Six Queers on Polyamory and Identity

It’s not healthy for a relationship to form a person’s whole identity. But a relationship orientation can be a fundamental part of it. Here are six queers from Autostraddle’s Poly Pocket series on how their approach to consensual non-monogamy intersects with their identity.

Lazarus, 24, Albuquerque New Mexico

Lazarus, a queer solo poly non-binary trans/genderqueer Black kid with a white mom, stepping into polyamory was part of stepping into their gender and fuller sense of self:

“[M]y poly identity fits in neatly with my identity as a radical anti-racist decolonial sex-positive Black trans queer. I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying to undo a lot of damage. I’m trying to interrogate the aspects of my life and identity that are the results of oppression, or that perpetuate oppression. For me polyamory is an aspect of this. I view polyamory as a structure that’s helpful in me decolonizing my love life and the way I view relationships. Having complete ownership of everything within the borders of my skin, and doing what I desire with it and with whom, is an incredible “fuck you” to the systems of oppression I seek to dismantle (and a fun one!). Allowing myself to love fully and completely has helped me foster compassion and empathy in ways I never anticipated, and I think these are two key parts of being an effective organizer or activist. The ability to love openly and fiercely, especially in times like this.

It also has enabled to see myself as a part of a larger web of things, not just in transit from one family unit to another. An alternative kinship without discrimination.”

Tyler, 23, Baltimore

For Tyler, a native and Jewish queer trans woman with Cerebral Palsy, poly and queerness are closely linked:

“[P]olyamory and queerness are pretty much inseparable for me in practice. I realize it might not be that way for everyone, but I find a lot of joy in acknowledging all the ways I’m attracted to my friends and lovers and all the ways they’re attracted to me. Not all of them are sexual, in fact, I think it’s part of why I celebrate non-sexual attraction as much as sexual attraction.”

Ginger, 40, Oakland

Ginger, a white femme cis woman queer polyamorous woman, says that for her seeing poly as a place of openness and choice lets her explore different parts of herself with lots of different people:

“Poly can feel like the most deviant of all the parts of my identities. Mono culture is deep in ways that I don’t think we often fully understand. I think being queer is more understood but that being poly makes a lot of people uncomfortable. There’s a lot of negative assumptions. and our culture is structured to be so mono partnered. Even the race towards gay marriage affirms that norm. There’s a scarcity element, in the sense of that the dominant narrative and I’d argue how our society and culture is structured is that you are seeking a soul mate, one person can fulfill all your needs. That’s super limiting and, I’d argue, boring. And it means you are in a one-to-one relationship with someone without realizing how you’re in multiple relationships to others all the time, at work, with friends, family, etc. For me, standing in my poly identity allows me to see all my relationships as valuable.”

Cecelia, 23, Brooklyn

Cecelia, a mixed-race Asian genderqueer polyamorous bisexual femme, says that polyamory is the only style of dating they could ever participate in, and that it’s a way to reconcile different and seemingly contradictory elements of their identity:

“I like polyamory because it really fulfills all of the conflicting, at-odds parts of myself that I’ve always been told that I had to somehow reconcile. I’m mixed-race so I’ve always felt like ‘not quite this thing, but not quite this other thing.’ And then being bisexual is like ‘you don’t belong here, but also not really here.’ So polyamory is a way I can say Fuck You to all of that.

I’m actively not ashamed of how different relationships allow me to perform gender differently, or give me a way to build love and acceptance with someone based on our similar life experience with race or any other mutual point of interest, really. When I realized that other people had always partially defined what categories I did or didn’t have access to, I decided to actively resist that.”

Mona, 28, Urban Midwest

How poly relates to someone’s sense of self can also change over time. Though she once did, Mona, an Arab-American queer demisexual ethically non-monogamous cis woman, no longer sees polyamory as particularly central to her identity. She’s found that stepping back from a local poly scene and not having the time to date means that other elements of her identity are now more important than her relationship orientation:

“I think if you asked me that a year ago or two years ago, I would have said it’s central to my understanding of myself in the same ways that my class background, race, ethnicity, gender, and sexuality are. But now I’m not so sure. Those other elements of my identity and social position have a much greater bearing on my everyday life. That’s in part the product of my disengagement with a predominately white, wealthy, hetero poly scene. It’s also because I haven’t had the time or desire to date; I just want to spend my time with people I already know and love.”

Traci, 32, Southern California

Poly can also be central even when it’s not currently in practice. “Out of all the pieces of identity I’ve had to come out about over the years (and there have been a few!) I have to say that ‘being poly’ in the way that I see the world has been one that I’ve experienced at the deepest and most consistent core levels,” says Traci, a Japanese American polyamorous queer. Traci is now in a functionally monogamous relationship and redirecting her energy towards their partner and growing family instead of towards navigating different relationships, but polyamory still very much informs the way she moves through the world:

“[S]eeing the world from a place of potential connection and collaboration rather than competition (which are pieces that are core tenets of my poly philosophy) interact with all other elements of my identity. […] [C]onnection, collaboration, honoring other beings in our life for more than function, and having openness to folks creating lives that feel like a uniquely good fit for them, are really significant parts of how I understand myself.”

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities.

Sex ed almost never includes queer women or our experiences, so we’re exploring pleasure, safety, relationships and more to make that information more accessible. A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines.

Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!

Five Poly People on Navigating Jealousy in Any Type of Relationship

At some point, everyone gets jealous. When it’s because your cat is giving someone more attention than you or your girlfriend is giving some cat more attention than you, the insecurity, anxiety, totally-up-in-your-own-head feelings of jealousy — along with the nausea, or a weird flash of heat, or like the ground is out from under you — are just sometimes part of life.

Some polyamorous claim to just not experience jealousy, but I think for most of us, it’s not that we don’t experience jealousy — it’s just that we’re more experienced in dealing with it. Like any other uncomfortable feeling, you can either examine it and figure out where it comes from and what you want to do about that, or you can ignore and repress it and wait for it to come out sideways or blow up in your face.

Here are five people from Autostraddle’s Poly Pocket series on where jealousy comes from and how they handle it.

Mina, 32, American South

Mina, a multiracial queer woman, says that what’s worked for her is questioning ideas of what relationships look like in theory versus practice, and what she wants them to look like for her specifically. Not deconstructing assumptions, in her experience, can lead to jealousy:

“I think jealousy — at least as I’ve seen it among my poly friends — often stems from an unwillingness to interrogate one’s own assumptions about oneself and one’s partner(s). I do NOT think that everything can be resolved by communication, but sometimes it sure does help clear the air.”

Instead, her approach involves thinking about relationships as deep and unique — and if that’s what relationships look like in your life, it can get a lot easier to see them that way in other people’s lives, too:

“The idea that ‘loving more than one person is possible’ finally started to make sense to me when I realized that I describe more than one person as ‘my best friend.’ For me, ‘best friend’ is more like a level than an exclusive, one-person-only category — I love each of these people deeply, and differently, and I wouldn’t try to prioritize which one of them I love ‘more’ because that isn’t the point of how we care for each other. Happiness is not a competition. And so the idea that I could also, in theory, be in love with more than one person at once… that idea started to make more sense.”

Cecelia, 23, Brooklyn

Cecelia, a mixed-race Asian genderqueer polyamorous bisexual femme, says they don’t experience jealousy because they’re aware of what they can bring to any relationship and know they can’t be everything for any person:

“I actually don’t really get jealous, so that helps. I feel confident that I can bring a really specific and positive energy to a relationship, but I also know that I can never provide one person with everything that they need in a relationship. For example, I’m insecure about how funny I am sometimes. So it makes me happy if my partner has someone who makes them laugh for days, because they deserve to have that energy too. And it relieves the pressure on me to be super funny or whatever. Because I know that if they need a good deep and healing convo, they’ll come to me.”

For them, a fundamental part of their approach is seeing each person’s complexity and multiplicity, and taking joy from all the ways there are to try to feel complete, which means supporting others who want that, too:

“I think we’re taught that being whole means being one easily recognizable thing … I believe that each person contains a bunch of conflicting, intersecting parts, and that different people can make someone feel really vibrant in many beautiful different ways. So if I really like someone, it makes me excited when they have multiple partners who can light up different parts of their mind/body/soul etc.”

Nicole, 20, Philadelphia

Nicole, a Latina queer polyamorous femme, says that she experiences less jealousy outside of serious relationships than inside of them, but that it still sometimes comes up in her dating life, and that empathy helps her through it:

“When people I date mention their past partners, I usually get this random slight pang of jealousy, but it’s not very significant. I try to prevent jealous thoughts by putting myself in the other person’s shoes, and realizing that I would not want them to be jealous nor see the need for them to be if the situation were reversed.”

Seeing love as appreciation, and not as possession, also helps:

“I do not believe that love is something that is limited and can only be shared with one person at a time. I also believe that love is about appreciation and not possession. Someone’s separate relationships should not affect how I feel about them. People have different aspects of themselves, and sometimes, those aspects can only all be satisfied by different people.”

Linh, 22, Bay Area

Linh, a Vietnamese American bisexual grey ace polyamorous woman, experienced a lot of jealousies with her first polyamorous relationship, a long-distance secondary partnership. Discussing her next relationship, she frames the issues for her as less about jealousy and more about comfort:

“Jealousy isn’t really an issue with the two of us so we’ll talk openly about dates and crushes and it’s totally fine. Once in a while I’ll go on a date that, after I tell him how it goes, he’ll tell me it made him uncomfortable and so we’ll talk about why and come up with rules from there. … Basically, if someone feels like something’s fishy or weird, then that person’s feelings have to be first priority and decisions are made accordingly. It’s been working out for us so far because we generally have the same vibes given the same situation.”

We also can’t talk about jealousy without talking about its opposite: compersion. Compersion is when you feel happy that someone with whom you’re in a relationship — however serious or casual — feels happy with someone else. It’s an energizing empathy that can feel as good as jealousy feels bad. Linh describes what it can be like:

“[When one of us dates or crushes on someone new,] it involves a lot of playful teasing and advice-giving! We both get super flustered with new crushes (as most people do!) and I find it super cute to see him in that phase again, and I know he finds it charming when I’m all blushy and crushy too. It adds a new layer of excitement to our relationship. Similar to how your best friend would be super excited to hear you have a crush on the local Starbucks barista.”

Jasmine, 23, Los Angeles

Jasmine, a bisexual polyamorous nonbinary femme xicanx, found that looking at where her jealousy comes from helps her — not because the feeling goes away, but because she can then be honest about it and about what she’s feeling:

“I used to be really jealous, but then I learned that it came from my own insecurities of someone leaving me for someone else because the other person was ‘better.’ With therapy, I’ve gotten WAY less jealous but there are times that jealousy does come up. I’ve been able to do a lot of introspection about where that comes from and why and address it that was rather than expressing it in a way that is unnecessarily harmful.”

Figuring out where the feeling comes from can be a challenge, and so can owning what that feeling is, but you still have to move forward:

I try to be honest and have conversations about what the jealously is directed towards once I figure that out. Like, if I feel jealous about my partner’s relationship, I’ll try to be as honest as I can with my partner and let them know I’m feeling jealous/insecure so they can give me a little more reassurance.

I say ‘try’ because sometimes it’s really hard to admit when you’re jealous and insecure of someone else so it’s sometimes harder than other times to be open and honest about what you’re feeling.”

Poly Pocket: Polyamory As All Possibility

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Sorieano is a 23-year-old polyam queer femme living in Long Beach, CA. She/they are in a long-term relationship with a cis man.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Sorieano: I think the moment I lost interest in getting out of being single was the first time I definitely saw polyamory as a possibility. I can’t pinpoint the exact time I first knew or considered it, but sometime when I was a junior in college (that was like four years ago) I lost my interest in finding “the one” or maybe gave up. Not sure what that was about but I found myself appreciating multiple relationships I was in and while I may have not seen it as polyamory because I wasn’t actively dating anybody, I definitely had it in mind and I had it set that a “romantic” or “sexual” relationship doesn’t set my ability to love and foster other loving relationships and consider them apart or even less than.

I didn’t get into a “serious romantic” relationship until the one I’m in now. I was dating at some point, and dating doesn’t have a seal for me because I’ve had dating partners go MIA on me multiple times. Being polyamory never came up until I was a year in with the man I’m with. He initially thought it was a good idea to encourage me to date women because he knew I had a stronger attraction towards femmes (some people understand it as just women when I say that I’m into femmes, as a femme person myself). That’s how he also came out to me as polyamorous, and he actually has had more experience than I have.

“I think the moment I lost interest in getting out of being single was the first time I definitely saw polyamory as a possibility.”

My relationship with him boils down to him being my best friend. We met online and started off as friends, and while he and I together are seen as one another’s partners, I essentially don’t see a difference. Neither does he. At the moment, I’m very casually dating another man and I believe he’s not dating anyone (least not that I know of, for him). We were dating the same girl once, but we went our separate ways even though we keep in contact.

Carolyn: What do you find most exciting about your approach to relationships? What do you find to be a struggle?

Sorieano: I’m very light hearted with the dating part but very much invested in the relationship. I’m casually dating someone who I also happen to be forming a more intimate relationship with because thanks to technology, I can with my busy schedule. I do like my partner’s approach as well, which is pretty much encouraging me to just put myself out there to find more love like he does. It sounds like something I’d do as well since it’s how I got to meet him, once upon a time.

The struggle is the labeling. When I’m dating someone, I don’t assume we’re a thing unless they say we are or I ask “hey are we a thing?” When my partner and I dated the girl, him just using the word “dating” meant she was our girlfriend to him. I had to be the one to really question that because if I’m dating someone, I try to be as transparent as possible but I don’t know if they are as well. Someone could see dating as just an activity, maybe a process towards a “real, committed” relationship, whereas I already feel like I’m forming one. The rest of the details just come as we go.

So this conversation comes up often because while I can see it, I don’t assume right away to be safe — the other person may not see us being more than just good company.

Carolyn: You mentioned that you and your partner have dated the same person before — how did that situation come about, and what was it like?

Sorieano: I believe she was initially interested in me, my partner was interested in her as well, and after our first date, I was a bit unsure of what to do because I was going through some things. They started dating each other and it wasn’t until maybe a month later, after he was telling me how great she was and how he thought she would still like to date me, too, that I went ahead and asked her out. It was tricky though because while we set dates as separate pairs, her schedule was even more hectic than mine and sometimes she couldn’t make them and made them up in triad dates — all three of us together out and dating.

It was mainly okay unless it was something else in place of something that I specifically set time for. Last-minute cancellations were a drag but the triad dates were cute, very much great to have two people I care about at the same time with me. I’m not quite used to having more than one person out with me, even in my platonic relationships, because I didn’t grow up with many friends.

Carolyn: What happened to those dynamics?

Sorieano: Personally, I found it hard to communicate with this person. There was a lack of transparency that even with my efforts wouldn’t go away. What I did manage to get clear as day was that to her, we were pretty much good company to have. I didn’t feel strongly disappointed in that as my partner did. On my end, I just told her that right now it seems we’re better off as a platonic thing.

Carolyn: In that situation or in other relationship situations, how do you negotiate conflict? How do you negotiate change?

Sorieano: In previous situations, I’ve always seemed to be the one to negotiate conflict/change and it would always consist of me being more accommodating to others. I’ve stopped that, and now what I do is provide clear details of what I can and cannot do. Negotiating with conflict takes a lot out of me, I feel like I can only do it once if it’s so worth the while, but if shit hits the fan, I’m out, as much as it may hurt. Negotiating change is a multiple way street; I am willing to work out things if the others are willing to as well and cooperate with me. Usually I’ll have an idea of what we need or I’ll at least ask and try to find a resolution that every one can be comfortable enough with or work towards.

“While I love being queer and polyamorous, they both have brought on a set of challenges […] Monogamous folks have their own set, by the way, there’s not one relationship style better than the other. Regardless, relationships are a lot of work.”

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Sorieano: Being queer and poly makes things so weird for me. I feel like a lot of people who don’t like it either would or do conflate the two. Because I’m queer, people would assume I’m into everybody and WANT to date everybody. Not the case… at least right now.

I can’t tell if being polyamorous complicates the way I view relationships in general but I feel like it makes sense the other way around. My views on relationships sound off to those I’m around who aren’t queer, aren’t polyamorous, and so saying “I’m polyamorous” probably doesn’t help them much. But for those curious enough, it invites conversation and they’ll ask “what does that mean?” and they’ll go through assumptions so I can explain if it applies or not.

While I love being queer and polyamorous, they both have brought on a set of challenges that a lot of people might not consider when looking at polyamorous dynamics versus monogamous ones. Monogamous folks have their own set, by the way, there’s not one relationship style better than the other. Regardless, relationships are a lot of work. Polyamory just keeps expanding my thinking on relationships. I think that’s one of the great things about it.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Sorieano: I hope it would be one where I’m very career focused, successful in turning my hobbies into a career and still able to give my time and attention to those I’m with. I worry about that now because I’m in and out of tasks/work, trying to make a better future more plausible to where I can focus more on my relationships. I could be doing that now, but I also feel like I have so much to do right now, it wouldn’t be fair for the persons I’m dating, unless they want to be there to support each other’s goals.

This is the last installment in Poly Pocket. View the complete series.

Poly Pocket: Figuring Out Where To Start

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Danielle Dorsey is a 31-year old pansexual non-monogamous Black woman living in Los Angeles. She is currently single and works as a freelance writer and editor. Check out her website at Danielledorky.com.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to think about exploring polyamory?

Danielle: I would say I was first introduced to it about five years ago when I entered the kink community, but identified as monogamous until my last relationship. We started out just going to play parties and playing mostly as a unit but that eventually evolved into an open relationship. After we broke up, I decided that I wanted to explore polyamory and ethical non-monogamy in my next partnership. So far I haven’t really had a chance to act on it.

