Sunday Top Ten: Raddest Computer Games I Played In The ’80s and ’90s
Welcome to the eighth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
My Mom insisted that my brother and I were mistaken when we insisted a video game console was necessary to our existence, considering that we had a Mac and a PC in our home, the latter utilized mostly for games (and eventually for Prodigy, which was basically AOL 1.0), the former provided to my Dad by his employer. She was right, I now realize, but at the time I couldn’t, because my friends talked about Super Mario Brothers all the time and nobody wanted to talk to me about Gold Rush!. As you can see, I was clearly living a life of oppression and misery and it’s truly remarkable that I made it this far in life considering those circumstances. That changes today. Today I am determined to locate even just one human being who spent countless hours controlling the Amquack Railroad in order to make enough cash to build a tire swing for Huey, Duey and Louie.
In January, The Internet Archive released over 2,000 classic DOS games for us to play for free on the internet, which our Geekery Editor Ali celebrated by spending an entire Saturday revisiting these fond memories. You might want to do that after reading this, too. Plus, you’ll find yourself exempt from the holiest of old-school-computer-game rituals: removing and inserting a new floppy disk for each ascendant level of play.
The screenshots here come from a variety of sources including the aforementioned Internet Archive, as well as from The Adventure Gamer, Dos Game Archives, Moby Games, My Abandon Ware and Abandonia.
Top Ten Dudical Computer Games I Played In The Computer Room
10. Sim Life (1992)
“A complex game in which you can create your own ecosystems, animals or vegetables, then watch them eat, evolve, mate, or die. Feel free to create funky animals! How about a giant snail that would have to eat several trees each day to survive – or a small kangaroo that would lay eggs and eat only bugs? You can even edit their DNA code, and make your animals mutate.” (via)
Basically, I was on board for whatever the good people of SimLand wanted me to do with my time, but I found SimLife intensely unsatisfying, perhaps due to my ambivalence towards animals in general and disinterest in science. This shit was complicated and, I suspect, genuinely educational. But thank you SimLife for introducing me to the term “gestation period.”
9. Sim Ant (1991)
“In SimAnt, the player plays the role of an ant in a colony of black ants in the back yard of a suburban home. The ant colony must battle against enemy red ants. The ultimate goal is to spread throughout the garden, into the house, and finally to drive out the red ants and human owners. In this respect, SimAnt differed from other ‘Sim’ games that were open-ended and had no victory conditions.” (via)
I have no idea how this could’ve possibly been fun, but it actually was? I think my little brother was better at SimAnt than me. I hated when my brother was better at things than me.
8. Black Cauldron (1986)
“You are Taran, assistant Pig keeper, living in Caer Dalben. Soon you’ll notice that your pig HenWen has magical powers… The Evil Horned King want that pig so that he can locate the black cauldron and rule the world. You must stop him.” (via)
Based on a ’60s fantasy book series for children, The Black Cauldron was an epic flop of a Disney movie before it became a Sierra Game that my brother and I were obsessed with. I think this was the first computer game we ever played ’cause I remember playing it in the basement, which’s where our computer was before “computer rooms” became a thing. My primary recollection of this game is begging our parents to let us call the 1-900 number in the manual for hints on how to advance past stubborn levels of unfairness. It was like $2.95 a minute or something ridiculous but also that was the only way to get anywhere in this game. It was hard and we were so small.
7. Mixed-Up Mother Goose (1987)
“In a dream, you are carried on gooseback to the fantasy land where nursery rhymes are true stories. Mother Goose has inadvertently mixed up all her rhymes, and it’s up to you to fix it.” (via)
I’d forgotten about this game ’til scrolling through the Internet Archive selections and then it all came back to me, all my memories of helping Humpty Dumpty find his ladder in a hot panic. Apparently the game was designed by a woman, Roberta Williams, who’s also pictured on the front of the game box. Also: nursery rhymes are dark, y’all. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe who needed broth to feed all her children and a dude who survives on a diet of pumpkin whose wife keeps leaving him and a girl who lost her sheep. Losing your sheep is the worst.
6. Donald Duck’s Playground (1984)
“The plot is simple. You as Donald Duck have various workplaces to choose from to earn money which you need to buy items for the playground of your nephews.” (via)
Donald Duck’s Playground was, then, not really one game so much as it was lots of tiny games absorbing the warm embrace of a larger umbrella game. Just watching screen grabs of Donald sorting luggage at McDuck Airlines or failing to catch a flying watermelon at The Produce Market makes my heart race. I loved games where you had to work different jobs to obtain small amounts of money which you could then put towards building something glorious for your friends to enjoy. That’s basically Autostraddle’s Business Plan, which means Donald Duck Playground is Autostraddle’s root.
5. Oregon Trail (1985)
“As a covered wagon party of pioneers, you head out west from Independence, Missouri to the Willamette River and valley in Oregon. You first must stock up on provisions, and then, while traveling, make decisions such as when to rest, how much food to eat, etc. The Oregon Trail incorporates simulation elements and planning ahead, along with discovery and adventure, as well as mini-game-like activities (hunting and floating down the Dalles River).” (via)
Apparently, being born in 1981 makes me part of the “Oregon Trail Generation.” As Anna Garvey wrote for Social Media Week, “If you can distinctly recall the excitement of walking into your weekly computer lab session and seeing a room full of Apple 2Es displaying the start screen of Oregon Trail, you’re a member of this nameless generation, my friend.” Guilty as charged. Oregon Trail, however, unlike the other games on this list, was a game I only played in school — there was really no need to have it at home, because we got plenty in the classroom. According to the comments on Ali’s post, y’all are really into this game and are aware that cholera is a bitch.
4. Gold Rush! (1988)
“The story follows the misadventures of a city slicker named Jerrod Wilson. A journalist for a Brooklyn newspaper, Jerrod’s main goal in life is to go to California and find his long-lost brother who has been accused of a crime he didn’t commit. Jerrod also hopes to find gold, become rich, and settle down with the lady of his dreams. It is up to you to help Jerrod accomplish his goals. He’ll face many dangers in the Old West, so keep on your toes in order to protect him from danger.” (via)
This was absolutely my favorite adventure game, and pretty much taught me everything I needed to know about moving to California from New York: you might get rich but you probably won’t, everyone will try and fuck with you, there will be a genuine ambiance of opportunity but no concrete path towards it, the weather will be fantastic and you’ll never really be sure if things are better than they were in Brooklyn. I was shocked to learn that this was one of Sierra’s more unpopular adventure games! It’s so good!
3. Sim City (1989)
“The original SimCity.. was one of the most innovative titles of its time, allowing the gamer to plan, build, and maintain a city from scratch…. You start out with nothing but a bit of money, and a piece of land, and it’s your job to create and maintain a city. As City Planner, you choose what goes where: residential, industrial, and commercial zoning as well as transit and power. You need to maintain equilibrium to keep your city flowing smoothly; each type of zone relies on the other, and you must create the perfect balance.” (via)
This was the first game besides solitaire that we installed on the black-and-white Mac SE/30, and it quickly consumed me entirely. SimCity convinced me that running a city is really hard and introduced me to the concept of Industrial / Residential / Commercial zoning. Also, I learned that power plants are bad and kill people, and if you don’t plant enough trees, people will murder each other. If I could go back in time and do it all again, I’d turn Bernardville into a lesbian separatist commune.
2. Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego (1989)
“This time you continue to catch Carmen Sandiego and her american gang in the U.S.A. Breaking from jail somewhere in Europe, she comes to yankees to steal their treasures. You as ACME detective have to travel from town to town on the tail of suspect, using clues and collecting evidences, which allow you to put suspect to jail finally. The words of witnesses are clues for you only if you have basical geographical and historical knowledge.” (via)
Real talk: I’m fucking amazing at this game. THIS IS WORLD’S BEST GAME. Not only am I killer at the computer game, but I’m also adept at being an armchair competitor for the live TV show game. I consistently found myself smarter than everybody else, especially for the final round when they had to locate things on the map.
