Real L Word 309 Recap: Perfect Day For This Show To End With A Bang Bang Bang

Welcome to the ninth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a subversive and edgy late night soft core cable special about four or ten extraordinarily good-looking lesbians who live on one side of the country or the other side and enjoy taking pregnancy tests, drinking/singing, public nudity, trying on wedding dresses, recording insufferable pop music, Tour, puppies, talking about Romi, sitting at round tables with their parents while crying and saying really truly amazing things, such as:

Unfortunately for fans of slow water torture and fortunately for my state of mind, this episode was the very last episode of the season and was therefore jam-packed with trapeeze artists, key lime pie, days-of-the-week underpants, sex swings, spring flings, weddings and evil zombies! Let’s dig into it, shall we?

We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, and are immediately informed via large white block letters that it’s ONE MONTH LATER. Given the byzantine sense of timing employed by this show, “ONE MONTH LATER” is about as meaningless as the lyrics to Dusty & Romi’s first single.

after dolphins conquered the earth and took over Los Angeles

With the wedding merely two days away, Whitney and Sarahara have got heaps of eyebrows to pencil, vows to spell-check, flowers to arrange, small address labels to print and fights to have.

i told you i was gonna get a face tattoo, we can’t both get face tattoos, we already both have full body tattoos and that’s gonna be confusing enough for my mother

Whitney interviews:

Whitney: “I love that we’re going into our wedding with such harmonious energy. We literally want to kill each other.”

The wedding situation has transformed Whitney into a one-man Pride Comedy Jam. Meanwhile, Sarahara searches for her own limbs and soul beneath a giant sheet of white medical gauze or some lacy thing I can’t understand because I don’t have a gender identity.

Whitney: “I also think it’s weird you’re wearing a veil considering in no way are you virginal, or am I like lifting it like who is this virginal person I will be experiencing for the first time tonight?”
Sara: “You’re the one taking the symbolic part of it for heart. I’m wearing it for a fashion statement.”

and the statement is “i wanna fuck you like an animal”

This riveting conversation about hymens and fashion is interrupted by a text message from Mr. Whitney:

because tegan and sara would really like to be there

Oh my goddess, Whitney’s Dad is coming to the wedding! He’s a Hunter Valentine groupie and as soon as he heard that Kiyomi would be there, he booked a ticket. Just kidding! There was a sale on Priceline. Just kidding! Maybe he found a mask to protect him from Ilene Chaiken and no longer fears the camera stealing his soul.

Cut cross-country to the post-apocalyptic industrial wasteland of New York, New York, where The Hunter Valentine Band is eagerly auditioning new hipsters with bangs to fill the void left by Somer’s absent hips and bangs.

Kiyomi: “Just so you know you’re auditioning right now too.”
Vero: “Always auditioning! When am I gonna make the band?“

what do you say we just get naked and wrestle and whoever wins gets to pick the fourth member

Basically it’s like American Idol but with only one contestant. Her name is Aimee (not Aimee Mann! I thought that too though, obvs) and she’s an “amazing musician” from Toronto.

hey hey guess what i’m gay

Aimee plays bass, I think? But Somer played keyboard. But also I don’t understand music. Three guitars? I assume they’re establishing a mariachi band to play Feliz Compleaños at Chi-Chi’s.

Luckily my G-Chat viewing companion Laneia is totally unhelpful about this:

Laneia: basically the 4th member HAS to have black hair and bangs
Riese: yeah what role is she filling
somer played keyboard
Laneia: i’m confused but also i think you can reach certain notes maybe using a guitar??
ergh idk it’s like watching fish talking about swimming
like, ok
Riese: yeah
like if i wanted to swim
i would swim

The Valentines are impressed with Aimee’s skills, as well as her “energy” and the fact that she seems “positive and comfortable with herself,” which I believe also qualifies her for the Dove Real Beauty© Campaign.

i’m going to grandmother’s house and i’m taking a mini-duck, two bottles of whiskey, and an aimee

Kiyomi interviews that Aimee’s got touring experience. Somer didn’t have touring experience, apparently, and it “showed in a major way” ’cause Somer didn’t understand the rules of the road, like “thou must suck face with regional strangers” and “that’s not the band’s repair.”

Kiyomi: “How attached to Toronto are you?”
Aimee: “I have a cat, and that’s about it.”

“You nailed it,” says Kiyomi. “Just don’t nail anybody in the band and you’ll be okay.” Hey-o!

but honestly she’s a total bitch and would be much happier in the wild

Smear across 2,777 miles of vast unexplored swaths of land to sunny yet sketchy Los Angeles, California, where Romi Flinger, as evidenced by the giant chunk of heterosexual lifestyle hair stolen from Kid Rock currently snaking down her back, has left the world of lesbianism forever to worship at the shrine of evil cis-male-privilege and The Dark Knight Dusty Ray.

ok let’s play the game again where we take turns telling the other how pretty they are

Romi: “As soon as me and Kelsey’s breakup, pretty much, I am in a relationship with Dusty.”

Suprise!

the backup knights of the apocalypse

In merely a month, Dromi and Rusty have fallen in love, which I believe is a similar sensation to falling down an endless tank of rice pudding while wrapped in latex.

Romi: “When I was in the studio I didn’t know what the hell was gonna happen. At all. I didn’t think that we were gonna end up like this again, I mean it had been so long. But there are some people in your life that you meet and it just takes over everything about you. You can’t even control it, even if it’s the wrong time or the wrong place or the wrong situation. It was just inevitable, you can’t put me and Dusty together without us being in love. And we have a history together, it’s not like we just met. And I just wanna like put my heart back into Dusty.”

That’s not all she wants to put back into Dusty HEY-O BUTTSEX!

and then, where my heart used to be in my chest, put some kind of shiny broach or something

Romi, having confused “the institution of marriage” with “staying in touch with another human,” explains that they’ve gotta marry or else may lose each other.

Romi: “I don’t ever wanna lose him again and I know that he doesn’t ever wanna lose me again and we spent six years apart and we just are so in love, it’s stupid.”

Laneia: i cannot roll my eyes hard enough
Riese: i had to put in new eyes
mine fell out when i saw romi’s extensions
Laneia: it is stupid
she’s right abt that at least

I wish they’d just gone with something more like this:

Now that they’ve spent two seconds discussing their options, it’s time to call Mom and inform her that Dusty and Romi wanna make this nonsense permanent.

and then we’re gonna get a puppy and maybe a frappuchino!

Romi: “Um, Dusty and I are getting married!”
Mom: “Like, you’re kidding right?”
Romi: “No, like we’re gonna get married.”
Mom: “What?”
Romi: “We’re gonna get married!!
Mom: “Dusty.”

Romi hands the phone to The Slice of Man.

Dusty: “We love each other so much.”
Mom: “You’re like serious? I can’t wait. What is happening, like for real, do you know what I’m saying? Marriage is for real.”
Romi: “We’re gonna do it!”
Mom: “You guys seriously, this is a serious thing and you’ve talked about it and you understand the commitment.”
Romi: “Yup!”
Mom: “Okay.”

Well, that was easier than this:

Elsewhere in gorgeous yet often sweltering hot Los Angeles, California, Lamanda are moving objects around in hopes of shipping half of said objects to The Grande Apple and keeping half in the garage. That’s right, they’re moving back to New York City, which means New York won the “New York vs. Los Angeles” Challenge this season. Good work everybody!

Lauren: “I’m so exited to be moving back to new york, it’s just gonna be incredible to like, re-learn the city, go back to my favorite places, go back to my favorite places and do it all with my fabulous girlfriend, Kiyomi.”

Storage Wars would lose their shit over this bondage chair:

my safeword was “dirty knees”

Amanda: “I think we need a box just for sex toys.”
Lauren: “Oh no we have some there. It’s too much of a pain to carry back and forth.”

Amanda interviews that despite her plans to return to The City, she and the ex aren’t back in the saddle, ’cause the ex has other ponies to ride. Amanda tells Lauren that she doesn’t want her ex to think she’s coming back to the city just for her.

ehhh i dunno, when she fucks me with that thing i feel it more in my upper abs

Amanda: “I don’t wanna give the satisfaction of me thinking that I’m going there to be with her, you know?”
Lauren: “So why don’t you tell her you’re not going, and then go anyway? And if she sees you out, just be like, Hey, I’m visiting.”
Amanda: “Well, that’s really retarded. Why would I do that?”

They’ve got this Paris/Nicole circa Season One of The Simple Life thing going on, these two.

Elsewhere in the bright futurescape of Los Angeles, California, Whitney and Sarahara are prepping for their Special Day with Mama and Papa Bettencourt.

yup yup everyone puts their keys in this bowl, that’s why it’s called a key party

Whitney and Sarahara have managed to muster up a large photograph of their photogenic faces for the family to admire.

so this is what you kids have been doing with all your free time, huh?

Sarahara notes that her Mom is looking sad and removed and at first one might assume she’s just depressed that the happy couple didn’t hire Robin Roemer to photograph their wedding, but then one might realize Sarahara’s Mom is just sad about Sarahara being a homo:

Sara: “Mom, can you tell me if you feel better about this wedding?”
Mrs.Sara: “Still, I’m thinking. You don’t need to be married.”
Sara: “Why? I don’t deserve the same rights as my sister or you and Dad, why? My love is not as good as your love?”
Mrs.Sara: “Yeah, of course.”
Sara: “Well, then that’s sad for you to say that.”

for example i’ve heard good things about domestic partnerships

Mrs.Sara: “But that’s what I’m still thinking, you know.”
Sara: “You want me to be happy because you love me.”
Mrs.Sara: “Yeah I want you to be happy Sara, but you can be happy anyway.”
Sara: “Yeah that makes me happy and I deserve that just like you and everybody else.”

Just imagine if Sara had called to say that she’d gotten back together with Whitney a month ago and they were gonna go get married at Circus Circus! LOL!

it’s okay i still kinda love you

Sara interviews that when she’s already so nervous about the wedding it doesn’t help that her Mom would rather be at The Hollywood Wax Museum.

Real L Word 308 Recap: Premonitions Sure Are Dreamy And Disturbing

Hello and welcome to the eighth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour reality program following nine real women who hoard dead cats, use 765 coupons to obtain 675 boxes of Kraft Dinner for 49 cents, are addicted to hillbilly heroin, dress their 4-year-old daughters in sexy cowboy outfits for Lil’ Miss Pageants, compete against a large group of really stupid guys on steroids for the love of one bisexual centerfold, transform a basket filled with spam and garlic cloves into an award-winning dessert and talk about themselves.

L to R: Dusty, Romi

Reader, this has been a batshit crazy week of television! First this…

…then this…

… then this…

…and now this!

Let’s get started!

We open in sultry Los Angeles, California, where Whitney, Sarahara and Lauren are imbibing alcoholic beverages in a crazy sexy cool hot nightspot environment called “JUICY CLUB LA,” probably named after Juicy Juice, because isn’t everything.

ready for a three-peat

So, Lauren informs Sarahara and Whitney that she’s taking a red-eye to New York City, which’s insane, because when you take a red-eye you’ve got two choices: 1. drink coffee upon awakening to keep you alert, pleasant and conscious throughout your journey to and within the airport and then face the unseemly side effect of not being able to sleep on the flight, 2. don’t drink coffee upon awakening and feel like holy hell all the way there, inevitably wait for hours as your plane is delayed and delayed, but then sleep peacefully on the flight. I don’t know which one Lauren’s gonna do, especially since instead of talking about this quandary, she’s talking about Kiyomi!

Whitney and Sarahara have a vacation prediction:

there’s also a slight possibility you could fall down a well

Sara: “I feel like Kiyomi has Lauren in the palm of her hand right here just “doo doo doo” hanging out.”

honey i shrunk the cast

Sara: “You gotta keep em guessing, you know?”
Whitney: “Give ’em little tastes. We gave each other little tastes for three years before we chomped and look at us now, we’re a month away from walking down the aisle!”

Whitney asks Lauren if she’s gonna move to New York and then puts bets on “Kiyomi’s moving here,” ’cause people in Los Angeles always think everybody’s gonna move there. To be fair, it seems like everybody has moved there.

We thus ricochet cross-country to somewhere in Brooklyn during a crucial period in our nation’s history, where Kiyomi and Laura are hitting up a bar to watch Vero scale new heights of sexiness in her surprise role as “bartender.” No wait never mind, they’re there to talk about themselves:

Kiyomi: “The band is really moving at a rapid pace and as soon as the record is out we’re gonna be really busy and we don’t have time to slow down for someone who is sort of wishy washy for where they wanna be in the band.”

cause i was hoping to talk about her for a bit before actually talking to her

Mhm. It’s Somer Fry-day. They’ve decided to boot Somer from the band and they’re gonna tell her at the meeting tomorrow. Vero asks if it’s gonna be an ultimatum, but nope — it’s just gonna be an order.

but nothing’s as hard as being a green valentine

I’ve been anti-this-conflict since the start ’cause Kiyomi was obnoxious and I love Somer so much, but suddenly this week watching this episode something clicked and I finally “got it” and understood where Kiyomi and Laura are coming from because I realized I could relate their experience to my own experiences here at Autostraddle!  It doesn’t matter how awesome or talented somebody is when you’re doing shit like this, ’cause that’s not all it takes — when you’re in charge of a operation that consumes all your time, has negatively impacted most of your relationships, requires heaps of magical thinking, barely pays the bills if it pays anything at all and is in an industry in which 99% of attempters fail — you come to require so much blind faith that anybody who isn’t stark raving mad about your project keeps you up at night. Everybody at the table needs to have something serious at stake, something that prevents them from leaving. “Blind faith” is right up there with “butter” as one of the primary ingredients for Keeping the Dream Alive Cupcakes. It’s not that Somer hasn’t shown interest in the band or doesn’t add an awesome sound to it, it’s that Somer hasn’t shown borderline-psychotic passion for and obsession with the band, and that’s what the band needs, to be everybody’s unconditional first priority.

Anyhow, then Somer shows up and she and Kiyomi sneak off to a corner for some close-talking.

it’s just there’s this girl romi who says her dream has always been to play an instrument on a stage and because she’s a celesbian and everything, we have to take her up on that

Kiyomi and Somer discuss the intricacies of their friendship:

Somer: “I just want things between us to be right and they’re not right right now.”

Kiyomi says they’ll chat about it tomorrow because the sun’ll come out tomorrow, so you better hang on ’til tomorrow!

Sidenote: when we got to this part of the episode on Thursday night, I began panicking that Laneia had yet to pop up on G-chat to watch with me.

Riese: LANNEEEIAAAAAAAAAAAA
Laneia: HI
sorry my cable reset itself
fuck
Riese: jeez
Laneia: we’ve been trying to fix it
Riese: you have missed SO MUCH
Laneia: the internet and everything
DAMN IT
what
Riese: no jk, nothing has happened yet
Laneia: i have to call cox and fix it
megan has taken to making me a vodka tonic

We cut to the darkest deepest chambers of Douchebagville, where The King of the Douchebags is entertaining his new suitor, Romi Flinger.

once again the answer to the question “who’s at the door” is romi

Romi the pop star’s preparing to shoot her first music video by learning how to sing — just kidding! She’s gonna wing it. Anyhow, you know when you’re hugging somebody you wish you were fucking and you are acutely aware of the alignment of your private parts and how every limb in your body can feel every limb in their body and you feel like if you keep hugging like this forever, it’d basically become sex by default? That’s how Dusty and Romi hug.

and by “work” i mean “play”

Laneia: what’s romi wearing
besides a runway of rouge
Riese: a hoodie
and a winter hat
Laneia: is it december there

Romi interviews regarding her Passion for Music:

or really any raised surface of any kind where people will feel a social obligation to look at me and listen to me talk

In addition to always wishing she could be a basketball player, President of the United States, a movie star, Queen of the World, editor of Vogue, One Of Those Bloggers Who Just Writes About Herself All Day In Her Underpants While Bathing in Millions of Google Adsense Dollars And Then Gets a Book Deal, a fashion designer, Starfleet Captain, an FBI agent, a filmmaker or the owner of a Really Cute Bakery, Romi dreams of pop stardom:

Romi: “I love music, I love making songs, I like performing, I love being on stage. I would just love to be able to sing and get paid to do it.”

Romi perches atop the couch singing her new hit single with Dusty. Romi’s reading the lyrics off her Blackberry, which makes me insane ’cause it’s totally unfair that I’ve already accidentally memorized the lyrics to this g-dforsaken song and Romi hasn’t, and it’s HER SONG. I cannot get this shit out of my head.

romi has fooled us all into thinking she’s reading lyrics from her phone when she’s really just taking instagram pictures for “dustyandromi.tumblr.com in beta”

Romi interviews about her Amazing Artistic Connection to Dusty Ray and what each uber-talented megastar brings to the table besides L.A. Cool and gravity-defying hair:

Romi: “It’s a great team because Dusty is an amazing songwriter who’s very talented, I wanna sing, I can’t write a song to save my life, but guess what I have a really great following and a lot of publicity. So, you give me a song to sing, and I’ll give you people who will listen to it.”

i mean, “ooh la la?” you think that shit just pops into just anybody’s head? No. That’s the work of a true artist. Don’t even get me started on “Dirty Knees”

Laneia’s cable is still broken at this point —

Riese: omg i can’t believe romi just said what she said
Laneia: i’m dying
this is really irritating WHAT DOES THE UNIVERSE HAVE AGAINST ME WATCHING THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW
i’m on hold with cox listening to the musak version of a foreigner song

Basically, Romi and Dusty Ray have now added “being obsessed with each other” to their already arduous schedules “being obsessed with themselves.”

let’s cut the bullshit and just write a song that goes like “memememememememememememe”

It’s wild, dude! When they jam together, it’s like unicorns having buttsex:

Dusty: “Music is a part of her like it is for me, so when we get together, it’s just like a constant rolling thing, like songs come out, we sing, we mix, we play, and for someone who hasn’t been in the studio before, like she can do anything already, so that’s just like so much fun, you know?”

this is how they transfer energy to each other, like E.T. but not cute

You guys. EW! Just, ew! My feelings about this scene are best expressed by utilizing the graphics fourfour made when Nicole won America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 5:

+

I mean honestly.

Before departing, Romi and Dusty share yet another sex-hug:

call your girlfriend, it’s time you had the talk

At this point, I would like to quote The Daily Fill Dot Com: “Reality TV stars refuse to learn a very simple lesson: being famous does not mean you can also make music. No amount of money or lip syncing can make up for a complete lack of musical ability, but unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped countless reality stars from trying (and failing) to launch a music career.”

This seems to be what always happens in later seasons of successful reality shows — the “cast member tries to extend their 15 minutes” storyline replaces whatever storylines made that cast member interesting in the first place.

For example:

i did way too much research for this graphic

Now we travel forward in time and emotional resonance to a magical therapist’s office undoubtedly located in or around Los Angeles, California. Charlie’s initial due date is coming up and the girls have feelings.

Laneia: have kacorcy gotten pregnant yet
Riese: they’re in therapy right now
Laneia: i might as well just slam my head against the wall

Cori, much like you and me and everyone we know, has jealousy issues with facebook.

Cori: “Seeing pregnant people on my Facebook, like seeing everybody pregnant and all that, that’s hard… it brings like this ugliness, like it makes me jealous and I’m struggling with that and then I’m mad at myself, and I should be happy for these lucky women, but I’m jealous, and it’s hard.”

The therapist drops a gallon of truth serum onto them — and onto me, too, actually, I mean, this is good advice:

Therapist: “But jealousy really is anger. I mean it brings up your anger that it can’t be you, so what you’re talking about is normal, it’s a feeling that you have to have, just like your sadness.”
Cori: “I try to distract myself a lot, but i’m so angry at my body. “

They want to acknowledge Charlie’s Birth-Day somehow, do something for it. Maybe move towards closure, if there is such a thing when things like this happen.

We starsweep all the way across the United States of America to Brooklyn, New York, where a group of carpet-munching rockstars are assembling for a meeting. Somer’s there first, obviously, with Kiyomi and Laura lagging behind:

don’t think twice, it’s alright

The ladies settle in and Laura and Kiyomi sharpen their knives, lick their lips, and dig in:

Kiyomi: “The first thing to talk about that’s the most obvious thing is the elephant in the room, is that you know we decided that we were gonna make a decision whether you were gonna commit to the band or whether the band was gonna commit to you, what the right thing to do was after the tour, at this point we’re feeling like it might not be the right fit because of all the things that we have gone through and I hope that we could figure this out in the most respectful and positive way.”

Damn.

this would be a good time to tell you that the black cups contain coffee and your white cup is basically an arsenic latte

Kiyomi: “At this point in Hunter Valentine there is no room to slow down, eight years in the making and it’s gotta keep going full force.”
Somer: “I don’t wanna slow that down by my decision or my inability to be on tour.”

Kiyomi’s slightly relieved that Somer seems to “get it,” but is also sad. Meanwhile, Somer interviews that much like an attractive well-jawed and deceptively tiny jungle animal, she feels ambushed:

Somer: “It’s not only disappointing and frustrating but a little bit heartbreaking, it felt a little bit like an ambush, and I wish we could’ve had more of a conversation and maybe we could’ve seen what we could fix and move forward and maybe do something awesome together as a band.”

especially the part where 12 soldiers jumped out of a bush, pinned me to the ground and took me hostage as a war captive

The band agrees that they want Somer recording the album with them but then that’ll be that. And even if Somer wasn’t one hundred percent about the band on the run, it still hurts to have somebody else make that decision for you, and unexpectedly, too.

three ways of looking at kiyomi

Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metro area, Sarahara is tittering about the room in a lacy headscarf, straightening chairs and looking at the wall as Whitney sits on the couch, demonstrating how to finger a detachable vagina I MEAN sticking her finger in and out of her ring, asking Sara if maybe she shouldn’t wear it ’til the ceremony, lest it lodge itself in Sarahara’s cervix, causing her to birth tiny golden dragons.

hey hey my eyes are up here

The topic of this scene is that the wedding’s a month away and they’ve yet to plan anything, which’s befuddling — like really? They haven’t sent out invitations yet? Last week I got an invite to a wedding taking place in the Spring of 2013, for Christ’s sake.

Whitney: “I’m more of a planner, you know Sara kinda likes to fly by the seat of her pants.”

hello excuse me i’m here for my “save the date” invite as promised

Apparently they’ve yet to invite people, get outfits, taste cake, replace the chandelier, do a BevMo run, shoot me in the face, audition flower girls or find a DJ. West Hollywood is teeming with lesbian DJs so that shouldn’t be a problem. But you know what is a problem? THE FACT THAT “WEDDING PLANNING” HAS RE-EMERGED AS  A “TOPIC” ON THIS SHOW.

Whitney: “Alright — what are you doing?”
Sara: “Baby, I’m getting addresses.”
Whitney: “All I know is that you’re —”
Sara: “Baby, trust me, okay? I’m making headway here.”
Whitney: “I understand you’re making headway except for the fact that all I’m saying is that you’re hopping from Facebook to sending things to color schemes to —”
Sara: “So what? That’s how I work. Is there a particular way you’d like me to do it? How is that, please tell me.”
Whitney: “Yes, organized.”
Sara: “Cool. Don’t piss me off.”

can’t you tell, that’s why i’m wearing my headway headscarf

All this thinking has left Sarahara exhausted and Whitney frustrated.

Sara: “Planning a wedding is exhausting and we’ve got tons of work to do.”

Whitney would like Sarahara to do some of this work, and the beat goes on…

Real L Word 307 Recap: Dream Come True, Nightmare Come Soon

Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the third season of The Real L Word, an hour-long teen drama centered on a tight-knit group of surprisingly artictulate friends growing up in the quaint seaside town of Capeside who carry on passionate teenaged affairs with one another, create terrible self-referential films, escape housefires and deal with Adult Issues like estranged parents, dead parents, divorced parents, re-married parents, sex, teacher-student affairs, mental illness, slut-shaming and homosexuality.

L to R: dusty, amanda, kiyomi, cori

I got the screencaps last night and have been immersed in this delightful program all day! My dearest love, Intern Grace, did not have time to create her clever image titles past the first few scenes, unfortunately, and this recap is kinda late, but it’s here now and that’s all that matters. We’re all here now.

We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, where Whitney and Sarahara are attempting to leave on a jet plane for Connecticut, where Whitney’s family lives, but their bag is overweight! Riveting stuff.

and uh, we don’t need an on-board meal because we already ate this morning if you know what i mean wink wink

After removing their medium-sized strap-on, their large strap-on, Sarahara’s Ashton-Drake realistic baby doll, the nightstick Whitney uses for cop/robbers role play, the bust of Ilene Chaiken she insists they bring with them everywhere they go, six identical copies of Infinite Jest, Sarahara’s five-gallon Caboodles and a small household cat, they’re good to go!

We cut to Lamanda’s Love Shack, where the Beautiful Party Princess Amazonian Lovergirl Lauren Bedford Russell wakes up to greet the morning but finds herself alone, yearning for Kiyomi’s soft futch touch and the gentle snap of her suspenders as they graze her skin and fall delicately to the floor, where someone recently spilled a beer. What am I even talking about anymore.

wishing those sexts came with more pics

Lauren sulks into the kitchen, adorned in her lady-love’s varsity jacket:

nothing but your t-shirt on

Lauren interviews that she’s still thinking about Kiyomi, in case you missed that whole thing from five seconds ago, and Amanda points out that Lauren’s been really wacky lately:

it looks good curly though, i mean, i’m just saying, i’ve just only seen it straight

We take a midnight train back to New York City, where Kiyomi is meeting up with Vero The Coolest Cucumber for cornbread, daisies, fight club, ping-pong, arsenic, hemp tattoos, babies and a heart-to-heart.

vero has been practicing her “pretending to listen to kiyomi” face

Obviously Lauren is on Kiyomi’s mind as well:

Kiyomi: “I feel like everything is happening really fast and I’m trying to, you know, take things slow, you know. We’re both really busy people in our careers, just gonna try and see each other when we can and see how it goes.”

Kiyomi interviews that part of her hesitation is because she’s just gotten out of this relationship with Ali, because now that she’s out of it, she can call it a relationship without hyperventilating. Vero is like, dude, she is way into you though:

Vero: “At Dinah Shore she told me something, she said something along the lines of I can see myself just being with her.”
Kiyomi: “She must have been loaded! No, I’m just kidding.”
Vero: “It sounds like she she really digs you.”

Regardless, Kiyomi is k-k-kinda busy:

honestly with these cameras around it’s been super hard for a girl to get her masturbation on

We then cut back to Lamanda in Los Angeles, still sitting in The Room With The Table In It, still talking about Kiyomi. Lauren points out that perhaps the distance will enable a more mature relationship as they’re unable to hang out all day every day until they lose all their friends and develop a false sense of intimacy and understanding that cannot possibly exist until you’ve known someone for a really long time. But also, she’s never done long distance, and also it’s not a relationship yet but also —

Lauren: “It’s like crazy to talk about it right now, you know?”
Amanda: “Yet you’re like talking about it constantly to the point where I wanna like gouge my eyes out with a fork.”

don’t we all

And SCENE.

