Biebs Could’ve Turned Off Comments: Another Round of Internet Haikus
remember this, friends
know that if you feel alone
we’re all big data
the algorithm
that tracks depression online
has to be busy
i’d like the effort
we give baby announcements
shifted to divorce
…and violets are blue
i want to get in on this
rhymed meme format too
a sobering thought
is where you’d be if the net
never existed
please respect my time
don’t respond with thoughtful words
when a gif will do
debra messing, girl
the #ad in front of your tweets
you were grace adler
the best vids online
are of tiny dogs blinking
while they’re getting groomed
is this still a thing
where people pile up their phones
while they’re out to eat
someone pointed out
biebs could’ve turned off comments
and it’s like, omg lol
although, who hasn’t
done a big digital cleanse
because of an ex
what is more damning
telling someone your password
or refusing to
i like the content
where a news story is like:
Penguin Wears Backpack
has anyone here
had a meme made about them
and can you post it
tl/dr
the most unsavory net slang
imo
important message
don’t call me via facebook
and call me your friend
shout out to al gore
now i know who to avoid
in every city
wise proverb once said
beware the engagement with
manual RTs
comforting to see
your teacher of basic math
can’t act right online
hey denny’s diner
are yall okay over there?
tweets seem a lil’ nuts
Let’s Get Dressed Up For Justin Bieber’s Giant Lesbian Slumber Party
Justin Bieber has finally fulfilled his destiny as the invisible queen of a badass high femme queer girl gang. In the new “dance video” for his single “Sorry,” he lets the gals take over the stage, and the result is a mesmerizing technicolor dance party that made me blush a lot. These girls are having the time of their lives and teaching us how to flirt. Who do I have to be to get into this party? One thing is obvious, they have a very elaborate dress code, and I think it’s that you have to wear an outfit that your mother would hate, your best friend would envy, and that would look completely absurd except that you are a goddess on your way to world domination. The sunglasses! The crop tops! The Timberlands! The neon! It’s what little me thought slumber parties would be like when I grew up, now with 100 percent more femme4femme glory.
“We eat your apologies for breakfast, Bieber.”
Watching these gals pal around has given me a rush of style envy and inspiration, so I decided to figure out how to get fresh and weird enough to join them.
Part one: The perfect top
Whether your style is more mesh crop top or more oversized Chicago Bulls jersey, it seems like pretty much anything goes, as long as it’s bold and makes you feel good. That duck pattern grandpa blazer you found at Goodwill? Perfect. The t-shirt from your high school Guys and Dolls production bedazzled and cropped? You’re all set. Amazing jackets and other weird layering concepts abound, too. It’s 2015, and wearing a sweatshirt around your waist is useful and hip.
Forever 21 This Is a Love Song Crazy Sexy Bra/Beachcoco Women’s Mesh Fishnet Crop Tank Top//Forever 21 Varsity Striped Crop Top//Old Navy French Terry Bomber Jacket
Part 2: Some ridiculous pants that shouldn’t work but THEY DO
I have never seen so many colors and styles of what my mama would call hot pants in my life. Striped, two tone, covered in yin yangs, there are no rules!! But also, mom jeans and shiny leggings! Special shoutout to pigtail green shirt girl whose brief band is hanging out somewhere at her belly button while she expertly shimmies her entire behind. As long as it allows for very elaborate dance moves and makes your butt look great, you can wear it to this slumber party.
Asos Rivington Jeggings//H&M Patterned Shorts//Forever 21 Striped Faux Leather Shorts
Part 3: Kicks
The shoes in this video are basic and kickass. Most of the dancers (I mean, slumber party guests) are wearing classic Timberlands or black and white Nike skate shoes. You could pair them with some CRAZY SOCKS and become truly majestic.
Part 4: Shades, hats and red lipstick
The crew that protects their eyes from the sun’s UV rays together stays together.
To complete your look, you might consider a rad snapback or a gold chain necklace. If you don’t have your perfect red lipstick picked out, you must check out Aja’s awesome mini-series Lick My Chops. But clearly the most important part of this posse’s dress code is their impeccable sunglass game. Whether your style trends toward vintage cat eye, classic wayfarers or something a little campy, a great pair of shades is our ticket to this party of our dreams.
Alright, are you ready? Go forth, look great and love your friends!
Is it still queer baiting if it’s actually just explicitly queer? Thanks for everything JB.
