Australia’s Anti-Same Sex Marriage Ads Ranked by Queerness

It’s September 2017 and Australia still doesn’t allow same-sex marriage. Rather than ask politicians to do their damn jobs, self-serving gutless wonder prime minister Malcolm Turnbull has spent $122 million on a postal survey to gauge whether Australians reckon that LGBTQ people are real humans with valid, loving relationships, who deserve the same liberties as everyone else.

The survey asks if the law should change to allow same-sex couples to marry. The “Yes” outcome (predicted) will allow politicians to vote on and pass same-sex marriage legislation. A “No” outcome will result in marriage equality being taken off the table until the next election.

This whole thing is indefensible. It’s a government-approved platform for conservative and religious groups to spew hateful homophobic and transphobic bullshit, which is dangerous and hurtful to queer folks and their families, many who already live their lives in Australia feeling alienated and less than. It’s truly abhorrent.

I’ve personally found comfort in the fact that during this humongous shitshow, the homophobes are staying true to form and making no sense whatsoever, such as creating campaign ads ranging from the absurd to delightfully, confusingly queer. Here they are, ranked.

4. This ad about gay seat belts

Ah yes, the ol’… seat belt argument against marriage equality. What’s next, are they gonna let square pegs marry round holes!?!?

How queer is it?

Not queer, just dumb as hell. Is this about sex? Is this how straights think we have sex? We’re all just rainbow buckles and buckle ends, fruitlessly clacking against each other in sin.

3. Flashes of light

Just, wow.

How queer is it?

Reading this ad actually made me one bazillion times queerer, how about you.

2. Hm yes very heterosexual

The Coalition for Marriage wants you to know that it’s OK to stand up for what you believe in! Don’t let the PC Police bully you into being a decent and compassionate human being.

How queer is it?

It’s literally the bisexual flag. Hard to say whether the designer is oblivious or we’ve found Australia’s greatest smartarse.

1. Gay Trojan Horse

Marriage equality is obviously just a ruse that will open the gates for other awful, terrible things, like… safe schools.

How queer is it?

This is horse is fabulous, I’d definitely get in. I want to see Gay Trojan Horse marching at next year’s Mardi Gras, and turned into an enamel pin for my denim jacket. Also this analogy places us on the winning side, so.

How To Look Hot, Stay Cool While Dressing For Your Summer Work Holigay Party

Last week we received a fashion style guide request from an Australian reader that said:

Do you have any holigay work party fashion guides aimed at southern hemisphere summer parties?

If you live in Australia or a nearby land, at some point in your life — if not 2016, the year of fire and brimstone — you will be invited to a work holiday party that takes place in asphalt-melting heat. Chances are, it’ll be a lunchtime barbie down at the bowlo, ’cause lord knows every Australian Chrissie committee ever has at one point decided that playing lawn bowls and boozing outdoors in 35+ Celsius heat is a swell idea. (It is not). When you’re not busy counting the sweat beads dripping between your shoulder blades, you’ll be plotting to slip into the club room for your seventh party pie, just to bask in air-con for one sweet minute. Probably, though, you’ll get pie-blocked by one of your red-faced, sweaty-palmed co-workers, who wanders over and, with a dramatic tug of their shirt collar says, mate, how’s this fucken heat? 

So how do you look and feel great while roasting and dripping under Australia’s death rays? I’ve gathered some of Autostraddle’s most fashion-savvy folks to recommend cute and climate-appropriate summer holiday party looks.

First up, my own summer party style: Linen. I generally prefer to keep most of my body parts and tattoos covered at work events, and linen enables me to do this even when the sea starts to boil. I’m especially fond of Uniqlo’s linen because it’s affordable and typically available in dark colours and patterns. It’s even in black.

Uniqlo Premium Linen Sleeveless Shirt // Country Road Relaxed Linen Pant // Uniqlo Premium Linen Patterned Long Sleeve Shirt // Uniqlo Cotton Linen Relaxed Pant

Kayla, Staff Writer

Kayla suggests that a lightweight jumpsuit is an easy-breezy summer holiday party option. For a fast find and deliver, ASOS Australia has you covered.

ASOS Cami Wrap Jumpsuit With Peg Leg In Satin // ASOS Jersey Jumpsuit with Cold Shoulder and Split Leg // ASOS Jumpsuit with Ruffle Shoulder Detail // ASOS Jumpsuit with Wide Leg in Floral Jacquard // ASOS Premium Jumpsuit With Embroidered Panels

Cee, Technical Director

Cee would wear a short-sleeve button down, shorts, a rope or woven belt, and sandals or cotton shoes to your holiday party, and Cee would look mighty dapper doing it.

J Crew striped polo and J Crew shorts // Dapper outfit via Lookbook //  J Crew Woven Belt

Mey, Trans Editor

Mey says, “Tweed is pretty much my favorite thing for this holiday season, but I know it can be really terrible in warm weather. But it doesn’t have to be!!! All I want to see is people in warm weather wearing tweed.”

BOSS Orange By Hugo Boss Akarli Boucle Tweed Look Short Sleeve Dress // Cynthia Rowley Rainbow Tweed Wetsuit // Sister Jane Tweed Pinafore Slip Dress // Brave Soul Tweed Shorts

KaeLyn, Staff Writer

For femme-of-center folks, KaeLyn suggests an A-line dress in a holiday print or a sundress with a fun print with a cropped short-sleeve sweater or bolero. Keeping the neckline modest because work.

Merry Well Then A-Line Dress // Coach Tour A-Line Dress in Crimson Plaid // Azkara Women’s Shrug Short Sleeve Cropped Bolero Cardigan // WearAll Women’s Knitted Bolero Short Sleeve Shrug

Erin, Staff Writer

Erin says, “I think you should go all white for your holiday party. Just as like, a dare! To yourself. What could go wrong? Regardless of what happens it’ll be a conversation piece, because I know y’all like to get wild over there. “All white at a party? Mate.” Think I nailed that!

Something I know you’ll be keeping in mind is how hot it’ll be, so this cut-out sleeveless top is perfect if you still want some flare. Pair it with some high rise pants and black Doc Marten-esque boots for some contrast and some ping factor.”

ASOS Ridley High Waist Skinny Jeans in White // Fashion Union Sleeveless Shirt With Ruffle Cold Shoulder // Boohoo Patent Lace Up Boot

Cecelia, Staff Writer

Cecelia is really here for you this holiday season with these heat-friendly masc and femme looks.

1. Topman Black And Grey Stripe Linen Shirt + Black Ripped Skinny Chino Shorts // 2. Topman Black And White Colour Block Casual Shirt + Green Stretch Skinny Chino Shorts // 3. Teal/White Printed Casual Shirt + Stone Stretch Skinny Fit Chino Shorts

ASOS Kimono Playsuit With Wrap Front // ASOS Silver Sparkle Skater Mini Dress // PrettyLittleThing Premium Strapless Blocked Embellished Mini Dress // ASOS PETITE Choker Kimono Plunge Mini Dress

Get Baked: Eggplant Parmigiana with Homemade Tomato Sauce

At its best, eggplant is a creamy, earthy and addicting nightshade. At its worst, it’s a bitter rubbery grey sponge that you’ll never eat again, which is sadly many people’s experience. I’m here to defend eggplant’s honor and prove it can be damn delicious when done right.

What I love about eggplant parmigiana, aside from its rich tomatoey gooey cheesy goodness, is that it pairs perfectly with so many things. Chicken breast, crusty bread, a leafy salad, pasta, white fish, anchovies, quinoa, broccoli, roast cauliflower… it’s the Thelma to whatever’s in your fridge or pantry right now. It’s also the perfect meal on its own.

This particular parmigiana recipe requires you make your own tomato sauce. I’ve chosen Mario Batali’s recipe. If you’ve never done this before, get ready because you’re about to up your whole cooking game.

For tomato sauce to realize its full flavor potential, you should cook it one day in advance. If you choose not to do this then absolutely nothing bad will happen to it or to you. Your saucepan won’t explode. You will not go to cooking jail. Your sauce will still be heads and shoulders above store-bought. But it will not be The Best and that’s what we’re striving for here. I somewhat regret that it took entering my thirties to finally start listening to my mother on this ‘day before’ rule.

Tomato sauce ingredients

• 4 Tbsp olive oil
• 1 red onion, finely diced
• 4 garlic cloves, very finely sliced
• ½ cup carrot (loosely packed), finely grated
• 1 Tbsp dried thyme or 4 Tbsp of fresh thyme
• 2x 28 oz cans of whole peeled tomatoes, ideally imported from Italy*. Remove the top stem part of each tomato and crush by hand. Keep the juices.

* Italian-grown tomatoes are typically more flavorful than American-grown, and mind-blowing in recipes like this where tomato is the MVP. I used kinda pricey brands in this post however my go-to are Divella tomatoes, which are amazing and only $1 per can at my local store.

Eggplant parmigiana ingredients

• 3 large eggplants, cut in round slices half-inch thick
• Grated mozzarella, 1-2 cups
• Grated parmesan, 1-2 cups
• Pre-cooked tomato sauce
• Salt

Day One: Cook the Tomato Sauce

(Watch a video demonstration here)

Put a large saucepan on a medium heat.

Add the olive oil to the pan and once it’s almost smoking, toss in the onion and garlic. Let it cook for 8-10 minutes, stirring frequently. That’s a long time to stare at a saucepan but resist the urge to rush this step. Only move on once the garlic and onion has gained a light brown caramelised color and glossy sheen.

Throw in the grated carrot and thyme. Let it cook for another 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add in the tomatoes and juices. Brace yourself for splatter. Turn up the heat to high and bring the sauce to the boil. Reduce it to a low simmer and let it cook for about 20 minutes, or until the sauce thickens to an oatmeal-esq consistency.

Let the sauce cool and store it in the fridge overnight or for at least 8 hours.

Day Two: Make the Parmigiana

I’ve always believed that the (non-)secret to soft creamy eggplant is sprinkling salt over the flesh and letting it sit for 30 minutes. However, there are people in this world who swear that salting eggplant is a waste of time. Take a moment to decide what kind of person you’re going to be. If you’ve chosen to be right, here’s a video on how to salt eggplant.

Pre-heat the oven to 220 Celsius / 430 Fahrenheit. Line two baking dishes with foil and spray/brush olive oil on the surface.

Lay down eggplant slices and bake for 15 minutes. Watch the undersides like a HAWK because eggplant burns FAST.

Once 15 minutes is up, flip the slices and return to the oven for another 10 minutes. If some of the slices turn a darker color than desired, don’t stress! They’re gonna get coated in cheese and sauce anyway.

Once the eggplant is ready, start assembling the parmigiana in an oven-friendly dish (9×13 inch or so).

We’re striving for two layers here, with ingredients laid down in this specific order:
Sauce, parmesan, eggplant, mozzarella, sauce, parmesan, eggplant, mozzarella, sauce, parmesan.

