7 Signs It’s Time for Couples Therapy, According to a Queer Relationship Therapist

You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.

Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.

1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”

Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”

You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!

2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.

Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.

In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.

3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.

This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.

If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.

Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.

4. Your sex life is struggling.

I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.

They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.

5. You have trust issues.

I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.

We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.

6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.

I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.

If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.

7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.

We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.

Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.

Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.

As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.

Couples Therapy 404 Recap: Bungled Bunghole

This week on the show that your mom secretly watches after she tucks you into bed, Jon gets caught choking the chicken and Whitney gets jealous of the phantom menace. It’s 40 minutes of Ghostface Killah in a logoless snapback and Farrah chalking it up to mommy issues, so you know what that means! It’s Couples Therapy!

Can we take a minute to talk about how ridiculous Whitney and Sara’s title sequence little tagline is? “When things are good, they’re great. When things are bad, they’re bad.” Right, okay… and the problem is? Bad things should, by nature, be bad. That is logical. What is abnormal about good things being good and bad things being bad? I would be concerned if the things being good were bad and things being bad were good.

Sara is talking Farrah Smack with Taylor and Whitebread Simpson. Now that Sara and Whitney have seen Farrah’s bunghole in action, they want to prove that girl is straight-up lying about the fact it was just an accidentally released sex tape, since it is clearly a planned porno. Taylor says that planning a pornography is very “entrepreneurial” of Farrah, BA DUM CHH! Oh, Taylor, you swollen-lipped sass machine.

Also, let’s talk about this shoutout to Ilene Chaiken’s pervy ass:

Whitney: We have sex tapes. It’s called The Real L Word.

Oh don’t worry, Whit. We remember.

I felt uncomfortable posting anything more graphic than this but you know what I’m talking about. You KNOW.

For the first group session, the topic of the day is FIDELITY, which prompts Ghost to admit he is not in love with Kelsey, which like sure, duh, hello, we have eyes and ears. This is old news, Ghost. I am still not sure why you are on this show with a girl whose name you have forgotten TWICE, but blackmail might be involved. Maybe. Anyway, Whitney and Sara look nice and Jon talks about cheating on his wife. I don’t really care that much about his plight. I’m too distracted by his hair plugs to care.

Babe, you wanna tell them about the creamed corn, or should I?

Whitebread Simpson gets jealous of Taylor spending too much time talking to her fans. He still hasn’t made the connection that the fans are all 9 to 12 year old girls who have mistaken Taylor for a Bratz doll.

Entire civilizations have risen and fallen on the wide span of these lips.

And now for the best part of the show, as usual. It’s the part where Farrah does her almost-cry face and accidentally admits she was lying.

Sara: I’m just curious as to how that was a sex tape filmed at home when there is actually a camera crew filming it.

Farrah: No, there was not. There was only me and the camera person. So where are you seeing a camera crew?

Sara: Different angles. So there’s a camera person.

Farrah: No, I can straight up tell you honestly there was never any other person ever around us when we were having sex.

Sara: You just said camera person, it was you and the camera person.

Farrah: I don’t know if I ever said camera person.

Whitney: You did literally just say the words “camera person”.

Farrah: Well, I’m sorry if I said it, I’m just letting you know. Like, putting words in my mouth, it’s like, a touchy subject.

Oops, Farrah! Looks like you’ve bungled that bunghole. Homegirl still keeps calling it a sex tape and saying that she’s sick of being judged for it. If I hear Farrah call her porno a sex tape one more time, I swear.

Kelsey tells Ghost in private that she’s not trying to force him to love her, per say, but, you know, it might be nice. Ghost lovingly embraces a pillow as he admits that he is out of his element “sitting around all these motherfucking people and shit,” a direct quote.

Like I said, a direct quote.

