The Last L Word Recap: Episode 608, “Last Word”

This L Word recap was originally published on The Road Best Straddled in 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.

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Well! Wow! So! Yeah!! That was SO AWESOME, right? I mean, I feel like … man, I just wanna dance/laugh/love forevs! I wrote y’all a goodbye letter where I get sentimental already so let’s dig in to this recap, yeah? I’m gonna try to be as positive as possible. Deep breath.

Talk about NOT ending with a bang. Really IFC, it’s one thing to weigh down your show’s sixth season with an endless parade of unnecessary melodramatic plot devices — a murder, a pregnant man, a stolen film, a botched adoption from homophobic out-of-towners, two out-of-the-blue love triangles — and quite another thing to, when the season ends, not even “use” these devices to infuse the series finale with aforementioned melodrama. Which brings me to my thesis, which is not only a thesis but is true (trust me):

Ilene Chaiken, when she “wrote” this “episode,” did not know who killed Jenny. Ilene Chaiken still does not know who killed Jenny.

Yes!

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I’m glad none of these ladies are killers, of course, that’s why I’ve disliked this storyline all along. I like[d] Jenny, and regardless she doesn’t deserve to be killed —murder is pretty serious. It seems less drastic to — I dunno — all decide to stop inviting her to things or refusing to hang out with her and if that made them lose Shane, then that’s that. I’d vote suicide but IFC insists that’s not it, so this show irks me like as a person who’s been in too many writing workshops. A story must be possible. If someone is killed, there is a killer. If you choose to conceal the killer’s identity from the reader, you should still know it yourself, otherwise the concealment is arbitrary and is no longer a proper story. “Anyone could’ve done it” is not the story, it’s a method of framing the story.

“Open-ended” means we don’t know how it’ll END, like how we don’t know how Alice will be prosecuted for this crime (good job with that!). Writers aren’t required to give you a Six Feet Under style END to the season, but they are required to know what already happened. She’s often written characters without backstory — but many television writers do that, though it’s usually better when they don’t.  But one cannot write a mystery story without presenting at least one plausible solution. Law & Order manages to do it like a bajilion times a week, IFC can’t do it ONCE? It was your idea, weirdo!

I’m down with “open-ended” and I honestly don’t need to know who killed Jenny — I don’t want to know. Vonnegut says: “Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.” I need to feel things are happening for a reason — that clues exist and things aren’t happening just to “create confusion.” After watching this episode 10 or 11 times, I should be noticing new clues, but instead I’m noticing new inconsistencies [flo laid this out in the comments for “46 [55] Reasons Recapping The L Word is driving me crazy.”]

1. The reader must have equal opportunity with the detective for solving the mystery. All clues must be plainly stated and described.
2. No willful tricks or deceptions may be placed on the reader other than those played legitimately by the criminal on the detective himself.
(S.S. Van Dine, “20 Rules for Writing Detective Stories.” 1928)

What happens when you write an entire season without you yourself knowing what’s going on? Well, it’s a parade of inconsistencies, technical errors, blatant disregards for continuity and a melodic slap in the face to everyone who’s tried against all odds to give two shits about this show. I’ve made a list of these issues, which I will reference footnote-style in the recap to avoid dwelling on nitpicks and details/going crazy as I write this. That’s what the numbers mean (100) like that. Reference the list.

In other news, I still can’t spell or write a sentence. Yay!!!! Let’s go!!!!

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Also I would’ve blown my brains out were it not for Dear Intern Lex , who came over this weekend and did the screencaps in exchange for free beer and snacks. Yay!

Luckily I’m here at new Autostraddle [if you’re reading this from The L Word Online, this is what I’m talking about], the coolest new website on the planet. Tell us what you want out of the website here — and — I beggggg of you — if you’ve enjoyed these recaps [which I’ve written 100% unpaid] for the past three years, please consider making a donation to the new autostraddle fund.

We’re currently just hoping to cover expenses without getting evicted, and we need your help to do that. Trust me it’s totally worth it! Read all about it!

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We begin in therapy the police station, where Shane [I think it’s Shane, mostly we can just see her eyeballs] is sharing all her number one feelings (2), which include: feeling “caged,” a fear of commitment, a strange burning sensation while urinating and a distaste for the royal “we” (1). Maybe she’s trying to get framed by sounding as guilty as possible (3). I mean there have been some hot JailSex scenes, yeah? E-i-E-i-O, let’s go to the farm!

Shane, aka Proust, believes “feeling is a solitary emotion.” When alone, it’d seem Shane herself cannot feel sadness and now she’s talking shit about the murder victim, her dead ex-girlfriend/ex-best-friend? [1] It’s surprising because Shane has always been patient with Jenny and is aware of her struggle with mental illness — of all the people on this show, Shane seems most likely to suggest the best way to get rid of Jenny would be where she went after Season Two. Shane’s very forgiving, in general, Molly Letter or no.

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We flash back to the video where Jenny’s saying Shenny’s gonna “make it” and then take TiBette’s place as the “supreme, beautific couple.” That’s right! Jenny’s gonna get some sperm, Shane’s gonna have (another) affair, they’ll break up, tables will be thrown, Jenny will start wondering about men again, Tim will come back, Tim will cut his toenails in front of the camera, Shane will date a famous photographer/hairdresser, Jenny and Tim will break up, Shane & Jenny will get back together, Jenny will be offered a job at the Gotham Writer’s Workshop and they’ll hippity-hop into the sunset together AND SCENE.

Carly: “Where’d she find that camera? Is it Mark’s?”
Riese: “She just found it still hanging from the wall. It’s in the set auction now I bet.”

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Alice has brought Tasha & Jamie to The Planet for a chit-chat about how they feel about each other (4). They haven’t admitted it to themselves yet, says Alice, but she can see beyond these little lies. She knows. She knows how these storylines tend to go for her. Then the waitress of doom delivers Tasha & Jamie’s last supper.

Alice knows that the dual-POTATO-order is a secret sign that they both are confused about nutrition w/r/t starchy carbohydrates and that unlike Alice who does not need food AT ALL because she is a WARRIOR, they are aliens. Yikes! That’s worse than dating a Leo. Aliens never feel that people understand them, like Max.

Lesbian Squabble #27: Apparently Also Not a Threesome

In the Ring: Alice vs. all the exes who have ever left her for someone else. Unfortunately Bette is busy in the Retcon room, Dana’s dead (RIP) and Gaby is being Papi’ed. Tasha and Jamie will accept the award on their behalf.

Content: Tasha’s like, wtf is going on/steely and silent. Alice is like, what the fuck. Jamie confesses she’s fallen in love with Tasha. Tasha doesn’t flinch. At this point, if I were Jamie, I’d feel really embarrassed AND like an asshole and probs try to make a quick escape. “OMG what’s going on outside, I think I see a gay kid on the street, gonna go rescue him with Jenny’s 25K stimulus plan, you can have my potatoes, ttyl!”

Alice: “Just be fucking truthful about your feelings, it’s obviously out of your control!”
Tasha: “I’m not gonna accept that.”
Alice: “Well you have to accept it, you can’t — all the military training in the world doesn’t help you control feelings — I’m giving you a chance here to be honest with me — just tell me.”

Carly: “OH MY GOD, they ordered the same drink. This is so heavy handed.”
Riese: “They’re soulmates, remember when Bette and Tina ordered the same Cobb salad? If I fell in love with everyone who ordered the same meal as me I’d have a lot of girlfriends.”
Alex: “Is that Thai Iced tea? That’s good, good choice.”
Carly: “I LOVE Thai Iced tea.”
Riese: “Oh my G-d me too.”
[We all go get married.]

Alice tells Tasha that they should give it a shot, go have a little romp in the hay, and if she don’t hear from Tasha by this time tomorrow, she is going to burn down the building know Tasha prefers Jamie, since one day is all anyone needs to change who they are 100%. We’ll be right here waiting for that to happen.

Tasha: “Alice you know that I live a life of honor and duty.”
Alice: “Well I don’t want you to stay with me out of a sense of duty. Don’t stay with me because it’s the right thing to do.”

Who Wins? Fanfic authors who now have a blank slate from which to address their fantasies? I think I could ask “who wins” all day and still never know who killed my soul Jenny.

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We’re back in therapy! I mean … the police station. The only person Alice really loved as much as Tasha was Dana (2). Dana Fairbanks, you know, the famous tennis player who died of breast cancer in like two hours. Sgt. Xena’s follow-up questions are related to the breaking of Alice’s heart. Maybe they think Jenny died from a rare STD carried within groups of tight friends who all have too many feelings and not enough character arc.

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Dylan’s sublet fell through but Helena feels Dylan expected Helena to invite Dylan to live in her beachside palace and she doesn’t like that (20). I mean look at that place, there’s barely enough room for a fold-out chair and a can of soup in that palacial beachside mansion. This episode might function better as an advertisement for Architectural Digest.

Dylan’s fine. She’s just gonna walk around in her hobo pants and her flip flops and chew on her corn-pipe, and Oh! Never Mind! Hello, Jenny. Hello Jenny’s skirt. Let’s make a video! Don’t let Adele see it, that bitch is bad news bears.

Alex: “See how cute Jenny is?!”
Riese: “She’s really trying and special.”
Carly: “She’s wearing a hoop skirt.”

Jenny’s got hoes in all different area codes who’ve sent in videos for the big farewell compilation (5) — this gift might make less sense than anything Jenny’s ever done besides kill that dog. Maybe it’s not really Bette & Tina’s farewell video, but Jenny’s farewell video to herself before she jumps in the pool. She rounded up all her exes for it, after all.

Carly: “What? How did she get in touch with all those people?”
Riese: “Our Chart.”
Carly: “‘It’s a place for friends.'”
Riese: “No, ‘You’re on it.’“

All Dylan & Helena have to do is just stand there in their earthen tones and make a toast — but Helena’s not into being on camera (15), surprise. Helena sounds like she’s making a toast to death. That’s good. This video, much like the episode, will help its viewers not get too sad about leaving.

Helena offers Jenny a drink and she’s like, “I think it’s a little early for a drink,” and Helena says it’s never too early for a drink. Just like me Jenny doesn’t drink before sunset.

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Max is having trouble talking with that mustache over his mouth (7), so Xena starts yelling: “Admit it, they’re assholes!” Clearly judging by the fetus in his stomach, Max is not an asshole expert.

Anyhow, Max’s generous: “It’s not that they were total snobs, it’s just that they were insular — tight,” he says. “As we’ve gotten to know each other, I realize that they’re pretty amazing people. Pretty special.” Special! Magic! Tonight is a very special episode.

Max calls them “Framily.” That’s more than friends, but less than family (40), according to Max, who we may recall is about as close with his family as he is with all those assholes. I feel sad because they were always mean to him but they’re the best he’s got. See, no one would ever kill their framily. Max is nice, I like this Max. More of this. Why ask why? Try Bud Dry.

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Ah, as the days of our lives roll on like sand through the hourglass, so the seasons roll on against the gigantic green screen behind TiBette’s new addition. Kit’s nervous about the upstairs railing not being finished. She advises Bette not to let Angie go up there. Bette’s like, “Shit, there goes the Duck-Duck-Goose on the porch playdate we had set up for later.” Tina & Bette have signed up with some adoption agencies in NYC — probs shortly you’ll see a facebook ad offering nice Jewish girls $10,000 dollars to harvest eggs for The Gays. Kit suggests that Bette takes Max’s baby, and Bette …

Kit: “He has something that you want!”
Bette: “We’re not talking about fucking used cars, Kit, and anyway [glances at Max in his sweatpants flipping burgers] I think he’s come to terms with his situation, I think he’s ready to be a father.” (8)

Agreed. Max is flippin’ burgers like he’s about to get a job at The Max or be Mr. Mom at the local BBQ. He’ll raise Mini-Max in the toolshed, it’ll be like the Christ Child in the manger, but on Logo.

“I am so ready to get out of here,” Jennifer Bette tells Pam Kit. Then Bette reveals to Kit that she can’t tell Tina about the Jenny/Kelly situation ’cause she still hasn’t told Tina that Kelly even came over. She thinks Jenny has delusionaly made something up for no reason.

Bette: “I want to go to New York because I think it would be a good move for us. However I am happy to be getting out of this little incestuous hot bed of lesbian interfucking connectedness.”

There’s a secret message in that statement wanna know what it is? InterFuckingConcetedness = IFC = Ilene Fucking Chaiken. Killed Jenny. Crime solved! NEXT.

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Kit tells the po-pos you’ll never find another group of people who love one another more. “I would put my posse up against them because they are so tight and fiercely loyal,” Kit says. Except for when they fuck each other’s girlfriends and kill each other and refer to one another as used cars. You’re dead meat, Denbo. La-la.

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Alice doesn’t understand when Shane became so “honor-bound.” (9) Shane explains:

Shane: “I…I just I feel responsible for her. It’s like I’ve been entrusted with this lost child in a way. And that I’ve been given this opportunity to be…responsible for somebody else’s feelings.”

Carly: “Shane was once entrusted with a lost child actually.”
Riese: “…and he hasn’t been mentioned in years …”

Well, Shane’s an unfit caretaker — she fucked Jenny’s ex! Sidenote: didn’t Jenny purchase Nikki for you, Shane? WHERE THE HELL IS SHE? I’d be like “Holler Concubine Nikki firstly, I need Pinkberry. Secondly, my neck hurts. Thirdly, Tinkerbell wants a vodka tonic.”

Wouldn’t it be funny if I tried to write this recap as if I thought this show was really good? Actually I don’t think I can. I don’t think Hashem approves of me going against my soul’s desire so seriously, I might never make it into JewLand which’s the amusement park good Jews go to when we die. It’s filled with pork buns and naked elbows. I believe Jenny will be there … OR WILL SHE?

Alice: “Well, it’s sick number one —”
Shane: “You don’t get it. you’re not listening. you don’t listen to me —”
Alice: “Out of all the people that you’ve been with why are you picking Jenny for this, like the girl’s not even talented, she’s not even a nice person, she’s like a fraud — you know she stole my idea —”

Shane thinks it’s Alice’s word against Jenny’s and turns down Alice’s offer to read her inspirational treatment (10 & 11). She then notes Jenny would kill herself if Shane dumped her, which is #1 on Riese’s Rules not to stay with somebody. Also I fall for it every time and have been conned into staying with people about 50 times due to suicide threats.

Shane: “If I were to walk away from this … she’ll go off the deep end.”

Carly: “The deep end … of the pool?”

Memory Moment !

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Dylan’s on the phone being suspicious. Every moment she spends in that cape is one more dead species of rainforest bird. When Dylan sees Helena, she gets off the phone immediately. I think Dylan is in the mafia. Dawn Denbo = Don Denbo. They’re all in cahoots.

Helena wants to know who Dylan was just talking to. Dylan says “nobody,” like she’s 12 and thinks that shit’s gonna fly. Maybe both of these ladies were hotter when they were power-hungry animal lesbians having a secret affair. Now one of them is whiny, and the other one is wearing my mother’s sandals.

Riese: “Of all the relationships that we’ve witnessed Ilene is picking this one for the finale?”
Alex: “Ilene just wants to make drama for no reason.”

Lesbian Squabble #28: Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous

In the Ring: Helena vs. Dylan

Content: Dylan wants to know if this is gonna end any time soon — Helena second-guessing her and not trusting her. Ah, so Dylan’s just gonna be another one of those girls who claims to understand the depth of the damage she’s done in the past but isn’t actually interested in doing the time for her crime [unlike Helena, who as we recall was in jail, did drop the soap and almost died when that woman held a knife to her throat].

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In therapy/the police station, Helena’s saying how “being rich, it’s a curse, you don’t know what it’s like never knowing if anyone really cares for you or if they’re just with you for the money.” (2) Also she just so happens to be drop dead gorgeous. Eeek, I just said dead! Jenny!

Luckily Helena chooses good partners, like a pregnant woman working for a non-profit funded by Helena’s foundation, a filmmaker making a film funded by Helena’s film company, a money-crazed gambling addict and then — again! — the filmmaker who extorted her company for millions of dollars. She likes to take risks, write that down. I want her eyeshadow, write that down.

Trust is hard for Helena, she confesses. “Even when I was with Winnie I used to just buy and sell people, expect them to serve me,” Helena says. Bow-chicka-bow! The music begins, Helena removes Xena’s jacket, straddles her and whispers in her ear, “So how much are you going for, lucky lady?”

JK! Back to the Most Interesting Relationship of All Time. No, not George and Martha Washington, NO! Not the Obamas, not LiRo, but DYYLENA!

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Back at the beach palace, there is really terrible music playing. What’s going on?

Carly: “What is this, like, Silverchair?!”
Riese: “Oh, I saw them with Blink 182!”
Alex: “Completely wrong music genre.”
Riese: “I mean — the Red Hot Chili Peppers!”

[true, I did]

Dylan’s gone renegade Outward Bound on Helena and is now lifting her sort of tenderly off the floor. As Helena dangles in Dylan’s arms at these death-defying heights, so many thoughts run through Helena’s mind — will she kill me? Will we survive? Is there more to life than love and being together? But then! Dylan takes this little trust exercise to the next level and puts Helena on stage with Regina George lays her down on the counter and holds a knife to her neck (12).

Lesbian “Sexy” Moment #11: I Feel the Knife [Not] Going In

The Players: Helena and Dylan.
The Pick Up: Right off the floor! Hey-o!
Hot or Not: I don’t know.

Riese: “At least she’s taking that thing off, that’s the only good part of this sex scene.”
Carly: “That backless cape she’s wearing.”

Carly: “This is like some crazy 90s Angelina Jolie movie shit.”
Alex: “As if Helena wasn’t terrified enough.”

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“The reason why I was such a bitch when we first met, it was because my mother had spoken of you with such admiration, you know, that you were the daughter I could never be, the woman I’d always have to measure up against”

– Helena’s confession on the tape. (15)  [interesting character development nonetheless — interesting …]

“I miss you so much. I’ll never forget the first time I saw you at CU. It was a lecture and you were one of the panelists. You looked so hot in your power suit.”

–Phyllis (ha!)

“I’m gonna miss double-billing you ladies. My business is really gonna take a hit.”

– Joyce

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Lesbian Sexy Moment #12: To Let This Love Survive Would Be the Greatest Gift That We Could Give

The Players: Bette and Tina
The Pick Up: Hm. “Once more for the road”!

It’d appear that Tina has dropped a glass bottle on the bed and now, while Tina remains naked with her legs open around the glass to ensure she doesn’t accidentally step on some, Bette is sweeping up the broken glass. But WAIT A MINUTE. No I think they’re doing it.

After Tina comes, her first thought is “we really need to fix that railing.” Aw.

AND IN THAT MOMENT everything could’ve CHANGED for Jenny! We could’ve saved her life, if only Bette hadn’t been so distracted by the taste of a woman’s labia and had heard Tina’s warning cries regarding the railing. And then — when asked to repeat herself, Tina changes the topic and says instead — “Oh my G-d, that was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had and I think you deserve more of the same.” DUM DUM DUM!

Then Sadè begins playing which is lovely. It’s a sweet montage. It made me think of Queer as Folk.

Bette just wants Tina to kiss her and cuddle naked like real lesbians. Bette wants to get married when they move to New York. Uh-oh danger Will Rogers, that shit isn’t allowed here and it’s sooo expensive to get a space. Anyway we will be there, we will recap Bette & Tina’s wedding, it’ll be The L Word movie, Angie would make a lovely flower girl.

Riese: “Are they just hugging now?”
Carly: “They’re embracing, that’s what you’re supposed to do, you’re supposed to EMBRACE in different positions. Didn’t you get the lesbian handbook?”

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The next morning Shane’s strolling by Casa TiBette, where the two ladies are sitting on the porch looking radiant and lovely. I could point out that this is supposed to go full circle to the pilot, but I’d be the 500th person to point this out — obvs we L Word writers are straw-grabbing experts at this point. There aren’t many straws left by this time of the week. But let me just say that these two women are very beautiful. I’m glad for them ending up together, still, that warms my heartstrings.

Aw. They look like straight out of JCrew. Lesbians are weirdos. It took me so long as a person (yes, I’m talking about myself) – to not be afraid of women — to not be afraid to need them, to be close to them, to associate too strongly with them. Men somehow seemed safer, I guess, despite all evidence to the contrary, like boyfriends unlike women were things to be counted upon, things you could get on lockdown, a guaranteed ride when your car gets towed.

And … I didn’t really see any other models of ways to live. Most stories include love stories. And all the stories I saw on teevee and in the movies — even the stories I read, as an adult — suggested heterosexual romantic relationships were the only ones worth fighting for and about. Girlfriends were a prelude to men, not a compliment to or substitute for men or something else altogether — something that did not exist strictly via its relationship to men. Where were our stories of women alone?  Sex and the City and then The L Word did something really sweet when they showed us another way to live, and for that I’ll always be grateful. [SATC the movie is another story, I realize this.] This show said women’s stories are enough, they are everything, and that’s revolutionary.

Bette wants to know why Jenny is doing shit in Shane’s studio and suggests Jenny just gave Shane the studio so she could take it away, like a little puppy who gives you his toy and then’s like, JK, gimme back my toy.

“I understand where you’re coming from, I really do, but I’d like to think she’s not that calculating,” Shane says. Shane says “I really do” a lot.  Bette responds: “I think her heart’s in the right place, I think she’s just misplaced her meds.”  EUREKA!!!! Okay, someone call the doctor, let’s get on this shit. I have been waiting seven years for this moment — oh — sorry. Back to Foxworthy’s Police Station o’ Feelings.

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Tina describes Kelly as Bette’s business partner “a vacant bombshell.” (2)  “Bombshell” must be the new lesbian slang word for “scary plastic lady with grasshopper eyes.” She goes on to say that Kelly is a real “predator type.” (2) That detective, who looks straight out of the Community Theater’s local production of Grease, writes that shit down. Or maybe he’s writing down what we’re about to say …

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… when we return to Helena’s man-in-the-mirror suite, where she is gazing down upon the kingdom — namely upon Dylan. Then music begins to play. You know what kind of music I’m talking about. Get your polka shoes on and prepare to drop-kick BETTY in the face. I mean she’s a very nice lady, that’s what the Showtime producer told me today when we were filming Lezberado and I said something mean about Betty. That particular statement, along with 75% of what I said during filming, will not be in the final cut I am guessing.

Riese: “Oh my god … you know what this sounds like …”
Carly: “BETTY! I would recognize those harmonies anywhere.”
Alex: “I’m glad you said ‘harmonies’.”

Helena sees Dylan get in her car. Where is she going? Truck Stop? Pinkberry?

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Alice & Shane are discussing Alice and how Alice thinks that Jamie and Tasha are making sweet sweet love, which is hilarious, but it’s also not a threesome. Nevertheless, Alice is theorizing what could be happening in this little sexual session. It’s funny!

Alice: “Oh my god, I can’t believe my nipples get hard when you lick them mine get hard when you lick mine! You know eventually they should just stop having sex because they are so the same, they could just masturbate and it would be the same thing.”

Shane says — Alice, let’s go to lunch. I’ll purge this cereal, I’ll pick you up, and everything’ll be fine. Her reactions to Alice’s paranoia are delightful.

Unfortunately Jenny is not fine, she’s done lost her mind and is talking crazy about needing Final Cut when obvs she already had it, she was using it earlier to edit the Joyce & Phyllis footage (13). Shane says she’s got it, she’s gonna go to FedEx and the Apple Store and Nikki’s breasts and pick up some crystal meth and then she’ll BRB. This pleases Jenny who kisses Sounder on the head and says “See Sounder, she understands me.” Aw. Jenny and Sounder! Are so cute.

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Not only did Kit and Sunset apparently make up from their fight and then fall in love (16), but they then proceeded to go to the zoo with Angelica and have an allegedly good time. A VERY good time in fact. Fishy? I thought so. Baby lions? What the hell is a baby lion. Kit says her man has gotta go to work. Seriously this woman has had the most random boyfriends of any woman ever on television. Obvs Papi was my fave boyfriend.

Bette does not want a man in her bathroom, she wants him to go to the powder room. Look I’m not like a raised-on-AIM generation person or anything, but powder room? C’mon Mrs. Potts let’s get real. Bette follows this up with, “there are facets of man-ness that just make me queasy, that’s all.” (17) What the hell has happened to Bette’s personality?

Alex: “WHAT THE FUCK? Bette has never said bullshit like this before.”
Riese: “They’ve done the impossible.”

Kit asks James how he can stand Bette and he says he always urinates in the powder room. I bet he does with that purple shirt. Oh James, you never lost your dignity, you always remained honest. And surprising that after all this time, they never wrote you a love story with Kit Porter. Though as I’ve said, Kit is totally queer even if she is technically straight.

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Here comes Shane to save the day! She has Chinese food and love and Final Cut, which P.S. costs like $1,200 dollars. I am still v.confused about what happened to the concubine Nikki and why she isn’t running these errands.

Jenny: “Wow, I don’t know what I’d do without you. ”
Shane: “Oh you’d manage, I’m sure.”
Jenny: “No I wouldn’t, I’d probably kill myself … I’m gonna leave everything to you. You’re my family.”

Jenny asks if she wants to see a video of Carmen dancing. (18) Shane, clearly not looking to kill herself today — what with that great inheritance coming her way and everything — says no. Surely like the Joss Stone song so bravely sang forth: “You had me, you lost me,” etc etc etc. I want to see a video of Carmen dancing, does anyone care about what I want? Hahaha. JK! Look at this stupid graphic I made for a Season Three recap ten eons ago:

Shane doesn’t want the video to be from “us,” she wants it to be just from Jenny. She’s gonna go to Sharper Image and get me a massage chair, and then go to Carlton Cards and pick up a scented candle for the happy couple.

Riese: “I think that’s the point of using a “we” — so you can get out of buying a gift.”
Carly: “Yeah, that and when you want to leave, like ‘she has a thing, so WE need to leave.'”

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Is James coming to New York? No, he’s not because Bette isn’t sure what kind of job she’s gonna have out there. (19) Kelly is not gonna be excited about that, I thought Bette was sticking with the gallery but just doing it from NYC. You know what they always say, shake it don’t fake it. There’s a dance that goes with it, uh-huh. Wiggle it. Just a little bit.

“I sort of like the idea of Tina supporting me and me looking after the children,” Bette says. Everyone thinks it’s hilarious. And then Angelica calls Sunset “Daddy,” which is funny.

Bette’s personality transformation — wanting to stay home now — kinda makes sense to me. After a while, a person gets tired. After a while, everything becomes too much and sweet things like children and love take priority. It shows some new growth & depth for Bette, and I like that.

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Alice is on the phone with Helena, picking her toenails and being funny about all the things that Jamie and Tasha have in common: “Ohhh I like orgasms toooo.” This is cute conversation, let’s get dressed and go out and get married and have a happy happy ending! Or let’s lie on the bed and pick our feet. Let’s play head shoulders knees and toes!

AND!

!!!!! Head Shoulders Knees and Toes Knees and Toes

Alice happens to mention that Helena’s at Jenny’s studio and she assumes Dylan is helping Jenny edit. Hm, unless there’s some animation and scrolling text and transitions and color correction happening in the clips we don’t see — or even a musical track or some kind of specific cinematic technique — Jenny could’ve made this tribute video with two VCRs and some A/V in-out cords. Well, she is special, I hear. Can see inner desires and etc.

Helena thinks this is suspicious as well, just like we do, so she’s gonna go get to the bottom of this. She’s gonna strap on her strappings and bloody ‘ell rawr!

---

Dylan is at the studio (14) — begging Jenny to lie for her. “You lied to me,” Jenny says. “You promised you’d come clean and you haven’t.” Dylan’s excuse is that Helena has trust issues and she had no choice (Dylan’s fault) so anyway …

Lesbian Squabble #29 – I Hold My Cards Up Close to My Chest I Say What I Have to and I Hold Back the Rest

In the Ring: Dylan vs. Helena vs. Jenny

Content: Dylan’s being a jerk. She clearly ain’t too proud to beg and this time she’s gonna beg Jenny to not tell Helena that Dylan already knew it was a set-up. Dylan already knew it was a set up?  This whole situation has turned my headskull into pudding. (20)

It’s your fault Jenny, says Dylan, you’re a shitty actress and if you’d done better I wouldn’t have had to call you and ask you about it. (?!!!?)

Obvs Dylan was just using the “you tested me?” thing as an excuse to ditch that lame baby shower. C’mon, there was a theme, and a breast pump, and people singing strange songs.

Anyhow Helena (tipped off by Alice) is on her way …

Jenny: “Just tell her the truth! It’s better that way — and then you’re all even.”
Dylan: “She’s not going to think that we’re even when she finds out that before I went into Hit that Nikki Stevens was a set up! She’s going to think I’m–”
[enter Helena]
Helena: “You’re a liar, a con-artist! None of this bodes well for a relationship that should be based on trust!”
[as opposed to relationships based on dishonesty and bicycling]

Jenny: “Helena wait, before you get really upset now that everything’s out in the open you —”
Helena: “You knew all along that Nikki Stevens wasn’t interested in you directing her movie?”
Jenny: “It was a bad idea, it was so unethical and I never should have been involved in any of this —”
Helena: “… and when you stood firm and rejected the pass that she made at you, that was just an act?
Dylan: “No that was not just an act –”
Helena: “And when she spilled the beans at Max’s baby shower she wasn’t really spilling anything — Jesus, Dylan, that was such a good performance you’ve been on the wrong side of the camera.”
Jenny: “WAIT HELENA! That is not her fault, that is my fault…”
Helena: “Fuck you Schecter, you have interfered in my life enough now!”

Dylan says she had no choice, because she wanted Helena to be with her. Right-o. Helena says that no, now, thanks to Jenny Fucking Schecter, she can’t trust Dylan. (21) Hello scapegoat! Dylan chose to run out the door and pretend shocked & appalled, which is firstly really strange, and secondly weirdly manipulative, and thirdly this whole situation ranks about 5,436th on the list of “things I would like to see resolved/played out before this show ends.”

---

Shane’s at the expensive modern art store, looking for something portable and easy to pack — but also functional and necessary — for Bette & Tina. Ah ha! A large ceramic bowl! Perfect! (22) Hey-o! Speaking of perfect … look who’s here! It’s Molly! Ob-li-di-ob-la DA! Hellooooo Nurse. Molly and Shane explain some sweet little small talk and Shane looks happy to see her. Molly’s being cute and nervous.

Molly says she heard about Shane and Jenny, and she was surprised.

Molly: “She seemed so upset that night that she told me about you and Nikki — To think of you guys together is kind of — where’d that come from. you know?”
Shane: “Wait, what night?” What night?”
Molly: “The night that I dropped off your jacket?  Anyway, yeah, I just — I had this stupid idea after I heard about what my Mom did that maybe you were just being selfless and you just thought maybe because of the challenge my Mom put to you — which was completely ridiculous and um, I thought that you know you were just trying to protect me because you knew you would screw around on me but I guess you already were screwing around on me and I wrote the letter because I wanted to say um —”
Shane: “I’m sorry, uh wait — uh — what letter are you talking about?”
Molly: “The letter it’s in the pocket of the jacket that I gave to Jenny to give to you, but it doesn’t matter,I mean,  I’m really okay, and you don’t owe me — you don’t owe me anything at all, really so um — I fell for you — like a million other girls, and I fell apart like a million other girls but really, you know, I didn’t die, and I’m here, and I’m okay. I wish you and Jenny the best. Really.”

G-d, it’s so hard to run into sane, kind, patient exes when you’re in a relationship with a crazy person that you think you may never get out of. It’s like stepping into a different dimension.

Shane stands with her bowl, dumbfounded. She’s probs wishing she had another kind of bowl handy. You know, the kind you can smoke out of when shit makes no sense. Like this is weird, but just think about how weird it would be on weed.

---

“It’s my fourth of the day, I started at 11,” Alice says sipping her cocktail. “You go girl,” says Helena. “Here’s to you Alice.” Alice says Tasha hasn’t called and asks where Dylan is. Come on, Queen Elizabeth, no-one on this show is allowed to end happy. Except Bette & Tina, kinda, but I think that’s just ’cause if Ilene made TiBetters unhappy, she might seriously need Obama-style bodyguards every time she dared to leave the house.

Max: “What did Jenny do?”
Helena: “Whatever. It doesn’t really matter.”

Truer words, Helena, were never spoken. QUOTE OF THE WEEK. “Whatever, it doesn’t really matter.” It doesn’t, does it? It’s all water under the bridge and in Jenny’s lungs by now, yeah? “Maybe Shane threw a bucket of water on her and she melted,” Max says. Alice laughs and compliments Max for saying something mean for once ’cause he never says mean things.

You know — this “getting trashed ’cause our heart hurts” thing that Alice, Shane, Helena and Dana have been known to do is a joke they’ve used a hundred times … and it’s sold me each and every time. I love it!

Much like tripping over something and falling, being drunk when you’re depressed/angry is always funny. I learned that thing about the falling from Carlytron. Anyhow now the alcohol has gone to Alice’s head and she’s gonna make up with Jenny … for Shane’s sake. Bette toasts to that. Let’s all be Jenny’s friend! She’s the new Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Carly: “They’re playing like bossa nova polka music.”
Riese: “I bet this loop is on garage band.”

---

Now we have Max giving us a memorable moment! “She really saw me for who I am, and she helped me accept it … it was the most important thing that ever happened to me. I never knew someone who could see someone’s inner desires and thoughts quite like Jenny …” Aw. See, that’s true. Who is Jenny? Who is Max? Who is Little Tink? Who is your Mom? Where is your child right now? Doing drugs.

Ah yes … these inner desires and thoughts …

---

Jenny’s looking around the mansion — “this is very fancy!” — when Pam says she’s got some beef with Jenny, that she needs to drop this thing about Bette and Kelly. But she can’t, Jenny says! Then who will kill her?

Jenny tells Kit:  “I don’t wanna be involved in this, I can see that I’m making everybody uncomfortable, I can see that my friends don’t wanna be around me anymore, that they want me to shut the fuck up and go away. I just wanna do the right thing.” And as Jenny sits there in her sparkly dress with her watery eyes and little tights and big-ass bag of who-knows-what … it gets really sad in my heart that Jenny’s gonna die or get killed. I’m totally, totally against killing.

Kit: “Do you have proof?”
Jenny: “I’m not a liar!”
Kit: “You don’t have proof.”
Jenny: “I don’t want to show you.”
Kit: “If you have proof, I want you to show me.”

So Jenny shows Kit the “video” (23) of Kelly & Bette. Kit — who, let’s recall, couldn’t discern Sunset’s true identity sans makeup and pearls — sees said video, apparently believes this is proof, looks disturbed. (24a)

Carly: “You guys can’t take video on an iphone.” (24b)

---

Bette says that Jenny is “complex, talented, self-destructive, sometimes very generous, but complicated, complex.” If you missed it, never fear, she’ll be saying it again in about two minutes. Doesn’t Bette look fabulous?

---

Oh now Shane is ready to clutter cleanse or whatnot. Out with the IKEA boxes! Let’s sell this shit! Out with old memories and old relationships! Hell, out with current relationships!

Carly: “This music leads me to believe that she’s close to finding it.”

In addition to a vintage Some of her Parts movie poster and Ilene Chaiken’s career, there are some suspect old items of clothing collecting dust in the attic possibly belonging to a prior owner — TIM I AM LOOKING AT YOU!

