High Femme: Best Strains and Activities for Surviving This New Shitbag Government!
9feature image via shutterstock
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Homoganjas, I’m back! Did you miss me? I missed you so much. So many things have happened since I was gone: I got engaged, I started writing for AfterEllen, I got married, AfterEllen got sucked into the Hellmouth and fired everyone, I got a great new job where literally everyone is queer, and I got an oil vape pen. Even though my last High Femme column was three years ago (we were ever so young?!) I still get messages and shoutouts from you beautiful crystallized buds of humanity. So let’s spark one up, shall we?
Like all of you, I’ve been working my way through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief over the 2016 election. Every tweet, every think piece, and every new hideous government appointee has created oceans of sadness and rage within me. Some days it’s really fucking hard just to get out of bed. A big part of my self-care has been medicating with marijuana, which I already use to handle anxiety and depression. But weed alone isn’t enough (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Is this what growing up feels like?) It’s all too easy to sink into a cloud of depression/smoke, and stew in your bad feelings and paranoia. To combat that, I’ve come up with a list of activities and strains paired to make your life a little bit better.
1. Smoke Tangie and Send Letters
This year, I’ve been spending a lot of time enjoying Tangie, a Sativa with a strong citrus aroma and a pleasant, uplifting high. Basically, it’s the weed equivalent of the Soarin’ Over California ride at Disney’s California Adventure, when you fly over orange groves and get spritzed with citrus smells.
This could be you!
Fun Fact About Soarin’: you’re held in by a seat belt that goes through your legs, so when the ride tilts you forward you are literally hanging by your vagina! Fun! While you’re enjoying the sweet smooth taste of Tangie, you can finally tackle all those petitions that are filling up your inbox. Set up a monthly donation to your favorite charity, like Planned Parenthood or the Southern Poverty Law Center. Write a letter to your congressperson telling them your concerns. Phone the Department of Justice until their voicemail box is full. Fill a box with used tampons and put them in Mike Pence’s mailbox! Make your voice heard, and not just on social media: we now know that real letters and phone calls are the best way to reach the powers that be. Let your voice be heard.
2. Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies and Kite Flying
Real talk: when was the last time you flew a kite? If you can’t remember, it’s been too long. There’s something so simple yet satisfying about watching an inanimate piece of paper or plastic catch the wind and ascend into the sky. It is the cheapest of thrills, especially if you buy your kite at Rite-Aid for $2. Pair your kite date with the hybrid Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies. This potent blend of Durban Poison and OG Kush offers a relaxed and euphoric high with a sweet minty flavor. Until you can smoke actual Peppermint Bark, enjoy this hybrid and let your spirit soar.
3. Gorilla Glue #4 and Animal Cuddling
What did we ever do to deserve animals? Not a goddamn thing, but they love us anyway. In these trying times, there’s nothing better than curling up with your very own fuzzy buddy: animals don’t care who we love, and couldn’t give less of a shit which bathroom we use (except for my mom’s Maltese, who will stick her tiny arms under the bathroom door and demand unwavering eye contact while you pee). More importantly, having a pet makes you responsible for another living being, and care for them is not only an act of love, but also a great way to get out of your own head. So why not head on down to your local animal shelter and adopt your new BFF? Can’t afford/house an animal? Volunteer with your local shelters and rescue groups. Or maybe get a goldfish if you’re afraid of commitment. Baby steps. Enjoy a chill evening with your furry loved one and some Gorilla Glue #4: this hybrid, earthy strain promotes epic couch potatoing, which is perfect for long cuddle sessions with your familiar.
This is Cookie: she’s basically my reason for living.
4. Blueberry Dream and Feminist Potluck Parties
As a Cancer with a history of anxiety and depression, I’m intimately familiar with self-isolating and refusing to leave the house. Believe me, if I could spend 2017 wrapped in a blanket and a supply of endless dumplings, I would. While alone time is crucial to rest and recharge, no one is an island. And if you don’t like going out, bring the party to you by hosting a feminist queer potluck! Invite friends over for a literal potluck party: have everyone bring their favorite strain and share. It also helps to have everyone bring something to snack on, because munchies. Pair the evening with a craft project. Make it a standing monthly date. Smoke some Blueberry Dream to boost your creativity and happiness while you crossstitch your favorite Audre Lorde quotes. Look at you, creating a queer safe space!
Via Crafting with Feminism
Seeing Double: Smoking Up With Orphan Black and the Clone Club
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Raise your hand if you can’t get enough Orphan Black. I don’t blame you; I’ve been hooked since the first episode and I’m recapping Season Two for you weirdos! This show has everything: gorgeous women, sci-fi conspiracies and kickass gay besties. But what really sets the show apart is Tatiana Maslany’s epic performance as multiple characters. Each clone is so specific in her look/mannerisms/personality that it’s easy to forget they’re all played by the same actress. With that in mind, I’ve come up with a smoke list for every genetic identical on the show. Because while their DNA may match, their herb preferences couldn’t be more different!
Sarah Manning
What She Would Smoke:
British con artist Sarah has ovaries of brass. And with all she’s been through recently, she’d need a mellow indica to calm her nerves, like Grape Ape or Cheese. You know, something to take the edge off when you’re breaking and entering or posing as your doppelganger cop. COPPLEGANGER.
How She Would Smoke it:
Like many a former bad girl, Sarah would smoke her stash from poorly rolled joints. Sure they’re stemmy garbage, but she’s so charming you wouldn’t even care.
Cosima Niehaus
What She Would Smoke:
Quirky and crushable Cosima is already a frequent toker, disproving the cliché that stoners aren’t smart or productive. She would favor a sparkling sativa to keep her focused in the lab. Sweet Diesel and Lemon Jack would be a good fit; anything with a fruity flavor would be a plus.
How She Would Smoke it:
Cosima would smoke her bud out of a complex engineered bong she made in the lab. Or the more obvious choice, blowbacks with Delphine. Although seeing as she’s been coughing up blood, maybe girlfriend should stick with edibles.
Alison Hendrix
What She Would Smoke:
Guys, Alison is already a pro at mixing wine coolers and painkillers. This type A soccer mom could use a sweet hybrid to help her shift gears. Something like Banana OG or Chemdawg could level her out nicely.
How She Would Smoke it:
Since she needs to protect her voice for the musical, Alison would go for some edibles. They’re discreet and easy to disguise. Why do you think her vests are so puffy? THEY’RE FILLED WITH BROWNIES.
Rachel Duncan
What She Would Smoke:
Rachel has a lot of responsibilities: international business dealings, rogue clones, severe bob maintenance. No one said being a proclone was easy. She needs to unwind with a luscious indica kush, like Purple or Bubba. A nice rich herb like these will help soothe the pain of getting pistol-whipped by your genetic identical.
How She Would Smoke it:
Rachel would favor a sleek and stylish vape pen, like the Atmos Raw or the Pax. Clean, efficient and modern, just like her.
Helena
What She Would Smoke:
How do you solve a problem like Helena? Probably not with marijuana. But let’s throw a tasty hybrid at her and see what sticks. I might go with Qrazy Train or Amnesia Haze for the names alone.
How She Would Smoke it:
Helena would smoke from a glass bong with broken jagged edges, then beat someone to death with it. Sooo… contact high?
Top Five Fictional Female Stoners
We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!
Honest confession time: I’ve loved stoner comedies since before I ever smoked my first joint. I don’t know what exactly it was that first drew me to genre: the four-letter words, the low-brow shenanigans, the inherent goofiness. Or maybe it was the underlying message that usually had to do with standing up against authority and letting your freak flag fly. What can I say, I’m a sucker for an underdog story. While the stoner comedy world is mostly populated with men, there have been a few notable exceptions. The following are five of my favorite fictional female stoners, culled from film and television. These ladies have a standing invitation to the smoke circle of my heart.
