The Real L Word Cast: Where Are They Now?
Friends, do you remember? The slouchy beanies, the vests, the forearm tattoos, the creamed corn wrestling, the feather earrings, the clam power, the hated wind, the shower sex, the debs, the cursed strap-on — do you remember The Real L Word? I personally could never forget, because I recapped every episode of this g-dforsaken program when it aired, beginning in 2010 and up until it mercifully concluded in 2012. Not only that, but we made very popular parody videos, featured cast members in our Autostraddle Calendar, and, well, it sure was a weird time to be gay and alive and in your twenties and bopping between New York, Los Angeles, and Oakland!
In the years immediately following the program’s airdates, most of its cast members enjoyed healthy careers as professional lesbians — showing up at parties and Prides as “hosts.” They were primed to become influencers before the term “influencers” even existed and indeed, many of them now are. We’ve also got a lot of babies and real estate licenses!
It’s been over ten years since the final season of this cursed show gave its final bow on Showtime. One thing that’s terrifying for commoner Los Angeles residents is that with enough wealth in this town, you can pretty much look 25 forever and indeed, they all look exactly the same as they did on the show. That aside, however, major changes abound!
The Real L Word cast: Where are they now?
Whitney Mixter
Legendary ladykiller Whitney Mixter was the primary focus of The Real L Word‘s entire run, notorious for her clam power, problematic hairstyle and habit of asking herself questions and then answering them. She dated myriad women who often resembled each other and had a particular amount of drama with Romi in Season One, a side-character who was then upgraded to main cast for the second and third seasons. But of all her many paramours, it was Sada who truly stole Whitney’s heart.
Whitney Mixter and Sada Bettencourt married on the series finale of The Real L Word in 2012 and appeared on Vh1’s Couples Therapy in 2014 to work through the myriad problems that had already threatened the sanctity of their marriage. After their tumultuous ride on Couples Therapy, the couple decamped for the Bay Area to be closer to Sada’s mother, who was ill. While in Oakland, Whitney worked in real estate and Sada began her career as a personal trainer. Following the death of Sada’s mother, they returned to Los Angeles, and in September 2016, Mixter filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. “At the end, I think we just got to a point where it was exhausting, and it was time to call it quits,” Mixter told Go Magazine in 2017.
After returning to Los Angeles, Whitney continued working as a party promoter and doing some acting and production work, as well as moving forward in her real estate career. But, as the erstwhile conceptual leader of a strap-on that squirts sperm into a vagina, Whitney Mixter’s number one life dream was always to have kiddos — so, at the age of 37, she embarked upon her solo motherhood journey.
She gave birth to her first child, Mecca Silas Moon Mixter, in October of 2020 and is currently in a relationship with “heartworker” Nina Grae, who has devoted her life to using her “speaking, written and singing voice to liberate, heal and inspire folks from all walks of life.” Whitney remains pals with many of her Real L Word co-stars, including fan favorite best friend Alyssa.
Sada Simone
Sada has continued offering fitness training as well as working as a hairstylist and makeup artist at Hairbae Beauty Bar. She’s in a relationship with musician Troy Spino. They have one child together, and Sada is currently pregnant with their second.
Romi (Klinger) Imbelli
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cpu-d6Yumlh/?hl=en
Romi had a pretty unforgiving initial journey into the spotlight as a major player on all three seasons of The Real L Word, including her infamous strap-on sex scene with Whitney. She also appeared as an Autostraddle Calendar Girl in December 2010. Romi ended the series by marrying her boyfriend Dusty, legendary composer of the song “Dirty Knees.” The show made it seem like Romi and Dusty tied the knot in Las Vegas on the same day as Whitney and Sada’s ceremony.
By the spring of 2013, Romi and Dusty had separated and divorced. She later married a chef named Charles and had a baby girl, Frankie, with whom she moved to Texas, though she and Charles later divorced. Romi is now a “social media builder,” makeup artist, brand ambassador, and life coach. She hosts a podcast called The Eff It Madres with her best friend Carla M Zuniga. Romi appears to be currently dating filmmaker James Haven, who is Angelina Jolie’s brother! They’ve known each other since Romi was 20 years old.
Nikki & Jill Goldstein-Weiss
Nikki Weiss and Jill Goldstein were planning their wedding for much of the first season, and they indeed married in a private ceremony in Malibu in October 2010, which was featured on the cover of Curve Magazine. Their first son was born on their two-year wedding anniversary in October 2012, and they now have two sons. Nikki beat breast cancer in 2013 and is now an activist for breast cancer awareness. Jill gave birth to their second child, Adler, a few years later. Through Nikki Weiss & Co, Weiss continues to manage leading directors in the feature and commercial world. Jill remains a writer — she does treatments for commercials, music videos, award shows and NBC Universal’s branded entertainment group.
Mikey Koffman
https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck6SUuVvUCT/?hl=en
Iconic LA Fashion Week promoter Mikey Koffman was best known on the program for LA Fashion Week and also for her delightful girlfriend Raquel. These days, Mikey remains the CEO of Endless Road Entertainment, a firm that “leads the way in Creative Event and Video Production and Event Medical Services.” Also Mikey is an EMT? Mikey married their partner Stephanie in November 2022, and she remains pals with Rose Garcia.
Tracy Ryerson & Stamie Karakasidis
https://www.instagram.com/p/CX-fiGQrbhQ/
In The Real L Word’s first season, Tracy was a 29-year-old former model who’d realized she liked women in her mid-twenties, and she’d been dating 38-year-old stand-up comic Stamie Karakasidis, who had three kids with her ex, Julie.
Tracy and Stamie are still together! They grew their family in 2018 when Tracy gave birth to baby Milo! Tracy works as a Film & TV Producer for Wayfarer Studios. Stamie identifies as a Los Angles Real Estate Wealth Advisor and is a co-founder of mewd vitamins (Multi-Vitamins for Teens.) They’ve also produced 20 episodes of a podcast called The Stamie & Tracy Show.
Tracy and Stamie remain friends with Nikki and Jill.
Rose Garcia
In The Real L Word’s first season, Rose was presented as a “player” full of edit-friendly catchphrases about seducing and dating ladies. She was often fighting with her then-girlfriend, Natalie, and also had a cute dog!
I actually ran into Rose at a Generation Q premiere event in 2019 and she was quite honestly a delight. Predictably, Rose remains a boss bitch, heading up the Garcia Real Estate Group and working as a “crowd motivator” and “living the Real L Word life everyday.” She hosted parties at Dinah and appears with her hot girlfriend Sofia at power lesbian events across Los Angeles. In February 2023, Rose revealed she had been diagnosed with Late Stage Ovarian Cancer the year prior and had undergone surgery in January, and was now approaching chemo with optimism, hope, and the support of her family and friends.
Kacy Boccumini
Kacy & Cori’s difficult experience trying to have children was the emotional core of the second and third seasons of The Real L Word, and they experienced a brutal miscarriage in 2012. The couple broke up in 2017.
43-year-old Kacy Boccumini came out as a trans man on Instagram in May of 2021 after the pandemic enabled him to get in touch with himself through writing and Zoom Al-Anon meetings. He also thanked Nikki Weiss-Goldstien for her help and support through his coming out process! Kacy was diagnosed with with MS in 2013 and was working with a doctor to ensure physical transition that won’t worsen their MS. He told The Advocate that the doctor he visited to get his hormone treatments was in the same building where he used to take Cori for her fertility treatments. He works as a writer, director and the host of the podcast “The Stories We Tell,” which is about the way we read movies.
Cori McGinn
Since her time in the reality television spotlight, Cori has taken a step back from the public eye but she has a super-adorable dog, knits a lot, and works for Warner Brothers Entertainment in Los Angeles. Her personal Instagram is private, but she has a public account for her knitting projects.
Sajdah Golde
https://www.instagram.com/p/CY4Gx94lreZ/?hl=en
Sajdah Golde joined the cast in Season Two. She worked as a field organizer for political campaigns, dated a girl named Chanel, had a fantastic best friend named Marissa, and said funny things about girls and dating. She also notably tweeted during the project that she regretted getting involved at all!
Sajdah launched a magazine called Black Out for Black LGBTQ+ folks in 2013, which possibly only did one issue. She graduated from law school again in 2016, this time with a Masters of Law in Taxation. She’s now the president of taxation Law Firm Goldemind.
Claire Campbell Moseley
Claire appeared on The Real L Word’s second season as an entrepreneur who wanted to “start a website about lesbian life” and move to Los Angeles, leaving behind her girlfriend Vivian in favor of seeing “what’s there” with her ex-girlfriend Francine. Upon landing in Los Angeles, they immediately began fighting. Claire once memorably noted of her cast members: “It’s cool, I look good. You all look fake and crazy. Bye.”
Now, Claire has left these halcyon days behind her. She’s the founder of custom pocket square shop O’Harrow Clotheirs, which she launched in 2013 out of her Silver Lake Blackhouse. Claire and her new haircut look fantastic on Instagram, traveling the world in curated outfits. She currently works as the marketing Manager for vape kings PAX. In 2017, she was listed as one of Elle Magazine’s Hottest Singles, but she appears to now be dating a girl named Anna.
Francine Beppu
Aforementioned ex of Claire, Francine, modeled for the Autostraddle calendar while being filmed for The Real L Word‘s second season, in which she had a nice storyline with her mom and some big fights with Claire!
In 2015, Francine moved back to Hawai’i and soon thereafter began working with the Hawai’i LGBT Legacy Foundation, eventually becoming its president. She currently lives in Honolulu and works as the VP of Network Strategy for the NMG Network.
Kiyomi McCloskey
The third season of The Real L Word introduced dueling Los Angeles / New York storylines, but the New York cast was basically just Kiyomi McCloskey’s band, Hunter Valentine, and mostly focused on Kiyomi, with some screentime for temporary bandmate Somer and a sliver for additional bandmates Vero and Laura. Hunter Valentine lost Vero in 2013 and then Aimee in 2014, while the band was a part of Make or Break: The Linda Perry Project. Hunter Valentine released its last EP in 2016.
Kiyomi began the show with one girlfriend and ended the show with a new girlfriend: castmate Lauren Bedford Russell. The duo stayed together for four years before parting ways — although they remain friends!
In 2019, Kiyomi married her girlfriend of five years, model Meghan Garland, at Whitney Houston’s former estate in New Jersey, which was written up in Brides magazine and amazingly did include a custom bottle of Smirnoff with their actual faces on it. The couple parted ways in June of 2022. Kiyomi is still living in New York and working as a real estate agent as well as doing a bit of Influencing.
Somer Bingham
Local favorite Somer Bingham was briefly a member of Hunter Valentine and thus was shuffled onto The Real L Word, but by the time the show aired she’d returned to focusing on her own band, Clinical Trials.
After The Real L Word, Somer attended noted event A-Camp, where she created an independent campaign to be recognized as A-Camp Intern Somer. She and her wife, Donna Rizham, had a daughter in 2014, and Somer still makes music and is currently a producer-songwriter-musician “trying to balance nihilism, creativity & motherhood.” She wrote a very important piece for Autostraddle about how to remain punk while having a kid.
Laura Petracca
Hunter Valentine’s drummer, Laura, followed up her time with the band by returning to Toronto and the culinary career she’d begun there, working as a sous chef at Leña before taking the lead as Executive Chef at The Rabbit Hole in Toronto. She also has a girlfriend, and they look very happy!
Vero Sanchez
The former bassist for Hunter Valentine now identifies as an artist/songwriter and runs The Bowery Vault in East Nashville, “an inviting space where people can explore fashion along with creating a great sounding room where artists and audiences can connect.”
Lauren Bedford Russell
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgcq7_3vOuS/?hl=en
The L.A. crew for Season Three contained series mainstays Whitney, Sada, Romi, Cori, and Kacy, as well as newcomer Lyon Jewelry CEO Lauren Bedford Russel, who was “best friends with benefits” with Amanda Dunn, who was moving to Los Angeles to live with Lauren when the season opened.
Lauren is now an ambassador for environmental platform OnlyOne and owns Design & Renovation firm Bedford Renovations. She’s pretty withdrawn from social media at this point, but from what is out there it would appear that she really enjoys being underwater!
Amanda Leigh Dunn
In 2013, Amanda was part of the team that started Brooklyn lesbian bar The Dalloway with America’s Next Top Model star Kim Stolz, which unfortunately closed a year after opening. Amanda is the head of Design & Development for House of Rolison, a real estate development firm that promises to “create avant-garde and innovative housing projects” and “transform places into real living spaces.” She’s in a relationship with House of Rolison’s Managing Partner, Taylor Hahn.
What Do You Do With A Problem Like Romi Klinger: On Bisexuality, Biphobia and Media Representation
Recently, GO Magazine published an interview with Romi Klinger of The Real L Word regarding the current state of her relationships, her career, and the controversy surrounding her sexuality. In the interview, Romi reveals that she and and her husband Dusty Ray (of dubious Tumblr fame) have separated and are moving forward with divorce proceedings. The interviewer then pushed Romi to declare her sexuality as an absolute percentage, and Klinger actually went as far as to partially blame her marriage’s collapse on her bisexuality. “I would say that half of the divorce is because it wasn’t working out and we weren’t happy. And the other half is because I want to go back to women,” she explains.
Look, I haven’t eaten an animal product in nearly a decade, but when I see PETA campaigns that make all vegetarians look petty and insane, it embarrasses me on a personal level. As I read Romi’s explanation of her current situation and her incredulity at the public’s reaction to her prior relationship drama, I couldn’t help feeling personally betrayed in some (possibly unrealistic) way. I’m an actively queer woman who does not identify as a lesbian, and I date people of all genders without worrying too much about giving myself a label. It would be easy to gloss over all the difficulties I had in reaching this level of acceptance with my sexuality, but the truth is that from time to time, non-monosexuality can be a pretty lonely place to be. Ever since I found my predilections shifting towards this current state of affairs, I’ve been very keen to find others who understand my point of view, and it can be enormously upsetting to see someone who has a major international platform making us all look crazy.
Obviously nobody is denying anybody the right to love who they want – that’s sort of the whole point of this community, right? It’s what we’re here for! However, Romi’s comments about the role her sexual fluidity has played in both her on-screen vilification and her ever-changing relationship status left a bad taste in my mouth. According to the Advocate, who named “bisexuals” (all of them, apparently) as one of their 10 choices for 2013’s Person of the Year, there’s never been a better time to be open about one’s “in-between sexuality” in the media… So why does it still feel so distinctly uncomfortable? Romi’s often branded herself as a representative of the bisexual community, but her statements about what it means to be a sexually fluid person do nothing to paint her as any sort of role model – in fact, she drives home a number of unfortunate stereotypes.
In the beginning of Season 3 of The Real L Word (a real television show that actually exists), Romi is shown “coming out” to her friends as dating a man. She is frightened of the reception she may receive from her lesbian friends, and this is a valid fear that many non-monosexual women know all too well. The risk of being judged or excommunicated for “going straight” or somehow betraying one’s community is a very real issue among bisexual women involved with male-identified partners, as though these relationships somehow invalidate one’s queer identity. However, Romi laughs to her friends that she started dating a guy because she “got tired of [her] strap-on not working,” and it’s here that she began to lose me. I watched the rest of the season with my jaw on the floor, aghast at one of the worst and most disappointing representations of bisexuality I have ever seen on television – which is really quite a distinction.
In terms of media visibility, our options have been pretty limited for quite some time. Remember all the way back in season 1 of The L Word, when Alice was portrayed as the only bisexual in The Planet, not to mention the whole wide world? By the end of season three, her awkward journey along the Kinsey scale was unceremoniously concluded with her admission that “bisexuality is gross. I see it now.” As Maria San Filippo explains in her book The B Word: Bisexuality in Contemporary Film and Television, Ilene Chaiken’s decision to abandon this aspect of Alice’s storyline squandered the opportunity to tell stories that a significant chunk of her audience could relate to, leaving behind a world where the most outspokenly bisexual woman left on television was Megan Mullally’s character Karen Walker on Will & Grace. Bisexual visibility in media has long been a touchy subject, with many characters hesitant to openly refer to themselves as bi (see: Chasing Amy, Piper from Orange is the New Black). Our other options tend to be poorly-developed, problematic representations like A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila. These murky examples don’t do very much to demystify or enhance public perception of those of us who fall somewhere in-between. It would have been lovely to see a sympathetic portrayal of a complex bisexual woman on television, but instead Ilene Chaiken did it again – we got Romi, who threw temper tantrums about not receiving the treatment she felt entitled to as a “celesbian” and lied to her girlfriend about her obvious attraction to her ex-boyfriend before unceremoniously ditching her to marry him.
Any criticism of her behavior, even when valid, was written off by Romi as biphobia, and while I don’t doubt that much of it was rooted in biphobia, the problem of biphobia in the lesbian community is too pervasive and important to be dubiously employed on national television. Like other forms of oppression, biphobia and monosexism are systemic and institutional, propped up and perpetuated by larger systems that have a vested interest in maintaining rigid narratives about sexual orientation. Biphobia and monosexism aren’t just feeling dismissed by lesbian friends; they’re why bisexual women have disproportionately high rates of mental illness, substance abuse, sexual violence, intimate partner violence, and poverty when compared to both straight and lesbian women, just for starters. What Romi experiences is interpersonal; the feeling of someone being mean to her. While it’s undoubtedly hurtful for her, and would be hurtful for anyone who had to experience it, it’s only the tip of the iceberg when talking about biphobia. A refusal to look beyond Romi’s experiences — whether that refusal is Romi’s or the media’s — helps us avoid looking at the institutional ways in which bisexual women are disadvantaged, and encourages us instead to continue bickering about whether bisexual women are “slutty” or “greedy.” Focusing the discussion in this way means that all that gets discussed is Romi as an individual. Even if Romi is a bisexual or sexually fluid individual, there’s an invitation to imagine Romi’s personal life as representative of what bisexuality is, and even worse, the negative experiences Romi complains about as representative of what biphobia is. And that’s just objectively incorrect.
via the Williams Institute
Of course, all we can go by is what we’ve been shown of this person’s public life; we cannot know what happened when the cameras were off. The GO Magazine interviewer does push Romi to quantify her sexuality in a very specific way, and she expresses some frustration with the way viewers of the show received her shifting sexuality. After three persistent questions on the topic, Romi seems to submit to the pressure to identify as “90/10,” more attracted to women than to men. She qualifies with “I don’t care what you want to call me or where I am on the scale, if I’m gay or bi or a fucking idiot.”
She is disheartened by the reactions she’s received from the lesbian community, and rightfully offended by the notion that by opening herself up to dating women, she’s suddenly “back.” Sexual fluidity is real and it can vary with time, especially with women – I’ve chronicled this within myself over the course of the last several years, and it’s certainly ebbed and flowed over time. For some reason, people do often tend to ask me to define my sexuality with percentages, as though it were a pie chart I could draw up in PowerPoint for them to use as a handy guide to my relationships. What feels right for a person today may not be the same thing that feels right a year or even a month from now, but this doesn’t decrease one’s ability to love or commit to another human being. It’s frustrating that Romi’s reported experiences with a fluid identity are being parlayed into a common misconception about non-monosexual people: that they can’t “make up their minds” about what gender they’d like to be with, and that any committed relationship represents a clear choice between hetero- or homosexuality. Undoubtedly, she should be able to pursue the kind of person who makes her happy, but the myth that bisexuals are unable to make a longterm commitment to a single person of any gender is both unfair and unnecessary.
