You Need Help: Balancing Financial Security and Moral Bankruptcy

Q:

At some point about two years ago I basically went to sleep as a 30 something married, heterosexual, stay-at-home mom with financial security and woke up an angsty, gay teenager in an anarchy t-shirt looking for a fight and some weed; ready to light everything on fire.

There was more to it, but you get the idea. Big shifts.

I’m rebuilding my life as a single gay mom while healing from trauma and just trying to make ends meet.

I want to be secure (financially and emotionally) for me and for my kids in a world I generally don’t agree with, want to rebel against, and feel like a total alien in. I do not want to give my time and labor to something I don’t feel connected to. I want to be passionate about the work I do and feel like it’s something positive for the world but I feel directionless.

Any gay advice you can give is super appreciated. xo

A:

An important starting point here is to acknowledge the things you’ve already done that stand in the face of the compromised world we live in. You had a life that many people would say was “secure,” and yet you confronted the ways in which that life wasn’t serving you, was even hurting you, and that you deserved so much more. You shouldn’t diminish the tremendous value of living life on your own terms because of the example you’re setting for all the people around you — most of all your kids.

I can understand why that might not feel like enough. I’m of the belief that there is, unfortunately, no way to live a life that isn’t complicit in the moral bankruptcy of the world. Examine any action and you’ll find that it supports something utterly heartbreaking. This is particularly true when it comes to securing our livelihoods. If you stay in an organization long enough, you’ll start to question how committed it is to its mission over its funders and whose lives are being sacrificed to make it all happen. Which is why I think it’s important to acknowledge what you’re already doing because there is no truly satisfactory answer to the question of “how do I live by my values in this fucked up world?”

That doesn’t mean you should give up, though. If you haven’t yet, define what financial security actually means for you. I mean concretely – as in, what are the numbers? If you’re not sure, start by tracking your expenses assiduously for three to four months. A number of online services can make this easier. Or if, like me, you’re wary of giving your financial information to third parties you can do it the old-fashioned way with a spreadsheet and your bank and credit card statements. (I make a note on my phone when I use cash.) This will be tedious and time consuming, but it’s worth it. With your spending data, you can quantify the income you need to cover basic living expenses and things you and your kids enjoy.

Be sure to factor in savings because they will increase your financial security and make risks feel more approachable. There are countless resources on how much you should be setting aside each month for emergencies and your and your kids’ futures; talking to a financial planner can also be helpful. This might feel daunting initially, but putting concrete monthly targets around your savings will allow you to work towards building sufficient savings and see how much flexibility you have with your income. Of course, savings are the literal fuel that the capitalist, white supremacist machine burns to keep running. I really don’t think there’s an alternative, though. Using a credit union can mitigate some of the damage, but the challenge is finding a convenient one. (I’m still waiting for Superbia to launch.)

Putting all this together, you can calculate the salary you need to live comfortably and save. That’s half the information you’ll need to explore your job options.

The harder part is managing that sense of feeling “directionless.” One approach is to work on making your current job more aligned with your values. A few ways to do this include: making sure under-represented groups (particularly Black and Latinx people, trans people, and people with disabilities) have a voice in important conversations, encouraging supervisors to examine their problematic assumptions, and pushing hiring and retention managers to follow practices that promote diversity and inclusion. This can be incredibly frustrating work, but it is critical and necessary in every organization.

But maybe it’s just time to do something new. If you’re struggling to decide on your next professional move, take stock of the things that you’ve done so far, whether or not it was in the context of a paid job, and reflect on what you liked and didn’t. You can also use this exercise to make a list of things you’ve always wanted to try. Talk to people you trust who can help you identify strengths you take for granted. Using those reflections, start looking at jobs that are more aligned with your values and interests. They might feel out of reach, but I promise you that is the gendered bullshit of the world whispering in your ear. My friends always tell me to do informational interviews with people in organizations I’m interested in because that can help you learn more about the field and build your network. I also hate talking to strangers, so I get that this isn’t for everyone.

You might find that the most fulfilling-sounding jobs are completely impractical: they pay too little and expect too much work on your own time. This is the sad reality of the capitalist nightmare we call life. In that case, look for jobs that aren’t exactly your dream job and are “only” somewhat morally questionable but meet your salary requirements and give you enough time outside of work to pursue the things you care about.

Don’t forget that money is the driving force of our world. Buying from ethical organizations owned and operated by people from under-represented groups may help you feel like more of your resources are going to things you believe in. This also has no real endpoint so pick what feels possible within the confines of your budget.

Finally, remember that doing “something positive for the world” is a constantly moving target. Everything I’ve suggested comes with some unfortunate tradeoff. You may find that one approach feels good for a while, but after a few years you’re ready to move on to something else. Be kind to yourself — recognize all the things you’re doing — as you continue fighting for a better world.

Gaby Dunn’s “Bad With Money” Will Make You Love Talking About Finance

If you’ve ever felt super duper freaking overwhelmed by money and like personal finance advice was not meant for people “like you,” whatever that means, you need to run and preorder Gaby Dunn’s Bad With Money: The Imperfect Art of Getting Your Financial Sh*t Together. Like, go. Now. I’ll wait.

This book would have saved me many, many hours of deep internet research when I was trying to teach myself about personal finance. The sixteen chapters cover everything you’d expect in a financial advice book from credit cards (Chapter 8: Imaginary Money) to student loan debt (Chapter 3: The Neck Tattoo of the Financial World) to dating and relationship spending (Chapter 11: My Love Don’t Cost a Thing) to retirement saving [Chapter 14: Plan (Michael B(ay)].

It also covers topics that you might not expect, but that are really, really important for all of us to know — like why financial advice gurus are maybe just selling you a capitalism-fueled crock of shit (Chapter 9: A Fad Diet for Your Wallet), the gritty reality of freelancing and side hustles (Chapter 5: #Freelancelyfe), how your family history impacts the narrative we all internalize about money (Chapter 1: Your Roots are Showing), and how mental health and stigma and spending intersect (Chapter 7: Bipolar II: The Sequel).

There’s so much more. What stands out to me even more than how many distinct and important topics are packed into 265 pages, though, is the lens through which Dunn writes. You may be familiar with Gaby Dunn from A-Camp (which gets a shout-out in the book along with a list of current and former Autostraddle staff) or from Gaby’s writing on Autostraddle or from Gaby’s many projects — including the BAD WITH MONEY podcast, which became one of the top 10 podcasts on iTunes within a week of its launch. Dunn’s writing has appeared everywhere from Playboy to The New York Times to Jezebel and many other places, has a gazillion followers on every platform and about a million other publishing and vlogging and podcasting and writing trophies in her glittery trophy cabinet.

What I appreciate about Dunn in everything she writes and creates and produces is how earnest and hilarious and smart and intersectional she is. She brings all of that to Bad With Money. It’s a book for everyone, but particularly Millenials and Gen Z, who are trying to make something out of the damn recession we inherited. It’s a book that’s for queer people, though it’s not branded specifically as a queer or feminist book.

The queer lens is threaded throughout the book, whether it’s Gaby’s casual references to her dating life as a queer feminist with a radical point of view or the way she makes sure to start from a place of unpacking the ways capitalism privileges white, straight, currently able people before moving into a chapter on savings and retirement. It’s the way she gently takes down the way that neoliberal middle-class narratives around money often stigmatize poor people instead of focusing on the real enemy: rich people who benefit most from capitalism.

It’s the way Dunn makes room for you to find your own truth, rather than offering up disingenuous “simple” advice. In many places, she allows for more than one possible truth, which is just the queerest way of approaching any situation. For example, she gives you the info you need on common budgeting theories and then admits she doesn’t really use any of them in a pure sense in her daily life.

Bad With Money is unabashedly queer because Dunn is unabashedly queer. It’s the first time I’ve encountered financial advice anywhere (except in articles I’ve written for Autostraddle) that really spoke to me on my level. It was for me and it wasn’t here for BS or shaming or victim-blaming.

In the first chapter of the book, Gaby tells the story of her first episode of the Bad With Money podcast, during which she asked patrons (and one barista) to answer two questions: First, what’s your favorite sex position? Everyone answered that question willingly. The second, how much money is in your bank account? People were uncomfortable. “That’s a very personal question,” they said. That’s the problem with money; we don’t talk about it. We all worry about it and we all pretend that we’re just fine when we’re actually very not fine. We try to deal with it alone and feel bad and ashamed if we need help and yikes, it’s a cycle I know too well.

It’s also a personal question in that, like, money is this really personal thing all tied up in systemic inequities and multiple interconnected identities. This is the book that will help you overcome your struggle with talking about or understanding personal finance. It is a mix of very practical educational information (like what is a Roth IRA v. traditional IRA) and very personal stories and hilarious anecdotes. It’s a fun book… about finance? Dunn isn’t here to judge you. She’s here to help. Unlike popular finance websites and “gurus” who claim to have all the answers, Dunn is right there in the struggle with the rest of us. It’s not simple, she admits, and she’s still working on it herself.

Bad With Money: The Imperfect Art of Getting Your Financial Sh*t Together comes out on January 1, 2019 from Atria Books and you can preorder it right now! Seriously, you will love this book and then probably loan it to a queer friend who will also love it. I look forward to dismantling capitalism and also thriving in this crumbling economy with all of you!

Monday Roundtable: Hey Bad Spender

We’ve been talking about Bad Behavior for the past couple of weeks and this time we’re talking about how we’re bad with money. Our staff dishes on purchases that make them feel the worst, horrible spending habits, and all the ways the rent is too damn high.

What’s something you spend money on but you feel guilty about it because somebody of your income level should probably not spend money on this thing? Why do you do it?

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Al(aina), Staff Writer

I feel guilty about literally all of my spending. I live alone, I have wifi and cable, I pay for Netflix and Hulu, I buy lunch more often than I should (there are TWO Chick-fil-a’s on my campus, what else am I supposed to do??). I make around $13K a year and take out around $35K in loans a year; I should be saving as much money as possible. But here’s the thing: I am happy-ish. I know that I feel safe in my home, I don’t have to sit in silence, and I’m eating during the day (when otherwise I wouldn’t). I spend my money in a way I know I shouldn’t because right now, that’s what I need. I don’t think I’d make it through grad school any other way, and when you’re broke, it’s harder to think about the future. I can be good enough right now, and honestly, that’s all I have the capacity to think about.

Alexis, Staff Writer

This is the best question because for once I can say EVERYTHING! I feel guilty about spending money for food, transportation, therapy, books, a nice night out, educational shit, apps, games, everything!!! And once I hit a manic phase: WATCH OUT! Off the top of my head, during those phases I’ve bought: a Wacom tablet, a POCKET C.H.I.P. (FROM CHINA), 10+ books, courses that I’m 900% sure I’ll take and will definitely change my life/move me into a better tax bracket but like don’t, binders that don’t fit, and comics and video games. Literally the only thing that doesn’t feel out of my league spending wise is donating/buying gifts for people I love. But don’t worry, feeling guilty is like one of my main character traits, so I definitely don’t feel like I’ll be stopping any time soon. I’m a real fun time y’all.

Heather Hogan, Senior Editor

I’ve always spent too much money on video games. When I was a freelance writer struggling to buy groceries and put gas in my car, I’d still happily drop $60 on whatever new open world RPG and just eat Hot Pockets for the next two weeks. HOT POCKETS. (I wrote that in all caps because of the TV jingle.) I’m more responsible about it now, but to this day I start itching if I walk past a GameStop. Video games have always been my main source of escape, from the time I got an Atari 2600 in 1984 until the time right now when I have a Nintendo Switch and I don’t have to think about Donald Trump being president when I’m smashing bokoblins and lizalfos. Super healthy!

Erin, Staff Writer

This is going to sound way more dire that it actually is, but food/drinks when I’m going out. When you’re at a bar with a DJ spinning a vinyl of like, the Beastie Boys or whatever, no one needs to be spending $18 for an okay glass of wine in that kind of environment. But sometimes you really do find yourself spending $18 for an okay glass of wine next to a man in a graphic tee while a DJ plays Beastie Boys on vinyl. I think I’m willing to do this (even though in every other area of my life I’m very quick to abstain from something if I don’t think it’s worth it) because I’m constantly aware that death awaits us all and I’m more inclined to want to heighten an experience if I can. Thank you for your time.

Yvonne Marquez, Senior Editor

I want to say food but I never feel guilty for spending $$$$ on a quality meal. I will gladly throw down $50 on an A+ meal complete with an appetizer, a main course and dessert. Food is my absolute favorite thing in the world and I love sharing it with people I love. I don’t mind spending my money on a delicious meal because I’m paying for an experience. My five senses are engaged and I’m investing time into relationships with my partner or friends or family. It’s beautiful. But I know very well I should be eating beans at home. I get bummed out when the food is subpar and then that’s the only time I regret my purchase and wish I could take it back!