1. Sarah Silverman in The Sarah Silverman Program
Notable Episode: “High, It’s Sarah” Season 2, Episode 7
When Sarah starts smoking weed with her best friend Brian, she discovers that she has brilliant ideas while she’s high and starts leaving voice mails for her sober self. For anyone who has ever had great ideas while they were stoned, consider this episode a warning: one minute you might be complimenting strangers, the next you might kidnap Garry Marshall while wearing your old prom dress. IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, PEOPLE.
2. Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda, and Lily Tomlin in Nine to Five
If you haven’t seen 9 to 5, you need to seriously re-examine your life choices. I mean, it’s Parton, Tomlin, and Fonda smashing the patriarchy ’80s style! After a rough day at work, these three ladies bond over a stolen joint and their hatred of their misogynistic boss. Several puffs later, we get to see their weed-induced fantasies about revenge. If you want to see Lily Tomlin play a stoned Snow White, then this is the movie for you.
3. Kristen Bell in Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical
In this hilarious musical, one puff turns straight-laced Veronica Mars into a leather bound S&M goddess. I mean, I loved Frozen, but this movie has Kristen Bell singing and dancing in fishnets and holding a whip. That’s kind of all you need in life.
4. Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8g3XXLTUpo
So many female smokers are depicted as one-timers, often “learning a lesson” about the dangers of smoking weed. Hell, even Nancy Botwin from Weeds only lights up a handful of times during the entire run of the series! That’s what is so much fun about Bridget Fonda’s character Melanie: she really is a 24/7 devoted pothead with no plans beyond her next bowl and whatever else is on TV. Keep on dreaming the dream, you stoned little angel.
5. Anna Faris in Smiley Face
Smiley Face is the female stoner comedy of your dreams. Anna Faris stars as Jane, a pothead actress who accidently eats all of her roommates pot cupcakes and spends one day completely tripping ovaries. It also gives us this GIF, which basically sums up my life.
My favorite thing about this movie is that it perfectly captures the feeling of being so incredibly high that simple tasks become epic journeys. Whether it’s re-parking her car, making a phone call, or inciting a worker’s strike at a sausage factory, Faris’s Jane approaches each task with wide-eyed confusion and a goofy smile. This is not just the best female stoner film ever, it’s the best stoner movie bar none. BRB, framing pictures of President Garfield forever.
Header by Rory Midhani
Get Baked with High Femme: Cannabutter
Homoganjas, I think most of us can agree that there is a substance more life-affirming, more satisfying, and more delicious than marijuana. That substance is butter. Spread on whole wheat toast, baked into a cupcake, or sautéed into a filet mignon, there are few things in this world as decadent or tasty as butter (with the exception of Nutella, which is basically hazelnut butter why are we kidding ourselves). Today, we are going to talk about the joyful union of marijuana and butter, to create cannabutter!
You KNOW Meryl would have preferred cannabutter!
Cannabutter aka marijuana butter aka budder aka magic butter aka breakfast, lunch and dinner, is butter that has been infused with cannabinoids, the chemicals unique to cannabis that offer psychoactive effects (THC is one of these chemicals). Since cannabinoids are fat-soluble, they are best mixed with natural fats like butter and oil. So take a page out of Hannah Harto’s book and butter yo shit!
This recipe is from The Stoner’s Cookbook:
Things You’ll Need:
1 lb. of butter
1 oz. of ground weed*
Cheesecloth
1. Melt the butter in a sauce pan until it is simmering. When melting butter, ALWAYS keep an eye on it and keep stirring to avoid it burning.
2. Add in the weed and mix with the butter. Let it simmer on low heat for 45 minutes to an hour. Stir frequently! The more butter you are making, the longer you let it simmer. The butter should reach a dark green, sometimes brownish color.
3. While the butter is cooking, place your cheesecloth over a plastic or glass container of your choice. You can secure it with rubber bands or little alligator clips, like I do. Are you still stirring the butter? Keep stirring!
4. Once the butter is finished cooking, pour it over the cheesecloth and let it strain. Make sure to get all the liquid out of the cooked weed.
5. Chill the butter over night. It will naturally separate into canabutter and water. Just pour out the water, and you’ve got your cannabutter solidified and ready to go!
6. Substitute your cannabutter for regular butter in your preferred baked goods recipe and go to town! Just remember to eat small servings of whatever you make and give it at least 30-45 minutes to kick in before you go for the second cookie/slice/brownie.
Now the final question, of course, is what are y’all baking? Share your favorite edibles recipes below!
In High Femme, we talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp. Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
High Femme: 6 Super Secret Ways To Hide Your Stash While Home For The Holigays
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Homoganjas, like the famous Christmas carol says, “there’s no place like home for the holidays”. What the song fails to mention is that there is also no place for the weed you brought with you to your parents’ house. Truly, the holidays are a wonderful time to reunite with old friends and family, but oftentimes that is difficult to do without a little herbal assistance. And while some of us are blessed with laid-back, former hippy parents who enjoy a family smoke-up, the vast majority of smokers find themselves having to constantly sneak away from their family for a bud break. It’s like high school all over again, only the weed is more expensive and you’ve stopped coughing…as much.
So in the spirit of the holidays, let’s look at some great ways to hide your stash from your loved ones! Because while you love your family to pieces, sometimes you need a nice green buffer from those weirdos.
In terms of traveling with weed: dear readers, I DO NOT endorse air travel with weed. Plenty of people do it and never get caught. Maybe you are one of them. I give you mad props. But in the interest of keeping yourself out of jail, PLEASE do not bring your marijuana in the vicinity of federal agents! I mean, obvs you do you, I’m not your mom (OR AM I?!?) but please be thoughtful about this. I mean, look what happened to this lady, and she was only smuggling drug money!
There has got to be a better way to bang Laura Prepon
So be smart and be safe. Unless you’re traveling on Amtrak, where you could wear a glitter top hat with LED lights that spell “homoganja” and no one would bat an eyelash.*
Deodorant
Deodorant is a great place to keep your stash, especially Secret brand if you love wordplay! All you need to do is crank out the deodorant until you can pull the block out (use gloves or a paper towel, that stuff gets everywhere). Wash out the inside, then insert your bag of weed. Cap that shit and you are good to go! Strong enough for a man, pH balanced for a stoner.
Highlighter
This is a fun, small portable stash holder that’s fairly simple to make. All you need is a pair of pliers and a highlighter, and you’re good to go! The first thing you do is take your pliers and pull out the back of the highlighter aka the white part. Once that’s off, remove the ink cartridge and rinse out the empty tube. Again, gloves will be good here, unless you want to look like a Simpsons character. Then pack your stash and you’re done! What’s next? High puns. High puns all day every day.
Stainless Steel Water Bottle
Via amazon.com
Chances are you have one of these already. They are BPA-free, lightweight, and endlessly reusable. Not to mention they come in cute colors! The big giveaway with marijuana is usually the smell, so any sort of container with a strong seal is a plus. And these bottles are so ubiquitous that you’ll be hiding your stash in plain sight. Sometimes the best solutions are the simplest.
Vitamins
Via amazon.com
Your stash box needs to be air-tight and opaque for optimal sneakiness. Vitamin pill bottles are a great example of this, plus your family will think that you are finally turning things around and taking care of yourself. Look at you, responsible adult-shaped person who’s getting enough zinc! You’re ready to take on the world.
Edibles
Edibles (especially smaller candies like Cheeba Chews and the like) are a great way to get high in plain sight. But be careful: you don’t want to go down as the idiot who accidentally roofied grandma/Jimmy Jr./Sparky with misplaced snacks. Because that shame will linger.
Another clever use of covert edibles is to mix it in with drug-free snacks. For example, a girl on my Birthright Israel trip (Jewiest sentence opener ever) baked some pot brownies, then crumbled them up into some trail mix. No one knew about it…until she passed out somewhere over the Atlantic ocean on the way to the Promised Land. So ya know, remember your tolerance, kids.