Somewhere else on a planet far far away but probably in the Los Angeles Metro Area, it’s Kacy’s Mom’s turn on the Meet The Parents Tour. Kacy interviews that since retiring, her Mom’s become super-awesome: she drives long distances, enjoys golf and is a Great Source of Love and Comfort.

kacy dear, i’ve been watching season two of that show you’re on, and i have some questions for you about claire and vivian’s relationship if you have a minute after we’re done talking about this baby stuff

Mom asks how Cori is holding up and Kacy admits that “sometimes I think she’s doing better than I am.”

Kacy: “I think everybody expects to be really gentle with her, and they think I’m fine.”
Mrs.Kacy: “Well, that’s so crappy.”
Kacy: “It is pretty crappy.”
Mrs.Kacy: “You have to tell people, I’m hurting too.”

This show’s done a great job of showing that Kacy is hurting too, but it’s unsurprising that perhaps her friends haven’t noticed it themselves. Often butch or masculine lesbians are handled like men are handled when it comes to emotional situations — expected to be The Protector somehow immune to The Feelings, and probably moreso in this case because it was Cori who carried the baby. But pro tip: butches cry too.

Mrs. Kacy tells Kacy that she had a hard time getting preggers too — ten years, four miscarriages — but she never had to carry the baby to term, like Cori did. Mrs. Kacy says what we’re always thinking every episode every single week, which’s that it’s mega-inspirational to watch how losing Charlie brought KayCor closer together rather than driving them further apart. Kacy says that they’re ready to try again.

It’s true, there’s so much more now. Because when her first sibling is born, Charlie won’t be their last child anymore. She’ll be their first.

Starsweep cross-country to cloudy Connecticut, where Whitney and Sarahara have traveled to participate in the next stop on The Real L Word’s Meet the Parents Coming Out World Tour — this time Grandma’s in the hot seat. She’s 92 years old and also awesome.

whitney and grandmother prior to their gang initiation ceremony

Whitney gathers ’round the table with Grandma, Sarahara, Mom, a bottle of wine and captivating conversation:

and i first saw the trees! The Truffula Trees! The bright-colored tufts of the Truffula Trees! Mile after mile in the fresh morning breeze

Whitney interviews that as a kid, when her family split up and money was low, Whitney and her Mom moved in with Grandma so Grandma is really important, just like Sookie Stackhouse’s Gran and Jen Lindley’s Grams.

Whitney’s never directly addressed The Gay Thing with Grandmother and now she’ll be delivering the double-whammy of Gay and Engaged. Whitney’s nervous and taking it slow:

that’s what she said

How will Grandmother react?

Will she react like this?

+

I hope it’s not like this:

+

Or like this:

Hopefully it won’t be anything like this, either:

+

Ideally, it will go something like this:

Whitney’s gonna break the big news during dinner, for which she’s invited her childhood pal Tiffany who accidentally steals the scene when she announces during dinner that she and her boyfriend Luigi are getting married.

he’s leaving the super mario brothers for this, so it’s pretty serious.

She’s basically marrying the second-most-popular video game character of all time! Sarahara cannot compete with this holy union!

wedding invitation mockup

Despite all the love in the air, Whitney fails to announce her engagement:

Whitney:  “Basically everything is like engagement engaged discuss and I for some reason am not going there at all, I was avoiding it like the plague.”

Cut to somewhere else in the universe, probably Venus or Pluto or The Inferno, where Romi’s meeting up with some alternatively coiffed ladies named Mercado and Erika to discuss her latest adventure in self-referential commerce: Romi’s gonna become a pop star and would like “her own song.”

i mean imagine how cute my face would look on this mug

These chicks are gonna make her music video for this song she hasn’t recorded or heard yet.

At this moment in the recap I would like to introduce a new device, which’s “copy/pasting g-chats I had with (Autostraddle Executive Editor) Laneia during the show.”

Laneia: she looks like a twelve-year-old’s take on what a hip hop starlet would wear
Riese: fur coat
baseball cap
oh she’s practically nicki minaj

what the fuck does this chick think she’s doing with that haircut and that fur

Romi’s had just about enough of established musicians like Rihanna and Madonna stealing the stage at her club appearances. Why’s she wasting her time introducing other people’s music when she could be introducing her very own song?

Romi: “I do a lot of club appearances, and I think it would be nice to have something that was mine, now I’m trying to have fun with another creative side of me.”

and while we’re at it, i’ve also always wanted a pony, too

Romi interviews that her Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a songwriter/producer and used to write songs in the car, which’s basically like Romi growing up on Bob Dylan’s lap. My Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a high school track coach and you don’t see me doing sprints in the backyard, but whatever. Romi also claims to have experienced the completely unique and totally remarkable sensation of wishing she was the one on stage while watching other humans perform musically.

no i just wanna do the like, lip syncy thingie that britney does, can you make that happen

Romi: “My thing to every work opportunity right now is YES.”

It’s also her answer to every ex-boyfriend, coincidentally — Romi plans on laying down her slick beats with none other than the world-famous Dusty Ray of my favorite tumblr, dustyandromi dot tumblr dot com!

Once upon a time, Romi was just the rock star’s girlfriend, drooling in the front row with her Miracle Bra and chunky rings and whiskey flask but we’ve all grown/changed so much since then, haven’t we?

in my face

Erika and Mercado are concerned regarding Romi’s mike-holding skills. I’m sure Jay could testify that she’ll do just fine with it.

this is not how you hold a microphone

Romi interviews that she dated Dusty Ray six years ago.

Riese: 6 years ago?
um, i thought that she hadn’t dated men in 8 years
Laneia: she is such a raging twat
Riese: seriously do the people who make this show think we’re total idiots?
i’m not being hyperbolic this is a a real question
she said it’d been eight years since she dated a guy like two episodes ago
Laneia: puppppyyyy

Real L Word Episode 306 Recap: Lost In A Bush (That’s What She Said!)

Hello and welcome to the sixth recap of the third season of Showtime’s hit series, The Real L Word, a 30-minute sitcom about a spunky young girl with pigtails, day-glo leggings and multi-colored outfit situations who is abandoned in a Chicago shopping center by her mother and subsequently adopted by Henry, the kindly manager of the building she’d found to squat in. Eventually she opens a hoppin’ burger establishment at the local mall and throughout the series deals with tough pre-teenage and teenage issues such as buying your first bra, being a tomboy, bullies, getting trapped in an old refrigerator, dodging Child Protective Services and fighting swamp monsters.

L to R: Whitney, Amanda, Lauren & Romi (the dog in the middle ate everybody’s little dog so he represents all the little dogs)

I don’t know about y’all, but I’m ready to rock this recap! Not really, I’d really rather discuss how the fuck True Blood is gonna wrap up their crazy-ass season in next week’s finale, right? Jesus. Also we interviewed Lauren and Amanda, a.k.a. “Lamanda.”

Anyhow, this week The Real L Word treated us to yet another Dinah Shore-centric hour of sapphic solipsism, in which someone curled up and took a nap on wet asphalt, someone twisted her ankle stepping off a curb, someone passed out on the bathroom floor for three hours mid-day and someone met Miley Cyrus at The Coffee Bean. Hey, who wants to see a sexy picture of Vero?

Sorry about the lateness of this recap, Intern Grace had a special weekend which led to me not getting all the screencaps ’til this morning (Monday), and also because of the cram she didn’t have time to give them all cute names. We apologize and have nothing but love for you and each other forever and ever as so it was written, amen.

We open in the sweltering wildlands of Palm Springs, California, where an enormous group of intoxicated lesbians are enjoying each other’s nipples while rocking softly to the beat of insufferable pop music. Also, Kacy and Cori are re-entering the world they’ve shunned for many moons in the most violent way possible.

DINAH!

whaddya say we bust this popstand and go emotionally eat at in-and-out instead

Kacy notes that Dinah appears to be “like a club” but “during the day.”

Kacy: “It was a little bit like walking into an alternate universe.”
Cori: “Where men did not exist, and neither did clothes. I felt out of place with my clothes on.”

Tell it like it is, Nikki Weiss:

oh no she wouldn’t

The two well-insulated ladies make their way through the hordes of women not dressed for winter and are stopped by Real L Word fans who wanna take pictures with The Celesbians Kacy and Cori. Oh wait — is everybody here clear on the definition of “Celesbian”? Let me refresh your memory:

and a bluebird is a bird that’s blue

Get it? Okay, good. So, as I was saying, Cori & Kacy are spotted by fans amid the throngs of gyrating g-strings and roped into a Kodak Moment.

hot pink bikini is going to tag the hell out of this photograph

And thus KayCor are forced to grapple with the inevitable questions:

Fan #1: “I’m planning on getting pregnant myself.”
Cori: “Really?”
Fan #1: “But like, when we saw that episode with you guys doing like, that thing, like did it work?”
[awkward pause]
Cori: “Uh, it did work. I lost her at five months.”
Fan #1: “Oh G-d, that’s the worst feeling in the world, I can’t imagine.”
Fan #2: “But keep trying.”

Womp womp.

Back in Le Chateau De Lamanda & Whitney & Sarahara, Sara and Lauren are sticking colored pencils into their eyeballs while Amanda informs Lauren that she heard from a girl who heard from another girl who heard from Hunter Valentine that Kiyomi lives with her girlfriend. But Lauren heard from Kiyomi herself that the “thing” with Ali is “sorta done.”

Amanda: “But every girl says that.”
Lauren: “Duh! It’s not like I’m like ‘Oh! I believe you!’“

duh, everybody knows that it’s really not butter

Amanda won’t let it go and Lauren reassures her that she’ll get this whole fascinating mess cleared up, and Whitney says that as Lauren’s friend she’ll support whatever decision she makes. That’s easy for Whitney to say ’cause unlike Amanda, she hasn’t ever found her arm halfway up Lauren’s vaginal canal… yet.

remember what i told you about how to get on season four and everything will be okay, grasshoppers

Everybody laughs and explodes and turns into ghost ninjas.

and the scent of kiyomi’s vagina lingered all day long

Meanwhile, Kacy and Cori are still perched precariously on the lips of the mouth of hell, wondering what the hell they’re doing at Dinah Shore.

Kacy: “It’s not that I’m not happy to be here but it’s just like, I would rather be at the hospital, exhausted, knowing that in a month we were gonna have a baby.”
Cori: “I feel it too, it’s hard. We’re not where we’re supposed to be.”
Kacy: “We can get there.”
Cori: “Dinah!”
Kacy: “I wonder if anybody else is having the same conversation that we’re having right now.”
Cori: “I think we’re the biggest Debs here.”

but only because claire didn’t show up

At this point, the couple makes the only decision one can really make under such circumstances:

Kacy: “We’re gonna drink through it.”

coincidentally, this happens to be the exact strategy i employ to endure watching this show

Kacy takes one sip of what’s likely a $9 cup of fruit punch and basement-shelf tequila, declares it horrible and then declares herself drunk. Let’s rock!

helloooo instagram

We then return to the Main Pool Area, where Somer and Donna are smooching, Laura’s carrying Vero around like a baby kangaroo, Sara’s kissing Amanda, and Somer is doing her very best to adapt to her surroundings.

play her like a guitar

I believe Dinah is especially challenging for New Yorkers, who would never, not ever, not in a million trillion bazillion years, intentionally attend an event of this nature on their home soil.

here kiss me before kiyomi sees us and tries to talk to us

Based on the six years I lived in New York City, I’d say that many New York lesbians tend to be the type that haven’t bothered buying a swimsuit in five years and only dig out the two-piece when somebody forgets how long it took to get to Coney Island last summer and ropes everyone in to a repeat excursion.

Somer: “Dinah, it’s not normally you know, my bag of tea or whatever — cup of tea? I don’t drink tea.”

smoking tea, on the other hand

But Somer’s happy to be there ’cause of the Hunter Valentine gig. Laura asserts that Hunter Valentine plans on rocking everybody’s bras off, which sounds neat.

and then sell the nice ones on ebay

Back on The Other Part of The Dinah Pool Party Area, Romi & Kelsey show up and are greeted with open arms by KayCor, who ask how the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game went and Romi explains how, once again, the universe’s axis lay between Romi’s legs and the entire world just revolved around her, being mean, like witches sticking carrots in people’s faces.

Romi: “Lauren signed up to go on a date with [Kelsey].”
[pauses, dramatically]
Romi: “They set us up. I’m like, can you guys get away? Why are you always there? and I just stood there watching the girl that I hate sign up to go on a date with my girlfriend…. it’s just — the nicest way to put it is that they’re very bully-ish.”
Kelsey: “They’re just bullies guys, it’s really sad.”

i don’t even bring pop-tarts in my lunch anymore because what’s the point, they always steal them

Romi interviews that she’s so glad Kacy & Cori are at Dinah, ’cause it’s nice to be around a “nice couple.” The implication is that Romi is nice and mature, and all the other girls are bitchy and immature, which is a valid point (about the bitchiness and the immaturity), but also who gives a fuck.

Meanwhile, said bitchy girls are exploring the swelling sexual tension inherent in every group of mojito-scented Dos-Equis-chugging hot lesbians in bikinis!

sara just saved 25 cents on q-tips

Lauren: “I don’t know why I’m sucking on Sara’s earlobes but Dinah fever is in me.”

Sara comes in her pants and Whitney’s pumped for “a big orgy later tonight.” The theme will be “The Story of O.”

Whitney: “I’m kinda turned on by the thought of you [Sara] getting it into Amanda, not gonna lie.”

but i’ve also been known to get off from stretching at the gym, so really it’s anybody’s game

Cori is wasted and stuffs her head into Kacy’s bosom and all is sunshine and beauty.

Cut to a number of hours earlier and later wherein it’s time for Hunter Valentine’s performance! Romi spies the band preparing to perform and is disturbed by their presence.

do you see that rock band, david? you know they’ve never been friends to me or mother. not one hello from them, not since jackie died

Romi interviews that she doesn’t know who Hunter Valentine is. I hope they know who Romi is, ’cause she hates it when people don’t know who she is.

Romi: “…based on the fact that they are friends with Lauren and Whitney and Sara, G-d knows what they said about me, so I’m not gonna walk in and watch somebody perform that’s just gonna think I’m like, this bitch.”

in which romi and kelsey are letting the terrorists win

One of the many hazards of Being The Center Of the Universe is that at rock concerts, all the musicians are really thinking about is you, because duh, everybody is thinking about you. Like you wish you could just enjoy a performance but the performers are like, obsessed with you. You know? That’s what it’s like to be Romi, the Atlas Of the Modern World.

Romi dramatically yanks Kelsey through the crowd like she’s Justin Bieber and zips into her room, anxious to the max. “Let’s just order,” she says. Music to my ears!

this is hands down also my favorite place to be during dinah shore

Oh, these are ladies after my own heart, really. I love hotels and 95% of the time would rather be drinking/laughing/smoking with my friends in a hotel room, rolling around on sheets we’re not responsible for laundering, than be outside in the sticky-sweaty sunshine with People Who Enjoy Socializing.

While Romi and Kelsey debate which incidentals they’d like to consume, Hunter Valentine gets ready to rock in the sweltering sunlight of the Dinah mainstage.

raise your glass

The Drunk Lesbians enjoy the show but perhaps nobody’s enjoying the show quite like Lauren’s enjoying the show:

Lauren: “When I first met Kiyomi I thought she was attractive but then they go on stage and they play, she was so hot, and then hearing her voice, it was like, wow.”

Truth: there is nothing sexier than watching your loved one play a musical instrument, which is one of many reasons why all my girlfriends have been excellent instrument-players (the primary reason is “coincidence”). Look, even Amanda likes it:

don’t let any of that drool land on amanda’s shoulder

Or maybe not.

this photo could possibly actually be from the wet t-shirt contest (also note the girl from the williamsburg bar behind lauren)

Turns out that seeing Kiyomi rock out with her cock out gets Lauren hard like Swiss Chard:

Whitney: “I could practically see Lauren’s full-on erection for Kiyomi just waving in the wind by the end of the performance she like, blew her load on herself.”

is it true that i came in my pants? i don’t know.

As you’re already aware, Kelsey & Romi have retired to their hotel room, sneakily foiling the CIA-implanted chip in Romi’s left thigh that enables them to follow her with spider trackers.

who’s at the door? who’s at the door? whooooos atttt tttthhheee dooorrrrr

So, Cori’s trashed. Which is actually a huge relief because she seems happy, at last. All of them do, all four of them.

Kacy: “When Cori gets tipsy, she has an alter ego and uh, Romi gets introduced to partial Coco. Coco At dusk. Kelsey got bent over, Coco style. It’s happened to all of us. She doesn’t really know you unless she’s bent you over and slapped your ass.”

Indeed: Coco Lite, beautifully wasted, thrusts Kelsey into a prone, stomach-to-the-mat position in which Coco Lite can properly smack Kelsey’s ass like she’s ready for some Canyon Yodeling, if you know what I mean.

is anybody here interested in pony play

Romi: “She’s making you a bottom, baby.”

For your reference, this is Coco Full-On:

Then Kacy interviews that “you looked light, for the first time in a long time you just looked light,” and Cori says that she felt light. She felt light!

little lightworker

I think that’s the thing about Dinah — it’s so grotesque and over-the top, and its attendees are so uproariously irresponsible that anything, any kind of behavior at all, is automatically deemed sensible because there’s no way what you’re doing is less acceptable than what anyone else is doing, anywhere. It’s a giant rollocking excuse to just let go of absolutely everything. You can’t feel guilty for kissing a girl you just met or getting super-drunk when two strangers with tequila fumes radiating from their pores are making out on-stage without shirts on while others wrestle topless in a kiddie pool drowning in vegetable oil.

You just let go, and then you feel light. Cori deserves to feel light. So does Kacy. Sookie should give them some light:

Real L Word 305 Recap: I Wasn’t Expecting This To Be So Bitchy

Hello and welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour family sitcom about a teenage witch who, on her 16th birthday, learns that she has magical powers. Along with her 500-year-old European witch-aunts and her sardonic talking cat, Salem, Sabrina works to master the ancient arts of witchery while keeping her identity a secret and tackling teenage issues like learning how to drive, picking a college, earning your witch’s license and opening a jar of spaghetti sauce.

L to R: Laura, Sara, Slab of Man, Slab of Man #2, Whitney, Romi, Amanda, Slab of Man #3

This week on The Real L Word, we all journeyed to the world famous Dinah Shore Weekend in Palm Springs, California, which’s basically a Star Trek Convention but with lesbians.

Sometimes after writing a recap, I’m like, “this shit is fucking hilarious,” but throughout the entire process of writing this recap, I’ve felt like this shit is not remotely funny, I hope next week is more inspiring. I’m sorry I hope you still LOL at least once.  Here’s the thing: nothing’s happening, so everybody’s plotline is just people talking shit about other people. When I read over what I’ve written, I feel like I sound just as petty and bitchy as the show itself. It’s fun to make fun of people acting crazy or weird, but it’s difficult to make fun of people acting bitchy. Does that make sense? THIS IS HARD.

Oh also, to all the people who keep asking why I recap something if I hate it, the answer is that it makes people laugh and feel happy, and I feel like the natural human instinct when you’re told something you do makes people happy, is to do it. Right? If you’re able to. I think that’s what we’re all here to do. Also, it’s the traffic, stupid! It can be a pure motive. We do some things so that we can do some other things. Seriously I’ve recapped four seasons of The L Word, two seasons of Glee and three seasons of The Real L Word and one episode of Two and a Half Men — if I had a dollar for every time somebody asked me why I recap a show I hate, I could gather enough dollars to smash together a big dollar ball of dollars, and throw it at your head! I’ve also recapped good shows, like Pretty Little Liars and Skins, that’s a whole different ballgame. Anyhow enough about me, there are all of these slightly more interesting people ready to tell you Their Stories!

Also we made a video, it’s a Whitney Mixter Self-Inquiry Supercut, and it’s kinda amazing.

We open in Silly Los Angeles, California, where Lauren is sitting at the table with a camera crew when Amanda, who has recently dipped her head into a vat of cake batter and then fallen asleep in a walk-in refrigerator, shows up at the thwarted homezone to break some unexpected news to Lauren — she’s getting back together with her ex-girlfriend and possibly re-re-locating to New York City.

1. what happened to your hair, 2. what happened to your shirt

Lauren: “I would hope that like, if you’re gonna move back, that you would give me like, advance notice so I can find another roommate and stuff.”
Amanda: [in an “oh, jeez” voice] “Woof…”

stop trying to make “woof” happen

Lauren: “What?”
Amanda: “I don’t know, that’s just like so extreme.”

You think that’s extreme, just wait ’til she dares to request that Amanda clean her room before moving out!

look the two of us together is just too much edgy hair for one relationship

Lauren presses for more details, Amanda responds with abstractions and Jesus Christ on a Cracker I always feel like we’re missing a big piece of the Lamanda story! Anyhow, Lauren wants to know when Amanda would potentially move out. Amanda’s not sure:

for example; when does filming for this show end?

Amanda interviews that she’s disappointed that Lauren isn’t throwing a Relationship Reunion Pretty Party for her and her ex-girlfriend.

Amanda: “It’s like she’s jealous or something.”

Lauren notes that Amanda lies a lot, and then Amanda’s hair catches on fire and the whole entire house burns down. Just kidding! I was confusing this show with a house fire.

Back in Lovely Long Beach, California, Kelsey and Romi are fudgepacking their clamsacks in preparation for their very first Dinah Shore together as a couple!

and sara’s dead body is enormous!

It’ll also be their first sober Dinah, a fate I wouldn’t wish upon Maggie Gallagher, as I personally failed to find a way to tolerate Dinah without ingesting at least three drugs and two drinks every 45 minutes. That was our first trip to Dinah. On our second trip to Dinah, I didn’t do drugs or have two drinks every 45 minutes, but shit got real.

Romi: “Dinah Shore is the weekend that all the lesbians from all over the world fly in to party and it does feel a little bit like high school spring break…. it’s really just a place for people to get wasted and fuck each other. Like people break up with their girlfriends just to go to Dinah and fuck other people, and then get back from Dinah Shore and get back with their girlfriend.”

but me and kelsey prefer to stay home at the farm, milking cows and/or each other

Romi The Sober Grownup explains that she’s attending Dinah Shore for work, because she is Famous and Important:

Romi: “I was invited to host and attend events as a celesbian. A celesbian is a lesbian that’s a celebrity, and they’re very rare. There’s not a whole lot of us. So, I have work to do.”

SURPRISE!

via straddlegifs.tumblr.com

She’s right, celesbians are very exotic and rare, like Leatherback Sea Turtles and Chinese Alligators.

save these endangered species

Romi suggests they try this weekeend to “have fun and like, stay out of as much drama as possible,” ’cause Romi has this routine where every time she goes anywhere, ever, she must first announce her intention to avoid drama and relay her conviction that such avoidance is indeed possible.

as opposed to what we usually do, which is to start a lot of drama and attempt to remain as miserable as possible

Furthermore:

Romi: “We’re sticking together all weekend if you leave me out there alone for the wolves to get me I will fucking murder you.”

Yikes.

baby they’re just a bunch of wolves on V, you can totally fix that with your glowy faerie thing

Romi interviews that she prays her rascally alkie ex-besties can avoid over-imbibing at Margaritaville and subsequently attacking Romi, ’cause it’s challenging to avoid drive-by attacks when the entire world revolves around you, you know? It’s like you’re everywhere!

Kelsey: “I’m trying to be respectful of Romi and I want to make her happy and if she doesn’t want me around certain people, then I’m not gonna be around certain people. Romi is usually right about certain people, so.”

Whatever you think about these two, Kelsey thinks Romi is the bee’s knees, that much is clear, and it’s kinda adorable.

like she totally called it about that kony guy

Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metro area, Kacy and Cori are meeting up with the newly engayged Whitney & Sarahara to discuss Dinah Shore Weekend, which Kacy and Cori are unfortunately planning to attend, escaping their Emily Dickinson lifestyle for something more up Emily Fitch’s alley.

Whitney and Sarahara (who is operating a secret refugee ladder for oppressed termites via the extension cords dangling from each of her tender ears) say they hope KayCor are planning to attend the demented pool party from hell, especially the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game they’ll be hosting.

Whitney: “People are competing to win dates with [Romi and Kelsey.] I don’t know why…”
Sara: [FACE]

blow job face

Kori: “Are you not talking to Romi anymore?”
Whitney: “No, we have abandoned negative people in our lives, Romi is one of them. She has done shady things —”
Sara: “Even last time and what happened was, we were supposed to be friends at that time and me and Whitney had gotten in a fight but she knew how much I loved Whitney even if we weren’t like perfect, you know? And she made out with her at the pool and then looked at me like — if she could toss me off a cliff and nobody would know about it, she would.”

Although I’d assumed Kacy and Cori’s facial expressions reflected their immersion in this abyss of bratty boredom, it turns out their tentative exhaustion/disapproval is actually a reflection of their affection for Romi Klinger.

next time let’s just get takeout

Cori: “It’s hard to hear because I love Romi so much. She’s become an actual friend through all of this and she’s constantly checking in with us to see how we’re doing and she’s a great person and to hear anyone talk poorly of anyone I really care about is hard, and I really want to stay neutral — and just they have their own stuff —  but it’s hard because I want to defend her and be like, you’re wrong.”

Kacy and Cori don’t wanna be in the middle of all this, so you know. SCENE.

Back in the deepest depths of depravity vis a vis Brooklyn, Kiyomi and Ali are — surprise — fighting!

where does the kinda-good go?

Apparently Ali did the horizontal mambo with another lady whilst Kiyomi was playing sweet music for the little children of Texas and Ali lied to Kiyomi about where she met said lady, which’s what Kiyomi is latching onto to have an excuse to be pissed at Ali ’cause Kiyomi is “always honest” which’s really, really, really really not true at all, but whatever, I hate both of these people and hope they claw each other’s eyes out and then move to Newark.

Kiyomi: “I don’t care if you fucking fisted a cat, just tell me the truth, and then I don’t care, do you understand? That’s all I care about.”
Ali: “You’re being so aggressive right now because you’re gonna leave again and you wanna be able to do what you want.”

the cat, on the other hand, would care quite a bit

Ali fights with Kiyomi about how they fight too much, and Kiyomi interviews that her inability to commit is due to a recent breakup with a girlfriend-of-two-years who she was totes in love with and was about to move in with who moved to San Francisco for a new job while Kiyomi was on tour without telling Kiyomi.

Kiyomi: “I don’t wanna do that again, I don’t wanna give myself to someone completely to have them just rip me apart and destroy me.”

They yell at each other’s faces for a bit and Kiyomi finishes packing her stuff and it seems like maybe this thing is over. This terrible not-relationship thing. Kiyomi leaves her keys on Ali’s laptop and heads out.

Cut to the next morning in Brooklyn, where Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport before their flight leaves in an hour. In other words, Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport despite the fact that they are definitely gonna miss their flight.

ok you have the spare parts harness and i have the rodeo so i think we’re good to go

Donna: “We’ve gotta rush. There’s still a chance.”

Mhm, that’s what I used to tell myself on the subway at 5:55 when I’d just passed Lorimer and had to be in Midtown by 6. “I’m not late… YET.”

Back in Shifty Los Angeles, California, Whitney and Sara are also packing!

try before you buy

For Sara, “packing” involves scampering around in a thong and see-through bra while Whitney interviews about hanging up her Dinah hoe hat. Look out for that shit on ebay!

