Why is Season 3 of “Love is Blind” So Heterosexual?

Season Three of Love is Blind is, somehow, remarkably heterosexual, despite its premise retaining deep roots in lesbian cultural practices: falling in love with someone you’ve never met, moving in together after a week, idealizing someone you barely know, socializing with all of your exes, your friends talking behind your back about how much they hate your girlfriend, sharing your trauma on Day Two, rampant alcohol use disorder, love triangles, and your parents fundamentally disapproving of the relationship before even meeting your partner. This was detailed extensively by me following Season One:

https://autostraddle-develop.go-vip.net/19-lesbian-cultural-practices-appropriated-by-love-is-blind/

For those unaware of the concept, in the hit Netflix reality show Love is Blind, marriage-ready singles are challenged to spend time speed-dating each other in “pods” where they can connect emotionally without viewing each other physically. During this time they often manage to “fall in love” and are only able to see each other after a marriage proposal has been accepted, at which point they run down a red carpet of love into each other’s arms and are shipped off on a romantic beach vacation, where they also meet the people they once dated. Then, they go back home to see how they’ll integrate into each other’s lives before their wedding. At the altar, they can say yes or no and most of the time, someone does say no!

After the sizzling lesbianism of Season One, Season Two continued to carry the homosexual torch. Nick made his own toothpaste and was marrying Danielle, a costume party enthusiast with emotional baggage sitting right a the very surface of her epidermis. Natalie was a girlboss trying to tame a bourbon-loving Golden Retriever named Shayne into a suitable husband. Salvador played Mallory a f*cking ukelele serenade!!!

Initially, I’d set out to rank Season Three’s contestants by lesbianism, assuming that there’d be plenty of material with which to do so, but quickly found myself thwarted by what can only be described as a season riddled with absolute heterosexual tomfoolery. Most notably, while the show has obviously always trafficked in the potential fallout from one partner meeting their fiancee for the first time and realizing they are not actually attracted to them — a situation less frequent in queer relationships because all gay people are hot and recognize each other as such — this season has taken that particular situation to an uneasy and honestly very rude extreme that leads you to ask “why did this man sign up for a show called Love is Blind????” Let’s begin with Cole and Zanab.

Cole and Zanab: 99% Heterosexual

Cole, who initially reminded me of my ex with his childlike enthusiasm for life, specific style of eyeglasses and penchant for jumping on the couch like a child bowled over by the possibility of presents, was set to be #1. After he confessed that he’d in fact, at the age of 25, already been married to someone he only knew for two months and then got divorced four months later, I thought “that right there is a lesbian!” HOW WRONG I WAS!

After Cole met his betrothed woman, Zanab, who is objectively one of the hottest women in the world, he somehow, to our collective bafflement, was unable to summon a “physical connection,” instead reminding her and the cameras and his cast mates, at every opportunity, that his “type” is someone else’s fiancee, Colleen, an alleged ballet dancer.

Here is telling Alexa about his first impressions of Zanab:

Here he is telling Zanab for the first but not the last time that she’s not his usual type:

HERE HE IS RELAYING A CONVO FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE IN WHICH HE GAVE ZANAB A NINE OUT OF TEN AND THEN GAVE COLLEEN A TEN OUT OF TEN AND THEN TOLD ZANAB SHE SHOULD BE FLATTERED BECAUSE HE GIVES 80% OF WOMEN LESS THAN A 7 OUT OF 10:

Here’s his voiceover regarding how he is emotionally in love with Zanab and trying to summon the physical, which is already present with Colleen:

Here is Zanab at a gathering of the cast in which this all came up again:

In the pods, Cole and Colleen had a connection, until Colleen told Cole that, in typical heterosexual fashion, that she wasn’t looking for a “deep” relationship but a “shallow” relationship. Cole expressed dismay at this revelation, and I subsequently expressed dismay when Colleen went back to the girls and cried that Cole had called her “shallow.” Justice for this lesbian man with deep feelings, I said! But now, after witnessing Cole’s overall personality and absolutely hogwild reaction to his smokeshow fiancee’s physical appearance, I curse the day I ever considered this man one of our own. In fact, I feel deep, pervasive shame around it, which is enhanced by my girlfriend reminding me that she hated him from the very beginning.

To get serious for a second, Cole is obviously racist! It’s clear he only sees white women as beautiful, and cannot recognize the objective beauty standing before him. He even tells Zanab that he “usually dates girls named Lily” and knew getting engaged to “Zanab” that she wouldn’t be his usual type.

Do not even get me started on this man’s apartment! Unacceptable! Clean before you go on a trip, you are the human equivalent of a broken printer.

