dancing with the stars Archives

“Dancing With the Stars” Fantasies I’ve Had About Various Phases of My Queer Life

Look, I’m going to be straight up with you. I recently decided to watch the long-running reality dance competition series Dancing with the Stars and became somewhat obsessed. Because escapism and romanticizing my life are my go-to coping mechanisms, this really doesn’t surprise me. I always dreamed of partner-dancing with fabulous costumes and a roaring crowd, so I immediately wanted to share my lighthearted daydreams with you.

However, this quickly became a vessel for bipanic. The reason it’s “panic” and not just bisexual wonderfulness is because I’ve never really identified that way before. I want to dance with none other than Mr. Captain America himself (do I want to be him or fuck him, you know? yes). I’m not here to unpack my own identity, but I find it funny that I’m discovering a new part of my sexuality through a dance show geared toward middle-aged Midwestern moms.

While I must admit I was a dancer for truly a hot second, I am FAR from capable of the moves on Dancing with the Stars. In my dream world, someone asks me to magically dance to the songs that represent the phases of my queer awakening, complete with costumes I get to design and a partner I choose.

So, may I present, my phases of queerness as told by Dancing with the Stars fantasies.

“Can I Have This Dance” from High School Musical 3

This movie was all the hype in my 8th grade class, and this scene had all the girls swooning over Zac Efron. It’s the perfect alchemy of high school romance: sneaking away, dancing on a rooftop in the rain, a promposal. We all wanted this to be our high school reality. It most certainly wasn’t, but I think it would make 13-year-old Em really happy to live out this fantasy.

I don’t remember having any particular crushes at the time, so I would love to do this with Tessa Thompson. We’d both be dressed as closeted queer teenagers, complete with converse, flannels, and a hint of angst. Oh, and obviously we’d waltz.

“Haven’t Met You Yet” by Michael Bublé

Freshman year of high school, we had to make a music video for our computer skills class. So I chose this song and had one of the most attractive girls in our school dress in masc clothing and act as my boyfriend for the arc of the music video. Nothing gay to see here!

As my opening number, I’m imaging a quickstep with JoJo Siwa. I have no explanation for this. I’m picturing JoJo in a classic black tux while I’m in a white, lacy long sleeve midi-dress decked out in sparkly crystals.

“Past the Point of No Return” from Phantom of the Opera

Sophomore year of high school, I was in the ensemble for our production of Phantom. I quickly realized that Stockholm Syndrome is definitely a kink of mine. The guy I was dating at the time was worried about me leaving him for the guy playing the Phantom, and rightfully so. It wasn’t so much the guy as it was the ominous character he was playing.

This song is sexy and passionate, which is why I must tango with Ariana DeBose. We’re both in something black, burgundy, lacy, and slightly suggestive.

“Come On Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners

I discovered this song after the film adaptation of The Perks of Being A Wallflower was released. At this point, I hated reading (hah!), and this was the first book I read that I enjoyed because I could see myself in it. I now have the language to recognize that this was because I, like the protagonist, was struggling with a mental illness and trauma.

However, it’s a fun song, so I’d love to jive to this with my sister or my cousin, just because it would be super fun. We’d be wearing something 80s and flashy, like a neon jumpsuit with sweatbands.

“Dancin’ Away With My Heart” by Lady A

The summer before I went off to college, I fell in love with this white, lanky, but incredibly brilliant cis man. One night, I snuck him out of his house and took him to stargaze in this field by my house. This was the first time we kissed, and I remember feeling so upset that I wasn’t enjoying it at all. How does this make sense? I love doing all these romantic things with him, shouldn’t I want to be physical with him? These are all great questions.

As the song goes, “I haven’t seen you in ages, sometimes I find myself wondering where you are,” which still rings true to this day. I casually browse his IG more than I would like to admit and wonder what would’ve happened if I was sexually attracted to him.

For the sake of closure, I would want to do this dance with him. We would do some sort of slow waltz-like dance where I would be in a stunning, flowing black gown that exposes a little side boob and lower back action. He would probably be in a white tux.

“Hello My Old Heart” by The Old Hellos

This is one of those songs that’s still bittersweet to listen to. One of my closest college friends introduced me to the song, and it quickly became our “we’re-so-stressed-about-our-futures-so-let’s-roll-the-windows-down-and-scream” song. Every time I hear it, I just want to throw my body around and let out all my emotion. The lyrics are about setting yourself free from your own walls, which was perfect because this was about the time I started crushing on this girl and really having to face my queerness head-on for the first time.

