7 Kitchen Gadgets For Lazy Cooks Who Crave Home Cooked Meals
I hate cooking, but I love to eat!
Something you should know about my queer household is that no one is “the cook.” No one here likes to cook or bake. No one here is particularly good at cooking or baking. No one here is working on a sourdough recipe. No one has cultivated a super-secret sauce recipe. I suppose I like the art of cooking when all other conditions are ideal, when I can get lost in the process, but getting that kind of cool-quiet, hot-tea-sipping, long-noon-stretching day is a rarity. And when I get those days, I prefer to fill them with travel, tv binges, family time, and naps. So does my spouse.
That said, we all have to eat and we all feel better in our bodies when we’re not living on fast food morning, noon, and night. Plus, I feel some sort of obligation to get healthy-ish food into our kiddo. Here are some kitchen gadgets, big and small, that help me muddle through putting a hot meal on the table.
1. Avocado Slicer
Whenever I see a professional chef whack into the center of an avocado to remove the pit, I cringe. Call me lazy if you want. I agree with you.
This is one of those random-ass gadgets I saw online that seemed really unnecessary, but I actually use very frequently. I’m really happy for the investment in not worrying about cutting myself with a knife while holding a slippery avocado.
2. Ninja Foodi 9-in-1 Pressure Cooker & Air Fryer
This one is a splurge, but, but it will replace several other appliances that lazy cooks rely on. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law had one of these and when our old inexpensive air fryer (a lazy cook staple appliance) was dying, we decided to get the Ninja Foodi 9-in-1 for our house. The biggest drawback is that this baby is big and doesn’t fit under all cabinets. Measure before you buy. However, we were able to massively downsize and donate our Instant Pot, slow cooker, rice cooker, and steamer, and replace the air fryer. Do we have too many appliances? I don’t know, probably — we’ve acquired them over almost seventeen years of living together, though, so cut us some slack.
So anyway, the Ninja Foodi 9-in-1 is a genius solution for lazy cooking. You can use it to cook fresh or frozen proteins, carbs, and veggies instead of baking them in the oven, in a fraction of the time. By combining a pressure cooker and air fryer in one appliance, you can pressure cook your proteins to get a moist, tender cook and then switch to the air fryer to get a crispy crust, without dirtying additional pans. You can also use the Ninja Foodi the same way you’d use a pressure cooker or slow cooker for stews, rice, making everything from cakes to hard-boiled eggs. And you can use the air fryer function to cook up all your favorite air fryer recipes. The inside cook bowl is extremely easy to remove and clean.
If the Ninja Foodi 9-in-1 is way outside of your price range, and you have a little extra to spend on kitchen gadgetry, I’d suggest lazy cooks get an air fryer. You can get an air fryer for about $40. They’re incredibly easy to use and let you eat healthier, with much less prep and clean-up time.
3. Wooden and Silicone Cooking Utensils
One of my favorite pastimes is melting plastic cooking utensils by leaving them sitting on the edge of the pot or overheating metal utensils using the same method. Wooden utensils have saved my cookware and give me the freedom to not give a fuck if I leave a spoon in the pot. Wood and silicone are also easy to clean and last a long time. The only downside is that the wooden spoons sometimes pick up stains, but I literally do not care.
4. Handheld Immersion Blender
Do you need to blend or whip some shit? Do you have a fancy Kitchenaid stand mixer or a fancy blender with fancy attachments? Additional question, do you want to take out, set up, use, and clean your fancy blender or stand mixer? I thought not.
How about an immersion blender to do small batches of blending and mixing? You can use this to blend soups, smooth salsas, and anything else. You can use the mixer attachment to whip up frosting or whipped cream, beat eggs and make meringues. All in the pot or bowl in which you’re already mixing or cooking! Fewer dishes to wash, more home-cooked tastiness and you can throw the attachments in the dishwasher if you have one or just dip them into soapy sink water and give them a spin to get them clean.
5. Garlic Peeler and Press
I know, this looks like something you’d buy off of an infomercial. But please, stay with me.
This kitchen tool makes it so much easier to cook with fresh garlic. Learn knife skills, KaeLyn. Be less lazy, KaeLyn. I know, I know, but I am who I am. The garlic peeler alone is worth it–such a time saver versus peeling garlic by hand. Especially if you don’t want to smash the garlic with the side of a large knife for the recipe, which is the only other lazy way to peel it. The silicone pulls the peel off the garlic without smooshing it. Then you can use this tool as a garlic press, but better — because you don’t lose any garlic at all. This does create slightly more dishes than the cutting board/knife method, but it’s a small amount, and this stores in tight spaces. If the garlic press part doesn’t appeal to you, I’d still suggest getting the little silicone garlic peeler thing. You can get them alone for a few bucks.
6. Pot with Straining Lid and Lock
You may be noticing a theme here and that theme is that I love an opportunity to wash fewer dishes. May I introduce to your life, the pot with a strainer built into the lid?
There are many versions of this pot, but I’m telling you right now that you need one, with a lid lock ideally, like this one here. No need to use a strainer when making pasta. Or potatoes. Or, like, I don’t know, Kraft mac or whatever you’re making that requires you to boil water and then drain the water. This seems like a small thing, but it will change your life and also prevent scalding hot water burns while you’re trying to juggle a full pot of boiling water and a strainer.
7. Hello Fresh Meal Kits
Let me level with you. A major part of my kitchen laziness is just generally feeling uninspired and not wanting to make or clean a bunch of dishes.
My challenge with meal kits in the past has been–you guessed it–the number of dishes some of them create and the amount of prep work and just, like, the time I want back even when everything is portioned out for me. I have also found that I don’t need elaborate recipes. I gain nothing by learning to make a bechamel from scratch. It’s interesting, but I’m just not the type of person who’s going to be spending my precious time making a bechamel when I can…not do that.
Some meal kit companies have figured out that there’s a target market in busy cooks who don’t have time to cut a million vegetables up but still want fresh food. Hello Fresh now has 20-minute meals on the menu every week and you can easily adjust the number of meals you receive, pick your own menu items, and skip a week, pause, or cancel your account at any time. It’s definitely worth it to try one of the 20-minute or one-pan meal kits if you are a lazy home cook who’s feeling completely uninspired in the kitchen.
A Lazy Femme Guide To Staying Cute With Minimal Effort
I change up my signature look about once a decade.
In my teens, I took the dramatic step of lobbing off my long hair for a bisexual bob and I didn’t leave the house without foundation and a swipe of subtle brown eyeliner. During my senior year of college, I converted to a stacked inverted bob that was very short in the back and my standard makeup look was shimmery white and purple eyeshadows and navy blue eyeliner all around my eyes. In my early 30’s, I kept the bob-length hair on top and got an undercut all the way around my head and I switched to a dramatic cat eye with black gel liner with red, red lipstick. In these pandemic times, I’m currently working on an undercut grow-out and my pandemic makeup look is centered on a bold lip and fast-and-easy products that look good enough for Zoom.
I’ve been some version of femme for as long as I remember, whether I called it “just being a typical feminine 90’s teen girl a la Seventeen magazine inspiration” or my queer power femme era in college or my current hard femme, lazy femme aesthetic. These days, the faster I can get through my routine, the better. I’m working full-time. I’m chasing a small kid around. I’m generally doing too many things at once and I’m probably carrying my phone in my hand in some poorly executed attempt to multitask. And I like to look cute doing it–not just for Zoom, for myself! And I like to be pampered, but with limited time, I’m all about products and routines that work with my busy schedule. I’m obviously not lazy, but if lazy femme is the antithesis to high femme, I’m very much that.
Here are some of my favorite daily products and must-haves that help me get through a busy day, affirm my hard femme heart, and fit easily into my super-charged lazy femme lifestyle.
Ultra Aesthetics MSM Facial Wash
This face wash! It smells great, a light citrusy-ish scent. It foams up and deep cleans, but is gentle enough for daily use. It’s super hippy-dippy. I originally found it at a natural food store. It has no sulfates, parabens, alcohol, chemicals, is cruelty-free, non-GMO, made with organic pixie dust, etc. This works great for my combination skin and keeps acne at bay. I swear it makes my skin look brighter and slightly diminishes acne scars, too. You also only need a bit per use. One bottle lasts me about 150 days of twice-daily use. I’ve been using this face wash or some version of it for over a decade! It’s tried and true.
SeoulCeuticals Snail Repair Cream
I’m not saying this cream is going to change your life, but I’m not not saying that either. This cream works wonders on my combination skin. It’s not greasy, it absorbs quickly, and it leaves your skin looking plump and fresh with a little hint of glow. I can’t get over it and while it’s a bit of a splurge, it delivers high-end K-beauty results at an accessible price point. I was using a face cream that was twice as expensive before I found this one! You also don’t need to use a lot so one 2 oz jar lasts a long time. It’s the perfect day cream and I can’t get over how good it feels on my skin!