10 Music Videos That Would Be Better as Drag King Performances
There was this one time I was watching Justin Bieber’s Believe (don’t ask) with my live-in BFF Soph and I realized I was getting really into it because I kept whispering “drag king” to myself and squinting so that I could pretend I was in a parallel universe where a lesbian wearing a tight muscle tank could fill arenas and make girls cry with possibility. Once I’d unlocked this reality-shifting mind game, I realized I could apply it to most anything I watched that was absurdly bravado in its machismo or, honestly, would just be really bangin’ if a girl was doing it. After that, we couldn’t stop doing it: we saw dag kings in music videos, drag kings in advertisements, drag kings in concert tour documentaries. And it’s been so amazing, you guys.
When you watch these videos, imagine that they are a subversive act poking fun at masculinity while simultaneously, maybe, being incredibly hot. I promise that it will make the problematic less problematic, the weird a little less weird, and the leather pants as queer as they’re supposed to be.
Bump ‘N Grind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAXxkNaRkp8
Was really disappointed when I looked up this video on YouTube because the moaning intro of sexual frustration isn’t included, and that’s kind of the entire point. Like, if I don’t get that intro, why the fuck am I watching the video? Oh, right, because if this was happening in a lesbian bar I’d be losing my shit.
Rock Your Body
I’m pretty sure this was filmed in a gay club, so like.
Confident
I think I wore all of these outfits this week. I also secretly think that Justin Bieber actually is a drag king who will one day come out with their truths and shock the world. But that’s another story for another day. Also, never follow a girl into a dark convenience store. Pro tip.
Fuckin’ Problems
I’m sorry but like, I’m just imagining four drunk queer women in menswear awkwardly moving their arms and rapping while scantily-clad women around them drop it to the floor and I’m into that, so. Probably this would happen as a high-grade karaoke performance instead of a full-on drag king act, but a girl can dream.
Pony
Why the fuck hasn’t this been done yet. Has it. Send pictures, videos, and plane tickets to the next live performance, please. Also if you’re the human making these dreams come true for me and you need to borrow my fashion tape to make the blazer stay in place while you’re topless, hit me up.
U Don’t Have To Call
Please tell me you’ll perform it in the bathrobe.
Bye Bye Bye
I mean, why the fuck did we even watch “Darren’s Dance Grooves” as kids, anyway? Make it worth it. Make anything worth it.
Everybody
Whatever, you guys are always saying how much you love Halloween and shit anyway. Get dressed up and get to work. I will gladly raise a glass to you from the back of the room while begging to every goddess who has ever existed that you don’t invite everyone at the bar to come on stage and be part of your dance troupe.
Dancing In The Dark
I’m pretty sure a few of us would sleep with you on the spot if you pulled this one off. I won’t name names. SHOW US THAT BOOTY, BOI.
Uptown Funk
Spoiler Alert: A-Camp 6.0 will forever be remembered as proof that this video is a zillion times better when performed by queer women. Also, Stef’s gonna be a killer Mark Ronson. I can feel it in my bones.
Brittani’s Video Party: Wednesday Addams Interpretive Dances with Justin Bieber on SNL
Greetings. This is Brittani’s Video Party, where I bring some of the “best” videos from all over my internet together so we can clap, cry or deconstruct. Have you ever gotten to a video and it already has 33 million views and you wonder where the heck have you been? Well I’m here to help you so that you see it when it only has 32 million views. Aim low, world. Aim low.
Header by Rory Midhani
An Interpretive Dance For My Boss Set To Kanye West’s “Gone” has gone (heh heh) viral. In the video, Marina Shifrin quits her job for, I don’t know, reasons. The real story here is that “Gone” is one of the most underrated Kanye songs and maybe now people will appreciate its greatness.
SNL welcomes six new featured players this season, one of which is a woman. Yayyyy equality. In this Girls parody, Tina Fey plays Hannah’s new Albanian roommate. Everyone is hilarious but said new cast member, Noël Wells, is almost indistinguishable from Lena Dunham.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/539038
Adult Wednesday Addams is exactly what it sounds like. If this premise sounds appealing to you, then do your thing and hit play. This new web series will be premiering new episodes every Wednesday and this one guest stars Erin McGathy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHUajqrhF30
I can’t tell what note Justin Bieber was trying to hit in his Between Two Ferns interview with Zach Galifianakis. It doesn’t matter though because Galifianakis kills it the whole way through. He manages to take the signature Bieber topics we’ve heard/read/seen a thousand times (hair, douchebaggery, general suckiness) and still make them funny.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ca8e174a54/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis-justin-bieber
If you have a video you think everyone should see, tweet it to @bishilarious for consideration. And of course feel free to post your favorite videos from the week below.
