Feature image of Alexa Braeburn and Julie Aurora in Crash Pad Episode 247.

The latest in Queer Sex 101, our series of real live queer people teaching you everything you need to know about real queer sex continues, with a one-hour workshop from sex educator, Autostraddle writer, SLICK editor and More, Please! editor Ro White on strap-on sex. Most of the videos in the series are free and available to the public, but this one is just for A+ members as thanks for supporting the whole series! If you want to join A+, it starts at just $4 a month and supports this indie queer media site and our projects, like Queer Sex 101.

This event was broadcast live for our A+ members on June 25, 2021, and live captioned by StenoKnight services. We’re sharing the replay here for every A+ member to enjoy! (Transcript below)

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Use the same password for the replay as for the event: strapon4pride2021 and here is the link in case you need it!

Transcript for Everything You Need to Know for Strap-On Sex:

Hi, everyone! Happy Friday evening! Happy Pride! Good evening. Can you guys let me know in the chat if you’re hearing me? Hi, Kit! Wow, this is so exciting. I’m so excited to be hanging out with y’all for Pride. And during our A+ Member Drive. We have been right at the closing of the first week of our member drive here at Autostraddle, and we’re so excited that we’ve actually — I don’t know if you all have seen since you registered, but we just hit our initial goal of 350 new members. Which I’m super excited about. I don’t know if there are any new members here tonight. Did anybody join to see this event? Or has anybody not been a member prior to this? Do you want to share in the chat? I would be really excited to know — do we have newer members, or have people been attending these kinds of events for a while? Thanks, Kit! That’s sweet.

Welcome! So we are here tonight as part of Autostraddle’s Queer Sex 101 series, which we’ve been really excited to be running for a few months now. We’ve covered a few topics. Masturbation, sex toys, we had a really good session about your first time having queer sex last month, and I’m really excited that this is actually one of the first workshops we’re doing in this series that is exclusively for A+ members. In the past, because we believe in having widely available, very accessible queer sex ed for everyone, we have made these workshops available on the main site afterwards. And to celebrate our member drive and for Pride and to kind of really share with you guys a little bit of what we are trying to do with the A+ program, this is actually an A+ member exclusive. And so we’ll be here tonight with A+ members live, and we’re also going to put the recap of this post, as well as a transcript and resources, links to everything in the workshop, up on A+ afterwards. And you’ll be able to access it, rewatch it as many times as you like, and anyone who joins after tonight will be able to access it too, which I’m really pumped about. We’ll be able to cover a lot. I want to get us started, because you guys have a lot of great questions and I know Ro has a lot of great experience to share with you guys.

And so I’m gonna bring them on stage. “On stage”. But I’m really excited to introduce Ro. Ro is a sex educator, a writer for Autostraddle, a performer, a comedian, and a super talented and really approachable and experienced person to work with. And I’m really excited for them to be able to talk with you about strap-ons. To kind of talk through the material that they have prepared and go over some basics and then answer folks’ questions. As you have probably noticed, this event is also being live captioned. Thank you so much. By our fan favorite Mirabai. I know I saw that Mirabai already has some fans in the chat. Same. And this transcript will be available afterwards for anyone who needs it. Thank you so much. If you can be patient with me for 30 seconds while I figure out some CrowdCast logistics, I’m gonna say goodbye to you all and bring Ro on stage!

RO: Okay! It’s working! Hello! Hi. I’m Ro White. Can someone drop something in the chat if you can see and hear me okay? That would be very helpful. We are still a little bit new to using CrowdCast for events. And I’m still new to CrowdCast. Thank you so much for letting me know you can see and hear me. Awesome. So… Parts of this might be a little bumpy as we figure it out, but we’re gonna do just fine, I’m sure. Thank you all so much for being here. Specifically, thank you for being A+ subscribers to participate in this. I am a contributing writer at Autostraddle, but I also have a new title. I’m the editor of our Slick Erotica series, which is for A+ members. And that position would not exist if we didn’t have A+ subscribers keeping Autostraddle afloat.

So personally, thank you. Because I love that job. And thanks so much for keeping our publication alive. Because… There aren’t too many publications out there doing what we do. And I know that we all really, really love doing this. So… I am so stoked to be here. Thank you so much to Mirabai for doing captions. If you are using the captions for this, I recommend opening them in a separate window. MIRABAI: No, don’t do that, ha-ha!

RO: Sometimes CrowdCast can get a little glitchy. If you have any issues seeing and reading those captions, maybe try that. Additionally, if you’re having an issue with the captions or CrowdCast, please let us know in the chat. I’m gonna be watching the chat. But I’m also gonna be talking to you and looking at my notes. So I might not notice everything right away. But we do have our Managing Director, Rachel, is gonna be helping me keep track of all the comments in the chat. It looks like Nicole is here too. So we’ll have folks looking out.

I’m gonna give you a little bit of background about me first. Like I said, my name is Ro White. My pronouns are they/them. I started working in it the sex toy industry when I was 23. And I’m now 31. So it’s been a long time of being surrounded by sex toys. And dildos and harnesses, which I’m so stoked to talk about today. And I’ve been teaching sex ed for over four years. Maybe longer. I’m not totally sure. I teach in person and online. My classes are always for adults and geared towards folks of all genders, bodies, and orientations. So that’s the tone that this class will have today. I don’t have personal experience in every single area that I’ll be covering in this workshop.

But I do have a ton of training in these areas. A lot of years of training. And a lot of years of working with customers, talking to other educators, and just… Talking to people to gather all the information that I’m going to present today. But if you have any information or personal experience that you want to share throughout the workshop, I definitely recommend throwing that in the chat. I consider sex ed to be a collaborative community experience, because I just have this one body that I live in. And I don’t know what it’s like to have your body that you live in. So if there’s something that you want to share, I would love to hear that. Just to expand my education. And I’m sure that the rest of the viewers here would be into that too.

I’m gonna be using medical language during this workshop to describe different body parts and sex acts. That might not be the language that you use for your genitals or the kind of sex you have. That might not be the language that your partner uses for their genitals or the kind of sex they have, but I’m gonna be doing that for the sake of clarity so we can all be on the same page. I would also like to let you know that I am not a doctor and I’m not a mental health professional. So I can’t give medical advice or mental health advice. So if you feel like you have a physical or mental health issue that’s going to affect your experience, participating in and/or enjoying strap-on sex, in a way that feels both physically and emotionally safe for you, then I recommend reaching out to a professional in advance. Just to make sure that you are good to go.

And if you have questions that come up during this workshop, you can actually click — there’s a button on the bottom of the screen in CrowdCast that says “ask a question”. So that will alert me that your question has come in. And I will do my best to answer questions throughout the workshop. But I’ll definitely take more time to go through them at the end. I just want to make sure that we get through everything. And we don’t run over time. And I also want to say: Thank you so much to everybody who submitted your questions in advance. We actually got a lot. And that was really helpful for me. In shaping the material that we’re gonna cover tonight.

Just a few more disclaimers. I know there’s a lot of disclaimers here. But… Y’all, teaching an online workshop is rough. One is that I might not look directly into the camera the whole time, as much as I would love to. I do have notes to make sure that I cover everything. And I will be sharing my screen a few times, to just show you some different products. For folks who are listening and not watching this, I will do my best to describe the products that I’m showing to you. In a way that you can hear. But nothing porny is gonna happen on this screen. You’re not gonna see naked bodies or… People having sex. So… Just know that. You’re just gonna be seeing pictures of products. You might hear me use words like… Fuck and ass and names of genitals. So… If you’re in a space with other folks… And you don’t want them to see or hear what you’re up to, it might be a good idea to use some headphones or just turn your screen away from them.

Oh, and it looks like in the chat, all of the products that I’m gonna talk about will also be linked in a post for A+ members. So that’s great! Thanks for doing that. I didn’t know you were gonna do that. Y’all are amazing. Additionally, so… This class — if this wasn’t clear already — is being recorded. So if you have to step away or you want to revisit this at any point, you’ll be able to watch it later on our website. And one more thing. I am teaching this workshop from my lovely tiny apartment in Chicago.

It is an apartment building. So there’s a chance that you might hear some outside noise. Maybe some cars. Maybe some sirens. Maybe… A yelling neighbor, if we get unlucky. So just know that that’s what’s up. And… I’m gonna do my best to make sure that nothing like that happens. But… I can’t control everything. So those are all of our many disclaimers. And I’m so beyond excited to start teaching this. Because strap-on sex is one of my favorite classes to teach, of all time. Just because… Anybody can do it. And it’s really fun!

I want to start by going over this very long, extensive list of reasons why you might want to try strap-on sex. And… Here we go! This is just something to get our creative juices flowing. One reason to try strap-on sex is that for folks who can’t penetrate with our genitals, strap-on sex can be a really unique experience. Most of the time, if you’re someone who usually has sex with your mouth or hands, then your mouth and/or your hands are gonna be busy. But when you’re having strap-on hands, all these parts are free to do… Other stuff! To… Stimulate your partner’s nipples, to touch their clit, to finger their ass, to kiss, to slap, to spank, to do… Whatever it is that you want to be doing. So strap-on sex provides a really unique and intimate experience in that way.

Additionally, strap-on sex can be really gender affirming or gender subverting. Which is really fun. So if you’re someone who is a trans man, and it would feel really affirming for you to have strap-on sex, that’s awesome. And if you’re someone with a vulva who wants to role play that you’re a person with a penis, strap-on sex makes that option available to you. It’s also a really low pressure way for folks who do have penises to penetrate their partners that doesn’t require them to use their genitals, if they don’t want to. Or don’t like to.

That’s something that I think is a common misconception about strap-on sex. Is that the only people who can wear a harness and use a dildo are people with vulvas. That’s definitely not the case. It’s possible to tuck if you’re a person who tucks, and wear a harness. And there are some harnesses available that will allow you to wear a dildo and then also have your genitals out. And we will go over that later. But the great thing about a dildo is that… It’s the size and shape that you need it to be.

And it always stays hard. So that’s another great thing too. For folks who don’t want the pressure of maintaining an erection. If you do typically penetrate with your penis, you can use a strap-on instead. And you can go as long as you and your partner want. Another reason you might want to try strap-on sex is that dildos can be a lot more comfortable for penetration than using body parts. Just because they tend to be smoother and firmer and they don’t have quite as much drag or bumps and ridges.

So if you’re somebody who struggles with penetration, either because it just feels uncomfortable for you, or you’re new to it, inserting something like a dildo might be a lot easier than your fingers, your partner’s fingers, or a penis. This is especially true for anal sex. Right? Because… The butt… Provides a lot more resistance than a vulva. So anything that is smooth and firm like a dildo is going to be a lot easier to insert.

We got even more reasons!! That I just scrolled past! Oh, this is a great alternative for penetration if you usually penetrate with your hands and you struggle with hand or finger pain. If you have arthritis, for example, using a toy makes that a lot easier. I know for me, I recently learned that I have a connective tissue disease, which is why my fingers dislocate. So strap-on sex has been really beneficial for me, just because my hands and fingers aren’t always able to do exactly what I would like them to do in the bedroom.

Yeah. That was something I didn’t get checked out until it affected my sex life. But now I did, and now I know. Another fun thing about strap-on sex — you can penetrate both partners and stimulate both partners simultaneously. So that doesn’t necessarily mean penetration. So when I’m talking about penetrating both partners simultaneously, I’m talking about double ended dildos, which we will get into. That’s totally a thing. They are not all created equal. But some of them are really fun and pretty easy to use.

But strap-on sex can also just stimulate both partners generally. So, for example, if you are a vulva owner and you’re wearing a strap-on harness, you can choose a dildo or a cover for the end of your dildo that will stimulate your vulva. Or you can use a vibrator inside your harness. So there are some harnesses that offer that option. It’s not always perfect. It’s not always exactly where you need it to be. And that can be a little difficult and require some trial and error. But it definitely is possible for both folks involved in this act to get genital stimulation at the same time.

The final reason why you might want to try strap-on sex is that size matters. And if your partner has a penis that is a little too girthy for you, or if your partner has fingers that are a little bit short but you would like to be penetrated a little bit deeper, you can find a dildo that will serve that purpose for you. And you can, in fact, have a whole bunch of dildos that you use for different occasions, on different days. They’re always perfect. They’re always what you want.

And you can use them solo or you can use them with your partner. So… Strap-on sex can basically give you exactly what you want whenever you want it. Which… Is great! Who doesn’t want that?! Now, before we get into more of the specifics about buying a dildo or harness, let’s talk about just how to start a conversation with your partner about strap-on sex. Because… Unfortunately I think there’s still a lot of stigma around strap-on sex.

So when you’re considering trying strap-on sex with your partner, or just trying something new, generally, like any new kind of sex act, it’s always a good idea to have a conversation about that. In advance. Outside of a sexual context. In kind of like a neutral space. So that you can both clearly state what your needs and expectations are and what your boundaries are.

So if you are curious about strap-on sex, make sure that it’s something that you absolutely want to do, and that your partner absolutely wants to do. If you are trying strap-on sex because your partner is pressuring you to try it… Or if your partner is shaming you for being interested in strap-on sex… Those are big red flags. That’s a relationship to reevaluate. We have a ton of advice on our website about… How to handle situations like that. Whether that’s… You know, general relationship conversations, or conversations about sex with your partner.

So just make sure that you and your partner are both 100% on board before you’re trying this. Additionally, I want to talk about the stigma a little bit. I think… Some folks, for whatever reason, still believe that if someone wants to have strap-on sex with their partner who’s a vulva owner, it means that that person actually wants to have sex with someone who has a penis. And that’s not true. Choosing to have strap-on sex doesn’t say anything about your sexual desires, other than the fact that you want to have strap-on sex.

Additionally, the desire to try strap-on sex doesn’t say anything about your gender identity or your sexual orientation. You are still the same person before and after you do it. The same stuff going on. You’ve just tried a new sex act. And that’s all it is. I think some people… Still feel a little bit nervous about strap-on sex too, because it can feel like… This new weird thing. But strap-on sex actually isn’t new. In fact… It is as old as the late Stone Age! And that’s the real deal. Researchers have found artifacts of dildos from the late Stone Age that were unfortunately made out of stone. Which still kind of mystifies and terrifies me.

But some of these have also been found to have these loops at the end, that some researchers believe were possibly used to hold a leather strap so that they could be worn like a dildo and harness. I love this fact! And artifacts like these exist across cultures. All over the world. So strap-on sex has been practiced everywhere. For a really, really, really long time. So… If it feels new and weird for you, it might be new and weird for you in your own life and your own experience, but it is certainly not a new concept.

And I love that! I love thinking about Stone Age queers. Now, does anybody have any questions before I move on, about starting that conversation with a partner? I’m gonna check our question box. Let’s see. Yeah! Someone here has Ehler-Danlos syndrome. Me too. Okay. You’re having questions about your hip and SI joints. And thrusting. We’re gonna get into that later. Because I have some position ideas for folks who have limited mobility or body pain. And we’re totally gonna cover that.

So I think… Later on in this class, we’ll be able to answer that question. But… Hey, what’s up, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome buddy. I’m so stoked to get into that. Did we get another one? I’m so new to CrowdCast. Okay. How to introduce strap-on sex to someone who has never been with women? Do we mean… Are you asking… As… If a woman… Were to introduce strap-on sex to someone who’s never been with women… Hold on. Gender gets confusing and loosey-goosey.

Okay. I think I understand what you’re saying. Maybe you’re asking for someone who has previously had sex with folks with penises, who is now having sex with someone with a vulva for the first time and they want to do strap-on sex. I mean… I would say… Strap-on sex is a totally different thing than having penis in vagina sex. Because of all of the reasons we just talked about. Because you get to choose the size and shape of your dildo. Because it’s happening potentially with a different kind of person. Because the communication and goals, if there are goals, in the sex that you’re having, are going to be different.

So… Strap-on sex isn’t “straight sex”, unless you are a straight couple. Engaging in it together. And that’s the only thing that’s straight about it. I think another question came up. Okay. Great. So I hope I answered your question. I’m gonna move on to talking about how to choose a dildo.

This is gonna be the most important thing. The person who is being penetrated with the dildo should choose the dildo. Having worked in sex toy stores for so many years, I’ve seen so many people come in and try to surprise their partner with a dildo and they have no idea what size to get.

And the problem is: Dildos can be pretty expensive. And then you end up with this expensive toy that you can’t return, because it’s too big or too small, or… Not the right shape, or it doesn’t fit in your harness, or it’s too heavy for your harness. So the person who is being penetrated should be the one choosing the dildo. Bigger is not always better. And we’re gonna go over all the questions that you should ask yourself, before choosing a dildo. So you should make sure that it’s going to serve the purpose that you want it to serve.

I also want to acknowledge that something that’s really fun about choosing a dildo is you can get different sizes and shapes and colors, and if you specifically want a certain color of dildo, whether that’s a skin tone or a different color, for role play purposes… That’s one thing. But if it you’re strictly getting something for penetrative sex act, maybe no role play involved, it doesn’t matter what color the toy is.

I think… A lot of folks can get hung up on that, when you’re trying to choose a dildo. You’ve got to have that purple dildo! It just has to be purple! But here’s the thing. When it’s inside you or your partner… You’re not gonna see it! You’re not gonna see it at all. You’re just gonna feel it. And so… If you happen to find a dildo that is the perfect size and shape, but it’s green… Please get the green dildo. You’re going to enjoy it so much more than the purple dildo that isn’t quite the right size and shape.

Okay. So here are some questions to ask yourself. When you’re buying a dildo. First: Is this dildo made out of body safe material? Most of the time, when we’re thinking about dildos, the body safe materials are gonna be silicone, glass, or steel. I have yet to see a steel dildo that can be worn in a harness. But if you have seen that and want to share a link in the chat, I’m very curious. But most of the time, they’ll be silicone, and very occasionally they will be glass. Silicone is my top recommendation. Especially for beginners.

The reason why you want to look for a body safe material is because unfortunately the sex toy market isn’t very well regulated. And some sex toys are made out of materials that are quite porous. Which means that they can trap bacteria or they can just degrade over time. And that is an issue when… Even if you just using this toy on yourself. Because you can give yourself a bacterial infection, if you continually trap bacteria in this toy. Or you can spread STIs to a partner. If it is a porous material.

