YES CATS! Exclusive: The Incredibly True Adventures of the Backyard Bobbis

This original essay, published here as an A+ exclusive, also appears in our new mini-book collaboration with everyone is gay, YES CATS!, which you should check out. 

The Incredibly True Adventures of the Backyard Bobbis

One unbearably steamy summer Sunday in New York City, my girlfriend Stacy and I found five feral kittens in our backyard. They were terrified of us and bolted every time we opened the door — but they kept coming back. It took almost a week for us to understand that their mama was a feral cat we’d been feeding for a year, a black and white tuxedo we’d named Bobbi Jean. She came to the sound of our voice when we called out to her when we were walking down sidewalks or getting off the train, following at a distance and then waiting patiently outside our door while we prepared her food.

Bobbi Jean didn’t trust humans enough to let us touch her, or even stay near her while she ate, but she knew we’d never hurt her and that we were willing to share our food, so we decided she was counting on us to rescue her babies. We named all five of her kittens “The Bobbis.”

Over the course of the next month, we sat outside for hours with food, coaxing The Bobbis into eating in our presence at the same time every day. While we were doing that, I got Trap, Neuter, Return certified with the ASPCA and gathered the equipment I would need to trap them. We outfitted a room for the Bobbis with a big purple kitten den and a climbing castle and plenty of soft blankets.

We knew we didn’t have long to rescue them. Feral kittens have a very short window of time during which they can be socialized. They learn the way of the street so quickly. We also lost one of the kittens, Bobbi Jean Jr., to a car accident.

Top: Frodo Bobbi, Dobby Bobbi, Beth March Bobbi, and Socks Bobbi trying to make it through the summer. Bottom: All the Bobbis four months later.

Finally, after a month of preparation, we were ready to trap the four Bobbis who’d made it through the impossible heat of the summer: Socks Bobbi, Dobby Bobbi, Beth March Bobbi, and Frodo Bobbi. The day after we trapped them, they visited the ASPCA, where they were spayed and neutered, vaccinated, and treated for fleas and ear mites. Then, they returned home with us.

Very, very, very slowly we earned their trust. They would eat in front of us, while we sat on the floor and looked in a different direction. They would eat with our hand on their food bowl. They would lick baby food — Gerber No. 2 chicken! — off of our fingers. They would let us stroke their backs, once or twice, as gentle as a whisper. We nudged them around their food bowl, lifted them quickly from one spot to another near their plate, coaxed them into our laps with tasty treats.

After weeks and weeks and weeks, all four of them finally let us pet them without food around. Then, they began to seek out affection from us. They crawled into our laps unprompted! They ran to us when we opened the door! They wanted to include us in their cuddle piles, and brought us stuffed toys so we could play their games too.

They got strong and they got big and their fur got silky and their eyes got bright and we fell in love with them.

And just when we were ready to start looking for forever homes for them, they got sick. Very sick. In one night, all four of them were admitted into an emergency hospital in New York City and diagnosed with feline panleukopenia, an often deadly virus that kills most kittens with 24 hours. The prognosis wasn’t good. Because FPV attacks quick-replicating cells like white blood and bone marrow, kittens the age of the Bobbis have a 70 percent mortality rate, even with with treatment. When the Bobbis first came to us, we knew it was likely they might never let us even touch them, but they’d learned to trust us completely, and the night we checked them into the hospital, they clung to us and cried for us and pressed their shaking faces into our hands when we reached into their carriers. We didn’t know if they’d live to see the morning.

Top: Socks Bobbi the day we found him. Bottom: Socks Bobbi four months later.

They survived the night. And the next one. And the next one. On the fourth day of their treatment, the doctor told us that while they would normally want to keep infected cats in the hospital, our Bobbis were a special case. They needed to come home because sometimes the difference between life and death for kittens is knowing they’re fighting for someone they’re bonded to. And while feral kittens are often baffled by the human world, well into adulthood, our Bobbis understood completely that they were safe and loved when they were with us.

Their medical bills were super expensive, but our friends and family who had watched the Bobbis’ progress from terrified feral cats to cautious street cats to affectionate lap cats bonded together and raised almost $5,000 dollars for them. We gave twice-daily medicine for almost a month, monitored them every hour, and held them and loved them and begged them to keep on fighting. And then one day, the medicine was gone. And they’d made it. Not just one of them, but all of them.

Most people don’t get it. So much time and so much money spent on four sad little street cats. People think it’s a waste of time, of energy, of income, of life. They laugh. They ask why. Why? Why? Why?

I can’t speak for why other people do what they do, but I can speak for me, a person who has spent countless thousands of dollars saving animals in my lifetime (and been a beneficiary of the internet’s uncommon generosity when my beagle, Scout, was dying and needed very expensive life-saving surgery). Some people’s souls are sustained by art and some by reading and some by writing and some by church and some by food and a million other things. I have always been a person whose soul is sustained by my relationships with animals. They ease my anxiety, lessen the burden of my depression, focus my ADHD. Just being near them, taking care of them, loving and being loved by them.

Socks Bobbi on the way home from the hospital, reaching through his makeshift carrier to hold my hand.

My mother has borderline personality disorder among other things, including various addictive behaviors, and despite my superhuman efforts, I have never been able to make one bit of difference in her life. Trying to help her is like trying to fill up the Grand Canyon by throwing spoons full of water into it. That’s what it feels like to try change the world in any real way, to me.

It’s brutal and bleak and everything is so far out of our control, and really, truly, in the grand scheme of things, nothing we do matters on a global scale. Or a national one, really. Or a state one or a county one or a city one or even a neighborhood one. Sometimes, though, I get a chance to save an animal’s life. It doesn’t matter to the world at large. It doesn’t change the fact that the climate is out of control and America’s infrastructure is crumbling and the public school system is underfunded and diseases are ravaging less developed countries and wars are ravaging developed ones. But it matters to a kitten, and that matters to me.

I started saving animals when I was five years old, when I saw a mama cat get hit by a car and found her babies and hid them under my house. I snuck out to sleep with them at night, to keep them warm. I fed them my own food I smuggled away from the dinner table. And when my parents were yelling at each other and when my mom was slapping and screaming at me and when the kids at my school were making fun of me for being a cross-eyed dyke, I’d think about those kittens who were counting on me to keep them safe. I’d make it through another day.

The Bobbis’ mama, Bobbi Jean, comes to our back door every day for breakfast and dinner. She follows us home when we see her out and about. We saved her babies, like we promised her we would.

The world is burning, burning, burning. It has been as long as I’ve been alive. I can’t put out the fire, but maybe I can save one tiny life. Maybe I can save four. Maybe it only matters to me and the little guys I saved — and to their mama who will never know what it’s like to be scratched under the chin, or to fall asleep being petted in a lap by the fire — but that’s okay. The world is dark and light is precious. We all have to sustain our souls somehow.

Get YES CATS in the A+ store today for only $12 with discount code apluscats! 

Sapphic Musk’s “KITTENZ” Video Is A Dream Come True

Fans of heavy metal and tiny kittens alike will rejoice in this amazing new video from Sapphic Musk, a self-described lesbian Viking metal band from Leztonia. Currently based in Los Angeles, the band (consisting of vocalist Säärrää Trüssellsson guitarist Miiaa Ferrääro, bassist Christii Griinwiid and drummer Tammz Germansikgaard) formed just a year ago and seem poised to take over the world. Their thunderous new track “KITTENZ” was produced by Bob Marlette (Rob Zombie, Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper) and sounds like… well, like Black Sabbath if they were obsessed with cats.

Nothing else I tell you about this video will matter unless I inform you that it features:

• kittens crowdsurfing
• kittens trashing a dressing room
• kittens jumping out of a bass drum
• kittens operating fog machines
• kittens blinking
• kittens taking naps
• Sapphic Musk shredding (guitars)
• kittens shredding (furniture)

Sapphic Musk are hosting a premiere party for the single and video August 1 in LA at the Lyric Hyperion Theatre & Cafe. The band will be performing live and also hosting a Q&A about the video.

