I Watched Lesbian Classic “Disobedience” and Be Quiet Tiffany

Editor’s note: Some of our readers and writers loved Disobedience. Some of our readers and writers did not. We are not a monolith, and thank goodness for that.

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Welcome back to Watching Lesbian Classics, a public log of lesbian movies that’ve managed to evade me because I’ve willingly chosen not to watch them and their subsequent reviews! It’s been quite the two-year journey, from the depths of Everything Relative hell to the soaring views atop I Can’t Think Straight. What an incredible wealth of queer history.

Last time we covered Liz in September, a movie that was a dollop of melancholy, a splash of vacation, and a sprinkle of cancer. Up next is Disobedience, a movie for which I left my home and paid money to watch alongside every queer woman in Los Angeles, California one fateful night almost a year ago. That means this very special episode of Watching Lesbian Classics will be from memory, as I want queer cinema to thrive at the box office, and engaging in torrenting gay culture effectively ruins the chances of that happening.

Also because I never want to see this movie again.

Let’s get some things out of the way about Disobedience, a movie that’s been advertised on this very website. Yes, it’s a mainstream movie with two women inches from each other’s face on the movie’s poster, adding it to the vast cannon of lesbian movie posters with two women just inches from each other’s face. Yes, there is a sex scene wherein Rachel Weisz unsnaps Rachel McAdams bodysuit in a way that made me rear my neck back as if to say, “Is that so, Miss Weisz?” and a from-the-behind situation that was inspiring. This was great for the gay community and me personally.

But here’s the thing about that sex scene, which could be representative of the entire movie: it was scored by music that sounded like the end of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where a victorious Charlie overlooks the city in fantastical wonder. Two hot people having sex, and then there in the metaphorical corner stands a man in a purple top hat who’s smiling like he’s just dying to tell you a secret.

And so went every other scene — the potential for greatness ruined by a terrible tangential choice. What was even more upsetting is that the better choice was often self-contained, the mismatched answer tucked into another scene. Like, for example, the audio from a scene where a group of Jewish men chant a prayer, which would have been the perfect score for the aforementioned sex scene. Having hot, forbidden sex to the very soundtrack that’s supposed to forbid it would have blown everybody’s bangs back, and yet we went with Generic Bank Or Insurance Or Like… Dog Food Commercial Background.

But enough about bangs and the various ways in which they could have been tossed, let’s get to what actually happened:

Ronit (Rachel Weisz) is living as a photographer in NYC – AKA “The Big Apple” and star of You’ve Got Mail – when she gets news that her father, a revered rabbi in her hometown, has died. She goes home for the funeral and divvying of the estate, and here we meet Esti (Rachel McAdams), Ronit’s secret former flame, and Dovid, Ronit’s cousin. Esti and Dovid are married, which is a bit of a banana peel situation for Ronit.

Somewhere in the home auditing walkthrough – wherein Ronit and Esti speak approximately twelve words to each other while Ronit occasionally touches things that she sees on shelves – we learn that, save for each other, neither Ronit nor Esti have been with another woman. Yes, despite being someone who’s rejected her religious upbringing and who’s a part of New York City’s art scene, this film was telling me that Ronit’s bisexual ass had never been with another woman after Esti. The disrespect jumped out!

Dovid takes over Ronit’s father’s role in their orthodox community as rabbi, and I’m telling you, the man loves God. He can’t get enough of Him! This means: he and Esti have dinner in silence, light prayer candles in silence, and in general just co-exist in silence. The guest room, prepared silently, gets set for Ronit under Dovid’s watchful eye.

Over the next couple of days, Ronit and Esti follow each other around town. Lotta just walking around if I’m being honest. There’s even a scene where the viewer is treated to a full minute of a large group of people walking down a narrow sidewalk with zero dialogue and a frantic back-and-forth POV between Esti and Ronit looking at each other like they’ve both just seen sharks in their respective areas of water and are trying to communicate that telepathically to each other.

Eventually, Ronit and Esti get a hotel room and surrender to what we were all there for: sex in a world of pure imagination. The fabled mouth spit delivers! Esti returns home and Dovid knows what’s happened, and to this situation he sends his literal thoughts and prayers. Then Esti reveals that she’s pregnant and tells Dovid she wants her freedom. Ronit’s like, still gonna be a no from me in terms of you being my cousin’s wife. Neutralizing this situation, Dovid, fresh off a fire eulogy about free will, tells Esti she is free.

And there, the movie – full of Rachels and taboo and possibility – ended as it lived, not with a bang but with a cough from the back of a room. I don’t know how else to summarize my overall feel towards the movie other than to tell you that as the last scene lingered, the camera slowly settling into a wide shot of Ronit, Esti, and Dovid hitting that group Christian-side-hug, I was informed by my viewing companion that I started to do the “wrap it up” hand motion before the credits even began to roll.

I’m willing to concede to the fact that not every movie is going to be for me. I watch Hamlet 2 on repeat as if it will eventually unlock the secrets to the universe, and so I know this isn’t even a sound baseline of quantification. That said, I do wonder who this movie was for. Progressive religious people? Religious gays? Timid gays? It’s a question that accompanied a long line of questions throughout the entire film.

Also in line was: who am I supposed to be rooting for, exactly, in a narrative dedicated in equal parts to three people? Just behind that was how much should we as an audience be expected to really invest in what’s at stake when it’s never been clearly established? Peaking behind those questions was what is this movie even trying to say — about religion, about desire, about ownership, about duty, about life? Screaming from the back was what the fuck is even going on? All of my questions in a row, Brady Bunching down an escalator, distracting me from anything on screen.

But none of these questions would compare to the one that got born in the theater’s darkness. Standing there, in front of all of these women, as someone who was rooting for you, for everyone that was rooting for you, knowing that I’d never yelled at girl movie like this, the question most on my mind was: how dare you?

I Watched Lesbian Movie “Liz in September” and You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me

Welcome back to Watching Lesbian Classics, a series where I wade through sapphic cinematic waters with rocks in my pockets. Last time we covered The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, where together we learned “Incredibly True” was code for “Life’s Mediums in Real Time,” and I exclusively learned that having this film suggested to me by a friend meant I had some wrongs to right.

The movie we’re about to cover wasn’t suggested to me by a friend with whom I’d unknowingly had an unresolved issue, or anyone. I sought this film out on my own, with nothing but an image of two women bathed in sepia tones just inches from each other’s faces burned into my memory as my guide.

I knew I’d find what I was looking for on Netflix because this film had been suggested to me hundreds, if not thousands, of times due to what I assumed was an extremely confused algorithm. Awaiting me in my search was Liz in September, a film whose premise I would come to learn included a summary with the phrase “terminally-ill lesbian.” A devastating blow to an already shaky resolve.

Having watched it, I now know that it wasn’t a confused algorithm that was behind this film’s constant manifestations, but an admission of guilt. As soon as this movie found out about this series it was like “Ah, goddamnit,” and became one of those people want to confess as soon as possible and get their punishment over with rather than deal with their conscience. Because it knew. It knew.

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Our protagonist (?), Liz, first appears to us as a person floating in water with a very important announcement. Good for her! For some background, she explains that she was born gay and became even gayer once she started sleeping with women. Who can relate. She continues on and on about how much she loves women, donning this sinister face while doing so. Then she encourages someone named Dolores to “remember her like this” when she’s gone. Floating. Her angel, perhaps, floating in space.

We fade into a forlorn Eva, who sleeps next to a picture of boy that looks like it came with the frame, but I’ll trust that she knows him. Probably nothing sad is tied to this relationship also. She hears a text alert and checks what we learn is her husband’s phone. He’s being called into the hospital again, but he doesn’t get a chance to say goodbye because Eva pretends to be asleep. A classic.

We transition from a somber beach montage to a somber driving montage overlaid with calming mantras like “No one is innocent” and “Death is God’s greatest betrayal.” I like to listen to music on a drive, but this is also an option. Eva then hits a pothole, and when she pulls over in the nearest town, it’s inexplicably attributed to her “blown engine.”

Satisfied with this answer, Eva hands her keys to a man, who prior to this exchange looked like he was simply walking down the street. He suggests a resort down the road while he “fixes her car” and definitely not while he “sells it for parts.” Taking this at face value, Eva takes off on foot down an abandoned street. She reaches the resort and meets Margot, the benevolent owner who is drinking a full glass of wine at noon. Eva explains she’s stranded. Give me just one night…

Eva settles into her room by putting up the picture of her bowled-cut – and probably very alive – son next to her computer. Then she watches out her window and is intrigued by the sight of Liz, Liz’s friend Any, and – I’m very happy to announce – a golden retriever named Lola running down the beach.

Suddenly, after a quick cut to a smirking Eva, the dog has disappeared.

In this way I believe the filmmaker is alluding to Eva’s abandonment of heterosexuality after just one glance at two gay women running down the beach with a dog, the golden retriever perfectly embodying the essence of a straight man. Post-jog, Liz takes a walk and wonders in a series of voiceovers how many days she has left.

Look, the shirt of a woman who loves to party in a film that matches its tone! Liz has come down to the dock to fish and unwind. Or rewind, more like it!!! A non-shout out to all my catch-and-releasers one time. Eva, now in tune with an alternative lifestyle, gets wind that a woman in jorts has just set out into nature.

Answering the call, she follows Liz’s path, and when presented with this isolated walkway, she looks back (to her old life) one last time before continuing on her quest. In this way I believe the filmmaker is comparing homosexuality to a dry forest of sticks.

The first thing Eva does upon encountering Liz on the dock is throw the fish Liz has just caught back into the water. There in that moment they unlock the Incredulous Meet-Cute Achievement. Of course, Liz softens to Eva as Eva is incredibly attractive. Within their conversation, Eva hits her with that “my husband” and so Liz hits her with that…

This is right before Liz hands Eva a replica of the hat she’s wearing, (meaning she has two of the same hat on her at all times?), informing Eva that “heatstroke kills.” I hope this is an hour and a half PSA for heatstroke.

At lunch, Liz explains that she’s invited Eva to their literal and metaphorical dinner at the all-lesbian resort. Any, who was racing Liz on the beach, is saying Liz can’t “turn” Eva, Liz is saying “I’ll have her in my bed in three days,” and I’m saying yikes. Everyone is uneasy about Liz’s decision since this is their safe space, especially Dolores, who is a famous but closeted writer.

If this feels very Marina and Jenny from The L Word, it’s because the woman playing Liz is Jenny’s “Marina” in Lez Girls. Right away, Eva is alerted to the fact that Liz and Dolores are exes. Later, Eva and Liz squirrel away to have a romantic moment on the beach and discuss Eva’s dead son.

The next morning everyone is hanging at the beach, and it seems this film is starting to lighten! Please lighten! Eva returns to the docks under the pretense of “returning a hat” as Liz is coming back from a boat ride. Eva tries to hand Liz her hat back but Liz tells her to keep it, I’m assuming because Liz has multiple of the same hat available to her at all times.

Liz then invites Eva on a boat ride right before some “diving” innuendos, and Eva asks an important question regarding going on a boat with someone alone:

She’s seen Forensic Files, ma’am! Still, Liz insists they go for a private-dive. Not worried about her life or abandoned car or husband or job (?), Eva risks it all and suits up.

When they reemerge, it’s raining and the boat has stalled. Neither can get the engine to turn over, and so Liz begins to cry. They hear thunder and take refuge on a nearby island. No words are being spoken by the way.

Now Liz has a (secret cancer) headache and Eva has offered to massage her temples. They spend the night on the island in silence. They are rescued by friends the next morning. The magic of the screen.

On their return, Liz offers Eva a motorcycle ride into town to retrieve her car. Liz In What Seems Like July tells Eva to “hold on, like a horse,” and grabs the thick of Eva’s thigh for further reference. That’s not how you ride a horse, but okay!

Shockingly, Liz moving one mechanical cap from Eva’s still broken down car to another area of Eva’s still broken down car doesn’t fix Eva’s car. It breaks down again while Eva attempts to drive home. Fate, you little rascal.

Eva calls Liz about needing a ride in the middle of Liz making out with Dolores’ girlfriend, Coqui. Huh? Dolores has been nothing but supportive in Liz’s time of need and Liz’s response to Coqui asking if she feels guilty is “Life’s short.” I was going to say at least this film has a solid group of friends, but kudos to this extra layer of hell.

Oh, I’ll mention this gross three-day bet is still happening, but then I’ll mention it no more! We only have time for the important topics at hand, like the return of Liz’s cancer. Well, only Liz’s friends have time for that, because Eva has purposefully been left in the dark. Instead, what Eva becomes privy to is Liz’s past as a heartbreaker. A model. A sister. A daughter. A lamp. Liz used to love ’em and leave ’em, but not anymore. Eva is taking in all of this information with the zeal of someone who’s just overdone it on a vape pen.

Later, Margot gets wasted at the front desk (that’s actually just a chair outside) and has a dream that she’s dancing with Yolanda, AKA the one who got away. Side note: Do they make Margot work even though it’s their vacation? Seems harsh. Dolores isn’t doing much better over in her room where she cries about Liz being sick. Wait’ll she hears about Liz being A TRAITOR.

Liz is again found laid out somewhere that is not a bed. Dolores has Liz’s chemotherapy drugs on her (sure) and administers them to Liz right there on the dock. Then, through tears, Liz asks Dolores to be the one to euthanize her when her day comes. Jesus take the wheel!

Oh no, Eva’s husband makes a surprise appearance at the market! He takes Eva back to the resort to pack up her things and helps by handing Eva the framed picture of their dead son before taking a work call. They speak zero words to each other before…

Which is how I imagine most straight relationship’s going. Filling the empty space with bolder and bolder propositions until they have both outdone themselves and are too busy to talk. They pull over to look at the ocean and talk about their dead son. This, naturally, leads to them having sex in the car, with one of the greatest losses a human can experience fresh in their minds.

Who among us. What a wasted opportunity. This could have really been something with someone else. Me, as one example.

Liz finds a book Eva left for her with the inscription: “We’ll always have numbers,” whatever that means. Counting, maybe? I’m really racking my brain here. Liz counts under water a lot? To 100? Ah, a brief encounter with a special someone, time to leave a note simply stating: “Math.”

Without explanation – and I’m talking literally zero mention of her husband, how she got back, what’s motivating her, what she plans to do – Eva returns to the resort looking for Liz. No one seems to know where she is, but Lola, god bless and keep her, leads Eva to Liz’s room. If there was any doubt in Lola – and if there was, how dare you – it’s confirmed Eva’s in the right room when she finds Liz’s jorts on the bed.

In snooping, Eva finds two very important things: Liz’s cancer drugs and a picture of Liz’s face in her own medicine cabinet. Which is more worrying, Eva doesn’t know.

You know where Liz has been this whole time? Getting drunk at the street festival by herself. The gang arrive to take her home, and somehow in this process they go a full two minutes without bringing up Liz’s cancer. Remarkable.

Back at the resort, Eva decides to stay in Liz’s room for the night. Liz looks at Eva in a brief moment of consciousness and then it looks like she dies. She doesn’t, and wakes up to Eva in her bed. Up to this point there hasn’t been any discussion of mutual attraction or feelings or desires, so this is probably a bit of a shock for Liz.

Even more of a shock has to be when Eva wakes up, pops her shirt off, and kisses Liz, who by the way drank a bunch of liquor and then passed out without brushing her teeth and is probably sweating pure alcohol. What follows is less sex-having and more just lying on top of each other, probably because they didn’t get turned on by first talking about Eva’s dead son.

It’s Liz’s birthday party where her friends gift her a painting and an iPod with sex songs. Here’s hoping for an Eva/Liz do-over! Cushioned within toasts for Liz are everyone’s resolutions. Any says hers is to beat Liz at something, anything. Liz immediately challenges Any to a swimming race, and it’s sort of like, calm down. The race doesn’t go great for Liz, even though she wins, as it results in a trip to the hospital.

Okay, but WHY are we really doing this. This film has so much potential to be, if not fun, at least not an unending pit of despair. Now we’re in an underwater world of existential reeling. We swim through water as Liz asks,”Will you remember me? What will I have left behind?”

Hospital talk. New chemo treatments. Surgery. Liz has two months to live. Liz wants Dolores to kill her, Dolores says she can’t, and then Eva says SHE’LL DO IT. I am begging y’all right now, PLEASE tell me this is still just a PSA for heatstroke and not a full-length feature that includes an all-lesbian resort with hot women but focuses instead on cancer and euthanasia.

Eva takes Liz to the beach to tell her something special, and then places Liz’s hand on her stomach. Eva promises if it’s a girl to name her after Liz, a woman she just met a week ago and for whom she left her husband – who’s car-baby it is, by the way – even though that same woman is days away from dying of cancer. Liz one-ups Eva in the competition to bum everyone out by asking what she should ask Eva’s DEAD SON when she gets to heaven.

Then, don’t you dare, Eva gets out a syringe. No. Tell me we are not about to watch Eva euthanize Liz right now. Oh my god. OH MY GOD. Much like the time we watched Better Than Chocolate and were met with an equally-traumatic ending, we just came here for a romantic comedy!!!

Then, obviously, there is a beach/stick/water montage. I can hear a child laughing in the distance, and I bet I know who’s (dead) child it is. Oh, nope, it’s…

Rest in peace to Eva’s son, Liz, happiness, light, hope, trees, the sun, probably Lola in a sequel to this movie, and most importantly, me.

I Watched Lesbian Classic “The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love” and Confirmed That Life Is Suffering

Welcome back to Watching Lesbian Classics, AKA an ongoing experiment where one woman tests her threshold for pain. We left off on Jennifer’s Body, a film that perfectly captures the gay experience of two women destroying each other in their quest for love, and for a brief moment, my love for cinema returned. But I didn’t know what waited in the shadows for me. I never do.

As usual, I crowdsourced for our next movie, and Laneia, executive editor of Autostraddle and supposed friend, suggested The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love starring Laurel Holloman from The L Word because it was “cute” and that, “This movie might be the one reason I didn’t hate Tina to the level that I could/should have.” What I did to Laneia to deserve this kind of setup job, well, I guess I’ll never really know. May this review be my first step towards forgiveness.

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We open with Laurel Holloman as “Randy” making out with an older married woman in a gas station bathroom. This, by the way, is the most interesting thing that will happen in this entire movie. Let that settle in.

Then Randy dazzles down the street in rollerblades. We come to learn that, to Randy, rollerblading is not a hobby or sport, but an invitation to push boundaries. She rollerblades on gravel, grass, old wood – really anywhere.

She describes herself as “rough around the edges,” and based on her rollerblading style, I believe her. She doesn’t think about the future and is a live in the moment kind of gal. Tite.

