Other People’s Pets, Reviewed by Carol
I have one interest and one interest only: my Mom. Sometimes she takes me to the dog park, where I try to hang out with her, and then she drops me onto the ground and says “go make friends!” Then I hop back up onto the bench next to her, and she puts me back down again. Then she says, “you’re co-dependent and have attachment issues!” but I don’t know what that means!!!! Sometimes when we go walking I try to eat other dogs or stop people from running away by eating their sneakers, and then she says, “See, this is why I am your only friend.” And to that I say: “Exactly!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so lucky!!!”
Bandit (Owner: Eli Castle)
via okparker
Bandit is attached to his Mom, who is very pretty and also skinny and blonde like me and my Mom. So sometimes you can’t see Bandit. Bandit is very good at hiding inside his Mom but surprise everybody, I can smell Bandit!!!!! I have a very good sense of smell, and I practice a lot on my walks, because I like to stop to smell tiny patches of cement that have nothing particularly interesting about them visible to the naked eye. Bandit is small and doesn’t try to bother me. 9/10.
Kai (Owner: Mary Tully and Alex Vega)
via alexxxvegaaa
Kai is so big! I don’t think Kai is a dog. I think Kai is maybe a horse, because she has a beautiful coat. I could ride Kai around in the meadows and be a “horse girl,” if my Mom had a horse too, but I wouldn’t want to do it alone. But also just in case I need to defend myself because Kai weighs 10x more than I, tiny Carol, weigh, which is how I ended up in my crate at Alex and Mary’s house!!! Don’t eat me! 9/10
Johnny Waffles (Owner: Robin and Carly)
Johnny Waffles is a dog I can really relate to. He brings joy into the home of Carly and Robin, looks great in photographs, has a gorgeous mane, and an irrepressible spirit. I think I am a little smarter than Johnny Waffles, but also Johnny is fluffier than me. Johnny is too nice to notice that I am a bitch! 9/10.
Sam the Cat (Owner: Kristin Russo)
via kristinnoeline
Cats are mostly fine. Sam was nice and I like being in the same room as Sam. If you go to this instagram post and click to see the second image, you can see a video of me hanging out with Sam. Sam was afraid to ask me to hang out, as all animals should be! We are about the same size, but I am a dog and Sam is a cat, so I don’t know who would win a game of Parcheesi. 9/10.
Beans (@refinedbeans) (Owner: Gaby Dunn)
via refined beans
Riese always says, “you should marry Beans!” “We could have a celebrity dog wedding with Beans!” And then Gaby is like, “Beans has a crush on Cheyenne’s dog, but Cheyenne’s dog is NOT INTERESTED.” I don’t know who this girl Cheyenne is??? But I know that I am a beautiful dog, maybe the most beautiful dog of all time. One time I was at Gaby’s house and I jumped on the couch and everyone was like “Wow, Beans can’t do that.” That felt good. Another time, I was on a chair with Riese and Beans, and it was fine. Overall, Beans is a good dog because I can out-jump Beans, so he probably looks up to me. Would I marry Beans? Sure. I’m probably gay but also we’re both dogs, so who cares? 9/10
Carol (owner: Riese)
photo from private collection
The only perfect 10! If you had a dog like this why would you ever want to be around any other animals???
9 Reasons Why Carol Is Actually a Cat, Don’t @ Me
For everyone who has a pulse and has met Carol the dog will know that Carol is actually a cat. Here’s why:
1. Carol is a circle.
Many cats sleep in a circle, and so does Carol.
2. Carol dislikes most people.
Carol only likes a select handful of gay humans and everyone else can go SUCK ITTTT
3. Carol thinks shoes are alive.
Carol is particularly enamored with shiny, colorful and fast moving objects, just like cats get with string and shiny stuff. There isn’t a sneaker that Carol hasn’t tried to attack, and this is a true story. You can check my sources.
4. Carol is emo.
Carol spends a lot of time being extremely sleepy and emo, and cats are like that.
