Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Dating App Struck and Leave It to the Stars

Dating Download is an ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on Struck, the astrology-based dating app that pairs you with astrologically compatible matches.

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Shelli Nicole: So — I hated this app. The only thing I liked about it was the layout. It looks really pretty and def gives me good old early aughts AIM vibes and I love a pastel color palette, other than that — it’s a no for me.

Drew Gregory: Haha okay great, love an immediate strong opinion.

Also something exciting is about to happen… BECAUSE I SO DISAGREE!!

Shelli: I love that!! I am ready for all the opinions.

Dani Janae: I was very turned on by the concept as I have made very public that I am on the hunt for a Taurus wife. I told someone recently that I’m a “baby astrology queer” meaning I know my big three and really understand nothing else so I was on board and excited to see who I would get paired up with based on the premise

Drew: I feel like I only recently claim a level of knowledge beyond baby astrology queer, which is where I was living for awhile. But my relationship to astrology isn’t so concrete that I went into this with any specific mission. It just seemed like a fun instigator for flirting since inevitably on other apps astrology is often brought up anyway.

Shelli: I was hoping this would just be a cute little moment where I would connect with a few hot Virgos but it didn’t happen. I think the app is geared towards folks who take astrology TO FUCKING HEART. That’s fine, but I’d rather talk about it lightly in text and bring it up sporadically when they do something that “fits” their sign.

Also — I do not share my entire chart with folks. I excused it for this app because obviously it’s embedded in it but any other time, nah. It’s my cosmic social security number and I learned my lesson from giving it out so carelessly in the past.

Drew: !! I’d love to know what about your experience led you to feeling like it’s for people who take it to heart. Also would love to know what you are hiding in your chart but I will respect your privacy and not ask!!

Dani Janae: Oh for sure, when I saw they show your whole chart I was like HM interesting choice! It’s not like people could do damage with that info but it felt super revealing.

Drew: I love sharing my whole chart because when I only share my big three I feel like the story of who I am is incomplete. It’s why I say I’m a Sag Venus in all my dating app bios.

Shelli: The app in its entirety makes me feel like that high-key. I mean, if your knowledge of astrology is on mostly “The Big 3” end, you are going to have no clue what things like houses mean and their importance. Yes, the app gives you a bit of limited information when you click through their astro chart but it’s a very surface layer meaning you know?

Also, the majority of the conversations—  were just around astrology, instead of a conversation starter. It’s like, girl if I didn’t want to talk about anything but my chart for 3 days I would have gone somewhere and paid for a reading.

I did love “Hide me from straight people” — very to the point and I liked that.

Drew: Oh that’s so interesting! I didn’t talk to people about astrology at all. To be fair, I didn’t talk to that many people.

Which brings me to the main thing I love about the app… it’s not even the astrology part. It’s the conceit itself. Four people a day, can only message one.

I think at this point in the pandemic I just feel so burnt out from dating apps and all the swiping and there’s been something really nice about every day getting my little notification, looking at four profiles, and usually deciding “you all seem nice but not for me!” Getting rid of dating apps altogether felt sad to me, but keeping the options to a minimum has been nice.

And because the app feels very geared towards queer people (like that “hide from straight people” option, like how it tells you to have a glass of water after you send a message) I felt like the people it showed me were people I might want to know or would know in community. There were no straight people, no couples, very few people with their pictures overfiltered.

Shelli: I got very limited matches; those damn clouds only showed me cards like a few times. And out of those few times only twice was I interested in any of them.

Drew: Oh that’s a bummer. I’ve been shown people every day for the past few weeks except maybe once.

Shelli: Not having to swipe, swipe, swipe was refreshing thought. It was kinda like a friend sending you a message every few days like “Hey, I saw this person’s IG, I think you might dig them but no pressure.” It wasn’t as pushy as the other apps can be.

Drew: Yes!

Dani Janae: I’ll also agree that I hardly talked astrology. I would look at someone’s chart to see why the app thought we were compatible but that was it. I also loved how chill it was as Drew mentioned. Only four potential matches for whatever period of time? Very cool. I had to adjust my parameters a lot to get matches though.

Shelli: A LOT. But again as we have said before, that’s not fully the app’s fault. Or is it? Because, market better, so more people can get on it!

Drew: For me knowing someone’s chart is a context to get to know them, not any sort of determining factor. Even if someone has the exact opposite of my theoretical dream chart I’ll still talk to them if they seem hot and cool.

I can definitely imagine the app being frustrating with fewer people. In LA it’s been pretty good.

Dani Janae: Yeah there is hardly anyone on it right now. I cheated to get access to it so everyone is in New York or LA for me, which is like, I’m a lesbian so I should be able to do long distance, but it’s not ideal.

Shelli: See Drew, that’s the vibe I want a lot of folks to have, but I feel like it will ultimately be the reverse as it expands. Folks who come to the app with a staunch stand of (probably rightfully) rejecting whatever sign(s) and get no play or come off hella judgemental in the initial message exchange.

Drew: Ugh I’m sorry you had that experience! I really don’t like that approach to astrology.

I should admit that part of my experience of the app was influenced by the fact that I have a Libra I’m crushing on hard and have been talking to a bunch and so I’ve been pretty busy flirting separate from apps. I think I might’ve been a bit more impatient with the four people a day, very few matches part of this six months ago.

Shelli: I get it right, like for me, I talk a lot of shit about Libras and wanting them to let me be. BUT if a bad bitch approaches me and happens to be a Libra and we connect like wild — will I be a bit worried, yeah, but will I write her off completely, probably not.

Drew: See isn’t this fun how I love Libras and you are very suspicious of them. Someone out there for everyone!

(A different Libra did break my heart a little last year so maybe I am just foolish who’s to say !!)

Dani Janae: Lol I’m that way about Pisces, but I wouldn’t write any hottie off.

Shelli: Maybe a small part of me also hoping this app would give me a yummy Libra to get a little toxic with.

Drew: Hahahaha

Shelli: I think queer folks would dig the fuck out of this app though. Especially those who are looking for a different dating app experience and are looking for things to be chill. Maybe someone who is already doing some flirting and kicking it with folks already and doesn’t want to be completely removed from the apps but not totally invested either.

So it makes sense to me that your experience went well with it Drew.

Dani — I have never kicked it with a Pisces!

Drew: Knowing the three of us it doesn’t surprise me that we are not usually drawn to Pisces. Two of my best friends are Pisces and I’m just like… yeah we would never date. But again that’s just a sun sign! Who knows! There’s a whole chart and a whole person.

Shelli: Did y’all see the cute ass hats the app has?

Dani Janae: No I don’t think so!

Drew: Omg no.

Shelli: I feel like we should all be sent one — along with a little flower to queerly tuck behind it.

Drew: Hahaha yes. Please send us hats, Struck.

I also love their little celebrity match finder. I got Constance Wu which um yes please.

