Joss Whedon and JK Rowling Don’t Own My Queer Narratives

This essay contains mentions of abuse and sexual assault. 

As an abuse survivor and a general lover of shitty cis white men having their reputations rightfully torn to shreds around them in public forums, watching Joss Whedon’s demise unfold in real time on Twitter has been a delightful popcorn gif experience. But oddly, as a queer millennial who came of age watching Whedon’s characters and shaping my baby queer identity around them, I find myself struggling with the idea of ripping the Whedonverse out of my spiritual DVD shelf. (Emotional Netflix queue? Whatever metaphor we’re using these days.) Of course, Buffy fans aren’t the only one struggling with the crash-and-burn of its creator-to-fandom relationship. J.K. Rowling has revealed herself as an unrepentant transmisogynist in recent years, and continues to double down on her bigotry. Their awfulness has left countless queers wondering what to do with the characters who have helped us through some of the hardest, darkest, most painful days of our lives.

It seems like every few years, Joss Whedon comes under fire for something gross. Once branded a feminist icon — granted, the bar for male feminists used to be very, very low — almost every piece of press he’s received over the past ten years has been shaded with commentary calling out his treatment of women. Not just the storylines he gives his “strong” female characters, but the women he works with on his sets.

This February, actress Charisma Carpenter, who played the iconic Cordelia Chase in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, stood in solidarity with fellow actor Ray Fisher when he accused Whedon of “gross, abusive, unprofessional, and completely unacceptable” behavior on the set of Justice League in a tweet that went viral in July. Carpenter’s statement went beyond a lack of professionalism: “Charisma Carpenter alleges Joss Whedon ‘abused his power on numerous occasions” while she performed on Whedon’s series ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and ‘Angel.’ In a lengthy statement the actor posted to Twitter on Wednesday, Carpenter alleges that Whedon’s “casually cruel” behavior included threatening to fire her, calling her ‘fat’ when she was four months pregnant, asking her if she was going to ‘keep’ her baby, and firing her after she gave birth.”

Whedon’s treatment of Carpenter during and after her pregnancy on Angel has been an open secret in the Buffy and Angel fandom for years. I remember hearing about it in fandom spaces as early as 2006 (back in the old LiveJournal days of Oh No They Didn’t), where Whedon’s name would be dragged through the mud in comment threads with a rapid gif eloquence that Twitter can only aspire to emulate. Even outside of fan spaces, though, Whedon has been receiving mainstream critique for almost as long as he’s been garnering praise. The blog Joss Whedon is Not a Feminist has been pulling receipts on sexist tropes in Whedon’s writing and misogynist behavior going back to the early seasons of Buffy, and his original script for Wonder Woman, written in 2006 and accidentally leaked before the release of the 2017 movie, is… a lot of yikes rolled up in one document. Whedon’s personal life wasn’t any better. His ex-wife, Kai Cole, wrote an essay for The Wrap in 2017 addressing their divorce after sixteen years of marriage, detailing over a decade of infidelities, dishonesty, and emotional abuse. Such feminism!

What made the round of allegations that Carpenter began in February different, though, was the response of other Whedonverse actors, writers, and staff. Buffy actor Amber Benson voiced her support on Twitter: “Buffy was a toxic environment and it starts from the top…There was a lot of damage done during that time and many of us are still processing it twenty plus years later.” Sarah Michelle Geller made a statement on Instagram that she does “not want to be forever associated with the name Joss Whedon.” Perhaps most alarmingly, Michelle Trachenberg, who was a teenager when she played Dawn on Buffy, shared Geller’s post on her on Instagram and included the caption, “The last. Comment I will make on this. Was. There was a rule. Saying. He’s not allowed in a room alone with Michelle again.”

Most damning in cases like this, however, was that several of the men involved in Whedon’s work voiced their support of Carpenter (is the bar low? Yes! Are we shocked that they cleared it? Also yes!). David Boreanaz, J. August Richards, and James Marsters all expressed their solidarity and condemned — to varying degrees of directness — Whedon’s behavior. Jose Molina, a writer on Firefly, was the most explicit: “‘Casually cruel’ is a perfect way of describing Joss,” he tweeted. “He thought being mean was funny. Making female writers cry during a notes session was especially hysterical. He actually liked to boast about the time he made one writer cry twice in one meeting.”

Not great.

Despite my delight in watching Whedon finally face comeuppance, I have struggled with the idea of letting the characters of the Whedonverse go.

Just like Xena was a queer awakening for millions of queer women in the mid-nineties, the characters in Buffy and Firefly were part of my queer “oh, shit” moments in the early and mid-2000s. I have vivid memories of watching reruns of both shows in middle and high school and being stunned at the existence of Willow — not just a queer character, but a Jewish queer character, which was, to me, a baffling and unheard-of level of representation. Watching Firefly gave me a different kind of insight — I saw myself not just in River, in her trauma and fury and tenderness and fear; but also, in what would later smack me in the face with a gender awakening, in Simon, whose fierce protectiveness of his sister and his choice of caregiving over violence, masculinity and femininity intertwined in his hands and his heart.

I should back up. Neither Buffy nor Firefly were inherent in my understanding of my queer identity. I came out as bisexual at thirteen, casually announcing my attraction to girls with the wild kind of confidence that only comes with being absolutely high off the sugar and caffeine in a large Dunkin Donuts coffee coolata and the relative surety that my dad was more interested in the recap of the Red Sox game on the radio than my announcement. I don’t know exactly where my click moment came from — I often joke that it came from watching Return of the Jedi at a very small and impressionable age, seeing Princess Leia in the horrible but very sexy metal bikini, and embodying the Jane Lynch “as a feminist, I am outraged; as a lesbian, I am delighted” meme (which wouldn’t exist for years and as a six-year-old just wanting more princesses in space I wouldn’t have had the words for it anyway), but also kind of wanting to kiss Han Solo, too. My tiny bisexual heart approached most pieces of media like that — if there was an iconic couple at the center of it, I wanted both halves of it. Quest for Camelot? Absolutely. Mulan? One hundred percent. The Mummy? Be still my beating heart.

(Is my type hyper-competent women and the himbos who love them? Sure is!)

When I started watching Buffy, and later Firefly, I was past the first cute bloom of early queer identity, when coming out as a baby bisexual was a sweet little phase, and into the mid-puberty, old-enough-to-be-sexualized-but-probably-way-too-young-to-be-sexual years of gross comments about the bi pride stickers on my water bottle. I had gotten used to the finding strong female characters — some queer-coded, some explicitly queer — in the books I devoured by Tamora Pierce and Robin McKinley and Jacqueline Carey — but it wasn’t until Buffy — and the titular Buffy, and Willow, and Faith — and, later, River Tam in Firefly that I had strong female characters who weren’t but strong but angry. Who, whether the narrative intended them to or not (and honestly, the more I look back at Whedon’s filmography, the more I think he tripped and fell into good writing more than he actually planned out good storylines and then achieved them), took all the fury at the sexualization and trauma and pain they’d endured, almost all of it at the hands of men, and flung it right back at men.

At fourteen, I was already used to taking the violence men threw at me and turning it inward, drowning myself in self-neglect and self-harm with a dissociated casualness that I look back on now with a sense of mild horror. The concept of refusing to let myself be poisoned by it, to instead turn myself into something made of violence and fury and black magic was heady and addictive and enticing.

But it wasn’t just my attraction to the characters, for both their looks and their ability to smash a misogynist into pieces. It was also about their relationships with each other. With the exception of Willow, none of them were explicitly queer, but there was an undertone of queerness there all the same. I remember literally sitting on the edge of my seat while watching the sexually charged energy between Buffy and Faith, chewing straight through my bottom lip. I remember crying at the playfulness that showed up between River and Kaylee on Firefly, those rare moments when that traumatized, weaponized psychic got to be soft and sweet and childish. I remember watching Buffy and Willow, a queer girl and her straight-written best friend, who always came back to each other with an impossible sort of tenderness (and none for Xander, the Joss Whedon insert that fooled no one), and crying, and not really understanding why.

As an adult, I look back at all of this and know what I was desperately looking for: an intersection of strength and sexuality, of tenderness and refusal to break. It was a specifically queer part of me that was looking for that representation because it was the specifically queer part of me that needed — because being out and queer added another layer to the target on my back: the boys at school who commented on my mouth would comment on my rainbow bracelets at the same time; I had my bra straps snapped as often as I was asked which girls I was looking at in the locker room. The boy who raped me in the back of his car told me afterwards, mocking, that I could still tell girls that I was a virgin, since he was only the first boy I’d been with.

(Faith spent quite a bit of time as my favorite character, after that.)

Joss Whedon’s characters gave me a sense of strength. They taught me to channel my rage into a mix of tenderness and justice work that’s since turned into a career that I’m honored to have. As a queer teenager, and later as a queer young adult, his characters — not just the explicitly queer ones, but also the straight ones that I flung constant queer head canons at (you can pry trans Simon Tam out of my dead cold hands) — played a crucial role in shaping the way I related to myself as a queer person in the world. But as a survivor of abuse — and not just abuse, but specifically sexist and heterosexist abuse — I don’t know how to justify continuing to love the characters Joss Whedon created while reviling Joss Whedon himself.

In some ways, I’m taking my cues from the Harry Potter fandom. I grew up with Harry Potter as much as I grew up with Buffy, and as a queer nonbinary person, got to be as miserably disappointed with J.K. Rowling as I ever was with Joss Whedon — more so, actually, because Rowling has been digging her heels in and insisting she and her TERF-y views are a-okay, rather than fucking off into the abyss like Whedon did after fans cheerfully and justly bullied him off Twitter (bye!). But like Whedon, whose works can be examined for the numerous ways that his misogynist views slipped into even his most “girl power” pieces of media, Rowling’s cissexism found its way into Harry Potter as well: “We love the stories, but we, as adults and critical thinkers, have been able to see these things in the books that were clearly [Rowling’s] worldview coming forward,” Delia Gallegos of Black Girls Create told IGN. “There is good in the books, but when you read them critically, you see that none of this is new for her.”

But the most important takeaway from the Harry Potter and Rowling fallout, for me at least, was a comment from Renae McBrian, a YA author who volunteers for MuggleNet: “J.K. Rowling gave us Harry Potter; she gave us this world…but we created the fandom, and we created the magic and community in that fandom. That is ours to keep.”

Whedon may have created some of the most iconic characters — queer, queer-coded, and queer-codable — of my adolescent. He might own the copyright to their names, their plot lines, their titles. But just like J.K. Rowling doesn’t own the experiences of the thousands of nonbinary kids who identified with Nymphadora Tonks or Teddy Lupin, or the queer kids who saw their stories in Remus Lupin and Sirius Black or Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy or Millicent Bulstrode and Hannah Abbott (tiny fandom, I see you, and I love you), Joss Whedon doesn’t own the narratives of those of us who found ourselves in his characters, either. He doesn’t get to lay claim to the stories we wrote, whether they were in fan fiction, on forums, or even just in our own, quiet thoughts — about Willow’s fierce tenderness, Faith’s justified fury and irreverent humor, River’s pain and unspeakable softness, Kaylee’s impossible capacity for joy in the face of horrific violence. Just as we own our bodies and our minds and our spirits; and just as characters like Charisma Carpenter’s Cordelia would gently, sweetly, viciously remind us to crush the windpipes of anyone who told us otherwise; we own our stories. We own our histories.

We own the narratives that give us meaning.

What This Trans Survivor Wants J.K. Rowling to Know

I told myself I wouldn’t write this article. There’s enough vitriol against trans people in the world. I didn’t want to give more energy to the “toxicity,” as J.K. Rowling has dubbed it. There are so many beautiful stories about trans people that deserve attention.

And then I remembered the Sunday I spent in bed reading the last installment of the Harry Potter saga. I was a twelve-year-old queer sissy who spent much of my adolescence wondering why the world was such a hostile place for me. I drifted into novels as an oasis. For many years, Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger felt like my only real friends. I was a snobby know-it-all, just like Hermione.

Now, as an adult trans woman, a survivor of violence, someone who’s worked in the sex industry — many of which are identities named in J.K. Rowling’s letter defending sentiments that have been called transphobic — I still feel a responsibility to stories.

My life is a trans story in the making, as are the lives of my trans sisters. And to let the ignorance of a celebrity author fuel violence against me and my people under the guise of feminism isn’t acceptable. This is about me honoring my childhood self, the me who didn’t have a protector.

One of J.K. Rowling’s original tweets that stirred up a response from trans activists and allies.

Rowling and I actually have much in common, our commitment to stories being one. We care about the state of women. We think about the world future generations will inherit. We work to change the material conditions that lead to violence.

And yet, the difference between us is which stories Rowling and I choose to fixate upon.

The primary narrative emphasized throughout Rowling’s controversial words is the fear that welcoming trans women into cis women’s spaces will invite violence. Rowling admits that she believes the majority of trans women to be unproblematic, but that the potential of violence alone is enough to reconsider expanding women’s spaces. This scenario, removed from context, could draw fear out of anyone. Violence against women is terrifyingly commonplace. And it’s been normalized to the point where Donald Trump was still elected after the world listened to a recording of him encouraging people to assault women.

And yet, the scenario of men harming women is very different from the scenario of trans women harming cis women. One has become part of the fabric of our society. It’s the reason why almost every parent of a young girl is hypervigilant — because violence against women is expected all across the world. The other scenario is an incredible anomaly, which has yet to have any backing. To use a hypothesis with no evidence and suggest that policies be made around it is absurd. Pushing a hypothesis that actually counters reality indicates that there may be biases at play.

Rowling conflates the two scenarios — she says that men who enter women’s shelters posing as women will use the opportunity to commit violence. What this does is reinforce the message that trans women are indiscernible from men with an ulterior motive, posing as women. This is not an apolitical statement. The brutality inflicted on women continues unabated because our society implicitly has made it acceptable. We hear it in the victim-blaming language, in the way women are made to feel ashamed of what they were doing to provoke an assault. Similarly, trans people are subject to cruelty because false narratives make it seem like trans people are a threat — by spreading myths of the menacing trans person, violence against trans people in the form of physical or legislative attacks could be framed as protective measures rather than bigotry. This is evident in the trans panic defense that allows murderers to receive more lenient sentences by claiming they were in shock after learning an intimate partner was trans: they position themselves as victims to the sinister, deceiving trans person.

Our personal sentiments influence the culture of society and the policies that govern us. In fact, the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development recently proposed a rule that allows homeless shelters to discriminate against trans women. In the proposal, the government itself admits that there is zero evidence suggesting such a proposal is necessary because there have been no known cases of trans women posing danger to other women. There is evidence, however, indicating that trans people are the ones that are more likely to be victims of violence.

The widespread fear of men posing as women in public spaces is a relatively new phenomenon. It wasn’t until trans people received unprecedented visibility in North America and Europe that people began voicing concern. It’s become a topic of discussion for every parent, schoolteacher, athlete, activist, and more. But what isn’t new is trans people.

Trans people in fact have been living among us since the beginning of time. Trans people weren’t always struggling to be accepted. Our stories weren’t always dramatized on television. Violence against us wasn’t always a weekly news story.

This is the story I want all of us to focus on: that trans people have been shamans, priestesses, teachers, healers, and cultural leaders for generations. And we still are.

And for the amount of time we’ve been wielding our magic, with or without the public’s knowledge, there hasn’t been the fear of violence from us until the modern day. In fact, trans people are more likely to be the ones enduring violence — that’s another thing Rowling and I agree on. There is much evidence indicating that trans people are terrorized starting in early childhood and throughout our lives. So why is that well-meaning feminists seem to focus on us as assailants rather than survivors?

The story we choose to fixate upon holds meaning. It’s a political decision, even if we don’t know it.

Amber Harrell (left) and Jessica Fowler were reported by NPR as being charged with sexual battery and second-degree kidnapping of a trans woman in the bathroom of a North Carolina bar in 2019.

The reason why trans people have been among us all along, but have had to blend in seamlessly in our times is to avoid the very violence that Rowling fears. Among us trans women, we know that if we’re public about who we are, people call us “men in dresses.” We lose loved ones, suffer abuse by doctors, endure assault by civilians, and are left to die in prisons. There are many more trans people in the world than people even know. It’s likely that Rowling has encountered many of us without her knowledge. In fact, she could have easily run into me on the street, without it crossing her mind at all what genitals I might have. She might wash her hands beside me in a public restroom and not think twice.

While many cis women enter a women’s bathroom with the simple intent to pee, I walk in a women’s bathroom with my chest tight, my stomach clenched, because I am waiting for what feels like the inevitable moment that a cis woman thinks I’m a man who’s pretending. I have prepared to defend myself against the cis woman who, unbeknownst to her, has the same fear in her heart as I do. We are mirrors to one another.

We are survivors, sometimes stumbling through trauma, not recognizing when we might be doing harm, ourselves. I have deep empathy for Joanne Rowling. And I have witnessed what happens when survivors tap into that empathy and create wondrous stories of triumph and friendship. Those are the stories Joanne has written for people like me.

