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Straight People Watch: Quarantine Edition

Hey hotties, it’s time for the Quarantine Edition of Straight People Watch. I know what you’re thinking: why. Well, like my Too Hot to Handle friends know, you’ve got to make the best out of a situation that’s not on, mate. Turning two negatives into a positive with a bit of a laugh, hey? Right proper fit, maths, innit? Anyway, I’m fine, obviously, but guess who still aren’t?

This couple threw on their best sweats and N-95s and wrote their baby’s due date on toilet paper. “Everyone thought it was really cool,” said Stephanie, a liar who can’t even come up with a good lie even though she has all the time in the world.

FIFTY? I can’t even give you 50 regular ideas right now (“There should be a website where you can order quarters!” – My only current idea.) and you’ve got 50 gender reveal-specific ideas ready to go, with detailed instructions? Go work for WHO, you nut! Find a cure! Also, a volcano made of papier mache? Make a volcano out of onion rings like an adult.

I know it’s not fair to go on the reddit relationship threads for content because it’s as easy as Britney Spears beating Usain Bolt’s 100-meter time, but sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Other times, a girl’s gotta ask for help about why her boyfriend can’t keep his hands out of his pants as if he’s missing the shame center in his brain. Hey, I’ll be straight up with you: evolution was a mistake. Literally a mistake, yes, but also conceptually: somebody goofed. We didn’t think this one all the way through.

This is Francesca and Harry from Too Hot to Handle, a reality dating show on Netflix that came out last week, for those of you that didn’t watch it in its entirety in one sitting for some reason. Francesca is an Instagram model who called the 22-year-old Harry the hottest guy she’s ever seen. Her words! “Harry is the hottest guy I’ve ever seen,” Francesca said after being publicly shamed because of something Harry did that he then blamed on her, also publicly. And you know what? Fine. That’s between you and your god. But something’s gotta give. Harry’s main selling point about himself is that is he likes to have fun. Okay? So does my neighbor who paints her plants. Where’s her show? We’re at a point in time where the matrix mods have gone sicko mode on everything besides the male standard? No to this! Either sink us to the bottom of the ocean or level us up!

First of all, love this graphic. Zero notes! Second, what this headline fails to tell you is that this man set his mom’s shed on fire. I get the frustration, but you couldn’t damage your own property? Take after your forefathers and punch the drywall in your hallway, bud!

This exists within the quarantine time frame and is a stunning display of brain worms, so if it fits it sits, baby. Fellas, is it gay to experience a fleeting moment of pleasure? Ladies, would thou not like your man to live deliciously? Unfortunately, I am 100% certain that this also applies to fruit for her. So where does it end? Vegetables are good for you also… and caring for your body is pretty feminine. Dairy has estrogen and it’s like, women much?? Legumes give you energy to move and dancing is a form of movement so… yikes.

Daddy’s going to get you dressed, okay, sweetie? No, you don’t have to cry. You know him! Yes, that’s right, the one who has his hands down his pants in the scary room. He’s going to be around a lot more. Oh, honey, take a breath, you’re going to give yourself a headache. I’ve made a map, and now Daddy knows where your legs are, don’t you, Dave? See? There’s nothing to worry about.

I bet this image instills a Pavlovian response in you at this point, doesn’t it? Gal Gadon’t! What a TIME. This cannot be stated enough about this video, but what a hellish viewing experience. Look at that man, sweat pooling, face strained, and who has since admitted he was on the toilet when he recorded his segment. Not even a patio? Gal Gadot calls you up and asks you to record something for the internet and your first thought is to bring your phone with you the next time you go to the bathroom? Oh, and no one tell me if there are not-straight people in this video. I’m not watching it again and the memory of it immediately got siphoned into the authorized personnel-only area of my brain.

If I was an influencer I would simply collect $3000 for posting a single meme and not post a picture of me celebrating (?) with my PPE mask. Chalk that up to me having two ideas now.

The plot of National Treasure but about finding the original coronavirus cell to shoot it.

Aren’t straight people’s whole thing having children and knowing how you have to take care of them? Or is their whole thing just taking pictures together in restaurant booths and captioning it: “This one 😋”? Either way, I have some bad news for Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel about the next 13 years of their five-year-old son’s life. I should tell their personal assistants to get a hold of their nanny so they can tell their housekeeper to explain to their personal chef that they’re going to need an extra special meal for our talk later.

ALL your friends? [Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer laughing nervously and whispering “What the fuck?” to herself.]

Why am I “so serious”? Well, it’s a pandemic and everyone’s freaking out and also you’re a white guy with joker paraphernalia?? An important reminder in these trying times is that regarding the small things you absolutely have control over — for example what you wear on your face that other people have to see — the option to calm down is available to everyone!