First up, scoop some tomato sauce into the dish and spread it to cover the surface. Only use a thin layer; you don’t want to drown the eggplant. Sprinkle some parmesan on top.

Next, lay down some eggplant. You don’t need to create a solid layer; leave about an inch or so of space in between the slices. Follow with a sprinkle of mozzarella, then repeat the process.

Pop it in the oven and 25 minutes later you are DONE.

Playlist: The Musicians Of Mt. Feelings

Greetings from Day 3 of my post-A-Camp haze, which heavily features naps, cheese, and tuning out the real world and its real responsibilities with an endless stream of music by musicians from the mountain.

If you weren’t at A-Camp this year then let me tell you, we were truly #blessed to have enjoyed the musical talents of supremely cool beings Jenny Owen Youngs, Sean Desiree aka Bell’s Roar, Mal Blum and Julia Nunes. Not to mention other remarkable humans such as Elicia Sanchez and the A-Camp Family Band, who performed an epic rendition of “Like A Prayer” that is sadly not on Spotify.

This one’s for all whose hearts are still on the mountain.

The Musicians of Mt. Feelings

Pirates – Jenny Owen Youngs
Reality TV – Mal Blum
Slow – Bell’s Roar
Make Out – Julie Nunes
Led To The Sea – Jenny Owen Youngs
Cool Party – Mal Blum
Step Up, Step Back (remix) – Bell’s Roar
Then OK – Julia Nunes
Your Apartment – Jenny Owen Youngs
Black Lives – Bell’s Roar
Counting My Breaths – Mal Blum
Cool Thanks – Julia Nunes

23 No-Mess Snacks For Board Game Night

I love throwing board game nights but generally loathe planning the menu. Finding good game night snacks can be such a tricky thing! Unless you want to spend the weekend scrubbing hot wing sauce from your Rummikub tiles, first and foremost, game night snacks need to have minimum mess. To me, that means game night foods should be effortlessly eaten with one hand, via stick, chip or napkin. They should also be easy to prepare in advance then throw in the oven, or serve cold. You don’t wanna spend your night in the kitchen when there’s a murder in the conservatory to solve, you know? Here’s a recipe list to help us all serve up kick-ass game night snacks to people with various diets.

1. Soft Pretzel Bites

via Two Peas & Their Pod

2. Roasted Veggie Flatbread

via A Spicy Perspective

3. Tofu Katsu with Chilli Sauce

Via Lazy Cat Kitchen

4. Thai Fresh Spring Rolls with Peanut Dipping Sauce

via The Curvy Carrot

5. Tomato & Mozzarella Caprese Skewers

via The Kitchn

6. Vegan Roasted Cauliflower Bites with Nacho Cheese Sauce

via Fat Free Vegan

7. Spinach & Feta Spanakopita Triangles

via Our Best Bites

8. Italian Breadstick Popcorn

via Pastry Affair

9. Spinach Dip Bites

via Lil’ Luna

10. Spicy Charred Baby Octopus Skewers

via Taste With The Eyes

11. Mini Spinach and Mushroom Quiches

via Food Network

12. Baked Feta with Tomatoes

via Smitten Kitchen

13. Parmesan Chicken Bites

via Damn Delicious

14. Guacamole Potato Skins

via Fat Free Vegan

15. Sun-dried Tomato and Basil Pinwheels

via The Minimalist Baker

16. Bacon Corn Dip

via Damn Delicious

17. Greek Meatballs (Keftedes)

via My Greek Dish

18. Baked Zucchini Fries

via Damn Delicious

19. Aussie Party Pies

via RecipeTin Eats

20. Baked Kale Chips

via Smitten Kitchen

21. Greek Yogurt Honey Blueberry Muffins

via Baker By Nature

22. Vegan Gluten-Free Chocolate Cupcakes

via The Minimalist Baker

23. Soft Chocolate Chip Cookies

via A Pinch of Yum

Interview With My Ex-Girlfriend: Jade

Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

I met Jade at a skateboard park somewhere in Hong Kong. It was the late nineties; we were just kids. She’d been dragged away from her plush school in Sydney because her mother had got a new job. I’d travelled there voluntarily, with a one-way ticket and no plan, job or place to stay. We became fast friends, and then more than friends. She was funny and beautiful. We spent every waking moment together. We held hands at the back of buses and made out in the back of cinemas. We smoked weed on her parents’ rooftop and the crept into her bedroom after they went to bed. She would’ve been my first ever ex-girlfriend if we’d been sure or brave enough to put a name on what we had.

Our relationship took place before camera-phones and Facebook existed and so we couldn’t find any cute photos of us together.

Artistic impression of Crystal & Jade circa 1999

Crystal: To the best of your recollection, how long were we together? When were we together?

Jade: Six months? I think it was ’99.

Crystal: I think so. Because we were 15, yeah?

Jade: Weren’t we 14? Oh! What year was that Spice Girls movie released?

Crystal: *googles* 1997! Oh shit, no. That would have made us, what, 13? No, that can’t be right.

Jade: No, no way. But movie schedules there were always weird. You were fucking obsessed with that movie, do you remember?

Crystal: Ha, yes. I dragged you to see it with me all the time.

Jade: Sometimes I still think about that. Not that I think about those days often… but, now and then, it’s nice to remember how weird and confusing your whole deal was. You were a different kid.

Crystal: What do you mean?

Jade: Like, your tastes and aesthetic… I remember you listened to punk bands and had this crazy purple punk hair, but then you were also obsessed with the Spice Girls and wore those shirts with cartoon characters embroidered on them. Also one day you showed up with a perm?

Bambi double denim

Crystal: Those shirts were only a few dollars at Stanley Markets. It was a bargain.

Jade: That’s what I mean! No kids our age thought like that. We were all so obsessed with fitting in but you never gave a fuck. Not in the way some kids tried so hard to be special snowflakes, either. You didn’t act like our teenage bullshit was dumb, like you were above it. You were just, I don’t know… politely uninterested?

Crystal: Thanks, I think? Spice World ended up being hugely influential in terms of my life direction, just so you know.

Jade: That doesn’t surprise me.

Crystal: But it’s not like you were a typical teen, either. You played rugby! That was pretty out there for that time. I thought that was so badass. To answer the question, though… let’s go with us being maybe 14 or possibly 15 and dating for six months. Now that I’m in my thirties, neither of those ages seem old enough to date.

Jade: I was definitely too young to know better.

Crystal: Funny. But maybe true?

Jade: We were both a lot older than our ages, though. Lots of immigrant kids we knew were. But you especially. We weren’t formally dating, anyway. It’s not like you ever asked me to be your girlfriend.

Crystal: You’re right about us not technically dating, but it wasn’t some casual friends with benefits situation either…

Jade: No, no, it was much more than that.

Crystal: Would you have wanted to be my girlfriend?

Jade: I don’t know. That’s a question I asked myself a lot over the years, usually in the context of whether it would have changed anything. There were definitely frustrating times when I wished we had something that I could name or define, or maybe tell friends about. But who knows whether I would have actually been ready for that. I was still figuring myself out.

Crystal: Do you remember why we broke up?

Jade: Of course! Wait, do you?

Crystal: Yeah, I do. How do you remember it?

Jade: You came to my house and just casually mentioned that you were moving back to Sydney. We smoked a joint on the roof and then you slept over. When I woke up you were gone.

Crystal: That’s how I remember it too. How did you feel about all that? I don’t really recall you having a bad reaction.

Jade: You didn’t give me a chance to react. You just left.

Crystal: That’s true. For whatever it’s worth now, I’m sorry about the shitty way I handled that.

Jade: Too little too late there, champ. But it’s fine. Actually, no — it sucked in a big way. You were my first girlfriend… or whatever. I was so in love with you. And being in Hong Kong had intensified things between us so much. Our social circle was tiny, we were all we had. So for you to leave, and so suddenly… that was heartbreaking.

Crystal: Ugh. I’m sorry. Again.

Jade: It’s okay. I’ve forgiven you.

Crystal: Yeah, sounds like.

Jade: No, really! I have. I was a teenager; you could have broken up with me in the nicest way and I still would have believed that my whole world was ending. I thought you loved me and my idealistic baby brain couldn’t comprehend that love wasn’t a good enough reason for you to stay. Also I think what made everything so much harder was that it was the 90s. I couldn’t drunk-text you my feelings at 2 am. I fucking hated you and there was no easy way to let you know that.

Crystal: I don’t mean this as an excuse, more just an explanation with the benefit of hindsight: I think… back then I really wasn’t used to people caring about whether or not I was around. I didn’t think leaving town was a big deal because so many people in my life had walked away from me like it was no big deal. Honestly it took me an embarrassingly long time to learn that up and leaving wasn’t the status quo.

Jade: Yeah, that’s something I figured out for myself later on. I think I was too young to fully comprehend how your upbringing could have influenced your behaviour. Still, you could have handled things a LOT better than you did.

Crystal: That’s fair. I understand why you were so pissed.

Jade: You were the first girl I’d been attracted to. I had a tonne of shit to figure out and you were supposed to be with me on that journey. You bailed on me during a huge identity crisis — one that you played a big hand in bringing about.

Crystal: Now I feel even more terrible. Why did I think this interview was a good idea?

Jade: Yes, seriously. How did you expect this go?

Crystal: For what it’s worth, I really wanted to reach out once I arrived back home. Leaving had been hard; I missed you so much. But like you said, it’s not like we could text or Skype. Your parents would have barred any attempt at contacting you, I’m pretty sure.

Jade: No doubt. They would have burned your letters. Blocked your number. Moved me to a safe house.

Crystal: I still don’t understand why they hated me so much? It’s not like they knew we were hooking up… right?

Jade: Oh god no. They were just protective. You saw my life, it was so sheltered. To them you were this strange kid who lived in a convent and came out of nowhere. They didn’t know you and so they didn’t trust you.

Crystal: Well I guess that was fairly astute of them, given how things between us developed. Should we talk about what happened when you moved back to Sydney?

Jade: Like how I didn’t want anything to do with you? I was still so cut. Plus I was excited to get back to my old school, to be with my old friends. By that time you’d gotten a boyfriend and I didn’t want to deal with that.

Crystal: But we did become friends again in our senior year, although I don’t remember that lasting long.

Jade: Yeah, we tried to do the friends thing a few times. It just never stuck. Things between us were so different in Sydney. I was still really attracted to you but it was like what we had together could only exist in Hong Kong. Does that sound weird?

Crystal: No, not at all. It’s true. We’d built this little insular world and it couldn’t be replicated anywhere else. But also our needs were totally different. In Sydney we had so many more people in our lives, so many other distractions…

Jade: Exactly. I had your full attention in Hong Kong and it was like once I knew how that felt, no way would I settle for less. Maybe that was really selfish but it had to be all or nothing with you.

