Lip Service Episode 206 Recap: A Final-Feeling Finale

Hey, there’s that theme song again. I’m not sure I’ll miss it. But I’ll miss the mood it puts me in: the feeling that something pretty fascinating is right around the corner. Don’t go, Lip Service!

This time the fascinating thing is Sam, washing her face and wetting her hair and staring into the mirror as if she doesn’t quite recognize herself.

My girlfriend yells, “Pull yourself together!” — and that will turn out to be the first of many such utterances. I second that; there is no part of me that prefers off-the-rails Sam to on-the-ball Sam. But I don’t have a lot of hope for her speedy reassembly, partly because while I was writing this paragraph, I paused the playback in a spot that made this scene look like something out of Black Swan.

Also, for a minute there I thought this was the mirror against which Sam banged that hapless victim last week, but it’s not. So maybe there’s some hope after all.

At the TriSexA flat, Sadie and Lexy are having breakfast. There’s coffee and yogurt (sorry, yoghurt) and milk and … well, way more smiles than we’re used to seeing around this particular gateleg table.

Lexy looks very Archie comics in that screenshot. She’s the female Reggie!

Tess emerges from her room, in a typical Tess-y tizzy.

Lexy: Here she is, the actress.
Tess: Don’t. I think I’m going to be sick. How could it be opening night already?

Oh, I know this one: it’s because there are only six episodes in the season and everything’s at warp speed and you go faster and faster until all the faces stretch in that weird plasticky creepy way and you slip through a wormhole into a different universe.

Tess: Last night, I actually had the dream. I was on stage naked —
Sadie: Cheeky Chekhov.
Tess: — and I just … I froze. 450 people staring at my lady garden, waiting for the show to start.

Lexy chuckles and tells Tess she’ll be “fine.” I don’t know, Lexy: I like your steady, laid-back aura, but I think you could have done better than “fine.”

Ed shows up with a good-luck card for Tess. Lexy has a gift for Tess too: a “first-night survival kit.” Tess is very, very pleased with this. Too pleased. Lexy tells her not to open it until she gets to the theater, and Tess makes another goofy face. Just when you think you’ve seen every one of Tess’s thirty-six expressions, another one pops up.

Tess distributes tickets for the show: one for Ed, one for Sadie, one for Lexy, one for… she pauses as if she’s thinking, “Wait, wasn’t there someone else here once? Maybe even more than one someone?”

Ed asks whether anyone has spoken to Sam (no one has), and asks Lexy whether she’s been running with Sam. After Lexy says no to this question, Tess goes off to take a shower. And then Lexy seems to go into a sort of fugue.

Ed: Anyone you want to bring? It’s not like I’ve got much chance of meeting someone by tonight.
Lexy: (distantly and dreamily) Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
Ed: So there is someone?
Lexy: (still murmuring distantly) Yeah. (suddenly waking up) I mean, no. Er… they won’t want a ticket.

Uh, that was weird. And hey, Lexy, you don’t need to use the gender-neutral “they” with your friends. Much like Bea’s husband, THEY KNOW.

Yeah, I realize the point is that Lexy is considering her options and trying to decide whether to pursue Tess. But who would just mumble that stuff at the breakfast table? Ah, exposition. It’s a tricky beast.

Sadie takes the extra ticket because, as she puts it, she’s “the only one likely to be gettin’ any later.” I don’t know why, but when Sadie says such wonderfully Sadie-rific things, I feel safe and warm and happy. Sadie snark is a hug!

I guess I haven’t said much about the interstitial shots of Glasgow. They’re lovely and they make me want to go to there. The light and water are breathtaking sometimes, and the city streets seem to have just the right amount of bustle.

But we’re actually still pretty much in the same scene, though perhaps half an hour later. Tess is showing Lexy her potential dress for the after-show party.

Tess: I don’t know if I’ve got the legs.
Lexy: Are you kidding? You have great legs!

Tess somehow manages not to squee at this. Lexy tries to take her leave, but Tess stops her to thank her for being such a supportive friend (and also to ask for a little more support).

Tess: God, I hope I don’t make a tit of myself.
Lexy: (fondly) You’re always making a tit of yourself.

And then Lexy leans in to kiss Tess on the cheek, but Tess turns ever so slightly to the side and it becomes a squirmy awkward not-lip not-cheek not-meaningless kiss.

Tess saves the moment with her typical adorkableness:

Tess: OK, uh, OK. (thinking, scrambling for something to say) That’s a… a really nice lip balm you’re wearing. What is it?
Lexy: It’s a medicated Chapstick.
Tess: Right. Sexy!

Aww, Tess. Must you have such extreme puppy-dog eyes as you watch Lexy go out the door? Don’t break your own heart!

Outside, Lexy stops. She stands in the middle of the pavement, not going left, not going right. It feels like a continuation of that earlier fugue — maybe she’s being remote-controlled by someone. It’s The Manchurian Candidate, but without all the playing cards and Communists.

Ed and Tess are killing time. Tess worries about the fact that Lexy “actually knows” Vanya. Does anybody really know Vanya? Even though I’ve read it a few times and seen it a couple of times, I still can’t say I “know” it. That’s how I feel about all Chekhov plays: they’re beautiful, and they move me, but if I try to summarize them, I end up saying vague things about the country vs. the city, the inevitable march of progress, the anguish of unrequited love, the curative power of hard work, and something about forests and farms and orchards. Also, there’s always a doctor, a samovar, and that infamous gun.

Ed tries to reassure Tess:

Tess: What if I’m rubbish?
Ed: I’m sure she won’t tell you if you are.
Tess: Thanks, Ed.

Heh. I’m sure she wouldn’t, though! I speak from experience, because I was in that position last year: we went to a preview of a new off-Broadway show and had to pretend not to hate it because my partner’s former co-worker had a fairly sizable role in it. When he asked whether we liked it, we said sideways things, such as “You were the best part!” — which wasn’t actually a lie. And anyway, he didn’t need us to tell him how abysmal the thing was: it closed after only 7 performances. I’m sure your Sonya won’t be that bad, Tess!

Ed’s not sure why Tess is so worried. And then it dawns on him.

Ed: Ohhhh. You fancy her!
Tess: No, I don’t!
Ed: Yes, you do!
Tess: OK… I just don’t know if she likes me or not. I mean, I think she might, but you know what I’m like. I’m just crap at picking up on these things.
Ed: She did mention someone.
Tess: Really? Who?
Ed: Just someone, but they didn’t need a ticket to the show.
Tess: Oh, great. So it’s someone who’s going to the show.
Ed: Or…

Tess: Or someone who’s IN the show. I am someone who’s in the show! I mean, do you think she meant me?
Ed: (teasing) Or Nora. (sincerely) Why didn’t you tell me that you liked her?
Tess: I just felt weird, carrying on like normal without Cat around.

We all did. Wait, “did”? Are we using past tense already?

Tess decides she can’t wait to open her first-night survival kit from Lexy. It’s “a little something for before and after the show.” The “after” is champagne, and the “before” is Immodium. They giggle. The whole thing is sort of dorky but mostly sweet — just like Ed and Tess themselves.

Sam is on her way to work. And look, now we know which way Lexy decided to go, after her moment of indecision on the pavement: right toward Sam.

Sam: What do you want?
Lexy: Not the warmest welcome I’ve ever had.
Sam: Well, I’m late.
Lexy: Um, I won’t hold you up. Look… I just need you to know that you were wrong.
Sam: (scoffing) There’s nothing new there.
Lexy: I really, um… I really didn’t know about Cat and Frankie.
Sam: You want an apology? Is that why you’re here? (with mock sincerity) I’m very sorry. OK?
Lexy: Might want to work on the whole apology thing. That level of sincerity, it’s a bit overpowering. Look, I get it. You want to deal with this on your own. I understand. I’ll leave you alone. But if you ever need someone, you’ve got my number.

It certainly does seem like Sam has Lexy’s number. If you catch my drift. But I can’t take much more of mean Sam: she’s very cold and almost hateful. I guess that could be fully realistic for a cop — they see so much of the worst of human nature all the time — but it still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for the Sam we knew before Cat’s death. Even when she was angry, she was honest and careful and tried to make the best of things. Now she’s more like Son of Sam than Sam.

At the hospital, Lexy gets a text. She seems sort of irritated when she hears the beep, but then she smiles when she sees it’s from Tess: “Bring valium! I’m going in!!!!” Lexy texts back: “You don’t need drugs. You’ll nail it.”

Lexy’s smile suggests some real fondness for Tess, and maybe even an awareness that Tess is clearly the better choice in terms of niceness and sweetness and happiness and fun — which may not be the better choice for Lexy at all. And which makes me want to say, “Poop.”

At the police station, Sam is late — I guess she wasn’t kidding about that part. Ryder asks her to present the details of an imminent raid, the culmination of “Operation Beehive.” Surely a raid with that name should be presented by John Waters.

Sam can barely get through the briefing; she’s twitchy and her voice is shaking. At one point she seems to freeze, so Ryder takes over.

Ryder finds Sam afterward and wonders whether she’s all right. She shrugs and insists she’s fine.

Meanwhile, at The Space, Sadie pretends to work while Jo and Lauren argue. It seems Lauren has forgotten about something Jo told her about weeks ago. Sadie, you’re far too delighted by this marital discord.

As Lauren leaves, she squeezes Sadie’s hand and delivers a message.

Lauren: I’ll be there about 3-ish.
Sadie: The eagle has landed?

This phrase can be used in lots of ways; I think Sadie is mocking Lauren’s cloak-and-dagger manner. Let’s think up some fun code phrases based on Lip Service! “The begonias have been delivered”; “The bracelet has been inscribed”; “The daughter has been disowned”; “The ketamine has been snorted”; “The cheese has been pilfered”; “The mortuary greeter has been Frankied”; “The lady-mound has been rubbed.”

Jo is right on Lauren’s heels, and she takes the hand that so recently held Sadie’s. This is a mess, and I’m starting to worry about Sadie’s not-so-hardened heart.

At the theater, the Vanya cast is making final preparations for the big night. Tess is startled to see Nora sitting smugly in the front row, as if she’s Simon Cowell — or, better yet, Zach or Mr. Granziger.

I wonder which theater that is? The candyfloss color scheme is very striking.

Nora goes up to the stage to have a heart-to-heart with Tess: she wants to “clear the air” about Ed. You’d expect her to say something about the “self-centered bitch” comment from last week, but no, she’s not even going to acknowledge that. Instead, Nora explains to Tess that Ed is so caught up in his geekery, he doesn’t understand “real women.” Tess gives her the most hilarious fake sympathy look.

The geekery thing is why Nora “just had to finish it with him.” Yes, Nora is saying that she broke up with Ed, when it was very clearly the other way around. Tess, who is drinking water as Nora says this, almost does a spit take in response to the poppycock. Actually, why didn’t she? More physical comedy from Tess next season! (I am pretending it’s going to happen. Don’t take that away from me just yet.)

Tess goes right to Hugh’s dressing room to tell him about Nora’s delusions, and of course to get some support for her Lexy lust. But Hugh is drowning his own sorrows: his wife wants a divorce. Tess tries to shore him up (and take away his flask), but he’s despondent. Hugh’s storyline hasn’t been much fun. Remember when he was the sadder-but-wiser aging actor, rather than the desperate, drunken cuckold? Sigh.

At the hospital, Lexy tells Declan she went to see Sam.

Lexy: Why do I always do it? Why do I let myself get sucked in?
Declan: ‘Cause you’re too nice.
Lexy: What was I thinking? I was imagining there was some kind of connection between us — when her girlfriend just died.

I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to giggle at that, but Lexy’s sarcasm and self-mockery made me do it.

Declan tells her not to waste any more energy on Sam.

Declan: Go for Tess. She’s funny, she’s hot, and the two of you get on great.
Lexy: Maybe I will. I’m sick of falling into the same old patterns. I find someone who’s a bit damaged, I put them back together, and when they’re all mended…
Declan: They fuck off.
Lexy: How about someone actually wanting me, for a change?

Arrrggh. Now we know it’s not going to happen: it seems that on Lip Service, a character must never choose a happy, healthy partner when a dark, dramatic one is available.

Lip Service Episode 205 Recap: Perfect on Paper

Oh, no. You know you’re in for some drama when this is the first thing you see in the episode:

A photo of Cat and Sam! The bracelet Frankie gave Cat! And Cat’s notebook and her lipstick and her whatever other stuff and … her grieving partner.

Sam furrows her brow and thinks and tries to be her usual stoic self. But then she glances at a photo of The Gang: Jay, Frankie, Cat, Tess, and Ed (and let me just point out that more than half of them are no longer on the show). Surely she’s comparing this photo to the couple photo in the opening shot, and surely that way madness lies.

The phone rings. It’s Lexy, because she is a psychic doctor who knows Sam needs rescuing from her own terrible thoughts. Actually, she’s just waiting for Sam to join her for their usual morning run.

Lexy: (on the phone) Hey, just wondering if you’re still on for our run; I’m just on the bridge. (sighing) Uh… look, about the other night. We can get back from it, can’t we? (pauses) You know what? I’m hanging up. You’re probably already on your way.

Sam doesn’t answer the phone. Which I think is pretty much an answer to that last question.

At the TriSexA flat, Sadie is yawning and scratching like a kitten. Yeah, maybe I have a teeny crush. Actually, it’s not a crush at all: it’s a sincere, profound appreciation for the much-needed comic relief she brings week after week.

Tess is surprised to see Sadie so bright and early in the morning.

Tess: Whoa! I thought you melted in daylight.

We’ve all been making the vampire joke for weeks now, Tess! But it made me chuckle anyway.

But Sadie has a good reason for being so bushy-tailed: Lauren is due back from a business trip.

Tess: Oh. Cue rampant sex-fest.
Sadie: You’ve got the makeup artist.
Tess: Um, I didn’t sleep with her, thankyouverymuch.
Sadie: Oh yeah. How is the old bacterial hydritis?

I heart the funny banter and the fond nostalgia for what may turn out to be the best scene ever on this show. Stand and deliver!

Tess is on her laptop during all this; it seems Lady-Mound Meg is all over her wall (as in Facebook or something similar). I put that parenthetical in there for the two people who have been living under a Luddite rock and yet somehow are still reading this recap.

Tess wants to know when she can meet Sadie’s sugar mama.

Sadie: If you come to see me at work, you’ll get to meet her wife.
Tess: She’s with someone?!
Sadie: Yeah.
Tess: I don’t… I don’t reckon I could be in a love triangle. Be always, like, wondering what was going on in the other corners.
Sadie: Yeah, well, I’m not. Lauren’s really into me, so…

On this show, saying someone’s really into you is the equivalent of being Wile E. Coyote and ordering some TNT from ACME.

There’s a knock. It’s Sam and her pain. I’m not sure they’ll be able to fit through the door.

Sam makes sure Lexy’s not home, then stomps in like Bad Bart stomping into a saloon with his spurs jangling.

Sam gives Sadie a glare and doesn’t respond when Tess offers tea or coffee. She attacks Tess:

Sam: I know about Cat and Frankie. You knew too, didn’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. How long? (Tess looks at Sadie) Don’t look at her. Look at me. So when did it start?
Tess: Honestly, I don’t know.
Sadie: Don’t reckon it ever really stopped. You know what those two were like.
Sam: Are you all right with that?
Sadie: Didn’t have much of a choice, did I?

Tess insists that she “only found out the day Cat died” and has been feeling very guilty. (I still find it difficult to type “Cat died” and suchlike.)

Sam tells Tess to “grow up” — whuh? — and Sadie does her Sadie-rific thing:

Sadie: What was she supposed to do? Make an announcement at the funeral?
Sam: (to Tess) You should’ve been straight with me.
Sadie: Oh, yeah, ’cause that would’ve made losing Cat a lot easier.
Sam: It would’ve made me feel less of a foolish idiot.

Eeek! Sam is very scary in this scene. I know I didn’t say much about how pushy/assaulty she was with Lexy last week, but that’s because I was in denial. Now it’s pretty hard to deny.

