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I Don’t Care What Anyone Says, Valentine’s Day Is a Superior Holiday — And I’m Single

Feature image by Jenny Dettrick via Getty Images

Let me start off by saying I’m currently single, I’ve spent most of my life single, and almost every Valentine’s Day I’m completely single. It’s important to establish this fact because most people see Valentine’s Day as a “couples holiday” or a time for gal pal spa days. It’s one of those looming holidays some people put way too much romantic pressure on, and others (myself included) see it for what it always was: an American capitalist scheme preying on consumers of rom-coms and a white-picket-fence kinds of love. Despite the dramatic title of this piece, the heteronormative reality of Valentine’s Day is not beyond me. The way we’ve built up this pressure of grand loving acts to prove worthiness and loyalty is incredible exclusionary and reductive. So why do I love it so much?

I’d like to think that with the rise of pop psychology and better mental health social media, we’ve collectively decided that the whole “I’m single on Valentine’s Day and my like sucks” trope is old news. If your feed looks anything like mine, you probably get a lot of self-care messaging. “Take a bath! Drink wine! Go on a walk! Meditate!” While these can be great practices, I find it incomplete that our take on the day of love is just a day to flood ourselves with material-based acts of self-care. I definitely don’t shame or judge these activities, as I do them, too (and very often), but when I think about why Valentine’s Day is so important to me, I find it important to distinguish between self-care and radical self love.

Loving yourself is recognizing your downfalls and places of improvement and ultimately embracing all of it. Loving yourself is equally knowing your strengths, loves, passions, and naming those as well. Radical self love involves holding all of this in one place and moving forward into the world with gratitude for it. My Valentine’s Day is taking time to celebrate all these messy parts of myself. I suppose some people might take time to do this on birthdays or New Year’s, but I’ve found that doing this in the context of a day of abundant love offers me a moment of release from all the hard work I’ve put in to love myself as I am (and it is, in fact, hard work). Cultivating radical self-love will ultimately set the stage for seeing the world with appropriately tinted rose-colored glasses.

To explain this more practically, my usual acts of radical self love include pushing against my natural instinct to see the negativity and irony in the world. Instead, I notice small, beautiful things. Therapist after therapist has told me I would benefit from showing gratitude for those tiny moments since I tend to revert to grand gestures of change as a way to spice up my life (ahem, bipolar). I couldn’t tell you when exactly I created this little ritual of atypical positivity on Valentine’s Day, but as I reflect on why exactly I love this holiday so much, it really comes down to how I wake up determined to make a little magic for the people around me. As a queer person of color, the reality is that I mentally and emotionally cannot do this every single day of the year. I spend most days of the year fighting hard to create healthy emotional habits and keep myself emotionally and physically stable. This one particular day in February is like a graduation party for the work I’ve put into being the healthy, happy, stable human I long to be.

The little moments of joy and magic I wake up and dedicate my day to have all been a little different. On one Valentine’s Day in college, I decided I was going to smile and make conversation with every person that crossed my path. This turned my whole day into an adventure that included receiving a small gift from an unhoused friend I often saw on my walks and a free pastry at my favorite little French cafe down the street. A different Valentine’s Day a few years later, I randomly got a free makeover and photoshoot from a professional company while ordering a coffee at a local shop in Arizona. On Valentine’s Day in 2020, I went on a first date and, after the date, went to a party where I met the person I would continue to date for all the rest of the year (and, at the time, thought was the love of my life). While there’s always some luck and chance in moments like these, I want to believe I received these little surprises from the universe because I decided to focus my energy into giving out small, loving surprises.

Valentine’s Day is the day I get to see the universe’s magic in tangible moments between humans, and most of the time, humans who aren’t in any kind of romantic of sexual relationship with one another! I think there’s something really special to a ritual of radical self love in that it somehow always ripples out to the people around us. I invite you to join me tomorrow, taking a day to love yourself and generate more love in the world then you typically would. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Your Zodiac Sign as a Creepy Vintage Valentine’s Day Card

Fun fact: My great grandfather and great grandmother owned a card shop in Buffalo, NY. He was a poet, a dreamer, kind of a schemer (family lore said he made money during the Great Depression by buying day-old cakes from bakeries and then re-frosting them and selling them at a markup). My great grandmother was the shrewd one and forever telling him to copyright the poems he wrote for the cards, but he never did. My grandmother, who worked in the shop after she married my grandfather, would find some of his poems in contemporary Hallmark cards on occasion, living on behind someone else’s design. His cards were gorgeous. Think, a dove with paper feathers cut out and layered, the work done with a knife so delicate that the paper feathers felt soft to the touch. It really was a different time.

Speaking of different times, my grandmother ALSO used to say that every Valentine’s Day, each man who came into the shop would buy two gifts, “one for his wife and one for his sweetheart.” Truly love her use of the word “sweetheart” here. It’s very of the time. She’s also a Sagittarius, so she never let anyone tell her what to do and generally seemed unbothered by what most other people did or thought. She also once told me when I was four and we were sitting in her backyard and she was rocking me back and forth in the hammock, “a very wise man once said, ‘Hell is other people'” — and she would be right. Hell is also these creepy-ass Valentine’s Day cards. These are not my great grandfather’s cards, but what they ARE is an encapsulation of your energy based on your zodiac sign. Happy Valentine’s Day, you weirdo. No returns.

What Creepy Vintage Valentine’s Day Card Best Represents Your Zodiac Sign?

Aries

a vintage valentine with a nefarious looking clown child on it sticking out its tongue and holding an apple for no reason. message of love.

I feel like most days I can tolerate an Aries but not this one, not today. If this card came out today rightwing Youtubers would be calling it out for its Satanic imagery but in this case they would actually be onto something.

Taurus

a wide eyed disturbingly soulless looking child dressed as a butcher stares at you while slicing through a giant meat log. the words say "slicing baloney is not my line. i love you my valentine."

What does this even mean? I know Taurians love food, but I feel like that specific bologna right there is human meat. Normally Trader Joe’s isn’t like this!

Gemini

two anthropomorphized eggs fry in a cast iron pan while holding hands. text reads "maybe i'm just "small fry" but i'm a good egg with a heart of gold. be my valentine.

These eggs are gay, and so are you. They are also going to die.

Cancer

a superhero character of sorts blasts some kind of rays at a woman who is hiding behind a wall, blasting open a hole in the wall. she looks angry. text reeds "you built a wall so fast and strong but with my magic ray it won't last long!"

I don’t think she wants to talk to that person. In this image, the person who is trying to enjoy life behind their walls is the Cancer. Vade in pacem!

Leo

a very cutesy blonde looking pirate type with a heart on their pirate hat holds out a sword. text reads "let me take a stab at being your valentine"

There is no soul in those eyes, but there sure as heck is a point to that sword. Don’t be fooled by how cute a Leo is or by a certain lust you might have for gay and genderqueer pirates, their tongues will CUT YOU.

Virgo

a femme person wearing a scarf and knit cap with skis slung over her shoulder glares at the reader with heavily lashed eyes. in a heart, text reads "just wait till i start, i;mn going to ski right into your heart. you're mine."

There’s a decisiveness here that oozes Virgo, as well as a direct and unapologetic horniness that is also…very Virgo. Also, I can see a Virgo not even needing a sword to threaten. They could threaten you with skis. They could.

Libra

a semi realistic painting of a child shows it with its head cocked severely to the right, wearing a beret, giant neck bow, no shirt, suspenders, and little shorts and white sneakers. a palette in their hand oozes read and read blood like color pools at their feet where a red tube of paint is squeezing out.

Always. Always. Always compliment a Libra’s outfit. You don’t want to find out what happens if you forget.

Scorpio

a ghost with severe blue shadows around its eyes holds up its ghostly hands in a threatening manner. text reads on background hearts "don't scare me. be my valentine"

This Scorpio has never been scared a day in their life. They also look like they’ve been up for three days pounding Red Bulls and Kratom.

Sagittarius

a mouse dressed in shorts, a striped shirt, and a collared jacket with a giant bow screams as its leg is trapped in a mousetrap. text on a heart in the background reads "snap out of it and be my valentine"

The implication here is that the message on this card is being voiced by someone just off-page, watching their “Valentine” struggle in this moustrap. At least the outfit is dapper.

Capricorn

a blonde child in a plaid shacket holds an axe and stairs at the viewer with parted red lips and eyes that are too far apart. on hearts it reads "i'm axin you to be my valentine" there is also a stump

Capricorns love puns. We all love that one queer who chops wood on TikTok. I personally love that shacket she’s wearing right here and it looks great with the lipstick but at the same time I am seriously regretting going on a remote getaway in the woods with someone I’ve only been queer dating for like two weeks. It seemed so sexy! I loved that she planned it all out! But now I am suspecting there are some other plans happening here.

Aquarius

in this creepy image a giant cat licks a naked baby figure in a saucer. a heart with text on it reads "to me valentine" the saucer reads "you're all wet but i love you" and the baby looks stressed and the cat devious with large green eyes and a huge pink tongue.

Ah yes, the menacing water bearer. The energy of this one. There’s a lot to process.

Pisces

a blonde girl in a blue dress with a peter pan collar is being cooked in a giant cauldron. really excessive flames lick up from a pile of wood at the base. the cauldron says "you're sweet enough to eat my valentine."

I feel like a Pisces can actively look you in the eye and say they are doing one thing while doing something completely different, like boiling you alive.

Bonus:

Queers with Knives

a lad in a sailor outfit has one foot on a giant pocket knife and is pulling out the smaller blade with both hands while the larger one is already pulled out and gleaming. text on a heart background reads "you were just cut out to be my valentine. see the point?"

a kid in collared shirt and short and plaid hat holds a giant butter knife as tall as they are. text on a heart in the background reads "i'm on edge to cut in on your heart"

I am in no way comforted by the way they keep talking about “leave no trace.”

9 Sensual Gifts You Can Get for Your Own Damn Self This Valentine’s Day

I get it — Valentine’s Day isn’t for everyone. From the commercialism to the hyper-focus on straight, monogamous relationships, there are plenty of reasons why this holiday rubs some of us the wrong way. But like I said last year, I believe in seizing every opportunity to enjoy life a little more — especially in February — and so, by the power vested in me as Autostraddle’s Sex & Dating Editor, I hereby grant you permission to get yourself a little V-Day treat, whether you’re “officially” celebrating this day or not.

Here are nine, sensual gifts you can get for your own damn self this year. While these gifts suit a variety of budgets, they all feel at least a little fancy.

Against a white and pink heart-covered background, there is a stack of three square boxes that are hot pink. In yellow text, the top box reads, "Smokes Albacore Tuna, Fishwife." In the center, there is an image of a woman wearing a ship on her head and smoking a pipe against a green background.