Riese: “Where’d that Cosby sweater come from?”
Carly: “Why has no one worn that yet — or the Snuggie that’s behind it?”

Shane finds the jacket and the letter quickly and sits down to read it.  It’s hard to tell what’s going on in Shane’s head. Probably “this letter is better written than this scene.” And after completing the reading of this letter, she discovers the negative! Strike up the band! I wanna see the girl-gets-the-boy in the end movie!  Obviously Adele put it there, or Weezieswhatzit. Or your Mom, or a duck, or a squirrel, or a puppet, or a muppet, or Rose Troche, you never know! It’s OPEN ENDED!! wheeeeeeeeeee!!!! Although if Jenny is based on Ilene’s younger days, maybe someone was doing her a favor by hiding this thing in the attic.

Carly: “Maybe there’ll be a big notebook up there titled ‘Alice’s Ideas.'”
Riese: “Helena’s relationship.”
Carly: “Videos of Kelly and Bette.”

Why did Jenny steal the negative? DID SHE? (25) Maybe we’ll get the answers in the police station, where Tina is explaining that everyone pronounced Lez Girls differently. Ah HA! case closed. What.

---

Bette’s gonna show everyone the master bedroom. They did spend a lot of money on a renovation just to end the show. The spin-off should be in this house, it can be a Sober Living Facility like they talk about on Intervention. If it’s defo gonna be about criminals. “Be careful you guys because the contractor bailed out on us and she didn’t fix the railing,” Tina says. Did you get that? About the railing. Watch out. I hear it’s UNFINISHED.

“I could spend my life in here,” says Alice in the brand new fancy shower like the goofball that she is.

Well, Al. Don’t drop the soap …

---

“Alice has one of the biggest hearts of anybody I know,” Tasha tells the po-pos. “She takes risks.” Like how she let Tasha sleep with Jamie. Did Tasha sleep with Jamie? I’m gonna make up that story in my own head — no. Happy ending! Not THAT kind of happy ending, weirdos. Obviously Tasha would never betray Alice like that.

“Risks?” They ask. LIKE DOES SHE TAKE THE RISK OF KILLING PEOPLE? DOES SHE?

The girls comment that it’s too bad they can’t enjoy this place while they have it. Bette says they’ve already enjoyed this place … wink wink. The most awesome part of this scene is that Alice is still standing in the shower, drinkin’ her drink.

---

ART THERAPY TIME!

---

Okay you guys don’t go to the railing. Warning 5,000. Kit confronts Bette about Kelly and says Jenny has proof and she saw it, and it’s sad that Kit doesn’t trust Bette either, and that Jenny has caused this mayhem by telling everyone about Bette & Kelly and I don’t know, my head spins.

Bette says “that’s not possible.” Well Jenny did learn Final Cut in one day and write a screenplay in three days so perhaps much like Bette’s rapid sign-language-learning skills, Jenny has not only created a stunning video, but almost in her own special way, made it real.

I wish suddenly this show would go sci-fi. I want everyone to turn into a Klingon and then there’d be a big laser-battle for the Gauntlet. Obvs Shane would win, look at the biceps on that hunk of burning love. No, JK, Adele would win, ’cause she’s a liar. Anyhow clearly it was Marine Jahan in that video with Kelly. Ilene don’t play me for a fool. I wasn’t born yesterday. If I had been, I wouldn’t have watched this show, ’cause this show sucked yesterday, just like it be sucking today, I was born in 1981, so I saw this show at the start and it was okay. Where was I? Ah yes. Dancing like I’d never danced before.

---

Nikki wants to know if she gets a lawyer. Of course you COULD have a lawyer, Xena says, but the other girls don’t need one ’cause they’re all so fiercely loyal and would never say anything to hurt the other. “They’re very very close and boy, they are looking out for one another.” (44 and 51)

Okay so let’s review:
1. The railing is not finished.
2. All of the characters on the show are fiercely loyal to one another.
3. It’s sweater weather.

---

Jenny wants everyone to go to the media room to watch the video and Helena & Alice turn around in their swirly chair like two drunk monkeys in a palace of fun. Jenny says the video’s three hours long (26) so they should probs get started watching it. Three hours? Well, I bet Angus had a lot of memories to share. Wherever he is. That nanny fucking motherfucker.

Alex: “I want everyone to go batshit crazy! I want Bette to be like ‘Arrrhhhhh! You’re dead Schecter!’ and push her off the ledge!”
Riese: “BLOODBATH.”
Carly: “I’m so freaked out by everything that’s happening right now.”

---

Shane takes Tina to the attic to show her the negative. Tina is so outraged that she — um — acts outraged? (29) She even goes back to the house and says she’s gonna put Jenny Schecter out of her fucking misery. But somehow this desire rises up inside her before the desire to tell Bette what happened.

---

Jenny is walking around looking for Bette and can’t find her and then Bette emerges … dum dummmmm …

Lesbian Squabble  #30: Redrum

In the Ring: Jenny vs. Bette

Content: Somewhere between this scene and the Glamour Shots runway ending, those of us who’d seen early spoiler videos assumed a key moment was missing — it was not.

Bette: “My family, and the life I’ve worked so hard to rebuild, means everything to me. And there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to preserve and protect them.”
Jenny: ” I would never do anything to hurt your family, Bette. I love you, I love Tina.”
Bette: “Well I’m glad to hear that. Because you know what I don’t really care —”
Jenny: “Okay.”
Bette: “—if you think that I fucked Kelly. All that I really care about is that you know that I will not abide anyone who threatens my family.”

Midway through Season Four I had to stop counting “Lesbian Foreplay Moments” and “Lesbian Sex Moments” separately and instead combine the two for “Lesbian Sexy Moments” ’cause it became clear that no one was ever gonna fuck. This season, in it’s final episode, I think I have to do away with who wins, because the answer is abundantly unclear. And that, my friends, is the end of Jenny. Bette didn’t kill her, ’cause um no-one did, who knows wtf whatevs — let’s leave that open ended. But we never see her again. Well, until we get to heaven (that’s later).

Mourners Kaddish, anyone? Or we could just say the blessing over the wine and bread, I think that’s what Jenny improv’ed in season two.

---

They show the same clip of Bette in the police room again, then we return to the porch, where Shane & Alice are sitting on the dock of the bay, watching their show roll away.

Alice is gonna make peace with Jenny — otherwise she’ll be all alone without any friends, and Shane’s gonna be with Jenny, so. Shane lets Alice know it’s no longer an issue — Jenny has committed suicide and is currently collecting seaweed at the bottom of the pool for her underwater palace in heaven. There’ll be synchronized swimmers in glittery swimcaps and lots of splashie water. I mean they are not together anymore.

Alice: “I thought you said you couldn’t break up with her.”
Shane: “That was then.”

Shane’s still protecting Jenny, in a way. She’s not trash-talking or even spilling what Jenny did. She’s just saying — we’re not together. That’s sweet. Not as sweet as DEATH or lollipops, but sweet.

---

Back at HQ, Alice wants to know what these questions have to do with who killed Jenny. I can’t even get into this scene. “So you’re saying someone killed Jenny?” Xena asks. Then Alice looks around and is like “Oh, I thought we were in a police station ’cause there was a crime committed, right? Where are we? Old Country Buffet? Let’s dance pump up the Lady GaGa!”

Carly: “They should interrogate US, we have LOTS OF QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.”

---

Tina has a sweater. Bette wants to tell Tina something. Tina wants to tell Bette something. Max wants to tell them something. Everyone wants a sweater. Everyone has things to tell. Max felt a kick.

Bette touches the baby, she’s trying to feel if it’s cute enough to be in family photos with Angelica. Honestly though a Tom-Max baby would probs be pretty fucking hot. I hope it gets Daniela’s eyes. When they aren’t bloodshot. From smoking. The weed she has to smoke to survive this show. BWAH! Big reveal! JK. I wanna interview her for Autostraddle.

---

Sounder did it, Sounder did it. La la la. Where’s the blood? Where’s the body?

---

I’m stealing this screencap from Dorothy Surrenders because The L Word finale was so bad, it sucked out my soul and zapped me of the energy to re-create its glory myself:

Jenny has assembled a plethora of characters to say goodbye to Bette & Tina– I guess ’cause they didn’t have time to do it when they left the show? (27-28) Tim jokes that they got him away from that nutcase Jenny. Carmen says they deserve wonderful things in the world, and I say it was brave of Jenny to include Carmen knowing Shane still holds a torch (who wouldn’t, you know?).

“It’s a parade of ALL my exes,” Kit notes. That parade would be kickass, I hope Ivan would be the grand marshall and TOE could be Charlie Brown.

Max thinks we should pause this three-hour masterpiece [it’s like HAMLET!] (35) and snag Jenny, ’cause he’s sure she wants to see everyone’s reactions, but she’s probs upstairs watching PuppyCam. Alice volunteers to go get her, ’cause they’re gonna be friends now. That’s exactly what Alice needs, another dead friend.

Kit’s on the teevee screen saying how they’ll always be in our hearts, and they’ll never forget us [sic], and maybe for one moment your heart swells and you think, me too, I’ll never forget you either, you silly cardboard people who changed my life, and then Alice comes in and if for one moment you can imagine she’s just sad that the show’s over, maybe your eyes might water a little. And then the Trail of Tears [Season Three] comes full circle … and dries right up.

Alice returns, upset: “You guys, the pool is filled with water lilies, it totally WAS Jenny’s idea!” And everyone’s like “I shot the sheriff,” and Max is like “But I didn’t shoot the deputy,” and then they’re all like UH HUH … HER? I mean Alice says — it’s Jenny, you guys, and Alice looks really upset, and it’s sad for like a second, I feel sad. But then everyone else stops feeling sad or even weird, so I just feel confused.

POOL NOISE! You hear a splash — I think that’s Shane going in. I THINK. I mean … I’ll never know. (36) And you hear Jenny’s voice on the video: “Bye Bette and Tina. I love you guys.” At this point, there’s only one theory besides “no-one” that I’m prepared to buy —

She killed herself. This video wasn’t for Bette & Tina, it was for Jenny.  Dmm dumm dummm.

---

Here we are, back where we started from. What’s changed? Nothing. Well, Nikki’s in the bushes, Sounder found her (30). They’re gonna bring her into the room after they wheel the dead body back in and outta there for good  measure. Everyone pay your final respects, weirdos! Here’s another memory of how things have changed:

---

The girls are now in the living room, where we last left them at the start of Season Six. (40-44) All the questions we had then — did Shane try to save Jenny? Did Bette? Did Jenny drown or jump or what? Injuries? Why is no-one upset? All these questions that albeit we never wanted to ask in the first place (as “Who Killed Jenny?” was an unnecessary subplot, we would’ve been perfectly happy to see eight episodes of girls dancing, loving, laughing, fucking, thinking and dreaming sans murder mystery) but asked nonetheless because we were made to — not answered. I was even prepared to cry a little bit when Shane jumped in the pool to save Jenny!

---

Alice says they don’t know what went on out there (33-36), and Helena volunteers that they all go down to the station (33-36). You know who else I suspect doesn’t know what went on out there? Ilene Chaiken. When the cops bring Nikki in, Shane asks what she’s doing there — she said she came to rescue Shane from Jenny’s box! Telepathically, from the bushes, Rapunzel, let down your hipster hair!

If Nikki’s such a big star that she can’t go on the Pink Ride without attracting attention, I’m not entirely sure how she made it into the bushes and consequently into the police station without so much as a DListed blind item (31) (56).

“Nikki SHUT UP!” Shane yells. That’s how their relationship is. Nikki says stuff, Shane tells her to shut up. Nikki’ll have plenty of time later to incriminate herself during Coptalk Therapy. Hm. I can see Shane’s nipple.

This part made my heart feel happy, and also made my eyes water, when Tasha comes in and tells Alice she’s still here. Yay!

Kit says they’ll “co-operate” with the police, which is kind, considering they don’t have a choice. There’s a Dead Horse in the middle of the room, it’s “we’re all bffs who will stick together no matter what.” Huh. I wonder if we’re supposed to hate Jenny enough to think it’s sweet that now they can all have this togetherness without her interference, but I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that murder is ever a good thing, unless it’s like, Hitler. Especially when the character is a woman who’s survived rape and sexual abuse, has been institutionalized for six months and clearly is more ill than evil, but I’ve been told I mention that shit too much and should stop.

---

Girl, Interrupted:

“You guys changed my life. Wow, you really did. So thank you. For everything. That’s it.”

–Jenny gets the last word

---

The girls all pull into the parking lot of the police station (49 and 50), serene music begins to play ..

And then the walkway begins … which I actually sort of admit that I liked. Because at least everyone got to be back together one more time; and smiling ..

Alex: “I feel like I’m on drugs.”
Carly: “This is like glamour shots.”
Riese: “I think they’re all in heaven, I think this is supposed to be heaven.”
Carly: “Uh-uh … that ain’t my heaven.”

“Yeah I remember you … I love you!”

“Hiiii!”

“The show’s almost done, baby. You can go save the world now.”

Oh! Look Who’s Here!

And right up to the final minute … J-Beals is still doing her darndest to sell it. Bless her heart. For real.

---

The Round Up

Lesbian Squabbles: 3 this ep, 30 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 2 this ep, 12 all season
Quote of the Week: Helena
On a Scale of 1 to 10: donate

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Well, kids, that coulda been better. Let’s move on to bigger and better things … ’cause this isn’t the end. After all, no one’s really told our stories yet.

“Two or three things I know, two or three things I know for sure,
and one of them is that to go on living I have to tell stories,
that stories are the one sure way I know to touch the heart, and change the world.”
–Dorothy Allison.

The L Word Episode 608 “The Last Word” Pre-cap Podcast

The L Word 608 Recap will drop soon. In the meantime in between time, catch our immediate reactions in our little 15-minute podcast starring Riese, Alex and Carlytron. We have a LOT of feelings about it, obvs. Who killed Jenny? You’ll have to listen and find out:

Episode 608 Pre-cap Podcast

The L Word Episode 607 Recap: Last Couple Standing

This L Word recap was originally published on The Road Best Straddled in 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.

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When in doubt, dance. Dance, I say! Dance! Dance all over the stage, change your clothes, tear up the floor, waltz and tango and skip and mambo your smokin’ hot bod down to the village square, hook up with the Pied Piper of WeHo and dance your way out of regularly scheduled programming into the idea well of death. Welcome to the recap of Episode 607 of “The L Word,” entitled “Last Couple Standing.”

When dialogue is lacking and characters are whacking, the best bet for L Word characters is:

1. Get naked, have sex.
2. Put on costumes, start dancing.
3. Push it … push it good.

4. Push it real good.

---

A little warning — this recap is… mediocre, and… I don’t know why. But it took forever! Like four days nonstop!

This recap would not even be possible were it not for the amazing assistance of Intern Vashti, who did all the screencaps for me (I didn’t get the disc in time), and I think you’ll agree that these are probably the best screencaps I’ve ever had. She did well with my detailed list of what shots I wanted, for example:

– Any shots of Kit’s amazing outfit that show the full amazingness of it
– As many shots you can get of Push It as long as there’s a good one of Tasha’s butt and of their butts in the air, solid gold
– Dylena with that bitch in the background w/belly hanging out talking bla bla
– Shot of the bus ’cause apparently we’re supposed to look at the bus for 10 minutes

I also must re-thank the ladies at Tibette.com, who hooked me up with a first cut of the episode, enabling me to get a head start on the recap before it aired ’cause I didn’t get the 607 DVD from Showtime ’til today. And I also must thank Jeeeesus and Green, who per my request made me the most amazing animated gif of all time [above]. Shoop.

If any of you reading this are seeking temporary “internship” opportunities this week/weekend and you live in the NYC metro area, I’m panicking slightly that next week’s recap will also take forever and therefore I need someone to come over and make screencaps with my DVD on their computer while I do work on my computer. I will pay you in: blow jobs, pickles, buttons baby, and the golden opportunity to see 608 before all the other kids do. Comment. This is limited only to people who can physically be here. If you turn out to be psycho, I will give you rabies and throw you in the Hudson River.

Today’s viewing party: Robin, Carly, Riese, A;ex, Esmerelda Fitzmonster (with occasional appearances by Natalie).

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Also. Sorry the intro is so long. On Sunday we’ll be live-blogging/tweeting/chatting [TBA] the Finale Event from New Autostraddle 1.0 — a venture which you’ll hear more about next week. The URL is www.autostraddle.com and although right now that just redirects here, pretty soon it won’t, and … um … it’s kinda awesome, like … yeah. Just be excited, add it to your bookmarks toolbar RIGHTNOW, and be prepared for change. You know, change? That thing Ilene doesn’t want Shane to ever do?

I thought Jenny was gonna die in Episode 607. When I first saw her hair & makeup I thought: “A-HA! That is Ghost Jenny if I ever saw her…” (wtf hair&makeup?)

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Ghost Dana is clearly on her way, and everyone will dance! Like this:

Unfortunately that’s not the case. That’s fine, now I’ve got seven more days to exist within my personal fantasy world where Jenny doesn’t actually die but rather wakes up and declares “it was all just a dream!” Jenny is immortal, as I’ve said.

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Hello and welcome to the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center Children, Youth & Family Services 2009 “Dancing Through the Decades” Dance Marathon, sponsored by OurChart. Aw. I bet that was a fun do-over in the editing room. Alice warns Bette that she’s going down like Charlie Brown tonight ’cause The Three Dykeateers are gonna three-peat this whole enchilada — best dance, last couple standing, money raised. Bette won’t say a word about what she and Tina have up their designer sleeves. As this scene happened I started remembering how Bette left Alice for Tina. And then Dana left Alice for Lara and now. Sigh.

Bette and Alice are cutely overly competitive. I think it’s awesome that TLW is giving some extra visibility to the L.A. GLC, hopefully this’ll encourage a lot of lesbos to give those people all their money. Any way you roll the dice or feel about this episode or this show, that’s really cool, eternal A+ for social responsibility.

Who’s gonna kill Jenny this episode? Talice & Jamie’s dance routine!

Alice: “Our Dance Routine kills! KILLS!”

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As Alice returns to her playpalace, Bette calls out — “Alice, look at what you’ve done” and gestures elegantly around the room. It’s a sweet supportive moment between friends which is quickly ruined by the angel of death, who’s ready to tattle.

Hey-o! What happened to THIS Jenny?

Episode 203 – Loneliest Number

Bette: “How were you when your life fell apart?”
Jenny: “A mess.”
Bette: “That’s it. That’s me.”
Jenny: “You know what? It does get better.”
Bette: “You know, I keep…replaying it, over and over again in my head. Just trying to figure out…the exact moment when I could’ve stopped myself.”
Jenny: “No, no, no you can’t do that. Because we all make mistakes.”
Bette: “But not like me. Not like this.”
[Bette looks at Jenny, Jenny smiles.]
Bette: “I don’t even know why you’re talking to me about this. I mean, it wasn’t like I was very nice to you when you went through all of this with Tim.”
Jenny: “I don’t know. I guess….I know how that feels.”

A’ight, let’s go see Ret-Conned Jenny. Shall we begin?

Lesbian Squabble #25: I Listen In & I Draw My Own Conclusions & Take Photos of Them & I’m Guilty Of This, You Should Know This

In the Ring: Jenny vs. Bette

Content: Jenny wants to know if Bette told Tina about what happened while Tina was in the big apple. You know, how Bette really liked Kelly’s peaches, therefore wanted to shake her tree. Bette rogers that and reports no, she did not tell Tina about having sex with Kelly because she did not have sex with Kelly.

Jenny: “It’s not funny, I saw you through the window! You weren’t even trying to hide it, Bette!”
[I’d argue that things one does in the privacy of one’s home count as “hidden.”]
Bette: “I don’t know what you think you saw, but I can tell you however it appeared, nothing happened.”
Jenny: “Then what did I see Bette?”
Bette: “I don’t know, you tell me. What did you see, Jenny?”
Jenny: [patronizing] “I know this is hard, and I know that you’re trying to be better –”
Bette: “Look. NOTHING HAPPENED. Kelly came over, she was drunk, she spilled her drink, I cleaned it up. That’s the end of the story let it go.”
Jenny: “Tina’s my friend. You know how it works, people find out about these things.”

Who Wins? Jenny.

Why? C’mon, for an innocent woman Bette couldn’t possibly have sounded guiltier. Wouldn’t one naturally assume Jenny had somehow seen Kelly trying to lay a smooch on Bette, rather than that she’d seen the drink spill? AND w/o knowing about the iphone photo, why would Bette give this argument the time of day? Clearly Dick Wolf wasn’t consulted on this scene. Ilene why hast thou forsaken us. Tina’s Jenny’s only friend now, so maybe she is just lookin’ out.

I feel really bad for Bette, and being punished for something you didn’t do — especially when it’s something people might expect you to do but you don’t do anymore — blows harder than Ted Haggard in a truck stop bathroom. Sidenote ; if I’d been freeze-dried since 1985 without sexual activity and Kelly tried to stick her hand down my pants — Hell to the N-O. I’d rather make out with a REPUBLICAN. Because Republicans can be sexy. Actually. Kelly’s probs a Republican, she seems like that kind of asshole. Anyhow is anyone still reading? I used to be funny, now I’m not. I’m like Full House .

Guess who doesn’t say that she’s gonna kill Jenny? That’s right. Bette. Why not? I have One Big Idea why. Anyhow as aforementioned, it’s Jamie & Alice’s dance routine that does the killing today, allegedly.

---

Tina’s been offered a job at Focus Features! Bette says Tina you are a ROCKSTAR! See, they’re so happy together, like two turtles on a peapod in an ocean of lovely-love. There’s only one catch — this new job is in New York, New York!

Bette — her entire body seized by fear that Jenny’s gonna rat out her innocent & lovely ass — eagerly suggests they skip town. It’s such a great opportunity for her to get away from Jennifer for Tina! But Tina says they can’t leave their life & friends! There’s so much friend love here! OR IS THERE?

---

We got plenty of love for y’all right here.

Time for exposition! Alice disapproves of Marcie moving in, Tina shares their travel itinerary: 1. They’re not attending the entire marathon because 2. They’re picking up Marcie from the bus station at 7 A.M. because 3. Classy! I’ve done that route on the Greyhound, I almost got pillaged by a one-toothed man who smelled like Sausage McMuffins & dead people. Just saying, don’t be surprised if Marcie arrives with placenta running down her bare thighs and knee-socked calves.

Alice thinks they should see Baby Mama, ’cause apparently this situation is a one-way road to trouble and … probs a three-way crush.

Alice: “And she’s a teenager, so she’s gonna hate you guys out of principle.”
Bette: “You know what she’s 22 years old.”
Alice: “Okay so she’s gonna wanna down like 50 beers after dinner.”

HEY-O! You know who else likes 50 beers after dinner? I mean — before dinner, after lunch, etc.? With afternoon tea? That’s right, Helena!

HELENA!! Let’s get it ONNNN! Marcie and Helena, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!

Alice: “You could get all lost in those mushy mama feelings and sock it to ‘er one night.”

Bette’s Big Bettism: “Okay, that’s enough. I am not some fucking lose cannon that just fucks everything that walks okay I can be trusted.”

[BRILLIANT!]

Alice: “Is Marcie hot?”
Bettina: “ALICE!”
Alice: “You guys, you’re bringing me down okay?”

Carly: “I wish she’d said ‘you guys are harshing my mellow, okay?”

---

Tina apologizes to Helena for “pushing” her into the Dylan Test, but Helena says it’s okay — she was “complicit,” she wanted to know. [Sidenote: and Dylan obvs overreacted, as she totes deserved to be tested.] Remember when Tina and Helena had S-E-X in a P-O-O-L? They love PoolSex on The L Word. And in less than a week, there’ll be no more lesbian pool sex EVER. I hear there’ll be a dead body in the pool, maybe a few floaties, some of those rings at the bottom. Shamu. Shamwow.

“She’s in love with you,” Tina tells Helena. Helena asks “then where is she?” Excellent point. Where the fuck is she. One does not sacrifice one’s chance to make love to Helena Peabody. Enough of this character development, let’s get on with the dance!

If you haven’t already seen the episode, I’d suggest a drinking game that requires one drink for every time they cut away to the audience applauding. You will be wasted within fifteen minutes tops.

Carly: “Is this the only drag queen in the world?”
Riese: “This is a one-avenue town. One lawyer, one therapist, one drag queen. And he’s actually a really bad drag queen.”

Jamie takes the stage to discuss the cause — the LA Gay & Lesbian Center’s Jeff Griffith Youth Center (In NYC we have the Ali Forney Center) for homeless gay youth, and then calls Alice up. Alice is jazzed & adorable & pumped, she’s a whole new lady!

Alice tells the crowd how her life has turned around after getting fired from The Look [I’m having Rosie Cruise ’07 opening night performance post-Hassleback showdown flashbacks!], she’s made a good friend & loves her girlfriend more than ever and she owes this to someone very special. MARIE! Marie taught Alice something very important: “It’s not a one way street, we can really influence these kids and if you give them one second of your time they can really turn your life around.” APPLAUSE!

Carly: “She looks kindaaaa like Ellen Page.”
Riese: “She’s like a poor man’s Ellen Page.”
Carly: “Oh my god, she totally IS, we can’t write that down.”

Meanwhile! While Jamie’s asking who’d like to make a donation and “set the tone” for the donation drive, Bette looks over her shoulder …

…and what does she see …

What will Bette do to flee the scene?
Ah! Time to get on stage and unpack some green.
It’s for a good cause, so no one gets hurt
Besides the peasant who died to make Alice’s shirt.

Alice is thrilled to be ahead of the three-peat game already. See, look how good Jenny is for charity. $1,500! Tina’s facial expression is priceless, it says: “There goes Angelica’s clarinet lessons, big spender.” The trio exits and Sunset calls Kit Porter to the stage. Kit’s wearing one of the costumes Showtime asked me to identify for their auction and I said I was certain I’d never seen it on the show. ‘Cause if I had, I would’ve remembered, because this little jumpsuit thing is probs the best moment of all six seasons, I want one in every color. I’m bidding on it.

Kit: “I have a little question for you … will you be my dance partner for this evening?”
Sunset [makes weird noises]: “Oohhhh yeeeessss!”

In other news, Kit’s talking like she just took a bubble bath in liquid codeine.

Robin: “Did they just go to Claire’s and pick random accessories for everyone?”
Carly: “Totally, that’s where they met Sunset Boulevard.”
Riese: “He’s like the guy that will pierce your ears even if you’re only 15.”

---

Jenny apologizes to Helena. Helena blows her off and walks away. Alice wants Helena to dance but Helena can’t stay up for 12 hours and dance, and Kit hasn’t blown any horn players lately so there’s no coke to go around, but Tasha & Alice tell her she must dance — she can dance with Jamie, who’s a weirdly awesome dancer. If Helena doesn’t dance, none of us will dance, it’ll be anarchy! Sidenote; what’s the point if Helena has no sponsors? Ok.

---

Apparently Alice & Tasha have been awake all week building endurance. All work and no play makes Alice apparently a very perceptive girl. She takes Helena to get a number, leaving Tasha & Jamie alone to check each other out.

“What?” Tasha asks.

“If you don’t know, I’m not gonna tell you,” Jamie responds. My heart hurts.

Robin: “Wasn’t Tasha the one that says thinking was cheating?”
Riese: “That was like a few episodes ago.”
Carly: “They’re completely different characters now.”

---

Let the dance marathon begin! If anyone stops dancing they’ll be eliminated and then one gay child will die. The first dance will be a line dance. Kit, who’s upped the Studio 54 ante by snorting lines of horse tranquilizer in the backroom, does an intro dance with Sunset that closely resembles my imitation of Janet from Intervention dancing with her imagination.

Doesn’t Kit’s butt look SO CUTE IN THIS THOUGH:

The Tango Kit Porter is a Dark Dizzy Merry-Go-Round …

Sunset: “If there is no spring in your step–”
Kit: “and no funk in your trunk —
Sunset: “You will be eliminated –”
Kit: “The question is … do you have the staying power …?”
[Kit makes 4-5 amazing facial expressions]

It’s BABYLON!

---

Let’s dance! Bette & Tina are such cute dancers. Then, because this is in fact The Way That We Live — Bette spots her ex. Jodi’s taken a break from constructing a giant shrine honoring the wire hanger she used to abort Bette’s dignity to shake her little ass for charity. Tina tells Bette to not let Jodi ruin her night. “She’s probably just here to do some good,” Tina suggests. Tina’s one of those naturally happy people, I suspect. Jodi is one of those naturally Shake What Your Mama Gave You people.

Bette begins to tell Tina about her earlier conversation with Jenny but is busted in on by Alice, who disregards the “private convo” vibe to ask if they sense any weird Jamie-Tasha-vibes. Tina & Bette draw on their long history as Jamie’s BFF and the very illustrative example of her dancing on the other side of the room to declare that there is no vibe. None at all.

Alice’s wild hand dances are reminiscent of 90’s girl movies featuring hippies who summon dead people around fires. After interrupting Bette’s confession twice, Alice goes back to her hidie -hole and Bette returns to attempting to tell Tina … but it’s hard, isn’t it? You’ve got the weight of what you’ve done on your back, the explanation that’s sure to sound sketchy. What does she think Jenny saw? Does she think Jenny’s just making shit up to be “manipulative and evil”? What the Eff is going on? “Never mind,” Bette says. “We’ll talk about it later.” And they dance on.

---

Bette and Jodi are washing their dirty hands of each other in the bathroom at the same time. IMHO, Bette could’ve escaped this catastrophe w/Jodi by just moving very quietly and refusing eye contact. Instead, Bette does the mature thing and asks Jodi if “they’re really gonna do this — not say Hi to each other.” Why is Bette always so perfect? Apparently Jodi and Jenny have spoken and Jodi now knows about Bette & Kelly. You know? These things happen. Rumors flying on the dance floor, etc. I can’t hear shit in those places.

In the Ring: Jodi vs. Bette

Content: Jodi’s glad she dodged a bullet with Bette. Bette had a gun? This story keeps getting shadier and shadier. I can barely keep up with these Sapphic Scenesters.

Jodi: “Jenny told me about you and Kelly.”
Bette: “And you believed her? She thinks that she saw something, nothing happened.”
Jodi: “Then why did Kelly tell me it did?”

That’s a really good question. Did Kelly tell Jodi before Jenny told Jodi? She must’ve, ’cause Jodi can’t talk on the phone, I doubt her & Kelly are at text-friends level, and Jodi just talked to Jenny. That means: 1. I bet Jodi brought it up, not the other way around, which I imagine cemented Jenny’s suspicion, if she had any doubt before. 2. This is now 50% Jenny’s fault, 50% Kelly’s fault, and 0% Bette’s fault. Bette needs to call Kelly STAT! This shit’s BANANAS!

Bette breaks my heart here. “It’s Tina I feel sorry for,” Jodi says like a patronizing fuck.

---

Back on the dance floor, the gay youths are fabulous! And the ladies are line-dancing/gossiping. What’s the story, morning glory? What’s the word, mockingbird. There’s something about this line dance that makes everyone look ridiculously sexy. Shane looks sexy, Jenny looks sexy, Alice looks sexy even though she’s wearing Bette’s S3 maternity meditation outfit …

Jenny to Bette: “Did you tell her?”

[Bette rolls her eyes, keeps dancing.]

Riese: “Don’t you feel like Jenny looks cute right now?”
Alex: “Oh totally.”
Carly: “Oh I don’t know I’m too annoyed with her to have an opinion.”

Shane’s dressed like there’s no time, only Shane-time. It’s like Miller Time. Dance through what decades, dance in your pants. Shane tells TiBette not to move to NYC, they can’t leave her here all alone with Jenny — though I suspect they’ll be all too happy to leave this kind of silly drama and bizarre personality transplants behind.

Alice continues to conduct the “is something up with Jamie and Tasha?” survey … and Helena gives Alice her first positive response — “Yeah, you should be worried.” Cheers to Honest Helena. Boo to… Alice’s heart hurting. Good news though!

Heart = Hurts. Can we just give Alice a pretty girl, a rock band, a hot job and a baby? Or just send her to jail? Oh. Okay.

Jamie’s all like, ooo Tasha are you gonna volunteer at the center, and Tasha’s all like yeah I will, and Jamie’s all like yah you will, ’cause this is probs her game, she woos people into charity with her hot bod. Tasha’s restrained though, not overstepping. She’s hard to read — as a lady who thinks thinking is cheating, perhaps she’s just doing her best to control her own thoughts. Meanwhile, Esmerelda has feelings for Tasha’s glasses.

---

Look! Who’s that girl?! Who is it? Is it Nikki Stevens, the star of direct-to-video limited release Criterion edition super special The Girls: Because Men and Women Belong Together, starring Nikki Stevens as Jessie? Nikki beelines straight for Sexy Shane, who’s all-too-happy to see her and conveniently located right in front of Nikki’s face.

“I’m waiting for Jenny,” Shane says, shifting her pelvis into Nikki’s grill. “She’s my partner.” They throw the word “partner” around like Silly Putty on this show. Nikki acutely notes that Jenny didn’t seem like Jenny’s partner last week, when Shane took her to the photo studio Jenny bought her to secretly have sex and then barfed. When Nikki apologizes for skipping out on the barf-party, Shane says, “it’s okay, some people just aren’t very good at taking care of others.” Clearly, these two are shining examples, they’re both doing quite well with Jenny’s heart. Again we have another scene where it’s clear even Kate doesn’t know why the hell these lines are her’s.

Shane doesn’t actually like Nikki, does she? Does she just want Jenny to dump her? Seriously THIS IS THE MOST ASSHOLE THING EVER. I don’t care if Jenny is in fact the devil herself, you break up with her before you fuck her ex-girlfriend. This is so inappropriate it’s gone all the way past inappropriate into unacceptable and all the way back to WTF TFS. Where’s Alice?

---

Alice, aka Salt, busts in on Shane and Shane laughs which is nice ’cause Shane rarely laughs these days. Shane says they’re competing because Jenny wants to, it’s “not her thing” [mmm, I don’t hear Tasha whining like this, suck it up and be a woMAN!] and Alice is like “What is your thing these days?” and rather than delve into the deep secrets of Nikki’s inner thighs, Shane just says “not now, Alice.”

Alice says it’s how Shane wants it to be. This is an interesting conversation — oh! Nevermind. Back to the dancing. If it kept going, there’d be a lot of awkward silences where Shane’s personality is supposed to be.

---

Sunset’s costumes are devolving as the night goes on. He’s moved from outfits to common household materials, such as sofa slipcovers and blankets.

It’s time for Jenny & Shane to dance. I think they thought it was the 1870’s. Jenny’s selling it, Shane’s melling it. That’s a new word, just made it up — it means “mellow.” Shane smiles, almost, from time to time, but the weight of the piece is on Jenny’s shoulders and in the ruffles at the bottom of her dress. There’s something sad & itchy about this scene.

“we thought we left possession behind , but truth is i was yours and you weren’t mine.”

“and now i’ve replayed a thousand times exactly what was said / ’cause nothing is as it appears in the funhouse mirrors of your fears.”

“on the rollercoaster of all these years”

“with your hands above your head …”

They earn moderate ratings. They will not win. In more ways than one. But they look kinda gorgeous together. In the VIP lounge, Nikki cheers. Nikki don’t mind. It’s her two favorite sexual partners, all up in one another’s junk.