Sunday Top Ten: Some Cats I Don’t Hate

Welcome to the fourth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008. 

First things first: I don’t really hate your cat. If you caught me telling your cat “I hate you,” I was just kidding, it’s a joke we do together! No but seriously, I wish I liked cats. For starters, they look delightful in photographs! Furthermore, lesbians love cats, and kittens (aka “pre-cats”) are such charming little animals (until they become cats, because I hate cats). Alas, I’m very much allergic to pre-cats and cats-proper in a sloppy, enflamed, itchy, eyeball-scratching, face-sneezing, eyes-watering, nose-running, body-not-sleeping kind of way. Often cat owners take it really personally that I don’t want to hang out on a couch coated with allergens or sleep over with my head smashed into the same pillow their cat uses for Cat Naps. Honestly, y’all, sometimes I’m amazed cats have any hair left on their bodies because it’s seriously all over your furniture and your coat. There is an actual animal’s worth of hair on your sweater! I thought your sweater was a living thing! Also, litter boxes are uncivilized. They’re filled with — let’s be honest — the ashes of dead Nazis — and topped off with tiny foul piles of animal waste. Nobody wants to see that, especially me.

Ultimately, I think dogs are better creatures than cats on a few levels (and somehow my allergy to dogs has faded significantly since childhood) but not all cats are awful. Some of them are pretty okay.

Top 18 Cats I Don’t Hate

1. Winston

It was really said when Rich Juzwiak (blogged as fourfour, now writes for Gawker) and his boyfriend broke up in 2012 and then Winston no longer belonged to us on the internet. Still, because the internet is forever, you can witness some of Winston’s best moments on a pinterest board entirely devoted to his existence, read an interview with Winston on Buzzfeed, and think to yourself, “why is this cat the only cat Riese watches videos of on the internet?” (BECAUSE HE’S  HILARIOUS)

2. Salem Saberhagen

I love how this cat was like, “I can talk, and I’ve got shit to say.” As I recall, he was a pretty sassy cat, and the laugh track on Sabrina the Teenage Witch found him HILARIOUS!

3. Simba

The Lion King is a masterpiece and Simba is the baby lion we all dream of cuddling with at night.

4. Oliver

Oliver and Company is one of my favorite Disney films ever and I feel it is desperately underrated. I’d love to see Oliver and Company on Broadway. I once performed the whole musical on my futon for my parents, I think they really liked it. My rendition of “Perfect Isn’t Easy” was a highlight, for sure.

5. The Nope Cat

This cat is hilarious. Our Tech Director Cee printed out a bunch of Nope Cats and brought them to A-Camp (an annual retreat/conference/camp hybrid for queer women hosted by this website) and hung them up all over. It was funny.

6. A-Camp Cats

Speaking of A-Camp, now that we’re headed into our sixth A-Camp, I’m really running out of new exciting names for our cabins. I can usually rely on some kind of feline, however, and over the years we’ve had cabins called Wildcats, Thundercats, Hellcats, Cat Power, Panthers and Tiger Beat. Stay tuned for Pussy Riot.

7. Whiskey Kitten

Photography © jmberman1 2009

This kitten saw us through some of our darkest days! Like that time that Autostraddle stopped working in Google Chrome, that time Autostraddle stopped working period and basically everything about life that has ever been difficult. This kitten was there. Bless the man who photographed the kitten, and bless G-d for inventing whiskey.

8. Hobbes

“Calvin & Hobbes” is my favorite comic strip of all time!

9. Crookshanks

I just started reading Harry Potter for the first time (I know!) and therefore am only 75% of the way through The Prizoner of Aztecland, so I can’t say much about this cat besides that Ron is really mad at this cat right now for killing his rat. The thing is that rats are gross, so two thumbs up to this cat for getting rid of it. Owls for everybody!

10. “Cat” from Breakfast at Tiffany‘s

I lived with a cat for about two months, and I wanted to name it “cat,” but my roommate insisted on naming “Moo.” I called it “Cat” though, regardless. I didn’t even remember that Holly Golightly had made the same decision! But then I saw the movie again and was like, holy shit, we are both geniuses!

11. Catwoman

The best thing about catwoman is that she’s actually just a woman, but wearing a cat outfit. The cat outfit is usually very tight and sexual and has been worn by many ladies over the years including Eartha Kitt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Anne Hathaway, Lee Meriweather, Julie Newmar and, notably, Halle Berry (As per the poster above. I didn’t actually see Catwoman but the poster looks nice).

12. Marie

I don’t remember The Aristocats very well but there’s a cat in it named Marie. Marie is also MY name (Riese is my nickname), which means I have something in common with this cat. We also have lots of things NOT in common, like I don’t pee in a box.

13. The East Dillon Lions & The Dillon Panthers

Much like Coach Taylor himself, I can’t really choose between these two outstanding groups of gentleman, but I’m pretty sure they don’t shed, so.

14. We Are All Made Of Kittens

This is a tumblr Laneia and I made about ourselves. It was pictures of cats but it was things that actually happened but with all of us, like at my apartment in New York during Pride, or at Dinah Shore or other times. It’s really funny and honest and I highly recommend it. Kittens featured on this monumental work of art include Design Director Alex Vega, founding team member Tess, former managing editor Sarah Palmface, former Tech Editor Taylor Hatmaker and ALL OF THE INTERNS!

15. The Cats Of “The Real L Word”

The cats were bored when we were bored, confused when we were confused, and hungry when we were hungry. The cats made B-Roll into A-Plus-Roll. Given the choice of watching a show about cats or a show about Romi, I’d probably go with the cats.

16. Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like

via Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like

This was one of our most brilliant post ideas of all time. It was cats being lesbians. Click on it, you’ll see.

17. The Cheshire Cat

This is like your kinda-annoying friend who always has really good drugs, I think.

18. Lord Tubbington

Lord Tubbington is a cat I can tell I wouldn’t like in real life, because he seems really prone to shedding. But I really appreciate his contributions to Brittany S. Pierce’s Fondue for Two, a webseries within a series I have to recap called Glee. It’s pretty awful, writing this post was much better!

The Autostraddle Guide to Adopting Your Furry Best Friend: Cat and Kitten Edition

Before we begin:

via Cara Welfare Philippines, by way of Bored Panda

Okay, are we all properly misty-eyed now? No one can argue with animal adoption — offering a space in your home to a being who doesn’t have one, or even opposable thumbs, is a worthy cause. And we’re already on board with the Adopt Don’t Shop philosophy (adoption means saving a life!).

Let me tell you where I’m coming from: I’ve adopted three cats in my life. And not just cats, kittens. I never go in intending to adopt a kitten. I’m always like, I’ll adopt an older cat! They’ve already been socialized, they know manners, they’re not going to put everything in their mouths, it’s harder for them to find homes, etc. But the wand chooses the wizard, Harry, and the cat chooses the people. The first kitten I ever adopted jumped on my shoulder and then into my bag. The second kitten reached out through the bars of her cage and literally grabbed my fiancée by the arm and pulled her in close. The third started purring the instant I picked him up, he nuzzled into the crook of my elbow and the adoption specialist said, “Ugh. Please just take him. Just take him.”

We’ve covered adopting dogs. Now let’s talk about adopting kittens. Here are a few things you need to know and have when you’re taking home your very first feline fur-baby, speaking from the perspective of an adopter having done this three times now.

via Core Naturapthics

Are You Ready For a Kitten?

Kittens are far more than cute bundles of joy to hug and squeeze (lightly) and love. Remember that kittens grow into cats. My cat growing up lived to be 21. So you’re signing up to be a cat parent for a sizable chunk of time, if all goes well. And you’re signing up to deal with it if it doesn’t all go well (more on this later). Also remember that pets are part of the family — you’re going to need to care for this being through thick and thin, through cross country or even international moves. So here’s a small checklist.