Crystal: We did go on that one date, though. One day you came into my work just by chance, after us not having seen each other in years. I remember us getting along really well. Why didn’t we stay in touch?

Jade: We did, it was such a nice time. I think enough years had passed for me to be able to see you as an adult, almost like a brand-new person, rather than my teenage fling from Hong Kong. That changed things. You didn’t seem like you were in a good place though.

Crystal: Oh.

Jade: You seemed really… destructive? I remember you were hooking up with your boss and making some a few other questionable decisions. You weren’t high at the time but my feeling was that you’d been doing a lot of drugs.

Crystal: Yikes.

Jade: It was hard to see that you didn’t have your shit together. So why didn’t you stay in touch?

Crystal: I can’t remember. It sounds like I had a lot going on.

Jade: Yeah, you were busy. I think everything worked out okay, in the end. I’d just started seeing a really great guy and now we’re married. It seems like you’re having a good life as well. This might sound harsh but I’m actually really glad that there was no second date.

Crystal: That’s fair. And I guess that answers the next question, about whether you’d invite me to your wedding. I wouldn’t invite you to mine either.

Jade: I haven’t even invited you to be my Facebook friend.

Crystal: No, and I’m fine with that. It’s been so long. Do you miss anything about me?

Jade: Yes, of course. I know I’ve been ragging on you pretty hard but that’s only because losing your… goodness… from my life really sucked. The thing I miss most is probably how fearless you were. You were shy but at the same time you were so confident and self-assured about a lot of things, which rubbed off on me. You just did whatever-the-fuck and that was something I admired.

Crystal: That makes me sound a little bratty.

Jade: No, not at all. God, you’re one of the most grounded people I’ve ever met. You can add that to the things I miss. What I mean is that you just took everything in stride. It was so frustrating! I’d be sitting there, totally freaking out over being attracted to you, a girl. Just fully panicking and going “BUT WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN???” and you’d just shrug and tell me not to overthink it, because that’s how you handled your life. I mean, fuck you.

Crystal: I miss your unique way of complimenting me.

Jade: Ha. What I’m saying is that you had this self-assuredness and… optimism that I missed, even though there was usually a frustrating side to those things. But no matter what shit was going down you always made me feel like things would work out okay. I think… given what your life had been like up to that point, that was pretty amazing. I feel like you should have turned into this bitter, negative person but you weren’t, and when I held my life up against yours it helped put my problems in perspective.

Crystal: Maybe this will be a similar answer… what did you learn from our relationship?

Jade: Trust no one?

Crystal: Ouch.

Jade: Kidding… sort of. No, I’d say the biggest learning was that sometimes it’s okay for good things to end. I was always so sentimental about my relationships. I’d try hanging onto people long after they’d stopped contributing goodness to my life. I think our failed attempts at reuniting over the years has taught me that some things have an expiry date and that’s okay.

Crystal: True, our relationship really hasn’t stood up against time. I’m fine with that too. We made some really great memories and I’m pretty happy to just enjoy those instead of trying to force a friendship again.

Working On It, Week 15: Taking A Hike

This week in my journey to better health and more wellness, I cancelled my gym membership in preparation for moving to Chicago in a few days. Did you know that some gyms require 28 days’ notice to cancel? Someone (me) did not read the fine print.

Cancelling my gym contract was a celebratory moment because I actually went, regularly, for 12 whole months. That’s 11 months longer than my last attempt at working out, in my mid-twenties. This time I stuck with it long enough to enjoy it. I got stronger and fitter, and my lungs and heart learned to hurt a little less when I made them pump.

I branched out, past the treadmill. I tried paddle-boarding and rock climbing and golfing and hiking. I mustered up the courage to do a fitness class, in a swimsuit no less, and completed a fairly wild ab challenge. I cut out excess sugar and sourdough. I worked on so many things!

You all helped so much. For nearly four months you gave your tips and words of encouragement, for me and each other. You helped keep me accountable for continuing with this journey, trying new things and sharing the results with you. Thank you.

This is my final Working On It column. It’s not the end of my journey to immortality, not by a long shot. I still want to be able to do a push-up and run for longer than a minute without feeling like my heart will beat out of my chest. But first I need to settle into my new city with my beautiful wife and figure out what my healthy lifestyle can look like there. I’ll need to find a new gym, and new friends to do activities with.

Here’s what has and hasn’t been working for me this past week.

Working: Hiking

I’ve never been hiking because I’m scared of snakes and ticks and spiders the size of my fist. Australia! If I’m to be honest, I also didn’t really ‘get’ hiking. I asked my friend Owen, “it’s just walking, right?” Oh how he laughed and laughed.

We went to the Blue Mountains, just a few hours outside of Sydney. Owen wanted to do a half-day hike but we negotiated down to 1-2 hours because I have a bladder the size of a pea. He picked a gentle touristy hike that involved taking a train down the face of a mountain and walking back up at what felt like a 90 degree angle but probably wasn’t.

The first fifteen minutes were amazing. We were weaving through narrow paths and climbing staircases and stopping to stare at the most incredible mountain range and waterfall. The next half an hour was challenging. My calves started to burn and the trails and stairs got longer and steeper. The last half an hour, well, I don’t really know how I made it. I was panting and sweating hard, even when stopping every five minutes to complain and take selfies in front of the three sisters.

Of all the activities I’ve done this past year, hiking was by far the most physically challenging. I loved it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. There were no spiders or snakes, just lots of fresh air and good company and amazing views to remind me how beautiful the world can be.

Not working: Golfing

I went to a driving range to hit a bucket of balls and sucked pretty hard. I was semi-competent at using one of the irons but then totally terrible at every other club in the bag. My attention span is fairly short and so it only took a few minutes for me to get bored and want to leave; there were no windmills or laughing clown heads or baby alligators to keep me interested. I’m glad I tried it but I think I’ll stick to mini golf from here on.

How’s your week in health and wellness been? Tell me what you’ve been up to.

Working On It, Week 14: Easy As Falling Off A Paddle Board

This week in my journey to better health and more wellness, my sugar consumption is back under control! I haven’t done candy or chocolate in eight days now and I’ve survived, the cravings have gone away. I’ve been hitting the office fruit bowl instead, which is not as delicious as a handful of Allen’s lollies but kiwifruit is still pretty tasty, hey.

My fitness activities have slowed down a lot since I’ve started packing up my life so today I’ve only got a couple of things to talk about that’ve been working for me.

Working: Blogilates

A few of you recommended Cassey Ho’s Blogilates after I mentioned my blossoming love affair with FitnessBlender.com for workouts that can be done (quietly) at home. I still feel like I don’t know much about pilates as an exercise form but I’m very into these videos, so thanks for the tip!

What I’ve been loving about Blogilates:

• Cassey Ho as an instructor. She’s so cheerful! She says a lot of funny things and describes the movements in a unique and endearing way, like to imagine there’s a zombie pulling on your stomach or a penny in your butt. When I’m puffed and hating life, a bit of personality goes a long way in motivating me to finish the workout.
• There’s a lot of gentle encouragement, including reminders to not be ashamed if you’re a beginner and terrible. It’s important and not something that I’ve seen other workout videos mention much.
• This 17-minute beginners workout, which seemed super easy at first but had wrecked me by the end. There have been a few other Blogilates videos that I’ve attempted but I’ve mostly just been focussing on nailing this one.

And a couple of things that I’m not super in love with:

• Most of the videos are fairly short? Between 3-8 minutes. Maybe that’s standard for this kind of exercise? I’m not sure. 30-45 minutes is my personal ideal workout length. Maybe there are longer videos hiding somewhere in the archives; the website is a bit of a mess.
• A lot of the videos are titled things like, “six minutes to a sexy little waist!” and “muffintop massacre!” which is just, no thank you. That kind of marketing that makes me feel like I should be working out to achieve a particular body shape and I get enough of that pressure out in the world, I don’t need it in my bedroom as well. Thankfully it seems to be limited to the titles only; I haven’t experienced any of that shit in the actual video content.

Working: Paddle-boarding

I don’t particularly enjoy sea water, or sand, or being in the sun. It’s very un-Australian. When my surf-loving mate Ben offered to show me how to paddle-board I wasn’t super sure that I was going to have a good time. The thought of standing on a surfboard and rowing myself around just seemed a bit weird. I said yes anyway, ‘cause he was so enthusiastic but also I’m trying to do this personal growth thing where I try not to write off an activity without giving it a red hot go.

We went to a beach which was thankfully as calm as a lake. It was the end of winter and so fucking cold, the sand was like shaved ice. Ben did a demonstration first and then held the board while I climbed on. It wobbled, fast, but then when he let go, my abs took over and it was gold. I padded around and around and around until eventually I got bored.

There’s not much to say about this experience. Both Ben and I assumed that I’d be totally terribly and that would at least make for some laughs and a good story online. To our collective surprise, I was really good at it. I didn’t fall off once! Thanks, 30-day ab challenge! So I had a great time. I’m really passionate about being good at things and staying dry.

How’s your past week been? What’s been working for you? Is anyone still doing the yoga challenge? Do you have an healthy recipe that you want to share? I’ve started a Google doc of healthy meals which can never be long enough, so please do.

Coming up next week: Hiking, and other activities that I thought would be A LOT easier than they are.

Working On It, Week 13: Leaving It All Out on the Ice

feature image modified via shutterstock

This week in my continued effort to not destroy my body, I bought new workout pants. From a place called Lorna Jane, if you want deets. I think it’s an Australian store. I spent ~20 minutes perusing lycra clothing racks, shoulder to shoulder with incredibly fit people with endorphins oozing from their pores. For once, I didn’t feel like a total outsider in a sports store. It seems like progress in terms of my health confidence and viewing myself and my fitness level in a more positive and less shameful light. I doubt I’ll be signing up to the mailing list any time soon but at least I wasn’t nervous that the fit-looking people at the counter would side-eye me as I walked in.

Here’s what has and hasn’t been working for me lately.

Working: Ice skating

I was a little hesitant to say yes to ice skating. I feel like it’s an activity that requires a lot of practice to be even slightly capable, and I’m not sure I enjoy it enough to commit those hours. But I figured if nothing else, it would be good practice for walking around Chicago when I move.

My guide was my bff Owen, a Canadian ice hockey player. He’s ~that guy~ who’s racing around the rink doing fancy maneuvers and making ice fly while you’re pulling yourself along the railing and rolling your eyes. He made me hire ice hockey skates instead of the recreational ice skates but my ankles kept buckling inward every time I stepped out onto the ice. About one hour and three size adjustments later, I was ready to go! Excruciatingly slowly and awkwardly.

https://youtu.be/LX4_iDYYV70

“Am I going so fast that I’m blurry?”

I wasn’t.

I was terrible. It took twenty minutes to muster up the courage to leave the side railing. Then half an hour later, I was good enough to avoid falling on my ass but too tense to really let go and have a good time. Partly because little fearless children kept skating right into my path, it was hellishly stressful.