Lexy arrives to save the day. That seems to be kind of her thing; maybe she’s really a Powerpuff Girl? She tells Sam to back off because this has nothing to do with Tess. Sam can’t stop lashing out; she asks Lexy whether she knew too but doesn’t even give her a chance to answer. Sam storms out. Lexy calls after her, but it’s no use.

Lexy, Tess, and Sadie embody a range of reactions to Sam’s knife-edge state of mind. Lexy looks half-scared, half-angry as she plops onto the couch and falls silent. Tess fidgets and shifts on her feet, stunned, and wonders whether Sam is going to be OK. And Sadie, relaxed, one knee tucked under, takes it all in with her droll gimlet eye:

Sadie: Look, I feel sorry for her and everything, but there’s only two people to blame for this mess. And, well, neither of them are here anymore, so…

I’ll forgive you the grammar mistake, because that was simple truth. Preach!

Tess wants to go after Sam, but Lexy urges her to “leave it.” We don’t have this “leave it” expression in America, except with respect to dogs. Pity.

Tess goes off to get dressed instead. Sadie teases Lexy and tells her she’s “even more of a hero now” to Tess. Lexy resists the idea.

Sadie: Oh, come on. She’s like a little puppy around you.
Lexy: No, she’s not.
Sadie: Trust me, one of these mornings, you’ll wake up and she’ll be there, licking your face. Or something a bit further down.

The term “lovable scamp” was probably invented for Sadie.

An indeterminate number of hours later, Lexy and Tess are at a diner (I guess it’s called a cafe in the UK). They try to call Sam, but she’s not answering. Tess wants to leave a message, but Lexy knows Sam needs some space.

Speaking of space and not getting it, Nora and Ed waltz in. Nora wants to know how Tess is feeling, what with the bacterial hyrditis and all.

Tess: Oh, I think um… I think I’ve managed to shake it off.

But you haven’t managed to shake Nora off, have you, Tess? She wants to know when you’re going to see Meg again. Tess says she plans to focus on Chekhov for the time being. I wonder if I can use that as an excuse for other things in life? “Sorry, I can’t come to the baby shower; I’m focusing on Chekhov.”

Nora won’t be deterred.

Nora: If there’s one thing the years in this business we call show has taught me, is that there’s nothing — NOTHING — improves a performance more than great sex.

What is this, the anti-grammar episode? Years have. It’s child’s play. But I give Sinead Keenan props for the way she delivered the line “this business we call show.” Very alternate-universe Megan Hilty again.

Nora gets up to get coffees. Ed, apparently a purveyor of the aforementioned “great sex” (ew), sits down and questions the bacterial hydritis thing. Lexy jokes that it’s great for “getting rid of unwanted houseguests.” Ed’s not amused, so Lexy gets up to pay. Sit down, stand up; this scene is like whack-a-mole.

Tess asks Ed not to mention Meg again.

Tess: It was a blind date gone bad. End of.

End of! Why don’t I use these excellent British phrases more often?

Lexy comes back briefly to talk about an invite from Ed: it’s a book signing at a sci-fi shop, for one of Ed’s agent’s other clients. Tess mocks it at first, but when Lexy express interest in going, Tess has a change of heart. Lexy notices this about-face and looks a bit concerned, but she doesn’t get to think about it for long because Ed is wondering whether Sam might want to go too. No, Ed: do not invite the Hulk. Did you see The Avengers? Hulk always want to SMASH.

Cut to Lexy, on her way to work. Smiling. Strolling. Being followed by a tall, angry-looking ginger-haired man. HE KNOWS!

At The Space, aka Jo Glass’s gallery, aka the workplace of the wife of Sadie’s corner of the love triangle, there’s some new work to price. This is reminding me a little of the gallery stuff in Kissing Jessica Stein. That is a very good movie if you don’t watch the whole thing.

Anyway, Jo is cute.

Sadie pretends be impressed by the new stuff. Jo tells Sadie that it’s Monica McCarthy, which only makes me think of a weird mix of Melissa McCarthy and Monica from Friends.

Sadie asks Jo about the art on the wall at her place. Odd question, but Jo rolls with it. She says they have a few things, but Lauren’s mostly into pop art. Sadie tries to sow some seeds of discontent.

Sadie: Artistic differences?
Jo: Not really.

Sorta like sticking your hand into weepy cheese, eh Sadie?

Jo hands Sadie a price list and leaves her to it. Sadie marvels at the exorbitant prices (£20,000 or more).

I think I’d happily pay £20 for a print of Sadie’s gape-mouthed disbelief, because it’s rare for her to lose her vampire veneer.

At the hospital, Bea greets Lexy. But Lexy just wants to mope about Sam.

Lexy: Remind me next time I fall for someone that there’s no such thing as a perfect woman.
Bea: I have heard those ones you inflate are quite low-maintenance.
Lexy: (laughing) You’re a little puddle of sanity in the ocean of dysfunction that is my life right now.

Aaaand you’ve just doomed yourself to whatever is worse than an ocean of dysfunction. A tsunami, I guess? Hurricane Bea?

They kiss. And then again. They lock the door.

Back at the gallery, Sadie is hanging squares of red and blue and wondering how they can fetch such high prices. Enter Lauren, who also knows how to fetch high prices but is much less square.

Sadie: Are you ignoring me?
Lauren: No more than I would any random receptionist.

Whoa! Meanie.

Sadie reminds Lauren that she was recently unemployed and this “decent job” is no small thing to her. She’s not going to screw it up by telling the boss she’s “fucking her wife.” Lauren says that’s “fucked,” past tense. I’m not sure your grammar skills are strong enough to quell your libido, Lauren.

Jo and Lauren leave; as they’re walking out, Sadie texts Lauren: “I want to touch u.” Lauren gets the text and glares back at Sadie, not very encouragingly. Sadie, when you text an editor, you should spell out “you.”

At the hospital, Lexy is trying to figure out why Sam is ignoring her calls. Declan figures it’s because Lexy “knocked Sam back” the other night. Oh, you mean when Sam was out of her mind with despair and kept pushing herself on Lexy? Is that rejection or self-defense?

Lexy: I don’t want to be a rebound fuck.
Declan: Hey, a fuck’s a fuck’s a fuck.

And a Declan’s an ass’s ass. Gertrude Stein is turning in her grave.

Lexy has other opportunities for fucking anyway:

Lexy: Apparently my flatmate fancies me.
Declan: Oh. Is she hot?
Lexy: I don’t know. Never thought about it. (thinks) Yeah, I guess she is.

She said that the way someone says “Yeah, I guess I should get the oil changed on my car.”

Lexy sighs and says she really liked Sam, but Declan thinks she really just wanted to save Sam. Maybe. But I don’t ever like to give him credit for any sort of insight. It’s always more like in-sheit.

Back at the gallery, Lauren is still not answering Sadie’s texts. And Sadie is bored; she’s spinning and rolling in her chair. A bored Sadie is a very dangerous thing!

Yep, that didn’t take long: She suddenly knocks over her coffee, right onto one of those pricey paintings. A white one. All white. A field of pristine, clean white, now sullied by java. She tries to wipe off the coffee, which of course makes an even bigger mess. Sadie! Yet another sticky wicket.

Back at the hospital, the frowny-faced ginger guy is still following Lexy. This should be frightening, but it’s not. Tip for would-be menaces: don’t wear a checked shirt. This guy’s look is more Home Depot than homicidal.

Tess is getting a costume fitting. She’s excited to get to wear a costume that “isn’t made of foam rubber and doesn’t have eyeholes.” Awww, remember that whole thing, with Ed and Tess dressed as fizzy drinks and Tess flirting with Lou? Seems like a different show. Probably because it was.

Hugh and Tess talk about Lexy. Tess wishes Lexy hadn’t met Meg, because she might think that’s the “type of women” Tess goes for. What type is that again? Is there a Princess Ladymound section of the personals?

Nora brings Tess some lunch, on the house. Tess and Hugh are mystified by this friendly gesture. But they don’t talk about it for long because Hugh is also mesmerized by the costumer’s “spectacular jugs.” Hugh is one of those sad-sack guys you can’t help but root for, even though he just wouldn’t be Hugh if he were to suddenly have a free and easy life.

Lip Service Episode 204 Recap: Royal Lady Mounds

Ed and Tess are having breakfast. Lexy is stretching. Go ahead, take a minute to form a mental picture of that last part. Or just look at this:

That image will certainly be burned on Tess’s brain for a while to come: she’s staring so hard, she might sprain something. But Ed is ruining the moment for all of us by going on about how nice it is to fall asleep in Nora’s arms. Really? Her?

Ed says Nora is helping him realize that life is still worth living. I suppose she deserves some credit for that. But Tess isn’t about to encourage this little love connection.

Ed: You’ve got Nora all wrong. She’s great. She really likes you.
Tess: What’s she like with the people she hates?
Ed: It was her idea that I bring you breakfast today.
Tess: Why?
Ed: Because she feels really bad that I’m taking her to this film awards thing tonight instead of you.
Tess: Whaaaaat!

It seems Ed actually invited Tess to the film awards thing months ago. Well, that’s pretty shabby. Also, Ed, Nora is going to dump you the minute you don’t cast her in the film of your book. Not that you’ll have any control over the casting anyway — didn’t you see Mulholland Drive? Hmm. That started with a car crash too. I hope Coco the crazy landlady shows up later.

In another idyllic setting that is apparently the sort of thing Glaswegians see every day, Sam and Lexy are racing up a hill.

They take a break to catch their breath and each other’s eye. Lexy tries to appear nonchalant as she pretty much asks Sam out:

Lexy: Hey, I um, I got these tickets to this, uh, wine tasting thing tonight. One of the consultants couldn’t go, so he gave them to me.
Sam: Right …

If by “right” you mean “we all knew this was coming,” I agree, but I’m still nervous and slightly giddy about it anyway. There’s just so much chemistry between these two (though my better half thinks that’s all Heather Peace — that she has chemistry with everyone. Very possible).

Sam: I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll give you a call later.
Lexy: Yeah, no, cool, I mean, no pressure.

That’s cool, baby. I mean, you know how it is … rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot.

Sam jogs off and Lexy hurries to catch up with her. I don’t know whether I want this whole thing to happen. I mean, it’s so soon after Cat’s death, but at the same time, I kinda want to move on as a viewer. I’m so conflicted! Hold me, Heather Peace!

As Lexy arrives back at the flat, Tess is making herself presentable. Too bad Lexy can’t see that Tess is just as besotted with her as she is with Sam. And yet somehow this whole thing could never be the sort of love triangle that Sam-Cat-Frankie was. There’s just not enough angst for that.

Tess: How’s Sam?
Lexy: Oh, I dunno. She doesn’t give much away.
Tess: I’ve been meaning to call her. Ask her for a drink or something, but I just …
Sam: Got nothing at all in common with her?
Tess: Except maybe Cat. I mean, I guess not. It’s great you’re spending time with her, though.

Tess. Do you really think Lexy’s urge to spend time with Sam is magnanimous and altruistic? Try libidinous and hedonistic. Now would be a good time for Fin to come back and kick a soccer ball at your head to knock some sense into you.

Lexy gives Tess a comforting little pat as she walks by. To Tess, every little expression of affection is pretty much a proposal. I am starting to feel very concerned for her open, vulnerable heart.

Tess tries her own version of nonchalant not-asking-out:

Tess: Hey, are you doing anything later? Do you wanna go to the pub, or …?

Lexy can’t go, of course. She explains that she’s taking Sam to a wine tasting “just to get her out of the house,” and pretends to be sad that she doesn’t have more than two tickets. Tess claims she doesn’t mind because she’s got “loads of lines to learn.” Yes, but when will you learn to read between the lines?

Sadie, always on hand when you need to break some tension (or just break some shit), strolls by and half-apologizes to Lexy for borrowing her laptop “again.” Oh, no no no no: eating your flatmate’s yogurt or making a mess during condiment sex is merely annoying compared to the heinous crime of borrowing your flatmate’s laptop. Unacceptable!

But Lexy doesn’t seem to care; she just wants to know what Sadie’s up to.

Lexy: More job applications?
Sadie: No, I’ve written an article. Going to see if I can get it published. Save me from my temping nightmare.
Tess: You should’ve got Ed to read it.
Sadie: Oh, no, it’s all right; I’ve already got an in at Minus 21 magazine.
Lexy: How come?
Sadie: I fucked the editor.

There’s an implicit “duh” in the way Sadie says that. Yes, she’s immoral and narcissistic and childish, but she amuses me. And I’ll take that wherever I can get it, especially over car accidents and sudden departures.

I also think Sadie is sorta like Spike on Buffy. Can’t you imagine her saying “I don’t care what happens” — to just about anything?

At the police station, Sam is re-creating Office Space.

Sam: (to Ryder) Have you nicked my stapler again?

Ryder does indeed have the aforementioned stapler, which doesn’t appear to be a red Swingline. He also has something much more interesting: Cat’s possessions, which have been “released from the scene.” Perhaps that’s what we should say about Cat herself: she’s been released from the scene. All the scenes.

Ryder wants to know whether Sam wants Cat’s things, or whether he should give them to Cat’s parents. If it means Mrs. Hughes will come back on the show, then I vote for the latter. Also because I don’t want Sam’s heart to break all over again when she sees that incriminating bracelet.

Sam: I’ll have a think about it. Thanks.

But we’ve already had several hundred thinks about it, Sam! That bracelet has been sucking up our collective mental energy for two weeks, and we would all like to be set free.

At the hospital, Declan is spewing sheit again, teasing Lexy about her “date” with Sam. Bea overhears and wants to know whether Lexy really has a date. ‘Cause she was sorta maybe kinda hoping to get Lexy’s attention tonight. But it’s still all casual and free and easy, insists Lexy.

Declan: Right, so you’re not going on a date and she’s not in any way at all jealous.

I don’t mind when you make snarky observations, Declan. But most of your comments are more sleazy than snarky.

Lexy’s pager buzzes. She reports to a nearby duty desk and proceeds to flirt with the nurse behind it. Actually, I don’t think Lexy’s really flirting; I think she’s probably just really likeable and charming and therefore most people respond to her with warm smiles and twinkly eyes.

The nurse says there’s a patient waiting for Lexy “in chairs,” but when Lexy goes to said chairs, there’s nobody there. Nobody at all, which seems sort of weird for an ER.

Lexy goes back and asks the nurse whether somebody else took the patient.

Scottish version of Megan Cavanagh: No, he wouldn’t see anyone else. He only wanted you. He was really insistent about it.

Oooh, intrigue! This is something I love about British shows, actually: there’s often a mystery or a dark past where you least expect it.

Lexy tries to shrug it off, but I’d say there’s definitely a monkey on her back or a skeleton in her closet or a Vera Bates–ish ex waiting in a cupboard somewhere.

At the Minus 21 offices, Sadie has arrived with her latest submission. Lauren the editor says “What’re you doing here?” in a way that reminds me of when Helen Stewart asked that same question of Nikki in that one scene after Zandra went up on the roof with her baby and Nikki went to find Helen and huskily said “You’re gorgeous” and “I’m totally in love with you.” Um.

But this is not like that at all. Lauren is not happy to see Sadie and wonders if she’s “some sort of a stalker.” Sadie plays it cool and says she’s just there to deliver her article for consideration.

Sadie: Don’t flatter yourself that I’d bother stalking you. You weren’t all that.

Lauren almost shudders as Sadie saunters off. I think you just found the key to Lauren’s affections, Sadie.

Back at the police station, Ryder and Sam are leaving for the day. Ryder encourages Sam to come out for a drink.

Ryder: Look, Sam, if you don’t want to face the whole gang, we could go back to yours for a curry. I’ll even endure your Cagney and Lacey box set. Now that’s an offer you won’t get every day.

Oh, I have one of those! Actually, I guess I just have the season 1 box set, which is funny because it doesn’t actually include the first six episodes (in which Meg Foster played Cagney) and dares to call itself “The True Beginning.” Not that I disagree.