An Array of Tinned Fish from Fishwife (prices vary)

Last year Kayla delivered a critical message: It’s time to get into tinned fish. And you don’t have to save your fancy tinned fish for a date night! You deserve an elaborate spread while you watch Homeward Bound by yourself in your sweat pants. If you’re an A+ Member, you get access to Autostraddle’s A+ Marketplace, which gets you 15% off your Fishwife order.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, there are orange briefs covered in a cactus print in the upper left corner of the image. In the bottom right corner, there are light blue boxer briefs covered in pizza print.

Underwear (prices vary)

Give your ass something nice to sit on. Personally, I’m a fan of MeUndies — they make ridiculously soft underwear in a variety of styles and prints (check out this Black Panther print, this pie print, or this inspiring “FUCK IT” print — sizes range from XS to 4XL). Are you more of a lingerie person? Check out Dani’s shopping guide for plus size lingerie. At the very least, replace your hole-iest pair of undies with a new pair from whatever brand suits your budget and your booty’s needs.

Against a white and pink heart-covered background, there is a purple wedge pillow with a pink dildo mounted in the top pocked and a Magic Wand vibrator mounted in the pocket on the left side.

Tula Toy Mount ($100)

Single folks deserve to ride and grind hands-free, too! Each pocket on the Tula toy mount can hold a dildo or vibrator. You can also use the mount on its own as a positioning pillow during sex or solo play. Oh, and in case you get really, um, “jazzed” about your hands-free humping, don’t worry — the zip-off cover is moisture resistant and machine washable. If your budget won’t allow you to drop $100 on a toy mount, gift yourself a suction cup dildo (like this $27 option) instead.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, there is a brown glass jar with an image of a white marijuana leaf. Text on the jar reads, "Foria, Wellness Bath Salts with CBD and Lavender." The white salts with small dark flecks are exploding out from the top of the jar.

Foria Sensual Bath Salts ($38)

This Valentine’s Day, take some time to unwind. Upgrade your bath routine and try out Foria’s bath salts, which are infused with organically-grown kava, lavender, calendula, ginger, and 200mg of broad-spectrum CBD. For a budget-friendly option, snag some Dr. Teal’s Epsom Salt for $5.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, there is a brown, open box containing eight, nut-covered chocolate truffles. The lid of the box is propped up in the background. Text on the box reads, "Queer Chocolatier."

Truffles from the Queer Chocolatier (prices vary)

If you don’t have a partner who’s going to buy you chocolate (or if you do have a partner and they’re not buying you enough chocolate), get yourself some truffles from the Queer Chocolatier — that way, you can fulfill your craving while supporting a queer-owned business. The company’s brick-and-mortar store is located in Muncie, Indiana, but they can also ship their truffles, drinking chocolate, and chocolate bars anywhere in the US.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, there is a book featuring the upper bodies of two, nude women kissing in a shower. The title of the book is "Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year, Volume 6." Text on the bottom of the book reads, "Edited by Sinclair Sexsmith." On the right, there is an image of a cell phone. On the screen, there is a purple and black cartoon image of a woman looking out a window. Below the image, text reads, "Through the Window." A media player on the bottom of the screen suggests that audio is playing.

Erotica (prices vary)

Warm up this winter with some erotic fiction, like Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year, Volume 6 ($18.95). If you’re more of an audio erotica person, subscribe to Dipsea for $12.99/month and hear sexy stories read aloud by queer babes like E.R. Fightmaster. And for as little as $4/month, you can subscribe to A+ and get access to Autostraddle’s S L I C K erotica series, along with other perks.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, there is a terracotta-colored candle shaped like the torso of a fat person with a round belly, curvy thighs, and large breasts.

CTOAN’s “Angel” Candle ($29)

I included CTOAN’s booty candle in a holiday shopping guide last year. This time, I’m highlighting the queer-owned, Black-owned company’s oh-so-sexy “Angel” candle, which comes in four different colors and four different scents (there’s also a fragrance-free option). Light it, watch it melt, and drool.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, a Black woman with her hair up lies on her stomach her elbows bent and her face against her hands. She is shirtless. The hands of a white woman extend from the left side of the image and massage the Black woman's back.

A Massage (prices vary)

Wouldn’t it be nice your shoulders didn’t feel like lumpy cement? Even if you have a partner who’s willing to rub your back, you deserve a massage from a professional (unless, of course, you happen to date a massage therapist, in which case — congrats! You’ve won). If a professional massage is out of your price range, trade neck rubs with a friend.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, their is a light blue silicone grinding toy shaped like a rose.

The Rosae Rose Grinder ($58)

Buy yourself a different kind of rose this Valentine’s Day. This silicone toy offers a unique texture for solo grinding, and you can also pass it off as a “decoration” on your bedside table. If you prefer butt stuff or if you’re on a tighter budget, try this Booty Blossom Butt Plug ($28) instead.

Against a white and pink background covered in hearts, there is a short glass containing a pink beverage. It's garnished with rosemary and a slice of grapefruit.

A Fancy Beverage (prices vary)

I don’t know which flavors you prefer, so rather than recommend a specific product, I’m just going to suggest that you get yourself a bottled or canned beverage that feels “fancy” to you (like your favorite kombucha or a CBD soda or maybe just a La Croix) or pick up some ingredients for a perfect hot chocolate, latte, mocktail, or cocktail. At the very least, sprinkle a little cinnamon in your morning coffee. You deserve some extra flavor in your day.

Are you planning to be your own valentine this year? How are you going to show yourself some love? Tell us about it in the comments!

How To Make Valentine’s Day Cards for Your Friends

Feature image by Anna Kurzaeva via Getty Images

It’s my favorite month! The month of love! It’s like Ashton Kutcher says in Valentine’s Day: Why can’t we make every day Valentine’s Day and leave only one day for hate and negativity? While the logistics of that actually scare me a bit, I think he makes an excellent point. I’ve been trying to work on showing more gratitude and appreciation for the people in my life on a regular basis. Just the other day, I told a friend “thanks for not giving up on me,” and I think that’s the goal with creating little love messages for your friends: We’ve been through shit, and sometimes we need to thank the people who got us through it.

This Valentine’s Day, consider sending your BFFs one (or all) of the following vessels of love.

DIY Valentine’s

Valentine DIY supplies, including red heart cutouts, a glue gun, scissors, a pencil, ribbon, and a box

nastya_ph via Getty Images

Remember in second grade when you spent an hour cutting up red and pink paper and gluing shiny things to it so your teacher could hang them up for the week? Or maybe in fourth grade when you were required to come in with little cardboard Valentines Day cards for everyone in the class? Let’s bring this back (but only for people we actually like)!

This particular expression of appreciation isn’t so much about the message as it is about the craft. You don’t need to be a DIY expert or even that creative. The end product should give 1st grade school project. Grab some colored paper, glue sticks, glitter, or anything that feels like love to you, and stick it all together! You could go for the classic heart cutout, or if you want to get really crafty you could print out a picture of the two of you to tape on with a bunch of fun stickers.

Pros: It’s nostalgic and heartfelt
Cons: It requires physical supplies and at least a few days of prep work

Card-Printing Services

A printed red Valentine in a pink envelope with small hearts emanating from it

Anna Kurzaeva via Getty Images

We’re talking places like Tinyprints, Shutterfly, or even Canva. Because these platforms have made basic graphic design super accessible, your creative options are endless. You can choose pre-made Valentine’s designs or make your own. You can upload personal photos to add to pre-made designs, too. Ideally, you would want to create a card you could send out in bulk (so, not super personalized). Since one of my resolutions is to become the friend I want to be (the helper, not the one always in survival mode), I opted for the Canva card this year. I don’t want to share too much detail since they are on their way to my friends’ mailboxes now, but I included a fun photo of me with the phrase “YOU’RE A BAD$$. Never forget how much you are loved!”

Pros: It’s creative and heartfelt
Cons: It can get expensive and will require planning in advance

Virtual Valentine’s

Hands holding a pixelated heart

Malte Mueller via Getty Images

I feel like I’ve only ever received these from distant family members or semi-questionable bosses, but I think it’s time we reclaim them! Jib Jab, Renderforest, and Smilebox are a few of the sites that come to mind, but you can find them everywhere nowadays. Each site will pretty much walk you through how to create one of their cards, so all you’ll really need are the photos you want to use (close-up photos are the best) and your friends’ email addresses. The mood of these cards is typically energetic and over-the-top, so goofy pictures are encouraged!

Pros: There is practically no prep time involved and it’s typically free
Cons: People will know that you spent practically no time on it

A Good, ‘Ol Fashioned Email

Digital illustration of woman's hands tying on a computer keyboard with candy heart keys.

Juj Winn via Getty Images

I came up with this in college. It’s not that it’s any revolutionary idea, but for a broke student with no time it seemed pretty inventive: all the love, none of the investment. Instead of a flashy email with moving pictures and audio, this is a straightforward, deeper version of a “thinking of you” text, which I guess is the modern version of an Anne Lister diary entry/love letter.

The typical outline I use consists of: setting up the context with a little explanation (this is a love letter to you, my friend), an overview of all we’ve been through over the past year or so, a genuine list of qualities you love about them, and a note of gratitude. The more specific and descriptive, the better! It could take you 10 minutes or an hour, but the easy part is sending the email straightaway.

Pros: It’s free and allows you a lot of space for all your feelings
Cons: Not as flashy and can visibly come of a little like a business memo

No matter what avenue you choose, remember the one thing these all have in common: love. As long as your thoughtfulness shines through, you’ve done it right. Now go spread the love!

Playlist: Love Songs Gifted By Exes

Feature image by simon2579 via Getty Images

I don’t keep anything physical from my exes. Even though I remain friends with a good number of them, I have long dispensed of books, love letters, birthday gifts — anything they gave me is now gone, remembered fondly but no longer of use to me. Except! Sometimes I hear a song, and I think, I remember exactly who gave me this song. I remember exactly how lovely it felt when they loved me enough to share that song with me.

So I asked some of my friends whether they had any love songs that they still love today, originally given to them by exes. Much like Kayla’s “most romantic songs” list, I should have suspected that this would cause chaos in my text message threads. I received over 40 song submissions within two hours. Without further ado, a small sampling of those submissions, regifted here to you. Happy almost Valentine’s Day!