Style Thief: New Year’s Eve Edition
Welcome to the fifth installment of Style Thief, where I steal the clothes off queer style icons’ backs. Metaphorically, that is. I’ll try figure out just exactly what makes queer style icons tick by breaking down their look into itty bitty bite size pieces. I get a lot of questions about how to look like different celebrities/characters, so I’m finally tackling the question “How the hell do I dress like that?”
Header by Rory Midhani
In this very special edition of Style Thief I’ll be setting aside my usual One Icon One Article policy to take a look at the Fashion Ghosts of New Year’s Past. I’ll be presenting nine queer style icons in their New Year’s Eve best (or their New Year’s-iest outfit I could find). We’ll figure out exactly how to steal their look for that big bad moment when the clock strikes midnight 2013.
Ellen DeGeneres
ELLEN DEGENERES AT THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2011
To my surprise, Ellen Degeneres’s Teen Choice Awards 2011 outfit was the first thing I thought of as I started to ruminate on iconic New Year’s Eve styles. Despite the large kid’s surfboard, Ellen’s look has that perfect balance between caring and not caring. While almost definitely meticulously planned, Ellen’s look seems to claim that this is the aftermath from a much bigger, much more important party she’s just ditched out of.
Justin Bieber
JUST BIEBER NYE 2011/2012
The Biebster’s New Year’s look is great for anyone daring enough to face the crowded freezing cold at Time Square. The key is to pick a hat and scarf that compliment and complete your look instead of clash or cover it up.
K. Stew
KRISTEN STEWART, NOVEMBER 14, 2012
While K. Stew doesn’t show her face around the celebrity New Year’s Eve circuit much, she’s been turning heads at the Breaking Dawn Part II premieres. New Year’s is the best time to match glitter with lace. While K. Stew is technically wearing a jumpsuit, her outfit is a great example of how sparkly pants can modernize and uplift a sheer lace top.
Leighton Meester
LEIGHTON MEESTER NYE 2009/2010
Leighton Meester is my personal favorite, perfect, amazing style icon. If K. Stew’s glitter-pants are a bit much for you, perhaps try Leighton Meester’s high waisted trousers instead. While hoards of folks will be using this opportunity to double down on All Black All Sequin, you can also draw attention by going against the current and choose softer, dimmer fabrics.
Jenna Lyons
JENNA LYON’S A THE 2012 GLAMOUR WOMEN OF THE YEAR AWARDS
Jenna Lyons can be a savior for those straddling the butch and femme ends of things. Never one to disappoint, Lyon’s outfit at the 2012 Women of the Year Awards is the perfect candidate for a more formal New Year’s Eve.
Lindsay Lohan
LINDSAY LOHAN AT A RUNWAY SHOW MARCH, 2010
If you’re on the femme side of things, nothing is easier for New Year’s Eve than a little black dress. Lilo shows us exactly how to take a somewhat simple dress and play it up with accessories. Who says you can’t wear sunglasses indoors at night in the middle of winter.
Willow Smith
WILLOW SMITH NYE 2011/2012
I can’t exactly explain how a pre-teen girl became a queer style icon, but Willow Smith knows how to rock a vest/blazer, shorts and sneakers like nobody’s business.
Sam Ronson
NYE 2011/2012
Sam Ronson shows us just how you can take your regular everyday look and almost effortlessly transform it to be New Year’s Eve ready. Just swap a tuxedo shirt for your regular button-up and mix in a dapper black hat and you’re good to go.
Lady Gaga
LADY GAGA NYE 2011/2012
Um. I got nothing on this one. But if Lady Gaga teaches us nothing else, it’s that when it doubt, go black and studded. What’s the worst that could happen?
What all these icons have in common is that they take a special occasion as an opportunity to pick a head to toe look and execute it full throttle. New Year’s Eve is the perfect night to be adventurous and wear something you’ve always wanted to or never thought you would. It’s practically risk free since, as you already know, the next day is a whole new year.
If there’s a queer style icon you’d like to see stripped down in Style Thief, send me an ASS message, ask on my formspring, or tweet me @Ohheyitslizz Past. I’ll be presenting nine queer style icons in their New Year’s Eve best (or their New Year’s-iest outfit I could find). We’ll figure out exactly how to steal their look for that big bad moment when the clock strikes midnight 2013.
