PHOTOESSAY: It’s Your First Time at Dinah Shore

Hey y’all!  I’m back from the frontlines of Dinah Shore Weekend where thousands of queers descended on Palm Springs to soak up the sun and make lifelong friends.

From afar (and also from close-up let’s be real), Dinah looks like a sea of lesbians whilin’ out getting sunburnt. Now, that’s either your dream or your hell depending on your feelings about sun, pools, and parties.

This year, I talked to some Dinah Virgins (the official term for first time attendees) who took the plunge and made it out. They all found that while yes, it is about sun, pools, and parties, it’s also about community and coming together.

What they had to say really echos my experience every year – people are super friendly (like really, really friendly), you’ll be totally fine if you show up alone, and WEAR SUNSCREEN.

You’ll probably have a blast. If you don’t like pools, parties, and crowds (which is totally fair and relatable), you can enjoy these photos from a comfortable distance!

Feel free to play “Soak Up the Sun” as you scroll.

Here are the interviewees!

Interviews have been edited for clarity

What did you expect Dinah to be like?

Amanda: I didn’t actually know what to expect – I had seen things on television and movies. I’m from a very small place so the idea of coming to Dinah was intimidating but very exciting.

Jacqueline: Whillin’ – and it is!

And how is it?

Dom: I expected just insanity and craziness nonstop  but what I’m learning is that it’s that but so much more. It’s also about connecting with people – I’ve met like 4 or 5 really key people that I’ve just connected with – it’s more than just insanity.

Gena: For sure, same thing – I definitely thought it was just going to be a sea of lesbians – just craziness I don’t even know but I’ve definitely made some new connections, some lifelong friends.

Jacqueline: It’s great! This community of women from all around coming together with good vibes and good music

Lyn: Yeah – it isn’t just all about women it’s about everyone as a community. I’ve seen a lot of different people here and I’m glad that I’m comfortable here!

Jacqueline: Yeah, very comfortable.

Amanda: I had the best time – really good people and really friendly. Everyone is just really excited to be here and the music has been amazing! It exceeded expectations and I’m really excited that I actually came.

Vanessa: I feel amazing about it but I’m exhausted but it’s amazing!

Arla: Yes – it’s totally amazing. I’m just soaking up all the great energy and estrogen.

What’s your favorite part so far?

Vanessa: I’m loving that today we woke up early enough to do it properly!

Arla: My favorite part has been how friendly people are with just chatting and smiling!

Will you come back?

Arla: Yes and I’ll drag like 10 more people!

Advice for future first timers?

Amanda: Just come with an open mind and excited to meet people because you’re going to meet people from different scenes around the world and I think that’s really important to get exposure to that!

Jacqueline: Sunscreen, food, eat before you drink, get plenty of sleep. Don’t sleep in between the pool party and going out because you won’t rally

Lyn: Just like me – I didn’t rally yesterday. 

Dom: Bring sunscreen like nobody’s business because it’s hot and the sun will literally burn you no matter what color you are.

Gena: Let your freak flag fly – it doesn’t matter, have fun and be yourself! I just feel like there’s so much love around everyone is just having a good time connecting.

Seriously y’all like if you don’t take anything else from this article at least WEAR SUNSCREEN AND DRINK WATER. Nobody needs a dehydrated lobster.

PHOTOESSAY: The Dinah, As Told By Dancers

Last weekend, Palm Springs hosted the annual Dinah Shore weekend of pools, parties, and women (and everyone who loves them).

This year, to walk us through the parties, I talked to some of the Dinah Dancers, who get to observe all the goings-on while working extremely hard in the heat. They are there from open to close, from the pool to the club, through every performer and DJ. From their boxes, the not only the see the most, but they have to embody the spirit of Dinah and set the tone for every party.

This is the Dinah through the eyes of Rachel Helzer, Cherry Lei, Alyhed Morales, Melissa Martinez, and captain Julia Ensign.

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Packing

But first, packing. Friends, it’s hot.

1. Bathing suit – duh.
2. Sunglasses, and I wear mine with a strap because I take them on and off to shoot and will definitely lose them.
3. Hat even though I usually nullify it by wearing it backwards.
4. Sleeveless everything.
5. Mostly sleeveless shirts and like one with sleeves for the evenings.
6. White denim vest for the white party.
7. Some more evening outfits.
8. Lots of shoe options that are basically the same but different.
9. My main camera and my fave fun camera, a medium format point and shoot. One day I’ll develop those.
10. SUNSCREEN SUNSCREEN SUNSCREEN. Y’all this is the first year I didn’t get burnt and I am Irish and this is a miracle.

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THURSDAY

Dinah kicked off at Zelda’s Nightclub in Palm Springs and honestly this year was the wildest I’ve ever seen it. Maybe it’s the political climate but everyone turned out for a good time.

Why do people come from all over the world to experience the Dinah?

Rachel: “Because it’s an experience unlike any other. It’s like Pride for only women. It’s a party that truly celebrates women who love women. It’s awesome.”

Cherry: “Huge organized event of crazy sexy fun where lesbians and women can just enjoy a weekend of liberating fun without the worries of being judged. Great vibes with beautiful ladies!”

Melissa: “If you don’t know about it yet, you soon will because it is the #1 all girl party that keeps getting bigger and better every year!”

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FRIDAY

Alyhed: “If I must choose [a Dinah highlight] I would have to say the first moment I stepped on the box — it felt surreal!”

Cherry: “Since I became a gogo I’ve been told I need to work at The Dinah! Coming from Hawaii, we don’t have events at this level — actually being there was way more intense than I ever imagined but it was such an incredible feeling of empowerment and acceptance.”

Melissa: “I’m gonna give you a little back story on how I got hired to dance for Dinah. So seven years ago when I was dancing my little Dinah virgin heart out in the crowd at one of the pool parties, I was stopped by this beautiful Dinah dancer at the time who told me she had been eyeing me from the gogo box and asked if I wanted to be a Dinah dancer. I couldn’t believe it, and I thought ok yeah sure great April fools joke — but she was the dancer manager, and at the next day’s pool party she put me on the box for a set to have me audition. I was booked for the following year and well, let’s just say the rest is history! Lupe and I have become the greatest of friends over the years — she is the reason why I get to be part of this amazing event and why I come back for another year!”

Alyhed: “Technically it’s my first time working Dinah, but not my first time at Dinah! I love this event. It differs because I would look up at the Dancers in admiration. This year it felt amazing actually being a Dinah Dancer!”

What is Dinah to you?

Alyhed: “An event about women for women who love women.”

Melissa: “A place where women from all over the world unite to get away from reality and be themselves.”

Rachel: “An oasis of feminine energy. For one weekend we build a community and a safe space for women to enjoy themselves. It’s a magical sexy place!”

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The World Famous White Party at the Hard Rock Hotel

Y’all are such an important part of Dinah — How do you embody the Dinah experience? What do you try to represent when you’re up on the box?

Julia: “I try to bring full energy to every set, engaging with the crowd and creating an experience for them! For some, they won’t see another gogo dancer where they live until they come to Dinah again the next year, so I try to make it memorable.”

Rachel: “I feel like it’s our job to engage with the guests and hype the crowd! We bring life to the music the DJs are throwing out. If a gogo dancer is feeling the music she can engage an entire room! We as Gogo’s effect the vibe of a party and can make or break It! I try to always give 100% and bring good vibes to Dinah.”

Melissa: “I feel from the minute you walk through those doors you always have to have the mentality that you are on stage, even if you’re not. That image you put out is the reputation and representation of Dinah.”

Alyhed: “I try to represent me, every dancer has their own style and Lupe (the women behind the curtain) loves that we all give something different to the Dinah experience.”

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SATURDAY

Rachel: “It’s honestly a marathon. Wake up, dance. Drink a gallon of water, dance. Take a nap, eat some food, redo your makeup, dance. Dance all night. But the vibe and music and dance team are all so good it’s a total high! It’s a tough schedule but I love dancing.”

Melissa: “We work all day and night. Hoping to get four to five hours of sleep, I’m at least up by 9am and in bed by 4 a.m. I always try to start my day with a small preworkout at the gym, have breakfast and get ready for the pool party, lunch and snack throughout pool party sets, dinner after the pool parties. Can I just say they provide the best lunch and dinner for Dinah staff, so yummy and greatly appreciated. I then rest up for at least an hour before it’s time get ready all over again to head to the night party. Number one key for me to keep going and get through the weekend is to stay hydrated, no alcohol and lots of electrolytes. It’s definitely exhausting but so well worth it.”

(On a personal note, the dancers have saved me multiple times with electrolyte water.)

Cherry: “Dancing in the heat! Hot hot hot! But finally getting sun is worth it! I’m a vampire in Hawaii!”

Rachel: “It’s an experience I don’t get anywhere else. Performing at Dinah is very special. It’s something I’ve always aspired to do. It’s hard work but I feel lucky I get to part of it.”

Julia: “Once you make the cut to be a Dinah dancer you never really see yourself stopping. It’s an experience that not many people get the opportunity to have and I absolutely love it!”

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The Hollywood Party

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SUNDAY

Melissa: “Every year I go in meeting new friends and come back home with new editions to my Dinah family!”

Julia: “Every year I meet the coolest women from around the world! I had a handful come up and tell me that they follow my partner and I on social and they were so proud of what we were doing and looked up to our relationship. To be able to affect others from across the globe and then meet them in person and see their smiles is very special to me!”

Some of you ladies have partners who join you at Dinah. What is that experience like?

Julia: “As a fellow entertainer my partner Felicia understands what comes along with the entertainment industry. She still gets the cutest smile on her face when she sees me on stage and I get the same look when I see her in action. She’s my rock and we leave Dinah stronger than when we came.”

As Dinah closed out this year, people weren’t ready to go home.

The end of the night brought Melissa’s Dinah highlight : “It was at the end of the night closing party at Zelda’s. I remember walking outside where everybody was in front of the club dancing in the parking lot to multiple car alarms.”

Rachel: “Sunday night at Zeldas. The whole night, seeing people from the weekend, the set up of that club is great because we can really get close to people and make connections! I hope I made someone’s Dinah more memorable with my dancing. The hardest part of Dinah is recovering from Dinah. There’s definitely an emotional comedown when you have to get back to everyday life. Also my legs and knees are so sore from twerking for 4 days straight lol”

Alyhed: “Monday morning when you have to face reality and go home.”

PHOTOESSAY: Dinah Dinah Dinah

This year I decided to DO Dinah (as opposed to last year when I ran away and went camping). It’s basically “how long can I survive in the heat before I die” and then “how long can I stay at this party before I pass out” and repeat.

Things to bring:

• sunscreen
• phone charger
• swim suit
• something to put over your swimsuit
• some sort of white-ish outfit
• donuts
• your dog (if your lodging allows)

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DAY 1

LA —> Palm Springs

I had the privilege of being housed by the Stuzo Clothing team and Girls With Flair at their rental.

And we were off to the opening party.

Back at the house, Stuzo was hard at work getting ready for the weekend.

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DAY 2

We took a morning swim.

And were off to the pool party.

I checked into the Saguaro for some rest. I highly recommend having a place to hideaway from the action.

And then it was time for the White Party.

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DAY 3

We woke up and caught some pool time at the hotel.

And headed back to the Hilton for another day in the sun.

I escaped to another friend’s rental for some quiet pool time.

And back to the hotel for a nap.

And some evening bocce ball

Then it was time for the “Hollywood Party”

We ended up at a house party and this happened…

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DAY 4

Woke up early and headed to the Hilton to catch Madison Paige opening the final “Wet and Wild” pool party.

Then I headed over to the Ace to catch some mellower vibes.

And with a milkshake from “Great Shakes”…

We were

And without a sunburn which is a MAJOR accomplishment.

The L Word Episode 112 Recap: Looking Back By Recapping “Looking Back”

It’s been ten years since The L Word premiered, and we’ve got lots to talk about. Welcome to The L Word week!

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Welcome to the twelfth recap of the first season of The L Word, a supernatural drama about a precocious dolphin trainer with shiny hair who enjoys riding her vespa, doing cartwheels, reading the Delia*s catalog, eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches, trying on strapless bras, sledding in the summertime and collecting band-aids. This episode promises hijinks and madness, including a race to the top of a mountain, nipple confidence, and tiny robots that can can give alternative lifestyle haircuts.

Yes it’s true, I’m recapping an episode from Season One in honor of L Word week. Previously, I have recapped the pilot episode as well as all of Seasons Four, Five and Six, back when I had a giant hole through my brain and said a lot of strange things on the internet. I used to pepper these recaps with quotes from my pals/viewing partners and photographs of said pals, but alas now I live on the dock of The Bay far away from most of my pals, so instead I g-chatted Laneia while watching it and included some of that here! Anyhow, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOSBALL????

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We open at a poolside party in Los Angeles, California in 1979, where free spirits are listening to disco music, snorting cocaine, and probably celebrating the recent return of NASA’s first orbiting space station Skylab to earth. A few douchey guys in unfortunate fashion situations with brawny chest hair have gathered ’round the pool to encourage three naked ladies to stick their tongues down each other’s throats. Because free love!

The camera cuts out before we see what really goes down, but I hope it doesn’t involve someone going down on somebody else, because then that somebody would probably drown.

Laneia: i’m making a face
Riese: welp, i already hate men
jk i hated men before i started watching this show

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Cut to the present day circa the buttcrack of dawn, where the ladies are prepping to drive out to the Dinah Shore Sexy Slut Partyathon, Bette’s considering hiring The Carpenter for the Provocations Project and Dana’s presenting Kit with her 56-page thesis entitled “How To Take Care of Mr. Piddles.”

Marina’s employing her one and only facial expression, “Serious and Smarter Than You,” to subtly disapprove of Jenny joining the lezzies on this sultry vacation.

Also, somehow Alice’s Mom Lenore has invited herself on this road trip! Oh, Lenore. You are a permanent reminder to us all of the missed opportunity to name an L Word episode “Lenore’d.”

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En route to Palm Springs in the dead of night, Alice exposits the history of Dinah Shore — used to be a golf tournament, now is lesbian spring break — and then Tina exposits the history and greatness of the Human Rights Campaign, who we’re told will be giving Dana Fairbanks an award, probs for Best Female Ejaculation ever.

Because this show is sometimes adorable and Alice’s breasts look amazing in that shirt, everything is perfect. The carload erratically sings along to “Closer to Fine” as dawn breaks, because I guess these girls left at 4 AM to make the 2.5 hour drive to Palm Springs, or something.

Alice’s Mom, continuing on her quest to be a Cool Mom, is inspired by The Indigo Girls to tell everybody Alice’s “coming out story.” Apparently, back in high school, Alice snuck behind the bleachers to get drunk and smoke cancer sticks with her hot friend and then her hot friend threw up in Alice’s mouth. Alice is like, that is not my coming out story, my coming out story is way more punk than that.

