A Cursory Explainer of This Summer’s Verified UFO News, Somehow a Real Phenomenon
A few months ago, Twitter was briefly rocked by a set of X-Files-esque revelations, most notably that Air Force pilots had been reporting strange sightings of unidentified craft and also the fact that also for years, the Pentagon has been funding a classified program researching the possibility of UFOs. Chill! As is the case with everything these days, this news that would once have seemed necessarily world-changing quickly faded into obscurity and a distant sense of bafflement, drowned out by trying to parse the constant deluge of information related to the concentration camps the US has instituted at the border, the rising tide of a fascist miltary police state, and the question of whether the president has declared war on any other nations via Twitter. As I watched “Area 51” become a trending topic and meme format over the weekend and idly wondered whether we were about to enact Independence Day, I found myself wishing for some sort of brief explainer on the UFO-related events of the past few months, just so one could have some semblance of a fuck of an idea what was going on. Not having found one, I have decided to be the change I want to see in the world. Here, for you, a cursory and incomplete timeline.
December 2017
In 2017, the New York Times casually revealed the exposé that the Pentagon has had, essentially, a UFO research program since 2007. It was spearheaded by Democratic speaker of the house Harry Reid and appears to have been working in partnership with the aerospace “a billionaire entrepreneur and longtime friend of Mr. Reid’s, Robert Bigelow,” who is “‘absolutely convinced’ that aliens exist and that U.F.O.s have visited Earth.” Anecdotally, the program was also supported by astronaut John Glenn, and had the involvement of several senators who said that they had also seen objects whose origin they couldn’t explain while in the Air Force. In more direct terms, the arrangement of Pentagon ‘black money’ being used to contract with Bigelow Aerospace for this project does in fact mean that large amounts of classified military money was given to a billionaire friend of Harry Reid’s to research UFOs while the year-old Trump Administration worked on dismantling the functionality of the federal government.
May 2019
Yet another NYT story (really on top of the UFO beat!) shared the stories of multiple Navy pilots who, during training based on an aircraft carrier off the East Coast, consistently reported multiple encounters with flying objects that seemed to defy the basic logistics of flight, reaching unthinkable speeds with no exhaust or changing direction sharply and effortlessly in midair. They didn’t believe they were military flight experiments or government-approved drones; why would they be in their flight paths without any warning? The pilots were alarmed enough and confident enough about what they’d seen to file formal reports.
“Lieutenant Accoin said he interacted twice with the objects. The first time, after picking up the object on his radar, he set his plane to merge with it, flying 1,000 feet below it. He said he should have been able to see it with his helmet camera, but could not, even though his radar told him it was there. A few days later, Lieutenant Accoin said a training missile on his jet locked on the object and his infrared camera picked it up as well. “I knew I had it, I knew it was not a false hit,” he said. But still, “I could not pick it up visually.”
“…The pilot and his wingman were flying in tandem about 100 feet apart over the Atlantic east of Virginia Beach when something flew between them, right past the cockpit. It looked to the pilot, Lieutenant Graves said, like a sphere encasing a cube. The incident so spooked the squadron that an aviation flight safety report was filed, Lieutenant Graves said. The near miss, he and other pilots interviewed said, angered the squadron, and convinced them that the objects were not part of a classified drone program. Government officials would know fighter pilots were training in the area, they reasoned, and would not send drones to get in the way.”
These pilots’ stories were brought back to the public eye in part because of the airing of a new History Channel miniseries, Unidentified: Inside America’s UFO Investigation, heavily featuring former director of the Pentagon’s Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program (AATIP) Luis Elizondo. Elizondo resigned in 2017 “to protest what he characterized as excessive secrecy and internal opposition” — “Why aren’t we spending more time and effort on this issue?” Mr. Elizondo wrote in a resignation letter to Defense Secretary Jim Mattis.”
June 2019
According to Politico, perhaps Elizondo is getting his wish — at least three US senators were confirmed to have received briefings on UFOs from the Pentagon, the specific content of which was unclear. Staff were not authorized to speak publicly about the briefings.
“There are people coming out of the woodwork,” said one former government official who has participated in some of the meetings. A current intelligence official added: “More requests for briefings are coming in.” The sessions have been organized by the Navy but have also included staff from the under secretary of Defense for Intelligence, the sources said. Both were not authorized to talk publicly about the briefings.”
Around the same time, President Trump gave a meandering statement to ABC news that didn’t clear much up but did seem to confirm he has also been briefed on the situation of pilots reporting unexplained craft.
“I think it’s probably – I want them to think whatever they think,” the president told ABC News. “They do say, and I’ve seen, and I’ve read, and I’ve heard. And I did have one very brief meeting on it. But people are saying they’re seeing UFOs. Do I believe it? Not particular.” Asked if he would be told if extraterrestrial life was found, Trump said: “We’re watching, and you’ll be the first to know.”
It’s impossible to really tell how much of a priority the question of extraterrestrial life is being made internal to the US government; more than ever, it seems obvious the US government itself is unclear on how much of a priority any given issue is. Is someone asking Nancy Pelosi every morning whether she wants to get in on the UFO briefing, in addition to inquiring as to the status of impeachment proceedings and, you know, what the plan is for closing the concentration camps? Unclear.
(Also in June came this story, which looks back at a 1973 reported abduction, recently given its own historical plaque commemorating its occurrence and remarkable credibility.)
In the last weeks of June, “mysterious white spheres” were spotted above Kansas City; some think they may have been DARPA balloons, but there’s no official confirmed explanation. The orbs were the subject of a town hall meeting in the area this week. For those who have been following along closely from home, the same Navy pilots the NYT reported on were describing “whitish ovals object[s]… described as a giant Tic Tac” in 2004.
July 2019
July 2nd was World UFO Day! Just a fun fact. July 4th was the unofficial holiday of Independence Day, arguably the greatest alien invasion movie of all time. Were either of these the reason why digital youths began a meme centered around storming Area 51? We may never know; like Wendy realizing she can no longer fly with pixie dust, I have found I can no longer speak the language of youths. Anyways, someone (probably teens?) created a Facebook event dedicated to overcoming Area 51, the storied open-secret alien investigation government black site, on September 20. Let the memes begin, etc.
It probably first started on TikTok, where impossibly young humans—born after 2001 somehow—do 15-second sketches usually set to music. Then maybe Reddit? Or Instagram. Can’t say for sure. But the attention from the government and local news stations around the country has only attracted more memes, which then pushed the meme narrative forward, from crashing Area 51 in order to “save” the aliens, to planning what they’re going to do with their alien after they “get” him, to distracting the guards in order to “clap” the aliens’ “cheeks.”
As many have extremely correctly observed, the joke is either very thoughtless or very pointed considering that there are currently very provably real government sites holding very real, non-alien humans captive in the same desert as Area 51 and in fact all 50 US states; the event’s observation that “they can’t stop all of us” seems… well, first of all, true. Teens! Who can tell what they mean by anything.
Aside from some nervous-sounding requests to, you know, not do that from the Air Force, it seems that the Area 51 meme and its progeny will run its course soon, until the next alarming outer-space-related news event that we are now almost completely unable to contextualize meaningfully as a culture. Until then, if you do feel your interest piqued by the idea of testing out the power of a populace moving in concert toward a shared goal against consolidated military state power, interesting idea, maybe to be explored outside the format of a public facebook event! The truth is out there, etc.
Here’s What the Gillian Anderson Character You’re Most Attracted to Says About You
Obviously we all lost our shit over Gillian Anderson’s turn in Sex Education, but she has so many timelessly hot roles to choose from. Here’s what your deepest Gillian Anderson fantasy says about who you are as a person.
Dana Scully, The X-Files
The most intense turn-on you can imagine is the woman you’re with correcting a man in front of you in great detail and with supporting evidence. You hate being wrong but you love arguing. You like listening to someone else chatter mindlessly about their hyperspecific interest you don’t share while you’re mindlessly playing on your phone or falling asleep in the passenger seat on a road trip. You’re not over the 90s, and refuse to admit that you read your horoscope and your crush’s.
Stella Gibson, The Fall
Other people are using it as a turn of phrase when they say they want the object of their desire to “run me over with a car” or “crush my head in a vise;” you are completely serious. You like your women to be smarter and more competent than you and, again this cannot be overemphasized, potentially open to fully murdering you. You probably still have a crush on a previous boss or other authority figure who you never fully managed to impress but you’re pretty sure you got really close to it once.
Jean Milburn, Sex Education
You have a thing for mommis and also actual mommy issues — either your mom was uninvolved and distant and so Jean’s brand of smothering feels nurturing, OR your mom was also smothering but not as lovingly and so Jean feels intoxicatingly familiar. You insist on full-fat milk and yogurt and probably actually own placemats. Also you appreciate a good robe, duh.
