Over 3,500 people filled out our survey on fighting in same-sex relationships between women, and earlier this week we produced an impressive infographic and the data on what you fight about most often. For some reason “which was a better series: Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter” did not show up on that list. That’s what this list is for. Culled from your answers about “the stupidest thing you’ve ever fought about.”
1. She thought the best version of “Such Great Heights” was the one by The Postal Service when obviously it’s the one by Iron & Wine
2. I capitalized the dog’s name in text messages but not the cats
3. I woke her up at 2 AM to ask if she thought toasters have souls
4. Who was more popular in high school
5. How to paint a picture of a park
6. Whether or not the screen ratio on our Netflix account had changed with the most recent software update (it did).
7. Whether Rose was a better companion than Martha (no)
8. Which was a better series: Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter
9. Whether Rocky Horror is better than Titanic. I slept on the couch for three days, and still hold that Rocky Horror is a much better movie.
10. That she wouldn’t budge from the fact that she thought no one would ever be stupid enough to try to be Batman (be very rich and become a superhero using gadgets). I thought that it would be inevitable.
11. How many alien creatures (in a movie) could fit in a human body
12. I didn’t tag her in an Instagram photo THAT SHE WASN’T EVEN IN.
13. Which of our astrological sun signs is more of a bitch
14. Mario Kart
15. Kraft Singles
16. Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde
17. Whether “mindfulness” is just being used as a buzzword now
18. Whether the Royal Family is really that well know outside of the U.K.
19. The merit of Bon Iver
20. I wanted to take her cat for a walk on a leash
21. The content of a meeting neither of us were at
22. What actor played the mean clown in Air Bud
23. Whether I would hypothetically take a snow day from work if it occurred. (The fight happened in July.)
24. If the comic book make-up tuturials were real or technologically enhanced
25. She made me feel weird about drinking milk with breakfast
26. Are leggings pants
27. I forgot Chapstick at home on the way to the grocery store and she didn’t have any either
28. I refused to eat at Guy Fieri’s restaurant
29. She wanted me to go get her cookies and instead of asking me directly to do it, she hinted at it. Then she got mad that I didn’t pick up on the hint.
30. We both identify as Ravenclaws, but she says I’m a Hufflepuff and I say she’s a Gryffindor
31. The difference between fried dough and funnel cake. THEY’RE NOT THE SAME THING!
32. Whether or not she could take in a wounded raccoon and raise it as a pet
33. I wanted two tortoises in the future but she said we could only adopt one
34. If someone’s favorite color could be orange. (it was my favorite color but apparently I can’t like the color orange because it’s no one’s favorite color…)
35. Whether I could buy a pair of pants while she was buying bras
36. I have a badass pair of boots that I’m not allowed to wear because boots are her thing, apparently.
37. Who gets to wear the stripes in the outfit: I have a thing about matching and have proposed a 75/25 balance in her favor, while she wants them 100% of the time.
38. If this old shirt of hers was pink, salmon, or coral
39. What the snapchat ghost looks like.
40. Someone else’s haircut
41. We fought about if fruit is a carb until it got so heated I had to cry in the bathroom
42. I don’t like the word “yummy” and she uses it a lot
43. Whether you could put on more than the actual weight of a chocolate bar by eating the chocolate bar.
44. Whether city streets in Chicago are built with a curve to encourage rain water to go into the gutter.
45. Whether I use the phrase “blue filter” too often when we talk about movies.
46. Whether or not we would gift our future hypothetical child a swiss army knife and at what age it would be appropriate
47. I said “my school didn’t have a teacher’s lounge” and she really, really, really didn’t believe that.
48. The true plot of the movie Avatar
49. One time we went to a communism themed party and I accidentally said something mean to her and it hurt her feelings really bad and we didn’t talk for like the whole weekend but I’m not sure what I said, to this day
50. She wouldn’t let me suck her eyeball
51. I can’t even remember but I started it and definitely cried
We asked LGBTQ women in same-sex relationships to take our Lesbian Fight Club survey about the role fighting plays in your relationships, and over 3,500 of you answered the call! We’ve already released two hilarious listlings of some of your stupidest fights (The Gayest, Silly Household Things), and we’re ready to get into the rest of the data. The results were, honestly, fascinating. First, an infographic:
Infographic by Alex Vega
In the above infographic, the percentages indicated in the list of things you’re most likely to fight about come from your answer to “How often do you fight about the following topics?”. The answer options were Constantly, Often, Sometimes, Rarely, Never, and the percentages above represent those who chose Constantly, Often or Sometimes for that topic.
