So You Want To Go to a Holiday Party

Holigays 2022 // Header by Viv Le

Welcome back to So You Want To…the column that is 40% about fashion and 60% my flights of fancy! We’re gonna close out the year and wrap up our new romcom protagonists, all in one! Of course everyone has a holiday party to attend, because who doesn’t love a sparkly look and a little bit of romance? Everyone!

The Jet Setting Musician Who Won’t Let Anyone In

1. Leather Look Slip Dress ($23) // 2. Blue Wool Coat ($160) // 3. Sequin Blazer ($150) // 4. Boots ($250)

“This is your party, you have to go!” She was already dressed, leaning in the doorway of your closet, watching as you rummaged through piles of clothes.

“Technically it’s the label’s party, I’m just like…” you paused, frowning at a sparkling floor length dress before tossing it to the floor. “Decoration or something. The entertainment.” You had a memory of a gold blazer, something long and sparkly. That could work. Was it long enough to forgo pants entirely, really give Eric a heart attack? You started digging with renewed vigor into the furthest recesses of the walk in.

“Okay, what are we looking for?” She kicked off her heels and was looking at you with her hands on her hips expectantly. After you explained, she sighed with a mixture of exasperation and amusement. “They did offer to send over a stylist, you know. That would have been a lot easier.”

“But this is more fun, right?” You asked with a grin, hoping it came off as charming.

“Yes, digging around a closet is exactly what I wanted to do tonight, who needs a fancy party?”

“Stick with me babe, and I promise you’ll never be without closet related adventures.” Something glittered in the corner of your eye, and you hooted triumphantly, brandishing your prize. “Fifteen minutes, and we’ll be out the door, I promise.”

She rolled her eyes, but kissed you sweetly before slipping her shoes back on. “I’ve heard that before.”

“I love you, you know that, right?” Your face flushed as you realized what you’d said. That was not your plan, you had a whole thing set up for later: you were going to dedicate a song to her during the party, then slip away for some champagne and privacy and then tell her you loved her for the first time. Not half dressed in a ransacked closet. But the flush on her face and the way her eyes glowed made you think that maybe this was just right.

“I love you too,” she whispered. “Now get your ass dressed.”

The Shy Bookstore Owner Who Doesn’t Think Anyone Sees Her That Way

1. Velvet Wrap Dress ($130) // 2. Houndstooth Coat ($119) // 3. Celestial Necklace Set ($39) // 4. Gold Heel ($89)

You had always loved this time of year, so when Carmen suggested throwing a holiday party at the store, you agreed without a second thought. It was possible you had gone overboard buying an actual Christmas tree, but it was the perfect size for the corner by the window, and even Carmen admitted it was worth hauling it from the lot. It looked beautiful all lit up, even if it was half decorated.

“Have you lost your mind?” you asked in mock horror, as they lifted a giant, gold and blue bauble to add near the top of the tree. “The big ones go on the bottom, and they get smaller as they get to the top.”  You snagged the offending ornament from their hands and nestled it safely in a proper spot.

They laughed, breath warm on the back of your neck. “You have more rules about tree decorating than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“They’re not rules,” you protested. “It’s just common sense. Who wants to look at a lopsided tree?”

“Oh really? Well what about the lights? It took me hours to get those right.” They wrapped their arms around you and squeezed affectionately.

“That is,” you began, trying to sound dignified and unaffected by their closeness. “Because inner illumination is one of the most important parts of Christmas tree decor.”

“Mmm.” They hummed. “It’s a lot to learn, isn’t it?”

“You’re on your way.” You wiggled out of their grip, laughing as they pouted. “Next year, you’ll be able to do it on your own.”

“Would you two wrap up all that PDA already?” Carmen called from behind the register. “We’ve got an hour to go before people start coming, and you are taking forever with that tree.”

“Next year,” They said, handing you another box of ornaments. “It’s a date.”

The CEO Who Is Too Busy To Even Think About Dating, Are You Kidding?

1. Slouchy Velvet Pants Set ($68) // 2. Cream Blouse ($70) // 3. Metallic Heel ($115) // 4. Wool Blend Coat ($150)

It made sense that your clients wanted to celebrate a job well done when the project was finished. You assumed it was your bad luck that made them insist on hosting that celebration at the same country fairgrounds, now done up for some silly local winter festival. There was still no service, and it was so cold that drinking the mulled cider and bourbon they’d offered was the only thing that helped warm you up. At least the cows were spared this time.

That was the reason you were a little…more tipsy than was perhaps acceptable for a work event. The bourbon plus the sudden, surprising warmth of the barn when they had held dinner had you feeling a little dizzy, so you slipped outside with a bottle of sparkling water. The cold air felt wonderful, bracing, even. The dizziness started to fade, and you started to enjoy yourself, out here in the country, snow no doubt fucking up your leather boots.

“Feels nice out here, doesn’t it?”

“It does.”

You weren’t surprised that she had followed you out here. You had been avoiding her ever since that night when the deadline was breathing down your necks and the two of you had decided on a rather…unprofessional way to blow off some steam. It had been a mistake, you were sure you both knew that, so there was no real reason to discuss it. You’d done your work well and the clients were happy, and your little dalliance didn’t matter in the long run.

Even if you hadn’t you stopped thinking about it.

“So are you just going to pretend nothing happened? Is that the plan?” She asked casually, not a hint of malice or derision.

You sighed. “It was…a mistake. And unprofessional. We’re not working together anymore, we can just…go back to how we used to be.”

“Snapping at each other every time we crossed paths and pretending it isn’t because we are dying to rip each other’s clothes off?”

A hundred responses rushed to your mouth, but you were cold and still kind of drunk and saying anything reasonable felt too tiring. “I guess, yeah.”

She stepped closer, pressing you against the barn walls. The rough wood snagged on your coat, another casualty of spending far too much time outside. But all thoughts of coats and boots and weather damage flew out of your head when her eyes glittered and she swept her mouth over your jaw. “I have a much, much better idea.” She whispered.

“Still trying to one up me, even now?” You murmured, trying not to give away how fast your heart was beating.

“You know, lately, I’m finding I like collaborating.”

She kissed you before you could respond. It was probably for the best.

The Pro Soccer Player Who Is Addicted To Breaking Hearts

1. Plaid Suit ($121) // 2. Ivory Vest ($84) // 3. White Sneakers ($110) // 4. Puffer Jacket ($139)

“Wait, Hanukkah starts this Sunday!” You said, raising your phone. “We’ve gotta do something to celebrate!” You thought for a moment. “Latkes? They’re a thing, right?”

They laughed from their spot on the couch, feet pressing into the side of your thigh. “Yes, latkes are a thing. But I told you, Hanukkah is not as big of a deal as Christmas is, they just share a season.”

“I know, but still, we should like, get festive! Spin a dreidel? Light a candle?” You were just grasping at straws now.

“The fun goes out of a dreidel pretty fast after the age of like, six.” They said. “And it’s not like I’m super religious or anything anyway.”

“You’re coming to my parents Christmas party tonight, I don’t want you to feel like I’m ignoring your culture,” you said.

“And you are very sweet to worry about that.” They got up and stretched, grinning down at you. “But I have lived through many Christmas parties, I think I can manage another one.” They swatted your leg. “We gotta start getting ready— I want to pick up some wine for your parents on the way.”

“They are going to love you more than me,” you muttered.

“Of course they are, I am very charming.”  They raised an eyebrow when you snorted. “What! I am!”

You tugged them onto your lap, ignoring their protestations. “We can be late, they’re my parents.”

“This is my big meet the parents’ debut, I can’t be late for that!”

“Only if we can make latkes on Sunday.” You pouted, just enough to soften them.

You felt more than saw them roll their eyes. “You aren’t going to let this go, are you? Yes, we can make latkes on Sunday.” They laughed as you cheered, tangling their fingers in your shaggy, off season hair. “We can even light some candles, I’ve got a menorah around here somewhere.”

“Hell yes, now we’re talking.” You dropped a kiss on their head before letting them go. “Now let’s get ready for a party.”

So You Want To Dress Like Tár

Welcome back to So You Want To…the fashion column that is less about lewks per se and more about what vibes are out there in the world for you to capture. This month, the honor has to go to the woman who is on everyone’s mind, the nightmare herself, Lydia Tár!

Whether you love her or hate her — and you should hate her — Tár’s impeccable wardrobe is probably the only unqualified good thing about her. While much of it is well out of the realm of financial possibility for mere mortals like us, we can strive to at least imitate her elegant and unfussy wardrobe. Let’s get into it!

Shirts

1. Turtleneck ($22) // 2. Oxford ($25) // 3. Cashmere V-Neck ($50)

The three building blocks that make up any Tár outfit: A plain black turtleneck, an Oxford shirt, and a cashmere sweater. The ability to mix and match here is what is key — turtleneck under an Oxford, sweater wrapped over the shoulders like the chicest scarf you have ever seen. You will no doubt the notice the plethora of neutrals: white, gray, black, and the occasional navy. You never have to think about putting together an outfit when you wake up in the middle of the night hearing things. Of course you’ll need a light blue Oxford — how else are you going to recreate an iconic image of your mentor?

Pants

1. Tapered Pinstripe Pants ($90) // 2. High-Rise Pleated Pants ($71) // 3. Wool-Blend Wide-Leg Pants ($100)

Your pants will be highwaisted — this is simply non-negotiable! They will fit loosely, but they will not drown you. Most of them will have pleats. Look, I don’t make the rules! You will also want to do your best to ensure they are cotton or wool, they will never be satin or silk, they are not for fun, do you understand? They are to intimidate the orchestra and anyone else in your life you have deemed below you. Which, to be clear, is most people.

Coats

1. Gray Double-Breasted Coat ($167) // 2. Brown Plaid Double-Breasted Coat ($398) // 3. Wool-Cashmere Coat ($300)

Once upon a time, you put on a coat to stay warm. Now? Now your coats are armor. Coats are for swanning about the streets of Berlin like a bat. They are long, they are heavy, they are dramatic. You may own one that deviates from your grey/navy/black color palate, but just one, and it better be another neutral.

Accessories

1. Loafer ($58) // 2. Rangers Hat ($34) // 3. Watch ($33)

You will need shoes and they should be loafers. Ideally ones with a lug sole— better for traction in abandoned buildings and if you have to navigate any tricky stairs. You will be allowed a single item of novelty, perhaps you would like a semi ironic baseball hat that is more autobiographical than it seems? Get a watch, wear it on the inside of your wrist only. Time is the thing, after all.

So You Want To Have Some Fall Whimsy

Welcome back to So You Want To…the fashion column that is less about lewks per se and more about what I specifically need to shop for in a given moment or, like today, what vibes to capture. It’s a brisk October day as I write this, leaves changing, a chill in the air, that overcast light that is simply the best for capturing photos and you know where this is going right? That’s right, it’s time to bring back our romance novel slash Hallmark movie protagonists for some whimsical fall adventures!

The Jet Setting Musician Who Won’t Let Anyone In

1. Printed Maxi Coat ($179) // 2. Turtleneck Dress ($60) // 3. Chunky Boots in Cream ($168) // 4. Bucket Hat ($18)

You were trying to pretend you weren’t nervous as her car rounded the final bend, displaying an unfairly stunning fall vista. It was less about being recognized — though, that always lingered in the back of your mind — and more about the three thousand things you had to do before leaving for tour next week. A voice that sounded much more like your manager’s than your own kept whispering that you should be in the studio, you should be rehearsing, you should be making sure you had memorized the pronunciations of all fourteen cities you’d be in over the next six months. Picking a pumpkin and eating apple cider donuts with your…whatever she was (another conversation you should stop putting off) barely ranked on your to-do list.

“It’s amazing how loud you think,” she says cheerily, swinging into a parking space at the far end of the roadside farm stand. “It would be impressive, if the point of today wasn’t giving you a second to get out of your head.” She cuts the ignition and turns to look at you, the quirk of her lips letting you know she’s not actually mad.

“I’m sorry,” you said sheepishly, tugging your bucket hat over your wind tousled hair. “I’m excited, really, I am.” You tried not to wince at your definitely-not-excited-tone.

She laughed and leaned over to kiss you gently, not minding that the brim of your stupid hat was in her face. “You are a miserable liar. Just…take a breath, okay? No matter what Erik says, you are ready for this tour and you deserve a tiny, apple filled break, okay?”

When she kisses you again, you actually let yourself relax into it. She still overwhelms you, entirely without meaning it. Her eyes are glittering when you pull back.

“Let’s do this,” You say, and you mean it this time. “Cider donuts, here we come.”

The Shy Bookstore Owner Who Doesn’t Think Anyone Sees Her That Way

1. Vegan Leather Motojacket ($120) // 2. Cardigan Sweater Dress ($100) // 3. Lace-Up Boots ($235) // 4. Saddlebag ($158)

After an unprecedented amount of cajoling, you had finally given in and let them plan a day-long date for the two of you — on a Saturday no less. Carmen insisted that the store would be fine without you for a day (“Babe, we sell books, not fireworks. It’s not that deep.”) and now the two of you were debating what your next stop should be.

