Faking It Episode 310 Recap: But I Know What I Want Now!

Welcome to the very last recap of Faking It ever! Yup, our favorite Fake Lesbian Buffet has been cancelled by MTV due to declining ratings. Carter Covington told The Hollywood Reporter:

“I think the show will have a strong life in the future, whether it’s on iTunes or made available on Hulu or Netflix for long periods of time. I think people, when they found our show, really loved it. Early on, perhaps people thought it as a show for LGBT fans and even though I’ve never seen it that way — I think the show appeals to a broad audience — I do think it might have gotten that impression and maybe people didn’t sample it who didn’t feel like they fell into that audience.”

I’m sure many will blame the show’s LGBT focus for its cancellation, but I think that’s short-sighted. LGBT fans are a passionate bunch! It’s true that statistically speaking, we’re an incredibly small slice of the population, but that’s changing, especially for the teens in MTV’s target demographic. It’s also true that because of online streaming and DVR, what qualifies as “good ratings” for a show is a much smaller number than it was ten years ago. These days, we are capable of sustaining a show all on our own.

But we’re also easily discouraged and disappointed, and a lot of queer women dropped off after Amy’s ret-conning, the intensified focus on Karma and Liam, the relentless conversation around Amy and Liam’s drunken romp, and everything wrong about Reagan’s character. This lowered buzz around the show in general. I definitely don’t hear the show come up in conversation nearly as much as it used to. So was the problem not enough straight people tuning in, or too many queer women tuning out? Because although queer women objectively understand the importance of the show maintaining Shane’s gay romances and adding a gay trans guy and a bisexual guy, it won’t make them actually tune in. As indicated in the graph I made you a few weeks ago, the readership for these recaps has dropped by over 60% since Season One. That’s mostly queer women, right there! Don’t mess with us. If you let us down, we will stop watching, and we’re a big chunk of viewers these days.

But look — I think this show did mostly good things. I really do, I’m glad it existed. The lead character was a queer woman. That literally never happens. I’ve mostly even enjoyed it! It’s funny!

NOW ONTO THE RECAP!

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We open in Amy’s bedroom, where she’s exhibiting stalwart devotion to the lesbian art of post-breakup processing, even though her relationship with Sabrina lasted for literally three minutes. It’s apparently been two weeks but Amy’s still pondering theories about Sabrina’s hypothetical sociopathy and her ALLEGED dairy allergy, and Karma’s still obligated to sit there and hear her out.

Well, there is another option: Karma’s parents and their girlfriend Diane would love for the girls to join them for Diane’s Way Cathartic Year-End Cleansing Ritual! Although initially turned off by a Ritual involving Karma’s parents fawning physically over Diane (bc everybody knows Amy & Diane are MTB), the prospect of burning things appeals to these budding sadists.

Amy burns Season Six of The L Word, which Sabrina apparently not only purchased on DVD but made Amy watch, which is the meanest thing any person can do to another person.

Amy then burns a box of letters and pictures, which gives me major anxiety. Doesn’t anybody here keep everything from every ex forever to use as reference for the memoir you’re gonna write? No?

Oh but um, then somehow this situation sets Karma’s whole house on fire!

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LAUREN & LIAM’S LAP DANCE PAD: LAUREN YOU HAVE TO STOP HASHTAGGING #BOOPER AND ACTING LIKE WE’RE BOYFRIEND GIRLFRIEND JUST FOR SOCIAL MEDIA, THAT’S NOT COOL.

HEY LIAM I HAVE AN IDEA WHY DON’T YOU GO ALONG WITH IT AND MAKE KARMA JEALOUS HUH HOW ABOUT THAT WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT LIAM.

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Thanks to the Great Fire Of 2016, Karma and Amy are now living every Karmy fan-fic writer’s dream scenario: Karma’s forced to move into Lauren’s old bedroom at Amy’s house! Farrah’s worried about potential drama or Emotions, but the ladies insist there’s no problemo there ’cause Amy just broke up with Sabrina and there’s still that thing with Felix!

“Sabrina turned out to be a whack job because I’m meant to spend New Year’s with Felix,” says Amy as I smash a carton of macaroni salad into my nasal cavities while listening to dubstep. Karma’s clearly got her heart in Felix’s sack of hearts herself, though, and it’s Farrah, not Karma, who encourages Amy to reach out to Felix and make New Year’s Eve plans!

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Brew & Chew & Skip To My Lou: Shane’s stoked that his band with Noah and Karma landed a paid gig at a weird New Year’s Eve bash.

After Shane says his line, Noah busts that pop stand and Karma wants to know why everything between Shane and Noah has gone from hot-hot-hot to GOSH IT’S COLD so fast. Shane, unfortunately, cannot tell Karma anything nope not one thing! Also, Liam exists. Karma’s got no time for his silly man games, obviously Booper isn’t real, goodbye.

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Prom Dress Shopping Set: Lauren can’t believe she’s helping Amy buy a dress for New Year’s! How wild! Amy explains that boys like dresses. Also, they don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses and if you want to go out on Saturday, don’t call before Wednesday. Also, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but only if you have medical training.

Lauren, exhibiting genuine compassion, wants to know how she’s feeling about getting dumped like a hot potato by Sabrina the Teenaged Lesbian Witch. Amy insists she’s a-ok and besides doesn’t want advice from a member of #booper, a ship she refuses to believe exists for sailing purposes.

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Karma’s super-duper happy for Felix and Amy having their big date and planning to kiss on New Year’s! She’s so happy she can hardly even look happy. “Might there be another reason I shouldn’t go out with Amy on New Year’s?” asks Felix, obviously hoping Karma will say I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, TAKE ME TO CAT HEAVEN. Instead, she steals my joke as Sabrina walks past, calling her “Sabrina the Teenaged Bitch.”

Well, Sabrina has gone bananas! She’s not been eating or sleeping or watching Season Six of The L Word (#2 source of bananas), she’s just been obsessively contacting Amy who refuses to hear her swan song.

Sabrina begs Karma to help her get Amy back, because she loves Amy and needs to be with Amy forever and everybody knows that Evan is yesterday’s fish fry. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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BOOPERVILLE: GUESS WHAT LAUREN, KARMA ISN’T JEALOUS OF US SHE THINKS WE AREN’T THE REAL DEAL. THAT’S BONKERS, LIAM! WE NEED TO SHOW THEM HOW REAL WE ARE/AREN’T! THAT’S A REALLY GOOD WAY TO SPEND OUR BRIEF MOMENTS OF TIME ON THIS PLANET.

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Faking It Episode 309 Recap: So Can We Be Girlfriends?

Hello and welcome to the ninth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about what happens when you turn a maxi dress into a mini pad! This finger lickin’ good program is brought to you by the same network that brought you Singled Out, the best game show of all time.

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We open in Amy’s den of sin and martyrdom, where she’s engaging in some heavy over-the-clothes petting with her best Amiga, Sabrina. The two hungry teenagers paw at each other’s buttons and apparent double-bra situations like cats vaguely interested in having lunch, while cooing about how the past four days have been incredible and magical! Aw man.

Then who should interrupt but Farrah, wanting to know if the ladies are bringing dates to her Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party. Like maybe… you know… Felix? NOPE, says Amy. NOPE No Felix, no dates, no persons of interest. Farrah’s not buying it, ’cause she says Amy’s seemed ESPECIALLY happy lately, so there must be somebody! The girls, amused with themselves, deny the accusations, but when Farrah dips out, Amy dips in: she knows Sabrina’s not ready to come out to her imaginary parents or any other persons from her vacant backstory, but Amy doesn’t like lying to her Mom or Karma. Sabrina agrees to let this exclusive circle in on their deal, but is nervous about Karma. Amy insists there’s nothing Karma could say that’d come between them! I can’t wait to find out what Karma’s gonna say to come between them!

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Java the Jamhouse Hey Jude Don’t Be A Steamed Milk You Were Made To Go Out and Mooooo-cha: Karma’s convinced that Sabrina’s only pretending to be a lesbian in order to sink her claws deeper into Amy’s tender label-free skin, but Felix thinks Karma sounds crazy and refuses to partake in Karma’s anti-Sabrina campaign.

Like a flash of light from a far away star colony, Amy rushes into the Coffee Haus, burning to tell Karma about Sabrina questioning her sexuality and slipping Amy the tongue. Amy knows Karma’s not president of the Sabrina Fan Club, but she really hopes Karma won’t talk trash about Sabrina or try to talk Amy out of being in this thing that makes her so so so so happy! Karma’s like WHO ME NOPE. HAHAHAHA What was I thinking where was I oops so spacey!!! I just want you to be happy!!!

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LAUREN & LIAM’S LAIR: NO MORE ONE-NIGHT STANDS IN MY APARTMENT, LIAM, THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL AND YOU DO NOT PAY RENT AND THAT GIRL BROKE MY MUG AND WANTED COFFEE AND THIS IS NOT A COFFEE SHOP FOR ONE-NIGHT STANDS. NO ONE-NIGHT STANDS LIAM HOW HARD IS THAT.

WELL LAUREN EVERYBODY BESIDES MONKS HAVE ONE-NIGHT STANDS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOWER YOUR STANDARDS AND HAVE BOYS OVER SO THAT YOU CAN STOP “SLUT-SHAMING” ME BECAUSE I AM A VICTIM.

Lauren: Do you know how hard it is to find a handsome athletic ambitious young libertarian who wears khakis that actually fit and is comfortable with a strong woman?

Does anybody know if Kelly Clarkson wears khakis that actually fit? E-mail me.

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Band Room: The Band Room has a nice rug that I want for my band room! Shane and Noah are gonna have sex tomorrow! Not tonight, because of the HO HO HO party and the Reiki Healing Test, but tomorrow. Yup for sure tomorrow! It’s a sex date!

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Hester High’s World-Famous Cafeteria Common Area Situation With Vitamin Water: Karma gives Sabrina a piece of her mind about playing with Amy’s heart and emotions, but Sabrina insists there’s nothing fake about their relationship and she won’t let Karma fuck it up by being a jealous paranoid bitch.

Sabrina accuses Karma of accusing her of killing Tupac and storms out, leaving her CELL PHONE behind. Yeah, the phone a boy called her on and she had to tuck away while Karma was yelling at her. That phone.

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Liam’s unclear on why Shane hasn’t slipped Noah the salami yet and Shane is dying inside ’cause he can’t talk to Liam about Noah being trans. Instead, Shane demands details on Liam’s sex life, which Liam admits is over ’cause Lauren doesn’t have a sexy sexy sex life of her own to drown out the moans and growls from his one-night ladies.

Shane suggests they find her a new man, but Liam says her standards are too high — and, as if on cue, we meet PRESTON, wearing tight khakis and arguing with Penelope Delia Fisher about why there’s no Libertarian club at Hester Homo High School For Hedonists. SCORE.

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Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party: Amy reveals her relationship with Sabrina to her Mom, and her Mom’s totes cool!

In fact, Farrah has ALSO reconnected with somebody from her past and he’s here right now at this very party! Turns out Farrah’s new/old flame, Ron, is a criminal who steals and lies and Amy is not at all thrilled about his return to their fiesta.

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Meanwhile, Amy summons Felix to her lair to demand he hack into Sabrina’s phone.

Felix is no Caleb, unfortunately, and instead fate must jailbreak the phone — Evan, Sabrina’s obvious boyfriend, rings his lady to let her know he’s in town and on his way to her place and Karma answers, pretending to be Sabrina, and asks him to meet them at the Brew-and-Chew-You in five minutes! Probably there’s gonna be like a jazz quartet thing tonight and she doesn’t wanna miss it. Who doesn’t love a nice jazz quartet and a warm cup of java.

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Back at the Ho-Ho-Hoagie Party, Amy’s determined to prove that Ron is still a terrible person who gets his girlfriends involved in Pyramid schemes and is overall a lying manipulative asshat. Sabrina’s like, “What if it was just a little lie that got out of hand and now he really likes her? What if he’s changed?” Yup — so Sabrina was lying about her sexuality… but then she fell for Amy anyhow. WATCH AND LEARN, KARMA.

Meanwhile, Lauren shows up with lesbian twins she calls “New Lisbeth.” She delivers strict orders on how to improve her Instagram game by taking lots of glamorous candids where she looks “relateably fabulous.”

But look out, Lisbeths: Liam’s brought Preston to the party, and it doesn’t take long for him and Lauren to hit it off on the topic of American exceptionalism and manifest destiny. Sparks are flying this evening, ladies, but Shane’s in a tizzy about Noah’s vagina and is coping by making Leila answer weird questions about peppermint bark.

Shane: Suppose you absolutely adore candy canes and you don’t think you even liked peppermint bark, but then you find some peppermint bark you really wanna eat, does this mean you’re a peppermint bark person now and not a candy cane person?
Leila: I’m not allowed to have processed sugar.

Sigh.

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Faking It Episode 308 Recap: Just Pick “Bisexual” So We Can Have Christmas!

Welcome to the eighth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about that time it rained so hard that my house floated away on a river and eventually docked on a distant port just in time for a lesbian whale-watching cruise. This program is brought to you by the same network that brought you Pimp My Ride, which was also about my house floating away.

I’m sorry this recap is many hours late and honestly, several dollars short. It’s been a really stressful week!! BUT I SURE HOPE WE CAN COME TOGETHER TO DISCUSS THIS SHITSHOW.

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We open in Amy’s subconscious, okay? I’m just gonna do you the favor this show did NOT do me, and let you know straight-away where we are. Like say if you watched the Faking It mid-season trailer and saw this scene and thought it was a scene that would eventually transpire in this very narrative I want you to know that you were wrong. You were tricked. It is, indeed, a fucking g-damn DREAM, Y’ALL.

Yup, so, in Amy’s dream, Karma approaches her, says she’s identified the source of her jealousy, and then shares a series of intense but tongueless kisses with her best friend for life, donut and horror movie enthusiast Amy Raudenfield.

Then Amy’s like, “no! I cannot go back there with you!” at which point Karma turns into Sabrina, and there’s a wind machine, and it’s like this whole thing.

And then, of course… she wakes up!

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Cut to Java the Hutbucks, where a tiny sign on the cabana indicates we are merely seven days away from Christmas, my favorite holiday! Even though I’m Jewish. Anyhow, Amy admits to Shane, who says this situation reminds him WAY too much of that other situation, that Sabrina admitted to Amy that she had a “sexy female dream of her own.”

Karma shows up and is alarmed to see that Amy is wearing her “crush boots,” which kill Amy’s tender golden arches but are also really good at seducing people. She demands Shane reveal who Amy’s dressing up for — IS IT SABRINA??!!! Karma says Amy’s gonna get her heart broken again but Shane refuses comment, instead shoving a taco into his mouth. An actual taco.

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Lauren’s Lovely Lair: LIAM, PUT DOWN THE BABY JESUS. PUT IT DOWN. THIS IS A CHRISTMAS HOUSE, NOT A HANUKKAH HOUSE. ALSO IF IT’S REALLY 7 DAYS BEFORE X-MAS, CHANCES ARE VERY GOOD THAT HANUKKAH HAS ALREADY BEGUN.

HERE LIAM, YOU CAN HAVE ONE SQUARE FOOT FOR YOUR MENORAH AND YOUR DREIDELS, OKAY? ONE SQUARE FOOT. MHM. HAVE SOME TINY PIECES OF GELT. LIKE DIME-SIZED GELT. MAYBE FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THAT ONE SQUARE FOOT LAST FOR EIGHT SQUARE FEET, OR SOMETHING.

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Back at Hester Heathen High For High Kicks and Fun Times, Amy and Sabrina are figuring out whether or not Sabrina is an Ellen Page type or a Portia De Rossi type, which’s tough to figure out because Sabrina isn’t gay.

Also WHERE did they find this rare print edition of Autostraddle.com?

Amy suggests they hit up LeZ-BINGO, which must be taking place in Fantasyland, but before Sabrina can excuse herself, Karma slides in like a wet banana and suggests something Sabrina wants to do even less: attend movie-oake as the Three Amigas! They’re doing Mean Girls and Sabrina would be so good at it, because she is a mean girl! Sabrina and Amy lie very poorly regarding their plans for this evening and Karma buys it because she is a goldfish.

Karma warns Sabrina against doing anything that might lead Amy on. Unfortuanetly, Sabrina is a heartless bitch.

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Elsewhere in this institution of secondary education, Shane and Noah are linking pinkies and gazing into each other’s eyeballs when Karma interrupts just in time for Noah to duck out of the convo because, as Shane tells Karma, Noah always ducks out when things get sexually suggestive. Maybe he has IBS.

