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In Pandemic Times, I’m Having a Digital Victorian Gay Romance

In the summer of 2019, my girlfriend Plum came over to stay for a weekend and borrowed my copy of Casey McQuiston’s Red, White and Royal Blue. I had devoured it the previous week, and she powered through it on the couch in an afternoon while I sat next to her and binged through half a season of Great British Bake Off and entertained myself with her occasional reactions.

“This is so cute,” she said, halfway into the novel’s romance. “They’re signing their emails with famous love letter quotes.”

“Adorable,” I agreed, and she went back to the book.

If I had known then that we’d be spending most of 2020 in an unexpectedly long-distance relationship, I might have taken better notes.

Plum and I met on Tumblr in 2017 and started out as friends, bonding over fandom, queer poetry, and being absolute dweebs about social policy and literary analysis (truly, the coolest kids you’ll ever meet). We started dating in 2018 after she moved to New York for graduate school, and while she returned to Toronto during winter and summer breaks, we always knew about when she’d be back, and could plan a reunion.

Since the onset of COVID-19, it’s been an entirely different story. In early March, as cases and deaths were beginning to escalate in New York, Plum preemptively went home to be with her parents, anticipating—at the time—that she’d be back before too long. No problem, we decided. This is what WhatsApp and video calls are for, and she’d be back in a month or two. Easy! We do that all summer! We made a Skype date for virtual brunch, I made a note to send over extra pictures of the dogs, and we weren’t too worried. Things would be back to normal soon.

Oh, sweet summer children.

It was clear by May that she wouldn’t be back in the country before the start of the new semester, if her school returned to in-person classes at all. By the middle of the summer, it seemed like January would be the earliest chance she’d have to come back. As of this writing in October, we’ve still got our fingers crossed for January, but with flu season looming and the state of US politics being the state of US politics, we’re not optimistic.

Which, honestly? Sucks.

But we’re two empowered queers of the twenty-first century, so we adapted. Plum and I have always had a shared love of reading—one of our first dates was at The Strand bookstore in Manhattan—across genres from literary classics to fanfiction, but both of us have a shared place in our hearts for poetry. After a following spree of queer poets and the #queerpoetry tag on Instagram, I started sending poems that reminded me of Plum in our DMs and WhatsApp chats, from Andrea Gibson excerpts to screenshots from Chen Chen and Jericho Brown tweets to ramblings about my own scribbled-on copies of Mary Oliver and Pablo Neruda.

In response, Plum began sending pen-and-paper letters. They took their time to arrive, but the envelopes that showed up in my mailbox were covered in watercolor and washi tape, lovingly decorated. I have lines of poetry in Plum’s handwriting tattooed on my arm, but something about seeing a piece of paper that she wrote with her own hands made me tear up. The letter she sent was just household stories—here’s what I did this week, here’s something I saw that made me laugh, here’s something that made me think of you. Not to be outdone, I sent back a response (in a very boring envelope, unfortunately; she’s the artist between the two of us), and, in the spirit of the boys in Red, White and Royal Blue, signed off with a quote from one of Vita Sackville-West’s love letters to Virginia Woolf: “I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal.”

Something about exchanging letters—we’ve kept it up throughout the summer and into the fall—feels sweeter, more romantic, than sharing digital poems and sleepy selfies. We joke a lot, in queer spaces, that yearning is sapphic culture: because we’re all disasters who can’t tell flirting from friendliness, because we’re all romancing each other over the internet and ending up pining from afar, because Sappho herself got us started with “Sweet mother, I cannot weave – /slender Aphrodite has overcome me/with longing for a girl.” Plum and I had a virtual date to watch Pride and Prejudice (2005) and joked about Lizzie and Darcy being the only valid heterosexuals because they were having a queer romance, full of yearning, significant hand touches (oh my god there were significant hand touches) and horribly awkward flirting, but really, there’s got to be some reason why queers love that movie so much.

In the past months of distance, I’ve fallen in love with her all over again. From her handwriting to her delight in my horrible selfies to her vicious sense of humor to her immense capacity for resilience and compassion, the letters and Austen watch-alongs and poetry exchanges have reminded me more and more of all the reasons we got together in the first place. We’re still counting down the days until the Canadian border reopens for casual travel, but in the meantime, I put another letter in the mail this week, signed, this time, with the words of Eleanor Roosevelt to her lover Lorena Hickock:

“Funny was that I couldn’t say je t’aime and je t’adore as I longed to do, but always remember that I am saying it, that I go to sleep thinking of you.”

How to Celebrate the Jewish High Holidays During a Pandemic

L’shana tova, friends. The Jewish High Holidays are almost here, though depending on how the country you live in has handled the pandemic you may or may not have a concept of what month it is right now, let alone what day. Personally, I am shocked that tomorrow is Friday, September 18, the first night of Rosh Hashanah. And yet it’s true. The Jewish year 5781 is upon us. How will we celebrate this year?

I’m going to be honest with you: I feel anything but festive, joyous, or ready to welcome in a round sweet new year. I live in Portland, Oregon and my state, along with the entire west coast of the US, is currently on fire. This year has been so hard, and life does not show any signs of getting any easier. And yet: The earth still turns. We are still here. The High Holidays arrive, and with them, the Jewish New Year, whether we are ready or not, whether time feels relevant or not, whether we are filled with joy or filled with despair. In this time of uncertainty, there is something comforting about the ritual of an annual festival. I am trying to accept that. I am trying to find ways to access joy.

I’ve been thinking about how to celebrate the Jewish High Holidays during a pandemic, and this is what I’ve come up with.

Attend a virtual service

For some people, attending synagogue on the High Holidays is important – as many of us can probably attest, lots of Jews who completely avoid synagogue all year round will make an exception for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. If attending services is important to you but you know that going indoors to pray and sing with a lot of other humans during a pandemic is not the right move (correct!), you have a lot of options this year because going virtual means you’re not limited to the congregations in your specific location. Some services are being offered for free which makes them far more accessible than expensive in-person High Holiday ticketed options. Another exciting perk of virtual services? If you’re looking for a specifically queer congregation, this is your year! One Autostraddle reader wrote in to the A+ box about this:

“I wanted to flag that this year provides a unique opportunity to participate in a Queer Jewish service for those outside the major cities with Queer congregations… For example, both Bet Mishpachah in DC and CBST in NYC are doing online services at no-cost (Bet Mish is asking for a donation). These are Queer-founded shuls using Queer self-created liturgies; it’s not a mainstream congregation that is “inclusive.””

Thank you Rachel for this note! If you are going to watch a service from your home, Autostraddle staff writer Ari Monts suggests creating a sacred space specifically for this activity. Creating a specific space and committing to the ritual of attending services even if you aren’t physically leaving your home space can make the act feel more defined and meaningful.

Gather digitally

At this point in the pandemic many of us are experiencing video conferencing fatigue, but the truth is these gatherings are still the safest way to put a large group of humans in one place. There’s also the added bonus of being able to congregate with people who live far away. This year I’m going to “gather” with my family over Zoom on Friday night and with some friends over Zoom on Sunday night, and I feel just as excited about these High Holiday celebrations as I would about attending an actual IRL gathering… especially because both events allow me to connect with people I love in Massachusetts, California, New York, and Texas!

If you’d like help or inspiration planning a digital gathering or if you want to create something larger and invite more people to your High Holiday plans, check out HighHolidays@Home and Here For, two online resources that can help.

Wear a mask and stay outside

If you are going to see people in person for the High Holidays, wear a mask and stay outside.

Many of us have taken advantage of the warmer summer months to spend time face to face with people outside of our direct pods. If you are 6+ feet away from another human and wearing a mask while hanging out outside, your exposure risk for COVID-19 is very low. Just don’t go inside anyone else’s house!

Some synagogues are hosting outdoor services, and some families will be gathering in backyards and parks. Before the wildfire smoke made being outside an impossibility in Portland, some friends and I were planning to do a socially distanced Rosh Hashanah celebration – I envisioned us outdoors, 10-15 feet apart, eating food from separate bowls and with our own utensils. We’ve had to cancel because of the air quality in Portland, but for folks in places where breathing outside is not impossible, I think there are ways to do this safely.

Cook for yourself and your loves

Is it a stereotype to say most Jewish holidays are based around food? Sure. Is it also true? Yes. Just because we’re in a pandemic and can’t currently gather around a table filled with food to eat communally, that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the High Holidays with the traditional rituals of cooking, and we can still share this food with our loves – just not via potluck!

Autostraddle has published a lot of recipes for the High Holidays over the years; here’s our collection: Gey in Kikh: Apple-Stuffed Challah for Rosh Hashanah!, Get Baked: The Best Honey Cake For Rosh Hashanah (Or Any Time!), Get Baked: Lokshen Kugel for Rosh Hashanah, Get Baked: Vegan Olive Oil Challah, Get Baked: Bulkas (Yeast Buns), A South African Jewish Tradition. All of these recipes are perfect for Rosh Hashanah or for breaking the fast after Yom Kippur, and if you double your batch, you can do a contactless drop off for your fellow Jewish pals so they can enjoy your kitchen rituals, too.

Give tzedakah

Growing up as a Jewish kid, I thought the act of giving tzedakah was simply about donating money. I learned to do it before Shabbat and before Jewish holidays, and I learned it was something we should enjoy as an act to make the world a better place. As an adult, I learned the act of tzedakah is even more powerful than I originally understood – the root of the word literally means justice in Hebrew.

Tzedakah – donating money (or time or resources or anything else you may have that someone else does not) – is a cornerstone of Judaism and a ritual that I hope we are all baking into our day to day lives in 2020. Not everyone can afford to give, but if you are able to, thinking critically about how to redistribute your resources is a great way to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and every single day of the year.

Take a social media break

As I said at the start of this article, we are all experiencing digital communication fatigue. I love social media and I think it can be a great tool, but I also know that my doomscrolling stops me from sleeping, that the apps encourage performativity in a way I’m not always comfortable with, and that a lot of the work I want to get done before the world ends is deep internal personal work that cannot be quantified on an Instagram story or achieved by making the perfect hilarious tweet.

The High Holidays are a great time to take an intentional social media break and sit with your own brain and your own heart with no interruptions from your screen. Think deeply about what you’re hoping to accomplish this upcoming year – not as a means to be productive or gain capital but as an exercise in thinking about who you want to be as a person, what you want your soul to look like at the end of your days. Journal with Yom Kippur as a prompt – who are the people you have wronged this year? Would they benefit from an apology or are there better ways you can make amends?

What is the internal work you still need to do? How will you set about doing it this year? We do not have time to wait.

Adapt your old rituals to our new reality

This may be obvious as a large majority of this list is doing just that, but the truth is you already know how to celebrate the High Holidays – and you can take that knowledge and customize it to fit the pandemic, because we’ve all become skilled at that.

In 2018 I wrote Queering the Jewish Holidays: How I Celebrate Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur and I still stand by that list – with the exception of gathering a large group in person, everything I suggested in that article can be modified to work with pandemic precautions and protocol.

I’d love to hear how you’re celebrating in the comments, and I hope that no matter what you’re doing, you’re able to find a tiny piece of joy, a small bite of sweetness. Amen.

This year, Rosh Hashanah starts at sundown on Friday, September 18 and ends at sundown on Sunday, September 20. Yom Kippur starts at sundown on Sunday, September 27 and ends with break fast at sundown on Monday, September 28.