Another thing I spend an outrageous amount of money is my hair! My hair cut and balayage is expensive af but I want my hair to look good. It’s like $225 plus tip for a cut and redoing my balayage and girl, I shouldn’t be spending that type of money. But I do it anyways because I want to feel good and look good. I want to be a trendy queer and have good hair even though I only leave my house to go to Trader Joe’s and walk my dog. I rarely style it but when I do I take all the Instagram selfies, duh. Also I really like my hair stylist and the money goes straight to her and not the salon she works at and my reasoning behind paying her an insane amount is that I’m putting money back into my community. So there’s that!

Rachel, Managing Editor

The biggest ticket item, if we’re being totally honest, is rent — when I moved out of the home I shared with my ex last year I made the decision to find a one-bedroom and live alone, even though it’s definitely a stretch on my income. I had just missed living alone so much, and even though the responsible thing to do would have been to find a roommate, having a roommate as a 30-year-old divorcée sounded sad to me (no judgement! just, you know, feeling insecure about where my life is at) and living alone in a one-bedroom I love as a 30-year-old, drinking box wine in a houserobe, sounded great. And I was right; it is great! It’s just also kind of expensive (relatively, I do live in the Midwest).

As far as a pattern of behavior, I think the thing I have the worst self-restraint about is… buying treats and things for other people? I don’t really want to think about what kind of weird codependent mother hen impulse it comes from, but if I’m meeting a friend for drinks it is like almost physically impossible for me not to just cover the whole bill; if someone I love had a bad day I will absolutely use my last $20 to order them a pizza when I’m still five days out from getting paid. This sounds like humblebragging but I swear to god it is not! This is a really stupid impulse and probably comes from some really dumb places of like basing my entire self-worth on how much I can provide to and for other people! I am in debt!!!

Riese Bernard, Editor-in-Chief

Postmates. It takes only the slightest tip of a to-do list from manageable to slightly challenging or the smallest unexpected mid-day time-sucker for me to justify ordering in. I love cooking breakfast, lunch has never held much interest for me in general (I prefer a series of aimless snacks consumed between 12 noon and 7pm), but dinner… I deeply desire a good dinner, but… I do not want to make it.

[Sidenote: I accidentally didn’t skip two weeks of Blue Apron recently (I know I should just cancel the membership altogether, which I only got in the first place b/c my then-gf and I were gonna do Whole 30 and they had a Whole 30 situation, but I cannot bring myself to) and found I genuinely looked forward to making those dinners. So maybe it’s not cooking I dislike, it’s eating the uninspired meals I usually cook? Also, I recently mentioned that I was happy to discover Blue Apron meals work just as well for one person as they do for the advertised two people, and then Kristin was like “yeah, ’cause then you have one serving to save for the next day” and I was like “oh, no, I mean like, because I eat 1.75 servings myself and then save the leftover meat for Carol.” And I got a lot of blank stares so IDK maybe there’s something deeply wrong with me, like a tapeworm.]

Still, ordering dinner saves me time when I need it, which is most of the time — I work a lot, more than any one person should, and I like to hoard the hours I don’t work to spend with friends. Also there are so many delicious restaurants within a four-mile radius of my apartment and people I’d like to overtip to bring it to me!

[Sidenote #2: If I’m being 100% honest, I occasionally order Postmates for meals besides dinner. Listen, for two years I lived in a giant house in the country and there was only one place, a gas station pizza parlor, that was willing to deliver to me! So now I’m… honestly there’s no excuse…]

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, Staff Writer

Oh god I spend so much money on food. Look, I know food is a necessity in life and not something that you should feel guilty about paying for, but when I tell you I spend a lot of money on food… trust me… it’s a problem. In particular, since I live in New York, I spend a LOT of money on having food delivered to me. Fun Fact: It’s pretty easy to discern when I’m depressed based on my Postmates order history. But even when I’m not having food brought to me by kind strangers, I still spend a lot of money on food — whether I’m eating out or cooking elaborate meals. I know how to eat on the cheap when I really need to, but I’m irresponsible when it comes to my food budget more often than not.

Archie, Comic Artist

I’m an indulger, I LOVE to indulge myself. In like, anything really. I think it’s probably because I’m a Taurus? It’s definitely not because I’ve got the money, that’s for sure. Anyways, I’ve always indulged myself in a lot of ways with a lot of vices and I’ve always refused to feel guilty about it. Capitalism makes us think one thing is more worthy than another or that if you’re broke you should only spend money on the necessaries. And yah, obviously one needs to survive first, but we gotta live too! And usually that’s how I excuse my habit of eating out a lot and wanting to get “a drink” at the end of every shift. But probably the most frivolous way I spend money is on books. I will buy at least two *NEW* books a month. And I don’t even feel bad about it because I love supporting authors and supporting local bookstores but also damn, get a library card! When I was working as a server I used to joke about how THIS was my retirement plan, I’d get old and open a lil used bookstore out of my house where I sell niche fiction and non-fiction LGBTQ books and there wouldn’t even be one book by a cishet man in the house. I’ve also spent like HUNDREDS of dollars I didn’t really have (at the time) on old lesbian pulp fiction and I dunno. I have a feeling this retirement plan isn’t actually financially secure. They sure look real pretty on my shelf though.

Laneia, Executive Editor

I try to be VERY frugal and stick to this tight-ass budget, which usually only allows for one restaurant/take-out party each month, and matinees only when we have gift cards, and one or two new shirts for the kids. I put money back each week so we can make a major purchase in April 2019. Like, I’m dedicated to this budget and to being good at money. So I was struggling to think of something I’m buying that’s kind of out of my league; an unnecessary thing that only serves me. Whenever I do spend money on myself, I have such buyer’s remorse that it’s almost not worth it, so I try to avoid feeling that way!

At first I was going to say that I probably spend too much money on ingredients for cooking, because I love to cook and I especially love to cook new things that these weirdos haven’t eaten before and which call for ingredients I don’t yet own!! The first two weeks after payday, please do get entirely out of my way in this kitchen, because I have many, many new things to create! It’s gonna take hours and lots of money! Wheeee!

But then, friends, I went to my hairdresser last week and when it was time to pay, I thought ah yes, this is the thing. It started out being a transitional color/cut situation, on my way to an extremely close buzzcut in time for summer. Then A-Camp happened, and everyone was SO NICE and SO EXCITED about my hair! I’ve never received so many compliments in my LIFE. Lizz Rubin was even like, “You can’t ever go back. This is you.” So now I’m still getting my hair bleached and toned, and I really, truly don’t ever want to stop! It is me! It’s the most flattering haircut and color I’ve ever had. It makes me like my own reflection! But y’all, I can’t believe how much money I’ve spent to make my hair this color, and then to keep it this color. It’s INSANE. So that’s my thing: the blonde hair on top of my head. Long may she live, I hope.

Valerie Anne, Staff Writer

I just keep saying yes to DOING things. From things as small as dinner or as big as going to Minnesota (?!) for a one-show-only con. (And I mean, it’s a Wynonna Earp con! So I’m very excited! But I think maybe my FOMO shouldn’t be stronger than my will to be able to pay rent on time every month.) The idiots at Capital One gave me a second credit card and I’m just like “Oh yeah sure I can do that” because I have room on it without any thought about how or when I’ll pay it off. I don’t make nearly enough money to be traveling so much!! I think the thing is, I lived paycheck to paycheck for so long, there were times when I was paying that overdraft fee two or three times a month at least, weeks were it was ramen for lunch, ramen for dinner every night. So now that I am in a more stable place, I act like I’m rich, buying campfire-scented candles in the middle of summer, throwing money at a reusable straw kickstarter that isn’t even sending product until November, tipping waitstaff 30% or more even if they were just average at being a waiter, buying whatever t-shirt strikes my fancy on Redbubble because there’s money in my PayPal account and if it’s not in my Bank of America account yet it doesn’t count. According to Gaby Dunn’s podcast Bad With Money, I have “poor person thinking” and it’s all my parents’ fault. I’m not nearly as bad as I used to be — I actually have a spreadsheet now that helps me keep track of upcoming automatic student loan payments — but the closest thing to a savings account I have is the exact amount of money my roommate pays monthly in rent tucked away so if she abandons me on a whim like my last two roommates did, I can cover a month and not have to borrow money from my mother. And part of me thinks probably I should have a proper savings account but also part of me thinks the world is ending anyway so might as well have fun while it lasts. I have a feeling someday I’ll regret that my credit score is shit. But until then I’ll see you in Minnesota. And Toronto. And maybe LA.

Alyssa Andrews, Comic Artist

I’m not into *things*. I don’t really online shop, or drop hundreds of dollars going out all the time. I’m pretty frugal with my cash. However! my monthly coffee budget… is in the triple digits. Like, higher than my grocery budget. It’s disgusting. And it’s not just the drinking of the coffee, it’s the ritual of *buying* it. I find excuses to get out of the house and buy that delicious cup of what-will-inevitably-give-me-the-shakes (almost) every. single. day.

I couldn’t tell you what it is exactly that makes me do it, but honestly — if I had to really process it with myself, it’s just a small luxury that I feel like I earn. I work constantly. Like, seven days a week I am hustling to track down jobs and drawing until my hands are sometimes literally cracking and bleeding — and I’m still (like everyone else) barely scraping by in getting my bills paid and feeding myself. It’s one of those little treats that I do for myself and fund little by little every day under the guise that I just deserve to have some of my hard earned cash go directly into making my days feel a bit nicer.

Also, TBH I’ve never really sat down thinking about just how much that five dollars a day adds up until… like now. So there’s that.

Cameron, Comic Artist

I don’t wear a whole lot of makeup, but I own a lot of it. It makes no sense. This is where my Sag Sun and Taurus Rising run wild. Every five or six months, I’ll go through a very short but hard-burning period of “What if I were the kind of person who wears make-up? What if I looked like I cared about my appearance? What if that’s who Future Cameron is?” Then I buy a very, very tame eyeshadow set & other tame items from Urban Decay, which is not celebrated for its tame looks.

“Why Urban Decay,” you might ask, “Aren’t they expensive?” Reader, yes, they are very expensive! But I used their stuff once and liked it and trying something else seems like a risk. The way the math works out for me is: I’m going to spend this money and I’m going to do it because I’ve decided that make-up will fix an unrelated problem that, in reality, requires work to fix. I won’t realize how ridiculous this entire charade is until I’ve gotten it out of my system.

I’ve gotten better about this lately, really. Or, I mean, I’ve branched out beyond makeup but I’ve ALSO reined in my impulse buys by (finally) regularly using a spreadsheet for budgeting. Now when I’m feeling like a superficial change will fix a persistent life-problem, I put things into an online shopping cart and stare at them for a while… Then I look at my spreadsheet and delete everything in the cart because I like not starving more than I like metallic eyeliner that I’ll never use. I really do wish I’d had this spreadsheet before I imprinted on a cologne last year though, because I’m 100% going to use it ’til I die. I’ll have no money to leave my loved ones but my corpse will smell amazing.

Carrie Wade, Staff Writer

I order food from elsewhere more often than I probably should. Breakfast and/or morning coffee are the main offenders. I’m somehow always rushed in the morning no matter how early I wake up; it’s gotten worse since I moved to the East Coast because my commute is more involved, but has kind of been a problem for the past few years (despite the fact that I’m a morning person by nature). So I often end up forgoing breakfast in my own home in favor of getting it on the way to work. I think it’s because I’m obsessed with being early/terrified of being late to anything (especially my job). If I feel like I’m skirting that line in the morning, breakfast and coffee will be the first to drop from the routine, because I always know I can get them on the other end. I work in a business district, so there’s no shortage of options, and thus the cycle continues. It’s so unnecessary, too, because I’m a good cook! But my sense of upstanding obligation kind of cancels that out in the mornings right now. I’m working on it.

Carmen, Staff Writer

My most honest answer to this is: ANYTIME I SPEND MONEY IS WHEN I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SPENDING MONEY!!! Because we are all living in the dying embers of a capitalist hellfire and on some level being a millennial means being eternally being broke and having feelings about being broke. It’s a cycle. So, anyway! We have fun!

I probably feel most guilty when I spend money on makeup and fancy skincare products (I’m looking at you Glossier. WHY IS YOUR SUNSCREEN OVER TWENTY BUCKS for such a teeny amount? AND WHY DOES IT WORK SO GOOD?). We talked a bit about this in a previous roundtable; I loooove makeup! It’s my femme armor. It helps me feel strong and capable. If my face is painted, then the world isn’t seeing me at my most vulnerable; they are seeing who I am allowing them to see, and that makes all the difference.