Stash Cans
Via amazon.com
If you’re not one for DIY, there are a myriad of different stash cans you can buy. From soda cans to lighters to shaving cream to WD-40 (hey butches hey!) there is almost nothing that hasn’t been copied and repurposed as a stash can. When I die, I think I’ll just have myself taxidermied and converted into a human stash can. You can add an audio tape of me telling pussy jokes and just leave me on A-Camp mountain like a scarecrow. I’m cool with it.
Where do you stash your weed when you head home for the holidays? Or where do you stash it at work? Do you really have 20 cans of beets or are those all stash cans? Holla at me, homoganjas!
*I’m exaggerating, don’t wear that on a train y’all, be smart and buy herb when you get home.
feature image via shutterstock.com
High Femme: What We Talk About When We Talk About Weed
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Homoganjas, let’s talk about what we talk about when we talk about weed. Did I lose you already? Like many subcultures, the world of marijuana is replete with its own vocabulary. While smoke slang may come and go, we rarely take a look at the origins of the words we throw around the dispensary. So consider this a primer on the origins of our most basic weed words, or as I like to think of it, a stoned version of More Than Words.
Marijuana
The origins of the term marijuana are unclear and hotly debated. Often attributed to Mexican or South American Spanish, the OED also references the indigenous language Nahuatl, suggesting that the word may come from mallihuan, which means “prisoner.” Usage of the word dates back to 1894, where it was referred to as mariguan, marihuma and maraguango. Many consider this to be a mutated version of the Spanish word mejorana, meaning Marjoram, a common herb without psychotropic properties. The term Mary Jane stems from marijuana as well, as an English translation of the name Maria Juana. US government officials embraced the “Mexican” origin of the word in their attempts to dissuade the American public from partaking. But xenophobia was no match for the allure of the herb, and marijuana steadily rose in popularity.
Some scholars suggest that the word actually has roots reaching all the way to China, where the phrase hemp seed flowers translates into ma ren hua, which sounds familiar to our ear holes. A slang term for cannabis in Mexico is oregano chino aka Chinese oregano, which may also refer to the word’s Chinese roots.
Bong
The word bong comes from the Thai word baung, meaning a cylindrical wooden tube or pipe cut from bamboo. Different versions of bongs were used all over the world, from Africa to Laos to China.
(via liveauctioneers.com)
Water pipes became especially popular in China during the Qing dynasty, and were considered a must-have by upper class society. Water pipes were often embellished with ornate carvings, gold mouth pieces, and decorative stones. Even the emperors and empresses were often buried with an assortment of water pipes, which is something to keep in mind the next time a friend makes fun of you for wanting to be buried with your vape pen.
Blunt
“If you wanna go and get high with me/Smoke a L in the back of a Benz-y” – Ride With Me by Nelly
“Come on pass the dutch baby! Shake shake shake ya stuff, ladies!” – Pass That Dutch by Missy Elliot
We know blunts as large joints rolled with cigar paper, but the term blunt comes from Phillies Blunt brand cigars. Phillies used the term blunt to describe the rounded tip of the cigar, as opposed to the more commonly smoked ones with tapered tips. This type of cigar was (and is) a very cheap option, and the durability of the wrap made it easy to re-pack with weed.
(via flickriver.com)
But blunt isn’t the only weed slang that derives from cigars. The term El or L is taken from El Producto brand cigars, while the term dutch refers to the popular brand Dutch Masters.
420
Ask anyone about the origins of 420, and you’ll get a variety of different answers. Some people say it’s the police code for marijuana, while others are convinced it holds some greater meaning in numerology. The truth is that the term originated in San Rafael, California, from a group of high school students who were on a mission to find a rumored lost marijuana crop. It’s just like The Goonies, only with more drugs.
(via information-facts.com)
The group, known as the “Waldos”, never did find the legendary crop, but in the process they coined a now international term for marijuana, as well as an unofficial holiday that takes place every April 20th. Not too shabby for some high schoolers looking for lost weed.
Ganja
Homoganjas, where would we be without this term? Aside from just homos, I mean. The word ganja comes from the Sanskrit word ganjika, which refers to the cannabis plant.
(via bigbudsmag.com)
Ganja also has roots in Hindi, where it is known as ganjha. The word is often mistaken for being Jamaican in origin; when in fact, it was the East Indian laborers sent to work in the West Indies who popularized the term among the locals.
What about you, homoganjas? Got any favorite smoke slang? Still mystified by some verdant vocabulary?
High Femme: Today Is The Day We Learn To Make Tampon Pipes
feature image via Shutterstock
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp. Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
Homoganjas, I’ve been wanting to dive into the world of DIY pipes and bongs for a while now. But it’s intimidating! There seems be an endless list of things that people can convert into smoking devices. Apples, soda bottles, Pringles cans, Grandma. I honestly didn’t know where to start.
Another obstacle is the fact that I’m not the craftiest girl to begin with. I mean, who wants to learn how to make pipes from a girl who regularly embroiders her own clothes into her designs? I have problems, y’all. So I figured, why not make this a series within a series? So welcome to the first installment of:
There’s A Pipe For That!
Every month/when I remember, I’ll be creating some smoke devices based on different themes. You can even take these themes and apply them to themed smoke hangouts and parties! This is just another step in my master plan to create IRL queer smoke circles all across the world. So grab your toolkit/your kit and caboodle/a box of canoodles and let’s make some shit!
Our first theme is: “Crimson Cloud: Smoking While Menstruating!”
Today we’re gonna make two different kinds of pipes for that time of the month! Marijuana is a great way to alleviate any symptoms, from abdominal cramps to uncontrollable rage. Our first project is a genius combination of candy and weed:
The Starburst Pipe
So you’ve got a serious case of sweet tooth but you still wanna get high? Get ready to fall in love with the Starburst pipe! This device is fruity and hilarious, just like you.
1) All you’ll need a pack of Starburst and a type of skewer.
2) Unwrap the pieces and stack them together. Press down so they stick.
3) Take a wooden or metal skewer (or a similar sized tool) and create a lengthwise hole 2/3 of the way through the candy stack.
4) Make rounded hole on the side of the candy stack. This will be your bowl.
5) That’s it! Pack your bowl and you’re ready to go. You can also add a hole on the other side if you want a carb. And the best part: you can eat it when you are done! Although I would advise using a mesh screen or rinsing out the residue before eating, but you do you.
The TampPipe
Sometimes, all you have in your pocket is a dime bag and a tampon. This pipe is for you. This will also be part of a larger series wherein I turn feminine hygiene products into smoking devices. Stay tuned for my Summer’s Eve Douche Gravity Bong, where I use a coconut Luna bar as a filter.
1) All you need for this pipe is an old school cardboard tampon, a tiny piece of tinfoil, and a needle. Simple enough, right? Well, I went to two different drug stores and could not find a tampon with a cardboard applicator! Everyone’s all about the Pearl now, I guess, which is great for vaginas but so much for this girl.
Luckily, I found a plastic applicator that looks like the cardboard one.
2) Press the plunger and remove the cotton tampon. If I were really crafty, I’d say glue some googly eyes on the tampon and make a ghost, but it’s November and ain’t nobody got time for that.
3) Remove the base of the applicator and you should be left with what looks like a cardboard flower.
4) Wrap the flower in tinfoil and poke a small hole in the foil. You just made your bowl!
5) Look that one-hitter up and smoke away! Enjoy the only time on Earth when it’s acceptable to say the following phrase:
“Hey girl, wanna share a tampon?”
You know what? Maybe don’t use that phrase. Ever.
So what about you, homoganjas? Got any favorite homemade pipes? Any themes you’d like to see celebrated in smoke art form? Share below!
High Femme: 6 Stoner Apps for Your Stoner iPhone or Android
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp. Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
Homoganjas, I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m somewhat of a tech whiz in my family. Only in my family, though. I can talk my mom through cutting and pasting web addresses like a pro. I can help my sister scan pictures onto her laptop and then attach them to emails. I even have a basic to subpar working knowledge of iTunes. But despite my mother’s proclamations that her daughter is the next Bill Gates, in the real world I am hopeless with all things tech-related.