The language that implies Romi has “returned” to an attraction to women (or that she “gave it up” when she married Dusty) is indicative of a larger problem with how bisexual women are perceived in relationships. Regardless of however one personally identifies, we do tend to be defined to an extent by our current relationships. A pair of female-presenting individuals holding hands will almost always be perceived as a homosexual couple, and both members of a heterosexual-appearing couple are generally assumed to be 100% straight. It’s upsetting to have to explain time and time again that an individual’s sexuality is not always defined by the gender of one’s present partner, and the nagging perception that long-term monogamous relationships can somehow erase one’s sexual preference. To use a pair of famous examples, compare the media’s reactions to Cynthia Nixon’s marriage to Christine Marinoni with the reaction to Evan Rachel Wood’s marriage to Jamie Bell. Whereas Cynthia Nixon found herself forced to explain her sexuality in great depth to a public convinced that she had suddenly become a lesbian, Evan Rachel Wood was criticized for marrying a man, as though her previously much-discussed bisexuality was no longer accurate or valid. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night,” Woody Allen once quipped, but he’s not necessarily correct. The misconception that sexually fluid people are able to move effortlessly between the queer and heterosexual worlds seems awfully rosy, but it’s rarely accurate. Bisexuals often report feeling alienated by both sides of the coin. In straight society, bisexual women are often seen as promiscuous, sexually indiscriminate, up for anything; sexual relationships with women are portrayed as being almost entirely performed with the male gaze in mind (see: Katy Perry’s debut single, most mainstream girl-on-girl porn). On the other hand, there’s also a widespread misconception that bisexuals are all insatiable, inevitable cheaters who use so-called “bisexual passing privilege” to allow themselves access to heterosexual privilege without having to commit to life as fully-fledged lesbians.
This idea of the bisexual as part-time queers or somehow not fully committed also lends itself to the perception that non-monosexuals are less qualified to be active in LGBTQ organizations, that they are traitors, merely allies, or have less of a right to feel strongly about causes directly affecting their own lives. It’s unfair, and it’s terribly discouraging. Rubyfruit Jungle author Rita Mae Brown spoke for a lot of people who reject bisexual women when she said, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t be tied to male privileges with the right hand while clutching to your sister with your left.” In Sex and Sensibility: Stories of a Lesbian Generation, Arlene Stein explains that early bisexual feminists were seen as “undermin(ing) the struggle against compulsory heterosexuality” and as “an inherently sexual category, while lesbians, feminists suggested, transcended sexuality.” This dismissive attitude creates a hostile environment for bisexuals seeking to form a queer political identity, or even to establish an inclusive community outside of the heterosexual world.
This is not to suggest that Romi or anyone is doing bisexuality incorrectly; obviously as long as nobody’s getting hurt, there’s certainly no right or wrong way to pursue sexuality. Even if Romi does in real life fulfill every stereotype of bisexual women, that doesn’t make her any less of a “real” bisexual, or a person whose sexuality isn’t valid and deserving of respect. That said, when we see sexually fluid individuals in film or television, they’re often unfortunately edited to fit the mold of the clichéd “bad bisexual,” a promiscuous, greedy person who is inconsistent and selfish with partners. Newsflash, guys – there are bisexual people who behave this way, but there are also people of every sexual orientation who behave this way, and if we had more nuanced, fleshed out characters representing non-monosexuals, these characteristics could be seen simply as individual personality traits and not representative of an entire community. To pretend otherwise is wearisome at best, and biphobic at worst.
This may be the time to wonder why Romi is a primary person we are paying attention to when we talk about bisexuality in the first place. Why are these kinds of stories that are so often amplified to reach us, instead of more nuanced, empathetic accounts of bisexual life? As a queer woman who does not exclusively date women, it would be enormously validating to see something even vaguely resembling my story told in film or television. Instead, bisexuality has mostly been shown as a cry for attention, a phase, or an excuse to dodge commitments and treat partners badly – which is bad for business no matter how you identify. The character of Romi who exists in front of reality TV cameras is indecisive, flighty and impulsive. When she enters into a new relationship, she makes broad statements about how her new partner’s gender is the gender that’s been truly right for her along, and then often backtracks when said relationship doesn’t work out. Here we have a person whose public persona seemingly defines all the misconceptions that the non-monosexual community are tired of, and yet it’s a story we’re told all too often.
Bisexual women have been doing and saying wonderful things for a long time, and certainly there are far better examples to be found out there. Recently, Maria Bello’s beautiful coming out piece in the New York Times’ Modern Love column discussed her past and current loves in a matter-of-fact, straightforward manner, being clear about relationships with people of different genders without invalidating any of them or making essentialist claims about gender in the process. She certainly isn’t the first sane, secure person on Earth who’s ever been capable of loving more than one gender, and yet her article’s wonderful reception was a pleasant surprise – finally, someone was getting it right (sort of — the number of headlines that claimed she was “coming out as gay” were disheartening, but not surprising). These are the kinds of stories we need to be telling. I hope that Romi Klinger finds someone who makes her happy (Instagram suggests that this person is currently Kelsey again, so mazel tov, you two!), but we also need to start presenting more three-dimensional and simply MORE examples of sexually fluid humans — so that one complex, flawed, vulnerable woman doesn’t have be our most visible public understanding of that community. I am hopeful that perhaps in 2014, we can begin to make positive changes necessary to start seeing a more balanced representation of the bisexual community in mainstream media.
In order to make sure that the comments section on this article is a healthy and welcoming place for our bisexual readers, please note that any comments that question the validity of bisexuality or sexual fluidity as a sexual orientation, question Autostraddle’s decision to publish pieces discussing bisexuality, or make essentialist claims about bisexual people (ex. bisexuals are cheaters, bisexuals turn out to be gay) will be swiftly deleted.
Also.Also.Also: Jean Grae and The Rando Have Their Eyes on The “Harvard Lampoon” and Other Stories We Missed This Week
Hello, gingerbread cookies! IT’S THE BIG DAY. IT’S XXXMAS. AND THAT MEANS I’M SHARING THIS PHOTO ONE MORE TIME.
It also means nobody’s reporting on the news because I mean, HOLIDAYS! END-OF-YEAR-TOP-TEN-LISTS! Duh. But have no fear! ‘Twas the night before XXXMAS and all through the house, I gathered the stories we missed this week for you.
Congrats, Dot-Marie!
Glee star Dot-Marie Jones got married this weekend. TO A WOMAN, Y’ALL! Bridgett Casteen and Dot-Marie were married Saturday night in their Los Angeles home and managed to get their friends to show up by punking them into thinking they were throwing a holiday party. NOPE! IT’S A CELEBRATION OF LOVE, BITCHES!
https://twitter.com/bridgettamanda/statuses/414463373367980032
Meet The Rando
Ari Fitz (the one and only) has created a special space just for you and her and anyone else perusing YouTube called The Rando. Subscribe now and the big news is sure to come later! And to think: you’ll be the first to know.
The Court of Love
+ Texas can keep up the homophobia thing as long as they want – but once the SCOTUS cuts in, it’s likely they’ll get what’s coming to them.
+ The lawyer defending Pennsylvania’s gay marriage ban has invasively and biphobically demanded the plaintiffs challenging the law reveal their sexual histories – including whether or not they’ve ever had different-sex sexual relations.
+ The floodgates to gay marriage have been opened in Ohio.
+ Uganda’s law allowing homos to rot in prison for life just for being who they are has passed.
Jean Grae on Your Screen, Tonight!
Tonight. 8PM. It’s all happening. And it’s all at jeangrae.com.
https://twitter.com/JeanGreasy/statuses/415158224208547840
Read It And Weep
+ An African-American woman is about to become the head honcho at the hilarious “Harvard Lampoon.” I’m psyched. And so is B, who sent me this link.
WILKINSON: Well, it kind of, in a lot of ways – not only being a member of The Lampoon and now the president – sort of hit home just because “SNL” was one of the few shows I was allowed to watch. Growing up I wasn’t allowed to watch, like, “Seinfeld” and “The Simpsons” and a lot of things that sort of inform Lampoon writers’ sensibility. But I was allowed to watch “SNL” if I stayed up late enough. And so, like, Maya Rudolph and, you know, Kenan Thompson and all those people meant a lot to me. And so the discussion definitely made me think more about representation and what it means in comedy.
And honestly, as a writer, I think we pay a lot of attention to the performative aspect of comedy, but as far as the number of performers go, there’s way more gender and race equality in performance of comedy than there has ever been in writing. Like, no one is paying attention to the fact that, like, there are absolutely, like, no people of color writing for – and, like, shows – a lot of shows that are predominately black don’t have any writers of color in the writers room. And to me, that’s insane, like, it’s 2013. And so those are sort of things that I get more riled up about.
+ It’s here! THEM, the first-ever trans* literary journal in the nation, is FINALLY HERE.
Founding editor Jos Charles sees the magazine as a form of resistance, with its publication aiming to create a space where trans* folks can interact and speak their minds—even when what they have to say is complicated and controversial. “Television, porn, literary journals, personal blogs, all propagate narratives and symbols about who trans* folks are,” says Charles. “Typically, folks like to conflate our differences and squeeze us all into one discernible narrative… Cis readers seem to really like seeing us [either] happy or dead. I would like THEM to be a place where that narrative can be upset—whether by exploring other stories or contextualizing the familiar ones.”
You can read it online.
Romi Tells The Truth to GO
It’s Christmas, and on Christmas you tell the truth. So here goes.
Bisexual Real L Word star Romi’s divorcing husband Dusty, and says she’s primarily interested in dating women and/or being single now.
F*ck This Shit
Just when you thought the world had failed you enough, you find out that two years ago Rachel Bradshaw-Bean was sent to disciplinary school for “public lewdness” because she’d reported her rape to the proper authorities, who also – by the by – failed to act.
Surprise! Women Make Diversity Happen
Well, it’s official. Bringing women into the boardroom sparks more gender diversity. This concludes today’s segment, Common Fucking Sense.
Dashing Through the Snow, in a One-Horse Open… Wait.
This snowperson bouncy house was spotted outside the Navy Pier in Chicago. Nothing to see here.
Just chillin’ like the typical snowperson it is, it’s just out to bring people joy and – wait a second.
THAT SNOWPERSON HAS A VAGINA, AND IT IS THE ENTRANCE TO THE BOUNCY HOUSE. And it’s all been confirmed by Jezebel.
According to my friend Julie who shared this photo, “The other awesome thing about this that you can’t see in the picture is that it was really hard and intimidating for the kids to get in the vagina because it was a huge wind tunnel. So a dude had to hold it open and they had to barrel in against the strong wind blowing out.”
Happy holigays, y’all.
Style Thief: Underwear Week Special Edition
Welcome to Underwear Week, a whole week dedicated to your favorite bum-hugging clothesthings. As we said many moons ago, we feel a lady is at her best when she’s not wearing pants. And while our last adventure around this neck of the woods took us only as far as boyshorts, this time around we’re exploring the vast and many-flavored land of underwear. From edible panties to hoopskirts and history, we’ve got you covered. Just like your underwear.
It’s Underwear Week! A very special week if there ever was one. To commemorate this holiday, I’ll be bringing you nine of my vary favorite queer celebrity lesbians (or gay-for-pay actress ladies) in their most lesbosexy underwear styles.
Jackie Warner
VIA JACKIEWARNER.COM
Are those technically shorts? Maybe, but I guarantee you there isn’t anything under them. Either way, Jackie Warner’s black sports bra and black boyshorts are an instant classic. Sometimes it’s really nice to be neutral of neutral. So whether you’re butch, small busted or even actually athletic, this look is as versatile as it is hot.
Jillian Michaels
JILLIAN MICHAELS
If you prefer something just femme of Jackie Warner’s look, Jillian Michaels offers up an equally hot option. Her shorts are shorter and her sports bra is, well, less functional, but her look remains athletic, simple and sexy.
Sara Ramirez as Callie Torres
http://youtu.be/2RrTQVBw-gQ
One of my top five TV moments of all time, Callie Torres’s underwear dance scene on Grey’s Anatomy cannot be appropriately appreciated in photographs alone. Callie Torres proves once again that there is potentially nothing on earth as sexy as someone dancing alone in a T-shirt and underwear.
Naya Rivera
NAYA RIVERA FOR FHM
Naya Rivera has blessed us with so many hot underwear looks that I had to feature her a second time. In a contrast to her usual matching set of balconette bras and panties, this look stands out because it’s just so real. For better or for worse, white cotton bikini-cut underwear is probably the go-to underwear for millions of women across the age spectrum. To me, there is something comforting and sexy in that alone. I wonder how many women out there right now are wearing white cotton bikini cut underwear and whatever shirt they wore to work that day.
Lindsay Lohan
LINDSAY LOHAN BY TERRY RICHARDSON FOR LOVE MAGAZINE
Lindsay Lohan is an excellent model who can work any look; however, there is something standout about this style. I love how her retro high-waisted underwear feels just a little bit queer. Yes, she is wearing the omnipresent virginal white satin lingerie set that was probably worn by plenty of our grandmothers back in the day. Still, no one really dresses like this anymore. With the exception of Spanx and other “shapewear” high-waisted underwear is largely a thing of the past. I think there’s something spectacularly sexy in reclaiming super high underwear as an option. It’s like pretending old world Hollywood glamour could ever be as good as we imagine and pretend it might have been. I know, starting off our underwear styles with Lindsay Lohan does feel a little bit like starting dinner with chocolate cake, but I promise the best is yet to come.
Romi Klinger
ROMI KLINGER PHOTOGRAPHED BY ROBIN ROEMER
If you’re not quite prepared to go full on retro Lindsay Lohan, Romi’s look offers an alternative that alludes to that same classic pin-up feel without having satin fabric all the way up your waist. That’s probably not going to work with most of your jeans. Romi’s mid-rise hipster-cut lace underwear is flattering and, in my personal opinion, outrageously comfortable. The stretchy lace removes the need for uncomfortable elastic waistbands and, with that, panty lines. She pairs it here with a similarly retro full coverage balconette bra, but it could just as easily be paired with anything black and lacy.
Beth Ditto
Never one to play it simple, Beth Ditto’s look is both clashing and coordinating. The bright purple and dark turquoise are unexpected yet complement each other so nicely. It’s easy to get stuck on ideas about what underwear should or shouldn’t look like. I think this is particularly true if you’re on the bustier or smaller side and feel like you have fewer options. I love this look because it reminds me that underwear doesn’t have to be all about perfectly matchy matchy tan, white, red or black lace sets. Underwear can be as patterned and crazy as anything else.
Kate Moennig
ICONIC
I have to be honest when I say this look is important to me. I know I probably sound silly, but I believe this underwear, and the whole slew of underwear Shane wore on the L Word, sends a very specific and earth shattering message. It says, “This is something I am wearing for the intentionally for the purpose of being attractive to queer women.” There can be no mistaking it. Yes, we also have “comfortable,” “athletic,” “cute” and “sexy.” Those styles are no less queer or less attractive. Still, I have to admit I find something important and powerful in plain cotton whitey-tighties that sends such a strong singular message. Plus it’s really hot.
Underwear is personal, fun and for every ounce about fashion it’s an ounce about comfort. What all these awesome women have in common is that they own the skin they’re in and the skivvies they’re in too.
Sure you can always stick to your same old underwear, but there’s not reason not to try something new. No one will see it but you. Unless you want them to.
If there’s a queer style icon you’d like to see stripped down in Style Thief, send me an ASS message, ask on my formspring, or tweet me @Ohheyitslizz
Also. Also. Also. Google’s Back On Our Side and Other Stories We Missed This Week
It has been slow here in the land of Autostraddle. Most of the staff are away at A-Camp and the rest of us are moping in our respective offices/blanket fortresses, suffering from some major FOMO right now. Given that the world could be considered a big ol’ ball o’ suck right now, let’s speed through the bad news!
Pueblo city councillors tabled a motion that would have extended partner benefits to city workers in same-sex domestic partnerships. Even though it looked like it would pass (5-1!), it was still tabled as the 56k price tag to tell gays that they are people just like everyone else was too high with a projected $5.8 million budget shortfall.
City Councilman Eric Ulrich VIA MARIELA LOMBARD FOR NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
Queens Republican Juan Reyes decided to act like a playground bully instead of an adult running for senate by calling out opponent Eric Ulrich for doing the unthinkable by being gay-friendly. In his mailer, Reyes shamed Ulrich for having dinner with his gay friends and hiring gay staffers. Gasp. Just remember y’all, if you ever wanna fit in with the GOP, you have to practice yelling illogical arguments instead of treating people like human beings.
Okay, enough with the bad news for now, there’s a lot of hope elsewhere!
Malta looks like it has a fine batch of potential politicians. Their National Youth Parliament had their session earlier this week and voted in favour of granting same-sex couples the ability to marry and adopt children. The leader for the “opposing party” made some statements that actual politicians need to hear.
If we are granting them the same rights because they are taxpayers like us, why should we place them even one millimetre below us?
My new hero via pravasitoday
Continuing with people-that-politicians-should-listen-to, Ban-ki Moon, the UN secretary, urged the organization to focus on LGBT issues at the HRC convention on Monday.
Third, I commend the progress made by the Council in various thematic debates.
In particular, I welcome the groundbreaking, first-ever intergovernmental discussion, in March this year, on discrimination and violence based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
This should not be a one-time event. I urge you to deepen your engagement on this issue so that protection and dignity truly reach all members of the human family.
Jerusalem is giving some people back their dignity as the Jerusalem Magistrate’s court ruled in favour of a lesbian couple that had been denied use of a wedding hall. Tal Ya’akovovich and Yael Biran had booked the reception with the Moshav Yad Hashmona events hall, but the owners reneged on the deal once they learned it was to celebrate a same-sex wedding. The court ordered the hall to pay the couple $15,000 and cover their legal fees since “a wedding reception hall is not a religious institution and must grant equal service to the public.”
This won’t happen anymore! VIA FRACTAL FACTOR
And of course, the Google gods are finally smiling upon bisexuals. BiNet announced that bisexual is no longer blocked in Google’s Instant Search algorithm, even though it’ll take some time to see the full effect. It’s about time they taught their Autocompleters to extend their vocab.
It looks like somebody released a music video with her husband. Rather than force you to watch that, I’ll remind you that Ladyhawke just started her North American tour on Saturday and I’ll spend my Friday trying to get over my A-Camp FOMO by dancing myself into a delerium.
Real L Word 309 Recap: Perfect Day For This Show To End With A Bang Bang Bang
Welcome to the ninth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a subversive and edgy late night soft core cable special about four or ten extraordinarily good-looking lesbians who live on one side of the country or the other side and enjoy taking pregnancy tests, drinking/singing, public nudity, trying on wedding dresses, recording insufferable pop music, Tour, puppies, talking about Romi, sitting at round tables with their parents while crying and saying really truly amazing things, such as:
Unfortunately for fans of slow water torture and fortunately for my state of mind, this episode was the very last episode of the season and was therefore jam-packed with trapeeze artists, key lime pie, days-of-the-week underpants, sex swings, spring flings, weddings and evil zombies! Let’s dig into it, shall we?
We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, and are immediately informed via large white block letters that it’s ONE MONTH LATER. Given the byzantine sense of timing employed by this show, “ONE MONTH LATER” is about as meaningless as the lyrics to Dusty & Romi’s first single.
after dolphins conquered the earth and took over Los Angeles
With the wedding merely two days away, Whitney and Sarahara have got heaps of eyebrows to pencil, vows to spell-check, flowers to arrange, small address labels to print and fights to have.
i told you i was gonna get a face tattoo, we can’t both get face tattoos, we already both have full body tattoos and that’s gonna be confusing enough for my mother
Whitney interviews:
Whitney: “I love that we’re going into our wedding with such harmonious energy. We literally want to kill each other.”
The wedding situation has transformed Whitney into a one-man Pride Comedy Jam. Meanwhile, Sarahara searches for her own limbs and soul beneath a giant sheet of white medical gauze or some lacy thing I can’t understand because I don’t have a gender identity.
Whitney: “I also think it’s weird you’re wearing a veil considering in no way are you virginal, or am I like lifting it like who is this virginal person I will be experiencing for the first time tonight?”