Silicone dildos are going to be a little bit more expensive than something that’s made out of a porous material. But the options are really expanding now. And there are definitely places where you can get more affordable silicone dildos. But if you can’t afford a silicone dildo at this time, or if you have a dildo that you’re just in love with it, and it’s made out of a porous material, you can put a condom over it, to protect the material, and to protect you and your partners. And you’ll be good to go.

Additionally, you should ask yourself: Do I want to use this dildo vaginally, anally, or both? This is an important question to ask. Because typically, when you’re using a dildo for anal penetration, you’ll want it to be a little more firm. That’s pretty important, just because, like I said earlier, the butt can offer a little more resistance. So something that is firm will be a little bit easier to insert. Also, you know, individual vaginas and butts want different sized things.

So… That’s going to impact the size of the dildo you choose. If you are someone with a vulva and your vulva likes something a little bit bigger, and your butt likes something a little bit smaller, then you might need different dildos for those different occasions. And that’s always fun to have. Another question to ask is: Do you want this dildo to vibrate? That’s something that some folks really like. Some folks really don’t. It totally depends on you and your preference. Some dildos that are harnessable can vibrate because they’re rechargeable. So they have a motor inside. But then a lot of dildos, you’ll see they have a hole in the base that leaves room for a vibrating bullet that’s either rechargeable or battery operated. So that’s an option as well.

A vibrating dildo is just for the internal vibrating sensation, if that’s something you enjoy. Some people find that they don’t get a whole lot out of internal vibration. Especially if there’s thrusting happening too. But if you do, then look for something that at least has the option to vibrate. And then if you find that you don’t love that, or your partner doesn’t love that, you don’t have to have the vibrating part turned on. The dildo will still work just fine without it.

Another question to ask yourself is: Do you want the dildo to penetrate more than one person? So… Do you want this to be a double ended situation? I’m gonna cover this a little bit later. But in this case, I’m mostly talking about a dildo that’s designed to be worn by a vulva owner internally. So I’m not talking about those long flexible dildos that look like snakes. And it’s just one long tube. Those are not butt safe and they’re also not particularly fun. Just because usually they’re not firm enough to really give anybody much stimulation.

I’m talking about the kind that have a small bulb on one end that’s designed to be worn vaginally, and then a longer end that sticks out. So you can penetrate another person. Either vaginally or anally with it. Those are really fun toys. Definitely they’re not for everyone. But if that’s something you want, then you’ll want to look for something that is double ended.

It’s also important to ask yourself: What kind of sensation am I looking for? So… Do you want your dildo to provide really intense stimulation of the front of the vaginal wall? Or maybe the prostate?

Then you’ll want something that has a little bit of a curve to it. And you’ll probably want something that’s a little bit more firm, so it can give you more pressure. Maybe… Do you want to feel the sensation of stretching? In that case, you’ll want to look for a girthier dildo. Do you want to be preparing for penetration with something larger? Or preparing for fisting? Like, then you’ll want a girthier dildo. Or if you want some added stimulation, like… Some bumps and ridges, you can find a dildo that provides that as well. So keep the sensation that you’re looking for in mind.

Also, this is probably the most important question: Does this dildo have a base? And does it fit in my harness? So if you already have a harness, and you’re buying a new dildo, you want to make sure that the dildo fits in your harness and that you have the proper sized O-ring to hold that dildo. And we’ll talk about O-rings a little bit later when we get into harnesses. But it’s really important to make sure that fits. Because if you bring your dildo home and you’re all excited to use it and it doesn’t fit in your harness, that’s kind of a bummer. Weight is also important too. So if you have a really heavy dildo, you’re gonna want to make sure that you have a harness that fits very tightly to your body.

And is durable, so that it can hold that dildo up. So that’s another thing to think about.

Additionally, ask yourself: How do I want this dildo to look and feel? We talked about that a little bit earlier. Like… Are you going to be using it for some kind of role play purpose? Do you want to have a big alien cock? Then you’re gonna need a big alien dildo. So keep that in mind. And if you’re not sure what size to choose, if you are new to buying sex toys generally, or you just haven’t purchased a dildo, a really good rule of thumb… And this is gonna be funny in a second… Is to consider the size of your fingers. Or your partner’s fingers. Or… Of other sex toys that you have. So if you live in an area where you can physically go into a sex toy store, to look at dildos, that’s my top recommendation.

It’s always best to see the dildo in person. Because it’s kind of hard to get a sense of just how big something is, or how flexible something is. When you’re looking at it online. So if you’re able to go to a store, that’s ideal. And what I recommend you do is: Pick up a dildo off the shelf. And hold your fingers up to it. Let’s say you usually penetrate yourself with two fingers. And see if the girth of your fingers is about the girth of the dildo. And decide if you want the girth of that dildo to be a little bit bigger or smaller, depending on what feels comfortable for you.

So that is something that you can try when you’re picking out the size of the dildo. If you’re not able to go to a sex toy store, you can physically measure your fingers or your partner’s fingers or another sex toy you have, and read the dimensions of the toy online. Most sex toy retailers, at least the reputable ones, will list the dimensions of toys on their website. So you actually know what you’re getting, so that when it arrives on your doorstep, in a box, you’re not shocked that it’s like… So much bigger or so much smaller than you thought it would be.

You also… Want to consider what kind of body you inhabit and what kind of body your partner inhabits, when you’re picking out a dildo. So, for example, if you or your partner have bigger bellies, it’s a good idea to have a longer dildo. Especially if you’re gonna be wearing your harness underneath your belly instead of over the top. Which is what I understand to be more comfortable from what a lot of folks have told me.

You’ll want to have a longer dildo so that you can get that extra length out from under your belly. So that’s something that’s pretty important. Additionally, if you or a partner have a shallower vagina, and you want to be using the dildo vaginally, then you want to go for something that’s a little bit shorter. So if you’re someone who has had gender confirmation surgery, your vagina is a little bit shallow, then stick with a shorter dildo, just so the end of your vagina isn’t getting absolutely pounded. That’s not super comfortable.

And if you’re someone with a cervix, and you tend to have a lower cervix, especially right before your cycle, then you might want to get a shorter dildo as well. Just because… Really pounding on that cervix can cause cervical bruising, which is not fun. It feels like menstrual cramps, and no one likes those. So make sure that the length of the dildo you’re using is appropriate for your body and your partner’s body.

Also, quick reminder: You can own different dildos for different occasions. And that is great. So if you have the means to do that, create a collection. Because… First of all, different parts of our bodies crave different things. Your partner’s body might need something different than your own body. And we also might need different things on different days. Maybe you don’t want to get absolutely pummeled by a big girthy dong every single time you have strap-on sex. Maybe you want some other options. So if you’re able to do that for yourself, that’s ideal.

So here are some examples of different kinds of dildos. So when you’re looking for dildos, online, one brand that I really recommend is Tantus. They have a huge range of silicone dildos. So those are all made out of body safe material. And they’re organized on their website based on feel. So that’s really helpful. So you know exactly what you’re looking at. When you’re going to the different categories. One word that you might see on that website and on other sex toy websites is the word “dual density”. What that means is that the dildo has a firmer core and the outside is a little bit softer and squishier.

These are a really great option. Especially vaginally. But they can certainly be used anally as well. Just because it gives you that… Pressure. Especially on the front of the vaginal wall. Because it’s nice and firm. But it’s also not too hard. So you still have a little bit of that squishiness. These are also said to feel more “realistic,” so if that’s something that you’re going for, if you want a dildo that looks and feels like a penis, something that’s dual density is gonna be able to provide that sensation.

All right. Let’s get into double ended dildos, real quick. So like I said earlier, the ones that are long and wiggly and look like snakes, real floppy… They’re not butt safe. They’re usually not made out of body safe materials. That’s not ideal. And they’re not gonna give you a ton of pressure. I want to show you… A couple of options. So I’m gonna pull up these links. And then attempt to share my screen for the first time. Oh, God! I hope that works. Okay. Da-da-da.

And I’m gonna go over here. Isn’t it fun that I narrate every single thing that I do? It’s the best. Share screen. Da-da-da. Okay. Um… I don’t know. There was a thing I was supposed to click. And… I don’t know. Where that is. So… Please say in the chat if this is a nightmare or if you can’t see it. Unfocus? I don’t see the unfocus button. On the top bar? All right. I’m gonna find it. Unfocus is on the top?

I don’t see it at all. This is terrible. Let me stop sharing my screen real quick. Because that was probably not fun for anybody to look at. It looks like a square? Okay. I’m gonna try this one more time. Thank you so much for your patience, everybody. Share my screen. I still don’t see something that looks like a square. Try opening the tabs with the toys in a different window. Yeah. It’s… Open in a different window.

I’m just going to share this right now, while I talk about this toy. And if this didn’t work, I’m gonna check the chat afterwards. Right now I have this filling my whole screen to make sure you can see it. If this isn’t working, we’ll try something else next. This is an example of one of the double ended dildos I wanted to talk about. This is the ShareVibe by Fun Factory. Something that I really love about this is… If you’re just listening to this, we’re looking at a dildo that has… It sort of looks like the number “6”. And there’s a shorter curve on the end. And that is designed to be worn vaginally. What’s great about this is it has a really significant curve on it. So… For folks who are wearing this vaginally, you’re gonna get a ton of pressure on the front of the vaginal wall.

So that’s stimulating the internal portion of the clitoris, which is great. So the wearer is really getting a lot out of this. And there’s also a ridge on the front that will press the outside of the vulva. So you’re getting pressure there as well. So in this case, the wearer of this dildo is getting… You know, just as much stimulation if not more, as the person who is being penetrated with the other end of it. Something else that I really like about the ShareVibe is that it does have a hole in the bottom where you can insert a small rechargeable vibrator. So that can make the dildo vibrate. But you certainly don’t have to use that if you don’t want to. I’m gonna click this diagram. That’s showing how this person is wearing it.

For dildos like this, you certainly can use them without a harness, if you’re someone who has a really, really strong pelvic floor. But that’s pretty difficult to do. So I would recommend, if you want to use something like this, to use a harness with it. Just to make sure it stays in place. Because sometimes… Like when we’re having a lot of fun and getting stimulated, your pelvic floor muscles are gonna move and respond to that stimulation, and your dildo can just go flying out. And that’s not what you want.

Okay. I’m gonna… Stop sharing my screen. Okay. Okay. Everyone is saying that that worked. All right. That’s what I’m gonna do from here on out. I’m showing a product. I thought that would be a little bit easier. So that’s one example of a double ended dildo that functions super well. It’s definitely pricey. If you were looking at the screen, it was almost $130. That’s something to keep in mind when we’re talking about dildos and harnesses. Obviously not every dildo is $130. That one… Was so expensive because it’s double ended and it comes with this rechargeable vibrator. Most of them are not gonna be nearly that price.

But if you’re looking for a product that’s really, really high quality and lasts for a long time, you are gonna have to drop some money on it. The good thing is that a lot of sex toy companies have warranties. So make sure you pay attention to that, when you buy your product. So that if something does go wrong with it, you can take advantage of that warranty. Because you want to get all the bang for your buck. Right? Is that too corny? I’m sorry. I’m making dad jokes now.

Okay. I think that’s everything. Oh, I had one more thing that I wanted to say about double ended dildos. Specifically, that kind. Which is that they are perfect for dildo blow jobs. So… If you are a vulva owner who wants to role play as having a penis, or having external genitals of any kind, something specifically like the ShareVibe that I showed you, that can be worn internally, is great for a dildo blow job, because while your partner is sort of pulling on the external portion with their mouth, or holding their hand around the base and moving it, you’re feeling that move inside.

And… That can be really stimulating and really fun! All right. So here’s how to care for your dildos. So since we’re mostly gonna be talking about silicone dildos here, we’ll cover that first. Wash your silicone dildos with soap and water, and then to fully sterilize them, you’ll want to boil them for a few minutes. Or alternatively, you can put them in the top rack of your dishwasher, if everyone who shares your home is cool with that.

Silicone dildos are completely sterilizable. So if you sterilize it in between uses, they’re not gonna spread any bacteria. Or STIs to your partner. You’re good to go. If you’re using a glass dildo, because there are some glass dildos that can fit in harnesses, you’ll also want to wash those with soap and water and boil those for a few minutes to fully sterilize them. I will warn you that glass heats up when it’s boiled. So make sure that you don’t touch it for a while after you’ve sterilized it in that way.

Glass dildos… Are certainly an option for strap-on sex. They’re just not as common, because they’re glass. So they’re very, very firm. Which does limit the kinds of positions that you can be in, while you’re using them. So they’re not ideal. But if you’re someone who really prefers glass, there’s definitely some out there that you can use in a harness. And then when you’re storing your silicone dildos, it’s ideal to store them in individual cloth bags, away from lube and away from other toys. Especially if you have non-silicone toys. Because sometimes toys that are made out of porous materials, they can sort of degrade over time and bleed onto your other toys, and we don’t want that to happen. We want to preserve the quality.

And additionally, you want to keep those silicone toys away from silicone lube. Because silicone lube can degrade silicone toys. So when we’re using lube with these toys, you want to go with water-based. And additionally, when you’re storing them, if you do have silicone lube, just keep that silicone lube away from those toys.

I’m gonna check the questions section real quick to see if we had any questions about dildos in particular. Okay. So someone is asking if it’s important to put the glass dildo in the water while it’s heating up. Or if you should boil the water and then drop it in. I recommend putting it in the water as it’s boiling. Glass dildos are made to be as shatterproof as possible. I know it sounds really scary to put glass inside your genitals. But these… The kind of glass that these are made out of will only shatter if it falls off of a high shelf or something. But with boiling water, just to be safe, it’s a good idea to have it in the water before it boils.

And then also you don’t have to worry about splashing boiling water all over the place when you drop your glass dong in it. So put it in that cool water first, and then boil it. Do we have any more questions about choosing a dildo? I’m gonna take a look at these questions again. Someone is talking about alternatives to pelvic harnesses. Hell yeah. We’re gonna talk about that. I’m really excited. Okay. We’re gonna move on to harnesses.

Who can wear a harness? Anyone! Anyone can wear a harness. It doesn’t matter what kind of genitals you have. You can wear a harness. And if you don’t want to wear a harness on your pelvis, you can wear a harness on a different part of your body. And I’ll get into that too. Different kinds of harnesses work better for different kinds of bodies. And we will be talking about that as well.

So something that I mentioned earlier is that there’s this common misconception that the only people who can wear a pelvic harness are people with vulvas. That’s definitely not the case. It’s totally possible to wear a harness as a person with a penis. There are some options that allow your genitals to be out. And then there are other options that you can use while tucking.

One note about that — so there are definitely underwear-style harnesses that you can use for the purpose of tucking. And I’ll talk about those. But if you want to use more of like a strappy harness, you can totally wear underwear under your harness. That is absolutely fine. Or even if you’re not someone who tucks, and it’s just… More physically comfortable for you to wear underwear under your harness, or if you have genital dysphoria, or if it just helps your harness stay in place, you can absolutely wear underwear underneath, if that’s your preference.

But if you are tucking, you’re gonna want to make sure that you have a harness where the dildo can sit on or above your pubic bone. Just so that you’re not putting tons of pressure on your genitals while you’re fucking with your harness. Because that can be really, really uncomfortable, and we want to avoid that. So the different kinds of harnesses I’ll be talking about today include adjustable leather and faux leather harnesses, adjustable fabric harnesses, underwear-style harnesses, and thigh harnesses.

There are also hand harnesses and chin harnesses. Those are a lot less common, so I’m not gonna be talking about those today unless someone has specific questions about those. But those are definitely options. But in terms of a non-pelvic option, the most common one is the thigh harness. And… In my opinion, it’s the most versatile option. So I will be talking about those. And we’ll cover the pros and cons of all the different kinds and options for a budget, et cetera.

If you want a good quality, long lasting harness, this is just something to keep in mind. You are gonna have to spend some money on it. There are definitely lower priced options that exist. Those are not necessarily always size inclusive. And not necessarily durable. But if you’re on a budget, and you just want to try strap-on sex, you don’t know if you’re gonna like it, you don’t know if you want to invest a lot in it, you can definitely find something that is workable, maybe not ideal. From what I understand, a lot of the cheaper harnesses out there… They don’t necessarily fall apart right away. But they don’t stay tight to your body, sometimes. Depending on how they’re tightened and how the straps fit.

And that can be pretty annoying, when you’re having strap-on sex. You want something that’s gonna fit tight to your body and hold that dildo in place. So that’s just something to be aware of. If you can… When you’re buying a harness, it’s a great idea to try it on first. I know that’s not always possible. There are some sex toy stores that will let you try on a harness over your pants, just to make sure it fits. So if you can do that, definitely take advantage of it.

But if not, or if you’re buying a harness online, make sure that you have your exact hip measurements and that you’re looking at the size chart online, so that you can get something that works. Because you can spend a lot of money on a harness, and if it doesn’t fit, then that’s not fun for anyone. If you’re someone with a bigger belly, and you prefer to wear your harness over your belly instead of underneath, make sure you include your belly in your hip measurement, just so you have something that’s gonna fit around the bottom of your body.

And I already covered that. Okay. Great. So… Once you’ve got those measurements, you’re looking online for a harness. You’re at the sex toy store. The first option, and probably the most common option that people think of, is an adjustable leather or faux leather harness. Some of the pros of these kinds of harnesses are… They look really sexy. I think that’s undeniable. A lot of people love the look of leather or faux leather. And it’s a really durable material.

Another pro is that these harnesses can be shared with partners. Most of the time. So what I mean by that is: Since they’re adjustable, you can adjust it to fit your body, and you can adjust it to fit your partner’s body, depending on the range of sizes that you and your partner’s bodies span. You can also usually adjust the fit with these and sort of fiddle with where the dildo sits on your body. Like, earlier, when I was talking about tucking and talking about how it’s a good idea to have that dildo on or above your pelvic bone in that case, that’s also a good idea just for anyone, when you’re doing anything anal with a dildo and harness.

Because it gives you a little bit more control. And like I’ve said a few times already, that butt provides a lot of resistance. So if you have a harness that’s able to adjust where that dildo sits, that is ideal. And it’s just a good idea to help you find the position that is most comfortable for you. Also, leather — if you end up getting a true leather harness and not a faux leather harness, leather will soften and form to your body over time. Which means that the longer you have your harness, it just gets more and more comfortable.