Sam shrugs and explains that she’s going to a wine tasting with her “running partner.” There’s that fake nonchalance again. But Ryder doesn’t catch it; he just mocks her for preferring a highfalutin wine tasting to “the Grampian.” I tried to figure out what “the Grampian” is and could only determine that Glasgow has a “Grampian Way” and that this pub called The Butterfly and the Pig (which I don’t think is anywhere near Grampian Way) is where I’d like to be right now.

As they go their separate ways, Sam’s phone rings. It’s Lexy. But Sam presses “ignore” or whatever the equivalent is on a BlackBerry. Wait, what? Why? Are you doing that thing where you use two possible social options against each other so you can do neither one and just go home and watch TV? I mean, not that I’ve ever done that.

Meanwhile, at rehearsal, Tess is grumbling to Hugh about the fact that Ed has chosen to take “stupid cow” to the film awards instead of her. The captions hilariously say “stupid Carol,” not “stupid cow,” which made me imagine all sorts of odd dates for Ed.

 

As Tess continues to lament her dwindling circle of friends, she tries on hats. Tess is cute in hats!

Tess also complains about her flatmates a little. Well, just Sadie. “Lexy’s lovely,” she says, in a way that suggests she’ll be trying on the “Unrequited Love” hat soon.

Hugh: Have you fallen for your roomie?
Tess: No! God, no. (after a pause) OK, maybe a little bit. But you know, it’s pretty hopeless. I mean, she hardly looks at me.

Hugh suggests that Tess sext Lexy, but Tess knows this would make her seem like a psycho.

Tess says she did ask Lexy to go to the pub with her, but Hugh says this doesn’t count because it’s in the “flatmate zone.” He suggests “stealth dating,” fun and friendly activities such as salsa classes. I can’t quite picture that. Maybe salsa-making classes?

Sadie is trying on a hat too. But not a fun one; this is the temp job she’s trying to rescue herself from. It appears she’s a waitress at a hotel restaurant. Which is about the last thing you’d think of as a possible job for her.

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Bea is fighting with her girlfriend on the phone. Lexy overhears and wonders whether their “thing” is causing strain. Bea insists it’s not. Is it? Is it, though?

Bea does think Lexy could help her “let off some steam.” Lexy clumsily pats her on the shoulder and reminds her she has that wine tasting thing. Bea’s not bovvered at all.

According to Mellie in the comments last week, Alana Hood (Bea) is the second openly out actress on Lip Service, so I really should be supporting her. But Bea is interfering with the Saxy music that I very much want to hear!

Back at rehearsal, Hugh is still talking about his wife’s new boyfriend and Tess is wondering whether she could somehow get away with killing Nora. And of course Nora walks in right in the middle of that murderous thought. She offers an apology for taking Tess’s place at the film awards, and also gives Tess a nice bottle of champagne so she can enjoy a night in. It’s so confusing when soulless people are nice, right, Tess?

Sam is reading a condolence letter from a friend.

DO YOU SEE THAT? It’s signed “Love, Helen.” IT’S TOTALLY A LETTER FROM HELEN STEWART! Can we please get Simone Lahbib on this show to start a torrid May-December affair with DS Murray?

Does anyone do pensive as well as Heather Peace? And hello, Sam’s arms.

As Sam ponders the letter, Lexy calls again. This time Sam picks up and agrees to go to the wine tasting. Lexy’s reaction is mild and restrained.

But Lexy’s glee turns to glum when she goes to her locker to collect her things. Her locker is wide open, and there’s an envelope with a note in it.

There are several ways we could finish this “I KNOW” sentence. There’s the obvious “WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER,” the half-cute, half-creepy “THE MUFFIN MAN,” and the retro-cool “THE WAY TO SAN JOSE.”

And then there’s the one I want it to be: “HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE I AM THE GHOST OF CAT MACKENZIE AND I AM HAUNTING THIS GODDAMN HOSPITAL.”

This is a deliciously soap-operatic moment, complete with a dramatic camera push onto the note, some twitchy crescendoing violins, and Lexy’s darting who-is-this-what-is-happening eyes.

Last week, Bostongrrl said in the comments that Lexy’s eyebrows are veering into Joan Crawford territory That’s definitely true, and it makes everything even more dramatic!

Lip Service Episode 203 Recap: Shagathon

Let’s start with a detour into the Lip Service theme song, or rather “theme (instrumental),” as it would probably say on the sheet music. It’s not a bad one; for one thing, it’s blissfully brief. But there’s really no “theme” in this song, which is generally true of TV nowadays. Remember when theme songs would orient you to the world of the show? “Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip” or “You take the good, you take the bad, you take ’em both and there you have” or “Just the good ol’ boys, never meanin’ no harm” or “Baby, if you’ve ever wondered, wondered whatever became of me” or “Well I bet we’ve been together for a million years” or “They’re creepy and they’re kooky” or “Love, exciting and new” or “Boy, the way Glenn Miller played” or “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, schlemiel! Schlimazel!” — OK, maybe not that last one.

My point is that you knew what you were in for because the theme song spelled it out for you. It wasn’t just about lyrics (the themes for Taxi and Mork & Mindy and Cagney & Lacey and Little House on the Prairie all perfectly captured the atmosphere without words), but lyrics definitely helped.

So I decided to write some lyrics for the Lip Service theme. These should match up to the harmonica line, but they’re also possibly not remotely singable at all.

Our friend is dead
and we all miss her.
Though … Cat is de-ead, life goes on.
Oh, yes our friend is … dead:
Fuck.

See? Now we know what we’re about.

The dearly departed Cat played several roles on this show: chief furrowed-brow worrier and tidier; orbited center and loyal friend; frequent putter-oner of makeup; fickle hash-smoking oversexed buttoned-up near-autistic (according to her mother) architect. Sheesh, maybe she died of inconsistencies sustained in convoluted plot lines, rather than of injuries sustained in a crash.

Tess is here to take on one of those roles: she’s tidying up the kitchen. Or she’s at least fighting with the mess.

Lexy: Playing crockery Jenga?
Tess: Yeah, bloody Sadie. How much washing-up can you generate in three days?

Me? None. I actually left dishes in the sink the night I started this recap, and I pretty much hated myself in the morning.

Lexy confesses that some of the washing-up is hers, but she promises to clean it up later. Tess figures Lexy has an excuse, being gainfully employed and all. Also, Tess is never going to blame Lexy for anything because she kind of has the hots for Lexy.

Tess clears her throat and shudders a bit.

Lexy: Still not sleeping?

How much later is it, exactly? A few days, did you say? Does anyone sleep during the first week after someone close to them dies? I’m not quite sure, because each time it’s happened to me, I’ve been fully out of my mind. And Tess is definitely not quite tracking.

Lexy: I could, uh, nab you some morphine from the hospital, if you like.
Tess: Really?

No, not really. Tess confesses to being even “slower than normal” at the moment, which earns her another hug from Lexy. Tess is enjoying these hugs quite a lot. She’s even receptive to Lexy’s advice to get out of the house a little; Lexy thinks it’d be nice to go to rehearsal and “be someone else for a few hours.”

I think the “someone else” Tess wants to be is your girlfriend, Lexy.

Sadie emerges from Frankie’s bedroom and offers a “Morning,” a cigarette in her mouth and a smirk on her face. Tess reminds Sadie that there’s no smoking in “communal areas,” so Sadie promptly extinguishes said cigarette in a teacup. Which is revolting.

And then Sadie goes to the fridge for some (of Tess’s) yogurt, which sends Tess right into shrieking-and-freaking mode. Sadie and Lexy both give Tess a look, so Tess tries to calm herself down and be cool. Sadie turns back to the bedroom she’s apparently been spending a lot of time in.

Lexy: Hey, how’s Frankie?
Sadie: Same.
Tess: Maybe she needs more than cigarettes and yoghurt.

Then there are a few random lines during which Sadie sees Tess checking out Lexy’s bum. I can’t help but think that Tess would probably like to get some advice from her friend Cat right about now.

In Frankie’s bedroom, Sadie is scrounging for knickers. She has an appointment at the magazine they did the photo shoot for; she decided to write an article herself since the journalist failed to show. (Remember when Sadie was fondling that buisness card last week? Yeah, nobody cared much about any kind of fondling last week; we were all too busy shuffling off this mortal coil.)

Sadie tosses a packet of cigarettes at Frankie. I have been refraining from commenting on Frankie’s skeletal appearance, because it is impossible to comment on Frankie’s appearance without commenting on Ruta’s, and that’s just “not on,” as the Brits say. But … wow.

Speaking of what Brits say, Sadie’s next line is beautifully British to this particular American ear:

Sadie: I think it’s my turn to get a curry in. Housemates are gettin’ tetchy I’m not pullin’ my weight.

We don’t really have a word that means “tetchy.” Nor do we have as much authentic curry.

Frankie wants to know just how long Sadie plans to stay. Sadie gets all defensive and offers to leave right this minute, but Frankie doesn’t really care. Her phone rings; Sadie answers.

Sadie: Hello, Moody Cow Photography. Can I help you?

Sadie! I didn’t like you all that much last season, but this season you’re a goddamn life preserver.

Frankie has a brief conversation with her mother and arranges to see her. Tess waits in the wings and, after Frankie hangs up, suggests a walk later to visit Cat’s grave.

Hold on a minute. CAT’S GRAVE. For fuck’s sake.

Frankie doesn’t want to do that or anything else. She wants to get away from Tess and Sadie and the whole wide world. The best she can do is go for a shower.

Sam is running again. Running seems to be the current shorthand for ambitious, upstanding, loyal, etc. — a statement that “this is a good person.” Which really, Sam always has been. But Cat was making her more complex; Sam was exhibiting need, desperation, and some of the other irrational behaviors that deepen a character. I hope we don’t go back to garden-variety “good.”

At least we get to meet Sam’s dad! He’s running with her. And he’s a former cop! He coughs a little, so Sam pretends to need a break. Aww.

Lexy just happens to be running their way. She and Sam talk, and there’s obviously a connection there. Sam’s dad (whose name is Alfie — what’s it all about?) senses something between them. He asks how they know each other. “From running,” they say hurriedly.

Lexy: I’m a bit of a newbie to all this, as you can probably tell by my physique.
Alfie: Oh, I don’t know… (appreciates Lexy’s physique)
Sam: (scolding) Dad.

The whole thing is awkward in a sweet way. Lexy excuses herself, probably because she’s in love with both of them. Maybe that’s just me.

Alfie: Nice girl.
Sam: She’s all right.
Alfie: She one of your lot?

Oh, I like that. “One of Sam’s lot” can be the new “friend of Dorothy.”

This whole scene takes place in front of the tiger mural on the Clyde Walkway in Glasgow, painted partly in celebration of the 2010 Chinese New Year and partly to advertise a beer. Which is disappointing, because I thought maybe it had something to do with William Blake.

I want to go to there. And I almost can, thanks to this panoramic photo — if you make it full screen, you can pretend you’re running and wheezing with Lexy and Sam and Alfie.

Alfie and Sam go back to Sam’s flat, where Sam’s mum is cleaning. She’s dusting and moving things around, and the FA/CM wood piece is on full display. Sam gets upset and her Yorkshire accent gets a little more pronounced. Oh, I made a pun! I didn’t even mean to. I guess dorky puns are one of the many side effects of being around Sam’s adorableness.

Alfie calms everyone down and goes off to his “breakfast date” with Christine Bleakley.

Sam’s mum: There wasn’t much to clean. Cat’s pretty tidy, wasn’t she?
Sam: Yeah.
Sam’s mum: I wish we could have met her. At least gone to the funeral.
Sam: It wasn’t going to change anything.

Sigh. It’s nice that Sam has such supportive parents, but right now I guess there’s no comforting her. Understandably.

In the hospital cafeteria, Declan is teasing Lexy about Sam. Am I supposed to like this Declan character? Because I definitely don’t so far.

Lexy: Come on. Her girlfriend just died, for fuck’s sake.
Declan: I’m not gonna blame you for trying. I mean, it’s not like you’re gettin’ much, is it?
Lexy: (looking meaningfully at a nearby blonde) I get … I get enough.

Declan: It’s not today, is it? Please tell me it’s not today.
Lexy: What?
Declan: Gash Wednesday.
Lexy: Stop calling it that. Anyway, we’ve diversified; it’s not just Wednesdays.
Declan: Whatever. It’s weird.
Lexy: It works.
Declan: Yeah, but with someone from the hospital? Have you never heard the expression “don’t piss in your own lift”?
Lexy: What’s the difference between that and sex-ray, apart from the fact that I’m actually fucking mine?

I typed all that out because (1) Declan, like too many gay male characters, seems to be disgusted by women and thinks nothing of using the word “gash” — so, yeah, he’s an ass; (2) no, I’ve actually never heard the expression “don’t piss in your own lift,” but I think I like it better than “don’t shit where you eat”; (3) the term “sex-ray” (which is apparently what they’re calling the radiologist that Declan has a crush on) is funny and clever; (4) the whole thing is an admirable example of reasonably realistic dialogue that clues us into a plot development without getting all clunky — unlike the ham-handed exposition-via-dialogue that’s all over American TV and film. (My girlfriend loses her mind every time someone says “Remind me why we’re doing this again?”)

Here is how Shonda Rhimes would have written that scene:

Lexy: You know what today is, don’t you?
Declan: Wednesday?
Lexy: That’s right, Wednesday! Wednesday is the day I have my fun happy sexy time with that blonde woman over there. Remember?
Declan: Oh, right. But she’s your co-worker.
Lexy: She sure is. We’ve been working together for 6 months now.

Ugh, I just bored myself.

Lexy gets another mysterious call. WHO IS IT?!? Is it a mobster? Is it a new friend who can take over for Douchelan? Is it Marcel the Shell saying, “Hullo, this is me”?

Frankie is buying flowers. She wants to know what people “usually get” for Mother’s Day. I don’t know, but don’t get lilies. Or begonias.

Meanwhile, Sadie is meeting with an editor at Minus 21, which is the magazine Frankie did the photo shoot for last week. The editor seems to be reading Sadie’s article right there in front of her, which I guess is one way to do it. Maybe they should have “speed reading” for editors and writers, like speed dating, only you sit down with a random book/magazine/whatever editor who reads your one-page piece really quickly and decides whether to publish it. Doesn’t that sound fun? Yeah, not really.

This is a good time to mention editorrealtalk.tumblr.com, which is stupendous. (Hat tip and enormous gratitude to Heather Hogan for telling me about that.)

Sadie gets some real talk from this editor: her piece is “too corporate” but her take is “interesting.”

Editor: Who else have you written for?
Sadie: All over, really. Mostly down south.

If you know what I mean! And then the editor wants to know what sorta stuff she typically writes.

Sadie: I can turn my hand to most things.
Editor: Except spelling. (points to the page) En suite is spelt E-N, not O-N.

Sadie’s quite lovely when she’s half embarrassed, half delighted at being seen through.

She confesses she’s not really a writer but knows a lot about hotels and such ’cause of being an estate agent. The editor doesn’t think the piece is worth working on, but she invited Sadie to come in anyway because she likes to “check out new talent.” Do you now?

The editor bids Sadie a fond farewell and enjoys watching her go. Sadie stops to compliment the editor’s shoes. I need to know the editor’s name because it’s starting to feel like I’m writing a not-very-good Devil Wears Prada fanfic that keeps referring to Miranda and Andy as “the editor” and “the journalist.”

Lip Service Episode 202 Recap: Very Dramatic

I was going to start this with a rant, but I decided to sprinkle my feelings throughout the recap instead of compressing them into one intensely emotional moment that is way out of line with audience expectations, not to mention structurally nonsensical and just generally self-indulgent. (See what I did there?)

For now, I’ll just say that I sometimes wish TV and movies would come with mood warnings instead of adult content warnings. I sat down all happy and excited, looking forward to another vastly entertaining hour of a show I’ve come to love. I had jalapeño poppers and Boddingtons and everything, and I couldn’t even enjoy them! I want my Friday night back.

Lexy is moving in with Tess and Frankie. Aw, look at Tess carrying those unwieldy boxes. Hi Tess! You’re my only hope.

Lexy doesn’t have much stuff, because she doesn’t like clutter.