Yes, snail mucin is a main ingredient and I’m a believer! It supposedly helps with wrinkles and fine lines, improves cell renewal, and stimulates collagen production. I dunno if all of that is true but my face looks amazing. Seriously, I get compliments on my skin all the time and (to my chagrin) people regularly assume I’m in my twenties (so annoying), not close to 40. SeoulCeuticals is based in the U.S. and uses cruelty-free practices to source their snail mucin, according to their website. They also say all their products are vegan and as a former vegan, I feel like the snail mucin part makes it not vegan. But either way, it’s good for your skin and it isn’t harvested in a way that hurts the snails.
stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner
When it comes to wearing eyeliner, I’m definitely a go big or go home kind of gal. If you’re not going to have fun with it, why do it? Do you want a super dramatic cat eye? You need liquid or gel liner.
Stila makes the absolute best waterproof liquid liner in a marker on the market. I used to mess around with gel liner in the little pots, but I don’t have time for that anymore. I want the precision and the intense black that gel gives with the time-saving factor of a felt-tip liquid liner, and this stila liner doesn’t disappoint. It comes in two tip sizes, regular and microtip, and you can get it in a dual-ended version that has both tips for a slightly higher price point. It comes in six classic liner shades; I’m partial to jet black. It dries matte with just a hint of sheen and it really does stay on all day. This isn’t the most waterproof liner out there, but it resists melting due to sweat, rain, tears, etc. It even stays put if you put it on without any base. That said, it comes off fairly easily with regular soap and water or if you rub it hard with water, which I actually prefer. I don’t like messing around with eye makeup remover. I don’t appreciate extra steps in my nighttime routine!
NYX Professional Makeup HD Studio Finishing Loose Translucent Powder
I don’t wear foundation. I hate the way it feels on my skin and you can’t convince me otherwise. So I don’t use this “finishing powder” as finishing powder, I use it as my base over my lotion. I use a teeny amount, applied with a very fluffy brush. Sometimes I just do a sweep of this powder over my eyes to lay down a base for my eye makeup. I have no idea how it performs as a finishing powder, but it’s perfectly translucent and light as a base for my very lazy femme typical makeup look (this powder, a little eyeshadow, cat eyeliner, lightly fill in brows with a pencil, liquid lipstick, DONE). It’s not the most luxurious ever. It smells a little like… well, like loose powder smells if you don’t add any fragrance to it. But it works. And that works for me!
Natural Tea Tree Oil
Friend, I ask you, what can’t tea tree oil do? I have hidradenitis suppurativa and found my way to tea tree oil as a homeopathic remedy for my flare-ups. It’s naturally antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory, and anti-fungal. I use it almost daily for just general refreshing of my skin and to treat any breakouts or blemishes. Fuck salicylic acid. Try tea tree oil. Dilute it with water and use as it a toner. Mix it with a carrier like coconut oil and use it as a salve. Dilute some and use it to freshen up your stinky bits after the gym or on days when you can’t shower. It’s naturally good at killing bacteria! It has a fresh herbal smell! You can even make your own deodorant out of it. I will not be making my own deodorant because I’m busy and lazy, but I use a deodorant that someone else has made in a factory that has tea tree oil as the main ingredient!
That said, your mileage may vary. It can irritate more sensitive skin because it’s very potent. Waffle, my spouse, actually hates the smell and it has been known to cause occasional marital disputes when I use a lot of it. I will never give up my tea tree oil, though. It’s a must-have!
Sinful Colors Sinful Shine with Gel Tech Nail Polish
When it comes to nail polish, I’m too busy to go get my nails done and I work from home so it just seems excessive to go out and do it. But I love fun colors! A theme in my life, truly. And I’m a parent, so I’m hard on my nails between baths and dishes and constantly cleaning things up. I’ve tried a whole range of home gel polishes because I love a shiny topcoat and long wear, but I don’t want or have time for an actual gel manicure. This is my current favorite home gel polish. It’s not a true gel. It doesn’t require UV light. It stays on for an absurdly long time, requires just two coats of the step 1 polish plus one coat of step 2 topcoat, and dries super fast. The quick dry time is sooooo important to me! It dries so fast that I use it when my wiggly kid wants me to paint her nails. It lasts for several days without chipping and then wears fairly slowly. You remove it with regular nail polish remover and don’t need to soak or scrape.
The Gel Tech polish from this drug store brand is particularly good. I pick some up whenever I see it at the grocery store! The topcoat is fast drying, which also means it starts to get tacky and dried out when you’re about halfway through the bottle, but it’s so inexpensive that it’s not a problem. Plus, I rarely leave my house these days, so if I have some bubbles in my topcoat, who’s going to know?
Kiss imPRESS Press-On Nails
When I don’t have the time or patience to even paint my nails with a quick-dry topcoat, or when I’ve fallen into my old habit of biting my nails, enter drug store press-on nails. Kiss imPress is my current favorite and I have a box floating around most of the time. Their patented Super Hold Adhesive is really just super sticky gooey rubber cement-like glue stuff, but it works and it’s already on the nail so you just have to peel and stick onto your natural nail! I can wear these for a few days without losing them, even while doing the dishes or taking a shower.
I looooove that they come in a short length and I sometimes cut them down even shorter. One box will usually get me through two full manicures because they come with 30 nails. Your ability to use up the extra nails may vary based on how many of the included sizes work for you. They look real, in my opinion, and I love how easy they are to put on and maintain!
Sephora Cream Lip Stain Liquid Lipstick
“01 Always Red.”
That’s what I tell people when they want to know what lipstick I’m wearing. This shade and this liquid matte lipstick is the one I wear most often. It’s a perfectly balanced red that looks good on any shade of skin. I love Sephora’s lip stain, in particular. It’s not completely smudge-proof, but it also isn’t drying or uncomfortable. In fact, my lips don’t dry out even if I wear the lip stain all day and reapply it. For a non-drying lip stain, it stays on well. It doesn’t bleed or feather. I have this lip stain in about a dozen bright matte colors and am always adding more. The metallics are beautiful, too!
Maybelline SuperStay Matte Ink Liquid Lipstick
Want a lipstick that really is mask-proof? That won’t come off no matter what you do until you either scrub your lips raw or use a strong makeup remover? This isn’t a lazy femme option for me, it’s an affordable mask-proof option and I reach for it on the odd occasion that I go out. No other liquid lipstick stays like this one, no matter the price point. You could go swimming in this lipstick and it wouldn’t budge. There are so many pretty, saturated matte colors to collect. In fact, I need more!
I DEW CARE Space Kitten Exfoliating Galactic Black Peel Off Mask
THIS MASK HAS HOLOGRAPHIC GLITTER. I love the emotional release of a good peel-off mask. I also love putting on a mask because I can slap it on quickly, go about my business getting myself and my kid ready for the day, and multitask easily while it dries. I got this one originally as a sample with a bunch of other I DEW CARE masks. It’s worth buying the full size! It has charcoal, which helps draw impurities out of your skin and clear blackheads and clogged pores. It’s a peel-off, but it doesn’t hurt or pull your skin too much. I’ve tried (and actually like to use, occasionally, because I’m a beauty masochist) the super-strong charcoal peel-off masks that leave your face gutted. This one gets some gunk out, but isn’t painful or damaging to your skin. Plus, also, did I mention the holographic glitter?!
If charcoal is too drying for you and you’re looking for a moisturizing mask instead or you want to look like a queer intergalactic space traveler, try the I DEW CARE Sugar Kitten mask. They both feel and smell great and are so much fun!
Sunday Riley A+ High-Dose Retinol Serum
I got a sample size of this when I did a brief subscription to Sephora’s Play subscription box. This serum was a real standout and they recommend using two pumps on the label, but I only need a little pump to cover my face, so this investment bottle lasts a long time. I like to rub it in at night after I wash my face once or twice per week. It’s silky, lightly pigmented, and absorbs quickly and it leaves my skin totally refreshed and glowing in the morning. Sometimes I put my SeoulCeuticals snail repair cream on top and sometimes I just go to bed with this retinol serum. It has a high dose of retinol and blue-green algae, Hawaiian white honey, cactus, and ginger, and other things that soothe the skin. I’m obsessed!
Dr. Dennis Gross Skincare Alpha Beta Extra Strength Daily Peel
I’m saving the most controversial and luxurious for last. Now, I want to be clear that I welcome getting older. I love the wisdom and lack of fucks that come with each passing year. I love my silvery grey hair. I can’t wait to turn 40! All that said, I also love this at-home chemical peel system! It blasts any fun adult acne. It helps me control the blackheads I get on my nose and shrink those pores. It just makes my skin look and feel healthy and I can’t recommend it enough. This is a two-part system. The chemical peel solution comes in little individually packaged sets of wipes. You use the first wipe, let it sit for one minute, then use the second wipe. I use the extra strength daily peel, but they make less strong versions for more sensitive skin.
I like the sensation of the peel–it stings a little at first. It’s first-rate beauty masochism with almost immediately visible results. It really hits all the buttons for me, personally! If that sounds like an unpleasant experience for you, I think you should probably pass on this one. The results are great, but not so dramatic that it’s worth being uncomfortable. If you’ve been thinking of trying an at-home chemical peel or if you like a slight burning sensation that feels very productive on your face, this is the one to get! It’s a huge splurge; some people cut up the pads and put them in ziplock bags, using only half pads to get two treatments out of each peel set. I do it every few days instead of every day, which makes the investment last longer!