• If you’re a renter, does your landlord allow cats? Are you aware of special circumstances surrounding pets in your building that you need to know about (like a deposit or pet rent)? If you’re already familiar, are those special circumstances something you can deal with? If you move, you intend to find housing that will allow your kitten, right?
• What about your lifestyle — does it fit a kitten right now? Having a kitten is kinda like having a sugar-high toddler. Kittens have a boatload of energy and none of the street smarts (or manners) that an older cat might have. You’re about to spend a ton of time pulling no-no items out of the kitten’s mouth, redirecting furniture scratching to appropriate scratching areas, and just generally staying up and worrying (kittens are babies, see if you don’t worry a little!). If you work non-stop or travel a lot, who’s gonna do that? Shelter animals often come from chaotic environments and they’re going to need their new forever home to be as stable as possible.
• Do you have the room? Sure, cats require less room than dogs. But lest ye have a 15 pound behemoth of a cat with weight-caused health issues, you need enough room for playtime, not to mention the litter box and the food dishes.
• Do you have the financial means to cover the adoption fees, food, supplies and medical care? If you can’t afford it, don’t do it! Volunteer at a shelter instead.
• Have you talked to everyone else you live with (partner, roommates, family, etc.) about adopting a kitten? Do they know what responsibilities they’ll have (litter box, making sure the house remains kitten proofed) when the new baby comes home? Also “talk” to any other pets that live in the house — are they good with cats? If you’ve got cat-aggressive dogs or a cat that would prefer to be an only furbaby, now may not be the time.
• Are you ready to take on the long-term responsibility that is kitten adoption?
• Are you ready to snuggle, love and possibly be groomed by your new bestie beastie?

If you answered yes to all these questions, or are willing and able to make adjustments to your “no” answers, sounds like you’re ready to start your kitten journey!

This image is actually desktop wallpaper.

Okay, Now Are You Emotionally Ready for A Kitten?

I ask this completely sincerely. What are your motives here? And here’s why I ask it: have you recently lost a pet? I have. The first kitten I ever adopted, Puck (who y’all know from the Tampon Cat Toy photos), grew into a 3-year-old cat and got cancer. We did everything we could for him, but he lost his battle while I was away at A-Camp (luckily we are a two-person household, or I wouldn’t have been able to get to Camp at all). My fiancée and I decided to adopt another kitten for a multitude of reasons: our other cat (who y’all know from the Kitten-Approved Gin photos) needed a cat-friend to hang with (she was very sad), our family didn’t feel complete, and mostly? I wanted to honor Puck’s memory by offering the space in our home to another furbaby. That made emotional sense to me. But I’m still jumpy — I’m still looking for signs that the new kitten is going to die (probably he is not going to die and I’m just traumatized). So was I emotionally ready to adopt a kitten? I think probably as ready as I’ll be in a long while, but the jury is still out. Do I still think it was a good decision? Absolutely — I love our new little family member. But I still think it’s a good question to ask yourself. Did you just go through a break up? Did you just experience loss? Are you adopting a kitten because you think it will solve a problem? All things to think about before making a commitment that is definitely not as temporary as your emotional state. Bottom line: Do you have the emotional energy to devote to this right now? Do you have the capacity to be a good cat-parent despite your personal upheavals? If the answer is no, wait a while. Your kitten will find you when the time is right.

What to Expect From The Adoption Process

Finding Your Shelter

It is tempting to go about finding your kitten in the standard way, and there’s honestly probably nothing wrong with it. That way, in this day and age, is going on Petfinder and finding a kitten that you like the look of. That’s actually not how I recommend you do things. I recommend finding the shelter. You can’t tell anything about a kitten from the picture and the description anyway — rarely does one actually adopt the animal that piqued their interest, in my experience. Case in point: my brother and I recently looked at the same cat at St. Hubert’s Animal Shelter. With my brother, he was a lovely purring puddle. With my fiancée and I, he was a growling terrified demon. The best description and picture in the world isn’t going to tell you anything about your compatibility with the kitten. But Petfinder is a good way to see what shelters you’ve got in your area and what kind of animals they generally house.

Then go pay them a visit. With your actual body. Is the shelter clean and stable? Do you like the way they’re treating their animals? Do you like working with the people? When they speak to you, are they giving you good clear information? That’s how you know your kitten is coming to you from a loving home, a place with people who you will enjoy working with. If you have a regular pet store whose employees you like and trust, consider finding out if that pet store runs adoption days for local shelters. See who they work with and why. Find the shelter first, the kitten will come out of that experience. Who knows? Maybe your new kitten will reach out and grab you, too!

A baby Maddie Taterka (Autostraddle Contributing Editor) with her baby kitteh.

Some Common Adoption Practices: A Glossary

Not all shelters run the same way, so it’s hard to tell you exactly what you’ll be going through. But here are a few common terms and practices you’ll see around.

Home Visit. Some shelters will come visit your house before they’ll adopt a cat out to you. Pros: this shelter really cares about their kittens and about fit, and they will honestly tell you if they don’t think the kitten you’ve picked is the right little guy for you. If you’re new at kittens, you can glean a lot of information from these volunteers and professionals, so ask all the questions. They’re your encyclopedia for however long they’re in your living room. Cons: this process can take longer (but kittens are worth the wait!) and can leave you feeling like you’re inadequate, or like the shelter is trying to catch you out. They’re not. Keep in mind, the shelter really wants you to have this kitten. The home visits are there to make sure you know exactly what you’re doing, and that you don’t pick a nervous, only-pet kinda kitten when you’ve already got a feisty Pomeranian.

Adoption Fee. This varies depending on region, but most shelters charge an adoption fee anywhere from $50-$200 (adoption fees for dogs tend to be more than cats at any given shelter). My fees have always been in the $125 range. This kind of fee covers processing and paid help at a shelter, as well (sometimes) spaying/neutering and/or shots and vaccinations. Make sure you ask what’s included and what procedures have already been done (you’ll need this information when you have your first vet visit). Don’t ever believe the lie you tell yourself that you’ll remember what they tell you about their vet records, you won’t. So get it on paper or right it down as they say it. Sometime shelters will waive adoption fees for hard-to-place animals, but this rarely happens with kittens as kittens are generally easier to home.

Indoor-Only. I won’t get too much into my personal philosophy on this one (all of my cats forever have been indoor), but shelters will ask you your philosophy on this. And many shelters really prefer that you swear on the Kitten Holy that she will be indoor-only. Please do not lie to them if your philosophy is different than theirs. If they say indoor-only and you agree, indoor-only please. This is your local shelter, and they live the same place you do — they may be aware of risks in your area. If you have questions about the risks of the great outdoors or the benefits of indoor-only kittehs, ask your friendly shelter employees.

Regular Veterinarian. Many shelters will require you to have your vet’s information on hand before releasing the kitten to you. This is mostly to prove that you know what’s up and that you intend to take your pet to the vet (in fact, many shelters recommend a vet visit within ten days of adoption!). This can be difficult, though, if you’re adopting your very first furry friend. Again, know that the shelter really wants you to have this cat. So if you don’t go in with a vet already picked out, ask them who they’re using. Make your decision based on their information (and since you already picked a shelter full of people you like and trust, you can be confident that you’re gonna like their recommendation). Keep in mind that putting down that vet isn’t a contract that you sign in stone — feel free to try out different vets in your area until you’re totally happy. Hell, sometimes traveling a little bit is worth it (for instance: I live in New Jersey, but I use a vet in Pennsylvania because I like them so much).

References. Some shelters ask for references, so go in with the contact information of two people who have lived with you and know how you treat animals (yours and everyone else’s). If you don’t need them, awesome! You’ve at least shared the good news that you’re adopting a kitten! Probably they have squealed with you and asked to come visit when the baby comes home. If you do need them, it saves you from making a few hasty shotgun phone calls.

Landlord’s Contact Information. Again, the shelter probably isn’t calling your landlord. They just really want to know that you’ve cleared this with your landlord, and that there are no unknown pet policies. It’s devastating to an animal to get sent back because the landlord said no. Go in with this information (and having cleared the pet with your building). And know that some shelters may actually contact your landlord (though it’s never happened to me).