The thing is, I also love expensive makeup. The fancy, good stuff that fills up shiny Sephora shelves and come in brand names like MAC, or Fenty, or Stila or (gasp!) Dior. Did you know that one tube of Dior mascara costs $30? Dear reader I will keep it real with you, I do not have $30 to spend on a tube of Mascara when Maybeline makes one for seven. You know it, and I know it. So, I try to break the habit. I try to tell myself that L’Oreal lip stains are just as good as NARS. Sometimes if I squint just enough, I even convince myself it’s true. But then Urban Decay will release a new Naked eye palate or whatever, and I’m starting back from square one all over again.

I shop sales and clearance. I buy “last season’s” hottest colors for the cost cut. I buy travel sizes or samples instead of the full bottle. I squeeze my Sephora insider points until they cry for mercy. I cut corners. Mostly that helps me get by. Still, I wince every fucking time.

Stef Schwartz, Vapid Fluff Editor

If I’m being real, I feel terrible about everything I spend money on ever, whether it’s taking a cab when I could just as easily wait 20 minutes for the train or ordering a spring roll with dinner. I’ve been trying to save up for a new laptop for about a year, but every time I come into some cash, I seem to blow through it immediately. I generally either have money saved up and no time to do anything with it, or tons of time and no cash to play with; as a result, I buy myself presents I do not need because I believe I deserve them. I think I buy myself presents to make myself feel better about working so goddamn much, sacrificing time I might have for a fulfilling personal life. Today it was plane tickets, tomorrow it may be kitchenware, and after that it will probably be guitar pedals. Someone help.

You Need Help: Your Girlfriend Makes More Money Than You, Just Wants to Have Fun

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

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Q:

My partner and I have been together for five years and are engaged, I love her very much and we have a genuinely great relationship. The one thing that distresses me is money. My partner is earning more money than me and has always been better at saving and managing finances. She likes to spend this money on holidays, nice food, and memorable experiences. I can rarely afford to keep up with this lifestyle without accumulating credit card debt and have no savings to fall back on.

This has always been a pattern in our relationship and I have brought it up numerous times as problematic, not because I don’t want her to spend her money on nice things, but because when I say that I can’t afford to go on holiday with her or book a fancy hotel for her birthday, she always frames this as me not wanting to be romantic or adventurous. This is despite me wanting to save money for things like a house, where some delayed gratification is necessary, and despite the fact that she even wants a house more than me!

Recently she has moved to a different city for work and while we plan to live together again in the next few months, managing the rent on my own has made finances even tighter, while I’m also expected to travel to see her regularly. When I can’t afford to travel to visit her, she gets upset about missing me and questions whether I want to see her if I’m being reluctant to book travel.

Obviously this is frustrating, especially when I’ve asked her not to make me feel guilty for wanting to not get into (more) debt and trying to save money for our future together. She does get it when I bring it up and apologises, but her solution is then to spend the money herself on a fancy hotel room for her birthday, my travel, and so on, which makes me feel guilty about not being able to do nice things for her. I’m not particularly romantic either, so find it hard to figure out how to make it up to her with smaller gestures.

I don’t know what to do to make her see things from my point of view because it’s justifiable that she wants to make the most out of life while she can. She thrives on new experiences and it boosts her mental health to have these things. She’s said on more than one occasion that not going on holiday for a year would exacerbate her depression, which also makes me feel like refusing to spend money is contributing to her poor mental health. It also makes her sad to go away by herself though, as she would much rather be making those nice memories with me around.

How can I support the way she wants to live and not drown in debt?

A:

Friend,

I am so glad you wrote in to ask this! Firstly because money issues and sex issues are the main issues all couples face, and I want to reassure you that you’re not alone in having these worries and frustrations. Secondly because I make less money than my partner so I have a little bit of experience I can share with you. And thirdly because the way you wrote about this conundrum is so level-headed and full of a real sense of urgency to make sure both you and your partner have what you need and want for your mental health. That’s a great leaping-off point for addressing any relationship riddle and I feel confident y’all can come to a better understanding around money that will make both of you less stressed out.

Let me pull out the two things that jumped out most to me from your question. Neither of them are really about money.

When you say you can’t afford something, your fiancée frames it as you not wanting to be adventurous or romantic; or when you say you can’t afford to come visit her, she frames that as you not wanting to see her. That’s a thing that’s going to need some work, and I think it would be best if that work came proactively. By which I mean: Don’t wait until the next time she asks you to do something that’s out of your financial comfort zone to talk about this. It feels very necessary for you to say to your fiancée, “Hey, babe! I think there’s a better way for us to talk about money, and I would love it if we could find a good safe time to sit down and really hear each other about our financial realities and goals so we can make sure we’re supporting each other’s individual needs and empowering ourselves to have the best future possible!” (If you initiate that conversation over email, I would advise not making the subject a smiley face. My research suggests that comes off as sarcastic.) (Just a little side tip, you’re welcome!)

Of course, when you’re having a tough conversation it’s best to use “I feel” statements and avoid saying things like “always” and “never.” Just for one example, “You always make me feel like a broke bitch.” That is not a good way to say the thing you want to say. “I want you to have everything you need to be happy and mentally healthy, and I want to contribute to that happiness and mental healthiness, but sometimes when I tell you I can’t afford to do the things you want to do, I feel like you don’t hear the real reason, which is that it will cause me to go deeper in debt and that stresses me out and makes me feel like future me isn’t going to be in a good position to give us both the big things we want, like a house!” That is a good way to say the thing you want to say.

The other thing that jumped out at me is that you feel guilty when your girlfriend offers to pay for both of you to do the fun things she wants you to do. That’s some work you’re going to have to do internally, and oh, I understand how hard that is. Why does it make you feel guilty? Is it the way she offers? Because if so, that’s something to bring up in the conversation I mentioned above. If not, though, really: why do you feel that way? Is it because you grew up in a supremely patriarchal religious institution where you were expected to stay at home and have babies while your husband provided for you, and thinking about anyone “taking care of you” financially taps into that trauma? Is it because you’re afraid to rely on her financially because what if she leaves and you’ve lost the ability to take care of yourself? Is it because you’re afraid that she’ll grow to resent you for not being able to pay for half of everything? Is it because you believe you’ll be indebted to her in ways that aren’t financial if she pays more for things than you do? That it will shift the balance of power in your relationship? That it will mean you’re expected to do more housework because of internalized ideas you have about gender roles and money? That it will cause you to lose any sense of personal control over your life?

I’m just tossing out all the reasons I struggled for years to just accept the fact that my partner makes more money than me and that it’s totally okay. In fact, it’s very normal for one person in a couple to make more money than the other person!

Once you unpack why you feel guilty, talk to your fiancée about it. It’ll probably help her to understand more of where you’re coming from, and allow her to ease some of your anxieties, and permit you to begin working to let go of the guilt so you can just go to a nice hotel for her birthday and enjoy it!

On a practical, actual money level, it’d be good for y’all to sit down and talk numbers. How much money do you each make, what do your individual monthly budgets look like, how much money do you both want to be saving for your house, and then how much disposable income do you both have left, at the end of the day? If you have a hundred dollars left and she has a thousand dollars left, maybe you agree to pay ten percent for fun things and she pays 90 percent. It’s proportional! And fair! You each have the money you have and you’re a team and when you combine that funtime money together — no matter who put in how much — you get to spend it as a team!

I’ll leave you with Mr. Rogers: “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like ‘struggle.’ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” Be honest and compassionate with each other about who and where you are at this moment in time on your long and winding and ever-evolving relationship path; you’re gonna be great!

Yours most humbly,
Heather

LGBT Credit Union Superbia Wants to Help You Keep Our Gay Money in the Family

“What does gay money look like? Not surprisingly, it looks a lot like money. Gay money happens to be the same as non-gay money. So why can financial institutions in America still be allowed to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity?”

So asks the welcome video that explains Superbia, the first explicitly gay credit union. I’ve been waffling on dumping my money out of a large corporate bank and into a credit union for a long time; credit unions exist to serve their members and are, in fact, owned by said members, so profits from it go right back to those with accounts at the institution. Credit unions are by and large not funding things like the Dakota Access Pipeline. They keep money local and decentralized. In short, credit unions are bomb. But my problem is that I haven’t found one I’m in love with yet.

My face went totally heart-eyes-emoji when I got the press release about Superbia. Explicitly for the queers and our allies, this sucker will not only function like a normal credit union would, but it will also pour 30% of its profits back into community organizations. And they’ll do this by making sure you aren’t refused service at your goddamn financial institution, a thing that still happens despite the fact that it is 2018. The promotional material cites a bunch of studies proving that queers undergo financial discrimination, but I know I don’t have to explain that here. Because we’ve all felt it. We’re all keenly aware of the subtle-yet-pervasive sense of economic dread, and some of us may have experienced outright hostility when applying for loans, for instance, or trying to open a business.

Founder Myles Meyers (epic name!) is keenly aware that our financial needs as a community are unique. From the press release:

In the same way a bakery can refuse a cake, one bank’s discrimination could lead to higher interest rates on homes, rejection of student loans, judgement on credit for health needs, outdated products and services for LGBTQ individuals and families, and lack of acceptance and understanding among traditional institutions. Twenty-nine states currently have no anti-discrimination laws in place, meaning sexual orientation or gender identity may be considered in accessing credit. “Our families, lives and financial journeys are not necessarily the same as those of other communities,” shares Meyers. “The products we need and how we are communicated to should reflect our community, using our values, as we determine.”

The credit union’s tech will be powered by CU*Answers and the credit and debit cards will be Mastercards. They’ve got it all planned out and they’re ready and raring to go. Their next step is raising funds to set up the credit union, which they’re doing on Indiegogo. Now I normally do not, under any circumstances, write about a fundraiser. But truly, honestly, my need for you all to know this exists comes from one place deep in my very soul: the place that wants to give my money to my fellow queers. I make a lot of decisions with my money to keep it in the fam. I love to pay queers. Love love love it. And essentially that is what being a member of the gay credit union would be: paying queers. Members vote on what organizations get our money as members; and if members need a service that isn’t being provided, they ask for it and are actually taken seriously. Superbia is already partnered with Stonewall Community Foundation to administer grants to LGBTQ organizations. If all goes well, this will be up and running by Fall 2018.

Decentralizing money and orienting it toward community is one decision that individuals can actually make that disrupts some of the unfettered power that large corporations have in this crazy, crazy world of our own making. In summary, here are the bare bones bullet points of what this financial institution will be all about. From their Indiegogo page:

We will

• Remove the risk of discrimination that members of the LGBTQ community can still encounter at traditional institutions
• Provide unfettered access to tailored financial products and services
• Harness the power of our diverse and activated community to provide equal economic opportunity and support to our community.

Superbia will serve its members in three important ways

1. Provide fair, non-discriminatory and unique products, services and treatment that honors the unique needs of the LGBTQ community.
2. Put profits back into Superbia to offer better saving and lending rates, and other improved services to our members
3. Awarding up to 30% of remaining annual profit to directly fund LGBTQ organizations, causes and community needs.

If this sounds good to you, consider heading over to Indiegogo (where, if you’ll recall, we raised funds for our massive redesign back in 2012, so yay Indiegogo!) and consider making a contribution to the founding of Superbia. And since it’ll be Mastercards, I’ll close with the following:

Minimum contribution? $50

Special Founder’s Edition Mastercard? $250

Having a bank that helps sustain the community and gets your pronouns right? Priceless.

Home Sweet Homo: An Autostraddle Homeowner Roundtable

A few weeks ago, I walked you through buying your first home and now I asked some folks ’round here who’ve gone through the home buying process to share their experiences and wisdom with y’all! Here’s what they had to say!

Cee Webster, Tech Director & American Gothic Gardner, Portland, OR

Beth Maiden, Writer & Boat / Tiny House Dweller, Isle of Skye, Scotland

Update from Beth: I lived on my boat until 2015, when my partner and I both sold up, repaid our parents, and moved ashore. We were ready for a new chapter and very open to wherever the wind may take us. We came to the Scottish Highlands and WWOOFed (land-based volunteering) in exchange for caravan accommodation, then lodged in friends’ spare rooms, even living in a holiday home for a few months. Eventually, we got sick of housing insecurity and living out of boxes and decided we were ready to buy a house. This huge step was only possible for us because we had lived so cheaply for previous years, so we had been able to save up for a deposit (down payment). The overwhelming paperwork described below has been very real for us: we’re both self-employed and have lived off-the-radar for years, we got turned down for two mortgages before finally finding a small building society who treated us like human beings. We move into our very own house next week, and I’m beyond excited about it! It’s been a journey of roughing it and compromise, but it’s been an adventure. I’m looking forward to the next chapter, hopefully one of housing security and relative ease. But all that said, I would recommend #BoatLife to anyone who doesn’t mind giving up some home comforts in exchange for adventure and cheap living!