1. Sim City 2000 (1994)
Sim City was the greatest, but once Sim City 2000 debuted, all bets were off. I loved this game — the first we installed on the new COLOR Mac Centris — more than I’d ever loved a game before. The main challenge of SimCity 2000 was that I never managed to succeed without using cheat codes to bulk up my bank account. Building cities is hard-to-impossible. Hats off to all you people who try to do this in real life.
Okay, now you’re gonna tell me about The Sims and I want you to know that I am 33 years old, which means I didn’t get into “The Sims” until just after graduating from college. At which point I got way too into The Sims and had to stop.
Recommended follow-up K-Holes:
- Abandonia – one of the largest DOS game websites in the world (which survives on donations!) with forums, an incredible database and so many downloadable games. “It’s like an old gaming arcade with all the old games in their original format,” say its creators.
- Abandonware – Thousands of games to download for free (organized by theme, creator, and more) and tons of screenshots.
- The Adventure Gamer – This guy plays ALL OF THE GAMES and reviews them for you in clear and relevant detail. If your Mom wouldn’t let you play Leisure Suite Larry, this guy played it for you, okay? I enjoyed reliving Gold Rush through this guy’s eyes.
SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD COMPUTER ADVENTURES, GUMSHOES!
Sunday Top Ten: Spectacular Nature Documentaries For Watching While Wrapped Up In A Blanket
Welcome to the seventh edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
Hello, world, and welcome to the Sunday Top Ten. Yesterday was Saturday Staycation Spectacular Day and I promised my girlfriend Abby I wouldn’t work all the live-long day long, but prospects were dimming on Friday as the big day approached and my to-do list continued to attack me with its monster claws. That’s when Abby — who was home sick but goes insane if she’s not being as productive as possible at any given moment (just like me! match made in heaven!) — asked if there was anything she could do to help ensure I’d actually have a day off this week and I was like, Yeah you could write the Sunday Top Ten for me. SO HERE WE ARE.
If you followed my work back when I was a tiny thing with a little blog, you will recognize the grand tradition of outsourced Sunday Top Tens, which in the past have included my pal Crystal, my little brother Lewis, my then-girlfriend TB and my best friend Natalie.
If you’ve only followed my work here on this website, you’re also likely aware that I don’t do animals, science or nature. I had to take one science class in college and I took a class about monkeys because monkeys are cute. I took it pass/fail. I PASSED. That’s the best science-related thing I’ve ever done. According to reader surveys, my disinterest in these topics is very sad for you! HERE’S YOUR BIG CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT NATURE AND SCIENCE MOVIES, YA WEIRDOS. Speaking of weirdos, if you ever wondered “will Riese ever find a life companion who can out-weirdo her” — good news.
TOP 10 NATURE DOCUMENTARIES THAT I WATCHED WHILE WRAPPED IN A BLANKET AND TOTALLY ENGAGED
by Abby
1. At the Edge of Space (Nova / PBS)
This was one I immediately clicked on just because of the title. It talks to real-life scientists about real-life PHENOMENA w/r/t space and time and all the mysteries in between. Also, we all know that NOVA can do no wrong.
2. The Blue Planet (BBC)
First off, this might become a list of documentaries about life in the ocean because that’s my fave subject. This was the first documentary about life in the ocean that I watched after the way-too-perfect Planet Earth series. Second off, David Attenborough narrates. Third off, sardines. Fourth — sharks and whales, sharks and whales, SHARKS AND WHALES!!!
3. Crocpocalypse (Nat Geo)
Don’t always judge a book by it’s cover, sure — but do often judge a documentary by it’s clever title. After you watch this, I would love to hear your opinion on crocodiles as a possible household pet.
4. Leave it to Beavers (Nature / PBS)
This was amazing. I saw this sometime last year when I was tripped out on cough syrup and thought I was watching The Angry Beavers — but instead stumbled upon an eye-opening piece on the true genius of beavers. They call them hydro-engineers! Which is also what I think Riese’s brother’s job title is. Maybe they should rename this documentary Leave It To Lewis.
5. Wild China (BBC)
I’m actually watching this as we speak. It’s amazing. China is home to a diverse array of climates and terrains. Wild China goes from cave fishes to swallows in rice paddies — all while explaining the history and culture of these diverse regions. Also how cute are the monkeys?! Like come on.
6. David Attenborough Wildlife Specials (BBC)
I could get a tattoo that says “I LOVE DAVID ATTENBOROUGH” and never regret it. I could take Autostraddle’s “Misandrist” tee and scribble just underneath the finely-laid gold print “except David Attenborough.” I’d buy David Attenborough a sandwich at Whole Foods and not even wince when the cashier asks me for twelve dollars. If I like him so much, why don’t I marry him, right? Cause I’m just a little too gay. A little too gay. So instead, I’ll just watch “Humpback Whale: Giant Of The Oceans” over and over. Although this could be a list of “Top 10 Nature Documentaries David Attenborough Is Involved In,” I’m going for a little more rounded approach. But don’t that stop you from a D.A. marathon. Go forth!
7. The National Parks: America’s Best Idea (PBS)
The National Parks are possibly the best thing about this country. Even if it’ll take me a lifetime to get to all of them, Ken Burns and his camera crew will do in the meantime. Them panoramic shots, am I right?!
8. Africa (BBC)
I used to wonder why celebrities would put movie theatres in their houses when they are in the 1% that can afford a movie ticket — and then I watched this. This makes me want to build a house of movie screens and watch this everywhere. P.S. Guess who narrates?!
9. Vanishing Pearls
Though this is definitely more on the political side of nature documentaries, I still think it’s very important to include. It’s so good. It’s so so good. Sometimes I’ll even tear up while talking about and/or hearing about it because it’s so good. Watch it. So good!
10. Search for the Great Sharks (Discovery)
I don’t give a damn about their bad reputation — I love sharks. I’ve always loved sharks. I’m pretty sure this was one of my first nature documentaries – my grandma took me to see it in the IMAX theatre in downtown Indianapolis (big day out!) and it was love at first bite (haw haw). Intelligent, athletic, and the victim of some pretty gnarly marketing (re: Jaws) these creatures have endured and hopefully will continue to. Also — be the coolest kid during Shark Week and know ALL the shark facts!
What are your favorite nature documentaries, readers?
Sunday Top Ten: Jobs I Didn’t Get Before I Invented This One
Welcome to the sixth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
When people ask me why I started Autostraddle I tell them that I always wanted to be the editor of a magazine, but since nobody would hire me to be the editor of their magazine, I decided to make my own magazine. There’s a much longer version of that story but that’s a quickie and it’s pretty true.
In our recent Grown-Up Reader Survey, a lot of readers expressed dissatisfaction with their jobs and unrest regarding their career paths. Even in our thirties and forties, we’re still figuring it out, you know? It takes time but we get there — my Mom, for example, did a major career switch in her forties from nutritionist to social worker. And a lot of us take 10+ years to finally find a job we can keep! For me, that meant inventing my own job.
Magazine editorships were really the tip of the iceberg w/r/t things people did not want to hire me to do. Like probably 99.9% of the human beings reading this, I’ve applied for and was ignored or rejected for hundreds of positions with hundreds of employers. I’ve been thwarted in my attempts to become so many things: a writer, administrative assistant, office manager, blogger, waitress, nanny, sex toy reviewer, temp, tutor, bookkeeper, cashier, after-school program coordinator, bartender — you name it, I’ve been told I can’t do it. I spent my first post-college summer in New York getting hired and fired like crazy. Eventually, I made it through my twenties with a mixture of jobs that are too illegal to mention here and some random internships, freelancing and copywriting.