I do want to answer a question that came in, in advance of the workshop. Someone was asking about ethically sourced leather harnesses. And I want to acknowledge a lot of us mean different things when we say ethically sourced leather. I don’t want to answer that question, because I don’t specifically know what you mean by that. But there are some leather retailers that do list exactly where their leather comes from. I think that’s more common with independent designers.

And a lot of those folks are really reachable on Etsy. You can shoot them a message and figure out where they’re getting their leather from. And that’s another pro of leather and faux leather harnesses. There are so many queer independent designers out there, with Etsy pages or other online shops, who do custom harnesses. Those are definitely more expensive than a non-custom harness.

But you are guaranteed to get something that has the exact look and feel that you want. So that’s a big pro. A con to adjustable leather or faux leather harnesses is that they’re not always size inclusive, depending on what brand you’re looking for. They can be expensive. And with those harnesses, they typically have O-rings. So an O-ring is either a… Usually a silicone or rubber ring. That’s what holds the dildo in place on your harness. And the O-ring is usually held in place with snaps or buckles. And typically with these kinds of harnesses, you will need different sized O-rings for different sized dildos. If you’re using different dildos all the time, you might need to purchase different O-rings for that harness. That might be a con because it might be a little annoying. And adjustable leather and pleather harnesses might not have all the bells and whistles of other harnesses. If you’re looking for a pocket for a vibrating bullet, you’re probably not going to find it in this kind of harness, for example. And you also can’t fully sterilize a leather harness. So that’s something that’s really important to remember if you’re using this with multiple partners. Leather is extremely porous. You can’t sterilize it. You can wash it with a little bit of antibacterial soap and rubbing alcohol. And that does something. But it certainly doesn’t do everything.

And you’ll always want to let a leather harness air dry. Use saddle soap. Use leather conditioner. So it does require a lot of care. But it does look really, really good. I also want to acknowledge that just adjustable harnesses in general can be difficult to work with, if you have limited hand mobility or hand pain. Because there’s a lot of buckles and snaps involved. So that can be a con, if that’s an issue that you deal with. And… I think those were all the pros and cons I wanted to mention.

So I’m gonna show you a… One leather harness real quick. And I will share my screen. This time it’s gonna be great. And there’s gonna be no problems. So this is a leather harness by Aslan Leather. It’s $130. They’re not all this pricey, but I’m showing this one, because this is a good example of the fit and style of most leather harnesses. So in the front, there is a rubber O-ring that’s held in place with some snapping pieces. So you can take that in and out. And then this particular harness has straps in the back that go underneath the butt.

A quick note about that… So some harnesses that are adjustable with straps — they’ll fit with straps under the butt, or they will fit more like a thong. That is mostly a personal preference thing. I’ve heard really different things from different people, about that, and what’s most comfortable with different body types. I know some folks who wear larger harnesses say they have more control with a harness that fits like a thong, but I’ve also heard the opposite. This is something everyone has to experiment with on their own. Or if you already know… I hate the feeling of something on my butt — don’t get a thong harness. Get something with straps that go under the butt. What is nice about this harness in particular — and you can’t see this in the photo — but the straps that go under the butt can actually slide along the back strap of the harness. So you can slide those straps together, so that you do have the option to wear this as a thong if you want. So… That’s… Pretty cool. We love options.

I will stop sharing my screen. Great. And that particular harness… Has two sizes. So if you’re interested in that one, the smaller size fits hips that are between 26 and 44 inches. And then the larger size fits hips that are between 36 and 56 inches. They also make a vegan leather version. So if that’s a company you’re excited about, check them out. But you can find all different kinds of leather harnesses everywhere. On Etsy, on other websites. So check that out, if you want a custom option.

Let’s talk about adjustable fabric harnesses. Some pros is that a lot of the brands are machine washable, which is just really convenient. You can wash it and sterilize it. Many of them have stretchy O-rings. So instead of having those rubber O-rings that you have to switch out, you just have one O-ring that you can use to accommodate different kinds of toys. So that’s an added convenience. They’re usually really comfortable to be worn for long periods of time.

And it’s pretty easy to share them with partners, since you can adjust the size. It’s easy to adjust where the dildo sits on your body, and these, in my experience, come in the broadest range of sizes that I’ve seen. So that’s really great too. Some cons… They don’t necessarily have that sexy look that leather provides. They might look a little more sporty. But they certainly serve their purpose. And the cheaper versions of fabric harnesses do tend to loosen while you’re using them, and fall apart over time.

I’m going to show you… Let’s look at this one. All right. Well, my screen has frozen. So that’s cute. Great. Well… Let me see what I can do here. So what I want to show you… And what I’m searching for right now… Is the brand Spare Parts. They make a ton of different harnesses. Okay. I’ve got it now. It’s loading. They have fabric harnesses that are… Really comfortable. They come in a wide range of sizes. And they have a whole lot of bells and whistles. So I am now sharing my screen. So… This one right here is called the Theo harness by Spare Parts. This one is $114. So this one, again, is definitely on the expensive side. But these will last for a long time. They have that stretchy O-ring. What I really love is the band that goes around the hips is super wide. And is adjusted with velcro. So once you’ve adjusted the straps so that they fit your body appropriately, you don’t really have to adjust them again. You can just velcro it around your waist. So this is great if you’re someone who deals with hand pain, or if you just want the ease of getting the harness on.

There is a pocket that is underneath the O-ring, where you can put a vibrator, if you wish. There’s a lovely person wearing this harness. And then the back of this one… Fits like a thong and has snaps in the back so you can adjust the length of that back strap. Spare Parts makes another version called the Jock that’s very popular, that has under the butt straps. I’m showing the thong version for the sake of versatility. But a lot of people like the thong strap, because it’s very cushy. It’s not giving you a pain in your crack area. We don’t want that. All right. I’m done sharing my screen.

And… Well, now my notes have gone away. Uh… But I do want to talk to you about the measurements of those. Which I have written down in my notes. And we’re gonna find them. We’re gonna find them together. I think my computer kind of freaks out with CrowdCast. There’s too much going on! We’re scrolling down. Okay. We’re on our way there. So in the interests of time, I’m not gonna share my screen for all of these other ones that I’m gonna talk about.

But I do want to mention — so the Spare Parts harnesses, they come in two sizes. Size A and size B. Size A fits from 20 to 50 inch hips and size B fits 35 to 66 inch hips. So those are pretty easy to adjust. And to share with partners. I want to mention some budget options. Specifically, there’s something called the Tantus Curve Kit. And there will be a link to this, on the transcript of this class later. This is actually a dildo and harness combo. That’s $84 all together. Which is a steal.

This can fit hips up to 60 inches. So this is a really great option. It’s… You know, definitely not on the fancy-schmancy side. Not as fancy as Spare Parts. But it will do the job. And it’s a great way to shop for a dildo and harness together, if you’re on a budget. And there will be links to some other options too. There’s one called the Divine Diva that is $50, that fits up to an 82 inch waist. And that one has lots of cushion and is super comfortable. So there are just a lot of options out there, for fabric harnesses.

I want to move on to underwear harnesses. And… I’m gonna start moving a little bit quicker. Because this is going by way faster than I thought it would. Pros to underwear-style harnesses: Some brands are machine washable. Which is great. They’re super easy to put on. You just… Slip them on. And you’re good to go. You don’t have to adjust any straps and buckles. They typically have stretchy O-rings, so they can accommodate different dildos. Sometimes they have a pocket for a vibrator. And these are a really great option if you want to wear a harness while tucking.

Specifically, the brand Spare Parts is the one that a lot of folks have told me is best for that, because it’s made out of kind of like a swim suit material and fits really tight to the body. So this is a great option for that. Some cons to underwear harnesses are: They might not fit you if your body size fluctuates significantly at different areas of time. So… Just a little bit of fluctuation, it’s probably still gonna fit. But if you’re someone whose body size fluctuates in a way where you find yourself wearing different pant sizes, an underwear-style harness probably isn’t gonna work for you. Because if it’s too tight or too loose, it either is gonna be uncomfortable or it won’t hold your dildo in place anymore.

These are also not great to share with partners unless you and your partner happen to be the exact same size. But otherwise… If you and your partner both want to use a harness, you’ll have to get different options. And if you don’t get a high quality one, it can stretch out over time. And it might not be able to hold up a really heavy dildo. So… I just quickly want to mention… And just to move faster… I’m probably not gonna show photos and share my screen for all of these. But RodeoH is a really popular brand. They make some budget options that are around $50 for underwear-style harnesses.

And they carry size XXXS to I think XXXXXL is the biggest size that they go up to. So that’s up to 61 inch hips. These are really great. They’re not super expensive in comparison to some other options. The downside is they can stretch out over time. And they’re not gonna be great for a heavy dildo. So if you want a heavy dildo or if you want something a little more durable, then I recommend the brand Spare Parts, again. They have an underwear-style harness called the Tomboy that ranges in size from 26 inch hips to 59 inch hips. That one, though, is gonna be more expensive. Depending on what website you look at, it can be anywhere from $70 to $100. But this material is machine washable and it does not stretch out.

So that’s really great. And if you want more of a femme version of an underwear-style harness, they have two options, called the Sasha and the Bella. One of those… There is sort of like… A lacy underwear situation. That has an open back. So if you want access to your back door, you have that. And then there’s another option that has garters on the bottom. So those are both super hot. So if you want a harness that has more of a femme look and feel, those are really great.

And finally… Thigh harnesses. Tons of pros for these. If you are someone with limited back and hip mobility, or if a pelvic harness just isn’t comfortable on you, your thigh is a great option. So a thigh harness, just like what I’m saying. It straps around your thigh. The O-ring sits on the top of your thigh, so the dildo sits on the top of your thigh. A fun way to use these is: You can sit perfectly still, and your partner can get on top of your thigh and ride the dildo on your thigh. You don’t have to move at all. You don’t have to do a thing. So that’s really fun.

And then it also means that your hands are free, your mouth is free, and your genitals are exposed. So thigh harnesses are a great way for the wearer to get a ton of stimulation too. And they’re a great option for folks who don’t want to wear a pelvic harness or have limited mobility. Two options that will be linked in what we’ll share after this workshop are: Velcro thigh harness that I found that’s only $25, and then Sportsheets also makes a thigh harness that’s about $75. The unfortunate things with thigh harnesses is that they don’t always list their sizes online. I know that one of them that we’ll share does fit thighs ranging from 10 to 20 inches, I believe.

And then the other one didn’t list sizes at all. So that’s a big bummer with thigh harnesses. But there are definitely custom options out there. There are a lot of independent harness makers who sell thigh harnesses. So if that’s an option you want to go with, and you’re not sure if what you’re seeing online is gonna fit you, you can find something online that does.

So that’s my rundown of different kinds of harnesses. I’m gonna keep breezing through this, and then get to these questions at the end. Just because I don’t want to run out of time. But I have a few tips for the harness wearer. First of all, if your harness is adjustable, take some time experimenting with it on your own. Before you try having strap-on sex. Because sometimes there’s a lot of buckles, there’s a lot of adjusting. It can feel awkward. So it’s a good idea to just have a sense of what that’s like on your own before you try to do it in front of a partner. Sometimes we can get a little nervous and fumbly, and it’s nice to know what you’re working with in advance.

I think it’s much easier to put your dildo in your harness before you put it on. Because once that harness is tight to your body, especially if you have an O-ring that has snaps, it can be hard to, like, get that snapped in there. So if you’re able to do that in advance, that is ideal. And if you feel weird about wearing a strap-on harness, this might sound silly, but wear it around your house. Walk around in your harness. With your dildo out. And just… Get used to having it there. And that way, you’ll probably feel a lot more comfortable using it during sex. Let’s see what else.

So another tip for the harness wearer is: If you find that the base of the dildo is uncomfortable against your genitals, or if you’re just not getting a ton of stimulation from it, you can use a textured silicone base. There is something called the BumpHer. B-U-M-P-H-E-R. I don’t know why they gave it a pronoun, but they did. This is a soft and textured silicone base that fits over the base of a dildo. And it kind of rocks against your genitals while you’re wearing it in a harness. So that just provides more stimulation. So if you find that your dildo isn’t really hitting you where you want it to hit you, the BumpHer will sort of extend where the base of that dildo goes. And it will also make it softer.

So if you find that the base of your dildo feels too hard or uncomfortable, something like the BumpHer is great. Additionally, if your harness has a pocket for a vibrator and you want to take advantage of that, go for it. I would definitely recommend trying a vibrating toy that is round and flat, if you can. A lot of folks will try to use a bullet vibrator. That can definitely work, but sometimes… A lot of those are made out of hard plastic, and that can feel uncomfortable, if you’re really thrusting away. So if you do happen to have a vibrator that is a little squishy and round and flat, and ideally silicone or something soft, that’s gonna be a lot more comfortable.

And if you are wearing a harness and you’re using a double ended dildo, make sure that the end that’s inserted in you is lubricated. Because that’s probably gonna be in there for a while. And even if you’re someone who produces natural lubrication, a little extra lube will help you go longer. Will help you feel more comfortable. So that is ideal.

All right. We are gonna get into vaginal strap-on sex, and then we’re gonna talk about anal strap-on sex in different positions. And unfortunately, I’m gonna have to try to do that as quickly as possible. But… This is gonna be fun. I also want to say, when I talk about sex positions, I try to find good pictures, demonstrating the positions, but they all felt not very inclusive, and they felt very straight and cis. So… I’m not gonna be showing images for this. I’ll be describing them in words, which might be difficult. So if you’re confused, please ask in the chat, and I’ll do my best to explain these better.

So when I’m talking about how to have vaginal strap-on sex, I’m gonna be using the words “giver and receiver”. When I’m saying “giver”, I mean the person wearing the harness. And the “receiver” is the person who is getting fucked by the dildo. Of course, that language is a little bit limiting. Because technically everybody is receiving something out of this act. But this is just for the sake of simplicity. Those are the words I’m gonna use. First, have a conversation with your partner about physical and emotional safety before you engage in strap-on sex. That’s always a good idea before you try something new. To just talk about what your limits and boundaries and needs are, just so you’re both getting what you want out of the experience and you feel safe.

Also, make sure you are in a comfortable space. You have uninterrupted time. Your phones are off. When you’re relaxed, you’re gonna be having a lot more fun. You’ll also want to prepare for messes. So that means lube. Because I’m going to ask you to use lube. That means menstruation. That means squirting. Whatever kind of mess that’s gonna come up, be ready for it.

So if that means using a waterproof blanket or a drop cloth or a sheet or towel or something that you’re putting down in the area where you’re having sex, that will just help ease your mind too. You’re not gonna have to worry about staining your sheets. And you can instead be more in the present moment. And doing what you’re doing. Always warm up for strap-on sex. So that means oral sex, hand sex, vibrators. BDSM. Whatever gets you in the mood. Because the more aroused you are, the more fun you’ll have. The easier it will be. And the more pleasure you will receive.

If you’re somebody who has had gender confirmation surgery, and you’re gonna be having penetrating strap-on sex, make sure that you’ve been following your surgeon’s instructions in terms of dilating, and if you need to dilate in advance, that you’ve done that. Just to make sure that you’re gonna be safe and comfortable the whole time. And when you’re ready to have vaginal strap-on sex, get that harness on. And make sure that it is fitting tight to your body. The last thing you want is to have your harness be too loose and then you have to stop.

So make sure it’s fitting nice and tight. And if you want a little extra control, make sure that your dildo is sitting a little bit high. So on or above your pubic bone. That might feel silly. I know some people want to have their dildo like… Where their genitals are specifically located. And if that works for you, that’s great. But if you need a little bit more control, it’s totally fine to wear it a little bit high. I find that that works best.

Use water-based lube. Even if you and/or your partner produce natural lubrication, lube is always gonna make the experience just a little bit easier. It can last longer. It can be more fun. If you’re using a silicone toy, make sure that lube is water-based and make sure you’ve tested it in advance, in case of any allergies. And when you start, it’s a good idea to let the receiver guide the dildo in with their hands.

So we’re talking about vaginas right now. We’ll talk about butts in a second. But… Just to make sure that that dildo is hitting the right spots and not the wrong spots — just let your partner guide it in. And I want to say, as a receiver, so if you’re the person getting fucked with a strap-on… You don’t just have to, like, lie back and get fucked. Although you certainly can, if that’s what you want. But you can totally be really active in this. And I’m gonna recommend some sex positions that require a little more action from the receiver.

But even if you’re in one of those positions, where let’s say you’re in what folks would call the “missionary” position, and the receiver is on their back, you can grab onto your partner’s harness, and use that to pull their hips into you. You can wrap your legs around their back. There’s a lot that you can do to stay active in the experience. So it doesn’t feel like you’re just laying there, if that’s not what you want.

And for givers, you don’t have to go deep to give your partner pleasure. Sometimes staying shallow is best. And in fact, most of our nerve endings are located in more of the shallower regions of the vagina. So make sure you’re in communication with your partner. While you’re having strap-on sex. About depth, about speed. Those are both gonna be really important. Also, try different positions.

It might feel silly and awkward to switch positions while you’re having sex. This is totally normal. This is something that everybody has to do. In order to find what feels most comfortable for you. Everyone is different. So if one position really worked for you and one partner, that might not work for you and a different partner. Because everyone’s body is different. So it’s really important to experiment, to find what feels best.

And it might feel silly to switch positions. It’s totally okay to laugh. Sex is hilarious. It’s best to lean into it.

So… I’m gonna list some position options. We’ve got… The Cowperson. Yep. That is a gender neutral cowgirl. Cowperson. So if you’re someone who has limited mobility and back issues, and you’re wearing a harness, you can lay flat on your back as the giver, and the receiver can just ride your dildo. So you don’t have to move or thrust at all, if that’s not comfortable for you, or you don’t want to. It’s also really nice, because it gives the receiver total control of the depth and the speed of what’s happening. So that’s one option.

We also have the Missionary Position. So for receivers, who maybe don’t want to be as active, or can’t be as active, you can lay on your back. And the giver can lean over you. And penetrate you vaginally. That way. For receivers who have bigger bellies, it can be really helpful to elevate your hips under a pillow. And that way, your belly can kind of fall back and out of the way, while you’re having sex in this way. One brand to check out is a brand called Liberator. So you can certainly use whatever pillows you have in your home. But if you want to be a little fancy-schmancy, Liberator makes pillows that are made out of really firm foam. They are specifically for sex. And they can help get your body in different positions.