Shane wonders if Noah’s not out yet, but Karma says at least he’s got something to be out ABOUT, unlike Amy’s crush, Sabrina McStraightypants. Then Karma has an idea! She’ll try to save Amy from the fake lesbian storyline by pushing her further towards the boyfriend storyline! She casts a determined glance in Felix’s direction. Felix always seems a little bit confused that he’s even on this show, you know?

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Out in the previously cheery outdoor hallways of the Hester Hippie Hoe-Down, Penelope Delia Fisher is ripping down mistletoe like the motherfucking Grinch and declaring that Christmas Break is cancelled because um, it’s offensive. To somebody. Hypothetically.

Penelope: In an ideal world, everybody would just wear labels that told us how NOT to offend them. But they don’t!
Lauren: What if they did? If we can get everyone to label themselves, can we get our holidays back?

Penelope’s unclear on how, exactly, that could be “pulled off.” I’m unclear on how, exactly, you could cancel holiday break a few days before holiday break. Surely these fancy students have so many scarves in their wardrobe for a reason and that reason is probably “Colorado” or “Vermont.” Can’t wait to find out what the point of this weird plot device might be!

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Karma locates Felix hanging out by himself in a Grandpa sweater and tells him it’s time to begin wooing Amy ’cause we’re a mere two weeks away from the end of his No-Dating period. The End Of Felix’s No-Dating Period has arrived much sooner than I expected!

You know when you have that terrible date in your future that you’re dreading, like “the day taxes are due” or “the day you have to drive all the way to Warren so your doctor can make you feel bad about yourself”? That’s how I feel about The End of Felix’s No-Dating Period. It was so far away it almost didn’t exist, and I got through the days just forgetting that day would ever come, just pushing it right on out of my mind…. and now here it is! Right before our very eyes! My stomach hurts just thinking about it! I thought it would never come!

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Good news: Liam and Lauren have come together to institute mandatory labeling ’cause obviously they didn’t read Michelle Tea’s bizarre article in Cosmo last week. This new system will enable everybody to avoid offending each other by um… being really forthcoming about their identities? I cannot believe Lauren of all people is into this!

All I can say is it should be a lot easier for Amy to find another lesbian at this school once this system gets put into practice… but will it?

Shane’s concerned this’ll make Noah uncomfortable, because Shane thinks Noah’s problem is not being out. Then Noah strolls up proudly displaying his “Gay” label and also “Musician.” This throws Shane off. What could Noah be hiding if it isn’t his homosexuality? There’s only one way to find out: following him home. Which leads to Liam and Shane rolling up outside a building called “Fitz’s Place,” which is where Fitz and Olivia hook up on the weekends and also where Noah has friends who he hugs and says hi to.

Welp, it turns out that Fitz’s Place is a shelter for LGBTQ youth that is so well-funded that a guy walks over to their car and knocks on Shane’s window to ask if they need a bed. 

Shane: Uh sorry, I’m taken and he’s straight.
Liam: Wait — what is this place?
Guy: A homeless shelter for LGBTQ youth.
Liam: Oh, uh, sorry. Our mistake. Thanks.
Shane: So now he’s cheating with a bunch of homeless guys! [pause] OHHHHHHHHHH.

Yeah, so this is intense and also thankfully not where I thought this story was going!

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Amy’s front yard: much to absolutely nobody’s surprise, Karma thinks Felix’s best chance of snagging a New Year’s Eve date with Amy is to stand outside her window and PRETEND to play her a romantic tune on the guitar.

Karma will be hiding behind a tree playing the guitar herself to help Felix’s ploy. Alas, in a truly tragic turn of events, Farrah’s the only one subjected to a few lines of this undoubtedly epic ballad. She lets the kiddos know that Amy’s gone out for the evening with Sabrina. Felix and Karma are both sad, for different reasons.

Faking It Episode 307: What Dreams Of Fake Lesbianism May Come

Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about partial highlights, updos, and blowouts. Today’s episode, as always, is brought to you by MTV, the same channel that brought you The Greatest Party Show Ever.

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We do not open on the resplendent lawns of Hester Hippie High School, nor do we open on Karma’s bed, or in Amy’s room, under the boardwalk, out of the sea, or on a blanket with your baby. This opening contains none of those things. Instead, this opening consists of a grainy flashback, narrated by your favorite tomboy femme, Amy, not to be confused with Aimee, a friend of mine in middle school who’s room was so messy that you couldn’t see her floor, which stressed me out really bad. Anyhow! This show! This flashback! Ah yes, summer camp. Like many future lezzers, Amy LOVED hanging out in the woods, surrounded by women wearing practical shorts.

Camp Whateveriwawa is where Amy and Karma met Sabrina, who just moved to Austin, much to Amy’s delight and Karma’s apparent dislike. It’s unclear why Karma’s way less enthusiastic about Sabrina’s arrival than Amy is, maybe it’s ’cause Sabrina tells dumb jokes or because her and Amy can’t seem to keep their hands off each other.

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Lauren’s Bachelorette Pad In Purple: Liam wants to be very helpful! He loves being helpful. He loves getting mugs down off the shelf, and he loves rules, because there were no rules at Shane’s and there are lots of rules at Lauren’s. He loves the nice sheets, the potpourri in the bathroom, all of it, he just loves it! Also, he says something to suggest that Lauren isn’t “fun,” which she takes umbrage with.

In fact, if Lauren wanted Liam to move in, he’d be totally cool with it, even though that would mean I’d have to recap his scenes in entirety. Lauren, probably thinking mostly about what this means for me personally, will ponder the offer.

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Hester Hooligan High School: Shane’s wondering why Karma’s being so picky and antsy during their casting session for a third band member, and she admits she’s nervous about Amy and Sabrina hanging out without her. Turns out Sabrina, Karma and Amy were not “the three amigas” back at summer camp like Amy says they were. Although Sabrina was charming in Amy’s presence, she was sabotauging Karma at every turn! Striking her with a jump rope, saying mean things, etc. I mean… I think we all know what happens to girls who are irrationally posessive and controlling of their female best friends while they are young… THEY BECOME LESBIANS.

Karma insists she’s not just being possessive! Sabrina is a terrible person, really truly, and she’s just being real. Shane points out that Karma isn’t the same person she was at Camp, so maybe Sabrina has changed too, and Karma reluctantly agrees to give Sabrina a second chance. And look who shows up for an audition:

Shane tells Noah that his band is looking for guitar players, not “manipulative back-stabbers,” which’s funny because Shane and Karma are in the band. Karma says if Shane wants her to give Sabrina another chance, he should give Noah another chance, but Shane is determined to Say No to Noah.

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Elsewhere in this alleged academic institution, Amy and Sabrina remain inseparable, chatting about days gone by and joking around with Amy’s cool pal Felix, who Sabrina wants the FULL SCOOP on. Like are they dating? Amy says “long story short, nope.” Sabrina asks if there’s another dude-bro in the picture and I mean, thank lesbian Jesus, there is not. “A girl, actually,” says Amy, and Sabrina quickly apologizes, like, “you always talked about boys at camp! I just assumed. Man, that was Republican of me.”

Sabrina, on the other hand, has a long-distance boyfriend. That’ll definitely last! Anyhow, then Karma shows up, doing her very best to be excited about Sabrina and all three of them hanging out together just like the best best friends they have always truly been right?

Just as the girls are pondering where to passive-aggressively hang that evening, the lord delivers a blessing to their cell-phones in the form of Lauren proving that yes, indeed, she is LOTS of fun:

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All the invited guests arrive at the fiesta, and are very shocked to see that Liam is now inhabiting Lauren’s apartment, wearing an apron, and is ready to take their coats.

Also, Karma invited Noah. Also, Karma and Amy both draw red balls from the magic sorting sock, thus putting them on the same team, a situation which draws ire from their potential opponents, as clearly having two soulmates on the same team gives them a very unfair advantage. Thus, Karma’s jetted off to the other team, inspiring Sabrina to joke that her evil plan is working.

Game Night is underway, and it’s not going well for Team Blue. Karma’s too distracted thinking about Sabrina and Amy. Liam thinks drawing a circle on a piece of paper is a good way of making people guess “pizza.”

Everybody thinks Liam’s being Lauren’s bitch ’cause he wants them to recycle and was wearing an apron earlier and is being bossed around by Lauren. This offends Liam’s sense of himself as a powerful man, and probably also as a terrible artist. Shane twists the knife further, declaring that Liam is no houseguest — he’s obviously New Lisbeth. Felix, admittedly new to the scene, agrees. “Would New Lisbeth be helping Lauren hold auditions next week for a New Lisbeth?” asks Liam. “Yes, that’s exactly what New Lisbeth would do,” says everybody.

Faking It Episode 306 Recap: This Is Where The Kissing Usually Happens

Welcome to the sixth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about a 34-year-old weirdo who isn’t sure where all the wasps are coming from from the same network that brought you Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, a reality show I should’ve won, but did not. I didn’t even enter!

So, I just watched the mid-season trailer for Faking It. I have hope. I have seen it and I have hope! Heather watched it three times in a row.

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We open — where else? — on the resplendent, sunny, shiny, brilliantly radiant lawns of Hester High for Hooligans and Former Employees Of Houlihans. Amy’s experiencing sharp pains of annoyance and regret towards Lauren, who’s giving her world’s coldest shoulder. Probably even colder than a Penguin shoulder or a Polar Bear shoulder or the side-of-the-road shoulder that didn’t save my brother and I from careening off a slick winter highway in Bowling Green, Ohio in December of 2001, a situation we both survived, thank goddess.

Anyhow, Karma’s not that interested in Amy’s situation because she’s too busy watching Liam dump water over his burning hot man-bod. Amy says Karma’s gotta get over Liam since he’s dating Rachel Rabbiberg now, and maybe Karma should stop thinking about boyfriends and start thinking about boy friends with benefits. “I learned this summer that a steamy makeout session with a hot stranger can do wonders, it really reboots the hard drive,” says Amy, although this memory is unfortunately not accompanied with a flashback.

Good news: this weekend is Hester’s Haunted Halloween Hemrrhoid party. Everybody who goes hooks up! Sounds like what everybody told me college was gonna be like (BUT IT WASN’T.) Karma’s not gonna dress up like a slutty nurse all by her damn self, though — she’s only going if Amy’s going with her, and Karma assumes she won’t want to ’cause she’s “saving herself for Felix.” Amy insists this is not the case: she kissed him once, and then he went to rehab. so she’s totally a free agent and definitely not going to ruin my life (yet).

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Cut to Lauren’s Lair, a super-fancy apartment paid for by Daddy and patrolled by round-the-clock interns. Amy’s arrived with a muffin for her muffin (NOT THAT KIND OF MUFFIN) and begs Lauren to come to the Haunted Hoo-ha Party.

Lauren is very stubborn and refuses to go, and also is reluctant to admit that it’s not just her social media presence she requires interns for — it’s ’cause she is a tiny teenage girl in a big apartment all by herself and she probably is having nightmares about being kidnapped by Willow, like I did.

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So: Liam’s breakup with Rachel has helped Liam to see that he has no business being in this show anymore JUST KIDDING no business being in a relationship! Instead he just wants to dress up like a cave man and find a nice Betty Rubble to rock and roll with in a sexual way. Also, Shane’s Mom is chaperoning the dance wearing a Playboy bunny outfit and a wine bra. You ROCK IT, Shane’s Mom.

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Brew and Chew with Lew: Amy’s picking up a hot beverage from her local indie coffee establishment when who should she bump into but Felix, who she invites to the Haunted Hester Party.

Felix is surprised Amy’s attending this hook-up party when she should be sitting at home filling out Mad Libs with his name for every blank space and/or carving his name on her ankle with a needle. She insists she’s just being Karma’s Wing Man, which’s exactly what I’m gonna be for Halloween next year. Amy admits they’ve got a KILLER haunted house and that’s the real reason she’s going.

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Haunted Hester Hook-up House Party: Amy’s dressed as Lesbian Icon / Certified Wing-Woman Amelia Earhart. Karma’s going as Cleopatra, but Penelope Delia Fisher makes her change into a pre-approved costume because Karma’s not Egyptian so it’s culturally appropriative.

Shane is wearing something complicated and tells the ladies that the best way to party like they mean it at this particular event is to explore the Tunnel of Terror with a special somebody, make it through the rain, and then make out.

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Back at Lauren’s Cinderella Castle Condo, our heroine is frightened to learn that a blonde-teenager-killing serial killer is on the loose and whoever just knocked at her door ran away before she could see them and even though she has a gun in her purse she’d probably feel safer at The Ball.

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Hester Hullaballoo: who should Karma run into in the quick-change room but Liam! Apparently his caveman attire was rejected for promoting domestic abuse, so now he must dress up as a gay sailor.

He informs Karma that he’s no longer betrothed to Rachel, and Karma informs him that if her Dad hadn’t had a heart attack, she would’ve been right there to talk to him about their future together! But they’re interrupted before Liam has a chance to respond. DANGIT.

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If anybody is following along at home I have just murdered my SIXTH wasp of the day. Where are they coming from? If I die in my office today I want you to know it was the wasps. Anyhow, so, Shane introduces Amy — who’s sheepishly shoveling donut holes into her mouth — to Harper, a verified lady-loving lady who’d love to take Amy on a tour of the tunnel of terror! Not HER tunnel of terror, but THE tunnel of terror.

Faking It Episode 305 Recap: We’re Gonna Ask Diane To Be Our Girlfriend!

Welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of Faking It! I am continuing to write these recaps despite lower readership because you all made me feel so hilarious and appreciated last week when I said that maybe I should stop recapping. Including Autostraddle Captions Are Funny, who I was worried no longer found my captions funny. I mean I’ve had some pretty funny captions recently! I will, however, be breezing through the Liam/Shane parts. Oh by the way, this show is about Instant Rice and the futility of life, and it’s brought to you by the same network that brought you Is She Really Going Out With Him?

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We open in Amy’s boudoir, where she and Karma are lying together on the bed leafing through a trapper keeper with their upper arms touching. They’re catching up on all the things they didn’t say to each other this summer because Plot Device. Specifically: letters Karma never mailed and e-mails Amy never sent. Karma says her father’s brush with death made her realize how important it is to love your friends, especially the ones who want to have sex with you. She didn’t say that last part but it’s obvious that’s what she means.

Then Lauren busts in, sees the two girls canoodling on the bed and groans “here we go again!”  She then announces she’ll leave the TWO LOVEBIRDS ALONE before retreating to her bed where she’s video-chatting her Dad, who’s holed up in a No-Tell Motel eating lots of pizzas and Chinese food and then stacking the takeout containers on his bed and his bedside table.

Apparently, Bruce is coming to Austin this very weekend! How exciting! Amy pops in to apologize to Lauren for being too caught up in Karma lately to hang out, but before Lauren can announce loudly that she doesn’t care, Farrah pops in to borrow some pants so she can look hot in her Tinder pic, because apparently she plans on using a full-body pic on Tinder.

Lauren doesn’t care about Amy being super-busy with Karma, because Lauren’s totes brill and fine and chill and independent and stuff. She’s just frustrated that Lauren’s heading back down Karma’s rabbit hole when we all know what Amy really wants is a round-trip ticket through Karma’s vagina hole. Amy’s like, “Karma’s my BFF, but you’re my BFSister!” and Lauren’s like, “yeah kinda” and then they’re like “OH LET’S GET OUR PARENTS BACK TOGETHER.” Well it’s Lauren’s idea — getting their parents back together. But Amy kind of just floats into it and agrees to take part, as she so often does.

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Liam and his Jewish supervisor are hooking up in the back room and she wants to take things to the next level (S-E-X) and I don’t care!

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So Karma’s Dad is alive! Also, Karma’s Dad and Mom have a secret that’s been weighing heavily on their hearts and they need to open up their aura-hearts and soul-spaces and share what’s inside of them with their dearest daughter Karma to prevent anymore stress-related heart attacks.

What’s the big announcement? Welp: The Aschrofts are… POLY! This is totally on brand for them, as is the fact that they are currently dating a lady named Diane I love them. Karma says it’s all good, ’cause it’s totally on brand for Karma to pretend to be okay with things she’s actually not okay with at all and then to deal with her not-okayness by trying to sabotage the situation or just being generally passive-aggressive. But Karma’s so high on love and full of love right now — just chock-full of love for all the living things for as long as they all should live! — that her parents totally buy her faux-acceptance. In fact, they’d love for Karma to meet their potential girlfriend Diane this very evening!

Karma can’t meet Diane tonight nope she’s already got plans with Amy nope sorry bye!