Buy it: $88 (You can try a travel size for $17)
Let me know if you try any of these or have any of your own recommendations for my lazy femme lifestyle! I love trying new products, especially beauty products that give good results and don’t take too much time or effort!
This Shit Rules: Damage Control
“This Shit Rules” is a beauty column where staff people list the items they can’t live without – the makeup, beauty products, and other shit we use every morning, before we go to bed, or in the car on the way to work.
Once every few years, I get tired of dealing with my curls. A little blow-out can give me a break from the fussing and futzing with out-of-place corkscrews or lopsided bed-head. So I took a little trip to my local Dominican salon to get a wash n’ blow. Now, I’m normally very, very, very particular about what I put in my hair, but I’ve had my hair blown out at this Dominican salon before, and I figured one little shampoo and condition with Suave or whatever they use couldn’t hurt. Whoo boy was I wrong. When the lady was done wrapping up my newly straightened locks I could not believe how incredibly straight she got it to look. Nobody has ever gotten my hair to be so damn straight and silky. It wasn’t until all of my hair was falling out in the shower a week later that I realized something had gone horribly awry.
A hairstylist friend informed me that they must have put a keratin treatment in the conditioner, which, when used with heat, bonds to the hair and basically murders it. Looks great straight, looks like straw when you wash it out. I was mortified. I immediately ran to Ricky’s to stock up on every organic deep conditioning treatment they had on the shelves. In the name of protecting your hair from damage and your pockets from the exorbitant sums of cash I spent trying to find the perfect product, here are the four that actually worked. All of the products listed here are free from parabens and sulfates, which are apparently very bad for curly hair or at least my stylist says so and that’s good enough for me.
Carol’s Daughter Monoi Oil Repairing Conditioner
I really couldn’t tell you what monoi oil is, but I like to imagine it is suckled from the nipples of woodland nymphs, because more than anything else I used, this conditioner got my hair feeling better than normal right quick. They also make a deep conditioner and a leave-in solution, but given how effective just this one product is, and the steep cost, I’d say skip the other stuff. And? It smells like dewdrops and rainbows.
image via Curlmart
DevaCurl Heaven in Hair
I never realized how much this shit rules until I really needed it. If you’re dealing with really terrible damage and need some extra help taming your rats nest, I wholeheartedly endorse this product. All of the Deva products are high quality, but they are also mega expensive (as are most products marketed toward curly-haired and “ethnic” women, but that’s another article for another time). Get a small 8oz. tub for occasional emergencies and try not to break it out unless you really need it.
image via Ulta
Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie
Once you’re out of the shower and you’ve glooped your hair full of enough moisturizers to re-hydrate the state of California, you can squeeze the water out of your hair and run some of this stuff through it. Of all the leave-ins in all the land, this is the least “crunchy,” meaning that when your hair dries it won’t feel like it’s encased in a layer of ice. The coconut hibiscus smell is a little too saccharine for my taste but it doesn’t stop me from using this product every. single. day.
image via Amazon
Carol’s Daughter Mimosa Hair Honey
This one isn’t for everybody. It smells so amazing you might be tempted to dump the whole canister on your head but BEWARE! It scoops out like a pomade, but then sort of melts onto your hair as it dries. It is very very oily. I recommend it only to smooth frizz and add a little extra shine on days when your hair is feeling extra dry or damaged. Try to keep it away from your hairline. Also you may find yourself trailed by a rabble of bees. This has literally happened to me a lot of times and I honestly don’t know what to do about it.
image via Amazon
4 Vivid Lipsticks I’ve Known and Loved
I’ve never been one for much makeup. The idea of foundation, primer, blush, eye shadow, eyeliner, et al. typically makes me feel a bit exhausted and very incompetent. But that doesn’t mean my makeup bag lies completely empty. Easy to apply and visually very effective, I’m a sucker for a great lip color. I know how to color within the (lip) lines, skill be damned! If it’s bright, deeply pigmented and under $10, I’ll usually give it a spin. I’ve often struggled to find colors that even show up on POCs with darker skin tones. After searching high and low for quality formulas in current colors, I’ve gathered some of my personal favourite inexpensive lippies. Reap the benefits of my quest.
Milani Color Statement Lipstick in Uptown Mauve
Since Milani doesn’t widely retail in Canada, this tube was a bit of a wildcard. I picked it up on a recent jaunt to the States, and I was delighted at how bright it looks on me. I’m always trippin’ off that purp (lipstick), and the bright fuschia falls right into the range of pinky purply hues that I tend to sport. It smells like a yummy candy, which some may find off putting but didn’t bother me much. The wear throughout the day was good, but could use a lip liner underneath. However, the price point and color were enough to sway me into trying more from Milani.
Revlon Colorburst Matte Balm in Shameless
I bought this shade on a whim, expecting it to be drying and lackluster like several other matte lip colors I’ve tried. Alas! I was 100% wrong. The formulation makes for a smooth (not to mention minty) finish, and holds up decently through my day. Despite being matte, it is oddly moisturizing… not certain how they pulled that one off, but I’m sold. Also the applicator is a fun crayon shape, so there’s that.
N.Y.C. Ultra Moist Lip Wear in Mahogany
This is the most inexpensive of the bunch, and the color payoff is quite surprising. I bought the tube thinkin’ that it would be too subtle on my deep skin tone, but it turned out to be a deliciously 90’s vampy tone. I like to imagine that Beyonce would have worn it circa Bills, Bills, Bills (probably because I like to imagine I am Beyonce). I cheated a little with the color since I’ve got a matching lip liner so the wear was longer lasting than if it had been flyin’ solo. I will say it held up decently through a few smooch and a bite to eat, so it has the Lydia stamp of approval.
Just a note: to make your lipstick last longer and apply more evenly, I recommend making sure that your lips are properly moisturized beforehand. If you want to make some balm of your own, we’ve got you!
NYX Glam Lip Gloss Aqua Luxe in Disco Playground
This shade is made for any time you want to feel F-A-N-C-Y. Not since my forays into shiny Bonne Bell glosses have I fallen so hard for something with so much sheen. Non-sticky and gleamin’ with golden bits, it would look just as nice over a bright lip color. This glitzy tube held up during many a kiss, and is a guaranteed head turner. Long-lasting and fun, just how I like it!
This is just a shortlist; I could wax poetic about the Revlon balms for days… What about you? Any richly pigmented drugstore finds you would like to share with the Straddleverse?
This Shit Rules: Loverboi Fresh
Hello fancy dandelions, hope the world is treating you well. And if it isn’t, I hope that you’re treating yourself so fkn good that the world is jealous.
This is my first post about beauty thangs ’cause I’m a pretty low-maintenance kind of weirdo. I’m like a five-minute shower, shake my jeans off the floor, scrape the last bits of deodorant from that plastic applicator thing and rub it under my arms type of kid. Not like if I’m going on a date or to work, but like if I’m just running errands, I’m not putting more than ten minutes into getting it together, feel me?
However, I’ve found myself in a relationship with a crafty little human who makes wonderful things. And without even realizing it, I’ve gathered an array of her homemade products and some very necessary queer/hippie extras that keep me feeling so fresh and so clean clean. Now I get to share that stuff with you and we’ll all be fresh together and the world will be so mad.
PS: I get most of this stuff for free cuz I’m the gf. But since I love y’all and wanna hook it up, if you buy anything from my girl’s Etsy page, use the codeword Loverboi for a 20% discount.
Coffee ‘n Peppermint Face Scrub
Yo, no lie, my skin is good to me. It’s not blotchy and I’m not prone to breaks outs. BUT it’s sensitive af, so I don’t normally use anything but plain old soap to wash it. And I have one of those strawberry noses which is a cute way to say that my nose is covered in mini-blackheads and I’ve never known what to do about them but hope other people can’t see them.
So I tried this wonderful homemade face scrub and it’s the best thing ever. It’s literally coffee, sugar, and peppermint essential oil which is basically like a candy cane double shot latte for your face.
And something about the coffee grounds and the peppermint oil working together makes my face feel like it’s super clean and wide awake. Every other week, I’m scrubbing like a fiend.
Pro-tip: Be gentle when you rub it on your face because the coffee grounds are a little rough.
Coffee Break – One 4oz Jar $5.00
Easy, Wheezy! (Hippie Vicks Vaporub)
I’ve got some wicked asthma. Last winter, before I was put on the proper asthma meds, I’d wake up in the middle of the night wheezing and choking, unable to breathe for almost an hour at a time. It was hell and it worried my girlfriend and Lizz Rubin, my favorite almost doctor. After a month of wheezy nights, my girlfriend set out to make a healing salve cuz obvs she’s a witch and wanted to heal me.
The first time she rubbed it on my chest, the wheezing stopped within a few minutes and my whole body calmed down. It reminds me of the Vicks Vaporub my momma used to rub on me as a kid but minus the eye-watering chemicals.
Easy, Wheezy! not only alleviates the burning and whistling in my lungs, it calms me down and puts me to sleep. I think she loves me, y’all.