5. Carol is picky.
Ummmmmm dogs are normally just like, wolfing down their food no matter what right? I mean some dogs eat their own poop, so. You never know when Carol is going to turn up her nose to a bowl of food. There is no cyclical pattern, you cannot chart it, there’s no reasoning. It’s just her cat energy.
6. Carol is chill.
Carols whole vibe is like, very chill 95% of the time. The other 5% she’s launching herself at shoes, yelling because she can hear you coming from outside the apartment, and/or ricocheting back and forth when you walk through the door. She doesn’t really bark. Except for this one time that I guess she did bark when Riese and I left my apartment for like four hours to go to Cee’s birthday rave, and we came back and there was a note on my door that was like “your dog has been barking for hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooours. that’s how long it feels like your dog has been barking” and I was like immediately mortified, because that’s just not like Carol, you know? But then I realized that Carol was being a bitch because the note was from this annoying lady who lives above me. She torrentially waters her outdoor plants on the balcony above mine and and the water like splashes through my screen windows and onto my computer. Also she wears shoes inside, with I think bricks attached to the shoes and walks around constantly so like, I think what’s happening here is that …
7. Carol is a bitch.
Carol will fight you if provoked. Carol is not a blindly trusting and tongue-out wagging kinda pup. Her trust is EARNED. And if you haven’t earned it, or worse, done something to be rude to one of her fave peeps, you’re IN FOR IT BUDDY. So: cat.
8. Carol is smOL.
Carol is so small you guys she’s just a tiny circle she was never ever going to be anything but the smallest circle in the whole land SORRYYYY. Cats are usually smol and dogs are historically big so that’s another reason why Carol is a cat.
9. Carol is a lesbian.
Everyone knows that all cats are lesbians and all dogs are straight, so.
This concludes my report on why Carol is a cat, not a dog. If you guys have any questions don’t ask me them. Bye.
BREAKING: There Is Another Dog In This Neighborhood and They Won’t Stop Barking!!!!
Hello it’s me Carol, editor-in-chief of Carolstraddle!!! I have my own wordpress login now and I would like to report some news. The news is that there is a dog barking VERY loud in an apartment building near my Mom’s! First of all I am offended that another dog exists, secondly this dog woke up my Mom who needs her beauty sleep at 7am instead of 8:30am when she wanted to wake up, thirdly this dog has been barking non-stop for five hours, and within the last hour, every other dog in this neighborhood has responded to this incident by barking in return. (Except me because I’m perfect) Now the whole block is just BARK BARK BARK. It’s like Oliver & Company in here but not as melodic or underrated and perfect.
We live in West Hollywood, home to the very dog-positive show “The Real L Word” that was on before I was born. I thought this was a gay neighborhood? Who are all these dogs being loud?! Sometimes my Mom says, “You’re so tiny, I bet you don’t even remember Obama.” I don’t know what she’s talking about but you know what I do remember? SILENCE.
I MADE A NEWS!!!!
dogs rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BARKING WHEN I AM TRYING TO GET MY 22 DAILY HOURS OF SLEEP IN
Find Your Fit: A Small Lesbian Who Likes to Play With Gender
Find Your Fit is a style advice column helping real queer people find the masculine, butch, and tomboy styles that make them look and feel hot.
Dear Mika,
Hello and good day; I’m a longtime reader who’s ready to play with gender more intentionally in my outfits, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Flannel? Button downs? Dresses? I don’t know! Obviously my first thought for who to look to for inspiration was Carol the dog — she’s my favorite fashion icon and follow on Instagram, and I love how she moves seamlessly between femme, masc and androgynous looks. Like Carol, I am very small; like Carol, I would like to exude both stylistic edginess and an intriguing vulnerability. Can you help?
Yes, of course! You’re absolutely right; Carol is the perfect fashion icon for what you want, and she has so many looks to choose from. For you, I chose this range of three outfits: an edgy look with lots of color, a casual androgynous athletic fit, and of course a classic soft butch moment.
