Things I Do To Feel Submissive Even Though My Partner Isn’t Super Dominant

I want to lie back and take instruction. I want my partner to nudge me toward their pleasure. Hearing and knowing my partner is happy makes me happy. It even extends to my day-to-day behaviors and life. Some people have a submissive streak. But me? I am the submissive streak.

But my girlfriend isn’t dominant.

Growing into unexpected changes

Okay, so that opening may have read like kinky short-form horror. Which, now that I think about it, should be a thing. However, it’s not a horror story. It’s just an ordinary day in my intensely loving five-year relationship with my girlfriend, Lucy. We’re what I call a same-role or same sexual modality relationship. We both have sexual leanings that would typically be served by someone with the opposite leaning. In our case, we’re submissive. Typically, we’d seek out a dominant counterpart.

But, life doesn’t always go that way. Our relationship began heteronormatively. We were a heterosexual couple. My sex drive was spontaneous, and hers was responsive. I took the lead in our sex life. Despite good appearances, wearing some guy’s skin grew more tiresome with each passing day. I transitioned in 2020, and we kept the relationship. Even so, transitions mean change. I shed the assertive mask I’d worn my whole life and became a softer person.

Same-role relationships are not impossible

This left Lucy and I in an unusual position. My interest in initiating sex became one of the only casualties of transition. We spent long nights talking about the changing nature of our relationship. Our support for each other was unfaltering: It was always us vs. a problem and never me vs. you. We just needed common ground to work from.

The first sign came from her end when Lucy noticed she didn’t mind a downswing in sex. Her sex drive is responsive and goes into comfortable hibernation if nobody initiates. My sex drive had done something similar. The common ground we found was that neither of us saw the act of sex as a prerequisite for happiness. What we needed was a space to be intimate and express ourselves sexually. Sex with each other was a vehicle for that.

That was the breakthrough that saved our sex life. We didn’t need to have sex very often. We just needed to know that our sexuality and desires were respected. For her part, she started using her open relationship privileges to meet her needs. Getting a man to fuck my girlfriend is man’s work, and these sapphics aren’t afraid to outsource.

Being submissive without a dominant partner

For Lucy, the occasional night away with another partner or a threesome can satisfy her appetite. My desires work differently. I want to feel submissive on a regular basis — sex optional. The usual suggestion here would be to find someone dominant to complement you! Not a bad idea, but consider this: I’m a skittish, neurodivergent thing who is slow to trust and even slower to text.

My solution? Be a strong, independent submissive who is her own domme.

This is how I do it.

1. I don’t walk ahead of her.

I always walk a step behind Lucy or alongside her. I try not to ‘lead’. This maintains my comfortable following mindset and keeps my person in sight at all times. The main con is that I can be super useless about directions.

2. I collared myself.

Collaring is a big deal in BDSM. It represents willfully given authority over someone’s body. It’s a visible reminder of a relationship’s kinky values and achievements. It’s comforting. All of those values (and more!) fit me perfectly. Rather than subjecting my non-dominant girlfriend to the uncomfortable act of collaring me, I did it for myself. My collar is my love letter to me about my responsibilities of self-care and growth. It’s also very comfy. This is where ‘being my own domme’ got literal.

3. I do the little things.

I do things for her at every opportunity. I give her post-gym back massages with a home-mixed oil. I serve her meals first (partly because I can’t take hot food). I run her errands. I do anything in my power to make her life a bit easier.

4. She can touch as she pleases.

I want to make my body available to my partners. I don’t give access to it lightly, but Lucy has more than earned the right. She’s fully aware of the fact that she can touch me anywhere, anytime. This may conjure up images of a raunchy anything-goes fantasy, but remember that we’re both pretty chill people. The benign reality mostly involves boob-grabs and a butt touch as I walk past. It works just fine to make me feel desired.

Making space in a relationship

Relationships are about making reasonable compromises. I completely understand if a person needs sex to feel fulfilled. However, there’s room for ‘incompatibilities’ if we find mutually supportive ways to manage them. No person could fit my every need perfectly. That would be a hyper-dependent robot, not a complete and complex person. People come with hits and misses and, in the face of a survivable miss, I’ve made space for my desires within our loving relationship. Our relationship doesn’t have to end because our sexual interests don’t align.

You know what would end it? If one of us became a morning person.

I’m a Trans Woman, and This Is What’s in My Sex Bag

Three years ago, I quit being a man for mental health reasons. I spent the pandemic occupied with my changing sense of self and emerged a vibrant and secure young woman. I rewrote my whole life. Everything from the intricacies of my personhood to the pragmatics of casual sex needed work.

I’m settled into my new body and things that used to make me nervous — like packing for a sexual sleepover — come naturally again. I’ve actually ironed it down to a single backpack. Whether I’m popping over for a short tryst or spending the night, I have a list and a bag ready to go.

Here’s what’s in it.

---

Condoms

I’m a non-op trans woman and quite happy with this arrangement. Estrogen has made my fertility a rounding error, but condoms are still very relevant. Low fertility isn’t close enough to ‘zero’ for comfort, and condoms are mandatory for STI prevention. I’m also non-monogamous so regular condom use protects my partner, too.

My preferred penile condom is latex, smooth, and unscented. I had the (dis)pleasure trying several satisfactory types before settling on the basics. Despite the small risk of allergies, latex condoms remain the most accessible. Smooth condoms are a preference based on partner feedback. And unscented? My girlfriend has sensitive skin and has abolished scented skin products from the house.

Lube

A travel-sized bottle of water-based lube goes on all of my sexual excursions. Slippery stuff is equally useful on toys, appendages, and partners. I default to non-scented here for the same reason as the condoms. I don’t want to gamble on bringing something scented that a new partner hates. Strong floral scents make me gag, and I wouldn’t inflict the same on someone else.

Hygiene Essentials (germaphobe edition)

I have the profound misfortune of being a germaphobe who is very into anal sex. Yes, I’ve demanded compensation from Earth’s manager. No, I didn’t get a response.

The hygiene portion of my backpack is fastidiously chosen. A sensitive skin soap (unscented, of course) is gentle on the nether regions and also serves as harm reduction for my germaphobia. I wash my hands far more than necessary, and stronger soaps damage my skin. There are wet wipes and surface disinfecting wipes. The former is for bodies. The latter is for objects. There’s even an antibacterial skin cream for the occasional scrape.

For overnight stays, there’s always shampoo, conditioner, and contact lens solution. Everything is available to share with my partners — my germaphobic self could never deny anyone the desire to be very, very clean.

Adorable Plush Cat

I’m the anxious, neurodivergent sort. Experience has taught me I sleep better when I bring a bit of home with me. Typically, this is a plush cat I can snuggle after sex. As a victim of sexual violence, I have a high need for security before I’m comfortable enough to consent. Comfort objects provide that necessary security and happen to be good conversation starters.

A plush toy can even be used as a sex cushion for better positioning, but I always turn mine away when the activities begin.

Disclosure

Inspired by Cam Smith’s article, I also bring lots of disclosure. Potential partners are informed well in advance that I’m a non-op trans woman. If there was sexting, they’ll also know some of my positional preferences and kinks. A prerequisite conversation about boundaries, recent sexual history, and the use of protection is also mandatory. Non-communicative dregs shall not spread these legs.

Good disclosure and communication go both ways in my non-monogamous relationship. I keep my girlfriend aware of who I’m seeing and I make myself available to her input. It may not be something physical I pack, but I can’t conceive of sex without discussion.

Reflect Twice, Pack Once

I cultivated my sex bag based on my experiences and needs. It came from a place of pragmatism and evolved into a reflection of how I have sex. My idea of happy sex is well-considered and safe. In contrast, I’ve met lovers who dropped a toothbrush into their handbag before turning up at my door. Others arrive with a whole duvet and gaming laptop. Seeing how people pack for sex is a privileged thing. It’s a look into their comfort zone.

My bag gets adjusted from time to time. Sex toys and restraints appear as needed. My lesbian lovers are incredibly fond of my home-mixed massage oil. Its bag changes with my sexuality; I once found a thin, dusty spider web connecting two zippers after a particularly long dry spell.

But there are always energy bars in it.

How To Please a Pillow Princess, by a Pillow Princess

feature image by Manuela via Getty Images

I’m an avowed pillow princess — the enthusiastic recipient to sexual touch. Like a sweet, elegant cat. Much like cats, we’re also frequently misunderstood. Here are some basics about meeting us in the middle.

Pillow princess is a storied term in queer culture that describes people who enjoy sex as a receiving partner. It has its roots in 90s lesbian circles, where pillow princesses often mixed with stone partners who insisted on providing sexual pleasure. It’s evolved beyond lesbian-identified people, but the term isn’t always viewed positively. I’d love to dispel some myths and offer some pointers about meeting us.

What’s a Pillow Princess?

The main requirement to being a pillow princess is having a strong interest in being the partner who receives sexual touch. How deeply that matters can vary a lot. Some people insist on it. Others, like myself, prefer being a receiving partner and find that role more comfortable.

While the concept originated in lesbian circles, it doesn’t have to be locked to a gender. Anyone can describe themselves as a pillow princess if they find it fitting. Pillow prince is sometimes used as a masculine form. I’m open to ideas for a genderless version, too. A pillow paramour? Cushion companion? Bolster beneficiary?

What a Pillow Princess Isn’t

Okay, time for some mythbusting.

Lazy

I really don’t like this one. Alongside terms like starfish and mattress queen, being called a pillow princess has become associated with laziness. It’s often stricken from its rich, queer origins and used to deride people. Sexual pleasure looks different for everyone and characterizing us as “lazy” is missing the point of what it means to be a receiving partner.

Necessarily Femme

Pillow princesses evolved from lesbian dynamics that often involved a masculine “top” partner and feminine “bottom” partner. Maybe that’s where the snappy, gendered alliteration came from. That historical context is important, but people don’t have to be femme to prefer receiving pleasure. That plays into a stereotype of femininity being sexually passive, which is unhelpful.

Disinterested

Perhaps even worse than being thought of as lazy, we get painted with the brush of indifference. Sex can be a chore, but it’s a wide leap to treat everyone in a group as apathetic. On the contrary, pillow princesses are often very interested in sex — so interested that we want to communicate our needs clearly.

How To Make Your Pillow Princess Happy

So you plan to meet a pillow princess. Call me biased, but I think everyone involved is very lucky. Let’s talk about making the time as enjoyable (and comfortable) for all.

Treat the label as an affectionate letter

An interested pillow princess who tells you about their sexual interest is communicating their desires. It’s a disclosure of how we want to spend time with you and an invitation into our mind. Sexual communication is often difficult, so it can be downright refreshing to have someone give you a broad-strokes version of what they want in bed. Like anyone, we adore being listened to and having an open line of communication.

Discuss interests and boundaries

Just because someone has told you about their sensuality shouldn’t remove your say. Understanding someone’s identity is a base to work from, but we all have unique boundaries and needs. Take time to learn what being a pillow princess means to your partner and how they enjoy sex. I’m a low-pressure lover who dislikes exertion due to a disability. Others mix sex with low-intensity activities like a show or snacks. Talking is the best way to find out.

Guide and be guided

Good sex with a pillow princess is like topping a kinky submissive. Your partner appreciates you just for taking the lead and it only gets better from there. Like many kinksters, we’re sensation lovers — being present and seen is pleasurable to us. So take what you’ve learned about your partner to have sex that you’ll both adore. Lead the festivities but be willing to listen to your partner’s guidance.

A comfy place

If savoring a relaxed partner’s whole self sounds like the stuff of dreams, then pillow princesses might be a match for you. We relish the chance to show a new person the intricacies of our bodies. In fact, if any of the advice I described looks a lot like standard good practice, you’re definitely on the right track. The basics of communication and respect always apply.

And lots of soft cushions. Maybe a snack, too…

25 Streaming Movies With Hot Lesbian Sex Scenes

Lesbian sex: it’s a thing we have, but it’s also a thing we watch other people have on a screen! We love a good lesbian sex scene. These formative cinematic experiences have helped make us the gay sexual creatures we are today.

Five years ago, I solicited hot lesbian sex scene tips on twitter and combined that input with my own personal opinions, which includes the opinion that Elena Undone is a bad movie and nobody should have to watch it for any reason. That list has evolved over time into this list — an up-to-date collection of the best lesbian sex scenes that you can stream right this very moment.

This is not a comprehensive list, and only represents films available to stream. I imagine if you’re here with me today reading this, you’re probably not looking for recommendations on DVDs to mail-order. Just a hunch!

This post was originally written in 2018 and has been updated in 2023.

---

Kinky Lesbian Sex Scenes

Bound (1996)

Directed & Written By: Lana Wachowski & Lilly Wachowski

Lana and Lilly were fans of sex-positive guru Susie Bright’s Lesbian Sex World, so they sent her a package in the early ’90s that contained a draft of Bound, asking if she’d honor them with a cameo. (Lana and Lilly are sisters and trans women who at the time that this film was made were still presenting as male.) It wasn’t an unusual request or one that particularly interested her, but she was impressed by the studio they were associated with and thus sat down to read the script. She fell in love with it immediately and agreed to the cameo but also offered them a different type of support: “If you don’t think I’m too presumptuous, could I be your lesbian-sex consultant?,” she wrote. “I notice that whenever two lovers fall into an embrace, it doesn’t say exactly what happens next. On behalf of every moviegoer who can’t live through another syrupy, comb all lesbian love scene, could I please, please, please give you my words of advice on what two women like this would do in bed together?”  They said yes, and she did, and holy shit did that decision pay off! Bound is streaming on Paramount+.

The Duke of Burgundy (2015)

Directed & Written by: Peter Strickland

The Duke of Burgundy involves an extensive, drawn-out dom/sub relationship between a lepidopterist (somebody who studies butterflies) and the maid she brings into her home who has a lot of very kinky desires. It’s a very… unique film? There’s no actual nudity but the lingerie they’re wearing is so hot that it sort of compensates for itself. The Duke of Burgundy is streaming on Tubi.

The Handmaiden (2016)

Directed by: Chan-wook Park
Written by: Chan-wook Park and Seo-Kyung Chung, adapted from Fingersmith, by Sarah Waters

A beautiful, thrilling, meticulously plotted film; sumptuous and precise and erotically charged throughout. I could watch The Handmaiden ten times and it wouldn’t be enough but nothing will ever beat that first twisty time. Pajaba called it “the lesbian gothic psychosexual romantic thriller of our dreams.” Teo Bugbee at MTV called it “a film dedicated to getting off on the creative potential of sexuality, and by grounding that open exploration of desire in a story where two women find freedom through each other.” The sex itself isn’t kinky, but the movie is so directly about kink that it made the list anyhow. The Handmaiden is streaming on Prime Video.

Mommy is Coming (2012)

Written by: Sarah Schulman & Cheryl Dunye
Directed by: Cheryl Dunye

Cheryl Dunye’s campy sex comedy set in the Berlin queer underground finds power femme Dylan (Lili Harlow) and charming masc Claudia (played by queer porn performer Papi Coxxx) looking to spice up their monogamous relationship with some sexual adventures. Dylan finds new experiences in a BDSM sex club and Claudia, now presenting as Claude, meets an older woman at the hotel where he works who turns out to be Dylan’s Mom! “With its embrace of older bodies, bodies of color, and bodies that do not fit into any one gender, the film also reflects an ever more fluid sense of erotic queer representation,” writes Julia Bryan-Wilson in ArtForum. “All manner of configurations of desire are on display here, as an astonishing array of objects and appendages are inserted and received in various orifices.” Mommy is Coming is streaming on Prime Video.

Professor Marston & The Wonder Women (2017)

Directed & Written by: Angela Robinson

If you don’t want any men in your sex scenes, this isn’t the film for you. But if that element doesn’t turn you off, you’re in for a lesbian-written-and-directed DELIGHT. This movie is hot and kinky as hell and makes you feel like it’s okay to want what you want and it will probably inspire you to go out there and get what you want without shame or inhibition. Professor Marston & The Wonder Women is streaming on Vudu.

---

Wow Just a Lot of Lesbian Sex Happening

Better Than Chocolate (1999)

Directed by: Anne Wheeler
Written by: Peggy Thompson

I’m sorry everybody but this is a mediocre film and the sex scenes give me chronic internalized homophobia but so many of you brought this up on Twitter that I felt obligated to include it. It was, for its time, pretty wonderful, and was the first movie to show a trans woman with a lesbian friend group. It does have, to its credit, a lot of sexual content — we’ve got a sex toy collector, we’ve got bodypaint sex, we’ve got shower sex, we’ve got a mom discovering sex toys, we’ve got bathroom sex complete with a line of lesbians (patiently??!) waiting to use the bathroom where sex is being had. So much sex! Good on everybody involved in this seminal film for having sex! Better Than Chocolate is streaming on Tubi.

Concussion (2013)

Directed & Written By: Stacie Passon

After a concussion, a lesbian mom decides to become a sex worker who only sees women clients, leading to a bunch of small trysts and one complicated affair. Once upon a time I was feeling not particularly sexual but knew sex was on the agenda for that evening so I turned off all the lights and watched this movie with as much devoted attention as I possibly could muster and you know what, it worked! Concussion is streaming on Vudu.

Duck Butter (2018)

Directed by: Miguel Arteta
Written by: Miguel Arteta, Alia Shawkat

In her review, Heather Hogan wrote that the sex scenes, “which feel real and are not male gaze-y in any way,” were a highlight of this mumblecore movie. Naima (Shawkat), a struggling actor in Los Angeles; and Sergio (Laia Costa); meet at a club and hook up and decide to spend a sleepless 24 hours together, having sex once an hour. Duck Butter is streaming on Netflix.

A Perfect Ending (2012)

Written & Directed by: Nicole Conn

A very hot mommi has never had an orgasm and her lesbian friends are like “okay you need to see someone” and by “someone” they mean an escort, played by undeniably absurdly hot lesbian actress Jessica Clark!! A steamy affair ignites in a film that finds a new way to be extra at every turn. A Perfect Ending is streaming on Prime Video.

Ride or Die (2021)

Directed By: Ryûichi Hiroki
Written By: Nami Yoshikawa and Ching Nakamura

This two and a half hour epic may start with a heterosexual — and bloody — sex scene but the rest of the movie is filled with lesbian longing and the consummation of that longing. Kiko Mizuhara and Honami Sato have incredible chemistry and make this gratuitous (in every sense) murder drama a real delight. Ride or Die is streaming on Netflix.