I also poured so much brilliance into so many cover letters, but now that I’m a person who reads other people’s cover letters I realize how many unpredictable unknowable elements go into hiring (or not hiring) a person. The key to making it through is not taking anything personally. There are employers who only post new positions as a formality despite them being already-filled in house, there are employers who accept the first qualified applicant they receive without reading other cover letters. (We don’t do that, but I’ve worked places where that was done!)
Here are some of my most relevant rejections.
1. JANE Magazine Internship, 1999
Wouldn’t you want to hire this winner
I was 18 years old. With help from the Sarah Lawrence Career Counseling Office, I’d secured an interview for an internship at my favorite magazine, JANE. I was thrilled. I’d recently had a minor mental breakdown and decided to take a semester off (which eventually turned into me leaving Sarah Lawrence for good and moving back to Michigan), and an internship like this one would be JUST THE THING to enable a strong sense of self-worth despite, you know, having just dropped out of college.
It was my first interview for a job that didn’t involve pasta salad or folding t-shirts and I lacked nice shoes, so I borrowed a friend’s shoes but they were too small and by the time I arrived at The Conde Nast building my feet were blistered and bleeding. Furthermore, I’d realized that morning when I woke up in a friend’s NYU dorm that people brought resumes to interviews and I hadn’t brought one with me to the city. Luckily, a rogue resume turned up, folded between pages of a notebook I had in my bag, but somehow, by the time I sat down for the interview after limping across the office, the ragged resume had gotten stuck with gum to a flier about an anti-KKK rally I’d recently attended. When I handed the sticky resume and flier to “Bill,” my interviewer, he was visibly repelled. I think I tried acid for the first time that night.
I went on to snag a full-time position at The Olive Garden.
2. BUST Magazine Internship, 2001
Heeeyeyyy girrrrrlll
I was a sophomore at the University of Michigan planning to spend the summer in New York with my best friend who, like all of her friends and everybody I knew from the New York tri-state area, had internships with magazines or agencies that summer that they’d garnered through family connections. I refused to believe that connections were all that mattered, even when my BFF frankly informed me that most internships were filled with the daughters of Dads who knew people. Unfortunately my Dad was dead and G-d and His various Angels in Heaven were not hiring summer interns. Neither was Bust, but I figured nobody’s Dad had connections there and so I applied anyhow, despite my concern that working for a feminist magazine might prevent me from finding a boyfriend (I hadn’t exactly “come out to myself” yet). Why did I feel that way? Because I was the worst, reader. BECAUSE I WAS THE WORST. I was not worthy of the internship, ultimately. I hope they read my Diaryland though.
The good news is that I still did manage to sign up for a writing class at Columbia AND secure a full-time summer position at The Olive Garden!
3. Rolling Stone Receptionist, 2004
I imagined it would go something like this
WHO COULD SAY NO TO A COVER LETTER WITH AN OPENING PARAGRAPH LIKE THIS
“I want to be your receptionist. I want to send your faxes, copy your papers, address your envelopes, ‘traffic” your phone calls and smile at your guests. Although my resume will indicate that I have no experience whatsoever with these tasks, I am hoping you could overlook that small fact and grant me the pleasure of working—in any capacity — for a magazine which has consistently served as a vehicle for the most prolific, creative and groundbreaking feature writing in all of journalism. I admit that the only reason I am applying for this job is because I, like many other aspiring journalists, cling to the cinematic dream that, as I am nonchalantly Xeroxing, the editor of Rolling Stone will saunter up beside me, say he’s always noticed the writing talent I display in my memos, and request that I compose 30 words about Johnny Cash for possible insertion in the lower-left-hand sidebar of a feature story that someone else wrote. Before long, I will be holding the Dictaphone for Jay-Z’s interview or fact-checking The College Edition.”
I’ll tell you who: a smart HR department that wanted an actual receptionist.
4. Jane Magazine Writer, 2005
Really I thought opening my cover letter with a hilarious anecdote about that time I interviewed for an internship with my resume stuck to an anti-KKK Rally flier would really speak to the JANE Magazine demographic and definitely at least get me an interview. ALAS, motherfuckers, ALAS. Stay tuned for It Happened To Me: Nobody Would Hire Me To Work Here.
5. Untitled Web Project With Prominent NYC-Based Magazine Publisher, 2007
Once upon a time if you lived in New York and had a good personal blog, you got seen — or, rather, you got linked on gawker and then you got seen: by publishers, by magazine editors. I got seen by the Executive Web Editor at [Largest magazine publishing company in the universe basically], who wanted me and my snarky-but-kind-and-honest voice for a new women’s site they were developing. FINALLY I WAS BEING SEEN FOR THE HOT YOUNG TALENT THAT I WAS. The focus was, obtusely, celebrity news, but nice and servicey. I sent ideas and wrote test columns on topics including Anna Nicole Smith’s weight loss supplement and Britney Spears’ overall situation. In my first face-to-face meeting, I was told my style and ideas were great but I really needed to read Strunk & White cover-to-cover and re-evaluate my casual dismissal of the proper usage of “its” vs. “it’s.” At some point, she decided I’d be better as a columnist and proposed I write a daily blog about what it’s like to effortlessly be so damn skinny called “Skinny Bitch.” Then she went off the grid for a week and came back to say she wasn’t sure I was capable of writing something new about being skinny every single day. To be fair, she was right. As far as I know, the project never got off the ground anyhow.
Although it was devastating at the time, I’m not devastated in retrospect. I learned an important lesson: I’d passed the age at which my incredible writing skills could overshadow shitty grammar. Sure, I was a published writer, I had an English degree with honors… but somehow, despite all that, I still didn’t take some very simple things seriously enough. Now that I have my own business and read heaps of cover letters myself, I wonder just how many jobs I lost over using the wrong form of “its.”
Also midway through edits on my Anna Nicole Smith article, Anna Nicole Smith died. So.
6. Chris Meloni’s Assistant, 2006
Honestly, I just wanted to touch Mariska Hargitay’s hair. Unsure why I wasn’t picked for this one as I am very detail-oriented and would’ve really enjoyed $35 dollars an hour.
7. Executive Assistant to Patent Law Lawyers, 2007
Once upon a time I was best friends with a girl who turned out to be a huge liar. When I talk about her I call her Olive, so that’s what I’m gonna do now. It’s a story that comes up a lot ’cause it’s quite a doozy, but one memorable element of the story is this: aware that I’d been struggling to find employment, Olive’s lawyer father’s assistant reached out to me about working for his firm. We went back and forth about the position and what it entailed and Olive regaled me with stories about free Blackberries and closets full of Starbucks cards. I was eager to get started when the day before my first day, Olive informed me that the baby son her father had recently sired with his 26-year-old wife had been dropped on its head by the nanny and died. The mother was a mess and they’d gone immediately to some tropical island somewhere.
Suddenly everything was in limbo, and I was tasked with getting rid of an extensive list of expensive baby furniture, apparel and accessories they no longer needed. They didn’t want the money for it, I could keep that, they just needed everything gone, and his assistant Jeff was to be my point man for shipping the materials once I’d facilitated the sale of enough furniture to pay my rent and then found mothers in need to send everything else to for free. I did that, but when it came time to ship stuff, I couldn’t get ahold of anybody. Every single one of them was ignoring every e-mail I sent, and I didn’t have a phone number.
A few days later, I finally heard from the man himself, saying he was unsure why I’d not already received my letter of termination. He’d apparently seen my blog and was appalled, saying that he didn’t know why his daughter “thought it would be acceptable for you to represent me and my name” considering that I am someone who “openly discusses drug use, illegal activities, their sexual experiences and encounters, and everything else you write about, working for me.”
I’d been so hopeful, and I was so crushed.
Olive sent me money to refund the eBay sellers and, as I recall, did buy a new stroller for one of the moms-in-need I’d found. But it’d be another seven months before I’d find out that I’d never emailed with Olive’s father, let alone his assistants. All those e-mails had been sent by Olive herself, playing different characters. There’d never been a job at his law firm or baby furniture. “I always thought it was sketchy, that story about the nanny dropping a baby on its head,” said a helpful friend.
