Family Equality Council Honors Glee, Mayor Annise Parker and More at Awards Dinner

Photos via Getty Images 

The Family Equality Council held its 11th annual awards dinner this past Saturday at the Beverly Hilton in LA. The Family Equality Council are the people who you don’t see on TV, but are listed on every amicus brief dealing with the rights of LGBTQ families. They connect families who are struggling with adoption, marriage or health rights so that they have a support network. Additionally, they do LGBTQ family advocacy work on local, state and federal levels all over the country. Each year they honor people, companies and groups who have done successful work that moves the LGBTQ rights movement forward.

Aja, aka Fit for a Femme, and I

This year the LA Awards kicked off with a musical set by the always fabulous Sandra Bernhard that led right into an equally amazing stand up set. Sandra was the sequined-covered, and almost politically incorrect, host for a night of disco and graham crackers.

The night’s honorees included Honey Maid, who not only made a national commercial featuring a family with two dads, but responded to the criticism with another commercial about love. The couple featured in the commercial even stopped by to tell the story and present the award to Honey Maid representatives Lauren Jacobsen and Jonathan Mekeel.

Also honored were Modern Family and Glee. Both shows were honored for moving the social acceptance of LGBTQ people forward by writing interesting characters that have relatable experiences. Modern Family‘s co-creator Steve Levitan and producer Jeffrey Richman were on hand to crack jokes about being single gay men standing up for the rights of LGBTQ people to have families, and about how the award bowls look like vaginas. It was a funny, silly and really supportive set of acceptance speeches that left the crowd in stiches. Ryan Murphy was on hand to accept on behalf of Glee and spoke about executives in the early days of his career that sent him notes asking him to tone down the gay characters he had created. He followed that up by saying, “And I’m happy to say that the executives who gave me those notes are no longer employed.” He proceeded to thank “a new breed” of executives like Dana Walden and Joe Earley for encouraging the creation and inclusion of LGBTQ characters.

Houston Mayor Annise Parker

Rounding out the honoree pool was Houston Mayor Annise Parker. She has worked on everything from getting curbside recycling at every Houston home, to getting a LGBT non-discrimination ordinance passed, all while raising three kids with her wife Kathy Hubbard. In her third term as mayor, she is continuing her work in the communities under her purview as well as doing work on the national stage to ensure the rights of all families. She is the only person in the history of Houston to be a controller, council member and mayor. Videos from her partner and children gave the entire audience reasons to smile.

The night also included several show stopping performances by disco star Maxine Nightingale, Cheyenne Jackson (seriously, his cover of “A Change Is Gonna Come” is a revelation) and of course, the cast of Glee. Alex Newell blew the roof off of the Beverly Hilton and was joined by Becca Tobin, Chord Overstreet, Jenna Ushkowitz, Darren Criss, Harry Shum and Lea Michele. They covered Destiny’s Child as well as a bitter sweet rendition of Glee‘s signature “Don’t Stop Believing.” I think the whole crowd got a bit misty eyed when Chord sang what was originally Corey Monteith‘s verse.

Glee cast at the event

Spotted in the crowd getting down were Patti Lupone, Lance Bass, Lisa Vanderpump, Wilson Cruz, Alec Mapa and JJ Toah aka Myron on Glee (FYI, he is a perfect angel baby who loves Gaga and totally sang Miley Cyrus with me).

All in all the Family Equality Council threw a fabulous shindig that honored the different ways in which people are fighting for LGBTQ equality. Plus, they had an excellent dessert selection.

A Gay Girl’s Guide To Fall 2013 Television

It’s been a delightful summer for fans of girl-on-girl television: we had returning lezzers on Pretty Little Liars and True Blood, brand-new lezzers on The Fosters, a lesbian clone on Orphan Black, a gay extravaganza on Orange is the New Black and bit parts for queer characters on The Killing, Ray Donovan and Mistresses. Unfortunately, the fall television landscape pales in comparison when it comes to lady-lovers.

We’ve got a lot of lady-fronted projects, though, although whether or not they’ll be any good remains to be seen.

Fall 2013 Television: Here’s What’s Going On

Sundays

The Good Wife

CBS, 9:00 PM
Premieres September 29th

It’s The Good Wife’s fifth season, and everybody’s wondering what’ll happen next for Alicia and Cary’s plan to ditch Lockhart/Gardner and start their own firm. Others are wondering what’ll happen next for Kalinda w/r/t making out with girls — and there’s good news on that front! Juliet Rylance is joining the Season Five cast as Kalinda’s new love interest Holly, “a whip-smart Assistant State’s Attorney who shares a past with Kalinda.” Also of interest to women who love bossy women: Stockard Channing will reprise her role as Alicia’s Mom.

http://youtu.be/jo_UZh-YPU0

NEW! The Masters of Sex

Showtime, 10:00 PM
premieres September 29th

It’s the story of a lovely lady who was associated with a very lovely man, and the two of them decided to start doing human sexuality research, and that’s how they became The Masters of Sex! Based on the true story of sex research pioneers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, this show stars Lizzy Caplan as Virginia, “a club singer-turned-orgasm-expert.” History! Sex! Women’s sexuality! Feminism!

http://youtu.be/JqwahKjI2bg

Our Verdict: Lizzy Caplan, women’s history, and sex research? We’re in.

NEW! The Witches of East End

Lifetime, Sundays, 10 PM
premieres October 6th

Based on the books by Melissa de la Cruz (I assumed it was based on The Witches of Eastwick, but I guess I’m behind the times), The Washington Post gives this lady-laden program a “C,” describing it as “it’s almost as if “True Blood” tried to conceive a demon baby with “Bunheads.” Seems about right.

Our Verdict: Will almost definitely be terrible.

Mondays

NEW! Mom

CBS, 9:30 PM
premieres September 23

We’re supposed to be really pumped about this show, because it stars Anna Faris, and Anna Faris is a lady. It also features Alison Janey, and we all love Alison Janey. But every time that laugh track elbows its way into my earspace, I ask myself, “is this show really for me? Or is it for people who aren’t total bitches and therefore can tolerate laugh tracks?”

The premise is that Anna Faris’s character, Christy, is a newly-sober single mom of two, and her mother (played by Janey) is a recovering alcoholic, and Christy is dating her boss at the restaurant where she waits tables. Also her teenage daughter is rebellious. The New York Times admits that Mom is both “wittier and sweeter” than the new FOX show Dads (a Seth McFarlane production that follows two Dads who move in with their sons) as well as “genuinely provocative.” Why is this show so much better than Dads? “Moms behaving badly aren’t a new thing, but on a prime time show, it still feels a little transgressive. Men who act like boys, on the other hand, are so familiar that they’re almost retro.” There you have it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlVG3EY35os

Our Verdict: This really could go either way.

NEW! Hostages

CBS, 10:00 PM
premieres September 30

This show seems expensive. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and billed as a “high-octane suspense drama,” it’s on my radar ’cause Toni Collette is involved, playing a “premiere surgeon thrust into a chilling political conspiracy when her family is taken hostage by rogue FBI Agent Duncan Carlisle.” The L.A. Times marks the show as CBS’s bid to do drama like cable does drama, with “dark, character-driven entertainment,” quoting executive producer, writer and director Jeffrey Nachmanoff describing the show as “Downton Abbey meets 24.”

http://youtu.be/3zMy9Xd6txg

Our Verdict: Expect a carefully constructed television program that will grab you whether you want it to or not. Much like a hostage-taker! Hahahahaha.

Tuesdays

NEW! Lucky 7

ABC, 10:00 PM
premieres September 24th

Seven co-workers at a Queens gas station play the lottery every week and then one day they win and then their lives turn upside-down! If you’ve been missing sweet sweet Vera Burr from Bomb Girls, you’ll be excited to reunite with actress Anastasia Phillips in Lucky 7 — she plays single Mom Leanne Maxwell. The Washington Post says “it’s basically a caper disguised as a drama, and we could use a caper on prime-time TV.” Isiah Witlock Jr. from The Wire also stars.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKZifrUKXJk

Our Verdict: Initial reviews are relatively strong, and it could be a nice break from the procedurals and high-concept thrillers clogging up most major network’s hour-long drama slots.

Chicago Fire

NBC, 10:00 PM
Premieres September 24th

Chicago Fire, a fantastic program about, I assume, fires in Chicago, should be on your to-watch list because there’s a lesbian character named Leslie Shay. Yup. That’s all I got.

NEW! Ravenswood

ABC Family, 8:00 PM
premieres October 29th

Caleb, Hannah’s lesbian boyfriend from Pretty Little Liars, heads up the ensemble of this new PLL spin-off, which revolves around “the curse that plagues the town of Ravenswood.” If it’s anything like Rosewood, I imagine that curse is that the victims of said curse learn absolutely nothing from their mistakes and also never go to class.  Also starring is tall drink of water Britne Oldford, who you may recognize from the failed US edition of Skins or the second season of American Horror Story.

Our Verdict: Will probably be more of the same, but we’ll give it a chance.

NEW! Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

ABC, 8:00 PM
premieres September 24th

“Leave it to Joss Whedon to co-create a smarter superhero drama, one that geeks out over conventions as often as it skewers them,” says Entertainment Weekly. “Look it’s Ming-Na Wen in tight black leather!”, says us. No but seriously, this Avengers spin-off is definitely one of the fall’s most eagerly-anticipated offerings.

Our Verdict: Watch it.

The Mindy Project

Fox, 9:30 PM
Premieres September 17th

alternative lifestyle haircut courtesy of phresh cutz

Season Two of this honestly quite funny little program returns with cast members Anders Holm, Chris Messina and Chloe Sevigny joining guest stars James Franco and um, Kris Humphries? Glenn Howerton of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia will be joining the cast as Mindy’s new love interest.

Next: Thursday night’s jam-packed with goodies (and Glee), Rebel Wilson makes her American prime-time debut and American Horror Story has a lot in store for Season Three.

Teen Choice Awards Liveblog And Open Thread

It’s just about the end of the summer and you know what that means! It’s time to give brightly colored surf boards out to celebrities as voted on by teenagers with access to a computer! It’s time for the Teen Choice Awards!

There are something like 86 different awards voted on and probably only like 10 will actually be announced tonight. So why am I watching? Because I absolutely love Pretty Little Liars’ Lucy Hale (aka Aria Montgomery) and Glee’s Darren Criss (aka Gay Blaine).

Just look at these muppets!
(Via Lucy Hale’s Instagram)

In addition to Ellen Degeneres’s usual Choice Comedian nomination, tons of shows with gay characters are nominated this year including Pretty Little Liars, The Fosters, Glee, Modern Family, New Girl, The Voice, Under the Dome, Teen Wolf and probably a bunch more I forgot about. Also TV Lesbian Shay Mitchell and Alternative Life Style Haircut Recipient Miley Cyrus will be presenting!

In other words, for the third year in a row, I’m covering the Teen Choice Awards because everyone on staff knew I’d be watching them anyways.

Join me at 8pm EST to see all the magic happen!

8pm EST: I guess this show is starting off with some One Direction? I don’t know anything about these guys and, oh yeah, also I don’t care about them at all. Except I hate that “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” song. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They are like five Justin Biebers.

8:05pm EST: Lucy Hale’s dress is so cute! And I love her shoes! Darren Criss’s outfit is moderately boring. I think he could use some fashion tips from some cute dapper lesbians.

Now as you might remember, there are a billion awards. So when people win multiple awards the host/announcer just awkwardly lists them. Speaking of which….

One Direction Wins a Ton of Choice Music Awards

I’m not even going to list them. It sounded like basically every award they were nominated for.

8:08pm EST: Wait. One Direction is British?

8:10pm EST: Did anyone else hear how oddly Darren Criss just said “Liam?”

Rebel Wilson wins for Choice Comedy Actress for Pitch Perfect

Rebel Wilson wins the day. (Via just jared)

I fucking loved Pitch Perfect. And I love Rebel Wilson. No one can take that away from me. I think they just censored her saying something awesome. At least she’s wearing that awesome wetsuit.

Skyler Astin wins for Choice Comedy Actor for Pitch Perfect

Meh. He was fine in the movie. He was no Rebel Wilson that’s for sure. I heard he was also in Spring Awakening though. I feel that.

8:15pm EST: Okay, this is what’s so hard about the Teen Choice Awards. The awards come so fast and potentially in no particular order except who is on stage at that moment.

Whoever is around.

 Pitch Perfect wins for Choice Comedy Movie.

Anna Camp accepts the award on behalf of the whole cast. She is dressed like a figure skater.

8:20pm EST: I’m thoroughly enjoying The Gleeks versus the Pretty Little Liars Fans. Obviously I’m on team Pretty Little Liars because I’m all Paily all the time. Side note: this is getting awkward and obviously wasn’t properly rehearsed.

Darren Criss: What’s your favorite Pretty Little Liars episode?
Jane Lynch: I’ve never heard of that show.

8:25pm EST: Yay! It’s that guy from Superbad and Chloë Grace Moretz announcing the Choice Break Up Song! It’s Tay Swift and Rihanna and Selena Gomez with a song that’s… not about breaking up? So who of course wins?

Selena Gomez wins Choice Break Up Song for “Come and Get It”

+Alright, drink every time Lucy Hale says “We teens” despite the fact that she’s 24!

+Drink every time someone tells you to take a pledge to not text and drive.

8:30pm EST: A Disney Channel Girl and The Kid From Teen Wolf announce Choice TV Drama! I hope Pretty Little Liars wins because even though I love Gossip Girl it ended like last fall. It would be cool if Switched At Birth won too.

Woooo! Pretty Little Liars Wins for Choice TV Drama, Summer TV Show and basically every award any of the actors were nominated for

Is it fucked up that I find Pretty Little Liars’ wins deeply validating of my lifestyle?

Shay can validate me any day (via Just jared.com)

Butterflies are so gay. (via Just jared.com)

I hope Ashley Benson got this dress at a discount because it’s coming apart in the middle. (via Just jared.com)

Fuck. Allison is alive. (via Just jared.com)

I’m sweating. (via Just jared.com)

8:35pm EST: I’ve been hearing this “Cruise” song all summer long but I had no idea it was by these Florida Georgia Line guys. I just figured it was Train or something. They’re still making music right?

Do you think five years ago Nelly thought that at almost 40 he would be doing this with his career? Playing the Teen Choice Awards with two pseudo-country singers?

8:40pm EST: I’m not entirely sure why Lucy Hale is wearing a referee jersey but I’m pretty sure that’s a new lingerie look I’m going to add to my personal collection.

I guess the blonde dude presenting is Cody Simpson. My roommate says he’s like the Justin Bieber of Australia.

Gabby Douglas Wins Choice Female Athelete

While I would have preferred Brittney Griner or Megan Rapinoe be nominated/win, look how fucking cute Gabby Douglas is! I love her cute yellow dress! I hope she’ll be at the 2016 Olympics. Unless since she’s 17 now she’ll be too old/tall by then.

8:45pm EST: The Acuvue Inspire Award being simultaneously presented by Demi Lovato and Fifth Harmony just feels like a huge ad for X Factor sponsored by Acuvue. They award it to Nick Jonas for having Type I Diabetes. No, seriously. That’s basically what they just said.

I guess this is Fifth Harmony
(Via @foxtv)

Nick Jonas looks so effing old.

8:50pm EST: Even though it’s gone seriously downhill and Ryan Murphy doesn’t care about us….

