Teen Choice Awards Liveblog And Open Thread

It’s just about the end of the summer and you know what that means! It’s time to give brightly colored surf boards out to celebrities as voted on by teenagers with access to a computer! It’s time for the Teen Choice Awards!

There are something like 86 different awards voted on and probably only like 10 will actually be announced tonight. So why am I watching? Because I absolutely love Pretty Little Liars’ Lucy Hale (aka Aria Montgomery) and Glee’s Darren Criss (aka Gay Blaine).

In addition to Ellen Degeneres’s usual Choice Comedian nomination, tons of shows with gay characters are nominated this year including Pretty Little Liars, The Fosters, Glee, Modern Family, New Girl, The Voice, Under the Dome, Teen Wolf and probably a bunch more I forgot about. Also TV Lesbian Shay Mitchell and Alternative Life Style Haircut Recipient Miley Cyrus will be presenting!

In other words, for the third year in a row, I’m covering the Teen Choice Awards because everyone on staff knew I’d be watching them anyways.

Join me at 8pm EST to see all the magic happen!

8pm EST: I guess this show is starting off with some One Direction? I don’t know anything about these guys and, oh yeah, also I don’t care about them at all. Except I hate that “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” song. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They are like five Justin Biebers.

8:05pm EST: Lucy Hale’s dress is so cute! And I love her shoes! Darren Criss’s outfit is moderately boring. I think he could use some fashion tips from some cute dapper lesbians.

Now as you might remember, there are a billion awards. So when people win multiple awards the host/announcer just awkwardly lists them. Speaking of which….

One Direction Wins a Ton of Choice Music Awards

I’m not even going to list them. It sounded like basically every award they were nominated for.

8:08pm EST: Wait. One Direction is British?

8:10pm EST: Did anyone else hear how oddly Darren Criss just said “Liam?”

Rebel Wilson wins for Choice Comedy Actress for Pitch Perfect

I fucking loved Pitch Perfect. And I love Rebel Wilson. No one can take that away from me. I think they just censored her saying something awesome. At least she’s wearing that awesome wetsuit.

Skyler Astin wins for Choice Comedy Actor for Pitch Perfect

Meh. He was fine in the movie. He was no Rebel Wilson that’s for sure. I heard he was also in Spring Awakening though. I feel that.

8:15pm EST: Okay, this is what’s so hard about the Teen Choice Awards. The awards come so fast and potentially in no particular order except who is on stage at that moment.

 Pitch Perfect wins for Choice Comedy Movie.

Anna Camp accepts the award on behalf of the whole cast. She is dressed like a figure skater.

8:20pm EST: I’m thoroughly enjoying The Gleeks versus the Pretty Little Liars Fans. Obviously I’m on team Pretty Little Liars because I’m all Paily all the time. Side note: this is getting awkward and obviously wasn’t properly rehearsed.

Darren Criss: What’s your favorite Pretty Little Liars episode?
Jane Lynch: I’ve never heard of that show.

8:25pm EST: Yay! It’s that guy from Superbad and Chloë Grace Moretz announcing the Choice Break Up Song! It’s Tay Swift and Rihanna and Selena Gomez with a song that’s… not about breaking up? So who of course wins?

Selena Gomez wins Choice Break Up Song for “Come and Get It”

+Alright, drink every time Lucy Hale says “We teens” despite the fact that she’s 24!

+Drink every time someone tells you to take a pledge to not text and drive.

8:30pm EST: A Disney Channel Girl and The Kid From Teen Wolf announce Choice TV Drama! I hope Pretty Little Liars wins because even though I love Gossip Girl it ended like last fall. It would be cool if Switched At Birth won too.

Woooo! Pretty Little Liars Wins for Choice TV Drama, Summer TV Show and basically every award any of the actors were nominated for

Is it fucked up that I find Pretty Little Liars’ wins deeply validating of my lifestyle?

8:35pm EST: I’ve been hearing this “Cruise” song all summer long but I had no idea it was by these Florida Georgia Line guys. I just figured it was Train or something. They’re still making music right?

Do you think five years ago Nelly thought that at almost 40 he would be doing this with his career? Playing the Teen Choice Awards with two pseudo-country singers?

8:40pm EST: I’m not entirely sure why Lucy Hale is wearing a referee jersey but I’m pretty sure that’s a new lingerie look I’m going to add to my personal collection.

I guess the blonde dude presenting is Cody Simpson. My roommate says he’s like the Justin Bieber of Australia.

Gabby Douglas Wins Choice Female Athelete

While I would have preferred Brittney Griner or Megan Rapinoe be nominated/win, look how fucking cute Gabby Douglas is! I love her cute yellow dress! I hope she’ll be at the 2016 Olympics. Unless since she’s 17 now she’ll be too old/tall by then.

8:45pm EST: The Acuvue Inspire Award being simultaneously presented by Demi Lovato and Fifth Harmony just feels like a huge ad for X Factor sponsored by Acuvue. They award it to Nick Jonas for having Type I Diabetes. No, seriously. That’s basically what they just said.

Nick Jonas looks so effing old.

8:50pm EST: Even though it’s gone seriously downhill and Ryan Murphy doesn’t care about us….

Glee wins for Choice TV Comedy

And every single person in the entire cast shows up to accept the award. I guess also to speak publicly about Corey Monteith’s death. Important points of interest:

+Why do they let Artie speak ever?!
+How fresh are Alex Newell’s heels.
+Can I please have a picture of Naya Rivera wearing that outfit poster size for my bedroom? Thanks.