This is especially true regarding my knowledge (or lack thereof) of apps. This is coming from someone who has three different flashlight apps and makes daily use of her light saber app. Oh well. So here’s my stab at Queer Your Tech With Fun Aka Queer Your Tech With a Stoner Too Afraid to Update to iOS7.
For your consideration, my six favorite Marijuana-related apps:
1. Leafly – iOS, Andriod
via itunes
Leafly aka Marijuana Strain and Dispensary Reviews, is a brilliant catalogue of more than 500 strains. Not only does Leafly thoughtfully review these strains, but it allows you to cross-reference strains based on side effects, flavors, and recommended medical usage. It also helps you find dispensaries, and posts 420 news and factoids. If you only download one marijuana-based app, this is the one to download. And it’s free on both iOS and Android phones.
2. Marijuana Handbook Lite
via amazon.com
Marijuana Handbook Lite is a nifty little app that houses a strains library with descriptions and pictures. It also has a wormhole of marijuana knowledge and trivia that is great for killing time. It even has a recipe section for all you baked bakers! This is a fun free app that is easy to use, and it’s also free and available on iOS and Android. And if you’re feeling prosperous you can always spring for the full version for $2.99.
3. THCFinder.com
via Google Play app store
This app is the Yelp of dispensary apps. Aside from, you know, Yelp. In addition to finding and mapping the nearest MMJ dispensary, this app also lists prices, menus, and daily specials in your area. I find this to be an especially useful app, as dispensaries in Los Angeles are more ubiquitous than Starbucks. California is indeed a magical place. Also free and available on iOS and Android.
4. Grasscity Community
via Google Play app store
The Grasscity Community app is the mobile version of the immensely popular marijuana forum. With over 16 million posts, Grasscity is the hub of any and all cannabis conversation. From legalization to hemp history to equipment recommendations, Grasscity covers it all. This online smoke circle is a great resource for information, and vigilant moderators keep the trolling to a minimum. Again, free and avail on iOS and Android.
5. Legalize It!
via itunes
Legalize It! is an app devoted entirely to legalization efforts across the country. It features a state by state breakdown of laws and possession fines, as well as a comprehensive history of legalization. Not only is it a good educational resource, but it also features a “take action” tab that helps you send pro-legalization emails to elected officials! Damn the man, spam the empire! Free, but only avail on iOS.
6. Grow Buddy
via amazon.com
Grow Buddy is an app geared towards people who grow their own marijuana. It records notes and helps track pH levels, inventory, and feeding schedules. This app helps to keep your ganja garden organized and efficient. Sidebar, it’s fun to read the Amazon reviews of angry people who thought this was a straight up gardening app. I would use this app if I grew my own stuff, but since I’ve managed to massacre multiple cacti, I’ll leave the growing to the professionals. Seriously, my apartment is like a terrarium cemetery. This app is also free, but only avail on Android.
And finally:
7. Light Saber Apps All Day and All Night!
via awesomenator.com
Because if I didn’t have a job, I’d just be light saber dueling all day. Also, it’s a lot of fun to take Star Wars quotes and insert weed jargon, i.e. “I find your lack of Sativa disturbing” or “these are not the joints you’re looking for.” Go ahead, try it.
What about you, young Padawans? Favorite weed apps? Websites? Need me to help you with your AOL email? Because I got that shit on lock.
All pics from Google Play and iTunes App Store.
High Femme: Demystifying Lady Smokers
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp. Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
feature image from karmejello.com
Last week, Emily Dufton wrote an article for The Atlantic entitled “Marijuana and the Modern Lady.” In the article, Dufton talks about the rise of the female stoner and her portrayal (or lack thereof) in the media. She also discusses women’s growing roles in the fight for medical usage and legalization. With more Americans supporting legalization, recreational smoking continues to take on a more visible role in our society, which Dufton refers to as coming out of the “cannabis closet.” Dufton’s article is one of many discussions of women and marijuana currently happening in the blogosphere, and it’s obviously a discussion worth having.
I really enjoyed this article, but I can’t help but feel like it is the latest entry in the pantheon of journalistic inquiries that I like to call, “Women Do Wha?!?!”. It seems like every decade, society takes off its glasses, wipes away the fog, and realizes that WOMEN ARE DOING SHIT THAT MEN DO. Wow, what a shocker! It’s almost like we are part of the same species or something. Whether it’s entering the workforce, postponing marriage, or “having it all”, media seems perpetually gobsmacked that women are human beings with the same desires/anxieties/dreams of everyone else.
via barewalls.com
I remember seeing this most clearly in the late 90’s and the early 2000’s, when Sex and the City became a major part of the cultural zeitgeist. It was followed by a spate of articles and magazine covers devoted to the idea of the independent, sexually liberated woman. Thousands upon thousands of words were written about the show and its impact: do women really talk about sex so frankly? Are women the new men? Are men the new women? Are cats the new dogs? Are shoes the new hats? And before you think that I’m making fun of these writers, please know that I was/am one of them; I wrote my senior thesis on the cultural impact of SATC. Hooray for Communication majors!
But much like masturbation and other “personal relaxation” methods, it’s pretty obvious that most women are smoking it, but not talking about it. There is a cloud of shame permeating these issues for women, where there is absolutely none for men. Salon did a fascinating article about female shame around marijuana:
“I generally think women are not willing to take the risk of bringing up that subject because they’ll be judged by that other person,” says Sabrina Fendrick of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) Women’s Alliance. “It’s also a social fear of being judged by other women and other men as well. There’s a connotation with marijuana, that lazy stoner attitude, and women already have to work twice as hard to be considered half as good.”
So women feel shame and embarrassment when they partake in behavior that men have been doing for years. Not just doing, but celebrated for. Judd Apatow movies, featuring pasty blobs of men in a cloud of marijuana smoke, have been dominating comedy for the past decade. These characters are not merely played for comic relief; they are the heroes of the stories. They are the romantic leads (gross) almost exclusively paired with gorgeous young actresses. But with the exception of Charlyne Yi’s character in Knocked Up, there is no female stoner equivalent. There is just the eye-rolling, humorless shrew whose job is to A) make the boy a better man and B) usher him into adulthood. What a treat for us.
Maybe the problem is that we are defining smokers solely as the cliché pothead character that’s been a staple since Cheech and Chong. There are plenty of men and women who are highly productive, fully functioning recreational pot smokers. Like all stereotypes, the stoner stereotype is both limiting and one dimensional. But this raises the larger question of visibility and social acceptance. If the media and popular culture do not acknowledge a lifestyle, does it cease to exist? Of course not. Homosexuality existed long before we saw LGBT characters in film and television. But with the integration of queer characters in media came a change in the social acceptance of LGBT people in real life.
We need to have more female smokers in pop culture; just as we need to have more diverse female characters across the board. With media representation comes public discussion: when we see something new and different, we have to talk about it. And it is this open level of discourse that helps demystify and remove all of the stigma surrounding that different thing, be it sexuality, gender identity, or marijuana use. The more we talk about our fears, the less power and control they have over us. In the meantime, if Judd Apatow wants to make a Pineapple Express sequel starring James Franco and a sassy, smoking Jewess, he knows where to find me.
High Femme: What We Wear When We Blaze
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp. Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
Homoganjas, I would like to share something with you. Something extremely embarrassing that I’ve never told anyone before. I feel like this is a smoker circle of trust, right?
When I was a little kid, I thought that everybody smoked weed naked.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Let me explain. When I was a kid, the movie Hairspray was on a constant loop in my house. And this was the late ’80s, so I’m talking about the original John Waters Hairspray, starring Ricki Lake and the incomparable Divine (who I was obsessed with as a child. Who has two thumbs and two flamboyantly gay uncles? This girl!)