Pandemic Dating

A 4 panel comic about dating during the pandemic. Panel 1: Titled First Base. Two smart phones with two people on a FaceTime date, each saying hey to the other. Panel 2: Titled Second Base. The same two people are on a social distance date in the park. Both are wearing masks and sitting six feet apart. One is with a cute dog holding a ball in its mouth. Panel 3: Titled Third Base. The same two people are sitting on a blanket together in the park. They are not wearing masks but they are smiling and talking. The cute dog sleeps peacefully next to its person. Panel 4: A smartphone shows a text message conversation that goes like this: Person 1: I asked my housemates if you could come over… Person 2: Nervous face emoji. Person 1: They said yes! Final text reads: You’re Married Now!

How to Move During a Pandemic

by Ari & Vanessa

Moving is always stressful. Moving during a pandemic? Extremely stressful. Lucky for you, we (Ari and Vanessa) both just moved, and we lived to tell the tale. We took our own personal experiences, a bunch of generously shared advice from Autostraddle readers who have also moved over the past six months, and put together a guide to help you through this particularly fraught pandemic task. We’ll get into the nitty-gritty details in a minute, but before we dive in, we wanted to emphasize these overarching helpful tips.

  1. Wear a mask.
  2. Be more organized and pro-planning than you ever thought possible.
  3. Be as honest as possible with your landlord/rental company about the situation you’re in.
  4. Focus on your own safety and precautions, yes, but remember that your move is going to expose other people to you and your germs, and you need to be proactive about protecting them from your germs, too.
  5. Be kind. We’re living through a pandemic – everything is taking so much longer because folks are getting used to an impossible reality. Your organization and planning will help a lot with this step because if you’re not doing something at the last minute or feeling very anxious you can be more patient, but even if you do get stressed or overwhelmed, try to remain kind.

If you’re feeling really overwhelmed and need help conceptualizing what a successful move would look like without a pandemic, we encourage you to start with this helpful guide written by Rachel in the Before Times: Moving 101: From Point A to Point B With Minimal Crying. Once you’re done reading that, come back here and join us for our Pandemic Moving 101 Journey!

We believe in you, you’re gonna do this! Here’s how.

What To Do Before The Day of Your Move

Like we said in the intro, you’re going to want to be more organized than you ever thought possible during this move. Here are some things you might want to be thinking about – this is just a starting point, so if you think of more organizational elements that will help your specific move, add them, too. And don’t be shy about actually writing everything down – that will help you keep track and not forget anything.

  • Where will you get your boxes? (Friends? Home delivery from a big box store? Curbside pickup from U-Haul? The post office? The grocery store?)
  • What supplies do you need to gather, and will you be purchasing online or going into the store? (Whichever you decide make sure you’re not taking a million small trips – you’ll want to limit your exposure to others as much as possible because COVID does not care that you’re moving!)
  • Can you isolate yourself for 14 days before the actual move so you know you aren’t accidentally spreading asymptomatic COVID?
  • Can you isolate yourself for 14 days when you reach your destination (same reasoning)?
  • Can you form a small pod of people 4-6 weeks before your move so you don’t have to hire movers and can rely on your the folks in your “germ pod” to help you? (This point is especially crucial if you live alone and are moving solo!).
  • If you’re hiring movers, how many people should you hire to maximize efficiency and minimize exposure for you, your housemates, and the movers? (We have more advice for you if you decide to employ people with your move in the next section.)
  • What are the administrative tasks you need to take care of before your move to help you have a smooth landing, and also to allow yourself to quarantine properly for 14 full days if that’s something you’re otherwise able to do? (For example, file a change of address on the USPS site so your mail will be forwarded efficiently, let your doctor know well in advance that you’re moving and ask how they recommend you transfer your prescriptions, research the government services you’ll need access to – like the DMV – to see if they’re working and how their procedures have shifted due to the pandemic.)

Another way organization is key for your pre-move planning is the way you actually pack your belongings. Autostraddle reader Megan emailed us and shared this tip: “When packing, I tried to consolidate things into boxes and bins and tote bags as much as possible to minimize the number of surfaces being touched, i.e. distributing things in boxes by weight and not by room.” If you’re using a pod or a box to ship your belongings, consider what will need to be washed when you get to your new destination (anything that wasn’t in a box, like your pillows or sheets – I know that there is conflicting research about how long COVID can live on different surfaces, but tbh I think this is great advice even when not dealing with a pandemic so I’m including it!).

Finally, the research is in: wear a mask. Wear a mask when you go to the store to buy all your moving supplies! Wear a mask if folks outside of your pod enter your home to help you move! Wear a mask while you’re sorting through boxes in front of your local liquor store! Wear a mask when you get on the airplane! MASKS: GET INTO THEM!

Choose How You Will Actually Move

There are so many options for how you can move, and there’s no best way. The primary thing, no matter how you move, is if you’re around people, wear your mask. WEAR YOUR MASK; DO NOT TAKE IT OFF. We’ve covered some of the basics here, but of course you may use some, none, or all of these! Do what works best for you!

If You Hire Movers, Tip Extremely Well and Respect Their Time

If you hire movers the biggest tips here are well, to tip, and stay out of their way. Movers are essential workers, and unlike grocery clerks, you’re able to tip them! And you should tip them! I understand if it’s unreasonable for you to be able to tip a full 100%, but if you’re a person of means, that’s exactly what you should aim for. And because these are essential workers, they’re seeing lots of people who are and aren’t taking this pandemic as seriously as they should be. So, help them out (and honestly, help yourself out), and stay out of their way. Okay, now that we’ve moved past basics, let’s talk about some other ways you can treat your helpers well.

Logistically, you want to check what safety measures the moving company is putting into place. Six months into the pandemic, most moving websites I’ve visited have very clear messages about how they’re sanitizing their trucks and materials. Regardless of how the company is handling cleanliness, you should provide hand sanitizer and a clean sink with soap and water for them to use. If you’ve got disposable masks, it’d also be really nice to offer those – when I moved, I went through twelve masks in one day. Having fresh, clean, masks available will make the process easier for everyone.

You also want to be sure to be very organized, more so than you’d usually be for a move! If you have the ability, think about moving everything into a central room so folks don’t have to go all throughout the house. Have your mattress already wrapped in plastic so strangers aren’t touching it, don’t use boxes that will fall apart or have difficulty closing. The main reason you want to be organized is, obviously, to respect the time of the movers. Folks are able to move fewer people than previously because of the sanitation measures they’re taking, so if you can turn your two hour move into an hour and a half, you’re offering them more time to rest and clean!

If Your Friends / Germ Pod Help You Move, Express (COVID-Cautious) Gratitude

If your friends help you move we offer much of the same advice as if you hire movers. One of the biggest differences to keep in mind is the usual “I can give you pizza and drinks after to say thank you!” You probably should not do this! Instead, think about sending their favorite meal to their home via your favorite delivery services. When I (Ari) moved into my new spot, the old tenant, a friend, left popsicles in the freezer, and those were amazing treats to give folks on their way out as they headed back home. Be nice, send thank you cards and don’t hug, as much as you want to!

How to Choose Between a Van, a Truck, and a Pod

Getting a van, truck, or pod might be the best option for you if you don’t have many friends with large vehicles, or want to do the move by yourself in your own time. If you’re getting a van or truck, see if the company has a contactless check-in system. U-Haul has one that requires a phone with GPS enabled, and will require you to take a picture of your ID as you sign in. No, you cannot use an old picture of your ID that you have on your phone, and yes, I know this from experience (which is to say: remember to bring your ID with you!). Pods are nice because similar to no-contact check in, you also can keep it at your home for long periods of time, and it’ll get sent to your new location! If you aren’t a strong driver and are moving a long distance (like Vanessa), we love the idea of a pod.

Be prepared to wait! Just like movers are sanitizing between moves, companies that provide moving trucks are doing the same, so your truck reserved for 8:30 might not be ready until 9:30, and you just have to be okay with that. Don’t be the person yelling at essential workers because you’re inconvenienced. We’re all dealing with inconveniences!

Finally, be okay with taking as long as you need. If you think you’ll need four hours, reserve the truck for seven, just in case. If you think the pod will arrive within one week of your arrival, pack a suitcase with enough underwear for two weeks, just in case. Keep your necessities close, and get comfortable waiting. Things are taking longer now, depending on where you are, it’s hot as hell, and the last thing you want to happen is to end up in the ER or urgent care because of exhaustion. Treat yourself gently, this is gonna be hard, it’s gonna be sweaty, and we aren’t used to having three layers of cloth covering our mouths and noses at all times.

How To Actually Move Yourself and Your Pets During The Pandemic

Depending on where you’re moving and how far away it is, your choice of how to physically take your body (and your pets!) from point A to point B will differ. I moved across the country and chose to fly instead of drive; Ari moved within their city and managed their move with a U-Haul van and a friend’s car (which said friend had to drive because Ari doesn’t drive). Regardless of your mode of transport, there are ways to take precautions to keep yourself and those around you as safe as possible.

Here’s What To Do If You’re Flying During The Pandemic

Research the airlines and see which companies are taking a strong stance on COVID safety. I flew JetBlue and they require masks on the plane and (as of July 2020) are not booking the middle seat at all. I also bought a face shield (to be worn as well as a mask, not instead of a mask!) and to be honest I loved it and will probably start wearing one at all times. Many airlines have consolidated their flight schedules because fewer people are traveling right now, so plan in advance to make sure you can book a flight on your desired date and also see if you can get a trip at a non-peak time.

Here’s What To Do If You’re Taking The Train During The Pandemic

Full disclosure, neither Ari nor I have moved via train (ever!) and none of the readers who wrote to us have either, but I’d imagine the tips for flying are relevant if this is your preferred mode of transport.

Here’s What To Do If You’re Driving Long Distance During The Pandemic

I really want to stress that we should be thinking about the overall health and safety of everyone throughout this pandemic, not just of ourselves. I’ve seen a lot of entitlement surrounding “getting outdoors” or “going into nature” or “driving so I’m safe” on social media, and I want to stress that we are still in a pandemic and now is really not the time for a fun road trip.

If you need to drive to get from point A to point B that’s cool, but I personally do not support stopping at a bunch of national parks or extending your trip any longer than you have to. The longer you’re on the road the more likely you’ll be interacting with individuals in small towns who did not consent to being exposed to your germs, and I think the goal should be to make the lightest footprint possible.

Autostraddle reader Emily suggested sleeping in your car if you’re able to; camping is another great option, though if you stay in hotels or other rentals be mindful of the workers who are going to have to sanitize after you and take care to clean up after yourself. Try to limit how often you’ll be entering grocery stores (I would…not stop at restaurants) – musician and longtime Autostraddle pal Mal Blum recommends packing protein-heavy snacks so that you won’t have to stop for food so often. I know it’s not fun to survive for a few days on Cliff Bars and beef jerky, but again, this isn’t really about having a fun road trip. It’s about moving during a pandemic and being mindful of the health and safety of those you encounter along the way.

