Teen Choice Awards Liveblog And Open Thread

It’s just about the end of the summer and you know what that means! It’s time to give brightly colored surf boards out to celebrities as voted on by teenagers with access to a computer! It’s time for the Teen Choice Awards!

There are something like 86 different awards voted on and probably only like 10 will actually be announced tonight. So why am I watching? Because I absolutely love Pretty Little Liars’ Lucy Hale (aka Aria Montgomery) and Glee’s Darren Criss (aka Gay Blaine).

In addition to Ellen Degeneres’s usual Choice Comedian nomination, tons of shows with gay characters are nominated this year including Pretty Little Liars, The Fosters, Glee, Modern Family, New Girl, The Voice, Under the Dome, Teen Wolf and probably a bunch more I forgot about. Also TV Lesbian Shay Mitchell and Alternative Life Style Haircut Recipient Miley Cyrus will be presenting!

In other words, for the third year in a row, I’m covering the Teen Choice Awards because everyone on staff knew I’d be watching them anyways.

Join me at 8pm EST to see all the magic happen!

8pm EST: I guess this show is starting off with some One Direction? I don’t know anything about these guys and, oh yeah, also I don’t care about them at all. Except I hate that “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” song. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They are like five Justin Biebers.

8:05pm EST: Lucy Hale’s dress is so cute! And I love her shoes! Darren Criss’s outfit is moderately boring. I think he could use some fashion tips from some cute dapper lesbians.

Now as you might remember, there are a billion awards. So when people win multiple awards the host/announcer just awkwardly lists them. Speaking of which….

One Direction Wins a Ton of Choice Music Awards

I’m not even going to list them. It sounded like basically every award they were nominated for.

8:08pm EST: Wait. One Direction is British?

8:10pm EST: Did anyone else hear how oddly Darren Criss just said “Liam?”

Rebel Wilson wins for Choice Comedy Actress for Pitch Perfect

I fucking loved Pitch Perfect. And I love Rebel Wilson. No one can take that away from me. I think they just censored her saying something awesome. At least she’s wearing that awesome wetsuit.

Skyler Astin wins for Choice Comedy Actor for Pitch Perfect

Meh. He was fine in the movie. He was no Rebel Wilson that’s for sure. I heard he was also in Spring Awakening though. I feel that.

8:15pm EST: Okay, this is what’s so hard about the Teen Choice Awards. The awards come so fast and potentially in no particular order except who is on stage at that moment.

 Pitch Perfect wins for Choice Comedy Movie.

Anna Camp accepts the award on behalf of the whole cast. She is dressed like a figure skater.

8:20pm EST: I’m thoroughly enjoying The Gleeks versus the Pretty Little Liars Fans. Obviously I’m on team Pretty Little Liars because I’m all Paily all the time. Side note: this is getting awkward and obviously wasn’t properly rehearsed.

Darren Criss: What’s your favorite Pretty Little Liars episode?
Jane Lynch: I’ve never heard of that show.

8:25pm EST: Yay! It’s that guy from Superbad and Chloë Grace Moretz announcing the Choice Break Up Song! It’s Tay Swift and Rihanna and Selena Gomez with a song that’s… not about breaking up? So who of course wins?

Selena Gomez wins Choice Break Up Song for “Come and Get It”

+Alright, drink every time Lucy Hale says “We teens” despite the fact that she’s 24!

+Drink every time someone tells you to take a pledge to not text and drive.

8:30pm EST: A Disney Channel Girl and The Kid From Teen Wolf announce Choice TV Drama! I hope Pretty Little Liars wins because even though I love Gossip Girl it ended like last fall. It would be cool if Switched At Birth won too.

Woooo! Pretty Little Liars Wins for Choice TV Drama, Summer TV Show and basically every award any of the actors were nominated for

Is it fucked up that I find Pretty Little Liars’ wins deeply validating of my lifestyle?

8:35pm EST: I’ve been hearing this “Cruise” song all summer long but I had no idea it was by these Florida Georgia Line guys. I just figured it was Train or something. They’re still making music right?

Do you think five years ago Nelly thought that at almost 40 he would be doing this with his career? Playing the Teen Choice Awards with two pseudo-country singers?

8:40pm EST: I’m not entirely sure why Lucy Hale is wearing a referee jersey but I’m pretty sure that’s a new lingerie look I’m going to add to my personal collection.

I guess the blonde dude presenting is Cody Simpson. My roommate says he’s like the Justin Bieber of Australia.

Gabby Douglas Wins Choice Female Athelete

While I would have preferred Brittney Griner or Megan Rapinoe be nominated/win, look how fucking cute Gabby Douglas is! I love her cute yellow dress! I hope she’ll be at the 2016 Olympics. Unless since she’s 17 now she’ll be too old/tall by then.