After Jon, Liz, and Kelsey discuss Farrah’s sex tape over Cheesecake Factory takeout, Farrah talks about how no one wants to hang out with her and no one is trying to be her friend. Farrah says this reminds her of her parents’ divorce. Um, right. Okay. This is followed by Farrah talking about her mommy issues in a private session. I’ve decided to provide screencaps I took of this scene with no further commentary. No further commentary is necessary.

It’s Sara’s birthday, apparently, so Whitney hires some unemployed models to dress as mermaids and blow bubbles. Also, every lesbian you’ve ever seen in Los Angeles shows up to the Couples Therapy house. The best part of this scene is that Liz and Jon are still wearing matching grey zip-up hoodies for the party.

Sara is apparently a physically affectionate person, and gets friendly with Ghost. Whitney doesn’t want to see Sara all physical with the phantom menace. Whitney and Sara have a small spat about it while Sara takes off her makeup, but this is apparently not that big a deal because they’re over it the next morning. That’s cool, because Liz and Jon are about to have a fight because Liz doesn’t want Jon to masturbate and thinks Jon was masturbating! He’s not allowed to get off unless she’s involved, which seems pretty cockadoody to me in terms of rationality, but it looks like Jon goes for the controlling ones, huh?

Oh man, that was awesome.

Couples Therapy 403: Actual Human Garbage

This week on the show that no one besides me and Stef are talking about, it must be lunchtime at this shoddily constructed preschool of a mansion, because everyone’s throwing tantrums and Farrah’s fibbing to the class. James Deen was not your boyfriend, sweetheart.

Picking it up right where we left off, Taylor and Whitebread Simpson are still throwing the fit of their lives. Again, I’m 99% sure someone slipped the girl a couple twenties and told her to make like the Black Eyed Peas and get it started in here. Taylor’s fiancé just wanted to go back to his room, take a shower, and use Taylor’s oversized lips as a pillow. Now Taylor is on the phone with Dr. Jenn telling her that the accommodations are ridiculously unfit for her status as the least interesting person on the second least popular Real Housewives franchise.

Taylor: I can’t live like this. I have pea green towels. Do you have pea green towels in your house?…I can’t live in these conditions…I want to wake up with the same latte and filet mignon I have in my home.

Dr. Jenn says in her talking head that there is no way she is treating Taylor in Taylor’s own home. Why? Well, that would probably be more responsible as a therapist and is much more highly recommended by the medical community but this is a reality show, kids. If we can’t watch Taylor wipe her own ass with pea green towels while complaining that a servant isn’t doing it for her, what’s the point?

Yes, I screencapped this episode myself. Yes, Taylor often looks like a drunk Pokemon.

Sara intervenes, and YO. She gets the realest anyone on this show has gotten thus far. She points out that Taylor has not been playing the dumb diva prior to this tantrum, and it seems fakes as fuck. She reminds both Taylor and her fiancé Whitebread Simpson that they didn’t come here to make total asses of themselves. Part of me was like, okay, wow, that’s legit, but again…reality television. But! I think this speech was more about Taylor’s unexpected and extremely irritating behavior, which Sara is probably super sick of and intensely sensitive to because Romi.

Next day in therapy, Dr. Jenn is wearing another checkerboard mesh top and Taylor says she only throws tantrums because the producers told her to, also she needs her house to be perfect because her life is far from perfect? Ghostface continues to be the Grand Emperor of Asshats and saying that he’s not into Kelsey anymore because she was a stripper. Sometimes he refers to her solely as “a stripper” which further convinces me that he a) keeps forgetting her name, b) was blackmailed onto this show and has suddenly seen the opportunity to get out of here by blowing up this whole stripper thing, and c) is still kind of an asshat. At the end of the day, these two should not be together. Kelsey leaves in the middle of the session to join her flock of gloriously-crested cockatoos in a tree outside the house.

Be free, gloriously crested cockatiel.

Now it’s Farrah’s turn to continue to be all therapified even though she is single on Couples Therapy. Luckily, that means it’s also time for my favorite part of the episode, which is watching Farrah cry with all that plastic in her face. Good to see that her cry face is just as disturbing as it was pre-adjustments.