Room in Rome (2010)

Written & Directed by: Julio Medem

This is a terrible film you should probably only watch on drugs if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s also a film composed almost entirely of lesbian sex scenes and the two women involved in those scenes having conversations about their feelings and childhood trauma. Room in Rome is streaming on Tubi.

---

Romantic Lesbian Sex Scenes

Ammonite (2020)

Written & Directed By: Francis Lee

This movie is as dull as the fossils it wants us to mediate on but might possibly actually be worth it for the sex scenes? They come straight out of the grey skies and sit right on your face! Full nudes! Kate Winslet finally takes that dress off!! Ammonite is streaming on Hulu.

I Can’t Think Straight (2008)

Directed by: Shamim Sarif
Written by: Shamim Shaif, Kelly Moss

I Can’t Think Straight is a tale of what happens when two very attractive women sustain intense amounts of sexual tension for a series of minutes, breaking every now and then to release that tension through sex scenes. Erin loved it! I Can’t Think Straight is streaming on Tubi.

Kiss Me / Kyss Mig (2011)

Directed By: Alexandra-Therese Keining, Therese Keining
Written By: Alexandra-Therese Keining

One way to check if you’re really falling in love or not is to have sex. Just ask these two ladies who are about to become step-sisters! It’s complicated, sure, but any lesbian could tell you that complicated is just another word for “irresistibly hot.”  Kiss Me is streaming on Tubi.

Summertime / La Belle Saison (2016)

Directed by: Catherine Corsini
Written by: Catherine Corsini & Laurette Polmanss

The poster for this film is not lying to you: The two women at the center of this story do indeed spend a lot of time naked. Set in 1971, Catherine Corsini’s sex and protest filled romance is about a young woman from the French countryside who moves to Paris to get away from her parents, where she falls in with a group of politically engaged feminists and falls in love with their leader Carol. They even have great French countryside sex! Summertime is streaming on Prime Video.

---

There’s Only One Lesbian Sex Scene But It Sure Is Hot!

Atomic Blonde (2017)

Directed By: David Leitch
Written By: Kurt Johnstad

My jaw dropped right there in the movie theater when this sex scene began because it was so hot and so real and there it was in a mainstream movie! “Honestly I really thought Atomic Blonde was the best I’ve ever seen,” wrote @nollers on Twitter, “which sounds ridiculous because the scenes are so short, but the heat felt real and the progression felt natural and sincere. It was so passionate and honestly, I’m a sucker for the little bit of danger.” Atomic Blonde is streaming on Prime Video.

Bruised (2020)

Directed By: Halle Berry
Written By: Michelle Rosenfarb

Halle Berry showed a lot of directorial talent in her debut feature and that talent included shooting an incredible lesbian sex scene between herself and Sheila Atim! It’s tender and erotic and specific and marks a real shift for her character. Some sex scenes are frivolous — this is one of the best parts of the whole film. But it still makes this category because it is, above all else, very hot. Bruised is streaming on Netflix.

Chloe (2010)

Directed by: Atom Egoyan
Written by: Erin Cressida Wilson

An erotic thriller that sees Catherine (Julianne Moore) hiring Chloe (Amanda Seyfried) to attempt to seduce her husband but, of course, we know how these things go. She finds Chloe’s descriptions of hooking up with her husband to be kinda hot and before you know it the two ladies have a romp of their own. Can you endure the entire ridiculous film for three minutes of Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried having lesbian sex? There’s only one way to find out! Chloe is streaming on Netflix.

The Hunger (1983)

Directed By: Tony Scott
Written By: James Costigan and Michael Thomas

While this is a film filled from beginning to end with a dangerous sexuality, there is one scene that stands out. If you’ve seen the film, you know the scene. Susan Sarandon spills sherry on her see-through white t-shirt and Catherine Deneuve is like you better change and then the two of them are in bed surrounded by billowy white curtains and they’re fucking and sucking and sucking blood. Forty years later it’ll still make you swoon. The Hunger is streaming on Prime Video.

Je, tu, il, elle (1974)

Written & Directed by: Chantal Akerman

Chantal Akerman’s body of work always rewards patience. That’s true in this film when it comes to cinema and lesbian sex. After spending most of the film hiding in her room and then traveling with a man, the protagonist played by Akerman arrives at her ex’s apartment. The film ends with 15 straight minutes of full-on fully-naked clawing folding connecting yearning lesbian sex. Je Tu Il Elle is streaming on Max.

The Watermelon Woman (1997)

Written & Directed By: Cheryl Dunye

Video store clerk and filmmaker Cheryl is making a documentary about Fae Richards, a Black actress as “The Watermelon Woman” who is rumored to have dated her white female director. Amid this research, Cheryl begins her own complicated relationship with Diana (Guinevere Turner). Eventually the two women find themselves having lesbian sex that the Philadelphia City Paper described as “the hottest dyke sex scene ever recorded on celluloid” when it premiered in the late 90s. The Watermelon Woman is streaming on Paramount+.

---

There’s Only One Lesbian Sex Scene But It Sure Is Exciting!

The Carmilla Movie (2017)

Directed By: Spencer Maybee
Written By: Alejandro Alcoba and Jordan Hall

The two women in question shed their period outfits before settling into a solid five minutes or so of lesbian sex, executed with loving, genuine detail. Bonus points for setting it to Uh Huh Her, my own personal Sex Soundtrack of 2007. The Carmilla Movie is streaming on Prime Video.

Carol (2015)

Directed by: Todd Haynes
Written by: Phyllis Nagy, based on the novel by Patricia Highsmith

Have you heard of this movie? There’s a very nice May/December lesbian romance that eventually consummates itself. Carol is streaming on Netflix.

Disobedience (2018)

Directed by: Sebastián Lelio
Written by: Sebastián Lelio and Rebecca Lenkiewicz, based on the novel by Naomi Alderman

The first thing anybody ever learned about Disobedience was that it included a lesbian sex scene involving somebody spitting into somebody else’s mouth. “All the wetness, the spitting in the mouth, the pubic hair, the vaginas, but also leaving some of it to the audience to imagine,” said Rachel Weisz to Heather Hogan on the actual telephone, regarding this 6-minute sex scene. “Where is the other woman’s mouth, where are her fingers? It was important for him to focus on our faces to really capture that desire. There’s something very spiritual about their sex. I’m really proud of it.” Disobedience is streaming on Hulu.

Gia (1997)

Directed By: Michael Cristofer
Written By: Jay McInerney, Michael Cristofer

An erotically-charged photoshoot involving lesbian groping through a chain-link fence, followed by intense lesbian sex, followed by and also honestly preceeded by a lot of “Angelina Jolie with her shirt off.” There’s a lot of physical intimacy with her on-again-off-again girlfriend in this film, which is ultimately a tragic, heartbreaking story, based on a heartbreaking real life. Gia is streaming on Max.

Multiple Maniacs (1970)

Written and Directed By: John Waters

The only lesbian sex scene on this list involving a drag queen and the only one where a rosary is used as anal beads! The beauty of this scene is that it manages to be hilarious, sacrilegious, and still hot. There’s an irreverent sexuality here that could only be from the mind of John Waters. Multiple Maniacs is streaming on Max.

---

There’s Only One Sex Scene But It Sure Is Revelatory!

Anaïs in Love (2021)

Written & Directed By: Charline Bourgeois-Tacquet

The titular character of this beautiful French farce follows her desires without shame. So when her fascination with her lover’s wife turns erotic, she follows that impulse. This culminates in an extremely hot and life-changing beach scene that disproves once and for all anyone who complains that beach sex is too sandy. Anaïs in Love is streaming on Hulu.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999)

Directed by: Jamie Babbit
Written by: Brian Wayne Peterson and Jamie Babbit

This entire film was notoriously de-sexed in order to avoid an NC-17 rating, but the tender, softly soundtracked furtive sex scene between Graham and Megan at conversion camp holds a special place in our hearts. “But I’m a Cheerleader’s sex scene didn’t make me gay,” wrote @DeepLezPower on twitter, “but it definitely helped.” But I’m a Cheerleader is streaming on Tubi.

Desert Hearts (1985)

Directed By: Robert Louis Stevenson, Donna Deitch
Written By: Jane Rule, Natalie Cooper

Desert Hearts features the first lesbian sex scene in a lesbian-made movie to get a major theatrical release and was #4 on our list of the 50 Best Lesbian Movies of All Time, where Drew describes it as “a period piece decades ahead of its time.” Desert Hearts is streaming on Max.

Mars One (2022)

Written & Directed By: Gabriel Martins

This family drama would be a remarkable movie even if it didn’t include a brief but important lesbian sex scene. Every member of our central family has big dreams despite a society that makes mere survival a challenge. Eunice’s brother dreams of going to space — Eunice just dreams of her own apartment where she can lead a free queer life. She gets a taste of this dream and puts an empty apartment to good use by having sex with her girlfriend. Mars One is streaming on Netflix.

Saving Face (2005)

Written & Directed By: Alice Wu

Coming in at #2 on our 50 Best Lesbian Movies of All Time list, Saving Face is one of the best romcoms of all time period. Its sex scene is brief, but it’s such a rewarding and joyful sexual experience for the characters, who are by the way naked. Saving Face is streaming on Prime Video.

---

Obviously not every great moment in cinematic lesbian sex was included here, which means I bet you’ll have some to add in the comments! FYI: Below Her Mouth, When Night is Falling, and If These Walls Could Talk 2 are not available to stream, so they are not included here.

The Cozy Under-The-Covers Sex You’re Having This Fall, According to Your Zodiac Sign

Hey there my absolutely down bad zodiac-sign havers. Wondering what kind of queer sex your sign’s going to be having this fall? I’m going to tell you, don’t worry. Take it as a suggestion, by the way, not a prediction. These are goals to lean into, vibes to ascend to, hot thoughts to think. YMMV.

Virgo season is over. And as horny and kinky as Virgoes can tend to be, this season also occurred with a Venus Retrograde, which I’m hearing is all about discovering, learning, accepting the kind of love you need and deserve — and if breakups were involved, facing facts about the kind of treatment you do not deserve. Now, it’s time to put away your to-do lists and get out your Who-To-Do lists because temperatures are dropping, there’s a chill in the air, and Michael’s apparently has pastel Halloween decor on sale.

It’s time for our favorite thing, which is finally being able to sleep under heavy covers again — a gift that climate change is slowly, gradually robbing us of as it shaves off more and more cool nights every year. Might as well enjoy it while we got it, right? Also, Mercury is pulling out of retrograde, so get ready to feel like you can actually communicate again. Which, as a frequent advice giver and editor here at Autostraddle — I can tell you that one thing we will never shut up about is the fact that when it comes to sex and queer sex, communication is key.

So get ready to hop under the covers, rot (hotly) under a weighted blanket, or dive into that pile of stuffies with someone sapphic and sexy and read on for your fall sex horoscope!

---

Virgo

Hand Sex

Put down your pencils and do your carpal tunnel stretches because we’re getting back to basics. Not only is this a classic for a reason, it’s also coming up for your zodiac sign’s sexy horoscope outlook because this fall, you’re going to want to pay attention to your partner and learning more details about them. With hand sex, fingering your partner, muffing your partner, fisting your partner, or receiving any of these things — the meeting of those sensitive nerve endings under the pads of your fingers and the blood and nerves and energy pulsing under your partner’s skin (or vice versa, can’t leave the bottoms out of this) will teach you so much, about what feels good, about what your partner desires, about where you are, how to be present, and what you want.

Libra

Edging

Libra, you’re not exactly known for your enjoyment of delayed gratification, but as we move out of the recent convergence of retrogrades and embrace intentionality and slowness, there’s no better time to get comfortable under the covers and draw things out, nice and slow. New to the concept? Here’s how to edge. Whether you’re edging yourself during some under-the-covers-autumnal-masturbation, edging a partner or being taken to the brink again and again by someone yourself, this exercise will help you let go of your need to always be thinking three steps ahead. It’s time to be present, Libra, maybe so present you forget your own name.

Scorpio

Putting Your Secret Fantasy Into Words

It’s time to put in the effort to enact a long-thought-about but under-discussed or under-realized fantasy of yours. Whether you’ve been hesitant to explore these thoughts yourself, or you’ve given yourself pause with a partner, it’s time to ask yourself what you’re losing by not opening up the floor to give these ideas some air. You’re a dark Pandora’s box of desire. What’s the worst that could happen if you cracked the lid? Maybe not the best metaphor, but you get it. That thing that’s pulsing inside of you? There’s no better time to whisper it into someone else’s ear than when you’re snug and cuddling under fluffy blankets in the dark. It’s like they can barely see you. And then, who knows, you might just get what you ask for.

Sagittarius

Outdoor Sex

It’s still under the covers… but you’re outside. Under the covers and outside! The covers here might be a sleeping bag, but it still counts! And really, aren’t you under the ultimate cover, the stars and the night sky? There’s something that comforts you deeply about the crisp outdoor air catching on the spit leftover from kissing someone, while your body is toasty and wrapped in your bag. Out here, your roommates aren’t going to hear you moaning. Plus, your hair probably smells like campfire and so does your partner’s. Inhale deeply and appreciate the fact that you’re alive. This activity can be done solo, with a partner, even with one or more friends! And while outdoor sex scratches one itch, the fact that you got away for a little while before winter sets in is sure to do it for your get-up-and-get-out tendencies.

Capricon

Strap-On Sex

You’re a deep one, Capricorn, but you’re also a horny goat who wants to bury yourself deep inside a partner (or experience same). This fall, you’re pitching a tent under the covers as you wear your favorite strap-on harness — or test out a new one — and generate so much friction and heat that you’ll be able to delay turning your thermostat on for yet another night. A lot of people love to rag on the “work hard” aspect of your zodiac sign, but they really should give the “play hard” side you keep wrapped up a chance. Why? Because you’re hot.

Aquarius

Costumed Sex

When it comes to the zodiac signs, dear Aquarius, your thriftiness is oft-overlooked. This fall season, in pursuit of making under-the-covers sex more weird than cozy, your zodiac sign is hitting up the clearance section of your local Spirit and other Halloween stores. What for? You’re on the hunt for creepy contacts, realistic vampire fangs, wigs and body paint and long, sensually scratchy claws. You’re in the mood to invite the monster that lives under your bed up to join you under the covers, to be the monster, to let something nefarious and queer take over your soul and turn you into a cannibalistic succubus or a vampire priest or whatever your heart desires. Your heart does desire some pretty out-there things, though.

Pisces

Sex Inspired By Your Latest Erotic Reading Material

Hey there, friend. I know summer was hard, maybe a little busy, and that you needed some time to escape into some erotica or fanfiction or sensual audio stories. You might even be feeling like that time was lost. Not so. I think you learned a lot about yourself and your desires during. Now, comes the dare. Either share a sensual scenario with a partner or revisit one by yourself — and bring it to life. You wanted to be seduced by a sword-fighting lesbian? Did you know you can roleplay that? Did you listen to a story where someone used a certain technique or toy and found yourself absolutely pulsating thinking about the possibility? It might be time to make it a reality. You’re a dreamer, but under those soft covers, it’s a safe space to weave words from a page into out-loud moans and slippery fluids that feel like the exact opposite of paper when they’re sliding between your fingers.

Aries

Sex With Rope

Babe, I don’t even know if this is special for fall, but you are all about it. You’re spending a little more time indoors, now, maybe practicing your knots. If you’re currently sexing it up solo, self-bondage can be a soothing avenue to explore. And if you’re tying up a partner, it can’t hurt to revisit some classic ties. Plus, all of the tension between the rope and the fabric of the blankets, the comfort and the restraint, will make for some delicious play!

Taurus

A Threesome! (Or Fantasy Thereof.)

That’s right, Taurus, your zodiac sign has the potential to have a threesome if you can actually get everyone else involved on the same page. It’s no time to feel like someone else, even a Virgo or a Capricorn, is going to take the organizational load. They’re off in their own world, dealing with their own stuff. If you want people to step up to the plate and step into your bed, trust that the other adults who are into you might be willing, but you might have to do some admin work to bring the plan home.

Gemini

Morning Sex After Hot Coffee in Bed

It’s a little past your season, you sweet spring babe, and you might be tempted to sleep in. But, hear me out. What if you (maybe with a partner or two) poured yourselves some hot coffee (or tea or beverage of your choosing) and crawled back into bed to flirt while you woke up just enough to manage some sleepy kisses, and then some sleepy hands slipping under the sheets. Bonus: when your friends and coworkers ask about your healthy glow, you get to be a little coy.

Cancer

Sensual Sex While Wearing Robes Fit for Divorcées

It’s getting cold but, Cancer, your zodiac sign is having hot sex any time of the year. People think of you as a crybaby sometimes, and a nurturing figure other times, but they don’t think enough about the fact that when you’re between the sheets, you’re practically a boudoir model. You’re in search of soft or silky or lacy fabrics that make you feel like a deity. Whether you’re topping or pillow royalty, I recommend that you turn your attention to primping your appearance just before sex, so that you can really lean into the fact that it’s fall and your face no longer feels like it’s melting off. You’re trading feeling sweaty and hot for hotness, lighting scented candles, breaking out the massage oils and taking things at a measured steady pace. Maybe take a few photos to save for the winter, for when even poking your head above the covers will feel like a trial. You often worry about the future, but my recommendation is to take that energy, and use it to make memories now that you can hang onto in the long run.

Leo

Butt Stuff

Leo, you’ve been running around all summer, feeling the spotlight shining on you. But now, the spotlight has turned to your butt, or your partner’s butt, or all of the above. New to butt stuff? My dear, brave, Leo. Look no further than this butt toy guide. Anal play need not be about railing or finger-banging or moving quickly. It can also be sensual and spicy — like a Pumpkin Spice Latte! If you’re finding that your under-the-cover sex could be bolder, then it might be a good time to try some impact play. You can always soothe your partner’s peach (or have your partner sooth yours) with soft touches and warm kisses under your quilts and weighted blankets when you’re done. Feeling the distance with your long-term relationship? Start your morning by using the golden hour to take a butt selfie to send them to admire over their morning coffee.

---

So, what kind of under-the-covers sex are you hoping to have this fall?

Queer Audio Erotica Changed My Life, Helped Me Connect My Mind and Body

This Changed My Life is an ode to the small, seemingly chill purchases bought by Autostraddle writers and editors this year that made our lives infinitely better. Did these items LITERALLY CHANGE OUR LIFE? No, we’re being gay and dramatic. But perhaps a pair of sunglasses really did change your life — who are we to judge?