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Brew and WhoCares: Liam isn’t concerned about Karma anymore ’cause now he’s dating a nice Jewish girl named Rachel and the Rabbi wants him to come over for dinner! With Shane! Who The Rabbi obviously thinks is Liam’s boyfriend.

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Chez Fawcett: Lauren and Amy are having a meeting of the Love Masterminds in which they re-explain their plan to get their parents back together to each other as a way of explaining it to the audience (That’s us! This is for us!). Here’s the plan: Farrah will be lured to a location via a fake Tinder date set up by Lauren and Amy. When she arrives, the Imaginary Tinder Date will not arrive, because he is imaginary, which will make Farrah sad.

THEN, New and Improved Stuffed Crust Bruce will swoop in and rescue Farrah from a potentially devastating evening. They’ll fall back in love and Texas two-step into the Tequila Sunrise.

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Liam and Shane show up to the Rabbi’s with a party-sub-sized challah and are met with a big surprise: Rachel Supervisorstein is the Rabbi’s daughter! I guess when her Dad said Liam and Shane were coming over for dinner, she must have thought he meant that OTHER Liam and Shane. On the other hand though I don’t really care.

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In Karmy’s bathroom love palace, Amy’s almost as amused about Diane as I am. “My parents are in a thruple with a woman named Diane,” laments Karma. “And yes, before you say anything I do realize the irony of this happening to a girl who has had two almost-threesomes.”  It’s always a bummer to find out your parents are more sexually adventurous than you are! Actually, no, it’s always a bummer to find out your parents do anything sexual, period. Full stop.

So, it turns out that Karma was just pretending to be cool about Diane so that her Dad wouldn’t die. Also her shirt has no shoulders, so her shoulders are probably cold. Speaking of cold shoulders, that’s what she’s given to her parents even though she didn’t ACTUALLY have plans with Amy tonight. Instead, she’s inviting herself to Amy’s Parent Trap Project. Lauren’s not excited about this development.

Karma says she can help and Lauren says all she’s gotta do is just not fuck it up by causing drama. Hey speaking of, guess who else is at Swingfest?!! It’s Molly and Lucas!

Molly and Lucas “misunderstood what kind of swing fest it was,” which, I mean, is fucking adorable. Oh and guess who else is here?!!!! IT’S DIANE!! DIANE IS SO EXCITED TO MEET KARMA AND KARMA IS NOT EXCITED TO MEET DIANE. I’m excited to meet Diane, though, so. Somebody’s gotta be excited about Diane.

Faking It Episode 304 Recap: Can Anybody Find Amy Somebody To Love?

Welcome to the fourth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show that was supposed to be about lesbians but isn’t, from the network that brought you my favorite show of all time I Want a Famous Face. This week Amy is going to make a documentary, so I had Grace prepare this inspirational graphic for you:

So guys. Should I keep recapping this show every week? Do you still care? Do you still look forward to this situation? Could I be doing something else with my time and just throwing a mini-cap into the Boobs Tube unless Amy kisses a girl? Because here’s the thing:

You may notice the biggest dip happened between Season 2A (which ended in November 2014 with Episode 210) and Season 2B (which began September 2015 with Episode 211). What happened between 2A and 2B besides an entire year of your lives? Well, I think that’s when we found out that Amy wasn’t going to be a lesbian after all, instead the show wanted to explore her sexual fluidity, champion the abandonment of labels (just for Amy though, not for Shane!) and leave Amy’s options open w/r/t dating men. As I’ve said a million times, this is of course a realistic and honest journey that many people can relate to and everybody is entitled to be proud of their label or eschew labels altogether, but there are already plenty of shows out there about girls dating boys. Like pretty much all of them. Yet somehow the most liberal high school in Texas has yet to offer up even ONE girl for Amy. I don’t care what her sexual orientation is as long as she dates girls on this show, okay? Just make Amy date girls. Thank you. And don’t forget that Emily Fields did eventually get to have sex with Allison before she became chaste forever!

Faking It has been doing a really good job with exploring other LGBTQ identities — Lauren is the first intersex character I remember seeing on television since a two-episode arc on Freaks & Geeks, and this week they introduced a queer trans guy. But so far this season, Amy’s love life has been a non-starter, just more of the same Karma/Amy can-we-be-friends thing. I hope this turns around soon.

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We open with the most lesbianish scene of the whole episode, in which Amy has a large power tool and is using it to make or make an impact of some sort on, I believe, a chair. When she’s done I’m gonna sit on the chair and yell MORE LESBIAN SEX while throwing dried cherries at the wall.

Amy: “I learned a lot about refinishing furniture with all the lesbians this summer.”

Meanwhile, Lauren’s facing a spiritual and social media crisis because her (now fired) New Lisbeth tweeted that Elisabeth Hassleback was Lauren’s spirit animal, which is offensive to Native Americans. (Also to Team Rosie.) Amy’s got an idea to turn this whole situation around: she and Lauren should make a documentary!

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Good news at Karma’s: her parents found the missing half of her Best Friends heart necklace!  Bad news: Karma doesn’t care ’cause she’s got no hope for an Amy/Karma reunion. She’d rather mope around and play music and then meet Shane for coffee.

Karma throws her half of the heart necklace into the garbage can even though she should’ve re-used it to make art. That’s what Liam would’ve done.

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Back at Chez Fawcett, Lauren and Amy are prepping to begin shooting the documentary when who should arrive out of the blue but FELIX!

Farrah is pleased as punch to have the opportunity to present Felix to her progeny, as she clearly still hopes Amy could fall in love with a man and have his babies and make meatloaf or whatever.  “Even after a rehab reveal, your Mom still roots for me,” said Felix. No surprise there!

My intensely negative feelings about this development aside, I have to admit that I like Felix’s personality better than Karma’s. But also he kinda reminds me of my friend’s husband who was bisexual and had a British accent and was very nice, so I’ve sort of conflated them in my mind. Anyhow! Amy wants to know if he’s free tonight but he says he can’t date anyone for six months. It’s a recovery rule. But she wasn’t asking him on a date, silly! She just wants him to help her shoot her documentary! He says okay.

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Cut to The Bohemian Surf Shack Coffee Shop Java the Hut, which now employs Liam Booker for some reason and decorates with those little fake lanterns you can get at IKEA for $3.

Shane is admiring a dude with a British accent playing a crappy song on his guitar. I can tell you one thing about this fellow: he isn’t Tegan and/or Sara.

Although the show does not reveal this information to us, I have been made aware that this new character, Noah, is a trans guy, and he’s being played by an actual trans guy actor, and he is the result of last year’s search for trans actors! I predict that Shane and him are going to have a thing and Shane is gonna freak out about him being trans.

Liam brings Shane his drink, but then when Liam gets up to go back to work he takes the drink with him? I don’t know what that’s all about, but I’ll tell you what it’s NOT about: lesbians. Also not about lesbians: Shane thinks Liam’s supervisor has a crush on him, which’s probably true. Then Karma shows up and says she’s fine. She’s lying. Shane says Karma should do the Open Mic!

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Chez Fawcett: Amy wants to make an intense documentary about being an intersex role model. Lauren wants to make a reality show about lip gloss with lots of product placement.

Amy thinks Lauren should really focus on the reason she’s got so many social media followers to begin with: pictures of her boobs. No just kidding: being intersex. Lauren gets upset and leaves, and Felix says it’s clear that what Lauren needs in order to get out of her shell and show her true self is One Special Person who can Just Listen and Won’t Judge. (I think she’s talking about me!!!)

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Chew & Brew: Karma and Shane are doing the Open Mic together like two peas on a pod except instead of peas, they’re PEOPLE, and instead of a pod, they’re on a stage!

They’re pretty good, despite not being Tegan and/or Sara, and that’s good news for many reasons, especially this one: this open mic wasn’t JUST an open mic, y’all. This open mic was also A CONTEST!

Turns out that Shane and Karma’s band, Ze & Zim, are on their way to the grand contest extravaganza tomorrow night, where they might win $5,000! Their competition is going to be a band called “Noah’s Ark,” which unfortunately is not a spin-off band from the television show Noah’s Arc nor is it a bunch of animals and wives on a boat. It’s that guy Noah! He clearly also likes Shane. Also Noah tells Shane that if he wants to win, then HE should be the lead singer, not Karma. This is terrible advice and also Noah is “the competition,” but Shane listens to him anyway because Shane is inclined to believe people who think he is the greatest.

Also Liam is still into Karma. Shane heads over to Karma’s with a brand new plan for the battle of the bands. It involves Shane being the lead singer, a full band, and cover songs. Karma’s not into it but also is stuck.

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Faking It Episode 303 Recap: I Love Everybody Being Totally Over Me!

Welcome to the third recap of the third season of Faking It, a YouTube tutorial series about how to achieve smoky bedroom eyes on a budget from the network that brought you Snooki & JWowww.

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Once upon a time in a land far, far away, before Karma embarked on a musical career that included instrumental odes against free iPads and backyard ballads to win her best friend back, there was “Hump Day.”

Hump Day, a video clearly inspired by Rebecca Black’s “Friday,” is the video Amy and Lauren were talking about leaking last week. The video is full of fun ephemera: Karma with Marcia Clark curls, Karma crawling on a desk in a short skirt, Karma oozing about “Hump Day” in a belly-dancer costume in front of a giant plastic camel, Karma with braces, etc.

It’s already a Viral Hit on the interwebs!

Liam feels sorry for Karma, which Shane thinks is ’cause Liam isn’t over Karma. Let’s just talk about who is or isn’t over Karma forever and ever and ever and ever and ever! Let’s never talk about anything else! (Except for how Amy slept with Liam that one time. Let’s make room to talk about that, too.)

The kids at school have lots to say about this video, ’cause even Yarn Arts enthusiasts who only eat twigs and gluten-free cornbread and believe in horticulture aren’t above some good old-fashioned totally un-funny bullying at Karma’s expense.

Thanks to Karma’s morning meditation with Dylan, she’s able to say that she is completely Zen about the whole thing! She’s lying, of course, but Dylan believes her ’cause he’s a tool.

Karma confronts Amy on the resplendent lawn of Hester High but it quickly becomes a Karma/Lauren battle rather than a Karma/Amy battle. Lauren says it’s impossible for Amy to get over Karma when Karma keeps luring her back in, like that time she kissed her in the pool! But Karma was drunk! Lauren wants to know why Karma thinks everything is somebody else’s fault! Karma wants everybody to know that obviously Lauren is just trying to make her the villain so she can keep Amy to herself! Amy is like, “No, you are the villian though.”

“You want a villian? You’re gonna get one,” says Karma, storming off in her tiny shorts.

None of this bothers Shane, though, ’cause Shane is Switzerland. He’s cool, neutral and very expensive. Therefore, he refuses to take sides, even when Karma attempts to bring him over to the dark side by feeding him trash Amy allegedly talked about him.

Cut to Sustainability Class, where Amy and Liam are so excited to be lab partners. However, this situation does provide Amy with a crucial bit of information: Karma was telling the truth about Zita! Zita kissed HER, not the other way around. Liam confirms it, so it must be true.

Amy heads off to tell Karma she’s sorry, because love means having to say you’re sorry a lot. Lauren pleads with her to NOT apologize, I mean, don’t forget the pool kiss! But Amy knows that if she’s truly over Karma, the pool kiss shouldn’t matter. Am I right, ladies?

Unfortunately, Amy’s plan is thwarted when she turns the corner and faces a hallway strewn with papers. It’s like everybody got their Hogwarts letter on the same day, which’d be a big blow to Hester, but I think that Penelope would be okay because she wants her children to follow their dreams. Turns out that these papers are pages Karma ripped out of Amy’s top-secret diary, chock-full with scenes like “sex dreams about Karma” and “motel stakeouts with Lo-Lo.” I think the only thing scarier to me than everybody reading my diary is not having all my diary pages in order in the diary itself in a drawer in my room for me to read and write in.

Faking It Episode 302 Recap: Is The Universe Telling Karma and Amy To Make Up?

Welcome to the second recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about people who always order a savory breakfast item along with a sweet breakfast item, from the same network that brought you Rod Drydeck’s Fantasy Factory. 

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We open in the resplendent parking lot of Hester Hippie High School for Hash and The Humans Who Smoke It, where Intern Baked Zita is dropping Liam off for his first day of school… but not without a little exposition first!

Here’s the scoop for the 2-3 people who give a shit: Liam crashed with Zita all summer, Zita thinks Liam should go to private school and/or the Maldives, Liam gives Zita multiple “pleasures,” Liam’s taking Bar Mitzvah classes to feel closer to his Dead Dad.

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It’s a brand new year at Hester How High School, and everything’s gonna be extra sustainable, like the children will grow arugula in their bellybuttons and adopt baby harp seals and then release them into the wild or whatever.

Also, Lauren and Amy are glued at the hip.

Karma walks into the cafeteria wearing a failed art project from Spartacus 101 and Amy spots her sad demeanor cross-caf and blames herself for it. Lauren thinks Amy should leak “that tape” of Karma, thus ensuring Karma will flee Hester in favor of home-schooling. What tape, you may ask? Probably a Hulk Hogan Sex Tape, but I’m sure time will tell. Also, Lauren reminds Amy that she owes Karma zero apologies.

Elsewhere in this small room, Karma’s stupid boyfriend has noticed that Karma’s exuding “intense energy” and no longer feels like the “chill girl” he met that summer. Ugh, Danny Zuko dealt with this same exact problem!

Much to nobody’s surprise, Karma lies to Dylan and tells him everything is “all good.” Meanwhile, it seems Liam has rescued some palettes from the Kroger parking lot, smeared some paint all over them, and attached them to the wall. Karma is impressed!

Karma: Liam Brooker, what can’t you do with a paintbrush?
Liam: Bring my dead Dad back to life.

Okay, somebody’s being a total Deb, and Laneia should probably give him the speech she gave me about how it makes people uncomfortable when I make jokes about my dead Dad and I need to stop. I mean, Liam isn’t joking. But he should be, ’cause it works much better as a joke! Just saying. LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN, GRASSHOPPERS.

Liam accidentally butt-dials Zita as he’s mooning to Karma about his Bar Mitzvah classes and Karma’s mooning about how Judaism is her fave religion of all the pan-spiritual religions she has worshipped/studied at the Old Country Buffet of Demi-Gods and Liam’s just so happy to talk to somebody who “gets it”!  This statement makes Zita want to barf. But also… she’s like sitting in a lawn chair in the Maldives or something so whatever, if she barfs I’m sure a dolphin will eat it.

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Intern Baked Zita, despite the stains and spills implied by her name, is hosting a white party this weekend! Lauren wants to go, ’cause there’s gonna be tigers.

Shane really wants Amy and Karma to rekindle their friendship and watch the premiere of Dance Moms together so he won’t have another awkard moment in the cafeteria where he can’t decide if he wants to sit with Karma, Amy, or one of the five extras hired to fill out the scene. Sometimes the extras are really hot, and these decisions can be very hard to make.

What will Shane do to meet his goal of getting Karmy and Amy back together (as friends)??? He’ll lie, of course! While Karma is giving him a haphazard holistic Hester High foot rub, Shane waxes poetic about Amy’s deep desire to apologize and for them to make up at Zita’s White Party. Also if you’re drinking along at home, Karma  somehow manages to work Amy sleeping with Liam back into the conversation again.

Amy, initially hesitant to attend a party dedicated to clothes that do not hold up when spilled upon, is eager to let loose and shake her caboose as soon as she learns, via Shane’s lying lies and the liar who tells them, that Karma’s gonna be there and wants to apologize.

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Cut to: The White Party!

Oh whoops, WRONG WHITE PARTY! That’s from a white party that had actual lesbian action at it. Here’s our snoozefest hetero white party:

(“i’m just assuming you’re going to want a few screencaps from the L Word white party episode, so i’m downloading that right now” – Grace, in the email containing the Faking It screencaps for this episode)

Due to Shane’s manipulation and Lauren’s commitment to living her Best Life on Instagram, brand-new Bosom Buddies Lauren and Amy have come to the white party, which Amy notes is “a lot less racist” than she expected.

Dylan is really loving this party and its cool vibe, but Karma’s too obsessed with casting gentle glances in Amy’s direction to care about Dylan’s cool vibes. But before we can talk too much about Dylan reminding me of that guy Ian who lived above John Cusack in High Fidelity, Zita grabs the mike to announce that this white party isn’t just a marketing opportunity for Tide To-Go pens… it’s also LIAM BOOKER’S SURPRISE BAR MITZVAH WHITE PARTY!

SORRY WRONG WHITE PARTY AGAIN. It’s Liam Booker’s Surprise Bar Mitzvah White Party!

