The Real L Word’s Nikki & Jill Are Having a Baby: The Autostraddle Interview

I remember first meeting Nikki Weiss and Jill Goldstein via my television set back in the summer of 2010. They were the perfectly glam engaged couple seen planning their Malibu wedding… and not much else. Well, boy has a lot transpired since Season One of The Real L Word! Over the last two years, they have filmed and edited their own mini-episodes (known as Flip Friday) for fans who wished to see their favorite RLW couple continue their regular lives, post-Showtime. As documented in the nearly 80 episodes of Flip Friday, Nikki and Jill have since married, become close friends with Cori & Kaci (of Season Two) and are now expecting their first child together, due on their second wedding anniversary, October 9, 2012. They’ve also remained loyal and steadfast Autostraddle fans, even reading from an Autostraddle Real L Word recap at their wedding and doing a Flip Friday with Riese & Alex.

Nikki & Jill’s love story dates back to 1984, where they met at (where else?) CAMP!, when Nikki was dating Jill’s older brother for a few summers.  Nikki grew up to be the founder of Nikki Weiss & Co, where she represents leading directors in the commercial and feature film world while Jill’s background in marketing and advertising on Madison Avenue helped her transition into a full-time career as a commercial treatment writer. Jill’s writing can also be found in her Curve Magazine fitness column and in scripts for various award shows.

I chatted with the fab couple about camp, their impending major life change, finding an anonymous sperm donor, the upcoming election, their Real L Word comrades, whether they would do Reality TV again and how Nikki would fix the Oprah Winfrey Network and our favorite guilty pleasure, Smash.

Are you prepared for all the life changes that are about to happen?

JILL: It feels as if it comes out of nowhere! We were just discussing that last night funnily enough. . . We’re putting the house on the market, we’re moving and we’re having a baby. There’s so many changes happening concurrently. Nik had a moment in the kitchen last night where she jokingly asked me, “how did I get here?”

NIKKI: What happened to my gorgeous bachlorette house and my convertible car?! My whole life has changed! You just don’t see it coming. But I wouldn’t have it any other way now! We literally put the house on the market yesterday, I’m having heart palpitations but it’s exciting.

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQsNiQBo2jQ’]

Do you plan on finding out the sex of the baby beforehand?

NIKKI: Well, at the time of the Curve article we didn’t know the sex of the baby because it was before the 12th week but we DO know the sex of the baby now! You’re generally not able to find out the sex until the 20th week. Well, fortunately for us our baby is really well endowed so we found out at our 12 week ultrasound!

Oh! Do you want to make it an Autostraddle exclusive?

NIKKI: You can have the exclusive on the baby boy.

That’s so cute!

NIKKI: We’re so excited I can’t even tell you. There is so much “girl” in this house so we are really excited to have a boy. He is gonna understand women so well… we are gonna put a nice gentleman into the world.

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1C5D0Evs04′]

Nikki, did you ever have the desire to be pregnant?

No, I can’t say I ever had the desire to carry but I’ve always had the desire to parent. It really wasn’t until I met Jill that I wanted to parent with someone else.

And Jill did you always want to carry?

JILL: Yes, it wasn’t on constantly on my mind throughout my twenties when I clearly wasn’t ready for it, but it was always something I knew I would do one day, or hoped I would do one day.

NIKKI: You just didn’t know you’d be doing it with another lady! [laughing]

JILL: True! Nikki was perfectly fine with me carrying, so it was kind of a no-brainer decision.

NIKKI: But I thank her every day, Jess. I’m like, “thank you for doing this for us” because I can’t imagine what it must feel like to lose control of your body, really. Especially for somebody like Jill who is so athletic and so in control of that. It’s so important to her. I just thank her every day.

Were you very strict with your diet pre-pregnancy?

JILL: Not strict per se, but I have very healthy eating habits in general… And nothing really changed too much, I just consume a little bit more now.

NIKKI: During the first trimester this child was eating bagels like it was going out of style.

JILL: Well, I was so nauseous! But I didn’t have to change many eating habits. I think I was in pretty good shape going into the pregnancy because I was healthy beforehand, it’s just a matter of thinking bit more carefully about what you’re eating because you are eating for someone else now and need to have x, y, z in your diet everyday… this amount of calcium and this amount of protein… so you do need to  be more responsible about what you’re putting in your body and how often.

Did you have any pre-pregnancy anxiety about how it would effect your body and workout regimen?

JILL: The honest answer is yes. Obviously, fitness is very important to me and I enjoy it so much, so it was a big proposition to decide that for the next 9 months  my workout regimen  is going to take a bit of a backseat while I give up control of my body. I basically had a conversation with myself where I decided that I’m taking  the next year of my life and becoming totally and utterly selfless, making it about something and someone else. It’s definitely been a shift  — I’m watching my stomach grow every day and view that as beautiful now versus wanting to get a more defined six pack.  What I consider to be beautiful has changed. But because I enjoy fitness, I spoke to my doctors at length and am working out under their care…  I think pregnancy is a very easy time to just say “eff it” and let it go but I want to be healthy and fit so I still exercise as often as I’m allowed to… it’s just at a different intensity and frequency now.

NIKKI: She’s still got rockin’ arms and sick legs. She looks gorgeous.

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8P8H6NNCv_Y’]

Real L Word Baby Update: Cori & Kacy Are Pregnant, Nikki & Jill Find Sperm

Cori & Kacy:

The Morning After
The other morning Cori and I woke up to our usual routine. We scooped up Jonesy cat, lying on top of us, and gave him some morning love. I fed him breakfast while Cori brushed her teeth. I snuck a peek at her in the shower – because I still get excited when I look at her. She got dressed to my despair, we kissed, held each other, and we drove to work.

The day was very typical – we were waiting for 2 weeks to be up. We were marking time on the walls of our minds, wondering what it would feel like to see that test result, looking longingly upon the faces of other people’s children – yearning to see Cori’s eyes, a gesture, a familiarity. When would it be our turn? What would it feel like?

Cori and I went to sleep that night, like any other night. We kissed, spooned and closed our eyes. What I didn’t know was that that night, that last lingering look upon my world, would be the last night of that life.

“Baby, wake up!” Cori jumped onto the bed, half on top of me, and rolled me over. Her Hazel eyes were shinning, bright and open. “Baby – look.” She handed me a long white stick, and as my tired eyes focused, I saw not one, but two distinct lines forming on the test. Cori turned her head, looking at me half-telling me, half searching for reassurance: “We’re pregnant.”

I have only ever been conscious of my heart beating one other time in my life – it was the first time Cori kissed me. I held that test in my hand, glancing back and forth between that test and my wife’s eyes… and we both began to cry. I took her in my arms and we embraced this new day. “You did it,” I said to her quietly. She pulled back from the hug, held my face in her hands, and touched her forehead to mine. “No baby, we did it”.

One year from today, I will have a 3-month-old baby. Two weeks from today, I will see a heartbeat on a sonogram – I will see my kid’s heart beating. And for the rest of my life, I will feel this immense amount of love for my family: my incredible wife Cori, who I will love until the day my own heart stops beating, and even after that. And my baby, who is already adored, prayed for, loved, loved, loved, as he or she or they grow inside my wife’s womb.

I am so happy to share this moment with you all. I am so happy to confirm that all of our shared wishes, hopes, and dreams have come true. In most films, gays and lesbians meet terrible ends. We die; we are lost, left, or forgotten. Not in this story. We have a happy ending, or rather; we have a happy beginning of a new chapter. Our love is real love – we are stories of our own – and we are all listening.

Thank you for all of your love and support – it has cushioned the fall of our angel from heaven and into our arms.
And keep sharing your stories with us, and we will keep praying and sending love in hopes that it will be the light that guides your angel down to you.

Love always,
Kacy, Cori, Jonesy, and our future Bambino

Nikki & Jill:

Mazel Tov to everyone!

VIDEO – Real L Word Worlds Collide: Nikki & Jill Meet Kacy & Cori

Riese’s Team Pick:

What happens when Jill and Nikki meet Kacy and Cori? Does everyone get married and give birth to ten babies and a chandelier?! The answers lie inside this video (which you can also see on Nikki & Jill’s Facebook page)

[vimeo 26252491]

Are You Sexually Fluid? The Real L Word’s Nikki & Jill Want You.

Despite Showtime’s greatest efforts to portray Nikki & Jill Weiss-Goldstein as money and wedding obsessed barbies on The Real L Word, in reality they are indeed hardworking, productive members of society with real jobs and passions! You might recall their on camera meeting with Lisa Diamond, author of Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, about a television series they were developing featuring women who do not classify themselves as a particular sexuality, but rather in the gray area that lies between. As my friend Shane once said, “whether you’re gay, straight or bisexual, you just go with the flow.”

Well, they are finally looking for interview subjects and this is where you come in! Per the open casting call:

+ Are you someone who doesn’t believe in labeling your own sexuality?
+ Have you been attracted to both men and women at different periods in your life?
+ Have your emotional and sexual attractions ever caused you confusion?
+ Have you been with men most of your life but are now involved with a woman?
+ Do you consider yourself gay but have also found yourself attracted to someone of the opposite gender?

If any of the above describes you and you’re willing to discuss your thoughts on camera, please send your contact information and a brief description of yourself and your relationship history to: sexualfluidity [at] gmail.com

Meanwhile, Jill now has her very own health and fitness column in Curve Magazine! Can we talk about her abs?

And if you haven’t seen it yet, check out Riese & Alex’s cameo on Nikki & Jill’s Flip Friday Video on Facebook!

Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: Real L Word – Watch Them Watching Us Being Them

Hello Autostraddle. This is Tinkerbell. As you may or may not know, everybody at Autostraddle is very complex and multi-dimensional. Some Autostraddlers are capable of often giving the conceptualized product known to television audiences as The Real L Word tough love while also, alone or separately or together, consistently giving the ladies of The Real L Word actual love. Or “hearts” as some say.  I am being serious Autostraddle. I wouldn’t lie to you, I am a dog who can barely speak a word let alone an untrue word.

Today the tweeter machine informed me of this fantastic video in which “Nat” has dark hair and baked goods are exchanged and, starting at about the three-minute mark, The Real L Word Parody Video Part One is watched and commented upon by Jill, Nikki, Rose and Nat. It’s very “meta.”  Also at the end Rose reminds the ladies of Autostraddle that she’s not our biggest fan but however loves Jess. Jess is so nice and loveable. If she was here I would ask her if she thinks it’s weird that one of my eyes is bigger than the other.

Special note from Riese: Many have asked me “when will part two of The Real L Word parody be ready.” Well, what happened was that Final Cut crashed again, henceforth eliminating not only Real L Word Part Two but Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office‘s Season Premiere AND my mind/sanity/will to live/edit videos. So I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN and therefore I feel like you might get it for Valentine’s Day.

Jane Lynch Hosts SNL, Real L Word’s Nikki & Jill Finally Marry

THE LYNCH CAN DO NO WRONG:

Jane Lynch hosted SNL this weekend where she sang a new Glee theme song, seduced Andy Samberg and played Suze Orman’s former “roommate.” The Lynch fit right in with the SNL crew, confident as ever – with her improv skills to fall back on.

The monologue:

As Suze’s former roommate on The Suze Orman Show:

THE REAL L WORD:

Big news!! Nikki & Jill finally GOT MARRIED Saturday night. The wedding happened. Dunzo.

The deets: It was a private Jewish ceremony in Malibu attended by most of the RLW cast minus Mikey. Jill’s mother and father gave her away and Nikki was given away by her mother. The brides wore gowns and dresses by UK designer David Fielden and Winnie Couture, cause they’re fancy like that. Nikki is now a full fledged law firm, taking Jill’s last name: Nikki Weiss-Goldstein. Mazel Tov! (@advocate)

JARED LETO:

A hot girl with amazing make-up skills transforms herself into Jared Leto.

GLEE:

Glee is doing Rocky Horror! The episode airs October 26th for Halloween and Chris Colfer is psyched:

“Riff Raff is the best character, and everyone was amazed at how incredible the makeup was,” says Colfer. “I was mistaken for a blonde woman a couple times. All I kept thinking was, ‘You did this to yourself, Chris.'”

Here’s what we know, casting-wise:

Kurt as Riff Raff
Rachel as Janet Weiss
Finn as Brad Majors
Mercedes as Dr. Frank-N-Furter
Quinn & Santana as Magestic

(@ontd)

MELISSA ETHERIDGE / TAMMY LYNN MICHAELS:

And so it goes. Tammy, Melissa’s former partner and mother of her twins, has blogged again explaining how her financial situation has left her and her children hungry and depressed after the break up earlier this year. Toward the end of the post she comments that chemotherapy changes brain chemistry and people rarely emerge the same after going through it.

“pays all the bills”
not entirely true

“pays all the bills she chooses to pay”
“pays all the bills her people thinks
are important enough to pay”
is more accurate

when i went to get cash
just last week
for the three of us to eat
nothing

today i was shopping for birthday decor
4th next sunday!
little cash for lunch?
nope- not enough funds
no food

someone told me that chemotherapy just messes with a brain chemistry, changes the brain, the person, and makes them just in general different. they might b meaner, or illogical, often imbalanced, or whatever. but they just don’t come out the same. hardly ever, i am told. and they can’t help it. it just is.

and i think about that alot too.

(@hollywoodfarmgirl)

Real L Word Episode 109 Recap: Dinah or Bust Me in the Face Already

At the end of this week’s educational laugh-a-minute heart-pounding action-packed sizzling-smoking-red-hot-naked-sparkly season finale of The Real L Word, Ilene Chaiken attempted to ensure a Season Two by hypnotizing the audience into a starving zombie trance. Poltergeist/EZ-Girl style musical intonations asked our hungry hearts to crave a Season Two Sandwich-Pack: “I just want you to stay,” the music told us. “Don’t say goodbye,” it said ten times. This week, Whitney saved Nikki’s dog from a burning building, Mikey did a Zach Morris time freeze and everyone did a Riverdance, come on don’t you WANT US TO STAYYYYYYY?

Well, unlike EZ Girl’s classic “Shane and Carmen Fucking,” the I JUST WANT YOU TO STAY track laid over the Saved by the Bell Friends Forever Ending Montage of Love/Future/Sunset did not steal our souls. It was a good song, and actually it was a good episode too, but this is not weheartit dot com. LA Fashion Week is OVER BITCHES. This ain’t no disco. This is Dinah Shore Weekend. Welcome to the future.

Mostly, this episode solidified my mind’s 5,000-word thesis on how this show could’ve been so much better than it was (just like The L Word!), which I will be posting on Autostraddle in under 1,500 words at some point in the next 24 hours. If you’re wondering if it’s hard for me to go through life knowing so much more than everyone else, the answer is yes, it is. Very hard. Difficult to make friends, actually.

I suggest you print out this recap, staple it together, and take it with you somewhere to read. Then it will feel like a magazine, which costs money, and then you’ll feel like, “Oh my god, did I accidentally steal a magazine?!!” and then you’ll come back and pay for it.

Oh right, this show, dunzo. Let’s talk about it. Let’s relive it together, as a family, because not all of you were present when Carly, Jess, Laneia and I lived it together as a family LIVE.

BUT FIRST! Something changed for me this week w/r/t how I feel about The L Word. Yup. The Original.

It started when Rose and Nat were throwing around 3-4 standard key phrases always employed in Nat-Rose scuffles: you’re a bitch, don’t be drama, Rose could fuck all these bitches and/or a bag of chips right now if she wanted, ok then go, ok face the fact that you’re not talking right, la la la, and you know who I missed?

I missed Papi and I nearly called her for a churro, ’til I remembered —

Rose, you’ve made me re-think Papi. See, prior to learning that Rose had inspired the character of Papi, I’d assumed Papi to be a conglomerate of cheap Latina stereotypes Ilene had picked up from watching movies about earnest white teachers who inspire inner-city high school English students to believe in themselves. But no, Papi was based on an actual human being!

I’m grateful for Papi’s existence as Autostraddle’s aggressive promotion of “Really Papi Really” into the internet lexicon will probs be our only true legacy. But I failed to make the obvious connection: Papi was a PUNCHLINE. She was a joke, a parody, and she was fucking hilarious. On a show that had never cared about racial diversity, it was totally irresponsible to make Papi the punchline which, unfortunately, made her less funny than she would’ve been as the comic relief in a more responsibly representative show.

Anyhow, I’ve chosen to share some of Papi’s best lines with you during this recap, which is the best I can do short of writing an article called Crystal Loves Papi, making Really Papi Really t-shirts or writing the recap in Papispeak a la FourFour’s Natashaspeak recap.

It’s time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, Stuff White Lesbians Like!

This week, the question is HAVE YOU BEEN TO CLUB SKIRTS THE DINAH?

In case you’re wondering AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE, we have! We were there! You’ll hear more about that, mostly because we find ourselves far more fascinating than anything on the teevee, which is one of 5,000 reasons we’re not on the TV (reason #45 probably relates to me needing teeth whitening/makeup lessons/facelift, reason #1 is that many of us are afraid of cameras). Carly wasn’t at The Dinah this year, but Laneia, Jess and I were.