Once upon a time, Alice chewed a lot of gum and played in a band in her pajamas with her boyfriend Greg. Then she met a hot chick named Tayo who played bass and they played tonsil hockey together all over Oberlin or wherever but then Tayo broke her heart and now Alice is eating Burger King in a car with a bunch of lunatics who will probs kill Jenny some day.

Next up is Dana, who’s reluctant to share ’cause her Patient Zero Lady-Love is a famous tennis player, maybe the one whose girlfriend submitted this really g-dawful manuscript to us in 2010. Mystery Tennis Homo was Dana’s counselor at Tennis Camp and they were in love and liked to suck face until MTH confessed to her best best friend and her best best friend did the worst worst thing and called her parents, thus getting MTH kicked out of Tennis Camp, leaving Dana to spend the rest of the summer with her Hitachi Magic Wand.

Lenore, a sudden expert on the lingo, moans, “tennis players are like girls in college, gay until graduation,” and the girls politely chuckle.

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Back in WeHo, Bette’s trying to register for A-Camp when JAMES (a member of my short list entitled “men I don’t hate”) arrives to inform her that Candace “The Hottie” Carpenter is here to ruin her life I MEAN TALK ABOUT BUILDING THINGS. The Carpenter has big ideas about wall mounting and scaffolding and how to make the space “more dynamic.”

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We then strap jetpacks onto our tank tops and rocket on back to The Longest Drive to Palm Springs In The History of the Automobile, where Lenore’s got a coming out story to tell because why the hell not. Her story, which we now recognize was the intro scene, takes place at “one of those Hollywood parties” in the ’70s “full of swingers and orgies and drugs.”  Lenore claims she got busy with four melons in a pool, but our visual flashback reveals that the other two wild children went for it but Lenore didn’t, she just treaded water and looked timid. If only she’d known that one day she’d grow up and kiss Shane.

Next up is Shane’s “coming out story,” except it’s not really about coming out but also none of these stories are so whatever. Shane shares the touching tale of tiny Shane watching Tiffany Gardner play in the park all day until one day she was like, “You know what? Fuck this, I’m gonna talk to this girl.”

Laneia: Baby shane just hopped up like she was putting out a cigarette
Riese: She was practicing for when she would grow up to be Shane

Tiny Shane’s already wearing Shane pants.

Shane: “So I pack up my Sunshine Meal, and I walk over to her, and she’s just sitting there in the sand playing hard to get, and I knew I was hooked. That girl took my Sunshine meal toy, and then she took my heart.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TIFFANY GARDNER.

Then they drop Lenore off on the curb and zoom into balmly Palm Springs, California, where thousands of lesbians are preparing to give each other yeast infections.

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Cut to The Palm Springs Hotelscape Center of Lesbolife, where the girls skulk in with their luggage and their tiny goth friend Jenny Schecter, queen of the underworld.

Before anybody can look around and wonder who was in charge of casting these extras because they aren’t repping the Pussy Juice and Creamed Corn Contingent accurately, Tonya the Guest Liaison sweeps in.

Riese: everyone is so grown up
and wearing such clothes
unrealistic
Laneia: yes they really are overdressed. way too many spaghetti strap tanks
Riese: everybody seems really polite and there are no tattoos or crazy hair
Laneia: no one’s passing out from axe

Tonya is here to steal Famous Dana Fairbanks from her darling friends and protect her from Rabid Lesbian Fandoms with strong feelings about the Soup Chef.

The best part of this scene is that Jenny looks like she just walked into a morgue and isn’t sure who killed all those innocent people.

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Starsweep to the Grand Pool Party, otherwise known as the innermost circle of hell.

Jenny:  I’ve never seen so many women in one place in my whole life.
Alice: And every one of them is greased up and ready to go!

When I went to Dinah Shore for the first time and stepped out of our room to overlook the pool party, I felt and looked exactly like Jenny does right there. If Jenny is anything like me, she will turn around immediately, open the top dresser drawer, snag a slice of psychedelic banana bread, and trip her balls off until Sunday.

Riese: this is how i felt when we went to dinah
Laneia: yes, complete with jeans and long sleeve shirt
and the feeling of never leaving that deck
Riese: i like how jenny stays dressed like emily the strange the whole time, she was my Dinahspiration

The camera pans down to reveal small gaggles of moderately aged women gently tossing beach balls, neatly teasing one another with towels, enjoying many varieties of sarong and sipping on POM juice while floating listlessly upon inflatable sharks.

Riese: this is really low-key
where are the Go-Go’s
where are the F-list celesbians
Laneia: where is the screaming
i remember trying to walk to get a burger with palmer and it took like 20 minutes to get to the other side of the pool
it was actually god awful
Riese: yeah and you had to buy tickets and then buy the burger with tickets.
Laneia: OMG SHARK
WHALE
WHATEVER
Riese: when i felt weird i just thought “if jenny could do this then i can too”

Dinah Shore, according to The L Word:

Dinah Shore, according to The Real L Word:

[Sidenote: This L Word episode was actually filmed in Vancouver, according to The New York Times, but its impact on the Palm Springs Dinah Shore weekend was monumental :

After the Dinah party — or a simulacrum of it, filmed in Vancouver — was depicted in the show’s first season in 2004, attendance at the real thing promptly doubled, to 2,500 people from 1,200 at the splashy Saturday night party alone.

Over 10,000 women now attend Dinah Shore Weekend events, which are now exclusively hosted by Club Skirts. According to NewNow Next, “while the Dinah Shore weekend of events has existed for decades, when Showtime’s hit show The L Word filmed an episode there, it pushed the weekend into notoriety.” Robin Gans of Girlbar (whose logos can be seen on the wall of the White Party in this episode) told The Bay City Reporter that  “The L Word really helped kind of skyrocket [Dinah Shore].” In 2007, Ilene Chaiken visited Dinah Shore for the first time when The L Word and OurChart (its companion social network) did live events at Club Skirts. Ilene Chaiken told Curve Magazine, “I’m all in favor of any excuse for tens of thousands of gay women to get together and have a good time.”]

Before Dana can settle in and realize her true feelings for Alice or worry that she might sit on some placenta and ruin her white pantsuit, Tonya swoops in to yank her back into Ton-Ton-Town, after being supper inappropriate and flirtatious regarding Dana’s physical appearance at this juncture.

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Back at The Art House of Sin, The Carpenter has dared to charge $50 more than the highest bidder for her project, because oral is extra. This is a big deal to Bette despite the fact that her left sock probably costs $50.

The Carpenter kindly draws Bette a Project Management Triangle just in case Bette literally just got born, but Bette’s distracted by The Carpenter’s gams, jaws, facemeat, hipspace, buttpad, et al.

The Carpenter and Bette have sex with their eyeballs and then The Carpenter jets to that Cuban place to get some Cuban food to eat while having sex with their eyeballs later in the afternoon.

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Meanwhile, Tina, Shane, Jenny and Alice weave through the crowd with all their clothes on, stopping to heavily pet a booth selling tacky t-shirts and, apparently, Hpnotiq.

Back at Cuban Sexy Food Time, Bette and Candance are talking about how Candace and Yolanda are splitsville when Tina calls. Tina’s like Dinah is WILD I wish you could see it! You guys, HER WISH CAME TRUE, because now when you go to Dinah Shore you can send people pictures on your phonepiece.

Tina can barely hear Bette over the sounds of Celesbians in the Wild.

Back in La-La Land, Bette hangs up the phone and Candace is all like, “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend,” and Bette’s like, “why would you?” and I’m like, “I don’t know, maybe Candace saw the pilot.”

Laneia: bette just wants someone to boss her around
Riese: yup
Laneia: poor thing

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Tegan and Sara Premiere Lego Masterpiece “Everything Is Awesome,” Are Playing Dinah Shore

Today, the internet gifted us with “Everything is Awesome,” a demented video game synthesizer explosion performed by Canadian wonder-twins Tegan and Sara and their partner in lesbian haircuts, Andy Samberg of the Lonely Island.  The track is two minutes and forty-three seconds of sugar-high hyper enthusiasm, and it’s the lead single off the soundtrack of Warner Brothers’ upcoming The Lego Movie.  The rest of the soundtrack is mostly scored by Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh, save for a mysterious track called “Untitled Self Portrait” by Will Arnett.

[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/128399415%3Fsecret_token%3Ds-J7fYt” params=”color=ff6600″ width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

The film (out Feb 7 in the US) is based on the trials and tribulations of some brightly-coloured plastic blocks most of us played with as children.  Ever since Rihanna and Liam Neeson delivered Oscar-worthy performances as they battled sinister aliens on the high seas in the epic masterpiece of a film known as Battleship, movies based on generally context-less kids’ toys have become very sought-after.  Thank you, Hollywood.  Thank you.

Anyway, the song’s pretty great.  Tegan and Sara’s next move will be to bring “Everything is Awesome” to Dinah Shore, whose musical guests also include Mary Lambert, Hunter Valentine and Iggy Azalea.  The notorious ladies’ weekend takes place between April 2-6 in Palm Springs, California, and it promises to be just as wholesome and charming as singing a song about happiness in a children’s movie.

Brittani Does Dinah Shore, Girlfriend and Dignity Still Intact

Here I stand (sit?), a two-time Dinah veteran. Not yet a seasoned pro, but getting there. I’ve experienced Dinah as extremely single and extremely taken, as a nobody with a pool party pass and a shitty hotel room and a nobody with a guest bracelet and a nice hotel room. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve walked more than I wanted and slept less than I needed. I approached this Dinah with an understanding of what I was about to encounter and a preparedness that allowed me to not only survive but to mostly enjoy myself.

My girlfriend and I drove from LA to Palm Springs Thursday night. I figured it would be healthier for our relationship since there was a thing on Friday we could possibly be late for, and she is perpetually that. One of the perks of being white, I guess: you get to be late and you don’t feel like people will judge your entire race for it. Girlfriend Liz tells me this is called “stereotype threat.”

We arrive at the hotel and they have the wrong name listed for check-in. I don’t really know whose fault this is so I blame the entire human race as I am wont to do. I have to call Alex Vega in the 11 o’clock hour so she can call the hotel and switch the reservation to my name. She handles it like a pro and in no time I’m filling out a form that not only replaces me as the person assigned the room, but lets me list the names of people I authorize to get room keys whenever they need them. All of this is a huge waste of time as apparently they burned this piece of paper as soon as I left, because no one was able to ever get a key without some sort of drama at the front desk.

The next morning is as leisurely and relaxed as it can be when you have to wait while someone changes their bikini top/shorts/tank top combination five times. We head to get our wristbands before the noon rush and then go back to our room to hang out until our friends and Autostraddle web series members get in. Along with Lauren Neal and Sarah Sokolski from Words With Girls, Sarah Croce, Haviland Stillwell and Ashley Reed are there with Unicorn Plan-It. There’s an Autostraddle meet-up that afternoon; we have all decided beforehand that it will be pointless, but we decide to be responsible individuals anyway. I don’t know about you, but when I’m hyped from just arriving to an event, have been drinking my face off and am dancing violently next to a pool, the number-one thing I want to do is go to a dark bar whose location I’m unsure of and talk to people who are probably way more sober than I am. Needless to say, the meet-up is a rousing success. More than one person shows up. It is great. I also just want to throw in that the only place it was mentioned was in the booklet, which only some people that attend Dinah get and which roughly three people on earth read. One of those people is me. I have literally never seen anyone else even touch that booklet. I don’t know how people know where to be. I guess there’s some gay guiding force that pulls them.

After the pool party, which I don’t attend much of between the going to the meet-up and and taking note of where everyone’s rooms are, my girlfriend and I decide to find food. We haven’t eaten since we had something quick in the morning, and we’re both starving. We wander around the strips of restaurants a couple of blocks from our hotel in search of a place that has vegan options, isn’t expensive and takes cards. After 30 minutes, we both know that if we don’t find food soon, we’ll to turn into cranky grumbling monsters. Just in time, we find a place called Atomic Dogs. I don’t like hot dogs so while she lucked out, I’m still screwed. I say fuck it and map the closest Burger King, which is two Dinah miles away. A Dinah mile, as defined by me, is five minutes of walking while intoxicated. We decide to meet back at the hotel and I start walking.

After we eat, we nap until it’s time to get ready for the White Party and Haviland’s performance; we really know how to get the party going. Haviland performed a five-song set, including two of her original songs, at Hunter’s, a local gay bar. We watched the show and chatted with Wendy Jo Carlton (Hannah Free, Jamie and Jessie Are Not Together) and Lisa Cordileone (Easy Abby).

Unlike the pool parties, which were at the Hilton, the White Party is in Hotel Zoso, where we are staying. There are three different rooms going, so everywhere you turn, there are hordes of women, dressed in their best (and probably only) white attire with drinks in hand and smirks on faces. Before we join them, the members of Words With Girls and Unicorn Plan-It have to hit up the VIP Party. I go down early to check it out and report back. There are a few of the other web series folks milling around outside the room but none of them are going in—or talking to each other. I decide we can forgo this awkwardness for a little while.

By the time we show up, all of the people I recognized earlier are gone and the only people in the room are the people that paid to be. We’re all standing around talking when we realize the DJ is playing a ton of old Jay-Z and Missy Elliot, along with other straight-up 90s jams like “Candy Rain.” No strangers to spectacle, we dance by ourselves on the empty dance floor until it’s time for the red carpet, where we proceed to look like we don’t belong and probably confuse everyone with our presence.

After the red carpet, we go back to the VIP Room because the DJ is still playing a heavy hip hop and R&B throwback set. A party promoter from the Virgin Islands buys us all drinks, and a Club Skirts photographer snaps pictures of us being ridiculous. There’s no reason to leave so we don’t. They’ve stopped checking wristbands at the door, so we invite all of our friends to the room and only leave when we find out that there’s a hip hop room upstairs. Eventually we’ve danced long enough and most people are too drunk to coherently answer texts about where they are that we decide to move on to the next thing, which is obviously pizza. We find a place that is a)open, b)walkable and c)dirt cheap. We rendezvous with Jess Shaffer of The Love Corner and I call cabs for the eight people that successfully make it to her room. We end up at a house party until 3:30-ish, then head back to get some sleep.

Next: Saturday and Sunday Shenanigans

Girl Bar Returns to Vegas for Dinah Shore Weekend 2013

Have you always wanted to relive The Hangover with less white dudes and tigers but more lesbians? Then perhaps you should consider hitting Las Vegas for Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend from April 25-28. Girl Bar, in association with the Truck Stop Girls and Fuse Events, is taking advantage of the city that never sleeps by offering you the opportunity to party all damn day and night. It seems all those ads are paying off.