If you haven’t seen this movie, you are doing life wrong
The movie takes place in 1962, and there is a scene when Tracy and her crew end up in the mean streets of Baltimore and stumble into the home of a couple of beatniks. These beatniks, played by Ric Ocasek of The Cars and Pia Zadora, proceed to flirt with the crew and offer them some reefer. Specifically, Pia says the following:
A formative moment for young Chelsea
This might be the first time I ever heard of marijuana (which explains SO MUCH) so I assumed that everyone smoked weed naked. I also became obsessed with beatniks and wanted to be just like this Beatnik chick when I grew up. This desire lingered for a few years, until I saw Batman Returns and decided I’d rather be Catwoman. Kids are fickle.
I grew older, and eventually realized that most people smoke with their clothes on. It comes down to math, really.
Fire + Exposed Genitals = BAD.
This got me thinking about what we wear when we blaze. Is there such a thing as weed fashion? I’ve certainly seen my fair share of stoners in tie-dye tees and dirty sandals. College campuses are replete with frat bros in Bob Marley shirts. Does ganja fashion exist outside the realm of Spencer’s Gifts?
Now, I am hardly an expert on fashion. I dress like a 13-year-old boy, and I almost always value function over form. But I’ve compiled a few different essentials that I think make great smoke wear. You can call it Dolce & Ganjbana. Or DKNYTHC. Or Oscar De La Renta Vaporiser because you can’t afford one. Okay, I’ll show myself out.
1. Hoodies:
Everyone loves a hoodie. Chances are you’re wearing one right now. Warm, comfy, familiar; they are the clothing version of hugs. I especially like pullover hoodies with big pockets where I can stash a joint/pipe/lighter. Plus, they come in a million different colors, fabrics, and designs. Hoodies are love, is what I’m saying.
2. Cargo Shorts:
I realize selling queer girls on cargo shorts is like selling them on vagina. Once you get inside one, you realize what you’ve been missing your entire life and the world makes sense again. Cargo shorts get a bad rap, mostly by people who don’t know what pockets are. SO MANY POCKETS. There’s room for a lighter, a spliff, a grinder, a vape pen, your phone, a Cliff bar…the possibilities are endless.
3. Onesies:
Remember when I said that hoodies were like a hug? Well, onesies are like a full body hug from a lovable weirdo who wraps both legs around you. Animal onesies are having a major moment right now. The trend started in Japan, where they are known as kigurumi, or “disguise pajamas.” Costumes AND pajamas? Obviously designed by a stoned person.
4. Accessories:
There are certain fashion accessories that lend themselves to smokers. There is the ubiquitous knit hat, which is a classic stoner look. Also, it is super comfortable and great if your hair is a mess. Sunglasses are a must if you have some post-smoke red eye action happening. Fingerless gloves are great because you won’t set your mittens on fire trying to use a Zippo. It happened to a friend, and it was hilarious/unfortunate. And I may be a major nerd, but I will never apologize for wearing a fanny pack: hands free y’all!
5. Weed Socks!
Going to work/church/family dinner and have to play it straight edge? Let your toes be counter-culture in these weed socks! Just make sure your mom doesn’t find them in dryer, because she will definitely have questions.
What about you, homoganjas? Any favorite smoking outfits? Have you figured out how to smoke naked without injuring your tender parts?
High Femme: Elevate Your Smoking Situation, With Accessories!
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
Do you know what’s always a good time? Going to a lesbian bar and playing Count the Fedoras. Or counting the number of leather wrist cuffs. Or the bandanas. For a while in LA, it was count the single extra-long earring with a feather attached. There’s a stereotype that lesbians love accessories, and I am calling shenanigans. EVERYONE loves accessories.
Which brings us to marijuana accessories: the tools of the trade that every seasoned smoker ought to have in their arsenal. I’m not talking about smoking devices: rolling papers, pipes, bongs and the like. I want to focus on those extras that make our lives that much easier. So I’m submitting, for your education and approval, the top five must-have smoking accessories! (Funyuns not included).
1. EZ Splitz Cigar Cutter:
Homoganjas, I have a secret shame. I am terrible at rolling joints and blunts. Like, really terrible. I can’t tell you how much herb I’ve wasted or dropped on the floor due to the poor quality of my rolling skills. The same lack of skill occurs whenever I try to wrap presents or fold origami. Basically, paper + my hands = disaster. EZ Splitz is an amazing tool because it splits cigarillos and cigars perfectly without ruining the shape. This allows you to crack open the cigar shell and repack that thing with any herb you desire. This simple little device is a game changer if you are rolling-challenged like me. It is also great for non-pot smokers who like to roll their own cigarettes/cigars.
2. A Good Grinder:
An herb grinder is an essential tool for every kind of smoker. Since marijuana grows in sticky little clusters aka “buds”, you need a device to shred and grind up your green. This creates a more even burn of your herb and an easier time with rolling and/or packing a bowl. Grinders come in all shapes/sizes/materials, but I recommend a grinder with a mesh screen to catch all the flakes. Grinders also range in price, from your simple plastic models to the high tech super grinders that will eventually develop artificial intelligence and enslave the human race. You do you, is what I’m saying here.
3. Pipe Screens:
There are like colanders for your weed! (via marijuana.pl)
Pipe screens are game changers. They save your weed from falling into the pipe, which means you are smoking it instead of wasting it. This saves you money and makes you feel like a fiscally responsible adult, at least with regards to your smoking (note: this is a rare feeling – savor it). Screens also save you from inhaling any ash or the herb itself. If you haven’t inhaled a chunk of weed/ash, consider yourself lucky. It tastes terrible, and it will most definitely get in your teeth, and then no one will want to make out with you. Or so I hear. Not to mention, it clogs up your pipe and that shit can be hard to clean. Also, you can get like, 100 for three bucks, so what are you waiting for?
4. BIC Mini Lighters:
Flick my BIC? You’re gonna have to buy me dinner first.
There are a million different kinds and styles of lighters out there, and everyone has their preferences. I mean, I could probably do an entire column on lighters alone, but that would be pretty boring. The BIC mini is awesome because its smaller size makes it easier to spark pipes without burning yourself. It is also great for smokers with teeny tiny doll hands, like me, who hate fumbling with regular sized lighters.
Sidebar, I miss Kristen Wiig on SNL so much, you guys.
5. A Motherfucking Ashtray:
This seems mind bogglingly simple. We are adultish people. We don’t need to ash in empty cans or beer bottles. We don’t need to ash in those IKEA bowls our mothers bought us when we moved into our first apartment. And we don’t need to ash all over the sidewalk/driveway/state park/endangered tortoise that looks like an ashtray but is NOT an ashtray. And now, with pocket ashtrays available, there is no excuse to scatter your ashes to the four winds. Keep it clean, jelly bean.
What are your favorite pot accessories, homoganjas? Share in the comments!
High Femme: Pick a Strain, Any Strain
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
You guys, let’s talk about strains. Strong strains, weak strains, strains that climb on rocks. For the novice smoker, the strain of their weed is not something that is normally taken into consideration. They are more concerned with what’s available, what’s cheap, and what they can get a lot of. This leads to copious amounts of “schwag,” a low-grade cheap form of marijuana. Schwag is basically the marijuana equivalent of Charles Shaw wine, aka “Two Buck Chuck.” Not that there’s anything wrong with Chuck. In college, I drank PLENTY of Chuck (I even mixed it with vodka once. It did not turn out well.) It’s cheap and it gets the job done.
(via yelp.com)
But eventually, you get tired of drinking something that tastes like malt vinegar left in an old shoe. So you start spending some money. You sample different flavors and vintages. You even figure out what wines go best with a filet mignon or a seafood entrée. You develop standards. This is a good thing, as no self respecting adult should subject themselves to Chuck or any other similar beverages (with the exception of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. I might be a connoisseur, but I’m not a monster.)