Hunter Valentine arrives at the Luxurious Los Angeles International Airport — but Somer is nowhere to be found! This’d be a HUGE deal if they had a show tonight or if the bandleader was an obnoxious asshole and unfortunately the latter is in fact the case. Kiyomi interviews that she’s disappointed that they’ve been “given such a great opportunity” but “can’t be professional about it” which’d make sense if the “opportunity” was “getting a ride to Dinah right now” instead of what it actually is, which’s “playing a show tomorrow afternoon, at which Somer will absolutely be present.” So like none of this even makes sense! They should hire a monkey for the cast. Just to scamper around. Or maybe a talking horse?

wait dude is that an auntie annie’s because if so can you hold up a sec while i go get a cinnamon situation

Laura: “I think we should just leave.”
Kiyomi: “And not wait for Somer?”
Laura: “Nope.”
Vero: “We’re just gonna leave her?”
Kiyomi: “Yup. I’m outta here.”

Kiyomi’s one of those people who looks for reasons to get upset. Like she’s already upset, all the time, so she just wanders the universe with her orb of anger, looking for excuses to share it with the world.

Kiyomi: “I just think it’s one more thing on the scorecard for Somer.”
Vero: “You know what guys, could we not make it a big issue, I swear. ‘Cause I cannot make it a big issue, like the whole keyboard thing on tour.”

just smile pretty and watch your back, vero

Vero interviews:

Vero: “I feel bad that Donna and Somer are not gonna get a ride to Dinah Shore with us, but it’s Kiyomi’s band and she calls the shots.”

I wanna be in Vero’s band where Vero calls the shots! It could be called Hey Vero.

Real L Word 304 Recap: Scissor Sisters Meet Tongue Twisters

Hello and welcome to the fourth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour sitcom about an intelligent yet mischevious teenage girl struggling to carry entire flower bouquets on her head via Giant Floppy Hats while dealing with an absent mother, working musician father, an allegedly charming dumb jock brother with a lot of hair on his head and a recovering alcoholic older brother. Along with her idiotic-but-hot best friend named after the number of beers her father ingested prior to her conception, she struggles with very special teenage issues like buying tampons, going to second base, peer pressure and marijuana joints.

L to R: Romi, Kelsey, Lauren, Vero, Kiyomi (stylist: romi klinger)

This week on The Real L Word, everybody cried and everything hurt and I was mostly bored! Are you also bored? Just saying, last week my recap didn’t even get 100 comments, so. Anyhow, I feel like this recap isn’t as funny as usual, but I’d like to blame that on the rain that was falling and mostly on Ilene Chaiken and/or the patriarchy. #BOTP.

Two announcements: we’re raising money and need your support and we interviewed Somer and I think you’ll like it.

We open deep in the bowels of California’s intellectual epicenter: Hollywood, California. Here our newlyengayged couple’s prepping for a trip to San Jose to blindside Sara’s Portuguese parents with news of their impending nuptials.

so that’s a definite “no” on the wake-and-bake at your parent’s house?

Sarahara interviews that her parents grew up on a tiny island with one donkey, three dirt roads, a duck pond large enough for only 1.5 ducks and a ramshackle grocery store that only sold rice and wide-ruled notebooks. There were no gay people on this island so therefore Sarahara’s parents know nothing of the gays and their wedded ways.

we’re talking ‘lord of the flies’ type shit here, guys

Whitney’s struggling to select which neutral-toned top, jeans, and stupid hat she’ll don for the big trip:

Whitney: “I can’t with this outfit, I’m not feeling confident —”
Sara: “You look — change your shoes, if that’s the problem —”
Whitney: “— and I need to feel confident because — I think it’s my pants —”
Sara: “No, I love your pants, there’s nothing wrong with your pants.”
Whitney: “I think it’s my shirt. I feel like I wanna look like, presentable.”
Sara: “You look like a 15-year-old little skater boy.”

she was a skater boi, she said ‘see ya later boi’, she wasn’t good enough for her, she had a pretty face but her head was up in space, she needed to come back down to earth

Whitney interviews that weddings are “a whole thing” in Portugal but Sarahara’s unlikely to fit into her parents’ vision of matrimony ’cause she’s marrying a woman. What woman is she marrying?

not that other guy in the corner, he’s just here to hold the boom

We then segue somberly back to The House of Sad and Fog, where Kacy and Cori are lying in bed, as they’ve done every day since their whole world imploded.

Kacy: “Cori and I have gotten used to just being here, with each other. It’s been uh, pretty difficult, damn near impossible, to leave the house.”
Cori: “Our lives have just stopped, and we’re shattered, we’re so broken. I just wanna crawl in a hole and pretend that this isn’t my life.”
Kacy: “We are both broken-hearted and sad, and we are there together, sitting there in the pit of hell, and I wouldn’t wanna be in there with anybody else but her.”

:-(

We cut jarringly cross-country, where Amanda and Lauren have landed in New York City for a few days of fun that’ll ideally cure Amanda’s fatal case of The Homesickness.

look it’s the statue of liberty!

The Twirlable Twosome are crashing at a dog-urine-soaked Brooklyn pad inhabited by somebody’s male friend and as Amanda showers, Lauren once again interviews to explain that Amanda and Lauren both had girlfriends when they lived in New York and now they’re both single at the same time and they’ve never been single at the same time before and REALLY DO WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, I quit.

this is the first time we’ve ever walked down a hallway with suitcases without girlfriends

“This is our first time out in New York, single,” Lauren explains, ’cause their situation requires (apparently) constant explanation. “This is our first time eating pancakes, single,” “This is our first time accidentally taking the N train to Queens, single,” “This is our first time shampooing our dogs, single.”

Amanda says she’s got some errands to run and will be back in an hour. Hopefully she’ll return with the rest of her shirt.

this is what happens if you lean back on a chair coated in super glue

Elsewhere in New York City, Hunter Valentine are returning from Tour!

Kiyomi: “South by Southwest was awesome, we did a really good job, we busted our asses, but there were some altercations, for every show that Somer sounded really good, there was another show that was a complete catastrophe.”

I really wish this show would embrace the ‘show don’t tell’ ethos, but I suppose that’s unlikely when nobody wants your cameras in their venues.

remind me again who my regional rep in this city is

Somer returns to her lady-love, Donna, and her two dogs, one of which appears to have eaten a third dog or maybe just a very large houseplant, and is relieved to descend into her wife’s arms, far away from Kiyomi’s menacing facial expressions and a van that smells “like fish.”

school’s out for somer

Somer interviews that after being On Tour, she totally understands how Odysseus felt:

Somer: “All I could think about was just being at home with her cuddling in bed, and she’s always there for me to bounce ideas off of and give me a good perspective and those were all things that I really craved while I was on the road.”

I think that’s ultimately the thing, you know? I mean, there’s sex. You miss the sex when you’re away, but more than that you miss the person who has been processing all your feelings with you for howevermany years, the person who gets you and usually agrees with you and can tell you if you’re being stupid or the other guy is being stupid. It’s the only situation in which life partner seems like the most accurate term to describe the person you miss and love.

who’s next, mama is hungry

Somer explains that when you’re out there on the road with a vicious womanbeast, Smee and Vero The Coolest Cucumber, everything’s just “naked and bloody” and nobody is polite and it’s hard. Somer and Donna have lots of processing to do about whether or not Somer should stay in Hunter Valentine.

We cut cross-country to Sunny San Jose, California, the city Kayak always suggests I fly out of when I’m hunting for cheap plane tickets. What Kayak doesn’t know is that I don’t have a car, so like, I can’t just go to San Jose on a whim in my Lexus with my fiancé or something, like these guys:

this calls for some solid daytime drinking

Sarahara says they’ve got news. Mãe and Pai strike out once with “you’re moving to San Jose,” and then again with “you’re pregnant.” The latter prediction is totally ominous, obviously. They’ve got no idea what’s about to happen.

even better: this bitch with the dredlocks is never gonna get me pregnant. how’s that?

In a surprisingly hilarious twist of fate, Whitney’s got no fucking clue what’s going on ’cause they’re all talking in Portuguese, forcing Whit to simmer in nervousness while chugging red table wine and laughing politely at what seem to be the appropriate moments.

Sara: “I’m nervous.”
Mrs. Sara [in Portuguese]: “What is it? You’re not expecting a baby, are you?”
Sara [in Portuguese] : “She asked me to marry her.”

Whitney, who — keep in mind — has no idea what’s been said, smiles nervously as Mr. Sara chuckles benevolently and Mrs. Sara’s face crumples and it’s really sad. You can’t even be mad at Mrs. Sara, because you can see her entire vision of her daughter’s future dissolve into a big black nothing and you can see that she is mourning this life and probably wishes she could mourn it off-camera. Sometimes it’s important to take a step back from our knee-jerk self-righteous indignation at anybody who doesn’t embrace our sexuality and recognize that “accepting” doesn’t have to mean “immediately embracing.”

kinda wishing sara’s announcement had been fetus-related

Sara: “Do you guys love me?”
Mrs. Sara: “I love you very much Sara —” [stumbles on her words]
Sara: “Are you sad?”
Mrs. Sara: “Well.” [pauses] “Old-fashioned.” [looks down]
Sara: “What do you think? What does that mean?”

Whitney interviews:

Whitney: “So yeah I’m not 100% well-versed on Portugese but I’m pretty well versed on the look of shock and dismay and tears. That’s a dead giveaway. She’s not 100% happy about this.”

who’s a genius? this guy.

Sara sort of purrs and hugs her Mom and tells her she loves her over and over as her mother stares at her fork and her lap and everything but Whitney, who at least shares a kind broment with Mr. Sara.

Mr. Sara: “I love my daughter, and I will do everything for her to be happy. And we really like Whitney and she’s a very nice person.”

four for you, mr. sarahara

Some Sadistic fuck takes this opportunity to interview Mrs. Sara, who clearly needs more emotional support than an exploitative television camera could offer:

Mrs. Sara: “This is a big surprise for me. It’s not easy. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m saying this but it’s not easy.” [starts sobbing]

the saddest song

Mrs. Sara: “I never believe in gay marriage. I thought marrying is for woman and a man. Plus it’s not only me, really I don’t believe my family is going to the wedding. They all love me very much. Very much. very close family. But I don’t think they’d do that, even for me.” [starts crying again]

Back in New York Shitty, Lauren’s peeved ’cause Amanda said she’d be back in an hour and now it’s been three hours and she still isn’t back!

hi yeah, i’m calling because i used your shampoo and now my hair is pink? do you know anyplace i could get this fixed?

I believe we’re being set up to think Amanda is riding somebody’s hobby horse in a secret playpen and Lauren’s being overly possessive but seriously guys, don’t tell somebody to expect you in an hour and then go MIA, it’s ultra-rude, especially if you’re allegedly on a vacation together and have plans later.

The Real L Word Episode 303 Recap: Love Lost Its Way And Ended Up On This Show

Hello and welcome to the star-studded Autostraddle recap of the third episode of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour musical television program about a teenage rock group who fill their days performing enthusiastic cover songs at The P*lace and discussing serious issues such as schoolyard crushes and peer pressure.

L to R: Kacy, Cori, Romi, Sara, Whitney

This week on The Real L Word, everybody cried, Whitney dove from an airplane into a serene pool of heavily chlorinated water, Romi wore eighteen earrings in one ear and an entire mountain range on a necklace and Lauren and Amanda explored the seedy sexual underbelly of Los Angeles’ Booth Babes subculture. Also, Ilene Chaiken broke into a stock footage factory and was so impressed with clips of Los Angeles at Night and Austin Streets at Dawn that she infused the episode with 65% more stock footage than usual. Also, an alligator ate Somer’s arm and Kiyomi refused to pay for it. Let’s begin!

We open in Sunny Los Angeles, where the brilliant morning sunshine casts its generous rays across the newlyengayged couple, Sarahara and Whitney.

and you give me morning sickness

Clearly we’re all chomping at the bit for more footage of Sarahara and Whit-me’s naked weheartishly-lit mornings, so this scene was not even at all slightly boring.

look, it’s like we’re little swans in a meadow, and i can do you up the butt

Sarahara interviews that she really enjoyed the Energy Healer Lifeshram Goobaroo Incense Hemp Moon Voodoo Party last week.  All her chakras are aligned:

Sara: “It was really beautiful. Out of all the different engagement stories that I’ve heard of, this by far was the most creative and brilliant that I’ve heard.”

Oh really?

Was it really, Sara? Was it better than this?

obvs, ben, duh

How about this? Was it better than this?

yes, i do… want to smash you like a little bug

How about this?

this proposal is not dolphin-safe

No but really, was it better than this? It wasn’t!

+

Ultimately, if it wasn’t this (below), then you’re doing it wrong:

win

We stumble forward in a Southernly direction to Kiyomi’s vagina JUST KIDDING to a hotel room in San Antonio, where Somer’s repairing her ailing keyboard and Kiyomi is doing the conversational equivalent of masturbating in front of the bathroom mirror.

how the heck did waldo get into this keyboard, little stripey motherfucker

Kiyomi and Vero flip enthusiastically through a notebook containing a cornucopia of temporary tattoos while Somer seeks positive affirmations regarding saving the band “like 400 dollars in repairs.”

Kiyomi: (to Vero) “She was gonna have to pay for it anyway. It’s not the band’s repairs.”
Somer: (In the other room) “I get like zero percent love for fixing this.”

Kiyomi’s busy covering her hickeys with temp tattoos while my Canadian girlfriend is busy discussing how Americans don’t abbreviate “Veronica” as “Vero” and how it’s really pronounced Vair-oo and how Vero is definitely Francophone. [UPDATE: she isn’t, see here]

now you have to promise never to let pam feed on you again

Back in the Industrial Backlots of Sunny Los Angeles, California, Romi and Rose are hitting up Jeffery’s Warehouse Salon for Rose’s hair to lose its virginity.

or like some bleached romi with a mohawk

Quick time out: So, Rose is getting her hair done on a folding chair in a warehouse. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Of course you are:

let’s tent it

At a suspiciously convenient moment, Ruby rings Rose to gossip about Whitney and Sara’s engagement, which Rose consequently conveys to Romi, and you can see for at least ten seconds that Romi does care, actually, a little bit, but very much wishes she didn’t. Not because Romi wanted to marry Whitney, but because she wants to marry somebody and soon, I think, and nobody wants their non-committal confirmed Bachelorette ex-girlfriend to marry before they do.

1. well he did drink a lot of beer before going down on me, 2. haha what if jay gave me a yeast infection?!!, 3. lord that shit itches

Romi: “Wait wait, engaged? Is that what it was?”
Rose: “What can you say?”
Romi: “It’s beautiful.”
Rose: “I just wish them the best.”
Romi: “I wish them so much happiness.”
Rose: “That’s all you can do.”

Romi interviews that there’s no way Sarahara and Whitney’s mutual fear of eternal-commitment can conquer the burning fire of their sweet sweet love.

Romi: “Do I think that they’ll make it? I don’t know. But I don’t think that anybody needs to go through dating Whitney again or anybody wants to go through dating Sara again, so I pray that they stay together forever ’til death do they part.”

and i put a hit out on both of them, so death will probably be doing them part within a month.

And onward we go to The House of Sad and Fog, where two of the saddest Pandas in all of Los Angeles are attempting to breathe, speak, think, hope, eat, sleep, and/or live despite, I imagine, wanting to crawl into a cave and sob indefinitely. Cori is transporting a rack of unbearably adorable onesies from the closet to her drawer, and so is Kacy, and so we know that what we knew was going to happen has happened.

It’s difficult for me to reconcile a story as heavy as this being wedged between Rose not wanting her highlights to look like some Chola and Kiyomi telling Somer she’s a self-entitled prick.

The couple interviews:

Kacy: “Cori had some bleeding, and so we went to the emergency room and they did an ultrasound but they didn’t check Cori’s cervix, and they sent us home. They said everything was fine and they sent us home. And the next day we went ot our OBGYN who said everything was not fine, Cori’s cervix was opening prematurely, it’s just a condition that’s very rare.”
Cori: “I was five months pregnant.”

Kacy: “We made it through delivery. She came out at 9:12 PM. The first question we asked was, can we put her in an incubator? And she needed two more months.”
Cori: “We were so close.” [sobbing]
Kacy: “She was too little.”

Cori: “She was moving all day, we felt her, she was fine.”
Kacy: “There’s nothing that you could’ve done baby, it was perfect, she was perfect, there’s nothing you could have done.”

What’s beautiful about this, if there’s any beauty to be found in a well this dark and sad, is how dedicated and loving their relationship is, and how you can see Kacy fighting back the urge to completely decompose because she knows Cori has decomposed already, and will continue to, and that she has to keep it together for her. And that Cori knows this, too, and can depend on it.

Cori: “I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this, I’ve never experienced heartbreak and pain like this. I don’t know what I would do without Kacy. I don’t know, I’m just, trying to take things day by day and I don’t know.”

I cried through this scene, big real actual tears.

…and now we return to our regularly scheduled emotional impact, in which nothing is everything and everything is drama, where Kiyomi and Somer are facing off in a Dinosaur vs. Cylon Death Match.

tell me the secret password or I’m not letting you through this door

Kiyomi wants to check the adaptor, or something, and Somer wants to go upstairs and chill and Vero is cool as a motherfucking cucumber and Laura is just being Miley. Also cool as a refrigerated vegetable, Somer leans with exasperation against the elevator as her and Kiyomi throw invisible rocks at each other and Kiyomi makes enormous hand gestures suggestive of a fight that actually matters.

Kiyomi: “I don’t know why you have to be so difficult.”
Somer:  “I don’t know why you have to be such a bitch all the time.”

i’m also stumped, re: this

Kiyomi: “I’m not a bitch! Because you can’t hear your fucking tone and I respond to you with the same tone and you realize — when you’re constantly —
Somer: “I don’t ever give you this kind of attitude -”
Kiyomi: “When you’re constantly rude to people -”
Somer: “You always talk like this to everyone, you talk like we’re –”
Kiyomi: “No I don’t.”
Somer: “Yes you do.”
Kiyomi: “No I don’t!”
Somer: “Why do you think people call you the dictator?”

Um, probably because of that outfit she’s always wearing?

Kyomi and Somer scream gayly forward, breaking all the rules of Lesbian Fight Club, most notably Rule #3.

Kiyomi: “I don’t care.”
Somer: “–because you’re really mean!”
Kiyomi: “No, you know what–”
Somer: “You can be really snippy.”
Kiyomi: “No, you’re a fucking self-entitled little asshole sometimes!”
Somer: “You’re talking about yourself, dude.”
Kiyomi: “No I’m not, you need to check yourself!”
Somer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about dude, I’m laid back and chill.”
Kiyomi: “Okay then talk to the rest of the bandmates and see what they say, you can not go through a day without complaining about a single fucking thing –“

and if you want make-up sex after this, it’s not gonna happen

Somer: “You can’t go through a day without talking to people in a really nasty tone, and I know –”
Kiyomi: “I talk to you exactly the same way–”
Somer: “– and I know it’s your personality, but it’s grating.”
Kiyomi: “I talk to you exaclty the same way you talk to me!”
Somer: “It’s grating, after a while.”
Kiyomi: “Yeah so is your fucking self-entitled little pissy piece of shit attitude!”
Somer: “Alright.”

I’d easily qualify a good 60% of Kiyomi’s vocal utterances as spoken in “a really nasty tone,” and all I’ve heard Somer complain about was when her most valued possession got fucked in a hasty hungover packing situation, but regardless Kiyomi leaves Somer in her dust and fumes forward into the parking lot, speeding like a tampon escaping a crowded vagina, consumed with rage and ego.

Kiyomi: “I’m done!”

no dude of course i cannot help load the van, i’m v.busy discussing how self-entitled i’m not

Kiyomi commences yapping to a semi-interested Laura and a completely disinterested Vero regarding why Somer is the self-entitled one, not her, and the reason is that Kiyomi has put “eight years of blood, sweat, and tears” into her band Hunter Valentine.

Cut to Los Angeles circa March or August 1886, where Miss Amanda and Miss Lauren are transforming your average everyday bedframe/mattress situation into a “pod.” Gripping stuff.

Amanda: “We’re building this thing and we’re calling it a pod because it looks like a giant bed that goes outside. The pod is for laying outside, and you can throw the curtains down and maybe hook up with somebody in some warm weather.”

the pod: your special place for morning, afternoon, evening and all-night wood

This sounds like something that my old buddies at Phi Sigma Kappa might come up with, but whatever. Lauren asks if Britenelle plans to grope Amanda at Plato’s Retreat Pod but Amanda says Britenelle don’t come around here no more.

Amanda: “Lauren really scared Britt off, it was very prevelant that they didn’t get along, like even the energy when they were in the same room together was like… WOOF.”

seriously did somebody let the dogs out, because they’re the stars of this show

Lauren affirms Amanda’s decision like some girls do when the girl they like drops the girl they hate and you have some roundabout psychological explanation for the breakup’s necessity to mask your actual motivation which’s wanting to bang-bang-bang on the door to her baby’s vaginal walls now & forevermore. I retired from that kind of emotional business circa 2006 — both sides —  but these are great reminders of the follies of my youth.

Amanda: “It’s really annoying that Lauren scared her off like that but there’s no point in upsettting lauren, so i’m just not gonna say anything.”

Real L Word 302 Recap: A Leap Of Faith Into a Puddle Of Nonsense

Hello and welcome to the second recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour teen sitcom starring a teenage girl who sports eye-scorching brightly-colored multi-layered outfits and speaks directly to the camera regarding a plethora of Serious Topics such as her first training bra, her annoying little brother, school, boys, and pimples.

Stylist: Romi Klinger

Well, now that we’ve sold our first-born child to Contempo Casuals and strapped on our leggings and high-tops, it’s time to get down to business!

First things first: Autostraddle’s Season Two parody video, edited by the incredibly physically attractive Real L Word extra Sarah Croce and starring famous actors like Autostraddle Design Director Alex Vega and pregnant Season One cast member Jill Goldstein-Weiss, is finally here, and if you’ve yet to bear witness to its excellency, you should either kill yourself or go watch it right now.

Okay, now that we’ve gotten that taken care of — one last tangent before I attempt(/fail) to turn 52 comatose minutes of “television” into something mildly entertaining — the time/space continuum on this show is totally fucked!  I mean, duh, but also, as I realized last week and consequently shared with you in the comments of last week’s recap, last week’s episode contained footage from five different months, and consequently so does this week’s episode and probably so will all the rest of the episodes.

Last week, Hunter Valentine was prepping for South by Southwest, which happened in March 2012, so the Hunter Valentine scenes are all from March 2012.

Romi & Jay were attending a Halloween Party for the LGBT Center, which happened in October 2011, and the photos Kelsey’s looking at on Romi’s facebook are from December 2011, but also, Romi and Kelsey were back together by January 2012 at the latest (they have since broken up and Romi has a new boyfriend named Dusty at present), so the Romi/Jay scenes are all from October/November 2011 and the Kelsey scene is from January 2012.

Cori got pregnant in August 2011, and they said she was four months in last week, so the Cori/Kacy scenes were from December 2011.

The launch party for Lyon Jewelry happened in February 2012, so Lauren’s scenes were shot in February 2012 — but, although Lauren spends that scene interviewing about eagerly anticipating Amanda’s arrival, Amanda was there already, she was at the launch party, so both the Lauren scenes and the Amanda scenes must be from very late January or February 2012.

In conclusion, THIS SHOW IS A LIE. Sorry!

We open in a sunny sidewalk cafè, where Whitney has summoned her sister Alexis to discuss her upcoming Proposal to Sarahara.

but have you ever gotten married… on weed?!!

Whitney’s been having some weird subliminal Moby Dick shit going on:

Whitney: “I’ve had two dreams/nightmares about it in the past two days. Last night, I had a dream that a big giant whale came and it smushed me and I pushed it away to try to save it and to prevent myself from being scrunched, and as I pushed it, it got slit open and it deflated. What does that mean?”

Pretty sure it means y’all should film an episode at Sea World, like when The Brady Bunch went to King’s Island.

Whitney: “So basically, Sara thinks pretty much that I’m 100% anti-marriage. So I feel like in order to really get that zing in, I have to make that proposal completely over the top. So of course I came up with the hardest most complicated plan that is probably unnecessary.”

Girlfriend, getting the zing in is no small task. I salute you.

is seeing dustyandromi.tumblr.com for the first time

The ever-s0-clever Whitney’s smushed together a plan wherein her true intentions (proposal) will be disguised by a “Spiritual Healing Party” she’s throwing. Apparently Sarahara “is really into new age things,” which’s a side effect of living in Los Angeles and being a girl who likes having sex with other girls. If you stay there long enough, your heart will turn into a geode.

three ways of looking like whitney mixter

Whitney spends most of the episode in awe of her own proposal-planning skills. She could’ve just had her server at The Olive Garden bring out the ring on top of a hunk of birthday cake, filmed a lip-dub with 80 of their closest friends or put the ring in a hot air balloon and then had the hot air balloon land on Sarahara’s head, but that wouldn’t be the cowboy way.

Smear on over to New York Diddy, where Kiyomi and her not-girlfriend Ali, in preparation for Hunter Valentine‘s Incredible Amazing Vadgetastic Spectacular Lifetime Monster World Tour, are poking each other in the face. Metaphorically. They’re poking each other in the face with words.

showtime keeps forgetting the “not”

It seems that while Kiyomi was hidden away in the bathroom practicing sexy facial expressions in the mirror, Ali hit up the BBB and returned with three additional closets. Or else they’ve been there all this time and there’s just nothing else to talk about so we’re gonna talk about it right now:

Kiyomi: “I don’t think you need one – two -three – four closets. Just a thought.”
Ali: “Well, that’s just towels and blankets and stuff.”
Kiyomi: “You’re just one person in here. How many towels and blankets do you need?”
Ali: “I have a lot of guests.”
Kiyomi: “Trying to make me jealous? That’s a good idea before I go on tour.”
Ali: “That’s not funny.”
Kiyomi: “Neither was your joke.”

Well, I’m glad we can all agree on something.

because then i’ll try to make you jealous right back, because i’m 12

Kiyomi interviews that due to the “200 days of the year” she’s away from home playing in her rock ‘n roll band, she can’t commit to Ali.

being batman is hard

But Ali’s conflicted between the part of her that cares about Kiyomi and the part of her that is pretending to care about Kiyomi’s career.

Ali: “I want her to be you know, playing as many different shows as possible and getting all different fans from all different states, but I worry. I can’t imagine what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t want to imagine what’s going on.”

I do! Okay, my first guess is that it’s probably like this:

baby baby baby oh!

But then I thought nooooo, it’s gotta be way more like this:

actually it kinda already was like this

Hold the phone, it’s this:

kiyomi, queen of the desert

But by “this” I mean actually THIS:

duh

JK, it’s this.

We zoom over to another street, where hey, hey, the band’s all here! Laura interviews their itinerary, which’ll first take them to Phase One in D.C., then to The Milestone in Charlotte, “where even Nirvana played.” (RIP)

Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.