Here’s How To Move Your Pets During The Pandemic

Give yourself extra time and grace when you’re moving with pets. Take out your carriers earlier than usual, if putting them in carriers is your want. Use pheromones in the weeks leading up, because seeing you stressed out and masked is not going to make your pets feel any happier or safer (trust me, this is from experience). If your pets really struggle with travel, think about talking to your vet about a sedative (if you’re flying, you’ll need to make sure your airline doesn’t have any rules against sedatives…although…how could they check?). In the most ideal world, you’ll either move your pets before everything else is moved (I, Ari, moved my cats to my new spot the night before my Big Move, slept there and fed them in the morning, and then locked them into the bedroom), or very last thing. If you can help it, I would not move pets, especially cats (what I know best), into your new place while everything else is happening. It’s just not gonna be fun.

You Made It Through Your Pandemic Move, Now What? Quarantine!

Yay! You made it to your new place! I’m so happy! Please go take a nap, I’m sure you’re tired. Once you’ve woken up from your nap, think about how you will keep yourself and your new neighbors and community members safe in the upcoming fourteen days. If possible quarantine strictly before and after — that’s 14 days of no-contact with other humans! We understand that’s not possible for everyone but if it is, go for it. Are you living alone? Many utilities aren’t requiring someone to show up at your place anymore to turn them on, call them to see if they’ll provide you with a self-installation kit. Need groceries? Count on your housemates, if they’re able to help, or if you’re alone, feel comfortable using Instacart or Shipt or whatever delivery service is available near you. The folks shopping for you already live in the community and won’t be introducing new germs into the environment, so it’s probably safer for them to go shopping than you.

If you live with housemates, have a pandemic protocol meeting with your housemates. If you can do so beforehand, do so; it’s nice to know how people are navigating the pandemic before you move in with them. Even if you do have one beforehand, it also might be nice to have one once you get there as well. Being on the same page matters! You don’t want to be surprised by a “socially distant hang out” on your first night there.

We’re so happy you’re moving somewhere new, and we hope that your new home provides you with safety and happiness! Because of this pandemic, moving is going to be hard, but you can do it! Keep these tips in mind, and everything should work out fine! We love you! Be safe!! WEAR A MASK!!!!!

Songs to Come Home to: A Pandemic Friendship and Loneliness Playlist

We’ve talked a lot about navigating love and romance during this pandemic. After all, lesbians love an excuse for longing. But lately my longing has shifted towards the platonic.

I’ve always had a complicated relationship to friendship. It’s the source of most of my trauma and the theme of my deepest insecurities. Whenever I think I’m done learning lessons about friendship the world presents me with a new one. I think this is why I place so much emphasis on dating and romance — it makes sense to me in a way platonic friendship never has.

But this pandemic and all the isolation has really underlined my dearest friendships. I think it has for a lot of us. Casual relationships of any type are suddenly more difficult and that provides a newfound clarity.

Playlists are one of my favorite ways to express a barrage of feelings, so I decided to make a pandemic friendship playlist. This isn’t a collection of songs about friendship (sorry Randy Newman) but rather an attempt to capture all my complicated and gooey friendship feelings — the biggest feeling being I REALLY MISS MY FRIENDS.

As stated previously on this site my playlists have a narrative arc, because that is simply Who I Am. Did I have to retrofit some songs beyond their intended meaning? Absolutely. But trust me it all checks out — at least in my brain.

Also yes the title of this playlist, “Songs to Come Home To,” is inspired by a Jinkx Monsoon song. I’ve been binge watching Drag Race with one of my best friends. Also someday I would like Jinkx to be one my best friends. Anyway…

The Playlist

24 Sex Toys for the Horny, Lonely, and Self-Isolating

As countries around the world have all encouraged everyone to stay in as often as possible, it has exacerbated loneliness for a lot of people. And for some of us who live alone and have sex drives, it’s also desperately increased our levels of horniness. If you’re horny, and lonely, what better to fill the void in your heart than new sex toys! Need some suggestions?? I’ve got you babe. Check out these 24 toys and accessories to get yourself off as often as your little heart desires. Who says you can’t masturbate at 11:26 am on a weekday?!?!

Get Inside Yourself

I don’t know about you, but…. if we’re being honest, I miss being dicked down. I miss another person fucking me! I miss the excitement of someone coming over and me not knowing what they were gonna pull out of their backpack! Here are some suggestions if you, too, miss that feeling, or want to spend the next weeks (or months) becoming a size queen so you can surprise your next conquest.

Toys for Penis-havers

I’m not gonna lie to you, Cialis was a runner-up, but I felt like asking your doctor for a prescription right now to help your masturbation might not be something everyone’s willing to do in the midst of a quarantine.

Good Vibrations

1 / Peace Vibrator ($89.99). 2 / Form 2 Rechargeable Vibrator ($169.99). 3 / Tryst V2 Vibrator ($154.99). 4 / Hitachi Tri-Pleasure Package ($139.99)

Maybe you’ve been working on relaxing enough to squirt during quarantine, and you need a little something to get you over that last hurdle. These are your friends. Don’t have a Magic Wand to use that attachment with yet? Wow, what a time to remedy that.

BUTT STUFF

1 / Plug Walk ($12.95-$19.95). 2 / Booty Bliss Vibrating Beads ($19.95). 3 / Lovelife Explore Anal Plug ($29) 4 / Rimming Plug 2 ($150)

Here’s another secret: I miss having another person’s finger in my butt. And now that I’ve overshared, please check out these sweet things that you can stick in your butt.

Self-Bondage

I know I’m not the only person disappointed that my bandanas were drafted for outside wear, and is now like… how can I self-tie myself to my bed frame, I need to feel something, anything at all?!?!?!?!???? Just me??? Okay.

Accessories

Here’s some extras to make you feel sexy, to help you fuck yourself, and to stay lubed up! I just started taking sexy tinctures and I am in love with them and myself!

Who says getting it on by yourself isn’t as fun as partnered sex? Pick up a few of these toys and enjoy getting to know your body! I know I will!! Happy masturbating!

Autostraddle Is Hosting Our Second Virtual Community Care Week On Instagram & You’re Invited!

Happy Friday, we have exciting news to announce! Autostraddle’s second virtual community care week, Shelter In Our Place 2, is taking place next week on Instagram – and you’re invited! From Monday, 5/25 to Sunday, 5/31 we will be providing 100% free queer programming to help us feel connected as a community. It’s going to be really, really, really good.

Autostraddle’s Shelter In Our Place was first created in March 2020, aka approximately 450 years ago, when shelter in place orders went into effect almost everywhere in the United States and different levels of stay at home orders were implemented in most countries around the world. We felt sad, scared, lonely, and isolated, and we wanted to find a way to connect with our community even as we couldn’t gather in person. Enter: a virtual community care week! We spent the week hanging out on Instagram live, learning yoga and how to bake challah, talking sex toys and cocktails and queerantine haircuts and parenting through a pandemic, and enjoying AMAs with Gaby Dunn, Grace Lavery, and Jenna Wortham, just to name a few. It was a truly fun time, and honestly, fun is hard to come by these days, so that was pretty incredible.

When we hosted our spring fundraiser, one of the perks we promised was a second round of Shelter In Our Place if we reached our $75,000 goal – which we surpassed with your generous donations. And so here we are, back again with an incredible roster of Autostraddle team members, internet personalities, and queer community members to hang out with you during our second virtual community care week. This time around we’re baking with cannabis, playing Animal Crossing together, hanging out with baby goats, and making delicious brunch. We’re chatting about wellbeing beyond the binary, watching a live rope tie, and creating personalized home workouts. And we have exciting guests like Fatimah Asghar, Andrea Lawlor, Gia Fagnelli, Karmenife X, and many many more! I truly cannot believe how lucky we are with this schedule… prepare to be very, very excited and very, very invested in Autostraddle’s Instagram account starting on Monday 5/25!

Participating in Shelter In Our Place 2 is easy: most days we will have a morning and evening live event, which will take place in real time on our Instagram account and which will be available to watch for 24 hours afterwards. We have three (!) baking/making sessions this time, and we’ll post the ingredients for these events one day in advance so you can gather them together and follow along if you desire. We will also have AMAs in the afternoon – we’ll post a question slide a couple of hours in advance – and we have a few very special late night offerings, too! Make sure to check out the time of each event on the schedule (all posted in EST, so do your time zone math accordingly!) because they’re slightly different on some days. All of this action is happening on Instagram, so if you don’t have an account and have been contemplating making a burner to watch your crush’s stories, now is the time!

Without further ado, here’s the full schedule for Shelter In Our Place 2!

SHELTER IN OUR PLACE 2: A VIRTUAL COMMUNITY CARE WEEK

MAY 25-MAY 30, ALL TIMES LISTED EST

MONDAY, MAY 25
11 AM: Queer Kids’ Stuff with @lindzamer
4 PM: AMA: Chill Out with @asgharthegrouch
8 PM: Sex Work Stories: An Honest Convo with @xoai.jpg and @seewun

TUESDAY, MAY 26
2 PM: Rope in Real Time with @daemonumx and @saraelise333
4 PM: AMA: Wellbeing Beyond the Binary with @themshealth
8 PM: Baking with Cannabis! with @stm.l.a and @thatkamala
10 PM: Late night Toy Chat and Q&A with @lisaspliffson

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27
11 AM: Selfie Booth Crafting with @mollyktadams and @vanessatakesphotos
4 PM: AMA: Sex & LDR Relationships with @internationalmisterpleather
8 PM: Animal Crossing Live Play! with @mermaidqueenjude
10 PM: Fat, Erotics & Embodiment with @they_rly_let_themselves_go

THURSDAY, MAY 28
1 PM: Water Sign Salon with @loveloaf_ and @thatssopisces
4:20 PM: AMA: Holistic Healing with Cannabis and Herbs with @_lunita
8 PM: Kinky Queer Talk with @thejustinecross
10 PM: Late Night Erotica with @anderlawlor

FRIDAY, MAY 29
1 PM: Chesa’ Time: Snack and Dance with @tendervirgofarts and @guma_gela
4 PM: AMA: Kickback with @thefawz
6 PM: Queer Community Shabbat with @onetableshabbat and @vanessatakesphotos

SATURDAY, MAY 30
11 AM: Saturday Brunch Babes with @palombinagoods
7 PM: Baby Goat Therapy Hour at Moxie Ridge Farm with @hennessie
10 PM: Pole Request Live! with @giafagnelli

SUNDAY, MAY 31ST
11 AM: Coffee at the Crib with @baristabehindthebar and @ayoshelli
4 PM: AMA: Work(out) from Home! with @bbpapi
8 PM: Klub Deer DJ set with @carlytron and @bishilarious

Shelter In Our Place 2 launches on Monday at 11am EST, and we can’t wait to see you there.

Happy Hour at Home: Have Some Very Gay Zoom Backgrounds

Be our guest for Happy Hour at Home, a small series about the joys of lesbian socializing from home, because let’s be honest with ourselves — we’re going to be here for a while.

I read a piece that was essentially about Zoom happy hours kinda sucking in comparison to “real life” happy hours (what exactly is real life these days: discuss), and when I got to the end, I was like……. OK, duh.

I dunno. I don’t think anyone is out here claiming that virtual happy hours with friends are seamless. Technology makes it a little clunkier, a little more awkward, than standing in a room together. Maybe it’s a little annoying, but to me these also seem like pretty minor trade-offs for getting to socialize with friends in some form.

Or maybe I’m just getting a little cranky about people complaining about the virtualization of social lives! Of course it’s not the same! Nothing is the same! We gotta make do with what we can! That’s pretty much the entire undercurrent of this Happy Hour at Home series. Socializing during a pandemic isn’t easy or seamless, but connecting with friends is so important!

