feature image via shutterstock.
Hey it’s summer and you know what that means, it’s time to shove ice cream in your mouth-hole! One time I heard the ice cream truck outside and I was like, can we have ice cream, and my fascist mother was like, no, and my Dad was like yeah sure go catch the truck and you can have ice cream, and I was like, ON IT and then, in my socks, I sprinted five blocks ’til I finally caught it. I got a rock in my sock but it was the best moment OF MY ENTIRE LIFE and obviously I got a strawberry shortcake bar because I’M NOT STUPID.
10. Klondike Bar
I know this is like THE CLASSIC but for me, ice cream bars are an opportunity to get really sticky and young, and I feel like Klondike Bars are really sticky and grown-up. Even though they’re delicious, they’re not really exceptional, but nevertheless I included it on this list in hopes that whomever would rank this sucker as #1 can explain themselves to me.
9. King Cone
runner-up: Nestle Drumsticks
I always felt like I was in a race against time with this situation, but it was a good race, like where at the end you get a gold medal made of corn syrup.
8. The Dairy Queen Dilly Bar
“Real talk the Dilly Bar is a classic move.” – my pal Abby
7. Creamsicles
I like how every Creamsicle is a little bit fucked up, like the middle is sort of lopsided or otherwise compromised. It makes me feel like it came from real oranges and cream.
6. Snickers Ice Cream Bars
This is a thing you can get at the bodega when you deserve it, like right now! If I still lived in a place with a bodega on the corner, I would get one right now, because I deserve it. It’s way better than an actual Snickers bar, even, because nougat is bullshit.
5. Nestle Crunch Bar
There is absolutely nothing about this situation that isn’t simply delicious and I don’t even like regular Nestle Crunch Bars.
4. Choco Taco
“I wanted to be aloof to the Choco Taco, be above it and never think of it again. But I couldn’t be! You can’t be aloof the fucking Choco Taco! It’s everything — literally everything — that’s right about a chocolate + vanilla + nut + waffle cone situation… IN THE SHAPE OF A TACO.” – Laneia
3. Real Fruit Bars
These are the only ice cream bars I actually eat regularly and sometimes I can eat three of these in one day. While eating the second bar of the day I tend to think, “am I only doing this because I work from home?” and then I decide, “working at home is awesome.” One time I accidentally bought some other brand that didn’t have any Authentic Real Fruit Pulpy Bits® in it and it ruined my whole entire life.
via drumstick.com
2. Push-Pops
We already talked about Push-Pops when I decided to spend an entire day ranking 100 Things That Are Orange, but there’s never any moment besides CONSTANTLY to talk about Push-Pops. Best thing The Flinstones ever did besides inventing vitamins.
via drumstick.com
1. Strawberry Shortcake Bar
Runner-Up: Toasted Almond Bar
Once upon a time I went to Sarah Lawrence for about ~5 minutes/one semester and the dorm I always hung out in had an ICE CREAM VENDING MACHINE featuring Strawberry Shortcake bars! I’ve never seen another vending machine that sells ice cream bars, but I was in heaven. It was like a friend from elementary school set up shop in my basement and was selling me sweet memories for $1.75 a pop.
Whoever came up with this shit is a motherfucking genius. Sometimes I look at this website and think, holy moly, I have done something with my life. But then I bite into the texture and flavor explosion that is a Strawberry Shortcake bar and I’m like, I have done nothing with my life because I didn’t invent this ice cream bar. It’s like someone made a big magenta-and-white cake for astronauts and then crumbled it up and then found a shot of sweet sweet strawberry pulp having sex with a scoop of vanilla cream and hugged it forever and then put it in a truck and sold it to people like you and me. Life is beautiful.
Riese, I’ve never been tempted to try a strawberry shortcake bar, but I’m pretty sure your description has changed my heart and mind.
IT’S SO GOOD MELISSA
i dont like the strawberry shortcake bars because the outside is always soggy or grainy the toffee,caramel crunch on or mint chocolate chip would be my all time favorite and i just bought several boxes of the outshine pops and they are the closest thing to guilt free ice cream money can buy
I ate a drumstick earlier today. Awesome decision…. but I am currently sitting at a local park, smoking a cigar. If the ice cream truck comes around I am running to that thing at full speed and asking for a ninja turtle ice cream… ya know, the ones that looks like a ninja turtle with the bubble gum eyes?