Now is the moment we must reflect on which stories we’ll choose to emphasize. I tend to like the ones with happy endings. And in that story, cis and trans women alike remember that we’re stronger when there’s space for all of us to express our unique magical abilities, when we’re not stifling one another. But when we proliferate the stories that are not based in reality, that actually increase harm for those already at high risk of harm, it’s time to reassess. Spreading narratives that undermine trans women’s well-being does not make cis women more safe; it just makes all women more fearful. If our ultimate goal is to protect women, we should be fostering solidarity among us, so we protect one another, rather than emphasizing unfounded ideas.

Maybe the reason why so many people have a combative reaction to hearing Rowling’s words is because they’ve spent their lives in pain, or because they’ve watched their trans loved ones in pain. Maybe we’d be able to discuss all of this with more generosity of spirit if all of us weren’t so used to protecting ourselves from each other.

As a trans survivor, I want to propose to you, Joanne, that we focus on the right stories, the ones that solve violence rather than unintentionally reinforcing them. What if we pooled our efforts collectively at transforming the circumstances that lead to violence? What if we were so committed to protecting one another that assailants were deterred altogether from doing harm because they knew they’d lose to fierce resistance? What if we didn’t have to protect women in the homeless shelter, because the shelter was empty? What if those women were instead in loving homes where they didn’t live in danger?

The founders circle of House of Tulip, a housing initiative building permanent housing solutions for trans people in New Orleans, with Yves Mathieu. Via their Instagram.

That’s something we both want. That’s a world that is possible when we give our energy to the stories that transform, the ones that are born from our childlike inclination towards abundance and expansiveness rather than our fear of what we don’t know. That’s the world survivors deserve.

What if the woman who intended to attack me in the bathroom saw the fear in my eyes and realized that we’re both incredibly tired of being wary of peril at every turn? What if we acknowledged each other as mirror images, even with distinct lived experiences? What if we turned our focus towards addressing that fear and recognized that, in the case that a threat presents itself, it’d be much easier for the two of us to take it on together than alone?

Even My Soft Butch Hufflepuff Dreamboat Couldn’t Redeem the Cash-Grabbing Mess of “Hogwarts Mystery”

When I turned sixteen, my mom wanted to throw me a big party. You know, Sweet Sixteen, and all that. I told her absolutely not, that I’d much prefer to save us all a lot of stress and money and celebrate my birthday in my favorite way: by ignoring it. We ended up sort of compromising, and I brought a bunch of friends to see Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone when it premiered instead. If I had to acknowledge my birthday, I was going to at least enjoy Harry Potter while doing it.

Like so many other queer kids, I had fallen in love with the wizarding world — with its mail-delivering owls, and chocolate frogs that jump — almost immediately. Hogwarts was a place where being different was something to be celebrated, not hidden, and that sounded like heaven to my closeted teenage ears. I’m not a kid anymore, and I came out a long time ago, but I still love Harry Potter with all of my heart. So it really does pain me to tell you that the new mobile game, Hogwarts Mystery, makes me want to smash my phone into a million pieces.

None of the sense of wonder that made Harry Potter special is anywhere to be found in Hogwarts Mystery. Instead, the game is a hollow and nearly unplayable attempt to cash in on a billion-dollar franchise. It’s advertised as a narrative/RPG-style game “where players can create their own character and experience life as a Hogwarts student,” but none of the choices you make seem to actually impact the story in any meaningful way.

The general plot of Hogwarts Mystery is that your older brother tried to find some Cursed Vaults in Hogwarts, but something went wrong. He was expelled and has since disappeared. It’s your turn to start at Hogwarts now, and you’re determined to figure out what happened. As far as story set-ups go it’s fine, I guess, but the notoriety surrounding you because of things you didn’t do (and don’t really know about) plays out a lot like the beginning of Harry Potter. You even have your very own version of Draco Malfoy named Merula, a pure-blood obsessed Slytherin who despises you from the get go.

Not All Slytherins.

One of the only good things about Hogwarts Mystery is that I was able to create the softest butch imaginable from a pretty limited character creator. She also makes consistently hilarious facial expressions, like this one:

Look at this dork.

Once you create your character, there’s a brief tutorial that introduces the gameplay. Gameplay is a term I am using very loosely here, because the main mechanic, and probably about 85% of the game so far, is tapping on anything that is outlined in blue. I figured I would just go with it, even though it was repetitive and boring, in hopes that the game would pick up once I actually made it to Hogwarts. Reader, it did not.

TAP HERE. FOREVER. YOU’LL NEVER STOP TAPPING.

In fact, the very first time there’s any excitement at all, the game hits a wall. You see, the little blue lightning circles were actually “energy” all along and it turns out you only have a finite amount of energy to complete tasks, which was somehow not really covered in the tutorial. So here you are, being literally strangled to death by Devil’s Snare:

And suddenly you run out of energy! Never fear though, you can just buy more energy with gems. Easy enough, right? But what if you run out of gems (which you will surely do all the time)?

Oh.

So at this point your options are to shell out some cash or wait like an hour for your energy to recharge, which makes absolutely no sense given your current predicament. And that’s basically the whole game. Sure there are dialog options and choices to make, but the main choice of the game is this: do you pause and break up the flow of the story in inexplicable ways or do you pump money in to keep blindly tapping.

WHY DO I NEED ENERGY TO REST, THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!!

“Freemium” isn’t a new concept and Hogwarts Mystery isn’t the first game to use dark patterns in an attempt to make some money, but the blatant lack of effort to create an entertaining game here is disheartening. Puzzle games like Candy Crush that use a similar tactic work because there’s actually some level of skill involved; you want to keep playing to solve the puzzles.

In Hogwarts Mystery, the only thing that keeps you going is the story, which is… still fine, I guess. You mostly interact with Rowan, who becomes your best friend after you meet in Diagon Alley during the tutorial. She’s in your house no matter which one you choose, which is another thing that doesn’t make sense because she is so clearly a Ravenclaw:

She’s a cute nerd though, which is 100% my type, and if I don’t uninstall this game from my phone before year four or five I’ll probably try to romance her (if that’s even an option). Anyway, Rowan is down to help you investigate the Cursed Vaults and also help you learn to how to duel, which is another part of the game that I think was probably created by someone who has never read or seen any of the Harry Potters.

The way duels work in Hogwarts Mystery is that they’re exactly like rock-paper-scissors, and also sometimes if you win a round you can “throw a vial” to reduce your opponent’s stamina (which is definitely not a thing). It makes no sense, but it’s such a relief not to be tapping randomly at the screen that I don’t even care.

Throughout your first year, you also meet a few more friends named Penny Haywood and Ben Copper. Ben is a cowardly Gryffindor and mostly a boring character, but Penny is a total babe with a heart of gold. She takes an interest in you because you stand up to Merula’s bullying and beat her in a duel, like a badass. Penny starts talking to you and reduces you to a stammering gay disaster, which is the truest part of the whole game so far.

This is the collective queer reaction to every pretty girl.

At the end of the year, you can choose whether to take Penny or Ben (along with Rowan) on an adventure to try and find a Cursed Vault. Obviously, the correct answer is to take Penny, which I did, but apparently that choice doesn’t actually matter because in the beginning of the second year Ben is somehow the one affected by the trip. Hey look, it’s another thing that doesn’t make sense!

As of right now, the game is only playable into the third year, but I haven’t made it to that point yet because I’m not willing to spend a single cent on this thing. The idea of a Hogwarts RPG is such a good one, and it had the potential to be a robust and fun experience, but Hogwarts Mystery is a complete let down. Unless the developer, Jam City, makes some serious and fundamental changes, I do not recommend this incredibly frustrating game — even (or maybe especially) if you’re a Harry Potter fan.

Try Your Liquid Luck With This Harry Potter Trivia Quiz

The only thing I love more than talking about Harry Potter is answering questions about Harry Potter to show-off how smart I am and then asking other people questions about Harry Potter so they can show-off how smart they are and then talking to a bunch of show-offs about Harry Potter. I like testing and being tested as much as Hermione Granger, you could say. This quiz is adapted from a full game of Harry Potter Jeopardy I created; I just pulled medium-level questions from all the categories. If you ever want to play the full game, bring some Butterbeer to my house and I will dazzle you.

Please let me know your score along with your Hogwarts house in the comments.

Riese Finally Read Harry Potter: The Autostraddle Interview

As you probably know by now, I have a Thing for Harry Potter. Reading the books as an adult was the most liberating experience of my life, and I credit them with helping me to come out also to pursue my dreams of becoming a writer. Autostraddle dot com Headmistress Riese Bernard had never read Harry Potter at all, not even a little bit, hadn’t even heard any spoilers (including the one about Snape!) until a few months ago. It was a real treat watching her learn to love the series too, and so when she was all finished, I called her up on the phone and talked to her about her magical journey. Here are the things that she said.

*Oh first: SPOILER ALERT. This interview contains spoilers for every major and important thing that happens in the entire series.*

So you’ve only just now read Harry Potter for the first time in your life! What took you so long?

Well, I tend to choose books based on what I think will make me a better writer, rather than because I’m drawn to the story. Especially during the time when Harry Potter was so popular, I was only able to read things I sought out specifically to help me with my voice for a story I was writing or books from popular queer or feminist women whose voices I wanted to learn from, or just whose voices I wanted in my head. I’ve also just never really been into fantasy.

I actually did read Sorcerer’s Stone, though! I read it in 2005 when I was working at a literary agency because we were getting all these rip-off Harry Potter submissions and I needed to know what was going on. I liked it! Hogwarts reminded me of Interlochen, where I went to high school. But I had a million other things I had to read for work, too, so I didn’t read any additional Harry Potter books.

Why’d you cave and read the rest of the books?

Because you guys talk about it all the time! You reference Harry Potter at least five times a day.

I know. I have a problem.

No, it’s not even just you! So does everyone else. [My girlfriend] Abby loves these books too. I know so many people who are still obsessed with them. Finally I was just like, “Okay, I don’t understand these references. I have got to know what everyone is talking about.”

When you first started reading them, you were like, “Eh, whatever.”

Yeah.

But I was with you the day after you finished Goblet of Fire, and I could tell they had your heart at that point. You plowed through those last three books, and they’re the big ones.

I finished Deathly Hallows in two days.

What changed?

I think, obviously, the books just get better. And I was reading them on my Kindle on my phone, but once we picked up Abby’s physical books from her house in Indiana over Christmas and I started reading those instead of Kindle versions, the story got a lot more real to me. In Goblet of Fire, things get a lot darker, and fast. And the characters get more complicated and interesting. But I also think — and I know this isn’t some kind of revelation; people have been telling me this about Harry Potter forever — that I was going through a complicated time in my own life and the harder things got for me, personally, the more I found myself turning to Hogwarts. Part of it is definitely escapism, but I think part of it is watching them navigate this magical world that really doesn’t seem too distant from what we experience in our own lives.

This is maybe weird to say, but the more people who died in the books, the more I related to the characters who lived.

Mmm hmm. People who write off Harry Potter as simple escapism really have to ignore a whole lot of horrific darkness these kids go through. It’s interesting that you talk about finding a kind of comfort in them. JK Rowling talked a lot about how writing these books was an exercise in helping her cope with the loss of her mother. And you’re also a person who has lost a parent.

I was really sad. It was very hard for me to read that. Two books end with surrogate fathers dying. I was mad at you. I was mad at Abby. When Sirius died, I was like, “What the fuck?” And then when Dumbledore died? I was like, “You motherfuckers, I hate all of you.” I cried when Sirius died. I know a lot of people criticized the books for getting darker, but it made me appreciate them so much more. Life is full of darkness and a never-ending cycle of grief, and just when you think one more thing can’t get pulled from your heart, there it goes! This is maybe weird to say, but the more people who died in the books, the more I related to the characters who lived.

Who did you relate to the most?

Dumbledore — but I think it bears mentioning that when I told you and Abby that I related to Dumbledore the most, but a less perfect version, you both agreed with me and told me I’d identify with him even more after I finished Half-Blood Prince. But you know what happened at the end of Half-Blood Prince? HE DIED, you assholes!

For real, though. I get to lead a group of magical people every day. I am always on the lookout for people who are truly magical to add to my “school,” and I want to help these people become better wizards. And I struggle with the amount of emotion I can invest in these magical people without setting up false expectations, so I end up holding back a lot with how deep I can make my relationships. I have to withhold so many things that I would really like to talk about. And I’ve seen a lot. I’ve been around Hogwarts 120 times.

To be fair, Abby and I did say you’d have to make it all the way to the end before you truly understood Dumbledore.

Right! In Deathly Hallows, when the mythology of Dumbledore started breaking down and Harry started learning hard things about him, and even some shitty things about him, that’s when I started relating to him the most. Even the phase of his life with Grindelwald, it reminded me of a time when I was dating a super-genius during a manic phase, and she saw in me something special that she said was also super-genius. She said we were special, we should be set apart, she told me I was better than these other people in my life. That is not a way I usually think about myself, at all! Which is why it was so intoxicating for me to hear her say it. When there aren’t a lot of people who share your ambition, and you meet somebody who does, and who can match you intellectually, I can see how it would be easy for Dumbledore to get caught up in someone else’s power-hungry fever-dream for a second. It’s not power we were hungry for, but I can understand getting there.

Also, man, Dumbledore makes mistakes! He made some major mistakes! And while I am so proud of everything I’ve accomplished at Autostraddle, I have fucked up in some huge ways. I’ve hurt people. I’ve let people down. I’ve let people slip through the cracks that I shouldn’t have. When Rita Skeeter’s book about Dumbledore came out and Harry was like, “Wow, is this really true?” I was like… “If people read the book about me, I think they’d feel the same way.”

That’s fascinating. That’s not why I said you remind me of Dumbledore at all. For me, Dumbledore is the world’s most powerful and talented wizard, and he did fuck up when he was figuring out who he was. But he’s a guy who saw the darkness in himself and the darkness in the world and didn’t give up. In fact, it only strengthened his resolve to find a way to bring light and whimsy and magic into the lives of countless magical people. If anyone had the right to give up hope, it was Dumbledore, but with his literal dying breath, he was believing the best in the kid who was trying to kill him. His mistakes led to a long life of perpetually redeeming other people.

Well, that’s a very kind interpretation of me.

I really believe it.

I guess — no, you’re right. In some ways, I do feel like I am doing penance and that I want to make sure other people never believe the stupid things I’ve been duped into believing by my own prejudice or ignorance. Like how Dumbledore really did think he was better than Muggles in the beginning… but he wasn’t! I feel like my answers are making me sound like an egotistical maniac!

No! Absolutely not! Acknowledging your own power does not making you an egotistical maniac! Knowing you are powerful and exercising that power with empathy is the very best of Dumbledore. Right, and Dumbledore knows he could be the Minister of Magic —

But he’d rather have his own website devoted to empowering queer women. He would never be satisfied as the Editor-in-Chief of Buzzfeed.

There’s no amount of Xanax in the world that could make me as chill and powerful as Minerva McGonagall.

That’s it, exactly. Who’s your favorite Hogwarts professor?

McGonagall.

Correct. How come?

Because she’s so strong and no-nonsense and reasoned and measured. There’s no amount of Xanax in the world that could make me as chill and powerful as Minerva McGonagall. Obviously I was also imagining her as Maggie Smith, so that helped.

You finished the movies last night, right? How do you think they compare to the books?

Well, I’m sure it will come as a HUGE surprise to everyone to hear I thought the books were waaaaay better than the movies! It’s weird how much stuff they cut out. I mean, I realize they had to for time, but so many of Harry and Dumbledore’s conversations — the things that make sense of entire chunks of the series’ mythology — are just left out completely. The action sequences were fun to watch because I don’t really pay much attention to them when I’m reading them, and I’m not very good at watching them. The movies were trying really hard to be authentic to the story, but they felt more like a highlights reel to me.

Okay, it’s time for some rapid-fire questions. Are you ready?

No, I already feel your judgement.

What’s your Patronus?

A monkey.

What would your Boggart be?

It would be everyone involved with Autostraddle and A-Camp deciding I’m a terrible person and they don’t want to work with me anymore.

What would you see in the Mirror of Erised.

I would see myself with my Dad.

Okay, I’m going to ask you to say the Harry Potter character that reminds you most of each of our senior editors. And you have to do their Patronus. Let’s do Laneia first.

Ginny Weasley. But book Ginny, not movie Ginny. Powerful, beautiful, beloved. Maybe her Patronus would be a fox.

Rachel.

Obviously Hermione. A panther patronus? A big cat, I think. Maybe a lion.

Yvonne.

McGonagall. Tungi as her Patronus.

Heather Hogan.

Neville Longbottom, with a little dash of Hagrid. Your Patronus would be something so nice that everyone would be like, “That’s too nice, I don’t even believe it’s real.” Two otters holding hands.

Perfect answer. So, you were being an elitist about Harry Potter, but now you’ve read it and loved it — but do you feel like it was worthy of your time, for real? Did it make you better?

It did. It gave me comfort but it also inspired me. It really made me miss fiction writing. The world building is so dense and the characterizations are so strong. I could not believe how much the mythology of the world kept growing with each book, and it’s obvious she imagined it all beforehand. I never felt like I was up against the edge of the world and I kept being like, “How did you think of yet this whole other new magical thing, JK Rowling?!” How big is her imagination? It’s unreal.

Some critics talk about how overly long the books get, but I vehemently disagree with that. People always point to Order of the Phoenix, but there isn’t one newly introduced thing in that book that doesn’t wrap back around on itself in a major way later in the story.