Glee wins for Choice TV Comedy

Via Naya-Rivera.com

And every single person in the entire cast shows up to accept the award. I guess also to speak publicly about Corey Monteith’s death. Important points of interest:

+Why do they let Artie speak ever?!
+How fresh are Alex Newell’s heels.
+Can I please have a picture of Naya Rivera wearing that outfit poster size for my bedroom? Thanks.

Hawt.

+Everyone in the cast looks pretty upset about Cory’s death. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be. It’s insane that they went right back to filming and that they’re writing his death into the show.

 Lea Michele Swings Back for for Choice TV Comedy Actress

Via @foxTV

I can’t even handle Lea Michele tears right now. I think I’m actually also about to cry too. But it’s also sort weird that they took this moment as a tribute to him. It feels sad and overly constructed at the same time.

8:55pm EST: I am loving Lucy Hale’s hot pink dress costume change.

How did Abigail Breslin get so old? Time huh? it just keeps moving! Also I think that Hailee Steinfeld is dressed as cartoon TNT.

Boom! Dynamite

Logan Lerman wins for Choice Movie Actor in Perks of Being a Wallflower
(beating out Hugh Jackman)

It always cracks me up that only at the Teen Choice Awards do Academy Award nominees/Golden Globe winners get undercut by cute guys in their twenties.

9:00pm EST: I wish that Demi Lovato was singing her “Heart Attack” song. I like that one.

I hope that her hair is indicative of current hair styles, because in a few weeks I’m going to have like an inch of jet black roots too and I would love to call that a fashion statement.

Demi Lovato wins for Choice Female Music Artist

I’m pretty impressed that Demi Lovato just beat Taylor Swift. Perhaps the reign of T. Swift is finally over.

9:10pm EST: I’m pretty uncomfortable with the amount of time spent discussing twerking during this show. I guess there’s going to be a lot of twerking at the end of the show? I’m guessing lead by Miley Cyrus.

Ah yes. It is not time to announce the Ultimate Choice Award. Hilariously enough I’ve actually watched the TCAs enough times to know what this is. It’s like the TCA’s lifetime achievement award. I really liked watching it go to Twiight last year. On the other hand, listening to this dude talk about how he loves his bro Ashton Kutcher is totally boring. I’m just so bored of Ashton Kutcher.

It’s also basically just a big long ad for Kutcher’s new Steve Jobs biopic.

9:20pm EST How did I not know that Ashton Kutcher’s first name is actually Chris? But still, Ashton — I’m speaking directly to you — you know you’re old when you’re lecturing teenagers about hard work and how being smart is sexy. Again. A big long ad for Kutcher’s new Steve Jobs biopic.

9:21pm EST No but seriously guys I’m not done yet. There’s nothing worse that listening to someone speak who you know thinks they’re going to be quoted in the morning. Actually there is something worse: someone who thinks they’re going to be quoted in the morning and also thinks they’re an inspiration.

9:26pm EST Wow! Co-presenters I actually like! I’m pretty pleased someone thought to refer to Ian Somerhalder as The Smolder Holder. That’s just good copy. More importantly I want to hate Kerry Washington’s dress but I just like it so much. It’s so fun. Also she could probably wear a paper bag and look good and be talented and perfect. So.

Co-Presenters I actually like.

9:30pm EST:

+Drink every time someone says “your votes matter”

I’m pretty impressed that the TV Choice Actor category has  two gay characters and one gay actor as nominees. And the gay actor wins!

Jim Parsons wins for Choice TV Comedy Actor

Yes! I fucking love Big Bang Theory. And I fucking love Jim Parsons.

9:35pm EST: I really like Paramore but I’m still surprised they’ve won so many Teen Choice Awards. I guess I didn’t realize the kids were so into The Rock Music these days. I can never get over what a stone cold fox Hayley Williams is. If possible I’d like to grow up to be her. Or just get her cute new alternative lifestyle haircut.

I’m also very into this punk ballerina dancers.

Miley Cyrus backstage biting a mini-surfboard. I die.

Hawt

9:40pm EST: Holy shit Maia Mitchell aka Callie on The Fosters is Australian?! How did I miss this?!

Miley Cyrus wins Choice Summer Song for “We Can’t Stop”

Is this the part where Miley Cyrus finally comes out of the closet?

9:43pm EST: Still waiting for Miley to come out. Instead she just seems to be winning an award as a trend setter. Like for making the Alternative Lifestyle Haircut something for everyone.

9:45pm EST: Damn. I was really hoping she’d be like “Oh and by the way I’m bisexual y’all! Peace out!”

9:47pm EST: Oh what up Bruno Mars! Do you guys remember that time I inducted Bruno Mars into the lesbian haircut club?

Demi Lovato wins Choice Person Being a Person on Reality TV

9:50pm EST: I feel like when reality television stars win anything the person who does the footage editing should win the award.

9:55pm EST: According to Darren Criss and his motorcycle jacket it’s time for the last award of the night. And the last award? Given out by the cast of the new Percy Jackson movie. Even though the new Percy Jackson got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes I’m going to see it anyways because Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is my go-to hungover movie. 

9:57pm EST: I love that Sandra Bullock actually showed up to the TCAs. You just know it means that she had a niece or nephew who really wanted to come and see One Direction.

10:00pm EST: In conclusion, no one in this audience knows how to twerk and I think Darren Criss is dressed as a Pikachu. This has been the Teen Choice Awards.

Modern Family, New Girl, and Happy Endings Set Televisionary on Fire

Modern Family

by Lizz

Modern Family had one of those episodes where there wasn’t really any plot line but just an excuse to get the whole family in once place. Conveniently (or not) a neighbor’s house burned down and so everyone gathered at the Dunphy’s for some good old fashioned moving boxes from one room to the next.

So yeah, no real plot, but here are something things we learned:

Claire and I shop at the same stores.

Mitchell has mommy issues, Claire has daddy issues.

LOOK HOW MUSCULAR HER ARM IS. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Claire: Daddy can I have a sip of your beer?… Oh my G-d, Mitchell cozies up to Mom, I go running to Daddy. I’m the one who’s turning Gloria into Mom which is really disturbing since we’re the same age.
Jay: You’re older.

Phil gives a mean massage.

I WOULD PREFER NOT TO SAY

Cam really can’t drive a truck.

THIS IS WHY WE'RE THE TRUCK DRIVERS

Also he sleep-clowns.

WHO RUNS THE WORLD? CLOWNS.

Alex has a secret gang of nerdy followers. (Take that Haley.)

THEY LEARNED THIS FROM WATCHING BIG BANG THEORY

Plus, kids these days know lots of gays.

Cam:I’m teaching you girls a very valuable lesson. That gay men can do everything straight men can do.
Haley: Yeah, we know that. Do you think you’re the only gay guy that we know?

New Girl

“Thanksgiving”
by Brittani

This week during the Thanksgiving episode, aptly named “Thanksgiving,” the cheesiest couple since Holly and Michael was created. Justin Long plays Paul, a teacher from Jess’s school and her current love interest. I’m not sure why but Justin Long has always seemed like a poor man’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt to me. Long is like the Solange to G-L’s Beyonce. And not even good Solange. I’m talking Bring It On: All or Nothing, Solange.

Schmidt: Don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the most sexy holidays?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are 4th of July, uh, Independence Day obviously, Women’s History Month, and Christmas.

Best Buy’s Black Friday was all over this episode. Product placement is in the building y’all. Maybe someone could give us some money to do that in recaps? I think we could come up with something funnier than the ripped off Liz Feldman joke they used in this episode to bring it up.

Jess knows nothing about cooking and convinces culinary master and tarragon lover Schmidt into helping by dangling Cece as bait. Jess’s methods include cuddling the turkey then throwing it in the dryer. I don’t think I’d want any part of that meal if they deem these acts acceptable.

Nick is upset because even though he doesn’t realize it yet, he likes Jess. Despite Paul being the male version of his adorkable roommate, he can’t stand the guy. It’s only mildly annoying when she does it because of boobs and such. Jess confronts him about being an ass.

Jess: I’m Nick Miller. I’m so cool I make my cool face.

Then she goes into detail about all the things she wants to do with Paul. A vast difference from the Jess that couldn’t say the word penis a few weeks ago. Has she changed that much in such a short period? No. But the show is still finding its footing and I’m more ok with this Jess than that one. I hope they figure out what to do with Winston soon. He’s SO BORING. He’s nice and they get off so easy by using him as a malaprop without truly involving him in the action.

Jess: And then the “What’s for Lunch.” And the “Gimme that Hat.”

Cece admits she likes Schmidt because of his inner rage that has been on full display in the kitchen. The question of how big of an ass is he arises again when he later apologizes and even offers his cardi to Cece when she gets cold. Of course she doesn’t like it when he’s nice because she, like all pretty girls on TV shows, is attracted to arses. Before they dine, Paul finds old Ms. Beverly in the bathroom. She’s dead. They don’t eat which I feel is ridiculous. No way I’m going to skip out on Thanksgiving just because they found a body. Priorities people.

Happy Endings

“Code War”
by Brittani

Riki Lindhome of Garfunkel and Oates guest starred as Max’s HS girlfriend, Angie. Max doesn’t want his friends to scare her off by being themselves. Once again we see how difficult and awkward they can be when interacting with those outside of their friend group.

Max: Alex, do not tell your theory about why the perfect murder weapon is a knife that absorbs blood.
Alex: But it is.

Angie and Dave have been flirting at the bar after running into each other on the street. Max doesn’t like it so he invokes The Guy Code. Or one of them. I bet there are a lot. I think I saw something about them in a Budweiser commercial. Dude Law was it? Anyway, Dave doesn’t abide and there’s full on war. No codes apply any more. None of them.

Jane finds out Brad has a work wife therefore she needs to find a work husband. When Jane gets called into HR for harassment because she doesn’t know how to flirt, she stumbles upon a possible work husband. Steven appreciates that she’s no stranger to the three hole punch. After sassing her real husband with the allure of her work husband, they decide they should combine their spousal forces and have drinks.

Brad: Yeah, that won’t be weird at all.
Jane: Right, like when your mom started tweeting. How not weird was that one tweet about menopause.
Brad: Shutting down the fallopes. Hashtag menopause.

Alex has a crush on Max after he kisses her to prove that the code should apply even though he’s gay.

Max: Why is she rubbing her baby hand on me?

Alex is in need of a little love after a booty call gone awry.

Alex: I thought maybe he wanted to have a late European dinner.
Penny: Look how he spelled “cum over.”
Alex: I thought it was the European spelling.

Turns out Max is so attached to his ex because she was his last straight relationship and he was truly hurt by their split. Even though he didn’t love her with his penis part, he loved her with everything else. Brad and Jane decide they’re better off without work spouses when Jane’s turns out to be a creepster. Dave and Max make up but not before we learn Dave cooks in his truck without clothes on from time to time. Alex and Dave were both funny this episode. The funniest they’ve ever been I think. And Dave listened to Indigo Girls again. He truly is a fan.

"You look like a Jonas uncle."

Penny: You look like Keri Russell after she ruined Felicity.

Did you spot Busy Philipps in the episode? All these cameos almost make me want to watch Cougar Town. Almost.

Televisionary: Modern Family, Happy Endings and New Girl

Is it just me or did it suddenly become okay to say penis and vagina on TV? I mean, they should have always been allowed since they’re just clinical terms, but between 2 Broke Girls, New Girl and Modern Family, there was a lot of, erm, talk.

Modern Family

by Lizz

As usual, there were tons of plotlines on Modern Family this week. Sometimes I swear it probably takes you longer to read my recap than to just watch the episode. A couple of the plotlines were really funny, like Cam trying to pick up a chick. Others, like Jay being all self-conscious about dancing, I just fast forwarded through the second time around.

But yes! You read correctly, Cam tried to pick up a girl. Apparently Cam believes that if he were straight he’s be the ultimate womanizer.

Mitchell: Or maybe you just stepped out of a machine called “the womanizer.”

Cam bets laundry for a month that he can get the phone number of any chick in the room. And he does.

YEAH, THIS LOOKS SUPER STRAIGHT

Cam: If she were a hot guy, I would never have been that smooth. It’s ironic, like, the gift of the vagi.

The girl, who’s played by the amazing Leslie Mann, is excited when Cam calls her, and Cam gets worried she’s become attached. So worried, in fact, that he doesn’t tell her he’s gay and instead invites her over. But, um, everyone knows where this is going, right? The girl knew he was gay the whole time and she just wanted a gay best friend to “dish with, give [her] guy advice, someone [she] can shop with.” Cam points out these are stereotypes but that, more importantly, Julia Roberts is super nice in person. It’s okay though, Leslie Mann still gives him a hot one on the lips to trick Mitchell.

"THAT WAS A LOT OF GIRL TONGUE. I THINK I NEED A DRINK-A-DOODLE-DO"

At the Dunphy’s, Phil tries to help Luke while Claire tries to help Haley. Alex Dunphy was obviously at all day cello/science camp. Phil wants desperately to make a tree house for-Luke-but-really-for-himself because he’s all full of feelings about not having close buddies around. He explains to Luke how when you grow up, it’s not easy to make friends anymore. You can’t just holler to your friends or run in to them on campus after a late night ultimate frisbee game. This is so true that I need to go cry for a minute.

HAVE A NICE TRIP! SEE YOU NEXT FALL!

Okay I’m back. Claire also does her best to help Haley who won’t stop complaining about her horrible god-awful terrible safe upper-middle class upbringing.

Everyone Has This Conversation While Writing College Essays

Haley: Hey Mom? I’m trying to write this stupid college essay question and I really don’t even know where to start

Claire: What is the qustion? Tell me.

Haley: What’s the biggest obsticle you’ve ever had to overcome…? Didn’t my third grade teacher say I had like ADD or something?

Claire: Oh, no honey. She said you couldn’t A-D-D and she put it that way because she also knew you couldn’t S-P-E-L-L.

Much like Phil, Claire explains to Haley how being safe and warm like a kitten dressed up as a bunny doesn’t last forever and that she should savor these years of normalcy with her family. Just kidding, she drops her off in the middle of nowhere.

IT TOOK ME TWELVE TRIES TO GET THIS SHOT. RECOGNIZE.

The end results at the Dunphy household is that Luke quits the treehouse, Haley writes about Claire being crazy and Phil makes a new friend, Andre, who may or may not ever appear in another episode. Phil, of course, points out that he’s black because it’s not like you can just have a black guy on a sitcom without explaining his existence.

"PLUS HE'S A BADDASS BLACK MAN THAT GIVES ME EXTRA STREET CRED. THAT'S HIS JOKE"

Oh man I almost Totally Accidentally forgot to tell you about the epicly boring Jay being self-conscious about dancing thing. Mitchell gives him “something that some people take at clubs to, you know, loosen up”and he hits the dance floor.

Mitchell: A gay man who hates dancing lives in a sad and lonely world

Y-M-C-A

The drug? baby aspirin. Trickery is my fave.

New Girl

“Naked”
by Brittani

Jess interrupts the guys watching a scary movie and ruins it. OH JESS. I don’t know. I think maybe that’s what they want us to do. Put our hands on our hips, tilt our heads to the side, and say, “Oh that Jess!” Always ruining everything by being a person.”

Nick has a date. His first since his no good awful break-up. They tell Nick to suck in his gut to get the girl which I think is silly. If she cared about his non-existent belly, she wouldn’t have agreed to go out with him in the first place, right?