Anyway, one way to make a Zoom happy hour a little more escapist is to use a virtual background. You can be ANYWHERE you want! I received a particularly deranged email from Airbnb (the Brands have been wilding out more than usual) providing “beautiful,” “scenic” images of people’s homes? That they suggested would make “great backgrounds for video calls”?? And I found it supremely dumb and upsetting. And yet, here I am! About to hit you with some free virtual background ideas! But listen, these are better than those!!!!!

Click the image to open in full size.

1. The Chart

For when you’re bringing goss to the happy hour.

2. The Good Place

For when you remember we do indeed live in the Bad Place.

3. The Alleyway Behind SUR

For when you want to confront someone about something demonic they did while drinking a very full glass of wine.

4. The It’s Complicated kitchen

For when you’re dreaming of excess counter space for all your regrowing scallions.

5. Vida’s

For when you’re missing the gay bars — even fictional ones.

6. Bette and Tina’s Pool

For when happy hour feels more like horny hour.

7. Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe

For when you’re processing drama over a milkshake.

8. Betty Cooper’s Murder Board

For when you’re doing some online detective work to figure out which couples in your social circle are breaking up.

9. Villanelle’s Paris Apartment

For when you’ve got a fridge full of just champagne.

10. This Stock Photo of Houseplants

For when you accidentally kill all your houseplants mid-quarantine.

Tell Us All About Your Weird Pandemic Sex Dreams!

As we enter month 567 of the pandemic, many of us are noticing… some weird stuff. Well, maybe not weird; maybe a set of totally normal reactions to a very abnormal situation — whether you’re having surprising food cravings, developing new coping hobbies you could never have imagined you’d care about, or are just spending hours a day recreating the gardens of Versailles in Animal Crossing, our brains are all over the place. One thing it’s impacting is our dreams — we’re having a whole new range of anxiety dreams, or dreaming of wild animals from inside quasi-confinement. I’m pretty sure we’re also having some weird sex dreams! Here at autostraddle dot com, we’d love to hear about them in a respectful manner, for journalism. Here’s how this project will work:

You can use the form below to tell us about your pandemic sex dream(s) in as much or as little detail as you wish — it can be two paragraphs or it can be “margaret thatcher :(“. It will be completely anonymous; this form doesn’t record any info about you at all. You can use it as many times as you want, entering multiple dreams at a time or coming back a few days later when you have a new dream. Much as with lesbian sex itself, we will let you decide what qualifies as a sex dream. Dreams must be your own; you cannot submit someone else’s that was related to you, even if it’s a really good one. We’ll collect responses for a week — so, until Monday May 18th — although we might leave the form open if you wanna like, use it as a diary. Selected responses will be published on Autostraddle as an A+ post; we reserve the right to not necessarily publish all of them. It’s a great time to join if you aren’t a member, so you can be nosy and help ensure the survival of independent queer media at the same time!

Topping From the Bunker: Tips for Long-Distance Kink

feature image via Shutterstock

Many romantic partners are quarantined in separate homes, and online think pieces are falling all over themselves to teach us how to sext and how to plan the perfect long-distance date. While some couples can keep their relationships afloat by flinging the occasional nude into the cloud, those who crave consensual power exchange have been left to fend for ourselves.

Maybe you and your partner have an established kink dynamic. Maybe you’re tired of whispering, “Sit on my face,” into the phone and you’re yearning for variety. Maybe you swiped right on a BDSM-loving babe and have decided to be her Zoom daddy for the foreseeable future. Good news: there are no geographic limits to being a kinky slut, and I’m willing to lend you my perverted imagination.

First, some definitions: BDSM is acronym that can be broken down into three parts — B&D (bondage and discipline), D/s (dominance and submission) and S&M (sadism and masochism). BDSM falls under the larger “kink” umbrella, which includes any “unconventional” sexual practice (whatever that means for you) and consensual power play. Kink and BDSM don’t always involve sex. I’ve included some long-distance kink ideas that involve sexual stimulation and others where the orgasms are optional.

Safety First

You can’t shove your sweetie’s face into the mattress and flog them into next year while social distancing, but that doesn’t mean you should ditch your safe word. Since long-distance kink is often verbal, you’ll have an opportunity to discover fantasies that live in the deepest, most fucked up recesses of your mind (fun, huh?). You’ll both feel safer exploring that space if you have a word that lets your partner know it’s time to tap out.

Distance also requires us to reframe aftercare, which is how kinky people refer to the time and attention we give to each other when we’re coming down from an intense physical and/ or psychological experience. Aftercare typically involves touch. In a virtual kink scenario, aftercare might look like a verbal debrief of the roleplay you just enjoyed. It might involve sending each other calming playlists or Facetiming while you share videos of labradors learning how to surf. This won’t feel like the IRL aftercare you may have experienced before, so you’ll have to experiment (and communicate) to meet each other’s needs

Once you’ve discussed safety and boundaries, you’re ready to dive in.

Use Your Words

Since you’re not sharing a physical space, you’ll have to do some storytelling to get each other off. Talk about a kinky experience you shared pre-quarantine. List the vicious things you’d do to each other if you were in the same space now.

Do you or your partner have particular words or phrases that get you into a kinky headspace? Maybe you like to be a “good girl” or a “slut.” Maybe your partner likes to be called “Daddy,” “Mistress” or “Sir.” Sometimes a simple “please” is all it takes to thrust someone into power play mode. If you’re experimenting with a new person or if you don’t already know your partner’s kinky buzzwords, ask! Make a list. Use them with abandon.

Role Play

Role play is often rooted in power play, and this is an ideal time to stretch your fantasies to their creative limits. Is teacher/ student role play your thing? Assign your student a book report. Grade it. Make them spank themself on video chat for each grammatical error. Does doctor/ patient play turn you on? Turn your Zoom meeting into a telehealth appointment. I know you have latex gloves.

Follow Instructions

Kink is full of instructions (“Stay still;” “Get on your knees;” “Be a good boy”). Instructions can fuel a kinky video chat or phone call, but they can also keep your heart pounding throughout an entire day. Experiment with immediate demands (“Take a photo of your ass right now and text it to me”), daily tasks (“I want you to polish all of your boots every morning while I watch”) or hourly tasks (“I want you to masturbate every hour on the hour, but don’t let yourself have an orgasm”). Raise the stakes with rewards and punishments.

Practice Orgasm Control

Orgasm control can involve forcing, delaying or denying a partner’s orgasm as a form of power play. When you’re not in the same space, you can control a partner’s orgasms verbally (“You’re not allowed to come until I give you permission”) or physically using an app-compatible sex toy or chastity device.

We-Vibe makes multiple toys (including vaginal toys, butt plugs and underwear vibes) that can be operated from a cell phone. These toys are powerful and versatile, but they’re definitely pricey. If you have the funds to order one, you can wear it throughout the day and let your partner control it all day long. After a full day of edging, your evening phone sex will be electric.

Chastity devices prevent the wearer from receiving sexual pleasure. Chastity cages are designed for penises and are available at most sex toy retailers, and the more flexible options can be safely worn for long periods of time. Most of them allow the wearer to use the bathroom even when they’re locked in, so you can instruct your sub to stay in their cage all day. Chastity belt options for folks with vulvas are fairly limited, but I found some hot options on Etsy (just be aware that you won’t be able to pee while wearing one of these and plan accordingly).

Send Snail Mail

We’re in the midst of a pandemic, so it’s not the best time time to mail your worn, wet underwear your your long-distance darling. That said, receiving any form of mail that’s not a bill feels exciting, especially right now, and there are plenty of other physical objects that can make your long-distance play feel a little more personal. Send your partner a sex toy from your local sex toy store. Tell them you want them to use while you watch on video chat. Mail your sub a collar. Send lingerie or leather or latex and demand a photo shoot. Handwrite erotica. Make something that fulfills a roleplay fantasy (perhaps your student needs a report card?).

Let Someone Else Do The Work

Sex workers have been hit hard by Covid-19. The risk of infection has made in-person work dangerous for sex workers and their clients, and many people in the sex industry don’t qualify for unemployment or other government relief funds. Now is the time to pay sex workers for their expertise! Buy your partner an online domination session. Purchase a video clip from your favorite domme’s website or OnlyFans page. You’ll be supporting a worker whose livelihood is in jeopardy, and you’ll be getting hot content in return (and if you have extra dollars to spare, donate to your local sex worker relief fund or SWOP chapter).

Plan for Your Kinky Future

Long-distance power play is possible, but you can’t exactly fulfill someone’s kidnapping fantasy while remaining six feet away. When social distancing no longer keeps you and your partner apart, what do you want to do to each other? Create a kinky wish list of spankings and rope bondage and play parties. Looking forward to future exploits might help you stay grounded while you wait for the world to be closer to normal. We have no idea when that will be, but at least we can stay wet while we wait.

Happy Hour at Home: Welcome To The Gay Club

Be our guest for Happy Hour at Home, a small series about the joys of lesbian socializing from home, because let’s be honest with ourselves — we’re going to be here for a while.

I confess that I wasn’t entirely sure what this series would be until I started writing it (story of my life!), but it essentially has become: My girlfriend and I did this weird, fun thing during quarantine and idk maybe you could try some variation of it if you want a distraction or an activity or just a small crumb of that thing that I think a lot of us are longing for. The little everyday feelings that we probably took for granted. Like running into a friend unexpectedly while doing errands. Or striking up conversation with a stranger while waiting in line for something dumb. Or overhearing gay drama at the coffee shop. Whatever that feeling is that those outside-the-home experiences gave me, I miss it.

After turning our apartment into a tea parlor, a fancy restaurant, a spa, and a beach, it was only a matter of time before my girlfriend and I decided to make a fake gay club. Before, we kept making and changing plans to go out dancing at one of the queer spots in Vegas. Now we’re extra-regretting that it never happened. So we turned the apartment into Club Jane’s (our fake beachside bar was called Sailor Jane’s, and I don’t know who Jane is, but apparently she’s a very busy lesbian entrepreneur in the realm of our quarantine fantasies) and we had so much fun getting sweaty and silly that it’s now a weekly tradition.

PROS OF CLUB JANE’S:

  • No bathroom lines.
  • I can actually hear myself talking.
  • I control the music.
  • Minimal drama.

CONS OF CLUB JANE’S:

  • No bathroom lines. Even this is a form of human interaction that I now miss. Nothing bonds strangers faster than the feeling of nearly peeing your pants.
  • I can actually hear myself talking. WHO WANTS TO HEAR THEMSELVES TALKING —especially after shots of cheap liquor?
  • I control the music. This is too much pressure.
  • Minimal drama. I want to see at least one couple fight and at least one messy newly single person at the club. I almost started drama with the dog just for that rush.

To set the mood, I found a looped video of a disco ball changing colors on YouTube. Sometimes my past theater kid self REALLY COMES THROUGH, but especially in this current moment in time, so I don’t think my girlfriend was at all surprised at how readily I agreed to pretend to be a dyke bartender and how much I then committed to the bit. She did not seem as thrilled when I charged her $10 for the “drink special” (two-for-one vodka well drinks), but baby, welcome to Club Jane’s.

I miss the rare fucking times of being in a room full of entirely queer people. Dancing and shouting together. Even the messy nights, the crying nights. So many gay clubs and bars already struggled to stay afloat before this, and I know that we’re likely going to return to a world with fewer of them. In the grand scheme of things there are obviously bigger losses to worry about, but it still matters.