---

I was a late bloomer when it comes to all things sex and sexuality. My first experience with porn was through my first girlfriend, who had a subscription to Crashpad, a queer and ethical alternative to mainstream porn sites. Through her, I learned about why paying for erotica is important, what makes porn ethical, and what inclusivity could really look like. Up until then, I never went venturing for sexual content because I assumed it would just consist of white cis men with white cis women. Plus, it just never seemed real or convincing.

Once my ex and I broke up, I explored — and admittedly got a little lost in — the world of unethical erotica. Still ashamed and confused, even as a full adult, I went looking for something I didn’t have to pay for since I was a student, had no money, and no ex to mooch off of. Through this long phase of exploring, I stumbled upon a queer audio erotica site through one of my favorite podcasts at the time, FANTI. The hosts were big fans of this app, and I trusted the hosts, so I gave the free download a try. At first, I didn’t totally get it. Why would I want to listen to long, drawn-out stories between people I don’t know who may or may not satisfy my needs? I figured I must be missing something because the reviews were all so stellar, so I dove a little deeper.

Dipsea is a queer audio erotica site that offers mini podcast-style episodes and series that follow some type of kink, arc, or general plot. I started playing around with the app by simply searching for tags I liked such as “Her + Her,” “Voyeurism,” or “Bondage.” It then became a process of listening and liking or disliking, very similar to how you might “like” something on Spotify or Apple Music. I started with short little stories about dating app hookups where we were in and out of the scene within 10 minutes. Then, as the algorithm learned what I liked, I was introduced to longer stories about ex-lovers, friends with benefits, a person with their repairwoman, a married couple trying to do home renovations, two soccer players and their coach. As I waded through new territory with patience, I was learning that instant gratification isn’t what I wanted or needed at all.

Dispea was created to replace patriarchal porn with what a lot of us are searching for in the bedroom: something that envelopes our mind and body. The five to 20 minute buildup stories work with your imagination. It drops you into a completely new world, and you can co-create within the world of the episode. If it wasn’t obvious already, Dispea changed my life because it introduced me to a part of my own sexuality I didn’t realize I wanted or needed. It allowed me to explore a world where I wasn’t forced to look at something I had no interest in, just to find the small gems of content I am interested in. I didn’t need to worry about how young the sex workers are, because they’re paid employees of the company. I didn’t feel like I needed to worry about Asian fetishizing, because they all feel real to me, but other people of color have given backlash about tokenizing and lack of representation, especially with Black stories, and not just Black voices. Over the past two years as a loyal subscriber, I’ve certainly seen the diversity of their content grow. While I can’t speak to how authentic each story is to the race and ethnicity it’s claiming to represent, I will say it presents a range of voices and is expanding.

For $59.99 a year, I’m given access to bedtime stories, astrology stories, guides, episodes, and mini audiobooks about anything I could imagine. The context of each audio clip feels like a safe haven to explore parts of myself I may be unfamiliar with. It seems like every time I’m on the app, I discover something I didn’t realize I liked. I now have all types of preferences saved, so it knows my go-tos and what could potentially interest me, and it gives me updates when a certain series expands or a favorite actor records new content. It’s fairly simple to use, mostly guilt free, and versatile. Most importantly, it really has changed the way I see my own sexuality and how some of my friends and lovers see their own as well. Just a few weeks ago, I was telling my friend about Dipsea and she was so deeply excited that any type of mainstream audio erotica existed. She figured that because she’s blind, erotic content just wasn’t made for her and everyone else with visual impairments. She was so taken aback that we even listened to one of my favorites together on the phone, and she was thrilled the content existed in this form. Her experience of accessibility isn’t everyone’s, but it was a very meaningful moment.

Queer audio erotica certainly exists outside of my discovery of Dipsea, but this was my entry point. The streamlined organization, one-stop-shop layout, and minimalistic, hassle-free app hooked me into discovering completely new ways of working with pleasure. Most importantly, it helped me connect my mind and body to itself, and when it comes to sex, that’s the firmest foundation I could ask for.

What Does It Mean to Be a “Bottom” or “Submissive” in Lesbian Sex?

Like so many elements of queer culture, nailing down the terms “top” and “bottom” are harder than you might think. Whether you’re perusing queer personals, swiping on Tinder or talking to your friends at an inappropriate volume in a public park; it seems like many LGBTQ women and/or trans folks are eager as beavers to identify as a bottom, top or switch. But as many moviegoers may be wondering this weekend after seeing the film Bottoms — what does it mean to be a bottom? What is the meaning of submissive? Well luckily we have unearthed this post from 2018 to get you back into the realm of knowledge on this topic.

The Tops, Bottoms And Switches Sex Survey

Here’s the results from a survey we conducted about these slippery words, for which over 3.6k people showed up to share their tops and bottoms with me. These are the demographics of the respondents:

How Many Bottoms Are Out There?

Although these terms/identities seem popular and ubiquitous, our survey revealed that people who identify specifically as tops or bottoms are in the minority overall.

There were also some interesting delineation around trans status — 36% of trans women identify as bottoms, compared to just 14% of cis women and 11% of non-binary or agender people.

What Does It Mean To Be A Bottom?

Before our culture adopted top/bottom as terminology relevant to non-kinky sex, the terms were primarily used by gay men or in kink or BDSM contexts by both straight and LGBTQ+ people.

Survey responses suggested that there are three distinct approaches to these terms from queer women, trans men and non-binary people:

1. “Bottom” as an identity relevant to non-kinky sex;
2. “Bottom” as a concept relevant to kinky sex, distinct from “submissive”;
3. “Bottom” and “submissive” as interchangeable concepts within kinky sex.

Now that we know there’s literally no way to define any of those words in a way that speaks to everybody’s experiences, let’s try to do ti anyway!

What Do Bottoms Like To Do In Bed?

We asked survey-takers to indicate their passion for giving and receiving a variety of sexual acts, and also asked them to define what “bottom” means to them. We’ve included some of the most popular activities below. (Note that scissoring / dry-humping was not included on the survey as it has no clear giving/receiving dynamics.)

The penetration-related activities mentioned in the below graphic involve fingers and strap-ons because they were the acts most statistically numerous in our survey results, but of course other kinds of penetrative sex exist for cis and trans women, non-binary people and trans men, including penetration with toys or with penises, and those activities are enjoyed by many bottoms of all kinds.

While bottoms expressed a similar level of interest in giving external stimulation as they are in getting it, there was a distinct preference for receiving when it came to all penetration-related activities.

So, “Bottoming” Can Mean…

Getting Penetrated Exclusively or More Often

For gay men, tops penetrate and bottoms get penetrated. In lesbian sexual culture, the only word that absolutely means “I don’t get penetrated” is “stone,” but many bottoms defined their role like this one bottom did: “the one being fingered, the one being fucked by the strap on, etc.” 30% of bottoms said digital penetration was one of their favorite things to receive and 32% said the same for strap-on penetration, compared to 9.5% of tops and 5% of tops, respectively.

“I think being a bottom typically just means you like getting fucked,” Ari, a non-binary writer told me, “and tbh that usually just means you like being fucked first, since people (hopefully) tend to reciprocate.”

One blissful bottom on our survey described bottoming as “one who follows the lead of a more dominant partner during sex and/or the partner who is usually on the receiving end of sex acts, although since queer/lesbian sex is so varied, that can be more the feeling of being the one getting fucked than a specific role in a specific sex act.” Oral sex, for example, can truly go either way — going down on somebody can feel super toppy or super bottomy, depending on the context, the power dynamic, the dirty talk around it, and other physical actions and cues.

Letting Someone Else Take Control Of The Sexual Experience

On our survey, only 10% of bottoms said they liked “being in control” in bed, and a whopping 47.4% said they actively don’t like being in control. This came up a lot in respondents’ own definitions too, with one bottom defining their persuasion as: “Someone who is happiest letting other people take the lead in a bedroom situation.”

“Bottoming is an act,” says Ari, “which to me means choosing to let someone sort of determine the direction our sexy time will take.”

“To me, being a bottom means I like to cede control in bed,” wrote one bottom on our survey. “I am kind of a control freak normally, so letting someone else take control can be very liberating.”

“It’s not a literal physical stance/position for me,” said another brilliant bottom, “but related to a lack of comfort in initiating the situation, taking control, etc.”

We asked about initiation on the survey, too — 32% of bottoms (not an insignificant number!) like initiating sex, compared to 76% of tops and 65% of switches.

Preferring To Be Pursued

Oftentimes top/bottom identities play a role in how a person identifies potential partners and subsequently make suggestive connections with them, regardless of what happens when they actually get into bed, remove their clothing, and begin rolling around naked while sticking things inside each other. Of bottoms, 29% enjoy pursuing a new partner (and 28.5% don’t like it), but 64% — over twice as many — enjoy being pursued.

Receiving… Something

Allison Moon, in her excellent book Girl Sex 101, says “to bottom is to practice the great art of receiving… as a receiver, the giver is in service to you and your pleasure. It is your job to navigate. It’s her job to drive.”

“It took me a while to figure out I was mostly a bottom,” said Casey. “I think at first I thought top and bottom were only for gay guys? I only really realized because it dawned on me that for my partners it was an absolute must to be doing things to me for them to be excited and for me it was like, oh that’s fun but not strictly necessary for me to be turned on.”

While almost all our survey-takers don’t not like receiving pleasure, 93% of bottoms and 93% of switches actively like it, compared to 65% of tops. However, the vast majority of tops and bottoms were into pleasuring their partner — but that could mean so many things! As one switch put it, “I’m a giver, 90% of sex for me is enthusiastic giving until my partner is satisfied. That’s what feels good to me and turns me on, by the time they’re done i’m ready to pop and it takes about 10 seconds to finish.”

Kinky Bottoms and Submissives

Within a kink context, “bottom” can mean something different. According to BDSM-focused The New Bottoming Book, a “bottom” is “someone who has the ability to eroticize or otherwise enjoy some sensations or emotions — such as pain, helplessness, powerlessness and humiliation — that would be unpleasant in another context.” It does seem that most survey-takers who adopt “top” or “bottom” identities have some interest in kink, too — and bottoms were actually more likely to be kinky than tops or switches. 41% of bottoms identify as kinky and 44.6% said they don’t identify as kinky but sometimes enjoy kinky sex.

What Do Kinky Bottoms Like?

Three activities on our list of “elements of a sexual experience” were distinctly favored by self-declared kinky bottoms than non-kinksters, included on the chart below.

In comparison to the above data, 14% of non-kinky bottoms like receiving pain, 62% like not being in control, and 22% like being used for someone else’s pleasure with no regard for theirs.

But within the context of kink, what separates the concept of “bottom” from “submissive”? In consultation with Ryan, we decided to separate “bottoms” and “submissives” on our survey. Only kink-identified survey-takers were subjected to an additional survey page with questions about dominants/submissives and sub-identities therein, and now we’re gonna talk about those results.

How Many Submissives Are Out There?

Well, ladies and otherwise-identified people, while rumors of a Top Shortage may be overstated, the queer kink community may indeed be suffering from a Dom Shortage.

Of all kink-identified bottoms, 90% identified as submissives.

What’s The Meaning of “Submissive”? The Difference Between Bottoms And Submissives

“A bottom likes to be directed because it’s easier to please those who know what they want,” said the only bottom to identify as a switch in kink play. “A submissive gets off on the command and obey pattern and tension.”

N, a trans guy and a switch, explained the difference this way: “Bottoming definitely doesn’t automatically mean anything kinky (same for topping), while submissive (and dominant) mean something more specifically related to kink and power play.”

In a group chat on the topic, A pointed out: “Submission is a fucking GIFT: just because I’m bottoming for you doesn’t mean I’m your submissive.”

R, who identifies as submissive, added: “Also, just because someone is submissive doesn’t mean they’re bottoming!”

Many survey submissives didn’t consider there to be a difference between the two terms, but most did. All that’s clear is that these words, like so many things, are fluid as fuck.

“I identify as both a sub and a bottom, but subbing means something more specific for me — choosing to temporarily give power and control in a situation to another person(s) and letting them determine the course of events based on our negotiations,” Q, a non-binary person, told me. “It often comes with an implication of a particular high level of intensity in that power exchange. When I say I am a bottom, I am referring to this as well as more broadly being on the receiving end in less power-heavy sex.”

On our survey, there were as many different definitions of this distinction as there are bountiful bottoms in this pure earth, but aside from the eroticization of power play, the majority drew the line around kink (“a submissive is a kinky bottom”) or between a physical position versus a state of mind. Those who fell into the latter camp were also more likely to define bottom as being more logistical than psychological. Other interesting comments included:

• “A submissive can be dominated into GIVING. In my opinion a bottom can be dominant but receiving, giving but submissive, receiving and submissive, but NOT dominant and receiving.”
• “I would argue that bottom isn’t always a D/s term, while submissive is very very rooted in D/s. Bottom feels inherently queer, whereas submissive can be un-queer.”
• “Submissive refers to power play, whereas bottom refers to sensation play.”
• “A bottom /might/ give up power to their top. A submissive /will/ give up power to their dominant.”
• “Subbing isn’t about whether you’re the top or bottom, it’s about the power in the dynamic. you could be the person flogging somebody else, but if it’s happening bc somebody else told you to, that’s topping and subbing.”
• “Bottom doesn’t have the same power exchange connotation. Bottoms may get fucked but don’t necessarily enjoy pain or humiliation. Submissives get of on doing what their partner says, which can include fun subversive things like topping from the bottom (the inverse of service topping)”

The concept of “submissive“ as a lifestyle came up a lot, too. “The submissive yields/gifts control to the dominant,” wrote one sub, “and sometimes that’s for a scene, and sometimes that is 24/7 depending on the individuals.” (One of my favorite Bottoms Up posts is Ari’s piece on being submissive 24/7)

Ryan explained their relationship to the terms this way: “To me, being submissive informs my whole way of interacting with the world and succeeding at it and being my best most powerful self, and bottoming is part of that but not a huge part. ”

There are many more deviations within: power bottom, bossy bottom, little girl/baby girl, masochist, which we talk about here.

Finally: Don’t Assume Anything

Is it true that femmes were more likely than mascs to identify as bottoms? You bet! Does that mean all femmes are bottoms? Absolutely not! Making assumptions about somebody’s bedroom behavior based on gender presentation is never a safe bet.

Nor is it safe to assume bottoms prefer certain sex acts or dynamics. Bottoming can mean so many different things, all at once or independent of each other: proudly showing what you can “take,” being ravaged for somebody else’s pleasure, having all the focus entirely on you, being bossed around, or just a slight preference for having a dildo inside you instead of looped into a leather harness around your waist. However you bottom — if it’s consensual and you’re having fun, keep it up.

If you’re looking for more discourse on the meaning of these terms before or after reading about bottoms, we got you covered:

• What Does It Mean To Be a Switch in Lesbian Sex?
• What Does It Mean to Be a “Top” or a “Dominant” in Lesbian Sex?
• Service Tops, Bratty Bottoms and Pillow Princesses: Other Words You Use to Describe How You Have Sex
• Tops, Bottoms, Switches: One Last Look at All The Survey Data

---

A lot of the language in these posts is intended to make them easy to find on search engines. Some of the body parts we talk about will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the pronouns will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the sexualities will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Some of the language will be yours or your partners’ and some won’t. Take what you want and what applies to you or what you can make apply to you and your partners and your experiences, and leave the rest!

Remembering Deborah Sundahl, Lesbian Porn Pioneer

all images courtesy of the author

Two months ago, we lost Deborah Sundahl — a fierce, compassionate, and prolific queer elder. Despite having revolutionized lesbian culture in the 1980s, paving the way for contemporary queer sexuality and the many ways we express and enjoy it now (including through community spaces like Autostraddle), few of us know Debi’s name.

In 1984, Debi did what was, at the time, unthinkable. Together with her then-partner Nan Kinney and a group of like-minded dykes, she put on a strip show at a San Francisco lesbian bar and used the profits to launch one of the first lesbian sex magazines, On Our Backs. A year later, she and her collaborators put out one of the first hardcore lesbian sex videos, Private Pleasure/Shadows, made by lesbians, featuring real-life lesbian lovers, and intended for a lesbian audience.

It was the first time in history that lesbians created commercial sex media for themselves, and it marked a crucial turning point in both the evolution of feminism and the adult film industry. It also had a global ripple effect, encouraging women in communities across North America, Europe, and even Australia to not just explore their own sexual desires but launch their own commercial sex projects, resulting in a small but tenacious lesbian sex industry that included magazines, hardcore videos, erotic audio cassette tapes, personal ads and hotlines, live strip and sex shows, and more.

Debi’s projects — and all those that followed — were primarily an offering to the lesbian community she loved, an attempt to provide it with sexual entertainment and affirmation. But the projects were also an important political statement. Since the 1970s, the lesbian community had been dominated by conservative feminist politics that vilified any sexual practice seeming to mimic heterosexual power dynamics, including butch/femme gender expressions and relationships, the use of dildos or other sex toys, and — especially — BDSM. Many women involved in the women’s movement attempted to discipline their desires, making them conform to “politically correct” feminist sexual politics. But desires are unruly and rarely submit to our attempts to control them. As a result, many lesbians — including Debi — developed intense sexual shame, unable to feel or not feel the things they’d been told they should.

But at the height of the 1980s feminist sex wars, when antipornography feminists were picketing academic conferences on sexuality and outing leatherdykes to their employers, when butch and femme lesbians were being shunned by their communities, and when all queer people were being targeted by Evangelical Christians for eroding the moral fabric of American society — Debi dared to make pornography.

First, she made a sex magazine that featured a butch dyke centerfold. She had ads for sex toy stores and strip theaters, and she featured erotic fiction about power exchange, fetishes, and intergenerational fantasies. Then, she made a video that featured two dykes fucking in a penthouse and a dungeon, the butch bottom fisting her femme top in both scenes. For the next ten years, she continued to push the boundaries of lesbian sexual representation, showing queers of all gender expressions having every kind of sex imaginable: sweet, nasty, tender, tough, scary, nurturing, submissive, dominating, mutual. No one had ever seen lesbian sex represented like this before.

Debi didn’t make history just once. She made it over and over again — not because she sought a legacy but because she dedicated her life to serving her community’s unmet needs. She was relentlessly curious about how we experience gender, where our desires come from, and how we come to express those desires.