Easy, Wheezy! – One 2oz Tin $6.00
Cocoa Butter Lip Balm
This winter was murder on my bembas. They were dry, peeling, and angry at me for never having things like lip balm in my pockets. My lips even cracked at the corners and that’s what broke me. As I was leaving for work, I dipped into my girl’s stash of hippie stuff, found a tube that looked like lip balm and prayed for the best.
The lip balm I snatched was on point.
It rubs on smooth like chocolate and tastes like chocolate but it works like real lip balm. Immediately my lips were cool and they healed up fast. Also, they were a million times more kissable, so… yeah. You want this lip balm in yer pocket and on yo lips.
Cocoa Butter Lip Balm – One .15 oz tube $3.00
Formidable Formula Deodorant
At first, I wasn’t too down with hippie deodorant. Something about it made me think I’d just be wet and stinky all day and have to rub tea tree oil all over myself just to cover up the funk. But I watched my girl rub the stuff she made under her arms and she didn’t ever stink, not even after going to the gym. I thought she’s either a super witch or maybe her hippie deodorant actually works. Both are likely tho.
She made me a batch cuz she was sure that the aluminum in my Dove deodorant would kill me faster than as asthma attack and so I gave in and I’m a believer. I even help her make it sometimes.
Don’t ever confuse lye for coconut oil.
Formidable Formula Deoderant – One 4oz jar $8.00
Lavender ‘n Honey Soap
This soap is sweet. It smells good, is all natural, and doesn’t dry out my skin. Also, it’s made with tea leaves and this gives the soap an exfoliating quality. I’ve definitely rubbed it on my bum to get rid of dry skin. It’s cool. I trust you guise to keep that between us.
Note: This product currently isn’t for sale on her Etsy page but if you make a request because of this post, she’ll make some just for you!
Nature’s Blessings Pomade
Khane Khutzwell, one of the most talented queer barbers out in Brooklyn, put me on to this hair pomade almost three years ago and I haven’t used another product in my hair since.
shape up at Khane’s
It doesn’t crust up or make my hair stiff. It leaves my curls shiny and gives them some much needed body. It also gives me a natural look whereas regular gel has often left me feeling like a Gotti Boy.
Also, how can you not love a product that lists ‘good intentions’ as one of its ingredients?
This product isn’t made by my, gf btw. Go see Khane Khutzwell in Brooklyn or order it online from Mystic Essence.
Nature’s Blessing – One 4oz Jar $3.50
This Shit Rules: My Skin Is Sensitive and My Hair Doesn’t Make Sense
I have thin skin — literally, and metaphorically. I’m not sure which of my many medical conditions have caused this situation. I’d initially blamed the steroid-based eczema cream I lathered generously on my shins and elbows throughout adolescence, but I recently bonded with a friend who, like me, has fibromyalgia, and we seemed to share many of the same skin problems. Who knows why I’m unable to scratch my dry legs without scarring for weeks while everybody else claws away with abandon? The world is full of mystery, and everything I do leaves a mark.
I’ve also been blessed with a bloodhound-esque sense of smell, and the ways in which I ensure everything around me smells like paradise has already been documented in Top Ten Products For Human Bloodhounds Who Need Everything To Smell Good. Today I will be discussing other items that I require to deal with my half-Jewish hair, my super-sensitive skin, and the fact that Margot Tennenbaum is my fashion icon.
Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser
This shit truly does rule and is particularly useful for not disrupting your ph or whatever. When traveling, it doubles as face wash. If I wasn’t obsessed with smelling amazing all the time I’d probably use it for my entire body, but I am obsessed with smelling amazing all the time, so I use scented shower gel on my less-sensitive body parts and Cetaphil on the parts that are sensitive and would like to stay that way, just like Jewel.
Aveeno Clear Complexion Foaming Cleanser
The best place to discover new products is a shower you share with 2-9 other women, as I learned in college and throughout my twenties. I don’t know which of the eight Kappas I lived with my senior year brought this fine item into the shower on a day that my own face wash ran out, but bless you dear stranger, this is a quality facial cleanser.
Nivea For Men Sensitive Aftershave Extra Smoothing Balm & Nivea For Men Sensitive Shaving Gel
I like the shape of my legs but the actual skin on my legs is a total disaster. Most of it I can’t do anything about — the eczema scars, the ruddy knees, its nearly transparent hue. Vicious razor burn was also one of those things until an ex-boyfriend suggested I try using men’s shaving products. It makes perfect sense: products for the face will always be less irritating because faces are pretty universally sensitive. It works!
Pantene Pro-V Smooth and Sleek Shampoo and Conditioner
My scalp psoriasis doesn’t make any fucking sense. I’ve tried pretty much every shampoo and conditioner on the market — including every expensive natural chemical-free option at Whole Foods and various hippie stores — and I’m not any closer to the truth. Shampoos made specifically for scalp issues of any kind or for psoriasis, from T-Gel to Head & Shoulders, usually makes matters worse. The most I’ve been able to figure out is that it helps to switch what shampoo and conditioner I use every month or so, and that usually, Pantene Pro-V is what I can use for the longest period of time without having a flare-up. Why? I have no fucking idea. The body is A MYSTERY. When I can afford it, I use the PHYTO PHYTOJOBA Intense Hydration Brilliance Shampoo, which is also gentle on me.
Biosilk Hair Serum
I smash some of this into my hair right after leaving the shower and then I blow dry and then my hair is smooth and silky like a mermaid’s. I’m half-Jewish which means my hair is frizzy, curly and poofy in spots, and then straight in other spots. It’s very confusing for my identity but Biosilk helps.
Makeup
L’Oreal Paris Magic Skin Beautifier BB Cream: This is actual magic. I don’t know who invented this thing but it truly instantly makes your skin tone so much more even.
CoverGirl Perfect Blend Pencil Black Brown: Desert Island item.
Almay Clear Complexion Blemish Heal Technology: Acne medication usually makes matters worse but this concealer actually doesn’t… I mean… it sometimes even WORKS. It’s crazy.
Studio Secrets Professional Magic Perfecting Base
It’s SO HARD to find face moisturizers that you can travel with — there’s always pumps or they’re too big to fit into a travel case. This is a really great makeup base that I use as a face moisturizer when I can’t use my own ’cause I’m on the road like a wild cowboy.
essie Nail Color: Naughty Nautical
I was formerly committed to black nail polish (Essie Licorice) for life, but then I changed my mind and grew and changed as a person, switching to a palette of blues and purples and greens. This one is my favorite.
Burt’s Bees Hand Salve
I’ve JUST discovered this and boy is it lovely! I’ll tell you why: ’cause it cannot leak and explode all over your bag. So it’s an excellent way to keep your hands moisturized (if they get super-dry in cold weather, especially) without turning your bag into a flash flood!
This Shit Rules: Goo For Scaly-Snake-Monster Season
It’s winter. Or as my skin likes to call it, Scaly-Snake-Monster Season. I imagine, of course, that people flee from me as I walk down New York City streets because, right about two weeks ago, I transformed into essentially a giant humanoid alligator. My skin gets so dry that I wander around my apartment and occasionally actual public places behaving like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkHyRTlXwkY
Oh you think I’m exaggerating. I’m really not exaggerating. I’m actually doing that on my office chair as I type this.
It does not help that my apartment is steam-heated to (and I’m just guessing here) one million degrees and is drier than a desert in June. I have no control over the thermostat. This would all be bad enough, except that my skin is also finicky—use one kind of moisturizer on my face uninterrupted for too long, break out. Season changes and keep using same face wash, break out. Planet alignment changes and I don’t change whatever the fuck product I’m using, break out. The result is that I use enough different kinds of goo to fill, like, three of these posts all with different themes.
So let’s get down to business on this one—here are the goos I have to use specifically when I transform into a Scaly Snake Monster.
Handmade Goat Milk Soap
During the summer, I can use vegan soap. During the winter, whatever magic vegan soap is made out of also drinks all the water from my skin like a thirsty Vampire. So, being that I’m not a vegan, I switch to something with a little milk up in it. Specifically right now, I’m using soap from Cats’ View Farm in Germantown. Right now in my shower, there rests a Pumpkin Spice bar. On deck is Black Rum and Patchouli.
Buy it from this tiny farm: $5.5o per bar or 4 for $20
Boscia Black Cleanser and Black Mask
Okay, so I live in New York City: land of soot and urine. I am SUPER DIRTY whenever I go out of the house, plus of course I have scales all over my face that shed whether or not I can manage to stay in my apartment for a full 24-hour period. This cleanser and mask are gentle enough that they don’t provoke my winter-skin. The cleanser warms and it’s 19 degrees outside, and the mask is peel off which harkens back to the days of peeling Elmer’s Glue off your fingers—extremely fun and satisfying.
Buy it at Sephora: $28 per 5 oz. cleanser, $34 per 2.8 oz. mask
Hope In a Jar Daily Moisturizer
An every day work horse, this is my new winter moisturizer after the moisturizer I’d been using in the fall started to make me break out when the weather changed. No doubt in two months I will have to switch back to the other moisturizer. And in summer I have to use a completely different one…
My skin is the worst, you guys. I’m holding out hope that this one works year round. It is called Hope in a Jar, after all.