While Laura packs the van, Somer and Donna say goodbyes and Somer interviews about the perilous future. See, apparently, Somer is a Unicorn who greets the daily dawn by prepping piping hot coffee for her lady-love, dressing her, getting her out the door, and occasionally even packing lunch! Now that she’s off On Tour, Donna will be forced to subsist on Lunchables and Capri Suns or overpriced salads at Pax!

chapstick lesbians

But seriously, they’re gonna be gone for what? A week? 10 days? And this throws “a huge curveball” into their marriage? We’re only at Episode Two and already this is what we’re being served up as “conflict.” Where’s Claire?

towards a better, more entertaining show

Cut to Rainy Los Angeles, where Lauren the Glamazonian Princess Warrior is driving to the airport to retrieve Amanda, her best friend with benefits/eyeliner.

she’s coming on a jet plane, la la la

Lauren’s not obligated to maintain the fourth wall because of how pretty she is. She just drives & talks to the camera, like a walk & talk for ladies.

Lauren: “The last time she visited, we did hook up… but it’s like, it’s not a big deal to us. We’re not starting a relationship, we’re not you know, anything, it’s just casual hooking up, you know, I’m positive nobody’s gonna have any feelings involved. That’s what I’m excited about, having someone around all the time where you can kinda do everything together and not have it be a relationship, it’s just having like your best friend.”

So, basically a relationship, but the kind where if one partner hurts or in some way betrays the other, any constructive communication about said upsetting incident is met with, “it’s not like we’re in a relationship or anything!”, therefore ensuring maximum passive-aggressive behavior between both partners and lots of drunk screaming. Bring it on!

Amanda says she’s got 800 bags. Bitch was lying, she’s got her entire life stored on a computer chip over her left ear:

still dressed for new york

The ladies are ecstatic about their mutual geography:

Lauren: “Lamanda.”
Amanda: “Lamanda’s here. Oh my gosh I’m so excited.”

maybe later lets do this again, but horizontally

Amanda interviews that she left a lady behind in New York City, which was like, one of those things where you’re like, “should I be doing this or should I not be doing this?” but then like, for her, it was that she’s not gonna stay in a city because of a person. You know? Totally.

but will i leave a because of a television show? obvs.

Amanda’s got eight billion outfits in her eight billion bags and will have to use Lauren’s closet. A lot of closet-talk this episode. I’m adding “somebody says ‘closet'” to the drinking game. Tour!

Elsewhere in Los Angeles during some other day, week, year or plague, Whitney’s making shit up about some spiritual healer she knocked boots with at the 2012 Positive Affirmational New Age Convention who can fly, see through walls, and host spiritual healing parties, or something.

and then after we get married, you and i can sit down and really talk about all that spiritual energy you’re hiding in your rectum

Whitney tells Sarahara that the Spiritual Healer does creative visualization and can also cleanse bad energies, like the bad energies whirling about within their gaggle of gal-pals, and therefore Whitney’s planning an event in which they can get this shit taken care of.

Whitney: “Basically, the Academy Award goes to this guy, right here. Sara has zero clue that I’m proposing, and especially not at this random spiritual event.”

watch out gary oldman

Several years earlier in the Los Angeles Metro area, Romi Flinger’s meeting up with Rose Garcia, a Season One cast member who doesn’t like me. No really, she doesn’t. Here’s the thing about Rose: 1. She’s smokin’ hot, 2. She reminds me of dudes I dated in college who I never want to see again. Anyhow, speaking of dudes, Romi Flinger’s got one to talk about:

so, do you suck it like this? or is it more of an up and down motion?

Romi Flinger is telling Rose and anyone else in a 50-foot radius (damn these girls talk loud!) that she’d always considered herself a lesbian until she met Jay, and now she’s dealing with all these new feelings! Except that she first dated Jay in 2009, but maybe everyone got glamoured and I missed it.

and i was like, um, no i can’t put that whole thing in my mouth. sure, if you scrunch it up like this — but then i was like, wait a second, this isn’t mr. bendy

Romi interviews:

Romi: “I would never have said that I was a bisexual honestly. I always considered myself a lesbian but now it’s a weird thing to say because I’m not used to saying it at all and I’m not comfortable with it but I guess I have to say… that I would be… bisexual.”

or else face a public stoning at the palm springs hilton

kerpow

Rose is down:

Rose: “Dude, I don’t care, all I care about is the fact that you’re happy. Whether it’s a penis injecting in you or whether your mouth is on a vagina, whatever’s going on, I mean obviously for me I couldn’t be physical with a guy but I could imagine falling in love with a guy. Love is love, you don’t care —”

I feel pretty much the opposite of that, but anyhow: I wonder if there’s a correlation between how many male friends a lesbian has and how she reacts to a bisexual woman dating a guy. Like maybe lesbros are more likely to “get it” because hanging out with dudes is the way that they live anyhow. You know?

Rose: “You know what I mean, and when it comes to the physical aspects of it –”
Romi: “You are a man.”
Rose: “Me and Jay are on the same team, you’re not on our team. He’s all about the three things that I’m about; WPP. Work Party and Pussy.”

we’re not getting any younger

They actually go on to discuss blow jobs and balls, but let’s just pretend like that never happened.

Somewhere between here and forevermore, Laura’s eating broccoli which’s stinking up the Hunter Valentine van which’s en route to their Big Gig at Phase One.

Laura: “Touring with anybody is intense. And you get to know each other very quickly. It’s an intense situation and personal space is something that you lose.”

but dude i am so close to motherfucking this game of tetris

Vero: “Kiyomi you’re moving around so much, like a little kid! Why don’t you sit in the back?”
Kiyomi: “Shut the fuck up.”
Vero: “You shut the fuck up! Don’t tell me to fucking shut up!”
Somer [to Kiyomi]: “I want you to shut the fuck up too.”

i don’t know about you guys but i’m staying for the open mic

After “driving all day,” the ladies arrive in DC where they play some rock n’roll music for a sea of alternative lifestyle haircuts and subsquently commence drinking copious amounts of alcohol from shot glasses and the bottle. Activities include Laura’s vagina in somebody’s face, Vero dancing like a boss and Kiyomi sucking a girl’s brain out of her body via mouth-hole.

it’s just that everybody keeps saying “tour”

So, here’s the deal: they’ve got hos in different area codes.

Kiyomi: “Laura and have developed a system that we call ‘regional reps,’ and that basically means that you know, when you go to said city, you have a girl that you see in that city every time and that becomes your regional rep for that area. I think we’re doing pretty well with the system, and the band is gonna continue to work hard to find reps in all areas of the country.”

Here’s Washington D.C.’s Regional Rep:

this would be more fun at fangtasia

Kiyomi, mistress of tact, stops her cuddle session short with an “I gotta call my girlfriend,” skulking outside for another adult conversation with her not-girlfriend. Luckily for all of us, a camera crew happens to be at Ali’s pad circa this phone call.

Kiyomi: “What’s been going on with you?”
Ali: “Nothing really.”
Kiyomi: “How are you feeling about me being away?”
Ali: “I just miss you and I wanna see you.”
Kiyomi: “I miss you too. Have you been good?”
Ali: “I’m always good.”

just sitting on my bed being boring, like i do when you’re here

Speaking of balls, Kiyomi interviews that she can’t trust Ali ’cause last time she went On Tour, Ali was “kinda angry” and slept with one of Kiyomi’s friends.

Kiyomi: “And I’m glad, that’s good. I’m trying to trust you.”
Ali: “How do I trust you?”
Kiyomi: [silence] “Hmmm. Well…”
Ali: “I just don’t, right?”
Kiyomi: “Okay, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”

I hope we’re all proud of ourselves for this.

Real L Word 301 Recap: Apples and Oranges and Bananaheads

Welcome to the first recap of the first episode of the third season of The Real L Word, an hour-long drama about a pioneer woman with gigantic sleeves and weird hats who journeys to Colorado Springs to become a doctor at a time when women were not doctors (because of the patriarchy).

note whitney & sara in the front holding the baby they hope to have before marriage

WeHo town, it’s a quiet village, every lay like the one before, WeHo town, full of stylish people, waking up to say … Bonjour! Good day!  How is your gay family? Bonjour! Good day! How is your wife? I need! More sperm! That’s too expensive! I want much more than this Sho-vincial life…  just watch I’m going to make Sara my wife!

There goes the hipster with her hair like always, the same old fashion shows to sell. Every morning just the same, since the morning that we came to this poor reality show –

GOOD MORNING, HELL!

Sheesh. I’m exhausted. Wow. So, The Real L Word! On a scale of one to ten, I found this episode slightly more interesting than the Home Shopping Network.

Just one diversion before we lick our lips and dive in to this moist cave of despair — embarking upon the third season of The Real L Word makes me think back to the third season of Ilene Chaiken‘s other moderately-successful hit Showtime series, The L Word. You remember, don’t you? That glorious march of doom? The season in which the ladykiller finally made a commitment and moved in with her sexy girlfriend and then proposed to her? The season in which we fell to collective pieces in the wake of a tragic and untimely death? The season in which a woman who’d been in a lesbian relationship for the past 8.5 years got in touch with her lingering desire for men? Yes, that season. I hated that season.

this is an actual screencap from when i was recapping episode 310 of The L Word, the answer to “were we ever so young” is “no”

Anyhow, let’s get this shitshow on the road!

We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, where glamorous supergoddess Romi Flinger is cruising past Tuna-Town while talking about herself: she’s been sober for a year, lost a lot of friends, is “madly in love” and is wearing 76 individual pieces of jewelry at the same time including sapphire studs on her interior vaginal walls.

is totally doing kegels right now

Did I mention that Romi Flinger is in love? Well, she is:

i mean, i’m always pretty, but when i’m in love, i’m like extra pretty

Meanwhile, elsewhere on Los Angeles’ labyrinth highway system, Whit-me is driving her car, talking about herself. 

here i am again, bitches

The Pride of West Hollywood has “fallen in love,” which is so “crazy” that she “can’t even wrap her head around it.” Plus, that stupid hat’s in the way.

and it was not all that different from falling into a kiddie pool of creamed corn

Thus we zoom gayly forward accompanied by not only Whit-me and Romi Flinger’s Life Updates, but also by the vexatious vibration of the insufferable BETTY-esque vocals intoning “You got to show me how you move, move, move / if you wanna see my hotel room.” Ain’t that the truth.

rose showing her moves in a hotel room, circa season one

Whit-me and Romi Flinger, seemingly spilling over with desire for their aforementioned lovers, return home — Whit-me, of course, returns to Sahara…

this is how the dementors do it

…and Romi, of course, returns to … men?

no, ilene, this doesn’t count as diversity

Yup.

Romi: “For the past six months, I’ve kind of been living this secret life. I don’t know, it’s time to just, stop.”

and boy did she pick a winner

Indeed, Romi’s been inspired by the nearby camera crews to reveal her present activity partner, Jay, an admission which shocked my socks off only ’cause I thought Romi’s boyfriend this season would be this Dusty character from their special tumblr, and I’d been hoping and praying that Dusty would be a super-awesome smart feminist or something and this storyline would be really enlightening and complicated. HAHAHAHA!

Anyhow, guess what else is ready for its reveal?

rack ’em up

Romi’s boobs! And um, Romi and Jay fucking!

man on the land

Now, bisexual women are glorious humans near and dear to my heart and vagina and former self-identification and personal history and reading list, but MEN, on the other hand? I hate men. Reader, let me be honest with you: this show’s single redeeming factor was its consistent lack-of-men. It rarely subjected me to the thoughts or feelings of modern man, let alone their sexual desires, let alone actual heterosexual sex, which I maxed out on personally between the years of 1998 and 2005 and in any event I could watch heterosexual sex on every other show ever made about anything, ever. Can’t we get one corner of the sky?

[Fun Fact: only 61% of The Real L Word‘s audience is female.]

Meanwhile, The Pride of West Hollywood got so steamy on her way over that she requires an immediate shower and fingerfuck (to wipe off the stench of pussy juice and creamed corn and replace it with the stench of pussy juice and Bath & Body Works).

BANG!

this is also how the dementors do it

Thus the season kicks off with a sex montage of Whit-me/Sahara and Romi Flinger/Jay. Yay! Sexathon forever! Sigh.

Let’s travel to New York City, my home and native land (not really, Michigan is my home/native land, but New York City, where I lived for six years, is the only girl I’ve ever really loved) (besides my girlfriend) (who just said “I feel like a Real L Word widow”), where Hunter Valentine has trekked all the way from the Yukon Yak-and-Harp-Seal-laden lands of Canadia to “make it” as ROCK GODS.

San Dimas High School Rules

Let’s meet the band! First up is Kiyomi, Hunter Valentine’s lead singer:

is also an international fugitive

Kiyomi founded this band with Laura eight years ago. Laura’s on drums:

is also great at making brunch

Vero, no relation to Vemo, is on bass. She’s been in the band for about a year:

is hiding a hickey under that innocent scarf

Last but not least, Hunter Valentine has just added a new keyboardist:

there’s great pussy to be found on youtube

Wait, sorry, wrong picture. New keyboardist:

is that a bird… or a plane? or a plastic bag?

Yup, Somer is another lesbian with a cool haircut giving me perfect-jaw-envy (I’ve got a “weak chin” and thus am obsessed with humans who’ve got amazing jawlines, e.g., Tegan & Sara, Clea Duvall, SOMER BINGHAM). Howevs, as the above streetscape suggests, Somer’s not at practice which’s unfortunate ’cause they’ve got a “tour” to prepare for — HV’s got a gig coming up at South by Southwest, the Austin, Texas-based music festival I’ve got fond fond memories of.

but at this point would settle for klonopin or half an ativan

Rather than employ cellular telephone technology to locate and/or reprimand Somer, Hunter Valentine rehearses sans-keyboard and by “rehearses sans-keyboard” I mean “bitches about having to rehearse sans-keyboard.”

Kiyomi: “This is pointless because we don’t need to practice these songs.”
Laura: “It’s actually Somer who needs to practice these songs.”
Kiyomi: “— or we need to practice these songs–”
Both: “With Somer.”

Kiyomi interviews that Somer’s been her friend for ages and is a great musician but has band “commitment problems.” Also:

just saying

Anyhow, where the hell is Somer? Perhaps Waldo knows…

Smear over to the cold mid-afternoon streets of Brooklyn or Queens, where Somer’s dog-walking with Donna, her girlfriend of four years to whom she wedded in holy matrimony just this past summer.

I bet when Donna signed up for “in sickness and in health” she wasn’t aware she’d be subjected to constant expository conversations, like the enchanting exchange about Somer’s work and practice schedule the passionate duo engage in while dog-walking.

Somer interviews to set up her story arc/”conflict” for this season:

Somer: “The tour is supposed to be a trial period for me to see if we click on stage, if I have a good time playing the music, if we get along, for the band to make sure that I’m the person that they want, that they can get along with me, also in terms of my relationship with Donna, to see if our marriage can take me being away for weeks and months at a time.”

There’s some kind of transition to Somer finally showing up for practice which I’ve since forgotten and then here she is, surrounded by women with large instruments who are seething with passive-aggressive resentment towards Somer and her cute haircut and perfect jaw and latey-late-lateness.

you’re supposed to be screaming naked fingerfucking in the shower, it’s all in the contract!

Apparently Somer’s acquired minimal knowledge of the set-list but nevertheless exudes a maximum capacity for fun-fun-fun as well a maximum capacity for pushing Kiyomi’s buttons. Kiyomi declares, “we need to practice this song like ten times.”

Vero is super-jazzed about that suggestion:

how did i get here

More importantly, you may notice that Kiyomi is gradually applying more layers from interview to interview throughout this scene, suggesting an issue with climate change:

Psychotic Barbie music transitions us back to the doctor’s for The Return of Cori & Kacy, who you may recognize as the only cast members you still liked by the end of Season Two:

Cori & Kacy are hanging out at their favorite snack shack, The Gynecologist’s Office! On the menu today: an ultrasound of Cori’s four-month-old fetus situation! Yup — Cori and Kacy finally got pregnant.

i’m thinking the baby will be about three feet tall and about this wide

Lemme take a sidenote time out and issue a SPOILER ALERT for anybody who doesn’t already know what I’m about to say, but I’m pretty sure anybody who cares about this show already knows this — Cori and Kacy are going to lose this baby, and we know this because we wrote about it when it happened and you probably read it. I can’t even watch these scenes without thinking how hard it must be for Cori & Kacy to watch these scenes.

It’s just so tragic and so sad, because these two are so sweet and so rad, and so earnestly pumped about their potential offspring but all that joviality is impossible to enjoy, let alone mock (as recappers must), when one knows what’s coming. I can’t even bring myself to ask Intern Grace to photoshop a tiny hat onto this ultrasound.

and they were gonna name her charlie! charlie!

Cori: “After a few rounds of unsuccessful inseminations, everything that we’ve been doing this past year has finally worked.”
Kacy [to Cori]: “Little Mamasita!”

every kiss begins with k-acy

[Cori gets teary-eyed]
Cori: “I mean –”
Kacy: [pointing at Cori’s teary face] “That’s the best part.”
Cori: “We’re gonna have a baby!”
Kacy: “You see this, do you see the happiness here? That’s the best part.”
Cori: “It’s the hormones.”

fucking cutest people ever

Kacy tells the story of Cori leaping into bed with the freshly-peed-upon positive pregnancy test stick and they both get teary and also happy but also exhausted and then the doctor tells them they’re having a girl, and they’re so happy and this is me:

Back to Sarahara’s Sugar Shack, where Whit-me and Sarahara stick food in one another’s mouthholes while interviewing about how they used to be mega-dysfunctional, which segues into a charming retrospective of some of their best moments:

were we ever so young and gauzy

But now that they’ve taken a leap of faith bla bla bla they can love each other forever in the same apartment, like baby birds:

Whitney: “I think we’ve come so far because we’ve allowed ourselves to fall in love.”

just open a little wider and i’ll get that last pubic hair out of your molars

Luckily, says Sarahara, they realized the only thing keeping them apart besides Whit-me’s contractual obligation to be The Player was their “walls” and now they’ve taken their walls down, let the cameras way way way in, and thus embraced the mystical “connection” we’ve heard so much about.

Also:

Whitney: “Since Sara and I got really solid, Romi and I are not friends. Just because I think Sara felt betrayed.”

It’s okay, I get it — Romi inspired the Who’s At The Door Montage, and therefore Sara got left out of that whole private meme. It’s okay, Sarahara, I had Grace make you one:

Sarahara points out half-heartedly that “it’s hard to love somebody with your whole heart,” which isn’t true. Have you ever tried winning a round of Chopped with a whole (cow) heart in your basket? That’s hard.

and then we allowed ourselves to put on some layers and move to alaska

Smear over to the “Lyon Fine Jewelry Launch,” which we’re segued into with “Chic Los Angeles nightlife music.” It’s time to meet Lauren Bedford Russel, this sort of glamazonian blonde/pink-haired lesbian with shiny teeth and confident sex-appeal.

ok now take off your clothes and writhe around like fiona apple in ‘criminal’

So Lauren moved here from New York ten months ago and her jewelry is super-special and super-expensive and super shiny and AMAZING. In other words, Hija Por Vida, IT IS ON.

she just really felt like lesbian jewelers with oft-pink hair were under-represented on this show and i wanted to make a difference

Her launch is attended by familiar faces including Whit-me and Whit-me’s Wholehearted Love, Sarahara. Whit-me knows everybody, because she’s dipped her salami in everybody’s asiago cheese ball, so obviously she knows Lauren, but she doesn’t “KNOW” Lauren, if you know what I mean, but guess who does KNOW Lauren (LIKE THAT)? Kelsey!

best boi on the block

Yup. It seems Kelsey, Romi’s ex-girlfriend, rode another pink-haired beautiful tall jewelry designer’s pony recently.

note the hummus sponsorship in the background because lesbians love hummus

Lauren: “I hardly know Romi at all and yet there’s some crazy rivalry, I don’t understand it, maybe she’s uncomfortable because Kelsey and I sort of liked each other for a minute?”

Fuck that shit, Lauren’s got her eyes on the future:

because with amanda i can really be relevant, mature and collegiate

So Amanda’s being shipped to Los Angeles for the program, obviously, and whatever story they made up to explain it escapes me now but regardless the point is that Amanda and Lauren are “friends with benefits” and “of course we’re gonna end up hooking up.” So, you know. WATCH THIS SPACE.

Just to recap this recap thus far: this season’s allegedly about lesbian life in Los Angeles and New York City, but the NYC cast consists of a four-man band from Toronto who record in Toronto and are about to leave for Texas and a girl from New York City who’s moving to Los Angeles. If this is supposed to be New York City vs. Los Angeles, I think Los Angeles is winning? Womp WOMP.

But they don’t make them like this in Los Angeles:

nerdy butch dykes from brooklyn ftw always

Anyhow, let’s meet Amanda!

i know right, why let pigeons crap on your head all day when you can wear a stupid hat instead

We don’t really “meet Amanda” this episode as I’m still not clear if she’s a stylist, promoter, makeup artist or jewelry designer or maybe even something totally different we’ve never seen on this show before. Maybe she’s Catwoman?

pretty sure that she’s catwoman

Amanda and her lesbian hipster friends have gathered at a watering hole to bid adieu to their friend who, if the ensuing three minute monologue is any indication, hasn’t told anybody anything about her life or future until this very moment.

i was like, really, only $3,000 for the entire season? that’s highway robbery! but then i thought, you know, why not

Amanda’s gonna get all city girl on you:

Amanda: “Lauren and I have always talked about living together, like, growing our lives together, and it was just really important I think, for us, to do it while we’re young and we can afford it, and we can just explore and see what we want.”

haha that story about the roommates moving out is even funnier the sixth time

Much like Whit-me and Sarahara circa Season Two (jesus shoot me I can’t believe I even know this), Amanda and Lauren have always had sexual tension but have never lived in the same city while single before.

Amanda: “There’s always been a sexual tension between Lauren and I since like, the minute we met, which is why it makes everybody that loves us and dates us so uncomfortable.”

Therefore, Amanda’s upcoming move to Los Angeles will be The Ultimate Challenge!

this is what happened when i googled “ultimate challenge”

“It’s getting a little crowded, let’s go to the bar,” says Amanda. Ahhh the bar. Always a great place to stretch one’s limbs on a Friday night.

We zoom to another part of the city where Kiyomi’s returning to New York City from an Album Recording Adventure in The Wilds of Toronto to stay with her not-girlfriend, Ali.

Not-Girlfriend (noun) – Female with whom you sleep most nights and talk every day but do not consider yourself formally or monogamously involved with. Traditionally, not-girlfriends might always have dinner together, but are not one another’s go-to dates for weddings and office parties.

it’s all the same to showtime

Ali’s been slaving all day over a hot oven to create a musical-note shaped cake for Kiyomi, which is so fucking ridiculously cute that Kiyomi will be punished in the afterlife for not immediately undressing Ali and eating frosting off her nipples.

you guys ali seriously made her a cake in the shape of a musical note. a cake in the shape of a musical note!

Kiyomi and Ali interview regarding their variant perspectives on their relationship, which began maybe four or six or a billion months ago, I forget.

Kiyomi: “We’re not in a committed relationship, we’re supposed to just be casual, but we talk to each other every day and I just — I dunno where this is going.”

In other words, Ali thinks they’re basically girlfriends and Kiyomi is doing that thing where you say you’re not girlfriends but go completely batshit if your not-girlfriend talks to, kisses, or expresses physical attraction towards any other human being, ever.

and it’s classified by this recapper as non-interesting

Ali interviews that she and Kiyomi met through a mutual friend at a bar and then immediately hooked up in the bathroom, a story that she stole from me and my ex, Alex, and probably at least eighteen people reading this right now. Except for the next part where Ali woke up to find Kiyomi in her bed, like when Baby Bear came home and found Goldilocks in her bed.

and look, here she is again, in my bed!

Kiyomi: “Kissing you is so much different than all the other girls I’ve been kissing.”

Play on, player, play on.

Real L Word Season Three Torture Prep: These Trailers, This Book

The clock tower on the hill is ominously counting down the days between now and Thursday, July 12th, when The Real L Word returns for its third season of mayhem, magic and masturbation. In this trailer, released last week, we go ‘behind the scenes’ with the cast, despite the fact that reality TV is, by definition, always “behind the scenes.” I mean… unless the scenes are staged or something? That’d be so weird! Here it is:

There’s also a new webisode of “Somer Fridays” available on the Showtime website. I was hoping it would be a show about how an average girl can develop an amazing jaw like Somer Bingam‘s, but instead it’s about the upcoming season of The Real L Word. I believe Somer will be releasing these videos every Friday. (Did I ever tell you about the time I went to apply to the TGI Friday’s in Times Square and they told me they only accepted applications on Friday’s? So I walked across the street to The Olive Garden and got a job there, and the rest is hospitaliano history.)

In anticipation of the impending darkness, I’ve decided to start reading Lillian Faderman (Odd Girls & Twilight Lovers) and Stuart Timmons‘ Gay L. A.: A History of Sexual Outlaws, Power Politics, And Lipstick Lesbians, in hopes of tricking myself into viewing this program as somehow relevant, fitting into a broader cultural history of queer life in Los Angeles. It’s a long shot, but regardless I invite you to read along with me! (Also, if you’ve yet to read Reality Bites Back, now would be a good time).

As some of you are aware, I have been cursed in life with a gift for Real L Word recaps, which attract heaps of traffic to this website. Therefore, every summer I endure the program in exchange for ~30 people telling me that I’m funny once a week in the comments on a post it took 30 hours to write. So look forward to that! It beats The Olive Garden, I guess.

The Real L Word Episode 209 Recap: The Pieces Fall Into Place On Top of Each Other

Hello Nation. It’s time for another episode of The Real L Word, a show about a group of teenage detectives who go around solving neighborhood crimes and mysteries with the help of a very secretive friend: Ghostwriter!

L to R: Lesbian playing Whitney, Lesbian wearing a vest, Lesbian with a flat-top, lesbian in mom jeans/belt/tucked in&billowed out shirt, lesbian in overalls, lesbian in flannel

Hello lesbians, lesbian allies, and people who have strong feelings about lesbian erasure and welcome to the very last recap of the worst show in the whole wide world besides I Want a Famous Face, The Real L Word. As I’ve mentioned in the past, it’s a show which follows young sapphics as they have sex, talk about sex, talk about Whitney, and wrestle in various liquid food items.

Number one feeling about this episode?

[Sidenote: Because I’m supposed to be in a car right now on the way to San Diego to talk about something important, I feel insecure about the quality of this recap which I wish I had four more hours to obsess over than I do.]

ARE YOU READY !?!

+

We open with The Real L Word getting all Suddenly Sundance with about 45 seconds of avant garde to the skippy sounds of a song my intern tells me is called “New Little Girl” by Kimberly Nichole, a singer apparently as famous as the cast of this show. Guess Tempted was too expensive.

Romi’s very year-of-her-birth today with a 1981-inspired morning routine which includes ancient arts like shaving one’s legs in the bath-tub, listening to records on a record player, and wearing tri-pink-colored bras from The Limited Too.

the wife of bath

Romi’s all like, bla bla sober sober getting my life together, no more Kelsey, bla blah, whitneysex was fun but won’t let the Mixterator get in the way of her career goals with Love and Pride Jewelry etc etc blah blah.

Speaking of the Jewels, Romi’s prepared like a Boy Scout for this Day Out. Lest a hapless midwestern lesbian attempt to wear a necklace as a feather earring, Romi and Vanessa are putting together a “look book” because in order for them to succeed, they need an visual explanation of “who the girl is and how you wear the jewelry.”