+

Tracy’s been to Dinah. It’s like lesbian spring break! Tracy has nice teeth!

Rose LOVES THE DINAH, it’s basically a combination of ALL her favorite things about life: talking loud, tits out boobs in the mouth and large hotel rooms.

No really. Mariah Hanson should hire Rose as Club Skirts Dinah Shore’s official spokesperson as Rose loves Dinah Shore Weekend completely sans irony. Rose IS Dinah Shore. Also, next year we want a big suite with beer, Suicide Girls, and Cheddar Bay Biscuits as a finder’s fee.

Rose suggests, “they probably have a bronze statue of me somewhere,” which is either the one of Rose finger-fucking Billie Jean King while getting sandwiched by Melissa and Tammy Lynn with kd Lang’s tits in her face, or it’s this one (doodle by Taylor as per ushe):

Jill’s never been, will never go, and Nikki’s not gonna take her:

Nikki: It has nothing to do with being gay or straight. I would never attend a weekend like that. You just wanna get me in trouble with the gay community, don’t you?

Nikki: WE FEEL YOU. We went anyhow, despite it being the kind of thing we’d never do gay or straight, because that’s what lesbian media outlets do. And we had fun. We had judgey fun!

Jess: I’m so excited, I’m so scared!
Laneia: THE DINAH!
Riese: Why does everyone keep describing this as “Girls Gone Wild for Gay Girls” like “Girls Gone Wild” is happy fun drunksex time and not opportunistic straight men with cameras taking advantage of intoxicated needy women to further their own capitalist patriarchal agenda?

[nobody cares, here’s Mikey:]

OKAY LET’S GET THIS FINALE SHOW ON THE ROAD!

And Sara Makes Three

Sara, Julia and Sara’s cousin have arrived here from San Francisco with their hats on, ready to brave a long winter in West Hollywood!

Beware, Said the Dog. Beware of the Power of the Clam

U-Haul stipulated six name drops and one visual in their product placement contract for TRLW, here is that last one:

“RIESE IS RIGHT WE COULD TOTALLY DONATE”

+

Jill:Where are all the coffee mugs?
Nikki: They’re probably in the back of your car!
Jill: No.

WELL CHRIST. Where are the coffee mugs? It happens here, I suspect the fourth roommate is stockpiling them in the basement to throw at my head. Anyhow, Jill says that Nikki is on edge, and the dog is scared. They’re gonna go to the airport to pick up Nikki’s best friend Kathleen.

Laneia: Is Kathleen her ex? Her crush? Her masturbate fantasy?
Carly: Oh dear
Riese: Her first make-out?

Teal Tank Top Crush

+

It’s Tracy’s roommate, Michele, along with Yin, Yang and the chicklets. You may recognize Michele from Logo’s CURL GIRLS. SHH ILENE DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT CURL GIRLS IT NEVER HAPPENED. This is the first lesbian reality show ever!

If you can’t be the best, just be the first, just ask George Washington. Dude doesn’t even need to make money. GEORGE WASHINGTON IS MONEY.

Tracy & Stamie are gonna have more Rad Mom time with Tracy’s Mom, probably going to Truck Stop or the Dinah.

Stamie: I’ll make a deal with your Mom. She wears flats, and I won’t kiss you in public.

MAKE OUT MAKE OUT

Stamie: Her Mom’s like baby steps, baby steps. I’m like bitch you’re almost 60! How many baby steps you got in you?

Let’s baby-step outside so Michele can wax her board and we can experience a well-done, emotionally resonant scene:

Laneia: MICHELLLLLE!
Riese: These scenes are short.
Carly: HEY MICHELE!
Riese: This is gonna be difficult for recapping.
Carly: HOW’S THAT SURFING GOING?
Riese: I’m already stressed HAY SURFER GIRL!

Michele: I’m amazed that [Tracy’s mom is] out here, visiting and spending time with you because that’s a first.
Stamie: Yeah, that’s nice —
Michele: It’s only taken four or five years!
Stamie: Yeah–
Michele: How are you doing?
Stamie: Oh it’s — I’m glad I met her Mom. It’s a little stressful. Cause you don’t wanna put it in her face, you know —
Michele: Well it’s hard because gay people are so used to sort of aborting their everything and kind of putting it to the side just to make everybody comfortable —
Stamie: Right, maybe that’s it, I haven’t done that in so long —
Michele: That’s the irony of gay people being accused of being “in your face” —
Probably, that’s — that’s the biggest thing — is having to hide it again, you know?

Harriet the Spy: The Case of the Missing Salami

Stamie: Oh Hi!
Tracy: Hide what?
Stamie: Uhhh hide the salami.
Tracy: What are you talking about?
Stamie: We’re hiding the salami.
Tracy: Uh-uh.
Michele: It’s behind the couch.
Tracy: You’re talking about hiding your sexuality!

Jess: I can already tell that Michele is real.
Laneia: My reasoning would be twofold: this is the most valuable convo of the whole season, re: real life.
Riese: I know that was weird. I had to stop drinking for a second.
Laneia: OMG TRACY IS SMELLING THE KIDS FOR POOP DIAPERS I just fell in love with Tracy!

Tracy: I want my Mom to accept me as I am. And accept my life the way that it is.

Just like nature, and the planets, and our bodies, ourselves:

“I Guess The Atmosphere I’ve Tried To Create Here is Bossy Girlfriend First, Actual Boss Second, And Probably an Entertainer Third”

Rose, continually breaking all the rules of ‘having a relationship that works,’ has hired Nat as her assistant, so they can be together all the time except on Bromance night. Rose says Nat did this or that thing wrong and then ROSE STEALS HER PEN!

Carly: Oh this is a terrible idea right here.
Riese: Wait! This is actually like my life, which is overall a terrible idea.
Laneia: It is.
Riese: It is a terrible idea FACT.
Laneia: JUST GIVE HER THE PEN.

I SAID DELTAAAAA!

Normally Nikki’s basically a boxer-brief clad Jimmy-Buffet-listening Party Animal guzzling Piña Coladas, but today she’s a wee bit tense. It’s so weird!

Nikki: Jill, you can’t leave people stranded in an unfamiliar airport.

Laneia: Alex left me stranded at the airport.
Carly: Jill, you can’t leave people stranded in the airport. There are no signs anywhere.

Papi sees right through Nikki’s “tension”:

The happy couple eagerly waits at the baggage claim for the descent of Kathleen. BUT. WAIT. THAT’S NOT KATHLEEN!

Anyhow guess what, it’s not a friend, it’s Jill’s Mom. I know. IT’S FUCKING ADORABLE AND WE ALL ALMOST CRIED.

Riese: Oh! Nikki is a good girlfriend!
Laneia: I almost want to cry? Am I drunk?
Riese: My eyes are slightly teary.
Carly: This is sweet actually. Snark-free zone.
Jess: Can’t make fun.
Laneia: UGH SIGH BUNNIES!

You’re kidding about the bronze statue, right?

+

Rose: Dinah’s definitely a hook-up fest. I mean I go crazy at Dinah. When I’ve been to Dinah in the past, I would’ve been with every girl you could possibly get.

ALL OF THE GIRLS! Nat says it’ll be interesting to go to Dinah “as a couple” though in the back of her mind she’s worried and nervous, because lemme tell you, girls have never looked better than they do trashed and sunburnt at the Dinah! (WHAT?) Before long, the back of Nat’s mind will attack the front of her mind and then explode, like in Paintball and War, and who will be there to clean up the mess? Probs DJ Lezlee.

Rose is taking a different tactic. She learned it from Papi:

Rose: We’re not gonna fight. It’s like lesbian prom.
Nat: No, it’s like Lesbians Gone Wild. You promise not to be bitchy?

Rose’s pants are on fire ’cause she’s a liar liar, it is nothing like lesbian prom. Nice try.

Riese: “Lesbian prom'”? “Lesbians gone wild? Pick a straight trope and stick with it, SHOW!
Laneia: It’s not like lesbian prom, at all. It’s like lesbian spring break gone wild prom without the corsages.

Rose suggests they make rules like not making out with other people. Nat suggests they make rules like not being bitchy and making big deals out of nothing. Rose wants to know if Nat wants to make out with other people. Rose says Nat is confusing her.

Rose: “It’s hard for anybody to have a relationship with like 25,000 lesbians around you. Dinah’s definitely the test for any couple, but definitely for Natalie and I.”

Because Rose is the only woman interested in swapping spit with all 25,000 lesbians, this problem is really serious. Like yeast infection serious.

They probably are anyhow because of homosexuality being an abomination.

Jess: Where is Dinah? I’m ready to see us on the big screen.
Riese: I think we ran away every time we saw cameras. We were scared of being in the background.
Laneia: I love that Nikki is already in our corner re: the Dine.
Riese: I was remembering the other day how I really felt at the time, like TRLW cameras were devil-robots sent by Ilene to kill me, and when I saw them anywhere near us, I literally ran.
Laneia: Yes, we did.
Riese: I thought they would eat me. It could’ve been the drugs.

Later tonight this tattoo will graze your vadgehole as my fist angles in

+

For Raquel’s birthday, Mikey tattooed Raquel’s name on her giant crowded arm, which is akin to opening a kiosk in the mall to sell tiny lava lamps & ipod accessories and saying HEY BABY I’M THE PRESIDENT OF BLOOMINGDALES.

That’s right, for Raquel’s birthday, Mikey bought herself a tattoo. I’m doing that for my Mom this year with personalized towels with her name on them for me.

Raquel: That’s like my name on your body permanently.
Mikey: Oh shit, I meant to get somebody else’s name.

Papi sees what’s going on here:

Mikey doesn’t know how to give Raquel what she wants emotionally because her emotional growth was stunted by her upbringing seeing people getting shot in the face, like in Menace II Society.

How fascinating! Oh well, last episode. Who killed Jenny? Fashion week.

Riese: Wait. Why is everyone being so like –“real”?
Jess: Because it’s the last week of shooting and they’re over it.

IT’S TIME TO HIT THE ROAD AND GO TO DINAH SHORE, HOME OF 25,000 LESBIANS WHO WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ROSE AND SHOOP!

Whitney warmed up for Sara’s vagina at every gas station

Everyone’s packing up for the big journey to Palm Springs! Get your dental dams and bikinis and beer and stuff! Scarlett makes Whitney promise “no drama,” which is a silly thing to ask the chair of Drama Club.

Riese: WHERE’S TESS
Laneia: #tesselbow
Carly: Why isn’t Alyssa going? #sad

Papi knows why Alyssa isn’t going:

The Closer I Am to FINNEEEEEE…

Guess whose home Rose rented!?!!!! I’ll give you a hint: she’s dead and it’s not Helen Keller. Give up?

Carly: They rented Dinah Shore’s home? Oh Jesus. The ghost of a golf player is going to haunt them
Riese: She’s going to sing to them in their sleep.
Laneia: When I went to New York, I ‘rented’ Riese’s home. So it kinda makes sense.

Real L Word Episode 108 Recap: Runway Bridezilla Attacks Zombies, Eats Crybabies, is a Lesbian

Tonight’s episode of The Real L Word really defied expectations. The cast saved seventeen babies from the unforgivable savage claws of a multi-pronged laser-beamed shark attack. Nikki’s magical tears transformed into sapphire bunnies and her compassion healed Natalie’s emotional wounds.  Jill and Whitney took out the trash and cured cancer (ALL OF THE CANCERS), Rose and Papi switched bodies like in Freaky Friday, Mikey forgot to plug in her lamp (and then she bumped it!) which lead to a forest fire that was eventually put out by Dani Campbell, and Stamie’s children attacked Tracy but she was saved by Bill and Ted from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (and its notably less successful sequel, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey).

So anyhow, we were pretty excited. By “we” I mean me (Riese), DJ Carlytron, Executive Editor Laneia, and Senior Editor Celebrity Handler Jess. Yup. That’s a lot of bitches for one g-chat. But like, we just… you know….

Carly: I got drunk during True Blood! Also I realized something. Romi got her feather earring inspiration from —
Riese: Pocahontas!
Carly: Lafayette. We need a side-by-side graphic. He’s been wearing one feather earring lately.
Riese: Lafayette?
Carly: Yes, on True Blood.
Riese: Oh! I thought she got it from her “ancestors.”
Carly: Well, either or.
Laneia: Both. ALL OF THE ANCESTORS!

+

That’s Revlon’s New Shade “Vicodin & Liquor”

Time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, “Straight men ask the darndest things”!

This weeks question:
Do you cry during sex? Like during the first time?

The first time Nikki had sex with a lady, it was “such an emotional experience” that she did cry. Hey, it’s your Passion Party and you’ll cry if you want to.

In Whitney’s case, the crying happened four months later when it showed up on premium cable, much to Jess’s Mom’s surprise. Therfore, she’s stunned by the question:

Whitney: “What? What the fuck kind of question is that? Uh — do people cry? I should ask you that? No. Thank God. I do not cry when I come. Is that why guys keep tissues next to their bed? This whole time I didn’t know. I thought it was for something else.”

Have you ever awoken from a sex-induced tear-stained coma and remembered, suddenly, how the night before you’d done the horizontal mombo with a lezbro who’d refused to remove either her socks or her sunglasses? AWKWARD.

Mikey: “When girls cry during sex, AWKWARD. I don’t even know what to do. Why are they crying? It’s supposed to be a happy moment. What do you do? You can’t get out of the room fast enough.”

Who Would Run Away From This Face?

Tracy did not cry the first time she had sex with a woman. She smiled. And as aforementioned; when Tracy’s smiling, the whole world smiles with her.

Nikki: “Yeah, Jill cries.”
Jill: “I HAVE cried during sex. It’s not often, but I have.”

Aw.

+

Riese: Is everyone ready? Laneia how do you feel?
Jess: I feel partially queasy.
Riese: Laneia. Are you here? Are you crying?  Did you just have sex?
Laneia: This is so dumb.
Jess: Jenny cried when she had sex with Marina. Is this supposed to be a throwback to that?
Laneia: My sense of humor is gone.

Carly: I’m drunk you guys, so I’m going to be funnier than normal. just fyi.
Riese: And also it’s fashion week!

Did you know that Whitney’s roommate’s band “Love Darling” sings the theme song? Jess does. Jess knows everything. She Majored in Real.

The “Previously On” takes so long, I ended up aging, losing my memory via zombie attack, and returning to see Whitney’s puzzling face:

In case you forgot! Anyhow, Jezebel said queer ladies can’t be sluts so, case closed.

Carly: Oh please don’t show this again. “I am a pussy slut”
Laneia: What other kinds of sluts are there?
Riese: Face-sluts, who kiss everyone.
Laneia: I might be a sushi slut.

+

We pick up exactly where we left off!

Cry it out, Nat. Cry it out. Look, you’ve got a sweet-looking girl nuzzling you like a puppy RIGHT NOW, switch it up!

Meanwhile, on the Upper West Side – Rose meets up with ex-girlfriend Angel in what appears to be the Holiday Inn Lounge, where it’s last call for alcohol.

Carly: How many days after last week does this episode take place?
Riese: Two hours.
Carly: It’s like Gossip Girl, with the weird time spans.
Laneia: This is making me want to do something… like… idk. Change the channel. Or buy a dog.
Carly: Drink more?
Laneia: FFWD

Nat wouldn’t approve, but Rose could not resist Angel’s song, JUST LIKE IN RENT, which is NOT a coincidence. Rose is drawn to Angel like a moth to a lava-lamp. Angel makes Rose “feel better” and puts “things” “in perspective.”

Angel: “Rose, I know you better than anybody does. You moved on really fast. Why is that? You don’t know? Rebound. You can’t be alone. Right? You’re still the same. You’ll never change.”

This makes absolutely no sense based on everything else we’ve been told about Rose so far, obviously Ilene could ret-con a cabinet. Rose remains simultaneously scared by & laughing at Angel.

And If It Helps, I’d Say I Feel a Little Worse Than I Did When We Met

Rose: You know that you and I had always established that we would be there for each other.
Angel: We never established this when we broke up. When we broke up it was a horrible breakup... I’ve always known that you’d call me if anything ever happened to your Grandma.

Perhaps Rose desires reconciliation because it’ll heal Grandma?

+

Carly: THEIR KNEES ARE TOUCHING
Riese: I think it’s meaner to cheat on your girlfriend on TV than it is to do it not on TV.
Carly: EVERY BAD LEZBO DECISION STARTS WITH KNEES TOUCHING.
Riese: Fact.
Laneia: I hate all people.
Carly: Rose, do not cheat on Nat on TV! That is just in poor taste.

+

Why Are You Like This? Like, How You ARE

In the car, Rose explains that she’s just trying to “be real” with Angel and Angel doesn’t exactly go down like Rayanne Graff bolting into Jordan Catalano’s Red Ride.

Instead, Angel finds herself challenged by Rose’s inattention to detail and refusal to ever expand descriptions of her feelings beyond 7-8 vague generalities. Can I get a Proper Noun up in here? Does she order “you know, lunch,” at Burger King?