In the ensuing discussion, when I say “frequently” I am referring to the combined numbers of “constantly” and “often” only.
What does this consist of, exactly? Well, a whole lot of things: how much time you spend together (an especially volatile topic for those in long-distance relationships or those with exhausting time-consuming jobs), the level of emotional support required by each partner, whether long-term goals and life plans line up, and who is putting more [time, energy, trust, care-taking] into the relationship. Sometimes you want such different things in the long-term that you’re not even sure if it’ll ever work. 71% of those who fought “constantly” about relationship expectations worried that their relationship might not last — a significantly larger percentage than those who fought constantly about other topics.
Although many picked this category, very few elaborated on it: but, interestingly enough, the overwhelming majority of people who picked this as something they fought about Often or Constantly used the comment boxes to explain that they don’t really “fight” so much as “bicker,” “disagree,” or have “briefly heated conversations.” This category for many people might just be serving as a stand-in for the various five-minute squabbles we have about the little things the other person does that annoy us: leaving drawers partially open on a dresser, exhibiting road rage, leaving the light on in the kitchen, talking too loudly, showing up late for things, losing their keys, checking e-mail too often, and so forth.
Sex is a huge issue in relationships and the most common conflict related to sex is frequency: mis-matched sex drives came up with almost every commenter who indicated fighting about sex constantly/often. Sub-complications of this genre included one partner’s sex drive being impacted by anti-depressants or stress/exhaustion, dealing with past sexual trauma, and feelings about who initiates more. As we learned in our Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey, couples having more sex were more likely to report being “ecstatic” — the highest option offered on the relationship satisfaction matrix — in their relationship, but there wasn’t a huge correlation between couples who were “happy” (the second-highest option) and couples who had more sex. We’ve done a lot of work on this topic: on Moving Beyond Lesbian Bed Death and Bridging The Libido Gap, Surviving Lesbian Bed Death, what to do when Your Girlfriend Never Ever Ever Wants To Have Sex. We’ve talked about (Having More) Sex, when You Can’t Always Get What You Want(In Bed) and when a particular sex act gives you PTSD — and also, Here Is A Worksheet To Help You Talk To Partners About Sex.
Unsurprisingly, those who fought about sex constantly or often were the least likely to report always having makeup sex – only 4.3% do, compared to 38% of the whole.
Seriously if somehow none of us ever had to do the dishes, we’d all get along way better — and the household things we find to fight about are really truly special. Although housework doesn’t crack the top ten most contentious topics for relationships who’ve been together for a year or less, it debuts at #6 for relationships who’ve been together 1-2 years, and continues climbing the charts — by the 5+ year mark, it hits #3 and settles at #2 for 10+ year relationships. So, basically, as soon as you start living together, you start fighting about how to live together! Most of these arguments are of the “who does more” variety and are further complicated by couples with messy pets.
So here’s how this goes: you don’t hang out with each other’s friends, or you don’t like each other’s friends, or you wish their friends didn’t include their exes. Maybe they’re an introvert and you’re an extrovert. Or there’s jealousy there — she doesn’t trust you to go out without her, or seems to have more fun with her friends than with you. Of those who fought frequently about friends/socializing, 48% also fought frequently about jealousy/other people and 28% about exes, compared to 13.8% and 8.6% of the entire group.
Not trusting your partner and worrying about them cheating on you or being suspicious of her friendships can really put a lot of stress on a relationship, which’s perhaps why 42% of people who frequently fought about this think the way they fight is unhealthy, compared to 17% of the entire group. This was a source of contention much more prevalent in newer relationships than older ones, though, and it seems to be a somewhat larger issue for bisexual women: 41-42% of lesbians dating bisexuals fought about this, compared to 39% of bisexuals dating bisexuals, 31%-35% of queers dating lesbians, 33.5% of lesbians dating lesbians and 29% of queers dating queers. Non-monogamous/open relationships struggled with this more than monogamous ones — 42% of folks in non-monogamous or open relationships fought about this, compared to 34% of the whole group.