Randy lives with her Aunt Rebecca and her aunt’s girlfriend in a house where the hours do not follow a cyclical pattern, as the only time is supper time. They’re enjoying a nice family meal when suddenly the doorbell rings and Randy SCREAMS that she’ll get the door even though the two people who need to know this information are sitting less than an arm’s length away. If I was sitting at a table with someone who screamed as loud as Laurel Holloman does in this scene that they were going to get the door, I’d make sure they were okay before letting them get up from the table because perhaps their vocal chords had burst.

Randy opens the door to Lena, another alt-looking white lady who has a pair of boxing gloves slung over her shoulder, and whom the camera pans allllllll the way down if you know what I mean. (I don’t.) Anyway, for as much attention as Lena’s entrance has been given, we don’t hear about her again for the rest of the movie.

Randy’s in high school – which based on her full grown adult appearance makes sense – but isn’t great at it. Her friend, Frank, reminds her that it’s okay not to be good at something, and that you should think positively despite it. Uh, wow, millennial much?????

Randy is persecuted at school for being gay. When she passes three of her classmates, they start whispering about Randy’s home life saying, “They’re, like, all lesbians there.” Then one of the girls goes, “Just goes to show you.” Full stop. Naturally, another one’s like, “Just goes to show you what?” and then the first one follows up with, “I don’t know. Whatever.” This made it into a script!

Randy’s aunt owns the gas station where we first met Randy making out in the best, most sanitary place to make out with someone, and one day a woman (future note: it’s a teen) stops in to get her tires filled. We find out it’s Evie, a classmate of Randy’s! Randy helps fills her tires because Randy wears cargo pants and kicks tires whenever she sees them. Evie really appreciates Randy pumping up her tires. Randy’s like, “It’s whatever.”

Evie asks if Randy goes to Wallace High School, instead of what I would ask Randy, which is if she was an established realtor around town. Randy’s like, “You mean Wallace PRISON?” Wow, if there was a superlative for Chillest By Far in Randy’s and Evie’s high school year book for teens and not adults, it would have to go to Randy ferrrr sureeee.

At school, Evie is being interrogated by her maybe-boyfriend about why she’s pushing him away. She responds with a series of big-picture questions instead of addressing his question at all, which I think is a great move.

A prosecuting lawyer: I’m going to ask this plainly: Did you launder millions of dollars through the mattress chain store Mattress Firm for the Russian government?

Me on the stand: Can any of us say we really know another person?

Randy is not just bad at the academic part of school, she’s bad at school in general. She’s been late so many times that one of her teachers is like, “No, thank you,” when Randy tries to attend a particular class, and so Randy runs into the bathroom, throws her books on the FLOOR, and kicks in every stall.

Randy finds Evie in the bathroom. “All the good stuff goes down there.” – The writer of this movie. Evie is lamenting over her boyfriend and wondering why some things in life are so hard. Like, isn’t there a scenario in which it’s “love, not obligation,” Evie wonders? Randy agrees. Then Randy says, “Try going out with a married woman.” Evie’s like “Huh?” and doesn’t ask any more questions, even though truly what a thing to drop into a conversation without any clarification.

Might as well have a cigarette about it, right?

Wrong. They’re caught smoking, and after a trip to the principal’s office, they’re in detention together. They’re stealing looks, and passing notes, and showing each other their doodles, and giggling. Now they’re bonded, Randy says. That’s an entire scene dedicated to the high school detention experience for you.

After detention, Evie asks if Randy needs a ride. Then as if she’s Viola Davis delivering a devastating one-liner about the hardships of life, Randy, re: her rollerblades, says: “They’ve been sticking a little bit, the wheels.”

In the car Evie asks if the married woman thing is real. Randy confirms and asks if that weirds Evie out. It doesn’t weird Evie out, winkie face. Evie says she’ll see Randy at school. “Yeah, definitely,” Randy says, which is one of those phrases that when said out loud as a sign off echoes in your head at least 60 decibels louder than it actually happens.

Wendy, the married bathroom woman, visits Randy at the gas station. Wendy acknowledges that as a 27-year-old woman, she should probably cool it/stop it with Randy’s 17-year-old body. Randy’s fine with it because she’s explains that she has a girl. Oh, does she? If meeting someone, seeing them again briefly, and then signing off in an embarrassing way equals having a girl, then I’ve dated A LOT of women. Wendy storms off with this news and starts the “oh, have fun…” game where you name the bad parts of what someone THINKS is good about their current situation that you don’t approve of. Except Wendy’s like, “Have fun enjoying the movies, sharing straws, and gazing at each other!” and it’s like… you do not get that game.

Evie is at a diner with her “friends” and they ask if she’s hanging out with Randy. Evie’s like, “What are you, the KGB?” and someone very matter a factly goes:

Ahaha. Okay! My apologies.

Laurel is leaving Evie a note to tell her she’s locker 718 and that she should come by the “old gas station.” After ignoring that she even got the letter for days, Evie takes Randy up on the old gas station offer. She takes a look at Randy’s oversized t-shirt and jeans and goes:

Ouch. Seems homophobic.

Except Randy does know something about engine repair. *when the stereotype holds up* As Randy tinkers around under the hood, Evie says, “I got your note,” and cruelly waits for a response from Evie. Just gonna present you with the confirmation that I ignored you for days – care to respond?

Good thing Randy is so badass, otherwise this might be awkward. As a silent peace offering, Evie, a high schooler, gives Randy, another high schooler, The Leaves Of Grass. Then, music completely off the table at this point, Randy says she likes Billie Holiday. Okay, let’s just go ahead and start naming things! Weather, in general: love the variety. Travel? Big fan.

Randy tries to read her Walt Whitman book out loud to her aunt, and I’m the aunt when she’s like, not a chance. Randy takes her book up to her room instead. While reading and smoking a J, Randy goes, “God, this is intense!” Fuuuuck, dude. Also, what is Laurel’s accent? Arkansanadian? Where are we supposed to be here?

Later, Randy admits out loud after three days of knowing Evie that she’s in love with her. Because of this, now Randy only talks through her Walt Whitman book, AKA in riddles.

Evie and Randy go to a diner. When Randy says Evie’s sheltered for not knowing why they can’t hold hands in the diner, Evie says, “Unshelter me.” “Unshelter Me” sounds like a lesbian scrapbook banger. Feeling empowered by the hand holding that happens between them, Randy asks the server for “a Mick,” AKA “a Michelob” alcoholic beer. The server is rightly like, “I’m sorry, what?” and Randy shakes her head like a muppet to be like DOY A MICHELOB ALCOHOLIC BEER. When the server refuses to give her a beer for not having an ID (and I like to think for saying “a Mick”), Randy asks for “a cup of joe.” Lady.

Later, continuing this cool streak, Randy is practicing how to ask Evie over for dinner with variations of, “Hey Evie, check it out, dinner at my house.”  And check it out Evie does.

*Pasta for dinner!!!!! *(my eyes are closing)

Evie is convinced Randy’s aunt doesn’t like her because she’s black. Randy is convinced that that’s not the case. They start chewing gum. I hear tires screeching in the background and think that maybe a heist on the horizon, anything to jazz this story up a bit, but they’re still just chewing gum together. Then they kiss.

Evie goes home to write in her girl-nal. Randy goes home to read poetry. Now they’re talking about children. High school. “Do you think we’ll still know each other when we’re 30?”

Evie goes to the gas station to ask Randy on a trip for her birthday at the exact mome Wendy comes by to apologize to Randy for her husband. (He knows about Wendy and Randy and went a lil’ tough guy on Randy.) Awkwardardardardardardard. After Wendy leaves, Evie asks Randy if she’s in love with her. “No, I love you,” Randy says, and with a rev of an engine in the background I pray that it’s a Thelma and Louise style crash into this scene.

Evie is being grilled by her friends about her saying she’s in love with Randy. When Evie says, “I don’t give a shit about the prom,” one of her friends says, “You’re ruining your life!” Ahaha, yes – are you even friends in a high school movie if you don’t shame someone into thinking prom is the pinnacle of life? Evie’s friends “break up” with her.

Imagine this: someone asks if you wanted to go to a diner in the afternoon and watch high school non-drama unfold and you can’t leave. That’s this movie.

Evie’s mom is going away for Evie’s 18th birthday weekend and I think I know why Evie is doing her best to shoo her mom out of the house so quickly. To do it with Randy.

When the screen cuts to the two of them on the floor, I think, “This better not be of the two of them looking at old pictures of Evie,” and, of course, it is. Oh, good, I was wondering if there was food in the main fridge and the freezer downstairs, and now I know there is thanks to an entire scene and conversation dedicated to it.

Now they’re smoking a joint. Now they’re high. The only good thing that’s happened in this movie is when they’re cooking while still high and Evie says, “Oh, this is a really good cook book by Antoine,” and Randy’s like, “Who’s Antoine?” Lol.

Now they’re high AND drunk after breaking into Evie’s mom’s wine cabinet. In this vulnerable moment, Evie reveals all of her friends left her today, to which Randy responds, “Yeah, well, I’m not going to graduate.” Both then agree they’re stoned. Now they’re playing the “close your eyes and tell me when I get to your elbow” game.

Ah, yes, now they kiss and continue into bed to engage in the famed crossed-legged lesbian embrace. While renaissance music plays? I feel so bad for people whose only content about women on women sex was this scene being scored by a Medieval Times busker.

Evie’s mom comes home and she’s pissed. The general consensus is: the house is a mess, you drank my wine, it’s a girl, I’m going to kill you. Evie and Randy leave together to a motel.

Randy calls Frank for help, and he, dressed like Mario, tells her she’s in BIG trouble with her aunts for failing school.

By the way, what do these three women do that they’re able to stand in front of the phone all day? They’ve literally had one customer at their gas station this entire movie, and she was getting free air in her tires – how can they afford to live in a house?

Evie has to figure out what she’s going to say to her mom and I have to figure out what, exactly, I would be willing to do instead of watch this movie. An hour in the dentist’s waiting room. Drink as many La Croixs as it would take to fill a bathtub in one sitting. Make a snowman with my bare hands out of the snow that’s been icing over for weeks. Walk across an oiled kitchen floor carrying a latte that I’m bringing to a person I don’t want to disappoint or embarrass myself in front of and also the kitchen is super long. Listen to someone try out every ringtone on their phone on a public bus. These and other scenarios.

Now everyone’s at the motel looking for Evie and Randy? It’s now a hostage situation. Randy makes Evie swear that she’ll love her forever on Leaves of Grass before they go outside.

And now this:

And then:

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Laneia, my angel. Please accept this apology.

I Watched Lesbianish Classic “Jennifer’s Body” and Now I Love Cinema!!!

Welcome to a very special Halloween edition of Watching Lesbian Classics. Typically I go into these movies filled with intense regret – already, for something I’ve yet to experience – but this viewing was different. I’d seen enough stills from Jennifer’s Body to know I was in for a treat. All previous movies were the houses with zero decorations and a single porch light on, while Jennifer’s Body awaited me with generator-powered blow up creatures, dolls coming out of their own graves, and full-ass Snicker bars in a basket with a sign that says, “Take one!”

This film explores some of my favorite themes all in one glossy, campy, self-aware package: misandry, women being extremely gay together, principled revenge, and the triumph of aught culture. My one caveat to this otherwise perfect film is there’s a word that’s said three times, which is three times too many and lands every time like a sandbag being dropped into a baby pool, and Diablo Cody we will all accept Venmo requests if you feel moved to extend them as penance. But enough of the bad, let’s focus on the good: a subtext so purposeful it tops itself.

Join me on this journey of the sexual awakening of two high school friends who endure/inflict necessary acts of violence in order to kill off the last bits of the heteronormative patriarchy that exist inside each of them.

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This is the first shot of the movie and imagine me leaning over to you in the movie theater and going, “That’s Jennifer’s body.” Except it’s actually Needy Lesnicki (sure)’s body, narrating her story live from a prison cell. All of the fan mail she receives tells me Needy is famous for… something.

According to the dropkick she lands on a guard that flies the guard across a table and her subsequent shoving of a man into a wall, she’s famous for being my future wife. She used to be normal, she says – well, as normal as any teenage girl being pumped full of hormones can be. Lol true. “But then the killings started happening.”

It all started in a town called Devil’s Kettle, named for the funnels-to-nowhere waterfall that was featured in season 3 of The L Word for the spreading of Dana’s ashes. Rip.

Oh, wait, here’s Jennifer’s actual body, being operated by Megan Fox. Remember that very brief window of time when all anyone thought they had on Megan Fox – an objectively incredible-looking woman, like symmetrically is probably on some fibonacci spiraling, and whose particular aesthetic stirs up a special flavor of Haterade – was that she had “weird thumbs,” whatever that means? Love you guys, and that time.

Jennifer’s a cheerleader / Needy’s sitting in the stands / Jennifer gets the top bunk / Needy’s sleepin’ on the floor. We find out that Jennifer and Needy are in a codependent relationship that just so happens to involve Needy’s boyfriend, Chip, who looks like Disney Show Generic Guy Friend Who’s Always The Bridesmaid And Never The Bride.

Someone suggests to Needy that she and Jennifer are “totally lesbi-gay.”

Coming in hot to try and smother that accusation is the very next scene/exchange between Needy and Jennifer, where they engage in the straight woman custom that is aggressive salutations. “Hey Monistat.” “What’s up, Vagisil?” Jennifer invites Needy to a music show that’s later that night and tells her to “wear something cute” while looking at her like she’s a 4pm Totino roll fresh out of the oven.

After school, Needy invites Chip over. His hair is the scariest thing I predict happening in this movie. Thankfully, in the middle of their makeout that is making me extremely uncomfortable, Needy turns her head away from Chip to the window in anticipation of Jennifer’s arrival moments before Jennifer even knocks on the door. Unfamiliar with this gift unique to queer women, Chip calls their relationship weird and then the scene ends with Chip pleading with Jennifer to stop stealing his girlfriend.

We’re at the bar for the Low Shoulder concert, and right before holding this position for a solid ten seconds, Jennifer passes by a boy who’s trying to hit on her and says a line that I know will not be topped for the rest of the movie and does it with a cadence that can only be ascribed to this string of three words: “WHAT UP, CRAIG.”

Jennifer approaches the band as they prepare for their set and, oh, look, the lead singer is that guy from The OC. Nice. Needy watches on in closeted horror as Jennifer engages her flirt boosters with the ease and flair of Usain Bolt sidestepping toward the finish line.

AHH NOW EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE???? Inside this… bar slash payday advance loan store??? The band was playing and now everything is on fire, with no explanation. Jennifer and Needy escape unscathed, but now Jennifer’s being escorted into Low Shoulder’s tour van alone. Perfect. The vibe is about as chill and safe as a cis white straight dude making this face right after he’s closed your friend inside his van can be!

When Needy gets home she calls Chip to tell him what’s happened. She keeps him on the phone while she walks around her empty, dark house looking for the source of the noises she keeps hearing. In this way I believe she is exploring the crumbling institution of heterosexuality, the noises her unrealized desires.

Speaking of unrealized desires, Needy turns from the sink in the kitchen to find a bloodied and silent Jennifer standing in the middle of the room. Without a word, Jennifer turns to the fridge, tears open the door, and rips into a full chicken. Needy tries to stop Jennifer by saying, “My mom got that from Boston Market.” Ahahaha. Is this my favorite movie?

Jennifer stops eating only to purge a thick, black substance (the toxic effects of the patriarchy). Then Jennifer shoves Needy against a wall in the hallway and asks her if she’s scared. Needy says she is scared, but forgets to say out loud, “…of loving you.”

The next day everyone is mourning their fellow students and members of faculty who were killed in the fire. Well, everyone except Jennifer. She’s having a great time. She’s also pretending last night never happened, which while we’re breaking down Jennifer’s first encounter with a rejection of heterosexuality, that’s also what I did the first time I slept with a woman, so.

What do you think she’s flagging here.

Jennifer is now on the prowl. She finds a friend of Craig (who died) crying in a field and lures him into the forest with a promise of sex. Then she kills and eats him. Oh. Oh, yes. I see where this is going. I don’t know what to tell you, I’m enjoying myself!

Heyo, Amy Sedaris as Needy’s mom lookin’ like we all feel in 2017!

One day after class, Jennifer and Needy run into Colin, AKA My Chemical Romance’s ambassador to the people. Colin nervously asks Jennifer out and she declines. It’s only when Needy expresses interest in Colin that Jennifer changes her mind and decides to take Colin up his offer. Ah yes, the old queer standby of fucking through osmosis.

Jennifer invites Colin to an abandoned house for their date. Inside there are candles lit and Akon playing on the boombox so y’all already know what TF is going on. Intercutting this scene is one where Needy is having sex with the vaguest, most “who is she?” embodiment of a hairstyle the world has ever known.

In the middle of having sex with Chip for the first time, Needy is hallucinating that blood is dripping from the ceiling. Seems like a normal reaction from someone who’s super into the person with whom they’re having sex. Then Needy hallucinates a dead Craig and a bloodthirsty Jennifer at the edge of the bed, just casually thinking about Jennifer in her most primal state while she’s having sex with Chip.

Back at the house, Jennifer eats of Colin’s body and drinks of his blood. In the name of the father, son, and holy spirit, amen.

Later that night, mere hours after experiencing a male scream-inspired rush that ended with Jennifer crouched and bloodied on Needy’s car like a hungry gargoyle come to life, Jennifer shows up in Needy’s bedroom looking ready for a slumber party. Without any discussion of earlier events, Jennifer crawls toward Needy at the foot of her bed.

Needy assumes top status immediately and effortlessly. Right as they’re finding their groove, Needy draws back and demands to know what’s going on. Didn’t I just witness you on top of the car I was driving? Jennifer’s like, look, it’s fine, it’s that classic story of being taken in a van to be sacrificed in the forest under the waxing moon so a shitty band can become more successful under Satan’s eye.

We’re being brought back to this night in a flashback, and it is really saying something that upon seeing a group of men take a woman into a forest I feel relief that what ends up happening is just a sacrificial killing!!! As the lead singer reads an incantation he got off the internet while holding a knife over Jennifer’s bound body, Jennifer says, “Why don’t you get a publicist? We can make t-shirts. I can be – I can be a part of your street team!” between tears, and, look, I know Megan Fox didn’t write that but her delivery makes me know she feels this in her bones and WOW I LOVE MEGAN FOX!!!!

The sacrificial killing didn’t actually kill Jennifer; instead, she became an indestructible misandrist. Same. Needy’s still freaked out and tells Jennifer to leave, which Jennifer eventually does through an open window, but not before suggesting they play “boyfriend-girlfriend” like they used to.

We’re at Colin’s funeral. His emo friends try to bright-side the situation and say he would like that he’s now in the “unearthly realm.” When Colin’s mom hears this, she unleashes the most sobering eulogy I think I’ve ever heard, in real life or in film, wherein she explains that Colin isn’t in any unearthly realm, he is simply six feet in the ground, as we all soon will be.