This is pretty much a no brainer if you like Las Vegas, women, and fun times. Not only do you have pool parties and great DJs from all over the nation, you’ll have time to explore The Strip, get some sun, eat at buffets, and maybe make a little money at the casino. Check out the events below and get your weekend passes at the Dinah Shore Weekend website. If you want to hit Vegas with a group, look into the Posse Pool Party Pass which seems like a great idea because usually I’m not only looking for a a party, I’m looking for a deal.

Thursday, April 25th

Traffic Jam
KOI Ultra Lounge at Planet Hollywood, 8pm-Midnight

Friday, April 26th

Bling 2
Both decks of the VooDoo Lounge at Rio, 10pm-4am

Saturday, April 27th

Infinity Pool Party
The Main Flamingo Pool, 10am-5pm

Pick up some swag at the Vendor Fair, get overly competitive in the outdoor gaming section, capture some memories at the photo booth, and witness some surprise sexy at “pop-up” performances by the Truck Stop Girlz and GB2 GoGo’s.

High Heel Poker Tournament
The Flamingo Poker Room, 3pm

The details of this are as follows but I have bo clue what any of it means. $130 Buy In plus $10 dealer add on. Chips: 8K + 2K with add on. Blinds are 20 minutes.

Flamingo White
The Flamingo Go Pool, 9pm-3am

An Evening Under the Stars will have red carpet photo opportunities, gaming tables, non-stop burlesque performances and showgirls. And not like the ones from the movie Showgirls. Plus, a live performance by Little Miss Nasty. This is actually a group just so you know. Not one small woman that is really nasty.

Sunday, April 28th

Closing Party “T-Dance”
Caesars Entertainment Location, 2pm-10pm

A Guaranteed Hot Time at The Dinah

Brittani’s Team Pick

In case you hadn’t heard, The Dinah is happening again this year. I know. Thousands of queer women want to party in Palm Springs again? Totes weird. Don’t know why anyone would want to be surrounded by women, stay in a nice hotel, and chill next to a pool all day. People have strange priorities.

If for some reason you live in a place where it’s not at least 60° and sunny all year round, then Jill Bennett, Rose Garcia, Suzanne Westenhoefer, Jacqueline Monahan, Haviland Stillwell (holding a dog), and Dalila Ali Rajah are hoping that they can get you to Dinah Shore if for no other reason than to escape the inclement weather of your current location. The Dinah is taking place April 3-7th in Palm Springs and we’ve already told you what to do once you get there because you’re going, right?

Autostraddle’s Guide to Club Skirts Dinah Shore Weekend 2013 in Palm Springs

Some people never learn their lesson. And some people learn their lesson and still want to non-ironically rap “The Motto” while surrounded by hoards of queer women trying to avoid heat stroke while having the time of their lives. Only one of those kinds of people will be at Dinah Shore this year. At this point in time, Dinah Shore 2012 is kind of a blur. I don’t exactly remember why I had a great time but I’m certain I did and that I will once again this year. I won’t be the only one. The cast of Unicorn Plan-It along with some members of the Words With Girls team will be there.

We’ll be taking part in certain festivities of which there are many. Here’s what we’ll be doing April 3rd-7th in Palm Springs, CA and what you should make a valiant effort to do before walking to the 7/11, buying chicken fingers, and then accidentally napping for three hours. Don’t worry, no one will notice.

Thursday, April 4th

Thursday Night Comedy
Zoso Grand Ballroom, 7:30pm
Fortune Feimster (Last Comic Standing, Chelsea Lately, After Chelsea) is headlining the comedy show which will also feature Suzanne Westenhoefer, Jackie Loeb, and Jacqueline Monohan.

Friday, April 5th

TGIDF Pool Party
Hilton Hotel Main Pool Area, 12pm-5pm
Autostraddle (that’s us) presents Thank God It’s Dinah Friday. The first pool party was my favorite last year. It’s when most people are arriving and everyone still has a sparkle in their eye and a pep in their step.

Canadian pop artist Anjulie will be performing her hits “Boom” and “Brand New Bitch”. When she’s not on stage, the Dinah DJs will be playing and I must admit, I do enjoy their musical selections because they tend to play songs that have words which is key.

Autostraddle Meet-and-Greet
The Autostraddle Lounge, Hilton Hotel, time TBA
Alsoooo, we will have an Autostraddle Lounge situation happening. You will be able to come by and hang out with us (Sarah Croce, Haviland Stillwell, Lauren Neal, Ashley Reed, Brittani Nichols, Sarah Sokolski) or just pretend like you’re interested in who we are as people so you can get out of the sun for a bit. We can’t tell the difference.

The Dinah Film Festival
Hilton Hotel Grand Ballroom, 6:30pm
Second Shot and Out in the Desert will have their exclusive world premieres. Second Shot, starring Jill Bennett (3Way, We Have to Stop Now, And Then Came Lola) and co-created by Nancylee Myatt (South of Nowhere, Living Single, Cowboy Up) is an LGBT sitcom about an ex-soccer player who inherits her hometown’s tiny gay bar. There she’s forced to face her first love who happens to be “the one that got away.”

Out in the Desert is a documentary that takes an in-depth look at the sex, love, and friendships that carry on when tens of thousands of women take over Palm Springs for the event we call Dinah Shore. The Page Hurwitz (Last Comic Standing, The Rosie Show) produced doc boasts appearances from the Indigo Girls, Margaret Cho, and Elizabeth Keener.

The Dinah White Party
Zozo Hotel, 8pm
Curve Magazine will be hosting a VIP Party at 9pm which will lead to a celebrity studded red carpet. Havana Brown will be performing “We Run the Night” five times in a row. Probably not but I can dream. There will be three floors of parties and two dance rooms and the more queer women than any other Friday night dance party in the world.

Saturday, April 6th

The Cabana Girl Pool Party
Hilton Hotel Main Pool, 9am-5pm
Ryan Murphy’s favorite website, AfterEllen, will be hosting this pool party which will include Celebrity Dodgeball. The symbolic game of dodging balls will feature the Thursday night comics and The Real L Word ladies. It’s going down at 11am and will be a real display of athleticism. If the TRLW girls haven’t lost your respect (because you only respect those with mad dodgeball skills), they will be available for photo ops and autograph signings after.

Also, Kat Graham will be performing. I know I know I know. What the hell is Kat Graham going to perform. I guess in addition to having a show I’ll never watch she also has music I’ll never listen to BUT that does not stop her from being Kat Graham. Shit, I’m gonna go YouTube her music right now because I’m betting she wears revealing outfits and dances around in said outfits for 3-4 minutes.

4th Annual OML Battle of the Celesbian Web Series
Hilton Hotel Main Pool, 5pm
Representatives from all your favorite lesbian web series, including Unicorn Plan-It and Words With Girls, will be battling it out on stage. What this battle will include, I have no clue but I’m sure you won’t want to miss it because none of us will be willing to recount it after the fact.

Girls That Rock
Zoso Main Pool, Doors open at 11am, bands start at 1pm
Life Down Here, PlayBoy Club, and Love Darling will be playing instruments and making sounds with their mouths. Obvs you know Love Darling from TRLW theme song and maybe you remember Life Down Here from Crystal’s artist spotlight. If they’re good enough for Crystal, they’re good enough for me.

The Dinah Goes to Monte Carlo
Palm Springs Convention Center, 8pm
I’m not sure why we, as a group, would want to go to Monte Carlo but I guess we don’t really have a choice. Especially if you don’t want to miss Karmin performing at 9. You know Karmin from that “broken hearted” song on the radio but also more importantly from her several viral videos covering hip hop songs because when black people do it, it’s meh but when a pretty white girl does it, it’s the second coming. Here TV Network and SheWired are hosting a VIP party which will funnel into a celebrity packed red carpet.

Celesbian Poker Tournament to Benefit the HRC
Palm Springs Convention Center, Saturday night
While everyone is partying and having a good ol’ time, the celesbians will be putting them to shame by playing poker to raise money for the HRC. If you’re not a selfish human being that can do math, maybe you will play poker with Julie and Brandy (!), Kiyomi McCloskey, Jill Bennett, Lauren Bedford Russell, Rose Garcia, Kim Stolz, Fortune Feimster, and more for only a $50 buy in.

Sunday, April 7th

The Wet and Wild Pool Party
Hilton Hotel Main Pool, 9am-5pm
This will be your last chance to take advantage of the Dinah Dancers and the photo booth poolside. International artist Diana King will be performing and all your fave celezzies (including Kelsey Chavarria) will be parading across the stage as the party rages on.

Uh Huh Her Concert
Zoso Hotel Grand Ballroom, 8pm
Uh Huh Her is putting on a full concert. Uh Huh Her is putting on a full concert. UH HUH HER IS PUTTING ON A FULL CONCERT.

The Dinah Official Closing Party
Zoso Hotel, 9pm
Katy Tiz who doesn’t appear to be that famous will be performing her song “Famous” during the closing party along with other ones she recorded in a studio somewhere. But Dinah is calling her the next “It Girl” and they said the same thing about Lady Gaga so maybe you should be excited about this.

Real L Word Episode 306 Recap: Lost In A Bush (That’s What She Said!)

Hello and welcome to the sixth recap of the third season of Showtime’s hit series, The Real L Word, a 30-minute sitcom about a spunky young girl with pigtails, day-glo leggings and multi-colored outfit situations who is abandoned in a Chicago shopping center by her mother and subsequently adopted by Henry, the kindly manager of the building she’d found to squat in. Eventually she opens a hoppin’ burger establishment at the local mall and throughout the series deals with tough pre-teenage and teenage issues such as buying your first bra, being a tomboy, bullies, getting trapped in an old refrigerator, dodging Child Protective Services and fighting swamp monsters.

I don’t know about y’all, but I’m ready to rock this recap! Not really, I’d really rather discuss how the fuck True Blood is gonna wrap up their crazy-ass season in next week’s finale, right? Jesus. Also we interviewed Lauren and Amanda, a.k.a. “Lamanda.”

Anyhow, this week The Real L Word treated us to yet another Dinah Shore-centric hour of sapphic solipsism, in which someone curled up and took a nap on wet asphalt, someone twisted her ankle stepping off a curb, someone passed out on the bathroom floor for three hours mid-day and someone met Miley Cyrus at The Coffee Bean. Hey, who wants to see a sexy picture of Vero?

Sorry about the lateness of this recap, Intern Grace had a special weekend which led to me not getting all the screencaps ’til this morning (Monday), and also because of the cram she didn’t have time to give them all cute names. We apologize and have nothing but love for you and each other forever and ever as so it was written, amen.

We open in the sweltering wildlands of Palm Springs, California, where an enormous group of intoxicated lesbians are enjoying each other’s nipples while rocking softly to the beat of insufferable pop music. Also, Kacy and Cori are re-entering the world they’ve shunned for many moons in the most violent way possible.

DINAH!

Kacy notes that Dinah appears to be “like a club” but “during the day.”

Kacy: “It was a little bit like walking into an alternate universe.”
Cori: “Where men did not exist, and neither did clothes. I felt out of place with my clothes on.”

Tell it like it is, Nikki Weiss:

The two well-insulated ladies make their way through the hordes of women not dressed for winter and are stopped by Real L Word fans who wanna take pictures with The Celesbians Kacy and Cori. Oh wait — is everybody here clear on the definition of “Celesbian”? Let me refresh your memory:

Get it? Okay, good. So, as I was saying, Cori & Kacy are spotted by fans amid the throngs of gyrating g-strings and roped into a Kodak Moment.

And thus KayCor are forced to grapple with the inevitable questions:

Fan #1: “I’m planning on getting pregnant myself.”
Cori: “Really?”
Fan #1: “But like, when we saw that episode with you guys doing like, that thing, like did it work?”
[awkward pause]
Cori: “Uh, it did work. I lost her at five months.”
Fan #1: “Oh G-d, that’s the worst feeling in the world, I can’t imagine.”
Fan #2: “But keep trying.”

Womp womp.

Back in Le Chateau De Lamanda & Whitney & Sarahara, Sara and Lauren are sticking colored pencils into their eyeballs while Amanda informs Lauren that she heard from a girl who heard from another girl who heard from Hunter Valentine that Kiyomi lives with her girlfriend. But Lauren heard from Kiyomi herself that the “thing” with Ali is “sorta done.”

Amanda: “But every girl says that.”
Lauren: “Duh! It’s not like I’m like ‘Oh! I believe you!’“

Amanda won’t let it go and Lauren reassures her that she’ll get this whole fascinating mess cleared up, and Whitney says that as Lauren’s friend she’ll support whatever decision she makes. That’s easy for Whitney to say ’cause unlike Amanda, she hasn’t ever found her arm halfway up Lauren’s vaginal canal… yet.

Everybody laughs and explodes and turns into ghost ninjas.

Meanwhile, Kacy and Cori are still perched precariously on the lips of the mouth of hell, wondering what the hell they’re doing at Dinah Shore.

Kacy: “It’s not that I’m not happy to be here but it’s just like, I would rather be at the hospital, exhausted, knowing that in a month we were gonna have a baby.”
Cori: “I feel it too, it’s hard. We’re not where we’re supposed to be.”
Kacy: “We can get there.”
Cori: “Dinah!”
Kacy: “I wonder if anybody else is having the same conversation that we’re having right now.”
Cori: “I think we’re the biggest Debs here.”

At this point, the couple makes the only decision one can really make under such circumstances:

Kacy: “We’re gonna drink through it.”

Kacy takes one sip of what’s likely a $9 cup of fruit punch and basement-shelf tequila, declares it horrible and then declares herself drunk. Let’s rock!

We then return to the Main Pool Area, where Somer and Donna are smooching, Laura’s carrying Vero around like a baby kangaroo, Sara’s kissing Amanda, and Somer is doing her very best to adapt to her surroundings.

I believe Dinah is especially challenging for New Yorkers, who would never, not ever, not in a million trillion bazillion years, intentionally attend an event of this nature on their home soil.

Based on the six years I lived in New York City, I’d say that many New York lesbians tend to be the type that haven’t bothered buying a swimsuit in five years and only dig out the two-piece when somebody forgets how long it took to get to Coney Island last summer and ropes everyone in to a repeat excursion.

Somer: “Dinah, it’s not normally you know, my bag of tea or whatever — cup of tea? I don’t drink tea.”

But Somer’s happy to be there ’cause of the Hunter Valentine gig. Laura asserts that Hunter Valentine plans on rocking everybody’s bras off, which sounds neat.

Back on The Other Part of The Dinah Pool Party Area, Romi & Kelsey show up and are greeted with open arms by KayCor, who ask how the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game went and Romi explains how, once again, the universe’s axis lay between Romi’s legs and the entire world just revolved around her, being mean, like witches sticking carrots in people’s faces.