“A Walk Through Hell” – Say Anything

“Sometimes” – My Bloody Valentine

“You and Me” – Penny and the Quarters

“Little Do They Know” – Pool Cosby

“True Blue” – Mark Ronson / Angel Olsen

“Let Me Love You” – Mario

“Sk8er Boi” – Avril Lavigne

“Regret” – New Order

“Poetic Justice” – Kendrick Lamar

“Can You Tell” – Ra Ra Riot

“Here in Your Arms” – hellogoodbye

“400 Lux” – Lorde

“Crane Your Neck” – Lady Lamb

There was also (of course, obviously) a strong and lovely contingent of songs that are more like heartbreak songs. That could be a whole playlist of its own, but here are some of those:

  1. “I Still Remember” – Bloc Party
  2. “Call It Off” – Tegan and Sara
  3. “The Walk” – Mayer Hawthorne
  4. “On Providence” – Ani DiFranco and Prince
  5. “Comfortable” – John Mayer
  6. “Shutter Island” – Jessie Reyes

Hot, Creative Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day With Yourself, Your Friends or Your Partner(s) That Don’t Involve Flowers or Chocolate

I used to think Valentine’s Day was corny (and it is). But once I’d lived through a decade of Chicago winters, I was willing to try anything that might add some lightness to long, gray days. Yes, this gay grump embraced Valentine’s Day — and while making heart-shaped pancakes hasn’t cured my mental illness or repaired the harms of late stage capitalism, it’s made life a little more bearable. If you’re also living through a cold winter and are still aware of the global pandemic that’s been raging on for two years, you could probably use a little lightness, too.

Folks, let’s take Valentine’s Day by its fuzzy, pink horns and hold on for dear life.

If you want to go the heart-shaped-box of chocolates/ bouquet of roses/ candlelit dinner route, by all means, do it! Embrace whatever brings you joy. But if you’re looking for ways to spend V-Day with your friends, your partner(s), or yourself that feel a little less contrived, here are nine hot, creative ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day:

Write your own erotica.

Do you imagine yourself getting railed in the back of a hot butch’s pickup truck, or do you fantasize about Eve and Villanelle finally (FINALLY!) putting their hands down each other’s pants? Write it down! You can do this solo or co-write with a partner (maybe “Exquisite Corpse”-style?). Once your story is complete, you’ll have a gift that keeps on giving while you give it to yourself. And don’t forget to check out Autostraddle’s A+ S L I C K erotica series for inspiration!

Make playlists for your pals (or your crush).

Everyone loves to receive a playlist, and it doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day-themed! A well-curated playlist is the perfect way to say “I love hot moms” or “wow remember folk punk?” or “sorry your ex is such a piece of shit.” If you want to be extra and your recipient owns a tape player, make a legit mixtape and decorate the cover like it’s 1996.

Make cards and send them to your friends.

Hear me out — I know that valentines are technically supposed to arrive at their destination on or before February 14th itself, but most people appreciate a special note no matter when it shows up in their mailbox. So spend Valentine’s Day itself making some valentines! Then throw some small prizes in the envelopes — people of all ages love receiving stickers and temporary tattoos.

Get together with a partner and paint nude portraits of each other (this tip comes from Autostraddle’s Community Editor Vanessa, who is a genius).

Break out the art supplies — this is your chance to live out your very own Portrait of a Lady on Fire or Titanic fantasy! Alternatively, you can spend some time gazing at your own hot bod in the mirror and paint a nude self-portrait. Keep it for yourself or give it to someone else who longs to see you naked.

Host an at-home love song karaoke party.

Search YouTube for some epic torch song karaoke tracks and sing your heart out with your partner(s), with your friends, or solo. Check out Kayla’s recent list of the most romantic songs of all time to get some ideas. Also, belting out Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” alone in your apartment can be extremely helpful when your next therapy session is still five days away.

Enjoy some elaborate masturbation.

Even if you’re in a relationship, you deserve to take yourself on a Valentine’s Day date that includes some hot sex with yourself. Set aside a solid chunk of time, light some candles, break out all of your favorite sex toys, read through that erotic story you wrote, and enjoy. For more detailed instructions and ideas, check out Vanessa’s guide.

Dub a rom com.

This one’s for the silly gays who know how to improvise. Gather some friends, watch a scene from your favorite rom-com, mute your TV, assign characters, and create your own dialogue. Don’t forget to record it so you can laugh at it later.

Buy some hot queer porn and enjoy it solo or with a partner (OR have a watch party).

If you watch porn, you probably do it alone or with a partner, but it’s also fun to eat snacks with your friends and watch people fist each other like it’s a sport. Through February 28th, you can get 15% off on videos from PinkLabel.TV and CrashPad if you enter the code LOVETOWATCH at checkout.

Plan some role play that involves lot of build-up.

If you and your partner(s) enjoy role play, Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to take it to the next level. If you’ll be apart during the day, send each other texts or emails as your role play personas until you see each other in the evening. If you’re into teacher/student stuff, give your partner a “homework assignment” to complete before your date. Meet up somewhere as your role play personas before you go home together. The possibilities are truly endless, and you can even do it with your long-distance lover. Oh, and don’t forget to wear a costume.

How To Surprise Your Partner for Valentine’s Day When You’ve Spent Every Day Together for Two Pandemic Years

Feature image by MoMo Productions via Getty Images

How the fuck do you surprise the only person you’ve talked to for the past two years? Okay, I know that’s a slight exaggeration, but if you have been cohabitating with a partner during the pandemic, then they have likely been your main source of in-person socialization, and there likely have been quite a few days where they were the only human contact you had. It can maybe seem silly to try and have a “date night” with each other or try to surprise each other for Valentine’s Day — you’re together all the time! But that’s why it’s important to carve out some intentional time together and also shake things up from your daily routine. (For what it’s worth, this doesn’t even have to apply to Valentine’s Day. Planning fun and genuinely adventurous date nights is important year-round for overall relationship health and happiness!) Here are some ideas to help out!

Get delivery from a place y’all have never tried

Listen, I KNOW you’ve been circulating between the same 4-5 delivery joints in your neighborhood, so it’s time to think outside the box! Pick a place you’ve never tried before and go wild! Though maybe ask a nearby friend for recs or browse a bit online so you’re not playing it too risky.

Other ideas of breaking your usual patterns:

Do a self-guided wine tasting or tinned fish tasting or hot sauce tasting or honey tasting or — you get it! Basically if there’s a food or drink category you both enjoy, try getting a set of things you haven’t tried before within that category and give them a whirl! My girlfriend loves when I read wine reviews from the app Vivino aloud to her when we’re trying new wines. I think there’s sometimes pressure to just do/buy the things you already know you like on a holiday like Valentine’s Day, but you can get the things you like any time! Try something new.

If you’re not the one who usually cooks, offer to cook something

I know not all couples have a Cooking Person and a Not Cooking Person, so if this doesn’t apply to you, skip it! But if it does, consider this: It doesn’t matter what your culinary skill level is. Chances are your partner will be charmed by your decision to don the chef’s hat for a day! I love to be the chef in my relationship, but I also sincerely love the days when my girlfriend makes us a frozen pizza! Or one of her grandmother’s recipes! You don’t even have to be responsible for something as daunting as dinner if you don’t want to. This can be a sweet little breakfast in bed or a dessert or a midday cheese plate.

Make an at-home Instagram photo booth

Become your partner’s dream Instagram Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Boo/Etc. by setting up a cute lil photo booth and offering to do a photoshoot of them. This one is specifically for if your partner enjoys taking and posting cute pics of themselves! It gives you a chance to tell them how hot they are, and it gives them some stuff to post other than just selfies. But also make sure you pop on the self-timer and take some pics together.

For constructing the actual “photo booth,” here are some tips/ideas/things to buy:

If your place has a well lit doorway, door streamers are an easy way to create a photo backdrop. There are lots of Valentine’s Day-specific ones.

Are selfie frames cringe? Yeah, but Valentine’s Day is kinda the ultimate Cringe Holiday, so why not lean in?

You don’t need to have a fancy camera to pull this off, but lighting is your friend. Get fancy with a light wand or standing ring light. You can also add decorative lighting to your shoot, like string lights, fairy lights, or neon props.

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Give them some alone time

Now, you have to be the arbiter of whether this is something your partner will actually enjoy! But if they are indeed someone who enjoys recharging by being alone, plan something nice for them like a bath decked out with things they’d like, whether that’s rose petal bath salts, peppermint and tea tree bath bombs, astrology-themed bath glitter, etc. If they don’t already have a bath tray, they are a gamechanger, especially if they like to read in the bath. Get your partner all set up and cozy and then find something to do on your own for a bit.

Alternatively, if you and your partner have different interests, come up with a plan for the day where you each get to partake in your preferred interest. Like for example, if they like museums but you’re more into an outdoor activity like hiking, buy them that museum ticket and go your separate ways for a couple hours. Then reconvene for drinks/dinner and ask each other about your day. I know it might be counterintuitive to spend Valentine’s Day apart, but it doesn’t have to be all day, and it can still be a way to connect!

Staycation, duh

Okay, yes, this one is obvious! Traveling is still complicated and risky right now, and flying is risky. But you don’t have to go far from home to get out of the house and into new surroundings. If you feel like you can do so safely, consider a little cabin getaway, a stay in a beach bungalow, or a camping trip. Or if going somewhere overnight or for a few nights isn’t feasible, you can look into things like day passes for pools near you (can you tell I live in Miami with this suggestion lol) or other outdoor activities in your area that will still feel like getting away from home.

Here are some little bonus tips to make a staycation even more romantic and fun:

If you’re road tripping and you have a car with a CD and/or tape player, make a mixtape. You can do it the old-school way if you have the right equipment. Or you can have it done for you via Etsy, which has options for cassettes as well as CDs (also, obvs not road trip friendly, but the customizable vinyls are very cool!). Or, if you don’t have a tape or CD player in your car but do at home, you can still give the mixtape as a gift and play a digital version of the playlist while you drive.

Bring your own blanket. Sure, it might seem weird to bring your own blanket to an Airbnb or vacation rental, but there’s no telling how cozy the provided ones are going to be! Give the comfy gift of a plush blanket and then bring that shit with you!

If one of your go-to couple activities during the pandemic has been doing puzzles or playing games together, get a travel version of your fav game. Or try out a new game entirely. I’m a huge fan of the very compact, very simple game Pass The Pigs.

Start a gifts note in your phone ASAP

It’s too late to implement this advice this year, but get it going for next Valentine’s Day or a different gift-giving holiday. Any time your partner mentions something they want/like/think is cute/need/etc., jot it down in this note. Include links if you need to! Or accompanying visuals and then create a photo album in your phone for them! A surprise doesn’t have to be mean something completely out of left field. And keeping this note going year-round will help you remember the sorta random wishes your partner has. Because you likely know the major things they want or at least can figure them out pretty quickly, but it’s the little things like this that can be really surprising and sweet. Even if it seems like a boring gift! Like say your partner says they like a certain fancy skincare product but doesn’t want to spend the $$$ or that they wish they had something simple like a cast iron pan but have never gotten around to buying it or they always compliment their friend on their fancy silverware. Store that info away and save yourself from last-minute gifts brainstorming.