8:45pm EST: The Acuvue Inspire Award being simultaneously presented by Demi Lovato and Fifth Harmony just feels like a huge ad for X Factor sponsored by Acuvue. They award it to Nick Jonas for having Type I Diabetes. No, seriously. That’s basically what they just said.

Nick Jonas looks so effing old.

8:50pm EST: Even though it’s gone seriously downhill and Ryan Murphy doesn’t care about us….

Glee wins for Choice TV Comedy

And every single person in the entire cast shows up to accept the award. I guess also to speak publicly about Corey Monteith’s death. Important points of interest:

+Why do they let Artie speak ever?!
+How fresh are Alex Newell’s heels.
+Can I please have a picture of Naya Rivera wearing that outfit poster size for my bedroom? Thanks.

+Everyone in the cast looks pretty upset about Cory’s death. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be. It’s insane that they went right back to filming and that they’re writing his death into the show.

 Lea Michele Swings Back for for Choice TV Comedy Actress

I can’t even handle Lea Michele tears right now. I think I’m actually also about to cry too. But it’s also sort weird that they took this moment as a tribute to him. It feels sad and overly constructed at the same time.

8:55pm EST: I am loving Lucy Hale’s hot pink dress costume change.

How did Abigail Breslin get so old? Time huh? it just keeps moving! Also I think that Hailee Steinfeld is dressed as cartoon TNT.

Logan Lerman wins for Choice Movie Actor in Perks of Being a Wallflower
(beating out Hugh Jackman)

It always cracks me up that only at the Teen Choice Awards do Academy Award nominees/Golden Globe winners get undercut by cute guys in their twenties.

9:00pm EST: I wish that Demi Lovato was singing her “Heart Attack” song. I like that one.

I hope that her hair is indicative of current hair styles, because in a few weeks I’m going to have like an inch of jet black roots too and I would love to call that a fashion statement.

Demi Lovato wins for Choice Female Music Artist

I’m pretty impressed that Demi Lovato just beat Taylor Swift. Perhaps the reign of T. Swift is finally over.

9:10pm EST: I’m pretty uncomfortable with the amount of time spent discussing twerking during this show. I guess there’s going to be a lot of twerking at the end of the show? I’m guessing lead by Miley Cyrus.

Ah yes. It is not time to announce the Ultimate Choice Award. Hilariously enough I’ve actually watched the TCAs enough times to know what this is. It’s like the TCA’s lifetime achievement award. I really liked watching it go to Twiight last year. On the other hand, listening to this dude talk about how he loves his bro Ashton Kutcher is totally boring. I’m just so bored of Ashton Kutcher.

It’s also basically just a big long ad for Kutcher’s new Steve Jobs biopic.

9:20pm EST How did I not know that Ashton Kutcher’s first name is actually Chris? But still, Ashton — I’m speaking directly to you — you know you’re old when you’re lecturing teenagers about hard work and how being smart is sexy. Again. A big long ad for Kutcher’s new Steve Jobs biopic.

9:21pm EST No but seriously guys I’m not done yet. There’s nothing worse that listening to someone speak who you know thinks they’re going to be quoted in the morning. Actually there is something worse: someone who thinks they’re going to be quoted in the morning and also thinks they’re an inspiration.

9:26pm EST Wow! Co-presenters I actually like! I’m pretty pleased someone thought to refer to Ian Somerhalder as The Smolder Holder. That’s just good copy. More importantly I want to hate Kerry Washington’s dress but I just like it so much. It’s so fun. Also she could probably wear a paper bag and look good and be talented and perfect. So.

9:30pm EST:

+Drink every time someone says “your votes matter”

I’m pretty impressed that the TV Choice Actor category has  two gay characters and one gay actor as nominees. And the gay actor wins!

Jim Parsons wins for Choice TV Comedy Actor

Yes! I fucking love Big Bang Theory. And I fucking love Jim Parsons.

9:35pm EST: I really like Paramore but I’m still surprised they’ve won so many Teen Choice Awards. I guess I didn’t realize the kids were so into The Rock Music these days. I can never get over what a stone cold fox Hayley Williams is. If possible I’d like to grow up to be her. Or just get her cute new alternative lifestyle haircut.

I’m also very into this punk ballerina dancers.

Miley Cyrus backstage biting a mini-surfboard. I die.

9:40pm EST: Holy shit Maia Mitchell aka Callie on The Fosters is Australian?! How did I miss this?!

Miley Cyrus wins Choice Summer Song for “We Can’t Stop”

Is this the part where Miley Cyrus finally comes out of the closet?