Nick checks himself out in the mirror before breaking into dance. That’s how I get my self-esteem up too. I don’t know what it is you lose from in front of the mirror to out in the real world but it’s something crucial. Jess goes into the room to tell him to turn the music down but oh no! She is a TV person and doesn’t wait to be told to come in. She enters and sees the whole package, giggles, then retreats out of the room.

Winston can’t find a job. I refuse to discuss this further. Later, Amanda from the bar wants to get it on after her date with Nick but he is damaged goods and refuses to get undressed. I thought Lake Bell was really funny. Funnier than her name even.

Nick: President Obama?
Amanda: I like him to watch over me.

When Nick returns in the morning, Jess suggests maybe he’s not one for meaningless sex. He retorts that he is a man and thus must be. Unless men solely have sex with men (which they don’t), I think this means that women engage in this activity as well. But what do I know? Lesbians only cuddle.

Model CeCe pops in to give some advice. Jess should flash her vadge badge to even things out. As fate would have it, Nick brings Amanda to his room while Jess waits in the wings to reveal herself. When she realizes what’s happening, she hides behind the bed but Nick sees her as she tries to crawl out. He yells, she runs, the towel drops, she welcomes Amanda to their home.

Schmidt, seemingly out of nowhere, has a breakdown and admits he hates his life while running with Winston. In his attempt to cheer up his friend, he realizes how much of a sham his own life is. This is a thing that happens.

Schmidt: I suffer from exercise induced asthma.
Winston: Do you suffer from exercise induced crying?

Jess says penis a lot to prove she is mature. I know, right.

Are you glad New Girl is back?

Happy Endings

“Lying Around”
by Brittani

Dave unveils a new sandwich, The Steaktanic. He needs something to pull ahead of Dogs in Heat. Max wants to direct a commercial for him but Dave would rather go with a professional. That turns out awful so he lets Max have a go at it. Alex goes on a date with Liam, one of Penny’s extras. Turns out Liam is a romantic baller or a show off and he rents out the entire restaurant Millionaire Matchmaker Style for their first date. Penny becomes unhappy with her comfortable dating situation when she finds out what could have been hers.

Penny: We watched Con-Air with the director’s commentary. So here I am laughing and learning.

Brad is practicing parkour indoors when he’s reminded that Sarah, Jane’s sorority sister, is coming to town. Brad lies and says he has a work retreat in Michigan to avoid the duo. Sarah has to cancel last minute to host an intervention for her father. Left to enjoy the lush activities she had planned for them by her lonesome, Jane elects to carry on even after discovering Brad lied.

Jane: Picked up my knitting again. And you better believe that I don’t stick to the conventional stitches. Guess you can say I’m a knitter with attitude.

Max’s commercial was riveting but never mentioned Steak Me Home Tonight or even steak sandwiches. In fact, it probably helped the competition. Good thing there’s this website to bring in customers. Brad finds out he’s been double crossed and it leads to confrontation. The couple realizes maybe they need some time apart since they do everything together, including buying cheese. Penny and Alex switch dates again but Penny still isn’t happy. The grass is always greener on the other side or some such.

Fred Savage? Fred Savage! Fred Savage.

Televisionary Week 5: Happy Endings and Modern Family

Modern Family

by Lizz

What happens when you take your daughter college shopping to your alma mater? I’m not sure because I didn’t visit the University of Iowa. Good thing Modern Family has me covered for when I go visit Chicago Medical.

It starts like this:

G-A-Y-GAY!

and basically ends like this:

YEAH RIGHT, SURE YOU WERE DRINKING GINGER ALE

Oh I Know You!:

Haley : Dad I’m having a nice time!
Phil: With this clown? And by the way it’s a little cliche to pick someone who looks just like your dad. I got your number Pi CHi. I know you.
Haley : Yeah, you do. This is Ben Flord. He’s in my class, he’s visiting too.
Ben: You were my T-ball coach. My dad’s your doctor? He’s right over there.

Phew. Glad that was explained to me. The more you know!

So. With Phil and Haley looking at schools and Luke and Alex at sleepovers what does Claire do? Well, she doesn’t sit around her apartment watching sitcoms, eating miso and rice soup and marveling over the joys of boxed wine. No, she has a night out on the town with Gays! Guys, Gays! Gays!! There are actual real live Gays for her to party with! That’s right, to party with delicious chicken pot pie style!

SERIOUSLY. NO JOKE THE CHICKEN POT PIE IS TO DIE FOR.

I know what you’re thinking, this isn’t exactly the fun night out with Gays Gays Gays that Claire was looking for. So obviously she talks them into something with a little more pizzazz. Like a hot new boutique opening… because that’s a real thing? Well, what’s important is that the Gays are here to be catty and FABULOUS! Insert serious comment about the stereotyping of gay men as fashionista gal-pals.

GAYS!

So, because they’re actually just middle age working parents, Cam and Mitchell ride off in to the sunset (accidentally taking someone else’s Prius) leaving Claire with a spicy hot Gay Gay Gay man. Unfortunately, Cam/Mitchell/Claire had to learn the hard fact of life that many of us already know. Just because someone looks gay and acts gay and is hanging out with a bunch of gay people does not, as it turns out, make them gay. Bummer– straight dude’s trying to hit it.

HE'S JUST FRENCH

Also Manny bought a stretching kit to make him taller but since he hid it from his folks they thought he was jerking off. Ouch.

JUST HANGIN'

Happy Endings

“Secrets and Limos”
by Brittani

This week Jane decides to make vision boards when Penny misses out on a raise at work, Brad enlists the help of Max to impress his new boss, and Dave has a new girlfriend. Alex continues to carry on in the background and add hilarious lines intermittently.

Alex: I’m just picking up a normal amount of take out for a normal person and I didn’t eat half in the cab and half in my bed.

Brad’s new boss always has food on his face. It’s disgusting and distracting the entire episode. When Max drops Brad off at work in the limo, Mr. Forristal notices the limo as he is a classic car enthusiast. This opens the door for Max to cozy up to the boss.

When Penny’s board hasn’t produced results after an excruciating 22 hour wait, Jane tries to jumpstart the process since she might be the Universe. Penny realizes Jane is meddling with the natural order so she adds a few sections to her vision board.

The group convinces Dave to bring his new girl around. Turns out, they aren’t that welcoming to new girlfriends (or people outside of the group in general) and have been especially harsh to women Dave has introduced in the past. As luck would have it, Molly is the worst.

"My mom made one of these in her 'Divorced Over 50' group. I used to call it her desperation board."

Max finally does what Brad can’t manage and tells Mr. Forristal about his face situation. Instead of insulted, he’s relieved. He’s tired of all the ‘yes men’ around the office. When he needs his wife picked up from the airport Max is the one that gets a break.

Max: Yeah, no problem.
Forristal: No, no, no. I meant Brad.
Brad: Huh?
Forristal: Max just got his burrito.
Brad: Sure thing. I have a Master’s degree. Absolutely.

While Brad is gone, Max misreads a moment which gets him kicked out of the office. Not before he finds out the boss loves Brad though.

Penny confronts Jane about the vision board and Jane chills on being the Universe. We find out Penny blew off the hot bartender because she thought Jane was responsible for his advances.

Penny: I’m also visualizing a romantic old-fashioned gentleman. The kind of guy who will buy you flowers and dinner, and look at you during sex.

Penny reconnects with him but then decides not to see him again after he admits to also having a vision board.

Televisionary Week 4: Up All Night, Modern Family and Happy Endings

Modern Family, Happy Endings and Up All Night aired this week as normal. New Girl on the other hand did not air this week, nor will it air next week as, along with Glee as Fox’s schedule has been altered by the Major League Baseball Championships. On the upside, New Girl is casting the role of a lesbian OB/GYN. Yay?!

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Up All Night

by Lizz

As Up All Night progresses, Reagan and Chris are dealing with more and more realistic new parent conundrums. Unfortunately, while balancing work and family is a very real issue facing parents, it’s not exactly, erm, funny to watch play out. Maybe sometimes; but not here, not yet. This week Reagan and Chris started taking Amy (“the baby”) to play class where Michael Hitchcock (who you remember as the Deaf choir instructor on Glee) guest stars as a baby guru. That’s right– everyone’s peek-a-boos need some work.

PEEK-A-BOO MOTHERFUCKERS

At play group, a mean-mommy made Reagan feel like shit over being a working mom. Later they reconciled because all women on TV have to eventually become friends because of sisterhood and other soft gooey feelings stuff. Simultaneously, as usual, Ava had a meltdown over feeling abandon by Reagan. As much as I like Maya Rudolph, her character’s presence in the show feels wicked forced. The writers are doing their best to weave her in to the plot lines, but her funniest moments are her back and forth with Missy (her assistant) or clips of her talk show. Also, plot-hole: last episode Missy read some big complicated economics book and this week she can’t spell “speech.”

DOESN'T SHE LOOK LIKE MEREDITH GREY HERE?!

I sort of long to see Ava, Chris and Reagan all goofing around pre-baby. I wonder if perhaps Up All Night would have been better off taking out their main theme and basically just be a Friends/How I Met Your Mother type show. Also why isn’t Nick Cannon in every moment of every episode? He’s the best. I dunno, maybe this is all funnier if you have a child. So here’s the real question: does anyone care if I stop watching this show?

I AM LIZZ'S UP ALL NIGHT FEELINGS

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Modern Family

by Lizz

Yessssssssssssssssssssssssss! David Cross was back again last night as Duane Bailey the self adsorbed city council member! In fact, it looks like Duane Bailey will be around for a while, as this week Claire decided to run for town council!

IS THAT A LUMBAR YARD IN THE BACKGROUND?

Town Council Members Gotta Have Heart:

Claire : [Reading] Duane Baily. Councilman, citizen… puggle breeder?
Duane Bailey: I love them because they’re a different mix of breeds, just like America.

Puggles are pretty adorable, but as soon as Claire realizes that Duane Bailey is up for re-election and hadn’t put up a stop sign she puts her adorable feelings about puppies aside and, well, I already told you she decides to run for government. Phil takes this opportunity to prove he can run the household even though all of their kids are old enough to take care of themselves. The result is that Luke gets hit in the eye, Alex gets all loopy on cough syrup and Haley loses $900 to some guy claiming he would get her friends fake IDs. Well, technically that last one happened on Claire’s watch, it just all came out on Phil’s.

Mirroring Claire’s desire to be heard, Gloria feels left out as neither Jay nor Manny will ask her for help with their work (or, erm schoolwork).

"IT'S VERY FRUSTRATING! I HAVE ALL ANSWERS"

Jay is stuck working with the son of a former client who wants to be WOWED by the closets Jay’s company will build for a new condo complex. Obviously the kid is a tool, but more importantly, did we know before now that Jay’s company makes closets? Does he, like, own California Closets? This is hilarious news. Manny, too, is concerned with those kids today and their need to be all showbiz and no substance in their school reports.

Manny Makes a Good Point:

Gloria: Manny sometimes you can be a little old fashioned. Remember the first time you saw the kids with the backpacks with wheels and you thought they were too flashy?
Manny: You’re going to school not boarding a flight to Denver.

Mitchell and Cam are having a rough day too. After a case of Being In The Wrong Movie Theater (and Cam chastising a nearby parents who he thought brought his kids to a horror flick) the two are the victims of a hit-and-run. Cam tries to run after the driver which horrifies Mitchell who obviously doesn’t believe in justice or running. This may have just been another excuse to show Cam running with his arms out. That whole plotline was boring, but this was cute:

So: Cam and Mitch are in a fight about the hit-and-run, Claire is rethinking her run for town council and Jay has no idea what his client wants. Plus, remember, Haley’s out $900 and Luke can’t even help her because all of his assets are frozen (literally, he froze his money in ice). Luckily, all’s well that ends well. While the man-folk go chase down the guy who took Haley’s money (Mitchell actually tackling him) Gloria finally gets to help someone by convincing Claire to run for town council. After seeing how Gloria helped her, Claire reminds Jay to use Gloria as an asset. He does.

ASSSSSSSSSET

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Happy Endings

“Yesandwitch”
by Brittani

This week Penny’s mom came to visit. Penny’s mom, Dana, is played by Megan Mullally. This is a special occasion.

Penny, the number one seller on Sky Mall, has just debuted the new product that is doing wonders for her company. Turns out being able to spin anything into a positive helps push products. You may have heard this from your uncle, the used car salesman. I think that having a used car selling uncle should be a bigger thing than having a drunk uncle. Seems like it would have more perks.

You better neck yourself before you wreck yourself.

Penny: You’ll be thanking me come V-Neck Season.
Dave: Uh, V-Neck Season is year round.

After everyone other than Alex concludes the Necksercisor is actually a detriment to neck health, Penny reveals her mom is coming to visit! She’s booked a show in town as a touring cabaret singer. What she doesn’t reveal is that she’s recently split with her husband of 7 years. Chris is one of the cash for gold guys so he was quite the catch.

Penny: We’re like the Gilmore Girls but we came first so we’re better.

Max has continued his 80’s limo hustle and is now giving over-priced tours of Chicago with the help of Brad and Jane’s new couple improv skills. After making a killing their first day out, Max refuses to cut the “mixed-race couple from Omaha” a cut of the action. He attempts to replace them with Scotty who is the Debby Downer of improv and ruins the scheme.

A Chicago magazine releases a best of list that floods the gang’s favorite brunch spot sending Max into a tizzy. Noticeably missing from the best food trucks list is Steak Me Home Tonight. Dave, in an attempt to give his truck the ethnic flair it needs to stay hip, looks into his ancestry. Turns out, he’s 1/16th Navajo. He proceeds in dispensing nonsensical native wisdom the remainder of the episode.

Penny confronts her mom about getting a divorce, breaking her uber-positive ways. They sing argue their feelings. I wish this was how I communicated with everyone. Broken and dreamless, Dana rips all of the friends a new one then storms out. Penny, feeling like she ruined her mom’s spirit, can’t bring herself to fix her until the big boat show. Dana is the reason Penny has the outlook she does and she loves her for it. There’s nothing wrong with being overly optimistic except for being overly optimistic. They reconcile over a choreographed duet of “Torn.”

Penny: …and why when I was in the convenience store robbery I just kept thinking, “Hey. At least I’m on TV.” ‘Cuz I was. And I looked great.

Max brings his tour group to the performance. Dave brings his new American Indian friends. The crowd thinks she’s a star and Dana is loving every second of it. Max ushers Dana through the adoring crowd of ignorant tourists and oppressed peoples into the limo which will drop her off at her “private plane.” It’s like her dreams came pretend true.

What did you think of Megan Mullally’s guest appearance? Whose parents would you like to meet next?

Televisionary: New Girl, Happy Endings, Up All Night & Modern Family

Modern Family, Happy Endings, Up All Night and New Girl happened again this week. I guess they haven’t been abruptly canceled after three episodes.

New Girl, which has been picked up for a full season, is going to be bringing on Lizzy Caplan, who you have a crush on, for a multi-episode story arc. Up All Night has also been granted a full-season order.

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New Girl

by Brittani

This week on New Girl, the boys continue to tell Jess she’s weird and should change who she is. Do friends say that to each other? I thought that kind of degradation was reserved for significant others.

Schmidt: We’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.

When she has the teeth in, she reminds me of Miley Cyrus.

The roommates are at Steve and Bree’s Asian-Jewish wedding. Schmidt runs into his usual wedding hook-up, Gretchen (Natasha Lyonne). She wears pants suits and lets him know that she plans on having sex with him at the end of the night. Uugh. Gross. Women on this show. Look at them with their confidence and personality quirks.