I don’t think I enjoyed ice skating enough to be adding it to my future fitness regimen anytime soon. However I’m still chalking it up as a successful fitness experience, given it was a solid workout and also an activity that’s pretty far outside my comfort zone.

Not working: Sugar-free work/life

Recently it came to my attention that I have possibly developed a little sugar addiction? A few weeks ago my boss banned candy and biscuits in the office because the weather is warming up and he thinks we should all be starting to think about our “summer bodies.”

Apart from my mild disgust at the phrase “summer bodies” and mandatory group dieting, I didn’t have a problem with the new ‘no sugar’ rule. I honestly didn’t expect it to impact my life whatsoever but whaddaya know, I’ve been dealing with intense sugar cravings ever since. At 3pm I’m sneaking off to the gas station for a cheeky Caramello Koala like a teen sneaking away to smoke weed.

This realisation isn’t a huge deal, in the grand scheme of things; on one hand sugar in large quantities does fairly terrible things to your body and on the other, I don’t ingest a tonne of it and I’ve had unhealthier addictions. Still, I’ve decided to go cold turkey for the next three weeks, which is the same amount of time I have left in Sydney. Health benefits aside, it’s something I’ve wanted to wean myself off anyway, as my gal pal can’t eat much sugar and I don’t wanna be smashing cheesecake on the couch while she’s left to snack on celery.

Has anyone cut out added sugars before? Do you have any tips or motivating experiences? It’s not realistic or desirable to cut back on sugar completely; it’s in so many things and life’s a little busy to be too fussy about what I eat. But as a start, from this week I’ll cut out the midnight mini ice creams and gas station candies and anything else with obvious added sugar. Wish me luck! God knows I’ll need it.

How’s your past week been? Is anyone still doing the yoga challenge? Have you tried any new healthy things? Tell me everything.

Also if you haven’t joined the Working On It social group, you could.

Working On It, Week 12: There’s No Crying In Baseball

feature image modified via shutterstock

This week in my ongoing effort to transform into a healthy human, I started the 30 Day Yoga Challenge from the beginning. Are you sick of me talking about this challenge? I feel like I’ve been talking about it for a damn age. I think it’s because I’ve only been talking, not doing. This week I finally started doing.

I feel like a giant klutz. That’s my #1 feeling re: yoga. It’s making me super mindful of precisely how uncoordinated and inflexible I am. Is anyone else finding it difficult to do any poses that require straight legs? I cannot extend my legs straight in any position that’s not ‘standing.’ Even then, my posture is shithouse. I’m assuming the coordination and flexibility will improve over time. I’m not too worried. I just feel like a giant wearing concrete shoes.

Yoga is testing my patience in what I assume is a positive way? I don’t know. I’m impatient. Sometimes it’s frustrating to take several minutes to do something that could be done in five seconds. So I’m trying to slow myself down and right now it feels like forced relaxation but I’m hoping that will feel less forced in the future.

Here are some things that have been working for me:

Aqua Aerobics

I DID IT. I went to a group fitness class all by myself. Specifically, the Saturday morning Aqua Aerobics class at my local gym. I really wanted to conquer my fear of group fitness classes and the general consensus from y’all was to ease into with something low impact like yoga or aqua aerobics first.

I chose the aqua aerobics purely based on convenience, schedule-wise, and because I was unsure whether I had to bring my own yoga mat. I slightly regret not choosing yoga but that’s mostly because 12 hours and two showers later, I still reek of chlorine so bad.

Overall, it was a good time! I spent 45 minutes running around a pool with some elderly ladies, all of whom gave me encouraging smiles and helpful information on which floating apparatuses I needed to have lined up poolside for class.

The instructor was fine, although she probably could have been more descriptive. She’d yell things like, “NOW TRANSITION INTO A ROCK & ROLL, YEAHH! CAN YOU FEEL THE BURN IN YOUR DELTS? PUNCH IT OUT! WOOOOO” but never stopping to demonstrate what a ‘rock and roll’ is, or to remind me where my deltoids are so that I can feel for the burn. I had to make up quite a few moves.

I didn’t feel like the class pushed me very hard aerobically, although my feeling is it’s probably not supposed to. That’s fine because being challenged still terrifies me. I’m happy that it was a super non-intimidating experience and am already hoping to make it back next week.

Batting cages

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’ve started saying ‘yes’ to all the sporty activities that my friends sometimes invite me to. First up was indoor rock-climbing (which I loved and have done three times since!) and then there was the batting cages.

I leapt at the chance to do this one because I played softball for a few years in high school. I was the team captain, even. So I assumed that I wouldn’t be completely terrible. I was wrong! Batting cages don’t come with the slow pitches of fifteen year olds, or at least ours didn’t. I only managed to hit roughly 1 out of 6 balls, and only half of those would’ve gotten me to a base. Still, it was such a rad time. I started getting better and hitting every second ball, right up until my arms died or I got bored. I don’t remember which came first. 

What I got the most from this activity was the realisation that it’s actually really nice to socialise in the fresh air and sunshine? Which makes me sounds like a cave-person, probably, and maybe I am. Usually socialising means going out for drinks and dinner after dark. I walked away from this day feeling so much healthier, even though I’m sure I hardly burned any calories or lifted my heart rate at all.

Also, I liked it because it made me look cool.

What have you been up to this week? Is there something that has or hasn’t been working for you? Have you said ‘yes’ to any more things? Did you listen to the playlist? Tell me everything.

Working On It, Week 11: This is Our Workout Playlist

This week in striving for immortality, my toe has healed nicely from the trampolining incident and I’ve been doing okay but not wonderfully at refraining from stress smoking and not stress-eating all the sourdough. It’s not easy, this willpower thing. There have been some setbacks but thanks to encouraging words on and offline, I’ve been powering on.

I’ll be moving to Chicago in one month! Hot damn. Cold damn? My weeks are getting busy; there are so, so many things to tie up or shut down, and lots of people to spend time with and say goodbye to. Getting to the gym more than twice a week is starting to feel impossible and so I’ve been turning to Fitness Blender for more convenient at-home workouts. Right now I’m really digging this 30-minute cardio video followed by this 10-minute ab workout.

I really want to try some different at-home workout websites soon, most likely beginning with Darebee and Blogilates given that many of you have been singing their praises. Any suggestions for others I should try?

If you’ve been doing the 30 Day Yoga Challenge, how’s that been going for you? A few of you seemed to be digging it pretty hard last week. I was half-assing it because of the toe situation and so I’ve decided that this week I’ll start over from Day One.

Our workout playlist is ready! The genre mix is definitely diverse but that’s expected, we did real good. It got me through this super intense 1,000 calorie HIIT workout that I feel great about completing but also never want to do again. Ever! Cheers to everyone who contributed.

Working On It Playlist

Lose Control (feat. Ciara & Fat Man Scoop) – Missy Elliott
Crazy in Love – Beyoncé & JAY Z
Closer – Tegan and Sara
Dancing On My Own – Robyn
Highway to Hell – AC/DC
Thnks fr th Mmrs – Fall Out Boy
Run the World (Girls) – Beyoncé
Going Mobile – Original Album Version – The Who
I Wanna Get Better – Bleachers
On The Floor – Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull
Rompe – Daddy Yankee
Hey Hey – BYNON & BISHØP
Tik Tok – Glee Cast
Sunday Morning – No Doubt
Trouble – P!nk
Work It – Missy Elliott
St. Patrick – Pvris
Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen
B.O.B. – OutKast
September – Earth, Wind & Fire
Jin Go Lo Ba – Fatboy Slim
Heart Of A Champion – Nelly
Applause – Lady Gaga
Bamboo Bones – Against Me!
Ready to Go – Panic! At The Disco
Indestructible – Disturbed
The Anthem – Good Charlotte
Something New – Axwell^Ingrosso & Axwell & Sebastian Ingrosso
The Veldt – Radio Edit – deadmau5;Chris James
Time To Run – Lord Huron
Loca People (What the F**k!”) – Sak Noel
Real Love – Clean Bandit & Jess Glynne
Temperature – Sean Paul
Dancing In The Dark – Rihanna
Ex’s & Oh’s – Elle King
T.O.A.B. – Sevendust
Olympians – Fuck Buttons

Coming up next week: I did a group fitness class! In water!

How’s this past week been for you? Have you been working on a thing? Have you had more success staying active at work? Tell me your latest.

Working On It, Week 10: Getting Off My Ass At Work

This past week in trying to live forever, I’ve been doing lots of stress relieving activities. Since fucking up my toe trampolining I haven’t been able to do much else. So, I’ve been focussing on short meditations and getting lots of nutritious foods and doing outdoorsy human interactions, which has all been making me feel pretty swell.

What’s really not working right now is that I’ve been stress-smoking a lot. It’s bumming me out in a big way. I want to be someone who’s stronger than that. I want to move to Chicago in two months as a non-smoker and really mean it. Unsurprisingly, beating myself up doesn’t help the situation, it just makes me feel helpless and like a total failure and I get more stressed and smoke more.

On a happier note, my toe is getting better. I’m back to walking now, after spending the week taking the bus. And while higher impact exercises are still out, I’ve been doing whatever parts of the 30 Day Yoga Challenge that I can. Have you been doing it? How’s that going?

This week I thought we’d talk about the best ways to stay active if you spend most of your day sitting, whether it be because you’re studying or working a desk job or in another profession that requires lots of bum time. If this doesn’t apply to you, this week’s article might be a bit dull, I’m sorry! Take comfort in the thought that you’ll probably out-live us all.

Earlier this year, all kinds of concerning research said that sitting down for 4+ hours a day increases the risk of cancer, cardiovascular disease and diabetes, even among people who exercise regularly. I sit down for roughly 10 hours a day and that’s not likely to change in the future. So, in addition to quitting smoking permanently, spending less time on my ass while at work has become a recent goal of mine.

Here are a few little things that have been working for me:

Using a Desktop Timer

For me, remembering to stand up at regular intervals is most of the battle. Activity Timer really helps with that. Every 30 minutes it prompts me to stand up and do something good for my body, like stretching or stair-climbing or sneaking into the meeting room for a cheeky plank. I’ve made sure to add plenty of liquid-related activities so that I can improve my hydration while improving my lifespan. Two birds, etc. Plus I figured out that by refilling my water bottle in the kitchen instead of the bathroom, I’ll be doubling my # of business hour steps.

Phone a Pal

I spend most lunch breaks standing outside my office, chatting to my gal pal in Chicago. For whatever reason, it never crossed my mind that I could be talking and walking. Wild, I know. I guess my brain is still learning how to see the healthier alternative to everyday things. So, I’ve started strolling around the block during those calls and my legs and body are a lot happier for it. If you have a convenient person to call then give it a go.