As mentioned, I know we’re having “a bit of a laugh” but what the hell, man. I now have a third idea. Instead of pretending to smear poop on a distressed child, what if you had them write a poem about their thoughts? I bet it will scare you, like the time a child I know wrote, “It cood always be that whay but you cood chang evreything” on a piece of paper for no reason!

Which is it? You love for women to be sexy and demand it even though your nightstand is a stack of blank CDs, or it’s gross for women to be sexy and they should drape a beige fitted sheet over their body so now your only bedding is three fleece jackets in a row?

Ho, Tone! You hear ’bout this weather thing? Men are placin’ bets on it. Real money. Hard-earned cash about the weather outside.

U.S. conservatives want the Supreme Court to overturn the legalization of gay marriage, but this is cool, too!

From the producers that brought you The Boss Baby and the other producers that brought you Baby Driver, it’s the dog days of summer blockbuster you’ve been waiting for: The Humvee Baby. Oh, and you’re going to hate it. Critics are calling it “A fever dream, we hope,” and, “Upsetting.”

Hey, big spender! Your boyfriend’s your what now?

Anyone know what we’re protesting anymore? No? Great. When I say, “SIMON,” you say, “BIRCH!” SIMON!

Okay, hear me out. What if the things going into straight women’s vaginas that become trends are a series of clues meant to unlock a guide for help? Light, wasp nests, vapor rub, steam, glitter, and now ice… You go toward a LIGHT. Inside the bulb is a WASP NEST. You RUB it in order to release what looks like STEAM (swarm of wasps) that becomes a genie of sorts. You ask the genie for your first wish. Instead of your wish being granted, you are attacked by wasps. On your skin appears to be GLITTER (hundreds of wasp stings). You have to get away and into an ICE BATH. THE ANSWER IS IN THE BATH.

Straight People Watch: Spring 2K19

Welcome back, friends and enemies, Rapinoes and Lavelles, to another Straight People Watch!

I hope in our absence you’ve been well, or the opposite of what our uncles, cousins, and coworkers continue to be. SPW’s timeout was a purposeful one, as this year has provided enough horrors on its own. No need to go looking for them!

But as stated when we first started this series, this is also to keep tabs on what straight people are up to in order to adequately implement the gay agenda, and so the work must continue. Let’s get this over with!

I’ll sleep (on an air mattress with no top sheet across from a chair holding a TV in a room with only an overhead light so your options are either pitch black or depressing office vibe) when I’m dead (and I will be)!!!!!!

First of all, what’s “our” physical? Do straight people continue to do the Presidential Fitness Test beyond middle school?

B of all, something you and I absolutely love to see is a counterproductive lie come back to bite someone. Like that period of time when I was insisting I wasn’t running a multilevel marketing scheme among a group of susceptible old people, saying so upon first meeting someone, buying my friends shirts that said “I’m With A Person Who Doesn’t Run a Multilevel Marketing Scheme Among a Group of Susceptible Old People” with an arrow at the bottom and walking next to them, sending the police a note with my return address that ensured them I wasn’t running a multilevel marketing scheme among a group of susceptible old people, etc., and then hearing the judge read off a list of charges against me that included running a multilevel marketing scheme among a group of susceptible old people.

Third, please stop gaslighting your loved ones about your height that they can see and gauge against other people and objects.

Make: Mercedes

Model: Sexy ;)

Sex: Mercedes ;)

Age: A Mercedes never tells ;)

“Girlfriends are like bullet.” Don’t get? Think it’s pretty self-explanatory.

Also, what is it, The Bad Boy Club, or The Bad Boy Club Club? Bad Boy-Club makes a lot of sense here, but I’m also not mad at the idea of a monthly subscription for bad boy clubs, which are just sticks for moody boys to lean on. Anyway, what?

I, Borch, take you, Haylen, to be my lawfully wedded douchebag, to have and to dunk on, from this day forward, for better, for worst (you), for richer, for poorer, in sickness (looking at you rn) and in health, until death do us part (preferably now).

Honestly, would be happy to abide by the hand-shaking code of law! Follow us at The Bad Girls Sword Club and use the code “STAB” to get 15% off your first purchase!

I’d love to go on a life-strike if possible!

These women have clearly never owned a dog before, because if they had they’d know that negative-reenforcement is only a short-term solution. Positive reinforcement is where the real gains are. Lure your husband into making the right choice by, say, installing a Bitcoin machine at the bottom of the dishwasher so he has to unload the dishes in order to convert his cash into bitcoins. Or, duct tape an iPad that’s open to a Reddit thread about Game of Throne theories to your child’s head so he has to engage with them. Once that’s done, THEN you have sex with them. Pretty basic training, ladies!

https://twitter.com/mikclements/status/1111675371890577408

Ah, yes, what we in the gay world refer to as the “Jarmen” and also, “gay.”