After Needy finishes her research on how to kill a demon, she’s approached by the Quizno’s hair doll mascot to talk about going to the formal dance together and making their Cheesecake Factory reservations. Needy uses the best excuse in the world to not have to be around him anymore, which is: “It’s not safe for us to be together.”

Hey, it’s Chip’s mom, the adoption lady from The L Word! Up to two The L Word references can I get a hell yeah.

We’re at the dance and even though I don’t think there’s a theme Needy comes styled like this? Chip is on his way to the dance when he’s stopped by Jennifer in the park. In the middle of Jennifer attempting to sabotage Needy and Chip’s relationship by telling Chip that Needy and Colin were sleeping together, Low Shoulder is being introduced at the dance. They’re playing for free even though they have sold out shows around the country!!!

Jennifer, her eyes set on Needy, takes one for the team.

This would also be me if Low Shoulder was playing at a dance.

Jennifer takes Colin to the Hopeless Trash Pool for feeding time. When he refuses her advances, she throws him in the pool, which is certainly one way to do it. Needy, her queer radar finely tuned, shows up and interrupts Jennifer doing this:

Needy jumps into the pool to try and save Chip even though he clearly had no problem going somewhere with her best friend the second he thought she might have cheated on him. Needy is only directing her anger at Jennifer, not Chip, because the patriarchy needs women pitted against each other in order to thrive. It’s in this moment that Jennifer purges black slug for the second time. Repent!

Needy’s not that impressed with Jennifer’s ability to levitate above the pool, to which Jennifer responds, “Do you have to undermine everything I do? You’re such a player hater.” Lol! Then, when Jennifer says she’s going to kill Needy and Needy responds by saying she thought Jennifer only killed boys, Jennifer says, “I go both ways.” With that confession, Chip dies.

Now Needy’s on the prowl, because you can’t just turn a girl out like that and not expect some blowback. Jennifer’s in her room getting ready for bed when Needy casually barrel rolls through the window. A fight ensues, and when Needy pulls out a box cutter, Jennifer says, “Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you’re butch.” This is the greatest movie of all time.

Mid struggle, Needy tears off Jennifer’s BFF necklace (their guise of friendship) and is then able to pierce Jennifer’s heart. With this, Jennifer dies, and with that, an accurate portrayal of the queer intensity that eventually kills one or both parties condensed into a single moment.

Jennifer’s mom finds them both bloody in bed, which brings up back to why Needy’s in jail. Needy Lesnicki doesn’t know who she is anymore. She feels… different. Also, because Needy’s been bitten by Jennifer means she’s absorbed new powers, like superhuman strength, being able to levitate, and being able to spot other people who’ve been bitten in any public setting.

One night in jail, but for whatever reason not the very first night in jail, Needy levitates to the top of her holding cell, kicks out the barred window, and escapes through a fence.

On her walk through the woods, Needy finds the knife that was used to sacrifice Jennifer. As someone who has just escaped prison and needs to lay low, she of course takes it with her as it is clearly easily concealable. She hitches a ride and tells the driver she’s going to see a band. When he posits that it “must be some band” to be making such a long trip, she tells him it’s their “last show.”

Happy holidays, everybody.

I Watched Lesbian Classic “Bloomington” and Hoooo Boy This Is a Lot

Welcome back to this important and necessary series where I watch classic lesbian movies that somehow everyone has seen but me. Our last movie was Elena Undone, a movie that provoked a lot of questions that ultimately went unanswered by Nicole Conn even though I marked all 41 of them. Seems rude, but okay.

For my next movie, I asked the editors what to watch. Riese suggested Room in Rome, but I informed her that I’d seen it and also that it scared me, and asked that we never speak of it again. “Bloomington is like Loving Annabelle but somehow even worse,” she then said before informing me that she was convinced it took place in one condo and one condo alone. Chilling.

Bloomington, I found out, does not take place solely in a condo, but it does take place in a world where subtlety is not a concept that exists. It sits in the palm of a heavy hand, proudly displaying the most transparent depiction of mommy issues I have ever seen. Come, join me, Professor Stark, and Student Jackie on this road to… love?

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The opening credits in this film are going for a very Sunday afternoon stroll, I’ll say that much. We’re getting lifeless shots of “general town” and “someone getting ready for travel” and the pacing is killing me. I’m already ready to bail. (Truth be told it took me three separate attempts at getting past the credits alone.) Oh, the director of photography for this movie is George Feucht. “Feucht” is a great name to chant over and over in that way where you sort of lower your voice like a bark, which is something I would do if I was ever on set with him until he undoubtedly would quit. FEUCHT.

We meet Jackie, the famous actor turned regular college student, going over her first semester course load with an academic advisor. Notice her looking at the Entertainment Magazine next to her. What a juxtaposition of current priorities.

For orientation, Jackie is shown to her (single unit!) room by another student who is at first very nice and offers to help set up Jackie’s phone should she need it, but then very abruptly changes gears and is like, “No one ever gets their own room as a freshman,” with the air of an end-of-the-movie flashback that highlights the small detail that we the audience missed at the beginning that upon closer inspection reveals it was the unsuspecting person responsible for all the horrible acts committed.

Jackie has her first interaction with other students at a psych study group. Here we learn about a Professor Stark. “She sleeps with her students.” Not the kind you might think, though – the girl ones. “I heard she’s a vampire.” Someone in the group says “cool it with the homophobia” and based off the vampire comment and the decision by filmmakers to make Stark a professor of abnormal psych, I agree.

Jackie calls home after her first day of classes, and this is the face of someone who’s just been hung up on by their mother not out of anger but inconvenience. Ouch. Hopefully this doesn’t lead to a loaded relationship to older female authority figures.

Speaking of older female authority figures, we next meet Professor Stark. Her eyes are what could be described as “extremely threatening.”

Confirming this for me, the first time Professor Stark meets Jackie in her office she starts talking about her ECT machine, or her electro-convulsive therapy machine. “It shocks people,” Stark says. Jackie wonders aloud why anyone would do that and Stark says, with total calmness, “It’s a form of treatment.”

Professor Stark doesn’t get any less terrifying when she later fills in for another professor’s psychology class and writes her name on the board with the stroke equivalent of stabbing. Jackie happens to be in this class, as do her new psychology study group friends, and Professor Stark flusters one of these new friends by asking where the class last left off. The new friend absolutely blows it and after the interaction calls Stark a “freaking vampire lesbo.” YOU RANG.

LMAO, Professor Stark is really in a constant state of putting out a Single White Female vibe. Here, we’re at a mixer for the psychology department that includes both professors and students, which is apparently a thing that happens. Jackie spots Stark and is intrigued.

Some time later Jackie and Stark meet in a rock quarry? There they formally introduce, and Stark says about Jackie, “Ah, the famous one.” Then Jackie says, “So are you, from what I hear,” and within 30 seconds of pretending not to know what Jackie is talking about, Professor Stark does this:

OKAY! Someone help this poor girl and her single braid. Just so everyone’s aware, we are not even 15 minutes into this movie. Where does this movie go from here? Isn’t this what you build up to? What is exposition? Now Stark asks Jackie back to her place.

When they arrive at Stark’s place, they immediately go upstairs to Stark’s room. Hahaha, what is this, day one at school? Jackie looks extremely uncomfortable and has a face that is verging on terrified, but it’s okay because Stark has asked if Jackie’s okay and follows up with a, “You sure?” See? Everything’s fine. Now they’re going to have sex and Stark says, “Don’t forget to breathe. Good girl.” A-YIKE.

The next day or weeks later, it’s hard to tell, Jackie calls Stark. Stark’s like, “Heyyyy, I’m on my work phone in my office as a professor at this school, just making sure out loud and in earshot of my co-workers that you’re okay about what happened between us sexually and that the line that I just crossed/poured gasoline on and then lit it on fire was okay with you?” Before Jackie can really process this Stark asks her over for dinner.

Continuing this Downhill Barrel Roll of Inappropriates, the first thing Stark does when Jackie shows up to her home (in the middle of the day?) is offer her a drink. Do we even know if Jackie’s 21? Stark says, “You always look so scared when you’re here,” and I can’t imagine why.

Oh hell yeah, now “32 Flavors” by Ani DiFranco is playing, so you know what that means: now all these two do is spend their time in Stark’s house having sex and making dinner.

This is an interesting cutting set up – knife choice, hand placement, cutting form, etc. All looks good and normal, like an adult who’s done this many times before and not like a child who’s never been made to cook and has no idea how to. While cutting in a way that makes me worry if this scene will end in an emergency room visit, Jackie talks about her relationship with her mother, which she explains is nonexistent. What’s interesting about this is even though earlier in day Stark was able to parse out Jackie’s drink of choice (scotch, per her father) based on presumed relationships with peers and authority figures as a child star, the dynamic that is being played out here is somehow not being brought up at all.

Jackie goes home to visit her mother and extended family and it doesn’t go well. Jackie’s mom feels attacked by Jackie during dinner and decides to take her outside to scold and slap her. COLD WORLD.

LITERALLY the next thing we see after Jackie’s mom walks away is Jackie being held by/crying into a very “There, there, sweet girl”-positioned Stark. WE GET ITITITITITITITITIT. Stark says, “I’m glad you called, Porcupine. I missed you.” Normal lover stuff.

You know what? It’s fine. I’m fine with this now. Why not? Clearly we’re not operating in the real world. Like this? This scene where Stark is washing Jackie in the bathtub? That’s fine! (I tried to email this picture and was hit with Gmail’s “Something’s not right” when trying to attach it and I was like… I know.) This is so blatant it’s a parody now. So, let’s go, let’s get to the scene where Stark sends Jackie off to school with a snack of Ants On A Log and let’s call it a wrap.

Jackie’s in the running for a scholarship and the only thing that stands between her and a bunch of money – that she already has as an actor fresh off a very popular television show and doesn’t necessarily need but hey why not take it from your peers just for the hell of it – is an essay. Stark, who works at the facility from which Jackie would be receiving this scholarship and who would therefore have a conflict of interest in helping one particular student, is helping Jackie with the essay. The approach: perception vs. reality. Give them what they THINK they want, not you.

Now we’re talking about the reversal of self-denial in the library. External circumstances paralleling self-imposed restrictions and the combination’s ability to inspire a new behavior. The conversation we all know and love. Jackie seems confused, so Stark explains it like this: you know how you’re quiet during sex when you don’t have to be in my home – the home where I, a professor, bring you, as my student? Well now that we’re in a public library, and you have to be quiet…

Look, I’m not saying these are terrible set ups. But if this movie is a vehicle for a particular kind of fantasy, maybe don’t have background music that sounds like it belongs on Wishbone, the PBS live-action children’s series starring a Jack Russell terrier. It’s really unsettling to hear someone on screen say, “Hold onto the desk,” while undoing someone’s pants and it being scored by the entirety of the wind instruments along with like a mischievous pluck of a violin.

Now it’s Stark’s turn to be psychoanalyzed. 50 shades of heyyyyy.

Stark’s afraid of flying so Jackie wants to try some exposure therapy by taking her to her airplane hanger. I really hope that scholarship comes through. Jackie can apparently fly a plane and so she takes a hesitant Stark on a ride. Stark is so moved that on their return home she tells Jackie she loves her in bed, but oh no, Jackie’s asleep.
Jackie gets a call from her agent who tells her they’re rebooting the series that launched her into stardom and that the producers want her back. Or, at least to audition, which like, ouch. It’ll be quick and easy, her agent says, just a couple days over Christmas break.

Mom’s made dinner. “Kind of quiet today, porcupine,” Stark says. Oh, just school stuff, mom. They discuss Jackie’s decision to maybe audition for the role that would require her to leave for L.A., and Stark seems pressed about it. Jackie’s like…

Hmmm, sort of seems like you’d want me to thrive but I guess there are more snakes in the grass than I previously thought.

Test shoot time with the hot new actor around town that I thought was Ben from Parks and Rec. Jackie’s found her acting groove again.

Good to know this kind of thing still delights me as an adult. Look at the compartments in that thing. Jackie is reminiscing (crying) about all her old TV memories.

Wow this movie has really gone flat, much like this review. It feels like the past 30 minutes has just been someone alone in a room on a phone. This movie should be called AT&T Wireless: Unlimited Rollover Minutes.

It’s confirmed that Jackie’s gotten the part of the new/exact same role she played before, so now that she’s back in “the biz” we’re at an industry party. Here, Stark is introduced as Jackie’s “friend from college.” That is literally what half of my girlfriends have been called by family, so, same. Stark is very pleased about this as you can see from the picture above.

Stark is even more excited when she learns Jackie will have a romantic storyline with her co-star who has an IRL crush on her. When the huffing Stark’s doing prompts Jackie to ask if she’s really upset about it, Stark says, “Why would I be mad, Jacqueline?” You know, how some people in our lives use our full name when they are upset at/disappointed in us, although it’s hard to tell, really, which certain people I’m talking about?

After the party, Jackie and Stark start to fight about whether or not they’re a couple and about how they’d even make a long distance, closeted relationship work. Stark ends the conversation by saying, “Maybe I just don’t think you’re worth it.” I love cinema.

Jackie decides to give school another whirl and shows up for a random psych study group. When she enters the room someone immediately says, “You still go here?” and for the first time in this movie I laugh out loud. One of the girls in the study group accuses Jackie of coasting by on her fame and the perks of banging their teacher, which are both true, so like, what do you do?

APPARENTLY YOU SLAP THE GIRL THAT SAYS IT AND THEN SHE PUNCHES THE SIDE OF YOUR HEAD IN RETALIATION?!?!

Jackie shows up with a shiner to Stark’s house. Momma’s gonna make it better. Then paparazzi show up and Stark’s like:

After deciding that getting buck in study hall wasn’t the best way to handle their situation, Stark and Jackie bicker about Stark going to a party without Jackie and with another date. “You can stay the night, you know how to work the TV downstairs,” Stark says, failing to mention the pizza money she’s left for Jackie on the counter.
The jabs that their fights have incorporated have grown increasingly below the belt. Jackie reduces Stark’s existence to a leech on her parent’s inheritance and then we have Stark handing Jackie a Kleenex (not sponsored) box before leaving for the party and telling Jackie not to make a mess while jerking off to watching herself on the television. Some might say this is… very unhealthy.

Mom’s home from her party with her date. Stark instructs her date upstairs while Jackie watches TV on the couch. “Make sure you shut off the TV when you finish watching your cartoons, okay?” Y’all.

As revenge Jackie goes to a college party with a boy from study group. It goes exactly as planned, with Jackie gathering her clothes as she sneaks out of his dorm room in the middle of the night.

In the following days, Stark has a little bit of a break down during class and is literally talking through tears as people walk out of her classroom and take pictures of her on their flip phones. Everyone knows about the relationship between her and Jackie and – even though they’ve known Stark stays sleeping with her students – suddenly everyone’s mad about it?

Surprising no one, in the absence of Stark is the arrival of Jackie’s actual mom to pick up the pieces. Naturally everything goes very well and is worked out in the span of a dorm visit. JK.

During the aftermath montage is another Ani DiFranco song. I hope that when I’m in the tides of change I, too, will be lucky enough to be ushered into my new life by “Overlap.” Jackie is on her press tour and Stark is receiving her long-overdue firing. Jackie’s also leaving school, but not before running into Stark in the library. One last time?

One last time. However, they know it won’t work and say goodbye. Later, Jackie gets interviewed on campus while Stark watches from a window.

“I’ll never forget this place where I used my classroom as a dating pool,” Stark probably thinks. Then Jackie contemplatively looks up at the window where Stark’s office sits, like there she was, my professor who cornered me on my first day.

Ahahahaha, that’s it. That’s the movie. Nothing’s resolved and the Pandora’s box of issues that was opened in this relationship hasn’t been acknowledged by either party. Also, can anyone tell me why everything in this movie happened in the middle of the day? Look at the lighting in all of these pictures and tell me that the position of the sun is anywhere past 4pm. Bath time? Middle of the day. Drinks? Middle of the day. Dinner? Middle of the day.

Go to bed, everybody who made this movie, at night. Y’all are wild for this one.

I Watched Lesbian Classic “Elena Undone” and I’m Sorry What

The last movie in this series was Claire of the Moon, a film so laborious that I needed your physical assistance to help my body up off the ground. Little by little my weight sunk at each conversation deconstructing the lesbian experience until finally I passed into a horizontal plane of existence as the credits washed over mine tired eyes. Nicole Conn had done the opposite of putting respect on my name – she’d bested me with her debut film.

I’d move on, I thought. Nicole Conn had proven she could force me into submission as the workplace orientation video of filmmakers and we’d go our separate ways. Then I googled Elena Undone – a movie suggested by many of you but more importantly a movie that existed on Netflix – and I bet you might be able to guess whose name accompanied the title.

An accidental autofill took me to the Urban Dictionary page of “Nicole” and gave me some insight as to who Nicole Conn was and what she wanted from me. “A Nicole is someone who is omnipotent. A Nicole is gorgeous, intelligent, mysterious, witty, hilarious, out-going, creative and seductive, yet she is also tough, street-smart, experienced, brave, enduring, and mainly a wonderful mother. Nothing and nobody can compare to a Nicole in any aspect. Mess with a Nicole, or her family, and you will regret ever being born,” Nicole Conn probably wrote in a dark room lit by a single candle. Okay, so I’d approach this movie about an affair between a gay woman and a pastor’s wife with caution. Give it some leniency lest I endanger myself and those around me??

So, having now watched Elena Undone, rather than grade it to be a “good” or “bad” or “really not very good” or “garbagio” movie, I will simply ask a neutral question, which is: I’m sorry what.^#

Starting the movie is an acknowledgement that this story is based on “true events” and a wide shot of two women literally crossing paths while a narrator explains, mathematically, “In love, one and one are… one.”¹ Hmm. This fades into a church service where we meet Elena, a preacher’s wife, the biological mother of a 16-year-old exceedingly white boy with blonde curls², and a woman that has never looked sadder.

Next we meet Peyton, author of Trust? Who Needs It? An Agoraphobic’s Memoir.³ Regardless of whether or not I understand this title or concept behind it, it’s a book that’s been immortalized in plaque form for “Best Self Help Novel.” This plaque, along with a promotional flyer for a reading of Peyton’s book being held in an enclosed public space with, presumably, a crowd of people⁴, is being prominently displayed at her mother’s funeral service.⁵ It’s either that or Peyton is at her own home after the funeral service where she’s decided to advertise her own event on a mantle.⁶

We cut to a man on a deck who’s talking directly at the camera and it looks like we’ve abandoned the film and are now in a commercial for either a life insurance policy or porch sealant.⁷ This is Tyler, and what’s he’s actually talking about it soul mates. “Twin flames”, as he puts it.