Aja Aguirre, Former Fashion Editor & Founder of Fit For a Femme, Oakland, CA (formerly Boston, MA)

KaeLyn Rich, Staff Writer, Rochester, NY

Why did you decide to buy your first house? What factored into your decision to start looking?

Cee: I’ve always wanted to own, but never lived anywhere I could realistically afford to. I moved to Portland with buying a home in mind, and spent about a year learning the market, the neighborhoods, and continuing to save for a down payment before I started officially house hunting.

Aja: We were looking at a few time-sensitive motivating factors — where we wanted our daughter to attend high school and where in the country we could afford to buy in an excellent school district that was also in a state where our marriage would be legally recognized. In 2012, pickings were rather slim and we were right at the precipice of a radical housing shift in the Bay Area.

With her headed to college in the fall, we just wanna go home, downsize significantly and have merciful commutes; all these things will help immensely with quality of life!

Beth: I knew that when I moved out of my ace little rented flat, it would be to do something different, to move beyond renting and into something I owned. I got together with my current partner, who lived on a boat, and discussions about moving in together turned into ‘how about we don’t move in, and instead I get my own boat?’ I got really excited and started looking!

KaeLyn: We never planned to stay in Rochester when I moved here for a job promotion. We also were a hot mess in our early twenties. But by 2012, we had worked out our shit, gotten legally queer wed, and had put down roots in the city. We started casually looking, mostly online and by attending a couple open houses, for about two years. We kept waiting for the perfect moment financially to start looking “seriously,” but life is complex and that moment never came. Ultimately, we decided we were as ready as we were going to be and we contacted a real estate agent.

What kind of things did you do to prepare for buying your first home?

Cee: I saved for years and made sure my credit was good first. Then I learned the market, what houses were worth, I toured several dozen homes and obsessively checked Redfin. I went to a few house buying classes and asked a million questions to my real estate agent, who was very patient with me. He became a friend of mine, and took me to “estate agent only” pre-viewings and on tours of houses for his other clients, so I could learn the industry a little. It was really fun for me to be honest, I love looking at houses. I also found a very good mortgage broker who helped me get a mortgage after the local credit unions and banks turned me down (self-employment = unemployment in their eyes apparently).

Beth: Not a lot. I found my dream boat on eBay for £6500. I had to make the case to my parents to lend me the money to buy it as I had no money at all. They’re used to my weird schemes but this was the only time I’d ever asked for money and they took some convincing that this was a good idea.

Aja: This could be its own post! We had a very complex, multi-faceted problem to solve using research and loads of data: school district scores, real estate markets, job markets, local and state laws and taxes, finding an agent (who found us a broker and a lawyer and, incidentally, our current agent out in Oakland — they’re both absolute gems) and learning the sometimes baffling differences between MA vs CA real estate, planning travel and timing around the school calendar, and then again around the new school calendar and school district entry requirements. We ordered a giant white board called Big Bertha and mounted it in our living room with charts and a map of the country, cross-referenced with shared Google Sheets and our bible, Nolo’s Essential Guide to Buying Your First Home, which I highly recommend!

This time around it’s just reversed, and significantly less stressful on the education-related front. However, the Bay Area real estate market is so ruthlessly competitive that offers with contingencies (which used to be somewhat routine) go straight into the recycling bin, so we’re having to strategize around timing in several areas, like planning short-term housing given the number of variables outside of our control. As big a PITA that’ll be, it’s nothing compared to making a long-term six-figure mistake on the wrong house!

KaeLyn: We both have decent credit scores, which is something I worked really hard to achieve after a little tough spot immediately after college. We made a list of all the things we wanted, the must-haves and the would-be-neats and the no-ways. We knew what neighborhoods we wanted to look in, so we contacted an agent that was recommended through a friend and who does a lot of work specifically with LGBT buyers and in the neighborhoods we were considering. He came up with some suggestions. We already had a good idea of what we wanted in a house, so we also looked for interesting properties and sent them to him. We actually found our house by scouring online listings on our own. We were one of the first to see it (due to me putting some pressure on my agent to expedite the appointment) and the very first to put an offer in, which was fortunate because another couple put an offer in later on the same day, the day after it was listed.

What was on your must-have list when you were searching for your home?

Cee: I was very particular about which neighborhood, and I wanted an old house that wasn’t remodeled modern. I was willing to rip out carpets, change fixtures, appliances, etc, but I wanted the old charm underneath. I also wanted a decent yard. And to be affordable, either a few bedrooms so I could have roommates, or a finished basement or in-law apartment I could rent.

Beth: It had to be super cute, super cheap, really small (I was scared of steering a huge boat), and near enough that I could move it to the town where I lived.

Aja: Hm, let me fetch our ridiculous list. Here it is:

Commute
Surround Sound*
Pre-wired Ethernet*
Closet Space
Master Bath
Light
Positioning/Views

If my wife never hears me say, “It’s a perfect house, but I can’t stand the way it’s situated,” again, she’ll be thrilled. On the other hand, she’ll point out a fig tree in the backyard and say, “This is the most perfect house in all of Oakland,” even if the kitchen needs to be completely torn out and the interior has all the natural light of a bat cave and it’s over budget. We should have our own obnoxious HGTV show!

In all seriousness, though, we both know there are hardcore must-haves (why do so many New England houses not have en suite master baths?!) and negotiable nice-to-haves, and that we’ll each likely need to make trade-offs when push comes to shove, especially if we want to live in SF or Oakland. C’est la vie!

*These are her “gaming-specific needs”. FYI. Preposterous!

KaeLyn: We wanted off-street parking because we live in a city were driving is the most efficient mode of transportation and we work opposite shifts and need a reliable place for our two cars. We’d messed around with on-street parking before and hated it. We wanted three bedrooms, two toilets, and we didn’t want to have to do a lot to the house to move in. Neither of us are particularly handy. A big bonus would be a sunroom, like our most favoritest favorite Rochester apartment had. We didn’t get that, but our house does have a sleeping porch we never use that we absolutely fell in love with.

What was the hardest/most confusing/challenging part of the home-buying process?

Cee: The market in Portland is nuts at the moment. My house was the 9th house I put in an offer on, being outbid by full cash offers over asking each time. Other than that I really enjoyed learning the process.

Beth: Being new to boats, it was hard to know what questions to ask the owner. Also, it’s wise to have a hull survey when buying a boat — this is where the boat is taken out of water and an expert checks to see that the hull (the bit in the water) is sound and not about to wear through. It’s expensive and a big risk — what if you find out that the boat needs replating or is about to leak?

Aja: Nobody warns you how emotionally exhausting it can be. I’m very resilient, a tough cookie, and yet there I was, crying on a rental car shuttle en route to Logan. I think we were in the security check line when our agent called and said our offer had been accepted and we had to spring into action. I waved my wife and child goodbye after we rebooked my flight so that I could stay behind for inspections and to sign miles of paperwork, while they headed back home (where our dogs were waiting with the petsitter) and to work and school the next day. That was only the beginning; we had offers accepted on two different houses and walked away from both (and thousands of dollars) because of poor inspection results. After subsequent and increasingly frantic SFO-BOS house hunting trips, the third time was the charm — but it also meant that the first time I laid eyes on this house was when my wife carried me laughing over the threshold, after we’d already bought it!

KaeLyn: It feels so intense when you put an offer in. You start to imagine your whole life in the house, with your stuff in there and the things you would do to change the place and your future self all wrapped up in it. The feeling that you could lose it if the offer isn’t accepted or if the closing doesn’t happen on time is super stressful. We got the sense the seller felt like they accepted our offer too quickly because there were other offers right after they accepted ours and they kept the listing up online with a higher price and new videos after we were in escrow. I was so nervous we wouldn’t meet the closing date, especially when the bank flagged a couple bank account deposits from my part-time contract job that I initially forgot to report. It all worked out in the end and the forest-worth of paper to sign on closing day felt like a relief.

The other thing that was complicated were my feelings about buying a flipped house. I know that queer neighborhoods tend to converge with hipster/trending neighborhoods that are initially diverse until our occupancy drives up the values and pushes poor people out. I love our house and that we didn’t need to fix anything because we suck at that and we also couldn’t afford it at the time. I also felt confused about whether it was OK to move into a neighborhood that was just outside the trendiest “gayborhood” if our very presence was going to contribute to gentrification. I still feel weird about all this, especially as an Asian-American woman, for about a million different reasons. And our home value has indeed gone up rapidly over the past five years, for better or worse.

What is the best thing about being a homeowner vs. a renter (or squatter)?

Cee: I feel like I’m in control of my housing, which really reduces my stress. It took a hell of a lot of work but it was very worth it in the end. I also like that I can change stuff like appliances or fixtures and not have to wait forever for the landlord to do it (or more realistically not ever do it). It’s pretty rad. And I’m learning so much about fixing houses; I knew nothing before I moved in.

Beth: Like Cee says, it’s a sense of control. I would happily rent again, but I loved knowing that Swallow was mine.

Aja: Sweet, sweet equity. That aside, I do think it’s healthiest to view homeownership vs. renting as trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another. I appreciate and see the value in permanency, I even like the romanticism of it. But I think folks forget that it’s almost mythological without being honest about the work and resources it takes to sustain it.

With certainty comes vast responsibility and that certainty is in no way even a little bit guaranteed — natural disaster, financial ruin, change in work (or school) and family status, like switching careers, divorce or having children, all can render the permanent soluble — so I just want to remind folks on the fence or who aren’t yet able to take on homeownership that it isn’t some end-all, be-all marker of adulting or personal success. For many, it doesn’t make sense on paper, and that’s okay. If the potential upside doesn’t outweigh the risk, it’s probably best to hold off and instead be well prepared for when it does!

It’s also critical to understand that for people of color and queer people of color, there’s a very complicated and appalling legacy of lending discrimination in this country that goes back decades and went unchecked until 1975, when the Home Mortgage Disclosure Act was passed. Mortgage discrimination is still a very serious issue with incomprehensible repercussions throughout public education and economic status for POCs and continues to feed on and perpetuate a system of racial bias today. I highly recommend reading the article Choosing a School for My Daughter in a Segregated City to learn more about that history and how it continues to disadvantage communities of color.

KaeLyn: Commitment is not natural to me, nor is staying in one place. However, putting down roots in a home that I own feels like making a commitment to the life side of my work-life balance. I don’t feel like I have to stay here forever, but I definitely could and I’m really happy that I feel so at peace about that. It’s a big thing for me. Especially now that there’s a baby in our house, it feels like we could live here a long time. I imagine her making friends with the kids across the street, playing in the backyard that I’ll eventually get around to dealing with, moving upstairs to the attic we might finish one day when she’s a moody teenager. I like knowing that this is ours as our equity slowly builds, though I occasionally miss being able to call someone else to deal with it (and pay for) when the heat stops working or the pipes back up.

What is your favorite thing about your current house?

Cee: My back yard is quickly becoming my favorite part of my house. I have a little grill and a hammock and I’ve planted all my favorite flowers back there and it’s very comfortable.

Aja: Superficially, that it’s a pristine three-story Victorian built in 1882 in a fantastic neighborhood within walking distance of shops, cafes, restaurants, public transportation, and a ton of green space and trails along the Charles River. We couldn’t remotely afford a tiny flat in one of these puppies back in SF, let alone an entire one all to ourselves! We were lucky to have found it.

My favorite thing about this house, though, is that it held us safe and sound these past four years. Through marriage equality milestones, with the Boston Marathon manhunt happening a mile away, for every holiday and birthday and anniversary together and through hurricanes and blizzards and the Worst Winter Ever, it’s been our sanctuary and our home base. As a mother, it’s the place I’ll think back to when I remember our last years with the kiddo living under one roof.

KaeLyn: I love the bay window with a roomy window seat in the living room and the other bay window directly above that acts as a sort of 180 degrees view scenic headboard for our bed.

What do you wish you’d known then (when you were buying your first house) that you know now (as a seasoned homeowner)?

Cee: You can change your house but you can’t change your neighbors or your neighborhood.

Beth: Don’t take the sellers’ word for anything. Do your own checks. It’s sad because I want to go through life trusting people, but that guy told me a lot of fibs about my boat and I had plenty of issues that I had to fix. Next time I’ll take it all with a big pinch of salt and have more realistic expectations about what I’m getting.

Aja: If your agent is any good whatsoever, they will briefly run your whole life. You will get emotional. It will be more expensive than you planned for. It will all be worth it!

KaeLyn: You will make an impossibly long list of all the things you’re going to do to renovate or change your home right after you move in. You will do very few of those things at all and spread out over a super long time. You will keep talking about those things as if you might actually do them one day just to give yourself hope that you’re not actually as lazy/busy as you are.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to buy a home for the first time?