---

Back in the dressing room, Alice is ready to go, there she goes, there she goes again Girls what’s her weakness? (Women!) Alice’s just chillin’, chillin’ minding her business (word) when yo Tash, she looked around and she couldn’t believe this. I swear, she stared, with Tina her witness. Bette had it goin’ on with somethin’ kinda … uhhhh …

Alice: “I didn’t know Dance Fever was back in the air.”
Bette: “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize Kriss Kross was looking for a new member.”

[Alice walks away, all like “Whatevs bitch, my pants are on frontwards.”]

Bette: “Hey Al, nice cameltoe.”

[Hey Bette, nice raunchy comeback. Love it!]

Alice: “Fuck, they’re not fucking around! They’re serious they have costumes!”
Tasha: “I see that. Wasn’t this supposed to be fun?”
Alice: “FUN?! NO!”

Don’t know how she makes you do the voodoo that you do.
So well, it’s a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop …

Bette: “Do you think you need to go over it again?”
Tina: “Go over it again? No I think I’m good.”
Bette: “Are you sure because they have wigs and spandex it’s not a fucking joke. We have no idea what they’re capable of.”

[QUOTE OF THE WEEK #1 RIGHT THERE]

Tina: “I’ll do my best.”

I love it when I don’t really even have to say anything, ’cause it’s already good.

---

Alice, worried that TiBette are packed and stacked ‘specially in the back, starts having second thoughts. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all, the dance routine. I mean the three of these ladies weren’t put in the same storyline to dance together, clearly they are here to have A FUCKING THREESOME. Shotgun-bang! What’s up with that thang?

Carly: “You know which one is Spinderella.”
Alex: “Totally.”
Carly: Alice is the me of this team.”

Tasha: “Alice, what’s wrong?”
Alice: “No, no I can’t … I don’t have rhythm.”
Tasha: “What?!”
Alice: “No, I don’t, it’s a — it’s a joke. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Tasha: “What are you talking about? You were the lead in West Side Story!”
Jamie: “You said we’re number one, we can’t be number two?”
[and we’re gonna beat the whoopie outta you!]
Alice: “Uh uh you guys everyone went traditional, we look like freaks.”

No you look AWESOME.

Tasha’s like uh-uh, I wore this outfit in my senior yearbook picture, fool. [I wore chapstick on a rope around my neck, I’m not judging.]

Tasha: “We don’t we look good — alright, alright, we look a little crazy but come on. [LOLZ!] That is not the point. Listen alright we can do this, you know the routine, you choreographed everything, okay?”
Alice: “Another problem, why did you let me do that. I don’t know how to choreograph shit.”
Tasha: “Put your wig on, Alice, put your wig on, okay? You’re gonna do this.”
Alice: “I was a terrible Maria, by the way.”

Clearly Alice with only white students, because how the F did she get cast as Maria? She is a kickass singer, though. Say so, you want to …

Look I’ve been in this situation before and I think Alice needs two girlfriends. Not ’cause she needs to have sex with both of them at once (though I’m sensing that’s never gonna happen, therefore if I were Jenny I would want to die too) but ’cause she just has a lot of feelings and needs.

Tasha: “You’re gonna do this. Just think of one thing, okay? Think — think — everybody out there, they’re here for you, okay? Jamie and I are gonna do this crazy ass dance for you. I’m in a turquoise onesie for you, okay, so pull it together.“

QUOTE OF THE WEEK #2 HANDS-DOWN.

Alex: “It’s gonna be like – [sings] – All the single ladies, all the single ladies ...”
Carly: “That’s what we woulda done, obvs — for the Dance whatever this thing is they made up.”
Riese: “No, those are real, they’re a big deal. They had a huge Dance Marathon at Michigan with breaks and guest speakers and stuff, it’s like a big fundraising thing.”

[Everyone is stunned speechless by the truthiness. But enough about us. ZOMG!]

And then we begin — Salt-n-Peppa’s PUSH IT.

You gotta push it…

Push it good…

Push it…

I don’t know about you, but clearly we have declared a hands-down-totes winner. I always wished the L Word could be more like Roundhouse.

Esmerelda can’t hold a sign without assistance but if she could it would be a ten. Also Robin’s ten is slightly higher than our tens because she looks super crazy in this photo.

I could watch this dance scene ten more times. One hundred more times. And still love every minute.

---

Jenny, probs still feeling sad & weird that her girlfriend did not even attempt to push it real good, seems well aware that Shane’s looking the other way. If Haviland was here she’d be like, “Shane! You need to communicate! Don’t cheat on her, promise me you’re not gonna do that. Just break up with her first before you have an affair, that is so lame not to. Be honest with her, tell her how you feel, don’t just run off to the bathroom, that is so lame, Shane, for REAL. La-h-me.”

---

And then we go to the bathroom, where Shane is apparently surpassing the “five minutes to pee” limit. Really? Five minutes? It takes five minutes to pee? I feel like I could pee, do a line of coke, switch up a tampon, text Haviland and be outta that stall in three or less.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #10: We Never Change, Do We? We Never Learn, Do We?

The Players: Shane and Nikki.

The Pick-Up: Probs “Hey, are you an asshole? I’m also an asshole. Let’s go be assholes together. Maybe at some point, I can touch your asshole. Do you like that? Probs not. That’s why you don’t have sex with boys anymore, isn’t it. Boys always think you’ve got a secret up there and anyway aren’t you saving your ass virginity for Brian Kinney , yes you are.”

Hot or Not?: Tina & Bette’s dance sequence is much sexier than Shane’s delayed emotional growth and wish they didn’t keep cutting away. Out of context = hot. In context= not hot.

I can’t believe I’m saying this about Shane, the former love of my life, the reason I watched this show to begin with. Oh, the tangled web we’ve woven.

Alex: “Ugh.”
Riese: “Fuckin’ A.”
Carly: “Ugh, Shane, you asshole.”

---

And back to the good stuff. What we wouldn’t give to see this shit uncut. What we wouldn’t give to see the rehearsal for this. Angie was sitting on her special chair clapping and squealing “Mommy is shiny!” Tina & Bette dance to Soul II Soul’s “Back To Life”. I hope all ye Tibetters are sitting on a towel ’cause you’re probs about to cream through your pants.

With these hungry eyes

I look at you and I can’t disguise

I’ve got hungry eyes

I feel the magic between you and I …

And look who shows up mid-dance …

It’s Dylan. She tells Helena that she’s sorry. Not about her haircut, but about her personality. Yay! Let’s dance, lovebirds!

---

The judges give TiBette 10, 9.0, and 8.5. Maybe the 8.5 had a crush on Bette in college and got rejected, I think that dance was one of the hottest moments of the season (besides Push It)– these women who’ve been through ups & downs for years & years are stronger, sexier, and more in sync than ever, and that’s fucking beautiful. I’d rather by a DVD of just that dance [uncut] than the entire season.

Riese: “They just did the Obama fist bump.”
Carly: “According to Fox News, they just fisted.”

---

We’re 75% sure that Team TiBette has this shit in the bag when that bitch from Dancing with the Stars takes the stage in her Dancing with the Stars prom dress, pulling an unexpected underdog effort a là Screech & Lisa on crutches. Sidenote; love shows where the only people in the dance contest are main cast members.

Tina: “Any regrets?”
Bette: “Not – a -one.”

The girls are stunned. The judges cream all over it. Jodi’s an amazing dancer for sure, but I think this show is maxed out (ha! “maxed”!) on presenting members of various marginalized social groups as assholes, and there’s nothing about Jodi’s behavior this episode that makes anyone like her more. The dance is smoking hot — but again, in context? Not so much. Out of context? Like on the reality show where it belongs? Ah, well, an interesting twist.

---

Time for the monkeys to go to the picnic and have their foods! What’s for lunch? Corn on the cob? Alice says Jodi & her bitch must’ve been practicing for months. “You had us practicing for months,” says Tasha. Teeny exaggeration there — apparently 606 happened last week, so … [how fun would a rehearsal montage have been? That’s J-Beals specialty, MANIAC!] … Alice shoots back “your sense of fair play is annoying.” Agreed.

Tasha is just one of those girls that won’t get excited about anything unless it’s officially, genuinely, seriously important. And maybe still even now she doesn’t see what Alice sees as mattering … but can we bear to see Alice’s little heart be sad with only one episode to go? Can’t they break up in the off-season?

Alice sits down next to Bette & Tina. They don’t even have to say anything. Bette puts her hand on Alice’s shoulder, and Tina gives her a little smile, and little muppet hearts all over the world break right open.

---

Up in the world-famous VIP lounge, Nikki’s dishing to her No.1 Groupie about how hot her BathroomSex was with Shane. “Nikki,” Lily Allen says, “Twelve o’clock — no the other 12. Behind you.” Oh! Hello there.

Nikki gives Jenny a guilty/I’m still in love with you/I eat doorknobs for dinner look. But instead of calling Nikki out for fucking Shane again … and again … she gives Nikki a little bit of “advice.” In Season Six advice from Jenny is not always a fantastic thing to take. Well, Alice hasn’t looked into the cartoon voiceover thing yet, so.

Carly: “I cleared out my special lounge for you Jenny. Nikki’s sitting like she’s the fucking Queen of Sheeba.”
Riese: “And Jenny is the Princess of Darkness.”

“The public is very harsh with you,” Jenny says. “You have a reputation for being shallow and vain.” Nikki’s like, “No I don’t.” Come on, Nikki can’t read, how would she know she has a bad reputation. She has a bad reputation in my living room, but that’s another story. Jenny suggests Nikki fixes her public image by auctioning herself off for charity. You know. Selling her body for money. Nikki’s so nervous around Jenny, she’s like a whole different person. Jenny should maybe date someone who’s super intelligent, more on her level — maybe that would help with the powergame problem. Anyhow speaking of selling oneself, let’s go out into the alley …

---

Helena and Dylan are outside kissing like schoolgirls. Helena has a memory! Backstory! Back in the day, little miss Peabody, who I deduce looked smashing in knickers, liked to dash outside from boarding school to kiss Bridget Somethingsomething who eventually left dear Helena for a “Maths superstar.” You know those Maths guys. Veiny cocks like salamanders. The ladies in the background are mildly distracting.

Natalie: “Oh my G-d I thought that was Jenny and Shane, but it’s Dylan and Helena.”
Riese: “Is that the set back there?”
Carly: “That’s Ilene Chaiken in the hat.”

Helena: “Not much has changed, has it? I’m still just gambling with my heart … Dylan, I’m sorry okay?”
Dylan: “Listen, no more apologies. I think we just need to start new, okay? Can we do that?”

Helena says they can. Brian Kinney says never explain, never apologize. Let’s get this show on the road! Bada-bing bada-ching, ring a ding a ling shoop shoop da doop!

---

Sunset has killed a bird. Bird-killer = Jenny killer? You know how Ilene feels about dudes. Sunset, in all honesty, has never looked better. He should wear Zebra ever day. Nikki gets up to say she’d like to make a donation and auction off a date with herself.

The bids start low and Nikki angles high: “Let’s make it 2,000, I make really good pancakes.” No honey, Rosa makes the pancakes, you just pour on the Aunt Jemima, that doesn’t count as making pancakes. Someone wants breakfast — Jenny bids $25,000. She shields her eyes when the spotlight turns to her. She looks dark and sad. Shane looks dead in the eyes. Alice is livid to lose the donation game. Again we see how Jenny is good for charity.

Jenny Moment: “Shane, you don’t have to fuck her in a bathroom anymore, you don’t have to sneak around, I don’t want you to do that, so I bought her for you. So you can have her whenever you want.”

[We applaud]

Riese: “AMAZING!”
Alex: “AND that’s why we love Jenny.”
Carly: “–and that is AWESOME.”

If it wasn’t sort of degrading to the cause (bringing personal drama into a charity event is a little tacky), I’d give this particular Jenny Moment a 10 out of 10. But because of that I give it an 8.5. Well, Lacey made a banner. Shane, where have you gone.

Jenny then approaches Shane, who looks like she’s thinking about chapstick and cucumbers and suicide, and tells her: “Listen, I don’t care. You can fuck whoever you want, whenever you want. Fuck Nikki, fuck whoever. I know that you need it, it doesn’t scare me, because I know you. Okay?” But … that’s not okay. It’s never okay to fuck your best friend’s ex-girlfriend, or your girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Is Jenny just trying to keep her? Is she a flip-flopper from hell? Or is she just being manipulative? Well, let’s move on and never find out.

Nikki’s probs in back whipping up the Bisquik.

---

Bette tentatively approaches Jodi; “I don’t know why I care about what you think of me but I do, and I promise you I haven’t cheated on Tina.”

Jodi still doesn’t believe her but says it doesn’t matter. Yes it does, it just does, if it didn’t matter, Jodi wouldn’t have brought it up or said she’s glad to have dodged a bullet. Nevertheless Bette’s fed a hearty portion of Jodi’s Maxims for Life. “Every day we wake up and promise ourselves we’re going to be better. The problem is in the execution.” She wishes Bette & Tina happiness. I bet after Bette left Jodi signed to herself “just kidding I hope you kill somebody.”

---

Jamie says she was silly to think a 15-minute power nap would be okay. Well, there’s item number one Tasha and Jamie do NOT have in common because Tasha would be just fine because she was in the army and took power naps all the time so there, they’re too much alike, it would never work.

Alice:“Do you have feelings for Tasha?”
Jamie: “Alice, I would never do anything –”
Alice: “I know.”

Don’t mind it’s a common reaction ..

---

Tina & Bette look like they’ve just slept for 10 hours, it is the buttcrack of dawn and they are fully accessorized. I’m lucky to be wearing pants with pockets after an all-nighter, let alone a watch with matching earrings & scarf. These women are on top of their shit, should probs take custody of the octuplets. Or move to New York City.

Bette: “At a certain point I have to trust that they’re like our family, and just because we leave L.A., it doesn’t mean that we’re leaving them.”
Tina: “It’ll be a fresh start. It’ll be a new city. It’s gonna be so exciting.”

Riese: [as Bette] “You call those teenagers our friends? Who needs enemies.”
Carly: [as Bette]”Our friends are lame. We need new ones.”
Riese: [as Bette] “Our friends are our family, like my Dad. He was mean to me and now he’s dead.”
A;ex: “Riese! I swear to G-d.”

They cutely remember that they have to apply for schools starting now. Good luck ladies, the NYC school situation for upwardly mobile beautiful power lesbians like yourself is brutal. Although there’s a spin-off I’d like to see. Welcome Back Porter, like Welcome Back Kotter, which I’ve never seen, but it rhymes with Porter sort of. In the pilot I want Bette to unleash a can of whoopass upon a Duane Reade cashier.

---

There’s a man on the stage and Kit is on the alert. What the hell, it’s Soy Bomb, he’s gonna hijack the show. Guess who it is okay I’ll tell you it’s that drag queen but not wearing drag.

It’s THIS GUY:

Sunset: “You know me as Sunset Boulevard. But my real name is Sonny Benson–“

Carly: “… and I’m here to recruit you.”
Riese: “Oh my god they have no idea what straight people do, do they?”
Carly: “Oh my god, no idea.”

Sonny: “But my real name is Sonny Benson, and I’m a straight man who loves his gay and lesbian family. And I hope you can still accept me.”

Though there are no people visible who are actually applauding, the sound editor has added massive rousing applause. HURRAH! Drink! You know the Little Red Riding Hood stripper back there is gonna have a little Citron.

Kit’s pissed that she told him things she’d never tell a man who was wearing men’s clothing. I think Kit needs glasses. Sonny tells Kit that she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen and he’d like nothing more than to take her to dinner and get to know her better. Kit doesn’t need dinner. She already ATE! This is the fourth person who’s doggedly pursued Kit and actively ached to explore her nether regions; declaring love in public places, writing songs and sending 50 bouquets of flowers. Yet this has never — not once — happened to Alice. That makes me sad. This also happens to Tinkerbell all the time:

Kit leaves, probs to take a nap and then come back and face this situation head on, directly to the forehead.

---

The bus pulls up and Tina and Bette wait anxiously and cutely, like something good is about to happen. Maybe Marcie missed the bus. Speaking of Kriss-Kross.

Bette checks her messages. No dice. Look’s like it’s Max’s baby or no baby, baby.

Carly: “They’re like America, wearing blue and red.”
Riese: “Maybe she had her baby on the bus.”
Carly: “Bette looks like she works for the bus.”

I can’t even show you a screenshot of their faces waiting for Marci because the hope in their eyes is so full that it makes me want to cry, and one must save one’s tears for the last couple standing. Tina should pretend the flowers are for Bette, then they can go home and make love.

We’re a bit relieved Marci’s not coming — that was another unnecessary loose end for next week.

---

Back at the dance, Tasha and Alice are hugging each other and swaying. Alice looks sad. You know who else looks sad? Us. Why. Alice. Come on. Her best friend already died of Chaiken Cancer. OurChart died. She’s been left by four women that we know of. She won’t even be able to bury herself in volunteer work, ’cause Jamie runs the center, or write her treatment, ’cause Jenny already did, or go to work, ’cause she got fired, or hang out with her friends, ’cause they’re moving to New York and Shane is being a weirdo.

Alice: “I want you to know I’ve never loved you more … and I want you to be happy. Do you wanna be with Jamie?

Tasha: “I don’t — I don’t know her … “

[The right answer is: “We enjoy playing raquetball together.”]

Alice: [interrupts] “It’s okay.”
Tasha: “… very well.”
[pause]
Tasha: “I’m not ready to let you go.”

[Good, ’cause Alice needs to auto-win SOMETHING tonight. Hold on, baby, hold on.]

Sunny Hoo-ha announces “we have our last couple standing.”
My heart hurts.
I hope The Farm doesn’t get picked up. Alice in jail = major heartbreak.

---

The Round-Up:
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 1 this ep, 10 total
Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this ep, 27 total
Quote of the Week: Tasha & Bette
On a scale of 1 to 10: Shoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie Doo – 7.5.

The L Word Episode 606 Recap: Lactose Intolerant

This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight, but there may be messed up formatting and missing pictures.

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Episode 606 of The L Word, titled “Lactose Intolerant,” is the worst thing I’ve seen on television since Episode 604 of The L Word. Howevs; whereas 604 was calmly terrible — bumbling softly along its housework-heavy path of mediocrity — 606 was outrageously, actively, aggressively terrible. For a bit more on why, you can read this post I wrote about how the show is treating Max.

Watching this episode was like watching an elephant bleed from the eyes. It was like watching a consistently maligned and mistreated character trudge awkwardly amongst green-eyed villains and homosexuals at a candy-fetish themed baby shower; making uncomfortable gynecological-themed conversation and licking melted chocolate bars from the crotches of baby diapers. Oh wait! That HAPPENED!

It’s nuts, isn’t it? This show’s passionate following. Can you imagine how intense our online show-related communities would be if this show was actually GOOD? Though IFC is convinced we love to hate it, that’s not true — we wouldn’t still be watching if Seasons One and Six swapped air dates. But ’cause Season One was good, we got sucked in, and now we’re stuck in this queer quicksand, waiting for something like Season One to happen again.

If you missed it, I made you a five-minute podcast covering the The L Word Episode 606 – all the story in 1/10th the time! I made it using an L Word DVD, a tin can, a MacBook Pro, a ball of rope, and a rubber band, and though I don’t know how to use Garage Band yet, I’m um, trying to learn.

I’m considering checking out this film Barb Wire I just read about. Produced in 1996, this Pamela Anderson vehicle was nominated for 6 “Razzie” Awards, including Worst Screenplay. Guess who wrote it? C’mon. Just guess. Look it up. Anyhoooo ….

This week’s viewing party was attended by mememe, A;ex, Carlytron, Robin , Caitlin (not pictured) and Esmerelda Fitzmonster, Carly’s new muppet. Esmerelda is a lezzie muppet, even though Carly often accidentally calls Esmerelda “him,” like Jenny does to Max.

The first time I saw this show — devouring all of Season One in about three days — was with the (not pictured) Krista, who also joined our fine 606 viewing party. Back then, watching Season One in the winter of our discontent, we had a lot of feelings about Shane. We sat very close to the television. Now we sit far away and shield our eyes.

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We open at Willy Wonka’s world-famous chocolate factory, where all the Oompa Loompas are making special balloons and singing their special death march. Then! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Han Solo! It’s DYLENA!

Carly: “Look! Dylan’s wearing black and Helena’s wearing white, that’s symbolic of good and evil. Everyone got it? Up to speed on the symbolic associations? Black — white –”
Riese: “Omg, like the white is angelic and the black is devilish!”
Robin [not listening]: “Yeah, Ellen really upgraded.”

Jenny tells Helena that she will fix this, and then informs Dylan that “you must start a relationship with a clean slate.” For example: Helena. She began this season, and every season, with a clean slate, upon which Ilene drew a brand new personality. Dylan doesn’t buy Jenny’s little maxims for success, she’s going to the bus station. Or she’s using the Jenny fight as an excuse to ditch this party. Maybe it’s Helena’s secret cue to meet her in the car for sex.

As Dylan leaves, please note her limited range of muted facial expressions. “Shock” looks a lot like “I’m gonna stick my claw up your vagina.”

Hey Dylan, remember when you made a sexy video to extort your beloved for bajillions of dollars and break her little heart? Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle sneaky?I want to Oompa Loompa Ilene Chaiken in the eyeball.

++

Helena, before she runs out the door, has one thing to say to Jenny —

You Say “Kill” I Say “Love.”

Kill ‘Em With Kindness. Kill ‘Em With Kittens. At this point, Jenny’s about as over the death threats as we are. “Oh! Helena wants to kill me! Another day in the life of Jennifer Schecter, The Lollipop Guild Co-Founder and President.” Henceforth Jenny will require a more nuanced intimidation tactic.

Who Wins? Jenny, because now everyone loves her even more.

Riese: “But they all just like take it from Jenny. They just hold a grudge. They never do anything about it.”
Carly: “It’s not like anyone actually KILLS her … or do they?”

All our pictures look a lot like this one.

---

FIRST! A postcard from Max.

Carly: “We’re going to call Max the Quicker Picker Upper from now on.”
Caitlin: “They made her be Willy Wonka?”
Riese: “Him!”

Dear Ilene,

I feel like you didn’t get my letter. Things keep getting worse, you know? That thing where you are playing out your transphobia on my body to make me seem as “freakish” and uncomfortable in my own skin as possible? But I wanna clarify something though to address some questions I’ve gotten on my new rogue OurChart 3.0 website:

I wasn’t upset about this storyline ’til I learned it’d be an unwanted and medically impossible pregnancy. Though crazy-ass unlikely things happen on this show — murder, for example — they are possible things. Our anger at the Dana-death comes from a similar, though not identical, place; because her demise was almost impossible as well. If my storyline was like Thomas Beatie’s, who went off hormones to get pregnant, that’d be a super-sweet story about a trans man choosing to get pregnant that could explore our inter-community prejudices and beliefs. But an unwanted pregnancy storyline is one that even the best teevee characters rarely emerge from untarnished.

Usually, unwanted-pregnancy storylines have heavyhanded morals, e.g., use a condom! “No sex before marriage!” But ’cause my situation is impossible, that’s not the case, leading me to believe that (much like Dana) it’s not the process you care about so much as it is The Result (in my case, that means my boyfriend leaves me, my surgery is delayed, my friends refuse to adopt my baby and I’m forced to attend humiliating baby showers). In fact, you’re ignoring the unwanted pregnancy issue — A BIG ONE — in favor of congratulating yourself for faux-boundary-breaking that is really just extremely othering and transphobic!

Also Willy Wonka is not my favorite movie. My favorite movie is Barb Wire, obvs.

No Love, No Love At All,
Max

---

The baby shower scene is the kind of scene you don’t want to be watching when an L Word virgin enters the room. How do you explain this nonsense?

I’d rather watch Hiro slay the great warrior in ancient Tunesiakawisawa or whatever that nonsense was. Why’s Max keeping the baby? He’d give it up for adoption, obvs. Is there a secret Pro-Life agenda happening here, and motherhood will transform his soul? In a good way?

The soundtrack here comes to us directly from what Satan plays in Hell. Hell is not other people, Hell is other people singing “Three Blind Mice” with backup vocals by Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Bette! The Pirates of Penzance called, they said never mind, KEEP IT.

Carly: “Are there words written on Bette’s sleeves?”
Riese: “It’s the scripture.”
Carly: “It’s like a scroll.”
Robin: “It’s her trademark now.”
Riese: “It looks like Talbots threw up in there in 1993 and let it ferment.”

Alice says Jenny is manipulative and evil, Bette agrees, Tina eventually comes around and also agrees.

When Helena leaves, Shane says: “That was so inappropriate.” I think she’s talking about Tina’s dress. Come on this isn’t Andrea Zuckerman’s garage sale.
After about five minutes of searching within a two-block radius of Casa Shenny, Helena has returned to declare Dylan GONE! But wasn’t Dylan’s exit apathetic, and isn’t this situation complicated enough to warrant at least a conversation? Well, I guess it’s not about Dylan & Helena. It’s about how all the characters can put themselves in a situation to be abused by Jenny so that she can get killed without too much crying.

---

The Writing is On the Wall, SO TO SPEAK.

If Jenny was my friend and she didn’t even apologize for the allegedly unintended results of her actions, I’d bust that baby shower stat, even if said shower was celebrating the first unicorn-to-human (UTH) pregnancy ever. Anyhow, Jenny does have the chance to call Helena “Miss Crankypants,” which is precious and makes me smile.

++

But Have You Ever Seen a Baby Shower … On WEED?

Shane & Jamie are gonna go do what any sane person would do in this situation (this is foreshadowing) — they’re sneaking off to the kitchen to get high. See, this is the sexy thing about Shane — it’s how she moves her body. She curls & contracts & expands & retracts elegantly into any given space, like the world moves to fit her into it. Jamie’s telling Shane that she’s glad to hang out with her cause Alice says Shane’s weirdly awesome. I mean just “awesome,” I added that “weirdly” to see if you were paying attention. Shane seems happy to hear that Alice still likes her.

Before Jamie & Shane an undress and eat peanut butter off each other’s butts, Jenny sneaks in to tell Jamie that it’s her turn. If Jamie misses her big chance to identify a Snickers bar, all hell will break loose.

Although Shane’s slightly annoyed that Jenny broke up her smokey party, she’s also high now and therefore better able to handle this convo. Shane quickly turns that frown upside down when Jenny says she got Shane a present ’cause Jenny loves Shane. I’m not really sure if even Kate knows what’s going on anymore. All we know about the present is that it’s not a lobotomy. The calm before the storm. The eagle plans her attack. I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!

---

The ladies begin to discuss, for no apparent reason, various birthing methods. This engaging discussion follows a brief infomercial for Bugaboos, starring Bette & Tina, who just stole their costumes from the Scooby Doo ride at Universal Studios. The episiotomy discussion prompts me to exclaim: “Raise your hand if you want to talk about epistiotomies!”

I’ll give you a hint whose hand shot up — she’s a muppet and she’s got a hole large enough to squeeze out a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk, no C-section necessary. Esmerelda stops me from changing the channel to something a little lighter, like my favorite show Intervention.

++
I Have No Words For This Particular Aspect of the Gift Exchange.
++

++

++

The enthusiasm radiating from these party-goers is contagious.
++

Carly: “What is going on, are we on drugs?”
Caitlin: “What’s HAPPENING?”
Riese: “This … is so … terrible.”
Robin: “I can’t believe this is happening.”
Esmerelda Fitzmonster: “WHY DO YOU GUYS HATE THIS SHOW?! IT’S SO GOOD! THERE’S NO OTHER LESBIANS ON TEEVEE TO TELL MY STORIES! THAT SHANE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL PUPPET — I MEAN!!! – MUPPET! I LOVE THE L WORD!!”
Cait: “Carly, is everything okay?”
Carly: “What’s the point of having a muppet if it can’t speak its mind?”

Carly: “Are there pig’s feet in that jar?”
Riese: “That is not my kind of party.”
Cait: “I feel so uncomfortable for everyone.”
Krista: “I feel like we’re on acid!”

Some golden moments I should mention: When Max opens the onesie with a devil decal and Alice says: “it looks like Jenny.” When Max starts hyperventilating and Tina commands “Xanax. Get him a Xanax, it’s in our room.” That one is prefect for many reasons, most notably the fact that the lesbian power couple has Xanax on hand (and that Alice offers some Lexapro she’s got lying around).

After three days in Michigan my brother and I have been offered so much Xanax by our Two Moms that we’re plumb out of betas to block. Xanax is the secret fuel of the lesbian lifestyle. This is the way that we live.

++

Or there’s the drink.

++

Alice Getting Baby-Showered

Alice: “You being ALONE is better because you don’t have to go through all that bullshit you know. Of like figuring it all out with someone else like, ‘Let’s circumcise or no we can’t circumcise!’ or you know; ‘Let ’em stay up late! I want ’em to go to bed,’ and it’s like much better just you, you and the kid, huh?”
Jamie [aside to Tasha] “What is she doing?”
Tasha: “Doin’ what she always does. Just watch her, she’s on a roll.”
++

Alice, Not Interrupted: “I can only hope that this child will turn out to be a child who has values. Who knows the real meaning of honesty, the real meaning of trust, and real friendship, someone who will stand up to her girlfriend when they know she’s wrong –“

Alice, Not Interrupted, Continued: “We can all only hope that this child will not grow up to be a thief, someone who would steal people’s ideas, and lives, and things like that,
so I pray Max for your child that they won’t grow up to be malicious and manipulative and fucked up.”

++

That’s an Oscar Worthy Performance if I ever saw one, yeah?

++

Helena “hear hears!” to Alice’s little monologue like a drunken Irish seaman, what the hell is happening. Actually … this scene seems better now that I’m writing about it than it did while I was watching it.

If you know the history of TFS (This Fucking Show) it’s almost embarrassing to be witnessing this particular episode, like it’s 1941 and we’re watching Song of the South. Can I get a manipulative psychotic bisexual in the house? Oh — not anymore, right.

---

By the 17:19 mark, we cannot take it any longer. Despite what the buttons say, we do not in fact totes heart rock bottom. We pause. We consider our options. Esmerelda is getting suicidal.

At this point we decide we cannot go on without first getting high — all of us, even those of us who never smoke. You hear that Ilene? You’ve driven us to drugs. No pictures, we can’t afford to lose our sponsorship deal with Frosted Flakes.

Caitlin: “17 minutes and 19 seconds. Write that down.”
Riese: “We’re still in the same scene! This scene is almost the length of an entire sitcom!”
Krista: “If this was a sitcom, we would’ve already had a set-up, conflict and rising action and we’d be two minutes away from the resolution.”
Carly [to Riese]: “We need to write a teevee show.”
Riese: “I wanna write the aforementioned Crazy Jenny Show.”

Coincidentally, when we choose to pause the DVD to get high, the frame we froze on features Max huffing glue out of a paper bag. I saw a documentary about kids sniffing glue so basically I’m an expert.

Now that we’re all oblivious to the pain, we turn the show back on. Max begs TiBette to adopt his baby, and they say they can’t, they’ve already got this easy-peasy situation set up with a random trashy girl from the other side of the homophobic tracks, Nevada, where gay adoption is illegal. This makes me feel icky, like obvs they’d say yes if it was Alice or something, don’t you think? I hate this. Take Max’s baby! He’s got great eyes!

---

Then some other stuff happens, including a full frontal of the Worst Pregnancy Suit EVER. I think pregnancies work best when the actress or actor is actually pregnant.

Anyhow, this is us on Splash Mountain:

Riese: “OH MY GOD”
Alex: “AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!”
Carly: “Make it Stop! Make it STOP!”
Robin: “That one moment just canceled out all of the good moments of hot girls ever on this show.”
Carly: “Oh my god LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK!”
Riese: “He’s shaving his beard!”

I’ve Got More For the World Than This Beard

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Us Toooo!!!

We-Ho may seem glamorous, but it’s a One-Lawyer One-Therapist Town. Thusly, TiBette are at Joyce’s, talking about really interesting things. Joyce is obvs texting Ilene to let Ilene know she needs to edit this episode a little more. JK, she’s texting Phyllis so that Phyllis can masturbate thinking about Joyce and Bette in the room together. JK Joyce is telling Bettina
a how she bagged the babe and how now they’re gonna tie the knot.

Joyce: “Gavin Newsom the mayor of San Francisco, he’s officiating –”
++

Carly doing an amazing Jane Lynch Voice: “I was naked when I offered and — Bette, you were there –”
[Alex & Caitlin, momentarily unaware that it’s Carly talking and not The Lynch, almost die laughing. ALMOST]
Riese: “It’s a good thing that we’re here to make this show better.”
Carly: “Dialogue supplemented and enhanced by Carly.”

When Bette & Tina mention Nevada, Joyce rains all over their adopted baby parade by telling them homos can’t adopt there. But you can get a damn good buffet for $8.99 or less. Joyce suggests they adopt as a single mother in Nevada and then add the other mother once they get back to California. Bette presents a stunningly hollow argument about how they cannot begin their baby’s life with untruthiness and Tina defers to Bette’s better judgment, just like TOE told Bette to do back in Season Two.

This’d be a good point for them to agree to adopt Max’s baby instead. But it’d be sillier for Marcie to come to California and give birth right there on the Golden Gate Bridge, and Silly is the Name of the Game. Gavin Newsom will be the midwife. You know. Gavin Newsom. The mayor. Of San Francisco.

---

Jamie, You’ve Got Me Running, JAMMMIEEEE, You’ve Got Me Tired.

The sweaty threesome returns to the Alice Palace after a hot Tasha training session to cutely joke with one another about Alice’s relative physical un-endurance and how hot Jamie is. Jamie says she’s gonna go home and take a shower and meet them at the restaurant.

Carly: “Why don’t you just shower here?”

Alice: “Why don’t you just shower here?”

Esmerelda Fitzmonster: “SHOWER HERE!”

The ‘shower here’ deal is sealed when Tasha offers clothes ’cause they’re about the same size — and then Tasha adds the obligatory Next Line for Girls Sharing Clothes : “you’re a little bit smaller but –” Jamie’s all “Nah!” Aw. The point is you can see Jamie’s boobs, and everyone is in a good mood.

++

Lesbian Sexy Moment #8: If You’re Gonna Get Off, You Might As Well Get Off With Me

The Players: Tasha and Alice … and, in spirit, the showering Jamie.
The Pick-Up:
Alice: “What are you doing?”
Tasha: “Shh.”
Hot or Not? Very! Tasha, all charged up from their communal lust for Jamie, basically sticks her hand down Alice’s pants … and she likes it. I hope their third-wheel-crush don’t mind it. Then, Alice & Tasha’s whispers climb over the couch, through the wall and across two rooms all the way to the bathroom, where even with the shower water on, Jamie can hear them having sexy time.

If These Walls Could Orgasm

Jamie cutely tip-toes down the hallway as Tasha & Alice wrap up the sexy-time/whisper sweet nothings. Jamie totally knows that she’s a part of this sex scene somehow, but I have no clue what (or who) Jamie wants, exactly.

++

Alice: “That was crazy.”

Jamie: “Oh that was a really nice shower!”

Alice & Tasha dash to shower together, leaving Jamie alone on the couch. We’re worried she’s about to masturbate which would make us feel weird. But she doesn’t. And so the beat goes on.