She was also acutely aware of the many systems of control and violence that both inform and regulate our sexuality, and she believed — because she had experienced it herself — that shedding sexual shame and fully embracing one’s sexuality was a form of resistance and a step toward liberation for both the individual and the broader community.

Debi was born in 1954 and raised in Minnesota, where she married at 18 and had a son with the husband she later divorced. In the early 1980s, she enrolled in the University of Minnesota, where she was a double major in History and Women’s Studies. She was heavily involved in the local women’s movement, working as an advocate for a shelter from domestic violence and organizing Take Back the Night marches with the local chapter of Women Against Violence Against Women.

Through her work in the women’s movement, she met her longtime partner Nan Kinney, with whom she went on to found On Our Backs and Fatale Video. In 1982, when they both became disillusioned with the direction in which the women’s movement was headed, they moved to San Francisco seeking a more sexually liberal community in which they could explore their desires and live freely. Shortly after arriving, Debi answered an ad in the paper soliciting dancers for the legendary Lusty Lady peep show theater, where she performed for years before moving to the equally legendary Mitchell Brothers’ O’Farrell Theatre. She was a celebrated performer at both venues.

In her journals, housed in the Cornell University archives, Debi describes this period as one of sexual discovery, during which she shed the values of both her working-class, Catholic upbringing and her earlier radical feminist political identity. Finding and then exploring her sexual desire for women opened up a door for her, making her curious not just about her own sexuality but human sexuality as a whole. Her sex work allowed her to not only explore and express herself as a sexual being but witness how others did the same in a space that actively welcomed that journey and discovery.

What Debi learned from these experiences was that sex work was not, as antipornography feminists had framed it, inherently degrading. With good labor conditions and fair pay, it could be fun, fulfilling, and educational. She also learned there was a significant disparity in who provided sexual entertainment and who consumed it. Reflecting on her time at the O’Farrell Theatre, she noted that over half of the dancers were lesbian but the audience was almost entirely men. Shortly thereafter, she poached lesbian dancers from both the Lusty Lady and the O’Farrell Theatre for the lesbian strip shows that funded her lesbian sex magazines and videos.

Debi’s time as publisher of On Our Backs and co-owner of Fatale Video was a complex period in her life, one marked by significant achievement, creative expression, and close connection with her collaborators. It was also marked by struggle and strife. She directed and performed in multiple videos, photographed and modeled in multiple magazine spreads, and authored dozens of articles and interviews, but she was also suffocated by the day-to-day difficulties of keeping afloat a business endeavor that had no outside support. She developed close personal and creative partnerships with some of the greatest queer artists of her time, but many of those relationships grew strained or fell apart as a result of differences in personal, creative, or business interests.

By 1996, Debi had relinquished her stake in both On Our Backs and Fatale Video, but she continued her work as a champion of sexual self-expression by becoming an educator, teaching workshops on vaginal ejaculation around the world up until her passing. Recognizing a gap in scientific research on the clitorial structure and the mechanisms of vaginal ejaculation, Debi sought to provide others with both the knowledge and skills to fully access their entire sexual capacity. Her work on this subject is still the most comprehensive to date.

Debi made history because she looked for the things that didn’t exist, either because no one had imagined them yet or they didn’t have the courage to make them. She looked for those things, she found them, and then she found comrades as passionate — and as punk — as she was. Together, they scraped together the necessary resources and threw themselves entirely into projects meant to help us all be a little bit freer.

And they succeeded in their efforts. Because of Debi and her collaborators, we have the queer dating service Lex, which was explicitly modeled off On Our Backs’ personal ads. We also have a more robust, diverse queer pornographic market than has ever existed before, both because of the groundwork laid by lesbian porn pioneers like Debi Sundahl and changing technologies that have made production and distribution cheaper and, therefore, more accessible to marginalized people.

Pink & White Productions has been at the forefront of this change, but they have also been stewards of this history — Debi’s history. Until a couple years ago, there was no way to watch Debi’s films, but in the past few years, Pink & White (owned by queer porn producer Shine Louise Houston) has worked to collect, digitize, and then offer Fatale Video’s masters through their streaming service PinkLabel.tv so that they can find a new audience. When I asked Shine why she felt it was important to preserve this history, she said:

These videos are queer and feminist before there was queer and feminist porn. Fatale, a lesbian run company, was making successful commercial work by lesbian directors in a time where that was incredibly rare and that needs to be remembered… I’m here because she was there.

Debi not only pioneered queer and feminist adult filmmaking itself. She also expanded queer representation. Jiz Lee, one of the most prolific and respected queer adult film performers today, credits their own career in part to Debi’s work: “Were it not for Debi’s work, I might not have thought that my gender expression or sexuality had a place in porn.”

While Debi’s film work can be streamed on PinkLabel.tv, it’s harder to read her writings. Most of her work — which included everything from erotic fiction to political analysis to cultural reporting — was featured in On Our Backs, which has yet to be digitized and made available online. Only a few archives in the U.S. have copies of On Our Backs, and as far as I know, only two have the complete run of issues that Debi published. In my last communication with her, Debi asked me if I thought that anyone would be interested in her publishing a regular newsletter, but sadly, she never did.

Debi lived long enough to see the fruits of her labor. She watched the lesbian pornography market she’d dedicated so much of her life to grow and evolve as new technologies and new communities followed in her footsteps. She also lived to see the sex positive queer culture she worked so hard to cultivate absolutely bloom in the decades following her work. But there is so much more recognition owed to her, so much more celebration that she deserves. Hopefully her passing marks the beginning of this.

Lesbian Sex: Your 15 Favorite Ways To Have It

How do lesbians have sex? Well, lesbians have sex in many different ways, so we went ahead and asked over 13k+ queer women, “which of these activities has been a regular part of your sex life within the last year?” and now we’ve got the answers. The data below reflects the most popular answers given by lesbian-identified women in relationships (monogamous or non-monogamous).

The Top 15 Lesbian Sex Activities In Order Of Popularity

1. Clitoral Stimulation – 99%

In 1933, Sigmund Freud famously remarked “Elimination of clitoral sexuality is a necessary precondition for the development of femininity, since it is immature and masculine in its nature.” He was dead wrong. In fact, most women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Plus, it’s the only human organ that exists exclusively for pleasure! So unsurprisingly, doing stuff to your girlfriend’s clit is a very popular activity.

2. Fingering (genitals, internal) – 97.2%

Also known as: finger-banging, finger-fcking and, you know, “fcking.”

3. Oral sex (genitals) – 95.2%

We also asked readers for their favorite sex act in an open-ended question, and oral sex easily came out on top. Here’s some tips for first-timers.

4. Frottage/dry humping – 79.6%

Teenagers and lesbians: mastering the fine art of dry-humping since the dawn of time.

5. Nipple play – 73.1%

Research has shown that nipple stimulation activates the same region of the brain as clitoral and genital stimulation.

6. Strap-on play – 58.8%

Strap-on sex is very popular amongst lesbians, and we’re got a great guide for how to Have Strap-On Lesbian Sex. We get a lot of questions from readers about buying a strap-on harness and recommend, if you can afford it, a Spare Parts Joque Harness.  We’ve got a few guides to strap-on shopping:

• How to Buy a Strap-On Dildo for Lesbian Sex
• How To Buy A Strap-On Harness for Lesbian Sex
• It’s not just cis AFAB people who enjoy strap-on sex though — check out harnesses for trans women if you’re in the market.

Another 22% of y’all indicated that oral sex using a strap-on is a regular part of your sex life.

7. Vibrators – 55.5%

Lots of lesbians use vibrators during sex — for clitoral stimulation, inside a dildo, for penetration, or for mutual masturbation. If you’re buying a vibrator for the first time there can be a lot of intimidating options out there and hard to know which vibrators are the best — and the most famous and beloved vibrator is probably the Hitachi Magic Wand, which is not technically a vibrator at all, and not necessarily the best for partner sex. (Although they recently came out with a rechargeable edition you might like!) The Womanizer has gotten a lot of positive press as well. Couples vibrators are a thing too, like The We-Vibe 4.

Fun fact: 49% of survey-takers usually use vibrators while masturbating.

8. Dildos – 55%

Dildos are most often used with strap-ons, although we didn’t differentiate in the survey which may have led to confusing answers. These are the best dildos according to our lesbian sex experts. There are pros and cons to double-ended dildos . Dildos come in all shapes, styles (like the pack and play), sizes (including “VERY BIG“), and materials — glass, silicone, stainless steel, stone — many designed for stand-alone usage and many designed specifically for being used with a harness.

9. Spanking – 50%

Among survey-takers who indicated being interested in kink, 58% enjoy spanking their partner and 62% enjoy getting spanked. If you’re looking to get into spanking and other impact play, try this handy guide to spanking safely and effectively.

10. Scissoring – 34%

While many have argued that scissoring isn’t a thing, lesbian scissoring is in fact definitely a thing, in so many configurations: full-body scissoring, acrobatic sitting scissoring and classic scissoring. What can we say about scissoring that you haven’t already said about scissoring? Very little, honestly.

11. Anal play (external) – 31%

You can do a lot with your finger besides inserting it all the way into an asshole. 20% of lesbians also indicated that they regularly participated in “rimming” (oral anal play), aka eating ass.

12. Anal penetration – 25.2%

Anal penetration also was the most frequent sex act cited in our open-ended question “what is your least-favorite sex act?” Even if you’re not into anal, you really should read this review of the Njoy Pure Plug, because it’s hilarious. If you’re interested in trying anal, we have a post for how to have lesbian sex: the anal edition.

13. BDSM – 22.2%

The BDSM acronym represents Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission and Sadism & Masochism. Our Bondage 101 post is a great place to start when looking into starting to tie people up. Some of our most popular sex posts have been related to BDSM-related activities, such as Bondage For Beginners, How to Tie Someone Up, Read a F*cking Book About BDSM, Top Five Ways To Consensually Hit Your Sex Partner and What We Talk About When We Talk About Flogging.

14. Other sex toy play – 22%

Of survey-takers who use sex toys, 47% own four or more of them, 75% purchase them in stores and 64% have purchased sex toys online. Sex toys besides vibrators and dildos include kink-lite gear like nipple clamps, butt plugs,

15. Fisting (vaginal) – 18%

Admittedly we were pretty surprised by how low fisting ranked! If you can take it and have the body parts necessary to do so, I cannot recommend more highly the experience of having or receiving somebody’s entire hand inside you. You can get started with this Lesbian Fisting 101 post, or trying out these five tips for aspirational fisters.

---

This post was originally written in 2015 based on survey data from 2015 and has been updated in August 2023.

Endometriosis No Longer Keeps Me From My Best Queer Sex

A few years ago, I had a job at a company where I regularly faced homophobic comments and jokes. When violence and discrimination against our community came up in the news, it was normalized and I was told I was being too sensitive. I responded by refreshing Autostraddle on my phone in secret every chance I could, waiting for each new post to go up and remind me for a few minutes that I wasn’t alone even if I felt like I was.

I hid in my tiny office with the door closed reading every article and every comment desperately looking for a way to feel seen in a job that felt smothering. One day while I was refreshing content at my desk I found, “‘Do Fingers Count?’ Vulvodynia, Medical Heteronormativity and Me” and suddenly I felt more seen than I ever expected.

I was diagnosed with vulvodynia – which essentially means vulvar and vaginal pain without a known cause – in 2012, after many months of pain so bad that I couldn’t actually sit down, because sitting meant putting pressure on my vagina and vulva, and that was unbearable. At that point at my life, even though I’m bi, I’d never had penetrative sex or been to a gynecologist because it hadn’t seemed necessary. I figured if I wasn’t putting anything inside of me for fun, I certainly wasn’t going to do it for medical reasons, and I wasn’t doing anything particularly risky as far as I knew (I say as far as I knew because it’s not like queer folks have access to quality sex education). My periods had been pretty normal until around this time as well. But suddenly my vulva and vagina had announced themselves with sharp, constant pain that got worse when I moved or sat or had my period and I had no choice but to go to a gynecologist.

But the doctors didn’t have answers; they had a lot of gaslighting.(Seriously, do not try any of these things, none of it is good advice):

• First, several doctors in a row told me it was a yeast infection. Even though lab testing didn’t actually show an infection and, aside from discomfort, my symptoms didn’t match. They put me on so many different pills and suppositories and creams, but I kept getting worse.
• Then there was the doctor who told me I would get better if I stopped wearing any underwear or pants to bed to give things a chance to “air out.”
• But the next doctor had a different opinion that underwear was very important: it should be worn to bed and it should be cotton because you do need to let things breathe, but you don’t want moisture to just sit on your skin with nowhere to go.
• The next few doctors all thought it was some sort of soap related issue. One doctor told me I should use a gentle soap like Dove to wash my vulva, but that made it feel like my skin was on fire. Another said this would cause more irritation and even allergies. Some said to use one of those products they sell in the drugstore that claims to be a pH balanced wash to help with “odor.” Someone else said to use only Cetaphil Gentle Face Cleanser. Another doctor said to use no soap or cleanser but to make sure I really rinsed the area with water.
• One doctor gave me a lidocaine spray to just kind of numb everything for a bit.
• No one seemed concerned about the bad cramps I had either.

It pissed me off that I was being forced to suffer through having the fingers of so many strangers and painful medical instruments inside of me when in the eyes of these doctors I was still a virgin. And honestly, I would argue that when you are in severe pain and desperate for answers, it is impossible for gynecologic care to be consensual or trauma-informed. I regularly left doctors’ offices in tears and in more pain and it felt like they were all peddling snake oils rather than real treatments and answers.

Eventually, after close to a year, I was referred to a specialist center for pelvic pain and given the diagnosis of vulvodynia. I was sent to physical therapy for my pelvic floor where I felt even more violated as a medical provider massaged my internal muscles and gave me feedback on whether my kegels were appropriately clenching her fingers or not. I was put on gabapentin for the pain and given a cream that was a compound of a muscle relaxer and a pain medication to apply topically.

It did help, things improved and I could sit down again. But tampons were still not an option and neither was any penetrative sex. But that didn’t seem to matter to any of the medical staff because I wasn’t having “pain with intercourse” because well… I wasn’t having intercourse. So I learned to just accept a certain level of pain. I just wouldn’t be a person that could have penetrative sex or use tampons. I would have to learn to avoid swimming during my period. I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to have an orgasm because even pleasurable external touch tended to become painful before I got anywhere near climax.

When I got into a serious relationship these were things I told my partner as though they were facts about me: I can’t use tampons, I can’t tolerate penetration, I don’t know if I can orgasm. It’s not you, it’s me. My partner was kind and gracious and never pressured me. I learned to enjoy the pleasure of sex without the orgasm and to take the pressure off of myself and my partner. I accepted that for the two weeks surrounding my period each month I would still be in a lot of pain, with not just bad cramps but pain in my vagina and on my vulva. It was better than it had been and I had gone to so many doctors to get here, so I figured this was the best it was going to be.

But over time the cramps got worse and nothing helped with the pain anymore. I would take Tylenol and Advil at the max dosage, use heating pads on my stomach and my back, and use pain creams, and I was still curled up in a ball on the couch unable to move. Some days the pain would become so overwhelming I would collapse on the floor. It was like my brain was so busy processing all of the pain that it forgot to send signals to my legs and they just simply gave out under me. Whenever I had my period I had to cancel anything out of the house from visits with friends to doctors. I quickly went through sick days at work because the pain was too intense to concentrate on anything else, even if I could work from home. My period also became really heavy and unpredictable. One day, I got my period when I was waiting to board a cruise ship with friends. I had been so excited for this trip with my friends but then I bled through my pants in line to board and had to wash the blood out in the cabin’s sink and shower immediately when we got to the room. It was humiliating. My period was so heavy that it only lasted one day–as if it had crammed the entire week’s worth of blood into that day–and I had to pay for phone access on the cruise to call my doctor and make sure I wasn’t in danger from losing too much blood.

It became clear that I needed to find a new gynecologist and new options. I was started on a birth control pill to help regulate my cycle and my symptoms and it helped a little. The pain didn’t stop, but the volume knob got turned down slightly.

The first gynecologist I saw referred me to a pain specialist who was kind and affirming and took the time to really understand my history of pelvic pain and the ways it had impacted my life. She told me that it sounded like my treatment wasn’t working and this was truly the first time I had allowed myself to consider that I had been forced to settle for pain I shouldn’t have had to settle for. When I told her that my vulvodynia also gets worse around my period, she said she wasn’t sure I had vulvodynia at all. Instead she suspected I had endometriosis.

I was expecting her to say that the cramping was endometriosis, but I was shocked to hear that all of my pain could be explained by endometriosis and that perhaps I had the wrong diagnosis all along. She explained that a hallmark of endometriosis is that the endometrial lining of the uterus migrates. It can attach itself to nearby tissues and organs like the intestines and the vagina itself. It was possible that the pain I had been feeling this entire time was actually from endometrial tissue.

The doctor started me on a high dose version of a birth control pill with the goal of completely suppressing my period so that the endometrial tissue wouldn’t have a chance to grow, spread, and respond to changes in my hormones and cycle. She sent me for an internal ultrasound with a dose of xanax and a suppository or lidocaine because she knew it was going to be really difficult for me. And she was right, I was in so much pain afterwards that I couldn’t walk for a week. But when the results came back I got a real diagnosis.

The ultrasound determined that I had adenomyosis, a similar condition where the endometrial tissue grows in the muscular wall of the uterus. It causes extremely painful and heavy periods. The ultrasound didn’t find endometriosis itself, but the doctor explained that it’s harder to see since it is attached to other tissues outside the uterus. She said that adenomyosis and endometriosis are common together — and the fact that we confirmed adenomyosis made her feel more confident I had endometriosis, too. She said sometimes the only way to truly know for sure if you have endometriosis is a surgery to look for and remove endometrial tissue in other parts of the abdomen but that we didn’t need to consider that until we tried non-surgical options to treat the symptoms. We increased the dose of my medication even more and after two months my period stopped. And my world changed.

All of my pelvic pain, internal and external, nearly went away. The irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) that I had thought I had for years calmed down too, making me question that diagnosis as well. I ate vegetables I hadn’t been able to tolerate in years. I stopped having half of every month be filled with pain. The compound topical medication I had been getting prescribed for years sat unused in a drawer in my bathroom because I simply hadn’t needed it. The pain had more or less just stopped.