So this is great for anybody if you just want some more comfort during sex, or if you experience body pain, and it’s easier to be in certain positions. Liberator pillows are super comfortable, nice and firm, and they have waterproof coverings. So those are really great. All right. We talked about missionary. Let’s talk about doggy style, on the hands and knees. So the receiver is on their hands and knees, and the giver is kneeling behind the receiver. For receivers with wrist pain, you can totally go down on your forearms, or you can even lay on your stomach and elevate your hips with some pillows. And then the giver can fuck you from behind that way.

So doggy style can be a lot more versatile. It doesn’t have to be hands and knees. We also have a position that some people seem to call the butterfly. I don’t know how common that is, but that’s what I’ve read. This is when the receiver is laying on their back, on a bed, with their legs hanging off the end, and the giver is standing and thrusting that way. Whether or not this position works will depend, of course, on the height of your giver and the height of your bed, but this is totally an option. We also have what I call side fucking. Maybe you all have a name for this. When the giver and receiver lay on their sides, facing each other. And maybe wrap their legs around each other. And the strap-on fucking happens that way.

This is a really cute and cuddly position that allows for a lot of intimacy. So that’s a fun option. There’s also sitting up, face-to-face. This actually works best if the giver is able to support the receiver’s weight. So if the giver and receiver can sit facing each other, and the receiver is kind of sitting in the giver’s lap, the giver can wrap their arms around the receiver and pull them towards them. That’s another really intimate position that can be really fun.

And then of course, there’s standing. A lot of folks like to experiment withstanding during strap-on sex. I just recommend that you do that near a wall. So ideally… The giver or the receiver is leaning against a wall, so that nobody falls over and gets hurt. Because that’s not fun. And… You know, always communicate about speed and intensity. Use your hands. You can touch your partner’s clit, touch their nipples, spank them, pull their hair, like… You don’t just have to be having strap-on sex. That’s the beauty of it. Is you can incorporate a lot of other things while you’re doing it.

And then take breaks. Like… Make out. Giver receive a strap-on blow job. Say sweet nothings into each other’s ears. Taking breaks is totally normal. And really important for comfortable penetration. So those are my tips for vaginal strap-on sex. My tips for anal strap-on sex are gonna be really similar. But there are definitely some special considerations.

I want to acknowledge: You do not have to clean your butt for anal sex. I think some people get really… Hung up on that. And scared of it. Because… You know, there is the tiniest possibility that the dildo comes out and there’s just a little bit of excrement on it. That comes with the territory. That’s where you are. And that… You know… Is pretty rare. If you’re someone who has regular bowel movements, you eat a lot of fiber, you’re probably good to go. There could be a little something, and that’s okay. That’s what we’ve signed up for, when we’re engaging in anal sex.

I mean, what’s great about strap-on sex is… If you’re self-conscious about anything getting on your partner’s body, in this case, it’s on a dildo. Which is really easy to clean and sterilize. So a lot of folks really like to experiment with anal sex with a dildo. Before doing that with body parts. Just because… It makes them feel a little more at ease. And that’s totally okay. If you do choose to clean your butt, using a douche or enema, do that a few hours before sex. So don’t do it right before. Sometimes water can get lodged up in there. You don’t know it’s there. And splash, out it comes while you’re having sex. It’s a mess and it’s not fun. So if that’s something that’s important to you, make sure you do it a few hours in advance. And only use water. You don’t want to go to the store and get a fleet enema. That’s a common drugstore for anal douching. That actually has a laxative agent in it. You don’t want to use that. You just want to use water.

When you’re having anal strap-on sex, the same rules apply to vaginal sex. Make sure you’re in a comfortable space. You have uninterrupted time. You are prepared for messes. And you are adequately warmed up. So… Stimulate each other’s genitals. Eat your partner’s ass. Use a butt plug. Use fingers. You really want to warm up your butt. You can also use a vibrator. A lot of folks like a really powerful wand-style vibrator on the outside of the butt, before engaging in anal sex. That will help all of those muscles relax. Because… Sometimes we have a tendency to tense up. And you don’t want to do that. That’s gonna be painful and not fun.

If you are having anal strap-on sex with someone who has a prostate, this is a great way to get prostate stimulation. And if you want to do a little prostate stimulation prior to engaging in the actual strap-on sex, you can totally use your fingers. So… The prostate is a gland that’s about the size of a walnut. And it’s near the bladder. And the way that you get to it is there’s a butt in front of me. So let’s say there’s a person in front of me. They’re facing away from me. Somehow their butt is in front of my face, because they’re very tall. You want to put one or two fingers in and press them forward. You want to find an area that has a slightly different texture from the rest of what you’re feeling. And that is the prostate. You can gently stroke that area to stimulate the prostate. Prostate stimulation — we don’t have time to get into it too much in depth.

But it allows for different kinds of orgasms. And really, really powerful orgasms. So if you are working with someone who has a prostate, or if you have a prostate, strap-on sex can be a really fun way to engage with that part of your body. When you’re having anal strap-on sex, really make sure that the harness is held tightly to your body. And make sure that you’re using a firmer dildo, just because it will be a lot easier to insert.

And absolutely 100% use lube. You have to use lube. Your butt does not self-lubricate. And we don’t have a ton of nerve endings deep in our butts. So we might not know if we’re getting hurt. So using lube is essential.

I’m gonna go through a few positions really quick. So some of these are really similar to what we talked about already. Doggy style is certainly an option. On the hands and knees or laying on the stomach with the hips elevated with the pillow. That is an option. We also have something that I like to call the squat and thrust. This is for givers who are really flexible.

So the receiver lays on their stomach and the giver squats over them. And thrusts that way. Knees up is a really great position for anal sex, if the giver wants to be in more of a relaxed position. So lay on your back and pull your knees towards your chest. And if you have a bigger belly, elevate the hips with a pillow to get the belly out of the way, and the giver can kneel in front of you and fuck you that way. The lap sit is great. This is where the giver who is wearing a harness sits in a chair and the receiver just backs up onto their dildo. This is great for givers who have limited mobility or for receivers who want to be really in control of just how far that dildo is going in.

We have the bend over. Which is when the receiver bends over a bed or a table, and the giver stands behind them. That’s a great one. And there are so many options. I of course can’t cover all of them. But I do finally want to give one last shout out to this last one. Which is spooning! When the giver and receiver lay on their sides, the giver spoons the receiver. And fucks them that way. This is a really cute one. You can whisper into your partner’s ear while you do it. It’s adorable.

Once again, communicate about speed and intensity. Definitely continue using your hands to stimulate parts of your own body or other parts of your partner’s body. And take breaks. Taking breaks is really important. Just as important as it is for vaginal sex. And speaking of vaginal sex, if you’re doing anal strap-on sex, you don’t want to go from the back door to the front door with the same toy. So if you would like to do that, switch out your dildo for a different dildo. Or put a condom over it. If you want to go from fucking the butt to fucking the vagina. Just because you can spread bacteria from the back door to the front door.

And that’s not a good time. Those are all the positions I wanted to cover! I also want to mention: If you want to see some strap-on sex in action, because I know that sometimes a verbal explanation of sex positions can be really confusing, I recommend checking out the Crash Pad series. It’s an independent queer porn series. There’s a ton of strap-on sex in that. And when you’re a subscriber, you can actually filter for scenes that show strap-on sex. So you can see all the different ways and all the different kinds of people who have strap-on sex. That’s really fun.

And there’s also this old kitschy series by sex educator Carole Queen, called Bend Over Boyfriend. That is specifically about anal strap-on sex. I will warn you: It’s very straight, it’s very cis. But it’s really good information. I want to make sure… So we have… Three minutes left. I want to look at some of these questions. And if we have time, I want to talk about one harness that I skipped. Just gonna scroll down. We talked about bumpers. Someone wants to try a double ended dildo but they’re inexperienced with penetration. How do you work up to that?

That’s something that you’ll want to do slowly and over time. So… If you’ve never experienced any kind of vaginal penetration at all, and you want to be wearing a double ended dildo, like the bulbous end, those can be pretty girthy. So I would recommend experimenting with penetration with your own fingers, or a partner’s fingers, or a smaller toy. And then slowly work your way up to bigger sizes over time. You don’t want to go from zero to 100. Because that can be really painful. Suggestions for folks with vaginas who are on T and have had bottom growth.

Yeah. So if you are… I think maybe you’re asking… For folks who want to wear a strap-on harness, I think? If that’s the case, I know that folks on T who have experienced bottom growth can have really, really sensitive genitals. And so in that case, I would definitely recommend using something like the BumpHer. I don’t like that name. But that’s what it’s called. And that will help you avoid putting lots of uncomfortable pressure on your genitals. And it will be a little bit softer and will give you some extra stimulation.

We have just one minute left. So I know I should wrap it up. But there will be links — all the products that I talked about — on our website available to you later. And you can watch this after the fact. I really hope this has been helpful. And I’m sorry I had to speed through the end of it a little bit. Thanks so much for bearing with us, while we figured out CrowdCast and how to do online classes generally. This has been so fun. Thank you, Autostraddle and A+ subscribers. I hope you go out and have strap-on sex this weekend! Please! Happy Pride month. I’m gonna close my video now. But thank you!

Rachel: Hi, everyone! Can you hear me? Hey! Thank you everyone so much. God, thank you, Ro! Can we… I know you’re the only one you can see clapping. But can we give Ro a round of applause? That was incredible. I cannot believe anyone managed to fit so much information and so much useful, concrete, applicable information into 90 minutes. Especially as Ro was saying — a kind of sex people have been working on for literally thousands of years. We did it. 90 minutes. I think we’re all set. But seriously, thank you so much. That was incredibly helpful, Ro. I learned a lot. And I’m the interim sex and dating editor at Autostraddle. And I do just want to plug, just because I do think Ro is so masterful at this, that if you want to hear more of this, if you want to hear more about Ro on sex and dating in general, I would definitely check out our sex and dating newsletter, More, Please, of which Ro is the editor and curator. And I think it’s not all going to be guides and tips. But I think you’re gonna get a lot out of it, if you got a lot out of this workshop.

And again, thank you so much to everyone for being an A+ member. Both because of the income and the renewable sustainable funding that we get from A+ is what makes workshops like this possible and makes it possible for us to pay people fairly for them, as well as invest the money to make them accessible and pay folks like Mirabai who do that labor. I also want to thank you for being here. The investment, the engagement, the enthusiasm, the good faith you bring to these spaces makes it so fulfilling and makes us so excited to wake up and do this work every day. I do also want to share that we’re gonna have the transcript and recording of this video up next week, along with links to all of the resources and products that Ro has been so good to share, and we do also have gift memberships now for A+. I’m not sure if everyone is aware of that, but Nicole and our tech team have been able to set that up. So if you want to return to this and revisit it, it’s gonna be an option next week.

If you know anyone who would like to be able to access this and hasn’t so far, we’re able to gift a membership to them, you or someone else is able to gift a membership to them. For as little as $4 a month. That option is available at our join Plus page, like everything else. If you haven’t been able to see our previous workshops, you can go back through and look at what we’ve been able to do so far and join us for our next upcoming workshop. Thank you so, so much for being part of A+. We’re really excited to bring this to you and everyone else. And for everyone who wasn’t able to have the questions answered in the way they hoped to, I totally understand, and I would love you to know that you can actually share those with us at any time and we would be happy to answer them as a you need help or advice question for the site. It’s so helpful to know what you’re wondering, what’s on your mind, and it guides our coverage. If you’re thinking about it, chances are, a lot of other people are too. So thank you so much to everyone who joined, to everyone who was good enough to ask questions. We’re really excited to be in community with you. Happy Pride!

The latest in Queer Sex 101, our series of real live queer people teaching you everything you need to know about real queer sex continues, with a one-hour workshop from pleasure coach and educator Luna Matatas on how to have gay sex for the first time.

This event was broadcast live for our A+ members on May 10, 2021, and live captioned by StenoKnight services. We’re sharing the replay here for everyone to enjoy! (Transcript below). Check out other workshops in this series:

+ All About Masturbation with Shelli Nicole
+ All About Sex Toys with Archie Bongiovanni

powered by Crowdcast

+ How to Have Lesbian Sex for the First Time

+ How to Have Lesbian Sex 102: Cunnilingus

+ The Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey Data on Having Sex for the First Time

+ 10 Lesbianish Sex Books to Make You Better in Bed

+ Sex Ed 2.0: Books on Queer Sex That Answer Questions You Never Got To Ask

+ Check out her webinars

+ Look into her coaching and consultations

+ Listen to her host The Plug Podcast, a podcast that digs deeper into anal play

RACHEL: Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for being here today. I’m getting us set up for our how to have sex for the first time workshop. And Mirabai, our live captioner…

My name is Rachel Kincaid. I’m the managing editor at Autostraddle.com, and we’re excited that you were able to join us in the latest in our series of Queer Sex 101, that we have been starting during quarantine, and now taking out into a slightly different quarantine world. Today we are working with Luna Matatas, who is a professional pleasure coach, an experienced workshop leader, who has been looking over the past couple weeks over your questions, submitted anonymously, about how to have great queer, gay, or lesbian sex for the first time and she’s here to share a lot of her wealth of knowledge and experience with you. Thank you for being here as a plus member. The A+ program is the only way we’re able to fund the series, as well as so much else at Autostraddle.com and we’re incredibly grateful to be able to share this with the rest of our viewers thanks to you, as well as all the other workshops in the series, which I can link you to soon. This workshop will be available on the website a few days later. As a replay, if you would like to watch it again. And refer to it whenever you would like. We have some questions for you ahead of time, and would love to also hear any questions you have during the workshop. Either in the chat box or if you would like to use the “ask a question” function, that’s great as well. I will be in the chat box as well. During all of the workshop, able to answer any questions you have, while Luna is teaching. Thank you so much for being here. We’re really excited. And I’m going to work to try to bring Luna on now. Thanks so much!

LUNA: Yay! It worked! Okay! Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I think that was so lovely and so wonderful to be in this space with everyone. And for us to be able to have this space, talking about gay sex. And talking about what it’s like to have gay sex for the first time! Whether you’ve had other types of relationships or sexual experiences, or you’re completely new to discovering your sexual side. All of these experiences are something that we can start to enter from, and really understand how to have a pleasure-focused… Oh, am I lagging? Or am I okay? I’m good? Okay. Thank you for confirming. All right. I’m just gonna keep rolling. I wore my gayest dress possible today. Because where else am I gonna get to wear and celebrate a rainbow bodycon dress and my clitoris necklace? If you’re super excited to be here today, let me know in the chat. It’s so wonderful that so many of you showed interest in this workshop. And I saw some excitement earlier, while we were getting ready. Thanks, Elizabeth, Hailey, thanks. So we’re all pumped and excited. If you’re a little bit nervous, a little bit curious, a little bit observant tonight, that is totally okay too. Feel free to share your experiences, your questions, the nuances that really apply to you and the way that you have your sex and sexuality really — your desires and your specific needs. Feel free to drop those in the chat. I will be using language that is primarily talking about genitals from an anatomical perspective.

And I’ll also be talking about gender in an expansive way. But I may not catch the nuances of your particular desires or experiences. So feel free to let me know in the chat what if or what about. And I may be able to answer them. Or I may be able to guide you on how to discover other sources or ways to explore those on your own. So everything is welcome here tonight. Yay! Okay. Good. You’re excited, Alex! Amazing. Katherine, you’re excited. Bee is excited. Wonderful.

I’m Luna Matatas, a pleasure and sex educator and I’m based out of Toronto, Canada. And I started my journey in sex education from a public health perspective. So I was talking ’til I was blue in the face about condoms, about STIs, about ways that you can get sick from sex.

And so no matter where I was teaching, I’ve taught in Eastern and southern Africa, all over Canada, and the US, people want to know about pleasure! So I would be talking about dental dams and condoms, and they would be like… But how do I eat her ass? And how do I get a toy? What do I do with a toy? And so there’s a lot of… Desire for this kind of knowledge about how to do sex in a way that is pleasure-focused. But the kind of sex ed that we get is sex ed that’s very much focused on… Fear tactics. We get penetration-focused sex ed. We get reproductive-focused sex ed. I went to Catholic school. So I learned, like, nothing. I learned how to get pregnant.

And over time, I started to explore not only my sexual identity, but also my ways of having sex. I had already built up a lot of knowledge that I thought was validating for how to have sex. So I thought that sex needed to look this way and this way and this way. And for a lot of us, once we start to discover our queerness, or once we start to even just get closer to our erotic desires, we start to wonder: Do I even really like that? Or was I told that I need to like this thing? Has anyone had that experience?

Where you thought that this was what sex should be like? Or what pleasure should be like? And then… You know, it’s not really your thing? And I think particularly for queer communities, we often get defined by our sexual experiences. Whereas… Our sex and sexuality — anybody, queer or not queer — isn’t just defined by who you’re attracted to, or what you like to do, or what you like to do with other people. Even your sexual relationship to yourself is gonna tell you a lot about how you like to have partnered sex.

All right! So feel free to drop any questions that you have tonight. We have an hour. So I’m gonna try to get through a lot of the questions that were submitted, as well as give you information on… We’re gonna talk first about: What is sex for you? What does that look like? We’re gonna talk about: How to develop techniques for sex. Whether it’s solo sex or partnered sex. And then we’re gonna talk a little bit about safer sex. So both emotionally safe sex and physically safer sex. And then I’ll get to some of the questions. So if you do drop a question, I may not answer it until the end. But feel free to put it in there.

All right. I would love to know… I’m gonna get into our first section. But I would love to know something that you find sexy. And so this could be a color. It could be… A celebrity. It could be a vibe about a person. It could be a characteristic. It could be a word. A language. An outfit. And think about what came to mind when I said sexy. If I said someone sexy walked into the room, what do they look like, what do they feel like, what do they sound like? I love that confidence. Already came up. All right. Thank you, Lola. Yes. Keep dropping them in there. And I’m gonna come and look at some of them. Look at us go. Confidence, confidence. Good. I’m gonna talk a lot about confidence tonight. Hands. Oh my gosh, hands. I’m so into hands too. Humor. Yes, someone that makes you laugh. Right? Glasses. Ooh. I’m so attracted to glasses too. Dancing. Confidence. Tattoos. Yes, yes. I feel like we’re all attracted to the same person here.