Buy it on Amazon: $34 for 2 oz.
Fresh Lotus Eye Gel
Okay, so it might not be scientifically proven or anything, but this product is supposed to reduce the dark circles under one’s eyes. I honestly don’t care if it does or not, because what I care about is that it’s fresh and cucumber-esque and feels nice when my eyes are all sleepy-puffy (you know the feeling, don’t even pretend like you don’t). And I need this during this season because—and I’m super embarrassed to admit this—my itching wakes me up at night. Seriously. My skin wakes me up. Also this one seems pricey, but since a little goes a long way it’s actually not so bad given how long it lasts.
Buy it on Amazon: $48 for .5 oz.
Fresh Rose Face Mask
This was a treat-yo-self purchase last winter and I liked it so much that it’s made the regular rotation. It’s for those days when moisturizer alone isn’t cutting it—it’s super super hydrating. Plus it smells like flowers! This, like it’s counterpart the Lotus Eye Gel, seems really expensive. But a little goes a long way and it keeps me from wanting to rub my face against my graduate school’s concrete façade: worth it.
Buy it on Sephora: $62 for 3.3 oz.
Melt Earth Spirit Sugar Scrub
There is literally nothing that feels better than a sugar scrub when you are winter itchy. Literally nothing. It is the best damn feeling in the world. It is EXACTLY like rubbing your back against a tree in a bear-esque fashion. I use the Earth Spirit scent because I like the smell of sandalwood and it also makes the towel you dry yourself off with smell AWESOME—but Melt makes a whole host of other sugar scrubs if you’re not into that scent, and while you’re at it a whole host of other bath and body stuffs.
Buy it from Melt: $25 for 9 oz.
Coconut Oil
I don’t know if there are any special kinds of coconut oil that should be used on the skin or not, but as you can practically hear my skin make a slurping sound when I put it on it absorbs it so fast, I just walk to the grocery store on the corner and get the biggest jar of it I can find. And then I slather myself in it all winter.
Buy it on Amazon: $6 for 14 oz.
Burt’s Bees Outdoor Deodorant
There is another problem with winter in the city: heat. Everything is over-heated — stores, offices, apartment buildings, the metro stations: literally no one has access to their thermostat. I sometimes wonder what puppet master controls all of them. And I sweat. I sweat so much it looks like I’m melting. But I also don’t want to use something that will stop me from sweating, because sweating is a thing bodies are supposed to do. Enter this wonderful deodorant. It’s spray on, so it doesn’t leave any weird streaks on black tee shirts or dark sweaters. It’s made of entirely recognizable ingredients. Its first ingredient is alcohol, so the one place on my body I wish was dry is kept just dry enough. And it makes me smell like a lumberjack, or rather a lumberjane.
Buy it on Amazon: $26 for a three-pack
Jack Black Intense Therapy Lip Balm
I must credit my fiancée with this find—she accidentally bought the Grapefruit and Ginger flavor instead of her usual Natural Mint and Shea Butter. She hated the Grapefruit and I LOVED it, so I received the cast-off! It’s perfect—it doesn’t leave your lips drier than before, like some lip balms do. And it has an SPF of 25 (sun still exists in winter, my friends, plus this makes it an extra good all year ’round product).
Buy it on Amazon: $7.50 per tube.
EarthLust Stainless Steel Water Bottle
I know, you’re like, “LOL ALI THAT’S NOT A PRODUCT YOU PUT ON ITCHY SKIN.” But I maintain that drinking water is the best thing we can all be doing for our skin, in good times and bad. In Scaly-Snake-Monster Season or during all other seasons. Drink some water. Drink that whole bottle and then fill it again. And then drink it again. Repeat. Your skin will thank you. This cute fish pattern is the same one I have, but there are others.
Buy it on Amazon: $20 for a 1L bottle.
This Shit Rules: Fabulous (and Squeaky Clean) as F*ck
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they couldn’t live without.
I kind of can’t leave the house without feeling fabulous, which means I allot myself time in the morning to lay about in a laissez-faire fashion with my dog and I’ve got all the products I use before, during, and after my morning shower down to a science. This is the stuff that makes it possible for me to face another day in the cruel, harsh, unforgiving world. Oh, and it leaves me feeling super-duper full of light. Inner peace is fundamental, people.
Naturelle HEMP Shampoo and Conditioner
I was drawn to Naturelle’s HEMP shampoo and conditioner for three equally important and valid reasons: it’s cheap, it’s au naturale, and it has a huge weed leaf on it. I originally tried it out because other brands were weighing down my mane when I wore an afro, but I never looked back. The bonus is that it has a super-fresh smell that is not explicitly gendered! Fist bump, amirite.
Buy It on Amazon: 1L Hydrating Shampoo ($14.01) / 1L Hydrating Conditioner ($16.95)
Neutrogena Shampoo
Once a week, in order to observe the majesty of my own hair, I use Neutrogena’s anti-residue formula shampoo to clear the dirt and oil out of it from the previous week real good. It puts the bounce back that even the most well-washed head of hair loses from any products you’re regularly tossin’ up there. It’s the kind of tough love your hair is yearning for.
Buy It on Amazon: 6oz ($7.72)
White (Unscented) Dove Beauty Bar
I really like bar soap, and I like keeping it simple. A white beauty bar is my everything.
Buy It on Amazon: 6 pack($11.56)
Liquid Neutrogena Face Soap
For some reason unbeknownst to even myself, I fucking love this shit. I travel with a small bar, but the liquid version is the best for everyday use and slapping it on really makes a person feel like wealth.
Buy It on Amazon: 8 oz ($7.02)
Neutrogena Oil-Free Daily Scrub
I’m aware that by now you’re tired of me talking about Neutrogena, so let me just say that I switch between Neutrogena and CVS brand daily scrubs, each being orange in nature and kind of similarly citrus-scented, and have been known to travel with the infamous trial-size St. Ives peach scrub. It’s not Neutrogena, per se. I just like a scrub. They really wake you up, y’know? That, and they help you slough off all that dead skin and shit.
Buy It on Amazon: 4.2oz ($4.74)
Marc Jacobs Daisy
Every morning I douse myself in the stuff. (5 spritzes.)
Buy It on Amazon: 3.4oz ($52.99)
Urban Decay Prep Spray
If you wear makeup, this will be awesome for sealing off your pores before you invade them callously with a bunch of chemicals not legal for distribution in other countries. I like it because it keeps my face a little more oil-free. I’d be lying if I told you I actually use it every day, and would also be lying if I told you the one I’m using isn’t one I got for free and that me pledging to continue to use it for all of time is something I can fully commit to at this time, but I definitely keep it around for any time where I need a little extra squeaky in my clean.
Buy It from Urban Decay: 4oz ($33.00)
HealthySexyHair Soy Paste Pomade
People at hair salons are always talking about product. Do you use product? You should really use product. Lemme just throw some product in there. This product is for sale in the front. I hate product, and always have, because when I devoted myself to going natural I went hard. But when I got my hair super super short a new problem in my life emerged in which the buzzed part would get a little stand-offish before the top was so long it begged me to actually get it cut. This pomade, which I use because I found it laying around in my room, is the perfect solution. It keeps everything in place, but there’s no weird texture after a little while and your hair remains malleable and able to be touched up easily throughout the day.
Buy It on Amazon: 1.8oz ($16.42)
This Shit Rules: Honey and Almonds and Coconut Oil
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they can’t live without.
Sorry this is blurry, my phone is old and I can’t make a serious selfie face.
I work from home and often go days without leaving my apartment, which is great because I can wear things that reek of honey without offending co-workers. But even though many days the only person who sees me is me, I still like to feel fresh and clean and ready to leave at any moment even if I’m not going to.
Now Foods Coconut Oil
Coconut oil is a semi-recent favourite for moisturizing any body part below my neck. I have had an ambivalent relationship with pure shea butter for years – I love the way it smells but hate how long it takes to soften before use and how long it takes to absorb after – and though coconut oil is a much milder scent I find my skin likes it a lot more.
It’s also an anti-fungal (so it can help with yeast infections or weird skin things) and, if you are not practising sex with barriers, is an excellent lube.
Buy it on Amazon: 7 oz ($7)
Burt’s Bees Radiance Day Cream
Above my neck I use Burt’s Bees day cream, which feels light and absorbs easily and doesn’t cause any trouble, especially on days I feel like getting fancy and using foundation. It’s not quite strong enough to use alone all the time though, so at night I cut it with (diluted) shea and honey butter.
Buy it on Amazon: 2 oz ($13)
Burt’s Bees Almond & Milk Hand Cream
This stuff smells really really good. It’s not particularly long lasting, so at night when I don’t need to touch my keyboard any more I use coconut oil instead, but it smells really good so reapplication is a joy. Side note: I did not even realize how many Burt’s Bees products I use until writing this post, I am not being sponsored (though Burt’s Bees people: I’m open to it) but my mom definitely bought this for me. I like it a lot but I do not have the disposable income for $36 hand cream.