8. Pop-culture-lifestyle-
I sent these folks a really charming cover letter and really made what I thought was a strong case for hiring me. Then I received the following in return: “Great! Test article! What makes the best kitty litter! Need quotes and discuss various litters available! What is the best kitty litter!”
9. AfterEllen Writer, 2007 and 2008
I’d applied to be a writer in 2007, but never heard back. Then I met the editor at the NewNowNext Awards in 2008, and emailed the next day about writing for the site, but never heard back. This seems funny in retrospect.
10. Editor for Major Media Women’s Pop Culture Site, October 2008
Y’all. You know that one job listing you see that sends you into a near-panic-attack because it is everything you’ve ever wanted in life? This was that for me. This position came to me in a dream, this position was given to me at birth by the hands of fate, this position screamed my name from an expansive canyon. I fit the bill for just about everything this position wanted in a person: I was a well-known blogger and established freelance writer, I had experience in publishing (I’d worked at a literary agency) and in online magazines (I’d interned at nerve), I had lots of good ideas and vision and I wanted to be a leader. I applied with optimism but never heard back. I still wonder sometimes what the website was that I was applying for.
I think not getting that job was a turning point for me, which’s why I included it here — I realized that I probably wasn’t considered for the spot ’cause despite all my blogging and freelancing, I didn’t have any experience as a paid 9-to-5 staff member of a magazine or newspaper … and lots of other applicants did. Moreover, I didn’t want to be a staff writer at a magazine or work my way up. I wanted to be in charge from day one, something that had become crystal-clear to me when I started fantasizing about getting that job.
So I had to strike out on my own. And literally every single job I had gotten — some of which were definitely not my first choice — taught me skills I use in this job, from handling customer service e-mails (which I did for MoveOn) to accounting on Quickbooks (which I did at the literary agency) to writing job ads (which I did as an HR copywriter for a company in Australia). I learned so much interning for Nerve (which was my first choice, and I freaked out with delight when I got it, finally feeling seen), even, and I don’t think I could’ve done this if I hadn’t done that.
Every tiny disappointment was tough at the time, but I’m glad it played out how it did. Otherwise we wouldn’t all be here, right? Plus I’ve got many more decades of life ahead of me in which I plan to write a lot of books. There’s still time. That was the hardest thing to understand, swallow and digest: even here, even now, even approaching my mid-thirties, there is still so much time.
Sunday Top Ten: Heartwarming Midwestern and Southern Restaurant Chains I Miss
Welcome to the fifth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
Recently when we were back in the heartland visiting family, my Aunt took my girlfriend Abby’s hands in her hands and said, “We’re so glad Marie has met a nice girl from the Midwest.” Probably what she meant by that was, “We’re so glad you’ve found another human being who knows what Frisch’s sauce is.” You know?
To be real, you can really only eat at these places like twice a month before your intestines revolt and strangle you in your sleep, but like, it’s nice to have the option.
Top 11 Restaurant Chains That Exist (Or Used To Exist) In The Midwest But Not In California
Most of my restaurant chain consumption has occurred in Michigan and Ohio, so these are all places that are in one or both of those places but not in California, where I presently live.
11. Chi-Chi’s
Founded in 1975 in Richfield, Minnesota. Headquarters were in Louisville, Kentucky when the chain closed down its US operations in 2004.
Chi-Chi’s in Madison, Wisconsin, 1981
This particular restaurant doesn’t exist anywhere in the United States or Canada anymore, because it went bankrupt in 2004. This is a tragedy because of Fried Ice Cream. Apparently you can still get Chi-Chi’s products at the grocery store, or visit a Chi-Chi’s outlet in China, Belgium, Luxembourg, the United Arab Emirates, Kuwait or Indonesia. Another fun fact: The U.S. Trademark Trial and Appeal Board denied the restaurant’s 2001 application to trademark the word “salsafication.”
10. Shoney’s
Alex Schoenbaum’s Parkette Drive-In, founded in 1947 in Charleston, West Virginia, became a Big Boy Franchise named “Shoney’s” in 1954. Current headquarters in Nashville, TN.
1970s Shoney’s in Charleston, West Virginia via flickr
My cousin waited tables at the Shoney’s out by the outlet mall off Route 71, we’d always give her really big tips UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO ONLY TIPPED A DOLLAR. She’d always tell us about the bad tips.I loved visiting my cousin at Shoney’s, it was like we were in with the band. What do they serve at Shoney’s? Food. All the different kinds of food. Side salads with iceberg lettuce and ranch dressing. Reliably standard cheeseburgers. Wholesome American dining, no surprises, just the way I liked it.
9. Golden Corral
Founded in 1973 in Fayetteville, North Carolina. Headquarters in Raleigh, NC.
Update: Apparently there are like three Golden Corrals in California, I’ve just never seen them.
I’ve actually never been to Golden Corral, I’ve just seen it everywhere. Luckily, Abby has been, and wrote this paragraph for you: “the golden corral. a place where french charcuterie and tex-mex meet. a place where family gather over sweet rolls with sweeter butter, diet cokes, and trays, yes trays, of food. a place where i learned to put nacho cheese on macaroni and cheese. a place where anything is possible.”
8. Steak ‘N Shake
Founded in 1934 in Normal, Illinois. Headquarters in Indianapolis, IN.
There’s nothing particularly special about the actual cheeseburgers or milkshakes themselves at this restaurant, its brilliance lies in the fact that its name commands you to eat both of those items together. But if you go in there thinking, “nope, no milkshake for me today,” you’re gonna change your mind as soon as you open the behemoth milkshake menu and see that every flavor you’ve ever dreamed of is in it and ten more you never knew you’d always wanted.
7. Bob Evans
Began in 1946 as a single truck stop diner near the Bob Evans Farm in Rio Grande, Ohio. Headquarters in Columbus, OH.
Bob Evans in Rio Grande, Ohio, via flickr
This one time in Traverse City, Krista and I went to Bob Evans and couldn’t decide what to have for breakfast so we literally ordered just about everything on the menu and then basically killed ourselves. I feel #blessed that on my last trip to Indiana, we ate at Bob Evans not once BUT TWO TIMES.
6. Waffle House
Opened in Avondale Estates, Georgia in 1955. Headquarters in Norcross, GA.
Original Waffle House, 1964
What does Waffle House do best? Waffle House consistently excels at being open. It’s open at 2AM, it’s open on Christmas! I’ve also enjoyed a lot of Waffle Houses while visiting friends in Georgia over the years (I don’t know why I always make friends from Georgia but I do!). Did you know that there’s a Waffle House museum in Georgia? Well you can add that stop to your next road trip.
5. Donato’s Pizza
Opened by an Ohio State sophomore in Columbus, Ohio in 1963. Headquarters in Columbus, OH.
Columbus, Ohio
We’d always get this when we visited Ohio and I just loved the hell out of that thin crust with a bunch of peppers and shit on it.
4. Max & Ermas
In 1972, two businessmen brought Max & Erma’s tavern in Columbus, Ohio from a couple named Max and Erma, and turned it into a theme restaurant. Headquarters in Columbus, Ohio.
The bathtub sundae bar is a stunning display of excellence, and its location in Ann Arbor adjacent to Briarwood Mall beneath The Olive Garden with outdoor seating overlooking a man-made pond was to die for. Here’s a thing about Max & Erma’s, though: it is fucking FREEZING in there. I swear it’s an igloo in the summer time, you should bring a hoodie.
3. Ponderosa
Founded in Kokomo, Indiana in 1965. Headquarters remain in Kokomo, Indiana.
Ponderosa Restaurant in Las Vegas, 1968 via flickr
My parents NEVER wanted to take us here, they said it was always really dirty and the food was awful. Maybe that’s true, but we were children who knew Mom always let us have chocolate milk at Ponderosa so we wanted to go go go. Plus we could get that awful pale macaroni and cheese IN SPADES. ON TRAYS!!!! Pretty sure most of these no longer exist.