I realized that for the first time I might be able to consider having sex with internal stimulation. For the first time I was able to experience, without pain, the feeling of having my partner’s fingers inside of me and we found a new level of intimacy and excitement. Suddenly there was an entire world of toys, feelings, and experiences I could consider and experiment with. It was like being a teenager exploring sexuality for the first time. Do I like strap-ons? What about a double-sided dildo? Or about those rabbits they were always so obsessed with on Sex and the City?

Everything was brand new. We bought so many toys in such a short period of time and went through more sex toy cleaners in a month than I probably previously had in a year. There were new positions and creative uses of furniture that I had never even considered before.

There was one time we decided that an armchair in our bedroom created some opportune angles. My partner stood between my legs with their fingers inside of me and found just the right spot. And just like that… I had my first g-spot orgasm.

I had been resigned, for years, to the fact that I just might never experience an orgasm at all. Now here I was feeling pleasure so intense it made my entire body shake. It was so incredible, and it was infuriating.

Why the FUCK is there so little research and funding going in to pelvic pain where billions are spent on cis men who can’t get it up? And while it’s true that little is being done to address the pelvic pain of straight cis women, I find it hard to believe that the dozens of doctors I saw would be so quick to tell a straight cis woman that her inability to have penetrative sex is acceptable. Because if a straight cis woman cannot tolerate penetration, it is a reproductive problem, and a problem that affects her male partner’s ability to get off. If a queer woman can’t tolerate penetration, it doesn’t matter because pleasure, intimacy, and queer joy have no medical value.

How did I spend an entire decade of my life letting the medical system tell me that constant pelvic pain was acceptable? How did I shut off an entire part of my sexual experience because mostly-straight doctors decided that it was okay for me? I had to grieve and experience these new highs while also learning to process what I now realized was a decade of medical trauma, discrimination, and gaslighting. And you know what? I deserved better.

Service Tops, Bratty Bottoms and Pillow Princesses: Other Words You Use to Describe How You Have Sex

When you’re talking about terms like top or dominant, bottom or submissive and switch, a whole other world of terms can often rise to the surface: service top, pleasure top, bratty bottom, and so on. So, that’s what we’re talking about today: words that come up when we say those words, which I have called “sub-identities.” I realize that this is confusing because it sounds like “submissive identities” but you know, what can I do, I didn’t write the dictionary. If I had, “gay” would be defined as “a thing that everybody is.”

This isn’t a full glossary of terminology queer people use to talk about how they have sex — it’s just what y’all told us that you’re into on our “Tops and Bottoms” sex survey, specifically the question that asked 924 survey-takers who identified as kinky, “are there any other terms you use to describe how you like to have sex or the role you play in sex (e.g, service top, sadist, bratty bottom, stone, pain switch)?” In retrospect, we should’ve asked this of everybody, as not all of these terms are kink-specific! But alas, we live and learn.

Any stand-alone quotes included as definitions that are not otherwise cited came from your survey responses. Most of this stuff was totally new to me! Also don’t @ me about the daddy section, thank you.

I. Terms Relevant To Both Vanilla And Kinky Sex

What is a Service Top?

A service top is a top who acts according to what pleases their bottom, which pleases them. “I like giving my partner exactly what she wants even though I’m the one technically calling the shots,” wrote a soft butch lesbian service top. “I’m not an aggressive top or dom,” wrote another lesbian service top, “but rather my topping comes from a place of care.” Another defined the meaning of service top as “a submissive service role in a position of giving sexual acts.”

If you’re wondering about service top vs service bottom and what a service bottom is — it’s more often used in a kink context, but it’s essentially a bottom who is bottoming for the benefit of their top moreso than for their own immediate pleasure. “Spanking doesn’t get me off,” wrote a service bottom, “but I’ve done it for my dom. That’s what service bottoming is to me.”

What is a Pillow Princess?

Someone who receives pleasure during sex but does not actively provide it. Is often used in a derogatory way and should not be! “Pillow princesses are braver than the US marines,” wrote one proud Pillow Princess. One agender biesxual in a relationship with a stone woman wrote, “I’ve kind of adopted pillow princess as a role in my current relationship because I’ve stopped asking if my partner is sure they don’t want me to do anything and it’s a bit of a joke between the two of us.”

What Does “Stone” Mean, Sexually?

Someone who does not want their genitals touched during sex. “I have no problem pleasing my partner, touching her intimately and making her orgasm,” wrote one soft butch lesbian. “While this does turn my nether regions into swampland, I have no desire for her to reciprocate the intimacy through genital or erogenous zone touching.”

One stone explained: “I don’t want my body to be touched except under my direction or if I have given explicit in the moment consent to a partner I trust and am comfortable with.”

Another described themselves as a “rollin’ stone,” which they defined as: “I’ll sit on your face and tell you what to do for me occasionally and I’ll make you beg to be allowed to … but you’d need to have been pretty damn amazing and gained my trust to stand a chance. Only one relationship ever got to that.”

Due in part to its popularization by the novel Stone Butch Blues, this is often identified as a response to sexual trauma, as it was for the novel’s narrator. However, this is not always the case! Stone identities exist for a number of reasons, like a stone who told us that “it feels too intense and takes me out of the moment.”

What is a Power Bottom?

“For me,” wrote one tomboy femme lesbian, “[power bottom means] being really participatory and active in everything that is happening, finding opportunities to tease my partner, enjoy keeping them on their toes in a playful way, and using my sexual power to connect with them from my point of view.”

A kinky power bottom described it like this: “To me it encompasses being dominant by guiding the scene but doing it from a bottoms perspective. (ie: telling my top what to do, where to strike me next, what activity I’d like to do, etc. while I receive the physical aspect of the scene).”

Another take: Power bottom “is way more about the intensity with which one is bottoming,” according to one non-binary queer.

Power Bottom vs. Bossy Bottom

I’ve heard the difference between “power bottom” and “bossy bottom” described like this: if the top is in the driver’s seat, the power bottom is the one in the passenger seat who has the directions pulled up, knows the area, and has her eye out for cops, whereas the bossy bottom is a backseat driver who kinda knows the way but mostly just has input. That description is, obviously, a little negative regarding the bossy bottom. Indeed, in gay male culture, it’s bad to be a bossy bottom. But y’all described “bossy bottom” as more of a good thing! One queer woman referred to “bossy bottom” as “a dominant role in the receiving position of play,” which sounds like a great way to be.

What is a Bratty Bottom?

This was a very popular mention — and it’s an identity we’ve written about before. “I love playing with power dynamics but I can’t take it seriously because it’s all contrived,” wrote one brat. “I don’t want to beg you to orgasm or hand over power just because you call yourself a ‘Dom’ just to pander to your ego; if you want to play with power and control, you’d better be prepared to make me do what you say.”

“I think [being a brat/bratty bottom] allows me the ultimate ‘release’ of submission but lets me engage and tease,” wrote a lesbian femme. “I feel like I get to show a greater range of my actual personality and intelligence, and it feels more authentic to who I actually am, in terms of my sarcasm, dark humor, etc.”

“I’ve heard bratty subbing be compared to or called ‘topping from the bottom,'” wrote a queer femme, “and I don’t really identify with that — I still definitely want my partner to have control and power and make the decisions.”

What is a Brat, Sexually, and What is a Brat Tamer?

Bratty bottom but without the bottom part! “I’m a brat, whether I’m topping or bottoming,” said one of these people. A brat tamer is one who deals with the bratty bottoms or “the dom who has to deal with the brat and usually punishes them for their disobedience.”

III. Kink-Specific Terms

What is a Sadist, Sexually?

“One who derives pleasure from inflicting pain, intense sensations, and discomfort on someone else.” – The Ultimate Guide to Kink

Forty-three respondents identified as sadists, and about half of that group also identified as masochists, with another eight identifying as sadomasochists. Sadists, as per the dictionary, get pleasure out of causing another person to suffer regardless of whether or not that person is enjoying themselves or wants to experience that kind of pain. But, in sexual practice, a key element of sadism is consent — the one receiving pain has consented and communicated what they’re into. Pain inflicted by the sadist can be physical (e.g., spanking, biting) or emotional and psychological (e.g., humiliation, orgasm denial).

“I feel a sense of sick joy and glee when someone is crying, screaming, or otherwise physically hurting,” wrote one sadist. “Some of it has to do with me enjoying being in power over someone, but that is only part.” But sadism is a delicate art, and can feel conflicting, too: “I will admit I have a difficult time accepting the sadistic side of myself, even if the pain I cause is consensual. I’m a caring, empathetic person, and I’ve always been taught that good people don’t hurt others, and they certainly don’t enjoy hurting others.”

A ‘soft sadist’ might enjoy giving some pain but not too much. ” “I like to inflict a little bit of pain on my partner,” wrote one, “and also enjoy denying her orgasms, which is kinda torturous for her.”

“I’m definitely more of a ‘sweet sadist’ or ‘sensual sadist’ where there’s a lot of reassurance and embarrassing/cutesy sayings thrown in,” wrote a lesbian domme. “Sometimes I’ll laugh at them in a gentle way. It’s not from a place of cruelty, ever.”

What is a Masochist, Sexually?

“Someone who enjoys receiving pain or intense sensations, being made uncomfortable, or being ‘forced’ to do something they don’t enjoy.” – The Ultimate Guide to Kink

Most masochists described their affiliation as “getting pleasure from pain.” “I fucking love being hurt (leather belts are my favorite),” wrote one lesbian genderqueer woman. “I like being bitten and spanked and I get aroused because of that,” wrote a bisexual woman.

“Receiving pain isn’t as much about D/s for me as it is about sharpening sensation so I can get out of my head and be present in the moment,” wrote one gay woman. “It feels like turning off my brain, and grounding myself, via my body.”

What is a Sadomasochist

Although some respondents said they identified as both sadists and masochists, some used “sadomasochist” specifically, which refers to those who enjoy giving and receiving pain. Sadomasochism, wrote one femme top, “describes the amazing pleasure I get from delivering consensual pain as well as the pleasure I get from controlling the way certain types of pain are delivered to me (like how I LOVE to have my bratty bottom partner bite me really hard when they’re inside me and I’m spanking them at the same time).”

What is a Pain Switch?

Turned on by pain — giving it or receiving it. Similar to sadomasochist, perhaps more comfortable for those who don’t necessarily feel affinity to those terms for any assortment of reasons, like maybe not being into the psychological element or preferring the pain recipient to be visibly enjoying themselves (as in; no consensual non-consent). To each their very own!

What Do the Terms Daddy/Mommy Mean, Sexually?

These terms, considered part of age play, came up in 35 answers, either mentioned as somebody’s identity or the identity of their partner. Generally in heterosexual kink, a man taking on this role would identify as a Daddy and a woman would identify as a Mommy, but we’re queer, so actually Daddy was mentioned twice as often as Mommy on our survey.

Of course, “Daddy” can sometimes just be a word you say during sex that has certain power dynamics or some element of age play, but for others, it’s a more concrete identity. It is a form of domming that incorporates “parental” behaviors: protecting, leading, exerting authority, being nurturing or caretaking, and also delivering scolding and punishments for misbeheavior.

“I’ve recently become a Daddy to my boy (who is a butch cis woman),” wrote a queer femme. “As a chronicly ill/disabled person, domming my lover in this way has given me so much more than just pleasure for both of us. It’s given me a new sense of confidence, and of having some control in my life for the first time since I became ill. While I’ve always leaned more towards being a sub in the past, I feel like I’ve really flourished by becoming more dominant. There is something so nourishing about being in charge again after three years of being so physically (and financially etc.) impotent. And when I’m Daddy, it’s all about taking care of someone else, instead of being taken care of, which is very empowering right now. I love that my boy is so turned on by me, feels taken care of and is desperate to please me.”

“It means that while I want my partner to submit to me and while I want to be in control of the situation,” wrote another self-identified Daddy. “I also want my partner to feel taken care of and fulfilled.”

One “little girl” defined “mommy domme” as “where instead of a domme in the masochistic way, the domme takes on a more caring, nurturing role. Gentle femme domme, if you will.” Another said, “I just like the mommy dynamic bc submission takes on a warmer and patronizing flavour, if anything it’s the feeling of being taken care of and condescended to that makes being a little so hot.”

“I like Mom or mommy,” said a trans lesbian. “Largely this is just the somewhat cathartic thing where folks get to be beaten up by a nice lady. I’m anti-daddy, and not a huge fan of mommi, but I’m all the way here for a fist full of mommy.”

Finally, this: “I’m a femme, and I have a femme daddy and that’s pretty hot.”

What About Little Girl/Boi / Babygirl / Good Girl/Boi / Bad Girl/Boi?

Usually described as part of a Daddy/little dynamic. “I identify as a babygirl,” wrote a femme lesbian. “I enjoy feeling cared for and cherished by my girlfriend, who identifies as a daddy. She provides a feeling of safety and security for me when in this role that I have never had with previous partners, and enjoys the feeling of nurturing me when we play.”

Another wrote, “I have a Daddy and engage in age-play and D/s. This means I’m a slutty little princess who submits to my Dom and receives a lot of fucking and pain and care. I also carry out tasks and activities outside of sex to please my Daddy.”

“I’m exploring ‘little girl’ since I’m nonbinary and haven’t thought of myself as a girl/woman in years,” said a queer person. “But in bed, I really enjoy being called ‘good girl’ and ‘pretty girl.’ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Who the fuck knows what gender is anyway?! I just wanna have some awesome orgasms without thinking about that ugh.”

“Good girl,” “bad girl” and “bad boi” were also brought up as words used frequently in scenes involving Mommy/Daddy and little dynamics.

Finally, another little/babygirl added to her description: “In little-space I don’t have to worry about student loans.”

Temptress

“I like creating an environment in which someone can choose their response and the illicit thrill with knowing that they did this to themselves.”

Goddess

“Being in charge of the scene and topping the other person but through light and love. Deities disappear without followers so for me this is a place where I honor my partner worshipping me by sharing my power with them and lifting them up. ”

Pet / Owner

“When we take away out human masks to become more animalistic,” writes Lee Harrington in The Ultimate Guide to Kink. “Sometimes core parts of our identity come to the forefront in ways that we were unintentionally hiding from the world at large.”

Some survey-takers wrote of their interest in pony and puppy play or identifying as kittens. One described their identity as a “service otter.” Some described providing service to their owners, others of engaging in “primal play” (“playing more animalistic / rough and tumble”), others in more of a lifestyle situation. Like many elements of BDSM, there’s not always necessarily a sexual element — the focus can be more on cuddling or service. For example, this comic about puppy play explains that a “mosh,” or “puppy play meetup,” can be “a safe space… to receive cuddles and sensual touch without the expectation of sex.”

Prey

“I like feeling like I’m being hunted down.”

Predator

Hunts down the prey. Part of primal play, which can include playing with fear in dominance/submission and “animalistic” raw/unfiltered play.

[Pain or Humiliation or Etc] Slut

“Slut” hooks up with other words to reflect, basically, a bottomless appetite for something. Pain sluts want pain and torture, humiliation sluts want humiliation, sensation sluts are into a variety of physical sensations — floggers, canes, whips, hands, chains, rope, electric shocks, etc. “Impact slut” was another term mentioned, but not described by the person who mentioned it or within any kink reference materials I have access to. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it’s being super into impact — getting hit, spanked, punched, kicked, etc.

Hedonist

“I enjoy pleasure overall more important that playing a specific role,” wrote a queer trans woman. Another hedonist opined, “let’s all just have beautiful orgasms, hopefully together.”

Pleasure Dom

“Dominating in order to do what you know will make the other person come hard, which is the turn on for myself.”

Service Sub

Like service top sometimes, service sub is not necessarily sex-related and can part of a 24/7 D/s relationship, where one’s submission is oriented towards doing helpful things for someone else. “I get pleasure from serving my dom in almost whatever way she wants me to,” wrote a queer woman. “This includes things like foot massages, cooking and cleaning for her, repairing her clothing, opening doors for her and generally following orders.”

Service Switch

“I enjoy being of service as much as I enjoy being served.”

These are just some of the many ways people identify, and probably just some of the many definitions for the terms included here. Don’t forget to feed your service otter!

13 Reasons Women In Lesbian Relationships Aren’t Having (More) Sex

Lesbian, bisexual and queer women spend a lot of time fretting over disproving certain stereotypes about our depraved lifestyles: that we U-Haul too quickly, that we process our feelings obsessively, that we jam to lesbian folk-rock music, that we still think cargo pants are cool. And, of course, that our relationships are so frumpy and sexless that they deserve their own macabre moniker: Lesbian Bed Death. If you’re a lesbian who feels like you’re not having enough sex, you’re not alone. Lesbian sexless relationships and sexless marraiges do happen, and lack of sex in a lesbian relationship can be a big problem.

Lesbian Bed Death is usually discussed as an oft-ignored sign of a dull or dysfunctional relationship, one that has possibly passed its expiration date yet continues existing due to inertia and co-dependence. Yet all long-term monogamous relationships that involve women, even straight ones, are prone to some kind of so-called “bed death.” As Emily Nagoski explicates in this piece about the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire, “when you use male standards to assess ALL sexuality, shit goes to hell.”

So, “lesbian bed death” does happen. But it doesn’t happen for the reasons you think it does, and it’s not necessarily the problem you think it is. 

88% of our Sex Survey respondents said that in an ideal world, they’d be having sex multiple times a week or more. In reality, only 38.8% of those in relationships are having sex that much. We also found that only 8% of respondents having sex once a month or less were unhappy in their relationships. Yes, 40% of that group were some degree of unsatisfied with their sex life, but obviously that dissatisfaction had less of an impact on their overall relationship happiness than you’d expect. Couples having more sex were more likely to report being “ecstatic” — the highest option offered on the relationship satisfaction matrix — in their relationship, but there wasn’t a huge correlation between couples who were “happy” (the second-highest option) and couples who had more sex.

Undoubtedly, for most people, romantic relationships are enhanced and strengthened by regular sex: you’re more connected to your person (or people) and there’s an intimacy made possible by sex that just doesn’t happen elsewhere. Also, sex is fun, and having fun with your partner is always a good idea! Personally, I’ve also noticed a direct correlation between “how long it’s been since we had sex” and “the likelihood of getting into a fight.”

But damn, ladies, the odds are really stacked against us! Sometimes we should maybe congratulate ourselves on the sex we do manage to have rather than berating ourselves for the sex we don’t have… because there are a lot of reasons you might not be having it, and the death of your relationship isn’t necessarily one of them.