The thing is though… you can’t actually have a “surprise Bar Mitzvah”? That’s like having a surprise beauty pageant, it’s not like everybody showed up with evening-wear, tap shoes and a baton. You know who has “Surprise Bar/Bat Mitzvahs”? 12-year-old Jews with upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, in their NIGHTMARES.

Anyhow, Zita just wants Liam to know that she “gets it,” which’s why she’s totally disregarded the possibility of a Torah Portion in favor of plates piled high with gelt (a chocolate candy generally used only at Hanukkah by Dreidel-playing kids) and yamachas for the whole family!

But the real action at this white party is happening between Amy and Karma, who keep catching each other’s eyes across the semi-crowded room, yearning to reach out and reconcile, eagerly awaiting the other’s imminent surrender. At last, the two ladies find each other and stand, face-to-face in white.

Faking It Episode 301 Recap: Summer Lovin’ Had Them A Blast

Welcome to the first recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about teenagers with a passion for savoury tarts and lemon drizzle cakes from the network that brought you The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

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We open on a resplendent late summer afternoon, where a newly confident Amy is rehearsing her Hi Karma I’m Back speech for the Manic Panic Pussy Explosion Vans Warped Tour.

Amy’s learned a lot this summer; like that lots of queer girls fall for their best friends, and that it’s always fun to kiss girls with tongue!

Amy’s apparent new lady-lover bids adieu, as she’s got to head back to Portland because OF COURSE SHE DOES. The rest of the Jawbreakers wish Amy good luck with her tiny life in the Blue Oasis and remind her that she’s got nothing to apologize for. Aw, queer friends!

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Amy proceeds gallantly to the local pool, where Karma and Shane are teaching water aerobics to a motley crew of senior citizens. Yup, Karma and Shane are besties now: sharing diet sodas, scooping toddler excrement from the kiddie pool, and undoubtedly telling each other lies for no real reason.

When it comes to Amy’s return, though, Karma’s about as lukewarm as urine in a swimming pool, wholly unexcited to see her alleged bestie while wholly invested in seeming like she’s cool and perfect and everything’s all good. Apparently Amy went “off the grid” all summer which sounds both terrifying and improbable.

Amy begins her Return to Karma speech, but it’s mercilessly interrupted by wild children with squirt guns. Karma declines Amy’s request for what would undoubtedly be a thrilling Girls Night watching ParaNorman and eating Chunky Monkey. She’s got a Lifeguard Bonfire thing to go to. “We’ll text!” Karma says in a voice that implies “We’ll never text.”

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Chez Fawcett. Lauren’s inspirational speech at the school board went viral and — and! — she even had the honor of being an unpaid guest on HuffPost Live, which means Lauren and I have something in common. Except that I was on HuffPost Live to talk about scissoring, and I can only dream of a day when Lauren would be on HuffPost Live to talk about scissoring.

Amy says she’s grown and changed this summer but Lauren disagrees due to Amy’s continued insistence on talking about Karma all the time. Also, Amy still feels sexually fluid and doesn’t want to label herself and this summer she learned that she didn’t have to, probably from reading Elle Magazine. It’s almost as if Amy is choosing her identity based on something besides my personal desire for her to be a lesbian. UGH.

Oh and also Lauren’s holding auditions for a new Elizabeth to accompany her to the Lifeguard L Word Luau that evening. You know, the one Amy wasn’t invited to. Lauren’s calling it a “Friendternship” which is kind of what I did to Grace.

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Hipster Coffee Truck Shop For Java and Jams: Liam’s dumb ‘ol face is fresh and inspired after a refreshing summer jetting around the globe with his new girlfriend, Baked Zita. Also, Liam found his Dad! Also, Liam’s Dad is dead. Also, Liam is Jewish!  So there are two things I have in common with Liam: Dead Dads and Judaism. L’Chaim!

Shane admits he’s real good friends with Karma now, which doesn’t bother Liam one lil bit ’cause he’s totally moved on. Despite this assurance, Shane lies when Liam asks if he wants to hang out that night, saying he’s gotta count dildos with his Mom when we all know he’s going to World’s Best Baywatch Bonfire. Everybody’s going! It’s the Party of the Summer! Of course, that lie gets busted the second Amy shows up begging Shane to take her to the Lifeguard Luxury Party of the Summer so she can talk to Karma about their friendship. I know what you’re thinking — is a Lifeguard Bonfire really the best place to have a friendship conversation? To which I will remind you that Amy’s constantly at risk of being shot by a stray bullet after getting in a car accident and has to gather her friendship conversation rosebuds while she may, or whatever.

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Chez Fawcett: Lauren’s about to pick her new friendtern from the assembled gaggle of humans Lauren considers to be freaks and geeks when a late applicant bursts through the door, looking very gender-normative and like she can afford expensive hair products. Lauren picks her right on the spot!

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Lifeguard Beach Bonfire Shirtless Gala: Shane and Karma are hosting a campfire sing-a-long and Liam and Amy are lurking like creeps. Amy notes that a bunch of strangers in their bathing suits drinking alcohol is kind of her worst nightmare. Speaking of worst nightmares, meet Dylan:

Dylan is from Hawaii, thinks Shane has perfect nipples, and enjoys surfing the waves of Karma’s mouth with his tongue and mouth!

Karma tells a petulant Amy that she didn’t invite Amy to the Lifeguard Beverly Beach Club Summer Bash-a-thon ’cause she knows strangers in their bating suits drinking alcohol is kind of her worst nightmare, but Guess What, Karma? The New Amy loves bathing suit parties! And strangers! Oh and…. Karma didn’t mention her boyfriend earlier ’cause she didn’t want Amy to have feelings and need to leave town again.

Amy: That’s the thing! I don’t have those feelings anymore. After a summer apart I am 100% over you.
Karma: [sarcastically] YAY!
Amy: Now we can get back on track, isn’t this great news?

Yeah, kinda, whatever, totally, sure! But Karma’s BUSY, she’s at a very important Summer Beach Bonfire party, so maybe they could have this heart-to-heart another time and Amy can enjoy a party of one. It’s ALL GOOD!

Liam and Amy are both experiencing pangs of sadness and confusion regarding Karma and Shane’s budding friendship.

Lauren brings her new friend Erica and her runner-up to the Lifeguard Life-Magic Ladyparty, but quickly learns that Erica ALSO has instagram followers and is ALSO looking to build her personal brand and Lauren only has room for one brand in her life and that brand is Lauren.

Guess what else happened this summer! GUESS WHAT ELSE! Okay I’ll tell you: Dylan and Shane and Karma jumped off a cliff! Unfortunately, they landed in a body of water. Amy thinks Karma probably barfed ’cause she’s afraid of heights, but the New Karma is not afraid of heights. New Karma’s not afraid of heights!

New Karma isn’t letting her “childhood issues” impede her desire to use marijuana either, which by the way, Amy ALSO tried this past summer but it made her “more paranoid than Fox News.” What if when you take away “explaining each other to other people” and “protecting each other from allergic reactions and psychological triggers,” all that’s left of this friendship is hate-watching Twilight and sexual tension?

Everybody at this party is insufferable, by the way. Like there’s a bro everybody calls Squid, and everybody calls Karma “starfish” and I think somebody else is called “stingray” and Squid refers to his buddies as “guarders of life” and Squid dedicates his anchor tattoo to them and has ink for everybody! Jeff Spicoli could swim very slow laps around these fools.

Amy’s still being Captain SoMuchFun:

Amy: You made me promise to try and stop you if you ever tried to get a tattoo.
Karma: And you did! Thank you for your service. You are hereby honorarily discharged.

This is kind of the age for these things to happen, though — you were kids, and now you’re not, and who you hang out as teenagers with sometimes depends way too much on exactly what you’re willing to drink or which drugs you’re interested in trying and how comfortable you are with various misdemeanors. Generally, it’s a lot easier to watch your best friend or your girlfriend grow and change when you’re still on solid ground — when you’re not, every change, even the good ones, can feel like drifting apart, and holding on too tight can feel a lot like refusing to let somebody be themselves, as shifty and erratic as that definition might be. Karma and Amy bump up against this time and time again, like when Karma decided she wanted to be a drunken party girl and when Karma wasn’t excited about painting ceramic unicorns.

Faking It Episode 220 Recap: The Track Is Just a Loop That Runs Straight Through My Heart

Welcome to the 20th recap of the second season of Faking It, a daytime drama about riding lawnmower enthusiasts from the network that brought you Kevin Seal, Sportin’ Fool.

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We open in Amy’s room, where she’s agonizing over what Karma was thinking when she seductively kissed Amy in her backyard pool with all her clothes on. Unfortunately, Amy doesn’t have certified Yoda Shane McCutcheon around to help her process and must settle for Shane Harvey, who points out that it could mean Karma’s got deep repressed feelings for Amy… but on the other hand, “she was a drunk girl at a party, and kissing you for attention is kind of what she’s known for.”

Amy says it was different this time ’cause nobody was watching. You know, that age-old philosophical query: If a straight girl kisses another girl and nobody is paying attention enough to notice it, does it make a sound?

Whatever, it’s time to wake up Karma with a pillow-wap to the face and get the scoop straight from the source!

Welp: Karma remembers showing her nipples, letting the soccer team do shots on her stomach and dancing on a table… but after that it’s a blank space, baby.

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Chez Fawcett Living Room: Amy’s scrubbing the carpet Cinderella-style while Lauren barks that their parental units will be back very soon. Amy blames the party on Lauren’s irrepressible urge to have intercourse with a tool but before they can squabble any further, Farrah and Bruce show up! Apparently Farrah hasn’t noticed the missing gnomes yet.

They’ve got big news for the girls: they’re getting divorced! This is the same thing my parents did to me y’all, it’s a very sneaky move! Lauren, despite just hearing she can return to Dallas and spend her life wiling away the hours at Sue Ellen’s, is speechless. Amy, meanwhile, is in a hot panic: how can they send Lauren back now when she’s got a life here?? HOW? Farrah tells Lauren she can stay in Austin as long as her little heart desires. Lauren’s silent face is the story of a girl who would like to go maybe at least two days without another major shock to her system? Even one day would be neat, just one day between surprises. Maybe an entire episode where nothing upsetting happens? Oh and Farrah calls Lauren “the daughter I never had.” Ouch.

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Liam’s found a new place to crash: in the open arms and welcoming bosom of Intern Zita, who’s surprised to hear that Liam’s more upset that Shane called him a “Booker” than he is about Amy and Karma’s Water Tongue Polo.

“A Booker is a rich self-involved asshole who uses money to get what they want,” explains Liam, who is luckily only half-Booker ’cause his unknown Dad isn’t a Booker. Intern Zita is pretty sure that Liam’s real Dad is out there saving the forests and donating to Autostraddle, though.

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Lauren’s unhappy that Amy wants Lauren to stay in Austin with her cheating step-mother, Tommy the Tool, her Ex the Narc and the lazy liberals of Blue Oasis Cesspool of Dishonesty High. Lauren preferred Dallas, where nobody knew she was Intersex, to Austin, where everybody does know and is okay with it, except Tommy, because Tommy is a tool.

Felix shows up to school with bumps and scratches on his noggin and Amy’s concerned about this turn of facial events — he tells her that he crashed the car and will be heading to rehab. Turns out that Felix is an alcoholic (Amy: “But you’re only 16!” Felix: “What can I say, I’m an overachiever.”), his Mom was too, and last night was his Dad’s worst nightmare.

Amy apologizes ’cause it was her party that got him into this mess. He apologizes for spilling his guts, saying that, “in my experience drunk people say and do the things they wish they could do when they’re sober.” Like… he meant it when he told Amy he really liked her. Amy says “I really like you, too.” But it wasn’t enough, ultimately. Reagan was able to distract Amy from Karma for a few months but Felix couldn’t do it for even a few minutes. They chastely hug goodbye, and Felix and his storyline disappear into the sunset.

Yup, that’s the ending of the Felix and Amy storyline! Felix is leaving the show. This whole exploration of whether or not Amy is a lesbian or bisexual or somewhere in between or nowhere near figuring it out, and the show’s set-up of Felix as part of that journey, has ended with a massive creative cop-out.

My reading of Amy has been that Amy is a Kinsey 5 but is (consciously or not) using Felix or the possibility of Men In General to distract herself from her unrequited feelings for Karma, but many others have read the show differently, sensing Amy is definitely bisexual and feels a genuine connection to Felix and Men In General. Others feel that it’s impossible for Amy — or any viewers — to know where she’s at just yet. All of these readings are valid and there’s evidence on all sides, of course. I’ve been surprised by how viscously fans of the show have been attacking each other based on what they perceive to be the absolute truth about the sexual orientation of these characters, though. The writing on the show is inconsistent, yet we continue shooting the messengers. Womp WOMP.

[ETA: Apparently Felix will be returning for Season Three, which means I have to admit to y’all that even though from a creative perspective, him leaving is a cop-out, the possibility of this storyline continuing into Season Three makes me want to drown myself in a pool of Crystal Clear Pepsi.]

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Lockerville. Karma runs to catch up with The Booker to apologize for snapping at him while she was ham-boned at the big fiesta. Liam says that wasn’t her only mistake last night, like what about that kiss? She’s blubbering around to apologize to him for kissing him when Liam interrupts her — it’s not me you kissed, Karma Chameleon, it’s Amy.

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Karma leaves her chat with Liam a disheviled damsel just as Principal Turner pops up on the iPad to inform his students that he’s been unable to save them from themselves and will be recommending the School Board shut Hester High down, which’d require relocating all their stoned performance artists to other schools. I’m in favor of this if it means Amy might end up at a school with lesbians and bisexual women in it.

The children are aghast, but not Lauren. “Not my school, not my problem,” she declares to her minions before abandoning them with their unsigned yearbooks.

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Elsewhere on this anarchy of a campus, Amy runs to Karma to complain about the shutdown but Karma wants to apologize for The Kiss. You know — The Kiss!

Wait wrong “The Kiss.” This “The Kiss”:

WAIT WRONG “THE KISS,” THIS ONE:

Don’t worry, Karma’s got it all figured out:

Karma: “I know what you’re thinking, and you’re totally right.”
Amy: “I am?”
Karma: “I am the worst best friend ever. I am so so sorry. You were there for me when I was spinning out and I go and I do the worst thing I could possibly do. I wish I could take it back! I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Amy: [lying] “That’s what I figured.”
Karma: “But listen, I promise I’m gonna make it up to you!”

Unfortunately, Karma’s idea of making it up to Amy does not involve oral sex, getting matching Gal Pal t-shirts, hate-watching Lost & Delirious while sharing a tub of Whirled Peace or shacking up at A-Camp.

Karma’s make-up plan is “The Summer of Karma and Amy,” three months with no Liam and no Reagan to distract either of them from their thriving best friendship with overriding sexual tension! They’ll get right back on track, promises Karma! I mean, first they’ve gotta figure out how to keep Hester open because, as Karma points out while driving a stake through Amy’s heart, “We’re spending the rest of our lives together and that includes school days, right?” Amy nods and looks unhappy.

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A committee of club chairpeople have assembled to discuss The Shutdown of Blue Oasis Holy Mother Ellen DePortia High School For Youths Who Wear Scarves In Texas.

Liam: What’s your plan? Get dirt on the swing vote and threaten to out her?
Shane: Well, yeah. What’s yours? Sleep with her sister?

Liam suggests a peaceful protest. They take a vote and Tommy’s the only one on Shane’s side (“I’ve been blackmailed by Shane before. It works.”). Obviously nobody here is caught up on Scandal or Empire. Now they’ve just gotta decide whether they should yarn-bomb, do an immersive theater piece, or make really clever signs.

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None of this concerns Lauren, of course, ’cause she’s too busy packing up for Dallas and catching up on the hot goss with her besties Launa and Leslie.

But, as so often happens to newly progressive human beings who dare to call home —

Leslie: “Oh and ew, remember Mr. Flint? He’s now — wait for it — Mrs. Flint.”
Launa: “A transistor? I think it’s trans… former?”
Lauren: [frustrated] “TransGENDER.”
Leslie: Whatever it is, it’s gross. We’re trying to get him-her fired
Lauren: “I don’t really think it’s gro–“

But before Lauren can finish her sentence, Launa interrupts with big news: Misty was dance captain but now she’s preggo and that means Lauren can come back and be dance captain for a bunch of transphobic assholes! Maybe she can teach them how to high kick themselves in the face.

