Glee 409 Recap: Swan Song Of Myself

Ladies, let’s start this ship a-sailing with a fuel tank of real talk: Brittany had some fucked-up lines this episode and everybody has a lot of feelings about them.

If you missed the episode, here’s the context of the first scene containing bits of the weird meta-commentary unleashed upon us by a gaggle of gay men who are jealous of how ridiculously awesome we are: Brittany has just eaten a trail of Cheerios right off the sweet sweet diseased floorways of McKinley High School’s Hallowed Hallways and said trail lead her to the open arms of Sam and his lips and his Backstreet Boys haircut and the whole deal. He likes her, she likes him, they sing a stupid song, and then Sam tries to kiss Brittany but Brittany turns away.

Brittany explains her rebuke:

Brittany: “I just like you too much to put you in danger.”
Sam: “Santana broke up with you.”
Brittany: “No, it’s not just Santana. It’s like, all the lesbians of the nation, and I don’t know how they found out about Santana and I dating, but once they did they started sending me, like, tweets and Facebook messages on Lord Tubbington’s wall. I think it means a lot to them to see two super-hot, popular girls in love and I worry that if they find out about you and I dating, they’ll turn on you and get really violent and hurt your beautiful face and mouth.”

“The lesbians of the nation”?

The next Brittany/Sam scene in question happens mid-episode, when Brittany approaches Sam to ask him on a date to the VIP Booth at Breadstix, where every day is Unlimited Pasta Bowl Day.

Sam’s wondering why Brittany’s changed her mind about pursuing their interest in each other:

Brittany: “Yeah, well, I was thinking about what Finn said about last chances…”
Sam: “Mm-hmm..”
Brittany: “…and how everyone’s joining all these clubs because they don’t wanna miss out and the truth is that every since Santana left, you’re the only person that makes me smile.”
Sam: “I am pretty nonstop hilarious.”
Brittany: “You make me happy, Sam. And I don’t want to waste any more time not smiling at your hilariousness.”
Sam: “What about the lesbian blogger community?”
Brittany: “They’re not gonna like it, but the way I figure is that they know they’re my sisters and love is love.”

“The lesbian blogger community”?

I admit I was surprised that Ryan Murphy reads AfterEllen, but then realized he’s probably confusing blogging with twitter, which’s where his staff partake in most of their horrendous fan “conversations” which generally devolve into a Glee writer dumping a pile of shit on a bunch of lesbians and then going out for lunch at The Ivy. After the episode, I caught some chatter about The Lesbian Blogging Community on twitter and tumblr and then went to bed and woke up the next day and kinda forgot about it until I was done writing about Mormons and having a three-hour consult with accountants regarding how many bunnies we’ll be offering as sacrifice to the IRS this year and then it was Friday night and ladies – LADIES !!!

Fuck that Ryan Murphy guy!  Whatever, dude! We’re like the awesomest people on the entire internet. Everybody thinks we’re hysterical, the rest of the web is always dying to hear what we think, and basically, if the internet were McKinley High, we’d be The Unholy Trinity Season One. All the straight white cisgender geniuses of the internet battle over who can link to us more often, and all the list-makers fret over whether it’s okay to make a Power 100 or Top 100 Feminist Blogs that consists entirely of us, the queer-lady blogging community. And the reason each Lesbian Blog employs at least 100 Lesbian Bloggers is because there are a billion lesbian television characters begging to be written about, because we’re just that popular. In fact, we’re so cool that you’ve gotta mock us on your stupid musical show about a silly club led by six feet of Potatoes Au Gratin sealed in Saran Wrap with a head made out of a tampon box.

Meanwhile, we’re just over here being awesome and smart and right about everything and the thing is that much like David Simon, the television producer targeted for backhanded meta-commentary in two Ryan Murphy shows earlier this season, you wouldn’t mock us if we didn’t make you uncomfortable by being awesomer than you.

For example, here’s your team:

And here’s my team:

What we’re dealing with here is just classic denial. Much like a certain something on Season Three of The Real L Word, it seems the Glee producers would rather write off our complaints as the irrelevant cries of hypocritical biphobic lesbians — a cleverly deceptive double-whammy — than take responsibility for the actual problem, which’s that they suck. Although I do hate men, Sam’s maleness is not why these scenes harsh our mellow — honestly, I actually find Brittany/Sam more plausible than Brittany/Santana ’cause Brittany’s profoundly stupid and Santana would be happier with a girlfriend who knows the difference between a pizza topping and her own nipples. Brittany and Sam make sense together.

It harshes my mellow — and the mellow of many lesbian, bisexual and/or queer ladies — because it’s a pointedly obnoxious double-standard that there were 44 entire episodes between Brittana revealing their sexual relationship and them actually kissing onscreen and there were approximately 44 seconds between Brittany and Sam revealing their feelings for each other and actually kissing onscreen. I cared about the Brittana storyline because that was the only context in which Glee allowed us to see a queer female story develop, and no new queer female characters have been introduced, despite adding two more pointless straight white girls to the cast, and thus far it doesn’t seem like anybody’s gonna build a Santana’s Dorm Room set this season.

Here’s the thing: we’re right and if we weren’t right then Team Glee wouldn’t be re-asserting themselves all over us every chance they got. We’re literally correct, entirely rational, observant and passionate. By “we” I mean lesbian, bisexual, queer, pansexual women, not just lesbians. It’s easy to write off our wrath, but our wrath is exactly as overblown as our love. We boil hard but we love hard, too, we can become a thing’s best girlfriend ever and we’ll sing its praises from the highest mountaintops like dancing squawking birds. For example: look how much our blogging community loves our blogging community. That guy just has a big lesbian crush on us.

I have another four paragraphs about the show’s quality decline that I’ve cut to spare you the pain, but in short: I really do enjoy the singing & dancing, and I’ll watch the show for that, but I sort of ended up recapping it by default (We burned through three recappers before it landed on my plate) and didn’t begin caring passionately about the show ’til the gay stuff happened and Santana came out and she was me and I loved loved loved all that stuff. Also, Blame It On The Alcohol is a cinematic masterpiece. It was super-fun and good for a while, and broke a lot of ground! But then I Kissed a Girl happened, and it just started sucking more and more and as of right now, the inconsistencies make the show pointless for me, it’s just hard to invest anymore. But I try to be objective when I recap. Anyhow! You wanna talk about what happened, yeah? Alright, let’s talk about what the fuck happened.

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We open where we left off at Sectionals, with Sad Semi-Conscious Marley-Kate being carted off-stage post-fainting-spell in a woozy fever dream, trailed by her panicked peers, some of whom immediately disburse to locate juice boxes and Marley-Kate’s mother and some of whom stand around looking stressed out.

New Puck informs a very-concerned Mr. Schuster that Sad Marley-Kate’s been skipping all the meals except for Afternoon Tic-Tac Tea and Santana Lopez calls Fake Quinn a “crazy bitch” for trying to make Sad Marley-Kate “rexy,” and Finn kinda stands there like an idiot with his eyes bugged out, much like his lifelong hero, Mr.Potato Head.

Mr. Schuster commands his former charges to return to the stage, lest they risk disqualification for skipping out mid-performance, but then Sue Sylvester bursts in to burst everybody’s collective bubble: the disqualification has already happened, and the Sectionals Win has gone to The Warblers. Womp-womp.

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We thus travel forlornly along a cross-country path surely treaded by our weary anscestors carrying unleavened bread on their backs and babies in their fanny packs to New York City, where Kurt and The New Rachel are discussing the New Directions Loss while moving various objects from one area of the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft to another.

Kurt’s yammering about how you only get one chance at life and therefore he’s gotta ace his second chance at getting into Fake Julliard, but then conversation quickly turns to the matter of the Fake Julliard Winter Showcase, for which Guinan Goldberg distributes “golden tickets” to her very best students. The New Rachel’s not expecting an invite ’cause only one freshman’s ever gotten one, ever, and said then-freshman was “raised on the Broadway stage,” not unlike one very special Lea Michele.

Kurt puts on some opera and delivers some exposition:

Kurt: “The Winter Showcase is like the NYADA Met Ball. Ten students are invited to perform at the showcase a year. The cream of the cream. She handwrites and hand-delivers each invitation. Just getting invited is an honor, former performers have gone on to win Tonys, Emmys, even an Oscar. But they all agree. The proudest and greatest moment of their careers is when Carmen handed them that Golden Envelope.”

We then segue, accompanied by The Dramatic Opera Soundtrack, to The New Rachel’s dance class…

…where Whoopi Goldberg presents The New Rachel with an invitation to The Winter Showcase!

It’s a rewarding moment for The New Rachel, a big moment because this is it, finally, the confirmation that she’s precisely as exceptional as she’s always considered herself to be, that all the Lima Dreams weren’t for naught, that she’s here for a reason and on her way somewhere. And that’s pretty cool.

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Cut back to the sweet valleys of Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester is reclaiming the Glee Room for her new project “Sue du Soleil,” much to the chagrin of our favorite Kentucky Fried Chicken side-dish, Finn Hudson.

Finn wrestles Sue for the trophy, a match which transitions quickly to the Principal’s Office!

Mr. Schuster, suspiciously present, joins Finn and Sue for this groundbreaking meeting about budget cuts. Apparently the entire school’s been rented out to the meetings of various special interest groups, leaving the thwarted Glee Club with nowhere to rehearse, much to Sue’s delight.

Sue: “Got to be honest, Becky. I have looked forward to this very moment for a long time. Now that it’s finally here, I’m left with a strange, empty feeling.”
Becky: “That’s how I felt when I saw Prometheus.”

Sue wonders what’ll become of Glee’s sad sacks, fantasising the following –

Tina: “I’m a drug mule in the Lima crack district.”
Artie: “I was forced to sell my legs for science.”
Blaine: “I’m performing on the bathhouse circuit.”
Brittany: “I’m a finance major at Brandeis. It turns out Glee Club was really holding me back.”

Har.

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Cut back to the Glee Club Room, where a man-child in a sweater vest and a lifesized knish are attempting to raise the spirits of their dejected Glee Clubbers.

Tina unleashes a mini-torrent of rage upon Sad Marley-Kate, who Tina points out is “no Rachel Berry,” which’s true, and also Tina stole her dress from Amelia Bedilia and nobody wants to talk about it.

Finn reminds them there’s still the holiday show to look forward to, and his insolent charges, likely remembering last year’s strange psychotropic christmas disaster, find no comfort in this news.

Finn: “If this is our swan song, let’s make it the best it can be.”

I hope this means they’ll be doing “All I Want For Chistimas” again.

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Following a delightful commercial break, we return to McKinley High for the Brittany/Sam scene we mentioned briefly earlier. Brittany begins licking Cheerios and, let’s be real, Hepatitis, from the soiled floors of McKinley High.

The trail leads straight to Sam Evans, clutching a glass of milk in his manly man-hand.

Sam: “I think the reason why Santana was always picking on me was because some part of her knew the truth.”
Brittany: “About Area 51?
Sam: “About that I’m totally into you. You’re, uh, the only person who really understands me.”

Um… Sam was dating Mercedes last season and Santana picks on everybody and also, Sam and Santana dated once, but whatever, it’s Glee, let’s sing an annoying song!

Following their insufferable musical number is the conversation we already discussed in the intro, so there’s no need to re-hash again, yes? Certainly. Let’s move on.

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Over the river and through the interstate highways to Fake Julliard we go, where Rachel and Kate Hudson are facing off regarding Rachel’s dancing skills or lack thereof, ’cause obvi Kate Hudson’s super-jealous of Rachel’s Golden Ticket.

Thus we launch with great fervor into an appropriately sexed “All That Jazz” (from Chicago, duh) dance-off!

Kate Hudson demonstrates her superior dancing skills and Lea Michele demonstrates her superior singing skills while also wearing a bra that totally reminds me of Miss August 2011. Then Kate Hudson has sex with the window treatments and Rachel turns into a bird and flies away into the great blue beyond filled with starshine and strawberries.

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Glee 401 Recap: The New Rachel and Mercedes and Puck and Quinn

Welcome back to another new season of Glee! The only show on TV where you can enjoy mediocre versions of songs you’re already bored of while trying to make sense of tightly prepared dance moves that are completely obscured by spastic editing and waiting patiently in the hope that some gay characters will maybe hug or something. Unless of course you’ve started watching Smash. (For the record, I couldn’t remember what Smash was called so I googled “like glee but for adults” and it was the first hit).

This year’s season premiere was full of questions! Will Glee successfully bridge the high school/college gap? Will the whole show jump the shark?! Can a show even jump the shark if it’s already had a teen pregnancy, three marriage proposals, a suicide attempt, three different coming out stories, one kid join the army and a girl get hit by a truck?!? Will we ever get to see more lesbosexy scissoring?!?!

I suspect the answers are: probably not, it already did, it will do it again and not unless Santana gets a spin-off where she transfers to Vassar. Who knows though! Maybe Ryan Murphy will surprise us all and dig this show out of the PSA preachfest pit it’s living in.

I’d also like to be honest with you about the fact that Santana doesn’t appear in this episode. That being said, Brittany has at least two more quips than usual. I know, however, that you guys need your weekly dose of hot Naya action, so I’ve taken the liberty to include Santana in scenes as appropriate.

Let’s do this.

We open not in the majestic halls of McKinley high, but instead in the anxiety ridden dance studio of NYAYADADAAADA where one miss Rachel Berry is having her first day of class.

The number one rule of NYADADADA dance class? Everyone wears head-to-toe black. Number two? Don’t roll your eyes at the instructor when she makes a sizest comment at a girl who probably wears an XXS leotard.

Whoops, Rachel blows both of them, particularly that second one even though Rachel’s full time hobbies include saying direct and rude things about other people’s lives to their face. Dance Teacher Cassandra July, aka Kate Hudson, does not fuck around and goes all Abby Lee Miller on Rachel. So what’s a girl to do when your brand new dance teacher already hates you? What any self respecting girl would do: fall to the ground dramatically and face the reality of New York City.

Rachel has a lot of feelings and misses Glee Club and her dads and her friends and her hometown coffee shop and her favorite Indian restaurant and Dyke Night on Saturdays and Queeraoke on Thursday and the really great deli down the block from her old place that has the best matzo ball soup. I would imagine. Not that I’m projecting.

She also misses Finn who she hasn’t talked to in two months what with him joining the army and all. This better be the end of Finn. Like I hope he’s just gone from the show for two to four years. He better not dramatically die because then I’ll have to be sad and cry because I’m a goddamn sucker about death. Plus we’ll have to sit through a whole episode where everyone mourns the gigantic Gummy Bear and talks about how he was all dashing and daring courageous and caring, faithful and friendly with stories to share.

Rachel’s dorm has coed bathrooms, a bunch of people who make fun of her nighttime moisturizing regiment and bedrooms large enough to accommodate her roommate’s revolving door of hook-ups. For the record I think the roommate sounds like she’s having a heck of a lot more fun. Either way Rachel is off to the bathroom wash her face in the dead of night.

It’s there she discovers, as all talented men are discovered on Glee, a guy singing in the shower. Brody is a junior majoring in musical theater and he ALSO has an extensive nighttime moisturizing regiment.

Clearly he and Rachel are going to grind their crotches together ASAP.

The guy portraying Brody, Dean Geyer, is a South African guy who came in third in the fourth season of Australian Idol which I imagine is a really big deal on the other side of the world. Or maybe not. I like to pretend Australians are much more laid back about this stuff than Americans are. Also if the Glee writers would have really wanted to cultivate some Broberry shippers they should have really let the kid keep his South African accent. Also I want full credit for coming up with Broberry (which sounds delicious).

Now then, back at the aforementioned sumptuous halls, Jacob “This is maybe offensive to Jews” Ben Israel is back at his vlog discussing how the New Directions kids are now just totally popular. Ignoring the ridiculous idea that winning show choir championships would somehow make anyone more popular, the Glee Club kids are all enjoying their new found small town local fame. Artie’s sitting with cheerleaders and high fiving people and stuff.

Tina even has a freshman assistant to go along with her Rachel Berry haircut. Blaine is cultivating the type of five o’clock shadow normally only seen on men in the mid-twenties. Imagine that.

Speaking of Blaine, his lovely manfriend Kurt decides to swing by his old classrooms and meet Sue’s new baby.

Sue’s gone through two whole trimesters over the course of one summer break. Sue also has a brand new freshman head Cheerio.

Kitty is a blonde bitch who will inevitably face adversity and overcome it by joining the Glee Club. Glee hasn’t done a Seriously Hooked On Drugs plot line yet so maybe that could be Kitty’s moment to shine and sing Lou Reed’s Perfect Day.

Sue points out that Kurt is a depressive sad sack who is merely lurking the halls to relive his show choir championship days. You know, as opposed to Mr. Schue who actually went so far as to get a full time job where he could lurk the halls reliving his show choir championship days. Kurt really needs to nut up if he wants to compete with that.

Where is Mr. Schue anyways? Well, he’s spent the whole summer preparing what he’s going to yell as he runs in the choir room like an orangutang on steroids. He goes with “Glee.” Truly original that one.

Mr. Schue has a big surprise for everyone that basically nobody ever didn’t see coming: Unique has joined the New Directions.

Apparently anyone who wants to can just leave their local school and travel across the city/district/state to whichever one they like. Riese did a great job when Unique first appeared of explaining why some of the writers’ choices with regard to Unique are problematic with respect to distinguishing between drag queens and transwomen. I’m going to suggest everyone go reread that because we’re going to probably definitely maybe be dealing with those problematic choices throughout this season.

The Glee Clubbers are totally unimpressed that there is now more competition for the coveted position of The New Rachel. They all want to be able to quit the club every fourth episode only to return the following one with a big Celine Dion solo number. So obviously they decide to throw down Thunderdome style.

In a flash of brilliant originality, the quad sings “Call Me Maybe.”

Did I say brilliant originality? I meant lazy cop out to find a song everyone hasn’t already replayed on their radio/iPod/iPhone/iPad/Zune all summer long. Fortunately, due to its inherently repetitive and single key nature, this song actually sounds way better arranged for four parts. Also we got to watch Brit-Brit shake her fine little ass.

I’d also like to take this moment to point out that this is a TV musical number featuring gay, trans and bisexual characters. This is why I have to keep watching this show. Because I am a baby child infant who still gets excited when I see shit like that. More importantly, Blaine has swapped his bright red pants from last season for a slightly darker shade of red. And is that a rainbow edged tie? Good move my friend. Good move.

Timewarp to after school where Kurt has gotten a job mixing up lattes for the rainbow-bean.

Brittany laments being away from Santana who has apparently gone to Louisville for college and a cheerleading scholarship instead of NYC like we were told last season. Which is a shame because I was just dying to see Santana in a Park Slope Co-Op smock. On the bright side, Santana is getting all educated and stuff. Well, maybe just learning all about the use of the flexor digitorum profundus. Heyoo. Hopefully Brittana can survive the distance! Or not, I mean I wouldn’t hate to see Santana start an all lesbian a capella group and then cheat on Brittany with a soloist who sings “The Right to Love.”

Kurt is substantially more excited than his manfriend and Brit-Brit are about upcoming glee auditions. Brittany points out how pathetic he is and then that snobby new Cheerio asks Kurt to make her a less-cold iced cockaccino. Life is so hard. We get it. Kurt needs to leave Lima and go off in to the great big ocean to follow his magical dolphin fantasy dreams. Yawn.

Back over in NYC — I’m going to have to start coming up with more original ways to say that — Dance Teacher McGrumpy Pants is mixing up a smoothie when a former student walks in. He’s come to tell her he’s made it to Broadway. Guys, BROADWAY! This is the part where we find out she really does care about her students. You know, until she starts boozin’.

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When Rachy shows up for dance class, she calls her teach out on booze breath.

This prompts Ms. July to strip down, sing and dance to a mashup of Lady Gaga’s Americano and J.Lo’s Dance Again. For the record, talking all your clothes off and dancing to pop music is not a great way to prove you’re sober.

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On that note, let’s go get a drink and take a page break.

Glee 319 Recap: Promasaurus Wreck

Well, if there’s one thing I like better than sitting on a knife or finding out that I need $1,600 of dental work, it’s watching a self-righteous sausage-shaped humanoid creature attempt to wrestle a temporarily disabled starlette out of her wheelchair on her prom night!

In any event, Glee’s achieved a style of Suckdom so Sucky that this episode was almost “okay,” just because it didn’t rocket me into a homicidal rage. In fact, my overall feelings of apathy for this episode are accurately reflected in how long it’s taken me to write this recap (and perhaps in the quality of this recap) — that being said, I do have a pretty serious rant about the first scene, so let’s just muff-dive in, shall we?

We open with Rachel monologuing in her bedroom about the “death of [her] dream” and then we move to the formerly-hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Rachel continues monologuing with strained chipperness and masked devastation.

Rachel: “In some ways, it’s a relief– to be part of the crowd. My dreams are smaller now, maybe even more real — the wedding, winning Nationals — but first, prom. I’ll never walk the red carpet as a Tony or Golden Globe nominee… Next to my wedding, my prom dress will be the most important gown I ever wear… I’m surprisingly okay with it all. That dream was just a favorite old sweater that I kept around even though it didn’t fit anymore. I can grieve it and move on. I may have lost NYADA, but I still have Finn. So I’m not going to get everything I thought I wanted. Doesn’t make me a loser.”

So, there goes Rachel’s personality!