Top Model Challenge: The One With the Mohawk and the Tunic

You know how America’s Next Top Model gets more & more irrelevant every season as they dangle anorexic 24-year-olds from helicopters and dunk them in dry ice and paint their faces into other people’s faces and then stick jungle leaves in their tits and tell them to model through a flesh-eating bacteria epidemic? I wish this part was an episode of ANTM where Romi had to do a shoot on a rooftop in this Futuristic Dominatrix Monk tunic thing and she was afraid of heights. You know?

romi's evil twin

Romi: “There’s more love, there’s more passion, and there’s gonna be more heartache that comes to it too if things don’t work out.”

one thing's for sure: my hair is bangin'!

The camera loves her. It’s never really loved someone like this before.

Over to Whitney, who’s driving my dream car through my television nightmare, declaring her hookup with Romi “a mistake” ’cause of Kelsey & Romi’s recent split, which is so very whatever.  “Romi and I will always be friends.” Yawn yawn black swan.

she's my favorite mistake

Whitney’s jitney’s heading to LAX to snatch the exotic brunette Whitney ordered on ErosGuide this morning, Jaq.

when a lady has 56 identical lovers, you run out of lower-third options

Jaq is Whitney’s San Francisco Treat, second only to Rice-a-Roni.

Maybe I’m just unable to wrangle through Jaq’s battalion of accessories and multifaceted jingly pirate apparel to hear her words or thoughts, but I’m 85% sure she’s spoken maybe five words this season. She’s a body, Whitney will fuck it, next!

Jaq appropriated three different cultures just to make that one earring

“Jaq’s coming to town to help with the pants vs pumps event,” says Whitney, which makes as much sense as anything ever has in Whitney World. Palm trees!

Francine’s mother, adorned in a silk leopard-print blousey thing and the largest most amazing sunglasses in the Sunshine State, has arrived.

no mom wait 'til we get to the cabaret show to start dancing with me, this isn't grey gardens

Francine’s dying on the inside with her big gay secret, but Momma jumps right on in to the boyfriend-pushing and cassette-mongering. By the way: love her. Wish this show was Date my Mom instead of whatever it is, I Want a Famous Face or something.

dream lover come rescue my daughter

Fun fact: Francine’s Mom was apparently a “famous actress and singer” in Japan in the 60’s, which I’d like to see an entire documentary about but instead I’m watching this show. Continuing with the vintage audio device theme Romi established with her record player (she was listening to Frampton Comes Alive! if you must know), Mom’s brought Francine “cassette tapes of me singing” which is so so very Little Edie (sans craziness/raccoons).

put that shit in the tapedeck francine

Yoko’s talking about boys as Francine makes a face for every stage of  necrotizing fasciitis.

Mrs. Francine: “Yeah, if you’re going to choose a guy, he has to be nice.”
Francine: “Yeah.”
Mrs. Francine: “Of course they need to have money, too, not just a pretty face. You’ll get bored of the face in one year.”

Francine, who’s been bored of the face since grade school, manages, “It’s important to be with a — good person.”

god this lady has no fucking idea how fucking gay i am

Francine: “It always makes me a little on edge when she comes into town but this time I’m even more on edge because I want to come out to her.”

where can i get rid of this church's chicken before it stinks up the hotel room

Look at Yoko and Baby Francine:

when i knew

I used to think Francine’s look was Fancy Hobo but now I realize it’s 100% Olsen Twins:

who wore it better

At the hotel, Francine retires to poolside where she vacillates between Foxtrot Posture and Pain Faces while staring at her phone and freaking out. Francine rings room service for two girly gaywads with a slice of lime and a cherry in hopes the grenadine or vodka will inspire her to reveal her gayself to Yoko, who I already have this like very deep tender love for that I can’t explain.

i feel like there's flesh-eating bacteria in my solar plexus

#headdesk

or maybe email? what about email? an e-card?

Over at Rachel’s Rock Bottom, our hapless heroine’s submitting herself to therapy, ’cause the best way to really expose yourself emotionally is to do it on Showtime in front of the 400 people who still watch this show.

rachel, you are getting very sleepy. very sleepy.

The Therapist, in all her therapeutic splendor, says things and then Rachel says this thing:

Rachel: “I’ve always had problems talking about my emotions and whatnot. I lost my father like ten years ago very suddenly and then I had to move in with my grandparents who just lost their son — their only son — you know at that time my Mom and me were not like, okay… I also hate crying so I don’t do it, especially around my family, I never cry. I don’t want them to think that I’m sad.”

i guess they're gonna know now that i'm sad though

Rachel was close to her father. He went to PFLAG and was supportive, a regular Novotny (sorry I can’t stop bringing her up, the woman just needs to be seen). He even let Rachel’s kicked-out-of-her-own-home girlfriend shack up with them. Meanwhile according to Rachel, Mom is always “walking by” and telling her she’s going to hell.

hi rachel, you're going to hell and i made peach cobbler

I love how I repeatedly have nothing in common with anyone on this show besides death. And I guess life.  Not even taxes, ’cause I haven’t paid my taxes in two years ’cause I don’t know how.

have you been seeing spencer, emily and hanna?

Upon leaving therapy, Rachel says she feels way better, like “a lot of pressure is out of [her] body.” In a way it is —  when something terrible happens and you become the De Facto Capable Adult in your broken family you sort of store all that excruciating pain and sorrow in a drawer in the back reaches of your brain. And when people ask how you’re doing about that death thing, you say “I just block it out,” and they then they tell you it’ll catch up to you one day, all that repressed sadness. One day everything beyond the blocks will hurtle forwards and eat you alive when you least expect it. So you do other things, like drink and do drugs and work all the time so everyone else’s needs take up all the room in your brain, leaving very little space for your own feelings, which is just how you want it. But you fear the pit everybody’s warned you about, you’re still afraid that it’s lurking and could unexpectedly explode. Will it kill you? Sometimes you feel like it could kill you.

And then somebody makes you go, pays for you to go, calls so you can go, does everything short of sitting there and explaining your life story to the therapist so you can go. Then it feels passive enough to not set off the alarm system you installed on every emotional wall. Then you sit down and you say all the things and you cry and then there it is. That thing you’ve been afraid of — taking out your sad little heart out of your anxious chest and holding it up to the light — has started. And you’re still alive. More alive, even.

So anyhow, that’s what I think she meant by “I feel like a lot of pressure is out of my body.”

Cori & Kacy are sitting on the couch with chocolate milk and a dildo, talking about sperm.

i can't open my mouth any wider i swear

Kacy and Cori make penis jokes and slap each other with the prosthetic, which I hope they stick in the dishwasher afterwards. Also, they say weird things like this:

Kacy: “Lesbians have this tendency to befriend guys with huge penises because they never have to ride that donkey.”

Her lips, G-d’s ears.

bitch i will pimp slap you with two cheeseburgers and a dildo

Cori: “That guy has the biggest dick ever!”
Kacy: “It’s super ridiculous.”

which is why we're going to sinclair sexsmith's how to use a strap on workshop at good vibrations in san francisco next week

Long story way too long — Cori’s strappin’ up for the Great Gyno in the Sky again rather than using The Tugaboat Penis Machine, like a proper First Worldian Lesbian. More importantly, Kacy’s hair in this scene is six degrees of sexy like Kevin Bacon:

Over at Whitney’s Whimsical Workshop, Whit-Brit’s putting her hammer-swinging skills to good use, spray-painting and building shit with Jaq, who is suspiciously also operating various power tools.

it was the night before christmas, and all through the house...

The Pumps/Pants set pieces, inspired by Putt-Putt and high school productions of Guys & Dolls, are huge and ridiculous and unnecessary and also cute/oh.

butthead, she said "suck" heh heh heh heh

Hold your seasonably-inappropriate hats tight on your heads, ladies, ’cause Whitney’s about to blow your mind by doing something totally unique and important.

you remind me of a baby koala that i once knew

And the Whitney tape goes round and round and the painted ponies go up and down, we’re captured on a carousel of screentime. We can’t look back, we can only look, behind from where she came, and go round and round and round in the circle game.

Whitney: “If we work this well together making props, could we work this well together in a relationship? It’s possible.”

Just to recap, Episode 201:

Whitney: “I mean, we’ve given it a shot before so I don’t know if it’s meant to be for the future. Casual hookup [with Rachel]? It’s a possibility.”

Also earlier this season:

Whitney: “Is [Sara] someone I could see myself lasting with? I don’t know what the exact answer is.”

Just leavin’ all the doors open. Flapping in the breeze.

Cut to the shower, where Whitney and Jaq disrobe and make out in the red-light district of the Harem Bathroom. The lighting/music makes it seem like they’re slathering each other in cooking oil in a post-apocalypse sauna/bomb shelter.

I’d like to quote the song playing during this scene:

Ahhhh

Ohhhhhhh

Yeahhhhhh

Turn the lights out

Baby

Did you like that

I know you did.

Top that, EZ Girl.

hot cross buns

Real L Word Episode 208 Recap: The Hardest Time to Write This Rhyme

Hello! Welcome to the recap for the 208th Episode of The Real L Word, a 30-minute situation comedy set in Miami Beach, Florida, where four previously married women live together as best friends, enjoying themselves despite hard times and sharing their various experiences. Topics include dildos, scissoring, and Metamucil.

This week on The Real L Word, everyone cried, including me. For once they weren’t the tears of embarrassment-by-proxy I cry when perfectly lovely respectable human lesbians masturbate on camera or run drunkenly into traffic or try to hump their girlfriend at the laundromat. Furthermore, my tears were not vampire tears:

My tears were tears of disappointment in myself for nearly shedding genuine tears at several emotional moments throughout this program, which is either a testament to the emotional prowess of sour diesel or to my devolving brain state.

Regardless I’ll be crying tears of joy next week when this shitshow finally grinds to a halt. Thank you Lord Jesus Chaiken, Amen.

this is what google image search turned up for “tears of joy”

Per ushe I would like to thank my lovely Intern Grace, who makes images for me even when they involve photoshopping Justin Bieber into a doorway or positioning a couple breaking up in outer space. Everything I ask Grace to do, she does. Just as an Intern should.

We open on the lean mean highways of Los Angeles, where our young homo Sajdah is zooming to the airport to retrieve her mother, who’s come all the way to Los Angeles for Parent’s Day at Gay LA Summer Camp. Upon arrival:

the girls at work told me lesbians love whiskey

LOVE HER!

god i love puppies

So, Sarita and Sajdah are besties ’cause she was 16 when Sajdah got born. Sajdah, still mourning losing Chanel to her own emotional baggage, is pleased as punch to see her Mom with her  literal baggage, etc.

Sajdah: “If I’m at my weakest point there’s nobody who can pick me up like my mother.”

This’ll be the first time Sarita will see Sajdah in full gay regalia: gay haircut, gay job, gay pants, gay interests and a super-gay tendency to ask girls she just met to pick out a condo with her.

i also suspect these camerapeople following me everywhere are also gay, though i’m not sure

Sarita got a sneak-peak of the main lez-show on her airplane flight over, from which the following hilarious conversation ensues:

Sarita: [pointing at a lebsian couple, pictured below] “Look those are the girls that I met on the plane. That is crazy.”
Sajdah: “You met lesbians on the plane?”

observe deplaning lesbians mating in the wild

Sarita: “Uh-huh. I said, ‘What’s your name?’ and she said ‘Ace’ and I said your mother didn’t name you that! She said–”
Sajdah: “Ashley.”
Sarita: “Ashley! How do you know?”
Sajdah: “Ace, Ashley. If it’s Ace it’s cause she had a girl name and she didn’t want it.”

Luckily Sajdah‘s got a name nobody can spell right, let alone assign a gender to.

just the two of us, we can make it if we try, just the two of us

Sajdah interviews that Sarita’s Mom was murdered a year after Sajdah‘s birth, which is horrifying and tragic and all the terrible words from the sad parts of Les Miserables, Flowers for Algernon and Beaches. Look at these cuties, modeling through it:

smize

Over blessed lunch at the local cafe, Sajdah and Mom discuss the fallout with Chanel until Sajdah is overwhelmed by memories of Little Big Horn and cannot continue the conversation or finish her coleslaw.

being gay is depressing

Sarita “It was just too much too fast. I mean, not trying to sound cold but that’s just a part of life, that’s just the way it goes.”

In other words:

mhm

Sajdah explains:

because she was really hot. like really, really hot.

Mom seems, thus far, not especially uncomfortable about Sajdah‘s California-induced transformation, although she’s got some questions about what Sajdah‘s got in them jeans.

Mom: “What happened to your pants?”
Sajdah: “What?”
Sarita: “Them holes?”
Sajdah: “They’re made like this.”
Sarita: “You bought them in the store like that?”
Sajdah: “They’re hot.”

what, i saw whitney wearing them on the show, so

Kacy’s out to dinner/wine/brunch with her friend Drea, talking about sperm. Drea, dressed for a cool spring afternoon at St.Mary’s School For Wayward Girls, is a lez-baby expert ’cause she’s got twins.

but does your vagina ever go back to how it was

Kacy, having seen many documentaries on the topic (almost definitely The Business of Being Born) but especially this one…

pilot

… has certain ideas about the insemination process.

Kacy: “Did you guys have sex before the insemination?”
Drea: “No! This isn’t TV, we aren’t in the room like as we inseminate like fucking, eating her out. Sorry that didn’t happen. It was more like — this is so weird, don’t move, don’t move.”

i beg to differ

Kacy, who still wants everything to be perfect and nice and respectful of everybody’s uteruses and gender identities and pronouns and life cycles, isn’t into what Drea‘s dishing out. Like, for example, Drea says the process of getting knocked up took about a year and seven inseminations.

the many faces of lesbian pregnancy

Kacy: “Seven fucking times? Seven of those car rides? I mean, fuck man, that really put it into perspective.”

like “seven brides for seven brothers” but without brothers and only sperm

Kacy’s still digesting this info when Drea reminds her that first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage and then comes lawyers, nannies, adoption papers, school, the baker and the candlestick maker. It takes a village.

and don’t even get me started on the “spit up”

Francine’s in her kitchen preparing for her Tiki Torch Garden Party with her girlfriend, inconveniently named Khristianne [confession: I can’t spell], who’s putting way too much butter in the shrimp, putting Francine at risk for morbid obesity.

oh my god i can’t believe it is butter

The guests revel in the glory of the professionally landscaped backyard, which was more likely prepared by fairies and wood nymphs than it was by Romi, Kelsey, Rachel and Whitney. Who wants backyard advice from the people responsible for this:

flashback, warm nights almost left behind

Khristianne tells the group Francine’s Mom is coming to visit with the relish of an ambiguously-gendered girlfriend half-concerned about Francine’s torrential downpour of emotional havoc and half-excited by the upcoming boxing match better known as “coming out.”

This inspires Rachel to share a little story of her own and really the only part of that story you need to know is this part:

Rachel: “You know what Mom, you might do hair to be like me, but you don’t eat pussy to be like your big sister.”

this isn’t full house

Stone-Cold Kelsey is a rock/island throughout, Romi cheerfully suggests Francine do a ComingOut Power Point presentation (this probably would involve a lot of pictures of Claire) and Whitney does this observer thing she does when she shows up in somebody else’s storyline. It makes her seem like a replicant, apparently necessitating another Lower Third:

whitney fucking mixter needs a lower-third but robin roemer doesn’t?

Francine is watching the World Cup in her head:

ooooo ahhhhhh huhhhhh

After dinner Romi confesses to Whitney that Kelsey expressed dismay over the possibility of Romi spending dinner laughing with Whitney — hahaha remember that night with the creamed corn and the dildo and the cameras and the whole world flipped out lol hahhaaha — while meanwhile Kelsey would be forced to simmer with unmet desire for a Tequila Sunrise or flaming banana.

When you start joking with your ex-whatever (“ex-girlfriend” – lower third) about your current girlfriend’s jealousy of your relationship with your ex-whatever™ then you know it is O-V-E-R.

We return to Whitney’s Acropolis of Apple-Bottom Jeans where Whitney, impressed by her own popularity, has decided to use her Clam-Powers for Good rather than Evil. She wants to host a “Lesbian Field Day” to support “Charity” (Charity: it’s everyone’s favorite charity!) and she’ll be calling this calamity “The Pumps vs. Pants Showdown.”

and then afterwards, the more butch girls pin the more femme girls to the wall

Huh. I wonder who’s gonna win!?! Lest you forget the Whitney Mixter Definition of Pants from last season, she reminds us: “I’m pants because I know how to swing a hammer.”

maybe if i sit here long enough rachel will just mosey on up between my legs

“Femmes take a little more time to do their eye makeup,” Whitney explains. That’s why Romi is the femmiest fem in all the femland. She could wear pants WITH pumps and nobody would dare second-guess her. Romi could swing a hammer while fucking a girl wearing a double-headed dildo and yelling “Call me Daddy!” and still — still even then, in that outlandish and pornographic and slightly unpleasant situation — her eyes would still give her away.

pump the jam

Speaking of eyes, Alyssa’s opening Whitney’s to the idea that Rachel’s a fucking mess and could use a motherfucking hand from her friend/ex-girlfriend/bathroom-cunnilingus partner, Whitney “The Hammer” Mixter.

sooo… basically “yes”

Alyssa: “I think she still wants to feel like somebody that you care about in real life.”
Whitney: “I do care about her.”

Although Whitney seems to be the last to recognize the destruction she’s fostered around her, she’s always open to being called out, especially by Alyssa or, at this point in her life, by thousands of angry internet lesbians. Whitney trusts everyone else is keeping better tabs on her behavior than she is, because they are.

Now we’re at an abandoned warehouse that looks like communist Romania from the outside and Kelsey & Romi’s Chamber of Secrets from the inside.

note the CBS (which owns Showtime) situation in the back

Romi‘s got this potholder wrapped around her head and has torn up Stephanie Tanner’s mini-dress, re-fastened it with twine and dropped it over her hot-pink-braed body and she’s screaming at Kelsey in her outside voice. Kelsey looks like a bored hipster shoe salesman. It’s quite a scene.

how many fingers am i holding up. how many. i bet you don’t know YOU DRUNK LIZZZZARD

Apparently Kelsey imbibed a goblet of the evil vino while out with her Mom, against Romi‘s Rules of Sobriety, so of course all fresh hell breaks lose.

Romi: “You don’t see anything wrong in this. You don’t think you did anything wrong. Nothing.”
Kelsey: [silence]
Romi: “We made a promise to each other that we were not gonna drink and that you were gonna support me in my sobriety. Your first night away from me, you went and drank and then right before dinner which I fucking made dinner reservations had a whole night planned for us, you wanna casually throw out to me ‘Oh I had a glass of wine.”
Kelsey: [silence]
Romi: “Maybe you don’t realize how much it meant to me. Maybe you don’t realize what I’m going through with this and that you promised me that you would do it with me and that you would stop drinking because you thought you had a problem. You’re a liar.”
Kelsey: “I had one glass of wine.”
Romi: “What if I said I had one glass of wine?”
Kelsey: “It was the situation. I didn’t just go to a random bar, I was hanging out with my sister–”
Romi: “I don’t care if you’re with your fucking Grandma!”
Kelsey: [leaves, probably wishing she’d had two glasses of wine]

Romi interviews that Kelsey essentially reaches for the sippy cup of Tanqueray whenever Romi looks the other way.

and merlot! you had fucking Merlot of all things!

Ultimately, Romi‘s in Saturn Return which’s the part of life where you try to get your shit together before you turn 30 (or recently thereafter). Romi‘s looking to escape the reckless abandon of Sapphic Youth, but Kelsey’s the team mascot.

Sometimes age is just a number, but 23 and 29 isn’t always fine and often leads to a glass of wine.

and also wash that bowl you had oatmeal in earlier, you know how i feel about that

Real L Word Episode 207 Recap: Play With Fire and Microwave Your Desire

You guys, True Blood is SOOOO good this season! Twist after turn after twist after turn! See, I watch True Blood at 9:00 PM on Sunday nights and I’m always super pumped to follow up my True Blood viewing session with a brand-new ripe episode of The Real L Word at 10pm because, as I think we can all agree here, The Real L Word is basically the Mona Lisa of reality television and this Sunday night was no exception.

It’s like Monsterpiece Theater.

Someone call Charles Darwin ’cause there’s some serious evolution going on this season. And that evolution is happening on top of Romi’s head.

Romi Klinger: helping babygays everywhere by demonstrating a new alternative lifestyle haircut every week.

So we open with a warning from some benevolent higher power that this show is for mature audiences, which is debatable.

You know what this show needs? Men!

lesbians love men

I’m especially digging the opening theme song this week. It’s like how I feel about this show, “It was just another night, I don’t wanna think about it.” It’s perfect!

We open with Venice Beach stock footage and unfamiliar hip-hop music which means this scene will either be about the black girl or the girl-sporting-the-hairstyle-traditionally-associated-with-black-people.

It turns out to be the former — Sajdah and Chanel are at the laundromat, washing cum towels, that blue shirt Sajdah wears in every interview and probably about ten Hanes white v-neck t-shirts. Saj loves the V.

for the 100th time i'm not washing the shirt i was wearing when we first kissed i don't care how bad it smells

Sajdah: “Things are going well for Chanel and I. We’ve been together for over a month now, and we’ve progressed a lot, I mean, we’re intimate, I don’t know I think it’s time to take the next step.”

i think your watch is broken

Sajdah’s basically attempting to corner Chanel into a Promise Keepers situation and Chanel isn’t having it.

Sajdah: “You moving in, you’re my wife, we should practice.”
Chanel: “Practice what?”
Sajdah: “Being married.”
Chanel: “You just wanna have sex.”
Sajdah: “Not just for sex, I want you around all the time.”

Specifically around Sajdah’s waist:

do the humpty hump

Sajdah: “I hump her in public, she gets really upset about it. I mean shit, that’s the perk of being in a relationship.”

It’s true that if you’re in a relationship you’re less likely to get a shot of pepper spray in your eyeballs when you violate a woman’s pre-established physical boundaries, but that still don’t make it polite, RamboLesbo.

Chanel: “Stop grabbing my butt in public.”
Sajdah: “I wanna fuck you.”

Sajdah’s basically one unwanted humping away from being a part of somebody’s yelp review on how this laundromat is filled with crazy people.

Marissa?

Cut to church, where KayKay’s humbling herself before G-d, praying about sperm.

just please god get this staple out of my brain

“I couldn’t imagine not having kids,” says Kacy. Me neither, ’cause it’s all they ever talk about. I feel like without a baby they’d dissolve into thin air.

Kacy: “There’s something about getting on your knees, and really focusing in on what you want.”

Again this week Laneia decided to watch the show with her girlfriend and provide me with periodic updates re: their feelings:

Oh good, Vivian’s coming to LA. Cocomo Claire needs a buddy with arms and legs and a really gigantic heart right about now.

"francine francine francine francine"

Vivian hops into Clairealicious’s Lovemobile where a rose awaits her in the passenger seat ’cause Claire’s such a gentle tiger and Vivian is really just obnoxiously hot and has a Julia Stiles voice.

Oh and also:

Claire: “It’s good to see a face that doesn’t wanna rip my head off every second of every day.”

anyone want to baby koala

Vivian, who seems at once totally over it and totally into it, chats with Claire about the possibility of running into Francine during this trip, maybe at a Pan-Asian restaurant or something.

shit it's been so long i forgot to cut my nails

More fun topics await:

Claire: “You know I like it when we’re joined at the hip but I feel like sometimes we start bickering when we’re joined at the hip.”
Vivian: “I like how you’re already thinking about us not getting along which actually doesn’t usually happen. You’re confusing me with your other Asian.”

who? mulan?

Cut to an unnamed restaurant, probably The Olive Garden, where Khristianne and Francine are having dinner with Kelsey and Romi to talk shit about Claire.

So, Francine digs in, you know me and Claire aren’t speaking anymore, right? which serves to intro a Shittalking Shitstorm which is, ultimately, glorious. Claire’s growing on me as like the most entertaining aspect of this show ’cause she’s so fucking unpredictably bratzy.

L to R: x, x, Claire, Romi, Francine

Francine ignites the storm with an email from Claire which Francine remembers going like this:

“Everyone’s such a loser on the show. No one even has a real job. Everyone works in retail or in makeup that’s not a real job.”

Not Kelsey! Kelsey doesn’t have any job at all, she’s just keeping it real and babysitting the fairies who live in Romi’s hairdo, buying the alcohol, writing poetry and making dinner from Rachel Ray’s 20-Minute Dinners for Unhappy Couples. 

But AHEM Romi’s going through a Productive Life Transformation and Accomplishing Big Things and don’t you dare, CLAIRE, insult Romi at this juncture.

Francine: “Then she’s like, Whitney all she does is party for a living.”
Romi: “Bitch you moved here with no job, go back. Who does she think she is? What does she think I’m doing?”

If you thought this scene was about Claire or Francine or Khristianne you’re wrong, it’s about Romi!

Nobody who isn't serious about what they do would wear this on their head, mmk?

Francine: “You know what she said about Sara? That she has a dog face.”

Meaningful, coming from someone who occasionally verges on Golden Retrievery hair.

Kelsey: “Oh hell no.”
Romi [interview]: “I was like alright, she’s a deb, she’s done.”

next!

Romi does what every sensible lesbian does when they receive second-hand gossip about someone talking shit about their friends to a different friend: she immediately texts everyone she knows. That’s my girl.

Cue Lesbian Text-Message Tree!

Cut to Whitney’s Pussy Palace, where she’s getting Romi’s text in real time and who’s there to process the shit-talking with her? None other than Razor-Tongued Rose Garcia, who you all remember from Season One. It’s almost like Whitney phoned-a-friend and picked the Shit-Talking Expert to come in for a consult.

all up in our stars and shit

Whitney, reading Romi’s text:

“I was about to help her with her with the shoot but I guess I can tell her I’m too busy playing with lipstick. Who does this bitch think she is?”

Malibu Barbie, I think.

Whitney: “Here’s the thing: you can’t hold your own in any city. You’re whack. You have no personality and no fucking soul, so good luck in any city.”
Rose: “Nobody likes this girl, dude.”

Claire’s gonna have to move to the country, maybe Nebraska or something.

does this look like a hotel room to anyone else

Whitney says Claire could’ve had a “friend circle” (like the classic Minnie Driver vehicle Circle of Friends) but instead she’s just got a giant bucket o’enemies (like the classic 156-piece chicken meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken).

Real L Word Episode 206 Recap: Baby Batter Up Up and Away

“It hasn’t even started yet and I already hate it.”
-my notes

I’m not gonna lie, I woke up this morning with that unidentified pre-consciousness sick feeling in my stomach — you know the one. What is this mysterious pit? Did I have a bad dream? Did something terrible happen yesterday?  (The ideal answer is that something terrible happened in a bad dream.)

After a quick scan of “the top of my head” I identified that knotted pit in my gut as, in fact, the knowledge that in order to write this recap, I’d have to re-watch what was honestly one of the most ridiculous hours of television I’ve witnessed in my entire life. And I’ve seen every episode of The Real L Word Season One. Twice.