All right. So with confidence, I love that you mentioned… A few of you mentioned this, and you mentioned some physical attributes. You mentioned some ways of being or personality traits. All right. Because what we get from being on dating apps, what we get from media, what we get from a lot of what we consume when we see romantic or sexual relationships is focused just on sort of one dimensional appearance-based characteristics.

And while there is a physical attraction component to how we desire somebody, it’s so limited. Right? It’s so little. What I look like is actually the least interesting thing about me. Right? And when we think about how we define what’s sexy and what’s attractive, that also is super, super narrow. It’s just a sliver of what we could actually find really attractive out there. Okay. So… Keep that in mind. Because I’m gonna ask you to expand on this. We’re gonna build our perfect date here maybe later. All right. So when we think about what is sex for you, a lot of times our sex ed in… Not only in high school, but also in the ways that we see romantic and sexual ideas show up are in a very heteronormative way. And what that means is that it sort of gives us ideas about sex and how to measure our sexual activities that are based on penis and vagina, that are based on penetration-focused sex, that are based on a masc and a femme having sex, based on someone being a top, someone being a bottom or a giver or receiver. And while all of these things are part of your buffet of sex, there is so much more to sex!

There are so many other things that we can do with our bodies, with our erotic imaginations, by ourselves, or with partners. That can give us the same… Give us the pleasure that we actually desire. So if you already have some ideas about what sex is for you, then that’s great. You know, it may be the kind of sex that you want to have. It may not be the kind of sex that you want to have. Lots of us have sex that’s pretty unsatisfying. Right? I actually… Let me tell you my story of coming into Autostraddle. I came out in my early 30s. And so I had been married to a cis man, monogamously for about ten years.

And I just didn’t know there was any other option. I was like… Oh, you just, like, do this thing. And then… This is what happens. And so, for me, there was always a connection to my queerness. There was always this desire and this introspection about my queerness. But it never had any legs. It didn’t have life. It didn’t have anywhere to go. Because I didn’t know where to take it. So you may have had relationships with other people where you explored your sexuality, but now it feels different, as you’re reorienting yourself in your connection to sex and other people. So it might include some of those things. Or it might include a whole bunch of new skills, which might feel super intimidating. So I’m gonna reassure you that for everybody, sex is a skill. We pretend it’s not a skill for heterosexual people. But it is 100% a skill.

And the reason being is that we have to learn how to communicate our desires. We have to learn how to do particular techniques. Right? If we want to learn how to play with vulvas or anuses or penises, we have to learn pleasure anatomy. For many of us, we don’t really have an opportunity to do this, so we’re reliant on porn. Has anyone seen porn? I just want to see if you’re being authentic. If you’ve seen porn, let me know in the chat.

Now, porn is focused on performance. And so they’re actors. They’re entertainers. And so everything has to look over the top. Everything has to look… You know, very sensationalized. And most of mainstream porn is also centered around the cis male gaze. And so it really doesn’t show what queer sex could look like. Or even a gender expansive version of sex. It’s very limited and very serving one purpose. If you’re looking for queer and feminist porn, I definitely recommend CrashPad series. The CrashPad series has some great porn that also shows the use of barriers, different bodies, ways of communicating that we just don’t see in mainstream porn.

All right. So no one’s seen porn? Are you all like… Is this happening? Or you’re just not taking me seriously? Because that’s okay too. All right. We’re gonna redefine sex a little bit. So once you first start approaching gay sex, once you first start approaching queer sex, you may feel that you’re just not sure what to do. So if you’re thinking about: What would be on a sex menu? What kinds of things are you interested in building technique about? What kinds of things are you interested in doing with somebody else? What kinds of fantasies do you have that are parts of pleasure? And so what that might look like is thinking about: How do I like to be touched? What do I think is sexy to do to another person? What would feel good in terms of sensual sex? In terms of erotic sex? In terms of kinky sex? In terms of sweet sex? In terms of rough sex? It can be any type of vibe. But we’re looking to kind of build a menu of activities.

And so… Think about, on your body, there are so many underserviced erogenous zones that get ignored when we’re only focused on penetration-focused sex or penis-centered sex or heterosexual ideas of sex. So does anyone like their ears touched or kissed or licked or nibbled? Even if you’ve never had it done. Do you think this would be a thing for you? Or something that you would like to do to someone else? Who are my ear people? Is anyone into ears?

If you’re not into ears, tell me about necks. Is anyone into their neck touched? Or stroked or kissed or licked or nibbled? If you’re not into necks, tell me about if you like your scalp massaged. Do you like your back massaged? I swear my back is like a second clit. So we’re looking for areas on the body that, one, have a lot of nerve endings, but also have a lot of blood flow that’s close to the top of the skin. That might mean your wrist. Your wrist has got a lot of blood flow that’s close to the top of the skin, so that’s an area that’s gonna become more sensitive during sex. When we stop thinking about sex as only about genitals or nipples or anuses, then we can start thinking about sex that’s more pleasure-focused. So then we build a menu that actually makes sense for what we’re feeling, what we would like to do, what would bring us feelings of intimacy, connection, passion, all of the kinds of desires that are not just about orgasm.

So orgasms are a great part of sex. They aren’t the only part of sex. They don’t have to be the goal of sex. Lots of people have great sex without necessarily having an orgasm every single time. That is also part of our performance-based sex. That… Well, maybe I take too long to come. Or I’m not gonna know how to make them come. That’s where we start to bring a lot of self-judgment into the bedroom. Where we start to really feel like… Oh my gosh. I have to get really good at making this person come.

And that’s a lot of pressure on you. That’s a lot of pressure on the person who is receiving as well. All right. I’m gonna tell you more of my hot spots, because I’m not hearing any of yours yet. But if you think of them later, feel free to drop some hot spots in there. So other hot spots for people who are often ignored or underserviced include things like the lower back. They also include backs of knees, feet, inner thighs, and there’s this spot right under the butt cheeks that’s super thin and got a lot of nerve endings. That you can touch, you can grab, you can kiss, you can lick. All these types of ways of getting curious about your body and somebody else’s body. All right. How are we feeling about redefining sex to include activities that are not just genital or penetration-focused?

Those can be a great part of it. I love genitals. I love my genitals. I like other people’s genitals. I love anuses. But when we think about actually mapping our sexual activities to the ways in which arousal works, it actually makes sense. To engage more of the body. So when you get aroused, when you think about something sexy, you think about hands, you think about humor, you think about confidence, you think about a special person, or a special fantasy, our brain starts to send signals to the rest of the body to awaken those nerve endings, and also increase blood flow to those areas.

That’s why right now… You know, if I was gonna kiss my wrist or I was gonna kiss your wrist, it’s not going to necessarily have the same effect as if I was in a sexy state of mind. So the connection between mind and body is so important for exploring the ways in which you like to have pleasure, and not what you feel obligated to do. All right. I’m just scrolling down to see if I’m missing anything. I didn’t… No! I couldn’t see your comments! Okay. They all came in now! All right. Thank you. I don’t know. There was a delay on the comments. I’m here now. I just thought you were shy! Okay.

Oh my gosh. So many beautiful ones here. All right. Black lace? Ooh, intelligence and kindness. Compassionate. Short hair at someone’s nape of the neck. Oh my gosh, you are so specific. I love this. Okay! You know what? If you didn’t have any ideas, get inspired by the chat. Because there are some really sexy things in here. Love the ears. Amazing. Neck. Oh, you all are into neck. Okay, good. I feel like if you’re not into the neck kisses, I don’t know. Are you dead on the inside? Do we need to check on you? I’m just kidding. You may not be into necks.

Back of the neck. Oh, we got team ears here. Neck. Okay. All of the above. Ooh, the inside of the hip bones. That’s a really good one. All of the places. Yes, absolutely. Everywhere. Okay. Now I’m all caught up now. Thank you for being patient with me. Now I know there’s a little bit of a lag. I’ll trust that you are participating. And I’ll get to your comments. Thank you for being patient with the lag. All right. So when you’re approaching someone new, this is what you want to do. We want to build a menu for ourselves.

So if I’m looking to hook up with someone, what kinds of things might I be interested in? You know? What parts of my body would I like someone to touch or delight with sensation or kisses or sex toys? When we’re thinking about pleasuring other people, we also want to approach it curiously. Because just because someone has a body type or genitals that you have pleasured before doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing is gonna work on this body.

It even doesn’t mean that if what I liked on Tuesday might be different than what I like on Saturday. So we always want to approach things with language or the idea of getting curious about: What are you in the mood for tonight? You know? How can I delight you tonight? What parts of you are hungry for my kisses? You know? What parts of you need attention? What can I do to tease your body? Where would you like me to start the tease? You know? Where would you like to be touched?

For a lot of people, sometimes the communication… It’s a struggle. Because we’ve been shown sex and sexuality that is so scripted and perfect. And the reality is… People sweat during sex. I sweat all the time. You know? I’m pouring sweat now. I sweat more during sex. People fart during sex. People don’t orgasm the way that they want to. People pee during sex. You know. There’s all kinds of awkwardness and silliness. That is part of sex. And once we can sort of accept that, and not take it as… An affirmation that we’re not good at sex. That it is just actually part of being authentic and human in our sexiness, we actually get more opportunities to play. We get to feel more playful.

And so for those of you who mentioned confidence as something that’s really attractive for people, or that you’re attracted to, confidence… It feels different than arrogance. Right? If you’re around someone that’s arrogant, it feels like they’re in competition with you. So sexually confident people, they’re not better at sex. They have more satisfaction during sex. They have more fun during sex. They usually are more relaxed during sex. And it’s because they put down or they learn to navigate their self-judgment during sex. So most of us are judging our performance, our bodies, the ways that we’re pleasing our partners.

And they’re not so concerned about rejection or favor. So I don’t want to know that I’m the best at giving, you know, oral or the worst at giving oral. I want to know: Am I giving you the oral that you want to receive? Am I touching you and sucking and licking you in the way that you want to be touched and sucked and licked? So this idea that we have to come in with, like, the alphabet, you know… Or like… Porno… I call the cunnilingus that you see in porn — I call it pornilingus. Ehhhh… Nobody has ever come from that. Nobody! Sometimes we have to shape these ideas of what sex should look like and actually be really present with bodies. Which is actually a lot harder than it sounds. All right. You’re appreciating the redefinition. Amazing. Me too. It was a game changer for me. And especially after having sex with cisgender, mostly heterosexual men for such a long time, I was so used to sex ending when the penis finished.

And so I was like… Wow. I guess like… I have to have sex in ways that when the other person is finished orgasming, then we stop doing the things that lead to orgasm. But the reality is… If we’re engaging the entire body, if we’re engaging all of our senses, if we’re treating our eyes, our mouth, our scent, our touch as little portals of pleasure… Then the sex can keep going in whatever direction you would like. Regardless of orgasm. Regardless of genitals. Regardless of penetration or no penetration. If we stop making assumptions about the ways in which sex has to result in pleasure, and we’re a bit more open to other pleasure rewards, you just have more fun.

You just have a better time. All right. You feel dead on the inside, but you still like neck kisses. That’s amazing. Erin and Lola are on the same page. Great thought process. Back of the neck, ears, and wrists are all great spots for me. I love that you already discovered these. That’s amazing. Yes. And you can help other people discover them as well, when we get curious about their bodies. So I like to do this thing with new people that I call curious kisses. And curious kisses is about me inviting them to let me, you know, drag my mouth and kisses all over their body.

Trying to find new hot spots. Right? I’m like… Is this armpit a hot spot? Is this elbow a hot spot? And it actually also helps your partner sink into the moment. Right? It isn’t this rush to… Okay. Well, part of our sex is foreplay. And then the other part of our sex is orgasmic. It’s like… No. Everything is actually really woven together. And that you may have an orgasm right off the bat and want to keep going. Or that may be the end of sex for you. So it opens up more opportunities for sensuality.

All right. I was thinking about confidence, but not arrogance. Right. Arrogant people are in competition. Confident people, they feel like they belong. You also don’t have to be completely free of your self-judgment in order to feel confident. Because confidence and doubt can exist at the same time. I sometimes go into sexual experiences, I’m like… I hated my body on Tuesday. Now it’s Friday. I want to do the thing. I still have the same body.

You know? And we can still draw on our erotic desires and our sexual selves, to create experiences that are still nourishing of our pleasure. Despite feeling… You know, unhappy about our bodies in a certain way. I mean, if you think about it, there’s really only space for attractiveness that is defined on a gender binary, that is super young, that is largely shaped by characteristics of White Supremacy, and that really doesn’t celebrate the many different versions of sexiness and attractiveness that all of us possess, and that are actually attractive to us.

Right? So this can be a challenge for you, where you start to embrace your queerness in a way that is about connecting to other people on dating apps. That is about presenting your queerness in a certain way. You might feel the pressure to look gayer, or to look less gay. Whatever that means. But there’s definitely community pressure around appearance and attractiveness and what’s trendy, in the same way as other communities. So when I first came out, I was like… I don’t look gay enough!

And I think I Googled like… Or it was on Pinterest. I was like… I need to find gay looks! I didn’t even know what that meant. I just knew that I didn’t feel confident in my sexiness as a queer woman. And in other ways, people might feel that they are more susceptible to rejection or things like fatphobia or ageism or transmisogyny. As they start to go out into the dating world. As their queer selves. They’ll be experiencing different kinds of ways to be rejected. Right? Maybe we were used to being rejected if you had previous partners in a certain way.

I mean, fatphobia is always a thing, like, everywhere. Same with ageism. Same with transphobia. But when we’re in our queer spaces, there’s also this extra piece of wanting our partners and our potential dates and our sexual partners to validate and affirm our queerness. And so for lots of us, that can come true through how we’re presenting or expressing ourselves. So think about that as well.

Like, think about the areas where you feel really excited about sex. So it might be to get your neck kissed or Team Ears up there. And think about the ways in which you’re anxious about sex, or you feel insecure about sex. I’ll tell you the most common thing that people tend to feel insecure about. Their body. Everybody is insecure about their body. But it may show up in a specific way for you. And everyone’s ashamed of their fantasies. So you might think that your fantasy is really messed up.

And sometimes I’ll have a fantasy that I think is so hot, and I’ll masturbate, and I’ll be like… That was great! I’m so fucked up! So… We all have our self-judgment moments. It’s not about eliminating it. It’s just about learning how to navigate it. It’s learning about how to be tender to ourselves. In those moments when we’re trying to hold ourselves up to standards that actually don’t mean anything. They don’t mean anything for us.

And so some things that you can do to navigate feeling not so comfortable in your body or in your desires or asking for what you want… I usually recommend to my coaching clients that they develop affirmations. And my affirmations are: I’m enough. I’m beautiful. And I have everything I need. And so we want to be able to have these grounding moments with ourselves, in self-acceptance. So that we can bring that into the bedroom. Right? Imagine how wonderful and empathetic we can be, then, to other people. And we can make space for their insecurities.

We can make space for their excitement. We can co-create pleasure with somebody else. Once we make space for ourselves. And we feel like it’s okay to be in this space with both our confidence and our doubt. All right. The lag has let up. I’m over. I’m coming back! All right. Curious kisses. You like curious kisses? Amazing. I had the abstinence only now everyone spit in this cup and would you drink that style… Oh my gosh. Yes. Yeah. I… I didn’t even get… We didn’t even learn about STIs when I was in Catholic school. Will you tell us where you got this gay dress? Yeah. Xian? Is that how you say it? I’ve never said it out loud. Yes. You’ve done the same on Pinterest? Okay! We all have gay inspo fashion boards. I feel pressure to seem gayer. Yeah, absolutely.

I forgot to introduce my pronouns and my identities. So my pronouns are she/her. And I identify as bisexual or pansexual. And pretty much… I’m attracted to people of many genders. And for me, it also doesn’t… There is something that can shift about your appearance, that can reaffirm yourself. So I definitely was performing my gender expression and my fashion, largely to try and be accepted by the male gaze. And that doesn’t only… That isn’t only owned by cis men. So queerness can also help you look at your body… Owning your queerness and your sexuality can help you look at your body in a different way.

That it actually has to serve you. That it actually has to come into… We get into our bodies through our erotic imagination. So we need somewhere good to land. Right? We need somewhere that’s receptive of landing. So another thing that happens within our first queer sex experiences is that we might be uncomfortable with receiving pleasure. So you might feel that you get kind of stuck in your head, even if someone is doing something really delicious to you.

And that can be a place where then we also start to get anxious. And then we get anxious about being anxious, because nobody wants to be the anxious person in the middle of a sexy thing. This is where we can start to use tools like affirmations. You can say that in your head. We can also use communication in these moments. If you feel like something is not going in the way that you like it, if you feel that something is… Something is just off… You could say to your partner: Hey, can we take a little break?

That’s all. Hey. I need a little break. Hey. Let’s take a little break. And in that little break, you get to really check in with yourself. And so is there something that you need to express? Is there something that you need to do for yourself? Is there something you need to do for another person? Do you need to end the situation? A lot of times, the sex ed that we’ve gotten and the sexual narratives that we’ve gotten — it causes us to betray ourselves. There’s a lot of self-betrayal in the dynamics of sex and consent that we have learned.

It’s sort of go along to get along. Or as long as you’ve said yes, then that means yes to everything. And that’s not true for anybody. Right? Our yeses are often sometimes hard to come by. Or they change! You can change your mind in the middle of things. All right. I’m coming back here. I was like… Gay hair cut? Rainbow T-shirt? I don’t know! Yeah! I was like… What about my shoes? I have to do something with my shoes. My shoes are way too femme, and maybe that’s not good. I don’t know! I was like… Do I need to get more Berks? I don’t know. I went through all the stereotypes as well.

And it was actually… It was a difficult exploration, but it really also opened up space for me to even challenge… Like, why do I like this thing? Why do I feel sexy in this particular thing and not this thing? I love the impulse to research gayness on Pinterest. Oh my gosh. I love that you’re all Pinterest nerds like me. I feel so pressured and intimidating on dating apps that people are far more gay than me. 100%, 100%. I had to write in big letters… I am gay on my profile.

Because I just felt that people would be swiping and think that because… Especially I have a femme presentation that maybe I’m trying to only attract cis men. And… That actually over time — I mean, give yourself time to go into all of these crevices that were once locked, that were once cloudy. And now are kind of opening up with information for you. So there is no right way to present your queer sexiness. Right? That is actually the beauty of raging against the machine. Is that we’ve got this joy in redefining sex. Redefining attractiveness. Redefining sexy.