Okay. Do you have five minutes to listen to me tell a personal story and then rant? I hope so.

This happens. I mean — what’s happening to Rachel. I feel like I’ve been there, sort of. Like Rachel, I’d comforted my anxieties regarding “not fitting in” with my self-assurance that I was somehow exceptional — smarter, more talented, something like that. When did this change? At some point difference got exhausting and I just wanted a boyfriend, like the other girls had, and didn’t understand why the boys at my school (University of Michigan) didn’t like me, speficially — why I was hookup material and homework-helping material but never girlfriend material. “Girlfriend material,” it seemed to me at the time, required 100% heterosexuality, lifelong sorority membership, a submissive personality, tailored designer jeans, limitless bank accounts, realistic life plans and weighing 90 pounds or less. (I realize in retrospect wanting a boyfriend so desperately was all part of the “overcompensating” stage of my queerdom, but whatever.)

So I met a boy at my waitressing job who attended a nearby college. Over our 1.5 years together, he never once asked to see my writing or the films I’d made. He didn’t read, he’d never seen a play and he hated my friends. I’d always planned on moving to New York City after graduation but when I took him there, he hated it, and he hated it because it was so hard to find a parking spot. Instead, he campaigned for a post-graduation move to Las Vegas, because there’s no property tax there. He cared more about the perkiness of my breasts than about my alleged exceptionalism and since nobody told me I was too good for him, I assumed that I was not. This was me. I was not so exceptional after all. I was just another girl watching her boyfriend play Beer Pong.

I know this is becoming a too-long-story but here’s the point: at some stage of this dull, anxious stasis, I began resigning myself to the traditional future he envisioned for us, and there was something very comforting about that. I could do this! I thought. We could be just like the rest of his friends. My relatives would be thrilled! I could get excited about specials at Applebees and consider home ownership in the suburbs and watch sporting events with his frat brothers. It was almost a relief, freeing myself from the expectations of this alleged exceptionalism. I’d be choosing a tried-and-true life pattern enjoyed by 95% of the country’s population, nobody would question that! I was released from all the uncertainty and guesswork that came with pursuing “talent.” He thought I was “normal” (Obviously, I’d already quickly muted all of my ‘charming’ quirks) and he was “normal,” so therefore I was “normal” after all! Yay!

[Clearly this sentiment changed eventually, but that’s another story altogether.]

For Rachel, I think part of of feeling “exceptional” is feeling like the people around her are living a life she could live, if she wanted to, but she just doesn’t want to. It is feeling a little bit better than that. It’s being a snob, even when that snobiness is, when it all comes down to it, mostly a defense mechanism.

And so Rachel’s obnoxious temporary transformation in this episode, in all its anti-feminist glory, is actually one I potentially could relate to/believe — and do, in bits — but unfortunately cannot endorse because SHE DIDN’T APPLY TO ANY OTHER FUCKING SCHOOLS AND I CANNOT BUY ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENS TO HER FROM HERE ON OUT.

Glee asks me to suspend disbelief every single minute but somehow this particular storyline’s improbability is particularly grating. It’s not Wacky and Over-The-Top like Brittany’s IQ, Inconsistent like Sue’s pregnancy or Unlikely like Quinn getting into Yale. I mean, let’s not even get into the fact that college applications are due in December or January, not June, or that the show has completely forgotten the tiresome hullabaloo around Kurt/Rachel’s apparent former conviction that “student council president”/”lead in the school musical” were crucial to their “applications.”  (Disclaimer: I attended an arts boarding school and my boyfriend, roommate, and many of my best friends were theater students, so I know WAY too much about the audition/acceptance process for undergraduate theater programs, which causes/”doesn’t help ease” my frustration.) Let’s disregard the preposterous situation of NYADA coming to Nowhere, Ohio, to see Kurt & Rachel audition. Let’s not ask why Rachel doesn’t just audition for “The Actor’s Studio” with her impish boyfriend, as apparently they hold auditions whenever Finn wants them to! (Sidenote: as much as I’d like to make fun of Finn applying to a TV show, “The Actor’s Studio” is an actual drama school. It used to be part of The New School and I think the students in the TV show’s audience are usually Actor’s Studio students. Since 2005, TAS has been part of Pace University — BUT! — it’s just an MFA program, which means Finn would need a BA or BFA before he could matriculate at The Actor’s Studio, so it’s still stupid.) Let’s not discuss why Rachel didn’t apply to the nearby University of Michigan, or perhaps Carnegie-Mellon, Northwestern, CalArts, DePaul, Ithaca, NYU, NCSA, USC or even Julliard!

It’s supposed to be just another little detail we oughtta accept as part of this fake world. But it’s not, because it’s not just about college admissions, it’s about HOW LIFE IS, how human beings operate and how civilization is structured. We date multiple people until we find “the one,” we try on several dresses before purchasing, we apply to many jobs, we visit a number of apartments, we shop around for the best cell phone plan — for Rachel Berry herself and Berry’s aspirant parents to allow her to apply to one crappy imaginary theater school with no back-up plan is just completely and totally insipid. It would never happen and as a plot device, it’s the weakest weaksauce ever.

And when Rachel says, offhand, “that’s what you get for not having a back-up plan,” it’s just another example of Glee’s obnoxious meta nods to audience critique that leaves you wondering — “if you recognize that this is a problem, why don’t you JUST FIX IT?!” Because honestly, despite how improbable it is that Rachel would get rejected from any school, let alone many schools, this whole situation would have way more emotional impact and resonance if she’d applied to ten theater schools and been rejected from all of them. Flukes like that sometimes do happen. That’s a true thing.

Anyhow, thus Rachel moseys into the Ladies Room to find a bitchy yet earnest Becky Jackson practicing her Prom Queen wave, because she doesn’t have mirrors at home. Becky tells Rachel she’s a loser and SCENE.

Cut to Principal Figgins’ lair, where Brit-Brit’s been summoned for a smackdown regarding her insufficient actions as student council president. Apparently her sole accomplishment has been an ill-conceived memo regarding “drilling for babies,” which she later retracted, and Figgins is questioning her suitability for the position.

It turns out that Brit-Brit’s failing her classes and Figgins is suddenly concerned that her iminent de-throning would completely destroy her chances of admission to Imaginary St. Imaginary College Of Students Who Failed All Their Classes, which I’m guessing is in Bowling Green.  Furthermore, he threatens to eradicate the Student Body President position altogether if she doesn’t up her approval rating, which’s non-sensical and arbitrary, just like the rest of this show.

Brittany: “I now realize I wasted an entire year belaboring the nuances of my fluid teen sexuality and getting caught up in Lord Tubbington’s Ponzi schemes. Then for a while, I stopped talking. But don’t want my presidency to be the last one at McKinley, I don’t want that to be my legacy.”

Couldn’t agree more — a better legacy would be “made out with Santana for two hours at graduation.”

Thus, Brit-Brit drops in on the three unfortunate losers of the Prom Committee, whose earnest pursuit of prom themes like “Stairway to Heaven” and “Castle in the Sky” are derailed by Brit-Brit’s assertion that castles are too heavy for clouds and stairways aren’t wheelchair-friendly, or whatever.

Brit-Brit re-routes the thematic conversation to her own idea for a theme — “Dinosaurs!” It’s brill, truly bril.

Girl: “That’s the worst prom theme ever.”
Brittany: “When you insult my dinosaur prom theme, that’s bullying, and I will not accept it. By the power vested in me as president, you’re all fired.”

Smear to Sue’s office, where Sue (who shines like a sunflower this episode, sidenote) is announcing the nominees for Prom King and Queen as Becky roosts adjacently with her limbs dangerously close to a xylophone unknowingly experiencing its last living moments.

Prom King nods go to Rick “The Stick” Nelson, aka that hockey guy who runs for everything, Finn “Bet You Never Knew A Potato Could Look This Human” Hudson and our very own President Brittany S. Fierce. Three cheers for smashing the gender binary!

Prom Queen runners include Missy Gunderson, Santana Lopez and Quinn Fabray. Becky, hopes dashed and aspirations toppled, smashes the xylophone defiantly in the manner I’d like to smash Finn’s stupid face in.

And onward ho to another directionless meeting of The New Directions, kicked off by a newly-empowered Brittany S. Fierce, Queen of the School, announcing the Prehistoric theme of this year’s fiesta. Mr. Schuster buoyantly enthuses that Figgins has invited the New Directions to sing at prom, as if these kids need an official invitation to sing anywhere.

Brittany: “Hello my fellow Americans, the theme for this years prom will be Dinosaurs.”
Santana: “Sheer genius.”
Brittany: “I was inspired by the new girl Joe who reminds me of a cavewoman. The refreshments will be berries, meat and rainwater…”

HAR. But dearest Blaine is stunned when Brittany declares a Prom Hair-Gel ban, due to some backwards Brittanyism regarding the Paleolithic era — or maybe “stunned” isn’t the right word. Horrified. Blaine is horrified.

I too am horrified, because it appears Kurt has massacred a plaid factory and the evidence is all over his head and mid-shirt-area.

Rachel, in her sixth outfit of the episode, tears mercilessly through the barely-hallowed hallways of McKinley High, shocked by the poorly designed “Finn & Quinn 4 Prom King/Queen” poster perched on the innocent walls of their fine educational institution. Rachel determines was Finn’s doing ’cause “Quinn can’t reach up that high.”

Rachel doesn’t want Finn and Quinn to dance together, but no worries there —

Finn: “If you haven’t noticed, Quinn can’t dance. She just about died coming to our wedding. She asked me if I would campaign with her and I figured it was the least I could do for our friend.”

Finn calls Rachel selfish, Rachel caws that she’ll be spending prom the same way she began high school, which’s watching Finn and the pretty blonde cheerleader bask in apparently offensive attention but IF I COULD JUST MENTION that the pretty blonde cheerleader, while still pretty and blonde, is no longer cheering, because SHE GOT HIT BY A TRUCK AND IS IN A WHEELCHAIR. Furthermore, she’s been given the unfortunate assignment of lusting after the Glee Project kid who, much like the other Glee Project kid, reminds us weekly why The Glee Project is a terrible, terrible idea.

Rachel’s become a harpy bitch, ’cause that’s what happens when one actually focuses on what they have in the present rather than what they might have in the future! No really, it is. That’s another thing about aspiration — it saves you from putting all your eggs in the basket of another fallible human being you’ve got no actual control over. That’s also why Quinn keeps reiterating her plans to go to Yale — it’s something bigger than where and what she is. It takes the pressure off the present, with its assorted thwarted expectations.

Cut to physical therapy, where Quinn’s once again insipidly paired with Teen Jesus and — surprise! — manages to walk a teeny tiny bit for a little while!

Teen Jesus is ready for Quinn to walk on water, but Quinn’s got other plans —

Quinn: “You know, maybe if I practiced a lot, I could walk into the choir room or into prom. So until then, promise me you won’t tell anybody.”

Back in the plastered-yet-hallowed halls of McKinley High, Becky Jackson’s completely losing her shit in what is, honestly, one of this episode’s best situations.

But Sue swiftly summons her unruly minion to the Bitch Chamber to tell Becky that “first you declared war on xylophones, then you ransacked the cafeteria line” and while Becky understands this to be true, she doesn’t understand Sue’s problem with it.

Sue explains that it’s Becky’s ruthless bitchy attitude that drew Sue to Becky in the first place, but “being a bitch doesn’t win you any votes.” This is patently false, obviously, although I can’t speak for Dear Dear Missy Gunderson, I believe Santana’s thrown out a few zingers in her day. But whatever.

Cut to the McKinley High auditorium, where Rachel launches into a lame stripped-down version of the intolerable Fergie song “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” which’s more-or-less endurable until Kurt’s head voice strides in, swallowing the room with its enormous this-is-out-of-your-rangeiosity.

Blaine asks Rachel if that’s the song she’s chosen for prom — SILLY BLAINE! The songs performed in the first 20 minutes of Glee are never the songs “chosen” for the last 20 minutes of Glee — and suggests that if it is, she oughtta look into something a tad peppier. I’d just like to throw this out there:

Rachel admits she’s not feelin’ prom, and Blaine agrees:

Blaine: “How do you think I feel with Brittany’s insane ban on hair gel? It’s prom, there’s gonna be balloons all over the place, not to mention the taffeta and the silk blends. The sheer amount of static electricity in that room is going to be terrifying.”

Anyway, Kurt points out, they don’t have to go to prom at all, do they? They do not.

Smear instantly to another directionless meeting of the New Directions, where Rachel jubilantly announces The Anti-Prom, which’ll take place at the Rooster Express Suite Hotel and involve “libations,” catered delicacies and all-night entertainment. Quinn asks her running mate if he’s in on this, and he assures her that he can indeed handle two women in one night.

Santana: “Okay how is everyone welcome when this is clearly just a party for you and the two gay Winklevii twins?”
Rachel: “Actually Santana, we’ve invited most of McKinley’s underclassmen.”

Flash to the hallway where Rachel tries to sell the event to an unimpressed Becky Jackson, and then smear back to the Directionless Meeting of the new Directions, where Santana continues smearing the Smack Down all over Barbara Berry:

Santana: “Can we just talk about what this really is? Rachel Berry isn’t getting her way, so she’s punishing the rest of us –”
Rachel: “Santana, that’s not the case at all.”

Santana: “Stop acting like you’re fine and start dealing with your crap. Look, you choked at your big audition. I get it. I’m sorry, but it happens. And I understand that you’re pissed off at the universe, but imploding on one of the last nights that we have to spend together because basically you’re just not in the mood to dance, is maybe the pettiest thing you have ever done. So have fun at your ‘I’m a victim’ party, acting like you’re not some selfish, self-centered, lame-ass wannabe diva from hell, because I’m gonna go to my senior prom with my girlfriend and my friends.”

Every time Santana says “my girlfriend,” I smile.

Back to the propaganda-ridden hallways of McKinley High, where Finn and Quinn are conversing on a topic I’ve long since forgotten when they’re interrupted by Prom Committee Girl #2, who finds Quinn way inspiring. “Your healthy normal legs are beautiful,” Quinn tells her following a monologue about the actual horrors of her situation. The girl commends Quinn on her bravery.

The girl exits the frame and St. Finn starts in on Quinn for “using her disability” to earn votes, because Finn is the Expert of the Universe who knows exactly what everybody else should and shouldn’t do all the time, forever and for always. This is how Finn makes me feel:

Top 10 Santana & Brittany Glee Musical Numbers

Haven’t you ever wished that instead of being what it is, Glee was actually just a show about lesbians with no dialogue, only music videos? I sure do.+

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Top 10 Santana & Brittany Musical Numbers On Glee

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10. “I Kissed a Girl” // Katy Perry (307: I Kissed a Girl)

This episode was a shithole of death and despair, but this song gave the whole female cast an opportunity to act like lesbians, and it seems like they had a really nice time with that.

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9. “Disco Inferno” // The Tramps (316: Saturday Night Gleever)

This song is borderline unbearable, but somehow the performance manages to sizzle with sexual tension.

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8. “Run the World (Girls)” // Beyoncé (303: Asian F)

This won Brittany the election… IN YOUR PANTS.

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7. “Say A Little Prayer” // Dionne Warwick (102: Showmance)

Were we ever so young?

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6. “Songbird” // Fleetwod Mac (219: Rumours)

Technically it’s just a Santana number, but it just split your little lesbian heart open and therefore feels like a Brittany/Santana number in your heart. Your split-open heart.

Next: The Top Five!

Glee 316 Recap: Saturday Night Glee-itosis

Well, if there’s anything I like more than sticking my foot into a lawnmower, it’s the amount of whiskey I had to drink to finish this recap without having a panic attack about all the camp stuff on my to-do list!

Reader, this show has stumped me. It’s just so wildly inconsistent and arbitrarily wacky while also being almost aggressively culturally relevant, especially to LGBTQs — I just get stumped sometimes!

Is there a term for this? What this show has done? It’s not “jumping the shark.” Maybe it’s “throwing 45 sea lions into the ocean and seeing who comes out with a Sea World contract”? It’s a mess, this show, and even the most dedicated recapper would have trouble identifying meaning or attributing success to anything that ever happens, ever, save the occasionally transcendent musical number. I’m at a loss to discuss The Artist Presently Known as Unique or the Lesbian Cheerleader Sex Tape with any kind of creative or intellectual authority. But I will forge forward, because Glee recaps get ‘mad hits.’

All I ask of you, dear reader, that you give me the benefit of the doubt as we tread into these uncertain waters.

We open in one of McKinley High’s many academically flexible classrooms where Blaine’s traditionally laser-sharp focus on Whatever 101 is threatened by his phantom foot’s desire to dance. It “should be dancing,” so to speak!

This leads us to the episode’s first dance number, “You Should Be Dancing,” which’s both terrible (the song) and amazing (because Brittany and Mike should always be dancing, it’s true). The law of The Diminishing Returns of Disco designates that disco songs feature the lamest lyrics in the history of music, and this song lives up to that reputation with aplomb.

Time out: Initially, I’d suspected Blaine’s purpose on The Show was to be Kurt’s boyfriend and inspire the Mini-Warbler — turns out he’s actually been brought in to cover terrible annoying songs I hate. Whether it be Katy Perry, that insufferable Train song, Maroon 5, whatever Robo-tripping fuckwad is responsible for “Cough Syrup,” that unfortunate “Somebody Who I Used to Know” duet or this rotten disco situation, Blaine is to this show what Pacific Sunwear is to the mall — a guaranteed site of appalling aural ‘entertainment.’

Anyhow — Santana’s shooting Brittany some wild Sexy Lesbian Cheerleader Eyes throughout the routine, which seals the deal on this scene — it’s a success. Besides, it’s always great when Glee leads with a song because it delays Finn’s first line and therefore delays my inevitable hatred towards the rest of the episode.

We move on to another productive meeting of Glee Club, where Will’s angsting about the uncertain futures of his talented little squirrels, seeing as graduation’s just ’round the river bend and therefore it’s about six months too late to apply to college  — OH WAIT SORRY THIS IS GLEE ! — I mean, “this is the perfect time for a high school senior to apply to college.”

Will monologues Finn as having “all this talent but no self-esteem,” and although I think Will should strike that and reverse it, he does not, instead going on to add that “Mercedes is just as talented as Rachel and Kurt, but has none of the vision” and that our dear Santana Lopez has “all the ambition, but none of the focus.”

Snap to Santana —

Santana: “Blaine’s handsome brother said it best: college is a waste of time. I just wanna be famous, pure and simple. Don’t even care how it happens, I just want everyone to know my name.”

— after which Brittany nods like somebody who’s about to launch a sex tape on YouTube, because could Santana have possibly set that up more explicitly? Only if she’d ended her last sentence with “because they heard Brittany yelling it mid-orgasm.”

We then mosey over to Chez Sue for some Will/Sue banter that ends with Will selecting the “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack for this week’s thematic gimmick which Sue says’ll fly with the anti-disco youth if they offer swag, like mattresses.

Meanwhile in the quasi-hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Kurt’s generously extrapolating for us: “I’m thrillled you [Mercedes] got into Defiance College and Cleveland State, but what about NYU?”

What about NYU? Their application was due January 1st, numbskulls! AND it’s essentially the most expensive college in the entire galaxy.

Before I can finish squirting Cetaphil into my eyeballs, this fantastic convo is interrupted by Wade Adams of Vocal Adrenaline, Kurt & Mercedes’ biggest/only fan. Coincidentally, I’m Wade Adams’ biggest fan at this moment!

After introductions, we smear into this semi-fabulous dream-sequence-ish thing as we hear how Wade would’ve preferred to meet Kurt & Mercedes — as her true self, “Unique,” a sassy lady who would’ve marched into McKinley wearing the furry remains of ten dead black bears, thus attracting the Sartorial attentions of Her Idols immediately —

Unique: “Kurt Hummel and Mercedes Jones, Unique worships the red carpet you two walk on. If you two had a love child, it would be Unique. And Unique’s grandparents would be Andre Leon Talley and Beyoncé, because only the best will do for Unique.”

(Sidenote: I’ve been told that, alas, this brilliance wasn’t precisely Team Glee’s idea — Alex, the actor from The Glee Project playing this two-episode arc was called “Kurcedes” by fans who dubbed him the Kurt/Mercedes love-child. He often performed in drag on the show.)

Not only does her ensuing flashback about life in Vocal Adrenaline initiate our awareness of Jesse St. James’ return to Glee (HURRAH MELCHIOR!), but she also injects the scene with choice homosexy show-choir banter, gives Kurt an opportunity to preen and apparently provides both Kurt and Mercedes with an excuse to blow off class for the rest of the day to talk to Wade about her feelings.

Wade/Unique: “Ever since I was a kid, I would play this game. Where I would pretend I was a different person. The person I dreamed of being. The real me. I even have a different name.  Unique.”

Kurt kindly affirms Wade’s description of Unique, adding that he hopes Wade’ll have the courage to “be him” one day, which’s when Wade redirects – “Unique is a ‘her.'” Kurt offers a subtle “you GO girl” smile as Unique explains her visit’s ultimate purpose —

Unique: “Our regionals are this Saturday, and I want to go on stage wearing a dress and heels. Because that’s who I feel I am inside.”
Kurt: “Unique.”
Unique: “Yes. What would you do?”

Probably Kurt would don neon fishnet leggings stolen from a Dinah Shore go-go dancer, transform the skin of two purebread Dalmations into a skort set and top it off with a tank-top from Joe’s Crab Shack and call it an “ensemble,” but I don’t think it’s fashion advice Unique’s looking for.