Buy it on Amazon: 55 g ($36)
Burt’s Bees Shimmer Lipstick
I love wearing lipstick at all hours and this, though it’s called “lipstick,” is like the lovechild of a lipstick and a lip balm. It’s creamy and light enough to put on without necessarily needing to look in the mirror, it seems to last for a few hours if you don’t eat or drink or make out, and it has a minty tingle when you put it on.
Also unlike lip chap, I don’t find my lips getting more chapped with frequent use – I can use this for days in a row and totally forget about it and not notice with no ill effects.
Buy it on Amazon: 0.09 oz ($7)
Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser
I use this as body wash. I use it as face wash. I use it as sex toy cleaner. (Pair with something to sterilize if sharing between partners or just every so often as a matter of course.) It gets the job done, is scent free (for someone who likes things that smell like milk and honey so much I really hate when soap smells like anything besides soap or nothing), and comes in many sizes including travel sizes, which is just convenient. When I’m out of shampoo or am feeling extra filthy I also use it as shampoo and my hair seems to approve.
Buy it on Amazon: 16 oz ($16)
Aveda Be Curly Shampoo and Conditioner
The first time I ever got a hair cut in a salon it was an Aveda salon (which was also when I was informed my hair was curly and not — as I had previously and naively imagined from pulling it into tight buns all the time —straight), and so I have an especial fondness for the company’s products. These smell just strong enough to notice but not strong enough to be bothersome unless you stick your face in my hair, and do a better job than other curly shampoo/conditioner combos I have tried, and for the most part don’t make my hair feel greasy or weighed down.
Sometimes I switch up my shampoo during periods of brokeness or distance from a salon, and there seems to be only a tiny change, but if I use any other conditioner more than once my hair is a ruin. Luckily I don’t use a lot of either so they usually last me for about 10 months.
Buy them on Amazon: 8.5 oz of shampoo ($25) and 6.7 oz of conditioner ($23)
L’Oreal Nutri-Sleek Argan Oil
It doesn’t matter what happens to my hair as long as I use this oil. It can be windy or blowy or full of dirt or not get washed forever or get washed three times a day and using argan oil (this particular argan oil) makes everything silky and curly and bright again.
I love this stuff so much I’m including it even though it’s not on any of our affiliate sites. I am sure there are other oils that may work for you, and please go forth and investigate them. My hair and I will be over here feeling soft and sleek and not greasy and perfectly curled three days after a shampoo and stockpiling this stuff — which lasts forever anyway, though I have short hair — against the apocalypse.
Buy a poor replica on Amazon: You should really just go to your drugstore for the original, though ($6).
This Shit Rules: My Mostly Vegan Face, Pits, Skin and Lips
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they couldn’t live without.
Up until a few weeks ago, I was vegan and that included my face and body-ody-ody products. Being vegan for the past 10 years has introduced me to some killer (or, rather, humane) products that I might not have picked up otherwise. It has also proved beyond a reasonable doubt that vegan does not necessarily equal “more natural” or “better quality.” I may eat dairy and eggs again now, but I’m sticking with these perfect vegan products, suitable for carnivores or vegans or anyone in between.
LUSH None of Your Beeswax Vegan Lip Balm
If I, wanna try, a vegan lip balm tonight, it’s none of your beeswax! Squirreling away lip balm in every conceivable place is a good-bad habit of mine. My desk, every purse, my jacket pockets, my car. If your lips are dry, hit me up. I probably have some lip balm somewhere on my person. While I will settle for drugstore chapstick, I love this fancy LUSH lip balm. It makes your lips so soft and delicious with extra virgin coconut oil, murumuru butter and carnauba wax and a yummy citrus-vanilla flavor. It feels good on your lips, too. Smooth, but not greasy. Delish.
Buy It on Amazon: $19.99
JĀSÖN Nourishing Cocoa Butter Crème
You know this shit is good because it’s called “crème.” Seriously, though, lather up all your skins with this. It even makes my elephant elbows soft. I keep a jar in my desk at work for dry office building winters.
Buy It on Amazon: $7.45
Desert Essence Tea Tree Oil Deodorant with Lavender Oil
This is a deodorant, not an antiperspirant. If you sweat and smell a lot and want your deodorant to keep that on lockdown, this may not be for you. I sweat, but not really in my pits that much and I’m not very smelly, so I don’t even wear deodorant on most days. When I do, I reach for this. It smells strongly of tea tree oil with light notes of lavender. The stick goes on totally clear and doesn’t rub off on clothes. The tea tree oil is really refreshing and kind of tingly. This deodorant also comes in a roll-on version.
Buy It on Amazon: $15.91
Mary Kay Gel Liner in Black
When I wear makeup, I wear almost exclusively Mary Kay makeup. Once upon a time, I sold their makeup, which was kind of a creepy pyramid scheme, lez be honest, but I got great discounts for my personal use! I was super disappointed when they discontinued their black liquid liner. How was I going to create perfect cat eyes?! They introduced a gel liner, though, and I am quite happy with it. It’s waterproof, smearproof, dries quickly, and glides on for precise liner looks. The pigment is a bold jet black. When I really need it to stay put, I set it with some black eye shadow or finishing powder and it is, truly, flawless. I once wore it for hours in the pouring rain and it didn’t budge. All my other makeup slid off, but my dramatic wings were on point. (MK is kind-of vegan. The products are free of animal ingredients and all products in the U.S. are cruelty free. However, MK doesn’t have a cruelty-free rating anymore because they have to allow animal testing on their products in China due to Chinese regulations.)
Buy It on Amazon: $15.00
Mary Kay Facial Highlighting Pen
Don’t worry. I’m not going to list every Mary Kay makeup product I use, but I have to give a shoutout to the facial highlighting pen. It sounds weird, but it really works to reflect light in your “shadowy” spots. I use it instead of concealer under my eyes when I am looking a little less than optimally well-rested (and can muster to strength to put on makeup). You can also use it to highlight your cheekbones and the sides of your nose and whatnots if you’re into that.
Buy It on Amazon: $7.00
Natur-Tyme Facial Wash with MSM & Alpha Hydroxy Acids
I special order this facial wash from a natural food store in Syracuse, NY. It is their store brand and it is the best face wash I’ve ever applied to my forward-facing epidermis. It exfoliates without being too harsh for my combination oily-dry skin and without those little bead thingies. It ain’t cheap, but a little goes a long way. I go through a bottle every 5-6 months, washing my face twice per day.
Buy It from Needs: 4 oz ($10.99)
Natur-Tyme Moisture Creme with MSM & Rose Hip Seed Oil
This is my favorite facial moisturizer from the same line as the Natur-Tyme facial wash. It is not even a little greasy, absorbs quickly, and makes my skin feel like a cupid angel baby’s butt.
Buy It from Needs: 4 oz ($15.19)
Aura Cacia Cleansing Tea Tree Oil
Just straight up tea tree oil, mmkay. I dab a little on a cotton ball and dilute it with plain ol’ water. I always have some on hand. I use it to freshen up after a hot day or as a natural alternative to deodorant. It works as an anti-fungal and antiseptic on small cuts, rashes, dandruff, and lots more. Some people don’t like the strong herbal smell (people like my partner), but I think it smells clean and fresh.
Buy It on Amazon: $7.99
Thayers Alcohol-free Rose Petal Witch Hazel
Witch hazel is magical. If you don’t want to spring for lightly-scented and alcohol-free Thayers, just get regular witch hazel from your closest drug store or grocery store. I use it as a daily toner and to treat acne and skin issues.
Buy It on Amazon: $9.29
This Shit Rules: Keep It Simple, Keep It Clean
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they couldn’t live without.
About half the year, I’m obsessed with beauty products and rituals and slathering things all over my body in the hopes that they’ll be the latest miracle product to change my life. The other half of the time, I’m the laziest motherfucker around. I’ll shower every other day, wipe some lotion on my face, pin my hair back and fly out the door. But there are a few products that tend to stick around regardless of which phase I’m in. These are the things that took work to find but ultimately have allowed me to worry less about my routine — if I’ve got them, I don’t have to worry about how my skin or hair or nails are going to turn out. These are my old reliables. And I’m happy to share.
Yes, the clip is how I get my hair to do that swooshy thing.
Coconut oil
When this series first came up in our staff chat, I may have agreed to participate solely under the condition that I could talk about coconut oil. Luckily, everybody else is as crazy about this stuff as I am, so we agreed that everybody who uses it could include it on their list with their own favorite uses for it. Personally, I use coconut oil for as much as physically possible. I’ve used it as a hair mask, nail treatment, facial moisturizer, whole-body lotion, makeup remover and an inside joke with my girlfriend, whom I push the stuff on whenever she complains of anything. You can pretty much slap coconut oil on any part of your body, but for moisturizing purposes, heating it in the microwave for 15-20 seconds can be an extra treat. But one of my favorite things about coconut oil is that I can come home drunk and still manage to use it to take off all my makeup in 45 seconds or less; just swipe some on a cotton ball and wipe even mascara away. Also, you can’t beat $6 for a jar that lasts a year or longer!
