Ted Lasso Drops Its Lesbian Relationship Storyline Like a Hot Potato

Last week’s Ted Lasso episode, “We’ll Never Have Paris,” should’ve been titled “We’ll Never Have a Lesbian Relationship On This Show That Lasts More Than Four Episodes.” Across a meandering hour of television, we got a whole thing with Ted hanging out with his son and singing “Hey Jude” at a picnic table and also Ted being paranoid that his ex-wife’s boyfriend might propose to her in Paris and also Nate dating that girl from the restaurant. Surprisingly enough, I don’t really care about any of those things. What we’re here to discuss today is the arc that was mostly about Keeley but somehow also ended up being about the entire football team: a massive leak of sexual photos and videos featuring noted actors and athletes and politicians, amongst them (1) video starring our very own bisexual PR queen Keeley Jones. 

The leaked masturbation video, which Keeley had sent to an ex-boyfriend famous enough to have his phone hacked, is eventually what leads to her breakup with rich hottie Jack (Jodi Balfour), noted desecrator of first-edition Jane Austen novels.

Their storyline opens in a place of hope: Keeley and Jack in bed after having sex, flushed and overjoyed. But the leak immediately thrusts the pair off-track. Despite Keeley’s pitch-perfect deconstruction of Julia Roberts’ Pretty Woman Kentucky Derby outfit, Jack un-invites Keeley from a pre-planned family outing to the polo match and instead takes Keeley mini-golfing, where she introduces Keeley as her “friend” to a friend from uni. (Jack’s intent in that specific moment is unclear: is she referring to Keeley as a friend because of internalized or external homophobia, or because she’s ashamed to call Keeley her girlfriend after the leak?)

While Keeley is upset by the leak and needs emotional support from Jack, she’s firmly aware that she did nothing wrong by creating the video for her ex in the first place. Jack, however, is not quite so sex-positive, and she ends up insisting that Keeley “fix” the problem by delivering an apologetic statement crafted by Jack’s team. “I’m sorry, but it’s not a great look when the person I’m seeing whose company I fund has a porno online,” Jack insists.

Keeley notes that the video leak wasn’t her fault and therefore she has nothing to apologize for. Jack says it is Keeley’s fault for making the video in the first place and says it’s nothing to be proud of. Keeley says she doesn’t regret making the video or sending it. Jack asks if there are “more out there.” Has Jack seriously never sent or received a nude? Who is this person?

Regardless, after five lines of contentious dialogue, Jack exits Keeley’s apartment and the entire relationship. I truly cannot imagine any world in which this argument wouldn’t at least have the chance to play itself out before one party exits the relationship — while I’m willing to buy Jack’s sudden slut-shaming prudishness revealing itself under these circumstances, Jack’s apparent disinterest in even listening to or trying to understand Keeley’s (correct) point of view is downright bizarre.

“The connection they had was very real; I think they were falling in love, big-time,” Balfour told Vulture in an interview last week about the breakup. “And I imagine that Jack will continue to walk through her life with a lot of regret, and will hopefully begin to unpack what was going on for her in that moment, that she couldn’t see past this very patriarchal, shaming point of view to be the support to this woman she was falling in love with.”

I hope Jack is not the only person on the Ted Lasso set who will walk through their lives with similar regret for ripping this fresh ‘ship out of our cold queer hands.

Something felt uncomfortably familiar about this dynamic playing itself out in an episode where Roy (almost) and Jamie (fully) checked in with Keeley to offer support after learning of the leak. Jamie — the video’s original recipient — was specifically a real sweetheart about it. I don’t think “ex-boyfriend is the source of comfort in an episode where the current girlfriend is the bad guy” is an official TV Trope, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending. (There are certainly traces of it in early iterations of the Bisexual Love Triangle.) This felt like a 2006 lesbian storyline, not a 2023 lesbian storyline.

Most of all, I think Jodi Balfour and Juno Temple were really hot together and we deserved more of that, you know? Like, as a community!

Ted Lasso’s Jane Austen Catastrophe Unites Queers in Outrage!

Last time we talked about Ted Lasso, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and Keeley was putting the moves on her boss, Jack (a lady). It’s important that I’m saying “A Lady” here for reasons that will become apparent in just a moment, but for now, let us revel in the fact that Keeley and Jack are full-on dating, and their kiss wasn’t just a one-off queer smooch intended as a tiny little bump on Keeley’s journey back to Roy Kent.

Keeley is handing dating Jack the ways she handles dating in general, with a wide open heart and adorable flirting. Jack is handling dating Keeley in a way that only very rich people handle dating, something Rebecca notices because her ex-husband, Rupert, wooed her the same way. Jack, Rebecca says, is displaying classic symptoms of love bombing. Expensive gifts, expensive dinners, expensive jet rides, generally acting like you exist inside an episode of Succession, which should be a red flag enough because the entire point of Succession is beautiful, rich people being miserable in fancy clothes at glamorous locations. Rebecca doesn’t want Keeley to be miserable in the Alps! Or in Paris! Or even en route to one of those places in a PJ (private jet)! And so, when Keeley tells Rebecca that Jack gave her a first edition signed copy of Sense and Sensibility, a signature above which Jack has scrawled, in permanent marker, “Keeley, you go girl,” Rebecca tells her best friend to just be careful.