It’s difficult to draw conclusions from this without a longitudinal study — do couples fight less about jealousy over time, or are couples who get jealous less likely to stay together past a couple of years?
45% of married folks fight about money, compared to 30% of the unmarried — combining finances isn’t easy! Money fights seem to fall into three main categories: one person makes more money than the other (or one is unemployed), there are disagreements about spending habits and saving, or tight finances overall cause general stress and tension. This issue is really stressful for lesbian relationships especially because women’s earning power is so much less than men’s — moreso for LGBTQ women — and we’re more likely to be cut off from family or social safety nets.
A lot of you fight about work and school schedules — one partner working/studying too much or not enough, prioritizing work over the relationship or residual stress from work/school. And, of course, a lot of you are doing that super complicated thing where we work with each other (I’m guilty of this too — I co-own this website with an ex-girlfriend and run A-Camp with another ex-girlfriend!), which offers so many more opportunities for high-charged disagreements. Whereas only 26% of the entire group said they currently fight more than usual due to a temporary situation, 43% of those who fight frequently about work/school do. School, of course, is temporary, and all of us tend to imagine a time in our lives when we’ll be working less.
This is another category highly impacted by length of relationship — it barely comes up for newbies and climbs the charts the longer a couple is together. In fact, by the time we reach the 10-year mark, you’re fighting more often about relatives than about sex! Heterosexual couples certainly deal with a lot of family-related conflicts, but queer couples are more prone to them: a lot of y’all are dealing with family who are homophobic, unsupportive or otherwise insufferable to be around due to their feelings about your sexual orientation. There were a lot of unrelated-to-being-gay family conflicts, too: disagreements on how to handle toxic family members, cultural conflicts, “her mom/dad hates me,” living with relatives and different attitudes towards family in general.
LGBTQ women are more likely than straight people to have mental and physical health issues — something I recently dug into in depth using results from our Grown-Ups survey. On this survey, mental health issues came up a lot amongst people who fought frequently about health, as well as disagreements over how one partner is handling their physical or mental health — how often they exercise, what they eat, how often they drink or use drugs or smoke or how they manage a physical or mental health problem. Speaking from personal experience on all sides, relationships in which one or both partners have depression, anxiety, BPD, PTSD or any number of psychiatric diagnoses require a lot of understanding, patience and communication, and mental health is something we talk about a lot around here.
Exes, along with the next two items on this list, are a topic that only makes the top nine for couples who’ve been together for less than a year — and of those who fight frequently about exes, 96% also fight frequently about other people/jealousy. “Exes” is probably seen more as a sub-topic of “other people/jealousy” than its own thing and perhaps should’ve been treated as such on the survey.
The most cited conflict for this category was discomfort with somebody still being friends with their ex, but difficulties with ex-husbands came up, too. Another interesting tidbit: only 17% of queer/queer couples fight about exes, but between 21% and 26% of lesbian/lesbian, lesbian/bisexual and bisexual/bisexual couples do.
Also, one of you wrote: “She’s convinced I’m secretly sleeping with a man. I’m not. But she is.” YOU GUYS!! Y’all need to break up. Speaking of breaking up, those who fight frequently about exes were the most likely to agree with the statement “the amount of fighting we do makes me worry that our relationship won’t last.” This might be why longer-term couples fight less often about exes — although it’s also due to the fact that exes are farther in the past the longer you’re together, it’s also possible that couples who fought a lot about exes didn’t last as long as those who didn’t.
This is our second topic that made the top ten most-fought-about topics for brand new couples but not for any couples together for one year or more — however, it’s not that more lengthy relationships fought about it way less often than newer ones, simply that topics that weren’t issues for new relationships overtook it (e.g., housework, relatives, health.) However, radically different substance habits be an insurmountable issue for many couples, especially for queer women who may socialize in all-female groups containing mostly mutual friends — as opposed to a boyfriend/husband who might go out “with the guys” to get hammered.