The last time I danced outside of home was on Valentine’s Day in Orlando. We came back to our hotel, thinking we would quietly close out the night. Instead, we stumbled upon a whole ass dance party in the hotel lobby bar. We weren’t sure if it was an invite-only situation, but by then, everyone had enough drinks in them not to care about us crashing. So we joined in, and it was incredible. AN IMPROMPTU DANCE PARTY WITH STRANGERS IN FLORIDA!!!! Experiences like that, as silly and inconsequential as they are, are so difficult to even conceive of right now. I wish I’d savored it more.

At Club Jane’s, we danced to Robyn, Abba, Missy Elliot, and a few wildcards like the Vanderpump Rules theme song and also my favorite song from the My Best Friend’s Wedding soundtrack (“Tell Him” by the Exciters). In a complete departure from the reality of a gay club where it seems like the same 15 songs play over and over, I have decided that one of the rules for Club Jane’s is no song repeats week-to-week. Every week, I’m going to make a fresh playlist. Yes, this is probably indicative of my overall need for control and variety in one very small aspect of life right now (“lol”). I also already have my outfits planned for the next three fake club nights, so you know, I’m doing great!

Perhaps the most perfectly imitated portion of the night (other than my girlfriend spilling an entire drink on the floor because she was dancing too hard to Robyn) was the end of it — the part that normally takes place at home anyway. Tired and sweaty and drunk, we shoveled leftovers (a dilapidated shepherd’s pie) into our mouths on the couch while watching the important work of cinema Mamma Mia!.

Here was week one’s playlist at Club Jane’s, but I highly recommend that you make your own to fit the particular vibe of your gay club. The vibe at Club Jane’s is a little chaotic (“Dancing Queen” into “Gossip Folks”… my mind), but I don’t expect that to change.

Happy Hour at Home: How to Make Your Own Beach (In Three Easy Steps)

Be our guest for Happy Hour at Home, a small series about the joys of lesbian socializing from home, because let’s be honest with ourselves — we’re going to be here for a while.

1. Remember Sounds

REMEMBER SOUNDS? I remember so many sounds, and I miss them. Everything is just the same, same, same now. I keep joking that I’m watching more Bravo than ever just because the sound of large groups yelling over each other reminds me of busy happy hours at bars, but I think it might be true.

There are so many soundscapes I miss: busy bars, industrial-chic restaurants with their shitty ass acoustics, people ordering overly customized coffee drinks, servers listing specials. I miss noise. I think I even miss the awkward pitter-patter of small talk!!!!!

I definitely miss the soundscape of the beach. I’m quarantined in the desert, and the last real beach day I had was almost exactly a year ago when I flew to Florida to spend a long weekend with someone I’d only spent a handful of nights in a hotel with. At the beach, there was a balcony. On that balcony, we ate avocado with lemon juice and had mimosas with our coffee. The sun was Florida-hot (a heat that was new to me) and I sweat through my half-unbuttoned floral shirt. There were lots of good tastes and touches on that balcony, but right now I can’t stop thinking about the sounds. Breezy trees and birds that were also new to me and crashing waves and the people partying down below, ocean-front tailgating in cars that track-marked the sand. The day got noisier as it got hotter. Everything was very, very alive and loud. A good kind of bustling.

To make an indoor beach, simulate the sounds of one. Did you know there are hours and hours of beach footage on YouTube? I did not! They’re meant for meditations and for helping people sleep, and they can turn your living room into a pretty believable beach. There are nighttime ones, daytime ones, ones with more dramatic waves, ones with softer sounds, with birds, with crackling beachside bonfires. This is your beach, so make it sound however you like.

2. Fill a Cup with Crushed Ice

Why does everything taste better with crushed ice?

We made a fake gay bar for our simulated beach day. We called it Sailor Jane’s, because I like to imagine a dyke named Jane slinging Mai Tais at an outdoor bar somewhere. Rejected names for our beachside bar include Seas The Day and Shell Yeah.

All you need for tiki-style drinks is rum and citrus, really. At Sailor Jane’s, I had to do a decent amount of improvising. I don’t have a blender here, so I made crushed ice piña coladas with rum, unsweetened vanilla coconut milk, pineapple juice, and a few dollops of canned coconut cream that I’ve been keeping in the fridge and occasionally mix into my coffee (highly recommend). We don’t have Orgeat or curaçao, but I similarly faked a Mai Tai with rum, fresh-squeezed orange juice, triple sec, lime juice, and almond extract.

Did my piña coladas and Mai Tais taste like the ones I’ve sipped on the beach before? Not exactly! Unsurprisingly, a simulacrum of a beach day is… a simulacrum of a beach day. It’s never going to be exactly the same, but it’s still fun, another way to differentiate the days, which I guess has become the entire point of this Happy Hour At Home series. Making space for nice, comforting, fun things that don’t perfectly replicate socializing out in the world but evoke at least some small parts of it.

The drinks were still good, in large part thanks to crushed ice. You can crush ice by putting it in a ziploc or wrapped in a tea towel and banging it with a rolling pin. You can also use a blender or food processor, but the banging is better for dramatic effect. Other beach day drinks that taste better with crushed ice: coke, lemonade, sweet tea, ginger beer, seltzer.

Get your beach snacks, too. Pineapple or mango slices sprinkled with tajín. Just a straight up bag of chips. Pickle spears are an underrated beach snack. The good news about a faked beach is that you don’t have to worry about eating sand or things melting in the sun.

3. Wear Sunglasses Inside

You gotta dress the part! Wear a swimsuit inside. Wear a flowy cover-up. Wear shorts and a tank top, even if it’s cold outside. It’s your indoor beach, bitch! Who cares what the weather’s like outside? Personally, I have taken to wearing a bikini top in my own home, even when my girlfriend and I aren’t pretending to be on a beach, and you know what? I recommend it.

You’ve got a fake beach on the television and cold drinks and snacks, and now it’s time to just lay on a towel on the floor or, like I did, stretch out on the couch and take a nap. A fake beach day absolutely calls for a real nap.

Quarantine Survival Playlist: “Self-Love for Self-Isolation”

I haven’t seen my girlfriend in nearly two months, other than on FaceTime. And I don’t know when I’m going to see her again. I made her a version of this playlist, as I was looking for chill, relaxing vibes that were also sexy and romantic for some kind of long-distance connection.

But upon listening to it over and over, I realized it’s also perfect for some, well, self-love. If you’re not living with your partner, the only person you should be having sex with right now is yourself! You deserve to practice elaborate masturbation in your life. Now’s the perfect time!

These songs are for slowing down, relaxing, maybe sparking it up, laying in bed, staring out the window, and thinking of bae. Alternatively, they’re for slowing down, relaxing, maybe sparking it up, laying in bed, and getting to know yourself better (in the Biblical sense).

The Playlist:

Excerpts from Selected Tracks:

Listen to the lyrics, and realize that every love song on this list — and, essentially, every love song in general, really — could be about self-love! Sing these songs to your partner over FaceTime, or go look in the mirror and sing these songs to yourself (before you get down with yourself).

Dounia, “Love-Showered”

Keep me blushing, love-showered/ Show me pleasure for hours/ Beg me to eat up, devour/ ‘Cause you loving my power/ … Don’t know if I’m being selfish/ Fuck it, call me selfish/ Only want it if it’s fun, that’s how it should be/ Now I’m selfish/ Fuck it, call me selfish.

Girl Ultra, “Llama”

Cuando cae la noche quiero que tu estés aquí/ Quiero que tú estés aquí/ Llama antes de irte a dormir/ Baby, acuérdate de mí.
(Roughly: When the night falls I wish you were here/ I want you here/ Call me before you go to sleep/ Baby, remember me).

Kacy Hill ft. Francis And The Lights, “I Believe In You”

I believe in you/ And you are my proof/ That everything gets better and/ That love can be true/ I believe in you.

James Blake ft. ROSALÍA, “Barefoot In The Park”

Ya tengo to’ lo que quiero/ Ya no puedo pedir má’/ Cuando te tengo a mi la’o/ Lo pasa’o se queda atrá’/ Si te apartan de mi vera/ Y te tuviera que encontrar/ Hasta allá te encontraría/ Como el río va a la mar.

(Roughly: I have all that I need/ I can’t ask for more/ When I have you by my side/ The past stays behind/ If they separated us/ And I had to find you/ I’d go anywhere to find you/ Like the river goes to the sea).

Leikeli47, “Top Down”

Patient with my pride/ You move it all aside/ Never had a lover/ So careful and kind/ Ain’t much that I need, rather be/ Caught up in your rhapsody/ And I don’t mind/ I don’t mind.

The Japanese House, “f a r a w a y”

She makes me wonder why/ She makes me wonder what I’m doing/ Spending all these seconds away from her/ The time I’m losing/ Being far away, I’m lost in space/ Make it go away, all this space between us.

Be Steadwell, “Don’t Be Afraid”

Let’s find a way/ to let go of the roles that you always play/ Cuz in my hands/ You can feel safe/ Don’t be afraid/ If I turn you on/ Turn you out/ Don’t be afraid if I/ Steal my name from your mouth/ Don’t be afraid if you wanna ride/ Don’t be afraid to show me your soft side/ You can show your soft side.

Into the A+ Advice Box: Quarantine Special Edition

Welcome to the Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun.

We usually do this column bi-monthly, however some questions have epically urgent needs! Like when there’s a global pandemic happening, for instance. And so, without further adieu, we bring you: Into the A+ Advice Box: Quarantine Special Edition! 

We solicited answers from all our senior editors, so let’s dive in.

Q1:

For folks living alone during this pandemic, how do you reckon with the fact that you just don’t know when you’re going to get to touch another person? What do you do when video chatting isn’t enough? How do you feel like a person again? How do we get through this without losing our minds because honestly, today, I feel like I’m losing it.

My love languages are quality time and physical touch. It’s so hard going from seeing my friends and partner every day to going on 21 days without any human contact.

A:

Kamala: I feel you on the living alone front, and the madness that can follow when you realize that you are sharing your actual life, the one that involves your body, with literally not a single person. I also value quality time and touch so much, and I’m also frequently losing it! But I think it’s okay to lose it and find it again and the back and forth. On the quality time front, you can still have long-ass convos with all your loves! I will do specific things together like decide which socks I don’t need anymore or watch each other cook or read each other the best things we wrote that weekend or make drinks and talk shit together.

Touch is harder! I’m trying to take time specifically to focus on and remember the sensations of sharing touch with a person, and just recalling the times when I felt really close to and cared for by people. Legit, sometimes that just makes me sad, but other times it reminds me of all the ways this is just the present moment, and there have been and will be other nows. I also cuddle with my pillows? I put my phone on the bed next to me when I’m FaceTiming or Zooming and pretend my friends and I are lying in bed together chit-chatting?

I also have made some decisions that some people might call suspect, but I have 3 close friends who are in my “pod” and we see each other occasionally. I’m currently washing my friend’s new duvet cover he had sent to my apt and later we’ll wear our masks and go for a physically-distant walk in the dead of night, when everyone else is hopefully sleeping.