Then it’s lunchtime, and Ghostface tells Kelsey that she’s a smart woman and she knows how it is over a literal crock of Country Crock butter substitute. Maybe it’s just the English major in me, but that is some serious symbolism right there.

The next day, Whitney and Sara forgot this wasn’t The Real L Word and they’re not obligated to pleasure each other on camera. Actually, I’ll be real, it’s pretty cute, especially when Sara does the little mini punches on Whitney’s chest and then collapses into her. Probably less cute after we found out that Sara did real punches on Whitney’s chest that one time at the club, but I’ll take what cute lesbian moments I can get, okay?

Somewhere in the background, Ilene Chaiken is trying to start a “TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND FINGERFUCK” chant.

And now, for the best part of the episode, which I wish I could just post as a clip because it is so unbelievably good. Farrah unknowingly walks directly into the trap to end all traps, by bringing up someone else doing porn. Sara uses this to segue into the question every person in the universe has wanted to pose to Farrah.

Farrah: Doesn’t she do porn stuff?

Sara: Have you ever done that before?

Farrah: *in the most incredulous tone ever seen on this planet* Porn? No, I’m not in that industry.

Sara: Because my friend said she saw you in one yesterday.

Farrah: I have a sex tape with me and a boyfriend, yeah.

Titling a sex tape is not a CRIME, lesbian 1 and lesbian 2. I am an entrepreneur and I am writing a trilogy.

Okay, let’s get a couple things straight. Sara does not have a “friend” who was watching “Backdoor Teen Mom” “yesterday.” And after Farrah explains that she sold the tape to Vivid and named it herself, I think we can all agree that this is not a sex tape. As Sara succinctly puts it, girl thinks she’s Kim Kardashian, but she’s not. For example, Kim Kardashian runs a lucrative business, and is one of my favorite people in the world. Farrah is one of my least favorite people in the world, although I will pay top dollar for a compilation of her cry faces. The beauty of reality television and the culture it’s created is that people I’d probably murder in real life if I had to spend more than five minutes around them are people I want to watch for hours and hours of marathoned episodes. I’m sure that I’d rather kill kittens than hang out with Romi, but I will personally fund a Romi and Dusty (RIP, Romi and Dusty) television show because that shit would be the most entertaining piece of media in the history of media.

The resident counselor, who has so far been little more than a maid and telephone operator and probably hates her life so much right now, tells the kids that there’s a new couple today. Farrah pointedly tells Whitney and Sara that she hopes it’s another gay couple, because she is such a champion for gay people right now. Also she thinks there’s too much estrogen in the house, a cause she did not help by not bringing the other half of her “couple” to couples therapy.

Whitney does an awkward impression of I guess RiFF RAFF, because it would be super embarrassing if she was trying to use AAVE, right? Haha.

Whitney: Why you tryna step into our turf, you know what I’m sayin’? Like, we’re like, a gang.

Eugh, wow. Speaking of eugh, wow, Jon Gosselin and girlfriend are here and Farrah’s front and center to greet them. Also, oh my god, his girlfriend. Jon talks about how beautiful her smile is and how she lights up a room, and her introduction is literally, and this is a direct quote — “Jon is a fucking goofball.”

This is Ghostface’s reaction to the Jon Gosselin situation, by the way.

Taylor is puzzled by their matching sweatshirt jawns. She does not believe that is something you should wear when you’re going to meet people. She may be onto something.

Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-Extramarital-Affair.

For real, though, I’m already so in love with Jon’s girlfriend Liz. Woman of mystery and elegance.

Still life of elegance and a wrap.

Also, can we talk about how everyone is eating wraps on this show? Is that why Taylor was complaining about feeding them? Because they only fix them salads or wraps?