I swear I’m an adult.
THANK YOU I WAS SCREAMING NINJA TURTLES AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN THIS WHOLE TIME.
I had to sign up just to post this (it’s not just the name either, they are amazing)
A THOUSAND TIMES YES
I clicked on this list to see if anyone had posted this!!! Well played Brook, well played.
Can someone confirm the existence of an ice cream that was bubblegum flavored and the stick was actually made of gum? I’m pretty sure I spent an entire summer getting my tongue stuck to it but nobody I’ve spoken to can remember. #seriousproblems
Oh there was an ice cream with bubble gum in the middle, I can’t remember what it was called but there was a summer when everyone was obsessed with them.
I remember one with a gumball nose- cowboy something?
This still is a thin gin germany. i want to post a pic, but am unable to.
That’s still is a thing in Germany. I want to post a pic, but am unable to.
I’ve never actually gotten ice cream from an ice cream truck however the strawberry shortcake bar and the choco taco are my favorite. Someone should come chase after an ice cream truck with me.
Apparently rainbow birthday cake ice cream pops are a thing now. I have not tried them, so I don’t know how good they are, but I see them being sold in Central Park.
if they have these at the store today I’M GETTING THEM
Wow *stunned silence*
game changer!
My love for ice cream novelties is virtually boundless! Some comments:
-I love Drumsticks and all other cone-themed novelties (see #9), mainly because of that glorious pyramid of chocolatey goodness found deep in the point of the cone.
-Did you know you can DIY choco tacos? I read about this yesterday and was amazed: https://food52.com/recipes/28771-choco-tacos
-It feels antithetical to the spirit of this list to mention all the fancy, snobby ice cream delights that can now be bought at trucks that frequent high-end neighborhoods– and yet they are so delicious. Ben & Jerry’s ice cream bars! Dove bars! Magnum bars! That thick layer of real chocolate (NOT “chocolatey”) shell is the stuff that dreams are made of.
-ICE CREAM SANDWICHES?!
Yes, that was 4 comments in one comment. I apologize.
Riese, I love everything you ever write, even when it’s only “vapid fluff”! But, I must defend Klondike bars as the most delicious ice cream treat. Maybe I was just never enough of a kid to want to be really messy, but the fact that they are relatively easy to eat is a huge selling point. Also they are delicious and you can get them in chocolate or vanilla, and I don’t really need anything fancier than that.
i find them SO messy though! like the coating crumbles a little bit and a tiny piece of chocolate coating always gets on my shirt. maybe i just make everything messy because i’m a hot mess
Great list! Chasing the ice cream truck is one of my fondest/only memories from my time in dirty jerz when I was a kid. I would usually get the random character pops because I thought it was so cool (it was).
“Facist mother” here – That’s not how I remember the story. What I remember is you and your brother asking for ice cream from the ice cream truck and before I could say anything your dad said, ‘sure, if you can catch it”. What you didn’t hear me say was “what!! did you just send those 2 out to catch a moving vehicle?” and then he and I went sprinting out after you. And when we (your dad first because he ran a lot faster than I could) did catch up with you, we all got ice cream. Mine was Strawberry Shortcake.
love, -mom-
MOMMMMMM
Regular Klondike bars aren’t bad, but if you’ve never consumed a Reese’s Klondike bar and felt like you were in actual heaven, you need to seriously reassess your priorities in life.
Also, Snickers ice cream bars. That’s all I have to say.
I also find the Heath Klondike bars to be particularly delicious.
Hell no, you are NOT STUPID!!! but you should have chosen the “common folks” ice cream bar…. Blue Bell’s Moo Bar!!!! for heaven’s sake….. not one of those elitist fandango four syllable ….. what the hell?……. shortcake? isn’t ice cream ….. robber baron gizmos….No matter how speedy your arse is getting to the PROMISED TRUCK…..
Mooooooooooooooooo Bars!
Hellooooooiiiioiooooooo!
I work at a summer opera festival, and we have an ice cream truck that comes every Tuesday and Thursday. I used to get a mango Italian ice every time, but now I’m really into the Chips Galore cookie ice cream sandwich.
This post reminded how much my mom loves (loved?) Choco Tacos and would never share with me when I was a kid.