Right now, my poly life probably looks fairly boring, as I’m mostly just talking with friends who are poly and reading as much as possible so that I can figure out how I want to implement it in my next relationship. I’m recently single so I’m also figuring out how to broach that topic as I put myself out there and begin to date.

Carolyn: When you meet people, how do you position conversations about poly or what kind of relationships you’re interested in? And how are you trying to position your break up?

Danielle: I haven’t quite figured out how to do it with people I meet organically while I’m out and about. I guess I probably have some misplaced bi guilt that I’m still working through that makes me feel like I’m being greedy or slutty by wanting to explore polyamory. Online dating is a bit easier because I can size a person up beforehand. I’m pretty upfront about all of that in my profile so I tend to attract like-minded people. I find that when I connect with other poly people, it’s all really easy to talk about, including my break up.

“I have always been very independent so my attitude towards relationships tends to be very relaxed — if it happens, it happens.”

Carolyn: How would you characterize your attitude toward relationships generally?

Danielle: I have always been very independent so my attitude towards relationships tends to be very relaxed — if it happens, it happens. I don’t want to force anything. I enjoy meeting new people and I still try to be friends even if we don’t click romantically.

Carolyn: In light of that independence and openness, and in your experience in your past relationship and research and talking to friends etc about poly, what elements of poly do you find most compelling? What elements do you find less compelling?

Danielle: I used to think that my partner’s interest in someone else reflected upon me and our relationship. I feel like I’ve become more confident since letting go of that belief and not allowing other people to determine how I feel about myself.

I also think that when practiced in a healthy way poly forces you to be really honest with yourself and communicate more openly.

I don’t like how some people use polyamory to pressure their partners into unhealthy situations. I had a friend who was exploring poly in a new relationship, and one of her boyfriend’s other partners showed up at her house in the middle of the night raising hell. They had no idea about each other but he made her feel like that was part of what she signed up for. I feel like stuff like that gives polyamory a bad name.

I guess I just feel a pull to explore it further than I have in my past relationships. Polyamory sort of feels like a path I’ve been on for a while but certain beliefs or pressures made me resist it before. I feel ready now, whereas before I felt like monogamy was the more secure option or meant that my partner cared more, etc. I’ve let go of all that and am ready to give it an honest shot.

Carolyn: Has the way you approach relationships influenced by your childhood family or any other early models?

Danielle: Definitely. I was raised in a fairly conservative household and my parents divorced when I was young. I feel so lucky to have been raised by my mom. She did so much & made it look so easy! I think that’s part of why I’m so independent and have never felt like I needed to be in a relationship to be happy or complete. I do still struggle with how I will “come out” to my parents in that regard. I don’t think they’d understand polyamory at all.

Carolyn: Other than your parents, how out about it are you?

Danielle: Very. I’ve always been very open about that kind of stuff with my friends. I have a friend who, like me, has not yet practiced poly but is drawn to the lifestyle. She’s also single so we are on a similar page and look to each other for support.

And I’m just starting to get more active on Fetlife and look for related munches. Luckily I already have a lot of friends who identify as poly or nonmonogamous that I can look to for guidance and advice.

“Polyamory sort of feels like a path I’ve been on for a while but certain beliefs or pressures made me resist it before. I feel ready now.”

Carolyn: Where do poly and kink fit together for you? Where do they depart?

Danielle: In terms of Fetlife, I just recently became active after a couple year hiatus. I haven’t ventured out to any events yet. For me, since kink is an expectation for me in my sexual relationships, they’re pretty linked, and I think because it’s already sort of an underground, tightknit community, poly fits into that pretty naturally.

My last relationship was open in that we were both fine with the other pursuing casual connections, but never really went beyond that. We played together with other singles quite a bit, but kink didn’t enter the picture too much because we never really had deeper discussions about limits, safe words, etc. In the future I just want to be more open to both of us exploring connections of all types.

To clarify, we didn’t have those deeper discussions with the people we’d bring in, so didn’t feel comfortable getting too kinky with them. I feel like that requires a certain level of trust that we never reached with casual partners.

Carolyn: As you start to explore it, where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity?

Danielle: To be honest, since I’ve yet to fully put it into practice, I can’t say that it functions as more than a preference, currently. I have never been in love or in a committed relationship with more than one person at a time, so I can’t yet say for sure whether I’m naturally oriented that way.

But I am independent, very open minded, and always wanting to explore new things.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Danielle: I want to have a relationship where we respect and honor each others’ needs and communicate about them honestly. I want to have the freedom to explore the different facets of my identity with support from my partner and provide the same for them. Right now I’m just looking for new connections with interesting people and seeing where that leads.

Poly Pocket: If You Don’t Take Care Of Yourself, It Just Doesn’t Work

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Ginger is a 40-year-old white femme cis woman queer polyamorous partnered and living in Oakland. She is in a long-term relationship (20 years!) and works in social justice.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: Wow 20 years!

Ginger: Yeah, it still boggles my mind it’s been that long.

Carolyn: Did you discover polyamory independently, or together?

Ginger: I think together, but we both brought our own understandings to the table. we had always from the very early days when we didn’t even admit we we were dating that we wouldn’t “own” the other.

Carolyn: What were your early discussions/negotiations around it like?

Ginger: Mostly about not ever wanting to be married and that our bodies were our own — that was somewhat centered around also agreeing we never wanted kids — but mostly we were independent people who happen to really like each other and wanted to spend ridiculous amounts of time together.

When I met my partner, Atlee, I wasn’t out to myself yet. He always had a hunch though.

I grew up in a super conservative evangelical culture. I had no role models for what gay culture was and if I had some insight it was always in context of sin and/or wrongness. Looking back I can definitely see how my queerness was deeply internalized. For example, I never dated anyone in high school. No one interested me, but that was because none of the boys were interesting to me. I couldn’t even fathom an alternative. Then college! it opened up new ways of thinking and seeing other relationships that I never had access to. I had to leave South Dakota to find myself.

In South Dakota it was very heteronormative. It was always monogamous. In Ohio, around 1996 or 1997 for the last half of my undergrad, I saw and became friends with openly queer people and was in a really active art/music community. That was the first time I had seen and heard of the term polyamory.

“Polyamory appealed to me because it felt much more honest and ethical. It was more realistic in that I know intrinsically that we can love more than one person.”

Carolyn: What about polyamory appealed to you? And when did you begin to explore it in your own life?

Ginger: Polyamory appealed to me because it felt much more honest and ethical. It was more realistic in that I know intrinsically that we can love more than one person. I think this is where being a twin comes into play in some deep level — I think about how I had to from a very early age learn how to have more than one relationship with someone. And how I had to break away at times to be independent (non monogamous on broadly defined in this case) and find my own sense of self. Being a twin was also how I knew intrinsically that I had the capacity to deeply love more than one person.

I began to test out monogamous boundaries in Ohio but nothing serious until I moved to Seattle. In Seattle, it moved from theory to practice. I knew I wanted to be in a long-term relationship with Atlee since I love him so deeply but also had real desires to explore my queerness in more open and honest ways. Being poly allows that to happen in a whole self way that I had been desperately seeking.

Carolyn: What’s your relationship structure now?

Ginger: I think it’s much more aligned with the “relationship anarchy” concept of not having a hierarchy to relationships. I have lovers and so does he. Having said that, our 20-year relationship is intimidating for others new to the scene. That’s been an interesting piece of the puzzle that can’t be ignored and I don’t want it be denied (lessons learned on that!).

There is a real magic and power to NRE (new relationship energy) which can bring in dynamics in our established relationship if I’m not careful AND I am very aware that there is a power imbalance for the new person to navigate as well.

An example in the past that I have learned from is that I would essentially spend weekends with the other person. That burned me out because I wasn’t spending enough time on my own shit and also left Atlee with the more un-fun work week me. It wasn’t as integrated as I try to practice now.

“I have a relationship to myself first. If that relationship isn’t solid and healthy I’m not good with anyone.”

Carolyn: What other things have you discovered like that?

Ginger: I think the number one thing that I’ve taken away from all the good and not-so-good relationships is that I have a relationship to myself first. If that relationship isn’t solid and healthy I’m not good with anyone. Atlee can absorb more of that since we’ve simply had more experiences together, but others not so much.

Really being honest about what I can give and how much I realistically can spend in a way that is present and curious with another person is another lesson. I like to get deep with people. that takes effort and commitment.

Carolyn: So logistically, how do you balance your relationship with yourself and NRE and your relationship with Atlee?

Ginger: These days it’s all about intention. I’m slower to introduce another partner to Atlee than in the past. I’m quicker to recognize the multiple ways in which that beautiful heart-pounding NRE passion can influence decisions.

Carolyn: How does your relationship/s shift when you get involved with someone new?

Ginger: There’s a practical shift around time spent with someone. I am less quick to spend a weekend with someone because of a hard learned lesson and really honest with the person that this is my situation. I do my best to integrate them into my whole life — even the boring work stuff or that they have to like my cat. In that sense, it’s more poly-oriented towards wanting to know and love/like a person than simply having a physically intimate relationship. Those are nice but I’ve come to the fact that a one dimensional relationship (for me) isn’t healthy.

Carolyn: It’s neat to learn that kind of thing about yourself.

Ginger: It is. I feel much like a phoenix in that regard. Out of the ashes I arose.

Carolyn: Uh oh was there a specific instance or lesson you had to learn to get there?

Ginger: Mostly that if I’m not taking care of myself in any relationship, it just won’t work. to my point about burn out. For a while, I was essentially on a sprint pace of over two years with someone consistently seven days a week. Atlee and over that two-year period with two different people. I wasn’t deep down happy with anyone, not even myself.

I own a lot of that but some partners had more pressure about my time so I was essentially trying to please everyone. Not the best boundaries,

Carolyn: How did you come back from that?

Ginger: I went on a sabbatical from everyone, minus Atlee. I did have one other now on the long-term relationship but it’s not very frequent so essentially I went underground and monogamous to myself on an arbitrary six-month timeline. I went on a date almost to the full six months. I also felt ready in the sense that I felt mostly healed from the last relationship I had been in. I was also getting nervous that I was getting rusty and too staying-at-home in a cabin fever kind of way.

“The most exciting thing is opportunity to love another deeply and in a holistic way. Integrated. I can bring all of me and I want them to bring their full self — the fun stuff and the challenging stuff. To grow with another person and have them influence me and expand beyond their own comfort edges, too.”

Carolyn: Looking at how you do things now: what’s most exciting to you about the way you do poly?

Ginger: The most exciting thing is opportunity to love another deeply and in a holistic way. Integrated. I can bring all of me and I want them to bring their full self — the fun stuff and the challenging stuff. To grow with another person and have them influence me and expand beyond their own comfort edges, too. Maybe it’s the Gemini part of me that seeks curiosity and exploration.

Carolyn: What about it is a challenge?

Ginger: Taking on too much. I want all of the fun and all the opportunities but that’s simply not practical in a way that is sustainable.

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Ginger: I think about poly as place of openness and abundance and choices, too. That bleeds into how I do my work in regards to influencing people to not approach things in a binary mono way.

Identity-wise I think it affords me the perspective of exploring all of me with different people. I’m insatiably curious about other people’s stories and what they know and how they know things.

Poly can feel like the most deviant of all the parts of my identities. Mono culture is deep in ways that I don’t think we often fully understand. I think being queer is more understood but that being poly makes a lot of people uncomfortable. There’s a lot of negative assumptions. and our culture is structured to be so mono partnered. Even the race towards gay marriage affirms that norm. There’s a scarcity element, in the sense of that the dominant narrative and I’d argue how our society and culture is structured is that you are seeking a soul mate, one person can fulfill all your needs. That’s super limiting and, I’d argue, boring. And it means you are in a one-to-one relationship with someone without realizing how you’re in multiple relationships to others all the time, at work, with friends, family, etc. For me, standing in my poly identity allows me to see all my relationships as valuable.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Ginger: My most ideal vision is to have my own apartment, Atlee has his, and I can go to and fro and as I please. I entertain the idea of bringing in other person into our current living situation but I’m not totally sure how that would would work out. At times it seems like it would be much easier and more efficient. The most consistent vision is to have deep and healthy emotion connections that bring physical benefits with probably max three people in my life, Atlee being one.

Poly Pocket: Balancing Comfort and Desire

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own. Or be one.

Jasmine is a 23-year-old bisexual polyamorous nonbinary femme xicanx living in Los Angeles. They are currently in two very loving and growing relationships, and work as a video game designer and producer. You can find her on twitter as @jazzy_femme.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Jasmine: Ever since I started dating when I was a teenager, I leaned towards polyamory but never knew it could be a reality for me. I’ve always been the type of person who gets crushes pretty easily, and as a Sagittarius I never want to feel “stuck” with anything or anyone. I was monogamous with my high-school relationships, but once I was going to move away to another state for college, my then boyfriend and I started talking about opening our relationship and me dating other folx. We broke up before I moved so it never actually happened.

When I started seeing my partner, we had agreed from the beginning that we had no interest in being monogamous and that we were also free to date other people as long as we always communicated. We developed our boundaries and rules along the way and actually continue to do so because people change and grow and so do their needs and wants.

“We developed our boundaries and rules along the way and actually continue to do so because people change and grow and so do their needs and wants.”

Before meeting my girlfriend, I was more interested in casually dating. I would go on dates and meet other people and it usually didn’t work out, either because they were really weirded out by the open relationship or because we just didn’t vibe. Since being with my girlfriend, my needs have changed and I’m not really interested in casually dating. I really want to invest my time into my new and growing relationship, my established and still growing partnership, and my career, along with my own personal well-being and self-care.

Carolyn: That sounds like a really thoughtful relationship approach! You mention developing rules and boundaries with your partner; how did that come about, and what were the results?

Jasmine: It’s always been a “cross that bridge when we get to it” sort of thing. There’s a general rule of if we’re unsure, let’s talk about it to make sure. So it ends up being a really in-depth conversation with a lot of processing together about why we need this boundary or rule and if it works for the way we each individually want to live our lives. We definitely started with baby steps, trying to think about absolute boundaries we want with the idea that they could change later down the line.

Some things that have come up include hooking up and “heat of the moment” sort of things. If I’m going to hook up with someone or my partner is, how do we go about telling each other and communicating that happened/is happening? Do I ask permission beforehand? Is that always a realistic option? From that, we decided that if we were to hook up, just let each other know when we have a moment because we know letting each other know beforehand really isn’t always realistic. Same goes with dating. Letting each other know as early as possible that we’re dating someone new is always preferred as a general rule.

We’ve also talked about boundaries in how we want to fit other partners/loves into our future and what that could look like. Like I said before, my partner and I are very much in it for the long haul. They also have another partner currently living in another state and they’re also in it for long haul as things are right now, so we’ve definitely talked about the idea of living together, who would stay where, and how we would be sharing time/resources with each other.

Carolyn: In those discussions, what do you try to prioritize? And what communication strategies are in play?

Jasmine: We generally prioritize that everyone is comfortable over everyone getting what they want. It’s always a give and take, especially when there are more than two people involved.

When communicating, we definitely have a conversation together as those who would be effected by whatever decision. When we first started talking about a future living situation, it started out as multiple conversations happening at different times with different information, which led to a lot of miscommunication. We all learned from that and not ever wanting anyone to be hurt or left out of important decisions or feelings, we always try to keep everyone in the loop as a group.

“We generally prioritize that everyone is comfortable over everyone getting what they want. It’s always a give and take, especially when there are more than two people involved.”

Carolyn: Above, you mentioned boundaries and discussions with your partner; what kinds of boundaries and discussions have you had with your girlfriend?

Jasmine: While it’s a pretty new relationship, we’ve actually had a lot of discussions, especially because my girlfriend never thought she would be in a poly relationship. With my partner, we’ve been on the same page about a lot of things (hanging out with each other’s partners/people we’re dating, showing affection in front of each other, etc.), but I’ve had to have more in depth conversations with my girlfriend because she’s so new to it all.

Carolyn: What excites you about your current way of doing relationships?

Jasmine: I get so many kisses from so many cuties! When it does work out and there are no conversations to have for the time being, I get support and love and time with two really incredible human beings. I’m working through a lot of intergenerational trauma and healing from things like depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder, so it’s always comforting to know that I have a team of support and love that I can rely on. I also get to love them and shower them with kisses, affection, and support, and it’s really fulfilling for me as someone who has a ton of love to give to others.

Carolyn: What about it is a struggle?

Jasmine: Making sure that everyone is comfortable. I’m a little ball of anxiety, so sometimes I have to be reassured that everyone actually wants to be doing this and that everyone is getting their needs met. If I don’t, then I start second guessing myself and my ability to have multiple relationships.

Carolyn: What do you do to make sure your own needs are met?

Jasmine: To be honest, I’ve struggled with that in the past and I’m getting a lot better at it. I definitely take some alone time where I’m not with anyone and I focus on my own hobbies and self care-ish things. My partner and my girlfriend are also really good about reminding me to do self care like taking baths or going for walks alone. They remind me that I can’t be giving to others when I’m not giving to myself. They’re both always my biggest cheerleaders when I tell them I went to yoga in the morning or when I go take my beach walks.

Carolyn: How have your partners (however serious or casual) gotten along?

Jasmine: It’s been interesting! The last person I dated before my girlfriend was a cishet man and he was always a little awkward hanging around my super queer friends or my partner. My girlfriend and my partner have thankfully been getting along and they’re learning more about each other and developing their own friendship outside of me, which is always my ideal. I’ve also been lucky in that I get along with my partner’s partner and she’s one of my best friends.

“I used to be really jealous, but then I learned that it came from my own insecurities.”

I only have the one metamour but our relationship has evolved a lot. It was a rocky start because my partner had some history with her prior to my entry, but it all ended up working out when we started hanging out in group settings, especially finding out we had a lot of things in common. My metamour and I will text, send each other cute animal vidoes, and skype from time to time. I think I said this before, but she’s currently living in a different state so we don’t get to hang out. If she were in the same state, there would be no doubt we would also hang out and see each other pretty regularly as close friends.

