talk about us before now.
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Episode 1: Franky
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The fifth season of Skins begins with that strikingly intimate shot of a kid who’s already awake, but still in bed — you know the one —
… while the loose janky chords of The Strange Boy’s “Be Brave” start thumping from the corners of Franky’s lucid, determined consciousness as she wakes and begins her morning routine in the room she’s just moved into. Her sartorial game is determinedly dapper, like a Newsie getting dressed for dinner.
Franky is very little, with small bones and dark, nervous eyes, impeccably clear skin and hair slicked back to reveal her adorkably earnest ears and the wide, clear slope of her face. She’s the kind of kid that adults realize is going to be really fucking badass one day and therefore approach as though she’s a tiny, endangered bird in need of temporary supervision. Franky seems to prefer that everyone just speak their minds, rather than keeping all the ugly stuff to themselves.
Franky, face already defensively perturbed, is advised by her Dads to “try and fit in” but it’s clear, from her outfit, that she’s never gonna fit in. She’s heading out into the cruel cruel world where rascally schoolboys call her a lezzer and try to beat her up, which leads to Franky hijacking a motorized wheelchair and ultimately crashing directly into her first day of school, at which point Mini, the Queen Bee, gaffs, “Wow. Has the circus come to town or what?”
For Franky it kinda has, however — insofar as her first day of school is like a twisted Horror Funhouse of nightmarish Worst First Day Fears, beginning with being thrust immediately into gym class and, sans gym clothes, given dirty white shorts and a Frankie Says Relax t-shirt from the Lost & Found, and proceeding gamely forward into her first awkward locker room scene.
As Franky weaves through the rows of caustic-looking clones in safe, pastel bra-and-panties sets, I felt my own stomach tighten and twist, remembering how terrifying it was to undress in front of other girls when I was 15 or 16 — and how I’d therefore beeline for the handicapped stall when nobody was looking, where I could change without anyone asking why I wore boxer shorts or noticing how severely I did not need a bra. Like I’d accidentally put my clothes on while peeing or something, I couldn’t help it, I was like Superman.
The girls laugh at Franky, especially when they spot what seems to me to be a perfect pair of boyshorts with “Oh my god what the hell are those?” Mini takes it a step further, seizing an opportunity to exercise her social power — “Are you like in fancy dress, or is that like an actual like, choice?”
Here’s the thing about Franky — I don’t think it’s an actual like, choice. This is just who she is.
Later in the episode when she attempts wearing makeup and more feminine clothing to please her new friends, she ultimately breaks down during an English presentation — “I tried today and now I feel kind of less like me, and I’m not exactly over the moon about being me in the first place, but now I think I kinda like it less when I’m trying NOT to be me. Because I just wanna like, be.”
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Franky Meets Other People
The three girls who ‘befriend’ Franky in the first episode are nothing like Franky — or at least it seems that way at first.
Mini and Liv have that look of suburban high school girls who have been popular for so long that their souls have become just another accessory. Grace tags along airily, saying absent/sweet/silly things while remaining inexorably bound to Mini’s haughty hip; a partnership perhaps maintained by the unstoppable inertia of adolescence. Perhaps Mini feels Grace’s child-like goodness could go either way, perhaps she and Liv feel almost generous for allowing Grace to be a teammate rather than a target.
The girls wear bright, trendy clothing and flash obnoxious gummy smiles. Mini’s jewelry clanks with each of her loose strides and Mini is senselessly, compulsively mean, and threatened – clearly – by Franky. There is no room in Mini’s head for a girl like Franky, so it’s easier to call her a dyke and keep Franky’s stubborn subscription to non-conformity far away from Mini’s world of fast-handed boyfriends and magazines about how teenagers should do their hair.
They are the anti-Franky, but something about her appeals to them. Do they want to change her or look at her? And is it relevant that Franky refuses to engage in being submissive, and that even though she is almost constantly fighting weakness, she meets them eye-to-eye?
Because when Franky’s gender non-conformity is challenged, Franky, despite emotional tugs from all corners of the room, maintains an inspiring certainty about who she is and what she feels comfortable wearing.
For example…
In the grand tradition of gender transgressors past, Franky’s new friends submit her to The Makeover. You know The Makeover, right? Yes. It begins in a flurry of Shiloh Panic and usually ends with a mall montage and a happy customer.
We’re in the mall dressing room and they’ve already gotten Franky to try eyeliner and lipstick. Mini’s found a dress Grace describes as a “punky butterfly” and they’ve got Franky in it. You can almost feel Franky’s itchy discomfort over being given clothes truly meant for an entirely different human; like when you feel, trying clothes on, that it’d be more efficient just to put them on another person’s skin, but you can’t, and so you squeeze your self-conception into them and feel itchy, even if nothing itches.
This is what Franky must wear, though, says Mini. This is what you need to wear to be in my world, where we carry condoms in our hot pink purses and say shocking mean things to each other for sport and we’re all on drugs so what the fuck ever, you know?
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The morning after their shopping trip, Franky dips her toes in the water of semi-conformity, applying eye makeup and wearing something a bit more flirty. It’s unclear if she’s compromising with Mini/herself here or if she regularly switches up her style. But the compromise doesn’t fly either: “You can’t come to my soiree like that,” Mini tells her. “It looks like she’s been gang-raped by clowns! What about that gorge dress I got you?” Frankie says it’s not right. Mini wants to know why not.
Although Franky’s pain isn’t even slightly obfuscated by her anger, she’s a feisty little firecracker of a girl and that’s something — it’s like confidence without being confident.
We’re meant to understand that Franky’s been bullied a lot at her old school, but Skins skips the “thank god I got a makeover and can be popular now” trope in favor of something slightly more inspiring: despite everything, despite Mini humiliating Franky in front of the school by pulling up photos from from the facebook-esque site started by Franky’s ex-classmates to shit all over her, despite a lifetime of moments like that one, Franky decides, ultimately, to attend the party, and to do so in the clothes that make her feel comfortable.
But first she stops in a field to smoke a joint in a trenchcoat and shoot a pistol into the prairie, where a mysterious boy finds her and tells her she’s beautiful. I don’t know, it’s Skins. He might just be a figment of her imagination, we’re not sure yet.
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Of course Mini is furious at Franky for arriving, especially dressed like THAT. Mini is the Queen of the party and doesn’t appreciate this deviant crasher. “Look at you just standing there like –” Mini begins, but Franky interrupts:
Yeah, nice try. She’s heard all that before. When you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose after all, and Mini’s response is fear, mostly. I mean, Mini is vulnerable too, but she covers it up by being mean. Franky is vulnerable but she’s sure-footed in her vulnerability. That’s scary.
Although lesbian slurs are thrust constantly at Franky, she doesn’t confirm or deny anything; when she meets the mystery boy in the field, however, there is a heightened romantic energy not felt in her other scenes. In later episodes, there’s some tension with [SPOILER ALERT] (Mini), but it’s really hard to say and regardless, doesn’t seem pressing thus far.
When Rich and Alo turn to Franky for advice on how to talk to girls (because she’s “like a girl, but not like a girl”) in the second episode, Franky tells them: “I don’t know anything about girls either. I don’t have a Mum or a sister; my experience of girls is mostly being beaten up by them.”
Ultimately one of the most fascinating and progressive aspects of the term “genderqueer” is that it provides a whole swath of previously “undefined” people with a word they can use to describe themselves, which they must do because it makes other people feel safe. Perhaps the labeled person wants also to feel like a Thing, everybody wants to be a Thing.
But at the same time, the word itself evades any definitively consequential definition. It’s kinda rad, really — it’s like a loophole and also a big room for people to run around in. It’s a word for what some people are, but that word offers a lot of room for said people to figure out exactly who they are (or aren’t). I can’t imagine a better thing for a teenager to see than this on their television.
Franky’s episode ends when, after being rejected by Mini; Franky, Rich, Alo and Grace ditch the party in favor of a much better time — some random abandoned swimming pool. It made me think of this song I really like by a band my high school friends were in, called White Flowers.
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Flashpapr – white flowers |  |
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Found at white flowers on KOhit.net |  |
It’s all about being young and in your underpants, I think, going “over the fence of the senior’s complex to their swimming pool, the perfect view of the night shining bright,” which is maybe a place to start when you’re still small and splashing around, trying to find a place to float.
Skins finds new stories to tell, and the fact that they thought of this one before any angry human demanded representation is perhaps one of the most admirable things this show has ever attempted to do. The space has been queered, ladies and genetleman and otherwise-identified human persons; the water’s warm, dive in.
Skins US Episode 102 Recap: Tea is a Lesbian Who Likes To Kiss Girls
This week we watched an entire thirteen minutes and forty-seven seconds of Skins before turning to drugs, which means everything the Parents Television Council was worried about is true.
aboutskins.tumblr.com
Without a doubt, however, the most unrealistic aspect of this week’s episode is that on a random weeknight, there just-so-happens to be a hoppin’ lesbian club night that lets in 16-year olds within walking/bussing distance of Tea’s house. I mean they take ten busses and a hydroplane to get to school and it’s only a hop/skip/jump to pussy palace?
We open in Lesbian Cruising Spot #1 — NOT THE PLANET THE PLANET ISN’T REAL — History class! Is this what happens in high school these days, children? Is it?
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Tea invites Betty to join her at Lesbian Club Night in Fantasyland via mysterious table-dropped note which reads “Northern Soul.”
Tea roars sexily through her busybusy life, surrounded by noise and chaos, eventually escaping into the dear refuge of her bedroom where we can watch her undress and check out her literary tattoo:
via fyeahteamarvelli.tumblr.com
Tea’s got her lesbo-jeans, lesbo-shoes and GLITTER SHIRT on, as well as a giant coat that is not fucking around. IT’S TIME TO MEET THE LADIES
But This ID Says “Maxxie Oliver”?
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No lesbian bar would ever be named Northern Soul, it would be named “Lick” or something. Which is the name of an actual lesbian bar in Vancouver. This is how we prevent anyone wandering into Meow Mix looking for Monday Night Football or e-harmony speed-dating.
Tea’s confident and demurely plucky, like a girl with a lot going on in her head and no suitable receptacle for her feelings. Thus she saunters confidently towards the Lordess of the Dance.
Someone Get That Girl a Blog
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Also? Tea’s got this little dance she does that makes you want to cuddlefuck the hell out of her glittershirt and Chucks.
Betty, dressed like her namesake from the Archie comic books, arrives, as promised…
I See What You’re Doing With That Bra and That Tank Top And I Like It
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Before long, Tea and Betty begin Lesbian Kissing each other in a way that suggests they will soon be Lesbian Vadgeblasting. Get your gas mask on, the apocalypse is nigh.
Betty, just like Showtime, has NO LIMITS and before long she’s back at Tea’s casa, clam-diving in what could not possibly be A DARKER ROOM UNSUITABLE FOR SCREENSHOTS.
According to our chart…
Yes. They had sex.
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This was not Palex sex…
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…or Spashley sex…
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…or Emya sex…
I mean, people definitely went down on each other. Just saying.
Already sleeping naked together, at such a young age.
The next morning Betty puts that godawful dress back on and trods downstairs into the madhouse that is Tea’s family, which is when we meet NANA THE SURPRISE STAR OF THE SHOW:
As Betty’s being awkwardly introduced and spoken to by everyone in the room because Tea’s Dad knows her boyfriend or something, suddenly, Tea’s brother calls out LOOK IT’S THE LESBIAN…
…and Mom says we can’t use that word here you know how Grandma hates it and the Dad says what word and Mom says “The L Word” and who can’t relate to that, right? I mean, who killed Jenny = so dumb.
The one in leather or the one in plaid, you decide
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But they’re talking about Daisy, who’s not a lesbian. She doesn’t even have a personality yet, let alone a sexuality. Duh.
Dad jokes that Tea is very “open-minded” and Daisy wonders out loud if Tea will ever tell her family that Daisy isn’t the fingerblaster here. Then Betty has her requisite morning-after freakout —
Betty: “So look, I don’t want — you better not tell anyone about — just — DON’T.”
Daisy: “Uh, you might wanna work out an explanation for those hickeys, though.”
Betty: “Shit, Bobby’s gonna — SHIT. I’ll see you.”
Tea: “Sure.”
[Tea leans in to kiss her]
Betty: “DON’T. For Chrissakes.”
Tea: “Scaredy cat.”
Tea describes her night of passion to Daisy as ‘alright’ with ‘a lot of licking.’ How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop/Tea’s heart? Time will tell!
Oh but first it’s time for our morning commute!
It’s another leisurely morning in RandomeasterncitymaybeBaltimore, where the children appreciate the morning light, have 2-3 feelings, ride the bus, get some bacon & eggs, and then wander into school just in time for lunch.
Hey Did You Get That at Kohl’s Back to School Sale? I Love Pencils!
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Abbud needs to stop it with this OMG SEX thing. It worked when Dev Patel did it, because that dude is a good actor and I believe his lines were slightly better, but this guy is just irritating. Nice hoodie, though.
Ah, lunch. Such a pivotal time in the life of a young person. Lunch brings out the child in all of us, apparently, the child who can’t eat a chocolate bar without smearing it all over his face…
… the child who is so fascinated by FRENCH KISSES WITH TONGUE that when Michelle & Tony play a bit of tonsil hockey, the world must cease as the children stare on in wonderment, offering a verbal play-by-play…
… the child who is so nervous to use the word “sex” that he says “making monkey” instead …
… the child who is so titillated by saying the word “breasts” that it must be repeated, multiple times, slightly different but no less exciting every time, just like the idea of the cheerleader showing everyone her boobs at halftime, which I think counts as child pornography.
But back in grown-up land, SOMEBODY HAS FEELINGS and is sharing those feelings with Tea via eye contact.
I’m putting my money on “credits Tea with her lesbian awakening, falls in love with her”
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I Know This Mini-Bar
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Tea chases lunch with a mini-bottle of vodka but luckily evades an open container law as she lives in no-mans land. I mean that could totally just be a mini-bottle of clear Tabasco sauce or some kind of lesbian witch potion. OH LOOK WHO IT IS —
Look Me in the Eyes And Tell Me You Didn’t Find My Little Debbie Dress Attractive
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Betty: “Hey–”
Tea: “Oh–”
Betty: “I was thinking–”
Tea: “Betty. We had sex. But I’m not really looking for anything else.”
Betty: “Why not?”
Tea: “Somebody mentioned a boyfriend? What’s that for, show?”
Betty: “I have to have a boyfriend.”
Liquid Courage In Action
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Tea: “Sounds like pretending to me, and that’s bad stuff I have to avoid. And I don’t want a relationship.”
Betty: “Why’s that?”
Tea: “Because nobody matches up to me.”
Betty: “You’re just an arrogant bitch really, aren’t you?”
Tea: “Sorry, scaredy cat.”
Tea’s family is playing “who can talk the loudest” and at first we think Tea’s going to come out while everyone talks, like when Bette told Jodi that she slept with Tina (or something like that, I can’t remember) and Jodi couldn’t hear her which was like, really mean but also weird, but no instead Tea yells for everyone to be quiet and everyone is for about a minute and then chaos re-erupts.
Nana notes, “What’s the difference in Arkansas, it’s a skill! Mazel Tov!” Word.
Breakfast in Bed at Tiffany’s
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Tea’s getting intimate with Audrey Hepburn in her dreams when Nana strolls in, which would be embarrassing if Nana didn’t think she was walking into a Nuremberg Rally.
Blair Waldorf (at least in the books, IDK re: the TV show) Also Loves Audrey Hepburn, Maybe They Should Bang
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Probs Nana is thinking, “Audrey Hepburn sure is looking lovely these days.” She calls Tea “Ruthie” and says she doesn’t want her marrying that boy. Tea figures this would be a good time to bounce her private ideas off somebody who has a lot of love but not a lot of memory.
Tea: “Something’s wrong with me Nana. I want the sex but the girls I sleep with? Bore me. They’re catty and clingy and I dunno — it never feels like enough. Is it too much to ask for someone to be interesting? I just wanna feel equal.”
And I Said, What About Breakfast at Tiffanys and She Said “I Think I Remember the Film”
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Two thumbs up for the “gay AND.” As in: she’s not a one-note lady for whom navigating homosexuality is the only issue. ‘Cause it ain’t — relationships are complicated & confusing regardless of gender, and by often watering down teevee homo plots to “Gay” being enough to ride a character, writers really shortchange us. So Big Up to Brian.
Skins US Mini-Recap 101: Tony Parks His Car in MTV’s Garage
On Monday January 17th, the United States of America’s Very Own Skins television program premiered on MTV, the network responsible for I Want a Famous Face and My Super Sweet 16, but also for My So-Called Life re-runs and True Life: I’m Addicted to Plastic Surgery.
Awakening this morning from their innocent teenaged slumber, fans all over the world were relieved to discover that the premiere of Skins MTV did not, in fact, result in the spontaneous combustion and irreversible corruption of the original Skins. The original is still available on Netflix, at your local video retailer and via a number of online video stores.
I watched Skins MTV with a Canadian who’s never seen Skins before, and after an informal poll of 3-4 of my friends and a few kids on formspring, I’ve determined that she and I were the only ones who enjoyed last night’s episode of Skins. She also correctly identified Toronto as the filming location and didn’t believe me that Tony wasn’t gay, so. I mean I have a few questions for the guy who plays Tony.