But Don’t Phone Colleagues

I work on the top level of a 3-story townhouse, which means there are 15-30 steps separating me from the majority of my co-workers. I figured out that by walking to their desks instead of using the phone or email, I can probably climb about 400 steps per day. At first the idea of approaching colleagues directly felt a little disruptive but thankfully everyone has been chill about it. If your colleagues are less receptive to face-to-face interactions, maybe you could just stand up whenever you’re on the phone.

Make Everyone a Hot Beverage

Offering to make tea/coffee for every team member in the vicinity will put you on the fast track for promotion. But more than that, it’s a pretty safe excuse to leave your desk for a while. No-one will accuse you of slacking if you’re always bringing them green tea, trust. My office has 8 people in it which buys me about ~10 minutes of movement.

Volunteer to Run Errands

I’ve started looking for little jobs around the office that will take me away from my desk. In the past week I’ve been taking out the trash, buying the communal milk, cleaning the kitchen and stocking the bathrooms. Basically all the chores that my co-workers pretend not to notice need doing. The downside is that I need to get my hands dirty. The upside is that I’m one step closer to immortality.

Ask For Standing Space

I’ve asked my boss if he’d buy a standing desk for everyone in the office to use when they needed a break from sitting. A handful of co-workers backed up my request and he agreed to install one when we move to a new space. I won’t be there to benefit but still, it’s nice that asking for healthier workspace worked out. Maybe y’all could try it out on your bosses.

So that’s what’s been working for me so far, in terms of getting off my ass more often during the day. Is this something you’ve struggled with? Do you have any neat tips? Let us know in the comments! Especially if you work in another types of environments; I can only speak to what’s been effective in an office.

Coming up next week: Our playlist!

Working On It, Week 9: And Then I Broke My Toe

Gather around, friends. Let me tell you a story about my past week in health and wellness.

Remember last week, when I was saying “yes” to everything? One of those things was a cardio trampoline class with my co-workers. That’s exactly what it sounds like — a cardio class held on trampolines. I’d vowed to challenge myself more, and trying this was the first step. Step-upville: population me. Going with a small crowd of co-workers made it less scary; if I made a fool of myself then I was almost certain they would as well.

The venue was this big warehouse style space with wall-to-wall trampolines.

The beginners class started easy, with basic jumps where you move arms and legs like different animals while in the air (“NOW JUMP LIKE A FROG!”) or landing on your butt and bouncing back up.

Then it started getting real. We began bouncing higher and further and longer, which worked a surprising number of muscles and left everyone gasping for air.

Then we started doing sprints. Running up and down the trampolines, trying to keep balance while also not trying to eat it on the foam dividers in between, which required some precision that I now know I am not capable of.

During my fifth or sixth sprint, my clumsy size 11 foot caught the foam divider and I ate the trampoline. Hard.

Cartoon recap by Stef Schwartz

But it’s just a trampoline, right? So I bounced straight back up and kept on sprinting. That’s what Abby Wambach would’ve done. Where’s my world cup.

When the class finished and I stepped back on solid ground, I knew straight away that I’d fucked my foot. My big toe is now a nice dark purple marbled hue and hurts like hell to walk on.

So.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to continue being physically active with this injury, which is stressful. All activities that I’m currently digging — the yoga challenge, ab exercises and home workout videos — are out. Even my daily walks are out. I’ve had to start taking the bus to work, which makes me frustrated and grumpy although hopefully not for too long.

What’s making me most anxious, to be real with you, is the potential impact that inactivity might have on my body shape. I don’t generally sweat it when clothes start feeling a little tight, however, right now I have a nicely tailored wedding suit hanging in my closet that needs to fit my body in two months. There’s no excess fabric for it to be ‘let out’ and I won’t have the cash to buy a Plan B outfit. So if it doesn’t fit, it’ll be jeans and a t-shirt and being disowned by my family — again. Weddings! Such pressure.

So anyway, I’ve begun trying to adapt and come up with gentle exercise routine that doesn’t put weight on my foot. Here are a few little things that have worked so far:

• Upper body weight machines at the gym
• A core workout with leg raises, side crunches and twists
• The exercise bike
• Lots and lots of limping up and down the stairs at work

Have you ever had to work around an injury before? How did you go about adapting your exercise routine, or creating a new one? How did you handle the frustration of not being as active as you had been? Some of you have briefly mentioned having injuries and physical conditions far more serious than my sore toe, so if you’d like share anything about your experiences please do.

Also, if you’ve ever broken your toe and have some tips on foot-friendly exercises then I’d love to hear them.

Oh, and, despite the injury, trampolining was actually a blast. I don’t regret saying yes. It was a surprisingly intense workout and I can’t wait to do it again, although maybe I’ll be running a little more slowly next time.

Before I sign off, I want to ask you a question.

What’s your favourite workout song? That one track that just really gets you going. I need new gym music and so I’d like to make a Working On It playlist on Spotify, crowd-sourced from everyone who reads this column. Or multiple playlists, if our music tastes end up being all over the place.

I’ve got a several favourite workout jams but if I had to choose just one, I think it would be Sevendusts’ “T.O.A.B”. Or maybe Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”? This is a hard question. I’m sorry. I still want you to answer it, please. Thank you.

What have you been up to this week? What are your working on? Did you start the 30 Day Yoga Challenge? Did you say yes to trying something new? How did that go for you? Tell me all about it.

Also, if you’ve been enjoying this column then there’s a social group that you might like to join.

Coming up next week: Doing your desk job without feeling like a sloth, and hopefully a kick-ass playlist.

Working On It, Week 8: Saying Yes To Mental Health

This week in my quest for immortality, I’ve been saying “yes” to a bunch of new things. I’ve come to the realisation that my fear of looking dumb in front of people has been holding me back from finding new physical activities to love, and so I need a little help stepping outside my comfort zone. So, I called up every friend in my city who enjoys sporty stuff and asked them to come hold my hand as I try a new thing.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be hiking, surfing, paddle boarding, ice skating, golfing, trampolining and playing baseball and indoor cricket. I don’t know if I’ll actually fall in love with some of these activities. Paddle boarding looks pretty ridiculous and I’m skeptical. But I think I’d still like to try, even if it’s just to practice not caring about being shit at a sporty thing.

In other news, I’m continuing to love the heck out of Stop, Breathe + Think, the meditation app that I wrote about a few weeks ago. Did you try it? What did you think? I ended up taking on Dina’s suggestion to pay for access to the k.d. lang-led meditations. NO REGRETS.

Here’s what has and hasn’t been working for me lately:

Working: Rock climbing

The first thing I said yes to was climbing rocks. My friend Mon had invited me to the indoor climbing centre on previous occasions and so I texted her to see if the invitation was still good. It was! I felt safe and chilled with Mon as my guide. She’s also my dentist, so I figured if she can be supportive and non-judgmental re my flossing efforts, then she’ll be supportive and non-judgmental re my climbing efforts, too.

I got pretty into it. I’d been nervous about my lack of upper body strength but it’s true what they say, about rock climbing being mostly about the legs. I stuck to the entry level walls. Sometimes I went all the way to the top and other times just whenever it got too hard. Patience isn’t a strength, and I think climbing takes patience. When Mon reached a difficult peak, she’d stop to consider her next move and hang there ’til she figured it out. Not me. I’d look around, mentally shrug and signal for her to lower me down.

I’m feeling super good and happy about having tried a new physical thing. It was really fun, too. Now, four hours later, my body is starting to ache like it got a somewhat decent workout. We’re going back next month and I already can’t wait. A+, highly recommend.

Not working: Being chill

My brain is a pressure cooker right now and I’m not certain what to do about it. Short meditations have been great at helping me wind down but they’re only effective right before sleep. When I try in the morning and afternoon it only takes a hot second to revert back to being the most highly strung.

I think part of my problem is that I’m a fixer. Usually at the first sign of stress I’ll run to find some practical solution that’ll make everything chill again. I can’t do that this time because there’s nothing to fix. I’m moving overseas which means so many wonderful amazing things. But also some terrifying things, like leaving known comforts like friends and family and pay cheques. Best case scenario is I’ll be unemployed for only three months, and there’s not a damn thing I can do to change it. It’s stressing me the heck out.

So, I’d like to start doing some activities that will hopefully benefit my mental health and ward off nervous breakdowns. This is a brand new focus area for me and I’m not confident about where to start. How do you take care of your feelings and your brain? If you have suggestions please call them out.

Working: Yoga

A few weeks ago I mentioned attempting and enjoying Adriene’s beginner yoga videos. At first I struggled with copying the poses while looking at my computer screen and trying to maintain my balance but that’s starting to get easier. What’s really working for me in terms of motivation is remembering how amazing and straight my spine feels after each workout, and also how adorable it sounds when Adriene says “y’all”.

This week I’m beginning Adriene’s 30 Day Yoga Challenge. Last week a few of you mentioned wanting to do it with me — if you’re still keen, let’s start this week! Any day you like. To everyone else, sorry in advance for banging on about it in the next four posts.

Enough about me. How has your past week in health and wellness been? Is there anything you’ve been kicking ass at or struggling with? Let us know in the comments! And if you haven’t yet heard, we’ve set up a Working On It social group. It’d be pretty cool if you join us.

One last thing:
Last week some of you expressed interest in there being a little more group participation and engagement, so I’ve decided that every now and then I’ll throw down a little challenge that isn’t tied down to a particular type of exercise. And if you’re not into it then no worries! It won’t be for everyone. But if you are keen, here’s this week’s:

Say ‘yes’ to something. I don’t mean force yourself to accept an invitation to do a thing you’ll hate. I just mean that if you’ve ever thought a particular activity looked fun or interesting — a fitness class, a cooking class, a social sports thing, etc — but you’ve never made a move to find out, take the first step this week. Text a friend, do some research, get the ball rolling. Tell me what you’re going to say yes to in the comments.

Coming up next week: :(

Interview With My Queer BFF: Crystal Interviews Desiree

Header by Rory Midhani

Far too often our queerness is only discussed in three contexts: relationships, family and politics. But our queerness plays a role in our friendships with other queers, too, and that’s what this series is all about. In honor of Gal Pal Week, welcome to “Interview With My Queer BFF,” in which gals interview their best queer pals about their exciting queer paldom. And by “gal pals” we don’t mean “girlfriends” or “wives” … we mean GAL PALS.

Today, HR Director Crystal is interviewing her BFF Desiree.

Crystal: How did we meet?

Desiree: It was at an Autostraddle meet up in Sydney, you had organised this thing at a weird hipster lesbian bar that had couches everywhere.

C: That’s right! It was the very first Autostraddle Sydney meet-up. I had no idea what that venue was, just that it looked like a place that a bunch of queers could comfortably sit and meet.

D: It was. I had no idea what Autostraddle was at the time, I was only there because Dina [wife] wanted to go. You and I didn’t talk at all.

C: No, we didn’t. I spent the night talking to people who were significantly younger than me, about television shows and university and other things that I had no idea about. I regretted not speaking to you. Even from the other side of the couches there were these good vibes, I was so curious about you.