According to The Internet, Unique is Glee’s “first transgender character,” so there you have it: this week’s groundbreaking gesture is a trans woman of color. Holy fucking shit! This is undeniably awesome.

Yet! I struggle writing about this because I suspect Murph’s not particularly knowledgable about transgender people and as much as I love this character and this actor and wish he’d won the 9-episode arc granted to Irish Breakfast and Teen Jesus rather than the 2-episode guest spot he did win, I guess I’m not as sold on this representation quite yet. Of course, it seems to unfortunately fall in line with Glee‘s new strategy to distract us from their shark-jumping to BREAK ALL THE GROUNDS — gay teen suicide! girl in a wheelchair! developmentally disabled fetus! gay male teen sex! — and part of the problem with that compulsive ground-breaking is that the execution can be sloppy.

So how do we feel about this? I feel like we’re set up in this scene to see Unique as Wade’s female “alter-ego” or drag persona, as the language she uses suggests that, because although she refers to Unique as “the real me” she also refers to her as an entirely separate persona — “a different person,” which’s more in line with a cross-dressing persona than a transgender one… and if you’ve learned nothing, my dear puppies and kittens, it’s that gender identity is a many-splendored thing with many elements and reducing it to a wardrobe choice or stage act isn’t accurate or fair. It’s not until later that she hints at being trans and it’s not until I googled it that I was certain it was the show’s intent. But again — I’m not sure! That’s what drives me NUTS about this show! I stopped trusting it and when holes appear, I’m never sure if it’s a clue or a sloppy mistake, you know?

I don’t know what to think/say and so I turn to you. Discuss.

And when you’re done discussing, let’s cut to Glee Club, where the children marvel at Sue’s just-implanted disco floor while Sue/Will wax poetic regarding “Saturday Night Fever,” which Will describes as not just being a popular 70’s movie about a guy who picks up girls with lines like “Are you a nice girl or are you a cunt?” but also a movie that encapsulates the dreams of the Glee Clubbers themselves. Yes, just like Tony Monero, the Glee kids are merely young people working at proverbial paint stores who can relate to Monero’s dream to “get out of his old neighborhood in Brooklyn and get to New York City,” which’s gonna be a complicated dream to tackle considering BROOKLYN IS IN NEW YORK CITY.

Lest we dwell, let’s cut to the glorious chase — a delightful dance-off! Winners will compete for a replica of John Travolta’s suit as manufactured by Becky Jackson, tailor to the stars, which Kurt clearly wants to wear and Puck clearly wants to sell on eBay.

My notes for the dance-off are: “OMG A DANCE-OFF! this is so fun! I wish they never had lines.”

Finn, thrilled to have the floor under any circumstance, stands square in the center doing that finger-to-hipbone-then-diagonally-pointing-at-the-air thing like a three-year-old who just marked his territory with urine, and the other kids are relatively fantastic with the exception of Puck, who needs to be told that gesturing towards his penis is not an actual dance move, it’s just gesturing towards his penis.

The scene ends with a group dance-a-long (during which Quinn is conspicuously absent) which sufficiently highlights the collective sexiness of these hormonal adolescents. And SCENE.

Just a little timeout: to be honest, I enjoyed the first nine minutes of this episode as much as I’ve ever enjoyed Glee. It felt like old-school Glee, with its original cast, cute self-effacing humor, character-focused dance routines and quirky tightly-constructed personalities.

Will’s flashback to his Glee Club winning Nationals with Disco and his confessed hobby of staging musical numbers with wooden dolls from IKEA remind me of the Will we once didn’t-totally-hate. Remember when he was just an earnest dork, rather than the oft-creepy, arbitrarily-irresponsible, overly-sexualized dork we’ve come to know and loathe? I’ve never liked Will, but I’ve hated him less than I do now.

We had Rachel fantasizing about some obnoxiously specific theatrical outfit (far away from Finn, I might add) and Kurt & Mercedes relishing in the glow of the fandom they’ve always felt they deserved. We met a new character who came out with a bang and instantly exuded a compelling, specific and entertaining personality, rather than the apathetic thunk of silence heard world-wide when Irish Breakfast’s melon first crowded our screens. We had some choice Sue Sylvester language and some Sue/Will jockeying that didn’t go overboard. We had a dance-off! We had all of those things!

Unfortunately, the show didn’t end there. So let’s move forward.

Will crowns Santana, Finn and Mercedes Dance-Off Finalists but Finn’s ascension is our first hint that something’s amiss — clearly these accolades exist only to contrive a chance for Will to mentor his Three Admissions-Blind Mice regarding their collectively dismal futures.

Will’s got a special assignment for these three — they’ve gotta perform a song from Saturday Night Fever and, following said performance, must then share their hopes/dreams for the future with the class, just like THEY ALREADY DID TWO EPISODES AGO.

Anyhow, Mercedes rejects Will’s manipulative methods of inspiration, storming into the hallway while monologuing “Just because I don’t wanna rush off to New York and star in a revival of Sister Act doesn’t mean I don’t know what I wanna do with my life.”

Basically, Mercedes’ ambition is hot. It’s on fire, so to speak. It’s like a forest fire even Smokey the Bear couldn’t fight. If Mercedes were a housefire, she’d ignite the block. If Mercedes was a lubricant, she’d be KY Jelly’s Fire & Ice. You follow? Mercedes is hot LIKE AN INFERNO. Just like the song DISCO INFERNO!

It’s a fun, sexy, tight number peppered with heaps of lustful glances between the Girlfriends Brittana and god DAMN Amber Riley is looking good these days and dare I say, this would make a fine audition for the revival of Sister Act. 

Ah yes, but does our lady have a dream? Indeed she does. She’d like to be like Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and/or Aretha Franklin. However, Mercedes points out, her Dad the Dentist isn’t like Berry’s “two supportive parents,” ’cause her Dad thinks her dream is insane and Berry’s Dads just think her choice-of-life-partner-is-insane, and la la la Mercedes doesn’t know “where to start” getting a recording contract and so on and Will assures her everything will work out because “the cream always rises to the top.” Mercedes continues on the cream tip by assuring the class that her cream-status at McKinley may not carry over into Hollywood. There, she’d be “just skim milk” — in which case I’ll have a glass with an ice cube. That’s how I like my milk.

Of course, throughout the scene and musical number it’s clear Rachel and Finn have somehow found a way to interpret Mercedes’ emotional revelation as an opportunity for reckoning with their own insipid feelings about their idiotic dipshit relationship from hell which I am SO MONUMENTALLY SICK OF that I can no longer sit through their scenes, let alone recap them.

Whenever Rachel Berry returns to Glee to replace that whiney, severely-banged, lovestruck, Quiverfull moron they’ve stuck in her body, I’ll return to recapping her words and scenes but until then I JUST CANNOT.

Glee 314 Recap: On My Way To Driving This Recap Into a Brick Wall

If you’ve ever wondered why PSAs are typically no more than 30 to 60 seconds long, you should watch this episode of Glee.

If you’ve ever lost sleep over the dangers of texting-while-driving, you should watch this episode of Glee.

If you enjoy long mediocre auto-tuned musical numbers performed by a group of boys you don’t care about in outfits that are so 2009, you would really like this episode of Glee.

If you prefer a wink and a nod over a hug and a kiss, you should watch this entire season of Glee!

If you want to hang yourself from the ceiling, you should watch this episode of Glee!

Mhm, yup, although I’m typically a bastion of unconditional compassion, sympathy and tolerance on the gay teen suicide issue — this episode was so bad that I cannot maintain that standard and I will most likely be making fun of suicide!

Here’s why: in their review for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Brandy Howard had the following to say, directed at David Fincher: “I’m not gonna let you make me feel — make me think I saw something that made me feel something because I had to watch a small girl get sodomized.” Soooo… Ryan Murphy, listen up: I’m not gonna let you make me feel — make me think I saw something that made me feel something because I had to watch a gay teenager hang himself.

Also I’d like to remind you that I’ve been through the psychological ringer myself, so to speak, and therefore I am permitted by the Laws of Comedy to make as many jokes about it as I want to. And to be honest, I feel obligated to. This is our territory, this topic, upon which mainstream media is frightened to unpack lest they Offend the Gays. I respect that, I really do, and I have a job to do here too, and I’m gonna do it. Despite Glee’s homosexual staff, the story they told this week rang as hollow and simplistic as the stories mainstream news outlets often churn out about actual gay teen suicide victims. It was stupid and ridiculous.

Gay teen suicide stories demand a reverence that silences nuance in favor of simple stories with easy messages, and I think that style enabled dramatic and hugely beneficial cultural change for the first year or so following Summer 2010’s suicide “epidemic,” but I think things like this episode of Glee are doing us a disservice now.

So, on that ENORMOUSLY CHEERFUL note — let’s begin!

So, we open in Java the Hut, where Kurt & Rachel are attempting to innocently consume frothy beverages and talk about themselves when Sebastian the Evil Gay shows up to shove forward his plan to eliminate New Directions from Regionals with befuddling velocity and absurdity.

“We can’t come here anymore,” says Kurt, when Sebastian the Evil Gay shows up. “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE SPACE!” he screams with his eyes.

Yup, Sebastian’s just graduated from the Apple Store’s Photoshop Seminar and is super-duper proud of himself for learning how to photoshop Finn’s face onto somebody else’s naked body!

Sebastian threatens to spread said artistic statement web-wide unless Rachel drops out of Regionals — okay, I’m sorry, I need a time out already.

Time Out #1:

Listen, we suspend our disbelief for this show quicker than we remove our pants and switch into sweatpants after a long day of work/trip to the grocery store, but this Sebastian-Slaughtering-Glee situation — like so much of what gets ground into lentil-loaf and dished into our parched gullets every week on this show — is completely fucking ridiculous!

So, Sebastian, an adolescent male enrolled at a prestigious boy’s prep school, literally sends another choir-boy (Blaine), a former student of said prep school, to the hospital by throwing a cup of ROCKS at his FACE, damaging said choirboy’s actual EYEBALL.

However William insists the New-Fangled Directions have little recourse because nobody at Dalton truly cares, and we all suspect the class’s entire convo about the incident only exists to set up Artie’s “we’re not gonna take it anymore!” speech which consequently serves to set up Artie’s next musical number.  That musical number was pretty awesome but nevertheless William left us all befuddled by both Dalton and his own unprofessional, child-neglect-y response to unspeakable and honestly terrifying violence. No private school administrator would allow a slimy douchebag who pre-meditatively spiked a Slushee with rocks in order to assault another teenager to attend his school. Sebastian is a bona-fide risk to the other students! Limaohio.com would be all over this!

Not only is throwing rocks at someone’s face actual physical assault — and Blaine would’ve been offered the chance to file a police report during his trip to the ER, mind you — it’s not prep-school behavior, it’s not any school behavior. It’s actually pathological and if this show was even in the same galaxy as “real life” (and I think this show does want to remain in real life’s galaxy, if not its immediate orbit or seven furious suns), Sebastian would’ve been expelled from that school lickity split or at the very least suspended, reprimanded, or put on some kind of pebble-free probation.

And then AND THEN! This episode, when Sebastian threatens to cyberbully Finn with doctored photos of Finn’s naked body — which is so novel, I mean, really, I bet everybody would’ve been like “OH MY GOD IT’S ACTUALLY FINN” and I’m also dying to know who Sebastian blew at Google because his confidence regarding instant SEO mastery is a bit unnervingly inaccurate — and the Glee kids take this ish to class, William claims he reported it to Dalton, Blaine insists they’re gonna do nothing about it (WHAT?!!) and William says “You guys are just gonna have to deal with things like this!”

Unlike Kevin’s roll-off into the Wonderful World of Michael & Janet Jackson’s “SCREAM,” however, this scene isn’t a musical number set-up, though it does provide Rachel an opp to mention that she’s performing at Regionals regardless and won’t “negotiate with terrorists.”

Finn, apparently also smoking the crack that convinced William that Rachel dropping out of Regionals is the one & only way to stop Sebastian from going mini-viral, is appalled that Rachel’s unwilling to throw her dreams aside in order to protect Finn’s penis issues. Slow-clap for Rachel, though, seriously. It’s almost like she was… Rachel. For just one moment in time.

Next up, Sue initiates a convo with Quinn in Sue’s office about pregnancy because Sue is pregnant now because this show takes place in the same world where Major Magic was born. Quinn recommends Saltines and lollipops.

These are my notes for the next scene:

2. oh god gay bullying story
a) a graphic of some kind
b) borrrrinnnnggggggg this is boring, nobody has even ever sang a song

So, pull out your party hats, peons, ’cause your favorite character Karofsky is back for an extended run!

Yup! See, Karofsky got “outed” last week at The Breadsticks Garden when Joey McJock spotted him with Kurt, who is essentially a burning bush when it comes to gay association. Despite Kurt’s attempt to cover for Karofsky, Joey McJock apparently spilled the beans to everyone at this new school we’re so desperately interested in, and now his teammates have done a little anti-gay graffiti art on the lockers of Karofsky and his (probably gay) alphabetical locker-mates.

Now, what happens next is monumentally confusing. See, in episode 307, “I Kissed a Girl and Riese Hated It,” Finn outed Santana (eventually on public television) to SAVE her life, but here Karofsky is outed (in school) and it completely destroys his life immediately. I guess girls just don’t count.

Meanwhile, Blaine is wailing some song for some abstract reason I’ve since forgotten, but I believe it’s called “Cough Syrup,” which reminds me of when I used to drink a bottle of cough syrup every night for demented/depressive reasons and also The Carter Documentary.

Blaine’s number is intercut with Karofsky making his bed, changing his outfit and playing with his business belt.

Then Karofsky starts rearranging his furniture or, really, just his chair. Probably is gonna change a lightbulb or something. Oh, whoops, JK! He’s gonna kill himself!

Womp-WOMP!

Next up is an unbearable staff meeting re: Karofsky, which I unfortunately was unable to watch because I’m over the age limit for not barfing during this scene, which I believe is 13 or whenever it is that kids become literate these days.

Okay though, just one thing — Figgins tells the teachers they’ve gotta take immediate action to prevent “cluster suicide” (aka “The Werther Effect,” named for The Sorrows of Young Werther, a Goethe novel about a “massive wave of emulation suicides after a widely publicized suicide”), which’d be meta if Figgins didn’t completely miss the mark in his interpretation of how, precisely, to prevent such a thing — while it’s true that increased consciousness, support and empathy from school administration will do worlds to help other kids at risk, that’s not specifically what’s at stake with The Werther Effect.

“Copycat suicide” happens when a person emulates someone else’s suicide based on knowledge gleaned about that suicide from television or the media. “Cluster suicides” happen when a well-known suicide, aka a “suicide contagion,” spreads throughout a school system, community or, where celebrities or other public figures are concerned, nationally. Wikipedia notes that “to prevent this type of suicide, it is customary in some countries for the media to discourage suicide reports except in special cases.”

Just simmer on that for a bit, k? Just absorb this episode and simmer on that.

We cut to The God Squad, where Quinn points out that “what [Karofsky] did was selfish, he didn’t just want to hurt himself, he wanted to hurt everyone around him. I went through the ringer, but I never got to that place.” It’s a relevant point to discuss but this is Glee, so let’s twist it around and eat it and spit it out and then have Kurt cry all over it and then let’s have Mercedes put her unfortunate hat on it and then it can go to the courtyard singing a song called “I Wish I Was a Relevant Point” to the tune of The Little Rascals’ “I Have Two Pickles.”

‘Cause hey-o, Kurt pops in to God Squad to play Oppression Olympics with Quinn!

Kurt: “Quinn, please. Sure you had a baby when you were 16 and you had a bad dye job for two weeks but seriously? The world never stopped loving you. And you’re going to Yale, you have no idea what Karofsky is going through.”
Quinn: “You really want to try to compare —”
Kurt: “– the despair, the self-loathing.”
Quinn: “I just can’t imagine things getting so messed up that you would take your own life.”
Kurt: “That is so harsh and reductive. Have some compassion. Do you know they’re still writing on his facebook? Better luck next time and try, try again?”

Say what you will about Finn’s penis but his step-brother’s got some serious balls, declaring himself Champion of the Oppression Shot-Put against not only Quinn, but a black woman and a really nice guy whose family was evicted from their home last season. Furthermore, having made it through the death of his mother and some serious anti-gay bullying himself, Kurt’s lack of perspective and apparent need to project his own sense of guilt onto everyone else in the world is, surprise, inconsistent w/r/t his character! But cheers to Chris Colfer for giving it his all, seriously.

You can watch the rest of this scene, or you can read this article, it’s the real-life version of the PSA they’re clumsily putting on right now.

Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, Finn lets Rachel know that despite his upcoming three-inch scandal, he’s not planning on killing himself, and Rachel affirms she too plans to remain alive.

Then they decide to get married ASAP, like right after Regionals on Saturday, because life is too short and it’s only a matter of time before Rachel wakes up, sees Finn lying next to her, and shoots them both in the face.

Finn: “But wait… what if we lose?”
Rachel: “I thought we agreed I was singing on Saturday.”

Okay, high five to Rachel. High five.

Back at Java the Hut, the gang meets up with Sebastian the Evil Gay, but before Santana can truly lay the smack down, Sebastian lays the boring melodramatic crap down.

The Warblers will be dedicating their performance to Dave Karofsky, says Sebastian the Suddenly Sanctimonious Gay, which I’m sure will make Karofsky feel 100% better about everything, what a meaningful gesture, and The Warblers will be “taking donations for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation” at Regionals and so, um, a tip of the hat to you, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

Sebastian reveals that he was an asshole to Karofsky at a bar and therefore “it’s all fun and games, until it’s not.” I’d argue scarring someone’s retina is also “not fun and games,” but I could argue and argue and argue all night with this show and never get off, so!

It’s a cheap moment in a bargain-basement episode — Sebastian, who thus far has acted like a complete sociopath, is suddenly inspired by Karofsky’s attempted suicide to retcon himself? Really? If this episode is a 60-minute PSA — and it is — it’s a lousy one so far. Want to transform a sociopath into an angel, all ye bullied children of America? TRY AND KILL YOURSELF. That’ll show ’em!

Sebastian and those like him should stop bullying because it’s mean. Because it’s unkind to torture the living. Because without compassion we are animals, because without compassion we are sociopaths, because without compassion we may as well be dead.

Oh, by the way! Santana — also gay, also a bully once-upon-a-time, also suffering presently ’cause her grandmother has banished her, also the victim of an unwilling outing on a public stage — has nothing to say about this, because the writers of this show have no earthly idea what to do with women’s stories!

William arrives at class with a tub of peanut butter. See, Irish Breakfast has never tasted peanut butter in his entire life! Luckily, Irish Breakfast is still alive and therefore can eat peanut butter. But, had Irish Breakfast killed himself for some reason, he never would’ve made it to this day where he’s being spoon-fed peanut butter by a curly-haired Barbie Sweet Talking Ken Doll in a cardigan. You follow?

This segues — awkwardly, in case you’re wondering — into a really GRIPPING conversation about how life is worth living!

As William relates his own near-death experience following an adolescent incident in which he was caught cheating on a test, I remove both my eyeballs from my skull with a wine opener, smash them into bits and insert what’s left of them into my eyesockets, then break a glass plate over my head.

Then I watch that suicide-convo scene in The Breakfast Club that knocks this entire season out of the water, and return to witness William’s Game of “things I’m looking forward to” aka “reasons not to kill myself.”

I’ve decided to sugarcoat this scene for you via animated gifs.+

Q: What are you looking forward to, chitlins?

Sam: “Someday I wanna make enough money to buy my parents a new house so they don’t ever have to go through losing their home again.”

+

Mercedes: “I’m most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry’s children.”

+

Artie: “I wanna be there to see my kid’s first steps.”

+

Sugar: “I wanna be there to see Sex and the City Part III.”

FOUR FOR YOU, SUGAR MOTTA, FOUR PARTS OF SEX AND THE CITY FOR YOU.

+

Puck: “I’m sorta embarrassed to admit it, but I really do wanna graduate high school.”

+

Finn: “I’m gonna petition the army to change my dad’s dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one.”

+

Quinn: “I’m looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class.”

+

Santana: “I’m looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again.”

+

Brittany: “I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.”

+

Blaine: “I’m looking forward to marriage equality in all 50 states.”

+

Mike: “I’m looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall.”

+

Tina: “I just want a song.”

+

Kurt: “I’m looking forward to watching my Dad make a difference in Congress.”

+

Rachel: “I’m looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life.”

Irish Breakfast says he sure does love the peanut butter, but that he’s mostly looking forward to Winning Regionals. YAYAYYAYAY! Regionals!!!

All this being said, peanut butter can truly make life worth living. (Also: melted cheese)

Glee 312 Recap: The Spanish Teacher and Santana Are Too Sexy For This Show

Let’s time travel back to the early 90’s, when I was a ripe, blooming youngster enrolled in Sixth Grade Spanish with the same slightly off-balanced teacher who’d been attempting to teach me Español since Third Grade and had, thus far, failed. Specifically let’s time travel straight into “student evaluation” day, which involved discussing our successes and failures as students in front of the entire class — in Spanish — which is, obviously, a terrible way to conduct said evaluations. For me personally this limited my ability to speak of my achievements in anything besides trips to the baño or gusta-ing la playa.