Lexy: It’s just when you see so many people snuff it, you realize only junk gets left behind.

Well, that’s not foreshadowy in the least.

Tess likes the idea of a “clear-out” and a “more minimalist lifestyle.” Don’t be silly, Tess. You’re the sort who always has things flying off her person as she exits a room or a taxi, and we like you that way.

You know what else I like? Cat. And Sam. Cat and Sam together at home, in a robe and a tank top, respectively, getting ready to sit down to Cat’s birthday breakfast.

Cat notices the lilies on the table and inhales their sweet and foreboding fragrance. (Lilies symbolize death. For me, they also symbolize the weirdness of the ’80s.)

But according to Sam (who seems to have a little bit of a cold, which is very cute), lilies are just part of the “full birthday breakfast experience.”

Sam: We’ve even got jam and marmalade in little pots, like you get at a hotel. To be fair, they’re eggcups, but you get the idea.

I do get the idea. I get the idea that you love her a lot. Cat gets that idea too, especially when she opens her gift. It’s some sort of designer handbag; Sam overheard her talking with Tess about it and followed through, like the most perfect girlfriend that she is.

She’s so excited and eager. Maybe Sam is a shapeshifter, like Sam on True Blood: the hot cop has just transformed into an adorable little puppy!

Sam: Do you like it?
Cat: I love it. Thank you. (tearing up)
Sam: It’s meant to make you happy, not sad.

That is what I want to say to you about this show, Harriet Braun: It was meant to make me happy, not sad.

Across town (really, I have no idea where Frankie’s flat is relative to Cat’s flat), Tess is observing as Lexy gets settled. Lexy doesn’t like “DIY,” as you can see from the rickety nature of the bookshelf she’s currently futzing with. Lexy tells Tess that she’s smart to date a spark.

Lexy: I bet she does everything like this.
Tess: Oh, yeah. She would. Only we’re not together any more.
Lexy: Oh, shit. Um, sorry.
Tess: It’s OK. We weren’t together long. It was a she-says-tomahto, I-say-tomayto situation, so… I called the whole thing off.

What? They broke up? Look, Tess: just because you’re currently in a Chekhov play doesn’t mean you have to do the important stuff offstage. But I love you for quoting a Gershwin tune.

Tess unsubtly inquires as to Lexy’s relationship status. Which I think she already did, in the last episode. But I’m not going to start cataloging inconsistencies and repetitions, because that would make me mad in an insane sense, instead of just in an angry sense.

While finding the right spot for an impressively heavy-looking medical textbook (because she’s a doctor, get it?), Lexy reveals that she spent her twenties “sleeping with the wrong women — Frankie being a prime example.” That’s why she’s single now. Tess is sort of interested but is also attempting to look up Lexy’s skirt, which is sort of pointless because Lexy is wearing tights.

I’m not sure whether I want these two to be a couple. I think I want them to hook up but not get together, but I don’t think Tess is capable of something that casual. And Lexy is a heartbreaker type, so I don’t want Tess to actually fall in love with her. But whatever happens, at least I won’t have to worry about things getting really dire or dramatic or tragic, because this show isn’t like that!

Still at home with Sam, Cat gets a text that makes her smile. She hides the smile as Sam breezes in to announce she’s off for a run. I want to yank Cat’s iPhone out of her hand and slap her silly with it.

Meanwhile, in the same idyllic spot as the last episode — is Sadie squatting there now? — Frankie is trying to make amends.

Frankie: I wanted to say I’m sorry. You’re right, I was a cock.
Sadie: You’re not getting back in my pants, if that’s what you think.
Frankie: That’s not what I want.
Sadie: Charmed, I’m sure.
Frankie: Nah, I would, I would want to … I think you know I’m into someone else.

And yes, Sadie is smart like that. She inquires as to Cat’s health and then agrees to be Frankie’s mate, with a “sod it” that makes me like her a whole lot. (I had a flatmate who said there were only four answers to all of life’s questions: “All right,” “Fuck off,” “I don’t know,” and “Sod it.” I think Sadie would agree.)

Having established their fondness for each other, they try to make small talk. It seems Sadie is “broke and jobless,” and Frankie says she might be able to help out with that. What? Isn’t Frankie broke and jobless too? I guess things are looking up for her. Don’t get used to it, Frankie!

Sam is running. She hears someone coughing nearby and stops to help, because that’s just who she is. She puts the “Sam” in “Good Samaritan.”

The cougher is Lexy. She’s trying to run too, but she’s an out-of-shape former smoker (who, an entire episode ago, was doing coke and not caring one whit about her health). She’s very embarrassed that Sam is seeing her like this.

Lexy: Sometimes I can’t wait till we’re 80 and I can just throw self-improvement to the wind. Buy a stair lift and eat doughnuts all day.

They banter about the hilarity of mortality, and then Sam offers to run with Lexy.

Lexy: Oh, no. You’re really fit. Um, I mean you’re really healthy.

It’s funny how “fit” means “attractive” in the UK, whereas in the US it just means “in shape.” Do British travelers come to the US and think a “fitness club” is a singles bar?

(I am providing my own levity because I know death is standing in the doorway, clipping his nails.)

Tess is acting. Or at least she’s trying to: her costar Nora keeps interrupting and requesting pauses or stage directions or whatever will put the spotlight back on her. Tess is trying to cooperate, but it’s not easy.

This storyline really does remind me of Smash, except this show won’t (one hopes) veer into faux Bollywood territory.

Tess’s jovial new actor friend is still cheering her on and making faces behind Nora’s back. I like him. I hope he’ll be there for Tess when everything falls apart in about 5 minutes.

Somewhere else, Cat and Sam are walking to work. Cat wants to know which restaurant they’re going to for her birthday, because that way she’ll know what to wear.

Sam: Look, just don’t wear jeans or trainers.

This is what I want to tell every tourist who decides to take in a Broadway show. (And don’t wear baseball caps or shorts either, but that’s probably implicit in the other thing.)

Cat abruptly points to a building they’re approaching. She says “That’s where I’m going in there” in an unpunctuated, frantic way that prompts Sam to ask whether she’s OK. Cat nods and Sam seems to accept that Cat is on an important architectural mission of some kind. As Autostraddler Holly said in the comments last week, Sam, you’re a cop. Can’t you read Cat’s little tics and tells? She’s not a good liar; she’s always squinting too much or putting her hands to her face.

There’s an all-too-quick kiss goodbye.

Inside the random building, Cat watches from the window until Sam is out of sight. Little do they know (and much do I wish I didn’t know) that they’ve just spent their last moments together.

Cat pauses for a moment, possibly wondering when she became such a calculating louse, then leaves the building and goes on her merry perfidious way.

At the hospital, Lexy is talking to a doctor friend of hers. She’s still embarrassed about her breathless-in-the-wrong-way encounter with Sam.

Lexy: Well, anyway, she’s got a bloody girlfriend, which is just my luck.

Hmm. Inopportune use of the word “bloody,” Lexy, but you couldn’t possibly know that.

Lexy: One day I’m going to fancy someone who isn’t unstable or taken.

You are? On this show? But that wouldn’t be very dramatic.

Why are scrubs sexy? They’re not so much different from sweatpants, and those aren’t sexy. I guess it’s more what scrubs represent. On Lexy, they represent hotness.

Lexy’s phone rings, but there’s nobody on the other end. “Third bloody call today,” she mutters. Ooh, intrigue! Who could it be? Do you have a long-lost love, Lexy, or are you just delinquent on your med school loans?

Lexy’s (male) doctor friend is moping because the cute new radiologist (also male) walked right by him without a glance. I wondered if there would be a gay man on the show anytime soon. I guess it’s a good addition? Not that gay men will start watching this show just because of that one character — unlike lesbians, who will slog through 50 brain-putrefying minutes of Grey’s Anatomy every week just to catch a glimpse of Callie and Arizona.

Lexy: Maybe he’s straight.
Friend, whose name is apparently Declan but I had to look that up: No, he’s definitely gay. He is. I have a sixth sense. I see gay people.

Hey, look over here: do you see bored people?

Lexy asks Declan to choose a patient file: “ear infection with discharge” or “unremitting vomiting”? I should remember these things when I have to select a piece of tedium to work on at my job: at least there are no bodily fluids involved.

After rehearsal, Tess is griping about Nora the diva. Tess’s actor friend (why don’t these people have names?) says Nora is “just an actress,” meaning she’s “selfish, faithless, self-absorbed.”

Tess: I’m an actress.
Actor Friend: Present company excepted.

Actor Friend goes on to talk about his wife, who is also an actress and is throwing away 20 years of marriage to have a fling with a hot-shot actor named Thomas Delaware. Tess pretends not to like Thomas Delaware and says he gave a “terrible performance” in a recent movie, but she’s not giving a very convincing performance herself. Actor Friend rants a little more. Tess offers the only thing she has:

Tess: Crisp? It’s a new flavor.

Oh, oh, what’s the new flavor? British crisp flavors are insane — “prawn cocktail” being the worst I’ve tried. But as the inventors of salt and vinegar, they’re really the gods of crisp flavors.

Cat knocks on Frankie’s door. The knock sort of sounds like “doom doom doom” if you listen hard enough.

They fall into each other’s arms. It’s sort of hot, I’ll admit, but it’s also just so upsetting. I can’t help but wince and cringe and squirm (and not in a good way).

Doorway/foyer kisses always remind me of When Night Is Falling. Maybe I’ll watch that after this, to restore a teeny bit of my innocence.

It gets quite intense. Cat is wearing a corset.

Cat: I want you to watch me.

Well then! Lucky for you, Cat, Frankie and I both very much want to watch.

Sam and her work partner are on surveillance. They talk about Sam’s plans for Cat’s birthday dinner, at a swanky restaurant called La Maison.

Ryder: They don’t even have prices on the menu, do they?
Sam: I know a pint and a burger are your idea of a hot date, but I’m way classier than you, so…
Ryder: (after a pause) Reckon you and Cat will do the civil partnership thing?
Sam: I don’t know. We’ve not talked about it. I’d marry her tomorrow, though.

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh. Don’t say “marry”! Or “tomorrow”! I can’t take it.

Lip Service Episode 201 Recap: The Necklace

Cast your mind back, if you will, to November 2010. Not because of Thanksgiving or the U.S. midterm elections or Jill Clayburgh’s death or Ingrid Pitt’s death — the two extremes of feminism, you might say — or for any other historical or cultural or seasonal item of note. But because that’s when the season/series 1 finale of Lip Service aired.

November 2010. That is 17 months ago! And I had to really think hard about that, because how often do you count out 17 months? It’s not a span of time that makes any kind of sense to the human brain. “Maybe I need another vacation. I went to Mykonos 17 months ago.” Nobody says that! “My job duties have really changed a lot in the last 17 months.” Nope. Never uttered. “But I told you all about this 17 months ago!” Take your Mayan calendar and your abacus and get the hell out of here.

But amyray, we’re back! Yes! We’re back in Glasgow, and even if you can’t say anything else about the inherent qualities of 17 months as a block of time, you can probably assume that it involved at least one haircut and/or new hairstyle. In this case, it involved at least 6.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Which is the opposite of Frankie, who is behind on her bills.

Frankie looks more than different. She seems almost transformed somehow. I wasn’t really drawn to her at all last season, but something about her new look is making me look. What have you been up to, Mighty_Minto?

As Frankie sifts through the rubble of her fiscal wasteland, I get distracted by the lyrics of the song that is playing (“Keep Me in Your Heart” by Bill Wells and Aidan Moffat):

Keep me in your phone
Keep me on your key ring
Keep me rolling around about the bottom of your bag
And keep me in your hall
Keep me in your bathroom
Keep me hanging up, stretched out and dripping next to you

What? This is like a song you make up when you’re a kid and you’re just wandering around empty-headed and aimless, enjoying the sunshine and making sounds that turn into words but have no meaning behind them or really anywhere near them.

Frankie is not empty-headed at all, though: her brain is still saying CAT CAT CAT the way a stereotypical dog’s might (but I am not saying Frankie is a dog, unless you mean it in a cool “dawg” sort of way).

Frankie calls (I feel like I should say “rings,” but that would be pretentious of me) the object of her intermittent affection. After one of those charming double-rings, it goes to voice mail, so Frankie sends an email instead.

Apparently Cat’s email address is catmackenzie@live.com. Hang on, I need to email her something real quick.

Frankie kind of rocks back and forth a bit, as if she’s feeling lost without Cat.

I do feel a little sympathy for her, but not enough to rock back and forth or anything. I am not anti-Frankie in a general way, but I am definitely on Team Sam.

And there’s my team! Sam and Cat are just getting back from a trip to Rio. They’re discussing an Awkward Airport Security Moment:

Cat: I told you we shouldn’t take any toys.
Sam: He so fancied you. I think we made his day!

Wait, why was that offstage? We need to see these things! But nope, we’ve moved on to kissing. Which is probably better than the airport security thing.

They’re so busy kissing, they don’t realize they’re at the end of the escalator. Cat almost trips and falls. This is no joke, people! Escalators can kill!

But looks can’t kill, even when they’re delivered by homophobes going up the other escalator. Sam just stares back and says “hi.” ‘Cause she’s great like that.

Cat plays with her necklace; Sam compliments her on it.

Cat: I wonder who gave me that?

I bet I know! That hot cop right next to you! And I understand your confusion: I wouldn’t remember who gave me my own name, let alone my necklace.

Suddenly they’re back at their apartment, and the sunglasses are on the other head. I don’t mean that like “the shoe’s on the other foot”; I mean the continuity person was napping (cf. previous kiss photo). Or maybe it’s all just part of the escalator-riding, toy-revealing, necklace-fiddling aura of young love.

Cat: Shouldn’t we at least unpack?
Sam: You seriously want to unpack?

Obviously the next line should have been “No, but I seriously want to see what you’re packing.” They set it up so perfectly, with that mention of the toys! What a missed opportunity.

They do end up doing it right there on the kitchen floor, but that’s offstage too. This time I don’t care, because it’s a preposterous idea: who really wants to have sex when they’re just getting home from a trip? I’m not saying Cat had a better idea, because I don’t want to unpack the minute I get home either. But sex? No. The first thing you do when you get home from a trip is order some food, flop down on the couch, and catch up on all the TV you missed while you were away. This is true even if Sam is present, and I do not say that lightly.

Tess is trying to watch her new girlfriend (Fin, the “spark” she met at the end of last season) play football. Doesn’t she look enthralled?

Fin even scores a goal.

Then the ball finds its way to the fence near Tess, and Fin and her mates expect Tess to kick it back onto the field. Like you would.

She resists, then finally gives it a try. It goes about 1.2 feet, so she picks it up and throws it instead. It goes a teeny bit farther. Poor Tess! All the footballers are chuckling and tsking and making it very clear that she’s not a real lesbian. All Tess can do is sigh and wince.

They all go for breakfast, where Fin’s friends continue to mock Tess’s lack of athleticism and love of sleeping late.

Fin: Oy! Leave her alone. She’s got plenty of other skills.

As another somewhat artistic type who has been in the presence of taunting athletic types, I feel your pain, Tess. But I don’t think the feisty footballers really mean anything by it; it’s just their “way,” you know? Just pretend you’re in Bend It Like Beckham. Except instead of Keira Knightley (yawn) or Parminder Nagra (shrug), you’ve got Fin, who’s just as cute and way more gay. (And much to everyone’s great relief, she looks nothing like that other Fin(n).)

Despite the awkwardness (or maybe because of it), I’m happy to see Tess! Let’s take a moment to reflect on the fact that Tess is played by Fiona (cute as a) Button. Talk about an aptonym.

Wait, maybe I’m already over Fin. Ed texts Tess about an upcoming play, and Tess asks Fin whether she wants to go. Fin mumbles about being busy. I would love to go to the theater with you absolutely anytime, Tess. I’d even sit through the lobotomizing production of Jean Genet’s The Maids that I endured off-Broadway last month. Hmm. Maybe I take that back. Is Sam coming too?

Bored Frankie is watching boring TV. But this new flat looks pretty fab. As in, you could probably buy some of those pillows and things on Fab.com.