A lady shirt that celebrates your hot and trendy bo(y/i)friend (lol at the unintended inclusion here) who’s basically Advil and a therapist at once? $13. Your self-worth? Also $13!

Can we just give homeless people a place to live before we LARP as Stormtroopers?

I’ve decided to sign up for the Space War.

https://twitter.com/renfamous/status/1104566879866089472

You’re going to want to click through for the full review on this one. The highlight moment here is the reviewer taking issue with the film showing Nick Fury (a male) washing dishes (a female’s job), but how does this reviewer (a male) know there’s not a Bitcoin machine (a male) at the bottom of the sink (a female)?! Think about that as a male!

https://twitter.com/sputla_da_deeja/status/1097530664663085061

“At least it’s not a blowjob wedding portrait,” shouldn’t be a consolation and yet here we are.

Had to read this one approximately 25 times when I first saw it, and am possibly still reading this tomorrow. Unfortunately, it’s the same meaning every time. Straight women… find god.

Well, I fell in love with your father at the Cici’s pizza buffet. He ate 19 pieces of pizza that day in a haze of sweat and exhaustion, and when he finally came to, I actually asked him to marry me, right there on the spot. The rest, you could say, is history.

Oh no! Looks like you hit those ironic stereotypes a little too hard and have drawn the reverse card. Go directly to jail!

Straight People Watch: Winter 2019

It’s time for Straight People Watch, my sweet birthday babies, and we’re back for another round of the same horrifying things! It appears that this series has not served as a significant enough stress signal (to, I don’t know, Mother Nature? Father Time? The gods? The Universe?) to spin us off our axis into oblivion, so the gender reveals and Target engagement photos and apocalyptic fires rage on. Splash some of that water on your face and let’s kiss this party on the mouth!

This kickstarter for A BUTTON to alert your significant other for sex is devastating. The sell here is that if you’ve both pressed your sex button within the same time frame you are a go for “the deed,” and if only one of you has pressed your sex button then no one’s the wiser and you “avoid awkward rejection.” Lady, we’re talking about the very real and very complex circumstances involved in one’s desire for sex and intimacy, not an expired coupon denial at Chipotle! Awkward!

If you can’t talk to your partner about why you do or don’t want to have sex, you don’t need a button, you need therapy. You know what this button would be good for? Bars. Because this only makes sense for people you don’t know. Everyone gets a button and finds out where they are at the end of the night. Oh, wait, this is Tinder, isn’t it. They made Tinder for couples.

This project was asking for over 7,000 USD to enable straight people to get away with the bare minimum effort in terms of communication and, well, they surpassed their goal. Good job, everybody.

I love my boyfriend and I also HATE him entirely ;)

Ah, the age old tradition of getting black out drunk to engage in compulsory romance. The worst part about this is I don’t know if this flask is intended for married women or someone on Spring Break, and of course the answer to this is both.

What is going ON? I even risked a google search to investigate whether or not this was a band that I wasn’t cool enough to know. It’s not!  Also, even if this was a band, and even if this is an inside joke none of us are privy to and that’s sort of the point: huh? If gay people can’t hold hands in public without you comparing that to an aggressive display of sexuality, you CANNOT celebrate your horny teenager. Sorry, I DO make the rules and that is one of them.

The singularity is destroying heterosexuality, one failed marriage at a time.

https://twitter.com/gossipgriii/status/1095897639177125889?s=21

Something I’m curious about is if straight coupling has always stood on a foundation of contempt. Cleopatra walking through Ephesus with Antony like, “I just think it’s really funny that you know exactly where every brothel on this street is,” and he’s like, “Yeah, ’cause my buddies told me about them. Is it illegal to have friends now?” And she’s like, “Wowwwwwwww, okay,” and he’s like, “Babe,” and she’s nodding her head with her eyes closed like, “No, this is a joke to you. That’s great. I’m gonna kill my sister by myself, how about that?” and he’s like, “Good, I didn’t want to kill your sister anyway,” and then she rears her head towards him like an owl.

Fellas, be honest: is it gay to use your hips?

*Carmela voice* Tony!

Similar to my question about whether or not men know an option available to them is not murdering their entire family to end a marriage and date other women, do men know it’s an option to not get married? Sure, even George Clooney eventually did it, but that’s when he was already selling tequila and watches in commercials. Wait for your tequila and watch era if you need to.

Honestly how dare you disrespect lasagna like this. The very least you could do is stick to cake. While we’re at it, let’s just go back to king cakes. The gender? Baby.