Jon and Taylor get some therapifying from Dr. Jenn, who is about as effective as a loaf of bread, but she does get Liz to admit that she feels interchangeable. Honey, y’all got 11 kids together that you have to spread the love to and all that, I do not blame you for feeling taxed. Also, Jon has a reputation for moving through them like water and hanging out with Sarah Palin’s daughter’s impregnator, so if he knocks you up and boots you, I cannot say with good conscious that I did not see it coming. You should probably get out of there while you can and drop that pail of actual human garbage off at the curb. Dr. Jenn agrees with me.

Yooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Sara and Whitney decide to take one for the team and watch Farrah’s “sex tape” to decide if it is a produced porn or not. (Spoiler alert: It is porn. I have seen it. My best friend has seen it. Most people I know have seen it, or parts of it. Search “Farrah Abraham Gifs” like I did, foolishly, to find gifs of her crying face for this series of recaps, and you’ll see a lot of gifs from the porn. It is porn.) Thanks for that bold sacrifice, Sara and Whitney!

Whitney: I guess you can be godly and still suck dick.

Oh honey, you can be godly and suck on a LOT of things. Can’t wait until next week, when more people with fake parts get real on a fake therapy show that is reality television.

Couples Therapy 402: Grand Central Meltdown Station

This week on a show that makes my own therapist worried about me, Ghost is little more than a thin membrane of double standards, Farrah orders her dessert before her drinks, and Whitney and Sara float blankly in the corner until they talk about hitting each other because they are “passionate.” It’s the kind of gorgeous bullshit that could only be sloppily manufactured for reality television — it’s Couple’s Therapy!

Last week, Whitney and Sara had zero opinions beyond “get in, make the money, get out” and Farrah’s fake tears were enough to prompt Ghostface Killah to shower her with a few drops of Wu Juice Wisdom. What does it say that Ghost is probably the most legit celebrity on this show but when I told my seventeen year old sister about it, she had no idea who he was? It says that my sister has shit taste in music, that’s what. Our Favorite (The Only) Lesbians On This Show remain the most boring housemates of all time, but I guess on a show about dysfunctional couples, that is probably a positive testament to their relationship. Hey, I’m cool with that. Team Cried At Their Wedding, Team Sara, Team Rootin’ For It. Anyway, I couldn’t stay bored for long because Taylor was off trying to revive her half-baked fame via drunken tantrum, and Farrah decided she is not an actual person but a bloated strangely-chinned caricature of a person. Loves it!

Apparently no one told Farrah that this isn’t The Farrah Show, but I don’t think anyone told the editors either. As a result, we spend a lot of time following Farrah around the house in a magenta cycling top while she forces the others to interact with her. She and Taylor discuss suicide and plastic surgery, and it’s about as surreal and otherworldly as you’d imagine. Taylor being contractually obligated to constantly bring up her dead physically abusive ex-husband is one thing, but Farrah reacting to the entire conversation by saying that Taylor’s reconstructive surgery is totally not noticeable is…so much worse somehow.

EMANCIPATE ME FROM MY PRISON OF FLESH AND SILICON!

Also, what do we know about Taylor’s new fiance except that he is gonna look up Wu Tang “on the Internet”? And he skis, right? Those are the two things we know. He is gonna look Wu Tang up on the Internet and he skis.

Right off the bat, they decide to take it to the nastiest possible place and make everyone recount their darkest relationship stories. Those ratings aren’t gonna write themselves, guys! Taylor fulfills her contractual obligation to bring up her dead abusive husband. Whitney and Sara talk about the time Sara thought Whitney was flirting with some girl but she wasn’t, so then Sara starting attacking her. Whitney says she stopped herself from fighting back, because in her head she “wanted to kick her ass.” Sara says she attacked Whitney because she is a “passionate” person, which reminded me a little bit of when I was in an abusive relationship and fully believed with my whole heart that all of it was justified because love was supposed to hurt. I guess what I’m saying is that passion is not a reason to physically attack someone and love isn’t supposed to hurt. Still, this shit was the fucking minor leagues compared to the drama that was about to go down.