VIDEO: Glee Project’s Dani Shay Sings “Girl or Boy?” For All Ye Gender Policers Out There
Internet mini-sensation Dani Shay, who is not only often mistaken for a boy but frequently mistaken for a specific boy named Jason Bieber, said her goodbyes to The Glee Project last week but remains a steadfast cast member of Your Heart’s Project. Last week she put out a new track on her YouTube channel called “Girl or Boy?”, inspired by the question she’s been asked by strangers all her life – “are you a girl or a boy?”
dani shay
Shay says she’s noticed fans jumping in to defend her when ignorant Fans-of-the-Binary ask questions or make backhanded comments about her gender, but that it actually doesn’t bother her:
“I want you to know that i welcome those questions and comments because I hope that I am causing people to question what does it mean to be a girl? What does it mean to be a boy, beyond just the biological definitions of female and male, why do we think that girls are supposed to be this way and boys are supposed to be this way?”
Here’s the song!
If The Glee Project wasn’t an insufferable television program responsible for bringing Teen Jesus and Irish Breakfast into our lives, we’d be writing about it this season because in addition to featuring Shay (who also ranked 48th in the 2011 America’s Got Talent competition), the reality show’s second season also features a transgender contestant, Tyler!
Prior to Shay’s tenure on reality television, she got a lot of internet buzz for “What the Hell,” her musical response to being constantly mistaken for Justin Bieber, to the tune of “Baby Baby Baby”:
What are your feelings regarding Dani Shay or any feelings about The Glee Project we’ve not yet provided a space for you to discuss? I found this very interesting.
The Top 5 Best Bangs From Bieber to Beals
Bangs are a funny thing. You know, the little bits of hair that hang forward and opposite the rest of your hair, making you look instantly cuter and/or hipper, depending. Did you know I possess a pair? It’s true!
WEAK EXCUSE FOR A PICTURE OF ME AND A PUPPY
Someone recently had some questions for Laneia’s formspring about their bangs:
Laneia I want to cut my hair so I have bangs but everytime I ask people if I should they tell me not to. I’ve had bangs before and I miss them. Should I cut them and not give a fuck what my friends and sister think?
I went through the same thing; it even caused a me to go through a bang hiatus! That’s the funny thing about bangs, they almost feel like more of a possession than a part of your hair. But, like most things, your feelings about them and general quality of life can be greatly improved by reminding yourself that your choices are awesome and you look hot. Just in general. I don’t want any of you to go through the trauma of self-bang-hatred, and thus I present to you my top five lists of the best goddamn bangs around — although I bet yours look even better. If bangs aren’t a thing you’re currently rocking, feel free to take on one of these as your celebrity bangs doppelganger the next time you get your hair cut.
5. Jennifer Beals
Before she was the smokin’ hot art curator Mama B, Jennifer Beals was in a little movie you might have heard of called Flashdance where she sported the best pair of curly bangs on this side of 1980. For all those folks who think they can’t have bangs because they have curly hair, stand corrected in the face of Alex Owens.
4. Ellen Page
You might know Ellen Page as the girl from your dreams, but have any of us ever really taken the time to specifically analyze those adorable little wisps at the front of her face? Not everybody gets to have bangs like those. You have to have thing like straight hair and a real big forehead. I have neither of these things so I can only stare in silent admiration.
3. Janelle Monae
I’m not sure when the first time I noticed Janelle Monae’s awesome bangs was. For a while I was distracted by her chic tuxedo style. But I can tell you one thing for sure: Janelle Monae’s hair does not fuck around.
2. Justin Bieber
Perhaps the Biebster wouldn’t make just any website’s best bangs list but he certainly makes mine. Bieber pioneered the whole-head-of-bangs look where nearly every hair on the front two thirds of your head is carefully committed to being windswept forward and slightly to the side. Yup, the Bieber bangs. The bangs that launched a thousand boi bangs (pun intended).
1. Zooey Deschanel
Maybe I’m a little bias towards blunt cut bangs, but as far as I’m concerned Zooey Deschanel has the best bangs of all time. Sometimes she wears them smooth and straight, sometimes pretend-effortlessly wavy and swept to the side. Regardless, Zooey put bangs back on the map and remains my personal bangs role model. I could be that she shamelessly allows her bangs equal real estate as the rest of her face. More likely it’s just that she’s basically the real world interpretation of Sailor Mars. Either way, bangs to die for.
2011 Teen Choice Awards Prove Teens Will Sometimes Choose Gays, Often Choose Bieber
Welcome to the Teen Choice Awards! The only awards show where most of the awards are casually mentioned instead of announced formally, will.i.am is the show DJ and the camera exclusively pans to Selena Gomez sitting with Justin Bieber.