---

Tina & Bette have apparently decided to move Marcie in to their house [worst idea EVER – srsly, adopt foster child! There are so many that need homes!] and so they go home to check on the construction. Maybe Marcie will hook up with Helena, Helena needs a girlfriend again and she likes pregnant chicks. I’m sure Marcie is stoked, ’cause she loved the photos of Bettina’s home.

This woman, possibly named Weezy something but who I will henceforth refer to as “The Beaver” because she looks beaverish, says annoying things that all reference boning dudes. After the Beave leaves the scene, Bette does a fabulous imitation of The Beave’s laugh and the girls share a hearty chuckle, I wish they could share a sex scene instead.

Riese: “Look, it’s a real dyke! She’s got a chainsaw!”
Carly: “Hey look at that lesbian! Is that the key grip playing a cameo?”
Riese: “They overwork that girl, she’s always being tossed in to represent.”
Carly: “Did she win one of those fan walk on contests? MY NAME’S GWEN AND I’M HERE TO WASH YOUR VAGINA!”
Robin: “She’s like this happens to me allllll the time …”

I think The Beave was in my middle school class making crass jokes about churning butter and blowing glass at Greenfield Village while the rest of us were trying to learn more about the pioneers so we could kick ass on Oregon Trail and avoid cholera.

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Apparently after Cherie Jaffe’s husband ixnaye’d the Shane Salon, the space went unsold. Until this moment, this very moment when Jenny leads Shane into her new photo studio — Shane’s very own place to work. Hint hint — Jenny’s revving up to convert that bedroom back into her Psycho HQ Office. Hey Jenny I know a great carpenter — she looks gay but apparently enjoys the hot beef injection, so you don’t have to worry about her stealin’ your special lady.

Shane seems overwhelmed but moreso she seems muted. Maybe she figures “my life is already a living hell, it may as well be a living hell with a photo studio.” What’s wrong with Shane being a hairdresser, Jenny? Maybe Jenny’s a snob who prefers M.F.A.s to Trade Certificates, but um, that’s silly, ’cause at least Shane is always employed, kinda.

“I don’t deserve this,” Shane says. Also, the only photos she ever took were of Molly, and now Molly is gone. Just like Lassie! And the farm! When Sal’s burned down! Jenny thinks Shane does deserve it, ’cause she’s “talented.” Or ’cause Molly’s pretty. Anyone can take a good photo of a sunset. Shane is no Robin Roemer, that’s for sure.

Natalie [has just walked in to the room]: “This is intense.”
Carly: “If by “intense” you mean “terrible.”

---

Tina’s leavin’ on a jet-plane for New York City for a movie thing and therefore won’t be around for the Gallery Opening. Tina feels bad about this, but Bette insists that she go to NYC because it’s important for her career. This means they’ve evolved from Season One, when Bette blithely encouraged Tina to drop her career in favor of motherhood/wifehood.

Howevs we know Tina’s gonna be in trouble — she’s leaving Bette all alone with closeted straight girl THE BEAVE, and we know what happens to closeted straights on this show. They’re only straight until they’re not. Also we know Bette has a construction tool fetish.

ZOMG RAT TAIL!

++

++

For reasons that defy everything I’ve ever known about human beings, The Beave has mistaken Tina for Bette’s sister. Then she leaves us in a stormcloud of UmEw, never to return again.

Robin: “Bette’s going to fuck the carpenter!”
Carly: “You know how she’s into those building types.”

“I’m sorry but I am really trying my best to read these terrible lines and believe in my character,
and this little charade is not helping one bit. Please leave. You ARE the weakest link.”

---

This Would Be a Better Moment for the “Leaving Los Angeles” Concept

I know what you’re thinking. Only 20 minutes have passed since Helena chugged two Dos Equis in a row, like a frat boy on his underage girlfriend’s prom night. Well, alcoholism is like that. One minute you’re a responsible drinker, and before you know it, you’re on a one-way road to a Ken Seely Intervention. Luckily, Kit is here to express her concern, but when she leaves Helena to talk to Sunset, Helena goes and starts a fight on the other side of the bar. How could anyone hit a face like that.

Kit is generally willing to endorse anyone as “belonging together.” In this case, it’s Dylan & Helena. As Kit bemoans the Dylena breakup, Sunset finally realizes that Helena is not Kit’s girlfriend and furthermore Sunset is informed by Kit that her “body, it don’t respond to its own kind.” She feels his muscles, makes some noises, and tells him, “this is what I’m talkin’ about right here.”

You know, I think Kit is a little queer. She’s not necessarily gay or bisexual, but she’s just kinda queer. You know? She’s flexible about what gender means. Which is interesting/cool.

---

Time to set up the big gallery show! James is here! Bette & Kelly are gabbing about all the cool people that are coming, and Kelly’s ex texts to say he wants to buy something-something. YES! Now we can afford THREE BABIES and a new POOL. Maybe even an “idea well” out back with some tropical birds.

Bette borrowed her shoes from Nomi Malone.
++

Even JAMES! cannot outshine the glare of terrible radiating from Jessie Spano. Every word she says is like another hamster bite to the nipple. I understand that not every character on every show needs to be cool — we need antagonists, obvs — but there are a LOT of irritating people on this show. If Kelly sat next to me on the subway, I’d switch cars at the next stop. If Kelly was in front of me in line at Pinkberry, I’d get Red Mango.

Tina calls Bette — Tina loves NYC ’cause “no-one here cares about the mystery of the stolen Lez Girls negative.” Unlike in LA, where it’s all anyone can talk about. Kelly, clearly concerned that Bette is speaking to another woman, demands Bette get off the phone for an “emergency.”

The “emergency”? With all these last minute RSVPS, they aren’t gonna have enough oysters! I’m worried that there won’t be enough arsenic for everyone who wants to die after seeing Kelly’s face.

Lesbian Squabble #24: I’m One Third Passion and I’m Two Thirds Pride

In the Ring: Bette vs. Kelly
Content:

Bette: “Are you kidding me?”
Kelly: “No, no, it’s just we’re expecting 250 people –”
Bette: “You got me off the phone with Tina to talk to me about oysters?”
Kelly: “I don’t know it’s just — the call — it seemed like it wasn’t that important. It seemed like you she was — checking up on you –”
Bette: “We don’t do that to one another. We support each other.”
Kelly: “Well, then what’s up with tonight, I mean, I don’t think that’s very supportive.”
Bette: “She would be here if she could, she has business in New York.”

++

This is our special message to Kelly.

++

Someone needs to print this Bettism onto a bumper sticker for Haviland to put on her journal: “My partner’s work is just as important to me as mine is to her, and that’s a good thing.”

Kelly’s surprised, ’cause Tina seemed like more of a “wife.” Bette says Tina’s “not a wife.” I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, and think at this point, I may as well look for meaning in a bowl of pudding. But the girls — they’re prettttty!

---

I love Jamie & I love her apartment & cute little doggie, I wish she’d been on this show from the start! In this scene, she changes her outfit while Tasha and Alice survey the premises.

Tasha & Alice admire the decor and the family photos — many of their closest friends don’t have families, let alone family photos, so this is a Big Deal. Alice helps Jamie zip up her dress. I can’t figure out who digs who. Is Tasha getting testy at the end? I feel more chemistry between Tasha & Jamie, but I’d be surprised if TFS took that turn.

It’s like come on, come on to me. And it goes …

It’s like come on …

… come on to me.

---

“You can’t touch me, but I can touch you. I’d really love to touch you.”

Bette & Kelly are talking nonsensically like, “watermelon watermelon art art watermelon donor watermelon showgirls watermelon” when Kit & Helena arrive.

This Business of Art

Kelly is like the Michael Scott of this team, except not funny and with less forehead-moving possibilities. Bette’s like,”Let’s get down to business,” and Kelly’s like, “Let’s talk about bras and eyeballs and fish food!” Kelly loves taking pictures with everyone, I think she should be wearing sunglasses at night like Andy Warhol.

Obvs Kelly wants full-lengths so she can turn ’em into somethin’ a little like this:

Better Get the Shoes!

Kit’s worried when Helena dashes for a drink, but settles to shift her attention to digging a truly quite rad painting. “Girl what are you DOING,” Kit says silently to the painting, as Sunset Boulevard — out of drag — comes to stand next to her. Kit doesn’t recognize him ’cause she is blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night. Also she’s holding a glass of wine. Sidenote.

“Wow,” Sunset says. “Those are two beautiful art dealers.” If I didn’t already know that he’s got the hots for Kit Porter, I’d say his admiration is protegè-related and not about fucking. Regardless, Kit Bitter Party Of One says he’s here to look at art, not at women, and storms off in a huff. Someone needs to give Ilene Chaiken the memo on that one. STAT. Let’s get a winged messenger, I vote for Hermes. Who’s with me! Yay!

---

Jenny gives a fabulous hello to a passerby, behavior which apparently Shane identifies as flirting and says it’s not fair for Jenny to give her shit but then flirt with every dirty old man who walks by with his wife. Jenny flicks Shane, which is perfect and exactly what I would do. “They do make a very beautiful couple,” Jenny says, admiring Kelly and Bette, “I mean they’re not a couple but they look like a couple. They’re just both … tall.” That’s pretty much the most rational argument anyone’s gonna get for any particular coupling on this show ever. You know who else is “both tall”? Shane & Molly.

---

Want some SEAFOOD? See! FOOD!

Jenny: “I don’t know how you can eat those things.”
Shane: “You don’t like them?”
Jenny: “I don’t like them because it reminds me of a guy coming in your mouth. I’m just saying.”

++

Shane: “Why- why would you try to do that to me?”
Jenny: “I just wanted to say that that’s why I don’t like them, you asked me why I don’t like them so I said — ”
Shane: “Well if that’s the case then you can kiss me ’cause you know what that tastes like.”

++

AWWWWW!!
+

---

Jamie, Alice and Tasha arrive and look blithely around the room. They quickly realize they find one another way more attractive than the pictures and the sculptures. Then Alice blesses us with a perfect line that also describes this show sometimes. Alice is cute & I Love Her.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK – Alice: “Wow, looks like a giant cat threw up, huh? Whew. So, what do you think?”

Tasha: “I don’t get it.”
Alice: “Well, it’s art.

Tasha gives Alice the look of death in response to that zinger. It’s probs about a “15” on an Amazing Scale from 1-10.

---

OH MY GOD LOOK WHO’S HERE IT’S NIKKI STEVENS THE STAR OF THE STOLEN NEGATIVE MOVIE! It’s Nikki Stevens, the fabulous star of “One Night on the Pink Ride,” a special DVD starring Nikki & Jennifer Schecter.

Nikki Stevens has arrived! Where’s SamRo? Never mind all that. Shane’s giving Nikki the look-over. They’ve got googly eyes for each other. Shane looks hot when she wants someone. Nikki looks hot because she is hot. Kelly gets photos with Nikki and Bette and generally Kelly acts like a publicity whore. Nikki approaches Shane and says “Hey, Sexy Shane,” and Shane says, “What’s up Nick,” in her “Let’s bone” voice. Shane, Shane, Shane. Shane. Ilene. Shane!

Ah. My Escape Route Has Arrived.
+

Here we are in broad daylight and rather than talk it out like a lady, Shane’s just gonna ditch Jenny to go have a meaningless fuck for no reason at all. I mean, she’s not even drunk. The sun’s still out. Shane! SHANEEE!

This won’t look good for the art gallery people. “Nikki Stevens came, said she’d had enough of the art, jetted out with that girl from the underwear ads. Yeah, the one that looks like a boy. Paltrow’s cousin. But did you see those two beautiful women? They’re so … tall.”

This show used to have a great respect for contemporary visual art. It even introduced us to many new artists. That respect has diminished considerably from prior seasons, which sucks, ’cause I liked that too.

---

Helena’s double-fisting it at the bar and Kit strides over for another shot at delivering wisdom. Rather than get sloshed in public, Helena’s gonna go home and pop an ambien. I hope they’re trying to give Helena a one-ep drinking problem. Then it’d be like Saved by the Bell and it would make sense that Elizabeth Berkley is all up in our grill.

Riese: “It’s like a lifetime movie.”
Krista: “It totally is a lifetime movie.”
Robin: “It’s like 10 lifetime movies at once.”

You Want a Lifetime Movie? We Got Your After-School Special Right Here.

---

Kit says love sucks. Sunset disagrees, and furthermore has some dark whispers about wanting Kit’s legs around his neck in the morning. Kit throws water in his face — awesome fight move. In case you’re blind like Kit, Sunset clarifies his identity by telling a stranger he works with Kit but that she only sees him as “a girlfriend.” That might be because he wears women’s clothing, who’s to say.

Kit better be careful, if she tells him that she likes donkeys he’s gonna come back in a donkey outfit, and then Sancho will need a new donkey.

---

Jenny is lost and can’t find Shane. Poor puppy. Meanwhile, the Three Musketeers are crowd-watching, and Jamie says Jenny seems damaged and she feels sorry for her. She adds that Bette & Kelly look like the ultimate power couple “finishing each other’s sentences.” I think Kelly just interrupts Bette a lot.

Then they get into a really compelling discussion about their childhoods. I would’ve loved to have seen this convo a few years ago. Now it feels more like Elizabeth Rohm’s last Law & Order episode when she gets fired and she’s like, “Is it ’cause I’m a lesbian?” and you’re like, oh, excellent, walk out the door now, perfect, anyone want an abortion, if so we can arrange for a car to hit you on the way out.

Riese: “Alice looks really bored.”
Carly: “Alice is as bored as we are.”
Robin: “This is so bad. Oh my God.”
Krista: “Seriously.”
Carly: “Alice is like — oh poor Alice. what a horrible scene.”

++

Tasha’s Dad was an asshole. He pulled macho military shit. So did Jamie’s Dad. Tasha’s Dad didn’t knock her around but he did to her brothers. The only time he paid attention to Tasha was when she got discharged and then he told her that she was a disgrace to her country. Every character in this show either has Daddy Issues or no Dad at all. Blergh, this is really interesting backstory, I wish we had the time for it. Jamie tells Tasha that she’s amazing. Alice looks like she just saw a Klingon.

Alice says she’s gotta thank Jamie, ’cause Tasha’s never opened up like that before. I guess it’s ’cause your a counselor, Alice says. Anything I can do to help, Jamie says. I think we all know how we’d like Jamie to help.

---

Apparently Nikki asked for a demonstration of photo development, ’cause Shane’s taking her to the darkroom for a step-by-step. This type of scene only works when one person walks in on another person working, not if you go to the workplace together and then the artist pretends to be working on something for your educational benefit.

Like if someone came in here with me and was like, hey turn on your computer and put on the l word, i wanna see you recap. like do you LOL as you write, or do you just laugh on the inside? To which I would answer: “Bring me some ice cream.” Actually it’s quite the opposite. In the past, whenever I’ve been involved with someone during recap season, they have done nothing but complain while I recap. Girls.

Krista: “Of course. The darkroom sex scene.”
Riese: “You know in real life it’s generally a little bit darker than that.”
Robin: “Oh my G-d. This is killing me!!”
Carly: “It’s like High Art, Robin’s favorite movie.”
Robin: “I HATE that movie.”
Carly: “Shane’s the only person on earth who doesn’t use digital in real life.”
Riese: “It’s just such a bad place to make out. There’s chemicals everywhere, usually there’s no-place to sit or lean–“

Nikki’s so impressed by all these complicated photo-making procedures. She doesn’t even care that Shane’s printing a photo of Molly. Shane cracks that Nikki was born in 2001, which is hot. Nikki calls Shane “grandpa,” which is less hot, and also foreshadowing for when Shane gets dementia. Nikki asks Shane when she took that photo of Molly. Shane doesn’t even remember. That was like last season. Everyone had a totally different personality then.

The music is softly sweetly singing something nicely as Nikki starts to kiss Shane. It’s kinda sexy …

Lesbian Sexy Moment
#9: Crazy/Beautiful
The Players: Shane and Nikki
The Pick Up:

Shane: “What are you doing?”

Nikki: “You know what I’m doing.”

++

Hot or Not? Really Shane? Really??!!!!

But before it gets too hot, Shane gets sick. She starts hurling.

Shane’s Cheating Intolerant now. Jenny put a spell on Shane, that little witch. Shane’s barfing on Molly’s photo, and Nikki’s horrified & asking if Shane’s contagious. Shane tells Nikki to shut up. Wow. It’s sort of an ugly moment, the moment when two people who were just about to fuck admit that they don’t actually care about one another as people, or respect each other, at all. Nikki dashes. Shane keeps vomiting. Shane should turn her vomit into a work of art.

---

Bette’s paying the babysitter. Babysitting sure is expensive these days. Then guess who shows up, Kelly, who appears to have walked there in a mumu, ’cause she’s just so excited about the big night that she needs to continue to celebrate. She sort of doesn’t listen to Bette ever, and Bette is clearly not happy about this surprise houseguest.

Carly: “This is horrifying.”
Krista: “She’s so 90s! She embodies the 90s!”
Robin: “Get her out of this show!”

I’ll see you in rehab, Peabody.

---

Jenny’s been looking everywhere for Shane – Truck Stop, Santa Monica — she asked every sex worker on Santa Monica if they’d seen a gender-confused under-nourished teenage boy anywhere … but then Shane calls back to tell Jenny she’s sick and Jenny rushes to her aid, and then, we see maybe what Shane needs from Jenny — Shane needs someone who will never leave, no matter what. She thought Jenny was that kind of friend, and maybe she’s hoping Jenny will be that kind of girlfriend. She doesn’t know that Jenny has been retconned.

It’s a lot like a box. But you’ll never have to go at it alone again. Jenny will love Shane 4evs and evs.

---

Then things take a turn for the even worse, as we return to Casa Bettina and Spano’s surprise party.

Pre-Party:

++

++

This scene made my eyes and ears bleed. Kelly talks crazy. For a moment she engages Bette in an awkward dance, I think it’s called the Stomach Turn. Kelly spills her drink. Kelly cannot speak normally for more than one second without breaking into a bizarre animalistic high-pitched wail.

I Learned this Dance From AC Slater, Hot Mama

Kelly wants to cash in a rain check for their special love-makin’ from college. Kelly canceled her Bette Loveathon ’cause of the rain? That’s so lame. Blame it on the rain. Kelly tries to kiss Bette, and Bette says no. “That expired 15 years ago,” Bette says brilliantly, and when Kelly keeps pushing, Bette adds: “Read it closely.” Kelly keeps going, she can’t help herself, and I can’t help myself, I have to say it, I just have to, I’m sorry, but it’s just so fucking perfect, I can’t stop it …

Carly: “Fuck me right me in the ear. Just fuck me in the ear.”

When Kelly keeps pushing and then goes in for the makeout, Bette goes for the takeout.

++

Wentworth knocks over the champagne. “Nice work, Wentworth,” Bette says. She doesn’t mean it, she means “bad work.”See you guys I told you that Bette would never cheat again. Also, she’s pretty smooth with Kelly. Shane & Bette win awards for acting stoically in the faces of insanity this season, I guess.

---

On the Night I Die I Swear I’ll Sleep Outside Your Window

Then, just across the barricades, Jenny says goodnight to Shane. Shane thanks her and Jenny says she’ll always take care of Shane. Unless she dies or whatever. Jenny begins to tiptoe back to somewhere (the kitchen for a Pop Tart probs) and what does she see —

Jenny sees something across the way and by the look on her face I’m pretty sure she doesn’t see what we see … I mean … all I see is Bette cleaning up a broken glass from the floor while Kelly sits on the table.

This scene is very “cheap sitcom noir,” it reminds me of something Screech and Zach might pull. TFS would never do that. I’m gonna give Ilene the benefit of the doubt and assume that Jenny must see something we don’t see, e.g., dead people. Or um …

Is it her imaginary friend Teen Angel played by Jason Priestly? You know, that mini-show within The Mickey Mouse Club?
++

My imaginary friend Drop Dead Fred?

++

BeetleJuice! THAT DUDE IS FREAKY!!
++

++

jk.

++

I jk!

++

---

Carly: “That’s 57 minutes of my life I’m not getting back.”
Riese: “– and when this thing goes up on YouTube I’m gonna go on there and comment YOU JUST WASTED 57 MINS OF MY LIFE. WHERE’S THE TITS?!!!”

The Round-Up
Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this ep, 24 total

Lesbian Sexy Moments: 2 this ep, 8 total

Quote of the Week: Alice
On a Scale of One to Ten: IT SUCKED. I have weird moments now where I actually think it wasn’t that bad. I’m losing my headskull. It was really well directed, I think. Some good one-liners. Straws. That’s what I’m grasping for. Straws. Little lesbian straws.

Close your eyes and think about puppets — I mean — muppets!

Also if you don’t already know this, you’ve been missing out — you can follow the United States of Autostraddle’s twitter feeds: @thusspokejenny, @call_me_max, @alicethechart, @betteporter, @nikki_stevens, @mama_ti, @itsjustshane. Oh and also my Alpha Personality, @autowin.

The L Word Episode 605 Recap: Litmus Test

This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight, but there is a LOT OF MESSED UP FORMATTING and missing pictures.

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Hi-Ho the Dairy-O! Welcome to the recap of Episode 605: “Litmus Test.” Yeah, we saw it. Yeah it was mad long, yeah I just went to Hit club and Nikki Stevens hit on me, I was like back off bitch ’cause I can’t go anywhere, and I’m pregnant, and my house has two stories, well not yet but it’s gonna, yeah I killed Jenny, how you like me now, yeah? Have you voted for This Girl Called Automatic Win for Best Personal Blog for The Lezzies yet? Voting ends Wednesday night, and if I don’t win then I am pulling a J.D. Salinger on everyone.

Today’s viewing party included Robin, mememe, A;ex and Carlytron, otherwise known as LITMUS TEST, the hot new girl band straight out of SAN DIMAS CALIFORNIA! Caitlin and Natalie also participated but are not pictured.

Angela Robinson wrote & directed this week’s episode, so we knew that although many things would happen, none of these things would be terrible. I wonder if AR requests not to write any of the Max episodes. Maybe Ilene just wants them all to herself so she can unleash her full transphobic fury upon him.

---

Let’s start this episode out at The Planet for a change, where Tibette — unable to function at home w/all the construction noise [yes, the same noise that Jenny so ridiculously complained about — not so ridiculous now, huh?] and unable to ply the house-bangers with free hugs & breakfast — have moved their office & plentiful stock of office supplies to a centrally located table. Alice and Helena, confused about why they chose to sit at the Staples Clearance Table to read silently, look on; annoyed.

Carly: “Someone’s about to hate Jenny and want to kill her … oh wow, they brought the entire office there.”
Riese: “There was a sale at Office Max on highlighters okay?”
Carly: “Every color is represented.”
Riese: “They have staplers there you guys in case anyone wants to print out a longer document –”
Carly: “If anyone wants to collate anything just uh, take the stapler …”
Riese: “Where’s MILTON ?”

Oh! Here he is!!

Tina learns that Jenny has just sold her screenplay, which apparently no-one knew she was writing, for half a million dollars. Never fear, there’s a lesson to be learned here:

Tina: “Goes to show ya — she was depressed, someone stole her movie right out from under her, and she just sat back down and banged out another script, just cranked it out.”

She’s right about that. Everyone get that? It just goes to show ya’ — next time you move to LA to be with your swim coach boyfriend, uncover lifelong lesbian longings via a literary-minded French seductress, get caught by your boyfriend, get married to your boyfriend in Vegas, road-trip back home on ‘shrooms, discover your French lover’s Sugar Mama’s back in town, break up with the boyf and the girlf, move into your ex-husband’s vacated home, get lady-lover Shane to move in and consequently date her cast-off DJ Carmen though you’ve got nothing in common, find out Carmen still wants Shane via an accidental viewing of your other roommate’s hidden camera videos, have childhood sexual abuse flashbacks, take up stripping, take up cutting, go to a mental institution for six months, go home to Illinois, fight with parents, meet a still-closeted trans guy who was presenting as a butch lesbian and take him back to LA, get yelled at a lot while he freaks out on testosterone, break up because you don’t want to date a man, write two novels, get one bad review, get revenge on bad reviewer by psychologically manipulating her veterinarian girlfriend by killing a dying dog, get caught, get a movie deal and consequently get embroiled in conflicts about said movie deal, disappear on a raft with your dog, come back rich with an assistant, hook up with your film’s Rising Starlette and consequently get kicked off the film when your duplicitous assistant leaks a sex tape to the production team and your girlfriend doesn’t go with you so you break up with her only to find her fucking your best friend (who you’re now in love with) at the film’s wrap party —

— if that ever happens to you, ladies — just sit back down and bang out another script. Just CRANK THAT SHIT OUT. Let me graphic that out for ya:

Tina explains the plot — surprise! — it’s Alice’s plot. Look — I gotta hand it to Jenny — stealing that concept and transforming it into a bidding-war-worthy screenplay within a week? Pretty awesome. Maybe Alice could’ve done a little more writing and a little less Jamie-ing. HOWEVS, Jenny should’ve either given Alice story credit or a slice of the payout. She wouldn’t be legally required to do so, but it’d be the ethical thing to do for a friend.

But um, I actually have a play on my computer that I wrote in 2005 called “You’re So Good,” and it’s a crime story/comedy about a cop who’s dating an actress who gets embroiled in a crime plot relating to her other job … etc etc … well, you know. Weird, right? Well, I like to take my morning swim in the Idea Well.

Tina, apparently also completely unawares that this idea is not simply Alice’s idea, but also Alice’s LIFE, describes the movie as: “sort of like Mr. and Mrs. Smith — except that this is gonna be huge!” Unlike Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that little indie film no-one saw. Alice takes this pretty well. She could’ve threatened to kill Jenny, but instead she calmly finishes reading the paper, drinks some tea, and paints everyone’s toenails blue. Oh wait NM. She says Jenny is “so fucking dead.” Interesting.

---

 

Riese: “Oh my G-d you guys! There’s blood coming out of Jenny’s mouth in the opening credits! I just realized!”
Carly: “We should have seen this coming. All the signs were there.”

[Editor’s Note: I now realize upon closer inspection that it’s not blood coming out of her mouth but a beaded red necklace which I can only conclude is supposed to look a lot like blood.]

---

Lesbian Squabble #18: Repeat, Repeat The Words I Know You Totally Said

In the Ring: Jenny vs. Alice.

Content: Alice reminds Jenny that she described Alice’s treatment as “boring” and “unsellable” but has now apparently “sold” it. At the 4:42 mark, the word “contrived” doesn’t match up with Alice’s lip movements — probs “contrived” was dubbed over “a lot like something Ilene Fucking Chaiken would do.” Jenny doesn’t think Alice’s “mish-mash of ideas” counts as an idea, and if the screenplay Jenny’s toiled over for many months bears a “resemblance” to Alice’s idea, it’s a coincidence.

Alice’s reaction to Ilene’s latest “Let’s make people hate Jenny” idea bears a “resemblance” to ours, but that’s probs just a coincidence. We all drink from the same well of loathing and loneliness:

Bob is always all up in my screenshots at pivotal moments.
I guess as the director of photography he can do that.
OR MAYBE BOB ASCHMANN KILLED JENNY?

Jenny: “It’s something called the idea well. There is a well. All of the writers drink from the same fountain, okay? But, it takes genius, talent, craftsmanship, to take a tiny kernel of an idea and turn it into — da-da! — a sellable screenplay!”

[I’m gonna take that as the QUOTE OF THE WEEK, because it’s so ironic!]

Certainly there’s worse things you could get from drinking at the same fountain, like scurvy or dysentery. Just saying.

Robin: “I just can’t get over Jenny’s hair, it’s distracting.”
Carly: “It’s like three different lengths at once.”
Alex: “I love it.”

Apparently Shane — who is no longer a friend of Alice’s if Shane continues to ‘shack up’ with this “conniving snake” — purchased this unflattering tank top in every color:

Shane is torn between Alice and Jenny an I am torn between Shane being unconditionally hot and Shane wearing this shirt.

Who Wins? No-one! If I were Judge Judy, and sometimes I believe that I am, I’d order Jenny to take Alice out to dinner. They could talk about similar interests — e.g., cops, talk shows, and screenplays.

---

Alice returns post-field-trip to The Planet, where Tina & Bette have still not started eating those little cups of fresh fruit sitting RIGHT ON THE TABLE that look delicious to me ’cause I’m poor and can’t afford fresh fruit.

Ah, now it’s time to open up the “Big Book of Lesbian Lingo IFC Wants to Invent.” Surprisingly enough “third wheel crush” ranks with “nipple confidence” as something I’ll probably never say again. [Sidenote: Remember how we decided — after hearing it said — that we’d make “Really Papi? Really?” into a popular element of the lesbian lexicon? In fact, it’s now so ubiquitous that I bet most of y’all are getting all Alicey on me, thinking “no way, you egotistical maniac, you are NOT the one who spun that IFC straw into gold, it is NOT because of you. You did not do that it was NOT your idea.” Also. Kittisms? Holler. But it was me (and Haviland) I totes promise, research it. For fun. What am I TALKING ABOUT? I’m just saying that the terms that stick are never the ones she WANTS to stick.]

Alex: “I would like to point out Bette’s nice shirt. Do more like that one.”
Carly: “I would like to point out Alice’s disturbing — dress?”
Riese: “That thing looks like a potholder I made at the JCC.”

Though Alice oh-so-adorably denies that she and Tasha are feeling anything deeper than ‘friend love” for Jamie (who’s “AWESOME”), Bette & Tina press on, probs speaking from experience after Tina fell for Candace Bette fell for Henry Tina fell for Jodi okay I don’t know where they got this idea from. OH! The Idea Well.

JK! Bette & Tina have experienced this themselves with Sallie [Mae probs] and “Go-Go Lisa,” whom they met at the Little Bratz Convention. Apparently this syndrome strikes bored & fighting couples in need of [vaginal] rejuvenation and is ruined when one person falls in love. On second thought I’ve been in these situations before in my twilight youthful days, always boy-girl-girl though, not girl-girl-girl. Perhaps I will use this term again thank you Ms. Robinson.

Bette advises: “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself” just in time for Kit to show up. What’s happening

Now that the Judging Party is done critiquing Alice, they move on to Helena and her impending dinner with Dylan. Much like us, they’re probs concerned that Helena & Dylan will have nothing to talk about ’cause Dylan has no personality and Helena’s personality has changed completely since the affair.

Helena says that ever since she’s learned that Dylan thinks Helena is the love of her life, Dylan has colonized her brain. It’s not what you’re like, it’s what you like, a wise person once wrote, and when “what you like” is “memememememe!!!!” — well, that’s the best interest of all, isn’t it? There’s nothing more attractive than the look on someone’s face when they think you’re the best thing ever. Especially when it’s someone who once made you feel precisely the opposite. Always better to think it was too much love that hurt you rather than not enough.

Basically this is what Helena’s dealing with:

Option A: 100% Certainty of Broken-Heart Forever Pain
Option B: 50% chance of heart transplant, 50% chance of super-sized-additional broken-heart-forever pain, 100% chance of hot sex.

Alice: “You guys, what if we thought of a test that would prove once and for all if Dylan was a sleazy, gold digging opportunist, or — is she this misunderstood reformed filmmaker who just happened to get wrapped up with the wrong guy who made her steal all that money?”

Carly: “… And now we are setting up for the montage.”
Riese: “I want like, a girl with a notebook like Harriet the Spy –”
Carly: ” ..and then all their heads pop up out of the door–”
Riese: “What’s going on the camera is being weird.”
Natalie: “I’m dizzy.”

So GIRLS, LISTEN UP! They’re gonna find out if Dylan is just a money-grubbing asshole [C’mon, give Helena a little credit, girls!] by putting Nikki on her & promising great opportunities for career success. Anyhow if some smokin’ hot girl got all up on my grill offering me a huge advance on my special literary novel and all I had to do was flirt back to cinch the deal and I was really into Helena but we weren’t back together yet — you’d basically have to be a Zen Master to turn that shit down. But you know. The Recession.

“Don’t you just really wanna know who you’re dealing with?” Tina says. “Once and for all?” Eh, given the choice between mastering the art of French Cooking and finding out more about Stonehenge Moreland … yah! Let’s do this thing! It has to be tonight!! Cue Team Plotting Music!!

Go Team Montage!

---

Alice voiceovers the plan from here on out, obvs practicing for the cartoon voiceover career Jenny suggested.

Shane pays Nikki a visit at her new job in Colonial Williamsburg on the set of Felicity: An American Girl Story to rope her into the plan. Nikki wants to know what’s in it for her. Will she get her old personality back? A magical mystery tour of Shane’s tonsils? Unlimited Tanning at Sunset Tan for the rest of the summer?

Nah. Just the knowledge she’s “helping a friend.” Have Helena & Nikki ever spoken? Nikki can think of more fun ways to help Shane. That’s the old Shane, Nikki. She already threw out the t-shirt she was wearing that night, you guys are over, she’s with the Princess of Darkness now. Over Jenny’s Dead Body you’ll get Shane — OMG!

---

This is Jenny at her bestest — imitating Nikki’s manager with trademark psychotic charm: “Nikki Stevens is hot hot hot she is turbo hot she is so hot I’m getting hot flashes!” while Tina oh-so-cutely coaches Jenny to tell Dylan about meeting at Hit, all the money involved, and that Nikki “fuckin’ loves” Dylan’s documentaries.” I have a feeling Tina’s little “Nikki is a whippersnapper” dance is gonna make it onto a few Tibette.com avatars this week.

Dylan passes Stage One with flying colors. When money’s brought up, she deflects and after making the date with Nikki, she calls Helena to make sure it’s okay and confirms that they’re still on for dinner. “Unless you get a better offer,” Helena says, and then hangs up. Is there a better offer than Helena’s arms, torso, face, legs, feet, hands and from time to time her brain? Not really. So I think dinner is a Go.

---

Jenny’s lying in bed with her … planner? Probs counting down all the shit she’s gotta do before she dies next week.

Shane interrupts Jenny’s Too Much To Do List party and Jenny’s glad to see her. Shane slides right on top of Jenny … they kiss, they’re cute, Jenny’s legs go up, Shane’s hips press in … and a few minutes of small talk reveal that Shane has SEEN NIKKI! Jenny’s all like; “huh.” Shane then dashes immediately to the bathroom to brush her teeth [Shane’s like a Toothbrushing Zendo], an act she apparently prefers to do post-, rather than pre-, coitus/makeout.

Jenny follows her into the bathroom to um … brush her bangs … you know, whatever she needs to do to justify being in the bathroom. Next she’ll just wash her hands … floss … cut her cuticles …

Lesbian Squabble #19: I Think You’re Mistaking Me For Problems With You

In the Ring: Shane vs. Jenny

Content: Jenny forbids Shane to see Nikki. “I’m with you,” Shane insists, and furthermore she’s not 12 (that’s the default age for immaturity) and will do what she wants. You can kinda hear Jenny’s voice break when she says that obviously Shane can do whatever she wants [what she means by that is: “But I want you to want to do what I want you to do”] “Oh Can I?” Shane asks, doubting. YEAH! You CAN! Jenny says, hitting the notes over-the-top to stop herself from doing what she clearly wants to do, which is curl up into a tiny ball and cry.

Jenny: “That girl betrayed us in the most fundamental of ways. She threatened to destroy the foundation of our relationship that we have created over so many hears and I hate her. I hate her so much for that. And … out of loyalty to me, you should hate her too.”

Urm, I have a feeling that much like the writers and 75% of The L Word‘s fan base … Shane had no idea that she and Jenny had been building a foundation for a relationship over the years. [Personally I think there were many moments & plenty of promise & suggestion, but that it didn’t fully tip in Jenny’s mind from friends to lovers ’til last season.]