Top 13 Reasons Women In Same-Sex Relationships Are In Lesbian Sexless Relationships, Not Having As Much Sex As They Want To Or Think They Should Be

1. Because When You Do Have Sex, You Have It For A Long Time

“Because sex takes like 2hrs out of our day (at least) it means it doesn’t happen quite as often as I’d like.”

Lesbians may have sex less often than heterosexuals, but we also have it for longer periods of time. Real talk: sometimes having sex with a cis dude can take about five minutes and involve no great effort on the woman’s behalf. Lesbian sex can absolutely be brief as well, but it usually tends not to be. Some researchers have theorized that although lesbians have sex less often, we may not be spending less time having sex. 80% of our survey respondents usually have sex for 30 minutes or more. The average man achieves orgasm in 3-5 minutes whereas women can take 15-40 minutes to get there. Not that orgasm is the end-all be-all of sex, but it is a focus for many people, which means sex requires finding and setting aside more time.

2. You’re Depressed

“My depression kills sexual desire. I still do it for my partner, but it would be nice to have my libido back.”

Depression and anxiety can take a major toll on relationships. “Anhedonia,” a lack of interest in things once found pleasurable (like sex), is a symptom of depression. Women have higher rates of depression than men and LGBT folks have higher rates of depression than straight people, thus increasing the odds that this will come into play in your bedroom.

3. You’re Taking Anti-Depressants

“For the past several months I’ve been suffering sexual dysfunction caused by my anti-depressant. It’s horrible, frustrating, demoralising, alienating. My libido’s almost vanished, my cunt almost seems not to exist, and if I do manage to become aroused and have sex, it’s often impossible to come. This is a massive change from what I’m used to, and it’s caused a lot of strain and distance in my relationship, even though we talk about it and she’s very very supportive and accepting.”

It’s a deal with the devil! This came up more often than any other “reason for not having sex” on our lesbian sex survey — the impact of anti-depressants on sexual relationships. Women are way more likely than men to be prescribed anti-depressants (one in four women take mental health meds) and queer women suffer disproportionately from mental health issues. SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors, such as Prozac, Lexapro, Effexor and Zoloft, have sexual side effects for 30-70% of those who take them — causing vaginal dryness, lowered libido, erectile dysfunction and a harder time having orgasms. Some report lowered interest in love and affection in general. Another libido killer? Depression itself. So some relationships might experience a resurgence in desire on SSRIs when the depressive fog has lifted, even if it’s harder to climax or happens less often. For many relationships, the trade-off is well worth it. For others, the depressive might seek out alternate anti-depressants like Wellbutrin that don’t have the same sexual side effects, or try some of the techniques mentioned here, like adding other medications, waiting out the side effects and experimenting with timing.

4. You’re Dealing With Trauma

“As a survivor of sexual abuse, a free-flowing sex life has been difficult for me to achieve. I’ve been working on it.”

According to the CDC, approximately 13% of lesbians, 46% of bisexuals and 17% of heterosexuals have been raped in their lifetime. 44% of lesbians and 61% of bisexuals, compared to 35% of heterosexual women, have experienced sexual assault, physical violence and/or stalking from an intimate partner. Transgender people, however, present the most staggering statistic of all: 64% have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime. This trauma can have a severe impact on how a person feels about sex, and those effects could happen directly after the assault(s) or many years later. The University of Alberta Sexual Assault Center has a really informative document on dealing with this type of PTSD and we’ve also approached it here, here, here and here.

5. You Don’t Want To Have More Sex

“I’d like less focus on mutuality. I don’t want sex that often but I like serving my partner, so I would like her to ask me to give her orgasms when she wants them.”

Although it’s odd to imagine in the era of Crash Pad Series, Babeland, The Real L Word and even Autostraddle, once upon a time, many lesbians subscribed to the idea that for same-sex female relationships, actual sex was not important. For example, lesbian separatist Barbara Lipschutz, in her 1975 essay “Nobody Needs To Get Fucked,” argued that “holding hands” and “touching lips” are “love-making,” and furthermore:

Lesbianism is, among other things, touching other women — through dancing, playing soccer, hugging, holding hands, kissing … [Lesbians need to] free the libido from the tyranny of orgasm-seeking. Sometimes hugging is nice.

Radical lesbian feminist Valerie Solanis, author of the S.C.U.M. Manifesto and attempted-killer of Andy Warhol, argued that “the female can easily — far more easily than she may think — condition away her sex drive, leaving her completely cool and cerebral and free to pursue truly worthwhile relationship and activities.”

That idea, like so many posited during that moment in lesbian culture, has fallen out of favor, especially as women in general have been working in third-wave feminism to prove that many women want sex just as much as men do. Simply feeling confident enough about our sexualities to openly want sex is a fairly new development, so any betrayal of that feels retro and counterproductive. But, although there are so many exceptions to every rule, “Study after study shows that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but much more straightforward.” Those “retro” ideas wouldn’t have thrived as much as they did if there wasn’t a solid chunk of queer women to whom sex just isn’t a priority, or something they want to have very often.

Alternately, some women are asexual, and although they still desire romantic relationships, don’t necessarily require or have interest in sexual ones.

6. You’ve Been Together For A Long Time

“Once I had a “real job” and wasn’t in college, I would definitely say I have had less sex with my partner. We’ve been together since undergrad, and there has been a decline with life, work, etc.”

There are so many sexual “bonuses” for long-term relationships, like increased comfort with experimenting and, as one long-termer said on the survey, “Sex with one partner gets better over time — you get to know each other’s bodies and likes… When I was younger I would try new things even if I wasn’t 100% confident/comfortable with doing it. Now I know what I like and what my partner likes and trust, passion and love make sex so much more enjoyable.”

Still, the biggest determinant of how much sex you’re having is the length of the relationship you’re in: 59% of relationships under a year long have sex multiple times a week or more, compared to 15% of relationships lasting over five years.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to maintain a very ambitious sex schedule as our relationships progress, worrying that a decline in sexual frequency means a decline in relationship quality. It often does. But sexual frequency drops for all couples the longer their relationship goes on, and although some of it could be waning passion, it’s also just logistics: when you’ve first fallen for somebody, having sex is a primary thing you’re gonna do together. It’s your #1 couples activity besides eating, and you feel more comfortable prioritizing sex over everything else when you’re in that high-on-life New Relationship Energy period.

The longer you’re with somebody, the more and more other activities get added to the list of Things You Do Together: hanging out with mutual friends, going on trips you’ve planned together, spending time with one another’s families, running errands, doing work or housework in a shared residence — the list goes on and on and on. When you have a home, start a family or combine finances, individual stress becomes shared stress, and partners can feel less like an “escape” and more like “tied up in your mutual problems.” But the conversation about sexual frequency has been so focused on it being a red flag regarding waning interest that many couples don’t realize the conversation about having more sex can be a practical one, not an emotional one. So talk about it: assess your respective needs — if you even want to have more sex or just feel like you should — and talk about where you can fit it in. Couples who talk about sex multiple times a week or more were twice as likely to report having sex multiple times a week or more than those who talk about sex less often than that. (Although that’s a bit of a chicken/egg situation.) Here’s a worksheet for talking to your partner about sex.

So, whereas it’s probably true that most break-ups experience a sex slow-down first, it’s not necessarily true that all sex-slow downs lead to a break-up.

7. You Have Gender Dysphoria

“I take more of a top/giving role because when my partners focus on me, it quickly turns into dysphoria and emotional pain and crying. Which tends to ruin the mood.”

This issue is obviously much more prevalent among queer and transgender folks than straight and cisgender folks. Even cisgender women can have dysphoric feelings about their bodies that impact how comfortable they feel in the bedroom and what roles they’d like to play. For transgender people, it can be even more complicated depending on so many factors including but absolutely not limited to transition status.

8. You Have Kids

“My partner and I had a baby a year ago and it has been difficult to have sex regularly because of exhaustion with being new parents.”

Taking care of children is time-consuming and exhausting. On our grown-ups survey, pretty much every open-ended answer from survey-takers who have children mentioned how tired they were. People who have kids are really busy and really tired, y’all, and it can be hard to fit in sex, especially when you’re waking up every few hours to deal with a crying baby.

9. Money Is Tight / You’re Working Too Much

“I wish I wasn’t as exhausted from working such long hours and actually had the energy to have the sex that I could be having otherwise.”

Women don’t have the same earning power as men, which means most lesbian relationships involve two wage-earners working long hours to stay above water. We’re also more likely to be cut off from family financial support and to be discriminated against in the workplace! It’s very sexy.

10. You’re Long Distance

“I’d like to live in the same place (state/timezone) as my partner! That would make it easier to have daily physical intimacy and more frequent sex.”

There are less queer people in the world than straight people, period, which means distance isn’t always a dealbreaker like it is for straights. This means a lot more long distance relationships and a lot less opportunity for having sex! Long-distance relationshippers masturbate more than anybody else.

11. You’re On Your Period

Although not all women get periods and not all people who get periods are women, the majority of pre-menopausal women do get periods on a regular basis, and not all of them like to have period sex — around 25% would rather not, according to our survey. When you’ve got two period-having people in the same bed, you’re losing twice as many no-sex days as straight cis couples are. Unless you sync up. WHICH IS ITS OWN DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE.

12. You’re Monogamous

Gay men are uniquely talented at avoiding bed death in their long-term relationships, and they’re also overwhelmingly more likely to be non-monogamous. Although when the entire group was considered as a whole on our survey, monogamous and non-monogamous women had sex about the same amount, that changes once you hit the 3+ year mark. In relationships over 3+ years, 35% of monogamous couples have sex once a week or more, compared to 59% of those in non-monogamous people who’d been with their primary partner for 3+ years. Again it’s a bit of a chicken/egg situation, as couples with higher sex drives or who place a higher importance on an active sex life might be more likely to consider non-monogamy, or a lack of monogamous sex might inspire them to go non-monogamous.

13. Your Sex Drives / Libidos Are Mismatched

Goddess bless the couple who’s got perfectly-matched sex drives! Here’s a useful article about ten identified “libido types.” Sometimes, you just don’t match up, and sometimes that’s a dealbreaker, sometimes that opens up the relationship to other partners (if it wasn’t already), and usually it means some kind of compromise.

---

Okay now, discuss! If you’ve gotten into a sexual rut and managed to get out of it, share tips! Tell all your feelings and experiences.

5 Lube Dispensers for Your Next Queer Hookup — Because Presentation Is Everything

If you’re celebrating #HotGaySummer by having lots of queer sex, you probably have a “Hookup Preparedness” kit with safer sex supplies, sex toys, and lube. Simply having these items on hand shows your partners that you care — but if you want to look extra put-together for your next hookup, it’s time to upgrade your lube dispenser.

Here are five lube dispensers that will show the queer babes exactly how prepped (and bougie) you are.

---

A Fancy Soap Dispenser (prices vary)

If you’re a regular lube-user during solo or partnered sexy time, you’ve probably lost a bottle under the sheets at some point — that can be annoying and messy. Storing lube in a steel soap dispenser on your bedside table can ensure easy access. Plus, it looks classy at a low price point. This Metal Soap Pump ($10) goes with all kinds of decor. Make sure the internal tubing of your soap dispenser is safe to use with the type of lube you’re using — silicone lube can damage silicone tubing, so those two things shouldn’t mix. And don’t forget to keep your dispenser in a cool, dry place to prevent lube clumps from clogging the pump!

---

PULSE Personal Lube Warming Dispenser ($199)

If you’re feeling extra bougie and despise the feeling of cold lube on your bits, invest in the PULSE Personal Lube Dispenser, which warms up your lube and dispenses it directly into your hand. This is ideal for folks with limited hand strength and mobility and folks who just don’t want to fumble with a bottle in the heat of the moment.

---

A Mug Warmer (prices vary)

If you want toasty lube on a budget, buy yourself a mug warmer like this one ($14.29) — or, if you’re extra saucy, a gravy warmer (lube is the gravy of sex, is it not?). Pour a little lube into a cute mug and place it on your warmer before getting down — then pour the lube into your palm for some warm and cozy slipping and sliding. Just make sure you test the temperature on your wrist before heating up anybody’s bits, and dispose of any leftover lube between sex sessions.

---

Lube Shooters ($9)

Are you planning to engage in some deep penetration? Disposable lube shooters allow you to slingshot lube deep inside hard-to-reach places and minimize mess. They don’t look especially fancy, but having a useful gadget on hand will help you score Queer Scout points.

---

Lube Packets (prices vary)

Different toys and bodies require different types of lube — and some folks have skin allergies that limit their options. Collecting lube packets is a low-cost way to ensure variety. Plus, packets are a perfect lube dispenser option for on-the-go gays. You can buy packets individually or opt for the Sliquid Lube Cube Sampler ($12.95), which offers a variety of silicone and water-based lubes. Sliquid even offers sugar-free flavored options that are safe for vaginal use!

---

Do you store your lube in something special? Tell us about it in the comments and stay slippery all summer long!

Try These Exercises for Better Strap-On Sex

feature image photo by Eillen via Getty Images

It’s pride month! Tops and switches are busting out their backpacks, dusting off their strap-ons, and preparing for The Great Pride Pounding. If you’re one of those strap-on wearers limbering up for summer nights, you might be wondering: Are there exercises for better strap-on sex? Yes, my darlings — there are.

Today we’re sharing tips from Daddy — yep, that’s what she asked us to call her — a butch daddy lesbian and Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist with a degree in Health Science. For the past 14 years, Daddy has been providing exercise and fitness services. More recently, those services include gender-affirming fitness programs for trans, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming folks; and in her “STRXP” playlist on TikTok, she’s been sharing exercises for better strap-on sex.

If you want to build a strapping bod (pun intended) and if strength training is safe for your specific meatsuit, read on. These exercises (ahem, sexercises) will turn you into a strap-on sex champ.

First, let’s start with Daddy’s general fitness tips.

---

Stay consistent.

Getting into an exercise routine can be intimidating, especially if you’re one of many people who were traumatized by PE, so start slow! You shouldn’t expect yourself to lift a Subaru during your first workout. If you want to get stronger, you just need to be consistent.

“My biggest tip would be to find a space and a routine that you feel really comfortable doing, and then do your best to make that into a new habit,” Daddy says.

You don’t need a gym membership and a bunch of fancy equipment — bodyweight exercises at home can help you build strength in a comfortable environment.

Exercise with a healthy mindset.

If you’re a living, breathing person, you’ve probably encountered gross messaging about why and how you should exercise, and Daddy isn’t here for that rhetoric. But if you want to get stronger for sex — or maybe for something more wholesome, like being able to carry lots of rescue cats — Daddy’s all-in.

“I want to teach people that exercise isn’t a punishment — exercise can be used for so many different things, and it can really bring positive changes into your life,” Daddy says. “If I can inspire someone to go to the gym because they want to be better in bed, I think that’s incredible. I want to build a community focused on that instead of reasons why society tells us we have to exercise.”

Of course, if you know you have a disordered relationship with exercise or don’t adequately fuel your body, then it might not be safe for you to start a new fitness routine right now. Talk to your doctor and/or therapist — they can help you determine if and when it’s safe to get started.

Know your muscle groups.

According to Daddy, if you want to build strength to improve your strap-on game, you should focus on the posterior chain — aka your hamstrings (those run along the backs of your thighs), glutes (those are booty muscles), and lower back — plus your shoulders and core, especially if you like to be on top of your partner in a push-up position.

“You need endurance to stay in that position, plus the strength and endurance for the hip extension,” Daddy says. Hip extension = thrusting, but you pervs probably figured that one out on your own.

Now that we’re on the same page, let’s get jacked for our best sex acts! Here are Daddy’s top four bodyweight exercises for better strap-on sex.

---

Couch Hip Thrusts

You knew there’d be hip thrusting, didn’t you? For this exercise, sit on a couch. Then slide your body down and walk your feet out, until your butt is off the couch and your back and head are resting on it. Dip your hips down, squeeze your glutes, and raise your hips back up. Repeat for 30 seconds. Then pause. Try to do three to five rounds. This exercise will improve your pounding strength and endurance. Here’s a TikTok of Daddy doing this move on a gym machine:

@

♬ –

---

Sliding Plank Pikes

Start in a plank position. Then squeeze your core and slowly slide your feet up towards your hands, keeping a flat back. This works best if you’re wearing socks on a hardwood floor, but you can also put a towel under your shoes if you’re working out at a gym. This is tough, so if you have wrist or shoulder pain, you might want to skip this one. Here’s a TikTok where you can watch Daddy slide it out:

@bodybydaddy

We in tbe biz call this “functional training” #wlw #lesbiansoftiktok #lgbtq #gayfittok

♬ Thinking with My Dick (feat. Juicy J) – Kevin Gates

Sliding plank pikes will improve your core strength and stability so you can keep on thrusting all day, all night, and all throughout pride month. Do these for 30 seconds. Try to do three to five rounds.

---

Push-Ups

You’re probably familiar with push-ups. If you can already do them, have a trusted fitness friend check on your form so you know that you’re doing push-ups safely and working the right muscles. Your wrists should be in line with your shoulders and your back should be straight.

Variations: Try doing push-ups while on your knees, do push-ups with your hands on an elevated surface (like the bottom step on a set of stairs), or stand and do push-ups against a wall. Another great way that beginners can train push-ups is to practice negative pushups — you start in a plank position, lower your body down to the floor, and then use your knees to assist in the pushing-up part. Here’s a TikTok where Daddy demonstrates this move:

@bodybydaddy

A NEGATIVE CAN BE A POSITIVE- YOUR WELCOME FOR THE DAD JOKES- ILL BE HERE ALL WEEK. #pushuptip #lgbtq #wlw #gymbeginner #gymtip #gayfittok

♬ Never Lose Me – Flo Milli

The amount of push-ups or push-up variations you should do will vary based on your experience and your individual needs. Daddy recommends doing trying sets of ten for three to five rounds.

No matter which variation you choose, working these muscles will help you brace yourself over your partner with less fatigue — that means longer, stronger thrusting!

---

“Hollow Body” Exercises

Hollow body exercises are great for folks with joint pain, because they don’t require you to put pressure on your wrists. There are lots of variations out there. Here’s one that Daddy described for me.

Lie on your back with your arms above your head. Lift your arms and legs about six inches off the ground while tucking your pelvis in, so that your lower back is flat against the ground. “Your low back will fight you and want to arch — fight this!” Daddy says. “Contract your lower abdominal muscles to keep the pelvis still.” Hold this position for ten seconds. Over time, you can work your way up to holding it for 30 or even 60 seconds.