Now Elena sadly brushes her hair before bed and up sneaks her husband, Pastor Barry, who whispers in her ear, “I heard someone might be ovulating this morning,” to which Elena responds “Mm-hmm” in the way most women respond to an old man on the street who incorporates “pretty lady” into his gross query. “I’ll be right back,” Barry says. Fading in and out of the following sex scene that even though is between a married couple is being shot as maybe not the most… reciprocal thing that’s ever happened⁸ is shots of Peyton swimming.⁹

Some time later we’re in Pastor Barry’s office where Elena is being accosted by a woman who wants Elena to take a more vocal stance as the pastor’s wife against gay people getting married, which is something this woman and Pastor Barry consider to be a bit of a passion project. Elena attempts to defuse the situation with non-answers and Pastor Barry does a terrible job at removing this woman from his wife’s mentions. Afterwards, Elena reveals in the hallway to Barry that she’s gotten her period, so having sex with him was as fruitless as it was probably traumatizing.

Peyton can’t bring herself to go collect her mom’s items at the nursing home. This is probably due in large part to the flood of childhood flashbacks that lead to her hugging tea kettles in an attic. Still, this is probably super inconvenient to the staff at the nursing home and instead of calling them back about it she goes for a hike.¹⁰

Tyler – who again would like you to consider the idea of twin flames for four easy payments of $19.99 – is holding a talk called Soulemetry¹¹ By the Stars. (By the way, who was the graphics person on this film¹² and what are their rates?) How soul-ucky that Soul-Blim-in-nal Courtyard¹³ exists. With that kind of karmic energy behind it it’s bound to be soulcessful. Also, Tyler would like everyone to know that even though everyone thinks he’s gay, he’s not.¹⁴

Peyton and Elena meet at an adoption orientation meeting, which are things that definitely exist, and which is perhaps the lesbianest meet-cute of all time. Because Peyton is there by herself, she makes a point of reassuring the people hosting it that she has a job.¹⁵ Saying “I have a job” to a group of people that haven’t asked is a great way to make everyone think you for sure don’t have a job. After the meeting, Elena and Peyton exchange business cards under the pretense of collaborating on their respective photography and writing projects.

Like the book store plot line in Anne Wheeler’s Better Than Chocolate, it feels like I’m being pressed to acknowledge something that ultimately has nothing to do with the rest of the movie so: Tyler’s making a documentary about soul mates, which is being relayed to us between scenes via confessional videos of couples discussing how they met. There. Moving on.

Now Peyton is at her home going through an obsessive routine at dinner (cleaning her utensils over and over, rearranging her food), and this is either casually dropping in Peyton’s OCD, which would be fine, albeit not really what it seems this like this movie or this character’s motivations are about, or this is meant to remind the audience of Peyton’s agoraphobia even though these are two different conditions and one doesn’t always lead to the other, which would be bad.¹⁶

Nicole Conn wisely abandons this and has Peyton’s best friend, Wave¹⁷, show up with wine. Wave launches into an explanation of why Peyton’s ex-wife (who cheated) wasn’t the one for Peyton. You two didn’t have passion, Wave explains, and then to drive this point home references the “fucky”¹⁸ – AKA the act of fucking – that she does on the regular and which was absent in Peyton’s married life.

Elena, who’s in a perpetual state of turning away from her husband, gets ready for a night out on the town (population: one). One and one… equaling one. That’s right, I’m talking about Soulemetry, baby. It’s an intimate affair that starts with a song and an intriguing observation that everyone in the room might be standing next to their soul mate. While everyone’s mingling, Tyler facilitates a meeting between Elena and Peyton. They talk about their marriages past and present, and it’s here Elena finds out Peyton’s a big ol’ ‘mo. To neutralize her visible excitement upon learning this bit of information, Elena plays the “Barry, my husband, the pastor,” card before dipping out of the party.

That doesn’t stop Peyton from calling Elena to be like, “Oh, I need a photographer for this… project I have.” They meet in the park to look through Elena’s portfolio – a portfolio in which Elena has included a tasteful and shadowy nude of herself.¹⁹ Naturally, this lands Elena the job of Peyton’s new author photo photographer.

There’s a great moment in the middle of this hang out where Peyton goes to move Elena’s hair out of her face and Elena’s like, “Oop, please don’t.” I’m noticing this is a trend in lesbian movies and I would like to pitch my own lesbian movie made entirely of Hair Tuck Missteps. Like a blooper reel, but a real reel, and of hand after hand reaching for the impossible.

Much like Frederick Douglass being recognized, Peyton and Elena begin seeing each other more and more. In one scene that looks like it was designed by and for The Bachelor Nation, Elena explains her lukewarm to cold feelings for her husband Barry. Lay that groundwork, girl.

They also talk about soul mates (with the soul mate talk jesus), how all Peyton wants is a baby, and how Elena is mommi. No, I’ve added that last part, but it does stand.

Now it’s time for Elena to take Peyton’s author photo. At the beginning of the shoot, Elena asks Peyton when she knew she was gay. Peyton’s casually like, “I dunno, when did you?” Zamn. But also, even though we all know where this is going, I feel like the audience missed out on an integral part of the last conversation and was supposed to make the jump from Elena saying she’d never really been into her husband to Elena being a card carrying member of the sisterly rolls.²⁰

Peyton meets her friend Wave to talk in the bushes.²¹ Wave reports for her gay best friend duties and warns Peyton against getting involved with a straight woman who’s married. Peyton agrees and decides she’s going to make herself less available.

That is until Elena shows up at her house while she’s in the middle of sunbathing to show her the pictures they took. Peyton’s like “Coolcoolcool yeah let me just run inside real quick and casual” and then proceeds to freak-a-leek in the bedroom trying to figure out what to wear. She comes out in a cut off plaid button up, jeans, and boots. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. One to ten on the Not Doing Great In Easing The Straight Lady Into How Gay You Are scale, we’re at about an eight.

Elena is having a hard time wrapping her head around her feelings for Peyton and what that means about her sexuality. “I spent my whole day looking at lesbian sites²²,” Elena says on a phone call with Peyton before explaining that because she wasn’t attracted to any of them, she’s not a lesbian. What kind of sites? Like Autostraddle? Picturesoflesbians.net? There is one picture of a lesbian that Elena likes.

Another phone call secures it: Elena has a crush on Peyton. Right before hanging hanging up mid sentence because of her husband walking into the room, Elena says, “All I can think about is…”

Ding dong! It’s Elena’s unfinished thought. There is a lot of talking in this first make out session. Elena asks Peyton if she’s scared to be alone with her… so soft… just what she imagined… and then once that nonsense stops and they sustain kissing for more than two milliseconds at a time, some really unfortunate music starts. It’s like if Meredith Brooks, Poison, and a World Market CD made a song.²³ Alright, long make out. Doing great, ladies. Okay, wow, this is like the jam band set of make outs.

I don’t know, does Elena’s accent keep slipping in and out and everyone’s okay with it?²⁴ Either way, it’s back to normal life, where the first thing your husband says to you when he enters the house is, “Did you pick up the beer?”

It’s that kind of stuff that drives Elena right back to Peyton. Sitting together one night Elena says, “Make love to me, Peyton.” When Peyton skirts the issue, Elena tries it reverse: “Peyton, make love to me.” Achievement unlocked!

Now we’re in a backlit room. Scoring their first time sleeping together is another poor music choice that sounds like what plays when a cartoon character sneaks down a hallway.²⁵ The audio has gone rogue here and every one of their movements is being super amplified despite the distracting music. Think I just heard someone’s knee crack.²⁶ Elena’s doing the face-into-the-crook-of-the-elbow move, which is Former Straight Lady for “I’m trying this gay sex thing and it’s going great!!!”

The next day they’re both walking on sunshine while recounting their night to their best friends. Peyton is getting checked by Wave while Tyler is the embodiment of a high pitched scream into cupped hands for Elena.

There’s a lot of back and forth after this. Elena still has to be with her family, which shocks Peyton in a way that is curious for a person who has had at least five conversations anticipating this very thing.²⁷ Then they begin to exist in letters, which Elena’s son, Nash, finds a stack of while on family vacation and just cries and cries with his girlfriend about it.

Barry attempts some moves on anniversary night and Elena gives him the trusty “I’m tired.” He flips, brings laundry into the picture²⁸ and says that like their sex life it’s also slipping. I pray that this was the moment that was based on true events.

Elena’s son is still losing it about his mom receiving erotica from another woman. He buys a bunch of liquor and goes to drink it on a mountain/cry about it. As getting wasted on a mountain by yourself in the middle of the day as a teenager²⁹ typically goes, this ends in an arrest. Nash avoids jail time because the police know his dad. His return home, prompts some very serious conversations and the main takeaway is: Mom’s Gay.

I know I said I was moving on from this, but one of the couples in Tyler’s Soulemetry videos is two people with multiple personalities who’ve each matched with a different one of the other’s personalities?³⁰ What a bizarre addition to a movie and – re: how it’s being presented – take on comic relief?

Plot twist: Peyton is the one who says she can’t do this long term. She wants Elena to be honest with herself and with her family first. Perfect. Love to have sat through this two hour movie for this.

Scary lady from church catches Elena and Peyton making out in the park (even though Peyton’s just said she can’t do this³¹) and sprints back to her car to make a very important phone call about it. She then heads directly to Barry and Elena’s house to tell Barry what she’s just seen and he’s angry.

So angry that he punches a bush³², which you might imagine doesn’t go well. After a day of thrashing and driving, Barry knows it’s over but doesn’t say it. It’s confirmed later when Elena tells him she’s been lying to herself and him for years.

Six months later… (no explanation³⁴)

Peyton’s going to adopt! She says so while she’s walking with Wave in the park. Then they run into Elena, and surprise, Elena’s pregnant! Peyton feels played. “I might be the fool but you’re the selfish whore.”³⁵ Okay! Then Elena passes out.

Later Nash shows up at Peyton’s house and says his mom needs her. Upon arriving at this group discussion³⁶ being held in the Curious World of Drapes³⁷, Peyton’s like, “Real quick, what am I doing here?” Tyler’s the father of Elena’s baby, that’s what! Elena says, “Tyler’s little guys hit the jackpot”³⁸ and I’m gonna need *rihanna ft. kanye* four, five seconds of timeout. Then Elena tells Peyton she’s the greatest love she’s ever known.

Cut to a scene in the park months later. (Does Nicole Conn know you can go somewhere besides the park?) Everyone’s passing around Elena’s baby and eating slices of that good life. Where’s Peyton’s adopted baby that she was just talking about?³⁹ Is this Elena’s and Peyton’s baby together? Is this everyone’s baby? Why does Tyler have to oversee every interaction Elena and Peyton have together? Wait, is this a cult?

Answering my question, the movie ends with Tyler looking directly at the camera saying, “Yes, all is as it should be. Soulemetry.”⁴⁰

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⁴¹

I Watched Lesbian Classic “Claire of the Moon” and Can Somebody Come Help Me Up

I hope everyone’s recovered from our last review of Bar Girls. Not since Better Than Chocolate – a mere four movies ago – have we experienced such a cinematic display of violence and co-dependency. I was worried I might have lost you.

Before starting these reviews I like to do a quick scan of what I’m getting myself into so I know whether or not I can watch it with a friend or if I need to do it by myself because I’ve factored in the amount of time I’ll spend pausing the movie to take desperation jogs around the house. I knew based on your preliminary movie suggestions and cautions that this was not an activity I needed to do for Claire of the Moon. Nicole Conn’s 1992 debut would be a solo experience.

Still, I wanted to know what it was about. In doing so I discovered that Claire of the Moon had more pre-viewing red flags than any movie I’d done in this series. The poster for the movie looked like if a romance novel was a person going through a divorce and engaging in a “me” period. One summary plainly stated, “Female authors gather at a small northern coastal retreat to work on their writing skills.” The most promising viewing option available seemed to be watching the movie on youtube in minute and a half increments. More than one video link titled the movie “Claire the Moon.” Things were not looking great.

Then this is the image that greeted me once the page loaded:

After watching this film, same.

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This is a difficult start. We’ve got shots of early 90s interior design fading in and out of a man and a woman having sex on the carpeted floor. Also, the only thing you can hear is very dramatic and very loud piano music. We’re talking soap opera opening credits, “Alexa, volume 11,” kind of stuff.

This is Claire. She looks troubled by the fact that she’s just had sex with someone who wanted to bring the comforter out into the living room to do so. Fair. She looks over her writing retreat acceptance letter once last time before heading out on the road.

Upon arriving at the retreat and entering her assigned cabin, she’s greeted by two women fully in pantsuits in the middle of the day at, again, a cabin. One of them is Noel, or Dr. Benedict. She’ll be Claire’s roommate. For no reason, the screen goes black in the middle of a conversation. Oh, okay, that scene’s over? Got it.

Now we’re at what I think is the writer’s retreat opening night social and everyone is for sure serving in this scene. Two women look as though they’re in the throes of a religious cult gone awry and are trying their best to signal for help through their eyes. There’s a woman bold in blue: Tara O’Hara from the writah’s con-ven-shun in Atlantuh, Georgia. Do you get it. Tara’s accent is high concept. (The concept is “be very off the mark but overcommit.”) Everyone loves Claire’s work and people are throwing around the word “celebrity.” When Noel walks past the group, because she has no intention of being social, Tara calls her, “Benedict, Dr. of Love,” and also, confusingly, a eunuch. Claire’s like, “…I don’t think you’re using that properly,” and Tara’s like, “Aren’t I?” One thing is clear about what we’re supposed to be knowing about Noel: she gay.

Also gay? The retreat director, Maggie. Look at this magnificent homosexual. Her orientation meeting is 95% telling people where the after-hours parties are (her place). After the meeting Claire goes back to her room to rock out to some tunes.

Noel comes in and is like, “Hey, I’m uptight and still in my pantsuit, can you keep it down?” and Claire’s like, “No problem, I’m the relaxed one here.” The next two scenes go the same way, which is Claire is doing something (grinding coffee in the morning, smoking two cigarettes at the same time inside) that bothers Noel. Look at this unlikely duo who keep finding themselves literally in the same position:  

It’s not just Claire’s routines that get to Noel – it seems to annoy Noel that Claire is straight. And if I’m reading this movie correctly, it’s because Noel is a professor who’s written books on lesbian theory and also critiquing the concepts of heterosexuality is her life’s greatest… I wouldn’t say joy, because it doesn’t seem Noel is capable of that sort of emotion, but passion. It’s Noel’s greatest passion.

When Noel isn’t silently judging Claire and Claire isn’t intentionally provoking Noel, they spend their time in agonizing silent theater. Not once has one of them entered a room and casually said “hi” to the other. Instead, it’s things like Claire staring out the window with her back to Noel saying things like, “It’s difficult isn’t it? Sharing paradise with a stranger.”

While Claire goes on a date with a man who’s like, “Ah, yes, astrology,” everyone else is back at the retreat talking about what they’re writing. One woman who claims to be “just a housewife” shares her idea for a book about a planet where men have to give birth in order to be eligible for an alpha society. I’m giving it the green light!!! And now, just as I’d hoped, Tara begins to read her straight erotica in a Southern accent that sounds like it’s gone through Borat’s “my wife” filter.

There’s another run-in between Noel and Claire the next morning when Claire returns from her sexcapade. They agree that they need to figure this whole cohabitation thing out. You do you and I’ll do me, they decide, except what a wacky time they have attempting it! They keep bumping into each other, reaching for the same thing at the same time, and finding each other’s personal items where they shouldn’t be! During this goof-em-up montage there’s one rogue scene where – as we all do standing in the kitchen with our roommate – Claire takes off her shirt. As a dare? It’s unclear.

Later, Claire goes into Noel’s room to “look out the window” where the curtains are drawn. Naturally. Next to her hangs a stunning painting of a naked woman marching. Then, slowly – so slowly that I have time to anticipate what she might be going to do and say “DON’T” out loud – she does this:

Hahahaha, y’all, she didn’t even start by run her fingers along the side of the painting to create the illusion that she was admiring the brushstrokes, she went IMMEDIATELY there. Noel catches her mid-act and says off screen, “She was a client.” Rather than scream, exit via the nearest window, and peel out of the driveway as you would think someone might do after someone else catches them at the exact moment of them HOLDING A PAINTING’S BOOB, Claire turns around to face Noel. This opens up a direct line of communication between the two. Finally! “Why didn’t you just say all I had to do was go in your room and inappropriately touch your painting (that you brought with you to a retreat??)?”

Here’s the brass tacks of it: Claire’s a free spirit who’s looking for a good time wherever she can find it. She’s not homophobic and doesn’t care that Noel’s a lesbian. And Noel? Noel’s gotta be herself no matter what. She’s for sure projecting some of her insecurities onto Claire but doesn’t use those words outright! Success!

To celebrate, they go to the local bar. There, Claire points out Noel’s guarded exterior and usurps the role of love doctor. “All I’m saying is that no one is worth losing your joie de vivre over.”

Now the rest of the girls are here and they start talking dick sizes. Noel’s face is my face when this happens:

The next morning Claire gets another read on Noel. “You hate men.” Noel doesn’t deny this and explains that’s it’s probably a combination of past relationships, genetics, and conditioning. This develops into a conversation about how Noel knew she was gay. Noel tells a very dramatic story about falling in love with a woman who was a client of hers (Noel is also a therapist?) who eventually got married to a man. Now it’s Claire’s turn to get to the source of all her pain – her abusive father.

Then we cut to a wide shot of me on a rock in the middle of the ocean thinking about all of my life’s choices that’ve lead me to watching this movie that is so full of processing and theory that it feels like you’re watching an online female sexuality course for a test.

Now we’re having a conversation about intimacy versus sex. What is this thing where lesbian filmmakers insert a sort of oral history of known conversations into all of their films? “Yes, my friends and I have had that same discussion and seeing that reflected back to me on screen was worth the price of admission alone.” This general conversation becomes a coded one meant to represent Claire and Noel’s reservations about each other. Noel says women who sleep with men will never know real intimacy because they don’t speak the same language. Claire says, “Oh, so real intimacy is only reserved for dykes?” and Noel’s like, “…Mmmyeah.” This prompts Claire to hastily exit the room.

The next morning Noel’s like, “Heyyyy sorry about sort of erasing you as a real person with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences last night.” Claire accepts Noel’s apology and suggests continuing this never-ending conversation at the bar.

There they dive back in by talking about the “butch/femme thing,” as Claire puts it. Then it’s a discussion about how lesbians really have sex and if lesbians don’t have penis envy why are they so attached to their dildos? HELP ME. For a movie that uses the phrase “joie de vivre”, it sure does a great job at whack-a-mole-ing every peak of sunlight that might attempt to shine through.

Now in a daydream, a distraught Claire enters Noel’s room. They exchange looks and move towards/away from each other like they’re doing the imaginary rope exercise between dancers. Then Claire bows into Noel, which I hope inspired a whole generation of curious “straight” women into thinking that that’s what you have to do before having sex with a lesbian.