Gretchen: I’m gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.

Schmidt would much rather go home with Brooke (Katie Cassidy) who was the hot girl in college. Now she is as interesting as a cardboard box. Which is a disservice to cardboard boxes because kids and cats both love them shits. She also is a recovering alcoholic. That’s all we know about her. Really she serves to let us know Schmidt was “Fat Schmidt” in college and perhaps that helps explain why he is a complete turd basket. Now he’s overcompensating and trying to prove he’s a different, better person now because he’s “more attractive” or some such. I don’t know. I didn’t major in psychology.

Winston’s storyline was boring and stupid again. He got into an usher off with a little kid, then a dance off, and then he offered Jess the encouragement she needed to help Nick. That’s right. It was Jess’s turn to fix people this time. Nick’s ex, Caroline, was at the wedding and she does that thing that ex’s do. You know, flirt with you just enough that you can’t quite let go. You know what I’m talking about. You probably do it. You’re so manipulative. Don’t do that. It’s mean.

Jess: Come on in honey. The water’s fine.

Jess pretends to be Nick’s girlfriend and while trying to help, she drives Brooke and Caroline away. Nick ends up drunk and whiny in a photobooth but the only person he wants to talk to is Jess. She tells him he has to cut Caroline off. He listens and is all the better for it. Then they all forgive Jess and celebrate by doing a Craigslist mating ritual which we’re told is the chicken dance in slow motion.

Some people probably wanted Jess to tell them to screw off but then there wouldn’t be a show. So where do they go from here? Does Jess keep being Jess and they keep hating her for it? Does she change? Do they accept that women can have personalities? Because that’s the real problem isn’t it? She’s not there to please them. She’s there to figure out how to be happy and enjoy life and neither of those things necessitate she wears sexy dresses or stops liking the things that she likes. The woman that we see on TV standing up for herself and doing her, so to speak, is also childlike and at times, clueless. Do these things contradict? Or is this a realistic portrayal? Do you know a Jess? Are you a Jess? Should we all take pictures holding signs that say “I am Jess” to protest nothing in particular but because it’s seems like something people would do if they wanted to make a point?

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Modern Family

by Lizz

This week’s Camitchell plot line was pretty typical. One was mad because the other Always Does This. Lilly made a brief but adorable appearance. Did you know that the actress who plays Lilly on Modern Family was actually recast? It’s a new little actress! God why didn’t anyone tell me? Here I was walking around thinking the actress had just grown…a lot.. really fast.

WHIPPED CREAM PRINCESS CROWN

Elsewhere, Claire gets herself in to a tizzy about traffic. Again. No one in the family would help her out, but then, like magic/comedy writing, they all do. Phil spent the whole episode being goofy and appealing to Luke as they tried to recreate for an accidental off-the-head basketball shot for Youtube.

I WONDER HOW MANY TIMES THEY HAD TO SHOOT THIS TO GET IT RIGHT "THE FIRST TIME"

Even more elsewhere, Jay forces Manny to go around selling wrapping paper to build character because Jay subscribes to the method of parenting pioneered by Dad in Calvin and Hobbs. Actually, I think it’s been quite heartwarming the way Jay has slowly begun to treat Manny like he’s his son. Jay even says, “I’m an old parent.” While that sentimental stuff is going on, Gloria loses the dog (Stella) because she leaves the gate open and she has to find her before Jay realizes what she’s done. And Ricky still won’t let Lucy be in the show! I don’t want to say this show is getting formulaic, but….

Why Close the Gate?:

Gloria: “We live in a nice neighborhood. What are you afraid of? That some money is going to fly in and then your gardener is going to have to rake it up?”

Oh. I’m sorry. Did I say this show was getting formulaic? What I meant to say was David Cross guest stared as the head of the Traffic Council!

IT'S NOT AN ICE CREAM CAKE

next: Up All Night and Happy Endings

Televisionary: Modern Fam, Up All Night, New Girl, Big Bang & Happy Endings

Here we are again.

Modern Family

by Lizz

Modern Family was, you know, really funny and stuff. Mitchell and Cam were, as usual, really good for Americans to see on TV. They were all in love and on a juice diet. Okay– the juice diet kind of drove them mad.

THESE ARE DOG BISCUITS

Meanwhile, over at the Dunphys, Haley wore feathers in her hair a la Aria and I couldn’t wait to tell you about it. The feathers were only on one side of her hair so she managed not to look like a chicken. Also, Phil made some serious moves towards walking on a tightrope. By serious moves, I mean he actually managed to do it. I was impressed.

DO YOU THINK HE ACTUALLY DID THIS HIMSELF?

I loved that the MF writers gave Phil a chance to be a dreamer without the Screwing Up Afterwords every time. Also, it gave Claire a chance to show how in love she is with Phil. It was really really kind of really cute.

Just Awesome:

Phil: How awesome are people?
Luke: So awesome.

OH YEAH. JAY SHOWERS WITH THE DOG.

Up All Night

by Lizz

Up All Night totally got better. Okay, I dunno if I’d call it totally… but it got better. There were moments of actual laughter. It’s a start.

THIS IS FUNNY

I wasn’t going to watch again after the “meh” first two episodes, but I really want to love Up All Night! We don’t get a lot of shows with female comedic stars (except for this year where I swear there’s like five) and I want to really give the writers a chance to wow me with Maya Rudolph. Like I said though, funnier. There was even a solid fake 90’s pop song.

Oh, did you not know that Maya Rudolph’s character used to be a 90’s popstar? Because, yeah, that’s a thing.

PANTS OFF DANCE OFF

I guess the premise of this episode was:

1). Sometimes relationships lose their sexiness after a baby
2). If someone was bad for you in the past they are probably bad for you now.

In a lot of ways, these were much more successful premises than the last two weeks because they were more reflective of the age of the characters. Simply having the plot-line of “zomg babies make gender roles complicated” just wasn’t going to cut it for too long. Also I was so pleased to see Rudolph given some truly hilarious SNL-esque musical scenes.

Well, I promised my roommate if this episode really sucked I wouldn’t make her watch another. Fortunately/unfortunately this week’s episode was good enough to merit another episode.

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New Girl

by Brittani

 What the eff, man. The second episode was disappointing. I previously felt no particular way towards Zooey Deschanel but I legitimately like her on this show. Outside of Coach, the other characters brought, I don’t know…absolutely nothing to the table and I still liked it. I don’t think all shows have to be groundbreaking or razor sharp to be enjoyable. Little moments can make a show and Deschanel has a way of capitalizing on those. She can almost make you forget about how Winston spent half the episode convincing Schmidt he is the top dog so Schmidt could be tricked into switching rooms. I would say you can’t make this up but someone did. Someone literally made this up and they should be punished.

Speaking of Winston. he’s there because Coach is gone. We don’t know why but he is.  Black dudes gotta do black dude things. And so he’s been replaced with a different athletically inclined black dude and the switch is so underplayed, almost ignored, that some people may not even notice. Except they should. Because the new dude was NOT FUNNY. You know what else wasn’t funny? The cold open. Schmidt trying to find where he’s sexiest in his room? Nowhere. There’s not a single place in which you are sexy.

After that, there are five minutes of morning time some other day. It’s before work and these people are all up at the same time, alert and speaking words. Doing things that don’t include wiping the sleep from their eyes or grumbling indistinguishable syllables at each other about burnt toast. Then they play basketball! In the apartment. That is above someone else’s apartment. I suppose everyone in the building is a morning person that enjoys the echoes of dribbling to accompany the rising sun. But the story must go on so Jess bounce passes the ball into the TV and oh no! it shatters. I really don’t think that’s how things would go down if a ball got bounced into a screen so maybe someone who knows about surface energy could tell me how plausible this is. If surface energy is a real term.

Now that the TV is broken, Jess has to replace it and whadyaknow. She has a TV at her old apartment with her old boyfriend but her feelings are not old. She doesn’t want to go back and get the TV or the rest of her stuff.  Ex-boyfriend is her “kryptonite.” Things that are my kryptonite: overdraft fees, the word masks, arm hair, Quinn Fabray’s storyline.

Jess has to work up the courage to confront her boyfriend and guess who shows up when there’s a problem (because that’s the only time you really need friends). None other than catty racially ambiguous model. It is a low point, not only for me but humanity, when I’m not remotely interested in this woman. I didn’t even IMDB her. (Someone I did recently IMDB, Meghan Markle. I recommend.) Anyway, Jess gets her stuff back and there is bonding with her male roommates who continue to save the day/world/our species using threats and violence.

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Happy Endings

by Brittani

Last season there were a bunch of shows that garnered the obligatory Friends comparison because they had a cast of six. There was NBC’s Perfect Couples (shite), Fox’s Traffic Lights (meh), and ABC’s midseason replacement, Happy Endings (!!!). In the end there can only be one Highlander so Happy Endings was the only show to be renewed.

The cast boasts UCB performer and everyone’s favorite chubby skinny dude, Adam Pally, stand-up comedian and Wayans family member, Damon Wayans Jr., SNL vet Casey Wilson, 24 actress and Girl Next Door, Elisha Cuthbert, and Eliza Coupe who previously enjoyed sitcom success on Scrubs. Then there’s Zachary Knighton.

The show is about a group of friends that try to maintain their cohesiveness after Cuthbert’s character leaves Knighton’s at the altar.

Unfortunately, this is the show’s biggest weakness as no one really cares what happens to them and I think most people would rather they stay apart. I like this show because they are constantly eating and drinking. So much so that Pally’s Max has referred to Miller Lites as M. Lite Shyamalans and Wilson’s Penny has ordered a “round of sambucs.” Most of the time nothing more is happening than them eating, drinking, and hanging out but it’s hilarious. It fully embraces the fact that sitcoms have tenious premises to begin with and their strength lies in character development and chemistry. The strength of the ensemble allows them to couple characters off in different pairings while three different, sometimes outrageous, stories progress simultaneously. Impressive when some shows struggle to keep their minor plots entertaining.

You’ll also be glad to know there is a gay character. Max guarantees there are gay jokes every episode. In the first season we learned that Coupe’s Jane had a lesbian phase in college. A looong one.

The season opener made me realize just how much I’d missed the show. Penny, arguably the show’s most hilarious character, puts her season one catchphrase “a-mah-zing” to rest and introduces us to the Year of Penny.

Max and Brad are up their usual antics which cause Max to try and prove he can be black and later on, professional when Brad is spending less time with him to hang with his black friends. This is one of the reasons I love the show. They don’t tokenize the black or gay character and they have two of the main characters in an interracial marriage. They don’t try to slip a character of color/queer character in hoping that no one notices. And now you’re probably thinking, “Why do they have to acknowledge that characters are of color/are queer? Shouldn’t they be treated the same as the rest of the cast?” Sure, I guess. Can you CC that memo to everyone in the real world?

If you haven’t seen Happy Endings, you should give it a try. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea but at least there are a half dozen cute cats in this episode.

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Big Bang Theory

by Lizz

The single most important part of this week’s episode of Big Bang was that in the first few minutes Bernadette wore a dress I have! Guys, I’m famous.

I'M FAMOUS I'M FAMOUS I'M FAMOUS!!!!

Bernadette and Howard leave the other characters for their own boring “hetero marriages are hard” plot line and Kunal Nayyar was obviously not on pay roll for this episode or something. Moving along to characters I care about, I think Amy Farrah Fowler might be my favorite new character on Big Bang. At this point, I even like her better than half of the regular cast. Probably my feelings are mostly just really related to how excited I was when I found out that Blossom got a PhD on TV and in real life. This week was all about Amy as she and Leonard went to a wedding together. Why didn’t she take Sheldon? Oh this is why:

Leonard: This wedding just reminds me of my kind of sort of girlfriend nine thousand miles away
Amy: Well I have a kind of sort of boyfriend who’s playing with a model train right now and you don’t near me bitchin’ about it.

Leonard is a bit dreary at first because, you know, he’s on a date with his awkward friend’s awkward girlfriend. Because sitcoms love tropes, this episode falls right in to Give Geeks a Chance and Leonard realized Amy’s actually really fun. No like, in love with her fun (because he’s still pining over Priya/Penny/Other girls that are too hot for Johnny Galecki, just like Oh Sometime It’s Okay To Have Fun and Dance Even When You’re Really Dramatic All The Time. Upon hearing about their lovely evening (and a slightly misunderstood pulled-groin reference) Sheldon decides Leonard must have made a move on Amy– and Spock karate chops him in the shoulder. It was all very adorable (he was wearing a conductor’s hat at the time).

"SHE IS NOT FOR YOU!"

Similarly, Amy inevitably decides that Leonard has fallen in love with her as she was “charming, supportive and, let face it, in this dress the perfect combination of virgin and madonna.” She’s not interested in him, of course, because boys are icky and smelly. Amy even has a hilarious moment where she almost makes a pass at Penny. Not a full blown pass, but I’ll be curious to see if the writers actually take us somewhere with this. Big bang is typically a show that pushes the boundaries of acceptable closeness in non-sexual relationships (Howard and his mom, Howard and Rajesh, Penny and Sheldon) and perhaps their intention is to extend that to Amy and Penny’s relationship. It seems pretty unlikely though– my guess is their intent is to make Amy seem rather like a little kid obsessed with her babysitter’s long hair.

Epically Wonderful moment:

Amy: Oh Penny, as much as I would treasure knowing the two of use had been defiled by the same man, Leonard just doesn’t get my motor running.
Penny: So, um, what are you going to do, do you want me to talk to Leonard, let him down easy?
Amy: No, I’ll let him have tonight. Then, in the morning, I’ll send him an email letting him know this body is never going to be his wonderland… I mean frankly you’ve got a better shot than he does.

Televisionary: Up All Night With The Modern Family

Well it’s time for a new season of all of your favorite sitcoms! As much as I love a show with a good lesbian character (does that exist?) I’m such a sucker for a half-hour of stereotypical goofiness. So, following a new episode, Brittani and I (Lizz) will briefly recap some of the best TV sitcoms. Our aim is to give you (yes, YOU) a place to talk about how funny/awesome/terrible/offensive/enlightening this week’s episodes were. Also, fyi, motherfucking spoiler alerts.

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Modern Family

Modern Family, aka the winner of every Emmy ever, had one of those newfangled one hour season premiers this past Wednesday. I was nervous because I thought it was going to be an actual hour long episode and it was going to suck like that time The Officewent to an hour format. Actually it was just two episodes. Phew. The most important thing to know about the new season of Modern Family is that Lilly is three now and has gotten so cute it’s unbelievable. The second most important thing to know is that Modern Family just as funny as ever. Maybe even funnier.

301: Dude Ranch

The first episode took the whole family to a ranch in Wyoming where everyone found themselves or something. On the Dunphy side of things, Claire still hates Dylan who proposed to Haley and then got hired as a ranch hand. Also some dumb boy kissed Alex. I’m not just saying that ’cause he’s a boy. He really was dumb. Mitchell and Cam discussed adopting a boy, but Mitchell was scared he couldn’t raise a boy since he’s not great at doing “boy things.” You know, like fighting, sports, blowing things up and being a generally aggressive stereotype. It’s okay– Mitchell blew up something and got over it.

Quote of the Episode:
Mitchell: “Okay so we haven’t told the family yet but we’ve decided to adopt a baby boy.”
Cameron: “From America this time! You might say we’re buying domestic.”
Mitchell: “In private. You might say that in private.”