Shane points out that Nikki was “profoundly in love” with Jenny, and if anyone is wrong here, it’s Shane. Shane loves taking the blame, she’s got a Blame Fetish. Man, Dan Foxworthy could go to town on this relationship. In his wet dreams.

Finally, Shane asks us the half-a-million dollar question: “What is WRONG with you?” (Unfortunately only one person can answer that question, I.F.C.). Well, it makes Jenny “uncomfortable” and she doesn’t think she’s being unreasonable to think Nikki’s trying to seduce Shane. I guess it’s always easier to blame the one you’re not still hoping to sleep with. Jenny does the RedRum voice to say Shane needs to make changes so this relationship will be different. Shane thinks Jenny needs to back off.

Just when even the most devoted Jenny Fan is about to fucking throw in the towel, Jenny does something magical. She emerges, cups her hands around her mouth and shouts: “OKAY! I WAS WRONG! I’m wrong! I’m wrong and I need to learn how to trust you!”

… followed by, when Shane returns, a behind-the-door peek: “Shane? Hi.” See guys, she’s just insecure. Shane also says that “I have to trust you” is all she wanted to hear. Shane’s often kinda casual about being in a relationship she’s not totally into. Shane rarely outright suggests a breakup, she just rolls unhappily along, waiting to cheat and mess shit up.

Unfortunately, although two young women stand here before you tonight, one will be eliminated. She will have to pack her bags immediately and leave Vancouver. Episode 609: Leaving Vancouver. They should make a movie about Van Couver vs. Van Wilder vs. My Mom’s Mini Van vs. Your Mom’s Mini-Van. That would be a good show.

---

If this scene is anything besides a 20/20 Investigative Report with Diane Sawyer about the dangers of botox injections, then I will feel completely exploited.

Oh. It’s still The L Word. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track. Zomg, I cannot stand to hear Kelly speak!! This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do for The L Word. Close second to the oft-mentioned Hike on Dana Mountain and Angus fucking the Nanny.

This whole scene, this woman, it’s just stupid. You know, it’s possible to write a show that contains less than 64 plot lines per episode. Sometimes people can just be quiet, or …. naked!!! La la LA!!!!!

“Bette, you never told me your partner was such a firecracker!” the male artist says. Kelly says something about Bette being the one that got away. Okay I have to watch this on mute. Oh good, it looks like Kelly annoys Bette too, Bette’s telling her new partner to take it down a notch. If only Bette had been in the room for the forehead procedure, then she could’ve given that same advice and saved us all the treachery.

I’m taking screenshots of Kelly’s eyes! They’re freaking me out! I think she’s the Poltergeist:

blergh.

I guess she’s saying omg, Bette’s so hot, she can do anything, anything you can do she can do better, she can do anything better than you. I can pick this up on mute, I have superpowers. Hm. Spano is being an idiot, obvs. The theme of the evening is NO BORES.

Riese: “That is NOT a theme. That is NOT cowboy night.”
Carly: “That does not count, we need a theme like Pirates, or Gay Pride.”

Kelly missed her big opportunity with Bette and now Bette’s with the “lovely Tina Kennard.” Everything about this conversation is hurting the very threads that hold my soul together. Bette is Kelly’s “one that got away.” Kelly actually asks Tina if it bothers her that she flirts shamelessly with her girlfriend. Tina totally trashes her with cool, clever charm. If I wasn’t morally opposed to this storyline, Tina’s rebuttal would be a strong contender for quote of the week.

See! Tina’s annoyed, just like us:

Tina says that Bette knows if she ever cheated on Tina, it would be THE END. Because if she did that, everyone on Tibette.com would die, and all the crying emoticons would flood the world, and it’d be like Noah’s Ark, but with lesbians.

Spano looks like she’s going to marinate Tina in barbeque sauce and feed her to her fried chicken babies before she eats them.

Just Wait ‘Til the Dance Contest, Beeotch. Me & AC WILL SMOKE YOU ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Did someone say AC Slater?

Spano says she’s wet for Bette, Tina says Spano leave us alone go to the backroom at Hit, Spano says “I suckle pickled goldfish in my car!” and then, lighting flashes! The room sets on fire! From backstage, The Hot DJ Carmen emerges with her bodyguard, played by Marcus Allenwood, Sperm Donator Extraordinaire. Who’s that? It’s Jodi! She starts dancing. Max’s baby is born and it is a real unicorn, and Dana comes back, marries Alice, and they have babies who play with Angelica, and Angelica’s two mommies are in love forevs, and everyone becomes really good singers, then forms a girl-band called LITMUS TEST and they all make millions, and then the sky explodes! TA DAAAAA!!!!!!!!

That’s it. See you next week!

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

Just kidding. I jest. Blergh. Aaron & William are at dinner and Tina freaks out ’cause she wasn’t invited. This used to happen to me all the time in elementary school with birthday parties. It’s just ’cause you’re so smart everyone is intimidated by you, Tina, that’s what my Mom always told me. That’s how people in Hollywood know that they’re fired, Tina says. OOO that’s sneaky. She shouldn’t have gone to the restaurant, if she hadn’t gone she wouldn’t have gotten fired.

I’ve noticed that sometimes in Season Six, these people annoy me the same way that Scrubs annoys me. Sometimes I just feel like … there’s no more art in it. Rarely. It used to be … honest. Now, even though it knows that we know, and that we’re watching — it lies to itself sometimes.

However — visually, this episode is dead-on. It looks really good.

Lesbian Squabble #20: News Broke Today So We’re Not Talking
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Alice, with Shane apparently implicated by association.
Content: Alice is still mad at Jenny about the screenplay, Shane is in trouble for not revolting against Emily the Strange.

They’re twins!
+

Jenny Moment: “Alice please, please just stop acting like a child. I did not steal your idea, Alice was it your idea when the terrorist has a nuclear weapon and blew up the building, was it your idea when the hero of the romantic comedy has to rush to the wedding to have to stop his beloved from getting married, oh was Beverly Hills Cop your idea too?”

Alice should be like; “No it wasn’t, but Troop Beverly Hills TOTALLY WAS. Cuntface.”

Alice says that even though Shane is buying into Jenny’s act, she isn’t. She says to stay away before she fucking kills her.

And there … ladies and gentlemen … we have EXHIBIT A. Audiotape from the Big Brother Studio, Alice is declaring intent and motive!!

Oh! But now it’s time for the spy mission. Dylan has arrived. This won’t be like the last time Helena watched a secret Dylan video.

We’ve gone from Where’s my Willy …

… to Where’s Waldo?

[I’d like to turn this into a graphic like “The Mentalist,” but I only have so much time.]

Nikki reports for duty, exchanges a cute smile with Shane because she psychically knows where the cameras are, thus is the depth of their connection, Jenny’s peeved that Nikki’s got Shane’s number and Shane is like whatevs. Oh, relationships! The lovely dynamic between the “Controlling Girl Who Will Never Leave You” and the “I’m Gonna Do What I Want Anyway Girl Who Will Leave in a Minute” = eternal fighting. Shane’s pretty good at handling Jenny. It’d be even sweeter if Shane was handling this Undercover Mission like she did with Lara in Season One. That moment changed my life. Seriously. It did. When she talked about the berries? zomg.

Anyhow, no more Shane. Now we have lovely li-lo lipstick lesbian with her goldilocks. She’s off to discover The Truth About Dylan. I hope it’s more exciting than what we know already.

“You’re gonna have to come here and FIGHT me!”

I love the way this shot is set up. Visually.

Dylan’s frankly so surprised that Nikki’s here to talk to her. Dylan resists Nikki’s icebreaker topic — “Nikki made out with a beautiful woman on this very couch.” Nikki’s probs referring to Aiden from South of Nowhere, they had a thing.

---

Back at Sam Shady’s Jazz Lounge, Bette & Tina are wearing stunning outfits and yelling at Aaron, who’s now evolved from being your standard-issue douchebag into being your standard-issue Chaikenbaked Homophobe. Bette is gonna do what needs to be done. That’s right! She’s going to show us her boobs! I mean, her balls!

Aaron: “Bette! “It’s Bette, right?”
Bette: “It’s Aaron, right? The bald impotent worm we’ve all been talking about? It is fucking stupifying to me how you can sit here with Martine, Susan — Tina’s writers, right?”
Tina: [appropriately employing the jaw clench for the first time ever] “What are you doing?”

Tina: “I do not need you to defend me. I’m perfectly capable of speaking for myself.”
Bette: “I know. I’m sorry.”
Aaron: [from his little perch on hell hill] “I am so happy to be done with dykes.”
Tina: “What did you say?”
Aaron: “I said I am so happy. To be done. With dykes.”

Oh not so fast, Aaron …

Tina: “You stupid fucking cocksucker. How dare you sit there with that smug little smile on your face and wine and dine with my writers on a project that it took me three years to put together. As if you had anything — anything! to do with it. He said you [looks at writers] were talentless hacks and I begged him — I begged him! — to hire you. I have put everything into this film, I put my heart and my soul and my talent into making you both look good time and time again and how do you repay me? By stealing my contacts, and icing me.”
Aaron: “Tina, keep your voice down.”
Tina: “Shut your PIEHOLE Aaron, I have never in all my life worked for such a idiotic mindless cruel pathetic loser of a human being such as you. You are soulless. and you are everything about fucking Hollywood that I hate.”

YEAH! TAKE THAT!

Carly: “Who is that? Why Tina she talking like that?”
Riese: “That’s Bette. Everyone’s scripts got mixed up this episode and Tina started reading Bette’s lines.”

Then Tina accuses William of stealing the negative — Tina loses a point for using a Jenny theory against a powerful man. Before their grand exit, Bette gives them the send-off glance of success:

Let’s recap. Just to show Aaron how low-drama dykes are, Bette has yelled at him during dinner, was interrupted by Tina who had feelings about expressing her own feelings and wanted to do it herself and then she did, and then Bette knocked back a head toss of glory and well, dykes, they sure can yell and they sure do look pretty in those outfits.

Do Bette’s conflict management methods work for anyone besides us? I mean, we love a good Bette-on-fire, but um … she keeps getting fired. For someone so brill and on top of her shit, she sure does butt heads with upper-management quite frequently.

---

Back at The Stakeout, Dylan’s still holding up, even when Nikki starts talking nonsense about Attonement and how bad this girl looked in a “Cold Dry Place” or something, I don’t remember, probs it’s what Dylan has nicknamed her vadge.

Dylan: “She let herself look awful because that’s what the character required. I mean she was real and compelling and riveting.”
Nikki: “Oh my God you are so right, I mean that’s brilliant. If you think about it, if you wanna win an Oscar, you have to either play ugly, retarded or a lesbian — and I’ve already played a lesbian. SO!”

Alice: “I’ve totally said that before.”
Shane: “It’s true.”

[so cute! Alice & Shane’s interactions here are all very cute.]

Shane’s admiring Nikki’s moves like Micheal Jordan observing a young Allen Iverson. Shane says Nikki’s about to go in for it. How does she know? “Rope-a-Dope”! You know, like how Nikki just hung back and let Dylan punch her until she got exhausted, and now she’s gonna retaliate and fly like a butterfly sting like a bee! I’m actually not sure how Rope-a-Dope applies to this situation, Nikki’s primary technique appears to be “being sexy.”

“I tend to always be attracted to older women,” says Nikki. Me too! We have so much in common. Jenny exclaims: “Awwh — fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!” Alas, Dylan rebuffs her — it’s “unethical” for an actor and a director to get involved. Alice to Jenny: “bet you didn’t get that memo, huh?” Jenny to Alice: “Fuck off!

Dylan is IN THE CLEAR! The girls clap, and Helena is absolutely petrified. This means she has to creak open the little latch to her heart, and let someone in. And that “someone” has very, very strange hair.

We have mixed feelings about this.

---

Our damsel heads to the dance floor to ask Dylan if they’d like to go somewhere quiet to talk. E.g., between Dylan’s thighs! If she presses her thighs together, Helena’s ears will get smushed and that’ll be so much quieter. Dylan says she came back to LA ’cause she’s madly in love with Helena. That’s crazy talk. I don’t even know what to do with that.

---

Tasha’s wearing that Free City tank top she wore yesterday. Well, hell, if I spent $130 dollars on a tank top, I guess I’d wear it every day too. I like it when Leisha dances. Tasha’s really cute about not being a great dancer. Yay! Let’s dance! I love pretty girls! Go Go Gadget Threesome!

The laughter! The smiling! The smooth radiant sexiness!

She won’t be left dancing alone to songs from the past. Or will she?

---

Jenny is looking very Emily the Strange watching all the happy girls dance and is also totally open about her complete psychosis when Shane snatches her phone back from Jenny’s prying thumbs. What were you doing, reading my texts? Shane asks. Yes, Jenny responds. Nikki has your digits now, woman, so who knows what she could be saying. She could be updating you about Tiffy like every five seconds.

I’m pretty sure Shane’s number is printed under LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME? CALL — in a few stalls of a few girl bars in a few areas of West Hollywood, it’s not exactly private information.

Shane tells Alice that Jenny is driving her crazy and she wants Alice to keep Jenny busy so she can go outside and smoke. Jenny has a little panic attack that there won’t be anyone nearby who she can bestow the crazy upon without getting scolded/called out. “Five minutes Jen. Five,” Shane says, looking like if a bus offered to take her to Tarrytown in five minutes, she’d probs get on it and never come back, just like my first wife.

Moooooo.

---

Why did Dylan & Helena have such a passionate affair again? If there was any doubt about Dylan’s lesbionic tendencies they have now been confirmed because as soon as Dylena descend upon Dylan’s freshly-IKEA’D palace, she suggests they just talk about their feelings.

Helena’s gonna do that thing that she so often does where instead of developing a personality, she simmers in pensive silence, dismisses the superficial content of your backstory-related conversation and consequently lays one on the smacker. How mean when Dyan’s trying to tell you all about her feeeelings! About rubber monkeys! Don’t you want to KNOW HER or do you just want her for HER BODY? I think I like Dylan & Helena both better when they’re power-hungry, conflicted and dangerous.

Helena: “I don’t really know what I’m doing here.”

Riese: “Me neither, because we didn’t see the car ride –”
Caitlin: “–or how you got there!”
Carly: “We do not know the logisitics.”

This is the part that happens right before they start nibbling at each other like goldfish.

Carly: “Helena’s like ABORT ABORT!”
+

Carly: “They’re gonna do it!”
Riese: “I hope so. ‘Cause this is boring.”
Carly: “We tried following the plot –”
Riese: “– but there wasn’t one!”
Alex: “Where’d that light come from? What happened?”
Carly: “Are we shooting through a gauzy curtain again? WHY?!”
Natalie: “It’s like search lights from a helicopter or something.”
Robin: “There’s the bus soundtrack –”
Cait: “Oh! There’s the motorcycle noise.”
Carly: “Oh my God OHMYGOD I just figured out what’s happening with the search lights! There’s gonna be an arrest ’cause the cops were looking for Helena and they finally figured out where she is and they’re gonna come get her!”
Riese: “The search for the stolen booty is OVER!”

As Dylan & Helena make out, we are treated to a full soundtrack of urban and jungle noises. Helicopters, motorcyces, traffic, police sirens. Children dying, waterfalls, monkeys chirping in the sage brush, buildings exploding, Jenny falling in the pool …

Riese: “Maybe it’s just our copy and in the final airing it’ll have the new song by EZ Girl, “Dylan and Helena fucking.”
Carly: “The Dylan and Helena having sex after not seeing each other for a long time –”
Caitlin: “– on the couch Re-Mix.”

---

Outside in the alley, Shane runs into rising star Nikki Stevens, looking lovely in the moonlight. They share a cig, and Shane thanks her for her work with Dylan. Nikki says it was “fun” and Shane responds wistfully, “I can imagine.” It reminds me of her reaction to the Papi Showdown of ’07 — Oh My Pimptaculous Youth/I’m a Big Girl Now/Damn I Wish I Was Everyone’s Lover. It would’ve been funny to see Shane try and seduce Dylan. Hopefully she’d start out by offering her a haircut.

When Nikki says she thought Shane’s AM set-visit meant she was interested in finishing what she started at Yamashiro, Shane apologizes for accidentally leading her on and adds that, “if Jenny wasn’t in the picture, maybe things would be different.” How did Nikki not already know Shane & Jenny were together? She’s on Twitter and Facebook. Just saying.

Nikki: “Hey if it uh doesn’t work out between the two of you — you know where to find me.”

+
Nikki’s just gonna stay right there and wait, with her glowy perfect skin and Pantene-clean hair.

Robin: “Are girls really this hung up on Shane?”
Riese: “It’s the nipple confidence.”

Since when is she legitimately interested in Shane for more than a fuck? Since when is Shane interested in Nikki? Hasn’t she slept with enough pretty girls already? I imagine Nikki’s heart is breaking in all kinds of directions. I think she wanted to be a better person — a smarter person, a deeper person — but instead her upwardly-intellectually-mobile affair with Jenny became quite Sisyphean. Nikki always wanted more, I think. Like from life or whatever.

---

I kinda think Jenny is so socially undeveloped that she honestly thinks it’s okay for friends to treat each other like assholes in business and still be friends. Um, except for when it’s time to storm off the set of Lez Girls, when friendship comes before business. Oh G-d, I’m trying to understand why Jenny does what she does. What am I thinking? Speaking of Sisyphean tasks.

Lesbian Squabble #21: You Were So Hard on Me, You’re so Tragedy, and You Were Hard on Me, You Might Be Dead

In the Ring: Jenny vs. “The Three Musketeers” (Tasha, Jamie, Alice)
Content: Jamie & Tasha yell at Jenny ’cause Jenny stole their chickens & pigs and sold them on the black market for gold. Jenny says it’s a chicken-eat-cow business and what can you do? How dare she steal Alice’s idea! Well, it’s not an original idea says Jenny! Oh! There’s Shane! Let’s get Shane embroiled in this little mess, shall we? Pick a side Shane!
Who Wins: Jamie, for infusing the Battling Duo with the energy and enthusiasm they need to dance all night long regardless of who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

---

Lesbian Squabble #22: You Plead With Me, Shout Scream, Tell Me I’m Staying

In the Ring: Jenny vs. Shane
Content: Let me tell you, NOTHING compares to a public fight at a girl-bar!
How could you leave me there with them! Jenny exclaims. Were you fucking Nikki Stevens? Shane says stop being paranoid! You’re putting me in a box! Fuck you! No, fuck you! Waaa! Blerrgggh! Phooey! Asshole! RAAAAHHH! Shane doesn’t want Jenny to do that thing she does when she gets controlling and judgy! Christ! Fuck you! I hate you! I love you! Fine! Don’t put me in a box! Look at me in my box! It makes me wanna act out! I’m like cereal or a present from Santa! Jenny turns to go! Shane apologizes!
*
[Shane! You can’t let Jenny be the victim! That’s where she thrives! See, if only she’d had therapy to deal with the situations in her life where she truly was a victim and her pain was not acknowledged, she wouldn’t be seeking validation in inappropriate situations like this one!]
*
Shane: “We’ve been friends way before any of this shit happened.”
Jenny: “You’re my best [only!] friend.”
Shane: “And I gotta say if I had to choose today between this relationship and our friendship, I’d have to choose the friendship.”
[This is a HUGE surprise, seeing how much fun their relationship has been so far.]
Jenny: “The only thing that’s gonna get in the way of our friendship is if something gets in the way of our romantic relationship.”
**

**
Oh boy.

---

Lesbian Sexy Moment #7: I Let Myself Finally Feel Taken, Like I Was Yours
The Players: Dylan and Helena. Also I think there are dead people nearby ’cause Helena looks like she sees them.
Hot or Not?: I … don’t … know.
**

Dylan: “What’s wrong?”
Helena: “I’m scared.”
Dylan: “I know. Me too.”

Alex: “Can we talk about how she’s crying right now?”
Robin: “That is a dealbreaker.”

Oh my God. Helena is a human being! Helena has a real personality! She’s crying and fucking and everything is too much. Oh she is so lovely and so sad. She says she’s scared. Dylan says she’s scared too. Well, um, not as scared as Helena probably is!

---

Back at Hit, there are slow silent glances and movements of the eyes and lips between everyone … the music is beautiful, and the girls and the lights ..

Robin: “It looks like a Garnier Fructis commercial.”

Shane walks out, looking numb/bored, like either she needs to run away
all “fuck this shit,”
or she is, indeed, a masochist.

Shane sees Nikki …

But Nikki sees Jenny.

Jenny sees Nikki and sees that Nikki still loves Jenny

Shane sees … I don’t know. I don’t know what Shane sees.

Carmen?
The Ghost of Wax?
Shay?
A Lost Kitten?
Sylar?
Dave Thomas from Wendy’s?

Stay tuned for next week’s episode, in which all of these questions and more will not be answered.

---

The Round-Up
Lesbian Squabbles: 4 this episode, 22 total

Lesbian Sexy Moments: one this episode, 7 total

Quote of the Week: Jenny

On a Scale of One to Ten: 6.

ETA: Best During-the-Episode Comment on TWOP: “Candace the carpenter is on Desperate Housewives right now looking good.” (MickeyDs)

The L Word Episode 604 Recap: Leaving Los Angeles

This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight, but there may be messed up formatting and missing pictures.

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Remember last week when I said that I wanted 603 to be the finale because it was so lovely and ended with dancing? I bet you do, ’cause this was one of the worst L Word episodes ever!! Possibly one of the worst episodes of any television show ever, ranked somewhere between the Homeboys in Outer Space pilot and Taradise. About 15 minutes in, I literally started slamming my head against the wall. Chelsey left to do work, Natalie left for the gym. Carly & A;ex had their iPhones out, occasionally looking up to moan. It went a lot like this:

Riese: “Oh my God they aren’t!”
Carly: “Oh my God L Word I’m going to kill the fucking L Word!”
A;ex: “What the F*CK?”

This recap will ideally be funnier than the show, but be prepared for a serious waterfall of Haterade. Look, I wanna be positive whenever possible, but sometimes I have no choice. I must speak the truth!!

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Firstly — I’m not recapping any of Max’s scenes because I find his portrayal offensive and counterproductive to anyone seeking increased media visibility for peoples of all genders and sexualities. I go into this in depth here: A Letter From Computer Search Champion Max Sweeney. Also, his scenes made us all really upset and I can’t go through that again, I just can’t.

[Wanna see a great episode of something? Watch me & Hav on Alexi’s Closet Episode #17!]

I’m gonna start off with a list of actual activities performed in this episode:

1. Sitting around and eating, unknown time of day (seemingly endless series of meals/beverages over the course of several hours, both Bette and Tina were actively taking meetings, the lighting changed, guests in and out).
2. One side of a boring telephone conversation making dinner plans. (twice)
3. Cleaning out a closet of unwanted clothing. (twice)
4. Waiting in line for a taxi at the airport.
5. Chopping vegetables.
6. Choosing between Scrabble or Monopoly.
7. Washing dishes.
8. Sleeping.
9. Standing around at work and talking.
10. Lying in bed, holding hands.

In conclusion, any of this week’s “scenes” (conversations) could’ve taken place at any of this week’s locations/activities. That’s a BIG teleplay-writing no-no — don’t miss the opportunity to enhance your story by making both dialogue and setting pertinent to the plot. Up the stakes whenever you can.

To anyone who’s ever condemned lesbians to hell: tonight you have won. Tonight we have been condemned to hell for nearly an entire hour and it was all we could bear. We didn’t even change our clothes to pretend like we saw it on a different day than 603. ‘Cause we were too depressed to take pictures, except for the intro pic and the one below, I’ve just recycled some old ones here and there.

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It was the night before Monday and all through the land
Lesbians gathered ’round teevees wearing trendy wristbands
They wanted to see Bette & Tina naked but instead got this over-flowered “shirt”
They would’ve seen more action during a bubble bath scene with Ernie and Bert …

Bette, Bette, Bette. Can’t you just wear a Free City t-shirt or something? Why must you constantly turn cake-decorating concepts into shirts? I already read The Secret Garden, I don’t need a visual aid. You make your OWN scene, Bette! Bette & Tina are going to Nevada to meet a potential birth mother. They should adopt a foster child instead, there are many in need of homes. I’m serious.

Jenny just had an epiphany! This happens to me a lot too, I’m like “You guys! I know who killed Jenny!” But Jenny doesn’t seem to know who killed Jenny, she knows who stole the negative. She overheard William talking about burning down his building for insurance reasons. That’s really special/used. That sounds like a lie, yet I still don’t know if Jenny took it. Hey, look how pretty Alice and Tasha are!

Alice tells Tasha she’s “doing so well” at being social. That’s condescending. If I were Tasha, I’d smack Alice in the face. Nothing halts your effortless flow of friendly conversation like a little bit of public congratulation. Alice should just stick a medal on her or give her a certificate for the Most Improved Socializer. Then Tasha would be like, I don’t get medals for socializing, I get medals for killing people. OBVS.

Bette’s meeting up with Kelly the Bug-Eyed Monster from Showgirls, and when Kit sees Bette over there shooting the shit with Kelly Wentworth, she’s like what the fuck that Wentworth-fucking motherfucker, she needs to back the fuck off from my sister. Apparently Bette almost killed herself over Kelly, which means Jenny and Bette have something in common, attempted suicide. They should hook up. Why not, you know? I mean, let’s just tempt Bette ’till she caves.

In Episode 606, Bette will come home to a house completely filled with naked women. Like her top Celebrity Crush and all time favorite sculptor will be there and everything. There’ll be a moat and on the other side Tina will be standing with Angelica, mis-reading a thermometer and crying.

Then Dylan shows up! She’s hoodwinked Tina into a meeting at The Planet by claiming to be a filmmaker with a different name. It’s like Office Hours in college, this is the clearing house/waiting room for meetings.

“What is going on in here today?” Kit exclaims as Tina dashes to her meeting. Oh, it’s an Ilene Chaiken episode. That means everyone sits around waiting for their turn to share exposition.

Personally, I’m waiting for Godot. Aren’t we all.

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Firstly, this convo isn’t fair, ’cause “Kelly” always looks so excited and enchanted by everything anyone ever says ’cause she can’t close her eyes or wrinkle her forehead anymore. Luckily Bette’s evening out the playing field by turning Rite Aid’s Easter-themed clearance rack candles into inspiration for a collarbone sheath.

If you take Kelly’s statements out of context, they’re really weird, like this one: “It’s amazing to me that you’ve had this passion, and you just stay true to it. It’s something that I’ve always dreamed of being a part of.” (That’s what she said) Isn’t that the point of life? Bette must really be into this chick ’cause typically she’d call a sister out for talking so much stupid.

Kelly’s been in love with contemporary art ever since Bette TA’ed her class, that’s why she wants to start a gallery. That’s how I feel about reading but you don’t see me getting Mrs. Doman from Eberwhite Elementary School on speed-dial and asking her to start a used Bookstore. Also I learned how to read before I started school, so really I’d be calling myself, not Mrs. Doman, also I suspect Mrs. Doman is dead, like Dana, Mr. Piddles and eventually Jenny.

Kelly’s got a lot of money, Bette’s got no job, Kelly owns a gallery, OMG! I just had an epiphany! Bette should work for Kelly! But Bette is too superfly for that nonsense, she’ll be Kelly’s PARTNER or nothing. They just throw the word “partner” around here like it’s nothing. Remember “Buddy Checks”? Like in the pool at summer camp? We should have those for life. You never know when someone could fall in the pool and drown.

---

Here’s my idea of how this writer’s meeting went:

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Look at this point, okey-doke. I mean obvs we’ll swallow anything. Who’s the love of who’s life? We’re on board. No one has conversations these days anyhow. Too busy with murder mysteries and the Bedazzler. Dylan asks Tina for help getting Helena back in her head but Tina won’t. Holler.

---

I am so confused about this day. Like the light has changed, time is moving, no one seems to have anywhere to go, there’ve been several meals served in different locations. Helena wants the deets on Dylan and Tina is forced to divulge that now Dylan’s successfully running “Do Ask, Do Tell Productions.” I can’t say it any better than Alice did: “Oh that’s RICH, so she’s a gay filmmaker now?” Tasha rips up the business card.

Let’s hook Helena up with someone, Alice says. Jenny suggests Jodi. Well, Jenny means well — she wants to incorporate another cast member, as we’ve only got four more episodes left, surely it’s too late to get a newbie involved. But everyone knows that Bette’s the only one evolved enough to handle Jodi Now everyone has to start thinking. Sometimes it seems like Kate and Leisha are making fun of the script while acting in it. They do a Scooby Doo-ish “hmm, let’s think,” followed by a “GUESS WHO” chin stroke of thinking.

I can hear the paint drying on Bettina’s new second floor addition that’s ruining Jenny’s hearing. Before long Jenny will be just like Jodi and then they can date. Unless Jenny dies or something. Well, I hope she didn’t die ’cause she couldn’t scream for help. Jeez. Someone needs Free Hugs and Breakfast I’m guessing.

Alice and Tasha have AN IDEA! – Jamie! She’s rad! They went bowling. She’s the director of Youth & Family Services at the Gay And Lesbian Center. They fight over who gets to call — and at this moment, I’m expecting them to cut away to the next scene. But instead we’re actually gonna watch both Tasha and Alice have phone convos that involve repeating “we have a good feeling about this” over & over until the thesaurus kills itself.

How many horses died to make this next scene? They’re having a horse buffet!! Horse cocktail, horse kebabs …

Jenny just saw Oprah or some other mid-afternoon teevee program and she learned a special fancy word called “clutter cleaning” (as opposed to other kinds of cleaning, which rarely address the clutter issue) — “it’s a good thing when you’re starting a new project or a new relationship!” So then we watch Shane & Jenny try to clean out the closet as a way of discussing all their past relationships. Jenny won’t let go of Marina (her “first love”) or her art supplies, which she might use some day. I hope not, remember her last art project? It involved her naked torso and a black Sharpie.

Shane says, “I don’t believe in changing people!” Write that down, Jenny. WRITE THAT DOWN. Why are they fuddling around with all these clothes when they could be removing each other’s clothes and making out? I dunno.

Watching people pack is intriguing. I wonder if anyone’s interested in mowing the lawn or grocery shopping. I really would like to see some bricks get laid. I’d like to see SOMEONE get laid.

++

I clean, you clean, we all clean to lick ice cream
off each other’s bodies, but not today, Ilene is mean …
++

Take it! Take Whatever You Want! Take My Soul! Take the Goldfish!

Now it’s onto Shane’s closet! This has potential to be cute, but is wrapped in terrible, like an Oreo where the sandwich cookies are actually cardboard. It’s like episode 311 where the lovely flashbacks from Dana’s past were sandwiched by outtakes from the Hike on Witch Mountain. I’m glad that Shane’s standing up to Jenny, though she mostly seems impartial — I think that’s why Shane gets along so well with domineering women, she really is pretty chill to just go with the flow, whatever the flow may be.

Shane won’t get rid of the shirts that remind her of Carmen. Good, that red shirt was hot, I remember it.

This is the most action anyone gets this episode

Did they take that gigantic motorcade of luggage on the plane? I could live in that thing, it’s bigger than my apartment. Also Bette — that shirt you’re wearing? LOVE IT! Do more like that! Also, Angie is sooooooo cute I could die. She has to alert them to the Taxi, ’cause they’re too busy talking about Kelly. I wonder what they talked about on the plane. Sometimes I feel like they only speak when we’re watching.

---

Now Shane’s gonna meet Alice for another meal and along with the audience, Shane will witness Alice’s phone conversation. That’s a total social no-no, ALICE! Put your phone away! “Jamie’s like weirdly perfect,” Alice says. Really Alice? I haven’t heard you say that a million times.

In order to demonstrate Jamie’s honesty and self-sacrifice, Alice divulges that they’re gonna eat at home instead of eating out, ’cause they’re all broke and Jamie’s not a gold digger like Dylan. That’s a leap! Really? Do we get medals for not eating out now? Speaking of eating someone out! Let’s get naked! But before anyone can eat anyone or anything, the angel of darkness descends … Jenny’s done writing and has decided to join the crew for some rice and beans. Jenny’s Personality Ret-Con is in FULL EFFECT. Bring on the Clingy! Bring on the Manipulative!

Shane doesn’t seem too upset, and even takes Jenny’s “have you been smoking” inquisition pretty lightly, this is interesting, and confusing. Maybe this is supposed to be “ga ga in love” instead of ‘being clingy.’ Like how EZ Girl came with Ilene to this show. But if any of my girlfriends did this to me, I feel like Haviland would be raising an eyebrow of concern.

---

Here we are in a suburban cul-de-sac. An attack dog barks outside to indicate that White Trash lies beyond ye doors. “I’m really sorry if he scared you,” Winnie says. She’s so Canada! I’m still waiting for her to apologize for this outfit. I’m calling her Winnie ’cause she reminds me of Winnie from The Wonder Years, but slutty. I secretly love slutty girls, btw, bring it on.

Now that I know her name is Marci, not Winnie, I’ll respect that. Marci’s already got two kids and her parents don’t want her to keep the other, she can’t afford it. They don’t even know she’s still fucking the dude who got her preggo this time. SKETCHY! Hello, I’d like to suggest Ortho Tri-Cyclen or Trojan Condoms.

Winnie’s impressed that Tina just did a movie with Nikki Stevens, Nikki Stevens is SO RAD! Did Bette just say Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Marci’s parents come in, they are white trash from Central Casting, probs also they are Max’s parents. They are a little confus
ed as to why such beautiful ladies are sitting in their living room.

Tina’s trying to give Bette the “ixnay on the agy-ights-ray” look but it’s not working.

Tina: “I think she’s asking if you’re married to a man?”
++

“Sorz!”
++
Bette & Tina are kicked to the curb once Marci’s Fam confirms that they are Lebanese. Poor Winnie. I mean Marci. Luckily Angelica is still cute.

---

Now we’re going to watch Alice and Jamie cut vegetables and talk about work. Jamie was almost a police officer, it’s in her family, but she could only last a few weeks. Alice gushes about how what Jamie does is really important, and she’s serving in her own way. That’s sweet. Just wait ’til she tells Tasha about the cop thing! Now Jamie is going to teach Alice a trick for cutting vegetables, excellent. If you watch this on mute and listen to Tegan & Sara’s “Underwater” over it, it’s much better.

Jamie thinks Alice should work at the Center, but Alice doubts herself — she should! Alice could do much more with her life. Anyhow if she won’t take the job, I will. I need a job.

---

Helena shows up just as Jamie’s talking about how much she loves Runyan Canyon. Coincidentally, Helena’s telling Alice how she hates it. This’ll be like that scene in When Harry Met Sally when they try to set up their friends with each other and end up chatting just the two of ’em, except with three instead of two. Alice made a nut-loaf, like meatloaf but with nuts. Neat. Fascinating. It becomes increasingly clear that Tasha & Alice love Jamie and Helena is the fourth wheel. Some may say that four wheels make a car, I say everyone just have sex with everyone.

Rarely does Tasha light up like this … Jamie brings out the best in both of them. Tasha is so pretty. Alice is so pretty. Jamie is so pretty. So so pretty. Everyone is so pretty.