*pins my mom’s funeral to my mood board*

Yeah, sorry about my… vase that holds flowers. And also for this picture of my grandmother at a time when the clothes and makeup she wore in it were the only thing she had agency over. Also, my folders containing contracts that I had to work twice as hard to secure? That’s my bad, as well. My apologies for the statue that encourages inner peace and harm reduction. Sorry. Sorry sorry. Sorry I’m sorry.

I know the answer to this, but just to zoom out if I could and call it by its name: Why are straight white people so horny for white boys? It doesn’t even have to be their kid! Most times it’s not! Even if you’ve only seen or listened to ten percent of the true crime documentaries or podcasts available, you know white boys are the very last people you should be investing your time in, and yet! Jennifer Percy, you goofed, babe!

First of all, this is a co-opting of queer culture. Let’s leave chapstick out of this. Second of all, what did the people of Walmart ever do you to, besides destroy small businesses across the U.S. and offer criminal wages to its employees? You know what? Keep them!

Straight People Watch: Holiday Edition

Seasons greetings from a special holiday edition of Straight People Watch! And by “holiday edition” I mean the same Straight People Watch with two Christmas items thrown in. So just in case you were expecting a post chock-full of nativity scenes with the baby Jesus holding an AK-47, please redirect your focus to our regularly scheduled programming!

As any writer on the The Ellen Show could tell you, our regularly scheduled programming involves updates on the heterosexual playbook and highlights from their best players. Blow job engagement photos and tractor babies as far as the eye can see. With each addition to this series I think I’ve officially seen it all and without fail I’m proven wrong.

Let’s take a look at this round of cautionary tales.

Okay, there’s a lot to unpack (untuck) here but let me just start by saying I can’t believe UnTuckit not only exists but is thriving. What is essentially a company dedicated to Shirts, But Shorter makes it the MyPillow of the clothing industry and it somehow has a budget to produce this truly deranged commercial.

From concept to execution everything about this defies reason. The son’s “let me think about it” response to his mother’s gentle plea to come home. The girlfriend’s non-reaction to this response. That it’s shot like the Folgers’ commercial with that real illegal-in-every-state feel. The cryptic energy surrounding the father and son’s estranged status. (Did someone KILL someone??) The tucking in of the shirt that is apparently made for not tucking? The decades of resentment dissolving via a shirt’s hem.

The distance between a father and adult son involve issues so deep-seated that to try and find its roots would be an unraveling of the entire skein, but, sure, here comes UnTuckit one Christmas to blow the doors off this thing. Male intimacy is a business casual shirt.

https://twitter.com/tropicocunt/status/1030912175035088896

This is the same guy who writes into Autostraddle and asks where all the men are.

When your babygirl’s at a three and you need her to be at a ten.

On the one hand, some kids do suck and their vibes are way off. On the other hand, whether or not you think you could juul with your baby shouldn’t be the guiding force in your parenting approach.

Gay people in America are close to having their right to adopt taken away, so maybe for our sakes just pop an iPad in front of your child for the next couple of decades and pretend you haven’t blacked out from having to watch them do the same dive into a pool for hours.

What amount of acres on fire will satiate the gods that straight people have upset? What debt are straight people making good on that they continue to offer our forests as sacrifice? This is about the Smirnoff icing challenge isn’t it!

The small Scrub Daddy logo just above the Scrub Mommy is somehow more devastating than the bow.

Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if the man’s wrist is bleeding that he also got bit by the snake, which would allow him to feel the pain his wife is suffering from? Or perhaps it was the cowboy snowman (?) just behind the snake that inflicted those wounds upon the husband. Which is like, Mister Police, you could of saved her! He gave you all the clues!

To everyone’s credit, something they never tell you about as a child is the metaphorical cowboy snowman ready to do the devil’s bidding in a marriage, so who, really, is to blame here? And who’s really at an advantage? The woman, dangling by one bleeding arm while a snake and various hybrid-species attack her, or the man, sans predators, securely locked into place by a boulder? Makes you think!

N’night beautiful people.

What do you get the girlfriend who has everything.

Okay, but the left side sounds like the beginning of an incredible Nancy Meyers romcom! And we all know those end with somebody who’s fallen in love with themselves drinking wine on the beach, so ultimately in the long run this is the better choice.

This is another one of those stories that requires some effort, and I understand that everyone’s families are tired so: a woman established a body weight-specific dress code for everyone in her wedding party and set their budget minimum at a cool grand. When these aggressive demands went viral, the woman railed a line of speaking to the manager and then set the date for the Polygraph Party everyone was to attend so she could find the mole. I’m scared to ask, but what is the next party going to involve?