“I’d love to check out the—”

“—Bookstore, I know,” they finished, laughing a little. “Imagine my surprise.” They were lounging casually against the rough brick wall of the little antiques store, a strong arm wrapped around your waist, keeping you out of the way of the busy foot traffic.

“Am I really so predictable?” You ask, looking up them. Their eyes were a brilliant, rich brown in this light. It was honestly a little distracting, their whole deal — leaning against the dumb brick wall like an off duty model. For the thousandth time, you wondered what on earth they were doing with you.

“In the best way,” they grinned, pulling you a little closer. “Plus, I’m making you go on a hike after.”

You snorted, guesting at your outfit “A hike? In this? Good luck.”

“An easy one,” they promised. “More of a…long walk than anything. But first, bookstore.” They pushed themselves off the wall and bowed with an easy grace that really should not be surprising you anymore. “Lead the way, milady.”

You rolled your eyes and hoped your blush didn’t surface. “Next you’ll be dragging me to Medieval Times.” You didn’t feel the need to share that you loved Medieval Times.

Plus, you had a sneaking suspicion they already knew.

The CEO Who Is Too Busy To Even Think About Dating, Are You Kidding?

1. Black Blazer Coat ($140) // 2. Wide Leg Trouser ($36) // 3. Heeled Boot ($198) // 4. Rib-Knit Quarter-Zip ($55)

Of all the stupid fucking things that your clients had demanded of your over the last two months, this one absolutely took the cake. Why they were involved with this county fair was beyond you — probably a tax break — but it hardly meant that your presence was necessary. It couldn’t be that they wanted you to work, how could they, when you had basically zero service? You stalked over to the edge of the fairgrounds, hoping the solid presence of the outbuilding would increase your chances of finding a single WiFi connection. The quiet lowing of…whatever animal that was apparently housed inside confirmed your fear. No WiFi, no service, just endless hours of livestock and dodging stains from children that were running far too freely with fried dough.

“No luck over here either?”

Right. She was here too, because your clients had decided they wanted both of your firms for this project. You’d done a decent job avoiding her today, but she had the uncanny ability to track you down when you were at the end of your rope. Like a bloodhound.

“No.” You bit out, dropping your phone into your pocket. You watched her warily as she leaned against the wall next to you and pulled a flask from her pocket.

“I figured. Drink? Or were you planning on getting through this sober?”

You ignored the teasing lit of her voice and took the proffered flask, relieved to find it was filled with decent bourbon. You threw back a longer sip than was perhaps polite, but these were desperate times.

“Thanks,” you said, meaning it. “I needed that.”

She nodded, looking at you carefully, like she wanted to gauge your mood. She’d been doing that a lot lately, and it was driving you up the wall.

“Would you stop looking at me like that?” You snapped. “Have I had lipstick on my teeth for the last three weeks?”

She laughed and shook her head, moved just the tiniest bit closer. That smell again, sea salt and violets. “No, your mouth is perfect.”

The Pro Soccer Player Who Is Addicted To Breaking Hearts

1. Sweater Tank ($16) // 2. Baggy Jeans ($108) // 3. Leather Converse Hightops ($85) // 4. Shearling Jacket ($120)

“Oh, we are absolutely getting on that hayride,” you crowed, grabbing their hand and tugging them through the crowd.

“Are we?” You could hear the note of disbelief in their voice and knew without looking that their nose would be slightly wrinkled in confusion.

“Are you kidding me? What did I tell you about committing to the bit? You can’t go to a pumpkin patch and not get on the hayride, it’s illegal in like, three different countries.” You bounced on the balls of your feet once you had found your place in line, smiling at the kids around you and the distant smell of wood burning and, well, everything.

“How do you do that?” They asked, looking slightly amused.

“Do what?”

“That whole…tearing through the world like a big kid thing that you do.”

You laughed, wrapping them up in your arms, lifting them easily. They pretended to hate when you did this, but you knew it was mostly for show. “It’s a gorgeous day, I’m with you, and I am about to get on a hayride. What about today doesn’t rock?”

They squirmed a little before giving up and relaxing into your arms. “Well, when you put it like that,” they said softly. “I suppose you have a point.”

“I know.” You said, kissing the tip of their nose before settling them back on the ground, delight buzzing in your fingertips. “I always do.”

So You Want To Go to a Wedding

Welcome back to So You Want To…, the column wherein I give you outfits, ideas, inspirations, etc for various moments in your life! Well, no, let me be honest, 96% of the time, this column is often inspired by events or things I have to shop and or dress for in a given month.

Which means you will likely not be shocked to hear that I am going to a wedding at the end of the month! And, look, maybe it’s just me, but shopping for weddings tends to leave me a…underwhelmed. Oh, you mean I can wear a dress if I feel like being super femme, or some sort of suit? That’s what I got? It gets a little old after a while! This time, I was determined to jazz it up, or at least bring something a little more interesting to the table. So I present to you some items that might inspire you, should you be invited to a wedding or similar dress-up event and you are sick of reaching for the same two or three things. I will say, if you are invited to say, a black tie wedding, these options might not be quite level of fancy required. But you know what else I say? Anything can be fancy if you wear it with confidence!

Throw on a Bodysuit!

1. Faux Leather Keyhole Bodysuit, Eloquii ($80) // 2. Sequin Panel Bodysuit, Nordstrom Rack ($50) // 3. Pointelle Me About It Bodysuit, Nordstrom Rack ($35) // 4. Abielle Bodysuit, Thistle and Spire ($118)

I think this is the route I will be going, some kind of slutty lace bodysuit under dress pants and big blazer. Am I already a little annoyed by the bathroom situation I am signing myself up for? Yeah, of course! But I am just vain enough to be a little irritated in a bathroom. I was also thinking about how fun it would be to witch this look up a little? Imagine a long drapey skirt paired with one of these? Or tossing a sheer cape over it a bodysuit and pants? Dramatic and elegant, yes please!

Never Underestimate The Humble Jumpsuit!

1. Beaded Sleeve Wrap Jumpsuit, Nordstrom Rack ($100) // 2. Tie Strap Wide Leg Jumpsuit, Eloquii ($120) // 3. Topshop stripe sequin jumpsuit, ASOS ($123) // 4. Floral Print Jumpsuit, Zara ($80)

When I moved away from wearing dresses to weddings, I did not pass go, I collected $100 and went right to jumpsuits. Pros: easy to pack if you are traveling, they often have pockets, and you can wear them over and over and people are always gagged. There are many options for jumpsuits, from the elegant and sedate like this yellow one from Eloquii, to the bright and demanding (perhaps for the fire signs out there) like this sequined number.

Jazz Up a Suit!

1. Printed Shirt, Zara ($50) // 2. Twisted Tailor muir shirt, ASOS ($113) // 3. Satin shirt with pussybow tie neck, ASOS ($40) // 4. Closterman Long Sleeve Button Front Woven Dress Shirt, Nordstrom Rack ($90)

Now, I don’t want to go too wild making assumptions, but I have a feeling if you are a person who is butch and or masc of center, you probably have a go-to suit for dress-up moments. And if that is the case, I can see being…a touch bored with reaching for the same thing over and over. Have you considered throwing on a jazzy dress shirt? If not, please do! Personally I am obsessed with this silk printed one from Zara — it’s giving very much dandy! Or this incredible “is it sheer or is it an optical illusion” number from ASOS.

Lean Into A Bold Pant!

1. Wide Leg Menswear Style Pants, Zara ($50) // 2. Flared Crushed Velvet Pants, Nordstrom Rack ($21) // 3. Narcisco Rodriguez Satin Effect Pants, Zara ($169) // 4. Zip Front Pant, Eloquii ($100)

Look, I know pants can be…less than inspiring sometimes. But what if instead of reaching for the same dressy pants we usually do, we leaned into something a little bolder? Perhaps a classic high waisted pair, but in a bright pink? Or a cranberry velvet? And bold doesn’t have to just mean colors, bold can mean detailing and fabric too! This gorgeous satin pair might seem sedate at first glance, but then boom! Surprise drama! And this zipper leg? Edgy biker but fancy? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

So You Want To Know the Trends for Fall

Hello and welcome back to “So You Want To…” the column where I give you lewks and suggestions for events, vibes, and sometimes even fictional romance characters! The month, I am gifting you with another trend report for fall, because if you can believe it, September is…right around the corner? I know, it’s shocking. Let’s get into the fall fashion trends for 2022.

As usual, I have bravely chosen to ignore the trends that I truly refuse to allow to return — ballet flats, I am looking at you! But we are still seeing a lot of late 90s (yay!) and early aughts (trauma!) looks, and I can only ignore so much. Let’s get into it!

Tops

1. J. Crew Tank ($24) 2. Missguided Corset Top ($52) 3. Eloquii Sheer Top ($55) 4. Madewell Oversized Dress Shirt ($88)

Perhaps because we are going truly maximalist with shoes, pants and jackets this season, tops are relatively sedate! The runways for fall collections were filled with classic black and white tanks, as well as big, oversized dress shirts. If you are looking to up the daring factor, well you are in luck, because corsets are coming back in a big way. The see through slash sheer moment that started way back in the spring is still with us, so hit em with a drama sleeve! Why not!

Pants

1. Free People Slouchy Jeans ($128) 2. Madewell Wide Leg Trouser ($98) 3. Signature 8 Cargo Pants ($78) 4. ASYOU Belted Flares ($47)

Oh, did you want some VOLUME? You are in luck, because pants simply show literally no sign of getting smaller. Many of them are…troublingly low waisted, but jeans are big, trousers are big, cargos are big and relaxed! Color-wise, you can literally never go wrong with a classic olive green. Also? Metallics are happening in a big way — silver in particular. Do those silver flares make me feel like I am about to saunter into my high school gymnasium to “Lady Marmalade”? Yes, yes they do. Thankfully, I can slide on a big pair of wide leg pleated trousers instead, like those Madewell ones!

Skirts and Dresses

1. Isla & Bird Satin Maxi Dress ($42) 2. Eloquii Leather Mini Skirt ($90) 3. Cream Midi Skirt ($75) 4. Eloquii Faux Leather Dress ($140)

Alright, the other huge moment happening right now is texture. We are living for satin and quilted items and leather and faux leather and faux fur. Hemline-wise, the options are many and varied! Fall maxis are everywhere — but not in the staid neutrals we tend to see come September, but in a ton of bright pinks. Is this the Barbie movie influence? Maybe! Leather skirts and dresses are huge right now. I looove this preppy miniskirt moment from Eloquii. How are we feeling about a midi length? Because you are gonna see a lot of knee length hemlines, and while I am not quite sold, I do like that there are so many options?

Coats and Jackets

1. Old Navy Blazer ($80) 2. Topshop Faux Leather Biker Jacket ($148) 3. Brown Quilted Jacket ($60) 4. Old Navy Trench ($85)

As an avowed coatsexual, I would be remiss to not bring you some hot coat and jacket trends. Thrilled to see my personal lord and savior — the big blazer — is here for this season. Honestly, between the big blazers and the many many quilted jackets I saw while combing through the internet, I am going on the record and saying it: This fall, Horse Girls™ are IN. Of course, the moto jacket is always gonna hit for fall, this year let yourself lean into some unexpected and luxe texture combinations. Fur and leather? Why not! And if I can get everyone on this earth to buy a classic camel trench, I will truly feel like I have made a worthy contribution to the world.

Shoes

1. Adidas Sneakers ($100) 2. Free People Loafer ($148) 3. Corral Boots ($148) 4. DV by Dolce Vita Metallic Boots ($60)

Okay, I am just gonna say it: Shoes are wild this season. I chose four of the most repeated themes I saw while scouring the big bad internet, which means I did not include the wild things we are doing with platforms, heels, and over the knee boots. (“Are you wearing the—” “Chanel boots? Yeah, I am.”)  But the big themes are: classic white sneakers, funky platform loafers, western inspired boots and yeah, MORE SILVER!

Tell me what your fall fashion vibes are, and as always, if you have an event, a look, a vibe you want to dress for, let me know!

So You Want To Go To The Beach

Hello and welcome back to “So You Want To…”the column where I give you lewks and suggestions for events, vibes, and sometimes even fictional romance characters! Usually I have some sort of bug in my bonnet, some event or style I think it would be fun to shop for, but this month, I am bringing you a selection of items ripped from the headlines of my very own life! I have been on… a lot of vacations this month, mostly the kinds that involve a beach house with a prominently placed hose to rinse your feet of sand. A brag, I know, but consider that I was laid off in May, I get to be a beach going dilettante for a bit!

One thing I have gotten down over these last few weeks is the ideal packing list for trips such as these. You know, the ones where you aren’t really doing anything, just reading a ton of romance novels between dips in the ocean and playing board games while drinking wine at night. It’s the kind of trip that I used to have trouble packing for, because I usually ended up forgetting the stuff I actually wanted. So I am bringing my hard earned knowledge to you! This will mark the first time this column is mostly comprised of things I truly own, not just me wistfully online shopping. Let’s get to it!