2. Bill Knapp’s
via flickr
I just need one human soul to tell me that they remember this restaurant existing so that I feel less alone in this cold dark Bill Knappsless world. This was hands down our favorite place to eat as kids in Ann Arbor, especially for birthdays ’cause you got this entire chocolate mini-cake. There was always a wait but that was okay, I was willing to wait. I practically had their kids menu memorized (each meal was ascribed its own animal, as I recall), but I went as a teenager too and I even remember my Mom taking me there in college. Then one day they just closed. All of a sudden: the end. I was working at The Macaroni Grill at the time and we got a handful of new servers from Bill Knapp’s, one of them said they’d shown up for work to find a sign on the door indicating that it was closed. Harsh.
1. Frisch’s & Elias Bros Big Boy
The original Frisch’s Cafe opened in 1905 in Cincinnati, and after numerous moves and shut-downs, it became a Big Boy in 1946. The Elias Brothers’ restaurant in Michigan became a Big Boy franchisee in 1952.
Columbus, Indiana
In college my writing teacher pointed out that I’d somehow managed to include Big Boy in every story I’d turned in that year. I mean, let’s be real: art reflects life, you know? I even filmed some of my faux rockumentary in a Big Boy. One time we walked into a Big Boy and asked for a booth and you know what the thing is about Big Boy? IT WAS ALL BOOTHS. For this reason and many others, Elias Bros (in Michigan) and Frisch’s (in Ohio) was my #1 go-to spot for the following situations: after a basketball game, after a soccer game, after 9pm when everything else is closed besides Denny’s, after going to King’s Island. Etc. There’s Bob’s Big Boy out here in California but I feel like eating at one would be cheating on Mr. Frisch.
Sunday Top Ten: Some Cats I Don’t Hate
Welcome to the fourth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
First things first: I don’t really hate your cat. If you caught me telling your cat “I hate you,” I was just kidding, it’s a joke we do together! No but seriously, I wish I liked cats. For starters, they look delightful in photographs! Furthermore, lesbians love cats, and kittens (aka “pre-cats”) are such charming little animals (until they become cats, because I hate cats). Alas, I’m very much allergic to pre-cats and cats-proper in a sloppy, enflamed, itchy, eyeball-scratching, face-sneezing, eyes-watering, nose-running, body-not-sleeping kind of way. Often cat owners take it really personally that I don’t want to hang out on a couch coated with allergens or sleep over with my head smashed into the same pillow their cat uses for Cat Naps. Honestly, y’all, sometimes I’m amazed cats have any hair left on their bodies because it’s seriously all over your furniture and your coat. There is an actual animal’s worth of hair on your sweater! I thought your sweater was a living thing! Also, litter boxes are uncivilized. They’re filled with — let’s be honest — the ashes of dead Nazis — and topped off with tiny foul piles of animal waste. Nobody wants to see that, especially me.
Ultimately, I think dogs are better creatures than cats on a few levels (and somehow my allergy to dogs has faded significantly since childhood) but not all cats are awful. Some of them are pretty okay.
Top 18 Cats I Don’t Hate
1. Winston
It was really said when Rich Juzwiak (blogged as fourfour, now writes for Gawker) and his boyfriend broke up in 2012 and then Winston no longer belonged to us on the internet. Still, because the internet is forever, you can witness some of Winston’s best moments on a pinterest board entirely devoted to his existence, read an interview with Winston on Buzzfeed, and think to yourself, “why is this cat the only cat Riese watches videos of on the internet?” (BECAUSE HE’S HILARIOUS)
2. Salem Saberhagen
I love how this cat was like, “I can talk, and I’ve got shit to say.” As I recall, he was a pretty sassy cat, and the laugh track on Sabrina the Teenage Witch found him HILARIOUS!
3. Simba
The Lion King is a masterpiece and Simba is the baby lion we all dream of cuddling with at night.
4. Oliver
Oliver and Company is one of my favorite Disney films ever and I feel it is desperately underrated. I’d love to see Oliver and Company on Broadway. I once performed the whole musical on my futon for my parents, I think they really liked it. My rendition of “Perfect Isn’t Easy” was a highlight, for sure.
5. The Nope Cat
This cat is hilarious. Our Tech Director Cee printed out a bunch of Nope Cats and brought them to A-Camp (an annual retreat/conference/camp hybrid for queer women hosted by this website) and hung them up all over. It was funny.
6. A-Camp Cats
Speaking of A-Camp, now that we’re headed into our sixth A-Camp, I’m really running out of new exciting names for our cabins. I can usually rely on some kind of feline, however, and over the years we’ve had cabins called Wildcats, Thundercats, Hellcats, Cat Power, Panthers and Tiger Beat. Stay tuned for Pussy Riot.
7. Whiskey Kitten
Photography © jmberman1 2009
This kitten saw us through some of our darkest days! Like that time that Autostraddle stopped working in Google Chrome, that time Autostraddle stopped working period and basically everything about life that has ever been difficult. This kitten was there. Bless the man who photographed the kitten, and bless G-d for inventing whiskey.
8. Hobbes
“Calvin & Hobbes” is my favorite comic strip of all time!
9. Crookshanks
I just started reading Harry Potter for the first time (I know!) and therefore am only 75% of the way through The Prizoner of Aztecland, so I can’t say much about this cat besides that Ron is really mad at this cat right now for killing his rat. The thing is that rats are gross, so two thumbs up to this cat for getting rid of it. Owls for everybody!
10. “Cat” from Breakfast at Tiffany‘s
I lived with a cat for about two months, and I wanted to name it “cat,” but my roommate insisted on naming “Moo.” I called it “Cat” though, regardless. I didn’t even remember that Holly Golightly had made the same decision! But then I saw the movie again and was like, holy shit, we are both geniuses!
11. Catwoman
The best thing about catwoman is that she’s actually just a woman, but wearing a cat outfit. The cat outfit is usually very tight and sexual and has been worn by many ladies over the years including Eartha Kitt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Anne Hathaway, Lee Meriweather, Julie Newmar and, notably, Halle Berry (As per the poster above. I didn’t actually see Catwoman but the poster looks nice).
12. Marie
I don’t remember The Aristocats very well but there’s a cat in it named Marie. Marie is also MY name (Riese is my nickname), which means I have something in common with this cat. We also have lots of things NOT in common, like I don’t pee in a box.
13. The East Dillon Lions & The Dillon Panthers
Much like Coach Taylor himself, I can’t really choose between these two outstanding groups of gentleman, but I’m pretty sure they don’t shed, so.
14. We Are All Made Of Kittens
This is a tumblr Laneia and I made about ourselves. It was pictures of cats but it was things that actually happened but with all of us, like at my apartment in New York during Pride, or at Dinah Shore or other times. It’s really funny and honest and I highly recommend it. Kittens featured on this monumental work of art include Design Director Alex Vega, founding team member Tess, former managing editor Sarah Palmface, former Tech Editor Taylor Hatmaker and ALL OF THE INTERNS!
15. The Cats Of “The Real L Word”
The cats were bored when we were bored, confused when we were confused, and hungry when we were hungry. The cats made B-Roll into A-Plus-Roll. Given the choice of watching a show about cats or a show about Romi, I’d probably go with the cats.
16. Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like
This was one of our most brilliant post ideas of all time. It was cats being lesbians. Click on it, you’ll see.
17. The Cheshire Cat
This is like your kinda-annoying friend who always has really good drugs, I think.
18. Lord Tubbington
Lord Tubbington is a cat I can tell I wouldn’t like in real life, because he seems really prone to shedding. But I really appreciate his contributions to Brittany S. Pierce’s Fondue for Two, a webseries within a series I have to recap called Glee. It’s pretty awful, writing this post was much better!