Buy it on Amazon: $14.69
Lush Coalface
I’ve got chronic idiopathic hives, which means I’m often afraid to use strong/abrasive products on my skin in case they give me some bright red face itchy blotches in the morning. However, I also have oily skin and easily clogged pores, which means that exfoliation is key to keeping my skin from looking dull. Lush’s Coalface is Part One of my recently discovered Ideal Facial Routine because it’s a great exfoliator that doesn’t leave behind any oily residue, which is a problem I’ve had with cleansers that have those little environment-ruining beads in them. Coalface can be a bit harsh if you scrub it directly on your face, but I find that if you lather it in your hands and then rub the little rough bits onto your problem areas, it does a nice job of clearing you up without tearing the skin! It does smell a little metallic, which weirds my girlfriend out, but I actually like it. It’s nice to be able to wash my face without floral aromas flying around asserting my femininity.
Buy it from Lush: $13.95
Lush Imperialis
The first Lush moisturizer I used was Celestial, which smelled better than anything I’ve ever put on my face. Unfortunately, it was a bit too heavy for me once the weather warmed up, so I eventually switched to Imperialis. Its orange blossom-and-lavender oil scent isn’t as heavenly as Celestial, but its relatively light touch is perfect for my greasy skin. After a nice thorough wash with Coal Face, I use clean hands to massage a dab of Imperialis all over my face, especially my T-zone. Puts some nice moisture back in to replace all the gross oil my skin just insisted on producing.
Buy it from Lush: $24.95
Trader Joe’s Tea Tree Tingle shampoo and conditioner
I’ve tried and failed to stop washing my hair so many times. I think I’ve finally given up on the no-‘poo dream, but failure doesn’t hurt quite so much when I’ve got this amazing shampoo. It’s cheap, lasts forever and, if you’ve got the energy to do a little scalp massage, makes your head tingle first thing in the morning. I’ve heard it’s a bit much for those with dry skin/hair, but the tea tree and mint combination is just the right solution for my greasy scalp. Seriously, this shampoo has given me the ability to basically quit leave-in hair products, which I previously thought impossible. Now it’s just lather, rinse, walk out the door.
Buy it on Amazon: $15.70 for both online, but these babies are $4 a pop in the store
Benefit Cosmetics They’re Real! Mascara
I have fairly long lashes that stick straight out. I hate eyelash curlers and “curling” mascara wands that leave heaps of gunk all over my eyes. All I really want in life is a black-as-night mascara that isn’t too thick but has enough strength to pull my lashes up instead of out. This mascara is my solution. Its branding claims that it has some magical lengthening, curling, separating, volumizing and lifting powers, and while I don’t know about all that, it certainly does get my lashes looking right. It’s also probably the most expensive makeup item I’ve ever bought, but trust me when I say it’s worth it.
Buy it on Amazon: $28.76
This Shit Rules: Soft Skin and Rapunzel Hair
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they can’t live without.
I work from home and most days I talk to between zero and one other humans. This means that I don’t usually need to spend a lot of time thinking about the impression I make on others or appearing ‘professional’ or ‘showered,’ so I don’t spend a lot of time or effort on makeup or clothes. Being in my own home all day does, however, mean that I have the time to commit to a multi-step skincare routine and also spend a lot of time figuring out how I can make my hair perfect, aka like Mädchen Amick’s in Twin Peaks. What I’m saying is that I have a lot of skincare products and intense rituals around my hair. I’m a lot of fun to travel with. Anyhow here’s the stuff I use on my fragile human outer shell.
CeraVe Products
I think CeraVe is a really remarkably great line of stuff considering you can buy it at Walgreens and everything costs under $20. The moisturizers have really good ingredients that you can also find in high-end products, like ceramides, hyaluronic acid, and CeraVe AM moisturizer has niacinamide in it, which helps fade scarring and hyperpigmentation. The only thing I’ve used of theirs that I’m not wild about is their sunscreen, but hey, nobody’s perfect. I use the big tub of plain ol’ moisturizer at night and CeraVe AM in the morning, and also the Hydrating Cleanser, which is like Cetaphil but I like it slightly more.
Buy them on Amazon: Hydrating Cleanser, 10.99; Moisturizing Cream, $13.77; AM Lotion, $10.97
La Roche Posay Anthelios Mineral Ultra Light Sunscreen
I am firmly on board the Sunscreen All Day Every Day train, and when you’re on that train you need to find a sunscreen you really like because it sucks to wear something you don’t like that much every day. The only thing I’ve found that really works for me is Anthelios, which seems pricey but is pretty dope. It’s a physical rather than chemical sunscreen, it rubs in fairly quickly and easily, there isn’t really a greasy or product-y feeling on my skin after a few minutes, and it doesn’t leave a white cast even when I use a full 1/4 tsp (which is the amount of sunscreen you should be using for your face, otherwise you’re not getting the full SPF! Trust me, try measuring it out, 1/4 tsp is way more than you think it is).
Buy it on Amazon: 1.7 oz, $23.33
40 Carrots Vitamin Serum
Vitamin C and Vitamin A (retinol) are both good for making your skin glow like a baby angel’s, and also this stuff smells fresh and lovely like you’re romping through a Tropicana orchard in the dew. I put this on every other night before moisturizer. It also doesn’t have parabens in it, which I don’t actually care about that much but maybe you do. I feel like when I use this at night my skin looks hydrated and well-rested in the morning, even though I probably fell asleep on the couch drinking box wine at 2 am.
Buy it on Amazon: 1 oz, $15
St. Ives Exfoliating AHA Pads and Paula’s Choice 2% BHA Liquid
Exfoliation is cool because it keeps your skin soft and can help with stuff like acne and hyperpigmentation, but physical exfoliation that relies upon literally scraping off the top layer of skin (like with scrubs or microbeads) isn’t awesome for you. It can create little tears in your skin and make tiny cuts on your face, which isn’t ideal. Chemical exfoliation, with an alpha-hydroxy acid or beta-hydroxy acid, is safer and more effective. AHAs and BHAs do different things but are both good for you, so I switch off and take turns using them at different times.
Buy them on Amazon: 60 pads, $5.09; 4 oz, $26
Yes to Carrots Conditioner
Right now as part of Living My Best Life as a curly-haired person, I don’t use any hair products that have sulfates or silicones in them. This conditioner doesn’t have silicones, smells nice, and works well; it makes my hair soft and shiny. Because it’s sort of thick-ish, I also use it as a leave-in conditioner and styling product; after I turn the shower off, I scrunch as much water as I can out of my hair and then use my fingers to comb some more conditioner in for super hydrated and defined curls.
Buy it on Amazon: 17 oz, $8.99
J.R. Liggett Bar Shampoo
This neat little shampoo bar contains no sulfates or other surfactants (again, good for curly hair) and has lots of stuff in it that I know my hair likes, like castor oil and coconut oil. Even without surfactants, it makes a nice lather and my hair gets clean without getting dried and out and feeling like straw. The fact that it’s in a bar is also convenient for travel, whether it’s over to your boo’s apartment for the night or on the plane to A-Camp, where I inevitably have things confiscated because I accidentally packed too many liquids because I’m an idiot.
Buy it on Amazon: 3.5 oz, $5.99
Jamaican Black Castor Oil
I feel like people are in two camps when it comes to oils; either you’re obsessed with them and slather them all over your skin and hair or you think that’s really weird. I am one of the former, and I’m also trying to grow my hair out, and so I’m super into Jamaican Black Castor Oil which apparently helps hair grow for reasons that I don’t understand. I warm it up to use as a hot oil treatment for my hair once a week or so and will sometimes give myself a scalp massage with it if I’m feeling very “treat yo self.” People who are more motivated than me also brush it into their eyelashes and eyebrows so they can look like Cara Delevingne with false eyelashes on.
Buy it on Amazon: 8 oz, $9.99
Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay Deep Pore Cleansing Mask
This mask is so serious. It’s a whole thing. I don’t use it as often as I should because it is, as aforementioned, a whole thing, but whenever I do my skin looks so great it makes me upset. You should use it with apple cider vinegar even though it says you can use water, trust me on this. One container also contains enough clay for about four thousand masks, so this is a super good deal.
Buy it on Amazon: 1 lb, $9.90
Long Winter Soap Co Houndstooth Perfume Oil
I don’t really understand the world of ~*fragrances*~, the idea of basenotes and whatever all seems very intense and I can’t imagine ever spending like a hundred dollars on a fancy bottle of smelly water. But I like these little rollerballs of perfume a lot, and they’re very affordable and the scent descriptions are pretty straightforward and easy for me to grasp. Houndstooth is sort of a “masculine” scent; technically it’s “leather, oakmoss, dark chocolate, and green tea,” but to me it smells mostly like lots of leather and also a sort of warm spicy situation that is vanilla-ish without smelling like a cupcake. If I went on a date with myself and was wearing this I would probably want to go on a second date with myself.
This isn’t on Amazon but is on their website: 0.3 oz, $9
This Shit Rules: Curly Haired Goddess Products
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they couldn’t live without.