Valentine’s Day Gifts For 10 Queer Archetypes

We’ve got a range of gift ideas for your lover/partner/spouse/sweetie/honey/long distance boo/friend/SELF/entire polycule/ex (no judgement!). Whether they’re a Literary Queer, Kitchen Queer, Techie Queer, Pop Culture Queer, Witchy Queer, Adventure Queer, Decor/Design Queer, Fashion Queer, Radical Queer, Sports Queer, or any combination thereof, here are some queer Valentine’s Day gifts to check out. For more ideas (as well as lots of sex toy recs), browse past Valentine’s Day content!

Literary Queer

Photo 1: The poetry book Beast At Every Threshold by Natalie Wee, which features hands holding string and animal parts on its cover. Photo 2: The book Body Work by Melissa Febos, which features a drawn blue body against a yellow background on its cover. Photo 3: The book Our Wives Under The Sea by Julia Armfield, which features waves against a pink background on its cover
1. Beast at Every Threshold by Natalie Wee ($14)
2. Body Work by Melissa Febos ($16)
3. Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield ($25)
Photo 1: Hands hold a set of four leather notebooks. Photo 2: Three rainbow shaped bookends in pink, off white, and green sit against a white background. Photo 3: A blue typewriter sits on a white table.
1. Leather Notebook ($36)
2. Rainbow Book End ($25)
3. 1960s Typewriter ($295)

The best way to guarantee you’re buying a book for someone that they don’t already own is to buy them a preorder! Sure, it might seem less sexy to not be able to open a physical book and like the bookish equivalent of giving someone a coupon or an IOU, but I promise it’s more romantic than that! Preorders are super helpful for authors, so you can give the gift of a book AND of supporting queer writers. I guarantee you that the Literary Queer in your life will deeply value that.

In addition to three queer books across different genres currently available for preorder, I’ve chosen three non-book gifts above. Also, feel free to reappropriate this holigay gift guide for book lovers (other than books) for your Valentine’s Day needs! And refer back to Casey’s preview of queer books coming out in the first quarter of 2022 for more preorder ideas.

Kitchen Queer

Photo 1: Five different tinned fishes surround a cookbook called The Magic of Tinned Fish. Photo 2: A set of six spices are labeled Chili, Wild Mountain Cumin, Black Lime, Tomato Powder, Buffalo Ginger, and Royal Cinnamon. Photo 3: A pale blue casserole dish with a lid sits on a granite countertop. Photo 4: A small wooden spoon rests on top of a larger wooden spoon. Photo 5: A person wears a denim apron with a red sash over a white buttondown. Photo 6: Eight miniature dutch ovens in rainbow colors sit on a white countertop
1. Tinned Fish Sampler Box ($80)
2. Burlap & Barrel Chef’s Choice Set ($50)
3. Vintage Casserole Dish ($35)
4. Carved Olive Serving Spoon ($37)
5. Chef’s Apron ($38)
6. Le Creuset Mini Cocottes ($25)

Chances are, they already have everything they REALLY need in the kitchen. Which is why it’s good to focus on specifics. A really nice apron is thoughtful. Handmade/carved/vintage products add homey touches to a kitchen. Burlap & Barrel is one of my favorite spice companies, and I highly recommend their gift sets! The vintage casserole dish above is the only one available, so get it before it’s gone! But I found a few other cute retro casserole dishes on eBay + Etsy. And tinned fish is HOT right now —a sentence I never thought I’d type, and yet, the most me sentence I can imagine.

Techie Queer/Gamer Gay

Photo 1: A Stream gift card displays the amount $50. Photo 2: Headphones featuring wooden paneling on the ear cups. Photo 3: A small Gopro brand streaming camera. Photo 4: A piece of black and white artwork with a black background and white geometrical lines hangs on a wall. Photo 5: Different tiles display games offered on Apple Arcade. Photo 6: A white mug sits on a desk
1. Steam Gift Card ($50)
2. LSTN Wireless Headphones ($80)
3. Gopro Streaming Camera ($400)
4. IKEA Picture Frame with Wireless Speaker ($200)
5. Apple Arcade Subscription ($4.99/month)
6. Temperature Control Smart Mug ($100)

Listen, I am admittedly a little out of my league here, and I also know techies and gamers are different! But I’m trying to spread the love here, so consider this category your catchall for gadgetry. Some of these gifts are geared toward gamers, some toward just tech folks, and some toward specific subsets of techies like audiophiles. A little bit of something for everyone! Also, I am not a gadgets person, but I am INTRIGUED by the smart mug.

Pop Culture Queer

Photo 1: Artwork depicts Carol and Therese from the movie Carol with Carol saying "I like the hat". Photo 2: A Yellowjackets t-shirt reads WHS. Photo 3: The book Batwoman Omnibus's cover depicts Batwoman stomping. Photo 4: A t-shirt depicts Ghostface from Scream saying "you like scary movies too?!" with hearts around it. Photo 5: Hands hold a pink vinyl record. Photo 6: Gift cards display amounts $25 and $50 for Criterion Collection
1. Jenifer Prince Carol print ($15)
2. Yellowjackets shirt ($35)
3. Batwoman Omnibus ($93)
4. Scream shirt ($25)
5. Customizable Vinyl ($148)
6. Criterion Collection Gift Card ($25+)

Y’all…what is going on with Yellowjackets merch? Why does Showtime not want to simply rob me of all my money??? There is technically a small run of Yellowjackets merch available at Urban Outfitters, and I was even sent a piece for free, but none of it says Yellowjackets on it????? Not putting the show’s name is either a galaxy brain approach or has some legal reason behind it. I did find some weird legal drama over Yellowjackets as a mascot that has nothing to do with the show, so it could have something to do with that? Idk! WHERE ARE THE LETTERMAN JACKETS? Anyway, here are some gifts for the pop culture obsessives in your life. Also, I linked the Carol print to stick to the pop culture theme, but literally all of Jenifer Prince’s prints are amazing. And a bonus gift idea: Autostraddle’s Gay Chaos television sticker!

Witchy Queer

Photo 1: A book cover reads HoodWitch, poems by Faylita Ficks. Photo 2: A candle holder shaped like a raven holds a glowing tealight candle. Photo 3: A hand with long pink and yellow acrylic nails holds a gold and pink tube of lip gloss. Photo 4: Two earrings shaped like cats resting on crescent moons with gold backings sit on a white background. Photo 5: Several rainbow-tinted iridescent crystals shaped like oval pendants sit on a wood table. Photo 6: A black book cover reads in white text Next World Tarot
1. HoodWitch by Faylita Hicks ($15)
2. Raven Candle Holder ($26)
3. Rose Quartz-Infused Lip Gloss ($11)
4. Cat Moon Earrings ($5.50)
5. Rainbow Clear Quartz Pendant ($51)
6. New World Tarot Deck and Guidebook ($46)

For more witchy recs, revisit Meg’s Winter Solstice gift guide.

Adventure Queer

Photo 1: A yellow and blue backpack with a gray handle sits on grass and a picnic table alongside a bottle of wine. Photo 2: A black and red flannel checked hat by Columbia sits against a white background. Photo 3: A teal and pink large picnic cooler with yellow handles sits against a white background. Photo 4: Two drink tumblers sit against a white background — one is black and has the text Get Lost amongst drawings of trees and one is silver and has a drawing of a tent against a mountain. Photo 5: The components of a survival pack — including safety pins, thread, a rescue whistle, a compass, fishing hooks, and a sewing kit sit against a white background. Photo 6: A silver carabiner is etched with the text DADDY EST. 1995 and sits on a wooden table
1. Cooler Backpack ($53)
2. Fleece Hat ($22)
3. Retro Picnic Cooler ($50)
4. Get Lost Tumbler ($20)
5. Survival Pack ($28)
6. Personalized Carabiner ($24)

Nothing says “I love you” like apocalypse preparedness. Here are some gifts for the survivalist queers, the hiking dykes, and those among us who simply like to do outdoor activities, even when those outdoor activities are just “drinking and eating in the sun.” I’m not sure the Etsy shop selling these customizable carabiners knew when they were doing when they put “DADDY” on this one but…

Decor/Design Queer

Photo 1: A red-rimmed mirror that is shaped like a heart that is dripping hangs on a white wall. Photo 2: A white vase holds a bouquet of orange, green, and brown dried flowers and sits on a white table. Photo 3: A clock whose face is watercolored blue, pink, purple, and green hangs on a white wall. Photo 4: A tied together bunch of eucalyptus hands under a shower head in a tiled showed. Photo 5: Dark gray, white gray, and pink candles shaped like flowers sit on a white cloth. Photo 6: A piece of art that looks like a chunk of wood with wooden mushrooms growing out of it hangs on a white wall
1. Heart Mirror ($15+)
2. Dried Floral Bouquet ($13)
3. Watercolor Wall Clock ($45)
4. Eucalyptus Bundle ($13)
5. Flower Soy Candle ($10)
6. Wooden Mushroom Art ($34)

Decor can be a risky gift! You have to really know someone’s tastes/aesthetics! But if you feel confident about it, go for it! Especially if you’re someone who recently moved in with a partner! It can be really fun to add things to your space that remind you of each other.

Fashion Queer

Photo 1: A gold ring shaped like interlocked chains sits against a navy blue background. Photo 2: A woman wears a low-V black crop top with hearts on it that ties in the middle and falls just below the breast as well as matching black and heart-printed shorts with a waistband just below the belly button. Photo 3: A person's neck displays four gold necklaces, including one with a large A on it. Photo 4: A person wears a pair of lightwash jeans with a pink satin crop top that has bell sleeves and a deep-V. Photo 5: A white wristwatch with a gold Lacoste emblem of an alligator rests against a navy blue background. Photo 6: A person wears a pink skater dress with puffy sleeves and red hearts printed on it
1. Automic Gold “Butch Ring” ($99)
2. Valentine’s Day Lounge Set ($98)
3. Monogrammed Initial Necklace ($38)
4. Pink Satin Crop Top ($70)
5. Lacoste Watch ($101)
6. Heart Print Mini Dress ($140)

Are monogrammed necklaces overdone? Probably! And yet, I do find them super cute and versatile —I wear mine almost every day, and it layers well. Automic Gold is a queer-owned jewelry boutique, and all of their stuff is simple but hot.

Radical Queer

Photo 1: A newsprint features the faces of queer and trans artists and reads LOOK.AT.US. Photo 2: A smattering of magazine clippings sit on a black background. Photo 3: A white text box reads 6 month abolition. Photo 4: A purple t-shirt reads Lavender Menace in swirly font. Photo 5: A black and white sticker features a skeleton holding a scroll that says BE GAY DO CRIME!. Photo 6: A red book cover reads LET THE RECORD SHOW by Sarah Schulman
1. LOOK.AT.US Issue 5 ($20)
2. Zine Making Kit ($10)
3. A Room Of One’s Own 6 Month Abolition Book Subscription ($210)
4. Autostraddle’s Lavender Menace Tee ($25)
5. Be Gay Do Crime Sticker ($1+)
6. Let The Record Show by Sarah Schulman ($37)

Nothing says I love you like a 700+ page book on queer history! Also, if your boo likes 90s punk scenes, check out this list for more book recs. Also, all of A Room Of One’s Own’s book subscriptions are cool!