What You Need To Physically Possess or Do Before She Comes Home

Kitten Proofing

Loose cords, string/floss/tinsel on the floor, lilies or anti-freeze? None of that! All of these things can cause severe damage to a kitten (and there is no recovering from anti-freeze poisoning). Make sure you know what’s poison to cats and keep that out of reach (did you know onions and grapes can both cause damage?). Here is one list of food and plants that pose risks. Here’s another that includes a few things other than food and plants. Do a sweep — where can your kitten get to? Are there any holes in the back of cabinets that will let them into the walls (true story, I have one of those in the cabinet under my sink)? Can your cat get into your antique sewing machine (mine is currently stuffed with worn out exercise pants to prevent such an eventuality)? Get creative, because your kitten will get creative. Your kitten knows no limits. The limit does not exist.

Food

Unless you want the stinkiest cat butt in all of the world, go grain free. In my experience, my cats on grain free food are less smelly/farty than my cats not on grain free food, but there is as always some debate about that. And kittens don’t generally do terribly well on seafood flavors (again, stinky cat butt). But other than that, you’re good to go! You don’t even need to get special kitten formula food as long as you look for the AAFCO standard compliance on the label — that means it’s got nutrients for all life stages. Here are a few recommendations:

via the Fromm Family website

Fromm’s Grain Free Entrée. What I use. What I have used for a while. For wet food, Merrick‘s really gross looking but really good for babies and adult cats. Weruva People Grade Pet Food is exactly what it sounds like: people food for pets, and they also make BFF at a lower price point (fish-based, though, so for when your kitten grows up a bit). Blue Buffalo Freedom is actually a kitten formula for those who are a bit nervy with the “all stages” thing. Oh, and also Halo Grain Free is partially owned by Ellen. Why yes, I did manage to find you a pet food that’s partially owned by Ellen DeGeneres. You’re welcome.

You may also notice I’m recommending higher quality foods at a higher price point than, say, Iams or Meow Mix. That’s because making the choice to spend a little more on food will actually save you money and agony in the long run. Better food leads to fewer vet bills and a happier life for your kitteh.

Litter

One option is Fresh News, which I actually really hate. But if your cat has recently been spayed or had hernia surgery, you want a litter like this that won’t get into their wee little incision before it’s done healing. Dr. Elsey’s Precious Cat is what we currently use, great clumping and good for multiple cat households. The same company makes Dr. Elsey’s Cat Attract, which is great for new babies who need a little litter box encouragement. Blue Naturally Fresh — it is litter. Made out of walnuts. I want to try it so much, probably once I’m finished writing this I will ask my pet store to order it. Also don’t forget a litter box. Literally, any litter box. This is the one we use — the high sides and hood prevent tracking.

I also highly recommend a Litter Genie. It changed my litter life. It upped my litter game. And I no longer have to trudge all the way downstairs and outside every time I want to clean the litter box. I can just put it in the Litter Genie and my apartment doesn’t stink. It’s also cut down on my plastic consumption, because I can have several days worth of litter all in one plastic bag without the distinct cat odor.

Treats

There’s not a lot to say about treats except to try your best not to get the ones that are terrible for them — look for things that don’t have “byproduct” or nebulous meat things listed in the ingredients section, and again go for grain free (stinky cat butt, etc) and non-fishy ones for a little while. My kittehs have a clear favorite: Bravo Healthy Bites Chicken Breast. There is only one ingredient: chicken breast. There are no other ingredients to be concerned about. It is literally just freeze-dried chicken breast and that is all. Sometimes the chunks are a little big for tiny kitten mouths, but because it is only freeze dried chicken breast, you can just break the chunks up. They are soft.

I think the most important thing to know about treats is that if you start them off on the good stuff and never do the Friskies or Temptations, you won’t ever have to do the Friskies or Temptations. I wish I had known that with my first kitten. Perhaps then we could have gotten him to eat a Greenie Pill Pocket every now and again.

Toys

Cats will play with anything. Literally anything that kinda moves or looks like it will maybe move or squeaks or jingles or crinkles. And they will lose cat toys — under the stove, under the fridge, under the couch. So. Don’t spend a ton of money on cat toys that will disappear, savvy? And also — don’t get the ones whose strings could come off. String is extremely harmful when swallowed for cats of all ages. Instead, try jingle balls that come a million to a pack and a couple special soft toys. A dangler is always entertaining for all parties involved. Our household has had great success with tunnels and interactive cat toys (but ugh, they’re ugly and take up a lot of space, so we rotate them in — they live in the closet part time). When your kitten is under three months, don’t waste money upgrading to a catnip toy — though catnip is healthy and fine for felines of all ages, kittens under three months don’t react to it. Some don’t develop a reaction until six months. Some don’t ever react to catnip at all.

Also, if you have stuffed toys lying around that are wee enough, stuffed toys can make the perfect kitten friend. One of our kittens stole this stuffed donkey toy (named Earnest) off my fiancée’s childhood dresser when we were house sitting for her parents. They’ve been best friends ever since.

Other Special Needs

Nail trimmers are going to be essential — kittens have needle claws that will pull your sweaters and dig into your arms even during the most mild of play times. You’re gonna need to cut those nails. This will vary in difficulty depending on your kittens purrsonality. Also, believe it or not, poultry-flavored toothpaste (our vet gave us this one). Your cats are gonna need their teeth brushed (that’ll prevent vet visits for bad teeth, thus saving you money) and when they’re kittens is the very best time to get them acclimated (so you can do it without getting savaged). So put a little cat toothpaste on your finger tip and play with their gums a bit.

Autostraddle Music Editor Stef Schwartz and her cat Scully say CLEAN YOUR TEETH!

You’re also going to be doing a lot of redirecting from scratching furniture or rugs — make sure you have a scratching post to redirect to. There are small scratching posts, but the appeal of the furniture is that it’s a) tall enough that the kitten can stretch all the way out on it and b) heavy enough that it doesn’t move. So if you’ve gotten the wave and they don’t seem into it, try getting a big heavy one that mimics the favorite sofa. We have this exact scratching post and all parties are happy/all furniture is intact. Declawing cats is generally not recommended as it is the equivalent of amputating human fingers up to the second knuckle; it throws their balance off and can cause chronic pain.

Cat carriers are useful for getting your kitten to and from the vet/cat sitter/other places you’re likely to go with your cat. They are also useful to have in the event of an emergency where evacuation is required. I like the collapsible fabric kind so that it doesn’t take up so much room in the closet while not in use, but some people/kittens prefer the hard-sided carriers. If your kitten has just had surgery or has special needs that require her to be kept quiet-ish at present (no flying leaps onto the dining room table, for example), consider grabbing up a larger dog carrier with room for litter, water, food and general existence so your kitten can have a “play pen” while unsupervised. This may not be necessary for all surgeries, however, so talk with your friendly local shelter employees to find out about your individual kitten’s special needs.

And speaking of water and food, if you’re not intending to share your own dishes, grabbing up some stainless steel bowls for food and water is highly recommended. I say stainless because they last a long time, don’t retain odors, and many of them are dishwasher safe. Bowls on floors can be slide-y, so grab one with the rubber ring on the bottom or else a mat (and if your kitten likes to play with the water like mine does, grab the mat for sure).

The Naming of Cats

Alrighty, ready for the woo-ish portion of The Kitten Kit? Anyone who’s read T.S. Eliot knows that a cat’s name is very important. And I have always, in one way or another, gotten what I asked for when I picked a name. For example, our kitten called Jeeves is a compulsive groomer. He even grooms our eyebrows in the middle of the night. We picked the name before we knew about that gem of a behavior.

This is Jeeves, by the way.

All I’m saying is, choose wisely. If you name your cat Houdini, microchip that sucker and fix those doors that don’t close quite right. And in the name of all your possessions, you might want to avoid “Mungojerrie” or “Rumpleteazer.”