Sara: “You’re the one taking the symbolic part of it for heart. I’m wearing it for a fashion statement.”
and the statement is “i wanna fuck you like an animal”
This riveting conversation about hymens and fashion is interrupted by a text message from Mr. Whitney:
because tegan and sara would really like to be there
Oh my goddess, Whitney’s Dad is coming to the wedding! He’s a Hunter Valentine groupie and as soon as he heard that Kiyomi would be there, he booked a ticket. Just kidding! There was a sale on Priceline. Just kidding! Maybe he found a mask to protect him from Ilene Chaiken and no longer fears the camera stealing his soul.
Cut cross-country to the post-apocalyptic industrial wasteland of New York, New York, where The Hunter Valentine Band is eagerly auditioning new hipsters with bangs to fill the void left by Somer’s absent hips and bangs.
Kiyomi: “Just so you know you’re auditioning right now too.”
Vero: “Always auditioning! When am I gonna make the band?“
what do you say we just get naked and wrestle and whoever wins gets to pick the fourth member
Basically it’s like American Idol but with only one contestant. Her name is Aimee (not Aimee Mann! I thought that too though, obvs) and she’s an “amazing musician” from Toronto.
hey hey guess what i’m gay
Aimee plays bass, I think? But Somer played keyboard. But also I don’t understand music. Three guitars? I assume they’re establishing a mariachi band to play Feliz Compleaños at Chi-Chi’s.
Luckily my G-Chat viewing companion Laneia is totally unhelpful about this:
Laneia: basically the 4th member HAS to have black hair and bangs
Riese: yeah what role is she filling
somer played keyboard
Laneia: i’m confused but also i think you can reach certain notes maybe using a guitar??
ergh idk it’s like watching fish talking about swimming
like, ok
Riese: yeah
like if i wanted to swim
i would swim
The Valentines are impressed with Aimee’s skills, as well as her “energy” and the fact that she seems “positive and comfortable with herself,” which I believe also qualifies her for the Dove Real Beauty© Campaign.
i’m going to grandmother’s house and i’m taking a mini-duck, two bottles of whiskey, and an aimee
Kiyomi interviews that Aimee’s got touring experience. Somer didn’t have touring experience, apparently, and it “showed in a major way” ’cause Somer didn’t understand the rules of the road, like “thou must suck face with regional strangers” and “that’s not the band’s repair.”
Kiyomi: “How attached to Toronto are you?”
Aimee: “I have a cat, and that’s about it.”
“You nailed it,” says Kiyomi. “Just don’t nail anybody in the band and you’ll be okay.” Hey-o!
but honestly she’s a total bitch and would be much happier in the wild
Smear across 2,777 miles of vast unexplored swaths of land to sunny yet sketchy Los Angeles, California, where Romi Flinger, as evidenced by the giant chunk of heterosexual lifestyle hair stolen from Kid Rock currently snaking down her back, has left the world of lesbianism forever to worship at the shrine of evil cis-male-privilege and The Dark Knight Dusty Ray.
ok let’s play the game again where we take turns telling the other how pretty they are
Romi: “As soon as me and Kelsey’s breakup, pretty much, I am in a relationship with Dusty.”
Suprise!
the backup knights of the apocalypse
In merely a month, Dromi and Rusty have fallen in love, which I believe is a similar sensation to falling down an endless tank of rice pudding while wrapped in latex.
Romi: “When I was in the studio I didn’t know what the hell was gonna happen. At all. I didn’t think that we were gonna end up like this again, I mean it had been so long. But there are some people in your life that you meet and it just takes over everything about you. You can’t even control it, even if it’s the wrong time or the wrong place or the wrong situation. It was just inevitable, you can’t put me and Dusty together without us being in love. And we have a history together, it’s not like we just met. And I just wanna like put my heart back into Dusty.”
That’s not all she wants to put back into Dusty HEY-O BUTTSEX!
and then, where my heart used to be in my chest, put some kind of shiny broach or something
Romi, having confused “the institution of marriage” with “staying in touch with another human,” explains that they’ve gotta marry or else may lose each other.
Romi: “I don’t ever wanna lose him again and I know that he doesn’t ever wanna lose me again and we spent six years apart and we just are so in love, it’s stupid.”
Laneia: i cannot roll my eyes hard enough
Riese: i had to put in new eyes
mine fell out when i saw romi’s extensions
Laneia: it is stupid
she’s right abt that at least
I wish they’d just gone with something more like this:
Now that they’ve spent two seconds discussing their options, it’s time to call Mom and inform her that Dusty and Romi wanna make this nonsense permanent.
and then we’re gonna get a puppy and maybe a frappuchino!
Romi: “Um, Dusty and I are getting married!”
Mom: “Like, you’re kidding right?”
Romi: “No, like we’re gonna get married.”
Mom: “What?”
Romi: “We’re gonna get married!!
Mom: “Dusty.”
Romi hands the phone to The Slice of Man.
Dusty: “We love each other so much.”
Mom: “You’re like serious? I can’t wait. What is happening, like for real, do you know what I’m saying? Marriage is for real.”
Romi: “We’re gonna do it!”
Mom: “You guys seriously, this is a serious thing and you’ve talked about it and you understand the commitment.”
Romi: “Yup!”
Mom: “Okay.”
Well, that was easier than this:
Elsewhere in gorgeous yet often sweltering hot Los Angeles, California, Lamanda are moving objects around in hopes of shipping half of said objects to The Grande Apple and keeping half in the garage. That’s right, they’re moving back to New York City, which means New York won the “New York vs. Los Angeles” Challenge this season. Good work everybody!
Lauren: “I’m so exited to be moving back to new york, it’s just gonna be incredible to like, re-learn the city, go back to my favorite places, go back to my favorite places and do it all with my fabulous girlfriend, Kiyomi.”
Storage Wars would lose their shit over this bondage chair:
my safeword was “dirty knees”
Amanda: “I think we need a box just for sex toys.”
Lauren: “Oh no we have some there. It’s too much of a pain to carry back and forth.”
Amanda interviews that despite her plans to return to The City, she and the ex aren’t back in the saddle, ’cause the ex has other ponies to ride. Amanda tells Lauren that she doesn’t want her ex to think she’s coming back to the city just for her.
ehhh i dunno, when she fucks me with that thing i feel it more in my upper abs
Amanda: “I don’t wanna give the satisfaction of me thinking that I’m going there to be with her, you know?”
Lauren: “So why don’t you tell her you’re not going, and then go anyway? And if she sees you out, just be like, Hey, I’m visiting.”
Amanda: “Well, that’s really retarded. Why would I do that?”
They’ve got this Paris/Nicole circa Season One of The Simple Life thing going on, these two.
Elsewhere in the bright futurescape of Los Angeles, California, Whitney and Sarahara are prepping for their Special Day with Mama and Papa Bettencourt.
yup yup everyone puts their keys in this bowl, that’s why it’s called a key party
Whitney and Sarahara have managed to muster up a large photograph of their photogenic faces for the family to admire.
so this is what you kids have been doing with all your free time, huh?
Sarahara notes that her Mom is looking sad and removed and at first one might assume she’s just depressed that the happy couple didn’t hire Robin Roemer to photograph their wedding, but then one might realize Sarahara’s Mom is just sad about Sarahara being a homo:
Sara: “Mom, can you tell me if you feel better about this wedding?”
Mrs.Sara: “Still, I’m thinking. You don’t need to be married.”
Sara: “Why? I don’t deserve the same rights as my sister or you and Dad, why? My love is not as good as your love?”
Mrs.Sara: “Yeah, of course.”
Sara: “Well, then that’s sad for you to say that.”
for example i’ve heard good things about domestic partnerships
Mrs.Sara: “But that’s what I’m still thinking, you know.”
Sara: “You want me to be happy because you love me.”
Mrs.Sara: “Yeah I want you to be happy Sara, but you can be happy anyway.”
Sara: “Yeah that makes me happy and I deserve that just like you and everybody else.”
Just imagine if Sara had called to say that she’d gotten back together with Whitney a month ago and they were gonna go get married at Circus Circus! LOL!
it’s okay i still kinda love you
Sara interviews that when she’s already so nervous about the wedding it doesn’t help that her Mom would rather be at The Hollywood Wax Museum.
Real L Word 308 Recap: Premonitions Sure Are Dreamy And Disturbing
Hello and welcome to the eighth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour reality program following nine real women who hoard dead cats, use 765 coupons to obtain 675 boxes of Kraft Dinner for 49 cents, are addicted to hillbilly heroin, dress their 4-year-old daughters in sexy cowboy outfits for Lil’ Miss Pageants, compete against a large group of really stupid guys on steroids for the love of one bisexual centerfold, transform a basket filled with spam and garlic cloves into an award-winning dessert and talk about themselves.
L to R: Dusty, Romi
Reader, this has been a batshit crazy week of television! First this…
…then this…
… then this…
…and now this!
Let’s get started!
We open in sultry Los Angeles, California, where Whitney, Sarahara and Lauren are imbibing alcoholic beverages in a crazy sexy cool hot nightspot environment called “JUICY CLUB LA,” probably named after Juicy Juice, because isn’t everything.
ready for a three-peat
So, Lauren informs Sarahara and Whitney that she’s taking a red-eye to New York City, which’s insane, because when you take a red-eye you’ve got two choices: 1. drink coffee upon awakening to keep you alert, pleasant and conscious throughout your journey to and within the airport and then face the unseemly side effect of not being able to sleep on the flight, 2. don’t drink coffee upon awakening and feel like holy hell all the way there, inevitably wait for hours as your plane is delayed and delayed, but then sleep peacefully on the flight. I don’t know which one Lauren’s gonna do, especially since instead of talking about this quandary, she’s talking about Kiyomi!
Whitney and Sarahara have a vacation prediction:
there’s also a slight possibility you could fall down a well
Sara: “I feel like Kiyomi has Lauren in the palm of her hand right here just “doo doo doo” hanging out.”
honey i shrunk the cast
Sara: “You gotta keep em guessing, you know?”
Whitney: “Give ’em little tastes. We gave each other little tastes for three years before we chomped and look at us now, we’re a month away from walking down the aisle!”
Whitney asks Lauren if she’s gonna move to New York and then puts bets on “Kiyomi’s moving here,” ’cause people in Los Angeles always think everybody’s gonna move there. To be fair, it seems like everybody has moved there.
We thus ricochet cross-country to somewhere in Brooklyn during a crucial period in our nation’s history, where Kiyomi and Laura are hitting up a bar to watch Vero scale new heights of sexiness in her surprise role as “bartender.” No wait never mind, they’re there to talk about themselves:
Kiyomi: “The band is really moving at a rapid pace and as soon as the record is out we’re gonna be really busy and we don’t have time to slow down for someone who is sort of wishy washy for where they wanna be in the band.”
cause i was hoping to talk about her for a bit before actually talking to her
Mhm. It’s Somer Fry-day. They’ve decided to boot Somer from the band and they’re gonna tell her at the meeting tomorrow. Vero asks if it’s gonna be an ultimatum, but nope — it’s just gonna be an order.
but nothing’s as hard as being a green valentine
I’ve been anti-this-conflict since the start ’cause Kiyomi was obnoxious and I love Somer so much, but suddenly this week watching this episode something clicked and I finally “got it” and understood where Kiyomi and Laura are coming from because I realized I could relate their experience to my own experiences here at Autostraddle! It doesn’t matter how awesome or talented somebody is when you’re doing shit like this, ’cause that’s not all it takes — when you’re in charge of a operation that consumes all your time, has negatively impacted most of your relationships, requires heaps of magical thinking, barely pays the bills if it pays anything at all and is in an industry in which 99% of attempters fail — you come to require so much blind faith that anybody who isn’t stark raving mad about your project keeps you up at night. Everybody at the table needs to have something serious at stake, something that prevents them from leaving. “Blind faith” is right up there with “butter” as one of the primary ingredients for Keeping the Dream Alive Cupcakes. It’s not that Somer hasn’t shown interest in the band or doesn’t add an awesome sound to it, it’s that Somer hasn’t shown borderline-psychotic passion for and obsession with the band, and that’s what the band needs, to be everybody’s unconditional first priority.
Anyhow, then Somer shows up and she and Kiyomi sneak off to a corner for some close-talking.
it’s just there’s this girl romi who says her dream has always been to play an instrument on a stage and because she’s a celesbian and everything, we have to take her up on that
Kiyomi and Somer discuss the intricacies of their friendship:
Somer: “I just want things between us to be right and they’re not right right now.”
Kiyomi says they’ll chat about it tomorrow because the sun’ll come out tomorrow, so you better hang on ’til tomorrow!
Sidenote: when we got to this part of the episode on Thursday night, I began panicking that Laneia had yet to pop up on G-chat to watch with me.
Riese: LANNEEEIAAAAAAAAAAAA
Laneia: HI
sorry my cable reset itself
fuck
Riese: jeez
Laneia: we’ve been trying to fix it
Riese: you have missed SO MUCH
Laneia: the internet and everything
DAMN IT
what
Riese: no jk, nothing has happened yet
Laneia: i have to call cox and fix it
megan has taken to making me a vodka tonic
We cut to the darkest deepest chambers of Douchebagville, where The King of the Douchebags is entertaining his new suitor, Romi Flinger.
once again the answer to the question “who’s at the door” is romi
Romi the pop star’s preparing to shoot her first music video by learning how to sing — just kidding! She’s gonna wing it. Anyhow, you know when you’re hugging somebody you wish you were fucking and you are acutely aware of the alignment of your private parts and how every limb in your body can feel every limb in their body and you feel like if you keep hugging like this forever, it’d basically become sex by default? That’s how Dusty and Romi hug.
and by “work” i mean “play”
Laneia: what’s romi wearing
besides a runway of rouge
Riese: a hoodie
and a winter hat
Laneia: is it december there
Romi interviews regarding her Passion for Music:
or really any raised surface of any kind where people will feel a social obligation to look at me and listen to me talk
In addition to always wishing she could be a basketball player, President of the United States, a movie star, Queen of the World, editor of Vogue, One Of Those Bloggers Who Just Writes About Herself All Day In Her Underpants While Bathing in Millions of Google Adsense Dollars And Then Gets a Book Deal, a fashion designer, Starfleet Captain, an FBI agent, a filmmaker or the owner of a Really Cute Bakery, Romi dreams of pop stardom:
Romi: “I love music, I love making songs, I like performing, I love being on stage. I would just love to be able to sing and get paid to do it.”
Romi perches atop the couch singing her new hit single with Dusty. Romi’s reading the lyrics off her Blackberry, which makes me insane ’cause it’s totally unfair that I’ve already accidentally memorized the lyrics to this g-dforsaken song and Romi hasn’t, and it’s HER SONG. I cannot get this shit out of my head.
romi has fooled us all into thinking she’s reading lyrics from her phone when she’s really just taking instagram pictures for “dustyandromi.tumblr.com in beta”
Romi interviews about her Amazing Artistic Connection to Dusty Ray and what each uber-talented megastar brings to the table besides L.A. Cool and gravity-defying hair:
Romi: “It’s a great team because Dusty is an amazing songwriter who’s very talented, I wanna sing, I can’t write a song to save my life, but guess what I have a really great following and a lot of publicity. So, you give me a song to sing, and I’ll give you people who will listen to it.”
i mean, “ooh la la?” you think that shit just pops into just anybody’s head? No. That’s the work of a true artist. Don’t even get me started on “Dirty Knees”
Laneia’s cable is still broken at this point —
Riese: omg i can’t believe romi just said what she said
Laneia: i’m dying
this is really irritating WHAT DOES THE UNIVERSE HAVE AGAINST ME WATCHING THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW
i’m on hold with cox listening to the musak version of a foreigner song
Basically, Romi and Dusty Ray have now added “being obsessed with each other” to their already arduous schedules “being obsessed with themselves.”
let’s cut the bullshit and just write a song that goes like “memememememememememememe”
It’s wild, dude! When they jam together, it’s like unicorns having buttsex:
Dusty: “Music is a part of her like it is for me, so when we get together, it’s just like a constant rolling thing, like songs come out, we sing, we mix, we play, and for someone who hasn’t been in the studio before, like she can do anything already, so that’s just like so much fun, you know?”
this is how they transfer energy to each other, like E.T. but not cute
You guys. EW! Just, ew! My feelings about this scene are best expressed by utilizing the graphics fourfour made when Nicole won America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 5:
+
I mean honestly.
Before departing, Romi and Dusty share yet another sex-hug:
call your girlfriend, it’s time you had the talk
At this point, I would like to quote The Daily Fill Dot Com: “Reality TV stars refuse to learn a very simple lesson: being famous does not mean you can also make music. No amount of money or lip syncing can make up for a complete lack of musical ability, but unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped countless reality stars from trying (and failing) to launch a music career.”
This seems to be what always happens in later seasons of successful reality shows — the “cast member tries to extend their 15 minutes” storyline replaces whatever storylines made that cast member interesting in the first place.
For example:
i did way too much research for this graphic
Now we travel forward in time and emotional resonance to a magical therapist’s office undoubtedly located in or around Los Angeles, California. Charlie’s initial due date is coming up and the girls have feelings.
Laneia: have kacorcy gotten pregnant yet
Riese: they’re in therapy right now
Laneia: i might as well just slam my head against the wall
Cori, much like you and me and everyone we know, has jealousy issues with facebook.
Cori: “Seeing pregnant people on my Facebook, like seeing everybody pregnant and all that, that’s hard… it brings like this ugliness, like it makes me jealous and I’m struggling with that and then I’m mad at myself, and I should be happy for these lucky women, but I’m jealous, and it’s hard.”
The therapist drops a gallon of truth serum onto them — and onto me, too, actually, I mean, this is good advice:
Therapist: “But jealousy really is anger. I mean it brings up your anger that it can’t be you, so what you’re talking about is normal, it’s a feeling that you have to have, just like your sadness.”
Cori: “I try to distract myself a lot, but i’m so angry at my body. “
They want to acknowledge Charlie’s Birth-Day somehow, do something for it. Maybe move towards closure, if there is such a thing when things like this happen.
We starsweep all the way across the United States of America to Brooklyn, New York, where a group of carpet-munching rockstars are assembling for a meeting. Somer’s there first, obviously, with Kiyomi and Laura lagging behind:
don’t think twice, it’s alright
The ladies settle in and Laura and Kiyomi sharpen their knives, lick their lips, and dig in:
Kiyomi: “The first thing to talk about that’s the most obvious thing is the elephant in the room, is that you know we decided that we were gonna make a decision whether you were gonna commit to the band or whether the band was gonna commit to you, what the right thing to do was after the tour, at this point we’re feeling like it might not be the right fit because of all the things that we have gone through and I hope that we could figure this out in the most respectful and positive way.”
Damn.
this would be a good time to tell you that the black cups contain coffee and your white cup is basically an arsenic latte
Kiyomi: “At this point in Hunter Valentine there is no room to slow down, eight years in the making and it’s gotta keep going full force.”
Somer: “I don’t wanna slow that down by my decision or my inability to be on tour.”
Kiyomi’s slightly relieved that Somer seems to “get it,” but is also sad. Meanwhile, Somer interviews that much like an attractive well-jawed and deceptively tiny jungle animal, she feels ambushed:
Somer: “It’s not only disappointing and frustrating but a little bit heartbreaking, it felt a little bit like an ambush, and I wish we could’ve had more of a conversation and maybe we could’ve seen what we could fix and move forward and maybe do something awesome together as a band.”
especially the part where 12 soldiers jumped out of a bush, pinned me to the ground and took me hostage as a war captive
The band agrees that they want Somer recording the album with them but then that’ll be that. And even if Somer wasn’t one hundred percent about the band on the run, it still hurts to have somebody else make that decision for you, and unexpectedly, too.
three ways of looking at kiyomi
Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metro area, Sarahara is tittering about the room in a lacy headscarf, straightening chairs and looking at the wall as Whitney sits on the couch, demonstrating how to finger a detachable vagina I MEAN sticking her finger in and out of her ring, asking Sara if maybe she shouldn’t wear it ’til the ceremony, lest it lodge itself in Sarahara’s cervix, causing her to birth tiny golden dragons.
hey hey my eyes are up here
The topic of this scene is that the wedding’s a month away and they’ve yet to plan anything, which’s befuddling — like really? They haven’t sent out invitations yet? Last week I got an invite to a wedding taking place in the Spring of 2013, for Christ’s sake.
