Some names in the essay have been changed.
This post was originally written in 2017 and republished in 2021

Illustration by Sarah Sarwar
It was Christmas Day and we were somewhere between New Mexico and Arizona. I sat in the backseat of my family’s gold Expedition staring out the window at the winter desert. I'd thought once the semester was over, this whole mess would dissipate and I'd be able to breathe. I'd kept telling myself just make it to December — once you’re with your family, everything will be ok. But it was December and I was in a car with my family on our way to Disneyland and I still felt a heaviness in my chest. My dad was driving, my mom was dozing off, my sister was fast asleep on her neck pillow and my brother was fidgeti...