Millennial women, let me put it to you in a way that I think you’ll understand: Snoop-dogg-holding-that-piece-of-blank-paper-and-on-it-is-the-picture-of-britney-spears-wearing-that-shirt-that-says-dump-him.jpeg

This is a part of a 36-question quiz that is supposed to be the ultimate test of a relationship. An established relationship. A relationship two people have presumably spoken to each other about. This is like those husband and wife “ice breaker” cards they sell as a fun game and not as a mutual cry for help!

Oh, so straight people just hate trees? That’s what this is about? I’ll have them know that I plan to become a tree when I die so keep this kind of stuff up and you’re looking at a lawsuit!

This picture is obviously having a little fun with the concept of straight women bleaching their entire everything in order to achieve that pubescent vibe we all legally know and adhere to, but at this point with the glitter and the steam and the vapor rub and the WASPS NESTS, would it be really be worse to turn on an actual bulb in a woman’s vagina?

This story is like the man who is being crushed by the boulder of a loving family and a mistress he willingly pursued and killed for and the woman in pain from being in pain. Quick Q: men know they can just get a divorce, right? Like, they can have a girlfriend or twenty girlfriends if they want if they just signs a piece of paper? Anyway, what are straight women up to!

Straight People Watch: Fall 2018

Ah, fall, a time for contemplation and evolution. Or, if you’re straight, time to cruise control your thoughts and stay exactly the same. Hop aboard the haunted hayride of compulsory heterosexuality, folks. It’s time for another round of Straight People Watch!

Straight People Watch, where we’re off the deep end, being watched as we dive in, where we never meet the ground. Where we crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us, because we’re far from the shallows now.

Siri, play “The Despair in a Man’s Eyes (Ft. Woman’s Euphoric Denial)” at full volume. Siri? Thank you. Also, Siri? I’m sorry.

What a loving couple about to embark on the joys of parenthood, with half of which surely on their way to honoring their role in the childrearing process with a laser-like focus on the Saturdays when they get to shed it completely, instead of just partially like they do on the week days, to get blackout drunk on a combination of Southern Comfort and Coors at the football tailgate. A tradition like no other!

https://twitter.com/beehivesy/status/1031378830265528320

For those of you unwilling to expose yourself to a Twitter thread by a guy named Eric, I commend you, because is this one ever a doozy! You see, Eric would like a version of Hooters (which, for clarity, is an American restaurant where the kinds of breasts you’ll likely be served go way beyond chicken, am I right, fellas!!!) where instead of women serving wings in tight, low-cut shirts and what are essentially jean panties, women will be serving their undivided attention and empathy. Eric suggests “problem listener” hostesses, so as not to upset every single woman working with stories about his inability to adhere to very explicit social cues, as he is basically an American hero. Sort of that, as he puts it, “geisha place” vibe we all know and love.

Then, also, there would be free food available, which doesn’t really need to be said because that’s sort of obvious. From the get-go when you hear “emotional labor torture chamber”  you and I know there’s free food involved. Oh, our large adult sons will be fed!

His suggested “debate nights” where men get to bait women into a maze of straw men and gaslighting are of course his proposal’s most dynamic feature, combining the concepts of actual hell and escape rooms into one. Let’s hope Gordon Ramsay can make his dreams come true on next season of Kitchen Nightmares!

I usually stay away from these kinds of forums, as they are the devil’s playground and honestly, even for this series, are way too easy. There are entire categories dedicated to the conversation around whether or not men should have to properly wipe their ass, so there’s really no challenge there. But I was sent this and LOVED it. What a day brightener!  It really doesn’t get much better than a 26-year-old man who forced his partners to take IQ tests learning that his intellectual inferiority has made his 19-year-old girlfriend hate him. Some days you’ve just got it going on, and today is that day!

Do you think there’s a correlation between women who date straight men and the number of phones/insurance claims they will have in their lifetimes?

Do you hate your pregnant girlfriend, but the camera’s watching your every move? Will no one go with you to Hooters for Nerds, and you can’t even tell your bitch wife about it? Did you accidentally cut yourself with your monogramed Straight Up A Piece Of Glass Shard groomsman’s gift, but you’re trying to play it cool in the geisha place? Try crying later when you’re alone, with Kleenex Mansize.

I’m wondering if she used the positive reinforcement method or just a spray bottle, because there really are so many arguments for both sides.

We’ll put a boot in your ass pink smoke in your pipes, it’s the American way! Honey, run the engine! *I peel out but realize I’ve hit the gas way too hard and lose control of the car into a ditch, except I planned for that and in that same ditch awaits a nest full of wasps with dye in their stingers that I’ve just burst and they attack our guests, leaving blue welts all over their bodies*

Tag yourself I’m the dust bin barely hanging on.