Here’s the emails I had in my inbox this morning:
Televisionary Carly: “I only watched the UK version this past weekend — I’m a bit behind on pop culture, as evidenced by the fact that i also watched the girl with the dragon tattoo & whatever the 2nd one is called yesterday — so it’s still fresh in my mind. This US version is a joke right? There was no charm or… anything! I also felt even pervier watching the US one than I ever felt watching the UK one (I’m about halfway through season 2 on the UK one at the moment). It was just missing something. I will keep watching because of the lesbian and because I have an uncanny ability to withstand large quantities of teen programming without faltering.”
Crystal: “I really really wanted to like it, but I didn’t. I thought for the most part the acting and the dialogue were horrible, it was like a cheesy British pantomime based on the original version. They even beeped out the swearing, for fuckssake. I was hoping that if it wasn’t going to be amazing then it’d at least be terrible/amazing, like Rizzoli & Isles or Home & Away. But no, it’s just terrible.
I thought Tea and whoever plays the new Jal were good, on the bright side. But the US Effy broke my heart. Overall I think I’d hate still it even if I didn’t have anything to compare it to, you know?”
We’ll do a real recap next week because IT’S THE LESBIAN EPISODE, but for this week lets just go over the main plot points and major feelings.
1. What the Eff
We open with Eura/Effy, who apparently has been up all night dumpster diving, shooting heroin into her lips and rubbing her eyeballs in a vat of liquid liner. Also Taylor Momsen called, and she wants her look back.
I wish I could find a better Taylor Momsen photo for this comparison, I know it exists
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2. The Long-Distance Talker
The young rascals of Baltimore awaken on what I believe is a school day. Michelle is taking a nice leisurely bubble bath, as we so often have time to do before 6:30 AM Social Studies, Daisy is blowing her horn, and Stanley apparently was masturbating earlier by looking at several pornography magazines at the same time. It’s an ADD thing. Kids these days!
I hope none of Tony’s friends have the same commute Tony does because they’re all going to be late. He took more busses, sidewalks, streets and alleys than poor New York underemployed hipsters take to get to the JFK airport on a Saturday. (It’s a lot). This show is set in Baltimore so I imagine he’s attending school in the Virginia area.
The impetus of today’s episode is that it’s Stanley’s birthday and Tony wants to get him laid. I didn’t like this plot in the original and I didn’t like it this time, either!
BUT OH THE GLORY OF THIS…
Becoming this:
Abbud: “Me and Chris promised we’d go to Tea’s Big Gay Lezorama Night.”
Tony: “Is Chris gay?”
Abbud: “No.”
Tony: “Are you gay?”
Abbud: “No. It’s girl-on-girl man, it’s like live porn. And Chris says we can probably convert them and then it’d be like girl on girl on dudes.”
The other plotline I loathed from Skins UK — partially out of disbelief, partially out of ‘why the fuck who cares this doesn’t really matter’ and partially out of sorrow for so much weed being wasted — is repeated in this pilot episode: the drug deal.
Tony suggests that Stanley acquire $900 of marijuana from a scary-looking drug dealer, which Tony is certain they’ll sell at a party later on that night.
This seems so much more difficult than just smoking a bowl, I have no idea.
Is there anything about that image that appeals to any of your senses? Me neither.
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3. Tea Party
via skinsuscaps.tumblr.com
When Tony rings Tea, she’s in the middle of cheerleading practice. Already like five stereotypes have dissolved into the warm sweaty air of the high school gymnasium in which an un-apologetically gay lady hops, jumps and shows off her abs while chatting on her bluetooth device.
Tony: Forget the big gay night out Tea, we need you.
Tea: Sorry, promised Chris and Abb I’d take them on a voyage of wonder and discovery.
Tea is going to carry the show and then lesbians will get equal rights.
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4. Cold for Teacher
We then visit a high school classroom lead by a teacher who will almost definitely have an affair with Chris, and hopefully also show us her boobs. Daisy is reading a handout about depression, because subtext is tedious.
Who is this actress/character. I think she wandered in off a Season Five episode of Saved by the Bell and Slater’s gonna offer to carry her books and Jessie’s gonna get real jealous and feministy on him.
There was clearly an error which I’ve taken the liberty of correcting:
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5. LEZORAMA BANANA WHAMMA WHAMMA DING DONG
All of the best quotes were about Lezorama.
Tea: Who’s telling him we’re not going to his lame-ass Gossip Girl party?
Later that night, Tea & Daisy & Abbud & Chris head over to the rich girl’s party Tony got them all invited to via one girl from a nearby prep school who has a crush on him. The rich girl talks like a psychotic illiterate bunny, I don’t even know. Why oh why did they leave Lezorama?
Abbud: Well that’s the last Lezorama I ever go to, it sucked.
Tea: Quit moaning.
Abbud:They don’t even look at you, it’s like you don’t exist. And to top it off they don’t even make out like proper lesbians!
Tea: Proper lesbians?
Abbud: Yeah, like in films right, when they [something] a man for 60 miles, and foxy foxes gotta make do? That’s real lesbians!
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6. Team Party Crash
The highlight of this week’s episode, in my humble and clearly unpopular opinion, was the party-crash.
The comradary between characters was palpable and believable, and class consciousness was made apparent in a way I never noticed in the original (which could just be ’cause I’m from the US). You know that accidentally beautiful girl in the blue hoodie watching the monied blonde glamourpuss try to steal her man. You know the misfits who know how to dance and they sex/drug it up and everyone is horrified and it’s lovely.
When the Blonde Dumb Girl screams “too Urban! Too Urban!” it’s ON, and the whole crew jumps into action with their streetsmarts. This viscious catfight gives Tea an opportunity to punch someone in the face while wearing a leather jacket.
7. Cadie
This is all we have to work with so far:
So you know. Who the fuck knows.
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In conclusion, if I judged every show by its pilot… actually to be honest I wasn’t crazy about the first episode of First Gen Skins UK, either. But next week looks fucking kickass.
Even in this muted, occasionally imperfect episode — I still felt, at times, that I know these kids better than I’ve known the kids on any other American high school TV shows. Watered-down Skins UK is still more authentic than South of Nowhere or anything appropriate for network television.
This is owed in part to the age-appropriate casting, a technique also employed by the creators of Canadian teenaged tv program Degrassi. See, other shows have REALLY OLD ACTORS. Bianca Lawson, who plays Maya on Pretty Little Liars, is 32. Luke Perry was 24 when he played 16-year-old Dylan McKay on 90210. Cory Monteith and Mark Salling, who play high school students in Glee, are both 28. But the Skins kids are all in their teens.
I was these kids. High school is a battlefield for your heart in which only two major cliques are immune from social judgment/torement/excursion (and instead subjected to their own in-crowd destruction and other personal problems) — the popular athletic disproportionately attractive rich kids and the popular drug-indulgent badass kids who don’t give a fuck and somehow end up being cute/hot in an alternative/unexpected way. This is high school told from the fuckups point of view, and to be honest, where else do we ever see that? High school TV seems obsessed with rich, traditionally popular and incredibly good looking — or else, occassionally, the geek’s POV. But the fuckups usually don’t get their own show.
I think Skins UK is so raw that it’s spoiled us, we forget what the world was like when it was fully populated by Dawson and his creek and also by the fine young children of Beverly Hills, The O.C. and the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
What did you think?
Skins Episode 408 Recap: “Everyone is F*cked Except Naomi & Emily”
by riese & crystal
[thanks to skinsftw for many of these graphics]
Episode 408: In which Riese & Crystal wished we’d just stuck to recapping the Naomi & Emily parts, b/c then this episode would’ve been a hands-down winner!
If you haven’t seen the episode, you might want to skip this opening bit and come back to it after reading the recap. SPOILER ALERT! I just want to get this out before the recap because I really like almost everything about this show, enjoyed a great deal of this episode & adore its loyalty to homos. But first must scream.
Skins, Episode 407/408: Let’s get this out of the way straight off — what an oddly unsatisfying, amateurish & irresponsible ending! Like 2009’s L Word finale and the “Who Killed Jenny” plotline that dominated their final season, Skins ended on a haphazard bang, wasting its last minutes on a purposeless undiscovered-murder plot. Furthermore, said murder didn’t do anything to serve the rest of the story either; with the majority of the gang not even aware that Freddie’s dead, we didn’t even get flashbacks or a “brought together by common tragedy to realize what’s truly important, like rainbows and love and education” moment.
This is particularly disappointing because we’ve always trusted Skins. Why? ‘Cause Skins has always dared to portray a misunderstood demographic (teenagers) (just as TLW did for lesbians) as teenagers truly are, not as moralistic teen-soap-writers want them to be. This means Skins can be harsh about adults whereas other shows prefer adults to be well-meaning role models (excessively at times); Skins’ parents & leaders never have the answers. They’re obscenely clumsy, solipistic, hypocritical, one-dimensional and morally ambiguous. That’s rare in a show and these unsparing portraits quickly earned the trust of its young viewers –– Skins understands that parents & teachers just don’t understand sometimes.
Yes, Skins has created one of television’s most authentic adolescent worlds. Its characters can get so ugly while remaining honest and redemptive. The consequences of reckless living are relate-able; because unlike traditional Badass Kids Clichès and their corresponding Very Special Episodes from Dawson’s Creek or 90210, every fuck didn’t lead to pregnancy and every joint didn’t lead to heroin addiction. Naomi & Emily’s lesbian relationship completely eschewed traditional Lesbian Relationship Clichès. That’s never been done before. More like an indie film than a TV drama, we relate to Skins’s portrayal of the more typical repurcusions of teenage drugging, drinking, sexing, class-skipping and fist-fighting — the parts where we fall in love, make new friends, lose friends, fight, cry, and face terrifying moments of self-reckoning.
Did Freddie’s murder betray those established no-life-threatening-consequences rules of Skins-ville? No, it didn’t. But what the authors neglected to consider is that we appreciate Skins‘ matter-of-fact depiction of adolescence because it is true, not just because it’s different, fun, titilating or enables us to rationalize our own bad behavior. It is different, titilating and edgy, but ultimately it’s the honesty that hooks us; it’s the honesty that makes the difference work. Freddie’s murder wasn’t honest and so it feels like a lie from a friend we always trusted.
There were plenty of ways for Skins kids to die: first-fights, drug overdoses, a giant rock to the head. And perhaps because Skins specifically wanted to avoid a Message show but apparently really wanted to kill someone, they invented John T. Foster. But really Skins? Of all the drug-pushers on this show, it’s the two-episode licensed psychiatrist who turns out motivated by evil?
Not only did Skins‘ final episodes, like The L Word‘s, deny us a plethora of unexplored but juicy stories not yet told, but both dealt with mental illness in a surprisingly reckless fashion. In The L Word, Jenny Schecter, a bipolar rape victim who’d delt with coming out, being estranged from her family and self-mutilation, loses nuance in favor of a one-dimensional murder-ready cliche and suddenly all of her friends become potential killers? [More on that here] Effy, also bipolar, self-medicates with drugs and alcohol, completely loses her mind, and is finally seeking professional help for her illness. Mixing MDMA, cocaine, weed, alcohol and mushrooms doesn’t kill anyone (which is fine), but taking prescribed medication while on a path to permanent wellness leads to the death of your true love (which is not)?
What an irresponsible message to send, ultimately, about a very serious issue, and one lots of druggie kids can relate to as self-medicating is so prevalent among mentally ill undiagnosed teenagers. And fine, fine, fine, Skins doesn’t have to be responsible. But we know that it can be — it usually is!
So why do this? What was the point? How irresponsible of the writers, much like Ilene, to make mental illness the impetus for murder and so unnecessarily so. How disappointing. By seeking treatment and health, Effy caused the death of her boyfriend, and Jenny’s “craziness” eventually became a punchline.
That being said, this might be the first time in human history that at the story’s end, everyone’s life is shit except for the lesbians’ and the black guy’s.
Maniac Magee
The final episode starts off uplifting: the sun’s shining, birds are singing and Thomas is feeling the leaves of the trees and feeling grateful that unlike some of his peers, he’s alive.
Then he starts running! Like the wind! Probs to escape his troubles with endorphins, or perhaps to run off the set of this show like we’d do. I didn’t think kids in Bristol ran unless it was after someone who’d stolen their MDMA or because their girlfriend cheated on them with Cook and everyone was hallucinating in the forest.
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Hello Irrelevant New Finale Character #1! My, you’re Flexible!
Like Thomas, Cook’s found a way to get fit and get rid of his emotional pain.
Meanwhile…
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Don’t Get In Over Your Head
Emily is woken up by Cook’s screwing and OMG IS THAT MANDY? There’s liquor bottles everywhere and it would be easier for us to all blame the booze but let’s face it, Emily all but admitted she wanted to jump Mandy’s bones. Where are they? Is that Naomi’s place?
Smells Like Teen Spirit
She smells her fingers to see what she did last night, which is the second-best moment of this episode. Although with the level of unlucky circumstances swirling about this episode, I wouldn’t be surprised here if she was sniffing bacterial vaginosis.
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Eye of the Tiger
Thomas is jogging his broken heart out and ends up at the athletics track. Seeing as nightclub promoting and academia didn’t exactly work for Tom-Tom, he’s gonna win Pandora back like Forrest Gump meets Let’s Get Fitched. His speed catches the attention of a coach who’s trying to train a white man who can’t jump or run.
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ANTHRAX
Freddie’s sister Karen receives a postcard in the mail but she’s skeptical, his rucksack is in the corner of the room empty and we all know he’d never leave home without his hair straightener and overnight lip conditioner. Is that even Freddie’s handwriting? She puts on Freddie’s favourite tshirt which is a shame and starts talking to Ghost Freddie.
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Girl’s Relationship, Rudely Interrupted
Katie’s spent the night at the psych ward, Effy’s room’s massive by anyone’s standard so it’s probs better than the caravan park. I really do enjoy Katie’s post-bankruptcy personality, showing such support and concern for a girl who once tried to kill her and is now dating her dead ex-boyfriend really does encapsulate the true meaning of ‘bigger person’. Effy’s waiting for someone who will likely never show.
Katie: Anything?
Effy: Only in my head. Talking in my head.
Katie: What’s old Freds saying?
Effy: He’s saying they’re all fucking mad.
I wish I had a dead guy in my head and every time someone pissed me off I’d be like “Hey, old Freds says you need to stop stealing my tampons.”
This is What Would Happen if Gay Marriage Was Legalized, People Would Marry Bouncy Balls
Pandora, who we know is attracted to balls and things that bounce, has joined the group for undetermined reasons. She’s just as barmy as the other mad people really, but not in that certified way.
Panda breaks from the group and bounds through Effy’s window like an enthusiastic little pup. Remember these good times ’cause they’ll need to get you through the next 30 minutes.
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I can’t untangle, I can’t untangle
What I feel and what would matter most
Yup, it is Naomi’s place! Naomi bounds into the bedroom with eggs and Red Bull (home-cooked breakfast of champions) and suddenly sees that she should’ve prepared for three.
She doesn’t notice Mandy at first which makes my stomach hurt, but then a fearful Emily nods Mandy’s way.
Naomi: Has she been like that all night?
Emily: Wot?
Naomi: You were both so fucking trashed, so I slept on the couch with Panda. [about Mandy] She’s quite cute… for a straight girl.
Whoa Naomi is doing normal gay-talk thing! They haven’t done much gayspeak on this show; which has worked to make it seem just like any relationship, but it’s cute to hear it.
Built a Wall of Human Being Between Us in Your Bed
Since it’s Naomi’s bed and Naomi’s rules, she has the right to check out the naked girl sleeping in it. Naomi in this episode really amps up the personality; even in her depression we see more of her edge and bitter sense of humor than we have previously this season.
Naomi: Wow, in the scud? When did that happen?
Emily: I didn’t notice.
Naomi: Good thing, you might have been tempted.
Emily: I was wrecked.
Naomi: Yeah, you were both pissing gone. Like I said, cute. Is this bad?
Okay Skins, Crystal has two things:
1. Really?
2. Isn’t it too soon to be joking about temptation? Or having a total perv at your girlfriend’s friend’s naked body and then joking about that too?
Naomi changes the subject back to eggs and jokes about doing Emily and really every second of this scene is like a fork getting slowly poked into my eyeball.
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IF You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out
Back at the hospital, Pandora is about to sing Effy a song she wrote for her and unfortunately it is not “Where Did the Good (Freds) Go.” Effy pulls out the maracas from the imaginary musical instrument bank they keep in hospital rooms (??) and some sort of electronic music device that’s probably all the rage with the kids but sounds worse than a Casio. Pandora gets off to a rough start, shouting “fuck me up the ass three ways” and other vulgarities until Katie reprimands her.
The song, “Don’t Be Down,” needs to be seen (you can read the lyrics here).
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As this scene played out, we all checked to see if we were on MDMA or if this is really happening. Pretty sure it’s what the people call, “terrible/awesome.”
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REDRUM
John T. Foster watches from the sidelines, looking like a psycho killer. Hahaha that’s perfect ’cause he totally IS a psycho killer! HAHAHAHA! Psycho killers. Oh boy. Har.
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Thank You For Spending One Minute Of These Precious Remaining Minutes of Skins Cycle 2 on Farting
Oh hey, let’s pretend like the gross toilet sounds aren’t happening as Naomi gives Cook a hard time about his new lady-friend. Cook tells Naomi it’s a sign he’s moved on from Effy and SPEAK OF THE ANGEL; the door opens and out comes Effy!