The Vet, The Pet Store and Your Support Network

It’s almost time to set about enjoying the presence of your new best feline friend (or BFF). But do keep in mind, there are a few people and places you’ll now need in your life that you didn’t have before. You’ll need to find a regular vet if you didn’t already have one, plus the phone number for your local emergency vet (for off hours). Yelp is great for seeing who’s in the area, as is LocalVets.com, but keep in mind — people who have had negative outcomes (many of which could not have been prevented even by the best of vets) are more likely to leave a negative review, even if the vet was stellar. People who have had positive experiences may not think to leave a review at all. Seeing how the vet deals with you and your furbaby, personally, is always the best option. Asking pet owning friends and acquaintances for specific recommendations is also wonderful. Don’t hesitate to try a few vets and don’t hesitate to keep switching until you’re happy (not just with the way they treat your pet, but with the way they speak to you as well). Just make sure you have copies of all medical records to carry with you in the event of a switch. I like to keep mine all together in a folder. Post the phone number for the emergency vet on your fridge or in another central location — if you’re having an emergency, the last thing you want to be doing is Googling. Make sure all members of the household know where the emergency number is. Hopefully, you won’t need to use it. And hopefully you see your regular vet only for the standard stuff. Let’s all knock on wood, shall we?

You’ll be seeing your pet store, though, a lot more. So like choosing a shelter, it’s important to pick a place with a knowledgeable staff that answers questions confidently and clearly, and also knows where to find the answers when they don’t know. While some may not have options beyond Petsmart or even Walmart, I highly recommend choosing your local independent shop or even PetValu, a smaller chain, instead. It’s not always the case, but most often those employed at these kinds of stores have a lot more knowledge — and PetValu specifically has a program where they train their employees in training and nutrition through UC Davis. Smaller stores generally have a willingness to order foods or litters at your request, so talk to the employees if they don’t seem to carry what you’re looking for. And like your vet, try a bunch and keep trying until you find your favorite.

Lastly, it takes a village to raise a kitten (that’s totally how it goes). Mostly, your pet is your responsibility. But if you get snowed in over night somewhere, or you forget to turn on your air conditioning and it’s slated to be 90 degrees and you’re at work, it’s always nice if you’ve got a neighbor or friend you can call — someone with your house keys in case of emergency. These people in your life can sometimes function as pet sitters when duty (or vacation) calls. It’s always good to compensate them, but I’ve had great success in trading pet sitting duties.

So now it’s your turn — what did I miss? What tips and tricks for adopting kittens can you offer? DO YOU HAVE PICTURES OF YOUR KITTENS OH GOD PUT THEM IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE (and see this handy how-to for posting pictures in the comments section!).

I’m Sorry But You Still Can’t Have These Marshmallows

When you woke up this morning you were probs thinking, “This day seems hella promising and all, but you know what’s missing? Marshmallows that look like cats peering out from my hot chocolate.” And then I bet your face fell a little and your girlfriend boo bear babydoll was like, “Bay-abe, whatsamatter?” You wanted to spare her any unnecessary despair so you just plastered on that brave face and pretended you were ok, which was so thoughtful of you and really, you’re nothing if not thoughtful.

But you weren’t ok.

You weren’t and you aren’t, because you still — even now in this very moment and even though this has been going on for well over three years — exist in a space without marshmallows that look like cats peering out from your hot chocolate, and you’ll continue to live in that space because you can’t move to Japan, where those lucky bastards have THIS:

Sweet lord have mercy. Cafe Cat Marshmallows.

Now I know you’re trying to stop yourself from falling into the old trap of What Did I Ever Do To Deserve Such a Shitting Upon??!, but I say go ahead and fall. Go ahead and let yourself feel pity for yourself, because this is a harsh fucking reality, and you have indeed been shat upon. You can’t have these marshmallows. Not today and not tomorrow. They’re only barely available in Japan and based on reader surveys and my innate ability to generalize, you don’t live in Japan. Yes what did you ever do to deserve such a shitting upon, friend?

Perhaps one day, when your heart is at its purest and your intentions at their most worthy, you’ll find yourself face to face with a marshmallow that looks like a cat peering out from your hot chocolate. Not today, but maybe someday. Until then you should probably just figure out how to make your own because these things have been floating around (HA) for a few years now and still aren’t available in this sad, pathetic, Not Japan place.

While you’re sitting around feeling sorry for your pathetic marshmallow-cat-less soul, you might as well know that you also can’t have any Bacon Mustard Doritos today. Or any day.

I’m so sorry. We’ll find a way to get through this together. Maybe you could try to make your own kitty paw marshmallows?

SIGH.

P.S. No, now isn’t the time to bring up Kinder Eggs. You know how you get when you think about Kinder Eggs.

P.S.S. Wait, maybe you can. You should probably send Britta an edible arrangement.

Holigays 2013 Gift Guide: 25 Sweaters With Cats On Them

It’s suddenly very very cold. But you know what isn’t cold? Sweaters. And also cats. You know what’s really not cold? Sweaters with cats on them. They sure are cool though.

Full disclosure: some of these might just be sweatshirts.

1. Positive Cat-itude Sweater

You too can be a giant moving cat head.

2. Hugs to Go Sweater in Black Tabby

For anyone who ever wanted one of those cats you could take for a walk on your shoulder but was always too terrified the cat would run away.

3. Cool Cat Sweater

How many cats is too many cats?

4. All Purr-pose Sweater

Are those Reindeer? No, they’re my only friends.

5.Beige & red Cat Skeleton sweater

If you’re not anatomically correct, what are you even doing at this party?

6. Haute Cat-ure Cardigan

Business in the front, cat lady in the back.

7.Heathered Cat Craze Sweater

It say, “I’m comfy but I’m still a lady.”

8. Come Tome to Me Sweatshirt

I believe cat literacy shouldn’t be limited by the fact that cats lack opposable thumbs. Or for that matter an ability to understand human language.

9. Mirror Image Cat Sweater

Cat Sex in The City had a small but devout following

10. Purr Our Conversation Sweatshirt

For the woman who has a lot to say but nothing to talk about.

11. ASOS Cat Sweater

He’s smiling, but getting dressed up like this was pretty traumatic for mittens.

12. I’ll Miss Mew Cardigan

Now with real cat fur!

13.Manhattan Cat Screen Printed Drop-Shoulder Sweater

No one knows the city like your cat knows the city.

14. Now Mew See Me Sweater

If you don’t own a sequined cat sweater, you don’t actually care about cats. Or sequin.

15. Roars and Stripes Sweater

Because size doesn’t matter

16. Magical Cats Baggy Beach Jumper

Everyone needs a best friend. Even the cat on your shirt.

17. Black Cat Sweater

Be prepared to answer questions about the 2003 Animal Planet television film Ghost Cat starring Ellen Page.

18.Character Hero Cat Sweater

Therapy not included

19. Crazy Cat Sweater in Oatmeal

Okay nobody make any “pile of dead kitties” jokes.

20. Adventure Teal Crew Neck Sweater

The true meaning of Christmas is money. Or mew-ney.

21. Cat in Wreath Sweater

You think this is too many bows? Say that to my face. Say that to my adorable little kitten face

22. The Beloved Cat Collage Crewneck

This cat right in the front, yeah, he’s my favorite. The cat below him: my second favorite. The others are tied for third.

23. Meowtal Sweater

Long live Catallica

24. Chill Out Knit Sweater

It’s too bright in here and everyone is talking to loud.

25. Feline Sweater

I don’t want to be a downer, but I do think we should consider the body image issues this cat might provoke in young kittens.

Go get ’em tiger!

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Party of Five: Jacqueline McKenzie, Owner of Crazy Cat Lady Clothing

Party of Five is a quick little ditty where we ask someone (anyone we want) five questions (any five questions we want) and they answer them. This doesn’t have to be necessarily ‘queer’ — it doesn’t have to be anything at all, except five questions and five answers. Today we’ve got Jacqueline, A-Camper and owner of Crazy Cat Lady Clothing.