This week The Real L Word was like a lunch-time bachelorette party at The Olive Garden with penis-shaped drink stirrers and lots of virgin strawberry daiquiris during which all the lesbians at the table are whacked over the head with a dead fish or a signed copy of Tucker Max’s bestselling tome “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” and then thrown into a cold lake of Alginate.

Here’s the Cliff’s Notes version:

We open at Kacy & Cori’s sweet hammock of motherly love x2, where the girls are waking up and, of course, talking about sperm.

hey guys? when you have the baby, you'll still love me right? like just as much?

See, the sperm’s here — all hail the mighty sperm — and after setting it on their mantle surrounded by Votive Candles, Cori’s gotta go pee on a stick to evaluate her ovulation levels a.k.a. Pregnancy Readiness.

isn't the female reproductive system fascinating? the kids at home will love this!

Alas Cori’s not ovulating and therefore won’t be getting the hot beef/sperm injection today. Kacy’s cranking up the adorable by bending over and talking to Cori’s barren stomach which probably would prefer a Pop Tart to a baby at this point.

i am the eggman

OH DEAR LORD HAVE MERCY. Smack dab in the middle of the Penis Party Episode, we’ve got a father deathaniversary which, to me (because, as I’ve likely mentioned before, I too have an annual father deathaniversary, which I’m mentioning again because it takes up the screen-space where I could write about the actual scene therefore giving the illusion of a full recap without me having to attack my feeble emotional resources) is about 75% as much fun as a bikini wax (seriously I really can’t talk about this scene or transcribe any dialogue).

Romi and her mom look at a photo album of photos of Romi's father

So! Romi’s gotta spend this depressing holiday on camera, wiping her tears away.  We learn that Romi got married a few years ago to guy from her church who she implies was also gay. They married right before her father got sick so at least he got to walk her down the aisle while she was still legally permitted to do so.

romi at her wedding, dancing with her father

See Romi’s got a lot of layers of foundation but also layers of personality traits which are all wrapped tightly around a pretty strong core. Romi’s life often isn’t what she wants it to be because she doesn’t trust people (they always disappoint her) but she doesn’t want to be alone and she’s quick to fall in love. That’s a lot of shit going on.

romi and her mom hug

We return to our Dubious Lovebird Loveshack where Sajdah’s preparing heart-shaped waffles, some kind of omelette/frittata situation and, it appears, fresh-squeezed orange juice. What’s the occasion, Saj?

Sajdah: “Today’s Day 30¹ [of our relationship] and our birthday is January 30 and I’m starting to think 30 might be our number. “

You know, “your number.” It’s that thing you pick out after you pick out your song.

I'm iruneeng veffffles und jooeecing sume-a jooeece-a! Børk! Børk! Børk!

So it’s been 30 entire days and Sajdah, who just learned about masturbation last October and probably still isn’t doing it right, is more than ready to butch bottom her way down the river on a raft of Chanel’s vaginal fluids so she’s pulling out all the stops.

Sajdah presents her Breakfast Spread and — whopeee! — another Anias Nin quality entry in the Magic Journal in which Sajdah waxes poetic about the “ups and downs” of the last 30 days.

the book of "life"

This relationship would be more believable if it was set at summer camp. You know how you’d have a camp girlfriend/boyfriend and even though it was just a week, it was like, the most PASSIONATE WEEK OF YOUR LIFE?

and that's where i made a rough sketch of what our first baby will look like

Sajdah: “We just got our test results and there’s only one way to celebrate a good bill of health, and that’s with sex.”

I prefer a brisk jog or a three-day bender, but she’ll take what she can get here. Probably yesterday she was like “We just got our pizza in 20 minutes or less and there’s only one way to celebrate a timely pizza, and that’s with sex.” And then Marissa was like:

preach

Claire gets to Francine’s to see all her stuff’s been thrown onto the lawn, which confuses Claire because everything bad that ever happened is Francine’s fault so why is Claire being punished for just being honest and wanting things to be nice.

that guy's still waiting for his ride

Claire is dressed in a sleeveless pale-green hoodie, flip-flops and cargo capri pants, which makes her look like a Valley Girl who just got voted off the island. But in a good way.

dude, i could bone like 30 more chicks today, whatever, her loss, fucking loser

“Francine is a loser,” Claire repeats, reminding us all who’s boss.

Claire: “She’s got dirty now. Like she’s taking this to the level of filth in my opinion.”

EXCELLENT! JUST AS WE WERE PROMISED BY THIS PROVOCATIVE PROMOTIONAL POSTER!

Back in The Newly Co-Ed Den of Sinful Mixed Messages, Ilene Chaiken has found another way to get penises into this episode vis a vis Whitney, who has heaps of free time because nobody’s talking about Sara this episode. Whitney’s hatched a plan to help Cori & Kacy get preggers “the natural way.” Obviously this involves a penis, which is the Superior Method of Conception.

suddenly this is like 101 Dalmatians

Whitney: “I was like, is there a strap-on that like, blows a load? Like, I don’t know if there is. Cori and Kacy told me that you know, they’d been looking for a tool that could potentially be the inseminator. And they can’t find anything! I can’t believe we’re at a time — it’s 2011 — and there is nothing to use for lesbians. Or even if there is, I think we could make a better one.”

But of course they need a penis model and think immediately of Whitney’s bro/best friend, Caes. He has a “donkey dong” or something. Let’s call him! Lesbians and straight men – they can talk about pussy and penises all day! She’s certain he’ll rise to the challenge HAHAHAH!

it's like the difference between regular gatorade and extreme gatorade

Before we get any further into this storyline, let’s take a big TIMEOUT. Let me preface by saying I could be totally confused and wrong here, I’m not a gynecologist, maybe I’m missing something but from where I sit —

AHEM.

Jesus fucking Christ on a Cracker, this hijink knocks LA Fashion Week right outta the ballpark. The whole scenario is premised on an asinine pile of half-baked ideas and faulty logic, I’m actually insulted and/or confused that this steaming pile of shitstory is being served to us — three possibilities present themselves:

1. This show is for stupid people

2. The person who makes this show thinks all its viewers are stupid people

3. This show is for men who really need to stick their penis into it

So:

1. In order to squirt sperm out a prosthetic penis “the natural way” (Whitney/Alyssa’s specialty, as Alginate is the unsung hero of sex toys), one would first have to insert the sperm inside oneself. Right? So riddle me that, Batman.

OR one would have to find some kind of fantastic technological contraption to somehow make this happen somewhere between the head of the dildo and the wearer.

1a. Therefore, they need some kind of Inventor or Technological Person to figure this out, NOT a special effects team. That’s a different straight guy:

2. Let’s say that such a squirt is somehow possible, because I mean, Who Killed Jenny, am I right? We’ve got no idea where the jizz is gestating so in the interest of cutting to the chase, this product does, more or less, already exist!

2a. The Pee-Cock is one of many prosthetic devices intended for usage by trans guys or I guess anyone who wants to be able to pee standing up. I believe Max ordered one in the mail at some point? There’s lots of these but most of them aren’t suitable for sex but again, we’re already in the wilds of improbability, what’s another mile. There’s heaps of additional marvelous technological advancements on this website.

(Ilene I know you get hives just thinking about trans people and you practically ran a one-woman pro-transphobia campaign with your little teevee show, but just do me a solid, mmk?)

2b. Why would you need a REAL LIVE MAN’S PENIS to be your mold? It’s not Ancient Egypt, we have science now, shit does not need to get that complicated. Here. Here’s your model:

TA-DA!

3. If “pressing a button” is satisfactory to Kacy, then why not use a syringe to perform an at-home insemination?

4. If we acknowledge the inherent impossibility of The Sperm actually coming out of Kacy’s strap-on as the sperm is not inside Kacy, then we must conclude that this object is meant to be handled independently of the vadge area. So she’d just be using it like a standalone dildo, more or less, which only qualifies as ‘the natural way’ if you think everything in life has to involve a penis. WHICH APPARENTLY THIS EPISODE DOES.

ETA 6.14.2011: My purpose here is to comment on the story and characters presented to us by the show creators, not the actual lives behind them (which are none of my business/interest), but, if you’re interested in the ACTUAL Real-Life circumstances surrounding this creation rather than the sort of confusing crafts anatomy show presented to us on-screen, Real-For-Reals-Real Alyssa has shared the following:

+ She could not mold a dildo because that is copyright infringement.

+ She and Whitney “worked very closely with he advice of several fertility doctors to make sure I was designing something safe and potentially effective.”

+ She and Whitney did extensive research and found nothing designed for this purpose.

+ “There are several clients of ours that were really enthusiastic and hopeful that we could possibly create something they could maybe try using at home if they chose that route.”

+ “Ejaculating dildos would not work because the transfer method is not sterile.”

So there you go! Isn’t that like a kabillion times more interesting than what we saw on the show?! I would much rather watch an hour-long TLC special on the actual creation of this Inseminator — the research, the conversation with doctors, etc — than I would watch another episode of TRLW.

Furthermore, even within the context of this episode — the fact that Whitney & Alyssa did go through these other options (didlo, ejaculating dildo, etc) before having to resort to making a model of an actual penis makes that scene itself much more compelling/interesting. That’d be a story with an arc and stuff. But whatever, clearly if my ideas about stories were any good, I would have a job I didn’t have to create myself and probably paid off my credit card bills by now.

BACK TO THE PROGRAM!

Soooo anyway, Whitney calls Caes (where does she meet these people with these names, Romulus?) to ask him to be an inseminator and he’s like “yeah sure,” he doesn’t need details ’cause those were on the breakdowns the producer gave him earlier.

let's hear it for the boys

Whitney’s gamely summoning imaginary energy for this imaginary project, basically Whitney is going to change gynecology forever!

little did you know, she also has two medical degrees

Romi and Rachel are heading to Las Vegas for the Magic Fashionshow to Sell Lines. As they wait for their chariot, the girls gab about Rachel fucking Whitney and Kelsey ruining Romi’s life.

thank god someone remembered the fedora at the last minute

Will Romi & Rachel do sex? No.

Rachel: “We’re really good friends now and it’s just a friendship.”

Romi says “long story short” and then starts talking really slowly and saying “like” a lot. Rachel describes Romi’s relationship with Kelsey as Romi being “the caretaker of a 23-year-old child” which is just, you know, mean.

so i'm going to vegas, 'cause most of the people there are straight

Sajdah needed a way to break Chanel’s hymen prior to the sexual situation and after spending some time considering the pros and cons of tampons, has settled on horseback riding.

ride the pony

I thought I missed Michael Scott a bunch during the last three episodes of The Office but I miss him much more during this episode.

Sajdah: “I’m taking really good care of Chanel now in hopes of her taking really good care of me later.”

Chanel: “You’re my genie, I’m rubbing the lamp.”

Sajdah: “Hopefully she’ll enjoy [my other surprises] as much as she enjoyed this one.”

Chanel: (riding the horse) “HAY!!! I GOT THE RHYTHM!”

Can we just appreciate the complete bizarre randomness of this field trip to the “Rainbow Ranch”? It’s so benignly absurd that I can’t help but love it.

I hope Chanel is saving at least one orgasm for later!

Hey DUDE

Now it’s time to return to the Mega-Clean Boudoir, where Sajdah, because she is, as aforementioned, akin to a 13-year-old boy in her romantic aspirations, has lit all the cliches on fire. This bedroom looks sort of depressing though, can’t Chanel paint a giant heart on the wall or some puppies.

don't forget the hospital corners

Sajdah: “Though after a long day of horseback riding, I wanna make sure my girl feels good, so I’m going to give her a full body massage.”

Because nothing’s more entertaining than watching a nice, good, well-meaning individual execute the most time-intensive way of copping a feel. Not that I haven’t done this myself, but unlike Sajdah, I have professional training. So.

Here sajdah executes the secret Esalen technique of "vigorous inner thigh rub."

Sajdah: “I’m not a masseuse. I’m just taking this opportunity to rub all over Chanel. Hopefully I’ll rub her the right way.”

Chanel: “It was not the best massage. It definitely had more motives behind it.”

At this point in the episode I started screaming because it was so cheesy and clothes were coming off. I blacked out when Sajdah started talking about her mind, body and soul “quivering” like crazy.

¹Also known as “one month.”

Real L Word Episode 205 Recap: It’s About to Get Juicy Juice

I don’t know about you, but between last Sunday and this Sunday, I haven’t been able to think about anything besides Whitney Mixter. How many times fast can I say her name? Like a hundred times! There are so many questions left unanswered — Does Whitney drink Coke or Diet Coke? What does Whitney eat for breakfast? What’s Whitney’s favorite color? Not gonna lie, who does Whitney have feelings for? There are at least 13 Ways of Looking at Whitney Mixter, if not 14 or 15.

Thank Jesus Lord Christ of All Saints in the Glorious Lesbian Heavens above, Sunday finally came. (Much like Sajdah and Chanel. They both came too.) I was more than ready for another episode of That’s So Whitney.

Just kidding, for most of this episode I was trying to think of what it would sound like to microwave my television or if it’d be wiser to forget about blowing up the microwave and just run my face over with a tractor.

Claire, take it away:

Oddly, this week was light on Whitney and heavy on everyone else. I wonder if I could ever find this show entertaining if I had no investment in it (recapping = investment).

Maybe if I didn’t care so much, I’d just be like HAHAAHA THAT BITCH BACKED HER CAR INTO THAT OTHER CAR LOL! You know, how people are about whatever, other reality shows. The Desperately Real Housewives of WheretheFuck McEversville.

Many thanks this week to Intern Grace, my lovely intern who can see The Raptor from her house. She made 95% of these images, per my commands.

We open at an exotic lesbian outdoor party, where hot young sexy lesbians in short shorts/bikinis are having sexy feelings in and around a swimming pool. They’re eating cheeseburgers and aimlessly projecting sexual energy onto absolutely everyone else.

girls like sex with girls!

This is what hot sexy lesbians do on The Real L Word, a show about sex and the lesbians who have it. Oh! Whitney has another complicated literary device for us:

Whitney: “I am done with the back and forth with Sara. I need like a new relationship, new love. I am so done with that flip-flop action… there’s a switch that flips and like, it’s been flipped to the off position.”

What a provocative image!

we used to have a "clap on/clap off" light, but that got real crazy during sex

Instead she’s got her eye on Mel, another girl at the party. They didn’t mention this on the show, but Mel is the European Lovechild of Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan, as illustrated below:

SamRo + Lilo = MEL

There’s just one problem — Mel’s young!

Whitney: “Not underage young, like over the age — but I don’t know how much girl experience she has and it’s kinda intriguing, I’m not gonna lie.”

Thank you for your honesty, Whitney.

In the next episode of In Your Box Office, Julie & Brandy will refer to men as “penis people” and, since I’ve already seen the episode, I’m gonna start using that right now to refer to these folks.

Jesus Christ stab me in the hip with a shrimp kabob and firecrack my head open, penis people.

Cori’s gonna be ovulating in two weeks. Meanwhile, Kacy doesn’t have a penis because she’s not an Important Man (like so many of you watching at home).

maybe we should just get one of them chinese babies

In lieu of Kacy directly delivering the hot beef injection to Cori’s sweet sweet babymaking vadgehole, Kacy would like to maybe press a button and be “integrated into the process in some way.” The doctor says that’s okay, whatever you need, my Gay Sister. After all, she didn’t open up a practice in West Hollywood hoping for a bunch of Mennonites with their legs clamped together.

how can we be bette and tina if we don't do it at home

so if we could find a like, magic spell or something, that'd be *AWESOME*

The doctor says if Cori wants to be extra-fertile, she’s gotta quit smoking. Number-one thing.

Cori: “I’m really scared because I love smoking.”

The doctor makes a facial expression that means, I think, “y’all are fucked.”

What say you, Claire?

Next up is Drew, Romi’s Favorite Penis Person EVER!

duh it's mario from mario kart

Romi: “I met Drew through a lot of friends at a party.”

The attention to detail here is stunning!

“I don’t have a lot of men in my life,” says Romi. Romi’s father died four years ago. Then [some time ago], Romi was single and needy and apparently lost her Mom’s phone number and There Was Drew! This is sad, maybe to me, because that was me right after my father died, or maybe forever-after: you miss that protective energy Dads usually give. But women can give that energy, too, and without the weird smell in the morning. There’s actually nothing inherently masculine about protecting someone.

So maybe Romi wanting Kelsey to get a job isn’t as much about a beach house in Malibu as it is about wanting to feel “cared for.” She wants to be the flower and she wants Kelsey to be the gardener. I got that phraseology from Rosie O’Donnell, who considered herself the flower and Kelli was the gardener. Now they’re divorced.

Anyhow Drew looks so much like Mario from Mario Kart that I can’t really focus on anything but that.

maybe later romi i could slice you open like an avocado and have a serious feast

BUT the important part to remember, all you manly men watching at home, is that women cannot conduct themselves / feel safe sans men. We just trip over our petticoats and burn eggs and drink ourselves to death. It’s terrible. We leave the butter out and slip on it!

Just kidding WATCH OUT PATRIARCHY.

Romi’s fave part of Drew, howevs, is his moustache ’cause it’s just like Romi’s Dad’s moustache, which is semi-weird, but whatever. Drew’s gonna be her shelter from the storm. More specifically, he will be sheltering her with his moustache:

this dude is not fucking around

Drew’s concerned that Kelsey’s drinkity-drink-drinking will drive Romi to drink and suggests Romi  provide Kelsey with an “ultimatum.” That sounds fun, but Romi has to go home to her wife.

Romi: “Drew is very protective of me. I think if Drew had it his way, I’d be with nobody but him.”

Well I think the “message” of this conversation is that lesbians in hot sexy bikinis love hot wild men.

Back to the WET ‘N WILD POOL PARTY. First, the Cliff’s Notes version:

But if you want a more detailed explanation, here we go:

When Rachel arrives with Alyssa and Scarlett, Whitney notices Ray-Ray looking especially sexy:

Whitney: “She like walks in with her little sassy flair and her high heels. I find Rachel attractive when she’s NOT fucked up.”

and then i was like "i still give great haircuts," you know?

Rachel’s gotta save face after last week’s emotional meltdown, so she’s gonna save face by getting head.

oh. my. god. becky.

Rachel: “I think Whitney and Mel are flirting at the party. But Mel’s really young. And you can’t send a girl in to do what a lady can do.”

Whitney and Rachel are a great match sexually ’cause they’re both willing to have sex on the teevee (and ’cause they dated for three years) so it’s no surprise that Whitney pulls her into a bathroom to get all Mature Audience on our asses.

To be honest I haven’t watched any of the sex scenes in TRLW, instead I cover my face and scream. I don’t know, I’m either 12 or 65.

At some point during this scene I left the room and when I came back and I thought Rachel was throwing up in the sink, but in turns out Whitney was just fucking her from behind.

Back to sajdahjustgotborn dot tumblr dot blogspot dot com, a subsidiary of justgotborn dot blogspot dot tumblr dot com, in which we witness Sajdah’s birth, early years, pre-adolescence, adolescence, etc. It’s like Benjamin Button backwards and gay.

This week we’ll be planning our Barbie Dream House and learning about the birds and the bees.

remember what happened when dana thought it was too soon to move in with alice? she died, chanel. she died.

Sajdah thinks she and Chanel should live together, because Sajdah just got hit on the head with a rock.

Sajdah: “We have to pick out a new apartment.”
Chanel: “Yeah we do… for you.”

Oh, massive sidenote: I force Marni, my very very special friend, to watch this show with me, and sometimes I write down the things she says. Like this:

Marni: “Oh my god, I can’t.”

Sajdah: “Chanel and I have been together for three weeks now. I’m ready for Chanel to move in.”

Oh jeez. I wonder if she’s told Marissa.

Okay, here’s the deal with Sajdah — and sidenote, her storyline gets less and less plausible as the show goes on — these things she’s picking out to explain why Chanel is her soulmate aren’t soulmate-things. You can’t stop thinking about her? You wanna have sex with her? When you fought, the thought of losing her tore you up? Good! You should be girlfriends! That’s how dating and relationships begin. All of those things. So they’re on a good track, and Sajdah needs to slow her roll. She feels me:

Sajdah: “You can’t really handle big gulps of Sadj. You gotta sip it slow and I’m serving her in really big gulps right now.”

G-damn she’s got a talent of blaming everything on something totally unrelated. One day Sajdah’s gonna break her leg and be like, “it’s ’cause you wouldn’t leave that party last week.”

can you handle this / CHANEL! I said 'can you handle this'

how can we paint the walls when i don't even know your favorite color?

Chanel: “I feel like opening up physically when I feel that we’ve really connected emotionally and mentally.”
Sajdah: “We had sex the other day. That was yesterday.”
Chanel: [nods no, laughs]
Sajdah: “Yes we did.”
Chanel: “When we messed around? That’s not really — that’s not — it doesn’t count as sex.”
Sajdah: “I came. You came. We both came. I’m confused.”

Chanel: [shaking her head, cracking up] “That’s not sex!”
Sajdah: “What’s the difference?”
Chanel: [hysterically laughing] “That’s all — [can’t talk, laughing too hard] —
Sajdah: “I have a question. What was that? Can we have sex then if that wasn’t sex?”
Chanel: “Yeah, that’s what I was gonna tell you.”
Sajdah: “What the fuck? What am I missing?”
Chanel: “A lot.”

“I’ve only been a lesbian for a year and I’ve never been in a relationship,” Sajdah reminds her/us. She can repeat that all night long, that’ll never make it true.

and i was like, "just wait til you see this body naked"

Marni: [eating her salad] “I would feel really bad watching this right now if this wasn’t one of the best salads I’ve ever made. I’m really into this salad.”

Chanel’s really pretty.

Whitney’s doing a photo shoot because she’s a Hot Dancytown Supreme Cheermaster Sexylesbianpants Celesbidykeathon who does lots of super-cool things like start a super juicy hot red wet lesbian sexmachine party night because she’s super-famous and lesbians love Whitney. LOVE HER.

give me you're "let's talk about whitney" face

Her co-conspirators for the Juicy Party include Leslie, a DJ you may remember from Season One — she’s Nat (Rose’s girlfriend)’s sister, and another girl who’s pretty and hasn’t fucked Whitney, so, whatever.

Obviously Sara shows up, because let’s face it, girlfriend lives and dies for The Whit, and Whitney’s like, wtf, I told you the switch was OFF, bitch!

i'm having lindsay lohan flashbacks

Sara tries to get all up on Whitney — aka do her job — but Whitney’s too up in her brain-head of feelingspace to remember the photo shoot’s about getting good photos, not entangling as many people as possible into your personal drama.

Whitney: “I asked Sara to go-go dance when we were on good terms and now we’re not together so…”

Whitney marvels at how Sara didn’t “get it” — that being broken up meant no more go-go dancing at photoshoots — “she didn’t get it” “she didn’t get it.” “What’s wrong with her?” I feel like she’s trying to tell us that Sara’s mute or mentally challenged or something.

this grapefruit reminds me of how you felt when i fisted you in the shower

In preparation for Doing Sex, Sajdah & Chanel are getting STD tests, because that’s both responsible and WILDLY ENTERTAINING.

Sajdah: “Since I just found out that we’re not actually having sex, Chanel thought it would be a good idea to go get tested before we have sex for the first time.”

do you want me to check for any viruses ilene chaiken may have injected into your asses to "tell the story" of lesbians who get poisoned by other lesbians

Marni: “They could be doing worse things than getting HIV tested on TV–”
Me: “Yeah, they could be actually having sex.”

there's graham crackers in the car!

Sajdah’s never heard of STDs before, probably thought Finn really did get Quinn pregnant in the hot-tub.

Sajdah: “I know my grandmother ain’t get no STD test. She didn’t even know what a tampon was.”

Anyhow good news they don’t have HIV but have to wait for the rest of the results.

 

This week’s episode brought to you by the United Gynecologists of America.

Real L Word 204 Recap: The Other L Word (I Think It’s “Limoncello”)

Welcome to my “recap” of The Real L Word Episode 204, entitled “The Other L Word,” which I’m 75% sure is a reference to Lettuce, Lizzie McGuire, Little House on the Prairie or Looney Tunes: Back in Action.

There are few feelings as singularly devastating as the feeling of watching an episode of The Real L Word after watching a brand-new episode of True Blood. I mean, how can “I’m not gonna lie, I have feelings for you” compare to “Sookie, you are mine”? It can’t, that’s how, regardless of how often Whitney resembles a vampire.

Anyhow, as we proceed today I’d like to remind everyone at home that in order to produce these recaps, I have to completely forget that these are real human people and devote myself entirely to the “characters” created by the production team.

That being said, this weekend, Kelsey pointed out a factual inaccuracy in a graphic constructed by Intern Grace several weeks back. This graphic explained “things Kelsey does” as those things had been explained to us by The Show: Cooking, Cleaning and Getting Alcohol. This was, of course, an incomplete picture which fails to illustrate the true breadth of Kelsey’s skills/talents.

I promised to fix it and so we did!  Ta-DA! Revised:

She’s a poet and you didn’t even KNOW IT.

We open in the Den of Whit, where Rachel’s sitting in a chair, eating a raw yellow pepper with all the enthusiasm of a tranquilized Keroppi doll. Whitney arrives on her chariot of sex, claims she’s not eaten in days, and submits herself to another session of impromptu psychoanalysis.

no seriously it makes your vadge smell good, it's like the pineapple of vegetables

But first! An enrapturing discussion about the weight of Whitney’s hair, the nutritional value of Rachel’s favorite snack (no, not Whitney’s vadge! PEPPERS!) and decapitation.

Whitney: “I haven’t eaten in days and the first thing I’m eating is raw pepper.”
Rachel: “Maybe you should eat because you don’t want to become — your head you have a lot of head so what’s gonna happen is you’re gonna end up like this -” [bends her neck to the side]
Whitney: “Like a lollipop?” [sidenote: that is A FUCKED UP LOLLIPOP]
Rachel: “Your body won’t be able to support the massive hair/head ratio.”
Whitney: “There’s a lot of brains in this head.”
Rachel: “Brains?”
Whitney: “Underneath these dreads.”
Rachel: “I don’t know about that.”

Rachel believes Whitney’s going down a ‘rabbit hole’ with Sara and it’s disappointing and nothing like the movie with the Mad Hatter and the Red Queen and so forth. Whitney makes the following “point”:

Whitney: “Maybe right now — maybe my decisions aren’t the best but right now I’m trying to sort out my emotions because that’s what they are behind them — they are emotions behind them. And sometimes unfortunately you can’t control emotions!”

and this is why rachel takes klonopin

I believe Angela Chase has some wisdom to share on this particular topic:

“It’s such a lie that you should do what’s in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would grind to a halt.”

Whitney says Rachel’s being condescending, which is true, but also Whitney’s certainly got a better comeback in that giant-head-nest-dred-brain-holder of hers than “you can’t control emotions.”

Romi, sober and full of light, sleep, and hydration, is going to get her life on track.

if so could you pick up some beer on your way back?

Romi voiceovers that she feels “stuck” at Marc Jacobs, which is fair enough, security doors are complicated.

push it real good

Sober Romi is ready to grab life by its Vixskin balls and turn them into earrings. She’s right: giving up drinking helps you get your shit together quicker than you’d imagine. I say this while drinking, of course.