Carolyn: Do you experience jealousy? If so, how do you handle it? If no, how do you prevent it?

Jasmine: I used to be really jealous, but then I learned that it came from my own insecurities of someone leaving me for someone else because the other person was “better.” With therapy, I’ve gotten WAY less jealous but there are times that jealously does come up. I’ve been able to do a lot of introspection about where that comes from and why and address it that was rather than expressing it in a way that is unnecessarily harmful.

I try to be honest and have conversation about what the jealously is directed towards once I figure that out. Like, if I feel jealous about my partner’s relationship, I’ll try to be as honest as I can with my partner and let them know I’m feeling jealous/insecure so they can give me a little more reassurance.

I say “try” because sometimes it’s really hard to admit when you’re jealous and insecure of someone else so it’s sometimes harder than other times to be open and honest about what you’re feeling.

Carolyn: That’s accurate. How do your relationships shift when you date/meet/sleep with someone new?

Jasmine: When I start seeing someone new, I’ll usually become a little more focused on the new person because you know, they’re exciting and new. It does mellow out and balance is restored once a little more time passes. My partner is thankfully always very understanding and patient and roots for me in my new romantic endeavors.

Carolyn: How out are you about being poly to friends and family?

Jasmine: I’m out to almost everyone except my family. I’m not ashamed of being poly so I try to be as open as I can, but my family is always a different story. They’re still working through the whole me being bisexual thing, so it might be a while ’till I drop something else for them to process through.

“I get different things, emotionality and physically, from different folx, and being poly has allowed me to explore that.”

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Jasmine: It tends to intersect with my queerness and how I deal/date different gendered folx. Perfect example, I have dated so many cishet men that I have honestly become so emotionally detached so I could never see myself long-term dating another cishet man in my life. I’ve realized I get different things, emotionality and physically, from different folx, and being poly has allowed me to explore that.

Carolyn: What do you want for your future? Is there anything you’re working towards or hoping for?

Jasmine: My ideal future would be a true chosen family. Like most queer kids, I had/continue to have a less than ideal relationship with my family. Wanting to carry and have kids of my own one day, I want them to grow up being surrounded by different loving people and different relationships that are all rooted in love and support. With all of the co-parents and uncles and aunts!

Poly Pocket: Wholeness Doesn’t Mean One Thing

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own. Or be one.

Cecelia is a 23-year-old mixed race Asian genderqueer polyamorous bisexual femme living in Brooklyn. They are single, and work as a freelance writer and professional astrologer.

This interview has been lightly edited.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Cecelia: I got really lucky that basically when I decided to explore polyamory, I ended up dating someone who had been polyamorous for a while. This was in 2015 when I was studying abroad in London, which was great, because I had never been in a situation before where I looked at everyone around me like, “Woah, I’m into what so many of you are doing, wow, you’re all so date-able.” So it was a combination of sort of falling in love with everyone I met and actually having someone to guide me through polyamory from their own experience working through it.

Carolyn: What does polyamory look like in your life right now?

Cecelia: I just moved to Brooklyn like a week ago, so I’m very very single at the moment. I’m in a place again where I see myself wanting to form relationships with the people around me based on like-mindedness. But I’m the kind of poly team player who prefers to be the side chick of many, and the main chick of none. I don’t really want the pressure of being a primary partner of someone right now, but I love being a long-term non-primary partner of someone who has a primary relationship.

Carolyn: Is there a story to how you figured that out?

Cecelia: Yeah, for sure. It happened during that first experience I had with polyamory in London. On the third date, the guy I was seeing sat me down and was like, “Hey, just so you know, I’m poly and I have a long-term primary partner, and you can ask whatever you want or take however long you need to decide if this is something you want to continue, knowing that I have a primary relationship.” And surprisingly, I was super excited when he told me that. Because if I’m being totally honest, my bisexuality is such that I’m really choosy when I date hetero men, and when I do date them, I prefer for it to be fairly fun and casual for a while. Not to say that being a secondary partner implies a “casual” relationship in any way. But in this specific situation it was at the point when guys are usually like, “I’ve never met anyone like you please marry me,” and I have to sadly and gently let them go to free myself as someone that they consider a possession. So when this guy sat me down and was like, “Hey, so our situation will basically be one date a week, and maybe getting coffee or lunch here and there throughout the week, but my primary focus is on the person I actually live with,” I was so excited. I was like, “A regularly scheduled fun and chill relationship? hell yeah, sign me up.”

“I try my best not to be preachy about polyamory or make anyone feel like they’re ‘less queer’ or ‘less radical’ or less anything if they choose monogamy. But for me personally, polyamory is the only style of dating I could ever participate in.”

Carolyn: When you meet people, how do you position conversations about poly or what kind of relationships you’re interested in?

Cecelia: I always try to sneak into the first date that I’m poly. I know some people switch from being poly to being monogamous depending on the preference of the person they’re dating, but I’m not like that. For example, the guy I dated in London is going to visit New York soon but his primary partner is someone new now, so I had to re-establish what his relationship to polyamory is now. Basically I asked if we could have sex when he visits, and he said no, because that’s the agreement he’s made in the relationship with his current partner. And I have to respect that.

I really do respect monogamy when other people choose it for themselves. I try my best not to be preachy about polyamory or make anyone feel like they’re “less queer” or “less radical” or less anything if they choose monogamy. But for me personally, polyamory is the only style of dating I could ever participate in, so I bring it up as early as possible. I want to be really transparent that I’m not willing to change my decision to be polyamorous for anyone, because I know I would be fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship.

Carolyn: How would you characterize your attitude toward relationships generally?

Cecelia: It’s taken so much introspection and self-awareness to figure this out, and I’m really excited to live in a time where we can really ask this question and invent whatever brave new rules for being in relationships that make us feel whole and valuable.

First of all, the main reason why I can never be monogamous is because I don’t feel good in any situation where I’m considered someone’s possession. I’m really private and independent and need to have freedom first and foremost. Often in monogamous relationships I end up feeling like someone’s “thing,” even if that’s not what they intend. And that feeling makes my skin crawl so much that I’ll go into human disaster mode and end the relationship in a really messy way that wrecks everyone. So that’s one thing I’ve learned about myself.

But another thing entirely that matters to me is that I resist the idea that “wholeness” means “one thing.” I think we’re taught that being whole means being one easily recognizable thing, and that’s a notion I resist in both my work with astrology and in my relationships. I believe that each person contains a bunch of conflicting, intersecting parts, and that different people can make someone feel really vibrant in many beautiful different ways. So if I really like someone, it makes me excited when they have multiple partners who can light up different parts of their mind/body/soul etc. I actually don’t really get jealous, so that helps. I feel confident that I can bring a really specific and positive energy to a relationship, but I also know that I can never provide one person with everything that they need in a relationship. For example, I’m insecure about how funny I am sometimes. So it makes me happy if my partner has someone who makes them laugh for days, because they deserve to have that energy too. And it relieves the pressure on me to be super funny or whatever. Because I know that if they need a good deep and healing convo, they’ll come to me.

“I believe that each person contains a bunch of conflicting, intersecting parts, and that different people can make someone feel really vibrant in many beautiful different ways.”

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Cecelia: I like polyamory because it really fulfills all of the conflicting, at-odds parts of myself that I’ve always been told that I had to somehow reconcile. I’m mixed-race so I’ve always felt like “not quite this thing, but not quite this other thing.” And then being bisexual is like “you don’t belong here, but also not really here.” So polyamory is a way I can say Fuck You to all of that.

I’m actively not ashamed of how different relationships allow me to perform gender differently, or give me a way to build love and acceptance with someone based on our similar life experience with race or any other mutual point of interest, really. When I realized that other people had always partially defined what categories I did or didn’t have access to, I decided to actively resist that. So yeah, I’ll go on a date with a hetero guy and dress up to look cis-passing because it’s fun and simple and easy, and then I’ll go on a date with a radical queer person and dress in a way that feels more authentic to me, and take the relationship more seriously. And that’s just how my bisexuality personally works. I know a lot of bisexual people whose primary partners are men in a very serious way. And that’s great! But I know myself, and what I want, and I don’t hide what I need from anyone I have a relationship with. Once I had a queer femme partner of color and I went on a date with a hetero guy (who didn’t have atrocious politics, I won’t date anyone whose politics suck). My femme partner was like: “Why? Don’t you know that he fundamentally sucks?” And I was like, “Listen, some people watch television for easy entertainment. I go on dates with hetero guys.” But even with those guys, I’m really clear. I’ll say something like, “This has to be fun and simple or I’m out.” And other people think it makes me fake as hell, but I’m always really clear about what part of myself I hope to bring to a relationship. I’m very clear early on that the other person knows what they’re signing up for, and that they feel like we can build something that’s mutually beneficial based on what we both value in a relationship. And I wholeheartedly say Fuck You to other people who want to define for me what kind of relationships I’m allowed to feel good in. And to other people who want to dismiss me for being “greedy.”

Carolyn: Tell me more about that!

Cecelia: A common accusation put on bisexual folks (that makes me yawn) is that we’re “greedy.” There’s an obviously negative moral connotation to that word, so bisexual people are taught to feel bad for experiencing attraction to cis folks and trans folks and genderqueer folks and everyone in between. And if you see me living as a vibrantly bisexual, polyamorous person and you want to call me greedy, I can’t let it affect me. Because in a way, we actually totally agree on the definition of the thing that I’m doing, which is dating different people. Because yes, I do enjoy feeling differently in relationships with different people. But what we disagree on, and what I actively reject, is the idea that what I’m doing is somehow inherently unethical or bad. Which is why I’m clear, transparent, and communicative from the very beginning with people I want to build a relationship with.

“Instead of arguing over what’s wrong or right or morally sound or factual, it’s far more interesting and urgent to me right now to ask: How are we doing everything that we possibly can to find a sense of wholeness in this world? And how can we help each other find that through relationships?”

For example, when I meet a queer femme, sometimes my heart gets stolen pretty quick. So early on I’ll say, “I want to do a metric fuck-ton of emotional labor with you and commit to both of us healing and feeling witnessed and growing in this relationship. And I want you to know that the intensity I feel with you is one of my favorite things about being alive on this earth, but also sometimes I need to feel the absolute opposite of that intensity by going on a tinder date with a random hetero guy. And I promise that those dates will make me come back to our relationship feeling grateful and refreshed.” And if the queer femmes who steal my heart aren’t into that or don’t get it, which happens sometimes, that’s okay. Because if you don’t agree with what I can offer you in a relationship or you need more than I can offer you (or if you straight up think that what I’m doing is immoral), then that’s fine and you’re not wrong and I’m not wrong, we just have different needs and opinions. And it’s very simple really because if we have different needs, then we don’t have to date. That sucks, but it’s easier to know that earlier rather than later. But actually I’ve found that a lot of bisexual queer femmes secretly feel similarly to me when I bring it up, so we’ll plan hetero tinder dates for the same night and then compare notes afterwards to see if we’ll go on a second date with that person or whatever. That’s always really fun in a sort of secret way. You could look at us and call us evil for ghosting dudes or whatever. But in the grand ethical scale, that’s a small moral debt that hetero cis dudes have to pay for benefiting from the patriarchy.

So yeah, from any angle, it’s really easy to look at bisexuality or polyamory in its various forms and call it greedy or unethical. But the only form of validation that matters to me is the one that comes from the person (or people) I’m in a relationship with. And if I’ve done something wrong or bad I’ll know because they’ll tell me, or I’ll sense that I’ve hurt them and ask them about their feelings. Then I’ll listen and try to understand how my intentions didn’t align with what they experienced as my actions. And I’ll try to be better. So if you want to say that what I’m doing is wrong or bad, that’s cool, because you don’t have to date me. You can date someone else who agrees that what I’m doing is wrong or bad. And that’s the whole point of re-defining relationship structures!

I think so many of us are deciding to stop caring about “morality” as we’ve been told that we either fit into it or deviate from it. Because you know what morality as it’s been historically defined for centuries got us? This shitshow of a world that we live in, with this bozo nightmare of a president. And so instead of arguing over what’s wrong or right or morally sound or factual, it’s far more interesting and urgent to me right now to ask: How are we doing everything that we possibly can to find a sense of wholeness in this world? And how can we help each other find that through relationships?

Carolyn: How do you seek or build poly community?

Cecelia: I definitely try and have conversations with my friends who are poly about what exactly they’re doing so we can compare notes. Because I don’t think anyone is 100% sure that they’re “doing poly right,” and if they are, they’re lying. So talking to friends and non-partners about what polyamory looks like is just as important as defining what polyamory looks like with your partners. We have to build a collective language around this stuff! And I’m really excited to meet more people who are poly in New York, because it’s nice when you already have a working understanding with someone of how you both relate to romance or sex or long-term relationships generally.

“I want everyone to be able to take on their own definition of what it means to be in a relationship, without feeling the guilt that comes from articulating needs that are often inaccurately labeled as selfish or inauthentic.”

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Cecelia: I want a future where, regardless of if people are poly or not, everyone is really seriously taking on the project of figuring out how to get what they need in relationships while also genuinely being present for the needs of others. I want to live in a world where everyone comes to the realization that we can just put everything we’ve learned about relationships on the table and edit that notion or create our own definitions until we arrive at something that makes us feel truly valuable. I want everyone to be able to take on their own definition of what it means to be in a relationship, without feeling the guilt that comes from articulating needs that are often inaccurately labeled as selfish or inauthentic. If I don’t want to be someone’s possession, that can make me independent, not selfish. If I recognize that different parts of my identity need different kinds of people to feel seen, that can make me responsible for my own definition of wholeness, not inauthentic. I want to live in a world where I can explain this concept and people can understand it. And I think arriving at these different definitions will make everyone more introspective and self-aware and ultimately, more invested in the project of taking care of ourselves and each other better.

Poly Pocket: Polyamory and Recovery

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Aden Carver is a 28-year-old white genderfluid bisexual polyamorous person living in Telluride, CO. She is solo and dating, in recovery from an eating disorder/anxiety/depression, volunteering as a ski instructor for an inclusive adaptive program, making money as a server and making joy as a songwriter and performer.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Aden: Looking back at my childhood and adolescence, my polyamorous tendencies are very evident. But the extremely conservative religious environment I was raised in suppressed this and my queerness deeply. I experienced many intense female friendships that were very relationship-like, which I think is a common queer experience, and I was certainly crushing on multiple people at the same time. In college I dated a man I had been in love with for years. We were very close, we wrote music and performed together. When we finally entered a relationship, I sabotaged it and cheated with a queer person. At the time, I thought it was because I must be a lesbian, but in reality it was that the only choice of a future with him was marriage and children. I didn’t have the language to understand how I could both deeply love him, and also not want that future. I first came across the language of polyamory at some anarchist gatherings and festivals when I was 21. After a few discussions and failed attempts in different relationships, at 26 I found myself single and decided to pursue polyamory on my own. At the same time I was finally accepting my bisexuality after being out as a lesbian for several years. From that point forward, monogamy was a deal breaker for me. I told everyone I hooked up with or dated up front what I was looking for. If they weren’t down with it, we didn’t date. I’ve been firmly practicing this now for two years, and my current partner is the first one who stuck.

Carolyn: So what’s your relationship like right now?

Aden: Currently, I have one consistent partner, a bisexual cis man who I have been seeing for about a year. It’s the first polyamorous relationship either of us have been in, so we are definitely learning and making it up as we go along. He is very out and proud of his sexuality, as am I, and I think the fact that we are both queer makes us much more compatible. We are also very out and open about our polyamorous status in our community, which is important to me. I’ve had many casual encounters outside of that, but none have blossomed into more intimate relationships. I’m definitely trying to date and find additional partners, but it’s proven difficult to find like-minded folks in this tiny mountain town. I consider myself to be more solo polyamorous, I don’t wish to live with a partner or be involved financially. My autonomy and freedom are important to me, and my mental health has improved greatly since I’ve focused on maintaining those areas.

“Polyamory really helps me to focus on myself, what I really need and want. And also forces me to communicate that, since there are no givens.”

Carolyn: On the topic of mental health, above you mentioned recovering from an eating disorder/anxiety/depression – can you tell me more about how that relates to how you do poly?

Aden: When I’ve been in monogamous relationships in the past, it’s been very easy for me to be swallowed whole by them. To lose myself completely in trying to make that person happy and ignore whatever is going on in my own body and mind. Also relying on one person to meet my emotional and physical needs was very ineffective, causing me to feel I was too much and too demanding.

Polyamory really helps me to focus on myself, what I really need and want. And also forces me to communicate that, since there are no givens. It also has helped me seek emotional support across a wide variety of relationships, some romantic and some not, and to put more value in my friendships. The focus of communication and boundaries really helps with my anxiety as well, and I like that I get to decide with each partner what our communication and boundaries look like.

Carolyn: When did you start to discover that focus? Was there a specific moment that made you think oh, this is the way I need to run my life?

Aden: It was a slow realization. There was a time when I first was exploring polyamory that I was really struggling, I was talking to a person long distance and it wasn’t a healthy or secure relationship. All of my monogamous friends said, “Obviously you can’t do this, it’s making you miserable.” But I was determined, I knew I wanted to be polyamorous. After moving to CO and beginning my relationship with this partner, I began to really see how this practice is better for me. I wasn’t as obsessed with making him like me, I allowed things to move more organically. It required less mental energy, and I was able to focus more energy on myself. I wasn’t trying to be functional for him, I was doing it for myself. I also wasn’t as attached to the outcome, I had no idea that a year later we would be saying “I love you” and discussing all of our crushes together. That all happened and grew of its own accord, without me being hyper focused on it. And because I was able to focus more on myself, I feel the most recovered I have been since I began treatment in 2013.