Whitney: “I’m more of a planner, you know Sara kinda likes to fly by the seat of her pants.”
hello excuse me i’m here for my “save the date” invite as promised
Apparently they’ve yet to invite people, get outfits, taste cake, replace the chandelier, do a BevMo run, shoot me in the face, audition flower girls or find a DJ. West Hollywood is teeming with lesbian DJs so that shouldn’t be a problem. But you know what is a problem? THE FACT THAT “WEDDING PLANNING” HAS RE-EMERGED AS A “TOPIC” ON THIS SHOW.
Whitney: “Alright — what are you doing?”
Sara: “Baby, I’m getting addresses.”
Whitney: “All I know is that you’re —”
Sara: “Baby, trust me, okay? I’m making headway here.”
Whitney: “I understand you’re making headway except for the fact that all I’m saying is that you’re hopping from Facebook to sending things to color schemes to —”
Sara: “So what? That’s how I work. Is there a particular way you’d like me to do it? How is that, please tell me.”
Whitney: “Yes, organized.”
Sara: “Cool. Don’t piss me off.”
can’t you tell, that’s why i’m wearing my headway headscarf
All this thinking has left Sarahara exhausted and Whitney frustrated.
Sara: “Planning a wedding is exhausting and we’ve got tons of work to do.”
Whitney would like Sarahara to do some of this work, and the beat goes on…
Real L Word 307 Recap: Dream Come True, Nightmare Come Soon
Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the third season of The Real L Word, an hour-long teen drama centered on a tight-knit group of surprisingly artictulate friends growing up in the quaint seaside town of Capeside who carry on passionate teenaged affairs with one another, create terrible self-referential films, escape housefires and deal with Adult Issues like estranged parents, dead parents, divorced parents, re-married parents, sex, teacher-student affairs, mental illness, slut-shaming and homosexuality.
L to R: dusty, amanda, kiyomi, cori
I got the screencaps last night and have been immersed in this delightful program all day! My dearest love, Intern Grace, did not have time to create her clever image titles past the first few scenes, unfortunately, and this recap is kinda late, but it’s here now and that’s all that matters. We’re all here now.
We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, where Whitney and Sarahara are attempting to leave on a jet plane for Connecticut, where Whitney’s family lives, but their bag is overweight! Riveting stuff.
and uh, we don’t need an on-board meal because we already ate this morning if you know what i mean wink wink
After removing their medium-sized strap-on, their large strap-on, Sarahara’s Ashton-Drake realistic baby doll, the nightstick Whitney uses for cop/robbers role play, the bust of Ilene Chaiken she insists they bring with them everywhere they go, six identical copies of Infinite Jest, Sarahara’s five-gallon Caboodles and a small household cat, they’re good to go!
We cut to Lamanda’s Love Shack, where the Beautiful Party Princess Amazonian Lovergirl Lauren Bedford Russell wakes up to greet the morning but finds herself alone, yearning for Kiyomi’s soft futch touch and the gentle snap of her suspenders as they graze her skin and fall delicately to the floor, where someone recently spilled a beer. What am I even talking about anymore.
wishing those sexts came with more pics
Lauren sulks into the kitchen, adorned in her lady-love’s varsity jacket:
nothing but your t-shirt on
Lauren interviews that she’s still thinking about Kiyomi, in case you missed that whole thing from five seconds ago, and Amanda points out that Lauren’s been really wacky lately:
it looks good curly though, i mean, i’m just saying, i’ve just only seen it straight
We take a midnight train back to New York City, where Kiyomi is meeting up with Vero The Coolest Cucumber for cornbread, daisies, fight club, ping-pong, arsenic, hemp tattoos, babies and a heart-to-heart.
vero has been practicing her “pretending to listen to kiyomi” face
Obviously Lauren is on Kiyomi’s mind as well:
Kiyomi: “I feel like everything is happening really fast and I’m trying to, you know, take things slow, you know. We’re both really busy people in our careers, just gonna try and see each other when we can and see how it goes.”
Kiyomi interviews that part of her hesitation is because she’s just gotten out of this relationship with Ali, because now that she’s out of it, she can call it a relationship without hyperventilating. Vero is like, dude, she is way into you though:
Vero: “At Dinah Shore she told me something, she said something along the lines of I can see myself just being with her.”
Kiyomi: “She must have been loaded! No, I’m just kidding.”
Vero: “It sounds like she she really digs you.”
Regardless, Kiyomi is k-k-kinda busy:
honestly with these cameras around it’s been super hard for a girl to get her masturbation on
We then cut back to Lamanda in Los Angeles, still sitting in The Room With The Table In It, still talking about Kiyomi. Lauren points out that perhaps the distance will enable a more mature relationship as they’re unable to hang out all day every day until they lose all their friends and develop a false sense of intimacy and understanding that cannot possibly exist until you’ve known someone for a really long time. But also, she’s never done long distance, and also it’s not a relationship yet but also —
Lauren: “It’s like crazy to talk about it right now, you know?”
Amanda: “Yet you’re like talking about it constantly to the point where I wanna like gouge my eyes out with a fork.”
don’t we all
And SCENE.
Somewhere else on a planet far far away but probably in the Los Angeles Metro Area, it’s Kacy’s Mom’s turn on the Meet The Parents Tour. Kacy interviews that since retiring, her Mom’s become super-awesome: she drives long distances, enjoys golf and is a Great Source of Love and Comfort.
kacy dear, i’ve been watching season two of that show you’re on, and i have some questions for you about claire and vivian’s relationship if you have a minute after we’re done talking about this baby stuff
Mom asks how Cori is holding up and Kacy admits that “sometimes I think she’s doing better than I am.”
Kacy: “I think everybody expects to be really gentle with her, and they think I’m fine.”
Mrs.Kacy: “Well, that’s so crappy.”
Kacy: “It is pretty crappy.”
Mrs.Kacy: “You have to tell people, I’m hurting too.”
This show’s done a great job of showing that Kacy is hurting too, but it’s unsurprising that perhaps her friends haven’t noticed it themselves. Often butch or masculine lesbians are handled like men are handled when it comes to emotional situations — expected to be The Protector somehow immune to The Feelings, and probably moreso in this case because it was Cori who carried the baby. But pro tip: butches cry too.
Mrs. Kacy tells Kacy that she had a hard time getting preggers too — ten years, four miscarriages — but she never had to carry the baby to term, like Cori did. Mrs. Kacy says what we’re always thinking every episode every single week, which’s that it’s mega-inspirational to watch how losing Charlie brought KayCor closer together rather than driving them further apart. Kacy says that they’re ready to try again.
It’s true, there’s so much more now. Because when her first sibling is born, Charlie won’t be their last child anymore. She’ll be their first.
Starsweep cross-country to cloudy Connecticut, where Whitney and Sarahara have traveled to participate in the next stop on The Real L Word’s Meet the Parents Coming Out World Tour — this time Grandma’s in the hot seat. She’s 92 years old and also awesome.
whitney and grandmother prior to their gang initiation ceremony
Whitney gathers ’round the table with Grandma, Sarahara, Mom, a bottle of wine and captivating conversation:
and i first saw the trees! The Truffula Trees! The bright-colored tufts of the Truffula Trees! Mile after mile in the fresh morning breeze
Whitney interviews that as a kid, when her family split up and money was low, Whitney and her Mom moved in with Grandma so Grandma is really important, just like Sookie Stackhouse’s Gran and Jen Lindley’s Grams.
Whitney’s never directly addressed The Gay Thing with Grandmother and now she’ll be delivering the double-whammy of Gay and Engaged. Whitney’s nervous and taking it slow:
that’s what she said
How will Grandmother react?
Will she react like this? 
+
I hope it’s not like this:
+
Or like this:
Hopefully it won’t be anything like this, either:
+
Ideally, it will go something like this:
Whitney’s gonna break the big news during dinner, for which she’s invited her childhood pal Tiffany who accidentally steals the scene when she announces during dinner that she and her boyfriend Luigi are getting married.
he’s leaving the super mario brothers for this, so it’s pretty serious.
She’s basically marrying the second-most-popular video game character of all time! Sarahara cannot compete with this holy union!
wedding invitation mockup
Despite all the love in the air, Whitney fails to announce her engagement:
Whitney: “Basically everything is like engagement engaged discuss and I for some reason am not going there at all, I was avoiding it like the plague.”
Cut to somewhere else in the universe, probably Venus or Pluto or The Inferno, where Romi’s meeting up with some alternatively coiffed ladies named Mercado and Erika to discuss her latest adventure in self-referential commerce: Romi’s gonna become a pop star and would like “her own song.”
i mean imagine how cute my face would look on this mug
These chicks are gonna make her music video for this song she hasn’t recorded or heard yet.
At this moment in the recap I would like to introduce a new device, which’s “copy/pasting g-chats I had with (Autostraddle Executive Editor) Laneia during the show.”
Laneia: she looks like a twelve-year-old’s take on what a hip hop starlet would wear
Riese: fur coat
baseball cap
oh she’s practically nicki minaj
what the fuck does this chick think she’s doing with that haircut and that fur
Romi’s had just about enough of established musicians like Rihanna and Madonna stealing the stage at her club appearances. Why’s she wasting her time introducing other people’s music when she could be introducing her very own song?
Romi: “I do a lot of club appearances, and I think it would be nice to have something that was mine, now I’m trying to have fun with another creative side of me.”
and while we’re at it, i’ve also always wanted a pony, too
Romi interviews that her Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a songwriter/producer and used to write songs in the car, which’s basically like Romi growing up on Bob Dylan’s lap. My Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a high school track coach and you don’t see me doing sprints in the backyard, but whatever. Romi also claims to have experienced the completely unique and totally remarkable sensation of wishing she was the one on stage while watching other humans perform musically.
no i just wanna do the like, lip syncy thingie that britney does, can you make that happen
Romi: “My thing to every work opportunity right now is YES.”
It’s also her answer to every ex-boyfriend, coincidentally — Romi plans on laying down her slick beats with none other than the world-famous Dusty Ray of my favorite tumblr, dustyandromi dot tumblr dot com!
Once upon a time, Romi was just the rock star’s girlfriend, drooling in the front row with her Miracle Bra and chunky rings and whiskey flask but we’ve all grown/changed so much since then, haven’t we?
in my face
Erika and Mercado are concerned regarding Romi’s mike-holding skills. I’m sure Jay could testify that she’ll do just fine with it.
this is not how you hold a microphone
Romi interviews that she dated Dusty Ray six years ago.
Riese: 6 years ago?
um, i thought that she hadn’t dated men in 8 years
Laneia: she is such a raging twat
Riese: seriously do the people who make this show think we’re total idiots?
i’m not being hyperbolic this is a a real question
she said it’d been eight years since she dated a guy like two episodes ago
Laneia: puppppyyyy
Real L Word Episode 306 Recap: Lost In A Bush (That’s What She Said!)
Hello and welcome to the sixth recap of the third season of Showtime’s hit series, The Real L Word, a 30-minute sitcom about a spunky young girl with pigtails, day-glo leggings and multi-colored outfit situations who is abandoned in a Chicago shopping center by her mother and subsequently adopted by Henry, the kindly manager of the building she’d found to squat in. Eventually she opens a hoppin’ burger establishment at the local mall and throughout the series deals with tough pre-teenage and teenage issues such as buying your first bra, being a tomboy, bullies, getting trapped in an old refrigerator, dodging Child Protective Services and fighting swamp monsters.
L to R: Whitney, Amanda, Lauren & Romi (the dog in the middle ate everybody’s little dog so he represents all the little dogs)
I don’t know about y’all, but I’m ready to rock this recap! Not really, I’d really rather discuss how the fuck True Blood is gonna wrap up their crazy-ass season in next week’s finale, right? Jesus. Also we interviewed Lauren and Amanda, a.k.a. “Lamanda.”
Anyhow, this week The Real L Word treated us to yet another Dinah Shore-centric hour of sapphic solipsism, in which someone curled up and took a nap on wet asphalt, someone twisted her ankle stepping off a curb, someone passed out on the bathroom floor for three hours mid-day and someone met Miley Cyrus at The Coffee Bean. Hey, who wants to see a sexy picture of Vero?
Sorry about the lateness of this recap, Intern Grace had a special weekend which led to me not getting all the screencaps ’til this morning (Monday), and also because of the cram she didn’t have time to give them all cute names. We apologize and have nothing but love for you and each other forever and ever as so it was written, amen.
We open in the sweltering wildlands of Palm Springs, California, where an enormous group of intoxicated lesbians are enjoying each other’s nipples while rocking softly to the beat of insufferable pop music. Also, Kacy and Cori are re-entering the world they’ve shunned for many moons in the most violent way possible.
DINAH!
whaddya say we bust this popstand and go emotionally eat at in-and-out instead
Kacy notes that Dinah appears to be “like a club” but “during the day.”
Kacy: “It was a little bit like walking into an alternate universe.”
Cori: “Where men did not exist, and neither did clothes. I felt out of place with my clothes on.”
Tell it like it is, Nikki Weiss:
oh no she wouldn’t
The two well-insulated ladies make their way through the hordes of women not dressed for winter and are stopped by Real L Word fans who wanna take pictures with The Celesbians Kacy and Cori. Oh wait — is everybody here clear on the definition of “Celesbian”? Let me refresh your memory:
and a bluebird is a bird that’s blue
Get it? Okay, good. So, as I was saying, Cori & Kacy are spotted by fans amid the throngs of gyrating g-strings and roped into a Kodak Moment.
hot pink bikini is going to tag the hell out of this photograph
And thus KayCor are forced to grapple with the inevitable questions:
Fan #1: “I’m planning on getting pregnant myself.”
Cori: “Really?”
Fan #1: “But like, when we saw that episode with you guys doing like, that thing, like did it work?”
[awkward pause]
Cori: “Uh, it did work. I lost her at five months.”
Fan #1: “Oh G-d, that’s the worst feeling in the world, I can’t imagine.”
Fan #2: “But keep trying.”
Womp womp.
Back in Le Chateau De Lamanda & Whitney & Sarahara, Sara and Lauren are sticking colored pencils into their eyeballs while Amanda informs Lauren that she heard from a girl who heard from another girl who heard from Hunter Valentine that Kiyomi lives with her girlfriend. But Lauren heard from Kiyomi herself that the “thing” with Ali is “sorta done.”
Amanda: “But every girl says that.”
Lauren: “Duh! It’s not like I’m like ‘Oh! I believe you!’“
duh, everybody knows that it’s really not butter
Amanda won’t let it go and Lauren reassures her that she’ll get this whole fascinating mess cleared up, and Whitney says that as Lauren’s friend she’ll support whatever decision she makes. That’s easy for Whitney to say ’cause unlike Amanda, she hasn’t ever found her arm halfway up Lauren’s vaginal canal… yet.
remember what i told you about how to get on season four and everything will be okay, grasshoppers
Everybody laughs and explodes and turns into ghost ninjas.
and the scent of kiyomi’s vagina lingered all day long
Meanwhile, Kacy and Cori are still perched precariously on the lips of the mouth of hell, wondering what the hell they’re doing at Dinah Shore.
Kacy: “It’s not that I’m not happy to be here but it’s just like, I would rather be at the hospital, exhausted, knowing that in a month we were gonna have a baby.”
Cori: “I feel it too, it’s hard. We’re not where we’re supposed to be.”
Kacy: “We can get there.”
Cori: “Dinah!”
Kacy: “I wonder if anybody else is having the same conversation that we’re having right now.”
Cori: “I think we’re the biggest Debs here.”
but only because claire didn’t show up
At this point, the couple makes the only decision one can really make under such circumstances:
Kacy: “We’re gonna drink through it.”
coincidentally, this happens to be the exact strategy i employ to endure watching this show
Kacy takes one sip of what’s likely a $9 cup of fruit punch and basement-shelf tequila, declares it horrible and then declares herself drunk. Let’s rock!
helloooo instagram
We then return to the Main Pool Area, where Somer and Donna are smooching, Laura’s carrying Vero around like a baby kangaroo, Sara’s kissing Amanda, and Somer is doing her very best to adapt to her surroundings.
play her like a guitar
I believe Dinah is especially challenging for New Yorkers, who would never, not ever, not in a million trillion bazillion years, intentionally attend an event of this nature on their home soil.
here kiss me before kiyomi sees us and tries to talk to us
Based on the six years I lived in New York City, I’d say that many New York lesbians tend to be the type that haven’t bothered buying a swimsuit in five years and only dig out the two-piece when somebody forgets how long it took to get to Coney Island last summer and ropes everyone in to a repeat excursion.
Somer: “Dinah, it’s not normally you know, my bag of tea or whatever — cup of tea? I don’t drink tea.”
smoking tea, on the other hand
But Somer’s happy to be there ’cause of the Hunter Valentine gig. Laura asserts that Hunter Valentine plans on rocking everybody’s bras off, which sounds neat.
and then sell the nice ones on ebay
Back on The Other Part of The Dinah Pool Party Area, Romi & Kelsey show up and are greeted with open arms by KayCor, who ask how the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game went and Romi explains how, once again, the universe’s axis lay between Romi’s legs and the entire world just revolved around her, being mean, like witches sticking carrots in people’s faces.
Romi: “Lauren signed up to go on a date with [Kelsey].”
[pauses, dramatically]
Romi: “They set us up. I’m like, can you guys get away? Why are you always there? and I just stood there watching the girl that I hate sign up to go on a date with my girlfriend…. it’s just — the nicest way to put it is that they’re very bully-ish.”
Kelsey: “They’re just bullies guys, it’s really sad.”
i don’t even bring pop-tarts in my lunch anymore because what’s the point, they always steal them
Romi interviews that she’s so glad Kacy & Cori are at Dinah, ’cause it’s nice to be around a “nice couple.” The implication is that Romi is nice and mature, and all the other girls are bitchy and immature, which is a valid point (about the bitchiness and the immaturity), but also who gives a fuck.
Meanwhile, said bitchy girls are exploring the swelling sexual tension inherent in every group of mojito-scented Dos-Equis-chugging hot lesbians in bikinis!
sara just saved 25 cents on q-tips
Lauren: “I don’t know why I’m sucking on Sara’s earlobes but Dinah fever is in me.”
Sara comes in her pants and Whitney’s pumped for “a big orgy later tonight.” The theme will be “The Story of O.”
Whitney: “I’m kinda turned on by the thought of you [Sara] getting it into Amanda, not gonna lie.”
but i’ve also been known to get off from stretching at the gym, so really it’s anybody’s game
Cori is wasted and stuffs her head into Kacy’s bosom and all is sunshine and beauty.
Cut to a number of hours earlier and later wherein it’s time for Hunter Valentine’s performance! Romi spies the band preparing to perform and is disturbed by their presence.
do you see that rock band, david? you know they’ve never been friends to me or mother. not one hello from them, not since jackie died
Romi interviews that she doesn’t know who Hunter Valentine is. I hope they know who Romi is, ’cause she hates it when people don’t know who she is.
Romi: “…based on the fact that they are friends with Lauren and Whitney and Sara, G-d knows what they said about me, so I’m not gonna walk in and watch somebody perform that’s just gonna think I’m like, this bitch.”
in which romi and kelsey are letting the terrorists win
One of the many hazards of Being The Center Of the Universe is that at rock concerts, all the musicians are really thinking about is you, because duh, everybody is thinking about you. Like you wish you could just enjoy a performance but the performers are like, obsessed with you. You know? That’s what it’s like to be Romi, the Atlas Of the Modern World.