Order of the Phoenix was not too long. I heard someone say that. It absolutely isn’t. Maybe that’s why I started getting more into the books around Goblet of Fire. I’m not — okay, you know how many stupid TV shows we have to watch. We get so used to the dumbest bullshit happening for no reason, and so you start to distrust storytellers and their ability to make sense of anything. There’s no explanation for why anything happens, no authentic character motivation. As soon as I realized that I could trust that every scene in Harry Potter was there for a reason, every line of dialogue — I couldn’t stop reading it. You don’t expect that from any writer. You especially don’t expect it from a children’s book writer.

I feel the shade you are throwing at Pretty Little Liars.

Yes! And also shows like Lost. I want to ask the showrunners, “do you know what you’re doing? Or are you just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks?”

Now I feel you throwing shade at Glee.

I mean, yes. Queer women learn not to trust most writers. It’s shocking to be able to put trust into a writer, to really believe they have everything mapped out and know what they’re doing.

Ten years ago, I was working in this tiny little cube, my soul getting crushed more and more every day by a horrible job working with horrible people, and I was in the closet, and my church was just getting worse and worse every day. I found your blog and Harry Potter at the same time, and they were both so essential in empowering me to actually start living my life. The fact that I work for you now, and am casually chatting on the phone with you about Harry Potter is surreal to me. You are very much a Dumbledore in my life, and I really want you to know that.

You’re kind of like a Patronus, I think.

Nah, I’m way too scared to protect anyone from anything. Okay, final question: Who on our staff would win in an Ultimate Wizard’s Duel?

Yvonne. You’re right: McGonagall never would apologize for her power.

Nails by Nic: Accio! Harry Potter House Pride Manicure

I talk (and joke) a lot about nail care and maintenance with my fellow queer ladies, but it almost always leads to me yelling about my latest manicure or what sweet new colors I picked up at the beauty supply store. I’ve had a fairly intense obsession with nail polish and painting my nails for as long as I can remember, and it may have actually been the first thing I fangirled over (I’m talking mass blog-following, amassing way too many bottles of nail polish, etc.). My collection of nail polish and various nail tools has evolved over the years, but one thing has remained constant: the hour or so I spend creating miniature art on my fingernails gives me so much happiness!

I love me a good themed mani, so: To coincide with the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, I decided to do Harry Potter-themed polka dot manicure and give you a play by play of how it’s done so you can try it yourself. There are a lot of Harry Potter inspired manis out there, but I haven’t seen any with polka dots!

You’ll find a full list of nail polish brand and colors at the end of this post. In the meantime, let’s “Tarantino” this thing. Here’s the finished product:

Now, here’s how we get there.

Step One

The first thing I do is put together a manicure mise en place, if you will. It helps me to see all of the tools and polishes laid out before getting started. I won’t go into my pre-polish process, but here’s a look at what I used to prep and the polishes I used.

(L to R: cotton balls, nail clipper, cuticle pusher, cuticle remover, nail polish remover, nail file, cuticle cutter, dotting tools, buffer)

Step Two

Once your nails are prepped, start with one coat of base coat. Right now I’m using the Seche Clear base, but I like to change it up too.

Step Three

Then, follow up with two coats of each house color. In order from pinky to thumb it’s Ravenclaw (navy), Deathly Hallows (white base), Gryffindor (red), Slytherin (green), Hufflepuff (yellow).

As a Hufflepuff, I decided to give it the most nail real estate, but probably one of the best things about doing your nails is you have the freedom to take creative liberties, so mix it up!

Step Four

Next up, the Deathly Hallows! Admittedly, this turned out about as straight as I am (spoiler: not at all), but I love it anyway! I used a polish that comes with a thin black brush to draw the symbol. First, I drew the triangle (the Cloak of Invisibility), then drew a straight line representing the Elder Wand, and finally added a circle for the Resurrection Stone.

Step Five

To create the polka dots, I used a dotting tool. You can find them for pretty cheap on Amazon. Start with three dots down the center of the nail, then two dots to the left and right of center, and then two more sets of dots the the left and right of those! Continue this for the rest of the Houses, finish with the top coat of your choosing (wait about 3-5 minutes for the dots to dry first) and voila! You have a manicure that J.K. herself will be proud of!

(See, I promised we’d get back here!)

Supplies

Here’s a list of the colors that I used for this manicure:

Base Coat: Seche Clear
Top Coat: Seche Vite
Deathly Hallows: OPI Angel With a Leadfoot, Art Club NA2 Black
Ravenclaw: Zoya Sailor, Orly LUXE
Gryffindor: Zoya Rekha, Zoya Solange
Slytherin: Zoya Hunter, OPI My Signature is “DC”
Hufflepuff: Zoya Pippa, OPI Black Onyx

What are some of your favorite products to use? Do you like to keep it simple with solid colors or get fancy and mix it up? I’d love to hear from you!

Witch Hunt: The Vernal Equinox Makes Everything New Again

by Rory Midhani

The World Wide Web has been delightfully witchy this past month, with Thug Scholar writing about the Unapologetic Queerness of Haitain Vodou, a group of witches hexing that human dumpster fire Martin Shkreli, Slashfilm featuring an oral history of the witch movie classic, Teen Witch, people writing about their Millenial and Political witchcraft and much more. Afterellen had this really great roundup of lesbian witches in TV and Movies cleverly titled “Witch Hunt: Lesbian Witches in Pop Culture.” I wish I had thought of that name for an article about witches. I was also interviewed along with Rhea Wolfe, Emma Rault and Rebecca Artemisa (who I’m a huge fan of) for Bitch Media’s Popaganda podcast about modern day witches and witches in pop culture. It’s a pretty great podcast you guys, I hope you all check it out!

A LOT of queer ladies saw the new horror film The Witch over the past couple weeks and A LOT of them DID NOT like it ONE BIT. For my favorite thoughts on the movie by someone who doesn’t write for Autostraddle, you should check out the ever-clever Mallory Ortberg says at The Toast. You can also see our very own Aja give her wonderful take on it later in this column.

As usual, we at Autostraddle had our fair share of witchy content. There are the usual (and always great) contributions by Beth, Corina and, if I may say so myself, me. My Drawn to Comics column featured an exclusive preview of a comic by Aatmaja Pandya from The Other Side, a queer paranormal romance comic anthology. Corina’s Satellite of Love brought eternally helpful and wise horoscopes. Beth’s Fool’s Journey brought a roundup of wonderful Tarot links and another entry about how to deal with restlessness. Erin also added her hilarious and very helpful list of 5 Things to Keep in Mind Before Seeing The Witch.

I really wish I didn’t have to talk about this, but unfortunately, I feel like I do. JK Rowling, the creator of Harry Potter, and one of my all-time favorite fictional universes has recently started to release information about the history of magic in North America. Now, as a bruja, a witch who’s magic and traditions are rooted in Mexican (North American) magic, I was really excited to see what kind of wizarding world would exist here. After I read what she said my excitement fell into heavy disappointment. Over on Native Appropriations, Dr. Adrienne Keene gets right to the issue of it all, talking about how in rewriting the very real history of magic in North America this way, Rowling is participating in and continuing the tradition of colonization and appropriation of Indigenous culture. This kind of wildly disrespectful treatment of such sacred things is honestly breaking my heart, especially by someone who’s work has meant so much to me.

Another writer, Mari Kurisato took to twitter to make some extremely important points about the kind of real and lasting damage this kind of treatment of Native peoples does to real life living people. Her tweets are storified, but you should really check out her twitter (and that of Dr. Keene) to learn more about this.

Playlist: Musical Spell for Curing a Broken Heart

Words With Witches

by Rachel

stang (noun) – In Western traditional/folkloric witchcraft, especially that following the teachings of English occultist Robert Cochrane, a stang is a forked stick with the longer, unforked end anchored in the ground. For ceremonial and magical use, it can be “an axis on which magic can turn,” a tool to cast a circle, and/or can be used by a witch to “ride” into another world or astral realm. It may also be represented not as a forked piece of wood but a “a iron-tined pitchfork or a pole with the skull of a horned beast on it;” it is linked to the Horned Lord/Witch Lord and to horned/antlered animals. The forked stang may have either a central third tine or a candle lit between the two tines that represents a “middle path” associated with the dead; the stang may also be made out of ash wood to associate with Yggdrasil, a holy tree of Norse mythology.

(Sourced mostly from the American Folkloric Witchcraft blog)

Witches Who Sing

by Molly

click to enlarge

Wheel of the Year

by Beth

They say that March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb. As I write this, on the 4th March, snow is falling thickly past my window, and the idea of spring seems far away. Yet, in under three weeks, we will be celebrating the equinox, the first day of spring.

Here in the UK (and everywhere east of this), the equinox falls on March 20th, though in many parts of the US it will be the 19th. Check this map for your local date. (And if you’re down under, you’ll find a short piece on the autumnal equinox here.)

Winter snow and then the warmth of spring, night and day, moon and sun, light and dark, the vernal equinox is a festival of balance. The sun leaves watery Pisces and moves into fiery Aries around this date.

Much of the information available about this festival focuses on ‘the union of male and female’. The maiden (often the goddess Brigid) and the ardent, potent young male coming together to create new life. The ‘masculine’, active energy of the sun and the passive ’feminine’ moon. We can queer this by ignoring the gender essentialism of the metaphors so often used in spring traditions, and focusing on the deeper meaning, which is all about blending those opposites to achieve something wonderful. When we can get fire and water working together, our outer lives and our inner lives given equal attention, magic happens, things begin to grow, new life springs forth, new possibilities emerge. It reminds me very much of the Temperance tarot card, with its themes of blending water and fire – apparent opposites. (Related: Temperance also featured as the key card in this tarot reading for a genderqueer person looking for ways to get their masculine and feminine sides working together.)

At Imbolc, when we were still in the midst of winter but could feel spring on its way, we looked forward to new growth and prepared for this time. Now – we are ready to act, to make the inner and outer work together. How can you begin to manifest the ideas you have been incubating? How can you enact what you hold inside, making your inner desires tangible and real? How can you make the impossible possible?

Glennie Kindred – my favourite writer on Wheel of the Year celebrations – offers this simple ritual, using a symbol of potency frequently associated with spring: an egg.

Pass an egg or imaginary egg around the circle, each focusing on what they have been incubating since the autumn and wish to bring out into the world. This is the fertile time. Being aware of your direction will greatly enhance the outcome. Share your thoughts with each other if you want to, before passing the egg on to the next person. At the end place the egg or imaginary egg on the shrine.

Glennie Kindred, Sacred Earth Celebrations

Spring’s element is air, whose qualities of clarity, foresight, cleansing and light blow in on the breeze. Spring cleaning traditionally takes place now (if you didn’t already do this at Imbolc!); we are ready to de-clutter, physically. As sunlight returns we notice the dirt on our windows, the dust in our homes, the clutter that builds up in the winter months.

A few ways to celebrate Spring Equinox:

• Try Alexis J Cunningfolk’s ‘Brightening’ tarot spread
• Spring cleaning and decluttering.
• Especially, clean your sacred things – wands, crystals, altar items. You can make a traditional cleansing wash using hyssop by adding drops of the essential oil to water, or make a simple tea and use this to wash your things.
• Make crafts that celebrate the wind and air: colourful flags, streamers and kites. Then get out and run with them and watch them fly in the wind!
• Read all about dragons
• Climb a hill and breathe in the fresh air, taking in the view.
• Decorate eggs – hard-boil them or blow them and paint in bright colours. You can give them as gifts or decorate your home. Or host a good old-fashioned egg-hunt.
• Make tea or tincture from cleansing herbs – cleavers and nettle are both traditional spring tonics.
• For your altar: Daffodils and yellow flowers, catkins, eggs, dragon-like symbols. Symbols of air, like feathers.

My Favorite Witch

by Alaina

I love a good story about a scorned woman getting her revenge, and the Witch from Into the Woods is one of the greatest stories out there. This woman was so dedicated to her garden’s success, that she cursed a family for messing with her greens: “Greens, greens, nothing but greens: parsley, peppers, cabbages and celery, asparagus and watercress and fiddle ferns and lettuce!” After all, a witch’s garden is very important to her! Besides the Witch being a badass rapper, she also has a heart.

She’s not a monster, she’s a woman wronged who is demanding that those wrongs be righted before she wipes the slate clean. She gives the Baker and the Baker’s Wife all the tools they need to break the curse, and even tells them that once it’s broken, it doesn’t mean that everything will be fixed. “Sometimes the things you most wish for are not to be touched.” She’s trying to help! But no one listens to you when you’re a witch—thanks a lot patriarchy.

Actress Phylicia Rashad in a scene from the first replacement cast of the Broadway musical “Into the Woods”.

Not only is the Witch a powerful character on her own, she has a history of being played by amazing women who bring her to life in new and exciting ways every single time. Bernadette Peters originated her and Phylicia Rashad, Donna Murphy, Vanessa Williams, and Meryl Streep have all played her. Each of these women have pushed past what could easily be played flatly as an evil hag with no morals to create a fully rounded character. One who is broken and breaks, heals and is healed. When I wanted to be an actor I wanted to play her, and now that I’m figuring out my identity as witchy person, I want to be her. She will always be my favorite witch.

A Witch Watches The Witch

by Aja

Before I had any idea I’d be writing this review, The Witch only barely leapt at the corners of my peripheral; I hadn’t seen any of the trailers, hadn’t read any articles or done any digging. But I was in the mood for something spooky, and what I did know was that the cinematography looked striking and that it seemed more artful than most films. Especially most horror films; my eighteen-year-old daughter and her friends go catch every new horror movie that comes out, no matter how spectacularly bad it looks. (In fact, I think the worse it does, the more excited they are to see it. The last one was The Boy and she still snickers every time it comes up.) I wanted to see if she’d come along with her old mom instead this time, so we watched this trailer and then this trailer together, and despite it being broad daylight she sort of whimper-wailed and backed away from the laptop. The trailers leave you leaden with dread, but they’re hypnotizing.

The Witch leaves you stupefied and spent; stupefied because it’s shot almost entirely in natural light and on a set of staggering attention to detail (“directly from period journals, diaries, and court records”) — the only salve the film offers, and spent from the patience it demands for ninety-three relentless minutes of excruciating silence alternated with unintelligible but wonderful lyricism in the dialogue that you strain to hear over the howling of the score, which often skids without warning into more silence, or the sound of wood splitting, or the way people scream at one another when they’re unconcerned with being overheard.

Thomasin is our main character in a perpetually clouded-over 17th century Puritan Christian New England. Though she is bright, devout and (mostly) obedient, her world begins to unravel after her family is exiled from their plantation and they are forced to make a life at the edge of a dark little miserable wood. To keep her company, there is a slightly younger brother, Caleb, and two naughty much younger twins, Mercy and Jonas. Their mother, Katherine, gives birth to the youngest, little baby Samuel, after they’ve settled into a very modest home with failing crops and a pair of black and white goats. Despite her father’s raspy, resonant growl-speak and penchant for endlessly chopping firewood, he is frequently engaged in bargaining with those around him; it perfectly embodies the uncertain desperation of a patriarch who’s put all of his family’s eggs into the basket of a silent, indifferent god.

So things are already not going well when wee Samuel goes missing on Thomasin’s watch; the word ‘witch’ shifts from a silly creekside taunt to life-threatening accusation in an alarmingly short amount of time. There are, we know, witches in the woods. They do unspeakable things: nude and horribly bent, old grey flesh smeared with ghastly red unguent, another is barefoot but clothed, long inky ringlets spilling into overflowing cleavage, quick to seduce a frightened child.

There are little brown following rabbits, an erratic goat called Black Phillip, the white one who suddenly gives blood instead of milk. But there is also Katherine’s contempt toward Thomasin long before the baby goes missing, William’s growing weakness and inability to provide for his family, Caleb’s lingering glances at his sister’s maturing body whether she is asleep or awake, the twins’ havoc and idleness. The adults speak in hushed tones of trading Thomasin off to another family, setting off a ghoulish chain of unforgettable events. Whatever strength or faith they may have had when they left the plantation, William and Katherine — their children rapidly dwindling in number — are slowly consumed by paranoia, hysteria, and madness.

In the end, nothing is left but a circle of power. Within it, either damnation or deliverance. Flames crackle and lick the sky where a thick cluster of treetops release themselves to the night. Women whirl and rise, skin naked and radiant with light. When I left the theater, it was a little bit fearful of the darker things women do to protect one another from men and their deadly fear of female power. Now I wish we went there more often.

Practice of the Month

by Rachel

Ritual is important to all of us, no matter how witchy we are or aren’t. There are rituals that are passed down to us, like a religious ceremony or the tradition of stopping at the Auntie Anne’s on Rt. 495 after visiting Grandma; there are rituals we create for ourselves, like having a cup of hot cocoa and putting on Person of Interest after a long day, or going for brunch at the same place every Sunday. Rituals commemorate important or meaningful occasions; they can help us produce states of mind or feelings that we want to achieve, or process feelings we’re already experiencing. They can help us connect with others or spend time with ourselves alone. They can help us remember where we put our keys, because our brains are weird machines. This will be a discussion about how to purposefully design a ritual of your own in an intentional way centered around your needs!