Sports Queer

Photo 1: A black sneaker with white soles and laces that says AIR in rainbow lettering. Photo 2: A white sherpa half-zip cropped fleece that has the USWNT logo on it. Photo 3: A pair of slide sandals in white that say NWSL in blue letters on the strap. Photo 4: An orange hoodie printed with a pattern of the WNBA logo in black. Photo 5: A black baseball cap with the WNBA logo in the center in orange. Photo 6: An art print depicts a person with a heart tattoo wearing a black workout set and white athletic socks.
1. Nike Air Force 1 Shadows ($120)
2. USWNT Cropped Sherpa Half-Zip ($66)
3. NWSL Slides ($50)
4. WNBA Hoodie ($80)
5. WNBA Hat ($26)
6. Sports Gay Print ($6)

Look, it was difficult to pick stuff that wasn’t team-specific, ya know? But if you know your boo’s team, Fanatics has a sale going on.

What are you planning to give or hoping to receive this Valentine’s Day?

Making Amends with Valentine’s Day

Sometime in between potty training and the prom, I learned I was unworthy of the love that brought roses, candy grams, and absurdly large bears on Valentine’s Day. I haven’t liked roses since middle school, I learned to buy my own candy, and I have come to terms with the idea that I was born an absurdly large bear – brown, cuddly, and thick in all the best ways. I’m not a Valentine’s Day hipster. I won’t harangue about how roses and overpriced chocolates fuel capitalism. Love is love is love and Valentine’s Day is a day that many in this world shower their chosen ones with the love they deserve. Buy that boi his roses. Buy your girl her chocolates. Buy yourself that new vibrator, baby. You deserve it. I believe in love the way that queer folks believe in astrology – without reservation and probably more than I should.

In our house, music was how we said “I love you” in the deepest way possible. My parents swung us around in our family room dancing to their favorite songs. Years later, I would visit their graves playing those same songs while tears streamed down my face.

I was a fat nerd in high school (we are the best type). While the cool kids spent lunch eating pizza and playing hacky sack on the lawn, I spent mine taking extra band classes. After school, I sat in front of my computer surrounded by cassettes, blank CDs and sharpies, illegally downloading songs and making mixtapes for my crushes. I hid behind instruments, computers, Whitney’s voice, Prince’s guitar and awkwardly whispered “I love you more than I know how to explain and I’m scared so here’s a tape I made you.”

Fifteen years later, I no longer whisper; I shout it. Life is too damn short not to tell your people you love all pieces of them: I LOVE YOU and I MADE YOU THIS PLAYLIST.

This playlist honors the messiness of our journeys. It welcomes you with Syd’s “Drown In It” and ends with Corinne Bailey Rae’s “High,” a tribute to love that makes you want to keep it all to yourself (and also to my beautiful partner, Jane). Between the start and finish, you’ll find songs about family, new crushes, old lovers, heartbreak, and the most radical self-love we can muster. Some songs have words, others just provide a backing track for your own thoughts.

Like the best sex, I’ve decided to give it to you slow and deep in some parts and fast and rough in others. This playlist is verse and in it for the long haul. Play it top to bottom, bottom to top, on shuffle, repeat, softly while you soak in the tub, loudly when you first wake up on Sunday morning. It is ours.

I believe in making playlists like I love — with fierceness, exuberance, and intentionality. There are more than two hours of love songs for your ears and soul. In lieu of roses, candy, and a large bear, I offer you 40 tracks and an “I love you” that stretches into eternity.

On some of my favorites…

For Our Family (Chosen, Blood, and Imagined) — Mereba’s “Kinfolk”

It’s been almost a year now without family holidays, birthday parties, visiting grandparents, and reunions. Much of the world has mourned these as they come, trying to replicate the moments virtually — zoom meetings, packages, letters, and drive-by celebrations. Nothing feels the same and you find yourself missing your most-loathed relative, longing to have your cheeks squeezed by aunts, feigning a smile when you’re asked about potential kids, spouses, and career shifts again. There is no doubt that the isolative rotation around the sun has left many of us wishing for connection with those we hold closest. For some of us, this is a familiar feeling. We have been mourning the loss of those connections, events, hugs, obligatory intrusive questions for longer than we would like to admit. Maybe it happened when we came out, when we began to perform our queerness just a little too loudly when we brought our “friend” home for the last time. We queers know something about losing, about mourning, about searching to fill what once was. We also know a lot about finding our people and creating kinship. We know about loving deeply and staying.

I am learning to master grief and loss in ways that so many are around the world. In practical terms, I’m an orphan. My mama died six years ago this month, my dad just only last month. These days, family is a patchwork quilt of blood relatives, longtime friends, and people I have never met in real life. A haunting ballad and love song to the ones who matter, Mereba’s “Kinfolk” is a tribute to us. In her chorus, she reminds us that “we got what no money could measure” and while we could all use some more money right now, her voice brings a warm, loving serenade.

For more family love, facetime your family and dance to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston or “Before I Let Go” by Maze and Frankie Beverly.

Tell That Crush You Love Them Today – Brittany Howard’s “Georgia”

If you close your eyes real tight, perhaps you might imagine yourself like me in high school: an apprehensive teenager walking home from the bus stop, jean jacket, shabby converse, walkman on your ears, and listening to “Georgia” on repeat while you think about the day you’ll muster up the courage to tell your crush how you really feel: “Is it cool? I wanna tell ya that I love you.” This track is for the cute queers who need some courage to jump into the unknown. Just do it already. Love is waiting.

Further listening: “U Should” by CHIKA and King Princess’ “1950,” and “Make Me Feel” by Janelle Monae for more courage.

In Honor of Loving Ourselves Enough to Reckon with Our Shit — “By You” by Oompa (Featuring Anjimile)

Oompa’s Cleo was one of my favorite albums to drop in 2019. Her lyrics are raw and honest in ways that make you reckon with yourself, too. On “By You,” Oompa pairs brilliant lines like “I’m just here because my girl said I can’t blow up / And therapy is how I tell her that I am grown up” with the gorgeous vocals of Anjimile and gives us a heart-wrenching ballad about facing your demons and unpacking your shit in order to love and be loved.

We ain’t always ready to be in relationships. This is a song for us working on us. Those who love/hate our therapist. And those of us who are learning to love our truth (no matter how ugly it looks). After a year in isolation, I think all of us just “wanna be loved” right now.

Take care of yourself some more while listening to Jamila Woods’ “Holy.“

For Those of Us Who Chose Ourselves — Wafia’s “Pick Me”

For a long time, I was a hardcore giver. I gave up my dreams and ideas to make those around me feel comfortable. As a fat, Black, queer person, I learned to shrink, to be quiet, to take up as little space as possible. For some of us, giving to others (and up on ourselves) is easier than picking ourselves.

Wafia’s “Pick Me” is a battle cry of self-love, confidence, and preservation. Over an acoustic guitar, she is fierce in her proclamation, she picks herself, “every day, every night, every single week.” No matter where you are in your journey of self-love, you deserve to dream, exist, and be affirmed in all your ways. You deserve to be prioritized, held tightly, and picked first. It’s okay to pick yourself. Ain’t nobody gon’ love you like you love you.

Need more encouragement: Play Lizzo’s “Scuse Me” on repeat and belt it out.

Because They Never Deserved You No Way — “Tights on My Boat” by the Chicks

The guitar that backs Natalie Maines’ voice on this spellbound “fuck you” track sounds like a hard slap on the cheek of the ex who left your heart in pieces. . The Chicks’ music has always given us permission to stay mad, wish our haters the worst, and sit in our emotions; this track is no different. Each second of “Tights on My Boat” is soaked in controlled rage and disdain From the first line until the last, Maines sings a drag for the ages: “I hope you die peacefully in your sleep (just kidding), I hope it hurts like you hurt me; I hope when you think of me, you can’t breathe.” At the 22nd second of the track, Maines lets out an exhale that tells us we’re gonna be alright despite the heartbreak. At its core, Tights on My Boat is an anthem for those who’ve loved hard and gotten our hearts broken, burned, and tossed to the wind. Listen to this song on repeat and drink your favorite drink. Toast to your freedom. They didn’t deserve you, boo. Keep your head up and keep loving, baby.

See Also: “the 1″ by Taylor Swift and “GodSpeed” by Frank Ocean

You May Not Have a Date, but Do You Have Cleaning Supplies? — “W.A.P.” by Cardi B and Meg Thee Stallion

Meg spits “if he fuck me and ask, ‘Whose is it?’ / When I ride the dick, I’ma spell my name.” Let’s be honest. Some of us have been spelling our own names for eleven months (or longer). COVID-19 has made in-person dating, hookups, and relationships difficult for a lot of us. Eating your crush out is virtually impossible through an N-95 mask and many aren’t willing to risk our lives for it – no matter how good it is. When this anthem dropped in the summer, it set off the conservatives and male hip hop heads alike – how dare these hot women talk about their pussy and its power? It’s 2021 fam. How dare they not? Although the song has twinges of cishet normativity, Cardi and Meg never gender WAP. They open the box and the drip is real.

A solo Valentine’s Day prescription: Grab a bucket, mop, your favorite toy and play this on repeat at least 9 times before bed. With partner(s)? Also see: “Lavish” by TT the Artist and “Naked” by Siena Liggins

For the Socially Distanced New Lovers in 2021 — “A Long Walk” by Jill Scott

I’ve had a crush on Jill Scott since this song came out in 2000. I didn’t know what it meant to be queer yet, but I knew I loved Jill Scott and I would walk with her wherever she wanted to go. Her voice is one in a million, wrapping us with all of the warmth we’re missing in isolation this winter. Last year, Jill gave us one of the greatest displays of love. Her Verzuz battle with the incomparable goddess Erykah Badu was a breath of fresh air; hours of affirmation, joy, and music that tasted like your mama’s cooking and sounded like your most sensual lover. Dating is hard in a pandemic so I’m dedicating Ms. Scott’s 2001 classic, “A Long Walk” to the new socially-distanced lovers who are masking up, going for walks in the winter, and getting COVID-19 tests to get laid or find love. May your walk bring your soul the elevation you seek.

For Post-Walk Activities, see: “Cyber Sex” by Doja Cat and “Lying Together” by FKJ

For the Lovers of Justice — Tracy Chapman’s “Talkin’ Bout a Revolution”

Donald Trump’s presidency exposed a long-standing undercurrent of disgusting racism and white supremacy in our country. It also brought Tracy Chapman back to late-night television to perform her evergreen classic anthem, “Talkin’ Bout a Revolution.” Last summer, Pride was canceled and despite a raging pandemic, we flooded the streets to protest police brutality. We screamed names of folks we didn’t know but loved enough in memoriam to risk our lives in the name of justice. In All About Love, bell hooks writes, “the moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.” We’ve been choosing love. We’ve been moving toward freedom. Despite the obstacles in their way, organizers, educators, and leaders haven’t given up on revolution – on the possibility of a liberated world. Last month’s inauguration brought a glimmer of hope. It feels like “finally the tables are starting to turn.”