Romi: “Lauren signed up to go on a date with [Kelsey].”
[pauses, dramatically]
Romi: “They set us up. I’m like, can you guys get away? Why are you always there? and I just stood there watching the girl that I hate sign up to go on a date with my girlfriend…. it’s just — the nicest way to put it is that they’re very bully-ish.”
Kelsey: “They’re just bullies guys, it’s really sad.”

Romi interviews that she’s so glad Kacy & Cori are at Dinah, ’cause it’s nice to be around a “nice couple.” The implication is that Romi is nice and mature, and all the other girls are bitchy and immature, which is a valid point (about the bitchiness and the immaturity), but also who gives a fuck.

Meanwhile, said bitchy girls are exploring the swelling sexual tension inherent in every group of mojito-scented Dos-Equis-chugging hot lesbians in bikinis!

Lauren: “I don’t know why I’m sucking on Sara’s earlobes but Dinah fever is in me.”

Sara comes in her pants and Whitney’s pumped for “a big orgy later tonight.” The theme will be “The Story of O.”

Whitney: “I’m kinda turned on by the thought of you [Sara] getting it into Amanda, not gonna lie.”

Cori is wasted and stuffs her head into Kacy’s bosom and all is sunshine and beauty.

Cut to a number of hours earlier and later wherein it’s time for Hunter Valentine’s performance! Romi spies the band preparing to perform and is disturbed by their presence.

Romi interviews that she doesn’t know who Hunter Valentine is. I hope they know who Romi is, ’cause she hates it when people don’t know who she is.

Romi: “…based on the fact that they are friends with Lauren and Whitney and Sara, G-d knows what they said about me, so I’m not gonna walk in and watch somebody perform that’s just gonna think I’m like, this bitch.”

One of the many hazards of Being The Center Of the Universe is that at rock concerts, all the musicians are really thinking about is you, because duh, everybody is thinking about you. Like you wish you could just enjoy a performance but the performers are like, obsessed with you. You know? That’s what it’s like to be Romi, the Atlas Of the Modern World.

Romi dramatically yanks Kelsey through the crowd like she’s Justin Bieber and zips into her room, anxious to the max. “Let’s just order,” she says. Music to my ears!

Oh, these are ladies after my own heart, really. I love hotels and 95% of the time would rather be drinking/laughing/smoking with my friends in a hotel room, rolling around on sheets we’re not responsible for laundering, than be outside in the sticky-sweaty sunshine with People Who Enjoy Socializing.

While Romi and Kelsey debate which incidentals they’d like to consume, Hunter Valentine gets ready to rock in the sweltering sunlight of the Dinah mainstage.

The Drunk Lesbians enjoy the show but perhaps nobody’s enjoying the show quite like Lauren’s enjoying the show:

Lauren: “When I first met Kiyomi I thought she was attractive but then they go on stage and they play, she was so hot, and then hearing her voice, it was like, wow.”

Truth: there is nothing sexier than watching your loved one play a musical instrument, which is one of many reasons why all my girlfriends have been excellent instrument-players (the primary reason is “coincidence”). Look, even Amanda likes it:

Or maybe not.

Turns out that seeing Kiyomi rock out with her cock out gets Lauren hard like Swiss Chard:

Whitney: “I could practically see Lauren’s full-on erection for Kiyomi just waving in the wind by the end of the performance she like, blew her load on herself.”

As you’re already aware, Kelsey & Romi have retired to their hotel room, sneakily foiling the CIA-implanted chip in Romi’s left thigh that enables them to follow her with spider trackers.

So, Cori’s trashed. Which is actually a huge relief because she seems happy, at last. All of them do, all four of them.

Kacy: “When Cori gets tipsy, she has an alter ego and uh, Romi gets introduced to partial Coco. Coco At dusk. Kelsey got bent over, Coco style. It’s happened to all of us. She doesn’t really know you unless she’s bent you over and slapped your ass.”

Indeed: Coco Lite, beautifully wasted, thrusts Kelsey into a prone, stomach-to-the-mat position in which Coco Lite can properly smack Kelsey’s ass like she’s ready for some Canyon Yodeling, if you know what I mean.

Romi: “She’s making you a bottom, baby.”

For your reference, this is Coco Full-On:

Then Kacy interviews that “you looked light, for the first time in a long time you just looked light,” and Cori says that she felt light. She felt light!

I think that’s the thing about Dinah — it’s so grotesque and over-the top, and its attendees are so uproariously irresponsible that anything, any kind of behavior at all, is automatically deemed sensible because there’s no way what you’re doing is less acceptable than what anyone else is doing, anywhere. It’s a giant rollocking excuse to just let go of absolutely everything. You can’t feel guilty for kissing a girl you just met or getting super-drunk when two strangers with tequila fumes radiating from their pores are making out on-stage without shirts on while others wrestle topless in a kiddie pool drowning in vegetable oil.

You just let go, and then you feel light. Cori deserves to feel light. So does Kacy. Sookie should give them some light:

Real L Word 305 Recap: I Wasn’t Expecting This To Be So Bitchy

Hello and welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour family sitcom about a teenage witch who, on her 16th birthday, learns that she has magical powers. Along with her 500-year-old European witch-aunts and her sardonic talking cat, Salem, Sabrina works to master the ancient arts of witchery while keeping her identity a secret and tackling teenage issues like learning how to drive, picking a college, earning your witch’s license and opening a jar of spaghetti sauce.

This week on The Real L Word, we all journeyed to the world famous Dinah Shore Weekend in Palm Springs, California, which’s basically a Star Trek Convention but with lesbians.

Sometimes after writing a recap, I’m like, “this shit is fucking hilarious,” but throughout the entire process of writing this recap, I’ve felt like this shit is not remotely funny, I hope next week is more inspiring. I’m sorry I hope you still LOL at least once.  Here’s the thing: nothing’s happening, so everybody’s plotline is just people talking shit about other people. When I read over what I’ve written, I feel like I sound just as petty and bitchy as the show itself. It’s fun to make fun of people acting crazy or weird, but it’s difficult to make fun of people acting bitchy. Does that make sense? THIS IS HARD.

Oh also, to all the people who keep asking why I recap something if I hate it, the answer is that it makes people laugh and feel happy, and I feel like the natural human instinct when you’re told something you do makes people happy, is to do it. Right? If you’re able to. I think that’s what we’re all here to do. Also, it’s the traffic, stupid! It can be a pure motive. We do some things so that we can do some other things. Seriously I’ve recapped four seasons of The L Word, two seasons of Glee and three seasons of The Real L Word and one episode of Two and a Half Men — if I had a dollar for every time somebody asked me why I recap a show I hate, I could gather enough dollars to smash together a big dollar ball of dollars, and throw it at your head! I’ve also recapped good shows, like Pretty Little Liars and Skins, that’s a whole different ballgame. Anyhow enough about me, there are all of these slightly more interesting people ready to tell you Their Stories!

Also we made a video, it’s a Whitney Mixter Self-Inquiry Supercut, and it’s kinda amazing.

We open in Silly Los Angeles, California, where Lauren is sitting at the table with a camera crew when Amanda, who has recently dipped her head into a vat of cake batter and then fallen asleep in a walk-in refrigerator, shows up at the thwarted homezone to break some unexpected news to Lauren — she’s getting back together with her ex-girlfriend and possibly re-re-locating to New York City.

Lauren: “I would hope that like, if you’re gonna move back, that you would give me like, advance notice so I can find another roommate and stuff.”
Amanda: [in an “oh, jeez” voice] “Woof…”

Lauren: “What?”
Amanda: “I don’t know, that’s just like so extreme.”

You think that’s extreme, just wait ’til she dares to request that Amanda clean her room before moving out!

Lauren presses for more details, Amanda responds with abstractions and Jesus Christ on a Cracker I always feel like we’re missing a big piece of the Lamanda story! Anyhow, Lauren wants to know when Amanda would potentially move out. Amanda’s not sure:

Amanda interviews that she’s disappointed that Lauren isn’t throwing a Relationship Reunion Pretty Party for her and her ex-girlfriend.

Amanda: “It’s like she’s jealous or something.”

Lauren notes that Amanda lies a lot, and then Amanda’s hair catches on fire and the whole entire house burns down. Just kidding! I was confusing this show with a house fire.

Back in Lovely Long Beach, California, Kelsey and Romi are fudgepacking their clamsacks in preparation for their very first Dinah Shore together as a couple!

It’ll also be their first sober Dinah, a fate I wouldn’t wish upon Maggie Gallagher, as I personally failed to find a way to tolerate Dinah without ingesting at least three drugs and two drinks every 45 minutes. That was our first trip to Dinah. On our second trip to Dinah, I didn’t do drugs or have two drinks every 45 minutes, but shit got real.

Romi: “Dinah Shore is the weekend that all the lesbians from all over the world fly in to party and it does feel a little bit like high school spring break…. it’s really just a place for people to get wasted and fuck each other. Like people break up with their girlfriends just to go to Dinah and fuck other people, and then get back from Dinah Shore and get back with their girlfriend.”

Romi The Sober Grownup explains that she’s attending Dinah Shore for work, because she is Famous and Important:

Romi: “I was invited to host and attend events as a celesbian. A celesbian is a lesbian that’s a celebrity, and they’re very rare. There’s not a whole lot of us. So, I have work to do.”

She’s right, celesbians are very exotic and rare, like Leatherback Sea Turtles and Chinese Alligators.

Romi suggests they try this weekeend to “have fun and like, stay out of as much drama as possible,” ’cause Romi has this routine where every time she goes anywhere, ever, she must first announce her intention to avoid drama and relay her conviction that such avoidance is indeed possible.

Furthermore:

Romi: “We’re sticking together all weekend if you leave me out there alone for the wolves to get me I will fucking murder you.”

Yikes.

Romi interviews that she prays her rascally alkie ex-besties can avoid over-imbibing at Margaritaville and subsequently attacking Romi, ’cause it’s challenging to avoid drive-by attacks when the entire world revolves around you, you know? It’s like you’re everywhere!

Kelsey: “I’m trying to be respectful of Romi and I want to make her happy and if she doesn’t want me around certain people, then I’m not gonna be around certain people. Romi is usually right about certain people, so.”

Whatever you think about these two, Kelsey thinks Romi is the bee’s knees, that much is clear, and it’s kinda adorable.

Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metro area, Kacy and Cori are meeting up with the newly engayged Whitney & Sarahara to discuss Dinah Shore Weekend, which Kacy and Cori are unfortunately planning to attend, escaping their Emily Dickinson lifestyle for something more up Emily Fitch’s alley.

Whitney and Sarahara (who is operating a secret refugee ladder for oppressed termites via the extension cords dangling from each of her tender ears) say they hope KayCor are planning to attend the demented pool party from hell, especially the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game they’ll be hosting.

Whitney: “People are competing to win dates with [Romi and Kelsey.] I don’t know why…”
Sara: [FACE]

Kori: “Are you not talking to Romi anymore?”
Whitney: “No, we have abandoned negative people in our lives, Romi is one of them. She has done shady things —”
Sara: “Even last time and what happened was, we were supposed to be friends at that time and me and Whitney had gotten in a fight but she knew how much I loved Whitney even if we weren’t like perfect, you know? And she made out with her at the pool and then looked at me like — if she could toss me off a cliff and nobody would know about it, she would.”

Although I’d assumed Kacy and Cori’s facial expressions reflected their immersion in this abyss of bratty boredom, it turns out their tentative exhaustion/disapproval is actually a reflection of their affection for Romi Klinger.

Cori: “It’s hard to hear because I love Romi so much. She’s become an actual friend through all of this and she’s constantly checking in with us to see how we’re doing and she’s a great person and to hear anyone talk poorly of anyone I really care about is hard, and I really want to stay neutral — and just they have their own stuff —  but it’s hard because I want to defend her and be like, you’re wrong.”

Kacy and Cori don’t wanna be in the middle of all this, so you know. SCENE.

Back in the deepest depths of depravity vis a vis Brooklyn, Kiyomi and Ali are — surprise — fighting!

Apparently Ali did the horizontal mambo with another lady whilst Kiyomi was playing sweet music for the little children of Texas and Ali lied to Kiyomi about where she met said lady, which’s what Kiyomi is latching onto to have an excuse to be pissed at Ali ’cause Kiyomi is “always honest” which’s really, really, really really not true at all, but whatever, I hate both of these people and hope they claw each other’s eyes out and then move to Newark.

Kiyomi: “I don’t care if you fucking fisted a cat, just tell me the truth, and then I don’t care, do you understand? That’s all I care about.”
Ali: “You’re being so aggressive right now because you’re gonna leave again and you wanna be able to do what you want.”

Ali fights with Kiyomi about how they fight too much, and Kiyomi interviews that her inability to commit is due to a recent breakup with a girlfriend-of-two-years who she was totes in love with and was about to move in with who moved to San Francisco for a new job while Kiyomi was on tour without telling Kiyomi.

Kiyomi: “I don’t wanna do that again, I don’t wanna give myself to someone completely to have them just rip me apart and destroy me.”

They yell at each other’s faces for a bit and Kiyomi finishes packing her stuff and it seems like maybe this thing is over. This terrible not-relationship thing. Kiyomi leaves her keys on Ali’s laptop and heads out.

Cut to the next morning in Brooklyn, where Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport before their flight leaves in an hour. In other words, Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport despite the fact that they are definitely gonna miss their flight.

Donna: “We’ve gotta rush. There’s still a chance.”

Mhm, that’s what I used to tell myself on the subway at 5:55 when I’d just passed Lorimer and had to be in Midtown by 6. “I’m not late… YET.”

Back in Shifty Los Angeles, California, Whitney and Sara are also packing!

For Sara, “packing” involves scampering around in a thong and see-through bra while Whitney interviews about hanging up her Dinah hoe hat. Look out for that shit on ebay!

Hunter Valentine arrives at the Luxurious Los Angeles International Airport — but Somer is nowhere to be found! This’d be a HUGE deal if they had a show tonight or if the bandleader was an obnoxious asshole and unfortunately the latter is in fact the case. Kiyomi interviews that she’s disappointed that they’ve been “given such a great opportunity” but “can’t be professional about it” which’d make sense if the “opportunity” was “getting a ride to Dinah right now” instead of what it actually is, which’s “playing a show tomorrow afternoon, at which Somer will absolutely be present.” So like none of this even makes sense! They should hire a monkey for the cast. Just to scamper around. Or maybe a talking horse?

Laura: “I think we should just leave.”
Kiyomi: “And not wait for Somer?”
Laura: “Nope.”
Vero: “We’re just gonna leave her?”
Kiyomi: “Yup. I’m outta here.”

Kiyomi’s one of those people who looks for reasons to get upset. Like she’s already upset, all the time, so she just wanders the universe with her orb of anger, looking for excuses to share it with the world.

Kiyomi: “I just think it’s one more thing on the scorecard for Somer.”
Vero: “You know what guys, could we not make it a big issue, I swear. ‘Cause I cannot make it a big issue, like the whole keyboard thing on tour.”