This is totally arbitrary and personal, but I find it useful to think about ritual as being either in response to something or as attempts to bring about some kind of response. A ritual that responds to something might be a ritual that you undertake every full moon as a witch; or like the ritual my friends had in college to make a pan of nachos and get high together every Friday afternoon to celebrate the end of the week. There may also be an association that helps your ritual, even if it’s not for it — a small daily ritual for healing might feel more powerful to you if you do it at the same time that you take your medication each day, associating the two of them. A ritual that’s meant to invoke a response might be one designed to make you feel calm when you’re anxious, or to bring you closer to your ancestors. The distinction isn’t set in stone or super important, binaries aren’t necessarily real etc. But it can be useful to think about what you’re mostly looking for when you’re starting out.

So at this point maybe you’ve got a general idea of what you want this ritual to be for; the next step is to look around and take inventory of what you have at your disposal to use or integrate. Off the top of my head, here are some things in and around my apartment that I could probably use for something ritualistic if I wanted to:

• a bathtub and shower
• coffee and tea
• candles
• scented incense
• tarot cards
• different clothing/outfits
• pretty much any music I can find on the internet
• a few scented essential oils

I could go on, but that’s a pretty good start! Again, this is subjective and personal, but I feel that especially good things to integrate into rituals both spiritual and secular are: 1) things with a strong sensory element 2) things with symbolic significance 3) things with personal or emotional significance. Do you have to use all three of those types of elements? No, of course not, but you may find them helpful.

Keep in mind your own internal resources, too, and don’t feel pressured by what concepts of meaningful rituals “should” look like to exceed them. For instance, if you have challenges related to memory or executive function, don’t feel like you need to do something complex with ten steps that takes an hour to complete; many people find rituals like two or three minutes of quiet mindfulness hugely transformative, with no props or elaborate ceremony.

Once you’ve got an idea of what elements are at your disposal, think about which of them relate to the purpose of your ritual, and how. For instance, to me chamomile tea symbolizes calmness and comfort, I know that I find the smell of lavender soothing on a biological sensory level, and I have in my closet a comfy, saggy sweater of my mother’s that I used to wear as a kid if I was cold or upset. So a great ritual for me if I wanted to feel comfort and safety would be to put on that sweater while dabbing lavender essential oil on my wrists and temples and sipping on chamomile tea, maybe adding one more sensory element like listening to waves crashing or rain sounds on my headphones.

I am really big on using sensory things (smells! sounds! tastes!) because I’m really interested in the way our brain can learn to respond to them subconsciously, thus getting you involved in your ritual or habit on a deeper level — for instance, I’m trying to light the same incense every time I sit down to write so that my brain can get into a mood for writing more effectively — but of course it’s not necessary, especially if your ritual is more about intention or honoring a part of your craft. For another example, if I wanted to start a new project or venture with the right intention and energy, I might pick out a tarot card that I think is related to it and light a candle while I focus on the concepts of the card and my plans.

Once you’ve made a plan for your ritual, the important thing is to carve out real space and time for it, even if the space is “sitting on your bed” and the time is “five minutes.” Focus and immerse yourself as much as you can, noticing how you feel, the sensations you experience, let yourself enjoy it. And to the extent that your ritual is something you want to do regularly, continue making a space in your life for it.

What do you want or need ritual for in your life? Up to you! It can be an anchor, something that happens at the same time and in the same way and that you have control over, even if it’s as small as having a cup of coffee on your porch each morning. It can be a spell, I think, if that’s what you need it to be, and especially if you want to include items or practices that are specific to your craft. It can be a promise to yourself, a commitment to keep showing up for yourself in the same way no matter what — something about the repetition is important, the fact that you’re doing something for this part of yourself more than once, prioritizing it and you over and over. It can be a point of connection, something you share with other people in your life or a way to be in touch with spirits or deities that are important to you. The constant, I think, is that (as with many things!) you get out as much as you put in, and the benefit of giving yourself this thing is as big as you are willing to take it (and yourself, and your needs) seriously.

Witch Hunt: What’s Your Witchsona?

by Rory Midhani

Welcome back, Witches.

Have you ever heard of Witchsona Week? It’s basically my favorite week of the year (other than A-Camp week). Back in 2014, Victoria Grace Elliott and Brittney Sabo came up with the idea to have people come up with their “witchsonas” during the week of the first full moon of the year. Ever since then, artists and cartoonists from all around the internet have been coming up with clever and creative witchsonas that show themselves as a type of witch that represents who they are. This combines some of my absolute favorite things, witches, aesthetics and art. I’m going to post and link to some of my favorite witchsonas from this year throughout the beginning of this Witch Hunt. What would your witchsona look like?

Witchsonas clockwise from left: Victoria Grace Elliott, Steenz Stewart, Carey Pietsch, Melanie Gillman.

All around the internet, witches have been super popular this month. The witchy world of Harry Potter got a little bigger and better as a new and improved Sorting Hat Quiz went up the Pottermore website, which gave quite a few people serious identity crises when they were sorted into a different house than before. Not only that, but J.K. Rowling also released information about four previously unknown schools of witchcraft and wizardry: one in Africa, one in Brazil, one in Japan and one in North America. There’s not a lot of information about these new schools, but the stuff that’s there is really cool. There was also a new featurette that went into depth into some of the new characters that we’re going to meet in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Witchsonas clockwise from left: Kate Leth, Ariel Ries, Anna Archie Bongiovanni, Molly Ostertag.

Apart from all that Harry Potter news, the Satanic Temple officially threw itself behind a very different type of witch movie, the upcoming Puritan New England-set The Witch, and are even going to present screenings in Detroit, Los Angeles, New York City and Austin. According to Satanic Temple Spokesperson Jex Blackmore, “The Witch is more than a film; it is a transformative Satanic experience that, in its call to arms, becomes an act of spiritual sabotage and liberation from the oppressive traditions of our forefathers.” Sounds fun.

Over at Atlas Obscura, they’ve reported that researchers with the Gallows Hill Project have determined that the site where accused witches where hanged after the Salem Witch Trials is now located right next to a Walgreens parking lot. The same website also talked about a study that shows there might be a link between climate change and accusations of witchcraft. While the climate change connection is just a theory, this article does have a lot of interesting information about when and why people are persecuted for supposedly being witches. Katy Horan and Taisia Kitaiskaia made a really gorgeous and beautifully written comic about some Literary Witches that you should definitely check out. Finally, if you’ve caught onto the trend of coloring books for adults, why not give these witchy coloring books by Monica Richards a try?

Witchsonas clockwise from left: Wendy Xu, Noelle Stevenson, Mari Costa, Blue Delliquanti.

It’s also been a good month for us witches here at Autostraddle. We had our regular (and terrific) articles by Beth and Corina, with Beth delivering another great edition of her tarot column and Corina writing some scary-accurate horoscopes (seriously, mine was magically accurate). I also wrote about Balderdash! Or a Tale of Two Witches, a really wonderful and beautiful webcomic by the aforementioned Victoria G. Elliott. Finally, in one of the absolute best and definitely most hilarious articles we’ve published in a while, Erin chronicled her attempts at curing her ailments by using classic witchy home remedies. If you’d like to see a picture of an adult lying on the ground with her face in a small hole or a picture of that same adult wearing potatoes on her head, this article is for you.

Playlist: For Immersing Yourself in a Healing Ritual Bath and Emerging Ready to Conquer the World

by Rachel

Words with Witches

by Rachel

coven (noun) – a gathering or community of witches. They may perform ceremonies together or observe holidays and meaningful days together, like the Sabbats. Folklorist Margaret Murray argued that all witches had to belong to covens of exactly thirteen; in modern times, it is generally recognized that any group three or larger can be a coven, with only two witches being called a “working couple.” A coven may be led by a single authority figure, like a High Priest or Priestess in Wicca, or have a more democratic or non-hierarchal leadership. Etymologically, it may be related to the Latin convenire, to meet or convene, or may also be related to the Middle English covin/covine, a band or group.

Which book club? Witch Book Club.

by Maddie

If you are curious about how the power of witchiness relates to the Power Systems we talk about in a more political context (aka white supremacist capitalist heteropatriarchy), I highly recommend that you read Caliban and the Witch, a captivating, if also extremely dense, book about how vilifying witchcraft and the women who practiced it (and things interpreted as it) were key tools in creating capitalism in medieval Europe. In short, Siliva Federici explains that witches and women leaders in mid-millennium Europe were turned into enemies of society in order to build and reinforce the social structures necessary for the implementation of capitalist economic systems. In Federici’s analysis, it’s possible to see how systems of violence, which target women community leaders and women who found creative ways to survive, are replicated through colonialism, and continue to manifest today to maintain the class, gender and race stratifications that uphold white supremacist patriarchal capitalism. Caliban and the Witch reveals a complex system of scaffolding in many intersecting systems of oppression, and it might just give you new ideas for how to tear it down.

You can buy Caliban and the Witch or find a very large PDF here.

Witches Who Sing

by Molly

click to enlarge

My Favorite Witch

by Maree

If there’s one movie I adore as much now as I did when I was a wee witchling, it’s Practical Magic. Despite my efforts as sort of-adult to go back to it with a more cynical perspective on love and the ability of anyone to snap a noose mid-hanging, I fall right back under the Owens sisters’ spell, every time. And though I still covet Gillian (Nicole Kidman)’s mermaid-like cascade of auburn hair and Sally (Sandra Bullock)’s ability to light candles with her breath, it’s the aunts I desperately want as my real-life companions. Aunt Jet and Aunt Frances, played wickedly by the indelible Dianne West and Stockard Channing, are some of the best subversions of the old crone archetype in modern cinema. They practically exude eternal youth! They eat chocolate cake for breakfast; meddle in the love affairs of everyone — and, as far as I can tell, dance naked under the full moon. They’re at once wise and crass, both guardians of a mystical old grimoire and conjurers of midnight margaritas. And of course when they disappear without warning, leaving Gillian and Sally to literally and existentially clean up their own mess, all hell neatly breaks loose. But if there’s one lesson they have to teach us, aside from “There’s a little witch in every woman,” it’s that the most powerful magic is wielded by women who join together with a common purpose. Because when they show up, just in the nick of time, to summon an impromptu coven and exorcise the demon of Gillian’s abusive lover (aka Dr. Luka from ER), that’s exactly what happens.

Witch/Craft

by KaeLyn

Have you ever wanted to wear your favorite crystal, stone, or gem right over your heart? This simpler-than-meet-the-eye wire-wrapping technique lets you make your crystals into beautiful, personal pendants. Best of all, it does no damage to your crystal and releasing it back into it’s original state is only a matter of pliers and sharp scissors.

I followed this tutorial by kindly, sheree:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYsDJg5N7Og

Supplies

• pliers and wire cutters (multi-tool pictured)
• 20 gauge craft wire
• cord or chain to string your pendant (suede cord pictured)
• your crystal/gem/rock/whatever

Following the video tutorial, cut two long pieces of wire of the same length. Really long, very long, longer than you think you will need. Longer than the tutorial suggests. Cross them and twist them together, then place your crystal on top (1). Wrap the wire around the stone and twist them together at the top and bottom of the crystal (2). Continue to randomly twist the wires around the stone (3) and, when you are satisfied, work all the wires up to the top of the pendant (4).

Twist the wires at the top together for about 2 inches length (5). Use pliers to shape the wires wrapped around the stone to add a bit of flair (6). Using the pliers, create a loop at the top and wrap the wire around the base of the loop a couple time (7). Cut off excess wire and either file the ends of tuck them safely into the loop, so they won’t poke you when you wear the pendant. That’s it (8)!

String it up on the cord or chain or ribbon, imbue with magical properties through the method of your choice, and wear it whenever you want to keep your crystal/stone/gem amulet close!

A Brief Personal History of Black Cats

by Heather

I recently read that black cats are really dark blue, but the way the light reflects off the shape of their cat hairs makes them look black. I don’t know if that’s true. The article I read didn’t explain the actual science behind it, and even if it had, I probably wouldn’t have understood it. (I’m hopeless without Bill Nye.) What I do know, though, is that every article you ever read about black cats has a theory about whether they’re lucky or unlucky. Like many of the shitty things about the United States of America, the idea that black cats are unlucky came along with the Pilgrims, who convinced themselves that black cats were familiars of witches.

Close your eyes and let me paint you a picture. Wait, no. Open your eyes. You can’t read this with your eyes closed. Imagine this: A woman with a pointy hat. And a broom. And a cauldron. And a black cat. It’s a witch, right? You’re imagining a witch? Actually, no. What you’re imagining is an alewife, a medieval woman who brewed beer to keep people alive. Old old old school beer was rich in nutrients, and also one of the only safe ways to consume water. Women brewed it every day; it was the main source of nourishment and hydration for their families. And they sold what they had leftover. Eventually those alewives started brewing more than they needed, and brewing became a lucrative business!

Alewives wore pointy hats so people could find them in the marketplace. They used giant cauldrons to brew their beer. They put a broom outside their houses to signal that they had extra beer to sell to neighbors. And cats? Well, they prized their cats, especially black ones, who were believed to be better at chasing mice away from their precious grains.

“Whoever controls the tap controls the power,” the saying went, and of course the church couldn’t let the women have the power, so they couldn’t let the women control the tap. Thus, a smear campaign was launched against alewives, and the propagandic imagery created to disenfranchise them — familiar images of alewives with their pointy hats and cauldrons, with grotesque deformations or overly sexualized spins — made their way all the way across the ocean to places like Salem, MA.

And independent women and black cats suffered the consequences.

In my experience, black cats signify very good luck! I have two of them: Beth March and Dobby, who started their lives as feral babies on the mean streets of New York and have grown into the most affectionate, gentle, trusting darlings I’ve ever known. For weeks — after my girlfriend and I trapped them, had them spayed/neutered, and brought them into our home to begin the process of socializing them — they wouldn’t let us touch them. They’d barely let us look at them. With time and gentleness and plenty of Gerber No. 2 chicken and gravy baby food, they finally learned to let us love them. It took five months before Dobby let me pick him up off the ground from a standing position, and six months before he actually decided he liked it.

Right this second I’m drinking a beer I brewed myself, while Dobby and Beth March sleep pressed against either side of me. Cotton Mather Cream Ale, is what I named it. Tagline: Ye monsters of the bubbling deep!

Also.Also.Also: Wizarding Schools, Chin Talk and Other Stories to Start Your Week

I rearranged my “office area” over the weekend, so now I’m facing the wall and my dry erase board instead of the rest of the living room (and my pretty shelf full of green plants that I love so much). In theory, this will force me to stay very much on task so that I’m driven to succeed and thus end my workday and stare at my shelf full of green plants on my own time. I did sneak Fiona Fern back over here, so I’m not totally devoid of green things. What do you think? Should I get a fake ficus for this empty corner or something? Does your desk face a wall or a window or an open room? What do you find is the most productive?

Anyway here are some links for your Monday! There’s so much good stuff in here, I hope you’ve got a few hours.

You Should Go or Do or Give

+ Help Casa Ruby Rebuild Their Center. Read more on Casa Ruby here: Casa Ruby is a Chosen Family for Trans People Who Need a Home.

+ Head on over to Joe’s Pub on February 7 to see Haviland Stillwell sing her face off for you!

+ Swagger Like Us, your queer hip-hop dance party, will be in Oakland on February 12 and you should probably definitely go to that if you can.

Queer as in F*ck You

+ Hood Femmes and Ratchet Feminism: On Amandla Stenberg, Representation and #BlackGirlMagic by Ashleigh Shackelford.

+ Call for submissions! Power & Magic: A Queer Witch Comics Anthology. This is for women of color only and looks rad as fuck.

+ Perhaps you’d like to take this survey titled Sexuality of Lesbians and Breast Cancer Survivors. As reader KatMeow points out below, you aren’t required to have been diagnosed with breast cancer in order to participate in this study, and you’ll get a coupon code for your troubles!

+ Iris Murdoch on the Fluidity of Gender and Sexuality: Her Intensely Beautiful Love Letters to Brigid Brophy on Brain Pickings.

+ Here’s Rory Midhani being the greatest: What Cis People Say to Trans People vs What We Hear.

Doll Parts

+ Dannielle Owens-Reid wrote this killer piece that you should read right now: It’s Time to Let Go of Your Abusive Mother.

There is no good reason to keep someone abusive in your life. If my mother were my partner, people would tell me to leave. If my mother were a friend, people would tell me to cut them out of my life. If my mother were my boss, people would tell me to quit or turn her in to HR. If my mother were an estranged uncle, people would tell me I didn’t have to answer texts, who cares. But for some reason, people (including members of my own family) have a hard time understanding when you need to let go of an abusive parent. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. More than okay, it’s necessary. It has greatly improved my quality of life to step back from my relationship with her as well as other relationships similar to it.

+ Mari Goldman is a 16-year-old black girl and Donald Trump is afraid of her.

+ Do You Ever Survive the Journey Whole? by Sonia Guiñansaca. That’ll split your heart wide open.

+ A Person Can’t Be “Diverse”: Why advocates are backing away from a theoretically helpful term that’s being misused in ways big and small.

There’s also a linguistic-logic problem here. If one black woman is a “diverse person,” is a group made up 100 percent of black women automatically a “diverse group”? By the more commonly understood use of the word, it’s not one.

How, then, to refer to people of color and women? How about … as “people of color and women”? If you’re talking about other categories—LGBT people, certain age cohorts, nationalities—name them. Or there are other terms that, while perhaps not super-catchy, can work. “Underrepresented populations” is one.