Blanche DuBois, A Streetcar Named Desire
You have unsettlingly good internet sleuthing skills, probably honed over years of searching for fanfiction featuring extremely specific elements. You were either a theater kid or the kid who got in trouble for reading under their desk during class and was not extroverted enough to hang out with even the theater kids. You really rise to the occasion when your drunk friends need a team captain to get everyone out of the bar and into the Lyft to get home.
Media, American Gods
You listened to the Dresden Dolls in high school and have strongly considered attending a ComicCon. You own several pair of Docs and went through a houndstooth phase but that’s all over now. You are very ready with gifs immediately on hand in the group chat, always.
Dr. Bedelia du Maurier, Hannibal
You’re into kink, or more specifically you’re very into testing people’s limits. You grew up financially comfortable and although you don’t consider yourself a snob, you refuse to drink well liquor. You’re a cat person. You own multiple pairs of glasses, for fashion. You’re passive aggressive in text messages with your parents.
Moro, Princess Mononoke
Your deodorant doesn’t have aluminum in it. You have an ex in a folk-punk band; you guys still talk sometimes. You’re happy to get kicked out of a bar for picking a fight with the guy who made fun of your friend’s karaoke performance. You care about your dog more than any of your friends or partners and feel totally fine about that.
The singular X-Files-themed photoshoot she did with David LaChapelle for Rolling Stone in 1997
You have truly immaculate taste, and have never had a wrong thought or belief ever in your life. You belong in some sort of leadership position, providing guidance and strength to your community. Thank you so much for everything, you’re so wise.
27 X-Files Monsters of the Week, Ranked by Gayness
We’ve discussed the arguably gay women of The X-Files, and obviously Dana Scully at length. But it’s time to answer a different pressing question: how gay are the monsters of the week*?
*Although a monster-of-the-week episode comprises anything that isn’t germane to the overarching alien mythology plot, we are today focusing on actual monsters. For the purposes of this list, things that are not monsters: evil humans, humans with special powers, humans who have undergone some terrible transformation to give them powers like werewolves or vampires, aliens, religious entities like angels or the actual literal devil, possessed or reincarnated people. Ghosts count though, and also demons and computers.
27. Vele Demon, “Terms of Endearment”
He lies to, cheats on and manipulates multiple women while attempting to control their reproductive choices and losing it when he can’t. He’s literally just a regular dude who happens to also be a demon.
26. Slug cult leader, “Roadrunner”
We can all agree that this gross sentient slug parasite that has gained a cult following willing to trap innocent passersby for it is a lot! Lot going on here. This sentient slug does not respect bodily autonomy and is also very gross.
25. Golem, “Kaddish”
The golem’s mission in this case is pretty admirable, avenging antisemitism after being tragically separated from his love by death, but it isn’t gay.
24. Greg Pincus/Shapeshifting soul-sucking monster, “Folie a Deux”
Greg Pincus’s reign of terror and psychological torture is, for good reason, deeply linked to corporate America and his outer shell as an amiable straight white man as a cover for his inner shell as an enormous insect monster that somehow turns people into zombies. Not gay!
23. Ghosts, “Elegy”
These seem like very nice girls! They’re not gay, though, even a little bit.
22. Silicon based parasite, “Firewalker”
If this were a silicone-based parasite there would be a joke in here about the girl you dated in college who gave you your first strap-on and moved into your dorm room after two weeks, but alas.
21. Tachistoscopic images, “Wetwired”
This episode was super messed up! I refuse to believe that anyone gay would do this to Dana Scully.
20. Flukeman, “The Host”
Hard to say what this one is into other than hanging out in sewers, being gross and creepy. Tough to read. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are sort of middle-of-the-road mildly gay.
19. Parasitic Ice Worms, “Ice”
Points out the gate for the baseline of bitterness and staying power that it takes to survive in subterranean ice for millions of years, as staying in inhospitable and miserable situations for an unnecessarily long time just to make a point is part of gay culture, but unfortunately any gay resemblance stops there.
18. Poltergeists, “Excelsis Dei”
These guys are just dicks, honestly! We do not want them in the draft.
17. Jersey Devil, “Jersey Devil”
Lesbians are always talking about wanting to go live in the forest with their wife and leave human society behind, but also who doesn’t want that at this point, it’s arguably a universal human experience.
16. Forest people, “Detour”
See: Jersey Devil entry, although the forest people in Detour rank slightly higher because of their anti-colonialist critique.
15. Marcus Aurelius Belt possessed by a Martian entity, “Space”
There’s something admirable about the weird Martian space ghost’s commitment — hanging out in space all alone for eternity, but also following its target back to Earth? Do straight people have that kind of dedication to a task? Not convinced they do.
14. Wood mites, “Darkness Falls”
They’re very efficient and have clearly read The Monkey Wrench Gang; they will also absolutely break up with you for not taking the composting system in the apartment seriously.
13. Central Operating System in the Eurisko Corporation’s headquarters, “Ghost in the Machine”
The inevitable upshot of so many depictions of computers and artificially intelligent entities as female personalities that their male creators are half in love/lust with is that it’s impossible not to see violent AIs gone rogue as striking back and getting revenge on their creepy inventors. Skynet was like the digital Amy Dunne, when you think about it.
12. Betty, “Never Again”
The thing about Betty, the haunted talking tattoo with a lot of internalized misogyny, is that she really hates other women. BUT once in a blue moon that tendency betrays a sort of doth-protesting-too-much, like how Regina George pings kind of gay sometimes. Also she was voiced by Jodie Foster, which means she registers as gay against your will on a cellular level.
11. Mysterious fear entity, “X-Cops”
The level of deeply intuitive emotional manipulation required for a monster who kills you by turning into your worst fear is harrowing!
10. Sea Monster, “Agua Mala”
Sea monsters have vengeful gay energy in general, because of Ursula and the larger tradition of misandrist female sea monsters, like sirens, Scylla, Gorgons, the list goes on. This particular sea monster also tries to strangle Mulder to death, which is relatable.
9. Human bat, “Patience”
A human-bat hybrid with “cold hearted human vengeance” that will kill anyone with the scent of its target on them. This bat is a Scorpio.
8. Chinga, “Chinga”
She’s from New England with a prickly attitude and a poor disposition towards men, which, same!
7. Big Blue, “Quagmire”
Much like Nessie, Big Blue feels very gay in the degree to which people refuse to believe she exists while simultaneously monetizing her story.
6. Hallucinogenic Mushroom Organism, “Field Trip”
A mindless monster that entraps you by spinning you fantasies of your fears and hopes while slowly eating you alive; insert joke about your ex-girlfriend here!
5. Succubus, “Avatar”
An elderly hag who may or may not be real and ruins your life and haunts your sleep but also wants to protect you, and is inextricably linked to horrible trauma. Love her! She means well.
4. Medusa, “Medusa”
This glowing parasitic organism lives in the Boston subway system and just wants to be left alone, will painfully kill any man who tries to disturb that mission, which is also true of many Boston-area lesbians who live on the red line.
3. Jenn the Jinn, “Je Souhaite”
She’s so competent, and so tired, and it’s been ten thousand years and men keep asking her for stupid things! Like, such incredibly stupid things. She just wants to be left alone to drink her coffee in peace!
2. Maitreya, “First-Person Shooter”
The backstory of Maitreya’s creation — a female game designer wanted an outlet from her frustrating male-dominated workplace, and so she did a full body scan of a super hot stripper and used her as the basis for a female gunslinger in her own game — is something an actual queer woman is almost certainly doing at this exact moment somewhere in Seattle.
1. Lyda, “The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas”
Aside from the technicality of her character having a husband, Maurice, Lily Tomlin, an actual lesbian, has brought such strong mischievious lesbian energy to this role that she comes across as far more notably gay than the canonical living lesbians written into “all things.” The level of delight this chill ghost takes in pranking the strange female FBI agent who has barged into the house she’s haunting is… not heterosexual. Also for your consideration, this exchange.
Lyda: Oh, you poor child. You must have an awful small life. Spending your Christmas Eve with him… Running around chasing things you don’t even believe in.
Scully: Don’t come any closer.
Lyda: (coming closer) I can see it in your face… The fear… The conflicted yearnings… A subconscious desire to find fulfillment through another. Intimacy through co-dependency.
Scully: What?
10 Female Characters in The X-Files I’ve Decided Are Lesbians or Bisexual
For a show so beloved by lesbian and bisexual women everywhere, The X-Files sure didn’t have a lot of actual lesbians or bisexuals. OR DID IT??? At least IN MY IMAGINATION?? Not discussed is the sexual orientation of Scully herself, because my heart can’t take it, but feel free to cover the topic roundly in the comments.