This is that one explosive contemporary piece I do alone, barefoot, with a creme-colored boho-y scrappy dress that all people doing contemporary dance seem to wear.

“Sleepover” by Hayley Kiyoko

This became my somber anthem of 2017. That girl I had a crush on in college wasn’t fully out yet (neither was I) but there was this weird unspoken chemistry between us. I was planning to tell her I had feelings for her on our last day of classes, but I chickened out and ended up writing a letter to her months later. She wrote me back and said she had a girlfriend she was in love with.

Ideally, I would do a slower contemporary hip-hop dance with that girl, but I wouldn’t necessarily dance with her now. I’m picturing a random professional dancer playing my fantasy bittersweet love. The stage is set with two twin beds and props to make the floor look like a bedroom. I’m wearing a purple crop-top number with fancy pj-looking bottoms and my dance partner is wearing a darker, shadow version of this.

“I Know A Place” by MUNA

My *official* coming out song. A friend sent this song to me right after I came out to my parents, and it got me through the next few tumultuous years. This dance would be an emotional jazz routine I would perform by myself, because I’ve already done this number a million times in my bedroom. I would wear a shimmery rainbow piece underneath a black Velcro outfit that’s ripped off at the climax of the chorus.

“Lose You To Love Me” by Selena Gomez

This ballad banger is what got me through one of the roughest breakups I’ve been through thus far. The relationship was toxic, codependent, and destroyed my already rocky mental health, so the lyrics, “I needed to hate you to love me” rang so deeply true. Plus, I love my fellow bipolar queen Selena Gomez.

Instead of dancing with my actual ex, I would want a professional dancer to embody her as we do striking, rigid, fight-like choreography dressed in flowy grey-tone dresses.

“Pretty Great” by Fickle Friends

Oof this song is strongly tied to the woman I first slept with post-breakup. I had just moved to LA and matched with her on an app. She’s a super hot lawyer with an “RBG” tattoo on her inner lip. She’s way too edgy for me, but I was still sad when she eventually distanced herself, sensing that I was indeed falling for her.

This would probably have to be a punchy foxtrot. Instead of dancing this with that woman I’m no longer in contact with, I’d probably just have Kristen Stewart dance in an open button-down white top with her classic smokey eye. I’d be wearing some sort of lingerie-inspired pj outfit, symbolic of a one-night stand type of look.

“Wrong Places” by H.E.R.

I discovered this song from the show Songland and instantly fell in love. What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic, but this time I had done the deconstruction work to actually picture myself in a queer long-term partnership.

Without a doubt I would dance a sweet and seductive rumba with Zendaya. We would both have our stunning hair natural and long, wearing simple coordinating flowy yellow dresses.

“Fooled Around And Fell in Love” cover by Miranda Lambert, Maren Morris, Elle King, Ashley McBryde, Tenille Townes, and Caylee Hammack

Again, I have to admit I discovered the original version of this song from the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. However, Spotify suggested this very gay, much better cover of the song and it became my new “maybe one day I’ll dance to this at my wedding” tune. It represents how much emotional labor I put into rewriting the heteronormative narrative I had crafted for myself. This song allows me to be the gushy romantic monogamous person I am, only gay.

I’d like to close my setlist with a simple bare-bones foxtrot with either the future love of my life or literally Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy. Either way, leather would be involved.

JoJo Siwa Didn’t Win DWTS, But She Remains the Housedyke’s Favorite

Like many queers of a certain age, JoJo Siwa first blipped on my radar earlier this year when she came out. Thanks to Riese’s invaluable Jojo primer, my knowledge of her has now crystallised as “YouTube something…dance something…giant bow something…gay.”

Some months later, it became apparent that JoJo was slated to appear on season 5382 of Dancing With the Stars. I am very familiar with the format thanks to my own mother’s long-running addiction to the UK progenitor, Strictly Come Dancing, and know all too well its ability to captivate an audience into a glitter-dazzled trance for exponentially increasing hours.

Because this website is an enabler of both the best and worst in me, I took a look at her first dance. I initially got a bit of that late-night internet stalking feeling, where I wasn’t too sure this content was something I should be taking an interest in. Of course, the problem is that these days the internet is the one stalking us, so that one click was all it took for the algorithms to start serving me JoJo’s dances on a weekly basis. I am at peace with this situation, but could probably do with some JoJo dance processing, so here we are now!

Latest Update: 11/23/2021

THE FINALE

Well, we’re finally here. It’s been a long 10 weeks for a combined 20 minutes and 46 seconds of JoJo actually dancing (yes, I counted). Has it led to JoJo and Jenna’s ultimate triumph or was it just an extended sequin-clad learning experience for us all? Let’s find out!