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School Board Meeting. Hester High has turned up loaded with regalia and performances and original yarn art to persuade the suits to keep their school cool for the endless summer. Even Karma shows up, which pleases Liam. She tells Liam that keeping Blue Oasis Hummus High open is more important than all their differences.

Unforuntaely, shortly after Liam takes the stand to testify that Blue Oasis Cornhole Pie High In The Sky is the only school that would’ve let him have sex with an alleged lesbian in a tent and call it “art” and therefore should be open forever, the suits remind them that they’ve only got five minutes to make their case. Karma furiously texts Amy — where is she? She’s going to miss Taming Of The Shrew Who Wants To Shut Down This School!

Oh, NBD. She’s just at Reagan’s.

Or should I say… Reagan and Heather’s?

Faking It Episode 219 Recap: You’re Not That Kind Of Girl OR ARE YOU

Welcome to the 19th recap of the second season of Faking It, an educational program about turning scrap metal into puppets from the network that brought you Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica.

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We open on the Walk Down the Hallway of Shame, starring Karma and Shane, who appear to have suffered some extreme inclement weather and have also forgotten how to button shirts and wear shoes. I wonder what happened in that hotel room! Probably hijinks. You know kids these days.

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Cut to Karma’s bohemian outdoor shower, which she emerges from to find Amy, bearing lattes and an apology for over-reacting. After all, Amy admits, it’s not like Karma would ever go through with a ridiculous threesome!

Karma: Wow, thanks Amy, coffee and slut-shaming is such a nice way to start the day!

Karma says the threesome was a fun-filled event involving lots of kissing. Lots of it! So much partial-nudity and lip-smushing. If it was possible for humans to grow plants by kissing, these three would’ve created a modest container garden.

Like between Karma and Shane, for example. There was some Sharma kissing. In fact, Shane kissed Karma and said, “now I know why everybody’s in love with you.” Amy calls bullshit on that tale, so Karma starts over. In this story, Karma and Shane reluctantly swap spit, decide to pretend like the other is Channing Tatum, hop into bed and enjoy an all-night romp that has left Karma a little sore in the neck!

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Back at Shane’s House of Shame, Liam wakes up next to Sasha and tries to bolt before Shane gets home but lo and behomo, here he is with donuts and lattes.

Shane wasn’t okay with Liam/Sasha before, but after spending the whole night banging Karma, he knows it’d be hypocritical of him to stick to that position.

In Shane’s recap of the terrible threesome, Karma kissed Shane and said, “Wow, I’ve always wanted to conquer a gay guy.” Liam calls bullshit on that tale, so Shane starts over. In this version, Karma compliments his kissing, Shane says he’s good at more things than just kissing — and Liam’s gotta go fuck Sasha in the shower BYE!

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Back at the Hipster Tofu Scramble Ginger Tea Cafe, Lizbeth and Leila gush over Lauren and Bobby’s triumphant dance at Lauren Junior Prom Under the Sea, and Lizbeth announces that she went all the way last night! That’s right: she had The Sex.

Who would’ve thought that Lizbeth would’ve been the first of their threesome to have sex? Not Lauren, which’s why this confession inspires her to chat up Tommy, commanding him to come over that evening for sexual intercourse. This has been a confusing week for Tommy, hasn’t it.

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Felix’s Bedroom. Amy’s obsessing over Karma’s impending downward spiral: Karma’s had a very hard year and she’s living in a juice truck and clearly hasn’t attended class since before the show’s premiere and this sexual experimentation is surely her first step down the water slide towards opiate addiction, unplanned pregnancy, and huffing computer duster on a shoplifted scooter.

Felix suggests they skip the horror movie in Amy’s head in exchange for seeing a horror movie at the movies! Little does he know that Felix and Amy going on a date to see a horror movie is precisely how I would define “horror movie” to myself.

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Chez Fawcett, later that evening. The parents are away on a couples’ retreat and Lauren’s wearing a football jersey and high heels and is ready to do the horizontal mambo with her #1 Man…

…when it turns out that her #1 Man has invited like seventy other men to her house… and uh, a keg… and a bunch of women! Lots of beer!

Oh, and also: Karma! She says the party invite was all over tumblr. Probably under the #Karmy tag.

Amy and Lauren are stressed to the max. I mean, somebody’s juggling Farrah’s gnome collection and the music is super loud and should they call the cops? Of course not, there are already too many extras on payroll this episode.

Karma’s doing body-shots which Amy finds absolutely horrifying. This is one of those two-episode downward spirals, I can tell, the most brutal kind of all the kinds.

Shane yanks Amy away from the sticky situation on her surely expensive table just as Felix shows up for his big movie date and is surprised to discover he wasn’t the only one invited. Karma tells him that clearly his plans for the evening have changed, and anyway, he should try a beer even though he says he doesn’t drink! Loosen up! Your Dad’s not here! Unbutton a top button on your cardigan! Get gum in your hair! Karma never drinks and look at her now! Tommy and Tommy’s Friend overhear the reference to Felix’s Dad and say they won’t trust him not to narc on them unless he gets drunk with them. So off they go!

Shane’s freaking out that Sasha and Liam are dirty dancing like a couple of randy teenagers, but Amy’s not here for that: he slept with her best friend, why the hell is he talking to her about anything! Shane points out that she also slept with his best friend. So if you’ve created yourself a “Faking It” drinking game by this point, and I hope you have, now would be the time for you to take a drink for “Liam and Amy’s drunken romp is mentioned in a spiteful manner.” Everybody else is drinking, so!

Sasha’s dumb as dirt, by the way: it takes Shane about three minutes to convince her that Liam wants a long-term relationship, that their teacher/student situation is dicey, and that she should return to Jake, her Navy Seal boyfriend. So she leaves to do that while Liam’s getting her a drink.

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Faking It Episode 218 Recap: Amy Is Allergic To Peanuts and Adhesive

Welcome to the 18th recap of the second season of Faking It, a show about shipwrecks transformed into luxury resorts inhabited by teenage wearwolves, from the network that brought you Is She Really Going Out With Him?

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We open on the sun-speckled lawns of Blue Oasis High School For Kids Who Never Go To Class, where Karma and Shane are verbally sparring when they run smack-dab into Wade. He seems to have picked up on the fact that Karma and Shane would rather spend the afternoon knitting themselves into a straitjacket for Yarn Arts than spend time with each other.

Wade suggests that maybe the triple-date isn’t such a good idea but Shane and Karma, whose names sound way too much like Shane and Carmen for me to not mention that at least once, insist they’re just bickery-bantering all the time like little friendly birds on a tree who love each other’s company and think fondly of one another naked.

Wade: So you guys are, you’re cool with each other?
Karma: Uh, cooler than cool! We are really close!
Shane: So close in fact that we’ve kissed! Because… I’m attracted to girls sometimes too!
Karma: Me too! I have kissed girls.
Shane: One girl, singular.
Karma: But like, a bunch of times!

Yeah Wade should probably ditch these yahoos and go find himself a nice age-inappropriate date instead like all the other kids at this school. I hear Penelope Delia Fisher’s schedule is wide open!

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We cut to Ye Old Dress Shoppe, where Karma and Amy are shopping for The Perfect Dress for The Perfect Evening. Amy’s not yet told her Mom she’s taking a boy to prom, lest she get as excited as I am despondent about the possibility of Amy sliding back down the Kinsey scale.

Karma wants a dress with a V that goes down to her V so she can beat Shane at his A-Game but also really truly honestly because she likes Wade so much! He seems super great. Amy presses Karma on whether or not she’s actually okay with Wade being into girls and guys, and Karma surprisingly calls her out:

Karma: OMG Reagan I didn’t realize you were here.
Amy: Low blow. But okay, point taken.
Karma: Unlike your close-minded ex-girlfriend, I’m totally cool if Wade wants to swing both ways.
Amy: In the course of a single night?

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Meanwhile, Shane remains firmly in denial that Wade could actually be bisexual, forcing Liam to once again be The Good Guy and call Shane out for acting like guys can’t be bisexual, which’s a really sexist belief (as is the belief that girls can’t be 100% homosexual). But Liam’s not opposed to Shane bringing his A-Game to Lauren Junior Prom — anything to keep his precious Karma off the market.

Sasha shows up for brief banter with Liam regarding whether or not she’s trying to sneak him into the sugar shack, and we all get buried alive, rise from our graves, and proceed to the next scene.

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Lauren’s annoyed with Anthony for being annoyed about Tommy taking her to Lauren Junior Prom, and Anthony’s somewhere in the general neighborhood of getting her to consider forgiving him when he slips up and calls prom “a dance in the gym.”

Lauren insists that Lauren Junior Prom is a crucial right-of-passage. I’d argue it’s world’s most overrated dance in the gym, but that’s neither here nor there, and besides, Lauren has stuff to get to, so she reminds her boyfriend that she REALLY wishes she could go to Lauren Junior Prom with him, but she can’t, because he’d lose his job, and then she exits the building.

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Back at Chez Fawcett, Lauren tries her damndest to teach Tommy to dance while Amy tries her darndest to give herself a manicure, but he’s dumb as rocks and Amy’s hopeless with a bottle of polish, so Amy resigns to just-fucked-a-girl-on-her-period hands and Lauren and Tommy resign to spending the afternoon looking at poses on Pinterest.

Then Felix shows up, much to Farrah’s surprise and delight, and Felix’s surprise about Farrah’s surprise, although nobody in Amy’s life should ever be surprised by Amy’s failure to disclose [thing] to [person who will eventually find out].

Amy: I tried really hard to get her to accept that I’m not straight and now she’s probably in there picking out our wedding china.
Felix: If you don’t mind me asking, if you’re not straight, then what are you?
Amy: Allergic to peanuts? And labels? I’m sorry.
Felix: Hey, don’t apologize. We’re teenagers, we’re not supposed to have all the answers, right?

Felix needs Amy’s crucial fashion input on his suit, and she picks the jokey powder-blue option, warning him that she’ll be adjusting her strapless dress all night long. So I guess she went with the strapless dress.

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Welp, it’s already Lauren Junior Prom night! Lauren, cranky and insolent, takes photos with Tommy while Farrah and Bruce bicker about their new communication techniques learned in therapy.

Amy, it appears, hasn’t gone with the strapless gown after all. The last few dates I went on with guys, I dressed as “gay” as possible — baggy jeans, men’s shirts, etc — like I was daring them to notice that I wasn’t dressing for their appreciation, like yes, I am on this date with you, but I am NOT on a date with the patriarchy! I have no idea what I was thinking, really, it seems stupid and non-sensical in retrospect but, anyway, that’s what I thought about when Amy shows up in this:

Felix is into it, though, because he’s a Good Guy and he Likes Amy, likes her enough to do jokey poses that’ll land somewhere between “what her Mom wishes she was taking pictures of” and “what her Mom is actually taking pictures of.” But it’s also so awkward, like when he points out that she’s still holding his hand and then she pulls away. This is, categorically, a bad idea, this date, but she has to go with somebody. AND APPARENTLY SHE IS THE ONLY NOT-STRAIGHT GIRL AT THIS ALLEGEDLY LIBERAL SCHOOL IN AUSTIN FREAKING TEXAS.

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Apparently Prom By Lauren Junior Lauren Prom’s decorations were not delivered and displayed in the Hester High gymnasium as requested. Instead the room’s been done over to look like the very overpriced Aquarium Restaurant we visited on a recent trip to Nashville, Tennessee. It was in a mall and a 14-year-old lesbian was singing Christian rock right outside and her mother was in the front row crying and it was very intense. Anyhow, Lauren seems to think this problem is still fixable.

Shane and Karma are pissed that they both wore red, and Wade’s gotta piss, and Shane’s gotta go with, since the bathroom is the one location where he can monopolize Wade’s attention.

Liam’s there with his skeleton, inspiring Karma to snark that apparently he’s “already screwed everything with a pulse,” and Turner to lament the fulfillment of his fantasies of a traditional prom experience: “Skeleton dates, thruple dates, heck there’s a pig and a ficus tree here on a date!”  What’s next? A girl on a date with another girl? Stay tuned! (Spoiler alert: nope)

Felix and Amy awkwardly make fun of everybody before Karma shows up asking for advice on winning World War Threesome. Amy thinks Felix’s Fonzie-level jokes are hilarious! Karma reminds Amy that Felix really wants this to be a real date and he has Real Feelings and maybe Amy shouldn’t lead him on. Y’all I have seen approximately ten thousand girls on prom dates with boys on television in my lifetime. Can’t a show that was supposed to be about girls who like girls throw me a wishbone?

Faking It Episode 217 Recap: Maybe I Should Get A Date Just In Case

Welcome to the 17th recap of the second season of Faking It, a reality show based in a post office staffed entirely by characters from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure from the network that brought you Engaged and Underage.

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We open in Shane’s boudoir, where his sister, the character formerly known as Paige McCullers — currently known as Sasha Harvey — wants Shane to play hooky so they can lie around in bed and say the word “snatch” all day.

See, Sasha’s just left her boyfriend Jake and now she’s got nothing to do and nowhere to be and doesn’t wanna get a job. Instead she’d rather have sexual fantasies about Liam Booker. Did you know that the simple sight of Sasha gave Liam his first pre-pubsecent boner? Welp, now you do. Now you know that forever. The world will turn and turn and right there is where you shall remain, knowing that tidbit about Liam Booker. You’ll never not know it. Shane’s worried that Liam and Sasha are gonna do the horizontal mambo at Club Harvey, but Liam promises he won’t! Sasha, however, can promise no such thing.

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Cut to Blue Oasis No Homo Yes Lez Do It Hi-High School, where Amy’s telling Karma that her parents are gonna still try to make it work even though Farrah cheated on her kind hubby with her ex, the Hank of Burning Love. More importantly: it’s Lauren Junior Prom season, as illustrated by Lauren’s Lauren Junior Prom Banners displayed throughout campus.

Karma thinks she and Amy should go together so they can request “Straight Up” on loop and dominate the dance floor, thus guaranteeing Karma will remain the least popular girl in school forever and ever. Amy would rather sit on the sofa and marathon prom movies, like Carrie! Felix is like, “the original or the remake?” and I mean, DUH the original, but we all know the point of this convo is for us to see that Amy and Felix Have So Much In Common. “The original,” Amy says. “I’m insulted that you’d even ask me that.”

Meanwhile, a vandal is on the loose at Hester High, tagging Turner’s Big Brother murals with a menacing “B,” which totally ruins the color scheme.

Lauren reports that they’ve barely sold any tickets to Lauren Junior Prom. At a normal school, Turner would punish the students by canceling prom or forcing them to get dressed up for prom and then sequestering them inside a small outdoor lot enclosed by an electrocuted fence in a rainstorm, but not these hippies — nope, the only way to show these ganja-smoking goons who’s boss is to require them to attend prom — with dates.

Karma’s eager to get Amy on lock as her prom date, but Amy’s gotta protect her heart from Karma’s repressed sexual fluidity. She can’t actually tell her this, of course, because telling people things is not The Way Things Go Around Here, so instead she tells Karma it just wouldn’t be fair for her to spend a night she’s been obsessing over all her life with her platonic maybe-lesbian bestie instead of a boy she might be able to take back to her juice truck for a little rock-and-roll. Karma rejects Shane and Amy’s date suggestion of “Felix,” saying he’s like a brother to her. But she’s into Amy’s suggestion of the lab partner she’s been crushing on. They have chemistry… in more ways than one.

Amy: Problem solved!
Shane: What if their chemistry is all inside Karma’s delusional self-absorbed head?
Amy: Don’t talk about Karma like that, she’s my best friend. Okay, maybe I should get a date just in case.

I think we all know where this is going.

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Meanwhile, Lauren’s bunsen burner is on fire with ire regarding Turner deciding to not just make Lauren Junior Prom mandatory, but to make prom dates mandatory, which turns out to be a wholly selfish maneuver — he wants his son to step away from the X-Box and into a woman’s XXX-box, or something. Honestly Felix reminds me of my friend’s ex-boyfriend so hard I can barely even view him as an independent character. He seems like a nice guy or whatever but I’m just not feeling this at all.

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Amy tracks down our old friend Oliver in the drama department, where he’s hanging posters for his new show, “Falling Down The Donut Hole: A True Story of Unrequited Love and Despair,” starring his new girlfriend, who’s basically Amy’s stunt double. So, there goes that Lauren Junior Prom date idea!

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Theo’s not okay with Lauren going to Lauren Junior Prom with some other dude, but they’ve got no choice in this cruel cruel world. He must settle for veto power, just like Obama. Lauren tells Theo that she likes seeing him jealous of her. She says this while playing with his security uniform tie, at which point I realize Lauren and Theo would’ve made an excellent addition to the Halloween Costume Ideas for Couples With Significant Height Disparities post.