1. Colleen Azar, “all things,” Season 7 Episode 17
I always remembered this as a subtextual lesbian episode — like here are Colleen Azar and her “friend,” two nice white lady “roommates” who live together and are really into chakras, wink wink nudge nudge. Imagine my surprise when I rewatched it a year or two ago and found out they are canonically lesbians who talk about their relationship! And kiss! This episode was directed by real-life lady who likes other ladies Gillian Anderson, so I am assuming we have her to thank for this lesbian representation way back in the year 2000. They seem like they take things super seriously in general and aren’t that fun to hang out with, but hey, at least they’re still alive at the end of the episode!
2. Karin Berquist, “Alpha,” Season 6 Episode 16
The best part of this episode is that one subplot is supposed to be Scully being jealous of what she perceives as romantic chemistry between Mulder and Karen Berquist — Karen Berquist, who lives in the middle of nowhere with her mullet and a young female assistant, training dogs and eschewing most human contact. Scully is a brilliant scientist, but we have to be real about the fact that gaydar is not a strength of hers.
3. Michelle Fazekas, “Detour,” Season 5 Episode 4
Michelle is a beautiful and powerful force for good in the world and looking at her makes me want to weep, and also she is a lesbian. She is the only person who understands how forests work on this whole show, she is extremely competent, and also her hair is perfect. Also she makes this face when talking to Mulder for the first time, which I find very gay and relatable.
4. Angela White, “Syzygy,” Season 3 Episode 13
Angela White has perfect cheekbones, wears shoulderpads with her skirt suits and drinks cheap whiskey out of the plastic pint bottle; I feel strongly that she is bisexual, and I would like to get a bottomless mimosa brunch with her.
5. Invisigoth, “Kill Switch,” Season 5 Episode 11
I mean, come on. She even dies at the end of the episode. Somewhere Invisigoth and Lexa are together in television lesbian heaven, smearing on eyeliner straight out of the gel pot with their whole palm.
6. Nancy Kline, “Arcadia,” Season 6 Episode 15
For many fans, the appeal of this episode was the fanservice plot point of having Mulder and Scully go undercover as a married plot point. Fair enough, but let’s not forget about Nancy Kline, who keeps her cool when her husband gets shouty about the azaleas by remembering the sweet embrace of Suzy Ferris, her college girlfriend that she met in ceramics class and dated for two years before Suzy joined the Peace Corps.
7. Kristen Kilar, “3,” Season 2 Episode 7
Kristen Kilar has to be bisexual because she’s a vampire, and all vampires are bisexual. I don’t make the rules. That’s just how it is.
8. Lab technician, “The Erlenmeyer Flask,” Season 1 Episode 24
She has lesbian voice and a general air of weariness that I suspect resonates with us all to some degree.
9. Phoebe, “First-Person Shooter,” Season 7 Episode 13
She has blunt-cut bangs, is the only woman in a world of annoying narcissistic software developers, and she secretly creates an avatar who looks like a leather domme from space and murders male gamers.
10. Monica Reyes
Why am I so sure Monica Reyes is queer? Is it because she lit candles and put on whale music to help a friend give birth? Is it because she’s sort of psychic and has a great haircut? Is it because of how far short the show fell in terms of doing her character justice? How natural a v-neck and blue jeans look on her? I don’t know, but if Monica Reyes is straight I will get in my car, drive to a hat store, purchase one and then eat it bite by bite with a knife and fork.
Boob(s On Your) Tube: “Younger” Goes All In On Lesbian Love In Season Two
Welcome to Boob(s On Your) Tube, now with 100% more Stef and Rachel and Mey talking about The X-Files! Also, for everyone asking where The Fosters was in this column last week, guess what: It has its own standalone recap again! Now on to this week’s TV.
The X-Files
Written by Rachel + Stef + Mey
Rachel:
The third episode in the six-episode “event” that is the X-Files reboot was wacky. Full of easter eggs and callbacks for longtime fans — the stoned teens returned! Queequeg was mentioned! Kim Manners got a headstone! — it also featured Drag Race drag queen Shangela Laquifa Wadley as a trans woman, Annabelle, who fends off a lizard monster with her handbag.
It’s not a great portrayal by any means — the character enthusiastically declares she’s “on crack,” and is maybe meant to be interpreted as a sex worker if we understand the scene to be a callback to episode “X-COPS,” in which a sex worker fends off a monster in a similar way. Also obviously not great is that she’s portrayed by a male actor — drag queens and trans women are not the same!
That’s not all though! Later on, near the end of the episode, Annabelle comes up again, when the previously mentioned lizard man says she “hit like a man” (ugh). Mulder replies that “that’s because she used to be one,” which, gross, but then Mulder also shares some much more accurate information than we’d expect from someone who once told Scully she was going to prison and “Your cellmate’s nickname is going to be Large Marge. She gonna read a lot of Gertrude Stein.” Mulder explains that Annabelle was transgender, that it’s “a very common medical procedure,” and that you don’t actually need surgery to be trans. He also explains to the lizard man, who wishes to change species, that the transgender experience isn’t the same as changing species, which is something of a relief when media so often thinks it can use transition as an “analogy” for something else.
On the whole, it could have been worse? Ultimately though all of this happened in an episode devoted pretty much entirely to zany hijinks (lizard men???), and the experiences of trans women are something to be taken seriously! So there’s that.
Stef:
Maybe in the 90s this episode would have been progressive? All things considered, the comment about Annabelle being on crack was probably the funniest part of the scene, which says a lot about how poorly presented it was. The way Mulder explained to the lizard person why the transgender experience was different from the were-lizard experience was particularly tone-deaf. It’s not that I look to The X-Files for politically correct, sensitive discourse, but it’s 2016 and surely they could have handled this slightly better.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing to see Mulder and Scully and their incredible chemistry on screen again, but this episode was almost like a parody of the already-ridiculous comical monster episodes we saw in the original series. The show is so proud of itself, so impressed with its cleverness, that it’s actually less entertaining than it might have been.
On the plus side, Scully straight-up stole a dog.
Mey:
It’s good that it seems like the X-Files tried to do better with it’s depiction of trans women by having Mulder explain trans issues in a somewhat informed way. However there are enough trans women in TV and Movies and online who are speaking out about what good trans representation looks like that just trying to do better isn’t enough. This episode of The X-Files was better than many TV shows when it comes to trans representation, but that doesn’t mean that it was good enough.
Younger
Wednesdays on TV Land at 10:00 p.m.
Every other bus in New York City has an ad for Younger plastered on its side right now, and it promises exactly what this show is delivering in its second season: An actual edge to TV Land’s scripted programming. (“Bolder. Wiser. Sexier.”) It was obviously an experiment last year when it arrived next to Hot in Cleveland and The Exes. What could the creator of Sex and the City do with a comedy sandwiched between reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond? And while the show did push the boat way out by TV Land’s standards, it was still exceptionally tame compared to most scripted TV on cable networks. Not anymore!
“Like a Boss” opens with Maggie and Lauren recovering from a romp, all breathless and sweaty. (A far cry from the closed-mouth kiss they shared for a nanosecond last season). Lauren kisses Maggie and bites her chin and is just so psyched to be sleeping with a 40-year-old lesbian instead of a 20-year-old man. (Hear, hear!)
Lauren: I have never been this sexually in synch with somebody before. It’s like you know exactly which buttons to push on my body, without me having to tell you; I normally have to be so verbal. Don’t you agree we’re so sexually in synch? And that’s why, last night, I decided to be gender monogamous.
Maggie: What? With me?
Lauren: Yes, from this point on, you will be the only woman I sleep with.
Maggie: You know, at this point in your life, you should really keep your options open.
Lauren: Why? I have everything I want right here!
Maggie: You know, you remind me of myself at your age. I was always crazy in love with someone. Usually the wrong one. But you need to learn to protect your heart.
Lauren: Why? You don’t protect your heart. You put it right here. [points at a tattoo on Maggie’s chest] Who’s Belinda? Were you very, very much in love?
Maggie: Enough snuggling!
I mean, “gender monogamous” is weird and Darren Starr doesn’t exactly have a great reputation for writing bisexual women, but I’m withholding judgement to see where this goes because it’s very sweet. Maggie actually is still at least a little bit hung up on her ex, who is married now with a bunch of kids who look exactly the same, posing in polos on a wooden fence on her Facebook profile photo. (“Pumpkin spice hell,” Maggie calls it.) So my guess is she’s going to make a guest appearance at some point this season. And Lauren is really, really into Maggie. She even agrees to help Liza with a work emergency if Liza will try to talk Maggie into dropping her prickly non-committal fling thing and actually give a relationship with Lauren a chance.