D: At least you got in touch later and asked if we wanted to hang out. We went to a bar or something, and immediately clicked. We were both really into Castle at the time and so we bonded over that.

C: Yes! We both shipped Castle and Beckett. That was a strange time in my life, god. Beckett, what a babe. How long ago was that?

D: It was late 2010. It was a few months before I went to Hawaii to get married.

C: I think you’re right.

D: I am right. It was not long after you and Riese had recapped Skins. I know because I internet stalked you. Just a little.

C: That’s cute. The next question is how long we’ve been best friends, but I think we need to take a step back first. Are we best friends? We’ve never had that talk.

D: I don’t know. Are we? You’re definitely my best Australian friend, although I think at this point you’ve surpassed my American best friends. I don’t talk to them as much as I talk to you.

C: Okay, sweet. I’m glad we’ve established that we’re going steady. This feels like a big moment for us. Clearly I feel the same way, given I asked you to do this BFF interview. When do you think that transition happened, from friends to best friends?

D: It developed slowly. We emailed for a really long time before we started hanging out regularly. I’m not sure if I can pinpoint a specific time when everything changed.

C: For me, things started changing two years in. I remember that timeframe because one day we were walking somewhere and you turned to me and said, “We’ve known each other for two years but I still don’t know anything about you”. The moment stayed with me. I think it was so impactful because it had been a long time since someone had made me feel like they really cared to know who I was. Something changed in me, that day. We started growing closer and I started opening up to a few other people as well.

Also, that one time you helped me move out of my ex’s place and then we went to a pub and got drunk and took photo booth photos. That felt like a very best friend thing to do.

C: So why are we best friends and not girlfriends?

D: Well, I’ve been in a relationship the entire time that I’ve known you. You have too, mostly. For a while you were the only person I knew who had been in a long-term relationship like mine. Also, we are way too similar.

C: Yes! Waaaayy too similar.

D: We would have the most boring relationship.

C: We’d just sit around quietly watching Castle re-runs.

D: It would be — it is — a great friendship. But in a romantic relationship, at least for me, the other person needs to have things that I don’t, and vice versa.

C: I feel the same way. I’ve only ever been in relationships with people who have different emotional needs and personality types. I feel like my perspective is forever being broadened and challenged, and I love that.

D: Exactly. Dating someone exactly like me would get so boring. You and I would have a really stable relationship, though. We’d never fight. And if we did, we’d resolve it the next day. I’d be really stubborn in the moment but then give me 24 hours and I’ll admit I’m wrong, even if I’m not.

C: Really? That would work perfectly because I never admit to being wrong about anything. 24 hours is too long, though. I’d be over it within 24 minutes. Most fights end with me losing interest almost immediately and pushing for a change of subject, even if I was the one who set things on fire.

D: Now I’m going to revise my answer because I also always want conflict to be over immediately. I think it’s why I’m quick to say I’m wrong. I’d rather have the fight be over with than “win”.

C: You know what we would never argue about? Clothes. We would have such a great clothing situation.

D: Oh yeah. That part is a shame, isn’t it. We’re the same size and we already wear the exact same clothes. We could double our wardrobe. That’s the real downside of us not dating.

C: What is the most annoying thing about me? That I’m moving to America?

D: Yes! That is so annoying. That aside, this is a really hard question. I don’t think there’s anything annoying about you. Do you think we could be in some kind of friendship honeymoon phase?

C: Maybe. Or maybe I’m just not annoying.

D: Oh no, wait. You’re really hard to read. That’s annoying.

C: I have heard that before, I’ll be honest. From every person I’ve ever met, actually.

D: I think because I spend a lot of time on the internet, I see so many people having these extreme reactions to absolutely everything, their feelings are amplified by a thousand. But you’re so leveled out. It can be hard to tell how you feel, like whether you’re into something or not.

C: That’s fair. In case you want to know, and I bet you do, your most annoying habit is being ridiculously nice. It’s obviously one of my favourite things about you but sometimes it’s difficult to witness because I feel protective and don’t want anyone to ever take advantage of your kindness.

D: I think the thing is that I just really hate drama and so I let things go quickly. But so do you! I know you understand that.

C: I think you take it to a new level, though. Your chill is inspiring. I don’t recall ever hearing you say negative things about people or casting judgement on their choices, and that’s something I really admire and want in life.

D: That’s interesting because being non judgmental is actually not something that comes naturally, but in the years I’ve known you it’s become a thing that I try really hard at. I think it’s also partially Autostraddle’s influence, the whole “You Do You” mantra.

C: That is interesting, I had no idea. Speaking of learning things, though, what have you learned from our friendship?

D: Well, when I first met you I knew nothing about queer culture. I’d probably only seen Better Than Chocolate.

C: What’s that?

D: A movie.

C: Oh, right. Sorry, continue telling me how I taught you about queer culture.

D: I didn’t know who Tegan and Sara were! I remember asking you one day, like “who the hell are Tegan and Sara and why is everyone on Autostraddle so obsessed with them?” It wasn’t just pop culture, though. Our friendship helped me to get more in touch with the queer community in general. I started going to Autostraddle meet-ups and A-Camps.

I sort of hate the phrasing of this question. What I’ve “learned” makes me think that my answer should be how to basket weave, or something.

C: I wish we could both basket weave. We could start a cool basket club.

D: I’d like to reframe this to be what I admire most about you, which seems fair given you just made me admit what annoys me. You’re a really brave person. I know for both of us, maybe me more than you, we can be a little scared to put ourselves out there. But you do it all the time with your writing! You put out these really personal articles and I think “man, I could never just open myself up like that to a bunch of internet strangers”. I can barely write an internet comment, or a tweet, or a Facebook post without over-thinking it to the point where I give up and don’t do it at all.

So you really inspire me to try and put myself into situations where I’m not 100 per cent comfortable. Honestly, it’s the only reason I’m doing this interview with you. I’m not sure anyone else could have convinced me.

C: Now that you’ve brought it up, I was kinda surprised you agreed to this. I didn’t say anything in case you second-guessed it and took back your very reluctant compliance.

My biggest learning from our friendship is that the right people will think being my friend is worth it any hard work that may come with. Because I worry about that, being difficult to read and slow to open up to people. They aren’t the easiest conditions for friend-making. But you’ve always been so patient with me, despite your comment about it being annoying. You’ve never pushed me to give or show more than what I’m comfortable with. That gives me hope for making new friends in America.

What role would I play at your wedding?

D: I wouldn’t put you in the spotlight, because I know you don’t like that. You would still be in my bridal party though, just not as the main person. That would be my sister.

C: That sounds great. I guess call me if you ever renew your vows.

D: It does suck that you weren’t at my wedding. We were friends but not ‘fly to Hawaii for a wedding’ friends. Although even if I had invited you, I’m not sure you would’ve come.

C: Probably not. It was too soon. Sometimes I get sad about that too. I know now that having a friend who would fly halfway around the world for your wedding is such a special thing. I wish I could’ve been there for yours.

Your role at my wedding would be the important logistical responsibilities because I’d trust you more than anyone else to get shit done. You’d help to set up and make sure that the photographer and DJ get their pay cheques at the end of the night. My wedding sounds really un-fun for you, I’m sorry.

D: I love responsibilities! I’d like those jobs.

C: Rad. I’m writing that down for later. The final question: what is the most embarrassing thing you’ve seen me do?

D: I think you try pretty hard not to be embarrassing ever. Your dancing is a little embarrassing but even then it’s also kind of great, I’d like to see you do it more often. You are a very non-embarrassing person.

C: This feels like a really great message to close with.

Working On It, Week 7: Zombie Abs

This week in fitness, my abs are rock hard six-packs of steel, or at least slightly more present than they were a few of weeks ago. I can do ONE HUNDRED sit ups, which seemed impossible on Day One. I’ve never completed one hundred anythings. If you’ve been doing this with me, how’s it going for you?

I’m on Day 25 and I want to quit, which feels silly given I’m so close to the end. I’ve started realising that, while it’s cool that my abs can now do a wild amount of crunches, I have no desire to keep hitting such high targets. I’d prefer to focus on establishing a realistic daily ab routine that ideally doesn’t involve spending ~40 minutes each evening panting on my bedroom floor. The problem there is that I have no idea what an adequate daily ab routine is. 50 sit ups? 80 crunches? No clue. If you have one that successfully maintains your core then I’d love to hear about it.

Also, how do you feel about me amping up the group participation a little? I was thinking maybe we could tackle more of these short challenges together, or find new ways to motivate each other towards immortality. Maybe I can throw down a new challenge each week or month, or you could suggest one. I’ll ponder this a little more but if you have feelings about it, please share them in the comments.

Here’s what has and hasn’t been working for me lately:

Working: Yoga

After having such a positive experience with using meditation to de-stress my life, I’ve been wondering whether yoga would be a good addition to my routine. I know very little about the practice but it seems like something that could potentially have the same chill factor as meditation but with the added benefits of improving strength and flexibility.

So, so many of you have recommended the Yoga with Adriene YouTube series that using it as my starting point was a no-brainer. I’ve done her Yoga for Complete Beginners video twice now; it’s twenty minutes of the yoga basics: breathing, warrior pose, downward dog, and a few more. I’m finding it to be physically challenging but in a super gentle and non-intimidating way; the poses aren’t held for long and there’s focus on moving the body in ways that feel good instead of perfect (which I suspect comes later).

Watching the video instruction while also trying to hold the poses is one of my biggest struggles. It’s difficult to tell whether I’ve really manoeuvred my body into the same shape as Adriene’s body when my my face is planted into the mat and my ass is in the air. Maybe that’s something that becomes easier once you do it more often and can commit each pose to memory. The good news is that my spine has never been forced into such straightness. It feels AMAZING, and maybe, hopefully, over time these exercises might help to correct my chronic slouching.

A few weeks ago Tippibird and Yvonne recommended Blogilates, an online body strength/pilates/yoga workout, so I hope to check that one out soon too.

Now that the ab challenge is (almost) out of my life, I’m planning to attempt Adriene’s 30 Day Yoga Challenge. Does anyone want to do it with me? If so, let’s start after next week’s column. I’ll remind you. I’ve been told that it’s fine for beginners, although maybe if you’re completely new to yoga like me then it wouldn’t hurt to also have a crack at some beginner videos in preparation.

Working: Gilmore Guys

While discussing gym-friendly podcasts in the first column, Maddie recommended Gilmore Guys. Do you know it? You probably know it. I’m the last to know about most things.

As you may have assumed (although I didn’t, because it felt too good to be true), Gilmore Guys is a podcast where The Gilmore Girls is discussed in depth, episode by episode. The dudes spend an hour having the kind of recap conversations that I wish I could’ve had with my college friends a decade ago, if only they weren’t too busy paying me out for loving the hell out of this show. Recent topics that have spoken to my heart include how Emily Gilmore is the superior Gilmore, and how all the men are underwritten and no one cares.

