Glee Episode 510 Recap: Trio Of Horror Tower Of Terror

Welcome to the tenth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a charming homespun comedy about a pair of genetically enhanced laboratory mice who reside in a cage in the Acme Labs research facility, where they perform elaborate tap-dancing numbers to the sound of iced tea being stirred, compare and contrast argyle sock collections, knead challah, write magnetic poetry, eat raw hair serum with fig compote and have very loud sex.

I will be skipping the adult parts in this recap because nobody’s got time for that and Sir William and Emma having sex is gross and I don’t want to talk about it. Luckily, nothing really matters, just like Queen said.

We open in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, where Blaine, Tina, and Sam are performing a sanitized version of “Jumpin’ Jumpin'”, apropos of nothing.

http://youtu.be/JPqPAWiG_QM

It’s an unambitious but watchable situation.

That’s right boys, I like my Junior Mints UNDER the tongue

Look Down Look Down You’re Standing In Your Grave

FUCK YEAH WE GO TO THE DENTIST REGULARLY!!!!!

Don’t tell Mama but I just queefed!

Please stop asking me if I’m gay please stop asking me if I’m gay please stop

At the song’s conclusion, Sir William declares that this jubilant club anthem isn’t a good choice for the National Gladiators Ultimate Supercontest Choirblast Final Extravaganza Celebration Competition. Fortunately, Sam/Tina/Blaine explain that they weren’t submitting this tune for consideration, they simply desired to perform together as a trio for their own selfish purposes.

See, what I’ve got on right now is what we in my part of town like to call a “plaid shirt.” Which brings me to my next announcement: I, Sam Evans, am a lesbian

Sir William reminds everybody that school’s ending soon and, depending on their relationship with Ryan Murphy, the children may or may not see each other’s ugly mugs again after graduation. Tina starts crying because time’s running out and she hasn’t had lesbian sex with Marley-Kate yet.

It’s just that her arms always smell like strawberries

We then secure a sponsorship with North Face, deck ourselves out in reflective thermodynamic gear, and ride an ice sculpture all the way to New York, New York, home of the worst dentist I’ve ever been to, where Rachel’s apparently moved in with Adam Lambert “indefinitely” despite the fact that on the salary of a Broadway star, she could actually afford to live in a g-dforsaken hotel if she wanted to. She’s also forced Adam Lambert to sleep on the couch because she is rude/traumatized.

No, it’s great, it’s just that at home I usually sleep on a bed of gold and feathers held aloft by a flock of silent flamingos surrounded by a high-tech white noise machine

Although one’s day off is generally best reserved for morning sex, pretending to exercise on the elliptical trainer at the gym even though you’re really just watching Judge Judy, standing in line at Duane Reade, jostling with the masses at Fairway, forgetting your account number at the bank and begging your doctor at the Ryan Clinic for more Xanax, Rachel’s not interested in maintaining her health and happiness on her day off, she’s interested in holding additional rehearsals with her own private band! Adam Lambert pops in to deliver her dry cleaning and Green Tea, because he is a Perfect Human.

Yup she just smacked her hands on my boobs, opened her mouth like a pouty guppy and started sucking on my clit like a Hoover

Girl we are getting closer but we are not that close yet

Rachel’s super-thrilled to have Adam Lambert in her lifescape.

Rachel: “I have a new best gay!”
Adam: “I kind of hate that term, it makes me feel like a pet.”
Rachel: “What do you mean? It’s so funny! You have done more for me in the last 24 hours than that traitor Kurt Hummel has since graduation. I was just gonna sing the entire Funny Girl score, do you wanna watch?”

This conversation sort of punched me in the face. Her dismissal of Adam’s discomfort with a term because she thinks it’s “funny” and her dismissal of everything Kurt’s ever done for her because of ONE disagreement about how one must conduct one’s professional career is disappointing and makes me want to cry and then smash a tomato in her face.

Wow, this is really taking me back to those 7th grade dances when I had to awkwardly dance with fag hags who had crushes on me

ANYHOW, Adam Lambert is like, yeah thanks but no thanks I’d rather not watch you sing Funny Girl 2-3 times, but I’d love to sing with you, ideally a nice rock ‘n roll song that’ll excite all the lesbians who have crushes on me. It’s unfortunate that my Guitar Hero PTSD interferes with me truly enjoying what is about to happen, because what’s about to happen is a smokin’ hot rendition of “Barracuda.”

http://youtu.be/3dRgWvPWPM0

We then teleport back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Buttonbush Wetland Preserve, where Blaine and Sam are trying on their graduation gowns for this new fetish thing they read about on datalounge.

Now take off your gown and let me snuggle you in mine

Tina pops in and begins crying again, lamenting that they never talk to Puck, Mike or Rachel anymore, and therefore they’ll probs never talk to each other again, either, because “the glue that holds high school friendships together is high school.”

I just saw the extended trailer for the Lindsay Lohan docuseries and I’m worried she’s not gonna get better

Sam promises Tina that he’ll send her a weekly Vine of him doing an impression if she agrees to Vine him a shot of her soaping up her boobs. Blaine says they need to “say goodbye to this place with some heroism and some drama” and therefore he will press Student Council to hold a Lock-in, because nothing’s more dramatic and heroic than a school-sponsored social event that takes place at school!

Okay have you thrown the Junior Mint yet. I’m still standing here. I’m waiting. Throw it already. My jaw hurts.

Although Student Council quickly signs off on the plan, Principal Sylvester vetoes it because Obamacare. This inspires Tina to hurl herself upon the surely diseased tile floor of this godforsaken schoolhouse and weep like she just got a pony for Hannukah and then it died.

Um, nobody tell that Tina girl that Jacob Ben-Israel threw up his patty melt in that exact spot like an hour ago

Sam, dressed like he’s on his way to pick up a nice friendly Bear at The Flame Bar’s happy hour, agrees with Blaine that the best solution to Tina’s desolation is to have their own private Trio Lock-in because whatever, and then Sam asks Tina if her boobs are getting bigger and she says that they are.

We then board a crowded United Airlines plane and drink so many miniature bottles of vodka that we take off all our clothes and pass out and the plane is forced to make an emergency landing in New York, New York, where Santana’s affixing a generous weave to her already luscious locks and Adam Lambert’s dropping by to pick up Rachel’s sheet music.

This would be a perfect place for another razor blade

Santana informs Adam Lambert that she’s planning to “psych out” Rachel by wearing sexy outfits and plastering the theatre walls with pictures of Rachel from when she was a “butterball” to remind her “once a fattie, always a fattie.” Adam Lambert keeps it real:

Adam Lambert: “Oh, girl, that is so high school.”
Santana: “Okay, life is very high school, just with bigger stakes, and if you knew Berry the way that all of us did, you would be applauding me. In the beginning, it’s all sunshine and giggles and stickers, and then the second that you want the same thing as her, a dark cloud comes over her whiskery little chin. And she will chew you up and spit you out like a Jewish Hillary Clinton.”

Har.

Am I getting a pimple here? Don’t lie to me.

When Adam Lambert informs her that he’s let Rachel into his hearth indefinitely, Santana is furious, and Adam Lambert is flawless:

Santana: “How could you do this to me! You are such a traitor!”
Adam Lambert: “Well, A: I hardly know you, so I’m not really being a traitor, and B: she needed a place to stay and I needed money.”

Santana says maybe Auntie Snicks could help him out with money. ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I’M THINKING?????

I’d buy one

We then put on our Straddle This boxer-briefs and our smoothest pleather jackets, drink a bunch of boxed wine, and race like Roadrunner all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Blaine and Sam have interrupted their superhero-saves-the-hapless-blonde role-play to meet up with their third wheel, Tina, at McKinley High After Dark.

Fuck. Wrong set.

Immediately, the children get to work ruining the most memorable song from my favorite movie of all time, The Breakfast Club. Seriously that’s my favorite movie of all time.  The song, my kittens, is “Don’t You Forget About Me,” and the performance is indeed unforgettable.

Are you ready dude? Do it just like they did it in Butt Buddies #45 okay?

DON’T COME IN MY EYE, BRO

really whose idea was this though

The Riese Bernard Story

There’s a part of every episode where I think to myself, with a sad facial expression, Oh my G-d I’m going to have to watch this AGAIN because part of recapping is watching the episode again. This song was that moment for this episode for me.

A Collection Of True Stories Culled From The Backpages of Seventeen Magazine

Because Adele Dazeem already adopted one baby and she’s not in the market for another

but why

Seriously I’m positive we were in here when my contact fell out so just keep looking

LET’S TRY ALL THE ROLEPLAYS!!!!

why though

These kids really are putting a lot of faith in Figgins’ janitorial skills

Witness the splendor with your own two eyes:

http://youtu.be/RsJHzFDQD4Q

Alas, mere moments into their triumphant last hurrah, who should show up but….

Glee Episode 507 Recap: Puppet Masterpiece Theater Should Girl It Up Maybe

Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the fifth season of Glee, a terrifying late-night television program about toilet plungers, Thumbelina, overpriced cocktails, strip poker sans poker and a fierce team of crime-fighting balloon animals with chapstick for brains and an irritating tendency to spontaneously break into song. This week’s episode took us beyond the candleabra into a majestical world of bubblegum and crack rock, investigating such pressing issues as wildlife preservation, heavy periods and underwater sex acts. Will our merry gang of warriors discover which artifact is turning innocent children into legless puppets? Let’s find out!

This week’s episode was penned by none other than our dear Matthew Hodgson, best known for the abysmal and offensive situation “I Kissed a Girl.” Matthew strikes me as the kind of guy who’d want me to bake him a pie but GOOD NEWS, Marni made a pie yesterday for Thanksgiving so I don’t even need to make another pie, I just have to recap this g-dforsaken show.

I feel like this recap isn’t very funny but I think that’s because everybody in this episode is cranky the whole time! I can’t be the only one who came here to party.

We open in the Glee Room where, free from the watchful eyes of the Very Shy Anonymous Backup Band, the children have sprung themselves upon wayward instruments. They’re plucking and clutching and pounding until interrupted by Blaine, who’s been sent to supervise Glee Club ’cause I lit William Schuster’s house on fire and watched it burn.

Hey! You! Junior Mint! Now!

Blaine immediately tops the entire class with his ideas about going acapella in Nationals (starring Blaine of course) and then the entire class power bottoms right back and protests his vision of a night sans guitars.

rock, paper, scissors, dildo

Tina calls Blaine “Blaine Jung-Il,” because of the famine and totalitarianism Blaine’s musical tastes will surely inspire. Then Blaine goes and sulks in a corner and Fake Quinn says he’s “man-strating.” Mhm.

We then seal our skulls in Outdoor Research Sun runner caps, stuff the meat and cheese of our fallible bodies into lumpy sky blue snowpants, snap our tiny feet into bedazzled snowshoes and cross-country ski all the way from Ohio, taking a brief detour through the fine slopes of New England, until at last arriving in New York, New York, where Kurt’s called an emergency meeting of The Gayest Band Ever.

okay honey if we can just power through the next ten minutes, everybody will leave for frozen yogurt and we’ll have the whole loft to ourselves to experiment with pony play

Kurt’s booked The Gayest Band Ever a gig at Broadway piano bar Callbacks, but his band members protest that debuting at Callbacks will be detrimental to their inevitable stardom. Glambert insists that he follows “lots of bands just starting out” and “it’s kinda all about the launch,” which is nonsense. All bands start out playing open mikes, Bar Mitzvahs, farmers markets, shitty dive bars and A-Camp. Nobody denies you a record deal ’cause you played your first gig at your Uncle’s 40th Birthday Party.