You know what this relationship needs? A little cloth and JUSTICE.

Kelsey reveals she was once a stripper, and Ghost freaks. the. fuck. out. because apparently he doesn’t date strippers, it makes him “a joke”. If you ever have to write an assignment on double standards for your Feminism 101 class, this shit is Exhibit A. Ghost’s problem with Kelsey being a stripper is that other men touched her, aka all that anxious masculinity shit. What, has he never been touched by a woman in his life? Is he Elizabeth the goddamned Virgin Queen? Again, let’s review:

I was excited that we got to see actual Whitney and Sara Downtime this episode, since everyone who watches reality television knows that Downtime with a Capital D is where the Drama with a Capital D typically starts to go down. Unfortunately, Sara has clearly mastered “shutdown mode” and Whitney barely gets a chance to tell Sara she’s being distant before Sara gets Ice Queen on her ass. You know that when the camera is turned off, Sarah refers to Whitney as “Pookums” and goes in for tickle fights. I mean, hey, you and I both know that Cloth + Justice ain’t paying the bills, but you know what just might? Cashing in those reality checks.

Another moment of suspended disbelief for me was Kelsey gingerly setting her head onto a pillow, fully clothed, and saying she was going to bed. I am willing to bet incredibly large sums of money that hair such as Kelsey’s is never slept on, nor does it go anywhere without its own insurance policy. If I was going to pay to get a cockatoo’s crest recreated on my head, I would be maniacally careful, too.

My mother always said that you shouldn’t make important life decisions once the sun has gone down, which is probably why I’m such a disappointment to her. Ghost tried to take my mother’s advice and not decide on Kelsey’s alleged whoredom until the sun had risen, but the sun cometh up and it do not bringeth wisdom to the Wu Tang Clan’s fallen brother. Quite the opposite: Ghost is still pissed that Kelsey was once a stripper, even if she says it was for like…two weeks maximum, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, it’s VAGUE, but who’s keeping track?

Farrah continues to roam the house in her partner-less state, looking for couples to interrogate in order to set up situations where she can talk about herself. Can’t someone buy this girl a vibrator or something?

Never forget.

The best interaction in this entire episode comes when Farrah, begged by the producers to interact with Whitney and Sara so they have something to do, tells the pair about her career as a “TV personality” and bestselling author. Why am I even going to get my MFA, guys? I should just pop out a baby before I turn 18 and get a chin job so my writing career can really take off. Since her work has thus far been a hit, she’s now working on “an erotic sex novel” and, just to round things out, a “Christian parenting book.” Sara says that writing two books of such differing natures is “against the law of physics” which leads me to believe that Sara is about as familiar with physics as I am. To explain that reference: I never took Physics in high school because I straight up lied to my guidance counselor to get into AP Bio, so I know between zip and zilch in regards to gravity and why bridges don’t tumble into the ocean. But I guess you don’t need to be an engineer to hold your hair every time you model a sweatshirt.

This cuts to a scene where we have to listen to Farrah talk about her porno again, which she says was an “accident.” Girl, Kim Kardashian leaked a sex tape and she is unapologetic about it. My incredible love for the Kardashians aside, I’m just saying, there’s something to learn from another person who made their fame in reality television being super “whatever” about that time she did anal on film.

Whitney is wearing a beanie that could hold a small country in it, maybe the state of Connecticut or Rhode Island, but I guess it’s hard to keep one’s White Girl Dreads in order all the time.

By the way, when you’ve forced a group of strangers to house together under the guise of “legitimately fixing their relationships,” the best thing to do is TAKE THEM BOWLING! Alas, Farrah’s chin did not secede from the union of her face and start beating everyone with a bowling pin. That chin’ll drink your milkshake, Taylor. It drinks it right up.