I feel really happy that Maggie is getting more to do so far this season, and that Lauren became a series regular; it helps fold both of them into the larger narrative of the show more seamlessly. One of my main complaints with season one was how fractured the storylines were between Liza’s work life, romantic life, and home life. This season has gone a long way toward remedying that issue. And it’s giving Maggie a story with real emotional resonance and actual stakes. There’s still plenty of SATC-style silliness, but the tone has evolved into something that’s really landing with me.
Top Chef
Thursdays on Top Chef at 10:00 p.m.
Karen! Marjorie! Karen! Marjorie! There are only two women left on this season of Top Chef, but Karen says she and Marjorie are going to sweep the whole thing. I believe her! This week’s Quickfire Challenge was to plate junk food in a way that looked cool on Instagram, and Karen crushed that one, winning immunity that she didn’t even need with a pink icing playground. The Elimination Challenge happened at an event called Beefsteak that was basically a thousand men in tuxedos sitting around eating meat off the bone and chortling about being cavemen. Marjorie made pickles and rolls, and Tom said she’s the literal best baker in the history of Top Chef. Do you want to know who she credits? My beloved Mary Berry from The Great British Bake Off! Both Karen and Marjorie survived the week, and I’m cheering for them to slowly pick off the male chefs, one-by-one, like the dynamic duo of Melissa and Mey from season 12. #TopMisandry
The 100
Thursdays on The CW at 9:00 p.m.
Written by Karly
When I heard Lexa was coming back this week, I was looking forward to this episode with finale-level anxiety. But most of the episode involved Arkadia Sky People reuniting with the people of Farm Station (Monty’s mom!), who have survived by the skin of their teeth killing every Grounder they see. So that’s going to cause some tension when half the best people are Grounders.
We get a peak into The City of Light, which seems like a virtual reality like the Matrix. Jaha has gone full-on cult leader so Murphy and Emori (girl from the desert in s2) understandably flee. Listen, we shouldn’t have to explain to Jaha and his henchmen that none of these utopias have ever worked in any story. Okay, back to the best part:
Clarke is brought before Lexa by the Ice Nation bounty hunter who captured her, or Vane from Black Sails. I’ve only seen two episodes of that show, but I will continue to call him Vane. But in The 100, he is Prince of Ice Nation, son of the Queen. I can’t wait until we meet the Ice Queen. Lexa quickly dismisses everyone in the room to speak to Clarke. While Clarke is dirty, wild and pissed off, Lexa is clean, calm, and the most beautiful we’ve ever seen her. She apologizes for the secrecy, but she couldn’t allow Clarke to fall into the hands of the Ice Queen. Remember, the Ice Queen was the one who brutalized and murdered Costia.
Clarke, to put it mildly, is still mad about Mount Weather. She literally spits in Lexa’s face and vows to kill her as Lexa’s guards drag her away. If anyone else on this entire earth had done that, Lexa would slice them up like roast beef. But this is Clarke, and Lexa just looks disappointed about it as she stands on the balcony of her tall tower. Lonely is the head that wears the crown. Their reunion was not as romantic as I had hoped, but it’s only the second episode.
Legends of Tomorrow
Thursdays on The CW at 8:00 p.m.
My dear friend Valerie Anne, the world’s leading expert on Nyssa al Ghul, said that Legends of Tomorrow is a little bit of a mess, but a good-hearted one, and one that gets Sara “White Canary” Lance more than Arrow ever did — and, as usual, she’s right. Early reviews of Legends made comparisons to Guardians of the Galaxy, and that was right too. Rip Hunter, Time Master and former Mr. Amy Pond, assembles a ragtag team of superheroes and supervillains to dance around on the space-time continuum and keep everyone in the past and present and future safe from Vandal Savage.
A little push (and new costume) from Laurel helps Sara embrace her role as part of that team. Although, to be honest, if someone had told her she was going to get to wear different period-based outfits every week and ultimately make out with Ali Liebert, she probably wouldn’t have needed even a nudge in that direction. Yes, Sara is bisexual right out of the gate, no doubt about it, as she makes clear in the pilot episode when she says a female bartender is much more her type than the oaf who’s hitting on her. It was a nice piece of confirmation about whether or not Legends was going to completely ignore her past relationship with Nyssa and/or push the narrative that Nyssa was the only woman Sara was ever into.
It’s shaping up to be a new decade/villain of the week in an overarching season dedicated to a single Big Bad. Legends is still finding its feet, but it’s having fun doing it.
Black Sails
Saturdays at 9:00 p.m.
Damn, y’all. I forgot how bloody this show is. I also forgot how gay it is. Season three kicks off with a hardcore murder (by pirates of people who prosecute pirates) and also an impending queer love triangle. You’ll remember that Max and Anne have teamed up with Jack to get their hands on a quadrillion dollars worth of gold that’s being held in a fort they cannot penetrate. You’ll also remember that Eleanor, Nassau’s once and future queen, has been turned over to some vengeance-seeking asshats and is on her way to be executed. In the off-season, Anne fell more deeply in love with Max and Jack got even more jealous. Max’s main thing is the gold, and so she smooches Anne and coos lovingly in her ear, and then releases her to Jack because Jack’s not any use to her if he’s sitting around like a petulant clod. Anne is sad. But she’s Anne. Anne Bonney. She’ll do some murders and feel better. Out on the sea, Eleanor has been rescued by a dude she’s sure to out-Slytherin any episode now, and is, in fact, on her way back to the island where Max is still secretly pining away for her.
Whatever happens, it’s sure to be a bloodbath!
Fan Fiction Friday: I Want To Believe In “The X-Files” Femslash
by rory midhani
It’s time, at last, for the return of The X-Files, which means I can finally share with you some fan fictions I’ve had bookmarked for about a hundred thousand years. The X-Files is the second most important TV show ever (after Star Trek, of course) when it comes to the genesis of online fandom. It started all the way back in 1993, when the internet was just a tiny little baby, with Usenet newsgrous, mailing lists, and fan sites like Ephemeral and Gossamer. The X-Files fans were some of the first folks to make the leap to LiveJournal in the early aughts, and also some of the first fans to begin using LiveJournal as a host for single-user fan fiction.
The X-Files also takes credit for being the fandom that actually created shipping! Even in those early days, the internet was strongly divided between NoRoMos (fans who didn’t want the show to focus on the romance between Mulder and Scully) and Shippers.
It’s crazy to think about this now, but in the mid-90s, Fox actually threatened to sue fansites for using images and audio clips from the show. “Foxed” is the word fansites used when they referred to having legal action taken against them. Now, of course, networks want their images and video clips everywhere, and they hire entire PR teams to make sure their chacters’ faces are spread as widely as possible across every social media platform.
I love thinking and talking about fandom from 20 years ago because it also makes me think about how obsolete our way of doing fandom will look when we gaze back on it with the gift of time. For example, please enjoy this still-standing NoRoMo fan site called The NoRoMo Defense Guide. I hope I’m still alive when Tumblr looks this antiquated to us all.
Fan Fiction Friday: Monica Reyes and Dana Scully
Blah blah Mulder and Scully. I’m all about Monica and Scully. Here are seven reasons why.
The Dedication by dhamphir
Pairing: Monica Reyes/Dana Scully
Plot: “Will a chance meeting, five years after Scully and Mulder went on the run, change anything?”
Length: 3,400 words
complexity by beepollenkick
Pairing: Monica Reyes/Dana Scully
Plot: Scully can’t fight that (lesbian) feeling anymore.
Length: 2,800 words
How Monica Reyes Stole Christmas by Adrian D. Ives
Pairing: Monica Reyes/Dana Scully
Plot: Rated M for Mature. A Mature Scully/Reyes Christmas, and that’s all you need to know.
Length: 5,000 words
Jello Shots by Ann
Pairing: Monica Reyes/Dana Scully
Plot: Just two girls, a hotel bar, and some red Jello.
Length: 1,000 words
Karma by Celievamp
Pairing: Monica Reyes/Dana Scully
Plot: Some karmic numbers lead Scully and Monica to a deeper exploration of their relationship.
Length: 3,000 words
With Wishes for A Happy New Year by ocean gazer
Pairing: Monica Reyes/Dana Scully
Plot: Okay, but what if Scully HADN’T gone with Mulder at the end of the series?
Length: 7,300 words
The Genesis Series by Radclyffe
Pairing: Dana Scully/OFC
Plot: A whole series for you, a femslash feast. This one’s a classic. I think it’s on everyone’s list of best X-Files lesbian fic.
Length: Many, many, many words. All of them delightful.
Listening to the news! Again?
Fandom in the news and around the world this month.
+ Here’s a fun article from The Week about how The X-Files gave birth to “obsessive fandom.” It stats out skeptical, but ends up drawing a very logical line from fan culture to top-notch TV criticism.