What’s happening with the couples who fight about this a lot? Well, they smoke and you hate it. They like to party and you don’t. You think she drinks too much or she thinks you drink too much or you think she smokes too much pot. Addiction issues, relapses or even scarier stuff — like she steals your prescription drugs or has ended up hospitalized for drinking.
Those who fight about drinking/smoking/drugs frequently were also the most likely to report fights that always, often or sometimes involved physical abuse — 6%-12.9% of them did, compared to 1.6-2.6% of the entire group. This topic was the third most likely, after “exes” and “other people/jealousy,” to report fights that always, often or sometimes involved emotional abuse.
Sometimes these arguments deeply reflected that “the personal is political” — a white partner not understanding a non-white partner‘s experiences of racism or differences in background (red state vs. blue state) leading to present-tense conflicts. Those who fought frequently about politics/social issues were the least likely to worry that their relationship won’t last because of fighting, despite also being the second-most-likely to fight every day. They were also the most likely to agree that fighting can be productive (56%) and the least likely to agree that the way they fight is unhealthy (27%). This ranked higher for new couples, perhaps because politics/social justice issues are often deeply tied to personality moreso than relationship dynamics, and it makes sense that they’re controversial mostly during the first year, when you’re still evaluating the compatibility of your partnership.
The reason “children” fall so low on this list is probably because most of the survey-takers don’t have any — although quite a few people did report fighting about whether or not to have kids or tension around trying to get pregnant. Of those who had kids, many seem to have come into the relationship with kids from prior relationships. “Children” comes in at 14 out of 14 issues for all relationship lengths until we hit the 5+ year mark, at which point it crawls to #13, and then leaps to #9 at the 10+ year mark. The main thing worth mentioning about couples with children is that y’all are tired. Y’ALL ARE SO TIRED. You have fights about parenting styles but also a lot of you are just so incredibly tired and so you bicker every now and then but it’s usually fine. This is likely why those who fought frequently about children were the most likely to fight every day.
Over 3,500 people filled out our survey on fighting in lesbian relationships, and we’re crunching the data currently to unleash a glorious bundle of posts about your hang-ups and blow-outs and relationship issues. In the meantime, we’ll be publishing more fun lists to make us all feel normal for fighting about the dishes all the time. Seriously, y’all had a lot of things to say about dish-washing in this survey. Only 20% of co-habitating people never fight about housework, and 21% of co-habitants fight about housework often or constantly.
We asked “what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever fought about?” and a great deal of your responses were related to things around the house. Here are just some of the many crucial issues tearing our love to pieces, ripped mercilessly out of context (e.g., if you provided an analysis of how the fight was resolved, that bit might not be included below) and presented here for your enjoyment.
1. I borrowed her hair scrunchie without asking. And her eyeliner.
2. Who had to call AT&T to get the internet fixed
3. I kept finishing off the chocolate bars that were in the cupboard
4. Someone had eaten the last of ice cream and I didn’t have any but once
5. She finished the yoghurt dip without sharing
6. She thought I’d eaten the last of the cheese and became unreasonably angry! As we were arguing, she accidentally trapped my hand in her knee-pit. I didn’t want to make her more upset, so I tried to slowly ease my hand out. It made her laugh so hard she peed on me!
7. Apparently I was supposed to bring home cheese doodles. HOW DARE I FORGET?!
8. She put bell pepper in a pot at the wrong point for a recipe we were making together
9. How to make meatloaf
10. How to melt chocolate for Christmas candy
11. How to bake potatoes (microwave vs oven)
12. How much ice to put in a cup
13. Not cooking fajitas the “right” way
14. Whether to boil the corn or eat it raw
15. If she boiled the water correctly for the mac’n’cheese
16. Whether or not you should add salt to food
17. Whether to add garlic to a pesto dish
18. Buying pre-made lasagne sauce, then not buying it, then buying the wrong one
19. How much effort it took to make a grilled cheese sandwich vs. putting pre-cooked chili ingredients into the crock pot.