Travel Outfits

1. Old Navy: High-Waisted O.G. Loose Light-Wash Jeans for Women ($45) // 2. Old Navy: Long-Sleeve Cropped Jean Boyfriend Shirt ($30) // 3. Target: Neutral Botanical Print Tie-Front Jumpsuit ($40) // 4. Keds: Women’s Champion Originals ($55)

Due to my proximity to the glamorous New Jersey shore, my travel outfits have been pretty low key these last few weeks. But as I pack for my… second to last journey of the summer, one that will involve airport travel, I am leaning into my favorite travel outfit: the jumpsuit. It’s one single piece of clothing, so it requires almost no thinking, and I can toss a chambray in my bag for when I undoubtedly get cold on the plane. White Keds (with socks! I cannot abide being barefoot as I head through security!) are the prefect easy on easy off shoe. And if separates are more your thing, the incredibly classic light wash jeans and a black t-shirt is still the perfect casual but pulled together look for say, a quick weekend trip to New York to see Into The Woods.

Hang Time Outfits

1. Old Navy: Fitted Ultra-Cropped Rib-Knit Tank Top ($8) // 2. Old Navy: Pop Culture Graphic Cropped T-Shirt ($20) // 3. Aerie: OFFLINE Goals Pocket 7″ Bike Short ($26) // 4: Target: Navy, Muscle Tank Dress ($12)

So you’ve made it to the beach, you are coming back from a day of sun and sand, you take a shower (is there any better shower than the post beach shower?) and now it’s time to have dinner, drink some wine and maybe playing a rousing board game. I have been living in these Old Navy cropped tank tops and bike shorts from Aerie. The shorts have a POCKET that fits a phone! Extremely helpful! There is no better time than now for a whimsical pop culture t shirt, and I always have a super basic tank dress for the days when I am too sun drunk (and, let’s be honest, drunk drunk) to put on two pieces of clothing.

Beach Shoes

1. Teva: Original Universal Metallic Sandal ($55) // 2. Crocs: Classic Clog ($50) // 3. Adidas: Rich Mnisi Adilette Slides ($60) // 4. Birkenstock: Arizona Essentials ($50)

Since I covered swimsuits in a previous edition of this column, let’s talk shoes for the beach! Yes, you could commit to the bit and wander down the dunes in your various Docs and Converse, I have seen many a beach queer do just that this summer. But come on, who wants to get the sand out of a sneaker, and who wants to put on a Doc after a day in the sand?

My best friend swears by her Tevas, she’s got some janky former gynmast ankles and finds the sand hard to navigate without some serious support. I know Crocs are THEE shoe for many beach goers, though I tend to find them a little annoying and clunky? I was intrigued to see Addias has updated their classic slides with some fun colors! I have a bit of former swimmer truama when it comes to Adidas pool slides, I feel like I am back a meet and stressed about cutting time. For me, it’s the Birkenstock Arizona, they’re some kind of plastic, waterproof, and come in a ton of fun colors. The ideal beach shoe imo!

Essentials to Remember

1. Old Navy: High-Waisted Sunday Sleep Ultra-Soft Jogger Pajama Pants ($25) // 2. Old Navy: Long-Sleeve Vintage Cropped Hoodie ($30) // 3: Target: Floral Print Long Satin Robe ($30) // 4. Target: Satin Short Robe ($25)

Maybe I am just an airhead, but I have gone to beach so many times and just… forgotten? That it gets cold sometimes? And look, I am a huge proponent of buying a location themed sweatshirt, but sometimes I just wish I had pair of sweats and a hoodie in my bag. I corrected this oversight this year with these loose and breezy joggers and a cropped zip up hoodie from Old Navy, they are both perfect and I love them. The other thing I always wish I had? A ding dang robe! Not only is a robe helpful transitional wear from the shower, but they make pretty decent cover ups!

A Nice Dinner? Why Not!

1. Old Navy: Short-Sleeve Striped Shirt ($30) // 2. Athleta: Playa Linen Wide Crop Pant ($89) // 3. Universal Standard: Carrie High Rise Wide Leg Jeans ($128) // 4. ASOS: Linen Scoop Neck Maxi Sundress with Split in Black ($40)

There is always one night where no one feels like cooking, and it’s the perfect night to catch the sunset over the bay and chow down on a burger. The beach bar is a funny place, one where you don’t really need to get dressed up per se, but you want to feel slightly more put together. I have not bought this striped button up… yet, but it feels rather likely it will come with me to my final beach trip come August. I do have these Atheta linen pants in not one but two colors, and they are the perfect pants for a slightly dressy restaurant trip. And you are simply never going to go wrong with a black jean or a black maxi dress — you can dress them up or down, they are staples for a reason!

So You Want To Wear a Bathing Suit

Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the monthly fashion column dedicated to vibes, whims and general fun! This month, the vibe is summertime! Well, to be specific, bathing suits! It’s early June, and for those of us looking forward to the long, lazy months of summer ahead, it is absolutely time to get involved with some poolside slash oceanside slash lakeside swimming wear!

As a former swimmer (butterfly, yes, very impressive and no, I have not even attempted it in at least a decade) and human woman with no less than five ocean themed tattoos, I take bathing suits very seriously! While I do think there is a place and time for a fabulous suit that is held together with nothing more than a a few strings and a wish, I personally have no time for a suit that cannot hold up to hours of frolicking in the ocean. So behold a bunch of suits that have the structural integrity to stand up to some serious wave action and that are absolutely gonna keep you looking fresh and stylish!

One Pieces

1. Old Navy: Cutout One Piece ($40) // 2. Beefcake: The Dream Boat ($99) // 3. Aerie: Cut Out Tie Asymmetrical One Piece ($45) // 4. Modcloth: Cut Out Tie Asymmetrical ($70)

Perhaps due to my former swimmer lifestyle, it took me a minute to be able to see one piece bathing suits as anything other than utilitarian suits designed for the least amount of drag and guaranteed to leave me with a year round circle tanline on my back. But one piece swimsuits are cute as hell these days! I thought the cut out trend would move on, but it seems as though that lewk is certainly here to stay! And peep this super cute 1920s style one from Beefcake swimwear!

Bikinis

1. Modcloth: The Ali Bikini Top ($55) // 2. Athleta: Conscious Crop Bikini Top // 3. J. Crew: Active Long Line Swim Top ($75) // 4. Aerie: Crossover Triangle Bikini Top ($20)

Here’s the thing about bikinis — the mix and match possibilities are so much fun to play with! It’s quite rare that I think about them as a matching set, and instead I make sure I have a couple of neutral bottoms (tag yourself) that will go with whatever color vibe strikes my fancy that year. For those who want a more compression type top, this crop top from Athleta has great reviews for both comfort and support!

Trunks

1. Universal Standard: Sunny Swim Shorts ($64) // 2. TomboyX: Trunks – Rainbow Leopard ($25) // 3. Old Navy: Printed Swim Trunks ($22) // 4. Outplay: Choroni Boardshorts ($41)

Who would the dyke population be without the chance to rock a bikini top with a banging pair of trunks? Confession, I fully believe that all swim trunks should be like, just a bit short of garish. Sure, you can get a basic black or navy, but these are for summer fun! Let your freak flag fly! Look at these almost scary octopus ones, they simply whip and I won’t hear another word on the subject!

Cover-Ups

1. Bsubseach: Chiffon Beach Bikini Cover Up ($25) // 2. Aerie: Long Sleeve Dad Shirt ($31) // 3. Old Navy: Oversized Raw-Hem Pullover Hoodie ($40) // 4. Aerie: Midi Slip Cover Up ($50)

It wouldn’t be a bathing suit round up without a dedicated cover-up moment! You need something to toss on for a quick saunter to the beach bar, or something to keep you from getting too chilled as the sun starts to set! I am always on the look out for ones that have pockets, because there is something so perfectly summery about handing a teen at the poolside snack shack a damp ten for some chicken fingers. And can you ever go wrong with a a raw hemmed summer hoodie? I submit that you cannot!

So You Want To Dress Like You’re in “The Birdcage”

Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the monthly fashion column dedicated to vibes, whims and general fun. I think? I hope! Every month I cast about in the recesses of my mind to bring you inspiration and frankly, I have outdone myself this time!

This month, we’re taking a trip to South Beach and getting into the iconic summer styles of The Birdcage! Is it a perfect film? Well, no, nothing is, and someone should have yelled at Val for the actual hell he puts his Dads through (and on such short notice, like my dude, maybe introduce your girlfriend to your Dads before you drag her bonkers conservative family to South Beach???) but it is pretty close! Robin Williams exasperated, limp wrist performance is possibly the first time I saw myself represented on screen, and simply every single choice made by Nathan Lane is perfect. And I get to see my absolute girls Christine Baranski and Dianne Wiest? Some things are classics for a reason!

And the fashions! The neon, the billowy linens, the rings and gaudy necklaces! It is very much in step with the trends of the moment — bright and bold and maximalist and just plain old fun! Let’s dive in, shall we?

Armand

Shoes: Naturalizer Demur-Bit in white ($100)
Necklace: Chunky Gold Chain Choker ($26)
Pants: Pleated Wide Leg Trouser ($90)
Shirt: Sunrise Floral Button-Up Top ($89)

For me, Armand is number one with a bullet when it comes to summer fashion inspiration. Every year around this time, I wake up and think “well I simply need the thickest gold chain imaginable and a pair of loafers!” I’m talking wildly printed button downs over tank tops, loose linen and more gold than a Mafia housewife would know what to do with. Let’s face it, Armand is Daddy, and who doesn’t want to bring a little of that energy with them??

Albert

Ring: Statement Chunky Ring ($55)
Shoes: Dansko Sandals in yellow ($120)
Pants: Wide Cut Jersey Pants ($18)
Cardigan: Shaker-Stitch Open-Front Sweater ($45)

What is so inspirational about Albert is his effortless combination of South Beach summer style with just a touch of WASPy drama for fun. The cardigan dramatically draped over the shoulders paired with the gold lame hat and the bright yellow sandal? It’s giving “Yes I missed the last PTA meeting but we all know I’m still in charge” and frankly? He’s right and he should say it! Instead of Armand’s more sedate linens, we’re going for a softer, more femme pant, topped off with bright and bold rings and of course, a beachy cardigan!

Katherine

Shoes: Strappy Heels in metallic gold ($80)
Scarf: Silk Scarf ($14)
Skirt: Mini Skirt ($28)
Necklace: Pearl Necklace ($18)

Hi, sorry, Mommi? Everything about Katherine is prime Mommi content, from the miniskirt to the pearls to the fact that she is “between husbands”?? I don’t know a better woman! Why not treat yourself to a silk scarf for jaunts to pretend to be married to the man with whom you had a child? While you are at it, why not throw on these incredible gold heels and this banging leather and pearl necklace? Unfortunately I cannot give any of us of the legs of a 44 year old Christine Barasnki, but honestly, it is enough to just see ’em.

Agador

Earring: Star Ear Cuff ($10)
Shirt: Sounds Gay I’m In Crop Top ($29)
Shorts: High Waisted Slouchy Distressed Jean Shorts ($20)
Pants: Wide Leg Pants with Belt ($93)

Agador, THEE GAWD. Slutty, helpful, unable to wear shoes. A perfect person, and truly perfect summer inspo for those of us who simply want to toss on a crop top and pair of cut off shorts and dance. Thankfully, his penchant for a baggy, wide leg cargo pant is deeply on trend right now, so grab yourself a pair of those too! And might I suggest adding a dangly earring for an extra bit of sparkle? You are thisclose to booking your big night on stage, I promise!

So You Want Some New Jewelry

Welcome back to So You Want To…a column dedicated to, hm, well I suppose whatever I decide it is! But mostly it is a column dedicated to vibes and fashion: specific events and feelings and whims. This month my whim is…jewelry! I’ve never been a big jewelry person, I am the kind of person who has worn the same ring on my right hand since my parents gave it to me when I was eighteen and I literally have not taken it off since. But something about the coming spring and wanting to feel a little more…exciting? When I do deign to put on real clothes and venture out of my house has made me wonder if jazzing up (“jazzing up” ??? Who says that???) outfits with some bling might make me feel a bit more fun? Or like myself? Or like whoever I want to be right now? Some combination of all of the above, I think. So I browsed, took note of the trends out there right now, and I am here to present you a spring jewelry guide with some fun baubles that might shake things up for you too!