Also see: “Rise Up” (Andra Day)

To Our Pasts (Who Deserve Love Too) — Joy Oladokun’s “Younger Days”

Isolation brings introspection, introspection brings growth. We’ve all done a lot of growing up since our last Valentine’s Day. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my past as a younger queerdo – late nights at my favorite bar in DC, bad hookups, broken promises, and lost connections. “I wish I was at the club tonight,” I said back in August. I haven’t been to a club in three years. Just the idea of being up until last call makes me sleepy. It’s easy to be hard on ourselves when we reflect on what should have, could have, and would have been. In “Younger Days,” Joy Oladokun tells us to cut our past selves some slack. Send the past you a love note this Valentine’s Day.

An Ode to the Ultimate Love — Prince’s “Call My Name”

Whether you’ve been with your partner(s) for two weeks or twenty years, Prince’s “Call My Name” is the soundtrack for the “can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of” love (shout out to the Olsen twins circa 1995).

The world hasn’t been the same without the presence of Prince Rogers Nelson. Listening to his music still takes me to a higher plane where love is always queer, Blackness is always abundant, and being our truest selves is the holiest prayer we can offer the universe. In “Call My Name,” Prince belts his heart out for a real love that changes his world. All-consuming, Prince “just can’t stop writing songs” about his love.

This ballad is made for a good two-step with your favorite dance partner. Like the truest love, Prince’s voice lifts you off your feet. Don’t be scared though. The drums and bass cradle you for three minutes. This is that good shit – That Prince Rogers Nelson kind of art. We might not have Prince’s songwriting talent, but we still have the ability to show the people dearest to us that they are seen, affirmed, and loved. When’s the last time you called your lover by their name? When’s the last time you held their name on your tongue and offered it to them as a gift of admiration? Speak your love into existence. Name it and tell them how you feel.

The entire playlist is on Spotify and on Apple music.

Follow Prince’s example and take your time – with this playlist, love, and your growth.

I love you in all your forms.

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Get Into These Valentine’s Day Sex Toy Picks (and Get Your Date Off Valentine’s Weekend)

This post is sponsored by Wet For Her.

I’m a minimalist, but you know what, sometimes I can use a little bit more — and then some more after that. Every type of Valentine (and their date) is gonna want to end the night with all the options on hand for getting sweet between the sheets. I thought I’d take the maximalist route and give you just a few extra toys to choose from to help make your Valentine’s day hella fun.

RockHer

“Got to try with my partner and it’s absolutely amazing. She loves it. The remote makes it convenient to adjust the settings. I am not one that gets off from just tribbing. I usually need more than that, but this did the trick. Def would recommend if you would like to spice things up. Btw this may be TMI, but getting some head while this is in. Holy ****. A different kind of experience” — Maricruz

Small purple vibrating oval shaped toy. There is a tail like end with a loop for grabbing.

This is one of the top faves not just for me but for Isabel too! If you’re a fan of tribbing, scissoring or grinding and just really wanna take it to the next level this is literally it — especially if you’re the type to want to get extra close to your sweetie after you’ve had all the chocolates and bubbles. Find the perfect placement between the two of you and hit your groove; it’s gonna become a constant part of your playtime. 10 vibrating modes, a 1 hour run time and a wireless remote so that you don’t have to pause to adjust when you hit that sweet spot. Perfect too if your valentine is a bit of a pillow princess but you know you love it so you’re not complaining.

Buy the RockHer

Union Double Dildo

“Bought this and was very happy with my purchase! There is some time to get used to using it, as with any sex toy, but it brought pleasure to both me and my partner and spiced things up and made us feel more connected during the fun!” — Maria F.

Double ended dildo, with a smaller shape on one end for insertion.

Double Dildos take time for everyone involved to get adjusted to but once you do, BABBBBBBYYYYYYY IT’S TIME FOR BLASTOFF! I really enjoy the Union because the closeness is incredible, I love that neither of us have to give up penetration, I feel more physically connected and that’s due to the bulbous end being inside me while simultaneously having the elongated end in them. Some folks use Valentine’s day to explore in the bedroom and try something new, and this could be just the ticket for that! You’ll have to learn to work certain muscles to get all you can out of it but fear not — it’s harness compatible until you’re ready to go without the training wheels. It comes with a mini bullet to add actual vibes to your playtime to increase the fun even more.

Buy the Union Double Dildo

Boxer Brief Harness

“AMAZING. My girlfriend and I have been searching for a harness that is comfortable. These are SO GOOD. Super comfortable to wear, and she both felt secure and was actually secure. We had VERY enthusiastic sex with them, and they never budged from their place. We absolutely love and recommend these!” — Finn

Black Boxer Brief Harness

These go up to a 3X, which is very dope. They are snug and secure so that just like Finn, you can have very enthusiastic sex without worrying about things slipping off or out. The tighter fit also helps the strap you select stay firm inside of the O-Ring. They are also comfortable under clothes, so when the mood finally hits on the 14th you can take off your dress, slip in your fav dildo and then slip into her. It’s compatible with all the dildos on the Wet For Her site (except for the Fusion!) so you have plenty of options for V-day fun.

Buy the Boxer Brief Harness

Fusion

“Love this product made for women, by women! Product is well made and details are great. My wife and I love it!” — Anonymous

fusion - a smooth lilac dildo

I’ve said it before about this toy — I enjoy it because it has a non-realistic design. It comes in 3 colors (with the cutest being this sweet lavender one) and is a great starter strap-on! Imagine having all 3 colors and sizes and letting your girl work her way up during your literal all-day Valentine’s sex-a-thon. It’s made of smooth, soft, 100% silicone and water based & hybrid lubes are safe to use on it when you want things to get even more slippery than they already are. You can use it harnessed with a partner (The Spareparts one is its most compatible friend) or sans harness when you want her to watch you and feed you candy hearts.

Buy the Fusion

BumpHer

“It’s a great product. I have 2 so I don’t need to change it over if my gf wants something bigger or slimmer. I get something out of it too rather than a bruised beaver.” — Jo M.

A photo of the BumpHer. A toy that provides cushion when using a strap on and has two small protruding bumps on the reverse side for pleasure for the giver.

This is one of the dopest things I’ve found in the land of sex toys. When you’re strapping someone down, yes you’re having a blast, but let’s be honest — sometimes it hurts the giver. Having this is solid because you’ll no doubt be putting it down all night, maybe to 112’s “Cupid” to celebrate the occasion, so how great would it be to not make up the next day with a bruised pelvis. The BumpHer is easy to slide over the base of your dildo, provides a literal extra cushion for the pushin’ for the giver, and it also has bumps that shape around your clit so that you can get some sensations while you’re bringing her closer and closer to that O. This is a must-have in any toy chest and it looks cool too!

Buy the BumpHer

Remember — everything in this post is available from our friends over at Wet For Her! They’re making sure to get everything to you before the big day if you order before February 7th — there’s an extra fee for shipping but it will be worth it!

Have fun, and happy Valentine’s Day, hotties!

Shop WetForHer.com

QUIZ: What Kind of Queer Valentine’s Date Are You?

This post is sponsored by Wet for Her.

Valentines Day is a day when you can show someone you’ve been loving on (or just fucking on) just how much you’re digging them. You can give them chocolates that will melt or flowers that will brighten their space for a week, but why not give the gift that keeps on giving… and giving… and giving?

Take this quiz to find out just what kind of queer V-Day Date you are for the cutie in your life right now — and the toy that matches your persona. Are you popping over at 1AM for something a little quick and dirty? Maybe you want to bake their fave treats and watch their favorite rom com because you’re so sweet and chill. Either way, I got you, babe, and I’m here to help make sure you’re all set for a Valentine’s night you won’t soon forget.

Everything is available from our friends over at Wet For Her! They are making sure to get everything to you before the big day if you order by February 4th before noon CST. If you’re more of a last-minute Lilith you can order all the way up until noon CST February 10th to still get your V-Day treat time; the extra cash for shipping but it will be worth it!

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What Sets A Lady On Fire: @notallgeminis Valentine’s Day Memes

Happy Valentine’s Day, queerly beloveds! Because romance is nothing without astrology, and astrology is nothing without lesbian memes, the endlessly truth-telling Instagram meme artist @notallgeminis aka Courtney Perkins, kindly dropped us a sly little valentine on what sets our hearts blazing. She asks that you check your Venus and Mars, so don’t be lazy. And yes, it is okay to call out yourself and others in the comments, love is about being seen.

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11 Multifunction Couple’s Toys for Making Your Own Fun this Valentine’s Day

There’s a reason the couple in the rom-com tries to take a cooking class or Segway tour together – we grow closer to people by figuring things out together. The best bonding experience is both of you creating it yourselves, and this Valentine’s Day you can do just that with these multi-function, flexible toys. Both members of a couple don’t always – or often! – like the exact same things, and this month you don’t have to; create your own custom experience and change it up for your own favorite sensations with these open-ended toys.

Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off one item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are noted in the post.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Sinclair Bullet $9.95

50% Discount

There’s almost nothing a bullet vibe can’t do, whether it’s being thrown in your purse as a bonus for a fun date, making a masturbation session that much better, getting slipped inside a harness or dick… the list goes on. Where you take this sleek, smooth little bullet vibe… and where will it take you? One way to find out!

Buy the Sinclair Bullet

Bang Her Finger Vibe $12.95

50% Discount

Hands and fingers are the ultimate sex toy, and this cute little finger vibe makes anything you or your sweetie is doing with their fingers that much more intense, whether their fingers are inside you, used for external stimulation, or giving you a temple massage after a long day. (Not for anal use though! Everything but that.)

Buy the Bang Her Finger Vibe

Eve’s Naughty Nipple Clamps $18.95

50% Discount

These reliable, versatile champions of the bedroom come through for us in so many ways; they’re portable, silent and motorless, go with everything, and open up a world of choices; what can’t they clamp? Some things, probably, but in general they’re a great option for nipples, genitals, or any other sensitive body parts.

Buy Eve’s Naughty Nipple Clamps

Luxe Beginner Plug Kit $29.95

25% Discount

This set of three graduated plugs offer themselves to your imagination, like Mary Oliver’s wild geese, and the process of choosing which one(s) you want to use tonight with your sweetie sounds delicious. How will you incorporate all three of them into your sex life? A gradual progression? Sharing with multiple partners (safely)? A door stopper to leave the bedroom door open a bit so your cat can leave? So many possibilities!