And – something I think about a lot is cheating. I fit the bisexual stereotype of “cheater.” I cheated in most of my monogamous relationships. At the time, I was shamed by my partners and ashamed of myself. I didn’t understand that I was communicating with myself. My actions were telling me that the relationships I was in were not right for me, and when the walls were closing in, I didn’t have the language to understand why, so I acted instead to sabotage them. Polyamory has freed me from that.

“[Polyamory] makes me even more grateful for each brief, passionate experience with people without wishing it was more than it could be.”

Carolyn: What do you find most exciting about your current approach to relationships?

Aden: I love the freedom and spontaneity! I love that I am free to connect with anyone I meet. It makes me even more grateful for each brief, passionate experience with people without wishing it was more than it could be. And I love being able to discuss my crushes and experiences with my partner. That was a level of openness I wasn’t sure I could achieve. The first time he hooked up with someone else and told me about it, I was afraid of how I would feel. I didn’t want it to undo my desire to be polyamorous. When he told me, I had what I can only describe as a huge rush of adrenaline. A ton of energy, but it was neither positive nor negative. It was like “Ok, this happened and I’m still here, he’s still here, the sky hasn’t fallen like everyone said it would.” It was amazing and empowering. It was so affirming of what I already believed, but had yet to experience: that you do not have to have possession of someone else’s body and sexuality in order to have profound intimacy and trust.

Carolyn: What do you find is a struggle?

Aden: Right now outside of my partner I only have some potential connections brewing. I imagine once I have other partners at a similar level of intimacy as I do to him there will be new struggles. At the moment, my main struggles have been just trying to have healthy communication and interaction in our relationship, not even poly stuff, just the stuff between the two of us as humans. I had a really hard time opening up to him and trusting him at first, he has been very patient. I had this false belief: “Well no one wanted to stay with me when I was monogamous, so why would anyone stick around for this?” He was hesitant at first, it was a totally new concept for him. But he has continually surprised me and my trust in our partnership has grown and deepened. So I just want to continue to nurture that as I date and meet new people.

I also struggle living in a place that has very little queer community. I really long for friendships and dating relationships with other queer women and persons. That has been very difficult to find. My tinder is very sad, but I keep it on, just in case!

Carolyn: How do things shift when you do date or meet new people?

Aden: Well so far, all of my crushes outside of this partnership have gone nowhere. So right now, if I have a date or a crush I talk to my partner about it and he’s supportive. He isn’t actively seeking other partners like I am; his connections with others have been pretty spontaneous and casual. He usually tells me about them after the fact. We don’t really keep a regular schedule of seeing each other, so these outside connections have, so far, had little impact. We will see what the future holds. There is one person who we have both connected with separately, who has expressed a desire to interact with us together. I’m not sure what impact that will have, but I am excited to explore it!

“I’ve learned to balance my directness with patience, by allowing things to grow organically but also disclose my intentions and needs when the time is right.”

Carolyn: What have you learned about communicating with your partner (and potential partners in any sense)?

Aden: I have to continually remind myself that not everyone’s communication style matches my own. I am a very direct and immediate processor. My anxious brain runs away on the crazy thought train if I am not able to discuss things right away. My partner takes a little more time to process things. We are both very stubborn and care maybe too much about fairness and “rightness” in a conflict, rather than the other person’s feelings. Our Aquarius and Leo egos butt heads sometimes. So I’ve learned that we are often unable to resolve an argument right away, the next day is better. Thanks to my eating disorder, I’ve had more than my fair share of therapy, so I understand the use of “I” vs. “You” statements more than others sometimes. I try to stick to that script when explaining how I feel. With crushes and potential partners, I’ve learned to balance my directness with patience, by allowing things to grow organically but also disclose my intentions and needs when the time is right.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Aden: In the future I want to be as free and self-sufficient as possible. I want to travel extensively and live in a variety of places. I don’t want children or a partnership that tries to keep me in one place. I am seeking partners that can have that kind of transience and flexibility. Despite the lack of queerness, the place I live is growing on me (astounding natural beauty is hard to pass up) and is an ideal home base for extensive traveling because of the seasonal nature of the tourism. So for the next few years I can see myself traveling and home basing from here, developing myself further as a performer and artist, dedicating more of myself to activism, deepening my relationship with my partner and hopefully adding a couple new ones to the mix. Polyamory has given me so much confidence and really grounded me in myself. I feel more capable than ever and excited for my future.

Poly Pocket: The Communication Cushion

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Mona is a 28-year-old Arab-American, queer, demisexual, ethically non-monogamous, cis woman living in the urban Midwest. She is in a primary partnership and is a social science PhD student. “Mona” is a pseudonym.

This interview has been lightly edited.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Mona: I moved to the East Coast from the Midwest four years ago. Shortly after my move, I began trying things, namely kink and polyamory, that I had wanted to try for some time but didn’t feel were possible before. I started meeting people off of OKCupid, who then introduced me to their friends and a broader community of folks who practice ethical non-monogamy. Everything snowballed from there.

Carolyn: What does your relationships relationship look like right now?

Mona: My current relationship and my approach to building new relationships are shaped by agreements I’ve made with my primary partner over the course of our three-year relationship. While we started our relationship with no rules, no expectations, and no hierarchy, we agreed a year ago to transition into a primary partnership, something more hierarchical, before we moved in together. We both date other people, but at the end of the day, we come home to one another.

“Building my relationships from scratch is the most exciting part of all of this. There are no predetermined expectations, only principles: respect and transparency.”

Carolyn: Why did you decide to make that transition?

Mona: I decided to ask for that transition based on some really intense feelings — fear, jealousy, anger. I want kids, I want something very long-term, and, if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want that with a group of people. I want that with one other person. On top of that, I didn’t want to be my metamours’ equal. I wanted to be #1. So I was having all of these intense and negative feelings based on long-term relationship goals and our relationship agreements at that moment. So I went to my partner and said, “Hey, these are the things I want and am feeling. Can we be primaries now?” And he was like, “Yeah, cool. I feel like that’s what we’re doing in practice anyway.”

Carolyn: What about that has been a struggle? What about it has been most exciting?

Mona: It’s been difficult since day one to determine when my feelings are my problem or someone else’s. Like is this coming from a place of insecurity or past trauma totally unrelated to this relationship? Or did my partner actually wrong me in some way? The answer to those questions determines how I approach communicating my feelings and needs to my partner. It gets easier with practice, but it’s still not easy.

Building my relationships from scratch is the most exciting part of all of this. There are no predetermined expectations, only principles: respect and transparency. All expectations must be articulated and agreed upon. I love that. I feel truly free in my relationships.

Carolyn: How does your primary relationship shift when you date or sleep with someone new?

Mona: So far, it hasn’t shifted. It just stays the same. But it wasn’t always that way. Like I said, I used to have all sorts of strong, bad feelings. But over time, we have figured out how to communicate with one another about new partners. We both have different wants and needs on that front. I want to know who that person is, when they were last tested, what their intentions are, what my partner’s intentions are, and if and when those intentions change. My partner is fine knowing much less. The ways of communicating that we’ve developed over time have cushioned our primary relationship, so far, from the impact of new connections.

Carolyn: On your form you wrote you’d just moved to your city, and were planning to date to make friends there. How’s that going?

Mona: Hah! It’s going. I’ve been on two dates. They were both nice. I’ve maintained a connection with one of the people. Actually, she taught me how to knit last week and I knit my partner a scarf! So building meaningful relationships here is happening, but slowly.

“I want to maintain healthy romantic and sexual relationships through everything life has to throw at me. I think that so long as I have my people by my side, I can get through.”

Carolyn: Do you usually incorporate building relationships through poly and dating into the way you make friends, or is that new to this city?

Mona: It’s what I did by accident when I moved to the East Coast. In fact, most of my friends there I met through online dating sites, though not directly. It was this huge network of people who met that way. I met some of my closest friends through friends who were really good at online dating, so I figured I’d try it here.

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Mona: I think if you asked me that a year ago or two years ago, I would have said it’s central to my understanding of myself in the same ways that my class background, race, ethnicity, gender, and sexuality are. But now I’m not so sure. Those other elements of my identity and social position have a much greater bearing on my everyday life. That’s in part the product of my disengagement with a predominately white, wealthy, hetero poly scene. It’s also because I haven’t had the time or desire to date; I just want to spend my time with people I already know and love.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Mona: Very broadly, I want to be happy and healthy. I intend to do everything in my power to see that through. More specific to this interview, I want to maintain healthy romantic and sexual relationships through everything life has to throw at me. I think that so long as I have my people by my side, I can get through this PhD program, a job search, having and raising children, any illness I’m affected by, etc. I will continue to build and maintain the close relationships I need by practicing relationships that are guided by principles of respect and transparency, where every expectation is articulated and agreed upon by all parties.

Poly Pocket: Queer, Poly, Living On A Boat

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own. To apply to share your story in Poly Pocket, fill out this form.

Tristan Feldman is a 26-year-old white genderqueer queer non-monogamous person living wherever they happen to be at the moment. They are single and work as a tall ship sailor and educator.

This interview has been lightly edited.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Tristan: My first relationship was in college and I ended up being the secondary partner of a friend. It was actually an awful relationship and not at all healthy or a good example of polyamory. He was emotionally abusive to both me and his primary partner. He and his primary partner were also not in a stable relationship so adding a secondary just made their relationship worse. There were a lot of rules imposed on our relationship and I didn’t have much of a say in what the rules were. I also had no experience so I didn’t know what to ask for/what to look for/how to express what I needed and wanted in a relationship.

Carolyn: With that first experience, how did you come to recognize non-monogamy was for you?

Tristan: While in that relationship I did a lot of research and reading on non-monogamy and I realized that the model that I was in was not the only option. The ideas that love shouldn’t be restricted or seen as a limited resource and that monogamy shouldn’t be an assumed part of a relationship and that communication and honesty are huge parts of a successful relationship really resonated with me.

I also, for the rest of college after that first relationship ended, used non-monogamy almost as a defense mechanism to stop myself from entering into another relationship without really realizing what I was doing. If there was the potential that I was starting to develop any kind of relationship with someone I would throw out early on that I was poly and wasn’t looking for anything monogamous, but not in an open or communicative way but in a way that shut down whatever was happening. So I was processing and learning some great messages from non-monogamy and while I thought I was being open and communicative I was probably not.

Carolyn: What is your relationship situation like now?

Tristan: I’m single and have been for years. But I have a number of very important and intimate friendships as well as the bonds I form with my shipmates both on and off the boats we are on.

One of my friends gave me the word “solo poly.” I sometimes use it to describe myself. I know that a lot of people define it differently but for me it has meant that I don’t have any partners and that my priorities have been my relationships with my friends and myself.

Carolyn: Okay tell me about living on boats! What is that like? How do you build and maintain relationships on and off them?

Tristan: It’s basically a super intense and close intentional community and how it works/appears is really different boat to boat and crew to crew. All the boats I work on provide housing, either on the boat or in a crew house, so you are living and working and socializing with the same people all the time. Sometimes I’m doing day programs and have evenings/weekends free, but other times I’m doing long ocean passages where not only are we all physically limited to the same space, but we also have students with us 24/7 which changes the dynamic.

Out of necessity, you become very close with the people you are with, especially in really odd ways that don’t tend to happen on shore. Someone might not know much about your past or your family or your friends but they know exactly how to tell if you are actually awake or responding to a wakeup when still asleep, what you sound like when you puke, and how frequently you use the bathroom. Plus being away and moving around a lot means that everyone onboard is in some kind of long distance relationship, be it partnership, friendship, family, etc, which I think tends to bring people closer and create closer relationships onboard because you are cut off from your typical support systems.

When I’m in port I can usually send letters and often times find wifi. On the boat we have a satellite email service, but that’s primarily used for business with our home office. So usually I’ll write a bunch of letters but not be able to send them out for a while.

As far as relationships off the boat I write my friends a lot of letters and try and go visit them when I have off time. Fortunately most of my close friends live on the East Coast so I am usually able to do a “friend tour” and crash on a bunch of people’s couches when I’m off.

Carolyn: How do you get your needs met?

Tristan: I think about that one a lot. One of the things I miss most on the boat is a strong queer community. Some people I’ve sailed with have been queer, but many haven’t. So when I’m off I try to spend as much time as possible with my friends and some of those relationships are intimate. But then again when I’m on land I miss the boat and the people I sail with and the different kinds of relationships we form there.

Plus different dating/hookup apps work all around the world and while my success varies sometime the “sailor in port after being at sea for a while” thing works out.

Carolyn: What about all this is a struggle? What about it is most exciting?

Tristan: I think the biggest struggle, both for me and for my relationships and relationship goals is not having a home base. I’m trying to work on that this winter. Ideally I want to have a place that I come back to and people there that I can build longer term relationships with.

The most exciting is being able to see the world and meet new people. Boats have also been incredibly healing for me and have really helped me create better relationships in all parts of my life. They make me work harder to maintain my friendships, be better at communication, and generally just better at existing around all different kinds of people.

The other struggle is while I’m not closeted, I’m not specifically out at work, especially about being genderqueer and to some extent about being poly. Its more like I’m bad at broaching the subject and if it doesn’t come up I often times won’t bring it up. In some ways it feels a bit disingenuous to myself but in others its a way I manage being so close with everyone else.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Tristan: I want a home base, a place to come home to. And ideally at least one partner who I build my life around and who considers me when building their life. And a good balance between that home and still sailing and adventuring.

I’ve actually ended up talking with some of my shipmates about non-monogamy and I think that a lot of the basic ideas resonate with them even if they are in monogamous relationships (the ideas of communication and that each relationship is distinct and that partners need to talk to each other and decide what they want out of a relationship). I usually end up bringing up a quote from Dean Spade from For Lovers and For Fighters. (“One of my goals in thinking about redefining the way we view relationships is to try to treat the people I date more like I treat my friends, try to be respectful and thoughtful and have boundaries and reasonable expectations, and try to treat my friends more like my dates, to give them special attention, honor my commitments to them, be consistent, and invest deeply in our futures together.”) which is kinda how I try and create healthy positive relationships and it is usually very well-received. No matter what kind of relationship(s) I end up in, I think that the basic principles of non-monogamy that I have internalized/accepted for myself will be helpful in creating healthy and positive relationships.

Poly Pocket: Queer Platonic Love

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Eva is a 28-year-old Chicana pansexual cis woman living in the Midwest. She is in a long term queer platonic relationship and works in the sex industry and as a research assistant. “Eva” is her work name.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: How did you start to explore polyamory?

Eva: I had read about it and thought it was an interesting idea but kind of just put the book down after that for a few years. It wasn’t until I started working as an escort that I thought about it seriously. At the time, I was in a monogamous relationship with my girlfriend and we wanted to talk about what my job meant for our relationship. We had to be very honest in what our expectations were. For most of that relationship, I would have sex with men for money, that’s it, and she remained monogamous. Later we started opening our relationship so that we could have sex with other people (non-job related).

After my ex and I broke up, I was single for a long time. My best friend and I had started getting closer and at this point we have a very strong intimacy and connection that we both describe as being in love. But we are not interested in each other sexually. Recently, I came across the term “queer platonic” and it describes us perfectly. We are planning on getting engaged soon and want to buy a house together and foster children together one day. We take vacations together and make important decisions together. We basically function as a couple, just without the sex. We see other people for that purpose.

We’re planning our lives together but we casually date others. We have talked about what it would look like if either one of us wanted a more serious partner and for us that would look like adding someone to our existing relationship.

Carolyn: What about that is a struggle for you? What about it is most exciting?

Eva: The main struggle is explaining it to our families and some of our friends. For some reason, it’s hard to explain that “in love” doesn’t have to have a sexual component to it.

The most exciting thing is not feeling pressure to act a certain way or be afraid to talk about things that I feel can be more difficult in a traditional relationship. I’m essentially marrying my best friend. We can talk about our attraction to others and it doesn’t have an effect on our relationship because our relationship is based on friendship and not romance (although there is some romance involved).

Carolyn: That sounds so lovely?

Eva: Haha, yes it is! And that works out well because I date a lot and also still work as an escort. She is also dating someone else.

“We made an agreement early on to not hold back on how we feel and have successfully kept to it.”

Carolyn: How do you discuss change or conflict? (You mentioned above talking about what it would look like if either of you had another partner – how do conversations like that come about, and how do they go, and what do you do to make them work?)

Eva: Since we started as best friends, we still carry that “talk about anything” attitude. We made an agreement early on to not hold back on how we feel and have successfully kept to it. If I am unsure about something then I say it and we usually are able to calmly talk through it. Sometimes we bicker, haha. But we have the same basic idea of what we want for the future. As soon as I change my mind I tell her and same with her. A lot of this communication is easy for us due in large part due to our friendship. I’m not sure it would be so easy in a sexual relationship. Just a feeling, I’m not sure.

Carolyn: You mentioned you date a lot and she’s dating someone else. How much do you share between partners? Do you have a relationship with your metamours?

Eva: We don’t share partners, although I’m not opposed to it. She is more into sexual monogamy. I’m the opposite. I don’t really form close bonds with the people I have sex with. I don’t really equate sex with emotional connection. So for me, variety is a lot of fun. I think because we are so different in that aspect, there isn’t overlap.

And we talk about our sexual or emotional connections with others together all the time; comes with best friend territory! But also, we like to talk about how we can maintain our outside relationship(s) once we are married and living together, etc.

Carolyn: What strategies have you come up with?

Eva: We both want to be very honest with whoever we are dating — so, making sure everyone has an understanding that just because we don’t have sex, that doesn’t mean our relationship isn’t primary. It is very important to both of us that that is understood and respected. Second, we both want plenty of space away from each other for our sexual lives. We thought about having individual rooms (in addition to a room that we share, since we do sleep in the same bed often) and making sure to give each other space.

“I don’t think I could ever go back to being monogamous. I feel a sense of freedom in being able to fuck who I want to fuck (consensually of course), whether it be for lust or for money.”