For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by couples from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will play this Pictionary together.”

This isn’t one of those misleading headlines that reveals the opposite to be true in the body of the story. This is exactly what’s going on here. A quote from one of the brave men who inspired this investigation:

“I may spend all day following orders at work, and wrangling a toddler, and studying for classes, and I don’t really have a choice in any of that, but when it comes to whether or not I am going to brush my teeth this morning I am completely in control.”

Another man equated being asked by his girlfriend if he would brush his teeth since she had to kiss his disgusting crypt keeper mouth to being “nagged” and just stopped altogether. And, hey, I don’t want to nag a nag, but maybe this woman, every woman, should ask their boyfriends if they could drink water and eat food and sleep at least four hours a night. Just a thought from someone who makes 80 cents to their dollar.

I love to flip the script that I’m a man’s property by saying he is mine ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

The ultimate curse.

Probably don’t need like a military bunker theme for a four-year-old, and as always, the option to calm down remains for everyone. That’s just my opinion as someone whose name would trigger Amazon robot discrimination.

This is like getting kicked back in the Inception chair eight times.

As Vanessa Williams once prophesied about me, “And now we’re standing face to face, isn’t this world a crazy place, just when I thought our chance had passed, you go and save the best for last.”

Every time I was sent this article, this song played louder and louder, backing straight people’s magnum opus. Rise, my flames, rise! EVERY BABY SHALL BE MARKED! BOW TO THE FIRE GODS, YOU FOOLS, AND BEG FOR THEIR MERCY, FOR THEY WILL INHERIT THE EARTH!

7 Season Two “Queer Eye” Moments That Have Me Saying Wow Thank God I’m Gay

Season two of Queer Eye debuted on Netflix this past weekend, to all of our delights. Antoni, Karamo, Tan, Bobby, and Jonathan were back for another round of Hair Down Glasses Off and we were here for it, no questions asked! I mean, does Antoni give advice so generic that it feels like trolling, and does Karamo sometimes look like a human Ken doll in a way that is sort of unsettling? Sure. But it’s a fun and therapeutic show in a world increasingly on fire, and what are you gonna do, not watch it?

As we know, though, these violent delights have violent ends. Because at the core of this show, despite the occasional gay and/or trans subject, are the straight men and women who got us here. Straight men so dire in need of counseling on hygiene, eating habits, clothing, interior decor, manners, and just how to be a person in general that outside assistance is required. In a way it’s its own Straight People Watch. And like the silver lining found in that series, within these horror stories is the gift of gratitude. A reminder to be thankful for what I do have, which is my homosexuality.

Here are this season’s most affirming moments.

The Clean Underwear Moment

Leo, the titular “sexy beast” in episode three, is a man like many others in this series who does the bare minimum in terms of personal upkeep. That’s fine; not everyone needs to care about what they look like or how they dress because ultimately that’s not what makes a person. However. If you’re of the means to do so, have clean underwear. Please. No thanks to Reddit I know this is apparently an issue with straight men, but what the hell, man. You have children.

Also, look at the desperation on this woman’s face. Really get in there. Zoom in until you see her eyes considering what could have been her sliding doors moment that would have shielded her from a reality in which her adult life partner exclaims with pride, “Clean underwear!”

The Toenail Moment

This is also from Leo’s episode, and while I’m not posting the shot that preceded this one of toes so horrid that I screamed “NO” at my television because I value you as readers, trust me when I say: why? He doesn’t even follow this admission with an explanation. Not, “I don’t like them short,” or “I’m on my feet all day and sometimes it’s painful if they’re trimmed,” just: I don’t do it.

Ah, let me just sneak my feet under these covers, scrape them all the way down the sheet, and put them next to you, my wife.

The Frasier Crane Moment

William, sweet William. In episode two — titled, rudely, “A Decent Proposal” — William tossed and scrambled my brain when Tan asked him who he thinks looks good and William answered: Frasier Crane. Of anyone on earth, Frasier Crane, the vaguely all-taupe 90s sitcom radio host, is his end goal. Dream bigger, booboo, for me, for you, for all of us.

The Kitchen Sink Moment

Episode four is where Jason, our Burning Man enthusiast – who you know leaves the smacking of a non-seasonal flip-flop in his wake – allows his kitchen to be filmed while his sink looks like this and while his wash cloth is cooking up something drug-resistant. Can you believe? A chore-wheel gay would never!

Honestly, though – what are straight men up to in their kitchens? It’s like their junk drawer of rooms. I was recently dog sitting in a straight man’s apartment and he kept not one but three pairs of shoes in his kitchen cabinets! Hello?!?! Someone answer me!!!!