+Everyone in the cast looks pretty upset about Cory’s death. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be. It’s insane that they went right back to filming and that they’re writing his death into the show.

 Lea Michele Swings Back for for Choice TV Comedy Actress

I can’t even handle Lea Michele tears right now. I think I’m actually also about to cry too. But it’s also sort weird that they took this moment as a tribute to him. It feels sad and overly constructed at the same time.

8:55pm EST: I am loving Lucy Hale’s hot pink dress costume change.

How did Abigail Breslin get so old? Time huh? it just keeps moving! Also I think that Hailee Steinfeld is dressed as cartoon TNT.

Logan Lerman wins for Choice Movie Actor in Perks of Being a Wallflower
(beating out Hugh Jackman)

It always cracks me up that only at the Teen Choice Awards do Academy Award nominees/Golden Globe winners get undercut by cute guys in their twenties.

9:00pm EST: I wish that Demi Lovato was singing her “Heart Attack” song. I like that one.

I hope that her hair is indicative of current hair styles, because in a few weeks I’m going to have like an inch of jet black roots too and I would love to call that a fashion statement.

Demi Lovato wins for Choice Female Music Artist

I’m pretty impressed that Demi Lovato just beat Taylor Swift. Perhaps the reign of T. Swift is finally over.

9:10pm EST: I’m pretty uncomfortable with the amount of time spent discussing twerking during this show. I guess there’s going to be a lot of twerking at the end of the show? I’m guessing lead by Miley Cyrus.

Ah yes. It is not time to announce the Ultimate Choice Award. Hilariously enough I’ve actually watched the TCAs enough times to know what this is. It’s like the TCA’s lifetime achievement award. I really liked watching it go to Twiight last year. On the other hand, listening to this dude talk about how he loves his bro Ashton Kutcher is totally boring. I’m just so bored of Ashton Kutcher.

It’s also basically just a big long ad for Kutcher’s new Steve Jobs biopic.

9:20pm EST How did I not know that Ashton Kutcher’s first name is actually Chris? But still, Ashton — I’m speaking directly to you — you know you’re old when you’re lecturing teenagers about hard work and how being smart is sexy. Again. A big long ad for Kutcher’s new Steve Jobs biopic.

9:21pm EST No but seriously guys I’m not done yet. There’s nothing worse that listening to someone speak who you know thinks they’re going to be quoted in the morning. Actually there is something worse: someone who thinks they’re going to be quoted in the morning and also thinks they’re an inspiration.

9:26pm EST Wow! Co-presenters I actually like! I’m pretty pleased someone thought to refer to Ian Somerhalder as The Smolder Holder. That’s just good copy. More importantly I want to hate Kerry Washington’s dress but I just like it so much. It’s so fun. Also she could probably wear a paper bag and look good and be talented and perfect. So.

9:30pm EST:

+Drink every time someone says “your votes matter”

I’m pretty impressed that the TV Choice Actor category has  two gay characters and one gay actor as nominees. And the gay actor wins!

Jim Parsons wins for Choice TV Comedy Actor

Yes! I fucking love Big Bang Theory. And I fucking love Jim Parsons.

9:35pm EST: I really like Paramore but I’m still surprised they’ve won so many Teen Choice Awards. I guess I didn’t realize the kids were so into The Rock Music these days. I can never get over what a stone cold fox Hayley Williams is. If possible I’d like to grow up to be her. Or just get her cute new alternative lifestyle haircut.

I’m also very into this punk ballerina dancers.

Miley Cyrus backstage biting a mini-surfboard. I die.

9:40pm EST: Holy shit Maia Mitchell aka Callie on The Fosters is Australian?! How did I miss this?!

Miley Cyrus wins Choice Summer Song for “We Can’t Stop”

Is this the part where Miley Cyrus finally comes out of the closet?

9:43pm EST: Still waiting for Miley to come out. Instead she just seems to be winning an award as a trend setter. Like for making the Alternative Lifestyle Haircut something for everyone.

9:45pm EST: Damn. I was really hoping she’d be like “Oh and by the way I’m bisexual y’all! Peace out!”

9:47pm EST: Oh what up Bruno Mars! Do you guys remember that time I inducted Bruno Mars into the lesbian haircut club?

Demi Lovato wins Choice Person Being a Person on Reality TV

9:50pm EST: I feel like when reality television stars win anything the person who does the footage editing should win the award.

9:55pm EST: According to Darren Criss and his motorcycle jacket it’s time for the last award of the night. And the last award? Given out by the cast of the new Percy Jackson movie. Even though the new Percy Jackson got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes I’m going to see it anyways because Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is my go-to hungover movie. 

9:57pm EST: I love that Sandra Bullock actually showed up to the TCAs. You just know it means that she had a niece or nephew who really wanted to come and see One Direction.

10:00pm EST: In conclusion, no one in this audience knows how to twerk and I think Darren Criss is dressed as a Pikachu. This has been the Teen Choice Awards.

Female Comedy Writers Help Bring Us Closer to Lesbos on TV

Saturday I went to the Emerging Women of Comedy event at USC’s Stark Theatre presented by Women of Cinematic Arts. The panel included Liz Meriwether, creator of New Girl, Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome of Garfunkel and Oates, Nahnatchka Khan, creator of yet to premiere Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, and Parks and Recreation writer/stand-up/wolf, Chelsea Peretti.