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Eva: I think I saw it as a necessity at first. It was just purely functional because I had to work and I didn’t want to lie to my partner about my work. And now because my primary relationship is not at all sexual, I almost don’t feel like I am consciously polyam, just that it happens to work out that way. It is, however, a very critical part of my understanding of myself. I don’t think I could ever go back to being monogamous. I feel a sense of freedom in being able to fuck who I want to fuck (consensually of course), whether it be for lust or for money. Perhaps that is hedonistic of me, but it is a part of who I am.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Eva: I really can’t see myself anywhere but building a life with my partner/best friend. I would really like that. I would also like to continue dating around and having as much fun as possible meeting new people and having great sex. I would like to see her also happily dating who she wants and having great sex too! When she’s happy, I’m happy.

Poly Pocket: It’s Not The Structure, It’s The People

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Mina is a 32-year-old multiracial cis queer kinky lady living and dating in a big blue city in the deep red American South. She is a sexual assault survivor with a handful of mental health diagnoses, an invisible disability, a weakness for terrible puns, and a goddamn master’s degree, thank you very much. She is in a committed relationship with a cis dude and also dating casually, and works in public sector administration. “Mina” is a pseudonym.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Mina: Well, I had a pretty terrible introduction to the idea. In November of 2010 I had just moved across the country to go to grad school and move in with my long-distance boyfriend, and the day I found out I got accepted to the program he was like, “Oh, btw, I think we should also fuck other people.” It was a complete surprise, and I spent a lot of time in the next couple of weeks being hurt and crying.

We revisited the conversation occasionally, and eventually I got to a place where I would be OK with noticing myself being attracted to other people — both men and, increasingly — women, which was also a surprise to me at the time. And from a feminist/critical perspective, it made sense to me that since I had a non-traditional initiation into sexual activity (i.e., sexual assault at 14 and again at 15) I might need to do some other non-traditional things as a consenting adult to reclaim my agency.

So first I had to interrogate my own assumptions about monogamy. And then I had to decide what I was going to be OK with in theory versus in practice. I don’t know if that specific task ever really ends: I have decided that ethical non-monogamy is possible, and now I am working on what it is going to look like for me specifically. Because like for everything else, there isn’t one right way to do this. And that’s taken me a long time to realize and embrace, and it still isn’t anywhere near ideally implemented! So now I’m asking myself, what do I want, and that’s a hard question to answer even within a committed monogamous relationship. Let alone when you add in additional partners and lovers.

“I have decided that ethical non-monogamy is possible, and now I am working on what it is going to look like for me specifically.”

I broke up with the guy who I moved here for, in large part because he couldn’t demonstrate the kind of commitment I needed to see in order to feel comfortable with opening the relationship. That isn’t what I tell most people, of course, but it was the process of thinking about ethical non-monogamy that led me to decide to DTMFA. That was two years ago, and I’ve never been happier.

Also, the idea that “loving more than one person is possible” finally started to make sense to me when I realized that I describe more than one person as “my best friend.” For me, “best friend” is more like a level than an exclusive, one-person-only category — I love each of these people deeply, and differently, and I wouldn’t try to prioritize which one of them I love “more” because that isn’t the point of how we care for each other. Happiness is not a competition. And so the idea that I could also, in theory, be in love with more than one person at once… that idea started to make more sense.

Carolyn: So what is your relationship situation right now? And how does the way you’re asking yourself what you want fit into it?

Mina: I’m in a committed, serious relationship with a white cis dude. We met last August (2015) and we live together now — I knew it was getting serious when he proposed that we introduce our cats to each other. He’s on my insurance through work, and we had to do some courthouse legal stuff to make that happen, and I wrote basically a pre-nup that we both signed. (I don’t want to let my love life ruin my finances again.) So, he’s my “primary.” We started dating when I wasn’t really interested in monogamy, and he has basically always done polyamory, so I had the experience of being able to define up front what I want from him.

I have a pattern in my relationships in which I take it upon myself to be their #1 support. Which is great, in some ways, but can also easily slide into me being their only emotional support, and that gets codependent AF, fast, and isn’t good for me. “Doing the open relationship thing” means that by default, I am acknowledging that I cannot and will not be all things for this person, which is pretty liberating.

And, well, I wouldn’t have had the space to figure out I also like dating ladies if I had continued to prefer a monogamous setup. This has been a relatively recent thing (maybe the last 18 months?) and since then it’s been a series of “Ways We Should Have Known Earlier.” Without having the chance to date outside this very loving and nourishing relationship I have at home (although damn it’s got its issues), I wouldn’t have given that whole aspect of my life another thought.

Carolyn: Where here does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Mina: I exist in the between spaces of a lot of social identities. Dad is white and mom is Chicana and her Ancestry DNA profile says she’s 25% Native — to white folks I read as white, and to brown folks I read as “something that isn’t white.” This is the first time I’ve ever lived and worked somewhere that people look like me.

I try to acknowledge that I get the benefit of white privilege even while feeling frustrated that I feel like an outsider to a lot of the Latin@ community. So, navigating the racial identity thing while dating can be a little tricky. I have a super-sensitive radar for gendered racialized bullshit, and I’ve dated white folks (men and women), and other folks, who are insufficiently critical in their race-gender lens — is that just called “woke” now? — and dumped them fast even though the sex was good. If I can’t trust you in the voting booth, why tf would I trust you in bed? But at the same time, I’ve definitely been the one to fuck up and #whitefeminist all over someone, too.

I “read” as a pretty average white girl, but I’ve got all this hidden complexity to how I think about myself and how I move in the world. Now that polyamory is part of that, I feel like I’m additionally subversive: a big fuck you to the white capitalist hetero-cis-patriarchy, all around.

Part of why I’ve been reluctant to identify as “poly” is actually related to the race/gender stuff. I don’t know if this is specific to my metro area, but the online “poly” groups I’ve seen are a LOT of white dudes and their wives or girlfriends. All of which is fine: you do you, y’all. But don’t simultaneously bleat on about how poly folks are persecuted and ignore the facts about who benefits from like every single policy in American law. If you can’t see that these struggles are all bound up together, I do not have the time for you.

I’ve actually gotten a lot more picky about who I date since starting to do non-monogamy. One of my best friends since college — we have a similar cultural background, and who is also realizing she’s bi, and we’ve fooled around a bit, I love her so hard — told me years ago, “girl, you need to stop dating white boys with momma issues.” And I think a similar injunction would apply: “girl, you need to stop dating whitefeminists who don’t get intersectional.”

And to the “what do you want” issue, poly has been a real life-saver for my relationship with my primary, as well: we both have real struggles with mental health, and he’s just coming out of a long depressive episode during which sex was just not an option, and it relieved a lot of the pressure on us both to know that I could get my physical needs met elsewhere with a partner at home who would cheer me on.

I’ve dated people with depression before — hell, I’ve been that partner before — and lord, this was such a better way to handle that whole side-effect.

Carolyn: I bet!

Mina: If there’s one thing I’ve learned since starting to interrogate my own assumptions about monogamy, it’s that whether it “works” is not about the STRUCTURE; it’s about the PEOPLE, and what they each bring to the table. I’m really grateful to have some terrific people around me at the moment.

“Whether it ‘works’ is not about the STRUCTURE; it’s about the PEOPLE, and what they each bring to the table.”

Carolyn: You mentioned ADHD earlier: What other ways do mental health things fit into poly for you? Does it affect your relationships, make you more inclined to approach or function within/around them in certain ways?

Mina: I think it makes me less interested in tolerating bullshit from people. I know I have issues with certain things that are important to successful, mutually nourishing relationships. I work hard at addressing those weaknesses despite the fact that my disability means they don’t come naturally to me (and I do refer to my ADHD as a disability, the comments section can fight about this later if they want). I can list them: Emotion regulation. Conversation that takes turns. I get bored fast, and this includes with boring people or boring conversation. So I have a pretty clear-cut strategy for first dates.

I also, because I am a data nerd, built myself a spreadsheet with a rubric, to keep track of my first date outcomes… because I know I will not remember them if I do not write them down. I have two or three places I like equally for first dates, and I almost always pick the location since I almost always do the asking. I will give the person until I’ve finished one cocktail and one fancy fizzy soda water (I order them at the same time), and if I haven’t been convinced that this person is someone I want to keep talking to for another drink’s worth of time, I say goodnight and I’m done. I do not have time for bad second dates. Which is why I have a lot of first dates — and fuck on a lot of them — but not a lot of second dates. The people I keep around, the ones who I love and I date and I fuck, are folks who find my mind charming and amusing.

I like arranging first dates quickly, far better than endless messaging, for this reason: if you can’t handle me in person, why TF would we date?

Carolyn: Yes! and how much of a sense of who a person is can anyone really get from a few back and forth messages with no context?

Mina: Exactly.

“Sometimes love means that you hurt, but the hurt doesn’t make it any less worthwhile.”

Carolyn: When you and your primary date other people, what does that look like?

Mina: Logistically we both can see each other’s google calendars. We have at least two date nights a week that we reserve for each other — always Saturday, work allowing, and then at least one other evening. We will almost certainly have sex on both date nights. (Unless the world ends, like it did on election Tuesday, in which case we end up watching Community and eating takeout.) Other than that: (1) Verbally communicate when you set a date with someone else, and also put it on the calendar, (2) Text when you leave the bar to go fuck, and (3) Text a status update when you’re on your way home, which also includes something sweet and usually sexy.

Other logistics involve clean sheets — this was more of an issue when we were in separate apartments — and always always always use protection. The norm for “who fucks in this apartment” has been “don’t fuck anybody else in our bed unless I’m out of town, in which case, do the laundry before I get home.”

Carolyn: Laundry is definitely a secret to poly and cohabitation.

Mina: YES. We have a washing machine in the apartment and it’s worth every penny.

For me, I’m grateful to have a primary partner who is more experienced with non-monogamy than I am because it means we aren’t both learning at the same time. It also means he can reflect what I may not see myself. A few months ago I went to a lesbian wedding out of town, as the guest of a friend (the one who told me to stop dating white boys with momma issues), and I shared with him beforehand that I was worried that if she and I fucked again, that it would lead to me Catching Feels, and that I didn’t want to get hurt because of how far away she lives, neither of us are out to our families, etc. He said very gently, sweetie, I think you already do have feelings for her, and that’s OK too.

And I spent some time with that statement, and you know what? He was right. And sometimes love means that you hurt, but the hurt doesn’t make it any less worthwhile.

I think I am less kind about his dates — he seems to date the flakiest damn women — but I do think it comes from a place of wanting the best for him. “Why are you trying to see her again? She’s cancelled on you twice.” He tends to go for quantity over quality, though, haha, so that is perhaps just a difference of priorities for what we each want from dating. I don’t have to remember the names of his dates until he decides they’ll be around for more than two. That’s a useful ADHD-related dating thing: it’s permission I gave myself, and then set the expectation by communicating it to him. Far less emotional labor for me — if i don’t have to learn their names, and he’s happy, then literally I do not care. Or at least, I try hard not to.

Carolyn: Do you experience jealousy? If so, how do you handle it? If no, how do you prevent it?

Mina: Part of how i handle the threat of jealousy is by learning only what I want to know (as in, the names thing), and part is by requesting frequent verbal reassurance about how I am superior to his other dates. I actually believe that he means things like, “you have the best ass in the entire state.” That’s a willing suspension of disbelief in some ways, but also because I’ve chosen to trust that he means it when he says I come first.

“I think jealousy — at least as I’ve seen it among my poly friends — often stems from an unwillingness to interrogate one’s own assumptions about oneself and one’s partner(s). I do NOT think that everything can be resolved by communication, but sometimes it sure does help clear the air.”

I’ve only asked him once to cancel a date because of Issues We Were Having, and that was two days after we moved into a new apartment and the house was still in chaos.

Right now, his depressive episode is finally resolving, and I have six months of backlog of really rough sex that I want to catch up on, and so when he told me a couple weeks ago that he had four first dates scheduled for the week, I got really mad! because it felt like he was choosing sex with randos who would likely fall through rather than fuck me, RIGHT HERE and ready and frustrated. I was jealous of his time and attention, more than the sex itself. We talked about it, and I realized he was seeking something specific that I could not offer (the heady experience of a new partner), in order to build up his sexual confidence again in no small part so as to feel like he could give me what I wanted. I said that I desperately needed emotional intimacy, for a lot of reasons, and so we agreed on more cuddling and more non-sexual physical touch, and set a specific day for a very sensual, loving sex session, but all that only happened because I was willing to interrogate my own reaction.

I think jealousy — at least as I’ve seen it among my poly friends — often stems from an unwillingness to interrogate one’s own assumptions about oneself and one’s partner(s). I do NOT think that everything can be resolved by communication, but sometimes it sure does help clear the air.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Mina: I want to dedicate myself to work that matters, to issues that matter, and I have the professional skills to do that. I think I want “my future” to look like something that is … my own. And not anybody else’s template.

I realized as I was writing the bio paragraph that I’ve got a lot of boxes marked on my Intersectionality Bingo card. And that means good things and also realistic things. Like, I am not living a conventional life. I still need to interrogate whether my professed desire to be a mother comes from a place of conventional upbringing, or from a more authentic place that I can do in my own way.

I want to have a life partner. I think I’ve found one.

I want to have meaningful relationships, sexual and otherwise, with people who are conducive to my flourishing.

If I decide that going through pregnancy and parenting is something I want to do for my own, legitimate reasons, then I need to decide what that means for my home and professional life.

Right now, “the future” means I keep my head down politically enough to stay off the radar of people who are in a position to dole out consequences in my field, while making enough mischief to be considered part of the resistance. And I need the people in my life — and in my bed — to be part of supporting me when I need emotional nourishment or physical release.

It’s a pretty self-centered vision, TBH. I swear to you it fits into a larger picture of community and democracy. But some days I can only address what’s within my immediate reach, and I think I need to give myself permission for that to be Enough.

Poly Pocket: Dreaming of a World With Less Fear, More Vulnerability As A Black Trans Queer Person

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Lazarus Letcher is a 24-year-old Black kid with a white mom, is non-binary trans/genderqueer, and is queerly flying solo through poly life in Albuquerque, New Mexico. They are currently balancing dating, finishing up grad school with a focus on Black liberation movements and decolonial queer studies, playing viola and singing with cutie queer folk band Eileen & the In-Betweens, and working as a sex educator/dildo slinger at Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: So when did you start to explore polyamory?

Lazarus: About three years ago. I was single for the first time in a long time, and was looking forward to making new types of relationships and connections. I had realized during my last monogamous relationship that when I was dating someone I felt this obligation to devote all of my love and emotional support to that one person. My friendships always suffered when I was in a relationship, even long distance ones. I realize now that the model of love and relationship I had absorbed was one rooted in capitalism. I thought that there was only so much love available to give, a scarcity of emotions, and that because of that they all had to be devoted to one special person in my life. Any love I spent outside of my homonormative couplet felt like cheating to me. It was also around this time that I just began to question the shit out of everything, and myself. I realized that I had not really allowed myself to imagine a future that wasn’t centered on having a career, a partner, and kids. I also realized I didn’t have to be a woman. For me, my polyamory journey is deeply connected with stepping into my gender and myself.

I started dating a true gem of a human after I’d decided I wanted my next relationship to be poly. They had been poly since they were 16, and it was really nice to have my first non-monogamous relationship be with someone who had experience and just some dope ass communication skills. I realized I had never explicitly asked for what I wanted in a relationship until I was poly. It was the first time I felt like I could be fully myself in a relationship. Expressing attraction or adoration for others wasn’t grounds for terminating our relationship. I could love and be loved in return with no shame or guilt.

“I had never explicitly asked for what I wanted in a relationship until I was poly. It was the first time I felt like I could be fully myself in a relationship … I could love and be loved in return with no shame or guilt.”

Carolyn: What is your relationship situation like now?

Lazarus: I just pretty recently started officially dating someone. The relationship is really my ideal poly situation. I’ve known them for awhile because the queer universe is a tiny fishpond no matter where you live. We struck up a really natural friendship that blossomed into play partners that turned into feelings which now leaves us as two giddy teens dating. We’re both in the kink community and play with others and have other relationships that beautifully blur the line of friend/lover. They live with an intentional community, and I’m really excited to explore the kinship potential that first attracted me to polyamory.

Carolyn: What kind of kink dynamics are at play? Do they influence your poly dynamics at all?

Lazarus: I’ve been pretty switchy my whole life, and my appetite in giving and receiving pleasure has really transformed since I started testosterone. This winter solstice will be my one year anniversary of second puberty, and over the course of this year I feel like I’ve suddenly been present for the first time in my body since I was a kid. I view kink as a way to explore and love this new body that’s entirely my creation. I tend to be on the submissive side of things more, which feels radical to me as a queer person of color. Being Black in the kink world is kind of like being Black everywhere else, I’m just waiting for someone to say something fucked up. I’ve heard stories from friends about being propositioned to be involved in “historically accurate” slave situations with white men, and that’s a really fucking hard limit for me.

I do identify as a submissive and my white partner is a service top. While it may not seem this way, I find that choosing to submit, choosing to let my body receive, being ultimately in control of my pleasure, is radical. I think our kink dynamic does impact our relationship in a really great way. The communication that’s necessary to play is a great model for everyday interactions. Consent, checking in, asking what someone’s desires are, these are all marvey things that can benefit any type of relationship.

“I find that choosing to submit, choosing to let my body receive, being ultimately in control of my pleasure, is radical.”

Carolyn: Have any specific communication strategies been particularly successful (or not) for you? Why/why not?

Lazarus: I’ve tried a few. I’m embarrassed to admit for how long I bought into so many romance myths (I’m gonna go ahead and blame young adult novels). I think the most dangerous myth I believed in was that if someone loved me they should be able to read my mind. That is just a fucking nutter butters presumption. It’s taken a lot of work to be able to articulate what my needs are, and that’s a really huge first step in communication. I’ve also learned that once I’ve processed something that’s bothering me, it’s better to share it than let it simmer for months and fester into something much worse. Fear of hurting someone is legitimate, but I’ve found that delaying the news helps no one.