The same theory applies to marijuana. You want to get high, but what kind of high are you after? Are you looking for an uplifting, energizing high to help you complete your novel/Orange is the New Black fan fiction? Or do you want a heavier, more soporific high to glue your ass to the couch while you mainline Bomb Girls on Netflix? Or are you looking for something in between? This brings us to the two main strains of cannabis available today: Cannabis Sativa and Cannabis Indica.
Cannabis Sativa:
Sativa is a form of cannabis that creates a more stimulating, head-based high. It is considered a more energetic, invigorating strain that appeals to artists and highly functioning potheads alike. This is due to a higher content of THC (aka tetrahydrocannabinol) the main psychoactive chemical in marijuana. Now buckle your seatbelts, because it’s about to get scientific! According to Live Science:
“THC relieves pain, but it doesn’t bind to the same receptors in the brain as opioids such as heroine, morphine and other drugs derived from the poppy plant. THC stimulates cells in the brain to release dopamine, creating euphoria.”
(via 1ms.net)
You may recognize dopamine as the “happy” chemical, or the primary material from which they make A-Camp. Because of this, sativa is a strain often recommended for depression and fatigue.
You Should Smoke Sativa if:
– You want to be high but you still have shit to do.
– You are completing the great gay American novel.
– You are going to any sort of concert or festival.
– You are about to play any sort of dance-based video game.
– You found some old glow sticks in your freezer.
– You are about to do some serious data entry.
Cannabis Indica:
Indica is a heavier, more sedative strain of cannabis. This strain creates more of a body high, and is recommended for people with insomnia, anxiety, and chronic pain. Indica is what you smoke when you want to spend the day parked on the couch watching Netflix and intermittently napping (aka best day ever). This is due to less THC and more CBD (cannabidiol) a chemical with substantially less psychoactive effects than THC. Oh, and here’s a fun fact about CBD: it could possibly stop cancer cells from growing! Maybe the government should fund some of this research and testing…HAHA, just kidding they can’t do anything.
(via meredithtowbin.com)
You Should Smoke Indica if:
– You want to be high and you have NOTHING to do.
– You just got the complete Daria DVD box set.
– You’re stressed out about the government shut-down.
– You are playing an RPG.
– You’re going to sleep.
– You didn’t go to A-Camp (cheer up, there’s always next year!)
Cannabis Hybrids:
Cannabis hybrids exist because God loves you and wants you to be happy. Hybrids are great for a combination head and body high, and depending on your preference you can enjoy a Sativa-based blend, an Indica-based blend, or an even 50/50 split. Hybrids are quickly becoming a popular choice for both recreational stoners and medical marijuana users. Consider hybrids the Reese’s of the cannabis industry. Two great tastes that taste great together.
(via catbeaversandducks.tumblr.com)
You Should Smoke Hybrids if:
– You enjoy smoking marijuana.
– You enjoy making good life choices.
What do y’all like to smoke? Any strains you are partial to? Share in the comments! I’m currently in a Girl Scout Cookies phase and loving it.
High Femme: Getting My Weed Card in California
Feature image via cbsnews.com
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
I should have put on some eyeliner this morning. That’s the thought racing through my mind as I wait for the doctor to see me. The waiting room is sparse and dingy; about what you’d expect from a clinic located in a Hollywood strip mall. The hard plastic chair holds firm despite my attempts to slouch comfortably. I’ve always felt nervous and uncomfortable around doctors, and this time is no different. I make brief eye contact with the other patients, then quickly look away. I have a knot in my stomach, like a kid waiting outside the principal’s office. But I’m not a kid, and this is not a principal’s office. I’m an adult in the great state of California waiting to get her medical marijuana card.
California is just one of twenty states (and D.C.) that has legalized medical marijuana. It was the first state to do so, in 1996 with the passing of Proposition 215, the California Compassionate Use Act. The proposition was championed by Dennis Peron, a contemporary of Harvey Milk, whose partner Jonathan West was using marijuana to ease the symptoms of AIDS. Two prior legalization bills had passed in state congress, but both were vetoed by California governor Pete Wilson. Despite these setbacks, Proposition 215 passed with barely 56% of the vote, and legalized medical marijuana became a reality in California.
It would almost feel like a normal waiting room, were it not for the tiny security cameras placed on all the walls. Now I definitely feel like I’m in trouble. I snap back to reality as a young guy in scrubs reads my name off a clip board. I follow him back to his office, where he checks my vitals: blood pressure, temperature, a round with the stethoscope. He hands me five pages of medical warnings and side effects that I need to initial, both to warn me and to indemnify him. Everything from “dry mouth”, to “confusion”, to my favorite: “feelings of euphoria”. Sign me up! Granted, there are more ominous side effects on the list, but most of them pale in comparison to the warning labels that appear on prescription drugs. I once took an acne medication that had the potential to cause severe birth defects, and featured an image of an alien-looking fetus on every packet. VERY upsetting for a teenage, acne-riddled virgin such as myself. But I digress.
The paperwork I sign also reminds me that marijuana, even for medical purposes, is illegal under federal law. And if I had a job that required drug testing (like many government jobs do), my employer would be well within their rights not to hire me for a positive drug test. This would be a big problem if I worked for the government or any federal agency. However, since I’m an underemployed writer/marijuana blogger, this is a non-issue. This is only my fourth column, but so far Riese hasn’t asked me to pee in a cup. Yet.
The doctor is soft spoken, with a light accent. He is friendly, but he looks tired. He tells me that his practice is all about working towards legalizing marijuana for everybody. He tells me to stay out of trouble: only smoke indoors, no smoking while driving, and no drinking or mixing other drugs with marijuana. He repeats these three rules several times; I get the feeling he says this a lot.
I look over the lengthy list of ailments: everything from chronic pain to anxiety to migraines, not to mention more serious ailments. Initially, I felt like a fraud sitting in that waiting room. There is nothing seriously wrong with me. Like many aimless twenty-somethings, I wanted the weed card purely for recreational smoking. I wanted the convenience and the higher quality of medical weed. I wanted to smoke carefully measured marijuana dispensed in little orange plastic pill bottles. But as I go over the list, I realize there’s nothing to fake. I suffer from a few items on the list. Have I been unknowingly self-medicating for years? There is nothing seriously wrong with me. But there’s nothing seriously right with me either.
The doctor tells me to fax him some medical information, and asks me to call into the office every 30 days to check in. I’m sure there’s some legal reason for this, but I can’t help but feel like it’s kind of sweet. They usher me into another room, where my photo is taken for my medical ID card. I think about the eyeliner I forgot to wear, and hope that my picture isn’t too terrible. Seventy bucks later and I’m out the door, ID card and certificate in hand. I am now a card-carrying medical marijuana patient.
via sfweekly.com
Thirty days later, I get a phone call from the doctor. He asks me how I’m doing. I briefly consider saying, “still stoned, thanks for asking!” but I settle with a “fine.” He genuinely seems pleased to hear it. And surprisingly, I’m pleased to say it.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” column exists for individual queer ladies to tell their own personal stories and share compelling experiences. These personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
High Femme: You’re On a Smoke Date, Dandelion!
Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
It’s Friday night. Or Monday night. Maybe it’s Tuesday afternoon. I don’t know your life. But that girl you’ve been swooning over is on her way over here. You know, the one who makes you hear strains of “Closer” in your head whenever you look at her? She’s coming over for a hangout. And she’s bringing an eighth of OG Kush. Time to put on a clean shirt and rinse that bong, because you’re on a smoke date, Dandelion!
So excited about this Taco Bell run
Via fanpop.com
Smoke dates can have many advantages. Obviously, you’re relaxed enough in each other’s company to partake in semi-illegal activities together (unless you live in a progressive state and are a card-carrying medical marijuana user). Also, she doesn’t mind spending long periods of time with you. There’s no such thing as a “quick weed break.” Toking up is, by definition, a time-intensive process. You have the awkward small talk, the first spark up, the passing around of the goods before they are cashed out. Then you have the high itself, which will usually ground you for at least an hour, depending on your strain/tolerance. Then of course, there’s the procurement of munchies, and the eating of said munchies. Then probably another joint/blunt/bowl. We’re talking a good four or five episodes of Futurama here, so get comfortable. This might take awhile. But another human being wants to spend that much time with you! High five!