Buy the Luxe Beginner Plug Kit

Thunder Wand ($99.95) and Thunder Gasm Attachment $29.95

50% Discount

If you and your bb currently use any type of rumbly wand vibrator situation, it’s likely already taken you on a number of unforgettable journeys — imagine how much more it can do for you with this wand head attachment, which offers nubs, ribs, and even a tongue-inspired attachment that “simulates loving oral attention.” As the product copy laments, “so many stimulations, so little time” — maybe schedule in time for an extra round just in case. Although this attachment will work on a variety of wand-style vibrators, it’s designed for use with the Thunder Wand – why not go ahead and pick one up while you’re here?

Buy the Thunder Wand

Buy the Thunder Gasm Attachment

Satisfyer Multifunnction $49.95

10% Discount

The smooth silicone surface of this buzzy little number offers a range of surface-level vibrations for anywhere on the body, and its gentle curve means it can cup or hug anywhere you’d like – where might you and your activity partner decide its versatile triple motors will feel best? External stimulation? P-spot? G-spot? Take your time figuring it out!

Buy the Satisfyer Multifunntion 2

Lapin Vibrator $69.95

50% Discount

Between the twin vibrating motors and mix of speeds and rhythmic functions, you and your partner have a lot of decisions to make about how to use the Lapin vibrator and where you want it — maybe you should take the whole weekend to really exhaust your options. Use the smooth edge of a prong as an external vibrator, or use both ears at once to grip or stimulate a sensitive area.

Buy the Lapin

WeVibe Tango $79.95

5% Discount

For those of us looking for more firepower than a bullet, the WeVibe Tango is a more powerful, bolder alternative – with its sleek shape and mix of flat and curved edges, you or a partner can experiment with what feels best on different areas of the body from tip to toe.

Buy the WeVibe Tango

Caress $99.95

30% Discount

If you and your partner want to have your cake and eat it too, along with several other cakes you can change out on a whim, the Caress might be of interest! Its five different interchangeable heads combine rotation and vibration to offer five different kinds of clitoral stimulation, from a focused firm two prongs to a fluttery petaled journey.

Buy Caress

Tryst Multi-Erogenous Massager $119.95

50% Discount

If you and your boo love letting your imagination run away with you, the Tryst is perfect for your trysts – with its uniquely shaped extending arms and three separate motors, the Tryst offers a range of possibilities for a range of bodies and all the pleasurable possibilities you weirdos can come up with. Is it a penis ring? A clitoral stimulator? A couples vibrator? All that and more, my friend. Drink plenty of water!

Buy the Tryst Massager

2x Double Vibrator $128.95

10% Discount

Oh, the places you’ll go with this intriguing double vibrator! It’s anal safe, making it a fun option for double penetration, and offers an extra dildo sleeve for as many possible sensations as your little heart could desire.

Buy the 2x Double Vibrator

Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off one item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are noted in the post.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Who Do You Love: @notallgeminis x Autostraddle Do Queer Valentine’s Day Memes

Happy Valentine’s Day, queers! We wanted to get you something special to show we really care, and we heard you like astrology and St. Vincent and Dua Lipa’s Grammy duet, so we teamed up with Courtney Perkins of @notallgeminis Instagram fame to bring you the sexiest smartest funniest memes y’all have ever seen roasting every single sign not once, not twice, but four times. Because you’re worth it. Please enjoy being called out over and over, and make sure to send this gift of a post to all the babes in your life. Oh, and obviously – tag yourself in the comments!

all memes created by Courtney Perkins of @notallgeminis

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Sharing Is Caring: 10 Sex Toys Perfect for Couples This Valentine’s Day

This post is sponsored by Eve’s Toys.

Sex toys are a standby for solo sex for many of us, but they’re also a very cute couples look. Although you can have fun getting busy with a partner with any kind of toy you’re into, these toys designed specifically with couples in mind can leave you and your cutie feeling more satisfied than a Domino’s heart-shaped pizza this Valentine’s Day.

Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off one item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are noted in the post.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Long-Distance Toys

WeVibe Rave (5% discount) and WeVibe Ditto (50% discount)

It’s hard not to be able to physically touch your sweetie when your relationship is long-distance, whether it’s indefinitely because you live far apart, for the length of a business trip, or because one of you is on a Costco trip that’s running very long. The Rave’s unique asymmetrical shape means it can stimulate a range of different erogenous zones or be used on the G-spot, and the Ditto is a beloved go-to vibrating anal toy; both can be controlled from a distance with the WeConnect app, allowing one partner to control the vibrations for another; our reviewer liked how the app’s built-in video and chat feature means “you can video or text chat with each other while fiddling with the settings without having to switch back and forth between apps.”

Short-Distance Toys

Club Vibe (20% discount) and Vibrating Panty (20% discount)

It can be super fun to spice up everyday couples activities, like going to the co-op for more oat milk or both avoiding reading your book club book, with a sexy secret like these vibrating panty options. The classic vibrating panty features an insertable, textured vibrator inside a g-string style panty, while the Club Vibe offers an external clit vibrator. Both have a remote control for you or a partner to control the discreet vibrator while you’re at the club, or while Karen explains her dietary restrictions to the server at lunch again.

Strap-ons

Evoke Strapless (50% discount) and Strap U (50% discount)

There are as many ways to enjoy lesbian sex with a strap-on as there are ways to check your girlfriend’s ex’s instagram even though she has you blocked! That is to say, definitely a few. If you’re into strap-on sex where you can both enjoy penetration, there’s no cuter couples look than the Evoke strapless or the Strap U, with their carefully designed G-spot stimulating internal bulb, textured pad against your clit and removable bullet vibe.

Scissoring

Shi Shi Union (50% discount) and Embrace Body Wand (50% discount)

What’s a more time-honored lesbian couples activity than scissoring? Calling a pet psychic to find out why your cats don’t get along now that you’ve moved in together, but scissoring is a more fun activity for Valentine’s Day. The Shi Shi Union is specifically designed for scissoring, making it a unique option for lesbian couples; our reviewer wrote that if you’re “a fan of and expert at classic scissoring, then the [Shi Shi Union] might really rock your socks off.” Mixing up your scissoring experience by holding a rumbly wand massager between your bodies is a classic move, and the Embrace is a great choice; the second vibrating motor in the handle of the wand means you have a few different options for what fits between you and your partner best.

Satisfyer Toys

Satisfyer Multi-Funn (10% discount) and Satisfyer Couples (50% discount)

Satisfyer’s range of toys has something for everyone, even you and your girlfriend who cannot agree on where to order delivery from even after three years living in the same apartment. The flexible Multi Funn offers all kinds of stimulation for all kinds of bodies; the separate motors and controls mean there are a ton of options for you and a partner — up to 100 combinations! The Satisfyer Couples has the beloved air pressure wave suction sensation of the Satisfyer Pro along with an internal vibrating arm — designed to leave room for a partner to penetrate too. Both have more options for combinations of sensation than you’ll know what to do with, and you’re guaranteed to find something that works for both of you.

Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off one item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are noted in the post.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Valentine’s Day Cards For Queer Women, Pt. 2

(Sorry x2)

Kristen Kish’s New Cookbook Helped Me Wine and Dine My Valentine and So Can You

Kristen Kish, winner of Top Chef Season 10, is back on the scene with her perfect hair and culinary skills that make lesbian knees weak worldwide to woo us all with her new cookbook: Kristen Kish Cooking: Recipes and Techniques. This is Kish’s debut cookbook and every recipe in here is genius. I’m in love, which is why I decided to make a three-course Valentine’s day meal based solely on recipes from this book and write about in hopes that you will do the same!

Last month I was doing my usual walk through the cooking section of the bookstore pining over all the cookbooks I aspire to one day own when this caught my eye.

Have you ever been turned on by a cookbook cover? It’s wild. Naturally my little femme heart couldn’t help itself. I snatched the book off the shelf and flipped through the pages to see what this gorgeous book of recipes had inside, and figure out whether or not I could actually successfully cook any of it. This is always my struggle with books written by professionally trained chefs; I want to buy them so desperately but the skill level required to recreate their culinary masterpieces far exceeds my abilities, so I inevitably place the book back on the shelf in defeat. I’ll be honest, I was prepared to buy this book for the photos of Kristen Kish alone even if it was out of my league. But as I scanned, I realized that Kish had done what so few chefs before her have and made her recipes complex yet totally accessible to home cooks. This made me very, very excited, especially given the approach of Valentine’s day and my desire to make a fancy meal for my girlfriend and I to celebrate at home. What better way to avoid getting caught up in cupid’s restaurant shuffle but still honor our super queer love than with a three course meal curated from a celesbian of color’s cookbook!

After Kish’s heartfelt introduction about her life and the events that brought her to her career and writing this book (that had me in tears), I moved on to the glossary. Here Kish explains very clearly every fancy culinary term and technique used in the book, covering not only what they mean but how to execute them so that nothing goes over your head. I cannot express enough how useful and approachable this is! After reading it, all my fears of jumping into a recipe and ending up with an epic failure were erased. On top of the glossary, there are also notes throughout the book on recipes that call for artisan ingredients that may be hard to find, and recommend substitutions if you can’t find them. Now feeling confident in the book and my cooking abilities, I made my menu, gathered my ingredients and got started with the first recipe: an epic tomato salad with wild poppy vinegar, orange oil, and garlic caramel. Hell yes.

This was hands down the best tomato anything I have ever eaten. The orange oil was out of this world. I want to put it on every salad ever. I did mess up the caramel because I didn’t have a pan small enough to make it without everything evaporating too quickly. I ended up with what I’d like to call a roasted garlic paste instead, but IT WAS STILL DELICIOUS. I also couldn’t find wild poppy vinegar so used a suggested substitution. After my girlfriend, Tara, took a bite she just said “oh damn” then immediately went in for more. She followed that up with “this garlic goo is SO GOOD.” That’s a win. I am going to make this every week when tomato season rolls back around.

For the main course I chose a recipe for fried chicken thighs with a honey & chile glaze served over labneh, a thick creamy yogurt, drizzled with more chile oil.

This recipe caused all manners to fly out the window. Tara took one bite then picked up her chicken thigh and ate it with her hands like it was a leg. When I looked up she was licking her fingers and I was jealous so followed suit. She couldn’t say anything besides “oh my god” for a few minutes and then went on a very long very adorable rant that started off about how crazy delicious the chicken was and a request to put the sauce on everything, but ended with her admission of now having a giant crush on Kristen Kish, wanting to meet her, gushing about how cute she is, then asking about her height. Fair warning, if you make this chicken for someone you like or love, they may fall in love with Kristen Kish instead. It’s that good. I couldn’t blame her cause I was falling hard too. The flavor combinations in these recipes will make you feel things that cupid can’t possibly compete with.

Despite being incredibly and happily full at this point, we still had the dessert round: sour cream cake with pecan crumble topping.