Now it’s a group discussion about the rigid boundaries straight women place on themselves. Maggie demonstrates this with a hugging exercise. She has two straight women in the room hug, and when they prove her point by doing so with the chemistry of a child being made to hug their grandmother after being given a disappointing gift, Maggie becomes the “move, I’m gay” meme to show them how you really do it. Look at that thing. That’s a full body embrace if I’ve ever seen one. Everyone in the room starts to argue, but I have no idea about what, and Maggie ends the conversation by saying, “When you eat pussy, you eat pussy.” You have to admit she has a point.

The next day Claire sits in front of the mirror staring at herself for a good two minutes, probably contemplating how exhausting every conversation she’s had in the past 24 hours has been. Then I think she gets turned on by her own reflection because she starts to undo her blouse? About four buttons down, Noel walks in. Once again, instead of bailing on this incredibly embarrassing situation, Claire engages in conversation. Then they have a weird moment where Noel takes Claire’s seat and Clair begins to tousle Noel’s hair while they both watch along in the mirror. Who are they.

Mid hair play it’s revealed that they’re both bored. They decide on an activity that consists of tequila, backgammon, and revealing each other’s fantasies to each other. Honestly? Hot.

We’re first treated to Claire’s fantasy in slow-mo. Her fantasy seems to be to resting her hand on a man’s thigh for a minute and a half in the middle of a empty laser tag room. Now it’s Noel’s turn. “It’s a restaurant. It starts with the eyes. Always the eyes.” Then sex in the bathroom.

It’s a look, I’ll give Noel that.

Okay, one of the straight women at the retreat finds out that her husband is leaving her and so they all decide to get tequila drunk. Finally, a break. Oh, but of course the one scene that might give us some relief has gone on entirely too long and has now doubled back as something you have to force yourself to get through. I’ve watched an entire Celine Dion video in the background and it’s still going.

Now Claire and Noel are back at their place talking about the lesbian vampire allegory. OH MY GOD JUST MAKE OUT AND BE DONE WITH IT.

Now Claire is playing the piano – something that’s transitioned most of the scenes in this movie for some reason, by the way –  to burn off some sexual frustration. Claire is reminded of her piano teacher when Noel insists that her playing is “so her,” because Claire’s teacher used to say, “You must connect keys, Claire. Make the music ‘you’. The notes are your blood. The music is your heart.” Would Claire’s teacher also agree that if god is a DJ and life is the dance floor, love is the rhythm and we are the music?

Then Noel says, “Play ‘Claire de la Lune,'” in the same way that Rose asks Jack to paint her like one of his French girls. This causes Claire to run away and now she’s in the ocean crying?

Then Claire runs around on the beach contemplating bisexuality. Who among us.

Suddenly, Noel appears behind a rock on the beach. They start to sort of cry on each other’s faces before – finally – making out. This was all so worth it.

Now they’re having slow-mo sex back at their place.

I’d like to point out that this sex scene is five minutes before the movie ends, and I think I figured out why. This movie has been so thoroughly committed to showcasing a textbook lesbian experience in addition to every single conversation people have ever had surrounding it, and so of course it had to end this way. Their climax is our climax. We came together.

Goodnight, Pookerdoodle, Katers, Martina, and… Penelope. Now can somebody please come help me up.

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I Watched Lesbian Classic “Bar Girls” and Yeah That’s Gonna Be a No For Me

When I was working on this review for Bar Girls, someone asked what it was and what I was doing with it. I told them it was a notoriously bad lesbian movie from the 90s and that I was supposed to review it. I explained I’d done this with a few other movies for a series. They seemed confused. “What’s the point of watching and critiquing a movie when you know is bad?” Fair! Love it. Really! I always appreciate a question that seems obvious but is never really asked. It turns out though that just because I enjoy a question and get why it resonates in such a pure way doesn’t mean I have a good answer for it, and in fact my answer will probably create more questions, much like it did here.

When the person realized I wasn’t actually going to explain myself in a way that made sense, they said something that really puts into perspective what we’re all doing writing or reading this kind of review: “Well, better waste some more time on it, I guess.” Yes. I guess so.

And seeing that I’ve already wasted the most time on it, you better waste some more time on it, because we’re in this together, like a family, and because this movie about two women who meet in a bar and cycle through an entire relationship in a month’s time was as bad as you all said it was.

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We start the movie with a god awful song, I mean just really terrible in a way that feels vindictive, which I’m absolutely taking as a sign of things to come. Between the song’s vocals that sound like they’ve been inexplicably sung a note above or below what the singers know to be audibly pleasing and the lyrics that state, “Bar girls, bar girls, reach for the stars, girls,” I’m convinced this is where Betty from The L Word got their start. Despite this canary in the coal mine, I continue watching.

In the opening scene we meet Loretta, a woman who sort of looks like someone from The Craft grew up and settled into condominium living. She’s trying on a series of outfits in her room to get ready for a night out on the town at GIRL BAR with a friend. When they arrive at Girl Bar, what’s revealed inside is the world’s saddest place to get a drink, complete with one pool table, approximately seven chairs, and an equal ratio of staff to patrons.

Hm, feels like if you’re going to name your movie BAR GIRLS and you’re going to set a large portion of a movie at a place called GIRL BAR you’ve really got to deliver on both the bar and the girls. But that’s just my opinion as a woman who’s never made a movie on a budget, something I’m acknowledging here so you don’t mention it in the comments.

Loretta’s friend Tracy is a tall blonde in flannel with an American southern accent that seems to have been taped together with whatever scraps someone threw out while developing Foghorn Leghorn. Noticing the lack of people in the bar, Tracy says to the bartender, “Y’all oughta do some theme nights. Did real good business for bars back home,” which is where in this actor’s mind exactly, Haybale, Moonshinersville? That’s just my assessment as a woman who’s from the American South, something I’m acknowledging here so you don’t mention it in the comments.

Loretta spots a cutie in red from across the bar and ropes the bartender — a sweet woman named Celia — into “anonymously” sending the woman a drink from her, because there’s nothing service industry people love more than helping people with shit completely unrelated to their job. The jig is up as soon as it starts because, again, Loretta and Tracy are pretty much the only other people or things in the bar.

The woman who’s been sent the drink, Rachel, approaches where Loretta and Tracy sit. Rachel thanks Loretta for the drink and when Loretta looks at Celia like, “UGH, you weren’t supposed to say anything,” Celia looks around like she knows this lady isn’t talking to her!!!!

Loretta asks Rachel if she likes to play pool and Rachel says a hilarious thing that I will say from now on when confronted with a game of pool: “Yeah, I can knock ’em around.” Noice. Loretta and Rachel don’t start playing pool though, and instead talk at each other like they’re in an Aaron Sorkin pilot and we’re just supposed to accept that these women who’ve known each other for less than 45 seconds are already talking about splitting up the furniture from their inevitable breakup without missing a single beat.

The conversation is going so well that Loretta asks Rachel back to her place. They leave together in Loretta’s car, and once they’re back at Loretta’s place, Loretta begins to DANCE BY HERSELF IN THE DRIVEWAY while Rachel watches from the car. Hello, what the hell is this? If I were Rachel right now I’d hope that by some miracle of mechanics and chemistry I’d become part of the car seat never to be seen or heard from again, but Rachel’s 100% Feeling It. Good for her!

Then they bring the dance party into Loretta’s brightly lit living room! If this were happening to you would you A) dance and not mention anything, B) dance but be like “lmaooo what are we doing?” C) pretend you’re really thirsty and stand by the sink, or D) excuse yourself to the bathroom and scroll twitter until they have to come looking for you?

When the dancing finally stops, they talk about their dating lives and find out they’re both emotionally unavailable. This is great! What are the odds. Loretta says she’s in love with another woman and Rachel says she’s married… to a man. Loretta’s like, “I see,” and then immediately Rachel is like, “Just kidding, but I do have feelings for a woman.” What? What kind of misdirection is that? That’s like when someone told me they went to school for graphic design and then when I was like “oh neat” they were like psych, got you! That’s a real degree people get?

Realizing they would be a great distraction for each other, Loretta and Rachel make their way to the bedroom. There on the bed, Rachel goes for a kiss, which would seem like an appropriate read on the situation considering Loretta was angling to get Rachel back to her house as soon as they met, but Loretta backs away and says, “Let’s just visit.” OK! When they’re searching for what else to do, Rachel’s like, “Oh, I have an idea, let’s tell each other about our current or former relationships,” and in terms of the last thing I think two people who’ve found themselves in a bed together should do to curb sex-having, talking about each other’s exes ranks pretty high.

Up first in a flashback is Annie, Loretta’s current girlfriend who’s in another committed relationship with a “straight” woman. Loretta and Annie go jogging on the beach and pet at each other’s faces next to giant rocks! Then there’s Sandy, the woman Rachel started dating after her husband. Rachel and Sandy sit in cars and make out! Then there’s Destiny, the straight girl from Loretta’s past who, based on the accent she can’t seem to nail down, is from if Romania, France, and Pakistan were one country. Loretta and Destiny talk on the phone while one of them is topless and in a jacuzzi!

Then Loretta goes to lunch with her straight and married friend, Veronica. We find out in a very short amount of time that Veronica is a substitute teacher, a licensed massage therapist, installs computer hardware in people’s homes, is on a macrobiotic diet, constantly comments on her weight, and can interact with the gay server in a way that makes everyone deeply uncomfortable. It seems all this talk of chamomile tea and juice cleanses has opened Veronica’s mind to the ways of women. “Get me that lesbian,” Veronica says to Loretta as she watches the server attempt to sexily steam milk.

Later at Girl Bar over some mai tais and funky ska music, Loretta and Annie discuss that time Annie’s girlfriend’s used a tree branch as a weapon against Annie, something Loretta writes off as “drama” rather than a serious concern that should be taken up with law enforcement! Hey-o, girls’ night! Oop, now Rachel and Sandy are here, so I guess we can’t delve into that whole domestic abuse topic any further!

Loretta and Annie’s discussion turns into a fight that turns into a breakup. Annie leaves the bar, and while Rachel and Loretta talk this out over drinks, Sandy says she’s going to go “shoot some stick,” as in play pool. I’m sorry, was there a competition to see how many weird ways someone could describe playing pool in this script? I want in! Hear ’em crack. Weight some corners. Run the box. Work the green.

Sandy gets too drunk on a drink Celia calls “Love Potion” and is passed out at the table where Loretta and Rachel gab and gab until bar close. Then, rather than figure out what to do with Sandy, Rachel agrees to just let the bartender take her home. I’m not sure Rachel’s fully thought through this decision. “So I was passed out on a table and you just… left me there? For the bartender to take me home? Even though one of you had a car?”

 

Rachel’s not beating herself up about it. The next day she and Loretta go for a mountain hike, which I think makes for the third time they’ve hung out, to reveal to that they’re both in love with each other. “I love you,” they say out loud, hour seven into knowing each other, wearing coordinating outfits.

After their love hike, Loretta and Rachel have sex while music you hear when you get a new age massage plays. “Remember when you left your unconscious girlfriend at the bar? Ugh, that was so hot.” Hell, as far as we know Sandy is still at the bar, but I’m glad Rachel’s getting some action!

Later that week or next day, with a thumb ring and a prayer, Loretta asks Rachel to move in with her. Rachel agrees and double downs with one condition: monogamy. Fast forward to probably a half an hour later where they’re setting up their newly shared bedroom and Rachel asks in front of the Marlene Dietrich poster wearing boxers, a cut off tee, and a bandana, “Do you think I’m gay?”

To which Loretta replies, “It’s like being French: either you are or you’re not.” I’m not getting into this because I’m just not, but know the levels to which I’m not getting into this are many.

Loretta brings Veronica to Everyone Wear a Hat night at Girl Bar. Not-so-straight and married Veronica takes a liking to Tracy, which I know is how Tracy would want me to describe it happening, her being from the south and all. Rachel shows up and soon after so does this lady:

It’s J.R.! J.R. saunters up to the bar and offers to buy both Loretta and Rachel a drink, but only after realizing Rachel’s with Loretta. J.R.’s training to become a cop and, by the looks of it, Rachel’s new girlfriend! Loretta’s panicking a little bit and getting jealous, and she should, because Rachel clearly has more chemistry with J.R.

The night ends with Rachel and Loretta fighting about J.R. These flirting fights are always sad because in the end it comes down to two people agreeing to pretend something doesn’t exist. They resolve their issue by telling each other what they like about one another, and Loretta says, “You know what’s the best part about your skin? It covers your whole body,” as she smoothes her hand up Rachel’s arm.

Hm, I didn’t realize this was the origin story for the first lesbian SERIAL KILLER. When has this ever been okay to say to someone?

Then they go back and forth saying how much they love each other. Pretty gay, I’ll give them that. Rachel says enough to fill the ozone layer. Loretta says her love is as big as the universe that surrounds our own. Then, almost as soon as Loretta finishes saying her love for Rachel is THE MOST, Rachel says, “Sometimes I don’t love you and I just think I should say it.” Hahaha, okay, you were doing great and even got out of that flirting fight unscathed, and now it feels like you are abandoning ship. This prompts Loretta to say, “Sometimes I don’t even like you.” What is happening? We’ve just cycled through the feelings that wax and wane through a 40 year marriage except in a single conversation and about a month-long relationship. N’night, everybody.

It’s Scorpio Night at Girl Bar and I would like to hear in the comments what other names some of you might call this night as I don’t personally feel one way or another about Scorpios but do acknowledge that in general there are strong feelings about them.

Annie and Sandy show up to Scorpio Night… together! Exes datin’ exes. Also they’re wearing the same outfit, which is an incredible power move. This brings up some special feelings for both Loretta and Rachel, so good thing these two are a solid as a rock! Even better, J.R. shows up to flirt some more with Rachel.

Loretta is NOT having it and says, “Listen, J.R., I don’t care if you’re studying to be a Nazi, if you touch Rachel’s hair one more time, I going to hit you so hard the whole bar will feel it.” Okay, first of all, what’s with the violence in this movie? Second, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING UP THE HOLOCAUST IN 90S LESBIAN MOVIES? Of the five movies I’ve watched so far in this series, three of them make reference in some way to the Holocaust. That’s 60% for all my mathheads, which feels like way too many percent. Three, how do those two things relate at all? I don’t care if you’re a bad person, don’t touch my girlfriend’s hair? Shouldn’t it be like, “I don’t care if you’re studying to become a traveling doctor who cures the world’s less fortunate, don’t touch my girlfriend’s hair!”? Also, regardless of someone’s plans to touch or not touch my girlfriend’s hair, I definitely would care if someone was “studying” (??????) to become a Nazi. I wouldn’t like it and I’d want them to stop.

This conversation obviously goes over well for no one and Rachel and J.R. end up leaving together.

 

Loretta returns home the next morning to find Rachel taking care of a still-drunk J.R. on their couch. “I could kick her ass. I could really kick her ass!” Loretta says while kicking the chair where J.R. sits. Is the person that wrote this movie okay?

Loretta and Rachel continue to fight. They’re both threatening to leave, or saying the other should go, or doing the “WAIT DON’T GO” all while J.R. sits like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s on the couch. Rachel packs her bag and takes off, leaving Loretta and J.R. to talk it out in the living room. J.R. says she loves Rachel and says she’s not going to give up on her. Loretta, Rachel’s girlfriend, is like “fair enough!” and gets J.R. a beer? I love logic!

Then J.R. goes to exit the premises with pants undone, shirt undone, and beer in hand. The pillar of society coming in hot! Who keeps you safe at night? It’s this lady!

Ah yes, now that Loretta and J.R. are alone they begin to flirt. I see some plot dice were made for this movie and the writers have just been rolling away at the craps table. J.R. and Loretta start to have sex, and all I can focus on is how dry their skin seems.

Now that Loretta’s done the unthinkable, Rachel is ready to leave – ready to leave the apartment where she and J.R. are currently hanging out. Why! Why would these two be hanging out? J.R. has just slept with Rachel’s girlfriend and is the reason there’s a break up in the first place. No to this! Do better!

But first Loretta wants to explain herself. See, she was filled with so much hatred for J.R. that she was turned on by her and that’s why she cheated. But then also she cheated because she wanted to? And wants to look back on her life like she lived it how she wanted to? Ha, okay, feels like Loretta wanted to end up at point A but ended up at at point Eleventy. “This wasn’t my fault, because of J.R., but also F YOU, YOLO.”

Now Loretta’s alone. You can tell by the way she’s washing and patting her face that she’s in the middle of a revelation. Then, into the mirror, like we all do when we need the motivation behind our character to be known but are running out of time in our own movie to show it or even shoehorn it into a conversation, she says:

“You fucked up. God, I know this feeling. Its like my umbilical cord has been cut and I’m floating out alone in the universe. I’m all alone. All I wanted was love. Was that so much to ask for? Who else left me? Who left me? Nah, he wasn’t there. Dad wasn’t really there. And mom couldn’t be there. Nobody was there. Where the fuck were they? Not there. All I wanted was love. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. You have to love you. I really want to love me.”

That’s it, folks. What more do you want? A movie? Get the hell out of here.

We’re wrapping up with Wheatgrass Shot Night at Girl Bar, and how is this place not out of business yet? J.R. and Annie show up together, which I’m sure was an idea the writers thought was “so funny.” Then Rachel and Sandy show up together. Ack! Eventually, because what is this movie without violence, Sandy and J.R. get in a fight. Even though someone stops the fight, considering how unnecessarily intense this movie has been, I’m surprised this scene is not ending with someone busting a bottle on the side of the bar to use it as a weapon and declaring with blood splattered across their face, “That’s how you bar, girls!”

  

Now Loretta and Rachel are talking again and everything’s fine. They’re back together? Perfect. That’s it. The movie’s over.

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What feels especially sad about this movie, and I guess almost every movie in this series, but especially this movie, and possibly why I’m so exhausted only five movies in, is that we’re not just supposed to willfully suspend disbelief for a particular plot line or scenario, we’re supposed to do it for the whole movie. For everything. The entire movie. Sets, even! Oh, that whole bar full of produce? Sure! It’s wheatgrass night, you see. No, no, this is good, and correct, and I do this happily because at least there are lesbians.

Is this why you don’t see older lesbians out that much? They’ve seen all these movies and they are just absolutely wiped? They’ve been walking around shouldering the burden of endlessly rationalizing the absurd and just want to lie down?

Please, my family and I are tired.

I Watched Lesbian Classic ‘Everything Relative’ And Whoops I’m Sad Again

Well, we’re back for another lesbian classic. I’m sure we’re all still cranked from the success of our last lesbian classic, I Can’t Think Straight. Well, all of us except Autostraddle reader, Sally, who called for a recount. It’s good to have your lived truth checked every now and again. Still, my offer stood: an edible arrangement for writer and director Shamim Sharif. She seemed down, but when I followed up with where I could send it, she directed me to an email address, and so I’m not totally sure Shamim knows how Edible Arrangements works.