Dani Janae: I got Nicole Byer and Selena Gomez!

Drew: I also think it’s a good idea because maybe people will download the app to do the celeb match finder and then stick around. I want every city to have as many people as LA!

Shelli: I got Rihanna!

Drew: Talk about a Pisces we would all want to date !!!!!

Shelli: Yo, I also wanted to say that it would be easy for this app to be faking all this connection by charts stuff but they have an actual astrologer advising them, and also — their FAQ on the site is one of the most thorough I’ve ever seen for a dating app.

They basically go “This is as real as you think it is babe, but what we are saying is we fuck with astrology heavy so try it if you want.”

Drew: Yeah I like that. I am very much #TeamStruck.

Have I met anyone using it? Absolutely not. Do I love it? Absolutely.

Shelli: I was very Anti (get it?) at the start of our convo but now I’m a tad bit less so.

Dani Janae: Lol I’ve been holding a convo with a cutie that’s 2000 miles away.

Drew: The Libra I’m flirting with fully lives in Toronto.

Shelli: 2K miles – light work for us.

Drew: We are who we are.

Dani Janae: Truly.

Shelli: But for real — give us hats tho.

Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Hinge, Try Not to Get Unhinged

Dating Download is an ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on Hinge.

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Drew Gregory: Had either of you used Hinge before? For some reason it was always the big one I never tried.

I feel like friends were always telling me Hinge was good and to go on Hinge. But it has a reputation for being for Serious Dating and I think that always felt… idk. As you both know while I’m open to a relationship I’m not exactly looking to Uhaul or have the pressure that matching on an app means we’re going to have an extended affair.

Dani Janae: I really haven’t gotten very adventurous with my app usage until we started this so Hinge wasn’t on my radar until now.

Shelli Nicole: I’ve never used it BUT I knew a lot about it because it has commercials! It’s one of the only dating apps I’ve seen with content on television. Like the ads would come on when I’m streaming a show on Hulu.

Drew: What were the ads like?? Their slogan is the app that’s meant to be deleted, right? Which like… that alone screams We Are For Monogamy.

Dani Janae: Ooo that’s a good point Drew.

Shelli: Ok so like here’s the thing, you’re absolutely right — this app is for serious dating and the ads literally fucking say “it’s an app designed to be deleted.” It shows people on dates and then the little Hinge logo disappears or dies in some way because folks have found their person.

Drew: I’m going to be honest… I’m so tired of pandemic dating I wouldn’t mind being in a situation where I could happily delete my dating apps. Well, except Instagram and Twitter, of course.

Shelli: When we were testing it out I was looking to see if folks were for real like, on it to get off it, and actually — they are. So many profiles were talking about how they were looking for something serious and how they wanted to avoid time wasters.

Dani Janae: Yeah I saw a lot of that as well. I got a date off Hinge and they talked about how that was the appeal of the app — serious dating versus hookups.

Drew: I want serious hookups where’s that?

Dani Janae: Lmao for real, I’m in the place where I’m like “I’ll take anything you’re offering.”

Shelli: Listen, serious hookups sounds perfect — “serious situationships.”

Drew: What were your initial reactions to the app? Like the format and what info it asked for and settings?

Dani Janae: I was VERY turned off by the like function. Even now I keep wanting to swipe. Which maybe is reflective of a problem with the way I date but I hate that I can send a like and the person sees it and can ignore it. How embarrassing.

Drew: At first I was hesitant to just send likes instead of commenting and starting the conversation. I’m not a bottom! Jesus.

But then it became a thing where I was putting energy into thinking of an opener with no guarantee they were even attracted to me. And that started to feel like a waste of time.

Shelli: I kinda liked the format although it wasn’t intuitive. It was a relearning thing from the swiping — it didn’t stop me from using it but it did slow me down.

YO you know what I didn’t like? When you did like some part of someone’s profile on Hinge and got matched — about 80% of the time they still invited me to start the conversation! It’s like, lesbians will find a way to still not talk.

Drew: RIGHT. I’m so over it. I hate that as a stereotype. Like it’s a true stereotype. But I want us to get over it! It’s not cute to me anymore… if it ever was.

Dani Janae: Yes! It’s like, I’m hot, you’re hot, pick something on my profile to talk to me about!

Shelli: I hate it too but it’s getting more and more verified and harder for me to say “that’s not all of us!”

It’s also like, meet me halfway baby girl, please. The vibe is easy to pick up on this app that people are there to truly link up even if you haven’t heard about the seriousness of it so everyone should be ready to talk.

Dani Janae: I also had a feeling that some of the women the app was showing me were not even queer? When the prompt asked “what are you looking for?” I saw a lot of answers that were just “a strong man with a beard” and I was like… so are you into women? I also saw lots of men slipping through the cracks.

Drew: I felt like I saw more men and straight women on Hinge than on other apps.

And yeah if this is for serious daters then date seriously. It’s really for casual daters who want serious relationships. I’m the opposite. Or used to be. I admittedly have left some people on read because I’ve just been disengaged from the app since it wasn’t working great for me.

Dani Janae: I’ve mostly just gotten a lot of unreciprocated likes on both ends.

Shelli: I’ve been quicker to disengage on this one versus all the others. I don’t know if that’s because pandemic dating is wearing on me or if I was sick of being the first one to talk. What I did like — the option to choose to see only black folks AND that option not being behind a paywall.

Dani Janae: Second that so hard. I selected to just not see white people and it really limited my options but it was so nice to have that be offered for free.

Shelli: I liked that it had an explanation folks could click and read as to why it would be important for marginalized communities to want that option in case people were being combative about it.

Dani Janae: I also really liked that, I thought that function and the “is this a dealbreaker” modification were very helpful.

Shelli: Yessssssss on the dealbreaker button! How did y’all feel about the Hinge prompts and being forced to use three?

Drew: I honestly prefer the Bumble prompts.

And feel like the mandatory three is silly because it’s a less a numbers thing and more what you do with it. So many people answered with the plainest answers that told me nothing about them.

Dani Janae: I think apps struggle with what they think is important to people when dating, so when they come up with mandatory prompts like that they think they are opening up an opportunity to be witty and quick but not everyone has that personality, so some of the answers are a bore.

Shelli: I feel like I manifested this because in the last article I was saying how I was going to talk more and be less minimal in the profile and this time around the app was like “Well bitch let’s go.”

Drew: Haha how’d that feel for you?

Shelli: It felt kinda weird but also kinda okay? I just didn’t like that I couldn’t fully create a profile on my own and instead had to rely on prompts but — I did my best!

Drew: When someone had good answers it was such a !!! moment. Because so many were so bad. That’s the silver lining!

But okay… I don’t know how to say this… without sounding awful… But I was attracted to so few people… I’m attracted to so many more people on Bumble. And it made me wonder if it was less about the people and more about how people were presenting themselves on this app that declares itself Serious.