20. Whether or not home cooked ‘fusion’ in both our heritage food cultures is appropriative (e.g. “Gouda in polenta?” Answer: it’s a no go, “Kimchi in leftover pasta?” Hell yes.)
21. Whether or not it is really necessary that we always brush our teeth together.
22. I painted a room and got paint on the light switch cover
23. I forgot to put a glass under the spout of a juicer before beginning to juice, and got beet juice on the counter
24. Who lost the cheese grater and thereby prevented us both from enjoying Parmesan covered pasta
25. One time I opened a new packet of IKEA straws and threw the packet away. My partner wanted them to stay in the packet.
26. She left the bathmat wet/damp on purpose because she knows I hate it. It was horrifying.
27. Leaving water glasses all over the house
28. Which setting on the dishwasher is the best one to use
29. The fact that she refuses to wring out the sponge after doing dishes
30. She puts her cup beside the sink rather than IN the sink
31. Having the tap open while washing dishes. I say the water is wasted, she says it’s worst if we close it and turn it on again.
32. If Frito Pie is an actual meal.
33. Why I can’t have steak every day for dinner.
34. Cereal. (She shouldn’t eat it. It has too much refined sugar.)
35. Filling the Brita filter
36. When clothes are dirty enough to go in the hamper
37. How many blankets should be on the bed
38. Who stole the blanket
39. If it’s too cold running the AC at 63 degrees
40. The ambient temperature we’d like to have in the apartment/whether it’s ok to leave the bathroom window open in the winter. All winter. 24/7.
41. I locked myself in the bathroom because she kept telling me I wasn’t cleaning the toilet the right way
42. Our very first fight was about how I was cleaning the electric waffle iron incorrectly.
43. I threw a waffle
44. I bought a type of shampoo I like instead of the shampoo that was on sale
45. If I was wasting money buying a sandwich instead of sandwich ingredients
46. Whether or not we’d get a landline in our future house. I ended up crying.
47. Using a towel to clean up cat pee
48. Me lying down on the bed for five minutes before I started to clean
49. My swiffering technique.
50. Whether to get a poster of David Bowie for our fictional workspace/studio
51. I didn’t want our pillows to be purple. PURPLE.
52. I told her the bathroom designed by her mother is too brown for me and I don’t want the same at home.
53. Where to put the doormat
54. Hypothetical spoons
55. I was making this giant cauldron of mashed potatoes (MY FAVORITE) and when I poured the milk in it was ROTTEN. All over my lovely potatoes.
56. She insisted on padlocking the garage door shut every time we drove somewhere
57. Closing windows loudly
58. I was sitting in the chair she wanted to sit in
59. A goddamn IKEA Förhöja kitchen island. Bloody IKEA.
60. The tone in which she asked me for help lifting a piece of IKEA furniture “up” while we we were putting it together.
61. A 30-min fight entirely in whispers on an IKEA bed display about what kind of bed to get
62. She was buying Starbucks mugs online behind my back
63. One person accidentally dyed the other’s nice white blouse pink by throwing it into a load of colored laundry
64. Why she had a stack of clothes on the dresser instead of hanging them up
65. How to change the bag in the vacuum cleaner
66. How to fold a towel correctly
67. How to properly get the toothpaste out of the tube (screw top or flip top)
68. Whether or not it was possible to paint a refrigerator hot pink
69. Whether certain items of crockery qualify as “deep plates” or “shallow bowls”
70. Whether or not a Roomba would actually vacuum cat hair
71. Whether she can call a flipper a spatula ( It’s a flipper)
72. A missing pair of shorts which she found while we were arguing
73. I stirred the pot (literally, not a euphemism here) when she had just done that.
74. She thought I was insulting her chicken by asking her to cook it well done.
75. She tried to make a custard and it failed terribly and tasted like seawater sludge
76. I want to get a bigger bed and she doesn’t!!!
77. Buying a baby pool for my adult self
78. I thought that she’d used expensive whiskey that was a souvenir to bake into a cake…
79. She wanted to adopt a cat, but we couldn’t because it was clearly stated “no pets” on our lease. She was mad at me because *I* wouldn’t let her adopt a cat.