THIS IS GOOD PR FOR GAY RIGHTS
I’m here to talk about them because… um… I was watching them anyways. Penny from Big Bang Theory (Kaley Cuoco) hosted, which was awesome for me because I’m a giant nerd and Big Bang Theory is my fourth favorite show.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA PLAY PING PONG ON NETWORK TV FOR NO REASON
The Teen Choice Awards are pretty long, but I’ll do my best to cover the gay/funny/awesome parts. This article is a little random and fragmented, but that’s okay because the Teen Choice Awards are a little random and fragmented. That’s probably because there are like 82 awards and they only announce 10 seemingly random ones.
First up, Ashton Kutcher accepted his award for Actor in a Romantic Comedy for No Strings Attached dressed like Sam Ronson.
Choice Comedian went to Ellen, which is a Big Fucking Deal because as it turns out, some women are really funny. A fact everyone seems to forget. Well, apparently Ellen is funnier than Daniel Tosh. Also, she dressed Exactly Like the Biebster. Twins.
I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP IF I TRIED
At some point you have to start wondering if Bieber is doing this intentionally. Also, his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, performed with her band, “The Scene.” We have a Scene too. I wonder if it’s the same one…
SPIDER-WOMAN
I’m just going to show you the notes I took while her performance was going on:
Yo. I love Selena’s veil. Just like Hanna’s on PLL. I’ve never heard this song before. She has her own latin danc OMG JUSTIN BIEBER DANCES LIKE A LESBIAN.
http://youtu.be/McWe60MoPYo
It could also be that this is just how all Canadians dance.
Moving along, Ed Helms won Choice Hissy Fit in a movie. He thanked all the teens for buying tickets to Kung-Foo Panda and sneaking in to The Hangover Part II. It was pretty much the funniest joke of the night. I feel like he’s dressed in really cute lesbian workwear.
I need to stop saying that. Obviously, I think only people who wear sweaters over button-ups are lesbians. Like this guy from Twilight who won Movie Scene Stealer.
SWEATERS OVER BUTTON UPS ARE A THING
Guess who won for Choice TV Comedy: GLEEEEEE. Rachel wasn’t there, probably because she found out her spin-off shelved and was home crying about it (like me). Also our favorite male identified lesbian won for Choice Actor in a Comedy. Darren Criss also won for breakout star! Gay wins! Darren is shorter than I thought he would be. That’s okay. Everyone needs to look at Artie’s outfit right now.
WHERE IS KURT?! GIVE ME KURT!
Then they showed an ad– I mean a Sneak Peek– of the new Glee 3D movie. Heather Morris says in it that she would shave her head to be a Warbler. Win.
Taylor Swift won the TCA‘s version of a lifetime achievement award– THE ULTIMATE CHOICE AWARD. Emma Stone presented it. Emma Stone is so hot I can’t even handle it. She and Taylor both wore white because white is so hot this season/they wanted to show us what their lesbian wedding would be like. Does Taylor Swift remind anyone else of Jessica from True Blood?
HERE COME THE BRIDES
In other news, Demi Lovato is back on top. Basically she won an award for inspiring young girls by joining the Love is Louder Than the Pressure to Be Perfect Campaign and through her song, “Skyscraper.” The presenters even openly said she sought help for depression and an eating disorder this past year. Usually people use euphemisms like “tough times” and “poor self-image.” I think the Teen Choice Awards decision to be honest and upfront about serious issues that affect tons of women is commendable.
SHE'S HUNCHED OVER BECAUSE THE MIC IS SET FOR SUNNI FROM GLEE
I don’t know if it’s the lighting, but she looks like she’s glowing to me.
To follow, Tyra Banks reminded us that the winner of America’s Next Top Model is Tyra Banks by talking about what a hard year Demi must have had and by repeating her message about loving yourself. Guys, Tyra can see your beauty. Don’t worry, it totally wasn’t a downer though– she completely smized the whole time.
At this point the show was getting a little slow, so obviously it was time for the Biebster to win Choice Male Artist. He was still dressed like Ellen. He and Sean Kingston hugged and it was adorable.
I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE
Okay. You guys aren’t going to believe this, but there is actually an award for Choice Vampire. I’m serious. This is real. But Pam wasn’t even on the list! What gives? R.Pat won, of course, but there was actually a positive message in here somewhere. The award was sponsored by the Cancer Bites Campaign starting this fall. Cancer Bites is a campaign that brings together actors who play vampires to raise money for and bring awareness to blood cancers. Blood cancers are the most common types of cancer in those under 18, so a lot of you should care about this (if you are under 18/have a child/know someone under 18/have a heart).