So thus Romi does some lunges and then runs around the pond in cute sweatpants and an unnecessary hat/doily thing and super-fancy headphones to the sweet sweet sounds of, I think, Enya.

i run for life

Claire, Queen of the Los Angeles Jungle, is moving out of the House of Thwarted College Romance into her own apartment. She’s dressed like Sue Sylvester for good luck.

there must be 50 better suitcases with which to leave your lover

Claire explains that because nobody likes her anymore, she’s gotta live by herself, which she’s never done before. But c’mon — LOOK AT THIS EXPOSED BRICK! I’d take exposed brick over two girlfriends any day.

it even comes with an end-table

Claire: “[Francine] should’ve told me before I moved out here that it was gonna be miserable, but she didn’t. She told me it was gonna be nice.”

How many people is it again that it takes to tango? Two, right? Yes, I believe it takes two to tango.

Cori and Kacy have mutual friends with Whitney and Sara, so they’re all together at the table, like monkeys at a picnic, NOT TALKING ABOUT SPERM. Instead, we get actual BACKSTORY! Like how they met, etc.

wow we are so much happier than those guys

After discussing her wanton party-girl youth and Kacy-permitted wild-oats-sowing period, Cori is forced to move on to a more sperm-focused convo ’cause Whitney asks about “the next step” in their storyline/relationship.

Whitney: “They’re like the perfect couple, they’re like the unicorn couple that you hear exists, but you never really see them out.”

It’s ’cause unicorn couples are always at home sperm-shopping, cuddling, shining their horns and watching Rachel.

and then i was like "i've never seen a femme with such a long horn before!"

So, are you guys together? Cori and Kacy ask Saritney. The two-second pause, muffled by Saritney’s awkward glances and chuckles, says more than their words ever could, and I’m not just saying that because Sara never talks and I can’t handle another Whitney Metaphor.

In fact, I have a metaphor of my own: Sara and Whitney, watching humans, are realizing that their relationship, much like vampires, melts in the sun.

oh my god we're so fucked

Whitney extracts some nonsense about being stubborn and being “into our own shit.” Somewhere over the rainbow, Samantha Jones is shaking her head and rolling her eyes and deadpanning; “Admit it, ladies. You’re just fucking and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

In addition to having the exact same crazytown feelings about relationships, Sajdah and Chanel have the EXACT SAME CRAZYTOWN BIRTHDAY.  Clearly both sets of parents were riding the hobby horse on the very same day, eventually leading to this fated moment when Sajdah would end up in Los Angeles, throwing a weird party filled with tiny pocket-sized scenes of Awkward!

i'd just like to note that a 2-year-old got a lower third and robin roemer didn't

AND A BABY!

Sajdah, being the Butch Gentlewoman that she is, is throwing a party for Chanel, a party she apparently planned despite only allegedly meeting Chanel two weeks ago. She’s rented a big fancy house “managed” by a girl named “Natasha” who is not, much to my disappointment, the same one who was engaged to Mr.Big.

flannel + dreadlocks = lesbian

Love stories!

that face means "this is crazy"

SO MUCH LOVE AT THE PARTY:

dead ringer for heather locklear in the lower right hand corner

Sajdah and Chanel aren’t having sex “currently,” but Sajdah is “planning for it” and “hoping for it.” I’m hoping it’ll be like when Donna Martin lost her virginity to David on 90210 and stacked a bunch of candles at the end of the bed (fire hazard!).

“The desire to have sex inspires me to do certain things,” Sajdah says. Story of my life. Actually, I believe that’s the story of every non-asexual human’s life. Desiring sex, doing things. Things like LAPDANCES!

this is never awkward for the rest of the guests

Sajdah, swept up by the power of Chanel’s ass and her own burning loins, literally hauls Chanel into the other room to execute the Seduction Plan she read about at the dentist. It starts with magical princess sexyloveface champagnesex drinkity-drink procured from Fairieland.

also, i bought you all the stars in the sky and put them in this bottle as a symbol of our love.

Sajdah could’ve gotten Chanel something boring like a pony, a Nintendo or a charm bracelet, but instead got Chanel a journal.

Chanel: Ooooo, I like the paper!

It’ll be a “tool” for them to express feelings to each other. Thank G-d. These kids need to stop fucking, hiking, watching sports and talking politics and get down to their FEELINGS.

(Also, maybe Showtime had a tie-in with Moleskin, ’cause I think Kelsey got a planner last week.)

There is not one thing in this scene that feels like it wants me to watch it.

Much like Shakespeare and Jeanette Winterson, Sajdah discovers, through the process of writing the first journal entry, that she’s in love with Chanel. Mmm-hm. What say you, Marissa?

Sajdah nabs three seconds of makeout heaven before Chanel has to get back to her guests, leaving Sajdah crawling on the floor like it’s that scene in Sesame Street where we learned the word “agua.”

the thing is that i feel like makin' love

a...g....u...aa

See the thing is —

and also with burberry and rainbows and butterflies and whole foods

Whitney and Sara are in bed together with their tattoos out, possibly naked.

that's so true about prop 8 being unconstitutional

Their mouths are moving and sometimes we snap over to another place, where it’s just Whitney sitting in front of the camera with her mouth moving. Then we go back to the first place where they’re in bed with their mouths moving, and sometimes not moving, and it appears that they then close their eyes and go to sleep.

it'd seem this was said

Oh fuck, I just had the mute button on. Oh well, NEXT!

Back in Sober House…

i hope you still found time to make me dinner, woman

Kelsey’s been walking all day. She walked up Melrose, Santa Monica, Hollywood, turned six tricks, stuck her hands in the Hollywood Walk of Stars, went to Ripley’s Believe it Or Not and applied to every California Pizza Kitchen in the whole g-ddamn state and thank Jesus Lord Christ Romi gives her a cuddle hug for her efforts. Aww.

Kelsey admits she’s been down lately but hasn’t said so ’cause Romi hasn’t been sympathetic. But that’s all in the past. Walking changes all that.

so can we have sex again

Romi: “When you find someone who’s like genuinely such a good human being and has such a good soul, you can work on that. Trying to fix someone’s soul and someone’s spirit is not something I’m interested in doing. Trying to fix somebody’s routine and agenda — I can do that.”

Gays have lots of practice with changing agendas.

Romi: “I need you to get rich or die trying.”
Kelsey: “I think that’s what’s gonna happen, I’m gonna die trying.”

Real L Word Episode 203 Recap: Back to Square One, Look What We’ve Become

Welcome to The Real L Word, Episode 203, “Blame it on the Alcohol,” named after the GLEE episode “Blame it on the Alcohol,” which was named after a song called “Blame it on the Alcohol” which was basically about when you do something unfortunate, and then say you only did it “because of the alcohol.”

Actually just kidding, it’s called “Back to Square One.” Before you get too excited, I should tell you that it’s not the Square One I thought it was.

not this square one

This week we re-learned that Real L Word Lesbians cannot handle their shit. These girls CANNOT. HANDLE. THEIR. SHIT. You girls need to get your shit together! Listen, take that zen-ninja-zoohoo-yazoo headband thing off your crazy alternative hairstyle situation and get off the stage and put your clothes on and stop letting strangers smell your hair.

No just kidding. Everyone on this show is really awesome and this show is SO AWESOME and it’s SO TOTALLY REAL. What’s cooler than real? Ice Real!

We open in trolly playground childland, where only steps away from frolicking toddlers, Kacy & Cori are sitting on a couch holding a mobile telephone, talking about sperm.

yeah totally sperm, it's like sea monkeys for your uterus!

Kacy and Cori are gonna purchase the hell out of those sperm units they found on the internet. How many? One? Two? THREE! They will purchase THREE of those units, from a dude who’s an “ID Donor” which means when their baby is 18 and hates her Two Moms she can call The Sperm Guy and see if he wants to hang out. You know, The Sperm Guy!

mark ruffalo, honorary lesbian and "Sperm Guy"

Glad we got sperm into the show within the first ten seconds. Never wanna take too long to make a tip of the hat to this program’s fine audience of sperm-producers. Ilene Chaiken, by the way, is the creator, director, writer and executive producer of not only this “hit series” but the hit series The L Word and also of SPERM.

Over in the Valley of Dashed Dreams, Claire’s trying on pants and Francine isn’t helping!

or no pants, too. is a thing.

Francine won’t be participating in Claire’s wardrobe dilemma because unlike Claire, Francine cannot simply set aside her feelings following Last Night’s illuminating life-changing fight of LESBIAN MEGADEATH and be like “yeah, wear those pants” or “wear those other pants.” You know?

look. your hair reminds me of van halen. okay? ok. i said it!

Claire has to move out, says Francine. They’ve been screaming at each other for so many years that both of them are getting permanent gravely-smokey-morning-after-death/sexy voices and it’s just not healthy.

+

Things Real L Word Girls Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Over at The Nail Salon, Sajdah is getting a pedicure (butches get pedicures too, guys!) with her straight friend Marissa, talking crazy about her new lady-love, Chanel.

So! This morning Sajdah and Chanel were exchanging the standard “good morning” texts shared between two lovers who just met and aren’t lovers yet, when Chanel busted out with:

“I just want you to always be excited about us and about me and support me and protect me in my time of need and I know that I’ll do the same for you.”

Well.

What say you on this, Marissa?

mhm

Marissa: “These kinds of messages, in text? You don’t even know her favorite color! And you’re at — “I need you to protect me”? Get the fuck outta here! I mean, are you kidding me?”

Sajdah likes it. She can’t think about any other girls, so she might as well marry this one. That’s rare, you know. When you meet someone you really like and then can’t stop thinking about them.

Marissa: “Support me? Protect me? I don’t even know your favorite color! I don’t even know if you like night or day!”

Sajdah admits these are uncharted waters, as she’s never been in a relationship before and lived in a tiny cave with her mother prior to moving to Los Angeles where she never heard anything about anyone else’s relationships ever. Marissa has been in relationships, and what does Marissa think, again?

Final answer?

Not so fast:

That’s not what Bailey told Callie:

but it sure is nice if you have 'em anyhow

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Whitney’s taking a little trip to San Francisco. San Francisco is her “playground” which makes me feel weird and like maybe I should move. “San Francisco is my Vegas,” says Whitney Queen of the Nile and Queen of the Metaphor.

ass titties ass titties ass as titties ass ass and titties

Whitney’s going to The Lexington, which she describes as “The Cheers of Lesbians,” aka “the dive bar where every dyke knows your name.”  And if they don’t know your name then they probably won’t let you play next at pool. Sorry bro.

Oh guess who’s in San Francisco?

same song, second verse, a little bit louder and a lot less worse

Once upon a time, Jaq & Whitney had a thing but then this one time Whitney and Jaq were in bed being sexy and then Whitney spied Jaq on THE FACEBOOK changing her relationship status and Whitney was like:

Whitney says there’s still chemistry with Jaq. Wow! Life gets curiouser and curiouser by the minute.

because L.A. is clearly the problem

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Kelsey’s been sexually fantasizing about Romi all day whilst preparing a romantic candle-light dinner and now Romi has returned from the big bad world, sober as a judge, to spend the evening with her lanky lady-love.

Oh! Romi got Kelsey a present! It’s a planner!

Romi: “It’s gonna help you!… You can organize your schedule and get all your shit in here!”

Mhm, this is kinda like when your Mom gets you shoes so that you can’t stay at home all day, talking to your imaginary fairy-friends from your fantasy novels. Kelsey loves it though, ’cause she loves Romi.

this dinner's great. are you trying to get laid?

Romi’s given up the drink, which’ll be an issue ’cause Kelsey is still drinking and also ’cause they’ve been drunk pretty much since they met. For example, Kelsey is drinking right now! From a giant wine bottle! A GIANT wine bottle!

i can't believe we can almost see kelsey's underpants. so inappropriate

Kelsey loves wine! Drink drink drink. Poor Romi, seeing the sad sad world as it is through her new sober eyes, is like “why is everyone drunk.”

After Romi’s Roman Bath, the ladies retire/drink:

what, it's manichevitz

Romi tells Kelsey that Kelsey is drunk, but Kelsey insists that nnnnahhh she’s justt FESTIVE!

just one game of hide the salami just one game

When Kelsey’s drunk, she reminds Romi of Romi. So then sex is like Black Swan. And also:

Most important takeaway of this scene, however – Romi’s like super tan all of a sudden:

get this woman a make-up job on "jersey shore"

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Meanwhile, Whitney, wearing her Native Heatband, is stalking the streets of my city like a lesbian hulkstress of the evening, striking terror into everybody’s bones.

i thought this was maybe the rose part, and for a second i was like "i miss rose" and then i was like what the fuck is wrong with me

Hip-hop blares. Whitney enters CLUB TRIGGER, stands on stage, and yells some words. Everybody’s vadge explodes into the night. The party is on POW POW and Whitney’s gonna meet her fans and their tattoos! Whitney loves meeting her fans.

real fans have sleeve tattoos

“Girls always wanna smell my hair,” Whitney says, like she has no idea that it’s ’cause they wanna see if it smells so they can text everyone about it.

do we have to talk about this

Whitney wants to let Jaq know that Jaq still has “a place in [her] heart” and the way to Whitney’s heart is through her vagina.

Y’all, Whitney and Jaq are gonna have sex! I saw it on Jaq’s facebook. It’s gone now, but I swear it was there and I saw it and look:

backroom babylon

Whitney: “It’s refreshing to not have to deal with intense drama or confusing emotions.”

Whitney has simple emotions: she thinks about herself at all times. The rest of it is very confusing. This person’s emotions, that person’s emotions, etc. Yawn!

Good news! By placing her lips on Whitney’s lips and touching Whitney’s body parts with her body parts, Jaq is helping Whitney forget about all that trouble with Sara!

i give you the power of the jedi clam

Speaking of the Red Devil! Sara’s in Los Angeles where she’s dancing very sexily for her “roommate’s music video.”

"this is my barbie goes to the cherokee reservation look"

Sara’s kicking back a bottle of vino, Kelsey-style, in her litte gold hotpants:

I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but our design director Alex Vega has those exact same golden hotpants. True story. She bought them the day that we met. See:

alex vega, just caught napping

Before we get any further you might be thinking — Sara’s roommate? Who’s Sara’s roommate? This seems like a pretty involved video shoot, right? Like this is for a music video. For Sara’s roommate. Yet searching “Sara’s roommate” on iTunes you’ll come up empty.

I know this might surprise you, based on how Showtime decided to use footage from an Autostraddle photoshoot without crediting us, our photographer, or the project the photoshoot was for — but OOPS! THEY DID IT AGAIN!

Check out Lady Tragik. Here’s Lady Tragik’s video of that shoot, featuring ‘Dirty Bitch,’ the song the video was for (which is not the song that plays during the episode, though you may recognize the episode song (which is not by Lady Tragik or related in any way to the scene) from, I think, a Calendar Girls video).

I guess Ilene Chaiken forgets that The Chart isn’t just about who you fuck, it’s WHO GETS FUCKED, too.

Anyhow back to the “storyline” as it’s being sold to us —

“I just met this girl Erica, and I’m pretty into her,” Sara voice-overs while tripping over the photoshoot set while guzzling wine, a la Lindsay Lohan at that one photo shoot where she was talking about Samantha Ronson except with more making out.

no see, that's not much, i should probably drink all of it myself

Sara’s roommate says Sara’s not allowed to do footage takebacks tomorrow when she’s sober. Shouldn’t be a problem, I think Sara’s pretty comfortable with widely-distributed footage of herself drunk touching her vadge.

accurate representation of my visual situation during the real l word

Sara: “Whitney’s doing her thing in San Francisco so I’m gonna do mine.”

Here’s “her’s”:

armsleeve by keith haring, tattoo sleeve by west hollywood

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

your shirt reminds me of the sunset, the kind i want to watch with chanel while she nurses our baby

Sajdah’s gotta find a new apartment. Maybe she’ll move in with whatshername.

Marissa: “It’s too soon!”
Sajdah: “Maybe I’m just that fucking amazing!”
Marissa: “Or maybe you’re fucking crazy too!”

Sajdah’s Mom calls to complain about Sajdah flaunting her sexuality on The Book of Face, which I’m imagining was in the form of an “I felt you in my legs before I ever met you/ And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you / I feel you in my heart and I don’t even know you” headline.

it's not like i'm pokin at you for real!

Sajdah: “Ma, it’s my personal facebook, everybody puts their personal stuff on facebook!”

That’s the thing about Moms of grown-up kids. They don’t realize that Facebook is where people put personal stuff, not just where they stalk their own children and other people’s children and then render unfair judgments about them to share with other Moms. Where’s your content, Mom.

Sajdah explains that growing up it was just Sajdah and her Mom. Just the two of them, building castles in the sky, just the two of them, and not one guy.

Sajdah seems to have faith her Mom will come around when she gets used to the idea. I’m sure this show will help.

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Mom

RETURNING TO THE TRAVELING DEN OF SIN! Whit-Me is all sleepyslutted out and Jaq in the Baq slips in for a morning-after steamroller.

hi baby these weird guys with cameras are following me around asking me to take my shirt off

Jaq’s got to go, but Whitney wants to cuddle. JK, she wants to talk about herself in an impromptu bedside interview:

hot mess party dress

Whitney: “Jaq is very pleasant to be with. She hasn’t burned bridges with people, I don’t know it’s just different from things lately I’ve been used to.”

Real L Word Episode 202 Recap: The Morning After We Got Drunkity Drunk Drunk

Welcome to Real L Word Episode 202, which I’m recapping because I didn’t make Intern Grace create 1,000 screencaps and a pie chart about Kelsey’s household duties just to quit!

This week on The Real L Word, everyone took turns repeating how they feel about Whitney, Sajdah did a cross-country triathlon to support the research of exotic airborne diseases afflicting super-super-underprivileged populations, Romi considered taking Kelsey to Mommy & Me Yoga to spice things up in the bedroom, Kacy and Cori were sitting in a tree T-A-L-K-I-N-G A-B-O-U-T S-P-E-R-M and then Showtime sent me a check and I bought everybody a trip to Disneyworld. They need a Real L Word Special where they visit Disneyworld, like when The Brady Bunch went to Kings Island.

Even though I don’t play video games, I think The Real L Word would be better as a video game, like Leisure Suit Larry.

Anyhow, let’s get this show on the road, hopefully it’ll get run over! I’m trying really hard to put aside my affections for humanity and treat these people like the “characters” the editors have turned them into, which is taking a toll on my soul. From The Frisky:

A large part of being a lesbian is sex. A large part of being a human is sex. But why does lesbian sex have to be the focus of the only reality show that’s on television claiming to be telling lesbian stories? When the women are not in the bedroom, they are discussing otherwise banal topics and quite obviously aren’t able to find a story that’s worth televising.

Worth noting:

Good morning! Would you like some eggs, waffles, or Sara’s tits? All three minus the first two? PERFECT!

Despite just waking up, Sara’s already prepared for a day in the cages:

guard your asshole, she’s got those heels on again

Whitney muses that, “it always feels good to be intimate with Sara.” Sara is the new Skintimate, pronounced “SkAN -TEH- MATE.” Also, Whitney is addicted to Sara, heroin and analogies. Today Whitney compares herself to Romeo from Shakespeare’s famous Romeo & Juliet.

Sara: “So should I like, fake my death sometime soon? Or wait, or you are, because you’re Juliet.”
Whitney: “Then I’d really die. That sounds actually accurate. Like you would get out alive and I’d be in the bedroom dying. You would be like ‘damn, I’m actually just sleeping, yeah bitch don’t take it so seriously.”

After a morning spent doing it doggy-style, the ladies take their dogs to the park, in style.

matchy-matchy

Sara and Whitme, looking very homeless chic, describe “the dog park” as “like Disneyland for dogs” except without rides, lines, food, people dressed as cartoon characters, Captain EO, or fireworks. Children, probably also led to this deserted land by adults promising Space Mountain, discover Disney Magic in Sahara’s face:

it’s ok, it’s just a tennis ball we were playing with last night

Just in case you’d forgotten and needed an update, Whitney reminds us that she’s conflicted about her feelings for Sara!

Rachel and an unidentified girl (probably she works for Autostraddle) brought a dog who wants to taste the Disney Magic/grass and are surprised to see that there’s another camera crew already on the land.

we’re supposed to be acting surprised, right?

After standing around and looking at each other for a little while they decide to go take their dogs somewhere else. Somewhere CLEANER. With FAIRY PRINCESSES.

Claire recaps last night in case it wasn’t exciting enough the first time. The way Claire figures it, Francine’s being an asshole ’cause she’s scared to let Claire in / get hurt again. Silly Francine, trying to protect her little baby heart! Someone get that girl a churro!

it’s true, francine is a vampire

Once again Claire addresses the most pressing issue currently facing out nation’s lesbians: a lack of a lesbian website/online magazine for people of our generation. My heart — it swells!

Then Claire hops on the telephono with Franny to talk nonsense. When Claire says “your behavior last night was not good,” it’s difficult to tell if she’s talking to Francine or the dog, which I think is a bad sign.

yes i’m eating your kix. what? just ’cause i’ve got cracklin’ oat bran in new york doesn’t mean i don’t crave Kix sometimes. It was my first cereal ever

Sadjah’s straight friend Marrisa is visiting and Sajdah wants to ensure the week isn’t too gay, besides the gay reality show cameras following them everywhere.

sajdah will take the heavy stuff

For example — before the gay pride march, Indigo Girls concert, flannel-shopping trip and Tomboiswagg party — they’re eating. Food! At a table. Just like straight people do every day.

why isn’t marissa eating her soup, i want some

“Did I tell you I’m stalking a girl?” Sajdah asks Marissa. Well she shouldn’t tell her that ’cause it’s not true, she wouldn’t know a real stalker if it was hiding in a bush in her front yard with a machete.

Sajdah says it’s Stalker Appreciation Month or Stalker Awareness Month. I think it’s the latter because I’m all too aware, but not so appreciative.

“Lesbians fall in love in all of 30 minutes,” says Sajdah, who’s allegedly been out for one year, never had a girlfriend or a gay scene and is an expert on lesbian life.

girls lol

I think Sajdah gets the award for getting her fake-story-self and her actual self mixed up most often. Also, her scenes have been tinged with sadness for me after discovering her twitter:

Kacy & Cori have left the privacy of their own home and are in a restaurant, talking about sperm.

did i leave the oven on

Kacy’s ovulating in a month and she’ll never ever ovulate again if they can’t find a guy to jerk off in a cup for them STAT.

What they should do is have a party — a screening of The Real L Word – invite all their straight male friends to come, line the floors with saran wrap, and let the jerkoff juice fall where it may. Then just mop that shit up, drop it into a sippy cup and turkey-baster-blast that baby right into rock ‘n roll heaven.

maybe i can get pregnant via black magic

The duo agrees that they’d underestimated the attachment men have to their sperm. I underestimated the attachment Ilene Chaiken has to men who have attachment to their sperm. Cori wants to find a man they know and suggests craigslist. Who edited this scene.

Also, this is Cori & Kacy a few weeks ago:

Just saying.

Romi, who’s rocking a Cleopatra/Mother-Hubbard/Ziggy Stardust ensemble, has brought her mother onto the program for a meal with her girlfriend, Kelsey, who still wants more attention/sex, but probs won’t get it as long as these cameras/booms are tracking them down.

“baby i don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re fucked.”

Romi is lamenting how tough life is for her and Kelsey in West Hollywood, with their home and food and jobs, and when Kelsey mentions making a mistake at work, Romi is like, “heads up to both of us, Kelsey might lose her job soon!” And then what. Then what? Who will feed Sean Jayden? Will everyone have to switch to Cover Girl?

for the first and last time in her life, kelsey found herself needing the same thing ilene chaiken needed

Romi talks about Kelsey while Kelsey stares at the table, like about how Romi’s paying for the roof over their heads. Who’s paying for the walls, huh? HUH? Kelsey’s 23, Romi explains, she’s never had to pay rent and pay for her bills. It’s really a wonder she even knows how to flush the toilet.

Kelsey: “She used to be so passionate and romantic, and you know, couldn’t keep her hands off me and now, she just–”
Romi: “I did. I would just want to rape her every time I saw her. I would just grab her and hug her — I get. I get– I’m — I get in my head, I have a lot going on — and I’ve been pissed off — and I don’t want to rip your clothes off–”
Kelsey: “Really? You’ve been pissed off at me?”
Romi: “Because of the whole like, money thing –”
Kelsey: “Yeah yeah yeah.” [looks down, sighs, looks up] “GOD.”

this facial expression situation is becoming rather common

Romi’s Mom gives wise words. Someone get this woman a spinoff, it could be like The View, with Ellen’s Mom and Debby Navotny.

Back to Whitneyhouse, where girls can be girls, and talk about girls!

so we’re uh… we’re having this conversation again? yeah? really?

I found the dialogue in this scene so captivating and reminiscent of Mamet, Stoppard and Tennessee Williams that I had to transcribe it for you:

Alyssa: “I just heard that you hooked up with Sara again.”
Whitney: “And who told you that?”
Alyssa: “Does it matter?”
Whitney: “Yeah, it does matter.”
Alyssa: “It doesn’t.”
Whitney: “It does.”
Alyssa: “It doesn’t matter.”
Whitney: “Who told you that?”
Alyssa: “I’m not telling you it doesn’t matter.”
Whitney: “Who told you that?”
Alyssa: “I’m not telling you! I said, it doesn’t matter.”
Whitney: “Who the fuck told you that?”
Alyssa: “I’m not telling you!”
Whitney: “Tell me the person–”
Alyssa: “No, I’m not telling you is what I just said. The point is — is — what happens? I can’t believe–”
Whitney: “No, hold on a second—”
Alyssa: “I have this weird feeling that you’re like — having an alternate life–”
Whitney: “What the fuck are you talking about dude?”

Alyssa’s exhausted from all this nonsense. Us too.

Whitney: “I’m a fucking adult, number one, and number two and I could either get butthurt over shit or I could just take it like I already did because I’m single and i do what I want to do.”

tinkerbell wants out

Who told Alyssa that Whitney hooked up with Sara? Probably the camera man. Alyssa’s got another little metaphor for Sara’s intense appeal.

Alyssa: “She liked sprinkled voodoo dust up on Whitney’s head!”

Well, nobody will ever find it in there.

The most important piece of information gleaned from this conversation is that Sara has breast implants.

i believe whitney has already done so

This is how Whitney feels:

This is how Rachel feels:

Speaking of SLAPPING THE VADGE!…

In the next scene, Rachel explains that she hasn’t seen Whitney much since moving there and therefore she has some pent-up sexual desire. Furthermore, Rachel reveals that she enjoys porn featuring straight girls sucking men’s dicks, a.k.a. “blow jobs.” (sidenote: many gay girls I know masturbate to straight porn, obvi, we like what we like, not an issue. But in this context — a lesbian show already being accused of going soft-core porn this season to appeal to male viewers — this is all sort of suspicious.)

Rachel then uses an erotic toy to stimulate herself while watching the straight porn of blow jobs. She makes a lot of noises that I believe are cinematic orgasmic sounds. At the end of this scene — no. Not even at the end. About 15 seconds into this scene, I began praying for a Grizzly Bear to smash my eyeballs into my skull like grapes. Little smushed up grapes.