Nobody wants to hear a Mumford & Sons cover band, Kurt

But before I can dwell on Glee’s ten-thousandth inaccuracy, we segue into Kurt’s dream fantasy of the group’s debut, which involves Madonna, bright colors, lesbians, my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, and therefore basically everything good and holy in the world.

http://youtu.be/IMhAkJCvBPs

My gay boyfriend Adam Lambert is sexy, Santana is hot hot hot, and Dani is um… nowhere to be seen?

fuck a tiny bird just flew into my eyeball

fuck a tiny bird just crapped on my shoe!

Kurt’s wet dream is interrupted by a ring-a-ding-ding from his fiancee Blaine Warbler, who’s despondent that Glee Club finds him controlling when all he’s trying to do is control everything. Kurt tells him not to be a puppet master and also tells Blaine he’ll send him a JetBlue voucher so Blaine can catch Kurt’s debut at Callbacks. Does Kurt get tipped in JetBlue vouchers.

For the thousandth time Kurt I can’t tell you how many calories are in those cronuts unless you send me a photograph and provide some basic measurements, so stop freaking out and have a snack

Already transported to Lima via the power of The Telephone Split-Screen, we then gamely swing on down the hallowed hallways, where Sue’s harassing Figgins ’cause today is Evaluation Day, starring Ted Beneke as the guy in charge of whether or not Sue will get to be Forever Principal Sylvester.

Yup I jammed my index finger up Emma Pillsbury’s nubile asshole and we’ve been in a full-blown triad ever since

Following her inspirational speech about making McKinley NUMBER ONE, Ted Beneke asks Sue if she’d like to grab a beer sometime ’cause he needs more dude friends. The punchline here is that he thinks Sue is a man because um… she’s wearing pants? Perhaps he fell on his head recently.

The eggs are burning

Cut to Sue having an out-of-character feelings-fest with her Beckretary and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Sue you have to stop putting chicken bones in my cereal, it tastes weird and makes me feel weird about our relationship

Sue: “That Bob Harris thinks i could star in the sequel to Boys Don’t Cry honestly, it kind of bums me out.”

HAHAHAHA HATE CRIME MURDER RAPE HAHAHA SEQUEL HAHAHA

Becky suggests Sue wears a skirt, which segues into Sue segueing us into a flashback wherein a younger Sue Sylvester, clad in a sensible skirtsuit and rocking luscious locks of hair, is unable to demand respect from ’80s teenagers hooked on dope and Pac-Man.

Sue watch out there’s a wolf eating your foot

Intrepid Intern Grace made this graphic wherein she demonstrates Sue’s likeness to Bill Haverchuck from Freaks and Geeks dressing up as the Bionic Woman for Halloween:

I should watch that show some time, maybe instead of this one? Anyhow, Sue’s inability to create change to believe in while wearing a pink blazer inspired Sue to chop off her terrible wig, adopt tracksuits 4 lyfe, and charge through the hallway beating up children.

Goodbye Femme Invisibility, Helllo Tuna Town

Sue notes that “the moment I put that track suit on, the world bowed before me,” but Becky rebuts that it couldn’t hurt to “girl it up a bit.” If only “girl” was a word that invoked specific standards of appearance and clothing items! It isn’t, but nobody cares because Gender Trouble is really dense and hard to get through.

Back in Glee Club, Blaine’s sulking that nobody wants his fist up their butt and the Piano Guy’s sulking that he lost all his moolah playing online blackjack.

You think I can’t do spirit fingers, old man? I’ll show you spirit fingers!

Then Blaine recedes into a misty fog of himself, transitioning into a bizarro-world in which the entirety of Glee Club is represented by muppets, which is really how Glee should always be from now on. Look:

They launch joyously into “You’re My Best Friend,” a terrible song I totally hate.

who just poured Hi-C down my back?!!

We then snap back into real life, where apparently while we were treated to a muppets-enhanced zone-out, Blaine’s body remained in the Glee Room, silent and surly. Fake Quinn says she’ll call him a wahmbulance but nobody ever calls the wambulence when they say they will, you know?

Hell no dude we are NOT now and not EVER having a threesome with that mop-haired Ryder guy! It’s just me and you, like we promised!

Elsewhere in McKinley High, New Puck is teaching the Cheerios to dance but he thinks they all suck. Then he looks at a girl, and New Santana is like “are you fucking everybody now,” and he’s like “YUP” and she’s like, “ew.”

Just imagine that you’re having lesbian sex for the first time

Then Blaine thanks New Puck for standing up for him and warns him of a mystical artifact in the Glee Room causing normal humans to do strange things!

Seriously bro, at Costco they have sticks of butter this big!

Cut to Glee Club, where New Puck’s lost interest in coreographing the Gleeks ’cause they can’t booty pop.

Ugh it’s so awkward when Jake shows up to class in koolats

Marley’s like “you think you’re all that but you’re totally not,” and he’s like, um, yeah actually I totally am all that, just like the movie She’s All That, but instead it’s He’s All That, and I’m the star.

Then New Puck enters the Twilight Zone for a rousing rendition of the Janet Jackson classic Nasty/Rhythm Nation, and it’s actually really fucking cool and good and I’m not sure why New Santana has a new personality this episode but whatever I like her better than Marley-Paste that’s for sure.

For the last time, Sue-Bob and Mary-Jo, I am not a lesbian and your C-cups on my upper arms won’t change a thing

Just hold real still and I’ll get this lube off your shoulder

Girl, you have two seconds to get out of my way before I whip this Jansport right off my back and introduce it to your face

wait wait hang on i gotta get my phone out of my pocket

Wow, Gia is really sexy

Here, a video:

http://youtu.be/uCQlqM4lSBM

At the song’s end, New Puck wakes up from what was apparently a daze inspired by the yet-to-be snagged/tagged/bagged mysterious artifact causing musical blackouts and everybody hates him.

Cut to Art Class, where Blaine secures permission to make a Kurt puppet, probs for sexual purposes. Then he chats with said puppet throughout the hallways, which is supposed to be weird but is actually awesome.

Who wants to feed my puppet a junior mint?

Then Sue trips in a pair of heels because HAHAHA FEMINITIY HAHAHA WOMENSTUFF HAHAHA POWERFUL WOMAN IN LADY-SHOES HAHAHAH

Come on dude I know you’re not trying to sell me that little nugget for the price of a dime bag

An unexpected exception to the “a person slipping and falling is always funny” rule of comedy

Sue, disturbed by Blaine’s relationship with his new felt real doll, snatches it from his clammy clutches and leaves him empty-fisted and alone.

Now me and your little puppet friend are gonna take a little trip to the movies to see “Last Vegas” if you don’t mind kindly stepping out of my way

Glee Episode 504 Recap: Stop Trying To Make “A Gaga or A Katy?” Happen

Hello nubile maidens and allies! Welcome to the fourth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a reality show in which Paris Hilton searches for a new BFF in the wild jungles of Disneyland, accompanied by The Snow Queen, a talking lobster, ten baby chickens and a band of rowdy youths who can’t shut their yaps. This week’s episode was a particularly probing investigation into issues including global warming, anal fisting, regular fisting, fingering, drop-waist sweatpants, tiny erasers, nectarines, ear infections and Jessie Spano. Furthermore — much like my girlfriend, this episode was so gay you could see it from space!

hey brah is this the way to fire island

I imagine this episode was constructed in approximately two hours by a bunch of high-as-kites homosexual men who’d spent the day sipping cucumber martinis poolside at somebody’s undoubtedly palatial West Hollywood home. You know, the kind from the movies with big windows. Alternately, this episode was just a gay guy playing with his Barbies, the television equivalent of a Buzzfeed list, or a tribute concert to Autostraddle 2009.

This show has always been camp, but even camp can get banally tacky sometimes, and this episode definitely toed that line (which isn’t as exiting as toeing a vagina, I imagine). This week was my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert‘s debut on the program, which delighted the cockles of my surly soul, but despite Glambert’s cameo, the entire “Katy or Gaga?” premise of this episode was so fundamentally flawed and so clearly commercially motivated that it was hopeless from the start. But it wasn’t too bad, all in all.

Anyhow ARE YOU READY FOR SOME RECAP?

We open in the Glee room, where the children are sporting unfortunate blouses and Sir William arrives bearing an envelope containing the TOP-SECRET LIST of New Directions’ competitors at the upcoming National Worldwide All-Star Champion Celebration Campership Competition of Song. When Sir William announces that they’ll be going head-to-head with “Throat Explosion,” Tina unleashes a scream of horror and despair, which is hard to hear over my own scream of horror/despair that they’re calling this team “Throat Explosion.”

toss me some junior mints, bitches!!!!

“Their budgets for costume, makeup, hair alone are astronomical,” Blaine explains, expositing that this avant garde team of edgy supergroup outsider motherfuckers with apparent latex kinks has put in 10,000+ hours of showchoir rehearsal because of something Malcolm Gladwell said once.

hehehheheheh we just hacked the gleeonfox youtube channel to show nothing but sharmen fanvids all day xoxo anonymous throat explosion

This news strikes fear in everybody’s tenderheart, because how on earth will New Directions’ scrappy, dollar-store performances ever compete with Throat Explosion’s big-budget blockbuster productions?

just one little pinky in the butthole and you’ve got yourself a prostate orgasm. kurt loves it, trust me, fellas.

As we’ve been told-but-not-shown repeatedly, the New Directions are perpetually impoverished, and thus my imagination runs wild thinking of what Throat Explosion might be able to accomplish with an actual budget. I mean, they could install rain machines in their auditorium and also Gwyneth Paltrow!

just like splash mountain, only gayer

They could snag a $3,000 light screen for just one little run-through of Nowadays / Hot Honey Rag!

Secret Platinum Protection, ladies and gentlemen!

They could hire circus performers and pyrotechnics professionals and shoot tender young Cheerleaders out of giant cannons and manufacture bras with fire-shooting nipples!

Cirque D’SoGay

They could perform an entire song in a goddamn swimming pool with a magical catwalk!

and we double-fist our girlfriends!!

They could re-create the $7 million dollar Michael Jackson/Janet Jackson music video for “Scream”!

They could create Lady Gaga costumes inspired by the bajillion-dollar high-fashion costumes often sported by Lady Gaga!

just think about how many plush toys they had to buy for this

They could purchase a $45,000 SUV just to destroy it onstage, because it goes with the theme!

which one of you bitches is gonna wash my car already seriously

WHAT ON EARTH WILL THESE CHILDREN DO? Sell taffy? Sell their souls? Throw rock salt into the eyeballs of the lead singer of Throat Explosion? Well, Tina’s already on high panic alert.

Tina: “They’re total outsiders and misfits, which used to be our niche. We can’t compete with Throat Explosion any more at that level because we lost our biggest Gaga when Kurt graduated last year. Look around, we’re a room full of like, Katy Perrys now.”

It’s true, now that Santana and Brit-Brit have flown the coop, we’re stuck with a bunch of ladies for whom kissing a girl is only a thing they do if their boyfriend don’t mind it.

and – and! – even after the government shutdown, the GOP is still trying to find new ways to usurp obamacare?