Necklaces

Layered O Ring Chain Choker Necklace: Etsy ($23) // Raw Crystal Necklace: Etsy ($13+) // SVNX dangling chains silver necklace: ASOS ($13) // Gemstone Black Leather Choker: Etsy ($24)

Okay, so I don’t know that I personally am gonna go like, full on body chain slash collar, but! It IS fun and bold, and wow body chains are having a MOMENT right now! Maybe I am not so brave to wear one fully chest first but…I don’t know, summer is around the corner! I’m always gonna be a sucker for a wire wrapped witchy stone moment, and big, natural gems and stones are very much in the air and on the runways. I would absolutely toss this one over a sleeveless turtleneck. And if you are not fully scarred by the late 90s and early aughts, get yourself a fun choker! I like the simplicity of this gold V, and I have been deeply into a necklace that evokes a collar lately?? Blame my recent watch of The Expanse for that, I guess.

Bracelets

Pink Enamel Flower and Brass Tone Hinged Bangle: Etsy ($38) // Cuff Bracelet: Etsy ($13) // MOSS AGATE Gemstone Cuff: Etsy ($27) // & Other Stories bangle in gold: ASOS ($40)

Well is it cuffing season in these streets or what! Sorry, that was a terrible pun, but wow cuffs are the bracelet du jour right now! And not just simple, delicate cuffs, though I will always have an affinity for those, but big, statement cuffs that are all drama and frankly a ton of fun. There is also a ton of bright, fun enamel happening, which is kind of evocative being kid while still managing to feel like an adult? I’m into it!

Earrings

Snake ear cuff: Etsy ($15+) // Cat on the Moon Earrings: Etsy ($6) // “Francesca” Teardrop Earring: Koko Capri ($58) // Dumb B*tch Juice Earrings: Etsy ($23)

My ears have not been pierced for many years, due to one hole closing and me being like…eh, who really cares? I have so much hair that I don’t find that I miss the chance to adorn myself with an earring. That being said…ear cuffs? Very into that. Again, seeing a ton of bright and fun enamel here, like this little CAT on a MOON? For a slightly more refined vibe, these sea glass-esque statement earrings really speak to me. Frankly I laughed so hard the dumb bitch juice ones that I truly did consider getting my ears re-pierced.

Rings

Plastic ring with butterflies in blue: ASOS ($5) // Desert Signet Ring: Madewell ($98) // Emerald Cocktail Ring: Etsy ($98) // Initial Birthstone Ring: Etsy ($17)

Whew, I love a good ring! Whenever I feel like I want new jewelry, rings are always where I start. I am not fully sold on this butterfly enamel one, but when I tell you the 2000s are back, I am not kidding! Butterflies are everywhere, and this version is the one I could actually see myself rocking, maybe a bit tongue in cheek, but rocking! This huge, dramatic signet ring is truly the dandy from a noble house in a fantasy novel that I want to be. Or maybe I want to be the witch who has this lightly sinister connected ring moment? Like, just look at that and tell me it doesn’t have power! And look, I will always be the mom friend who likes a minimalist ring, and I love the birthstone/initial combination here.

So You Want To Know The Trends for Spring

Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the series wherein I give you outfits and *~*lewks~*~ for things like: time of year, a random event, a vibe, an energy! This month, we’re talking queer spring fashion trends.

Every now and then I like to take a moment to reflect on the styles and trends we’ll be inundated with for the next few months, because as much as I love making this column a place where I pretend I am a romance novelist, I also feel it is my duty to give you fine readers some actual insight into the wild and wondrous world of fashion.

The following trends are the the themes I keep seeing everywhere, but they are by no means all of the trends you can expect to see this season. I hate to say it, but the low rise trend is still upon us! The runways were simply packed with low rise jeans and skirts, so if you are a much (much) braver soul than I, lean the hell in! The early aughts revival is going strong, so prepare to relive your days of middle school via a ton of sparkles, butterflies and the like. Also, I am still seeing a lot of preppy, almost 90s adjacent styles— rugby sweaters and tennis skirts with big chunky platforms boots and distressed leather jackets. Honestly, the big take away from this season is that is fun. Celebratory, even! We’re all bursting out of our little chrysalis’ and leaning into some maximalism. And, as ever, this column is not about telling you what to wear! If none of these trends speak to you, that is fine! This is just some prep work as we head into the warmer months, letting you know what you’ll see online and in stores, so you aren’t totally baffled by the seasons offerings. Fashion is deeply personal, take what works for you, toss the rest! Mostly, just have fun? That’s what my passion for clothes comes down to in the end: Having fun and expressing myself in a way that feels good to me. Now, to the trends!

Boho Prints and Bold Florals

L.E. Carmen Boilersuit: Lucy and Yak ($104) // Curve mini shirt dress in ditsy print: ASOS ($20) // Plus x Jac Jossa set wide leg pants in multi floral print: ASOS ($48) // Floral knit sweater: ASOS ($45)

Good news team! We’re going bold and bright this spring and summer! The 70s boho dresses and prints are here to stay, and while sometimes they can get a little too peasant girl on the farm for me, we’re keeping it interesting by playing with proportion and length. Think wide legged pants and oversized sweaters, like the ones above. And I cannot express how many miniskirts and mini dresses I came upon while researching for this, so get ready to lean into some sweet, lightly slutty hemlines! I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t include a jumpsuit, and this Lucy and Yak one has been taking over on the hip spring loving queers I know.

Bright Colors

Open front blazer dress: Eloquii ($150) // Twist front mesh top: Eloquii ($75) // Oversized shirt with wide cuff detail in bright orange: ASOS ($40) // Jersey oversized color blocked blazer in pink and orange: ASOS ($50)

I know, “colors” seems a little obvious for a trend report. But we are not talking about colors writ large, no, we are talking nigh-on garish, highlighter bright colors for this season. Pink, green and yellow were the heavy hitters, and while I can’t see myself rocking like, a fully neon green look like the one above, I can see mixing some of these pieces with darker colors to make a splash this spring.

Lace and Mesh

Lace top: Eloquii ($100) // Mesh shirt in black: ASOS ($32) // Relaxed white T-shirt in all over laddered mesh: ASOS ($30) // Relaxed deep revere shirt in floral mesh: ASOS ($35)

Lovers of lace, mesh and cut-outs rejoice, for it is your time to shine! The runways were simply going off with see through fabrics and frankly, more cut-out dresses and pants than I have seen in a long, long while. This kind of vibe is usually not my style, but maybe I am feeling that spring energy, because I can kind of see tossing a white mesh shirt over a cute bra and a pair of leggings and really living out loud??

Knits and Textures

Pull-on balloon pants in colorblock: Madewell ($78) // Vintage knitted cardigan in multi: ASOS ($75) // Relaxed instarsia sweater: Eloquii ($80) // Relaxed sweater vest in celestial knit: ASOS ($45)

Continuing the good news for the tactile among us, knits and textures are having quite the moment! From the blousey, neutral homespun energy of those Madewell pants to the oversized, cool grandpa energy of that cardigan, this season is a great time to lean into some fun knits. Oh, and the sweater vests, we are IN the space for some ding dang sweater vests and yes, we are wearing them sans a layer underneath. Honestly? I am into it!

So You Want To Have a Meet Cute

Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the series wherein I give you outfits and *~*lewks~*~ for things like: time of year, a random event, a vibe, an energy!

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I have more mini fiction romances for you! These are not the main characters you have come to know and love over the last year, but a new crop of 2022 protagonists, because honestly, I wrapped up our old friends so well, I didn’t want to disrupt their lives! And honestly, as a famously single person, writing about couples on Valentine’s Day….I’ma pass. Let’s get into some meet cutes, some cute meets, and of course, some fashion!

The Jet Setting Musician Who Won’t Let Anyone In

Left to Right: knitted craft stripe sweater in multi: ASOS ($67) // Curve super skinny sculpt leather look pant in black: ASOS ($36) // Vinyl Trench Coat: Nordstrom ($160) // 1460 Rainbow Ray Suede Lace Up Boots: Dr. Martens ($150)

It was just two days, that’s what you had told your manager. After a whirlwind tour and three awards shows, you just needed two days to yourself, to do some writing and catch your breath. No big deal. Totally reasonable. Erik relented in the end, like you knew he would, and even though he was pissed that you were passing on the Interview Magazine piece, keeping you happy was better for him in the long run. His bank account too.
Your insistence on driving to your Palm Springs house alone was, in retrospect, perhaps not the smartest choice you’d ever made. You’d had fantasies of wind in your hair and beaming sunshine, but as luck would have it, the skies opened up the second you pulled onto the 10. You white knuckled it for a bit, then heaved a sigh. There was a rest area just ahead, you hadn’t driven in a while, and you couldn’t exactly argue to Erik that this two day break was therapeutic if you ended up in the hospital.

The tension in your shoulders eased as you parked, and you waited for a break in the rain as long as your bladder could stand. When it came down to it, you’d rather risk getting wet than reliving the before days — rattling around in a van with a bunch of un-showered musicians and peeing in bottles. Ducking your head, you leapt out of the car and ran like a madwoman for the bathroom.

You didn’t notice you’d forgotten your usual disguise — hair up, sunglasses on — until you slammed into someone and watched her eyes light with recognition. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” She asked, flashing a smile.

The panic in your eyes must have given you away, she lowered her voice. “Sorry, that was dumb, I just — this like, never happens to me, but I won’t bug you, I promise.” The dimple on her cheek grew deeper.

You ignored the little hum of attraction at the base of your neck and smiled back.

“I owe you one.”

The Shy Bookstore Owner Who Doesn’t Think Anyone Sees Her That Way

Left to right: Plaid Oversize Coat: Nordstrom ($130) // Plaid Pleated Corduroy Wide Leg Pants: Nordstrom ($118) // Norene Puff Sleeve Sweater: Nordstrom ($45) // Winona penny loafers: J.Crew ($178)

“I am not too picky,” you huffed, swiping past yet another person. “I just know what I like.”

“Did you know that only picky people ever bother to say that they aren’t picky?” Carmen rolled her eyes and snatched your phone out of your hands. “Let me do this for a bit, I’m very good at swiping for my friends.”

“We are not friends, I am your boss.” You tried to mean it, but Carmen was laughing before you’d even finished talking.

“Oh, that’s sad. Just so deeply sad. Lying to yourself like that. No wonder you can’t get a date.” They scrunched their noise as they examined your phone. “Mmm, no…no…oh god, absolutely not.”

“See! It’s not me! I am not the problem!” You sighed as you slumped against the counter. “Plus, it’s not like my life is empty, I’ve got the store, and my nieces, you and Jordan. I don’t need to complicate all that with dating.”

“Friends now, are we?” Carmen shook her head and handed your phone back. “Okay, I concur that the apps might be a little bleak, but I am not giving up hope. I am going to get started on the set up for the author talk tonight, and you…just try to look approachable. You never know who might come in!”

“You are a wonderful friend and employee,” you called after their retreating back. “But I’m not going on any dates anytime soon!”

The store door creaked open, and you turned around, preparing a cheery greeting that died in your throat when you saw them. Tall, with even white teeth that flashed as they smiled at you, locs grazing broad shoulders. Strong hands. This was not someone you would swipe past.

Goddammit.

The CEO Who Is Too Busy To Even Think About Dating, Are You Kidding?

Left to Right: Buttoned Satin Dress: J.Brooks ($40) // Margot velvet blazer: rag & bone ($353) // Leather Block Heel Ankle Boot: Nordstrom Rack ($120) // Knotted Tote Bag: Madewell ($168)

All things considered, you had handled the news very well. Yes, it was a surprise that your longtime clients had been thinking about “changing directions” and wanted to bring another firm in to compete for an offer on this project, and yes, you had enjoyed a brief, vivid fantasy of very physically wiping the smug grin from the president of the board’s face, but truly, you’d handled it like a pro.

It wasn’t until you’d stopped in the restroom and saw her that you even came close to losing control. Because of course the other firm they’d brought in was hers. She’d been the thorn in your side since grad school, the two of you vying for the top spot in class, internships and job offers. Had you known the new leadership team was thinking about making a change, you’d have prepared yourself for seeing her. But they hadn’t, so when she looked up from the sink, met your eye and smirked, your jaw clenched and your fists balled involuntarily at your sides. The insult of having to compete for a client you’d had for years, against her.

She chuckled as she dried her hands, drawing out the moment, clearly delighting in it. “Well,” she said, tossing her heavy, jet black hair over her shoulder. “I imagine this must be quite the blow to your sizable ego.” She’d had a perfect grey streak at her temple since grad school, it gleamed as it caught the light.

You grinned in response — though in all honesty it was more like baring your teeth. “My ego is always up for a little competition. Isn’t yours?”

Another chuckle, before she leaned in to touch up her lipstick. “I think you know it is.” Satisfied with her appearance, she ducked her head as she whipped past you. “May the best woman win.” A final smirk and she was gone, just a hint of her perfume remaining. It smelled both floral and salty, like the gardens of a house by sea.

Not that you’d noticed. Or cared about anything other than getting this bid. Because that was the only thing that mattered, not her perfume or her hair or her smirk. Just the job.

Just winning.