But zealous and dogged and occasionally irrational as it may be, it’s that same level of passion that created the boom in top-notch TV criticism today. Numerous early reviews of the new X-Files episodes have included sheepish disclaimers from critics who originally cut their teeth as X-Files fans, eager to analyze a show that actually seemed to reward those who took the time to scrutinize every episode. The X-Files may be an elder statesman in the TV landscape, but there’s one thing you can count on: When you log on after Sunday night’s episode, you’ll find thousands of fans eager to pore over every frame of it.
+ George R.R. Martin is feuding with fan fiction writers again, I guess.
+ I am of the firm opinion that Dumbledore’s gayness is as influential and relevant as an after-book reveal as it would have been inside the Harry Potter books (and anyway, it would have given away the entire plot of the last book if J.K. Rowling had revealed it earlier; and plus we didn’t know anything about any of the professors’ love lives; and plus also Harry — our narrator! — didn’t even know Ron and Hermione were infatuated with each), but some people disagree. Salon has a hot take about Dumbledore and Luke Skywalker and Captain Jack Sparrow, and a little bit of commentary into how fan fiction always knew they were gay.
+ Some Star Trek fans tried to make a crowdfunded fan film. Obviously, they got sued.
+ Star Wars: A Wookie Cookie Bookie is a beautiful kind of fan fiction.
+ I never stop loving it when local newspapers write about fandom. Here’s the Philly Voice asking: What Is Slash Fiction?
Well, there’s different ways of answering that question. Why do women fans write slash fiction that focuses on same-sex relationships? The answer I’ve gotten from authors I’ve spoken to, the most interesting response I’ve gotten is that writing slash fiction is a chance for women to author male sexuality. They enjoy the creative experience of authoring male sexuality. And fan fiction, generally, there are a lot of men who write fan fiction, but I think most indications we have is it’s mostly women writing a lot of fan fiction. It seems to appeal to female fans in particular.
+ Entertainment Weekly hosted a fan fiction competition earlier this month. It went about as well as you would have expected if you actually knew anything about fandom and how hard they work not to be derided and exploited.
I’ll be back next month with some answers to your TV questions and a really exciting interview with someone who works on your favorite web series. Have a very Scully weekend, my friends!
8 Things I Can’t Wait to Watch Dana Scully Do on My TV Again
Our lady of skepticism, Dana Scully, played by the marvelous Gillian Anderson is returning to television and laptop screens all over the world this month.
With Fox’s announcement last year about an X-Files revival, I have been impatiently waiting for what will be the first time I actually get to see Dana Scully on currently-airing television. I was about ten when the X-Files went off air, and like most ten-year-old baby queers, I was obsessed with America Ferrera in Gotta Kick it Up! (“Sí se puede!”), not whatever was coming on Fox at 8pm. Once I finally binged it (it’s available on both Netflix and Amazon Prime if you need to get caught up) I fell in love with Dana Scully like every other Good American Queer. She is small, takes no nonsense, especially from men, always wears some sort of oversized pantsuit and can seriously kick ass. Scully is who I want to be when I grow up, minus the whole being-a-part-of-the-FBI thing.
It’s not just Dana Scully that I’m excited about. Gillian Anderson is a gem on social media! She puts out that she loves her fans just as much as they love her, and works hard to communicate with them. The show hasn’t even started yet and she’s full of excitement about it on Twitter. I can’t wait to see what she’s like when the show is actually on.
Here are the Dana Scully/Gillian Anderson moments I’m most excited to see with this revival.
1. Scully having no patience for men
when it’s been 20 years and you’re still fed up of listening to men pic.twitter.com/TUCV9mFMCp
— was alexdrakes (@karenmoodys) July 11, 2015
Scully works with a man that even the most patient person on (or off) Earth would be fed up with in no time. And Dana Scully is not the most patient person. She has no time for Mulder and his belief that everything is part of a government conspiracy to cover up the existence of extraterrestrials (even though technically he’s not wrong). It’s so refreshing on television to see a woman who isn’t afraid to show a man just how ridiculous she thinks his ideas are. “Oh, really Mulder? A chupacabra? Okay. Sure.”
2. Scully kicking ass in high heels
#mondaymotivation #TheXFiles pic.twitter.com/vctzQc9QAf
— The X-Files (@thexfiles) January 4, 2016
Scully is such a badass, y’all. She comes into work every day with a freshly ironed pantsuit, perfect hair, flawless 90s makeup, and will still kick the shit out of you — IN HEELS! She’s my #everydaymotivation.
3. Scully and Monica Reyes 4ever
I want this couple back. While they were never canon, who can forget Monica Reyes gently helping Dana Scully prepare for childbirth by singing her whale song? I’ve seen clips of Scully talking to Reyes in the new episodes, here’s hoping their storyline revolves around them confessing their love for one another and adopting a child to raise in Georgetown.
If Scully and Reyes don’t get together, I’m putting the rest of my hope into Scully and this random woman who keeps getting abducted by aliens. I mean, she’s existed alongside Mulder this long, she’d probably hold her own. Gillian’s no stranger to queer roles; just let us have this, Fox.
4. Scully is a medical doctor
Did you know Dana Scully is a medical doctor? Did you know she was trained in hard science? Did you? She’s a medical doctor.
5. Scully rescuing Mulder
again with this
Scully is constantly saving the day. Either with medicine and hard science, or with her will to fight people who are trying to harm her friends. Especially Mulder. Scully is constantly saving Mulder’s ass. I want more of that this season.
6. Classic Scully skepticism
Scully does not want to believe. She is hoping the truth is not out there. She has got real world shit to do. She doesn’t want the answer to be aliens. Ever. Even after she was abducted and impregnated with an alien baby. There’s gotta be some other reasoning behind it, according to Scully. She eventually comes around to it, but where would we be without her refreshing dose of skepticism? Keeps Mulder on his toes, at least.
7. Scully’s glasses
Oh man, those glasses! Is there anything more serious and adorable than Scully in her glasses? Whenever she wears them, something serious is always about to happen. Glasses mean SERIOUS BUSINESS. This is one of my favorite Scully looks. I hope we get more of this look.
8. Scully can do this herself, dammit
So what if she’s 5 feet tall? She wants to drive and is just as capable as any man.
No matter how we get to see her, I’m just excited to see Dana Scully back on the television. She’s smart, beautiful and opinionated; which is everything I want in a girlfriend, and definitely everything I want in a lead of a sci-fi show. In such a guy’s club, Dana holds her own and is an inspiration for all of us who deal with men who don’t think we’re capable enough.
If the truth is out there, Dana Scully will be there to find it, and what a gift that is to us all.
18 Questions We Have About the X-Files Reboot
by Stef and Rachel
What you’ve heard is true: The X-Files is returning as a “a thrilling, six-episode event series” on FOX, featuring original stars Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny and original creator Chris Carter. Production on the show is set to begin this summer; we likely won’t see it on our TV screens for some time. Until that happens, we have a lot to speculate about, and many questions.
1. Does this mean we can pretend the last movie didn’t happen?
2. Does Scully still have shoulderpads?
3. Are they going to do a quick recap of whatever it was that happened with that baby, or do we have to rewatch the end of the series on our own time? Do we get to disregard the events of the last season and a half or so?
4. Is Mulder just scanning Reddit 9 hours a day or what? Are the Lone Gunmen members of Anonymous?
5. Any chance of an Invisigoth cameo?
6. Has Mulder seen Loose Change yet?
7. What’s happening with Scully’s haircut? Hoping for something like Season 5, but bracing for Season 1.
8. Does Mulder know where that Malaysian plane is? Can Courtney Love have a cameo where she helps him find it?
9. Any insight into those goat heads in Brooklyn?
10. Is Skinner in this? Feels like present-day Skinner would be paleo, maybe. Just throwing some ideas out there.
11. Does the Smoking Man vape now? He’s still alive, right?
12. Is the Syndicate the reason the bees keep disappearing? Do we get a conspiracy episode about krokodil? Bath salts?
13. Is there someone we can bribe to make sure they don’t do a ripped-from-the-headlines Slenderman episode?
14. Can Richard Belzer have a guest spot? His schedule cleared up recently.
15. Is Mulder’s email still “trustno1@mail.com”? Doesn’t seem very secure.
16. Can the show get through six entire episodes without an arc where a Magic Native American Person™ saves the day?
17. Oh god, is anyone on this show a medical doctor? ANYONE?
18. Actually though how did things even leave off? They were in like a boat, right? They waved at the camera? Is any of that right?