Before we get onto the dances, it may be useful to get the low-down on JoJo’s competition for the coveted Mirror Ball. For the first time, I’m breaking my rule of not watching the non-JoJo dances so I can provide a thorough commentary, a decision I am only marginally regretting now!

The rival competitors are: Amanda Kloots, a former dancer and TV presenter I’ve never heard of; Cody Rigsby, a former dancer and Peloton instructor (?!) I’ve never heard of; and Iman Shumpert, a basketball player I’ve never heard of who has shockingly never been a dancer. Immediately I clock Iman as the danger: he ticks all the boxes for viewers who love to see “the journey” of non-dancers from awkward lumpy dancing to slightly less awkward lumpy dancing.

Of course, JoJo has been a journey of her own, as we see in her VT before the first dance, where she persuades us that she was actually not that confident when this whole thing started, but has surely blossomed now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2vZ_-Ssi9Y

JoJo’s first dance is a tango/cha-cha fusion. I believe “fusion” means we have even less chance than usual of seeing a dance in a recognisable style with sympathetic music. Sure enough, to the resounding beat of Icona Pop’s “I Don’t Care” JoJo and Jenna deliver the kind of high-energy performance we come to expect, kicking things up a notch compared to their first go-around of these dances. I think the tango portion is the strongest, mostly because JoJo’s hips always look a bit on the leaden side to me in the cha-cha. Undoubtedly the highlight of the dance is when JoJo and Jenna whip their skirts off as they transition between styles, giving me serious Eurovision vibes. The judges are in the party mood and declare yet another perfect score for the pair!

Now it’s time for JoJo’s final reflections on the season. After appropriate gushing about her own personal transformation under Jenna’s guidance, JoJo expresses her excitement at freestyling to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. Yes, JoJo is not going to be holding back with the gay! She is adamant that everyone should dance with the girls they want to dance with!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwRgg7g94wE

For the freestyle, JoJo and Jenna have been generously furnished with backing dancers and are portentously dressed as deconstructed mirror balls. JoJo looks like she’s having the time of her life, and the pair reprise various moves from their time on the show. Dance-wise, I’m not sure we see anything massively new from them but they’re certainly giving it their all, and the pièce de resistance comes at the end when all the backing dancers reconfigure themselves in same-sex pairings to drive this whole shebang home.

The judges are effusive once again with their praise and remind us that we have been watching two women dance this whole time, isn’t that crazy? There is a delightfully bizarre comparison of Jenna to Joan of Arc and Bruno says he wishes he’d had someone like JoJo to look up to when he was a kid. Everyone is very emotional and they get a full house of 10s again!

But will it be enough! Surveying the rival freestyle dances, it’s pretty much anyone’s game. Cody’s camp number I think actually out-gays JoJo, and Amanda’s starts strongly with some aerial dancing before I totally lose her in a sea of identikit backing dancers. I feel like Iman is struggling with the male dancer equivalent of the sexy lamp test, as he’s essentially just existing while his pro partner burns up the stage around him.

The elimination swiftly sees off Amanda and Cody, leading to the match-up I’d been dreading: it’s JoJo versus Iman. Has JoJo managed to recruit enough A-list celesbian vote getters this week to grab the top spot? Unfortunately, she has not! Iman takes the win, much to my dismay, if not to my complete surprise. I explained to my wife about the British concept of a “housewive’s favourite” – aka an affable man on TV that will appeal to the stereotypical middle-aged woman that’s the key demo for shows such as this. She countered that surely the housedyke’s favourite has to count for something?

I do wonder if it was all a bit too gay too soon for JoJo to win. It’s pretty incredible that despite knowing how many people would be up in arms about a same-sex pairing, no-one on the show ever shied away from foregrounding it at every given opportunity, which is a win in itself. Although this wraps up our communal experience living through JoJo’s dance quest, I think she’s firmly established herself as a young queer star who’s here to stay.

SEMI FINAL: ARGENTING TANGO & CONTEMPORARY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLkQdMaUeVA&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0LDBAispSI&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s the semi-final and we have two full dances in store! First up is something they are calling a redemption dance. It is unclear at first what this means, but I am confident JoJo will do very well because queers on TV are great at redemption arcs. It turns out this just involves judge Len Goodman telling them to have another go at the Argentine tango, and this time dance it like they’re girlfriends rather than a married couple. Also he wants them to ooze? This is something I’ll have to unpack later, but I’m agreeing strongly with Len right now.