I was Facebook messaging with my A-Camp September 2013 cabin, the Wildcats. We were all just chatting, talking about what we did for our jobs and then wham, this website comes across my screen:

And I thought, I must have everything on this site. Turns out, this beautiful online store was linked and owned by A-Camper Jacqueline Mackenzie, and she has a few things to tell us about owning a store that sells galaxy-cat-sweaters. And by a few things, I mean five things.

So you have two businesses – tell us a little bit about them!

I run Lucky 7 Shop, which is an indie clothing boutique hosted by the Storenvy marketplace, and I also created a site called Crazy Cat Lady Clothing, which consists exclusively of (you guessed it) cat themed clothing and accessories, as well as home décor.

How did you decide to go into Crazy Cat Lady Clothing? 

The first time I spoke with a young fashion blogger who called herself a “crazy cat lady,” I found it somewhat odd and amusing. That was until I started noticing that there was a huge population of young women who were also very proud to identify as such. Honestly, when I first purchased the domain name I was afraid the fad would pass before I even got a chance to set up the site! Suddenly everyone was selling cat merchandise! Grumpy Cat was booking interviews on major talk shows left and right, and daily cat meme sites were a dime a dozen. Fortunately I did some research before abandoning the idea altogether, and was pleasantly surprised to discover that searches for the term “crazy cat lady” on google have actually been on the rise at a very consistent rate for nearly a decade.

In fact people of all ages have been obsessed with cats since the beginning of time, as far back as ancient Egypt, which was brought to my attention by this meme. So this obsession with cats is nothing new. It has been going on for literally millennia.

With reassured confidence, I was able to use the skills I had acquired by running Lucky 7 Shop to put together Crazy Cat Lady Clothing. It’s a funny, lighthearted concept and one that people can understand very quickly, since the name says it all.  I also created an accompanying blog features mainly adorable and humorous cat photos and artwork, and tries to present it in a quirky and visually appealing way. Thus far it’s been very successful at driving traffic to the store.

What’s the most popular item on the Crazy Cat Lady site?

Our top seller is the gold cat watch.

What’s your favorite item on the Crazy Cat Lady site?

This cat sweater says it all.

This is Jackie McKenzie, btw. Via her Facebook.

Do you have any advice for Straddlers wanting to start their own online retail business? 

Everyone’s experience is unique, but what worked for me was making sure the goal I set was achievable. I decided my sole aspiration was to be self-employed by selling things online, but set no other limitations and I had no time frame. Since the goal was very broad, it never felt impossible. Crazy Cat Lady Clothing has ended up being the perfect fit for me because, although I’ve never owned a cat, I find that many elements of it align with my personal sensibility. Some aspects of the subculture have a dark sense of humor about them, it’s quirky and campy, and very nerdy, but at the same time cat ladies can also be extremely sexy if you look back at the history of fashion photography.  I’ve discovered that many, many lesbians love cats. I find that every person knows at least one crazy cat lady and my hope is that they will refer her to this site.

Please head on over to Crazy Cat Lady Clothing if you should feel so inclined!

Stop Whatever You’re Doing, There’s A Wine For Cats Now

Hansen’s Team Pick:

You know those times when you really just want to drink a glass of wine after work, but you’re hanging out with your cat, and she looks like she’s had a rough day, too, and you feel really guilty for not being able to give her some of your cab sav? This kind of thing can’t only happen to me.

In fact, it would seem that this situation is seemingly universal, because a Japanese company has released wine for cats.

It’s wine. For cats. Cat wine. This is a real thing in the real world that you need to know about.

Pet company B&H Lifes has started producing “wine exclusively for cats” called “Nyan Nyan Nouveau”. In Japanese, “nyan nyan” refers to the sound a cat makes (and yeah, sometimes also refers to a flying cat made of a poptart because why the fuck not). I think adding the Nouveau to Nyan Nyan makes it sound pretty regal, don’t you? This ain’t no Franzia for cats, is what I’m saying.

Okay, before cat lovers round the world collectively clutch their pearls (“think of the kittens!”) you should know that Nyan Nyan Nouveau doesn’t actually contain alcohol. It’s made of juice from Cabernet grapes, Vitamin C, and catnip, but it supposedly tastes a lot like red wine.

Apparently, B&H Lifes developed the drink for cat owners “wanting to celebrate birthdays or Christmas with their beloved cats” but seriously, I think I’d give it to my cat just so I didn’t feel bad about drinking an entire bottle of wine alone. And at only (USD) $4 a bottle, this is a steal of a deal. You may think this all just sounds silly, but I say, “Treat. Yo. Self.” If you can read Japanese, here’s where you can buy it all up. But hurry, because there’s only a production of 1000 bottles, so why not just buy 10?

Brittani’s Video Party: The Secret Life of Geeky Jay Z

Greetings. This is Brittani’s Video Party, where I bring some of the “best” videos from all over my internet together so we can clap, cry or deconstruct. Have you ever gotten to a video and it already has 33 million views and you wonder where the heck have you been? Well I’m here to help you so that you see it when it only has 32 million views. Aim low, world. Aim low.

Header by Rory Midhani

It’s Geek Week on YouTube which, to them, means mostly stuff about gaming. One video speaks to the lack of women in gaming and includes short interviews of women currently working in the gaming industry. It also features the creepiest kind of video game I’ve ever seen. I’m sure you’ll be able to guess which one it is so I won’t ruin the surprise for you.

Researchers have come up with a term called “cute aggression” and it’s not “when a kitten is a aggressively attacking your fingers” like one of the women in the video guesses. It does, however, explain the phenomenon of squeezing things you think are frickin’ adorable. Soul Pancake runs an experiment that involves humans having cute reactions to cute pictures AND bubble wrap.

After its HBO premiere, Jay Z’s performance art film was made available on YouTube. The short compiles footage from Jay’s six hour performance of “Picasso Baby” at the Pace Gallery in New York City. Esteemed homos were in attendance including Jenna Lyons and Mickalene Thomas. I’m super into this. I think if I was there, I would have cried.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMG2oNqBy-Y

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty looks like it’s going to be really good. As someone who spent unreal amounts of time daydreaming in high school, I am (unsurprisingly) interested in this movie. It’s based on a short story by James Thurber and stars Ben Stiller and Kristen Wiig.

If you have a video you think everyone should see, tweet it to @bishilarious for consideration. And of course feel free to post your favorite videos from the week below.

Team Pick: Scientists May Have Cure for Cat Allergies, Everyone Rejoices

Mey’s Team Pick:

Feature Image via corporation-cats.tumblr.com

It’s a tale as old as time, you meet a lady and everything clicks. She laughs at all your jokes, you can’t take your eyes off her bow tie. But when you take her back to your place, things start going downhill fast. First her eyes start watering, then she breaks out in hives, and finally she’s lying on the floor in the fetal position hacking up a lung. You’ve got a pet cat and she’s allergic. Well, thanks to a team of researchers at Cambridge University, you may never need to worry about this happening again.

via knittingbabe.tumblr.com

The team of scientists, led by Dr. Clare Bryant, have isolated the protein in cat dander that combines with histamines in the human body to cause allergic reactions. According to Dr. Bryant:

“When cats lick themselves they spread saliva, hormones and skin cells on to their coat. When the hair falls out, it is proteins in this dandruff stuck on their fur that people are allergic to. How cat dander causes such a severe allergic reaction in some people has long been a mystery. This is the first time we have discovered the process that leads to the allergic reaction. It opens up a whole new type of drug to treat it.”

via memeblock.com

They believe that within five years a pill or inhaler could be on the market that would allow people to play with, pet and snuggle cats without any kind of bad reaction. While current drugs help relieve the symptoms of allergic reactions, this new information could lead to a drug that would block the effects of the dander itself. So, if that cutie you’ve got your eye on has a cat that’s been getting in the way of things, science may be the wingwoman you’ve been waiting for.