I grew up with nieve mexicana de limon. Omg soo refreshing and sooo good.
and now, thanks to this post, I wanna ditch the office and head to Trader Joe’s and go grab some of these:
If you are in the Pacific Northwest area and can find Tillamook brand ice cream, EAT IT! They have new ice cream bars, which I haven’t eaten yet but I am sure are great. Their normal ice cream is amazing! They have a few new flavors I am in love with: White Chocolate Raspberry Swirl, Oregon Hazelnut and Salted Caramel, Caramel Butter Pecan, and Cinnamon Bun Swirl. Umpqua is also good.
Ah, the Choco Taco. A great source of family lore in my household, due to my (late) grandfather. When he was around ninety years old, ninety-one, I think, he visited a gas station with some of my relatives. They asked him if he wanted anything and he said he was fine, then as they were leaving he said “You know what? I’m in the mood for a Choco Taco. I’m going to get myself one of those.” And so he went back in and did. It has always been the story I remember him by.
Also Push-Up Pops and Orange Creamsicles were my childhood.
Choco Taco = stuffed with ice cream, nuts, and lore. It’s on the box.
You are so right about the strawberry shortcake bars!!!! I want an ice cream vending machine in my house that’s only filled with strawberry shortcake bars.
It’s called the freezer, lol.
Ok I have looked everywhere for a place to buy those delicious amazing incredible scrumptious divine strawberry shortcake bars and I just cannot find them. I can find like a million creamsicle bars and recipes and shit but NO STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE BARS.
Someone hold me.
!! i thought they sold them in grocery stores! also in the cooler at the corner store if you have a corner store
I used to love these:
and these days I think these are a thing of beauty:
like seriously it’s kinda criminal that you can’t find those Mickey ones anymore
Calippo – great when you’re thirsty too, need an instant sugar hit, or only have one hand free.
Feast – delicious chocoately goodness. Need I say any more?
MR WHIPPY 99 – THE GOD OF ICE CREAMS. Ice cold, fake creamy awesomeness on a cone, with optional Cadbury flake and even faker, sticky sweet sauce. The pinnacle of the British Summer.
Posts about junk food, past and present, are my FAVOURITE!
I could conduct a 3-hour lecture on discontinued cereals. You think I’m joking…
Sounds like my kind of lecture! :-) do you remember corn pops?
Remember? We’ve still got ’em in Canada. Are they not around in the US anymore?
I had them growing up ( in Australia) and they have gone away like pop tarts! Though I found them once at a random corner store that sold American food. I also found lucky charms! It was a good day :-)
Also, for any Canadians in central/southern Ontario or near the Quebec/Ontario border, I’ve got three words:
Kawartha Ice Cream
You’re welcome.
UK kids – Mint cornettos and twisters? Those were the BEST
nice, but you cant beat the classic iceberger
Today my mom made peach ice cream and it was great.
AND
One time I was in a tiny town hidden away in the mountains of Belgium and yet SOMEHOW through the MAGIC OF HOPE an ice cream truck found us and they had violet-flavored ice cream and I ATE IT. It was great.
My first thought about violet-flavored ice cream was confusion over what a color could possible taste like. Then I remembered violets are a flower not just a color…..
Is the color named after the flower? Or the flower after the color? QUESTIONS.
i never had an ice cream truck to chase as a kid because i mostly lived on the outskirts of the backwoods in the middle of nowhere my entire childhood. but in one place i lived for a little while, i had the schwan’s delivery man who for a few blessed weeks out of the year came to my house and brought chocolate sundae crunch bars and good lord if that wasn’t my very favorite thing about about being alive. i hadn’t actually thought or heard about schwan’s for years until i saw this post, and for a second i thought to myself ‘that actually happened right? some guy brought delicious ice cream bars to my house?’ but after some googling i was assured that he and his ice cream were/are very real. he was the hero i needed as a bored, isolated nine-year-old living in the country, and i can only hope that my schwan’s man continues to do this very important work for other desperate children in rural downstate illinois.
I also grew up in the woods and while my family didn’t get Schwanns, many of my classmates did and I grew up hearing many ice cream legends.