I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THIS BE KRISTEN STEWART OR KRISTIN BAUER
Speaking of R.Pat, he also won for Choice Actor in a Drama for Water for Elephants over Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network. You might remember Jesse Eisenberg from when he was nominated for an Oscar for that role.
UNFORTUNATELY NOT THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS
For the finale, the TCA ran a goodbye montage for Harry Potter. I cried. The end of Harry Potter brings up a lot of emotions for me and I don’t understand why they needed to sully such a beautiful night with something so sad.
At this point I realized the show was actually over without Pretty Little Liars winning anything. Obviously I was pretty upset. In truth, The Morning After on Hulu summed it up pretty well:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/266285/the-morning-after-teen-choice-awards-speed-cap
In conclusion, light on the homogay content, heavy on the Bieber. Ron rules.
Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual Sings Karaoke to Lesbian Justin Bieber’s “U Smile”
Riese’s Team Pick:
[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M-uiUj-VfA’]
Jess’s Team Pick: Lesbians Form Justin ‘Biebershop Quartet’
Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber is obviously old news by now, so a British comedy troupe has taken it to the next level in the form of a Biebershop Quartet. According to the official credits, these lovely ladies include Camille Uca, Beattie Edmonson, Hayley Stockwell and Charlotte Boundy.
Behold:
Clarification Regarding ‘The Rise of the Biebians’ as a Sign of the Apocalypse
Hello this is Tinkerbell. This weekend I posted an article on Autostraddle.com regarding the impending apocalypse, as foretold by a newspaper article entitled “The Rise of the Biebians.”
For the beginning I would say that “the apocalypse” is hyperbole, just like the title “The Rise of the Biebians,” which gave me flashbacks to a) the bible, 2) With God on Our Side: George W. Bush and the Rise of the Religious Right in America, Rise of the Gargoyles, Hitler: The Rise of Evil, Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.
Because I am a dog with limited wordspan and also because Strunk & White says “eliminate needless words,” my post was short. It was a direct response to the way an article had characterized a generation of teenaged lesbians. But I forgot that this is the internet, where people read headlines and then angrytypetype at their computers before considering that maybe I love you.
Hello teenaged lesbians of the world. If you are here, I already love you and believe in you. As just a stuffed dog I find myself in awe of your style and movement, as well as your words and tumblrs.
That is why I am sad to read statements published in mainstream media which reflect apathy at the exclusion of all other feelings, such as:
“…maybe this phenomenon could be indicative of a more apoliticized generation of lesbians who aren’t looking for a dose of politics with their music. ‘After being so hyper-obsessed with political figures like Ani Difranco, maybe the queer community just wants to enjoy themselves with someone like Justin Bieber who doesn’t stand for anything,’ Lichtman says.”
I do not think that is how you think, lesbians of the world. I think you have nice hair AND care about things. It is our duty as human beings and stuffed animals in the media to challenge apathy, even if we ourselves are not always Ani DiFranco. For many eons people have taken gay words out of context and made them into sensational trend pieces!
Furthermore, lesbians who did not like my stance against apathy, do know that Autostraddle has a significant history of ‘lighthearted’ Justin Bieber support. Intern Hot Laura, the best-looking member of the Autostraddle family, team picked “Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber” on March 5th, 2010, four days post-launch, which makes her the first human on the internet to spot Justin Bieber [that I know of]. Intern Hot Laura said:
I spent a long time trying to figure out why it’s taken me so long to find this tumblr, but then I looked through the archives and realized that it’s only existed for 4 days. Help them out guys, submit pictures so I have cute things to look at!
In Autostraddle’s 2009 Music Year in Review, we gave Justin Bieber the “Little Boy You Wouldn’t Mind Having as Your Girlfriend” award:
JBiebs, could you get any dreamier if you tried? You’ve got shinny shiny hair, you can sing, you’re young enough to have that whole androgyny thing working for you, you dress nicely, you dance, and Ellen loves you. So maybe you secretly sing along to his songs in your car. Maybe you shamelessly make all your friends dance to him before you go out. Or maybe you’ve heard his name and cringed at the thought of a 15-year-old singing about love. But really, give him 5 minutes; I dare you not to like him. Boy’s got pipes! (And please note how gigantically cute the guitar looks on him.)
Autostraddle has encouraged you to watch Bieber’s Rolling Stone behind-the-scenes video and his video with Sean Kingston and to watch him on QVC and watch a video of him flirting with Chelsea Handler (“which I’ve watched on repeat this morning because they’re shining, adorable beacons of light.”). We did an “I’ll have what she’s wearing” about Leah, a magazine journalism student who “just wants to get her Justin [Bieber] on” and says, “I wouldn’t say I aspire to look like him, but I’d say that Justin Bieber aspires to look like me. ‘Cause I was born first.”