Sir William disagrees with Tina’s assessment — he considers the children a “potent mix” of “ambi-edge” weirdos and “wholesome, innocent, romantic, All-Americans,” which I gather is supposed to be a description of Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, respectively, but unfortunately is not, because Katy Perry is a sex riot and Lady Gaga is more deliberate these days than she seems. Katy just wears brighter colors.

NOPE

SO, ANYHOW, WHAT WILL THEY DO TO FACE OFF AGAINST THE SUPER-RICH THROAT EXPLOSION? Ah yes, they’ll attempt to re-create songs performed by super-rich recording artists who always put on super-expensive performances!

Sir William: “This week the Katys will get their Gaga on and the Gagas will bring the Katy.”

If the children are unable to get on board with this week’s contrivance, they don’t have “a chance in hell” of winning Nationals.

who wants to demonstrate how to fist the statue of liberty

We then wrap ourselves in duct tape, dip our heads in buckets of Fun Dip, put on some sneakers and jog all the way to New York, New York, where Rachel is inexplicably still employed at Fake Eileen’s Stardust Diner, despite the fact that she’d be pulling in at least $2,500 a week (before taxes) while in rehearsals for Funny Girl, which, by the way, would gobble up so much of her time that it’s amazing she’s even making it to school. Also, Kurt’s starting a band and wants everybody to join it!

who me? why yes i’d love to shoot fire from my nipples in your band!

Luckily we’re able to snag a last-minute flight on the Glee Teleporter all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home to the Learning to Care With Care School, where Sam and Nurse Petty are continuing their tedious and irrelevant romance.

you know brittany really liked it when i sorta cupped her boobs from the underside and jiggled them around like this

They banter about musical darksides and tattoos and electopunk and THANK LESBIAN JESUS also True Jackson VP but also I don’t care, so.

Elsewhere in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Artie’s bitching about the assignment because it means he won’t be able to duet with his lady-love Fake Quinn, who says of this week’s lesson, “I’m pretty sure he makes up these rando lessons the split second before he writes them on the board.”

fuck i wish that yellow hat had come in yesterday so he could be dressed in full “The Man in the Yellow hat” regalia right now, i love me some curious george roleplay

With a heavy hand, Artie asks, “are you still okay with dating someone so different than you?” and Fake Quinn sticks her tongue down his throat, which is Cheerio for “yes.”

We then hop back in time, borrow some mopeds from three 13-year-old boys I knew in middle school, hop back to the present tense, put on our bicycle helmets and night-vision goggles, and travel back to New York, New York, where Santana, Kurt and Dani are holding auditions for their “indie rock band,” The Gayest Band Ever.

i’m sorry but in what universe is this a large enough size for a meatball hoagie?

Unfortunately for those of us who enjoy a good audition montage, nobody’s leaping at the chance to audition for the esteemed spot of Vocalist #4 in what I hope is an a capella “indie rock band” because the only instrument I’ve ever seen Santana play is Brit-Brit’s clitoral hood and Kurt’s usually to busy gyrating to manhandle a glockenspiel. Furthermore, they’re unable to settle on a name — Santana votes for the Apocalipsticks, Kurt votes for waiting for him to manifest an idea, and I vote for Uh Huh Her & Her & Him.

nbd just holding out for a hero

Yet all hope is not lost! There is one person signed up to audition for The Gayest Band Ever, one lonely human named “Starchild” out there in the wilds ready to take a chance on a half-baked idea! But who is this Starchild? Will it be Alex Owens, as played by Jennifer Beals in the legendary film Flashdance?

i will kill you with my thighs!

Will it be this girl?

i’m jumping for jesus!

Will it be Crazy Eyes?

take these pebbles from my hand, grasshopper. sooner rather than later this is a hard position to maintain

Will it be Missy Pantone?

yes, i will fuck you gently with a chainsaw, thanks for asking

Will it be Anna Kendrick and a cup?

1 girl 1 cup

Will it be this guy?

yes, i am one of the ten lords-a-leaping

Nope, it will be none other than my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, who calls himself “Starchild” because Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars or something.

hello children, i’m here to rock your world

If you’re new to the site, you might be unaware that for most of 2009, all we wrote about was Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert. It was a special time, and our entertainment coverage was primarily determined by what Alex could watch on television without needing a nap.

Adam Lambert: I did design and sew this costume myself.
Kurt: It’s a little Project Runway. Season Six.

Basically he’s the Glitterbombed Monopoly Guy, but he kills it while Dani sexily plays her instrument in the background with mysterious band members nobody talks to. There’s also a moment where Dani looks at Santana like oh my g-d he’s so fucking good isn’t he and it’s so hot, as is this entire performance, especially how excited Santana is to have that talent on her team.

http://youtu.be/YaJ3FLqCEQk

Santana and Dani are into it, but Kurt’s not so sure / is obviously jealous.

you, my friend, are the only reason i’m not a full-time misandrist

Kurt: “Your aesthetic is striking, Starchild. But it’s a little outre for the team that I’m assembling. But if you’re willing to tone down your look, maybe I’d reconsider.”

Kurt is officially meaner than Simon Cowell.

2013 GLAAD Awards San Francisco: Our Starry Starry Night With Adam Lambert, Brittney Griner and Ketel One

Last night, May 11th, was the final GLAAD Awards event of the season, held here in my homeland of San Francisco. Autostraddle co-founder Alex Vega and her girlfriend Mary (Miss August 2013) made the trip up north from Los Angeles to join my girlfriend Marni and I at the ceremony. The primary motivation for this migration was that Alex and I have been completely totally obsessed with Adam Lambert for four years and Adam Lambert was to receive the Davidson/Valentini Award this fine evening.

Also, the award for “Outstanding Blog” would be announced in San Francisco, and because our blog is pretty fucking Outstanding, really one of the most Outstanding things in the entire world, we figured we should be on hand to relish in our own glory. (Spoiler Alert: We lost!)

After a delightful journey on the Bay Area Rapid Transit situation, we arrived at the Hilton, ready to become best friends forever with Adam Lambert.

Riese & Alex at Press Check-In

Our first stop was the magical vodka fountain, sponsored by Ketel One.

After a few complimentary beverages, we were all feeling pretty excited about being against defamation.

i spy the ghost of anita bryant crying softly in the corner

Mary, Alex, Marni and Mary full of glowing redness

GROUP SELFIE

Armed with our camera and dictaphone, we set up camp. This red carpet was much smaller than what we’ve experienced in Los Angeles and New York, which was pretty great because we got to talk to a lot of people.

marni marks the spot

We asked everybody we could talk to on the red carpet the same question:

Who was the first LGBT character you ever saw on television or in the movies?

Kris Perry and Sandra Stier, Prop 8 Plantiffs

“I can’t help but remember Ellen and I know that that wasn’t the first time but it was the most memorable time. I know there were smaller characters before that, but I’m not able to drum up what that was.”

“Ellen was my first thought too, but then I thought Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. But Ellen, I love the show and it was a great time in our lives to have Ellen come out publicly. I loved it, I loved her story.”

Wilson Cruz, Actor

“It was Harvey Fierstein in Torch Song Trilogy and my first memory of it was his monologue that he says to his mother about how he became so completely independent because what he feared his mother’s response would be to his homosexuality and that he taught himself everything he would possibly need to know so in case she abandoned him, he would be okay. And I cried and wept because I feel like we all do that in a lot of ways. We prepare ourselves for the worst and it’s why we are so fabulous. We don’t need you!“

Jessica Clark, Actress

“The very first one I ever watched was Desert Hearts like way back in the day and I was like totally into the stone butch, I mean that was like – OH! That works! Okay! — so that was the very first like “being aware” lesbian character in a film that I ever saw and I still love it to this day. I have that nostalgic thing for it. It didn’t necessarily progress or show as much as we’re used to seeing today, but in my young pre-pubescent baby lesbian days, it was something.”

Adam Lambert, Musician

“The first one that I really remember, funnily enough, was [Enrique Vasquez, played by] Wilson Cruz in My So-Called Life, he was one of the first teenage gay characters on television, I remember being like OH! That’s me, I think, in a couple years. I was a little younger… that and like, Will and Grace, how that entered and loosened up the whole conversation.”

When we first spotted Adam Lambert, Alex told him that our meet was “a long time coming” and I told him that we are “the core of [his] lesbian fan base.” He reacted enthusiastically, which means he’s probably a lesbian. Adam was super friendly and handsome and he made lots of eye contact.

Brittney Griner, Top WNBA Draft Pick

“I would have to say it was sports, when Sheryl Swoopes came out, it was big. She’s a big role model for me I got to talk to her a little bit at rookie orientation, and I loved it. Kid in a candy store, I wanted to hear everything she had to say, it was really cool.”

I wanted to ask her if we could compare finger lengths but instead I just took this crazy picture:

Jennifer Biesty, Top Chef

“I wanna say Jodie Foster but she wasn’t out… ummm… Mariel Hemmingway [on Roseanne]! Desert Hearts, too.”

Mel B, Scary Spice

“The one that sticks in my brain is Ellen DeGeneres. She’s the one who really paved the way for everything, I think. I watch her show and I’ve been on her show many times, she’s likeable she’ funny, she appeals to straight white, black and I like that she’s managed to cross over like that and be accepted.”

mary is really excited about mel b

We wanted to ask Mel B what she wanted, what she really really wanted, and also to ask her advice on what we should do w/r/t her friends if we wanna be her lover, but unfortunately it didn’t come up and anyhow she’s already Alex’s lover:

Look, here are pictures of people we took pictures of but didn’t talk to:

And here is the complete list of people who won awards last night:

• Golden Gate Award:  Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom
• Davidson/Valentini Award:  Adam Lambert
• Corporate Leader Award:  San Francisco Giants
• Outstanding Film – Limited Release:  Any Day Now (Music Box Films)
• Outstanding Comic Book:  Kevin Keller (Archie Comics)
• Outstanding Digital Journalism Article:  “Why Aren’t We Fighting for CeCe McDonald?” by Marc Lamont Hill (Ebony.com)
• Outstanding Music Artist:  TIE: Adam Lambert, Trespassing (19 Recordings, RCA Records) and Frank Ocean, Channel Orange(Def Jam)
• Outstanding Digital Journalism – Multimedia:  “Edie Takes on DOMA” In the Life (ITLMedia.org)
• Outstanding Blog:  Rod 2.0

Spanish Language

• Outstanding TV Journalism Segment:  “En el cuerpo equivocado” Noticias 19 (KUVS TV-19 [Sacramento, Calif.])

Ceremony highlights included mashed sweet potatoes, additional vodka cocktails, and Dr. Kortney Ryan Ziegler and Laverne Cox presenting Marc Lamont Hill with the Outstanding Digital Journalism Award for “Why Aren’t We Fighting for CeCe McDonald?”.

via glaad

Actresses Teri Polo and Sherri Saum, stars of The Fosters, also presented an award and looked very pretty:

(Photo by John Medina/WireImage)

As you’ve probs gathered, our blog’s Outstandingness was not Outstandingly Honored last night, which was difficult for me because my sportsmanship/maturity level floats comfortably at a 12-year-old-boy level. BUT Rod 2.0 was nominated two times before he won, which means we’ve probs got 2015 IN THE BAG. It was, of course, an honor to be nominated along with blac[k]ademic, Rod 2.0, The New Civil Rights Movement and Towleroad, and we congratulate Rod 2.0 on his well-deserved accomplishment!

we are the semi-champions, my friends

In conclusion, we had a fantastic evening at the GLAAD Awards. The Glaad people were super-nice and even managed to get show/dinner tickets for our girlfriends, we met Adam Lambert and Brittney Griner, and I spilled my first drink of the evening despite it being my first drink of the evening. Party on!