The Pro Soccer Player Who Is Addicted To Breaking Hearts

Left to Right: 4505 layers cotton bralette with wide elastic: ASOS ($18) // Light N Fluffy Waffle Knit Jogger: Universal Standard ($88) // Oversized Raglan Sweatshirt in Colorblock: Madewell ($85) // nylon and sherpa mixed jacket in cream: ASOS ($37)

You usually didn’t spend a lot of time in bars. Your training schedule was too demanding, and nothing looked less appealing than a soccer field after one too many tequila sodas. But you had no plans tonight, none of your usual dates were around, and you felt too keyed up to sit around your apartment and watch TV.
At first you thought you’d just take a walk, but the little bar around the corner looked inviting, and maybe a drink would take this edge off, and you’d be able to get home and get to sleep. It wasn’t packed, just busy, but you managed to snag a stool at the far corner of the long bar, tucked up against the wall.

After sitting for about five minutes, you realized this wasn’t regular busy, but the harried kind of busy that felt like they were understaffed. You’d done the service industry thing in college, and you weren’t in a rush, so you slunk down against the wall and opened a dating app at random, swiping right without paying too much attention.

“Sorry about the wait, what can I get ya?” A cheerful but tired voice startled you out of your swiping fugue state. You looked across the bar into smoky gray eyes, wisps of curls trying to escape a hastily thrown together bun, and smiled. Well hello there.

“No worries,” you said easily. “Seems like y’all are a bit short staffed tonight.”

“Nothing I can’t handle.” They shot back, a little cocky. Hot.

“Well, if you’re sure you don’t need another set of hands back there…” you trailed off, letting the implication linger.

The tips of their ears went red. “We’re just fine, what can I get you?” There was the sound of shattering down the narrow hall that you guessed went to the kitchen, rapidly followed by swearing. They tensed and started drumming their fingers on the bar, clearly itching to see what happened.

“Offer still stands,” you said. “I was a bartender for six years, it doesn’t go away.”

They bit their lip as the swearing increased. Possibly a full blown fight now. “Just — just for a second, so I can see what’s going on?”

You were up and sliding behind the bar by the time they finished talking. “I got it. I promise,” you said, nodding to the guy in front of you who motioned for an IPA draft. It was neat and orderly back here, it wasn’t hard to find a glass and pull the beer.

“Okay, I — I’ll be back in a second. Thank you.” They darted into the hall without sparing you a backwards glance.

This was probably crazy, but you’d done crazier things for cute people before, and honestly, this was a better way of getting out those weird jitters than getting drunk and texting someone you’d regret in the morning. Much less predictable. Someone waved at the other end of the bar and you went to work, still thinking about those smoky eyes and the way their neck flushed when you stood near them.

No, tonight was not predictable at all.

So You Want To Buy A Coat

Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the series wherein I give you outfits and *~*lewks~*~ for things like: time of year, a random event, a vibe, an energy!

This month, we are diving into my personal favorite item of clothing: COATS! It’s mid-November, and where I am on the east coast, that means it is time to swan about dramatically in various kind of outerwear! Much like our fall column, I am aware that not everywhere on this glorious earth requires a jacket, but as a person who just visited Miami where it is famously warm, they really do be cranking that air conditioning! A jacket would not be amiss in such a climate!

And because it is not super thrilling to jabber about coats and say “this…is another coat I like” over and over, I have brought back the main characters! Mostly because I realized they were all left up in the air, and as the year winds down, why not make sure they are off to a romance approved happily ever after?

Trend notes: You simply cannot turn your (virtual) head without running into: teddy jackets, Sherpa coats, and just much plaid. Consider those the big outwear three for the season!

Widow with a Shocking Secret

Left to Right: 1. Willow Wool Cocoon Coat Tweed, Universal Standard ($345) // 2. Westcliffe 600-Fill-Power Down Jacket, Nordstrom ($230) // 3. Plush Hour Faux Fur Jacket, Nordstrom ($149) // 4. Relaxed Robe Coat, Eloquii ($154.95)

There is a voice in your head from before. The person you used to be, who always knew when to leave, who always had a bag packed and tucked away in her closet. That version of you would have left a long time ago. Would have tucked the kids in the car during the middle of the night and vanished. You are weaker now, you think. But it’s hard to leave this place, where your kids have real friends, where the mailman fondly teases you about the amount of packages you get from Sephora.

Where she is. She was your first mistake. You suspect she knows the truth — maybe not the details, but the shape of it, the contours. She’s too close now, and you know it’s time to take some precautions.

The wind picks up and you shiver, burying your chin into the fur lined collar at your neck. It’s not smart to linger here, you need to get this done and get home. The gun is in pieces, the serial number long filed off thanks to its less than savory previous owner. You hold your breath as you toss the pieces into the river under the bridge. The rain from this afternoon has ballooned it wide and furious, each current swallows a piece of metal, until your pockets are empty. You wait a beat, then throw the gloves too. You exhale.

By the time you reach your car, you feel lighter than you have in years. She’s on your porch when you get home, and the relief in your stomach shifts to dread.

“You can tell me, you know. No matter how horrible it is. I trust you.”

You run through excuses but discard them all, sitting down heavily beside her. What comes out of your mouth surprises you. Gives you hope. “Okay. I’d like that.”

Bad Boy With A Heart of Gold

From Left to Right: 1. Topman Oversized Textured Shacket, ASOS ($70) // 2. Faux Shearling Lined Trucker Jacket, Nordstrom ($120) // 3. Bershka Oversized Denim Jacket in Black, ASOS ($76) // 4. Cozy Patterned Sherpa Quarter-Zip Sweatshirt for Men, Old Navy ($30)

Ever since that morning in the cafe, she’s wheedled her way into your life. Seamless, like she was meant to be here, in the passenger side of your clunky Jeep, singing along to the playlist she put on as you drive her home.

“Co-pilot picks the music,” she likes to say.

You try to argue that technically, it’s not co-piloting if you are driving the streets of the town you both grew up in, the town that you know like the back of your hand, she hushes you with a kiss and that infectious grin.

She knows you now, knows the whole grumpy bad boy thing was just a front, she knows that you like singing along to music when you cook, that you always cry at that one shot in Titanic when the flare crackles against the sky, the ship stark and alone against the dark water. Now she threads her fingers through yours smiles at you, turning down the music.

“So,” she starts. “I know you’re all anti-fun or whatever, but I was wondering if you’d want to come to my parents Christmas Eve Party. They love you, and my mom is dying to show us off to all of her friends.”

You know she’s expecting to roll her eyes, but instead, a slow smile spreads across your lips. You love this time of year — not the religious parts, you never really cared about that. It sounds cheesy as fuck, but the general cheerful vibe in your sleepy little town made you happier and more content than you’d ever cared to admit. You swung your truck into her driveway, then tugged her close, hands sliding under her heavy mass of curls.

“I’d fuckin’ love that, babe.”

Recently Divorced Contractor Raising Their Three Kids On Their Own

1. Archer Plaid Wool Blend Coat, Nordstrom ($550) // 2. Carharrt Work In Progress Arctic Colorblock Coat, Nordstrom ($325) // 3. Sherpa-Lined Non-Stretch Jean Jacket for Men, Old Navy ($75) // 4. Rosemount Quilted Vest, Nordstrom ($180)

You are frowning at a cabinet in the kitchen when you feel a gentle touch on your shoulder. “Don’t make that face at my cabinets.” they say, nudging you out of their way with their hip. ‘I paid a very handsome person a very handsome sum of money for those.”

You only feel a little sheepish as you step to the side, sparing one last glance at the cabinet in question. They’re right, it’s fine. It’s Thanksgiving, and the sound of your boys giggling in the living room with their daughter eases the ache in your chest that settled in when you signed your divorce papers. Now you have this, a houseful of laughing kids, the weight of someone next to you in bed every night, the smell of a feast in the air.

They turn to look at you, a stack of plates in their hands, eyebrows raised. “Were you planning on helping, or just enjoying the view?”

You step closer, set down the plates carefully on the counter, boxing them in. “Well here I was hoping I could do both.”

They halfheartedly swat at you as you wrap your arms around them. “Carrying on like this while our kids starve out there? I can’t believe you.”

“Please,” you snort, brushing your lips under their ear. “They’re watching The Lion King for the millionth time. They’re very busy.”

“Daaaaaad? Can we eat now?” Noah calls from the living room.

“You jinxed it,” They laugh, ruffling your hair.

You drop your head on their shoulder and groan good-naturedly. This is your life now, stolen moments between chores and running the kids to school. “Hands washed please, then yes, we can eat.” You call back, before lowering your voice. “You, I’ll deal with later.”

“Does this mean you’ll leave that cabinet alone?” They ask through a smirk.

“Well that depends,” you say, picking up the stack of plates. “How distracting can you be?”

Cool Girl Next Door Who Knows All The Good Parties

1. Colorblock Coat, Eloquii ($170) // 2. Faux Fur Hooded Zip Jacket, Nordstrom Rack ($60) // 3. Two-Tone Trench Coat, Nordstrom Rack ($80) // 4. Cropped Plaid Faux Shearling Jacker, Nordstrom Rack ($70)

You had vague plans to go to the farmers market, or maybe a movie, but when you woke up, warm, half on top of her, leaving her bed seemed like the silliest thing imaginable.

It was first the properly cold day of the season, so instead you slept in and had sex and dozed some more and had sex some more and now it was early afternoon. She laughed as your stomach rumbled, quiet at first, then louder, more insistent.

“I can’t believe I was just gonna let you starve, what a terrible hostess.”

You smiled down at her, wondering briefly where your phone was before deciding it didn’t matter. “I didn’t let you do anything. I was just….busy.”

She raised an eyebrow, then waggled it. “Oh, busy, were you?” she teased, crawling back up your body. She kissed you again, and you almost let yourself get lost in her, the feeling of her shoulders underneath your hands, the smell of her skin. Then your stomach rumbled again, and she pulled away, laughing.

“Message received. Time for lunch. What kind of person would let their girlfriend starve?” She joked, as she threw on a pair of sweats and a beat up sweater. “Come on, keep me company as I cook for you, it’s the least you can do.”

You followed her, tossing on whatever items you found at the foot of the bed- your beat up jeans, a sweatshirt that was probably hers. She plunked a glass of water in front of you as you settled into one of the stools by the island.

“Prepare to be dazzled,” she trumpeted, as if she didn’t know you already were.

But you were stuck on something else, something you had to say before you lost your nerve. “Girlfriend?”

She turned from where she was looking into the fridge and grinned. “I mean. Yeah? If you want?”

“I want,” you said immediately. “I definitely want.”

She laughed, and closed the fridge, walking towards you with a gleam in her eye. “Good.” she whispered, before kissing you so hard it made you dizzy. “Also, we have to order something. I have absolutely no food.”

The Mysterious Neighbor Who Is Obviously a Witch

1. Gihuo Women’s Wool Blend Hooded Cape Poncho Maxi Cloak Coat, Amazon ($70) // 2. Faux Leather Strong Shoulder Coat, Eloquii ($180) // 3. Beas Coat, Universal Standard ($248) // 4. Long Coat With Pockets, Eloquii ($165)

It was over now, though you still woke at night with screams ringing in your ears. Yes, you had won, but the price had been steeper than you could have imagined.

They all came, in the end. Your kinsmen had heard the signs, had come in droves, and you’d beat back the forces of an evil so great that your very marrow still remembered how close it had come to destroying everything.

You sighed. Sleep was far off, so you gently eased the blankets off your legs and shrugged into your robe, careful not to wake her. The sweetness of your victory had grown when she decided to stay, to make a home with you here, in your little house by the river and the mountains.

A cup of tea was what you needed, you thought, putting the kettle on. Tea with valerian root to lull you back to sleep, and a book to take your mind off the funerals you attended over the last few weeks. You settled into your favorite armchair in the living room, warmth from the tea mug seeping luxuriously through your fingers. You don’t remember falling asleep, but you must have, because the next thing you remember is the feeling of her shaking you gently awake.

“Bad dreams?” She asked, shaking her head when you nodded. “You should have woken me, I would have gotten rid of them.”

“Didn’t want to bother you,” you said through a yawn.

She clucked as she offered her hand, pulling you up and into her arms. “You can always wake me, you know that.”

The moonlight gleamed in her hair, the once dark strands now bright white. Her magic had changed that day, she was stronger than she’d been before, stronger than most of your kind. It made her more remote sometimes, like she was lost to the power that moved inside of her. But now, with you in her arms and the moonlight in her hair, she was the same witch you’d loved for years, the same witch you’d tried to stop loving but never could.

“You know, I feel much more awake now,” you whispered against her lips. “Don’t you?”

So You Want To Dress for Fall

Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the series wherein I give you outfits and *~*lewks~*~ for things like: time of year, a random event, a vibe, an energy!

This month we are diving back into regular ol fashion writing, and getting prepped for the greatest season, Fall!* While I might be adjacent to a fashion expert, I am absolutely a fall expert. I grew up in the Hudson Valley and thus I have reclaimed the right to act incredibly basic about fall, as my teenage years were spent selling pumpkins and apples to what we referred to as “the city people.” For years, I resisted the glee that driving down a mountain road on the first day the leaves change evoked, but no more! Let’s get wrapped up in a cozy sweater and munch on an apple (no Red Delicious, please) because we are talking Fall Fashion, baby!