Oh wait JK.
The Poor Man’s Effy
Nope, that’s just a girl who looks exactly like Effy minus the mystery, complication, and dead boyfriend. For Effy’s sake, I hope there’s a boy in Bristol who looks just like Freddie. I suppose if Naomi & Emily break up, Katie will be right there in the wings, waiting to be forcibly converted to the lesbian side.
Effy’s doppleganger’s name is Arcia which is funny ’cause it has the sound “arse” in it when said out loud. Naomi repeats it several times, which is probs the same reaction she had when she got this page of the script, minus the “Really? This is what we’re spending time on?”
We’re only eight minutes in and I think this episode has made me LOL twice so far, which is a 200% improvement on previous eps. I’m not sure if Skins trying to redeem themselves, or if they’re just lulling us into a false sense of security and light-heartedness before the Massacre of the Unicorns.
Arcia sits on Cook’s lap and calls him “lover” and “studman” and “my little criminal” and ew. Just ew. So are they all living at Naomi’s house now? Why isn’t anyone trying to call Freddie?
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I’ll Get You, My Pretty
When John T. Foster finds Effy mourning a photo of Freddie’s pretty face (there’s a lot of photo-love in this show), he gives her a talk about how hard moving on can be, clearly he knows, he’s stuck with those cardigans since the mid-1800s.
John tells Effy he’ll be moving on from the hospital. He was going to leave sooner but that was before he realized that the alleged friends & lovers of the boy he murdered with a baseball bat weren’t going to actually do anything about their missing friend. So he had a little more time than anticipated. John’s gotta get a head start across the border, yannow.
So basically John killed Freddie, and now he’s leaving? Why? Didn’t he kill Freddie to get closer to Effy? That’s so senseless! I HATE YOU SHOW. FUCK YOU SHOW!
Also um… suddenly Effy is warmed to John again?
Does anyone remember how seconds before John killed Freddie, he revealed that Effy and Mrs Stonem banned him from treating Effy? What happened there? Did Freddie send Mrs Stonem a postcard too? Having different writers for different episodes is a great idea but it’s really only effective if they talk to each other.
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I Want a Little More For Me
Emily walks into Naomi’s bedroom wearing nothing but a towel. Emily’s faced with a tough decision, do you go for the girl passed out in your bed or the girl in the kitchen making you eggs.
Oh wait, Mandy’s been awake this whole time. She’s upset because Emily led her to believe that she was no longer sleeping with Naomi. Emily’s in denial.
Emily: Mandy we haven’t done anything, so I don’t know why… we didn’t do anything last night. Didn’t we?
Mandy: You wanted to… if you hadn’t been totally fucking AWOL.
Emily: No.. I didn’t —
Mandy: Yeah? Otherwise, what have we been doing? What have you been doing? She thinks I’m straight!
Emily: What?
Mandy: She said it while she was looking at my tits, didn’t she? It’s a bit fucked up, that. I don’t want to be fucked around Emily, just because she won’t take you to Goa.
Sidenote Her Tits Are At Emily’s Eye Level
Mandy leans in to kiss Emily, and when Emily doesn’t kiss back she protests that she’d take Emily to Goa.
Mandy: “We’d go dancing, sleep in a hut, I’d make love to you on the beach. Isn’t that you want?”
I think she’s confusing “what Emily wants” with “what ladies want in romance novels want.” Basically what’s happening here is that Mandy is Fabio.
Emily is saved by the breakfast bell, the eggs are ready. I have so many questions! When did Naomi decide to go to Goa? And why isn’t she taking Emily? This episode has more holes in it than Freddie’s skull.
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Skins Recap Episode 407: Effy’s Spotless Mind
by riese & crystal
Wow so, Skins! What fun! Crystal & Riese both really enjoyed this episode, especially the twist at the end! It was so twisty, like a wedge of lemon/lime in your Diet Coke, you know? JK, I hate Diet Coke. There’s other things I hate too but we’ll get to that.
First Riese wants to tell you a story: I had a pair of jeans that were too short on me after being slaughtered by the evil laundry people of East 115th Street in New York, New York. So I had an idea — what if I cut off the bottoms of the pants and turned them into shorts? So I did. These trousers had a great run as pants, and they were equally adept to their new role as “shorts.” Shorts and pants are both great things (though admittedly, we prefer girls in shorts). That’s just an example of how to reuse something in a positive, proactive way. I just wanted to share. Are you ready for the recap?
[again; feature graphic and all multi-photo graphics snatched from skinsftw, a fantastic tumblr you should follow.]
Skins Episode 407 Recap: Effy’s Vicious Cycle
One Flew Over the Cookoo’s Nest
A seemingly lucid Effy is living at the psych institution, the kind of place that’s built out of mahogany and the residents do art therapy and hit each other with foam paddles as “healthy anger expression.” Is this how it really is in Britain? Because the mental hospitals in the US available to commonfolk with regular health insurance have linoleum floors, one television, a ping-pong table, a stack of James Patterson books, terrible food, hideous lighting, and no real activities besides fighting with your doctor about when you can get the hell out of the place ’cause it’s making you crazy.
Effy’s new psychiatrist, John T. Foster, is trying to get her to open up about her older brother Tony (from series 1 & 2), who almost died when he got hit by a bus. Effy would rather talk about poetry competitions, unicorns and rainbows, but John isn’t interested in the happy stuff. It’s hard to manipulate someone when they’re happy, duh
Sooo… this is awkward
I actually think I’m going to have a hard time getting over how nice this place is, she’s even allowed to go outside whenever she wants! I wanna go crazy in Bristol! Things at the psych ward are uneventful, Effy just wanders the halls in a dressing gown and reads the Demon Headmaster. Mrs. Stonem sort of sits there quietly as well.
I Wish My Man Wore Old Spice
Mrs Stomen brings Effy one of Freddie’s cardigans by mistake, kid’s fashion is so unisex these days. Effy wants to keep it though, she can huff the MDMA vapour right outta that cotton.
Let Me Make You an Offer You Aren’t Legally Entitled to Refuse
After three weeks, Effy has decided to open up to John T Foster about her brother, she probably realises it’s the only way to blow that crazy pop stand. She recounts the moment that Tony got hit and how he lay in the gutter bleeding and she thought he was dead.
So many painful memories rising to the surface like a dolphin in the ocean but don’t fear, John T. Foster knows exactly to cure them.
John: I want us to try something now. I want you to close your eyes again and imagine that the bus never hit Tony. Can you do that for me?
Effy: It did hit him –
John: It’s just an exercise. Try to imagine it never happened.
I tried to do that with the baby shower episode of The L Word Season Six but so far no dice, I am haunted by Max in the Willy Wonka suit.
But uh, isn’t that a few steps backwards? Like back into “denial” rather than “acceptance”? What’s this guy trying to do? Make her vulnerable and split-open and terrible miserable sad?
Oh who cares THE LESBIAN IS HERE!
This Reminds me of a Cialis Commercial for Some Reason
Naomi visits Effy at the hospital and she’s all like “Hi Effy! How are you!? How’s that sanity thing going?” JK, she starts unloading about her & Emily, thank the lord, as we’ve been whet with curiosity.
Naomi: I just don’t know what we’re doing, if we’re okay or if we’re going to break up. Sometimes I think she can read my mind, I seriously do. I mean is that normal… Eff?
Effy: You mean, are you going mad? So you came to see me to see what a mad person looks like?
Naomi: No! No. No. … Yes.
Effy starts telling her to pass on a message to the Dog Lord. I’d like her to pass on a message to the writers that I’m not buying this scene, I mean Naomi genuinely thinks she could be mad because it’s like Emily can read her mind? Really?
Imagine There’s No Sophia, It Isn’t Hard to Do
But the one thing Naomi is good for in this scene is telling Effy that denial is a bad idea.
Effy: This whole thing with this girl, Sophia. Why don’t you just imagine it never happened?
Naomi: But it did.
Effy: Yeah. But if you tried to pretend like you didn’t…
Naomi: Am I missing something? You can’t change what’s already happened. I wish you could, but you just can’t.
Thank you Naomi.
And This is the Part Where You Give me Reese’s Pieces
Now instead of using her counseling sessions to talk about real problems, Effy just recounts scenes from ET. If you haven’t seen the episode and just read our recaps, you should know that this isn’t one of our jokes, this is really what’s happening here.
John T. Foster in his infinite wisdom tells Effy that she’s ready to go home. Effy doesn’t think so, but he assures her that if she sticks to a routine, continues to see him and lays off drinks and drugs then everything’s going to be hunky-fucking-dory. Unfortunately with her group of friends, that’s like just depositing her right into the pub.
Just Get Those Old Medical Records Off the Shelf
As soon as Effy leaves, John T Foster starts air-drumming and dancing to “Easy Lover.” Last time it was MJ, now Phil Collins… what’s with the comic relief via 80s pop references, Skins? It’s weird and ineffective, besides to show that all doctors are secretly Top 40 private dancers.
A Clean, Well-Lit Room
Effy’s home now, that was quick! Mrs Stonem has removed all signs of her delinquent & manic past such as the vodka bottles, wall of pain, crack pipes and Doc Martens. She also found Effy’s stuffed giraffe, Patto, which must’ve been thrown aside when she discovered underage sex & drugs. But sometimes a stuffed animal is all you’ve got!
She Forgot to Schedule a Little Time to Stop and Smell the Roses
Funny this used to be my daily schedule too.
Mrs Stonem has installed a white board so Effy can prepare a weekly timetable for her sleep and the suitcase of pills she bought home from the psych ward. If you paused the episode obsessively to see what they’re giving her, it looks like the middle bottle is Haloperidol, an anti-psychotic for severe schizophrenia, mania or other psychiatric disorders.
You Went Away? ‘Cause You Said That You Can’t Love Me?
The first thing Effy schedules in is some quality time with Freddie, who she probably hasn’t seen since he visited her in hospital and told him to go away. He’s speechless for a bit and then he’s excited ’cause she’s back! And sane! And still hot!
Freddie wants to know why she refused to see him and Effy explains that it was part of the treatment, under the guidance of her counsellor John.
Freddie: What did he do that was so special?
Effy: He took all of my bad memories and made them good.
Freddie: And some of those memories are about me right?
Effy: Only a few.
Well I Don’t Think We Have to Be Like This Forever
Freddie’s annoyed, he doesn’t like that he gave her bad memories or that she gave him the cold shoulder at the request of another dude. C’mon Freddie, stop being all mememe. I’d tell him to cut his fringe and grow a pair, but it’s not nice to speak ill of the dead.
Effy: I’m sorry.
Freddie: So those bad memories of me that you don’t like, you don’t feel them anymore?
Effy: No, they’re gone, he took them away. But you know what’s left? Love. All I feel for you now is love. Nothing else.
Not fair! Because guess who still has those bad memories? FREDDIE. Anyhoo…
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Effy tells Freddie that they’ll be okay; she says it over and over and you can’t really tell if she’s saying it to him or to herself. This is probably the first time that these kids have had said “I love you” and had sex when they’ve both been stone cold sober, which I think is a really big deal.
Pandora’s Outfit is Also in the Mood for Time Travel
Pandora phones Effy for a field trip to collect final exam results. They’re holding hands in the hallway and talking about how hopeless they are. It’s cute. Not Naomi-and-Emily cute, but cute. Remember Naomi & Emily? Good times.
There’s only one more episode left for them to make those kids live happily ever after, I’m starting to get anxious.
I Feel Like the Writers of Skins Had Really Messed Up Teachers
Effy’s psychotic break stopped her from taking the exams, so she’d like to retake. Professor Blood isn’t into that. See, thanks to Media Studies, every kid except Effy passed with at least a C, and rather than having to spend time watching her re-take when he could be listening to Elton John, Mr Blood dramatically destroys Effy’s failed grades in the shredder and give her a new, forged transcript that’s full of As. It’s good for funding, you know.
Effy: You want me to tell people that I got three As!?
Prof. Blood: In my experience, Ms Stonem, we are all living lies. Reality, as the sophists so elegantly informed us, is relative.
What I’m Saying Here is Monday, Tuesday – Happy Day. Wednesday, Thursday– Happy Day! You follow?
Effy takes her problem to John T. Foster, explaining that accepting these straight-A grades is like cheating at life. He reminds her that success and achievement is nothing compared to being happy and healthy. I guess that’s fine, unless you’re one of those weirdos who find happiness in success and achievement. I wonder if Mrs Stonem knows she’s paying for a “grades don’t matter” speech. Sidenote I thought it was just Americans who took happiness that seriously and so far it has been a total disaster.
Also a disaster? This doctor! He has broken like 50 rules of doctordom.
Yet No One Seems Much Smarter
The kids are having an exam results party at the pub, and they all stand up and read their grades out loud real quickly. Naomi gets straight As ’cause whatcha gonna do when your girlfriend won’t talk to you THAT’S RIGHT HOMEWORK and Thomas gets nothing because he got expelled.
Skins Recap Episode 406: JJ Wants Candy
by riese & crystal
Hi, welcome to the recap of Skins, which was not about Naomi or Emily today. Instead it was about JJ, who is tied with Aiden from South of Nowhere for the biggest-lesbian-in-the-body-of-a-straight-male award.
Once again, we’d like to thank the good people of SkinsFTW, because we snagged some of their graphics again because they are so much better than ours. You can download the episodes there if you wanna.
Episode 406: JJ
I’ll Take You To The Candy Shop
If you’re of the opinion that the Skins kids are all lazy delinquents who spend their days smoking MDMA and screwing chicks in the woods, you’d be forgiven but also mistaken. JJ’s a working man. He’s got himself a job at a candy store called Hancocks, which is a dream job for anyone who happens to be smoking the evil weed, which JJ is not.
One thing I really like about Skins is that it is very colorful.
I Said a Hip Hip Hop the Hippie to the Hippie
It’s really the perfect job for JJ ’cause he’s a total sweetheart who flirts with old ladies buying boiled heart-shaped candy for their gentleman callers.
Captain’s Log: JJ is Still Staring At Me
It’s also perfect for JJ because Hancocks is where his dream woman works. Her name is Lara. Lara doesn’t know JJ’s name, but everyone thinks JJ should go for it anyway. Her little booth and sullen personality reminds me of Zooey Deschenel as Cheryl in The Good Girl.
Attention Shoppers, There’s a Retail Rodeo Special
“As a girl, you see the world as a giant candy store. But one day you look around and all you see is a giant prison.” (Justine, The Good Girl)
Anyhow back to SKINS. JJ likes this girl.
Elderly customer: Hang in there JJ. My brother was in love with a girl during the war, and by the time he got up the courage to ask her out it was too late.
JJ: What happened?
Elderly customer: His face got blown up by a bomb.
Bam! No War for Oil!
We’re introduced to the Jones Family Routine.
1. JJ’s mother picks JJ up from work, and they have a mum and son sing-a-long to rap music that contains violence, graphic sexuality and racist themes. No wonder JJ has so much anxiety.
Rollin’ With my Mummies
2. Over dinner, Mrs. Jones quizzes JJ about the space-time continuum and Einstein’s theory of relativity while Mr Jones reads the paper. This is what Riese’s parents did to her as a child except with state capitals. Now she writes TV recaps. You do the math. Well, if you passed math.
Little Einstein
3. In bed, JJ lies in bed half-naked with his ukulele and records his diary entry, no doubt an instruction from his shrink. He calls it his “Captain’s Log” which reminds Crystal of Avatar except Skins is so much better than Avatar. It reminds Riese of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which, like Skins, was good.
Out of this World
Today, JJ is musing over his failure to make contact with “alien life forms,” and by that he means Lara. He’s probs not going to score if he continues comparing women to aliens, though that did work for Captain Picard. Anyhow, he decides he’ll speak to Lara tomorrow if she smiles at him. Good plan, they’ll be feeling each other up in no time.
Lara & The Bicycle She Lost Her Virginity To
JJ and Thomas, who also works at Hancocks, are fooling around on trolleys in the parking lot. Lara rides by on a bicycle and says “hello AJ,” which must sting; I think having your dream girl mess up your name is probably worse than her not knowing it at all.
Thomas: You’ve got to ask her out, cuz.
JJ: But.. but…
Thomas: Yeah, but she’s out of your league.
JJ: I mean, yes but…
Thomas: But you’ve only slept with one girl, and this person was a lesbian who felt sorry for you.
JJ: No! I mean, yes, but..
Thomas: But you have no hair on your balls.
Ew!
Who Can Take a Nutsack, and Sparkle it With Rhyme?
Thomas yells that he does have hairy balls, which he should probably take care of if he wants any more lesbians to give him beejers. He creeps out all the kids outside who’ve probs already been told to beware of the candyman. That’s how people end up on SVU. Well, or being an angry militant sexually aggressive lesbian-cum-bisexual.
Are Those Outer Space Pants B/C You’re Out of This World
It’s Groundhog Day, JJ is back in bed, naked and with his ukulele, telling the Captain’s log that he’s going to speak to Lara tomorrow, if she smiles.
No We Are Not the Token Gays, Promise
Thomas and JJ are rough-housing OH BOYYYSSS will be boys! Lara walks by and tells them that if they’ve got time to lean, they’ve got time to clean. She smiles, and it’s the smile JJ has been waiting for! Time to ask her out OH WAIT.