Now they’re gonna look at baby pictures. Leisha was a little tomboy and now she’s a girly girl, adorable then = adorable now. The girls chat about how they’d like kids (really? Talice haven’t already discussed this?) Bringing up Helena’s kids is a tricky subject — Helena doesn’t have custody, her ex took the children to the South of France. Jamie’s clearly uninterested in Helena and her hot mess of a storyline.

Helena knows she looks bad as a potential date (though she looks good as a work of human being) and is thinking about jetting to find the woman who accepts her for all her flaws ’cause it’s Dylan’s fault this all happened in the first place. (Also – Helena used to LOVE her kids! What happened?! She seems totally over it now. RETCON alert.) She decides to split when they start bringing out the board games, and Jamie & Tasha have a cute moment about how it’s not gonna work between Jamie & Helena, so everyone stop thinking about if it’d be Jelena or Helenie.

---

Helena runs to Dylan’s and asks her to have dinner. Then she runs away like she’s just warned her about The Ring. Helena’s so cute when she’s nervous. And haven’t we all been there? Your friends are trying to do the right thing and get you involved with someone good, but instead you’re running over to the enemy’s territory late at night and demanding a dinner date. Old habits die hard. Just like Jenny. Who I love.

Jenny turned Shane’s bedroom into an office and thinks Shane is going to love it. Does she really think that? If I were Shane, I would kill Jenny right then and there, that is SO not okay. Now the pressure’s really on for them to be 2gether 4ever, there’s only one bed now!

Obvs Shane doesn’t think this is cool, and she — thank G-d — calls Jenny out and asks if she’s just “putting on the Crazy Jenny Show” to see how far she can push Shane. Jenny gets all sullen and passive-aggressively says she can put it back, obviously they are at different places in their lives.

Clearly. Shane is at that place where she wants to have a room with a bed to sleep in and etc., and Jenny is in a place where she turns Shane’s bedroom into an office.

Also Jenny’s been doing a lot of bizarre housecleaning projects. Perhaps she is preparing her Tomb for her suicide. She’s gonna have a big one like King Tut.

The L Word Episode 603 Recap: LMFAO

This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight, but there may be messed up formatting and missing pictures.

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Welcome to the Autostraddle Recap of Episode 603 “LMFAO,” the Series Finale of Showtime’s hit series The L Word! What’s that you say? This isn’t the last episode? Fair enough, arguably true. Howevs, I suspect this might be the last episode that I actually enjoy. Furthermore, I imagine that at season’s end I’ll choose to block out 604-608 and remember the whole she-bang ending like … well … this:

With Dancing!!!
++
See the joy and the laughter! At “LMFAO”‘s end, Tasha’s proud of Alice, Bette & Tina are in love 4evs, Kit & Helena have successfully turned Hit Club into “Casablanca meets Studio Fifty-Four,” Shane & Jenny are in the giggly charged-up first moments of what they still believe is Real Love and everyone is dancing and/or laughing! AND SCENE!!

I did actually enjoy at least 50% of this episode. You know what that means. I’m not as funny when I mostly like the episode. You’ve been warned.

Speaking of warnings — PLEASE if you re-post images obtained from Autostraddle on your own blog or website, PLEASE credit the source (me). Thank you!

This week our viewing party included me, Carly, A;ex and Natalie [not pictured]. Natalie hasn’t seen the first two episodes and therefore had a lot of questions. Oh also nominations for The Lezzies start February 2nd, you should check it out and nominate your favorite blogs. Like this one and me.

Natalie: “So what’s Shane my love doing?”
Carly: “She fucked Nikki, who was Jenny’s ex-girlfriend, so now she’s like Jenny’s slave trying to win Jenny back but then Jenny said she’s in love with Shane and then they kissed and now they’re gonna be together, which I have A LOT of feelings about.”
Natalie: “Jenny!? Really?! Okay … what about …what’s happening with Bette & Tina?”
Riese: “Together, getting another kid for some reason.”
Carly: “Until Jessie Spano-slash-Nomi Malone comes in …”
Natalie: “NOOOO! REALLY?! Okay, what happened with …”
Carly: “Please say Max. Please say Max.”

Because Max isn’t in this episode, I’ll withhold my commentary ’til next week … or perhaps later this week, when Max will have an entire article to talk about the transphobic content of his storyline. The show hasn’t targeted transphobia, it’s targeted trans people themselves.

But let’s not think about that right now! Let’s be happy and celebrate the finale! Why was this episode called LMFAO? ‘Cause we LOL’ed a lot. I’ll keep track for ya.

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Maybe you need better LOCKS on the DOORS, Aaron!

This week it’s Tina’s turn to declare a desire to kill Jenny ’cause The Lez Girls “negative” has been stolen from the lab, they suspect Jenny. Tina exclaims “Fucking Jenny! I will fucking kill you!,” a clip which we’ve already seen approximately 5 billion times.

I think before Aaron’s scenes, the director shoots him up with Rabies, shoves a pipe-bomb up his ass, and then just sets ‘er off. I’m worried his veins might literally pop out of his Mr.Clean headskull the next time he spits/yells at Tina.

Natalie: “Jenny stole the negative from the lab?”
Carly: “Allegedly — and it was the only copy of the movie in the universe.”
Natalie: “What about Adele? Is Adele still the director?”
Riese: “Adele is no longer with us.”

Carly is ready to carve the turkey!

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OMG! Our glory days have come!

BUT for you who’d prefer to avoid it, click here to skip over the naked Shenny scenes and go straight to Alice’s arrival. See how good I am to you? See how much I care? Even though I’d like to add that this isn’t the Bette & Tina show, it’s The L Word Show, which means every episode must contain at least fifteen major characters and 20 absurd plot-lines.
I think Jenny & Bette are supposed to be the main characters of the show, right? Anyone? I’m curious how you feel about it. J&B is who we were told would be the main characters in Season One. I guess we were told a lot of things in Season One.

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Sounder = Not on Team Shenny

Bedow bowwww it’s the morning after at Shenny’s Magic Loveshack, where the happy new couple is sex-tosseled and stunning in bed. Zomg! Jenny’s got her paws on Shane’s nips, there’s sighing and unbelievably loud sheet-shifting and Sounder Jr. is on all fours, ready for some more doggy style. I think he feels ignored ’cause he doesn’t have Shane’s nipple confidence so he dashes out just as Shane & Jenny wake up. Shane looks surprised for about half a second, and then … really happy.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #5: This Love Isn’t Good Unless It’s Me and You
The Players: Shane & Jenny
The Pick Up: I think that happened last night? I beleive it was “Jenny?”
Hot or Not?: ZOMG!
I mean LFMAZOMG!
++

Captivated.
++
Shane: “I don’t know what to say.”
Jenny: “I’m happy we fucked.”
Shane: “Are you sure?”
Jenny: “Mmm hmm.”
++

++

And when I Lay Beside You For The First Time I Told You

Even though it’s the ass-crack of morning and clearly neither one of these ladies has brushed their teeth, the makeout continues, obvs ’cause they cannot resist one another. Shane does the L Word signature move which is to cover your lover’s boobs during any kind of sexual activities (especially during oral). Then the doorbell rings. “Fuck,” Jenny remembers, Alice is coming over for her parent-teacher conference notes on her “treatment.” Shane moans “tell Alice to go home,” which is interesting …

++

++
LMFAO MOMENT #1: “Alice is so … annoying!”(Jenny)
++
But before Shane goes downstairs to get the door, Jenny has feelings to discuss …
++
Jenny: “Shane? C’Mere. Do you think we made a mistake?”
[Shane makes a really weird facial expression,
I’m hoping it’s indicative of super-love, rather than super-theatrics]
Shane: “No.”
Jenny: “Really?”
Shane: [obvs implying incredible sexiness was had] “You know as much as I do … [cute smile face]”
++

Jenny: C’mhere. [they kiss]
++
I could stay with this scene forever, but Alice has better ideas.

Meanwhile Jenny will sit in bed and wait, nibbling on her blue fingernails. All the L-Girlz had a mani-pedi party before shooting this ep, they all chose sparkly blue.

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Also if Jenny made me wait that long, I’d take that opportunity to text Tina that “I tried!” and then dash to the car. But our dear Alice waits, and our scruffy Shane answers …

LMFAO #2 – (Alice) – “Uh– I know that look! WHOOO! —
the I had sex all night look — anyone I know?”
++
Shane denies it even when Alice insists Shane wears her sex nights “on her sleeve.” (Or, rather, on her bare arms, ’cause she’s always sportin’ the wifebeater after aforementioned “sex nights.”)
++

LMFAO #3: Jenny calls to Shane, “Monkey, have you seen my shirt?”
Alice scowls in confusion/fear and says, incredulously: “Monkey? Wow, you guys SUPER made up!”
++

LMFAO #4 (possibly top 10 best L Word moments of all time): We zoom in as Alice’s cute baby mind tries to computer this crazy-ass shit. She’s a Stepford Lesbian about to have a breakdown, there’ll be sparkplugs exploding everywhere and even Max won’t know how to fix it. Besides he’s busy doing Kegels and throwing nerf balls at his stomach to kill the baby.

++

Shane’s doing Eric Mabius’s hair today … how meta! [Also, so relieved Shane’s still employed, someones gotta bring home the bacon for these little rascals.] Then Alice spies on them.

++
Her reaction: “Um. Ew.”

‘LMFAO #5: Alice dashes to the bathroom to do what she must do — text everybody and tell them all right away xoxo gossip girl.

++

Helena’s reaction: She’s jogging probs imagining long gallops on the English countryside with Black Stallions when she gets the news — “SHANE AND JENNY HAD SEX LAST NIGHT!!” — and promptly falls off the treadmill. Sidenote; I could watch Helena work out for the rest of my life.

++

Tina‘s in a meeting with Angela Robinson and someone else — how meta! — who are obviously pitching a lesbian vampire story. Aren’t we all.

Tina’s reaction: “WHAT THE FUCK?”
++
Tasha’s walking out of a Police Academy Whatevers, probs Eddie Murphy was there, when she gets the news and we see the second part of Alice’s text:
WITH EACH OTHER!! (LMFAO #6)

Tasha’s Reaction = Laughter, “Oh Alice.” Aw. I think Tasha thinks Alice is super cute when she does silly things that Tasha would never do.
++
Bette’s reaction, however, is THE BEST.(LMFAO #7)
She’s in a meeting with stodgy academic people talking about important things but she cracks up schoolgirl-style over the Shenny Texts Part 1&2.
++

She tries to suppress the laughter but she cannot contain herself!
++

Bette laughing her ass off = beautiful.
++

Then we flash back to 1972 where Kit doesn’t understand why her phone is buzzing ’cause that ain’t how things are done over here. No really there’s no reason for her not to know this, but it’s funny so I’ll let it fly. Probs the last time she heard buzzing, it turned out to be Ivan’s vibrating strap-on rubbing against her buttocks. Hey-o! Thank you Babeland!
++

++

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“What in the Bloody Hell is Going On?”

Helena calls and I’m hoping she’s calling to say “Hey, if the other potential friends-become-lovers couple is going for the gold this season, whaddya say you and I take a romp in the ol’ schoolyard and you charm my little knickers right off my body!” but instead she wants to talk about Shenny. Alice wants to listen to Shenny talk about boundaries and relay it all to Helena. This scene is AWESOME.

++
Alice: “They’re kissing! EW!”
(LMFAO #8)

++

Helena: “Alice, you’re being childish.
They’re both adults and if they want to get involved with each other, that’s totally their prerogative.”
+

Alice: “Shane just said Jenny’s a good kisser!”
Helena: “Oooo ick! Oh my God!”
(LMFAO #9)
+

The L Word is Oh you Lucky, Lucky Girl, Jenny …
++

++
Riese PSA: I mean … even if you hate Shenny, this scene is super-hilarious. I feel like I root for the things everyone is rooting for, whether it be Alice wearing glasses, Helena undressing or Bette & Tina getting back together … mrrrrr Iloveshenny! I don’t think a Bettina fan would feel shafted by me in the same way a Shane and/or Jenny and/or Shenny fan might feel shafted reading other recaps. If I had a point here, I lost it. Oh, it’s “come on!”

I really liked this observation by reader Asher last week, and I think I agree (also perhaps it adds to the “this is all Jenny’s script” theory) – “Jenny I think represents just about all of us (I was just questioning my shit when I started watching) so to me she’s living the dream. Move to LA, make super hot lesbo friends, and finally end up with Shane. I feel as Jenny wins, we all win just a little.”

Jenny’s like the weird outsider who just snagged the captain of the football team when no one even predicted that they’d get along in the first place. She’s like Emily Valentine.

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Bette’s gabbing with Tina about how Shenny’s gonna be a trainwreck. I mean, someone could even get killed(!!!!), just like in an actual trainwreck. So that’s what happened to Tina’s train to Lezzie Town! Ca-CHING! Not that Bette has any need for public transportation with those FUCKING SLEEVES!

Srsly the Pirates of Penzance have been on hold since last week. You better get that call or
they will loot your booty all over WeHo.

Carly: “Bette ! Again with THE SLEEVES! They’re like WINGS!”
Riese: “She just wants to fly and everyone keeps holding her back!”
Carly: “She’s like [sings] “I’m Like a Bird” you guys …”
Riese: “And they’re like, No you aren’t!“

Lesbian Squabble #14: Time To Get a Real Job Time To Stop Having Fun at Bette’s Expense
In the Ring Bette vs. Jodi
Content: Bette’s like “why’s Tom here?” ’cause 2 on 1 is totally not fair, Bette’s getting played like a deck of cards. Jodi says Bette was never a good signer, although she could apparently do many other magical things with her fingers. Bette thinks Jodi should resign, just like she said she would a few weeks ago. Jodi wants to redact that offer ’cause she made it to save the ass of the woman she loves, now she is on to new asses and new loves, and therefore loves her job and wants to stay.
We all know the real reason is that she doesn’t know where she’s gonna put the giant play structure she built in Season Four, that thing is a behemoth. To this Bette says, “If you don’t resign, then I’m gonna have to fire you.” Jodi says “Go right ahead.”
Who Wins? Tom! He just got an extra day of work! He can put that towards the diaper fund.
++

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Put That On Your Fucking Clipboard!

Jenny’s been up all night giving notes to Shane’s vadge (much like Twat: The Night, but more intimate) and clearly didn’t actually read Alice’s treatment. Instead of admitting this, Jenny’s going to catapult brilliantly into my favorite kind of scene — Jenny Momentus!

Howevs, in prior seasons we’ve seen Jenny get all Jenny Momenty towards Stacey Merkin, the secretary at Curve, various smarmy movie execs, Moira/Max, the cast & crew of Lez Girls, Adele, the pre-Adele assistant, etc.

BUT now …

She’s doing it to Alice. Very clever, Show. Very clever. Because when you hurt Alice, you hurt everyone, because everyone loves Alice, and then the globe warms and then all the penguins die.

Next Time I Will Just Take Robert McKee’s Story Seminar

Jenny: “You people just come into Hollywood and you just think that you’re gonna make it and you’re just gonna write everything and it’s gonna be great in one night. You know what? My work — to write a screenplay — is a craft. [HA! – LMFAO #10] And if you’re gonna sit here across from me, you’re gonna start taking it seriously.”
++
Jenny asks Alice to pitch it to her so she can prove she’s worthy of this craft — ’cause screenwriting isn’t like other crafts where you can just get out a loom and weave a scarf, one must work hard to mine the lint of their navel and weave it into storytelling goodness, like this wonderful show. Soooo … it’d seem Alice stole her idea from Ilene Chaiken and/or her own life. A talk show host is dating a cop, it’s got “mystery, car chases, action and excitement, foul play meets Mr. and Mrs. Smith, so it’s kinda romantic and action-y … it’s kinda got everything!” Jenny says it has everything “except a great idea.”
++
Jenny: “I mean, I don’t think that’s gonna sell — pretty boring–” (amazing shrug) “– but you know the heart of this? Is that it’s just not realistic. These two people would never be in a relationship together.”
++

JENNY MOMENT: “Well Alice, you know what I think? The future is now. Right now — and this (points at the treatment) is not the way forward. Because when I’m with you (does big hand gesture indicating the size and scope of the world/the chart) in a group of people and I close my eyes and I’m like ooooooo (squinches up her face) ughhhh that girl oooo the VOICE! (opens her eyes, points at Alice) She should be doing cartoon voiceovers.”
(LMFAO #11)

++

Alice is suitably stunned and before she can say that Mel Blanc called to say don’t fucking compare Alice to him, Tina’s at the door. OH! I’ve got this theory — Jenny’ll continue to be accused of things we believe she could’ve done, but she actually didn’t do! Yeah? That’d be a twist.

Alice adorably tells Tina not to say anything about Shenny as she dashes out and Tina asks Alice if she’s “sure.” She is. This is how Tina feels about that:

++
Tina’s Face = (LMFAO #12)
Anyhow, Tina can’t talk ’cause she’s gotta “fuckin’ kill Jenny.” Alice deadpans: “Why, what did she do to you?” Oh my God! Jenny is DOING things to EVERYBODY! ALL TOGETHER NOW!
++

++
The best Jenny Moments always happen in Jenny’s kitchen. That’s because she’s from the midwest, where our kitchens are like hearths of love and soul, apple pies and warm delight. Right-o.

---

Jenny doesn’t like what Tina’s got to say abut the missing negative, she’d rather talk about cappuccino and soybeans. (LMFAO #13) Who cares about the negative, the editor has it on her computer, Jenny adds. Funny, I was just thinking that exact same thing! Apparently, explained by some bizarre movie-making lingo that I don’t understand, “it doesn’t matter what the editor has on her computer because it cannot be projected on our screen.” They should just release this thing on youtube and call it a day. I can only imagine the comments, probs: “you wasted 140.23 min/sec of my life AND I WANT IT BACK !!!”

Lesbian Squabble #15: Dude, Where’s my Negative?
In the Ring: Tina vs. Jenny
Content: Tina’s being kind and tactful when she asks Jenny if she’s got it. Jenny suggests Adele’s got it and Tina’s gotta think fast to cover up the fact that Malaya Rivera Drew is no longer on the show — Adele wouldn’t do it, “her whole career would be on the line.”

Jenny refuses to follow the rules of Vortexed cast members and says that Adele’s got a three-picture deal — in other words, she’s fine, and Jenny has: “nothing. I don’t even have an agent anymore. Because my agents don’t think I’m professional. And if this film doesn’t come out (HELLLOOOO CANADA!) then I’m totally fucked, okay, so I need this film to come out so I have this [holds up fingers to gesture the tiny bit of a chance she’s got] kind of chance of getting a job again. So you have to find that movie!”
++

Also I’m a Bad Writer, but That is NOT THE POINT!

Tina believes Jenny. I think I believe Jenny just ’cause I know where she was last night (Shane’s Nipple Confidence: The Night) and furthermore I know what she did last summer (Nikki) and I also know where she lives (Here) and because I don’t want her to die (whatevs).

---

Hey! Hey! YOU! You! I Don’t Like Your Not-Girlfriend!
Alice: “It’s Jenny, I just wanna be sure we know who we’re talking about here.”
Shane: “I’m truly aware of who it is, thank you, but listen — we get each other. We do and I have to believe she’s not gonna get weird.”
++

I Know She Takes All the Good and All The Bad That Comes With Me

Shane seems pragmatic & happy & confident she can hold her own. If anyone can, she can — she’s been holding her own with Jenny thus far, after all. Shane says she’s gotta trust Jenny to set boundaries, and besides, she’s got no other choice. Err. Urm, yeah she does, there’s another choice hidden in the attic that you may find in a few weeks while hunting for your lost dignity as Chaikenbake steers this tanker into a deserted island of lesbos.

Though Alice insists “any level-headed calm person” would “freak out if they’d slept with a roommate,” Shane ain’t level-headed, she’s a quick-heart’ed goddess of sexy Californication. “We’re not gonna add water and make an instant relationship,” Shane says, marking her first accurate employment of an analogy. At least I think it’s an analogy. Analogy, metaphor, potato, po-tah-to. I am no smarter than Shane.

++
Shane: “And listen — between you and me — if it was to happen again –”
Alice: “What? What is that face?”
Shane:“I wouldn’t — I wouldn’t mind –”
++
And Alice picks up the yogurt dish, takes out a spoon, and gets down to business … Yoplait business.

++

++

++
(LMFAO #14)

Carly: “It’s first date good. Burn this dress good.”
Riese: “I’d like to thank the ACADEMY good.”

Alice is convinced they’re gonna sleep together again tonight, but Shane isn’t “planning” on it (why wait ’til tonight? how’s this afternoon?) … howevs Tao of Shane, Book One states that she does not have a plan and in fact that is the point. Shane’s just glad to have Jenny back in her life. This talk concerns me, that’s number one on the list of “bad reasons to sleep with someone.”

---

Lesbian Squabble #16: This Would Be A Good Time to Just Give Jodi the Finger
In the Ring: Phyllis & Jodi vs. Bette
Content: Phyllis doesn’t think Jodi needs to be fired anymore and ignores Bette’s valid claims that Jodi is a bad employee. Speaking of, Phyllis is really bad at her job you guys! I swear, I haven’t witnessed her make one efficient or professional decision, she’s entirely motivated by emotional whims and seems to spend more time dealing with her feelings than actually running a University. I’d like to hijack this meeting and fire Phylllis. She’s about to get married to a big lawyer, she can just become a DALA girl.
++

++
Phyllis: “I never thought that you of all people would let this dyke drama get in the way of you doing your job!”
Bette: “This is not dyke drama, Phylllis!”
Phyllis: “When you entered into a sexual relationship with a subordinate — as you refer to her — you relinquished your right to fire her, because that’s what’s called sexual harassment.”
Bette: “Are you threatening to sue me for sexual harassment?”
Jodi: “Hmmm, that thought never ocurred to me. I’m not really interested in lawsuits.”
[Point for Jodi.]
++
I love how Tom adds a little spice to Jodi’s statements when he translates. Anyhow Bette is 100% right. this isn’t Dyke drama. Dyke Drama is = CORE, Phyllis begging for Bette’s romantic advice, Joyce naked at Phyllis’s office, Jodi refusing to meet with Bette, But hey! Who cares! This is teevee and Phyllis says: “The last thing this University needs is a sexual harassment lawsuit between two lesbians … I cannot allow you to expose this university to this kind of threat.”

This is … stupid!
++
Who Wins: Sarah Palin and all her gay friends.
++

---

Also, in addition to noting how lovely Phyllis & Tom are matching today, I’d like to point out that here we have A CLUE!

---

Jenny gets super inspired when she’s having a dramatic love affair, and then when she’s done writing her masterwork of stage and screen, she gets a little horny. She interrupts Shane’s nap and Shane don’t mind one bit …

Lesbian Sexy Moment #6: If You’re Gonna Wake Up, You Might as well Wake Up With Me
The Players: Jenny the Artist and Shane the Sexual Artist
The Pick – Up: “I was thinking about what we did last night … and how I liked it…”
Hot or Not: If Carly would stop yelling about how Shane needs to brush her teeth before they start making out, it cold be quite steamy … it is. Love the half-asleep cute yearning arm, Jenny mounting her … if only this love affair could stay this good for the rest of the season …
++

++

Once Again We Are Captivated.

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The L Word Episode 602 Recap: Least Likely

This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight, but there may be messed up formatting and missing pictures.

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Shane Shane Shane. Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny. Redrum. Hello! Welcome to the Romper Room. Today we’ll be observing episode 602 of The L Word, titled “Least Likely.” As in “The L Word is the teevee program least likely to be excellent.”

Hey guess what, I got a gig on Showtime, I’m the new Lezberado. You should watch it. Apparently a bajillion people already have. Who was the old Lezberado, you may ask. I have no idea. Let’s not dwell though. Not today! Not on L Word Day! We didn’t dwell on Dana’s death, so …

This week’s viewing party was attended by Carly, Robin, Alexi, A;ex, Tinkerbell and … me! Actually from now on I’d like you to refer to me as “Easy Street.” That’s where you can pick up the train that goes to Lezzie Town.

---

We open on Nikki, looking Brett-Easton-Ellis-novel coked out, in bed with a trampy blue-bikinied groupie. The groupie paws at Nikki and moans that being sad is so boring. Good point. Well it could be worse, it could be sad + Holocaust paper dolls + creepy poltergeist music.

Nikki gets up, incensed, and parades around the MTV Cribs beach-house yelling like a crazy person: “She called ME she wanted ME and then she goes all Paris and Britney on me fucks me all night long and then she has the nerve to call me a showmance! I don’t even know what the fuck that means!”

Like in Showmeo and Juliet

Well, Nikki has recovered nicely from the brain damage she suffered between seasons 5 and 6 — although she lost 75% of her brain cells, her motor skills are well above par and she seems to have found a similarly brain-damaged peer group.

“Brakchi” on the TWOP board noted that “what Ilene has done [in Season Six] is rob Nikki of her vulnerability and sincerity [which she had in Season Five.]” Exactly.

Alex: “I wanna watch a teevee show about those girls!”
Riese: “I think it’s called ‘Gimme Sugar.‘”

I’m gonna replace you with SUNSET TAN, beeotch!
I’m gonna go there way more than I ever talk to you! Put your ribs away!

Nikki says the girl in the blue bikini is officially out of her Top Five for positing: “I wonder who it is that broke her heart?” That’s fine, she can go be in Maxim‘s Top Five.

Carly: “This episode of The L Word is brought to you by T-Mobile!”
Caitlin: “And Whole Foods!”
Robin: [cheesy voice] “Hey Guys! My name is SHANE! And this is my BAG! From Whole Foods!”
Riese: [ditto] “There’s enough hummus in it for everyone in your Top Five! From T-Mobile!”

Riese: “I think Nikki’s on coke.”
Carly: “This is gonna be the part of the show where everyone starts saying they’re gonna kill Jenny Schecter.”
Riese: “Jenny is DEAD meat!”
Carly: “I’m gonna KILL her!”
Riese: “Who’s dead to you NOW, Jenny? Yeah?”

---

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Kit Porter

I think this is the Halloween episode of My So-Called Life, or at least these outfits are. One of Kit Porter’s many fans, a drag queen named “Sunset Boulevard,” is joining the team at HIT, along with at least ten yards of gold lamè. They’ll probs fall in love, she’s definitely Kit’s type. You know, the drag king, T.O.E., the lesbian Don Juanita, the scruffy acoustic Manny, etc. I wish she’d had a relationship with Slim Daddy. Well, I was a superfan of Ivan ’til her character changed in Season Two.

Drinking game suggestion — every time someone references being a HUGE Kit Porter fan, take a drink. Of sparkling grape juice.

Doesn’t Helena look cute in glasses?

Kit: “OOOO GIRL!! Somebody’s been working OUT!”
++
I’m 90% sure that Sunset thinks Kit & Helena are girlfriends. Which’d make as much sense as anything else that’s ever happened to Helena! Or Kit.

++

---

So What I Lied, I Lied to Me Too

Back at The Planet! The girls have split up into Team Cheaters and Team Martyrs. Bette & Tina play rock-paper-scissors to see who’s gotta sit with what team. (I feel these opening sentences are grammatical nightmares, how do I fix them? Anyone? Seriously.) Does that mean Tina’s actually admitted that she was “the pot calling the kettle slutty” (trademark Carly 2009) last episode and consequently she has no inherent allegiance to either? Probs not.

Carly: “Hey Bette, the Pirates of Penzance called, they left a voicemail … just whenever you’re ready if you could get that shirt back to us … we’ve got booty to find …”
Riese: “Hey Kit, 1972 is on the other line, want you to know they wouldn’t even wear that shirt.”

The girls are sitting at the Planet on their MacBooks. Probs using T-Mobile phone service, about to eat some tasty foods from Whole Foods.

Carly: “We don’t have jobs so we just sit around all day and write our screenplays!”
Riese: “Actually I was about to say that kinda is what my life is like, except without any money.”
Robin: “Yeah me too. Not all of us are EMPLOYED here, Carly. Some of us are ‘freelancers.'”
Riese: “Actually um, only … two of us? Have full-time jobs?”
[We all look around at one other, despondent.]

Lesbian Squabble #7: Anyone want a TWATWAFFLE?!
In the Ring: Shane vs. Jenny. With Alice called in to do the dirty work.
Content: Shane’s trying to win Jenny over by sending her waffles she didn’t order. That wouldn’t fly with me, what if that didn’t fit into my daily caloric plan? I’d probs feel awkward about it and eat them anyhow though. Or you know, give them to Tina, who also LOVES WAFFLES. Instead, Jenny throws them out. Obvs Jenny has not read I Live Here.
++
Kit points out that children are starving, Jenny says they wouldn’t want those waffles. I dunno, I think if you gave a hungry child the choice of skanky waffles or no waffles, they’d go with the skanky waffles. like when they’re out of the Eggos I like and I have to buy the store brand. Which is actually really nowhere near as good as regular eggos. Hey leggo of my eggos. La la laa.
++
Who Wins? The Planet, I guess, at least they sold a product and made a profit and apparently Shane made them herself, therefore saving everyone the cost of labor.
++

Jenny LOVES Sticky Notes!

+
Tina encourages Alice to let Jenny the Screenplay Expert read the treatment she’s working on, which prompts many knowing awkward glances. B&T are doing that secret texting in the same room thing that I often enjoy with Caitlin when we’re being forced to watch bad student films, or with Natalie when we want to complain about how stupid everyone else at the dinner table is compared to us.

“I’d be happy to give you notes,” Jenny says. I guess she’s back to bitchy Jenny now. Also she’s writing a screenplay that’s basically a transcription of her fight with Shane, excellent idea. TLW should just skip season finales, none of that shit ever carries over.
++
The best part of this scene is Alice’s facial expressions:

“I just had this kinda killer idea so I thought I’ll just write a great screenplay and then sell it for millions and then buy a house in Malibu?”
(Copyright Alice 2009)
[Strong contender for quote of the week]

Lesbian Squabble #8: Look Me in the Eyes And Tell Me You Don’t Find me Attractive in this Shirt
In the Ring: Tasha vs. Alice
Content: Tasha doesn’t like Malibu. Tasha looks amazing, says the girls. I dressed her, says Alice. Alice says Tasha doesn’t try. Tasha gets annoyed by this. Does Tasha really like Alice? It doesn’t seem like it. She’s gonna join the Police Academy so that she can once again be a part of an institution that will inherently disapprove of Alice’s friends’ pot-smoking lifestyles, once again making their relationship impossible. Oh wait — actually weed is legal in Cali.
Whatevs these girls break all kinds of laws. They kill Jenny! Hello that’s a serious law! That’s an “L Word.” Laws.

++

RIESE’S RULES FOR LIFE #1: When you get to the point in a relationship where you spend more time talking about the relationship than actually having the relationship, it’s not therapy time, it’s time to break up.

++
Helena for Nike: Just Do Her.

Helena, looking stunning in her jogging outfit, will not take sides.

Riese: “I’ve been to jail, I know what it’s like to take sides!”
Carly: “I will fuck your shit up!”

Well Luckily We Don’t Live in Arkansas

Luckily Bette & Tina have great news! They’ve had such a fun time barely taking care of their 4.5 year-old child they’ve decided to adopt yet another. I think Ilene probs just picks this shit out of a hat. Maybe out of Aretha Franklin’s giant hat. Their baby will arrive wrapped in a gigantic ribbon.

Guess what? Jenny’s a giant bitch now. Instead of matching characters to appropriate plots, Ilene picks plots and then assigns them randomly to characters. Jenny can’t possibly write with Bette & Tina’s hypothetical construction racket. This conversation is weird, I hate everyone.

++
Remember that Last Roomate We Picked? The Rapey Guy?

“You don’t need a new roommate,” Shane pleads. She can’t stay on Kit’s couch forever. Just this morning Kit took the couch apart and turned it into a shirt! That’s crazy! Jenny wants to know why Shane’s the only one who doesn’t pay. Actually I think Shane did pay for those waffles, and thusly she clarifies. “I am paying.” See Jenny, it’s not on the house. There are no handouts for cheaters. Get in the bread line, Oliver Twist! Rawr!

---

Shane’s putting in flower boxes for Jenny. First it’s putting in flower boxes, than it’s deflowering her box. This is the way that we live. Actually I think Shane is secretly a masochist. She needs to fuck up and then be bossed around in order to behave.

I hope no-one accidentally digs up Sounder.

Flower Children

Carly: “I’m gonna garden for you.”
Riese: “She’s gonna eat dirt is what she’s gonna do. She’s about to get down in there and eat some dirt.”

Let’s Hear it for the BOYS!

Carly: “BOUNTY THE QUICKER PICKER- upper!”
Riese: “Oh she needs Max to help her with the computer.”
Carly: “Maybe he can do a computer search for her.”
Riese: “Oh he’s going to his final consult. What could possibly go wrong?!”

---

++
It’s like The Notebook, but With Girls instead of notebooks.

Lez Girls is now called “The Girls,” has a new poster and a new marketing plan and this particular concept has “tested well” amongst key demographics. For example: douchetards, asshats and twatwaffles all found this boy to be a very inspiring male romantic lead, also harbor fantasies of bringing a lesbian back over to men.

Tina’s pissed — How did she miss this? — Aaron lets her know that apparently Tina needs to “get on board” because “the train’s not going to Lezzie town.”

++

Carly: “Maybe your train isn’t but my train is.”

This is the way that we live.
++
Speaking of trains, did Adele get on one and go away? Where’s Adele? Isn’t this all her fault/film?

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This Business of Bad Art

Jodi’s art project is garnering rave reviews, even Phyllis is at the meeting, as well as some “old hippie artsy types with beads and flowy sleeves” from Central Casting. Personally, I’m baffled that TLW drops characters like they’re hot, but carries Jodi’s CORE installation art piece over into Season Six?

Robin: “This meeting is like a Benneton ad, let’s get one representative from every ethnicity .”
Riese: “Oh look, they’ve gotten every character I don’t care about together in the same room. Let’s throw Max in there.”

Carly: “Bette’s here!”
Riese: “Bette and her sleeves.”
Carly: [in the same voice she uses to imitate everyone, it sounds kinda like a South park adult character] “Sorry I was late you guys, I just have some jet-lag from these sleeves.”

++
I Hear BP’s Not a Fan of JL’s Latest Art Project!

Gossip Guy wants to know how the dean responded to the work. Probs with the same confusion, shock and awe we all experienced. Probs “how did I not notice the handycam you were holding while we were making love?” Bette’s unimpressed with all this back-and-forth. So am I, this kind of behavior is entirely inappropriate and would never happen at an adult board meeting of adults. La la la.

++
Hey Hey The Gang’s All Here!

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Feel my Pecs, BRO!

Max is at the doctor for his final checkup, talking eagerly with the spirit of a young lad on the playground about the growth in his pecs. Unfortunately, says the Horse-y doctor, there’s been a problem.

If you’re ever at a loss for what Ilene will use this season, just watch Oprah. I hope there’s an episode coming up where everyone in the audience wins a free car. Let’s watch this surprise unfold:

++
Doctor: “I’m afraid there’s a problem.”
Max: “What’s the problem?”
Doctor: “You’re pregnant.”
++
++

Following this announcement, we learn that Bette’s been frequenting a high-class $1,000/hour prostitution ring under the name “Client #9” and she’ll be forced to resign from her position, a new hot closeted lesbian character joins the cast after escaping from a Texas polygamist ranch, Jenny will be beheaded on Greyhound Bus (that’s who killed Jenny, p.s.), Nikki will openly date Samantha Ronson, Helena will kidnap her child and flee the state to later be uncovered as a fraud who was never really a Peabody, Kit Porter will perform at the Presidential Inauguration wearing something she’d probs wear any given day anyhow, and it’ll become illegal for gays to get married.