In a lot of ways, comedy itself is still struggling for respect. The expectations for a new comedy on television are completely different than those of a drama, comedies are rarely acknowledged at the Oscars, and it’s often frowned upon as a scholarly pursuit even within the film world. With that said, I think it’s interesting to see how the progress of women within comedy will coincide with the comedy genre seeing more respect from the industry, and how the growth of both will influence and even support the other in the coming years. This year, much of the conversation focused around Bridesmaids. As much as it is a story of female triumph, it’s first and foremost a triumph for comedies.

The panel followed a question and answer format but a lot of the time it morphed into the panelists having conversations with each other, telling anecdotes that spoke to the topic at hand, and delivering hilarious tags to the jokes that another told. It’s hard at events like these to strike a balance of seriously discussing the issues that plague women in the industry while also keeping it entertaining and informative. I walked away feeling that yes, it sucks to be a woman in comedy but there’s hope. Here are some of my favorite moments from the event.

On her time with American Dad

Khan: I found I could offend a lot more people that way and that’s what I always wanted to do.

On the Bridesmaids effect

Lindhome: We’re doing the same thing we were doing before but now more people want to work with us.
Meriwether: Oh, women want to see things about women? It took them a while to figure it out.

On what a chemistry read is

Meriwether: Everybody is naked and whoever stays in the room gets the part.

On notes from the networks

Meriwether: I think with Sluts the networks were kind of confused. “How can they want to have random sex but also have jobs?”

On staying true to their roots or appealing to a wider audience

Lindhome: I would rather have the niche audience that we have. They’re more into it. We don’t have to water anything down.

On Meriwether’s first movie job being to adapt a 9/11 comedy novel into a romcom

Khan: What didn’t collapse that day was their love.

And then a pilot idea

Peretti: A bright and sunny 9/11 multicam on CBS. A romp through Ground Zero and beyond.

On Modern Family spec scripts

Meriwether: Oh you’re kidding. Ty Burrell bought a ladder?!

On whether aspiring screenwriters should start a blog.

Peretti: If you want to be a screenwriter, I would suggest Twitter.

On how her parents feel about her comedy

Meriwether: They don’t have sex anymore so they like me to write about it. Just kidding. They do!

On what people ask for when she’s hired to do dialogue fixes

Meriwether: Can you just make her seem like a person?

Can’t have a room full of female comedians without a lesbian moment

Meriwether: I used to go to your shows in New York. I was the girl in the back like, “Ohhhh!” Like, rubbing my…*does circular motions over boobs*
Peretti: Whooooa. Is there are green room?

Random quotes

Meriwether: Dry shampoo is a thing that I’ve found has gotten me through a lot of weird weeks.
Peretti: One thing I learned fresh out of college. I think you believe in yourself more then…
Meriwether: A lot of times people say women’s comedy and they lump it all together. Which is like saying human comedy.
Micucci: I use the word wish and hope a lot. Riki uses fuck.
Peretti: I think when you have a writers’ room, everyone brings their own weirdness and uniqueness. The more you seek out weird experiences, the more you have to say.
Meriwether: Comedy writers are mostly men still. That’s mostly because women aren’t funny in my experience.
Peretti: Men don’t do interviews like, “As a man, what is it like to be funny?”

While the shows they work on or their brand of humor may not be your favorite things, it’s hard to deny that the unique, smart, funny, and dare I say feminist voices behind these shows are making the world more tolerable for female writers and characters. When it’s this hard for a female comedy writer, how hard would it be for a queer one? Or even a straight woman that wants to tell these stories? I imagine it would be hard to break lesbian storylines without further tokenization when you’re already the token woman in a writers’ room. The more lady parts there are in the room, the easier it will be for all women. Not just straight white ones. While these shows many not speak directly to us as queer women, they do serve our interests.

In a perfect world there would be a show like 30 Rock about Team Autostraddle but until then, I trust these women. Hopefully they will help usher in more diversity within the ranks of female comedy writers. And maybe, juuuust maybe, in the not so near future, a network will air a sitcom with a gay lady lead. Or at the very least, someone will make this movie. Until then, Unicorn Plan-It ’til we die.

Modern Family, New Girl, and Happy Endings Set Televisionary on Fire

Modern Family

by Lizz

Modern Family had one of those episodes where there wasn’t really any plot line but just an excuse to get the whole family in once place. Conveniently (or not) a neighbor’s house burned down and so everyone gathered at the Dunphy’s for some good old fashioned moving boxes from one room to the next.

So yeah, no real plot, but here are something things we learned:

Claire: Daddy can I have a sip of your beer?… Oh my G-d, Mitchell cozies up to Mom, I go running to Daddy. I’m the one who’s turning Gloria into Mom which is really disturbing since we’re the same age.
Jay: You’re older.

Cece Sleeps Over and Nothing Gay Happens on “New Girl”

New Girl has already started coupling characters off when “Cece Crashes.” In Cece’s first major involvement on the show, we learn she has poor taste in men as she dumps her European deep-V-wearing-DJ-with-a-face-tattoo boyfriend. We’re led to believe that by indulging kimono-wearing Schmidt, this is somehow a step up.

Cece is “really loose with her body” and vulnerable while drunk. Jess apologizes in advance in case she gets grabby. She doesn’t, but Winston and Schmidt, like the great guys they are, see this is as an opportunity for them to make their pathetic “moves.” A sad drunk girl just plopped into their living room on a Friday night. What could be better? Probably if she was singing Rebecca Black. That would be better.