Cee: Speak to a mortgage broker to learn what you can afford (it may differ than what you think) and if you qualify for a mortgage (you might, even if you don’t think so!). Once you know what you can afford, start learning the market and seeing what is out there. If Redfin is available in your city, set up an alert to send you push notifications or emails when houses are listed in your price range. Once you feel like you know the market a bit, find a good agent and start viewing houses. Good luck and don’t be discouraged!

Aja: There is no such thing as “too soon” when it comes to preparation. Don’t wait until you’re “ready” to talk to agents or brokers; bang out all the unknowns well in advance of actually starting the process. You can’t anticipate what you’re unaware of, learning the ropes months or even years ahead will give you the upper hand and a superior planning advantage.

Thoroughly know your budget inside and out before accepting a loan. Reverse-engineer your numbers based on a mortgage payment you can comfortably afford, not what the banks say you can afford. Get intel from homeowner friends in your area or from your agent on any new monthly expenses you may be unaware of as a renter — home insurance, local and state taxes, additional utilities, mortgage insurance (if applicable), include a savings bucket for the inevitable fixes that’ll pop up out of the blue at the worst possible time, etc. Nobody wants to be house-poor!

KaeLyn: Know yourself financially, but don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself. The reality is you’re probably not going to save 20% down or pay off all your school loans/credit cards first, but it’s OK. If you can afford your payments and your bills are covered and your job is relatively stable and your credit score is decent, go ahead and see if the time is right for you!

Do you have any funny stories about buying your first home? Spill!

Beth: I have a whole blog full of stories about leaking windows, broken engines, falling in the canal and my tragic attempts at carpentry.

Aja: My wife has very few irrational fears, but bats are definitely #1. Within a month of moving in, she found something flying in relentless circles in the basement at dusk. “Jonesey, come look!” she said, “There’s a bird down here!” It was, of course, an actual, bona fide, possibly rabies-infested bat. WELCOME TO NEW ENGLAND!

KaeLyn: OMG, we had a bat, too! A couple dead ones in the attic and one live one in our damn bedroom. We think they must have come in when the folks who sold the house were working on it because we haven’t seen any since. We found the live bat when our cat woke us up one night. The cat was going utterly beserk on the bed, leaping around. We turned on the light and saw a scared and confused bat flying in circles around the ceiling fan. Waffle screamed and ran into the hallway. We had to coax the cat out because he really wanted to eat that bat. Waffle sent me back in and SHUT THE DOOR and kept screaming, “Get it out!” as he hid in the dark hall. I had to try to whack the bat with a broom, which I wasn’t feeling great about and couldn’t really bring myself to do because I love bats. I finally Googled it, with the bat swooping around my head, and realized the ceiling fan was throwing off its echolocation. Supposedly you can just open a window and they’ll use echolocation to find it and fly out. So I turned off the fan, which required me to reach up into the fly zone, opened a window from the top, and the bat fairly expediently showed himself out. I still can’t believe Waffle basically trapped me in the room with a bat. That’s love for ya’.

Oh and we had a running joke that we were so bad at home improvements that the only thing we did in the year was a home disimprovement. We turned one of the bedrooms into a free-range home for our bunnies (basically a luxe indoor rabbit lounge) and to be able to see them and let them see us, we removed the bedroom door and replaced it was an unfinished wood-framed screen door, like the $15 kind you can buy for your shed. I judge people on how visibly they judge us when they first encounter our indoor barn bedroom.

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Do you have questions? Your own advice to future homeowners? Put it in the comments!

Home Sweet Homo: A Guide to Buying Your First Home

feature image via Shutterstock

There are a whole lotta benefits to renting, like not having to replace your refrigerator when it breaks or being able to pack up and move if your neighbors are awful. My partner and I rented for seven years in various roommate configurations, but after a while, when it was clear we were going to stay in the city we live in, we decided to stop throwing our money into a bottomless pit. We decided we’d like to own a little piece of Planet Earth to call our home.

We’re not alone! Since the 2015 SCOTUS ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges, federally recognized marriage equality means that married LGBT couples have access to the same protections that heterosexual couples enjoy when purchasing property together or raising children together. According to a recent survey of their 1500 members, the National Association of Gay and Lesbian Real Estate Professionals (NAGLREP) found that 47% of their members believe more LGBT married couples are buying homes than prior to the federal marriage equality decision.

It can feel like a big thing, buying your first home. There’s a lot of money and planning and legal stuff involved and lots and lots and lots of paperwork.

Like most things in “grown-up” life, home-buying decisions for LGBTQIA people comes with unique considerations and challenges.

For example, depending on where you live and what your community is like, you may or may not be able to find an LGBTQ real estate agent. You may not even be able to find an openly LGBTQ-friendly real estate agent. Your agent may or may not know which neighborhoods are queer-friendly or may have misconceptions about what that even means and drop you into the affluent gay white neighborhood when you’d rather be in a different part of your city/town/county/whatever-kind-of-municipality-you’re-buying-in.

If you’re buying with a partner or partners, it’s imperative that your attorney knows what the laws are and what kinds of tenancy agreements are available to you that best protect your family. That’s on top of the stress of budgeting for, finding, getting approved to buy, putting an offer in on, and managing a timely closing on a home. Welp.

As a home-owning queer person, I’m here to help!

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Deciding You’re Ready to Buy

What Is Your Life?

Before you commit to buying a home, you need to honestly assess where you are in your life. Buying a house is a huge commitment and it may or may not be a good fit for you right now.

• Do you feel certain you want to live in the same place for at least five years? If not, what would you do with your home if you decide to move in the near future? Are you open to renting it and being a landlord if you move? Could you sell it and recoup your costs quickly?
• Do you like the idea of being “tied down” to one place or do you want the flexibility of renting that allows you to move quickly and (relatively) affordably? Do you want the responsibility of caring for and being in charge of a home?
• Are you planning to buy with another person or more than one person? If so, who are you buying with? A family member? Friend(s)? Romantic partner(s)? A spouse? What kind of relationship do you have with this person or persons? How stable is your relationship with them? How are they with managing and contributing money and finances or non-monetary value to your household? Do you feel safe entering into a long-term financial contract with them?
• What are your future aspirations? Do you see yourself pursuing any major career, life, education, or family/relationship changes in the near future? What are those changes and how do they impact your readiness to buy?

Do You Have the Cash Money?

Traditional financial advice recommends a 20% downpayment on a home. Ha! I literally know no one who has been able to afford that, not in this recession economy! Many folks, including myself, took advantage of a first-time homebuyers program that requires a smaller down payment, as little as 3% down.

There are other immediate costs in addition to the downpayment, including the home inspection, closing costs, any immediate repairs that need to be made, and the mortgage application and appraisal fees. There’s also homeowner’s insurance, private mortgage insurance (which is additional insurance you’ll need if you’re putting less than 20% down), and property taxes to be paid.

You can sometimes get the seller to pay up front for the closing costs. You can also usually ask a seller who is motivated to sell to make necessary repairs to the property before you buy as part of your agreement.

• Do you have or can you get together the cash for a down payment, closing costs, homeowner’s insurance, private mortgage insurance (if applicable), and the other costs of buying a home?
• Is your credit score decent? You’ll need a good credit score or a co-signer with a good credit score to qualify for a loan.
• Is your debt-to-income ratio (including school loans, credit card debt, utility bills, etc.) manageable enough that a mortgage payment would be within your budget? Are you financially prepared to be locked into a long-term financial commitment like a mortgage? A mortgage is a pretty big deal and if you can’t afford to pay, you can really screw up your credit score and literally end up homeless.
• If buying with someone else, what is their financial snapshot like? What can they contribute? What does their credit look like?

Assess Your Personal Values

Finally, sometimes it helps to make a good ol’ pro and con list of renting vs. buying. It will help you assess what your values are around home ownership and whether it really makes sense for you right now.

• What are the reasons you might want to buy? Why might you be better off renting?
• What are your expectations for owning vs. renting?
• If buying with someone else, how stable is that relationship? Do you have the trust in your relationship each other you need to enter into a major legally binding purchase? How will you protect yourself and your assets if the relationship ends for any reason (break-up, divorce, moving, death)?

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Getting Your Financial Shit Together

Assess your financial plan before you even begin looking at houses. You don’t want to do it in the reverse, which could result in you being seduced into buying a home or entering a financial agreement that isn’t a good fit or, worse, could bankrupt you. There may be a nonprofit or housing program that offers first-time homebuyer classes in your neighborhood, which can be a good place to start learning about the costs of homebuying near you, as well as hook you up with local resources.

How Much House Can You Afford?

There are two ways to approach this question: 1) How much mortgage can you get preapproved for from a bank? and 2) How much can you reasonably afford to allocate to a mortgage payment in your household budget?

You may be able to get a bank to preapprove you for $300k, but that doesn’t mean you should necessarily go out and buy a $300k house. What other expenses do you have that impact your budget? Do you have education loans? Credit card debt? Medical debt? What are your transportation, phone, and grocery costs? Do you have children or dependents? Pets?

Inclusive of all your expenses and income, what can you actually afford to spend on your home? Figure out this number before you even apply to get pre-approved for a mortgage, so you know what is actually reasonable and you’re not tempted to buy above what you can afford.

Check Your Credit Score

Get a free copy of your credit score and report. Many credit card companies offer this service for free. You can also access your report for free at MyBankrate or at the federal free credit report site. Credit scores are between 300-800; the higher, the better. Check your report for errors. If your score is low, you may have a hard time getting a mortgage loan and you may want to work on building your credit before you pursue home ownership.

Get Pre-Approved

Before you start seriously considering homes, you should get pre-approved for a mortgage by a bank or lender. You should get more than one quote and see who is offering you the best APR rates and options. If you’re a member of a credit union or co-operative bank, that can be a great place to start. Your real estate agent may also have suggestions about mortgage professionals. Don’t feel pressured to use your real estate agent’s (or anyone’s) recommendation. Do check out all your options.

I didn’t follow this advice at all because I found our perfect-ish home before I was preapproved and wanted to move quickly, but I would totally recommend it in an ideal situation. Don’t be getting preapproved over the phone while waiting for your flight to board in an airport on a Saturday morning from a lender you’ve never met. It worked out fine for us, but it could have been a major misstep.

Research First-Time Homebuyer Loans, Grants, and Programs

There are a bunch of federal, state, and local programs to assist homebuyers. See what’s available where you live. Read up on federal programs and state programs you might benefit from or qualify for.

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Finding Your Dream-ish Perfect-ish Home

Unless you’re buying bare land and building your dream home from the foundation up, you’re probably not going to find a house with picture windows and a Jacuzzi tub and an open floor plan and a giant slide from the attic to the basement.

Make a Dream List

Sit down and write down (literally, write it down) a list of your:

• Must haves
• Wanna haves
• No ways!

Think about things like location, green space, storage space, the number of bedrooms and bathrooms, square footage, type of floor plan, accessibility, parking and/or transportation, your commute to school or work, the type of heat and energy, and whether you want a fixer-upper or a move-in ready home.

Dream big! Then, decide what you really, really need and what you can live without or buy/add/fix later on. Don’t fret too much about the color of the paint or wallpaper, the ceiling material, the lack of landscaping, or other things that you can probably alter over time relatively inexpensively.

Even though I know those shows are fake, every time I see a Househunters where someone refuses a place because of the wall color or popcorn ceilings, I want to shake them vigorously.

It’s good to know what you want, but don’t let your dream list prevent you from finding the right home. If you’re buying with a partner or partners or roommates, you may find you have very different dream lists.

The Internet is Your Friend

There are so many listings online. Zillow and Trulia are two popular websites to look at homes for sale and to compare homes by location. They both also show home values for homes that are off the market (not for sale) so you can compare the listing price of a home to other homes in the area. You can also see what the home last sold for and how it has appreciated or depreciated in value over time at both sites.

There’s no reason not to start looking online right now and start to get a sense of what kind of houses interest you. It could help you build your dream list!

Get in the Door at an Open House

Another low-commitment way to start looking at houses is to attend open houses, usually hosted by realtors looking to sell a property quickly. Open houses are advertised in the classified ads of your local papers, online on realtor sites, and through word of mouth.

You typically have free access to the home. The owner isn’t there while the open house is happening, so you can feel free to open closets and cabinets, explore the basement and backyard, test the water pressure, etc.

The realtor will be there and may pressure you to state your interest, so keep that in mind. It’s best to talk about the house later, not in front of the realtor, especially if you might actually be interested. Remember you will be negotiating with the seller, so expressing interest to a seller’s realtor might encourage them to be firm on the asking price. Ask questions, but leave the freaking out over the original hardwood floors for after the walk through.

Hire a Damn Agent

Yes, you can buy or sell a house without a real estate agent, but you know what you probably don’t know a lot about? REAL ESTATE. Real estate practices and law differ from state to state. Buying a home is a huge project to manage on your own. Most buyer’s realtors are paid through the sale of your house on commission, so you’re not paying them directly. (If you’re selling a house, your seller’s agent will take a cut of your profit, just FYI). When you’re ready to start looking at houses seriously, ask around for recommendations of an LGBT-friendly agent.