Riese: The bad news is that you are going to go crazy. I’m sorry!!! I am quarantining alone. I’ve had some practice being alone for an extended period of time, but I kinda went crazy then, also. I have a small dog, which is helpful (this is the first time in my life I’ve wished I had a big dog!) w/r/t the opportunity to touch something that is also living and breathing. I’ve just been accepting the lack. There are ways to feel physical comfort, like blasting the AC and wrapping yourself in a soft blanket. Staying active and in touch with my own body through exercise is probably also helpful. But I think this might just be a really terrible thing that we will have to bear.

Rachel: We’ll have an article addressing this a bit hopefully going up this week; the draft is in my inbox rn! But in the meantime, what I’ve been trying to do as a single person is focus on what somatic/bodily experiences I can have even though they aren’t another person — I have a weighted blanket that’s really been key for me, and I have a hot water bottle that I fill at night because the feeling of a warm, weighted soft thing in bed is helpful. Other sensory experiences like hot showers or baths or cuddling with pets when possible help a little too. I’m sorry that there isn’t a real replacement — it’s been very hard for me too, and I understand!

Q2:

So with the virus going around, I haven’t seen my girlfriend in about a month and a half. She’s not doing well, mental health wise and IDK how to keep helping her. She’s three hours away and I can’t just drive to see her because my state has been ‘banned’ from her state. What’s a good way to keep helping her from a distance? I’m worried about her.

A:

Rachel: This is hard, I’m so sorry! It’s also hard because ultimately your girlfriend will know the answer to this better than we will; different things will be helpful for different people! I understand she might not be in a super great place to articulate what she needs right now — and also like, obviously what would probably be MOST helpful for her would be for this pandemic to be over, which unfortunately you can’t do. But if you can try to get a sense from talking to her of what overall pain points she’s having, you can try to make a plan with her – if she’s missing structure and routine, you could try to create one together, and have meals or work time at the same times. If she’s needing access to a therapist or actual clinical practitioners, it might help her to have someone else take on some of the tedious work of researching what her options are or making calls or figuring out her health insurance coverage. If she’s really hurting for social contact, you could try making more consistent or structured hangouts, or taking on some of the work of reaching out to her friends and organizing stuff if she isn’t feeling up to it. I’m sorry this is so hard right now, and I’m thinking of you and your girlfriend <3

Q3:

Need advice! I asked a girl out on New Years and we hung out twice but both got busy. Then quarantine started, and she needed a place to live, so now she’s my roommate. We vibe well together and can’t stop talking and now I am quarantined with a crush. Should I lean into it? Should I back away? Anyone else ever been quarantined with a crush? HALP

A:

Laneia: Damn this is amazing. I’d put a pin in this crush and check back in on myself AFTER the lockdown. If, however, we’re all still locked down after six months and you still have a crush and you have SEARCHED YOUR SOUL for any whiff of desperation, scarcity mentality, end-of-world panic, convenience of proximity, or anything else that would surely be a terrible reason to date someone, I think it would be safe to float the concept of romance and see what she thinks. I mean, truly all of this is bananas as hell and I would give anything for an update, please.

Q4:

Help! My roommate essentially moved their partner into our apartment during this global pandemic, without talking to me first. The partner has been here so long now that we’re actually in violation of our lease (we’re not allowed to have guests longer than 5 nights without written consent from the landlord). Our apartment is only about 900 sq ft, and they’ve comandeered the kitchen and living room for the past 5 days. They leave dirty dishes, food, and garbage all over the surfaces. They’re not taking social distancing as seriously as I am, and they are not helping with cleaning or disinfecting. I’m feeling like a couple’s live-in housekeeper in my own home, and I spent the past 5 days locked in my bedroom because it’s uncomfortable to be in the “common” areas while they play house. On top of all of that, we are flying through (our reasonable supply of) toilet paper (… for 2 people). I didn’t sign up to live with a couple. How do I address this situation with my roommate when the partner will not go home?

A:

Riese: You are 100% entitled to be pissed about this. Sit your roommate down, explain that you’re in violation of your lease and the last thing anybody wants right now is to be in violation of their lease, that there is garbage and food everywhere and you feel like a live-in housekeeper in your own home. You’re also entitled to have 50% say in social distancing policies for your apartment, not 33% say, and they are literally endangering your life. I’m assuming despite you not actually saying this that this is how the partner normally lives and they probs don’t even notice that they are doing it, and the power dynamic in their relationship is such that your roommate hasn’t said anything to them about it, or else is just generally inconsiderate and hasn’t thought about how their behavior might impact you. You can approach it gently — like “Hey, we’ve never really had to talk about this before because it hadn’t come up, but I like to live in [xxx way] and ever since your partner moved in [etc etc].” You can also gently say that you would’ve liked to have been asked about the partner moving in, as a more low-key entrance into that conversation.

Q5.

You guyyyys and otherwise identified people. In these troubled times we’re leaning on our group chats for social contact, which is fine, AND YET one of the women on my best group chat is really not pulling her weight with her life in general, and instead relies on her anxious partner and elderly parents. I try to gently and supportively suggest ways she could help her situation (really easy stuff, like getting a £15 microwave because she’s always burning herself on the hob, having energy bars in so she doesn’t have to cook something if she’s feeling faint) and I think she’s offended every time I suggest things, and the other girls on the group think I don’t understand what she’s going through. I’m really here for chosen family, but I want people to be at least taking some steps towards trying to help themselves, and I think sometimes we’re in danger of validating each other into complacency. Life is hard. It’s gonna get harder under Coronavirus lockdown. But we’ve gotta keep TRYING, you know?

A.

Laneia: Life is super hard and will for sure get harder and sometimes easier and even harder still and then joyfully hilarious and great and then hard again! You’re right about that. All the other stuff though, No. I’m sorry to say this to you because I know you have her best interests in mind, and those of her anxious partner and elderly parents, and I truly believe you’re a very good person! So is she!

If she’s not asking for advice on how to keep from burning herself on the hob or how to keep from fainting, you shouldn’t give her advice! I bet you have other genius ideas — to be honest, I am also a genius with great ideas that could solve so many people’s problems! I’m serious! — but you have to just keep them all to yourself until someone asks for them specifically. And even then, they’re under no obligation to actually do any of the things! It’s a burden to know exactly how other people could make their lives easier and then have to sit back and watch them not do any of those things, but it’s a burden you must bear.

You should assume that she’s doing her literal best right now, and operate from a space of judgment-free generosity of spirit. The only thing you can control is how you treat people and how much of your energy you put into something. Consider leaving the group chat if her depression/anxiety/failings have this much of an effect on you. You will not change this person, but you can change how you interact with her.

Rachel: I hear you, for sure, and much like Laneia feel that I know what other people should be doing to solve their problems virtually all the time, and I’m sure that your suggestions genuinely would make a big difference for her! And I agree overall that when we can, it is best to keep trying, but the truth is that what that means looks different for everyone, and also that we can’t talk anyone else into trying when it doesn’t come from a genuine place of internal motivation. The lightbulb, wanting to change, etc. The truth is that if she was in a place of actually wanting to fix these problems, she would have tried to do so by now; I think she’s in a different place, and while that’s frustrating from an external point of view, it happens. (I’m sure there have also been times in your own life, as there have been in mine, where loved ones were dying to see you make a change but it just wasn’t possible on your end yet, and when it was possible, you did it.) I think in these situations what’s most helpful for me is to find an affirming-but-not-enabling statement of support — like “I’m sorry, this sounds really frustrating for you; if it were me, I would feel really overwhelmed too” — and return to it over and over, as genuinely as possible. And when she is ready to make changes to her situation, maybe you will be the one she turns to about it.

Q6.

I want to do yoga, but I really don’t want to learn yoga from a scary stepford Lululemon clone. Are there any ways to do this while trapped at home by the plague?? Are there videos or an app that isn’t full of identicle stick-thin cis white woman teachers? Please send help.

A.

Laneia: THE UNDERBELLY YOGA !!!!!!!!! with Jessamyn Stanley, whom you should promptly follow on IG because you deserve nice things and happiness. HAVE A WONDERFUL YOGA JOURNEY LMK HOW IT GOES.

Q7.

How long into a new job (which is letting me start remotely thankfully) do I wait until I ask if I can overtone my hair? Wanna do the quarantine makeover but also want to make a good impression!

A.

Rachel: Hm I am maybe not the best person to answer this (or maybe I am???) because I would 100% just do it as soon as you want to and let them live with it. I think everyone’s brains are so fried from this and it’s such a bizarre ideal to try to keep ‘professionalism’ alive during this time that I would be really shocked and horrified if anyone thinks less of you as a co-worker for this, but also I don’t know your field! I think you can check the employee guidelines and HR guidebook and if they have really intense rules about personal presentation maybe you want to ask someone on your team that you feel closest to or have a gut feeling you can trust, what their thoughts are?

Q8.

Hi all! I need a bit of advice. Roommate/very close friend is a phenomenal person… she’s just also an incredibly loud eater. It gets louder every day. I can sometimes leave the room before she starts eating or bite my tongue until she’s done eating. She doesn’t really have many other habits that grind my gears, but quarantine makes ignoring the lip smacking noise increasingly difficult. I really don’t want to end up being annoyed with her at the end of all this just because I can hear her eating food through walls. I’m sure I’m not perfect and she’s never brought up things that bother her about me, so I guess I should just grin and bear it instead of making her self-conscious about something she does several times a day. Thoughts? Advice? Thanks for all you do!

A.

Riese: Oh man, this is tough. On the one hand, probably this annoys everybody in her life and knowing about it would therefore change her life, on the other hand, it’s a hard habit to break and you have no idea how the feedback will land! I used to date someone with misophonia, which is sort of like a very acute sensitivity towards certain noises — chewing most prominently, also forks scraping plates, breathing heavily, lip smacking – which made me very conscious of myself and aware of every noise I ever make ever which was a lot but also meant I sometimes did have to tell someone that we couldn’t eat in the same room because of her sensitivities, but more often than that, had to make up an excuse for why she had to leave the room, wasn’t eating with us, etc.; to spare people’s feelings. But also she’d often be very annoyed by friends/exes who chewed loudly but never told them directly and I wondered if that was better, or if it just meant a lot of behavior that confused her friends/exes. That’s what I’m thinking about right now w/r/ t you. I’m not sure if you’ve tried this yet but one thing that helped was always having the TV on while eating and her sitting far away from the offender. If you think you might have misophonia, I’d truly just tell her. I’ve done it and it went fine. If you think she’s just a particularly annoying chewer and you don’t have a specific sensitivity, your choices are probably to leave the room when she eats or put headphones on if you can hear it through the wall… or figure out a really gentle way to tell her that normalizes it to not inspire too much self-consciousness, like packaging it with a story about a roommate who had an issue with something you did that you hadn’t noticed. Her reaction will probably be embarrassed and defensive at first because we’re all human, and then could relax. But also, I am curious to see what other people think!

Reine #7: What Your Quarantine Cut Says About You

Happy Hour at Home: On Koselig, DIY Spa Days, and Boozy Spicy Hot Cocoa

Be our guest for Happy Hour at Home, a small series about the joys of lesbian socializing from home, because let’s be honest with ourselves — we’re going to be here for a while.

Norwegians have this word — koselig — that imperfectly translates to “cozy” in English. Cozy only begins to encapsulate what it means for something to be koselig, a word I hear often from the cousins and extended family on my mother’s side. Koselig things are cozy, yes. Cinnamon-scented candles are koselig; warm blankets are koselig; crackling fireplaces are koselig. But it’s more than a coziness. To be koselig is to be connected, grounded, immersed, lovely, intimate. Koselig is a vibe, feeling, lifestyle. It’s a way to cope with long, harsh days of winter, a way to find pockets of joy and warmth and closeness even in the dark.