Sunday Top Ten: My Favorite “Friday Night Lights” Characters
Welcome to the second edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
Today a really important football game is happening on the television. Brittani is liveblogging it, and I’m kinda trying to watch it while doing other work, and honestly the only reason I have the foggiest idea what’s happening on that field is because of Friday Night Lights. Isn’t that the reason that we’re all here? Even if by “we” I just mean “me” and my stuffed dog Tinkerbell? P.S. Obviously Tinkerbell’s favorite character is Tinker.
Before we begin, I’d like to briefly mention that I think Carlotta was really hot and generally the bee’s knees, but I have no idea what she saw in Matt Sereson and generally found that whole storyline a bit strange. So I thought long and hard about including her here but ultimately did not. There were many characters I felt similarly conflicted about. For the record, “The Swede” was not one of those characters, nor was his temporary lady love, the petulant Julie Taylor.
10. Buddy Garrity
Okay — I wouldn’t exactly wanna hang out with Buddy Garrity or have him as a father or a friend. But I think his character was so well-done, and so well acted, and also he really evolved in a meaningful way and was great comic relief. He felt real, you know? He felt really, really real.
9. Bo Miller
I was super depressed when the Tim Riggins / Jackie Miller subplot got killed by Billy Riggins and then I guess totally slaughtered by some force I no longer recall, because I had a strange obsession with how adorable this little kid was and how much he admired Tim Riggins. I’m a sucker for the small-child-brings-out-a-steely-persons-softer-side storyline. The great minds behind The L Word Season Four should’ve dyed this kids hair and cast him as Shane’s little brother Shay instead of that milkshake-spilling kiddo.
Look, you’re never gonna be my boyfriend, but I’m getting real close to declaring you my Lesbro regardless
8. Devin the Lesbian
Remember when there was a lesbian on Friday Night Lights for like two minutes? She was really cute and in a band and took Julie to a lesbian bar. Unfortunately no romance ensued, despite the fact that I think she would’ve been a nice match for Becky Sproles.
7. Vince Howard
Pretty much anything Michael B. Jordan does, I am on board with, with the exception of That Awkward Moment, which I think is about That Awkward Moment when Michael B. Jordan is in a romantic comedy with Zach Efron. I really loved Vince’s evolution as a character and always found the East Dillon storylines more compelling than the first few seasons’ Panthers storylines — I’m not sure if that’s a popular opinion or not. Vince Forever.
6. Corrina Williams
Mhm, Smash Williams’ Mom KNEW THE SCORE in all the ways. I think I would’ve liked Smash a lot more if I didn’t get so upset every time he mouthed off to his perfect best mother of all time. Much like Tami Taylor, Corrina came down hard when she needed to but loved hard, too.
Hey girl, I take up extra space when I sit like this but I don’t give a fuck because I am Tyra fucking Collette, so
5. Tyra Collette
What can I say, I have an endless appreciation for girls over 5’10 who look like they could demolish me at arm wrestling. Also Tyra, like many young FNL characters, often was forced to take on the parental role with her own parent, and that has a way of making a person strong and wise beyond their years. I included Tyra on my list of Ten Badass Yet Toxic Best Friends, noting that even the baddest bad girl can turn it all around with the help of Tami Taylor.
4. Landry Clarke
My girlfriend was worried that I’d have confusing feelings about Landry after his role as an evil motherfucker in Breaking Bad. But nothing can abate my love for Landry because he is a dork and he is funny. Not even murder, duh!
3. Jess Merriweather
I don’t read much about Jess Merriweather when I read about Friday Night Lights because I think she never really got her chance to shine. Her character had so much potential and I appreciated them showing a girl who didn’t just want to watch, but wanted to play — or coach, at least. In the imaginary Jess Merriweather spin-off in my mind she’s coaching an NFL team.
2. Coach Eric Taylor
As I believe I’ve mentioned ~15 times, I hate men, even on television. But I don’t hate Coach Taylor (except for when he wouldn’t fire Coach Mac for being racist and insisted Coach Mac wasn’t racist even though Coach Mac was obviously racist!). Speaking of hate, I always hated football, too — until I heard Coach Taylor describe it, and then I thought it was pretty alright and good for Building Character. Have you seen Academic Coach Taylor? It’s the best tumblr ever.
1. Tami Taylor
FNL honestly didn’t have a great across-the-board track record for its female characters, yet they still managed to create the best female character ever of all time in Tami Taylor. In addition to being smokin’ hot, Tami Taylor also possessed smarts, sass, strength and loyalty in spades and took a feminist stand against prioritizing her husband’s career at Season Five’s end. She encouraged her students to thrive and believed fiercely in their potential. She drinks a lot of wine. She balances a healthy skepticism of football’s centrality to her local culture with undying support of her husband and the boys he coached. Tami and Eric have the best marriage I’ve ever seen on television. Also, one of her daughters is a self-centered insolent bitch and the other is maybe an devil alien, and she seemed to handle that pretty well.
Who were your favorites?
Sunday Top Ten: Significant Experiences In Canada
Welcome to the second edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
Well folks, as we speak I’m on an airplane, on my way to the great land of Canada to enjoy holiday festivities with my girlfriend’s family in Ottawa! This seemed like an opportune moment to reflect on my storied history with this important country. I grew up in Southeastern Michigan, which means Canada was basically in our neighborhood, enabling lots of opportunities for Michiganders to cart their Americanness across the border into Canada, land of nice people and big skies.
Some names have been changed to protect the innocent humans who unfortunately once upon a time unknowingly involved themselves with somebody who would later share her entire life with the entire internet forever.
Chatham, Ontario: late ’80s
Wheels Inn, this hotel/resort situation with an indoor amusement park, was essentially an indoor playpen for children like me who harbored vast reserves of enthusiasm for concepts like “water parks” despite “not really knowing how to swim.” Just being close to the waterslides was enough, really. When my parents said we’d be going there for the weekend, I went completely insane with excitement, like a dog about to run face-first into a glass door. Speaking of running into things, one afternoon at the Wheels Inn Bowling Lanes, I made an ambitious bowling ball size selection that resulted in me slipping and banging my chin on said ball. My chin immediately began gushing blood, and my father swiftly picked me up and hauled me out of the room before I gave everybody SARS. I left a trail of blood in my wake and the scar on my chin remains to THIS VERY DAY. Also don’t worry I didn’t really have SARS. I don’t think it had been invented yet.
Stratford & Toronto, Ontario: Spring 1993
As with all class trips, our parents dropped off their bleary-eyed seventh graders just before dawn, where we were summarily herded onto a charter bus headed north. By the time we stopped at Tim Horton’s for breakfast, everybody had awoken and the bus was throbbing with pre-adolescent hormones and aggressive gossip — most of the gossip was about how me and Alissa had crushes on Ted and how Milo was gonna break up with Elise at the buffet later. Everybody took sides regarding the Elise/Milo breakup. I sided with the Mean Cunts, obviously. We spent our first night in Toronto, and the next morning en route to Stratford my internal faceplate organs started aching like somebody had decided to store their toothbrush in my ear canal. It kept getting worse, too, like maybe a tree or a monster was growing out of my ear, which would’ve been bad news for me w/r/t my romantic prospects. It turned out to be an ear infection.
According to my diary, “the last 3 hours (bus ride home) were the only good parts of the trip. Jamie started secretly going with Milo and everyone found out. Elise started crying on the bus, and we all got into a big group discussion and decided to be mean to Jamie and Milo.” Not sure why that qualifies as “the only good parts of the trip” but um, I was a very unhappy 12-year-old, I think, is the takeaway here.
Windsor, Ontario: Summer 1997
Some balmy July afternoon, Macaela and I went to Canada because we couldn’t really think of anything else to do that day and she’d just gotten her drivers license. We had about four hours to kill, which was just enough time to lurch through the border, park in a lot near some touristy shops, buy postcards to prove that we’d been to Canada, and then drive right back. I got a postcard of a Canadian human on a horse in a red outfit, and also a postcard featuring a washed-out publicity photo of The Spice Girls. We felt really wild, I think she even smoked a cigarette with the windows rolled down.