It’s not always the perfect conversation; I’m three episodes in and there have been a few side-eyes thrown. Overall, though, it’s a great length to soundtrack a solid treadmill or elliptical workout.

Have you been listening to any rad podcasts lately? I’d love some more recommendations.

Not working: Zombies, Run!

Since this column started and even before that, many people have been singing me the highest praises of Zombies, Run!

If you’re not familiar then the deal with this app, I think, is that you run away from zombies and it’s meant to make you a better distance runner, or enjoy it more, or both. I hate zombies and I hate distance running, so I assumed this app wasn’t right for me. However! I’m trying out this new thing where I actually test things out before writing it off. It’s ground-breaking thought leadership, I know.

by intern nikki

My instincts were right; I tried it multiple times and couldn’t get into it. There was a silver lining, though. Those few minutes of running reminded me of how hard and fast my heart is capable of beating, which’s motivated me to push it to the max more often. As such, this week I’ve been adding a few minute-long sprints to my uphill power-walking and it’s feeling pretty great so far. Soon I’ll try Couch to 5K.

How has your past week in health and wellness been? Is there anything you’ve been kicking ass at or struggling with? Let us know in the comments! And if you haven’t yet heard, we’ve set up a Working On It social group. It’d be pretty cool if you join.

Coming up next week: I think I’ll talk a little about mental health.

Working On It, Week 6: Better Lunching

feature image via shutterstock

This past week in health and wellness, I’ve been tackling the ab challenge LIKE A CHAMP. It’s Day 18 and I’m still dying but in a weird feel-good kind of way. I’m not entirely over how quickly the challenge is escalating. 80 sit-ups is a lot. But we’re doing it! Are you still doing it? Did you stop? It’s okay if you’ve stopped. I tried the 30 Day Squat Challenge last week but never mentioned it because I quit on the first day. It hurt.

This column is really kicking my ass into gear; I really have to stretch my brain and my body to attempt enough new things to talk about each week. Today I’m just focussing on one healthy habit in particular, but it’s one that quite a few of you have talked about struggling with, so.

Working: Not eating all the bread

As I mentioned last week, I’ve been eating too much bread on a day-to-day basis. I’m not a believer in no/low carb diets. This is more a matter of my bread to vegetable to protein ratio is being consistently waaaayy off and I need to slow my roll a little. Just a tiny bit, though, ’cause nothing feels as good as freshly baked sourdough tastes. Pretty sure Kate Moss said that.

The easy part is that I know exactly what needs to be cut back — the delicious thick-cut toast with Vegemite and butter that I’ve been turning to on cold winter mornings, and the deli meat sandwich that my great aunt packs me for lunch most days. The hard part was asking her to stop, ’cause I know it’s how she shows love. I lied, saying my employer provides lunch now. I’m not proud.

My evening meals consist of enough bread, rice, pasta and other carbohydrates that I’ll be in no way deficient if I switch to low carb, high protein breakfasts and lunches. So, developing that habit is my focus for this month.

Breakfast

The breakfast substitute is easy. As I mentioned, Greek yogurt. It’s delicious and filling, and the office fridge is already stocked with it. I bargained with myself that if I eat yogurt Monday to Thursday, then I can get wild and buy toast on Fridays. It’s been successful so far. Last Friday the toast tasted EVEN BETTER because I’d been hanging for it all week.

I guess there’s also fruit? I’m not a fan of fruit except mangoes, stone fruits and berries, although they’re usually too expensive or not in season. I feel like a child whenever I admit this out loud.

Lunches

Not as easy! However I did come up with some super basic but nutritious meals that can be chopped and thrown together quickly at home or work using ingredients sourced from a standard grocery store. I believe the lingo is “no cook.” I buy my ingredients on the way to work and prepare lunches there, ‘though you may prefer to do it home, many people do.

These aren’t gourmet lunches, they mostly involve cutting raw stuff and putting it on a plate. Many use the same ingredients on repeat (cucumber, tomato, etc) because it’s often more affordable to buy fresh produce in pounds/bags/buckets and use any left-overs in night-time meals throughout the week.

What I ate last week:

• Whole grain crackers, canned tuna, avocado, lime, cracked pepper.
• A salad of chickpeas, cucumbers, bell peppers/capsicum, tomato, leftover avocado.
• Iceberg lettuce with cottage cheese, fresh mushrooms, sprouts, grated carrot.
• Chopped salad with the leftover salad ingredients, plus turkey breast and cheese.
• Carrot sticks and hummus.

What I’ll try to eat this week:

• Whole grain crackers, tomato, cottage cheese, cracked pepper.
• Carrot and celery with eggplant dip.
• Iceberg lettuce wrap with skinless rotisserie chicken, sliced tomato and cucumber.
• Chopped salad of iceberg lettuce, tomato, cucumber, carrot and whatever meat is left over.

As an aside, lately on the internet I’ve been seeing collard greens being used as a bread substitute. I’ve never seen collard greens at my local supermarket, however it seems like a swell idea if they’re accessible to you. I tried to do a similar thing with iceberg lettuce leaves and it was okay but not great.

Also, if you’re interested in low carb meals that actually require cooking, last week reader Charlie recommended I Breathe… I’m Hungry and Peace, Love and Low Carb, and everything looks delicious.

Snacks

I bought carrot sticks and hummus for snacking but then discovered that these non-bread based lunches took away all desire to snack during the day. Go figure. So, I ate them for lunch instead. A+.

I’m sorry that I didn’t make this look cute for you

Transport

If I wasn’t living out a lie at home, I’d be super tempted to buy one of those sweet bento lunch boxes and bring lunches from home. Butch Bento is pretty amazing tumblr to check out if you want to get serious about your bento game. There’s also this Autostraddle article about lunches (which includes Laneia’s bento suggestions) and this one about eating like a queen at work.

What is your breakfast and lunch situation? Do you have any tips for quick, healthy meals? Do you have any go-to recipe sites or cooking blogs? I’d love to hear about them.

If you’re new to this column and want a place to chat about health and wellness with queers, maybe you’ll like our Working On It social group.

Coming up next week: I’ll probably talk about yoga and saying yes.

Top Five Best Cheesecakes I’ve Ever Eaten

Happy National Cheesecake Day!

Does anyone know why is this is only a national holiday? What gives, America!? As the arbitrator of cheesecake and cheesecake vendors worldwide, I’m declaring today to be a global celebration for us all.

If you live in the United States, today (July 30) you can enjoy half-price cheesecake at your local The Cheesecake Factory restaurant. It’ll be a total mess and totally worth it, I promise.

And if you live elsewhere, like I do, perhaps you should instead celebrate this occasion by compiling a list of the best cheesecakes you’ve ever put into your mouth hole.

Top 5 Best Cheesecakes I’ve Ever Eaten

5. Frozen Sara Lee Plain Cheesecake, Sydney circa late ’80s

You always remember your first. It was plain Sara Lee brand cheesecake that my sweet elderly neighbour, Mavis, bought on the sly for my birthday one year. It wasn’t just my first cheesecake, it was my first birthday cake. I was from the town’s very first ‘broken home’ and so the locals always smuggled me into their homes for pity treats. An ice-block here, a butterscotch there. Nothing as amazing and grand as a whole friggin’ cake.

Mavis had forgotten to defrost the cake and so I ate it frozen, scooping it straight out of the foil tin, my little tastebuds and dessert-deprived child brain exploding with joy over cheese flavoured ice cream and biscuit crumbs. I’ve never tried to replicate that feeling with a Sara Lee cheesecake as an adult because my palate has likely changed and I don’t want to be disappointed. Though to this day I still prefer to eat my cheesecake frozen.

4. Cheesecake Factory Original, Tampa Bay, Florida, 1998

En route to Tampa airport, my grandfather swung his truck into the parking lot of The Cheesecake Factory and declared that I couldn’t leave his country without eating the biggest piece of cheesecake that I’d ever see. Much like everything else at The Cheesecake Factory and also in the United States, the choices were excessive and overwhelming. I stood at the display counter for a few minutes and settled on a slice of Original because it seemed safe among others covered in foreign candies and creams.

My grandfather beamed at me like the cheesecake counter was a test and I’d just passed. He said the original was ‘New York style’ and all the best things came from New York. He was a proud Upstate man. After splitting the cheesecake — which was, as promised, the biggest and most serious cheesecake I’d ever eaten — and we’d climbed back into the truck, he slipped me his money clip and pulled me against his body for the longest, hardest hug. Our time together was over. I had to leave and he had to die.

3. Lemon and Lime Cheesecake, North Sydney, 2010

I call this ‘Independence Cake’ because it tastes like never again depending on another human being to make me happy.

When I reached adulthood I decided that it would be really neat to continue Mavis’ tradition of birthday cheesecake. So, every year, I’d hint (and later, directly ask) for my gal pal to buy me one. And every year, she did not. She wasn’t being an asshole, not exactly — she just showed love in ways that didn’t involve going to the grocery store alone and interacting with the people there.

After spending a few birthdays being quietly bummed the fuck out, on my 26th one I bought a family-sized double baked cheesecake with lemon and lime topping from a patisserie near my office. I already knew it was the amazing cake. I knew that it was velvety smooth and rich with the most perfect biscuit to cheese to fruit ratio, because I’d purchased and eaten it for my co-workers’ and friends’ birthdays but never my own.

I took the cheesecake home, put it straight in the freezer and spent the next week shamelessly stuffing it into my face until every last crumb was gone. I’ve repeated it every year since, ‘cause the only thing better than cheesecake is reminding myself that I don’t need to wait on someone else to decide I’m worth it. We’re all worthy of cheesecake.

2. Red Velvet Cheesecake, Los Angeles, 2012

It was the last day of the first A-Camp. By the time Riese, Marni and I had driven down the mountain and checked into our hotel, I was ready to sleep forever. I don’t know where we found the energy to walk to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner but we did, and after some giant meals we decided to split a mammoth piece of the Red Velvet Cheesecake.

Red Velvet became our Go To cheesecake. On future visits, we’d look at the menu and throw around ideas for different flavours to try but that red velvet just kept calling us back. We learned to ask the server to pack up the cheesecake to go because we were too stuffed to eat any on the spot. It was a sentimental order, more than anything. We never finished a whole piece even once.

1. Low Carb Cheesecake with Fresh Strawberries, Chicago, 2014

On our first real date at The Cheesecake Factory, I insisted on ordering the Splenda cheesecake even though I knew it would taste dull and completely wrong. Katie couldn’t eat real sugar and at some point between drooling over the Red Velvet while waiting in the foyer and the server unceremoniously slapping down laminate menus on our table, it hit me that I’d rather share boring garbage cheesecake with the most beautiful, sugar-intolerant human than to eat the world’s best cheesecake alone. I was in love.