Hollow body exercises work your deep abdominal muscles, which give you overall stability for any strap-on sex position and improve your thrusting endurance.

Here’s a TikTok of Daddy demonstrating a hollow body position:

@bodybydaddy

Replying to @Lily 👑for my princesses out there ! #wlw #lesbiantiktok #lesbianworkout #queercouple

♬ original sound – BODY BY DADDY

---

Do you ever workout for the purpose of improving your sexual performance? Tell us about it in the comments! Good luck with your fitness, you strap-on champs!

How to Masturbate When You’re Sexually Repressed

It’s Masturbation May! Once again, we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles on the delights and the woes of solo pleasure-seeking. Here are some tips on how to masturbate when you’re sexually repressed.

---

I had my first tryst with another girl when I was in sixth grade, yet it took me ten more years to realize I was gay when I started crushing on — you guessed it — my college roommate. Never mind that 85% of my masturbatory fantasies involved women and nonbinary people. Pish-posh.

Raised in a culture of white Christian Southerners as a second-generation Indian kid, I didn’t encounter any positive messages about queer or trans people until I was in college, and there were plenty of homophobic slurs being slung around at school. We didn’t talk about bodies, sex, or pleasure growing up, and so, considering the context, I’ve experienced my fair share of sexual repression.

You might be sexually repressed if you were raised in a homophobic family or culture. Maybe you practice (or used to practice) a religion that forbids homosexuality, sex for pleasure, and — yep — masturbation.

If that’s been your experience, you might not feel particularly free when it comes to self-pleasure. Maybe you only do it at night under the covers. Maybe you only do it when you’re blasted out of your mind. Maybe you only think about the gender you were taught to be attracted to, or maybe you don’t masturbate at all. No matter what you’re dealing with, I have faith that you can masturbate and enjoy it.

As a former therapist, I know that embracing masturbation as a tool for pleasure, for activism, for decolonization — for, dare I say, liberation?! — can be tough. So how the heck do you do it when shame is getting in your way? Here are my tips for repressed queer folks that might help you get comfortable with masturbation.

---

Create a comfortable space for masturbation.

Make a nice lil sex nest for yourself while you’re getting comfortable with masturbation. Blankets, pillows, props, water, lighting, sex toys if you’re planning to use them. A nice pair of warm socks is my personal favorite. Cold feet are so distracting!

It can be nice to have extra time to devote to masturbating at the beginning, too. Maybe don’t start when you have to go somewhere in 20 minutes. If you absolutely must get it in (been there), figure out how long it’ll take you to transition (wash up, get dressed, etc). Then set a timer for that amount of time so you know when you have to get up and go without rushing.

Having some time at home alone be helpful, if you have that privilege. If your family, partner, or housemates are going out, jump on that opportunity. Even if you trust your dwelling-mates to knock, it can be nice to know that no one’s gonna walk in on you wrist deep.

---

Notice your shame.

When you’re considering masturbation, you might start to feel ~eMoTioNs~. Namely, shame.

If you’re masturbating, if you’re about to masturbate, or if you’re just thinking about masturbation and you start to feel shame, take a break. Notice the shame in your body or mind. What stories are coming up for you? What does the shame feel like? Whose voice is talking to you? How old is this shame feeling? How old is the “you” who feels this shame?

Once you notice those feelings — feel them. While “coping strategies” like reading a book or going for a walk can be helpful, you have to feel your feelings, or they’ll just keep building up forever and ever.

If you’re just not ready to try masturbating yet, that’s okay — sit with your feelings, go slow, and be gentle with yourself.

---

Remember that fantasies are just fantasies.

Fantasies are figments of your imagination. They exist in your own mind, and no one has to know about them. Heck, you don’t even have to WANT to act on them. They’re just thoughts — that’s it.

It’s okay if you want to think about having sex in a synagogue. Or with your former boss. Or in a temple. Or with your college field hockey teammates. You can think about whatever you want, because your thoughts aren’t hurting or bothering anybody! Thinking about scenarios that feel off-limits can be very sexy. If the scenarios in your erotic imagination shock you, choosing to think through them might remind you that it’s okay to have fantasies about all kinds of situations.

---

Use all of your senses.

When you’re fantasizing, remember to use all of your senses. The sound of someone’s voice saying your name. The feeling of lying on a sandy beach with the sun hazing out your thoughts. How it felt to go skydiving the month before you went to college. The taste of something you really love. The smell of your crush’s deodorant. Sensations are fair game, so use ‘em!

If imagining a full-blown scenario is too overwhelming or brings up too much shame, try focusing on just one of your senses — a sound, a smell, or a sensation. One great way to ground yourself if you get overwhelmed is the 5-4-3-2-1 method — focus, one at a time, on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

---

Experiment with touch.

In case you’re having trouble actually touching your genitals or other parts of your body that turn you on, there are tons of other ways to get comfortable with masturbating. Try touching parts of your body that feel less sexual to you, like your arms, your hands, or your feet. You can touch your erogenous zones over your clothes or undies, too, when you start to feel more relaxed. And if using your hands is just too much, feel free to use a sex toy instead as a bit of a buffer and aid to your pleasure. It’s all fair game!

---

If you’re still struggling to masturbate without shame or if you’re struggling to masturbate at all, I get it. Masturbation is something that’s challenging for many people, especially when you’re coming from faith or cultural communities that never speak of masturbation, consider it disgusting or a sin, or shame people for experiencing and seeking pleasure.

You’re not alone, and there’s help out there! Try bringing it up in therapy if you’re seeing a therapist, or look for a queer-affirming provider. Remember, if a therapist shames you for engaging in masturbation, it’s not you, it’s them — and it’s a sign you should find another mental health professional.

One last tip for the road — remember that no matter when you’re masturbating, there’s probably someone else out there who’s masturbating at the exact same time, because masturbating is a normal, healthy practice — and, hey, you might be moaning in unison!

10 Hot Things You Can Do to Boobs, Chests, and Nipples

Spring is here! Queer babes are ditching their oversized hoodies in favor of tight tees, low-cut tops, and muscle shirts with extra long arm holes to show off our top surgery scars. We’re going topless under overalls. We’re spontaneously getting our nipples pierced. We’re saying, “Technically, my binder is a crop top, and I will wear it as such, thank you very much.”

And some of us are feeling weird! We dread this season when our chests can’t be concealed in layers of flannel, when we can’t find spring break bikinis that actually hold our tits up, when we have to spend half a year drowning in boob sweat. So we’re breaking out the denim vests, the oversized tees, and the full-coverage swim shirts while we wait (impatiently) for autumn.

Even if your chest brings up complicated feelings when you’re out and about in the world, you still might enjoy the sensations your chest has to offer — or maybe you’re really, really into a partner’s top half. If that’s you, you’re in luck! Tits the seasons, if I may, for appreciating chests during sex, masturbation, and makeouts. If you’re ready for some springtime chestploration and nipple stimulation, here are ten hot things you can do to boobs, chests, and nipples.

Some things to keep in mind before you sprint to second base: Some folks don’t like having their chests touched or they only want their chests touched in specific ways, so, just like with any other sex act, ask before you grasp! Some folks might have little or no sensation in their chests or nipples and won’t get much enjoyment out of chest action. Others might have super sensitive chests and nipples and will only want gentle stimulation in this area — this is especially relevant for folks who are in the luteal phase of their menstrual cycle, trans folks who are taking estrogen, and anyone who’s pregnant or chestfeeding. If you try any of the techniques below, make sure you’re continually checking in about pressure and intensity. And if you’re rolling around with someone who recently had a breast augmentation, a breast reduction, top surgery, or any other chest-related procedure, it’s probably not a good time for chest-focused stimulation. Make sure you’re following all post-op instructions.

---

1. Caress

Gently running your fingers over or under a shirt can prepare you or your partner for more intense chest play later on — but it also feels fantastic on its own! Tease yourself or your partner by circling a nipple with your fingers, cup one or both breasts with your hands, or glide a flat palm across an exposed or covered chest.

---

2. Lick

Run your tongue in circles around or across your partner’s nipples. Lap up the sweat on their sternum. If you have an armpit fetish, dive on in! And if you’ve been wanting to use that edible body paint from your best friend’s sister’s bachelorette party, here’s your chance — many edible topicals contain sugar, so they shouldn’t be used on genitals, but chests and other body parts are fair-game. Just make sure you check in about skin allergies first. And there’s always whipped cream or chocolate sauce (or gravy — you do you)!

---

3. Bite

Perhaps your partner would like a gentle nibble on their nipple or a hearty bite on the breast — we’re checking in about desires and boundaries ahead of time, remember? Start gently and ask your partner to let you know if and when you’re chomping too hard (they can say, “Ouch!” or “Too hard!” or use a pre-designated safe word).

---

4. Squeeze

Some boobs, pecs, and nipples are begging to be cupped, squeezed, or pinched, depending on the recipient’s preference. You can do it with one hand or two, if you’re working with an ample chest. If you enjoy multitasking, give a squeeze while you’re masturbating, while you’re kissing a partner, while you’re stimulating your partner’s genitals with your other hand or a dildo, or while you’re going down on them.

---

5. Clamp

Speaking of squeezing and pinching, nipple clamps can help you give yourself intense nipple stimulation, and they can also help you squeeze your partner’s nips when your hands and mouth are otherwise occupied. If you’re new to nipple toys, start with adjustable clamps so you can experiment with different intensities. Remember — the most intense sensation happens AFTER the clamps are removed, so if the recipient doesn’t like how the clamps are feeling, remove them sooner rather than later.

Any time you’re cutting off or reducing blood flow to an area, there’s some risk of tissue damage, so nipple clamps shouldn’t be used for a prolonged period of time. The amount of time that’s safe varies based on each person’s body and the type of clamps you’re using. A good rule of thumb is to pay attention to the color of the nipples — it’s normal for the color to change a bit while the nipples are clamped, but if the color starts to change drastically or if the nipples are turning blue, it’s time to get those clamps off. If the recipient has nipple piercings, don’t use clamps until the piercings are fully healed.

---

6. Slap

If you’ve enjoyed spanking an ass, I can assure you that slapping a tit is, perhaps, even better. Gentle slaps on a boob, pec, or nipple (never on the sternum, collarbone, or ribs!) using your hand, a small paddle, or a riding crop facilitates blood flow to the area, which can make nipples more sensitive.

---

7. Vibrate

Vibrators aren’t just for genitals! While there are plenty of vibrating nipple clamps available for folks who want both squeezing and vibration, you can use any type of vibrator for nipple stimulation. If vibration isn’t your jam, check out oscillating toys like the Ersocillator — or try the Nymph, which combines oscillation and vibration for next-level nipple stimulation.

For folks who prefer to keep their top half covered, vibrators can also provide nipple stimulation over a shirt, bra, or binder. You may need to use a more powerful vibrator like a Magic Wand if the recipient’s bra or binder is on the thicker side.

---

8. Suck

Vibrators are versatile, and so are air technology toys, which are usually marketed as clit stimulators — if it gets clits hard, it gets nips hard, too. Use the Womanzier or the Aer on nipples for a pulsing and sucking sensation, or if you’re strictly seeking suction, silicone nipple “suckers” will get the job done. For maximalists, there’s Her Ultimate Pleasure, which combines suction, vibration, and a licking sensation from the toy’s textured “tongue.”

You can also try an air pump, which uses air pressure to increase sensation and size in nipples or breasts. There are even breast enlargement pumps that claim to encourage breast tissue growth (most are advertised to cis women, but plenty of trans women use these, too, to promote breast growth or to enjoy temporary enlargement). Since these pumps also enhance sensation, they can be used for sexy reasons, too. Remember that if you’re using too much air pressure for too long, pumps can cause pain, bruising, and broken blood vessels. Make sure you thoroughly read the instructions for your pump before you try it out. Using pumps on any part of the body can be dangerous for people who have blood disorders, have a history of blood clots, or take blood thinners, so if that’s you, check in with your doctor before your first attempt.

If you prefer a toy-free experience, you can also suck on a partner’s nipples with your mouth (I’m looking at you, queers with mommi kinks!) or suck on their chest if you want to leave an easily concealed hickey.

---

9. Tie

Some chests must be gift-wrapped, and by “gift-wrapped,” I mean “tied up in delightful rope bondage.” This Autostraddle article will walk you through the steps for tying a basic chest harness. You can also learn how to tie a chest harness that enhances breast size or flattens the chest, depending on the recipient’s preference — so in addition to functioning as bondage (or as a series of handles for throwing your partner around), chest harnesses can also provide a healthy dose of gender euphoria! Don’t forget — anytime you’re practicing rope bondage, make sure you have safety shears on hand in case of emergency. If you want to learn more about rope bondage technique and safety, read The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori, read Shibari You Can Use by Lee Harrington, or take a rope bondage workshop at your local sex toy store or dungeon.

---

10. Ice

If you’ve ever had nipples, you know exactly how they respond to cold temperatures — so use an ice cube or a metal spoon that’s been in your freezer to get your nips or a partner’s nips standing at attention. You can also use Nip Zip, a flavored balm that creates a cooling sensation.

---

How do you like to appreciate boobs, chests, and nipples? Share your titspiration in the comments.

How Black Queer and Trans Folks Can Get Involved in the Kink Community

Black queer and trans folks have always been part of kink and BDSM — but many kink education and community spaces lack cultural competency, and some are breeding grounds for homophobia, transphobia, and racism. Fortunately, that’s changing — a new wave of Black queer and trans educators are creating welcoming pathways to kink.

In the hands of Black queer and trans folks, kink can be deeply healing and transformative. I love being a resource for Black queer and trans people who are seeking pleasure and joy, and I’m excited to provide some tips that can get you started on your kink journey.

Before I share information about kink education and events, let’s start with some definitions:

“Kink” is an umbrella term that refers to unconventional sexual practices and fantasies. Black queer and trans folks already live outside of society’s expectations — and through kink, we can push boundaries in new directions.

“BDSM” is another umbrella term referring to the consensual physical and mental interplay of desire, power dynamics, and role-playing.

The ‘B’ in BDSM stands for bondage, which might involve ropes, handcuffs, hog ties, and other restraints that limit movement.

The ‘D’ and the ‘S’ stand for dominance or discipline and submission. In BDSM, a Dom/me might impose rules or provide tasks or punishments in an effort to coach their submissive towards growth and pleasure. A submissive offers themself to their Dom/me, and in exchange for giving up power, they receive care, guidance, and the freedom to not be in charge (albeit temporarily).

The ‘S’ and ‘M’ stand for sadism and masochism, which might involve giving and receiving spankings, using ice to heighten sensation and pain, or edging (denying an orgasm) to increase someone’s desperate need for pleasure. A sadist enjoys consensually inflicting pain and a masochist enjoys consensually receiving it.

Here’s how Black queer and trans folks can get involved in kink and BDSM:

---

Get Curious

Your journey in kink and BDSM should be as unique as you are. Discovering what you like, what you’re curious about, and what you’d like to try is half the fun! You can start by taking this BDSM quiz to understand the areas of kink you want to explore.

---

Take Classes and Attend Educational Events

You should learn how to practice kink and BDSM safely by adequately assessing risk and navigating consent with play partners. Kink is most powerful when it is rooted in communication, trust, understanding, and patience — so study up!

Classes led by experienced educators can teach you essential safety practices, and they can help you to understand what you want from kink and BDSM before you dive in. Search for local community events (“munches” are informal kink meet-ups held in public social spaces), public workshops, and demonstrations hosted by your local dungeon or sex toy store. If in-person events aren’t accessible to you or if you can’t find a space that feels comfortable, inclusive, and affirming, search for virtual workshops. The need for more accessible online education for Black kinksters was the driving force in launching my own online education community, Black Queer Dom Society.

---

Get Out There, Connect, and Play!

These kink spaces, national events, and online communities are powerful, queer- and trans-friendly spaces that are BIPOC-led. I encourage you to get to know them (always vet folks, even if they come recommended) and build a community that will support your journey.

BLX (New York, NY) is a Black-led organization “committed to reducing and eliminating the shame and stigma associated within the Black and Brown LGBTQI+ Leather/Kink and BDSM community around alternative relationships.” They host a biannual educational summit and other events.

Dark Haven ATL (Atlanta, GA) is a QTPOC co-owned and operated creative studio and BDSM art gallery providing educational and creative environments for exploration. This member-supported project is a soft landing spot for “QTBIPOC and allies to gather, play, and learn.”

DC Cuddle Club (Washington, DC) is led by Jax, a sacred sex coach, doula, somatic bodyworker, and cuddle specialist. Jax has built a pleasure community that centers and celebrates Black Femmes, helping them thrive, heal, and seek pleasure through teaching, coaching, and connecting. While this is not a kink and BDSM-specific space, cuddle clubs can help folks connect to their bodies and experiment with new sensations.

Experience Covet (virtual) is the most vetted and secure online kink community I’ve seen — and it’s Black-owned. It’s a pleasure-positive virtual space specifically “for BIPOC humans founded in care, consideration, and consent.” Experience Covet also hosts in-person events around the country.

Funko Adult Sleepaway Camp (Kent, CT) is a summer camp run by Experience Covet — it focuses on kink education exclusively for BIPOC attendees. This camp happens every other year (and it’s happening in May 2023!). Funko Adult Sleepaway Camp was cultivated with the intention to write us back into the stories that we have been written out of.

Kinky Black House (Chicago, IL) is a Black- and queer-run kink collective and pop-up community space exclusively for “LGBTQIA+ Black & POC individuals interested in kink.” They curate events, workshops, classes, discussion spaces, and meetups for kinksters of all skill levels, both virtually and in-person. To be vetted for their events, complete this form.

Sex Down South (Atlanta, GA) – This annual conference led by a team of Black folks was “born out of a desire to create a safe space in the Southeast where folks could explore sex and sexuality.” Sex Down South provides interdisciplinary workshops, kinky performances, parties, and more. While this year’s conference doesn’t have a virtual attendance option, videos of some of these events will be available on the Sex Down South website. Here’s one of the event’s guiding principles: “The voices, feelings, and experiences of people of color should be prioritized. People of color have historically been excluded from discussions and research within the field of sex education.”

Honorable Mention: Bloom Community App (virtual) is a great resource to find local events. On Bloom Community, you can connect organically with burner, queer, artist, creative, polyamorous, wellness, kink, conscious, spiritual, and alternative communities through meaningful shared experiences like festivals, parties, live music, park hangouts, workshops, and more. This is not a Black-led space, but it’s a great place to find online and virtual events in your local community.