Trust No One (Or, Everything I Know About Love I Learned From The X-Files)
The pilot of The X-Files is a funny thing to re-watch in 2014; a hopeful first stab at something that would turn into a nine-season cultural touchstone. This week is The X-Files’ 20th anniversary, but once it was a show that might or might not have gotten off the ground. Like any pilot, its story doesn’t stay totally consistent; parts of the reality it implies end up flickering in or out of focus. Like any pilot, it’s heavy-handed with its characterization, making sure we don’t miss the memo that Mulder is the One Who Believes In Paranormal Stuff, and Scully is The One Who Definitely Doesn’t. One thing it does establish fairly early on is that the supernatural and/or alien phenomena it discusses really are out there; this isn’t going to be a show where the entertainment lies in debating what “really” happened. There’s some pretty incontrovertible evidence: lights from the sky, comatose people moving as if controlled by another power, plenty of textbook abduction stuff. In fact, the alien stuff seems so incontestable that it almost undermines the other element of the show it establishes: Scully’s skepticism in the face of Mulder’s conviction. How can she remain so insistent that there’s an alternate explanation for what she’s seeing? Fear, most likely; the shock of encountering for the first time something she had been convinced was impossible. You can see it in the scene when she’s undressing in her hotel room (another thing that wouldn’t make it past the pilot; Scully’s later character would rarely be subjected to unnecessarily titillating scenes) and finds a mark on her lower back that feels scarily similar to the marks they’ve been finding on mysteriously ill teenagers. Even if she doesn’t believe Mulder’s theory of what they represent — evidence of alien abduction and/or medical experimentation — she is ready to entertain in that tense moment that they mean something bad. She knocks on Mulder’s door, half-naked and terrified, and asks him to check it out. There’s a long beat before Mulder cheerfully declares the marks to be mere bug bites, but in the seconds in between, you can see it: the possibility of belief, and how belief is indivisible from fear.
The first time I saw The X-Files was with someone I was dating. It was his suggestion that we try picking out episodes on Netflix Instant. At his behest, we skipped around at random and chose episodes on a whim. We were intrigued by the “monster of the week” episodes, and totally bewildered by the mythology ones. When we broke up, we still lived in the same city with the same group of friends, and let ourselves maintain orbit around each other more so than we probably should have. And by we I mean I, since I was the one who had broken things off and was responsible for setting boundaries. I did an okay job at that — I never slept with him again — but I did let him show me one more X-Files episode. We watched “X-COPS,” which wasn’t just a “monster of the week” episode but a wacky one, where the viewer is meant to derive more enjoyment from Mulder and Scully being put in a zany context than any real thrill of fear or intrigue. The production of the episode, meant to mimic the real show “COPS,” was gritty and shaky, filmed poorly in low lighting. When imagined through the lens of an ostensibly real video camera, The X-Files didn’t seem as mysterious or bewitching; when translated into the “real world,” they seemed a little goofy. When the episode ended, my ex looked over at me. I’m not sure what he thought would happen, but whatever it was, it didn’t. What could have maybe felt special or magical in the dark didn’t have the same appeal with the lights on.
We broke up for a lot of reasons, but I think when you get down to it, the most fundamental thing was that he truly believed that with enough effort, it would work, and I didn’t. Why ignore the evidence, I felt. I’m making you unhappy, you’re making me unhappy — there’s an obvious rational conclusion to be drawn here.
It wasn’t the first or last time I decided the evidence suggested that I walk away. The first time was probably when I was seventeen. I had known my best friend since the third grade, and by the end of high school we were inseparable: she gave me a ride to school in the mornings; held my hand as she walked me down to the school nurse when I was sick; organized the only surprise party I’ve ever had, in which she and some other friends bought me pizza and rolls at Bertucci’s. We talked on the phone in the afternoons even though we had just spent all day at school together and took hour-long naps in her bedroom, arms draped over each other. We slept chastely, clothes on. She kept her Bible next to her bed, duct-taped together from use, and I was mystified and fascinated by her faith. Such dogged belief in the face of so much contradicting evidence! I chose to admire it rather than being put off. Plus, it created a comforting guard rail; surely mid-afternoon cuddling and wearing each other’s clothes could only go so far with someone who believed abortion was literally murder. I felt secure in the knowledge that she would never call my bluff.
“How long have you known you were bisexual?” she asked one day. We were in my bed; she spoke into my shoulder with her arms around me. I don’t remember what I told her. Months later, I found a folded-up note in my locker, which was not unusual; it was unusual that it concluded with “What I’m trying to say is I love you.” I folded it back up immediately and hid it between the outer case and inner body of my graphing calculator and went to class. I never told her I had read it; it would have required admitting something was real that I wasn’t ready to believe in, a version of myself I wasn’t ready to believe was possible.
“I don’t get it, though,” a friend said when the show came up in conversation. “How is Scully still not convinced after all that time? The show is like eight or nine seasons, right? It doesn’t seem like it would make sense.”
“You don’t get it,” I said, more harshly than was necessary. “It’s more complicated than that. A bunch of stuff happens, like in Season 2, it’s about more than just her not believing him.”
“Oh, okay,” my friend said, chastened and hurt, I think, by my tone. I was often unnecessarily abrasive then, prone to snapping at people I cared about even when they were being perfectly kind. I was also prone to drinking wine alone in my kitchen and coming close to falling asleep while driving because I was working three jobs and sleeping a few hours a night. I was quick to tell people they were wrong, but looking back on this case, I don’t really understand where I was coming from. My friend was right; it didn’t make sense.
I kept up with The X-Files. For most people watching it while it had aired, I understood what the draw had been — will this be the episode where Scully and Mulder finally act on their tension? If not, will it be the one where an important piece of the increasingly convoluted alien puzzle is revealed? But honestly, I didn’t really care about either of those things. I liked the “monster of the week” episodes as much as the mythology ones, and I never jonesed for a Scully/Mulder kiss.
“Which one do you like best, David Duchovny or what’s-her-name?” my roommate asked. “Which one do you want to make out with?”
I was offended by the question, a little — both because of what I felt it implied about my sexual orientation and my reasons for engagement in the show. I’m not sure what I said. “Neither,” maybe, or “both.” Later that same year, Gillian Anderson would reveal in a real-life interview that she had dated women too. I was both thrilled by the sudden visibility of a new queer role model and, somewhere deeper in my reptile brain, upset at the reminder that Anderson is an actor, that Scully is just a role. We all have different things we need to believe, I guess.
I moved 850 miles away into a one-bedroom apartment with wood floors and heat that I wasn’t allowed to adjust. I had everything I owned boxed up and nowhere to be, so I spent all day unpacking for four days straight, and watched almost all of Season Five, adhering to their correct chronology for the first time. Scully lay pale and wan in a hospital bed; she traveled to Maine to battle a demonic doll; she made eyes at Luke Wilson; she danced to Cher. Her belief in an objective rational truth, and in her own ability to discern it, never wavered — or if it did, it was on her own terms, in a church rather than an abduction survivor’s meeting. She kept me company while I prepared myself for a new stage of life that I imagined would be sober and pure, almost monastic: writing and reading in my tiny apartment in my snowy new state, drinking tea and keeping a cozy, careful house. I had no plans to reach out, test new hypotheses, engage in irresponsible experimentation. I did not intend to have any experiences outside the range of what I had previously proven to myself I was comfortable with or could understand. Scully and I both convinced ourselves that this was possible, that it had ever been a possibility.
Of course that wasn’t how it worked out in my tiny new-hatched life. I started seeing someone who wore her grandmother’s old fur coats and taught me how to make a “brutal hammer,” which she said was just a shot of vodka poured into a glass of red wine. I could put several of them down pretty quickly. I sent her a drunken email explaining how I wasn’t looking for anything serious; she stopped calling me after I refused to stay the night for the last time, which was totally fair. Later, I ended up sleeping at the apartment of a poet in my MFA program, sharing a twin mattress on the floor. We slept chastely, clothes on. I insisted we were friends and nothing more, even when I began staying over more often than not, and the nights I slept at my own apartment we stayed up late on the phone from opposite sides of town. Despite the mounting evidence, I maintained my skepticism for as long as I could. Like Scully, I refused to believe, and for much longer than was reasonable. Like Scully, I was wrong.
It’s worth mentioning, maybe, the outliers — the times that Scully does want to believe. The best example, I think, is “All Things” — an episode which actually has nothing to do with aliens or even Mulder, or really anything important about the show. In it, Scully finds out that a former lover is very ill and dying. Scully is a medical doctor (take one drink) and is convinced that there must be a way to cure him, a medical approach not yet considered. Through a sort of fever dream of confusing plot points — seeing people down alleyways, having strange visions, visiting with some women who I’m convinced are lesbians who practice ear candling — she comes to believe that some sort of mysterious new-agey process is worth trying. Her faith pays off; her former lover recovers, and Scully is given a moment of perspective that never reappears in terms of the show’s long-term continuity. It is, in my opinion, one of the very worst episodes of the show. It’s also the only episode that Gillian Anderson directed herself. That doesn’t make it a good episode, but it’s maybe notable that for the woman who spent years inhabiting Scully’s imaginary psyche, this was the direction she most wanted her to go in: to give in to totally ungrounded and objectively sort of silly ideas for once, and to be rewarded for it.