+ Zika Virus Isn’t the First Disease to Spark a Debate About Abortion by Jasmine Garsd.

+ Black and White Photos That Show the Disturbing Side of Being a Teenage Girl by Anastasiia Fedorova. Oh damn I love this so much.

+ This Latina Engineer Owns Her Feminism, One Mansplainer at a Time.

+ Coaching Vacancy: Women Need Not Apply by Lindsey DiArcangelo.

+ The Disabled Iraq Veteran Starring in a Military Zombie Film. Ahem:

Mary Dague lost both her arms in Iraq. Thanks to a million-dollar Indiegogo campaign, she’s now starring alongside other ex-soldiers in “Range 15,” a zombie movie that wants to show the funny side of being an army vet.

+ Obama Announces Executive Action to Crack Down on Companies That Pay Women Less Than Men, so we’ll see how that goes I guess.

+ Nobody Catcalls the Woman in the Wheelchair by Kayla Whaley.

+ Autostraddle is in some great company here, thanks Luna Luna! 8 Women-Run Magazines We Read Every Day

Saw This, Thought of You

+ US Should Pay Reparations to the African American Descendants of Slaves, UN Committee Says.

+ The First Fantastic Beasts Featurette Reveals a New Side to the World of Harry Potter:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrp9wVO_74U

+ Aaaaaand J.K. Rowling Reveals Four Wizarding Schools, Including One in the U.S.

+ Why So Many Rich Kids Come to Enjoy the Taste of Healthier Foods. Yep.

+ If You Go Near the Super Bowl, You Will Be Surveilled.

+ How Do Festival Apps Monitor Your Behavior? I still use the paper maps! :paper map dance:

+ Excuse me this has fucked with my mind greatly: The Countries Where People Are the Most Emotionally Complex by Julie Beck.

+ In this case, it wasn’t so much that I saw it and thought of you, but saw it and thought of me: Why Are Some People Habitually Late?

And Finally

Chin talk? Talk of chins.

Also.Also.Also: It’s True, Hermione Granger is Black and Other Stories to Make Your Day

The first thing you need to know today is that ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Child’ has cast a black Hermione (Noma Dumezweni!!) and we’re doing backflips and high kicks, along with JK Rowling, who tweeted “Canon: brown eyes, frizzy hair and very clever. White skin was never specified. Rowling loves black Hermione.” Aaaaaaaah! Cheers your butterbeers, babes.

!!!!

The second thing you need to know is that my stepdad can’t find any of their ornaments, so we just have this giant tree all lit up and one single Polar Express bell tied to it. Will we find the ornaments before Christmas? I’ll keep you posted.

Queer as in F*ck You

+ If You’re Gay and Looking for Love, These are the Best Cities to Live In according to Match.

Doll Parts

+ Pussy Riot to Open “Women Only” Museum in Montenegro. “Institution will be run by women, feature only art created by women.”

+ These Women Say They Were Kicked Out of Sports Because of Their Gender by Eve Simmons.

+ Growing Up as a Feminist in an Immigrant Family by TK Matunda.

+ Princess Leia’s Feminist Agenda: Yeah, She Had One by Suzi Parker.

Saw This, Thought of You

+ Still relevant! Franchesca Ramsey with Five Comebacks for Your Racist Relative During the Holidays.

+ Krista Burton is here with a life skill: How to Graciously Accept a Disappointing Present.

+ A Self-Care Guide to Counter Trump Fatigue by Zahra Noorbakhsh.

+ Drink Pairings for Uncomfortable Family Conversations from Winona Dimeo-Ediger.

+ From Bee Larvae to Toilet Rats, National Geographic’s Favorite Videos of 2015. Neat things to look at!

+ 9 Star Wars Vehicles from a Galaxy Not So Far, Far Away.

+ Something to talk about over holiday dinners, maybe: What’s Best, Worst and Most Weird About American Food.

+ At the Corner of the Real and Imagined: On Literary Geography by Rebecca Turkewitz.

+ New Violent Femmes album is coming. I feel a way about this. Like imagine a Lucky Charms cereal where the oat pieces are ☹ and the marshmallow charms are ❓, then pour a bowl of that for yourself, using wine instead of milk. I’m that bowl of Emoji Charms re: a new Violent Femmes album. I’m that way about several things, really.

A Muggle’s Quest For The Perfect Mug Of (Alcoholic) Butterbeer

There’s nothing like winter in New York City to make you want to pour hot alcohol down your throat. Last year, I experimented with a variety of spiced, mulled wines. This year, I’ve been dreaming of butterbeer. And I’m not interested in the kiddie theme park variety made of cream soda and syrup from a squeeze bottle; I want grown-ass woman butterbeer. (Note: I do recognize the irony of this statement, considering butterbeer comes from the world’s most popular young adult fiction series, but I stand by my desire.)

Since Dumbledore taught me that it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live, I’ve been working very hard to make my dream of hot, alcoholic butterbeer a reality. And I’ve been wildly successful! I have found the perfect butterbeer recipe. Now when I look in the Mirror of Erised, I just see myself holding socks.

Butterbeer ingredients.

Butterbeer Contenders

Although there are literally hundreds of butterbeer recipes out there, only a limited number meet the criteria I’m interested in: must be hot, must be alcoholic. With the aid of a simple summoning spell (Accio Google Search Engine!), I located eight very strong contenders. And then made all of them.

Here are my notes.

Left to right: 1. Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeer, 2. Old Fashioned Butterbeer, 3. Dairy-Free Butterbeer, 4. Butterscotch Butterbeer

1. Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeer – Hans Haupt

Ingredients: Guinness, butternut schnapps, gingerale, butter, egg yolk, honey, vanilla ice cream, cinnamon, nutmeg

Taste notes: Magical. Sweet but not too sweet, and I absolutely love the cold froth of the melting ice cream in contrast with the warm beverage.

2. Old Fashioned Butterbeer – Obedient Ingredients

Ingredients: Ale, butter, egg yolk, sugar, nutmeg

Taste notes: I can taste the beer in this one. It’s not bad, but recipe-wise, it seems so unnecessary to give measurements by weight. I’m not at Gringotts, measuring gold; I’m in my kitchen, measuring butter. Why can’t we just round that awkward 1 and 1/3 Tbsp butter up to 2 and call it a day?

3. Dairy-Free Butterbeer – Dairy Free Cooking

Ingredients: Dark beer, soy milk, soy margarine, egg yolk, sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger

Taste notes: Smooth — which it better be, because the recipe had me whisk it forever. Pretty great tasting, but not really what I imagined butterbeer tasting like. My roommate Taty thinks the flavor is similar to the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. They’re… not wrong.

4. Butterscotch Butterbeer – Pop Sugar

Ingredients: Pumpkin ale, butterscotch sauce

Taste notes: This one has kind of a sharp taste. The butterscotch flavor is strong, to the point of overwhelming everything else. Didn’t love it.

Left to right: 5. Bourbon Butterbeer, 6. Hard Apple Cider, 7. Three Part Butterbeer, 8. British Ale Butterbeer

5. Bourbon Butterbeer – Tablespoon

Ingredients: Ginger beer, bourbon, apple cider, butterscotch sauce, butter, vanilla

Taste notes: Really good, really alcoholic. Roommate Claudia’s comment: “Sweet baby Jesus, this is the best thing that has been inside me all day.” I would totally drink this drink again.

6. Hard Apple Cider Butterbeer – Food52

Ingredients: Hard apple cider, gingerale, butter, brown suger, heavy cream, sea salt, vanilla extract, whipped cream

Taste notes: Fine, but in comparison to the other recipes, nothing special. Very apple cider-y, like something you’d drink on a hay ride while attempting to chat up Fleur Delacour.

7. Three Part Butterbeer – The Roaming Kitchen

Ingredients: Ginger beer, dark rum, butter, heavy cream, sea salt, brown sugar, fresh ginger, vanilla extract, vanilla bean, fresh nutmeg

Incredible. This is definitely the best tasting recipe. However, the drink is so much work to make! And who has expensive vanilla beans lying around? I feel like that’s an unreasonable request.

8. British Ale Butterbeer – Food in Literature

Ingredients: British ale, butter, yolk, brown sugar, pumpkin pie spice

Taste notes: Sweet. Super creamy. Tastes like pumpkin pie, or maybe a chai latte. Comforting.

My roommates Claudia and Taty were kind enough to help me drink the massive amounts of butterbeer I produced during this quest. Aren’t they adorable?!

The Winner(s)

The best tasting brew was Cristina Sciarra’s three part butterbeer recipe at The Roaming Kitchen. If you’re a butterbeer perfectionist with the patience to gather all the ingredients and engage in a time consuming, multi-step process to create liquid heaven, this is your recipe! Go forth.

That said: runner-up Hans Haupt’s recipe for Madam Rosmerta’s butterbeer is almost as good as the three-parter, but there’s way less work involved. Like, okay: this butterbeer is the taste equivalent of sitting in front of a lit fireplace in the Gryffindor common room, sharing a blanket with Hermione and chatting about your favorite books. The other butterbeer is the same experience, but you can see Crookshanks out of the corner of your eye and it looks like he’s coming over to let you pet him. Does that make sense? Both are excellent options, and in either case, you will have a very enjoyable experience! One is just slightly better, and you might not even think so, depending on how you feel about cats. So due to my strong feelings about diminishing returns (and dismayed incredulity over the cost of vanilla beans), Madam Rosmerta’s butterbeer is what I’ll be adopting as my personal house recipe.

Third place goes to the Tablespoon’s bourbon butterbeer. This is the one you want to drink if you’re trying to get warm-and-fuzzy, fall-down, think-you’re-a-wizard drunk. No judgment. We’ve all been there. And truly, we are all winners when there is any variety of hot alcoholic butterbeer to be had.

Best Butterbeer Ever Recipe

adapted from Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeer on Hans Haupt

Ingredients

• 200 mL gingerale (I like Reed’s Premium Ginger Brew for its extra ginger-y kick)
• 100 mL Guinness
• 85 mL butterscotch schnapps
• 1 egg yolk
• 2 Tbsp honey
• 1 Tbsp butter
• 1 scoop vanilla ice cream
• a pinch of cinnamon
• a dash of nutmeg
• Optional: additional freshly grated nutmeg for garnish
• Optional: dark rum to taste
• Optional: homemade butterscotch sauce to coat the bottom of your mug

Instructions

1. Pour the gingerale and Guinness into a deep set pan over medium heat. While you’re waiting for it to boil, whisk the following ingredients together in a separate bowl: egg yolk, butterscotch schnapps, honey, cinnamon and nutmeg.
2. Constant vigilance! When the gingerale-Guinness mixture reaches a boil, immediately remove it from the heat.
3. Ladle a spoonful of the hot brew into your egg yolk mixture. Mix, then repeat several times. The objective here is to bring up the temperature of the mixture without cooking the eggs.
4. After five or six large spoonfuls, pour the egg mixture into the pan with gingerale and Guinness. Set the heat to low and let it simmer for five minutes.
5. Add butter and whisk. Once it’s melted and completely incorporated, turn off the heat. You can add dark rum to taste at this point, if you like your butterbeer on the boozier side.
6. Pour into a mug and serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. If you want to fancy it up, a spoonful of homemade butterscotch sauce on the bottom of your mug is a nice addition. Freshly grated nutmeg on top of the ice cream is also awesome, if you have it!

Cheers!

How To Harry Potter Your Technology: The Kit

Yesterday was Harry Potter’s birthday. I’m coming down to the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on Pottermore. As with the last book and the last movie, I feel like everything is ending forever all over again. And that’s even with Harry Potter and the Cursed Child announced, because likely I won’t get to see it as I don’t live in the U.K. Summer is on the downswing, school is approaching and it just, in general, feels like the magic is fading.

Which is why we’re going to add some magic back into our technology today.

The first step, obviously, is to get sorted at Pottermore because your decisions from here on out might rely on your house. I’m a person who thinks the only valid way to be sorted is Pottermore because it’s the only quiz with input from J.K. Rowling, who is clearly the authority. Regardless, though, I’ve always been a Ravenclaw—doesn’t matter the quiz, I’ve never not been a Ravenclaw. Even after all this time; always. Ravenclaw4ever.

Anyhow, once you’re sorted, here’s how to Harry Potter out your technology this weekend. Go forth!

Computer Decals

See, this is how you signal to cutie queers while you’re working across from them in coffee shops. Probably they also support S.P.E.W and have a lot to say about it.

All collages created with Fotor

A. Harry Potter Vinyl Mac Skin, $5.00.

B. SPEW Laptop Decal, $5.00.

C. Hedwig Laptop Decal, $11.00.

D. Weasley Is Our King Decal, $5.00.

Phone Cases

A. Free Elf Case, $25.00.

B. Advanced Potion Making Wallet/Phone Case, $29.00.

C. Ravenclaw Robes Case, $23.95 because RAVENCLAW4EVER.

D. Hogwarts Letter Case, $25.00.

E. Mischief Managed Case, $25.00. Should an iPhone case make me cry? This one made me cry.

This Wand With Which You Control Your Television

I got this for my future-father-in-law. No word on whether he likes it, but I can at least guarantee that it will show up to your house in one piece and look RAD. If you would like to use this gesture-based remote and be a badass movie-watching wizard, it’s $49.00.

Lego Harry Potter

This game is made for virtually every platform in existence. Specifically I’m talking iOS, OS X, Microsoft Windows, Nintendo DS, Wii, PlayStation 3, PlayStation Portable and Xbox 360 and…WHO SAID IT WAS MADE FOR CHILDREN. I don’t even care. This is the cutest. Prices vary by platform, it’s split into Years 1-4 and Years 5-7.

Literally Every Single Thing We’ve Written About Harry Potter

Or at least, everything I could find.

Dear Harry Potter, We Are Lesbians And We Love You by a number of us

Holigay Gift Guide 2014: Muggles Still Waiting On Their Hogwarts Acceptance Letters by Heather Hogan

Finite Incantatum: Harry Potter’s Spell Comes to an End and Everyone Is Talking About It by Laura Wooley

Playlist: Yer Listening to Wizard Rock, Harry by Forever Intern Grace

And this Harry Potter Appreciation Society on ASS, aptly nicknamed AutoPotter

Control Your Computer With Magic

And now the thing you’ve actually been reading for — how to control your computer with magic. Or, well, kinda close to magic.

Voice Command on Windows XP and Vista

I don’t have a Windows machine at my disposal to try this, but here’s a nifty walkthrough on how to program your computer to respond to certain spell words. This is totally customizable, but there are a few very clever recommendations: Lumos to brighten the screen, nox to dim it, etc. This person’s even made a “I solemnly swear I’m up to no good” function that opens the browser because this person is a whimsical genius.

ControlAir on Mac

This one is for the crowd who wants to go all Severus Snape non-verbal spells on us. Not without its bugs, but shows really great promise — ControlAir is a free app that lets you control iTunes, Spotify, rdio, even Vox using hand gestures. You can even mute your computer by making a hush motion with your finger in front of your mouth. What I hope will happen with this is it’ll become more accurate and be able to be used in Powerpoint/Keynote. Because that’d be rad.

Leap Motion on Mac, Windows, Linux and Virtual Reality

Now this piece of hardware looks pretty cool — and they have a stable of apps and games, from Sculpting to Robot Chess, to go with it. Much like the above software, the Leap Motion controller lets you control your computer with hand gestures. Unlike the app above, it actually does work fairly reliably. A bit pricey for the magic, though: Leap Motion Controller is $79.99, and the VR Mount is $19.99. You read that right — there’s even an option to mount the thing to the Oculus Rift and control shit WITH YOUR HANDS. Some day, I do want a Harry Potter game for the Rift where you can do shit WITH YOUR HANDS because OMG wouldn’t that be cool? I say this, of course, having just been made motion sick by a video of someone using the Rift with this piece of equipment, so maybe it wouldn’t be for me. But it would be awesome.

So what did I miss, my lovely witches and wizards? How do you Harry Potter your tech?

This has been the one-hundred-thirty-ninth installment of Queer Your Tech with Fun, Autostraddle’s nerdy tech column. Not everything we cover is queer per se, but we talk about customizing this awesome technology you’ve got. Having it our way, expressing our appy selves just like we do with our identities. Here we can talk about anything from app recommendations to choosing a wireless printer to websites you have to bookmark to any other fun shit we can do with technology. Header by Rory Midhani.

The Top 15 Witches According to My Bruja Heart

Witches are the absolute best. Witches have long symbolized the power of women, resistance against the patriarchy, female community and oneness with nature. This is especially true for outcasts and marginalized girls and women who often turn to witches to find a way to feel powerful against the forces that oppress them. I’m pretty sure that most of us who were weird kids grew up wanting to be witches; I know I did.

Basically, a lot of us here at Autostraddle are big fans of witches, and I’m one of the biggest. In fact, I love witches so much that I started a Femme Witch Coven, devote a huge portion of my aesthetic to brujas and even dressed as a witch to go to my friend’s wedding.

So, here’s a list of 15 witches that we love, ranked mostly in no particular order. There are so many freaking cool witches, I’m sure I left out a ton who deserve to be on the list. Who are some of your favorites?