Consistent check-ins have been the most helpful. In my first poly relationship we’d try to catch each other up on what our goals for the relationship were, what we appreciated about each other, and what we’d want to work on as a unit every few months. The goal was to preempt a backlog of resentment essentially, and just get everything out there. I’m a super anxious person, especially when it comes to communication, and going into a serious talk with an idea about the structure is extremely helpful for me.

Carolyn: How do you negotiate conflict? How do you negotiate change?

Lazarus: In most of my poly relationships thus far I’ve been a play partner or “special friend” to married folks. In these situations I’d say I have not handled conflict well, and I think it has to do with my resistance to hierarchal relationships that just seem inevitable if you’re dating someone married.

The conflicts I struggle with the most center around being Black in this polysphere. I was playing with/seeing a white person when Terence Crutcher got murdered and their inability to even grasp, or begin to grasp, the terror I felt completely shut me down. In that situation I just ghosted rather than deal with white tears. It feels strange talking about love and relationships in a time like this — with the powerful Indigenous-led resistance at Standing Rock, the deadliest year for trans folks on record, and the election of Trump, and I am honestly struggling to feel compassion for white folks right now, a conflict that I anticipate in a lot of my relationships.

About six months ago I ended my first long term poly relationship, and that change was hard. In addition to our relationship ending, the quad we were in changed drastically. It was a situation where I had realized my needs and not articulated them until I ended up hurting a lot of people, which I regret immensely. I’m still close with everyone in the quad, and some folks are still dating, but the reconfiguration of this web of relationships, with absolutely no fucking model for what that looks like, has been hard.

“I envision a future where I can reopen my heart, and fight for a world where I’m not scared to leave my apartment with all of my identities intact. My dream world and future is one with less fear and more vulnerability.”

Carolyn: With no models, where do you turn for advice or support?

Lazarus: I am extremely lucky to work at a business that is not only totally accepting of every facet of my identity including polyamory, but is also a hub for the local poly community. Albuquerque has a fairly sizeable poly and kink community. I have folks in my life who have been poly for decades and hearing how they’ve navigated life and the law has been fascinating. I still haven’t told my family, what better way than a very public article? Almost everyone in my friend circle practices some type of non-monogamy. Having no model can be scary, but also extraordinarily liberating. Making, creating, and nurturing relationships, in a way that aren’t just regurgitating the heteropatriarchal settler colonial white supremacist holy of holy couple, is amazing.

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Lazarus: I think my poly identity fits in neatly with my identity as a radical anti-racist decolonial sex-positive Black trans queer. I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying to undo a lot of damage. I’m trying to interrogate the aspects of my life and identity that are the results of oppression, or that perpetuate oppression. For me polyamory is an aspect of this. I view polyamory as a structure that’s helpful in me decolonizing my love life and the way I view relationships. Having complete ownership of everything within the borders of my skin, and doing what I desire with it and with whom, is an incredible “fuck you” to the systems of oppression I seek to dismantle (and a fun one!). Allowing myself to love fully and completely has helped me foster compassion and empathy in ways I never anticipated, and I think these are two key parts of being an effective organizer or activist. The ability to love openly and fiercely, especially in times like this.

It also has enabled to see myself as a part of a larger web of things, not just in transit from one family unit to another. An alternative kinship without discrimination.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Lazarus: Uff da, what do I want my future to look like? Open and loving. Growing up in the rural Midwest, Black, queer, trans and scared, I felt isolated. I’ve worked hard to open up my heart, but right now it seems really hard to articulate what my future might look like. I’m fighting for my life on stolen land. A banner reading “Whites Only” was hung on a business down the street from me. I envision a future where I can reopen my heart, and fight for a world where I’m not scared to leave my apartment with all of my identities intact. My dream world and future is one with less fear and more vulnerability. I think the support networks I’ve found during my time as a poly person exist in a lot of queer spaces, the notion of chosen family is new to no one on the margin. I don’t know if I want kids of my own, but I would love to take part in helping raise kids in a poly scenario. My vision is for all of us to find love, inside or outside of the models presented to us.

Poly Pocket: Polyamorous In A Monogamous Relationship

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Traci Medeiros is a 32-year-old Japanese American queer polyamorous Southern Californian in a functionally monogamous relationship. She/they are a therapist in private practice “doing what [they] can in Orange County to offer queer/kinky/non-monogamous folks a little bit of safe space and reflection” and running Queer University and Shame Kills Love.

This interview has been lightly edited.

Carolyn: How did you come to identify as polyamorous?

Traci: I’ve identified as polyamorous since I was in undergrad. I was doing all this work in social kinship networks and queer family building at the time and it just made so much sense to me functionally and emotionally. I also liked the idea of openness in terms of sexuality and the richness of experiences it offered, but I’m also a really sensitive and high context person. I’m low on jealousy but (very) high on communication/process. I have very few “acquaintance type” relationships — romantic or otherwise — because of this. I don’t have anything against them, but because of my personality they’re actually quite draining on me so non-monogamy/openness without the relationships didn’t seem like a great fit. Polyamory on the other hand seemed like all the good stuff — and more of it — with more people to help support everyone getting it!

Oddly, enough this interview comes at an interesting time because at the moment I’m functionally (and intentionally) monogamous with no future plans to open up my relationship. This is the first time I’ve been in this place in my adult life and actually the first relationship I’ve formatted like this as well.

Carolyn: What led you to structure your relationship that way?

Traci: Mostly just the right time and place for that specific human. We actually met at a party when I was on a date with my partner — not the person we were on a date with. We dated for about seven months, and then when I ended up separating from my primary partner and my legal spouse (different people) we decided to give it a go. I think we were both in a place for some streamlining, nesting, and efficiency in our lives. Not that those things are necessarily mutually exclusive from poly.

Monogamy was important to her and I was at a place that I wanted the support of poly but didn’t necessarily need that to be multiple romantic partners.

“I really like polyamory for the way it incorporates the ‘it takes a village’ idea. I like how it values multiple types of relationships and reminds us that there is value in different kinds of connection.”

Carolyn: Interesting! What’s that like for you?

Traci: From my own life, friends/family, and also the work that I do with clients, I’ve noticed that there are a lot of places that monogamy and non-monogamy overlap. I think we just tend to get caught up on the number of humans and titles. I really like polyamory for the way it incorporates the “it takes a village” idea. I like how it values multiple types of relationships and reminds us that there is value in different kinds of connection. I also like how it encourages us to value each other and ourselves for sheerly existing without needing to attach it to all these other functional pieces we’re responsible for in our partnerships.

I think that these goals can be really well supported by the structure of polyamory, but that we can still honor these ideals with a dyad at romantic/sexual center and other support networks sprawling outwards from there.

Carolyn: Looking specifically at your relationship: What about this is a struggle? What about it is exciting?

Traci: I think that while poly and monogamy can certainly overlap in end goals, the number of people (and the threat that goes along with that) can be really difficult for people to get over. This is understandable given our culture around romance and partnership. I’ve also noticed that it does seem like folks tend to have a bit of an inclination for one or the other. Out of all the pieces of identity I’ve had to come out about over the years (and there have been a few!) I have to say that “being poly” in the way that I see the world has been one that I’ve experienced at the deepest and most consistent core levels. On the other hand, my partner tends to lean towards monogamy so sometimes we have to do a bit of translating to hear each other and feel safe. It sometimes looks like a math genius trying to explain to someone who can’t deal with numbers, but with emotional math and in both directions.

As for the what’s most exciting: I feel really good about redirecting the space I use to use on navigating between different partners on her and our growing family. Coming from a place where I had more than two adults participating in finances and whatnot, I’ve noticed that it really simplifies things in that way. At times there are less resources to deal with, but also less folks to check in with about things. Decisions and process seem to be more focused. I’ve gotten to use this space to put to my practice and general self-care. It has really been the perfect fit for me in this moment in time.

“Seeing the world from a place of potential connection and collaboration rather than competition (which are pieces that are core tenets of my poly philosophy) interact with all other elements of my identity.”

Carolyn: In that context, where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Traci: Whoa, big question. Well, seeing the world from a place of potential connection and collaboration rather than competition (which are pieces that are core tenets of my poly philosophy) interact with all other elements of my identity. As far as how it functions within my understanding of myself — I’m not entirely sure. I think this piece is sort of integrating and solidifying as the vision of functional monogamy continues to evolve for me. However, connection, collaboration, honoring other beings in our life for more than function, and having openness to folks creating lives that feel like a uniquely good fit for them are really significant parts of how I understand myself. These things extend to daily interactions big and small and even my food choices.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Traci: I want contentment. Feeling super old as I contemplate this, but this has certainly been rising in the ranks of life priorities. For me this means fullness and safety. I want to feel like I have enough — love, time, support, energy to offer others, and energy to offer myself. I feel really lucky that very little of my poly identity was rooted in scarcity, but I think as a queer introvert who has varying levels of connection with bio family creating my own familial support network was really important. As I’ve been telling others for years, I’m seeing that this exists in many formats and many different numbers of partners. I think it’s just in a different direction than most folks.

Poly Pocket: When Family and Friends Just Don’t Get It

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Zevran is a 23-year-old non-binary queer black African polyamorous human living in Poland. “Zevran” is a pseudonym.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Zevran: My journey began when I was 19. I started with ethical non-monogamy, where I had a partner but was casually dating other people, and then a year ago I began to identify as polyamorous where no relationship hierarchy exists.

Right now, I have a girlfriend who I love deeply. She lives with her boyfriend. We’ve been together for a few months now. We all identify as poly and kinky and the V has no hierarchy and third-party veto (that’s what we are striving for for whatever constellation may arise). I can date or hook up with other people but after I inform my partner, not for permission but for a head’s up. I’ve met my metamour, we are on friendly terms, and since we are interested in similar things we often end up going to events as a trio.

Carolyn: What about non-heirarchial poly feels right to you?

Zevran: That was part of our negotiations before the relationship started. We all felt that since there are already so many layers and dynamics in our relationships, adding even more layers would complicate things. Personally I decided to choose such a relationship because I like to let my emotions and relationships develop organically.

In terms of those layers, my girlfriend and her boyfriend are also in a Daddy Dom/little girl relationship and they live together. My girlfriend and I also have a Dominant/submissive dynamic where we are both switches with each other.

“It’s important to ensure that no partner is treated unfairly and also to not be a complete asshole.”

Carolyn: What impact do your kink dynamics have on your poly dynamics?

Zevran: I like to joke that they make for very unusual conversations between the three of us. But generally it means that we have to be more conscious and aware of boundaries and work extra hard to find a balance.

I’ll give an example. They have a dynamic where she must ask for permission before doing something or face enforcement of a curfew and orgasm denial as punishment. That obviously posed a big problem in my relationship with her. So we have to work around that and make sure the kink stuff from one relationship doesn’t limit the other relationships.

Carolyn: How did you negotiate that? What did you decide on together?

Zevran: The basic thing we agreed on was that no relationship or partner is more important, no matter how many people each of us is with. We all make our comfort levels and boundaries clear and try to be considerate. I talked to them about the things I wasn’t happy with and we made a plan. Namely: no giving tasks that eat into another partner’s time. When she’s with me their dynamics and rules don’t apply. Basically I’m with her, not daddy’s little girl. The same will apply to all other partners.

Carolyn: How do you negotiate conflict?

Zevran: We respectfully voice our complaints then talk about it and find a way forward. Luckily we have a local poly support group, too. Sometimes they end in tears or total disagreement but so far we haven’t gotten something we haven’t been able to work through or around.

Carolyn: Earlier, you wrote, “I believe that honesty and clear communication is key. Compromise, being considerate and willingness to renegotiate can be helpful, especially when conflicts arise. It’s important to ensure that no partner is treated unfairly and also to not be a complete asshole, as applies to everything in general.” Was there a time when someone was treated unfairly? How was that resolved?

Zevran: That happened plenty of times during the beginning of our relationship when we were still trying to adjust ourselves to the situation. Boundaries were crossed, there was a time when it got so bad we were considering ending things or at the very least taking a break. I don’t want to get into specifics but it was tough on all of us.

What I did was talk to a lot of people more experienced than me — on fetlife or from the support group and my therapist is also very poly and kink friendly. Then we sat down and discussed the issues that were troubling us, and then negotiated.

I learned that there is no ideal way or correct way of doing poly. Sometimes what works perfectly in theory might fail miserably in practice. It’s important to know exactly what you want and accept that mistakes will be made, so how you resolve them is important.

Carolyn: How out are you about being poly?

Zevran: My friends and siblings know that I’m poly. Anyone who pays close attention on Facebook knows I’m non-monogamous, so I guess my mum knows, too, it’s just never come up in conversation. I’ve never announced it but it’s no secret, either. What I wish is that it wasn’t such a big deal. It gets exhausting.

In terms of queerness, my family and friends try to adjust themselves to the situation. My queerness is something they have accepted. But my family is mostly in Kenya and maybe that works in my favour; my close family has only met my partners through the years via Skype. So being from a society where “What would people say?” holds a lot of water, my not being there for societal comment makes it easier for my close family to accept and support me. And I’m far enough away from those who would give me shit about it.

“There is no ideal way or correct way of doing poly. Sometimes what works perfectly in theory might fail miserably in practice. It’s important to know exactly what you want and accept that mistakes will be made, so how you resolve them is important.”

Carolyn: How do your family and friends see your relationships?

Zevran: I’ve noticed the intersection of queer and not queer and poly relationships, especially when not all partners or people in the constellation are queer, leads to a lot of societal invalidation of the queer relationships. In my experience with my current partner that has been a real problem. Family and friends tend to recognize her and her boyfriend and pretend that I don’t exist, mostly because they have been together longer and queer relationships are not respected or recognized.

She tends to get invitations to events like weddings which explicitly state only one partner is invited, preferably the male one as people will be uncomfortable with my presence. That’s something we haven’t yet been able to work around. I would like to know how other people navigate such situations, because in as much as we see each other as equals, society doesn’t and I would be lying if I said that doesn’t pain me.

Carolyn: How does polyamory function within your understanding of yourself?

Zevran: Being poly allows me the freedom to be myself. I don’t believe that one person can realistically fulfill all my needs and I have the capacity to be with several people at once.

I’m already pretty untraditional and unconventional and being poly sometimes complicates things a bit more. I have friends and family who still haven’t wrapped their heads around my queerness and gender identity and they simply just don’t understand poly.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like?

Zevran: I want to be with two or maximum three serious relationships. I also want to involve kink in the relationships. Hopefully by then being poly won’t be so radical.

Poly Pocket: Being As Direct As Possible

Feature photo of Tyler by Morgan Phillips.

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Tyler Vile is 23-year-old native and Jewish queer trans woman with Cerebral Palsy living in Baltimore, MD. She is poly and dating a few people, and is an author, performer, musician and activist.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Tyler: Well, I don’t think I’ve ever really been monogamous. I had a very queer adolescence. I went to an art high school and hung out primarily with other queer kids and punks, I had a handful of friends I used to mess around with, but never dated anyone seriously until I got out of my abusive parents’ house.

I guess I was introduced to the term when I was like 18 and my sister, who’s nine years older than I am, was exploring it. I read The Ethical Slut, which was problematic as fuck, but still insightful for me then. I thought, yeah, that fits and that’s just been my life ever since.

Carolyn: When you started to date people seriously, what did that look like?

Tyler: I was single for a good long while, like, just me and the occasional hookup for a couple years. I fell in love with a few people I’d been close to, but things didn’t work out for a lot of different reasons. I’m actually in my longest-term relationship right now. My partner Abby and I have been together for just over a year.

Carolyn: Aw rad! How did that relationship start?

Tyler: Oh, I love this story! We met when my sister, Jamie, was visiting Baltimore last May and we were walking to one of my favorite bookstores in town, Atomic Books, which has a bar in the back. We saw this gaggle of queers coming from the other direction and Abby recognized Jamie. We all headed to the bar and started hanging out. Abby told me later that she only stuck around because she thought Jamie’s sister was cute! We hung out as friends that summer a little bit, but we started working on a two-night queer variety show together called the Charm City Kitty Club. Our theme for our sketches that season was parodying all the Shondaland shows, but mostly Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder. I played this Sarah Palin-esque character called Senator Vile whose husband was just murdered and Abby played my secret girlfriend, Katherine Knipp. So, at the end of the show, my character confesses that she’s gay and loves her girlfriend. We kissed for the first time onstage and on the second night, I improvised and asked her to gay marry me in character.

Carolyn: You’re dating multiple people: How did those relationships come about? How does everything fit together?

Tyler: Right now, I’m dating two people, Abby, who lives in Baltimore, and Magpie, who lives in Seattle. I have a few make out buddies and friends with benefits, too. I tour a fair bit as a writer and performer, so I meet some awesome people on the road and sometimes I sleep with them.

Magpie and I started dating when we were in New York City for a week long all trans women summer fiction writing workshop put on by my publisher, Topside Press in August. We were making eyes at each other for the first couple days and then everybody came over to my publisher Tom’s apartment in Flatbush where I was staying for a meeting to figure out the future of the workshop. We were all partying before it and Magpie and I started getting cozy. They were so shy that they, like, started to ask me for a kiss and then stopped mid-sentence, so I was like, “is it a kiss you want?” and she nodded her head. Then we took a walk down to this little Caribbean spot on the corner and got some plantains and made out instead of eating them. We went back for the meeting, and after the meeting, Tom moved the party into his room so Magpie and I could have sex on an air mattress in the living room.

It was intense, I thought it was just going to be a hookup, but we talked and said we really liked each other and we wanted to keep this going, so we video chat every now and then.

“‘Hey, can we check in about something?’ is one of my favorite questions. It’s open-ended and gentle, but firm. It gets to the point without hitting anyone over the head.”