Growing up, we were never allowed things with artificial flavors/colors, so when I went to high school and found out we had one of those mythical ice cream vending machines with STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE BARS, I thought “wow this is what it is to be an adult… this is incredible!” And basically ate way too many of those, if that is possible. But they still make me think of those early high school days, and how excited I was to be an adult, haha.
we weren’t allowed ot have things with artificial flavors/colors either! because of my fascist mother JK MOM YOU WERE JUST LOOKING OUT FOR US I WILL DEFINITELY DO THE SAME FOR MY OWN CHILDREN ONE DAY (no but really)
No Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle head popsicle? LOL. No.1 is actually sold at the 99 cents store 5 mins from my house..I had this Jolly Ranchers popsicle the other day from the ice cream truck. Now I can’t find it in store. The choco taco you can buy from wholesale our in the Woodland Hills area here in LA if anyone is interested. Come on a whole box of 30 for only $10?? =D Also, I miss the Good Humor.
1. WHERE THE FUDGSICLES AT???!!!
2. Snickers bars ice cream is on point
3. I’m also really offended that Otter Pops were not included
4. Ice cream is very important
I always loved Klondike bars because they didn’t have popsicle sticks in them. I hate the taste the wooden stick leaves in your mouth when you are eating a popsicle.
I was always partial to this guy:
Random thoughts:
Ice cream trucks in Australia are boring. Soft serve choc tops? Bleh.
In addition to Golden Gaytimes (BEST ICE CREAM NAME EVER) I love Magnums and those Connesieur ones you can get at the grocery store. Mmm.
Also it’s winter here WHY ARE YOU SO HEMISPHEREIST
This is some bullshit. KING CONE #1!!!!
What about maxibons? Do you guys have these or just Australia ( maybe NZ too?)
Half ice-cream sandwich and half choc coated ice cream ( like what a Klondike bar looks like)
Best part is, you hold the sandwich side whilst eating keeps it mess free! ( I too am a total mess) :-)
Yes Flintstones Push Ups!!
There is one of those ice cream vending machines in my office and I have to use the far stairs just so I don’t walk past it and give in to temptation every day. Now you made it hard for me to pick which one I want! I love it when it opens up the box and a vacuum tube picks up the ice cream. It also has Hot Pockets, which rank well below the worst possible ice cream.
I was so confused when you mentioned strawberry shortcake bars and then I discovered that some of these have different names in Ireland and the UK.
King Cones- Cornettos
Strawberry Shortcake- Brunch
Creamsickle – Super Split
Does creamsickle not sound icky and vaguely sexual to anyone else?
Firstly I think the Classic Ice Cream Sandwich should have been on the list! There is nothing better then biting into two soft chocolate cookies with vanilla ice cream center. Secondly thanks for clarifying what a Choco Taco was. When Deanbra was in search of her missing Choco Taco in an episode of the Most Popular Girls in School, I had no idea what it was. Lastly what about a rocket pop?
O MAN CHOCO TACOS. I clearly remember buying them from the cafeteria in high school like every Friday… and me and my friends were convinced that you couldn’t eat them right away or they weren’t as good…you had to let them get a little melty and then shove the whole thing in your mouth in like 2.5 bites.
oh high school
Oh Autostraddle, you know the way to my heart. :3
BTW, Bronxville/Yonkers shoutout!!! (Never went to SLC but live here.)
Ummmmm excuse me hello are we forgetting the most important, life transforming creation of all time?? The endless delights and sweet simplicity of the classic fudgesicle, cheap and delicious, certain to leave a ring of chocolate around your mouth and a ring of joy around your heart.
And don’t knock a good klondike bar, especially Klondike Heath! My first girlfriend and I, rebels that we were, used to leave school early at least once a week to buy a box of klondikes and eat the whole thing before whatever nonsensical teenage date we had planned. We called ourselves Klondykes because we were oh-so original and full of wit.
SOLERO SOLERO SOLERO!
So much fruity goodness, are they available in USA?
Or Mini milks. The height of sophistication when you are 7 and your total ‘income’ is like 50p a week, plus tooth money. Three flavours, only 10p, you could have ice cream for days.
There was ice cream vending machine in the lobby of my dorm (that one year I unfortunately attended Purdue, just Purdon’t kids). That vending machine and its seemingly unlimited supply of creamsicles was really there for me and my depression that year. I will defend creamsicles until the ends of Earth.