I know my love of The X-Files is something about me that invites eye rolling, something I talk about often enough to trip over the line from “thing I enjoy” to “noticeable quirk.” I tried to explain to my friend at a bar what the big deal was, why I keep thinking about this show. “It’s like, at first the show is all about how Mulder is obsessed with finding paranormal explanations, and Scully is the voice of reason. But then all this alien stuff happens right in front of them, and Scully gets abducted even, but in later episodes she still doesn’t believe. I mean, it gets pathological. Mulder is the guy who believes what he maybe shouldn’t, but the real thing about the show is that Scully has this fatal flaw too, where she takes skepticism to a level that’s clearly really personal and irrational.”
“Huh,” he said. “I like that. That was what always bothered me about the show, that her skepticism didn’t make sense after a while.”
I considered. “Maybe it’s not even in the show, really. I don’t know if the show is aware of that. But I am.”
“I’m not sure it’s really in the show either,” he said, careful, kind.
“Quagmire” is one of the more literal “monster of the week” episodes in that it revolves around an actual monster. “Big Blue” is supposed to be a sort of B-grade Loch Ness Monster, a legendary creature that lives in a rural lake and maybe occasionally eats a drunk fisherman. Mulder and Scully are at each other’s throats; Scully has been pushed to a limit with what she’s willing to humor, and just can’t stop pressing Mulder to see that there’s nothing paranormal here to find, that his puppylike belief is unfounded. It all comes to a head when the boat they’ve taken out onto the lake to look for the monster is sunk, and the two are trapped on a rock in the middle of the lake in the pitch black night. Scully calls Mulder out on his irrational want to believe, on the ways in which it’s hurting his life and his relationships.
“…you’re like Ahab. You’re so consumed by your personal vengeance against life, whether it be its inherent cruelties or mysteries, everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology… It’s the truth or a white whale. What difference does it make? I mean, both obsessions are impossible to capture, and trying to do so will only leave you dead along with everyone else you bring with you.”
The thing is, though, these things are true of Scully, too. By the time this episode occurs, she’s gone missing for months and returned with a chip in her neck; she’s seen her own father’s ghost appear before her and she’s been saved from death by supernatural forces more times than I can count. Scully’s own quest for a consistently “real” world in which nothing ever defies belief and definitions of possible and impossible never shift and academic understanding trumps real experience is also an insane and unhealthy one. But in the world of The X-Files, Scully has no one to call her on this the way she does for Mulder. There’s no Starbuck to her Ahab.
The other reason “Quagmire” is important is — spoiler alert, I guess — that for once, Scully is right. “Big Blue” isn’t a plesiosaur or an unheard-of monster; it’s just a giant alligator. There’s no X-File here. But in the course of their investigation, in addition to several humans, the giant alligator manages to eat Scully’s beloved Pomeranian. There are a lot of things we’re meant to take away from that episode, I think — something about the dangers of having a crusade, the importance of having good friends, an exploration of speaking difficult truths to people we love. But I think there’s a harsher and less obvious truth: just because you don’t believe in something doesn’t mean it doesn’t have sharp teeth; deciding you don’t think it’s real doesn’t take away its power to destroy.
My current partner — the one who’s the real thing, the Lone to my Gunmen — doesn’t like The X-Files. I was mildly horrified by this at first, and tried to make a case for the show by playing the episodes that make pretty good TV regardless of your feelings on aliens and tin foil hats. Now, I think it’s probably for the best. The X-Files appeals most to those people who are interested in the intersection of (dis)belief with obsession, and I’m much healthier and happier with someone who’s never tried that particular drug and who won’t indulge me if I go looking for a fix. The legacy of The X-Files in our real lives is a contradictory one — that just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you, but also that your obsession won’t save you. The problem with framing the show as a seven-season (I’m not really counting seasons eight and nine for reasons that should be obvious) battle of wills between Fox “Belief” Mulder and Dana “Skepticism” Scully is that they’re both wrong. The real takeaway of the show isn’t which one is proven right, but the concessions that both of them end up having to make to their worldview, how dangerous both their obsessions are.
One of the small, eerie pleasures of the show are the creepy title cards that show before episodes, the most famous of which is “The Truth Is Out There.” Less well known is “Deny Everything.” It’s probably meant to reference government conspiracy, but who knows; it’s deliberately obscure. It always strikes a chord with me, like a personal challenge: how much can I deny, if I put my mind to it? I bet you’d be surprised. One of the most cryptic (second only to “Ei Aaniigoo Ahoot’e,” which means “The Truth Is Out There” in Navajo) is “E pur si muove,” which upon looking it up turns out to be Italian. It means “And yet it moves.” It is said to be attributed to Galileo after he was forced to recant his theory that the Earth moved around the Sun. A modern translation might be “It doesn’t matter what you believe; these are the facts.”
The Bechdel Files Are Basically Everything I’ve Ever Wanted From The Internet
Rachel’s Team Pick:
Sometimes, even often, the internet is full of terrible things. Racist jerks! Rape apologists! Endless pointless Kickstarters! But sometimes, the internet gets its shit together and acts as a space in which really great ideas can form, or in this case, already great ideas can be turned into something double great. Enter The Bechdel Files, a tumblr whose author is re-watching the entire X Files from the pilot on and rating each episode from 1 to 5:
0 – Fail
1 – Two named female characters
2 – Talk to each other
3 – About something besides a man
4 – There are a couple qualifying conversations or the conversation is somewhat meaningful/longer than a few lines
5 – There are several qualifying conversations or a very long and/or meaningful conversation.
Although it’s not included in the original conception of The Bechdel Test, the author of The Bechdel Files also seems committed to noting the representation of POC characters in the series (apparently the first speaking role for a POC character is Agent Atsumi in Season One’s “Conduit”).
I love The X Files more than I love many things in life. But it is also pretty fucked up sometimes! Although Scully gets to save Mulder more than a few times, she also has to suffer through providing all of the episode’s suspense via being threatened with abduction, murder or violation by aliens plenty of times. Her storylines outside of physical danger usually revolve around cleaning up Mulder’s messes, having no life outside the FBI, and/or being seized with inexplicable baby fever as a single lady living alone. The representation of people of color on the show is pretty reprehensible, ranging from “none” to “hackneyed and inaccurate versions of ‘traditional fables'” and “super frustrating narratives relying on ‘mystic Native American characters.'”
i guess this relationship passes the bechdel test probably sort of? ugh.
Loving something, even when it’s total and unabashed, doesn’t preclude us from criticizing it. And criticizing something doesn’t mean we don’t love it or have to stop loving it — in fact, it often speaks to how much we really and truly care about it, because we want it to be the best thing it can be. So in that spirit, I am going to wait with bated breath for every update on The Bechdel Files, and both look forward to and dread the appearance of agents Fowley and Reyes.
You, Too, Can Be Made Gay By The X-Files: Scully 101
You know Scully made us gay and maybe you’re ready for Scully to make you gay(er) too. But where to start? For some, starting at Episode 1, Season 1 of a nine-season behemoth is a little much. Sometimes you need to dip your toe in first and you need some overly-enthused queer weirdos to point you in the right direction. Well, friend, this is your lucky day.
1. Bad Blood
Rachel: Is this episode perfect? It might be perfect. Scully is on point, Mulder is point, Luke Wilson is on point and he’s not even really on the show. Scully’s constant eye rolling at Mulder and constant bedroom eyes at Luke Wilson are an excellent primer on why she is the greatest: she’s snarky and dry-witted and super smart and totally ready to get down. Scully, if it were up to me, you would never have to pay for the Magic Fingers on hotel beds. It also illustrates one of the greatest things about the X-Files and the thing that X-Files haters never seem to get: the X-Files is already better at making fun of itself than you ever will be, so sit down.
Stef: The X Files’ funny episodes are always hit-or-miss by a fairly wide margin, but this one is a goddamn home run and a half. “Bad Blood” cleverly takes us through the first half of a case from both detectives’ very different perspectives. It’s a real treat to see how Mulder and Scully behave through each others’ eyes, and it’s also kind of fascinating to see how they view themselves; Mulder seems to think he second-guesses himself more than he actually does, but Scully is pretty on-point. It’s nice to see that the kid from “The Sandlot” had at least one more big acting gig, this time as a glowy-eyed pizza vampire.