1. Willow

I mean, obviously she’s gonna be on the list. She’s a queer witch from one of the biggest girl power shows of the 90s and someone that seems like an awesome nerdy best friend. We’ve written about our love for her plenty of times before, so of course she deserves the first spot on this list.

 2. Gloria from Orange is the New Black

With the help of her tía, she did side work as a curandera out of the back of her shop back before she was arrested. Now that she’s head of the kitchen, she’s able to use her skills and knowledge to make a candle that brings protection to Maritza’s baby and then later help Norma take down Vee with some eggs, spices, oil and dog hair.

via wikipedia

3. Baba Yaga

I remember as an elementary school child hearing funny little stories about her, and thinking that she was a goofy figure like The Easter Bunny. But when I did some other reading as an adult, she’s actually pretty badass and pretty scary. She lives in a house with chicken feet and flies around with a freaking giant mortar and pestle. She’s not just the matriarch of Eastern European witches, she’s the matriarch of half of Eastern European folklore.

William Porter trying (and failing) to burn the Bell Witch via tennessee.gov

 4. The Bell Witch

This was my favorite creepy real-life story to read about when I was in middle school. A 19th century Tennessee family is tormented by either a feminine spirit, a poltergeist or a witch named Kate Batts. Either way, a bunch of local legends and folklore and rumors got mixed up together to create one of the longest lasting stories about a haunting in America. Also, we wouldn’t have The Blair Witch Project, An American Haunting or a bunch of other witch and poltergeist movies if it wasn’t for the Bell Witch.

Willemijn Verkaik as Elphaba via Stage Door Dish

5. Elphaba

Definitely one of the most famous witches in pop culture, a lot of us loved her when she was just the Wicked Witch of the West, and then the rest fell in love after her starring turn in Wicked. She’s got the broom, the hat, the entire classic look. She’s got high aspirations, a great heart and she’s also a pretty dang good singer.

via becuo.com

6. Misty Day

I absolutely love American Horror Story: Coven (or at least I love a lot about it, I also have some serious issues), and Misty Day was maybe my favorite part. I mean, Lily Rabe is often my favorite part of American Horror Story, but when she played Swamp Witch Misty Day, she was amazing. So many of these characters were just plain terrible people, but Misty Day was able to rise above and be a beautiful soul despite all that she had to deal with. Poor, lovely swamp witch.

via thewitchesofmisspelled.tumblr.com

7. The Witches from MisSpelled

Have you caught this funny, creative and clever webseries yet? It’s about a group of five friends who are witches and it’s created by and starring a bunch of women of color. The dark comedy series deals with how these girls deal with their growing powers, their relationships and their lives. Any time you have a cast of five diverse women of color and a product that’s this high quality, you know you’ve got something special.

via tumblr

8. Nancy from The Craft

Who didn’t want to be Nancy? Who didn’t have a crush on Nancy? I mean, yeah, she was kind of a jerk, and in the end she didn’t exactly come out on top, but jeez, when she said “we are the weirdos mister,” I know I never wanted to be weird as much as I did right then.

art by Robert Hack

9. Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Of course a lot of us know her from her self-titled TV show starring the wonderful Melissa Joan Hart, but if you haven’t checked her out in the recent Afterlife With Archie comics or in the first issue of her own new Chilling Adventures of Sabrina comic, you really need to. This is some really messed up stuff, you guys. It’s like Lovecraft, old pre-Comics-Code EC Comics and The Omen had a really weird daughter. Sabrina is, as her title suggests, the ultimate Teenage Witch.

via mindilinder.com

10. Ursula the Sea Witch

It’s pretty hard to not root for Ursula when you watch The Little Mermaid. She’s a shapeshifter who chooses to be fat most of the time, she’s willing to help her niece reach her dreams and get a date, and she knows the importance of body language. I’m pretty sure she’s my favorite Disney villain.

via nerdbastards.com

11. Kiki

Kiki is the newly independent witch girl from Kiki’s Delivery Service who moves to a new town and flies around on her broom delivering things. I also considered giving this spot to The Witch of the Waste from Howl’s Moving Castle or Yubaba from Spirited Away, but I have a soft spot in my heart for Kiki. I think there’s something special about young witches, because they give young girls people to relate to who might be weird or different, but are also powerful and have a place in the world, and Kiki perfectly embodies that spirit.

Art by Alfred Fredericks from the 19th century book A Popular History of the United States

12. Tituba

The Salem Witch Trials are the most famous case of American Witchery, and Tituba was the beginning of all of it. She was a slave and the very first person accused of practicing witchcraft there and she apparently confessed to “signing the Devil’s book, flying in the air upon a pole, seeing a cats wolves, birds, and dogs, and pinching or choking some of the ‘afflicted’ girls.” But she must have had some pretty powerful magic behind her, as she wasn’t executed and was even released from prison after a short time, even after all of that. Right on.

via mtv.com

13. Hermione Granger

Come on, how could I not include Hermione? She got a whole new generation of girls interested in witches. She was also definitely the most capable student at Hogwarts during the time of the Harry Potter books, and if she had been “The Chosen One,” you can be sure the series would have been just one book. Also, remember that time when she punched Draco right in the face? That was awesome.

Witchy art by Ariel Ries

14. Prill from Witchy

The sleeper pick, Prill is from a somewhat new webcomic and isn’t even the main character, but gosh, she is glorious. I’ve talked before about how much I love Prill, not just because she’s a trans witch of color (although that definitely helps) but also because she’s a boss. She knows who she is and knows what she wants and she always speaks her mind and gets her way. Plus she’s one of the most stylish witches around.

via villains.wikia.com

15. The Sanderson Sisters

Finally, these three sisters from the Halloween classic Hocus Pocus have to be included on my list. Kathy Najimy, Sarah Jessica Parker and Bette Midler are absolutely delightful: funny, powerful and just the right amount of scary. Really, when you’re feeling witchy and watching a fun Halloween movie, does it get any better than when Winifred Sanderson sings “I Put a Spell On You”? I don’t think so.

Let’s Talk About Fictional Kickass Heroines: Katniss, Xena, Buffy and More

by vanessa, geneva, julia, and mey

Here at Autostraddle, we love kickass women. Who doesn’t like to see a girl kick some ass, both metaphorically and physically (but only to protect herself from harm and/or save the world and/or consensually with a trusted partner and a safe word)? Unfortunately for everyone, strong, confident, awesome female leads are few and far between in mainstream media, and when they do exist they’re often deeply flawed or oddly flat characters. Nonetheless, there are some really badass fictional ladies in this great big world, and we want to talk about them.

At camp, the four of us – Vanessa, Julia, Geneva and Mey – will be leading a discussion about female heroines who have positively impacted our brains and our worlds, and contrasting them with supposedly strong female leads who actually kind of miss the mark and make us wince (hi Bella, we’re looking directly at you). What role do these characters play in society’s view of women and girls? How do they positively or negatively shape girls’ own perceptions of themselves and their capabilities? How can we as a community work to create kickass women characters in our pop culture and how can we influence the mainstream media to follow our lead?

Much as we’d love to have that conversation here on the website, too, unfortunately it’s a bit difficult to host and participate in an open thread when you’re hanging out on a mountain top without any internet access. That said, we have a feeling you guys might have a few words to say about all this and we have total faith that you are all kickass humans in your own right who can totally handle this without our guidance, so we’re presenting a list of our favorite kickass fictional heroines as a way to jumpstart this feelingsfest and leaving the rest up to you!

This list is by no means all-inclusive, all-knowing, or even all accurate. If you completely disagree with our inclusion of a character, please (respectfully!) let us know. If you think we left someone out and are totally shocked and appalled that we’ve never read your favorite book / watched your favorite teevee show / viewed your grandma’s favorite home video starring YOU as a fictional heroine, go ahead and school us in the comments! And if you wanna profess your love for Buffy, once more with feeling, we wouldn’t blame you one bit.

SPOILER ALERT: We are about to talk about all of these characters as if you’ve read the whole book / seen the whole series / watched the whole movie / own all the comics in which they appear. If you have not in fact done that you may want to skim and skip accordingly. 

20 Kickass Girls in Books, Comics, TeeVee, Movies, and Pop Culture In General

Miss America Chavez

Young Avengers (Marvel Comics)

This interdimensional kicker of butt is one of only a handful of prominent Latina superheroes in all of mainstream comics. She’s invulnerable, she can fly with super speed, she can travel through different dimensions and she’s so strong that she can “throw tanks to the moon.” She’s able to fight Norse Gods to a standstill. She has one of the best costumes in the Marvel Universe and a cool, no nonsense attitude. Plus, she has two super-powered moms.

Hermione

Harry Potter

Without Hermione, Harry Potter would not have survived past book one and then it would have been a lot shorter. She is the brains of the operation without a doubt. She might even be the smartest kid at Hogwarts and intellect is sexy and powerful. She is also a mudblood so she faces a lot of adversity within the wizarding world, but she gains everybody’s respect because she really is better at this stuff than most of the kids born into wizarding families.

Kel

Protector of the Small

Kel is the first known female to sign up to become a knight. The boys pee on her door and trash her room. They put weights in her practice weapons and make her life a living hell, but Kel carries on with a calm face. She gets up before dawn everyday to do strengthening exercises so she can’t just compete with the boys, but so she is stronger than the boys. She takes in animals who are bound for the slaughter house and fights for those who cannot fight for themselves. She is a truly awesome role model for girls.

Kaisa

Ash

Julia is desperately waiting to be cast as Kaisa in the movie version of Ash, because she wants to be her so bad. Kaisa is the King’s Huntress, which is basically his right wing woman. She rides around the country keeping everything safe and leading the hunt. She has excellent archery and equestrian skills. Her position is one of power and respect. She is also super suave with the ladies.

Zoe

Firefly

A soldier, a wife, a friend, and a kickass independent woman of color, Zoe earns her spot on this list many times over. Over the short run of Firefly (RIP), we witness her show off some impressive fighting skills, and it often seems as though she’s the only member of the crew that Captain Mal Reynolds really trusts. Though it’s a little off-putting to hear Zoe call Mal “sir” so often and consistently, that does not stop her from giving her opinions (both to Mal and to her husband, pilot and crew member Wash), and she never misses an opportunity to make subtle “I told ya so” comments when Mal’s plans inevitably go awry. It’s also refreshing to see a married woman on television retain her independence; she may be a wife, but she still calls her own shots and her husband not only accepts that, it’s obvious he respects it. Solid healthy relationship modeling all around!

Karolina Dean and Xavin

Runaways (Marvel Comics)

Karolina is a glowing, flying teenage daughter of alien supervillains who’s the emotional center of her team. Xavin is her shapeshifting Super-Skrull fiancée who’s one of the few transgender characters in all of comics. Together they form one of the best queer couples in recent comics, showing not only that you can have three-dimensional queer characters, but also that gender isn’t a simple, straightforward binary. These two are able to not only overcome their supervillian legacies, but also the racism and homophobia that they face for being an interracial lesbian couple.

Katniss

The Hunger Games

When we meet Katniss she is a young woman with almost no support system who manages to look after both herself and her family with no complaints. That would be impressive enough, but when she’s thrust into the world of the Hunger Games (by bravely and selflessly volunteering as tribute to save her little sister) her character gains strength and independence that make her an unstoppable force. Throughout the series we see her attempt to discern right from wrong, decide who she can trust and who is lying, and her humanity is celebrated even when it is not immediately rewarded, providing nice depth in comparison to a robo-girl who just kicks butt and takes name. Katniss does all this while being human, and it’s inspiring.

Tara

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Tara is arguably one of the most underrated Scoobies of the gang. She’s shy when we first meet her, but over the course of her arc she proves herself to be a powerful witch with both natural and learned talents, she stands up to her father and rejects the preconceived notions her family has about what a woman must do and be, she supports and loves Willow but also refuses to be manipulated, and she is always willing to offer wise advice, sweet encouragement, and an extra brain when it comes time to research. Honestly the only critique we can think to lob at Tara is that she’s too perfect – for real, try to think of a single moment during her entire arc when she bothered you. You can’t use the time Joss made her and Willow wear weird princess dresses during the musical because that wasn’t her fault. See?! She’s perfect and kickass. Also also also: she’s a gay lady – we love gay ladies!

Xena

Xena: Warrior Princess

Xena was originally a character on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, but her spin-off show surpassed its dude-lead counterpart in both ratings and pop culture prominence. Xena is everything we could ask for – she’s confident, multifaceted, queer and can kick the asses of most gods. She has intense relationships with a whole bunch of female characters over the course of the show as friends, enemies, family and thinly-veiled lovers, flying in the face of the widely held belief that no one will watch a women-lead action show.

San

Princess Mononoke

San, in my opinion is without a doubt the most badass Disney Princess. She sucks a bullet straight from a giant wolf’s shoulder. She charges into battle armed with just a knife against people armed with guns and swords. She wasn’t just raised by wolves, she was raised by a Wolf Goddess. San is willing to do anything to protect her family and her home. She’ll fight tooth and nail for what she believes in, even if it means trying to single handedly stop a rampaging Boar Demon.

Brienne of Tarth

A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones

In a universe notorious for corruption, violence and greed, Brienne is the one true knight. She can’t technically become a knight because of the patriarchy, but she doesn’t care and earns a place in Renly’s Rainbow Guard anyways. She’s honourable, determined, street smart and doesn’t let men belittle her. Though her journey is closely intertwined with Jaime Lannister’s redemption arc, Brienne always has her own story and her own motivations. And she kicks his ass in a swordfight.

Echo

Dollhouse

This show starts slowly, but once Echo’s character arc kicks in midway through the first season a really cool feminist narrative unfolds. Echo is trapped in a child-like state, controlled by the staff of an underground company who program volunteers to become various fantasies of rich clients. In her supposedly blank state, Echo develops self-awareness and rebels against the company. When their technology gets in the wrong hands and turns Los Angeles into an apocalyptic nightmare, Echo leads a band of guerrilla warriors to save the world from itself. The show never shies away from dealing with the misogyny and consent issues inherent in its premise, and Echo, Sierra and Adele always find a way to upset the order of the institutions trying to control and exploit them.

Ginny

Harry Potter

Ginny is fierce. She is the youngest and only girl in a large family of boys and she is totally awesome because of it. She always steps in to be at the front of the battles, even when she is told she is too young she manages to sneak in to lend a hand. She is one of the bravest/strongest characters in the series. She handles the love stuff with Harry in a mature and responsible way, she is helpful and insightful, and she knows exactly how to use a wand.

Faith

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Faith does everything we wanted to do high school – she skips school, has sex whenever she wants and rocks snakeskin bell-bottoms. Though she was introduced strictly as a foil to Buffy, Faith’s journey from teen bad girl to supervillain to stoic hero is one of the stand-out arcs of the series. Whether she’s picking fights with cops, possessing Buffy’s body or leading an army of fellow Slayers into battle, we always understand Faith’s motivations. While Faith has to make amends for her mistakes over the course of her redemption arc, she never apologizes for who she is. Faith’s as outspoken, confident and kinky after her heel-face turn as she ever was while evil.

Nani

Lilo and Stitch

Nani holds it down. She’s recovering from the tragic loss of her parents, raising her little sister, and working full-time. Not only that, but she also has to deal with government agents and a whole mess of aliens trying to take away either her little sister or that sister’s pet and best friend. Nani is by far one of the best role models in any Disney film. She’s able to show the importance of family and love, and that when someone is a part of your family, you accept them for who they are and hold to them as tight as you can, no matter what.

Bo

Lost Girl

Bo is the big-hearted, brave lead of Lost Girl who loves breaking rules. She refuses to align herself to a side in the ongoing magical war, chooses humans as best friends and lovers despite cultural stigma and makes no apologies for being bisexual. Bo and her bestie Kenzi handle monsters-of-the-week, doomed romances and the trials of being young and broke through humor and self-reliance. When it’s revealed that Bo is the prophecized savior of her people, she begrudgingly accepts her duty without ever compromising her morals, attitude or sex life.

Willow

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

We had a hard time deciding whether or not to include Willow on this list because of that time she raped her girlfriend via magical mind-wiping, but the world is a complicated place and we think she still belongs here. Willow begins the show with little agency as the computer nerd everyone picks on at school with a hopeless crush on her best and only friend, but she soon proves herself critical to the Scoobies’ adventures thanks to her book smarts, loyalty, and growing magical prowess. In college, Willow forms more of an identity outside of the Scoobies, joining a Wicca group and beginning a secret relationship with another witch, and she asserts herself as much more than just Buffy’s sidekick. Though her buried self-hatred, need for control over her loved ones and arrogant overuse of magic eventually drive her to become evil and try to end the world, it’s hard not to cheer for her rises in confidence and power. Having Willow mess with the established order by magically imbuing thousands of potential Slayers with their superhero powers is a kickass final act for her story.

Kaede and Taisin

Huntress

We put these two together because they are both awesome heroines in their own right, but as a team they are unstoppable. Taisin has crazy magical sage powers and Kaede is fierce and kickass. They support each other through a journey to save the world. They share a unique mental bond, as well as having the complimentary skills to complete their mission, as well as fall deeply in love with one another.

Batwoman

The first lesbian superhero with her own comic book, Batwoman is just as tough and fierce as any of her male counterparts. After being kicked out of the military for refusing to lie about who she is back when DADT was still in effect, she decided to become a vigilante in the most dangerous city in the DC universe. She teams up with the likes of Wonder Woman, The Question, her fellow members of the Bat Family and even the Justice League of America. She flirts with the Police Women who pull her over and looks great in a tux. She may share a name with Batman, but she is no sidekick.