Winston: Are you sheep dogging her right now?

Schmidt starts doing parkour to celebrate Cece sleeping in his bed…without him. I guess the lingering smell of sexy is something to look forward to. The next day, Winston and Schmidt will do anything Cece tells them. Not preoccupied with these menial tasks, Nick has shit to do. Cece tries to convince Jess that Nick has a crush on her as Jess has a history of not realizing guys like her.

Jess: You just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone all the time.
Cece: They do. That’s why I think that.

Jess and Nick go to the store and with that idea freshly planted in her mind, she freaks out. She likes her living situation the way it is and she likes her friendships the way they are. But you know, the power of suggestion. It’s a doozy. You probably use it to your advantage all the time.

Jess: Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it’s my posture. I have really sexy posture.

After facing his arch-nemesis, a cat, (no deeper meaning here?) and getting sunburned while following the model’s orders, the last thing Schmidt wants is to sleep on the couch. He asks if he can share the bed now that he’s realized he doesn’t have a chance in hell. She agrees and once Schmidt sadly declares he doesn’t like to sleep alone, she holds his hand as she drifts off to sleep.

Is Cece really catching feelings or was it a pity grab? Yay or nay on Jess and Nick?

Televisionary: Modern Family, Happy Endings and New Girl

Is it just me or did it suddenly become okay to say penis and vagina on TV? I mean, they should have always been allowed since they’re just clinical terms, but between 2 Broke Girls, New Girl and Modern Family, there was a lot of, erm, talk.

Modern Family

by Lizz

As usual, there were tons of plotlines on Modern Family this week. Sometimes I swear it probably takes you longer to read my recap than to just watch the episode. A couple of the plotlines were really funny, like Cam trying to pick up a chick. Others, like Jay being all self-conscious about dancing, I just fast forwarded through the second time around.

But yes! You read correctly, Cam tried to pick up a girl. Apparently Cam believes that if he were straight he’s be the ultimate womanizer.

Mitchell: Or maybe you just stepped out of a machine called “the womanizer.”

Cam bets laundry for a month that he can get the phone number of any chick in the room. And he does.

Cam: If she were a hot guy, I would never have been that smooth. It’s ironic, like, the gift of the vagi.

The girl, who’s played by the amazing Leslie Mann, is excited when Cam calls her, and Cam gets worried she’s become attached. So worried, in fact, that he doesn’t tell her he’s gay and instead invites her over. But, um, everyone knows where this is going, right? The girl knew he was gay the whole time and she just wanted a gay best friend to “dish with, give [her] guy advice, someone [she] can shop with.” Cam points out these are stereotypes but that, more importantly, Julia Roberts is super nice in person. It’s okay though, Leslie Mann still gives him a hot one on the lips to trick Mitchell.

At the Dunphy’s, Phil tries to help Luke while Claire tries to help Haley. Alex Dunphy was obviously at all day cello/science camp. Phil wants desperately to make a tree house for-Luke-but-really-for-himself because he’s all full of feelings about not having close buddies around. He explains to Luke how when you grow up, it’s not easy to make friends anymore. You can’t just holler to your friends or run in to them on campus after a late night ultimate frisbee game. This is so true that I need to go cry for a minute.

Okay I’m back. Claire also does her best to help Haley who won’t stop complaining about her horrible god-awful terrible safe upper-middle class upbringing.

Everyone Has This Conversation While Writing College Essays

Haley: Hey Mom? I’m trying to write this stupid college essay question and I really don’t even know where to start

Claire: What is the qustion? Tell me.

Haley: What’s the biggest obsticle you’ve ever had to overcome…? Didn’t my third grade teacher say I had like ADD or something?

Claire: Oh, no honey. She said you couldn’t A-D-D and she put it that way because she also knew you couldn’t S-P-E-L-L.

Much like Phil, Claire explains to Haley how being safe and warm like a kitten dressed up as a bunny doesn’t last forever and that she should savor these years of normalcy with her family. Just kidding, she drops her off in the middle of nowhere.

The end results at the Dunphy household is that Luke quits the treehouse, Haley writes about Claire being crazy and Phil makes a new friend, Andre, who may or may not ever appear in another episode. Phil, of course, points out that he’s black because it’s not like you can just have a black guy on a sitcom without explaining his existence.

Oh man I almost Totally Accidentally forgot to tell you about the epicly boring Jay being self-conscious about dancing thing. Mitchell gives him “something that some people take at clubs to, you know, loosen up”and he hits the dance floor.

Mitchell: A gay man who hates dancing lives in a sad and lonely world

The drug? baby aspirin. Trickery is my fave.

New Girl

“Naked”
by Brittani

Jess interrupts the guys watching a scary movie and ruins it. OH JESS. I don’t know. I think maybe that’s what they want us to do. Put our hands on our hips, tilt our heads to the side, and say, “Oh that Jess!” Always ruining everything by being a person.”

Nick has a date. His first since his no good awful break-up. They tell Nick to suck in his gut to get the girl which I think is silly. If she cared about his non-existent belly, she wouldn’t have agreed to go out with him in the first place, right?

Nick checks himself out in the mirror before breaking into dance. That’s how I get my self-esteem up too. I don’t know what it is you lose from in front of the mirror to out in the real world but it’s something crucial. Jess goes into the room to tell him to turn the music down but oh no! She is a TV person and doesn’t wait to be told to come in. She enters and sees the whole package, giggles, then retreats out of the room.