Of course The Spanish Teacher’s first issue with me, Pia Luisa Campos (my Spanish Class name), was that I rarely spoke Spanish in class (although I passed notes in English near-constantly). “But when I talk and I mess up, you laugh at me,” I told her, ’cause it was true. She laughed at me a lot.

She told me, very seriously and in English, “Pia — we’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you.”

Anyhow, it wasn’t true. She was laughing at me. Speaking of people lying about laughing, this week’s episode of Glee was slightly worse than being attacked by a herd of wild elephants and slightly better than Work It!

Nation, I cannot watch this program again. I barely survived the first time. Therefore I’ll be recapping from memory, guided only by pre-transcribed dialogue and Intern Grace’s screencaps, and I’ll be doing so with this facial expression and overall demeanor:

Furthermore, I ought to warn you immediately that this might be one of the worst recaps I’ve ever written in my life, but NATION! — what am I supposed to do with this shit?

Because I’m uninterested in recapping the adult parts but this episode was mostly adult parts, lemme sum that shit up as quickly as possible so we can dig in to the handful of scenes featuring teenagers: This week on Glee, Will Schuster wore a series of unfortunate outfits, lamented his poor Spanish-speaking skills, fought with Emma regarding pamphlets-as-advice, and invited Ricky Martin into the Wacky World of This Episode to save Will from repeatedly embarrassing his white ass with increasingly wretched attempts to she-bang his personality all the way to Tijuana.

Furthermore, the episode deep-sea-dived into some of adulthood’s most fascinating life stages, like tenure-track teaching positions (the teachers are competing for one) and childbearing in mid-life (Sue decides to artificially inseminate herself ’cause this show is obsessed with non-traditional pregnancy). Then, we all rode the train to Trope-Town together wherein we encountered a Sassy Black Woman, amongst other tired racial stereotypes.

Alright, let’s get into the “recap”!

We open in Taco Bell, where three gigantic young men have donned Authentic Mexican Heritage Gear to inexplicably serenade rows of gumdrop children with, I believe, “La Cucaracha.”

Hey Glee, The Three Amigos called to say that Mexico called regarding “what the fuck you think you’re doing.”

Will, aroused all episode by Finn’s triumphant future, travels “con sombrero” throughout the episode.

Then, the Nazis (not to be confused with Radical Lesbian Feminazis), so epically disturbed by Will’s opening number and Sue’s relentless focus on her own ovaries, invade all the countries except for Greenland and Iceland.

Cut to Will’s Night School class, which was invented especially for this episode, after which Will takes Ricky “Menudo” Martin out for coffee in order to say condescending things and showcase his own porcelain whiteness and general inability to be Michael Scott, which is the only way this episode would’ve been funny.

Back in Glee Club, everyone’s sitting around thinking about how bad Finn sucks when Will blasts through the door with a marker and a word and this week’s word is “2030,” which is the year in which I’ll get over how much this episode sucked.

No but seriously, Will explains that 2030 is the year when Lima will be overtaken by Latin Hispanicos who only speak Spanish, which’ll make Finn feel like one of the depressed leads in the classic feature film A Day Without a Mexican.

The class, unanimously in heat due to the introduction of Ricky Martin to a classroom previously dominated by Finn The Human Shovel and Will Schuester, salivate over their assignment to sing crappy pop songs in Spanish.

Ricky and the team bust into a chair-dancing somewhat-funny/entertaining cover of LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It,” although Finn’s Fimo ass somehow gets itself more screentime than Heather Morris’s Serious Dance Skills.

Irish Breakfast hand-jives, Ricky suffocates a keyboardist in a cardbord box, Brittany demonstrates Sex with Santana on a plastic chair, Sugar Motta does push-ups like a boss, and Santana demonstrates Brittany slapping her ass by slapping her own ass.

I’d like to announce we have reached the part of this “recap” where I’ve begun drinking some whiskey.

Meanwhile Will sulks ’cause he’s not the Sexiest Snowflake. He ponders his worth as a man and his various manproblems, because let’s be real — somebody’s gotta think about that stuff all the time, and it’s not gonna be anyone else in the entire world because nobody else cares and never will.

You guys, Will is EPICALLY self-involved, maybe he needs a spinoff. It can be called “The MEMEMEMEMEMEME Show” and every week the assignment is to sing a song about yourself. You know, like um, “I’m Sexy and I Know It.”

Mercedes and Sam are one step and a pole vault away from having a mega-secret affair and Emma’s real bad at her job. Emma’s a counselor who can’t counsel and Will’s a Spanish Teacher who can’t teach Spanish! This school is FUCKED and I am dRUNK anyhow!

Emma, an EXPERT on all things “desire-related,” offers very little in terms of ‘advice.’ However, in line with this episode’s casual borderline-racist nonsense, Emma offers a pamphlet for Mercedes…

…and tells them to stop talking to each other for a week and then decide their true feelings.

Mercedes: “I’m just trying to listen to my heart and I can’t hear what it’s trying to tell me.”
Emma: “Well, if you really want to listen, then you need to stop talking. I’m serious. You know, there’s a lot of communication in your lives these days. With texting and IM’ing and Facebooking, I mean you don’t have any quiet time with yourselves to make informed decisions on your true feelings — [points at Sam on his phone] –– for instance”
Mercedes: “Sam just tweeted that I smell good.”
Sam: “I won’t stop ’til it’s trending.”

Anyhow, this show is either racist or completely weird about race. Like whatever they’re doing — be it offensive, hilarious, or totally acceptable — it’s not working. It’s just not good. It’s lazy in the worst way ’cause it’s just like, leaning on race. Not being funny is always the largest sin, you know. We forgive the other sins if you make us laugh.

Let’s PAGEBREAK for funsies!

Glee Psychotic Episode 309 Recap: What A Long Strange Christmas Special It’s Been

Somewhere between uptown and downtown, I realized I was fucked. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was exhaustion, or too much soy, or maybe it was food poisoning or that old black magic. I was biking home and felt like I could fly, maybe, like they did in ET.

The last thing I remember before everything turned to Glee was being in my apartment, thinking “my head is made of stars and my pillow is a cloud,” and lying on my bed.

Later, I’d wake up but I wouldn’t actually wake up at all, because later I’d wake up in Glee.

The first thing I hear when I start hearing things again is the opening chirps of “All I Want For Christmas is You,” and before opening my eyes I’m 75% sure I’ll wake up in a winter wonderland containing more cheery chirps and Mariah Carey looking stoned in a white-fur-trimmed red snowsuit:

See, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is one of my favorite songs of all time. The song’s appearance in Love Actually was the only part of that terrible movie that didn’t make me want to light my face on fire. There was that time I pulled over at a gas station somewhere between Toledo and Columbus to burn “All I Want For Christmas is You,” 12 times, onto a CD-R, so that I could pop it in the CD player and listen to nothing but that song ’til I got to Grove City.

But the first thing I see when I start seeing things again isn’t Mariah Carey on a sled.

It’s Mercedes, wearing a beautiful rack-flattering plum-colored dress, in The Glee Room, decorating a Christmas tree for no reason!

Yup, I’ve dived head-first into what I’ll call Magical Mystery Glee, where everything’s totally fucked up, and I’m there too, but I can’t see myself, and sometimes I’m watching the episode, sometimes I’m the camera, and sometimes I’m a Pirate Queen on a mission to spread Brittana Love throughout the nation. It’s like a wacky drug test and this shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S and oh, it doesn’t get any better.

I once heard that the only thing more boring than listening to someone describe their dream is to listen to someone describe their acid trip, but seriously this little “episode” is totally worth telling.

So everybody’s there — the entirety of The New Troubletones. Pretty wrapped boxes of packing peanuts are stacked high on tables recently constructed by Western Ohio’s Pop-Up Three-Piece Backup Band. Mercedes and Finn, with constipated facial expressions, are unfurling a roll of wrapping paper for Mike Chang to burst through, trained-seal-style, and behind them, Kurt’s dancing a jig with a CANE in plaid pajama pants and a sweater he stole from Mother Hubbard while Blaine snatched Cookie Monster’s Monsterpiece Theater get-up.

Brittany and Santana decorate Mercedes like she’s a tree, and as Mercedes sings all the children attempt to strangle each other with giant tinsel boas, except Santana and Brittany, who attempt to merge into one body by wrapping themselves momentarily in a giant tinsel boa.

It doesn’t work.

Magical Mystery Glee is even more confusing than actual Glee. In Magical Mystery Glee; Mercedes and Sam are together and her ex-boyfriend never existed, Blaine and Kurt are on the football team, that Senior Class President thing never happened, everybody actually gives a shit about Irish Breakfast, Rachel isn’t Jewish, Puck isn’t Jewish, Sam is maybe-bisexual, Irish Breakfast is maybe-bicurious and Klaine and Finchel haven’t had sex yet. Also, Rachel’s become like oddly status-conscious and super-bitchy about material possessions and sometimes is not Rachel but is Lea Michele, I think, and then later is Dorothy Gale, or Joan Crawford, or a butterfly.

At the end of this song, Rachel & Finn stick their tongues down each other’s throats like two horny high school teenagers and my head does backflips, torturing me with image upon image of this unholy union that has nothing to do with the relationship I was rooting for two years ago. Every kiss is like Finn’s face in a salty open wound.

And that’s when a demonic voice from above tells me that I’ve come here, to Magic Mystery Glee, to find proof that Brittany and Santana are a real couple.

My mission as I believe it to be at that time is to summon Brittana proof for Ryan Murphy or else risk Christmas and Hannukah getting cancelled. Obvs this is a whacked out drug trip dreamstate where this kind of shit makes perfect sense.

So, back in the Hashish Hallways of McKinley High, Rachel’s presenting Finn with a gift list which includes personal delights such as “spray-tan” and “teeth whitening,” and Finn tells Rachel “all I  want for Christmas is you” and then she says, “All I want for Christmas is you, too. And five things on that list,” and then they kiss AGAIN.

Swing over to Sue’s office, where she says a bunch of crazy shit including something about Sarah Palin and reindeer hunting and then rallies Artie, Kurt and Blaine, all adorned in inexcusable holiday attire, to come torture the homeless with a Maroon 5 Mash-up on Christmas Eve.

Then we’re back in the Gayly Garnished Glee Room, where Finn’s killed William Goodboy, eaten him, and taken over Glee Club!

Irish Breakfast says something unbalanced about missing his Potato Family and the children delight as he serenades them with “Blue Christmas” and his chain wallet.

The kids are still dressed up for a Very Merry Christmas, except Kurt, who’s sporting a Ski Bunny Safari look complete with camouflage and ear-warmers, ’cause after this class he’s heading straight for Killington.

As Blue Christmas FINALLY ends, Santana says, “Gosh, that song was so depressing, I think I might actually be dead right now.”

Then Rachel The Non-Jew waxes on about the spirit of Christmas or some bullshit that her character would never say and Tina pipes in claiming last year Glee Club Christmas was like The Island of Misfit Toys, which’s the first of many Magical Mystery Moments in which a teenager will reference something only my Grandmother knows about.

Also, Santana and Brittany are sitting farther apart than we are from Russia, so I’m like FUCK, the voices in my head are gonna conspire and blow out my brain from the inside like a coal mine.

Suddenly William Goodboy shows up, also obscenely festive in a plaid-vest situation, and announces nobody’s getting coal in their stockings this year ’cause everybody’s gonna be on television, which is the obvious opposite of “coal in a stocking.”

William Goodboy explains that Mr. Television Man was “blown away” by how many songs The New Directions got to sing at Sectionals and wants them in his Glee Christmas Special, and then like ten seconds later, William Goodboy explains that Mr. Television Man was blown away by Arite’s Dawson-Leary-esque supreme co-direction skills at West Side Story and wants Artie to direct his Glee Special.

This Television Guy guy is like, heavy into McKinley High. Like McKinley High is this major cultural institution, like the Smithsonian.

Then there’s this weird part of this trip/dream where I’m underground and the cave walls are lined with glee tumblrs on tiny shiny screens and the Rachel/Finn version of “Last Christmas” (from Last Christmas) is playing over and over, and I’m screaming that I’ve gotta find Brittana Truth, bring it back to Haymitch, and make Dorothy Snarker post it on her tumblr, or else the Whos in Whoville will run out of tampons.

Then there’s these two deer, and I realize that the deer ARE Brittany and Santana!

BUT THEN, next thing I know…

…we’re back in the Hysterical Hallways of McKinley Magical Mystery High, where Irish Breakfast drops his books so that Sam has an excuse to talk to him. Sam — who is actually Heath Ledger in Sam’s body — saddles up to Irish Breakfast’s locker, which’s decorated from head to waist with stock photography and trinkets from the St.Patrick’s Day Closeout Sale at that store in the mall, to have a man-to-man.

Although Irish Breakfast’s parents reside one ocean and 30,000 miles away and Sam Heathledger’s within a few hours of his allegedly impoverished family, Sam parallels the two experiences, and then parlays that into inviting Irish Breakfast over for Christmas Dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sam is like, “I’ll be your Christmas Sponsor,” and I’m like “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKERY!?!” but then I remind myself that this isn’t real, it’s just fevered hallucinations, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Irish Breakfast drops that Brit-Brit & Fam are “going on a trip to see a gay Santa, Santa Fe” and at first I’m like PARTY and then I’m like; FUCK! ’cause this fucks with my ability to get the golden proof that Santana and Brittany are actually girlfriends and twitpic it and if I don’t do that I’ll become pregnant with Arlene’s Devilbaby from True Blood. High stakes Christmas.

A character actor with a face like a pincushion calls Artie a “modern day Tiny Tim” and then Chewbacca tells Artie that he’s gotta fit Star Wars into his Christmas Special.

Then! THEN! THIS:

Right? What the fuck? So, obviously, I’m like THIS:

and then like this:

and then we’re back to this:

SORRY, not that, but THIS:

Then Artie tells Mr.Television that it’s gonna be in black and white as an homage to The Judy Garland Christmas Special, which happened in 1963. But like — WHOA — Judy Garland!? Major throwback!

So in Magical Mystery Glee I guess Artie is gay.

Cut to, I think, the auditorium, which Dasher and Dancer have decorated with snow-frosted Christmas Trees donated by Sugar Motta’s benevolent father figure. Lea’s wearing a green dress singing Joni Mitchell’s River and it’s super sad, in a way, but it’s also snowing.

Artie says “River” has harshed his mellow and made him suicidal and additional words come out of Rachel’s mouth while I frantically search for any sign of Lima’s Favorite Lesbians but all I can confirm is Brittany’s shoulder and then, eventually, her sad sad face!

You wanna know who’s bummed? BRITTANY. Girlfriend is BUMMED the FUCK OUT. Like she’s a somber cheerleader dropped into Ghost World and is now smart enough to be cynical about everything. Sometimes she looks like this:

And sometimes it’s more like this:

And then oftentimes, she appeared like so:

Whatevs, back to THIS hootenanny:

Artie’s volleying with The Gays on the topic of Frosty the Snowman, yay or nay, and suddenly Sam gets really dramatic and quits the Glee Christmas Specialtabtacular. He’s gonna find a red bucket and spend the night outside of Odd Lots, pretending to be the Salvation Army and collecting change for The Poor.

Then we’re back in the Hussy Hallways of McKinley High where Rachel (locker adorned with a rainbow flag and Cory Monteith’s headshot), overtaken by The Spirit of Kim Kardashian (as it was written by Finn mere moments ago), demands “bling,” which’s clearly my subconscious re-routing back to this:

Back to Finn (who’s actually Jesus, but I’ll explain that later), who’s got a present for Rachel and it doesn’t look like a Sno-Cone machine.

It isn’t, it’s a Pig which’ll somehow feed a family with #thirdworldproblems, because as I said (and will explain later) Finn isn’t actually Finn in this dream (thank GOD) but a really dopey-looking Jesus Figure.

Rachel’s like, “I’m a vegan,” and I scream YOU’RE ALSO JEWISH AND THEREFORE DON’T EAT PORK ANYHOW and this whole situation is clearly my subconscious addressing my own guilt that we’ve been using the word “Christmas” a lot on Autostraddle to describe “the holidays” which totally contributes to Jewish Erasure and me, me OF ALL PEOPLE, should know better, because I am a Jew.

Right, so! Then suddenly we’re back at the Winter Wonderland of The Glee Room! Rachel and Blaine perform a forgettable rendition of a Christmas song I’ve never heard before and I’m trying to Jedi Mind Control Brittany and Santana, in matching knee-socks and the Winter Edition of the Cheerios Uniform, into a frottage situation.

Brittany and Santana jump out of their pants to dance a dance of romance, briefly, but soon enough they’re back in their chairs, not making out.

Sue, who is almost but not quite a totally different person this in Magical Mystery Glee, is drawn to the Glee Room by a psychic force of scriptwriting magic. She wants to confirm the Gleeks will be do-gooding that Friday with Teh Homeless but they’re totally over it because of the Christmas Show Spectacular on Television. Artie and Sue fight like Artie is the adult and Sue is a kind child with a nice haircut who just wants to feed all the animals. It’s super weird.

Sue asks the room for confirmation that they’re ditching the needy to meet their own needs and Quinn stares at the wall like she just got an abortion.

And then — I wake up.

Glee 308 Recap: Hold On To Sixteen And Your Lunch As Long As You Can

Hello and welcome to another episode of Glee, a show about boys and the girls who dance behind them. This week Glee was mercifully jam-packed with musical numbers, leaving little room for Finn, Artie, Mr. Schuster, Irish Breakfast, Jacob Ben-Getoutofmyface, Mike Chang and every adult character besides Sue to speak.

Three pieces of business before we begin:

1. I know I’ve introduced and perpetuated the concept of Finn being a lesbian, but I’m sorry to say the man is now a Hasbian, which is a term I hate in every single context besides the one I’m inventing right now which is the “Finn is a Hasbian” context.

2. Finn is now officially a member of my own personally assembled League of Unnecessary Characters With Excessive Screen Time Despite Audience Apathy. Here, I made this graphic for you (ALL BY MYSELF!) of everyone else I’d like off my television set:

3. We need a shipper name for Will & Finn, The Dynamic Duo of the Daytona Speedway. Our options are (with source of suggestion in parentheses):

Schinn splints (@BisHilarious)
The good ship ‘Dork’n’Pork (@midnightfeeling)
Fisting (@therealchipster)
WiFi (@kd_15)
Win (@heathereileen)
Schunn (@e1e0r)
Schwinn (@lindsayeanet)
Hudster (@dorothysnarker)
Fill (@dorothysnarker)
WE SUCK (@dorothysnarker)

 Thoughts/feelings?

We open — where else? — in the haughty hallways of McKinley High, where Rachel’s gathering her homework and the seventeen folders required to execute said homework. Rachel tells Quinn and Quinn’s wicker hat that Quinn is more than welcome to solicit singing lessons from Rachel during this hard dark time.

Quinn doesn’t need lessons, because she’s a cyborg replicant killer from outer space with a plan to out Shelby & Puck’s affair to the Principal of Flexible Principles and thereby get Shelby fired. This’d clearly provide an opportunity for Quinn to snatch up the unsupervised Troubletones’ voices and trap them in a jar, a la The Little Mermaid.

Rachel’s unimpressed:

Rachel: “First of all, Puck is 18. so what he and Shelby are doing, even though it’s just wrong and so gross, is not illegal, so all you’re doing is you’re getting her fired, which is going to take away her income to provide food and clothes and put a roof over her child’s tiny little blonde head… Beth loves her mom. Shelby is her real mom. You’ve done a lot of really bad things, Quinn, but if you tell people about Shelby and Puck, you’ll ruin this little girl’s life and then you’ll have really hit rock-bottom.”

Where Quinn comes from, there’s no rock-bottom, only rocky cliffs of horror, like Rocky Horror:

Smear to the Glee Clubhouse, where Finn is playing Pinky to Will’s Brain, except totally not funny and slightly off-putting. Bla bla bla sectionals we’ll loose bla bla what will we sing blooblah bla bla gahhh.

NEXT!

Blaine, dressed like my grandfather who died in 1989 and seriously did have that sweater, is drinking coffee out of paper cups with his male lover, Kurt, who is dressed like Hellen Keller in a flip-flopped collar-and-gemstone garment.

So, SURPRISE!, Kurt’s still freaking out how he and Rachel won’t get into NYADA and they’ll be forced to wile away their lives doing summer stock (a perfectly respectable job) and swilling java at The Lima Bean. Blaine is absolutely no help at all, whining that New Directions is a hot mess not dressed for success.

Kurt’s got nothing to live for, which is so cute and seventeen of him, but MAY I JUST SUGGEST Kurt, that you schedule an AUDITION with NYADA, ’cause that’s what matters most — and MAY I ALSO MENTION Kurt, Kurt! Kurt. Kurt listen to me — there are other schools. It’s not like NYADA vs. Jamba Juice, it could be NYADA vs. CCM or UofM or about 100 other schools with decent-to-fantastic musical theater programs. And Kurt. KURT ARE YOU LISTENING? No school — not a one — no school IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE will care whether or not your Glee Club wins Sectionals. Not even Julliard. That is completely fucking stupid.

I feel like Ryan Murphy was homeschooled. Blaine says this:

Blaine: “Every time I open my mouth, Finn gives me these looks like, ‘What does he think he’s doing?’ I know what I’m doing.”

Anyhoo, it’s time for the Gillin (Gay Villan), Sebastian, who slithers in to the Petulant Lovers Pod to shake things up.