Romi dramatically yanks Kelsey through the crowd like she’s Justin Bieber and zips into her room, anxious to the max. “Let’s just order,” she says. Music to my ears!
this is hands down also my favorite place to be during dinah shore
Oh, these are ladies after my own heart, really. I love hotels and 95% of the time would rather be drinking/laughing/smoking with my friends in a hotel room, rolling around on sheets we’re not responsible for laundering, than be outside in the sticky-sweaty sunshine with People Who Enjoy Socializing.
While Romi and Kelsey debate which incidentals they’d like to consume, Hunter Valentine gets ready to rock in the sweltering sunlight of the Dinah mainstage.
raise your glass
The Drunk Lesbians enjoy the show but perhaps nobody’s enjoying the show quite like Lauren’s enjoying the show:
Lauren: “When I first met Kiyomi I thought she was attractive but then they go on stage and they play, she was so hot, and then hearing her voice, it was like, wow.”
Truth: there is nothing sexier than watching your loved one play a musical instrument, which is one of many reasons why all my girlfriends have been excellent instrument-players (the primary reason is “coincidence”). Look, even Amanda likes it:
don’t let any of that drool land on amanda’s shoulder
Or maybe not.
this photo could possibly actually be from the wet t-shirt contest (also note the girl from the williamsburg bar behind lauren)
Turns out that seeing Kiyomi rock out with her cock out gets Lauren hard like Swiss Chard:
Whitney: “I could practically see Lauren’s full-on erection for Kiyomi just waving in the wind by the end of the performance she like, blew her load on herself.”
is it true that i came in my pants? i don’t know.
As you’re already aware, Kelsey & Romi have retired to their hotel room, sneakily foiling the CIA-implanted chip in Romi’s left thigh that enables them to follow her with spider trackers.
who’s at the door? who’s at the door? whooooos atttt tttthhheee dooorrrrr
So, Cori’s trashed. Which is actually a huge relief because she seems happy, at last. All of them do, all four of them.
Kacy: “When Cori gets tipsy, she has an alter ego and uh, Romi gets introduced to partial Coco. Coco At dusk. Kelsey got bent over, Coco style. It’s happened to all of us. She doesn’t really know you unless she’s bent you over and slapped your ass.”
Indeed: Coco Lite, beautifully wasted, thrusts Kelsey into a prone, stomach-to-the-mat position in which Coco Lite can properly smack Kelsey’s ass like she’s ready for some Canyon Yodeling, if you know what I mean.
is anybody here interested in pony play
Romi: “She’s making you a bottom, baby.”
For your reference, this is Coco Full-On:
Then Kacy interviews that “you looked light, for the first time in a long time you just looked light,” and Cori says that she felt light. She felt light!
little lightworker
I think that’s the thing about Dinah — it’s so grotesque and over-the top, and its attendees are so uproariously irresponsible that anything, any kind of behavior at all, is automatically deemed sensible because there’s no way what you’re doing is less acceptable than what anyone else is doing, anywhere. It’s a giant rollocking excuse to just let go of absolutely everything. You can’t feel guilty for kissing a girl you just met or getting super-drunk when two strangers with tequila fumes radiating from their pores are making out on-stage without shirts on while others wrestle topless in a kiddie pool drowning in vegetable oil.
You just let go, and then you feel light. Cori deserves to feel light. So does Kacy. Sookie should give them some light:
Real L Word 305 Recap: I Wasn’t Expecting This To Be So Bitchy
Hello and welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour family sitcom about a teenage witch who, on her 16th birthday, learns that she has magical powers. Along with her 500-year-old European witch-aunts and her sardonic talking cat, Salem, Sabrina works to master the ancient arts of witchery while keeping her identity a secret and tackling teenage issues like learning how to drive, picking a college, earning your witch’s license and opening a jar of spaghetti sauce.
L to R: Laura, Sara, Slab of Man, Slab of Man #2, Whitney, Romi, Amanda, Slab of Man #3
This week on The Real L Word, we all journeyed to the world famous Dinah Shore Weekend in Palm Springs, California, which’s basically a Star Trek Convention but with lesbians.
Sometimes after writing a recap, I’m like, “this shit is fucking hilarious,” but throughout the entire process of writing this recap, I’ve felt like this shit is not remotely funny, I hope next week is more inspiring. I’m sorry I hope you still LOL at least once. Here’s the thing: nothing’s happening, so everybody’s plotline is just people talking shit about other people. When I read over what I’ve written, I feel like I sound just as petty and bitchy as the show itself. It’s fun to make fun of people acting crazy or weird, but it’s difficult to make fun of people acting bitchy. Does that make sense? THIS IS HARD.
Oh also, to all the people who keep asking why I recap something if I hate it, the answer is that it makes people laugh and feel happy, and I feel like the natural human instinct when you’re told something you do makes people happy, is to do it. Right? If you’re able to. I think that’s what we’re all here to do. Also, it’s the traffic, stupid! It can be a pure motive. We do some things so that we can do some other things. Seriously I’ve recapped four seasons of The L Word, two seasons of Glee and three seasons of The Real L Word and one episode of Two and a Half Men — if I had a dollar for every time somebody asked me why I recap a show I hate, I could gather enough dollars to smash together a big dollar ball of dollars, and throw it at your head! I’ve also recapped good shows, like Pretty Little Liars and Skins, that’s a whole different ballgame. Anyhow enough about me, there are all of these slightly more interesting people ready to tell you Their Stories!
Also we made a video, it’s a Whitney Mixter Self-Inquiry Supercut, and it’s kinda amazing.
We open in Silly Los Angeles, California, where Lauren is sitting at the table with a camera crew when Amanda, who has recently dipped her head into a vat of cake batter and then fallen asleep in a walk-in refrigerator, shows up at the thwarted homezone to break some unexpected news to Lauren — she’s getting back together with her ex-girlfriend and possibly re-re-locating to New York City.
1. what happened to your hair, 2. what happened to your shirt
Lauren: “I would hope that like, if you’re gonna move back, that you would give me like, advance notice so I can find another roommate and stuff.”
Amanda: [in an “oh, jeez” voice] “Woof…”
stop trying to make “woof” happen
Lauren: “What?”
Amanda: “I don’t know, that’s just like so extreme.”
You think that’s extreme, just wait ’til she dares to request that Amanda clean her room before moving out!
look the two of us together is just too much edgy hair for one relationship
Lauren presses for more details, Amanda responds with abstractions and Jesus Christ on a Cracker I always feel like we’re missing a big piece of the Lamanda story! Anyhow, Lauren wants to know when Amanda would potentially move out. Amanda’s not sure:
for example; when does filming for this show end?
Amanda interviews that she’s disappointed that Lauren isn’t throwing a Relationship Reunion Pretty Party for her and her ex-girlfriend.
Amanda: “It’s like she’s jealous or something.”
Lauren notes that Amanda lies a lot, and then Amanda’s hair catches on fire and the whole entire house burns down. Just kidding! I was confusing this show with a house fire.
Back in Lovely Long Beach, California, Kelsey and Romi are fudgepacking their clamsacks in preparation for their very first Dinah Shore together as a couple!
and sara’s dead body is enormous!
It’ll also be their first sober Dinah, a fate I wouldn’t wish upon Maggie Gallagher, as I personally failed to find a way to tolerate Dinah without ingesting at least three drugs and two drinks every 45 minutes. That was our first trip to Dinah. On our second trip to Dinah, I didn’t do drugs or have two drinks every 45 minutes, but shit got real.
Romi: “Dinah Shore is the weekend that all the lesbians from all over the world fly in to party and it does feel a little bit like high school spring break…. it’s really just a place for people to get wasted and fuck each other. Like people break up with their girlfriends just to go to Dinah and fuck other people, and then get back from Dinah Shore and get back with their girlfriend.”
but me and kelsey prefer to stay home at the farm, milking cows and/or each other
Romi The Sober Grownup explains that she’s attending Dinah Shore for work, because she is Famous and Important:
Romi: “I was invited to host and attend events as a celesbian. A celesbian is a lesbian that’s a celebrity, and they’re very rare. There’s not a whole lot of us. So, I have work to do.”
SURPRISE!
via straddlegifs.tumblr.com
She’s right, celesbians are very exotic and rare, like Leatherback Sea Turtles and Chinese Alligators.
save these endangered species
Romi suggests they try this weekeend to “have fun and like, stay out of as much drama as possible,” ’cause Romi has this routine where every time she goes anywhere, ever, she must first announce her intention to avoid drama and relay her conviction that such avoidance is indeed possible.
as opposed to what we usually do, which is to start a lot of drama and attempt to remain as miserable as possible
Furthermore:
Romi: “We’re sticking together all weekend if you leave me out there alone for the wolves to get me I will fucking murder you.”
Yikes.
baby they’re just a bunch of wolves on V, you can totally fix that with your glowy faerie thing
Romi interviews that she prays her rascally alkie ex-besties can avoid over-imbibing at Margaritaville and subsequently attacking Romi, ’cause it’s challenging to avoid drive-by attacks when the entire world revolves around you, you know? It’s like you’re everywhere!
Kelsey: “I’m trying to be respectful of Romi and I want to make her happy and if she doesn’t want me around certain people, then I’m not gonna be around certain people. Romi is usually right about certain people, so.”
Whatever you think about these two, Kelsey thinks Romi is the bee’s knees, that much is clear, and it’s kinda adorable.
like she totally called it about that kony guy
Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metro area, Kacy and Cori are meeting up with the newly engayged Whitney & Sarahara to discuss Dinah Shore Weekend, which Kacy and Cori are unfortunately planning to attend, escaping their Emily Dickinson lifestyle for something more up Emily Fitch’s alley.
Whitney and Sarahara (who is operating a secret refugee ladder for oppressed termites via the extension cords dangling from each of her tender ears) say they hope KayCor are planning to attend the demented pool party from hell, especially the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game they’ll be hosting.
Whitney: “People are competing to win dates with [Romi and Kelsey.] I don’t know why…”
Sara: [FACE]
blow job face
Kori: “Are you not talking to Romi anymore?”
Whitney: “No, we have abandoned negative people in our lives, Romi is one of them. She has done shady things —”
Sara: “Even last time and what happened was, we were supposed to be friends at that time and me and Whitney had gotten in a fight but she knew how much I loved Whitney even if we weren’t like perfect, you know? And she made out with her at the pool and then looked at me like — if she could toss me off a cliff and nobody would know about it, she would.”
Although I’d assumed Kacy and Cori’s facial expressions reflected their immersion in this abyss of bratty boredom, it turns out their tentative exhaustion/disapproval is actually a reflection of their affection for Romi Klinger.
next time let’s just get takeout
Cori: “It’s hard to hear because I love Romi so much. She’s become an actual friend through all of this and she’s constantly checking in with us to see how we’re doing and she’s a great person and to hear anyone talk poorly of anyone I really care about is hard, and I really want to stay neutral — and just they have their own stuff — but it’s hard because I want to defend her and be like, you’re wrong.”
Kacy and Cori don’t wanna be in the middle of all this, so you know. SCENE.
Back in the deepest depths of depravity vis a vis Brooklyn, Kiyomi and Ali are — surprise — fighting!
where does the kinda-good go?
Apparently Ali did the horizontal mambo with another lady whilst Kiyomi was playing sweet music for the little children of Texas and Ali lied to Kiyomi about where she met said lady, which’s what Kiyomi is latching onto to have an excuse to be pissed at Ali ’cause Kiyomi is “always honest” which’s really, really, really really not true at all, but whatever, I hate both of these people and hope they claw each other’s eyes out and then move to Newark.
Kiyomi: “I don’t care if you fucking fisted a cat, just tell me the truth, and then I don’t care, do you understand? That’s all I care about.”
Ali: “You’re being so aggressive right now because you’re gonna leave again and you wanna be able to do what you want.”
the cat, on the other hand, would care quite a bit
Ali fights with Kiyomi about how they fight too much, and Kiyomi interviews that her inability to commit is due to a recent breakup with a girlfriend-of-two-years who she was totes in love with and was about to move in with who moved to San Francisco for a new job while Kiyomi was on tour without telling Kiyomi.
Kiyomi: “I don’t wanna do that again, I don’t wanna give myself to someone completely to have them just rip me apart and destroy me.”
They yell at each other’s faces for a bit and Kiyomi finishes packing her stuff and it seems like maybe this thing is over. This terrible not-relationship thing. Kiyomi leaves her keys on Ali’s laptop and heads out.
Cut to the next morning in Brooklyn, where Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport before their flight leaves in an hour. In other words, Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport despite the fact that they are definitely gonna miss their flight.
ok you have the spare parts harness and i have the rodeo so i think we’re good to go
Donna: “We’ve gotta rush. There’s still a chance.”
Mhm, that’s what I used to tell myself on the subway at 5:55 when I’d just passed Lorimer and had to be in Midtown by 6. “I’m not late… YET.”
Back in Shifty Los Angeles, California, Whitney and Sara are also packing!
try before you buy
For Sara, “packing” involves scampering around in a thong and see-through bra while Whitney interviews about hanging up her Dinah hoe hat. Look out for that shit on ebay!
Hunter Valentine arrives at the Luxurious Los Angeles International Airport — but Somer is nowhere to be found! This’d be a HUGE deal if they had a show tonight or if the bandleader was an obnoxious asshole and unfortunately the latter is in fact the case. Kiyomi interviews that she’s disappointed that they’ve been “given such a great opportunity” but “can’t be professional about it” which’d make sense if the “opportunity” was “getting a ride to Dinah right now” instead of what it actually is, which’s “playing a show tomorrow afternoon, at which Somer will absolutely be present.” So like none of this even makes sense! They should hire a monkey for the cast. Just to scamper around. Or maybe a talking horse?
wait dude is that an auntie annie’s because if so can you hold up a sec while i go get a cinnamon situation
Laura: “I think we should just leave.”
Kiyomi: “And not wait for Somer?”
Laura: “Nope.”
Vero: “We’re just gonna leave her?”
Kiyomi: “Yup. I’m outta here.”
Kiyomi’s one of those people who looks for reasons to get upset. Like she’s already upset, all the time, so she just wanders the universe with her orb of anger, looking for excuses to share it with the world.
Kiyomi: “I just think it’s one more thing on the scorecard for Somer.”
Vero: “You know what guys, could we not make it a big issue, I swear. ‘Cause I cannot make it a big issue, like the whole keyboard thing on tour.”
just smile pretty and watch your back, vero
Vero interviews:
Vero: “I feel bad that Donna and Somer are not gonna get a ride to Dinah Shore with us, but it’s Kiyomi’s band and she calls the shots.”
I wanna be in Vero’s band where Vero calls the shots! It could be called Hey Vero.
Real L Word 304 Recap: Scissor Sisters Meet Tongue Twisters
Hello and welcome to the fourth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour sitcom about an intelligent yet mischevious teenage girl struggling to carry entire flower bouquets on her head via Giant Floppy Hats while dealing with an absent mother, working musician father, an allegedly charming dumb jock brother with a lot of hair on his head and a recovering alcoholic older brother. Along with her idiotic-but-hot best friend named after the number of beers her father ingested prior to her conception, she struggles with very special teenage issues like buying tampons, going to second base, peer pressure and marijuana joints.
L to R: Romi, Kelsey, Lauren, Vero, Kiyomi (stylist: romi klinger)
This week on The Real L Word, everybody cried and everything hurt and I was mostly bored! Are you also bored? Just saying, last week my recap didn’t even get 100 comments, so. Anyhow, I feel like this recap isn’t as funny as usual, but I’d like to blame that on the rain that was falling and mostly on Ilene Chaiken and/or the patriarchy. #BOTP.
Two announcements: we’re raising money and need your support and we interviewed Somer and I think you’ll like it.
We open deep in the bowels of California’s intellectual epicenter: Hollywood, California. Here our newlyengayged couple’s prepping for a trip to San Jose to blindside Sara’s Portuguese parents with news of their impending nuptials.
so that’s a definite “no” on the wake-and-bake at your parent’s house?
Sarahara interviews that her parents grew up on a tiny island with one donkey, three dirt roads, a duck pond large enough for only 1.5 ducks and a ramshackle grocery store that only sold rice and wide-ruled notebooks. There were no gay people on this island so therefore Sarahara’s parents know nothing of the gays and their wedded ways.
we’re talking ‘lord of the flies’ type shit here, guys
Whitney’s struggling to select which neutral-toned top, jeans, and stupid hat she’ll don for the big trip:
Whitney: “I can’t with this outfit, I’m not feeling confident —”
Sara: “You look — change your shoes, if that’s the problem —”
Whitney: “— and I need to feel confident because — I think it’s my pants —”
Sara: “No, I love your pants, there’s nothing wrong with your pants.”
Whitney: “I think it’s my shirt. I feel like I wanna look like, presentable.”
Sara: “You look like a 15-year-old little skater boy.”
she was a skater boi, she said ‘see ya later boi’, she wasn’t good enough for her, she had a pretty face but her head was up in space, she needed to come back down to earth
Whitney interviews that weddings are “a whole thing” in Portugal but Sarahara’s unlikely to fit into her parents’ vision of matrimony ’cause she’s marrying a woman. What woman is she marrying?
not that other guy in the corner, he’s just here to hold the boom
We then segue somberly back to The House of Sad and Fog, where Kacy and Cori are lying in bed, as they’ve done every day since their whole world imploded.
Kacy: “Cori and I have gotten used to just being here, with each other. It’s been uh, pretty difficult, damn near impossible, to leave the house.”
Cori: “Our lives have just stopped, and we’re shattered, we’re so broken. I just wanna crawl in a hole and pretend that this isn’t my life.”
Kacy: “We are both broken-hearted and sad, and we are there together, sitting there in the pit of hell, and I wouldn’t wanna be in there with anybody else but her.”
:-(
We cut jarringly cross-country, where Amanda and Lauren have landed in New York City for a few days of fun that’ll ideally cure Amanda’s fatal case of The Homesickness.
look it’s the statue of liberty!
The Twirlable Twosome are crashing at a dog-urine-soaked Brooklyn pad inhabited by somebody’s male friend and as Amanda showers, Lauren once again interviews to explain that Amanda and Lauren both had girlfriends when they lived in New York and now they’re both single at the same time and they’ve never been single at the same time before and REALLY DO WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS EVERY SINGLE EPISODE, I quit.
this is the first time we’ve ever walked down a hallway with suitcases without girlfriends
“This is our first time out in New York, single,” Lauren explains, ’cause their situation requires (apparently) constant explanation. “This is our first time eating pancakes, single,” “This is our first time accidentally taking the N train to Queens, single,” “This is our first time shampooing our dogs, single.”
Amanda says she’s got some errands to run and will be back in an hour. Hopefully she’ll return with the rest of her shirt.
this is what happens if you lean back on a chair coated in super glue
Elsewhere in New York City, Hunter Valentine are returning from Tour!
Kiyomi: “South by Southwest was awesome, we did a really good job, we busted our asses, but there were some altercations, for every show that Somer sounded really good, there was another show that was a complete catastrophe.”
I really wish this show would embrace the ‘show don’t tell’ ethos, but I suppose that’s unlikely when nobody wants your cameras in their venues.
remind me again who my regional rep in this city is
Somer returns to her lady-love, Donna, and her two dogs, one of which appears to have eaten a third dog or maybe just a very large houseplant, and is relieved to descend into her wife’s arms, far away from Kiyomi’s menacing facial expressions and a van that smells “like fish.”
school’s out for somer
Somer interviews that after being On Tour, she totally understands how Odysseus felt:
Somer: “All I could think about was just being at home with her cuddling in bed, and she’s always there for me to bounce ideas off of and give me a good perspective and those were all things that I really craved while I was on the road.”
I think that’s ultimately the thing, you know? I mean, there’s sex. You miss the sex when you’re away, but more than that you miss the person who has been processing all your feelings with you for howevermany years, the person who gets you and usually agrees with you and can tell you if you’re being stupid or the other guy is being stupid. It’s the only situation in which life partner seems like the most accurate term to describe the person you miss and love.
who’s next, mama is hungry
Somer explains that when you’re out there on the road with a vicious womanbeast, Smee and Vero The Coolest Cucumber, everything’s just “naked and bloody” and nobody is polite and it’s hard. Somer and Donna have lots of processing to do about whether or not Somer should stay in Hunter Valentine.