When I was looking for what movie I’d review next, I remembered a movie that kept coming up in the comments of a past lesbian classic review: Everything Relative. And readers, while I understand part of the fun of this series is finding the bad ones to review, this suggestion feels especially hurtful. What have I done besides probably offend every single one of you at some point?

This 1996 movie written and directed by Sharon Pollack is about a group of college friends who reunite decades later for a weekend trip to a cabin in the woods, and I would love to tell you something else happens in this movie. I would love nothing more than to tell you that a group of gay women took to chaining themselves to their local co-op to save it from foreclosure which inspired a pop-up street fundraiser concert featuring K.D. Lang that turned into a city-wide Dykes on Bikes parade. But nothing else besides “a group of college friends who reunite decades later for a weekend trip to a cabin in the woods” happens in this movie.

Let’s get into this riveting story.

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OK, let’s just get this out of the way: the senseless stunting of the phrase “Everything’s relative” to name this movie Everything Relative will plague me for the rest of my life. Everything relative. You know, what everyone says. “You know what they say, everything relative!” Saying or reading this movie’s title makes my chest tight, like my breath is being restricted. I want to correct it. Everything Relative, I’m Sorry, I Misspoke, Everything’s Relative.

Fun fact, this review sat on my desktop titled “Everthing-Related,” for days without me noticing, which, when you think about it, why not, right? Sort of feels like this is how words work here. Everything Relates. Everything’s Retail. Anything Relative. Pretty embarrassment of me. Hopefully you’ll understanding though. Pleeb.

Opening the movie is a group call between old friends. We’ve got a woman who looks like Laura Dern if Laura Dern leaned so far into some of her characters’ queer subtext that she sort of barrel rolled out of her chair onto the floor. This is Victoria, and she explains she wants the old gang to get together for her son’s bris. On the other ends of the line are Lucy, a woman in a sports bra and work out shorts who’s moving around like she’s just done some sort of upper, and Maria, a woman who sits alone in her kitchen and responds to the news of her friend’s baby with, “That’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.” Ever?

And by the looks of her face, I believe it. Look at that. That’s the face I would give after hanging up with Publisher’s Clearing House after they called to tell me I’d won their sweepstakes even though I’d never signed up and would receive monthly installments of ten thousand dollars via a comically large check, and also that my whole family had been murdered under mysterious circumstances.

Maria also seems deeply troubled by this phone call. I suspect that she, too, worries her whole family has been murdered under mysterious circumstances, and that Publisher’s Clearing House is in some way involved.

We’re at the bris for Victoria and Katie’s baby and there’s a lot of full body embracing. Another friend, Josie, walks in and it’s clear that she and Maria were once a thing. Josie has on some kind of We Are the World quilted blazer situation happening. Katie, looks at Maria and says, “You gonna be okay?” and then, with the fear of someone who’s just seen a ghost, Maria slinks off screen while somehow both nodding and shaking her head at the same time. Maria! Girl, you alright?

Another friend, Gina, pulls up outside at seven o’clock, on the dot, she’s in her drop top cruising the streets! Gina’s look is definitely A Look, and by the way she interacts with Maria – who’s apparently tried to pull off an Irish Goodbye (from someone’s baby’s bris?) – I can already tell Gina’s supposed to be the group’s heartbreaker.

They head back inside and the whole crew’s finally there. Lucy introduces her new young thing, Candy, to the group, and someone side-mouths, “How old is she?” Doesn’t matter, they’re going to the old cabin! 

We’ve got some soft instrumental guitar ushering in a scene where the gals pack up their cars outside. Josie says, “What does a lesbian bring on a second date?” and everyone goes, “A U-Haul!” I’m wondering if this was the first ever mention of that joke caught on film. Outside, Lucy and Candy explain how long they’ve been dating, which is two weeks. I can’t see this particular new couple dynamic between a woman in her mid to late 30s and a baby 23 year old going too smoothly on a trip with six other women who’ve been friends for decades, but Candy’s being used as a prop to establish for the audience how all of these women know each other, so hold on tight, baby!

Gina explains that they met in college in a political class that was, “Half black women, half white, with Maria somewhere in the middle.” Everyone laughs at this? OK! Gonna go ahead and take a stab in the dark and assume that Sharon Pollack isn’t a woman of color. Candy, who laughs at the word “feminist,” is clearly out of her depth here, and I wish her nothing but the worst of luck.

On the road everyone’s talking about how they’ve all either dated or slept with each other. Someone asks Maria when the last time she saw Josie was and she says, “The day I left,” and leaves it at that. Maria is killing me. In the midst of the hookup breakdown for Candy, Lucy mentions a woman named Sonya. Sonya, Gina explains, was “one of [them]” but died when she was 21. As Josie reaches back to comfort an obviously affected Lucy, Gina blasts on the radio like, “Whewwww, let’s party!” Hahaha, hey, eerie mention of an old friend, but road trip! Life goes on without us all.

Let’s assess the outfits here. Honestly, not mad at any of them. However, the music in this movie so far is a special kind of terrible. It’s like a mashup between elevator music and the part of a Cymbalta commercial when someone finally stops looking out the window at clouds and starts living life again.

They stop at the store for snacks and booze, and as they shop Victoria asks Maria how often she talks to “Rubin” and how often she “sees the kids.” The hysterical crying at the beginning of the movie when Victoria invited Maria to her baby’s bris is making a lot of sense now.

Candy follows up with Lucy about Sonya in the liquor store, because what an offering up of information without any follow through, and Lucy explains that Sonya died in a car crash. In a car that Lucy was driving. A-yiiiiikes.

While the rest of the crew wait outside, we learn that there is A Straight in the ranks. It’s Sarah, the woman in a long tie-dyed dress and a sensible watch with a leather band. Sure! An older lady comes up to them and is like wow what’s with all the ladies!!! “Obviously, you’re not all related,” she says, and then Katie says, “Everything’s relative.” Or, when you really think about it, everything relative.

Once they get to the cabin, an unpacking montage set to, yes, Ani Difranco’s “Overlap,” begins. Gina’s packed the essentials: a book called The Dance of Intimacy and a Hitatchi vibrator. In the other rooms, Katie and Veronica kiss, Maria brushes her hair, and Josie looks longingly over her books.

At dinner they cheers to being together one last time before Victoria’s and Katie’s life changes forever. I have nothing mean to say about this nice moment except for the fact that I think it’s weird it was shot from a bird’s eye view.

They move outside after dinner for a fire and Candy goofs again when she congratulates Katie and Victoria on being the only ones out of the group to have children. With the air of a king anointing a knight, Victoria says, “Maria’s a mother.” Then Candy asks Victoria and Katie if they’ve thought about how hard it would be for the baby to have two moms, and it’s like you kind of want to be mad at Candy, but also you kind of want to see what kind of foolishness is coming next. Also, no offense, but Maria is a bummer. I’m sorry! Whenever she references her ex-husband or her children or anything vaguely to do with “the past,” she either storms out of a room or cries.

Alright, the acoustic guitar’s out, which is the lesbian equivalent of cigars being passed around for boys’ night out. Party’s offish. *slaps somebody’s butt then punches them also* The ladies are singing a How I Came Out song and Candy neutralizes this situation by drinking straight out of a champagne bottle. They’re all adding onto each other’s lyrics line by line as the song goes on and then Lucy busts out, “Let’s not forget all those young queers who committed suicide.” Ah, yes, I know that’s the last thing I want to forget when I’m trying to relax with friends who are just trying to remember the good old days via song and enjoy a nice weekend trip away from all of my cares.

As everyone goes to their respective rooms for bedtime, the screen adopts a blue hue and we begin to hear sad piano music. In one room that definitely ain’t Gina’s, people are having sex! There’s a baby crying from another room and Straight Sarah rubs her ovaries. In the another room, Lucy asks Candy if she’s really a Republican. Maria’s in her room crying of course. Victoria paces her and Katie’s room trying to calm their baby. Things that go bump in the night, eesh!

Oh look, there’s a lady with dark secret outside. Kidding, it’s Maria. Josie approaches and we find out that Maria chose a marriage and children over her. Josie doesn’t blame her. It’s “water under the bridge” Maria says, which is the third time someone’s said this phrase in 40 minutes. Forty minutes. This movie defies time.

That’s all that this secrecy and tension and low key panic have been about? A fairly common thing that happens even now? You’re telling me that Maria just appeased her family rather than following her heart and is now divorced/split from her children and isn’t on the run from the law under a false identity for starting and embezzling from a Ponzi scheme that destroyed the lives of a vulnerable retirement community? Could have fooled me! Just checked and this scene is six minutes long. Let me tell you something: if you’re going to make viewers watch SIX MINUTES of a sparsely packed conversation between two people who are standing shoulder to shoulder, this DVD should come with a crisp 20 dollar bill.

Everyone survived the sad blue world from the night before and woke up to a beautiful morning! Lucy’s made Candy leave because Candy obviously sucks, Victoria comes out to breakfast in a stunning knee length khaki short/blouse/tube sock combo, and Gina and Katie decide to go for a swim in the lake. On their way down, Gina asks how Katie knew Victoria was “the one.” Then Katie says the most romantic thing: “There comes a time when you realize you gotta just hang in there and work it out with someone.” Sounds like a blast!

They run into Lucy at the lake and Gina likes what she sees! The camera mimics Gina’s once-over and we pan slowly up Lucy’s entire body to reveal a two piece Speedo. Gina and Lucy have a little back and forth about Lucy’s loud sex from the night before and then they enjoy some nice time on the water.

Hey, here’s a real question I have: Is anything going to happen in this movie? Can someone decide they should all try PCP and then go into town trying to play it cool? Can everyone just start making out with each other? Can somebody find a shed full of money and realize they need to leave immediately like they never saw anything?

Well, they do decide to go into town but completely sober. Lucy wears just a sports bra and jean shorts. Josie and Maria head off on their own to do some window shopping and have another fun conversation about, guess what? Water’s location in relation to bridges. Four (4) mentions so far. Josie keeps hammering away at the fact that Maria wanted the house, husband, and the “2.2” kids.

Maria counters by saying that Josie never answered her letters way back when. Wow, the drama here. Josie says, “I wanted to know that your heart was broken into a million tiny little pieces, because mine was.” And then a comet hits earth. Kidding, no, they’re just walking down a street again.

Let’s play ball! Everyone’s chasing each other and fake tackling each other and playing tricks on each other and all-in-all just having a gay old time. Then there’s a dog pile! What fun this softball game has turned out to be.

Now we’re taking a break in the grass and talkin’ ’bout family and religion. Other topics include: Families and gays. Parents preferring a lesbian daughter or a daughter who’s a “hoe.” Parents always being disappointed. (A thing about me is I love to value my time, which is why I’m continuing to watch whatever this is. This movie is like visual Zoloft in that I haven’t worried about anything while watching it but I also haven’t felt alive either.) Someone asks, “Do you ever feel like you’re living the wrong life?” and it’s like, currently, yes.

Cut to a montage of the rest of their day at the park. They’re rolling down hills, they’re climbing trees and they’re going for dips in the water. Gays: they’re just like us! Something else you can count on gay people doing just like straights is crying in public during a social outing, something Straight Sarah’s currently doing because she thinks her not being able to get pregnant is punishment for working at Planned Parenthood.

Gina finds Lucy visiting the Dead Sonya tree. Gina notes that everyone’s a disappointment compared to Dead Sonya. Gina’s like, not to channel the Indigo Girls or anything, but you’re in love with a ghost, Lucy. Gina goes on to say that people who are alive get to disappoint and leave you and dead people can’t. The tension that’s been growing between Gina and Lucy all move is hitting some Mariah Carey whistle notes.

I ask Riese how much time is left and she says 40 minutes.

Now we’re back at the house for a nighttime strum and sing. As quickly as Gina brings our her vibrator to sing into it like a microphone comes a conversation about Victoria’s refusal to be out in public, and as quickly as that conversation develops comes a comment about Jews refusing to deny their heritage in the face of the Nazis. Oh perfect, I was wondering when someone was going to mention the Holocaust for no real reason.

Because the rest of the conversation is handled with the exact same kind of finesse, Katie’s eventually just like, “Let’s all go down to the lake and light some candles,” which is maybe the most lesbian solution to drama I’ve ever heard. Someone says, “We’re not all going to drown ourselves are we?” and honestly, at least it would be an ending we’d all be talking about.

Their lighted candles for loved ones are being pushed away “to sea” from where they all sit on the dock. Gina starts singing again and I can’t help but laugh. Gina! That’s so like you. Everyone joins in to harmonize while they watch the flames sneak away.

Okay, I don’t know what happened in five minutes but now Josie is naked and sitting alone on the dock? Maybe they did take PCP. Maria shows up on the bank across from where Josie sits on the dock and they have a conversation that for the fifth goddamn time in this movie uses the phrase “water under the bridge.” If Maria and Josie don’t have sex on this dock I’m going for a sprint down the road in nine degree fahrenheit weather. Oh, then there’s a full nude shot of Maria slowly slipping into the water.

Gina and Lucy look like they’re making out on the deck where they were justing dancing together, but they’re actually not, they’re just sort of hovering close to each other’s faces in between hugging and waving their hands in front of each other. Everyone’s got their thing I guess.

Maria made it safely to the dock (thank god) and Josie continues to sit like she’s a child who got lost at a carnival and is waiting for an adult to find her. They start making out and Josie is actively crying. You know, if this is what I thought lay in wait for me as a gay woman, who’s to say if I’d be writing here on this very website!

Now everyone’s having sex, which I did suggest earlier, but all the pairings are between people who you’d think, “Hmmm, I don’t know if I can picture them having sex!” but come to life, and spoiler alert, it’s as weird having that come to life as you’d imagine!

The next morning everyone’s got that glow that comes from crossing a bunch of boundaries amongst friends. When Straight Sarah comes out for breakfast she immediately doubles back to the sink to get sick. We know this means Straight Sarah’s pregnant as all get out, and someone asks if that means they get to see each other again in nine months. If I learn that there’s a sequel to this movie I’ll do my very best to sit through what I assume is a four hour movie in a hospital lobby.

Yayyy, now we’re showing everyone packing. Special ending to a special movie. Who says lesbians don’t know how to have fun!

As everyone is saying their goodbyes, it seems the two heartbreakers, Gina and Lucy, have finally bested each other. They know they’ll see each other again, whether East comes West or West comes East. Josie and Maria try and wrap up whatever it is that draws them together, things that are certainly not emotional or body chemistry, but it seems they will live permanently in a grey area for four to six minute increments until one or both of them dies.

We’re back where the bris was held earlier in the weekend, and because the old ladies who were in attendance are still there, I’m worried they never left. All weekend like, “It keeps getting dark and then light again?”

Katie asks her grandmother if she wants to hold her great grandson, and I swear to you in that moment the woman who’s playing the grandmother forgets she’s in a movie because she looks directly into the camera. She’s just happy to be holding a baby even though it seems like the people around her are acting a little strange, like they’re rehearsing for a play.

Then Sharon Pollack out-Pollack’s herself and ends the movie with this:

What can I say? This movie has a beginning, middle, and end. It has characters who have dialogue. There was a setting. It is “a classic” insofar as time has passed since its release and “classics” are contingent on a passage of time.

But ultimately this movie feels like someone’s asked you, “Hey, do you want to see some videos I took on my phone of my friends on a trip?” And you go, “Hm, did anything happen?” And it says, “No, it’s just some videos of conversations that you’re not a part of in any way.” So then you’re like, “I’m okay, but thank you,” and it’s like, “But what if I told you it’s over an hour long?” So then you respond, “Well, that sounds worse actually, and also I barely want to watch my own videos of people I know that I thought were funny at the time, so you could see where this feel like a bad idea,” and it follows up with, “Yes, but I’ve set it to terrible music.”

This movie will persist despite itself, no matter how hard you fight, until the end of time. Or beginning, because time is relative. Just like… everything.

I Watched Lesbian Classic “I Can’t Think Straight” and I Want to Send Its Writer an Edible Arrangement

You could say the first two lesbian movie classics I’ve watched in this series haven’t gone well. First, there was Better Than Chocolate, lesbian Die Hard, and then there was Go Fish, the gay version of a fever dream. I was convinced that movies were no longer an experience that could provide enjoyment and were instead tasks you must get through without complaint in order to atone for past sins.

Imagine my surprise then when halfway through I Can’t Think Straight, the 2008 film about a Jordanian woman from a Christian Palestinian background and an Indian Muslim woman who meet in London and fall in love, I turned to my viewing companion, my face straining into itself, and as if I was asking for permission said, “I like it?” Admittedly, the name of the movie and the theatrical release poster of what looks like two traveled jewel thieves on their way to their next heist don’t do the film any favors to endear itself to an audience prepped for eye-rolling, but those marketing decisions don’t reflect the rest of this film. Yes, writer Shamim Sarif has managed a believable and engaging romantic comedy that doesn’t end in someone jumping off or setting fire to a building, and I think that deserves something special. DM me, Shamim.

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Alright, we’re starting off with some shots of the hustle and bustle of Amman, Jordan and we land on what appears to be an incredibly rich person’s home. There we meet Tala, a smoking hot woman with the world’s tiniest cell phone.

She’s taking a call from her fiancé who is setting the scene: the engagement party is in 20 minutes! He sounds excited and also rich in the way that only a ring the size of a well-fed beetle can convey. Someone who must be very pleased with this match is Tala’s mom, a woman who requires no less than three house helpers to get dressed for a party. Coincidentally, Tala’s mom is also a smoking hot woman who is holding a tiny item the first time we meet her, but instead of the world’s tiniest cellphone it’s the world’s tiniest coffee cup.

Maybe the tiny accessories here are meant to employ that gag where people with big hands hold tiny things, but in this case instead of highlighting a size difference it’s to enhance their beauty. It’s an interesting theory! One I’ll continue to cite despite zero investigation or follow up.

Later we descend on Tala’s engagement party in full swing while everyone’s shaking it on the dance floor. There are whisperings about Tala having a reputation for being a bit of a runaway pre-bride, but surely her newest fiancé Hani will stick. There are a lot of other conversations happening at this party but the general sense I’m getting is that: Life’s great when you’re rich and beautiful.

Cut to London where we meet Leyla, another attractive woman! She’s wearing jeans and a ball cap, which I’m reading as code. Leyla’s a writer and has shown up at her father’s work to print out a story she’s written. He makes her come upstairs and chat about how she will one day take over his life insurance business. Conflict of interest!

Leyla explains that she has a date with someone name Ali, and when Leyla’s father says that he’s “a good boy” Leyla does that half-smile, look down and sigh that is the universal suggestion that someone kill her, please. Leyla’s father is concerned her going out on a Friday night will mean people will think she’s not a good Muslim, but he’s just joking. Love you, babygirl.