[You can see photographs and videos from the ceremony on GLAAD’S website. My memory of the evening from that point forward is a bit fuzzy because vodka.]

Playlist: Feeling Like a Champion

In honor of our three Weblog Awards, I’ve crafted a playlist that should make you feel like a champ because you are one. Clearly we should milk this (or Silk this for you lactose intolerant folks) for probably a whole year but at the very least, three days. Some of these songs are best enjoyed as a group–with your team if you will. Others are songs that make you feel like an astronaut on your way to the top in a tricked out Subaru and a passenger seat full of snacks. Others are songs that you are so about, everyone around you has no choice but to leap into them full-heartedly.

If you come out on the other side of this playlist without dead lifting all the sadness in your life out the window and then walking up to someone with the sole intention of pointing at them as you say, “Hey, I’m a fucking champion,” then my bad but I really see that as the only possible scenario. We’re all on our way. Together.

Whoa Now – B Rich
One Jump Ahead – Brad Kane
Make Me Proud – Drake feat. Nicki Minaj
Lift Off – Jay-Z and Kanye West feat. Beyonce
Life of the Party – Little Brother feat. Carlitta Durand
I’m the Best – Nicki Minaj
Champions – Dream Team
Life is Now – If the Kids
We Run This – Missy Elliot
Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop – Young Gunz
Ruff Ryders’ Anthem – DMX
Get It – T.I.
Percolator – Cajmere
Sure Fire Winners – Adam Lambert
Sirius – The Alan Parsons Project

STREAM THE PLAYLIST HERE

Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit Crystal up on Formspring and someone on the team will make it for you.

Adam Lambert Trespasses, Glee Casts, Sara and Cat React and Erin Daniels Stars

ADAM LAMBERT:

The Trespassing album cover has been revealed along with Adam’s announcement that “in addition to serving as Executive Producer of Trespassing, I’m also Creative Director.”

He describes the evolution from For Your Entertainment to Trespassing:

“The last album — I’m very proud of it. It was a very theatrical album. It was really over the top and it was kind of a spectacle — like an audio spectacle. And it was very stylized and kind of campy. It was kind of a caricature of this rock star that I always wanted to be. You know, lots of glitter and feathers and makeup and I had a great time with that. And I think I kind of got a lot of that out of my system in a way and now I’m able to make music that is for my fans that I’ve gotten to know over the last year. I know who I am now more, so I think, as an artist, I’ve evolved and as a person I’ve evolved and I think the music will open that door wide open for people.

[The new album] is kind of like a pass for a listener to trespass in my life, into my reality. I wrote songs on the album that are really fun and crazy and party songs, and then I wrote songs on the album that are dark and deal with anxiety and stress and low self-esteem and acceptance. There’s two halves of the album and hopefully the listener will get a better idea of who I am — who I really, really am.”

He also spoke to Ellen about his drunken brawl with his boyfriend in Finland:

GLEE / A NORMAL HEART:

Well isn’t this exciting! Matt Bomer (White Collar) has been cast as Blaine‘s brother on Glee! Matt is pretty much totally out (he is married and has three children with his partner Simon Halls) and will sing and dance as Blaine’s hot older brother. The question really is whether Matt will wear a bow tie in every scene as well.

Ryan Murphy appears to be a fan of Mr. Bomer as he has just cast him in his film adaptation of the Broadway play A Normal Heart, about the rise of HIV/AIDS in New York’s gay community in the 1980s. The cast includes Matt as Mark Ruffalo‘s fashion stylist boyfriend, Julia Roberts as wheel chair bound doctor Emma Brookner, Alec Baldwin as a lawyer who struggling to accept his sexuality, and Jim Parsons as a Southern gay activist.

INGRID MICHAELSON:

Her fourth album, Human Again, was released this week and she’s currently touring the US in support. She talks to Billboard about striving for a more mature take on her sound rather than commercial ready pop songs (like her Old Navy commercial):

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CYNTHIA NIXON / THE TALK:

Cynthia Nixon‘s words continue to haunt her with celesbians Sara Gilbert and Cat Cora chiming in on the whole “for me being gay is a choice” thing. PS: she actually did attempt to clarify her words in an interview with The Daily Beast:

“I think for gay people who feel 100 percent gay, it doesn’t make any sense. And for straight people who feel 100 percent straight, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t pull out the “bisexual” word because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals.”

Sara and Cat react to her statement on The Talk:

NEW GAY DRAMA SERIES FROM L WORD PRODUCER:

A new drama series titled Downtown Los Angeles (DTLA) will begin airing on Canada’s OUTtv beginning late Spring and follows a group of friends in Downtown Los Angeles as they deal with the breakup of boyfriends Lenny (Darryl Stephens) and Bryan (Matthew Stephen Herrick). The show promises Showtime-esque sex and nudity co-stars our very own Erin Daniels, Danny Roberts (The Real World: New Orleans), Leslie Jordan (Will & Grace) and a guest appearance by freakin’ Julie Goldman. Interestingly, the show is mostly improvised, based on stories from the creators’ (L Word executive producer Larry Kennar) lives.

Desperately Important News Regarding Rosie, RuPaul, Adam Lambert, Rachel Berry and NPH

ROSIE:

Anyone else watching The Rosie Show nightly as I am? The show continues to find its legs (she randomly changed the entire set this week) but it’s always entertaining and definitely brings me back to my high school days when I used to come home to the original syndicated Rosie show after school.

One of my favorite bits on the show featured a young boy named Ben, a budding fashion designer at the ripe age of…11 years old! He talks about his admiration for RuPaul, his love of design and how it feels to get bullied at school for being different.

Rosie also appeared on Piers Morgan last night and spoke eloquently about the three great loves in her life: Kelli, her current girlfriend Michelle and a woman she dated early on: “You have one relationship in your life that’s kind of crazy and out of control a little bit and that usually doesn’t last very long but takes you into the deep water.”

She also went into more detail than I can ever remember hearing about her experience dating (and living with) a man named Mike in her twenties: “There was something really glorious about being in a relationship at the supermarket with your partner, getting stuff for the football game on Sunday and having the cashier say, ‘How long have you guys been dating?’ When you’re there with a woman, with your same sex partner, no one asks.”

ADAM LAMBERT:

Adam performed the TV debut of Trespassing‘s (out March 20) first single “Better Than I Know Myself” on The Tonight Show last night sans the usual eye make-up.  Heads up: set your DVR for Ellen on Thursday!

RUPAUL:

In a new interview with the Huffington Post, RuPaul pretty much tells politically correct America to get over itself:

On Lance Bass’s apology for using the word “tranny”:

“…His intent would never be to be derogatory. Never. So, you know, that’s really ridiculous. And I hate the fact that he’s apologized. I wish he would have said, “F-you, you tranny jerk!”

And he unsurprisingly had no problem with Work It:

You know, I gotta tell you, my 10th grade teacher, Mr. Penell, told me, he said, “Ru” — my real name — “Don’t take life so seriously.” I didn’t get it then at 15 years old, but trust me, as the years went on I got it. We live in a culture where everyone is offended by everything. Everybody’s like, “Oh my god, I’m offended!” It’s an ego-based culture we live in. The ego has everything to do with identity. So, you know, drag actually mocks identity. So it doesn’t really make any sense. I think, in my world, in my circle of friends, we mock everything! [laughter]. Everything is up to be mocked. Don’t take anything seriously.

And listen, if you’re offended by a name that somebody calls you, or something, whatever, you gotta take that up with your therapist, kiddo, cause you know what, you’re not going to be able — now you got me riled up! You know, I live in the West Village, and everybody wants to make the world baby-safe, soften the corners, so that nobody gets hurt. It’s like, kiddo, this world, there will be blood — there will be blood — so you better toughen up now or you’re going to suffer the consequences later.

GLEE:

Rachel Berry’s two gay dads have finally been cast and will make their debut on the Valentine’s Day episode (airing February 14). Jeff Goldblum and Broadway vet Brian Stokes Mitchell will share the honors of being Papa Berry.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS:

NPH and partner David Burtka are featured in a lengthy article and romantic photo spread in Out Magazine’s “Love” issue.

LISTEN: Adam Lambert’s New Single “Better Than I Know Myself” Premieres

Wax and polish your ears for your virgin listen to the first single off our boyfriend’s new album, Trespassing, “Better Than I Know Myself.”

Trespassing is already looking to be a huge commercial success as it is currently climbing Amazon’s Movers and Shakers list after just one day of pre-order availability. The album will be released on March 20, 2012.

Adam says the new album represents “an exciting journey through the past two years of my life. It’s been a transformative period and I really wanted to make music from what I’ve experienced. All these songs honestly explore the ups and downs of my reality.”

Confirmed writers/producers on the album include Pharrell Williams, Dr. Luke, Claude Kelly, Bonnie McKee, Sam Sparro, Bruno Mars, Nikka Costa and possibly our very own Camila Grey. Riese has already predicted that this album will be awesome, because she has psychic powers.

Don’t forget to re-live the gorgeousness of “Outlaws of Love” after listening!

Lyrics:

Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That’s how I treated you
And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that’s the truth

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say

[chorus]
Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,
But you’re the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself

All along
I tried to pretend it didn’t matter
If I was alone
But deep down I know
If you were gone
For even a day I wouldn’t know which way to turn
Cause I’m lost without you.

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say

[chorus]

I get kind of dark
Let it go too far
I can be obnoxious at times
But try and see my heart
Cause I need you need now
So don’t let me down
You’re the only thing in this world I would die without

Amy Winehouse’s Final Album Hits The Internets (Plus Gaga, Glambert, Shane)

AMY WINEHOUSE:

Well, her one and (presumably) only posthoumous album, Lioness: Hidden Treasures, has officially leaked on YouTube a few days ahead of it’s release next week. The 12-track collection features previously unreleased tracks, alternate versions of existing classics as well as a couple of brand new songs she was working on at the time of her death.

The full track listing is as follows:

GAGA:

Gaga is in full promo mode for “Marry the Night” these days, leading up the video premiere tonight on E!. She performed the fully produced dance version on the Grammy Nominations special last night…

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Czk204rQ6c’]

…as well as a sublime acoustic version on some homosexual talk show program I am not familiar with but enjoyed nonetheless.

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Emrc5M_I34c&hd=1′]

PS: She received three nominations including Album of the Year, Best Pop Solo Performance and Best Pop Vocal Album. Clearly Adele is winning everything (as she should).

ADAM LAMBERT:

Glambert has christened his upcoming musical masterpiece “Trespassing” and provided these new quotations to Rolling Stone regarding it’s sound and scope:

“At first I was trying to figure out how to please my fans – but then I started trusting my instincts. It’s the same as what I learned on Idol. You have to fight for this shit. There’s party music, sex music, fucked-up-relationship S&M music….But every song explores something real.”

SHANE:

Kate Moennig has a lengthy new interview with focusonfilm.com, providing some new insights on loving Jersey Shore, wearing men’s clothes and why she wants to remove half her tattoos.