The dance itself is a big improvement on their Britney Argentine tango. Firstly, it is to real tango music! Yes, we have the theme I’ve been waiting for all season: Just Some People Dancing Week. Liberated from the tyranny of trying to make dance styles fit wildly unsuitable music, JoJo and Jenna deliver a standout performance. There are leg flicks! Close-body holds! Plus: slinky outfits! There’s something for everyone here, including all the judges, who duly award a round of perfect scores. Hurrah!

No sooner can you say “skip to the next YouTube video” than we are on to their second dance. This is the nebulous contemporary dance. While I’m ever hopeful that one day someone will try emulating Julia Stiles’s Juilliard audition from Save the Last Dance, my expectation is for everyone to look very pained while pretending to dust, artfully.

I think we’re onto a winner here though. The aesthetics are 100% the morning after the 90s lesbian sex rumba the night before. JoJo seems to have found her groove in a run of dances where she can lean into her physicality, and she’s obviously working her leg-warmers off to pick up the next level choreo. I am genuinely floored by the slow motion cartwheel JoJo pulls Jenna into. I am equally floored that I casually used “choreo” like I’m not gleaning all my dance knowledge from YouTube comments.

To me, it feels like a foregone conclusion they’ll get another perfect 40, but JoJo is taking no chances and deploys her crying grandma to defeat the judges. That makes a blemish-free 80 in total, so they must be going through to the final, right?? Fortunately for our frail queer hearts, JoJo again has our backs and has tapped up some A-listers on Instagram to get out the vote, including queer faves Demi Lovato and Cara Delavagina. They are the first couple safely through, although I’m not sure that counts for anything because Tyra Banks has been gaslighting me about the meaning of “in no particular order” for almost two months now.

So, what do we think will happen in the final? I’m confident that JoJo and Jenna are the strongest pairing technically, but I’m not sure that guarantees the win. When I explained to my wife that less talented men do disproportionately well she immediately replied “are we just talking about the show?” Definitely on the UK version the lower scoring guys have a decent shot at success if they capture that elusive mantle of housewives’ favourite. Could the final come down to a battle of the celesbian machine vs middle-aged housewives of America?! Let’s reconvene next week and find out!

SALSA & RUMBA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9CMYOPFhqk&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUlFphicjT4&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

After last week’s dip into the bottom two, JoJo and Jenna are not messing around with their salsa. From the get-go, JoJo is lifting Jenna with the core strength of someone who would definitely make it past day 8 of 30 Days of Yoga with Adrienne.

I have to admit that when I saw this week’s theme was Janet Jackson, I was not sure how her music would translate to whatever spray of dance styles would be on offer. But this salsa is working for me! There are all sorts of head loops and dips and shimmies that read recognisably as salsa, so I feel like we’re getting a substantial dance meal to offset the flashier parts.

I quickly twig that this week’s approach to hoodwinking the primetime audience about the fact they’re watching two women grind up on each other is to simply cram in more shit than they can process. If you’re still wondering how JoJo flipped Jenna over her head, you’re not going to clock how Jenna somehow cartwheeled onto JoJo in an upside-down split for a very crotch-centric spin, right? The judges are equally steam-rollered and award a well-deserved 39.

But that’s not it! With the contestants having been whittled down over the past 9 weeks, there’s time to ram another routine in. What’s more it’s a dance-off! This format is more sedate than the combative dance warfare I envisaged, with JoJo and Jenna merely dancing alongside rival couple Olivia Jade and Val, who is Jenna’s husband! I feel like Val’s presence is mostly to assert Jenna’s heterosexuality, kind of like the show is doing a big “no homo.”

Why is this necessary? Because the couples are dancing a rumba, a dance I previously compared to a sex scene in a terrible 90s lesbian movie. The evidence at hand:

Everybody’s dressed for bed, and definitely at the sexier end of the cozy-sexy spectrum
JoJo and Jenna’s routine ends with a forehead press
Someone cries (me, 100% lesbian aunt tears of pride)

Also like many lesbian terrible films, there’s a guy getting in the way a lot. I really wish we’d got a dedicated full-screen rumba for JoJo and Jenna because I feel like we’re finally getting to see the kind of grown-up JoJo we’ve had emergent glimpses of throughout the course of the competition. Also, the rumba is super hard! While in many dances JoJo has blasted through with speedy athleticism, the slower rumba really exposes the dancers’ connection and technique.

Anyway, despite being very busy learning two complex dances that she knocked out the park, somehow JoJo also found time this week to educate her youthful fanbase about the existence of live TV, meaning she’s safely voted through to the semi-finals!