Rose: I am trying to be as real as I possibly can be across the board.
Angel: About what?
Rose: About everything.
Angel: About WHAT?
Rose: About you, about everybody.
Angel: What are you being real about?

What is it that you need, Angel. Do you need us to spell it out for you? Okay.

Laneia: She’s trying to be real because she’s on The Real L Word.
Riese: Right, she’s not being polite.
Laneia: I want her to elbow her in the face and/or neck.
Riese: Rose would like to vagina her in the face and/or neck.

+

Angel calls Rose out for strolling on into her car the moment Angel started to move on. Rose says it’s ’cause Angel is one of her best friends, duhsers. That should’ve been the episode’s opening question: “Has anyone ever said they were your best friend while simultaneously undermining your existence? And then cried after lesbian sex, whatever the fuck that is?”

Angel: “It’s always about you and what you need, and it’s never about anything else…. so go do what you do best and make amends with your girlfriend, tell her you needed “closure” to carry on your rapport with her. I know this line. So just go.”

Rose takes Angel’s advice and relays Angel’s suggested cover story to Nat and, BONUS! to the camerapeople in her recap/interview. This girl is smooth like butter/Papi.

I’m a Car Crash But I Have to Get Up and Every Morning It’s a Clean-Up

There’s the little issue of the blow-up pool, a few holiday food drives’ worth of creamed corn, some ambiguously generous spoonfuls of “lube,” and the overall pain of the morning after you fucked a girl with a strap-on on national TV while your other girlfriend stood outside, drinking tequila out of the bottle.

Riese: OH EW.
Carly: Oh good, Whitney time. Barf.

How Else Can I Relax When I Know Something So Unfair/Smelly?

Riese: Oh Whitney has a look on her face that is familiar to me because I have had it. I have had that look on my face, and it was sad, and I hated myself.
Carly: And Alyssa has cried a thousand tears.

How’s Tor-a the Explorer feeling this morning?

Just Throwin’ it Out There

Bet you forgot about those rapey cameras, right? Mhm. I know you did.

Laneia: I can’t believe Tor can still smile in her presence.
Jess: RAPE?!?!
Carly: WHAT? RAPE?! How can a girl not wearing a strap-on be raped by a girl wearing a strap-on? Am I being closed-minded?
Riese: ROMI RAPED HER? ILENE DON’T FUCKING THROW THIS WORD AROUND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
Jess: Do I need another interview with Romi to discuss the rape allegations?
Riese: Also, she has it on tape. like they could probs use that tape in a court of law I imagine.

Meanwhile…

IS IT?

Oh Rape. RAPEITY RAPE RAPE RAPE. Rape rape. Let’s just throw that word around like a little nerf ball that gets tossed into the yard, eaten by a Secret Spy Dog, and thrown into the lake with Laura Palmer’s body and Dana’s other nipple.

Whitney seeks comfort the only way she knows how…

(aw)

Fuck This Venue, Niksalot, Let’s Invest in Autostraddle!

Today’s the day that Nikki is “changing this whole wedding venue situation” before the house goes ‘bye-bye’ (following some kind of natural disaster or economic recovery). Nikki’s muzzling Jill up, sticking marshmallows in her ears, handcuffing her to their antique bed and going out there and buying Castle Rock Falling Water on the Hill so their wedding can be “magical.” You know what else is magical?

MAGIC THE GATHERING

Nikki sits in silence allowing her ‘wife-to-be’ to casually peruse the three potential wedding locations.

Jill Prefers Safari, Write That Down

Carly: That looks like Cherie Jaffe’s house.
Riese: It probably is.
Carly: I hope they get married and invite Shane so that she can smash a BMW into their ceremony.
Laneia: Don’t invite Whitney!
Riese: That house inspired Cherie Jaffe’s house, like how Rose inspired Papi.

Nikki successfully radiates True Love Mind Control onto Jill’s brain, rendering her capacities for financial reasoning mute. We’ve acquired an exclusive video of Nikki & Jill’s phone-call to Camilla the Wedding Planner:

+

Let’s head over to the Parking Lot in the Sky with Mikey the Robobiker, where the people are a BUSTLE OF ACTIVITY with only TWO DAYS LEFT TIL THE BIG DAY. What big day? Is it Bette & Tina’s wedding? The Ohio State Fair? The Spice Girls Reunion Tour? Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale? FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS IT’S

mhm.

Big Top Mikey

Carly: Our [upcoming Autostraddle video] is going to be soooo good!
Riese: You guys we can’t talk about [that video] today! It’s two days until Fashion WeekDay!
Carly: Not today! Not on Rex Manning Day!
Riese: Fashion Week is the Poor Man’s Rex Manning Day.

Mikey informs us that THIS IS 100% MY BIGGEST PRODUCTION EVER (bigger than her penis? doubtful) and that THE TENTS ARE UP and THE ROOF IS UP and THE ROOF IS ON FIRE.

Mikey: “To stand underneath a 10,000 foot tent with a 20-foot rise in the center of the ceiling is fucking insane. I’m so excited.”

So that’s Raquel’s secret.

It Takes a Lot of Water to Look This Good

Tracy just worked out her bod, now it’s time to work out her soul. On the phone. With Mom.

Tracy: Do you wanna say Hi to my Mom?
Stamie: No, in my heart I say Hi to her every day. I say thank you. I thank her uterus every day.

Riese: Tracy looks nice in aqua.
Carly: She looks nice in everything/nothing. Deh. Stamie is eating with a little kid fork. Also, Dogwatch 2010: Yawning Dog.
Jess: Was the dog supposed to symbolize the audience?
Carly: The dogs always symbolize the audience/hope for a better day.

Tracy’s had a few talks with her Mom about the ghey thing but is still unsure about Mom’s potential Birthgay Party RSVP. Stamie rubs it in with a heartwarming tale of her parents’ first visit to LA and the glory of having girlfriend + parents under one roof. It’s no 10,000 foot tent/20-foot rise, but it’s something.

Tracy says Mom is making progress.

Tracy: Parents have a coming out process as well.

Don’t I Make You Wanna Be a Better Woman?

Rose is gonna have to do some “Oscar-award winning acting” to get Nat back from Nat’s Mom’s House/Hidwaway. Hopefully Rose’ll pick either Cher in “Moonstruck” or Sally Field in “Norma Rae.”

Carly: Nat has a ‘keep calm and carry on’ meme bike shirt, yikes.
Riese: That’s a new dog!
Carly: NEW DOG?!!! There are like a hundred dogs here all of a sudden.
Jess: The dogs are the Greek Chorus like in Shakespeare.
Riese: IT’S A ZOO!
Carly: ZOOBILEE ZOO!
Riese: Great show.
Carly: Such a great show.

Nat complains that it’s not fair for Rose to just drop everything/Nat when she’s mad. Rose explains that Rose had to look out for Rose for once, as opposed to per ushe when she’s looking out for all of G-d’s creatures, like Snow White or Alyssa.

Just Come Home, We Look Good Together in Photos

Riese: Rose is just always pretty sure that she’s right. That’s her problem. She never budges.
Carly: There are many problems with Rose.
Jess: Is it worth noting that there are NO CATS in this show.

Nat says Rose admits she’d dump Nat for doing what Rose does to her. Then they go home together like two birds of a feather.

Carly: Cut to fashion week, I don’t even care anymore.
Laneia: YES PLEASE.
Riese: I know! Let’s get this fashion show on the road.

White Trash Party –> Actual Trash

It’s time for a “secret mission” to “fuckin’ haul those lube bags” says Whitme. Hell yeah it is.

Carly: Whittime!
Riese: Whittmey. Whitmememememememe.

There’s a hole in the bag. Whitney’s used up her hole-plugging skills for the week. This scene’s a reminder of how the universe constantly provides you with physical opportunities to regret what you did last night. Bruises, broken arms, cans cans everywhere and giant leaking garbage bags of lube. Mother Nature wants you to dwell, otherwise Disasterparties would clean themselves, amirite?

Carly: I love secret missions!
Jess: I can’t believe this is a television show.
Riese: This is way more white trash than the party.
Carly: Don’t they have a hose? Can’t they just hose it down?
Laneia: I want to die. Now. Please. FORFEIT
Riese: DOUBLE BAG IT.
Laneia: NO SHIT.
Jess: Ok the lube dragging is the moment the show jumped the shark.
Riese: White trash would know to double bag it.

Whitney: We’re just two young ladies —
Alyssa: Lubes ahoy!

[They arrive at the dumpster]

Whitney: We don’t need that cart.
Alyssa: No, no.
Whitney: Fuck the cart.
Alyssa: We’ll get another cart.
Whitney: We’re outta here.

Real L Word Episode 107 Recap: It’s My Party and I’ll Cry, Scream or Wrestle If I Want To

Hey did you hear the one about the girl who did the other girl with the strap-on? Well, you’re about to! Don’t worry it’s not like porn or anything. It’s more like a series of one-act plays composed by precocious junior high students who’d overdosed on Skins and didn’t dislike the “Who Killed Jenny” storyline, and sometimes wish they were as good looking as any of the Humphreys from Gossip Girl.

Haggadahs! Broken glass! Fucking! Screaming! Wrestling! Yelling! Drinking! Hospitals! Exes! Lighting! Long walks on the beach! Psychics! WHAT THE FUCKING FRACK?

After viewing The Real L Word on Sunday night, I submitted myself to intellectual recovery-from-shock therapy: a handful of old Six Feet Under clips, half of Eileen Myles’ poetry book Not Me. I read over my review of Emily Gould’s And the Heart Says Whatever, and thought about how I’d rather finish writing that than write this. But alas. I did this. For you.

For that sacrifice, you all owe Autostraddle money:

This week I watched with Laneia and Jess. Carly emailed me some of her commentary which  I’ve added here and there. Eagle eyes. Did you read our interview with Carlytron about how reality tv works and is edited? It’s seriously fascinating w/r/t #thisfuckingshow.

Anyhow aren’t you so excited! YOU GUYS IT’S GIRLS WHO LIKE GIRLS ON THE TEEVEE! GRAB YOUR GIRLFRIEND, LICK HER FACE, LESBIANS ON THE TV DON’T YOU LIKE IT

+

Time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, “questions that confuse Jill, make Tracy laugh uncomfortably and cover topics on which Whitney and Rose are invariably experts.”

Today’s Question: “Do you Use Sex Toys / Have You Been to a Sex Shop? HEY PRETTY LADY HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT STRAP-ONS?”

+
Whitney basically lists every sex toy she’s ever heard of: “strap-ons, dildos, vibrators, anal beads if you wanna get freaky with it.” Oh also, she “likes strap-on sex. Giving it.”

Riese: Hey, they’re talking about strap-on sex! I wonder if anyone’s gonna use a strap-on in this episode!
Laneia: HMMM I WONDARRR

Mikey says, “there’s some great contraptions, some swings, slings and things.” This is how we feel about being in a “contraption” with Mikey:

Mikey offers some practical advice for the first time in the history of Mikey:

Mikey: “I would not suggest putting a strap-on in a dishwasher. You throw everything away and you start over again. You really wanna get committed and stay in one relationship, because it’s super-expensive to change girlfriends. At least on my end.”

Laneia: Mikey just made a good point.
Riese: It’s true, it is expensive to buy a new strap-on for each new relationship, especially if someone took too much ambien and somehow got permanent marker on yours.
Laneia: :(

Nikki has a drawer. You know. A Drawer. A drawer of “things.” We’ve compensated for her lack of elaboration with this doodle:

Let’s begin! We get off to a running start with Mikey and her interns in the office! Fascinating!

2 busy 4 haircut (me 2)

Mikey is SUPER busy at work. I wonder why. Kelka Pride? Apocalypse 2012?  Rodeo Disco? Oil Spill? Anthrax? Degrassi Boiling Points Marathon?

Oh something’s around the corner.

What is it? Just guess. COME ON I give you like five guesses okay four. Okay ONE GUESS WHAT IT IS.

Mikey talks so loud in this episode that I’m almost distracted from my usual focus, which is her alternative lifestyle bouffant.

Do You Know What This Shamrock Means? Do YOU?!!! LUCK. IT MEANS I’M GETTING LUCKY TODAY, DON’T PRESS IT

Mikey repeats her weekly recitation, adding some frustration regarding hangers, a phone call, and an “RSVP” list bada bing bada boom next scene please.

Mikey: “THE SEATING CHART AND THE RSVP LIST ARE THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT THINGS FOR THE DESIGNERS as well as the other people who are …” [etc]

Mikey Loves All Caps

Laneia: THIS RSVP LIST IS JUST SO BIG! BIGGER THAN MY DICK EVEN!
Riese: IT’S BIG LIKE MY PENIS! OR MY STRAP-ON!

Mikey is in a panic, as these fascinating tasks won’t do themselves. Who’s Your Daddy indeed.

Laneia: Mikey, honey, it’s just not that hard to put together a list. I did it.
Riese: We all have jobs. We do work. At least you’re getting paid to do yours.
Laneia: We did it for Rodeo Disco 2. No prob.

+

SHALOM SESAME!

It’s Passover time! This is a big deal as it honors Moses leading the enslaved Jews out of Egypt and into the land of milk and honey  I MEAN BECAUSE IT’S NIKKI & JILL’S FIRST SEDER AS AN ENGAGED COUPLE AND G-D WILL NEVER LET MY PEOPLE GO IF THE HOUSE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE POTTERY BARN.

Designer Dan, seemingly teleported from a campy/canceled Bravo reality show, has been summoned to prepare the home for holiness, a.k.a. turn his father’s house into a marketplace.

[Sidenote: Passover was March 29th -> April 6th this year, overlapping with Dinah Shore, which we’ll visit in The Real L Word‘s finale. Fashion Week was March 20 and Mikey’s story this ep happens two weeks pre-Fashion Week. Just FYI!]

Designer Dan: I came here already deciding what pieces we should keep and what pieces we should be ready to update —
Nikki: Let’s just talk — we discussed the dining room table.
Designer Dan: It’s a great card table. It’s not a dining room table.
Nikki: Okay, that’s why we called you.

As it was written in the Torah, if your dining room table looks like a card table, then ELIJAH WILL NOT COME. Dan registers a few more complaints about the decor: their curtain rod looks like “a fucking hospital suite,” the paint is “mud on the walls,” the curtains are “old schmatta rags,” and “we DO need a new rug… we DO,” and there are children starving all over the world who need your help! Oh I made up that last part, but it’s true and Nikki can hardly believe it either:

Nikki wants Passover to be OFF THE CHAIN because G-d said “Thou shalt host Passover Seder and it shall be off the chain.” Preach it, Jill —

Jill: “These are the nicest walls and the nicest rug I’ve ever owned, so GO FIGURE.”

But the worst part of this shabby shack of sin? The lighting.

Nikki: “I need a chandelier in here. That’s what I absolutely need.”
Designer Dan: “You absolutely have to have a chandelier here, it’s gonna make the room a little more intimate, it’s gonna bring the volume down a little bit.”

Jill never learned this commandment, obviously:

Riese: I’m always so confused during the Jill/Nikki scenes ’cause I honestly — like I’m not being fresh — cannot locate the source of the conflict and have trouble following what’s happening. Like what’s the problem here exactly?
Laneia: Riese, lighting. Their problem is lighting.
Riese: Because like, I have never thought about this stuff EVER. Do we have a lightbulb in the house? y/n? N? Who has cash, do I have pants on —
Laneia: My problem is health insurance. FYI.
Riese: Mine is that I think T-Mobile shut off my phone. And I deserve it.

It’s Okay You Can Do Whatever You Want With YOUR Eyebrows, I Just Keep My Own How I Like It

Rose’s grandmother is maybe sick and was given medication but won’t take it because it makes her sleepy. Anyway let’s talk — but not REALLY TALK — about the Rose/Mom flamewar, b/c it’s making Rose’s grandmother sick.

Laneia: I need Grandma to hug me. Now. RIGHT NOW
Riese: Me too. But also ROSE TELL US ABOUT YOUR FUCKING MOM RIGHT NOW OR I STAB YOU IN THE EYE
Laneia: I can’t talk, I love Grandma too much, I need a hug.

Wants to Hug Laneia

Rose is pissed that Mom is calling Angel, which may/may not be why Mom and Rose aren’t talking. Why does Mom need to call Angel, Angel has twitter, this Akita Evita will not shut up and I believe if she tweets nonstop..

Rose will consider making up with her Mom for Grandma’s sake.

Laneia: I can’t believe she missed the chance to say “drama w/ my mama.”

Now Say After Me: Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board

It’s time for Tracy’s first reading ever! With Stamie’s psychic named ROBIN ALEXIS. Robin ALEXIS is two lesbian names smashed together with an “IS” tagged on.

Tracy is “skeptical” about Robolex, but admits Robolex has predicted Stamie’s future WAY early. Like Robolex predicted an upcoming change, and then change happened.