On The Real L Word:

“I think its smart. I mean she (Ilene Chaiken) created a brand from that show and she ran with it. I don’t feel like I have anything to do with it. It’s separate entities. The title is what it is. It’s entirely different. I don’t put them together, and I haven’t seen the reality show so I can’t comment on it. And again, it has nothing to do with me, not in a good way or bad way.”

On Jersey Shore:

“Hell yeah, I mean I grew up with girls like that. People say how can I? But I get their culture. I get it. I’m not a part of it, but I know it like the back of my hand. I grew up in the Jersey Shore, not with them, but people like them. I knew Paulies, Snookies and J-Wows. J-Wow was the tough girl in school. She was really smart with an acidic tongue and the perfect remark to shut someone up in that moment, that nobody fucks with and that’s why I love it.”

On girls rocking the Shane haircut today:

“What people don’t realize is that there’s an amalgamation of four bad haircuts that were growing out into one over a couple of years.”

On Boys Don’t Cry:

“On I went in prior to getting the Young Americans role, and it was great. I was really flattered and happy about how far I got. I didn’t have an agent and a friend in the film recommended me to the director. I went in a few times. I’m happy for the way the movie came out though. It was my first audition.“

THE TALK:

Darlene actually addressed the lezzie paparazzi shot heard round the Lesbian Internet! Also, Howard Stern mentioned Sara Gilbert would be on his show next week, so that should be pretty terrible/awesome for everyone involved.

GLEE:

Gloria Estefan will likely play Santana’s mother. Other stunt casting includes Ricky Martin who will play a McKinley High Spanish teacher in an upcoming January episode. I wish the grown ups on Glee didn’t bore the shit out of me (except Gwyneth, ILY).

Adam Lambert Kills It With Queen at VMAs, Fun Home To Be a Musical

ADAM LAMBERT:

Adam Lambert was unfortunately missing in action at our own VMAs in LA this year but he somehow showed up at the MTV European VMAs in Belfast, Ireland of all places. Get ready for eight minutes of Adam in black leather as he joins Queen on stage for a medley of the classics, “Show Must Go On,” “We Will Rock You,” and “We Are the Champions.”

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-XlIRaBH6c’]

You might also remember our young, make-up free Glambert auditioning for Idol with the Queen classic “Bohemian Rhapsody”:

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5-pXsAQLq4′]

Finally, an update via Twitter regarding the delay of the first single off his upcoming musical masterpiece:

RICKY MARTIN:

What a long way we have come from some serious sexuality denial to now being granted Spanish citizenship so he can take advantage of their gay marriage law and marry his boyfriend! Ricky is currently raising his twin three-year-old sons with his partner Carlos Gonzalez Abella. He spoke about the possibility of getting married when he appeared on Larry King last year:

“Yes, we could go to Spain and get married. We can go to Argentina and get married. But why do we have to go somewhere else? Why can’t I do it in my country where the laws are – you know, protecting me? I can go to Spain. I have many friends in Spain. And get married. And make it very beautiful and symbolic. But… I [can’t] do it in the backyard of my house. I want to have that option. I don’t want to be a second class citizen anymore. I pay my taxes. Why can’t I have that right?”

QUEEN LATIFAH:

Add one more homo to the list of daytime talk show hosts. She is partnering with Will Smith’s Overbrook Entertainment to create her own syndicated talk show, but she’ll sit out the current round of competitive development with the hopes of launching in fall 2013.

FUN HOME:

Lisa Kron and composer Jeanine Tesori are adapting Dykes to Watch Out For creator/cartoonistAlison Bechdel’s phenomenal graphic novel Fun Home (coincidentally chosen as Autostraddle’s Book Club #4!) to a stage musical via the Sundance Institute Theater Program! As a taste for what you’re in for, I’ll leave you with an excerpt from the original source material which focuses on Alison’s relationship with her father and coming to terms with the fact that she’s gay:

“My father and I grew up in the same small Pennsylvania town and he was gay and I was gay and he killed himself and I became a lesbian cartoonist.”

IF GOD WAS A HOT GIRL DJ:

Check out this list of 10 female DJs you should know!

“A Day in Gay America” Features Lesbians on Motorcycles, Adam Lambert

Last week, The Advocate invited readers to take part in their annual “Day In Gay America” series, featuring real live homosexuals going about their day and providing photographic evidence.

As part of the project, The Advocate followed Adam Lambert as he prepared for his cover shoot and interview, documenting mundane yet somehow interesting adventures such as pumping gas and downing a wheatgrass shot.

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photo by eric shwabel for the advocate

In the studio recording his next musical masterpiece

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Behind the Scenes of The Advocate photo shoot

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photo by eric shwabel for the advocate

Interviewing with Advocate Editor in Chief

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photo by eric shwabel for the advocate

Downing a wheatgrass shot at Real Raw Live juice bar

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Getting ready for his Advocate closeup

Check out highlights from the rest of the series. Gays, they’re just like us!

Corona, Calif.(left) Lee Loyola and wife Ko on a surprise zip-lining date. “She never experienced this before, so I thought this would be a great date!” Loyola says.

Raleigh, N.C. (right) Kathy Bundy and Jill Kidd have hot dogs for lunch with Kathy’s mother, Nancy Bundy, at her senior living community. The lunch is for a fund-raising event for Alzheimer’s disease.

Kenosha, Wis.(left) Stephanie Schroeder (front, right) and three former classmates from Mary D. Bradford High School, class of 1981, dine with their girlfriends at local eatery, Mangia, for a “lezzie power lunch.”

Fresno, Calif. (right) Volunteer Jaymi Morgan sorts DVDs donated for the Fresno LGBT Community Center’s media lending library. The conservative city had been without an LGBT center for decades until the new center opened in January 2011.

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Carrboro, N.C. (left) Biological Sales specialist Lauren with daughter Ariel and Lauren’s partner, Angela, getting ready for a ride.

New York City (right) Canadians Ian Mahaffy and Peter Locker wed in Central Park surrounded by happy onlookers. “When the minister announced we were husbands, the entire park exploded with applause,” they said.

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Cleveland Laurie (left) and Betsy Campbell with Henry, 5, and twins Hannah and Finn at a friend’s housewarming party. Says Laurie: “This picture­—the laughter, the silliness, and the spontaneity—is a true representation of our beautiful gay family.”

Missoula, Mont. (right) Misty Gaubatz and her partner, Kamal Fox, say “good morning” to their hen, Nancy, who showed up in their backyard this spring.

No One Taught Adam Lambert “How to Be a Gay Celebrity,” But He’s a Quick Study

photo by eric shwabel for the advocate

Our gay boyfriend Adam Lambert is featured in The Advocate this week, where he’s asked many brand-new, never-before-heard questions like “what was up with that kiss at the American Music Awards?” (which I believed I crowned ‘The Best Gay Happening of 2009’ in some interview somewhere):

“I kind of asked for it in a way… not everything is so premeditated as people think it is. There are things that just happen, there are things you just do. It was an impulse… [it was] a bit reactionary on my part. I think I was a little overwhelmed with everything. It was me reacting a little bit to that ‘you’re not gay enough’ thing. At that moment for whatever reason I was like, Well, is this gay enough? It was me being a little bit pissed off!”

It’s really funny, the impulsive decisions we make in our lives without so much as a second of premeditation that we then spend the rest of our lives retrospectively examining and psychoanalyzing, trying to fit it into some kind of broader narrative that explains how we got here from where we used to be. In any event, he kept on kissing boys in his show.

As I wrote last November, I think Adam’s next album, which he discusses at length with The Advocate, will be the one that even hipsters will be forced to like because it’s just gonna be that good.

Adam describes it as “a more personal album, driven by vocal singer-songwriter tracks, electrofunk, and synth-pop in a Nine Inch Nails meets George Michael sort of way.”

Nine Inch Nails was what I cried/wrote/angsted to in the early 90s and George Michael is what I danced to in the early 90s, so basically it’s a gay baby and their Mom is the 90s and she has a lot of feelings and a very “of the now” haircut.

Adam says:

“No matter what the genre is, it’s all very personal, even on upbeat, fun tracks. The last album was a little bit more of a fantasy escape…even my image for that last album felt very theatrical and kind of over-the-top and intentionally tacky. I get a kick out of making artistic statements that are kind of ridiculous.

I think it’s going to let people underneath my facade a little bit — a self-created and totally admitted facade. I’m trying to convey to my audience that you really can’t judge a book by its cover, and there’s more to the universe than you can see with your eyes. It’s like existential pop.”

Described by The Hollywood Reporter as “among the most anticipated releases of 2012,” the album has been repeatedly delayed due to Adam’s perfectionist nature and other things related to the ever-unfolding “creative process.” It’s now slated for release “sometime in the first quarter of 2012.”

The Advocate also had questions regarding Lambert’s position within the industry as an out gay musician. Although two years ago Lambert seemed reluctant to identify as a “gay artist” — understandable, really, as he was essentially the first mainstream male pop star to be out from Day One and that’s a scary territory to navigate —  today his beliefs about gay rights and support of LGBT kids overshadow any image-management concerns:

“How many ways can I spell G-A-Y? Everybody knows I’m gay. And the thing that’s hard is, where’s there balance for me? I’m a musician and I’m writing music. I’m also becoming more involved sociopolitically, I’m getting involved with the Trevor Project and Equality California — these are things that I really do care about. But I do want to maintain a balance. What am I going to be known for in 15 years? I want to be known for my music, that’s my art. That’s what I’m contributing actively. I think visibility is a great tool, and that’s one other reason that I’ve been so verbal about it, but the irony is that here we are, talking about it.”

In mainstream culture, Lambert has found that his sexuality seems to be the primary focus of the conversation about his work, which is new for a guy who’d never been “defined by [his] sexuality.”

“All of a sudden it’s all about being gay. In some respects a lot of good can come from that. When I was a kid I didn’t have that many people to look up to. And if I’d had people in the public eye who were really up-front about it, it probably would have helped me. I feel like this is a conversation [Advocate] readers will understand where I’m coming from, because it’s tricky — I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing sometimes. Seriously. No one teaches you how to be a gay celebrity.”

I feel like he’s done a pretty good job so far — and bonus! He’s now in love, dating a Finland Big Brother winner with a name like a Nordic God: Sauli Koskinen. He makes Adam feel grounded, inspired, and happy!

Lambert also talks a little bit about his female fan base, who don’t let Adam’s sexuality get in the way of their crushes on him. It’s an important thing to note when we’re talking about “how to be a gay celebrity” — Hollywood mythology has long told its young hotties that coming out will ruin their marketability as a teenage heartthrob, but maybe it doesn’t have to be that way anymore.  It’s not like many fans realistically envision going steady with their idol, whether he swings that way or not.

Mega-hottie Amber Heard‘s career has, if anything, gotten better since she came out last year (though coincidentally, I think) — despite the fact that Playboy Club was cancelled, she still had the opportunity to star in a primetime teevee series, and she co-stars in the much-anticipated film Rum Diary, coming out soon. Zachary Quinto, a young male at the peak of what will surely be a storied Hollywood career, came out yesterday and so far the reception has been enormously positive.

Our generation might be setting a different standard for its crushworthy stars whose eminent hunkiness or bombshelldom would have, in prior decades, required an illusion of heterosexuality in order to be properly marketed.

But even aside from questions about commodification or marketability, for people like Adam who grew up in a fairly tolerant world, staying closeted would mean going backwards in the life they’d already built for themselves, would mean covering up the past. Celebrities like Portia de Rossi and Chely Wright grew up in a different world, wherein they were never out to ANYBODY, which made being closeted to the media a natural extension of the privately-established policy that governed every part of their lives.