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Colleen and Matt: 90% Heterosexual

Similarly to Cole, Matt gets some lesbian points for the fact that at his relatively young age, he has already been married and divorced. Furthermore, his ex-wife cheated on him, and he now appears to possess intense, deep-seated trust issues that he may never get over, which is incredibly relatable to me, personally, a practicing lesbian. However, the way these trust issues play out is TOXIC AS FUCK. This man needs to calm the hell down.

Meanwhile, Colleen is giving me “front row of the viral TikTok dance for Alabama rush” vibes and as aforementioned, has explicitly stated her desire for a “shallow” relationship that doesn’t go too deep. A lesbian would never!!!

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Raven and SK: 98% Heterosexual

As soon as Raven started doing pilates while Bartise was confessing his childhood trauma, it was clear that Raven was going to be last on my (as aforementioned) thwarted list of cast members ranked by lesbianism. Eventually, Raven ended up getting engaged to SK and despite her cold body language when they first met, they’re shaping up to be one of the chillest and most respectful relationships on the program. But SK did indeed fall asleep during a “sound bath,” which is not gay.

That said, Raven gets one small queer point for her impeccable reaction to Bartise’s inappropriate advances, telling the camera that physical complements are great and all, but she really wants to be loved for her mind, and telling him directly that she doesn’t think they’re compatible and that she feels secure that SK is more qualified to give her the love she wants to receive.

SK also gets one small gay point for thinking that going to grad school across the country shouldn’t impact the viability of their relationship.

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Bartise and Nancy: 95% Heterosexual

Cole and Bartise have the shared honor of being the people I hate most on this show, and I think both of them should be abandoned at sea. Nancy, who carries a heterosexual desire to birth 10+ children, gets some queer points for owning multiple properties with her ex. Bartise’s feelings about Nancy apparently shifted dramatically after Raven showed up to Meet the Exes night in a tight outfit:

Here Nancy is telling Andrew what Bartise told her:

Here he is after apparently not touching Nancy for two days:

Here he is, still talking about Raven to Nancy:

Meanwhile, Nancy is building a real estate empire and is a speech pathologist and is also incredibly hot and fun and delightful and loving. I am now, against all odds, shipping Nancy with Fake Tears Andrew, I think they should buy a spaceship and get the hell out of Dallas.

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Alexa and Brennon: 75% Heterosexual

Apparently these two are having fantastic rough sex and Alexa is a queen who gives off light bisexual vibes. Also, Brennon’s family has a garden and chickens. Probably the gayest moment this season is when Alexa’s Israeli Dad unfurled a set of knives with which he was implying he would circumcise Brennon on the spot, because knives are gay. Alexa’s Dad also told Brennon that he expected him to be able to give Alexa the expensive lifestyle to which she is accustomed — treating Brennon like his economically underprivileged childhood was an inconvenience rather than a lived experience that could inform his present circumstances — which is a very straight attitude.

In conclusion, this show needs to get its shit together and make an all-lesbian season already! Logistically it would be impossible but I don’t care, men have been to the moon, women deserve a shot at the pods.

19 Lesbian Cultural Practices Appropriated By “Love Is Blind”

Did this tweet inspire me to watch Love Is Blind last week and then immediately begin screencapping it for an Autostraddle post? It did.

Before anyone suggests lesbo Love Is Blind, let’s be clear that processing all your emotions in 72 hours, followed by an extended weekend first date, leading to moving in and planning your wedding for 3 weeks later already IS the default lesbian experience. #loveisblindfinale

— Alice Wu 伍思薇 (@thatalicewu) February 28, 2020

Because yes, as also noted in yesterday’s landmark essay “Love Is Blind” Is Basically a Lesbian Reality Show for Straight People — and I Can’t Get Enough of It, this is what we’re dealing with here: women who date women are more likely than any other sexual orientation group to meet their partner online, sight unseen, develop an intense emotional connection, meet up for a whirlwind romantic weekend in an appropriately sexual but undoubtedly isolated location, and then immediately move in together. Watching these heterosexuals dive head-first into relationships they’re convinced must be true love just because they essentially texted all night for four days was nothing short of banal. Whomst among us has not done precisely that? The question is are straight people okay and the answer is, not really. [Also, the Diamond / Carlton situation is actually too serious to be part of a jokey post like this one, but I recommend this piece by our very own Rachel Charlene Lewis over at Bitch Magazine.]

Shall we begin to discuss how, exactly, this show stole our culture? I AM.