When I pulled this out of the oven Tara audibly gasped and said “what is that!” I then had to bat her away from cake while it cooled because she kept pulling pieces off then closing her eyes and nodding her head in a “yes” motion or moaning then saying “I really, really like this.” I really really liked it too. It’s buttery and light and melts in your mouth, and the pecans and caramelized sugar on top just take it over the edge. This cake is dangerously delicious. I will not admit how much of it we ate, but I will say I started making a second cake before the first one was gone. I regret nothing. Not pictured because I forgot to add it to the photos in all the food induced bliss is a malted whipped cream that goes on top. I almost fainted when I tasted it. Do I really need to say more? Go get this book, make everything in it, and proudly display your new membership to the Kristen Kish fan club this Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day Sex Toy Gift Guide For Even Hotter Lesbian Sex, If You Can Believe It

This post is sponsored by Eve’s Toys.

Sometimes Valentine’s Day is a patriarchal capitalist scam full of vomit-inducing pink and white and red and weird candy and hearts for no reason and sometimes you just want to eat some candy hearts and buy balloons and make out and unironically get into it. We’re here, we’re queer, we deserve it, right?

Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off 1 item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are marked with an asterisk, with the discount noted beneath.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.

The We-Vibe Tango*

The WeVibe Tango Bullet Vibrator or the Adam and Eve Love Bullet

The We-Vibe Tango is the rumbliest bullet vibrator out there, period. It’s made of hard plastic, has a lipstick shape that’s perfect for targeted sensation, and rechargeable with a battery life of, in Autostraddle’s experience, about an hour.

Looking for a cheaper option or not sure if a bullet vibrator will be a good fit for you? The Adam & Eve Love Bullet is tiny and $9.95. It’s not rumbly or powerful like the We-Vibe Tango, but it’s a great option if you’re looking for something to fit into the pocket inside a harness or to carry with you on the go.

(Eligible for a 5% discount plus free shipping.)

The Satisfyer Penguin Pro*

Satisfier Penguin Pro Suction Toy

The Satisfyer Penguin Pro is an air-pressure-based toy that uses suction and light vibration to feel like it’s sucking your clit. Because it’s so targeted, it’s easy to combine with penetrative toys, fingers, or a partner’s body parts. Plus it looks like a dapper butch penguin. What’s not to like?

(Eligible for a 10% discount plus free shipping.)

The Pure Enrichment Peak Wand

The Pure Enrichment Peak Wand Vibrator

The Pure Enrichment Peak Wand is a light wand-style vibrator. It’s rechargeable with a battery life of up to two hours, waterproof so it’s easy to clean or take into the shower, and has seven vibration settings and a flexible head. It also comes with a velvet storage bag.

Radiant Gem Anal Plugs

Radiant Gem Butt Plugs

Radiant Gem Anal Plugs are a perfect pair for butt plug beginners. The smaller plug is 4″ in insertable length and .88″ in diameter, and the larger plug is 5″ in insertable length and 1.6″ in diameter. Make sure to warm up with your favorite foreplay, go slow, and use tons of lube — try Uberlube* (weirdly also a great hair gel and bike lubricant), or a thick water-based lube.

(Uberlube is eligible for a 30% discount plus free shipping.)

Crystal Kegel Eggs*

Crystal Kegel Eggs

These Crystal Kegel Eggs are a set of clear glass kegel eggs with pink swirls to help tone the pelvic floor. They’re 1.75″ long by 1″ wide, weigh 3.4 oz, and can be gently warmed or cooled in running water for a touch of temperature play. Wear them during masturbation, around the house, or even out in public.

(Eligible for a 20% discount plus free shipping.)

Scarlet Couture Bondage Cuffs

Scarlett Couture Bondage Cuffs or Bondage Tape

Try these Scarlet Couture Bondage Cuffs to restrain your girlfriend’s wrists or ankles (or one of each!) with black and red vegan leather. They’re super adjustable with Velcro strips so you don’t have to worry about losing the keys, and clip to each other with a secure D ring. Looking for something more versatile? Bondage tape is single-use tape that sticks only to itself and that’s easy to use as cuffs, a gag, a blindfold, or for more involved body restraint.

The Scarlet Diamond Whip

Scarlet Diamond Whip or Impressions Heart Crop or Heart Slapper

The Scarlet Diamond Whip is a red and black vegan leather flogger with 14-inches-long falls and a 6-inch-long woven black and red diamond handle with a loop for your wrist or for display. The weight of the vegan leather, the narrowness of the falls, and the number of falls make this flogger a little stingier than thuddier. For other impact toys that scream “I’m really into Valentine’s Day,” the Impressions Heart Crop is a vegan leather crop with a heart cutout; while the Impressions Heart Slapper is a flexible, light, hand-stitched leather slapper with three mini hearts.

Chain Me Up Kink Clamps

Chain Me Up Kink Clamps

The Chain Me Up Kink Clamps are a set of adjustable clamps connected by lengths of steel chain. The three clamps — two for nipples, one for genitals — are adjustable, to fit lots of sensation preferences, and rubber-tipped, so any marks you leave are intentional.

The Liberator Heart Wedge*

The Liberator Heart Wedge is sex furniture meant to make getting and staying into positions a lot easier. Try it under your butt for lower back support, under your stomach for easier doggy-style positioning, or in any way that feels good to you and your partners’ bodies. (It’s also weirdly great for reading in bed.) The washable velvety red microfiber cover keeps it from sliding around, and a waterproof liner keeps the sturdy foam core dry no matter how wet you get.

(Eligible for a 10% discount plus free shipping.)

Suntouched Massage Candles

Suntouched Massage Candles

Suntouched Massage Candles are scented candles, massage oil, and moisturizer all in one. Ignite one, and it melts from a solid candle at a lower burn temperature than a wax candle into massage oil composed of eight natural oils with vitamin E and a gentle fragrance. It also comes in a decorative tin to keep everything tidy. Light up and get down.

Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off 1 item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are marked with an asterisk, with the discount noted beneath.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Valentine’s Day Cards For Queer Women

(Sorry.)

A Color-Coded Valentine’s Day Sex Toy Gift Guide For Anyone

Welcome to the absolutely 100% definitive color-coded guide to what sex toy you should get your activity partners and friends for Valentine’s Day. Suggestions for your best friend, your girlfriend, your ex, the couple you want to proposition later, your just-dumped friend, your third date and dying alone below.

Red Sex Toys For Your Red Hot Activity Partner

Ahh red, color of stop lights, scissoring sweaters, and ripping your clothes off the moment you see each other whether or not it’s socially appropriate.

collage of the red sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Je Joue Ooh Classic Vibrator (don’t forget the motor, sold separately) | Bouncer Silicone Dildo | Candy Apple Wrist Restraints | New Wave Silicone Double Dildo | Iroha Mini | Spareparts Tomboi Harness | The Feminist Porn Book, edited by Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley and Mireille Miller-Young | Candy Apple Paddle | Iroha Plus

Turquoise Sex Toys For The Couple You Want To Bang

What do you get for the couple who has everything — except for you in their bed?

collage of the turquoise sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Eva Couple’s Clitoral Vibrator | Gem Pin | We-Vibe Sync | Stronic Drei | Minna Limon | Ooh Mini Pebble (don’t forget the motor, sold separately) | More Than Two: A Couple’s Guide to Ethical Polyamory, by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert | Mood Naughty 2 Butt Plug

Orange Sex Toys For Your Awkward Third Date

What do you get for your stay-in third date on February 14 because neither of you realized it was a Tuesday this year and once you did realize it it was too late to back out without making things even more awkward, and you already rescheduled once for “a migraine” and just aren’t flaky enough to do it again even though you wish you were? Something in a color that says, “I have a personality,” but not, “we should use this together forever until our five future cats tear it apart.”

collage of the orange sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Irona Mini | Sliquid Sizzle | High Five pin | Fun Factory Moody | Planet Pin | Ambiance Massage Candle | The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Gold Sex Toys For Your Ex

Honestly, you probably shouldn’t get your ex anything for Valentine’s Day, unless you want to fuck with them. Or dramatically win them back with a $3,000 vibrator! (Do not try to dramatically win them back with a $3,000 vibrator, or at all. Buy your own sex toys and live your own dreams.)

collage of the gold and yellow sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: 24kt Gold-Plated Crave Vesper | Je Joue Ooh Pebble Vibrator (don’t forget the motor, sold separately) | Leo Dildo | Twenty One Vibrating Diamond | Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls Who Dig Girls by Lindsay King-Miller | Crave Bullet Vibrator | Lelo Yva | Desir Metallique Handcuffs | Gal Pal Golden Heather Hooded Sweatshirt

Purple Sex Toys For Your Best Friend

Celebrate the joys of platonic friendship this Galentine’s Day with a vibrator shaped like an emoji.

collage of the purple sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Sliquid Silk | Je Joue Ami Kegel Balls | Lelo Siri 2 | We-Vibe Rave | Emojibator Eggplant Vibrator | Fun Factory Tiger G5 | Tantus Ripple |  Best Lesbian Erotica 2009, edited by Tristan Taormino (or this year’s Best Lesbian Erotica, edited by Rachel Windsor)

Green Sex Toys For The Newly Uncoupled

For the friend who could’ve had it all and now — whether consciously uncoupling, finally leaving or recently dumped — just can’t stop quoting Adele. For bonus points, make a comment about how green can help to heal the heart chakra in your card.

collage of the green sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Spectral Glass Dildo | Sliquid Swirl Green Apple lube | Womanizer W500 clitoral stimulator | Good Clean Love lube | The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (or The New Bottoming Book by the same authors, or both, as relevant) | Cayona Vibrator | Lime Teaser Mini Smoothie Vibrator | Patchy Paul G5 vibrator | Tiny Tent enamel pin

Pink Sex Toys For Someone Who Actually Likes Pink Sex Toys

Takes all sorts.

collage of the pastel pink sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Devices of Desire pocket rocket vibrator | Cayona Vibrator | Pink Silicone Lube | Toy 5 Dildo by Wet for Her | Pink Palm Springs Wall Enamel Pin | Oh Joy Sex Toy, Volume 1, by Erika Moen | Sex Kitten Adjustable Gator Nipple Clamps | Octopussy Glass Dildo |
Crash Pad Series subscription

Black Sex Toys For Dying Alone

Get that person who’s convinced they’re dying alone (we all die alone) toys they can use by themselves now or with a partner after life proves them wrong.

collage of the below black-colored list items

Roughly clockwise: Sliquid Studio Silver Silicone Lubricant | Bootie Silicone Butt Plug | Lelo Nea 2 | Mis Pin | Mystic Wand Rechargeable Vibrator | Bijoux Maze H Body Harness | Black Line Tiger Vibrator | Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch/Femme Erotica, edited by Tristan Taormino

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