When this episode of Ted Lasso, “The Strings That Bind Us,” landed, I felt such a strong disturbance in the Queer Force that I started to shiver without knowing why. We, as a people, hardly agree on TV anymore. Even we, as an Autostraddle TV Team, have vastly different opinions these days. Thanks to the fact that there’s just so much out there to watch! We can all satiate our taste buds in different ways! But I honestly can’t even remember the last time our TV Team, and queer fandom in general, were taking up pitchforks and lighting lanterns with the power of only rage, and marching into the woods singing “Kill the Beast!”

Because, you guys, Jack DEFILED A FIRST EDITION OF SENSE AND SENSIBILITY WITH A SHARPIE. It’s making me nauseous just thinking about it.

But, friends, I have the most excellent news for you that I hope will help all of us heal from this trauma. Here’s the facts: there is literally NO WAY that this could have happened for real. There is no way Jack could have given Keeley this gift. For starters, Sense and Sensibility was never published with Jane Austen’s name in her lifetime. 750 copies were published by “A Lady” in 1811. That was the first edition, and the book was split up into three smaller volumes, not published as one large novel like what Jack gave Keeley. Jane Austen’s name only appeared on Sense and Sensibility after she died, just like it was only published as a single volume after she died. Also Jane Austen didn’t hold any book signings anyway, or go around giving out her autograph as Jane Austen to basically anyone. Because she wasn’t JANE AUSTEN and could never have predicted a world where she would become JANE AUSTEN. According to Christie’s only a small handful of Jane Austen signatures are still in tact, and most of them are little scraps of paper, or a page from a letter, that are just signed “Jane.” Even if this signed first edition did exist — which it absolutely does not — there’s no way Jack would have had time to track it down and purchase it. These things take ages. People aren’t just out here selling Jane Austen first editions on Ebay.

Let us continue to think Jack is a monster for pulling this stunt, that’s fine of course, but let us also rest our hearts inside the fact of its impossibility. Let us rest knowing that no real life Jacks are out here pulling this shit with priceless Austen manuscripts. And bless us for this worry. As our lesbian forebear Elinor Dashwood once said, “It is not everyone who has our passion for dead leaves.”

“Ted Lasso” Confirms That Bisexual Character’s Bisexuality!

When our TV Team started wondering if Ted Lasso was really, finally going to go there with Keeley in season three, we all agreed that obviously Keeley has been bisexual from the second she arrived on-screen and has simply remained bisexual without confirmation to the audience this entire time. Consider the facts: She almost never sits normal, with her feet on the floor and her back straight in a chair. She has a tough exterior which hides ooey-gooey feelings. She owns more — and more fashionable — outerwear than even Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. She balances ambition and loyalty with ease. And she’s absolutely been through at least one pop punk phase. When real life queer pal Jodi Balfour signed onto Ted Lasso to play a character named Jack, we really felt it was only a matter of time.

AND WE WERE RIGHT.

In Season 3, Episode 5, “Signs,” it all happens!

Recapping this whole season, or even this whole episode, is outside the scope of this post, but here’s the highlights: In Season 3, Keeley seems like she’s in a love triangle with Roy and Jamie (even though Roy is her true love, I believe, and maybe that’s because Roy Kent is the only man I personally love in this whole world). Keeley’s bestie Rebecca is having a hard time over at AFC Richmond, and usually Keeley would be right beside her to help her work through it, but right now Keeley’s got her hands full at her new PR firm. There’s drama with an employee, just as Jack — Keeley’s big investor — arrives to see how things are going. Jack offers Keeley some good advice about how to fire someone compassionately, but it doesn’t work, and Keeley’s canned employee returns to the office with a literal lamb that keeps pooping all over the place. Jack and Keeley don’t let it get them down; they have a laugh and some booze and clean up after the lamb.

Keeley forgets about her work stress for a minute, about Jamie and Roy, about everything besides the fact that Jodi “Jack” Balfour is there, making eyes at her. Keeley doesn’t even question it, doesn’t hesitate, she leans right in for a kiss. They make right out and then, later on, take off each other’s clothes behind frosted privacy glass!

Look, are Keeley and Roy going to end up together? Yes, of course they are. Is this storyline an attempt to placate Keeley/Rebecca shippers? Maybe. Probably. Is making out with your boss a good idea? Abso-fucking-lutely not. But, you know, not every kiss is forever, despite what the jewelry ads say. Sometimes sex is just good fun, a happy diversion, and Keeley deserves a reprieve from the drama. Plus, I am never going to protest Jodi Balfour showing up and confirming that someone’s gay. I’ve been rooting for that since before AFC Richmond even existed.

I think Jodie Balfour only filmed two episodes of Ted Lasso, but I could be wrong about that. Maybe the love triangle will become a love square. Maybe the person who’s here, there, every-fucking-where is actually Keeley Jones! BELIEVE!