80. Who was going to feed the pig
81. Whether or not we could keep a foster dog when only one of us was working and I was really sick and couldn’t help take care of it, plus it kept trying to eat our pet rabbit
82. The proper way to marinate filet mignon — there was yelling, things were thrown across the room, a shelf was knocked off a wall, both of us stormed out of the house. Never have we had a fight surpass the great steak marinade fight of our first year together (14 years ago). (Yes we eventually made the steak for dinner but I don’t remember who’s marinade we ended up using.)
Already nearly 3,000 people have filled out our fight club survey, which means we’re gonna have tons of interesting data for y’all. If you’re a woman of any sexual orientation dating another woman of any sexual orientation then you should definitely fill it out, it’ll be open ’til the end of the weekend.
But already so many of the answers to “what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever fought about?” are just too golden to withhold. So let’s get a preview of just how special everybody is with an intro listling: sentences ripped mercilessly out of context from the answers to our question about your stupidest fight. The gay ones.
1. She was reading Harry Potter fanfic instead of wanting to have sex with me
2. The possible growth in popularity of women’s soccer in the U.S.
3. Who the cat loves more.
4. Putting together an IKEA bed frame
5. Fucking IKEA, man. I can’t even remember why but I remember just leaving her in the middle of the store for some reason.
6. When I said that men are terrible and not worth the work of rehabilitation.
7. The tone of voice I used to ask her to go down on me
8. I asked if she wanted to watch a Hannah Hart video and didn’t listen to the answer
9. Whether or not David Bowie’s hair in Labyrinth was a wig
10. My partner wore the pasties I wanted to wear for Pride
11. The colour of our future cat (WHICH NEEDS TO BE BLACK BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY COLOUR I WEAR).
12. I showed her the film version of “Rent” and she hated it so much that we didn’t even get through “Take Me Or Leave Me.”
13. Probably Pretty Little Liars (looking at you, Heather Hogan)
14. She got jealous when I said that Ruby Rose “wasn’t ugly”
15. Who liked Melanie Martinez first.
16. Judith Frank’s novel “Crybaby Butch”
17. Whether or not “The Object of My Affection,” starring Jennifer Aniston, is “a feminist film”
18. Whether or not selfie culture upholds or demolishes the patriarchy
19. The feasibility of being Xena Warrior Princess when we grow up
20. How remembralls in Harry Potter work – and we still disagree about whether there has to be a logical, believable (but magical, obvs.) explanation for how remembralls work, or whether they just work because they work.
21. Cause of moon phases (she was right)
22. The quality of an Orca documentary
23. She felt I was too excited when Ellen Page came out. She had a point, I was fucking thrilled.
24. Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass”
25. Shonda Rhimes
26. Bernie Sanders (I’m a Hillary-enthusiast)
27. Whether or not Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” is a good song
28. Virginia Woolf, but I stand by that one.
29. Whether or not bisexuals exist. Hello, I’m bisexual!
30. Whether “introvert” is a valid and unique identification.
31. The word “dyke”
32. Why I fold polo shirts instead of hanging them
33. Whether or not pants are a gendered item of clothing
34. Who’s job it is to take the CSA box to the car
35. Whether to buy organic peanut butter or Jif
36. I dropped my veggie burger on the floor and wouldn’t let my girlfriend share hers with me because I wanted my own
37. An armpit hair. She didn’t want to let me just peek at a really long one.
38. My partner assumed that because I’m the one who carries a purse, she could always put things in it
39. Who would get to wear what costume for a group costume at DragonCon the next year
40. A random girl at a party was wearing a similar vest as my girlfriend
41. “You’re prettier than me!” “No way, you’re prettier than me!”
42. A list on Autostraddle
43. THIS SURVEY, RIGHT NOW
There’s lots of data out there about what heterosexual couples fight about, but there’s not a whole lot out there about what queer couples fight about. THAT CHANGES TODAY. We wanna know more about the role fighting, bickering and squabbling plays in your relationship — how often you fight, what you fight about, the whole she-bang.
So, if you’re a woman of any sexual orientation in a relationship with another woman-identified person of any sexual orientation and you have 10-15 minutes to tell us a little bit about your life, we promise it’ll result in some very cool articles!