We cut cross-country to Sunny San Jose, California, the city Kayak always suggests I fly out of when I’m hunting for cheap plane tickets. What Kayak doesn’t know is that I don’t have a car, so like, I can’t just go to San Jose on a whim in my Lexus with my fiancé or something, like these guys:
this calls for some solid daytime drinking
Sarahara says they’ve got news. Mãe and Pai strike out once with “you’re moving to San Jose,” and then again with “you’re pregnant.” The latter prediction is totally ominous, obviously. They’ve got no idea what’s about to happen.
even better: this bitch with the dredlocks is never gonna get me pregnant. how’s that?
In a surprisingly hilarious twist of fate, Whitney’s got no fucking clue what’s going on ’cause they’re all talking in Portuguese, forcing Whit to simmer in nervousness while chugging red table wine and laughing politely at what seem to be the appropriate moments.
Sara: “I’m nervous.”
Mrs. Sara [in Portuguese]: “What is it? You’re not expecting a baby, are you?”
Sara [in Portuguese] : “She asked me to marry her.”
Whitney, who — keep in mind — has no idea what’s been said, smiles nervously as Mr. Sara chuckles benevolently and Mrs. Sara’s face crumples and it’s really sad. You can’t even be mad at Mrs. Sara, because you can see her entire vision of her daughter’s future dissolve into a big black nothing and you can see that she is mourning this life and probably wishes she could mourn it off-camera. Sometimes it’s important to take a step back from our knee-jerk self-righteous indignation at anybody who doesn’t embrace our sexuality and recognize that “accepting” doesn’t have to mean “immediately embracing.”
kinda wishing sara’s announcement had been fetus-related
Sara: “Do you guys love me?”
Mrs. Sara: “I love you very much Sara —” [stumbles on her words]
Sara: “Are you sad?”
Mrs. Sara: “Well.” [pauses] “Old-fashioned.” [looks down]
Sara: “What do you think? What does that mean?”
Whitney interviews:
Whitney: “So yeah I’m not 100% well-versed on Portugese but I’m pretty well versed on the look of shock and dismay and tears. That’s a dead giveaway. She’s not 100% happy about this.”
who’s a genius? this guy.
Sara sort of purrs and hugs her Mom and tells her she loves her over and over as her mother stares at her fork and her lap and everything but Whitney, who at least shares a kind broment with Mr. Sara.
Mr. Sara: “I love my daughter, and I will do everything for her to be happy. And we really like Whitney and she’s a very nice person.”
four for you, mr. sarahara
Some Sadistic fuck takes this opportunity to interview Mrs. Sara, who clearly needs more emotional support than an exploitative television camera could offer:
Mrs. Sara: “This is a big surprise for me. It’s not easy. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m saying this but it’s not easy.” [starts sobbing]
the saddest song
Mrs. Sara: “I never believe in gay marriage. I thought marrying is for woman and a man. Plus it’s not only me, really I don’t believe my family is going to the wedding. They all love me very much. Very much. very close family. But I don’t think they’d do that, even for me.” [starts crying again]
Back in New York Shitty, Lauren’s peeved ’cause Amanda said she’d be back in an hour and now it’s been three hours and she still isn’t back!
hi yeah, i’m calling because i used your shampoo and now my hair is pink? do you know anyplace i could get this fixed?
I believe we’re being set up to think Amanda is riding somebody’s hobby horse in a secret playpen and Lauren’s being overly possessive but seriously guys, don’t tell somebody to expect you in an hour and then go MIA, it’s ultra-rude, especially if you’re allegedly on a vacation together and have plans later.
The Real L Word Episode 303 Recap: Love Lost Its Way And Ended Up On This Show
Hello and welcome to the star-studded Autostraddle recap of the third episode of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour musical television program about a teenage rock group who fill their days performing enthusiastic cover songs at The P*lace and discussing serious issues such as schoolyard crushes and peer pressure.
L to R: Kacy, Cori, Romi, Sara, Whitney
This week on The Real L Word, everybody cried, Whitney dove from an airplane into a serene pool of heavily chlorinated water, Romi wore eighteen earrings in one ear and an entire mountain range on a necklace and Lauren and Amanda explored the seedy sexual underbelly of Los Angeles’ Booth Babes subculture. Also, Ilene Chaiken broke into a stock footage factory and was so impressed with clips of Los Angeles at Night and Austin Streets at Dawn that she infused the episode with 65% more stock footage than usual. Also, an alligator ate Somer’s arm and Kiyomi refused to pay for it. Let’s begin!
We open in Sunny Los Angeles, where the brilliant morning sunshine casts its generous rays across the newlyengayged couple, Sarahara and Whitney.
and you give me morning sickness
Clearly we’re all chomping at the bit for more footage of Sarahara and Whit-me’s naked weheartishly-lit mornings, so this scene was not even at all slightly boring.
look, it’s like we’re little swans in a meadow, and i can do you up the butt
Sarahara interviews that she really enjoyed the Energy Healer Lifeshram Goobaroo Incense Hemp Moon Voodoo Party last week. All her chakras are aligned:
Sara: “It was really beautiful. Out of all the different engagement stories that I’ve heard of, this by far was the most creative and brilliant that I’ve heard.”
Oh really?
Was it really, Sara? Was it better than this?
obvs, ben, duh
How about this? Was it better than this?
yes, i do… want to smash you like a little bug
How about this?
this proposal is not dolphin-safe
No but really, was it better than this? It wasn’t!
+
Ultimately, if it wasn’t this (below), then you’re doing it wrong:
win
We stumble forward in a Southernly direction to Kiyomi’s vagina JUST KIDDING to a hotel room in San Antonio, where Somer’s repairing her ailing keyboard and Kiyomi is doing the conversational equivalent of masturbating in front of the bathroom mirror.
how the heck did waldo get into this keyboard, little stripey motherfucker
Kiyomi and Vero flip enthusiastically through a notebook containing a cornucopia of temporary tattoos while Somer seeks positive affirmations regarding saving the band “like 400 dollars in repairs.”
Kiyomi: (to Vero) “She was gonna have to pay for it anyway. It’s not the band’s repairs.”
Somer: (In the other room) “I get like zero percent love for fixing this.”
Kiyomi’s busy covering her hickeys with temp tattoos while my Canadian girlfriend is busy discussing how Americans don’t abbreviate “Veronica” as “Vero” and how it’s really pronounced Vair-oo and how Vero is definitely Francophone. [UPDATE: she isn’t, see here]
now you have to promise never to let pam feed on you again
Back in the Industrial Backlots of Sunny Los Angeles, California, Romi and Rose are hitting up Jeffery’s Warehouse Salon for Rose’s hair to lose its virginity.
or like some bleached romi with a mohawk
Quick time out: So, Rose is getting her hair done on a folding chair in a warehouse. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Of course you are:
let’s tent it
At a suspiciously convenient moment, Ruby rings Rose to gossip about Whitney and Sara’s engagement, which Rose consequently conveys to Romi, and you can see for at least ten seconds that Romi does care, actually, a little bit, but very much wishes she didn’t. Not because Romi wanted to marry Whitney, but because she wants to marry somebody and soon, I think, and nobody wants their non-committal confirmed Bachelorette ex-girlfriend to marry before they do.
1. well he did drink a lot of beer before going down on me, 2. haha what if jay gave me a yeast infection?!!, 3. lord that shit itches
Romi: “Wait wait, engaged? Is that what it was?”
Rose: “What can you say?”
Romi: “It’s beautiful.”
Rose: “I just wish them the best.”
Romi: “I wish them so much happiness.”
Rose: “That’s all you can do.”
Romi interviews that there’s no way Sarahara and Whitney’s mutual fear of eternal-commitment can conquer the burning fire of their sweet sweet love.
Romi: “Do I think that they’ll make it? I don’t know. But I don’t think that anybody needs to go through dating Whitney again or anybody wants to go through dating Sara again, so I pray that they stay together forever ’til death do they part.”
and i put a hit out on both of them, so death will probably be doing them part within a month.
And onward we go to The House of Sad and Fog, where two of the saddest Pandas in all of Los Angeles are attempting to breathe, speak, think, hope, eat, sleep, and/or live despite, I imagine, wanting to crawl into a cave and sob indefinitely. Cori is transporting a rack of unbearably adorable onesies from the closet to her drawer, and so is Kacy, and so we know that what we knew was going to happen has happened.
It’s difficult for me to reconcile a story as heavy as this being wedged between Rose not wanting her highlights to look like some Chola and Kiyomi telling Somer she’s a self-entitled prick.
The couple interviews:
Kacy: “Cori had some bleeding, and so we went to the emergency room and they did an ultrasound but they didn’t check Cori’s cervix, and they sent us home. They said everything was fine and they sent us home. And the next day we went ot our OBGYN who said everything was not fine, Cori’s cervix was opening prematurely, it’s just a condition that’s very rare.”
Cori: “I was five months pregnant.”
Kacy: “We made it through delivery. She came out at 9:12 PM. The first question we asked was, can we put her in an incubator? And she needed two more months.”
Cori: “We were so close.” [sobbing]
Kacy: “She was too little.”
Cori: “She was moving all day, we felt her, she was fine.”
Kacy: “There’s nothing that you could’ve done baby, it was perfect, she was perfect, there’s nothing you could have done.”
What’s beautiful about this, if there’s any beauty to be found in a well this dark and sad, is how dedicated and loving their relationship is, and how you can see Kacy fighting back the urge to completely decompose because she knows Cori has decomposed already, and will continue to, and that she has to keep it together for her. And that Cori knows this, too, and can depend on it.
Cori: “I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this, I’ve never experienced heartbreak and pain like this. I don’t know what I would do without Kacy. I don’t know, I’m just, trying to take things day by day and I don’t know.”
I cried through this scene, big real actual tears.
…and now we return to our regularly scheduled emotional impact, in which nothing is everything and everything is drama, where Kiyomi and Somer are facing off in a Dinosaur vs. Cylon Death Match.
tell me the secret password or I’m not letting you through this door
Kiyomi wants to check the adaptor, or something, and Somer wants to go upstairs and chill and Vero is cool as a motherfucking cucumber and Laura is just being Miley. Also cool as a refrigerated vegetable, Somer leans with exasperation against the elevator as her and Kiyomi throw invisible rocks at each other and Kiyomi makes enormous hand gestures suggestive of a fight that actually matters.
Kiyomi: “I don’t know why you have to be so difficult.”
Somer: “I don’t know why you have to be such a bitch all the time.”
i’m also stumped, re: this
Kiyomi: “I’m not a bitch! Because you can’t hear your fucking tone and I respond to you with the same tone and you realize — when you’re constantly —
Somer: “I don’t ever give you this kind of attitude -”
Kiyomi: “When you’re constantly rude to people -”
Somer: “You always talk like this to everyone, you talk like we’re –”
Kiyomi: “No I don’t.”
Somer: “Yes you do.”
Kiyomi: “No I don’t!”
Somer: “Why do you think people call you the dictator?”
Um, probably because of that outfit she’s always wearing?
Kyomi and Somer scream gayly forward, breaking all the rules of Lesbian Fight Club, most notably Rule #3.
Kiyomi: “I don’t care.”
Somer: “–because you’re really mean!”
Kiyomi: “No, you know what–”
Somer: “You can be really snippy.”
Kiyomi: “No, you’re a fucking self-entitled little asshole sometimes!”
Somer: “You’re talking about yourself, dude.”
Kiyomi: “No I’m not, you need to check yourself!”
Somer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about dude, I’m laid back and chill.”
Kiyomi: “Okay then talk to the rest of the bandmates and see what they say, you can not go through a day without complaining about a single fucking thing –“
and if you want make-up sex after this, it’s not gonna happen
Somer: “You can’t go through a day without talking to people in a really nasty tone, and I know –”
Kiyomi: “I talk to you exactly the same way–”
Somer: “– and I know it’s your personality, but it’s grating.”
Kiyomi: “I talk to you exaclty the same way you talk to me!”
Somer: “It’s grating, after a while.”
Kiyomi: “Yeah so is your fucking self-entitled little pissy piece of shit attitude!”
Somer: “Alright.”
I’d easily qualify a good 60% of Kiyomi’s vocal utterances as spoken in “a really nasty tone,” and all I’ve heard Somer complain about was when her most valued possession got fucked in a hasty hungover packing situation, but regardless Kiyomi leaves Somer in her dust and fumes forward into the parking lot, speeding like a tampon escaping a crowded vagina, consumed with rage and ego.
Kiyomi: “I’m done!”
no dude of course i cannot help load the van, i’m v.busy discussing how self-entitled i’m not
Kiyomi commences yapping to a semi-interested Laura and a completely disinterested Vero regarding why Somer is the self-entitled one, not her, and the reason is that Kiyomi has put “eight years of blood, sweat, and tears” into her band Hunter Valentine.
Cut to Los Angeles circa March or August 1886, where Miss Amanda and Miss Lauren are transforming your average everyday bedframe/mattress situation into a “pod.” Gripping stuff.
Amanda: “We’re building this thing and we’re calling it a pod because it looks like a giant bed that goes outside. The pod is for laying outside, and you can throw the curtains down and maybe hook up with somebody in some warm weather.”
the pod: your special place for morning, afternoon, evening and all-night wood
This sounds like something that my old buddies at Phi Sigma Kappa might come up with, but whatever. Lauren asks if Britenelle plans to grope Amanda at Plato’s Retreat Pod but Amanda says Britenelle don’t come around here no more.
Amanda: “Lauren really scared Britt off, it was very prevelant that they didn’t get along, like even the energy when they were in the same room together was like… WOOF.”
seriously did somebody let the dogs out, because they’re the stars of this show
Lauren affirms Amanda’s decision like some girls do when the girl they like drops the girl they hate and you have some roundabout psychological explanation for the breakup’s necessity to mask your actual motivation which’s wanting to bang-bang-bang on the door to her baby’s vaginal walls now & forevermore. I retired from that kind of emotional business circa 2006 — both sides — but these are great reminders of the follies of my youth.
Amanda: “It’s really annoying that Lauren scared her off like that but there’s no point in upsettting lauren, so i’m just not gonna say anything.”
Real L Word 302 Recap: A Leap Of Faith Into a Puddle Of Nonsense
Hello and welcome to the second recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour teen sitcom starring a teenage girl who sports eye-scorching brightly-colored multi-layered outfits and speaks directly to the camera regarding a plethora of Serious Topics such as her first training bra, her annoying little brother, school, boys, and pimples.
Stylist: Romi Klinger
Well, now that we’ve sold our first-born child to Contempo Casuals and strapped on our leggings and high-tops, it’s time to get down to business!
First things first: Autostraddle’s Season Two parody video, edited by the incredibly physically attractive Real L Word extra Sarah Croce and starring famous actors like Autostraddle Design Director Alex Vega and pregnant Season One cast member Jill Goldstein-Weiss, is finally here, and if you’ve yet to bear witness to its excellency, you should either kill yourself or go watch it right now.
Okay, now that we’ve gotten that taken care of — one last tangent before I attempt(/fail) to turn 52 comatose minutes of “television” into something mildly entertaining — the time/space continuum on this show is totally fucked! I mean, duh, but also, as I realized last week and consequently shared with you in the comments of last week’s recap, last week’s episode contained footage from five different months, and consequently so does this week’s episode and probably so will all the rest of the episodes.
Last week, Hunter Valentine was prepping for South by Southwest, which happened in March 2012, so the Hunter Valentine scenes are all from March 2012.
Romi & Jay were attending a Halloween Party for the LGBT Center, which happened in October 2011, and the photos Kelsey’s looking at on Romi’s facebook are from December 2011, but also, Romi and Kelsey were back together by January 2012 at the latest (they have since broken up and Romi has a new boyfriend named Dusty at present), so the Romi/Jay scenes are all from October/November 2011 and the Kelsey scene is from January 2012.
Cori got pregnant in August 2011, and they said she was four months in last week, so the Cori/Kacy scenes were from December 2011.
The launch party for Lyon Jewelry happened in February 2012, so Lauren’s scenes were shot in February 2012 — but, although Lauren spends that scene interviewing about eagerly anticipating Amanda’s arrival, Amanda was there already, she was at the launch party, so both the Lauren scenes and the Amanda scenes must be from very late January or February 2012.
In conclusion, THIS SHOW IS A LIE. Sorry!
We open in a sunny sidewalk cafè, where Whitney has summoned her sister Alexis to discuss her upcoming Proposal to Sarahara.
but have you ever gotten married… on weed?!!
Whitney’s been having some weird subliminal Moby Dick shit going on:
Whitney: “I’ve had two dreams/nightmares about it in the past two days. Last night, I had a dream that a big giant whale came and it smushed me and I pushed it away to try to save it and to prevent myself from being scrunched, and as I pushed it, it got slit open and it deflated. What does that mean?”
Pretty sure it means y’all should film an episode at Sea World, like when The Brady Bunch went to King’s Island.
Whitney: “So basically, Sara thinks pretty much that I’m 100% anti-marriage. So I feel like in order to really get that zing in, I have to make that proposal completely over the top. So of course I came up with the hardest most complicated plan that is probably unnecessary.”
Girlfriend, getting the zing in is no small task. I salute you.
is seeing dustyandromi.tumblr.com for the first time
The ever-s0-clever Whitney’s smushed together a plan wherein her true intentions (proposal) will be disguised by a “Spiritual Healing Party” she’s throwing. Apparently Sarahara “is really into new age things,” which’s a side effect of living in Los Angeles and being a girl who likes having sex with other girls. If you stay there long enough, your heart will turn into a geode.
three ways of looking like whitney mixter
Whitney spends most of the episode in awe of her own proposal-planning skills. She could’ve just had her server at The Olive Garden bring out the ring on top of a hunk of birthday cake, filmed a lip-dub with 80 of their closest friends or put the ring in a hot air balloon and then had the hot air balloon land on Sarahara’s head, but that wouldn’t be the cowboy way.
Smear on over to New York Diddy, where Kiyomi and her not-girlfriend Ali, in preparation for Hunter Valentine‘s Incredible Amazing Vadgetastic Spectacular Lifetime Monster World Tour, are poking each other in the face. Metaphorically. They’re poking each other in the face with words.
showtime keeps forgetting the “not”
It seems that while Kiyomi was hidden away in the bathroom practicing sexy facial expressions in the mirror, Ali hit up the BBB and returned with three additional closets. Or else they’ve been there all this time and there’s just nothing else to talk about so we’re gonna talk about it right now:
Kiyomi: “I don’t think you need one – two -three – four closets. Just a thought.”
Ali: “Well, that’s just towels and blankets and stuff.”
Kiyomi: “You’re just one person in here. How many towels and blankets do you need?”
Ali: “I have a lot of guests.”
Kiyomi: “Trying to make me jealous? That’s a good idea before I go on tour.”
Ali: “That’s not funny.”
Kiyomi: “Neither was your joke.”
Well, I’m glad we can all agree on something.
because then i’ll try to make you jealous right back, because i’m 12
Kiyomi interviews that due to the “200 days of the year” she’s away from home playing in her rock ‘n roll band, she can’t commit to Ali.
being batman is hard
But Ali’s conflicted between the part of her that cares about Kiyomi and the part of her that is pretending to care about Kiyomi’s career.
Ali: “I want her to be you know, playing as many different shows as possible and getting all different fans from all different states, but I worry. I can’t imagine what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t want to imagine what’s going on.”
I do! Okay, my first guess is that it’s probably like this:
baby baby baby oh!
But then I thought nooooo, it’s gotta be way more like this:
actually it kinda already was like this
Hold the phone, it’s this:
kiyomi, queen of the desert
But by “this” I mean actually THIS:
duh
JK, it’s this.