Carolyn: Do you find that a long-distance poly relationship poly has any stand-out perks or drawbacks?

Tyler: It’s low-maintence, for sure. Of course, I wish I could see them more often, but I mean, we’re poor and live on opposite coasts, so this is how it works and it’s been good so far.

Carolyn: What’s your relationship with your metamours like?

Tyler: In general, I like to know my metamours. I don’t have to love them or have sex with them, but at the very least, I want to know that we’re all treating the same person with the love and respect they deserve. I watch Abby’s other girlfriend Erin’s five-year-old son sometimes, Abby’s boyfriend Brad drove me to the vet and held me the day my cat died.

Carolyn: How much do you share between partners?

Tyler: A fair bit. I mean, I let partners know who I’ve had sex with recently or who I’m going to have sex with just as a safety thing. A lot of the time it’s just, hey, I had a really good time with this person and here’s what we did, how’s your other person? If there’s an issue with another partner, I’ll vent to the person I’m with if I need to and the person I’m with can always talk to me about their stuff.

Carolyn: Within your relationships, how do you negotiate conflict? How do you negotiate change?

Tyler: I try to be as direct as possible and tell people exactly how I’m feeling and check in to see what they need. I really don’t have time or energy to mince words or let things go unsaid.

“Hey, can we check in about something?” is one of my favorite questions. It’s open-ended and gentle, but firm. It gets to the point without hitting anyone over the head. I prefer to have those conversations in person or at least on video chat so I can see and hear where the other person is coming from. If it’s a longer conversation, we make time to hang out and just talk about that thing for however long we need. I want all of my lovers and friends to feel comfortable bringing up issues and I do my best to make sure that they feel heard and not attacked when I bring up an issue.

Carolyn: I love that approach! What about poly is a struggle for you? What about it is most exciting?

Tyler: Poly comes naturally to me in a lot of ways, so I don’t really think of it as struggle. Every once in a while, I get a crush on a monogamous person and that can kind of be a bummer for a minute. But again, I check in with them and make sure that we’re on the same page. I’ve talked to friends where we’re both attracted to each other, but they’re in or want a monogamous relationship. There’s no use convincing anyone to be poly. I can say, “Hey, you might want to talk to your partner about that,” or, “Would you be cool trying it out for a bit?” but I would never say that poly is right and good and monogamy is bad and wrong, because that’s not true. The problem isn’t monogamy itself, it’s compulsory monogamy, the culturally enforced system that says “one man, one woman.” If monogamy works for you, that’s so awesome and I’m really happy for you. If it doesn’t, renegotiate it.

“I find a lot of joy in acknowledging all the ways I’m attracted to my friends and lovers and all the ways they’re attracted to me.”

Carolyn: Where does poly intersect with other elements of your identity? How does it function within your understanding of yourself?

Tyler: A lot, maybe even most of my queer, trans and two-spirit friends are poly, so polyamory and queerness are pretty much inseparable for me in practice. I realize it might not be that way for everyone, but I find a lot of joy in acknowledging all the ways I’m attracted to my friends and lovers and all the ways they’re attracted to me. Not all of them are sexual, in fact, I think it’s part of why I celebrate non-sexual attraction as much as sexual attraction. It’s not all roses, though, I was sexually assaulted back in May by someone who I considered a friend. So, as a survivor, it’s taken time and effort to get back to a place where I can hookup with friends again. I’m most people’s introduction to loving someone with a visible physical disability. There’s a cultural expectation that if you’re dating a disabled person, you’re their sole caretaker. I’m bucking that by having lots of friends and lovers and making sure none of them fall into a caretaker role.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Tyler: I mean, with Trump getting elected, I’m hoping I survive the Mad Max thunder dome by this time next year. In all seriousness, the future I want isn’t some queer utopia where everybody’s poly, there are orgies every weekend, and everybody loves each other. That’d be cool, but realistically, I just want to keep dating people as long as it’s healthy for me, I want to grow old, maybe care for kids, and keep publishing books, making music and performing. I’d also like to live in an anarcho-communist future, but a girl can dream.

Poly Pocket: This Is How Bisexual Comedian Gaby Dunn Does Poly

Feature image of Gaby Dunn by Robin Roemer.

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Gaby Dunn is a 28-year-old polyamorous cis white woman. “I say bisexual but then people say no you mean pansexual and then I say fine queer and then people say queer is a slur how dare you so WHO KNOWS.” She’s a writer and YouTuber and actress/comedian.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When you say “poly,” what do you mean?

Gaby: I’ve said poly as a broader catch-all, but it’s weird because I do YouTube videos for a mostly younger audience so I think they’re just learning these terms and aren’t surrounded by any sort of different relationship models. Unless their parents are swingers in the suburbs. Or not even kids, for adults who watch the channel who are used to mainstream TV and movies. I try to… simplify. You can see them arguing in the comments about what it means. They’ll say, “Is he her boyfriend? Why does she say she has a girlfriend in this video? Why is she talking about dating?”

I have a primary person and then I can hook up or casually date or even have other relationships. So while I’ve been with my boyfriend, I had a girlfriend for a while. I do date/have somewhat serious relationships with other people. This girl was on and off for like a year and was a big emotional part of whatever else was going on. I think non-monogamy is just physical, right? And poly is relationships? That’s how I understand it but I could be wrong!

And I don’t always have to have one primary person either. I had two people I was seeing for a while who were pretty even in terms of how often I saw them and the level of commitment.

Carolyn: How do your relationships impact each other?

Gaby: I like having all my friends be friends so I think that influences how I do relationships. I want everyone to hang out! Which can be sort of shortsighted or selfish because I sometimes don’t understand why people wouldn’t want to. But it helps me a lot if they all get along. The last situation fell apart because of fighting between my boyfriend and the girl I was seeing. They were seeing each other some. They broke up but she wanted to keep seeing me, and that became a problem because now she was his ex.

Carolyn: Does the way you approach relationships impact what happens when they’re over? (Personally I seem to know a lot more poly and also queer people who are friends with exes, for instance.) Or maybe a better question is, how would you characterize your approach/attitude toward relationships?

Gaby: The queer people, everyone stays friends. But I’ve also never had the bad experiences with queer people that I’ve had with cis men so… Take from that what you will, world.

“That always seemed missing to me in monogamy. How can you be with this person and never talk to them about these things? But then I think about how hard it is to do and of course no one wants to do it.”

I think people would say I’m maybe too loose? Not enough rules? Which is a big thing I like about poly actually. It forces me to express myself and emotions in this very clear way that is VERY unnatural to me. I think of the poly discussions I’ve had and I feel like I sound pained. I talk so slowly and have to be so direct and explicit and it’s a thing I don’t think people in monogamous relationships ever have to do?

That always seemed missing to me in monogamy. How can you be with this person and never talk to them about these things? But then I think about how hard it is to do and of course no one wants to do it.

Carolyn: I think it’s a lot easier to do/not do when you’re in a relationship there are lots of models for instead of… not. What were your monogamous relationships like? How did you start to explore poly?

Gaby: That’s true. I think people don’t think it’s an option, or at least a viable option. My monogamous relationships were not great! But they also always had weird caveats for being open. I remember saying to college boyfriends, “Make out with whoever you want. Just don’t lie to me.” Before I even knew what poly was! My only concern was, “Don’t lie to me.” They always did. I think because they thought it was a trick.

Even grown men have been like, “This is a trick.”

It’s not a trick! Just don’t lie!

Okay but how can I lie then?

Just don’t!

Seems like a trick, no thanks.

In high school, I had a boyfriend but I was obsessed with this girl and I had this very teen movie thing in my head that hooking up with girls didn’t count, reinforced by, idk, every TV show and movie I ever saw. So for a long time, poly was like, “I have a boyfriend. I’m gonna be with hot girls too. Is that chill?” And the boy would be like, THE MOST CHILL. THE BEST. THIS IS GREAT. Except a high school boyfriend who lost his mind when he found out I’d been making out with this girl. He was really upset! And I remember feeling so confused. Why is he mad? It’s just a girl? Shout out to that guy for getting it.

With my college boyfriend, I was like, we can be together and see other people too. (I still didn’t know the word.) And he took that to mean, I will lie to you constantly about where I am and who I am with and also hook up with people in front of you even though you are clearly mad. All of college was me being like, “This can’t be right! You’re not supposed to lie!” And him being like, “I will now lie all the time.” I felt crazy. Because “don’t lie to me, but do what you want” seemed so simple???

And I was like, other people must be able to pull this off.

I was monogamous again for a while, and cheated on both those people and felt resentful. And then I dated another dude who was a repeat of college dude where I’d say, “Literally all I want is for you not to lie to me,” and he’d go, “Seems like a trick,” and then I found out all he was doing was lying and he’d fall back on “WELL YOU WANTED TO BE OPEN.” So it was my fault he was cheating because I was the poly one.

Then I dated a poly girl who was lovely, if a little too jealous.

Somewhere along the way I met a comedian named Myq Kaplan who’s pretty big and openly poly and talks about it and does jokes about it on TV and such. He’s rad. He became my best friend around that time and he was like, here are some books you’re going to be okay.

“I AM NOT WRONG. I am not broken! This is just different but it doesn’t mean I’m a fundamentally bad person!”

Carolyn: When did you evolve into your current form?

Gaby: Myq really normalized everything and I saw this successful, happy dude just talking about his life on TV and stage. And he sent me The Ethical Slut and he sent me links to Dan Savage and was like, “Right? Right?”

After the you-made-me-cheat-by-being-poly guy, I was so angry. And that anger became, “Okay, I AM NOT WRONG. I am not broken! This is just different but it doesn’t mean I’m a fundamentally bad person! I don’t have to be good enough for anyone!” Around that time I dated that girl who was great, but I think she wanted someone to be obsessed with her (which she’s since found so that’s a relief/great), and then I met my boyfriend.

He was not an obvious answer at all. He was monogamous and like, on paper the type of dude who says, “My father will hear about this!” But that was the first time I explained everything to someone and they were like, “Oh cool.” And I was like, you’re… fine? And he was like, sure yeah I’m interested in learning this. He’d had relationships fall apart in the past because of crushes he had on other people and didn’t understand why that had to be the case, so I think he was looking for poly too but hadn’t found it until he met me. And with him, it’s been what I fucking thought poly was all along! I knew I was right! You can just not lie!

Because he never thought it was a trick. He was like, “Oh, if I tell you this I’m just telling you. You’re not trying to trap me or get information to use again later.”

FUCKING FINALLY SOMEONE GOT IT

Carolyn: Haha

Gaby: I think monogamy is painted as a war between two people. Like any sitcom! Or even, I’ve had a lot of married men come after me in my life (I must give off a vibe?) and I always say, “Why don’t you just tell your wife you’re talking to someone?” And they laugh like I’m naive. One of them told me, “There are things married people keep from each other.” That really sat wrong with me. Why would I want that? Why would I want to be in a long-term relationship where I’m gaming the other person? Or being gamed? That would make me feel so unsettled. But it’s always in every movie or every show or every song or everything we consume: a couple against each other. They’re never shown as a team!

Carolyn: You never see just simply happy not-jealous not-obsessive long-term couples. Married people hate each other, or someone is trying to pull something over on the other, or there’s this “oh I must manipulate you all the time!” edge to everything.

Gaby: Yes! Why??? I don’t understand and sometimes I feel like an alien! Especially when monogamous married people make me seem naive for it.

Carolyn: “How dare you expect to like your partner?”

Gaby: Or even that you can talk to them! Why is it INSANE that you would say to your wife, “I have a crush on someone how funny.”

Carolyn: Above you mentioned that talking and expressing yourself and your emotions is very unnatural for you and that you have to force yourself to do it instead of falling back on rules. In those moments, what’s particularly challenging? I.e., Even when it’s okay to share, does anything make sharing especially hard?

Gaby: I get embarrassed about asking for things. I think because everyone wants to see themselves as above human emotion and as maybe the coolest person to ever live. So when something hurts me or makes me jealous, my instinct is to go, “No, you’re better than that.” But no one is!

I don’t like telling people not to do things, because I get resentful and my worst fear is someone resenting me in a relationship as being like, the old ball and chain. “Un-fun.” So when I have to say “no” to something someone wants and explain why (based on my personal feelings or my reaction or the emotions it brings up in me) I want to be like I AM A ROBOT I HAVE NO FEELINGS.

But then you have miscommunications. Like if I say, “Don’t hook up with that girl. She’s your friend’s roommate and your friend wouldn’t like it.” And then my boyfriend asks and the friend is like, “Oh go for it. I don’t mind.” He thinks my objection was because the friend would be mad. And once he gets the go ahead from the friend, he thinks he’s in the clear. (Which is a thing that happened.) What I should have said was, “I don’t want you to,” instead of making up reasons other people might be upset to seem like I don’t get upset.

Carolyn: It’s so much easier to make things about other people! How do your relationships shift when you date or sleep with someone new?

Gaby: Time management becomes a big thing. There’s periods where we see each other all the time and then where we don’t really. (We don’t live together.)

I think a lot of my monogamous friends go into a vortex when they start dating someone and hang out exclusively with them all the time so it becomes, “What are we doing tonight?” “What are we doing this weekend?” and that’s not a given here. With other partners too. You have to make a plan. Which is actually more interesting and leads to less boring “I’ll come over after work and we’ll just sit.” But there’s comfort in that assumption that the person is coming home so I get that too.

And I’ve tried to shoehorn like, “Okay I’m going out of town so everyone let’s just hang at this bar together tonight,” but my ex-girlfriend bailed once because she didn’t have any interest in competing for my attention while out at a bar.

Carolyn: How does being poly influence how you understand yourself or move through the world?

Gaby: I think it’s way less stressful because I’m free to be a person. To be flawed in the traditional societal sense. To not have to meet a mold that was set up a long time ago for agricultural reasons and then has continued I assume because of Valentine’s Day? It lets me create a community and to keep people in my life and experience all the different things I want to experience. I don’t feel like being with someone is the end of my life.

I’m not sure I agree with the common wisdom that a relationship is sacrifice. That seems horrible. Why would I want someone with me who is sacrificing enjoyment or experiences?

Poly Pocket: Question Everything

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Nicole Quinones is a 20-year-old Latina queer polyamorous femme living in Philadelphia. She is single and works as a nonprofit employee and fetish model.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Nicole: I first explored what I would call non-monogamy (and not necessarily polyamory) about two years ago when I started dating my last partner. We began our relationship as friends who casually hooked up non-exclusively, and eventually our relationship became more serious but we explicitly decided to remain in an open relationship.

We had started our relationship in an open way, and we developed feelings for each other regardless of the fact that we were still hooking up with other people. We also decided this was the best choice for us because we both recognized that we had a hard time being faithful in past relationships.

Carolyn: What initially felt exciting about non-monogamy? What felt challenging?

Nicole: It was exciting because I felt like I didn’t have to either lie to my partner or hold myself back from being attracted to others (and acting on it). It was a completely different configuration and relationship dynamic than I had ever experienced, and it stopped the guilt that I would normally feel in a monogamous relationship. In terms of challenges, I would say that jealousy was the biggest. My ex and I enjoyed setting our own, personalized boundaries and we decided that we would only hook up with other people if it wasn’t something consistent, like dating the other person, or if it wasn’t someone we had some sort of romantic history with. We also would only disclose any hookups we had if the other asked. In my case, I preferred not to know if they had been with someone, because I knew it would ignite my jealousy unnecessarily. They, on the other hand, felt more comfortable knowing, so they would ask me and I would honestly answer.

Right now I am single, but am open to meeting people and am also casually seeing two women, who I have disclosed my polyamory to.

Carolyn: Above you mentioned experiencing jealousy, and handling it one way in your previous relationship (i.e., by not wanting to know about things). Do you experience jealousy now? If so, how do you handle it? How do you prevent it?

Nicole: Since I haven’t been in a serious relationship since my last one ended about a year ago, I don’t believe I’ve been in situations to experience jealousy as strongly as I would have in a relationship. When people I date mention their past partners, I usually get this random slight pang of jealousy, but it’s not very significant. I try to prevent jealous thoughts by putting myself in the other person’s shoes, and realizing that I would not want them to be jealous nor see the need for them to be if the situation were reversed.

I try to prevent jealous thoughts by putting myself in the other person’s shoes, and realizing that I would not want them to be jealous nor see the need for them to be if the situation were reversed.

Carolyn: How would you characterize your attitude toward relationships generally?

Nicole: I think of relationships as occurring in all kinds of dynamics and configurations. I consider platonic relationships just as important as romantic ones and just as relevant as sexual ones. I see all relationships in a non-hierarchical way. I reject the ideas of exclusivity and expectation. In general, I am open to experiencing all kinds of mixed dynamics with others, as long as there is explicit communication. I am usually very wary and almost cynical of pursuing sexual or romantic relationships with people who are not polyamorous themselves, because from my experience I’ve noticed that most expect me to just change and be monogamous once in a relationship with them.

Carolyn: That’s happened to me too! Makes me wary of dating anyone who doesn’t already have a partner or few, because if they do it’s more likely they’ve had some practice with poly before.

Nicole: Exactly. It’s difficult to come across a monogamous person who will really be okay with their partner being poly.

Carolyn: How does polyamory function within your understanding of yourself?

Nicole: I identify with polyamory so intensely because I do not believe that love is something that is limited and can only be shared with one person at a time. I also believe that love is about appreciation and not possession. Someone’s separate relationships should not affect how I feel about them. People have different aspects of themselves, and sometimes, those aspects can only all be satisfied by different people. I really identify with the term relationship anarchy, because I believe it’s about having whatever kind of relationships you want, no matter how unusual or socially unacceptable they may seem, as long as the elements of communication and consent are present.

I consider platonic relationships just as important as romantic ones and just as relevant as sexual ones. I see all relationships in a non-hierarchical way. I reject the ideas of exclusivity and expectation.