Aw You Told Me You Wouldn’t Mind it if I Kissed a Girl and Liked It
Thomas tells JJ to seize the day, however by the time he finds Lara, she’s too busy flirting with a dude in a wife-beater and armband tattoo. Don’t lose hope, Worf. See those camo pants? He’s only one minute away from getting his face blown off in the war, like that old lady’s friend.
Captain’s Log: I Could Use a Holodeck Right About Now
JJ is crushed — he isn’t in the mood to sing racist rap music and isn’t interested in talking atoms with his mother. He turns straight to the Captain’s log.
JJ: The alien life form has been identified as Lara Lloyd, the most beautiful girl in this, or any known, universe. Jonah Jones, a pathetic wanker who will die alone in a flat full of pigeons that he calls his babies.
Aw, I guess pigeons are to nerdy boys as cats are to lesbians.
This is a Masturbation Scene
He debunks his shrink’s theory that he is not a normal teenage boy by turning on the other captain’s log.
Secretly Wishes There Was Whiskey In It
Lara’s got the flu and JJ still think she’s hot, he is such a lez! Also, that’s a good sign, snag this boy, he’ll probs still like you when you buy him Candy Hearts and talk about war atrocities and call it a date. He drops a tab of Vitamin C Alkaseltzer into her glass, which he realizes looks bad, but I mean who has time for date rape in the afternoon, there’s work to be done. He tells her it’ll fight off her flu and regulate her bowel movements. She drinks it. Easy. Lara is a trooper.
“Lara will you go out with me?”
Thomas threatens to ask Lara out if JJ doesn’t. He’s maybe bluffing, I dunno, but if he is then it’s worked because JJ jumps on the store PA system to beat him to it.
I HOPE SHE’S NOT SICK OR ANYTHING.
Take Yourself Some Alka-Seltzer And You’ll Feel Better Fast
The whole store waits in anticipation of a rom com moment and it’s not for nothing, she says yes!
Freddie Came Home With a Vengeance (in his bag)
JJ’s so happy that he goes straight home to play with his ukulele. No not that one. That’s when Freddie busts into the room lugging a giant rucksack that has smoke coming out of it. No, it’s not dry ice for a little Thriller night, it’s um, COOK!
skinsftw.tumblr.com
This is Where Me and the Boys in Prison Liked to “Talk,” Mate, In the Shower!
JJ follows Cook into the shower and tells him that he can’t stay in his room. See things have changed now, JJ’s got adult responsibilities like his job at the candy store. He’s also got a date with a hot girl, and even he can see that having a room mate is going to dramatically lower his chances of getting laid.
JJ: You can’t just stay here.
Cook: Well I’m sorry, mate. Fred’s dad was getting suspicious there, wasn’t he? You’ll have to keep me here for a bit.
JJ: Keep you? What do you mean keep you?! Her Majesty’s Prison Service is supposed to be doing that!
Cook: I escaped, all right? What’s the problem?
JJ: I’ve got a life, Cook!
Cook: Oh, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your fucking hectic social whirl, Jaykins!
JJ: FYI, things have changed, Cook. I’ve got a job. And a date! With a girl. But this is hopeless. I’m stressed. I’m gonna fuck up, and I don’t know what I’m doing.
Cook: Well let me make fucking use of myself then, Jaykins.
Cook’s willing to pay his board in the way of dating advice, and offers JJ three tips:
1. Be cool.
2. Touch her. “Touch her, she knows you want her. If you don’t then she’ll start to think she’s ugly.”
3. Look at her pupils. “If they’re dilated, it means she wants to play with your ding-a-ling.”
“1” is GOLDEN, obviously, as he was planning on being Uncool. Sure it sounds stupid, but he did score with Effy multiple times and so let’s just give him a chance. Is shaving his genitals also part of his secret? ‘Cause he does ask for the Ladyshaver.
Yes, I Like Mature Women With Big Jugs Okay, Don’t Judge
Mrs. Jones catches JJ locking his bedroom door, and it confuses her because they’re one of those close, loving families that don’t have secrets. What follows in Crystal’s opinion is one of the funnier moments this season and in Riese’s opinion makes her itchy.
JJ: What if I have private things, things that you can’t see.
Mrs. Jones: We don’t have secrets, Jonah. What things?
JJ: Porn! I don’t want you to see my pornography, mother. And I know you’ve been looking.
That Bathrobe Screams SEX
JJ shows up at Lara’s door, ready for romance in a checkered bow-tie and cardigan. He has Cook’s rules written on his palm, but probs should have paid more attention to Rule #1 because he’s two hours early. I would be so annoyed. He also touches her pretty quickly. Well, we’ve only got 47 minutes.
Lara: What are you doing?
JJ: Just touching you… soft.
Lara: Okay should we cut to the chase?
JJ: Possibly. Your eyes, can I just check —
Lara: Why don’t you come inside, I want to show you something.
JJ thinks he’s scored. Unfortunately, that “something” Lara wants to show him is not how to have heterosexual sex. It’s in fact what can happen when you do.
HALLO I AM A BABY
It’s like Degrassi! Lara has a bun in the oven! I mean out of the oven!
Lara: JJ, I’d like you to meet Albert. My baby.
JJ: Your baby. As in…
Lara: As in, yes, I had sex and shazam! A baby.
I hope Albert turns out to be fat so they can call him Fat Albert. JJ shows Albert some magic tricks while Lara gets ready for their date. I bet JJ wishes he knew how to make himself disappear, particularly when the kid pees all over him and then his daddy Liam shows up at the door. The Baby Daddys are always such total badasses so that we can all understand that sleeping with assholes is a one-way road to Pampers.
Hi, I’m The Asshole Boyfriend from Central Casting
Oh look it’s the wife-beater guy that Lara was flirting with at Hancocks, he’s not stoked about another dude touching his kid or his kid’s mother.
Liam: If I see you touch my kid again, I’m going to rip your lungs out. Touch her, and I’ll set them on fire and stick them up your ass.
See this is what happens if you show up two hours early. Also Lara seems oddly unapologetic about the fact that Albert just peed in JJ’s face!
Also the Human Head Weighs Eight Pounds! No Kidding!
JJ and Lara walk into a bar and the bartender says hey, what’s with the super awkward conversation. JJ is telling Lara all about bar peanuts and how the ones she’s sticking in her mouth contain traces of urine from up to 16 different people. Every word that comes out of his mouth dramatically lowers his chances of kissing that mouth later, and I’m saying this about a guy who has pee on his face already.
He clicks to get the bartenders attention, which is seriously my biggest pet peeve ever. Clearly he’s really really trying to get more human fluids in his mouth.
He asks her for a “capribina”, straight up on the rocks, which is a ribena juice cocktail because that’s how he rolls. The bartender quite rightly denies him and his twatty drink request, but not Lara’s, she successfully orders vodka even though she looks 12.
Oh! Look who’s here! I SPY A LESBIAN!
Hi, my Name is Emily and I’m Being Sketchy
Emily walks in. She introduces JJ and Lara to her “friend” Mandy and says they were just about to leave. Mandy points out that they only just got there. Good point, Mandy. Why is Emily lying? Mandy turns to JJ and gushes/snarks “she’s lovely, isn’t she?” Whatevs, homewrecker.
[Hi this is Crystal speaking. A few weeks ago I suggested that it wouldn’t be a bad thing if Emily went off and played the field a little. I am officially retracting my statement. It was fine in theory, but actually watching Emily make a rational & sober decision to secretly hang with a girl who is not Naomi just doesn’t feel right. Naomily 4evs! Okay carry on.]
With Emily gone, the kids continue their awkward first date conversation, which includes, but is not limited to, Lara warning JJ that he needs to keep his hands where she can see them. Never know when he’s going to masturbate, come in his hand, and stick it up her cervix, because she already has one baby. Things are not going well.
JJ: Are your pupils dilated?
Lara: Only when I’m pissed off.
4. Time to Go Home
Things just go from bad to worse when JJ spits Lara’s vodka and coke all over her. Instead of helping to clean her up, he bolts off to the bathrooms for some girl talk with Cook.
Cook is the Next D’Angelo
If you’re looking for a voice of reason, you should probs not call the convict who’s naked in your bed wearing nothing but a ukulele. Cook, who is an expert in escapes, tells JJ to get the hell outta there. To be fair he probably didn’t mean right then and there, out the bathroom window.
The Great Escape
Lara walks in and catches him mid-escape, which will happen if you hide out in the ladies room. Further proving our theory that JJ is a lesbian who should come out of the closet.
JJ: I just came to, um, buy tampons. For you. As a gift.
Lara: Forget it. This was a mistake.
NEXT:The best way to lay a lady is to take her to Naomi & Emily’s house, clearly.
Skins Recap Episode 405: Freddie (and Effy, That Crazy Diamond)
by riese & crystal
Without going into too much detail, it’s important that you understand that we were born to write this recap. Drugs? Check! Mania? CHECK! Psychosis? Check! Abandonment? Check.
And I mean really, why would you want to read a recap written by someone who’s never been led down the rabbit hole and ultimately to visiting hours at the mental hospital when you could read a recap by TWO people who’ve done just that? Also that means we can make fun of everyone still, right?
Sidenote! We’d like to acknowledge the following tumblrs which we thought had way better graphics than ours. You should all appreciate & follow: Kaya Scoldelario, Skins FTW and Fuck Yeah Katie Fitch. Seriously, SKINS FTW big up to you. Your tumblr is the best thing to happen since Skins!
Skins Episode 405: Freddie
I Am Nothing If I’m Not With You
405 opens on Sid & Nancy in the kitchen with the bottle, freebasing a suspicious substance — the legendary MDMA?
Sunday Night Fever
Kids. The room is really dark, I guess they spent their utility money on drugs. Always the gentleman, Freddie holds Effy’s hair back while she inhales. I hope she does the same with his fringe.
Party Monster
The Freddie & Effy Junkie Lovers montage begins; it’s all delirious trippy pills, joints, disco balls and running through Bristol with water bombs. Throw in some making out on the staircase to screamy music with dancey beats and some artificially enhanced orgasms and two beautiful kids that really who needs MDMA Goggles and you’ve got yourself Freddie & Effy’s glam ep of Intervention.
Where are these kids’ parents? Where’s Mrs Stonem or that dick who kicks everyone out of school?
We Are Really Cute Together, Aren’t We?
Freddie: I really fucking love you.
Effy: [we have no idea]
I Am Intense, I Am In Pain, I Am in Need, I Am in Love
Get a room! I mean; up the down staircase we go! Opening with a teenage sex scene, Skins, you daring little bastard.
How Do Druggies on TV Shows Always Maintain Such Clean White Sheets?
The morning after, Freddie is passed out bare-arsed in bed. Mrs Stonem is leaving a vice I MEAN VOICE mail. While Effy is chugging vodka from the bottle (that’s the cowboy way), she’s in Rome drinking “fucking macchiatos” in St Peter’s Square and is gonna stay there a little longer which is excellent for Effy’s adandonment issues, and mine. Where’s Tony?
Probs best Mum stays away, she might be surprised that somewhere between seasons three and four, her house transformed from a broken-yet-somewhat-loving family home into a crack den. With paper cranes!
Rome if You Want To
Freddie wakes up and remembers that it’s Judgment Day! No, not the Prop 8 Trial, but the disciplinary hearing at college ’cause his grades have been slipping. (Side effect of sex, drugs, and no supervision. Slippery slope.)
Effy is sad that he’s abandoning her, albeit momentarily, so she’s being all dark n’ shit.
Freddie: Eff, what’s the matter? I won’t be long, I’ll only get a bollocking for ten minutes or so.
Effy: Just —
Freddie: Are you coming down?
Effy: Still up. Way up. This is me happy.
Freddie: I can’t miss a disciplinary, Dad will flip.
Effy: Be a long time dead.
Luckiest Whiskey Bottle Ever
As soon as Freddie exits, Effy rebels by turning on the stereo and drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. Next up: Portishead and chasing the dragon.
Karen for Wax
Freddie runs home, where his sister Karen, dressed like Flight Attendant Barbie, demands that he allow her to cut his hair or else she’ll fail her Feathering module. She doesn’t realize that Freddie has perfected scrawny druggy hipster hair and the only stylist he’ll ever need is Shane circa 2004.
She asks when his fuckathon will be over. Listen Karen, no-one ever wants a fuck-a-thon to end, it’s not like a martathon even though they both use the word “thon.”
She shouts, “I want to cut your fucking hair.”
OMG ME TOO.
Headphones Per Autostraddle’s Queer Girl Accessory Guide
Freddie catches his disheveled, bag-eyed reflection in the bedroom mirror and double-takes, not even those magical cheekbones are pulling him through today. He should start taking his pills with food. He also catches his father hiding in the closet, he’d been snooping or “dusting.” Dad has a few words about neglecting his studies –
Mr McClair: I’m glad this young lady is making you happy, but —
Freddie: No you’re not, you’re jealous.
Mr McClair: What? … Clean yourself up.
Mr McClair is concerned about his son’s health, but doesn’t seem too jealous of Effy. Me on the other hand: very. Well, for the time being.
Also when Freddie bikes to school, he seemed very Angela Chase to me!
My So-Called Skins
Colour Me Good
Freddie runs into Thomas and JJ out front of the school, where I believe they are beatboxing in French or something. Kids these days.
Thomas: Hello stranger. I thought study was too 2009 for you and Effy. Where is she?
Freddie: She’s at home, she didn’t feel very well.
Thomas implies that Effy is worn out from all of the drug-fueled teenage sex they’ve been having. JJ, who has lots of experience having straight sex with a lesbian, doesn’t get how it can’t get boring.
Freddie’s gotta jet, he has a disciplinary meeting with someone they nickname “Tough Love.” JJ suggests that he blames “sexual OCD” for interfering with his study.
Pandora walks by Thomas and snarls “What are you looking at?” Um, probs her rack, not gonna lie.
It’s Gonna Be a Thriller, Thriller Afternoon
“Tough Love” is in charge of Educational Intervention. That’s what we used to call Expulsion. Firstly, Tough Love is in one of those scary rotating chairs like he’s Dr. Evil or something. Then he turns around like he’s in a porn movie and he’s about to ask Freddie to atone for his sins or be on a reality show.
Tough Love’s office is sparse except for motivational quotes plastered over the walls and a poster of Michael Jackson looking down on them. Get it? That’s foreshadowing. Because Michael Jackson is dead you guys. Because of drugs.
Rock of Love
Tough Love makes Freddie shift his seat until he’s lined up in the perfect position. For what? I dunno. Maybe as an offering to MJ. jk.
We learn that everything Freddie does is either late or inadequate, or both. As some weird intimidation tactic, Tough Love puts Freddie’s name in the shredder. I think this happened in Back to the Future 2, and it was kinda silly there too, and maybe involved a Dot Matrix Printer.
This is the New Egg-in-the-Frying Pan
That’s when a really weird and disturbing conversation happens. It’s like an SNL skit.
Tough Love: What would Michael say?
Freddie: Pardon?
Tough Love: Michael. What would he say?
Freddie: I’m bad?
Tough Love: Yes, and what else?
Freddie: Beat it?
Tough Love: No! He’d say “gotta be startin’ something!” Okay?
BTW Freddie already looked at the man in the mirror earlier and it didn’t do jack shit!
I Have Spent Nights With Matches & Knives
Freds returns to Effy’s house as promised and finds her in her mother’s bedroom, cutting pictures out of magazines. Aww, she’s made a giant collage out of crucifixion, torture art and Polaroids of Freddie. She laughs maniacally, breathing wild-like, throws papers in the air and tells Freddie she’s found her new “porn stash.”
Effy is muttering about “making thing easier,” Freddie wants to know what drugs she’s on. I’d transcribe, but really at this point it’s as hopeless to us as it is to Freddie.
Freddie: End? And what fucking end would that be?
Effy: Mine, Freddie.
This episode is showing us a whole new side of Effy. You know the manic depressive drug-abusing side. “Dual diagnosis,” as they say in the psych biz. Man no wonder I’m so attracted to her.
Your Face Don’t Look Like Before
There’s come close-ups as Freddie touches her skin, tenderly, listening to Stina Nordenstam’s delicate serious plucky voice.
Is the Drug Den Out of Adderall?
When Effy falls asleep, Freddie tries and fails at studying. He keeps doing more coke. Classic mistake! Now you’ll just get agitated and then want more coke! BTW, he’s got chest hair now. Kids grow up so fast.
Feeling, Sweet Feeling, Drops From My Fingers, Fingers
Freddie brings Effy breakfast in bed the next morning; perfect ’cause now she’ll have some cereal to pour in her vodka. She’s so badass.
Freddie: You alright?
Effy: Hunky-fucking-dory.
Freddie: Right, maybe just calm it down a bit yeah?
Effy: I’m not the one grinding my teeth.
Freddie: Both of us. For a bit. Do you want to fuck up your A Levels?
Effy puts her hand around his throat and pushes him back on the bed, kissing him. He pushes her off and tells her to “drop the dark shit” but she’s not hearing him.
You Make Love, You Break Love, It’s All The Same
Freddie: Effy, listen alright? It’s me. Me.
Effy: And this is me.
Freddie: Jesus, I thought we were happy.
Effy: Too fucking happy.
Freddie: What, so you want to end it then, is that what you’re trying to say?
Effy: No. It’s gonna happen.
Freddie: Why are you head-fucking me, Eff? I can’t handle it.
Effy: Better fuck off then.