We zoom over to another street, where hey, hey, the band’s all here! Laura interviews their itinerary, which’ll first take them to Phase One in D.C., then to The Milestone in Charlotte, “where even Nirvana played.” (RIP)
Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.
While Laura packs the van, Somer and Donna say goodbyes and Somer interviews about the perilous future. See, apparently, Somer is a Unicorn who greets the daily dawn by prepping piping hot coffee for her lady-love, dressing her, getting her out the door, and occasionally even packing lunch! Now that she’s off On Tour, Donna will be forced to subsist on Lunchables and Capri Suns or overpriced salads at Pax!
chapstick lesbians
But seriously, they’re gonna be gone for what? A week? 10 days? And this throws “a huge curveball” into their marriage? We’re only at Episode Two and already this is what we’re being served up as “conflict.” Where’s Claire?
towards a better, more entertaining show
Cut to Rainy Los Angeles, where Lauren the Glamazonian Princess Warrior is driving to the airport to retrieve Amanda, her best friend with benefits/eyeliner.
she’s coming on a jet plane, la la la
Lauren’s not obligated to maintain the fourth wall because of how pretty she is. She just drives & talks to the camera, like a walk & talk for ladies.
Lauren: “The last time she visited, we did hook up… but it’s like, it’s not a big deal to us. We’re not starting a relationship, we’re not you know, anything, it’s just casual hooking up, you know, I’m positive nobody’s gonna have any feelings involved. That’s what I’m excited about, having someone around all the time where you can kinda do everything together and not have it be a relationship, it’s just having like your best friend.”
So, basically a relationship, but the kind where if one partner hurts or in some way betrays the other, any constructive communication about said upsetting incident is met with, “it’s not like we’re in a relationship or anything!”, therefore ensuring maximum passive-aggressive behavior between both partners and lots of drunk screaming. Bring it on!
Amanda says she’s got 800 bags. Bitch was lying, she’s got her entire life stored on a computer chip over her left ear:
still dressed for new york
The ladies are ecstatic about their mutual geography:
Lauren: “Lamanda.”
Amanda: “Lamanda’s here. Oh my gosh I’m so excited.”
maybe later lets do this again, but horizontally
Amanda interviews that she left a lady behind in New York City, which was like, one of those things where you’re like, “should I be doing this or should I not be doing this?” but then like, for her, it was that she’s not gonna stay in a city because of a person. You know? Totally.
but will i leave a because of a television show? obvs.
Amanda’s got eight billion outfits in her eight billion bags and will have to use Lauren’s closet. A lot of closet-talk this episode. I’m adding “somebody says ‘closet'” to the drinking game. Tour!
Elsewhere in Los Angeles during some other day, week, year or plague, Whitney’s making shit up about some spiritual healer she knocked boots with at the 2012 Positive Affirmational New Age Convention who can fly, see through walls, and host spiritual healing parties, or something.
and then after we get married, you and i can sit down and really talk about all that spiritual energy you’re hiding in your rectum
Whitney tells Sarahara that the Spiritual Healer does creative visualization and can also cleanse bad energies, like the bad energies whirling about within their gaggle of gal-pals, and therefore Whitney’s planning an event in which they can get this shit taken care of.
Whitney: “Basically, the Academy Award goes to this guy, right here. Sara has zero clue that I’m proposing, and especially not at this random spiritual event.”
watch out gary oldman
Several years earlier in the Los Angeles Metro area, Romi Flinger’s meeting up with Rose Garcia, a Season One cast member who doesn’t like me. No really, she doesn’t. Here’s the thing about Rose: 1. She’s smokin’ hot, 2. She reminds me of dudes I dated in college who I never want to see again. Anyhow, speaking of dudes, Romi Flinger’s got one to talk about:
so, do you suck it like this? or is it more of an up and down motion?
Romi Flinger is telling Rose and anyone else in a 50-foot radius (damn these girls talk loud!) that she’d always considered herself a lesbian until she met Jay, and now she’s dealing with all these new feelings! Except that she first dated Jay in 2009, but maybe everyone got glamoured and I missed it.
and i was like, um, no i can’t put that whole thing in my mouth. sure, if you scrunch it up like this — but then i was like, wait a second, this isn’t mr. bendy
Romi interviews:
Romi: “I would never have said that I was a bisexual honestly. I always considered myself a lesbian but now it’s a weird thing to say because I’m not used to saying it at all and I’m not comfortable with it but I guess I have to say… that I would be… bisexual.”
or else face a public stoning at the palm springs hilton
kerpow
Rose is down:
Rose: “Dude, I don’t care, all I care about is the fact that you’re happy. Whether it’s a penis injecting in you or whether your mouth is on a vagina, whatever’s going on, I mean obviously for me I couldn’t be physical with a guy but I could imagine falling in love with a guy. Love is love, you don’t care —”
I feel pretty much the opposite of that, but anyhow: I wonder if there’s a correlation between how many male friends a lesbian has and how she reacts to a bisexual woman dating a guy. Like maybe lesbros are more likely to “get it” because hanging out with dudes is the way that they live anyhow. You know?
Rose: “You know what I mean, and when it comes to the physical aspects of it –”
Romi: “You are a man.”
Rose: “Me and Jay are on the same team, you’re not on our team. He’s all about the three things that I’m about; WPP. Work Party and Pussy.”
we’re not getting any younger
They actually go on to discuss blow jobs and balls, but let’s just pretend like that never happened.
Somewhere between here and forevermore, Laura’s eating broccoli which’s stinking up the Hunter Valentine van which’s en route to their Big Gig at Phase One.
Laura: “Touring with anybody is intense. And you get to know each other very quickly. It’s an intense situation and personal space is something that you lose.”
but dude i am so close to motherfucking this game of tetris
Vero: “Kiyomi you’re moving around so much, like a little kid! Why don’t you sit in the back?”
Kiyomi: “Shut the fuck up.”
Vero: “You shut the fuck up! Don’t tell me to fucking shut up!”
Somer [to Kiyomi]: “I want you to shut the fuck up too.”
i don’t know about you guys but i’m staying for the open mic
After “driving all day,” the ladies arrive in DC where they play some rock n’roll music for a sea of alternative lifestyle haircuts and subsquently commence drinking copious amounts of alcohol from shot glasses and the bottle. Activities include Laura’s vagina in somebody’s face, Vero dancing like a boss and Kiyomi sucking a girl’s brain out of her body via mouth-hole.
it’s just that everybody keeps saying “tour”
So, here’s the deal: they’ve got hos in different area codes.
Kiyomi: “Laura and have developed a system that we call ‘regional reps,’ and that basically means that you know, when you go to said city, you have a girl that you see in that city every time and that becomes your regional rep for that area. I think we’re doing pretty well with the system, and the band is gonna continue to work hard to find reps in all areas of the country.”
Here’s Washington D.C.’s Regional Rep:
this would be more fun at fangtasia
Kiyomi, mistress of tact, stops her cuddle session short with an “I gotta call my girlfriend,” skulking outside for another adult conversation with her not-girlfriend. Luckily for all of us, a camera crew happens to be at Ali’s pad circa this phone call.
Kiyomi: “What’s been going on with you?”
Ali: “Nothing really.”
Kiyomi: “How are you feeling about me being away?”
Ali: “I just miss you and I wanna see you.”
Kiyomi: “I miss you too. Have you been good?”
Ali: “I’m always good.”
just sitting on my bed being boring, like i do when you’re here
Speaking of balls, Kiyomi interviews that she can’t trust Ali ’cause last time she went On Tour, Ali was “kinda angry” and slept with one of Kiyomi’s friends.
Kiyomi: “And I’m glad, that’s good. I’m trying to trust you.”
Ali: “How do I trust you?”
Kiyomi: [silence] “Hmmm. Well…”
Ali: “I just don’t, right?”
Kiyomi: “Okay, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”
I hope we’re all proud of ourselves for this.
Real L Word 301 Recap: Apples and Oranges and Bananaheads
Welcome to the first recap of the first episode of the third season of The Real L Word, an hour-long drama about a pioneer woman with gigantic sleeves and weird hats who journeys to Colorado Springs to become a doctor at a time when women were not doctors (because of the patriarchy).
note whitney & sara in the front holding the baby they hope to have before marriage
WeHo town, it’s a quiet village, every lay like the one before, WeHo town, full of stylish people, waking up to say … Bonjour! Good day! How is your gay family? Bonjour! Good day! How is your wife? I need! More sperm! That’s too expensive! I want much more than this Sho-vincial life… just watch I’m going to make Sara my wife!
There goes the hipster with her hair like always, the same old fashion shows to sell. Every morning just the same, since the morning that we came to this poor reality show –
GOOD MORNING, HELL!
Sheesh. I’m exhausted. Wow. So, The Real L Word! On a scale of one to ten, I found this episode slightly more interesting than the Home Shopping Network.
Just one diversion before we lick our lips and dive in to this moist cave of despair — embarking upon the third season of The Real L Word makes me think back to the third season of Ilene Chaiken‘s other moderately-successful hit Showtime series, The L Word. You remember, don’t you? That glorious march of doom? The season in which the ladykiller finally made a commitment and moved in with her sexy girlfriend and then proposed to her? The season in which we fell to collective pieces in the wake of a tragic and untimely death? The season in which a woman who’d been in a lesbian relationship for the past 8.5 years got in touch with her lingering desire for men? Yes, that season. I hated that season.
this is an actual screencap from when i was recapping episode 310 of The L Word, the answer to “were we ever so young” is “no”
Anyhow, let’s get this shitshow on the road!
We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, where glamorous supergoddess Romi Flinger is cruising past Tuna-Town while talking about herself: she’s been sober for a year, lost a lot of friends, is “madly in love” and is wearing 76 individual pieces of jewelry at the same time including sapphire studs on her interior vaginal walls.
is totally doing kegels right now
Did I mention that Romi Flinger is in love? Well, she is:
i mean, i’m always pretty, but when i’m in love, i’m like extra pretty
Meanwhile, elsewhere on Los Angeles’ labyrinth highway system, Whit-me is driving her car, talking about herself.
here i am again, bitches
The Pride of West Hollywood has “fallen in love,” which is so “crazy” that she “can’t even wrap her head around it.” Plus, that stupid hat’s in the way.
and it was not all that different from falling into a kiddie pool of creamed corn
Thus we zoom gayly forward accompanied by not only Whit-me and Romi Flinger’s Life Updates, but also by the vexatious vibration of the insufferable BETTY-esque vocals intoning “You got to show me how you move, move, move / if you wanna see my hotel room.” Ain’t that the truth.
rose showing her moves in a hotel room, circa season one
Whit-me and Romi Flinger, seemingly spilling over with desire for their aforementioned lovers, return home — Whit-me, of course, returns to Sahara…
this is how the dementors do it
…and Romi, of course, returns to … men?
no, ilene, this doesn’t count as diversity
Yup.
Romi: “For the past six months, I’ve kind of been living this secret life. I don’t know, it’s time to just, stop.”
and boy did she pick a winner
Indeed, Romi’s been inspired by the nearby camera crews to reveal her present activity partner, Jay, an admission which shocked my socks off only ’cause I thought Romi’s boyfriend this season would be this Dusty character from their special tumblr, and I’d been hoping and praying that Dusty would be a super-awesome smart feminist or something and this storyline would be really enlightening and complicated. HAHAHAHA!
Anyhow, guess what else is ready for its reveal?
rack ’em up
Romi’s boobs! And um, Romi and Jay fucking!
man on the land
Now, bisexual women are glorious humans near and dear to my heart and vagina and former self-identification and personal history and reading list, but MEN, on the other hand? I hate men. Reader, let me be honest with you: this show’s single redeeming factor was its consistent lack-of-men. It rarely subjected me to the thoughts or feelings of modern man, let alone their sexual desires, let alone actual heterosexual sex, which I maxed out on personally between the years of 1998 and 2005 and in any event I could watch heterosexual sex on every other show ever made about anything, ever. Can’t we get one corner of the sky?
[Fun Fact: only 61% of The Real L Word‘s audience is female.]
Meanwhile, The Pride of West Hollywood got so steamy on her way over that she requires an immediate shower and fingerfuck (to wipe off the stench of pussy juice and creamed corn and replace it with the stench of pussy juice and Bath & Body Works).
BANG!
this is also how the dementors do it
Thus the season kicks off with a sex montage of Whit-me/Sahara and Romi Flinger/Jay. Yay! Sexathon forever! Sigh.
Let’s travel to New York City, my home and native land (not really, Michigan is my home/native land, but New York City, where I lived for six years, is the only girl I’ve ever really loved) (besides my girlfriend) (who just said “I feel like a Real L Word widow”), where Hunter Valentine has trekked all the way from the Yukon Yak-and-Harp-Seal-laden lands of Canadia to “make it” as ROCK GODS.
San Dimas High School Rules
Let’s meet the band! First up is Kiyomi, Hunter Valentine’s lead singer:
is also an international fugitive
Kiyomi founded this band with Laura eight years ago. Laura’s on drums:
is also great at making brunch
Vero, no relation to Vemo, is on bass. She’s been in the band for about a year:
is hiding a hickey under that innocent scarf
Last but not least, Hunter Valentine has just added a new keyboardist:
there’s great pussy to be found on youtube
Wait, sorry, wrong picture. New keyboardist:
is that a bird… or a plane? or a plastic bag?
Yup, Somer is another lesbian with a cool haircut giving me perfect-jaw-envy (I’ve got a “weak chin” and thus am obsessed with humans who’ve got amazing jawlines, e.g., Tegan & Sara, Clea Duvall, SOMER BINGHAM). Howevs, as the above streetscape suggests, Somer’s not at practice which’s unfortunate ’cause they’ve got a “tour” to prepare for — HV’s got a gig coming up at South by Southwest, the Austin, Texas-based music festival I’ve got fond fond memories of.
but at this point would settle for klonopin or half an ativan
Rather than employ cellular telephone technology to locate and/or reprimand Somer, Hunter Valentine rehearses sans-keyboard and by “rehearses sans-keyboard” I mean “bitches about having to rehearse sans-keyboard.”
Kiyomi: “This is pointless because we don’t need to practice these songs.”
Laura: “It’s actually Somer who needs to practice these songs.”
Kiyomi: “— or we need to practice these songs–”
Both: “With Somer.”
Kiyomi interviews that Somer’s been her friend for ages and is a great musician but has band “commitment problems.” Also:
just saying
Anyhow, where the hell is Somer? Perhaps Waldo knows…
Smear over to the cold mid-afternoon streets of Brooklyn or Queens, where Somer’s dog-walking with Donna, her girlfriend of four years to whom she wedded in holy matrimony just this past summer.
I bet when Donna signed up for “in sickness and in health” she wasn’t aware she’d be subjected to constant expository conversations, like the enchanting exchange about Somer’s work and practice schedule the passionate duo engage in while dog-walking.
Somer interviews to set up her story arc/”conflict” for this season:
Somer: “The tour is supposed to be a trial period for me to see if we click on stage, if I have a good time playing the music, if we get along, for the band to make sure that I’m the person that they want, that they can get along with me, also in terms of my relationship with Donna, to see if our marriage can take me being away for weeks and months at a time.”
There’s some kind of transition to Somer finally showing up for practice which I’ve since forgotten and then here she is, surrounded by women with large instruments who are seething with passive-aggressive resentment towards Somer and her cute haircut and perfect jaw and latey-late-lateness.
you’re supposed to be screaming naked fingerfucking in the shower, it’s all in the contract!
Apparently Somer’s acquired minimal knowledge of the set-list but nevertheless exudes a maximum capacity for fun-fun-fun as well a maximum capacity for pushing Kiyomi’s buttons. Kiyomi declares, “we need to practice this song like ten times.”
Vero is super-jazzed about that suggestion:
how did i get here
More importantly, you may notice that Kiyomi is gradually applying more layers from interview to interview throughout this scene, suggesting an issue with climate change:
Psychotic Barbie music transitions us back to the doctor’s for The Return of Cori & Kacy, who you may recognize as the only cast members you still liked by the end of Season Two:
Cori & Kacy are hanging out at their favorite snack shack, The Gynecologist’s Office! On the menu today: an ultrasound of Cori’s four-month-old fetus situation! Yup — Cori and Kacy finally got pregnant.
i’m thinking the baby will be about three feet tall and about this wide
Lemme take a sidenote time out and issue a SPOILER ALERT for anybody who doesn’t already know what I’m about to say, but I’m pretty sure anybody who cares about this show already knows this — Cori and Kacy are going to lose this baby, and we know this because we wrote about it when it happened and you probably read it. I can’t even watch these scenes without thinking how hard it must be for Cori & Kacy to watch these scenes.
It’s just so tragic and so sad, because these two are so sweet and so rad, and so earnestly pumped about their potential offspring but all that joviality is impossible to enjoy, let alone mock (as recappers must), when one knows what’s coming. I can’t even bring myself to ask Intern Grace to photoshop a tiny hat onto this ultrasound.
and they were gonna name her charlie! charlie!
Cori: “After a few rounds of unsuccessful inseminations, everything that we’ve been doing this past year has finally worked.”
Kacy [to Cori]: “Little Mamasita!”
every kiss begins with k-acy
[Cori gets teary-eyed]
Cori: “I mean –”
Kacy: [pointing at Cori’s teary face] “That’s the best part.”
Cori: “We’re gonna have a baby!”
Kacy: “You see this, do you see the happiness here? That’s the best part.”
Cori: “It’s the hormones.”
fucking cutest people ever
Kacy tells the story of Cori leaping into bed with the freshly-peed-upon positive pregnancy test stick and they both get teary and also happy but also exhausted and then the doctor tells them they’re having a girl, and they’re so happy and this is me:
Back to Sarahara’s Sugar Shack, where Whit-me and Sarahara stick food in one another’s mouthholes while interviewing about how they used to be mega-dysfunctional, which segues into a charming retrospective of some of their best moments:
were we ever so young and gauzy
But now that they’ve taken a leap of faith bla bla bla they can love each other forever in the same apartment, like baby birds:
Whitney: “I think we’ve come so far because we’ve allowed ourselves to fall in love.”
just open a little wider and i’ll get that last pubic hair out of your molars
Luckily, says Sarahara, they realized the only thing keeping them apart besides Whit-me’s contractual obligation to be The Player was their “walls” and now they’ve taken their walls down, let the cameras way way way in, and thus embraced the mystical “connection” we’ve heard so much about.
Also:
Whitney: “Since Sara and I got really solid, Romi and I are not friends. Just because I think Sara felt betrayed.”
It’s okay, I get it — Romi inspired the Who’s At The Door Montage, and therefore Sara got left out of that whole private meme. It’s okay, Sarahara, I had Grace make you one:
Sarahara points out half-heartedly that “it’s hard to love somebody with your whole heart,” which isn’t true. Have you ever tried winning a round of Chopped with a whole (cow) heart in your basket? That’s hard.
and then we allowed ourselves to put on some layers and move to alaska
Smear over to the “Lyon Fine Jewelry Launch,” which we’re segued into with “Chic Los Angeles nightlife music.” It’s time to meet Lauren Bedford Russel, this sort of glamazonian blonde/pink-haired lesbian with shiny teeth and confident sex-appeal.
ok now take off your clothes and writhe around like fiona apple in ‘criminal’
So Lauren moved here from New York ten months ago and her jewelry is super-special and super-expensive and super shiny and AMAZING. In other words, Hija Por Vida, IT IS ON.
she just really felt like lesbian jewelers with oft-pink hair were under-represented on this show and i wanted to make a difference
Her launch is attended by familiar faces including Whit-me and Whit-me’s Wholehearted Love, Sarahara. Whit-me knows everybody, because she’s dipped her salami in everybody’s asiago cheese ball, so obviously she knows Lauren, but she doesn’t “KNOW” Lauren, if you know what I mean, but guess who does KNOW Lauren (LIKE THAT)? Kelsey!
best boi on the block
Yup. It seems Kelsey, Romi’s ex-girlfriend, rode another pink-haired beautiful tall jewelry designer’s pony recently.
note the hummus sponsorship in the background because lesbians love hummus
Lauren: “I hardly know Romi at all and yet there’s some crazy rivalry, I don’t understand it, maybe she’s uncomfortable because Kelsey and I sort of liked each other for a minute?”