Vero interviews:

Vero: “I feel bad that Donna and Somer are not gonna get a ride to Dinah Shore with us, but it’s Kiyomi’s band and she calls the shots.”

I wanna be in Vero’s band where Vero calls the shots! It could be called Hey Vero.

Brittani Does Dinah Shore 2012, Remembers Some Of It

Once upon a time in the land of yore (not really), thousands of queer women and aspiring lesbians descended upon the Riviera Hotel with exorbitant amounts of alcohol, questionable intentions, and suspended morals. As you may or may not have heard, one Contributing Editor (me) took a little trip to a situation called Dinah Shore Weekend. Some people like to say “The Dinah” but I think that sounds weird like when old people put ‘the’ in front of things it shouldn’t be in front of. Other Autostraddle affiliates present for the festivities included the entire Unicorn Plan-It Team, Jess S., Sara Medd, and a whole slew of calendar girls. All my dreams.

Equipped with my favorite t-shirts and most-pocket-having board shorts, I hit the road with very little sleep and a whole lot of anxiety. The night before felt like lesbian Christmas Eve and I was afraid that Dinah Shore would be a lump of coal. Mere weeks before as “I am a poor boi too, pa rum pum pum pum” echoed through my head, I’d been convinced to engage in a slightly stripped down version of Dinah Shore.

Friday, after a breakfast of champions (See: McDonald’s), I hit the road with mah friendos, Alice and Chloe. After jamming out and voicing several fears in which the worst case scenario is not actually that bad, we arrived in Palm Springs. We grabbed our wristbands and made our way back to the car to make use of all the free Red Bull we’d snatched up. You know what else they were giving out like hotcakes? ob tampons! Because ob is investing in the lesbian community, y’all.

After getting car drunk, we headed over to the Riviera to greet the crew.

Brittani: This hotel is so confusing. It’s like The Shining.
Other person: It’s the lesbian Shining.

By 1:21 pm, I’d broken the pair of sunglasses I brought with me to Dinah so we were off to a fantastic start. Luckily, sunglasses too were one of the things available in massive proportions so it didn’t take that long before I’d restocked my eyes with protection. Sunglasses and sunblock were the only forms of protection being used at Dinah I think.

Alice: A, B, and C. Who do we know that’s name starts with D?
Brittani: Dinnnahhhhh.
Chloe: Who’s Donna?

Obviously it was time to head to the pool. I was really nervous about a few things before actually seeing what the party was like. I thought I’d for sure get knocked into the pool with all of my worldly possessions including things that weren’t even at the pool like my laptop and social security card. I imagined the inescapable scenario wherein I’d lose everyone I knew in a lazy river of gay and never find them again, resulting in me being abandoned in the desert with no water and no boobs. I feared that everyone would be making out except for me and I’d end up in my room taking an angry nap. None of these things happened. Hooray!

Turns out, I had nothing to worry about as everywhere I turned, there were people I knew or people I really wouldn’t mind getting to know. In short, it was a manageable situation and though there is a fair amount of the “club squeeze,” everything was just fine.

After surviving my first pool party, it was time to have my first BMOS (brief moment of sobriety), rally the troops, and head to the LIVE Magazine mixer at Mango. There were gay men interested in my hobbies and free food so I don’t know what else you could ask for.

After the mixer, it was back to The Riviera where everyone was getting ready for the White Party. I wasn’t going because in a rare moment of fiscal responsibility and adult decision making skills, I’d bought the Pool Party Pass instead of any of the passes that let you into the night parties. This wasn’t going to stop me from having a good time though. While everyone else was jamming out in their unfortunately colored attire, I was bopping around different groups and taking meetings on lawn chairs like the champion I am.

Time went on as it tends to do, events transpired, after parties were had, I went to sleep at 4. Day One of Dinah was over. The last thing I did was sit in a bathroom alone for 20 minutes to process and have some me time. Necessary.

I was really excited about waking up for continental breakfast on Saturday since food is optional and alcohol is mandatory in this alternate reality. I had breakfast plans with some friends that were also staying in our jank temporary abode (the hotel was actually fine. If you’re doing Dinah on a budget, I recommend it though there is a Ronald Reagan calendar which is scary.) Turns out continental breakfast at this place means “muffins” so that was a really fun surprise. After recounting the interesting turns the night had taken, we retreated to our rooms to get ready for another day of debauchery. Please note I drank coffee at breakfast. I never drink coffee. Shit got real. And then it was time for another pool party.

Apparently there was some stage situation that I was previously unaware of until it was time for Battle of the Lesbian Webseries. Since I’m the most supportive person on earth, I was front and center to support Unicorn Plan-It. It had nothing to do with Nicole Pacent dancing around in a swimsuit.

Despite being the clear crowd favorite, the unicorns didn’t take home the title. Micaela Ramey of Lovers and Friends did a stage dive and you really can’t beat anyone that dives into a sea of lesbians with reckless abandon. I mean that’s just like the rules of feminism.

Once again the pool party ended and people begin to transition into the portion of the night where those without death wishes eat food and everyone starts getting ready for the night party. Sometime during this phase, I took my sunglasses off to pull a girl over a balcony railing. Losing my sunglasses saddened me almost as much as the fact that I had to pull a girl over a balcony railing. A wonderful femme friend of mine had even traded her blue pair of sunglasses for my pink ones. Now they were gone and all I had to comfort me was another BMOS which actually turned into a whole night of sobriety but onward and awkward as I always say.

Saturday’s big party was The Dinah Goes to Rio which I don’t really understand as a theme but whatever. As previously mentioned, I didn’t have a wristband but I pretended I was walking briskly in a pilot’s uniform and had no problems getting in. It was really cool when Neon Hitch performed but no one cared and I danced anyway. This party was pretty fun despite the fact that there were 3 or 4 songs that were played 3 or 4 times which is entirely unacceptable in my book and induced brain tears/made me want to cry dance.

Post “this party” I had an emergency thirst situation that needed handling. “Hydrate or die” is something I say often so I headed to the 7/11 where I proceeded to gulp down half of my beverage before I even paid for it. I know how much you all worry about my safety but I was just fine and went back to the hotel to party on until 5. Then I walked home, tried not to trip over the people sleeping on the floor, and slept in…and by slept in I mean until 9am.

After a hearty breakfast of muffins, it was time to check out and head to the last pool party. Since everyone was of course a struggle bus, checking out took some longer than others. With more time in the room waiting and lots of alcohol remaining, this was a turning point in my Dinah experience. A time I wish I recalled in detail but alas, I do not. I do remember uttering re: my actions, “I forgot this was real life.” I’ll be fine if no one ever tells my future children that Dinah exists.

The good news is, there was a stray pair of untouched sunglasses found while packing! They were pink but still, I was pleased. Hours into the pool party, I somehow had acquired another pair of sunglasses. Minutes after that, one pair was missing and had been replaced by a free vibrator from Good Vibrations. Sunday was full of surprises but you will be glad to know, I did make it home with a pair and I believe this illustrates my point which is that Dinah Shore is like being in a zero-sum game with yourself. I had a blasty blast. I would love to hear about your Dinah in the comments.

Dinah Shore Weekend 2012: What You Should Do There

Hey-o! Who’s going to Dinah Shore this weekend? Unfortunately for you and really the entire universe, Autostraddle will not be making its annual massive team pilgrimage to Palm Springs this year because I still owe the Palm Springs emergency room about nine thousand dollars from last year’s near-death experience and will never set foot in that town again. Just kidding! I mean, that’s true about the ER bill, but that’s not why the whole team isn’t going to Dinah Shore.

Regardless, there’s still plenty of opportunities to bask in the soothing glow of Autostraddle.com in Palm Springs. For example, the entire cast of Autostraddle’s smash hit webseries, Unicorn Plan-It, will be there, and several other Autostraddlers will be in attendance — keep an eye out for Contributing Editor Brittani, Jess S. and our stylist Sara Medd.

Here’s what we’d do if we were gonna be there!

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Dinah Shore Weekend // March 28 – April 1, 2012

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Friday, March 30th:

 

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Live Magazine Mixer

5pm – 7pm, Mango Restaurant, 2080 North Palm Canyon Drive

Celebrate the glory of Haviland Stillwell at Mango, where LIVE Magazine, your go-to source for Palm Springs lifestyle/entertainment news and photographs of Haviland Stillwell lying on a golf course, is hosting a “mixer.” There’s no cover and no tickets, just a chill get-together at a fun restaurant where Haviland will be meeting people and signing albums. She’ll probably sign your body parts, too.

This isn’t a Club Skirts Dinah Shore event, but it’s very very special.

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HRC Celesbian Meet-and-Greet Party

6:30 PM, Rivera Sidebar Lounge, 1600 Indian Canyon Way

Haviland, Ashley and Sarah will then mosey over to the Celesbian Meet-and-Greet party hosted by the Human Rights Campaign, your go-to source for Civil Rights! It’s free to attend but they really want you to RSVP.

You’ll also have a chance to meet Tucky Williams (Girl/Girl Scene), Dalia Ali Rajah (Cherry Bomb), Nicole Pacent (Miss June 2011, Anyone But Me), Sandra Valls (comedian), Gloria Bigelow (comedian), Romi Klinger (The Real L Word), Rose Garcia (The Real L Word), Suzanne Westenhoefer (comedian), Fortune Feimster (comedian) and the one and only model/VJ/etc, Kim Stolz, who made me gay.

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The Dinah White Party

8pm, Rivera Resort, 1600 Indian Canyon Way

Haviland, Ashley and Sarah will be walking the Red Carpet at the infamous white party (to which I have always worn black). There will be live performances by Nina Sky and Wynter Gordon, who seem like very nice girls.

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Saturday, March 31st:

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The Cabana Pool Party

9am-5pm, Rivera Resort, 1600 Indian Canyon Way

AfterEllen.com, your go-to source for lesbian subtext in popular television programs and all the  lesbian pop culture things, is hosting an all-day Cabana Pool Party of epic proportions at the Riviera! This will include celebrity dodgeball and visits from the renowned stars of the Nobel Prize-winning television spectacular, The Real L Word!

You may recall the Riviera swimming pool as where our Tech Editor Taylor swam after drinking a gallon of margarita from an unmarked container she’d been gifted by a complete stranger, or from when Sara and Whitney confessed love-type-feelings for each other there during the finale of The Real L Word‘s illustrious Season One.

 

The Battle of The Lesbian Webseries

5pm, Rivera Resort, 1600 Indian Canyon Way

This particular event is near/dear to our tenderhearts, as we were involved in the formation of this epic situation in 2010. In its third year, this sucker is going strong, and will be hosted by One More Lesbian, your go-to source for videos about women who kiss other women.

Obviously Unicorn Plan-It will be competing this year, and will probably win. BUT NOT WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT.

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The Dinah Goes to Rio

8pm, Palm Springs Convention Center

Bacardi, your go-to source for getting smashed, is hosting The Dinah Goes to Rio! This star-studded evening is the largest party of the weekend, with a live performance by Chaka Khan and somebody called “Neon Hitch”!

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Sunday, April 1st

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Wet & Wild Pool Party

9am-5pm Rivera Resort 1600 Indian Way

Hosted by SheWired.com, your go-to source for breaking lezbo news, the Wet & Wild party promises to be extra wet and wild with a performance by Dev, who looks very pretty in photographs.

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The Dinah Official Closing Party

9pm, Zeldaz Night Club, 611 S. Palm Canyon Drive

Hosted by GO! Magazine, our dearest friends and your go-to source for the nightlife listings, news, “women we love” and “pictures of what you did last night.” This party will involve the best DJs, the Hottest Women, and CeCe Penniston!

 

Playlist: Dinah!

Guys, I am road tripping to Dinah Shore for the first time ever this year. At this point, I am a walking/talking ball of apprehension and curiosity with a surprisingly stylish alternative lifestyle haircut. This playlist is how I imagine /fear the weekend will unfold!

Dinah!

Ride Wit Me – Nelly
Bad Girls – M.I.A.
Pretty Girls – Wale
Hey Ladies – Beastie Boys
Cheap Sunglasses – ZZ Top
Party and Bullshit (Ratatat remix) – Notorious B.I.G.
Just Dance – Lady Gaga
Holidae In – Chingy
Blame It – Jamie Foxx
Drunk and Hot Girls – Kanye West
Pass Out – Tinie Tempah
White Nights – Oh Land
The Sun – The Naked and Famous
What Happened – Sublime
I’m Going Back Home – Nina Simone

STREAM THE PLAYLIST HERE

Any song suggestions to help me survive my first Dinah? What songs do you associate with Dinah?

Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit Crystal up on Formspring and someone on the team might make it for you.

Dinah Liveblog Day III: Fear and Self-Loathing in Palm Springs

Hellooooo friends, and welcome to Dinah Shore 2011! Your intrepid Autostraddle editors will be scampering about Palm Springs like the cute little Chuck-Taylor-wearing sunburnt drunk internet kittens we are, and we have left an equally intrepid and adorable team of interns to communicate all of our adventures to you in the meantime. We’ll be hitting all the events, shows and parties of Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend 2011, and we want you to be there with us in spirit! Here’s a map of Dinah AutoHQ, courtesy of Design Director Alex Vega:

 

And check out our schedule of all the Dinah action happening this weekend! We’ll be at Girl Bar events Thursday through Sunday, and you might think you’re ready but you’re not ready. But we’re doing this anyway! Here we go!

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Saturday April 2, 2011

11:34 am: Everyone is awake with coffee and toast. This is surprising, because here is what the Girl Bar cocktail party yesterday looked like:And here is what Rachel wrote around midnight: At the girl bar cocktail party,  which is sponsored by ketel one THANK GOD

Alex, via email: My best purchase yet here in Palm Springs. Look, it is an awesome mug!I am not sure if it’s a tiny mug or if Alex just has big hands, speculate in the comments, please.

12:00 pm: Rachel via email: Someday every day will start like this, we will all wake up together and then a man with a weird haircut will bring us breakfast in bed while we write the website

12:09 pm: Laneia via twitter:+

12:55 pm:

Rachel via email:

Vega has gone off somewhere to pursue a career in being tanner and prettier than anyone else, and the rest of us are working on recovering from an exciting and exhausting series of adventures last night. This is what the bathroom looks like after four gay girls and two days.

 

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1:07 pm:

Rachel via email: Team meeting!

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1:32 PM:

Hello Autostraddle, this is Riese! I will be live-blogging for you for the next several hours for reasons which I will disclose after I take a shower. BRB

2:42 PM:

Hi! This is Riese again! I’m such a bad liveblogger! Julie & Brandy & Haviland & Jess R just came by. Hang on I have photos one sec!