When Blaine excuses himself to get more imaginary coffee, Kurt dives right in to Gillin, paws out:

Kurt: “I don’t like you.”
Sebastian: “Fine. I don’t like you either.”

Kurt:“I don’t like the way you talk to my boyfriend. I don’t like your smirky little meerkat face. I don’t like your obnoxious CW hair. I’m onto you.”
Sebastian: “Let’s get a few things straight. Blaine’s too good for you. New Directions is a joke. And one of us has a hard-luck case of the gay face, and it ain’t me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I’ll have Blaine, and a Nationals trophy, and you’ll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron, and that gay face.”
Kurt: “You smell like craigslist.”

BRAVO, Kurt. Bravo!

Finn has convinced Will that a fourteenth baby-faced boy singer is all New Directions needs to win, and thus he and Rachel are tracking down Sammy Boy at one of rural Kentucky’s many male-staffed women-targeted strip clubs, which Rachel believes, for some reason, to be dinner theater.

Moments after entering, “White Chocolate” is called to the stage. It’s Sam, duh, Sam and his abs and his penis and his Bieber hair and his trouty mouth, wooing the Ladies Who Lunch until they empty their pocketbooks. Rachel lurches to the orchestra pit to give Sam a dollar and get his attention.

We then segue to White Chocolate’s Fancy Dressing Room, where Rachel and Finn trot out old tropes about strippers while shaming Sam for taking this lucrative job — a job he seemingly enjoys, too — which enables him to support his family. Seemingly they feel he’s “throwing his life away” in that outfit and would be better off at his old job, selling overpriced ice cream for $6 an hour so the CEO of  International Dairy Queen, Inc, can buy another yacht, which isn’t exploitative at all.

Regardless, Sam’s not old enough legally to be an exotic dancer regardless so I will restrain from my eloquent tirade regarding Finn and Rachel’s disappointing dialogue in this section. So, Sam’s quickly convinced to drop whatever random education situation he’s currently enrolled in and return to Lima, live with Rachel and/or Finn, and help Glee Club win sectionals.

Cut to Sam taking Finn and Rachel to his home via a fenced-in-lawn vaguely reminiscent of Ryan Atwood’s place in Chino. Once inside the home, however, we’re in a wonderland of shiny kitchen appliances and appropriate mood lighting and in the presence of very attractive parents who look like they invented soap or something.

Sam’s parents cut him loose and we’re off to The Glee Clubhouse, where the gang’s whining about global warming and the possibility of losing Best Jam at the 4-H Fair.

Of course the prospect of losing sectionals is ripe on everyone’s brain. “I know for a fact that we’re going to win at sectionals,” says Quinn like a total crazy person, pacing in her imaginary foreign hellscape of sinister baby-shaking terror.

But before the team can adequately assess the power of Quinn’s voodoo, Finn & Will arrive with Homeless Sam, who tells the class he “lost his way” but “true friends help you find the way back,” which, again, REALLY?, but also — WHATEVER.

Sam launches into “Red Solo Cup,” which I’d never heard prior to this episode, and almost immediately Finn sings/shouts “1-2-3” like Sam the Eagle on tranquilizers, causing me to throw up everything I’ve ever eaten in my entire life. Later, a wayward “GOD NO!” from Finn’s jowly jowls will assault my sensibilities and hurl me into an endless coma.

Often Glee Club impromptu dance numbers are a fascinating peek into the psyches of these dynamic children, who all seem to have their very own idea of how one celebrates the song in question, in this case, “Red Solo Cup.”

So basically; Quinn’s obliviously hopping around on her toes with her poofy skirt like a pretty girl at a garden party. Artie’s pumping his arms maniacally into the air like he’s surrounded by drunk college students on a Football Saturday, Irish Breakfast is moving his limbs in a pattern reminiscent of a really enthusiastic fan of Newfound Glory at his first Vans Warped Tour, Mike’s actually performing a mime act in Cirque De Soliell over in his GapKids-Wardrobed Section of the Room and Finn is lumbering around like a self-centered smarmy high school senior from hell named Finn.

Meanwhile Blaine’s up for Solo cups ’cause Blaine’s up for everything and Kurt is mouthing “what are you doing?” in this super couple-y cute way that makes them seem real. As if Kurt could ever overpower the power of Blaine’s desire to open his eyes real big and bop his head back and forth. And then — HARK! A VISITOR?

WHO IS IT?

NO, not Jesus! Santana! She’s kicking off the episode with a speech she wrote in anticipation of Sam’s return:

Santana: “I just heard the news Trouty Mouth is back in town. I’ve been keeping a notebook just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I’ve missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn’t find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you’ve been working as a baby polisher, where young mothers place their infants head in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you’re back, I haven’t seen a smile that big since the Abominable Snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.”
Sam: “I love you too, Santana.”

Sam, who’s always been kinda the best guy of them all, can take a joke and embraces his old friend:

Oh also:

Back in the Haute Hallways of McKinley Technical Institute, Quinn reminds us both that Sam and Mercedes dated for a scorching hot minute last season and that Mercedes is now “with boyfriend.” Now that Sam’s returned from the dateless vortex of his prior life, he probably wants Mercedes back but won’t get her back and therefore Quinn thinks he should be with Quinn, because Quinn is desperate and sad.

I think all Quinn really wants is power over something. Anything.

Quinn informs Sam she’ll be getting her baby back baby back baby back shortly, ’cause if the scent of desperation didn’t already win Sam over, the prospect of caring for yet another child certainly will.

Bring ‘er home, Sam:

Sam: “Quinn, you’ve got what I call rich #whitegirlproblems. It’s a tough world out there, I know, I’ve been through it. But we only get one senior year. Enjoy it. You know that song ‘Jack and Diane’ by John Mellencamp? My favorite line is this one: ‘Hold onto 16 as long as you can.”

He walks off, leaving Quinn there to think long and hard about how to hold onto sixteen when she’s actually already seventeen. (Sidenote I found the usage of “white girl problems” delightful)

Oh by the way, that same Mike/Dad subplot is playing out for the third time, and it’s a pretty much identical arc to the first two times, so I won’t bore you with it. Instead I will bore you with THIS:

So back in Glee Club, everybody’s wicked riled up and whiny about who will be sent to the reaping. Will says something motivational and obvious, Blaine does a little hop-step, and then Sam thrusts his genitals in the air ’cause you can take the boy out of the strip club, but you can’t take the strip club out of the boy. Sam says the best way to win is to be sexy, which has already been suggested and carried out by the Glee Club seventeen thousand times in prior episodes.

Blaine: “We don’t have to resort to that. It’s cheap. It’s selling out.”
Sam: “I came back here to win. When you’re desperate, sometimes you gotta use your assets in order to get back the advantage. This…” – [COCKTHRUST] “–is the advantage.”
Blaine: “Of course that’s what you think; you have to think that in order to sleep at night.”

Oh, all those nightmares Sam had about making a lot of money by dancing in his underpants.

Sam: “What the hell does that mean?”
Blaine: “It means. That I’m not for sale.”

Oh, neat. Now I hate Blaine. NEXT!

Blaine’s getting all Eye of the Meerkat with the punching bags when Finnstein arrives, because he is all powerful and on an Odyssey of Redemption.

Finn: “Is that Sam’s face?”
Blaine: “Yup. Yours, too. Don’t act so surprised. After getting bullied so much, I took up boxing. I also started the Dalton branch of Fight Club, which I obviously can’t talk about–“

Har har.

Blaine: “…what is your problem with me, anyway? Ever since I got here you’ve given me nothing but crap.”
Finn: “Honestly, dude, I was kind of jealous. I felt threatened. Your talent kind of freaked me out. Made me question whether or not I was good enough. Blaine, I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a jackass to you… With Rachel gone, you’re the most talented, well-rounded member of this team, and now more than ever we need to be on the same page. United.”
Blaine: “Tell me what you need me to do.”

So jazzed for Finn’s Redemption, the story of an enormous terrible boy who enjoyed layering polo shirts and admitted he was jealous and Blaine made him question whether or not he was good enough, but apparently not hard enough ’cause I think Finn still thinks he’s good.

Then Sam tries to get Mercedes back and Tina tries to get Mike’s Dad back for Mike and they both fail.

Let’s skip to the part where Tina’s confronting Mike’s Dad at his Serious Office, pulling shit out of the sky like, “He’s gonna spend the rest of his life doing something he hates, dying inside.” Basically, Mike’s gonna die inside at Stanford, or die outside dancing on a street corner. JK, I bet he’d get lots of dancing jobs on TV shows and in ipod commercials.

Anyhow, enough about him, I’d like to talk about Brittany. It seems like when the dancing starts, there’s no more Brittany, it’s just Heather Morris, being an infinitely more skilled and talented dancer than anyone up there besides Mike, and it’s rarely (if ever) addressed. It’s just implicitly known. 

Glee’s always obsessed over every child’s special snowflake talent — the thing that makes them SO exceptional — and wouldn’t Brittany’s character be so much more fleshed out if her Step it Up 3-D skills were given the same attention as tertiary Mike Chang’s? She may be stupid, but I bet you a million bucks she could snag a gig dancing backup for Beyoncé at a major awards show.

Glee 307 Recap: I Kissed A Girl, Allegedly

If there’s anything I love more than sticking my face in a bucket of gumbo — and boy do my eardrums appreciate a good shellfish scrub — it’s white gay men writing stories about Latina lesbian women, filming them, and putting them on my television set!

This week on Glee, tiny mockingjays continued their vicious attack on Kurt’s sweater drawer, Sue stole Beast’s Balding Boyfriend from Beast and lost the election to Burtbear, inappropriate teacher-student relations exploded in Puckelby’s pants, Quinn changed personalities six times, Rachel & Kurt fretted over admissions to a conservatory acting program that by definition cares way more about their auditions than about grades or student government positions, and Santana and Brittany didn’t kiss.

This is similar to how nobody had sex for the first time in the “First Time” episode.

Before we begin with the recap I’d like to point out that it’s clear (to me) that in preparation for this week’s Lezstravanganza, this episode’s writer, Matthew Hodgson, marathoned Season One of The L Word. I think this ’cause sometimes what I’ve just read/seen finds its way into my writing in insidious unconscious ways and I assume this happens to other writers too and having memorized all six seasons of The L Word, I can authoritatively state it happened to Matthew this week.

You can skip this part if you’re not as deranged as I am, but I’m just gonna refresh your memory of a few key L Word moments before we hop into this episode of Glee. Just keep these scenes IN MIND, grasshoppers:

#1:

Lara: You have to at least take some steps towards being out.
Dana: I will.
Lara: Because you’re going to be miserable being in the closet.
Dana: I know.
Lara: And you are really… really gay.
Dana: (whispering) I know.
Lara: You know, it’s one of the things I like so much about you. When you hide that, you’re hiding the best part.

#2:

Cherie:  In this fucking ugly world, that kind of love does not exist.

#3:

Dana Fairbanks appears in an ad campaign which, much to her surprise, references her sexuality. Dana then must come out to her parents before Subaru does it for her. They don’t take it well:

Dana: I didn’t do this to hurt you.
Sharon: We all have feelings for our girlfriends, Dana. It doesn’t mean you have to act on them.

Basically, these writers trying to write this episode is like me trying to write about vampires. I’m not a vampire. I like True Blood but I hate Twilight. So I’m pretty ambivalent on the whole vampire situation. You should only ever write about things you care about passionately! Otherwise don’t bother. Is what I think. As you can tell by that amazing paragraph you just read. Fuck. Jesus.

Anyhow! This recap won’t be getting any better, I suggest getting a box of Teddy Grahams and saddling up to the  laptop for a long long night.

This episode I’ll only be recapping the lesbianish scenes, because my vadge lesbo angry ragefuck womyny feminista powerpuff anger is already so extreme re: this episode that I can’t even get into things like, um, this:

We open in Principal Figgins’s Lair of Inconsistent Leadership, where Santana’s battling patriarchal oppression in the form of a two-week suspension for bitch-slapping Finn with two cheeseburgers after he outed her to all of Northwestern Ohio. Figgins cites a recently-invented zero-tolerance violence policy, but seriously, look at Finn, the kid isn’t exactly bleeding from the eyeball, this ain’t waterboarding.

We pause for someone to point out that outing someone also warrants a jaunt to the office, but nobody does, so Santana then proudly introduces us to her unstoppably feisty alter ego, Snix:

Santana: “You don’t get it. When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality. I call her ‘Snix.’ Her wrath of words is called ‘Snix juice.’ I’m kind of like the Incredible Hulk. You can’t blame me for anything Snix does.”
Figgins: “I’m suspending you and this Snix two weeks.”

Finn, hiding in the back in his flannel, debating whether or not he could enhance the gender identity diversity of Autostraddle’s 2013 Calendar by offering to model for it, suddenly lumbers into action. “She didn’t slap me,” he announces.

She’s off the hook! Back in the hallway, Santana’s mystified by this sudden twist of personality and presses Finn for his rationale. Finn responds in a tone so condescending only tiny birds and ferocious Snixes can hear it:

Finn: “I kinda feel bad for you. Look, I know we’ve been at each other a lot over these past couple of years, but the truth is I think you’re awesome. And when you hide who you are, I feel like you hide part of that awesomeness with it. And that’s why you act out, because you hurt inside every day.”

Oh so wow. Nobody loves anything more than being told who they are and what they think by a six-foot-five hunk of brisket whose been photographed in public with Taylor Swift. Furthermore this riff isn’t Finn’s problem to fix — Santana hated him first and doesn’t need his pity, psychology, or penis.

Santana: “That’s sweet, but if you think that in exchange for keeping me from getting suspended, I’m gonna come…”
Finn: “Back to the Glee Club? Exactly!”

Finn’s obsessed with Glee Club now, he’s absorbed all of Rachel’s most insufferable personality traits. However, lacking Berry’s intelligence and talent, this absorption leads to Finn seeming deranged whereas for Rachel it just makes her seem selfish and ambitious.

Finn: “It’s up to you. Either you can come back to the choir room and embrace your awesome or take a two week vacation and enjoy your seat in the audience for Sectionals.”

Finn oughtta write that down, screenprint it onto a Hallmark card and sell that shit for National Coming Out Day because BOY am I inspired. Flip-Flop-Flin thus leaves Santana, and the audience, confused, nervous, and a little bit scared.

Also in the hallway, perhaps on the same day or perhaps next week or yesterday, Rachel Berry is treading with frustrated fear, monologuing:  “I haven’t been this worried about a vote since Lambert versus Allen.”

I personally spent that fateful June 2009 evening drinking vodka out of a water bottle while interviewing D-list gay-or-gay-friendly celebrities in the 85 degree bath of lower Manhattan, and though the vodka numbed my apathy towards The Paradiso Girls it did not come close to easing my anxiety over the American Idol Election. By the way, Lambert “lost” the popular vote, but he won overall. Let that be a lesson to you Kurt — even if you lose the contest to get into NYADA, you can still make out with hot boys onstage and paint your nails for money.

Rachel casts a leer over at Brittany, heretofore known as Bi-Brittany, ’cause someone’s gotta say it and this show sure won’t — Brittany’s bisexuality, that is. Yup. If it’s Brittany and Santana’s relationship that technically outed both of them, it’s so strange, yet predictable, how invisible she and her story becomes. Anyhow —

Bi-Brittany: “If elected I will be sure to have sugary treats available at all times. It helps the concentration. That’s what George Washington said.”

Anyhow, Rachel’s stressing that Kurt won’t get into NYADA without a student council win on his resume, which’ll leave her gay-less in New York City, stranded without easy access to makeovers and, apparently, souffles, neither of which she’s picked up from 18 years of living with Two Gay Dads. Now she’ll have to troll craigslist “gigs” when in need and will probably get killed just like everyone did in that Lifetime movie about the Craigslist killer.

Oh but first some Classic Rachel® perfection:

Rachel: “Nobody cares. They’re all so lost in their own worlds that they can’t see how important this is to me.”

Rachel locates Kurt and zeroes in on his blazer/bandana otherwise known as a “blezanda.”

Killjoy Kurt refuses to let in Lea’s sunshine:

Kurt: “What’s the point. I’m gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.”
Rachel: “You’re gonna shoot Brittany?”

Apparently JFK stuffed the ballot boxes somewhere along his rise (that’s what she said) to the presidency. Obviously Rachel’s already scheming, having seemingly forgotten what happened when George W.Bush cheated. I’ll remind you — 9/11. 9/11 happened.

Rachel and Kurt go together like peas and carrots, but only if “Machiavellian” is a word you can use to describe vegetables.

Will Schecter has given up on securing Finn’s body or his ego to his chair for the entirety of a class period and figured if Finn’s always standing up he may as well do something. Like teach!

Finn’s got the magic marker and scrawls “Lady Music” onto the vision board, announcing to the class that in order for Santana to embrace her identity (not that Santana’s actually displayed a reluctance to do so, she’d just rather do it on her own terms and not on television ’cause Finn OUTED HER), they’ll spend a week demonstrating exactly how men are capable of ruining beautiful things created by women by dedicating the set-list to “Lady Music.” It’s redic enough that “Lady Music” counts as a theme at all, seeing as we clock in at 51% of the population and are well-represented in the World of Music and therefore should be similarly represented in weekly setlists BUT SORRY HERE I GO AGAIN thinking women are real people.

Flip-Flop-Finn: “Santana we’re worried about you.”
Santana: “Worry about yourself, fetus face.”

[That fetus reference is foreshadowing for the position you’ll be in while cowering in the corner in about 15 minutes when Finn breaks into an barbaric low-key version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”]

Finn: “Glee’s about learning how to accept yourself for who you are, no matter what other people think. And that’s what this music is all about.”
Santana: “So wait, I don’t even get a say in this? Not cool.”

Yup! Even when it relates to the sweet sapphic sounds of lesbian folk-rock music, a genre of music universally despised by every man I’ve ever shared a car with, Finn’s the decider. He decides when/why/how Santana should come out, he picks the music, he’s the decider. He decides things.

Finn: “Everybody in this room knows about you and Brittany and we don’t judge you for it. We celebrate it because it’s who you are. I know not everybody outside of this room is as accepting and cool as we are, but we’re doing this assignment this week so that you know in this rotten, stinking mean world that you at least have a group of people who will support your choice to be whoever you wanna be.”

First, Kurt, clearly tired from the sword-fight that resulted in his diagonally damaged sweater-like-thing, chucks his past beliefs and prior personality out the fake window and condescendingly says coming out was hard for him, too.

Kurt and Blaine are ready to kick off Manslaughter Lady Music Week with “Fuckin’ Perfect,” a song written by two men and one woman with an exclamation point in her first name. Blaine says Kurt and Blaine always sing this song to each other in the car which is REDONK adorbs, and you know it.

As Klain hop around performing their Spectacular of Sanctimonious Bullshit, the entire Glee Club flips out and begins smiling and opening their mouths like kids catching snowflakes on their tongues but thank the lord of all that is glorious in the world of character consistency, Santana remains fairly icy throughout.

Meanwhile, Finn’s grinning like a cheetah who just got fistfucked by a five vegan turkey dogs. At one point, his entire head begins to expand, like a balloon.

Santana: “Thank you guys, thank you Finn, especially. You know, with all the horrible crap I’ve been through in my life, now I get to add that.”

You know, with all the horrible crap I’ve already been through in this episode, at least Santana said that.

Some other things happen involving, I think, a Will/Emma scene in the Teachers’ Lounge or maybe an office-related event involving a journaling voiceover re: Sue Sylvester’s madcap race for the senatorial seat via Cooter’s cooch:

Butttt anyhow, back at Manslaughter Lady Music Week, Puck is slaughtering fields of unborn lesbians like a Roto-Rooter by “singing” one of Melissa Etheridge’s many Odes to Stalking, “I’m the Only One.”

Puck is making a breast cancer survivor cry gay tears, which is against all the rules for all the things:

COME ON DUDES — you’ve already taken government, the world economy, television, movies, literature, religion, sports, Logo and prison, can’t you let us keep our lesbian folk-rock music?

Cut to the hallway, where Quinn attempts to seduce Puck into a weekend sleepover to play hide the salami which relates, somehow, to whatever enigmatic plotstravangza the writers gifted Dianna Agron this week, but Puck turns her down because Quinn is approximately ten years short of the minimum required age for any passengers interested in riding Puck’s pony.

Later and/or simultaneously in the heedful hallways of Finn Hudson High, Finn the Decider is ambling over to Santana to vomit some words in her face. Finn’s probably bored, he’s already been to Wendy’s twice and Rachel’s compulsively micro-managing the electoral process and brushing her hair. He just watched Ke$ha’s “It Gets Better” video and has a lot of feelings:

Finn wants to know how she likes his “lesson” thus far.

Santana: “Why are you getting so worked up about this?”
Finn: “Because I don’t want you to die.”

Really.

Really?

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD OVER THE GRAVE OF ALL THE REAL PEOPLE FOR WHICH THIS IS A REAL ISSUE JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY GODDESS IN HEAVEN ON A CRACKER FUCK ME IN THE EAR.

Finn: “A few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those “It Gets Better” videos killed himself. You deal with your anxiety surrounding this stuff by attacking other people and some day that’s not gonna be enough and you’re gonna start attacking yourself.”

Okay, firstly, have some motherfucking respect for the fact that Jamey Rodemeyer was an actual person — a person very unlike Santana Lopez — an actual human being, not a little trick you can pull out to infuse a lackluster episode with faux-emotional-weight ’cause you can’t actually be bothered to think about anything more complicated or character-specific than that.