Fuck that shit, Lauren’s got her eyes on the future:
because with amanda i can really be relevant, mature and collegiate
So Amanda’s being shipped to Los Angeles for the program, obviously, and whatever story they made up to explain it escapes me now but regardless the point is that Amanda and Lauren are “friends with benefits” and “of course we’re gonna end up hooking up.” So, you know. WATCH THIS SPACE.
Just to recap this recap thus far: this season’s allegedly about lesbian life in Los Angeles and New York City, but the NYC cast consists of a four-man band from Toronto who record in Toronto and are about to leave for Texas and a girl from New York City who’s moving to Los Angeles. If this is supposed to be New York City vs. Los Angeles, I think Los Angeles is winning? Womp WOMP.
But they don’t make them like this in Los Angeles:
nerdy butch dykes from brooklyn ftw always
Anyhow, let’s meet Amanda!
i know right, why let pigeons crap on your head all day when you can wear a stupid hat instead
We don’t really “meet Amanda” this episode as I’m still not clear if she’s a stylist, promoter, makeup artist or jewelry designer or maybe even something totally different we’ve never seen on this show before. Maybe she’s Catwoman?
pretty sure that she’s catwoman
Amanda and her lesbian hipster friends have gathered at a watering hole to bid adieu to their friend who, if the ensuing three minute monologue is any indication, hasn’t told anybody anything about her life or future until this very moment.
i was like, really, only $3,000 for the entire season? that’s highway robbery! but then i thought, you know, why not
Amanda’s gonna get all city girl on you:
Amanda: “Lauren and I have always talked about living together, like, growing our lives together, and it was just really important I think, for us, to do it while we’re young and we can afford it, and we can just explore and see what we want.”
haha that story about the roommates moving out is even funnier the sixth time
Much like Whit-me and Sarahara circa Season Two (jesus shoot me I can’t believe I even know this), Amanda and Lauren have always had sexual tension but have never lived in the same city while single before.
Amanda: “There’s always been a sexual tension between Lauren and I since like, the minute we met, which is why it makes everybody that loves us and dates us so uncomfortable.”
Therefore, Amanda’s upcoming move to Los Angeles will be The Ultimate Challenge!
this is what happened when i googled “ultimate challenge”
“It’s getting a little crowded, let’s go to the bar,” says Amanda. Ahhh the bar. Always a great place to stretch one’s limbs on a Friday night.
We zoom to another part of the city where Kiyomi’s returning to New York City from an Album Recording Adventure in The Wilds of Toronto to stay with her not-girlfriend, Ali.
Not-Girlfriend (noun) – Female with whom you sleep most nights and talk every day but do not consider yourself formally or monogamously involved with. Traditionally, not-girlfriends might always have dinner together, but are not one another’s go-to dates for weddings and office parties.
it’s all the same to showtime
Ali’s been slaving all day over a hot oven to create a musical-note shaped cake for Kiyomi, which is so fucking ridiculously cute that Kiyomi will be punished in the afterlife for not immediately undressing Ali and eating frosting off her nipples.
you guys ali seriously made her a cake in the shape of a musical note. a cake in the shape of a musical note!
Kiyomi and Ali interview regarding their variant perspectives on their relationship, which began maybe four or six or a billion months ago, I forget.
Kiyomi: “We’re not in a committed relationship, we’re supposed to just be casual, but we talk to each other every day and I just — I dunno where this is going.”
In other words, Ali thinks they’re basically girlfriends and Kiyomi is doing that thing where you say you’re not girlfriends but go completely batshit if your not-girlfriend talks to, kisses, or expresses physical attraction towards any other human being, ever.
and it’s classified by this recapper as non-interesting
Ali interviews that she and Kiyomi met through a mutual friend at a bar and then immediately hooked up in the bathroom, a story that she stole from me and my ex, Alex, and probably at least eighteen people reading this right now. Except for the next part where Ali woke up to find Kiyomi in her bed, like when Baby Bear came home and found Goldilocks in her bed.
and look, here she is again, in my bed!
Kiyomi: “Kissing you is so much different than all the other girls I’ve been kissing.”
Play on, player, play on.
Real L Word Season 3: New Video and Imagery Are Very Shiny And Weird
Despite our communal passion for the groundbreaking yet insufferable “hit” Showtime series The Real L Word, we somehow managed to miss the memo last week when Showtime released its latest — and hands-down its weirdest — new promo, “Opposites Attract.”
Season Three, which takes place in both Los Angeles and Brooklyn, will begin ruining my life on Thursday July 12th at 10 PM. Here’s a sneak peak of what that might look like:
There are also some new promotional photographs which reflect the aesthetic qualities of a Seventeen magazine fashion shoot, or perhaps an advertisement for Guess Jeans, Teen Spirit deodorant or tampons.
via The Hollywood Reporter
There’s also this delightful poster starring Whitney and, I believe, Romi‘s ass:
There’s more fun to be had at the Showtime website, which features some “signature cocktail” recipes “inspired” by the television program, as well as some cast members’ most favored beverages. There’s also a relatively long list featuring some of Chow.com’s favorite cocktails because, I assume, they have some promotional situation with Chow.com this year. You are invited to submit your own favorite cocktail recipes and maybe win a chance to have sex with Whitney. Wait sorry I mean, “a free copy of Season Two of The Real L Word.” Just in case you didn’t have enough fun the first time around.
What do you think of the new promo?
4 Minutes and 50 Seconds of Ilene Chaiken
Ilene Chaiken recently visited a wall of books about architecture in Los Angeles, where she was interviewed by Fashion News Live, a groundbreaking news program that brings you fashion news, live. My number one feeling about this video is that I like what Ilene Chaiken has done with her hair. I’m being totally honest. As for my secondary feelings re:Ilene Chaiken, you’re probably already familiar with them.
Actually though, for serious, she was at a reception at Rob Robinson on Melrose in Los Angeles for Romi Klinger (of The Real L Word)’s new jewelry collection, The Lost Girl!
Do you know how long it took me to learn how to spell the word jewelry? I literally think I finally got it down yesterday.
Unicorn Plan-It Episode 5: Hunting Bambi
Welcome to Episode #105 of the internet’s most revolutionary webseries, Unicorn Plan-It. This particular episode will take you on a whirlwind journey through the canyons, beaches and outdoor shooting ranges of Los Angeles, featuring several extra-special guest stars. If you’re new here, you definitely need to go catch up with the first four episodes, and here’s the rundown:
UNICORN PLAN-IT is a tight little comedy best described as Modern Family meets Kell on Earth meets “a bunch of hot lesbians in West Hollywood.” Has anyone made a show about that last one?
Three co-workers, one crazy boss and one enlightened fairy-tale-haired spiritual healer face the slings and arrows of everyday life as event planners and ladykillers and homosexuals.
“We refer to everyone as Unicorns, because gay people love them, because they are magical and lovely, and also, they are really just lesbian horses. Obvs. Holler. UNICORN PLAN-IT…Get horny.”
This show is written, directed, produced and edited by Real Lesbian Females who want to make you laugh, make you proud of who you are and generally make your life better in every way. Who are these real lesbian females? Haviland Stillwell (TV/Broadway actress, recording artist, vlogstar, voice of Yasmin in THE BRATZ!), Sarah Croce (Actress, Miss April, Girl Talk, Fake-Whitney), Ashley Reed (writer, upcoming film HART’S LOCATION, once recorded a song for you), and comedian Sherri D. Sutton. This episode also features Catherine Wadkins, Amir Levi, Romi Klinger (Hija Por Vida), Jill Bennett & Cathy DeBuono and Kelsey Chavarria.
Oh! Before we begin, I have some important news for you. You see these t-shirts?
photograph by wingspan pictures
You can have one of your very own! Just stop by our Autostraddle Store of Awesome and get yours for $25 — or $20 without “Get Horny” on the back.
Straight Outta Weho: Real L’s Romi Launches Rap Career With “Gay in LA”
So. This is a thing that happened today on the internet. I kinda like it, actually.
Courtesy of WorkitLA.com, directed by Daniel Ainsworth and featuring Romi Klinger and Shay from Love Darling.
The Real L Word Episode 209 Recap: The Pieces Fall Into Place On Top of Each Other
Hello Nation. It’s time for another episode of The Real L Word, a show about a group of teenage detectives who go around solving neighborhood crimes and mysteries with the help of a very secretive friend: Ghostwriter!
L to R: Lesbian playing Whitney, Lesbian wearing a vest, Lesbian with a flat-top, lesbian in mom jeans/belt/tucked in&billowed out shirt, lesbian in overalls, lesbian in flannel
Hello lesbians, lesbian allies, and people who have strong feelings about lesbian erasure and welcome to the very last recap of the worst show in the whole wide world besides I Want a Famous Face, The Real L Word. As I’ve mentioned in the past, it’s a show which follows young sapphics as they have sex, talk about sex, talk about Whitney, and wrestle in various liquid food items.
Number one feeling about this episode?
[Sidenote: Because I’m supposed to be in a car right now on the way to San Diego to talk about something important, I feel insecure about the quality of this recap which I wish I had four more hours to obsess over than I do.]
ARE YOU READY !?!
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We open with The Real L Word getting all Suddenly Sundance with about 45 seconds of avant garde to the skippy sounds of a song my intern tells me is called “New Little Girl” by Kimberly Nichole, a singer apparently as famous as the cast of this show. Guess Tempted was too expensive.
Romi’s very year-of-her-birth today with a 1981-inspired morning routine which includes ancient arts like shaving one’s legs in the bath-tub, listening to records on a record player, and wearing tri-pink-colored bras from The Limited Too.
the wife of bath
Romi’s all like, bla bla sober sober getting my life together, no more Kelsey, bla blah, whitneysex was fun but won’t let the Mixterator get in the way of her career goals with Love and Pride Jewelry etc etc blah blah.
Speaking of the Jewels, Romi’s prepared like a Boy Scout for this Day Out. Lest a hapless midwestern lesbian attempt to wear a necklace as a feather earring, Romi and Vanessa are putting together a “look book” because in order for them to succeed, they need an visual explanation of “who the girl is and how you wear the jewelry.”
Top Model Challenge: The One With the Mohawk and the Tunic
You know how America’s Next Top Model gets more & more irrelevant every season as they dangle anorexic 24-year-olds from helicopters and dunk them in dry ice and paint their faces into other people’s faces and then stick jungle leaves in their tits and tell them to model through a flesh-eating bacteria epidemic? I wish this part was an episode of ANTM where Romi had to do a shoot on a rooftop in this Futuristic Dominatrix Monk tunic thing and she was afraid of heights. You know?
romi's evil twin
Romi: “There’s more love, there’s more passion, and there’s gonna be more heartache that comes to it too if things don’t work out.”
one thing's for sure: my hair is bangin'!
The camera loves her. It’s never really loved someone like this before.
Over to Whitney, who’s driving my dream car through my television nightmare, declaring her hookup with Romi “a mistake” ’cause of Kelsey & Romi’s recent split, which is so very whatever. “Romi and I will always be friends.” Yawn yawn black swan.
she's my favorite mistake
Whitney’s jitney’s heading to LAX to snatch the exotic brunette Whitney ordered on ErosGuide this morning, Jaq.
when a lady has 56 identical lovers, you run out of lower-third options
Jaq is Whitney’s San Francisco Treat, second only to Rice-a-Roni.
Maybe I’m just unable to wrangle through Jaq’s battalion of accessories and multifaceted jingly pirate apparel to hear her words or thoughts, but I’m 85% sure she’s spoken maybe five words this season. She’s a body, Whitney will fuck it, next!
Jaq appropriated three different cultures just to make that one earring
“Jaq’s coming to town to help with the pants vs pumps event,” says Whitney, which makes as much sense as anything ever has in Whitney World. Palm trees!
Francine’s mother, adorned in a silk leopard-print blousey thing and the largest most amazing sunglasses in the Sunshine State, has arrived.
no mom wait 'til we get to the cabaret show to start dancing with me, this isn't grey gardens
Francine’s dying on the inside with her big gay secret, but Momma jumps right on in to the boyfriend-pushing and cassette-mongering. By the way: love her. Wish this show was Date my Mom instead of whatever it is, I Want a Famous Face or something.
dream lover come rescue my daughter
Fun fact: Francine’s Mom was apparently a “famous actress and singer” in Japan in the 60’s, which I’d like to see an entire documentary about but instead I’m watching this show. Continuing with the vintage audio device theme Romi established with her record player (she was listening to Frampton Comes Alive! if you must know), Mom’s brought Francine “cassette tapes of me singing” which is so so very Little Edie (sans craziness/raccoons).
put that shit in the tapedeck francine
Yoko’s talking about boys as Francine makes a face for every stage of necrotizing fasciitis.
Mrs. Francine: “Yeah, if you’re going to choose a guy, he has to be nice.”
Francine: “Yeah.”
Mrs. Francine: “Of course they need to have money, too, not just a pretty face. You’ll get bored of the face in one year.”
Francine, who’s been bored of the face since grade school, manages, “It’s important to be with a — good person.”
god this lady has no fucking idea how fucking gay i am
Francine: “It always makes me a little on edge when she comes into town but this time I’m even more on edge because I want to come out to her.”
where can i get rid of this church's chicken before it stinks up the hotel room
Look at Yoko and Baby Francine:
when i knew
I used to think Francine’s look was Fancy Hobo but now I realize it’s 100% Olsen Twins:
who wore it better
At the hotel, Francine retires to poolside where she vacillates between Foxtrot Posture and Pain Faces while staring at her phone and freaking out. Francine rings room service for two girly gaywads with a slice of lime and a cherry in hopes the grenadine or vodka will inspire her to reveal her gayself to Yoko, who I already have this like very deep tender love for that I can’t explain.
i feel like there's flesh-eating bacteria in my solar plexus
#headdesk
or maybe email? what about email? an e-card?
Over at Rachel’s Rock Bottom, our hapless heroine’s submitting herself to therapy, ’cause the best way to really expose yourself emotionally is to do it on Showtime in front of the 400 people who still watch this show.
rachel, you are getting very sleepy. very sleepy.
The Therapist, in all her therapeutic splendor, says things and then Rachel says this thing:
Rachel: “I’ve always had problems talking about my emotions and whatnot. I lost my father like ten years ago very suddenly and then I had to move in with my grandparents who just lost their son — their only son — you know at that time my Mom and me were not like, okay… I also hate crying so I don’t do it, especially around my family, I never cry. I don’t want them to think that I’m sad.”
i guess they're gonna know now that i'm sad though
Rachel was close to her father. He went to PFLAG and was supportive, a regular Novotny (sorry I can’t stop bringing her up, the woman just needs to be seen). He even let Rachel’s kicked-out-of-her-own-home girlfriend shack up with them. Meanwhile according to Rachel, Mom is always “walking by” and telling her she’s going to hell.
hi rachel, you're going to hell and i made peach cobbler
I love how I repeatedly have nothing in common with anyone on this show besides death. And I guess life. Not even taxes, ’cause I haven’t paid my taxes in two years ’cause I don’t know how.
have you been seeing spencer, emily and hanna?
Upon leaving therapy, Rachel says she feels way better, like “a lot of pressure is out of [her] body.” In a way it is — when something terrible happens and you become the De Facto Capable Adult in your broken family you sort of store all that excruciating pain and sorrow in a drawer in the back reaches of your brain. And when people ask how you’re doing about that death thing, you say “I just block it out,” and they then they tell you it’ll catch up to you one day, all that repressed sadness. One day everything beyond the blocks will hurtle forwards and eat you alive when you least expect it. So you do other things, like drink and do drugs and work all the time so everyone else’s needs take up all the room in your brain, leaving very little space for your own feelings, which is just how you want it. But you fear the pit everybody’s warned you about, you’re still afraid that it’s lurking and could unexpectedly explode. Will it kill you? Sometimes you feel like it could kill you.
And then somebody makes you go, pays for you to go, calls so you can go, does everything short of sitting there and explaining your life story to the therapist so you can go. Then it feels passive enough to not set off the alarm system you installed on every emotional wall. Then you sit down and you say all the things and you cry and then there it is. That thing you’ve been afraid of — taking out your sad little heart out of your anxious chest and holding it up to the light — has started. And you’re still alive. More alive, even.
So anyhow, that’s what I think she meant by “I feel like a lot of pressure is out of my body.”
Cori & Kacy are sitting on the couch with chocolate milk and a dildo, talking about sperm.
i can't open my mouth any wider i swear
Kacy and Cori make penis jokes and slap each other with the prosthetic, which I hope they stick in the dishwasher afterwards. Also, they say weird things like this:
Kacy: “Lesbians have this tendency to befriend guys with huge penises because they never have to ride that donkey.”
Her lips, G-d’s ears.
bitch i will pimp slap you with two cheeseburgers and a dildo
Cori: “That guy has the biggest dick ever!”
Kacy: “It’s super ridiculous.”
which is why we're going to sinclair sexsmith's how to use a strap on workshop at good vibrations in san francisco next week
Long story way too long — Cori’s strappin’ up for the Great Gyno in the Sky again rather than using The Tugaboat Penis Machine, like a proper First Worldian Lesbian. More importantly, Kacy’s hair in this scene is six degrees of sexy like Kevin Bacon:
Over at Whitney’s Whimsical Workshop, Whit-Brit’s putting her hammer-swinging skills to good use, spray-painting and building shit with Jaq, who is suspiciously also operating various power tools.
it was the night before christmas, and all through the house...
The Pumps/Pants set pieces, inspired by Putt-Putt and high school productions of Guys & Dolls, are huge and ridiculous and unnecessary and also cute/oh.
butthead, she said "suck" heh heh heh heh
Hold your seasonably-inappropriate hats tight on your heads, ladies, ’cause Whitney’s about to blow your mind by doing something totally unique and important.
you remind me of a baby koala that i once knew
And the Whitney tape goes round and round and the painted ponies go up and down, we’re captured on a carousel of screentime. We can’t look back, we can only look, behind from where she came, and go round and round and round in the circle game.
Whitney: “If we work this well together making props, could we work this well together in a relationship? It’s possible.”
Just to recap, Episode 201:
Whitney: “I mean, we’ve given it a shot before so I don’t know if it’s meant to be for the future. Casual hookup [with Rachel]? It’s a possibility.”
Also earlier this season:
Whitney: “Is [Sara] someone I could see myself lasting with? I don’t know what the exact answer is.”
Just leavin’ all the doors open. Flapping in the breeze.
Cut to the shower, where Whitney and Jaq disrobe and make out in the red-light district of the Harem Bathroom. The lighting/music makes it seem like they’re slathering each other in cooking oil in a post-apocalypse sauna/bomb shelter.
I’d like to quote the song playing during this scene:
Ahhhh
Ohhhhhhh
Yeahhhhhh
Turn the lights out
Baby
Did you like that
I know you did.
Top that, EZ Girl.
hot cross buns
Real L Word’s Romi Klinger Launches Jewelry Line Hija por Vida
Jess’s Team Pick:
It was a sweet moment for those who know and love one Miss Romi Klinger. Her Real L Word storyline has taken her from pretty prop for Whitney to hot mess girlfriend to a mature woman committed to sobriety. With an undying passion for fashion, Romi channeled her talent and creative energy into designing her very own line of eccentric bracelets, necklaces, anklets and (feather) earrings (obvs). And now, as seen on the Real L Word finale, Romi’s jewelry line Hija por Vida (Daughter for Life, co-created with friend Vanessa Salazar) finally got the stamp of approval to distribute through Love and Pride, the leading online store specializing in gay and lesbian jewelry, fashion and design.
Founded on their commonality of being Mexican daughters raised by strong mothers, HIJA is strongly influenced by sentimental objects and memories from their childhoods.
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