2:43 PM:

Wow, we’ve got some serious Ansel Adams shit going on here. It’s almost like you’re RIGHT THERE in the middle of the ACTION.

As you can see from the picture, that girl is wearing some kind of Pocahantas-Meets-PacSun situation, or maybe is a mermaid of some kind. Also, Tracy is pulling off white pants and Stamie has a significant rack.

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Here we have some girl probably named Britney, obviously her trip has been sponsored by Mandees. Or is that the same girl? Whatever. I want a butch fashion show.

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Look, a pool!

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Rachel is fighting the patriarchy — never stop fighting ladies, the war isn’t over! TAKE BACK THE NIGHT AND ALSO THE DAY!

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Anyhoo, Rachel has instead shared this photo. Are you familiar with flagging? Apparently it’s a complicated coding system where you put a bananda in your ass to let people know what kind of situation you want in your vagina. Like if you’re single but looking, or if you’re poly, or if you want to do it up the butt, or if you want to do it in a tree, or you want to do it with bois and boys also. I don’t know what Brown means. Maybe it’s related to Scooby Doo:

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Hi. Back to the bikini contest. I don’t know who won, but these girls are all wearing these headbands around the tops of their headpieces and I feel like it’s some kind of Alien thing. What do they win? A wet t-shirt?

CHECK OUT PAR-LEZ HILTON UP IN HERE:

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Alex says: “This is weird but also attractive but also, this is Dinah Shore.”

The real contest here is who’s the better cameraphone photographer — Rachel, Alex, or Sarah?

Stamie: Are you having fun?
Model: Yeah this is awesome!
Stamie: Why are you so committed to this profession?
Model: Cause modelling is amazing! And bikini week is awesome.
Stamie: Awesome.

Alex says that this is the Bikini Week Mascot:

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3:00 pm: Alex via email: “The Truck Stop Girls (“Girlz” but I refuse to spell it that way) came by and did a dance for us”:

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4:06 PM

Rachel: “We just met an older Jewish dyke wearing a yarmulke and a rainbow button down in the elevator, I want her to adopt me.”

Also I’ve been sent this photograph of Alex, it’s called “Alex Vega is a Boy Scout”:

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4:15 PM

What Happened Last Night

by Riese

Hello Autostraddle, this is me, Riese. Let me start out by telling you two things that are important to my overall sense of self-worth:

1. I handle and am in control of my shit.
2. I know what happened.

By “2” I mean that I’ve been keeping records of what happened (letters, diaries, writing) since I was two, which’s when my Mom started writing my first diary (I dictated to her, she wrote). A few years back I actually LIKED ambien for that reason — I wanted to be free of the burden of remembering everything. I wanted to not see so much all the time. I’m over that now. Haven’t even had an ambien in six months. So I’ve just gone gamely forward with my well-recorded existence.

So to say that I’m probably not the best narrator for “What Happened Last Night” feels like I’m eroding from the inside!

Last night, I’d had 1.5 drinks (later, at the hospital, they tested my blood alcohol level and it was .08, which is totally fine) and a teeny tiny bit of a ‘smoke’ and we’d just eaten dinner and we were going to the VIP Cocktail Party thing and when I got there I wanted water so I got water and not a drink. Then we walked outside and Julie and Brandy were there and Julie was wearing a white hat like Eminem. I was wearing my YOU GOT THE STYLE EILEEN MYLES t-shirt and everyone started talking and I started feeling weird so I was thinking in my head I had to go lie down maybe and was thinking of how I could get out of there without anyone doubting aforementioned item “#1.”

Then I couldn’t see Laneia and Sarah anymore because they were covered in black splotches and I couldn’t see anything, because everything was black. So I decided to make my exit except I guess that I didn’t, because my next memory is being somewhere else, like being carried. Someone told me later that I’d just passed out but Julie caught me before I hit the ground because she’s butch/changes the tires, etc. Then a lot of voices, a lot. Then the paramedics. Then hearing my blood pressure and thinking ‘what the fuck’ , it was like 45 over 65 (nobody can remember, Laneia remembers 72 over 48, earlier I thought one of the numbers was 54 for sure) I felt like I was in a teevee show about a person with a blood pressure of 45 over 65 (or 72 over 48) going to Seattle Grace. Then the ambulance where the bed was hard and then the hospital where the bed was soft. I hear I changed color (blue), which is ironic considering this whole incident is precisely what’s stopping me from changing into the color I WANTED to turn into this weekend, which is “tan.”

It’s important to me to be in control (see “1”) so I do my best to be stealth/non-intrusive when I get sick from drinking or food poisoning. But I remember thinking ‘I give up, someone has to fix me, I can’t do it myself.’ Then from here I have mostly what other people told me so I don’t know how to tell it. Everything hurt, unlike anything I’ve ever known. I would pass out I guess and then I would come to and then pass out and then come to.

This sounds so dramatic and cheesy and maybe precious or sentimental and I realize that, but I don’t know what else to say because I didn’t want to say anything at first. But I guess it’s important that sometimes we stop worrying about appearing to be anything but “together” and “perfect.” Because it’s not all girls in shiny bikinis, you know. Life. It’s also hospital waiting rooms.

Everything was terrible and was the worst. Also my period pains got out of control, like Black Swan was stabbing my uterus with a shard of glass. What happened was something about heat and being dehydrated and exhaustion and a Biba Syncopal Episode.

In the hospital Haviland was with me and called bcw for me. My family was in the lobby; Laneia, Alex, Rachel, Sarah, Jess. Then Alex came in and brought me Tinkerbell, and then Laneia came in and when the guy asked me if I had health insurance when I was still in the throes of it I wailed ‘this is so inhumane’. Then everyone went home and Haviland & Ashley stayed with me until I was better and they pumped things into me and there were lots of needles and IVs, etc.They had to pump water into me to get my blood pressure up, or like saline or something. There was so much of it, I felt like my veins were all cold water.

We got home at 3AM or something. Then this morning Julie & Brandy & Jess came by to see me and everyone has just been very nice to me. Ashley took a photo of Haviland in my little area of the hospital:

Now that’s over and it’s done and I’m ok and so I’m here in this live-blog as clearly I cannot be trusted to remain conscious. I have the best friends ever. I just ate an orange for the first time in like two years, oranges are so good!

Oh but earlier, when I was being carried out on a stretcher by the paramedics, Brandy noticed that some bitch at the party was wearing the same fucking white dress as her. What the fuck, right?

4:57 PM: Hello this is Rachel. We are getting ready to go to dinner, except I can’t decide what to wear to dinner until everyone votes on it and no one is voting. Did everyone notice above that Riese is no longer allergic to citric acid? Also I think Laneia just found the tampons. Things are really looking up.

5:10 PM: Wait nevermind we’re all just in a menstrual hut

5:53 PM: Rachel via email: Now this hotel room will be Camp Autostraddle/You Do You forever

6:47 PM: What does this even mean.

6:50 PM: Raise your hand if you want Brandy Howard to sexually harass you.

6:54 PM: I had a brief moment of confusion when I didn’t recognize the person in this picture, and I was like, I can’t add this until I know who it is, but then I re-read my emails and I have the answer: IT’S CARA FROM COFFEE BEAN! THANKS FOR THE DRINKS, CARA!

6:57 PM: Um… Here’s another picture telling you to smell your pillow. Carolyn says “This is for the liveblog. I have no explanation for it.”

6:57 PM: Brandy Howard is yelling “wet vaginas” down the halls at this hotel

6:59 PM: Things are getting interesting, I’m finding it hard to multi-task now with all these tweets and pictures and stuff. This is what’s happening right now: Brandy and Jess R. and maybe some other people are in a cab and they are going to have sex later, possibly with the cab driver, I wish I wasn’t picturing an elderly male cab driver right now. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever had a female cab driver?

7:19 PM: Jess, via email: Briana Stockton of “Work Out” fame just rolled up and Brandy is
screaming “Jackie Warner!!!” at the top of her lungs. Also, apparently, she is yelling “wet vaginas” as well down the halls in the hotel. Oh, Brandy.

7:25 PM: omg you guys.

8:37 PM: Rachel finds heteros!

and this:

also, 8:37 PM:

The Team (Riese, Alex, Julie, Brandy, Laneia, Rachel, Sarah, Jess R) and The Tribe (Alex and Jess and Croce and all their ca-RAZY Los Angeles Friends who have very nice outfits) have dinner at Hamburger Mary’s. Brandy yells at everybody.

Rachel via email:

1. Nbd, we’re just in Vegas hotel room discussing boyshort/boxer brief strategy. We decided fruit of the loom are the best ones for wearing
2. We just fit every lesbian on palm springs into one restaurant and.then ordered every beer. All of the beers.

8:47 PM: Rachel, via email: We are finishing dinner and going back to the hotel. I am just so excited to see Estelle I really just can’t even tell you

9:06 PM: Rachel via email: #wtfpalmsprings

9:34 PM: Awww! I feel a sense of community.

10:18 PM: Rachel via email: We could go to the show tonight or we could just look at a retrospective of Riese’s haircut

 

10:37 PM: Red team is ready for Estelle. Born ready. Born this way. Blue team is “getting ready” which I mean really what does that even mean, I just want to hear about American boys

11:00 PM: We have made it to the place Where The Girls Are! These are the Truck Stop Girls again and I guess they are dancing to Burlesque? Like I guess the fact that this Girl Bar event is named Gurlesque is not a coincidence is what I’m saying. Also look at these ladies, they are good for looking at. Laneia says these were the best thing to happen all weekend.

11:30 PM: Rachel via email: Oh no, Vega found the Salsa Room and now we’re never going to get to see Estelle

11:58 PM: Laneia via email: This dancing. This dancing. It is a thing. Haviland + Alex. A thing .Rachel knows the words. Alex is amazed. Literally everyone is dancing. Haviland is amazing.

8:30 AM: All the livebloggers got drunk and/or fell asleep last night, but here are some delayed pictures of Estelle and blurry shapes!

8:58 AM Sunday: Hi everyone this is Rachel! Last night we went to Gurlesque, where the Truck Stop Girls had an intense and exciting dance-off with the Gurlesque Dancers. We felt it was sad that two groups of strong, empowered women had to be set against one another instead of working together to end the patriarchy, but they were very good dancers who did many sexy things with chairs and we were very impressed also. Estelle is a talented singer, and it was inspired of her to change the lyrics of “American Boy” to “American Girl” because at Dinah Shore we are mostly concerned with those.

Since it has turned out that today we are all just heading back to LA because our various Transportation Situations are such that we unfortunately cannot stay in Palm Springs any longer, we are hereby concluding this “live blog,” which to be honest We think could’ve been a lot better. I mean, the interns could have tried a little harder to actually make their own jokes and not just copy-paste emails into a wordpress document. They will all be smacked later.

But this is not the last you will hear of Dinah Shore 2011! We have lots more photos to share with you, expect to see those soon! We love you, thank you for everything, good night and good luck!

Dinah Shore Liveblog Day II: Dazed And Confused in Palm Springs

Hellooooo friends, and welcome to Dinah Shore 2011! Your intrepid Autostraddle editors will be scampering about Palm Springs like the cute little Chuck-Taylor-wearing sunburnt drunk internet kittens we are, and we have left an equally intrepid and adorable team of interns to communicate all of our adventures to you in the meantime. We’ll be hitting all the events, shows and parties of Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend 2011, and we want you to be there with us in spirit! Here’s a map of Dinah AutoHQ, courtesy of Design Director Alex Vega:

 

And check out our schedule of all the Dinah action happening this weekend! We’ll be at Girl Bar events Thursday through Sunday, and you might think you’re ready but you’re not ready. But we’re doing this anyway! Here we go!

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Friday April 1, 2011

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9:30 am: It’s supposed to be 90 degrees in Palm Springs today. And right now it’s 89 and only 9:30, I hope everyone has brought their sunscreen.9:42 am: Jess, via gchat: yesterday was stressful getting into the rooms … but today should be good. we’re all still in bed

9:48 am: I suspect everything will be boring for a while while the team recuperates from last night. Now, for the liveblog of Emily Choo’s life? Just finished eating breakfast, now watching an old episode of Glee. Yeah, I said it, I’m a Gleek.

10:14 am: from Rachel, via email: We have all just woken up, bright and chipper like happy children! Just kidding we all feel like caveman zombies. Hope the entire internet wanted to know that.

10:16 am: The team has bagels but no toaster. Or cream cheese. What will they do, toast it with a lighter or call room service? Adventures abound at Dinah Shore!

10:32 am: Rachel, via email: also Laneia really wants everyone to know that her foot isn’t broken yet

ATTENTION AUTOSTRADDLE READERS: LANEIA’S FOOT BONES ARE STILL INTACT. CARRY ON.

10:40 am: Oh thank God. The mystery of “lighter or room service?” is over. Also I am sending happy period vibes over to Riese, which is probably not as good as midol.

10:50 am: I think that we need context for this. Laneia, via twitter:10:56 am: OK, apparently they have ordered a pot of coffee but it has not arrived yet, Laneia is not actually going to die. As long as it comes soon.

11:06 am: THE COFFEE HAS ARRIVED.This is Rachel’s latte. It is already gone.11:09 am: Rachel, via email: It turns out that room service means getting THE TINIEST BOTTLE OF HOT SAUCE IN THE WORLD. Also the picture I sent you earlier was of my latte. Obvs it’s gone now. Riese still doesn’t have any midol.11:18 am: Rachel via twitter:

11:40 am: Sarah, via email: This is what we’re doing instead of going to the pool party.‘Cause, like, whatever, there are naked ladies and boobies outside, but do you know where else those things are? On Tumblr.

11:45: Oh, wait (Laneia via twitter):Personally it is my mandate to support all clothing removal anywhere ever. Especially before noon.

11:55 am: Team Autostraddle makes a solid effort to begin the day. Laneia’s shirt remains on.

Rachel: does anyone have a product that will make my hair look better than it does right now. like a shower in a bottle?

Laneia: We should do yoga
Riese: I want to spend the rest of the trip in child’s pose
Sarah: I’ve never done yoga.
Laneia: You should.
Sarah: But i’m not a hippie like you guys

11:59 am: A GREAT DISCOVERY IS MADE

See? She is:

Despite coffee, breakfast amenities, and awaiting ladies, the chances of Laneia and Sarah getting out of bed today are decreasing steadily.

Rachel reports more accurate numbers: 75% have showered or are showering, and I am only about 15-20% hungover.