I have looked at our team page and counted 15 team members with Justin Bieber haircuts.
Lesbians of the world I would like to look you in the eye and punch you in the mouth. What is so confusing. We can be critical of the way we are represented in the media or how a fun trend and cool website is parlayed to the mainstream as an apolitical movement, especially when it is linked to an apolitical pop star. I will change my tune 800% when Justin Bieber stands up for the equal rights of the lesbian fans who support him, just as the ladies iconicized by gay men participate in political and social actions to further the equal rights of their fans. (For example: Kathy Griffin, Bette Midler, Cher, Madonna, Bea Arthur, Liza Minelli, Janet Jackson, Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper.)
Autostraddle’s Intern Hot Laura loves Justin Bieber, and also hates DADT. I assume you are the same. (If you are not, please do not tell me because ignorance is bliss). Life requires french fries but also apples. That is how life is for people with teeth.
Today Riese read out loud to me an article from bitch! magazine, which is a magazine by angry radical lesbizi commies (like Riese) about how pop culture is good/bad for feminists. The article explains the Bieber phenomenon in words we both like and ideas we agree with. “This is good,” said Riese, “It is not on the heteros to accept us like in the other article where we made them our idols. It is on us to accept the hets and recontextualize their idols for our own purposes and that is what’s really happening with Justin Bieber. Also, you should subscribe to bitch magazine.”
So please read Top of the Pops: Justin Bieber’s a lesbian hair icon–or is it the other way around?
For many lesbians these days, that binary is as outdated and useless as a pair of TV antennae, comfortable as so many of us are with the protean mature of sexuality and gender… those spaces between girl/not girl, boy/not boy, growing up/not growing up are where we queers belong, and here’s why: they’re not cramped crevices into which we are shoved, but rather spaces we have carved out for ourselves. Justin Bieber is just the normalized version of that existence. And, like Bieber’s now-famous hair, this generation’s crop of queers really knows where it wants to go.
As my final point I would like to say that what gave me the saddest feelings about The National Post article was to read that Justin Bieber was noted as a solution to the problem that “there are few young lesbian icons, especially masculine ones, for queer girls to look up to.”
I felt sad-faced and defensive because of all the young masculine lesbians who you could look up to, but cannot, because the media is saturated with images of Miley Cyrus instead. I am not an elitist bastard, although I am a bastard except that I am a girl, and also a dog. You think as a dog I like to read poetry or study books? No I like to watch reality shows about hairdressers and read large-type versions of The It Girls. I am not here to judge you. I am here with you. Riese had a Leonardo DiCaprio shrine in her teenaged bedroom.
Justin Bieber does not solve the problem of not having a young masculine lesbian to look up to. He is a good guy I am sure, but he’s not a lesbian. I want to rally behind the icons we do have, instead of claiming there are none. Here’s a starter list: Tegan & Sara, Hunter Valentine, Jess & Mary B, Deak Evgenikos, Dani Campbell, Daniela Sea, Samantha Ronson, Sarah Croce/Miss April, Hannah Blilie, Michele Cluney, Jiz Lee, Chris Pureka, Michele Fleury, Kim Stolz, Nicole Pina, Mélange Lavonne, Angie Evans, DJ Saratonin, Kate Moennig, that cute girl Amy from Anyone But Me, DJ Carlytron, Misty Odell, Ellis, Ty Greenstein, Blair Hansen, Heather Cassils, Stef Mitchell or Laura/Miss August.
Good Icons
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Lesbians are invisible in mainstream pop culture which is hard when you are a teenager who wants to fit in and read the articles in Tiger Beat. I am not confused about that. But I do think you all should rise against the machine, love Justin Bieber if that’s what you want to do, but know that it’s not getting us any closer (or any farther away, really) from having actual lesbian icons out there to look up to.
I have an idea/solution: In addition to Justin Bieber (if you so desire), you should look up to actual lesbians doing actual things. Like Dannielle Owens-Reid, the 24-year-old girl who spotted the trend and leaped on it, and then parlayed that tumblr’s success into a site of her own, everyoneisgay.com, where she and her friend Kristin give advice to young lesbians in need of advice which let’s be honest, is maybe all young lesbians (you are all crazy!):
In conclusion: it’s the lesbians who look like Justin Bieber and aren’t afraid to have their pictures online and say so that are the real queer heroes here. It’s the 14-year-old girl who was willing to be quoted in a national newspaper, even though I think she should give Ani DiFranco a chance because of her perfect “fuck you/breakup” lyrics.