To perform the reading, RobinAlexis does a mashup combining the following: Natalie Portman’s manic pixie dance in Garden State, The Exorcist (later recalled by Tracy), Shark Week, Dolphin Sounds, the noise of children playing/crying in the back area of a Mormon Church service, Jenny’s mime/circus hallucinations, and Bette Midler’s “Oh Industry” from Beaches.

This is when I discovered closed captioning on my DVD player. The world hasn’t been the same since:

I’m jealous of Jodi, watching TV with closed captions is way better. I thought Miss Cleo was just making bullshit noises, but there’s phonics involved somewhere:

+

+

+

Tracy: I was expecting for her head to start spinning and for green shit to spew out of her mouth. Like this is too much, get outta here, no way.

Stamie knows the drill:

Whoosh I’m Gonna Grab Your Boobs

Tracy’s Mom is distracting Robinalexa’s energy. Tracy needs to “feel safe being her authentic self.” Which I think is more or less what we’re all struggling with, every day, ain’t it?

Carly: The lady doing Tracy’s reading belongs in a Christopher Guest movie. Is this for real?

Tracy’s Mom needs “consistent spiritual nurturing,” also should acquire this nurturing within the next five months or else the terrorists win/Showtime can’t film it.

It freaks Tracy out because it’s what she needs to hear: someone possibly insane telling you that you MUST do what your heart already wants to do. It’s that little extra nudge. Can you feel it? It feels like a strap-on nudging at your butthole, but lovingly. Also who can’t relate to feeling that their Mom needs “spiritual help” ? Even if your Mom is dead, still.

+

I See Those Bananas, What You Did There

This is a HUGE weekend for Whitney’s hair! Paintball is TOMORROW and their first annual WHITE TRASH POOL PARTY is like the next day! Omg how will they do it all I hope somebody’s making a list!

Laneia: This is so dull. Are they making it dull so the strap-on sex will be DYNAMIC.
Riese: Yes, it’ll wake us up like a good dildo poke.

HEY SPEAKING OF.

Whitney: “Tomorrow, I’m packing. When you lose, you’re getting it. I’m gonna strap it on. And the loser gets it.”
Tor: “I don’t care, I’m kicking your ass tomorrow. And then you’re gonna take it like a bitch. I’m gonna be doing the fucking around here. Let me tell ya.”
Whitney: “You are? You wanna top me?”
Tor: “Mmhmm.”
Whitney: “No you don’t.”

Riese: Tops and bottoms. so fascinating and untrodden.
Laneia: I just fell asleep and while I was asleep I went back to men.
Riese: I’ve just gone asexual chic.

But what will Whitney wear to paintball? She has no layers, only “stuff that looks good” which is debatable.

Laneia: SHE HAS NO LAYERS. She is unlike an onion. Or Shrek.
Riese: Tor is storing the puppy in her shirt.

Whitney: “Tor and I have been trying to work out our relationship, we’ve obviously hooked up before, not lately, but obviously we have a lot of tension that needs to be worked out.”

Standing Just Outside of What Your Pride Will Allow

Carly: Robin from the other room: “Whoever wins gets to WHAT?!” Robin is ashamed of the Real L Word and refuses to watch, making her much smarter than the rest of us.

Real L Word Episode 106 Recap: Family Ties You Up, Girl

This week, our excitement for Episode 106 of Showtime’s The Real L Word vacillated slightly from day to day. Occasionally we’d find ourselves daydreaming mid-afternoon about Rose and her bros blowin’ off steam or Mikey’s Sunglasses facing off against Whitney’s Power of the Clam in a Celesbian Lazerdeath Match. From time to time, we’d awake sweaty in the middle of the night, screaming: “IT’S THE PERFECT DRESS!”

Then, at last, the time came.

My stomach hurt — was it dread? PMS? The responsibility thrust upon me to be “playful” as I recap a program which undermines everything I believe in as a human being? There was only one way to find out.

Laneia and I sat down to watch the show, alcohol on hand. About ten minutes in, we were joined by Carlytron, who you may recall from this website and my L Word recaps of yore.

Laneia: I’m in my underwear! I’m going to try to not be a bitch this week!
Riese: I’m not.
Laneia: You should drink more!

+

It’s time for another round of  everyone’s favorite party game, “Please Don’t Ask Me This on Formspring!”

Today’s Question: When Did You Come Out To Your Family?

Whitney screamed, “Dad, I’m gay!” on her way out of the house on National Coming Out Day. Dad didn’t pay no mind. Perhaps he was drunk, or just happy that Whitney was leaving and wouldn’t return pregnant.

Tracy’s Mom has got it going on. (I’ve been wanting to say that for six weeks!) JK, Tracy’s Mom’s face “dropped in” and it was awful and Tracy never wants to see that face again. Luckily, she can look at her own face whenever she wants to:

When Nikki came out, Nikki’s Mom said she’d always known Nikki had a Big Lesbo Crush on her college roommate. And she was right. So. There’s the first twenty seconds of an erotic film.

It took Mikey’s grandmother five years to say the word “lesbian,” probably because of dentures.  Similarly, it took five minutes for Mikey to figure out how to lean:

+
Laneia: Oh yay, a coming out question!
Riese: G-d I’d rather read Mikey’s memoir than see her on the TV.
Laneia: I am so bored.

+

“Once I knew who I was, I didn’t give a fuck about what everyone else thought,” says Rose. However, her early self-realization led to very strict sleepover policies. Poor Papi.

+

“I said, ‘I think I’m gay,’ and my oldest boy said, ‘I knew,” says Meredith Baxter. This episode is clearly going to be about Meredith Baxter, because it’s called Family Ties. Right? I just figured, so I thought I’d throw her in here.

+

I Fell In Love With a Stripper, Bro

Rose & The Bros are at Hamburger Mary’s, discussing their recent mid-evening hotel stripper experience. Rose does some quick math: “I was sandwiched by two strippers, so that’s four breasts, and then Danielle, so two and a half breasts.”

Rose’s knowledge of social networking is quaint and elderly, while also gross.

Bro: Did you tell your other half?
Rose: No, nobody. Twit nothing. Tweet. Twat. Nothing twattered, nothing.

Got it?

Rose: [Natalie] would not be cool with it. But I did not do anything wrong, and so if it does make or break us, that’s retarded.”

Bro: “Let’s say Natalie had a night like that…”
Rose: “No.”

4.5 Breasts is What I’m Telling You, Bros. You Think Nat’s Tiny Head Could Handle This Shit?

+

Laneia: My stomach hurts. I think this show is giving me an ulcer?
Riese: I wish this show gave this show an ulcer. I like her friends better than her, per ushe.
Laneia: Si.  [see what i did there?]
Riese: [si!]

+

Rose would “put Natalie’s ass out for a while” if she had a hotel stripper party. Isn’t that double standards, bro? “No,” explains Rose. “I’m not double standards, I’m just saying, I’m growing up, you know.”

Okey doke.

+

Family Hour

Tracy’s family stops by for hugs, smiles, and clear skin. Tracy’s two sisters have boyfriends. “It’s cute,” says Tracy, probably about something else. Amy, despite having a name that rhymes with “Stamie,” isn’t totally cool with Tracy’s gayness, maybe. It’s a bit hazy.

The Sisters are hungry and want to order food. Also they want to watch The Oscars with sound, not on mute (as one must do when a camera crew is around).  I know this from The Live Lounge interview with Tracy & Stamie, not from the episode. Yeah, I hang out there sometimes. The Live Lounge. It’s pretty chill. I dig the music.

Forget everything I just told you about what I heard in The Live Lounge, okay? Forget it. That’s not the story Ilene wants to tell.

Laneia: How cute are these people?
Riese: You’re really trying to have the glass half-full right now. It’s cute.
Laneia: How do they all have such beautiful glowy skin?

Clean But Also, Unclear

Tracy wants Mom to know about/like Stamie. The boyfriend explains that Stamie’s best shot at making a good impression on Mom is to dress really “girlie.” You know —

Or, You Could Just Take Her to a Hotel Room With Strippers

Riese: Her mom will be seduced by boobs?
Laneia: OH AMY’S THE MIDDLE CHILD. That explains it.
Riese: What’s wrong with middle children? Are they like bisexuals?

Eventually, the stench of homosexuality drives one sibling from the room.

+

Riese: Maybe she’s upset about Tracy being on the show, not about her being a lesbian.
Laneia: This is all such problematic wording.
Riese: Because if I visited my brother and there were cameras there, I would be like, “What the fuck are you doing you do not want a shot at love with that girl!”

+

Amy: “You guys can cuddle, it’ll be okay.”

PREACH.

So Which of These Books Should We Read After Our Wedding?

If there are two things Jill & Nikki don’t get enough of, it’s 1) Wedding Planning, and 2) Private Time. So Nikki set up a “private dining room” at a fancy restaurant to talk about the wedding.

More importantly, Carly arrives to watch TFS (This Fucking Show) with us.

+

Laneia: Where are they? The library?
Riese: Yes, they’re picnicking at the library
Carly: Wait, are they are at the Taschen store?

+

Have You Considered a Large Parking Lot, Tented?

Today’s topic: the venue. Also, as they’ve developed “stronger opinions,” Jill thinks it is now necessary to call a truce and agree to never argue. Speaking of arguing, Nikki’s father refuses to ‘ride outside his comfort zone’ and therefore probs won’t ride a horse to California Vadgeville to walk her down the aisle, but that’s what Nikki WANTS DAMMIT:

Jill: “Why, because that’s tradition? If we’re gonna play by tradition, then I should be a man. Right?… this is our wedding, our union, so whatever feels best for you.”

Also, this happened:

Nikki: “When my parents got divorced I was in my 20s… and the last time I ever heard from my father was when I appeared on Oprah in 2006 … it was a show about women who figured out that they were gay after they were married… and what he said was, “I was in my house the other day and turned on Oprah and saw a beautiful woman, and I thought to myself ‘what a waste of a woman’ when I saw the subject matter. And then I realized it was you.”

Nikki has just almost moved me to tears, and they aren’t tears of boredom. Then Jill says that Nik is a wonderful loving person and bunnies fall from the sky, knocking us all unconscious.

+

Man I Wish This Chick Wasn’t My Sister So I Could Bang Her

Whitney’s got one sister, Alexis, who she loves “more than anything in this world.” This furthers our vampire theory as it suggests there is “another world.” Whitney’s starving, she’s gonna eat this bottle of ketchup. Also, it’s toasty.

+
Riese: “I’m starving, I’m gonna eat my words” – would be better
Laneia: It’s toasty, yet you’re still in leather?
Riese: She can’t take off that jacket. It’s like a Barbie or Mikey.
Carly: It’s how she gets her powers.

+

Also This Helps. The Drinking Also Helps.

Whitney’s old strategy involved being honest but “leaving out pieces of information.” George W. did it and he got re-elected, so that probs will earn Whitney at least one more term in Romi/Tor/Sara’s pants.

Whitney: “I’m doing this thing where I’m like so brutally honest with girls… but I am so open about it, I have no secrets, you know I can’t be in a relationship, and I’m not ready, so if you want to still talk to me and deal with me in this way, then you know this.”

+

Laneia: ‘Deal with me in this way’? Appropriate.
Riese: That’s not being honest? Leaving out pieces of information?
Carly: It’s being vague.
Riese: I think that’s the opposite of honesty.
Laneia: I wish we’d put ‘honest’ in the drinking game.
Carly: Whitney is to blame for the financial crisis, clearly.
Riese: We should drink every time Whitney rationalizes her behavior with a weak rationalization.

+
Really, it was said best in the 1983 film The Big Chill:

Michael: “I don’t know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They’re more important than sex.”
Sam Weber: “Ah, come on. Nothing’s more important than sex.”
Michael: “Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?”

FACEPALM! Whitney Obviously Doesn’t Know the Volturi Are Back

Whitney’s Dad had an affair and her parents got divorced. When Whitney was wee, her Dad would mack on all the soccer Moms at Whitney’s games, therefore messing her up as she attempted to head-bump some chick in the vadge. In short: she’s got issues; she got it from Dad. You remember this storyline.

+

Carly: Oh it’s her DAD’S fault.
Riese: Wait, this is semi-interesting to me?
Laneia: It IS the family episode.
Carly: She’s acting very Shane today, Daddy Issues and all.

+

Wink Wink

+

Carly: I love when I go out to dinner in a major metropolitan area and there’s no one else out on the patio.
Riese: Me too.
Laneia: Happens all the time.
Riese: It always makes me worry that it’s about to rain.
Laneia: Rain money?
Riese: Oh yeah it might rain money for Mikey’s party. I mean EVENT

BIG CITY HMM? BUT NOT CITY ONLY ONLY PEOPLES PEOPLES IS PEOPLES NO IS BUILDINGS IS TOMATOES HUH IS PEOPLES IS DANCING IS MUSIC IS POTATOES.

Mikey’s taking Manhattan just like the muppets! Apparently one must visit New York City to prepare for LA Fashion Week, ’cause there aren’t any writers in LA anymore to see her designers. For evidence of this, observe the grammatical accuracy of your LA friends’ Facebook wall posts.

+

Riese: SHE SAID WeekEND instead of “week.” FINALLY. Thank God, I feel so much better, I feel like Mikey just came out.
Laneia: Great, now I have to down this beer.

+

Like Anthropologie, But Probably Even Less Affordable

++

Carly: Oh no Mikey has lesbian collar.
Riese: Why wasn’t I invited to this event?
Carly: TUCK THE SHIRT COLLAR IN, GIRL. YOU ARE IN “FASHION.”

This is What They Do on That Real Housewives Show Right

Nat & her older sister, Leslie, are getting Nat’s nails done for Nat’s new “job” as Rose’s “assistant.” Uh-huh. Guess you wouldn’t want to let your nails get too long for that job.

Hello Nat’s Sister

So like Rose got Nat a gift card? Because she was upset and stuff. Nat says she’s like Rose’s “Baby Mama,” or like her “wife.” Also, it’s time for Rose to meet Mom because that’s what today’s episode is about.

Laneia: SISTER TIME.
Riese: Did they do Nat’s entire interview in one day? I’m upset about her blush and want a new shot/outfit.
Carly: Why didn’t they make them change outfits? That’s like the first rule of “Shooting Everything In One Day.”

+

Nat: “It’s just in my nature. Out of all of my sisters, I always wanted to be married. Younger rather than older.”

I feel bad for Nat. She’s like the younger girl in love with an older guy who’s always at the Dairy Queen flirting with high school girls, and she’s like, “No he loves me, we’re getting married!” and they’re like, “Uh huh [no way].”

+

Carly: Aw no one’s at Mikey’s lil party! Sad trombone.
Riese: I just feel sad for her all the time so much.

+

In Mikey’s defense, McDonald’s stops serving breakfast at 10:30 so the mysterious Editors of New York City are likely on their way.

Mikey says her PR person is the best PR person ever, just like the Parking Lot Disco Ball Salesman was the best Producer of Events ever. I bet she also thinks this was the Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. and it totally was not. Mikey has lots of Editors coming on the schedule but none of them have shown up.

Why not? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. The Question of the Episode is, “When did you come out to your family?” and the topic is “family” so we can only conclude that the Editors are probs having dinner with Mikey’s linguistically challenged grandmother.

Riese: They should’ve invited Julie and Brandy, they would’ve gone.
Laneia: Yup.
Carly: Totally they would have.
Riese: Because this event is gay and fashion. It would’ve been perfect for their blog, itsnotgayitsfashion.blogspot.com
Carly: I love that blog btw.

Mikey is Gay But Not Fashion

Mikey goes from booth to booth to check her designer’s moods. Maybe if Mikey talks loud enough, it will seem like more people are there. The Best PR Person Ever tells stressed-out Mikey not to be a “negator.”

Laneia: “Negator.” Like a raptor, but grumpier.

Wanna See My Wand? IT’S NOT AS BIG AS MY PENIS

Carly: She’s wearing her Hogwarts blazer today.
Riese: I hope she can magically make ‘editors’ appear.
Carly: Maybe she can magically make sunglasses disappear?

There’s only one thing to do in this situation. And it’s not to don the Coat of Invisibility.

It Was My Unlucky Day Today on Avenue A

Mikey: “The only thing I really know how to do in this situation is try to get everybody in a good mood so when the editors come in later this afternoon, everyone feels like they’re having a good time.”

Laneia: “The only thing I know how to do is get drunk.”
Riese: Maybe they think it’s magic juice.
Carly: “So when they come in later this afternoon everyone is passed out on the floor.”

But to Cry In Front Of You, That’s the Worst Thing I Could Do.

+

Mikey: “Having a slow start is possibly the worst thing that could happen.”

+

Laneia: Nope! Nope! Getting drunk in the middle of the day is the worst thing that could happen.
Riese: Yup, already happened. Done.