And this can be super empowering for us. Because it creates more space for all parts of us. All right. We love the clit necklace? Oh my gosh. Wait. You’re gonna love the clit that I’m gonna show you. Don’t worry. Nobody’s pants are coming off. You also feel like a fraud as a queer person? I’m so glad that you’re sharing this. Because it does matter for our sex and sexuality. Because when we don’t feel free and safe, and affirmed, in expressing our sexual selves, and our sexual identities, it’s harder to create the conditions that would give us the most pleasure. Right? Because we’re busy kind of editing, taming, trying to find how to be most aesthetically attractive to someone. Or how to be the best at something.

And so we become in competition with this version of ourselves that we think people will like better. And, you know, what I said about silliness and awkwardness… I love when sex is silly and awkward, because it’s authentic. Right? When someone has that moment of… I’ll give you an example. I said to a partner once — I teach dirty talk. And so I said something dirty. I can’t remember what it was. And they said back to me… Yeah… I’m… I don’t… I don’t know. And they were kind of stuttering. And I said… All right! That didn’t work. Well, I got more, then. Don’t worry. And I just thought… You know, they’re not laughing at me. They’re not disappointed at me. It was just a moment of like… Yeah, I don’t know all the dirty talk in the world. I don’t know how to do the dirty talk. I’m also nervous about it, like other people.

So getting this kind of appreciation for making space for silliness, for playfulness, for awkwardness, you know, this is where we can have more pleasure opportunities. All right. You’re more confused about my identity now than my sexuality. That rings true for a lot of people, I’m sure. Yes. Ever since breaking up with a cis straight man not too long ago, I’m really trying to release the constant thoughts and worries about dressing for straight cis men. It’s really hard, but freeing to give myself permission to just be as I am.

Yeah! Absolutely. Absolutely. It is really hard. Because everything around us reinforces the male gaze. And so whether we’re interested in the male gaze or not, it is reinforced by just everyday things. Right? How many of you gave up on bras during the pandemic, if you were wearing bras before? This is the first time I’ve worn a bra in I don’t know how long. It’s pink! It goes with the outfit! It’s more for fashion than for function. But there’s lots of things that we have sort of adopted to try and be validated, but also safe under patriarchy. Right? I mean… We perform our gender. Our sexual orientation, in ways that… Not necessarily for us. But they do have a reward for us. All right.

Really opened up a lot of questions about my gender. Oops. Sorry. I already read that one. What are bras? Yeah. Started wearing binders. Awesome! I mean… Wait a minute. I have big breasts. I’m bringing them up and together for somebody else’s comfort? But this pain, this pain that’s digging into me. I gave up on bras so hard I bought my first binder. I love all the binders that are coming out. This is amazing. I wore a mask more than I wore a bra this year. That’s wonderful. I’ve been out and about with no bras and you wear HH? That’s beautiful. I’m giving kudos to that. Yes, amazing. I move towards bras, actually. Feeling my femmeness. Love this as well. This is so beautiful. And when we get to actually start to shape ourselves in ways that are affirming for us, right… So if a bra is affirming for you, amazing. If it feels that it’s making you contort your body in a way you don’t like, amazing. You know?

This is where we get our choice, versus being handed this sort of list of… Here’s how you be hot. Here’s how to do the hot. Right? Here’s how people will like you. Love you. You will find companionship. You will be treated nicer. You will be more attractive. You will be considered sexy. You know, we get a lot of messages that are subconscious, even if intellectually, we don’t agree with them. So I love that so many of you are discovering what feels good, what feels sexy for you. I’m 40 and I’ve never worn a bra. Good for you! All right. Bras, no bras — do whatever you would like to do. I think that feels most affirming for us.

But there will be that period of awkward discomfort. Of… Oh my God! Am I only relying on my own validation? And that… That’s scary. And that doesn’t mean that you can’t welcome compliments. I love when another femme, you know, kind of flies by me, on the street, and is like… Cute dress! And I’m like… You too! Right? So we can also find community through expressing ourselves in certain ways.

So it’s just about creating that questioning of: Is this what I want? Or is this what I’ve been conditioned to want? All right. Let’s do a little bit… Let’s do some more redefining sex talk. And then we’re gonna go into safer sex. So one of the things that I wanted to ask you to do — in addition to creating this little sex menu for yourself — and if you need ideas for the sex menu, there’s definitely places that you can look for ideas.

But you can just think about your own body. And what you find attractive about other people’s bodies. For some reason, I’m a butt-a-sexual. I love butts! I think butts are great. Everyone has an anus. The anus is like the great gender equalizer. So I really am interested in techniques for anal play. And I host an anal sex podcast called The Plug. I don’t know. What is my life? Don’t tell my mom. We talk about all these different anal techniques. So if there’s something that you’re really into, if the idea of fisting, if the idea of fingering, if kissing, sensuality, BDSM, threesomes — whatever your fantasies are — get some technique.

It’s so important to feel confident that you know your way around particular pleasure anatomy. So anal pleasure anatomy is different than vulva pleasure anatomy. That’s different than penis pleasure anatomy. So depending on what you want to learn about, if you want to learn about all the things, great. Technique does play a role. But remember that… You’re not taking a class. Or you’re not taking a webinar. Because you’re somehow less experienced or less skilled than the average person.

Sex is a skill for everyone. For everyone. And most people just don’t embrace it that way, and are kind of fumbling through it. So having an understanding of… The anatomy of pleasure can help you when you do things like curious kisses. They can help you when you’re talking about what you would like to do or how you would like to do it. For people with vulvas, we’ve often gotten a really limited… Or people who are attracted to vulvas too… Everyone has sort of gotten a really crappy version of pleasure-based sex ed. And so I didn’t hear about the clitoris until I was like… Well into my 20s. I didn’t even know that it was a thing. Yet I had been touching it. Yet I had been touching other people’s. I just didn’t know!

I’m gonna do a little bit of a show and tell. Because I can’t not bring, you know, my glitteris. Look at my glitteris! She’s so glittery! Unfortunately, your clitoris is not covered in glitter. If you have a clitoris. But if we’re talking about specific pleasure anatomy, it’s so important, especially in the cases of anybody’s genitals, that we look at what is actually the hot spot. You know? The hot spot isn’t just here. This is all that we see of the clitoris. We’re just seeing the exposed part of the clitoris. But the rest of this… This is all erogenous… Is an erogenous zone, and it’s also filled with erectile tissue. Which means that you get a clit boner, in folks with vulvas.

And knowing that can help you adjust your technique. Knowing that… Oh, there’s an erection happening here. Then that means that we don’t go… You know… Super hard on a clitoris. Because it’s not warmed up. So… When I talk about skill, I’m not talking about… You know, the five ways to make her come or the six ways to get them to do this. It’s really about just understanding: How do I apply technique? How do I apply my curiosity? How do I apply touch? And that’s how you get to co-create pleasure with somebody else. Because you can then say: You know, harder. Or softer.

Faster or slower. Deeper or more shallow. Right? So we can use very simple language that can help us get information about somebody’s body, and then use the information we have about pleasure anatomy and start to explore. If you’re interested in specific skills like cunnilingus or analingus, I will drop a link at the end in the chat for my webinars. I teach like 30 webinars. And I created a special code for you. So that you can save on something. I have a couple of favorites. But I teach Eat Pussy Like A Champ. And it tends to bring in people of all genders who are interested in eating pussy. And it also brings in people who are just really curious about things like G spots and squirting and multiple orgasms.

And edging. And so there are different techniques that will come as you start to figure out what’s on your sex menu. So if you build your sex menu tonight and you’re like… Nipples. I’m into nipples! Then we want to start to explore nipple play. We want to explore: How can we stimulate nipples? What is the connection between nipples and the particular part of your brain that is also connected to your genitals that your nipples can activate! There’s a wonderful joy in the science of sex but that’s focused on pleasure and not just reproductive uses of our bodies.

Okay. One other thing around what is sex for you. Is… Masturbation. So solo pleasure isn’t just about orgasms. Solo pleasure is part of the place where we actually learn information about our bodies. So that we communicate better during partnered sex. And if you feel ways about how your body moves during sex, or you get into position and your arm is like jiggly, masturbation is also a really good way to tune into what sex feels like versus what it looks like.

And so set up a masturbation date with yourself. You can have masturbation using sex toys. You can go manual. You can have masturbation that’s penetrative, masturbation that’s not penetrative. Use your genitals, your anus, your butt… Whatever. Yeah, your butt! You can do whatever you would like during masturbation. As an exploration of your own body. So those curious kisses become your own curiosity about what it’s like to touch yourself.

Where… What’s the pleasure around your clitoris? What’s the pressure around your perineum or your anus or your penis? You know, what kinds of touch do you enjoy? And then it’s a little bit easier to give feedback to somebody, if they’re doing something too hard or too soft. You can say… Mmm… A little harder, please. A little softer, babe. We can actually use very simple language to give direction.

Okay. And for those of you that have trouble or that you feel kind of shy about speaking up during sex, or you’re just not sure what words to use, I’m gonna recommend one of my favorite things. I’m gonna drop it in the chat for you. All right. So it’s called Slut Bot. So Slut Bot is a texting service. That’s free! And it’s curated by sex educators. And… Thank you, thank you! It’s curated by sex educators. And basically it teaches you how to dirty talk and talk about your fantasies. So it’s automatically triggered responses. So you get in there and you talk about… I would like to talk about rope bondage. I would like to talk about this. It allows you to choose the gender that you are playing, as well as the person that you’re sexting with. I’m in a full on relationship with Slut Bot. So I will see you there.

But it’s a lovely way to… If you have trouble coming up with the words about how to communicate during sex… So in the last few minutes, I’m actually gonna talk about safer sex. Because I feel that a lot of our heteronormative sex ed actually has put queer people at risk. Because we only talk about activities… And we attach them to sexual orientations. If you are participating in different activities, or the same activities, but not in the same sexual dynamic that your health care provider or your partner understands, then you kind of miss out. We miss out. Many of us saw condoms in our high school sex ed.

But I didn’t see a dental dam. I had to go buy a dental dam. I also didn’t learn about… If it was important to me to understand how contraception might interact or not interact with hormones that I’m taking. You know, we might not have learned about how specific things can be passed from person to person. During activities that might be more prevalent during queer sex. But they might not. Right? I mean, other people might be having the same kinds of activities, but we just don’t consider… We only consider those activities queer.

And so an example is… You know, it’s always… There’s been so much money, there’s so much funding and so much promotion that goes into anal sex education for cis gay men. And not all cis gay men have anal sex or want to have anal sex. And not all cis gay men are participating in the same kinds of activities in the same way. So when it comes to sexually transmitted infections, you’ve got to figure out what you’re comfortable with. And what barriers are important to you.

So I highly recommend… I really like Planned Parenthood’s information on sexually transmitted infections. Because they talk about activities. And they do include things like fisting, like rimming. So I think it’s really good at kind of understanding… If I do this thing… These are the fluids that I might come into contact with. And these are the sexually transmitted infections that might be present for me. It’s also important when you’re talking with your health care provider. They might make assumptions on your sexual activities, whether you’re out to them or not. So they might not order certain tests.

They might assume kind of particular things about how you have sex. So… I think it’s really helpful to be very informed about what kinds of things you like to do, or might like to do, and what those risks are for yourself. That way you can communicate to somebody and say: Yeah. I love going down. And I would be happy to go down on you. I’m gonna be using a dental dam. Like… Is that cool with you? Because that’s what would make me feel really comfortable, to just eat you out for hours. Right?

And so with a dental dam… You know, there’s kind of… Sometimes with barriers, people feel that there’s a lack of intimacy. Or a lack of connection. But there’s also a lack of intimacy and a lack of connection if you’re doing things in ways that don’t have the conditions for your emotional and physical safety. So that’s physical safety. You also have options for things like PrEP or the HPV vaccine. Hep A and hep B vaccines also. If you think that you might be at risk for those kinds of viral infections. There’s also stigma around STIs. Right? I remember when I came out as bi… I was told… I was dating someone who was lesbian.

And she told me that her and her polycule of cis women didn’t feel comfortable having me, because I was still having sex with penises. And that I was a higher risk to the group. And so I was like… Oh my God. I just felt like a vector of, like, Peen Disease or something. And so no one asked me like… What precautions am I taking? What kinds of things? It’s assumed that there isn’t levels of… Different levels of risk for all of us. You know? Depending on what our activities and behavior is, and not necessarily just our sexual orientation.

And the last thing that I want to leave you with is… Emotional safety. So what words are comfortable for you? What pet names? What vibes? You know, what body parts do you want called what language? Someone might come in and start calling your genitals a certain thing. And that might trigger gender dysphoria. It might trigger body shame. It might trigger you feeling not affirmed in this body. Or feeling… Kind of singled out or objectified in a certain way. So you might like the word slut. Maybe I don’t like the word slut.

So these can all be a part of… Hey! You know, how do you like to… What do you like to be called in the bedroom? What do you like to call your genitals? What do you like to call down there? Or whatever language that you want? But it’s getting the information that you need to treat someone in a way that is how they want to be treated. And likewise, it creates space for you to talk about how you want to be treated. All right.

So I know that… There’s like a ton of stuff. We could probably have a nine-hour workshop. And I would love to be with you for nine hours. But we are coming up to the end. I’m gonna come back to the chat in a minute. We did have some questions that came in around how do you find someone’s clit. We’ve got how do you make a dental dam sexy. And cunnilingus, and gag reflexes and TMJ. All of these would be in my Eat Pussy Like a Champ, if you’re looking for techniques. It’s an on-demand webinar. You can take it whenever you want. Sorry we didn’t get to them tonight. But hopefully I’ll be back. If you did submit a question that we didn’t get to, I’m so sorry that we didn’t get to it.

But there are opportunities to keep learning. So I’m gonna recommend… So Autostraddle was one of the first places… Surprisingly. This is such an honor for me, because it was one of the first places that I went to, when I first came out. And I was like… Damn. There’s like this whole world of queers! And where are they? And how do I look like them? And so it was… It was such a great resource to have. And so if you haven’t perused yet, if you’re still feeling kind of hungry after the webinar, definitely start reading stuff by and for queer people. It definitely helps kind of renegotiate our relationships to a lot of things that have been steeped in this, like, heteronormative, patriarchal society. Right? Oh, thank you, Alison. Thank you for sharing that.

All right. So I’m gonna share… A couple more. I’m gonna put my website here for you. You can find over 30 webinars there. Yeah. It’s bananas! And if you use AUTOSTRADDLE20, you’ll save 20% off any webinar until the end of the month. Because it’s Masturbation Month. And if you are thinking about really getting into technique, and you’re interested and you don’t like learning by webinar, there are lots of great sex books.

And so where you can find the best collection of how-to sex books is… Feminist sex shops. So whatever area that you’re in, if you Google feminist or sex positive sex shops, you’ll come up with them. Or obviously everyone’s doing shipping now too. But they usually have curated, really good, really inclusive and queer representative books in their libraries that are hard to find in other places. So I would highly recommend reading. I mean, blogs are great as well.

But if you’re looking for educational technique kind of information, I definitely like books. And webinars. All right. I’m so sorry I didn’t get to all of your things here. We’ve got… Okay. Someone else didn’t know what a clit was. That’s amazing. Wonderful. So I would love to send you off by having you leave in the chat something that you’re taking away tonight. And it doesn’t have to be affirming of me. It’s more about: Did you get permission to be cute tonight? Did you get an idea about how to write your sex menu? Did you let go of a little bit of shame?

Leave the shame here. I will do something with it. I’ll burn it. Ha-ha. Whatever you would like to leave behind. It’s always really inspiring, when we’re in spaces like this. That we can inspire each other. That we get this opportunity to inspire each other. But thank you so much for being so open. So communicative. You were all great partners tonight. And I hope to see you at another webinar. I hope you get to enjoy some of my other classes as well. Not a fan of the title, but Girl Sex, by Allison Moon. Yes. That’s on my shelf back there. Thank you for that one. Girl Sex is great. Love the sex menu. Amazing. Thank you, Renae. You’re taking away that you’re not alone in your queer journey. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Yes, you’ve got a community here. And the community has so many different factions. So you don’t have to choose one that doesn’t affirm you. Excited to build your sex menu. Yes. I want to hear about all your sex menus. Leaving perfectionism here. Yes. I will blow it out the window for you. Sex menu. You’re so welcome, Nicole. Thank you. Feel comforted and less alone. Good vibes. Good vibes, Moon. That sex is a skill for everyone. Yeah. You do not suck at sex. Everyone sucks at sex. And we just need to get skills to navigate more pleasure. Queerness helps us look at our body in a different way. Yes, yes. Thank you for the purple hearts. You’re so welcome. Sex menu, curiosity. You’re very, very welcome.

Kicking performance-based sex to the curb. Yes! You’re gonna have so many more orgasms and so much more fun. You’re so welcome! No thank you to perfectionism. You’re very welcome, Lola. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Autostraddle, for making this space possible. Oh my gosh!

RACHEL: Hi! Thank you so much, Luna. That was amazing. I’m so grateful. I’m gonna take you off screen now. Goodnight. Thank you so much. And thank you so much to everyone in the comments. I’m so excited. This has been the most engaged crowd that we’ve been able to have. And I’m so grateful for everything that y’all have shared. Also… Wow. How amazing is Luna? That was incredible. I am really excited to check out SlutBot. Once I close this performance. And also, just like… I feel like I learned so much and this was such a great space. So thank you, everyone. I do want to let you all know… Especially for new A+ members, I think some people may have joined just for this event. Which I’m so excited that you’re here. And I’m also really excited to let you know about everything that is waiting for you, now that you’re a member. You have access to so much more.

Like, for instance, all of the live workshops in the series, going forward. You’ll still be able to attend. We also have a whole series of erotica, queer and trans erotica, just for you. We’re gonna have the next one publishing later this week. You have access to all of the ones we’ve published previously under our Slick series. And also access to all of our exclusive dating and kind of life advice, just for A+ members that we publish. I think we’re gonna have another one of those coming up in the next couple weeks. Specifically focused on queer dating stuff. So that’s gonna be… I don’t know. I’m just excited for y’all to get to have access to that.