Koselig is a hard thing to accomplish right now, when social life is fragmented, flattened, ephemeral. Making things koselig also feels newly urgent for me. Like. As in. If I don’t experience one drop of koselig right the fuck now, I might unravel entirely. A crumb of koselig. Please. I’m desperate for it.

A non-exhaustive list of things in my apartment right now that are indeed very koselig: string lights next to the bed, a bunny ears cactus that keeps sprouting new pads, my softball trophy from when I was in first grade, a completed Cats Of The Zodiac puzzle, fresh flowers, a pale blue Dutch oven, a full bookshelf, a rosemary plant, YES SOURDOUGH STARTER, a long-sleeved t-shirt I impulse bought on a trip to Park City last summer and is the absolute perfect level of wash-worn, a candle that smells like the beach, a little perfect dog who always finds the pooled sunspots in the morning. When I look at something here that makes me think of koselig, I try to record it in my head. I want to keep a list of the koselig things so that it can be an easier feeling to find.

My girlfriend, who I’m thankfully quarantined with, and I decided to have a spa day. We never went to the freakin spa before all of this. We’re not even necessarily Skincare Gays. This wasn’t so much an attempt to bring our outside lives inside but rather just a small way to differentiate the days. We keep grasping at ways to make days feel special or different or memorable, because it’s easy to get lost in the cloudiness of quarantine. The future is smudgy-blurred and daunting.

There are fewer things to look forward to. Every time my mother calls, she asks where we’re going to live after Vegas. We currently live here for my girlfriend’s fellowship, and were only suppose to stay until the end of May but now may have to stay in for longer. I keep telling her I don’t know. Who the hell knows where the hell they’re going to be months from now? For the foreseeable future, there’s home. There’s the indoors. There are hours and days, and I’m trying to make them ebb and flow with the same rhythms and dynamics of life before.

Let’s put it this way: I cried on Easter because I forgot about Easter. Do I actually care about Easter? No. Have I done anything special on Easter in the past few years? No! But it seemed like a missed opportunity to plan something special, to get up and make a big brunch or pull one of the nicer meats out of the freezer. But because I’d forgotten, there wasn’t time to do any of those things. I still *Dorinda Medley voice* made it nice (with a cheese plate!), but something about forgetting what day it was and also missing an opportunity to do holiday things (even on a holiday I don’t really celebrate!) made me very sad.

ANYWAY. Spa day. Robes: on. Bathtub: filled. Eye masks: applied. Feet: soaked. Spa days at home, like happy hour at home, can look like a lot of things. Maybe a spa day for you means digging out random face masks you impulse-bought at CVS months ago but forgot about. Now is absolutely the time! Listen, I managed to accidentally do a chemical peel of my feet several days ago — not even on spa day! But it turns out foot masks are divine in addition to being extremely disgusting.

Maybe a spa day for you means painting your nails or taking an afternoon nap in a sunny spot of your home or some quality time with a vibrator. If you’re quarantined with a partner: spa day massages! If you’re quarantined alone: massaging your own face is a severely underrated activity that also can help a lot with stress and anxiety (if those are feelings you happen to be feeling at the moment, no particular reason). Make it nice! Make it koselig!

One more thing that made our spa day extra koselig and warming: Boozy Spicy Hot Cocoa. Here’s a guide, including a non-alcoholic version:

Follow the instructions on your hot cocoa packets/hot cocoa mix for making one mug of cocoa. Add a dash of ground cinnamon, a dash of cayenne powder, a teaspoon of vanilla extract, and a shot of tequila. For the alcohol-free option, skip the tequila and add an orange rind when heating your water and/or milk to make the hot cocoa.

Now it’s time for the main attraction: tequila-infused whipped cream. Whip about ⅓ cup of heavy cream with an electric hand mixer or stand mixer. For faster results, pop the bowl and whisk in the freezer ahead of time so it’s nice and cold. Technically, you can whip the cream by hand (hot!) but be warned that it’s going to take a lot of work and time and you’ll definitely want to freeze the bowl and whisk first. Once the cream achieves the consistency of whipped cream — stiff peaks! — dump in another shot of tequila, some sugar, and a teaspoon of vanilla extract, and continue to mix until it’s all incorporated. Boom: infused whipped cream.

If you’re skipping the tequila, you can still make a lovely scented cream. Add finely grated orange zest to the cream or add a tablespoon of instant coffee mix. Listen, I live in the desert, where the sun is technically always shining, and I still found comfort in this winter treat, and maybe you will, too.

Songs for Your Gay Pain: A Playlist for Leaning into the Longing

As a known homosexual, my two greatest skills are yearning and making playlists. Exhibit A: In high school I made a mix CD for my crush that included “Both Hands” by Ani DiFranco, “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac and my very own cover of “Love Song” by the Cure (recorded on Garage Band using my dad’s acoustic guitar).

Yearning is a inescapable part of the queer experience, and in this cultural context, we are yearning more than ever. We’re ending long-term relationships. We’re getting back together with exes. We’re digitally U-Hauling into a shared Google Drive in the absence of queer human touch. It hurts, but with the right soundtrack, it can hurt so good.

My personal anguish is our mutual aid. I give you Songs For Gay Pain, a Spotify playlist that will help you sink into the delicious sternum-tug of longing while you’re waiting to touch a face. Enjoy the playlist in its entirety or scroll down to find specific tracks for specific flavors of longing.

The Playlist:

Tracks by Category:

When you and your sweetie are quarantined in separate homes with no idea what your relationship will look like on the other side of a global pandemic and you’re trying to make up after that fight you had on House Party

-“Only Time Will Tell” by Etta James

-“Wherever Is Your Heart” by Brandi Carlile

-“If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys

-“Tokyo Sunrise” by LP

-That one song from Portrait Of A Lady On Fire. You know the one.

When you change the Hulu password because your girlfriend broke up with you via FaceTime

-“Crying In A Bathroom Stall” by Dyke Drama

-“Heartbeats” by The Knife

-“Dancing In The Dark” (cover) by Downtown Boys

-“Dancing On My Own” by Robyn

-“I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Rait

When you’re self-quarantined and frisky and ten seconds away from asking your hot former roommate from five years ago to “grab a drink” on Zoom

-“I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston

-“Come See About Me” by The Supremes (or the Don Covay version)

-“Lovers Lane” by Hunx & His Punx

-“Bank Head” by Kelela

-“Self Control” by Laura Branigan

When you and that hot former roommate “grabbed a drink” on Zoom and you’ve never touched and it’s only been a week, but you’re dating now

-“Come To My Window” by Melissa Etheridge

-“Closer” by Tegan and Sara

-“I Know A Place” by MUNA

-“I Will” by Mitski

-“i wanna be your girlfriend” by girl in red

How to Make DIY Face Masks for Coronavirus

feature image contributed by Sam Manzella

We’re in the midst of a global pandemic. Words most of us never thought about before are suddenly crowding our brains: novel coronavirus, droplet, community spread, containment, drive-through testing, social distancing, curbside pickup, masks. Even at the best of times during a public health crisis, new information is immense and best practices can change quickly, leading to confusion and panic. In the United States, we are not exactly experiencing the best of times during a public health crisis, and finding clear, direct information about how we should be proceeding during this scary and destabilizing time has not been easy.

The latest confusing issue? Masks. For a deep dive reported piece on what’s been going on with masks, read Ed Young’s Everyone Thinks They’re Right About Masks for The Atlantic. Basically, the people of the United States were told not to wear face masks, with a clear campaign endorsed by The World Health Organization (WHO) and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) that civilians should avoid buying masks and leave them for medical professionals. But with continued community spread and the acceptance that humans with zero symptoms can carry and pass on the virus for up to 14 days, the CDC has changed its recommendation and now says everyone should wear a mask when leaving home. One major important thing to note: a mask is simply an extra defense for when you have to go outside – it should not make you feel as though you are free to stop practicing social distancing. Also, when making masks at home, not all fabrics are created equally – here are some guidelines from scientists about which fabrics work best for DIY face masks.

Hoarding medical masks is still obviously a no (you as a civilian don’t need an N95 mask and you absolutely should donate any of those you may stored in your house to hospitals where the staff on the frontlines really need them!), and in many places it’s impossible to find any kind of mask to purchase at all. Lucky for us, queers have been crafty since the dawn of time, so this should not deter us. As soon as the mask conversation shifted, no fewer than ten queers on my Instagram feed started showing off their skills by creating their own DIY face masks. I have faith in us.

Here are some of my favorite tutorials for making DIY face masks. If you’ve found other ones you like please drop the link in the comment section, and if you or another queer you love are selling handmade face masks on Etsy (or elsewhere), let us know so those of us who would rather let someone else make a mask for us can support you!

How to Make DIY Face Masks for Coronavirus

1. No-Sew T-Shirt & Bandana Mask Tutorial from the CDC

2. More No-Sew Options compiled by HuffPost

3. Easy Sew T-Shirt Mask from MasksNow.org

4. Serious Sewing Option from CraftPassion

5. Another Serious Sewing Option from MakerMask

Happy Hour at Home: Margaritas in Every Color

Be our guest for Happy Hour at Home, a small series about the joys of lesbian socializing from home, because let’s be honest with ourselves — we’re going to be here for a while.

Yes, it is totally okay if you miss the ritual of happy hour right now. For a lot of us, our days are saturated with fear and anxiety and loneliness. The seismic changes happening in a lot of people’s lives right now due to the pandemic are nuanced and plural. But there’s still absolutely space to miss the little, trivial things.

Happy hour is, after all, about more than just the drinks. It’s a way to gather with friends over food, and it’s also a way to engage with one’s neighborhood and break up the day. And you know what? You can absolutely do these things at home.

Maybe “happy hour at home” looks like just walking to your fridge and opening up a beer or two, and that is honestly fine! But if you’re looking to spice up your drinks-at-home and don’t necessarily have a lot of cocktail making experience, a great place to start is the ever-versatile, always-pretty, perfect blend of salt and acid and sweetness that is known as the margarita.

Orange, Cilantro, Jalapeño Margarita

I have been making… so many flavored margaritas. In a pinch, you can use pre-made margarita mixes, but it’s easy and cheap to make fresh fruit margaritas. And then, as a bonus, you’re also getting a serving of fruit! Look at you!

The basic ratio for my margaritas is two parts tequila, one part fresh fruit juice, half part triple sec, and a few squeezes of lime juice. But there are a bunch of alternatives and modifications you can do, especially if you’re just working with what you’ve got. So here’s a more detailed and perhaps TOO thorough breakdown of what you’ll need/what you can use:

Tequila!
Alternative: Mezcal, which will lend a smokier taste. If you want to make a mocktail version, then use a (preferably citrus-)flavored club soda/seltzer as your base. Topo Chico’s “twist of grapefruit” would be my top choice for margarita mocktails.

FRUIT!
For a straight up traditional margarita, all you need is lime juice, but if you want to get fun with the colors and flavors, that’s where these other fruits come into play. I recommend fresh citrus if you’ve got it. You can even use citrus that’s starting to go a little mushy, because guess what? The juice is probably still good! Think oranges, mandarins, blood oranges, grapefruit, pomelos, etc. You’re going to want to slice em in half and juice them. I use the juicing attachment for my stand mixer, but again, just use what you’ve got! If you don’t have a handheld juicing mechanism, then try using tongs to squeeze the halved citrus instead of doing all the work with just your hands. Remove any seeds.