The Seed Frisbee

Just so we’re all on the same page, when someone starts a sentence with “I love” in relation to something you’re doing, they hate what you’re doing. This especially applies for Arian in episode six when the Fab 5 find his frisbee full of sunflower seeds in various states of disposal. This is what he decided was okay to keep out. He saw his frisbee filled with discarded shells that were once in his mouth and thought, “That can stay for when the film crew comes over.” What did he put away?

The What’s That Smell Moment(s)

For anyone who’s ever had the pleasure of encountering a straight man’s room, you know exactly what that smell is. It’s moldy towels. It’s dust. It’s scalp? It’s dirty clothes. It’s clean clothes that somehow already smell like dirty clothes. It’s a fitted sheet that’s never once been washed and a comforter that’s been terrorized by the absence of a top sheet.

The Beard Moment

Thank you, Wanda Sykes. Thank you, K-Stew. THANK YOU DISILLUSIONMENT.

Straight People Watch: Spring 2K18

Welcome back to Straight People Watch, a sobering series where we track what kind of cannon straight parents are using to shoot their baby’s gender out of, what straight women are putting in their vaginas, how straight couples are getting engaged, what kind of coffee mugs straight people are drinking out of, how tightly straight people are still holding onto gender norms, and other heterosexual essentials that are logged as exhibits A through Z-eleventy in the case against how okay straight people are.

You can’t unsee it once you’ve seen it, so prepare yourself if this is the first time you’re joining us, because it’ll follow you into your daily life. I know this all too well as a gay liaison. I’ve seen too much. It’s why when I’m out in public now I do this thing where I imagine calling 911 and getting Connie Britton as Abby Clark from the hit Fox drama 911 on the line who’s like…

https://giphy.com/gifs/911onFOX-fox-gay-xULW8Oi7cLmO20sHJe

… and I’m like, “Please, there are straight people in my general area!” and she’s like…

https://giphy.com/gifs/911onFOX-fox-help-TamTMyxfbW9iu1hKLH

… and I’m like, “Help me!!!” and she’s like, “Sweetie, stay on the phone with me, we’re gonna get our crew out there as fast as we can,” and it makes me feel better for about five seconds. You’ll probably need your own version of this once you see what they’ve been up to this spring.

I’m so excited for the birth of my * window breaks car alarm goes off three pedestrians get wiped out two lawn chairs get launched into a tree a power line snaps and whips sparks around like an angry snake *

This is of course only something a white person would think to do or get away with, so it’s already not starting out great. But let’s get into the layers of this one. One, the man has requested he, the driver, be taken out of the car and put in frisk position. Already right there as a passenger in 2018 in America (which is obviously where this takes place) I’m deleting every treasured video on my phone to make room for what could be an hour-long recording. Corrosive adrenaline is coursing through my veins. Then the man requests that I, the passenger, also be taken out of the car, which only happens, oh, never. Beautiful. Love is love. Now we’re both outside the vehicle with our backs to a man with a gun. Am I McDonald’s cause I’m lovin’ it. Now he’s taking our I.D.s and clocking where we live and, hmmm, is there a recent example in a long history of examples of how that might not turn out great for me, a woman? My future husband, planning this all out… for me. The answer was always yes.

Congratulations, it’s a gun.

Diamonds are forever. They are all I need to please me. They can stimulate and tease me. They won’t leave in the night, have no fear that they might desert me… Because they’re of my flesh now.

Why not nine weeks? If you’re going to invite your friends over on what is probably their day off and then ask that they sit in silence and list any name they can think for nine whole minutes, the damage’s been done. Go to town on the time frame. Did I recently initiate a game with someone where the objective was to list every kind of body of water we could think of? Sure. But that was for like two minutes, tops, and was seamlessly incorporated into an already established get-together. This game isn’t even for the explicit purpose of helping with the baby-naming process! That’s just a possibility — a potential added bonus. This is listing names to list them. Who Can Name the Most Names. I love to party.

This has over 1500 five-star reviews on Etsy.

I obviously have a lot of questions about this, but my main question is: how’d they get the jello in the watermelon? Runner up questions: How’d the chomp look? Satisfying? Who’d the gator go after first? Did they rent a gator? Where can I rent a gator? And, as always: is anyone okay?

“Increasingly Violent Groomsman Gifts” is maybe my favorite part of series. Above we have gun shell bottle openers, a personalized hatchet, and gun knives. Do you want to gift your friend a knife as a thank you for being in your wedding, but are scared it’ll come off gay? Try gun knives, knives that are designed like guns. These gun knives see regular knives’ bet of “I wouldn’t hug you without making it a joke and immediately punching you after” and raises them an “I’d never even sit on the same couch as you.” Finally, a product for me.

https://twitter.com/iamangnapoli/status/988237640989396992

TFW you’re an adult.

https://twitter.com/RebekahGordon1/status/981561072040792064

Honestly? Would watch Kangaroo Police, Kangaroo’s Bachelorette, Kangaroo Women, and Kangaroo Bride. Oop, I’m getting word that Netflix has just secured Adam Sandler to star in them all.