Carolyn: Tell me more about how you approach relationship anarchy! I’ve heard it discussed as anywhere from “oh we just don’t have a hierarchy” to “no rules no boundaries no partners anyone can do anything and no one cares” and how successful it is seems to vary. (A previous interview also touched on this.)

Nicole: I guess I would say a little bit of both. I don’t want to hierarchize my relationships, and I’ve moved past the point where I’m only interested in an open relationship. I currently am open to anything: having more than one relationship at a time, being in one relationship with more than one person, being satisfied with only platonic relationships, etc. I’m into whatever works for me at any given time, and I recognize that that can change. I would say relationship anarchy is about questioning everything and not taking any relationship norms for granted, and this includes things like gender roles, jealousy and attachment.

I like asking questions like, “Why do we have to cohabitate as partners? If we do cohabitate, why do we have to share a room? Why do we eventually have to have kids? Why do we eventually have to get married? Why am I jealous of you hanging out with your ex-partner?” etc.

Carolyn: So sort of questioning the way “traditional”/escalator relationships go and your own notions of what feels/should feel good or not good?

Nicole: Exactly. Dropping any pre-set expectations and norms and starting from scratch.

Carolyn: You mentioned in an earlier conversation that you do sex work — what role does that play in how you do poly, if any?

Nicole: The fact that I’m a sex worker I feel has a significant effect on how I do poly because, before anything, my prospective partner needs to at least have some concept of poly so that they don’t consider my job as being unfaithful. I would not stop doing sex work for any partner, because it is something I enjoy doing and I don’t understand the need for jealousy towards my clients. It would be like if I worked at a restaurant and my partner was jealous of the customers who I served food to. Like any other job, there is the employee providing the service for compensation, and there is the customer paying for the service. That is the extent of the relationship, and I could never be with someone who had a problem with my sex work.

Carolyn: Are there any boundaries or structures you set for yourself that make you feel more successful at being poly?

Nicole: My biggest aids to maintaining a healthy mindset are practicing honesty and eradicating expectations. I usually try to stop myself by daydreaming about future expectations with anyone, because I am a strong believer in the inevitable disappointment that expectations bring. Expectations never line up with reality because they are essentially fantasies.

Carolyn: Thinking beyond any specific person, then, what do you want your future to look like?

Nicole: I want to feel both safe and free in my future relationships. I want to experience raw and genuine human connection with others, where I can be honest not only about my other relationships but about myself and not be afraid of any judgment. I want my future relationships to flow naturally, as in begin and end with the flow of what we feel, instead of forcing anything.

Poly Pocket: Gray Ace, Bi & Poly

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Linh is a 22-year-old Vietnamese-American women who is bisexual, gray ace, and poly, and lives in the Bay Area. She is in one long-term committed relationship and is casually dating around with the hopes of finding other long-term partners, and works as a full-time content creator for a tech startup by day, writer of fiction and personal essays by night.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When did you start to explore polyamory?

Linh: The first time I started exploring polyamory was when I was technically someone’s secondary partner. It was really strange because I went from being a serial monogamist to becoming someone’s secondary partner. It was such a drastic change and it really hurt my self-esteem I think. I don’t think I was emotionally ready to be in that position, and my partner lived really far away and didn’t deserve to deal with my jealousies and issues, so I decided to end that relationship.

It’s not all sad, though. That relationship sparked some discussion of polyamory in my current relationship. I realized that polyamory was perfect for me, but only when I felt ready for it (which I did and do with my current partner).

Carolyn: What was that initial discussion in your current relationship like? Was there a catalyst for it?

Linh: I had started hanging out with my current boyfriend near the end of that initial relationship so he knew that my ex-partner was polyamorous. That kicked off the conversation because he had never heard of polyamory before. We were also talking about our sexualities and he basically wondered if I felt stifled never having had long-term relationships with women (or much experience, really, outside of my first poly relationship). We loved each other, but he didn’t want me to feel like I couldn’t date and fall in love with women just because I was with him. It was a really open, honest, and vulnerable conversation and I was scared because I hear about how bisexual women are stigmatized and objectified, but my boyfriend never made me feel like that. I’m glad I’m exploring polyamory with him!

Carolyn: That’s such a great reaction! How long ago was that? How have things evolved since?

Linh: It’s been around a year now! We opened up our relationship summer of 2015 and it’s been great! Jealousy isn’t really an issue with the two of us so we’ll talk openly about dates and crushes and it’s totally fine. Once in a while I’ll go on a date that, after I tell him how it goes, he’ll tell me it made him uncomfortable and so we’ll talk about why and come up with rules from there. The way we go about evolving our poly relationship is really organic in that way.

As for how dating is going for me personally, it’s been tough to: (a) find queer women to date (though Tinder helps) and (b) find queer women who aren’t looking for a threesome buddy. I’ve met plenty of cool people, but haven’t really had a connection with most so I can’t say I’ve found another partner yet. Being gray ace and an introvert makes it tough for me to find people I click with romantically and sexually so it’s probably gonna take a while before I find another partner haha. It’s been fun, though!

Carolyn: What reasons might there be for developing a new rule? What sort of negotiations take place around them?

Linh: Well, mostly it’s from things that we can’t predict! For example, I went on a date with this woman once and it went pretty well. However, near the end I somehow suddenly ended up hanging out with both her boyfriend and her (I think I was walking her to her car, but then it turned out her boyfriend was there and was expecting to meet me). It made me feel weird because, to me, that’s like if you brought a close family member or your best friend on a first date — it’s just awkward. My boyfriend was uncomfortable because he felt like it wasn’t a date with me and one other person, but rather a date with a couple which is something we never thought to discuss before. From then on, we decided that going on dates with couples, intentionally or unintentionally, was a no-no.

Basically, if someone feels like something’s fishy or weird, then that person’s feelings have to be first priority and decisions are made accordingly. It’s been working out for us so far because we generally have the same vibes given the same situation.

“Basically, if someone feels like something’s fishy or weird, then that person’s feelings have to be first priority.”

Carolyn: How does your relationship shift in any other ways when you date or crush on someone new?

Linh: It involves a lot of playful teasing and advice-giving! We both get super flustered with new crushes (as most people do!) and I find it super cute to see him in that phase again, and I know he finds it charming when I’m all blushy and crushy too. It adds a new layer of excitement to our relationship. Similar to how your best friend would be super excited to hear you have a crush on the local Starbucks barista.

He has a lot more experience flirting with women than I do, so I always ask him for advice on, say, response texts or asking women out. He also comes to me when he wants a second pair of eyes at a flirty message, too.

Carolyn: I love that kind of compersion! What’s the best part? What sometimes feels like a struggle?

Linh: The best part isn’t even the dating, tbh. The best part is feeling open and honest with my best friend/lover! In a different relationship, I can imagine feeling this inner turmoil of never getting to explore my queer identity and further digging myself into this hole of feeling “not queer enough,” all because I’d primarily been in heteronormative relationships and am generally femme-presenting. Being poly with my boyfriend makes me feel like myself in a truly indescribable way.

The struggle is the dating lol.

Like I mentioned before, I’m gray ace and introverted so it takes a while for me to open up to people and it’s hard to even be attracted to people. I think I was a serial monogamist before because once I fall for someone, I fall hard — there’s really no in-between for me. It’s super rare, that’s all. Tinder’s great for helping me find queer girls to date, but it’s a terrible way for me to find someone I could be attracted to so it’s all been a real hit-or-miss for me.

And this is a cliche poly answer for a reason, but the other trouble is time. On top of spending time with my boyfriend, I have lots of side hobbies and family and friends I’d like to spend time with so spreading time between it all is already hard as it is. Sometimes it’s just not worth it to meet up with a stranger who I may or may not hit it off with.

Carolyn: Time management is such a real problem though! When I was first learning about poly I read a lot of things that distill to “infinite love, finite time,” and nothing about that has changed over the years. Do you have any boundaries with how you spend your time, or any ways of managing it across all types of relationships?

Linh: “Infinite love, finite time” describes it perfectly!

I wish I had a more concrete answer to your question, but I don’t think I’ve progressed far enough in my other poly relationships to know the boundaries that will have to be set. So far, all of our rules have been pretty organic so I imagine when the time comes, the boundaries set will come about organically as well.

Carolyn: Above you alluded to something you’ve spoken about a lot on Twitter: the intersection of your queer, Asian-American, femme and gray-ace identities. Where does poly intersect with these?

Linh: I think the idea that all of these identities exist in a single person is all at once radical and stereotypical. For a long time, I was afraid I was living out a stereotype. I was afraid I was a “greedy” bisexual, greedy in the sense that I’m poly. Asian/Asian-American women are sexualized and fetishized as is, so my “greedy bisexual” identity made me feel like I was a “bad queer,” someone who took away from the community more than I could ever possibly give to it. I felt like my identity was false, even though I knew it was my truth.

It took me a while to see my identity as not a stereotypical one, but a radical one. It’s one thing to think bisexuals are “greedy” and that Asian-American women are sex objects. But it’s another to accept that a bisexual, poly, Asian-American woman exists and is in full control of her own sexual and ethnic identity. Being queer, Asian-American, femme, and gray ace — this is my identity and I get to choose that that means to me. Not anybody else. My identity isn’t any less of a queer identity because somebody out there decided to take it and twist it into something else. My identity, and all of its intersections, is just one of the many beautiful identities that exists. And they are all just as valid as any other.

“I felt like my identity was false, even though I knew it was my truth. It took me a while to see my identity as not a stereotypical one, but a radical one.”

I’d like to touch on being gray ace and poly for a second. When people think of polyamory, they usually imagine a huge orgy or someone who’s having sex with a lot of people. In my case, that’s not what’s happening at all (power to the people living their lives like this, though! It’s just not for me). I just know in my heart that I am capable and willing to love more than one person — sex or no sex. I’ve already felt this love for some of my friends while I was in perfectly happy relationships before. I thought it was platonic love before, but looking back now, I’m confident that it was romantic love. None of it escalated to sex, but I was happy regardless with our relationship. Not all poly people are in it for the sex. When I say I am capable of loving more than one person, I really do mean it. Just love would be enough for me.

Carolyn: That is really beautiful! …That is geeky but it’s also true. What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working toward or hoping for?

Linh: Ideally I’d be in a triad with my boyfriend and another woman and we’d be a happy little family! It’d be cool if we were all in love with each other, but if my boyfriend and partner were just good friends I’d be perfectly happy with that too ☺️

Poly Pocket: Building Intentional Community and Relationship Anarchy

When there aren’t any models for how you want to move through the world, it’s harder to move through the world. There’s no one right way to do ethical non-monogamy, just as there’s no one right way to do ethical monogamy, and no way is better or worse than any other, just better or worse for those involved. Poly Pocket looks at all the ways queer people do polyamory: what it looks like, how we think about it, how it functions (or doesn’t), how it feels, because when you don’t have models you have to create your own.

Josie Kearns is a 33-year-old queer, polyamorous, white, trans woman living in Chicago. She has been married for 12 years and also has a long-term girlfriend. She just left her job as a production manager for a local theatre for a hiatus, which she’s spending mostly with her two kids (ages seven and one). She also lives in an intentional community and helps organize Chicago’s poly scene.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Carolyn: When and how did you start to explore polyamory?

Josie: I started exploring it about five years ago. My wife and I had been married monogamously for seven years prior to that, and after we read Sex at Dawn, a book on non-monogamy, together and decided it fit us. A friend recommended it, and we brought it on a trip not even really knowing what it was. Then we started reading it and were like, “oh shit…” We ended up trading off the book the whole vacation, and on the plane ride home made the decision to give it a shot.

It was boring at first. We spent six months or so not doing anything but talking about it. Doing more reading, etc. Then I got on OKCupid and the first person I messaged blew up into a crazy intense relationship overnight. That made it harder. ☺

Carolyn: What is your relationship situation now?

Josie: My wife and I are still together, in a relationship that’s evolved into something that’s mostly platonic (though still really awesome). I also have a serious girlfriend, we’ve been together nearly two years, and a third person who lives far away but we keep in touch and flirt and get together when we can. My wife also has a boyfriend who lives with us and helps raise our kids, so even though we aren’t partners he’s really part of my relationship situation too.

“I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.'”

Even though I dislike the pretentiousness of the label, I identify pretty strongly now with the idea of relationship anarchy. To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, “I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,” than to say, “I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.”

Carolyn: What do you find most exciting about that approach? What’s about it is a struggle?

Josie: For me the most exciting part of it is that freedom. I probably romanticize it, but I feel a deep connection with someone when we are both in essence saying to each other, “hey, we’re defining exactly what we want this relationship to look like, and we’re both choosing every part of it of our own free will.”

I think the biggest struggle is that anarchy is a scary word. If a partner is feeling insecure it’s easy for them to say, “well you believe in relationship anarchy, that means you’re just going to do whatever the hell you want regardless of how it affects me.” I don’t view it that way at all, and I dislike the term for that reason. But I’ve had that conversation a couple of times.

Carolyn: Do any of your other partners or metamours practice different styles of poly? What’s it like negotiating between them?

Josie: I think we all have our own views on it. Most of my polycule doesn’t identify with the anarchy term, and there can be hurt feelings stemming from the differences in how we view things. But at the end of the day all of our styles are so much more similar than different, it’s not something that has a big impact on our relationships. If someone gets into a relationship with me they do so knowing that I will never give them the right to control me, and I might do so knowing that they may have another partner who does have that kind of control. It’s still a choice we both make to be together.

Carolyn: Tell me about your polycule! What relationships are there between metamours? How did it develop? What drew you to that more family-style poly network instead of a looser arrangement?

Josie: The family-style network is the main reason I was interested in polyamory to begin with. I love, love, love the concept of having a big intimate chosen family. I live in an intentional community for the same reason.

I don’t know how the family aspect will end up looking long term. At the moment my main group is a big string of people — to one side my wife and her boyfriend, to the other my girlfriend, her husband, and his long-term girlfriend. Most of us have some less serious relationships too, but those are the biggies. And on that string I’d say everyone is super close with their immediate metamours — the ones two steps away on the chain — but as you get farther away on the chain the bonds are less tight. The two extreme ends of the chain haven’t even met each other, I don’t think. So as a group we aren’t really a family at this point.

The intentional community came from my wife and me as well — we both were really drawn to the idea and bought a big house a couple of years ago. It came with five bedrooms and we built three more, so now there are eleven people living here altogether. Not everyone is poly, or queer, or genderqueer, but we have a lot of all three of those categories, and everyone is super sex positive. It’s a pretty fun group.

Carolyn: That sounds incredible! But also potentially challenging. When issues come up, how do you handle them?

Josie: It’s a LOT of talking. But for us it’s worth it.

Carolyn: Above, you mention you and your wife have children together and your wife’s boyfriend lives with you and helps raise them. What’s it like practicing polyamory and having children? (And it sounds so normie to ask “what do the kids think” but I’m also genuinely curious, what do they think? I’m imagining one extra person and then the rest of the intentional community to maybe get attention from but also in trouble with.)

Josie: Ha, yeah. The kids are seven and one, so the older one is just starting to register that our family doesn’t look like everyone else’s. But he still views adults by their relationships to him more than each other. So he basically has three parents and then some really close adult friends. Last year he didn’t want to invite any other kids to his birthday party, he just wanted the adults.

But overall we don’t hide anything from them, and we don’t go out of our way to explain it either. We just act like it’s normal, because for us it is, and then if he asks questions we’ll answer them.

Carolyn: How do your relationships or family shift when you date/sleep with/build a relationship with someone new?

Josie: The shift just sort of happens naturally. If one of us starts casually dating or sleeping with someone new, it doesn’t affect the family any more than it would if one of us started hanging out with a new friend. The existence of sex in the dynamic is pretty irrelevant to anyone who’s not actively participating in it.

If one of us starts building a new relationship, then the person would gradually start being around more and getting to know everyone more. When my girlfriend and I started dating, we spent a lot of time alone, but then she’d come hang out with me and my wife, or my roomies, or my kids. Now she has stuff in our bathroom, my kids get excited when she visits, and when she walks into the kitchen for coffee in the morning the roomies all ask her about her husband and her dogs and her job. It feels pretty boring and normal, to be honest.

“I think people get ideas in their heads that we have raucous sex parties, or elaborate drama, or something. Most of the time our days look just like anyone else’s — get the kids to school, get to work, whose turn is it to make dinner. There are just more people involved.”

Carolyn: That also sort of sounds like the dream though!

Josie: Oh it’s incredible! There’s so much love.

I think people get ideas in their heads that we have raucous sex parties, or elaborate drama, or something. Most of the time our days look just like anyone else’s — get the kids to school, get to work, whose turn is it to make dinner. There are just more people involved.

It’s more complicated in some ways, but in others it’s quite a bit simpler. It’s a lot easier for my wife and me than it is for most couples with small kids to get out on a date night.

Carolyn: How does polyamory function within your understanding of yourself?

Josie: I used to be really closed off to who I was. This, to me, is about honesty. I’m someone who wants lots of people around, who wants to be intimate with lots of people, who wants a huge family and sexual exploration.

When I was monogamous I had walls up — I’d hang out with someone but there were things I couldn’t do, couldn’t say, couldn’t think. There were rules. Now, if I want to kiss them, I do! Or whatever. It’s much more honest. And from that honesty comes intimacy, and from there, community.

It’s also freed me up to be a lot more honest about other aspects of my identity too. The whole experience has been incredibly liberating.

Carolyn: What do you want your future to look like? What vision are you working towards or hoping for?

Josie: I’m not sure! There are lots of different scenarios I could picture living in and being completely happy. Most of them, though, revolve around this idea of family. Having a tight network of life partners and their life partners, living our lives together. Maybe it’s in this house, maybe a bunch of us move to a farm together, maybe we still have little groups that keep separate lives long term but come together in specific ways. I don’t know. It’s less about a specific vision than it is a feeling. Sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner, somewhere, someday, and having this loving, intimate family with us. That’s the kind of stuff I think about.