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1. Falling In Love With Her Without Ever Having Seen Her

2. Sharing All Your Trauma Within 24 Hours of Meeting

3. The Ceremonial Meeting of the Girlfriends at the Airport

You’ve seen it in a million YouTube videos of YouTube girlfriends who have since broken up. You’ve done it yourself. She has flowers. You have a very heavy backpack. You kiss for the first time. You squeeze hands. You pledge eternal devotion. Her hair smells incredible.

4. Being So Excited Your Internet Girlfriend is Objectively Hot That You Don’t Really Think About If You Are Personally Attracted To Them

At first…

Shortly thereafter…

5. U-Hauling

6. 2 Bottoms, 1 Relationship

Kelly! Kelly and Kenny. Has there ever been a cuter set of names for a lesbian couple? There has not been. Unfortunately, these two humans are never going to bone.

7. Having to Hang Out With Your Exes All The Time

8. Having Horse Friends

9. Being a Kinsey 5

Okay so disclaimer: Kelly doesn’t really give off gay vibes or any interest in women, but her messaging about men is very much on a Kinsey 5 level. Sure, Kelly’s into men. But only like — REALLY REALLY HOT MEN WHO FIT A VERY SPECIFIC TYPE? And also, she’s never really connected emotionally to any of her exes? And also… didn’t receive the pleasure she desired from having sex with them, so?

10. Being a  Tomboy Who Spends $200 On One Trip To Ulta

11. Adding Your May-December Relationship To The Cannon of Celebrity May-December Relationships

12. Your Friends Thinking You’re Crazy To Marry Someone You Just Met, You Thinking They Just Don’t Understand the Depths of Your Connection

[…]

[…]

But listen….

13. Reminding Everybody That She Said One Time She Wanted to Marry You and Therefore Her Eventual Rejection Of You Was Not an Actual Rejection But Just Her Being Bananas and Blinded By Lust for Amber

and then…

and again…

14. Shane / Carmen / Jenny Love Triangle

Remember when Carmen dated Jenny seemingly just for the good sex, romantic attention, and the fact that Jenny lived with Shane and therefore Carmen could keep being around Shane while kinda still pursuing and crushing on Shane and also being obsessed with Shane’s downward spiral?

[…]

[…]

15. Getting Engaged After Dating For One (1) Week

16. Fighting About Her Parents Not Knowing About Your Relationship

17. Cosplay

18. Wanting To Play Her “You Belong With Me” On Your Ukulele

19. Brutally Breaking Up With Someone While Telling Them They Should Be Okay With It Because It’s Your Emotional Truth and You’re Just Being True to Yourself and It’s All For The Best and Your Therapist and Sister Agree With You, So

“Love Is Blind” Is Basically a Lesbian Reality Show for Straight People — and I Can’t Get Enough of It

Our first date lasted six hours. As the bar got louder and more crowded, my focus on her sharpened, blurring everything else around me. We talked about our careers, upbringings, past relationships, and what our alternate universe selves were doing that very moment. Two dates later, Melissa wanted to know what I was looking for and I told her, a little sheepishly, that I was looking for a partner I could share my life with. Exactly one month after our first date, I was relieved to tell Melissa I loved her because I physically couldn’t contain it any longer. A month after that, we were talking about marriage.

This is a textbook case of U-Hauling. If I was a professor of Lesbian Stereotypes 101, I would use my own relationship as a case study. Now before you get your TomboyXs twisted over the casual stereotyping (see what I did there), let me address that yes, while many lesbian couples did move in together often to avoid questioning in the ‘50s and ‘60s, research has since proven what many of us know to be true: the U-Haul stereotype is outdated. Queer couples are no more likely to move in together quickly than straight couples who share other qualities like age range and education level.

Why, then, do I identify so hard with this stereotype? My guess is that, for better or worse, most women — myself 100% included — have been conditioned not to shy away from emotional labor. And despite the many obvious negative consequences of this, I think there are some advantages for queer women in particular. It makes sense that we’d want to get everything on the table as soon as possible when auditioning life partners. I want to make sure we’re a solid match in a vacuum if there’s any chance of us being a solid match out in a harsh, judgmental world. Because once I make it through the heavy-conversation gauntlet still attracted to you, I feel empowered to take on the entire shitty world with you.

This is essentially the premise of Love Is Blind, the Netflix original reality series in which participants have hours-long, emotionally-intensive talks in adjoining “pods” before meeting face-to-face and going on a batshit race to the altar. If you’ve watched a single moment of this show, then you already know it’s the newest unregulated, highly addictive reality series drug to hit the market. Hosted by Nick and Vanessa Lachey, the show is billed as a “social experiment” instead of a data-fueled hybrid of The Bachelor and Married At First Sight. It’s emotional manipulation on steroids.