Santana: “Thanks but that’s not gonna happen. I’d miss me too much.”

AMEN.

Next: IT GETS WORSE

Glee 305 Recap: The First Time Sex Episode

So, the idea behind this episode, entitled “The First Time,” is that these teenaged werewolves are ripe for the plucking and fucking. It’s important you keep that idea in mind since no actual plucking and fucking happens. It’s an optical illusion, like this poster from your fourth grade classroom:

So, Glee exists in a special upside-down world where pre-teen Brittany is nonchalantly statutorily raped in a tent at cheerleader camp and ragingly hormonal 16-year-old boys keep finding emotional excuses to avoid the horizontal mambo. To be fair, however, Finn is a lesbian and boy does he show his Sapphic side this episode!

So I’m just gonna recap the subjectively relevant parts, but for all ye children who live in caves or boxes without light or air or televisions, let me briefly describe the program’s other events.

There’s a subplot involving Coach Beiste and the recruiter from Ohio State (I’ll get to that conundrum in a tad, don’t you worry) striking up a romance over a shared love of football. As sweet as it tried to be, just because she’s a masculine woman doesn’t mean she’d be a 54-year-old virgin or need sex advice from a 17-year old in sweater vest! Remember the Will Schuster Pity-Kiss Episode? I just did. She’s not a sexual charity case for crying out loud. Basically, everyone treats her like Susan Boyle.

Also, Mike the Dancer’s father is stalking his son to tell Mike that he’s gotta quit dancing and the musical because Mike’s Dad sucked at tennis. Dad used up all the dreams, so there are no dreams left for other Changs. Dad disowns Mike, Harry Shum Jr tries to make a frowny face, and says, “then I guess I don’t have a Dad anymore,” at which point I laughed almost as hard as I did at the end when Kurt showed up with a nighstick.

LEZ GO!

We open with Artie and The Amazing Technicolor Cardigan wheeling around school, talking about himself. He gets a Chaz Bono joke in there, because the only thing I love more than Artie is a Chaz Bono joke.

We cut quickly to the McKinely Musical Mashtacular where Lea Michele and Darren Criss are killing Tonight from West Side Story and for one sweet moment the world is nothing but lovely music and teenage hopes/dreams.

For the ensuing 50 moments the world is penis. I haven’t been forced to have so many thoughts about penises since that one episode of The Real L Word. Speaking of the thunder down under, Artie incomprehensibly tells Blaine & Rachel that in order to properly capture the groin-centric yearnings of Tony and Maria, the two must engage in sexual intercourse ASAP. This school is a cesspool of sin. See:

So, back in the hapless hallways of McKinley High, Rachel saddles up to her enormous boyfriend with a beat-the-cheeks attitude and a gloriously Rebecca-Black-inspired poster for the Class President Student Council Body Leader election I’d completely forgot about. Finn’s on the fence regarding voting ’cause Kurt’s his brother, Rachel’s his girlfriend and he’s got a lot of respect for Ron Paul.

Rachel rubs up on Finn like her vagina is about to explode and Finn makes a Maalox face, which means they’re gonna have sex.

Kurt, preparing for his future blending in to the magic of Disney’s Jungle Cruise as a Tour Guide, has slaughtered an entire Safari and re-composed it as a multi-piece clothing-related ensemble, which he’s wearing while talking about dorky musical theater things with his dorky dancing boyfriend. It’s cute.

Speaking of wild animals, Kurt’s curious if Blaine’s opinion of Kurt has been tainted by the frequent references to and episodes about Kurt’s fey unsexiness or if Blaine’s still interested in fingering Kurt’s taint.

Blaine: “Are you crazy? You’re the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.”
Kurt: “I mean, like… sexually. I mean, we are playing it awfully safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator.”

Here’s why:

The dynamic duo continue chatting about how maybe they should wear baggier jeans if they’re never gonna unzip:

Blaine: “I thought that’s what we wanted.”
Kurt: “It is. I’m just wondering… do you ever have the urge to just rip off each other’s clothes and get dirty?”
Blaine: “But that’s why they invented masturbation…”

Masturbation: a new invention brought to you by the same guy who put the ram in the rama-langa-ding dong. Regardless, Blaine and Kurt are Jedi Masters of restraint thus far and unlike his Hot-and-Cold castmate, Blaine is either too scared or too dreamy to jump into bed for artistic purposes.

Blaine: “Hey, I’m serious. We’re young, we’re in high school, yeah, we have urges, but whatever we do, I want to make sure you’re comfortable, so I can be comfortable. And besides, tearing off all your clothes is sort of a tall order.”
Kurt:“Because of the layers?”
Blaine: “Because of the layers.”

As much as Blaine allegedly loves his boyf, Kurt’s got ample reason to be insecure — whereas Blaine’s strapping good looks are a consistent conversation topic, Blaine won’t even throw Kurt a bone(r) in a conversation about Kurt’s perceived sexiness. Tell your boyfriend he’s hot, weirdo! At the same time Blaine’s got the personality of a dork who accidentally grew up handsome but doesn’t know it yet. I think Kurt knows it, though, and it makes him nervous.

Cut to Dalton, where Kurt & Blaine’s march toward sodomy is further derailed by Sebastian Valmont McEvil the Eighth, a brand new warbler and Blaine Superfan.

So, when Blaine stops back at Dalton — stepping right into an unnecessary musical number involving a hoard of teenage boys flirting suggestively with a suggestively-attired teacher — to hand-deliver an entire “block” of West Side Story tickets to his ol’ pals, Blaine meets this douchebag straight away. “Once a Warbler, always a Warbler,” says Sebastian Valmont McEvil the 8th. He’s gay and a villan. A “gillin,” if you will.

The two retire to the Study to chit-chat about Blaine’s decision to leave Dalton and Sebastian’s decision to be 100x cooler than everyone else ever.

This convo is intercut with Santana and Wendla Bergmann doing “A Boy Like That,” which is so hot that probably Santana’s shoe could set Michael Jackson’s hair on fire. This unfortunate editing is reminiscent of when Nikki & Shane’s bathroom sex romp was unnecessarily intercut with Bette & Tina’s Dance to the Death in The L Word Episode 607 (obviously Bette & Tina’s Dance was the only thing I wanted to see.) (SHENNY FOREVER)

Sebastian Vandermint: “I could really use some more insights from you, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler.”

In the locker room, Finn, because he’s stupid, asks Puck for advice on “condom brands” in a hushed tone he’d usually reserve for asking one of his lesbian sisters for an extra hand with that Diva cup. Puck never uses ’em, however, so Finn’s got no choice now but to check Consumer Reports or The Internet. His brain hurts just thinking about it.

A recruiter from Ohio State has stopped by McKinley to recruit Finn Hudson, which is maybe one of the top ten most ridiculous truth-stretching plot twists in the history of Glee. As a University of Michigan alumnus with at least five Ohio State alums in my extended family and, most importantly, as a person who has watched five seasons of Friday Night Lights in the last six weeks — I CALL BULLSHIT. If Luke and Matt Serasen couldn’t bag a scholarship to TMU, Finn Hudson’s got a better chance of making it into Ilene Chaiken’s pants than he does Ohio State.

Meanwhile in The Hallway, Blaine’s got extra pep in his step now that he knows it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me. Blaine wants to live it up! Since this is Lima I assume living it up will include cow-tipping and going up the down staircase at the mall.

Blaine: “West Side Story is all about living outside of your safe little world. Don’t you want to wake up every day and be adventurous, and experience everything in life you can?”

Clearly Blaine’s ready to top Kurt’s Eiffel Tower or whatever, but Kurt’s been assembling a bucket list on his Apple iPhone™ with slightly more innocent desires, like having sex with Taylor Lautner and becoming CEO of Logo wherein his first executive order would be to force AfterEllen to link to us.

Kurt: “I know, I know it’s stupid.”
Blaine: “No, it’s not. It’s hot.”
Kurt: “Well, anyway, we’re young, so we’ve got all the time in the world to be adventurous.”
Blaine: “Don’t you think now is the time to be adventurous? While we’re still young?”

Kurt’s totally flummoxed by this because he’s a teenager and teenagers hate sex. It’s like the Brussel Sprouts of adolescence – so good for you, but hard to swallow.

Some time in the next approximate moment, we see Blaine and Sebastian at the coffee shop, where Blaine is enchanted by Sebastian’s memories of drinking expensive things I can’t spell in Paris.

Blaine tells Sebastian that he’s got a boyfriend, Sebastian says “that doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you,” and before Blaine can finish explaining why they chose monogamy over polyamory despite Dan Savage’s advice, Kurt shows up! Right there in the casa de coffee!  WHOA! HEY-O!

Despite it being the final week of rehearsals for West Side Story, Kurt quickly agrees that he and Blaine will accompany Sebastian to SCANDALS, a nightclub for friends.

So, Finn poisons his vegan girlfriend with meat and then she wants to have sex with his meaty head. Unlike, say, a 17-year-old straight boy in high school dating a hot chick who wants to bang, Finn ditches the fireside snuggle-related do-si-do when Rachel lets it slip that she’s only doing “it” to become a better Maria. In fact, Finn’s so disgusted that he buries his head in a pear tart and dies.

Just kidding! Just like the lesbian we all know he is, Finn gets his emotions and his panties tied in a wad and withdraws his sexual affection, retreating to the kitchen to eat his feelings. Pear tart, I believe.

VIDEO: Glee Live! 3-D Movie Trailer Will Rock Your Socks Right Off Your Feet!

Following in the footsteps of other inspirational music artists like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, the Glee cast is releasing its very own three-dimensional concert movie, Glee Live! 3-D,  for a special two-week engagement. Hopefully the film will be screened at a variety of times throughout the day and night as ideally I’d like to attend a midnight showing so as to avoid being the oldest one there, which may or may not be the only reason I never hunted down tickets for Glee LIVE! itself.

Anyhow let’s cut to the chase! Watch the trailer!

Back in May, Ryan Murphy told The Hollywood Reporter about his plans for this cash cow:

This tour was all about going out and performing for our amazing fans who have supported our show from the beginning, but due to the limited time we had to travel during our hiatus, there were only so many cities we could get to before we had to resume work on the television series. We knew that not every fan who wanted to attend a concert would get that opportunity. Now, thanks to our friends at Twentieth Century Fox Film, we’ll be able to bring the concert experience to movie theaters across the country in full three dimensional glory. We promise every passionate ‘Gleek’ a cinematic experience that will have them singing and dancing in the aisles.

Are you gonna go to the movie? Be honest.

Lady Gaga’s Big Interview, Brittany & Santana’s Little Live Kiss and Other Stories

LADY GAGA:

Lady Gaga’s interview in The Advocate is giving the media a lot of lukewarm feelings. The interview focuses mostly on Lady Gaga’s relationship to the gay community, namely the backlash coming from the community that her activism is just a sales tool:

“To say that I would use the gay community to sell records is probably one of the most ridiculous statements anyone can make about me as a person. I would say the top thing I think about every single day of my life, other than my fans, loving the music, and my family being healthy, is social justice and equality…Anyone who says that I’m not genuine is not interested in overcoming this fight.”

When asked if she considers herself an ally or part of the LGBT community, she says she ascribes “to the b letter.” On the difference between speaking at The National Equality March and performing in the Monster Ball Tour:

“As much as I love the fantasy of the Monster Ball, it is a fantasy; it’s a place to escape to. Whereas when I’m working as a political activist, we’re rooted in reality. We’re rooted in the reality of the fight.”

Queerty slams the piece, arguing that it posits Lady Gaga in an inappropriately fawning light, saying sarcastically:

“Lady Gaga is not just a shameless self-promotin’, self-important, media-manipulatin’, Messiah-soundin’, outsider-liberatin’ pop music machine… no, no, no, Lady Gaga is a gay activist at heart… If you don’t like Lady Gaga then you are against gay rights, social justice, sparkler bras and for the killing of gay unicorns everywhere.”

What are your feelings about this unnecessarily-separated-onto-4-separate-pages interview?

GLEE:

Have you heard the one about the little Brittana peck that sent a million fangirls into a tizzy over the weekend? In honor of the last show of the Glee live tour in Dublin, they threw together a short skit, during which Brittany mistakes Blaine of being straight and is left alone without anyone to kiss (they put as much effort into that storyline as on the show, I see). Santana then jumps on stage to surprise her crush with a sweet kiss and the crowd collectively lost their ever-loving shit. See also: Kurt & Blaine kiss.

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW7rciJ0pfU’]

K.STEW:

Girlfriend is jumping from one iconic role to the next by signing on for a new trilogy: Snow White and the Huntsman. Interestingly, rather than the competing film starring Julia Roberts, this film is getting the Lord of the Rings treatment and going for an epic three-film series.

Sayeth IMDB:

In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) ordered to take Snow White (KStew) into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen (Charlize Theron).

Producer Joe Roth on why KStew was cast as Snow White: “I hope this is a movie that will appeal to those who find Twilight appealing, but also she is someone who has some piss and vinegar in her.”

PORTIA DE ROSSI:

VegNews (not to be confused with Vag Magazine) exists… and Portia de Rossi is the July/August 2011 covergirl. Interestingly, she never spoke about being vegan during her book tour last fall and explains that she didn’t want people to see going vegan as further manifestation of an eating disorder. She also discusses how she finds being vegan more difficult than being gay:

“Listen, I think it’s more difficult to be vegan than gay. I think people have a harder time accepting it; people feel more uncomfortable with a vegan at their dinner table than they do a lesbian. It’s confronting. It’s kind of suggesting that what someone else is doing is bad or wrong, and it hits them on a more personal level. … If somebody is setting there eating a steak watching you eat polenta, they’re thinking that you’re trying to preach to them or you’re trying to convert them in some way. Whereas with being gay, I don’t think anyone’s concerned that that’s the agenda. “Hey, Mom, you also have to be gay. I’m gay and so should you be!” Certainly when I told her that I was vegan, it forced her to look at her habits.”

MILEY CYRUS:

I ran into her at Dinah Shore last year. Just sayin’.

Glee 222 Recap: New York State of Mind Control

I had this great idea for a business. See — I don’t really have any marketable skills and nobody’s interested in my English Literature degree. But there must be something I’m really, really, really good at, right? So I sat here and thought about what that thing might be. What am I good at?

Then it hit me!

I’m good at telling the powers-that-be how tofix their shit for next season. I’m good at doing this while sitting my Mom’s couch in my ex’s pajama pants as the waters of all the Great Lakes slowly flood her neighborhood streets.

[I was just bitching about recapping Glee to my girlfriend and she said “glee is a thing that i feel when i’m with you”! Isn’t that adorable?!]

Anyhow where was I? Yes. Here on the couch in my wet socks (I walked outside to observe Noah’s Ark), eating my tomato soup. Anyhoo, I’ve got a few BRILLIANT ideas for Will because SPOILER ALERT his team didn’t even place in the Top Ten at Nationals.

SORRY BUT IT’S TRUE!

Okay — let me start out by saying that I’ve got no show choir experience ’cause my singing voice sounds like Sookie Stackhouse’s screaming voice. But I am smart IN GENERAL.

So. Firstly, it helps to pick a song that really “matches” your group. It’s especially useful to look back on the numbers already performed this season for various insipid, perplexing reasons and select one to sing at The Big Contest. Why surprise yourself with a song allegedly composed in the hotel room where the Glee children were locked up and subsequently escaped to play instruments, kiss each other and eat hot dogs in the cool New York City day when you could pick one of the millions of songs you can access on iTunes, Amazon.com or even at your local record store?

Tip Number Two — Ever thought about giving solos to your most talented singers? I know, I know — I’M A GENIUS! — but spread me on a Saltine and stick me in a vintage lunchbox if I’m not onto something with this. Don’t select songs based on which will most effectively forward the (again, inane) plotline, Mr. Doofster, pick the right song for your SINGERS! Like maybe Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel? Santana? Give the people the solos they deserve!

But it’s a live performance with dancing, right? Well, how about featuring your most talented dancers? Giving Finn two seconds of aired dance-time was good for a laugh, but not for your success. Don’t match Brittany up with who she dated, match her up with the other male dancer in your squad, and leave ’em at the front to sport their stuff.

Just an idea.

We open in New York City – UH HUH – center of the universe – SING IT, GIRL! — where the entire Glee Club has conspired to eye-blast the entire citizenry of Manhattan via Bright Color Overload. Seriously it’s like GapKids and Gymboree had a baby and that baby invaded the tkts booth. Kurt’s foregoing the Bright Colors trend however. Kurt is dressed, as he so often is, for battle.

Rachel’s snagged tickets to Cats from some guy’s asshole and Quinn reminds her that it closed ten years ago badum-CHING! and instead of pooling their taffy money together to catch a matinee of Mama Mia!, the kids do what children are so wont to do and create their very own musical on the streets of New York City.

Not yet though.

Also? Lea Michele playing a character awestruck by the majestry and giant billboards of New York City is like seeing Brian Kinney play a virgin.

Back in the hotel room, all 12 kids are lying around thinking about ponies when Will bursts in to let them know they’re all on lockdown in the hotel until they write an award-winning song.

Will would help but he can’t because he’s gotta hit up The Hawaiin Tropic Zone restaurant and have a chili dog or go be in a Broadway Musical or sing a song from Matthew Morrison’s upcoming album. Something like that.

I sure hope nobody’s parents find out that Will’s not only leaving the children unchaperoned, but actually locking the children in rooms with beds, alcohol, food and telephones. Will wants two solid verses when he gets back. Brittany starts tracing her cup onto her notebook, foreshadowing Brittany’s upcoming performance — probably the highlight of the season — of a bouncy, lighthearted number about a thing we all know & love —  CUPS!

Brittany’s entry into the Nationals selection pool is called “My Cup.”

After confirming that Brittany looks great even in white pants and that the song is indeed about cups, they realize they cannot sit down to write until they’ve stood up to live. Puck especially, that guy has gotta be at least 32.

Quinn is feeling extra-lazy today — “We don’t need to write songs for Nationals, New York’s gonna write it for us.” Was that her big surprise for this week?

Puck points out that New York is the “artist capital of the world.” He probably just saw Factory Girl.

THEN!

To the confusing beats of a “New York, New York”/”I Love New York” mashup, the children galavant / leap throughout the city like flight attendants on amphetamines, passing a parade of New York City cliches on horseback carrying newspapers/frankfurters/briefcases/guns.

The New York City that Glee Club is selling is void of drug dealers, messy crowded overpriced apartments, overflowing trash cans and over-emotive hipsters. It’s void of nightclubs and adventures and drugs and sex and booze and dirt and all the ugly/beautiful things that make New York City the most excruciating and miserable place to live and therefore also the most exhilarating, thrilling place to live.

BUT AREN’T THEY SO FUCKING CUTE YOU WANT TO HIRE THEM FOR YOUR MOM’S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT THE JCC?

Yes, the children have fallen in love with the same itinerary given to the rich suburban kids on Teen Tour. Most impressive is, of course, Santana, who in her green mini-dress and yellow mini-jacket and black maxi-boots, steals every scene she’s in and even the ones she’s not in, except for the ones Brittany’s in, because sheI mean — duh.

It’s a catchy, earnest number reminiscent of the 50s musicals this episode was clearly inspired by. Also Brittany’s pulling off white waist-high pants, in case you missed that.

A huge chunk of this week’s episode is devoted to, SURPRISE, Finn & Rachel’s wormy little backless love affair, which is kicked into high gear when Finn’s bros tell him to stop asking me on formspring if the straight girl he has a crush on has a crush on him too and actually go ask Rachel out. They also agree with him that a Finn-Rachel Duet is the “way to win nationals,” I think they’ve all been glamoured by Pam.

“Anything’s possible here. You need to ask her out tonight,” says Puck. Is it possible that I might care about Finn and Rachel? NO!

Meanwhile on the girls side of camp, the girls have ravaged the feather-stuffed pillows of the hotel room. They’re beating each other with pillows and giggling psychotically as Rachel tries to write the next “Trouty Mouth.”

Finn texts Rachel and commands she meet him in Central Park for an emergency meeting of the Male Lesbian Support Group. Bring juice & flowers!

The potential love-birds stroll through the gorgeous Central Park ravine, probably talking about one of the 500 things they have in common, like finding water refreshing and thinking Breaded Fried Okra is the best Fixin on the Cracker Barrel menu.

It’s just like a romantic comedy. How do we know that? Because Finn & Rachel keep saying “it’s just like in those romantic comedies” over and over.

Patti LuPone drops in for a delightful cameo in Sardi’s, Kermit the Frog’s favorite restaurant and makes Rachel promise never to give up on her dreams. PHEW! I was worried she might end up barefoot and pregnant in the Pizza Hut parking lot or something.

Following their starstruck dinner, a motley crew of male actors stalk Rachel & Finn around an unspecified area of New York City (although Bedford, the street they pass, is in Brooklyn) singing that song from Lady & The Tramp.

Finn wants to talk about how he wants to be with Rachel since he basically dumped Quinn for Rachel and now his prospects are looking dim as Rachel explains she’s fallen in love with a CITY, sorta like Carrie Bradshaw in that one episode. You know the one?

Why can’t she be with Finn? Because after graduation, she will charge head-first into her Manhattan Destiny. What does this have to do with Finn? Nothing, really, especially considering Rachel Berry’s been pretty consistently interested in a Broadway Career since the pilot and that teenagers date one another despite divergent collegial plans every day right here in America. Anyhow, whatever.