Once you’ve found someone, you’ll meet with them to share what your budget is, what neighborhoods you’re looking in, and what you want in a house. They’ll provide some advice, including if your expectations are reasonable. They’ll search listings for you and make recommendations of homes to see. You can also ask them to book showings of any houses you find online or through listings that you’re interested in. If you decide to put an offer on a house, your agent will work directly with the seller’s agent and hustle to make sure you close on time by advising you through the process. They are usually also able to recommend an attorney, which you will want and need to draw up the legal paperwork.

Go On the Hunt

Start looking at lots of homes, so many homes, more homes than you think anyone should look at! It can be overwhelming, so you may want to take pictures or video of each and keep a notebook with notes on all the houses you see. If you want to be really extra, you can create a scoring rubric. Consider whether the properties meet your dream list needs and definitely take into consideration the overall structure of the property.

• Run the water in the sinks to test the water pressure and water heater. Flush the toilets to see what the pressure is like.
• Open windows and doors to see if they stick and fit properly.
• Turn light switches on and off to test the electrical system.
• Note the kind of heating (gas, electric, forced air, etc) used, which can drastically impact your utility bill
• Peek at the circuit box and see how many circuits the house has and if there are any free ones

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Buying Your Real Adult Home

Here’s how it goes down once you’ve found the home you want to claim as your own. Here’s where things get really real. Get ready to move quickly so you close on your house on time, which just means that all the legal and contractual obligations are met within the required time frame. If your closing is delayed and it’s your fault, the seller could renege on your offer and sell to someone else.

Making the Offer

You’ll come up with a number that you are willing to pay, which may be less or more or exactly the same as the asking price. That all depends on your financial circumstances, how in demand the property is, and on how motivated the seller is to get out. Your agent will draw up the offer for you to sign and will communicate the offer to the seller’s agent.

Your offer should be in writing (oral offers don’t hold up in court) and must specify the offer price and all other terms and conditions of the purchase. For example, if the seller agrees to put money towards your closing costs (called a “seller’s concession”) or include $10,000 for roof repair, that should be in writing in the offer. Many offers are contingent on a home inspection, which should be in writing including the time frame during which the home inspection will occur.

An offer will also often include “earnest money,” which is a cash amount that you are offering to make on the house immediately. The earnest money will go towards your escrow and shows that you are serious about buying.

Once you’ve made the offer, the seller can choose to accept or reject it or to reply with a counter offer, which you can accept, reject, or counter back with new terms.

Another thing that can happen is that the another person can put their offer in and you can end up in a “bidding war,” increasing your offer amount until one of you drops out.

Until your offer is accepted by the seller, you aren’t contractually bound to the property and the seller isn’t obligated to sell to you. Once it is accepted in writing, both you and the seller are locked in legally. You’re on your way to owning your home, cupcake!

Inspections, Appraisals, and Mortgage Approvals

Home Inspection
You’ll schedule a home inspection soon after your offer is accepted, usually in the first two weeks or whatever the laws in your area require. The home inspector will send a report to you and the seller. If there are repairs that need to be made, you can request the seller make the repairs before closing. The inspection cost is built into your closing costs or can be paid upfront.

Mortgage Loan
You’re also going to need to prove your income to your mortgage lender, who will go over your bank statements, income, financial history, and credit report with a fine-tooth comb. If you know you’re planning to apply for a mortgage, don’t open new credit or do anything that could impact your credit score. Don’t make a big withdrawal or deposit that can’t easily be accounted for. The interest rate you are offered for your mortgage loan depends on how creditworthy you are.

You can choose to lend from any lender, not just lenders who pre-approved you. You can also choose from different types of mortgages based on your preferences: a 30-year if you want smaller payments or a 15-year if you want to build equity and pay off the loan faster. There’s also a fixed rate if you want to have a reliable never-changing interest rate on your mortgage or a variable rate if you want a lower initial APR and can tolerate some fluctuation in the future based on the market. What you choose may depend on how long you plan to own the house, what your budget is, or what your tolerance for risk in investing is.

You may also choose to buy mortgage points to reduce your interest rate. Mortgage points are an upfront payment in exchange for lower interest rates over the life of the loan. They don’t reduce the amount of the loan itself, though. $125,000 is still $125,000 whether you paid points for a lower interest rate or not.

Home Appraisal
The home appraisal is separate from the home inspection. An appraiser is a third-party entity that inspects the house and reports on the value of the home to both you and the lender. The appraisal is an estimate that tells you whether you’re paying a fair price and tells the lender whether they are making a good investment. If the appraisal is less than the asking price of the home, the lender may be less willing to approve your loan. You are responsible for paying for the appraisal, though the cost is usually worked into your closing costs.

Buy Homeowners Insurance
You’ll need to purchase homeowners insurance. Unlike renting, which usually doesn’t require you to buy renters insurance, you need insurance to own a home. Call or click around and get some quotes. If you have a car or other type of vehicle insurance, you may be able to get a bundle discount on homeowners insurance through the same company. Homeowners insurance will protect you and your valuables in the event of an emergency or severe property damage.

If you are putting less than 20% down, you will also need private mortgage insurance. You can get this through your mortgage lender or a different company or through the Federal Housing Administration. PMI is removed from your payment when you owe less than 20% of the value of the home, per your original loan agreement. Some choose to refinance their mortgage to get out of PMI earlier if their home value increases or they pay off the loan faster than anticipated. At closing, the lender must tell you how long you have to pay PMI for.

Contact a Real Estate Attorney
Your lender or real estate agent can probably recommend a reliable real estate attorney. You’ll have to pay for their services, which can be pricey, but in the long run it’s worth it to know your home purchase is legally sound. Some states require an attorney at closing and others don’t so check laws in your area. A real estate attorney will help draw up paperwork, answer legal questions, ensure the title to the property is in good order, and will be your right-hand gal or guy at your closing. Personally, I’m always afraid of getting ripped off in big financial transactions like this, so having an attorney handle the paperwork made me feel safer.

For unmarried couples or partners or roommates buying together, it’s really important to work with an attorney to ensure all parties’ rights are protected. Ideally, find an attorney who has worked with LGBT buyers before. For example, we bought our home before marriage was legal at the federal level, so even though it was legal in our state, our attorney advised that we both be named on the title and contract. Attorney fees can be included in closing costs.

THE CLOSING

It may feel like the closing date is never going to come — or on the flip side, it could feel like it all happens really fast! Typically, a closing on a home being purchased with a loan will be scheduled 30-45 days after the loan approval. A cash sale might be sooner. A closing date might be later if the buyer has to wait for a lease to end or the seller has to wait for the sale to go through in order to purchase their new home (a contingency sale).

On your closing date, you’ll meet with your attorney (or agent) and sign a billion gazillion papers and pay your closing costs in full. Do some finger stretches. You’re going to be signing for what feels like forever! You’ll pay your closing costs, if you haven’t already, which can include the escrow, title fees, appraisal fees, attorney fees, inspection fees, and mortgage points you may have bought.

Finally, you’ll walk away with the keys to your new home at or shortly after closing! Ready your U-Haul!

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Next week, we’re publishing a roundtable of real, live Autostraddle homeowners with some solid, real-talk advice for y’all! Stay tuned for that!

Have questions? Have homebuying and homeowning stories? Plan to rent forever? Share it in the comments!

How to Deal With Credit Card Debt and Not Totally Ruin Your Life Forever

Often, when I’m watching a reality show or game show and they announce the grand prize, I find myself thinking (or saying aloud to my spouse), “Oh, wow. $10,000. That would pay off… some of our credit card debt… yay.” or “Daaaamn. $100,000! Babe, we would be able to pay off our credit cards and almost all our school loans with that!” Hashtag Real Life.

Here’s the thing about making not-great financial decisions: it happens. It happens to a lot of people. Sometimes you just make an impulsive decision. Sometimes you make a series of small impulsive decisions that rapidly spin out of control. Sometimes you have very little choice because something happens — a medical expense, a family emergency, unexpected unemployment. The reason isn’t important and we’re not here to point fingers. We’re here to talk about how to get out of debt or, if that feels too big right now, how to manage your existing credit card debt in such a way that it doesn’t keep you awake at night. Because neither you nor I are going to win the lottery tomorrow.

I’m not going to pretend this will be easy because it probably won’t be. And if you live close to your means, it is going to be pretty darn hard. I hate financial advice that is like, “Ride a bike and don’t eat fast food and it’s so easy! You’ll retire at 35!” Because many of those finance bloggers were bringing in six figure salaries before they “retired” or took frugality to such an extreme that it is near impossible for anyone to have the discipline for (especially if you work multiple jobs or are underemployed). So I’m going to suggest practical ways to deal with debt, not fairy tale scenarios. Because I believe you can do it. Let’s make a plan!

Where to Start

Stop Using Your Cards

Stop right now. Put them down. It has gone too far. Yes, you should try to use your credit cards occasionally to keep them active, but when the balance has ballooned out of control, you are better off not using them at all. Don’t close your cards. Closing your cards with a balance on them is not good for your credit score. I wouldn’t suggest closing your cards at all, actually, even the ones you have paid off. Just stop using them.

When I was curbing my credit card problem, I stopped carrying my cards in my wallet. I put them in a safe place where I couldn’t access them unless I was planning ahead of time to purchase something with them. You can also cut up your cards so they will no longer swipe. Or freeze your cards in a block of ice in a tupperware container. The goal is to take the credit card out of your pocket so you are forced to live within your means. If you run out of cash money before payday and you really want that new Lumberjanes issue, you’re going to have to just deal. But if you have a real emergency, you can get to the cards with a little effort.

Make a Budget

Now that you aren’t relying on your cards, you’re going to have to make a budget. Write down all your monthly expenses, including rent/mortgage, utilities, subscriptions, memberships, phone bills, student loan payments, credit card payments, other bills, groceries, gas and car maintenance, etc. Now look at how much income you have coming in each month. Look at the bills and expenses that you have to pay in order to live (rent, utilities, groceries, etc) first and make sure you have enough to cover the essential expenses. Now, look at the bills that you have to pay (student loans, credit cards, car loans, etc) and make sure you have enough to cover these bills. Now, look at the other things (cable bill, gym membership, magazine subscriptions, etc). How much do you have left?

If you still have money in your monthly income line after all that, you’re in great shape. This is good! Very good! You may be wondering how it is that you never have money if you have all this extra money in your budget. Chances are you spend it on little things that add up: a coffee here, a new shirt there, a dinner out, a few drinks with friends. It will be easier to see where you can cut if you write down what you spend in a checkbook or us an app that tracks your spending in different categories, so you can see exactly where your money is going. After researching where your money is going, decide on a reasonable budget for that kind of fun and optional stuff and commit to not going over budget. Some people take their “fun stuff” budget out in cash so they can only spend what they have in cash. Or use a budget and finance tracking app. When the money is gone, it’s gone! The rest is going to go to paying off your debt and it’ll be worth it in the long run!

If you find that you don’t have much money left after you pay all your bills, you should try to find some areas where you can cut back. What if you got Netflix or Hulu instead of cable? What if you worked out at home instead of the gym? What if you carpooled or took public transportation instead of driving? Made coffee at home instead of stopping at a cafe? See how much you can cut back on your expenses to create a little bit of discretionary cushion in your budget that can be put to debt payoff.

You may find that you don’t have enough money, even when you cut back to the bare essentials. If this is the case, you may need to make drastic changes to your life — find a cheaper place to live, negotiate with your lenders on payment plans, sell off some assets (like your car or other personal possessions) or make the drastic-but-sometimes-necessary decision to file for bankruptcy. I really hope this isn’t your situation, though if it is, you aren’t alone. Credit card debt is often the thing that pushes people into filing for bankruptcy. But this should be a last resort. See if any of these tips can help you get back on track before you make that decision.

Organize Your Credit Cards by APR and Balance

Look at all your credit card bills. Create a chart of them, including your APR on each card, total line of credit, and your current balance. You can do this yourself or use an app like Mint that pulls the info from your linked accounts. If you want to use it, I made y’all a copy of the very spreadsheet I use that you can download in Excel. It’s populated with fake numbers so you can visualize how to fill it out.

Now you should have the full picture in front of you: your expenses, your income, your budget, your credit card debts.

Debt Reduction Methods

Plan for Accelerated Payments

You always want to pay more than the minimum payment on your cards, if you can. Pay as much as you can. Often, the minimum payment amount just barely covers the interest you were charged… and it will take years and years and years to pay off if you only make the minimum payment. The more you pay over the minimum, the more your principal balance goes down and the less interest you pay overall and the faster you get out of debt.