Dani Janae: I honestly think people are AWFUL at presenting themselves on apps. I see so many deranged smiles in my area. It’s like okay how did you end up choosing that picture???

Drew: I think what frustrates me about a lot of peoples’ approach to dating apps is the lack of fun. Like even if you want a serious monogamous relationship that’s going to start with a flirtation and a spark right? So let’s start by flirting and joking and it being casual even if eventually we want it to be more serious. ESPECIALLY then maybe!

Dani Janae: Agreed. I see a lot of profiles with this staunch, I’m looking for my wife, energy and I just want to scream “loosen up!”

Drew: Then again I am at a point in this whole dating during the pandemic thing where I’m like… okay other people seem to be doing it better than me maybe I’m the wrong one lol

Dani Janae: I think I’m very hot and funny and it’s very curious to me how I’m not doing better as well lol

Drew: I just do so much better on Twitter and Instagram than any dating app… Which I realize is not the intended message of this series!

Dani Janae: My IG dms are full but with lots of private accounts and 21 year olds.

Drew: Hahahaha. Okay so the question is before I delete Hinge should I message this one person I matched with and respond to this other person who responded to my opener. I’m just so tired!

Shelli: Message – Respond – Delete.

Dani Janae: I’m gonna say yes for both and see where it goes.

Shelli: I think all in all Hinge is honest and true about what it’s been designed to do. It’s def an app for folks who want to date with intent — but also, everyone should lighten the fuck up on it and quit yelling and mean-mugging while you look for the girl of your dreams.

Drew: Okay I have messaged the people lmao

Dani Janae: Lol niceeee

Drew: They have three days and then I’m deleting. Sorry, Hinge.

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Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Bumble and Date On a Deadline

Dating Download is an ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on Bumble.

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Drew: Bumble was my go-to dating app summer of 2019. It basically felt like Tinder but I was tired of Tinder so I made the switch. On Tinder my matches and convos would pile up so I liked on Bumble how people disappeared unless I chatted with them. But then Fall of 2019 I deleted all my apps and when I returned I returned to the simplicity of Tinder.

Shelli: I went on Bumble for the first time almost two years ago. It was the app I went to right after my break-up, I was into it because I heard that there were a lot of local dykes on it and cishet men didn’t cloud up the queer girl side. I only lasted like two days because I saw a mutual friend of my ex on it.

Drew: Oh noooooo!

Dani Janae: I was always under the impression that Bumble was an app geared more toward straight couples, like I had heard there was a rule that women have to message first and I was like “well with lesbians that is always the case” and it felt for me like the app thought it was super revolutionary but really wasn’t.

Shelli: lol WITH LESBIANS THAT IS ALWAYS THE CASE!

Drew: Yeah I feel like a lot of queer women avoid it because the basic conceit of the app doesn’t really work for us. But the part where SOMEONE has to message within 24 hours or else the match goes away is still applicable.

Shelli: I liked that though this time around, the time stamp element. Mostly because no one fucking messages when you match on any app. So I enjoy that it’s sort of a push to be like “If you are actually into it you need to just go ahead and at least say hi”. But, for those that still need more time and also have expendable income, I like that they give you the option to try again and restart the convo — for a fee. I might start doing that IRL — charging a fee to let folks try again.

Dani Janae: Oh I didn’t even notice that feature! And lmao right? New rules for 2021.

Drew: Hahaha I never took advantage of that. As far as I’m concerned if I didn’t want to message in 24 hours then I didn’t want to message. Except I matched with someone on my birthday and then was immediately embarrassed that I was on Bumble on my birthday/Christmas Eve so I let that one expire even though she was cute.

Shelli: No! Why embarrassed?! You were celebrating!

Dani Janae: The time stamp element of it is really cool especially for women like me that always find ourselves making the first move.

Shelli: I was just going to ask if y’all made the first move on the app?

Drew: Oh I usually make the first move.

Dani Janae: In one instance she moved faster than me but it was to tell me she didn’t think we were a good fit lol

Drew: What!!! She went out of her way to message you that??

Dani Janae: Yes! She was like “I see you don’t want kids and that’s a deal-breaker for me” uhhh ok

Shelli: The option to unmatch is – right there. Her not just using it seems wild to me. Also, that goes to show that I don’t think people look at the little fact bubbles on the profile. I know I blew past them quite a few times.

I think I only filled out a few because the answers to the choices were hella vague. I did fill out my profile with my typical 3 sentence paragraph and although I like the option to attach my IG, I opted to just drop my handle in the profile instead.

But on the point of messaging first, I am almost always the first one to drop a line first.

Dani Janae: Yes I’m on a few dating apps and the questions/prompts on bumble leave a lot to be desired. I think the interface makes it easy to just swipe and go instead of scrolling to actually learn about a potential match

Drew: Maybe I’m weird but I take so much time thinking of my prompt responses! And I get annoyed when people’s answers are boring!

Dani Janae: I do too! I wanna give people a big taste of who I am upfront so they know what they are getting into.

Shelli: See, I think on the next dating app we try, I’m def going to attempt to do the prompts. It feels like the folks I match with on Bumble and other apps that have a hella filled out profile use that as an excuse to not chat. They have been like, “Well, that’s on my profile” and I’m like, “Ok I know but like — go into detail about why you love the CTRL album so much — I just wanna know.”

I operate in a, less on the profile more in the chat, kinda space.

Dani Janae: Definitely, gotta save a little somethin for the conversation.

Drew: I think because I message first sometimes I’m like… if you don’t give me anything in your profile what can I message you? I don’t just do “heys”. Especially right now dating app convos can feel so pointless and strained so if I don’t go into a convo with a topic then I’m sort of not interested. Of course, if someone wants to have a minimal profile and then message ME that’s totally fine.

How did your convos go?

Dani Janae: I had a great convo for awhile with one person but I think she dipped out, the rest of the conversations I had were with people I already knew from previous dating/friendship stuff and that was nice, but I wanted more.

Drew: I matched with a good amount of people who I was into and had brief convos with some of them. I’ve let most fizzle though…

Right now is both a great time for us to be reviewing these apps and also the worst time! Because I’m not sure I can blame Bumble?? I’ve been having major pandemic dating fatigue the past month or so. But there are like three people I’d totally have asked on a date in normal times.

Dani Janae: Definitely feeling the dating fatigue. Like I can be enamored one minute then completely bored the next!

Drew: I’m not sure if matches expiring is better for that fatigue or worse?

On the one hand it prevents things from piling up, on the other maybe you match with someone while not in the mood but would be at a later time.

Shelli: Most of my convos fizzled out pretty quick. I did let quite a few matches expire but no real chemistry with anyone. One girl I did match with was pretty dope and I got kinda high and watched her play games on Twitch for about an hour. I was too scared to send lewd messages in the Twitch chat so I just sent them to her phone and watched her reaction — it was pretty great.