What’s your favourite cheesecake memory and/or cheesecake flavour and vendor? I want to hear all your cheesecakey feelings.

Working On It, Week 5: Meditation and Hydration

This past week in wellness, my bread intake got out of control. I’ve been existing on Vegemite toast and deli sandwiches and very few green things in between. There are numerous reasons, ranging from a lack of time and willpower to an abundance of stress (carbs = comfort). The upside is that right now I’m feeling super motivated to find quick ‘n easy ‘no cook’ vegetable and protein-heavy lunches and snacks, which is something many of you have voiced interested in as well. I’ll talk about that next week!

Let’s talk about the 30 Day Ab Challenge. Have you been doing it? How’s it going? Tell me everything. (And if you haven’t been doing it but you want to, download the app).

It’s still kicking my ass. Although, on a positive note, at least there’s no more ab pain. It’s Day 14 which means 65 sit-ups, 85 crunches, 42 leg raises and a 55 second plank. Most of those numbers are still unachievable, so I’ve continued cheating my ass off by doing things like using a workout mat as leverage during leg raises. Except the crunches! I only struggle with crunches a little, which makes me think I’m not doing them right? But I don’t know! I’ve been watching YouTube videos and can’t tell if I’m doing something differently to the fitness pros.

For the record, I don’t feel bad about cheating / ‘adapting’. Doing this challenge, even half-assedly, has made core strength exercise part of my (almost) daily routine and my capacity for it is gradually increasing. I’m not hitting targets and sometimes my form is questionable so I’m still pretty stoked.

Here’s what’s been working and not working for me this week:

Working: Meditation

One of you cool cats mentioned an app called Stop, Breathe & Think. I wrote down the name for my gal pal, who’s been curious about meditation, and definitely not for my own use, nope. I like to deal with stressful situations and emotions by blocking out their existence completely, so any activity that has the potential to open up my brain spaces and lower my guard terrifies me. Sadly, though, my stress levels are reaching stratospheric heights and suppressing my freak out feelings just doesn’t work anymore. My sleep, job, mood and relationship are all being hit in little to big ways, so in a desperate grab for some chill, I downloaded this app and gave it a try.

I’m loving it SO hard. There’s a list of meditation programs that you select from, based on your current mental state or the one you’d like to achieve.

It’s magical. I press ‘play’, shut my eyes, and then six minutes later it’s like I’m floating on a cloud and don’t have a problem in the world. I genuinely feel as though I’ve never truly relaxed before, and possibly that’s because there’s never been a woman telling me to let my tension float away in calm, soothing tones.

Do you meditate using any kind of online resource or app? I’d love to hear about it.

Working: Exercising at home

The ab challenge has inspired me to start utilising my bedroom as a workout space more often. I usually spend my entire weekend indoors writing and Skyping, so I’m hoping that video workouts might be an easy way to make those days at home far more active.

Do you do workouts at home? What video channels or websites do you use? I’ve only just started looking. So far I’m enjoying FitnessBlender.com, which was recommended by reader Stefany. It has decent library of free workout videos that you can sort through using search criteria like difficulty level, equipment needed, calorie burn, time, and so on.

The tricky part has been finding the right videos for my fitness level and space. I don’t have any equipment, plus I’m living on a fourth-floor apartment so I can’t do workouts involving too much jumping or noise-making. Sadly ‘no jumping’ isn’t a search filter and so it takes a little digging to find suitable videos.

This is the cardio workout that I’ve been doing this week. What I love is that the instructor gives lower intensity substitutes to the high impact moves, which makes me feel more capable as a beginner. It doesn’t feel like a light workout, though; I’ve been playing the video straight after my ab challenge and at the end I’m totally smashed.

What I don’t love is that I can hear my hips and knees popping and creaking whenever I do any exercise that involves lifting my knee to waist height. Is that normal? Does it happen to you? Real questions, someone please put my mind at ease. My quads have also been aching for days now. I don’t know if audible popping and muscle pain is a sign that my body needs these exercises, or a sign that I should avoid them. Thoughts?

Not working: Germ-free hydration

When I joined the gym I purchased a Camelbak Eddy water bottle. It was my first non-disposable water bottle and a total dream to drink from; I most likely doubled my average daily water intake overnight. Just. Like. That.

There was a downside, though. It was impossible to clean. I put it in the dishwasher on the reg and sanitised it in boiling water and even replaced the lid and mouth piece a couple of times. AND YET I still found nasty residue inside that I assume is bacteria and/or mould. I had to stop using it because I became too paranoid about making myself sick.

Has anyone else had this experience with Camelbak? My gal pal doesn’t wash hers even half as obsessively as I washed mine and yet hers is sparkling clean, I even made her do a Q-tip swipe test over Skype to prove it because I’m a delight to date. So, I don’t know what’s up. Maybe Sydney’s water supply?

Anyway, I set fire to my germ bottle and purchased a Brita Fill & Go sports bottle. It has a filter attached to the mouthpiece which totally satisfies my new water bottle germ phobia but requires way too much suction for me to stay adequately hydrated while exercising. In short, it’s a perfect work bottle but a terrible workout bottle.

What water bottle do you use? If you have any good recs then please let me know!

How has your past week in wellness been? Is your body feeling well nourished and temple-esq? Are there any triumphs or challenges that you want to talk about or get advice on? Let us know in the comments. Also, don’t forget that the Working On It social group exists and you can join it here.

Also, also! After our discussion about Fitbits last week, commenter Sarah set up an Autostraddle group for any Fitbit users who want to participate in group challenges. This is the direct link. You need a Fitbit account to view the group, however owning a Fitbit is not required to create one.

Coming up next week: I’m going to try and conquer my epic bread addiction and figure out some quick and healthy meals and snacks.

Working On It, Week Four: Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone

I’ve been thinking about buying one of those physical activity-tracking wristbands, such as a Fitbit. Have you ever worn one? Apparently a third of people stop using theirs within six months, which I think is my main concern? I lose interest in things super fast. Also, it seems like they might be an item that’s easy to misplace or break. If you have any experiences to share then I’d be pretty excited about that, thank you.

This week I’ve been wholly focussed on returning to my health and wellness kick after being ill, which hasn’t been easy. “It’s not easy” – me, about so many things this week. My fitness level declines super quick after taking time out. Overall, though, my body is starting to feel great! I’m feel a little stronger and healthier and more accountable for wellness. It’s delightful.

I decided that it’s time to focus on stepping further outside my comfort zone and trying new and slightly more challenging things. My exercise routine has started feeling cruisey. Walking uphill for an hour is good exercise and a huge improvement on couch-sitting but it’s pretty boring and I feel like I’m barely breaking a sweat anymore. So, in my effort to push myself a little harder and further, here’s what has / hasn’t been working:

Working: 30 day fitness challenges

Last week I mentioned that I was starting the 30 Day Ab Challenge. If you decided to join me, how’s it going? (And if you missed last week’s article and you want to join in, it’s not too late! This is the app).

I’ve been contemplating working on core strength for a few months now; not so much to transform into Sally Six-Pack but rather because of how it delivers a whole heap of benefits to an ageing body such as increased bone mass, stamina and focus. Plus I recently witnessed my pal Anne Marie tackle some 30-day strength challenges like a champ and it was truly inspiring. It made me feel like maybe I could kick ass at it too.

(Unfortunately I can’t kick anything because I can barely move. LOL! More on that in a sec.)

So, the good parts: hands down the 30 day deadline; it’s perfect for my short attention span and makes the commitment of trying something new feel less daunting and more achievable. I do have this feeling that as a clueless amateur, maybe I shouldn’t be following an unsupervised ‘one fits all’ program that increases intensity without taking into consideration my specific fitness levels. (I decided to still proceed but with caution and listening to my body).

I’m loving how there are only four ab exercises to master, and every fourth day is a rest day (at least on the ‘Beginner 1’ level. I also appreciate the illustrated instructions on how to do the exercises but I’ve mostly been use them as a reminder; I found that YouTube videos give clearer instructions.

The not as good parts: it so difficult! At least for me and my weak core. My first day included 5 leg raises, an exercise invented by satan, and ended with an inhumane 24 second plank. Days 2-4 ached a lot.

The targets have been escalating a little too quickly for my non-existent core to deal and so I’ve been cheating a lot. On Day 3 I did the sit-ups on my bed because when I tried to lower my torso onto the floor my abs were just like NOPE. On Day 4, I woke up still aching but this time there was blood involved and so I raced to my doctor, convinced that I’d torn an ab, or something. (Everything was chill, though, the only issue was me not fully understanding how the contraceptive pill works).

Now it’s Day 5 and things are far less sore and dramatic. In fact I’m feeling really motivated to continue and my abs are starting to feel tight, like they might be getting stronger. Right now I feel like I can actually do this, become a person who has strong core muscles.

How did you go?

Not working (yet): Bravery

What exercises get you going? A few years ago I tried boxing and loved it, although sadly there are too many barriers for me to pick it up again right now. So I’m trying to open my mind to other non-treadmill workouts that will offer a similar challenges and diversity. Some of you have already given me great suggestions in previous columns, like martial arts and roller derby, that I’ve been filing away for the coming months. (I think yoga will be the first one I try).

I’ve mentioned my extreme fear of group fitness classes once or twice now and it’s still a thing that I’m trying to work up the guts to conquer. It doesn’t help that the classes all have ambiguous names like “BODYJAM” and “HHILT,” which don’t paint a clear picture as to what’s involved and which fitness level it’s aimed at. I’m too much of a scaredy cat to ask the staff because I know that once I have answers, I’ll be out of excuses. So for now, I’m just casually lurking in the doorways of exercise studios, trying to psych myself up to walk through. It’s a process. I think I’ll get there soon, though.

Not working (yet): Swimming

Last month I got this wild idea that swimming at the gym pool would be a super fun way to get fit, never mind that it’s been roughly fifteen years since my last attempt and I recall being pretty shit.

Regardless, I was highly motivated and enthusiastic. I ordered and returned various swimsuits online until I found one offering my preferred level of skin coverage and then waited until late-night, when the gym pool was near-empty, to make my maiden voyage.

I choked, literally and figuratively, because swimming is apparently not like riding a bike. I dog paddled for about 15 minutes until a child jumped into my lane and started showing me up with his legit swim strokes.

I’m still feeling motivated to keep trying but also debating my approach. I could try to learn the proper strokes but also, dog paddling kinda feels like a valid workout? Fifteen minutes of flailing around left me fucking exhausted. Does pool etiquette dictate that you need to use an Olympic certified swim stroke? Is it cool to side-eye 10-year-olds who out-lap me in the slow lane or will that get me kicked out? Are they even supposed to be there unsupervised at midnight? Get off my lawn.

Tell me about your unspoken rules, gym swimmers.

What have you been up to this week? Tell me everything. Have you joined the Autostraddle Working On It social group? We’ve been having some good discussions on there, come on in.

Coming up next week: Hydration and meditation!