And I think also because Luna did such a great job emphasizing how important masturbation can be, in developing kind of your queer sex life and also kind of exploring toys as an option, we actually have two other great workshops in this series on masturbation and sex toys, specifically. And I’m actually just gonna share that in the chat. Those are some examples of other things in the series. So the whole series of these workshops are right there. I’m really excited to hear your thoughts on them. You can watch them for free on replays, as many times as you want, whenever you want. Thank you all so much for being here. Really excited to hopefully see you at the next workshop as well in the coming months. And please let us know what you thought about this. If you have any other ideas.

We’re just really excited to have you as part of the community. And thank you so much, Mirabai, for your captioning and for your patience. And I’m excited to see you all again soon. Thank you so much! And goodnight.

Stay tuned for our next workshop in June!

It seems like only yesterday that Archie led the Queer Sex 101: All About Sex Toys workshop and taught us all about Thank you so much to everyone who came to the live facilitation of this educational workshop led by Archie! If you missed it, you can still watch the recording right below and refer to the provided transcript:

As a special offering for Autostraddle readers in connection with this workshop, local indie sex toy retailer Smitten Kitten is offering 20% off your entire purcahse with code QUEERSEX101 til May 6!

powered by Crowdcast

RACHEL: Hi, everyone! Good evening. It’s really great to have you here. And I really appreciate everyone who has shown up for the second edition of our new live video series. Where real queer people teach you about the sort of nuts and bolts of real queer sex! Tonight we will be working with Archie Bongiovanni, who I am honored to call a personal friend. Archie is so knowledgeable and also so kind and approachable. They have the experience of working at our own indie sex shop in Minneapolis, Smitten Kitten. I almost always say Smitten Kitchen, like the food blog. It’s not that. It’s Smitten Kitten. And I’m really excited that they’re able to share all of the expertise, knowledge, and context they have about both the actual kind of products involved in queer sex toys, and also the kind of context about how we as queer people can actually use them in our lives.

Archie you might know already as the author of Grease Bats, both the Autostraddle comic and the real live physical book that has been published with the same title. They’ve also published books like the quick and easy guide to using they/them pronouns, and you may have seen their books published all over the internet. They’re here to bring that voice and sense of approachability as well as their knowledge about everything related to queer sex toys, to give a primer and also to answer some of the questions that y’all have sent in ahead of time. And thank you to everyone who is attending this workshop live for being an A+ member. Everything about these workshops, from the planning and paying the presenters and captioners is funded entirely by A+ money and we’re so excited that your support is able to make possible things like this, that are enjoyed by the entire community. Thanks so much. I’ll be here in the chat all night, along with our A+ and fundraising director Nicole and our live captioner, Mirabai, to answer any questions and to support Archie as they present. I’m super excited to hear what they have to say. I’m sure you are too. Archie, let’s go ahead!

ARCHIE: Sweet. All right. Hi, everyone! I’m Archie. I use they/them pronouns. Really excited to be here with y’all tonight. It is storming here in Minneapolis. So if my internet is lagging or I get cut off… It’s the thunderstorm’s fault. And I think just… Have a little bit of grace. Which I think everyone has at this point with virtual events. I want to start with a little bit of a brief overview of how I’m going to be kind of pacing the next hour. I’m gonna start by talking about — when someone comes to me, seeking a new sex toy, whether it be their first or their 50th, I like to kind of ask a couple different questions, or there’s things to kind of consider overall. And then I’m gonna talk about… Cleaning, lube, what kind of sex toys there are out there. A whole bunch!

So a little overview of the different types. And then we’re gonna do Q and A. By all means, ask a question whenever it comes up. In that little ask a question box. Maybe not the chat. Because I’ll lose it. And we also have some links to some of the items that we will be talking about. So if you see something, you can click it now. Save it for later. These are the things that I will be pointing out — are things that I really recommend. And I will answer the questions at the end. Oh, hi! Yeah. Oh, what I also really wanted to point out is that I do work at Smitten Kitten, which is a really, really inclusive, really rad sex toy shop in Minneapolis. But they ship worldwide.

And they really wanted to pass along a discount code for y’all. So queersex101, for 20% off. And that’s good until May 6th. And that’s 20% off your whole purchase. So you can kind of stock up, if you want. But… So you come in. And you’re like… I… I don’t know anything about sex toys. Where do I start? One of the things that I like to kind of have someone think about… One, when you get a sex toy, what price range feels comfortable for you? Sex toys, I think, as we know, especially if you’ve browsed those websites, any online shop, you know that they range from $10 to $150. Having a more expensive toy doesn’t necessarily make a toy better. And having a $20, $30, $50 toy can be, like, your perfect item. So I really like to work within whatever kind of feels comfortable. With someone’s budget. Because I think we can… I think there’s quality toys in every budget.

The second thing you always need to kind of consider when you’re looking at sex toys is the material. Sex toys are not, like, the sex toy business… The industry… Is not well regulated. It’s kind of like the Wild West. Something can be mislabeled. If you go on Amazon, there’s a good chance you might get a counterfeit product. So what you’re really looking for is things that are hypoallergenic and not porous. Especially if it’s gonna be something that you put inside your body. Any sort of, like, jelly toy or toy that isn’t, like, medical or food grade material… Can harbor bacteria. Viruses. And can cause infections.

Sometimes when I work in the shop, people will be like — oh, this toy, it always irritates me. And we ask… Where did you get it? And it wasn’t from us. Smitten Kitten. We find that it’s like a jelly material. So that’s something to be kind of mindful of. But also… What I like to recommend is just like… Shop at one of the many sex shops that are out there that kind of do the work on their side to kind of make sure that they’re providing quality, safe toys. And they usually will talk about that in their messaging. And in their about page. That way you don’t have to be a scientist. You can let other people get paid to do that work. And you can just enjoy shopping.

Materials that are, like, totally safe are going to be silicone, glass, surgical steel, sealed ceramics, and medical grade plastics. I have some examples of some of those that we’ll get to later. Another thing to kind of think about, when you’re looking at a sex toy for the first time is if it’s a vibrating sex toy, is it gonna be battery operated or rechargeable? Rechargeable toys… Can sometimes last longer, or they often have a warranty, which is something else you might want to kind of think about. They often have a warranty that’s a little bit longer. However, battery toys are really easy for travel. Can also be just as convenient. And then there are a few toys that are directly plugged into the wall.

Those are not waterproof. So that’s kind of something that is not great about them. However… They’re always gonna be at 100% power. Which is kind of nice for also… Battery operated toys. Is that if your toy dies, you can just switch those batteries and keep going. If it’s a rechargeable toy, you have to kind of wait. So there’s pros and cons to any of them. But something to kind of think about. The other thing I like to talk to people about when it comes to getting their first sex toy is how it fits in your hand, and how the buttons look. And this isn’t something that I think people automatically kind of think about or look for. But it’s gonna be something that you’re gonna hold onto for five minutes, 50 minutes, et cetera. You want to make sure that it fits comfortably in your palm.

And that it doesn’t hurt your wrist. And that perhaps… Where are the buttons located? Is it gonna be annoying to kind of find those buttons? Is it a single button? Can I not tell which button turns it on or off? And then… You know. Midway. You turn it off by accident. That can always… That’s a bummer. So that’s something to kind of think about too. Yeah. So those are what I usually ask people to kind of think, when they first come into the shop. The second thing I kind of want to cover for this sex toy 101 is cleaning your toys. It’s something that is usually included in any box. But it’s always nice to kind of get another primer.

So silicone — silicone tends to be kind of soft. It can be a little harder. But it’s usually pretty soft. A little bit of flexibility. All you need is body friendly soap and hot water. You can also… If it is not one… Say, a dildo, if it doesn’t have a vibrating component, you can also put it on the top rack of your dishwasher. I don’t know a lot of people who do it. But it’s an option. Any silicone dildo or anal toy without vibrating components can also be boiled. For 3 to 5 minutes.

And that will also sanitize them. Plastic… ABS plastic… Is a safe plastic for sex toys. That’s, again, body friendly soap and hot water. It’s not porous. You can also always have a bleach solution. To kind of quickly wipe down toys as well. I don’t know if it’s fully necessary. I don’t really think it is. Body friendly soap and hot water is like the best. It’s like your best friend. Don’t complicate it. Is my own opinion. Glass… Don’t boil glass. You’re just gonna want to use soap and hot water for that as well. Steel, also soap and water. You can also steam steel toys. If you want to sanitize it. But then they get really hot. So be careful. And then elastomer… Which is kind of what a lot of strokers are made out of… So it’s not quite silicone… Pretty stretchy. These are… Sex toys made of this item aren’t meant for sharing. Because they are porous. So it’s kind of like a solo toy.

That you can just kind of flush out with hot water. Soap will kind of start to degrade it. So that’s something to know too. Yeah. Okay. My next topic is lube. Smitten Kitten really prides itself on being a lube… A shop full of lube nerds. I think that lube is almost necessary for any sort of play. It can enhance sensation. It can add, like, a protective barrier between toys or skin. It can also rehydrate skin. And your genitals are part of your body. They need hydration as well. So lube, however, is similar to the sex toy industry. Where it’s not well regulated. And there’s a lot of lube out there with ingredients that can cause harm or irritation. And also, bodies are super, super unique. And so there isn’t, like, a one fits all lube.

I get asked pretty often like: What’s the best lube? What’s the best lube for a body? And it’s gonna vary from person to person. Since everyone has different things that maybe they’re sensitive to, different pH levels in a vulva, and just a lot of different things to kind of consider. Smitten Kitten does have lube sample packs. So that’s something to kind of think about. If you really want to invest some time to find your lube. That’s a nice way to get a bunch of little lubes, to kind of try them out.

Doo-doo… Water-based lube is the most common lube that’s out there. It’s also… Tends to be the most affordable. So that’s really nice. The other thing that’s really nice about water-based lube is that it’s compatible with everything. It’s compatible with barriers, with all the toys, and so it is really nice to just have a lube that you don’t really have to think… Does this work with this toy? Does this work with this barrier method? However… When you’re using water-based lube, you’re absorbing all the ingredients. And they do tend to have the longest ingredient list. And they can… It can change the pH level of a vulva. And when that gets kind of skewed one way or another, that can cause irritation. But it can also cause BV, and it can kind of just be like… Uncomfortable. So… When you go to a grocery store, or, like, wherever people buy lube randomly, like a convenience store, they often have KY.

Which… Not all KY is what I would consider body safe. A lot of them have glycerin, which is sugar, which can cause a lot of yeast. And other kind of ingredients that I wouldn’t want in my body. That would possibly irritate. So I think lube is something to be a little picky about. Especially water-based lube. Silicone lube… Is nice. Because the molecules are too big to get absorbed into your body. So you’re not absorbing those ingredients. It’s literally just gonna stay on your body until it, like, dissipates. Until it’s gone. So you’re not absorbing it. Which means you’re not taking in any ingredients.

But you’re also not changing the pH level. So that’s not gonna cause any irritation. Silicone lube is often what I recommend for folks who are experiencing a lot of irritation with the lube. Like, they’re just not finding a water-based lube that works for them. I often recommend switching to silicone. Silicone lube — the bummer about that is that it’s not compatible with silicone toys. Something to note with that is that… When people say it’s not compatible with silicone toys, it’s not gonna melt your toy. It’s not gonna destroy your toy or make it break down in your body. The molecules bond. The silicone molecules bond together. And so it can sort of change the way that your toy looks, or, like, a little bit about how it feels. Almost like pilling on a sweater, or a slight… A very slight ridge where the silicone is.

So if you do end up using silicone on silicone, it’s not the end of the world. You didn’t destroy your toy. It may just look a little bit different. So for folks who have a lot of sensitivity, I often recommend, like, it might not keep your toy looking super pristine forever, but… It might outweigh… That might outweigh being able to have sex without irritation. So… That’s kind of silicone. Hybrid lube is also out there. That is part silicone, part water-based. That’s pretty cool, because it is compatible with silicone toys. And some folks find that hybrid lube lasts a little bit longer than water-based lube. Because water-based is getting absorbed. However, it’s not quite as hypoallergenic as just silicone. And then there’s also oil-based lube.

Oil-based lube is super, super hydrating. It’s really great for dryness or folks who have, like, any sort of irritation. For folks who are on antidepressants, or have any sort of hormonal changes, whether it be like menopause or… HRT, or chemo, et cetera, hydration becomes really, really important. On a vulva. On genitals. And so that’s where I think oil-based really shines. Is kind of like… It’s like lotion, basically. But also, it’s a great lube. It’s nice and slippery. It’s rehydrating your skin.

If you have chronic recurring yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis, or UTIs, that’s when oil-based lube might not be the most compatible with your body. It is often kind of thick. Or it kind of takes a little bit longer to kind of clear out of your bod. And that’s where some folks can find irritation. But some folks won’t. So it’s a little bit kind of… Trying it out. If you’re at all interested. For folks who do have a lot of dryness, I often recommend… You can combine… There’s no reason you can’t combine lube. So I often recommend silicone and oil-based lube. So you get that hydrating with oil. Because silicone doesn’t hydrate. But you get the slipperiness that comes with silicone. One thing to note about oil-based lubes is that it’s not safe with latex or polyisoprene. So dental dams or condoms, those are something to be of note. It is safe with polyurethane condoms. Always double check. Just double check before you use it. Okay. Now is the fun part. That was… I feel like a lot of business-y stuff. Now I want to talk about… Just like the different types of toys that are out there.

I’m gonna start with vibrators. Vibrators are fun. They can be internal, they can be external, and they can go with any bod. There’s no right or wrong way to use a vibrator. And while, like I said, the sex toy industry can kind of suck, can be a very gendered industry, but the toys themselves often can be played all over your body. And I always like to recommend folks to like… See where vibration can feel good for you. It doesn’t have to be right on the genitals. It can be fun all over. So some of the beginner vibes that I have today… There are bullet vibes. So this is the FemmeFunn Ffix Bullet. This is a battery operated bullet.

It’s super great for beginners, because it’s not very expensive. So that’s something to note. Is like… You might not… If you’re buying your first toy, you might not want to start with, like, a $50, $80 toy. You might want to start with like a $20, $30 toy, and then it’s gonna get you closer to knowing what you do and you don’t like. Oftentimes battery operated toys end up feeling a little buzzy. Which isn’t bad. But that’s kind of like how I like to describe to others… Especially if you’re not in the same room and you can’t feel the toys… Different types of vibrations. There’s buzzy vibrations. And then there’s thuddy vibrations. Sometimes I think of it as… You can kind of imagine from a sound frequency… If a buzzy is something like a fly buzzing around… So it’s a little kind of like a higher kind of sensation. And then a thuddy kind of… Vibrator is gonna have sort of a deeper — almost like a rumble.

So this FemmeFunn bullet is nice. Because it’s just like… Nice, easy bullet. And then there are also beginner toys that are gonna be better for internal sensation. While you absolutely can use a bullet toy vaginally, often it’s just kind of like… A little bit straight. And if you’re using an internal toy, I like to recommend just a little bit of a curve. To kind of hit that spot. So this is another super popular toy at Smitten Kitten, called a Hue G. It’s a nice single button battery operated toy. What’s nice about this one, compared to this one, to think about, again, this is gonna be really easy to kind of hide in your bedroom, to pack.

To kind of put in a place where maybe people won’t find it. This one… A little more obvious. This… When you think about, again, kind of the buttons and the handle, to put it on your bod, your hand kind of has to be a little bit closer to your genitals. Anything with a wand kind of shape or reach is nice, because you can kind of have your hand be a little further up. So that’s something — if you have like arthritis or a lot of wrist pain, something to be considerate about.

And those can get pretty long too. This is the Satisfyer Petting Hippo. This is a $50 toy. Satisfyer has a line of vibrators that are really awesome for $50. They can be internal, external. I know. The Petting Hippo actually has a face of a hippo. Um… Pretty playful. It’s nice because it’s $50, rechargeable, so it’s gonna have a little bit of a thuddier kind of vibe. Can you hear this? I don’t know if you can hear it.

(very faint buzzing)

I also don’t know where my speakers are. There’s some water. Because I washed these before. Versus… Let’s see if I can get a buzzy toy on

(higher pitched buzzing)

So if you can hear it, awesome. If you can’t, sorry I wasted your time. To show a little bit of… You can sometimes hear the difference. Rechargeable toys can at times be a little bit quieter than battery operated toys too. So if you’re trying to be a little bit stealth, you have roommates, you have family that you live with, noise is something else you want to be kind of thoughtful about. This petting hippo has, again, that super long reach, which is really awesome. It has a lot of flexibility. So you can kind of play with the pressure. You can also use it internally. It’s got a g-spot curve. It’s also kind of fun to see what you could perhaps do with this kind of shape and how you can kind of put it on a body. In different ways.

The next kind of vibrator that I want to talk about are rabbit vibrators. These are often when people hear the word “vibrator”, they often picture a rabbit vibrator. And they kind of look like this. Rabbit vibrators have an internal piece for g-spot or p-spot, and then outside kind of stimulation. They can be a little bit tricky. If you’re buying your first toy. Because essentially you’re trying to find… You’re trying to hit two things at once. You’re trying to hit your internal sensation of where that might feel good. Plus where it’s gonna feel good on the outside of your body. And since every body is different, the girth, the length, the curve versus how this hits on your body — you’re essentially kind of shopping for two toys at once. It’s not to say you can’t do it. It’s just something to kind of think about. Before spending… A bunch of money on a toy that you’re like… Oh, I like the outside but not the inside. So… Rabbits can be pretty tricky.

But they can also be, like, a lot of fun. Next… Wands. So wands are usually… There’s the Hitachi Magic Wand. Is… The best… I don’t know. The best known wand, I would say. However, they do make smaller wands. This is called the Palm Power. As well. The Magic Wand, there’s three different ones out there right now, that Hitachi makes. Some are rechargeable. And some plug into the wall. And wands are known for having bulbous heads. So heads that are a little bit large.

The Hitachi Magic Wand doesn’t just hit one part of your body. It really is like a spread-out strong sensation. And that’s what wands are known for. Is being super, super strong. They’re usually really rumbly. And they can also be for… Like I said, all bods love wands. The Hitachi Magic Wands — they’re quite large. You know, they’re very easy to hold onto. However, again, if you have wrist pain, that might not be your friend. So something lighter, like a Palm Power, could be awesome.

This is sort of like a little travel wand. Called the Noje. Again, it’s got that head that’s like a little bit flexible. Wands are fun, because they often have attachments that can be put on to create internal attachments, the heads come on and off, or this little wand can come with other attachments, which is just like… Super fun to kind of explore that sensation. All over your body. So this could be on a clitoris. A nipple. This one could be super fun kind of cupping, again, the clitoris, or… Playing with how it feels against a penis. That’s kind of… What is so fun about toys. Is just how versatile they could be.