9:43pm EST: Still waiting for Miley to come out. Instead she just seems to be winning an award as a trend setter. Like for making the Alternative Lifestyle Haircut something for everyone.

9:45pm EST: Damn. I was really hoping she’d be like “Oh and by the way I’m bisexual y’all! Peace out!”

9:47pm EST: Oh what up Bruno Mars! Do you guys remember that time I inducted Bruno Mars into the lesbian haircut club?

Demi Lovato wins Choice Person Being a Person on Reality TV

9:50pm EST: I feel like when reality television stars win anything the person who does the footage editing should win the award.

9:55pm EST: According to Darren Criss and his motorcycle jacket it’s time for the last award of the night. And the last award? Given out by the cast of the new Percy Jackson movie. Even though the new Percy Jackson got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes I’m going to see it anyways because Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is my go-to hungover movie. 

9:57pm EST: I love that Sandra Bullock actually showed up to the TCAs. You just know it means that she had a niece or nephew who really wanted to come and see One Direction.

10:00pm EST: In conclusion, no one in this audience knows how to twerk and I think Darren Criss is dressed as a Pikachu. This has been the Teen Choice Awards.

Teen Choice Awards 2012 Liveblog and Open Thread

Hello lovers! It’s the Teen Choice Awards! Is there anything more exciting than watching Justin Bieber win award after award? I, for one, am riveted already.

Along with Justin Bieber, Flo Rida, Carly Rae Jepsen, DJ Pauly D and No Doubt will performing. Yes. No Doubt. This is something to actually be excited about.

Demi Lovato and that Other Guy We Hate From Glee, Kevin McHale, are hosting and it all starts right here (and on Fox) at 8pm EST.

8:00pm EST: Here we go!

8:02pm EST: We are only 2 minutes in to this shindig and men have already ripped their shirts off to reveal “Ellen.”

Can I just say this is a way better line-up and opening dance number than the MTV Movie Awards lineup.

8:04pm EST:Demi Lovato is dressed like an Amazon alien bubblebee from the 90s.

That “grew up in the same mall” joke would have been funny with way better time.

This “videos for Demi” is not funny at all. Boo.

8:08pm EST: So is Kevin singing to Demi improved or just really poorly written?

8:09pm EST:I had no idea that Selena Gomez and Zoey Dechanel were the same height. My world is rocked.

We won a thing! Ellen won last year too and this year managed to not dress like Justin Bieber. Too bad for the Biebs.

Ellen just handed two little ballerina princess girls mini awards for web stars. This needs to be on Butches with Babies immediately.

8:16pm EST:
This next category will be presented by Shaun White and some other guy!

Of course the Vampire Diaries would beat out True Blood. Only when teenagers vote for this shit online.

8:22pm EST: I just found out it’s Selena Gomez’s birthday! It is also my brother Aaron’s birthday. Happy birthday Aaron and Selena.

8:24pm EST: All of this discussion of Kevin’s failed boy band career and pictures of his childhood are making me hate him less for being Artie.

8:25pm EST: I wonder if will.i.am is jealous that Pauly D is the in house DJ this year?

OMG I’m so nervous that No Doubt is about to play. The anticipation is killing me.

8:26pm EST:

Me: Um. Am I supposed to know this song?
My Beau: No, it’s new. I love everything about this.
Me: I don’t know… it kind of just sounds like an old No Doubt song I’ve just never heard of.

Welp. At least it doesn’t sound like a solo Gwen Steffani song we just never heard of.

When are they going to play I’m Just a Girl?

8:30pm EST:Yay the cast from Pretty Little Liars! This is awkward though. Every person on stage won an award tonight except Shay Mitchell

8:32pm EST:

I never saw The Lucky One because ain’t nobody went to see that movie. But I do love me some High School Musical.

Wildcats get your head in the game.

My Beau: Oh. Wow. He filled out.

8:38pm EST: Yay the guys from Happy Endings! Presenting the award for… Choice Hotties…. I’m uncomfortable.

Miley Cyrus didn’t take the time to show. Love that. Ian Somerhalder is whatever but kept trying to take his shirt off. So thats a thing.

I love how Selena Gomez counts as a whole group. Like I get that technically she has a band. But, let’s get real. Selena just won. On her birthday! Cute.

8:43pm EST: Everyone singing Happy Birthday to Selena Gomez is the cutest. I’m glad cute things are still allowed to happen in this world.

8:48pm EST: Can everyone else see this adorable Harry Shum, Jr. texting while driving PSA?! I adore him.

Demi took a much needed costume change! Thank god!