Later on, Leyla and Ali are off on their date, but first they’re stopping to visit Ali’s friend. Fun start to a date! “Tala’s great, trust me, you’ll love her,” Ali says, and Leyla, if I may, I’m going to have to agree! Right away they meet Tala’s mom, who I’m assuming for the entire movie is going to be smoking out of a cigarette extension like Cruella de Vil. Tala comes downstairs to introduce herself by double kissing Leyla’s cheeks, because she explains that’s how they do it in Jordan (*sets event reminder to move*), and this is Leyla’s face after:

They get into the subject of Tala’s upcoming marriage and Leyla asks if it will take place in a mosque. Tala explains not all Arabs are Muslim, and that it will be in a church. Then Tala asks Leyla outright, “Are you a Muslim?” and it’s like whoaaaa, where are we, an American airport? Then they get into the conflict in the Middle East, which seems like as chill a start to a date as any. Because Tala’s not religious she starts grilling Leyla about why she’s a Muslim, and I admire that Tala’s approach to foreplay is making a person as uncomfortable as possible.

The next time we see Leyla and Ali they’re on their way to play tennis with Tala and another one of Ali’s friends. Ali can’t seem to hit that sweet spot of a date that involves a one-on-one scenario, but hey, Leyla and Tala get to see each other again! Leyla remembers Tala’s double kiss greeting and Tala seems at once pleased and impressed, like a king who’s been entertained with a well-executed joust. They decide to start a match of their own while the boys catch up. When Leyla’s first serve goes into the net, Tala’s like, “They have some great coaches here,” and it’s like Tala, you rascal.

While they play, they look at each other like we all look at our new friends.

Then they start to volley back and forth and the camera is cutting from POV to POV like they’re both landing incredible shots, but in reality how they’re holding their rackets when they make contact with the ball would cause the ball to be launched into the atmosphere. “That was amazing,” Leyla says about the foreplay, I mean volley, as they meet and shake hands at the net, and that’s it, I guess 45 seconds in and they’re done playing tennis now. Sometimes you just have to leave it all out there on the court, you know?In the changing room Leyla gets in a good callback about how divine intervention helped her comeback on the court, but then is like, JK, I know you weren’t being offensive in asking about my religious beliefs earlier, and actually you made me think about whether my relationship to my religion is based in real belief or just conditioning. Look, an appropriate conversation relative to the progression of events! One you might have with someone you’ve just met and connect with and with whom you are hesitant to reveal too much about yourself just yet but still want to have them know you and know they’ve made a big enough impact on you that you’ve considered them outside of your interactions!

Tala sees Leyla’s analytical nature in full swing and goes into chill mode. “You know, you should really relax more,” Tala says as she takes Leyla’s hand into both of hers, and it’s like, yes, I know the best way for me to relax is when a model holds my hand while gazing into my eyes and says, “Relax.”

The next day Leyla’s mom encourages Leyla to go to lunch with Ali – because it seems the moms in this movie cannot give it a rest – and instead Leyla goes to watch Tala’s polo match. While Leyla’s watching the match her dad calls and is like, “Hey girl, where are you?” and Leyla’s like, “Hey, just definitely hanging with Ali, the boy I like,” and he’s like, “Hmm, that’s funny, because Ali just called the house looking for you.” Owned. He says he won’t tell Leyla’s mom. When he hangs up he looks at the phone with peace in his eyes like, “My daughter’s a big ol’ gay.” Dads know.

After the polo match it’s just Tala and Leyla again, hangin’ by a fence, something I’m noticing they do a lot of when they’re not on a walk together. What about calling this movie Some Walks to Remember?

As they round the stables, Tala goes next level flirt, just casually and unnecessarily dipping her fingertips into a pond with lilypads while asking questions like “What inspires you?” Leyla explains that she likes to write, and when Tala says that she’d like to read Leyla’s work to get past “that quiet exterior,” Leyla does what I think we’d all do in this scenario: walks away without giving a yes or no to the matter so as to pretend it didn’t just happen.

But of course you always end up showing that person you like that thing they mentioned wanting to see, which is exactly what Leyla does the next time they meet at the park. There on some steps, Leyla right next her, Tala reads “Before Snow Falls.” This is like that nightmare when someone wants to show you a youtube video and instead of linking it in a message so you can watch it alone later they hold their phone in your direction so you can watch it together and they can clock your reactions in real time, but much, much worse. And despite sounding like a fake movie within a movie, Tala loves the story. Or doesn’t, but is smart enough to say, “You have an amazing talent.”

Afterwards they do their usual walk and talk. The topic this time is Tala’s four engagements that she’s broken off, and I wonder what this issue has been! I’m sure through enough one-on-one deliberation these two can figure it out.

Back at Leyla’s house her mom keeps pushing the Ali thing and it’s like, stop trying to make Ali happen. It’s never going to happen. Leyla storms upstairs and her sister follows. Her sister wants to know what’s going on with Ali and then glances around Leyla’s room, spotting some key items.

Right. Right! Got it. No, it’s fine, I was going to ask you a question but I got it.

For Tala and Leyla’s next date that they’re not calling a date, they go a trip to Oxford together and meet up with Tala’s sister for a picnic in the park. Tala’s sister seems as clued in as Leyla’s sister about what’s going on between Tala and Leyla without even needing to ask, but that doesn’t mean that when Tala and Leyla start feeding each other in front of her she’s not like, “…WTF?”

After the picnic Tala and Leyla go on another walk together that, yes, ends with them standing next to each other at a fence. There they talk about the men in their life and how great they are, but with the subtext of “I’m trying very hard right now to be positive about this.” Here’s the thing: these conversations they’re having? They feel and sound like conversations real people have when they first meet someone they like but are trying to play it cool, and looking back they might feel super contrived and transparent and a little corny, but they are, and so this fits.

Tala and Leyla decide to stay in a hotel while they’re visiting Oxford. First order of business for Leyla is to read in bed, and first order of business for Tala is to dance sensually in a silk robe just feet away from Leyla reading in bed. Tala wants Leyla to come dance, but Leyla is shy and says she doesn’t have rhythm. Tala says she’ll teach her, winky face, and when Leyla agrees, Tala goes with a tactile approach.

Ah yes, the art of dance. I, too, love to learn. Leyla seems like an excellent student! You know it’s over when someone smells the other person’s hair, which Leyla does seconds after taking the lead.K.O. Shut it down, everybody. It’s been fun! Hit the lights, somebody grab the extra cups.

The next morning Leyla wants to know if Tala’s ever done this before. Tala says when she was 18 years old she fell in love with a girl, but nothing ever came of it. Tale as old as time. They talk about how possible it would be for them to be together, and after discussing Tala’s fiancé and the perceived cultural intolerance of where she’s from the forecast looks: not good!

Tala’s mom has gotten a tip from Tala’s sister that Tala has been spending an awful lot of time with Leyla, and so Tala’s mom arranges for a surprise visit from Hani for when Tala and Leyla return from Oxford! Tight! Thanks, mom! Tala’s mom says about the engaged couple, “They’re so in love it brings tears to my eyes,” and Leyla’s face is like, “Same.”

Shockingly, the meal that Tala’s mom forces Leyla to stay for doesn’t go well! Right after Hani brings out the wedding invitations for everyone to pass around and admire, Leyla excuses herself to use the restroom. Tala follows her and they settle on the wide open foyer of all places to talk about what they’re going to do “in secret.” Leyla’s convinced she and Tala belong together, and even though there’s a part of Tala that knows that, too, she decides she can’t let her family down again. The wedding’s still on.

Maybe as an attempt to ease the pain about Tala and Leyla not being together, it’s at this point in the film that Riese and I start listing the things we like about Leyla and Tala’s physical appearance. “They both have nice lips,” Riese says. “Yeah, and good hair and skin,” I say. This goes on for the entirety of the “everybody get ready for Tala and Hani’s wedding” montage.

We’re back at Leyla’s house in London, and the way Leyla’s standing in front of her mom in the kitchen with this mix of impatience and grappling like a kid who’s been told to wait outside on the patio while their bathing suit dries lets you know she’s ready to roll out the I’m Gay brigade. Her mom’s not thrilled! Leyla counters by saying, “You said you wanted me to be happy,” to which her mom replies, “I lied.” Woof!

The conversation escalates and hits its peak when Leyla’s mom’s screams, “YOU WILL BURN IN HELL!” which is right around the time Leyla’s dad gets home. To deescalate he pulls Dad 101 – offering to buy his daughter a flat while ignoring the conversation at hand.Back in Jordan, Tala has a similar run in with her dad. She tells him that she’s calling off the wedding – and all of its accompanying parties, again – and he simply says, “Fathers just want their daughters to be happy.” Something that’s interesting about this movie is that in it dads are the best and moms are the worst, which feels… off. Shamim, wyd?

Tala’s back in London and hears from Ali that he’s been dumped by a freshly-out Leyla. Tala tries calling Leyla to win her back, and when that doesn’t work, Tala tries physically intervening while Leyla’s out on a date. That doesn’t go well either, and Tala’s left standing in the dust like this:

This, by the way, is how I will stand from now on whenever I’m slighted. Speaking of stances, let’s take a look at Tala’s throughout the film, as I do feel they’re noteworthy:

Anyway, Leyla’s sister has had enough of Leyla and Tala not being together when she knows they belong together, and so she sets them up at dinner one night like she’s LARPing Carmen San Diego: London.

Even though Tala and Leyla look happy to see each other and have a nice conversation, nothing’s resolved over dinner and that feels correct. What’s Leyla supposed to do? Drop her new girlfriend because Tala’s back and angling? No, she shouldn’t, and that’s not how life works. Tala can wait like the rest of us, and in the meantime she can square away coming out to her parents.

After Tala’s mom responds to Tala’s news by saying, “Haven’t you shamed us enough already?” the maid brings the mom a shot like, “There, there my sweet homophobe,” and then goes to dance in the hallway, either out of celebration for Tala’s happiness, or Tala’s mom despair, or a combination of both.

Hey, guess who wrote a book while all this was happening? It’s Leyla! We’re at her book reading and signing for Ice Falling, which is either the prequel or sequel to Before Snow Falls, and of course Tala had to come. When Tala hands over her copy for Leyla to sign she asks for an inscription that could be made out to the LADY WHO JUST CAME OUT TO HER FREAKING PARENTS. What does Leyla write instead?

After the book signing they go on a walk together and spend as little amount of time catching up as humanly possible. “Oh, you came out to your conservative parents? Me too. Monumental, life-changing stuff. We’ll probably be unpacking it for a while. Anyway, hotel?” “Hotel!”

The next morning they sit in the park and Tala says what absolutely no one watching this movie is thinking: “Sorry we had to go to a hotel last night.” Then as they watch the children around them play Tala says, “You’re going to need a bigger place, because I told my parents we’re going to have children one day.” And guess what? That’s about as casual as these things happen sometimes.

Now, does the movie end with an old woman confusing lesbian with Lebanese? Yes, it does. And was there a weird commitment to the various stages of precipitation in Leyla’s writing? Sure. But I’ll tell you what. This movie never falls into an “I love you but I’m not gay” narrative, it has an appropriate gauge on a timeline of events, it allows conflict to breathe rather than be resolved by a phone call, a meeting in public, a dinner, it exists outside of self-referential conversation about the gay community, everyone’s of age/there’s no questionable power dynamics, no one dies, there are no explosions, and my god if that isn’t something. Shamim, come get this edible arrangement!

I Watched Lesbian Classic “Go Fish” For The First Time And Wow WTF Is This Movie

Last time I watched a lesbian classic for the first time I expressed that I would from then on be a broken person for having watched it. Some people were upset. This was a movie that came out (nice) at a time when queer media wasn’t as accessible as it is now, and seeing a story that looked like theirs at a time when they needed it most be taken to task was hurtful. The truth, though, was that the movie was bad.

It was important I move on to another lesbian classic.

Go Fish is the 1994 film about a group of lady loving ladies just trying to get by in a heteronormative patriarchal society. Written by Guinevere Turner and Rose Troche – names I won’t soon forget –  this movie was really the first film made by, for, and starring modern queer women, so I’d imagine there are many of you that have those same strong feelings you had about the last film about this film. Protective ones. Sympathetic ones. Ride or die ones.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I say that this might be the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

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Our movie begins with a group sitting around talking about lesbians that have existed throughout history, which almost 30 years later is still how a lot of our conversations start. Lily Tomlin. Audre Lorde. Someone suggests the entire cast of Roseanne, and in many ways John Goodman is a lesbian. One woman boldly proclaims Eve, a fictional character from the bible, is a lesbian, and even for the most veteran of “everyone is gay” that’s a reach. “Why are we making this list?” someone asks on screen and it cues a jackpot chime rollout in my brain.

Not only is this movie in black and white, but it’s got the kokopelli meets Keith Haring transitional graphics to usher this thing into peak 90s cafe culture. Also, before I go any further I do feel it’s important for you to know that this movie sounds like it was recorded from across the room in an airplane hanger.

Oh, look, it’s the lady from The L Word who always wore a white blouse tucked into some boot cut pants and who is the writer of this movie, Guinevere Turner! Her character’s name is Max and Max wears a backwards hat.

Max is a writer. We know she’s a writer because it’s all in the syntax. It’s got a rhythm like this. It helps to hear it aloud. Like in narration. The narration plays over a scene of Max writing. That’s also how you know she’s a writer. Max has a roommate. Her name is Kia. Kia’s girlfriend stayed the night.

Suddenly there’s a shot of a woman in a kitchen drinking hot tea out of glass without a handle, so you know something’s off.

We’re back at Kia and Max’s place and Kia reminds her girlfriend, Evy, to call her mom. When Evy gets on the line she begins talking into the phone without remembering to pause for the “person on the other line” and is hilariously trying to driving the story without a single regard for everyday rhythms in conversation. Into the receiver like, “Hello mom yes I hear you and will remember to do that thing as your daughter who knows what’s at stake here.”

Now we’re at the coffee shop with Kia and Max and they’re talking about “sex as in fucking” not sex as in “having slept with.” Wow, these women love keeping it real when it comes to intercourse. Then they start ranking people around them based on attractiveness, which feels rude. Max starts singing the “U-G-L-Y” song about a woman in a booth next to them and this is so problematic that the screen fades to black with no explanation. I wish that’s what happened in real life.

It turns out Kia knows Ely, the woman that Max has just called ugly and the woman from earlier who drinks hot tea out of glass with her bare hands. Ely has a girlfriend in Seattle and is definitely nailing this acting thing.

Later on Max arrives at Ely’s front doorstep to learn that Kia has set them up on a surprise date. Even though all three of them have just had a conversation about Ely’s girlfriend and Max is apparently repulsed by Ely? Thanks, Kia! At Ely’s we’re introduced to Daria, Ely’s roommate, who stands in the doorway and says with the charm and human warmth of a free text to speech language translator, “Hi, Max, looking cute as usual.”

Max and Ely decide to go see a movie even though where a spark between two people should be there’s a giant sigh. When they get back to Ely’s house they have a stilted conversation about how the world rests on queer filmmakers shoulders to represent an entire culture, which feels suspiciously like these filmmakers are asking the audience to forgive them not even 30 minutes into their own movie.

Without explanation and after too long a conversation about tea (honestly what’s the tea thing), Max and Ely start making out on the couch despite zero chemistry and Ely’s monogamous relationship. Also do remember that very recently Max was literally chanting “ugly” in Ely’s general direction. Sure. Why not. Now the camera is just doing a loop-de-do around their crotch areas.

Now Ely’s getting a haircut so she can look edgier and it sounds like MC Skat Kat, the jazzy cartoon cat from Paula Abdul’s music videos, has scored the scene.

Then we’re b-rolling into a scene where Daria has sex with a man. And ah, here it is, the classic “I had sex with a man” lucid dream where all your queer friends question the validity of your lesbianism. A lot of points are being brought up here. Bisexuality. Quality over quantity? Sex as a vehicle for orgasms. Sex not as a vehicle for orgasms? Sex for fun. Lesbians who sleep with men.

This movie feels like someone took acid and filmed their friends on a T-Mobile Sidekick.

Cut to a montage of women in wedding gowns where there’s spoken word narration about heterosexual marriage being echoed by a whisper narration and I sort of want to cry. You know that part of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when Willy Wonka takes everyone down that tunnel and the overstimulation of everything is too much? That’s this movie.

Now we’ve got some soundscapes easing us into a scene where Daria is having sex with a woman on a bed, and on that same bed a cat sits so close to their bodies it might even be touching them. Here’s the thing: I 100% know someone’s doing this very thing right now like it’s a nonissue and I want to die.

Ely is making dinner mere feet away in the open floor-planned apartment, and it slowly becomes clear to me that the shots of Daria and her date’s love making and the shots of Ely’s food preparations are meant to parallel each other. Something I did not expect from watching this movie was that bread would be forever ruined for me, but here we are.

The sex keeps going. Then Daria’s date turns her head and looks directly at Ely. The camera turns to Ely and she’s like, “Huh?”

Then there’s a shot of a tea kettle whistling from the kitchen, which is supposed to represent the orgasm happening to a woman who basically has a cat on her chest, but really it should be a shot of someone picking up a phone and hearing a dial tone, because that’s the amount of fervor to this sex.

The next day Ely and Daria decide to throw a party at their place, probably to wipe clean the memory of the night before. Max shows up in her Sunday Best– her backwards hat and jorts. One woman has exactly one bang that cascades down her face. Now they’re playing Never Have I Ever, a game that was unfortunately lost to the sands of time, never to be heard from again.

A spinning top on a checker board keeps transitioning scenes, which makes about as much sense as this entire movie.

Now Max and Ely talk on the phone all the time because they kissed at the party. Chemistry off the charts. Aaaaand now we’re literally experiencing in real time two people’s boring phone conversations that no one on earth finds interesting besides the two parties involved.

Cut to a lesbian scrapbook music montage of Max and Eli getting ready for a date. Then Ely shows up early at Max’s place and Max is still in her robe. As they small talk on the couch Max takes Ely’s hands and says, “Oh, look at your nails,” as if to say, “Oh, look at your NAILS.”

Ely registers this about 30 seconds later and calls into the bathroom where Max has just returned to, “Hey, do you have any clippers?” In this first date scenario I think it would have been perfectly fine for Max to call back, “Sure, just one second!” and then quietly exit through the bathroom window, but instead Max brings Ely a set of clippers knowing full well what’s about to happen.

As Ely cut her nails on Max’s couch, I feel a sense of loss. Of what is unclear. What is clear is that Ely hasn’t set up a game plan for the clipping situation, not a receptacle or tissue in sight, and so nails are going every which way. Max returns to the couch in her robe and begins cutting Ely’s nails for her.

Then, naturally, they start to make out. The nail clipping inspired makeout turns into sex on the same couch where pieces of Ely’s nails surely coat the surface and I think, “There are all kinds of people in this world, aren’t there?”

Alright, it’s the next morning and Ely is doing the happy sex dance down the street on the way back to her place! Good for her!