And if you disagree with me about that, well then just shoot me in the face.
Sarah’s Team Pick: Better Justin Bieber
Do you know how to make Justin Bieber sound good? If you answered “turn up the volume,” that is incorrect. The right answer is: slow down his songs 800%. Then he sounds like Sigur Ros, and your hipster heart can be happy.
Here’s Nick Pittsinger’s version of “U Smile,” really, really slowly:
As Gawker puts it, it’s “for the next time you’re super stoned and don’t have the Gladiator soundtrack with you.”
Jess’s Team Pick: Lesbians Who Look Nothing Like Justin Bieber
I believe it was our very own Intern Laura who first brought lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com to the masses, so get ready for the next wave of Lesbian Tumblr-ing: Lesbians Who Look Nothing Like Justin Bieber.
As of today there are only a handful of images up so this is a call to action.
The One Where We Talk About Justin Bieber and Lauryn Hill and Kylie Minogue
Hello tigers! I’m babysitting the music column this week while Jess G travels home from the Rodeo Disco, so today we’re going to watch videos of Chelsea Handler and Justin Bieber looking cute. Among other things.
KYLIE MINOGUE
Remember Kylie Minogue’s Billboard-topping 1988 cover of “The Loco-Motion”? I can now tell you that tracks from the Australian pop star’s brand new (and 11th!) studio album, Aphrodite, don’t sound anything like that song. You can listen for yourself because the good news is that the album is streaming on NPR in its entirety. Is anyone feeling it? NPR quite accurately uses a World Cup analogy to describe the way the United States hasn’t warmed up to Kylie in the same super obsessive way that certain other western nations do, such as my homeland Australia where Kylie-hating is punishable by deportation.
LAURYN HILL
After a decade of radio silence, hip hop artist Lauryn Hill finally opened up about her sudden disappearance from the music scene in the late-90s following her success with The Fugees and The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Lauryn also speaks about a possible return to studio and stage in the near future, which anyone who was musically aware in the 90s or who ever saw Sister Act 2 might agree is an incredibly exciting prospect. Read or listen to the interview, created by NPR as part of their 50 Great Voices series.
HOLLY MIRANDA
When Holly Miranda performed in Sydney earlier this month as part of the Laurie Anderson & Lou Reed curated Vivid Live Festival, I was blown away. She performed an intimate show at the Sydney Opera House, commanding the small room with just a keyboard and a guitar and serving up one of the best performance I’ve seen all year. What I didn’t realise is that she also played a sneaky 3-song set on the Sydney Opera House forecourt for Shoot The Player. Check out Holly’s cover of Tool’s “Ænima” –
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Audiostraddle Weekly: Kate Nash, Sia, Justin Bieber on QVC, and More!
KATE NASH TOUR:
If you loved Kate Nash‘s 2007 debut album, Made of Bricks, you’re probably anxiously awaiting her second album, My Best Friend Is You, coming out April 20th. In addition to her Lilith Fair dates, she has announced a short tour of North America. She’ll play 9 shows at small club venues, so better nab those tickets early. Check out the dates at her website and listen to the first single “Do Wah Doo” below.
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JUSTIN BIEBER ON QVC
Let me be clear — I don’t care about Justin Bieber. But when I heard he performed on QVC (aka the home shopping network), I had to include it in the Fix as to publicize his lameness. Am I a hater? If we’re talking Justin Bieber, yes I am. I admit, Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber is the silver lining of this mysterious international obsession.
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NEW MGMT
This past week, MGMT released a song from their upcoming album Congratulations. It’s called “Flash Delirium.” In an interview with Rolling Stone, Andrew VanWyngarden said, “Some will love it, some will hate it. We want to freak people out.” You can download a free mp3 of the song at Who Is MGMT?
TEGAN & SARA WITH PARAMORE
Pop-punk band Paramore will be joining Tegan & Sara on the 2010 Honda Civic Tour. Specific dates are not yet available, though Paramore announced the tour kicks off on July 23rd. Keep your eye out for tickets!
ALSO FIRST DATES/LOCATIONS FOR LILITH FAIR HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED!
TELEPHONE
If you haven’t seen it, you need to. Read Autostraddle’s thoughts on it here. (more…)
Laura’s Team Pick: Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber
I spent a long time trying to figure out why it’s taken me so long to find this tumblr, but then I looked through the archives and realized that it’s only existed for 4 days. Help them out guys, submit pictures so I have cute things to look at!