Drew: That sounds fun!

Dani Janae: That’s so cute!

Shelli: Oh you know what was dope about the match process? Bumble gives you I think, 2 free filters. Usually filtering is a paid zone but I def liked picking and choosing which ones to turn on and off.

Drew: Which did you use?

Shelli: I think I fucked around a lot with the star sign and height — I can no longer allow Libras to disturb my peace.

Drew: Hahahaha

Dani Janae: Lmao hear that

Shelli: There is one Libra in my life right now that is chill but other than that — absolutely the fuck not.

Ok, let’s get into cishet men territory — did y’all come across a lot or nah?

Drew: I would say yes but slightly less than Tinder?

Dani Janae: Definitely less than Tinder for me and way fewer couples.

Shelli: I got more couples on Bumble for sure — which, I don’t necessarily mind but I wish it were more queer girl couples looking for thirds because that is a train I’m trying to ride. I wonder if there is an app dedicated to that?

Drew: I’ve also wondered that!

Dani Janae: God what I wouldn’t give to be romanced by a hot lesbian couple.

Drew: I’m not sure if this is an LA thing but the average person on Bumble seems to be hotter but more boring than the average person on Tinder??

Dani Janae: People on Tinder do tend to have more… character even if they don’t have much on their profile. I think the level of hotness is even across both platforms in my city.

Shelli: I don’t remember Tinder much! There were some hotties on Bumble here in Chicago but most of them were white women who wore Cubs hats and that’s saying something. On the POC side of things, there weren’t too many Black folks but there were quite a few Latinx folks and I dug that.

So far the most diverse dating app scene was TAIMI for me.

Dani Janae: Same!

Shelli: I also wondered if I did pay for premium, would there be a way for me to only see/be seen by people of color.

Dani Janae: Yo that premium fee? A little too much!

Drew: It’s interesting that Bumble gives you an exact number of people who have swiped right on you that you could see if you subscribed to premium. Why won’t they show me those people as I’m swiping though!

Shelli: For real, even the one week was quite a bit. I was hopeful that they would give a trial to test it out but it wasn’t offered to me.

Dani Janae: I want an app to show me who likes me with no fee because it’s my business.

Drew: It’s just confusing when it says there are no more people in my area but I can see 40 people have swiped right on me. Does that mean they aren’t in my area?

Shelli: People ran out in my area so often that I had to stay off for a day or two and then raise or lower my distance and ages.

Oh, also I tried out the BFF!I actually love the concept of the BFF side of things. It’s the exact same as the Love matching but you are looking for a friend! I ran into the EXACT same problem over there though — I would match and the other person wouldn’t respond to a convo. You would think shooting your friendship shot was easier but not at all.

Dani Janae: I didn’t even notice the BFF side. Is everyone just burnt out on human connection?

Shelli: I think so, especially around the holidays on these apps is already wild but during this time too — I know I am a bit.

Drew: It’s New Years Eve and I have the flu and I’m staring at the little “Your Move” icon on all these messages and like …….. god I need this pandemic to end.

Shelli: Do y’all think it fluctuates? The want to connect on these apps and then it going away maybe shortly after?

Drew: I think what’s hard is some nights I’m really in the mood to chat. But someone doesn’t respond until the next day and by then chatting with a stranger on a dating app is the last thing I want to do.

Dani Janae: Yeah I think so. I get on a swiping streak and then after awhile it feels kinda hopeless.

Drew: Generally I like Bumble, though. I was banned from Tinder so as long as I’m in a space where I want a dating app on my phone I’ll keep Bumble as just a sort of basic go-to.

Shelli: I did like it too. It didn’t feel as scary or overwhelming as the others we have tried. It’s simple, doesn’t have all the games, gives you the option to share a lot to just enough about yourself and even lets you backtrack if you need in a few ways.

Dani Janae: I like it too. It’s at least a little different than what I’m used to and I can appreciate that!

Shelli: Damn it, I’m gonna hit four martinis tonight and re-download, I just fucking know it.

Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Lex and Get Sexy With Words

Dating Download is a new ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you a review of the Lex dating app.

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Drew: Maybe we should start by saying whether these ads were our first Lex ads or if we’ve used Lex before.

Shelli: This wasn’t my first Lex ad. I made one when it was originally over on Instagram as Personals. I honestly forget how I discovered it but I think someone may have sent an article my way about it and I was hella interested. I kind of really miss the original format and the days when it was over on Instagram — I understand the need for the separation and for it to hold its dykey own in the App Store — but you kind of end up on Instagram anyway.

What about y’all? First time diving into the Lexicon or already been there, done that?

Drew: This actually was my first Lex ad! I followed Personals because my ex was really into it. We talked a lot about what our ads would be if we were dating, but we were monogamous so it was all speculative. I remember rarely seeing ads that I liked and then when I did I’d click on the handle and not be attracted to the person. So when we broke up creating an ad wasn’t high on my dating app to do list. And when Lex was created I didn’t jump on it.

I joked that I was too shallow for Lex, but I actually don’t think it’s shallow to get a lot of vibes and energy from a person’s picture! Anyway, a month ago I was banned from Tinder and tweeted about it and Jen Richards told me to join Lex and she met her fiancée on Lex so who was I to argue?

Dani Janae: This was not my first Lex ad. I’ve actually done many. I was very into it when it first became a thing on Instagram and loved the attention and followers I would get as a result, but I rarely met anyone I was interested in dating because they were usually too far away.

I got on Lex pretty soon after the app launched because I loved the idea of a text-based platform and being wooed by someone’s wit over their face. I’ve gone on a couple Lex dates that usually ended in mutual rejections/silence after so I haven’t met my wife yet but I’m still hopeful.

Drew: Oh yeah I should clarify back in Personals days I did find people who seemed cool but they were all far away. I didn’t know yet that falling for people in other states and countries is actually a major part of queer dating. lol

Shelli: Drew, I agree — I don’t find it shallow to get vibes from someone’s photo. Needing to be physically attracted to someone doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person. Back when Lex was Personals on IG, I originally just read the ads and didn’t have any intent on reaching out to anyone as I was fresh out of a breakup, but when I posted one and got responses I immediately went to their profiles to see if the attraction was there.

Drew: Right! But here’s the thing. I am a writer so actually as I started writing this ad I was like oh I like being able to present myself this way…

Shelli: Dani I know that you are seeking a Taurus wife, I can promise you that your witty, hot, Taurean queen is just an ad or two away.

Dani Janae: Oh yeah I always check IG to see if the person is hot or not. Thank you for your support Shelli!

Shelli: That’s exactly where I was about to go with it.

Drew: Soooooo many people don’t include their instagram handles though!

Dani Janae: So many!

Drew: I simply am not going to message or respond to someone if I have no idea what they look like. Who has time for that! Their ad would have to be like next level amazing.