TANGO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhmILko7rT8&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s another week and another theme: Queen. JoJo and Jenna stride out onto the stage dressed as matching Barbarellas, all figure-hugging spandex, to dance the tango to Body Language, a song where 50% of the lyrics are “give me your body.” My fears resurface that we may be about to witness a sexy dangerous dance that both middle America and I will not be able to cope with, for wildly different reasons.

Honestly, despite JoJo and Jenna’s obvious dancing prowess, I am not blown away by this dance. More than ever it feels like we’re watching two girls at the club, and I am really not sure about that synchronised hair pull. This does not feel like a performance aimed at a crotchety lesbian whose interest would be more piqued watching a synchronised IKEA bed frame assembly.

I am swiftly shaken from my indifference when JoJo and Jenna end up in the bottom two. I curse everyone that’s ever slighted JoJo including the entire US, the UK education system, and myself a few sentences ago. I’ve not been watching anyone else’s dances because I don’t want to sully my fantasy of an all-queer dance utopia, however it seems impossible that the straight contestants could be better in any way. Fortunately, the cosmic blip that led to this situation is halted by the judges, who unanimously vote to save our unbowed heroine.

There are two shows left before the final and it’s the first time we’ve seen any fallibility of the JoJo and Jenna juggernaut. I am confident that we’ll see a swell in support off the back of this, but in this day and age who really has confidence in any voting system?

JAZZ

https://youtu.be/kVQQgwc1To0

It’s horror week and JoJo is embodying my joint-greatest fear — Pennywise from It. This forces me to spend the whole 90 second routine watching from between my fingers, giving the overall effect of a zoetrope of dance terror.

Apparently JoJo and Jenna are dancing in the style of jazz which, as far as I can tell from any other show like this, just means pretending you are in Chicago. What went wrong here! Who took the canes and bowler hats and replaced them with nightmare tutus! What’s worse is that JoJo looks like she’s having tremendous fun doing this. I am momentarily pulled out of my stunned repulsion to admire the no-hands flip and a disarmingly graceful pirouette.

For the finale, JoJo tears Jenna’s hand off and starts monstrously devouring it. I was never a musical theatre kid, but I’m fairly certain this is not what “jazz hands” are meant to be. I’m too scared to even make a fisting joke!
Needless to say, JoJo is awarded another perfect score and Google will ensure clips of this dance will haunt me forever.

FOXTROT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxiZEFEvnr0&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

We are straying into Gal Pal territory with this Grease-themed foxtrot. Ostensibly, JoJo and Jenna are dressed up as Sandy and Frenchie, where Sandy-JoJo kind of dance-emancipates herself with encouragement from Frenchie-Jenna. They are clearly pushing the friendship angle, and I am clearly wondering why I never considered Pink Lady on Pink Lady action before. Did you know that there is only one Sandy/Frenchie fanfic on AO3? I feel there’s a collective cultural failing here.

Anyway, the dancing is very good! I think JoJo’s getting to the stage now where things are looking a lot less effort, and I have fewer worries about her exuberance taking someone’s eye out.

JoJo and Jenna get a perfect score! Everyone is happy for them! Are they sisters?

Now we are approximately halfway through the competition, it’s time to take stock of the situation and what may lie ahead for JoJo.

With the paso and Argentine tango done, I do wonder if the producers were trying to get the sexiest dances out of the way early. The remaining concern is probably the rumba. The rumba is essentially a 90s lesbian movie sex scene in dance form. Considering there’s already been two Disney-themed dances and a Grease night, it seems only fair that we have a “Terrible Lesbian Film Week” where JoJo and Jenna dance the rumba in stylised high-waisted jeans, in a routine fraught with forehead presses and toe curls and then they cry at the end.

PASO DOBLE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBY97D__DxA&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

The paso doble is a dance that typically comprises one minute of faffing around with a cape and one minute of moody stomping. Traditionally, this is all supposed to be some kind of allegory for a bullfight, with the woman as the bull and the guy as the matador. This is definitely a more vegan-friendly take, with JoJo and Jenna giving me strong messy exes vibes. We must all hope this is not a play-by-play of a potential puppy custody battle between JoJo and Kylie.

VIENNESE WALTZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-QBiotX4xE&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s the first of two Disney-themed dances and JoJo is a prince! I wonder if there were many behind-the-scenes debates about which side of the Disney princess/prince divide they’d come down on. While JoJo’s getup is about as masculine as the average boyband member, I am pleased with this outcome. My wife says this is all very heteronormative, but after three weeks of high-femme action, I am confident that Prince JoJo is going to be causing several million pre-teens to have a little think about things.