It is truly thrilling me that one of the main components of heterosexuality is that you hate the other person and you’d do anything to distract yourself from having to actually engage with them, like sexualizing a piece of chocolate or ranking the food items you’d prefer over them. Mancaves and Winesday were created for this very reason. Get the hell away from me, my spouse. Inspiring.

Clearly this man has never shaved his legs with a women’s Bic razor, ’cause buddy, that’ll teach you a thing or two about skinning yourself alive.

This feels deliberate, and also: y’all couldn’t even do an aisle? You had to jam yourselves into the shopping cart area like you’re retail bushwhacking? Sir, your hair is faded for the gods and you’ve chosen to showcase it among chariots of bacteria? How is another person supposed to love you if you don’t love yourself?

In addition to the last name being changed to reflect her being a woman (?), the shirt’s gotta be a skirt, the whip’s gotta be a bra, the boulder’s gotta be a compact, and the snakes gotta be tampons.

Ah!!!!!!!! An endless attack against your friends. The war rages on. The fighting never stops. The babies we celebrate inheriting the terror of it all.

Croutons? I top my salad with my crippling inferiority complex.

Straight People Watch: Winter 2K18

Welcome back to Straight People Watch, the greatest show on earth! If you’re joining us for the first time, this is we where brief ourselves here at Gay HQ on the most recent heterosexual agenda, so do check in with our 2K17 summer and fall editions, as they will prepare you for the wreckage that lies ahead!

The holidays have come and gone, but straight people? Oh, they’re still here. More than ever. Let’s take a look.



Imagine being able to take the right to marry for granted to the extent that you go to the retail chain store Target to commemorate your special moment with pictures that you will theoretically show people for the rest of your lives, and also considering that “nailing it.” I get it; straight women would go to battle for Target. Straight women would sooner die than loosen their death grips on the bullseye. But I’m begging you not to do this. Please stick to the train tracks and the lakes that you’re used to.

Quick Q: why is A BAT involved in any activity concerning a pregnant woman? Hello? Why are you swinging a bat at or around your wife? Answer me, Mike!

Straight people have essentially been given carte blanche to discriminate against queer people with impunity by a man and an administration who legit wrote “LGBTs” in sharpie on a rainbow flag and they are suddenly uncomfortable with us? We are truly living in hell. This is hell! Y’all, this is it. “I don’t steal or cheat or lie because I don’t want to go to hell!” Too late! It is here and now! You fucked up in some other life!

Okay, there is no way to read this other than “Real men love: bowhunting Jesus,” right? Like, that’s what it says? As much as “Real men love: bowhunting Jesus” doesn’t make sense, “Real men bowhunting: Love, Jesus” SUPER does not make sense. Wait. “Real men: Love, Bowhunting Jesus.” That’s it. Shoot it straight.

Only straight people seek out the kind adrenaline that is awarded by taking a crowbar to death’s door. We’re good on that just generally being out in the world. Good for them, though!

It’s really not essential, and I don’t trust you. Not only do you want people to come to your wedding, come to your wedding with a present, and come to your engagement party, you want people to come to your engagement party with a present. All of this before you ask people to come to your baby shower, and also come to your baby shower with a present. Very cool and normal, basically I get it and agree!

DON’T expect your HUSBAND to do ANYTHING related to being a functioning ADULT otherwise he might feel BAD or even SAD sometimes and you are his MOM and should WANT to help him be the BIGGEST boy he can be!

Y’all have to give The Notebook up. It’s been damn 15 years.

Just drink the beer.

Things: THEY’RE LOOKIN’ UP.

CALM DOWN. BOWHUNTING JESUS CHRIST IT’S A PARTY NOT A SPECIAL OPS FOREST MISSION. IT’S OKAY TO BE SENTIMENTAL. GET YOUR GROOMSMAN A REGULAR GIFT, A NOTE EVEN. WE KNOW YOU’RE NOT GAY.

Ummm, sweaty, we’ve covered this and if you’re such an amazing girlfriend why are you letting him help you cook/hold the knife while you’re just trying to cut some goddamn vegetables?

You know who I love? The future father of my children.

For only 6 pounds, you too can gender your USB PORT?????

Sure, yes, it’s hilarious that you could have a gay baby. Congrats. (not)


Why dream about true love when you could read about… conditional marriage.

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