Via rsvlts.com
Music
First, turn off the Bob Marley. This isn’t Freshman year. We all know who shot the sheriff and the deputy too. Just play something mellow in the background or spin Carmen’s mix for smoking.
Talk About
+ Smoking. What you are smoking. Where you got it. How you are smoking it. What your preferences are.
+ ANYTHING pop culture related. Feel free to expound on your theories of Leisha Hailey’s Yoplait commercial, the tragic cancellation of Bomb Girls, or who the fuck A is. Because it’s gotta be Aria, right? I mean, come on.
+ Conspiracy theories! High people are drawn to conspiracy theories like moths to a dubious flame. Is Area 51 an alien think tank? Are the Illuminati running American Apparel? Are Tegan and Sara Quin THE SAME PERSON?
Do Not Talk About
+ Complicated geopolitical problems. Can you really be articulate about the global financial crisis when you’re tripping ovaries? Unless you’re an Aaron Sorkin character, the answer is no. It just took you twenty minutes to figure out how much to tip the pizza delivery guy. Slow your roll.
+ Sad personal stories. It’s awesome that you want to open up to this person. But now is not the best time. Serious stories are for sober moments, and you want their full attention to make sure you’re in a safe space. Also, nobody wants to harsh their buzz.
Recommended Viewing
Too Cute! Puppies is a real show that exists because America. It’s just puppies running around. It’s basically what plays in my head on a constant loop when I zone out. It’s possibly the greatest thing that has ever existed ever.
Cartoons: Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy, Bob’s Burgers, Archer (Pam!).
Youtube videos of cats. EASY ENOUGH.
Honorable Mentions
The greatest Beyonce fan video of all time.
I love this video so much I want to marry it. I want it playing in the delivery room when I birth my children. I want it playing on a fixed loop on my tombstone like an eternal flame. This video completes me.
The Only Party Trick You Need
Shotgun Kissby Megan Allard
Via megan-allard.deviantart.com
Ah, the time honored tradition of shotgunning aka the blow back. It’s silly, it’s sexy and it gets your mouth in very close proximity to her mouth. Shotgunning is a gateway drug to making out. Your basic shotgun is where Person A inhales and breathes the smoke into Person B’s mouth. Pretty simple.
Now for the advanced smoker: Person A takes the joint (WARNING: this only works with a joint!) and puts the lit end in their mouth. Person B then sucks on the other end while Person A blows. This has the effect of making Person A seem like a fearless, fire-swallowing badass. Just don’t lick the burning end, kids. Some of us learned that the hard way.
And Finally
Make sure to stay safe. Smoke within your limits. Don’t pressure your date or feel pressured to smoke more than you want to. Cannabis consent is sexy. And make sure everyone has a safe ride home and a soft place to crash. Because stoned cuddles? The best kind of cuddles.
High Femme: A History Lesson on the Original Pot Brownie and How to Make Them
Calling all Homoganjas!Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Welcome to the second installment of High Femme. Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
Homoganjas, are you hungry? Then let’s talk about pot brownies, the gooey, gateway snack we all know and love. For many of us, the pot brownie was our first foray into the world of edibles (aka foods and beverages containing marijuana). Other names for pot brownies include but are not limited to: hash brownies, space cakes, special brownies, green blondies and “WTF, how did my bra end up on the ceiling fan?”
via potbrownies.com
But why is the brownie such a popular vehicle for getting cannabis into our bellies? (and then into our blood streams, right? Is that how the human body works? I might not be a doctor, you guys). For starters, the rich denseness of brownies help mask the scent and flavor of the cannabis, which can range anywhere from “kinda skunky” to “tastes like lawn furniture.” Maybe it’s because there is something whimsical and almost sacrilegious about corrupting everyone’s favorite all American snack cake. We sell them at bake sales. We bake them with our mothers. We even named baby girl scouts after them! Pot brownies are a subversive classic akin to spiked punch at senior prom.
Back in 1960’s, pot brownies were often known as “Alice B. Toklas brownies”. You may know Alice B. Toklas (or Alice B. TokeMORE, am I right ladies?) as the faithful longtime love of renowned writer and modernist patron Gertrude Stein. You may also know her as the namesake of America’s first LGBT democratic club. I like to think of her as the cool, lesbian Jewish grandmother we all wish we had. Toklas also rocked a full mustache decades before JD Samson, so she was obviously amazing.
TKO, turning on your Victrola
via gertudeandalice.com
When Gertrude Stein died in 1946, she left her art collection and much of her estate to Toklas. However, since their relationship was not recognized legally (BOTP), Stein’s relatives took possession of the estate, leaving Toklas broke and alone. To make ends meet, she wrote The Alice B. Toklas Cookbook. The book was a collection of stories, memories, and recipes from Toklas and her friends. The most famous recipe was not written by Toklas herself, but recommended by her friend Brion Gysin: Haschich Fudge, aka the original pot brownie.
Not surprisingly, this recipe caused great panic with Harpers, the American publisher of the book. It was removed from the original U.S. printing, but the scandal surrounding it helped to make the book a massive success. The Alice B. Toklas Cookbook was not only one of the best selling cookbooks of the 1950’s. The recipe for haschich fudge became world famous and introduced a generation to cannabis infused edibles. It even birthed the popular slang term for taking a hit of marijuana that we call a “toke”, after Ms. Toklas herself.
via amazon.com
Because I am a hard-hitting investigative journalist/constantly trying to justify my Communication major, I decided to recreate this recipe myself and document my findings. This presented a unique challenge, as I am someone who can barely make regular brownies. Seriously, I either burn the crap out of them or somehow congeal them into a giant boulder-sized ball that would be more at home chasing Indiana Jones out of a temple. But I’m not one to shy away from a challenge, so let’s rock this bitch!
Let’s take a look at the original recipe:
HASCHICH FUDGE
(which anyone could whip up on a rainy day)This is the food of paradise — of Baudelaire’s Artificial Paradises: it might provide an entertaining refreshment for a Ladies’ Bridge Club or a chapter meeting of the DAR.
Or a pantless marathon of Degrassi. YOU DO YOU.
A quick look into my pantry reveals pretzel chips and on-the-go peanut butter packets. Luckily, I am rescued by my big sister, who is an accomplished baker/crafter/heterosexual. She has all the necessary ingredients, except the marijuana. She is a straight edge tee-totaler, but graciously allows me into her home to conduct my half baked experiment.
All the ingredients you need minus the cannabis.
Ingredients:
Take 1 teaspoon black peppercorns, 1 whole nutmeg, 4 average sticks of cinnamon, 1 teaspoon coriander. These should all be pulverised in a mortar.
A mortar? As in a mortar and pestle? This is some Laura Ingalls Wilder bullshit that I am not prepared for. Luckily, my sister actually has a mortar and pestle! Of course she does. She also has a weaving loom, embroidery hoops, and various other Renaissance princess paraphernalia.
The Pulverizer.
True story you guys: using a mortar and pestle takes major upper body strength! Or I am a total weakling. I pound away at a particularly stubborn cinnamon stick that refuses to be ground up. My sister suggests I use her Cuisinart, but I’m doing it like Alice did it, goddammit. I end up with what looks like a bowl of ground up tree bark. What’s next?
About a handful each of stoned dates, dried figs, shelled almonds and peanuts: chop these and mix them together.
Easy enough! Side question: does dried fruit expire? I mean, I know it’s fruit, so obviously it expires, but it’s dried to keep for a long time…what’s the end date to this stuff? My sister looks at me like I’m an idiot. I might be an idiot. Moving on.
A bunch of Cannabis sativa can be pulverised. This along with the spices should be dusted over the mixed fruit and nuts, kneaded together.
Adding the magic!