But now we’ve got hot young things entering the business as out queer people or coming out shortly thereafter; people like Jonathan Groff and Jessie J and (of course) Adam Lambert. And it’s an identity that doesn’t define them but it is still a part of what makes them so special to many of their fans.

This was a cute quote:

“I pick up this kind of energy among young people that it might not be the coolest thing to say you like Adam Lambert’s music. People don’t think that I’m cool. So I love that I have the kids who are like ballsy enough to be like, ‘Fuck it, I like Adam’s music.’ I mean, I am kind of a nerd. I feel like there’s a collective eye-roll when it comes to me, in the media and just in general consciousness — with the exception of my amazing Glamberts, my hard-core fans who are the opposite.”

And at a time when many Little Monsters are wondering if they still count as weirdos when everybody’s doing it, Adam Lambert’s hard-core Glamberts have never strayed or doubted the greatness of their American Idol. Can you blame them?

Uh Huh Her’s Camila Grey: The Autostraddle Interview

After our recent doozy of a news week, you are most likely asking yourself: hey Autostraddle, it’s been 72 hours, where’s my Uh Huh Her status update? Well, have we got a good one for you! A one-on-one with Camila Grey, who gives us the Behind the Music treatment on UHH’s brand new record, Nocturnes, finally out October 11th.

For the uninitiated, here’s the quick and dirty on UHH: they are an electropop duo consisting of Camila (lead vocals, keyboards, guitar, producer) and our very own Alice Pieszecki, Miss Leisha Hailey (backup vocals, bass, keyboards). They released one really awesome full length album, Common Reaction, back in 2008 and a follow-up EP, Black and Blue, this Spring.

Prior to UHH, Cam was a member of the lo-fi rock band Mellowdrone and also played bass and keyboards for Dr. Dre, Busta Rhymes and Kelly Osbourne. Oh, and she most recently did this little thing globetrotting with Adam Lambert as his keyboard player during the worldwide Glam Nation Tour. No big deal.

The girls are about to embark on the Keep A Breast Tour (aiming to educate women on breast cancer awareness and prevention) hitting all major cities in the US starting October 8th. They’ll probs make out on stage, so you should definitely go.

Listen to “Another Case”

What’s been the biggest evolution from Common Reaction to Black and Blue to Nocturnes?

This record has an anthemic rock sound, cause I was listening to a lot of Pink Floyd… I’m obsessed with The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon. I’m really into 70s rock, like [the psychedelic, experimental band] Can, Bowie, etc.  I would say that Black and Blue was very electronic based, it was electronic influenced and made within a week and a half, two weeks. It was very like stream of consciousness while Nocturnes is very thought out, planned, and done in a studio with live musicians. It’s fancy but also done very organically while Black and Blue was just very electronic. Nocturnes is extremely layered, lush, just a deep rock record. When we made Common Reaction in 2007 we were really just getting to know one another. We met, decided to form the band, three months later had a record deal and three months after that we had Common Reaction out and thrown out on tour. It was just happening so fast! This time around we really took our time and thought everything out carefully.

You said Nocturnes was inspired by darkness… how did this manifest in the lyrics/music?

Yea, it was inspired by literal darkness… I would work until all hours of the night, just because that’s kind of when I wake up, when most people are sleeping. And, darkness also in the sense of… I had been going through personal turmoil with my relationship, and we left our label and fired our manager and we just left alone and dark and sad… There were a lot of break-ups, in that sense, happening between the two of us and the company we were dealing with. And, then I went on the road with Adam [Lambert] and spent a month in the dark in Sweden and northern Europe cause it was during the winter. I literally spent like 26 days with no sunlight in northern Europe… I’d never done that before and I was writing lyrics during that time and thinking about what that all meant… So, it was a mixture of a lot of things. It was kind of a dark year. I also want to say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so, while it’s lyrically dark, the music is super hopeful. Which I think we do all the time: dark meets light; light meets dark. You can’t have one without the other.

Why did you leave your record label?

Well, without giving away all the details it had to do with the politics and bureaucracy of our record company and we wound up being dropped and then we decided to leave everything – our managers and go off on our own as independent artists.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGNVpoy6Z5M

Did it have to do with being in out band, or the direction of the music?

…I’ll just say it had to do with the record company [laughs].

And you were left with the responsibility of financing the record production on your own…

Yeah, which was really scary because we came from Nettwerk where we had like a $200,000 budget which was amazing since we didn’t even know if we’d ever be signed when we first started and all of a sudden 5 months later we had this huge budget. So, when we left we had some money left over but not a lot so we wound up holding an auction on E-Bay and sold all kinds of stuff so our fans could help us raise the money we needed to finish mixing the record. We sold guitars, we made art, redesigned vinyl covers and stuff. All kinds of things to raise the money for the final mix of the record. I actually love that we’re self-releasing because now we get to have a hand in everything we do which is exciting but it takes a long time. We felt so bad that it was taking forever to come out that we made the EP (Black & Blue) to sell at shows until this record was ready to finally come out.

How much did the record end up costing?

You know what, in the end it cost $20,000 which is basically unheard of, especially coming from that $200,000 budget on Common Reaction. And, I can honestly tell you that the record sounds just as good, if not better. Seriously, you guys can judge for yourselves when you finally get to listen to the record.

A while back you tweeted about possibly changing the name of the band. why did you want to change it and why did you ultimately keep it?

I get so frustrated with the name because I probably have to repeat it 4 or 5 times every time I am talking to someone about the band. It’s just so hard to understand, ugh I fucking hate the name so much! So, we really wanted to change it but it’s really too late now. It would basically be undoing all of our work over the past few years getting people to know who we are and making a name for ourselves. I just keep referring to us as UHH and I really hope that catches on, like CSS [laughs]. It’s just gotta be UHH from now on.

I know it was inspired from the PJ Harvey album title, “Uh Huh Her,” but what’s the deal there? Were you guys really high one night, joking around and it stuck?

[laughs] I’ll never say… It was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time in the middle of the night. Like, you drink a 6 pack and everything seems like a good idea at the time and then you’re like, “wait, what?! That’s an awful idea.” But it’s too late now.

Who else do you like to listen to?

I like a lot of old stuff, like Zeppelin, Bowie, The Fall, Bjork, The Eurythmics, Depeche Mode…  and then newer stuff like… Ladyhawke is brilliant, Cut Copy…

Does it frustrate you that a lot of people come to the shows to see Alice Pieszecki?

Yes! It’s so annoying, seriously! A lot of girls in the audience will actually scream “Alice!” and I’m just like “Come on, really. Come on.”  It’s a little frustrating because I want all the L Word fans to really get into our music and hopefully they eventually do throughout the show or if they listen to our records. But yeah, that absolutely happens and I gotta win them over.

Does Leisha sing lead at all on the new record?

Yes, she sings lead on one song, “Debris” which she wrote by herself, and I produced.

What is the most personal song on Nocturnes?

Hmm, probably “Wake to Sleep,” which I wrote…  it’s funny because people will assume it’s like this intense, serious song but it’s  just literally about our experience writing and recording the record. As soon as the sun goes down I’m like, okay, let’s throw some candles on and go write or produce, whatever it is. Basically, Leisha has this thing where she has to leave the studio at 5PM every day and go home. And that’s just when I’m getting started and get all inspired by the night, etc. So it’s always me asking her to stay later but she always has to leave and go home [laughs].. Leisha’s very different. She’s very light-hearted, and bright and happy-go-lucky and she’ll write during the daytime but, for me… I’m inspired by the night.

Do you write the music and lyrics together or each song written entirely by one person?

When we first started we had this thing where we felt we had to write everything together. Now, we definitely still write some stuff together but there are also songs that I write entirely on my own or she writes entirely on her own. Like, I wrote “Human Nature” and “Wake to Sleep” and “Darkness Is” entirely alone and Leisha wrote “Debris” entirely on her own. The rest we collaborated on.

You guys appear to spend 24/7 together.. ever feel like a married couple?

Yes! Oh my god, we totally are. We write and record together, we do press together, we travel together on tour. And now that we don’t have the backing of the label everything is in our hands with regard to promotion and actually selling the record so the company is truly in our own hands.

What’s the craziest thing you witnessed on the Glam Nation Tour with Adam Lambert?

Oh my god. Do you have two weeks? What didn’t I see?! Probably the funniest thing from that tour was this thing Adam coined called “tongue diving” where he’d be on stage and pick out a cute guy or girl int he crowd, and start making out with them. That whole tour was crazy and so fun and it was just an amazing year. I was on the road with him for a year. I don’t think people realize how hilarious Adam Lambert is. Like, I think people see him as this serious, brooding musician but in reality, he could be a comedian – for real. We’d be in a different city in the US and Europe every day and we just had so much fun. I’m working with him now on his new record – I wrote one song and I’m producing another. I just love him – he’s like a brother to me, really.

What can you tell us about Adam’s new album?

Well, I wrote this song I love called “Dreamer” a few years ago and had been looking for a huge, powerful voice to sing it. Originally Christina Aguilera was supposed to sing it, but that didn’t happen so when I started thinking of songs for Adam it was just like “of course!” It’s perfect for him. I co-produced it with Brad Thomas Ackley who worked on Black & Blue and Nocturnes with us and and, even if it doesn’t make his final album I’m just like, oh my god! To have someone with that caliber voice and hear them do little tricks on on a song you wrote.. I REALLY hope it makes his album, it just sounds so amazing. He’s working with these big, huge producers like Pharrell, and then it’s like… us [laughing].

Did you watch The Real L Word?

You know, I don’t want to bash it, but I cannot watch that show. It’s upsetting to me. [laughing].

Which did you find to be the more accurate portrayal of lesbians – The L Word or The Real L Word?

To be totally honest, I only watched the first season of the actual L Word show and then I stopped watching it, so… I really have no idea. I’d imagine The Real L Word? I know Tracy Ryerson and she’s amazing and I think she was accurately portrayed, so I’d have to go with the reality show.

What’s the sweetest thing a girl has done for you?

Hmmm…flown me to Hawaii just to chill.

So, do you remember the fan video contest you held back in 2008 and these three girls went to SXSW and made this really funny video and won?

Yes!

So, the hilarious blonde girl in the video is Riese, the creator and editor-in-chief of Autostraddle!

Oh my god, that video was great! I remember it! So funny.

Sunday Funday Finds Support, Sweaters Increasingly Available for Gay People

Hi! We are going to talk about sweaters today. In this very post. Sweaters are like hugs that you give yourself via wearing a sweater. Everybody likes to be held, which is good since everybody wants to wear a good sweater, too. Plus, the only thing better than a sweater is the presidency, right?

Happy Sunday Funday. Let’s be warm and filled with sunshine.

DOMA Repeal Goes Bipartisan

The repeal bill for DOMA in the House of Representatives has officially shored up support from the other side, with Republican Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen’s blessings (in the form of a cosponsorship) on the legislation. She announced her support on Friday:

“I voted against the constitutional amendment defining marriage [in 2006] so I’m pleased to cosponsor the repeal of DOMA and work with my colleagues on marriage equality,” said Ros-Lehtinen, who represents Florida’s 18th district, which includes South Beach, most sections of Miami, and the Florida Keys. 