Like everyone else in the world, when TV fails her, Frankie turns to the internet. She starts to check her mail; there’s a message with the subject “Fwd: Scotland Form,” sent to frankiealan1@gmail.com. Before we can think about what that might mean, Tess breezes in and Frankie slams her MacBook shut. Yeah, be careful, Frankie: it’s one thing for Tess to catch you underneath a grunting Jay, but you mustn’t scar her for life with the sight of you reading email.

Frankie: Have you had any more calls about the ad?
Cat: Uh, a bloke who sounded excited about living with lesbians, and a woman who sounded drunk.

See how much shorter the whole roommate search thing could have been on The L Word?

Frankie expresses her strong desire to get a flatmate very soon. She’s not even sure she’ll be able to pay her own share of the rent much longer, if she doesn’t get a job. I don’t understand how the person who had that amazing apartment in NYC last season can suddenly be out of money. They don’t even let you stand on the same block as an apartment like that if you’re not pulling down a cool 10 mil a year.

Frankie asks Tess whether she’s heard from Cat. Why, yes, as a matter of fact, Tess has. This news turns Frankie into a Lichtenstein painting.

Frankie’s eyes seems so much more alive so far this season. I guess suffering really does build character?

Frankie jumps up and leaves in a burst of feigned nonchalance. “Bye?” shrugs Tess.

Frankie stomps along and finds herself staring up at the window of Cat’s flat, much like she stared up at the window of Cat’s office in the very first episode. But this time the face at the fenester is Sam’s. At first I want her to see Frankie, but then I don’t, and she doesn’t. It’s much too soon for the triangle to come crashing in on itself!

At a … hmm, some sort of quirky vintage shop, Tess ruminates while Ed stands patiently by. Awww, Ed.

Tess is worried about Frankie, who hasn’t even slept with anyone since breaking up with Sadie. Ed gripes about his own dry spell. Tess assures him that he’ll have plenty of groupies once his book is published, but he doesn’t want to wait that long.

Ed: I’ve decided I’m gettin’ laid tonight.
Tess: Ah. It’s gay disco night at Rubies; I kind of told people we’d go there.

Poor Ed. He’s pretty much the Eeyore of this group. (Also, poor us that “disco” doesn’t actually mean disco the way it did on Glee last week. I’d pay good money to see Sam do that pistols-at-your-hip disco move, or the lasso thing. Or pretty much all of Nick’s disco routine in the “Discos and Dragons” episode of Freaks and Geeks.)

Tess tries to get Ed to focus on the task at hand: helping her find some clothes that say “serious actress.” Ed wants to know why Fin isn’t doing this instead.

Tess: She’s at work. And anyway, shopping’s not really her thing.

As a sentient life form with more than one brain cell, Ed finds it amusing that Tess would date someone who’s more into football than shopping.

Tess: Well, at least she’s nice to me, unlike every other woman I’ve dated.

Tess! I would be nice to you. And I would make you go to lots of theater but no football. Actually, never mind: I don’t really want to date you at all. But my girlfriend and I would both like to hang out with you and help you memorize your lines or anything else. Because you’re cute as a Button, Fiona!

Tess also notes that the sex with Fin is grrrrrreat.

Tess: Most of my other girlfriends have been really selfish in bed. But she’s, like, really, really… Well, she’s just… she’s just really good.

Ed and the rest of us were about to drool for a minute there. Stop tantalizing the Eeyores, Tigger Tess!

Tess claims not to be worried about not having enough in common with Fin and notes that they’ve only been together for 2 months. 2 months? It’s been 17 on my planet! Einstein should be glad he only had to deal with the twin paradox, rather than TV perplexities.

At chez consternation, there’s a knock at the door.

“Come in,” says the spider to the fly. Cat looks terrified or thrilled or something. I don’t know what to do with my hands or feet or eyebrows or corpuscles right now, because this sort of situation is exactly what makes this show so deliciously maddening.

Having confirmed that Tess is out, Cat only gets more terrified. But she apologizes for not telling Frankie that she was back in town, and inquires as to Frankie’s health.

Frankie: Been better. It’s not been fun sitting around waiting to find out what you want.
Cat: Well, now you know how it feels.

Ouchie. Wait, I think I just figured out why Frankie is so much more appealing to me this season. She sorta looks like Delirium of The Endless.

I don’t mean this as a negative thing. I’ve always adored Delirium — and she used to be called Delight. Maybe when Cat fell in love with Frankie originally, she was more on the Delight end of the spectrum.

Cat apologizes for her below-the-belt retort. Frankie, proving she’s British through and through, offers Cat some tea.

Frankie: Tess seems to have gone all lesbian on me and brought a million herbal varieties.

That joke never gets old! Actually, maybe it just did.

They banter a little about Tess and tea, and Cat seems a little more friendly. Frankie steps forward to make her move, but Cat is steadfast.

Cat: I can’t sleep with you anymore, Frankie. It was a mistake.

Ouchie again! Cat insists that she loves Sam and doesn’t want to leave her, but when Frankie forces her hand with “And you don’t love me?” a cat gets Cat’s tongue. And then this happens.

But Cat pushes Frankie away with an “I can’t do this” and pushes herself right out the door.

I still don’t quite understand why or how or what the whole story is, but I’ll admit that there was some chemistry in that kiss. (If you’re on Team Frankie, this is where you yell “SOME?!” at the device on which you’re reading this. Try to do it on the subway or in a crowded Starbucks, because that way you can identify other team members and maybe reenact the scene [complete with tea, if you’re in the second location].)

Lip Service Episode 106 (FINALE!) Recap: The Hangover

Let me start off by sharing my number one observation of this episode: holy mother of Bushmills, there was a lot of day-drinking in this episode, wasn’t there? I mean, first Frankie starts knocking back whiskey shots in the middle of the afternoon, then Ed has his boozy lunch meeting with the publisher, then Jay and Tess get wine-buzzed in an elevator…

It’s an appropriate theme when you think about it, considering that everything went completely to hell last week: Frankie and Jay’s tryst got outed (and also Frankie gets fired by the creepy, homophobic boss for covering Jay’s ass), Ed professed his love for Tess and failed miserably, Tess got really bad Botox, the birthday party was an epic, Wild West-style fail and everything sucks.

So now we’re in the final episode, which means we have just under an hour to tie up all these terrible loose ends. However shall Harriet Braun do it? Well, let’s take it by character arc:

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Frankie/Cat/Sam:

If we move in together we can do this all day every day

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It’s the morning after the disastrous Showdown at the BAC Corral. Sam and Cat, the only ones who got laid last night, are cuddling in bed. Sam’s landlord is still on her ass about payments, so Cat offers her the chance to join U-Haul Nation.

When Frankie finds out about the matter, she makes a joke about Cat not being the “U-Haul type,” and really? It took until the sixth episode for a U-Haul joke? You’d think a show with this many stereotypes/Important Lesbian Cultural Signifiers would’ve gotten to that sooner.

I Miss You Now, I Guess Like I Shoulda Missed You Then

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Frankie invites Cat out for a drink and a talk at the Trans-Europe Planet Café (which by the way, is an actual place you can go to in Glasgow, as Google has just informed me, so let the Lip Service tourism industry boom commence!). She professes her undying love for Cat, who, understandably, resists. And Cat gets to the heart of the matter really quickly: “You’re always ready ‘til you get what you want. And then you have to fuck it up.”

Back at the Den of Monogamy, Sam wants Cat to finally meet her friends, including some guy named Ryder, which means he’s either “rugged” or probably “a douche” or “owns a significant moving truck empire.” Cat does this thing again (as with the party last night), where she, in a flurry of guilt and feelings, tries to jump Sam’s bones on the kitchen counter.

Sam Looks Very Junior Varsity Today

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Frankie copes in a similar manner, by which we mean whiskey in the middle of the day and making out with a guy in the bathroom (but stopping him when he gets too handsy).

Eye Makeup Appropriately Smudged? Check. Also look how much taller I am than this guy

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In walks creepy, drug dealin’ Darren, which means we’re finally going to get to know the Super Secret Mystery of Frankie’s Past That Has Been Keeping Us On The Edge Of Our Seats. He takes her back to the boxing studio and gives her that photo album she’s been looking for. After some prying and ambiguous language, we find out Alma Carter is, in fact, Frankie’s mother, and Darren’s mother too.

Frankie spends a lot of time brooding and perusing the photos. Like most of us, Child Frankie was chubby and had a bizarre, how-did-anyone-think-this-was-cute-oh-my-gawd haircut. She finds a photo of her with Uncle Cam, where she is identified as ‘Eleanor’ instead of ‘Shane.’

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It’s enough to confront the old man again.

Luke, I am your father

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Turns out — and sorry for those who haven’t seen the episode and can’t handle the awesome power of this shocking twist — Uncle Cam is Frankie’s real dad. He hid the identity of her mother because of her criminal past, and used the death of his other relatives as a cover-up. Mystery solved. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for his meddling Shane.

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Now totally distraught, Frankie’s flying back to New York. But before she goes, she has Jay, in a rather heated confrontation with Cat, deliver her a package. It’s the engraving of their initials, taken from the wall of their old school, and a card with the inscription “Some things weren’t meant to be destroyed.” Cat, propelled by the awesome power of feeeelings, rushes over to say goodbye to her lost love.

Some things don’t deserve to be destroyed like this piece of wood, and the rainforest

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And finally — shocker — Frankie and Cat kiss. Someone cue the Paula Cole.

And Now Our Bodies Are the Guilty Ones

And because it’s this show, kissing leads to a whole lot more — including the Triumphant Return of Frankie’s Patented Leg-Sawing Motion — beautifully backlit and set to the all-too-fitting music of The XX (“After you/had you seen me with someone new/hanging so high for your return…”).

Revealed. Cat and Frankie are a couple because Frankie is a closet bottom and is only out to Cat

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The passion in this scene is at once cinematic and weirdly believable (certainly more than any scene with Sadie). And it’s mega-hot. Frankie is in tears at the end. And so are we. She asks Cat if she loves Sam. She nods. She asks Cat if she still loves her. She nods again, and then leaves to meet Sam and that Ryder guy at the pub, where she just looks exhausted and guilty the whole time.

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HERE CHECK IT OUT:

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It’s now the next morning. Sam makes breakfast in bed. Cat is trying to keep it together, and it’s clear she’s going to stay with Sam, but you know the longing for her lost blonde love is still lingering.

Must make sure my hair is properly ruffled to meet my mother for the first time

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The last scene of the finale involves Frankie, set to the sweet, sweet strains of Beth Orton, standing in the doorway greeting a woman we presume to be Alma Carter. They smile, knowingly, through tears. And for once, Frankie’s world is at a shaky peace.

Hello Mom, I’m your Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb

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Tess/Fin:

Tess begins the episode still bitter, embarrassed and unable to talk to Ed. Ed looks especially strange via fisheye lens, and furthermore, still has a penis. Not the kind you strap on, but the kind that you think with.

Look Me in the Eyes and Tell Me You Don’t Want my Bad Romance

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Then a package arrives at the flat, clearly not for her, because it does not appear as though Tess has ever handled a power tool in her life. It’s obviously for Fin, her attractive, sorta-butch neighbor.

Still dejected but needing to get out of the house, she meets up with Jay and offers to accompany him to the pub before he goes and has a long talk with Becky. En route, she gets a call from her agent, saying she’s got a last-minute audition for a lead role in Uncle Vanya. And then, with perfect timing, the elevator gets stuck with her and Jay in it. We have now gone, in one fell swoop, from season finale to bottle episode.

I hope neither of us is a secret axe murderer

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Luckily, in the name of deux ex machina, Ed comes along, but he refuses to help until he and Tess get that whole awkward last night thing sorted out. He comes in with the whole emotional “I still want to be friends, we can watch YouTube together and stuff” speech. They make up, he opens the elevator and everyone dashes toward their next objective.

Now I Gotcha Right Where I Wantcha

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Tess makes her audition, with a ride and a pep talk from Ed. She makes up some totally bollocks story about going to L.A. for pilot season, using the premise for Ed’s book as the pilot. I personally thought her delivery was a little flat, but she made it through an audition without crying or screaming at the casting director, so that’s an improvement.

Somehow, she gets the lead. And does the stereotypical rom-com girly freakout when she gets the news.

And O, the blessings keep rolling in. Fin arrives, looking for her missing drill. She blames the missing drill on her “cousin.” Fin has a long night of fixing electrical problems ahead of her, so Tess offers to come with her on what will totes obvs be the most romantic first date ever.

Speaking of Drilling, These Are My Fingers

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Turns out, it is. We find out Fin went to art school (jewelry and silversmithing, with a minor in being totally rad), and she even gives Tess a sample of her work, which we would actually wear, unlike most “crafty” things made by characters on the teevee. They talk, and talking leads to touching out on a snowy balcony, and touching leads to cuddling the next morning. Awww.

Baby You Can Light My Electrical Fire

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It is Tess, our bumbling, charming Tess, who gets the neatest, tied-in-a-bow happy ending. She has a leading role and a new leading lady. She’s come the farthest in terms of circumstances, from lonely, jilted and perpetually unemployed to happily in love and doing what she loves. Remember, dear readers, good things come to those who wait.

HAHA I WIN

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The Guys:

The last time I held you in my arms was way more fun

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Not that anyone really cares about what happens to Jay, but he spends most of the episode either moping because he self-sabotaged or getting chewed out by his lady-friends. His confrontation with Becky doesn’t go much better. Alas, he will have trouble letting go of his horndog ways. It’s an uphill battle, Jay, but someday, you will triumph.

Ed gets the book deal for his Epic Space Pirate Love Affair Drama or whatever, and the suit he lunches with is already talking about film rights and the possibilities of banging sci-fi fans, HELLO COSPLAY!

Nice Novel, Wanna Bang?

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He’s ecstatic, but he wants to tell Tess first. After counsel from Big Sis about how Tess needs to be “weird and angry” for a while and how falling in love with your best friend is TOTALLY NORMAL EXCEPT IT MESSES YOU UP FOR A WHILE, he finds her in an elevator, they make up, and all is well.

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Conclusion:

Well, our lovely Glaswegian drama is over. Some of you might have loved it, others hated it, others watched it merely for the lulz (or the boobs). There were definitely some things to admire about Lip Service, and we’re not just talking about Ruta Gedmintas. Sure, it was overwrought and some of the characters were written more as plot devices than as complex people (Jay never really leaves behind his Horndog-With-A-Heart-of-Gold-Sort-of shtick, for example). And yes, there were a lot of stereotypes/obvious cultural signifiers (but there’s truth to some of them — we’ve all creeped on exes on Facebook and gotten indignant when they use photos we’ve taken as their profile pictures, or, you know, not).

I agree with our dear friend Dorothy Snarker, who makes a really good point that, despite all the clichés, what sets Lip Service apart and makes it admirable is the fact that it’s a show about relationships first and the characters just happen to be gay, as opposed to constantly reminding viewers that it’s about gay relationships. Sure, there was the clandestine relationship with Lou and Ed’s little Chasing Amy moment, but you take the Frankie-Cat-Sam story arc and develop those same characters but give them different (or no!) genders, and it would still have the same effect. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. And people can talk about it, calmly, without prefacing who it’s with.

Our friend/Autostraddler Scribegrrl pointed out:

In my last post on the subject, I noted that the characters on the show are too busy being gay to talk about being gay. I think that might be the natural result of social and legal validation: in the UK, gay people are people. They can carry on doing people-y things without feeling like second-class citizens. When you’re able to form a legal union, have full access to the courts, and can even consider (as I hope Cat’s considering) filing a harassment complaint against your heterophobic boss, you feel like you matter. You see yourself as equal. Normal. Real.

Plus, if nothing else, it was entertaining. There was the whole photo album MacGuffin thing going on, lots of relationship drama, friendship drama, sex involving strap-ons, everything a painfully addictive show needs.

So, who’s ready for a trip to Glasgow?