Winston can’t find a job. I refuse to discuss this further. Later, Amanda from the bar wants to get it on after her date with Nick but he is damaged goods and refuses to get undressed. I thought Lake Bell was really funny. Funnier than her name even.

Nick: President Obama?
Amanda: I like him to watch over me.

When Nick returns in the morning, Jess suggests maybe he’s not one for meaningless sex. He retorts that he is a man and thus must be. Unless men solely have sex with men (which they don’t), I think this means that women engage in this activity as well. But what do I know? Lesbians only cuddle.

Model CeCe pops in to give some advice. Jess should flash her vadge badge to even things out. As fate would have it, Nick brings Amanda to his room while Jess waits in the wings to reveal herself. When she realizes what’s happening, she hides behind the bed but Nick sees her as she tries to crawl out. He yells, she runs, the towel drops, she welcomes Amanda to their home.

Schmidt, seemingly out of nowhere, has a breakdown and admits he hates his life while running with Winston. In his attempt to cheer up his friend, he realizes how much of a sham his own life is. This is a thing that happens.

Schmidt: I suffer from exercise induced asthma.
Winston: Do you suffer from exercise induced crying?

Jess says penis a lot to prove she is mature. I know, right.

Are you glad New Girl is back?

Happy Endings

“Lying Around”
by Brittani

Dave unveils a new sandwich, The Steaktanic. He needs something to pull ahead of Dogs in Heat. Max wants to direct a commercial for him but Dave would rather go with a professional. That turns out awful so he lets Max have a go at it. Alex goes on a date with Liam, one of Penny’s extras. Turns out Liam is a romantic baller or a show off and he rents out the entire restaurant Millionaire Matchmaker Style for their first date. Penny becomes unhappy with her comfortable dating situation when she finds out what could have been hers.

Penny: We watched Con-Air with the director’s commentary. So here I am laughing and learning.

Brad is practicing parkour indoors when he’s reminded that Sarah, Jane’s sorority sister, is coming to town. Brad lies and says he has a work retreat in Michigan to avoid the duo. Sarah has to cancel last minute to host an intervention for her father. Left to enjoy the lush activities she had planned for them by her lonesome, Jane elects to carry on even after discovering Brad lied.

Jane: Picked up my knitting again. And you better believe that I don’t stick to the conventional stitches. Guess you can say I’m a knitter with attitude.

Max’s commercial was riveting but never mentioned Steak Me Home Tonight or even steak sandwiches. In fact, it probably helped the competition. Good thing there’s this website to bring in customers. Brad finds out he’s been double crossed and it leads to confrontation. The couple realizes maybe they need some time apart since they do everything together, including buying cheese. Penny and Alex switch dates again but Penny still isn’t happy. The grass is always greener on the other side or some such.

Fred Savage? Fred Savage! Fred Savage.

Televisionary: New Girl, Happy Endings, Up All Night & Modern Family

Modern Family, Happy Endings, Up All Night and New Girl happened again this week. I guess they haven’t been abruptly canceled after three episodes.

New Girl, which has been picked up for a full season, is going to be bringing on Lizzy Caplan, who you have a crush on, for a multi-episode story arc. Up All Night has also been granted a full-season order.

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New Girl

by Brittani

This week on New Girl, the boys continue to tell Jess she’s weird and should change who she is. Do friends say that to each other? I thought that kind of degradation was reserved for significant others.

Schmidt: We’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.

The roommates are at Steve and Bree’s Asian-Jewish wedding. Schmidt runs into his usual wedding hook-up, Gretchen (Natasha Lyonne). She wears pants suits and lets him know that she plans on having sex with him at the end of the night. Uugh. Gross. Women on this show. Look at them with their confidence and personality quirks.

Gretchen: I’m gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.

Schmidt would much rather go home with Brooke (Katie Cassidy) who was the hot girl in college. Now she is as interesting as a cardboard box. Which is a disservice to cardboard boxes because kids and cats both love them shits. She also is a recovering alcoholic. That’s all we know about her. Really she serves to let us know Schmidt was “Fat Schmidt” in college and perhaps that helps explain why he is a complete turd basket. Now he’s overcompensating and trying to prove he’s a different, better person now because he’s “more attractive” or some such. I don’t know. I didn’t major in psychology.

Winston’s storyline was boring and stupid again. He got into an usher off with a little kid, then a dance off, and then he offered Jess the encouragement she needed to help Nick. That’s right. It was Jess’s turn to fix people this time. Nick’s ex, Caroline, was at the wedding and she does that thing that ex’s do. You know, flirt with you just enough that you can’t quite let go. You know what I’m talking about. You probably do it. You’re so manipulative. Don’t do that. It’s mean.

Jess: Come on in honey. The water’s fine.

Jess pretends to be Nick’s girlfriend and while trying to help, she drives Brooke and Caroline away. Nick ends up drunk and whiny in a photobooth but the only person he wants to talk to is Jess. She tells him he has to cut Caroline off. He listens and is all the better for it. Then they all forgive Jess and celebrate by doing a Craigslist mating ritual which we’re told is the chicken dance in slow motion.