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Shane tries beating around the bush rather than directly asking Wade to Lauren Junior Prom, which of course fails, and then Wade’s gotta go to class.

He rounds the corner and runs smack-dab into… Karma, who’s all like, “Hey there Chem-Buddy!” Karma’s crush and Shane’s crush are the same damn man.

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Extreme hacktivist “B” has now wormed his mysterious way into the school’s SkorklePad network, releasing a film which compares prom to prison? So obviously B is an idiot. However, the tackiness of that particular comparison isn’t nearly as compelling to Shane as his conviction that Liam is B. Liam insists that he isn’t B. Probably B is Ezra, let’s be real.

“When did you become such a pretty little liar?” asks Shane, following with, “are you also lying about Sasha?” Oh but Liam’s not lying about Sasha, he pretty-promises. He’d never do anything to screw up his new life with his new family, The Harveys. (Just wait ’til their long-lost underground captive sister Sara shows up, talk about a girl who doesn’t know how to properly thank a family for taking her in.) Shane believes him. About Sasha, but not about being B. That’s still up in the air. Speaking of Sasha Harvey, she got a lunch pass to eat with Shane ’cause she’s so bored at home! There’s something seriously wrong with this person.

Anyhow, Sasha licks Liam’s ear and tells him the age of consent in Texas is only 17. Liam says he can’t sleep with her ’cause she’s six years older than him and she’s his best friend’s sister. If only he knew she was once a lesbian who tried to drown Emily Fields in a pool, then he’d hop into bed with her in no time!

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Amy’s Quest to get a date to Lauren Junior Prom continues with a call to Jasmine — remember her? The awkward date that ended up with Amy telling the story of her unrequited crush on her best friend? The glorious relationship that could’ve been but never was?

Jasmine: Lemme guess, she wants to go as friends and you’re worried about old feelings coming up?
Amy: How did you know?
Jasmine: I told you, I’ve been there. And I hate to break it to you, but you’re still not over her yet!

Amy: I am! In fact, I had a girlfriend —
Jasmine: And you two broke up because you’re both “in really different places” or some other bullshit reason?
Amy: How did you know all this? Are you from the future?

So apparently Jasmine isn’t interested in free punch and a meaningless hookup, so Amy’s left to bang her head against the locker and await the inevitable realization that she will obviously be going to prom with Felix, world’s coolest cat and world’s fourth-coolest land mammal.

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Elizabeth, however, has this shit in the bag: an adorable scrawny red-headed boy would like her to do him the honor of allowing him to escort her to Lauren Junior Prom. “Pick me up after Judge Judy,” she commands. Leila’s got three offers too. Two of them are from me. I hope the other one is from Amy. Then Tommy shows up bearing flowers and a red heart possibly made out of styrofoam or filled with chocolate to ask Lauren to prom and apologize for being a jerk now that he knows she’s “not really a dude.” Everybody says “awww” like what he just said wasn’t terrible and gross. After all, he reminds her, they look great in pictures!

But, you know, Lauren needs a date to Lauren Junior Prom, and she can’t take her main squeeze, so…

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Faking It Episode 216 Recap: Let’s Be Lesbians… Again!

Welcome to the sixteenth recap of the second season of Faking It, an online farmer’s market that connects cartoon animals with real ones, from the network that brought you House Of Food.

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We open in a chic hot spot cafe where all the bohemians go to enjoy soy milk lattes and tiny vegan cupcakes on brightly-colored fiestaware and talk about their moon signs and whether or not Karma wearing a hat would help her get in touch with her true self and therefore become more or less compatible with Liam. Amy insists that the only thing Karma needs to be is “Karma,” although let’s be real — it’d be nice if she was a little bit gayer.

But then! The girls spot Molly cross-cafe with two other young Moms and a bunch of empty plates — two Moms who are just heavens-to-Betsy bowled over with JOY to finally meet Amy and Karma, “the out, proud and madly in love lesbian couple”! They do so very much hope to see these two lesbian ladies in love at their upcoming Hoe-Down/Square Dance (title TBA) fundraiser!

Cut to Karma’s home / backyard, where Karma’s pissed that Molly’s yet to tell PFLAG that Karma isn’t actually a lesbian after all!

Molly explains that she just really needs PFLAG right now — she lost her home, she lost her ahead-of-her time medicinal marijuana business, she needs to beat that bitch Jackie who’s got an actual gay son in the next round of PFLAG President Elections and she’s been working so damn hard on this fundraiser. What makes money better than fake lesbians, you know? Just ask Truck Stop! Or the porn industry!

Karma and Amy have been trying to live their truths for about two minutes and six seconds and are therefore wary of this plan, which would cause them to fall off the WAGON OF LIES. Dad implores them to go along with it, for Molly’s sake, and Amy’s won over. She explains to Karma that Molly’s always been there for her and well this is the least she could do, right? (Sidenote: Why hasn’t Amy just offered to let Karma live with her for now? This has been bugging me all season! Think of all the sleepover tension!) Karma’s worried that this isn’t good for Amy with all of her hot groin-area love-type feelings for Karma, but Amy insists that those feelings are “ancient history.” Karma, unsurprisingly, seems surprised and maybe a bit sad to hear this. Also, I mean, it’s a lie, but whatever!

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Back at Liam and Shane’s Basement Lair, the two boys are eating stale pizza, yelling at video games, and wondering if Duke is wearing a shirt (okay, that’s just Shane). Liam takes a quick assessment of their lives and declares that it’s time to return to their douchebag personalities from Season One:

Liam: We used to be Liam and Shane! We were hookup hunters and the world was our prey. It’s time to pick up our spirits and get back on that horse.
Shane: I had a horse once. I loved it but it ran away.

Look out, ladies, Liam and Shane are back in the saddle! Starting tonight!

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We then shimmy on over to Chez Fawcett, where Lauren is trying to eat her cereal but is having trouble not sticking her spoons through Farrah’s eyeballs. She’s tossing passive-aggressive insults at her Step Mom while her perfect Dad Bruce thinks Lauren’s still riled up over their show-down at the pageant. He says not to take her frustration with him out on Farrah.

Welp, that’s the last straw, Lauren can no longer sit here and watch her father treat Farrah like she isn’t a fuck-up — and then, of course, who should show up but Amy and Hank? Bruce is just gosh-darnit-so-thrilled to finally meet Hank the Tank, although his suggestion that Hank stay for dinner is swiftly rejected by everybody in the room and probably everybody not in the room, also.

Oh and one more thing! Amy told Hank all about her lesbianism and he’s totally cool with it. In fact, “he totally gets it. It’s so nice to have a parent who supports me for once.” Ouch.

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Speaking of supportive environments for LGBTQ youth, we then box-step on over to the Big Austin PFLAG Party For Howdie Doody Gays and Their Families. It’s quite a production — go-go dancers of the male and female persuasion, large bales of hay, grown-up royalty-free stock music from the MTV catalog, and, of course, a mechanical bull. Basically, it’s Rodeo Disco, but with boys.

Molly is appalled by this sexual state of affairs, but Jackie’s having a gay ‘ol time!

Jackie: It’s called a FUNraiser for a reason!
Molly: FunDraiser. You forgot the “D.”
Jackie: That’s a first!
Molly: How is this event supposed to help anybody?
Jackie: Help them with what? We should be celebrating! We got the fun kids!

Speaking of, Jackie can’t WAIT to introduce hot lesbian couple Karma and Amy to her big gay son Shane and his friend Liam! Yup. You know how that shit go.

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Shane’s not convinced that Amy’s truly over Karma, or that dating Reagan helped Amy “get over” Karma — he’s pretty sure she just briefly eclipsed Amy’s burning love for Karma and that this little charade they’re doing tonight can’t possibly be healthy. Amy’s plan to avoid slow-dances, romantic speeches and hand-holding is definitely 100% a prediction of what’s about to go down.

Esteemed Human Liam Booker refuses to believe that Karma is doing this for her mother and then announces that “Old Liam” is back. He’s gonna go find a new high horse to ride. Bye!

Karma suggests they ignore those stupid boys and just be girlfriends, because of course! It’s just that easy. Molly wants to corral them into sharing their sweet love story with “the group,” although Jackie would rather open her legs and ride a bull (her words, not mine!) than open her heart to a “share circle.” Basically, Molly is Melissa Joan Hart in Can’t Hardly Wait,  wanting everybody to sign her yearbook and but everybody just wants to get laid and lose their virginity.

Lauren’s about to make a strong showing for unhappiest camper at the hoe-down: her parents have decided to surprise her by bringing her to the PFLAG party! Bruce hopes will show Lauren he’s supportive of her intersex identity. This will definitely work because Lauren LOVES talking about being intersex.

Back at the Share Circle, Karma’s gushing about Amy, basically saying everything Amy wishes Karma would say in real life with real facial expressions and true words. But she sounds so sincere, too, when she says them.

Karma: Every day that I’m with Amy I just feel like the luckiest girl in the world. We’re not only best friends, and lovers, but, um… we’re soulmates.

Farrah’s shocked to overhear the news that the winsome twosome are back to-fake-together again, and even more shocked that Hank made it to the party, and slightly less shocked that Amy says Dad “gets it” when it comes to the Fake Lesbian Game and you don’t so BYE. Hank makes some kind of “kids these days,” offhand remark to Farrah in the way that a Dad can when he’s not actually the custodial parent who has to deal with the fallout when the fallout happens and the fallout will definitely happen.

Dad wants Lauren to get out on the dance floor and meet other members of her community!

Lauren: This is not my community! There is no “I” in PFLAG.
Bruce: Actually, they’re inclusive of everyone. I called the national office. They’re real nice.

Bruce tries to make friends by introducing Lauren to a family as “an Intersex,” causing her to immediately flee the scene.

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While Liam and Shane strike out at picking up hot lays by telling stories about their heartbroken hearts and lying exes, Karma’s learning that being a lesbian isn’t the only lie Molly told her PFLAG friends — apparently Karma’s also at the top of her class and builds houses for homeless people! Unclear why Jackie’s not already busting these lies like a bucket of balloons via her son, Shane, but whatever:

Karma’s bummed that Molly isn’t proud of her for any of her actual accomplishments, which admittedly are pretty sparse these days except for one major thing — she’s financially supporting her entire family! Lies upon lies upon lies, these people. “Lying is in my DNA,” Karma sadly suggests before Amy suggests they not let Moms ruin their night. Let’s just have fun, she says, just the two of us, like two totally not-gay girls acting gay without having to try very hard! First stop: riding the mechanical pony to tuna-town!

Speaking of what’s embedded into everybody’s genetic code, Jackie’s very disappointed that Shane and Liam are being mopey about their exes instead of sleeping with strangers. “What happened to the 12-year-old who hit on my 18-year-old daughter?” Jackie wants to know. Well, I hope somebody put chewing gum in his hair, wherever he is. Jackie threatens to take away Shane’s X-Box if he doesn’t go home with this gentleman in red across the dance floor…

…and then turns her attention to Liam, who insists that after Karma, he just can’t magically become “old Liam again.” The most interesting part of that sentence, to Jackie, is “Karma.” Not because she’s shocked somebody actually named their child “Karma,” but because she really only knows Karma in a “Karmy” context so what the hell is this nonsense. Meanwhile the girls are bucked off their bull:

Karma and Amy topple off the bull into a heap, and Karma fixes Amy’s hair with her magic fingers, thus lulling Amy slowly back into Supercrush Uncontrollable Burning Love mode. Karma: look at yourself! Just take a moment, take a big step back and look at yourself in the mirror right this minute and tell me what you see! KARMA AND AMY, ALMOST K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Faking It Episode 215 Recap: Raise Your Hand If You’ve Been Outed By Shane Harvey

Welcome to the fifteenth recap of the second season of Faking It, a gripping miniseries about canning pears in extreme conditions from the network that brought you Where My Dogs At?

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This week on Faking It, we’re doing a Breakfast Club episode, which’s convenient, as it is my favorite film of all time. I hope Ally Sheedy shows up or somebody tells somebody else to eat their shorts. Anyhow, this conceit is frequently re-used in television shows as it manages to confine all major characters to a small space nobody is permitted to leave, therefore enabling all kinds of revelations and discoveries. See also: Dawson’s Creek “Detention” and all of these.

So: Lauren, Amy, Karma, Liam, Shane and Felix the Cat are in detention, which’s their first appearance in an actual classroom so far this season!

Felix gets us off to an expositiony start by digging in to what they’re in for. Shane’s there on account of that naked protest. Lauren insists her detention must be a “clerical error.” Amy, who apparently has also struggled to cope with our lack-of-knowledge regarding Poussey’s arrest record, isn’t saying:

Amy: You obviously have never watched Orange is the New Black. You don’t ask somebody why they’re doing time.

But then she does say: she cut class to catch a foreign film, which’s obviously a lie, because, well, this is Faking It. Karma allegedly fell asleep during geometry and Liam allegedly took a conference call during Philosophy. Felix offers only, “let’s just say that Turner’s got it in for me.” Regardless, this is gonna be good. We should be able to crack open 10-15 secrets by noon-ish.

In the meantime, Shane’s emotionally eating his pain over the Duke breakup…

…Lauren’s wearing black gloves and a cardigan despite the building’s lack of weekend AC…

Karma and Amy are playing with Santana’s nail file…

…Felix is working on an abstract art project…

…and Liam is like, whatever

For reasons unclear to Honest People like me and perhaps also you, Amy’s told Karma that Farrah’s been stepping out on her beau, but has failed to reveal that her secret down-low lover is Amy’s paternal figure. Amy begs Lauren to keep it a secret from Bruce, but Lauren’s not sure why — wouldn’t Amy prefer for her parents to reunite so Lauren and Bruce can get the hell out of Liberal Blue Oasis Dodge?

Amy: I don’t want them to get back together, all they do is fight. They’re like oil and vinegar.
Lauren: Oil and vinegar are delicious.
Amy: You know what I mean!

Lauren’s dead-set on telling Daddy, despite Amy’s pleas that it’ll break their family apart — but Lauren knows better. That’s not on her, she says. That’s on Farrah.

Meanwhile, Liam’s concerned about Shane’s caloric intake and Shane’s insistence that if Duke can’t see the outing as a “favor” then WHATEVER, DUKE. Before we can delve even deeper into Shane’s delusional beliefs in the power of outing, Theo shows up to “escort Lauren to the principal’s office.” Everybody calls him a narc and throws things at him.

Karma’s DYING to know why Felix is in detention but all Felix will reveal is that his Dad doesn’t “trust him to be alone.” I’m assuming his Dad is worried, as am I, that Felix will screw up our lesbian storyline, but Dad obviously didn’t think this particular Saturday through very well.

Shane won’t share any of his candy so Amy digs through Karma’s bizarre bag in search of mints, but instead she gets a whole new kind of flavor explosion: a $250,000 check from Sporkle McBooker.

Amy yanks Karma into the hallway for a bathroom break — an obvious cover for Amy to ask Karma about the check — but before they can get down to business, they run smack-dab into Theo and Lauren getting down to some very gentle petting business.

Just then, Principal Turner pops up and Theo covers by saying the children were escaping and he was merely rounding them up and returning them to their Detention Room, where all will be revealed.

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So, the revelations continue: like now Amy wants to know how Lauren could return to Theo after all those lies, because the rule of Liars is that “lying isn’t okay for anybody besides me,” and “me” is whoever is talking at the time. Got it? Good. Shane’s pissed too, which means he’s apparently stolen somebody else’s leg to stand on:

Shane: After Amy and I helped you out him???!
Liam: You outed Theo, too? Why am I not surprised!
Karma: Lauren, he arrested my parents! And me and Amy!
Lauren: Because he was protecting our secret!
Shane: Oh Lauren, when are you gonna learn. Secrets always come out.
Lauren: Yeah, because YOU OUT THEM.

Lauren asks everybody to raise their hand if they’ve been outed by Shane or victimized by Regina George, and the majority of humans in this room admit to sharing this experience. Liam wants Shane to admit that he has an outing problem! Shane wants Liam to admit that he’s a corporate sellout! Amy wants Lauren to admit that Theo’s just gonna hurt her again! Lauren doesn’t want anybody to tell on Theo ’cause then he’d lose his job! Amy won’t tell on Theo if Lauren doesn’t tell on Farrah! So then Lauren tells everybody that Farrah’s hooking up with Amy’s Dad! So now Karma knows that Amy was lying to her!