Wishing you lots of joy and pleasure!

How to Finger Your Partner When You Have Chronic Pain in Your Hands

You’re itching to top the hell out of your partner using some good ol’ fashioned digital stimulation — but your hands hurt. Maybe your fingers are tired after last night’s spirited sex fest. Maybe they’re worn out from a long, wholesome day of scrapbooking. Or maybe hand pain is just part of your daily life. If you’re a queer person living with arthritis, chronic tendinitis, hypermobility — or any other disability, chronic illness, or injury that causes pain in your hands — you’re probably a little too familiar with the ways chronic pain can affect your sex life. Friend, you’re not alone.

I’m not a doctor or a physical therapist — I’m just a dyke with chronic pain who writes about sex for a living, and I’m here to share some hot tips that might make fingering more accessible.

If you already know that finger banging just doesn’t work for you, you certainly don’t have to do it. There are plenty of other ways to have hot, queer sex! But if providing digital stimulation is on your “yes” list, a few minor adjustments can make finger fucking a little easier, even when pain is cramping your style. As with any sex advice, some of these tips might not apply to your specific needs. Take what works and leave the rest!

---

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

You already know this, but it’s worth reiterating: If you want to have mutually pleasurable sex, you’re going to have to share your desires and needs with your partner — including your accessibility needs. It’s okay to say, “I would love to [insert sexual act], and I need [insert access need] in order to do that in a way that’s comfortable for me.” If your sexual partner doesn’t respect your access needs, they’re not worthy of your time or your topping skills.

---

Choose a Comfortable Position

When we’re having sex, most of us focus on the comfort of the person who’s getting fucked. I get it — service tops will service top — but we have to look out for our own bods, too, especially if we want to go at it for a long period of time.

Before you initiate external stimulation or penetration with your fingers, take note of the position your body is in. If you know you won’t be able to hold this position for multiple minutes, reposition yourself and/or reposition your partner so you can more easily access their erogenous zones. Elevate your partner’s hips on a cushion, prop up your elbow on a pillow, have your partner lie on their back with their legs hanging off the bed while you sit in a chair in front of them — do whatever feels comfortable and sustainable for you and your partner. The position you end up in might not look like any of the sex positions you’ve seen on The L Word, but guess what? You’re a real person having real sex, and as long as you and your partner are enjoying yourselves, it doesn’t matter what your sex looks like.

---

Focus On Your Form

If you’ve ever worked out, tried physical therapy, or played a sport, you’re probably familiar with the idea of “good form.” While sex isn’t a “sport” in the traditional sense, sometimes sex-havers need to treat ourselves like athletes — okay, champ? Your torso and hips might be in a comfortable position, but if you find that your shoulder is up to your ear or your wrist is bending at an awkward angle, you probably need to make some adjustments.

If you’re thrusting with your fingers, try using your larger, stronger muscles to get the job done — in other words, move from your shoulder instead of from your wrist. If you can, roll your shoulders back and pretend like you’re tucking your shoulder blades into your back pockets. This activates the muscles under your shoulder blades, which will prevent you from putting stress on your rotator cuff and help you keep those shoulders in alignment (this is especially important for hypermobile folks like me who are prone to dislocations and subluxations).

You can take steps to improve your form outside of the bedroom, too. Keep up with your physical therapy, if that’s part of your usual body maintenance — and if lifting weights or doing some light bodyweight exercise is safe for your specific meatsuit, try out these sexercises recommended by a queer personal trainer.

---

Use Your Assistive Devices

If wearing a brace or braces helps you with other physical activities, it’ll probably help you out between the sheets, too. Buds, there is nothing weird or unsexy about wearing an elbow brace, a wrist brace, or any other assistive device while you fuck — and if that assistive device allows you to rail your partner into next week, everybody wins. That said, if you usually wear ring splints to stabilize your fingers and you want to wear those during sex, stick to external digital stimulation — you don’t want to scratch your partner’s vagina or anus or lose one of your splints inside your sweetie’s ass.

DIY Tip: If you don’t have a wrist brace available, wrap the fingers of your other hand around the wrist of the hand you’re using the fuck — it’s a simple way to give yourself a little extra support.

---

Let Your Partner Do the Work

If you have limited hand mobility or if you’re in too much pain to stroke, rub, or thrust with your fingers, put your partner in driver’s seat. Ask them to grind their genitals against your palm, or hold your fingers still and let your partner ride them — this is fun on its own, and it also allows your partner to demonstrate the pressure and speed they like.

---

Switch Hands

This might sound obvious, but you might need a reminder: You are allowed to switch hands while you’re fingering a partner, especially if you deal with chronic pain! If you have two hands with a similar level of functioning, give your usual fucking fingers a rest in the middle of your sex session and let your non-dominant hand do some work.

Pro Tip: If you’re penetrating a partner with your fingers, use the thumb of the hand you’re removing to provide some external stimulation on your partner’s clit or perineum for a seamless switch.

---

Try Fisting

Hear me out: Fisting can be a great activity for tops with chronic pain because it typically requires minimal movement (or no movement at all) on the top’s end — for many fisting bottoms, the “full” feeling that a fist provides is enough stimulation on its own. Plus, it looks like a cool magic trick.

Be aware that if your partner is enthusiastic about getting stuffed and you manage to get your entire fist in their hole, your hand is going to experience some pressure. For some fisting tops, that pressure can feel like a nice, warm hand massage, but it might not be comfortable for everyone.

If you don’t have prior fisting experience, make sure you clearly understand how to fist safely before your first attempt. This Autostraddle guide covers vaginal fisting, and this article offers step-by-step instructions for both vaginal and anal fisting.

---

Use a Sex Toy

If you struggle with small, repetitive movements like stroking or rubbing or if your fingers just can’t give your partner the internal pressure they’re craving, then it’s time to whip out the sex toys. Using a sex toy doesn’t mean you’ve “failed” at fingering — sex toys are tools that can make your solo or partnered sex life more enjoyable, and for many people with chronic pain, toys are a necessity.

If your partner digs external stimulation, choose a vibrator or air pulse toy that’s lightweight and easy for you to hold. Some online sex toy retailers list the weight and dimensions of toys on their websites, but if you’re not sure what will work for you, it’s probably best to shop in person so you can get a feel for different options. If you have limited hand mobility or low grip strength, you can opt for a vibrator that rests between two fingers (like the Yumi Finger Vibrator [$62]) or one that’s worn on your finger like a ring or a finger cot (check out the Rechargeable Finger Teaser Vibe [$30] and the Frisky Finger [$55]). There’s even an air pulse toy you can wear like a ring — the Shegasm Mini Stimulator ($30).

For dildos, the same rules apply: Look for one that’s lightweight and easy to grip. And if you’ve ever thought, “Gee, I wish my dildo had a handle for easier thrusting,” I have thrilling news — you can purchase a dildo handle that pops right inside most hollow, silicone toys!

If holding a dildo isn’t going to work, you can always wear it in a pelvic harness or a thigh harness and let your partner ride it off into the sunset. Some companies actually make hand harnesses, too, although they can be hard to find at mainstream sex toy retailers. Check out your favorite independent harness-maker’s website to see if they offer hand harnesses or make custom pieces.

For more tips on shopping for accessible sex toys, check out this Autostraddle guide.

---

Don’t Use Your Hands At All

If you’re doing everything you can to make finger fucking accessible and it’s not working out in the moment or in general, that’s okay! There are lots of hands-free ways you can top the living hell out of a partner. Go down on them. Eat their ass. Press your thigh between your partner’s legs. Ask them to wear a butt plug out to dinner. Tell your partner a sexy story or give them instructions while they masturbate. I! Could! Go! On!

If you want more tips on navigating sex when you live with chronic pain or other disabilities, read A Quick & Easy Guide to Sex & Disability by Autostraddle writer A. Andrews.

You Need Help: How Can I Deal With My Own Sexual Shame?

Q:

So, my partner and I have been together coming up three years now, but we’ve not had sex in over two years. I love her, and this isn’t a deal breaker for me, but I am trying to figure out how to deal with my own sexual shame.

I grew up in an intensely Christian family where sex was not a thing to be discussed and being gay didn’t exist as far as I knew. I didn’t figure out I was queer until I was near 21, despite the fact that apparently it could be ‘seen from space’. Unfortunately for me though, I have a fairly high libido, so I spent my teen years furiously masturbating and then drowning myself in shame about it — I literally (as in really, truly) thought I’d been possessed by some kind of lust demon.

The furious masturbation part is still a thing, but I’m doing my best to undo the shame bit — not always very successful, but Autostraddle helps <3 One side effect of the shame (I think) is that I’ve never been able to orgasm with a partner, even when I’m enjoying myself. I know orgasms aren’t ‘the goal’ but it would be nice. I know it’s not a mechanical problem, so to speak, because all that masturbation has given me plenty of evidence that my body at least is capable. So, my conclusion is that it’s psychological — all that shame weighing me down still.

Now, enter my partner — my first serious girlfriend (we’re in our thirties, I was late to the party), and honestly the person I want to spend my life with. She gets that orgasms aren’t the goal of sex and she easily dealt with my inability there better than anyone I’ve ever been with before, back in the first 9 months or so of our relationship when we were having sex.

The tricky bit comes in because she has her own trauma, namely involving exes demanding sex regardless of what she wanted, meaning that sometimes the whole sex thing is not something she wants to even think about and with good reason.

Timeline-wise, as you can possibly guess, our relationship started more or less at the beginning of the pandemic, arguably one of the most stressful time periods. We’ve moved in together and moved house twice, gotten new jobs, all those stressful things in this time and I *think* the stress of that combined with her trauma is part of why sex just isn’t happening any more.

It gets tricky because that kind of feeds my stupid sex-is-shameful brain. I feel shame because I want sex but I don’t want to ask my girlfriend for it. I also dont really want to tell her that the lack of sex is contributing to my sex-is-shameful issues because I *never* ever want to go anywhere near any kind of place where she feels pressured — sex should never be anything less than absolutely consensual, and I feel strongly about that.

I’m also not convinced I have the mental or emotional fortitude to look at something poly or open, etc, which I realise could be one way to deal with this. Plus, when my partner and I first got together, one of the first things we clarified was that while poly or open relationships are fine and dandy, it’s not what either of us were looking for.

But I don’t know what to do. I mean, get therapy would be ideal, but money makes that tricky.

My current plan is just carry on as we are and hope the shame spiral doesn’t get too much, but that doesn’t exactly feel like a strong plan.

If you want I can also throw in the fact that my body-image issues aren’t exactly helped by this situation either — I’ve never exactly been ‘traditionally attractive’, and while I know that’s all trash, it doesn’t stop the voice in my head that says maybe we’d be having sex if she found me sexier.

It’s all a bit fucked up and I don’t know who to ask for help. If you have anything, any kind of advice, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

A:

Hi reader,

As someone who also grew up intensely Christian, I want you to know that your shame is not uncommon and you’re not alone in feeling it. While it does take a long time to undo, you’re on the right track by acknowledging it verbally.

When you talk about your concern for your partner’s trauma, your body issues, and your sexual shame, it sounds to me like these things are working together to stop any sexual conversation.

If she’s as considerate toward you as you are toward her, then she’s also taking your issues into account. That is to say, if she’s concerned that sex is shameful for you, she may never initiate it — just like you won’t initiate it because you’re worried about pressuring her.

I can’t say for certain how she feels, but when couples stop having sex it’s usually less about sex itself and more about their communication. Sex can impact self-esteem both ways, so it’s also possible that she feels like you don’t want to have sex with her.

Secrecy also has an effect on shame and sex. If she knows you masturbate or watch porn but never initiate sex, then she knows you’re sexual — just not toward her. Likewise, if you’re still hiding it, it’s going to make you feel worse about the act even though you aren’t doing anything wrong.

I know this sounds like I’m just giving you more things to worry about, but my point is that your shame might be giving you an inaccurate picture of both of your sexualities. You’re talking about it as if sex with you is a chore but sex with her is a gift. I hope I’m not misreading your words, and I don’t believe you consciously think that, but it’s common for shame to make us feel that way.

This feeling can make partnered orgasms and sexual communication difficult. I hate that therapy is so expensive because I believe it would help. For now, though, I want you to focus on affirming trust in your partner over your insecurities and shame.

This means that if your partner thinks you’re attractive, you trust them enough to choose to believe it — even if you don’t feel attractive. It does not mean that you depend on your partner’s opinion to value yourself.

Few of us have the time or money to spend hours in the gym, but just a walk around the block or a small set of daily callisthenics (like air squats) can do wonders for self-confidence. This not only releases the feel-good chemicals in your brain, but it also helps boost your self-image.

I would recommend laying all your cards on the table at once. Ask her plainly, “hey, can we talk about sex later?” and pick a time when neither of you will be tired or feel rushed. Plan what you want to say and be ready to hear things you might not expect.

“I want to communicate about sex better, but I feel like I would be pressuring you into something you don’t want to do,” is a good way to start. This lets her know that you want to have a conversation and identifies your concerns about her. From there, we get back into trust — you need to trust that she is as strong and mature of an adult as you are and that if she consents to sex it’s because she wants to.

It’s okay if you need affirmation, and it’s not uncommon to ask, “do you feel pressured into this?” or something similar. Being concerned for her mental health is a good thing, but if you can’t trust her words, then you aren’t truly seeing her as another human being.

There’s so much more that could be contributing to your problems, and I want you to be able to find that information when you need it, so I’m linking to some places where you can learn more. Our bodies change as we go through life, and sometimes our sex drive stops being spontaneous and becomes responsive. Sometimes sex loses its luster and we need to add new fantasies or toys in the bedroom. Even if you start having sex again, it’s possible that you’ll have very different levels of libido. Don’t treat anything like an answer for everything — just build your perspective as best you can and use that perspective to communicate.

If there’s one thing to take away from this, it’s that you need to tell her how you feel and you need to talk to her about what she feels rather than assuming. I know it sounds like the most basic advice in the world, but opening up is the only way to work through these things in a relationship. Shame tends to smother us in a blanket of insecurity that makes us feel wrong when we try to get better. Sometimes the only way out is to push through.

---

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

She/Her/Sir: Finding My Home in Kink as a Black, Queer, Masc of Center Dom

While I had always been a very strong top in the bedroom, it was the femme women I dated who helped me understand myself through kink. One requested to be leashed, another wanted to be primally dominated, and another asked for help finding direction in her daily life. At the time, all I really knew about kink and BDSM was the stereotype available in popular culture — as far as I knew, kink was white, heteronormative, and violent, without redeeming qualities. I did not want to see myself slide into a subculture that I saw as inherently misogynist. But my desire to fill the needs of these women challenged me to become a student of kink and BDSM. I took a year off from dating and delved deeply into the world of Black, queer kink, and in that space, I found myself.

I’m non-monogamous, and while my wife of almost 20 years is not submissive, she is the most open-minded person I’ve ever met. She seeks freedom and Black joy in every aspect of her life, and the way she lives unapologetically is a constant source of inspiration. So when she suggested I start a kinky Instagram account because I was bored with dating apps, I figured, why not? I craved connections — not just sexual ones, but energetic connections. I wanted a place where I could learn and grow with others who were carving out space for Black, queer kink.

I hoped that there would be others out there like me, a Sensual Dominant — someone who uses reward and praise to explore power dynamics. I imagined a group of a couple hundred folks ready to talk about power exchange and kink from a place of pleasure and joy (with just a little bit of pain). Once I started my Instagram account, I was blown away by the depth of interest. There was a clear need for conversations about kink and the collective wisdom of Blackness — how we transform kink into something profoundly healing, spiritual, and ritual-based. Now there are over 14,000 of us. I have a learning circle of almost 200 Black queer and trans folks looking to become Dominants and deepen their practice, and I’m hosting my first submissive training in the spring.

Kink and BDSM have played a long-standing role in queer history, but the retellings of that history don’t often integrate the voices of Black folks. Today, Black, queer femmes and GNC folks are reclaiming the space and transforming it in beautiful ways. We’re reimagining kink as a space of agency for Black women and queers around the world, where consent and pleasure are at the center. Kink empowers us to advocate for ourselves and our needs (sexual and otherwise) by increasing our skills in negotiation, navigating consent, and exploring our people-pleasing tendencies and repressed desires. Kink and BDSM can be profound spaces of sexual and emotional healing — something that Black people, and especially Black women, deeply deserve.

I love ritualistic body worship, tea and cigar service, wax play, fire play, deep impact play, and, of course, power play. For me, kink has brought me deeper into my purpose as a caretaker, nurturer, and leader. As a Daddi and Dominant, I am responsible for the well-being and support of those in my care, and I get to cultivate a safe space for others to explore what brings them the deepest pleasure. Being a Daddi honors my queer masculinity (in such gender affirming ways) while drawing on my deep nurturing qualities. I offer my submissives mindfulness practices, monitor their daily progress towards the goals they’ve set for themselves, make sure they eat regularly and get enough sleep, buy them stuffies to cuddle at night, and provide lots of encouragement, protection, and space for them to indulge their inner child when they need it. This allows the submissives I play with (who are often responsible for everyone in their lives) to rest, and it gives them a chance to reclaim the childhood they may not have been fully able to enjoy. Black women take on such an incredibly disproportionate amount of care in this world, and it is my honor to hold space for them in this way.

I am constantly humbled by the experiences and moments of care I am allowed to hold — the vulnerability, the Black joy. Submissive pleasure pushes me to further my craft as a Dominant. What I’ve learned through kink goes far beyond sex. I am constantly learning new ways to play with and care for others. Most importantly, I’ve grown as a person. Kink has challenged me to become better at communication, to set boundaries, and to better manage my ego and insecurities (which is still very much a work in progress!). I’m proud of the impact I have on people’s lives, and I’m proud that after being in my care, my submissives are stronger and closer to their dreams.

As my Dominance evolves, so much lies on the horizon. I’m looking forward to creating more spaces for play, pleasure, and learning for Black queer and trans folks in 2023. I want to travel with my submissives (Daddi vacations are lit!) and work with other Black queer and trans kinksters to make pleasure more accessible. Above all, I want to centralize personal growth as a necessary practice for our people. Seeking freedom in pleasure and joy and in the healthy, whole connections that feed us — that is my goal. To be worthy of them. To create them. That’s the point of being here. And I’m excited to contribute what I can to help people in their individual lives and in our collective journey.