I don’t know why this is happening. Why is this happening?

join the club

So, now that we’ve basically lost all hope for the future of lesbian entertainment, let’s return to Francine’s Love Lounge where Claire and Francine are preparing a meal. There are snags, like where’s the cutting board. Claire searched all over for the cutting board but couldn’t find it. Where will they cut? This issue is never resolved, unfortunately. How do you misplace a cutting board? Do you take it to your room to dice tomatoes before bed?

i never would’ve worn these pants in 2008, i’m like such a changed woman

Francine: “You know when I was little I used to love Ricky Martin I thought he was so sexy.”
Claire: “Now he’s gay, just like you.”

The “thing” is still there, but it’s kinda scary.

Francine: “Your first love will always have a special place in your heart.”

For the remainder of the scene Claire alternates between saying something to Francine and then telling Francine why that something she just said is indicative of Claire’s status as a “changed woman” who is “older now.” She’s 26. They dated from 19-23. So it’s been three years since they last steamed broccoli together.

cheers to whatever aspects of your storyline may be true

Claire: “I like this. Working out, cooking, she’s like a changed woman”

Claire points out that she’s purchased three lesbian magazines, look see:

magazines operated by people ilene chaiken doesn’t have a personal vendetta against

We catch up with Sajdah the Boi Scout at, literally, a “Martin Luther King Parade” with her Gay & Lesbian Center Cult-Buddies. Unfortunately for Marrissa, the memory of Martin Luther King Jr is probably the straightest thing at this event and her breakfast pastry knows it.

is this blueberry coffee cake gay

They catch up with Chanel and Sajdah reports on Chanel’s Parade Couture: “her breasts were all up and shit.” A rose by any other name…

Sajdah feels gay rights are the new civil rights/”race relations” and this fight is important to her.

Honestly the people marching in this parade in this scene look happier than anyone has ever looked on The Real L Word since the last time Jill and Nikki screamed about bunnies.

Sajdah says having Chanel close by during the parade gave it meaning and the emotional element. Is she talking about the intoxicating scent of Chanel No.5, or about the girl Chanel?  Stay tuned!

The Real L Word Recap: Episode 201 – Fresh Start Body Parts

HELLO WORLD HELLO NEW YORK HELLO CHICAGO I’m not gonna say “HELLO WEST HOLLYWOOD” because I don’t think anyone in West Hollywood watches this show.

Welcome to the very first week of an exercise in extended intellectual torture known as “The Real L Word recaps.” This week on The Real L Word, a show about hairstylists who like Whitney; Whitney made love to three girls/one banjo, Romi built a snowman and didn’t have sex with it, Kacy and Cori talked about male genitals, and the entire world exploded. It was like the big bang!

Then, back in Los Angeles and/or New York, a bunch of pretty girls in makeup, pants, shirts and sometimes skirts, talked to each other (mostly about vaginas) and did other day-to-day things, like grocery shopping. Then Kacy and Cori changed their names to Kaci and Cory (officially) and everyone took their shirts off. Let’s get this over with shall we? Just breathe. You might feel some cold metal but that’s perfectly normal.

Oh but FIRST! This year, my dear lambchops, is especially special. If you thought Ilene Chaiken peaked when she killed Dana or when she put us on her blacklist last year (which, to be honest, delighted me), you were very wrong. This year, if anyone in the comments asks “What’s your problem with this show/person?” I have a new, superior, fantastically spectacular specific-to-us reason to add to my pre-existing list ‘o reasons already long enough to wipe your ass backwards forwards and inside out with. I’ll get to that reason later.

Anyhow, in light of recent yet-undisclosed events (later!), I’ve got mixed feelings about writing these recaps, homos! I mean, it’s like so many layers of compromises and lessers of two evils and I’m so tired and sick of thinking about the right paragraphs to describe this and so! Later!

Here’s a message for life: large corporations are assholes. Period! Trust your friends and only your friends.

Here’s a tip for life: Watch this show like it’s a mockumentary and it’s actually really fucking funny. Think that this is like The Office except it’s lesbian life instead of a paper company!

opening the show by opening some girl’s legs

The opening credits begin and before you can say “OH MY GOD NOT THAT SONG AGAIN” (this is a familiar feeling w/r/t “lesbian teevee shows by Ilene Chaiken, eh?”) everything looks really fucking awesome and your heart explodes with happiness over the higher production value of the show. We will harvest these pebbles from your benevolent hand, Showtime. 

We open my slow descent into the firey pits of hell with Whitney in her car, wearing her Princess Lea/UFO-Communicator knitted helmet, listening to Sara leave her a voicemail about how she “feels bad about things being awkward between us,” like L.C. and Kristen Cavallari.

everybody exists in relation to whitney because she is the center of the ourchart solar system

It’s clear we’re gonna get to know Sara a little better this season:

Sara wants to talk about how much Whitney misses her and Whitney wants to talk about how much she misses being on television.

Whitney: “The lesbian wheel is my life. It’s lesbians entering and exiting and entering again and exiting in one constant flow. And at the center of that wheel is Sara.”

Spooky!

Sara & Whitney drink drinks and suggestively chew on vegetables while Sara tries to hypnotize Whitney with her cleavage. If you watch this scene stoned, it’s actually kinda hilarious.

i wonder if she’s cold with only one sleeve on

Whitney’s friends have warned her about Sara, because Sara is Vampire and Sara/Whitney have got too many tattoos so looking at them both at the same time is hard on the ol’ eyeballs. When Whitney resists the power of Sara’s clam Sara wants to shake her!  SHAKE HER TO PIECES.

“That’s your problem, you’re thinking too much,” Sara tells Whitney re: Whitney’s resistance to loving Sara forever. I’m concerned that if Whitney cut down any more on the amount of time she spends thinking about what she does to women, she might as well just stand on her porch with her strap-on out, waiting for visitors.

Whitney doesn’t know what happens next, she’ll have to meet with a script supervisor. Sara says she’s sick of living in the past. Showtime isn’t!

WHAT PAST? FLASHBACK!

Oh yeah. That past!

Whitney’s addicted to Sara and wants to be on Addicted but Sara’s worried that’s a lot of shows to be on at once and they’ll run out of eyeliner.

Sara: “Oh my god really you’re comparing this to heroin?”

I think Whit-me is wearing so many hats on purpose so that we can’t draw hats on her, like this:

Later on in the episode Whitney will be wearing TWO HATS! TWO! You’ll see.

Whitney: “You just get under my soul. Like some form of leprosy slowly eating away at my limbs and my skin.”

Sara: “I like those limbs.”

Me: “Oh my god you’re really comparing her to leprosy?”

In New York, New York, home of the Statue of Liberty, it’s Romi’s 29th birthday and she’s frolicking in the Central Park snow with her new lady-love, Kelsey.

another example of how the universe revolves around whitney

Romi waxes on her history with Whitney, which she now realizes wasn’t driven by their incredible intellectual connection or similar opinions on Murakami, but by lust/sexual desire.

Here’s evidence in the form of a FLASHBACK!

That was pretty much it for Romi right there. After that situation she’s sort of just wanted to cuddle. Kelsey wants more lady-kisses but Romi says the moment when she wants to kiss Kelsey will come when she’s drunk and Kelsey can take advantage of her. That’s not the only kind of sex, Romers.

this is just like “scent of a woman”

Romi says “from head to toe [Kelsey is] my type.” Here let me clarify that for you:

Also, they haven’t had sex in three weeks.

Let’s meet Claire!

also, whitney’s ex-ex-ex-ex-ex girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s friend’s friend

I black out while Claire explains she’s moving to LA to start a “website about lesbian life” to fill the void, because there aren’t any websites about lesbians anywhere. Mhm. I agree. Somebody better get on that!

For real though — Claire’s moving to Los Angeles because her first girlfriend lives there and she’s sick of masturbating to the same fantasy cross-continentally when it’d be so much more efficient to masturbate together in the same room/city/state.

rice is healthy and tastes great with stir-fry. I get that. That’s okay.

In order to REALLY commit to Vivian, Claire’s gotta go see if some other girl is Claire’s actual soulmate.

to a long career in party promotion and many gay pride appearances!

Vivian: “It’s kinda hard to just be okay with that.”

I’d argue it’s “impossible/improbable” to just be okay with that! What is going on here?!

also nancy, deb, carol, sue, marty and all the girls in the community women’s orchestra love you.

One of Claire’s friends at the Last Supper points out that “this is what you’re leaving” and she gestures around the table at all of Claire’s friends. That’s right Claire. You’re not just leaving Vivian you’re also leaving 12 silverware sets, a table, some chopsticks, and lots of cups. Lots and LOTS of cups.

We arrive at Francine’s mystery photo shoot, where Francine is posing — seemingly TOPLESS — for a bunch of unidentified strangers. What is this? Is it LA Fashion Week? School Picture Day? Romi’s Tragik School of Makeup?

who’s that girl in the back with the vest, i don’t trust her

Luckily I am close personal friends with world renowned fashion photographer Robin Roemer of Robin Roemer Photography and her Stylist Sara Medd and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this photoshoot was in fact for the 2012 Autostraddle Calendar! Francine’s been friends with Robin forever-ever and was an obvious choice for the calendar when Robin started setting up the LA shoot. Then Francine got cast on TRLW and now she’s Miss June for Autostraddle.com,  Ilene Chaiken’s favorite website besides OurChart!

behind the mask she sees the truth

[You’d ALL know this was an AS Calendar Shoot just from watching the show (and more importantly, ppl who’ve never heard of AS would know this) via verbal/visual mention on the show, but we ultimately lacked the power/money to force Showtime to adhere to the terms of the release contract Autostraddle/Alex and Robin signed with them. At least everyone got to experience the terror of being on television under misleading circumstances, just like the cast of Season One! (Although we actually anticipated said circumstances, thus our fastidiousness with aforementioned contracts.)

Needless to say, we’re all genuinely disappointed that only one end of the exchange established between AS/Robin and Showtime was fulfilled (our side!). We’re disappointed on a personal level, on a broader level, and on a purely logistical/technical level. It’s like a seven-layer dip of disappointment which I’ll talk about in a different post.]

Anyhow! Alex and Kelli and Robin and Sara and all the hair/makeup people and additional photographers/helpers/humans/vegan snack-bakers who pooled their resources to make this shoot happen had a great time, the crew from Magical Elves was super sweet, and we’re really pumped to have Francine in the calendar.

My intern wrote “Autostraddle.com Photoshoot on this picture” for me, just to be nice:

MY INTERN DID THIS, SHOWTIME. MY INTERN DID THIS.

Robin Roemer is such a good photographer of The Real L Word’s Francine photoshoot lesbian photograph lesbian calendar Francine Real L Word Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual photoshoot calendar lesbian sex beautiful lesbian beauties.

three girls one couch and also one photographer

The only note I have taken on this scene besides some animal noises of frustration is this quote:

Francine: “I can’t believe she’s actually moving here.”

WATCH OUT FOR THE STRANGER WITH THE TWEEZERS

Meanwhile on True Life: I’m a Lesbian in Los Angeles, our fine citizen Sajdah is having creamed-corn-sex with Scarlettor. Just kidding! She’s doing her job as a field organizer who recruits students to help reverse Prop 8. Basically they go out to voters, glamour them, suck out their blood, and tell them that Maggie Gallagher never happened.

Sajdah: “I’m new to LA life and LA lesbians — like I’ve only been out for a year. And I was on the ballot for prom queen in high school — things have changed a lot.”

Sajdah’s mom thought the gay thing was just a phase, like football and wearing light blue. Here’s the thing though:

Sadja’s still wearing light blue.

When a straight girl rebuffs Sajdah’s game, Sajdah assures her: “You’re one pride away from joining the rainbow coalition. We’re gonna give you a complementary pack of skittles.”

you could be tasting the rainbow. for sure.

Kacy & Cori are sitting on the couch, talking about ovulation. Just another day in Lesbian Clicheverse!

Kacy & Cori make me miss Nikki & Jill because Nikki & Jill were so much easier to make fun of. (Love you guys!)

Kaycor isn’t impressed with the internet’s donor-related offerings. They wanna “vibe” with someone. Also:

Also:

Cori: “I don’t want some Joe Shmoe that needed money for a six-pack so he went and beat off into a cup!”

This brought me to this –> ”the penis, the pussy, the baby, pfff!”

Sara’s invited Whitney over ’cause Sara’s got a couple of things she needs “done” around her apartment. You know, her lamp, a mirror, a strange voodoo wall ornament, her vagina.

“How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb,” Whitney asks. I think five — Whitney, three girls to flirt with Whitney and one to change the lightbulb. Probably Alyssa. So maybe just one, as long as it’s Alyssa.

Whitney: “I like taking care of people. It makes me feel good or comfortable. And Sara likes being taken care of.”

either i use this to fuck you or i use it to kill you. you decide.

Whitney knows in the depths of her brain that Sara is not good for her. (I was going to make a graphic representing Whitney’s brain here but I couldn’t think of enough things to fill it with).

Real L Word Episode 109 Recap: Dinah or Bust Me in the Face Already

At the end of this week’s educational laugh-a-minute heart-pounding action-packed sizzling-smoking-red-hot-naked-sparkly season finale of The Real L Word, Ilene Chaiken attempted to ensure a Season Two by hypnotizing the audience into a starving zombie trance. Poltergeist/EZ-Girl style musical intonations asked our hungry hearts to crave a Season Two Sandwich-Pack: “I just want you to stay,” the music told us. “Don’t say goodbye,” it said ten times. This week, Whitney saved Nikki’s dog from a burning building, Mikey did a Zach Morris time freeze and everyone did a Riverdance, come on don’t you WANT US TO STAYYYYYYY?

Well, unlike EZ Girl’s classic “Shane and Carmen Fucking,” the I JUST WANT YOU TO STAY track laid over the Saved by the Bell Friends Forever Ending Montage of Love/Future/Sunset did not steal our souls. It was a good song, and actually it was a good episode too, but this is not weheartit dot com. LA Fashion Week is OVER BITCHES. This ain’t no disco. This is Dinah Shore Weekend. Welcome to the future.

Mostly, this episode solidified my mind’s 5,000-word thesis on how this show could’ve been so much better than it was (just like The L Word!), which I will be posting on Autostraddle in under 1,500 words at some point in the next 24 hours. If you’re wondering if it’s hard for me to go through life knowing so much more than everyone else, the answer is yes, it is. Very hard. Difficult to make friends, actually.

I suggest you print out this recap, staple it together, and take it with you somewhere to read. Then it will feel like a magazine, which costs money, and then you’ll feel like, “Oh my god, did I accidentally steal a magazine?!!” and then you’ll come back and pay for it.

Oh right, this show, dunzo. Let’s talk about it. Let’s relive it together, as a family, because not all of you were present when Carly, Jess, Laneia and I lived it together as a family LIVE.

BUT FIRST! Something changed for me this week w/r/t how I feel about The L Word. Yup. The Original.

It started when Rose and Nat were throwing around 3-4 standard key phrases always employed in Nat-Rose scuffles: you’re a bitch, don’t be drama, Rose could fuck all these bitches and/or a bag of chips right now if she wanted, ok then go, ok face the fact that you’re not talking right, la la la, and you know who I missed?

I missed Papi and I nearly called her for a churro, ’til I remembered —

Rose, you’ve made me re-think Papi. See, prior to learning that Rose had inspired the character of Papi, I’d assumed Papi to be a conglomerate of cheap Latina stereotypes Ilene had picked up from watching movies about earnest white teachers who inspire inner-city high school English students to believe in themselves. But no, Papi was based on an actual human being!

I’m grateful for Papi’s existence as Autostraddle’s aggressive promotion of “Really Papi Really” into the internet lexicon will probs be our only true legacy. But I failed to make the obvious connection: Papi was a PUNCHLINE. She was a joke, a parody, and she was fucking hilarious. On a show that had never cared about racial diversity, it was totally irresponsible to make Papi the punchline which, unfortunately, made her less funny than she would’ve been as the comic relief in a more responsibly representative show.

Anyhow, I’ve chosen to share some of Papi’s best lines with you during this recap, which is the best I can do short of writing an article called Crystal Loves Papi, making Really Papi Really t-shirts or writing the recap in Papispeak a la FourFour’s Natashaspeak recap.

It’s time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, Stuff White Lesbians Like!

This week, the question is HAVE YOU BEEN TO CLUB SKIRTS THE DINAH?

In case you’re wondering AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE, we have! We were there! You’ll hear more about that, mostly because we find ourselves far more fascinating than anything on the teevee, which is one of 5,000 reasons we’re not on the TV (reason #45 probably relates to me needing teeth whitening/makeup lessons/facelift, reason #1 is that many of us are afraid of cameras). Carly wasn’t at The Dinah this year, but Laneia, Jess and I were.

+

Tracy’s been to Dinah. It’s like lesbian spring break! Tracy has nice teeth!

Rose LOVES THE DINAH, it’s basically a combination of ALL her favorite things about life: talking loud, tits out boobs in the mouth and large hotel rooms.

No really. Mariah Hanson should hire Rose as Club Skirts Dinah Shore’s official spokesperson as Rose loves Dinah Shore Weekend completely sans irony. Rose IS Dinah Shore. Also, next year we want a big suite with beer, Suicide Girls, and Cheddar Bay Biscuits as a finder’s fee.

Rose suggests, “they probably have a bronze statue of me somewhere,” which is either the one of Rose finger-fucking Billie Jean King while getting sandwiched by Melissa and Tammy Lynn with kd Lang’s tits in her face, or it’s this one (doodle by Taylor as per ushe):

Jill’s never been, will never go, and Nikki’s not gonna take her:

Nikki: It has nothing to do with being gay or straight. I would never attend a weekend like that. You just wanna get me in trouble with the gay community, don’t you?

Nikki: WE FEEL YOU. We went anyhow, despite it being the kind of thing we’d never do gay or straight, because that’s what lesbian media outlets do. And we had fun. We had judgey fun!

Jess: I’m so excited, I’m so scared!
Laneia: THE DINAH!
Riese: Why does everyone keep describing this as “Girls Gone Wild for Gay Girls” like “Girls Gone Wild” is happy fun drunksex time and not opportunistic straight men with cameras taking advantage of intoxicated needy women to further their own capitalist patriarchal agenda?

[nobody cares, here’s Mikey:]

OKAY LET’S GET THIS FINALE SHOW ON THE ROAD!

And Sara Makes Three

Sara, Julia and Sara’s cousin have arrived here from San Francisco with their hats on, ready to brave a long winter in West Hollywood!

Beware, Said the Dog. Beware of the Power of the Clam

U-Haul stipulated six name drops and one visual in their product placement contract for TRLW, here is that last one:

“RIESE IS RIGHT WE COULD TOTALLY DONATE”

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Jill:Where are all the coffee mugs?
Nikki: They’re probably in the back of your car!
Jill: No.

WELL CHRIST. Where are the coffee mugs? It happens here, I suspect the fourth roommate is stockpiling them in the basement to throw at my head. Anyhow, Jill says that Nikki is on edge, and the dog is scared. They’re gonna go to the airport to pick up Nikki’s best friend Kathleen.

Laneia: Is Kathleen her ex? Her crush? Her masturbate fantasy?
Carly: Oh dear
Riese: Her first make-out?

Teal Tank Top Crush

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It’s Tracy’s roommate, Michele, along with Yin, Yang and the chicklets. You may recognize Michele from Logo’s CURL GIRLS. SHH ILENE DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT CURL GIRLS IT NEVER HAPPENED. This is the first lesbian reality show ever!

If you can’t be the best, just be the first, just ask George Washington. Dude doesn’t even need to make money. GEORGE WASHINGTON IS MONEY.

Tracy & Stamie are gonna have more Rad Mom time with Tracy’s Mom, probably going to Truck Stop or the Dinah.

Stamie: I’ll make a deal with your Mom. She wears flats, and I won’t kiss you in public.

MAKE OUT MAKE OUT

Stamie: Her Mom’s like baby steps, baby steps. I’m like bitch you’re almost 60! How many baby steps you got in you?

Let’s baby-step outside so Michele can wax her board and we can experience a well-done, emotionally resonant scene:

Laneia: MICHELLLLLE!
Riese: These scenes are short.
Carly: HEY MICHELE!
Riese: This is gonna be difficult for recapping.
Carly: HOW’S THAT SURFING GOING?
Riese: I’m already stressed HAY SURFER GIRL!

Michele: I’m amazed that [Tracy’s mom is] out here, visiting and spending time with you because that’s a first.
Stamie: Yeah, that’s nice —
Michele: It’s only taken four or five years!
Stamie: Yeah–
Michele: How are you doing?
Stamie: Oh it’s — I’m glad I met her Mom. It’s a little stressful. Cause you don’t wanna put it in her face, you know —
Michele: Well it’s hard because gay people are so used to sort of aborting their everything and kind of putting it to the side just to make everybody comfortable —
Stamie: Right, maybe that’s it, I haven’t done that in so long —
Michele: That’s the irony of gay people being accused of being “in your face” —
Probably, that’s — that’s the biggest thing — is having to hide it again, you know?

Harriet the Spy: The Case of the Missing Salami

Stamie: Oh Hi!
Tracy: Hide what?
Stamie: Uhhh hide the salami.
Tracy: What are you talking about?
Stamie: We’re hiding the salami.
Tracy: Uh-uh.
Michele: It’s behind the couch.
Tracy: You’re talking about hiding your sexuality!

Jess: I can already tell that Michele is real.
Laneia: My reasoning would be twofold: this is the most valuable convo of the whole season, re: real life.
Riese: I know that was weird. I had to stop drinking for a second.
Laneia: OMG TRACY IS SMELLING THE KIDS FOR POOP DIAPERS I just fell in love with Tracy!

Tracy: I want my Mom to accept me as I am. And accept my life the way that it is.

Just like nature, and the planets, and our bodies, ourselves:

“I Guess The Atmosphere I’ve Tried To Create Here is Bossy Girlfriend First, Actual Boss Second, And Probably an Entertainer Third”

Rose, continually breaking all the rules of ‘having a relationship that works,’ has hired Nat as her assistant, so they can be together all the time except on Bromance night. Rose says Nat did this or that thing wrong and then ROSE STEALS HER PEN!

Carly: Oh this is a terrible idea right here.
Riese: Wait! This is actually like my life, which is overall a terrible idea.
Laneia: It is.
Riese: It is a terrible idea FACT.
Laneia: JUST GIVE HER THE PEN.

I SAID DELTAAAAA!

Normally Nikki’s basically a boxer-brief clad Jimmy-Buffet-listening Party Animal guzzling Piña Coladas, but today she’s a wee bit tense. It’s so weird!

Nikki: Jill, you can’t leave people stranded in an unfamiliar airport.

Laneia: Alex left me stranded at the airport.
Carly: Jill, you can’t leave people stranded in the airport. There are no signs anywhere.

Papi sees right through Nikki’s “tension”:

The happy couple eagerly waits at the baggage claim for the descent of Kathleen. BUT. WAIT. THAT’S NOT KATHLEEN!

Anyhow guess what, it’s not a friend, it’s Jill’s Mom. I know. IT’S FUCKING ADORABLE AND WE ALL ALMOST CRIED.

Riese: Oh! Nikki is a good girlfriend!
Laneia: I almost want to cry? Am I drunk?
Riese: My eyes are slightly teary.
Carly: This is sweet actually. Snark-free zone.
Jess: Can’t make fun.
Laneia: UGH SIGH BUNNIES!

You’re kidding about the bronze statue, right?

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Rose: Dinah’s definitely a hook-up fest. I mean I go crazy at Dinah. When I’ve been to Dinah in the past, I would’ve been with every girl you could possibly get.

ALL OF THE GIRLS! Nat says it’ll be interesting to go to Dinah “as a couple” though in the back of her mind she’s worried and nervous, because lemme tell you, girls have never looked better than they do trashed and sunburnt at the Dinah! (WHAT?) Before long, the back of Nat’s mind will attack the front of her mind and then explode, like in Paintball and War, and who will be there to clean up the mess? Probs DJ Lezlee.

Rose is taking a different tactic. She learned it from Papi:

Rose: We’re not gonna fight. It’s like lesbian prom.
Nat: No, it’s like Lesbians Gone Wild. You promise not to be bitchy?

Rose’s pants are on fire ’cause she’s a liar liar, it is nothing like lesbian prom. Nice try.

Riese: “Lesbian prom'”? “Lesbians gone wild? Pick a straight trope and stick with it, SHOW!
Laneia: It’s not like lesbian prom, at all. It’s like lesbian spring break gone wild prom without the corsages.

Rose suggests they make rules like not making out with other people. Nat suggests they make rules like not being bitchy and making big deals out of nothing. Rose wants to know if Nat wants to make out with other people. Rose says Nat is confusing her.

Rose: “It’s hard for anybody to have a relationship with like 25,000 lesbians around you. Dinah’s definitely the test for any couple, but definitely for Natalie and I.”

Because Rose is the only woman interested in swapping spit with all 25,000 lesbians, this problem is really serious. Like yeast infection serious.

They probably are anyhow because of homosexuality being an abomination.

Jess: Where is Dinah? I’m ready to see us on the big screen.
Riese: I think we ran away every time we saw cameras. We were scared of being in the background.
Laneia: I love that Nikki is already in our corner re: the Dine.
Riese: I was remembering the other day how I really felt at the time, like TRLW cameras were devil-robots sent by Ilene to kill me, and when I saw them anywhere near us, I literally ran.
Laneia: Yes, we did.
Riese: I thought they would eat me. It could’ve been the drugs.

Later tonight this tattoo will graze your vadgehole as my fist angles in

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For Raquel’s birthday, Mikey tattooed Raquel’s name on her giant crowded arm, which is akin to opening a kiosk in the mall to sell tiny lava lamps & ipod accessories and saying HEY BABY I’M THE PRESIDENT OF BLOOMINGDALES.

That’s right, for Raquel’s birthday, Mikey bought herself a tattoo. I’m doing that for my Mom this year with personalized towels with her name on them for me.

Raquel: That’s like my name on your body permanently.
Mikey: Oh shit, I meant to get somebody else’s name.

Papi sees what’s going on here:

Mikey doesn’t know how to give Raquel what she wants emotionally because her emotional growth was stunted by her upbringing seeing people getting shot in the face, like in Menace II Society.

How fascinating! Oh well, last episode. Who killed Jenny? Fashion week.

Riese: Wait. Why is everyone being so like –“real”?
Jess: Because it’s the last week of shooting and they’re over it.

IT’S TIME TO HIT THE ROAD AND GO TO DINAH SHORE, HOME OF 25,000 LESBIANS WHO WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ROSE AND SHOOP!

Whitney warmed up for Sara’s vagina at every gas station

Everyone’s packing up for the big journey to Palm Springs! Get your dental dams and bikinis and beer and stuff! Scarlett makes Whitney promise “no drama,” which is a silly thing to ask the chair of Drama Club.

Riese: WHERE’S TESS
Laneia: #tesselbow
Carly: Why isn’t Alyssa going? #sad

Papi knows why Alyssa isn’t going:

The Closer I Am to FINNEEEEEE…

Guess whose home Rose rented!?!!!! I’ll give you a hint: she’s dead and it’s not Helen Keller. Give up?

Carly: They rented Dinah Shore’s home? Oh Jesus. The ghost of a golf player is going to haunt them
Riese: She’s going to sing to them in their sleep.
Laneia: When I went to New York, I ‘rented’ Riese’s home. So it kinda makes sense.