Shelli: I think we all had the same response to that — no IG handle, no response. And I don’t think it was just for reasons of physical attraction at least it wasn’t for me.

Drew: No you can learn so much about a person by how they present themself online!

Shelli: I have the same worry I have on any other dating app — a bunch of cis men will find a way to sneak into my lesbian inbox. On Lex though it’s easier for them to hide.

Drew: Ah that’s a good point. I’m so trusting I hadn’t even considered catfishing. I was just like oh I need a vibe. But that’s really true!

Dani Janae: Oooo I never thought of that!

Drew: I think if someone messaged me and their message was really good I might reply without an insta, but their message would have to be really really good. It takes energy to have that initial dating app convo. If I don’t know if the attraction is there why would I waste either of our time?

Shelli: When I was creating my ad it wasn’t necessarily to attract dates but, as Dani said earlier, it’s nice to have some attention. So I didn’t really worry about settings when it came to age or location but I did want to see if people could follow directions. The app being so text based you’d think they would be able to but only 3 of the responses I got did what I told them to and gave me a compliment or told me about skincare.

Drew: Come on people !

Shelli: I wanted to talk about the feel that y’all got from the app.

Lex is supposed to be an app that is mostly directed towards lesbians. When it was originally released, so many of us, including myself, were excited because it felt like we were finally getting an app that would allow us to cruise, flirt and, honestly, fuck. Gay men have so many of these apps (Grindr, Scruff, etc) but they aren’t really available for us. I felt that original wave of hookup excitement but as time passed and I would check Lex here and there — it went from people posting about wanting to get fucked for the entire weekend their roommate was away to looking for someone to hold hands with for 7 hours straight — and this was in a pre-COVID world.

When I got back on this time for our review, it kind of felt the same. I know we live in a time where we can’t be physical but it felt like the app was full of sweetness and not enough sex — did yall get the same vibe?

My last thought on it though – I’m not sure if an app did come out where It would tell me if a dyke was 0.08 miles away from me I would use it. Mainly for safety reasons and worrying that cis men would hop on and try to do me harm in some way. Ugh, it fucking sucks to have that fear.

Drew: Okay so I love when I’m wrong and I have to say that I was wrong about Lex. Because I sort of love it?? I think I underestimated after so much time on Tinder how great it would feel to be on an app that really feels like ours. I don’t disagree with your assessment. I’d say most of the ads are either like “hold my hand gently” or “stick your fist inside me and call me daddy” and sometimes I’m like both things sound cool but can we like get a bit more about you?? So practically speaking I guess I haven’t had the best luck but I’m just so charmed by the whole thing!

Two out of the three people I talked to are people I previously knew in community and it was sort of great to “run into them” especially during the pandemic when that can’t happen otherwise.

I will say… I sort of wish there was a limit of one ad per person per month instead of SIX. Sometimes the feed gets clogged with one lonely queer looking for some cuddles posting over and over.

Dani Janae: Shelli, I feel that 100%. The first months of Lex were frenzied and horny and I loved it so much. Even if I didn’t match with anyone I loved the energy. Now it’s people talking about longing and dread and looking for roommates? The shift has been so disheartening.

The new lesbian stereotype is that we’re all cottagecore softies that just want to snuggle but I’m a slut who wants to spit in someone’s mouth and I KNOW that’s hard in a COVID world but it’s not impossible.

Drew: Maybe LA is better?? It’s been a real mix for me. Or maybe I just don’t know how good it was in its beginning.

I do have a few ummmmmm notes that mostly fall into like app experience stuff. I wish that you could mute a profile. Like okay I looked at this person’s insta and I’m not into them MUTE never see them again on Lex. And I wish there was a way to keep track of where you are in the scroll? I guess if you could mark an ad as seen and then it disappears from your timeline that would help.

Dani Janae: Being able to mute would be lovely, especially for people that post lots of ads that I don’t vibe with

Shelli: Drew, WOW. Yes, Yes, Yes to muting a profile. As I was scrolling, you are right — I would see 5 different ads from the same account asking for the same type of hugs in different verbiage.

What I did really like was the ease of flagging or reporting a profile, which I unfortunately had to do a few times.

Drew: I also think the messaging feature in general isn’t great. I feel like pretty quickly I want to be like okay either this is a no or let’s move this to texting or insta. I wish also you could have a setting where you don’t see ads from people who don’t attach their insta! Like I think there are these really simple tweaks that would drastically increase the time I spend on Lex. I would even expand my settings beyond LA and look for queers all over like in Personals days if the app was more user friendly and I could narrow who I’m seeing more.

Dani Janae: Would agree with that point about a setting to not see profiles without insta attached. I feel like Lex is going for this minimalist set up but it could benefit from having more settings.

Shelli: I think the app is trying to lean into the whole vibe of back in the day where you can sit on your couch and circle the ones you want to respond to while having your morning coffee, but in doing that and making it minimal they left behind some of the features you have to focus on to create a good dating app experience.

Drew: Yes, totally. The thing is we DO have more options now and while the throwback quality is nice in some ways I think there can be a middle ground that takes some useful features from other apps.

Shelli: I’ll just go ahead and say it — I wish they would revert back to placing the ads on Instagram.

Drew: I wish they’d pick like a few ads a day to post on Insta at least. haha

Shelli: Can we chat about the POC representation on the app?

Dani Janae: If I’m not mistaken I remember there was a moment where personals asked you to put if you were white or not in your profile. It was after they got into trouble for lack of POC representation and a Personals for QPOCs was made separate from the original leadership. The dating app crowd seems to lean very white in my area and Lex is no different

Shelli: I’m in Chicago and my responses were also mostly from non POC folks. It wasn’t surprising but it was disappointing. It also goes back to not wanting to see people who don’t have an instagram in their profile — or who do but happen to be private and have Louis Belcher set as their profile photo.

Can’t you only sign up using and IG?

Drew: I’m not sure if you need an insta to sign up? But I do think considering Personals started with needing an insta bringing that back would be kind of nice !

Shelli: Last thing to chat about — did anyone have any connections?

Drew: Well, okay, so one of the people I chatted with didn’t have an insta attached. Hahaha. But I already knew her!

I talked to three people and ignored a whole lot of others. I think some of that is I’m just in a pickier than my usual picky place dating app wise right now.

There was only one stranger I talked to, I reached out based on her ad, and we had a nice chat, but then it fizzled as it often does especially in a pandemic. With Covid cases rising it feels even less likely to actually meet up with someone right now and that can make dating in general feel kind of hopeless.

So it’s weird because I feel pro-Lex after this experiment but it didn’t actually WORK in the most traditional sense. I’m going to keep it on my phone though and continue to check it a couple times a week.

Dani Janae: I didn’t have any luck with Lex this round. I’m blaming the pandemic. Oh I did match with someone my friend hooked up with and we decided it was in our best interest not to pursue each other. lol

I think I’ve just gotten very picky and I know what I want. So I don’t waste time entertaining could-be’s. Lex had a lot of could-be’s but was mostly flat out “no’s.”