So basically Mikey is starting the drinking early, and most of her clients are partaking, except for one stuffy lady named Wendy. This is a commendable strategy and I hope it ends in HIJINKS! How do lesbians have sex btw STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

Carly: WHERE ARE THE DOGS? WHY IS NO ONE HOME WITH DOGS?
Riese: The dogs are with Angelica.
Laneia: Last week was dogs, this week is sisters.
Carly: Every week is dogs.
Laneia: Should be.
Carly: I am missing the dogs. I thought this show was about cute dogs living in LA? Is this not that show?
Riese: I know I thought this was “Showdog Mom and Dads.”

+

Teachable Moment: Listen up, Mikey. Not everyone wants to party. Some people are v. serious about fashion. If Tyra was here, she would tell you about this time she flew to Bangladesh for an Ethiopian Fashion Week event, wearing a stick-and-berry bikini surrounded by racks of stinking bloody cowhides and her assistant only spoke French-Canadian and Naomi Campbell called someone a bitch and still, STILL, still Tyra Banks who was only 13 years old, THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, still TYRA BANKS managed to acquire editors from every major newspaper in the Eastern Bloc while smiling with her eyes and doing creative things with horse-hair and flip-flops.

In other words, she modeled through it.

+

Real L Word #105 Recap: Free Pass (To Do What I Want)

The Real L Word is the best show on Television. It’s about real lesbians like you and me. Sometimes you can spot them from 50-100 feet away!

I was so excited for this week’s episode, I’d already wet my pants five times before even seeing the preview featuring a cage-dancing Sara wearing a gigantic doily stolen from Jenny Schecter’s Secret Attic. Laneia agreed with me that we hadn’t been this excited for the teevee since Max’s Baby Shower. See:

Riese: This is what I’m looking forward to: I just ordered Chinese food.
Laneia: Omg jealous.
Riese: It should be here in 10-15 minutes.
Laneia: Your life = good.
Riese: Also I am looking forward to Tracy Ryerson and Nat Garcia‘s photoshoot for Lucky Dog Leather with Jill Bennett and Cathy Debouno.
Laneia: Yes that Nat Garcia!
Riese: She’s a looker!
Laneia: If Nat intros herself as being from Autostraddle, I’ll down this beer.
Riese: YES. DRINKING GAME RULE.
Laneia: If Nat mentions AS, chug.

TOO SOON, HELENA, TOO SOON

Today we open with everyone’s favorite party game, “Ask the lesbians questions they are already sick of answering!” This round is about 100-footers. No, not 20 five dollar foot-longs — good guess though!

A “100 footer” is someone you can tell is a lesbian from 100 feet away, like when you’re seated upstairs at a Tegan & Sara concert.

Q: What is a “hundred footer?”

Mikey: “Is it a description of my penis?”

Nikki: “A lesbian you can see from 100 feet away.”
Jill: “Sounds like a Subway sandwich.”

Tracy: “You can kinda guess but who knows now. They might be a hipster. They might be German. We like to play that game, “German or Gay.”

Laneia: Omg that was hilarious?
Riese: My mouth muscles moved into a position of smile & laugh?

+

Whitney says she is identifiable as homosexual from 50 feet while toting a hammer or fixing a fence. Or building fences around her heart!

Anyhow, based on the uniform described by the ladies, which includes: a crew cut, hipster pants, a strap-on, a flannel shirt, birkenstocks, something “1970’s San Francisco” and a hammer, Taylor was supposed to make you a doodle but there was some kind of technical difficulty so instead we have this photo from Getty Images described by Getty Images as “a lesbian with fairy wings.” I don’t know why this image is labeled “a lesbian with fairy wings,” but can only conclude that even G*d can tell she’s a lesbian, all the way from the sky.

If anyone wants to draw us that doodle, please do tell, you will win a free cuddle session with Taylor. Contest is closed! Wasteunit has kindly illustrated a “100-footer” so now you’ll know what Ilene is talking about. Awesome:

This “100 foot” question relates to the rest of the episode because this week, most of the cast members are totally blind in one or both eyes and repeatedly misidentify/mislabel humans/experiences/ideas, that are seemingly visible to the naked illiterate eye, as being much better than they truly are. You’ll see. Or will you?

+

The Real L Word: Things You Apparently Can’t Tell Just From Looking at Her Edition

+

In which our heroines seem to be blind in one or both eyes, as described above, or wearing sunglasses to bed because we ain’t seeing what they’re seeing:

1. Rose: “I’m being extremely good. I’m being a saint.”

+

2. Whitney: “That lace onesie is hot as FUCK.”

3. Whitney: “The other girls are like oh here I am, I’m ready for you — they’ve got it all out there. But Sara’s like, I’m not really sure…”

those are her legs in the "v"

+

4. Mikey: “This would be the best space [for LA Fashion Week]… it’s a great location.”

it's a parking lot

+

Regardless, thank G-d this guy is paying attention:

We’re switching it up today and recapping character-by-character because: 1) I want to, 2) An error with how the screencaps were saved to my hard drive, which I won’t go into, because you should save your melancholy half-attentive moments for later, when Nikki reads her email out loud to Jill, 3) Unless Robert Altman is directing the last episode, these are all separate stories anyhow amirite? 4) For funsies.

1. Whitney

All Dressed Down & Someplace to Go

Whitney’s going to San Francisco because Romi & Tor are both mad at her, so, you know — why not? That’s the same way I feel about going to get a spring roll, so I do. Then I return to the teevee.

Riese: What did I miss?
Laneia: Whitney’s going to San Francisco with Scarlett to see Sara!
Riese: I hope she goes to Alcatraz.

Tor, who’s totally over Whitney, agrees:

Whitney: “L.A.’s the place to live, but things get debaucherous in San Francisco. That’s all I have to say about that.”

I mean how much can you really say about something that doesn’t make sense, yannow?

Just Don’t Get All Harvey Milk On Me Now, Okay? I Want You Home in One Piece.

It’s an eight-hour drive, but luckily Whitney’s got eight girlfriends so there’s plenty to talk about between This American Life episodes! Like how Sara & Whitney are a lot alike and Whitney wants an all-night lovemaking session with Sara, like in the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You.” There’s just! One! Problem!

Whitney: “Can I just do a handstand or something to keep this period from not coming out of my body because there is a lot to do in San Francisco…I wish there was some pill you could take to put it off for like a day.”

Actually, there is, it’s called Yasmin? Or really any birth control pill. Also, you never get preggers but are always depressed!

Whitney: “In lesbian sex you can be fucked if you have your period or the other girl has her period — until you get into a rotation where you’re kinda synced up, you’re kinda working with 2.5-3 weeks of good sexing. But you know what? Personally I don’t care. I’ve earned my red wings.”

Red Wings are a lot like sanitary pads with wings, except swap “tongue” for “sanitary pad,” take off all your clothes, do a handstand, and put down a towel.

Red Wings

Riese: My jaw just dropped.
Laneia: I’m biting my lips. Both of them. I look like my grandma
because of Whitney.
Riese: She made a good point about timing which I related to.
Laneia: I think that may’ve been the most honest thing that Whitney’s ever said. Ever.
Riese: I actually completely agree. She almost seemed like a real person during that conversation. Maybe it’s ’cause she was traveling with Scarlett, who AS FAR AS WE KNOW she has not hooked up with. Usually she announces that straight away —
Laneia: SARA
Riese: ROMI
Laneia: TORRRR
Riese: I wish TOR’s name was “THOR.”
Laneia: Two types of people Whitney knows: those who’ve fucked her and those who haven’t.

+

The ladies arrive in San Francisco. After Mikey & Raquel skipping Bodies: The Exhibit at The Luxor while in Las Vegas, I hope to G-d that Whitney doesn’t skip The Beat Museum, but I have a feeling that she might. She seems preoccupied with the Museum of Whitney’s Face.

Definitely a Cullen

Very attractive people go to tonight’s party, Flourish, says Whitney, but tonight Whitney’s not one of those people ’cause her eyes “look like saggy vaginas,” which is a side effect of having excess vagina in your face/eye sockets. That’s okay, Scarlett will fix it with her Soft Butch Fairymakeupwand:

+

Laneia: WHAT DID SHE SPRAY ON HER FACE?!
Riese: Pepper spray I hope?

Scarlett’s not going out tonight ’cause one of the promoters is her ex-girlfriend, and also Scarlett has a cybersex date with me later.

+

Laneia: Whitney just said that Scarlett staying home from the party was ‘responsible’ and ‘adult’, so she does understand the concept. This is promising.
Riese: It is. Self-awareness could turn out to be a path. Like, to enlightenment.

+

All of Whitney’s good-looking friends are at Flourish! Um, we actually recognize some of Whitney’s friends, or rather, every episode seems chock-full of faces we recognize from various lesbian activities? Sometimes this show makes us nervous that the lesbian world is really, really small. Like, what if there aren’t that many lesbians in the world? Maybe they’re all just cranky and like to write their complaints about the world in books and on the internet so we end up hearing from ALL THE LESBIANS and therefore perceive there must be more where that came from, but maybe there isn’t. We thought there were more but it looks like probably there aren’t. Sorry.

Riese: ALL OF THE FRIENDS!
Laneia: All of them!

Whitney knows that this party is gonna be off the hook! Not ’cause of this part, which maybe was just b-roll, ‘CAUSE NOBODY MENTIONS IT:

But ’cause of the “lesbians taking pictures”…

Also you know, weird things like this. It’s lesbian cheek-eaters:

and “girls in cages, dancing”….

I Heard the Caged Bird Sing, and she said, “sex”:

Whitney describes the party as “a teenage boy’s wet dream.” This also applies to grown women with teenage boy personalities.

+

Laneia: Oh dear god.
Riese: Is this real?
Laneia: I want to cry. This is what happened at Truck Stop and I wanted to cry.

+

+

Back to Sara, the Lady of the Night…

Whitney: “Sara, of course, in her nature is go-go dancing tonight. Oh my God she is so hot. G0d has answered my prayers and those prayers came in a lace onesie.”

Yes I believe that’s in The Book of Revelation after the Horsemen of the Apocalypse arrive.

Whitney normally don’t get all jealous, but tonight that’s tough because she is coming in her pants/all over her tampon and just wants Sara in her bed. Or like, in the shower, whatevs. Whatever is available.

+

Everyone takes turns pointing at Sara like she’s got her fly unzipped. But this is a no-fly zone, people.

It’s a Bird!

Girl, that looks like a plane!

No, it’s just Go-Go-Gadget-Sara!

+

Lucky for us, or not, depending on how you look at it, Whitney gets to take Sara back to the hotel lobby which is after the after-party, according to a popular hip-hop song. It’s a brisk night for a semi-nude swim, isn’t it?

Pool Closed, Legs Wide Open

Now that we’re ALL WET we should probably go inside…

Sara, still feeling sea mammally, and Whitney, who might end up making her guest spot next week on That Time of the Month, is feeling feeling Sara naked in the shower and hey-o! Looks like we’re INVITED!

+

“Won’t this be special? We’ll get to have sex in front of the whole country!”

+

Yes! Just two girls, a boom guy, and the camera operator:

+

+

Riese: So THIS is how lesbians have sex. They hug in their underwear in the shower.
Laneia: WHY IS THE FUCKING CAMERA IN THE BATHROOM, there is NOT enough room in the bathroom for this shit.
+

+
Riese: oh my god
Laneia: OH MY GOD!
Riese: This is really weird

+

Someone discovered Garage Band and found the “cheap porn” track!
+
Laneia: omg the editing.
Riese: omg the music.
Laneia: I just screamed. And covered my eyes.
Riese: I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I’d prefer EZ Girl?
+

+

Here’s the real question of the day: why did we spend six years of L Word-watching feeling like Beavis and Butt-Head chanting DO IT DO IT DO IT ’cause we wanted everyone to disrobe and fuck….

… but now that it’s happening in The Real L Word, with actual people instead of actors, we aren’t like DO IT! We’re like, you know, THIS:

Which is actually how we feel watching anyone have sex on a reality show — gay, straight, or not. Like we’re invading? Also actors get paid more to disrobe. Reality stars don’t.

+

I’m Gonna Take Out my Tampon And Start Splashing Around

+

I think it’s gonna be a long long time…

+++++

The next night they all go out to dinner and the girls have that conversation about how they had crushes on their best friends when they were little girls. You know the one.

Whitney: “I would convince my girlfriends that we were practicing for boys, that was my excuse.”

Sara’s ready to one-up it with Sweet Fables of Pre-Pubescent Oral Sex Parties, which is gonna go over real well for our Image:

+

Like this!

Then You Just Rub Your Nose in It Like a Bunny

This classic tale ends with a tinge of sadness, as Sara recounts how “Pamela” had three pubic hairs and therefore nobody wanted to go down on her and Pamela hid in the closet crying. Hahahaha!

Then one day, Pamela grew up, changed her name to Ilene Chaiken, and has been punishing the lesbians of America ever since. Or mysterious “Pamela” is watching this right now having PTSD. Sara’s a bully and I hate her.

Can girls fuck like boys do without feelings? Someone asks. Sara sure can! Despite her ability to be “intense and passionate” in the moment, she doesn’t get attached. Neither does Whitney. But regardless, Whitney prefers to be the one in control and if they’re both unattached, then nobody’s attached, and then IT’LL BE ANARCHY!

Riese: I feel like Whitney got her early-girl-kissing story from a magazine.
Laneia: Having sex like a man means that you don’t have a connection?
Riese: Right-o. Men and women, Venus, Mars. So different.

Whitney: “I can relate to [Sara’s ability to not get attached]. I’ve done similar things in the past. But I would hope that it wouldn’t happen to me.”

Look, It’s Your Hair, Okay? It’s Your Hair.

Whitney and Sara later hash this out mano-a-mano. Sara’s not in a rush. Whitney says that she has had other girls she’s hooked up with, but she’s feeling Sara the most.

Whitney: “Sara is the Queen of Mixed Messages.”

I guess that makes Whitney the King of Mixed Messages. And if she’s the king, she needs a crown, amirite?

Sir Mixed-Messages-A-Lot

Laneia: WHITNEY STOP TOUCHING YOUR HAIR STOP IT
Riese: Whitney, seriously? A therapist could crack this sitch open like an egg!
Laneia: Here’s how you DON’T tell someone that you have feelings for them: “I’ve slept with other girls, yeah, but–”
Riese: Basically she doesn’t feel safe unless the girl is completely maniacally obsessed with her? I used to do that. You should never do that. You can’t ever really be obsessed with a person anyhow.

Whitney: “I’ve let people in and trusted them only when I knew they felt more for me than I do them. You know, I don’t wanna get hurt. When you finally put yourself out there, you’re left hanging…” [THINKS!!].. And as I’m finally saying this, I’m realizing that I probably do this to girls myself.”

Self-awareness!

+++

Let’s celebrate with GIANT GOBLETS OF POTION:

These Goblets Are Also Fit for a King

But what will happen when Sara and the girls/bois move to L.A.? Well, says Sara, there’s this girl Victoria who needs a place? Whitney starts laughing, and Scarlett looks cute in her hoodie:

Whitney: “Sara’s dead serious, she would absolutely live with Tor. Sara has no idea that Tor and I have hooked up in the past. But you know what fuck it! Why doesn’t Sara, Romi and Tor just get a house together! They’re all makeup artists and hairdressers, they’d probably have a lot in common!”

Haha that would be funny! Anyhow, have you noticed that “makeup artist/hairdresser” is to The Real L Word as “dancer/model” and “waitress” was to A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila?

Whitney says it’s been a successful trip. She fucked a girl in the shower, saw girls dance in cages, saw ALL THE FRIENDS, made a lot of toasts… Did she get her period though? Maybe we’ll find out next week.

+

Next: It’s time for Tracy’s photoshoot and Jill & Nikki’s kitchen table!

Real L Word #104 Recap: Gambling with Love & Lesbian Sex

How do lesbians have sex? Do you know? Like what lesbian sex is? Anyone? Can lesbians even have sex? I’m so confused. I’m also wondering if they should really get married. What’s a legally binding contract matter when you’ve got the prospect of pimpy pool tables and fancy dresses?  Lesbians. Such odd yet beautiful creatures!

Anyhow, recently, my frienemies told me about this RAD new show called The Real L Word. Although I was pretty sure I’d already seen it and hated it, I agreed to give it another shot. After all, I needed to answer the burning questions that keep me up all night — it’s like I have a mission, you know?  Like a higher purpose?  Like I’m guided by some lesbian superpower? I think this higher calling probably could possibly be THE POWER OF THE MOTHERFUCKING CLAM, as we demonstrate in this photograph from Pride:

Anyhow, in search of entertainment, lesbian action & something to get upset about; Laneia, Alex and I sat our asses down in front of the teevee for The Real L Word and what did we see? Mikey’s weirdo head staring back at me!

Mikey: “There’s a huge difference between having sex with a man and having sex with a woman. One kind I like, and one kind I don’t.”

+

Yes, today’s hot topic was “What is Lebsian Sex?” This is a v.important issue, so let’s dig right in and get all those parts out of the way right now. Like foreplay!

+

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS LESBIAN SEX?

Nikki: We’re not one hit wonders. I mean we could go and go.*

*I have no idea what this means. Multiple orgasms? Multiple positions? Kama Sutra? More than one dance track exploding all over the Billboard charts? Is that what the descending fluorescent disco balls are there for?