Amy didn’t tell Karma ’cause she didn’t want Karma to be all weird and judgy about Amy’s Dad! This seems to be a fundamental dysfunction amongst Amy and Karma — the idea that uncomfortable or ugly or unpleasant information is only as uncomfortable as it is known. As if life isn’t life but just the stories we tell about it. In David Carr’s memoir The Night of the Gun, he provides his own personal sobriety checklist, and although we’re not dealing with anything so deep here in this show, this show often reminds me of this one item on the list: The problem with your life is behavior, not disclosure. If you want to live a life you can be honest about, live one that is worthy. The answer to life is learning to live. If you’ve ever cheated on somebody, you’ve thought something like “well, it’s only bad if they find out.” But there’s a better option there, hiding behind your lie: don’t do anything you’d have to lie about in the first place. Simple.

So, back to the action: Karma says Amy’s Dad is a shitbag! Amy says her Dad is a war journalist so it’s not up to him when he has to go journalize a war!

Amy: BUSTED! I’m guilty of spending time with my father!
Karma: No, you’re guilty of telling yet another lie!

Shane argues for everybody being their true authentic selves, but everybody calls bullshit, especially Liam, who notes that it’s not possible for Shane to “do the wrong things and then pretend it’s for the right reason.”  Amy’s trying to convince Lauren that Farrah says her fling with Hank was meaningless and CAN’T THEY JUST MOVE ON!? Karma, unable to miss an opportunity to remind all of us that Amy slept with Liam, jumps in with how familiar that all sounds — meaningless fling, “can’t we just move on,” et al. And then Amy, for some batshit reason, decides to tell the room about Karma’s $250k check from Sparkle McBrooker. At last: silence. Well, except Felix:

Felix: That’s quite a big check. Seriously, that’s like, twice the standard size.

Karma admits that Liam’s Dad offered her that check to stay away but she hadn’t cashed it yet. Liam flies off the handle, explaining what a valiant effort he made by allegedly eventually removing his tongue from Zita’s mouth. Amy stands up for Karma at least thinking about taking the payoff, and Karma weakly explains, fully crying now, how the check could get her parents’ house back. Liam can hate his parents and their company and want to give it all up for Art all he wants, but he’ll never ever understand what it’s like to be Karma. He’s not shocked that his Dad wrote the check — he’s shocked that Karma took it but has not cashed it, is merely considering it — shocked that she might prioritize her family’s health and happiness over a ‘relationship’ that wasn’t working anyhow to take money from a corporate cornhole who’s got plenty to go around.

Karma: I’m not rich, Liam. I didn’t fall asleep in class because I’ve been studying. I’ve been working every catering gig I could get and I live in a freaking JUICE TRUCK.

So, Liam’s just learned that his not-girlfriend’s been sleeping in a juice truck and working all night and instead of summoning empathy, he declares it “so besides the point” and shouts that if she’d been offered that much to stay away from Amy, she wouldn’t have “considered it for one second.” But Amy’s Karma’s life-long best friend, not an ex-boyfriend who spells words with staple guns, shines a reading lamp on it and calls it “art.”

Nobody points this out, of course, because now Shane is crying. Wailing, actually, into his pit of miniature candy bars and despair:

Shane: You’re right, I am a terrible person. I outed you two as lesbians because I didn’t want Lauren to win homecoming queen, and I outed your pills because I wanted to take you down. And I outed Duke because I wanted to ruin his life, instead he told me he loved me. And now he hates me. And he should. I hate me.

Everybody goes soft on Shane — just ’cause you did a bad thing, it doesn’t make you a bad person — and within a matter of minutes, the entire group has decided to leave their worries and conflicts behind them in pursuit of a singular goal: getting Shane to Duke’s gym before Duke walks off this soundstage forever, forcing Shane to shack up with somebody in his own age bracket.

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Faking It Episode 214 Recap: So Liberal With Her Scissors and Other Things

Welcome to the fourteenth episode of the second season of Faking It, an informational documentary about the dangers of putting Magic Shell in the refrigerator, from the same network that brought you I Want a Famous Face.

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We open in the dapper sunlight of an early morn, where Karma and Amy have fallen asleep spooning after Amy’s tragic breakup with Reagan.

Karma, unnecessarily horrified — as in, she fully considers for a good solid second that maybe they had wild lesbian sex all night, which I s’pose means she considers such a thing possible, which means something, maybe — leaps out of bed in full hair and makeup and quickly re-dresses herself in an outfit far too ambitious for this time of day. They’ve got a couples date with Liam, Shane and Duke! Amy slowly rouses herself and makes a solid case for staying in bed (because bed, y’all) but Karma informs Amy that she can’t just wallow forever! It’s been nearly 45 seconds! Get over it!

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Meanwhile, Theo’s softening Lauren’s icy heart like a stick of butter! They’re in love like butterflies kissing on a leaf. Lauren says that she misses kissing him in public, but they can’t because Theo would lose his job and Lauren would lose her presidency. I know this ’cause Lauren tells Theo, “If anybody found out, you’d lose your job and I’d lose my presidency.” As you know, of course. Also, as you know, Theo’s name isn’t “Theo,” but Lauren likes it so she’s sticking to it.

Theo’s left a little note for Lauren on the back porch, so Lauren zooms down to snatch it only to find that Amy the Wild Snatcher’s already got her fingering fingers all over it — and it says “I’m counting the hours until I see you again.” Fortunately or unfortunately, the conclusion Amy subsequently jumps to is not that Lauren’s sneaking around with Theo — it’s that her mother is having an affair!

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Saturdays at Sporkle are swinging soirees, and today is no exception: the interns are stapling away like two swans in a pond!

Then Liam’s Dad shows up and Zita steps out just in time for Liam’s Dad to inform Liam that he thinks Zita would make a good life partner for his strapping young son and that Karma’s probably just after his money.

Liam: Karma is awesome!
Mr. Booker: They all seem awesome until they come after your money. That’s what I like about Zita! She’s got piles of her own.

I’ve added “talk to Zita about investing in Autostraddle” to my to-do list.

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Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy’s Mom is foisting a large platter of processed carbohydrates upon her sweet angels while whistling a happy tune to herself. I know what you’re thinking: she’s finally had sex with a woman! NOPE.

Amy: Is that a new haircut, mother?
Farrah: Why is it too short? Oh, that darn Becky at the salon, so liberal with her scissors… and other things!

Amy doesn’t even catch that Farrah’s hairdresser Becky is a carpet-muncher ’cause she’s far too preoccupied with who might be munching Farrah’s carpet. She tells Lauren that Farrah cheats on every husband with the next one and honestly, Bruce is the best one she’s got so far — and, also, it turns out that “this whole step-sister thing wasn’t so terrible either.” “Same,” Lauren agrees. Aw. See! Friendship is magic!

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We then take a merry walk through television time/space and arrive at Kurt and Blaine’s favorite hangout: the local neighborhood coffee shop. Shane and Duke are enjoying some generous public displays of affection ’cause they never get to see each other now that Duke’s so busy with appearances.

Karma’s enthusiasm for Liam’s arrival is immediately dampened when he shows up with Zita in tow. Unfortch, Duke’s publicist couldn’t snag Shane a spot on the jet plane to see Duke’s first big fight, but never fear, Zita and Her Piles Of Money are here! She insists on flying the whole gang to Los Angeles on her private jet.

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We then skip merrily back to Chez Fawcett, where Amy’s intense archeological dig of the laundry hamper for clues about Farrah’s affair have turned up one very important clue: a motel key card!

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We then fly luxuriously over to Los Angeles, California, home of sun, stars, relaxing beaches, a lot of mid-day traffic and most of my friends. Shane’s gushing about the gay masseuse Zita’s got on her Private Jet as they pull up to the venue just in time for Duke’s “weigh-in.” But Zita’s got different plans for her afternoon with Karma.

Zita wants to go shopping on Rodeo to buy new duds for the big fight tonight, her treat. When prodded, Karma insists to Liam that all these diamond rings and fancy things don’t make her feel weird at all! Not even one tiny bit! Nope! Absolutely not.

Liam: Are you okay with all of this? You know… with things back home right now I wouldn’t blame you if you felt uncomfortable.
Karma: The only thing uncomfortable for me was all the turbulence over Arizona. You’re sweet to worry but I’m having a blast!

Fun fact: “all the turbulence over Arizona” is my pet name for Laneia. So, Liam dashes, and Karma and Zita are free to hit the shops like the great gal pals they are.

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Back in Texas, Amy and Lauren are fighting over whose parent is doing the cheating — Lauren insists it’s her Dad, and Amy insists it’s her Mom. Everybody wants to have the cheater on their family tree!

Why isn’t Farrah wearing her wedding ring? Is that a new shirt, BRUCE? Oh yeah, it was a gift from Farrah. Why the GIFTS, Farrah? What is this, CHRISTMAS? Is that why everybody is always wearing scarves and sweaters? Does somebody feel GUILTY about DOING SOMETHING NAUGHTY? What’s with all the SUGAR AND SPICE? WHAT’S THE DEAL, Y’ALL?

Well, Farrah knows the deal: Amy’s just lost and delirious ’cause she’s still heartbroken about Reagan!

Farrah: I know what this is about. You’re still hurtin’ from your breakup. And I bet right now you hope that you will never fall in love again. But your soulmate is out there and you’ll find him someday. Or her. Them. Whatever.

Look at Farrah with her gender-neutral pronouns!

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We then swim in our teeny tiny bikinis over to resplendent Los Angeles, California, where Duke’s shocked and thrilled to see his boyfriend has made the arduous journey through land and fog to watch him punch another man in the faceplate!

Joanna The Publicist is thrilled ’cause Mr. Peanut is here and Mr. Peanut’s product launch was the best product launch of all time! What a catch, that Liam Booker! She already pre-ordered her monocle!

Joanna says Shane can duck out if seeing Duke compare his biceps to another man’s biceps makes him uncomfortable, but nope, insists Shane, ’cause “I know who Duke’s going to prom with, and it ain’t that guy.” Joanna is alarmed to learn her client is shagging a high school student and obviously hasn’t seen the Brian/Justin prom scene from Queer as Folk.

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Faking It Episode 213 Recap: Survey Says “Lesbian”

Welcome to the 13th recap of the second season of Faking It, a heart-pounding docudrama about the time I called the police to walk me to school because Anna and Jessie left without me, from the same network that brought you Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.

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We open in a resplendent morning at Blue Oasis in the Red Heart of Texas High, where the children are doing Tai-Chi under the advisement of their wise Vice Principal Penelope Delia Fisher.

Shane’s stressing out ’cause Duke’s signed on the Faking It edition of Grindr, “Stubble,” for the fourth time that day. Liam points out that it sure sounds like Shane wants monogamy. Shane protests, “No, ew! We’re gay, I just want him to only be gay for me.” Apparently to Shane, gay = poly. Meanwhile, Karma’s wearing tight pants and telling Liam to sneak out Friday night so she can chain him to a lamppost and let loose a pack of wild coyotes upon his body or something.

More importantly, Karma wants to know if Amy did her part to progress her stupid not-a-lesbian storyline last night but alas, she didn’t, ’cause Reagan apparently stood her up after doing some window-snooping. Amy’s gonna go over right after school and tell her everything, though, so you can all look forward to that scene.

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Good news: that scene starts now.

Reagan confesses that she listened in and Amy should know this:

Reagan: After everything I’ve been through with my ex, how could you not tell me that you’re into guys?
Amy: Because I’m not sure I am. I only slept with one.

Reagan first shames Amy for having Karma’s boyfriend as her Singular Man To Sleep With and then questions how she might ever trust Amy when Amy also intentionally pretended like Karma didn’t exist for a solid portion of their initial courtship.

Reader: is Amy stupid? Is Shane stupid? Is Karma stupid? Is Liam stupid? Because they tell some epically stupid lies. What was Amy’s endgame when she downplayed Karma’s existence way back when? Did she honestly intend to never tell Reagan about Karma? She knew she’d get found out eventually, so … why? WHO ARE THESE MONSTERS? Oh but, more importantly:

Amy: Karma’s not a lesbian!
Reagan: Neither are you!
Amy: I AM.
Reagan: And you’re just realizing it now?
Amy: Part of questioning your sexuality is eventually getting an answer and survey says “lesbian”!
Reagan: Prove it.

Amy proves it by sticking her tongue down Reagan’s throat. The scene cuts before the inevitable fist-a-thon begins.

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Cut to Shane’s basement bachelor pad, where he’s fooling around with his hot MMA boyfriend and then, inevitably, fighting about Stubble. Apparently Shane told Duke that “monogamy was for straight people” and so Duke’s just doing his Big Gay Duty to follow the open relationship rule Shane made, okay?

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Cut to Karma and Amy, strolling along the fine path we call “life,” discussing Amy’s big conversation with Reagan.

Karma: You told her you were a lesbian?
Amy: I’m a girl in a monogamous relationship with another girl. What else would you call me?
Karma: Uh, I’m gonna go with “Amy.”

Really high up on my list of pet peeves is the statement “Why do I have to be gay or straight? Why can’t I just be Lorna / Doris / Ethel / whatevermynameis?” Welp, GENIUS, because your name is your name. Your sexual orientation is not your name. In fact, nothing is your name besides your name. You definitely don’t have to change your name to “gay” or “bisexual,” and you don’t have to pick a sexual orientation if you don’t want to, but defining your sexuality is not a process that begins and ends with you bursting out of somebody’s vagina and obtaining a legal name. Okay? Okay good.

Karma: What about the fact that you’re sometimes attracted to guys?
Amy: That hasn’t happened in ages, I think it’s all cleared up!
Karma: Amy, it’s not a rash.

WHAT ABOUT TEH MENZ, AMY? Huh? What about them? WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU SAID YOU LIKED THAT GUY?

Well, forget about it ’cause it’s College Application season, and obviously Karma and Amy have spent their whole entire lives planning to attend the very same imaginary college that luckily has a booth right there at the Hippie High College Fair, staffed by a nice-looking woman that Amy should probably have sex with.

Ms. University says Karmy should sign up for Summer Scholars, a program that’d enable them to live in the dorms and take classes for free all summer long! Just imagine the lies they could tell to all the new people they meet! Karma and Amy have spontaneous orgasms and then are told only 30 in 3,000 applicants get in, so probs their spots would go to one of the extras at this school who actually attend class. Or, you know, to Lauren Cooper.

Lauren’s barely gotten through her Don’t You Want Me Baby Presentation, replete with illustrative business card…

…when she spots a more pressing issue cross-campus! This is actually a really important image progression here:

Guess who just got a new job at Hester Hayride High School? Yup, it’s Theo!

Some bro yells “FUCK YOU, NARC,” as he passes gas along the path as Theo explains to Lauren that after the big outing, he’s been relegated to working security at Hogwinds Happy High School For Hamsters. Oh and —

Theo: I want you back.
Lauren: The fact that you even think you have a chance shows that you have no clue how deeply you hurt me. Just stay the hell away!

Yeah, they’re gonna get back together.

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Well, as you can see, it’s already been a big day at Hester and this day shows no signs of slowing down, because Xander is back!

Xander wants Liam to spend his summer at the Southwest Artists Colony Program, an undoubtedly inspiring experience involving yurts that’ll for sure snag Liam a spot at a Top Art School. Xander hands him a flyer and for some reason unbenkownst to those of us unfamiliar with Liam’s inner monologue, this interaction has lead Liam to believe that Xander is his father.

I hope the paper he handed Liam was a paternity test.

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Back at Chez Fawcett, Karma and Amy are looking over their applications for the Summer program even though everybody knows they should really be spending the summer at the Beverly Hills Beach Club with Kelly and Donna. Karma’s concerned that her B-average and half-hearted attempt at extracurriculars won’t get her in, and just as she’s wondering aloud what she’s been doing with her life, Queen Lauren arrives with some truth serum:

Lauren: Chasing boys and the approval of others. Hate to rain on your parade.

Lauren’s got a better strategy to make up for the f-bomb she dropped on the college rep: she will display her life-long passion for baton-twirling and make a lasting impression. Colleges like passion, Lauren tells them, and you can’t just fake it. Before this turns into a roundtable about sexual experiences with batons, Karma and Amy are inspired, for some g-dforsaken reason, to fake their way into the Summer Scholars Program.

Okay, they definitley invented “being a lesbian to get popular,” but pretending to do something they don’t actually do to get into college? Honeys. That lie is older than college!

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Cut to their newest scheme: pretending to be organic farmers with green thumbs who have their own juice truck! They’ve even made a video and put a lot of leafy vegetables into baskets!

They show their video to Felix and he says the whole thing is a bunch of baloney and that Amy’s acting, in particular, is lacking. Amy says she’s a great actress, like when she convinced Felix she was attracted to him.