Freddie runs out of the room, leaving Effy alone and distressed/abandoned/relentlessly insane. Poor Freddie’s got quite a bit to learn about walking away from people who obsess about The End. Jim Morrison wrote a song called “The End” once. Just sayin’.
But look, at least he gets to the heart of the matter, stat:
Manic Depression is Catching My Soul
Freddie’s in class, struggling to write a paper on “The Future Is History Repeating,” which is actually kinda what it’s like to be a manic depressive with the ups and the downs and the same stories every time and HEY-O! What’s that on the world wide web?
Manic Depression… Psychotic Depression. Will experience Manic episodes which will include Hyperactivity, Euphoria, Increased Sexuality, Paranoid Delusions, Reckless Behavior… and ain’t that the kicker… wondering if he’s part of the delusion, too.
Is Effy taking drugs because she’s having a depressive episode, or to enhance her manic episode, or is she depressed because she’s taking drugs?
Freddie walks the halls with his headphones around his neck not his ears but we can hear the music which is Sparklehorse. It’s kind of muffling, I’m sure. I mean, I imagine it is. In his head right now.
You’re Bad, You Know It
Freddie decides he needs adult help and so he goes to visit the Student Counsellor, only to find Tough Love’s in the house with his motivational quotes and BRAND NEW Michael poster, seemingly floating on top of the bookshelf. Tough Love says the Counsellor has a breakdown, so he’s taking over, which might be ’cause he is teaching in a SCHOOL OF MISFIT TOYS.
Freddie goes against his instincts and opens up a little.
SO BTW My Girlfriend is Interrupted
Freddie: So what do you do when you can’t tell anyone shit, ’cause it might really fuck things up. And you don’t know what to do, or what is happening – you just know that something really, really fucking bad is going down.
Tough Love looks to MJ for the answer but no dice, he’s dead, probs ’cause something really fucking bad was going down with him, too. Well, there you go Tough Love you just used up Freddie’s one chance at seeking outside help.
This “Tough Love” character and his Michael Jackson fixation is I suppose meant to be a little bit of comedy relief during what is otherwise a really heavy episode. But it just doesn’t sit right with me, and I keep thinking he might be a funny ghost, except not funny.
Just Like the Drugs You Are Keeping Me
Freddie sits on a park bench, studying a whole lot of texts from Effy that range from hate to love. Up… down. He doesn’t reply.
You’re Still Too Young to Drink, But HEY HERE’S A PAPER CRANE KIDDO
He folds the Psychotic Depression fact sheet into an origami crane and gives it to a little boy sitting beside him, I guess maybe he’s decided that he won’t stick around to help her after all. But nothing can stop the incredible force of giving Origami to children.
I Just Loved Playing Ping-Pong with my Flexolite Ping Pong Battle
Freddie visits his grandfather at a fancypants home. Grandad can see Freddie’s got ‘psycho junkie girlfriend’ written all over his face and so he leads him off to play table tennis and talk women.
Grandad: Who is floating your boat these days? Still not chasing that Elizabeth one?
Freddie: No, I’m not chasing anymore.
Grandad: So you finally snared her in the end then?
Freddie: She snared me, Grandad.
Grandad: Oh. You’ll never get out of that headlock.
Freddie: I just did.
Time for the “You Can’t Save Anyone Who Doesn’t Want to Save Themselves” Talk
Back in Freddie’s grandfather’s room, there’s a bookshelf full of Freddie’s Mom’s origami cranes. Apparently “the worse she got, the more she made.” Grandad pours him a whiskey straight up, a sweet gesture but seriously he should probably eat a toasted cheese instead.
Freddie: Grandad, when mum was young did you know that she was ill then?
Granddad: The days I spent thinking on that… Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t want to. Memories play tricks.
Freddie: So did hospital make it worse? She did get worse in there, right?
Granddad: It’s the chicken or the egg. You never know with the mind. The old invisible universe.
Freddie: We should have been the ones to look after her, without anyone else butting in. We could have, if he hadn’t of just given up.
But You’ll Fight And You’ll Make it Through
Granddad: You can’t blame Leo for what happened to your mum.
Freddie: It’s his fucking fault, grandad!
Granddad: Anger will help you survive for a while, but then it’ll eat you alive. So let it go. Living in the past will only fuck you up. Do what you can now. Forget what wasn’t done then.
Freddie’s got a really hard decision to make, does he let Effy become someone else’s problem, much like he feels his father did to his mother? And risk that the hospital won’t fix anything, but only make matters worse, which happens? Does he know that sometimes the hospital makes things better? Regardless living with that fear is f*cking criminal, really.
Or does he chase her straight down that rabbit hole and deal with all of the pain and saddness and suffering that’s inside it? He’s only 17, really no kid should have to make that decision.
Oregon Trail Comin Through GET OUT THE WAY
He chooses the latter. Effy’s voicemail is “It is me, whoever that is. So leave whoever a message.”
I don’t think Freddie knows who Effy is at this point either, but he’s going to try to help her figure it out.
A rickshaw knocks Freddie off his bike. The driver reminds me a little of Mr Fitch, I think it’s the accent. Freddie doesn’t have time for a broken bike, he “needs to tell someone something,” it’s gonna be like the last scene of a rom-com and he’s going to the airport! Deliver the baby! I mean, kick your bike and yell!
The driver is a smartass. But he is also a smartass with a motherfucking carriage and Freddie has to go tell someone that he is going to take care of them, because maybe he doesn’t know yet how hard that really is, that you need more than just devotion. Like maybe Seroquel.
HEY-O! Someone’s having a party! Thump-Thump-Thump
Was it a Facebook Invite or Something? You Know I Never Check my Facebook Invites.
Freddie wants to know wtf is going on. Pandora says there’s a guy in the kitchen with his hand stuck in a cock ring and she can’t find a first aid kid. Katie delivers a half-second of comic relief with, “I am not mingling with goths!”
Apparently Effy posted the news of the party on the internet. I’m surprised she hasn’t already pawned off her computer to buy paint thinner or had it stolen during a long walk to find Jesus.
Panic sets in when Katie points out some graffiti on the wall –
via toonumb.tumblr.com
A Distant Ship, Smoke on the Horizon
Pandora walks past Thomas and as he attempts to speak to her, she slaps him. Then she kisses him. Then she walks off. It’s kinda sexy.
Freddie runs into Effy’s room, her collage has grown, there are now pictures of skeletons and darkness and devastation, complimented by words cut out like “loss” and “sick” and “ignore” and most troubling, “death” and “the way out”.
Your Filthy Room Your Drama Blues
His trance is broken when Effy’s voice comes from out under the bed. WHAT COULD IT BE?
Next:Freddie chases Effy down the rabbit hole, where Katie is dressed like a sexy angel!
Skins Recap Episode 404: Katie F*cking Fitch
by riese & crystal
[feature graphic photo via fuckyeahnaomily] Hello! It’s time to recap episode 404 of Skins, “The One Where Ross Gets a New Monkey.” JK! It’s actually called “Katie Fucking Fitch.”
If you’re new, here’s the deal: Crystal (Australia-based music editor) recapped just the lesbian parts of Season Three in 2009. So by popular demand, for Season Four she is recapping the entire show, along with Riese (NYC-based Editor-in-Chief, former L Word Online recapper).
In conclusion, the Internet is magic, and someone gave birth to two very beautiful ladies. Here they are:
404 Katie Fucking Fitch
Balconette Bra Product Placement
The previews for 404 shown last week had every Skins fan fueling the excitement by tweeting/emailing/exclaiming “I’m Katie Fucking Fitch!” at every possible opportunity. With so much anticipation in the air for a crackin’ episode, I think opening the show on Katie Fucking Fitch’s rack was really the only way they could have met my expectations.
This is my “One Night in Sarah Palin” Look
Katie’s decked out in First-Lady-meets-Tarzan-meets-Austin-Powers hot pink leopard print power suit and pearls. This’ll be her first day at “Let’s Get Fitched,” Mrs. Fitch’s brand-new wedding planning business. Just like the Jennifer Lopez film The Wedding Planner. You follow?
As you may or may not recall, Mr. Fitch’s gym, Getting FITched, was foreclosed by the bank, so they clearly needed a new business to incorporate their last name into. Hopefully no-one will be confused and be ready for the gym and then end up getting married. That happens to straight people you know. Before they know it they have babies and sweatpants and joint tax returns.
To Be Honest This Logo Looks Gayer Than Your Daughter
Mrs. Fitch is taking this small business owner role seriously, you can tell by the Clip Art logo. She’s probably been taking computer classes at the community college. You know, “computer classes.”
Otherwise Known as The Lat Press
Out in the Fitch family garage, Mr. Fitch is working on his moneymaker — NO NOT THAT KIND PERVS — with the help of Katie’s little cross-dressing brother James and Katie’s finger-shooting boyfriend Sam. Mr. Fitch proudly introduces “the HyperFitch, a full body workout in just 5 minutes!”
Mrs. Fitch and Katie look skeptical because they undervalue the power of the man who once said, “You’re not going to get taught pecs & abs without reps reps reps!” Mrs. Fitch wants him to make a different kind of machine — a money-making machine! Get it? ‘Cause they don’t have any money? Hahaha! Also someone already made a moneymaking machine and I think they got a patent.
Mrs. Fitch sticks another boot in by announcing that they’re going to work ’cause “someone has to.” Mr. Fitch ensures the employment of another bedside nurse by dropping the machine on James’ legs.
Is It Because You’re Such a Frigid Bitch, Mom? Is It?
Katie can sense the tension between her mother and father and tries to figure out what’s going on. Her mother is dismissive, saying that there is nothing to worry about even though the look in her eye says, “yes there is.”
My Super Sweet 16,000,000 Wedding
The ladies meet Brandy at her dress fitting, where Brandy’s coming all over herself thinking how her football-playing boyfriend ‘Dean’ is gonna come in his pants when he sees her. That’s not how babies are made kids, there’s gotta be contact.
Speaking of gross, in swans the Mother of the Bride, Vivian, fresh out of her colonic appointment. She wants Posh-n-Becks-esque ceremony coverage in OK Magazine, but unless her daughter has banged Katie Price or Tiger Woods, it ain’t gonna happen. Vivian doesn’t like that answer, so Mrs. Fitch backtracks and says they’re working on it.
I Will Gut You Like a Fish!
The Mother of the Bride also wants Mrs. Fitch to order a gaggle of swans, 100 doves and a trained owl that she ordered, you know, to bear the ring. The theme is “Noah’s Ark” which COINCIDENTALLY happened b/c humans were asshats and G-d wanted to kill them all. Just saying!
I bet Brandy’s name is really spelled Brandi. That’s how I’m spelling it now. Vivian condescendingly explains that she’s giving Brandi the wedding of her dreams because that’s what any real mother would do, ‘cept those with homo daughters, they’ll have to settle for commitment ceremonies.
Brandi must have really weird dreams. Like this?
Katie’s gonna leave the game birds to her mother while she runs off to organsie Brandi’s hen party, themed ‘Sluts & Studs’. Giving the irresponsible teenager the responsibility of organising a night of debauchery is a really good idea, what could go wrong?
Unplanned Parenthood
Before Katie can hit the stables, she needs to meet Sam at the health clinic to confirm that she’s not knocked up. It’s the UK and not the USA, and so the waiting room is empty and furnished and the doctor is nice.
The Good News is, Hot Flashes Made it to last year’s Autostraddle Hot 100
The doctor confirms that Katie’s not up the duff, and actually she never will be ’cause she’s going through “premature menopause.” This means:
i) she can never conceive, good thing she’s got a lesbian twin who can have a baby for her instead.
ii) she’s finally got an excuse for being a moody bitch and dressing like she’s 50. Poor Katie, this is intense. Good thing she has a lesbian twin.
[Dear Riese, what the fuck is with the music in this episode? It sounds like dream sequence music?]
[Dear Crystal, I know I thought maybe it was going along with the “fairy tale” theme but then I realize my mind is still with Taylor Swift, not in this episode. There is no fairy tale theme, maybe there was a sale on windchimes].
This is my No More Condoms Dance
Sam responds to the “I’m not preggers” sitch by doing a weird dance.
Katie: You can pretty much fuck off now… You’re dumped. Fuck off!
When Sam realises that Katie actually means it, he freaks ’cause let’s face it, dating Katie was punching a bit above his weight. He kicks a metal pole, hurts his toe, and collapses in the fetal position. The exact position that no-one will ever be in within Katie’s little stomach.
Somewhere Out There
Katie sits in front of a green screen and calls Emily, who’s probs busy having makeup sex with Naomi (FINGERS CROSSED).
I’m sort of surprised that Katie’s holding her shit together.
This Could be the Opening to a Debt Relief Commercial
Back at home, Katie’s Mum is having a row on the phone with a dude who says The Fitches are bankrupt and she should have received notices about this. Mrs. Fitch ‘turns the house upside down and eventually has the spider sense to flip up a couch pillow, where she discovers a whole lot of repossession threats/notices stashed away in a drawer like they’re not true.
Feel Like You’re Losing Control? Have Nightmares?
She exclaims “arsehole!” and starts hyperventilating, which seems like a fair reaction considering.
Mr. Fitch’s ears must’ve been burning, ’cause at that very moment he walks straight into the lair with James, who has just returned from the hospital. Lucky they live in a magical land of affordable healthcare otherwise that cast would have cost a million dollars and there would be no cash left for ice cream.
James: Mum, the nurse says that I have an unusual fascination with the female anatomy and that I should consider a career as a gyna… gyna… gynnnaaa… what’s the word, Dad?
Mr Fitch: Gynecologist.
Mrs Fitch: Something you want to tell me, Rob?
I Went So Crazy I Didn’t Know What to Do
Mr. Fitch realises he’s been caught and um… runs away! Mrs. Fitch runs after him and beats up on him, this reminds me of what happened to Marissa Cooper’s family on The OC. I am sorta stressed out for them. She yells, “We are so finished! Consider yourself divorced!”
James: What’s happening?
Katie: You’ll be alright. Everything’s going to be fine.
Love Pull Your Sore Ribs In
The look on Katie’s face says that she doesn’t really believe her own words. She gets that from her mother.
The Coop Would Be Proud
Katie’s had enough of her broken home, it’s time to dress up like someone who breaks homes. She’s gone out all vixenish with fishnet stockings & hoop earrings. Goodbye Mrs. Sandra Dee! The sensibility of this morning’s look is out the window! “Save me From Myself” by Christina Aguilera is playing. No joke, this is also what I listen to when dressing up to go be self-destructive! Me and Katie have so much in common.
On her way out of the house Katie notices her mother screaming down the phone line at Mr. Fitch, threatening to burn his Gym Of The Year certificate.
Katie: Is dad coming back?
Mrs Fitch: We’ll talk about it later. You need to do a good job for me tonight, okay? We’ve got a lot riding on this wedding now sweetheart, let me look at you…
This feels oddly like American Pimp. Anyhow, Mrs Fitch checks to see that Katie is dressed slutty enough for the Sluts & Studs party and yup, she gets the green light.
UM IS ANYONE GONNA CALL EMILY? ANYONE? ANYONE WANT TO CALL UP THE OTHER DAUGHTER? DOES THIS SEEM WEIRD TO ANYONE ELSE?
BFFE = Best Friend Forever Egg
It’s ladies night and the feeling is right, but not the dress code. A blonde WAG army have overruled Katie’s Sluts & Studs theme and are all wearing football jerseys with their boyfriends’ names on the back. How Heteronormative! What does the “E” stand for? Is there anything more than forever?
Brandi’s “BFFE” apologises to Katie, she didn’t organise Katie’s jersey because she didn’t know which boy’s name to put on the back. The BFFE speaks entirely in acronyms like Riese jk sorta no really wtf let’s use words. She’s giving Katie a lot of ‘tude because she now dates Katie’s ex-boyfriend Danny, the skeezy footballer we met in season three. Remember?
If There Was a Shore Like Jersey in the UK, This Guy Could Be In That Show
BFFE: Danny’s told me about you. Didn’t you have bigger tits? They’re like Danny’s favourite thing ever.
Katie: He never complained.
BFFE: Not to your face.
Brandi: So have you got a new man, then?
The situation is diffused by the Mother of the Bride, who reminds Brandi that Katie is getting paid to ‘work’ and not to socialise.
If Someone Bombed this Room, The Only Person I’d Miss Would Be Katie
During the speeches, Mother gives a string of backhanded compliments and also calls Brandi both “arousing” and “brandi-licious” which is weird. She also reveals that Brandi is pregnant. Ouch. Everyone’s highly fertile except for Katie.
Where are the studs at this party, I was hoping for drag kings. Is this a strip club? Katie grabs a bottle of champagne and takes it into the bathroom, which’s exactly what I’d do. In walks Brandi, she also fancies a drink.
Who Cares About Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, My Kid is Destined to be Annoying Regardless
Brandi: Ohhh I’ll have some of that.
Katie: You do know you’re not supposed to drink while you’re pregnant.
Brandi: Don’t care, and I don’t think you can talk to me like that.
Katie: I’ll do what I want.
Here’s the Stud!
Katie storms out of the bathroom — SURPRISE! Effy & Freddie are there canoodling, probs celebrating their new Cook-free lifestyle. Katie’s confused about why they’re there and also pissed ’cause Effy kinda stole Freddy from her. Effy’s all about moving on though, which I guess is sorta easier if you’re not the one who had your skull bashed in with a rock.
Effy: Have a drink with us.
Katie: Is that a joke?
Effy: Katie..