Now, I don’t particularly believe in following trends per se — my general fashion ethos is if you know what makes you feel good, you should wear that thing. Still, I do think it’s helpful to be aware of what kind of trends are out there, if only so you are not perplexed at the offerings available to you. Plus, it can be fun to take note of a trend and mix into your wardrobe in a way that works for your style! I’ve gathered a combination of basic pieces that any fall wardrobe would need and some things that are more trend forward. As always, I encourage you to take what you like, and leave the rest! That might mean a color from one item, a print from another. At the end of the day, fashion is about what makes you feel like you!

*When I say “Fall” — I do mean East Coast Fall, I am biased and I apologize, I just have no idea how those on the West Coast do it, tbh.

Outerwear

Left to Right: Melton Bomber Jacket, BooHooman ($43.20) // Faux Leather Moto Jacket, Eloquii ($149.95) // Plaid Shacket Coat, Eloquii ($169.95) // Checkerboard Coat, Eloquii ($184.95)

As a woman who has been known to describe herself as a “coatsexual,” it was incredibly challenging for me to not select upwards of twenty coats and jackets here.

Consider, if you will, the classic varsity jacket. You can pair it with anything! You can femme it up (with say, a school girl skirt and platform boot?) or you can can butch it up (relaxed fit jeans and a white tee?), it’s casual and stylish, I love it. Next, we all know the moto jacket is never going to go out of style, not if we gays have anything to say about it. And since you likely already have a black one, why not try a faux leather in a bold color this year? Bright, saturated colors are happening in a big way right now, and this could be the perfect way to try out! Pair it with all black everything if it feels a little too bold, or toss it over the tan jumpsuit I’ve got down below.

For our next coat-testant, you might be saying “wow, plaid in the fall? How original.” And to that I say, you know, fair enough, but this classic happens every season for a reason! It’s giving academia, it’s giving English countryside, it’s giving effortless and chic. Over a cuffed jean and some Docs? Simply gorgina. Our final jacket is another opportunity to lean into one of the trends I saw all over the place researching for this, statement prints! You could even slide a bright turtleneck underneath and really go for it, if you dare. Or let the checkerboard do the talking, the choice is yours!

Pants

Left to Right: Pleated Palazzo Pant, Eloquii ($99.95) // Carrie High Rise Wide Leg Jeans, Universal Standard ($118) // High Rise Distressed Baggy Jeans, Target ($25) // Colorblock Bike Short, Eloquii ($39.95)

This season, the bottoms are going to be big and dramatic. (Same.) I would not be doing my due diligence as your gay fashion reporter if I did not report that I did notice a whisper of low rise jeans scattered about, but I was literally not strong enough to make myself include it here. I was a teenager in 2002, I cannot do it again. I hope you will forgive me

Thankfully, the shape that is really popular is an easy, relaxed fit, like the one in those incredible palazzo pants. I love a pair of pants like this because they look like you are doing a thing, but you feel like you are in sweats. Ideal! Additionally, I firmly believe everyone needs at least one dark wash and one black pair of jeans, thus I have provided you with these two options. And I had to include my personal fall staple, the bike short. I love the feint in the direction of athleticism on this pair, simply toss on an old hoodie and live out your Princess Diana fantasies!

Dresses and Jumpsuits

Left to Right: Betterterry Hoodie Sweatshirt Dress, Madewell ($98) // Wide Leg Square Neck Jumpsuit, Eloquii ($139.95) // A-Line Dress With Puff Sleeves, Eloquii ($99.95) // Kate Stretch Cotton Twill Jumpsuit, Universal Standard ($185)

Neutrals are always in for fall, and this year is no exception. Muted pinks, olive greens, rusty oranges and tans are the ones that leapt out to me as I was rounding up items for this piece. If you aren’t ready for a return to any kind of “hard clothing,” you should one hundred percent slip into this hoodie dress. Honestly, add a platform or heeled boot and blazer to this and it’s suddenly dressy in a very cool, blase way.

Now, how about some fun prints? Florals, despite what you may have heard, are not just for spring! Fold in some darker ones, like on this very hot square necked jumpsuit and let me tell you, you will be turning heads in a big way. I also noticed an uptick in stripes, especially pieces that incorporate vertical and horizontal ones, as you see on the A-line dress from above. Also, note those bell sleeves and remember wayyyy back in the month when I talked about the 70s resurgence? It is still happening!

Finally, you cannot go wrong with a neutral jumpsuit in a slightly thicker fabric for the cooler months, you can dress it up, you can dress it down, you can go everywhere or nowhere in it!

Sweaters

Left to Right: Striped Bowden Henley Sweater, Madewell *Editor’s Note — this item is no longer available, here is a similar item MWL Betterterry Henley, Madewell ($68) // Aelfric Eden Sweater, Amazon ($25.99) // Daisy Gender Inclusive Sweater Vest, Nordstrom ($45) // Renee Raglan Turtleneck, Universal Standard ($88)

Put your hands together for the glorious return of the sweater! Perhaps it is just the fact that I am deeply into dressing like a field hockey coach these days, but I am loving this preppy Dad sweater from Madewell. And speaking of Dads, one of the best and most amusing trends I clocked in my research was that so many of the sweaters had the energy of like… Neil from The Santa Claus?  See also this sweater vest that has the same energy signature? It’s very gay and I very much like it. For a must have basic, get yourself a black turtleneck, I promise you won’t regret it.

Shoes

Left to Right: DR. MARTENS 1460 Boot, Nordstrom ($150) // Emme Lace-Up Shoe, Nordstrom Rack ($39.97) // Newburg Leather Ankle Booties, Bluefly ($118.99) // Reebok Women’s Club C Sneaker, Amazon ($75)

Perhaps because we’ve got so much happening everywhere else — print and texture and fabrics, oh my — I purposefully went lowkey for the shoes. Here are some fall time classics, with a few updates. First of all, it’s fall, we’re all gay, here is a classic pair of Docs. What more is there to say? Next, a slightly dressy slide with a decent platform, because I am telling you now you will not be able to outrun the platform trend. It’s here to stay! For the Mommis out there, I am including this perfect Chelsea boot, one with a more slimmed down silhouette from the heavier styles of previous years. For a sneaker option, try a classic Reebok like this one, it’s retro, comfortable and will pair beautifully with your Princess Diana cosplay!

Until next month, my loves!!

So You Want To Go To Work

Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the series wherein I provide you with outfits and inspiration based on specific vibes, energies, and events!

One of the most popular requests I have gotten for this column is “What do I wear to work?” And I get it! You have to get dressed for work, and the kinds of clothes that are typically deemed “workplace appropriate” are absolutely racist, classist, ableist, transphobic, homophobic and sexist. Not to mention, no two workplaces are the same! Some are much more conservative than others, some pretend to be pretty chill but actually aren’t, some are actually kind of chill. Not to mention that there are a ton of people for whom “work” does not mean an office. Only you know what is accepted in your line of work, I am just your friendly neighborhood columnist! I focused on giving you staples here, pieces that can work as a base for you to layer on your own vibe, and adjust for your own work place as necessary. Because these are basic pieces, describing them… well, it was kind of boring. But I have a solution for that!

I brought our Main Characters  back for a special work themed follow up! Everyone’s a little dressier this round, and I cannot stress enough how much I encourage mixing up these items! Maybe you’re a little bit of a Bad Boy with a Heart of Gold and a little The Mysterious Neighbor Who is Obviously a Witch! Wilder things have happened! Now go forth, dress and enjoy!

Widow with a Shocking Secret

Left to Right: Britton Buckled Booties, Macy’s ($175) // Cotton Joggers, Gap ($55 on sale) // Pleated Popover Top, Gap ($49.99) // Linen-Blend V-Neck Cami Jumspsuit, Old Navy ($39.99)

The kids are back in school three days a week, and it is a lifesaver. You would do anything for them (you’d done so much already) but when the door shuts, the blissful silence that follows is like slipping into a warm bath. Two hours till you have to get on a call with your boss, and they’re all yours.

You decide to take your coffee out on the back deck. After the last year, you’ll take any chance you can get to soak up some sun. And if you happen to know that she also takes her coffee outside after the kids leave? Well. That’s barely a factor.

The sun is glimmering on the tasteful lowlights she gets on Thursday mornings while her twins are at swim practice. You pretend you don’t notice and sip your coffee, enjoying the warm air on your skin. Force of habit makes you start running through your to-do list for the day — ever since your office went remote it feels like you’re never working and always working at the same time. As if there aren’t other things you should be worrying about (like that gun under the floorboards in the attic).

Her voice startles you out of your thoughts, you realize she’s saying your name. You chuckle ruefully. “Do you ever find yourself totally zoning out?” You ask, turning to look at her. “Just…here one minute and gone the next?”

“All the time.” Her eyes track thoughtfully down your body. “Do you have time for a cup?” She gestures with her mug, as if to say that’s all, really. You don’t believe her.

“As luck would have it,” you say, meeting her curious gaze. “I do.”

Bad Boy With A Heart of Gold

Left to Right: Bistro Graphic Clog, Crocs ($49.99) // Go-Dry Cool Odor-Control Core Tank Top, Old Navy ($10) // Tapered Smart Pants in Gray Linen Stripe, ASOS ($43) // Vintage Crew-Neck Sweatshirt, Old Navy ($29.99)

The espresso machine has been displaying a “service error” warning for at least three weeks, but it’s been working fine, so you wipe it down before glancing out over the counter. This is your favorite time of day, the twenty minutes before the cafe opens, when it’s just you and whatever music you’ve decided to wake up with. This morning is Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (it’s cheesy, but it reminds you of your dad). You sing along under your breath as the grill heats up.

Think about how many times I have fallen // Spirits are using me, larger voices calling…

The hairs on the back of your neck prickle. Someone is singing along behind you. It’s her. Again. Of course. Her hair is out today, a halo of dark brown curls surround her face. She looks perfect.

You frown. “We’re not open for another fifteen minutes.” You’re aiming for stern but land closer to flustered.

Dark brown skin wrinkles over her nose as she takes a moment to think. “You should have special hours for knights in shining armor who save grumpy tough boys stranded on the side of the road.”

She doesn’t find you intimidating, you don’t know why you keep trying. You sigh. “Fine. Grill isn’t hot yet, so you’ll have to wait for food.” You turn to the espresso machine and pull a double shot, adding the tiniest bit of caramel syrup to a cup of ice, along with a good amount of oat milk.

When you set the drink in front of her, she grins; full lips stretching over even, white teeth. “You remembered my order.”

A traitorous blush starts along your cheekbones. “I guess. Force of habit — whatever.” It’s not. You have a terrible memory.

She takes a long, slow sip, still smiling. “If you say so.”

Recently Divorced Contractor Raising Their Three Kids On Their Own

Left to Right: Tapered Smart Pants in Wool Mix Check, ASOS ($50) // Jersey Harrington Jacket in Khaki, ASOS ($29) // Satin Muscle Shirt in Black Jacquard, ASOS ($37) // Men’s Earthkeeper Original 6″ Boot, Macy’s ($150)

You don’t have to go into the office that often, thank god. You have been running the firm with Jordan for years. She handles the paperwork and the office side, you’re the person on site. So when she asks you to come in every few months and remind the staff that you are actually a part of this company, you might give her a hard time, but you always come through. You’re the steady one. Dependable. Trustworthy. Not the one who kisses a client halfway through a build before your divorce papers are even finalized, that isn’t like you at all.

But you did. Then you panicked and left without saying a word, and now you’re trying to get the boys ready for school with enough time to make the all staff meeting, but you forgot to switch the laundry last night, which meant you had to get Ian dressed without his favorite shirt, a process he was none too thrilled about. You can’t stop thinking about them, about how much you want to do it again.

Luca, your oldest, notices something is up. He is just like you were at his age: focused and intense, dark brown eyes taking in everything around him.

“Dad, you’re being weird.” He says flatly. “The oatmeal doesn’t go in there.”

In your hand is a can of rolled oats you were about to put in the fridge. You chuckle to yourself and tuck them in the panty. “You are absolutely right, little man, good eye.”

“Don’t call me that,” he mutters, heaving himself off the counter stool. “I’m not little anymore.”

It feels, for second, like there is a fist around your heart. Your baby, so grown up at eleven. “I know, I’m sorry. Can you be a big man for me and help get your brothers in the car?”

He grins, and sprints upstairs, yelling for Noah and Jake.

Your phone lights up on the counter. Just reading their name makes your heart race, you hold your breath as you open the text.

“Come over. Please.”