Finn goes for the makeout but Rachel’s grabbing takeout — she “can’t” she says really dramatically, turning from him and walking in the opposite direction despite the fact that they’re staying at the same hotel.

The next morning the children are napping on top of their notebooks, because writing songs is exhausting! and Kurt gay-bullies Rachel into turning her frown upside down, taking off those Valentine’s Day Wrapping Paper inspired jammies and hitting the town! There are so many clichès yet unexplored!

We cut to Tiffany’s, where Kurt’s hair, looking seven kinds of 80s-new-wave fantastic, is hanging out with the Rest of Kurt and also with Rachel Berry.  Did anyone else grow up thinking Tiffany’s was a restaurant that served really good breakfast?

Rachel tells Kurt she’s gonna tell him a secret. Don’t get too excited, it’s not a lesbian secret which are the only kind we care about around here.

Her secret is that after graduation she’s gonna move to New York City to attend college and be a Broadway Star and then never come back to Ohio. LAME SECRET, BERRYFACE.

Anyhow, enough chit-chat, let’s break into the Wicked theater to fulfill our lifelong dreams of breaking in to Broadway.

A benevolent black man grants Rachel & Kurt access to the theater so they can do a pretty fantastic rendition of “For Good” from the musical Wicked. The original Wicked starred, of course, April Rhodes and Rachel Berry’s biological Mom. My Mom loves Wicked. She has a “Defying Gravity” t-shirt and everything.

Santana and Brittany need to make out in the bathroom but Quinn’s hogging it, probably looking at herself in the mirror again.

JK! Steely Quinn’s been crying her perfect little eyeballs out, wondering why everyone besides her has love/fulfilled dreams. It could be worse, Quinn. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Well. I guess Quinn was dating a lesbian man until very recently so she can cry if she wants to.

And she wants to.

Santana says she knows how to make Quinn feel better but despite 56 tumblrs that claim otherwise, Quinn says that she’s “flattered” but “really not into that.” Mhm. That’s what they all say. Anyhow, let’s skip gayly in that direction just the same.

Santana: “I think I know what’ll make you feel better.”
Quinn: “I’m flattered Santana but I’m not that into that.”
Santana: “No, no I’m talking about the haircut.”

ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE HAIRCUT, MAYBE?

Close enough.

Glee 221 Recap: “Funeral”, or “Back to Black”

Well! What a doozie! I mean. Wow! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER! I mean, what a FUCKING EPISODE, right?! Right guys?

Just kidding, did they make this episode just specifically to piss me off? (Sometimes I feel like Ilene Chaiken does that to me IN MY SLEEP!) Did they think “which storylines does Riese NOT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT, let’s ONLY DO THOSE”? I mean. And then — and THEN! — “which plot device will, inevitably, still make her eyes water, and which songs will make her heart sing, so that she feels conflicted about wasting this precious time so close to Nationals?” well if that’s what they thought then they’re wrong. I’m not conflicted.

I found this Getty Stock Image that best explains how this episode made me feel:

The good news is that my intern, her name is Grace or “Intern Grace” for short, really handled my Devil Wears American Apparel graphic-related demands this week with aplomb. Did you know that Sue Sylvester walking down the hallway looks just like Frankie walking down the hallway?

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Did you know that Sue Sylvester sometimes looks like Bette?

The more you know!

So, the show! Actually before I begin I want to say that it’s really late on Thursday, I’ve been in flight all day, am currently in Michigan a mere 3 hrs away from the Lima, Ohio Cracker Barrel, and wordpress just erased 30 minutes of work on this thing just for funsies! So I’m sorry if it’s not funny.

It’s another morning in Lima Ohio where Mr. Shu has mixed up his weekly ritual of writing on a whiteboard and then underlining it by writing the word on the whiteboard BEFORE the children arrive and NOT underlining it! This week, the word is “NATIONALS.”

Will opens by informing the children that Jesse St. James, once again wearing a homosexual outfit, has been added to Glee Club as a “consultant.” Because you know, for weeks everyone in Glee’s been sitting at home in the darkness binging on tater tots, drinking wine coolers and crying WHY DON’T WE HAVE A CONSULTANT IF ONLY WE HAD A CONSULTANT WE COULD WIN NATIONALS WHERE IS OUR GOLDEN CONSULTANT.

Regardless, clearly McKinley High is so fond of inexplicable plot devices that the kid from the other school who fucked Glee at nationals last year and got into a fist-fight at prom last week is now on payroll.

How does The Glee Club feel about this last-minute addition to their “team”?

Jesse’s big idea is that they should center the show around their strongest performer, and everyone knows it’s Blaine. Just kidding it’s Rachel. Just kidding there’s a sign-up sheet on the door. Just kidding obviously it’s gonna be rigged because Jesse is dumb/evil.

Sue wants to fly the Glee Club to Libya so they’ll be swarmed and murdered by militants, and also, she fired Becky, and now Becky wants to be in Glee and Will says no, she can’t, because Nationals is coming up and they just can’t deal with a new member right now.

I’m pretty sure Will is gonna let Becky in anyhow and I’m mentally preparing myself for the “people with Downs Syndrome can sing too!” episode which undoubtedly would end with Becky covering We R Who We R backed by a 50-piece orchestra and Cirque du Soleil trapeeze artists.

Which — to be fair — would’ve been AWESOME.

Then Becky says, “I just want to belong,” which I mean. Crack my heart open with a screwdriver.

But Will stands his ground. Hm. Well played, Will. Well played.

(What’s the purpose of this scene, then? It must be relevant to a future scene which will undoubtedly irritate the fuck out of me.)

Will goes to yell at Sue about firing Becky.

Turns out Sue fired Becky because Becky reminded Sue of her sister and Sue’s sister died. Womp Womp.

Here’s the thing about teevee episodes involving the death of an immediate family member — a sibling, a parent, a child — if you’re one of the people, as I am, who’s lost a parent/sibling/child, the episode is always about you. Grief actually isn’t that complicated, and television generally does it about as awkwardly as we do it ourselves, though more contained, sometimes. But all that benign grief is there at the surface, you know? Bette’s Dad was my dad. So was Dawson Leary’s Dad, and Miranda’s Mom, and Nate/David/Claire Fisher’s Dad…. it actually doesn’t even need to be good to make you feel sad!

But also — I came here for Brittana.

So are you following? So far the girl with Downs Syndrome has been fired by Sue Sylvester and summarily rejected from Glee Club. Finn has upset Quinn with his love for Rachel and Jesse has upset Finn with HIS love for Rachel, which manifests as Jesse ripping on Finn’s singing/dancing skills. Then Sue’s totally nice sister died. Will has been in like every scene so far. We even had to spend time in Will’s bedroom looking at his clothing.

So basically everyone is sad or dead, including me.

Also, Finn has no confidence and won’t audition for Glee and Jesse fucked up all of his confidence in ten seconds. Lesbians are so insecure, probably because people were assholes to us in high school.

You know what Finn should do? He should put “at least mike chang can dance” on a white t-shirt, and go sing “Closer to Fine” on the stage while the rest of us eat our Jell-O and wonder why Brittany and Santana are not making out.

Also Finn and Kurt, aka Team Lesbigay, visit Sue to offer their Grieving Expertise or support or something. They’re like little cub scouts, Kurt is the smart one and Finn is the one everyone wants to talk to.

Somewhere in here they get the idea to throw her a funeral, because both of them are, basically, big softies who love feelings. Sue Sylvester is the opposite of that. And opposites. Attract.

I gotta hand it to Jane Lynch this episode. Much like being waterboarded, it’s not easy to play a ruthless semi-psychotic Darwinist bully trickster being in grief. But she does it. It’s shocking at first ’cause Sue’s always so dry — so that flat monotone is in full effect, but this time there’s no snap at the end, just a dry dull sadness.

Sue: “So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this?”
Kurt: “Not at all–”
Sue: “Because if I’m being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jene’s things, and I won’t plan a funeral. If you boys would really like to help me you might start by trying to explain to me why it was her time and not mine. She’s the sweetest person I ever met. and as both of you can attest, i’m probably the meanest, so how come i’m still the one standing here talking to you?”

Jesus fucking Christ my eyes are watering again.

The Lost Boys return to Glee Club with grand plans for a … FUNERAL! Why would they wanna throw a funeral for that bitch Sue Sylvester, is the question. They argue that it’s outside loyalty — they’re not doing it for the “bitch”, it’s for the bitchin’ sister.

The kids still seem a bit wary, considering the funeral will probably take up valuable time they could spend having conversations in their bedrooms while looking in the mirror. These kids love mirrors.

(Does Will still write lesson plans? Kinda feel like the kids are constantly running the show these days, with all of Rachel’s announcements she oughta be promoted to Vice Principal or something.)

Jesse thinks throwing the funeral is a bad idea.

Jesse: Can I say something? When someone dies, yes, it’s a tragedy, but it’s also a part of life. And you can’t let death put you life on hold. Now, I don’t mean to be blunt, but I don’t think you should be planning a funeral the same week you should be focusing on the set list for Nationals.

Finn: Seriously? You… you’re serious?

Jesse: Actually, yes, I am. Do you know what Vocal Adrenaline is doing right now? They’re in their third week of 24-hour-a-day rehearsals. They’re on an I.V. drip. That’s how hard they’re working. Do you know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop, like Weekend at Bernie’s.

Well they’re definitely gonna lose because you can’t win if you’re sleep deprived. BAM!

It’s time for auditions and Jesse, the ambitious asshat that he is, lets Will know he’s practicing for a big career as a reality show judge, which I mean — duh Simon Cowell, I see how this is gonna be. They’ve got a lot in common, like big egos and a good resume for the job. Will will be a conglomerate of Randy’s cheesiness, Ellen’s kindness and Paula’s dim-witted-ness.

You know I just recognized Will’s haircut: Justin Timberlake. N’Sync. Quite some time ago.

I think Will’s got brain damage of some sort. Maybe from when that stranger offered him candy and a ride home from school and then decked him with a baseball bat.  Sue could’ve wiped his dumb ass onto the pavement in episode 111 (Hairography) just by setting up a few Home Aloney booby traps or just hired a wicked witch to lure Will into a gingerbread house.

Basically, what’s about to happen here is that Santana will blow it out of the ballpark, Kurt will climb the fence and grab the ball and throw it back into the stadium, and then Mercedes will catch the ball and score a home run. Then Will will clap softly and Jesse will hurl emotional tomatoes violently at the stage.

First up is  Santana, doing “Back to Black” which has been in my head ever since. She’s got this thing she does — like she’s dressaging her sexuality, like she knows just how to perform heterosexuality, how to play it, but she’s a little bit above it at the same time. She’s sassy but dark too. Classy. That rhymes. Raspy.

Following this incredible performance, Jesse juices up the enema and expels it into hate speech about the best two minutes of this program.

Don’t rain on that bitch’s parade, pretty boy. Don’t you dare. She will crack your barrel.

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Glee’s Naya Rivera Sells Sweet Lady Kisses at GLAAD Awards; Lady Gaga’s Got New Songs

GLAAD MEDIA AWARDS:

Our very own Santana is all grown up and played host of the San Francisco GLAAD Media Awards this weekend which honored The Kids Are All Right and Kim Cattrall. Naya Rivera peppered her intro with all sorts of inside Glee jokes, referencing “sweet lady kisses” and challenging the crowd with:

“For those of you who don’t watch [Glee], A) kill yourself and B) as if.”

Clearly relishing Santana’s character arc and evolution, she proudly announced:

“I am here to tell you that playing gay is good in every way. And that hopefully the huge increases in gay and lesbian characters will lead to more diverse and transgender-inclusive storylines.”

Naya also put a little money aside for Glee by auctioning off two kisses for $3,500 each!

More importantly though is that she said “Brittanna” out loud. GLAAD presents a different set of awards at its three annual ceremonies — New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco. San Francisco is the last ceremony of the year and the awards presented were:

Outstanding Film – Wide Release: The Kids are All Right
Outstanding Documentary: 8: The Mormon Proposition
Outstanding Spanish-Language Music Artist: Christian Chávez
Golden Gate Award: Kim Cattral

The following pictures may be relevant to your interests:

LADY GAGA:

In a brilliant PR move, Gaga is staving off (or maintaining control over) the Born This Way album leakage by essentially releasing a new track every few days. “Hair” debuted just moments ago and check out a LIVE performance of “Edge of Glory.” Both songs feature Clarence Clemmons of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band on saxophone.

“Hair”

“Edge of Glory”

Finally, if you’re still trying to figure out what the hell was happening in the “Judas” video, the good people at Queerty have enlisted a religious scholar to decode that baby for you.

Thoughts on the new songs?

UNICORN PLAN-IT:

Last week we announced the Kickstarter fundraising campaign for Unicorn Plan-It, Autostraddle’s first scripted web series written by and starring Sarah Croce, Haviland Stillwell and Ashley Reed. Today we’re excited to announce the final casting of the fourth series regular, playing the role of Bambi, Catherine Wadkins! Catherine is known for playing Mary Bishop on General Hospital and she has also appeared on Medium, Medical Investigation, and Helter Skelter. She was seen on Broadway in Arthur Miller’s The Man Who Had All The Luck opposite Chris O’Donnell. You should probably know that she also makes amazing video greeting cards for the interweb. That’s right kids, donate a few quarters and that face is ready, willing and able to come to Autostraddle in a big way!

AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO:

Ah, nostalgia! Saturday Night Live resurrected the long-running superhero cartoon, “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” for the first time in eons this weekend. However, in a surreal twist, the animated short morphed into live-action when a “flesh ray weapon” transformed the 2D gay/not gay Ace and Gary in to human played by Jon Hamm and Jimmy Fallon with Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and Ed Helms appearing as villains. Hilarious or biphobic (as some have claimed?)

ADELE:

First off, if you don’t already own her album “21” drop everything right now and RUN to iTunes. Some lovely quotes from her Out Magazine cover story:

“I get a lot of mail from people who tell me that I make them really happy to be themselves, and really comfortable with who they are, which I love. I would hate it if someone was, like, ‘I wish I was you’ because I’m as insecure about myself as the next person. In what way? Just that I’m not good enough — in my music, in my relationships, and that I’m never going to be brave enough to tell someone how I feel.”

She also tells the story of a young gay fan who came out after listening to “Someone Like You”:

“He fancied someone at school, but he wasn’t out. And he listened to ‘Someone Like You’ and came out to his best friend and then to the boy he fancied, and it turned out that he was gay as well, and now they’re together — he’s like 15. I had to leave so I didn’t burst into tears.”

Glee 220 Recap: Prom, Queen of the Desert

This week on Glee, a bunch of dudes had a lot of feelings, a bunch of girls wore prom dresses swiped from last year’s production of Bye Bye Birdie, and — reader. Until Tuesday night, I’d managed this long to completely avoid listening to the song “Friday” in its entirety. I saw the first two minutes or so of the video when it debuted, found it funny, but also ultimately boring. I’ve since avoided it. It’s easy to avoid things when the only thing I talk to besides myself is a stuffed dog I think will come to life one day, like Indian in the Cupboard.

That’s all. I just wanted to share that with you.

So wow what an episode, right?! I mean, prom! PROM! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Everyone gets to wear a SHINY DRESS! When I look back on my life, I regret not wearing something more controversial to prom.

Every time I see the Jewfro guy’s face, I know something stupid and annoying is about to happen.

This week, Jacob McDowner is there to let Puck know that Lauren has taken “his balls” and “stripped him of his manhood” and furthermore, word on the street is that “she’s the one who wears the pants in this relationship.” It’s true. Puck is the only pussy-whipped boyfriend in the history of high school, and furthermore this guy’s opinion is super-important to Puck, because this guy is super popular, and I’m super happy that he’s on the show.

Meanwhile, Lauren the Ballstripper is worried she’ll have to be the one who wears the pants to prom because Ann Taylor Loft, Filene’s Basement and six Forever 21s didn’t have a single thing that fits. Now she’ll have to make her own dress, like Cinderella but without the help of the little birds. Before we can talk too much about the world of possibilities at Jo-Ann Fabrics, Mr. Shu arrives to perform his weekly ritual of writing a word on the whiteboard and underlining it.

The word of the week is PROM!!

PROMMMMMMMMM

Prom is the fancy party which, according to a number of major television programs including Beverly Hills 90210 (OG) and MTV’s True Life: I’m Going to Prom, is the most important event ever. It’s more important than Vietnam.

You can get married as many times as you want, Quinn Fabray points out, but there’s only one Junior Prom. Well — there’s also Senior Prom, which I think is similar, but whatever, the hostess at Cracker Barrel said 40 minutes ’til my table so, let’s hustle.

Glee Club’s gonna perform at prom night because Air Supply canceled. Rather than hire a DJ or stick an ipod into a speaker and press “shuffle,” they’ve recruited a rowdy team of outcasts everybody allegedly hates to perform — LIVE — at prom. I honestly think the only place where live bands perform at prom is television and the movies.

Mercedes stages a personal walkout because girlfriend does not have a date for this dance because Glee is racist.

But Brittany doesn’t have a date either, Merecedes!

Good point but Mercedes has left the classroom and entered a McKinley High TIME FREEZE, which is when off-screen action is suspended (this will happen again later) in order for plot to be developed in another room, ideally over by the lockers. That’s where they get their special powers. The lockers.

Mercedes, for reasons which have yet to be revealed to us, doesn’t have a man. She wants a man, “the dress, and the damn corsage,” but she doesn’t have one. Why not, show? In the wise words of Autostraddle’s very own Gabrielle Rivera, who’s twitter you should probs follow…

Mhm. Anyhow, Mercedes tells Rachel what she wants. I think she read it in a greeting card somewhere:

Mercedes: “I just wanted to be Cinderella. Just for one night. One night where a guy would look at me under those corny crate paper streamers and say, “You look so beautiful”. And then he’d grabbed my hand and asked me to dance. Isn’t that what prom is suppose to be about?”

No, prom is supposed to be about getting wasted and not getting caught. Look what happened to Donna Martin. She almost didn’t graduate!

Blaine is afraid of the prom, because last time he went to a school dance he got his ass kicked. Kurt, annoyed by all this unnecessary last-minute backstory that really should’ve come up during one of their 567 chats about gay bullying earlier this season, is like “I’m wearing a Peter Brady shirt and a Great Jungle of Wal-Mart-Smock-inspired vest, so you better take me baby, or leave me.”

Blaine remembers that he’s crazy about Kurt, which is adorable. Seriously just photograph these two and cross-stich their faces onto a pillow already, I’ve got a twenty-dollar bill on my desk. It’s broken though, I have to buy tape and tape it back together. Then, I will buy the pillow.

Mercedes & Rachel corner Sam in the theater with a Prom Budget, they put it together just that very afternoon in their clubhouse after picking their favorite boys in school and playing with cootie catchers and making their own hair accessories out of flowers from their mother’s gardens. That’s actually what inspired the most INGENIOUS part of The Boxcar Children’s Prom Threesome Plan, which is to make corsages “from flowers in our mother’s gardens.”

I’m not sure why the only way these three humans can happily go to prom is if they strategically combine a guy who’s already turned down one of the two–TWO!– girls he’ll be taking, a very serious limited prom budget, earrings made out of macaroni and play-dough, and a twenty-dollar “loan,” but whatever, it’s Glee. Sam agrees, hopefully because he’s into Mercedes or something.

Anyhow Next thing you know, people will be bringing dogs to prom, and then having children with dogs who are half-dog, half-child. Those half-dogchilds will grow up and become Prom Sorcerers.

Kurt, wearing Nazi Boots, a bandana swiped from Amelia Earheart’s grave and the very same jumpsuit Dale Earnhardt was wearing when he won The Indy 500 on the moon, is participating in the Prom Fashion Panel, usually a girls-only affair, because he’s an effeminate homosexual man who enjoys fashion.

Lauren, giving an accidental tip of the hat to Shane by skulking out of the dressing room in Chuck Taylors and a giant yellow situation, laments “I look like a lemon mereinge pie.”

Kurt suggests she try navy, and his co-hosts practically come in their pants over this Andre Leon Talley-level genius insight. Even Lauren, who allegedly possesses not only her own ovaries but also Puck’s balls, thanks Kurt profusely for his wisdom as if anyone in this room has managed to go her whole life without being told that navy is slimming. Did you guys know that black is slimming? It’s true.

Lauren returns to the “dressing room” to Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo her way into Young Navydressland.

Next, Our Lady Lesbian emerges in her inspired-by-1995-Christmas-Barbie satiny red dress explosion. Kurt loves it. Loves it. Loves everything about it.

After unanimous approval, Santana asks to speak to Kurt privately, wherein she asks him to beef up personal security to enhance her appeal as the Eva Peròn Prom Queen. Interesting how Santana would rather look like a heartless asshole than admit her true motivations originate in a heart that beats just like everyone else’s, feelings and all.

Have I mentioned yet being happy that Kurt’s back at McKinley? Because I am. And not because I’m sick of Jason Mraz covers ’cause really WHO COULD EVER BE BARF

Rachel interrupts the stage crew probably fixing the set from the Great Rihanna Flood of 2010: “Members of the audio visual club, I possibly might sing this song at prom and when I’m done rehearsing I’d like your feedback — tell me if I was brilliant, or simply outstanding.”