---

Bette’s going back to Phyllis’s office to remind her that CORE is douchebag. Furthermore!! Jodi could be sued for slander and defamation of character. But Bette doesn’t get to express any of those topics out loud because HEY! Speaking of suing people, there’s a naked lawyer in Phyllis’s office!

++
Naked Lynch
++

Carly: “We’ve discussed this, the Lynch can do no wrong.”
Robin: “I met her at Dinah Shore, she can do no wrong. She is amazing.”
A;ex: “Oh I saw her on the plane to Dinah Shore.”
Robin: “No wrong, she can do no wrong.”
Riese: “If I wanted someone to take me back, the last thing I’d do is come into the room naked. That’s definitely not the right way to sell this package.”

Bette’s reaction is priceless.
And then Bette exits.
Bette & Phyllis’s friendship is kinda funny, yeah?
Well done!
++

C’mon, It’s Not Like They’re Gonna Pass Prop 8, Baby!

As long as the state of California honors their love, Joyce would like Phyllis to marry her. Hey-o! Too late! Ding Dong the Mormons have lynched your plan, Wyshnia. Sorry Charlie. You’re just gonna have to get commitment ceremonied.

Anyhow, back in fantasy-land, Wyshnia begs Phyllis to say yes, and tells her Gavin the mayor of San Francisco will officiate. Phyllis says she never wanted to get married. Joyce says she’s cold. Where are her clothes, why does she need to be wrapped up in a random blanket? Is that Sunset Boulevard’s dress? Then Phyllis says yes, they will get married. I think I predicted this about five minutes ago. La la la. Yay! We love Jane Lynch and lesbians! Yay!

The Hoppy Couple!

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Another Day, Another Hot Lesbian Couple in my Office, Another Express for Men Sweater

I don’t trust this Dan Foxworthy fellow. I think he has a lesbian fetish. Remember in Season One, Episode One, when Bette complained that she didn’t think she could be helped by a male therapist?

Now it’s Season Six, Episode Two … I still agree with Bette, and Ilene still doesn’t care.

++
Please direct your attention to Alice’s lap, where her skirt is having a (red) party.

Carly: “What kind of incident happened on Alice’s lap?”
Riese: “It’s her period. she’s a woman now.”
A;ex: “It’s like menstrual fireworks!”
Carly: “Menstrual fireworks, are you kidding me, that’s amazing! Write that down. Trademark Alex.”

Lesbian Squabble #9: I Think It’s Best We do it Bettina’s Therapist’s Way

In the Ring: Tasha vs. Alice

Content: Soooo Alice keeps talking for/over Tasha. Dan asks Tasha questions, and Alice answers them for her. Get it? It’s like she’s not letting Tasha be her own woman. Which is a shame ’cause I think the reason Tasha doesn’t want couples therapy is ’cause she’s pretty much already got this shit figured out sans therapy. For example, when she’s finally given a moment to speak on the topic of why did Alice tell her about the Other Woman even though she knew how Tasha would react:

Tasha: “I think that she told me because she wanted to break up with me and bringing this woman between us was the easiest way to do that. She knew how I felt, she knew that I would break up with her and when I did, she got scared.”

Who Wins?: Tasha.

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Are You Gonna Tell me Your Name’s on the Birth Certificate and You Also Want an Abortion?

‘Cause That Lady Couldn’t Even Read a Thermometer

Max is getting lip from the Abortion Secretary who doesn’t think he should be there, she thinks he’s a dude. She’s probs afraid he’s got a pipe bomb and some fetus photos from Jesus with him that he’s gonna whip out for a multi-media fireworks presentation.

Max flies off the handle. I bet when Daniela Sea got these sides she had to smoke a bunch of weed and then cry for three days.

Carly: “Did you watch Oprah? I’m like that guy?”
Riese: “He wrote a book?”
Carly: “RIPPED from the headlines!”

EVER SEEN THAT MOVIE JUNIOR?

… Max turns around and announces it to the room, that he’s a man and he’s pregnant. You can almost see the pain in Daniela’s eyes as she’s forced to perform this ridiculous farce. Max asks the room: “Don’t you read the fucking tabloids?” Well, they might not, but Ilene certainly does.

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Splish Splash Shane Was Takin’ a Bath

Jenny’s gotten Shane to wash her car. I don’t mind, because I think Shane looks hot in white t-shirts. Jenny goes outside and asks Shane to turn down the music so she can write.

What’s with Jenny’s obsessiveness about noise happening while she’s trying to write? Oh! Then she can’t hear what everyone else is saying and transcribe it, which is what she so loosely defines as “writing.”

However, in this instance, it appears that she’s typing in her screenplay that Shane the character tells Jenny the character: “I want to change. You’re the only one who can help me,” which’s defo not being said in real life. Or like in the real life of this teevee show’s life WHATEVER. I think this might be the biggest clue to wtf is going on this season we’re ever gonna get.

Carwash Cunt.
++

Shane is WHIPPED!

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Tasha and Alice are sitting on the therapy couch, holding each other’s arms, promising to not be judgey, to make breakfast, and to make room for each other’s stuff. This comes completely out of the blue. That’s okay. So do shooting stars, so it’s not necessarily bad, just probs a little weird for everyone.

Tasha’s no longer annoyed by every word Alice speaks, and they are cutely smiling while Dan makes the creepy shotgun finger-fucking gesture again.

Carly: “This is like an e-harmony commercial — “I promise to always take the trash out, even though you’re better at it.”
Riese: “… and Dan’s ready for the makeout. He’s got his fingers on his lips like he’d rather have them up Alice or Tasha’s vagina. So that Alice can have an abortion all over her dress.”

Dan: “I’m not gonna give you homework. I don’t think you two should be in therapy.”
Tasha: “That’s what I said, see.”
Alice: “WE rock!”
Dan: “You two have so little in common, I really don’t think you belong together.”
++
Hm, if only Dan Foxworthy had been in the writer’s meeting for this episode. That’d be a better place than his office, ’cause um, therapists aren’t allowed to say shit like that.

---

And then I said, NO, it’s just a bunch of red flowers! I’m not BLEEDING!

Tasha & Alice are not happy about their therapy experience. How can he judge them after only 55 minutes of knowing them? Well, I’ve probs witnessed about 55 minutes of their relationship too and I think it’s a stretch.

But … I like them together anyhow mostly because they are both pretty and because it reminds me of a relationship I once had which obviously failed spectacularly but holds a special tortured unable-to-get-over place in my heart.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #2: We got our VAGINAS in Common, Man!
The Players: Alice and Tasha
The Pick-Up: “C’mere.”
Hot or Not: Yes. But really brief!
++

++

Carly: “Is Alice wearing Spanx?”
Riese: “I think that’s her virginity corset, obvs it’s been violated, thus the skirt.”
Carly: “See what you did there? You brought it back around.”
Riese: “That’s what I do.”

---

Lesbian – Adjacent-Storyline Squabble #10: But He’ll Have Pecs Like Mr. T!
In the Ring: Max vs. Tom
Content: Tom wants to know why Max wasn’t warned that he could still get preggers even on testosterone. Max suggests that his doctor didn’t know he was “stupid enough to let some faggot fuck [him],” which is an abrasive communication strategy. Max is gonna need a little more nurture and a lot less nature if he wants to get through this shit.

Tom points out that it isn’t his fault, and in return for that opinion he gets a big kick in the ol’ nutsack. Max is I believe attempting to sterilize him. I’ve heard good things about condoms, but you know. Not really my scene these days. Good luck LOL.

Max: “Who the hell else am I supposed to blame?”
++
BLAME IT ON THE RAIN THAT WAS FALLING, BLAME IT ON THE RAIN YEAH YEAH

Riese: “Blame Bitch!”
Carly: “Blame Animal!”
Riese: “No, Animal dated Susan Powter. Daniella Sea is dating bitch.”
Robin: “Who’s Bitch?”
Carly & Riese: “That’s Daniela Sea’s girlfriend, her name is Bitch from the band Bitch & Animal.”
Alex: “Her name is Bitch? That’s her name?”
Carly: “When in doubt, Blame Bitch.”

---

I Want to Draw You a Pros & Cons List of My Head and Heart

They’re gonna make a pros and cons list for their relationship. This is a lot of workshop and mental muscle expended on a relationship that’s been so brief. Well, I guess if Angelica has been alive for 4 and a half years, it’s possible Tasha and Alice were high school sweethearts. Tasha objects to the marker being black.

Riese: “Tasha needs to take that shirt off, are they trying to figure out where to go on vacation? What’s with the marker.”
Carly: “It’s her “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego” shirt.”
Riese: “Personally I’d like to know where in the world is Carmen De La Pica Morales.

Alice says red is happy, Tasha says that red is the devil. Oh boy. Carly predicts that they’re gonna do it on the list. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. Nope. Moving on.

---

God It Was Strange To See You Again

I have only one thing to say about this scene: wtf with Bette using the word “beeotch”? Bette would never say that. Never ever! Maybe this whole season was just a bad dream. This’s becoming far more likely. To say I’d prefer this season to turn out to be a bad dream is really revelatory of how I feel about this show.

++
Introduced by a Friend of a Friend

Bette & Tina are at a gallery opening hosted by a rich divorceè, Bette’s jealous and wishes she had a space like this when she had her own gallery (that’s foreshadowing), Bette meets the owner Kelly and Kelly is like, don’t you remember me? You used to have sexual dreams about me every night I heard you calling my name like a cougar! You GO GIRL! OOOO I like that leopard print it reminds me of this super tacky show I used to be on. Anyone got some uppers?

Riese: “Bette’s shirt has jungle fever.”
Carly: “Hey, Bette, the jungle called .”

I Haven’t Seen You Since God — the late 90’s? Showgirls?

Tina keeps shooting Bette “isn’t she annoying?” looks but Bette misses all of them. I hate it when that happens. It’s like that scene in Lost in Translation when she realizes her boyfriend doesn’t see how stupid that girl is and then realizes that the relationship will never work because of this, ’cause Bette & Tina are normally totally eye-to-eye on this stuff.

And you know what, this is EXACTLY what we need. Another annoying character!

Riese: “Omg it’s Jessie Spano!”
Robin & Carly & Alex & Caitlin: “I’m so excited!”

I Got So City Girl on You

Bette says she thought Jessie Spano was married to New York forever. Jessie said she thought she was married to Dan Wentworth forever. You know, Bette, like in the vows. The vows you’ll never be able to take, ’cause you’re a HOMO!

Riese: “I thought she was married to A.C. Slater forever.”
Carly: “We’re NEVER gonna run out of jokes about her.”

Bette was probs the only out lesbian in college, probs could have whomever she wants, because beautiful+out = nonstop pussy. Tina knows who Kelly is from Bette’s stories and now Bette cutely recalls that Jessie “let me kiss her once and [was] so seized by a deep and abiding homosexual panic that she left our house immediately.”

Also … Bette introduces Tina as her “partner.”

Riese: “Partner? partner? Why’d she say partner? Then Tina could just be like, her business partner.”
Carly: “Well what else can she say?”
Robin: “She can’t say lover–”
Riese: “Girlfriend, girlfriend!”
A;ex: “But some people call all their friends ‘girlfriends’.”
Cait: “Yeah a lot of people still do that.”
Riese: “Well they should stop!”

++
Jessie: “She got over me in two minutes.”
Bette: “Ten.”
++

Oh man, that’s her. That’s the straight girl she couldn’t have. Everyone has one of these girls. These girls should probs just go to the Biosphere, it’s raining women in Ilene’s mind.

---

Well OurChart’s folding, So I’ve Been Experimenting with Other Visual Aids

Alice likes to solve all of her problems by getting out markers and a large flat surface to write on. It worked for The Chart, will it save their relationship? This is a lot of processing. Srsly if we wanted to go to therapy, we’d just call Dan Foxworthy. Aw. They’re so pretty!

‘Cause the cons outweigh the pros, now they’re just gonna assign point values to everything on the list and therefore skew it back in their direction.

And Wow! Suddenly Tasha wants to like Alice again! la la la! Magically, the point system balances it out and the pros are now winning.

This scene was my favorite part of the episode ’cause I got to pause the DVD and look really closely to read the list. ‘Cause you know, just as a casual watcher of this program, I really have no idea what brings these two people together or sets them apart or even how long they’ve been together, and after reading these lists on pause I feel finally like I know SOMETHING about what their relationship consists of. “T makes the bed nice and tight!” That’s so cute.

++

++

“T Calls A cute and A likes it”!!

---

Interlude #1: I have some questions for Ilene Chaiken. Tasha and Alice — why haven’t you shown them doing anything cute or fun together besides sex? We only see the conflict, we never see the good parts, and so it’s confusing. I’d genuinely like to know. It’s the same thing that happened with Bette and Jodi. Shane is the only one that dates people and is actually happy while in the relationship, yet also she’s the only one that apparently doesn’t do relationships! This is sort of weird you know? Okay done now.

---

Everyone Laugh Like Someone Said Something Really Funny, My Ex is Coming Over.

Back at the art gallery we see that … Kelly is needy and obnoxious. I wonder if she was named after Kelly Kapowski, that’d be so meta … Bette sees Jodi with another woman, ’cause this is the world where Jodi always has like 100 girlfriends even though she’s super immature and just made a defamatory art piece about her ex-girlfriend who is amazing. Jodi is really, really inappropriate in general, she’s got no boundaries. I mean it’s ridiculous. Again here we have Mama Chaiken bringing a character onto the show who represents a marginalized barely visible segment of the population only to make them annoying and unlikeable.

Lesbian Squabble #11: There I am in the morning, I dont like what I see
In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi
Content: James, per always, is totally on the ball, and has attempted to contact Jodi about the “meeting” and she has not responded. She’s been busy. Bette says Jodi reports to her. Jodi says she doesn’t report to anyone, which isn’t true, as Bette just said, Jodi reports to her. Speaking of, she’s got ’til tomorrow to report.
Who Wins? JAMES! Auto-Winner. No, Bette wins ’cause Jodi is annoying and Bette is right.
++

Is Bette Burning an Eternal Flame?

Meanwhile, Jessie is telling Tina about how in college Bette attracted the women like moths to a flame and burned them all. That’s a nice thing to say to someone’s girlfriend. Oh she probs just heard “partner.” Can we just put a cap on new characters? Jessie should go back and study so Screech won’t beat her for valedictorian.

---

OMG I wonder what’s going on at Hit Club? I bet all the cool girls are there like LiLo and SamRo and Dylan.

Alice is complaining about how boring Helena & Kit are ’cause they’re not doing sex or alcohol. But then she spots something very not-boring.

Riese: “Beaded curtains. Look Carly, beaded curtains!”
Carly: “Ooo stolen from the set of South of Nowhere.”

Riese: “Look Alex that girl is wearing your gold hot pants!”
A;ex: “Those are Chi-Chi Rodriguez’s hot pants.”

So Helena’s new MO is sex without attachments. She learned it from The Tao of Shane. Speaking of sex and attachments, Alice begins her string of AWESOME in this scene, by gesturing to the filling of the “lesbian sandwich at twelve o’clock.” This whole scene = AWESOME.

++

++
Tasha: “That girl used to be straight?”
Alice: “Well, she wasn’t gay when she was fucking Helena.”
++

++

++
ALICE QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “I’m just sayin’, of all the gin joints in all the world –”
++

Helena remains poised and beautiful while everyone else freaks out.

Alice adds: “well, looks like someone’s carpet’s about to get munched.”

---

He’s Playing Leisure Suite Larry

Caitlin: “Oh, that happens to me all the time.”
Riese: “The good ol’ phone throw. Let out your aggression and eliminate personal contact all at once. Kill two birds with one blackberry.”

Tom apologizes for how he reacted and suggests they become a couple of Hollywood “fag dads.” Good idea, they could go on the Rosie cruise with us! Max doesn’t know if he can handle this, he can barely handle his own beard!

He was probs just trying to sterilize him.  I can’t wait for them to have pregnant sex, that’ll be really complicated and break all kinds of traditional gender boundaries.

---

Why Do You Have to Point Out How Stupid Everyone is All The Time?
Because they Are.

Tina’s complaining about how annoying Kelly/Jessie Spano was. I totally agree. Tina is my new favorite character this season, she’s the only one who ever makes sense.

++

Riese: “Where did this bathroom come from? It looks like the bathroom of a classy club.”
Carly: “They had the bathroom re-done. It’s part of the construction.”
Riese: “That is not the bathroom where Tina discovered she was ovulating.”

++
Tina: “She said no matter whether you were in a relationship or not you always had at least two other women on the side.”
Bette: “Kelly was too busy fucking every male professor to pay attention to what I was doing.”
Tina: “Oh and another thing, she’s sorry she didn’t take you up on that offer 20 years ago.”
++

Tina’s evolved and says that it’s Bette’s nature to flirt and stuff. I think she’s trying to broach the open relationship topic to prevent being lied to and betrayed, but Bette’s doing that stubborn thing where she is convinced she can just go cold turkey. Usually people who doubt their ability to regulate their vices in moderation insist upon complete abstinence. Usually these people fail.

“Don’t you flirt?” Bette asks Tina. Tina says yes but it’s not the same, because she isn’t the fabulous stunning room-stopping woman that Bette is. I mean JK: “Because it FEEDS you. You feed off people wanting you. And they do want you. It’s like blood to a vampire.”

That’s like a very strange thing to say I feel. I feel itchy.

Carly: “OOOO! That would be a good plot twist! If Bette was a vampire!”
Riese:“Like Twilight! You know that book that’s popular with the kids now?”
Carly: “You know, all the cool kids are doing it.”
Riese: “RIPPED from the headlines of the Arts & Leisure Section!”

Lesbian Sexy Moment #3: And All I Want is You
The Players: Bette vs. Tina
The Pick-Up: “I only want you.”
Hot or Not? I kind of like how every time they have sex Bette is fully serious about seducing her. After however many years (this has been made quite ambiguous by the recent revelation of Angelica’s age) (obsessed with this now!) she still sticks her hand demurely but insistently between Tina’s legs and whispers in a sexy voice. Nice work, Tibette (the couple, not the country, that’s different)..
++

---

No Other Gin Joints? REALLY, Dylan?

Alice has decided to take matters into her own hands. This is why I like Alice, ’cause she does shit like this. And so do I. She’s gonna go regulate a smackdown on Dylan but she needs back-up from her big butch daddy. In fact this is definitely one of the best scenes ever. Thank you Leisha Hailey for existing.

Riese: “Oh, I would totally do that. You GO Alice.”
Cait: “We totally DID that!”
A;ex: “Yeah that smackdown at the Tegan & Sara concert.”
Cait: “The failed smackdown of ’08.”

drawing of a;ex during our failed smackdown

++

---

Anyhow Helena comes over to take this conversation elsewhere, Dylan’s caught off guard. Dylan thanks Helena for helping her to discover that she’s a big ol’ lez. Helena is cold and stoic as ice. Dylan “can’t begin to tell [her] how sorry [she is] about everything, about what [she] did, and how [she] treated” Helena.

Yup. You probs can’t. So you should probs stop talking. Howevs Dylan did enable one of Peggy Peabody’s greatest lines of all time, but that is neither here nor there so. Dylan’s never stopped thinking about Helena and wishing that she’d met her at a different time in her life. Hmm, just in time to be totally too late.

Alice tells Tasha the story of Dylena, and it’s not really Alice telling Tasha the story of Dylena so much as it’s Leisha Hailey telling Rose Rollins about all the ridiculous stories they went through before Rose even rolled UP! to this pop stand. “You thought Papi was bad? CHECK THIS ONE OUT!”

Tasha: “You’re a better person that me. I’d have to beat a bitch down if she tried to do that shit to me.”
Alice: “Are you okay?”
Helena: “I’m perfect.”
Alice: “And don’t even get me started on her kids, ’cause where did they go?”

---

Lesbian Squabble #13: When Your Love Lets You Go, You Only Want Love More, Even When Love Wasn’t What You Were Looking For
In the Ring: Helena vs. Dylan
Round Two: Helena runs out of the HIT Club, looking stunning I must add, and slams Dylan up against her car, and yells —

Helena: “I don’t give a FUCK who’s idea it was. You took part. You manipulated my emotions, you used me, and you humiliated me, and you’ve got to be fucking insane thinking you could just prance in here as if nothing ever happened, tell me that you’re happy, tell me that you’re out of the closet, tell me that you’re oh so sorry for destroying my fucking life. FUCK YOU.” [runs off still looking sexy]
Dylan: [shouting] “Thank you. Now at least I know you care.”
++
That is a really retarded thing to say.
++

Who wins? HELENA. Also, I feel like I could cut and paste that little speech onto a thousand people I’d like to say that to.

Riese: “Dylan’s number one feeling is Helena’s nipples.”
Carly: “My number one feeling is this fucking show.”

---

Interlude: A Brief Riese PSA on the Topic of Shenny: A Fangirl Moment.

I dug Sholly, Sharmen, Shane-Cherie. I mourn those losses. But I dig Shenny too. By that I mean I dig the Shenny we’ve imagined in previous seasons when Jenny’s character made more sense. Clearly this season Jenny’s gonna be 1. Psycho, 2. Not Funny, 3. Not Referred to as Medically Insane and rather a total bitch for no reason.

But. For now. For the little bits at the start of Shenny, like the one we get tonight … they’ll be like what we’d imagined earlier. I think seeds were planted — either there’s something “more” between Shane & Jenny, or it’s a big empty leap and all the prior hints — the sexual tension, the Shane defending Jenny no matter what — were also big empty leaps re: their alleged best friendship. TLW likes those, so it’s possible (she’s done it with Tom & Max, Tasha & Alice, Helena & Tina, etc) that it’s just another empty leap.

But, it’s also totally possible that it could be serious deep love that’s never been brought to the surface before but the potential has always existed — the romantic love between them explains everything that’s happened before and it can translate easily into a relationship AND redic sexual tension. I’ve been hyper-invested/interested in Shane and Jenny all along so I’ve been paying hyper-attention to this since Season Two when I think it started, but if you aren’t like me and have been focusing elsewhere, this probs makes no sense.

They’re both damaged w/r/t personal histories, they’re self-destructive, complicated, they follow impulse over goodness. They struggle with dichotomy & loyalty. Shane wants to be a better person, and I think Jenny does too — or she did, once upon a time …

[What remains is mostly due to Mia & Kate.]

I don’t think Jenny inspires Shane to be a better person a là Molly & Carmen, but I think Shane thinks Jenny “gets her” in a way others don’t, that’s why she’s latched onto her from the start. So I buy it. I’ve been expecting it. I get why you don’t, but I do, and I love it.

Or maybe ’cause this show is weird and at least this interests me. I mean, Jenny witnessed Shane having sex in the pool on like her first day in WeHo, and it all comes back around!

Also I have another theory: Jenny is really good in bed. You know it’s the crazy ones who are always super good from the get-go ’cause there’s no self-consciousness, only pleasure. Remember how that was like, the core of her relationship with Carmen? With Carmen! Carmen goddess of the universe!

You guys got Bettina, let us have this! C’mon, do you think I’d ever defend a choice made on this fucking ridiculous excuse of a show unless I really meant it? IT’S IN THE OPENING CREDITS! We know the opening credits are there for mind control, don’t resist it.

Anyhow back to the show!!

---

Shane’s finally had enough. She comes over to unlock the door and Jenny’s new BFF, The Crafty Chain Lock, foils Shane’s entrance. Jenny petulantly goes to the door and answers it. This really is not the same Jenny we knew in Season One, when it made logical sense not to like her personality, but it was possible to get her too.

Now she’s just a bitch all the time. Why? What are they doing to Jenny, they can’t do this unless it’s gonna be funny.

But Something Told Me to Run
Look at all the books on Shane’s shelf. She reads! Who knew?
++

And Honey You Know Me It’s All Or None

Anyhow, Jenny wants to know if that’s it? Is Shane done trying? Is she gonna bow out before she even tries walking on broken glass? Shane doesn’t know what else she could do. She’s packing up.

Jenny stands in the hallway in her black dress, with her tendrils, looking sorta curvy and beautiful, like someone you’d want to take a nap with. Her legs are crossed, she fidgets, she looks down and plays with her fingers, she’s nervous. And Shane is in her room with a toothbrush in her mouth when Jenny begins to speak: “Shane, you know that it was you, right? When I said that ‘you broke my heart’? I was talking about you.” (sidenote: Mia’s Canadian accent is full-on this season!)

Shane stops moving, her brain starts shifting to wrap itself around this new idea.

“When I said it I felt like my heart was breaking,” Jenny continues, and then pauses as Shane comes out into the hallway and looks at her, wide-eyed like she does when she doesn’t have enough information to compute yet.

Shane feels terrible. It’s like if she can’t make this one work, if she can’t keep this one thing, then there’s no hope. Of course she’s said this 100 times before. But that’s what life is, we just do the same things over and over again, like every one will change everything.

The trying is all.
The mystery is all.

All I Know Is That I Should
Shane says: “I tried to tell you all week how sorry I am. I’m not ever gonna hurt you like that again.”
++
“I also realized that I’m in love with you,” Jenny adds.
She shrugs one shoulder. “I’m just like all those stupid girls.”
++

And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you

++

You meant more to me Than Anyone I Ever Loved at All
++
Jenny walks to her room.
++
Shane walks down the hallway, doing that thing she does with her hands when she doesn’t know if it’s okay to go where she’s going just yet …
+

But You Taught Me How to Trust Myself And So I Say To You
Shane calls “Jenny?” and Jenny comes out and Shane hugs her super-tight.
++

This is What I Have To Do
It might just be a friendship hug, a consolation hug, a thanks for the love but I just can’t hug, but it’s not. They part, and then Shane does that thing she does (the scoop undertowed lean-in with hand-grasping-head pre-kiss gesture) and,
ladies and pregnant gentleman,
they kiss.
++
And 75% of the audience yells and throws sporks and Moon Pies and Dos Equis bottles at the teevee.

And 25% of the audience has the same freakout 75% of the audience had when Tina was hiding from her date in the back room at SheBar and Bette comes back and they talk and then Tina starts walking away and then Bette pulls her back and then they finally kiss again — episode 504.
YAY SHENNY!
++

++

All I Know Is That I Should
++
C’mon. Someone’s gotta make Shane feel completely dismantled …
++

Lesbian Sexy Moment #4: You Slip Your Heart Into my Chest
The Players: Shane & Jenny
The Pick-Up: “Jenny?”
++
I will say, though, that Jenny’s realization of this in 512 was weak — but it’s not that the build-up wasn’t done well, it’s the pivotal incident that didn’t work. Anyhoooo.
++
THE END!!!
++
The Round-Up
Lesbian Squabbles: 7 this episode, 13 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 3 this episode, 4 total
Quote of the Week: Alice
++

The L Word Episode 601 Recap: Long Night’s Journey Into Day

This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.

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La la la la la. L word L Word L Word. Shane Shane Shane Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny. Kill kill kill kill. Bette Bette Bette Tina Tina Tina. Let’s make it like The Gauntlet this year. We’ll be on teams, and an exec board will determine point distribution at each episode’s end. Like Team Shenny, Team “TiBette” (not to be confused with the country, which’s quite different), Team Sholly … Sharmen obvs, but those kids haven’t had a good season in a while. RIP Danish. Team Dylena, Talice … you know. JoBette. Um, who did Max date? Tax? KitTOE? Mace? Paine? HellKat? Jiki? Those are the lyrics to EZ Girls’s next single. You read it here first. Today I’m going to talk to you about feelings.

I got really upset when I learned all the remaining episode titles and none of them were “LL Cool J,” starring LL Cool J, which is what I thought this show was eventually going to be about. I sat through Bette’s meditation retreat, Jenny’s poetry and Henry’s toenails waiting for Ladies Love Cool James. Sigh.

We’re going to be transitioning to a new site within the next week or two [previous deadline: today], so stay tuned for that, it’ll automatically redirect at one point but just like be excitant.

Anyhow let’s go!

As this picture demonstrates, our enthusiasm for Episode 601 is high. Guests for today’s premiere include last year’s guests Carly and Alex and Caitlin (not pictured) as well as L Word Online co-leader Oz (all the way from Australia!), Alexi’s Closet superstar Alexi Melvin as well as supreme Canadian artist Sam and supreme photographer Robin. I like to surround myself with beautiful talented people. “Supreme,” you could say.

---

Carly: You know what would be fucking awesome?
Riese: Kool-Aid?
Carly: If they got some random hot celebrity lesbian icon to be in the last season of The L Word, like — like — as a guest role —
Riese: Oh my G-d, I’m totally feeling you–
Carly: And they could be like a cop or something — and be like in the very first scene —
Riese: Yeah like if Xena the Warrior Princess stepped out of that car —
[Lucy Lawless steps out of the car]
Carly & Riese: OMG OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAD NO IDEA LUCY LAWLESS!!!

I Was Told I’d Find my Fan Base Here?
This is that show no one actually likes but everyone has to watch out of homosexual obligation, right? Anyone? Ah There They Are!

Xena the Warrior Princess has gone to Police Academy and now she’s at Casa Bettina. I guess someone died. I wonder who it was. Probs Angus, did you ever like that dude? Yeah me neither. There’s been plenty of logical spaces to insert a murder over the last four years, why this, and now? E.g., if someone had murdered Season Two Mark, that’d explain his sudden undiscussed absence. G-d I’m obsessed with that kid! VANISHED! Like a Cipher in the Snow! Where’s his lesbian icon superheroine?

Anyhow … you know the drill: body found in the pool, ladies inside, a bottle of wine, some sort of party. If you missed the first two minutes, do yourself a favor and kill yourself right now. Jenny did. JK, dunno who killed her but I’ve got a new theory — self-defense. The L-Word Ladies aren’t killers but Jenny coulda gone off the deep end (no pun intended) (totally intended) and tried to off one of them, and one must defend oneself. These girls don’t look too upset, this isn’t exactly Sitting Shivah.

You know, the more I watch this (many times) the more it seems like either all these actors are bad actors, or all these characters are acting. You get my drift? Srsly think about it.

++
Sooo … anyone wanna grab a cheeseburger and hit the cemetery?

Sgt. Xena is gonna have to ask the ladies a few questions. MMM hmm. Shane’ll go first, the evidence is inside her vaginal canal, let’s get this show on the road! Good thing they brought Angie out for all this. That girl’s not gonna have enough questions for her future therapist as it is.

Riese: “Angelica was “asleep at the time of the incident.” Not exactly a rock-solid alibi.”
Carly: “What if Angelica was like, ‘I’m just here to help guys!’, with a little Fisher Price fingerprint duster.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT’S JENNY! IT’S JENNY SHE’S DEAD YOU GUYS!
++

Everyone is doing a really pathetic job of looking “shocked” in this photo.

---

This show’s persistent employment of “The Way that We Live” reminds us immediately THAT NO ONE CARES WHAT WE WANT. Regardless, if you look really closely (and I’m sure many of you have), not only do you see that all these people are one-dimensional (I know, it’s teevee, but you know what I’m talking about, do nice), but that Jenny is fully SKIPPING her way through the intro. Skipping her way towards DEATH, is more like it.

This is The Way it’s the Way That We Skip

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Ladies, I’ve something quite special to bestow upon you today. I’ll update it periodically throughout the season. For example, it’s possible I’ll soon add Adele to the Vortex, or perhaps remove someone … someone … spicy … really really really. Actually what I need is a Vortex intern. Your PSD awaits.

Then something magical happens … it’s now THREE MONTHS EARLIER. We pick up right where we left off, at the wrap party for Lez Girls. This is an unusual choice for The L Word but never fear, 90% of the people in this scene will never be seen or heard from again. (see: VORTEX)

Carly: “If there’s one thing this show is, it’s thorough.”
Caitlin: “They always tie everything right up …”

Jenny gives her speech, says she’s in love with someone …

Robin: HERSELF.

Shane eats Nikki’s vagina, everyone clap clap clap (not the STD, the emotive gesture), Adele is a cunt, they’re changing the ending of the movie to be a boy-girl love story, everyone’s livid, woman bake me a pie, Jenny tells Shane “you broke my heart” except maybe she was talking to Nikki (obvs she was talking to Shane), NOW it’s time for a car chase!

++

New material starts now!


Lesbian Squabble #1: All My Promises Are Out the Window When You’re Gone
In the Ring: Shane’s hot on Jenny’s trail with Nikki in the rear w/her driver.
Game On: Serious car-chase. Shane says “fuck” a lot, Jenny ignores Shane’s calls & looks possessed. Jenny, head-start enabled, wins by a hair, leaving Shane locked out & pounding on the door as she so often does and Nikki clattering up behind her like a lost but very attractive and expensively adorned puppy.
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Who’s In YOUR Top 5?

P.S. Jenny’s got a Season Two Promo shot of Shane on her phone, obvs she got that shit from the press release. These chicks need to take their own photos.
Les-Squab #1 To Be Continued …

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Lesbian Squabble #2: Baby it Seems We Never Ever Agree, You Like Cute Scooters, and I Like Humvees.
In the Ring: Alice vs. Tasha
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Content: This reminds me so much of problems/fights I had with my ex-girlfriend!

Firstly, I have Alice has a lot of friends, and they have a lot of feelings, and sometimes, they’ve gotta call/text her and if she takes it it’s not ’cause she doesn’t care about you, T, but ’cause one day you’re gonna dump Alice, and then she’s gonna have feelings and what if they ignore her ’cause they’re with their girlfriend? Also, Tasha, Alice makes you laugh. Also you’re both very beautiful, I like looking at both of your beautiful faces together making out.

Tasha just thinks they’re too different for it to work, and says she’ll save Alice the trouble of breaking up with her by furiously packing her large canvas bag. Actually, breaking up isn’t much trouble, Alice could’ve just changed her status on OurChart. Oh, sorry. RIP OurChart. Is it too soon? It’s too soon.

Carly: “I got my army regulation bag and my army regulation stuff–”
Riese: “And that black dress you made me wear for that fucking ridiculous promo shoot for your stupid show–“

++

I Take Things Serious, and You Take ‘Em Light

Alice changed her mind, she doesn’t wanna break up anymore. Furthermore, she won’t let Tasha “fly off the handle” and “corner, accuse and blame” Alice when they’re both aware they’ve been unhappy. Alice sweetly changes strategy and becomes intensely adorable. Tasha wants to know why she’s so damn cute all of a sudden. Well, Alice explains, it all started when I saw Shane saucing clams with her BFF’s GF…

++
Alice: “It made me think twice about taking her advice.”
Tasha: “So Shane gave you romantic advice?“
Alice: “Oh come on you know we talk about everything –”
Tasha: “And you actually thought about taking it.”
++

++

Tasha’s being kinda unfair, this is the part of the argument where the attackee realizes that telling the truth will encourage a snarky, disgusted response and chooses, instead, to lie.

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On the Night I Die I Swear I’ll Sleep Outside Your Chainlocked Door

Jenny still won’t let Shane in! You must, says Shane, or you’ll wake up the gayborhood — you know, the neighbors who slept through Phyllis’s Naked Pool Party as well as many furniture/bag-of-life’s-possessions throwings and etc. w/requisite yelling & screamin’. Shane wants to “explain,” Jenny calls her a “sad pathetic piece of shit.” Ani DiFranco wrote a song about this.

