This Woman Asking for Advice About Her Gay Affair Should Leave Her Husband, Be Gay, Do Crimes

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This week, the Sun published a fascinating letter in their Dear Deidre advice column, in which a (presumably straight?) (presumably real???) married woman describes falling in love with another young mother at her child’s school and wonders if their tawdry extramarital affair is built to last.

Just one section of the entire, glorious letter

Her husband, she explains, spends lots of his time away at “cycling weekends” and seems appreciative that his wife doesn’t mind his frequent absences. The letter is creatively peppered with stock photos of thin, femme-presenting predominantly white women gallivanting provocatively in black lacy lingerie and describes a “hilarious” evening that began with too much wine and ended with forbidden romance. Now the pair “get loved up, romantic and close when we can,” a sentence literally nobody has ever said. While the girlfriend seems content to keep things quiet and not disrupt either of their apparently very boring marriages, the writer dreams of leaving her husband and starting fresh.

Deidre tells this woman that her affair sounds rather one-sided, in that the writer wishes to take their relationship to the next level and the girlfriend does not. She suggests that the writer end the affair before it gets out of hand and attempt to reignite the passion between herself and her husband.

This advice, of course, is incorrect. On behalf of bisexuals everywhere, I’d like to take this opportunity to speak candidly to the writer and offer my own advice.

While this letter reads like a PG-13 letter to Penthouse in a lot of ways, I’m for now going to work under the assumption this situation is real. Listen, sister – like it or not, your girlfriend is not interested in leaving her husband for you. Deidre’s right on that count. What you are describing as love is likely heavily influenced by the thrill of keeping a secret, and I suspect if things were out in the open you might not be quite so passionate about this relationship. You haven’t indicated whether or not you’ve had experiences with women previously; if you haven’t, in my experience most people fall hard and fast for their first girlfriend and usually end up crying. You are going to become the living embodiment of a t.A.T.u. song and girl, it’s not going to be pretty. (If there’s one thing t.A.T.u. taught us, it’s that things don’t have to be “real” to be “emotionally devastating.”)

I have no idea what your husband is getting up to on his “cycling weekends” but I’m putting it in quotes because if we were speaking about it in person, I’d be using air quotes every time I mentioned it. You’ve already mentioned wanting to leave him, but perhaps you should consider whether that stems from dissatisfaction within the relationship and/or this affair specifically. Personally, I think you sound like you’d be happier starting over regardless of your relationship status with this woman, and the world could potentially be your queer oyster. Leave your cycling husband. Kiss girls. Come to A-Camp. Get weird.

Deidre also recommends checking out her e-leaflet called “Bisexual Worries.” She does not link to it, and a cursory googling leads to several other articles in which she recommends the same e-leaflet. We as a community have enough to worry about, but this fruitless search stressed me the fuck out.

In short, my advice is to leave your husband, be gay and do crimes. Your husband wants to go cycling, your girlfriend wants to have clandestine relations with other ladies from the PTA and you deserve to live your best life.

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Stef

Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 464 articles for us.

73 Comments

  1. Great advice Steff but I mean this is The Sun so we can’t be completely sure it’s not made up and frankly it sounds suspiciously like A Simple Favor fanfiction to me?

    (There is not enough of it out there so far ok!)

  3. SHUT UP, DEIDRE!

    All I know is that I would for sure watch a bad movie about their affair on Netflix.

      • I don’t know … it’s a mess and AWOL was a mess all right, but this gives me more “bored housewives have a bit too much wine on the sofa in the candlelight and little comes of it” vibes than “hot mess in need of professional help and stupid teenager have codependent sex in a trailer park and blow up one of their lives”.

  5. Did a little digging. It turns out she wants you to email or dm her for the e-leaflet. Seriously considering doing so, for science and lols

      • One of my preschoolers tried to tell me a joke the other day.

        Him: “What do you call a bicycle that keeps hitting me?”
        Me: “I don’t know. What?”
        Him: [clearly knows he doesn’t have it right, but tries anyway] “A… fist bicycle?”

        Him, 5 minutes later: “A vicious bicycle.” [finally it clicks] A vicious cycle!”

        This could easily double as the conversation after a bicycle weekend. :-D

    • Goddamnit this is also a great comment. In the trashfire of 2018, we are blessed with this rich-as-fuck content to make bisexual jokes about forever.

  8. OH GOD WE NEED TO CREATE A BISEXUAL WORRIES POST

    1. How do I change my outfit to flag I’m bi depending on whether I’m out with a girl or a guy or someone NB?

    2. How do I get my family to take my gf seriously?

    3. How do I get my queer friends to take my bf seriously?

    4. Should I get a dog or a cat?

    ….and on….

    • Please note I’m not sure if I’m bi or just have Libra rising, so probably someone with less bisexual worries should write this.

      Oh, wait.

      • “Please note I’m not sure if I’m bi or just have Libra rising”

        SNAELLE YOU HAVE KILLED ME

      • Bisexual libra rising feeling very called out over here.

        (Also consider myself ambiamorous, and I have what Vettius Valens would describe as a polygamous or licentious Venus on account of her meddling with Mercury, which, of course, is a shifty, multigendered planet, so you could probably also read bi-cycles into that)

  11. A while back I read an article about „Skirt clubs“ which are sex parties for women, who enjoy the heterosexual lifestyle otherwise.
    Then I stumbled across another article and another.. and these things are actually real!
    Here’s the brand video: https://vimeo.com/117639738

      • Presumably what I would need a lot of to “enjoy the heterosexual lifestyle”.

        Also, speaking of, that video is also very, very Class A White.

        • Everything is just wrong.
          Not least of all the fact that they turn down people who they find don’t serve their beauty standards.

          • Yes, so wrong! It’s like they have a list of prejudices they’re ticking off, just to make sure they’re not missing any.

    • I matched with one of the people who host those events, they were not cool with the question I asked, or the fact I wasn’t within their binary definition of women, which is femmes(presumably cis though trans woman who had bottom surgery might be accepted, she didn’t want to answer those questions).

    • I didn’t think I could be bored by a minute and a half video about women (allegedly) having sex and yet here we are….

  12. Thank you for pulling me out of my current-events-anxiety spiral with this delightful gem of sound advice!

  13. I haven’t read the article because I won’t let The Sun profit from me reading anything they have written, but this letter was definitely invented so they could publish photos of scantily clad feminine women as objectifying women and hating minority groups are their raison d’etre.

  14. You know, as someone who somehow has remained a fan of t.A.T.u, That line you have there of “(If there’s one thing t.A.T.u. taught us, it’s that things don’t have to be “real” to be “emotionally devastating.”)” may be the best explanation I’ve ever seen for it, STOLEN!

  15. Managed to spend the last fifteen years without having that t.A.T.u song RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD but RIP me I guess. Feed my ferrets for me when I’m gone.

  18. Bless you for including Jill Solbule’s “I Kissed A Girl” ? When Katy Perry’s song of the same name came out I was like “rip off!” And sadly, no one knew what I was talk about

  19. Omg, I dated a married woman a few years ago who’s husband was super into cycling and triathlons,and now I’m wondering if it could be the same person! ?

    We broke up over a fight about teddy bear toast.

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