Max stays snuggled up on her nail couch while she relives the dream that was the night before as Kia and Evy listen on, which means we also get to relive it in flashbacks. Please end this movie. Help me. What have I done to either of you, Guinevere Turner and Rose Troche?

Okay, the movie ends, and honestly I don’t even care that it ended in the middle of a conversation. As the credits roll there are gratuitous shots of women having sex, and I’m assuming this is supposed to be a reward for having made it through the movie.

Because there is nothing good about this movie. The acting. The dialogue. The airplane hanger audio. The camera work. The words “nookie” and “ho” were used. Typically in movies, there’s also conflict and a plot. The entire experience feels like when someone’s telling you a story but realize pretty quickly into that it’s bad and just keep going anyway.

When I finished this movie I felt a deep, still sadness. It grew from a small sadness tumbleweed that picked up everything in its path as it took a wild ride down a hill and turned into a heavy mound, taking one last rotation before finding its final resting place on level ground.

Have I ever made a movie, you’re asking yourself? No, I haven’t, and so maybe this isn’t fair. But I have had terrible ideas, like a remake of Hope Floats but as a 10 second short of a girl face down in the water, and I’ve chosen not to release them into the world in a public way, until now, where I’ve done it quietly at the bottom of a post everyone has surely stopped reading.

Goodnight and may god have mercy on our souls.

I Watched Lesbian Classic “Better Than Chocolate” for the First Time and Now I’m a Broken Person

“‘Better Than Chocolate’ was the GOLD STANDARD.” – Heather Hogan, dream woman

One lesbian movie to rule them all. Somehow this 1999 lesbian classic managed to slip under my radar all these years, so Heather’s statement seemed like a dare to me! But then I saw the movie’s cover which was two naked women in embrace, and read the synopsis which was, “Two attractive young lesbians, Maggie and Kim, meet in Vancouver, develop a passionate romance, and move in together,” and at once I bowed and said aloud, “Your Majesty.”

This opening title? 1999? Vancouver? A passionate romance that leads to cohabitation? What I learned in watching this is that “develop” was a generous descriptor of the progression of events in this film, that according to this movie zero people of color exist in Canada, and also that I am so, so glad this was not my first introduction into the queer scene.

Follow my descent into this crazy thing we call love.

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Alright, we’re starting with some funky music at drag show. This is relatable because when I first started dating women I also found myself at a lot of drag shows, where almost every single drag king was called Justin, like Justin Case. I never understood why more names weren’t utilized, like Ben — Ben Smooth — or Mark — Mark Miwurds.

Here’s where we first meet Maggie, who’s performing on stage at The Cat’s Ass wearing a halo. Could this be foreshadowing? And, yes, the gay bar is called The Cat’s Ass because the writer of this movie, Anne Wheeler, was apparently challenged to come up with the world’s grossest name for a bar and she was like, “No problem.”

Maggie exits the stage and it looks like she’s leaving the party early. On her way out she’s stopped on the street by two skinheads. Oh, are we starting this movie out with a hate crime? A van pulls up and beeps so the skinheads decide to leave. This seems a bit passive for Neo Nazis but I’ll take it! Then – in the weirdest setup for a meet cute of all time – Kim exits the van and asks Maggie, “Are you okay?”

Maggie says she’s fine, thanks, and Kim’s like “cool cool” as she walks back to her van with her hands in her cargo shorts. I wonder where Maggie’s heading after her night at the gay bar, except no I don’t, because of course she’s going to the gay bookstore, Ten Percent Books.

Do you get it. Right when she opens the door the music changes from club to a genre that my ex liked to call “lesbian scrapbooking music.” That very abrupt musical transition made me laugh out loud and it makes me sad that queer book stores are becoming a thing of the past and that I won’t get to experience that magic moment as I walk into a place called something like Buy Curious Books again.

Now we’re in a sex toy store, the third wonder of the lesbian world after lesbian bar and lesbian bookstore. We’ve only got lesbian coffee shop and lesbian art studio left to go! Keep in mind we’re not even three minutes into this movie, so we’ll get there, I’m sure. Oh, no, this is not a sex toy store, there is just an ENTIRE WALL OF DILDOS in the book store. This is where Maggie sleeps.

My favorite 90’s Mom from The Good Son, The Santa Clause, and Air Force One is also Maggie’s mom, Lila, and is calling! She’s divorcing from her husband and Maggie says something like, “Finally,” which feels hurtful. Lila doesn’t know Maggie’s sleeping in a gay bookstore or that Maggie’s gay, but she does know that Maggie’s dropped out of school. When her mom brings up the school thing she does that Upset Mom Register that sits in the back of the throat and sounds like a cry is doing its best to try and muffle a scream but then they both just come out at the same time.

Maggie tries to pacify the situation by saying she found a great place in an interesting part of town, definitely not on a couch in the back of a bookstore where she stares at a wall of dicks. Maggie’s mom is like, “Oh, good, because I’m moving out of the house and your brother and I need a place to crash,” and then before Maggie can interject her mom goes, “See you soon!” and hangs up even though she has no address or any information. In a taxi like, “Where are we headed today?” “Maggie’s apartment!”

Hip lesbian bookstore owner, Frances, emerges from the shadows to tell Maggie she better figure out a place to live because she’s not staying here! The conflict in this movie arrived so fast!

Maggie finds an apartment sublet in what looks like an old sawmill, because god forbid a lesbian in a movie live in a townhouse. The woman she’s subletting from is giving her sex toys a good ol’ polishin’ as they talk logistics. It’s for the month and the month only, and no surprises!

We’re back at the book store and ayyy who’s this woman dusting the dildos? From the sound of it she’s VERY into sex. Oh, it’s Carla, the bisexual. Right, because bisexuals are sex-crazed. This movie gets it! And here we go, Ani DiFranco in the background. Five minutes into the movie and honestly I don’t know if I could come up with a more stereotypical lesbian movie if I tried. Doesn’t mean I won’t try!

The bongos and strum of Ani’s acoustic guitar usher in this sweeping scene: Maggie’s walking outside and spots Kim doing a portrait of a guy outside her artsy van.

The guy who’s getting his portrait done, Tony, waves Maggie over. He’s the owner of the coffee shop next to Ten Percent Books and he seems like a terrible person. Tony confirms my suspicions seconds later when he instead of paying Kim for his portrait he just takes it and is like, “You can have a free coffee at my coffee shop.”

He walks away and Kim gestures to Maggie like, “This freaking guy,” and asks Maggie to sit for a portrait. Maggie explains she doesn’t have any money, but, oh, I’m sure y’all can figure something out, am I right ladies?!?! Kim gets right down to business and unleashes Assertive Top Lesbian: “You have beautiful eyes.” As she’s drawing, Kim explains that she lives in her van, and because all of her belongings are in there she’s essentially driving around a U-Haul.

Next up is the coffee shop! There Maggie unfurls the portrait Kim’s just finished and it looks like if a child was asked to draw a “scary lady”.

Maggie’s face and my brain are screaming, “You have to give up drawing immediately,” but what comes out of Maggie’s mouth is, “You’re good.” Who among us haven’t done this. And I’m sorry, but why does Maggie always look like she’s just walked into the wrong meeting?

So in this movie it’s been a total of two minutes that Maggie and Kim have known each other and they’re already discussing how they are going to handle Maggie’s family coming into town. Like we have officially fast-forwarded eight months into dating. Hahaha, then there’s this close up of Maggie’s face and Kim’s hand creeps into the frame attempting to stroke Maggie’s hair but just misses. There, there, sweet girl.

As they go to kiss they get kicked out of the coffee shop by Tony because he explains that it’s a family coffee shop. Instead of flipping a table or two they’re pretty much like, “Alright, see you later, friend!”

We’re moving fast here so of course immediately after they leave the coffee shop Kim asks Maggie to join her in her van for sex. Think about if this really was the first lesbian movie I saw and how that might have shaped how I thought things went when you first meet someone you’re interested in. “Hi, what’s your name?” “It’s Erin, and my sex van is right outside.”

Maggie accepts Kim’s offer and once they’re inside it’s time for some mindful hugging.

Then Kim proceeds to lay Maggie down eeeever so gently. We’re talking a good 20 seconds to get her all the way down. I’m trying to imagine this scene happening to me. Someone invites me into their van after five minutes of knowing them, and then once I’m inside they start to hug me for a really long time, and then after that’s done they recline my body onto a bed at the speed of a rope-operated dumbwaiter.

Their weird but spot-on lesbian foreplay gets interrupted by the tow truck that’s hauling them away to the pound!

This film can’t decide if it wants to be wacky or intense and I really need it to pick one. “I’m not just one thing.” – This Movie, also probably upcoming dialogue from a bisexual character in this movie.

After getting towed they head over to Maggie’s new place. They’re sort of poking around the subletter’s stuff and Kim finds five sex toys all within arms reach. Whoever Anne’s basing this character off of needs to CALM DOWN. Kim puts all of the toys on display in the window and Maggie’s like, “My mom’s coming silly!” and that makes sense but then immediately after that they strip naked so they can paint on each other’s bodies and roll around on a tarp.

Both hands, they are using both hands, they are writing graffiti on their bodies, they are drawing the story of how hard they tried. The song that’s playing has lines like “Please hold me” and “You touch my heart” but it’s also peppered with a woman moaning, and again it’s like, pick one. Either be scrapbook music or be sex music, don’t be both!

Shower time! As they make out Kim is coming a bit from the side and has one hand on the side of Maggie’s face, sort of like she’s showcasing her head, and I’m starting to think that Kim doesn’t totally understand human bodies. Mid-make out there’s a knock at the door – it’s Maggie’s mom and brother!

Maggie and Kim freak and pretend they’re temporary roommates, something I’m sure will be made permanent by nightfall.

Okay, it’s later that night and – finally – they’re having sex. Naturally, they’re on the floor surrounded by a bunch of tapestries and candles. Maggie keeps reminding Kim to “shhh” but then lets out these high pitched sighs that turn into mini screams, which is now the second time she’s presented a reasonable objective only to immediately abandon it.

I wonder how many times this particular scene has been rewound by the collective queers of the world. That is a number I would love to know. The noise wakes up her brother in the other room and he’s off to investigate. There’s no need to do too much searching because they’ve left the door WIDE OPEN. Well, Maggie’s brother seems very excited to see his sister have sex, which is something.

Now we’re back at the bookstore and there’s a story line that I genuinely could not care less about but keeps being brought up so: the bookstore has been notified that books they’ve ordered for their inventory are being help up at customs for being “offensive material” even though they’re just books about safe gay sex. There. ARE YOU HAPPY, ANNE WHEELER, THE WRITER AND DIRECTOR OF THIS MOVIE? Why is this being given so much air time when we need a good 30 minutes from you to explain to us where these two women are mentally that within an hour of knowing each other their sense of self and boundaries have completely dissolved? But please, continue on about the books.

The good news is there’s a trans woman, Judy, that’s introduced but the bad news is that Judy is played by a cis man. Judy has a thing for Frances and I’m counting on Frances – who always has a joint in her hand – to knock it off with the weirdness towards Judy. I have to say, though, Judy’s story line is being considered in a way that I did not expect and is also being handled with some finesse.

Judy stops by Maggie’s place to drop off a housewarming gift and meets Lila. They have a glass of wine together and exchange a lovely conversation about their fears about essentially not being enough. In the end, though, they decide, you know what? Cheers to strong women. This is already my favorite pair.

Later at Maggie’s place everyone’s hanging out and after asking Kim if she has a boyfriend, Lila asks the real question we’ve all been wondering: “What is that god awful music?”

Hey, it’s a Cat’s Ass kind of night!

Carla’s brought Maggie’s brother (who it’s been made clear is 17 and not of consenting age), Judy’s celebrating after buying an apartment with the help of Lila (who swindled her way into a job as a realtor) and is set to perform, and Maggie and Kim are busy having sex in the bathroom.

Everyone in the bathroom is whooping and hollering even though they’re all in line to use the only stall available. Let me just say if there were two people having sex in a bathroom’s only stall for a long time while a line I was in formed out the door, I would not be whooping and hollering.

With the adrenaline of a great performance under Judy’s belt and a little encouragement from the conversation she’d had with Lila earlier that day, Judy decides to tell Frances she’s in love with her. And it seems to be well received! Judy goes to the bathroom to freshen up when all of a sudden this other woman walks up behind her while grimacing and does this TERRIFYING puckering noise with her mouth.

It’s the same sound an old lady made at my girlfriend and me outside the Vatican in Rome when she saw us holding hands and I 100% had a curse put on me that day. Then like she’s a villain from Scooby Doo the bigot says, “Aren’t you in the wrong place, sir?” and then throws water in Judy’s face. Judy simply says, “Are you happy now?” and wow I do not like this scene!!!!!!

We’re back on the dance floor. Maggie and Kim are slow dancing with their foreheads touching like they’re trying to tap into the other’s third eye.

Kim crinkles out a single rose still in the plastic wrap from her back pocket and whispers, “Let’s go,” and I’m assuming she means back to the bathroom. Kim did mean back to the bathroom, and when they get inside Judy is being attacked by that horrible woman. Maggie and Kim apprehend the attacker and force her to apologize to Judy, but the fact that this scene is cushioned between a scene of a tantric make out and a scene of Maggie’s mom back at the apartment finding another box of sex toys make this scene feel flippant.

Now Bisexual Carla is bringing Maggie’s younger brother to an empty lot overlooking Vancouver’s skyline to have sex with him. Ayiyi. He asks if she really likes boys and she says, “Soft centers, hard centers, I like all the chocolates in the box.” Carla Gump.

Without any discussion of the traumatic experience that’s just happened to Judy, she back at Frances’s place. They both look very nervous and after a quick kiss it falls apart. Judy leaves and everything’s terrible.

Back at Maggie’s apartment Lila is using the box of toys she found and whoa is she having a ball! Now This Is What She Calls Music: Volume Boioioiong!

The next morning Maggie’s mom is walking on air. Frankly I’m surprised she’s walking at all! Her mellow is harshed, though, when she walks in on Maggie and Kim cuddling in their underwear on the couch.

Oh! Oh, yes, right, I see. But also, she has some questions about the box she found. Maggie tells her it’s all a misunderstanding, they’re not hers, and her mom’s like, “Well, I used all of them???” and then they all find themselves on the couch discussing how much Lila enjoyed the sex toys.

Lila questions whether or not Maggie’s actually in love with Kim, and when Maggie doesn’t answer right away, Kim’s out of there. Maggie tries to run after her but Kim’s not having any of it. “I can’t believe we’ve only known each other for three whole days and you can’t even say you’re in love with me!!!” Then Maggie sprints in the opposite direction to nowhere in particular.

Kim’s going to San Francisco, but before she does she meets up with Judy. They’re both upset knowing that the people they have feelings for can’t fully let go of whatever fear they’re holding onto. Kim says Judy is “one in a million” and it’s a shame more of the movie isn’t like this.

Oh, thank god, I was so worried about the book store crisis. Now the customs people are coming for Frances’s movies! I’m going to bankrupt myself by opening my own Ten Percent Books so I can never talk about books or movies ever and just play racquetball in there.

Lila’s hanging out at Judy’s new place and there’s a package that comes for “Jeremy.” Judy explains that she’s “Jeremy” and Lila has a melt down. She goes to the fridge and downs an entire glass of Chardonnay which is just gross. Oh, yes, you just went through and used an entire box of used sex toys that you thought were YOUR DAUGHTER’S and Judy’s the weird one here.

The letter that arrives for Judy is from her parents and it explains that we won’t be interacting anymore, but please do enjoy the condo we bought you. Lila seems upset for Judy when she hears that and it seems she realizes how awful she’s just been downstairs. Judy’s upset, but also, she’s FULL OF RAGE. She starts taking the opened paint cans she has lying around and starts thrashing them against the wall.

Lila joins in and they reconnect on a human level. Then they get drunk, decide they’re “goddesses,” and scream, “MAKEOVER!!!!” I want a movie with just these two.

Okay, now we have reached the scene that I bet everyone has in mind when they groan at the mention of this movie. We are back at Ten Percent Books where Maggie – fueled by oppression and love lost – stands naked in the window with a sign over her chest that says “OBSCENE LESBIAN” and a sign over her pelvis that says “PERVERT.” I mean, this is textbook.

And there we go, scrapbook music. Another quick cut/music transition into a scene where skinheads start to circle Maggie’s window display like sharks.

Judy and Maggie’s mom are stumbling around Vancouver hammered trying to find Frances and they happen upon the bookstore where they see the skinheads trying to get inside. Lila gives her best attempt at a slap session and fails miserably. Judy takes a punch to the face before giving one of her own. The four skinheads that easily outweigh them in size and blind hatred take that one punch as a sign that they should leave. Again, not the the skinheads I’m used to reading about!

How do I describe the next three minutes of the movie without it seeming like a MacGruber skit? Well, Judy and Maggie’s mom make their way inside the store to make sure Maggie’s alright, and then Judy goes next door to the coffee shop where Tony is fixing a gas pipe. Just as he’s explaining that the hose doesn’t fit, the skinheads drive up and launch flamethrowers through the windows. Yes, this is happening. One flamethrower nears Tony and because of the exposed gas BOTH STORES BLOW UP.

This is so much. Oh my god, I just came here for a romantic comedy! “It’s explosive.” – A more accurate movie blurb.

Amazingly, no one is hurt. Judy runs outside for help and here comes Frances to declare her love for Judy. I would be so scared to meet the writer Anne Wheeler because based on every relationship in this movie I’m pretty sure if you just introduce yourself to Anne she’d be like, “It’s so nice to meet you and also be in love with you.”

Would you believe it, Kim’s come back, too. There’s a burning building in the background, Maggie is bloody and naked, and sirens are approaching, and rather than frantically scream “MAGGIE WTF IS GOING ON?!?!” Kim slowly saunters up without ever losing eye contact or saying a word and then sensually kisses a terrified Maggie. Who is she.

The credits roll and wrap up everyone’s story lines. Lila performs for the first time at The Cat’s Ass. Carla and Maggie’s brother live together. Frances and Judy get married. Kim and Maggie go on tour as performers (of what?) and Maggie writes her first book, “Better Than Chocolate.” The last line of the movie is said by Maggie’s brother who is watching his mom perform onstage and he goes, “Yeah, shake it, Mama, whew, ugh!” and I need him and/or Carla to go to jail.

I feel like I’ve been through so much. I feel damaged, like this movie has taken a part of my soul. And not only does this movie refuse to apologize for it, I think it’s going to use my soul’s energy in order to make it even more ridiculous for the next person who watches it. It’s like The Ring, but instead of bad things happening to the next viewer, the movie just gets worse. I’m sure it started out as a normal movie about two women who meet and spend an appropriate amount of time together before finding love in this crazy world, and now 17 years and thousands of views later it’s essentially Lesbian Die Hard.

Go forth in peace, my kittens, and don’t be like me – break this chain of power.