Buffy

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

For better or worse, women who kick ass on television will always be compared to Buffy Summers. Over seven seasons, Buffy takes on the patriarchy in many of its guises – she emancipates herself from the patronizing Watchers Council, fights demons posing as douchey frats guys and abusive boyfriends, slices a misogynistic preacher in half via crotch and always has a snappy retort and ass-kicking in store for vampires who underestimate her. The overarching theme of the loneliness Buffy faces as the only Slayer in the world comes to a satisfyingly feminist conclusion in the series finale when Buffy and Willow do a spell that shares Buffy’s power with thousands of girls around the world, creating a Slayer army.

My Top 8 Favorite Authors: Ali, Contributing Editor

In My Top 8, various members of Team Autostraddle tell you which writers made us who we are today and invite you to like all the same things we like. Today, Contributing Editor Ali waxes poetic on her affection for great authors like Shakespeare and J.K. Rowling.

via americanplacetheatre.org

Junot Dìaz

Books Read: Drown (1996), The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (2007)
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : This Is How Your Lose Her (2012)
Favorite: The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (2007)

Junot Dìaz is the reason I write fiction. Here’s why:

“You guys know about vampires?” Diaz asked.  “You know, vampires have no reflections in a mirror? There’s this idea that monsters don’t have reflections in a mirror.  And what I’ve always thought isn’t that monsters don’t have reflections in a mirror. It’s that if you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves. And growing up, I felt like a monster in some ways. I didn’t see myself reflected at all. I was like, “Yo, is something wrong with me? That the whole society seems to think that people like me don’t exist?” And part of what inspired me, was this deep desire that before I died, I would make a couple of mirrors. That I would make some mirrors so that kids like me might seem themselves reflected back and might not feel so monstrous for it.”

Junot Dìaz is the reason I write about queer people. I write queer protagonists, genderqueer protagonists, because I create mirrors for myself and for others like me. He’s also an inspiration to writers because his stories are uphill slogs for him. He is painstaking. And he gets that shit done. Start with the Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. He writes this book with footnotes that are hysterical and the story is in both Spanish and English.

via austinkleon.com

Alison Bechdel

Books Read: Fun Home (2006), Are You My Mother? (2012)
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : All of Dykes To Watch Out For (1986 to 2008)
Favorite: Fun Home (2006)

I don’t like her just because she’s gay, though it is nice to see a real-life mirror of our community. I like her for her structure. Both times I’ve read her books, her structure has felt so solid that I can’t imagine the story told any other way, in any other order. Her form and her plot also go hand-in-hand. I was just recently telling my girlfriend that I couldn’t picture Bechdel’s life story told as anything other than a graphic novel. I also love the way she weaves these epic themes and historical stories into her own memoirs, like Icarus into Fun Home and Virginia Woolf into Are You My Mother? When you’re examining a story for how specificity relates to universality, her stuff comes to mind for that reason– a grand myth intertwined with her family’s life. You can’t get more universal than Icarus and you can’t get more specific than the Bechdel family. Her story becomes universal in its specificity. And the illustrations are beautiful. Start with Fun Home and DO NOT READ ARE YOU MY MOTHER? UNTIL YOU’RE FINISHED WITH FUN HOME. Or I will come find you.

via guernicamag.com

Sherman Alexie

Books Read: The Absolutely True Story of a Part Time Indian (2007), The Lone Ranger And Tonto Fist Fight In Heaven (1993), the Smoke Signals Screenplay (1993), assorted short stories and poems because Sherman Alexie is EVERYWHERE.
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : y’all, there are way too many to list here.
Favorite: The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven (1993)

Sherman Alexie is another reason I hold the views I do about writing characters that specifically share my identity. He is the embodiment, to me, of being universal through being specific. And he writes very specifically about a culture of which I am undereducated, so his topics fascinate me. He’s also got some beautiful language and some characters that are very positive in the face of being shat on. And also, this is how he speaks to other writers:

via marveloustales.wordpress.com

Tamora Pierce

Books Read: Alanna: The First Adventure (1983), In The Hand of the Goddess (1984), The Woman Who Rides Like a Man (1986), Lioness Rampant (1988), Wild Magic (1992), Wolf Speaker (1994), Emperor Mage (1995), In The Realms of the Gods (1996), First Test (1999), Page (2000), Squire (2001), Lady Knight (2002), Trickster’s Choice (2003), Trickster’s Queen (2004), Terrier (2006), Bloodhound (2009), Mastiff (2011), Sandry’s Book (1997), Tris’s Book (1998), Daja’s Book (1998), Briar’s Book (1999), Magic Steps (2000), Street Magic (2001), Cold Fire (2002), Shatterglass (2003), The Will of the Empress (2005), Melting Stones (2007).
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : Battle Magic (2013).
Favorite: Squire.

Tamora Pierce is a YA author, has been my favorite author since middle school, helped me survive my awkward childhood and taught me how to be a strong woman. Her female characters are wonderful, well-rounded people. People who want to be knights, who won’t accept the conventions that society throws at them, people who are confident, important, have flaws, have jealousies and joys. And I am a grown-ass woman and I will still buy and read everything this woman ever writes. Her books are my stress ball– if I feel out of control or shitty in any way, I re-read them. Perhaps I should have listed her at the top, because I have read more Tamora Pierce than anyone else. She had a real formative influence on who I am as a human, on my vocabulary as a child, on my feminism. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Pick up a Tamora Pierce book. Start at the beginning, with Alanna: The First Adventure. Work your way through from there, in order. You’ll fall in love.

via democraticunderground.com

William Shakespeare

Books Read: The Tempest , A Midsummer Night’s Dream , Much Ado About Nothing , Taming of the Shrew , Twelfth Night , Hamlet, Julius Caesar, King Lear, Macbeth, Othello, Romeo and Juliet, and assorted sonnets. (First Folio 1623)
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : All’s Well That Ends Well , As You Like It , The Comedy of Errors , Cymbeline , Love’s Labours Lost , Measure For Measure , The Merry Wives of Windsor , The Merchant of Venice , Pericles, Troilus and Cressida , Two Gentlemen of Verona , Winter’s Tale , all the Histories, Antony and Cleopatra , Coriolanus , Timon of Athens , Titus Andronicus , other assorted sonnets. (First Folio 1623)
Favorite: The Tempest

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on

And our little life is rounded with a sleep.”

Act IV, The Tempest.

You cannot beat the language in Shakespeare. It is not possible. I used to be an actor. I’ve played a few roles, I’ve subbed in for assistant director in a bilingual version of Romeo and Juliet. I want to direct/produce The Tempest someday if anyone will give me the money to do it. I have been obsessed with Shakespeare since high school. I can’t even think of what to write about him and his work right now because my heart is beating so fast because Shakespeare. When I was in Stratford-Upon-Avon, I bought a huge green and gold-gilded complete works and transported that million pound wonder book back to the states, such is the love I feel for this work. I even named my cat after the fairy in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Puck.

In fact, if you’d like to make the worthwhile investment in your brain and life by getting into Shakespeare, begin with A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I find that this is one will really ease you into the style and vocabulary. It’s fairly simple to understand. And don’t shy away from it because you think it’s hard or because you hated it in high school– Shakespeare is not actually meant to be read, though I do it all the time. It’s meant to be watched. To dip your toe into these stories, you may want to see a production. Then grab the book. Don’t worry about “the story being ruined” because you’ll get something new out of each play every time. I’m on my fifth or sixth read of the Tempest and I’ve definitely done Hamlet at least three times.

David Sedaris

Books Read: Holidays on Ice (1998), Me Talk Pretty One Day (2000), When You Are Engulfed in Flames (2008)
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : Barrel Fever (1994), Naked (1997), Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (2004), Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary (2010)
Favorite: When You Are Engulfed in Flames (2008)

The thing I love about David Sedaris is he can make a story, and a good story too, out of anything at all. I always marvel at how so many interesting things can happen to one person, like moving to France or living in Japan for a while. And then I remember that some of his essays are about a bad babysitter he had, or the house he lived in right after college. Experiences we’ve all had, things we could all talk about. Basically, Sedaris is my reminder to continue on when I think I don’t have any stories. I close my eyes and recall my life and it turns out I do have things to say. Sedaris is also a) gay and b) hysterical. Begin anywhere you want, really, because these aren’t essays that have to go in order. But make sure you read the closing essay in When You Are Engulfed in Flames, entitled The Smoking Section. It’s about Sedaris attempting to quit smoking by moving to Japan and taking Japanese for a little while. It’s basically the best thing ever.

Walter Moers

Books Read: The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear (1999)
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : The City of Dreaming Books (2004), Rumo & His Miraculous Adventures (2003), A Wild Night Through the Night (2001), The Alchemaster’s Apprentice (2009), the Labyrinth of Dreaming Books (2012). All the books in German because I don’t speak German and probably never will.
Favorite: The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear (1999)

Yes, it is strange that I have only read one book by this man and I consider him one of my favorite. Walter Moers is a wonderful writer, but the fact that he is on my list has more to do with what he represents for me.

I lived in Paris during 2009 for school, and I lived with one of my best friends in the entire world. We decided we were going to spend a pretty penny that spring and take The Most Epic Spring Vacation Ever. So we took a train trip from Paris to Munich, then to Vienna, then to Prague. I finished reading the material I had brought and we had quite a long train ride from Prague back to Paris, so I ran into the bookstore at the train station and picked out the first thing that looked interesting. That thing was The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear.

Now I’m not sure you know how I feel about traveling. My heart rises to the surface of my chest when I think about it, especially traveling on trains. I love sitting and reading, sipping tea in the dining car and tipping my eyes over the top of my book to watch the world transform before (The Czech Republic looks like West Virginia.) And guys. The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear is HUGE. There was no way I’d run out of pages to read. And we both read and watched and wrote and slept in our sleeping car and met this great girl from Canada and finally we were back in Paris. But I wasn’t done with the book. Because HUGE.

So I spent the next few weeks sipping wine and coffee at various cafés as it began to get warmer, reading this book and watching the people transform before into the crazy images that existed in Moers’s world of Zamonia. His book is so imaginative and contains nothing of what could be in the real world, and yet they make perfect sense. It’s how I feel about travel. Everything is so different and everything clicks into place. The illustrations are also beautiful.

via the Washington Post

j.k. Rowling

Books Read: All the Harry Potter everything ever (1997 to 2007). And The Casual Vacancy (2012)
Books I Haven’t Read Yet : I have read every single thing with Rowling’s name on it.
Favorite: Harry Potter And the Goblet of Fire (2000).

I grew up with Harry Potter. The very same friend that lived with me in Paris also gave me Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone for my eleventh birthday. I was eleven and so was Mr. Potter– I so badly wanted my letter to come, but even when it didn’t I felt a connection with Harry. Before receiving this book, I wasn’t a big reader, at least not by myself (I loved when my mom read to me because she did all the voices for everything.) But I stayed up for three nights in a row with my flashlight reading because I couldn’t stop and they inexplicably wouldn’t let me read this through fifth grade math, to which I still say WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, THIS IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN FIFTH GRADE MATH. After that, I became obsessed. And I remained obsessed with reading. I remain obsessed with reading.

My favorite is the Goblet of Fire because this is where the series took a turn for the dark. This is where the deaths started. And I felt like Rowling was giving us a little nudge. Telling us it was time to grow up, just a bit. Letting us know that the world didn’t always have happy endings, not for every character. Not for every person. But that it was still important to do the right thing. Even when it’s hard. Even when the stakes are high and the cost could be more than you were ever willing to give. J.K. Rowling taught me morals. She helped me grow up. And she taught me that books contained the keys to the kingdom, the lessons for life, and my truest love.

The MTV Movie Awards Liveblog and Harry Potter/Hunger Games/KStew Feelings Marathon

Hey you Straddlers, it’s the MTV Movie Awards! The place where Oscar-winning movies lose year after year after year to Twilight. Is it just me or did I just liveblog these five seconds ago? Nope, that’s just an emotional conflation of liveblogging the 2011 VMAs and recapping the 2011 Teen Choice Awards. Regardless they’re here again, hosted by Russell Brand, and bound to illuminate nothing about movies and everything about the falling standards of young people in America. I’m honestly deeply emotionally conflicted about whether I’m rooting for Harry Potter or the Hunger Games. It’s like choosing between your first love and your current love; they’re both so meaningful, how do you even compare them?

IF ONLY SHE WERE RIDING A HIPPOGRIFF (VIA MTV.COM)

There are a lot of nominees but writing them all out seemed like a waste of everyone’s time, so I made this handy graphic from MTV’s full list of nominees.

OH GOD THE HUNGER GAMES AND HARRY POTTER ARE IN SO MANY OF THE SAME CATAGORIES

Tonight I’m gathering with a bunch of queermos to watch/drool over the inevitable KStewpalooza, and plan to steal the snarky comments my friends make and claim them as my own here for your reading pleasure! I prepared for this epic night by quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, signing a lease in my new apartment and forgetting to cancel my gym membership. So you know this is going to be good.

Meet me back here at 9pm EST and we’ll all get through this together. Don’t forget to tweet me all of your Harry Potter/Hunger Games/KStew feelings @Ohheyitslizz!

8:50pm: I showed up early for pre-show glamour and Punk’d is on?! Where is the red carpet respect?!

8:55pm: I couldn’t be more excited about this preview for The Perks of Being a Wallflower if I read an instruction manual on how to be excited. I’m calling it, this might be the best part of the night.

9:00pm: OMG it’s happening!! Starring FUN. I love this song. Because tonight I am young. Actually technically.

9:01pm: Wait. Are the guys from FUN. wearing capri pants? I can’t support this decision.

9:03pm: I love Janelle Monae in a tux and that chorus of women in bow ties. Sigh.

CAN WE BE IN LOVE FOREVER?

9:08pm: Something about the timbre of Russell Brand’s voice makes everything he says sound the same.

9:12pm: I’m bored. This is boring. Will someone make me a cocktail?

9:14pm: Look how uncomfortable Mila Kunis looks next to how drunk Marky Mark is.

I don’t care about this. I forgot to see the movie. I need another cocktail for this.

9:20pm: I just saw a preview for the new movie “Ted” about Mila Kunis and Marky Mark and a magically alive teddy bear. I thought it was an MTV spoof. But no. This is really happening.

9:20pm: Russell Brand is not funny.

9:24pm: I support the existence of the new Spiderman movie. Emma Stone just said YOLO. YOLOOOO

THIS GUY IS YOUR NEW SPIDERMAN

I don’t know who she is but she’s kind of adorable. I like her the most out of everyone so far. Everyone ever.

9:30pm: Emma Watson can do no wrong. I give her permission to do anything.

DEAR EMMA WATSON, PICK ME. LOVE ME. CHOOSE ME.

9:32pm: Oh G-d. Best Male Performance. This is our first Harry Potter Hunger Games stand off. I don’t know who to root for. JK this time it’s Harry Potter.

Okay, mixed feelings. On the one hand I want to support Josh Hutcherson because he really loves gay people. On the other hand, I wanted Daniel Radcliffe because of the Harry Potter. On the other other hand, I wanted KStew dressed in menswear to win this category. So.

9:40pm: First KStew sighting for the announcement of Best Female Performance!

THIS IS ACTUALLY PART OF KSTEW'S ROBOT PURIM COSTUME

Why do I feel like we won a thing?! We won a thing!! Too bad Jen didn’t show up to receive. Somehow that makes her even cooler.

JLaw [looking at the golden popcorn]: I can’t eat this.

VIA ZOMBIELOVER.TUMBLR.COM

9:43pm: Who let Charlie Sheen on stage? I’m palpitating.

9:44pm: So I guess this is some sort of clip show of party movies? What I’ve gleaned is that cult classic comedies have to star men. All men all the time. Only men are funny. Only.

9:47pm: Can I be honest about how I don’t know who this musical artist is, but am I crazy or is Joan Jett on his shirt?

9:50pm: Liveblogging MTV award shows is really easy since the show is 90% commercials.

9:55pm: Leighton Meester is presenting best kiss. I think the real question is why isn’t she nominated for any kiss ever?

YOU COULD TOTALLY GET MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND GAY MARRIED ON THE BEACH IN THIS OUTFIT

Also if Hermione/Ron don’t win this shit is rigged.

Boooo. But wait. Who is that white T-shirt lezzie looking girl KStew is sitting with? And no RPat? Okay for those of you playing at home who can’t see this, KStew just tried to get someone, anyone to come on stage and kiss her. Including but not limited to super homoerotic call out to Charlize Theron. KStew, why didn’t you just call up the hot chick you were sitting with?!

KStew: Huntsman? Huntsman?

10:04pm: Awesome. Two old men to present an achievement award (“The Generation Award”) to Johnny Depp. I totally appreciate and love Johnny Depp but there hasn’t been a single gay on stage yet. Didn’t the producers of this see the Emmys? Gay sells people.

Also this is tragically boring.

10:08pm: So Johnny Depp is playing the guitar with the Black Keys. Reactions from around the room:

My Friend: Johnny Depp was cool, he just got so much cooler
Me: Are you kidding? He’s playing guitar at the MTV Movie awards. He just got 100% lamer.
My Friend: Well… he’s only lamer if he tries to launch a full music career after this.