Some people probably wanted Jess to tell them to screw off but then there wouldn’t be a show. So where do they go from here? Does Jess keep being Jess and they keep hating her for it? Does she change? Do they accept that women can have personalities? Because that’s the real problem isn’t it? She’s not there to please them. She’s there to figure out how to be happy and enjoy life and neither of those things necessitate she wears sexy dresses or stops liking the things that she likes. The woman that we see on TV standing up for herself and doing her, so to speak, is also childlike and at times, clueless. Do these things contradict? Or is this a realistic portrayal? Do you know a Jess? Are you a Jess? Should we all take pictures holding signs that say “I am Jess” to protest nothing in particular but because it’s seems like something people would do if they wanted to make a point?

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Modern Family

by Lizz

This week’s Camitchell plot line was pretty typical. One was mad because the other Always Does This. Lilly made a brief but adorable appearance. Did you know that the actress who plays Lilly on Modern Family was actually recast? It’s a new little actress! God why didn’t anyone tell me? Here I was walking around thinking the actress had just grown…a lot.. really fast.

Elsewhere, Claire gets herself in to a tizzy about traffic. Again. No one in the family would help her out, but then, like magic/comedy writing, they all do. Phil spent the whole episode being goofy and appealing to Luke as they tried to recreate for an accidental off-the-head basketball shot for Youtube.

Even more elsewhere, Jay forces Manny to go around selling wrapping paper to build character because Jay subscribes to the method of parenting pioneered by Dad in Calvin and Hobbs. Actually, I think it’s been quite heartwarming the way Jay has slowly begun to treat Manny like he’s his son. Jay even says, “I’m an old parent.” While that sentimental stuff is going on, Gloria loses the dog (Stella) because she leaves the gate open and she has to find her before Jay realizes what she’s done. And Ricky still won’t let Lucy be in the show! I don’t want to say this show is getting formulaic, but….

Why Close the Gate?:

Gloria: “We live in a nice neighborhood. What are you afraid of? That some money is going to fly in and then your gardener is going to have to rake it up?”

Oh. I’m sorry. Did I say this show was getting formulaic? What I meant to say was David Cross guest stared as the head of the Traffic Council!

next: Up All Night and Happy Endings

Televisionary: Modern Fam, Up All Night, New Girl, Big Bang & Happy Endings

Here we are again.

Modern Family

by Lizz

Modern Family was, you know, really funny and stuff. Mitchell and Cam were, as usual, really good for Americans to see on TV. They were all in love and on a juice diet. Okay– the juice diet kind of drove them mad.

Meanwhile, over at the Dunphys, Haley wore feathers in her hair a la Aria and I couldn’t wait to tell you about it. The feathers were only on one side of her hair so she managed not to look like a chicken. Also, Phil made some serious moves towards walking on a tightrope. By serious moves, I mean he actually managed to do it. I was impressed.

I loved that the MF writers gave Phil a chance to be a dreamer without the Screwing Up Afterwords every time. Also, it gave Claire a chance to show how in love she is with Phil. It was really really kind of really cute.

Just Awesome:

Phil: How awesome are people?
Luke: So awesome.

Up All Night

by Lizz

Up All Night totally got better. Okay, I dunno if I’d call it totally… but it got better. There were moments of actual laughter. It’s a start.

I wasn’t going to watch again after the “meh” first two episodes, but I really want to love Up All Night! We don’t get a lot of shows with female comedic stars (except for this year where I swear there’s like five) and I want to really give the writers a chance to wow me with Maya Rudolph. Like I said though, funnier. There was even a solid fake 90’s pop song.

Oh, did you not know that Maya Rudolph’s character used to be a 90’s popstar? Because, yeah, that’s a thing.

I guess the premise of this episode was:

1). Sometimes relationships lose their sexiness after a baby
2). If someone was bad for you in the past they are probably bad for you now.

In a lot of ways, these were much more successful premises than the last two weeks because they were more reflective of the age of the characters. Simply having the plot-line of “zomg babies make gender roles complicated” just wasn’t going to cut it for too long. Also I was so pleased to see Rudolph given some truly hilarious SNL-esque musical scenes.

Well, I promised my roommate if this episode really sucked I wouldn’t make her watch another. Fortunately/unfortunately this week’s episode was good enough to merit another episode.

+

New Girl

by Brittani

 What the eff, man. The second episode was disappointing. I previously felt no particular way towards Zooey Deschanel but I legitimately like her on this show. Outside of Coach, the other characters brought, I don’t know…absolutely nothing to the table and I still liked it. I don’t think all shows have to be groundbreaking or razor sharp to be enjoyable. Little moments can make a show and Deschanel has a way of capitalizing on those. She can almost make you forget about how Winston spent half the episode convincing Schmidt he is the top dog so Schmidt could be tricked into switching rooms. I would say you can’t make this up but someone did. Someone literally made this up and they should be punished.

Speaking of Winston. he’s there because Coach is gone. We don’t know why but he is.  Black dudes gotta do black dude things. And so he’s been replaced with a different athletically inclined black dude and the switch is so underplayed, almost ignored, that some people may not even notice. Except they should. Because the new dude was NOT FUNNY. You know what else wasn’t funny? The cold open. Schmidt trying to find where he’s sexiest in his room? Nowhere. There’s not a single place in which you are sexy.