Everyone gets super wasted, until Farrah decides she is going to order food by herself, for herself. Apparently this is the greatest wrong that could ever be wronged, as in move over horrific despots of history because Farrah didn’t wait for everyone to order food, she just ordered her fucking dessert and now all the goodness in the world will topple over like a fucking baby kitten.

By the time they get back to the house, someone has clearly slipped Taylor a Benjamin or two for an extra tantrum. That’s right, folks. We’ve pulled the Taylor Train into Grand Central Meltdown Station and it’s Hot Mess O’ Clock! Taylor takes this bribe to heart, putting on a performance worthy of Jennifer Lawrence’s Oscar, having a shitfit about how inferior everything in the shoddily constructed Reality TV Mansion is these days. Taylor and Whitebread Simpson threaten to leave this palace of horrors, which is hilarious. For those of you who are like, wow, what a terrible diva, I’m here popping my popcorn and giggling like a schoolboy. I haven’t seen something this fake since Farrah’s fucking chin. Oops?

Next time on Couples Therapy: Farrah’s chin orders its own dessert, and that asscrack of a human being known as Jon Gosselin will show up to talk about when he cheated on his hedgehog ex-wife with the nanny. Be right back, buying my crate of wine!

Couples Therapy 401: A Veritable Goldmine of Beautiful Garbage

VH1’s show Couples Therapy is exactly the kind of trashy television that gives me life. It pumps the blood in my veins, it is the air that I breathe. If I was a raccoon or maybe a bear, I would flip over the garbage can that Couples Therapy is concocted in and I would roll around in it for hours. That’s how I feel about this show. I want to rub this nasty piece of trash show all over my body and reek of it for days. Anyway.

If you were sleeping on this show, wakey-wakey, because alums of Ilene Chaiken Sucking The Last Sour Drops From The Diseased Teat of Her Dead Show – and by that, I mean The Real L Word – Whitney and Sara are here and they’re ready to process their baloney “issues” on television. Insert supercut of Whitney and Sara fighting outside of clubs and having sex on camera set to George Michael’s “Careless Whisper.” But seriously, if you missed the season with Courtney Stodden, you missed something amazing.

Saint Courtney Stodden

As the recapper for this show, I want to be 100% upfront: I do not dislike these people. Like, at all. I probably should, because all the other homosexuals I know straight-up loathe The Real L Word and everything that is even slightly related to it, but I ate that shit up like a goddamned Kraft Dinner. If you think reality television at its pure cheesiest is “ruining” modern media, that’s fine. Go watch Masterpiece Theatre and read your Dickens. I’ll be here enjoying the literal goldmine of hilarity that is C-to-D-list celebrities being paid to pretend-cry and stir up sloppily edited drama!

Speaking of C-to-D-list celebrities, let’s meet everyone who will be living together in this fake house. The cast of players is made up of Ghostface Killah and a “model/actress” who is not his main partner, a lady with gigantic lips I have never heard of because the ONLY Real Housewives that matter are in New Jersey, the lady with gigantic lips’ personal assistant, her milk toast guy, Jon minus Kate and 8 and the woman he is hooking up with, Our Ladies Whitney and Sara, Farrah from Teen Mom, and Farrah’s Chin Implant. Farrah’s Chin Implant is probably the most active player in this show, as it moves around her face and then absorbs itself a number of times throughout the forty minutes. I don’t know what it says that by the end of this episode Whitney and Sara were the most well-adjusted and “normal” and barely had any screentime. When I say they barely had any screentime, I mean their talking heads were about the other housemates’ issues. They dragged Whitney out to comment on Ghostface Killah’s resistance to therapy, since she is clearly the expert on a complete stranger who she had dinner with once’s feelings about vulnerability and the therapeutic process.

Part of this therapeutic process is living together in a fake house, having group therapy sessions with other D-listers, and being recorded while you cry. You’d think people would question the professionalism of this whole system, but Dr. Jenn Berman is like, “Of course I’m a professional! That’s why I’m treating my patients on a fucking reality show.”