Shelli: I ignored quite a few ads too, mostly because like I said, people couldn’t follow simple directions of giving me a compliment and telling me about plants. What did happen though was the few black folks I chatted with I decided to invite to the care kit giveaway that I had and some of them showed up! It was really dope to turn that experience into one where we could connect on a different kind of level and that it happened because we met on Lex.

Drew: Yes! I think because it feels like a queer space I feel very fluid re: outcome with people. I guess I feel that on all apps, but it seems more likely I’d make a friend on Lex than Tinder.

Shelli: I agree, it’s more of a friendship based app now more than anything and even though I am glad to have the connections that I did make that’s not what a dating app should be known for.

Drew: I’m also absolutely posting my ad on my insta when this review comes out because even if Lex is no longer on Insta I sure am and my hot mutuals should be reminded that I am single.

Dani Janae: Co-signing that

Shelli: If you’re looking for a friend vs. a fuck (virtual or non) then maybe it’s the place for you but damn, first we lose lesbian bars and now dating apps too… WHEN WILL IT END.

Drew: I’ll be interested to see what Lex looks like post-pandemic. I think even the most vanilla cottagecore of our community might be feeling wild in 2022.

Shelli: Or maybe it will turn into some sort of marketplace where people are bartering for couches and vaccines.

Dani Janae: I’m also interested. Hopefully everyone will just be overcome with lust and want to fuck again.

Drew: We can dream!

Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try TAIMI, a Whole Ass Social Media Network

Dating Download is a new ongoing series where Shelli, Dani and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on TAIMI.

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What’s the app?

TAIMI is the next app up in Dating Download. Launched two years ago as a dating app exclusively for gay men, it’s been rebranded and now claims itself to be “The worlds’ largest and most inclusive LGBTQ+ platform featuring a social network and a dating service”. The app allows you to create an entire social media style profile so you can do things other than swipe and match with potential dates. After you set up your profile you can create stories, post updates to your feed and you can even go live if you want to get into some real-time flirting.

Shelli:

TAIMI is a whole ass social media network. After I filled out my profile it was asking me If I wanted to post a story or go live like I was on Instagram. I kind of just wanted to get to swiping but instead it sort of kept encouraging me to fill out more information on my profile. When I am filling out my bio I like to keep it to 3 lines and then drop my Instagram, It’s kind of cheating as it’s usually what I do to get around having a premium membership, but I’ve stopped doing that recently because I’m just easing up on the digital access I allow people to have to me.

I started to put up my pictures of course and then something happened, IT REJECTED LIKE 5 OF MY PICTURES! I wasn’t showing too much titty in them but I guess it wasn’t feeling my art school style selfies. After that I started playing around on the app, swiping, reading posts and my favorite part — watching people go live.

When people go live on Instagram, a lot of the time they just want attention. Before all the brands started curating an IG live schedule due to COVID, when I saw people go live they were just putting on make-up and acting like they didn’t like the compliments. on TAIMI folks were not just accepting them but thriving on them and even making cute connections. I spent A LOT of time popping in and out lives, it was like if Love Connection, OnlyFans, and TikTok had a baby and I was the babysitter who sat for free because I loved them so much.

The number of black people on this app was also pretty amazing. When I was swiping I mostly saw POC people and very rarely got any cis men in my stack — Praise Be! TAIMI has groups that you can join that meet specific interest which I think is dope because it’s a way to zero in on people who are into exactly what you are looking for, it could mean less time on the app and more time enjoying people off of it.

Drew:

Right away Taimi made me choose between “female” and “transgender female” to be displayed prominently on my profile. As I said in our last review, I generally don’t like to include my gender on my profile, and I am female and transgender female. When will dating apps learn the word cis?? Supposedly there’s an option to not include any gender but selecting it doesn’t work as evidenced by my profile preview and that every profile I’ve seen has had it displayed. I’m not trying to get hung up on this, but it did sort of influence my entire enthusiasm for the app.

But here’s the trade-off: there are so many trans women on this app! Maybe having transgender female as a separate gender option makes them more heavily suggest trans women than an app like Tinder? It feels complicated for me that the trade-off is knowing plenty of people are actively de-selecting trans women in their settings. Good riddance, I suppose. But it feels weird for an app to openly condone bigotry in that way.

Anyway, it’s great how many trans women there are and that’s really the only thing keeping the app on my phone. I can’t see myself ever maintaining a full social media profile like the app requires for its full use. I already have Twitter and Instagram! I guess there’s something to be said about the app explicitly being for dating, but this slight removal of ambiguity doesn’t justify a whole separate social media account to worry about. Also, personally, maybe this is bad, but if I slide into someone’s DMs on Twitter or Instagram I’m not even doing so necessarily with the intent on dating them. Maybe! But mostly it means I want to get to know them better. What that turns into will depend on our interactions. And if I were to invest time into Taimi I still think that’s how I’d feel! If I don’t know you, I have no way of knowing if I want to date you or befriend you or never talk to you again.

Some practical things. I don’t like that you have to expand to see the entirety of someone’s picture. It’s nice that it doesn’t force you to crop, but this results in the appearance of a weird crop if you’re just quickly navigating. I also don’t like that it notifies you when people visit your profile or even that people like you that you don’t like. I don’t need the ego boost! Knowing people like me who I don’t like just makes me feel sad.

The feature I do really like is the ability to post videos. Watching a 15 second video of someone talking tells you so much more than a photo. I love getting that window into someone’s energy.

Oh! Also, like Shelli it rejected all my sexy photos. They weren’t even nudes! Just like a little bit of cleavage and it rejected it. I don’t see the point in a social media dating app if their guidelines are even stricter than the already strict rules of Instagram.

Dani Janae:

Reviewing TAIMI was my idea. I found out about it on a twitter thread where the OP was asking what apps poc were using to find hookups; I was curious as someone looking for hookups but also looking for my Taurus wife (my DMs are open). I will say that is one thing that has impressed me about TAIMI off the bat, the number of black women on it is way more than I’ve encountered on any other dating app. This is a draw for me, I don’t necessarily exclude white women from my dating pool but I highly prefer to date other women of color.

I find the app itself to be pretty sleek and sexy. Something about the black layout really does it for me. I like that you get a full view of a person’s photos and can swipe left or right to dismiss/match. One thing I don’t necessarily like is that you get a notification when anyone likes you. You also get notified when someone views your page like its linkedin. Which means they get a notification when you’ve viewed their page. I like to do my creeping in privacy so that feature is one I could certainly do without. TAIMI sends you notifications when someone is near you, which I suppose is very similar to Grindr but it freaked me out a little bit. Like I once passed someone in a store and then got a notification about it moments later. It’s just not the best part about the app you know?