Oh, and by the way, there is good news for dog lovers- research suggests that a similar treatment could help with dog allergies as well.

How To Own It: Wearable Cats and Dogs

Hello beautiful, and welcome to How To Own It, where store-bought fashion meets DIY crafts. Each week I’ll be exploring an aesthetic theme, showing you some of the best ways to wear it and how to make it for yourself.

Want to know how to own a look?
Email gabrielle@autostraddle.com or tweet to @Gabrielle_Korn.

Header by Rory Midhani

Performance artist Holly Hughes once said that lesbians are divided along the following lines: dog lesbians, cat lesbians and lesbians with allergies. I love all animals as deeply as I am allergic to them, but I think I’m on paper as a dog lesbian because I’ve found my kindred spirit in a tiny hypo-allergenic puppy mill rescue named Kimberly; maybe you’ve noticed her fluffly face peaking out in pictures I post to this website. I feel like in general, the internet has helped a lot of other people come out about their animal obsessions, too: for example, hopefully we all agree that only a meanie wouldn’t want to spend an hour watching videos of puppies playing with lemons.

someone got too fluffy for her winter jacket!

Basically it appears that we’re all letting our inner crazy cat/dog ladies out into the world, and you know what? She doesn’t seem so crazy after all. In fact, everyone’s inner animal enthusiast has always sworn that sweaters with creatures on them are super chic, and I’m starting to think she has a point. In fact, maybe wearing animals on one’s clothes is a new form of flagging!

Kitties

via dosetimoandar on weheartit

Being allergic to cats is one of my major flaws as a human, to the point that I’ve been tempted to say so during job interviews when asked about my weaknesses. My girlfriend is such a cat lesbian though, and even has two cat tattoos about it, so I feel doubly bad that we can never have one. Anyway, you don’t need to hear about that. What you need to hear about is that you can wear shirts with cats on them and look hot at the same time.

Crewnecks & Scoopnecks
Shortsleeve Tops

Puppies

via lisa d on lookbook

Dog grrrls need team apparel, too. One of the best parts of searching for dog sweaters for this post was that I got a lot of hits for actual dog sweaters, as in sweaters for dogs. Kimberly really needs some new clothes because she’s gotten so much fluffier since last winter (see above). Dog shirts for people are really great too, though! They are just as trendy and whimsical as kitty shirts.

Crewnecks & Scoopnecks
Pajamas

DIY Customized Animal Wearing A Scarf Decal

Perhaps you noticed that many of the animals on the shirts I’ve shown you are accessorized with scarves or bow ties. Perhaps you, like me, think that is a fantastic idea. And maybe you even agree with me that you’d like that idea even better if the animal was your animal. I mean, I would totally wear a sweater with just about any dog on it, but really what would make my life would be to have Kimberly’s face on my shirt. I think it would probably make her happy, too. So, I’m going to show you how to easily make a customizable animal decal that you can sew onto just about anything you want, so that we can all wear things that display our furry pals.

You will need:

a cute animal’s face
a piece of paper
two different kinds of fabric
sewing supplies

1. Take a picture of your animal’s profile. Kimberly’s face is an amorphous fluffy blob right now, so I used an old picture taken after a haircut so that her face shape can actually be seen.

can you even believe this is the same poodle?

2. Draw the outline of the profile. You can do this freehand if you’re fancy, or you can actually use your computer screen as a light box and just trace it! You don’t need to have any real drawing ability to get this to look awesome.

3. Pin your drawing to a piece of fabric and cut it out. If your animal has floppy ears, you should cut around the ears a little bit to differentiate between the ears and the head.

4. To make the scarf, cut a strip of fabric with angled ends. To make sure it’s even, fold it in half and make the angles at once. Lay the strip of fabric underneath the base of your animal profile. Then fold it over in front so that it makes an X, and sew it down.

5. Now all that’s left to do is pick an item of clothing to sew it onto! I picked this v-neck sweater because it already had a hole in it so if I messed up, I wouldn’t be sacrificing anything.

6. Try to find a way to hold your animal while you pose for a picture that shows both your new sweater and your cute friend. Apparently it was really hard for both of us to have all of our eyes open at the same time.

PS I wasn’t going to include this outtake, but the team insisted that I had to. Look at her fucking face:

Why Queer Kittens Need A Better Autostraddle

So if you’ve been around longer than a couple of days, you’re familiar with the fact that Autostraddle has a tendency to break. This is because we have more readers and dreams than we have space and capabilities on this website, which is an interesting/frustrating predicament to be in. It’s stressful also, for all of us.

Earlier today we told you about our fundraising campaign to raise at least $40,000 so we could make our website a new website! We were really nervous about the launch.

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And even though we know that you believe in us, and that you need us as much as we need you, we were still sorta shocked/awed when we surpassed $10k. And then $20k. (!!!) We promised you a post full of kittens when we reached $10k, and here is that post.

For anyone who’s still on the fence — should you donate to Autostraddle or should you buy a new pair of jeans? — I present to you:

Who Needs Autostraddle? Everyone Needs Autostraddle!

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Also even you — you need Autostraddle! And we need you. Donate now!

Top Ten Things That Break More Than This Website

I don’t know if you’ve heard the Jewel song, but rumor has it that “hearts are broken every day.” You know what else is broken every day? iphones. You know what breaks from time to time but is really getting its shit together and will stop breaking eventually? This website!

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Top Ten Things That Break More Than This Website

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10. Mirrors

At this point, who doesn’t have 21 years of bad luck? Amirite?

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9. Headphones

If you’re interested in “being smart about life,” we’ve got a great headphones shopping guide. Or you can continue to spend no more than $20 on headphones and have to replace them every six weeks, like I do. Sidenote; I’ve ventured into $25 territory and the results weren’t convincing.

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8. Phones

One time my friend Carly dropped her phone in the toilet and it wouldn’t stop vibrating, basically it transformed from being a functional phone into a functional mini-vibrator. Presently, my phone is adorned in scotch tape and also, ten million lost souls are googling “i broke my iphone” as we speak. No really, what genius decided to entrust all of these assholes with $600 pieces of super-fragile technology? I’m suspicious about companies creating products that need cases, but selling them without cases. Think about it.

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7. Wine Glasses

I feel like in my twenties everybody was just breaking hearts and wine glasses left and right. North and south, also.

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6. Umbrellas

Umbrellas solely exist in the spirit-realm, like umbrellas aren’t really actual things, they’re just transient ideas. It rains, I hastily purchase an unfortunate umbrella, and within days or weeks it’s broken or lost. The thing is that even if it’s lost and somebody else found it, they probably broke it. All umbrellas end up broken, except the nice ones.

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5. Fast

Goyem of the internet, if you’ve yet to shovel a steaming forkful of my mother’s noodle kugel into your gullet, you’ve not yet lived, nor have you traveled back in time to have break/fast with my family and other families in Ann Arbor circa the late 1980s. However, I admit I cheated in those days. My brother and I had these rapacious metabolisms which required near-constant feedings, so my Mom was fearful of what fasting might do to us, so we just ate like — very little. When I got older, I fasted, because when I got older I was like, a warrior.

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4. Hearts

Oh, honey. Here.

3. Printers

For about two years, my printer only worked if everybody in the room remained motionless for the duration of the printing process. I’m totally serious.

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2. This Faucet

Seriously, what the fuck is up with this faucet? Can a girl get a drink.

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1. Sunglasses

Surviving Winter: The Kit

Get a Cat, Save a Cat With The Teal Cat Project

Jamie’s Team Pick:

Dreamed up by Isa Chandra Moskowitz of Post Punk Kitchen, Denise Muller and Anna Dorfman the basic premise of The Teal Cat Project is simple: $25 to $35 gets you a unique and stylish teal cat. That money goes directly towards affiliated kitty cat rescue programs. Each cat is upcycled with teal spray paint, and outfitted with a numbered tag for authenticity.