If you have more than one active card, you may want to be strategic about how you accelerate payments versus just throwing money at all your credit card bills. There are (at least) two methods to doing this and now that you have all your credit card info mapped out, you can pick according to what will work best for you.

Pay Lowest Balances First – the Snowball Method

It can be really motivating to pay off a card. And sometimes it makes sense to just pay off the cards with the lowest balances first. Why? Because it feels awesome to completely pay off a card. Also, once you have paid off a card, you can add the amount you were putting into paying off that card onto what you’re paying on the next card on your list. So let’s say you have two cards. Card One has a $25/month minimum payment and Card Two has a $100 minimum payment. You have to make both those payments each month. You have a $250 budget to put towards debt (on top of your minimum payments). Card One has the smallest balance, so you decide to pay that one first. You throw the extra $250 towards Card One each month on top of the minimum payment. Soon, you pay off Card One. Now you take the $275 ($250 debt payoff budget plus the $25 minimum you were paying already on Card One) and apply it to Card Two. Now you focus all your attention on Card Two, paying a total of $375/month ($275 plus the $100 minimum you were already paying on Card Two) until it is paid off. And when you pay off Card Two, you roll the $375 into your next debt payment goal. As you knock out debts, the amount you can put to your total debt keeps growing and growing until you are out of debt! This method lets you celebrate more victories along the way because you pay off your smallest debts first.

Pay Highest APR First – the Avalanche Method

If you want to pay the lowest amount of money overall, start by paying off the card with the highest APR first. Why? Because you will pay off less interest overall. You can use the same method for knocking out debt as above, but focus first on the card with the highest APR. When you have paid off that card, roll the amount you were paying into your payment for the next highest APR card. And so one and so forth.

You may choose to use a combination of these methods, depending on what works best for you. If you have two or more cards with significantly high balances, I’d suggest starting with the one with the higher APR. If you also have a card or two with a very low balance, it might make sense to knock those out regardless of APR rate before you start addressing the high balance cards—just so you have fewer bills to pay and more money to work with.

Ask for a Lower APR Rate

If you have been making on-time payments for a while and have decent credit history, you can call the bank issuing your card and ask for a lower APR. Or a promotional APR. It doesn’t hurt to ask!

Request a Balance Transfer

Transferring your high APR balances to a card with a lower APR might be a good idea. It is not a solution to your debt issues, overall, and should be approached with caution. If you have a card that is paid off (has a $0 balance), see if they have any balance transfer promos by logging into your account online or calling customer service. You can also open a new card, which often come with 0% APR balance transfer promotions. But just be careful. Doing this over and over is not a good idea. This should be a short-term fix to help you consolidate debt or get out of a high APR while you really target your debt payment plan. At the end of the balance transfer promo, a standard APR will come into effect. You want to be able to pay off your debt before the standard APR goes into effect. If you can’t, you may want to think carefully about how often you are willing to transfer your balances between cards. Even with a 0% APR promotion, you will typically have to pay a balance transfer fee each time you transfer of 3-5%. Balance transfers can be a good tool to save money, but shouldn’t be used as a crutch for avoiding getting out of debt permanently.

Apply for a Consolidation Loan

Like balance transfers, a consolidation loan can help you save money and streamline your life by putting all your credit card debt into one big pile. A consolidation loan issuer will take on your current debts at one APR rate under one loan. This is great to simplify your bills into one payment. It’s not always the best move, though, and may end up costing you more money if you aren’t careful. Also, be hypervigilant about credit counseling scams that might try to sell you a consolidation loan that might not be in your best interest. As student loan debt balloons, more and more debt consolidation scams are popping up targeting folks who are overwhelmed by debt.

Find More Money

This is easier said than done, I know. It’s super effective if you can make it happen. You can make extra money by taking on side jobs in addition to your primary job, like moving lawns or running errands or babysitting or freelancing. Or find an hourly part-time job that works with your schedule like bartending or retail or working for a catering company on the weekends. You can sell your stuff on eBay and craigslist or hold a yard sale. If you are an artist or crafter, you can generate income by selling your work. You can search ads for focus groups and clinical trials in your area. You should also fully allocate any extra money that comes your way (gifts, tax returns, bonuses) to your debt. Personally, I have one full-time job and two side jobs that bring in extra money sporadically. All the money from my side jobs goes towards my debts, as well as a portion of my monthly budget and any unexpected influx that comes my way.

Debt Management Self Care

Reduce Temptation

Delete your credit card info from your online shopping accounts. Keep those cards out of your wallet, unless you have pre-planned to use them for some reason. Unsubscribe from shopping e-alerts from your favorite stores or at least set them to auto-archive into a folder so you won’t see them in your inbox anymore.

Reward Yourself

When you reach a financial goal, by all means reward yourself! Celebrate! Treat yourself to something nice! You deserve it, you financially savvy badass!

Don’t Set Unattainable Goals

Also, set your goals reasonably. Some people are able to live a very frugal life in order to pay off debt. I applaud them! Some people don’t have a choice and have to live frugally if they want to survive and that’s real life. Personally, I try not to overspend, but I also want to live my life. When I make big purchases, it is because I want to buy something that will last and I can. For example, our invincible Dyson vacuum cleaner we bought when our old one died. I don’t spend a lot on fancy food or new clothes, but I do spend a good amount of money on theatre. I really like theatre. It’s part of my activist self-care and it pays artists and it enriches my life and I can afford it while still making a dent in my credit card debt. I don’t regret it. For you, maybe you can give up eating out most days to save money, but you give yourself a pass for your favorite take-out place once per week. Or a big vacation trip that you save up for and can look forward to while you scrimp and save.

You need to figure out what things in your life you can afford and still be actively working on your debt, as well as how you most want to prioritize your spending. It may be that you have the dedication to go without any eating out or shopping or entertainment budget. Striking a balance that works for you is what is going to help you stick to your budget.

How to Get a Credit Card and Not Totally Ruin Your Life Forever

If you are over the age of 18 and have not yet applied for your first credit card, this is for you. If you are over the age of 18 and have more credit card debt than you would like to publicly admit, this is less for you, but we should talk about that because honey, I feel you!

If you don’t have a credit card, you’re probably wondering why you even should. After all, they call the young folks today the generation of debt. According to the Federal Reserve Bank, Americans have racked up $1.3 trillion of student loan debt, more than double the amount of debt carried by Americans just eight years ago. That debt is growing at a rate of $3055.19 per second. Wheeee!

We are putting off owning homes, buying cars, and making babies in record numbers, and queer and trans folks are dealing with this in addition to issues like workplace discrimination, barriers to creating and being respected as families and parents, and overall higher rates of economic insecurity.

So here we are and you are thinking, Why are you even bringing up getting a credit card? Isn’t that the worst possible thing I could do?

Here’s the thing, for those of you who are not planning to live off the grid: if you ever plan to own property, get a loan for a car or a piece of furniture or a household appliance, additional school loans or loans for your kids, you need a history of decent credit. Debit cards don’t count towards your credit score. If you have school loans, they do! Additionally, very few of us these days have an actual emergency fund. If you, like me and like most people, don’t have a few thousand dollars sitting in a bank in case you have a medical emergency or your face explodes, a credit card is not a bad thing to have as an emergency-only back-up plan.

But all credit cards are not created equal. Here’s what you want to look for and consider when applying for your first card.

Things a Good Card Must Have

So maybe you see those fancy black cards or diamond cards or whatnots on commercials and think those are the best bet. Well, they’re very nice, but they are also for the 1% or at the least, people with lots of money who aren’t getting their very first credit card. You want a card that can grow with you. Look for a card with:

• No annual fee: The more perks a card has, the higher the annual fee. However, you really just need a basic card and you likely can only get a basic card if you have limited credit history. The only time an annual fee card might be a good idea is if you are getting a secured card to help repair a bad credit history (more on secured cards below).
• Low APR (annual percentage rate): The APR is a fancy term for the numeric representation of your yearly interest rate, which involves math that you really don’t have to know. Just know that a lower APR is better. 23.9% APR is very high. Less that 19.9% APR is ok. Less than 14.9% is very good. Less than 9.9% is great. Less than that is almost impossible in 2015. (I had a 4.9% rate on my first-ever credit card almost 15 years ago, but those days are long gone.) If the card has a special introductory APR rate, also look at the APR after the intro period ends (usually a range of possible APR’s based on your credit-worthiness). Also, look at the penalty APR, which are typically quite high. If you miss a payment, the issuer can bump you up to the penalty APR immediately.
• 0% introductory APR: If you have a little bit of credit history already and a fair credit score, you may be able to get a card with a 0% introductory APR. This is often a great deal. Again, just be sure that the regular APR rate isn’t extremely high.
• A fair grace period (typically 30 days): This is the amount of time you have to pay off your balance before you are charged interest. You could theoretically pay your balance in full each month and never pay interest on your purchases. Most credit cards bill monthly, so you have until your next credit card statement to pay off your charges.

Things a Good Card Might Have

• Rewards Programs: No annual fee cards don’t tend to have massive rewards programs, but you can easily find a card that will give you airline miles, 1%-2% cash back on purchases, discounts at online retailers, statement bonuses, and other rewards perks. If you have a fair credit score, you should be able to get a card that will give you some rewards while you build your credit history.
• Perks at Your Favorite Store/Airline/Hotel/Capitalist Megastore: If you typically fly the same airline to see your long distance partner or you often stay at the same hotel chain for work or fun or you like to shop on Amazon.com, you can totally get a credit card that will give you extra rewards at those places and even help you earn free flights/nights/stuff with your everyday purchases. Hurrah!
• Car Rental Insurance: Many cards come with car rental insurance and collision coverage included, if you rent the car with your credit card.
• Trip Cancellation Insurance: Some cards also cover your cancellation fees if you have to cancel a flight at the last moment.
• Student Card: Having very little credit history doesn’t mean you’re locked out of getting a decent card if you’re a student. Student cards, offered by most banks, are particularly for younger folks with little to no credit history and a limited amount of income. The spending limits tend to be low, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You can also check and see how and when you can upgrade your student card to a regular card when and if you want to.
• Secured Card: If you already have a poor credit score, getting a credit card can be really challenging… near impossible if you have a messed up credit history. A secured card may be your best option. Generally, a secured card isn’t the best deal because there tends to be an annual fee and the spending limits are very low. How it works, though, is that the card links to a savings account. The savings account is collateral and your account limit will be what is in the savings account. So the bank knows there is cold hard cash available to them if you don’t pay your card. And you get to start building or rebuilding your credit history. Hooray!

Other Things to Consider

• Do you want to owe money to a bank? Getting a credit card is possibly one of the most capitalist things you can do. I mean, probably not, but kind of. If getting in bed with a bank makes you feel like you need a scalding hot shower, there are some other options. Look into your local credit union or, if one exists where you are, a co-operative banking institution. These banking institutions are member-owned and can still issue credit cards and handle all your other financial needs. In fact, credit unions sometimes have the best rates on home and auto loans, so if that’s in your future, it’s good to sign up with one now.
• How will you use your new spending power? Some advocate that you only use your cards in emergencies. Like abstinence-only sex ed, this would be foolproof advice, except it doesn’t work for most people. Also, you will build your good credit faster if you are actually using your cards. Just keep your balances low. Don’t spend more than you are able to pay off quickly (advice that I have learned the hard way and am still paying for). Don’t treat credit cards like a loan (again, advice that would have helped me a decade ago). To build and maintain a good score, you should strive to not use more than 30% of your available credit at any time. But really, pay your bill each month. On-time payments are a must. Some will say to pay your balance in full each month. It’s not the worst advice. But if you want to build your credit score, you should actually carry a small balance from month-to-month, a manageable balance. Like, you would be able to pay it off in full quickly if you had to.
• How many cards should you get? Slow down, Bessie. Start with one card. Opening more cards in a short period of time can hurt your credit score. Also, this is a new thing, so start slow until you are sure you can handle the responsibility of more credit.
• Do you know your current credit score? Before you even start applying, check out your credit score and check your goddamn credit report. Your report is a detailed record of all your credit history, which includes info on your trade lines (credit cards, school and car loans, mortgages, that computer you financed at Best Buy), public records (unpaid utility bills, bankruptcy reports, liens, and overdue debt), and credit inquiries (when a bank or lender looks up your credit report). Your score is a numeric representation of your credit worthiness (how much you are to be trusted with money) and a higher score is what will open the door to getting larger loans (like a mortgage) in the future. You can get your report annually from the three major credit bureaus for free. And you should totally check it, even if you don’t care about ever getting a credit card. Because if someone ever steals your identity or hacks your accounts, that might ruin your credit and you want to catch and dispute those charges as soon as possible. You used to have to pay to see your credit score, almost always. However, there are ways now to monitor your score for free. You can use a program like My Bankrate to check your report and score for free, even if you have very little credit history. Many major credit card companies and banks are now offering credit scores to their customers online for free, so check if you have a current bank and/or card with a major carrier.