As you already know or correctly assumed, all of the participants in the Love Is Blind “experiment” are overwhelmingly heterosexual — with the exception of one supremely uncomfortable bisexual man. They do a lot of straight-people things like wear gowns and heels to literal blind dates and exclaim things like, “I’ve never talked so much about my emotions in my life!” The physical walls between them allow for… you guessed it… emotional walls to come down. By the end of the second episode, straights are U-Hauling left and right. We watch six couples get engaged and apparently there were two more engaged couples who landed on the cutting room floor.

In the midst of our white-knuckled binge, my girlfriend and I found ourselves in the awkward position of relating to the words-first approach of the initial set-up. We met on Lex when it was still Personals, a simple Instagram account featuring personals ads from queers around the world. I saw Melissa’s ad and connected right away with her message about remembering a time before Amazon Prime and unapologetically eating meat. I didn’t have any clue what she looked like, but I was down. (Full disclosure: I did check out her profile about five seconds later and discovered she was hot as heck.)

I think there’s so much to be gained by connecting through words first. Words act as a speed bump for split-second judgments that may not even reflect our true desires or values. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve swiped left on people who may have been a fit personality-wise but didn’t fit whatever “vision” I had appearance-wise. So, when the Love Is Blind couples forge intimacy through candid conversations, it feels like there’s a little nugget of hope emerging from the dumpster fire. It feels like maybe the straights are going to be okay.

Then they get out of the pods and shit gets real crazy, real fast. The structure of the show rears its contrived head and the couples are essentially forced to get engaged, go on a “pre-honeymoon,” move in together, and hang out with each other’s families. 34-year-old social marketing manager Carlton blames his fiancé Diamond for not reacting perfectly when he reveals he’s bisexual (even though he had plenty of opportunities to bring it up in the pods). Then he throws his ring into the bushes and they both leave the show. 34-year-old tech salesperson Jessica discovers she’s more physically attracted to the guy who rejected her than the guy she picked. 26-year-old ex-tank mechanic Amber reveals she’s deep in debt. 29-year-old scientist Cameron raps for way too long in front of his potential mother-in-law while his fiancé cringes (editor’s note: my girlfriend disagrees, but it looked like a cringe to me). Jessica lets her golden retriever drink red wine straight out of her glass to the horror of everyone.

You’d think these ups and downs would send everyone running for the hills, but no. All five of the remaining couples end up walking down the aisle. In a shocking twist, 25-year-old business owner Giannina confesses her love at the altar for her fiance, Damian, despite telling him just weeks before, “You know how you tell me this is the best sex of your life? Have you noticed that I don’t return the compliment?” Yikes. Amber gets absolutely wasted at the girls’ group bachelorette party, threatens to fight Jessica if she comes for her man, and cries tears of joy in the parking lot outside the bar. Then the morning of the wedding comes and she’s not sure if her fiance, Barnett, will show. If you haven’t watched Love Is Blind, I’ll let you find out for yourself who actually ends up saying “I do.” But if one thing is clear by the final episode, it’s that the emotionally charged conversations at the beginning of the show were compelling enough to carry these couples through the emotional rollercoaster that followed.

Why? It’s easy to delude yourself into thinking there’s nothing left to learn about your partner after you’ve covered so many topics so exhaustively. It can be quite the surprise to realize there’s always more to discover about someone no matter how many hours you spend cataloging your hopes, dreams, and childhood traumas. My own relationship is again another great example. Less than two months into our relationship — after we’d confessed our love and before we both semi-seriously proposed — Melissa and I took a road trip to Big Sur. We planned to work through the 36-question relationship quiz popularized by the NY Times Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” But 30 minutes into our three-hour drive, we’d burned through them all and had to find something else to talk about. We’d already discussed every single question at length on our own. We laughed and judged all the couples who date for six months before going that deep.

Now we look back on that trip and joke about how we didn’t even know each other. Because the hard truth is you kind of need time to get to know someone — shocking! But had we not confirmed our shared values early on in the relationship, I don’t know that we would’ve been able to continue building trust in one another as new variables entered the mix. We found incredible value in having all those details straight and tough questions answered before moving on to the more difficult phase of stitching our lives together. As evidenced by Love Is Blind, love flourishes in a vacuum. But to have a healthy, long-term relationship outside of that vacuum, we had to be able to reference that foundation through distractions like passive-aggressive family members, hard-to-impress friends, and the toxic wasteland that is Twitter.

Ultimately, if there is anything positive to salvage from Love Is Blind, it’s that we should be more lesbian. We deserve to feel safe having deep, emotionally intense conversations no matter where we fall on the gender or sexual spectrum. Who knows, we might just save ourselves a lot of time and heartbreak.