IT'S CALLED PRODUCTION VALUE

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302: When Good Kids go Bad

The second episode for the night didn’t disappoint either as Mitchell and Cam prepared to tell their family about their adoption plans. Along the way it becomes apparent that Lilly has a little codependency/sharing issue. Meanwhile, the Dunphys tease Claire for always needing to be right and Manny gets busted for stealing some hottie’s locket.

Quote of the Episode:
Luke: “Do you guys have any old furniture? I’m moving in to the attic.”
Mitchell: “The attic?!”
Luke: “Hey at least it’s big, Grandpa said you used to live in a closet.”

HELP! I'VE FALL AND I CAN'T GET UP.

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Up All Night

If you read our Fall TV Preview you get the deal about Up All Night: new parents have an actual real life baby to take care of. Up All Night should almost definitely be funny. Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph are wicked wicked funny and Christina Applegate is maybe funny and certainly hot. Plus, between 30 Rock and SNL Lorne Michaels has got some serious producifying under his belt. So it should be funny, right? Right? Right? Oh god, it’s so not. Arnett’s at his best, goofy, awkward and (for once) not too over the top. Unfortunately the writing for Applegate (the new mom/TV producer) and Ruldoph (an Oprah-esque talk show host) is kind of sort of just a little bit god awful. Up All Night didn’t do a one hour season premiere, I just sort of forgot to watch the premiere last week. Oh, did I mention Nick Cannon is in this show? That’s right. Nick Cannon.

101: Pilot

Okay so I have to cut them some slack because the pilot is never as good as the rest of the show. Even How I Met Your Mother had a so-so pilot but then went on to be the best ever. The show starts with Reagan (Applegate) and Chris (Arnett) discovering they’re having The Baby. Oh shiiiittt this was not their plan. They still like drinking and stuff! Unfortunately there are no abortions in TV land so we flash forward, like, I dunno a year or something to Reagan’s return to work as Ava’s (Rudolph) producer. Because being a working mom is actually, technically, really hard, Regan struggles with not seeing her baby and stuff. Chris on the other hand is dealing with being a stay at home dad because men like playing video games and not raising babies. In the end they get hammered and hungover.

Chris: “I don’t know why, I can’t find cheese! I’ve just been walking around in circles. All I could find was that… fancy cheese over by the salad bar.”

THIS IS WHAT SATURDAY LOOKS LIKE

101: Cool Neighbors

Some really hot neighbors move in across the street from Chris and Reagan but they are soooo cool that the two crazy kids can’t seem to act like normal people around them. The girl-neighbor is wicked hot with great potentially lesbian hair. Ava holds the baby and it cries, but when Nick Cannon (who I wish was just playing himself) holds the baby it doesn’t cry! Crazy! Actually, no lie, Nick Cannon might be my favorite part of this show so far. Quote of the Episode: [Chris comes back from dropping off a bottle of tequila for the new neighbors]

Chris: “She caught me off gaurd– I wasn’t ready–”
Reagan: “What did you say…?”
Chris: “I said…ta-quee-lah.”

NICK CANNON WITH A BABY

I THINK THE NEIGHBOR LOOKS LIKE A HOT LESBIAN

So there you have it– looks like Wednesday has the best comedy of the season and the worst. Ouch. At least next week we get to add Happy Endings! See you later this week for the Thursday night shows and Monday when you’ll learn all about our new caption contest!

2011 Emmys Even Gayer Than 2010 Emmys

Generally speaking I prefer TV over movies. Probably because I like my entertainment like I like my women: short, funny, increasing in gayness and well-written (the analogy sort of petered off there in the end). Also, it might have to do with the general decline of movies worth seeing. So, the Emmys are the award show most relevant to my interests (unless you count the Teen Choice Awards). Jane Lynch hosted the 63rd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards last night making her my favorite lesbian to host an award show this year. Before I begin discussing the ceremony, it’s worth your time to read over how the Emmy nominations work since the nomination process is based on general popularity and specific episode screening.

JANE LYNCH. NEED I SAY MORE?

Though certainly some critics did not love last nights show, in my eyes, Lynch can do no wrong. She was funny, spirited and really really well dressed in a series of David Meister dresses. By all measures she was better than James Franco and Anne Hathaway at the 2011 Oscars. While Lynch’s hosting was not exactly ground-breaking on the lezzie front– Ellen DeGeneres has hosted or co-hosted four times — Lynch still brought an added self-awareness of her sexual orientation to her performance (“A lot of people are very curious why I’m a lesbian … Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of ‘Entourage”). Some of these jokes flopped or inspired other unenthused reactions, but I appreciated their unapologetic existence and regardless, Lynch aside, The Emmys were overall quite gay. Gay characters and behind-the-scenes folk were nominated; gay winners thanked their partners. Hollywood has long been hailed with nauseating frequency as part of “the liberal media,” yet we should not lose sight of how far queer actors, actresses and media personnel of all types have come. Now. On to the show. Lynch’s intro was pre-recorded and by far the funniest part of the night. The premise was that all of TV Land lived in one big apartment building. Alec Baldwin was initially supposed to play the “president of TV” in said intro, but quit and declined to attend the Emmys after Fox censored one of his jokes about the NewsCorp hacking scandal. Lynch joked she would be lip-synching, but indeed sounded downright awesome. Just watch it for yourself:

The comedy category not only started off the Emmys, but indeed stole the show completely. Modern Family dominated. I mean, seriously dominated. Modern Family was nominated in every Comedy category with the exceptions of Outstanding Lead Performance (ensemble casts are considered without leads). Modern Family took home five awards including Directing, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Writing and Guest Actor. Due to multiple nominations in each category, literally every adult cast member of Modern Family, three of their directors and two writers were nominated. The only Modern Family loss was Nathan Lane losing to Justine Timberlake‘s SNL skits for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series.

JULIE BOWEN, MICHAEL SPILLER, TY BURRELL, STEVEN LEVITAN AND JEFFREY RICHMAN, AND THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW

Ty Burrell‘s acceptance speech was particularly funny and worth watching:

Plenty of people thought Steve Carell should have won the Outstanding Actor/Comedy award this year for his final portrayal of Michael Scott on The Office, but I must admit when Jim Parson won for playing Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory I literally stood up, fist pumped, pointed at the screen and yelled “Yes! Yes, damn it, yes!” Some might say I’m simply partial to Parson because I’m a gigantic science geek, and yes, they’d be partially right (pun intended). Regardless, Parson’s acting deserves the awards he receives because, in truth, the scripts are not that spectacular. There is a reason that Big Bang wasn’t nominated for Outstanding Writing/Comedy or Outstanding Directing/Comedy. Parson brings to life what could be simply a clique show about nerds through the mannerisms and verbal cadence he brings to a character wholly unlike himself. His acting is so fresh that I’d pay $2.99 extra for it in the Whole Foods produce department.

JIM PARSON AWKWARDLY ACCEPTS HIS AWARD FROM ****** ******

The announcement of Outstanding Actress/Comedy is funnier if you watch it before I talk about it:

In a stroke of sheer genius (via the mind of Amy Poehler) each of the nominees for Outstanding Actress/Comedy walked on stage at the announcement of their nomination and held hands a la Miss America. It was fucking hilarious. Though I’ve never seen Mike & Molly the show for which Melissa McCarthy won, I should probably start watching immediately since she managed to beat out Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the Emmy was a slight nod to Bridesmaids as well, but it’s hard to say. Either way, it was awesome to see Sookie St. James win an award.

MELISSA MCCARTHY IS THIS YEARS QUEEN OF COMEDY

Somewhere, approximately between the Comedy and Drama categories aired an epically funny video bringing together characters from all different comedies to complain about their jobs. Clips like this are the reason to watch award shows.

Unfortunately, after the Comedy awards were given out, the show sort of went downhill. The awards for Drama took a serious hit in the gay department– mostly in that Modern Family wasn’t 90% of the nominations. Also, with so many of the nominations going to AMC and premium channels, it would be surprising if viewers, like me, didn’t feel a bit left out at times. The presenters continued to try to make jokes, but were significantly less successful than the actual comedians. Friday Night Lights earned two awards; Outstanding Writing/Drama (Jason Katims) and Outstanding Lead Performance/Drama (Kyle Chandler). I don’t watch Friday Night Lights because, um well, it’s a sports drama set in Texas without any major gay characters (the Google told me there was briefly a lesbian who kissed a guy though). Similarly, Julianna Margulies won Outstanding Lead Actress/Drama and Margo Martindale won Supporting Actress/Drama for The Good Wife and Justified, respectively, also two show I don’t watch. What can I say? Dramas make me sad.

KYLE CHANDLER. I HAD TO GOOGLE HIM.

Martin Scorsese won for his direction in the pilot of Boardwalk Empire. I mean, seriously? It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

NO COMMENT

Though many praised his performance, I was still very pleased to see that Peter Dinklage took home the award for Outstanding Supporting Performance/Drama for his role in Game of Thrones. Dinklage was well cast and was therefore at his best in Game of Thrones in his signature rude, pretentious and sharply intelligent character. I do believe it’s also worth nothing that Dinklage is the first little person to win the award.

PETER DINKLAGE IS A BADDASS

One of the best parts of the Emmys each year are the announcement of nominees for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program. This is code for Best Latenight TV Show. Basically each show has to find a way to recognize the team of writers that contributes to each episode. Of course, with a team of comedy writers, they’re not just going to list some names and call it a day.

Once again, no surprises here as The Daily Show took the only categories anyone cares about. I particularly loved this acceptance speech.

As the Emmys wound down, Downton Abbey prove the little guy really can win, as the PBS miniseries beat out its exclusively premium channel competition for four Emmys: Outstanding Miniseries or TV Movie, Outstanding Writing (Julian Fellowes), Outstanding Directing (Brian Percival ) and Outstanding Supporting Actress (Maggie Smith). Yes, okay that says Maggie Smith. So I guess the little guy can win when it imports a show from London with a £1 million per episode budget and Professor McGonagall in the cast.

WRITER/PRODUCER JULIAN FELLOWES SAYS SOME STUFF WITH A BRITISH ACCENT I FORGET NOW BUT SEEMED QUITE IMPRESSIVE AT THE TIME

As all award shows must, the Emmy’s took the time to remember those who had passed in the last year. I know I’m getting old because I’ve gotten to the point where I know practically every actor they show. Noticeably missing was Jeff Conaway, best known for playing Kenickiein the Grease and Bobby Wheeler in Taxi. While I appreciated the life music, I was slightly disappointed that the focus was more on the singers than the In Memoriam reel. Also, who are these guys singing? O-Town? (I googled it, they’re called the Canadian Tenors.)

The night ended with the announcement of the Outstanding Drama Series and Outstanding Comedy Series. Is anyone else sort of surprised to find out there’s no grand Outstanding Series Regardless of Genre category? No surprises for the whole salami, Mad Men won the award for Outstanding Drama Series for the fourth year running (every year the show has aired). Even under the veil of a period-show, Americans love a show about hot women in tight dresses who have to do what men say.

LARGE AND IN CHARGE CAST

Similarly unsurprising was Modern Family‘s win. The last win of the night, the producer still managed to make their speech heartfelt and funny.

That was about it. Not exactly a nail biter, but I think a subtle nod to America’s (or at least Hollywood’s) growing normalization of queers in the media. Oh also those guys from Lonely Island did a medley of their songs from the last year.

Autostraddle’s Ultimate Fall 2010 Television Preview/Pre-Judge

It’s that time of year when my attention turns to three things:

1. School supplies
2. Sweater weather
3. Fall TV

I’ve been a loyal viewer long enough to remember when fall was the only time TV was new (there was none of this “midseason replacement” and “summer premiere” crap). But I can’t remember ever seeing such a full-to-bursting fall schedule! And yet very little of it looks half as thrilling as a lingering glance (or lingering shooting lesson, zowie!) on Rizzoli & Isles.

Instead of trying to get my head around the gargantuan list of new and returning shows (several people with superpowers have already compiled some handy lists and schedules), I’m just going to hit the highlights and lowlights.

SUNDAY

Boardwalk Empire

Sundays starting Sept. 19, HBO, new

I can’t decide what appeals to me most: the setting (Atlantic City during Prohibition), the cast (including Steve Buscemi and Kelly Macdonald), the title that reminds me of Monopoly, or the fact that I’ll now have something to watch on Sundays while I’m waiting for Mad Men to start.

Sister Wives

Sundays starting Sept. 26, TLC, new

This is apparently the real-life version of Big Love. I mention only because it makes me think of that “Sister Friend” thing — remember when Rosie O’Donnell and Wynonna Judd called each other that all the time? No? Well, I’m just saying: I hope they don’t start calling each other “Sister Wife.” Ick.

MONDAY

Mike & Molly

Mondays starting Sept. 20, CBS, new

I’m not sure I can actually bring myself to watch this, because it looks like a lame(r) descendant of The King of Queens. But Melissa McCarthy is adorable and truly gifted comedically and will always be the only real Sookie to me (Stackhouse who?). Also, Swoosie Kurtz is in it, and I still miss Sisters.

Chase

Mondays starting Sept. 20, NBC, new

This show seems to feature girls with guns, including Rose Rollins (Tasha on The L Word). That is all I (need to) know.

Hawaii Five-0

Mondays starting Sept. 20, CBS, new

Kidding!! You couldn’t pay me to watch anything that stars the spawn of James Caan. (Yes, Grace Park is on the show too, but I just don’t think that’s enough to overcome the rest of the suckage.)

The Event

Mondays starting Sept. 20, NBC, new

FlashForward made me wary of shows that have a big secret, but Laura Innes is on this, so I’ll give it a try. Oh, and Lisa Vidal is on it too. Wait a minute! I just figured out what the “event” is: the reunion of Dr. Weaver and her firefighter girlfriend Sandy! Can we please page Dr. Legaspi while we’re at it?

In Treatment

Mondays and Tuesdays starting Oct. 25, HBO, returning

Nothing will ever be as good as that amazing first season — featuring Mia Wasikowska in a heart-breaking, breakout role — but I’m looking forward to seeing Debra Winger and Amy Ryan every week. But wah, no Dianne Wiest!

TUESDAY

Glee

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, Fox, returning

I don’t always love everything about this show, but I’ll still be happy to see it (and Jane Lynch) again.

Detroit 1-8-7

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, ABC, new

Hmm. Why didn’t they call it Detroit 4-4-2 and use that Blondie tune as the theme song? Also, Michael Imperioli plays a cop on this show, which just makes me miss the American version of Life on Mars. Um. Never mind.

Raising Hope

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, Fox, new

This seems to be about the recession and parenthood. These are not my favorite topics. But Martha Plimpton is one of my favorite actresses, so I’ll give it at least two episodes before I give up and watch The Goonies instead.

Running Wilde

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, Fox, new

Bluh. The presence of Will Arnett and David Cross does not another Arrested Development make. And why does David Cross get to have two new shows while Laura Kightlinger (whose brilliant The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman is being ripped off by the aforementioned Cross on his other show) has none?

The Good Wife

Tuesdays starting Sept. 28, CBS, returning

I still don’t think Archie Panjabi deserved the Emmy, but I sure do hope Kalinda turns out to be gay. Mostly I wish Alicia would smash Peter’s face in. Then the title would be all sarcastic and stuff.

Updaaate! It seems Lili Taylor may play Kalinda’s love interest. Yeeee! Taylor has always had the gayest vibe ever, even when she’s playing straight. And she is always a delight. Though I still wish I’d never seen The Addiction.