The app is like Shelli once described it, “facebook, instagram, and tinder all in one.” You can post stories and statuses, add captions to your many pics. There is so much going on with this app, maybe a little too much. I get the impulse to want to set yourself apart and go beyond just being a dating app to being a social networking platform. But seeing as it was pitched to me as a hookup app, I don’t really use much of the other features except for swiping. I do like this app. I’ve matched with a few people and started some conversations that could be going somewhere, I’m not sure yet. I do want to reiterate that the demographic for this app is super diverse, it’s definitely within my comfort age range unlike XO and seems to have way more promising matches.

Shelli:

You will get a lot out of this app if you have the time to dedicate to it. It’s essentially adding another social media profile to the others I am sure you already have, and actually keeping up with it.

It’s not as easy as swipe and match, there are about four steps in between the two when you’re using TAIMI. The people I matched with were asking why I hadn’t posted to my wall, or when I would go live, they were wanting more information about me to be on the app which was a fair ask. I am used to asking for or giving out my IG or Twitter handle by the 3rd message so the person I’ve matched with can go there to learn more about me. TAIMI is set up so that you don’t have to do that. But just like with other social media, you have to be diligent and actually participate on the app if what you are seeking out of it is interaction and connection.

So while this one isn’t for me because I am not looking to maintain another social profile, it’s allure is attractive. I got to call myself a “Circuit Queen Activist Top” and while I’m still not entirely sure what that means I am forever grateful to TAIMI for introducing me to it.

Drew:

I feel like I can’t really criticize the success of this app, because I haven’t invested the time to use it thoroughly. My profile isn’t much different than my standard Tinder profile. I didn’t even record a video despite liking that feature! I think it might just not be for me. It’s a bummer, because I wish Tinder had this many trans women and I could see myself returning to it someday for that reason alone. But mid-pandemic I just don’t have the energy.

I really, really, really wish they would change their gender settings. I really, really do.

Dani Janae:

Again I’ll say I do like this app. I need to be better about using its other features as well as the more hookup centered ones. I think it’s a cool concept and stylistic is an app I enjoy way more than any I’ve encountered. I will say it was unusually difficult to change my settings because…I couldn’t find them lol. There are so many avenues and pathways to go down because of TAIMI’s many functions that I think basic things like adjusting your age range get lost in the shuffle. If you have the time to dedicate to exploring all of its functions it will be well worth the download.

Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try the XO Dating App So You Don’t Have to

Dating Download is a new ongoing series where Shelli, Dani and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on XO.

But first, why are they even doing this, and what can you get out of it?

Here’s Shelli to tell you:

Aside from being able to work with Dani & Drew and creating one of my new favorite slack channels — I love dating and I love learning about all aspects of it. I give a lot of sex and dating advice and need to stay up on what’s occurring in both of those spheres. I have used dating apps in the past but not as my main source of meeting people to kick it with. I am very comfortable going up to the person at the party that has caught my attention and flirting with them until we at least exchange Instagram handles. When I go dating in the digital realm I use social media instead. Sliding in DMs and quote tweet flirting to my hearts’ content.

By using social media as a pseudo dating app in the past, I was able to get a little background on the person beyond their photo and a few lines in a profile. When you’re on the apps they can be a major miss when you’re a queer, lesbian identifying, black woman. You don’t know who is fetishizing you, if someone is trying to use you as a tool to undo their learned racist behaviors or honestly if a girl is going to match with you just to say 3 messages later her cishet boyfriend just wants to see her with a girl.

The pandemic started basically at the beginning of outside seasons. The opportunity to go for walks and lust in person at a distance was more attainable. But now that we are about to learn what Miss Rona’s twice removed cousin Influenza is about to bring to the party we need to be extra careful. So since using apps is truly the safest way to meet people and fulfill your dating needs, I wanna see what it’s really like out here in these digital streets.

Shelli’s settings:

Distance – 50 Miles // I won’t feel bad about not giving you gas money up to this distance.

Age – 32-45 // The closer to 45 the better.

Drew:

I am fascinated by dating apps. I prefer to meet people in person and I find I connect with people easier when meeting them in person — or at least on Instagram and Twitter — but the fascination with dating apps continues. I think I like the reminder of all the people out in the world. I like to screenshot absurd profiles and send them to my friends. I love the excitement of a match, the fun of the first flirts. I’ve only met two people on dating apps that led to good experiences and neither was anything serious, but I continue to love the act of using dating apps.

Pre-pandemic dating apps were very much just a supplement to meeting people in person. But now it’s basically all we have except DM slides. The past six months I’ve been on Tinder constantly. I’ve met so many people — people who I’ve talked to for hours via text, on the phone, on FaceTime and Zoom. Ultimately, sure, I guess I’m looking to fall in love and be like wow can’t believe that happened on Tinder. But I don’t really expect it. Even during the pandemic it’s more the fun of possibility and meeting a new person and having a reason to put on makeup and get butterflies in my stomach.

One of my two positive dating app experiences came from when I was reviewing a shitty dating app earlier this year. So while I’d love to say that I’m just participating in this for research or because it’s fun to work with Shelli and Dani, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a tiny voice in my head that thinks whether an app is good or not I might meet someone. And for that to happen under the guise of working? Well, I am a Capricorn!

Drew’s settings:

Distance – 10 miles // I used to have my distance settings wider because LA is so spread out, but when someone travels too far it increases the stakes. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex with somebody because they drove an hour to see me. I’ll save my long distance flirting and pining for Instagram and Twitter.

Age – 26-44 // I match with way more people when I lower the age and occasionally I do — I think maybe people in their early 20s are more comfortable with transness — but I’ve always been someone who prefers to date older. My ideal is 28-34. It’s not that I would never date someone a year or two younger than me, but I think it’s unlikely I’d meet them on an app.

Dani Janae:

I’m very interested in dating and dating culture, especially the stigma that exists around meeting people online. I find that in people my age and older, we were around for the genesis of dating apps. From those old ads for Match.com to the fevered, swiping culture we exist in now. Things have changed vastly but there is still this feeling of “oh you met on an app? As if meeting people in person has more merit and guarantees a longer lasting relationship.

I myself am an app hound. Everytime a new one drops I’m on it. I find online dating and apps to be more accessible to me. I technically have four jobs, most of them being in creative fields. That kind of work takes a lot out of me and at the end of the day the last thing I often want to do is go be around other people. Dating apps give me the unique and tailored experience of getting one on one interactions with people who I think are hot and interesting. In fact we’ve both mutually agreed we find each other hot and interesting. Much of the guess work is done! I think it’s so cool and fun, even when I don’t enjoy every aspect of the app. When that happens I at least have something to tweet about.