Katie: You haven’t changed, I can see right through you.
Effy: Likewise. Are you ever going to let that smile falter?
Katie: Only when yours does.
I feel like these two girls understand each other, I hope they work it out and become BFFEs.
Next Time Go to Chuckie Cheeses, Bitch
Speaking of besties, Brandi’s has run out of fags and suggests to Katie, aka “sweetheart,” that it’s her job to scamper off and buy her some more.
Katie: One, I’m not your maid. Two, I don’t work for you and so you’ll have to get your own fags, sweetheart.
Urm, but you are her employee. Katie! Desperate times/desperate measures! Get the cigs! Or…
Surprise It’s a Blow Job!
The BFFE shoves Katie right into Freddie’s crotch and Brandi, who we’ve learned is well versed on people cumming, yells out something clever about spitting or swallowing. Katie follows them onto the dance floor and trips the the BFFE up.
BFFE: Who the fuck are you?
Katie punches her out and gets in her face, saying “I’m Katie Fucking Fitch. Who the fuck are you?”
Security throws Katie out of the club, but not before the Mother of the Bride tells Katie “you and your useless mother are fired.” Oh dear, there goes the paycheck. When Mrs Fitch finds out, Katie fucking Fitch is gonna be pretty fucking fucked.
Waterworld
Effy finds Katie sitting on the dock of the bay, so she sits down beside her and offers her a smoke.
Katie: I don’t smoke.
Effy: What are you scared of?
Katie: Err, cancer.
Megan Prescott has exceptional delivery.
Effy’s too hardcore to worry over cancer, she used to sleep with a con and is pulling off a headband. Katie says “fuck it,” and takes a drag. Effy teaches her how to inhale, it’s sexy.
That’s a good friend, someone who’ll hold your hand and teach you how to abuse substances when you’re having a really fucked up day. I hope Effy teaches her how to do blow backs later and they make out.
I Think They’re a Perfect Size
Katie: Why are you being nice to me?
Effy: Life’s too short.
Katie: You’re such a fucking cliché. So what’s it like?
Effy: What’s what like?
Katie: Love.
Effy: Great. It’s really lovely.
Katie: That sounded convincing.
Effy: It’s fine, nothing is ever perfect, you know?
Katie: I thought it could be. I wanted the perfect boyfriend, the perfect marriage, the perfect everything.
Effy: What’s changed?
Katie: Me.
I’m sure Katie’s not just talking about her ovaries changing, her whole life has changed in just one day. I love that Effy doesn’t argue that she’s a cliché, she’s owns it.
Katie: I don’t know who I am anymore.
Effy: I thought you were Katie fucking Fitch.
Skins Recap 403: Cook (and the Terrible No Good Very Bad Week)
by riese & crystal
Crystal & Riese are here to present to you the recap of Skins Episode 403, “Not Naomi and Emily.” This week is all about Cook. Cook is not a lesbian. He is a man-born-man who likes to punch people in his face. What lies beneath his aggressive exterior? A soft heart of gold? Secret powers that could save Metropolis from the evil influence of vipers, dinosaurs, Sarah Palin and the Marshmallow Man? Another tiny little person? The Heart of Doom?
Let’s begin to unfurl his mystery. You can get all the scoop on Skins at the e4 website. Just let’s say from the get-go this episode was very well-done, quite brilliantly written, and gave us lots of feelings. Howevs also we were both somewhat under the weather this weekend. LET’S BEGIN!
Skins 403: Cook
Jailhouse Rock
Remember in last week’s 402 recap when Cook beat the crap out of an innocent party-goer after seeing Freddie and Effy have a bit of a pash at the house party? Well we didn’t really think twice about it because a) Cook beats someone up in every episode and b) we really are primarily concerned here with Naomi, Emily, and whatever dead lesbians they’ve slept with.
Well, you missed a very important moment. Because now Cook is in jail with only boys, just like the Tegan & Sara song. Oh and this foxy lay-guard:
Don’t Drop The Soap Etc
See children, actions have consequences! A bloody-fisted and mean Cook sits down with his public defender, Duncan, who is eating a cheese sandwich and talking while he’s chewing, so it’s kinda hard to follow amid my TOTAL REVULSION!
Hard Times at Skins High
After finishing his sandwich, Duncan suggests that life’s going to be easier for everyone if Cook just smiles, says sorry and pleads guilty to “punching the fuck out of Shanky Jenkinson.” If he’s lucky/typical, he’ll just cop community service. But obvs if Cook was interested in an easy life then we wouldn’t be here. Or else he just seems a bit dumb.
[Cook must have already anticipated his fate ’cause he’s already got the prison ink:]
Cook: Not guilty.
Duncan: James, you did punch the fuck out of Shanky. In front of 83 witnesses.
Judge Judy Would Be Proud
Cook claims he’s not guilty because he was provoked by Freddie and Effy’s tongues, and you’re kinda ready for the Law & Order music to begin and for Mariska to be like, “Are you sure about that?” all sexy and stuff.
Duncan does not think that Cook is being clever but doesn’t protest too much, he’s got bigger things to worry about like that moustache. Casey Novak wouldn’t let this shit go down. She’d be like “your honor,” and then Mariska would be like, let’s make out, etc.
Stop in the Name of Love
On the stand, Cook says he’s not guilty and so the judge passes down an electronic tagging order until his trial, meaning he has to wear an ankle tag like Michelle Rodriguez but not as hot.
He’ll have to be home all the time, but Cook doesn’t have a home. A-HA! Case CLOSED! Nope, he’ll be going home with his Momma, Mrs. Ruth Byatt, who he says he is defo not going home with until threatened with, “Yes you will or we’ll arrest you, bang you up. Probably bang you about while we’re at it.”
Mrs Ruth Byatt is waiting for Cook in reception, passing time by flirting with police officers. This is anarchy.
Cook: Mum.
Mrs Byatt: Hi Jimmy, how you been?
Cook: No-one calls me Jimmy now Mum.
Mrs Byatt: Hello smelly.
Firstly, that’s such a lame insult. What are we, 7? Regardless, I get the feeling Cook never had a chance.
Lifestyles of the Rich & On Probation
Guess it is a bit like Michelle Rodriguez after all, ’cause Cook’s Mom is actually a famous artist, probs like Thomas Kinkaid, and therefore Cook will be doing probation in a mansion. Mum is drinking wine out of the bottle as she saunters out of the car, that’s nice.
This is Cook’s little brother, he is like Cook before he was destroyed by women and the cold icy touch of drugs, alcohol, and rock ‘n roll, except clearly still with the rock ‘n roll:
Rock Bandit
Cook’s little brother is inside, his name is Paddy and he’s wearing suspenders and rocking out to Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades” on Rock Band. Cute overload. What’s with the little brothers on this show being so adorable? Also, Cook is happy to see him. They share a tender moment of brotherly love that endears us to Cook for the time being.
He gives a little away –
Paddy: Mum says she forgives you, and you can come back.
Cook: Yeah.
Paddy: And we got pizza to celebrate.
There are like 20 pizza boxes. Maybe this is a crazy harem or something.
If These Walls Could Yell Loudly 2
Cook lies in his ex-bedroom while his brother sleeps beside him. It’s 6:35 in the evening and there are loud sexy noises coming from the room next door, but this is not a harem, his Mom just likes to ride the pony. Cook is thinking about how this is his life now and he is never going to leave ever. He checks his bracelet just to be sure.
I thought his tattoo said “Fuck Me Dead” but it actually says “Jack the Lad.” Jack is the name of the actor who plays Cook, maybe the make up dept ran out of concealer I dunno.
Oh Right And the Dead Girl
This episode’s not depressing enough and so they bring the dead girl back up, with Cook finding the police poster in his pocket. He picks up the phone to call Freddie, then changes his mind and starts dialling Effy, then realizes this is all their fault and instead stares meanly/wistfully at a poster on the wall of him and his friends before they made out with Effster.
A Writer with a Farmer’s Tan, WHAT ARE THE CHANCERS
Downstairs we’re greeted by enough empty champagne bottles to um, go with all that pizza, as well as Alex, an art critic who is studying Cook’s Mom, which seems like a little bit of a conflict of interest.
Alex obvs wants to get laid again because he calls her the greatest conceptual artist since someone whose name I’m not familiar with, but definitely has the sound “douche” in it because it made me giggle. It’s really the only entertainment I’ve had so far.
All in the Family
Cook’s mum tells Alex that Cook’s a criminal, and the dude tells Cook: “Your mum says you’re her greatest creation, a walking conceptual installation. That’s cool man.” But you and me and Cook and Mom all know the truth: Cook will never be like The Gates, or like the Statue of Liberty or anything. He will just be Cook, the boy from Skins in the polo shirt, la la la.
I guess that’s sweet but it’s probs best coming from his mother and not his mother’s lay. Speaking of conceptual installations, check out her latest –
NSFW
Even Bette Porter wouldn’t hang this in her art gallery. It’s dumb and Jesus isn’t in it. Cook looks unimpressed.
Alex: They’re so tactile, you know? You just want to touch them. You just want to come on them.
So we cut to Cook wearing cute plaid pants and walking with his cutie patootie little brother.
It’s Like Billy Elliot But With Less Dancing
It’s a sweet moment, they’re sharing chips even though it’s probably 7am or something.
Paddy: Will you go to prison?
Cook: I might.
Paddy: But if you say sorry won’t they let you go?
Cook: I’m not sorry.
Paddy: Why?
Cook: Never say you’re sorry.
Paddy: Why?
Cook: ‘Cause you’re not a pussy, are ya.
Paddy: No.
Cook: Then we don’t play that game, do we. We don’t play anyone’s game.
Paddy: Except for Rock Band, we can play that..
Cook: Yeah, yeah we can play that.
Paddy calls Cook “barmey” and on top of reminding me of a miniature Angus Young, he could not get any more adorable.
Oh whoops wrong picture! Here’s the right one:
Little Cooky
They arrive at his private school, where lots of cute little boys are wearing cute little hats also and Cook throws intimidating looks at the ones that have been giving Paddy a hard time and kicking him in the balls. He’s going to need those balls later, when he becomes a massive pimp like Cook. Because balls are where boys keep their sperm right. I don’t know, I’m a lesbian.*
*JK
Foosball Prelude to Ultimate Surrender
At college, the kids are playing foosball and JJ’s team wins, they chest bump and are only two seconds away from patting each other on the ass. JJ’s sporting a huge shiner that he must’ve gotten from Cook when he tried to break up the fight last week. [Riese sidenote: I am watching this as I read/recap and I thought that JJ was Cook until I read this paragraph, Crystal!!] Where’s Emily and Naomi?
Pandora’s looking miserable on the couch and JJ suggests they go cheer her up, but Freddie points out that it’s hard to cheer someone up when her boyfriend cheated with a girl who is the “hottest of the hot”. He has Effy though so STFU.
Love Doctors
Freddie: Are you alright, Panda pops?
Pandora: No, not really.
JJ: You know, love’s thoroughly overrated. I’ve never had a girlfriend and look how happy I am. In between minor psychological breakdowns.
JJ starts talking about endorphins but all he’s doing is making a depressing episode even more depressing. But hey speaking of the hottest of the hot – someone is having a fashion disaster! But Cook still loves her, even if the bra strap don’t.
I’m Just Effy From the Block
Effy has arrived. The next thing on her to-do list after being hot is to sit on the couch with Freddie and swap some spit. Cooks shown up and looks heartbroken, but barges into the rec room like he doesn’t care and hasn’t just put a kid into hospital and gone to prison.
Hey Kind Friend
Cook thinks they’re all suckers for being in school and so he tries to convince everyone to go to the pub with him. OH HEY LOOK WHO HE ASKS.
Where Did the Good Go?
Cook: Naomi? What about you? Bring your lady and we’ll make it a threesome. … What’s up with you two?”
Naomi and Emily look so depressed that even Cook senses it, and Cook doesn’t sense anything. From this scene I assume that Emily and Naomi are still together, I’m no body language expert but I think if they did split up then Emily would be in the bathroom crying and Naomi would be having breakup revenge sex.
The best part is when Cook turns to the black guy and says, “Black guy?” But the black guy doesn’t want to go either.
Pandora saves them from answering by wanting to know if Cook’s scared of going to the “bloomin’ jokey”. He’s not. Oh but look who wants to skip out:
We’d Like a Drink Before We Make Sweet Love Later
Effy & Freddie feel bad for Cook and offer to join. Do they not understand that Cook’s hard heart breaks a little every time he sees them so easy breezy beautifully in love? Cook says that’s a’ight, he would rather just have a sandwich by himself in his locker.
JJ declines as well. Out of character, but not surprising as he’s got a big giant bruise on his face. Cook asks who it is that roughed him up b/c Cook is gonna give that asshat the stare of death, just like he did earlier that day with his little cutie brother, but what Cook doesn’t remember is that it is HIM, COOK! Yes, he must look at the man in the mirror like Michael Jackson said.
He Wore Pink Today Just for This Occassion
Professor Blood, the new college director, breaks up the party, acting very hoity-toity. He offers Cook his business card and suggests that he and Cook need to “pow wow,” which I think is actually something that Cook should stop doing. Cook apprently missed the year they studied Native Americans and pow-wows and such, but no matter this is actually gonna be more like a ‘public beheading’ which I believe is part of traditional early government both in the US and in the UK and surely he caught a tad of that lesson.
The Professor explains that because Cook’s been implicated by the law, he’s automatically expelled. And expunged. And ex-communicated. All those other E words, this dude likes to Enunciate. Effy. Edie. He tells Cook he needs to “scoot off,” or else an Enforcer named Jonathon will Escort him out with “Extreme prejudice.”
Cook: Jonathon can kiss my ass. That’s if he’s not tired from licking yours.
SMACKDOWN
I think Cook and Thomas should start a little club for kids that got kicked out of school. They can go to the mall, learn how to use bunsen burners, be big brothers to underprivileged children, take anger management courses and develop valuable technical skills for the workplace.
Jonathan is held by the guard while Professor Blood, apparently confused thinking this is like a Vietnam protest or something, sprays Cook in the eyes with pepper spray. For a second I think Effy and Freddie are going to leap to his defense and a brawl will break out, but they don’t. SHEEP!
The kids are all standing by shocked, including Naoms and Ems. I hope they bond over this trauma later.
Dead Like Me
When Cook gets his vision back, his eyes fall on Sophia’s memorial. Who had the baby chair idea? That baby chair is sad. They should’ve gotten a wall or something like they have for Vietnam.
Mean Streets
Cook is wandering the streets like the vagrant he still is when he comes upon Naomi’s house, where she’s taking out the trash. Emily’s scooter is on the sidewalk… good sign? I guess cohabiting with the strayer is better than cohabiting with the Fitch family. Also Emily’s gotta keep her eye on Naomi. Never know when she’ll sneak off to an Open Day and come back with a yeast infection.
Skins Recap 402: “Emily” (and let’s be real – “Naomi”)
by riese & crystal
Hello children & muffmonkeys, Riese & Crystal are here to recap 402 for you! Last time we asked if you wanted us to recap the whole season or just the Naomi & Emily parts, and you told us you want us to recap the hell out of all of Season Four. So here we are doing what you want us to do. Did your ex-girlfriend do that? Probs not, just saying.
This one was easy ’cause it was all about Naomi & Emily. I feel like that line from the Tegan & Sara song – “don’t judge a book by the size of its wrist” — finally makes sense, I think it was supposed to be the title of this episode.
The only appropriate way I can think to preface this recap is by saying OH MY GOD. If you thought you knew what was going to happen in this episode based on 401 or last week’s trailer, you were wrong. This was not a predictable story arc. If you did predict it, email me because I have some questions about the stock market. This week’s episode can be youtube’d here.
Remember how last week’s season premiere was a massive downer and some of us lost a little bit of confidence in the writers of our favourite show? Well you’d be pleased to know that the Great Depression is over (for now), the opening scene of Ep 402 have restored our faith –
I’ve Been Looking So Long At These Pictures Of You
The Temper Trap emotes all lovely and dreamy-like while a near-naked Emily strolls around Naomi’s living room, gazing lovingly at various photos of her la-la-love Naomi, before she became corrupted by lesbian sin.
[Song: The Temper Trap – Conditions – Sweet Disposition]
She’s sharing a particular emotional moment with a childhood photo of Naomi when the postman rings twice…
Not only do the British have their school funding situation sorted (we established this last week — couches, foosball tables, drug-flushing toilets, etc), they also have postal workers that actually walk all the way up to your door and deliver the mail person-to-person rather than just throw your new records on the ground in the middle of a rainstorm for the crazy cat lady next door to steal and then use to prop open the door to her feline harem but hey-o! Look at me projecting!
Emily doesn’t notice him standing there because of his conspicuous clothing and so he takes his time ogling her rack, he clearly wants to give her another sort of package ifyaknowhatimsayingheyyouprobsdo ’cause that’s what she said.
Just Try It, It’s the Body & The Blood of Christ, Mom Gave It To Me
The postman gives Emily a plain brown package and so she takes it upstairs to where Naomi is lying in wait for some food, they probably haven’t eaten in days due to all of the teenage lesbian sex they’ve been having. We can probably assume that they haven’t left this bed for the last three months.
Naomi tells Emily to turn around while she opens the package so that once she straps it on, she can just plow it on in, ’cause who doesn’t love surprises? Assholes, that’s who.
Oh wait. NM.