Kneading this tree bark is hurting my hands. I fleetingly wonder if this will jack up my new manicure. There’s a reason this column is not called “Stoned Butches”.
About a cup of sugar dissolved in a big pat of butter.
Finally! Sugar and butter is a combo I can get behind. It’s basically the root of all deliciousness. I take my best guess at what a “pat” of butter looks like and get to mixing.
Rolled into a cake and cut into pieces or made into balls about the size of a walnut, it should be eaten with care. Two pieces are quite sufficient.
Hold the fucking phone. I’m no expert, but shouldn’t this recipe involve baking of some sort? I re-read the recipe to see if I missed something. Nope. No baking instructions whatsoever. WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO VAGUE, ALICE. B.? Maybe I should put this in the microwave for one minute and fifteen seconds…that’s what I do with everything I eat and it usually works. Great, now I have a HOT PLATE OF GARBAGE.
WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO VAGUE, ALICE. B.?
My sister notes that there is no chocolate or cocoa in the recipe at all. Also, there is no binding agent to hold this crap together, which means I’m left with a plate of sandy-looking spices and dried fruits. “I really don’t think you should eat that,” says my sister. I am left with what my mother would call “shit on a shingle.” Yeah, that about sums it up. An hour of careful assembling, grinding, kneading and mixing yields essentially a plate of cracked out squirrel food and a lifetime ban from my sister’s kitchen. Mission accomplished?
While Toklas’s haschich fudge recipe may not hold up against the modern edible (or anything edible) as we know it, it is still a fascinating footnote in queer and cannabis history. It also reminded me to stick with what I know: fucking up box-made brownies like a modern woman.
Via tumblr.com
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” column exists for individual queer ladies to tell their own personal stories and share compelling experiences. These personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
High Femme: Queer Cannabis Culture and Edibles
Calling all Homoganjas!Let’s talk about anything and everything marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.
Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.
Header by Rory Midhani
Recently, I experienced an honest to goodness marijuana-induced epiphany. A real one, mind you, not a stoned whim like cookie dough cake or selling bagels outside my dorm room window to pay for school books. (Although I think there’s definitely something to that cake idea — will workshop it later.)
I was sitting in the vintage common room of a lovely fellow Straddler I had met on a few different occasions. She shared a rambling, ancient house with several other people in downtown Los Angeles, and though I’m several years out of college, I still appreciate the low-key, hippyish vibe of a co-op. The Straddler had started having a weekly series of hangouts where queers would get together to drink, smoke and talk. Sometimes there were board games, other times there were dance parties.
But back to my epiphany. As I exhaled, it struck me that my queerness and my love of marijuana were connected. Not just connected but woven together, like the ninth grade hemp bracelet that got me sent to detention. At the time, it seemed like a major violation of my First Amendment rights (as most things seem to a 14-year-old girl). I mean, I was just wearing the bracelet. There were girls in my grade who smoked theirs!
One girl in particular, who I’ll call Missy, didn’t just smoke her hemp bracelet. She smoked lawn grass and tree bark; she even smoked oregano one time, which she claimed gave her a “wicked high.” She had greasy hair and Doc Martens, which immediately meant she was the coolest person I knew. She was also my first girl kiss, and couched in the pretense of a dare, she pressed her teeth against mine. It was quick, clumsy and tasted like smoke and rebellion.
Weed continued to hang around my budding queerness; it followed me to college, where it lingered around poetry slams and straight girl flirtations. Weed played a prominent role in losing my girl-ginity to a fellow smoker. It also served to embarrass me, when I did edibles with the same girl and got so high I couldn’t find her vagina. Couldn’t. Find. Her. Vagina. Amazingly, not only did she continue to have sex with me, but she still talks to me to this day. Weed and women seemed to occupy the same side of my personality I desperately didn’t want people to know about. That clandestine, hidden away part of me that I felt was broken and unfixable. Because nice Jewish girls weren’t supposed to smoke weed or sleep with women. Or at least that’s what I thought.
When I came out of the closet/hot box, things started to change. Being queer wasn’t some secret identity I had to be ashamed of. I told one person. Then two. Then everyone. The dam had burst and the word was out: this girl likes girls and ganja! I felt the walls of my own making crumble around me and I embraced myself for who I was. Hallelujah. I was home.
Via howtogrowbud.com
There’s a few small sites of kinship between the fight for marijuana rights and LGBT rights. Both issues are still ignored and mistreated by the federal government, who would rather put the onus on individual states. And both issues are often the victims of poorly worded, deliberately confusing campaigns of misinformation and misrepresentation.
But the tide of public opinion changes slowly but steadily. That’s why marijuana culture and politics are important to discuss, and the more we open these doors and let the smoke out (or in) the less threatening and mysterious these issues become.
Consider this column a key hole through which we can fall into a larger discussion of pot politics, smoking (hot) queers, hemp herstory and the like. So refresh your bong water, clean out your pipe, and bust out your rolling papers. You’re about to join a big queer online smoke circle. Take a seat and relax, we’ve been expecting you.
Where NOT To Be When Edibles Kick In
Even the most seasoned marijuana user will tell you that edibles — like straight girls and Southern weather — are fickle. Sometimes they wash over you gently like a calm tropical breeze. Other times, they knock you on your ass so hard you fall asleep for six hours and come to cuddling someone else’s cat. Then you will wake up more fully and realize you are not in your apartment. You’re in a barn and that cat you are cuddling is a baby goat. But she’s here, so we may as well give her a name. How about Doobie?
Because edibles hit everyone differently, there is no surefire way of knowing when the high is going to kick in. It could be ten minutes after you ate that brownie, or it could be 45 minutes before the after effects of your weed-infused kale salad kick into gear.
For this reason, if you are doing edibles, make a plan for yourself. If you are going to stay at home watching cartoons, then congratulations. You know how to do edibles. If you are going to see the New Kids On The Block/Backstreet Boys reunion show, then make sure you have a sober friend there to shuttle you to and from the concert and keep an eye on your tripping ass.
The following are the top ten places you do NOT want to be when the edibles kick in. Write these down in the margins of your Alice B. Toklas Cook Book and try to avoid them at all costs.
1. An avant-garde experimental theater production of Bertolt Brecht’s Mother Courage and her Children.
2. A serious discussion about the future of your relationship (marriage, kids, joint bank accounts and puppies) with your sober significant other.
3. Up to your knees in mud in the middle of a dried up lake because you thought it was a shortcut to that amazing house party.
4. Mother’s Day brunch at the Sheraton while explaining why you changed your college major from Engineering to Philosophy. Also, you are wearing a silk dress shirt from Banana Republic that highlights (hehe, high) your sweat stains.
5. Defending your dissertation on the benefits of medical marijuana usage before a board of professors and your peers.
6. Trapped on the treadmill at the gym because you forgot how to get off the damn thing. It’s just you, the pounding of your sneakers, and that Road Rules marathon on the gym TV.
7. Meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time at the church Sunday social. Did I mention you are meeting them as one of her “friends”? She specifically asked you not to mention any gay stuff but suddenly you need to know everyone’s theories on who shot Jenny from the grassy knoll. That’s how that thing happened, right pastor? Silk dress shirt makes a repeat appearance.
8. Watching The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. You will be paranoid and inappropriate, but think that people can’t hear you because of your “locked-in syndrome”.
9. During your pitch proposal in the board meeting when you decided to beef up your Power Point presentation with music from Ani DiFranco and star sweeps between each slide.
10. When you run into your totally together ex-girlfriend at Ralph’s shopping for organic tomatoes with her cute new girlfriend. Cute new girlfriend looks clean and her clothes are definitely ironed. You are braless, wearing a Ninja Turtles cutoff tee, and buying three different kinds of white chocolate.
And as a bonus, four words, one great place to be when the edibles kick in:
PEDRO. ALMODOVAR. MOVIE. MARATHON. You’ll thank me later.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” column exists for individual queer ladies to tell their own personal stories and share compelling experiences. These personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.