Just cash those checks, Jenn. Cash cash, bang bang.

Highlights of the straight people introducing themselves include Ghost referring to Kelsey as “Kelly” and having to correct himself, Kelsey describing herself as a “model, actress, singer, songwriter,” Big Lips getting excited about the size of her closet in the fake house, and Big Lips’ Man saying that Ghost has “hip-hop flair” and he is “very anxious to get on the Internet and listen to some of his music.” Big Lips’ Man fucks with Tupac but he doesn’t fuck with Wu Tang? Well, at least he skis.

Then Whitney and Sara show up! We get a supercut of them fighting outside of clubs and a shot of the bathroom where they first banged on New Years Eve.

Whitney: Happy New Years to this guy.

Yo, let me switch to Tenth Grade Sleepover Mode and whisper a confession in my cami and pajama bottoms: I am all about these two. I was Team Sara all through The Real L Word, since Day Numero Uno. I cried at that goshdarn wedding. I was Team Whitney Get Your Shit Together because Whitney is a people pleaser and I am a people pleaser and sometimes I was like, wow, I get her. I love these ridiculous fuckers because they are ridiculous. If I laugh hysterically when Sara says she knew she loved Whitney from the moment they fucked in a bathroom, it’s because that’s AMAZING and I find it super entertaining and if these two want to make their money from entertaining me, I am all about it.

Also, Sara’s new bangs. DAMN, GIRL.

Whitney says they are both trying to be king of the jungle but they haven’t figured out who the king of the jungle is. I’m not sure why that was the metaphor for their relationship that Whitney picked, but maybe they like to fuck to The Lion King soundtrack, I don’t know.

We try to time our climaxes to the first chorus in Hakuna Matata.

Their other major issue is that their clothing company, which is apparently t-shirts with pictures of them on it, is not doing great. Since I’ve only heard of this brand through Sara and Whitney’s Instagram accounts, this was not a shocking piece of information. Look, I’m a twenty-something in the creative field. We’ve ALL got friends who started their own “company” by writing their brand name in a black shape and printing it on some beanies.  The non-success of the Sara-Whitney endeavor is only slightly sadder because they technically have a bit more weight, having been on some reality programming and all.

They don’t immediately hit it off with the other housemates, since Ghostface Killah thinks they’re going to jump his girlfriend (??? Should we even call Kelsey his girlfriend? We are all in agreement that he is really not into her at all, right? Like, she is clearly blackmailing him, right?) because obviously all lesbians just want to fuck all women, always, as we are absolute FIENDS for it. Kelsey says that would never happen because a) Whitney doesn’t want to have sex with a cockatoo and b) Kelsey does not believe in gay marriage, or gay people. Can’t wait for the homophobic drama to be as forcibly stirred up as possible!

But hey, how could I forget Farrah and Farrah’s Chin Implant? Farrah is introduced with clips from her sex tape, and then shows up without her boyfriend, whose name is bleeped out because he is trying to erase every single aspect of himself that could possibly be attached to Farrah in the future. Actually, rumor has it that Farrah hired a fake boyfriend to get on this show, and he’ll probably show up at the last minute for an extra juicy finale. This would not surprise me in the least, and it would be AWESOME. Farrah cries about how Bleep is not there and everyone stares at her uncomfortably, except for Whitney who is a Grade A People Pleaser and seems really upset on her behalf. Sara looks at Farrah with all the enthusiasm of someone attending a sixth grade violin recital following a pap smear. Also, let’s be honest, the real victim here is Farrah’s Chin Implant, who had no choice but to take center stage in this sad downward spiral.

FREE ME FROM THE CONFINES OF THIS FLESHY PRISON!

Well, until next time, kids, when Jon minus 8 and Kate will bring his bloated carcass into the spotlight, when Ghost trots out another member of his harem, and when Whitney and Sara will continue to somehow be the most normal people here.