Karma’s still trying to make Amlix happen:

Karma: Are you attracted to Felix?
Amy: Ew, no, gross. But you heard him, we’re never gonna get into Clemont with this.

What does Felix know anyway? Everybody knows he’s really A CAT.

Faking It Episode 212 Recap: Lesbian Nesting In Your Coop Every Night

Welcome to the twelfth recap of the second season of Faking It, a 17-minute infomercial for Thighmasters from the same network that brought you Big Tips Texas.

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We open in Karma’s backyard, where her mother is making artisinal soaps, probably planning a re-boot of Piper Chapman and Holly McSleepingwithLarryonpurpose’s successful Brooklyn-based artisanal soap business.

Karma thinks Mom needs to put away the tonics and potions and hot wax and focus on a “real job,”  which’ll begin with crafting a “real resume,” and will ideally end with them moving back into their house where Karma will no longer be awoken by her parents having hot lean-to sex. Mrs. Karma reminds her plucky young offspring that her first job will always be “mother.”

Unfortunately, Mrs. Karma’s resume reads more like Brook Soso’s: aura cleanser, mushroom forager, unlicensed massage therapist. Karma is losing hope, but I’m just delighted every time Karma’s Mom has a scene. I love her.

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Over in Amy’s impeccably clean fortress of sapphistry, Amy and Reagan are snuggling while Reagan gushes about how much she loves Amy and wishes she could carry her around in her pocket all day. Just like chapstick! That’s what “chapstick lesbian” means now, it’s official. Reagan is clingy like saran wrap, it turns out. For example, they’re down a cater-waiter tonight at her job, maybe Amy could substitute —

Hark! It’s Karma! KARMA NEEDS A JOB! REAGAN HAS A JOB! PROBLEM SOLVED.

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Some time or perhaps no time at all later, Shane’s lamenting his inability to schedule quality time with Amy now that she’s Lesbian Nesting with Reagan.

Amy: Nesting? We’re not pigeons!
Shane: She’s been staying in your coop every night this week!
Amy: That’s exactly why I need to stay in tonight, I need a little “Me Time.”

Shane suggests Amy tells Reagan she feels suffocated. Amy suggests that Shane tell Duke he outed them. Shane wonders if that angry music is playing in his head. Shane and Amy determine that it’s definitely coming from Lauren’s room… or should I say Lauren’s LAIR? ‘Cause Lauren’s gone A on us, although her hoodie is a little washed out.

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Later that fine evening, Reagan and Karma are in their best drag king duds preparing to cater-waiter the hell out of this event. Hey, they had to hang out alone eventually, right? This’ll be a very interesting night!

Karma’s disappointed to learn that her job will be “sweeper,” which doesn’t actually mean clearing the ball if it happens to get past the defensive lines, it means picking up the sordid remains of shrimp cocktail with her bare hands.

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As you may have predicted, this event is a Squerkle event, which means there’ll be free Yogurtland, on-site hairstylists, a yoga studio and sensual massages with happy endings for everybody after the show. Liam’s lurking in the wings, lamenting his obligation to exist on a stage wearing Skkurkul cyborg glasses that make him look a lot more like Mr. Peanut and a lot less like Brutus the Buckeye.

But really, he’s mostly stressed out about seeing a shirtless male human in Karma’s room last night! Does Zita think Karma and Shirtless Guy are banging?

Intern Baked Zita: He could be a homeless guy that Karma’s helping clean up for his first job interview?
Liam: You think so?
Intern Zita: No, they’re doing it! Liam, if you want her back, just tell her.
Liam: No, she’ll just say no, she hasn’t forgiven me yet.

I’m ready for a spinoff called Lesbian Pigeon Nesters, starting Intern Zita and Lauren as power lesbians. Then Liam accidentally opens the web browser on his glasses and starts reading Autostraddle’s NSFW Sunday archives just as Karma passes by his general area, and immediately freezes —

Reagan’s barely done relishing in Karma’s awkwardness when she spots HER ex. Hey-o!

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Back at Chez Fawcett, Shane and Amy are doing a little walk-through of Lauren’s devotional to Theo.

Amy: This is the work of someone seriously unhinged.
Shane: I always said she could use a good dose of electroshock… she’s standing right behind us, isn’t she?

(She is.)

Lauren suggests they see themselves out, but Shane wants to talk about how Lauren’s revenge fantasies are very impractical. Arsenic takes FOREVER to work, maybe they should try something from Breaking Bad or think about sexually suggestive installation art or dressing him in S&M gear and tying him to a chair in the garage?

Shane: If you wanna get back at Theo, why don’t you just go to his new school and out him as a narc?
Lauren: Outing people? That’s your solution to everything isn’t it? It’s too simple and totally obvious.
Amy: And let’s not forget dangerous! He might get the crap beat out of him by a mob of angry students!
Lauren: Good point, it’s perfect.

These two are experts at pulling the sociopath out of each other.

According to Lauren’s intel, Theo’s been shooting some b-ball outside the school known as Baldwin High, where he’ll certainly be making an appearance at tonight’s pep rally. Just for the record, no school would let an out-of-district non-student over the age of 19 onto their basketball team. If they win, all their games could be stricken from the record!

Amy thinks this is a bad idea but Shane thinks it sounds super-fun! This is very next-level for Amy, who probably was anticipating a long night of making friendship bracelets and eating Pop Rocks while marathoning old episodes of Hannah Montana.

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Back at the OurChart launch party, Reagan’s chatting up her ex with some bitter herbs when her new boyfriend shows up and Charlotte introduces Reagan as “an old friend.” Oh girl. Do not introduce your lesbian ex to your new boyfriend as an old friend, you wicked, wicked lady. You are basically begging for her to blow her nose into your martini glass!

Meanwhile, Karma and Liam finally run right into each other’s clean & clear faces and quickly lie to each other about why Karma’s cater-waitering (“I love it! A new party every night!”) and why Liam’s at a Storkle event to begin with! (“It’s a very long and very boring story.”) You know I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that “being more comfortable lying to your partner than telling them the truth” is a pretty good sign that you shouldn’t be together. BUT WHATEVER.

Liam says he met Karma’s “new friend” last night in her room, but Karma’s like, oh he’s just a friend. JUST LIKE THE SONG. Meanwhile, Liam is also her friend who she occasionally has sex with.

Liam: “I get it. I just didn’t realize that you had other friends?”
Karma: “I do, and you should too.”
Liam: “I should?”
Karma: “Yeah, ’cause you’re just a friendly guy.”

He introduces Zita to Karma as a “new friend” and then announces they’ll be visiting the restroom together, which’s quite a blow to dear Karma. Just then, Reagan shows up, livid after her interaction with Charlotte.

Reagan: “We dated for two years and she’s gonna introduce me as her FRIEND?”
Karma: “Well, Liam just went with his new FRIEND to the bathroom to have sex.”
Reagan: “We can’t let them treat us like this! We have to make them pay.”

Karma doesn’t want blood on her hands, which’s why she never has period sex with Amy and also why Reagan and Karma conclude the best course of action would be to get revenge on each other’s exes! At last they’ve found common ground: theatrics.

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Cut to Karma encouraging Charlotte to enjoy an allegedly vegan item with a toothpick in it.

But before this interaction can turn into a conversation about bullshit shredded beet burgers,  Zita rolls up with some real talk:

Zita: Karma, I’m not sleeping with Liam.
Karma: I could care less. [beat] You’re not?
Zita: Not even a little bit. He only has eyes for you. he’s too noble to tell you this, but I’m not. The guy gave up art to get you and your family out of jail. That’s the deal he made with his Dad.

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Meanwhile, Shane and Lauren are having a hard time trying to break into Baldwin and Amy’s having a hard time convincing them to go home for some McFlurries.

Shane’s shocked to hear that Amy enabled Karma and Reagan spending the evening together, and presses Amy for why she can’t tell Reagan that she needs space. To be fair, Reagan has a way of steamrolling a conversation, but Amy has a way of doing whatever she can to avoid conflict — it’s not a great match, really, but it’s what Amy’s used to, because Karma does the same thing.

Shane: So if you can’t ask for space I’m guessing you didn’t tell her you’re sometimes attracted to guys? If you wanna have a real relationship with Reagan you can’t keep things from her because you’re scared she won’t wanna hear them.

However, before this delightful conversation can proceed for any additional moments of our lives, Lauren busts outside from inside, which she has handily busted into.

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So, Reagan got a roofie from creepy Steve and dissolved it in Liam’s water, which definitely one-ups Karma giving Charlotte a non-vegan egg roll and is AWFUL. Unfortunately, or fortunately, maybe, Liam’s dad rolls up and downs the water before Liam’s lips touch the sweet soft glass. He’s just super nervous about the biggest product launch in company history!

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Lauren and Shane are undercover as cheerleaders and Amy is dressed like a drag king pirate.

They’re gonna sneak in and join the cheer squad in order to take over the microphone and tell everybody that Theo is a narc. Also it looks like they’re working on a really small set.

Amy: Why do I have to be the mascot?
Lauren: Because you have the coordination of a baby goat.
Shane: [to Amy] Is it weird that i’m slightly attracted to you right now?

Lauren is so prepared to out-bitch the head bitch in charge of the cheerleaders, informing her that they’ve been bumped up from JV and fucking DEAL WITH IT! Amy says revenge won’t make Lauren feel better. Lauren says it can’t possibly make her feel worse. I beg to differ.

Lauren and Shane, as anybody could easily predict, completely throw off the routine ’cause they don’t know it.

Now it’s time for the basketball team to make their grand entrance, and Lauren is licking her chops, prepared to make a huge stupid mistake.

Faking It Episode 211 Recap: Stripped and Confused

Hello and welcome to the 11th recap of the second season of “Faking It,” a 90-minute animated musical radio drama from the same network that brought you Yo Momma.

It’s been many months in real time and two weeks in TV-land-time since we last caught up with everybody’s favorite emotional eaters and the white men who steal screen time away from them. I’ve already told you ten things to expect from this season, which you can check out if you’re in a spoilery mood. Now let’s get cracking on the recap!

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We open in a vehicle in the smack-dab early morning dawn of the day, where Karma’s autostraddling Liam in her bra because that’s a good way to keep your hookup on the down-low: do it in a car in broad daylight with the windows rolled down.

Liam exhales, “I love you,” and she’s like “look, if I wanted premature and/or inappropriately early love declarations, I’d be dating women.” Just kidding, she’s annoyed ’cause they’re just supposed to be friends who have sex, not friends who have sex and tell each other that they love each other. Tomato, toMAHto.

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Meanwhile or erstwhile, Lauren’s dealing with her Theo-related stress by aggressively smashing a spoon into her cereal bowl. It’s a good thing Farrah doesn’t have misophonia!

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Don’t worry, it’s not gonna be weird for Karma to give Amy a ride to school. They’ve spent the last two weeks talking everything out, Karma totally forgives her and everything is completely normal and not even remarkably awkward. The degree to which this is totally normal and okay is evidenced by the hearse-like silence in the carpool.

It’s definitely not awkward when Reagan texts Amy a cute pic from their camping trip and Karma says that’s not “how she pictured it,” which means, of course, that she was picturing it.

It’s also absolutely not awkward when Karma jokes that at least this carpool situation enables her to keep an eye on Liam and Amy! It’s certainly not awkward at all when Amy asks why Karma’s discarded her best friends necklace. Those things don’t grow on trees you know, if you want one you’ll have to find a parking spot at the mall and go to Claire’s. Nobody wants to go to Claire’s. Unless you’re 12, in which case you’re probably already at Claire’s, right now, reading this on your mobile phone. (Real talk: I love Claire’s.)

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Back on the sprawling campus of Liberal Oasis Purple High School High, Shane and his boyfriend the MMA fighter are strolling along like two homosexual peas in a pod, holding hands. When Shane suggests that maybe the dude who outed Duke did him a favor, Duke suggests that maybe the best favor he could do this anonymous scoundrel would be to punch him in the throat.

Shane feels awkward about being a liar but Duke thinks Shane’s discomfort is a side effect of losing the student council election to Lauren. “She played the intersex card,” Sean insists. “The school will turn on her when they see her radical agenda.” But before Duke can continue emotionally probing his boyfriend, the winsome twosome come face-to-face with Hester Hippie High School’s latest work of performance art: metal detectors and a guard demanding ID.

Shane: “He’s not a student, this is my professional MMA fighter boyfriend.”
Guard: “Now I’ve seen everything.”

Principal Penelope Delia Fisher wants to make one thing very clear: none of this was her idea.

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We then swing wildly cross-campus into the cheery cafeteria, where Wendy’s imploring Lauren to be a more inspirational leader and maybe talk about being intersex some more, or like how Theo broke her heart or whatnot.

Lauren: “We discussed this. Public figure, private person.”
Wendy: “Okay, then your only other option is to stand up to this new principal. Rally the school behind you.”

Lauren cuts the convo short to tell Shane he’s sitting at her table.

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Amy runs to catch up with Liam to chit-chat about how Karma’s version of forgiveness looks a lot like a lack-of-forgiveness.

But before they can wade too deep into those dangerous waters, the student body is summoned to the grassy knoll for an announcement: they’ve got a new principal! Penelope has been demoted to vice-principal because her entire student body is on dope.

Principal Dickwad: I am not an inspirational leader. I am not here to tell you to dream big or reach for the stars or any of that bullcrap. The recent drug bust exposed a school with dangerously lose academic standards and a complete disregard for how things are done in the real world. I am here to fix that. Trust that it’s for your own good.

The student body responds with booing, except Lauren, who wants to take a walk with the principal and chat, fascist-to-fascist. Meanwhile, Shane wants to plan a protest after school but Liam has to “go to the dentist.” He’s obviously lying, maybe he’s sleeping with the dentist. Shane yells at Penelope but she’s like duddeeee…

Shane: That guy is gonna destroy everything this school stands for!
Penelope: You don’t think I know that? But I barely kept my job and I have three cats to feed. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do… but if a certain student leader were to rally the school in protest…
Shane: Okay, I’m blushing, I’ll do it.
Penelope: You’re gonna talk to Lauren? Thank you! I gotta keep my hands clean.

Karma’s bummed that the school’s got a new reason to think she sucks, besides that her hair always looks better than everybody else’s. First Fake Lesbianism, then “being The Daughter of the Drug Dealers Who Destroyed The School.”

Karma rebuffs Amy’s invitation to go eat their feelings together this fine evening, which I imagine would be only the first item on the agenda for a typical Karmy evening, probably followed by busting out the Disney Karaoke, marrying all their paper dolls and prank-calling the public library to ask if their mini-fridge is still running.

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Cut to Skwerkl, where Liam’s shooting the shit with the shitheads and is decidedly not at the dentist. He meets the new intern, Baked Zita…

…who you may recall from Pretty Little Liars…

…and reveals to her and to us that he too is an intern. Apparently Zita’s got this position ’cause she got stoned and fucked her Dad’s Tesla. This is really taking the “only kids with well-connected Dads get good internships” situation to the next level: not only are uninterested fashionistas snagging coveted internships due to family connections, they’re snagging internships due to family connections as punishments. 

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Back at Hester Horton Hears A Hoo School, Lauren laments Hester’s history of controversially excellent decisions, such as replacing their football field with an organic garden, a.k.a. Buddy Garrety’s worst nightmare.

The principal wants to know how Lauren got elected, considering that her views veer so dramatically from the majority of the voting population. Well, Lauren is amazing, to begin with. But Lauren explains that she’s learned how to manipulate idiots, which means she’s got a prosperous career as a Tea Party politician ahead of her!

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Cut to Karma’s room, where she’s deciding which hangers and which tunics she’ll bestow upon the good people of Goodwill and which she’ll keep in a “keep” box when Amy shows up. She’s gotta return Karma’s copy of 50 Shades, which took her four years to read. Probably because it’s terrible.

But WHAT IN GODDESS’S NAME IS GOING ON IN HERE.

Amy: “Where are all your things? You love things?”

Karma says something bullshitty about spring cleaning when suddenly Felix pops in. Who’s Felix?

Karma: “Uhhh Felix here is my new GBF. He’s helping me take my wardrobe from drab to fab. Isn’t that right, Felix?”
Felix: “Yes, it is? And not only am I gay but I’m also a walking stereotype!”

Amy sees herself out, horrified (I imagine) that Faking It has added a new main character to the cast and that character is not being played by Brittani Nichols, while Felix expresses his horror that Karma just told Amy he’s gay ’cause you know what, he’s not gay. Karma is like, oh trust me, being fake gay is the best.

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