+

Tracy: “Lesbian sex is when two vaginas rub together and they don’t catch on fire.”

+

Via Lesbian Sex Positions for Dummies:

+

Whitney: “Lesbian sex is anything you want it to be, that’s why it’s so amazing.”

+

Mikey: “When two chicks go down on each other, that’s not sex. Banging a girl with your foot/toe is also not sex.”

+

Mikey’s Assistant Shanna: “If you had a strap-on and fucked a girl, that would be sex.”

+

Mikey: “If you have an orgasm or if you’re being penetrated, that’s sex.”

+

Raquel: “Fingerbanging does not count as sex, but other kinds of penetration are sex.”

+

Whitney: “Oral sex exchange” is not “full sex.”

+

Another delightful definition comes courtesy of Stamie’s business partner. It happens. One minute you’re talking about the arrangement of furniture in a potential sale property and the next minute you’re asking Stamie & Tracy for their definition of lesbian sex.

Josh: “In the straight world, ‘slept together’ means sexual intercourse. Penetration, is what I mean.”

+

Stamie: “It’s just cuddling. Or sometimes I put her boobs in my face.”

+

Jill’s getting handsy:

Jill: “There’s plenty of ways to do it. We have hands, we have mouths…”

+

Shane: “Are you fucking kidding me, [lesbians fucking] is entirely possible! Where do you live, Mark? It’s entirely possible. Is this a joke?”

+

Alex: Let’s just keep talking about how we’re SO DIFFERENT from everybody else.
Riese: Exciting, Alex, the word is “exciting.”

+

Rose takes the question very seriously, explaining that “sensuality” is what connects women and makes lesbian sex so amazing. She elaborates: “It’s more than you just sticking your dick in her pussy.” And just like that, our collective “pussies” close up and die, never to be seen or entered by another hand, mouth, strap-on, or Mikey Lesbian again.

+

Unfortunately, the “scenes from last week” bit was extra long this week. We had to live through it all over again…

Riese: OMG PTSD!
Laneia: DIE! DEATH! DIE!
Riese: <—-dead
Laneia: ^ this

+

After the episode we asked you to tweet your feelings about the show to us, and we’ll post those responses throughout the recap. Let’s start here:

Oh Kstellar56. We can do much better than that. In fact, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to create a Lesbian Sex Flowchart which is so amazing, you’ll have to turn the page afterwards, because the rest of the recap is not worthy of this flowchart and cannot share its stage [thank you to my fine collaborators, Taylor and Alex Vega]:

click to expand

Real L Word 103 Bonus: The S*!@ You Didn’t See (or Know)

Show of hands, how many of us are still watching this weekly? Just curious. For those who don’t get Showtime (or too lazy to search YouTube) you’re in luck cause we now have a Valentine’s Day Massacre episode video recap:

.

Still with me? Okay. We also have some lost footage from our favorite spin-off, Tracy & Stamie Plus 8. In this episode, Tracy & Stamie take the kiddies to Trainland! It’s not called Trainland but that’s what it reminds me of from my childhood.

.

[in the midst of kids hell]
Stamie: I miss you.
Tracy: I miss you too.
Stamie: Wanna make out later?

Stamie: I think we should have your 30th at Chuck E Cheese to celebrate how the rest of your life’s gonna be.

Guess what else is happening in this clip? Stamie is STILL WEARING that same fucking black shirt with the wings seen in every single episode so far. Which clearly means all Tracy/Stamie/kids footage is from the same day, which actually makes me feel A LOT better about their lives. Cause that shit was bananas, with the kids screaming/crying/cock-blocking every ep.

In fact Showtime has been remarkably lax with letting its talent blog on the Showtime website about the magic of editing (thanks to reader Lucy for pointing out Mikey’s latest blog!):

Mikey on Episode 103: So, this episode was very interesting, as the only thing accurate about this episode in regards to me, is the fact that I did play tennis with my friend Lisa in the morning on Valentines Day. Raquel did indeed have to work, as did I, however, we did end up spending the night together after we were both done with work. My aunt’s day of beauty and meeting Whitney at the Abbey happened two weeks prior to Valentines Day. Also, when I go to bed alone, that’s another completely different day than Valentines Day and my aunt’s beauty day. This, my friends, is the magic of TV!

[Meanwhile Whitney seems content to go with the flow, claiming what was shown as happening on Valentine’s Day was indeed Valentine’s Day]

Tracy on Episode 103: Contrary to popular belief, I do venture outside of Stamie’s house! I mean, I know I’m transitioning and all, but I’m not a hermit.  Once again, the magic of editing!…  Take [moving, puppy-sitting and kid-having] – add seven crewmembers, sick kids, and a boom mic that looks like a puppy play toy – shake it up – and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.  You too would look like a deer in headlights!!  What you don’t see in this clip is that Leo managed to escape the chaos, only to be found running down the center yellow lines of Ventura Blvd!  His momentary sense of FREEEEEDDOOOOOOMMMM!!!

Tracy on Episode 101: When I first met [Whitney] at Crown Bar she was followed by a camera crew and a small posse of women, all vying for her attention.  Since I knew we were both on the show and would eventually meet during our 10 week shoot, I took the cue to go up and introduce myself early.  Ahhh the magic of editing!!! What you don’t see on camera is that I was there with my girlfriend, sisters, and some friends.  I also met Rose and Natalie that night. I won’t bore you with the details since you’ve seen most of it play out, but I got the idea early that I was on Whitney’s radar.  We made plans to grab a coffee (as castmates, not a date), but with the craziness of production and life, we didn’t reconnect for a few weeks.

Nikki on Episode 102: This of course leads me to Derek’s visit and it being placed in the same episode as our sexual fluidity meeting.  Ah the convenient power of editing!… Derek and Jill have always had a very special friendship… [and never dated] … I am not threatened by this relationship in the least.  I love and adore Derek and I and love and adore Jill and trust her feelings for me.  Her “fluidity” doesn’t make her more likely to search out other partners, male or female… Jill being affectionate to Derek as I stood across the street was taken out of context. Prior to me crossing, I had just had a business call and the camera caught my reaction to my frustration.  Jill had just gotten out of the driver’s seat from the airport and was greeting Derek for the first time.  If I saw my best friend for the first time in 6 months I would have been just as affectionate. Don’t misconstrue affection for chemistry.  They are not one and the same.

Jill on Episode 102:  That being explained, tonight’s episode was a bit disturbing to me because it strongly “suggested” that my fluid orientation is threatening to Nik — that because I don’t identify as a definitive lesbian, that somehow I’ll have a wandering eye. I’m actually not sure if I find the insinuation offensive or simply silly. The reality is, I am in love. I am fulfilled. I am happy. Sure I have a past, everyone does. But I found my future in her.

So there you go: it’s all the magic of editing, and Showtime doesn’t seem to be censoring its stars (at least on its website). Reading all of their blogs — even the go-with-the-flow complacency in Whitney and Rose’s accounts — you see that the stories these women are telling are far more complicated and multi-dimensional than what’s on screen. But we know how Ilene feels about making people three-dimensional! After all, we’ll always be here to fill in the blanks for anyone searching for something a little extra — and, in fact, The L Word (OG) earned its second-season pickup early from Showtime because the online interest from lesbians garnered record-breaking stats for sho.com, including a 26% increase in “Buzz Log Traffic” and L Word clips made up the top 10 video clips streaming on the site. Oh, it’s all so meta, isn’t it?

Real L Word 103: A Long Episode’s Journey Into Valentine’s Day or “Bromance”

“I can’t believe what just happened — on AT LEAST a thousand teevees across America.”
-Laneia

This week’s episode of The Real L Word was about Valentine’s Day. Its running time slightly exceeded that of Valentine’s Day itself, the actual day. This episode was called “Bromance,” and it aired on the 4th of July, which is also a holiday, but differs in that it celebrates breaking up, not being in love. Unfortunately, given the choice, I’d prefer participating in the Revolutionary War to more of this show.

At the episode’s beginning, the girls agree that lesbians are better at Valentine’s Day than straight people (except Mikey, who surprisingly wins us over with the answer that she’s doing “fucking nothing, it was a ridiculous holiday invented by greeting card companies to make more money”) and then proceed to prove otherwise for the next 50 minutes/years.

The level of creative/generous editing employed on The Real L Word is so high that we’ve completely divorced our opinions of the women as they’re portrayed on this show from our opinions of who these women actually are. When every other sentence sounds chopped together from five different interviews, you realize it’s not impossible that everyone is just being edited into playing a character. I hope that’s clear. I mean I hope you know we aren’t talking about the humans, but the roles they’re being edited to play via This F*cking Show.

In preparation for Valentine’s Day in the The Real L Word’s Episode 103 ‘Bromance,’ we are subjected to the following fascinating scenes:

+ Jill going shopping for video cameras
+ Nikki waiting for her Mom to finish work so they can talk about wedding planning
+ Tracy listing the chores she accomplished that day to Stamie
+ Mikey saying “Raquel doesn’t make time for me” over and over on top of footage of Mikey hitting tennis balls
+ Rose calling to confirm an online reservation at a restaurant
+ Whitney listening to a straight male co-worker speak on the Blackberry even though we can’t hear it
+ Tracy & Stamie trying to put the kids to bed when the kids don’t want to go to bed (an experience which, while you’re having it, you wish would be over immediately).
+ Whitney watching videos on YouTube
+ Jill & Nikki, the happy couple, reading Valentine’s Day cards out loud to each other

That’s not all.

+

Terrible embarrassing things happened, too. Like Mikey asking Romi, who it’s possible she’s just met at the hair salon she’s taken her aunt to, if the girl Romi likes is cuter than Mikey and Romi laughing nervously and dancing politely around the question.

At Rose & Natalie’s Valentine’s Day Dinner, Nat’s gift of a “sexy” photo shoot inspires Rose to “accept [Natalie’s] breast reduction,” and we witness both women emphasizing the importance of this moment to their relationship. Let me repeat that: Rose & Natalie consider the following moment important – when photos of Natalie on top of a cotton ball cloud enable Rose to accept Natalie’s breast reduction surgery.

And then! And then! Whitney and Mikey fake-meet each other at a bar, and we don’t even care about the fake meeting because what happens next is so depressing and unfortunate that we can barely remember what our lives were like before we saw it. After gushing over how much they like each other while we feel sorry for Romi, Whitney chides a very drunk Mikey into accepting a “femme makeover,” and then nothing is not weird and/or terrible.

This makeover, initiated to resolve Whitney’s confusion about the pumps/pants situation, involves Mikey undressing in a public bar down to her bra and referring to herself in third person, while a mysterious gay man applies her lip gloss. Then Mikey gets so drunk that she actually starts crying and makes some drunky comments about Valentine’s Day and Raquel standing her up, right in front of Whitney & Romi. We agreed that if Mikey was our friend and she called on Monday, we’d pretend we hadn’t seen the episode. Hey, we’ve been that girl. Perhaps as recently as last week for some of us. But we get to decide how we tell you about it, which makes us lucky or not, or possibly smarter or more dull, depending on what you want and what you’re like.

Basically, if everyone in the cast is cool with how the show is, then we are too. It’s their choice, and every minute of our own lives is likely just as dumb and boring and embarrassing — I mean seriously there are some Autostraddle moments far more disgusting and dumb than anything on that show tonight — but here I think I’m supposed to evaluate this program as entertainment or education or a bit of both, and I can’t. Nat Garcia’s video with Tracy was cute though, wasn’t it.

This week, my favorite scene was Whitney and her friends talking about the trainer who may or may not be gay and may or may not be fair play for Whitney. It felt real, it was funny, I liked it, I even liked Whitney.

My favorite scene is a Whitney scene.

Also, Whitney & Romi had sex, much of it on-camera. I don’t even know how to feel about it because I was already a shell of myself by that point. What did you think?

Near the episode’s end, Rose says Valentine’s Day was the highlight of her relationship with Natalie, and really, seriously, REALLY PAPI REALLY? As Laneia said while we watched the ending, pre-bedtime rituals footage:

“Oh my God I don’t want anyone to see this show ever ever again, I want to die, I just want to DIE. She’s gonna get rose petals up her ass, they’re so fucking corny that even their pajamas are matching! Ughghh!

New rule! You are not allowed to let a camera follow you around unless your life is fucking interesting and you don’t embarrass everyone with your shit!”

So we’re going to go finish editing this piece by Gabrielle Rivera for tomorrow. It’s an essay. She made this short film we both liked much better than this show (and as you can see, we are very cranky, bitter, miserable old hags who can barely stand to exist, let alone watch other people exist on the television, and therefore we hate everything and that hate is a reflection of our soul’s darkness and therefore us liking something is a Big Deal).

They all seem like nice girls on this show. I bet Rose is fun to party with, and it actually is good to have that person in your life who knows how to show people a good time. I somehow sense that Nikki & Jill are both great listeners. Nikki seems like a strong, ambitious businesswoman, and Jill seems like a loyal, kind friend. I bet Whitney flirts skillfully and convinces even the best of us at times and knows how to charm somebody’s pants off. I’m sure Mikey is funny, like Mikey Scott on The Office. And Stamie is funny, and Tracy radiates positive energy and smiles even when she says not-smiley things, which makes everything seem smiley. They’re all really lovely people. I’m not sure why we must mangle them so and then call that “entertainment.” Visibility, I guess? “Visibility.” Being seen, it seems, should be enough, in and of itself. Well, it isn’t.

Real L Word Recap Episode 102: Making Something Out of Nothing

What’s up bitches, Sarah, Laneia and I watched this show and we didn’t like it. Let’s begin.

Today we’re starting in the middle, because I gots to cleanse myself of this nonsense before I can move forward. About midway through the episode is one of the most poorly-edited scenes in the history of television, second only to my ninth grade Film/TV Production classmate’s self-edited VHS production of Sublime’s “Santeria,” starring himself skateboarding in the park and lip-syncing on the monkey bars with the “solarize” effect applied haphazardly throughout.

Unfortunately there’s no music in this scene, which involves Nikki and Jill picking up Jill’s friend from the airport and Jill talking about being happy to see him. Maybe the on-air version was better than the screener DVD, but holy crap what a shitmess of a scene.

We weren’t surprised to read that Nikki & Jill contest the scene’s version of events, or that Jill seems a bit put off by the interviewer’s leading questions in her extended interview, or that in this extended scene you can see Nikki’s “irritating looks in the backseat” which were probs more about Jill’s sense of direction than the possibility of her suddenly undressing and boning D-Money, forever losing the rock that she’s got deep in the recesses of his cold male heart.

Jill says things like “there’s definitely feelings for him” and Nikki says “at first our relationship was difficult for him,” but who is “him”? Is it Derek? I mean, we’re supposed to think so, but the audio mixing is so bad that most of these sentences seem to pull words from several different sources.

Why do we see footage from three different Nikki interviews? During the entire scene, the only time we actually see someone speak the words we hear is when Derek comments on Jill’s ring and Nikki responds, “I take care of my bitch.”

I’d go on, but whatever.

+

Perhaps that’s ultimately what’s so strange about the program: the lack of premise has required editors to add drama where there is none. It’s almost like The Real L Word itself is jumping the shark for reality-based television in general — and because lesbians are such a notoriously outraged bunch, I can’t imagine this thing disappearing quietly, The Littlest Bachelor-style. It’s premium cable and not network, so the show can’t get canceled.

Conflicts thus far? Zip. Zero. Well, there’s Whitney kissing three indiscernible versions of the same human and Rose and Natalie fighting about commitment and partying, but everyone else seems fairly content — good jobs, no yearning for more in life, good relationships, good looks, etc. Y’all made some acute points in the comments on my first Real L Word recap:

Bizzle: I’m hoping in the next few episodes they’ll reveal that they know each other. I mean, they couldn’t find a group of queer people who are friends in LA?!

Sally: … despite all the things I expected it to be, it managed to be something entirely unanticipated: dull… I think the problem is that it’s completely lacking any humour. Even the unintentional stuff just caused guffaws of embarrassment rather than belly laughs. Chaiken and co must have been so focused on casting the Shane and the Papi that they forgot about the Alice.

Shaqueera: The poorly-lit hookup and the obligatory romantic sunrise shots accompanied by “[awkward orgasm noise] I’m gonna come. You’re so good at this”… was whack.

Robin: Why not have some actual single ladies on the show? Nothing against GOOD relationships obvs, but srsly not one of these ladies is actually single and therefore I’m so bored watching them hit the town.

Leave it to Ilene Chaiken to find a way to make something as terrible as it could possibly be. She should run for president – we could bathe our children in oil spill and anthrax.

Anyhow you bastards, I said I wasn’t going to recap this episode unless I got $300 of Paypal donations, and well, you came through. We were holding steady at $295 until this morning when we crossed the threshold, so I’m doing it in gratitude!

Also, because of Nat!