The Teal Cat Project specifically supports Trap-Neuter and Release programs:

Trap-Neuter-Return, commonly referred to as “TNR,” is the only method proven to be humane and effective at controlling feral cat population growth. Using this technique, all the feral cats in a colony are trapped, neutered and then returned to their territory where caretakers provide them with regular food and shelter. Young kittens who can still be socialized, as well as friendly adults, are placed in foster care and eventually adopted out to good homes. .

Several cities are beginning to embrace TNR programs, including NYC.

Sorry, but the Teal Cat Project is currently only available in the United States for a limited time, during specific campaigns a few times a year. I KNOW. I WANT EVERYTHING WHEN I WANT IT ALL THE TIME TOO! But it’s a great idea, and if you are impatient you can get a t-shirt, plush doll, cut-out cards or make a donation. A new campaign is planned for January.

Also, you can donate your tchotchkes so they can keep the project going. If you are a manic thrifter like me you could probably use the excuse to put your cat figurines to a good cause. (But note: Cats should be single cats, and not salt shakers or candlestick holders.)

Oh look! Here is a Teal Cat in the wild!

Write Your Paper Faster With Kittens

feature image by bigtallguy

Emily’s Team Pick:

It’s the end of the semester and you probably have, like, 4 research papers due in the next 3 days but you are so tired and don’t want to write them and instead you are reading this. Well, my friends, my roommate has just discovered the greatest essay writing tool of all time.

It’s called Written? Kitten! and this is what happens: for every 100 (or more, you can change it) words you write, a picture of a kitten pops up!

If your browser supports it, Written Kitten will also save your essay so you can close the window and not lose it. Obvs it’s also probably better if you save it somewhere else too, though.

Do you need more motivation than this!?

OPEN THREAD: A Case of the Mondays

Feature Image Photography © jmberman1 2009

Wow, so, it’s Monday and everyone is SUPER cranky. Well, all of my friends (I have approximately three friends) are cranky. Also content is trickling in slowly today. Did you know that Rosie O’Donnell is marrying her hot new girlfriend? Well she is. That happened today, so it’s probably a pretty good day for Rosie O’Donnell. If you were to buy a calendar (or t-shirt!) today then it would be a happier day for me and for you and for the post office. Also, somebody found a new planet for us to live on after we destroy this one, which is good news for our unborn children who will probably be just as insane as we are.

“I think this day would have been improved if i had been run over by a truck at the beginning of it.”
– Rachel Kincaid, Senior Editor of Autostraddle.com

Anyhow, let’s just chat. What are you doing today? What are you having for dinner? Did you see or talk to any cute girls today? Is it cold where you live? Are you prevented from doing your laundry efficiently by a chatty neighbor you just can’t talk to because you are unnaturally averse to small talk? SPILL IT.

Do you know about Brenda Ann Spencer, this total psychopath who went on a shooting spree at an elementary school and when asked why she did it, said “I don’t like Mondays”? That’s fucked up, right?

If you say something really devastatingly amazing and you get like 10,000 +1 votes on your comment, I’ll mail you some stickers, maybe.

Everything Is Better With Cats, Especially Books

Carmen’s Team Pick:

I think I would have read more of the assigned books in high school if they’d featured some sort of kitten. And I’m not even a cat person! Guys I have a dog, did you know?

But how can you not be a kitten person?

Every person is a kitten person.

“Kitty Lit 101” made me wish every book was about a kitten, because then instead of reading about other people all day, I could have been reading about a kitten. Don’t you agree with me on this one? Fuzzy things are the most interesting, if you ask me.

You totally can’t judge a book by it’s cover, though. This is about more than kittens cleverly juxtaposed with text. This is about how much better plots would be if they were about cats. I’ve never even read The Count of Monte Cristo, but this sounds so much fuzzier and captivating:

After being framed for peeing on the bedroom carpet by the dog and exiled into the super-cold-tile-floor laundry room by cruel Dad, the Cat of Monte Cristo embarks on an elaborate plot of revenge, revealing Dad’s online pornography habit and the dog’s sordid defacement of family heirlooms all during a family reunion.

Sorry everyone, I have to go read Romeow and Juliet now:

The classic tale of a star-crossed love: cat falls in love with dog; a doomed romance from both social and scientific viewpoints.  Despite disapproving families and the laws of interspecies mating, Romeow goes the distance to prove his devotion to Juliet.  Juliet returns the favor by biting Romeow, who has to get 12 stitches at the vet, and isn’t allowed to be an outdoor cat anymore.

See you in Kitty Lit class.

Last Chance to Be a Part of the Most Inspirational Fundraising Drive in All of Herstory

These are the final days of our Fun(d)raiser to Save Autostraddle from Not Being a Thing! Last weekend we asked you to please pretty please give what you could and maybe also buy some stickers because we really needed your help. And then you guys blew our minds with generosity and love and helpful emails and WE LOVE YOU. We’ve always loved you, but now we can stop worrying about how to pay for the dedicated server long enough to really revel in this love for a little while.

So far we’ve raised $16, 253 through generous donations and sticker sales!!

(UPDATE: Saturday night 11:59 PM PST – $18, 156!)

And even more of you have signed up to be AS subscribers which is excellent, it’s the closest thing to a “reliable paycheck” we will probably ever know. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Our goal is $20,000 by the end of this week and we are super goal-oriented (it says so on our unused resumés) so getting to that number would be EXCELLENT. Every dollar you send our way is going directly into fleshing out our brilliant ideas and making sure we have enough macaroni and cheese to get through the week. We are “stepping it up” and “adding new things.” We are SO EXCITED about what the future looks like! It looks hot, you guys, and it couldn’t have been a thing without you.

You have a couple of days left to donate to the biggest most insanely successful and exciting fun(d)raiser in Autostraddle history!! Buy stickers! Do you want a zine from Emily? She’ll send you one! Just let us know.

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In celebration of this triumphant push, many team members have made kittens for you.

In celebration of this final push, everyone on the team has made you a kitten. Isn’t that nice.

by katrina "kc danger" casino

by Rachel K

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by Intern Emily

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by Rachel K

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by Intern Emily

by intern hot laura

by lindsay

by Carmen

by julie goldman & brandy howard

by intern hot laura

by alex

by intern hot laura

by Jess R

by Annika

We Love You

This whole time I had this fear that we talked about a lot — this fear that one day we’d get to the point financially where we just couldn’t go on one more minute. When we’d totally run out of money. This fear rose up a lot, like for 500 different reasons that will all be in the book we write in 20 years. What would we do? What would you do?

This week that fear seemed closer to being realized than, really, ever before and Oh! It turns out that you would catch us just before we hit the bottom of our homosexual well and be Oh I DON’T KNOW the best readers in the universe.

The weirdest part is we can’t always see you, we don’t know who you are but we love you. We want to touch all of your faces and hug you all. These people on the internet. I don’t know why I tell myself every formspring compliment comes from the same five people, or why when I mentioned the likelihood of us not existing next year I didn’t think anyone would care / freak out. But we told you that we needed help and then what you did is that you helped us.

We’re especially excited to go through all the emails from people who want to help us become A Thing that makes money like Real People.

This is really good because WE LOVE DOING THIS and do believe, honestly, that we’ve got something really special and awesome and dreamy happening here and we’re all just thrilled to be a part of it.

We just want you to know that we love you. We love you so much. Here’s a recap of why:

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Photography © jmberman1 2009

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We’ve raised about $9,500 through the amazingness of our readers (in donations and sticker sales) (ETA MONDAY 11:46 PM PST – $12,747) and we never thought that was possible and we are so grateful. We’re gonna keep this push going for the rest of the week because any subsequent donations would be in no way superfluous or unneeded and let’s just roll so that we never have to talk about money again because everyone hates talking about money.

We’ve also gotten a lot of applications for people who want to help us make money and we’re really excited about the future and are going to write really amazing posts this week starting tomorrow we promise!

WE LOVE YOU

WE LOVE YOU

WE LOVE YOU

LA FASHION WEEK

WE LOVE YOU