1:20 pm: Rachel via email: so riese and laneia are asleep again somehow i think, and also the circles under my eyes are so dark that i do not think they will ever go away ever or be covered by any makeup so i am just going to wear my sunglasses at all times including inside and when i am asleep. the good news is the hair product laneia gave me seems really good, when is someone going to start offering us endorsements1:33 pm: Look how much whiskey is still left after last night!
1:44 pm: Jess via email: we finally left the safety of our room and ventured into lesbianland by the pool

And they have hot Autostraddle shirts, look:

Which unfortunately they are also still wearing:

Also here is Rachel and Sarah F*cking Palmface with THE SHIRT:

1:54 pm: Rachel via email: At the autostraddle lounge at the girl bar pool party!2:00 pm: Laneia via twitter:Also there is a dude in a thong, possibly he is unaware he is in public, possibly he is just trying to incarnate ‘you do you’:

2:14 pm: Rachel via email: Jess is going to get an exclusive interview with the banana hammock guy for autostraddle dot com

2:17 pm: Laneia via email: bringing pre-cut mango was THE BEST IDEA I’VE EVER HAD

2:21 pm: Riese via email: i am going to make cargo shorts happen

2:23 pm: Rachel via email: apparently there is some lounging that is going on

And Haviland was just quoted: “does anyone know where my top is?2:29 pm: Rachel via email: I think sunscreen + you do you really says it all3:05 pm: Rachel, via email, is within four feet of…

3:17 pm: Rachel via email: VEGA IS IN THE POOLand it is very Ushery down there:These two miracles caused LANEIA AND RIESE TO WAKE UPAnd last but not least, Alex really liked how this girl looked in THE SHIRT too.3:23 pm: Rachel via email: Haviland is the best at selling calendars3:27 pm: Riese: Tequila sounds like a bad idea, and I’m the market for a bad idea.

3:48 pm: Rachel finds Julie Goldman: “the butchiest butch that ever butched”

4:04 pm: Rachel via email: Alex, Jessica, brandy and JulieAlex also emails to let us know they’re chillin’ at the pool / Auto table:

4:22 pm: Alex is justcaughtnapping dot tumblr dot com

4:28 pm: Jessica interviews Banana Hammock man

The Dinah Shore 2011 Liveblog Is Here – Autostraddle Does Girl Bar!

Hellooooo friends, and welcome to Dinah Shore 2011! Your intrepid Autostraddle editors will be scampering about Palm Springs like the cute little Chuck-Taylor-wearing sunburnt drunk internet kittens we are, and we have left an equally intrepid and adorable team of interns to communicate all of our adventures to you in the meantime. We’ll be hitting all the events, shows and parties of Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend 2011, and we want you to be there with us in spirit! Here’s a map of Dinah AutoHQ, courtesy of Design Director Alex Vega:

 

 

And check out our schedule of all the Dinah action happening this weekend! We’ll be at Girl Bar events Thursday through Sunday, and you might think you’re ready but you’re not ready. But we’re doing this anyway! Here we go!

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Thursday March 31st, 2011

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11:03 am: Tinkerbell is alive.

12:11 pm: Riese and Haviland made a pre-Dinah vlog for you! JK they just took some pictures together.

12:45 pm: Rachel, via email: This is groceries and booze for ten lesbians for four days, this episode brought to you by the letters T and J.

1:30 pm: Rachel, via email: Jk we’re not going to sunshine were just going to watch the real l word parody over and over the entire weekend.

But I want to see some girls in bikinis.

Emily Choo is sitting alone in her room eating triscuits and hummus. Carolyn is sitting alone in her room drinking coffee. Why is Canada so cold.

1:55 pm: Rachel, via email: Packing for sunshine = all of the mangoes.
2:23 pm: Rachel, via email: Lesbians in a car! We’re finally leaving LA!

2:51 pm: Rachel, via email: Just kidding, we haven’t left LA yet. Filling tires instead.

2:58 pm: Rachel, via email: MANGO TIME.

I am not sure what else is going on in that car right now but I am sure it is hilarious, until someone tells me I’m just gonna start writing on all the photos with white text in tribute to stuff lesbian kittens like.

Also #desertstraddle is going to be a thing, just like last time. Rachel says so.

3:27 pm: Sarah F*cking Palmface, via twitter: 3:29 pm: Sarah F*cking Palmface, via an email from Rachel: “I want to go to there.”

3:46 pm:4:05 pm: Everyone is still at In n Out, which is a restaurant, which I did not realize until Rachel sent me the following photos:Rachel, via email: You guys! I have never been to in n out ever in my life before, I am 99% sure this veggie burger wasn’t vegan but I ate it anyway.4:38 pm: Rachel, via email: i think my phone has been autocorrecting dinah to sunshine

5:09: Rachel via twitter:5:26: THE U.S.S. AUTOSTRADDLE HAS LANDED…sort of:

Sarah, via email: jess r., laneia and riese are in Palm Springs, figuring out the hotel sitch. Alex, Jessica, Rachel and I are still not there, because whatever car I take to Dinah apparently always ends up being hours late. But we’ll be there soon!

6:29 pm: Riese, via email:

so we have one room at the hotel zozo (or zoso? idk)
and one room at the hyatt
and all the alcohol is in the car
so far nobody has yelled at anybody so we’re doing better than last year

7:05 pm: Ok so Rachel and co. made it to Palm Springs an hour ago and we forgot to tell you about it.
7:08 pm:

Sarah F*cking Palmface, via email:

We are getting ready for the comedy show! While sipping whiskey, the conversation has turned to spirit animals. We decided that riese is her own spirit animal.

Alex: There’s no animal that encompasses you. You’re like a hybrid creation of someone like J.R.R. Tolkein.
Rachel: Yeah there are people asking their parents for a baby Riese.

7:18 pm: So it sounds like the drinking has started and is delicious, at least if you like bananas.

Laneia is all like, “Can I wear cowboy boots over pants?” Riese is heavily pondering this, but I think that we all know the answer is: shorts. The shortest shorts possible.
UPDATE: Rachel is worried that Laneia is not going to wear the cowboy boots. This is silly, as boots are for kicking ass, and that is what Laneia does. She is going with the pants. But we all know that pants are temporary/a social construct/meant to be removed.

7:46:

Rachel, via email: Also I got really excited about oranges and bought 8 pounds of them at Trader Joe’s but somehow no lemons or limes for drinks. I am not sure yet whether this was a mistake.

Can we all just discuss how this bag of oranges looks like a gnome?

8:00 pm:

Rachel: It turns out Alex vega and I use the same brand of makeup? I feel way sexier now

hot.

8:34 pm: Emily Choo — So, I haven’t heard anything from anyone in a while, but if you’re curious as to the liveblog of my life, I just finished eating a bowl of cereal and now I am staring at my computer screen.

8:36 pm: Somewhere in Palm Springs the following things are happening right this minute:

Girlbar’s Welcome Party at Hunter’s Night Club (8 pm to 2 am)

And Funny Girlz 6 Comedy Show, at Hotel Zoso, which started five minutes ago, if you are at Palm Springs and on a laptop reading this and were planning to make it there, RUN, you might miss Julie Goldman! (Also, Stamie K, Tracy Ryerson, Liz Feldman, and Erin Foley)

9:11 pm: Everyone at Palm Springs is MIA, Katrina is telling me about termites.

Katrina: did you know
that termites can fly
because we just found that out
Emily: HAHAH
wtf
Katrina: i know right
how fucking horrifying
Emily: what are you doing to solve this problem
Katrina: um, right now?
screaming and running around and emailing our landlord
Emily: that sounds productive

10:05 pm: Um, still no word from anyone. I guess this means they are having such a good time they forgot why they’re there in the first place: TO SEND CUTE PICTURES OF EVERYONE BEING MADE OF KITTENS, OBVS.

10:26 pm: This is what Katrina and Emily look like with no updates from the team.

 

Also, we are vaguely worried, like lesbian mothers pacing around in slippers waiting for their drunk daughters to come home. Like, “Why you no call me? I wait up all night for you, you no come home for dinner, I worry myself sick! Santa Maria help us all!”

It is uncertain whether or not anyone’s mother actually talks that way, but if Emily and Katrina were Autostraddle’s lesbian mothers, they would probably sound kind of like that. It would also sound like this:

Emily: i think they all died already
Katrina: wow that was so quick
Emily: i know the weekend hasn’t even started
Katrina: we should go rescue them
while wearing cutoff shorts
Emily: we can squeeze into one plane seat
Katrina: or no pants
Emily: i wonder what happened to them
Katrina: i think probably ‘alcohol’

STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.

10:48 pm: THE TEAM IS ALIVE AND HAS SOME VERY IMPORTANT UPDATES (turns out there was no internet and they were alive all along)

Rachel: Stamie’s son Jagger is my spirit animal. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Sarah F*cking Palmface: Julie Goldman just said pussy SO MANY TIMES I can’t even

11:11 pm: Rachel via gchat:

Basically, we just went to Girl Bar’s Funny Girlz comedy show
with Tracy Ryerson, Stamie K, Liz Feldman, Erin Foley, and Julie Goldman
um
I think Stamie’s son Jagger is my spirit aniimal
fact
and Julie Goldman was amazing
obvs

Obvs.

11:14 pm: Rachel, Riese, Laneia, Sarah, Haviland, and Jess R are now back in the hotel room.

11:24 pm: Rachel via gchat:

brandy is coming over
we are skipping the party at Hunter’s and instead having a “never go to sleep ever in the hotel room” party

11:41 pm: So because of forces beyond anyone besides Verizon Wireless’s control, there are no pictures yet of anything funny or comedic. But trust me you guys it was super! Great! The bar had vodka tonics SO obvs it was super enjoyable.

11:44 pm: HELLO HERE ARE SOME BLURRY PHOTOS TAKEN VIA HTC ERIS. YOU ARE WELCOME. THIS EPISODE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY VODKA TONICS.

 

 

12:04 AM: Julie, Brandy, Alex, Jess, Haviland and Sarah are boldly going where quite a few lesbians have gone before, which is to the Thursday night party at Hunter’s across the street from Hotel Zoso. Other members of Team Autostraddle are not so brave, and are staying inside the hotel room which is fortified with air conditioning and All Of The Oranges. It’s like All Of The Lights except Alex Vega is better at typography. Anyways tomorrow maybe we will have more updates and possibly photographs from the INSANE LESBIAN DEBAUCHERY of tonight’s party, but for tonight GO TO BED WEIRDOS. Or eat a mango or something IDK. We’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning! <3

Dinah Shore Weekend 2011: Lesbian Events, Parties & Concert Schedule

Hey do you have your bikini on? Do you want to take it off and leap into the swimming pool where you can languish in the desire and fun reverberating from every water jet and every human female also in the pool? Do you enjoy not just one beer, but 15 beers? Do you like dance music? Dancing? COMEDY?!

Or — Are you a socially awkward weirdo who generally prefers vacations which involve historical re-enactment villages or modern art museums and usually needs a xanax to do anything besides sit at home and typity-type-type into your computer screen?

Well either way there is a home for you at Dinah Shore, even for the weirdos, because we’re weirdos, AND WE’RE GOING. You guys, the weather:

Basically there are two situations happening simultaneously during Dinah Shore Weekend — there’s Club Skirts and there’s GirlBar — two pools, two sets of parties, etc. Most people buy an all-access pass to one or the other but party-hopping is always possible if you want to buy individual event tickets. It’s too late to buy tickets online but you can pick them up on site at Girlbar or at Club Skirts.

Last year we did a little bit of both but mostly Club Skirts. This year we’ll be holding down Autostraddle HQ at Girlbar in some kind of special lounge situation, which my or may not look like this:

This year Team Auto will be represented by Riese, Laneia, Julie Goldman, Brandy Howard, Jess R., Alex Vega, Sarah Jesus Christ Palmface, Rachel Killer K and Haviland “Rising Star” Stillwell.

We’ll be live blogging/photographing/video-ing our Dinah adventures starting this Thursday night until Sunday and it will be super entertaining.

So on with it…

 

Let’s start with the GirlBar events:

– Wednesday –

Meet n Greet Cocktail Party

at The Hyatt Lounge & Pool Deck from 8pm-11pm

EVERYONE LOVES A COCKTAIL!

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– Thursday –

Welcome Party

at Hunters Nightclub, from 8pm-2am
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Funny Girlz 6 – Comedy Show

at Hotel Zoso, doors at 7:30pm, show at 8:30pm

hosted by Stamie K and Tracy Ryerson of your favorite show of all time, The Real L Word!

featuring JULIE GOLDMAN, the funniest lesbian in the entire world!

Along with Liz Feldman and Erin Foley!

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– Friday –

TGIF Pool Party

at The Hyatt Pool Deck starting at noon til 5pm

Girl Bar Dancers vs. Truck Stop Girls all day long!

You may recognize these girls from your other favorite TV show, Gimme Sugar!

Look! It’s just like The L Word:

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then get on your favorite white virginal dress or pantsuit ’cause it’s time for the …

Pure White Party

at Hotel Zoso with a performance by Wynter Gordon performing her hits”Dirty Talk” and “Believer”

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– Saturday –

Wet n Wild Pool Party

at The Hyatt Pool Deck from 9am-4pm
featuring the Lingerie Football League

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Chill Out Pool Party

at Hotel Zoso from 10am-4pm
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Gurlesque – THE MAIN EVENT

at Hotel Zoso from 9pm-2am
with a live performance by British singing sensation Estelle (hits including “American Boy” and “One Love”)

and a burlesque show by the Truckstop Girls and GirlBar’s Go-Gos.

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– Sunday –

Splash Pool Party

at The Hyatt Pool Deck from 9am-5pm
with a performance by Jessie and the ToyBoys

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Closing Party

at Hunters Nightclub from 9pm-2am
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Now onto the Club Skirts events:

– Wednesday –

Meet and Greet

at the Riviera Resort and Hotel
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– Thursday –

Laughing Loud

an evening of comedy with Paula Poundstone, Susan Westenhoefer, Fortune Feimster and more.
Doors at 7pm. Show starts at 8:30pm

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Opening Bash

at Zeldaz Nightclub at 9pm.

Two rooms, two dance floors and an outside patio.

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– Friday –

Frisky Friday Pool Party

with a live performance by Auburn.
at the Riviera Resort from noon to 5pm.

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White Diamonds Party

at the Riviera Resort and Spa at 9pm

MTV/Logo VIP party from 9pm – 10:30pm in the VIP Section

Celebrity Arrivals from 10pm-10:30pm

featuring performances by Chely Wright and Dev & The Cataracs
(Doors at 8pm, concert at 8:45pm)

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– Saturday –

Cabana Girl Pool Party

with a meet-n-great with The Real Housewives‘ Fernanda Rocha and an autograph signing by The L Word’s Laurel Holloman …

2-5 pm – Girltrash! Pool Party

Meet & Greet with Creator Angela Robinson with actors & friends of the Girltrash web-series: Gabrielle Christian, Mandy Musgrave, Michelle Lombardo, Lisa Rieffel, Alex Kondracke and Clementine Ford.