Lip Service Episode 105 Recap: Like a Strap-On Without the Strap

Hi! Welcome to the Lip Service Episode 105 recap, which I turned in about five days late. Just in time for the next episode to air! Some of these screencaps are from the Lip Service Fansite. Big up to those ladies. OKAY LET’S GET STARTED WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

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Heyyy Good morning Frankie!

Frankie is always Tumblr-Ready

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Last night, in case you don’t remember after all that coke and booze, you slept with Jay, and Tess saw. Before getting out of her bed and sitting on its edge in her standard thinking-hard-about-my-life pose, Frankie takes some time to flick through some photos on her camera, which is a great way to remember what happened when you don’t remember what happened. Frankie sees a picture of Jay and um, remembers what happened. I hope she doesn’t get preggers, you know how men are.

O-O-O-KLAHOMA WHERE THE WIND COMES RUSHING DOWN THE SOMETHING!

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And, in the age old tradition of this show, we are showed some early morning cunnilingus within the first 30 seconds, followed by Sam telling Cat that she loves her and Cat telling Sam that she has to go to work, which is slightly off topic.

This Almost Looks Like Dana Fairbanks Kissing Jill Bennett

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So there you go. Sam loves Cat, and Cat likes that Sam loves her. At least Cat didn’t respond: “I think I could fall in love with you.”

So, Ed wrote an alien book about his unrequited love for Tess and Tess doesn’t realize it’s about her because she’s distracted by her fit neighbor — you know, the one who so far has no dialogue and is the only butch and/or woman of color on the show. Do you want to know how butch she is? She’ s an electrician, and she drives a truck! (Hot right)

I See You Baby. Shaking that Ass.

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When Tess asks Frankie about her romp in the hay with Jay, Frankie delivers possibly the best line of the season, re: “having sex with a dude”

“What? It’s just like a strap-on without a strap!”

Tess tells Ed who promises not to tell anyone which means he will. Meanwhile Frankie and Jay have a pissing contest over who can be the bigger morning-after asshole and agree to pretend it never happened.

In happier news, Tess’s 30th birthday is coming up! In addition to the cowboys-and-indians themed surprise party he’s throwing together, Ed has made her a present to add to the towering pile of glaringly obvious evidence of his glaringly obvious love for her:

This is the picture I picked out for January, just wait til you see JUNE!….

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Tess: Look at your pasty little chest.

Cat & Frankie snag a suspiciously convenient Important Architectural Assignment, which involves taking photos of their old high school so it can be converted into condos like Melrose Place.

Remember That Time You Said You Were a Falcon and Jumped off the Roof? That was Weird

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They’re getting increasingly flirty with each other as the writers try to convince us that they were actually once a bona fide couple with chemistry (they’re actually mildly successful with this), resulting in lyrical gems such as:

Frankie: I remember it being even bigger than this.
Cat: I think we were just smaller. Well, I was.
Frankie: I remember you being pretty well developed.

So now we get it — Frankie is the hot bad girl, and Cat is the good girl, and together they probably have really important sex.

Smize For Me Baby

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They scope out the places where they used to perv on each other from afar, where they met in detention and carved their initials into a door frame, and amidst all the distraction of the nostalgic montage where Frankie takes photos of Cat in hallways with the happy guitar music, they forget to put out a cigarette and properly smoke out an old classroom.

Remember the time the nuns told us we were all going to hell?

I Used to Have a Life Once

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Tess is trying to get her life on track in time for her thirtieth and Ed is getting a big Literary Contract. This is highly upsetting for Tess because she wants to Make It Big, too, so she lies about having a gazillion auditions.

The Alley of Our Discontent

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Sadie’s unimpressed with Frankie because when a girl gets high in the bath with you and then lets you watch her shave, that means forever. It’s like diamonds. But Frankie doesn’t invite Sadie in, so Sadie is sad. Also Sadie is getting progressively more good-looking, has anybody noticed that.

Rear-View Mirror Symbolism

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Cat is having relationship issues with Sam ’cause Sam said I love you and Cat did not say it back. As Sam explains to her police partner while they’ re staking out a factory and doing other important police work:

“ Saying ‘ I love you’ is like a gun fight. If you draw first, you better not miss.”

Got that? Got it.

another scene where frankie doesn’t make out with anyone

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In the land of family issues, Frankie follows the trail left by key chains and boxing gyms to a purdy little suburban block of flats, where the boy from the estate with the marijuana lives. Her uncle is there and he’ s angry, apparently about marijuana boy getting high with Frankie and Jay that one time. It’s a mystery, but maybe there’ s a connection to Frankie’ s past. “Who am I?” she thinks. “Am I Francesca? Am I Shane? Am I really really really good looking?” Really you can see the wheels turning in her brain, she’s thinking really hard.

Remember that incident with Jay and the Hot Intern and the ketamine in the bathroom? The big angry homophobic boss is giving Cat a hard time about it, and now she’ s gone and set a building on fire. Frankie sees her chance to get in Cat’ s good books/vaginal canal and ends up taking responsibility for everything, including the high intern. Such a Shaney move. She gets fired, obvs, and Cat looks good now b/c she warned her boss about Frankie.

Speaking of fire, Tess manages to lure the butchy electrician into her apartment on the premise of having blown a fuse of some sort. This seems like an ill-fated plan.

Yeah I think i have a spark plug up my vadge if you could fix it for me?

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And yes, just as our Lesbelectrician gets into the apartment, Tess’s ex-girlfriend Chloe calls and Lesbelectrician picks up.

I’m K-K-Kinda Busy

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Remember Chloe? She’s the Gabby Devoux of Lip Service and in the first episode she was giving her girlfriend head while Ed and Tess hid under the bed? Yeah she has big news for Tess, it’s heads-or-tails at this point if it’s going to be an engagement, a wedding, or a baby, or all three. And the potential New Girlfriend is outta there because ex-girlfriends are like anthrax.

It’s Friday, Tess’s birthday! THE BIG 3-0! LOOK AT THIS HAPPY FACE!

I wish there was an Autostraddle Meet-up in Glasgow so i could meet a new girlfriend

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The special day has arrived! All of her friends have cleverly invented tales of work, concert tickets, etc., to convince her that nothing, absolutely NOTHING is happening on her birthday, not a cake, not some drinks, not a flat full of cowgirls and sexy Pocahontases, just a lonely thirty-year-old on her way to see her ex-girlfriend.

This would be a good moment to say “BUT I SLEPT WITH A TV STAR!”

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Chloe doesn’t want to say happy birthday or anything, no, she just wants to flash her big fat engagement ring in Tess’ s face and recommend botox.

This is definitely the worst birthday in a while, but it gets worse. On top of the engaged ex, the turning thirty sans friends and the non-starter acting career, Tess decides to get some birthday botox and gets a teeny lil’ reaction to it which makes her face swell up so she looks like she’s taken a beating. Ouch.

Dirty Thirty

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Ed chases down a teary, bruisy-eyed Tess and at the sight of her being upset and vulnerable, is overwhelmed with the need to express his unbridled, heterosexual love for her. He’s inspired by Frankie’s sexual fluidity.

Ed: I love you.
Tess: Aw, I love you too, Ed.
Ed: No, no. I love you like a man loves a woman.

Coincidentally, Tess wrote off being loved by a man like a man loves a woman about fifteen years ago. She takes this badly, because she’ s very emotional and now she thinks that the only reason Ed is friends with her is because he wants to get into her pants, and her pants are homosexual pants, and so she runs off towards home.

You know, home. Currently occupied by a lot of dressed-up, liquored-up gay people. Frankie is ostentatiously snogging Sadie, interspersed with dark, brooding looks in Cat’ s direction.

Cat looks supercute, and Sam makes a rather sexy sheriff.

Little do they know everything is about to go, horribly, horribly awry, or as they say in Glasgow, tits up. Becky struts right up to Frankie and asks if Sadie is the one who stole her necklace way back when. She throws in some gratuitous snark about how Cat is taken now which is interrupted by Ed calling to say Tess is on her way, though he leaves out that she’s in a really terrible mood.

SURPRISE YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO A LOT OF DISHES TOMORROW

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They do the whole “SURPRISE!!” thing anyway, which sends Tess scurrying to her room to lie on her bed and lock the door, Angela Chase style. Ed rushes in after her and declares that he has declared his love. Then disaster strikes:

Jay: No wonder you never pull. You do realize she’ s gay?
Ed: Didn’t stop you with Frankie, did it?
Becky: Is that where you were the other night?

Hi I’m the Other Straight Guy On This Show

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Becky is understandably upset/done. But so is Cat, who shoots Frankie a sad look across the room, like the look Carmen gave Shane when she brought home those two blondes. What a floozy.

But They Already Put You on the Cast Poster, There’s No Backing Out Now

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Sadie’s no fool either ’cause she knows Frankie wants Cat, not her, so she pushes Frankie away from her and eventually leaves in tears.

Cat goes home with Sam to finally say “I love you” back, but in a way that we can tell is insincere. Not the best circumstances really.

I Won’t Be Left Dancing Alone To Songs From the Past

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So, to sum up, Jay and Becky are breaking up, Frankie broke Cat’ s and Sadie’ s hearts, Tess is crying in her room and hates Ed, Becky hates Frankie, Jay hates Ed, Sam still deeply dislikes Frankie. Basically every character is crying or seriously pissed off just in time for the last episode! See you next week folks I MEAN TOMORROW BECAUSE I TURNED IN THIS RECAP SO LATE.

Next Week:

Lip Service Episode 104 Recap: On The Razor’s Edge

While most stateside Autostraddlers were glued to their TV sets and TweetDecks having lots of HULKSMASH!-type feelings about the election, we expats living in the British Isles were able to console ourselves by watching the latest installment of Lip Service, because there’s nothing that will make you—at least, temporarily — feel better about the Religious Right taking power than watching hot Scottish ladies hook up with each other.

Exhibit A

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Picking up from last week: Cat and Sam were a bit rocky because Cat still cares about Frankie, but they’re both still adorable anyway and do it on Sam’s office desk. Lou and Tess have a teary, awkward breakup, and Ed punched Lou’s douchey co-host in the face, and it was awesome. Frankie is still seeing Sketchy Sadie and now might also be dead/not really Frankie. Oh and apparently Republicans took the House.

Moving day arrives for Frankie and Tess, but in order to get Frankie back into the house alone with Cat, Tess left her mascara inside and so Frankie’s gotta be the butch and go fetch the thing. Then she’s gotta accidentally walk in on Sam in the shower. The verdict is in: this is the most awkward possible way that this could’ve happened.

This isn’t awkward for me at all. Because I’m a cop and could take you in a fight with a left hook and two cheeseburgers

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Frankie, undeterred, decides to try Cat’s room where Cat’s in her bra, putting on makeup. Is it the mascara? No.  Frankie is smirking. They shakily reconcile. Sam interrupts and borrows Cat’s leopard-print bra. The existence of said bra seems rather out of character for Cat — perhaps a throwback to her wilder days when she was still dating Frankie? Perhaps a gift from someone who gives really tacky gifts? Regardless, IT’S A SIGN, Y’ALL.

Adorable professional couple heads to their respective big days at the office in smashing coats and matching briefcases. Awwww/barf.

Executive Lesbian Briefcase Cuteness.

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They’re kissing in the alley when they spy a heterosexual creeping around (as heterosexuals are wont to do when they prey on innocents) and quickly disengage. It’s Cat’s boss, and he looks perturbed. This plotline is the first instance of issues surrounding homophobia and workplace discrimination we’ve seen on the show (other than Uncle Cameron).

At the office, Bossman confronts Cat about the intern/Ketamine incident. Like a bad ex-boyfriend, he’s found a way to take an unrelated but concrete problem and project it onto his abstract emotional discomfort about some aspect of Cat’s behavior or personality to seem legitimate and deserving of your ear. Why didn’t Cat notice that the Intern was a drug addict?!, he wants to know.

Alistair: And which of the noble Sapphic professions does sam belong to? Social worker, PE teacher, Freelance Yogurt-Maker?

Cat: She’s a detective sergeant.

IS FREELANCE YOGURT-MAKER A REAL JOB BECAUSE IF SO SIGN ME UP.

Then he asks Cat about Sam. Alistair’s subtle discomfort/Cat’s struggle to be out at work while Jay tries to bang the intern certainly feels more realistic than other Gay Witch Hunt workplace TV scenarios. I’m interested to see where the show takes things with it, and to what degree it will carry any kind of anti-discrimination message.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled Tess & Frankie and some really bad windblown hair.

There’s Something About Frankie.

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They move into the new flat, which Shady Sadie found for them, and it is posh as hell. There’s even a set of bongos, which aren’t particularly posh, but could be fun/irritating for house parties.

A desperate Tess, at Frankie’s urging, attempts to start Internet dating on a site where you can look for “Friendship,” “Fun” or “Fisting.” Obviously anyone in their right mind is saying “FISTING” right now, amirite?

Subtle product placement is subtle.

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Back at the office, Jay wants Cat to take the fall for the intern’s foray into drugs, and Frankie just DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. She’s got this death certificate thing she can’t get over.

Cat, sensing something is awry, goes with Frankie to The Planet UK Trans-Europe Café to get the problem out of her.

Cat: Frank, fuck. This is — so — you’re not who they said? who they told you you were. It’s a total mindfuck.

Frank: Yeah yeah it is. But you know what, I’m not surprised.

Cat: Why’s that?

Frankie: I always knew that there was something they weren’t telling me. Some secret. Conversations would stop when I walked into room, closed doors and whisperings–

Cat: I’m just trying to make sense of it. This, and the photo album. So who is she? Your aunt wanted her to have the photos. Do you think she could be your mother? Your real mother?

So Frankie might not really be Frankie. Which means Frankie might actually be… wait for it…

…. SHANE!

Shit is getting real.

Anyhow, Cat asks Frankie if she wants Sam to do some “detective work” for Frankie because she’s a “detective.” Cat says Sam is her first “real adult relationship” which hurts Frankie’s feelings but actually should make her feel good because it means her skin is very taut and she’s maintaining her youthful vigor.

GOTTA DO SOMETHING WITH MY HANDS BESIDES PUT THEM INSIDE LOU

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Aaaand another serious moment diffused by KNITTING! Tess’ attempts to get “back on the scene” aren’t going much better than Frankie’s attempt to “discover her true identity.” But after a day of panning for gold in the sea of sketchballs and fauxmosexuals, she settles (because nothing makes you appreciate a tasty microbrew like weeks of drinking Miller High Life) with the first non-threatening, semi-attractive (by which we mean Cyndi Lauper-meets-Alice-from-the-Brady-Bunch) lesbian who isn’t on the site for attention, to ‘experiment’ or please her man.

So Tess goes on this date and everything seems hunky dory (especially the hot girl at the bar who hits on Tess and tells her she looks familiar)…

I See You baby. Shaking that ass. Shaking that ass.

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She returns to the home of the lady to make out instead of that girl up there what is confusing.

… until she gets home and undressed to find her date’s husband, Dougie, sitting there and eager to watch. Ick.

If I Hear the Term “She’s not bisexual, she’s bi-curious” one more time I’m going to get bi-furious

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So not only does Tess fail to have a meaningful joyless hookup, but she ends up having to provide couples therapy on her way out.  RELATIONSHIP ADVICE on the way out. Oh, Tess. Will you ever win?

Actually, she might, because later on A CHALLENGER APPEARS and catches her eye. Why hello there new girl in wifebeater from the bar earlier.

Oh I’m just over here in my wifebeater with my breasts lookin’ hot

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Although she and Hanes Herway are clearly going to hook up because when you shoot a close-up that mimics the Hungry Lesbian Longing Gaze, it’s totes foreshadowing.

Meanwhile, Ed is on a date with a girl in his creative writing class. They both love Philip Roth. This would be adorable if they weren’t both so painfully awkward. Ed also brings up Tess at least twice. Someone has unrequited feeeeelings (and isn’t it usually crushing on the gay guy on TV? This is an exciting twist, sort of. Not really. But Ed is still adorable.).

Also back at the office, the straight guy has a bill he can’t pay for something and Frankie’s hair looks as it usually does.

Coffee, Tea or Me? (Answer: Yes Please.)