62nd Annual Emmy Awards 2010: Awards Shows Are So Gay These Days

Can you believe it’s been a whole year since The Emmys 2009? Well, it hasn’t been, actually. This year The Emmys are like three weeks early for reasons relating somehow to football. Regardless, the theme of this year’s Emmys is “radical liberal homosexuals control Hollywood, duh!” and the proof is in the pudding: if you want to earn an Emmy, you need to have gay people in your show. Also: HOLY CRAP THAT’S A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE. I mean look at the white white whitey white whiteymcwhiterson faces! WAY TO GO TELEVISION, for Chrissake DIVERSIFY YOURSELF.

Watch The Emmys with us! Below you’ll find a periodically updated post reflecting the actions of the Emmy Awards ‘as they happen’ but I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a live-blog, because we don’t care THAT much.

We’re pretty sure AfterEllen stuffed the ballot box because all the ladies that gay ladies who like straight ladies liked were nominated, like everyone from 30 Rock. I don’t like straight girls because I don’t want to like people who don’t like me back. Does anyone else feel that way?

Oh hay Jane Lynch what’s up?

Best Comedy Series:

30 Rock, NBC – Dorothy Snarker and DJ Carlytron love this show, so it must be about gay people.
Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO – Didn’t know this was still on the air, who cares NEXT.
Glee, Fox – Singing, dancing, homosexual characters, homosexual actors, we’ve been through this.
WIN! Modern Family, ABC – Actual gay couple with child.
Nurse Jackie, Showtime – Written by LESBIANS, has gay people.
The Office, NBC – Oscar is gay, Michael Scott has nothing against gay people.

Best Drama Series:

Breaking Bad,  AMC – What the hell is this show even about? Idk.
Dexter, Showtime – Stars David Fisher from Six Feet Under, who was gay.
The Good Wife, CBS
Lost, ABC
WIN! Mad Men, AMC – I hear the people like this show.

Variety, Music or Comedy Series:

–>All of the nominees in this category work for the gay agenda.

The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
WIN! The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Comedy Central
Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO
Saturday Night Live, NBC
The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien, NBC

Actor in a Comedy Series

WIN! Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Steve Carell, The Office
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Matthew Morrison, Glee
Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

Actress in a Comedy Series

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures Of Old Christine – Wanda Sykes is on this show and Wanda Sykes is gay.
Lea Michele, Glee – I’m not saying that she’s gay or anything, because she definitely is not. La la lalalalalaalala #internattack
WIN! Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie – Nurse Jackie is written by a lesbian, so it’s basically a lesbian brain winning.
Tina Fey, 30 Rock – GGWLSG (Gay Girls Who Like Straight Girls) LOVE Tina Fey with a fervor and passion which, to be honest, I have never quite understood.
Toni Collette, United States Of Tara – Gay alter, gay son.
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation – GGWLSG (Gay Girls Who Like Straight Girls) LOVE Amy Poehler.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series:

WIN! Jane Lynch, Glee
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Kristin Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Holland Taylor, Two And A Half Men – If she wins this, we’ll all know she’s really winning for her role as Helena Peabody in The L Word.

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series:

[This is possibly the gayest group of nominated persons in the history of gayness, which as we all know, is the history of humanity. I know John Cyrer isn’t technically gay, but as I’ve said a million times before, Duckie and my Mom are basically twins and my Mom is a lesbian.]

Chris Colfer, Glee
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
WIN! Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Jon Cryer, Two And A Half Men

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Rose Byrne, Damages
Sharon Gless, Burn Notice
WIN! Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men

This opening number is probably giving a lot of you emotional tremors because it combines Betty White, the entire cast of Glee, Sue Sylvester, that Tina Fey woman again, and other people on television programs.

Here’s a photo:

Eric Stonestreet plays a gay person on Modern Family but is not gay in real life, which is like playing a retarded person in a TV show or movie. Gilbert Grape Award. It’s really hard to act gay, they have to touch each other! He won an Emmy.

laneia: things that will never be funny: twitter jokes

Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd won an Emmy for writinga show that features two gay people and an adopted baby.

riese: it’s too bad lindsay lohan isn’t there
laneia: i was just thinking that?

JANE LYNCH WHO IS GAY won an Emmy for being in a show called Glee which has gay people in it, and she thanked her gay wife. I feel like this post will be good for SEO.

The Gilmore Girl’s Mom bombed a gay joke with Chandler Bing, and then a bunch of gay jokes happened in a row, too fast for us to know if they were offensive or not. UPDATE: Laneia liked it. Then Ryan Murphy won something for Glee and thanked his boyfriend which makes this the second gay partner thanked of the night.

Some more gay jokes, some more sex jokes, and people who are super grateful, it’s like Oliver Twist or something.

Mad Men wins something. Also Top Chef won something. Cutest Ashley Merriman? I like singing and dancing.

I think they are trying to be cool by telling ‘self-referential jokes’ and being ‘deprecating’ and ‘snarky’ and also using the words ‘gay’ and ‘sex’ is often as possible. I guess that’s kinda what this website does. I hope we pull it off better than they do.

Things have continued to happen: that actress who looks like Julia Roberts read words from a scroll of paper. She wears reading glasses and has a professional facial expression.

A video montage reminded us that not only are these people good looking, but they also gave money to charity following natural disasters.

There was a musical montage where Jimmy Fallon, dressed as Elton John meets Barbie Dream House meets Perez Hilton, sang an ode, I believe, to Law & Order.

‘What? Law and Order is cancelled?’ I said to Laneia.

‘We talked about this already.’ She said.

‘Oh,’ I said.

Later on in the program, Ricky Gervais, a cherub humorous man from The Office UK, addresses the audience about a lack of backstage alcohol. He makes a few good jokes and then gives everybody a beer. The attractive men & women in the few front rows eagerly accept cold bottles from cheery usher/servers in white waistcoats.

One of the awards goes to an award show. Not this one, but the Tonys. So what happened was an award show gave an award to another award show.

Another theme of the program was “people behind the scenes have feelings.” People we’ve never heard of as well as some famous-looking people answer questions about studio memos and childhood dreams.

‘I don’t like awards shows,’ Laneia says. “I don’t understand. it’s like, they’re giving out their own awards. it’s not like getting an award from your teacher. A teacher is relatively unbiased. but this is like, from your peers. Like ‘best dressed.’ I was awarded ‘best dressed’ in high school and do you know why? Because a group of 5-8 girls got together one weekend and decided who would win what, so everyone important would be included in the superlatives in the yearbook. and then they told ppl who to vote for, and they did.’

‘These dresses are more expensive,’ I say.

I wonder to myself, ‘I wish The Real L Word was on.’

Later, I think: ‘I wonder how many people will want to sell for Avon tomorrow.’ I decide to wait to call Avon until everyone else has already tried it and quit. I’m not a quitter.

Juliana Marguelis says television is important because we look to it when we want to know what has happened. I look to it when I want to see people act out stories. Everyone is cheering for George Clooney because he made a lot of money and gave it to people who deserve it, which is nice.

Time goes on. We age, and seasons pass. Summer blends into winter and becomes spring, in that order.

This show is the worst show ever, this is like pre-schoolers picking National Merit Scholars. What happened. Do they realize it’s ten pm, and now ‘the cast of true blood’ has to compete with ‘True Blood’ and ‘the cast of Mad Men’ has to compete with Mad Men?

I think Jim (the one who married Pam) decided to pretend he couldn’t read, rather than read the line he was being fed.

As time went on, we found ourselves loosing interest in the program. We asked ourselves if perhaps the reason marijuana might be legalized in California this year is because it will encourage people to sit through programs like this one whereas they ordinarily might get up and do something else. But the only competition here is SANDWICH. And SANDWICH JUST WON Y’ALL! HAPPY SUNDAY!

UPDATE: Apparently after we left to go do arts & crafts because we’ve been working pretty much nonstop this weekend, other things happened. This included:

– Angela Chase won an award for something we didn’t see

– Mad Men won Best Drama, but everyone was watching Mad Men so they missed the big reveal, also I think it has a gay character.

– Modern Family won Best Comedy, it also has gay people in it, therefore gay people have won.

Hollywood Loves Gay Men & Teens, Just Ask “The Marriage Ref”

GAYS, GAYS EVERYWHERE
Defamer has noted that Hollywood is having its Gay Teen moment. Because you know nothing has happened really since My So-Called Life‘s Rickie Vasquez, who honestly changed my life. Well, except Jack from Dawson’s Creek. And the guy on Greek, and Skins and Marco on Degrassi and Andrew Van de Kamp on Desperate Housewives and Justin on Queer as Folk. Anyhow, back to the article: it’s focused mainly on Marshall in The United States of Tara, Kurt in Glee and Betty’s nephew Justin (Mark Indelicato), who officially came out on Ugly Betty this week,, which was adorbs and so progressive for such a young character. The article points out that unlike perhaps many of the aforementioned examples, these gay teens have prospered on TV without much criticism or protest. And that’s a really, really good thing.

It mentions, of course, our problem (sexism factors in here in a major way as well — less women on TV in general will mean less lesbians. That’s just one of many factors at work obviously). Anyhow, Defamer says:

There are three out gay male teens on major television these days and no one’s lost their monocle or fainted to the floor. Sure we’ve a dearth of lesbian teens — that mean little so-and-so on Weeds and the band girl on Friday Night Lights are all we can think of at the moment — but hopefully we’re getting there. Hopefully we’re getting to a place where none of the gay stuff is more surprising than any other story on the show. It’s a shame that Ugly Betty waited until the show was ending to give Justin his moment — it would have been interesting to see him navigate his new gay life — but at least they got there eventually and hopefully have helped set a precedent.

We had a moment around ’04-’06: Spencer and Ashley on South of Nowhere, Kim on Sugar Rush, Alex & Paige on Degrassi, Alex & Marissa on The O.C., as well as teenage queer characters on shows like Six Feet Under, Wonderfalls, and One Tree Hill. Some other queer teens have trickled through since: like Stacy on Lincoln Heights, Emily & Naomi on Skins and kinda Claire on Heroes.

Meanwhile CNN is also asking if Hollywood is “Gay” enough? Well apparently there are a lot of dudes in teevee shows and movies, we’re all very excited about Modern Family it’s so revolutionary everyone yell in joy. It’s funny! But again; not enough ladies:

And while shows like “Modern Family” are working to open peoples’ minds about same-sex parents, the “L” and the “T,” of LGBT, are still waiting for their TV time, said Hollywood casting director Tammara Billik.

It’s very common for female characters to be portrayed as bisexuals instead of lesbians, she said.

“I wouldn’t say it’s because of a discomfort with lesbianism, it’s just an interest in bisexuality,” Billik said. “[People] think it’s hot, and it gives characters a wide variety of storylines.”

Also; two men are going to be on the show that annoys us more than any other show presently in existence, fighting over a life-size statue of Betty Boop. Oo girl this is gonna be a shitshow of terribleness. Good luck on making it through this thing tomorrow night without a GLAAD Alert.

A fight over a life-size statue of the campy 1930s-era cartoon character has earned a Tampa duo the distinction of becoming the first — and so far, only — gay couple to appear on Jerry Seinfeld’s unscripted comedy show for NBC, The Marriage Ref.

WE HAVE TO STOP NOW:
Check out a new teaser for the upcoming season of lesbian super-couple Jill Bennett & Cathy DeBuono’s web series, We Have to Stop Now. FYI: Season 2 premieres next Tuesday, April 13. We will be recapping once the season gets going but get your subscriptions while they’re hot.

RICKY MARTIN: Although most of America sighed a collective “obvs” when Ricky Martin came out last week, GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios feels Ricky’s coming out could make a big difference in the Latino view of the gay community and have an effect come the 2012 election. (@huffpo)

Rachel Maddow and her partner Susan

RACHEL MADDOW:
As mentioned the other day before the full thing was accessible online, OMG, it’s a People Magazine story about homos without a “Yes, I’m Gay!” cover! Rachel Maddow and her girlfriend give up TV on the weekends. (@people)

REAL L WORD:
News of the upcoming reality spectacular has gone mainstream with Entertainment Weekly psyched for the premiere. (@ew)

GAY MARRIAGE DOCUMENTARY:
Prop 8 Films, a new production company working on documentaries geared toward social justice has released the trailer for their first film focusing on gay marriage. Check out the trailer for Till Death Do Us Part:

LIZ FELDMAN:
Don’t miss our brand spankin’ new interview with Ellen DeGeneres and Jay Leno alum, the hilarious Liz Feldman. (@autostraddle)

GREY’S ANATOMY:
Jessica Capshaw (Arizona of Callie & Arizona) is pregnant. No no no no no no. Let’s take this opportunity to beg Shonda Rimes NOT to make this a pregnant lesbian finale. (@people)

ELLEN DEGENERES:
The Sutton Family was on its way to sweeping the “Something That Everybody Knows About Ellen DeGeneres” category on Family Feud. Until it was Papa Mike Sutton’s turn, and he turned in the most hilarious(ly offensive) answer ever. (@queerty)

GLEE:
The cast of Glee appeared on Oprah this week:

2009 Autostraddle Televisionary Awards: Lesbians’ Choice

Carlytron’s Very First Televisionary Graphic!

Sometimes I can’t tell if TV is amazing or terrible right now. On the one hand, I feel like scripted TV is having somewhat of a Golden Age: we definitely didn’t have so many brilliant high-calibre shows all actively dominating the grid until the last couple of years. We’ve got  Mad Men, True Blood, Lost, and 30 Rock just to name a few.

Cable nets are finally able to compete with the major networks and often deliver higher-quality programming.

TV is the most accessible it’s ever been with the advancement of mobile, on demand, and web platforms.

However, on the other hand, there is more trash on TV now than I’ve ever seen before in my life: shows like Farmer Wants a Wife, Dating In The Dark, Hitched or Ditched, and Jon and Kate Plus 8 have taken “reality programming” to all-time lows (and I really love reality TV, I just think we need to draw a line someplace).

But I am an optimist; I think TV is in a really amazing place now! I used to love films but now I only see a few a year (this is due in part to how obnoxiously expensive it is to see a movie, but also I have been less excited about the film options that I’ve seen lately). I think TV is where it’s at, which is why I love it so much. I work in TV, I watch a ton of TV, I read about TV… and while some of my all-time faves have already come and gone (Newsradio, Buffy, and Arrested Development to name a few), I think our television options are great and diverse.

So now it’s time to give out some awards! These are just my opinions, I’m no expert, so sound off in the comments if you agree/disagree/want to punch me in the face.

The Dearly Departed Award

The show we’ll miss the most this year is The L Word. Despite five years of inconsistencies (and that fact that it was not the way that anyone lived) it was the first show about lesbians, and we will miss having that visibility on teevee three months out of every year (also missed: Carmen’s ass). Hm. Maybe we’ll recap the first few seasons for y’all since we didn’t start up our Recap Factory ’til Season Four…and didn’t really get gooood ’til Season Five…

The Gayest Moment of the Year Award

I had to disqualify all of the awards shows from this (Tonys, AMAs, VMAs) because there were too many uber-gay moments to sift through. So I guess the gayest moment of the year would be the moment Vogue Evolution burst onto our screens on America’s Best Dance Crew this summer. On a show that boasts such bravado, seeing our favorite dancing queens take the stage each week was fun, fabulous and revolutionary.

Best New Show of the Year Award

This was so difficult for me to decide that I decided there would be a tie: both Modern Family and Nurse Jackie are the best new shows of the year.