Rep. Ros-Lehtinen was described by New York Representative Jerrold Nadler as a “a tremendous ally in the world’s struggles for freedom and against oppression and discrimination:”

“She is widely recognized as a champion of human rights and human dignity,” Nadler said. “And her support reminds us that the march to repeal the discriminatory DOMA is not a partisan issue… The drive to end DOMA is — and must be — a collective, nonpartisan effort that unites Americans behind a simple push for equality.”

Gay Candidate in the Lead to Be Irish President

A new poll shows Ireland Senator David Norris leading the race for the Irish Presidency. Norris, who is openly gay, recently re-entered the race and lead the poll with 27 percent of voters, with his closest competitor at 18 percent.

And look! He’s so cute:

It’s Sweater Season: Where Are Your Sweaters?

Do any of these scenarios sound commonplace to you?

+ Going to find your favorite pair of heather-green DKNY panties in a pile of boyshorts, to no avail, then crying softly with your dog in your arms
+ Digging through your clean laundry you haven’t put away each morning to find the Hanes white v-neck, instead of the Fruit of the Loom one you borrowed from someone else
+ Searching hopelessly for your favorite ironic sweater in a bin of ironic sweaters

Microchip technology may end this battle for trendy date clothing for the rest of your life. In the meantime, though, stick with having a “favorite clothes” load of laundry that you always put away. No excuses.

DADT Movie Night

Now that DADT is a thing of the past that we can laugh at, ha ha ha, it’s time to curl up with your girlfriend and watch a gay-friendly military film. You know, like the kind with Bill Murray or something. Plus, The Advocate compiled a list of gay-friendly flicks for you of this very kind. No excuses!

Adam Lambert Honored By PFLAG

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, which is the original ally organization, recently announced they will be honoring Adam Lambert and his mother. They are honoring them at “The LA Event,” a gathering to support PFLAG National. It’s being held today! And in Beverly Hills.

Adam and his mother are obviously being honored for their adorableness:

In June, Leila Lambert showed her support of the organization by marching in the Gay Pride Parade with PFLAG alongside Ellen DeGeneres’ mother. Adam proudly tweeted a photo of his mom marching saying:

“Look how sweet! My beautiful mother Leila marching in the Gay Pride Parade for www.pflag.org”

Lambert was also nominated for his work to promote gay rights and gay equality with younger audiences.

Willow Smith’s Album Almost Ready

Willow Smith blew you away in 2010 and made you do the “hair whip” too:

And her full-length album still isn’t out.

But! The waiting is soon to end, according to her producer, Ronal Jackson. Willow is on the way. And something tells me it’s gonna be fierce:

Jackson explained that Willow will feature a range of influences from several different genres of music.

“Willow is kind of a combination of what ‘Whip My Hair’ was,” he added. “Willow isn’t just an pop star, she isn’t just an urban artist, she’s very international. A lot of her music has a very big influence of everything from rock to pop to hip-hop.”

Burning Man

Dude, what the fuck is Burning Man and why would anyone go? Slate explains. And for the record – there’s a desert, some naked chicks, and thousands of other people. Oh, and a real-life burning man.

Rihanna Found Love

Rihanna’s new single, “We Found Love,” is full of warm sunshine and good black-and-white album art. And it’s finally here!

Nicki Minaj is Gonna Call You Soon

Nicki Minaj has joined other notable celebrities, including Trey Songz and Wiz Khalifa, in the “Get Schooled” campaign, which focuses on keeping kids in high school – and helping them successfully graduate.

What this means is, you can register at the campaign website for a wake-up phone call from Nicki herself, you know, to make sure you get to school – and she’ll surprise you on the day she chooses.

Could anything be better? No. (I am aware this will be a robocall. But what if it isn’t? What if everything becomes perfect and Nicki Minaj and I become friends?)

Lesbian Comics

Lesbians are allowed to be funny now. The big shocker is that the people you thought were funny all along were probably lesbians. Either way, here’s an article from ScreenJunkies about some notable lesbo-funny-people and what they’re up to. Ellen’s in it, so you have to read it. Obviously.

Jess Dugan’s Totally Gay Art Piece

Jess Dugan’s series “Coupled” profiles gay people who are happily committed to other gay people through photographs:

I began photographing for Coupled in 2006, at which time gay marriage was a major political issue in Massachusetts and around the nation. I had the opportunity to use a 20-by-24-inch Polaroid camera, which is very rare because there are only five of these cameras in existence in the world. With my other projects, I always take my camera to my subject, but in this case, because the camera is so big, I had to bring my subjects to the camera. This limitation caused me to embrace the studio fully, posing each couple against the same bold red backdrop and creating images that focused exclusively on the people in them. Because the composition, lighting, and background are the same in all 20 images, it really forces you to look closely at the people as individuals. 

I wanted to photograph queer couples as an affirmation of their relationships and of queer identity. It is important to make honest and positive photographs of queer people because it allows viewers to connect with our community in a way they might not otherwise do. I am asking viewers to look at real, beautiful queer couples as individual people, not as a demographic or political issue. I believe strongly in the power of art to influence social change, and I also believe that education can be the most effective on a personal level. 

BABY OTTERS.

The best kind of ZooBorn.

Ellen & Portia Combine Forces In LoveVeganismCats For NBC Comedy Series

ELLEN & PORTIA:

Your relationship role models are pulling their Hollywood power together in hopes of getting their own scripted series on the air. NBC has purchased a pilot of an untitled 30 minute comedy series about two contentious sisters (one of whom will be played by Portia). Ellen is set to executive produce. The show concept was apparently such a hot commodity that ABC, NBC and CBS were ALL fighting over it – which is a good sign regarding the show’s dreams of making it to your television screen for a Spring premiere.

Ellen chatted a bit about the new show as well as Portia getting her American citizenship on The Tonight Show last night (you may need to watch the whole interview as this segment isn’t available in a clip):

 JANE LYNCH:

The Lynch covers the October issue of The Advocate and gives a great new interview that give a peek into her real personality:

On love scenes with Cybill Shepherd on The L Word:

“We were both clothed because no one wants to see us middle-aged broads flopping around in bed. [Laughs] I had one love scene under my belt, and I’m a lesbian in actual life, so I’m sure she expected me to take the lead, which I did. She was absolutely wonderful and open to the challenge. We both had a good time.”

On her style:

“I love fashion, and I love seeing it on people, I have a hard time with myself, though. I’m hard to fit. I have a skinny neck and a little head and a big ass. It’s hard to dress that.”

Finally, on her struggle with alcohol:

“Boone’s Farm, that’s a gateway drug. I think it’s cheap. And it gets you drunk, and it’s sweet, but boy, it makes you sick. I remember a friend walking home through the park in the snow leaving a trail of bright red vomit.”

CHAZ:

Cher surprises Chaz by calling to Ellen and rips the Dancing With the Stars haters a new asshole. It’s quote sweet to see Cher’s support for Chaz during this ridiculous media overload.

ADAM LAMBERT:

I hate to be the barer of bad news, but Glambert has disclosed that his upcoming musical masterpiece will not be ready until early 2012.

BROADWAY:

Queerty previews the a slew of brand new shows (well, a lot of revivals) opening on Broadway this fall.

KELLY CLARKSON / FLORENCE & THE MACHINE:

Some new music you won’t have to wait for are the new Kelly Clarkson (Stronger) and Florence & the Machine (Ceremonials) records, which I need in my ipod earbuds yesterday. The cover art and tracklistings for Ceremonials (out November 1) and Stronger (out October 24) have been released!

Adam Lambert is Behind the Music & Naya Rivera is in Front of the Camera

ADAM LAMBERT:

Despite watching every interview since 2009 and sitting through his E! True Hollywood Story, I still learned bits of brand spankin’ new knowledge from his Behind the Music. The good people at VH1 put the whole thing online so you can watch it right here!

Of the day he finally came out to his family after years of internal struggle his father says they all “breathed a collective sigh of relief. ” Adam adds, “It felt amazing; it really did. It felt like a weight was lifted, having that freedom of communication about a part of me that I had kept secret for so long.” Also, remember those initial photos of him kissing some guy during the Idol run? The were apparently found on a social networking site called Tribe, where he forgot to cancel his account. What is this Tribe our boy speaks of?

On his upcoming fall musical masterpiece:

“The good news is that I am in love, so that’s a good place to be. It’s a great time to be making music, I’ll tell you.”

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NAYA RIVERA:

She’s in the studio this very second recording her debut solo album that will sound something along the lines of dance tracks, heartfelt ballads, and jazz stylings along the lines of Amy Winehouse and Adele. Our little Santana also goes full glam for the new issue of Instyle:

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GAGA:

Her dragking alter-ego Jo Calderone is back on the single cover for “You & I” (sidenote, pretty much my fave track on Born This Way.)  She also adds that the “You & I” music video will be her 1,000th tweet (she’s currently at 992).

MTV:

The hands down most watchable award show on television, the VMAs, will include a new social activism category this year:

This special category celebrates the powerful intersection of music and social activism, and highlights artists who created music videos with positive messages of self-empowerment or raised awareness of key social issues facing today’s youth.  With an outpouring of support from across the pop culture spectrum the last year, artists mobilized to support bullied youth, reject LGBT discrimination and emphasize self worth — issues MTV has been addressing through A Thin Line, its anti-cyberbullying and digital abuse campaign, launched in December of 2009 – and now via this special 2011 MTV Video Music Award Category.

The 2011 VMAs air Sunday, August 28th and the nominees for “Best Video With a Message” are:
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+ Pink,  “Fuckin’ Perfect”
+ Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”
+ Katy Perry, “Firework”
+ Eminem, “Love The Way You Lie”
+ Rise Against, “Make It Stop”
+ Taylor Swift, “Mean”

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Speaking of MTV, the Village Voice has obtained the 30 page contract that must be signed by cast members of The Real World.  The lengthy document is considered a standard contract for all Real World participants and stipulates that those who sign on the dotted line “may be humiliated and explicitly portrayed ‘in a false light.’” Housemates are also required to “grant the Producer blanket rights to your entire life story,” which they then have the right to “misrepresent.” So, who’s gonna leak The Real L Wordcontract for us to publish?

Adam Lambert’s an “Outlaw of Love,” Miley Cyrus’ Finger is Gay, SamRo Gets Arrested

ADAM LAMBERT:

Hard at work in the studio writing and recording his second album, our golden boy stepped out with his first performance of new material since For Your Entertainment the other night in Quebec. “Outlaws of Love” beautifully articulates the struggle many gay people experience moving through the world and was co-written by Adam and BC Jean, a singer-songwriter known for co-writing Beyonce’s “If I Were a Boy.”

Everywhere we go
We’re lookin’ for the sun
Nowhere to grow old
We’re always on the run
They say we’ll rot in Hell
But I don’t think we will
They’ve branded us enough
Outlaws of love

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oJRuaH5FJ0′]

Adam tells US Weekly that the new album will be far more personal than For Your Entertainment:

..
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He was also misquoted in the same interview as saying:

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Finally, are we all aware he’s getting his very own VH1 Behind the Music, airing this Sunday?.

JULIE & BRANDY:

You must download the latest Gay Pimpin’ with Jonny McGovern podcast in which Julie Goldman walks you through the E! True Hollywood Story of her slightly traumatic experience on RuPaul’s Drag U (jump about 90 minutes in). And, you don’t want to miss any gems from Brandy Howard in the studio as well, so get comfy cause you’ll likely be listening to the 3 hour episode in it’s entirety.