As for the actual dance, they spin around a lot and I am only moderately dizzy by the end of it. Success!

ARGENTINE TANGO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ncs06UwPe2Y&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

It’s the third week and we’re already onto Argentine tango, which gives me pause. This is a dangerous sexy dance! The sexy comes from the fact the dance is essentially a close-body seduction to music, and the danger is because the seduction could be killed at any point if you accidentally leg-flick your pointy dance heel into your partner’s groin.

The potential frisson is dissipated somewhat by the fact they’re dancing to “Baby One More Time,” and middle America breathes a sigh of relief that Swedish-produced pop is guaranteed to erase the words “sultry” and “seductive” from their vocabulary before they have to think too hard about these women pressing their bodies against each other.

JoJo is very clearly dancing the lead! Plus, she’s wearing a pink plaid dress with only 50% sparkles, which I imagine is the closest this show gets to butch lesbianism. JoJo has no problems swinging Jenna through their various lifts and twirls with the kind of competence that deserves a lanyard.

CHA CHA CHA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBIXEN3Japo&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

Without any bow weighing her down on head or costume, possibly for the first time in her life, the world is astonished see that JoJo is 7ft tall. Will she be auditioning for the live-action reboot of She-Ra? I hope so.

Like most of the Latin dances, the cha cha is heavy on hip action, to which JoJo applies herself with a vigour that could sideswipe a lorry. Once again, I am unsure about who is leading, because both Jenna and JoJo seem to be doing the spinny bits and splits that I always thought the follower did. Things are clarified right at the end when they kind of dip each other simultaneously, which is both physically alarming and a clear statement that both these women are in charge! I hope this dance move is federally protected.

QUICKSTEP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPPpEALxZBQ&ab_channel=DancingWithTheStars

Immediately I’m relieved to identify JoJo courtesy of the giant bow stuck to her top. The aesthetic for her and partner Jenna’s outfits appears to be harem-casual, the music is Australian alt-rock, and the dance is a ballroom classic dating back 100 years. Struggling to work out what is really going on here, I tap into my deep dance knowledge to remember that the quickstep is thus named because you have to do steps, very quickly. This is definitely happening!

Unfortunately the quickness and culturally-dubious leg-wear is making it hard to tell who is leading and who is following. I feel thwarted in attempts to reflect on how gender roles are at play, because the only gender on display appears to be “chaos.” My overriding thoughts are: “It’s two girls dancing!” Then I worry that “girls” is a little diminishing, so I correct to: “two women dancing, one of whom was not yet alive when I was sitting my finals at uni.”

Also.Also.Also: JoJo Siwa Did Britney Spears on DWTS Last Night, Which Is JoJo’s Gayest Thing Yet

I’m visiting family this week and about an hour ago I texted my cousins like “who wants to hang out” and now I have two of my favorite people in the world coming here any minute with French Fries and a bottle of wine and THAT is happiness.

Queer as in F*ck You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ncs06UwPe2Y

Time for your regularly scheduled JoJo Siwa on Dancing with the Stars content! This time dancing the tango to Britney Spears!

https://www.instagram.com/p/CUoQEjWL5Ik/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=f4323d29-cda5-4f7e-a1d7-3027337afc4b

From Ro: “Ok I still don’t totally understand what an NFT is, but apparently Lindsay Lohan partnered with a group called Canine Cartel to create an NFT that’s an image of Lindsay Lohan as a furry.” Lindsay Lohan Has a Fursona NFT

Sports gays! Natalie always has you in her heart! Out in Sports Study: Out LGBTQ Athletes Report Deep, Widespread Acceptance From Teammates

Who is Beatrice Luigi Gomez, Miss Universe Philippines 2021? She’s the first openly-queer winner of the pageant.

My Queer Palestinian Identities Will Always Be Entangled. “It’s a truth my every self converges on: There is no future for queerness within colonialism.”

Nepal Will Include Third Gender in Census for First Time in History

^^ these two pieces are from them., so I’d also like to use this moment to congratulate Sarah Burke as them.’s new Editor-in-Chief

Saw This, Thought of You

The Most Damning Thing We’ve Learned About Instagram Yet

Inside the Secretly Vibrant Business of Porn MP3s

Selfies, Surgeries And Self-Loathing: Inside The Facetune Epidemic

And related to these three links, What Are the Odds We Are Living in a Computer Simulation?