I’m interested in reviewing these apps because hey, why not? It might help someone with a busy life such as my own narrow down what app works best for their lifestyle. I’m so interested in seeing how friendly these apps are to people identify like me: fat, black, lesbian women, and those that don’t hold those identities. Now that we are in a pandemic, apps have become my primary way of communicating with people, friends or current/potential lovers. My twitter and instagram DMs are always open but I like committing myself to the dating app experience. I’m definitely hoping to find someone during this little experiment so we’ll see how well that goes. Will I find love? You’ll have to stay tuned.

Dani Janae’s Settings:

Age: 26 – 47, I’m 27 so 25-27 is like the lowest I will go comfortably. The older the better in my opinion so when a person gets close to that 47 I’m not concerned.

Distance: 159 miles, I had to go out this far because there was no one near me. Even with these settings I get a person come across every couple days and then nothing for a while.

What’s the app?

This week we are reviewing the new dating app XO! A dating app that wants to rewrite the rules of finding love online by using games as its main source of helping users find connections. It’s one of the newer dating apps on the scene and what truly intrigued us most was their promise of prioritizing inclusivity. The creators encourage playfulness as a way to build a more authentic bond from the very start. We downloaded, added our photos and got to flirting – well, attempted to anyway. Read on for our reviews!!

Shelli:

I was expecting XO to be sort of like all the others but with the added help of using a game as an icebreaker instead of, I don’t know — saying hi?

Right from the start, I loved the minimalism of the app. It’s pretty clean, the graphics are simple but cute and it’s very user friendly. After that, most of it went downhill for me.

When I started swiping I ran out of options pretty fast. My settings aren’t all that wild so I just chalked it up to it being a newer app on the scene that may not have had many users yet. When I opened up my settings a bit more though, I started getting cishet men in my deck of users to swipe on. When I signed up, I specifically selected to not see or be seen by that demographic but soon they were all I was seeing, which made me want to not use the app anymore and question its inclusive stance.

I rearranged my settings so that I could match with Drew and actually play some of the games. The few we played wouldn’t exactly encourage me to start up a conversation though, it felt more like I was on Words with Friends as opposed to a dating app. The quizzes were fun, they reminded me of the early Buzzfeed days! Some of them, like “Which dictator would you be?” and “What kind of emotional terrorist are you?” might need to be removed though.

Drew:

Over the years I’ve used Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Her, and Fiori — but only the first two for significant periods of time. Generally I just stick to Tinder. It has the most people and I find that it can be whatever you make of it and I like that. But it’s obviously not the most palatable place for a queer trans woman and I’m interested in higher concept apps so I’m always intrigued by new options.

XO’s concept is that games can function as an icebreaker over a potentially awkward first message. Whether you’re someone who is hesitant to message first or not I do think there’s something to the kinds of original conversations that can be born from an activity. It’s why pre-pandemic museum dates were my favorite kind of date.

Every app calls for different pictures and a different tone so when I first try a new app I may default to my Tinder usuals, but then I’ll quickly adjust. With XO I decided to cut one of my five pictures and not add a bunch of info beyond the bio I use on Tinder. I stopped selecting a gender on apps long ago because “transgender female” always felt like a warning or an apology and it should be neither. My transness is important to me and it’ll likely come up quickly, but for me personally having it on my profile centered it in a way that started to feel wrong. I think I’m pretty visibly trans anyway. But sometimes I do match with people and when they realize I’m trans they unmatch. I think maybe part of me wants to experience that to validate what I can sometimes only sense. That said I did appreciate that XO left space to write in any gender you want.

Dani Janae:

In general, I have very little hope for dating apps. The last person I had a meaningful relationship with I met because she was at an event I performed at. My last few months of dating app interactions have left me certain that I won’t find anyone on an app and will have to go back to meeting people in person. Well, in the middle of a pandemic with all my performances getting cancelled or going online, I’m heavily back on the apps. I usually keep it to Tinder so I was super excited to try a new app with a different gimmick than other ones I’ve seen.

The general layout of XO is pretty cute. I like that it moves away from the swipe right, swipe left model of other apps, even though my fingers have that impulse when I’m scrolling. I think the font is a little cutesy but I’m picky about that kind of stuff. I do like that there are games, I’ve only played a few of them, they take up a pretty small amount of time and would be a great ice breaker. I haven’t actually matched with anyone yet so I’m hopeful to see what its like to hinge a conversation around one of these games.

One thing that might be controversial but that I really liked was the option to put your race and ethnicity on your profile. As someone that strongly prefers to date other black women or WOC, it’s nice to have someone self identify so I don’t have to do the guess work. It could of course. My big issue with the app is that there’s no one one it, and the people that are on it are too young for me. I got big mommy issues and love older women so putting my settings down to where they are was a big deal for me.

Shelli:

XO seems to be more for those who have a hard time starting a conversation, but if that’s everyone on the app I feel like y’all are just going to keep playing games and no one will actually talk, save for a LOL or two during a game.

The Wingman option, where an unknown third person is dropped into the chat to boost it if it stalls, seems like too much pressure and simply doesn’t translate well into a digital space. I do see it possibly encouraging people to not ghost and be more upfront about not continuing on if the initial interest doesn’t go past a few messages.

It also skews way younger, feels like it’s more for the TikTok youth of the world. The sort of app you use when a few friends are over and could use a cheap laugh after your 3rd Smirnoff Ice.

I prefer it if there were just one or two games; there are too many options and the games need to be more personality-based. You drawing a chicken and me guessing what it is will not help me learn if you’re going to look at me disgusted when I ask you to spit in my mouth.

This app isn’t for me; I don’t like the game aspect. It’s a bit too cutesy and unless you’re bored with swiping and just want to play literal games, then I doubt it will be for you either.

Drew:

I am not the target audience for this app for a couple reasons. 1) I agree with Shelli it definitely skews younger and 2) I’m not someone who is too scared to message people on dating apps.

THAT SAID. There are things about this app I like. Mainly I think the game aspect provides an activity and given the pandemic preventing normal dating an activity of any kind might be welcome. Shelli and I matched so we could play some of the games and I do think they’re the right brand of silly for this kind of thing. I also really like how your profile can prominently display your sun sign with a cute little graphic. In fact, I enjoyed all the cute little graphics and the general layout of the app.

The biggest problem right now is there just aren’t that many people on the app. I even majorly extended my age and distance settings and still quickly swiped through the available people. I’m not sure how a new dating app attracts the needed customers to make it usable but XO doesn’t feel like it’s there yet.

This would never be my app of choice, but I can see its appeal for people who feel trapped in dating app small talk — especially if more people joined.

Dani Janae:

Once this app gets more people on it I think it will be pretty fun. It’s easy to rely on the familiarity and the comfort of a Tinder or OkCupid but giving these smaller, more adventurous apps a try might be the way of the future. The app seems to be popping with the 18-21 age range, probably because of the game aspect, but once more people hear about it I’m sure the range will get a little wider. I’m still using other apps way more than this one, and as I’ve said, haven’t found a match yet so it definitely won’t be my go to but it has potential.