5pm – Battle of the Lesbian Webseries

The Battle of the Lesbian Webseries at 5pm featuring Anyone But Me, Venice, We Have to Stop Now, Cherry Bomb, Cowgirl Up, The Lovers & Friends Show, Girltrash, GirlGirl Scene, More to L with our girl Nat Garcia, Orange Juice in Bishop’s Garden, Seeking Simone & The Real Girl’s Guide to Everything Else.
(At the Riviera Resort at 9am.)

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The Hollywood Party

at the Palm Springs Convention Center at 9pm

Here TV! Network & SheWired.com VIP Party: 9pm-10:30 PM

Red Carpet arrivals from 10-10:30 pm

featuring performances by Platinum Recording artist Natasha Bedingfield at 11pm

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and Luciana performing her hit “I Like That” and more at 1am

 

Also, Wolfe Video presents a high-flying acrobatic act by P!nk choreographer and star of “A Marine Story” Dreya Weber.
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– Sunday –

Love is Louder Pool Party

at the Riviera Resort & Spa

to support the Love is Louder campaign launched by Brittany Snow MTV and The JED Foundation

with a performance by Tiffany Dunn and an autograph appearance by Lauren Holloman.

and a “Surprise Performance” by “one of the most popular bands – an absolute crowd favorite!”

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The Closing Gala

 

at Zeldaz Nightclub at 9pm

 

WHEN DO YOU WANNA MEET UP?!

What Do I Pack for Dinah Shore?: Pool Party Packing 101

You may think that packing your bags to go to Palm Springs for Dinah Shore Weekend would be just like packing for any other vacation, and you would be so incredibly wrong! When you’re getting your stuff together for the biggest lezzer bikini dance party crazyfest in the USA, you have to make sure you consider every possible situation that could arise, including but not limited to every single person getting her period at the exact same time. Also, needing a ponytail holder.

Lucky for you, Team Autostraddle has braved the wilds of Dinah Shore Weekend before. So we’re exceptionally qualified to give you all sorts of advice on what to bring and how to be prepared for the debauchery — I MEAN GOOD CLEAN WHOLESOME FUN.

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Taylor

1. A corkscrew. You’d be surprised how frustrating it is when you don’t have one. Last year Julie Goldman saved my life, and you could make so many friends if you had a corkscrew on you. Believe me. Or circumvent this issue altogether and see #3.

2. Inflatable anything. Kelsey and I picked up an inflatable shark and turtle and the rest is HISTORY. By that I mean, Kelsey posed for lots of super cute photo-ops with those guys.

3. Franzia. Just kidding, you should totally pick this up there. You know, the TSA and all. You’re going to need Franzia in the morning just to make it to the brunch place where a bloody mary will cure what ails you. Or I mean, not drinking is probably an all-around smarter idea.

4. A cute dress and some cargo shorts. Depending on the crowd, you can tinker with your gender presentation accordingly to feel like a special snowflake.

5. A camera. Palm Springs is beautiful… you should really get your drunk ass out of that hotel courtyard.

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Sarah

1. A bottle opener. Actually, just bring a lighter because it can double as a bottle opener and that fire is also going to come in handy.

2. Large sunglasses to help you avoid being recognized in the background of The Real L Word Dinah episode.

3. Hair-dryer/straightener/whatever that can handle being covered in mojito/being used by five lesbians at all hours of the day. My straightener hardly survived last year.

4. Board shorts. Several pairs.

5. TAMPONS and some aspirin. You will start your period if you go to Dinah Shore, there is no other option.

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Laneia

1. First-aid kit. Last year mine included Advil, four tampons, two sporks, some band-aids, electrical tape, a small bottle of hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, matches, hand sanitizer and a Sharpie. This year I’m adding ACE BANDAGE + LIGHTER. Learn from experience.

2. Several bottles/spray cans of sunscreen. No one else will bring any, or they won’t bring enough, so they’ll steal yours.

3. Bandana. They’re cute and useful. The key is to cut them in half. You have to cut them in half.

4. Wisps! Just can’t stress this enough. When your breath is fresh and minty and your teeth are clean, you’re 89% more confident when you ask to borrow Julie Goldman’s bottle opener. Or whatever, I mean, you know.

5. Cash. And not just twenties. One of you will be the one who gets the coffee, but probably it won’t be you. You’ll need to pay that person. That person may or may not run into Miley Cyrus while accomplishing this task.

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Kelsey

1. Reusable water bottle. Some have trees on them so you can be like, “Hey Look! I love nature!” Chicks dig that.

2. Reusable tumbler with straw and lid to maximize your drinkage to spillage ratio. Also it’s easily identifiable and you don’t have to worry (as much) about being poisoned by girls who just want to get in your pants.

3. Sunglasses so you never have to make eye contact with anyone and can check out anyone you like without them knowing. May I suggest the kind you get from Chinatown/street vendors/H&M for $5 so that it’s not a big deal when they inevitably break or you give them to some girl who would look cute in them or they are inevitably stolen. May I also suggest buying them in a bright color, like red, so you are easily identifiable and immediately cool.

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Riese

1. Tonic to go with the vodka to make my signature drink, the VODKA VODKA tonic.

2. Either Ambien or an iPod, which you should pre-load with Baby White Noise and then stick in your ears and put on repeat and block out everybody’s noise to sleep soundly. Because everyone is going to be snoring, making out, or kicking you in the throat.

3. Something black for the white party:

4. Six white Hanes a-shirts, aka “beaters.” Goes with everything and it’s not too sad when you spill mojito on it because it only cost like $4.

5. Your laptop so you can read our liveblog.

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Jess R.

1. Snacks Good, healthy, cheap food is hard to come by at these all-day pool party situations so make sure to stick a few protein/fiber bars in your bag for those afternoon low blood sugar lulls. Otherwise, you may have to spend $10 on a bag of chips and half cooked veggie burger.

2. A hoodie. I froze my ass off last year because I thought Palm Springs would be 80 degrees. Turns out it’s the desert and the desert gets cold at night. Consider yourself warned. And if you bring an American Apparel hoodie, you could rock the Justin Bieber lesbian look.

3. An outfit for the White Party. There’s a party Saturday night where everyone has to wear white. I believe it’s called The White Party. A lot of us have issues with wearing all white, and we’re Autostraddle and therefore rebel against authority, so we sometimes wear black to such events. Use your discretion.

4. Five Hour Energy/Red Bull. Not only does this keep you awake for the non-stop partying, it also goes great with vodka.

Rachel

1. Xanax.

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Julie and Brandy

1. Beer opener/wine opener/pill cutter.

2. Beer/wine/prescription pills.

3. Loose tank top to put over your bikini top while at the pool. This will cover your stomach, but show side boob!

4. Feather earrings. These are a must if you want to RULE at lesbian nighttime functions.

5. Scarf and/or fingerless gloves for fashion and function. It’s actually quite chilly in Palm Springs at night.

I feel like the moral of the story is: bottle opener. Hey! Are you going to Palm Springs with us? Have you been to a similar event which enables you to pontificate on this topic? Are we forgetting anything?

Lingerie Football League Lesbian Amber Elizabeth Will Tackle You

As we all know, not every lesbian or straight person is a football fan. But maybe, juuuuust maybe, you could stand it if you knew that out on the field was an intelligent, hard-working, super fit lady who likes ladies. Oh, look what we found. A LADY JUST LIKE THAT. Her name is Amber Elizabeth. She plays in the Lingerie Football League for the Los Angeles Temptation whom she calls “the best looking team in the league.” When she’s not busy winning the 2011 championship with her team, she is a fitness model and personal trainer.

You might be wondering what good this is gonna do you? With your luck the only time you’ll run into the lesbian footballer of your dreams is while getting granola from Trader Joe’s in your pajamas. But wait, Amber and her teammates will be at Girlbar’s Dinah Shore Weekend? We even have the date and time? Now you can “coincidentally” wear your cutest top at the right moment!

The best part is that Amber, along with other members of  the L.A. Temptation, will appear live in Palm Springs during Girlbar Dinah Shore on Sat. April 2nd at the Wet n’ Wild Pool Party happening at the Hyatt’s upper pool deck. Doors open at 9am. You obviously need to buy those tickets now.

Want to get to know Amber a little better? Oh, we’ve got you covered.

Brittani: Congrats on the championship! How did you end up trying out for the team?

Amber: Thank you! I was home visiting family and a friend mentioned the league. I called my best friend to see if I should go to tryouts and the response I got was, “If you don’t go I might punch you in the face.” They know how much sports mean to me.

You played wide receiver and corner this year. Do you prefer one to the other?

I like playing defense, so cornerback. I have more of an ability to see a play develop. My reaction time is pretty quick because of basketball. I do play receiver, but they tend to make me run the ball a bit more. But I’m not afraid to run and get hit — I really get into it so I’m okay with getting pummeled.

How did your friends and family react to you joining the team?

My parents are pretty conservative. My mom is typical old school. At first, when she heard about playing football in underwear she was a little skeptical, so we just agreed to disagree. Then when we made the playoffs, I told her they were going to be live and asked if she would watch so I could feel like I have support. The whole family and my dad watched and said they were so proud of me. They could see that when I’m on the field, I’m at home. Now they’re completely supportive of it.

LFL Season 2 Teaser

Were you out before you joined the league?

Being from a small town, I had to keep things under wraps. I moved to LA for a fresh start, so I never hid it from anybody — it’s been free information.

I didn’t feel the need to proclaim it, though. Eventually people figured it out. Some girls asked if I had a boyfriend and the answer was no, not so much. [laughs] I’ve gotten asked how do two girls have sex. My answer is how do they not? I’m like an educational tool for the team.

I hate the Packers but I love Aaron Roger’s championship belt celebration, even though it’s technically not allowed. Do you have a touchdown celebration dance planned for next season?

Yeah, I love those. The game against Chicago, I made an interception and ran it back for a touchdown but it was waved off because of a penalty called on my teammate. I slid into the end zone like I was sliding into home base and got tackled by all my teammates, so I didn’t have a chance to celebrate after that. When someone scores, you freak out and do whatever. After a touchdown, I jumped on #19, Zipphora Chase, and just went crazy on her. There’s no telling what you’ll do. When they play the starting introductions, I do the Dougie.

Seems like a lot of trash talk goes on between teams. Are you a big trash talker?

[laughs] You have a mouth guard in so you can’t talk shit without spitting on someone. But if they’re trying to hold me or punch me when I’m down, that’s too much. The league wants a good show, so sometimes they let stuff go. One time a girl came at me like a spider money and was being really crazy coming for my face. I went up to her and real quietly went, “I want to let you know you’re the worst player ever.” I didn’t know she had never played in an actual game before. [laughs] After the game she came up to me and went, “I am so, so sorry. It’s my first time.” It was so funny.

I’m amazed that clothes aren’t ripped off. Have you ever had a wardrobe malfunction?

I think everyone has had a malfunction. It’s illegal to intentionally lift uniforms off. A couple girls’ tops have actually broken. We always wear pasties — you have to have them, so we have fun with them. I had black stars with lots of sparkles on them. I also rocked skull and crossbones for a while.

As a lesbian, how do you feel about playing in a sport that caters to a male viewership?

I have a lot of guy friends and I get it. We establish respect for women’s sports because we play a predominantly male game and it’s not toned down. With the NFL possibly not having a season we might be right there to fill in. We’re hoping to establish an NFL for women.

Is there a level of camaraderie between you and any other bisexual or lesbian women in the league?

Absolutely! I can always tell who the girls are on other teams. On my team there’s me and one other gay girl and a girl who’s bi. I’m so close with so many of the girls so yeah, we can talk about more things, but I’m so open with all of the team. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, or whatever.

Sex appeal is being used as the main draw to promote a legitimate athletic league. As a female athlete, does that bother you at all?

If I felt like a lack there was a lack of talent due to limiting people based on how they look, it would bother me. But I have yet to come across a team that doesn’t have incredible athletes. I’d have an issue if I felt I wasn’t being challenged. There are standout athletes and I’d rather play them than some Playboy bunny.

Do you ever see the league moving away from lingerie and towards more traditional uniforms?

I don’t. The uniform has changed and evolved. There are already leagues that have the same uniform as the NFL. Pads and the whole nine yards. They have to pay a lot to play and they make no money. I would rather get paid to play. You have to set yourself apart, so we have to keep some entertainment aspect to it, especially playing on TV. The best way for female sports to survive is by thinking outside the box to keep it interesting. But I do hope the tops are more supportive at some point.

You’ve been on the cover of Oxygen three times. Have any good hook-up stories with other models?

There’s another girl who’s been on the cover of Oxygen and there was a time in Vegas — we were both working an event. It was kind of a joke for us. Here we are, two fitness models and I think I met her through my agent. As soon as she walked through the room, she knew, I knew. We both thought we were bisexual at the time but after that stint in Vegas, I think we both were like “Bisexual? Not so much.”

I saw the playlist from one of those interviews. Is music a big part of your workout?

Absolutely! I like everything across the board. On a long run, anything from Florence and the Machine to Sia… easy listening, jazz, blues. If I’m in the gym, sometimes I’ll be feeling my roots and listen to some gospel. I download podcasts a lot. Lately they’ve been coming out with Etta James and classics like that and mix it and make house music. That’s what I love.

Are you looking forward to being around good music and dancing ladies at Dinah?

I’m going to get in a little warm-up while I’m home in New York. My friends all like to go out Thursday nights. I’m going to break it down a little bit to make sure I’m ready. I’m bringing my best friend with me to Dinah — we’re going to drive cross country. So she’ll be there and five of my teammates. I’m bringing the best dancers. Girls that can really pop their booties.

Have you been to Dinah before?

Never ever ever.

Are you excited?

My first month in LA, I went to Lesbian Attack and I don’t even remember what I did that night. I was in awe of so many lesbians packed into one place at one time. From what I hear, Dinah is going to be ten times that. I’m excited and ready.

What’s your favorite song to dance to right now?

They have to play Teach Me How to Dougie. It’s my favorite song of all time ever. T.I. has a song called Make Your Face Fall Off, I think. I play it in my car all the time. If you stand still while it’s on, something is wrong with you.

Is there a go-to pick-up line you’ll be using at Dinah?

I’ve never hit on a girl my entire life! And I don’t plan on starting at Dinah Shore. The best relationships and friends I have happened kind of randomly. I’ll be walking around like a big dork but you never know what I’m going to come up with. I don’t have cheesy pick-up lines. I’m super sarcastic and that’s gotten me some great friends.

So you’re single?

I’ve been dating the same girl for 7 months. She has a theory that if I eliminated all my options and it was just her, what does that prove? She’s not even coming. She said, “It’s something you need to experience and if you come back and still want to date me, that really means something.” She’s exactly right.

Any guilty pleasure foods you’ll be on the lookout for?

All the girls coming from LA, we have a drunk pizza tradition. No matter what time it is, three or four in the morning, we need pizza.

You can follow Amber @modelamberliz