2. Killswitch
shipping scully and invisigoth 4ever
Rachel: What if the internet was really like this? I wish I had seen this when I was 14, because it would have given me way more to hope for blindly and then be deeply disappointed about than Disney movies ever did. Do you want to be the cyberpunk goth internet girl or date her? How much would this episode could have been improved by the inclusion of Julia Stiles in Hackers? I have a lot of questions.
Stef: I did see this episode when I was 14 and I remember feeling strongly enough about it to write fervently about it in my diary. In retrospect, I probably had a giant crush on the character of Invisigoth and I definitely envied her ability to upload herself to the Internet – my (admittedly geeky) teenage dream. I may or may not have tried to make some take on Invisigoth into my AIM screen name at one point, because I was very cool. This isn’t really a particularly Scully-centric episode, but you do get to see her kick some ass in a surreal action sequence where she beats the shit out of some sadistic nurses, so there’s that. Also, this is what email looks like in “Killswitch,” which kills me:
3. Quagmire
Rachel: This is not my favorite X-Files episode of all time, but it is very close to it. When the episode “Detour,” which is in fact my favorite of all time, came out, critics complained that it was essentially just a rehashing of this episode in that the real focus was just Mulder and Scully hanging out, specifically hanging out overnight in an unsafe wooded area and talking about their feelings while waiting for dawn. Um, that’s awesome? Frankly I feel a little cheated that we didn’t get more than two episodes of this. Also, Queequeg’s performance in this episode is one for the ages; no Pomeranian actor since has been able to measure up.
Stef: Despite being one of the less successful comedic episodes (sorry Rachel), “Quagmire” has wormed its way into our hearts because of the time we get to spend with Scully’s Pomeranian, Queequeg. Because Mulder drags Scully out to this case fairly unexpectedly, she has no choice but to bring her little dog along. Queequeg smiles dimly at everyone from the backseat of their rental car, trots merrily right through a murder scene (which you’d think at least Scully would have a major issue with, forensics-wise) and ultimately meets his demise at the hands (jaws?) of the mysterious swamp monster. His death leads Scully to draw parallels between Mulder and Ahab, both blindly seeking something they will never achieve, blah blah blah – this was a very peculiar way to react to the death of a pet. O Queequeg, we hardly knew ye – an important character in X Files mythology who never got his time to truly shine.
4. Never Again
morning after shirt yeahhhhh
Rachel: This episode is a real emotional roller coaster for Scully fans. I love that Scully gets laid — get it, Scully! You work too much! — but this made me feel like when I was a sophomore in college and would have to trail my roommate when we went to parties in order to run interference on gross dudes who she was too polite to fend off. (My roommate was very pretty.) Combine that with the feeling I also had when one of my coworkers had a drunken stick-and-poke party and then proudly showed off his freshly and poorly inked legs; see, there are a lot of complicated feelings here. I feel like a real feminist critic would have a lot to say here. The patriarchy, etc.
Stef: Yo, I’m always really excited when Scully gets to have something along the lines of a personal life, but really Scully? This guy? You’re Dana Scully! You’re a medical doctor and a total babe; you look good whether you’re all sweaty from running after UFOS through a cornfield, freshly stung by an alien-disease-carrying bee or elbow-deep in an extraterrestrial corpse. Surely you could have your pick of anyone you wanted! But instead, Scully goes for the kinda creepy recent divorcée who has Jodie Foster’s voice screaming at him through a really silly tattoo. Then Scully gets a friggin’ TRAMP STAMP like she’s on medical doctor spring break in South Beach. I have a lot of questions about Scully’s taste in a lot of things. No matter what happens to Scully for the rest of the entire series, I always take time to remember that under that classic blazer with the huge shoulderpads, Scully has a lower back tattoo… and a wild side.
5. War of the Coprophages
i tried really hard to capture one of scully’s classic eye rolls in this episode but they don’t translate well to screenshot
Rachel: This episode is everything. It combines all the best things about Mulder and Scully’s dynamic (somehow the best Mulder/Scully episodes are the ones where they aren’t actually together and are just working together via telephone. Why is that? What would have happened if Mulder and Scully could gchat?) as well as a full episode of Infested and, for some reason, a Playboy Bunny runner-up as a hot scientist. What else could you want out of television? That wasn’t rhetorical, that was a serious question. What more is there?
Stef: You guys, Mulder is SUCH a lesbian. In every episode where Scully has maaaaybe the most potential of sparks with any other character, Mulder gets hilariously jealous and defensive. “War of the Coprophages” is that rare episode where the tables are turned, and Scully’s withering disdain in the face of Mulder’s crush object (a bubbly entomologist named Bambi) is completely priceless. She can barely say the doctor’s name without raising an eyebrow and sneering a little. Other than that, my #1 feeling about this episode is that bugs are gross.
6. All Things
pondering holistic medicine but perhaps also lesbianism???
Rachel: When Stef and I were talking about this, I was really afraid I had made this episode up in my head. I was trying to describe it as “like, that one where Scully does a bunch of new-agey stuff? Stuff glows? I feel like there are a lot of people wearing purple?” Lo and behold, it exists, and is even more ridiculous than I remembered! You know when your aunt went through that phase of buying into The Secret really seriously and wore a lot of flowing tunics and scarves? This is like if your aunt became an episode of television. This is sort of a meh Scully episode because I feel like my concept of who Scully is would roll her eyes and roll up out of there in the first five minutes of this episode, but it’s a CRUCIAL Scully episode in that this is the only episode actually written and directed by Gillian Anderson, which means that this is what Gillian Anderson thinks of Scully as being. Fascinating!
Stef: I don’t know how but somehow Rachel managed to find one X Files episode with lesbians in it. Not only that, but two seconds after the lesbians appear, Scully informs one of them that she is a medical doctor, which means you get to take a drink.
Honoring Gillian Anderson’s Newly Revealed Lady-Dating Past: Top 5 X-Files Episodes That Made Me Gay
This week, love-of-our-collective-geeky-lives Gillian Anderson opened up about her past relationships with women. In honor of this fact, we are bringing sexy back with these pivotal gayifying Scully moments. Because I guess our love wasn’t one-sided after all…
From the interview with Out:
“I was in a relationship with a girl for a long time when I was in high school, and then I was in a relationship with a punk rock drug addict who…”
Wait, a lesbian relationship? “Yeah, yeah, well it’s… You know, I’m old enough that I can talk about that,” she says, before resuming her list: “And then I was in a relationship with somebody who was way, way older than me. Everything that that kind of anarchistic attitude brings—the inappropriate behavior it leads to—was how I chose to be in the world at that time, which was, you know, not what people did.”
Much of this has been written before — how she dyed her hair purple, how she glued the school gates shut on graduation night, the drugs and alcohol — but her lesbian romance is something new. Understandably, she is wary of making a big deal of it, precisely because it is a big deal for so many people. “If I had thought I was 100% gay, would it have been a different experience for me?” she wonders. “Would it have been a bigger deal if shame had been attached to it and all those things that become huge life-altering issues for youngsters in that situation? It’s possible that my attitude around it came, on some level, from knowing that I still liked boys.”
Anderson says she has had relationships with other women, but they have been the exception, not the rule.
Back in 1994, I was but a tiny proto-geek minding my own business when the X-Files flickered onto my radar. There I was, swimming in my oversized tie-dyed T-shirt with my awkward too short bangs when my first episode (“Darkness Falls,” I remember it well) swept me up in its weird embrace. This is how that single chunk of not-at-all explicitly queer TV set me on a course for gayhood that no amount of subsequent un-homo conditioning could possibly reverse.
It makes sense: the series followed the scifisexy adventures of Agent Scully, a certain smokin’ hot redhead with a badge. And as a young, impressionable girl, your first fine lookin’ gun-toting woman can change you in ways irrevocable. I’d suspect Scully (or perhaps actress Gillian Anderson?) captured the hearts of blossoming gay ladies the world over.
Oh yeah, and her sidekick’s cool, too. What’s his name again?
So, if the X-Files did in fact make me gay (it did), I chalk it all up to Agent Scully, the no-nonsense FBI sexbomb who I followed like a puppy through nine sometimes brilliant, occasionally faltering, but always, always homosexy seasons. (We’ll just have to forgive her for the early ’90s hair, for it knew not what it did.) As Scully doggedly searched for the truth at Mulder’s side, I unknowingly sought my own truth. And that truth was that I wanted to get in her pants. (more…)
Top 11 Hottest, Gun-Totingest Women of Sci-Fi
When ladies in sci-fi movies and shows aren’t pegged down as eye-candy or arm-candy, they get to kick some serious ass and wield some even more serious firepower. And we’d like to honor these unsung sci-fi heroine hotties with our (sure to be contentious) Top 10. Enjoy!
1. Ellen Ripley
Alien saga (Sigourney Weaver)