Here’s a donate button p.s.:

+

This week’s riveting opener is “What kind of lesbian are you?” Because that is what we are: we are all types of lesbians. Whitney snags this opportunity to once again point out her hammer-holding abilities (The Indigo Girls can handle that and a nail, so really it ain’t no thang, Whit-Whit) and Mikey, eschewing constricting labels like “butch” and “futch” and “dutch,” says she’s a “Mikey lesbian.”

Jill points out, “I don’t think you’d ask a straight person what kind of straight person are they. You love who you love and can’t the conversation end there?”

Just Look at my Back, Okay? Just Look at my Fucking Back!!!

+
Tracy gives a few WTF looks before offering up, “the kind that likes girls?”

+What the Hell Are You Talking About Now?

Riese: Thank you, Jill.
Laneia: Thank you, Tracy.

+

In the Hot Seat

We last left our Don Juan Whitney at the airport, where she dropped off one girl and picked up another. The new girl, Tor, looks identical to the last one. Whitney explains that Tor just got a job in LA and is gonna crash at Whitney’s ’til she “gets her bearings,” that Tor is Alyssa’s cousin, and — wait for it — Whitney and Tor have you know, “HOOKED UP.” In the “past.”

Laneia: Oh my god that is such a mistake!
Riese: Or a great set-up for a dramatic television series!

Oh, the past. You dirty wicked Whitney and your past; chock-full of skinny, tan, dark-haired girls with gigantic earrings and eager wet tongues.

Come On Let Us Futches Handle the Bags

Whitney continues, “We’re U-Hauling it and I haven’t even started dating her yet!” and then she explains what the U-Haul joke is, and this whole shenanegan causes us all to black out from slamming our foreheads into the wall, so we miss the rest of the scene. I’m not kidding, I can’t. I JUST CAN’T DO THIS.

+

Mikey tells us that she was born and raised in the projects and her best friend was shot and killed right next to her when she was 9, which is really fucking interesting.

About 100% more interesting than “Mikey trying to establish herself as the leader of the non-existent LA Fashion Week,” which is what we jump to next —

This is a Large Room. Write That Down.

Mikey is looking at… spaces. That’s right. Large, spacious rooms. Big rooms. Lots of space. Spacious rooms. Empty, empty, empty large rooms.

Project Runway

Riese: The runway is longer you guys, and you know what they say about a girl with a long runway!
Laneia: She takes more time walking down the runway?
Sarah: A longer scene?
Riese: Never mind.

+

And This is How You Make Bra out of Coconuts!

Back to the Tracy and Stamie Show! This week’s topic is “Dating a lady with kids is hard.” For example, Stamie’s son, Jagger, is “special needs.” Tracy explains: he has Williams Syndrome, a form of autism.

Riese: Everything is a form of autism these days.
Laneia: My ass is a form of autism.

The Kid Stays in the Picture, Wants the Cereal

This, again, is totally fascinating (our inappropriate jokes notwithstanding) but instead we return to the relationship’s alleged conflict. In addition to the daily stresses of feeding and bathing other humans, this week the kids are coughing a lot (Stamie tells Jagger “You need to quit smoking! No more cigarettes for you!”) but that’s okay, because Stamie is still funny:

Stamie: If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch would run her ass down Ventura Blvd and I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.

I dunno, these kids are super cute for real:

A special moment of tenderness by the indoor palms:

We Have Long Hair

Stamie thanks Tracy for all her help, and they share a super-cute moment on the couch that makes us all feel like our relationships totally suck and we probs need kids or a couch or something. Then Stamie tells Tracy she looks pretty and asks, “Did you shower today?” which is like, fucking perfect.

+

I Had a Similar Idea Called Sexual Fluids

Nikki and Jill are working on a TV project based on “Sexual Fluidity,” a book they optioned and also one Alex‘s Mom gave her to explain how she could maybe flow on back to men and still like ladies.

Sarah: Nikki always adds the h’s like Martha Stewart.
Laneia: She is always talking in her sexy voice.

Jill used the book as a tool to explain her fluiditity to her parents, thank the good lord, because her own explanation of her sexuality is sort of hard to follow — which is fine. Clearly she’s still figuring it out, but it’s not getting in the way of her relationship with Nikki.

Jill: “For me it’s still very much about the person versus the gender. And some might argue, ‘Isn’t that bisexuality?’ Bisexuality still positions you as liking men and liking women. I’m coming at it from a point of ‘I wanna like the person.”

Jill says they have to talk about bisexuality and get it out there because nobody talks about this. Actually they do, it’s just incredibly difficult to get funding for such projects so um, lest I journey further down the trail of bisexual publishing industry rage, I’d just like to briefly applaud Jill and Nikki’s project, because they’re working with one of the women who’s spent a great deal of time on this topic. I hope they do it well, unlike that time Ilene Chaiken had an idea to make a show about lesbians living their lives in West Hollywood. Or um, Lez Girls.

Nikki says Jill dated women before Nikki but is still a bit uncomfortable about the labels. Jill is 60% comfortable saying she’s openly gay, but 100% comfortable saying she is in love with a woman.

I’m 100% sure that the author of the book is adorbs / reminds me of Berkeley:

+

Real L Word Recap: Episode 101 – The Power of the Clam is Overrated

[Editor’s Note: I’ve been totally stalled on recapping this thing, because Dinah Shore only lasts for five days for a reason. Girl drama gets boring real fast, unless a writer writes it better than it is in real life — much like straight drama. At some point I could no longer take it. Yell at me, tell me I can’t spell, it’s okay, I want more than this MORE THAN THIS I want us all to have fun, I want life to be full of fun, and heart, and peace, and things that matter, and good education & free health insurance & a better economy and The Nicest Thing the Movie Dot Com and equal rights, and that’s what I want. I want love, a farm, and mountains. xoxo]

Anyhow, let’s begin! Have you ever felt any of the following feelings in the company of other females?

1. Electricity
2. Heat
3. Lightning through your body
4. Chemistry
5. A “rush”
6. A”click,” or a “click right away”
7. A visceral reaction
8. A lightbulb going off in your head

Then you may have a disease — it’s called Real Lesbians. Luckily, there’s a show for that, filled with other ladies who have those feelings, too! And LOVE talking about it! It’s called The Real L Word, and it premiered Sunday night at 10 P.M. on Showtime.

Back in the old days when I recapped The L Word for my blog and The L Word Online, I aimed to have my L Word recaps up immediately after the show’s end, otherwise known as “10 P.M.”

Unfortunately, this show has no premise, no rising action and no conflict and therefore… I really you know, have had a hard time. It’s a bunch of girls who like girls, mostly wearing the same color tank tops.

Also it gave me a lot of feelings about The Power of the Clam:

Basically this is the premise: Ilene Chaiken made a show, The L Word:

People complained “lesbian life isn’t really like that.” Now Ilene’s made a reality show to prove that yeah, it really is like that.

Unfortunately, a lot of the interesting people who were offered spots on The Real L Word said hell-to-the-NO. The girls on it seem like nice people, but it’s been edited into oblivion, and for me personally or anyone who’s spent any time in the “scene” depicted on this show, Karman Kregloe at AfterEllen had it dead on when she explained:

I suspect it’s all about perspective. As a Los Angeles resident who regularly spots neighbors/co-workers/acquaintances on reality shows (and wonders why they do it), I find the women and the “scene” to be familiar, even predictable.

Watching the show with friends, the most dramatic moments for them didn’t involve Whitney’s revolving bedroom door or Rose’s loutish treatment of her girlfriend. They were just worried that they might have inadvertently ended up in a background shot of a bar scene. (So far, two episodes in, they seemed to have eluded the cameras.) But if you don’t live in Los Angeles, and the “characters” aren’t a part of your everyday scenery, you might just find the show fascinating. Maybe not terribly “real,” but interesting nonetheless.

Ultimately the show lacks heart or a soul heavy/significant enough to move your own. I never watch this genre of TV so I’ve just been briefed on Laguna Beach: apparently the show’s driving force was that there were two girls who liked the same guy and viewers picked a side. We don’t even have THAT, yannow?

Can someone send these girls to an island, make them produce  dishes with one key ingredient or design clothes out of haystacks, or have them compete for the heart of the Bachelor or fight for the gauntlet or something? No? Just film their lives or whatever because they are lesbians? Okay.

LET’S ROLL!

So you should know the cast members are:
Rose — girlfriend Natalie
Mikey — girlfriend Raquel
Whitney — hoes in different area codes
Tracy — girlfriend Stamie (has three kids)
Jill & Nikki — girlfriends engaged.

I’m going to be share the opinions of our random friends who watched the show, and who you may or may not know or care about. It doesn’t really matter, they’re all SO FUNNY!

Executive Editor Laneia, Senior Writer Jess, DJ Carlytron, AS Photographer Robin,  Miss April Sarah C., Miss February Julia, me (Riese) our stylist Sara M and Suzanna (who’s from the internet). Design Director Alex was there, too, but she got bored and started working on golden retrievers dot com, I kid you not. Also Crystal was there for part of it but I think was just as bored as when I made her watch it the first time, and we both died a bit inside.

+

UPDATE: Showtime has uploaded the episode to YouTube,
so you can all play along at home!

The episode opens with some oddly edited, shoe-fetish-focused interviews about everybody’s first time with a lady. Carly says the interviews are out of focus, and Laneia thinks Mikey looks like Rod Stewart.

Part One: Meeting the Ladies

Once upon a time, there were six pretty ladies who’d never had sex with another lady. Then one day they had sex with another lady.

Rose can’t remember the girl’s name, but we do get some interesting family background here when she explains that during her first time she’d “never had a girl’s breast in her mouth or her face before,” which means clearly she was not breastfed. Regardless, now Rose would like to spend the rest of her life with other girl’s tits in her face and by golly SHE HAS. She is kicking Shane’s ASS on Our Chart. (RIP)

Jill said her first time was “almost a similar feeling to when she lost her virginity” (beat) “to a man.” Except without the bleeding and the sperm in her bellybutton, etc., I imagine. Nikki tackled someone like a tiger, which is the best mating strategy around.

Tracy did four shots at a lesbian bar with a girl she’d just met. That’s our kind of lady.

Yabba Dabba Doo You

And then we get to Whitney, who is the star of this episode. Whitney was 9, her lady-love was 11. Coincidentally, that’s also the number you call to report inappropriate sexual activity between minors ANYHOO, these precocious pre-teens decided to use whipped cream to be “romantic.” I can’t even make fun of this, because whipped cream was the primary tool used by me and my gay best friend when we decided to lose our virginities to each other just for funsies. I thought he might like girls better if they were covered in food, and I was more or less right.

However Whitney wasn’t so lucky. She had to resort to sour cream & fruity pebbles. Which is gross. Why not just gas your playdate with Lysol or something.

It’s Hammer Time

Oh hey the minute you walked in the door, BUM BUM, I could tell you were a real big douchebag, a real big Mikey duh duh duh duh here’s Mikey duh dum dum take your tie off hayyyyy:

Mikey: “All I know is I woke up one morning, and I was super fucking horny, and we started making out and before I knew it, I was giving her a fucking orgasm.”

And before I knew it, I was squirting a bucket of mayonnaise in your eyesocket, you self-obsessed weirdo. How did you end up on my teevee? Where’s Blue’s Clues?

Carly: “No one cares about coming out or first time stories. Why do they keep talking about this? Consensus: this is boring.”

The opening theme song is terrible, but not aggressively so. On a scale of one to ten, I’d give it a “slightly better than BETTY.” That being said, I miss Jenny’s boobs.

+

Part Two: Whitney the Womaneater

I Just Can Hop a Plane and Come and Visit You Again

This episode mainly focuses on Whitney and how she makes out with a lot of chicks.

Whitney: “I am currently single, there are a lot of girls who I take home, or that I am dating or seeing, and I feel like I just have too many things going on at once.”

For example, she’s presently heading to the airport to pick up another one of her “things” named Sara, along with their mutual friend Taylor. Whitney had a fling with Sara “in the past and potentially in present.” If you try to diagram Whitney’s sentences, you’ll end up with pencils in your eyesockets, so just roll with it.

This is Sara. She’ll look like everyone else in about twenty minutes, but it might not actually matter, because of this power – this all-powerful power. This power of the clam (more on this later):

+

Like Duck Duck Goose But With More Vadge

At Alcove, Whitney & her San Francisco friends and LA Transplants discuss pressing topics, such as: the difference between girls in San Francisco & Los Angeles. The word “futch” is used here without irony or any props given to the fine founder of this bizarre linguistic mishap, our friend Dani Campbell.

Think life in the City of Angels is all vagina and fruity pebbles/sour cream? You’re wrong. There’s a serious epidemic happening. It’s like anthrax kinda:

“Femmes who think they’re butch because they’re girls with short haircuts.”

Posers. Wanting to be a part of a kickass but totally misunderstood segment of the lesbian mini-minority. God, next thing you know they’re going to be appropriating Native American culture!

Sorry Your Earrings Called But You Didn’t Hear Them Because of your Earrings

Sara and Whitney go to have a cigarette, and music starts playing like she’s about to say something interesting, like “When I met Sara, I had just moved to LA to be a writer while living with my swim coach boyfriend Tim, then I met this ambiguously foreign and literate woman at a lesbian hangout called The Planet, and then then Bette & Tina had a party to find a sperm donor?…and then I was going to the bathroom, and she came in there with me, and I felt so scared” etc etc.

But instead it’s all about abstract “chemistry” and something with ex-girlfriends. Also Whitney is “amazing,” their connection is “different,” it “feels good to see each other.” Also: they’re ‘similar creatures.’ Outside, they share cigs & hugs and Whitney confides:

Whitney: “I can’t tell if I want to shake her, make out with her, or just fuck her.”

Shake her! Shake her! That would be funny right? Like Shaken Baby Syndrome? Oh, dead babies. Hahahaha.

+

We Got That B-Roll

Riese: Can we talk about the b-roll.
Carly: Oh Yes! The EDGY LA B-ROLL. South of Nowhere called, they want their b-roll back
Riese: Beverly Hills 90210 is on the other line

+

Part Three: Meet Jill & Nikki

Matchy-Matchy

Nikki & Jill have been together for over a year, and they love each other so much that they sometimes accidentally wear the same shade of lavender.

Nikki: “I’m really the straightest gay person you’ll ever meet.”

I don’t know what that means, but I think I hate it.

Over invisible food, the dynamic duo discusses rubbing each other’s feet, making the bed, and touching each other how they like to be touched. I assume the server must have dropped by and asked, “Anyone want some wine? What sort of generic, cotton-commercial-style match.com-esque activities do the two of you do at home alone? I’ll be right back to take your order.”

With a wedding coming up soon, they’ve only got like nine months left to sit on the couch with their laptops and look at photographs of themselves.

Seriously Pedicuring is a Good Skill in a Lady

Nikki gives Jill a pedicure while chanting, “this little piggy went to Gucci, and this little piggy went to H&M because you gotta keep it real.” H&M = keepsin’ it real.

Laneia: “In my world, it’s like, “This little piggy goes to target.”
Riese: “And this little piggy also went to Target.”
Laneia: “And this little piggy stayed home and cried because it didn’t have any money.”

Nikki & Jill knew each other from summer camp (when Nikki dated Jill’s brother) ages ago, and now they are back together, through the power of the internet and specifically their camp website.

Laneia: They reconnected like THIS (does scissoring gesture).
Riese: Scissoring, it’s always scissoring.
Laneia: UGH Why are they wearing belts on the couch?
Riese: She’s probably gonna ask her if dhr’d ever been toed.
Julia: They’re gonna fuck with their feet!
Riese: I love asking people if they’ve ever been toed.
Julia: Riese asks me this all the time, SERIOUSLY.

Planing their not-wedding is gonna stress them out! Nikki says, “I know people that are gay in Los Angeles, but as far as the scene, it’s not who I am.” I agree, Nikki. Fist bump. Speaking of who I am Not, let’s go meet Mikey!

+

Part Four: Meet Mikey

+

Maybe ‘Cause You Act Like A DICK ALL THE TIME

“I am gay man trapped in a lesbian’s body,” Mikey begins, before sharing her job (producer of events like LA Fashion Week) and introducing her girlfriend (Raquel, who Mikey calls “plus-sized,” to which one of Mikey’s gays responds that “gay fat is the straight skinny.”)

Insight:

Mikey: “Most of us think I’m this tough butch girl b/c I have these tattoos but mostly I’m just a softie on the inside… but I’ll still fuck you up if you cross me.”

Everyone on this show has tattoos, silly rabbit, that doesn’t make you a tough butch. We get some history: Raquel & Mikey have been together for seven months, though oddly their peers are just now asking for the story of how they met — omg guess what? Mikey thought Raquel was a TRANNY! Hahaha! And then Mikey choked her or something. Now their relationship has grown, as they’ve moved past these stereotypes and onto new ones.

+

Part Five: Meet Tracy

Tracy is Wearing a Bathing Suit Recommended by our Swimsuit Post

Oh, Tracy. Tracy Tracy Tracy. Tracy’s a development executive at a production company for films & teevee, and also, semi-by-default, we have decided that Tracy can do no wrong. In fact (as we’re about to learn), her girlfriend’s family is the most interesting part of this episode.