I feel like my curly hair is both a blessing and a curse. Under normal conditions, it ranges thusly:
Left: Queen Guinevere of the BBC’s 2008 Merlin adaptation
Center: Lady Morgana, also of the BBC’s 2008 Merlin adaptation
Right: Morgan Le Fay of the 1998 Merlin miniseries
I mean, honestly, I’d probably bang any of those options. But most of the time I prefer looking like royalty to looking like an evil witch. After 27 years, I’ve finally located a handful of products that get me in Queen Guinevere territory, like, 85% of the time. And for curly hair, that’s pretty good.
I woke up like this. Then I put a sparkly headband on and pondered what my first act would be as Queen regent of Camelot. …Yeah, I don’t know. I’ve just been watching a lot of Merlin lately. It’s fine.
Here’s what I use.
DevaCurl No-Poo, Conditioner, and Gel
I love DevaCurl! The “no poo” cleanser is better for my curly hair because it doesn’t use surfactants to make suds, which cause frizz. The conditioner is creamy and leaves my hair silky and moisturized. The gel is something I can pile on for control without worrying about flakes or stickiness. I used to use Ouidad (which is good too!) but I found I prefer DevaCurl’s sort of nice, light grapefruit-y smell.
The line is kind of pricey, but the shampoo (er, not-shampoo?) lasts a really long time. Or it does if you only wash your hair occasionally, like I do. (It keeps it your curls from drying out! It’s a thing!)
Buy It on Amazon: Trial Kit – 1 oz each of No Poo, One Condition and Light Defining Gel ($12.95)
Full Size – 12 oz each of No Poo, One Condition and Light Defining Gel ($49.16)
Swissco Microfiber Hair Towel Plus Shower Comb
I generally use my fingers to create my part, but if you want to be more exacting than I am, a wide toothed comb like this is perfect for making straight lines. Do it while you’re still in the shower with to avoid disrupting your hair’s curl pattern once its already set.
Once out of the shower, a microfiber towel is awesome for keeping curls intact. Supposedly the texture creates less friction on hair and therefore causes less frizz. I’m not 100% sure if that’s why it works, but I was seriously so surprised by how much of a difference this made when I switched to a microfiber towel instead of a regular towel to dry my hair.
Buy It on Amazon: 1 towel + comb ($7.08)
Tangle Teezer The Original Post Swimming Detangling Hair Brush
I have one of these in pink and it lives in my shower. The short, flexible bristles are perfect for detangling my hair without breaking it. The shape also feels nice in my hand, and it gives a lovely scalp massage.
Buy It on Amazon: 1 brush ($8.99)
Hot Tools HTBW1852 Curly-Q Tapered Nanoceramic Curling Iron
For curls that need a touch up, this is the best curling iron I’ve ever found. The tapered head makes natural-looking curls that blend right in with my real curls. I definitely don’t use it on a daily (or even weekly) basis, but when I need to make extra sure my hair looks good, this is my go-to tool.
Buy It on Amazon: 1 curling iron ($32.00)
Rhinestone Beaded Elastic Headband
Curly hair wants to be free! And sometimes, in spite of your most valiant efforts, it just will not do what you want it to. On days like these, I could use the curling iron to fix every last strand… but what I usually opt for is to pile my hair high atop my head and accessorize with a sparkly, beaded headband. I like it because it feels like I’m wearing a tiara, but it’s actually socially acceptable to wear outside of a sweet sixteen birthday party.
This look is best paired with a solemnly regal air and flashing eyes that strike fear into the hearts of men.
Buy It on Amazon: 1 headband ($6.99)
This Shit Rules: Moisture For Your Ashy Bits
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they couldn’t live without.
probably the least make-up you’ll ever catch me wearing.
Yes, winter is indeed coming, and for most people that means chapped lips and rosy cheeks. For those of us designed for warmer climates, however, it means blasting the heat all night and waking up from night terrors about fire ants attacking your legs (which, for the record, is preferable to waking up with nipples cold enough to cut glass. I have never found a happy medium). My knees look like I’ve been crawling around in the fireplace. My lips are so dry you could peel off a layer and roll a joint in it. I’m itchy as hell y’all, but thankfully, I have an arsenal of products to keep me whet as a whistle.
Vaseline Lip Therapy with Aloe Vera
via anna elisabeth
People have mixed feelings about putting petroleum jelly on their lips, but whatever they do to this lip jelly (that is for whatever reason only available in Europe), is magic. It also comes in plain and rosewater flavors, and I use it under my eyes when I run out of eye cream.
Buy It on Amazon: 0.7 oz, pack of two ($5.08)
Life-flo Pure Almond Oil
via evitamins
For days when your skin feels too small for your face and regular face cream just won’t cut it, organic cold-pressed sweet almond oil should do the trick. Use this oil after washing your face and applying whatever other anti-acne/anti-aging/anti-gravity creams you may want to use. WARNING: Use only ONE DROP. This stuff means business, and by business I mean it will leave an oil slick across your face if you use too much. ONE. SINGULAR. DROP. It goes a long way.
Buy It on Amazon: 16 oz. ($10.46)
Aveeno Skin Relief Moisturizing Lotion
via Aveeno
So normally I just slather on some coconut oil right out of the shower, but this shit really rules. I actually don’t own it. I just steal it from my mom when I’m home. It’s got “soothing oat essence” and shea butter, and a little bit of magic sauce that’ll take the bite out of frostbite.
Buy It on Amazon: Pack of 3 8 oz. bottles ($25.73)
This Shit Rules: A Lazy Person’s Guide To Looking Good
Welcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they couldn’t live without.
I’m not much of a beauty maven. I’ve eschewed mascara permanantly after realizing that it’s not worth the effort for my super haphazard short lashes, and I’ve got no clue about BB or CC creams. It’s more likely that an extra 10 minutes in the AM will realistically be spent sleeping, if not figuring out what to wear once I roll out of bed. That’s not to say that I don’t have a slew of products that help a lazy Lyd look as though I put in a smidge of effort, even though I probably didn’t. Shall we?
Hurraw Lip Balm (Any Flavour)
So one product I know a lot about is lip balm. I’ve always been die hard for a good balm (Bubblegum LipSmacker, my first love), and this is my platinum pick. I thought I had it good until I met you, Hurraw. The consistency is smooth, not sticky, and the flavour selection is immense and delectable. Moisturizing enough to only require one or two applications through the day, Hurraw is my trump card of lip balms. It doesn’t hurt that it’s all natural + vegan + raw. I can’t go back! Sorry Bonne Bell.
Buy It on Amazon: .15 oz ($5.75)
Revlon Colourburst Balm Stain in Smitten
What can I say? This crayon lookin’ lipstick stays put for most of the day, smells minty fresh and is the closest I’ve come to a “natural” or “just kissed” (whatever that means) lip color for my deep complexion. Hear, hear, for subtle lip color!
Buy It on Amazon: 0.1 oz ($6.15)
Meow Meow Tweet Bergamot Vetiver Tonic
I snagged this face mist on super clearance, since I’d been in the market for a face tonic. In the winter my face gets weird dry patches, and this elixir has been holding down the moisture now that the temperature has dropped. I usually do a quick spritz before adding moisturizer to the really dry spots. The herb-y scent is a nice bonus!
Buy It on Twisted Lily: 2 oz ($22.00)
Nutiva Organic Virgin Coconut Oil
If you don’t love coconut oil, I’m not sure we can be friends. I was a major skeptic of the widespread coco-love, but after going natural hair wise, this has become my new best friend. It’s the last step in my wash and go routine, as well as my new favourite moisturizer. I’ve run into issue with product irritating my sensitive eyes, but coconut oil is now my go to as a make-up remover, among other multi-tasking properties. It smells so delicious and the tub lasts forever!
Buy It on Amazon: 2 pack of 15oz containers ($19.38)
Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus Curl Enhancing Smoothie
When I decided to chop off my relaxed hair 7 months ago, I had no idea what my natural hair texture would be, or how to take care of it. Luckily, I discovered that Shea Moisture’s Curl Enhancing was made for a natural hair newbie like me. I didn’t know that I was capable of springy spiral curls until I started using this lovely goop. You only need a pinch, so the tub goes a long way! Added plus: I get to smell a tropcal smoothie each morning.
Buy It on Amazon: 12 oz ($14.00)
Vaseline Cocoa Butter Deep Conditioning Body Lotion with Cocoa Butter & Vitamin E
This lotion keeps my skin lookin’ luminous and smellin’ delicious, and I can’t argue with that. It goes on non-sticky and is moisturizing, something that is super important when the temperatures are at their extremes (super hot or super cold).
Buy It on Amazon: 20.3 oz ($4.36)
Atelier Cologne Vanille Insensee Cologne Absolue
My favourite scent is vanilla, but I don’t want to smell like a cookie all the time. This is perhaps the most complex vanilla based scent I’ve sniffed, and I’m sold! It has notes of amber, jasmine and vetiver, which are always on my must-haves when it comes to choosing perfume. Soft, warm and a teensy bit musky (but not in a grandma way). I might just have to spring for the full size once my wee tester runs out!
Buy It on Amazon: 1 oz ($68.00)