MILEY CYRUS:

She tweeted this photo of her 7th tattoo, an equality symbol with the message “All LOVE is equal” Salon details her outspoken nature when it comes to the gays:

Two months ago, the 18-year-old singer got in a Twitter tiff with a fellow Tennessean over “moral values” and declared she’s “not gonna be a closed-minded hypocrite,” before ripping into Rick Santorum and his acolytes, including “SHADYASHELL” Urban Outfitters. And last month, after the Casey Anthony verdict, she was railing on Twitter that “You know the world is skewed when people get away with murdering children but we cant get gay marriage legalized in the state of California.”

I also ran into her outside Coffee Bean in Palm Springs, a block away from Dinah Shore 2010, so.

SAMANTHA RONSON:

Samantha Ronson was arrested for DUI on Monday, after DJing her brother Mark’s bachelor party at Lavo nightclub in Las Vegas. She was pulled over for speeding (89 m.p.h in a 70 m.p.h. zone) in her black Porsche and “showing signs of being impaired” at approximately 10:30 a.m. After failing a field-sobriety test and refusing a Breathalyzer test, Ronson was taken to the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department, charged with two misdemeanor counts of Driving Under the Influence and released a little before 6 p.m. Fun fact: According to the booking sheet, SamRon is listed as 5’7″ and 102 pounds.

GAGA:

Wearing an outfit that could only inspire fashion-envy from Barbara Walters and my grandma, Gaga co-hosted The View and performed “You and I.” She chats about the death of Amy Winehouse and a bit more of her past use of Cocaine (which she detailed on Howard Stern).

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAPkwGIgbsI’]

BROADWAY:

RENT is back Off-Broadway and Entertainment Weekly has a great interview with director Michael Greif, detailing the revival’s updated cast, set and wardrobe. And check out Vanity Fair’s gallery of images from the new production.

Speaking of revivals, there was a time when Lea Michele was rumored to take the lead role in the new Funny Girl, but it looks as through Six Feet Under‘s Lauren Ambrose has been cast. It is  also now officially official that Darren Criss will replace Daniel Radcliffe in How to Succeed in Business… for a three week stint beginning January 3rd.

California Schoolkids, Adam Lambert Are Winners This Sunday Funday

CALIFORNIA:

Seemingly against all odds, the bill that would require social studies curriculum in the state of California to include gay history and role models is moving closer to becoming a reality. This week it passed the state Senate, and now heads to the general assembly, where it is widely expected to pass.

We’ve talked about this bill before; how amazing it would have been to see people like us in the pages of our history books, or to even be allowed to know that those people existed. Openly gay senator Mark Leno, the sponsor of the bill, has explained it like so: “This selective censorship sends the wrong message to all young people, and especially to those who do not identify as straight. We can’t tell our youth that it’s OK to be yourself and expect them to treat their peers with dignity and respect while we deny them accurate information about the historical contributions of Americans who happened to be LGBT,” he said.” Countless studies have proven that the more gays that straight people know and are familiar with, the more likely they are to empathize with their struggles and support them instead of viewing them as a threat. If kids were able to see how much of our country’s history is based on the contributions and hard work of gay as well as straight people, it could go a long way towards a generation more open and accepting of queer people than any before it.

Perhaps most surprising and most gratifying, however, is that this is all happening in California. During the Prop 8 campaign, much of the Yes on 8’s information and messaging was outright wrong – a popular lie that millions of Californians really believed was that without Prop 8, their children would be “taught homosexuality” in their schools. In actuality the language of the marriage equality legislation related only to, you know, marriage, but huge numbers of voters went to the polls sincerely unaware of that.

And we all know how that worked out. Prop 8 is still in a sort of seemingly endless legal limbo, in which it seems unlikely to last much longer but couples still can’t marry. But in the meantime, this bill – the Fair, Accurate, Inclusive and Respectful Education Act – might actually happen. Voters’ greatest fears – that marriage equality would somehow erode their own families and way of life – hasn’t come to pass, and never will. But their fear that their children might leave the public education system knowing that homosexuality exists, and that gay people are just as real as they are? That’s looking very possible right now. And that’s great. Because knowledge isn’t something we should ever be afraid of, and knowledge of their own place in history is something everyone deserves.

ADAM LAMBERT:

It seems like everyone has something to say about the J. Crew Toenail Painting Incident. Unsurprisingly, Adam Lambert’s response is spot on. “Gender confusion?” he tweeted to his nearly 1 million followers. “I don’t think it’s that deep – children should have full freedom of expression. It’s everyone else who’s confused… If society didn’t work so hard to reinforce gender role stereotypes we would have a much more well-adjusted & open-minded future generation.”

LILO, COACHELLA:

It turns out Coachella was this weekend and I didn’t get to go, but Lindsay Lohan did! I feel like huge floppy hats were really in or something.

KOBE RESPONSE:

If you haven’t read gay former NBA player John Amaechi’s open letter to Kobe Bryant in response to the gay slur he used on the court last week, it’s inspiring and worth your time. “A young man from a Los Angeles public school e-mailed me. You are his idol. He is playing up, on the varsity team, he has your posters all over his room, and he hopes one day to play in college and then in the N.B.A. with you. He used to fall asleep with images of passing you the ball to sink a game-winning shot. He watched every game you played this season on television, but this week he feels less safe and less positive about himself because he stared adoringly into your face as you said the word that haunts him in school every single day.”

LADY GAGA AT NEWNOWNEXT:

Hey what did you think about Gaga’s new single, “Judas”? Well then, what about her NewNowNext Awards acceptance speech?

BISEXUAL JESUS NOVEL:

James Frey is most famous for making Oprah mad and writing a partially fabricated memoir. But now he’s writing a new book where Jesus returns to Earth as an openly bisexual man who dates a prostitute and otherwise proves himself to be the opposite of what the religious right would imagine him to be. It sounds interesting, at the very least!

MICHIGAN DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIPS:

Michigan benefits for domestic partners have so far survived a vote trying to repeal the policy. “A proposal to rescind the policy failed to receive the required two-thirds vote in the house of representatives Thursday. Sixty-six members voted in favor of repeal, eight short of the number needed. A repeal measure had passed the senate by the required margin.”

GAY BRITISH KISS-IN:

Two men at the John Snow pub in London had the worst first date ever. At first, the date was going so well that they kissed, at which point the pub kicked them out. The pub’s actions led to a kiss-in that caused the bar to close and lose a night’s revenue. The couple has a second date planned.

ANITA BRYANT:

Don’t ask me how, but I found this video of Anita Bryant being hit in the face with a pie. You’re welcome.

KITTENS:

Also, duh, kittens. #weareallmadeofkittenshadows

OTTERS:

Logo’s 2011 NewNowNext Awards Are Totally Ridiculous, Predict the Future

Last night, the (gay) internet unanimously agreed that the first ten minutes of Logo’s fourth annual NewNowNext Awards were already more exciting than all five hours of the Oscars. Hosted by Dawson Leery himself (get it, girl!), the program featured performances by Robyn, electropop group Oh Land, Panic at the Disco, and everyone’s Dinah Shore favorite, Wynter Gordon. They also somehow managed to wrangle an impressive roster of presenters and attendees, including Adam Lambert, Darren Criss, Maya Rudolph, Paula Abdul, the queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race and a pair of gay Angry Birds. Gosh I hope Tom and Katie found time to tune in and support the Beek.

For the second year in a row Autostraddle was not nominated for a #zOMG Internet Award and we won’t stop until we have one on our mantel, damnit.

Anyway, the NNN Awards actually have an impressive track record, having identified Lady Gaga, True Blood and Julie Goldman as Significant Things before they hit the mainstream radar.  In fact, the first annual NNN Awards was the site of Gaga’s very first televised performance of “Just Dance” back in May 2008:

And you better believe Gaga remembers performing in that tiny, weirdly lit room in New York City as she gracefully accepted her Lifetime Achievement Award via video.Oh, you read that right. Lifetime Achievement. She’s been around three years.

Backstage footage reveals an exclusive with Adam Lambert who dishes on his Finnish boyfriend, the secret meaning of “slaloming,” other sordid sex acts, and his new album.

Full List of Winners:

Brink of Fame Actor: Darren Criss (Glee)
#zOMG Internet Award: (tie) @CarrieFFisher on Twitter; JamesVanDerMemes.com
TV You Betta Watch: Pretty Little Liars
Best New Indulgence: New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys — Summer Tour 2011
Most Addictive Reality Star: Tabbatha Coffey (Tabbatha’s Salon Takeover)
‘Cause You’re Hot: Joe Magnaniello (True Blood)
Next Must See Movie: Bridesmaids
Brink of Fame Award: Oh Land
Always Next, Forever Now Award: Lady Gaga

Watch the entire show right here:

Glambert, Gaga & Glee Tell All – It’s a Very Gay Pop Tuesday

GLAMBERT:

Adam Lambert sat down for one of his best interviews in recent memory and reflected on some possible missteps with For Your Entertainment and the goal for his follow-up next fall:

“One of the things that I reflected on over the last year and that I’m going to steer a little bit differently with this next album, is that there’s a bit of intimidation that happens when you come off a big show like that and all of a sudden you’re famous and there’s all this expectation. There’s a little bit of overcompensation that might have happened. I was wearing A LOT of make up, I was like ‘I have to make this conceptual’ and this and that. At the heart of it, I love pop music, but I’m a singer first and I think this next album is probably going to focus more-so on the voice and on lyrics and energy that is genuine, honest and personal. Yes, it will be a little glam here and there and there will be a little camp, but I want those other things to be at the forefront and have the rhinestones and all of that [in the background]. I think this one is going to be a bit more personal, a bit more real. But don’t quote me — watch — I’ll come out with feathers on the next cover!”

Hmmm… just as we predicted! To bide some time while crafts his next musical masterpiece, Adam is releasing a combo CD/DVD package of his Glam Nation tour on March 22.

GAGA:

Jay Leno made himself useful for once and actually asked a real question! He made Gaga address the elephant in the room regarding the “Born This Way” / “Express Yourself” debacle. And, rather than distract with a tangent about Whitney Houston, she gave it up:

“There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan personally and professionally. Well, the good news is that I got an e-mail from her people and her, sending me their love and complete support on behalf of the single and if the queen says it shall be, then it shall be.”

Do you think Madonna’s getting royalty checks off “Born This Way?” JK, I think I’m over it. Who’s excited about Gaga’s HBO Monster Ball Concert on May 7? Do the new bones in her face turn you on?

GLEE:

Darren Criss is Out Magazine’s new coverboy and the subject of a profile peppered with his usual sweetness about not playing gay or straight but rather just a character. More interesting are the insider Glee comments from show creator Ryan Murphy, when discussing Blaine and his future storylines:

“Blaine will openly question whether bisexuality is real,” he confirms. “I think that some people will love that discussion and some will not love it.” In reference to whether or not Kurt and Blaine will ever hook up, he says: “It’s my job as showrunner to keep them apart as long as possible… When that moment comes — if it comes… I want to treat that relationship like we treat all the other relationships on the show. I want it to be as flawed and as exposed as everyone else’s.”

After the internet exploded in response to the idea of Blaine hooking up with one of the girls for a hot second, Murphy quickly fired off a statement:

“Blaine is NOT bi. He is gay, and will always be gay. I think it’s very important to young kids that they know this character is one of them.”

Don’t get invested. This show will go to crazytown before the day is done.
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