Tracy: “I am 29, and I think I’m a late bloomer in a lot of ways. I first realized that I might like women 5 years ago when I went to Magic Mountain with a friend who worked with me. We were being sort of pulled through the lines, and she grabbed my arm, and it was like electricity that just sort of ran through my body, like this lightbulb that went off in my head and I was like, OMG, I don’t want her to be my best friend, I really am attracted to her.”

Haha, Magic Mountain!?

Tracy’s friend Kathleen has offered to sit next to Tracy on the boardwalk and smile and nod while Tracy provides her expository backstory for the camera.

Call it Off, Break Your Own Contract

Her friend is modeling through it as Tracy discusses how much she misses surfing.

Then we cut to Tracy’s home to learn about her family life.

The Good News is that Tracy Often Walks Around In her Underwear

Tracy’s mom & dad just got divorced and live in Jersey. You probs missed that part ’cause Tracy was walking around in her underwear when she told you that.

Tracy’s Mom isn’t a “fan”of Tracy’s sexuality, but Tracy feels ready to have an “adult conversation” about the issue. Perhaps that will be when heart & soul make their guest appearance on the show.

+

Part Six: Rose & Whitney Go Out, Have Drama

The Rose of my Heart’s Desire is Not Rose

Rose opens with, “This is how you roll, bitches!” followed up with an interview where she claims that “for every girl that says no, there are ten that are gonna say yes.” It’s a little rapey, and also quite loud.

Rose repeats Whitney’s assertion that L.A. has the prettiest girls:

Rose: “There’s a top 1% in the lesbian world. People who dress good, who look good, who can show you a good time. If you have that then you’re on top of your game. It’s done.”

Riese: “I would think the top 1% would be like, the mayor of houston, Rachel Maddow, Sarah Waters, Tegan & Sara, um, the girl in charge of GetEqual…”

Rose came out at 19 or 20 (she can’t remember, just like she can’t remember the name of the body housing her mouth’s first breast), and then this “monster” (her personality) sprung right out! Now they’ve let the monster loose on Truck Stop, which you may recognize from your actual life or Gimme Sugar or lesbian folklore.

OMG IT’S A REAL LIVE POWERCLAM

Actually for real, we always thought the girls who stood at the front of the bar at Truck Stop, screaming and putting dollar bills in the dancers’ underpants, were tourists. You learn something new every day. Today we learned that we are snobs and those girls are Rose.

Carly: “This show is just ‘let’s go someplace and wear tank tops!”

Whitney and her friends, who are apparently also in Rose’s top 1%, plan to show their San Fran pals a good time that doesn’t involve veganism or political activism: The Betty!

It’s Like Coyote Ugly, Except Embarrassing

Whitney is impressed when Sara takes off her shoes and starts dancing barefoot on the bar, getting all kinds of athlete’s foot. Whitney says Sara looks “real good up there.” Our reaction was more, “someone get Sara off the bar and into a cab pronto” but then HARK! A lesbian at a lesbian bar spots another lesbian she once made out with! THIS SPELLS TROUBLE. This NEVER happens! The lesbian world is SO GIGANTIC that you can pretty much guarantee: make out ONCE and then NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

Lesbian Squabble #1: I Like You But I Like a Lot of People
In the Ring: Romy vs. Whitney
How it Goes Down: Whitney leaves Sara to “go take care of this” super-important situation with Romy. Most of this is recapped by Whit herself, as it likely didn’t happen so dramatically in real life. Romy keeps saying, “it’s fine,” but Whitney keeps pushing it and saying, “no it’s not fine,” because obviously she’s 1) a manipulative asshole or 2) they’re trying to create drama.
Who Wins? Unfortunately I gotta give it to Whitney. Romy is crying outside of a bar, and the girl crying outside of the bar always loses.

However, damn, I feel like Romi is READING MY MIND:

Scarlett, also, a woman after my own heart:

After this, I take a mini-nap and wake up to hear Rose screaming some nonsense about a diaper. Or rather not Rose, but a friend of Rose’s, who we’re pretty sure is Justin Beiber.

Lesbian Squabble #2: Lezbros Before Hos
In the Ring: Rose vs. Justin Bieber
How it Goes Down: Rose has to go home because she can’t stay out all night, munching vadge, when she’s got a vadge at home that’s neatly packaged in cute pink shorts. Justin, who’s only 15 and therefore knows nothing of the adult life of going out, thinks she should stay out all night. Justin asks if Natalie will be doing Rose’s diaper. That’s private, Justin. Good grief.
Who Wins? Natalie?

These Earrings Used to be Bracelets But I’m Secretly Really Crafty

Hay, Natalie’s earrings get screen time! Rose and Natalie have been together for about seven months. Natalie loves Rose. I want to fist Natalie’s earrings so bad, I can hardly stand it. I haven’t felt this way since the last time I saw Papi.

Rose comes home to her lady-love and their depressed dog.

This Dog Misses Girls Girls Girls

Rose’s voiceover announces that, since meeting Natalie and buying matching hats, she’s been behaving and avoiding the firecrackers that burn in her loins for other women, thank G-d.

+

Part Seven: Whitney’s Got 99 Problems and a Bitch is Pretty Much All of Them

Give Up, And Admit You’re An Asshole

Back in Whitney’s Casa of Ill Repute, Scarlett & Whitney review “bad” text messages they’ve each received from Romy. Howevs, Whitney’s been texting Romy all night to apologize for the awkward situation, which seems like “mixed signals” to me. Ignore her, Whit-whit, then she’ll know you’re an asshole and move on.

Then Whitney calls Romy so that Romy can read her Lacey’s lines to Shane from the first episode of The L Word. In return, Whitney gets inexplicably emotional, saying that “she hates this” and then offering:

Whitney: “You deserve to be treated amazing, and you’re an amazing person, and I know that we’re gonna be great friends or whatever.”

Whitney explains her player style to the camera:

Whitney: “I don’t want anyone to get hurt, I really don’t. And I just wanna keep communication as open as possible.”

So girls, if Whitney has hurt you, feel free to communicate with her about it.

Alligator Tears Cried Over You

Whitney wants to know why Romy “walked away from her like that.” I think it was the cameras?

Real L Word Premieres Sunday, Hated It

The Real L Word premieres this Sunday on Showtime and all you motherf*ckers better watch it because we cannot witness this monumental occasion alone, and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to recap it, like when you’re 12 and suddenly your Mom is like, “hey you’ve got a year to learn Hebrew, memorize a Torah portion, write a speech about it in preparation for an upcoming Saturday morning in September where you’ll have to stand on stage in a dress and chant like a crazy person” and if you don’t do it, G-d will hate you forevs. You know?

Hey but first wanna hear the best news you’ve ever heard about The Real L Word?!!

Autostraddle’s very own Nat Garcia of Autonatic will be interviewing new Real World cast members every week after the episode airs, right on Sho.com. On the 20th Nat will be interviewing Whitney.

Will Nat appear elsewhere in the universe of The Real L Word? You’ll have to wait and see. Obviously she is a shining star of lightbeam in any sunburst, raincloud, or otherwise-identified multi-gendered weather situation.

Tracy Ryerson & Nat Garcia

So there’s one of a few reasons to watch. And furthermore, y’all must watch it to ensure Showtime continues providing us with the steady flow of DVD screeners required to recap this program in a timely and potentially thought-provoking manner.

Get your clits out, girls, and please do take several drinks — ’cause I might be bad at recapping this!

Let’s talk about different kinds of television.

See, The L Word OG was an hour-long serial ensemble drama. That’s my favorite genre of television! Other favorite shows of mine include Queer as Folk, Dawson’s Creek, Skins, Party of Five, The O.C., The West Wing, Beverly Hills 90210, My So-Called Life and Six Feet Under. The genre’s dedicated to character development. Each human being is given a chance to evolve, complicate and grow up along with the audience. I felt qualified to assess a series’ potential for excellence and recapped with confidence.

However, The Real L Word is a docusoap reality show, my least favorite style of television ever. As my (joking) title implies, I don’t need to wait for the premiere to hate it. I already hate it. (Update: I’ve now watched the pilot. I stand by my prediction.) Aside from the first ten or so years of MTV’s The Real World, Intervention, Hey Paula, and about four episodes of The Simple Life‘s first season, I’ve mostly stayed away from reality TV and definitely from any docu-soaps. I’ve never visited The Hills, The City, The Laguna Beach, The Jersey Shore, or the Real Housewives of any city, nor have I kept up with the Kardashians, Lived Lohan, Swapped Wives, or Inked Miami. Furthermore I’ve not Survived, Raced Amazingly, required Charm School or Tool Academy. And as far as love goes, I’ve never wanted a Rock or Flavor of Love, a Shot at Love, or the Love of Ray J. Howevs, I read a lot online and edit other TV writers and therefore am peripherally aware of these shows’ continued existences.

+

Once upon a time while recapping Two & a Half Men (I don’t know, I was feeling reckless) I made a graphic for you to illustrate my feelings about television:

+

I’m not judging those who do enjoy such programs, but I’m just warning you that I am one of those people who just doesn’t get it. I flee the room when Millionaire Matchmaker is being watched. I know many find these programs to be guilty pleasures but I’ve never found pleasure there, let alone guilt.

I need a heart to grab onto when I engage in a story: I require something fleshy and honest and sincere in there to focus on and feel for. Actors are better at honesty than reality TV “personalities” because being honest in “real life” while being filmed is literally impossible; the presence of the camera inevitably taints your behavior and that of those around you, particularly when the activities being filmed are supposed to be things you do every day regardless of the camera’s presence.

But in scripted television, actors can rely on writers to do the truth-telling. It’s an arrangement which’s worked well for centuries. Then the actors learn the lines and say them right and ta-da! We have excellent, honest television like The Office and Glee where even if the plot is heightened/”unreal,” the emotions are genuine.

Every now and then, an actual human creature lands themselves on a Reality TV Show but is not really a Reality TV person (often they landed there on a “dare”), good examples include the people we often discuss here: Adam Lambert (American Idol), Dani Campbell (A Shot at Love), Kim Stolz (America’s Next Top Model), Kelly Clarkson (American Idol),  Ashley Merriman (Top Chef), half of the casts of the first several seasons of The Real World (excluding Miami)  — people you’d just as easily be friends with as you’d want to observe on a TV set. Those “characters” have the power to make or break a show.

Perhaps I’m kidding myself to insist there’s something sociologically fascinating about how drug addictions evolve and how families struggle to enable/detach and how Allison inhales so much computer duster she thinks she’s walking on sunshine while simultaneously insisting that Lauren Conrad has not and never will speak a word I want to hear.

But drama for the sake of it — particularly when staged by real people instead of by actors — just really bores the fuck out of me.

In other words, I’m destined to hate this, just like I hated Gimme Sugar (with all due respect to Charlene, who is a lovely girl)! I mean, this show is basically Gimme Sugar: Five Years Later.

BUT I’m hoping that a little heart-shaped feeling will pop up in future episodes. I think it will. I have some specific hopes. I can see places where a heart-shaped feeling might grow.

My second concern w/r/t recapping is that I feel weird that the cast of The Real L Word are actual human beings. Luckily, I’m pretty confident they’ve been made into ‘characters’ to a degree where I can’t possibly be criticizing anyone besides my nemesis Ilene Chaiken. I was put on this earth to criticize Ilene, so this is perfect. It’s still her story after all yeah?

You’ll have to tune in for our full recap on Sunday after the 10 PM premiere on Showtime. In the meantime, there’s plenty of advance word to increase the “guilt” of the guilty pleasure you’ll be enjoying.

+

1. New ‘Real L Word’ Clips

+

Preview Clip One: Whitney Cannot Multitask Ladies

In Showtime’s first offering, Whitney learns that “multi-tasking is bad for you.” If you’re interested in why multi-tasking is bad for you, I’d suggest Walter Kirn’s 2007 article from The Atlantic, The Autumn of the Multitaskers.  However Whitney isn’t here to teach you about words, this is the REAL L word, not everyone can learn sign language or English overnight here.

In this context, “multitasking” means running into a girl you hooked up with at a lesbian bar. This happens all the time, actually, so on a scale of 1 to 10, this counts as “stopping being polite and starting to get real.”

Preview Clip 2: Rose vs. Natalie

All her life Rose has been going out with girl after girl after girl, just like Papi. Then she met Kit Porter and knew it was time to change her ways, she even brought flowers to the botanical garden Mangus was building in Kit’s office after diddling the conehead Nanny Robotress (long story) to seduce her straight paramour. But now Rose has met Natalie and this has inspired her to keep her clit in her pants. In this scene, Rose communicates with another human female and her girlfriend freaks out. Watching this scene is like taking two Xanax while your parents fight in the other room.

We’ve also seen this season’s premiere. we have some feelings about it JK no we don’t. There are no feelings in this show! Just “fighting about nothing” and “having fights about having sex” and “tattoos.” Do I have feelings about animated lezbot sex/money robots? Not really.

+

2. New ‘Real L Word’ Press & Reviews:

AFTERELLEN:

The cast of the The Real L Word (sans Tracy) celebrated with Mama Chaiken at the show’s premiere and enlightens us with new facts about the show.

– Whitney uses a strap-on and you will see her use it on your TV
– Nikki & Jill won’t let cameras in their bedroom
– Tracy is half Puerto Rican and half Jewish
– Rose‘s family is Puerto Rican and will appear on the show

THE NEW YORK TIMES:

Gay, Female and Overworked Like Everyone Else:

“Too often “The Real L Word” feels like sitting in a restaurant and hearing about some incredible specials that happen to be sold out. Anything genuinely interesting seems to have already taken place. If you are wondering, for instance, how Tracy’s girlfriend wound up with joint custody of three children, or how they came to be named Jagger, Dautry and Nikos, “The Real L Word” isn’t inclined to tell you. For all of its nonsense, the fake “L Word” never seemed this stingy.”

NEWSWEEK:

Ramin Setoodeh did not write this article:

So while Chaiken may not purport to introduce America to Lesbianism 101—as she once told The New York Times, “I won’t take on the mantle of social responsibility”—between the tits and ass, the lights-out groans, and constant references to “f–king,” she does more to glamorize that tired old Sapphic fantasy (girls making out? hot!) than to teach us anything about real-life lesbians. Even an on-air discussion of “sexual fluidity”—the idea that people can be attracted to others, regardless of gender—is completely negated, as references to “pants and pumps,” Mikey’s complaint of “starving to death” because her woman hasn’t cooked her dinner, and the production’s entire undertone, which is more or less an excuse to show hot chicks making out, couldn’t be any more stereotypically gendered. It’s entertainment, sure. But if The Real L Word wanted lesbians to be seen as real people, for real—maybe it should have stripped away the pseudo-“reality” and shown real life.

THE BARKY:

Not Enough Sex, says The Barky:

“Their trials, tribulations, betrayals and sex talk without the sex aren’t exactly enthralling. Nikki and Jill are the most relatable stars of Real L Word. But wishing them well doesn’t exactly get the blood flowing.”

THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS:

Showtime’s “L Word” needs some real drama:

“You get the distinct feeling some cast members see this show as an opportunity to make a sex tape.”

VARIETY:

The Real L Word Review:

“When the second hour opens with the participants being asked, “What kind of lesbian are you?” the most honest answer in TV terms would be, “Shamelessly derivative ones”…”I don’t play games,” Whitney says during the direct-to-camera confessionals, the content of which — other than the same-sex orientation — could be culled from almost any network dating show.

+

3. Final Thoughts:

a) We are so excitant about Nat! Every episode she’ll be asking a new cast member questions afterwards live on Sho.com, somehow this will involve an iPad, and you will have lots of questions for her to ask I’m sure. You all must go to Sho.com right after the show on Sunday okay? Thx.

b) We are gonna do this thing because despite Autostraddle’s commitment to convincing you that we’re super-smart and intellectual, the fact remains that Autostraddle.com itself was birthed from the belly of The L Word. It was my own little L Word recap blog which led me to The L Word Online (s4, s5, s6) which led me to an unpaid OurChart guestbian gig (remember OurChart you guys, wasn’t that so much fun? Were you on it? I was totally on it.) (our Executive Editor Laneia also not-enjoyed a columnist position at OurChart!) and then to Showtime’s Lezberado and then to creating this here Autostraddle.com! — when The L Word ended, I didn’t want to lose the online community we’d built around it, so I thought I’d try to build a new one around something smarter. One year and three months later, here we are!

Therefore I am obligated by some sort of cyber-peer-pressure or karmic retribution to recap this television program for you. This show’s got nothing in common with the original, I think Ilene Chaiken just likes to call everything The L Word so that people remember what she’s the Producer, Creator, Writer and Masterbrainer of. She’ll probs name her next daughter “The L Word.” People will be like, “Hey L Word, you big Gaymo.” Regardless, Nat is super cute and Tracy Ryerson is a supreme being and lesbians love hummus.