This is a major news story from women’s soccer over the past few days and I believe Heather and Natalie are working on a dedicated piece about it, but in the meantime… ‘This Guy Has a Pattern’: Amid Institutional Failure, Former NSWL Players Accuse Prominent Coach of Sexual Coercion

Political Snacks

NONE TODAY! I am being happy!!!

Also.Also.Also: Here’s JoJo Siwa Making History, so You Don’t Actually Have to Watch Dancing With the Stars

My focus has been all over the place today, but we’re doing our best! (Sorry this link round up is late.)

Queer as in F*ck You

Never thought I would say this, but JoJo Siwa is a whole entire legend: ” “I came out in early 2021 and what I love to do is make truly being who you are easier for kids.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPPpEALxZBQ

JoJo Siwa Makes ‘Dancing With the Stars’ History With First-Ever Same-Sex Dance Partner

https://twitter.com/writtenbyhanna/status/1439060663138144258?s=21

OUT HERE IN THESE PRIDE STREETS!!! Gabrielle Union Opens Up About Taking Zaya Wade To Her First Pride

Lil Nas X singing “Jolene” is exactly what you need today, I’m sure of it.

Saw This, Thought of You

Where Are the 710 Missing Indigenous Women and Girls in Wyoming?

If you’re looking to honor Latinx History Month, this piece nearly brought me to tears because it’s so simple, human, and beautiful: When a Minivan Becomes a Music Machine by Isabelia Herrera for The New York Times

From Natalie: “The gayest thing the WH has ever produced? Possibly.”

And related, Ranking the 25 Greatest Players in WNBA History (I actually new 12 out of 25 of these names, Let’s go SPORTS!)

Himani recommends: The Slow Death of Artistic Freedom in India

Teaching Made Me Realize Adulthood Is a Myth. I Want to Show My Students It’s Okay to Be Human.

Political Snacks

Trudeau Wins, but Is Diminished by a Futile Election

Taliban Ban Girls From Secondary Education in Afghanistan

SB 8 Is a Reminder That Abortion Is a Disability Issue

I haven’t been able to think about anything else for two days, I’m positively sick:

U.S. Removes Migrants From Texas Border Camp, Begins Flights to Haiti
U.S. Authorities Accelerate Removal of Haitians at Border With Mexico
Video Shows ‘Horrific’ Border Patrol Chase of Haitian Migrants as White House Says It Must Not Happen Again (yeah, I’m so sure having the Department of Homeland Security investigate itself is gonna be productive or go well 🙄)

Also.Also.Also: JoJo Siwa Will Have a Girl Dance Partner on DWTS, Continues a One-Person Rainbow Hair Bow Gay Agenda

Feature image of Jojo Siwa by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

On Monday, if yall would have told me that Jojo Siwa was going to be the title of TWO different Autostraddle articles this week, I never would have believed you — and yet here we are. Anyway, after I publish this I’m going to eat a grilled chicken sandwich.

Queer as in F*ck You

From Shelli: “MISS JOJO IS GONNA KILL IT AND WE SIMPLY HAVE TO COVER THIS WHEN IT HAPPENS!” JoJo Siwa Makes History As First Competitor With a Same-Sex Dance Partner on DWTS

Rosie O’Donnell Answers Every Question We Have About Sleepless in Seattle. I don’t know that when I think of every question I’ve ever wanted to ask Rosie, that Sleepless in Seattle of all things comes to the top of that list? But sure, why not.

Saw This, Thought of You

OnlyFans Drops Planned Porn Ban, Will Continue to Allow Sexually Explicit Content. Ro is putting together a roundtable of sex workers for us to talk more about this, and I can’t wait.

The Unbearable Summer

Sure, Biden’s Better on Covid Than Trump. That’s Not Good Enough.

This week marks the 20th anniversary of Aaliyah’s passing, so there’s been a lot of articles memorializing her. THIS ONE, from a local Detroit paper, is by far my favorite: Remembering and Releasing Aaliyah, 20 Years Later

Love you forever, baby girl.

Political Snacks

From Himani: “incredibly heartbreaking and that doesn’t even get into the journalists, activists, etc who didn’t work with the US government” I Taught English to Afghan Soldiers. Now I’m Part of the “Digital Dunkirk” Trying to Get Them Out.

The Party of Lincoln Is Now the Party of Jim Crow. “Not a single House Republican voted for the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act.”

Chaz Bono’s Trans Agenda is “Dancing With the Stars”‘ Best Agenda Ever

Chaz Bono is set to appear on the 13th season of popular television franchise Dancing With the Stars, and a lot of bigots are freaking out about it and probably stocking up on canned goods for when the apocalypse begins on September 19th.