Oh look! Glasses for snorkling or traveling through outer space yay!
I’ve Always Wanted to be a part of your world!
On a scale of one to ten Emily could not possibly look more ADORABLE than she does right now in those super-fly goggles. This is my new screensaver, all girls should wear these goggles ’cause they’d render serious conversations impossible, and I hate serious conversations/feelings.
Or so you’d think. Naomi tells Emily that she loves her, and that she should never forget that. Emily says “I know.” Oh also, Naomi’s crying.
Teardrops on my Guitar
This is sweet and all, but where’d Naomi go? What happened to that outspoken, sharp-tongued girl who went up against Cook for class president and threatened to fuck Katie with a great big strap-on by mistake? I realise that the writers are trying to show that the Lesbian Relationship worked wonders for Naomi’s venerability but seriously, harden up, don’t let that conformative lifestyle haircut lessen the strength of the big mean dyke raging inside.
Dykes on a bike
Naomi and Emily are getting in some practice for Mardi Gras, cruising down the street on Emily’s orange scooter and sharing a cigarette. They’re having fun! They’re laughing! This is the Skins I love.
[Song: Skeletons – Tiny Masters of Today]
Lost & Delirious
It’s the Skins that these private school girls love too, you just know they’re looking on and imagining the riding they’re gonna be doing after hockey practice.
Garage Band
At the Fitch’s, Emily’s dad is clearing space in the garage. He forces Emily to give him a hug which I think is the universal sign that shit is about to go down, the last time my dad gave me a hug he was just going to the metaphorical store for some cigarettes. I guess he never found the store.
Let’s Get Real Maria Full of Grace
Mrs Fitch wants to discuss Emily’s “options” for next year and we’re pretty sure she doesn’t mean Dinah vs Lilith. Emily tells her not to worry, it’s all figured out, she has already committed herself to the Parent’s Worst Nightmare Plan: going to Mexico with her lesbian lover Naomi. For all ye living in the States keep in mind these girls are not gonna get there on their scooter, this is sort of a dramatic plan, eh?
Mrs Fitch is unimpressed, she thinks Emily should study up on some university pamphlets just in case things don’t quite go to plan. Which is stupid, right – if two hot-blooded teenagers in their first girl-on-girl relationship run off to Mexico, what’s the worst that could happen? Also, where’s Katie at?
Scooter Girls
Naomi taunts Mrs Fitch with a generous compliment before they drive off in search of Muttley. Kids these days, no respect. Emily’s mum stands in the doorway looking really sad/steely, she’s probably thinking about all the drugs and group sex they’ll have in Tijuana and wishing her life was more like that instead of about hugs in the garage, etc.
[Song: Six Day Riot – Sky Father]
Life can’t all be about scooters and biscuits in bed, Naomi and Emily have got to get to school so that they can walk the corridors holding hands and making out.
Just Like taTu Promised You It Would Be
It’s all fun until Naomi spots a police poster out of the corner of her eye announcing the desire for information from every one who has seen something to say something. I hate it when death gets in the way of lesbian makeouts, like this time:
We Have to Stop Now, Dana’s Dead
Yes it’s that girl who dived off the nightclub railing after huffing the drugs Naomi dealt her. Remember her? She was wearing a different outfit last time you saw her.
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Naomi
Well it turns out that her name was Sophia and she was a cadet. It also turns out that the bobby are back at the school and requesting to speak to Naomi and Emily specifically.
Inspector would like to know how well Naomi and Emily knew Sophia and nervous they hold hands under the desk which is sweet but probably unnecessary, they’re among friends here. Her little assistant is there. Let’s just call him James.
I Wouldn’t Go to Jail With Only Boys Just to Prove I Was As Tough as You Actually
Naomi denys knowing Sophia which is not entirely true, but she can’t say as much because Emily still doesn’t know about that whole drug thing. See the inspector heard the three girls were “quite chummy” which I think is code for “lesbian sex orgie friends.” Emily is super confused. Me too. But one thing’s cleared up: it wasn’t Columbian Marching Power as we suspected but rather MDMA aka Old Reliable, making its return from series three.
Naomi continues with the lies, claiming that they were at home with the cats long before any death happened. That contradicts Emily’s earlier statement, the truthful one where Sophia nearly tripped over them pashing on the staircase as she climbed her way up to the top just to throw herself off.
Naomi. This is not how you cover up a crime; launching into immediate contradictory statements. Next time I need someone to sell drugs for me I will not be asking her!
There’s Something So Divided
The police let them go and Emily is understandably hot on Naomi’s heels, wanting to know why she’s telling so many lies but Naomi isn’t talking.
Emily: Hey, it’s me. What’s going on?
Naomi pulls Emily into the restroom presumably to make out, I hear that’s what lesbians do in restrooms so Riese says [It’s true!]. It’s a really serious moment but Emily’s wearing those goggles so I can’t take her seriously.
Naomi: I did see her at the party. It was me who sold her the MDMA.
Emily: Since when are you dealing?
Naomi: I needed some money and I thought if I just went in on this MDMA deal –
Emily: I could have given you some money!
Naomi: It was for these…
Oh God. That’s like the worst; Naomi shouldn’t have said that. Still, it’s clear these two have a good thing going on because despite the position Naomi put her in, Emily seems open and ready to listen/forgive/care.
Naomi: I thought I could keep you safe. I’m sorry.
Emily: Who gave you the MDMA?
AND CUT TO….
I Told You to Say NO to Drugs Cook, NO, This Isn’t Like Hooking Up Where You Think No means Yes
Obvs Cook gave Naomi the drugs, Emily wants to know if he also gave her name to the police. Cook thinks Emily needs to “chillax,” which is one of my favorite/least favorite things in the world. He points out accurately that causing a scene in the middle of the hallway is not how a dude chillaxes.
Emily has a million questions, but all Naomi offers is that she doesn’t want to go to jail (surprise!) and then she snaps at Emily, who’s being perfectly lovely, asking her to “mind your own fucking business for once please.” Everyone knows women in jail have sex all the time so really it is defo Emily’s business. Also she was looking forward to tacos.
Naomi says they need to act like everything’s fine. Emily’s eyes says it’s not. She could get pissed and walk away, but she cares too much, and so she apologizes while not backing down on being confused.
This scene made me realise that Kathryn Prescott is a really good actor. Clearly I haven’t been paying attention.
Sophia’s Choice
Emily, inspired by Nancy Drew or Harriet the Spy, is now taking her feelings to the dead girl’s house in search of answers. But the thing about looking under rocks is that you’ve gotta be able to deal with what they turn up, like Sophia’s mum revealing that Sophia was always talking about those girls Emily and Naomi. You know, “Ems” and “Noams.” I think this means that Sophia was clearly a serious lesbian and she looked up to Naomi & Emily for being out and in love.
Sophia’s Mum: How do you know her?
“Nancy”: From College.
Sophia’s Mum: Are you in with Naomi and Emily and that crowd?
“Nancy”: I see them sometimes.
Sophia’s Mum: I thought they would have called around by now. Sophia talked about them non-stop.
The Last Picture Show
Emily has a snoop around Sophia’s bedroom and realises that Sophia liked to make those picture carousel thingies. Nancy gives it a spin and looks inside and the drawing is of TWO GIRLS KISSING.
This is intense! Emily pokes around the bookshelves where she uncovers a University pamphlet with a keyring and a letter addresses to Sophia’s brother Matt inside it.
Show Me The Key To Your Heart/Death
And then Matt busts in, looking freaky and mean:
Nancy Who Nancy Drew
Matt says he never heard about a girl named Nancy. Well, that’s Nancy for you, she is a very good mysterious girl detective.
Matt: Did you know someone gave her drugs the nigth she died?
Emily: No, I didn’t know.
Matt: Were you her girlfriend?
Emily: What? No!
Matt: You’re fucking lying to me. They say she killed herself but that’s bullocks, I know she didn’t do that.
Emily: How?
Matt: She didn’t say goodbye.
Okay you guys, we’re not even 15 minutes into this episode and now the dead girl may or may not be friends with Naomi and Emily, I DON’T KNOW. She may or may not also be gay and her death may or may not have been a suicide and not drug-induced flight. Her brother may have been a terrible bully who didn’t want her to be a lesbian. I may or may not have a headache and may or may not have just lost faith again.
Emily passes the letter to Matt — perhaps this is the suicide note he was looking for? She takes the University brochure with her, though.
[Songs: Dressed in Dresden – The hundred in the hands, Fear, fear fear – Jehn and John]
I Never Knew ITT Tech Had So Many Options for a Girl Like Me
Emily sits down at a cafe and studies the university brochure, possibly to find out more about Sophia or possible because she anticipates that her storyline is only gonna get worst and wants to look into those “options” that her mother was talking about. That’s when she noticed this picture —
This Must be a Brochure for Sarah Lawrence
Ladies and gentleman of the jury I would like to include into evidence Exhibit F, actual photographic proof that Naomi and Sophia have been in the same place at the same time before. I labeled it for you because I didn’t actually ‘get’ that this picture was of them, Sophia’s perm threw me into thinking I was looking at 80’s stock photography.
Also is this a photo from the brochure? A photo that Sophia was storing in the brochure? If this was Law & Order, the ‘twist” music would start right about now.
Emily runs to her mother’s place of work and is greeted by the super campy co-worker who wants to know if Emily’s upset about JJ, the dude she sympathy screwed in season three. He tells her that young boys would have sex with a snake wearing makeup, which is a horrifying image so let’s move on to the waxing room. Emily busts in on her mother’s wax job because has questions:
Wax On, Wax Off
Emily: You told Graham that I was straight?
Mrs Fitch: He’s known you since he was a little girl!
Emily: He’s as gay as a window!
Mrs Fitch: He’s an adult, he’s earned the right to be gay. You’re too young to know what you are.
Emily: I know, mum.
Mrs Fitch: You think you know. Is there any specific reason you’ve been crying? Maybe Naomi?
Emily: No, we’re fine.
Mrs Fitch: You should go travelling, to find yourself. Won’t she just get in the way?
Emily: She’s my fucking girlfriend! You’ve got nothing to do with this.
Mrs Fitch really knows how to drive her point home, and she’s equally skilled in Bad Ideas. HOWEVER if I was getting a bikini wax and some girl busted in and furthermore left the door open, I would be upset. Though slightly comforted to know she was a lesbian.
Mrs Fitch: What if I was to give you a thousand pounds, would that change anything?
Emily: No! What, now you’re bribing me?
Mrs Fitch: Emily you’re mind! I’m just trying to help you. Naomi’s not right for you. There’s just something about her that I just don’t like.
For 1000 pounds she could probably get a LOT of MDMA! Or the Tegan & Sara deluxe set with the ink blots. Or a Real Doll to replace her girlfriend when her girlfriend goes to lockup.
In the well-funded cafeteria, Freddy is eating chips with a fork when Effy swoops in, her second appearance this season. She has sort of been like one of those creatures in Sci-Fi movies who pop up from space like Ghosts. Maybe I am thinking of Ghost Dad starring Bill Cosby.
Hello, Stranger
They sit in silence for a long time which is fine, I’m happy to just look ’cause Freddie has really nice hair and a nice jaw and if I squint he passes for a girl, which makes this scene totally work for me. But then Freddie wants to talk.
Freddie: So how was your bath?
Effy: What bath?
Freddie: The one you popped out to take about three months ago.
ZING.
Effy: I went to Italy. How was your summer?
Freddie: Not bad. I got chlamydia.
Effy: Wow. Exotic.
Freddie: That’s what I said. Then I realised Cook got it as well and then it didn’t feel as special, if you know what you mean.
Effy: I bet it liked you more. So who gave it to who?
Freddie: We didn’t. There was an intermediary.
Effy: And you’re all clear now?
Freddie: Clear as a bell. I’m not sure about him though…
Effy’s eyeing off Freddie’s crotch but lifts her eyes just long enough to see that Freddie is pointing to Cook, who’s in the background and way jeals. She tells Freddy that it was him who she spent all summer thinking about, and Freddy doesn’t reply and so she jets. I’m not going to show you the hot pants Effy is wearing, they hurt my heart.
Would You Tell Me Tough Love Style, put Judicial Weight On Me?
Freddie just wants to eat his chips in peace but this time it’s Emily who swoops in, wanting to ask loaded questions about feelings.
Emily: Have you ever loved someone and then something happens and you wonder, perhaps you never really knew them at all?
Firstly, Angela Chase had that same exact thought AND THE SAME HAIR COLOR. They’re probs lesbian matches made in TV heaven. But anyhow, as Emily says it, she’s staring at her girlfriend who is huddled in the corner of the rec room with some [assumed by us to be] lesbians, laughing at how the Lilo/SamRo story in US Weekly is nothing like the LiLo/SamRo story they read about on the internet LOLZ. I don’t know for fact that they really are lesbians, they might just like lip piercings and plaid. They’ll transition soon enough.
Since when did Naomi get friends? The last time her sexuality was brought up she wasn’t sure she loved women, just Emily, and now all of a sudden she has a gang of lesbros and a lesbian past either documented or not in a Uni catalog.
Freddie doesn’t care though, he’s too preoccupied with watching Effy hug Cook. Hot Topic called and said you know what Effy, you make that bracelet work. You work it. It would look better removed by a gynecologist from my cervix where you accidentally left it, but moving on.
Emily: Do you trust her?
Freddie: What? No, I don’t have to.
Emily: But if you two got together, wouldn’t you be worried she might fuck Cook again?
Freddy tells Em that he’s too busy to have this conversation right now, he needs to go and punch out a few dudes ’cause that’s what Cook does and Cook gets all the ladies.
Skins Recap 401: “Thomas” (Naomi & Emily Are Back!)
by riese & crystal
Skins is back! Sorta. The season four premiere aired in the UK a few days ago, however if you live elsewhere then you’re gonna have to wait a little longer til it plays on your teevee. BBC America needs time to censor out all the good lesbian scenes. But I know you’re an internet-savvy bunch that doesn’t let geography get in the way of a good lesbian storyline, and so you’ve probably already seen the episode (viewable here).
If you’re yet to jump on the Skins bandwagon then you should know that it follows the lives of a group of kids in Bristol, England, who have a fondness for underage drinking and sex and MDMA. Two of the girls – Naomi and Emily, aka “Naomily” – had a lovely yet dramatic romance in season three and we’re all dying to see what becomes of it in season four. Catch up by reading part one and part two of our Naomily recaps.
So I’m going to take a little break from the Good Ship Audiostraddle and bring you the Skins recaps each week (with Riese, because teamwork makes a dream work). Last year I only recapped the Naomi and Emily storyline however this time we’re considering recapping the entire thing, straight parts and all, ’cause this is a really good show you guys. What do you think? Do you care about the other characters’ story lines? We won’t recap it if you won’t read it, so let me know!
Episode 401: Thomas
Every Skins episode is focussed on one or two of the characters, and this week it’s Thomas, the African immigrant who arrived in Bristol in season three.
Hey ho we have a new theme song! It’s actually just a progression from the original theme song, I like it. The theme song is not the only thing that’s grown up, notably all of the Skins kids look a few years older (but probably not wiser) since we last saw them in season three. That’s a very good thing, I now feel less like a creep for having adult thoughts about Effy.
I mean Naomi and Emily are cute and all, but Effy is why I am here.
At the Discotheque
The show opens to a black screen and the sweet, sweet sounds of someone snorting cocaine and sauntering, all lost and druggie, into a buzzing nightclub. Thomas is probably there to shift the few pounds of weed remaining from season three, remember how he had like ten pounds of weed? As the Bolivian Marching Powdered Mysterious Girl navigates the club she passes some of our favorite people from the neighborhood, like Cook; fucking a girl in the stairwell while some dude looks on. Kids these days.
Silly Girl, Gummies are For Kids!
But where are Naomi and Emily? Did their romance last the season break? Are they doing blowbacks? Are they at home with their cats, murmuring sweet nothings into the cat-ears?
OH HEY LOOK! They’re inside the club! Sucking face! On the stairwell! This is how every episode should start, continue, and end.
The Planet After Dark Meets Capricia meets Skins
They’re really going at it, too, they look happy and it’s a lovely few seconds. Teenagers of Bristol, I applaud you for letting these young lovers have a bit of a pash with no staring or interruption.
Well at least until the anonymous girl from the opening scene Jenny Schecters it off the balcony railing and dies with her head split open bleeding all over the floor!
It’s a Long Way Down
Then the Bobby shows up with a fey assistant, prepared to crack down on the club-owner and DJ Tommy Thomas, who organised the party but doesn’t know that dead girl or where she got the drugs or the idea that she could fly.
After the lady-cop & her assistant leave, the club owner throws Thomas a big envelope of cash – profits from that night’s party – and threatens to “snap his spine” if he mentions the club’s many illegal activities to the police, it’s all very dicey.
+
Pandora’s Box
It’s late and so Thomas brings his girlfriend Pandora home to his overcrowded apartment and gets busted by his mother, who does not believe in neutral colours but does have very strict beliefs regarding sleepovers.
Pandora bumbles about, promising Thomas’s Mom that they won’t have sex and that while they have done “stuff,” that “stuff” has yet to include sexual intercourse. The mother wants to know where she can find a virgin in this country. Probs in middle school, or Lezzie Town (according to what we presume is Thomas’s mother’s definition of “sex.”)
I feel like the real issue here is that mum is worried because Thomas’ brother is sick. Not common-cold sick, but oddly-immobile-like-a-mannequin-except-when-imbibing-strange-liquids sick.