8:48pm EST:

I actually loved 21 Jump Street and Jonah Hill is hilarious. I appreciate him pointing out that Christopher Plummer (who beat him out for an Oscar) was not nominated for anything at the TCA.

8:56pm EST: If Flo Rida is on stage, why does the camera keep panning to Taylor Swift? Oh right, because you can always count on her to be straight up full on dancing by herself.

8:57pm EST: Australian bisexual vegetarian singer Sia is so freaking hot. If she wants to just come over to my place and perform for me I would totally allow that.

[UPDATE: Sia is the artist in the original version of this song, but she was not on stage tonight at the TCA. That was some other hot biddie.]

9:04pm EST: I like how if someone doesn’t show up for an award they just list it off like this. KStew, what did you have to do tonight that was more important than taking home Choice Summer Actress. It better have been attending a gay pride. [Update: I’m an idiot]

9:07pm EST:

Well duh.

Wait. So KStew is here? I guess it’s a bigger deal to accept the Ultimate Choice award rather than her specific Choice Actress awards.

Yo Kstew’s braid looks so gay. That’s the new gay trend. Everyone go do it.

9:11pm EST: I’m highly concerned KStew and RPat physically giving their surf boards to the audience might incite a riot.

9:11pm EST: Welcome Chris Colfer and Victoria Justice! You already know I love my gay boyfriend Chris Colfer, but did you know that vicTORIous is my secret favorite Nick show.

Demi Lovato won this last year and is presenting even though she’s also hosting. Because of her struggles and stuff. I like that Miranda Cosgrove won basically because she’s going to college. But like, actually.

9:21pm EST: I think I just saw Rachel Bilson in the audience. Unconfirmed but really really critically important.

Lea Michele presenting Female Choice Artist? Bummer she isn’t on the list since Lea has PIPES.

I will be shocked if Taylor Swift doesn’t win Female Choice Artist.

Well duh. Did she even put out an album this year?

Taylor Swift is wearing white, because she always wears white because, she’s pure and virginal and doesn’t sully herself with dirty sexy or dirty colors.

9:29pm EST: OH MY GOD JUSTIN BIEBER PERFORMING.

Let’s not kid ourselves. We all think of this as “If I was your BOIfriend.”

9:32pm EST: Bieber is still singing. I hope he does something super cute for Selena Gomez because I’m super over invested in their relationship.

9:34pm EST: I think Bieber’s backup singers are wearing the outfits that cult members wear just prior to mass suicide.

9:34pm EST: I am so disappointed in Justin Bieber right now. This would have been a great moment for a proposal or an exaggerated display of love and promise.

9:37pm EST: I think the best part of tonight was the preview I just saw for Jennifer Lawrence’s new movie House at the End of the Street.

9:40pm EST: I like how Demi’s outfits are getting increasingly casual as the night progresses. By the end of the night I hope she’s just in a tank and yoga pants. That’s what I’m in.

My Beau: Don’t you mean “That’s what I’m into?” Because you love yoga pants girls?

9:41pm EST:

I love Josh because Josh loves the gays!

9:44pm EST: Why is Uncle Andy from Weeds wearing a monkey?

While the One Direction acceptance video is completely adorable, I wish they’d shown up so the teens won’t riot in the street. I hate rioting. This is why we can’t have nice things.

9:52pm EST: Is it wrong that I completely associate Zoe Saldana with Words With Girls?

I feel like of the awards given live are for men. Seriously. BOTP. Perhaps it’s to better aim the show at teen girls who’ve been systematically trained to swoon over shirtless older men.

Also, not to be nitpicky, but the microphones have been off this whole show too.

9:56pm EST:

So “Call Me Maybe” is going on. If I’m this tired of it I wonder how Carly Rae Jepsen feels. I mean, tired of it but I would maybe still make it my ringtone or tear up a bit if a stranger karaoked it to me in a gay bar, you know?

Luckily this was definitely generally better than the MTV Movie Awards. You know, like not a shitshow. Plus I think Demi and Kevin had actual good co-host chemistry. I mean, better than that time James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

10:00pm EST: Wow. That ended exactly on time. I’m impressed. I need a drink or seven.

2011 Teen Choice Awards Prove Teens Will Sometimes Choose Gays, Often Choose Bieber

Welcome to the Teen Choice Awards! The only awards show where most of the awards are casually mentioned instead of announced formally, will.i.am is the show DJ and the camera exclusively pans to Selena Gomez sitting with Justin Bieber.

I’m here to talk about them because… um… I was watching them anyways. Penny from Big Bang Theory (Kaley Cuoco) hosted, which was awesome for me because I’m a giant nerd and Big Bang Theory is my fourth favorite show.