Worst New Show of the Year Award

Three Rivers. Sorry Shane. Perhaps they figured any ol’ medical drama would succeed, but the organ donation hospital niche was about as special/exciting as Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit. Hopefully next year they’ll set a drama in my dentist’s office and I can throw a table at someone if forced to wait for over three hours.

The Least Surprising Thing That Happened This Year Award

Also not surprising? Ilene Chaiken’s L Word spin-off The Farm wasn’t picked up by Showtime.

Most Improved Show of the Year Award

Obviously I think we can all agree that Parks and Recreation is the most improved show on tv right now. I almost stopped watching it after its lackluster first season, but I’m glad I stuck with it — it’s become one of my favorite shows over the course of the year. I guess we should’ve all known better than to doubt Amy Poehler… sorry girl!

Honorable Mention: Grey’s Anatomy and Ugly Betty (though I’m sure no one will agree with me, both have improved greatly over the course of their current seasons)

The Really, Papi, Really!? Award for
the Worst Storyline of the Year

WHO KILLED JENNY SCHECTER?! And basically all of L Word season 6. What the hell happened there? This was somehow worse than all of the crap we had to endure on Grey’s Anatomy, a feat I considered impossible until I saw the final season of the L Word.

The Guiltiest Pleasure Award

There are so many guilty pleasures on tv these days, what with Jersey Shore and The Hills and everything on the E! network. But I’m still a sucker for The Real Housewives franchise. I love all of them — Jersey, NYC, Atlanta, and the original crew in the OC. They provide us with hours and hours of mindless entertainment year-round, and for that I thank them (and Bravo).

The Too Much of a Good Thing Award

You guys, I srsly love So You Think You Can Dance, but Fox’s decision to air an extra season this fall was a total disaster. The contestants weren’t as strong as previous seasons, no Mia Michaels, and there is already way too much on during the fall to be able to make time for several hours of this show per week.

The Award For the Most Bizarre Ending to an Amazing Series

Battlestar Galactica (bet you thought I was going to say The L Word, eh? The L Word isn’t really “amazing”) definitely wins this award. Half letdown, half confusing as hell… totally bizarro ending to a really fantastic show.

Best Social Commentary on Television Award

This award signals somewhat of a passing of the guard; although Battlestar Galactica has ended, Mad Men continues to thrive. Both of these shows continually delivered stellar writing and acting layered with spot-on social commentary, making them not only enjoyable to watch but some of the best television programming of the decade.

The Award For the Most Gays in a Kitchen

With all of the reality competition shows — specifically the cooking-related reality competition shows — it’s not hard to decide which features the best and most numerous gay castmembers: Top Chef on Bravo. This year we got to meet gaylady chef Ashley Merriman, who managed to charm the aprons off of everyone I know (male, female, gay, straight, otherwise).

The Syndication Awards

The syndication of television shows is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, you can see your favorite shows all the time on random channels; on the other hand, you are subject to seeing shows you hate all the time on random channels. The worst show that is on every channel at every hour is King of Queens (close runner-up: Everybody Loves Raymond); the best show that is on every channel at every hour is the Law and Order franchise.

The Best TV Event or Made-For-TV Movie Award

We should just call this the Revolutionary Costume For Today award, because even though made for tv movies can be sorta crappy, HBO’s Grey Gardens proved itself to not only be a critical success but a fan favorite worthy of Edie waving an American flag around excitedly.

The Liz Lemon Award For the Best New TV Catchphrase We Learned This Year

Generally I speak in 30 Rock-isms, but I’m actually giving this award to “tardy for the party,” a phrase that I’ve picked up from The Real Housewives of Atlanta and the name of Kim Zolciak’s ridiculous song. Hey remember that time she performed it live?

Honorable Mention: “Prostitution whore!” (Real Housewives of NJ), “That’s a dealbreaker ladies!” (30 Rock)

The Best Award Show of the Year

There were so many award shows this year, right? The Grammys, the Oscars, the Golden Globes, the Emmys, the AMAs, the VMAs, the Logo NewNowNext Awards, Bravo’s A List Awards… it’s a lot to follow. But I’d have to say that my favorite award show this year was actually the MTV Video Music Awards, due to the amount of YouTube-able moments (Kanye making Taylor Swift relevant, Gaga thanking God and the gays, all of those amazing performances!).

Next:
The funniest lady on TV, Maddow, Our favorite talk show, Shark Week, Award Shows that were worth it, the OMFG Award and more…

The Week of Gays in Unexpected Places, Like Outer Space & Behind-the-Scenes

Hey TV lovers, it’s us! Ya know… Autostraddle. Carlytron returned from her big vaycay this week and was a little behind at work and was unable to produce the whole kit and kaboodle herself, so we’ve got another team effort here, along with Carly’s own summarized Glee re-cap.

Things have been super busy for us lately — working on exciting new stuff! — but we haven’t forgotten you! We’ve missed you. Did you miss you us? Well, just like Cougar Town resuming production, we’ve come back to you! And even though Flash Forward recently halted production, the network insists it won’t leave you either. See? The future is bright!

Back to your regularly scheduled programming…

The Team Autostraddle Television Awards for the Week Ending 11/28/09!

Hey That’s Haviland on my Teevee Award – Eastwick

Episode 109 – Paint & Pleasure
(By Riese)

This week we all watched Eastwick for the first time because Autostraddle’s BFF out lez actress Haviland Stillwell was in it! Eastwick is about a group of Suburban women who gain witch powers after being left by their husbands, based on the movie Witches of Eastwick starring Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon, which was based on a novel by John Updike, one of America’s greatest most prolific writers who died in January. At this point I don’t think the on-screen versions have much to do with the book anymore.

Anyhoo, Haviland Stillwell played a girl with straight hair who went to an art party with Kat’s ex-husband which makes Kat jealous. Kat is one of the witches!

For us the viewing audience we also discovered that secretly all this time, Eastwick has been storing away some of our favorite hot ladies; like Cherie Jaffe (Patricia Arquette) and Sara Rue, as well as Lindsay Price who you may remember as Steve Sanders’ girlfriend on Beverly Hills 90210.

So, Mystique painted a bunch of crap paintings because she really let herself go and express herself, and this dude got her an art show b/c he liked her work. And then the dude bought all of Mystique’s art to impress Cherie Jaffe, and it works. I think Cherie was just trying to get over Shane and would’ve seduced Kat later, or Haviland. Except Haviland isn’t into Shane. Anyhoo!

So that’s how we get to the art show where Haviland is canoodling with Kat’s ex-husband on the balcony and Kat has a panic attack which causes little mini-tornado but Haviland survives and was like, “whatever, my hair looks even better now b/c of the wind, Bumble & Bumble can’t even put this shit in a bottle.”

Luckily Haviland is rescued by her date b/c Haviland is little and he has strong man-arms! Look at this foxy cast ‘o characters!

Unfortunately Eastwick has not been picked up for the full season … which is confusing, b/c excluding Lost premieres and finales, Eastwick‘s premiere pulled in ABC’s highest viewers and young adult numbers in the time period with regular programming sine 2007, and it still continues to beat Jay Leno. If you want to Save Eastwick, check out Save Eastwick on facebook and sign the Save Eastwick Petition.

I interviewed Haviland about her experience on set via BBM, she said “I loved working with the cast and director and everyone involved to create the scene! It was very collaborative and fun and quick. Exhilarating.” Also she’s sick right now with swine flu or swamp fever or something, so she could just be talking crazy.

how could you not want to save this face?

Gayest Moment of the Week Award – Stargate Universe

Episode 109 – Life
(by Intern Daphne)

Hey there Friendos, it’s your Belgian SciFi geek again. You saw last week’s episode of Stargate Universe? Yes? No? I hope so, because you really should. Since this is the first time we’re discussing this show, I’ll give you a super brief “what’s it about”. Stargate Universe is about a bunch of people (soldiers, scientists, a hot daughter of a senator…) stranded on an ancient spaceship, trying to find a way to get home. However, they have a device that allows them to switch bodies with whomever, wherever, so they can still visit their loved ones, but just in another body. Got that? Ok, let’s move on then.

This episode starts with everybody doing push-ups and jogging around the ship. I don’t think they should burn precious calories and energy running around like it’s a high school gym class. Anyway. Guess what they find while exploring the huge ship? Yes! A device that may get them back to Earth. The big discussion is whether or not to try it. (They find something that might get them home almost every episode.) Besides Colonel Young wanting everybody to get a psych evaluation and Lt. Scott finding out he has a son, nothing exciting happened in the rest of the episode… Except the part where two girls started kissing on my screen!

It’s IOA member Camile Wray’s turn to use the communication stones. She gets transferred into the body of a soldier on earth. Obviously Camile goes visiting her girlfriend, and thank god the directors let Ming-Na (who plays Camile) do that acting instead of the soldier whose body Camile is in. OMG you guys, when Camile stands at her doorstep and her gf is confused and she doesn’t know if it’s really Camile, Camile says “Have you thrown away that ugly chair yet?” in Chinese, and they fall into each other’s arms. Such a beautiful moment.

Camile and her girlfriend have a wonderful night, cooking, eating, snuggling, talking in Chinese or whatever, making jokes about the chair. There is a dark side about it all though, as you can notice. You just feel the sadness through the haze of happiness.

Only thing I don’t really get: they make love, but Camile is actually in the body of another woman… Isn’t that confusing for the girlfriend? When Camile and her gf have to say goodbye, their goodbye is devastating.

Girlfriend: “Wuo ai ni.”
Camile: “I love you too.”

And the girlfriend burst out in tears. Last thing we see Camile do on earth is tell her parents she is fine, though she can not tell them it’s really her.

What I liked about this episode, apart from the awesomeness of Stargates, is that it portrays a high-ranking gay woman. The fact that it’s possible, and it’s ok to be gay. Because you know, it is.

I’m Trying To Bite My Tongue And Not Give It a Snarky Award Because I Still Love It – Glee

Episodes 110 – Ballad & 111 – Hairography
(by Carlytron)

Both of these episodes were sub-par but at least the plot moved a bit. I watched them both back to back and actually can’t tell them apart in my mind right now necessarily; they sorta felt like one giant episode.

The overall theme was DISTRACTION. Write that down, I don’t know if it’ll come across too clearly in the episodes (JK they use the word “distraction” at least 35 times all told). Everyone is too distracted by something to realize what’s really going on. Yeah that sounds about right.

There was way too little Lynch and Emma, so Kurt had to hold up most of the awesome during these episodes with bon mots like these:

“I mean he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of 4 is rainbows.” (re: Brittney)
“A makeover is like crack for me.”
“Your room looks like where Holly Hobby and Strawberry Shortcake go to make out.” (re: Rachel’s room)

Basically here’s what you need to know: the writing is still not very good, things are still a little dumb, and they keep exploiting and/or stereotyping every possible minority group under the sun.

Rachel falls in love with Will when he sings to her (like, immediately) then she cleans his house and is only finally dissuaded from pursuing him further when an older student tells her to give up the ghost; Kurt gets close to Finn and actually professes his love for him except Finn thinks it’s a song title and misses the boat entirely; everyone sings a million songs; Quinn decides to keep the baby and entertains the notion of letting Puck help raise it; Quinn realizes that Puck is a manwhore and decides to give the baby to Terri; Terri’s sister continues to be a complete disaster of a human being; the Lynch sells the Glee club’s secrets to their two competitors; EVE PLAYS A RIVAL GLEE DIRECTOR OMG I LOVE EVE SO BAD; deaf kids sing a song and my reaction was “oh no they di-in’t!” because in an earlier scene they were clearly making fun of the hearing impaired and the whole thing was just completely exploitative; Kurt gives Rachel a makeover which backfires because he sabotaged her because he is a SNEAKY GAY SCHEMER; Finn tells his mom that he got Quinn pregnant and then — under Kurt’s guidance — tells Quinn’s parents the same (via song) so they kick her out and she goes to live with Finn’s family; WILL STILL DOES NOT KNOW THAT TERRI IS NOT REALLY PREGNANT OH MY GOD.

Anyway, that’s what happened.

Second Gayest Moment of the Week Award – American Music Awards

(by Riese)

You Can’t Do That on Television! Obviously the gayest moment of the week happened off-camera this week: the ABC guy who we’re imagining literally thrust his entire torso onto the control board in reaction to Adam Lambert stuffing a male dancer’s head in his crotch. The result? The gesture was muted. Yes, muted. As in, there was no sound. That’s amazing. It makes just about as much sense as canceling Lambert’s appearance on Good Morning America the next day although Chris Brown, a convicted beater of women, will be guesting on the show next week. HEY ABC REMEMBER WHEN YOU CANCELED MY SO-CALLED LIFE? I h8 u.

Great Outdoors Award – Parks and Recreation

Episode 210 – Hunting Trip
(by Sarah)

I laughed more at this show than anything else I watched this week. Season 2 is so so so much better!
So every fall, Ron Swanson takes the men in the office on a hunting trip. When Leslie finds out, she lobbies to get everyone else on the trip, too. Ron has to give in because it’s a department-sponsored trip. So everyone treks up to the woods and many discussion about gender ensue.

After some pantsing antics, someone accidentally shoots Ron in the head, and Leslie ends up taking the blame. The best part is when the park ranger interviews Leslie. He’s super sexist, and she responds with sexist cliches so he buys her story. I imagine they left the camera running while Amy Poehler came up with as many lines as she could think of (i.e. a lot), and then used the funny ones (i.e. probs all of them).

April and Andy got some quality time together back at the office, which led to a lot of neck hickies. Grossers.

Next: Hot Almost-Naked Aliens on V, Grey’s Anatomy Special Comment, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, and a hot girl of the week from Modern Family!

The Week Claire Got Lesbian Kissed, Izzie Got Fired and 30 Rock Got My Heart

Hello squirrel friends! I watched a lot of tv and got kinda cranky about it so now I’m going to write about it for you. This is no different than any other week except I am sober. And I actually have news this week!

Mia Michaels has quit So You Think You Can Dance so she won’t be on at all this season, which bums me out. I love watching her insane judging comments but not as much as I really enjoy watching her choreography. Oh well. They will finally announce the top 20 tomorrow night, after like a hundred weeks of auditions. Tracy Morgan (I almost said “Jordan”) wrote an autobiography! And he’s doing readings from it (there’s one in NYC this Thursday!), and apparently he didn’t get along with everyone from the cast of Saturday Night Live during his time there.

I’ll get to more of my usual issues with Calizona on Grey’s Anatomy in a few minutes, but for now, Sara Ramirez tells E! Online that Callie and Arizona will have a normal relationship for a bit. This article is annoying in many ways but at least this gives me a little hope that maybe they’ll kiss like, once, this season… maybe?

Also, best news EVAR: Joss Whedon is going to direct an upcoming episode of Glee. Uhh, my brain just exploded. And finally, if you missed my Glee recap for episode 107, you can read it here. And if you can’t get enough Sue Sylvester on Glee you can now get tons of her bon mots on her twitter.

Anyway there were lots of big events on tv this week: firings, weddings, photo montages, girl-on-girl action ratings stunts… let’s begin, shall we?

And now…

The Carlytron Television Awards for the Week Ending 10/18/09!