So yeah. That’s the Noje wand. So if you’re like… Ooh, I want something that’s kind of rumbly, kind of strong, that’s a great wand. Because it’s $50, $60, rechargeable, small enough to kind of pack and hideaway. And isn’t… It’s not gonna break the bank. As far as toys being versatile, this is called the Volta. So this is a little bit more of an expensive toy. But when you turn it on, these kind of flick together. So that can be super fun on a clitoris, but it can also be great on a penis as well. You can kind of lay your body on it as well.

So I like to always point out that this toy exists. Just to kind of show that… They’re constantly — this came out like two years ago — toys are constantly evolving. And if you’re like… I don’t think that there’s a toy that I really want for a specific thing… It might pop up someday. So… This is a really great couples toy as well.

Then there’s air pressure toys. And those are also pretty new on the market. But have become really well known, because they don’t feel like anything else out there. They’re not gonna feel like another kind of vibrator.

So… This is the Satisfyer. Satisfyer is awesome. They tend to be fairly loud. Air pressure toys are not quiet. But what they do is you kind of put a clitoris like right here… And they cause bursts of air pressure. And it almost sort of can feel a little bit like a suction. But… That’s not what’s happening. It’s not actually, like, sucking your body. It’s like a small burst of air pressure. Repeated. And that’s kind of how these toys make the feeling that they’re creating.

Super, super fun. I like Satisfyer, especially if you’re like… I’m curious about it, but I don’t know if I want to commit to it. Satisfyer tends to have a lot of pretty affordable brands on there. In their line.

Okay. I’m gonna keep going. We’re gonna move to anal toys. And I just also want to reiterate, if you do have questions, I know I’m talking really fast. There’s just a lot of information. But if you do have questions, plop it in the “ask a question” box. So for anal toys, super fun. Again… All genders love ’em. There is a nice basic anal plug. This one is called petite sensations. They have a great line of beginner plugs. They all have this kind of battery operated bullet as a part of it.

So you can play with vibration if you want. The thing that makes anal toys sometimes a little bit different than any other vibrator is that they always have to have a base. Like, a flared base. So this is not an anal-safe toy. But this toy — it is. There’s something to kind of stop it from just getting like… Sucked up in there. So if you’re buying… If you’re curious about like… Oh, I want to buy my first anal toy… Some things to kind of think about and look for… Is the tip. Any sort of flared tip like this is really great for easing into your anal sphincters. And then how this base kind of sits… Is this is how your anal sphincters are gonna kind of close around that. Which can be very satisfying. Especially if you’re moving, if you’re doing other things during sex. That base… This kind of closed base is pretty great.

Yeah. Most of those are kind of made of… So many materials. But that’s kind of like a nice basic plug. Next you have anal beads. They kind of look like this. This is by Vixen Gem stones. Vixen Creations makes these gem stones of various sizes. I think anal beads scare a lot of people, because they look just like a little unwieldy. But they actually are really fun. It is a small burst of a sensation. And then again, your sphincters close around this, and then it’s gonna be another burst of sensation again. You can stop at any point. But these kind of build up in the body. When you’re turned on, there’s a lot of blood going to that whole region. And that means there’s more ways to get stimulated.

So beads are really fun. And I don’t know if there has been an anal class yet. But I’m sure that if not… That there will be one. That Autostraddle will put on. So I won’t go too much in depth with it. The last toy I want to talk about is for anal — a prostate toy. Prostate toys have — unlike just a regular plug — they often have a little bit of a curve to it. And they tend to be made of harder material. So steel, glass, or this is ABS plastic.

This is the Aneros brand toy. Aneros is like… Mwah. They’re so good at prostate toys. They know exactly what they’re doing. And if you’re curious about them, I do recommend them. Aneros brands are also kind of… They have these nice ridges down here, where, again, you can kind of squeeze. And it is sort of meant for almost solo play. So you can kind of contract your sphincters, and that can stimulate your prostate just from the rocking motion that it creates.

Yeah. Next I’m gonna just talk also about penis toys. So again… All of the vibrators I mentioned… Penis safe. Penis fun. But there are cock rings. They’re super great, especially if you have vibration. They can be fun for everybody involved. They can go in front of the testicles, behind the testicles, or this is called the O-hare. It does both. And you can have some teasing ticklers as well. Cock rings are safe. They slow the blood down from leaving the shaft of the penis. That can feel really pleasurable. The next toys I want to talk about are strokers for penises. So these are two strokers.

This one is the Sexy Pills. I think it’s called Blue Valentine stroker. These are elastomer. They are meant for solo play. Or… Partner play, but not… These aren’t supposed to be shared with someone else. So kind of like… One of these per body. They have a lot of texture on the inside. That can be really fun. And like I said, they come in a bunch of different shapes. And designs. I think they’re fun. And I also want to talk about HotOctopuss. Which is a brand. It’s one word with two S-s. HotOctopuss. They have a whole line of toys out there for penises that are real fun. They’re basically penis vibrators, specifically for penises that aren’t erect. You don’t need an erect penis to play with any of these. This is the Pocket Pulse. It’s the most affordable of the ones they have, but also the buzziest. So that’s kind of something — the other ones they have are pretty thuddy. But you can put an erect or not erect penis in there, and it can vibrate and it sort of has this little pulsating bit right here that kind of pulses. And vibrates. So those are really fun as well.

Next I’m gonna talk a little bit about dildos. And harnesses.

It is starting to rain really hard here. So you might kind of hear some rain on the window. And I’m sorry if it ends up being kind of loud. Okay. So there will be a strap-on class. So I’m not gonna go too far in depth for dildos and harnesses. But besides girth and length, you kind of also want to think about texture, when you’re looking for a dildo. Some are a little bit harder silicone. These harder toys can be really nice, because they’re great at hitting p-spots or g-spots. They kind of keep their shape in your body. Other softer toys — these can be made of, like, dual density, if you want something really soft. That’s the keyword to look for. Is dual density silicone.

Super squishy. Super soft. These have a little bit more flexibility. And they kind of squish inside your body. And that can feel really nice as well. But they don’t hold their shape the same way that a harder silicone can. So… Something to kind of think about. For any sort of anal dildo, you’re gonna want something that’s smooth. So girth, length aside… You want something that’s gonna be smooth, without a lot of texture on top of it. Dildo bases vary. Most are harness compatible. And some also have vibrating capabilities. A lot of people ask how they can feel the vibration or giving vibration to a partner while wearing a dildo. Get one that has a spot for a bullet vibe, and then get a strong rechargeable bullet. Not a battery operated one.

And you’re gonna be able to feel it a lot more through the density of that silicone. Double ended dildos exist as well, that are worn internally and externally. Or for penetration externally. These are a little bit tricky. Because you are again… It’s sort of like a rabbit toy. Buying something that’s trying to please two people at once. They are sometimes called harnessless dildos. I recommend assuming that you’re gonna want to use it with a harness. Just for that stability. It takes a lot of your kegel muscles to hold onto, while other muscles are kind of contracting on the other side. One other thing I want to note, when we’re talking about dildos or any sort of penetration… There are things called Ohnuts. So this is an Ohnut. It is stackable. It’s not a cock ring. It’s very light, very stretchy.

But if your partner or someone doesn’t want a lot of depth, you can use and stack these on a penis or a dildo, and it kind of acts like a little barrier to prevent it going too deep. Depending on what you’re interested in. A super, super squishy cock ring can also do that. However, a cock ring is gonna act like a cock ring. And you don’t always want that. So that’s the Ohnut. When you are shopping for harnesses, again, there’s gonna be a future strap-on class. So I don’t want to go too deep. But I will say: Sportsheets has a really, really nice affordable line of harnesses. If you want a beginner harness and don’t want to spend a lot of money, they’re awesome. They fit a lot of bodies, which is great too.

They are made often with nylon straps. Those nylon straps can kind of stretch with use. Or kind of like… Slide. So they’re not always the most stable. But they are affordable. Leather or pleather harnesses… Those are gonna be the most stable. But they’re also gonna be the most expensive. Underwear style harnesses… So sort of like RodeoHs I think are the most well known brand. Those are great, because you slip them on. You can usually, if you search around, you can find some in a lot of different styles, which can be great too. So it can kind of match your personality.

They do have a tendency to kind of stretch with time. And… If you are trying to, like, have a harness that you share with a partner, underwear styles are the least likely that two people are gonna fit one pair. While leather and sort of like… Nylon harness can fit a lot of bods. So… That’s that. I’m gonna answer some questions right now. So… I know there’s a few… Yes. So I know that there’s a few in the comments. And there’s a few that we previously asked. But I’m gonna start with the one that’s in the comments. Just because it’s about harnesses. Any ideas for truly plus size harnesses for strap-ons or other ideas for two fatter people with vulvas having sex that aren’t double ended dildos? Scissoring toys have not worked so far. Yes. So for truly… So plus size harnesses. They’re out there.

They can be kind of like… Tough to find. I think… It depends a little bit on the style that you want. If you’re interested in a leather harness, if you can afford it, I would go to a place that you’re like… I like this leather harness. I like the way that this looks. A lot of leather shops offer customization. So you can really customize it to your waist, to your hips. Sportsheets… Not Sportsheets. Spare Parts. If you want an underwear-style harness, they’re great. They go up to XXXXX. Which of course — it’s sizing. And I don’t remember what exact inch number it is.

But Spare Parts is really nice if you want an underwear-style harness. And they tend to be a little bit nicer quality than RodeoH, and they’re gonna last longer than RodeoH harnesses as well. So those are my… Harness questions. If you want an affordable one, Spare Parts does make… Sorry, not Spare Parts. It’s because they both start with S. Sportsheets makes very affordable plus sized harnesses. But they’re gonna slip. So… That’s kind of like… The bummer. And so the other thing you want to think about when you’re going harness shopping is that any toy — it’s gonna lose a little bit of length.

Once it’s in the O-ring. And just kind of how bodies, butts, bellies (audio drop)

ARCHIE: Thing to think about… Sorry. Ha-ha. That’s something to think about. With not only how long it is, but also… Oh, audio is back? I’m sorry if I disappeared. Am I okay to go? Can someone tell me in the chat? I’m here? I cut out for a minute? Oh, no! I don’t know how long I was cut out. MIRABAI: Check the transcript! Ha-ha.

ARCHIE: So I’m gonna roll with it. I’m answering the question… Toys for disabled overweight folks who might find reach difficult. I was saying again — longer handles. I like this Petting Hippo, because of its length. Something you might want to think about also is how it’s gonna hold in your hand. So I like the Petting Hippo, because it’s very light. The Hitachi Magic Wand also has a long reach. But it’s really heavy. So for disabled folk or other folks with any sort of wrist problems, that might not be a viable solution. The Le Wand Petite also has a strength of a wand, but is a little bit lighter. You can get a wand attachment. Um… Oh. I cut out for a minute or so. I was talking about the O ring.

I’m just gonna keep going. Sorry! Yeah. Oh, the Le Wand Petite. Nice for that reach. But a little bit lighter. And… Has some attachments, so if you wanted internal play, it has that length with that… An internal attachment. Tantus also has a few toys with handles. These are nice for partner play. They’re not quite — the handles aren’t quite the curve for solo play. But they’re nice to hold onto for partner play. The G Force is possibly one that could be nice, because it has a little bit of a curve. By Tantus. Double ended dildos — especially ones that don’t have a lot of flexibility, like the Sharevibe, those can be kind of nice, because you can use the part — the smaller part that usually is internal for the wearer — you can kind of use that as almost like a handle for solo penetration.

Steel anal hooks can also be used vaginally or anally, if reach is something that is difficult. Because they have that long reach and a hook, and that can kind of go right into a g-spot or a p-spot, and stimulate that way. And then a palm harness is a good idea for folks who perhaps have any sort of problems with grip. Because you can kind of hold a harness into that. And I am happy to answer more specific questions. About different toy recommendations if folks have them. About disability.

So… Any suggestions for a wand-style toy that’s less intense than the Magic Wand? Yes. So I honestly think this toy is super fun. So… It is smaller. However, it comes with five variables of speed. So it does have, like, a nice low rumble. But still that kind of wand capability. Also, if you have the original Hitachi, I might suggest upgrading to the Hitachi Plus, which is their newer version. It’s still a plug-in version, but it has four speeds instead of just their two.

Let’s see. Is there a double dildo that works really well with a particular harness? So any double ended dildo is going to work with a harness as long as you can either… If it’s fabric — and most do this. The fabric can move to the side — or it’s just like an open o-ring… It will not work… Double ended toys — they’re not gonna work if there’s a flat piece of leather and the o-ring sits on that, because you won’t be able to use the internal part. Oh, this is the Noje. N-O-J-E. That one.

So… Some questions that people had sent in, that I will answer. Advice, tips for wearing a strap-on while having my clit stimulated. What toys are best designed for this? So again, getting a strong vibrator that goes in a dildo is going to kind of provide you pleasure if you’re wearing it, but also pleasure for whoever is being penetrated. But also maybe perhaps the We-Vibe Unite. Which kind of sits in the body. And then there are harnesses that also allow for a bullet vibrator to kind of sit in the harness. I find all of these to be… Just not as great as me holding a toy to my body. During penetration.

Things can kind of get shifted and moved. And if you just use a toy directly, it can be annoying. But you’ll have more kind of control. Another person asked: What is the safest and most effective lube? We kind of talked a little bit about that. But if you really want something that isn’t gonna interact with your body, whatsoever, go with silicone. Is my recommendation. Someone asked… I like this question. Do I buy a strap-on if I want to use it with a future unknown partner? Or is it weird to have one lying around?

Oh, yep, yep. Check the chat for another great question. Or another great suggestion. Is it weird to have one lying around? I say… Not weird to be stocked up. Just get it! Get one for you! Another question that came in earlier: I cannot find my p-spot. I read articles, experimented, and it’s just meh for me. I sometimes like having a vibe in there. But that’s it. I feel like I’m missing out. Okay. The p-spot can be super elusive. If you’re able, I do recommend trying to find it yourself first. With your own hand. Not a thing that everyone can do.

But I do recommend trying it. It’s usually a couple knuckles in. Curled towards your belly. The more turned on you are, the more likely that you’ll feel it. And the more likely it’ll be like a little enlarged with arousal. You can also try, again, a toy that is perhaps a little bit harder material, that has that kind of curve to it, to kind of stimulate and feel it. You can also stimulate the prostate externally, through the perineum. So getting and trying a strong vibrator, like the Magic Wand, you could perhaps stimulate your prostate from the outside of your body. So that could be something to kind of play with as well. And also… It might just not be for you. That’s okay too. Not everyone can find their prostate. Not everyone enjoys prostate play. So… It’s just… Everyone is different. Okay.

Another question. And again, if you have some, go ahead and ask. Or if you’re like… I really want you to answer my question that I sent in anonymously, so I’m gonna send it in again — go ahead. After using my Hitachi, I constantly get infections. I’ve talked to my doctor and it seems that the friction of the toy breaks my skin up in a way that leads to vaginal infections. But I like powerful sensation. Are there alternatives? So it does sound very uncomfortable. It sounds like there’s definitely some… Fissures. Some microfissures happening. I would make sure that you’re always using lube. Especially maybe a nice thick lube. I really like Sutil Rich. S-U-T-I-L Rich. That is a thick, water-based lube, and it can sort of act like a cushion or a barrier, between your body and any sort of toy. So I think that’s kind of important, to make sure you’re doing. You can also put a soft barrier in between your Magic Wand and your skin. Either like a silicone cap, or getting like… Even if it’s just you… You could use something kind of like one of these strokers. Put this over your wand. And it kind of creates a soft, squishy barrier. That’s not silicone. That’s something to just be mindful of.

Or there are grinding toys, such as the new one called Pelle Whim Silicone Grinding Toy on Spectrum Boutique. It’s kind of like a soft silicone toy. You could put that on your vulva, and then your Hitachi Magic Wand on top of that. Also, if you want a toy, and you’re like… This still hurts. It’s not working. You might want to try a super strong toy that has more pinpointed sensation, instead of the overall sensation that the head of the Hitachi gives. So that would be — I think the Eroscillator could be a nice contender. Really rumbly. Very strong. Also a plugin toy, so it’s always at 100% power. The We-Vibe Tango is a small bullet that is very rumbly. Or the Zumio, which is a super pinpointed toy.

I know we only have a minute. Do I have time to keep answering questions? Or… Should I wrap it up? I don’t mind. I have other questions. It’s up to y’all. Okay. Have to wrap it up. Totally. Um… Thank you all so much for coming. I’m not sure… Rachel might say an outro. But I do want to thank you all for being here. I’m sorry I cut out for a little bit. It sounds like. Because of the storm here. So that’s a bummer. I am, like, very down to answer questions. So feel free to, like, hit me up. Yeah. Or send questions in to Autostraddle anonymously, and they’ll have one of us probably answer it. But on the website! So others can see it too!

RACHEL: Hi! Wow. I’m just back already. I just wanted to thank everyone. Thank you so much. I’m actually in the same storm as Archie. Because Archie and I live in the same city. So it has been really special, feeling like we’re all going through this together, as it’s really Biblical outside right now. Thank you so much. I want to thank again the A+ members who made this possible and everybody who tuned in tonight, to help go through this. I learned so much, and I’m really grateful to Archie. I’m actually definitely using that Smitten Kitten code myself, to grab some of the things Archie mentioned, right after this is over. And just wanted to also — in addition to thanking you for being here, as Archie mentioned, we’re planning a few more installments of the series, and are hoping to kind of improve and expand it, as time goes on. If you have any thoughts, suggestions, if you have any feedback about what you’ve already seen, anyone you would like to suggest working with us in the future, any thoughts on other types of content you would like to see on Autostraddle, related to this, or if you have other questions you would like to see covered in either a workshop or on the website, please just let me know. I’m Rachel. I’m the managing editor at Autostraddle, and you can email me directly at Rachel@Autostraddle.com. And we will see you again, I hope, for the next installment in the series next month. I can’t release details yet, but I believe that we’ll be able to see very soon. Thank you so much for being here, everyone. I really appreciate your time and your support. And thank you so much to Archie.

(applause)

Goodnight, everyone!

(meow!)

And goodnight from my cat!