Oz: “Couldn’t Shane just slide through that chainlock?”
Carly: “She could definitely pull a Crispin Glover.”

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Back at Casa Bettina … the star couple is in a panic! Baby Angie is CONGESETED! When my gay Mom is congested, she just honks her shnoz right there in public, they should teach Angie to do that, give her some soup, and call it a night. Or not.

Um, I’m Gonna Have to Consult Kristy’s Rules of the Baby-sitter’s Club for that one … “Advil Four Hours ago!”

The babysitter gave Angelica some Advil, the babysitter takes her final bow, the babysitter exits. Tina’s just so fucking furious about the film! Tina thinks it’s too late to call William and share her feelings, but Bette argues that William’s often called her at 3 A.M.. Tina says he pays her paycheck, Bette says that doesn’t give him more rights than her, which’s actually not true. For example, I believe J-Beals did not pick her own glittery bird of the wild for this scene, ’cause she’s the payee. Or I hope not.

++
Bette: “From everything you’ve told me, William responds to strength of conviction.
I think that you need to tell him how deeply you feel about this without Adele standing there batting her eyelashes at him.”
Tina (in Bette-induced power trance): “He’ll respect it …”
++

So What I Lie, I Lie to Me Too

The benevolent old couple, one of them still disturbingly adorned in aforementioned gigantic sparkly butterfly shirt, spot the young tender Shane outside pounding on Jenny’s window. These children and their drama! Tina wouldn’t blame Jenny if she never talked to Shane again, Bette thinks Tina’s being too hard on Shane, and just before this squab becomes a squabble, they maturely decide not to discuss the topic any further. I bet they learned that in therapy. Jenny, Shane, Potato, Potahto, Worst Thing Ever, Best Thing Ever, let’s call the whole thing off. TOMATO! I’M A BANANA!

Carly: “I’m not into Tina but I gotta say Tina looks good –”
Riese: “Yeah she does with that JAW surgery. But you don’t need a girl to talk, just look pretty and shut up —”
Carly: “She always talks like that … “(goes on)
Robin: “You know what’s weird? I’ve totally never been into Bette even though everyone is — “
Riese: “You know personally me neither, like I get why people do and she’s hot but personally — ”
A;ex: “OH MY GOD JENNIFER BEALS I have ALWAYS loved Bette –”
Carly (hasn’t stopped talking yet) … Oh I LOVE Bette although that shirt —
Cait: “Do you have any more feelings you’d like to share, Carly?”
Carly: “I have a LOT, actually, I have a lot of feelings and my number one feeling is sparkly butterfly.”

++

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I’m forever under lock and key as you pass through me

Nikki’s got keys! This just became a three way squabble, much to Nikki’s delight and Shenny’s collective dismay. Shane & Jenny’s overall dismissal of Nikki in this scene is amazing, and it’s the first time I think we see how totally stupid she is. Though when exactly did everyone decide to stop taking her seriously? This show never makes sense to me.

So I feel like Jenny was in a strange power trance through Season Five. When she got her comeuppance and was booted off set she decided to let herself have real feelings again, which is frightening to her, which’s why she only gets involved with people it could never last with. She decides to have real feelings and was rejected immediately, and the blow to her megalomaniac ego was so strong she’s gearing up now for another manic high of destruction.

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Lesbian Squabble #3: I Know These Habits Hurt Important parts of You
In the Ring: Nikki wants Jenny to listen to what ‘we’ have to say, Shane objects strongly to the royal we — “It’s just me, there is no we” — particularly when Nikki’s emotional urgency is interrupted by a text message. “Oh no, poor Tiffy!” she exclaims. Basically still Shane vs. Jenny.
Who won the last one? It was a tie, so they’re still going.

Jenny’s reaction to Nikki’s Nikkiness: PRICELESS.

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Nikki, stop it with the talking.
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Shane: “I realize I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my life, but this is, by far, the most fucked up thing I have ever done. But you cannot forget that ten days ago you told me that she was dead to you.”
Jenny: (poltergeisty) “I did say that.”
++
QUOTE OF THE WEEK GOES TO SHANE:
“Look, I realize I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my life, I realize that, but this is by far the most fucked up thing I have ever done.”
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Shane: “And for some reason in my fucked up brain (points at head, location of said brain) that gave me permission and I know that breakups take time, and that you need that time to heal, and I know that (channels Dr. Phil) I’ve encroached on your time to do that and I am sorry. So you tell me–”
Jenny: (wiping her eyes) “Oh God.”
Shane: “What can I do. I will eat dirt –”
++

This is the last honest love I’ll ever give

This is a fantastic idea! I mean, how many times has this happened to you, and you’ve been like, “OMG! I’ve got all this dirt in my fridge I’ve been meaning to throw out, but it’d be way easier for everyone if you just like ate it.” I’d need a better offer personally. Will you do my dishes? Drive me around while I drink cocktails? Back massage every night for three weeks? Do my L Word Screencaps, be my intern? Hey, Big Spender!

++
Shane: “… I’ll crawl on glass …” (Oh even better! Someone’s gotta do it!)
Nikki: “I mean me too Jenny I will even drink that Spirulina disgusting stuff for an entire week — I promise you –” (Wow.)
++

Oh, Nikki. Nikki Nikki Nikki. Obvs crawling on glass is much more useful. I’d love to see that offer turn this argument right around. This isn’t Road Rules Gauntlet Super-Challenge Hoo-Ha Whatevs, this is a conversation, Nikki, get with the picture. No, not that kind of picture, put your clothes on.

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I’ll tell you now, I guess like I should have told you then
Shane: “I’ll be your assistant, I’ll be your servant, I’ll be your slave, whatever it takes — but I want you to forgive me!”
++

NOW WE’RE TALKING. Firstly – Adele is a crap assistant. Sure she got a few coffees but in the long run not such a good choice. Secondly, Shane continues that Jenny knows her better than anyone else, and she’s the best friend Shane’s ever had and — and! — Shane is now officially “profoundly ashamed.”

Jenny’s eyes are all sadness ’cause Shane’s not gonna say what she wants to hear — that improbable burning possibility that Shane loves her back like how Jenny loves Shane. I think Shane might be evolving? Emotionally? Like, as a human. As a communicator, a friend, as a person.

++
Shane: “My only explanation … not an excuse … is that I’ve been upset about Molly …”
Jenny: “MOLLY? Why?”
Shane: “She gave me hope — she — she — she inspired me –”
Jenny: “What?!! She inspired you to fuck my girlfriend on the balustrade of Yamashiro? ”
Shane: “I didn’t fuck your girlfriend.”
Nikki: “Yeah Jenny, she only ate me out.”
Jenny [amazing facial expressions]: Oh — right — okay — of course — I’m so stupid!

It’s time to throw shit.

Encircle Me
++

Oz: “Run Shane Run!”
Riese: “Shane’s not afraid of death! This is pussy shit!”

I Need to Be
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Carly: “How much shit has been thrown in this house?”
Riese: “I’m surprised they still have light and glasses to drink out of.”

Taken Down
++

Looks like the moment to walk on broken glass may come sooner than we’d anticipated. Also, when Jenny finishes throwing the lamp, she says “hold on a sec” and goes to find something else to throw at Nikki, which is one of the many reasons why Jenny is brilliant and therefore immortal and cannot die, because in the middle of heartbreak, she is ridiculous and perfect.

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Back to Lesbian Squabble #2, Still Raving Madly On!

I Go Home Early and You Party All Night

Back at the Palice, Tasha & Alice continue to have a conversation that brings up a lot of memories for me. Alice closes her laptop when it makes a chat noise, that’s serious growth! Go team! I think everyone read a lot of Self-Help books over summer vacation.

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Our Friends Are Sayin’ We Ain’t Gonna Last
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Tasha: “It was exciting and hot to you when I was a soldier, but we have nothing in common.”
++

Do they have anything in common? Well. Not really, they don’t, but. Tasha never lets her guard down like she does when Alice makes her laugh. Alice can’t take it serious ’til Tasha shoots that steel-gaze and then Alice knows it’s time to man up. That’s something? Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Tasha argues that sex can’t be the only thing they have in common, which’s a good point, also not our problem, get naked!

Or you know. Just kiss?

cuz you move slowly, and baby we’re fast!

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Not today! Not on Rex Manning Day!

Nikki’s over it. “Fuck it, we tried,” she barely laments. Her brain can only fit one idea at a time and her new idea is playing Eloise with Shane at the Chateau. Shane ixnays that idea at which point Jenny thrusts open the door, throws Shane’s “skanky shit” at her, and tells her not to come back while she’s there. SHE’S TAKING THE GOLDFISH! (She’s hurt.)

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Angelica Has Two Sexy Mommies

Shane eschews chateau sexy-time and heads over to Bettina’s, where the Moms are worried Angelica’s got a fever. I’m still hung up on Tina reporting Angie’s age as 4.5? Shouldn’t she be in kindergarten? She knows like three words. That’s how much time has passed since the Season Two finale? It’s Cocoon time for me, basically at this point.

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Now There’s Just No Point in Reaching Out To Me

Bette & Shane have a heart-to-heart. Shane loves Molly, it’s the only girl she’s never cheated on. I believe their relationship lasted three weeks and took place mainly within a pup tent, but okay. It’s the teevee, good job Shane, you’re a big winner and should get married. Hope you mean it this time! No really I do think she’s being silly. I la-la-la-loved Sholly obvs and they had great potential but the three-month mark is an especially important one to cross cleanly when there’s a great disparity of education and lifestyle, etc. You know, like Tasha & Alice in some ways. Or … Nikki & Jenny. Dana & Tanya. Etc. Etc. Wow, they’ve put some really random couples together on this show.

Bette reminds us that Shane hasn’t talked about being in love with someone since Carmen and we all take a timeout to remember Carmen DeLaPicaMorales, goddess of television and the chief officer of the Universe of hotness.

True Love!
++

Er, I Just Called to Say I Love You?

Tina whips out her balls, picks up the phone and calls William to share her passion about the film. He’s unimpressed, was probs having a wet dream about Adele & Jenny making out. He hangs up on her. Epic Fail for Bette.

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P.S. Where’s Lover Cindy?

Back at the nightclub formerly known as SheBar, Helena & Kit are brainstorming club names. Kit, apparently borrowing a dress from a Liza Minelli Impersonator Drag Queen, is talking crazy, and it’s kinda amazing. How can they combine their names to make a good name? HOW?! HOW CAN THEY DO IT? Let’s dance and find out.

Kit: “Kit Helena … Kit Helena … Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit, the hit club, hit, it’s a hit — it’s a hit, it’s hit me — girl it’s hit club! Girl where you been!?”

Carly: “Um, how about Hel-Kat?”
Riese: “Wow. That is genuinely a really good idea, that’s a hot club name.”
Carly: “HELLO! Untapped resource over here. Fountain of ideas. Just waiting.”

(photo by robin roemer)

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Tina’s lecture to Shane on thinking before she acts isn’t going over so well with Bette. It’s been vergin’ on Lez-Squab territory for a few scenes now, let’s just make it official.

Lesbian Squabble #5: I Can’t Forget What You’ve Forgotten
In the Ring: Tina vs. Bette
Content:
Bette: “We all have to take into account a lot of things before we can judge anyone else’s behavior.”
Tina: “I think that your unwillingness to judge has a lot more to do with your own history than any accommodation that you might make for Shane.”

Shane remembers why she doesn’t do relationships:

Riese: “C’mon Tina Cybersexathon, wtf? Henry, anyone?”
Carly: “That’s the pot calling the kettle slutty. Write that down. Trademark Carly.”

And the Winner Is? ANGIE! ‘Cause she cries, yells Mama, and thus swiftly ends the fight. She should be one of those wranglers on Jerry Springer. Tina backs down like a puppy in a nice farm of soft puppies.

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Alice continues digging her own grave by talking about the super-fun talks she’d have with the cute girl from Heavenly Creatures and how they had super neat-o things to talk about.

(Where Does the Good Go?)

Alice needs Tasha to know that nothing happened — “in fact,” Alice continues, “You know I think I deserve a little credit” for not playing hide the hot dog with Fashion Girl, like every other lesbian allegedly would’ve done. Like everyone on this show. Tasha’s right when she says that’s a given — “You don’t get medals for that.” That’s right. You get medals for fighting in WARS, Alice, WARS in IRAQ. Wars with guns! Purple hearts, Alice, not your little heart.

I like living quiet, but you’ve gotta shout

“I know that you think thinking is cheating. I know that’s the person that I’m dealing with,” Alice continues, and she then maturely suggests honesty. Then she keeps back-stepping about the almost-cheating with cute girl, now we’re down to a minor moment of consideration, barely even that, let alone endless flighty lovey convos about topics. Tasha’s still not having it. They should probably break up, but something about their relationship is endearing to me, maybe for all the wrong reasons. I guess it would be nice to see a little more from Tasha about what attracts her to Alice. We sort of fill in the blanks for her since we’re all so madly attracted to Alice ourselves, it’s just a given. You know, no one gets medals for it or anything.

The door buzzes … it’s SHANE with her Whole Foods bag containing her pleather pants, a few wifebeaters, contact solution and a sandwich for later. Alice is like listen up, it’s been a rough night for me and Ta-Ta, I gots to right some wrongs, you can’t stay here. And then Tasha “Flash” bolts out the door faster than that blonde chick on Heroes. But still no one can fly, foods are not always whole, and Shane must go on. One day Shane will reach Helen of Troy, and all the land will rejoice. La di-da.

Tasha’s gonna get on her bike and BUST this pop stand. Medals for not kissing, bah!

++

“But I’ve only got one bag … and I’m really skinny … just half the couch is all I need …”

Robin: “I’m gonna be more “butch” somewhere!”
Carly: “I’m gonna go earn some medals somewhere!”

Alice (TO SHANE): “I love you so much but it’s really bad and you’re not helping my case –”
++

Alice has to go catch Robocop!
++

But when we get together it ocassionaly works out

Alice is HOT ON HER TRAIL! It’s the BIG CAR CHASE EPISODE! WHO WILL WIN THE GOLDEN GAUNTLET OF GIRLS GIRLS LOMG! I’m inventing a word. It’s LOMG. It’s when you are LOLing about how many OMG moments there are in The L WTF’in Word.

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Soooo back at Jenny’s castle, Good Molly has crossed the moat and stands on the doorstep of the highest tower in the land.

Jenny descends. Molly is wearing a $165 t-shirt, Jenny is wearing a bra and, I believe, a small skirt. This is definitely not going to go well for either of our brave knights a’courting Shane of the Green Lantern. Molly says she has come for Shane because she loves her. She then continues that her name is Hiro Nakamura and she is here to save the world. Jenny doesn’t believe her, so they return to speaking about Molly’s feelings for Shane.

Maybe She Would’ve Been Something I’d Be Good At
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Jenny: “You know that it’s Shane’s MO to make girls fall in love with her.”
Molly: “Yes I know that but I also know that what we have is different.”
Jenny: “And you also know that when girls do that they want Shane to be constrained into like a happy family and like a marriage type of relationship and that’s not gonna happen–”
Molly: “Yeah I don’t wanna constrain her, I love her for who she is so if you could just tell me when she’s gonna be back.”
++

Hug it Out.

Then Jenny proceeds to extract Molly’s heartstrings right out of her rib cage by telling her Shane’s with Nikki and they probs hooked up on the Pink Ride too. She says when Nikki came back from the shower she was “still dirty” and “not wet.” Maybe Nikki just doesn’t have very good Loofah skills. She’s so judgey!

Molly gives Jenny Shane’s jacket and a letter to give to Shane. Huh.

You Should’ve Called. Call! Called. Call it Off!

Probs Jenny’ll call Shane right now and be like, hey I got your jacket and Molly wrote you a letter if you wanna come read it. Yeah whenevs. I’ll be here, sitting on my little mushroom of evil love for you, waiting. WTF?!!! LOMG! No one ever does that. I need it on lockdown: email w/return receipt, delivery confirmation of package, voice mail too risky — clearly Molly’s not suffering from anxiety like that.

Obvs as soon as Molly’s out the door Jenny is ready to unwrap that sucker and read the hell out of it. She begins smiling, an expression which I think means either: 1. I’m evil and psychotic, 2. Oh, Poor Molly, 3. Oh. It looks like I am suffering from a serious mental illness, perhaps due to all the trauma I’ve endured in my life or perhaps it’s something I was born with but at some point I was in the hospital for SIX MONTHS so it’d be neat if this show could address the story of someone who I think is possibly bipolar (the manic highs — the shopping, the destruction and obsessions, the megalomania, the extremes — the lows — the cutting, the falling to pieces over Tim, the sad wallowing writing) or maybe has Borderline, and if so, it’s sort of just unraveling in a logistical sense for the first time, as it’s only ever affected emotional realities until she got professional power. Now that she has it, it’s manifesting differently. Plus often these things manifest later in life than other illnesses do. They’re really mishandling the story of a survivor here. Anyhow probs Jenny should see a psychiatrist. Oh, I know, instead let’s pretend like none of that stuff matters, and just hate Jenny. Booo! Let’s kill her she’s bad!

Molly’s Letter:“In your eyes I see things i know I cannot touch, I know not to reach for them, I let them touch me.
And I cherish these moments that we’re able to share, however fleeting they may be.”
++
Jenny smiles, it’s either totally evil, or totally empathetic. either way, she’s obvs gonna go stick that shit in the attic.

I’m Just Gonna Put this Up Here with the Flowers.

Robin: “They just did this scene for the camera angles.”

Jenny/Ilene we are collectively unimpressed.

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Bette’s shirt looked bad enough in dim lighting, this blue hospital thing isn’t gonna do anyone any favors. I guess she’d be able to light the way were they to go underground into a cave. Bette goes off at the nurse for only letting her put one name in the “mother” slot. Bette. It’s time to face the facts. Tina gave birth to the baby, I’m pretty sure that’s all they’re asking for. Just write down Tina’s name, put yourself as the Dad, and let’s move on. I imagine they just wanna know who’s womb caused the congestion, that’d be Tina. Though personally, I blame Marcus Allenwood, he looked like a Sudafed junkie.

Firstly, she’s very upset ’cause there are same-sex families on EVERY STREETCORNER IN LOS ANGELES. That’s a ton of punk-ass lesbian families. EVERY streetcorner! ALL OF THEM! I knew this would eventually all come back to crack, my favorite drug/street corner purchase, it always does.

“She was born in this fucking hospital and both our names are on the fucking birth certificate so why don’t you give us a g-ddamn break and get our daughter in to see a goddamn doctor,” says Bette. Can we add a drink to the drinking game every time Bette gets self-righteous and outspoken about something that doesn’t make that much sense?

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Anyone up for a Moons Over My Hammy?

Carly: “Shane has everything in this Whole Foods bag?”
Riese: “Well she’s very tiny.”

Nikki & Entourage are pleased as punch to run into Shane at Cafè Whereves They Are. Shane asks Nikki what she’s doing here, clearly she’s never seen this set before either, and Carly adds, speaking for Nikki’s hipster friends: “we’re just out being asymmetrically haired.” Nikki insists that Shane must stay so that she can rub Shane’s hair, promise to take care of her, tousle her hair and say “Isn’t she sexy you guys!” to her hipster buddies but Shane’s not having any of it.

It’s like she’s a girl … but also she looks like a boy! She’s like so cute you guys!

Jenny texts Nikki offering her another chance to come over and grovel, which probs means “come over so I can fuck you ’til I forget my heart exists.” Nikki, possessing the emotional complexity of an acorn squash, is torn on staying or going. Hello Nikki what about the entourage. Don’t leave those whackos with Shane. She’s not feeling very Shane today.

++
Nikki: “I know but Jenny’s been so mean.”
Shane:“I don’t know what to tell you. Just go, okay? Just go.”
Nikki:“Are you gonna be okay?”
++

Of course Shane’s gonna be okay. Does she have her Whole Foods bag? Yes. CHECK. No really, this is what Shane does. She goes into everything expecting to fuck it up, and when she does fuck it up she doesn’t try to fix it, she just throws up her hands. Or pushes. Shane doesn’t get jealous ’cause she doesn’t get attached. She’s got her heart so blocked off to the world, convinced that it’ll kill people, and therefore she’s forgotten what it feels like to have one, that’s why she keeps breaking other hearts but she really doesn’t mean to.

But it’s not because she doesn’t care. She totally cares. She just acts against that, instead of for it. Actually, you know, I really don’t understand why she’d hook up with Nikki, just ’cause she’s got this libido? I don’t buy it, Shane would never do that, but okay, whatever, I realize this is the show I am watching.

Carly: “Who are these people? Her entourage? Is Nikki hanging out with Spencer Pratt?”
Riese: “Speaking of, where’s Max?”
Carly: “Speaking of unfortunate facial hair …”

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Live Your Life As If You’re One

Soooo we can add “reading a thermometer” to the short list of “Things Bette Porter can’t do.” It’s right up there with assembling a home birthing machine and “noticing when your ex is pregnant.” They have cutey time talk about all their hearts and skins and love and feelings and things. For example?

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Tina: “You appear to the rest of the world to be so Alpha and in control and I know how hard it is for you to cover up the panic you feel inside.”
++
See how lovely it is.

We love all things lovely. Bette is very pretty, and I wish she’d change her shirt.

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Really?! Papi! Really!!!!

Papi looks fantastic. She’s got that “I just got out of bed look.” Coincidentally, she did. Alice briefly shouts-out the Vortex — “you disappeared! I thought you left town or got arrested by some cop who was pissed off you slept with his wife.”

I take two steps forward, we take two seasons back

Everyone: “OH MY GOD IT’S PAPI!”
Cait: “I love the Papi music that starts when she comes onscreen, it’s so tasteful!”
A;ex: “Oh that’s the reggatòn. It follows Papi wherever she goes, in a cloud.”

Papi requests they keep it down, ’cause she’s got work to do. She does her best work at 3 A.M. So do I! Oh, JK. She means the other kind of work. Oldest profession.

++

We Come Together, ’cause opposites attract.

Everyone notice that Alice is in an apartment with three women she’s slept with? Lesbians, I tell you, they should have a chart. She’s laying the cute on thick to Tasha, who’s trying to stay serious. Alice asking cutely for the beer makes my heart melt.

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There are a lot of amazing things about this sex scene. Jenny has decided to play tonight, ’cause that’s what Jenny does. When life is not as she wants it, she throws life on the bed when it’s naked & supplicant & then she fucks it.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #1: I Smile When I’m Angry, I Cheat and I Lie
The Players: Nikki and Jenny
The Pick-Up: “Hi. C’mere.”
Hot or Not? Nikki keeps yakking away, all apologies, and Jenny shushes her because this is what one must do when one is having sex with a sexy-bodied pretty girl who’s all apologies but so stupid. Now we see that Jenny’s packing, surprise, and you thought that was just a banana in her pocket. I’m a BANANA.

I am Taken
++

I’m Yours
++

They’ve always had hot sex scenes. ‘Cause when Jenny was in charge of the movie, it was like two extremes meeting up in bed — the physically perfect (to a point of almost being boring) woman matched up against the tangibly powerful woman with perfect power over Nikki ’cause Nikki is playing HER in the film, they’re both vehicles of additional power to each other.

Anyhow Jenny fucks her a lot, there’s yelling, she puts her hand over Nikki’s mouth when Nikki won’t shut up, it’s all distant and dichotomy heavy and aggressive and scary/hot.

These are Nikki’s breasts.
Just throwin’ it out there, so to speak …

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Back at Papi’s … zomg, Alice is so cute! She’s playing with Papi’s little figurines.
++

It Ain’t Fiction, Just a Natural Fact, We Come Together ‘Cause Opposites Attract.
Alice: “You’ve gotta admit it’s a little tacky.”
Tasha: “It’s her culture.”
Alice: “C’mon — look at the hat.”
Tasha: “See, that’s our problem.”
Alice: “I’m not saying YOU would buy this –”
++

We Also Have Hats.
++

Tasha tells Alice she wasn’t such a snob when they first met just as Gabby Devoux waltzes in to announce that —

Who’d a thought we could be Lovers?
++
Alice: “You sure that’s liverwurst I smell?”
[Tasha laughs]
Gaby: “I wonder if your friend knows that her girlfriend used to be nicknamed “crash” ’cause she would always show up to parties she wasn’t invited to.”
[Tasha and Alice exchange a sad, lovely glance]
Alice: “That’s what my life used to be like. Right there.”

Carly: “What happened to Gaby’s hair?”
Riese: “I believe she just got papi’ed.”
Sam: “Her cherry just got papi’ed.”

“You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re strong, you’re honest, you’re beautiful. I’m not ready to lose you.”
(Alice, to Tasha.)
++

That makes sense. Still though I keep thinking of that New York Times article about The L Word which noted that “couples are often so unsuitably paired that the audience can’t help hoping their bodies will follow their wandering eyes in immediate succession.” I should link to it.

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Lesbian Squabble #6: Girl Trash
In the Ring: Two pretty girls with a lot of feelings vs. one pretty girl w/feelings vs. Helena the Regulator
Who Wins? Helena breaks that shit up like amazing. She learned that in jail.They don’t call it the HIT club just ’cause that’s how Kit wants to combine the words ‘kit’ and ‘helena,’ y’all.
++

Yay for fighting and breaking up drama!
++

They Know That It’s Me They’ve Been Coming to See, to Forget About Life for a While

But y’know. The real damage control needs to be done elsewhere … Shane’s magical mystery tour has ended at HIT CLUB: WHERE THE GIRLS ARE. Time for Tequila!  Let’s GET LOUD! LET’S GET LOUD! WHEEEEE! I LOVE THE L WORD!

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I Won’t Mistake You For Problems With Me

Tina & Bette have another Dr. Phil moment. I feel like we’re watching a how-to video for couples therapy. See all ye on-again-off-again couples at home, forever love and family is possible. People can change and we can triumph over differences and hurt and betrayal and love each other forever and ever or at least until Jesse Spano comes to town.

Bette: “Given my history, I just, I don’t wanna be casual about the promise that I made to you.”
Tina: “I didn’t know that you made any promises.”
Bette: “Well, I’m making a promise to you right now.”
[Tina laughs, but totally cute and I love you-like]
Bette: “I promise that I share your values* about family and faithfulness and commitment —
[Tina laughs again, cutely again]
— and that I will never ever cheat on you again. I love you.”
Tina: “Wow.”

*Not to be confused with the CORE values represented in the famous work of art “CORE” by Jodi Lerner, the masterful audio-visual art installation that marked the first time in history that something so awful was projected on such a large screen, just narrowly beating Death to Smoochie.

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She Likes it Neat, and She Makes a Mess

Speaking of couples triumphing over adversity, nothing brings you back together like laughing at other people making crazy wild sex noises. I love the way they laugh together. It’d appear Gabby’s getting a little taste of Papi’s famous magic circles and Talice go home with NSA.

++
Tasha: “I’m not even sleeping in your bed, not until we figure some shit out.”
Alice: “Whatever you say, fine.” [cute!]
++
Who Wins? Alice!
++
Oh Alice, you’re such a goofer!

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Hellloooo Nurse!

Shane’s fallen asleep at HIT in one of the magic bubbles. Luckily she only weighs 90 pounds so the girls have no trouble lifting her and she’s gonna go home with Auntie Kit. We got super nervous that she was gonna leave her Whole Foods bag in the magic bubble but Kit’s got that shit on lockdown don’t worry, she won’t have to repeat underwear. If she wears any. Probs just unnecessary at this point.

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Back at Team Alice HQ:

++

+

Feel the Need To Lay Down Beside You and Tell You

Tasha insists that she sleep on the fold-out couch to avoid one’s natural inclination to jump Alice’s adorable little bones. After all, Tasha reminds a protesting Alice, this bed is “100 times more comfortable than half the places I’ve slept” like on the GROUND in the DESERT in IRAQ with the DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE. Basically Tasha has slept on a bloodied battlefield using a severed arm as a pillow with a landmine under her ass in yesterday’s underwear and Alice has always slept on silky silky comfy sheets in cotton panties so that’s that, they have nothing in common. Alice gets all flirty and wants to just test out the bed.

This scene is too cute for words. Really it is. Just watch it.

Alice fails at making her serious face.
++
Tasha: “What’s with the flared nostrils, is that part of your serious look?”
Alice: “Yeah — yeah –”
++

Tasha’s serious they can’t do it ’til they figure out if they’re gonna stay together. Alice asks if Tasha thinks they should go to therapy. Tasha says hell no, therapy is for white people. I mean, therapy is for people with “problems,” and she doesn’t think they have any, but ok, maybe. Ok sleepy sloos time.

++

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This photo is both magical and strange, I have nowhere to put it, but I must put it somewhere.
++

We pay for the stupid things we’ve done where I come from
Shane: “It wasn’t even worth it, that’s the worst part. It was such a waste.”
Kit: “Jenny — she gonna get over it –”
Shane: “No she’s not –”
Kit: “Oh yeah — ”
Shane: “No she’s not. She’s not gonna get over it.
She’s too delicate … she’s way too delicate … and I don’t just mean that whole movie thing with Adele and Nikki, I mean in general … she’s fragile.”

How fragile exactly … so fragile she might fall into the swimming pool and DIE!?! Also coincidence that she’s sleeping underneath a giant CROSS!? Hello, Jenny is Jesus, Shane is Mary Magdalene, proceed.

Shane: “And the worst part, the part that makes me the most sick is that I was probably the last person she would expect to do something like this. And I did it.”
Kit: “Yeah, yeah. You did, you did it. It seems like her life has just been one big ass-whooping, you know?”

When Kit says “yeah, you did it!” she sounds just like my grandma. Then Shane gets suddenly annoyed by the heat, removes her socks, kicks her skinny legs around, and sighs dramatically. Oh Shane Shane. We’ve so been there. Never sleep with your socks on.

Kit: “You kinda just let all your women go. Carmen, Molly …”
Shane: “No no Jenny’s my friend …”
Kit: “That’s why you can do it! Fight for the friendship. Let her know that you’ll fight to the death to let her know you’re not gonna let her go. You’re not gonna lose this friendship.”

the friendship!
++
Damn, Kit is wise today. Why couldn’t she have played this character every year?

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This next scene is pretty fucking awesome. It’s the morning after, and Nikki’s luxuriating in a nice white comfy bed and I think someone mic’ed the sheets. For Chrissake, it sounds like a hurricane every time she moves a limb. Limb from Limb, wasn’t that an episode? They should’ve done “Lambchop” starring Lambchop. For the kids you know.

Well I hope I never figure out who broke your heart…
++
Nikki: “Last night after everything that happend with Shane, it was so romantic when you said that i broke your heart … You broke my heart (totally blown away by Jenny’s poetics) … I love you so much Jenny …”

++

++
JENNY MOMENT: “You didn’t break my heart.
You’re nothing but a self absorbed, self-indulgent little brat.
And our affair on set was nothing but a showmance.
And when I said that you broke my heart, I wasn’t talking about you, darling.
(gets up, puts on her t-shirt, wipes her hands clean of it, tosses Nikki her clothes, and exits with:)
It’s time for you to go.”
++

You Break my Heart Each Time You
++

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It’s the day after at The Planet and Shane has arrived to save the cheerleaderher friendship with Jenny. The key to Shane’s haircut & style is: it works just as well the morning after.Helena sees Shane and invites her to come sit at the counter, far far away from all the people who have complicated feelings about her. But Shane is gonna FIGHT for the friendship. You can’t hold her back, she could’ve been a contender, ADRIANNN!

++

++

Jenny, always looking for a way back into her magical carnival of adolescent behavior,
maturely declares that if Shane sits with them, she’s gonna leave. This was one of my favorite games to play in Junior High.

++

Bette and Tina are scrolling the mental memory bank to remember how they handled this situation in 7th grade, which is the last time that someone responded to “I’d like to talk to you” with “Would anyone like to go have a drink with me?” (substitute ‘Capri Sun’ for “drink”)

Tasha-thinking-is-cheating, improbably dressed in a $150 t-shirt her character wouldn’t buy even if she could afford it, along with Tina-cybersex-isn’t-cheating — a.k.a. Team Monogamy — get up to go sit with Jenny, leaving Shane with The Millamoment Not-Cheater, the Carpenter-Schtupper and eventually they are joined by the Pregnant-Ex-Wife-Snatcher/Former Convict.

I’m putting my money on the martyrs.
++

The couples shoot one another unassuming glances while Jenny and Shane play the stare game, except with intense sideways glances instead of direct stares. It’s all in the eyes people, this is remarkably subtle for a show that generally prefers to pound us senseless with its plot devices. They just need someone from a marginalized group to come in here, say strange alienating things to everyone, therefore re-enforcing stereotypes rather than providing genuine boundary-busting, and eventually leave the same Season One characters to go on being conventionally pretty and dramatic. La la la.

+

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Well, one thing’s for sure:

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+

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++ The Round-Up:

A brief sidenote: Ilene has been quoted as saying “it seems very logical that it be Jenny to die because she was the person most hated.” Really? Really Papi? There are many ways to solve conflicts besides killing people, and many ways to make an unlikeable character likeable besides just cutting them from payroll and pretending henceforth as if they never existed (marcmarcmarc) (obsessed!), and if you want your viewers to have “passionate and outraged responses” it should be towards the actions of the CHARACTERS, not the actions made in the writer’s room (which I imagine for Ilene is a banquet hall with a large throne for one dictator, where she dotes upon the peasantry surrounded by several grape-feeding maidens and basking in the soothing sounds of mating manatees). Well, I’ve talked about this already.
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Anyhow! Thanks for reading! I think it’s gonna be a killer season for real, but I don’t mean that in a punny way. I mean I think exciting things will happen in general, in our shared world, in a way that relates to this show but isn’t because of it. Does that make sense? Yay for recaps! I never make sense. I like chips.

The L Word Episode 601 Recap Twitter FOREPLAY – Long Night’s Journey Into Day

[UPDATE 1.14.09 – watch me & Tink on AfterEllen in the latest episode of “Alexi’s Closet“!] How’s everyone feeling on the edge of their seats? Shane Shane Shane. Jenny Jenny Jenny. Kill kill kill. [Sooo anyhow this summer I was editing this video using a twitter graphic as a time-framing device and thought omg, I’m gonna do L Word Recap Foreplay with fake twitters for Season Six! Then I saw AfterEllen’s new “If The L Word was on Facebook” segment — which’s, p.s. — AMAZING, you must must read it — and thought, waaaa! maybe the twitter idea is too similar to that. But um, I couldn’t think of anything else to do for a pre-cap, and ultimately … I’ve thought it over inside out and concluded that they are totally different ideas and I’m doing it so tell me what you think …]

Welcome! to the First L Word Recap Foreplay Session. Remember also when you’re at the edges of your seat that there’s gonna be like an even more exciting Autostraddle experience coming to you starting next week for reals. So you might just want to sit on the floor. I like sitting on the floor, personally.
(more…)

RECAP of “The Who Killed Jenny Show.”

Until about two hours ago, I thought this was the most ridiculous L Word related item of the day:

Then I saw “Who Killed Jenny?” a hot ten-minute show squeezed onto Showtime’s Thursday night schedule between two shows that, unlike The L Word, actually got nominated for awards this year.

But before I get to WKJ, anyone who can guess what kind of Femblossom Kit’s riding between Alice’s ass and Bette’s lower back wins a gentle nudge up the butt. You know, like the one Helena’s getting in that graphic. That being said, I could stare at Leisha Hailey’s jaw-line alllll day. (more…)