Then Rachel Berry breaks into “Rolling in the Deep” AND HARK! … who’s that in the shadows of purple summer? It’s Jesse St.James (He should start his own Whiskey brand, right? “gimme a shot of Jesse St.James” you know?), played by Jonathan Groff (noted homosexual, best friend to Lea Michelle).

Actually what’s secretly happening here is that Wendla is calling into the mirror-blue night for Melchior to come discover the word of her body. She’s not really gonna sing this at prom.

After their sexually tense duet, Jesse sits Lea down to apologize for being a complete fucking asshole.  He admits spying on New Directions via Rachel in order to obtain their fourth consecutive championship was “a bum deal. For a first, maybe, but a fourth? No way. I’ve come to make amends.”

Looks like Rachel’s not totally fucked after all…

Finn cares that Rachel is going to prom with Jesse St. James and Rachel bla bla bla bla bla bla. Finn doesn’t know what kind of corsage to get, so he asks Rachel, who turns out to be obsessed with Quinn, you can see it in her eyes when this unfortunate conversation finally reaches its conclusion.

Meanwhile Santana is keeping herself in the closet by masquerading around the hallways with The Gay Guy in a red beret and shiny red jacket, protecting him from any bullies/closeted homosexuals lurking in the shadows.

Santana: “Teen gay! You may now proceed to the next checkpoint without fear of violence.”

Santana: “I’m the law and order prom queen candidate.”
Kurt: “I’m walking away from you now.”

I bet if Santana kept this up, she could un-closet some lonely lez currently crying over a plate of Hashbrown Casserole at the Cracker Barrel who’s desire to walk around with Santana all day would trump her desire to remain closeted. Well, this hypothetical lonely lez is out on the internet. She’s out on Autostraddle Social. But you know what I mean?

Lest you were concerned these students don’t learn anything besides how to sing thematically relevant pop songs without actually knowing how to sing, the occasional smidgen of Spanish and a little dollop of sex education, you’ll be pleased to learn they’re all enrolled in home ec, where they’re making a thing with eggs and Brittany’s confused:

And Kurt has issues with the curriculum, because he’s gay:

I’m ready for the part where Santana and Brittany spill flour on each other’s shirts, but Santana’s not in this class — well, neither is Kevin. And look who just rolled on the fuck in. GET OUT OF OUR LESBIAN STORYLINE, FOUR-EYES!

Kevin has a plan to get Brittany back. Surprise! It’s a song. Kevin intros “Isn’t she Lovely” with a speech I couldn’t listen to because he was speaking in that really unnecessary gravely-baby-talk voice he does all the time.

Clearly this whole number is gay and inspired by Finn the Lesbian’s love of lesbian folk-rock music. Everyone sings along and makes instruments out of kitchen utensils like it’s Sesame Street and Artie makes a lot of “demented bird” facial expressions and Brittany makes a lot of “to the left, to the left” facial expressions.

“I thought this song was about a baby,” says Mercedes. Someone get this chick a boyfriend.

Somehow this incredible interruption to what I can only assume was going to be egg drop soup doesn’t earn Artie his prom date back. Now that he’s got nothing to live for, he’s gonna help Puck spike the punch bowl. I know, right? Who cares.

It’s time for the new Glee spin-off Two and a Half Men, starring Blaine, Kurt’s Dad, and Finn, who is half-man, half-lesbian. It’s a good show, much better than the original. No really, this is cool, all the guys hanging out. Not like that. You know. I also appreciate how, much like Brenda and Brandon Walsh’s living room, the set-up of this house lends itself to impromptu fashion shows.

… and also to Alexander McQueen. Pretty sharp, clearly, but Mr. Dad and Blaine aren’t sure if they love it. However, Finn’s a big fan!

Dad’s like “Hey buddy, you look great in that skirt and all, but maybe coast on that ‘nobody bullying you anymore’ thing for a while before breaking out the kilt” and Blaine is like, “Yeah, totes,” and Kurt is like, WTF?!

Then Kurt gets teary and the little boy who always dreamed of wearing a kilt to his junior prom emerges:

He also points out that “prom is about joy, not about fear.” DUH! GOD WHY CAN’T ANYONE JUST REMEMBER WHAT PROM IS ABOUT? WHAT DOES BLAINE KNOW HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!

Karofsky, with a beret atop his sausage-face, escorts Kurt O’Hummel down the hallways of McKinley high, like two Bros-in-Arms:

I wonder what ever happened to their PFLAG club. Anyhow, Brotofsky drops Little Drummer Boy off at the market/French Class and then has like five feelings all in a row and only two of them he knows by heart.

Kurt: “Have you noticed that nobody has bullied me this week?”
Karofsky: “That’s because the Bullywhips are protecting you.”
Kurt: “Maybe. But maybe nobody has been harassing me this week because nobody cares.”
Karofsky: “You’re dreaming.”
Kurt: “Okay, look — I’m not saying everyone in this school is ready to embraced the gay, but maybe at least they’ve evolved to being indifferent.”

Karofsky looks a little emo, so Kurt dives right into that open wound like a little gay guppy of joy and kiltish sensitive delight:

Kurt: “I see how miserable you are, Dave. I could just hate you when you were bullying me, but now… now all I see is your pain… and you don’t have to torture yourself over this. I’m not saying you should come out tomorrow but maybe, soon, the moment will arise when you can.”

[KAROFSKY STARTS CRYING]

[YEAH!]

Kurt: “What’s wrong?”
Karofsky: “I’m so, I’m so freaking sorry, Kurt. I’m just… so sorry for what I did to you.”
Kurt: “I know.”

If Kurt was my friend and he told me about this on g-chat, my response would be “!!!!!!!!!!!”

In the Princess Castle, Quinn is finishing filming the Diamonds are Forever commercial at her dresser and, as the last moments of Twinkle-Eerie-Twinkeltoes-Dreamstar Music fades, Mom calls that Finn has arrived. Quinn emerges and Finn suddenly realizes that his girlfriend is really really really really good-looking. (Tbh I’m not into the Dianna Argon thing but bcw says she’s one of the prettiest girls in the whole world, so.)

I wonder if Quinn likes that corsage as much as the Faberry shippers do.

Later, after, I assume, Soup, Salad, and the epinimous breadsticks, Quinn and Finn stop by the most awkward double date in history, wherein Jesse informs Quinn:

Jesse: Quinn, you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night; i’ll be more than happy to cut in.

Isn’t that weird for Jesse to hit on someone else’s date? Why is Rachel just over there like she’s chilling in Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood while Jesse spreads his seed amongst other wild giraffes of the jungle? Kids these days. Technology. Facebook!

Will Santana’s Lesbian Future Somehow Include Dating Men? (and Other Teevee-Related News)

Glee:

From E! Spoiler Chat:

YELYAHbosco: There is lots of speculation about Glee‘s Santana and her sexuality, any scoop on her upcoming storyline?

“She’s definitely a lesbian,” Brad Falchuk tells us, forever putting to rest the question of her sexuality. Now that we cleared that up,

Jesus f*cking Christ Almighty. I hope they don’t riot on AfterEllen today.

I think I’m supposed to freak out about this, it’s like our obligation to flip our shit whenever a lesbian does it with a dude, but I can’t. Yes — we hate this trope. Our people, long oppressed by the thwarted lesbians of teevee shows past, hate this trope even more than I hate “dining with people who are eating buffalo wings.”

But this isn’t like that.

Honestly, I don’t personally think that the lesbian-hooks-up-with-dude storyline inherently problematic (as long as the girl goes back to her stated preference at the story’s end!). Stories need conflict, after all!

What’s problematic about any suggestion of this trope, and what riles up some Skins US–esque hostility, is how historically this trope has been used to undermine and trivialize our sexuality, pander to a straight male audience, reinforce patriarchal ideas of men being downright irresistible and ideal romantic partners and to placate networks or advertisers by quickly shuffling the lesbian storyline out of sight. Also, it’s been done and with so few gay storylines out there, we expect a lot from each one.

Because the thing is — and I might get axed for saying this — it’s a rich trope, from a writer’s perspective. It’s hard to beat in terms of inherent complexity, although employing it haphazardly is often exactly as lazy as it seems. It was executed well in The Kids Are All Right, where a gender-swap would’ve told a different story altogether — if Jules had cheated on Nic with another woman, the ‘other woman’ would’ve been a formidable threat to Jules and Nic’s relationship. Paul’s gender made Jules’ reasons-for-cheating abundantly clear: she wanted to be wanted by someone — no strings or potential love attached — and men are pretty adept at ravenously wanting sex. She was looking for sex, not love, and a standard Affair would’ve complicated that intent.

So how will this go? We’re cautiously optimistic. In our favor:

1) Glee drops storylines like they’re hot, cannot maintain continuity, it’s unlikely that they’d break tradition here and actually pursue a Santana-runs-to-a-dude storyline past one episode.

2) Everyone flipped about Blaine possibly going bisexual and our fears were unfounded.

3) Santana is definitely a lesbian and acording to the most recent definition of “lesbian,” a lesbian is a person sexually attracted to persons of the same sex. So this means, logically, that were Santana to run into the arms of a dude, it’d probs last about as long as it did for Paige on Pretty Little Liars.

4) Glee‘s done (relatively) well by us so far when it comes to homosexual representation.

5) There’s so much opportunity for humor in Santana getting with a boy after deciding she doesn’t like boys and that humor hinges on a rejection of the heterosexual paradigm.

6) Finn is a lesbian

Other  homosexual Glee info from the E! post:

Q: Anything new on Blaine/Kurt on Glee? Can’t get enough of those two!

A: Neither can we. That’s why we were so psyched when Darren Criss told us that Blaine and Kurt (Chris Colfer) have real staying power. “They’re in the honeymoon stage, and they’ve just recently gotten together, so that’s really new and exciting like any new relationship is,” he says to us. “I think [Blaine] has something really special with Kurt. It’s not just a flash in the pan kind of crush.”

+

South of Nowhere:

The cast of South of Nowhere has put together a promo to inspire somebody to make a South of Nowhere movie. However someone invited Glen to this reunion, probably because he was on the show, but I don’t see why we have to keep looking at his stupid face. There’s still time to fix the mistake of inventing his character!

+

Exes & Ohs:

The second season of Michelle Paradise’s “Exes & Ohs” was signed, sealed and delivered to Logo quite some time ago, but Logo never gave it an air date. Now it has one — June 29 at 7:30 pm. We somehow suspect this is an effort to use up their lesbian content so they can safely move forward as if there is no “L” in LGBTQ.

+

The Today Show:

Jessie J appeared on The Today Show today and it was awesome.

Glee’s Santana Is A Confirmed Lesbian, Kurt & Blaine Do Prom

I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that Glee is on hiatus for the next four weeks and will return mid-April. The good news is that yesterday was Glee day at PaleyFest, the annual event where television writers and actors gather panel-style to chat about their wondrous contribution to pop culture. Much like Comic-Con, tons of spoilers and casting info comes out of the fest and boy did this one not disappoint.

Let’s cut right to the chase. Santana is officially 100% gay, as told exclusively to AfterEllen:

“Santana is now out, internally. Whether she’s dating somebody or not, we don’t know. But we think we’ve made a big step in giving the world that character. Whether her and Brittany will work out we don’t know. (Lesbian visibility) was our intention. We want to make sure everybody is included. Santana is a lesbian. She might not be ready to come out yet, but she is.”

Writers Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk explained that while they love the Brittana dynamic (and who doesn’t?), the focus will now be Santana’s solo journey as she comes to terms with her sexuality. I actually think they are on the right track with this one — by having Santana deal with her identity independent from a relationship, it will probably come off as less of a gimmick and treated more seriously.

“A lot of people are very interested in that relationship. We now have a major character on one of the top shows on TV who is a lesbian. Whether she’s dating someone or not is not really what we’re getting at just yet. What we’re trying to do is explore that character and what it means to be that character. We’ll use Brittany as part of it, but we’re more interested in seeing who Santana is and how hard it is for her to accept who she is. That doesn’t mean they’re not gonna be together, but we’re more interested in the individual part of that relationship.”

AE also got a hold of Chris Colfer and he has a few ideas that could change the perception that gay men and lesbians operate on different planes: “They’re both very bitchy characters so I feel like they could bond. Maybe Kurt could teach her to be a little bit nicer — and a little bit more out.” Elsewhere, on the Kurt and Blaine front, there is sure to be some Klaine (is that a thing now?) angst when Kurt returns to McKinley High and the two fight to attend prom together. That’s awesome, but will it top Justin & Brian’s “Save the Last Dance For Me?”

Ya’ll up for some more Glee spoilers?  Good.

Close your eyes, ears and other portals if you wish to remain pure:

+ The “Born This Way” episode focuses primarily on the Karofsky bullying storyline.

+ Gwyneth will be back after the current four-week hiatus and hopefully again in season 3, adding that, “Gwyneth is sort of the muse of the show. I’m friendly with her. And Brad has become quite friendly with her. She’s also somebody who I write on the weekends and say, ‘What do you think about this for an episode even if you’re not in it?’ She has opinions. She’s great.”

+ Murphy says the show’s creators have long wanted to do an episode devoted to an album as opposed to an artist, and their wish has come true: Glee has been granted the rights to Fleetwood Mac’s epic record, Rumors.

+ Kristin Chenoweth returns later this season performing the original song , “It’s 10 am, I’m Drunk.” (She returns to pester Mr. Shu after her all-Caucasian production of The Wiz crashed and burned and she’s now performing in a one-woman show called Crossroads.)

Hey, what ever happened to Anne Hathaway guest starring as Kurt’s lesbian aunt?

Glee 216 Recap: “Original Song” or “The One With Gay Boys Kissing”

Do I even need to say it. Do I even need to tell you where to put your children (far away, like in the cellar if you have one, or maybe at soccer camp or viola lessons or something) and where you need to hide your television (far away, like in the cellar if you have one, or alternatively you could bring me your teevee because I can’t afford my own) and what to do with your ears (blast them out of your head with dynamite)? I do not. We all can see, plain as the day Quinn’s baby was born and subsequently disappeared into the vortex, what’s happening here.

IT’S THE FULL FRONTAL ATTACK OF YEAH YOU KNOW IT YOU GOT IT

Last week we saw all varieties of homosexual activity on three — THREE! — different prime-time television programs. Except one of them was in the UK, where everyone is drunk and a communist and happier than we are, so you know. Whatever.

Anyhow, before I launch into this guaranteed-to-be-halfassed recap which will certainly leave out most of the heterosexual business, primarily because I am still unable to separate Lea Michele, that-girl-i-knew-who-was-friends-with-all-my-friends, from Rachel Berry, the character, and therefore I feel dorky/strange/stupid writing about her in any substantial way and by “substantial” I mean “fangirlish” because that’s the language recappers are supposed to speak (I realize this sounds like a namedrop, but I’ve been asked why I don’t talk about this or that Rachel moment, so there’s your answer, end of conversation! Ta-da!), let’s cut to the part  that I still honestly cannot believe happened on my teevee:

The thing about gay kisses on teevee is that they tend to be pretty tepid, almost comically so — like everyone super-glues their lips together and then stuffs their glued-up face in another girls face and holds it there, lips still tightly affixed, for 2-3 seconds. Like this:

If you want tongue, try Showtime. Or, you know, Pretty Little Liars. But Kurt & Blaine actually parted lips, possibly even wiggled some tongues down some throats and warbled their way to couple-ville this week, which seemed improbable as I imagined Blaine was coming to find Kurt as insufferable as I currently do and they’d never get together under these circumstances.

But I underestimated the power of an acoustic Beatles tune to bring a homo to his knees.

The episode opens at Dalton Academy, where The Warblers have done the impossible and managed to choose yet ANOTHER song that’d make me walk right out of GapKids no matter what was on the sale rack in a size 18. Apparently these Warbler children who did, to be fair, gave us plenty of clues that they were merely imaginary lemmings sprouted from Blaine’s ID, believe their best/only shot at winning anything ever is to have Blaine sing a song while they make doo-wop noises in the background like little musical soldiers. Kurt, READING OUR MINDS, points out —

Kurt: “Can I be really honest with you? Because it comes from a place of caring: Been there, done that. Look, Blaine, your solos are breathtaking. They’re also numerous.”

Mhm. If they wanna wow the crowd, they can’t just cover Train and Maroon 5 and all those other pussy guys while Blaine does sign language. WHAT WILL THEY DO? WHO WILL HE SING WITH?

Cut to Kurt in his room looking at himself for no reason when his pet bird Pavarotti, who I may or may not remember ever existing prior to this episode, drops dead. That’s unfortunate considering Kurt could’ve used the money he spent on that Burberry birdcage cover on saving a child from the devastation of the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear crisis currently happening in Japan or even saving a child who lives nowhere near Japan and has never heard of Japan but nevertheless is, as they say, “hungry.”

But Kurt is also hungry. Hungry for “me-time” which for Kurt means “everybody-look-at-me-time”! He decides to express his feelings about Pavarotti’s death through song — BLACKBIRD. Jeezus there are no words for my love of this song.

Reader — I cried. Mostly I was thinking about George Harrison, though. No JK, I was thinking about John Lennon.

This is the moment that Blaine will reference later when he confesses to Kurt, after having encouraged his cult to allow him and Kurt to do a duet together and gotten the sign-off on it:

“Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever’. Watching you do Blackbird this week, that was the moment for me, about you. You moved me, Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you.”

I expected Kurt to literally cry tears of joy, but going in for the makeout ain’t so bad either. I’m hoping sex will losen Kurt’s collar a tad and remind him to show us some genuine “glee” again. In other words, I expected this. What are the kids at World’s Only Coffee Shop gonna say when these two boys stride in holding hands? TIME WILL TELL!

I’m happy that by the end of this episode we saw Kurt expressing shards of GLEE, the feeling, and I hope to see more of how this relationship makes Kurt happy.

Over at the lockers of our Discontent and Thwarted Desires, Brittany cutely edges up to Santana’s locker: “Hey, can I ask you a question? We used to be really close, and I really miss being your friend.”

Santana’s got the ice wall up in full effect — the rigid jaw, the cold, menacing stare — “Still waiting for the question,” she retorts.

“Did I do something wrong?” Brittany asks, sad as a sad puppy.

“I don’t know, did you?” Santana turns and almost — almost betrays her steely exterior but she ultimately powers through that moment where she’s forced to nearly look Brittany in the eye and wants to die again and lands safely on the other side of it — where Santana’s feelings still belong to Santana and nothing hurts.

Santana continues — “All I know is you blew me off to be with Stubbles McCripplepants. But it’s your loss. Because now I get the chance to write a heterosexual song about Sam, that we’re going to sing at Regionals.”

G-d DAMN.

Nicely played. See ladies — watch and learn. This is how one maintains one’s cool trashwhore exterior. Firstly: never make yourself vulnerable. One must keep the upper hand, one must have complete control, one must relish in the power of being the one less in love. Failing all that, one must at least APPEAR to have the upper hand/control/be less in love.

Let’s diagram.

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1.

All I know is you blew me off…

Retrospectively downgrades the significance and importance of Brittany rejecting Santana’s desire to be with her despite the incredible stakes by referring to “breaking my heart” as “blowing me off.”

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2.

…to be with Stumbles McCripplepants…

Here she swiftly invalidates Artie’s adequacy as a partner and as a man. This is CLASSIC! It’s transparent but the beauty of these transparent low-blows is that they’re too low for anyone to call you out on being transparent because they’re still recovering from the fact that you actually said what you just said. Also serves to re-establish Santana as existing ABOVE Artie in the food chain of love despite being (as she sees it ) rejected for Artie.

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3.

It’s your loss.

Standard. We all say this, it’s like our last mad dash towards a strand of pride.

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4.

…’Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam…

This is a hit at Brittany for favoring her het relationship over lovegames with Santana. Santana is mocking Brittany’s participation in this farcical sexuality by rubbing its normativity in her face and sarcastically restating its inherent superiority.

Also an attempt to make Brittany jealous that Santana loves someone else, even though I mean, obviously she doesn’t, but she has to act like she does in order to be on top, like Tyra wants everyone to be. You gotta be on top. You know the song.

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5.

…that we’re going to sing at Regionals.”

And by the way we’re going to win it all in front of everybody and that could have been me and you up there in front of everybody singing “Like the Way I Do” but alas, you’ll have to watch me sing with Trouty lips!!

It’s shitty to have all your feelings out there like that, to put them out there and let someone else decide what to do with them. You’ve got to get that shit BACK. And that’s what Santana is doing. Here’s hoping that they’ll work their shit out in a month — in song! And also naked.

Brittany, who probably also doesn’t know what season it is, is like, “wait, you’re still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.” Brittany wants it back, that love, or maybe she wants Santana to admit she’s no more ready to leave Sam than Brittany is to leave Artie (which is untrue), or maybe she realizes being in love with each other and loving their boyfriends are mutually exclusive and she should leave Artie and his sweater vests behind in JC Penny and jet off into the future , which I imagine to be like Candyland, but rated NC-17 and with no boys.

Santana icily replies, lying clearly to save face: “I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. Look, can you stop staring at me? I can’t remember my locker combo.” That last part I think is because when someone stands that close to you, you can totally smell them and that makes you want to crawl inside them forever and ever.

Then Sue Sylvester arrives, calls them “Tweedle-dumb” and “Tweedle-fake-boobs,” says crazy things about them leaving Cheerios for Glee, and then as she departs, they open their lockers and piles of dirt pour out upon them, thanks Sue!

Brittany: “I don’t even remember putting that in there.”