10:12pm: Sometimes I feel like Johnny Depp speaks with a pseudo fake british accent.

10:20pm: Joel McHale is so fucking hilarious. Also a fake archery instructor is a stupidly funny concept. That was the funniest thing of the evening. That’s really unfortunate. Why is Community being canceled? Whyyyy?

10:23pm: Wow totally real fight scene between Charlize Theron and some guy.

Friend A: Wow great fight scene.
Friend B: Oh. Get ’em girl
Friend C: Huntsman? Huntsman?

There is not enough booze in the world to make me care about this category.

VIA PSYCHO-PENGUIN.TUMBLR.COM

This is correct! Go team! Only Emma Watson bothered to show up! Womp Womp. Just in case anyone is curious, she goes to Brown where I am going in the fall. I think we all know what’s going to happen when we meet. Love forever. That’s what.

10:34pm: Awesome more white guys presenting awards. And making illiteracy jokes.

10:36pm: Am I supposed to know who Big Dick Richy is? Is this a thing?

I love Elizabeth Banks. We have the same name. Also her outfit looks like what a spider wears after it gets magically turned in to a woman.

SPIDERWOMAN

10:40pm: So Emma Stone is getting The Trailblazer Award? I think it’s a joke but I also don’t understand if maybe this is a joke. I do love a good montage though.

My Friend: Wait. Oh. For that whole time I thought they were talking about Emma Watson.

10:44pm: Okay even post-acceptance speech I have no clue what this award is for. Is this because of The Help? Is this because of Spiderman? Does Emma Stone go around the country giving emotionally inspiring speeches to high school students?

10:47pm: Okay so a preview for Channing Tatum’s new movie where he plays a male stripper just came on and now I understand that man-stripper joke before. Sorry guys, I’m just trying to stay on top of everything.

10:49pm: Joseph Gordon Levitt dresses the way I wish all hot butch chicks dressed. All of them. Love his red watch.

10:50pm: Seriously though, I don’t think I can move on from Joseph Gordon Levitt’s outfit. That’s what everyone should wear to weddings this summer.

10:52pm: Yeah I’m still not over it. With the red button? With the corresponding but not too matchy tie? This is a win guys.

10:53pm: I was so distracted by Joseph Gordon Levitt’s outfit that I forgot to point out how fucking weird this whole Batman END OF THE STORY worship thing is. I mean, it’s Batman not Harry Potter — it doesn’t actually ever end.

I mean, I’m not arguing with exclusive footage, I just didn’t realize this movie series was such a bit deal. I mean I love these movies but I’m a giant nerd-face.

11:00pm: Okay we’ve finally reached best movie. Thank G-d.

11:02pm: Finally! A gay on stage! Jodie Foster! Her jacket looks like a futuristic motocross situation?

Oh wow. That’s a fucking shocker.

11:05pm: MTV should go back to the days when they used to stage controversies. It was actually somehow more entertaining.

Playlist: Yer Listening to Wizard Rock, Harry

There comes a time in every young nerd’s life when a necessary question must be addressed: How far down the dorky rabbit hole am I going to descend? Past reading the books, past cosplay, past slash fiction, in the dark depths of fandom lies a genre of music dubbed wizard rock (“wrock”), which is basically Harry Potter-themed music. If nerds were Hunger Game contestants, the people who listen to wizard rock would be the Careers, and I would be at least Foxface for than analogy.

The biggest issue with wrock is that anyone can write and perform it, so a lot of wizard rock is so terrible that it verges on unlistenable. Don’t worry, though; this is a playlist of good wrock songs, compiled by me, (mostly) Madi, and Carolyn!

Yer Listening to Wizard Rock, Harry [on 8tracks]

A Pensieve Full of Unrequited Love – The Mudbloods
The Bravest Man I Ever Knew – Ministry of Magic
This Isn’t Hogwarts – Hank Green
Prefects Are Hot – The Moaning Myrtles
Room of Requirement – The Remus Lupins
Red Hair – The Weasel King
Draco and Harry – The Whomping Willows
Hufflepuffs Make Better Lovers – Hoss Jaeger (This one is relevant to your queer interests.)
Open At The Close – Oliver Boyd And The Remembralls
My Dad is Rich – Draco and the Malfoys
I Am A Wizard – Harry and the Potters
The Boy Who Lived – Oliver Boyd And The Remembralls
Burn Your Prefect Badge – The Remus Lupins
Save Ginny Weasley – Harry and the Potters
Expecto Patronum – Remus and the Lupins
I Believe In Nargles – The Whomping Willows
Do The Hippogriff – The Weird Sisters
Mysterious Ticking Noise – Potter Puppet Pals
Goin’ Back To Hogwarts – A Very Potter Musical

Yer A Wrocker, Harry from Autostraddle on 8tracks.

Add your favorite wizard-y tracks in the comments below! I would also like to post this song for your consideration, because I know it doesn’t count, but I really want it to.

Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit Crystal up on Formspring and someone on the team will make it for you.

J.K. Rowling Is Writing A New Book, Try Not To Pee Your Pants

Intern Grace’s Team Pick:

J.K Rowling, the writing goddess who bequeathed the Harry Potter series on mankind, is writing a new, not-Harry Potter book. Give yourself a moment to make sure you’re still breathing. Are you good? Ok.

Her people announced this morning that Rowling has a deal for new book that’s going to be for an adult audience, and that’s basically all anyone is saying. Her website is apparently under construction until spring, but it has been updated with little tiny crumbs of information, like “further details will be announced later in the year,” which will be like, December if the timing of the Pottermore release was any indication.

Also this picture was posted:

I hope this is the actual name.

So descriptive!

There’s also a note from the author, which mysteriously says, “While I have loved writing it just as much, my next book will be very different from the Harry Potter series,” which either means it’s a Hermione/Ginny fanfic or a murder mystery where the reader has to figure out what the book is about before their favorite author kills off more beloved characters.

OK TELL ME YOUR FEELINGS.

Banned Books Week: The Conspiracy to Shield Queer Books From Your Eyes

Feature image via thewheelercentre.com

In the fourth grade, my elementary school become one of the numerous schools around the United States that removed the Harry Potter books from the school’s library. It started when my teacher began reading the first book to the class, and one girl complained that her parents didn’t want her to read it, so the teacher had to put it aside. Fair enough… except that her parents didn’t stop there. Instead they rounded up a group of like-minded parents and complained that the books were so abhorrent they needed to be removed from the school library so that no kid could read it. Even though most parents did not share their opinion, they were loud enough that the school caved, and while the book remained in the library for some reason, we were not allowed to check it out. It seemed so strange to me — that somebody else’s parents, people whose values my parents did not share in the slightest (in fact, my parents found their values completely abhorrent), got to make the choice about what I could and could not read.

Of course, it didn’t matter to most of the kids at my school, whose parents bought them the books anyway. They knew better than to think a book about a fictional wizarding school would lead to kiddie covens, and actually appreciated the way they got previously-disinterested kids reading. But for kids in a household with no books, or no extra money to spend on them, the absence of a book from the library or curriculum means that they might never get to experience that book at all. And that’s unfortunate enough when it’s just a matter of kids being denied the exhilarating experience of reading great works of literature. (The American Library Association’s list of the most frequently-challenged books of the past decade includes almost all of the books that I adored as a teenager.) But when it’s a kid who needs answers about his/her sexuality, or to know that they’re not alone, a school library is an essential resource.

Unfortunately, some of the most challenged books of the past few years have been about LGBT issues. Two of the books on the ALA’s top 10 most-challenged list for 2010, And Tango Makes Three (an adorable picture book about gay penguins) and Revolutionary Voices: A Multicultural Queer Youth Anthology, had “homosexuality” cited as a reason for the parents’ objections. The Advocate has their own list of frequently-challenged gay books for Banned Books Week, including Tango along with two other picture books — King and King and the iconic Heather Has Two Mommies, the first lesbian-themed children’s book — among others. The books of YA  author Francesca Lia Block, who frequently addresses gay and trans* themes, have also been challenged in Florida and Arkansas.

via Gothamist.com

In a way, anyone who is familiar with the history of book-banning would not be surprised that parents are up in arms about books that are pro-gay. A quick glance at any of these lists would show you that even 100% heterosexual sex scenes in books can get them challenged, especially if they’re aimed at teenagers, and even if they’re far from titillating. In fact, pretty much every “controversial” topic — from drugs to divorce, religion to politics — is reflected on the list of books that have been challenged in schools. (For example, lest you think that book-banning only comes from those on the right, books like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and To Kill a Mockingbird are frequently challenged due to their use of racist language.) Indeed, one argument against censors is that if all of them had their way, there would be hardly anything left — or at least, hardly anything interesting.

The sad side of it is that for every parent who insists that books about drugs, violence or sex are inappropriate for schools, there are many more kids who need those books because those “hot-button issues” are more than issues to them — they’re daily realities. And for LGBT kids awash in a sea of hate at home, in church, at school and even online, libraries are often the one place where they can discover themselves judgment-free. No one but the librarian behind the desk has to know what you’re checking out — and that’s assuming you decide to check it out, anyway. In the fight against anti-gay harassment in schools, we can’t just focus on the bullies in the halls and the cafeteria — but also the adult bullies who want to deny LGBT kids the information that might save their lives.

via American Library Association

At the end of the day, it shouldn’t matter why a book is being banned or what benefit (or lack thereof) might come from reading it. I despise the Twilight books, I think they send a terrible message to young girls, and I’m still dismayed to see that people are trying to get them removed from schools. I still think students should have the right to decide for themselves whether those books — or any books — are worth reading. In my opinion, if you can’t handle different points of view, it shows that you aren’t that secure in your own beliefs – if you were, you’d think they could withstand criticism. It also shows a real lack of respect for — or misunderstanding of — freedom of speech and the press. To quote Noam Chomsky:

If you believe in freedom of speech, you believe in freedom of speech for views you don’t like. Goebbels was in favor of freedom of speech for views he liked. So was Stalin. If you’re in favor of freedom of speech, that means you’re in favor of freedom of speech precisely for views you despise.

Chomsky isn’t the only author who has spoken out against censorship. Judy Blume has been an anti-censorship activist ever since her books were first challenged in the 1970s, and she has a great deal of information on her website, including how you can respond to censorship in your community. She also compiled an anthology of works by censored children’s and YA authors, called Places I Never Meant to Be; proceeds from the book help the National Coalition Against Censorship. (If you can’t get the book, at least check out her great introduction to it online.) Also, John Green of the popular YouTube show Vlogbrothers recorded this video when his book, Looking for Alaska, was challenged in a high school in New York State:

But perhaps my favorite quote on the subject is courtesy of my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, another common target of censors. He had this to say about them:

Here is how I propose to end book-banning in this country once and for all: Every candidate for school committee should be hooked up to a lie detector and asked this question: “Have you read a book from start to finish since high school?” or “Did you even read a book from start to finish in high school?” If the truthful answer is “No,” then the candidate should be told politely that he cannot get on the school committee and blow off his big bazoo about how books make children crazy.

If you’re looking for ways to take the fight for freedom to read into your own hands, the National Coalition Against Censorship has a list of things you can do to fight censorship. Of course, the place to start is by reading the banned books yourself. In addition to the aforementioned lists, check out the ALA’s Banned and/or Challenged Books from the Radcliffe Publishing Course Top 100 Novels of the 20th Century (which also details international challenges and bans) as well as the full map of challenges in the U.S. from the Banned Books Week website. You can upload a video of yourself reading your favorite banned book for this week’s Virtual Read-Out, and have it featured on the Banned Books Week YouTube channel.

What have you done to celebrate Banned Books Week? What does it mean to you?

2011 Teen Choice Awards Prove Teens Will Sometimes Choose Gays, Often Choose Bieber

Welcome to the Teen Choice Awards! The only awards show where most of the awards are casually mentioned instead of announced formally, will.i.am is the show DJ and the camera exclusively pans to Selena Gomez sitting with Justin Bieber.

THIS IS GOOD PR FOR GAY RIGHTS

I’m here to talk about them because… um… I was watching them anyways. Penny from Big Bang Theory (Kaley Cuoco) hosted, which was awesome for me because I’m a giant nerd and Big Bang Theory is my fourth favorite show.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA PLAY PING PONG ON NETWORK TV FOR NO REASON

The Teen Choice Awards are pretty long, but I’ll do my best to cover the gay/funny/awesome parts. This article is a little random and fragmented, but that’s okay because the Teen Choice Awards are a little random and fragmented. That’s probably because there are like 82 awards and they only announce 10 seemingly random ones.

First up, Ashton Kutcher accepted his award for Actor in a Romantic Comedy for No Strings Attached dressed like Sam Ronson.

Choice Comedian went to Ellen, which is a Big Fucking Deal because as it turns out, some women are really funny. A fact everyone seems to forget. Well, apparently Ellen is funnier than Daniel Tosh. Also, she dressed Exactly Like the Biebster. Twins.

I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP IF I TRIED

At some point you have to start wondering if Bieber is doing this intentionally. Also, his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, performed with her band, “The Scene.” We have a Scene too. I wonder if it’s the same one…

SPIDER-WOMAN

I’m just going to show you the notes I took while her performance was going on:

Yo. I love Selena’s veil. Just like Hanna’s on PLL. I’ve never heard this song before. She has her own latin danc OMG JUSTIN BIEBER DANCES LIKE A LESBIAN.

http://youtu.be/McWe60MoPYo

It could also be that this is just how all Canadians dance.

Moving along, Ed Helms won Choice Hissy Fit in a movie. He thanked all the teens for buying tickets to Kung-Foo Panda and sneaking in to The Hangover Part II. It was pretty much the funniest joke of the night. I feel like he’s dressed in really cute lesbian workwear.

I need to stop saying that. Obviously, I think only people who wear sweaters over button-ups are lesbians. Like this guy from Twilight who won Movie Scene Stealer.

SWEATERS OVER BUTTON UPS ARE A THING

Guess who won for Choice TV Comedy: GLEEEEEE. Rachel wasn’t there, probably because she found out her spin-off shelved and was home crying about it (like me). Also our favorite male identified lesbian won for Choice Actor in a Comedy. Darren Criss also won for breakout star! Gay wins! Darren is shorter than I thought he would be. That’s okay. Everyone needs to look at Artie’s outfit right now.

WHERE IS KURT?! GIVE ME KURT!

Then they showed an ad– I mean a Sneak Peek– of the new Glee 3D movie. Heather Morris says in it that she would shave her head to be a Warbler. Win.

Taylor Swift won the TCA‘s version of a lifetime achievement award– THE ULTIMATE CHOICE AWARD. Emma Stone presented it. Emma Stone is so hot I can’t even handle it. She and Taylor both wore white because white is so hot this season/they wanted to show us what their lesbian wedding would be like. Does Taylor Swift remind anyone else of Jessica from True Blood?

HERE COME THE BRIDES

In other news, Demi Lovato is back on top. Basically she won an award for inspiring young girls by joining the Love is Louder Than the Pressure to Be Perfect Campaign and through her song, “Skyscraper.” The presenters even openly said she sought help for depression and an eating disorder this past year. Usually people use euphemisms like “tough times” and “poor self-image.” I think the Teen Choice Awards decision to be honest and upfront about serious issues that affect tons of women is commendable.

SHE'S HUNCHED OVER BECAUSE THE MIC IS SET FOR SUNNI FROM GLEE

I don’t know if it’s the lighting, but she looks like she’s glowing to me.

To follow, Tyra Banks reminded us that the winner of America’s Next Top Model is Tyra Banks by talking about what a hard year Demi must have had and by repeating her message about loving yourself. Guys, Tyra can see your beauty. Don’t worry, it totally wasn’t a downer though– she completely smized the whole time.

At this point the show was getting a little slow, so obviously it was time for the Biebster to win Choice Male Artist. He was still dressed like Ellen. He and Sean Kingston hugged and it was adorable.

I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE

Okay. You guys aren’t going to believe this, but there is actually an award for Choice Vampire. I’m serious. This is real. But Pam wasn’t even on the list! What gives? R.Pat won, of course, but there was actually a positive message in here somewhere. The award was sponsored by the Cancer Bites Campaign starting this fall. Cancer Bites is a campaign that brings together actors who play vampires to raise money for and bring awareness to blood cancers. Blood cancers are the most common types of cancer in those under 18, so a lot of you should care about this (if you are under 18/have a child/know someone under 18/have a heart).

I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THIS BE KRISTEN STEWART OR KRISTIN BAUER

Speaking of R.Pat, he also won for Choice Actor in a Drama for Water for Elephants over Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network. You might remember Jesse Eisenberg from when he was nominated for an Oscar for that role.

UNFORTUNATELY NOT THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS

For the finale, the TCA ran a goodbye montage for Harry Potter. I cried. The end of Harry Potter brings up a lot of emotions for me and I don’t understand why they needed to sully such a beautiful night with something so sad.

At this point I realized the show was actually over without Pretty Little Liars winning anything. Obviously I was pretty upset. In truth, The Morning After on Hulu summed it up pretty well:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/266285/the-morning-after-teen-choice-awards-speed-cap

In conclusion, light on the homogay content, heavy on the Bieber. Ron rules.