Vancouver, British Columbia: Summer 2000
The most remarkable aspect of my trip to Vancouver is that I managed to fly from Detroit to Seattle and then drive from Seattle to Vancouver and back without a drivers license, passport or birth certificate. I’d just fled an unsavory living situation in New York two months earlier than initially planned and therefore spent my summer overthinking everything and visiting friends on the West Coast, including Sabra, who’s family had just moved to Seattle and had never been in a car for more than an hour. Thus, while Gemi and I were visiting, Sabra had planned her very first “road trip”! To Vancouver! Three whole hours!
I liked Vancouver so much. I thought, “I could live here.”
We split a bottle of red wine at a restaurant with big windows overlooking the whole city, and in the daytime we walked through downtown, where homeless kids, skaters and punks lined the sidewalks in surprising aplenty. On our way home we stopped at the Capilano Suspension Bridge and the Butchart Gardens and I liked feeling like a tourist because the act of tourism suggested “leisure time,” which felt like something I didn’t deserve just then.
Windsor, Ontario: Fall 2001
At the University of Michigan, “Date Parties” are a thing wherein fraternity or sorority members and their dates wear nice outfits and take busses to Windsor to get drunk ’cause the drinking age is only 19 there. I wanted to go to a Date Party really bad but unfortunately had no dates, but luckily my friend Benjamin took pity on me and took me on his fraternity’s fall journey to Windsor. It was a Jewish fraternity so I was basically the tallest person there. (I’m Jewish too, but got this body from the not-Jewish side of the family) At the border, we all had to get out of the bus so they could search for bombs. It was a few weeks after 9/11. My only memory of this night was dancing really hard to “Livin’ on a Prayer” and I think it was pretty awesome.
Windsor, Ontario: Winter 2001
That same year, December, I started dating a guy who went to Eastern Michigan, one town over from where I went to school. He was a frat boy but his friends got really upset when you called them “frat boys.” Unlike the Winter Formal Date Party I attended with Benjamin, there was no luxury motor coach for this event, just a bunch of kids driving shitty cars and a row of hotel rooms just over the border, across the street from the bar and restaurant where we’d be “partying.” Highlights included and were mostly limited to William running around the hotel in a Hooter’s waitress outfit. Other highlights include a game of “I’ve Never” which seemed designed entirely around the concept of slut-shaming me in front of all my boyfriend’s friends. On the way back they searched my boyfriend’s car and the border guard found a bunch of porn in his trunk and made a joke about it that I found hilarious and my boyfriend found humiliating. I left Canada feeling very American.
Toronto, Ontario: Spring 2003
He was unimpressed when I asked if I could bring a book with me to the hockey museum
New year, new boyfriend with bleached tips! Everybody in Canada had SARS so they were basically giving hotel rooms away, and my then-boyfriend’s family were hard-core Cubs fans so we all went up there for some Cubs/Blue Jays games. The day before I’d been hauled to the emergency room after a bad slip on my inadequately weatherproofed porch resulted in a blood-soaked uniform shirt and me being unable to walk or drive. The doctors took my x-rays, gave me a bottle of Vicodin and said it would get better soon. The next day I woke up and felt infinitely better, a transformation which has since given me an overly optimistic forecast for all similar tragedies that have ever happened to anybody I’ve ever known. Like that time at Dinah Shore when I told Laneia her foot would be fine the next day. SORRY LANEIA.
The Cubs lost. A teenager on a bike rode around us in circles chanting “LOSERS!” at us as we filed out of the stadium in our blue-and-red hats and my boyfriend’s brother yelled “well at least we don’t have SARS!” We went to see The Matrix 2. As the theater began filling up an ominous voice instructed all of us to move closer to one another ’cause it was sold out. “This is why they all have SARS,” my boyfriend’s brother whispered as we lessened the distance between our bodies and the bodies of other pasty North Americans. On our way back to America I bought my boyfriend a new pair of shoes at an Outlet Mall so that he’d stay with me forever but instead he broke up with me four days later for illusive reasons. So now I was glad I’d gotten that Vicodin after all.
Windsor, Ontario: Spring 2004
At this point aforementioned boyfriend has become an ex-boyfriend who’s still sleeping with me and loves me but also has a secret girlfriend I hadn’t found out about yet, I think. I’m actually not entirely sure when this night happened since that whole year is an emotionally tumultuous blur. So then one night he’s like, let’s go to Canada tonight, and I’m like, oh totally, I’d love to even though I have to open the Macaroni Grill tomorrow morning and it’s possible you’re only asking me ’cause I have a car with gas in it but I don’t even care because I am a pathetic lovesick tortured beast of burning desire who would probably hang out with you in a tank of ham water and now here I am watching you spend your last $40 on losing Blackjack at a casino in Windsor because I’D RATHER WATCH YOU PLAY THIS GAME THAN ENDURE THE GAMES YOU PLAY WITH MY HEART. Yup. But we had fun though, ’cause we always did have fun, and for one night I knew exactly where he was. This was also a thing I liked — spontaneously running off to a different country in the middle of the night and not telling anybody — spontaneously deciding to stay the night, too, and then praying the whole way back that I wouldn’t get fired. I didn’t. Don’t worry you guys, I opened The Macaroni Grill and everybody got the Pasta Milanos of their dreams.
Victoria, British Columbia: Summer 2006
The face of somebody who really wants frozen yogurt but can’t find any
So once upon a time I was dating Haviland Stillwell? And she’d invited me on the Rosie Cruise to Alaska, a decision I’m pretty sure she regretted instantly when I lost my drivers license at a bar and realized my passport was expired like five days before takeoff. (I think she found such antics far more adorable after we decided to be best friends instead of sorta-kinda-almost-girlfriends.) Anyhow, on the cruise she performed lots of songs in fancy outfits and we followed Susan Powter and Kelli O’Donnell around trying to absorb their auras. Our #1 mission in our last port stop of Victoria, as it was at every port, was for Haviland to find frozen yogurt or soft serve. I can’t remember if we found it or not but the sunset was super-pretty!
Halifax, Nova Scotia: Summer 2008
A new year, a new Rosie cruise, a new girlfriend with bleached tips! (Just kidding, Alex had already grown out her bleached tips by the time I met her.) The #1 mission of our docking in Halifax was to find and marry Ellen Page, but we failed. However, we DID succeed in:
- Acquiring Tylenol w/codeine
- Buying a bunch of used books
- Rolling down a grassy hill, as a team
- Maybe discovering I had developed a latent allergic reaction to grass
Making serious progress w/r/t rolling down the hill
Hitting a rolling-down-the-hill plateau
The feeling of totally giving up
My friends continue their laborious descent
fuck this shit
Ottawa: Winter 2012
A new year, a new girlfriend, a new reason to visit Canada! And could you believe that it was my first time visiting with an actual Canadian?
It had been a few years since I’d seen snow, and suddenly there was so much of it, everywhere, like the winters I’d spent in Northern Michigan where you couldn’t even see the sky through all that snow. Marni’s Mom got me Canadian winterwear — the best were the mittens, these red-and-white striped paws with red canadian flags right in the palm. Marni’s Mom is the best mom. We went to a wedding and I wore a black dress with tights, and we hung out with friends of Marni’s from high school and they served poutine but I did not partake. I drank too much so Marni guarded the bathroom so I could be a hot sick mess for a minute. Then I was able to drink more in order to dance dance dance in my tights and achieve a level of body warmth previously unparalleled. That’s love, I think. Guarding the bathroom and still loving me afterwards.