No fresh citrus? No problem. While TECHNICALLY margaritas are citrus-based, you can cheat a bit with other fruits. You can use fresh pineapple chunks, but you’ll need to break them down. Put them in a bowl with a little bit of sugar and use a potato masher to mash it into a pulverized mess. Do the same thing with blueberries or strawberries. You can also peel a very ripe mango and then grate it with a cheese grater.

If you don’t have any fresh fruit at the moment, that’s understandable! Canned pineapple chunks are a great cocktail ingredient, and you don’t have to do the mashing process with the canned kind. Just leave as is (don’t drain!). You can also use a jug of premade citrus juice (I like Simply Grapefruit), but those are generally sweeter than fresh, so keep that in mind and adjust accordingly.

You can also use frozen fruit to make really easy frozen margaritas, but the ratio is a bit different than the rocks version. For a frozen fruit margarita, use about a cup of frozen fruit per margarita that you’re making. Add to a blender with tequila and a little bit of orange juice or triple sec.

Sweetener/ Spice/ Salt!
Triple sec/orange liqueurs are absolutely not necessary for making margaritas. In fact, it’s kind of just a shortcut, but I LOVE SHORTCUTS, especially at the current moment in time. The triple sec lends sweetness. If you want a super boozy and acidic margarita with just a touch of sweetness, then you can straight up just combine tequila and citrus juice, but it’s going to be a pretty intense drink. Cut it by making a simple syrup (simmering equal parts granulated sugar and water until dissolved).

Dress up your margarita with a salt rim — or my personal favorite, tajín. And if you want to make it a spicy margarita, add chopped jalapeño or a light dusting of chili powder. Chopped cilantro, lime zest, or a ginger-infused simple syrup are also things you can add.

Blood Orange Margarita

Here’s a Quick Cheat Sheet:

Classic Margarita
Two parts tequila / One part lime juice / One part simple syrup
Serve over ice

Flavored Margarita
Two parts tequila / One part fruit juice or mashed fruit / Half part orange liqueur / Squeeze of lime juice
Serve over ice

Frozen Flavored Margarita (Makes One)
One cup of frozen fruit / 1.5 shots tequila / One-third cup orange juice or orange liqueur

Margarita Mocktail
Two parts flavored seltzer / One part fruit juice or mashed fruit / Squeeze of lime juice
Serve over ice

Pineapple Cilantro Margarita

Tasting as you go is an important part of cooking, and the same goes for making drinks. The ratios I’ve outlined are what I prefer, but maybe you like your drinks boozier (add more tequila, duh) or sweeter (more simple or triple sec or splash of juice).

Invite your friends for virtual happy hour! Simulate a raucous bar environment by popping on Vanderpump Rules! Or if you want a more chill happy hour, light a coconut candle and pretend you’re drinking on the beach. If you have a space where you’re able to safely drink outside, then absolutely do that. Or throw open your windows. The best thing about happy hour at home is that you absolutely dictate the vibe.

Mango Margarita

Stay Home & Let Go of Loopholes: Community Care During Coronavirus

What is life supposed to look like right now?

It’s April 2020 and that is the question I ask myself every morning when I wake up. It’s the question beating in my brain every night when I try to go to sleep. My friends and I bat the question back and forth, coming to slightly different conclusions depending on the day. We are all asking it, tacitly and explicitly, with every choice we make. What is life supposed to look like right now? And I think, if we’re honest, what we all might really be asking is this: how can I best take care of me, take care of the people I love, and take care of my community, at this specific moment in time?

At the very root of the question lies another, more dire one: what actions can I personally take to help keep as many people as possible alive?

Because of the highly contagious nature of the novel coronavirus, every individual’s action has the capacity to greatly affect the collective. That’s why now, more than ever, we each have to examine every single choice we make with the utmost logic and care. We have to act as if every choice we individually make is one between potential life or death for many – because it is.

This is how we help. This is an act of love. This is community care.

Social Distancing, Shelter In Place, Quarantine – Whatever You Or Your State Is Calling It, Stay Away From Other People!

Part of what has made changing our behavior during this crisis so complicated is that it is very difficult to follow the news and the instructions we’re receiving can often seem contradictory or simply confusing. What experts know to be true (or false) can literally change every day, and unfortunately we can never feel certain that the people in charge are telling the truth. The other part is that unfortunately humans are selfish and social creatures, and individualism reigns supreme in the United States even amongst people who do care about the collective. It’s time to take the information we do know to be true and hold ourselves accountable to following instructions. The instructions right now? Stay home and away from other human beings you don’t live with as much as possible.

That means that regardless of where your state is up to in making laws or suggestions, you personally have the ability to save lives and help slow the spread of this virus right now. The only thing you have to do is keep yourself away from other humans. Scientists originally recommended keeping 6 feet of space between oneself and all other humans around you in order to properly practice social/physical distancing, however as the virus continues to spread some scientists have indicated that 6 feet is not good enough – one of the most recent articles I read indicated that 20 feet might be better. That means you should not go on a “social distance date” and try your best to stay 6 feet away from the other person. You should not hang out with your friends in the park at 6 feet apart. You should not hang out on your neighbor’s porch with only the screen door separating you. The recommendation to stay 6 feet away from someone else is a defense we can take on when we must go outside – to buy groceries, or to take a solo jog around the neighborhood – it is not a magical solution to the problem. It is not permission to hang out in groups. We all have to be doing the absolute most we can do to slow the spread right now, and we have to keep it up until this is over.

Risk Management: What Is Reasonable, What Is Not

We learn new data every day (and sometimes our leaders even share this data with us truthfully in real time) and what we know now is that people can have the virus without ever showing symptoms, these people are still capable and likely to spread the virus for up to 14 days, and that the virus is transmitted through droplets that occur when we cough and sneeze, yes, but also when we talk and sigh and breath and exist. We also know that the United States does not have the capacity to test people appropriately, so many of us will become infected with the virus and will never know. That means it’s possible you have the virus right now, are not showing symptoms, will never show symptoms… and could be passing the virus on to other people you interact with who could get very sick and die. That is not a hypothetical fear-mongering statement. It’s just true.

Human beings are not perfect and we will all continue to make the best choices we can regarding the risks around this virus until… well, until this is over. Most of us, even if we are not essential workers, have to be around people sometimes. Many of us have roommates, or family members we live with, or we go to the grocery store. But it’s worth knowing what the risks are, and taking our choices and the risks we are incurring (both for ourselves and for the collective) seriously every time we make them. I won’t lie to you – we don’t know definitively if it’s okay to sit on your friend’s porch, at six feet or at twenty feet, and talk to them through the screen door. We just don’t know if you will transmit the virus that way. But we do know that if you stay home… you definitely won’t transmit the virus.

The safest choice we can make is to stay home and not interact with anyone outside of our household. Through all the misinformation and changing recommendations, that remains a known truth.

Isolation Pods: Can You Form Them (Somewhat) Safely?

Something that has come up over and over when I’ve talked with friends who live alone or who do not live with their partners is the fact that this feels unfair and lonely! I live alone – I get it! Much of the guidance from experts indicates that social distancing rules do not include your family, implying that you would be living with your family. How do we manage physical distancing rules when we are single, when we live alone, or when we do not live with the people who matter most to us?

One option is to continue to live strictly exactly as you are living. If you live alone, continue to live alone. If you live with roommates, discuss how to make your house a closed space and then continue to live and interact with only each other. If one or more of your roommates is unable to stay home because they are an essential worker that means it is even more important to keep the house an otherwise closed bubble because by living together you all become highly susceptible to exposure and thus highly likely to pass on the virus whether or not you experience symptoms or even realize you are sick. In my opinion this is the safest option, and though it is absolutely taking a toll on my mental health, it is the option I am currently enacting.

The second option is to form an isolation pod. I have to emphasize that unless you are planning to literally move in with the other person in your pod, experts have cautioned against this, mostly because humans are imperfect and we all have a tendency to make mistakes without realizing it. This article from Vox features three epidemiologists answering the question about if it’s safe to form a small closed circle of single people to spend time together during this, and the answer is essentially no, it’s not possible. That said, one epidemiologist in the article said that the most successful story she had heard about this method and one that she felt more cautiously comfortable with than the others is one in which two friends in the same city isolated for 14 days in their apartments where they lived alone (so they truly saw no one else for 14 days) and then one moved in with the other, so they formed a new little unit. This is obviously not realistic for everyone, but I do think that if you are hoping to be around other people during this pandemic and you currently live alone, an option is to isolate for 14 days and then join another household. The key with isolation pods is that you are keeping a very closed loop, and you are being hyper honest about your actions.

I personally find it helpful to remember that I can be virtually social even though I live alone, and that this is not going to last forever.

This Is Not The Same For Everyone: Do Better Than Your Best But Don’t Be A Cop

Is it possible for someone struggling with suicidal ideation who lives alone to get through this without physical support? Is it fair to ask someone to shelter in place with their abuser? What about people who don’t have a home? These questions are just a few scenarios that highlight the awful reality and impossible choices many people in our community are currently navigating. I cannot begin to answer these questions but I can acknowledge that saying “staying home is the safest option” is sometimes overly simplistic and dangerous.

But these questions do not pertain to all of us. Many of us are able to stay home and feel as safe and comfortable as one can feel during a pandemic, period. That’s why we all need to be doing better than our best. Working on a community level means making choices for the good of the group. That means that those of us who are able to pick up the slack and go above and beyond when it comes to strict physical distancing rules really need to do that right now. We also need to acknowledge how harm reduction works and realize this is not a zero sum game. Even if you are required to leave your house for work during the week, you can stop seeing friends on the weekend. You can plan to go to one grocery store a week instead of three separate stores like usual. You can accept that your housemates may not want to hug and be as affectionate as usual right now. Small actions are meaningful.

My fear in writing something like this is that I do not believe in a police state and I don’t believe in policing each other. We do not know what every individual is going through and I hope it would go without saying that you should never ever call the cops on someone for not following the rules of social distancing as you perceive them. We also should not be casually policing each other. We do not know what anyone’s circumstances are at a given moment and I want to be able to trust that if someone is not staying home or not complying with the strictest version of shelter in place that they have a reason to be doing so.

And yet – even with those caveats – I do want us to hold each other and ourselves accountable.

Before now, back in the then, community care often looked like gathering, like showing up, like holding each other.

Now we are in the now.

Your life is not going to feel normal. This is not normal. This is a pandemic. This is life or death. Our only tool is physical distance. We have to use it.

Do not become socially distant. Do not emotionally isolate. Call your friends. When you do go to the grocery store, offer to pick things up for your neighbors and do a no-contact drop off. Donate to relief funds. Host your birthday party on Zoom. Check in on someone who you think might be lonely. Ask for help. After isolating for 14 days move in with a friend. Write letters, write emails, write journal entries. Put love out into the world but don’t use your body to deliver the love. Find new ways to connect.

Stay at home and stop looking for loopholes when it comes to socializing in person. Stay social, but do it from your own home. Stay inside or go for a solo walk. Stay away from other people. It’s hard and I’m sorry, but it’s literally the least we can all do. In April 2020, this is what love looks like. This is what community care looks like.

This is what life is supposed to look like right now.

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