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Breakfast in bed! Not only is this another instance of Sam and Cat Being Adorbz, but it’s Cat’s way of acting on her guilty conscience for having lied to Sam about who she was gathering intelligence for (by “a secretary,” she meant “Frankie.”). Turns out the name from the address Frankie had been creeping on was an alias for Alma Carter, a small-time criminal and possibly Frankie’s real mother. Cat is really stressed. Also, IT’S LUNCH WITH THE FAMILY DAY SHE JUST REMEMBERED! The opportunities for stress are boundless!

FESTEN

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We meet the folks at Cliché Posh Restaurant and discover that, among other things, Cat’s mom seems to totally favor Ed — the struggling, barely-employed writer is a “free spirit,” while Cat is put down for needing years of expensive training for her degree. She also says some pretty spectacular things about thinking Cat is autistic. She also mentions that Tess and Ed would make the perfect couple. Ed brings this up to Tess later. Awkward.

Later on, eaten alive by The Guilt!, Cat finally confesses to Sam that the information she wanted was for Frankie. Sam already knew, obvs. And then they make out in a cab (see first image). All is well in Sam and Cat Land. Sam tells Cat to be careful because the driver “reads the Daily Mail.” Cat don’t care.

Yes, in fact I DO feel that I can handle the truth

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Frankie goes to confront Uncle Cameron, who obviously knows too much. He refuses to tell her anything, tells her to stop asking questions and also he is greeted by his new lady-friend who is wearing a lavender bathrobe. Dude. Dude.

Damn, Frankie. Shane’s got nothing on your emotional turmoil. Also, is Uncle Cameron’s sole purpose on the show to just be totally awful and an old-man foil for Frankie? Will we see any other character development with him at all? Signs point to ‘No.’

This was supposed to be screenshot of Frankie doing lines of coke but I couldn’t get it right

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A now totally distraught Frankie meets up with Sadie, who has the keys to a client’s posh apartment for the night. Bottles begin popping, powders are snorted. Oh, Sadie, your life is a never-ending game of ‘Illegal, Or Just Frowned Upon?’

Frankie is still distraught (as one could imagine) and for a moment, ponders jumping off the balcony (at which point you could hear the entire lesbian population of Glasgow screaming ‘NOOOOOOO!’ at their telly sets).

Don’t Step Off From That Ledge My Friend

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Sadie stops her, and then they get naked. In someone else’s bathtub. How the hell is Sadie a successful realtor when she keeps pulling stunts like this? I don’t even. So Frankie and Shady Sadie start canoodling in the bathtub and, based on the strap-on bit two episodes back, you know things are about to get a little bit freakier.

Tell Me Frankie Have You Ever Been Toed?

Like, you know, shaving. Yup, Frankie asks Sadie to shave in front of her. Sadie suggests that she keep a landing strip but Frankie wants to go for the whole enchilada. Then Frankie pulls out the camera. Frankie isn’t going to be the Annie Lebowitz of architecture, however, she’s gonna be the Annie Lebowitz of Shick.

This is a thing that happens. Behold, Gillette’s new marketing campaign!

I’m Your Venus, I’m Your Fire

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As one can imagine, this does not end well. The neighbor comes by to feed the fish and our razor-happy duo gets caught.

Shane For Wax

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So Frankie is wasted, Ed is heartbroken and Jay didn’t get his mortgage. The dejected retinue are then left to take comfort in one another. And also more booze. And drugs.

So basically it’s like Friends, but with hallucinogens.

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And then, this happens:

Well then. Goodnight.

This ending leaves us with a whole lot of unanswered questions, like:

+ What’s gonna happen with Jay and Becky (or, conversely, Frankie and Sadie/Frankie and anyone)?
+ When are Tess and that girl gonna hook up?
+ Will Ed ever find twue wuv?
+ Will Frankie uncover the truth about her past?
+ Does anyone actually do any work at the architectural firm?

Tune in next week for the answers to these questions, and hopefully so much more.

Lip Service Episode 103 Recap: Everybody Must Get F*cked (Up)

In the last episode, we had the pleasure of experiencing Frankie strapping on and getting robbed, Lou going down on Tess (in more than one way, that was exciting), and Sam finally seducing Cat. Basically everyone had sex, which made it SO much more rewarding than, say, Season 3 of the L Word, when nobody had sex and somebody died.

It’s promising! Let’s proceed, dear readers.

One scene in and we’re already getting into the heavy moaning — Tess & Lou make a ruckus, Cat and Sam giggle and Cat freaks out about one of those Important Big Work Presentations.

Oh is THAT what women with actual sexual chemistry together sound like

You know, the kind people always have in teevee shows which address the Pressing Dilemnas of Women who must Balance Emotions and still Perform on the Job. It’s a guaranteed hijinkfest and GUESS WHO’S LATE FOR THE BIG WORK PRESENTATION? It’s Jay! He’s the straight guy on the show who you wish wasn’t on the show, and he can sense that you don’t like him and so he sort of took his time.+

No actually it’s ’cause Jay & Becky are having relationship issues ’cause you know, his friend Frankie brought home a girl for a one-night stand who then stole Becky’s necklace. Also, Frankie has been peer-pressuring Jay into going out all the time, therefore making him slack at work.

When I look at you like this, you do what i want. Kapeesh?

The Presentation goes well though, and the Architecture Agency ends up with a new client (important later). Oh and guess who just got a job at Cat’s Architecture Agency?

Yes, Frankie’s lust for Cat is so great that she does what any obnoxious lesbian stalker would do and decides to a) take a job as a photographer at Cat’s architecture business, and b) convince Tess to move out of Cat’s and in with her, just for the extra attention. Look at me!

AND WHATEVER GIRLS I DISCARD, YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR YOURSELF?

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This obviously does not please Cat very much, especially when she has to go on a photoshoot with Frankie. However, continuing in the vein of last week’s giving of The Attitude, Cat is taking no shit and lays down the smack when Frankie tries to get all flirty. (Look at me!) Attagirl. When she finds out about Tess moving in with her, however, her cool is somewhat blown. At least it is to the extent that she can’t concentrate on sexytime with Sam, which is a shame, because their only sex scene so far has been rather tame and we’d like to see some real action, although I’m not sure real action is Cat’s kind of thing.

Straddling Way Outside Of What Your Pride Will AllowCat+

Cat then talks about Frankie while making out with Sam. like A LOT. Like beyond anything that is reasonably acceptable in any universe besides the one on television.

Anyhow moving on to Tess & Lou…

After Shopping for Wristbands at Claire’s, the Happy Couple Headed Over to The Peach Pit for Soda

Tess & Lou are trailblazing their cute asses all the way to a GAY BAR and although Lou’s freaking out about all the womyn, she takes a big step by planting an over-the-table kiss on Tess, which is not only physically awkward but metaphorically significant.

Lou promises they’ll hang out later and then Tess engages in excited I’m-gonna-get-laid-tonight preparation whilst wearing lingerie and adjusting her boobs.

They’ll be like ‘HELLO!’

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Obviously she’s getting ready to get stood up. Again. This time Lou doesn’t even call. The next day, Tess and Ed are temping together at an unidentified company which seems to facilitate phone calls, display charts and, unfortunately, employ an ex-classmate of Tess’s who Tess made fun of in high school. Nothing like being underemployed and under-loved. Even in this nightmare scenario, Lou STILL doesn’t call.

Anyhow, Frankie’s having “thoughts” about her Family and Past. These thoughts do not involve Naked Girls or Smoldering Looks, shouldn’t they save the “family backstory storyline” for Season Three, you know, the season with the no-sex and death and stuff. Anyhow.

Frankie peer pressures Jay to accompany her on a voyage to the estate she visited last episode. They get inside by swinging the “let’s get high together” trick on the unsuspecting squatter currently inhabiting the place. Frankie has some memories about the apartment they’re in mostly based on the texture of the wallpaper.  But also… she’s high.

THE YELLOW WALLPAPER

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Back at The Office, Cat decides that Frankie hanging around is just too much to bear, so she decides to have a calm chat with her boss about it which eventually leads to coming out, as all women without Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts must do one day in their lives.

His reaction is hard to read but not really hard to read because we can tell this is going to be an issue, and the air is thick with imminent Homophobic Discrimination in the Workplace. And whaddya now, she’s getting pulled off the Important Architectural Project that she just won in that meeting, and Jay is getting it even for Jay was late for the meeting, remember? Ruh-roh.

Meanwhile, Frankie is sitting on the edge of her bed, contemplating the cruel, enigmatic world beyond her Shane Haircut bangs. (Recurrent theme!) She decides that what is needed is a thorough clean up of her room, and in the process discovers Sadie the real estate agent/thief/Robin Hood’s business card!

Cunningly, she books an appointment to see an apartment, so that 1) Sadie turns up unawares…

I’m a Good Kisser and You’re a Fast Learner and that kinda thing could float us for a pretty long time…

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… and 2) they can then have sex on the kitchen floor of said apartment in various interesting camera angles. Lucky for her, her ingenious plans leads to both results! Oh, and she also gets her stolen stuff back, I guess.

Like in Spiderman

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Like in Batman

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Again at The Office, Jay and Frankie have their eye on the Pretty Young Intern and Jay is sick of being in the doghouse so he invites Pretty Young Intern into the bathroom to enjoy a little makeout session and a line or two of coke.

I’m Gonna Make This One-Episode Guest Gig Count if It Kills Me With One Line of Coke

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After which she promptly almost dies, which is confusing because it was just one line of coke OH WAIT it’s not actually coke, it’s [either a Scottish drug that I don’t and can’t know about (unlikely) or a completely mainstream drug that I don’t know about because I am a square and/or underinformed (highly likely). Chem? Kem? Cam? I dunno.].

Anyhow, he’s due back at work and his makeout buddy is floor-bound, so he calls in Frankie, who takes her Shane Bangs and Shane Eyeliner and Shane Drug-Abuse Awareness into the stall, scoops up the girl, and takes her home. You know how actresses are. I don’t know why, but somehow I just KNEW this wasn’t going to end well.

yeah that’s right i got a girl passed out on my shoulder, yeah my ring is gigantic, who the hell are you

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At Rubies/The Planet, Cat still won’t stop talking about work and stuff, although admittedly, her boss seems to be a bigot and her ex is in all up in her grill. Ultimately though, Sam is annoyed because she’s a cop and that is imaginably more stressful than being an architect.

Cat has to follow her all the way to the police station to apologise, and the situation devolves into some cop/interrogation role play lite involving cunnilingus on the desk. Because for Chrissake if all these women are going to do is argue, they might as well get some good fucking out of it.

I Plead the Fifth Finger

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Tess finally receives a text from Lou, which is not very informative but prompts her to throw on some lingerie and get Ed to drive her to Lou’s so she can surprise her/score WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO END WELL. Because why would the cameras follow Tess all the way here just to watch them make out.

Yeah… who should she see wandering canoodlingly towards Lou’s apartment? Lou and Tom, her famous co-presenter and married ex who Tess and she originally bonded over disliking. Oh, I did NOT SEE THAT COMING. Sidenote, he’s gross!

Lou: Tess, what are you doing here?
Tess: I came to see if you were okay.
Tom: I didn’t think we’d be seeing you again in a hurry.
Tess: Why? Because I’m just one big f–king joke to you? [Looks towards Lou] Is that it?

Obviously Tess is v upset, and Ed – bless his soul! – decides that the only way to resolve the situation, really, is to punch Tom in the nose. No, but seriously, people, violence is never the answer. Don’t punch the married boyfriend of your gay friend’s would-be-girlfriend, please.

AND THEN WE HAVE A  MOMENT. You know this moment, it happened with Nikki & Jenny in Season Five, when the ingenue returns to her true love and cries about how hard it is to be with her b/c of her career and that terrible terrible man she has to sleep with to keep it going and OH IF LIFE WAS ONLY UNICORNS AND ORAL SEX FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER

Love Means Saying You’re Sorry Right Now Plz

Next, Frankie picks up Sadie for a drink, and as they are walking side by side in their matching lesbian leather jackets, Frankie spies Cat and Sam walking along looking all couple-y and happy and snogging each other’s faces off and has to take a moment to drown Sadie out so that we all understand that Frankie’s feelings for Cat are Real. Maybe it was a Shane-and-Carmen- and/or Molly-esque situation that led Frankie to leave Cat? She was certain she was going to cheat and convinced that Cat was too good for her? I’m sure we’ll find out more soon, but for now, know that what’s going on is megadeep. FRANKIE STILL LOVES CAT, write that down. WHY ARE THEY OR WERE THEY EVER TOGETHR? We have no idea. Write down a question mark.

I Feel The Knife Going In

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Tess gets some sympathy at Rubies, and there are drinks and the assertive but gentle suggestion the she sell Lou out to the tabloids (Sadie’s idea). Maybe that’s the better way to deal with this kind of thing. Jay and Becky are also reconciled now, which Frankie is a bit skeptical about (maybe she also has deep feelings for him, idk).

Tess wakes up to find news of Lou and Tom’s affair plastered all over the taboids, which we can probs blame on Sadie. Does it serve Lou right? Discuss.

Frankie goes to the Official Bureau of Unsolved Family Mysteries to discover that when her parents died in that car crash many years ago, a three-year-old named Francesca Alan also died. OMG THAT’S FRANKIE’S NAME. I know, right? This must be what her aunt meant to tell her before she died and everything! Frankie is at least as upset as you about this, she’s having a wee moment of hyperventilation on the street. Because if she died when she was three years old, did she really fuck all those girls, or was that all ghostsex? Ghostsex is a thing. It happens. We have a ghost pumpkin.

SO THAT’S WHY I’M SO IMMATURE!

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AND THAT’S A WRAP!

How are you feeling about this? We would like to hear your opinions, hope and dreams regarding Lip Service, especially now that we’re getting properly in to the roll of things!

‘Lip Service’ Recap Episode 102: Lesbians Talking, Dating, Crying, Having Sex, Etc.

When we last left our love-lorn Wegie she-roes, Tess was seducing sunny, sexy news anchor Lou Foster, Cat totally blew her date with Sam the Cop and Shane/Frankie was coping with the death of her beloved aunt by doing what most people do when they grieve, which is obviously having furious, symphony-conductor-hand-motion-y sex with the receptionist of the funeral home IN FRONT OF A CORPSE.

So now that you’re totally intrigued (or grossed out, or both, which is sort of what happens every time we turn on TLC), let’s check back in for Episode Two of Lip Service. And, because this episode was mostly about dating and sex and awkward moments with your ex at a relative’s funeral, along the way, we will provide you with some Lip Service Dating Dos and Don’ts.

As the guitar and harmonica and mandolin main title flurry fades, we are greeted, in the first few seconds of the show, with the blissful sounds of moaning. No dialogue, very little traffic, no incidental music, just pure, slightly-between-porn-star-and-chat-up-line-operator-on-the-believability-scale moaning.

GOOD DAY SUNSHINE DAH DAH DAH DAH GOOD DAY SUNSHINE

+Anchor-Lady Lou Foster is getting a nice little wake-up call from Tess, but work obligations cut the reverie short. Upon realizing that Tess is funemployed, Lou half-heartedly offers to help get her a gig as a runner for the show. Because in this economy, sometimes you need to make totally irrational choices bound to end in total disaster or humiliation.

DON’T: Mix business with pleasure. This is, like, Rule #1. It’s the premise for at least a third of existing romantic comedies and most lesbian-owned businesses. Needless to say, Tess, we are concerned.

Meanwhile, in Sulksville, Frankie and Cat are preparing for the funeral and trying on outfits and generally having lots of feelings. When they meet, results are typical: Frankie is creepy and snaps a photo of Cat looking pensive and broody, Cat is dressed in meticulous, “professional” black and looking oh-so-stern.

YOU LOOK VERY SHANE TODAY

Also, Frankie has forsaken the blouse-and-jacket ensemble and decides to go to the funeral dressed like Mark Zuckerberg at a business meeting. To a funeral. In a hoodie and jeans. To a funeral.