After that, there are five minutes of morning time some other day. It’s before work and these people are all up at the same time, alert and speaking words. Doing things that don’t include wiping the sleep from their eyes or grumbling indistinguishable syllables at each other about burnt toast. Then they play basketball! In the apartment. That is above someone else’s apartment. I suppose everyone in the building is a morning person that enjoys the echoes of dribbling to accompany the rising sun. But the story must go on so Jess bounce passes the ball into the TV and oh no! it shatters. I really don’t think that’s how things would go down if a ball got bounced into a screen so maybe someone who knows about surface energy could tell me how plausible this is. If surface energy is a real term.

Now that the TV is broken, Jess has to replace it and whadyaknow. She has a TV at her old apartment with her old boyfriend but her feelings are not old. She doesn’t want to go back and get the TV or the rest of her stuff.  Ex-boyfriend is her “kryptonite.” Things that are my kryptonite: overdraft fees, the word masks, arm hair, Quinn Fabray’s storyline.

Jess has to work up the courage to confront her boyfriend and guess who shows up when there’s a problem (because that’s the only time you really need friends). None other than catty racially ambiguous model. It is a low point, not only for me but humanity, when I’m not remotely interested in this woman. I didn’t even IMDB her. (Someone I did recently IMDB, Meghan Markle. I recommend.) Anyway, Jess gets her stuff back and there is bonding with her male roommates who continue to save the day/world/our species using threats and violence.

+

Happy Endings

by Brittani

Last season there were a bunch of shows that garnered the obligatory Friends comparison because they had a cast of six. There was NBC’s Perfect Couples (shite), Fox’s Traffic Lights (meh), and ABC’s midseason replacement, Happy Endings (!!!). In the end there can only be one Highlander so Happy Endings was the only show to be renewed.

The cast boasts UCB performer and everyone’s favorite chubby skinny dude, Adam Pally, stand-up comedian and Wayans family member, Damon Wayans Jr., SNL vet Casey Wilson, 24 actress and Girl Next Door, Elisha Cuthbert, and Eliza Coupe who previously enjoyed sitcom success on Scrubs. Then there’s Zachary Knighton.

The show is about a group of friends that try to maintain their cohesiveness after Cuthbert’s character leaves Knighton’s at the altar.

Unfortunately, this is the show’s biggest weakness as no one really cares what happens to them and I think most people would rather they stay apart. I like this show because they are constantly eating and drinking. So much so that Pally’s Max has referred to Miller Lites as M. Lite Shyamalans and Wilson’s Penny has ordered a “round of sambucs.” Most of the time nothing more is happening than them eating, drinking, and hanging out but it’s hilarious. It fully embraces the fact that sitcoms have tenious premises to begin with and their strength lies in character development and chemistry. The strength of the ensemble allows them to couple characters off in different pairings while three different, sometimes outrageous, stories progress simultaneously. Impressive when some shows struggle to keep their minor plots entertaining.

You’ll also be glad to know there is a gay character. Max guarantees there are gay jokes every episode. In the first season we learned that Coupe’s Jane had a lesbian phase in college. A looong one.

The season opener made me realize just how much I’d missed the show. Penny, arguably the show’s most hilarious character, puts her season one catchphrase “a-mah-zing” to rest and introduces us to the Year of Penny.

Max and Brad are up their usual antics which cause Max to try and prove he can be black and later on, professional when Brad is spending less time with him to hang with his black friends. This is one of the reasons I love the show. They don’t tokenize the black or gay character and they have two of the main characters in an interracial marriage. They don’t try to slip a character of color/queer character in hoping that no one notices. And now you’re probably thinking, “Why do they have to acknowledge that characters are of color/are queer? Shouldn’t they be treated the same as the rest of the cast?” Sure, I guess. Can you CC that memo to everyone in the real world?

If you haven’t seen Happy Endings, you should give it a try. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea but at least there are a half dozen cute cats in this episode.

+

Big Bang Theory

by Lizz

The single most important part of this week’s episode of Big Bang was that in the first few minutes Bernadette wore a dress I have! Guys, I’m famous.

Bernadette and Howard leave the other characters for their own boring “hetero marriages are hard” plot line and Kunal Nayyar was obviously not on pay roll for this episode or something. Moving along to characters I care about, I think Amy Farrah Fowler might be my favorite new character on Big Bang. At this point, I even like her better than half of the regular cast. Probably my feelings are mostly just really related to how excited I was when I found out that Blossom got a PhD on TV and in real life. This week was all about Amy as she and Leonard went to a wedding together. Why didn’t she take Sheldon? Oh this is why:

Leonard: This wedding just reminds me of my kind of sort of girlfriend nine thousand miles away
Amy: Well I have a kind of sort of boyfriend who’s playing with a model train right now and you don’t near me bitchin’ about it.

Leonard is a bit dreary at first because, you know, he’s on a date with his awkward friend’s awkward girlfriend. Because sitcoms love tropes, this episode falls right in to Give Geeks a Chance and Leonard realized Amy’s actually really fun. No like, in love with her fun (because he’s still pining over Priya/Penny/Other girls that are too hot for Johnny Galecki, just like Oh Sometime It’s Okay To Have Fun and Dance Even When You’re Really Dramatic All The Time. Upon hearing about their lovely evening (and a slightly misunderstood pulled-groin reference) Sheldon decides Leonard must have made a move on Amy– and Spock karate chops him in the shoulder. It was all very adorable (he was wearing a conductor’s hat at the time).