These alleged freakouts, which have been making headlines all over the internets, began on fan message boards. From JustOut:

…Bono has been the most talked-about participant on ABC’s website, with many commenters voicing anger, disgust, and confusion that they may have to watch *gasp* a transgender person on television:

“HUGE HUGE fan of this show since season two and eagerly await each season to get my dancing/entertainment ‘fix’!! But when I heard that Chaz Bono was going to be on, I was sick. Not that I have anything personally again her/him, I just don’t want that lifestyle choice continually flaunted in the media esp ABC.”

“Chaz Bono How low can this show sink. Well you have certainly addressed the gay commuity. Guess this will not be a family show any longer!!!! Lost my family!”

“YOUR choice to bring Chaz Bono into the mix goes too far. I am not about to risk the potential for on screen dialogue about sex changes and gender confusion while my 7 and 9 year old are watching. If you want the ‘anything goes’ hippy culture, then soon that is all you will get. You’ve lost us. In case any of you are wondering … no, we are NOT tolerant. We are not tolerant to allow any and all influences to come unfiltered into our home and especially to our children. This is truly a sad farewell.”

The angry ABC fans appear to be in the minority, however. Supporters are speaking up, including Chaz’s dance partner, Lacey Schwimmer:

“It’s disappointing,” Schwimmer told TheInsider.com of negative reactions to Bono posted on ABC’s website and cruel jokes made at his expense on late night TV.

“No human is perfect, so why are they pointing out what they perceive to be an imperfection in someone else? It’s not cool. We’re all taught to not bully, or harass, and treat everyone as equals yet all these people are doing exactly the opposite,” she says.

I feel a little weird about her usage of the term “imperfection,” but I think in general it’s clear that she’s supportive, regardless of linguistic slip-ups.

Chaz’s mother, Cher, has also tweeted her support of her son’s involvement:

So, what’s the verdict? We’re at an interesting place in time now when mainstream society is becoming increasingly accepting of lesbian and gay people with remarkable speed — it seems like every month people like us more (except the GOP). But transphobia hasn’t seen such a dramatic transformation, it remains alive and well and even socially acceptable. Jokes about transpeople are still fodder for mainstream entertainment and the rates of suicide, homelessness and violence against trans people remain astronomical.

So I venture to suggest that the media reaction to Chaz Bono’s casting has still been largely positive and slightly encouraging. The outraged message board posters don’t concern me, really — anonymous internet commenters represent a relatively douchebaggy segment of society no matter what the topic is (not on this website, however!).

The fact remains that Cher and Chaz’s dance partner stood up for him and that Dancing With the Stars is apparently unafraid of potentially losing advertisers by casting a trans man. Regardless of how you feel about Chaz Bono‘s position as a de facto trans representative , I feel like this casting decision will do more good than harm.

I’m interested in what you think about all this but before I turn it over to you, I thought I’d take this opportunity to publicly share those present and former Dancing With the Stars contestants who I feel have pushed an unfair agenda onto my unborn children. You know, while we’re on the topic of “things I don’t want to see on my teevee screen.”

AHEM.

Dancing With the Stars Contestants Who Have Pushed an Unfair Agenda Upon My Unborn Children:

+

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore

Adam Carolla

Nancy Grace+

Bristol Palin

+

Kate Gosselin

+

Tucker Carlson

+

And finally…

Tom DeLay

DeLay is literally a repulsive human being who, in addition to being homophobic, racist, and anti-choice, Delay is partially responsible for the entire financial meltdown of the entire fucking United States of Fucking America!

Hope Solo on Dancing with the Stars and Nearly Naked in a Fountain

Brittani’s Team Pick:

Have you been following women’s soccer since the World Cup? Maybe? Have you at least been following Hope Solo’s Twitter account? If not, you may have missed this picture of Hope Solo cavorting around in a robe with an unidentified lady person, possibly as part of a clothesless spread in ESPN’s 2011 “Body Issue.” Here it is for your viewing pleasure.

We’re going to pretend this is relevant because it’s just been announced that Solo will be a member on the next season of Dancing with the Stars (along with Chaz Bono). Good ol’ Hope is doing everything she can to promote women’s soccer because the best way to promote women’s sports isn’t by being the best keeper in the world. It’s by being really really hot. Duh.

I’m hoping for a finale between Solo and Ron Artest in which someone incorporates “the Great White Hope” into a headline. Will you be watching my favorite show on television this fall to catch a glimpse of Han Solo? (jk I’ve never seen a single episode.)