The Pacific Rim Emmy Award – 30 Rock

Episode 401 – Season 4

Yay! The moment we’ve all been waiting for, 30 Rock has finally returned! This episode, luckily, did not disappoint. I can’t stop singing the Cheesy Blasters song or quoting Tracy’s insane questions to pedestrians outside of Rockefeller Center (“Are you a pre-op transcentaur?”). Truly an instant classic. I’m already worried though, because the ratings were down for the premiere, but I am chalking it up to two things: 1) a terrible episode of The Office as a lead-in, and 2) NBC’s half-brained decision to premiere it in mid-October when the rest of their Thursday night lineup has already been on for well over a month. Also, it’s problematic running tons of promos for a show on a network no one watches anymore (sorry NBC). I am really not worried though, cause this season looks like it’s going to be very, very funny.

The Totally Random Guest Stars Award – Gossip Girl

Episode 305 – Rufus Getting Married

Um, Sonic Youth played at Rufus and Lily’s DUMBO wedding. Wow. I love this show. Georgina tried to ruin everything and was amazing, Scott still can’t act, Blair was awesome (she called the new Mean Girls “new Mean Girls,” which… yay!), Vanessa was borderline-ok, Serena was hot, Carter is probably dead, Bree is annoying and hopefully off the show now, Nate’s part of the show again, and Rufus and Lily are finally marrieeeed! Obvs Nate and Serena are gonna hook up now right? And how hot did she look at the wedding? I also like how all of the main characters on the show came together this episode, and have been doing so a lot this season. Sometimes I miss the cattiness but I’m really enjoying them all coexisting a little bit more.

The Expanding Vocabulary Award – How I Met Your Mother

Episode 504 – The Sexless Inkeeper

This was such a great episode! I loved seeing Robin and Barney interacting more as a couple and Marshall and Lily trying desperately to impress them. Marshall’s photo montages were hilarious too, and then they made this wacky music video that was not in the episode:

This was probably the best episode of this season so far, and I loved the introduction of the “sexless innkeeper” to the HIMYM lexicon. But does Barney’s realization at the episode’s end spell trouble for his relationship with Robin? Only time will tell! Dun dun DUNNN!

The REALLY?! Award: Heroes

Episode 405 – Hysterical Blindness

I have no idea what is going on on this show. An invisible carnival? Sound waves that can crack walls? Sylar with ridiculous season-one-Peter hair? And then Claire’s ratings stunt revealed herself. The only interesting part of this episode for me was the reveal that creepy lesbian roommate wasn’t all that creepy after all, she was being framed by an invisible sorority girl. Ohhh, right. That’s totally happened to me before when I had crushes on straight girls in college.

Ugh, this whole thing was so annoying. Such a ratings stunt. Haven’t we played the whole “stalker lesbian” thing to death already?? Come on, writers. Grow up.

Special Comment: Grey’s Anatomy

Episode 605 – Invasion

Is this where we are? It’s almost 2010 and the only network television lesbian storylines are about unaccepting parents and crazy stalkers with crushes? Whereas gay male couples on network tv get to be wacky sidekicks or struggling to fit in at high school or adopting babies. I don’t really know which is worse but personally I’m not really pleased with either, how about you guys?

Anyway, Callie’s dad arrives with their priest in tow to try and “pray away the gay,” as Callie so eloquently puts it. They have a Bible-off, screaming scriptures at each other, until it seems that they are at an impasse. The ladies have a conversation about this — literally in a closet — and so Arizona talks to Mr. Callie and in the end he realizes that Callie is the same girl he raised and takes the first steps toward acceptance. Our lesbians embrace sadly but do not do anything else. Luckily no food or wine was consumed during any of their scenes so I guess that’s a step in the right direction.

This is one of Meredith’s best episodes, since all she could do was sit in bed and make sad faces and act desperate for gossip and throw tissue boxes at Cristina.

The big news of the hour though is that the new Mercy West kids show up and are awesomely mean to the Seattle Grace morons, what with their sneakiness and their ugly orange scrubs and all. The merger claims its first series regular victim this hour, as Izzie is fired, disappears after leaving Alex behind (Heigl needed time to film a movie, zzzz) and I cheer happily from my couch and play with Photoshop:

While watching this last night my friends and I decided that Callie’s dad would be so much better if he were actually Betty’s dad on Ugly Betty. Callie would be all sad and then he’d make her some flan or something.

The Amazing Home Movies Award – Modern Family

Episode 104 – The Incident

Shelley Long makes a guest appearance as Al Bundy’s ex wife and we get to see some home movies that show what happened when she got wasted at his wedding to Gloria. Then she attacks Gloria at a family gathering and they all bond over Dylan’s totally inappropriate song (I totally saw that coming, btw). Pretty amazing stuff; I really like this show.

The Hot Girl of the Week

(by Intern Lola)

When presenting the highly esteemed Hot Girl of the Week Award, I usually factor in both the actress and her current TV role. However, I don’t have much to add about Parks and Recreation’s Aubrey Plaza, who seems to be pretty under the radar. Up until last week, all I really knew was that Aubrey Plaza is not a place, she’s a person — a funny person. (I mean, she was even in the movie Funny People.) But you know what else Aubrey Plaza is? Half Puerto Rican! And so is her character April, as last week’s episode revealed. While I’ve always appreciated April’s deadpan cynicism, it reaches a whole new level en Espanol. “My Mom’s Puerto Rican. That’s why I’m so lively and colorful.” I don’t know which I love more — sarcastic girls or multilingual girls. Obviously any girl who speaks sarcastically in Spanish gets my vote for Hot Girl of the Week.

The SNL Sketch of the Week

Whoa, no digital short? Weeeeird. This episode was sorta lame. I didn’t really care about all of the dude stuff, like jokes about The 300 or Braveheart, no matter how gay it all was. My favorite part of this episode was this Beauty and the Beast sketch:

Runner up was this bit from Weekend Update where our girl Kristen Wiig pretends to have a bunch of orgasms.

I’m sorry I keep embedding Hulu clips, which don’t work for our viewers outside of the US. Does anyone know of a site that has clips that aren’t geoblocked? I’ll gladly switch!!

The Gay Moment of the Week

This music video from this Friday’s episode of Batman: The Brave and the Bold, featuring my secret boyfriend Neil Patrick Harris as the Music Meister is really, really gay.

Honorable Mention

Parks and Recreation: Continues to impress me more and more each week. Fred Armisen was amazing this week!

FlashForward: Joseph Fiennes is so… dramatic. I will stick with this cause I want to know what the eff is going on but it’s hard not to laugh a little while watching.

Ugly Betty: It’s back! And it’s… on Friday! It was good but I’m worried this will be its last season. If it wasn’t for Marc, Amanda, Justin and Hilda I don’t know what I’d do! Also a two-hour premiere is just cruel guys, srsly. I look forward to more Marc/Justin/Hilda interaction this season (their scenes together were really heartwarming/-breaking) and can’t wait for Betty to get her braces off and for Matt to grow up. Also they recast Vanessa Williams’ daughter, she’s now played by Yaya from Top Model Cycle 3 which I will laugh about from now until the end of time. Respeito, Yaya!

The Office: Uhh… this was extremely disappointing, a mostly unfunny filler episode. I’m kinda bummed. It did not hold up well against 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, and even Community.

Cougar Town: I should probably be more annoyed by this show than I am, but I still think it’s funny.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Not as good as last week’s intervention episode but the bachelorette party that Dee threw for the waitress was so funny, as was Charlie’s horrifying blind date.

Gone Too Far: I want to urge you all to check out some episodes of Gone Too Far, the series the late DJ AM was working on before he unfortunately passed away. It’s like Intervention but with a celebrity host, and a bunch of my friends worked on it so check it out! Really moving stuff.

‘Tron out!

The Week Tampax Sponsored Our Gayest Moment & Hilary Duff Wore Many Hats

Greetings squirrel friends! Well it has been quite a week, what with all the gay marching and TV weddings and pseudoephedrine overdoses and coming out and all. In news, ABC gave full-season pickups to Flash Forward, Modern Family, Cougar Town, and The Middle (3 of those are awesome, you can guess which!). In Dollhouse news, ratings are getting better because of DVRs! And check out this cool article from Geek Buffet about how intellectually engaging Dollhouse really is.

As always, don’t forget to read my Glee recap for episode 106, Vitamin D! And this just in: Fox is thinking about having a Glee tour next spring!

And now…

The Carlytron Television Awards for the Week Ending 10/11/09!

The Adorable Award – How I Met Your Mother

Episode 503 – Robin 101

This episode was really cute. Barney, afraid of losing Robin, takes lessons from Ted about Robin. It’s creepy, sure, but mostly cute. She thinks he’s cheating on her but they work it out in the end. Overall I’m happy with how HIMYM is handling their relationship, making it fit into the group dynamic, etc. Long live RoBarney! Also, this is very true and the quote of the week (Lily is a little bit Liz Lemon, I think):

“Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend; confidant; occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman’s sexuality is a moving target, but she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch.” – Lily

Everyone is adorable in this episode, especially Marshall, who has to get rid of an old barrel so he puts it outside in the Bermuda Triangle, a spot on the sidewalk outside Ted’s apartment from which things just vanish. I had a similar experience living in Orlando once, I put an entire dining room set outside and it was somehow gone almost instantly.

The Awesome Family Model Award – Modern Family

Episode 103 – Come Fly With Me

I really love Modern Family because it is able to capture real family dynamics in a funny and heartwarming way. In this episode Al Bundy finally accepted his son-in-laws and little kid Alex continued to prove herself to be me at a young age. Excellent.

Special Comment: Grey’s Anatomy

Episode 604 – Tainted Obligation

Merger craziness continues, as Cristina freaks out on the Chief and Callie freaks out on Arizona and then gets her job back. Arizons puts Callie in her place, calls her her “girlfriend” a lot, and they share a cute moment on a bench (but OF COURSE it’s during lunch, the least sexy meal EVER). Yawn. Overall this episode was good, Sandra Oh’s acting was awesome, Meredith didn’t annoy me, and I found myself somewhat moved by the Thatcher plotline. Can’t wait to see who’s getting laid off next week!

And if some lesbians don’t start making out soon, I’m gonna get back to shouting!

The Dollhouse Award for Dollhouse

Episode 203 – Belle Chose

Hey, Dollhouse, this was a vast improvement over last week, so bravo! Echo’s initial assignment is totally lame but gets awesome when she stabs the professor in the neck! Things get even more awesome when Victor accidentally gets imprinted to be a female college coed and dances his little ass off at the club. It’s super gay, and he nearly gets gaybashed, so that’s great.

Also this gives me hope for the future.

The Dumb Episode Award – Gossip Girl

Episode 304 – Dan De Fleurette

“By the way, sandals are not shoes.” – Blair

This week we learned that Blair hates hippies as much as I do, Tory Burch can’t act, somehow Anna Wintour knows Serena, Dan is still an idiot, Vanessa’s hair is still a disaster, and this episode was mostly very, very dumb. For an amazing rundown of the stupidity read Jacob’s recap over at Television Without Pity. All I can say is that next week will be better because Georgina is going to DESTROY the Rufus/Lily nuptials (hi Lily! So glad you’re back!). Also Tyra Banks chewed scenery like there was no tomorrow. And for more on our other special guest star, please see the Hot Girl of the Week, below.

The FINALLY Award – The Office

Episode 604 – Niagara

This episode of The Office was an hour long because OMG JIM AND PAM FINALLY GOT MARRIED AHHHH! It was super adorable and though some moments made me cringe, by the end of the episode everything was excellent. Can’t wait to see what happens when Pam realizes that Michael hooked up with her mom! There was also this:

The Most Improved Show of the Year Award – Parks and Recreation

Episode 204 – Practice Date

This episode was a close runner-up for Gay Moment of the Week, as Leslie went on a fake date with Ann to prepare with her actual date with that cop guy. Amy Poehler should submit this episode for her Best Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy consideration because she was amazing in it. Also, I am totally loving April’s character. She’s amazing. And Duke Silver!? Are you kidding me?! This show has totally turned it around this season and I’m really loving it. Rashida Jones is a genius.

The SNL Sketch of the Week

Drew Barrymore hosted this week (yay!) and SNL finally made a funny digital short this season!

Unfortunately the show wasn’t really that great, and by that I mean that there were no sketches about Ellen Page, lesbianism, or roller derby. Lame. The opening monologue was great though, I couldn’t stop laughing!

A chance to make fun of “A Doll’s House?” I am so totally there.

The Hot Girl of the Week Award

I wasn’t sure who to give this to this week, so I asked Robin for some ideas:

Carly: who should hot girl of the week be?
Robin: Well, Carly, I think since Hilary Duff was on Gossip Girl this week, she should be hot girl of the week, and i’ll tell you why
Carly: … Her?
Robin: As a star of both screens and as a pop music sensation, she’s both multi-talented and adorable. Plus gays love her.
Carly: I said “hot” not “bad-acting.”
Robin: Oh c’mon, she’s so cute.
Carly: Hmm.
Robin: I like her hair.
Carly: She kept wearing hats during the episode of Gossip Girl. What was with the hats?
Robin: Yeah the hats are sort of Blossom. Very mid-90s.
Carly: Yeah.
Robin: I like that song “So Yesterday.” Don’t tell anybody.
Carly: So you like that song and Miley’s “Party in the USA,” how old are you again?
Robin: 12.
Carly: Ew, my girlfriend is 12!? Uhhh… I gotta go.
Robin: I’m a mature 12. It’s actually probably legal in some states…
Carly: I don’t think that’s correct.
Robin: More states than gay marriage is legal, probs. Ok listen, I’m not actually 12, Carly. Let’s get back to Hilary Duff, stay on topic. Hilary Duff is super cute in person!
Carly: Have you met her?
Robin: I photographed her at the GLAAD Awards one year, seriously, she is hot! I’m telling you.
Carly: Hmm, interesting.
Robin: Do I need to send you photos?
Carly: Yes. I need proof.

Carly: I love that you sent me a bikini pic of Hilary Duff.
Robin: She’s cute!
Carly: Ok fine, Hilary Duff can be the Hot Girl of the Week. YOU WIN.
Robin: YAY!!! I hope others agree. Ok coming back to the other room now.

The Gay Moment of the Week

Uh, I dare anyone to show me anything gayer that happened than this:

Honorable Mention

Heroes: I give up. DNR.
Flash Forward: Was silly this week, but I’m still hooked!
Cougar Town: Totally deserves its full-season pickup, this show is really funny.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Intervention episode! Obvs a Tinkerbell shoutout. I love this show.

Don’t forget to watch the season premieres of 30 Rock and Ugly Betty on Thursday and Friday, respectively, later this week! ‘Tron out!

Autostraddle’s Big Gay Fall 2009 TV Preview: Get Ready to LOL!

Ah, fall. My favorite season. Crisp air, layered clothing, sweaters (it’s like wearing a hug all day! tm Carlytron), and fall television — the most robust and interesting of all the television seasons! We here at Autostraddle are super excited about fall! So many things are going on! But for now, we’re going to talk about “the teevee,” as Riese likes to call it. So please sit back and relax while we tell you what is worth watching this fall!

Basically, we looked at the shows that were generating a lot of buzz all over the internets and then we tried to find a way to talk about them that would be somehow different from the 385 other Fall TV Previews out there already. We figured the best way to do that was with our sparkling, charming personalities (aside from Tinkerbell, it’s all we’ve got).

So we held a mini roundtable and broke the schedule down to tell you why you might care about these new shows and how we feel about them ourselves. This lunacy was patiently edited by Interns Emily and X, and for that we are eternally grateful (other intern shoutouts go to Lola, Vashti, and Laura! Hey girl hey!). If you loved The Autostraddle L Word Recaps, you will love our chat!

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