Similarly, Amy inevitably decides that Leonard has fallen in love with her as she was “charming, supportive and, let face it, in this dress the perfect combination of virgin and madonna.” She’s not interested in him, of course, because boys are icky and smelly. Amy even has a hilarious moment where she almost makes a pass at Penny. Not a full blown pass, but I’ll be curious to see if the writers actually take us somewhere with this. Big bang is typically a show that pushes the boundaries of acceptable closeness in non-sexual relationships (Howard and his mom, Howard and Rajesh, Penny and Sheldon) and perhaps their intention is to extend that to Amy and Penny’s relationship. It seems pretty unlikely though– my guess is their intent is to make Amy seem rather like a little kid obsessed with her babysitter’s long hair.

Epically Wonderful moment:

Amy: Oh Penny, as much as I would treasure knowing the two of use had been defiled by the same man, Leonard just doesn’t get my motor running.
Penny: So, um, what are you going to do, do you want me to talk to Leonard, let him down easy?
Amy: No, I’ll let him have tonight. Then, in the morning, I’ll send him an email letting him know this body is never going to be his wonderland… I mean frankly you’ve got a better shot than he does.

Everybody Loves Zooey: Is “The New Girl” Moving In For Good?

Firstly,  I like Zooey Deschanel a bunch. Deschanel was awesome in the movies 500 days of Summer (2009) and Elf (2003) and of course her band with M. Ward She & Him. So I was excited to watch the first episode of “The New Girl.“

According to The Wall Street Journal, ratings for “The New Girl” were off the charts — over 10 million viewers tuned in and most of them were young. Television ratings people really like youngsters.

But this entire show is premised on the idea that she needs dudes (her male roommates) to teach her how to date and dress, therefore saving her from that rascaly quirky personality of hers that’s making her so damn unbearable to the opposite sex. I feel like I’ve already seen this happen in a Sandra Bullock romantic comedy.

In one of the excerpt clips available streaming on Hulu the new potential male roomates debate the pros and cons of having a female roommate. Pros include “smells nice” and “good at folding.” Cons, obviously — women are just so emotionally unstable!

Look, she can’t walk in heels:

I might be alone in feeling tired by all this — The Los Angeles Times loved The New Girl and its usage of “sexiness as dorkiness”:

Which is to say, with the occasional sensual growl and knowing twinkle in her eye, letting everyone know that Jess is in on the joke. Like the men around her, she has a level of self-awareness that belies her often clumsy actions, which makes their little experiment in gender studies much more intriguing than a simple “male friends help dowdy girl become a Real Woman” plot line.

Viewers will come to see Deschanel but they’ll stay for the whole package because smart writing, confident timing and characters that are both familiar yet surprisingly fresh make “New Girl” the most promising comedy, and one of the most promising shows, of the season.

Possibly, if they keep watching the show.

The New Girl is one of many new shows this season about girls — we’ve got the laugh-tracked “hipsters” of 2 Broke Girls, the bunnies in The Playboy Club, the flight attendants of Pam An, a sitcom called Whitney about a comedian named Whitney, that Are You There Vodka It’s Me Chelsea? thing — but none of them have really lived up to their hype so far. Does The New Girl?

In Fall TV’s Gender Wars: 6 Talking Points, The Week magazine asks if this season is truly the “season of female empowerment” everyone’s saying it is.

Talking point 3:

But these heralded “lady comedies” may actually be sexist
For all of the talk of girl power, these female-centric sitcoms “rehash old stereotypes,” says Jessica Grose at Slate. New Girl and 2 Broke Girls are not “so much about girl power as they are girl strategy” — using “stereotypical ‘girl’ qualities” like flirtiness and feigned innocence to get ahead, says Ken Tucker at Entertainment Weekly. And Whitney, with its deluge of jokes about biological clocks and being “whipped,” is the most “unself-awarely retro-sexist show on television,” says Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon. And that in a season with Playboy bunnies, sexy stewardesses, and Charlie’s Angels.

Are these roles actually empowering, or do they just seem that way compared to what else is out there? Although women are chronically misrepresented in just about every area of entertainment media, television has always been a more equitable place for female characters. Our editor pointed out to me that in the 90s, strong women were anything but scarce: Murphy Brown, Cybill, Grace Under Fire, Roseanne, Ellen, Thea, Caroline in the City, Blossom, Golden Girls, The Nanny, Sister Sister, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Living Single — but in this 1998 article about The Murphy Brown finale, The Los Angeles Times noted:

I am woman. Hear me roar–right off the air… [Murphy Brown, Cybill and Ellen] were assertive,  outspoken, funny, strong, and now they’re gone…

In their place is a sea of comedy babes–younger, ditsier and cheerier. Dharma of “Dharma & Greg” is the ultimate flower child grown-up; Ally of “Ally McBeal” is now famous for her quirky fantasies and moments of tongue-tied awkwardness; Brooke Shields’ Susan, of “Suddenly Susan,” is struggling to find her voice and backbone…

“I kind of characterize the new ones as lovers and the old ones going out as fighters,” muses producer and writer Diane English.

The article says this kind of thing is “cyclical,” which seems to make sense. This fall’s crop of new shows seems to be somewhere in the middle — and it’s worth pointing out that generally shows about men play on the same gender-based humor, too.

I really want to like this show because I really like Zooey Deschanel — and in this “behind the scenes” clip, Zooey herself says “you never see female roles written this well.”

Am I thinking too hard or is this just another show that plays up old stereotypes we’ve seen a million times before? If it is, can it still be funny? Her style and charm do  shine through, but I don’t know that it’s enough to make up for the plot. What did you think?