Cool Girl Next Door Who Knows All The Good Parties

Left to Right: Vicar Combat Boot, Nordstrom ($149.90) // That’s My Type Wide Leg Pants, Nordstrom ($55) // Scoop Neck Cami in Satin, ASOS ($29) // 4th & Reckless Satin Trim Blazer, ASOS ($65.25 on sale)

The harsh light of your office is doing nothing to help your pounding headache.You know you are getting too old to go out like you did last night. And honestly, most days you prefer to be in bed before midnight.

Well, most work days, anyway.

But you are quickly discovering you are putty in her hands, and last night, when she leaned in and suggested drinks at your favorite dive, with a smirk tugging across her mouth, were you supposed to say no?

“Someone’s hurting today, huh?” Kendra leans against the wall of your cubicle and laughs, taking you in.

“I’m fine. I just… need to drink this coffee and find my will to live.” Your email pings, reminding you that you have a meeting at ten. It’s 9:52. “Preferably in the next five minutes.”

“Oh, right, you’re in the meeting today. Well, that will be fun. No better way to spend a Tuesday morning than listening to those nightmares from development tell us how to raise money.”

You let out a sigh that sounds a lot like a whimper. “I am never doing that again.”

Kendra’s laugh is too loud, you glare at her as you dig through your desk for your notebook. “Doing what again, going on an excellent date with a hot girl who likes you? Yeah, that sounds awful, definitely don’t do that again.”

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” You can’t find your favorite pen, and if Derek “borrowed” one again, you are gonna lose it. Just because you have adjoining cubes doesn’t mean he can just come in here and take them.

“So it was an excellent date.”

This earns her another glare from you, as you try to ignore the flush creeping up your chest. “I have a meeting.” Finally, you spot a pen under a stack of papers. You have got to do a better job of keeping your desk together.

“Mmmhmm.” Kendra singsongs, waving at an approaching figure down the hall. “Hey Patrick, how are you? Ready for development?”

Your boss smiles back. “As we’ll ever be, I suppose?” he directs the end of his sentence to you.

“Yep.” You chug the rest of your coffee and glower at Kendra while Patrick looks at his watch. “Let’s do this.”

The Mysterious Neighbor Who Is Obviously a Witch

Left to Right: Tresa Wide Leg Tie Pants, Universal Standard ($78 on sale) // Liquorish Tall Satin Blazer, ASOS ($44.80 on sale) // Women’s Cady Evening Booties, Macy’s ($149) // V Neck Button Front Crinkle Cami, ASOS ($23)

She manages not to say anything when you come downstairs dressed for work. She wants to, you can tell by the way her mouth quirks around her cup of coffee. She always thought it was ridiculous, you having a job.

“A witch with your skill and talent, living here, working with… them.” The revulsion in her voice made you shiver. “I’ll never understand it. You know how they would react if they found out, and still you stay?”

It was a fight you’d had countless times, it was the reason she left. She’d never intended to stay, she wasn’t meant to sit still. There was always something, the next town, the next adventure, the promise of another distant horizon. You’d never been able to explain it to her, why being here was enough for you. From the moment you arrived, you knew this was where you needed to be, in the house at the end of the lane, mountains above, river below. It was waiting for you. She didn’t understand — she wouldn’t understand, and she’d left.

You knew she’d come back, in the end.

You cross the kitchen on autopilot, drawn to the rich, fragrant coffee she’d made. The moan that escapes you after the first sip is indecent, she coughs. Suddenly the air in the kitchen feels heavy and alive.

“I won’t be back late,” you say lightly, reaching for your water bottle, needing something to do with your hands. “The term is over on Friday, the children are checked out. I just have some budgets to approve before the fiscal year closes.”

“Midsummer,” she murmurs under her breath.

“Yes, I know very well what day Friday is, thank you.” You hear how peevish you sound and wince. Old patterns, hard to forget.

“It will be then. From the mountaintop and the river, they’ll come.” Her voice is low and toneless, the lights flicker once, then twice. She speaks with the Sight, now. “Do not discount the life you’ve made here. It will save you, in the end. They will come.”

You are kneeling at her side with a glass of water, brushing her hair out of her face when she comes back. “Careful,” you murmur, watching as she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “I thought the Sight had abandoned you.”

She opens one eye slowly, squints at you. “It has never left me. It goes quiet, sometimes. But now… it is relentless. It brought me here.”

“And it has given us four days to prepare. Will it be enough?”

She laces her fingers with yours, squeezing once. Then she lets go. “It will have to be.”

So You Want to Dress Like the Main Character

Welcome back to “So You Want To….” the monthly fashion column where I provide you with clothing options for incredibly specific vibes, aesthetics and events! This month, it’s time to celebrate the Main Character that lives in all of us.

Something about getting back out in the world (safely, and with caveat that we are far from done with COVID) has been cranking up the Main Character energy in my life. Taking public transit again? She’s a main character! Running to CVS? The main character is picking up hair gel, thank you very much! Meeting a friend for a beer? It’s the dang opening scene of a romantic comedy! Is it silly and probably bad for my ego? Yes. Is pretending I am the protagonist in romance novel a fun way to tamp down some of my nerves about being out in the world in general? Also yes!

To help you feel like the Main Character you are, I’ve written the beginning of your story instead of the “this is a good pair of jeans,” descriptions you would typically find in this column. Let the clothes and words take you away, to a place where you are the main attraction — cause babe? You deserve.

Widow With a Shocking Secret

Left to Right: Duna Rhodes Poplin Sleeveless Shirt, French Connection; Printed Crepe Ruffle Jumpsuit, Nordstrom Rack; Carol Bow Blouse, ABLE; Darling Lace Robe, Bloomingdales

“I was just as surprised as anyone, and completely heartbroken, obviously,” you say, wrapping your hands around the steaming mug of coffee offered by your new neighbor.

She’s like the rest of them: gorgeous in an easy, moneyed way that put you on the defensive the moment you sat down in her sumptuous kitchen. You push the envy down. She thinks you are one of them, that’s why you chose this town, that’s why you are doing this.

She looks shocked and sad for you, and beneath it, there is something else — curiosity, a little hum of attraction. You can already imagine the call she’ll make to the other neighborhood wives, and smile tremulously, preparing to lay it on thick. “I’m so looking forward to getting a fresh start. Not for me, but the kids. My heart just breaks for them.” She follows your gaze out the window where your kids are playing with her twins and you see her soften. Perfect.

Bad Boy With a Heart of Gold

Left to Right: Kairo Mixed Media Shirt, HauteButch; Drawstring Jogger in St. Tropez, 7 For All Mankind; Debutante Satin Shawl Vest, HauteButch; Distressed Built-In Flex Gender-Neutral Jean Jacket, Old Navy

It’s the third time the engine on your motorcycle has crapped out this month, and as you come to a shuddering stop, thick raindrops start to fall, hissing on hit sun-warmed pavement. “Of course,” you mutter to yourself, reaching for your cell. “Just my luck.” You know service is spotty out here — that’s the reason you went for a ride tonight, you wanted to get away, needed clear your head.

The sky lights up, and the crack of thunder that follows is so loud you jump without thinking. You’re squinting at your phone when headlights make you look up, and a car slows to a halt. “Need a ride?” a familiar voice asks.

You groan and spin around, and there she is, smirking behind the wheel. You ignore the flutter in your gut. “Not from you.” You grunt. Another peal of thunder echoes through the valley.

“Suit yourself,” She laughs, easy and unbothered. Her laugh feels like it hits you somewhere in your sternum; you feel your cheeks flush in response. Shit.

Recently Divorced Contractor Raising Their Three Kids On Their Own

Left to Right: Linen Boyfriend Shirt, Gap; Knit Jumpsuit, Nordstrom Rack; Rick Icon Rolled Denim Shorts, Nordstrom Rack; harrington jacket with funnel neck in navy, ASOS

The drywall in the kitchen needs to be replaced, and you want to double check that the sump pump can handle the torrential rains that come every spring — but otherwise, the place is in good shape. You let out a quick sigh of relief, and turn to the person beside you with a grin. “You picked a great spot; this place looks great. Just a couple of structural things I’ll need to do before we can focus on the fun stuff.” God, you missed this — the smell of wood, the feeling of concrete under your boots. The pleasure and satisfaction of creating something.

Things had been so hectic for you and the boys since the divorce, but you finally figured out a routine that worked for the three of you and getting back to work felt better than you imagined.

They rock on balls of their feet excitedly, with a wide smile that reminds you of honey in the sun. “Excellent,” they breathe — and you can see it, the thrill of making a home, of making a space yours. You ignore the pang of jealousy, pressing it down until you can almost believe you don’t still want this for yourself — someone to come home to, a house you built together.

“Let’s check out the backyard,” you say, forcing a quick smile. “I’ve got some great ideas for a patio.”

Cool Girl Next Door Who Knows All The Good Parties

Left to Right: Yulia Printed Shirt Dress, French Connection; organic cotton high waist tapered leg jeans in stone blue, ASOS; Vintage Supply tie front mesh crop top in trippy checkerboard print, ASOS; Eero Sequin Mini Skirt, French Connection

You’re just setting your makeup when your phone lights up again. You ignore it — your friends have been trolling in the thread all night, getting sillier and sillier as the pregaming drinks set in. You grin at your reflection in the mirror, satisfied by your razor sharp blue eyeliner and glittering cheekbones.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see your phone light up again. You roll your eyes as you collapse onto your bed to catch up on the sixty five texts that have somehow piled up while you’ve been doing your makeup. There, on your lock screen, above the thread (they’re up to seventy now) is a text from her.

You reach for the jar of tequila and soda you’ve been sipping on all night — your roommate is incapable of keeping any glassware in the house that isn’t a reusable jar. She actually texted. will i see u tonight? You take a big gulp of your lukewarm drink and respond before you have to chance to overthink it. Yes.

The Mysterious Neighbor Who Is Obviously a Witch

Left to Right: Nailah Button Down Tunic, Universal Standard; broderie shirt dress in black, ASOS; V-Neck Patterned Kaftan, Nordstrom Rack; Agnese Long Kimono, Agent Provocateur

You’ve been feeling uneasy lately, a kind of uneasy that you can’t chalk up to anything specific — which makes you more unsettled. It’s the way the wind is moving through the trees, the way the river courses silently but furiously, the hush at dusk, too still. Unnatural.

You light a candle and set an intention for focus and for strength, then, somewhat unexpectedly, forgiveness and grace. You aren’t sure where that came from, but it only adds to your growing certainty that something’s out there, waiting. You pour yourself a mug of mulled wine, then with a certainty that surprises you, set out a second mug.

The wind whistles long and hard through the eaves of the old house, then falls silent. The knock on the door doesn’t surprise you, but the woman standing on your threshold does.

“We need to talk,” she says, stepping inside and closing the door before you can get a word out. “Something is happening.” Her movements are steady and sure; she looks at you seriously, dark eyes glittering. Her hair has gotten long, falling halfway down her back in heavy, rippling waves. It was shorter when you loved her.

“I know,” you say. You fill the mug with warmed wine and press it into her hands. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

So You Want to Wear Shorts This Summer

Fret not my friends! I heard your cries*, the clamoring of voices that rose to a din, and I was able to make out one plea above all others, a cry that said: “Christina! Shorts! What of shorts, what do we do about shorts this summer?”

I listened, I meditated**, I did some prayerful reflection***, and now I am here to provide you with an Official Summer 2021 Summer Shorts Guide!

We covered the return of the 90s and the 70s in our last edition, and you can expect to see that trend continuing here! The 90s influence is especially strong in the athletic short space — think Princess Diana and her iconic bike shorts. The 70s vibes are coming in hot with prints and patterns, which I personally am digging!

To the shorts!!

*Comments
**Shopped
***Shopped some more

Classic Denim

Left to Right: Extra High-Waisted Sky Hi Black Button-Fly Jean Shorts:Old Navy ($25) // Mid-Rise Dark-Wash Boyfriend Jean Shorts: Old Navy ($29.99) // The Guadalupe Cutoff: ABLE ($68) // Mid-Rise Secret-Slim Pockets Plus Size Bermuda Jean Shorts: Old Navy ($37)

Imagine my delight when I started perusing shorts for this installment and found that not only are we still leaning into a higher waist, but we are also creating space for a longer inseam! Old Navy is doing some really incredible work, this black high waisted pair is honestly my platonic ideal for a short. For those who want to go a little shorter, I love this cuffed pair, because let’s be honest, cuffs are a crucial queer signifier. Along that vein, we have a classic cut off, which for me is inextricably linked to memories of the public pool when I was a teen? Regardless, I love this pair from ABLE. We are seeing a resurgence of the Bermuda short in a way that I didn’t expect, and… look, I’m not sold on that style for me, but I am not the boss of you! I trust that one of you can pull them off!