How to Build a Really Good Credit Score

• Make payments on time. This is the most important thing, ya’ll.
• Use 30% or less of your available credit. This is why, after you’ve established a credit history, having multiple cards isn’t necessarily bad. The higher your available credit, the lower your credit usage. Like, if you have a $1000 credit limit on one card, you should try to never use more than $300 (30% available credit), but if you have a $2000 total credit available on two cards, that $300 is only 15% of your total available credit. MATH.
• Keep your card for a long time, and use it. The longer and more frequently you use your credit, the more your score will ascend to greatness.
• Think about different types of accounts. Do you just have a million school loans? Or do you also have credit accounts, other loans like mortgages, etc? The harder an account is to get, the more it reflects positively on your score. Mortgage accounts, for example, are a big A+ on your account (as long as you are making your current payments) because they are hard to get — seriously, I know this for a fact.
• But also, don’t start too many new accounts. The more accounts in voluntary inquiries (what happens when you apply for credit and a lender checks your score with your permission) you have in a period of time, the lower your score. Yet another reason to start with one card when you are just building credit.

The Real Deal

You may be reading this and thinking, “Yes! I am so prepared now to get my first card or a new card! This is very good information!” I hope that is what you are thinking. You may also be reading this and thinking, “It’s too late for me. I’ve already made all the bad choices. This is making me have a panic attack.” Well, if you are in the latter group, I’m just going to put out there that I’m there, too!

I learned all this good stuff about credit after I’d already racked up considerable credit card debt. Plus, I was underemployed for a period of time after college and made the poor choice of relying a little too much on my credit cards. My spouse and I are still working on paying off our many debts and will be for decades. However, we are doing OK. We have still managed to buy a house and plan a bit for the future, even. I’ll never be rich and it’s hard to imagine ever being 100% debt free, but I know I’ll get closer to that in time. Over the past decade, I’ve watched my score go from the 500s (pretty low and sad) to the mid-700s (very respectable) due to paying on time, learning a lot about how credit works, and monitoring my credit score and reports. Perhaps paying off existing cards and fixing debt is another article for another time, but I just want you all to know that, despite having all this knowledge about credit cards, I did not follow my own advice. And I’m still going to be fine.

We don’t talk about money enough because it’s uncomfortable and social norms say it’s rude. But damn, our generations have really been hit hard by the economy. And our community is especially vulnerable. We have to talk about it to help each other survive it! If you have experience with credit cards or other tips you want to share, post them in the comments! Let’s learn and thrive together!

When Two (or More) Become One: Relationship Budgeting for the Financial Planning Adverse

Is that the jingly jangly sound of U-haul keys I hear? Well, congrats, cowgurl, you and your partner(s) have decided to cohabitate. Remember to lift with your knees!

Now that you are done combining your varied assortment of goods and furniture, it’s time to take a look at your household finances. In a platonic roommate situation, expenses are usually split evenly among all housemates. This can work for your family finances, too, but there are other ways that might work better. Here are some ideas on how to pay your bills and set up your household budget now that you are a live-in family unit!

The All-In Joint Checking Account

Many folks opt for this simple option. Put all of your moneys in one account. Now pay your expenses out of that account. Tada! There’s nothing inherently wrong with the all-in joint account, but I personally believe there are better ways. In the very worst case scenario, if your relationship becomes unhealthy or abusive, having your own separate account means your partner will be less able to control you financially. It will be easier to keep your money if you choose to leave. Even if you just have a regular ol’ break up, it can be painful and messy to separate out who gets how much out of the joint account. Or to rush to close it before one partner withdraws all the funds or buys a spite Dyson or something.

One Wage Earner Household

If there is only one wage-earner in your relationship, a joint account is not a bad idea, so that everyone has access to household funds. It’s very important, however, especially when one person earns wages and the other(s) does oft under-appreciated and unpaid work like raising kids, cleaning the house, etc, that there is mutual respect for the value of every person’s work. The stay-at-home partner(s) shouldn’t feel like they are asking for an allowance from the wage-earner, nor should the wage-earner think they have the final say in financial matters.

Multiple Wage Earner Household

If you do decide to go with a single joint account and you are all putting your income into it, make sure that you respect each other’s contributions to the relationship evenly. In most cases, one person is going to be generating more income. That does not make them the queen or king of the household budget castle. Everyone who contributed to the household should get an equal say. So, if your partner is the one making less than you, they shouldn’t feel like they’re unworthy of that fancy hair oil they covet while you are out buying all the Autostraddle merchandise for yourself. That is unfair and it will lead to fights. This is why I think the all-in joint account is often not the best option, though it’s what a lot of people seem to default to. It can work well as long as everyone is treated fairly.

The Joint + Individual Account

I believe having your own personal account is the best, if you have a two-income (or more) family. My partner and I do the joint + individual account. We both have our own checking accounts and we are free to spend our extra income any way we want. We have a plan to pay for our bills and we have savings goals that we both contribute to, but if I feel like picking up Thai food on my way home and my partner wants to buy a new shirt, we don’t have to check in with each other. We can pay with the money we earned and feel rightfully entitled to. I’m not saying we don’t fight about money ever, but it helps that we are the masters of our own financial domains. We do have joint accounts that we use for specific purposes. Here are some ways you can make a joint + individual plan work for you.

Joint Evenly Spaced Bills Account

This is a great idea, but you’ll have to get some seed money first. If you’re getting a significant tax return, this could be a great way to use it. You could also start putting away a little money at a time until you have enough for this. My partner’s sister and her boyfriend do this and it works for them.

So how this works is that you use your joint checking account just for paying your monthly bills. You add up all your monthly household bills: rent/mortgage, utilities, Netflix, internet, porn subscriptions. The necessities. Then, you look at both of your incomes and figure out how much you would both need to contribute, per month, to pay for all those bills. You could split the amount evenly among you. Or you can weight it by how much you make. For example, let’s say one person makes $40,000 a year and their partner makes $20,000 and your total bills are $600 (That’s obviously way low, but I’m bad at math, so I picked an easy number to work with. Stay with me). So your total bills are $600 and one person makes twice as much as the other, so the higher earner would be responsible for $400/month and the lower earner would be responsible for $200/month. Get it?

Then you take how much you owe per month and figure out how much per pay period you need to contribute. Every pay period, skim that amount into the joint account and your bills will always be covered! You can even set up an automatic transfer or auto-deposit into the account, so you don’t even notice the money being taken our of your check. The nice thing about this is that you know exactly how much money you have to put in every pay period. There isn’t one week with a huge bill and another week with no bills. The downside is, that in order for this to work, you need to put in the total amount of your monthly at the beginning, so you’re always replenishing what is being taken out and never overdraw.

Regular Joint Bills Account

This is the simpler version of the bills account, where the payments into the account are not evenly spaced, but deposited on a bill-by-bill basis. You don’t need seed money for this one, so it’s easier to start right away. You get a bill. You figure out what each person owes. You all transfer or deposit the amount into your joint account. You pay the bill. You repeat this process for every bill, probably making deposits on a weekly basis. So, for example: Rent is due. It’s $1000. You each contribute $500 to the joint account. The bill is paid out of the joint account. Easy peasy.

Joint Transfer Account

In this scenario, you use the joint account for giving money to each other. Assuming you all have the same bank (which makes the joint + individual much easier), you can also use the joint account to quickly and easily transfer money to each other. Instead of dealing with cash or checks, if you need to get your partner $50, you just put the $50 into the joint account and then they withdraw it to their account. If you’re going to use the account this way, just make sure you have unlimited withdrawals. Most checking accounts do, but some savings accounts have a limit on the number of withdrawals you can make per month.

Joint Savings Account

You can also use a joint account just to contribute to household savings for special stuff: home repairs, vacations, a holiday gift fund, concert tickets, A-camp. This is like a virtual piggy bank. You just keep putting money in until you have enough for whatever you are saving for. It’s fun to watch that number go up each week until you have enough to withdraw it in singles and roll around in it like Scrooge McDuck!

If you’re really financially savvy and lucky enough to have some extra funds at the end of the week, you could use this account for emergency savings. In our household budget, we both put a small amount ($20 each) into our joint savings each week for emergencies. We are trying to eliminate a massive amount of credit card debt, so having a small emergency fund means that if one of our cars breaks down, we have a place to get that money from that isn’t a credit card. Financial planning experts recommend having at least three months worth of an emergency fund built up. Personally, I know no one who has that much in their emergency fund. It’s a nice idea, but without a living wage, it’s impossible. Even with a living wage, you have to have quite a bit of discretionary income or a ton of self-control to make that work. Our little emergency fund vacillates between $100-$1000, but we usually end up needing it and it gets dropped back down to $0. I’m glad it’s there when we need it though!

Other Ways to Split the Bills

If you decide not to join your accounts in any way or decide not to pay your bills out of a joint account, you still need to pay your bills. Here’s how that may work for you.

Divide Up the Bills

Write down all the bills and household expenses (groceries, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc) you have each month and how much they cost. Divvy up who is paying for what, in a way that seems most fair. For example, if one person is responsible for the phone bill, then their partner can be responsible for the electric bill. In a household of three, if one person pays for transportation costs, another can pay for groceries, and the last pays for cleaning supplies. This way, everyone is responsible for something and, ideally, you end up each paying a fair amount based on what you earn. It may be that one of you is responsible for a really big bill (like rent/mortgage) and has to collect from the other(s) each month. For smaller bills, you trust each other to take care of them and you don’t have to pay each other back-and-forth for every single expense.

Go Even Steven

Of course, you can just divide everything up evenly, like you typically would do with roommates. You can set up an envelope system — one envelope with how much is owed for each bill. You can have one person be in charge of paying all the bills and collecting the appropriate amount from other(s). If one person is really financially savvy, this can work to their skills.

Talking About Money in a Relationship

Money has broken relationships, torn apart families, devastated civilizations. It can get emotional talking about money. You may find you and your partner are on the same page completely or very, very different in your spending and budgeting habits. Most likely, you will find some common ground and some areas you need to negotiate. I want to add here, if it isn’t clear, that I know lots of people don’t have the luxury of saving funds or paying all their bills or even having one checking account. Our communities are disproportionately affected by poverty because we face discrimination in all areas of life, especially in employment and public accommodation. I hope some of these tips can be helpful regardless of whether you are rolling in the dough or scraping by to meet your basic needs. Especially when money is tight, it’s important that conversations about money don’t get swept under the rug in your relationship. Here are some things to think about with your partner.

Maintain a Judgement-Free Zone on Spending Habits

Unless your partner is spending money on things that are actually harmful to them or others, it does no good to make fun of them for what they spend their money on. I joke that my partner is a clothes horse because it is totally true! Seriously, who needs three dressers and a closet and still has overflow clothing?! But I digress. You should actually not make fun of your partner(s), really. In our relationship, I’m the one that is always giving money away. Seriously, I am donating to all the Kickstarters and giving money to people on the street and making donations to this org and this candidate. So we both make decisions about our personal funds and, as long as we are still able to keep up with our household expenses and other financial goals, it’s OK. However, if you are not able to afford food or heat and your partner is still buying another kitchen gadget off an infomercial, it may be time for a talk about spending habits.

Also, it makes sense to set a threshold for when you have to check in with each other on spending. This is especially true if you have an all-in joint account. $50? $100? $500? $1000? At what point do you need to be consulting each other on where your joint money is going? It may be that you feel you don’t need to at all, but the conversation is important.

Make Time to Treat Yourselves

If money is very tight, it’s hard to justify any excess expense, but studies show you are more likely to stick to your budget if you allow yourself some fun splurges now and then. So go out for that date night. Order takeout once in a while. Go out and meet friends for a drink. You can also find low-cost or no-cost ways to treat yourselves to something nice. Take a walk together. Go to a free museum or art exhibit. Make popcorn at home and have a movie night. Talking about money matters is less stressful if you are making time for self-care and fun in your relationship.

Support Each Other in Your Financial Goals

It’s often the case that one person is more financially-minded than the other(s) in a relationship. This is OK. It can be helpful to come up with strategies to stay on track together. For example, if one of you is bad at keeping track of when bills are due, set up a calendar system that reminds them when bills are due each week or each payday. If one of you has a lot of loan debt or credit card debt, support them in coming up with a plan to pay off the debt.

Consult an expert

If you’re at the point in life and in your relationship that you have your basic needs covered and are trying to figure out what to do next, make an appointment with a financial planner. Or, if you are struggling to create a budget for yourself or your household, make an appointment with a financial planner. At your local bank, there’s probably someone who will do a consultation with you for free.

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If you have additional tips to share, let us hear ’em in the comments!