The funeral itself goes about as well as Frankie’s outfit sampling, filled with awkward glances around the coffin, notably between Frankie and a sort of dismal looking fellow across the way.

I SEE UNFORTUNATELY NOT-DEAD PEOPLE

+

THAT’S WHAT WE CALL AN “ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE HAIRCUT,” LASSIE

The reception goes even worse. Frankie drinks out of the bottle (red flag #1) and tries to get a rise out of her asshole Uncle Cameron by seducing Cat, her ex-girlfriend (red flag #2), in front of the family (red flag #3).

DON’T: Use your ex as bait for making a scene at an important family function. Like a funeral.

DEATH DOESN’T BECOME HER

There’s a really horrible confrontation between Frankie and Cameron in which some awful things are said and Frankie is referred to as “damaged goods.” The vague references to Frankie’s “troubled past” are killing us, Heather Braun. Obviously, we have to find out more, lest we fill in her entire family history with branches from the McCutcheon family tree.

After the reception, a mugger side-swipes Cat’s mobile and Cat fights back and somehow, beyond the rocky heights of logic and reason, Cat ends up in the police station, cuffed for assaulting her mugger. Luckily Sam, her bad date, is the cop in charge and she gets Cat off (HAHAHAH!!!) and they schedule a second date to further probe the depths of each other’s steely boringness.

At Lou Foster Productions, Tess’ day isn’t exactly funeral-bad, but it’s still bad (as the awful lavender runner shirts may imply). Back in the dressing room, there are a lot of feelings and reiteration that the relationship has to be hush-hush (Tess is introduced, with great conviction, as “an old school chum”) and that you know, Lou will have to take the midge to the premiere.

I WONDER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE UNDER YOUR T-SHIRT I WONDER WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE WHEN YOU’RE NOT WEARING WORDS

+

Lou pretends to be cozy with her male co-host, making Tess jealous and causing her to (as lovestruck folks often do) forget her surroundings and collide with a cake prop, angering ferocious producer Mark. HIJINKS!

Nevertheless, Tess invites Lou to dinner to meet her friends/roommates but later, while preparing with the kind of excitement you just know is destined to end terribly, Tess accidentally sticks Cat’s fought-for mobile into the washer. This will be important later.

Clearly, Lou calls to cancel at the last minute, saying she’s just so exhausted from pretending to like boys and panty hose and hairspray all day, which is annoying and unsurprising to everyone but Tess.

For those still intrigued by non-dating/sex-related plotlines, Frankie is still carrying around a photograph of her aunt that looks suspiciously similar to the generic photographs sold with picture frames at Wal-Mart and is now hunting down the name/address of the person who now possesses all her childhood photographs, which her aunt delivered to someone as part of her will. It’s all very DaVinci Code-ish.

She asks an electrician, who she bribes with a sexual favour (and then re-negs on it) (uh-huh, Frankie passes) to steal the will information and breaks into the given address, only to find the place totally abandoned, except for a young male squatter. We don’t get much further into this or into any hot lady’s vaginal canals, unfortunately.

dinosaur vs. lizard

+

At the studio, Tess gets her shot at redemption which you knew was gonna be a disaster if you read “Tess makes a fool of herself on national television” in the episode description and have been dreading this moment ever since, but are slightly relieved that it did not involve an on-air marriage proposal of some kind.

Tess’ mission is to pick up today’s Special Guest Star, child psychologist Marie Chambers. Like many people who have to deal with young children professionally, Marie has a bit of a drinking problem, and passes out in the green-room chair two minutes before call. Tess takes the other runner’s advice and decides to go on as Marie. There is a glimmer of hope that poor Tess might actually save the day. She doesn’t.

DON’T: Impersonate a professional to save your secret girlfriend’s TV show.

Tess, unfamiliar with child-rearing, bombs. She’s fired. More feelings in the dressing room, which eventually lead to clandestine happy making-out times.

Tess: It’s one thing you telling everyone that I’m a school chum, it’s a whole other thing you bullshitting me. And by the way, I don’t give a shit what the tabloids say, it’s you that’s the coward, it’s you, you’re a complete coward.
Lou: [sobbing] No, you’re right, I’m the coward. I was gonna come last night, I got ready, and then I felt terrible and that’s when I went for a drink. But if you’re fed up with me, I understand.
Tess: I never said that.

It’s still unclear what they see in each other besides breasts, and while we’re on that line of discussion, let’s go follow Frankie to Cat’s (because she wasn’t picking up her phone, which Tess washed) to try to talk to her about this mystery contact. Moar old feelings are re-hashed.

Here, we start to notice a shift in Cat: she’s starting to move away from the past and toward the future (Sam), whereas Frankie is burying herself even more in her past. Deep, right?

But also are we so used to hearing Shane get yelled at for being an asshole while she goes “I know, I know,” that we don’t even stop to think that it’s kinda a dick move to be an asshole to someone whose aunt just died and is being estranged from her family and unable to procure her deeply meaningful childhood keepsake? Salt/open wound?

Anyhow, Tess and Lou, having kissed and made up back at the studio, return to Lou’s for more sexytime and a choppily-edited sequence where Tess’ contorted o-face expressions are interspersed with speeding traffic. It’s reminiscent of a student film, or perhaps a tribute video culled from the annals of YouTube. Speaking of annals, a rim job happens. Yup.

kiss my ass for reals

+

For someone who just started having sex with other women, Lou Foster is clearly a fast learner. Maybe she had field training?

Frankie uses her creeping superpowers to follow the mysterious bookstore lady into a café. Her name is Sadie. If the White Album taught me anything, it’s that Sexy Sadie will end up making a fool of everyone. Foreshadowing!

I also considered this was an estranged relative of Frankie’s in disguise

+

DO: Take Mr. Chi City’s advice and keep your fridge stocked with many varieties of drinks.

At this point, the show starts doing quick cuts between Frankie and Cat. The Cop goes back to Cat’s place, and they start talking over drinks (Five-O is a beer gal. Of course she is). Everything kind of feels like a booze-and-awkward-romance-fueled Hold Steady song (except no one in a Hold Steady song would date an officer of the law, but I digress). Sam makes the first move right after she calls herself brave (get it?), and the two start making out.

Resisting the Urge to Use So Many Police-Related Puns Right Now

+

And then, back in Frankie-world, we have this:

DO: Keep Calm and Strap On.

So Frankie is “happy,” and the viewership is very happy, and pretty much everyone is in favor of this except for Becky and Jay, who have to hear the intimate play-by-play.

Jay’s reaction is priceless.

While Frankie and Sexy Sadie are waking the neighbours, our frazzled architect, Cat, finally gets some, in a rather tender, tasteful, intimately-lit sequence with Sam. NOTICE THE CONTRAST. IT’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THROUGH MISE-EN-SCENE, OR SOMETHING.

So we end, for the most part, on a positive note. Except the part where crazy Sadie steals the necklace Jay got for Becky and cleared the cash out of Frankie’s wallet (surprise, surprise) BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BRING HOME SOMEONE WHO COMPULSIVELY STEALS THINGS.

DO: If you decide to bring home a kleptomaniac, LOCK UP ALL THE THINGS.

Or

DON’T: Don’t bring home a kleptomaniac, even if your heart is un-steal-able.

Back at the ranch, Cop and Cat are snuggling and Cat looks relaxed for probably the first time in the entire series. Cop asks about Cat’s tattoo. Cat says someone convinced her to get it, and when Cop prods about who, she says, “No one important.” Could she be finally over Frankie? We’re gonna guess the answer is probably no.

Now, it’s your turn. Share your feelings, rants, fantasies and other insights in the comment space below. For those who watched the first episode and were on the fence, does this week’s installment change anything for you?

‘Lip Service’ Recap Episode 101: Lesbian TV Show is Pretty Good, Sexy, Comes with a New Shane

BBC3’s new lesbian drama Lip Service began its scandalous run on the BBC3 with nearly 600,000 viewers on Tuesday, Oct. 12, and then it got like 10 million complaint letters ’cause two chicks have sex around dead people. Idk, it happens. We’ll get there.

Fans of The L Word (the good seasons, anyway) will be happy to know two things about Lip Service (aka The L Word If Everyone Talked Like Helena Peabody), BBC3’s new drama about the lives of three lesbian/bisexual women in Glasgow:

1. The theme song doesn’t have lyrics. And it certainly doesn’t suffer from gerund overdose. It does, however, have harmonicas.

2. As Riese previously stated: attention Autostraddlers, we have a Scottish Shane.

Meet Ruta Gedmintas, a.k.a. broody Bisexual Gal With A Camera™ protagonist Frankie, who will now proceed to lead a whole new generation of straight British girls to further ponder their sexuality.

Completing the entourage are:

+Frankie’s ex-girlfriend Cat (Laura Fraser), a meticulous, control-freak architect with a Selma-Blair-circa-Legally-Blonde vibe and just the cutest accent ever.

+Tess (Fiona Button), a struggling actress also getting over a nasty breakup.

+ Ed (James Antony Pearson), Cat’s brother and Tess’ constant companion who totally has an unrequited crush on her and it’s kind of cute but also sad.

+ Jay (Emun Elliot), Cat’s coworker and Frankie’s close friend who serves as the glue that holds the group together and is probably the most sex-obsessed of the group (his new girlfriend, Becky, makes an appearance).

Now, let’s get into it.

We open in New York where Shane/Frankie’s working her camera magic on a sultry (supposedly straight AND ENGAGED, LOL) American model with all the charisma of an actress. That being said she brings a whole new meaning to “the camera loves you.”

Within two minutes they start having sex and instantly this show becomes totally amazing.

Frankie interrupts the makeout for an apparently INSANELY URGENT phone call. Her aunt, who raised her after her parents died, has now died. She returns to the makeout.

Let’s refresh — THIS IS THE OPENING SCENE. There is no ovulation here, or if there is we don’t have to hear about it.

I think what we’re supposed to take away from this is that Frankie uses sex as an anesthetic for her emotional pain and insecurities. You know, like Shane. Everyone got that? Good. We liked it the first time (Brian Kinney) and the second time (Shane), so I suspect we’ll like it the third time (Frankie).

Cut to an apartment which a photographer in New York could never afford, seemingly inhabited and rented by a photographer in New York named Frankie. She’s creeping her exes on Facebook (important lesbian/human cultural reference #1), but the best part is her status, which reads something along the lines of “Frankie thinks Bella should have ditched Edward and…” Team Bella knows no borders, friends.

Stalkage is interrupted by a voicemail from, you guessed it, her now deceased aunt, telling “Francesca” that she has something she wants to tell her, but all we heard was, “Jenny. This is Marina. I can’t stop thinking about you.” JK that would be gross. But also, like, really.

In Glasgow, Frankie’s getting checked out by passing business-y looking Scottish women the second she steps off the plane, and has a look on her face that says, “I still got it. I’m Shane, motherfuckers.”

Frankie gets shuttled away from the airport by Jay, her straight dude friend, and then we meet Frankie’s ex Cat, who, in the midst of Important Architectural Work, receives a message from someone named Sam on GaydarGirls, asking her out for drinks. Just as we think we’re going to get more details, roommate Tess barges in with — what else, y’all? — SERIOUS EX DRAMZ.

Tess: This is Chloe’s Facebook picture, and this is a picture I took of her at your birthday party. One and the same!

Cat: Tess, I just need to…

Tess: She dumps me, and then the bitch has the audacity to use a sexy photo I took of her as her Facebook picture! I mean, is it just me, or is that criminal?

Tess convinces Cat to go on a date with the Gaydar Girl because it’s been two years since her breakup with Frankie which means it’s ‘moving on’ time. But now Tess needs a dress for her date that she left at Chloe’s when they de-U-Hauled.

Unsurprisingly, Ed and Tess end up hiding underneath the bed when Chloe returns home with her new lover, dashing in for a little afternoon delight. Obviously Tess goes on to blow her audition for face cream.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Sea of Terrible Ex-Girlfriend Demons We Haven’t Had Time to Develop ‘Cause It’s the First Episode, Frankie is wandering around the alley outside like the Diet Coke guy/Melissa Etheridge, and Cat eventually comes down from her window to be steely in the face of Frankie’s Aura.

It’s tense in that way that you know it’ll get a little tenser later.

At The Planet/Rubies, we see the entourage in action doing the things that entourages do: talking about trampling all over ex-girlfriends, talking about relationships past (Frankie persuaded Cat to leave her girlfriend and then shit got real). There’s a boy there and he has a girlfriend, we don’t care, and later he has a heart-to-heart with Frankie in front of everybody about taming his man-beast, which Frankie clearly has an interest in as well. Shots for everyone!

Cat’s Cop Date is that difficult to read type who always seems like they’re totally judging you and it makes you nervous and ramble and eventually, um, you know, talking about your ex-girlfriend a lot.

It’s still remarkably confusing how Cat and Frankie were ever together, which might be one of the show’s most interesting aspects so far.

The next day, Ed and Tess are just hangin’ out, dressed like kiwi soda cans, because they’re unemployed and broke and will do just about anything for cash. Aren’t we all.

Then they start talking about Ed’s grandparents’ sex life and eventually Tess has another moment where she could be Alice talking about her post-Gabby Devoux life, or she could be a new character altogether. Hard to tell.

The conversation switches to “über-babe” TV anchor Lou Foster, a very “straight-looking” brunette with strong Jenny Schecter-potential. Right down to that bow.

Tess walks in on Lou Foster crying in the bathroom, who has just been dumped by her (MARRIED!) boyfriend. Tess consoles her and we imagine will bring her over to the gay side soon enough.

At the funeral home we get more insight into Frankie’s damaged soul as she softly caresses the CORPSE of her dead aunt, where she is interrupted by her family, who hates her probs for being a homogay. Eventually there’s a heated argument, Frankie wants to know what her aunt wanted to tell her (re: voicemail), and Frankie ends up crying in a bathroom stall. It’s really sad because it’s always sadder when Shane cries.

It’s Cat to the rescue, and the first real attempt at reconciliation leads to another important lesbian cultural reference: the use of weed-related nostalgia (specifically, the first time they got stoned together and ate all of Frankie’s uncle’s posh biscuits, because sometimes, you do that).

Frankie turns the attempt at reconciliation into a makeout attempt (classic mistake). Cat freaks out. End poignant moment, leaving Frankie looking adorably confused/pained.

In another happier place, Tess and Lou are experiencing the burning fire of straight girl conversion at a bar and then take that lust to Lou’s super-swanky apartment over glasses of wine. Lou has these um, robots, and Tess really likes them, because she is the most adorable geek ever.

Lou has always wanted to kiss a woman, and now it’s starting time for that which is neat, but not as neat as what happens next when Cat goes to visit Frankie at the funeral parlor and heads down to the morgue where Frankie is fucking a random girl with a force and velocity that suggests fisting, a Papi’s Circles-Esque technique, and/or extreme dexterity despite the presence of a zip-fly and underpants and all that other shit. Or just an oddly choreographed sex scene.

Also, are they having sex or is Frankie trying to saw her leg off?

Cat stands there in horror and disbelief and runs out, the corpse doesn’t notice because the corpse is dead, and the funeral home receptionist doesn’t notice because Frankie’s hand is probably in her ovaries.

Upon finishing, Frankie gets this weird “what have I done”/”I must be seriously fucked up”/”I wish I was dead” look on her face and throws on her jacket.

Panting receptionist lady asks for Frankie’s number, like, “But, I mean, you’re the kind of girl who hooks up with strangers in mortuaries. How do I contact you?” but Frankie says that the girl doesn’t want it. Okay, neat. But Frankie’s gone, and on her way out she doesn’t see Cat, who is standing on the side of the street, bawling her pretty eyes out.

[/feelings]

And, before signing off, here’s the episode by the numbers:

+ Number of times someone cries in a bathroom: 2
+ Number of times Frankie has sex with someone up against a wall: 2
+ Number of times the term “Lezurrection” is used: 1
+ Number of shots taken during the obligatory bar scene: Don’t know, but I want some.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LIP SERVICE? Is it the new L Word, is it too much like The L Word, is it worse/better than you expected, do you care about these people, do you care about anything, just talk to me now.