Dad Vibes

Left to Right:  
Levi’s Youth 501 93 regular denim shorts: ASOS ($64) //  Palm Tree Print Jacquard Shorts: Nordstrom Rack ($69.97) //  Cargo Jogger Shorts: Old Navy ($27) // Run 7″ Printed Shorts: Nordstrom Rack ($24.97)

Ahhh, no time better than the summer months to really lean into that Dad Energy! A classic black denim is the perfect starter short for anyone who wants to rock that Dad vibe. If you want to level up and go for the crew + sock sneaker combo, trust me when I say Dads and Dad types everywhere will approve. You know what else Dads love? A printed short, and tbquieth, this Palm Tree print fairly screams “Yeah, I’m grilling right now, what of it?” This next pair might feel controversial, as there has certainly been a lot of voices urging folks to step away from anything even tangentially cargo. But I think the issue with the cargo pants and shorts of yore was always that they were too bulky and long! Try this more fitted pair and rest easy knowing you can absolutely fit a ring of keys in those pockets. Finally, I encourage you to go all the way off with this black and white geometric pair of shorts, they are cool in the best kind of breezy and effortless way.

Mommi Energy

Left to Right: High-Waisted Tie-Belt Linen-Blend Plus-Size Shorts: Old Navy ($32.99) //
Miss Selfridge lace hem legging short: ASOS ($19) // Corey Lynn Calter Alexa Paperbag Shorts: Anthropologie ($118) // Belted High Waist Pleated Shorts: Nordstrom Rack ($24.97)

Where my fellow Mommis at?! Let’s get started with the classic summer time Mommi fabric, linen! Frankly, I could have found four pairs of just linen shorts for this section and called it a day, but you deserve my best! I love the tie waist of this pair from Old Navy, it’s very “hopping off your whimsical bike to grab a drink at the beach bar,” which I love. Also brilliant? A bike short with lace detailing! Let’s be honest, Princess Diana was an iconic Mommi, and you should wear these summer shorts in her honor. I love a paper bag short, they are breezy and cool and almost universally flattering. Both of these pairs have a high waist and belt, which I love, and the black and white ones are bringing some 70s energy with that pattern!

Teen on TikTok

Left to Right: High-Waisted O.G. Tie-Dye Button-Fly Jean Shorts: Old Navy ($39.99) // Striped Mesh Shorts: Anthropologie ($84) // Pilcro The Wanderer Shorts: Anthropologie ($88) // Curve matching velour shorts in blue: asos ($23)

Every single item above does make me feel old as hell, I should stipulate that. But look, there are all kinds of vibes and styles, and while I am always The Mom friend, that means someone has to be the friend with the energy of a very online teen! The big thing you’ll notice here is that the youth are very into textures and bright, bold patterns. These tie-dye summer shorts are honestly cute as hell, bright and summery! For the daring among us—what about mesh! Lean into those 90s aesthetics! Plus, you will simply never be hot in these! I love the studied casualness of this paint splattered pair, maybe you have a pair you really painted in? Finally, this velour pair is just one option of many trendy fabrics, do not discount a knit!

Okay, how are are we feeling? A little better? Maybe slightly less overwhelmed? There are, of course, a ton more looks that fit this brief, so please drop more suggestions in the comments if you got em!

So You Want to Remember What Clothes Are? Here’s a Guide to Updated Basics

Have you recently found yourself staring into the vast abyss that is your closet or dresser or (let us be honest) floor, wondering what on earth clothes are? How do they go on a body? Why do they go on a body? We’ve been inside for a long time, and if you are anything like me, memories of anything approaching a personal style have slowly faded away, replaced by a rotating crop of sweats and novelty t-shirts.

Which is not to say a rotating crop of sweats is not a personal style — it’s not like I’m getting rid of any of mine, heaven forbid! But I do want to start thinking about adding some new things to the mix, so if you are also feeling that way, but worry that you have lost the ability to do so, you have come to the right place!

“So You Want To…” is a biweekly fashion guide, aimed to help you find the perfect looks for things like: exciting events (finally meeting that cutie you’ve been FaceTiming with for six months!), aesthetics and vibes (butch bottom summer!), pop culture personas (Fran Finecore!) and, well, whatever else I dream up!

For this first installation, I figured we’d keep it simple — a guide for some updated basics, with a rundown of the trends you can expect to see this summer. Think of it as a building block for our future forrays, yeah?

Jeans

From left to right: Joni High Rise CurveSkinny Jeans: Universal Standard, Donna High Rise Curve Straight Leg Jeans: Universal Standard, Monki Yoko Wide Leg Jeans: ASOS, Joe’s High Rise Cropped Bootcut Jeans: Nordstrom Rack

Here’s the thing about jeans: once you find a pair that works, it’s hard to go out of your way and try something new, because, well — shopping for jeans is the worst. But! If there was ever a time to get a little wild, it’s now!

Some of you might be excited to see that we are slowly stepping away from the skinny jeans that have held a chokehold on Our Culture™ since the mid aughts, and that is true! If you are still dedicated to ’em, maybe try this high-waisted pair from Universal Standard? They are a touch more relaxed in the knee and hip, generally less binding then the skinnies of old. This straight leg pair, also from Universal Standard, speaks to my desire to introduce more structure while not being totally restrictive, perhaps they speak to you too? Prepare to see a blend of 90s and 70s styles this summer, as evidence by the high-waisted, light washed, baggy excellence of this pair from ASOS, and the cropped flare (flare!!!) on this black pair from Nordstrom Rack.

Soft Pants

From left to right: Poplin Tapered Jogger: Old Navy, Skinny Sweatpants with Side Stripe: ASOS, Slim Fit Sweatpants in Navy Stripe: ASOS, Eden Twill Pull on Pants, Long: Universal Standard

Did you think I was gonna say no more soft pants, like some kind of cruel fashion tyrant? Soft pants are here to stay, but I do want to update them a bit! Like these high-waisted joggers — casual and understated, and would pair effortlessly with any top or shoe you can imagine. I am also living for this athletic inspired moment (blame this image) and these side stripe joggers are, quite frankly, sick.

Also coming back with a vengeance is the pinstripe, if you can believe it. I am a little wary of it, if I am being honest, but this navy pair is compelling! And if you like your soft pants a little looser around the ankle, these twill pull pants will absolutely turn heads, even if you pair them with your silliest novelty t-shirt.

Dresses and Jumpsuits

From left to right: Long Sleeve V-Neck in Forest Green: ASOS, Fit and Flare Midi Dress for Women: Old Navy, Button Cuffed Jumpsuit in Oatmeal: ASOS, Slouchy Overalls in Washed Black: ASOS

Remember what I said about the 90s? Prepare to see that influence in dresses big time this summer — note the baby doll ruffles on this green mini and to the oversized, Laura Ashley-esque florals on this black midi. Both of these would look incredible with a pair of Docs, but you know that. Are you not into dresses, but still want to throw on a single item that is breezy and cool? Hello neutral jumpsuit, I love you. Also! Overalls: They’re back! I think this black washed pair feels a bit more grown up than some of the others I’ve seen, but honestly? There is only one thing you must keep in mind when preparing to rock a pair of overalls: if you wear a yellow shirt under a denim overall, people will 100% assume you are very into Minions. Do with that what you will.

Shirts

From left to right: Bee Print Short Sleeve Shirt: Clothing Without Labels, Satin Shirt in Geo Giraffe Print: ASOS, Knitted Tank with Pearl Buttons: ASOS, Charlie Two Tone Shirt: Haute Butch

Are you looking to get into fun, all over patterns on shirts? Well, I have good news! For those who lean more masc, this bumblebee short sleeve dress shirt is delightful, and would look great with any of the jeans up top. The more femme inclined among us might be interested in this giraffe print top — it is a great way to lean into those 70s aesthetics! For those who aren’t afraid of a bit of skin, why not go fully off with this knitted tank? If baring the bod isn’t quite your style, that is A-OK because this black and white top is incredible and perfect for the warmer months ahead.

Shoes

From left to right: Vans Platform Sneaker: ASOS, Koi Footwear Aiya Vegan Chunky Sneakers: ASOS, Birkenstock Yao Hex: Nordstorm Rack, Cole Haan Modern Classics Embossed Loafer: Nordstrom Rack

Remember shoes? They are the things that go on your feet when you — stay with me — leave the house. Wild, right? The trend for shoes right now is platforms and in a big way. I’m giving you two different options, a classic Van with a restrained bit of elevation as well as this cotton candy colored Baby Spice dream shoe. Both are guaranteed to have you (carefully) strutting your best stuff.

Craving a sandal? Well, I am a lesbian, so I always think Birkenstock’s are in style, and now it seems the world has finally caught up! If you already have a pair — I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume you do — why not try ones with metallic touches? Finally, I am entirely, absolutely obsessed with these loafers, they are making me think I should commit to a Miami Vice slash Robin Williams in The Birdcage energy this summer — maybe you should, too?

WHEW! How are we feeling? Excited? Inspired? Overwhelmed? All of the above? I’m starting to think that dressing myself might be possible after all!

If you have a vibe or a mood or an event you’d like to see a guide for, drop ’em in the comments!

So You Want to Dress Like a Mommi This Fall

Every season has a standout, one archetype who becomes the most powerful version of themselves. Take spring for example— buttery pastels and flowing dresses bring out the best in our soft femmes. Or summer, where butches reign supreme in ripped muscle tanks and artful cutoffs. But fall? Fall, my friends, is for Mommis.

Swaddled in cardigans, draped in sweaters, Mommis are at their most powerful when the temperature drops below 70 degrees. They are in your coffee shops, your pumpkin patches, your late summer farmers markets, gathering strength each time a crisp fall breeze blows. In honor of their most powerful season, I have compiled a fall fashion guide that will allow you to usurp some of their power for your own, should you wish to do so!

Classic Mommi

Left to Right: Stripe Knit Sweater, Nordstrom Rack; Rib Knit Sweater, Nordstrom Rack; Seine Mid-Rise Skinny Jeans, Universal Standard; B(air) Denim High Waist Skinny in Black, 7 For All Mankind.

Here are the building blocks, the essential pieces any aspiring Mommi needs in their wardrobe. Classic Mommi is all about two things: black or dark wash denim and sweaters. High rise black skinny jeans with a cream turtleneck? This is an iconic “Mommi standing in a spotless kitchen she certainly did not clean herself” look! Dark jeans with a nautical sweater? This is effortless Mommi — you don’t need to look like you own a boat, but you do need to give off the impression that you would be comfortable near one.

Edgy Mommi

Left to Right: Brave Soul Tasmin Maxi Length Faux Fur Coat, ASOS; City Topper Leopard Print Coat, Nordstrom Rack; Crossover Lamb Leather Jacket, Nordstrom Rack; Faux Leather Panel Leggings, Nordstrom Rack.

The easiest way to level up to Edgy Mommi is by adding three things: leather, fur and prints. You are going for hints of Mob Wife here, you want to make people a little scared of you. Faux leather leggings with a leopard print coat tells even casual passerby that you are in charge of the PTA meeting schedule and everyone knows it. Throw a classic white button down under that faux fur coat and the next lunchtime glass of red is on the house, Mommi!

Power Mommi

Left to Right: ASOS DESIGN Pop Waisted Suit Blazer, ASOS; Fashion Union Double Breasted Hooded Trench Coat, ASOS; Empower Wildflower Tux Blazer, Wildfang; Socialite Paperbag Trousers, Nordstrom Rack

Power Mommi is, above all else, busy. She has time for exactly three things: dynamic, colorful blazers, trench coats and kneecapping smug executives who think they’ve got her beat. Let her ruthless corporate ways inspire you in the form of this stunning bright pink blazer. (Bonus points for going shirtless underneath!) Pick up this classic trench, thoughtfully tuck a sheaf of papers in your inside pocket and you’ll be on your way to that corner office in no time!

Androgynous Mommi

Left to Right: Floral Print Skinny Fit Suit Pants,Topman; Pink Pique Bowling Polo,Topman; New Look Organic V-Neck Tee, ASOS; Black Slim Fit Single Breasted Blazer With Notch Lapels,Topman.

While it is true that Mommis are often more femme, there is a wide world of Mommi-adjacent fashion for those who aren’t partial to super femme looks. Swap out the skintight jeans for a slim-cut, floral pants, a classic white t-shirt and you are in business! Blazers are among the most Mommi clothing items on Earth, so opt for a traditionally cut single breasted one here. Remember, Mommi is state of mind!

Lounge Mommi

Left to Right: ASOS Design Tie Waist Jumpsuit, ASOS; Commando Silk Pajama Shirt, Nordstrom Rack; New Look Tapered Leg Sweatpants, ASOS; Natori Joy Caftan, Nordstrom Rack.

All Mommis, whether they be edgy, andro or classic have one thing in common: a deep, powerful love of loungewear. Want to run some errands while remaining as comfortable as possible? Grab this jumpsuit — or if getting fully nude to pee at the farmers market doesn’t appeal, perhaps these lightweight joggers? A classic silk Pajama shirt is so canonically Mommi I feel like it doesn’t need further explanation? Nor does the caftan, frankly. Mommis value luxe comfort above all else.

Of course, there are many, many ways to Mommify your wardrobe — I have only just scratched the surface! Do feel free to share some of your additional favorites in the comments! Happy Mommi Season to us all.