Thomas should have shared some of his weed with the twenty-one year olds in the Skins writer’s room, so far this episode is super depressing. I’d prefer something more like the poppy fields in Wizard of Oz.
Sexual Healing
Pandora was exiled to the couch but she can’t sleep, she keeps seeing the dead girl’s face. And the best cure for Dead Girl Face is, obviously, sex, so she goes to her man in the night and so they do it.
We transition from serious actual f*cking to a giant musical number the next morning at apparently the Funnest Church of All Time. Thomas has been dragged there for some spiritual healing.
Last night’s sex with Pandora becomes merely a distant memory when Thomas spots a hot girl in the choir and they make sexy eyes at each other for the entire worship session. Well, “solemn eyes” is Thomas’s default facial expression, although he does smile for about three seconds in this scene, which makes me believe in God. ALMOST.
Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory of the Coming of the Lord
Thomas’ mum dobbs Thomas in to the Rev for spending too much time “fooling and fornicating” with undesirable types. This heavy episode becomes momentarily light-hearted when Thomas’ sister tells the Reverend his lecture is a plagarisism of Star Wars and “Obi Wan is like God but with better weapons.” [Riese sidenote: true story my Rabbi often used Star Trek The Next Generation storylines as a jumping off point for his sermons]
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Next: No Sex in the Laundry Room at the hospital… OR IS THERE?
Skins Recap Part Two: The Torrid Lesbian Romance of Naomi & Emily
Hello, welcome to the second installment of the timeless lesbian love affair of Naomi and Emily (”Naomily”), as featured in Season 3 of the British TV show, Skins.
Did you read part one? If not you should probs catch up.
We left off just after Naomi and Emily had shared a giggly platonic sleepover and the next morning, Naomi gay-panicked and ran. Then she stated for the record – and for the 100th time this season – that just because she keeps making out with Emily, it doesn’t mean that she likes her like THAT. Which brings us to where we are now, high school.
Naomi on the campaign trail
Naomi, trying to win hearts and minds in her campaign for student president, is standing on the cafeteria table with Emily dutifully by her side, promising the student body that she’ll “get to know each and every one of you,” which is code for “LET’S FINGERBLAST!”
Cook, Naomi’s adversary in the presidential race, feels left out and decides to interrupt her speech with his illogical demands, it’s practically an American Health Care Town Hall meeting up in here:
Cook: “No one here cares! We just want to party!”
Emily cares, and she ain’t about to let Cook rain on their plaid parade –
Emily: “Cook, any chance you could go and be a cunt over there?”
Cook: “Oh that’s nice, getting your girlfriend to hold your hand. Moral support yeah, sweet innit?”
Naomi: “… Oh fuck.”
Sad that we know this still works and this fear remains real — that you can always be embarrassed in school simply by being called a lesbian. Naomi’s clearly not interested in the gay vote, ’cause she jumps down off her soap box and yells rather loudly at Emily before running from the room. Sigh.
Passive Aggressive Notes
We have a brief interlude where Naomi goes to confide to a male teacher and he lays a wet one on her little lips. So Naomi’s in a state, crying in her bedroom and looking vulnerable beneath her tough indifferent exterior. This is how she finds the little handwritten note that Emily left on Naomi’s pillow post-sleepover –
At first, Naomi stuffs the thing into a little ball. And then, she has a revelation: unlike men, Naomi realizes, women are willing to submissively pursue your desires and love you under all conditions and they are so soft! She changes her mind, unfolds the note and falls to sleep beside it, which sounds like something someone would do in a Tegan & Sara song. Also, this scene is more or less a metaphor for this season so far.
It’s a brand new day and Naomi is scoping herself out in the mirror, contemplating putting on something less mustard and, per ushe, deciding against it.
Hey! What’s that? Is that Emily’s name inked on her face? I guess it’s sweet in a prison sort of way.
[Intern X: This show is so SUBTLE.]
Naomi probably thinks it’s fate or something because she douchebag-dials Emily, pleading for her to take her somewhere, anywhere.
If You’re Not Gonna Autostraddle Me,
Please Autostraddle This Bike.
Emily – who I’ve come to believe is the world’s greatest opportunist – takes Naomi for a bicycle ride to her secret lake located on the English countryside. Light fairy music plays while they giggle and bump their bikes together.
The only way this scene could be more gay is if one of them was wearing cargo shorts. Speaking of gay, Emily’s choice of location just happens to be the perfect place for skinny-dipping, the whole set up makes me feel as if Emily believes that the best laid plans will, in fact, often get you laid.
Naomi: “I didn’t bring a swimming costume.”
Emily: “Neither did I.”
[Emily makes suggestive taking-off-clothing movements]
Naomi: “Someone might be looking.”
Emily: “Honey, your body ain’t that special…”
Emily leads by example by stripping and now I have no idea where the girl is concealing her playbook.
Naomi warns Emily not to watch her get naked but Emily just has to sneak a peak.
So they start play-fighting and getting a bit handsy before falling in the lake like two little guppies in love!
Cut to the campfire, around which the girls are singing Kumbaya and drinking vodka in the rain. DREAM DATE. Emily is staring off into the distance and Naomi wants to know if she’s okay –
Naomi: “You alright, Em?”
Emily: “You know that’s the first time you’ve asked me something?”
I really dig this dialogue, I’m so blinded by hope that these two kids are gonna make it that it’s so easy to forget that there’s a huge imbalance in their relationship, that Emily chases and chases and beyond a little bit of cuddling, Naomi rarely never gives anything back. In fact one might argue that Naomi runs from the room when Emily enters.
Maybe if Emily were a bit more like that girl chasing Marcia Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie and a little less A-FUCKING-DORABLE, we’d have less patience for these charades.
Naomi: “Well answer it then. Are you alright?”
Emily: “No. I’m having the worst time of my life. The weather’s shit. The company is even worse.”
She’s having such a crappy time that it can only be saved by some hand-holding. Awwww.
The silence gets a little awkward and so Emily consults her playbook and suggests they do blowbacks.
Naomi: “I don’t understand blow backs, why can’t anybody just smoke the thing straight?”
Emily: “It’s fun. Have you tried it?”
Naomi: “No, but I’ve seen it and can tell it’s shit.
Emily: “Come on, anything once.”
Naomi: “Fuck it. Go ahead and disappoint me.”
I’d like to point out that Emily looks her finest when smoking a joint. If you don’t hear from me again then I’ve been arrested or at minimum, added to some federal list somewhere.
Naomi wants to try the blowback again but this time without the joint, which defeats the purpose. Or does it? I used the ‘let’s do blowbacks!’ line the first time I made out with a girl and it worked like a charm. Emily, I tip my hat. Kids, take notes. JK don’t do drugs, just make out, unless you live in California and have a prescription –
All that really matters is that Emily made the first move, and that they re-undress really quickly …
Naomi: “Say something.”
Emily: “I’m all about experiments, me.”
At least I think that’s what Emily said. I’ll be honest – at times the accent gets a little thick and I just make the dialogue up. But you know what I can’t make up? HOW ADORABLE THEY LOOK –
You know what else happens? They have CAMPFIRE SEX, which is a shoo-in for the Autostraddle Hot 100 next year.
Spencer & Ashley Never Got This Close
I’m not going to give you a blow-by-blow because they’re minors and it makes me feel weird, so you should just watch it here.
The Morning After
Emily wakes alone, to the sound of Naomi walking her bicycle away, which is less efficient than riding it, but doesn’t take so much time. Leaving Emily in the woods is cold. If Emily got eaten by a bear, Naomi would be very upset that she hadn’t spent the last five weeks scissoring.
Also, Emily’s hung and loud noises are hard on the ears.
I Won't Go My Whole Life Telling You I Don't Need
Emily: “You’re going to do this to me twice? Naomi, no, you fucking stop right now. Don’t you dare leave me in your bed again.”
Naomi: “I’ve got to go.”
Emily: “I know you Naomi. I know you’re lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well, I do want you, so -”
But Naomi isn’t really that brave, is she, and Emily is being very lesbionically sad. So Naomi moodily walks her bike off into the distance.
Next: Love through the cat-trap door.
Skins Recap, just the Lesbian Parts: The Ballad of Naomi & Emily Part One
Today I’m going to tell you about the timeless lesbian love affair of Naomi and Emily (“Naomily”) in Season 3 of the British TV show, Skins. This’ll be similar to that time I recapped the lesbian parts of Home & Away, but instead of doing one epic recap that will break me, I’ve chosen to break this down into two sensible serves.
If you’ve never seen the show before and are just here to get your lesbian fix and go play with your cat, here’s the scoop: Skins follows the lives of a group of kids in Bristol, England, who have a fondness for spirits, promiscuous sex and MDMA. It’s funny, clever and occasionally confronting, filled with the kind of shenanigans that make you nervously reflect back on your own teenage years and ask yourself, ‘was I ever that bad?’
And as Autostraddle’s resident Australian, I thought I might be the best person to retell this story because although the UK and Australia are on the opposite sides of the world, we both love a good monarchy and are ruled by the same Queen. Our close ties mean that we can understand and interpret each country’s slang, an ability proven valuable for the recapping of this show. Whizzer! Surf & Turf! Shine yer shoes Guv’nah?
If you live in Australia or the USA and you haven’t seen Skins, the good news is that it is airing in your country right now! (USA: Thursdays on BBCA. Australia: Mondays on SBS).
Before we begin, there are a few other things you need to know:
1. Skins is a really, really good show. If I had time, I’d recap the hetero and the homo parts. But I don’t, and so I encourage you to watch this season in its entirety. Even if you’ve already spent hours on YouTube watching ‘Naomily’ montages to the tune of Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ and think you’ve seen it all. You haven’t.
2. If you haven’t seen Seasons 1 & 2 of Skins, it doesn’t matter. Season 3 begins with a brand new cast and brand new storylines, so there’s no requisite information or backstory to catch up on before you read or hit play.
3. If you’re an Australian, this recap contains spoilers. If you don’t like spoilers, come back in two weeks.
4. This recap would not be possible without the assistance of Intern X, and this YouTube user who has kindly posted the entire ‘Naomily’ story in an order that is easy to follow.
The Backstory [Skip this is you’ve seen the show.]
Skins has a large cast of teenage characters and many storylines – but I’m only going to focus on one: the blossoming romance between Emily and Naomi. Before we start you should know that these girls have just started a new high school and have been thrown into the same social circle, which is forcing them to deal with the aftermath of a drunken party pash that happened the year before. We don’t see this kiss, we just witness the drama that follows.
The Skins recap starts NOW!
Think you just spotted a lesbian? Wrong! Naomi isn’t gay, she just has awesome hair. She’s one of those outspoken kids with a lot of ‘tude and in my opinion, the best lines of the season.
Naomi is a hot topic in the school halls because everyone believes she tried to make out with her old school chum Emily at a party.
Emily [played by Kathryn Prescott] is quiet, cute and closeted. She’s the one who started all of this drama, kissing Naomi but then lying about who-started-what in order to protect herself from her twin sister –
Emily’s sister, Katie, is the polar opposite to Emily: an overbearing, poorly-dressed slapper who treats Emily like a doormat and flaunts a football-playing boyfriend who you just know is going to give her gonorrhea by the season’s end. Katie likes to tell Emily how to live her life, particularly when it concerns Naomi.
And hey, have you met Effy?
Effy is a lead character in this series, but merely an observer to the Naomily lesbian love affair. I’m only including her picture so that we can all stop and appreciate her hotness for a moment.
Not too long, she’s only 17. If she’s younger than all the Autostraddle interns, she’s off-limits.
While Emily, Katie and Naomi all know each other already, Effy must have gone to a different middle school or something because she meets the girls for the first time here on the first day of high school.
The First Day of High School
Emily, Katie, Naomi and Effy and their new classmates are all gathered at the welcome assembly. The roll is being taken, and the class loses their shit when “Naomi Campbell” is asked to identify herself. Hahah! Like the supermodel! Get it? Like she’s like, rich, and beautiful, and has issues with Tyra Banks! Kids these days!!
Naomi handles it just as her namesake would’ve, but with slightly less cocaine (for now) —
Cook (classmate): “Hey Naomi, I heard you’ve got anger management issues.”
Naomi: “Only when I talk to wankers.”
The class may have just been introduced to Naomi… but from the look Emily throws her from across the room, it becomes clear that these two girls don’t need an introduction.
Their memories aren’t all fond, because Emily’s lust-filled gaze…
… is shot down by Naomi’s cold sneer.
To be fair – if my parents named me Naomi Campbell, I’d probably be a little uptight too. On the brighter side, at least they didn’t name her “Draco.”
Effy Appreciation Society
Out in the hallway, Katie notices Effy’s smokin’ hotness and thinks that they should become friends. That’s when Naomi shows up, raining on the parade that is blocking access to her locker –
Katie: “Oh here it comes… total lezzer bitch.”
Naomi: “Excuse Me.”
Katie: [to Effy] “Don’t talk to her, she tried to snog my sister in middle school.”
Total lezzer bitch: “Watch out Katie, I might get confused and fuck you with my great big strap on by mistake.”
Oh Snap.
[Intern X: This is why British television wins. If someone said this on American TV, NOM would make a “PSA” about it.]
Naomi runs off, and Katie yells “muff-munching bitch” in her wake. I’m a little disappointed by Katie’s lack of imagination when it comes to insults, Naomi’s wardrobe offers up so much potential. For example, I had a couch like that once.
Speaking of bitches, Emily is clearly Katie’s because she just stands by and lets this all happen.
Tell me – and remember, no lies.
The kids take a break from trash-talking in hallways and go to class, where they’re going to talk about their feelings.
I think it’s Psychology class, because the teacher asks everyone to share something honest about themselves. Here’s how that goes:
Katie: “My name is Katie. I have never gone without a boyfriend since I was 7.”
Teacher: “Congratulations.”
Emily: “I’m Emily and…
Teacher: “Shit happens. Next.”
Naomi: “I’m Naomi. I hate injustice and…”
As Naomi delivers her fun fact, she shoots Emily a look that should put her dead on the floor. Speaking of injustice.
Oh and speaking of the floor, that’s where Emily’s eyes are glued to. She does this a lot, I guess it’s part and parcel of being the passive twin.
Cook Always Throws the Best Parties
Emily, Katie and the gang are hanging out at Cook’s birthday party. Who’s Cook? It doesn’t really matter, the most important thing to know here is that Effy can still look fine even when wearing a pointy birthday hat.
You know who else is invited to Cook’s birthday party?
Katie: “Great, it’s the lesbian. She’s come to gay us up.”
You know how we do. Magical lesbians; we enter rooms and girls just start kissing girls, we call it the “t.a.T.u Effect.” Anyhow, Emily doesn’t make any move to correct her sister’s misdirected homophobia or those shorts. before long Naomi feels a little uneasy and bails.
Emily chases after her, even though she doesn’t know what she actually hopes to achieve (perhaps she could take care of the shorts issue by removing them, having sex, or something) –
Emily: “Don’t leave!”
Naomi: “Why?”
Emily: “I… I don’t know.”
Naomi: “Why does your sister think I’m gay?”
Emily: “I’m sorry…”
I’d like to point out that Naomi has a talent for saying “goodbye” and making it sound like “Fuck You”. It’s actually quite enviable.
It’s interesting how even though on the surface we see a whole lot of resentment and unrequited love, but then when you look a bit closer then the story so far is actually kinda sweet. Sure, Naomi is nothing but cold towards Emily – and yet she still took the ‘blame’ for the kiss that’s inspired Katie’s bitchiness towards her. We can only assume that she’s keeping Emily’s secret to save her from torment, which’s selflessness at its best. Moving on.
How much is a pound, anyway?
Emily, Katie, Effy and the gang have rallied outside a nightclub because they need to help their newly-arrived African immigrant friend sell 13 pounds of weed. No, seriously –
Here we have the marijuana in the bag, and an example of what the world looks like after you smoke all of it directly to his left. Flowers! Death is Real! BIG YELLOW FLOWERS! ANARCHY!
Naomi enters stage right, judging by her power-blazer, fresh from her after-school job at the bank. Her entrance is cue for Katie to start acting like a total twat. She asks who invited Naomi, and throws an accusing look at Emily because she knows, it’s a twin instinct, just ask Tegan & Sara. They listen in, you should know this.
Naomi: “I heard someone needed a hand.”
Katie: “Yeah you like giving hand, don’t you Naomi.”
I hope “giving hand” is the new word for “lesbian sex” and not an attempt at a homophobic slur. Aren’t hand jobs also incredibly popular for men with penises?
Naomi says “fuck see you” and starts to walk away, because she’s a lover and not a fighter. Emily’s finally had enough of Katie’s homophobic rants and decides to set the record straight (har!).
The best thing about this scene is Emily’s use of the phrase “For fuckssake!”. In Australia we abbreviate this to “For fucks!”, which would probably also be appropriate as Emily admits it’s sorta what she had in mind:
Emily: “She didn’t kiss me. I was drunk and someone gave me MDMA (ecstasy), and I felt like fucking kissing someone. Satisfied?”
Naomi is, because she stops in her tracks and returns to the party. Katie has stopped talking for the first time this season and it is bliss. Birds chirp, 12 pounds of marijuana float kindly into the sky, Effy looks hot smug. I think she just wants to see these crazy kids make it work. I always imagine the best for dear Effy.