Montreal: Winter 2012/13
We spent New Year’s in Montreal, where there was even more snow than in Ottawa, or at least it seemed like it, maybe because here the snow’s desperate battle with urban development was more intimately executed. We delicately mounted the small, snow-caked steps to Renée’s apartment and left our wet boots on the stairwell, huddled inside like tiny animals. We arrived just in time to get dressed and go out for New Years, and thus saucily we bounced from HQ to this house party and then another. People fell on the ice and slipped in the snow and we all died of hypothermia and woke up and it was 2013.
The next day was gorgeous and sunny and still so cold, but still, we walked. We layered and we walked all day, so I could see all the places she’d ever been, and why, and where she’d lived and eaten and worked. I want to see all her things and meet all her people. Every additional minute we spent in the subzero quietness of New Year’s Day, I knew, would add to the enormity of the ultimate payoff — the moment you come inside after a long day in the snow, peel off your clothing and smoosh your nose against your knees and feel like you’ve really lived. Instead I fell down the stairs and got huge monster bruises on my limbs, but it was totally worth it. I was in this cold pretty place with a girl I loved who loved me and the whole enormous year was ahead of us, because bruises fade, and people change, but Canada is forever.
Sunday Top Ten: There’s A Childhood Hero, If You Look Inside My Heart
Welcome to Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write in 2006-2008 on the earth-shattering personal blog Autowin.
Top 17 Childhood Heroes
17. Ramona Quimby
I don’t know if Ramona was my “hero” so much as she was my long-lost sisterwife or twin. I’m not 100% sure how we didn’t end up in the same womb at some point during the gestation process (Sidenote: I only know the word “gestation” because I played a lot of SimLife in the early ’90s.). Was Ramona Quimby my fashion icon, or was I Ramona Quimby’s fashion icon? Big questions, elusive answers.
16. LeVar Burton
Basically LeVar Burton was living the dream: 1. Famous, 2. Star Trek: The Next Generation, 3. Reading Books on Television. Seriously what if your job was to read books on television? WHAT THEN.
15. Debi Thomas
I did figure skating for just long enough to convince my Mom that skates were a good investment and then immediately stop skating, thus proving her point about my overall personality being The Worst. The problem with skating is that I sucked, which was really disappointing because I really wanted to be either Debi Thomas or Kristi Yamaguchi and instead I was just me, doing eggbeaters in my snowpants.
14. Shirley Temple
Just gazing at Shirley’s curly locks transports me to the buoyant Good Ship Lollipop, where I’d spend all my days tap-dancing with kind strangers and being told I was the most talented little girl in the whole world! I just wanted to be the most talented little girl in the whole world, you guys.
13. Jodi Foster
28 May 1990 (Image by © E.J. Camp/Corbis)
Jodi Foster directed AND starred in Little Man Tate, which really appealed to me as I’d also harbored this strange desire to control everything all the time since birth. Also, Jodi Foster was a child star, and as a fellow child star (albeit an undiscovered one), I really felt a strong kinship with Jodi. Or you know, it was just a gay thing.
12. The Mickey Mouse Club
Future members of “The Party”
I wanted to audition for The Mickey Mouse Club, but unfortunately my parents were fascists who had maybe noticed that I couldn’t sing or dance. Instead I simply admired from afar and performed “Summer Vacation,” a hot track from The Party’s debut album, on my futon. I still know all the words. Summer, that means it’s party time, me and the crew [something something] behind… hot suns hot buns it’s a [something] situation, yo man, let’s take a vacation. SUMMERTIME.
11. Louisa May Alcott / Jo March
Louisa May Alcott was totally badass, especially because in my head she was also Jo March. I took classes at The Alcott House in Concord where we got to make an Alcott Sisters Newspaper, which was probably my root.
10. Jackie Robinson
I made “42” my lucky number because of Jackie Robinson and asked for the number “42” for all the sports teams I was on. Nobody ever understood the reference, because I was Misunderstood. Furthermore, I was obsessed with the Brooklyn Dodgers in general, eventually leading to me spending all my allowance on a Brooklyn Dodgers jersey at The Buckle. One of my favorite YA novels, which I still own, is Bette Bao Lord’s In The Year of the Boar and Jackie Robinson, which I suggest you purchase for any children that might live in your home. The protagonist’s name is Shirley Temple Wong, which means I just brought it back around.
9. Pocahontas
Okay so, I’m one of the many humans somehow related to Pocahontas, a fact of which the whole patrilineal side of my family is EXCEPTIONALLY proud. Obvs this meant the release of the Disney film was nothing short of an all-out first-rate mind-blowing family tragedy, remedied only by watching my Grandpa’s favorite Pocahontas documentary eight more times. I thought she was so brave and badass and basically my great-grandmother, perhaps due to a shaky understanding of how time works. It wasn’t until I was a grown-up that I learned the story was much darker than the one I remember.
8. Sally Ride
You guys, Sally Ride! THE FIRST AMERICAN WOMAN IN SPACE! I wrote about my childhood obsession with Sally Ride when she died last year, you should read it. Like many other childhood heroes of mine, Sally Ride coincidentally turned out to be a big homo.
7. Whoopi Goldberg
For fun I used to create programs for imaginary plays based on my favorite books, mostly because I wanted the chance to cast my books and also to make things with paper and markers and pictures — and ANYWAY my point is, I pretty much cast Whoopi Goldberg in every single one of my imaginary plays (other popular choices included John Candy, Kevin Costner, Levar Burton, Geena Davis, Sarah Polley and James Earl Jones), because as far as I was concerned, Whoopi Goldberg was the best actress in the whole world because she was in every movie I liked. For example: Sister Act, Sister Act 2, Sarafina!, The Little Rascals, Made in America and obviously the criminally underrated Eddie. Are those movies actually terrible and problematic? I haven’t seen any of them since the early ’90s, except for obviously Sister Act and Sister Act 2, which are definitively amazing. She was even on Star Trek: The Next Generation and did voices for Captain Planet and The Lion King! I was sure we’d be best friends one day.
6. Joan of Arc
To be honest I definitely conflated the actual Joan of Arc with the woman who played Joan of Arc in the classic ’80s film Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
5. Anne Frank
Basically having strong Anne Frank feelings was an inherent consequence of going to Hebrew School.
4. Oprah
I make this same face all the time especially when holding Emmys
You guys, my Mom would not even let me watch Oprah (it wasn’t on PBS, so), yet I managed to idolize Oprah mostly by reading tons of books about Oprah. She grew up in Chicago just like my Mom and then built a Media Empire and beat Phil Donahue, which was very exciting. I did a school presentation in 5th grade where I dressed up like Oprah and told them all about my life. I wore leggings, a white turtleneck and my Mom’s black-and-white checked blazer (accented by streaks of primary colors that looked like errant lines of paint, as was the style at the time). Probs I looked just like her.
3. The Rockford Peaches as portrayed in “A League of Their Own”
Yep, all of ’em. Rosie O’Donnell probably also belongs on this list, but I’m running out of space.
2. Amelia Earhart
Duh.
1. Marty McFly
This dude had it all — cool sneakers, lots of layers, Calvin Klein underpants, a rad jean jacket, a time traveling machine and a hot girlfriend. In the early 1990’s my family went to Universal Studios Hollywood, where they had a Back to the Future soundstage attraction. Two audience members would be selected as stand-ins for Marty and Jennifer and the guide would subsequently demonstrate to the audience how the DeLorean is manipulated and filmed in order to become Movie Magic.
So, the guide asked for volunteers to be Marty and Jennifer and obvs my hand SHOT into the air, and the guy pointed at me and called, “the guy in the back in the backwards hat” and I was like OMG THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I jolted down to the stage and settled in next to my Jennifer, who was like, omg, what is this eight-year-old lesbian doing in my DeLorean. Once he could see me clearly, the guide shot me a look of pure horror that he’d accidentally picked a girl to be Marty, and I’m sure the whole room was super uncomfortable, but I did not give a shit because I was going to the motherfucking future, bitches!