The Teen Choice Awards are pretty long, but I’ll do my best to cover the gay/funny/awesome parts. This article is a little random and fragmented, but that’s okay because the Teen Choice Awards are a little random and fragmented. That’s probably because there are like 82 awards and they only announce 10 seemingly random ones.

First up, Ashton Kutcher accepted his award for Actor in a Romantic Comedy for No Strings Attached dressed like Sam Ronson.

Choice Comedian went to Ellen, which is a Big Fucking Deal because as it turns out, some women are really funny. A fact everyone seems to forget. Well, apparently Ellen is funnier than Daniel Tosh. Also, she dressed Exactly Like the Biebster. Twins.

At some point you have to start wondering if Bieber is doing this intentionally. Also, his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, performed with her band, “The Scene.” We have a Scene too. I wonder if it’s the same one…

I’m just going to show you the notes I took while her performance was going on:

Yo. I love Selena’s veil. Just like Hanna’s on PLL. I’ve never heard this song before. She has her own latin danc OMG JUSTIN BIEBER DANCES LIKE A LESBIAN.

http://youtu.be/McWe60MoPYo

It could also be that this is just how all Canadians dance.

Moving along, Ed Helms won Choice Hissy Fit in a movie. He thanked all the teens for buying tickets to Kung-Foo Panda and sneaking in to The Hangover Part II. It was pretty much the funniest joke of the night. I feel like he’s dressed in really cute lesbian workwear.

I need to stop saying that. Obviously, I think only people who wear sweaters over button-ups are lesbians. Like this guy from Twilight who won Movie Scene Stealer.

Guess who won for Choice TV Comedy: GLEEEEEE. Rachel wasn’t there, probably because she found out her spin-off shelved and was home crying about it (like me). Also our favorite male identified lesbian won for Choice Actor in a Comedy. Darren Criss also won for breakout star! Gay wins! Darren is shorter than I thought he would be. That’s okay. Everyone needs to look at Artie’s outfit right now.

Then they showed an ad– I mean a Sneak Peek– of the new Glee 3D movie. Heather Morris says in it that she would shave her head to be a Warbler. Win.

Taylor Swift won the TCA‘s version of a lifetime achievement award– THE ULTIMATE CHOICE AWARD. Emma Stone presented it. Emma Stone is so hot I can’t even handle it. She and Taylor both wore white because white is so hot this season/they wanted to show us what their lesbian wedding would be like. Does Taylor Swift remind anyone else of Jessica from True Blood?

In other news, Demi Lovato is back on top. Basically she won an award for inspiring young girls by joining the Love is Louder Than the Pressure to Be Perfect Campaign and through her song, “Skyscraper.” The presenters even openly said she sought help for depression and an eating disorder this past year. Usually people use euphemisms like “tough times” and “poor self-image.” I think the Teen Choice Awards decision to be honest and upfront about serious issues that affect tons of women is commendable.

I don’t know if it’s the lighting, but she looks like she’s glowing to me.

To follow, Tyra Banks reminded us that the winner of America’s Next Top Model is Tyra Banks by talking about what a hard year Demi must have had and by repeating her message about loving yourself. Guys, Tyra can see your beauty. Don’t worry, it totally wasn’t a downer though– she completely smized the whole time.

At this point the show was getting a little slow, so obviously it was time for the Biebster to win Choice Male Artist. He was still dressed like Ellen. He and Sean Kingston hugged and it was adorable.

Okay. You guys aren’t going to believe this, but there is actually an award for Choice Vampire. I’m serious. This is real. But Pam wasn’t even on the list! What gives? R.Pat won, of course, but there was actually a positive message in here somewhere. The award was sponsored by the Cancer Bites Campaign starting this fall. Cancer Bites is a campaign that brings together actors who play vampires to raise money for and bring awareness to blood cancers. Blood cancers are the most common types of cancer in those under 18, so a lot of you should care about this (if you are under 18/have a child/know someone under 18/have a heart).

Speaking of R.Pat, he also won for Choice Actor in a Drama for Water for Elephants over Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network. You might remember Jesse Eisenberg from when he was nominated for an Oscar for that role.

For the finale, the TCA ran a goodbye montage for Harry Potter. I cried. The end of Harry Potter brings up a lot of emotions for me and I don’t understand why they needed to sully such a beautiful night with something so sad.

At this point I realized the show was actually over without Pretty Little Liars winning anything. Obviously I was pretty upset. In truth, The Morning After on Hulu summed it up pretty well:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/266285/the-morning-after-teen-choice-awards-speed-cap

In conclusion, light on the homogay content, heavy on the Bieber. Ron rules.