Carol Pride
1. Dress // 2. Bomber // 3. Sneakers // 4. Sunnies // 5. Bag // 6. Bracelet
Inspo:
Carol knows how to pull off a lot of color like no other. I wanted to create a fit that you could wear for a hot day out, or to go to pride, or if pride was at the beach — the point is summer color fun is our goal here.
Styling:
Wear this rainbow dress with this cute cropped bomber so you look a little tough and add that gay touch. Pair both of these pieces with these rainbow white trainers from ASOS to stay on color theme! Just like Carol who is tough yet very loving, I’ve picked these heart sunnies so you can capture the same energy. Because this dress is very tight to the body I assume you don’t have pockets; style this fit with a cross body bag so you don’t lose your stuff!
Material Girl
1. Top // 2. Pants // 3. Jacket // 4. Sneakers // 5. Bag // 6. Sunglasses
Inspo:
Do you remember when Madonna pretended she was British for a whole album in like 2006? For this fit I wanted to capture Carol’s take on a tracksuit and merge it a bit with britpop streetwear meets Hayley Kiyoko, who my sources tell me has stolen Carol’s look a few times.
Styling:
Since warm weather is coming I decided to toss out the full track jacket and swap it for a tee without losing sight of the famous three stripes. Pair this Adidas classic with this windbreaker to add a bit of texture to the fit; if it’s chilly zip it up all the way, if it’s not, wear it open. I’ve also picked these ‘ugly’ sneakers that magically go very well with this holographic, very gay-looking Zara cross body bag. Finish off the look with these literally fire sunnies.
Carol-drogyny
1. Flannel // 2. Tee // 3. Jeans // 4. Boots // 5. Hat // 6. Bag
Inspo:
No one moves across the femme/masc spectrum as well as Carol. For this final fit I wanted to capture her more relaxed lumberjack butch looks for that cozy chilly afternoon at the park — maybe you’re helping your crush move to a new apartment, or simply feeling a little Jughead today.
Styling:
If you don’t already have a flannel, as a gay you should never pay too much for one, so I picked this one from Target that looked EXACTLY like the one Carol is wearing. Pair it with a grey tee, and some black jeans, I’ve picked these ones from MNML because they add a little more edge. If you don’t already own some big ass Moc Toe boots I don’t want you to drop $300 on them, so these will work great. Pair it with a cute beanie and a backpack if you need one; you’re ready to go!
Welcome to Chez Carol
Obviously the broad generalizations about how women’s attitudes towards homemaking and babies shift after they turn 30 are baseless as a universal truth and often harmful. Also and additionally, almost immediately after turning 30 I picked up the hobby of window shopping for doll furniture and accessories to give to the pets in my life, frequently not even my own pets. We contain multitudes! Carol also contains multitudes, and one of her many facets is that she is a material girl living in a material world. Here are the chic, homey and stylishly functional home goods I have picked out for Carol to fully outfit her West Hollywood bungalow in preparation for its inevitable Apartment Therapy spotlight.
Couch Potato
1 Floral Couch // 2 Pink Polka Dot Sectional // 3 Upholstered Sofa Bed
Carol already spends a lot of time on human couches: entertaining guests, posing for Instagram, accompanying her mother during editorial conference call meetings, shivering. If Virginia Woolf were a small dog, however, she might have written that each small dog needs a couch of her own. Ranging from the fun n’ flirty to the iconoclastically vintage to the grown n’ sexy West Elm of small dogs, these couches are Carol-sized just for her. Also I believe the floral one opens up into some kind of jewelry storage, which is neat.
Working Girl
1 Desk Set // 2 TV Stand with Book Storage // 3 Office Supplies and Shelving // 4 Carol-Sized Macbook
Nearly tied with her primary hobby and interest of ‘shivering,’ Carol’s most important preoccupation in life is her mom, the CEO of Autostraddle dot com. With this ergonomic and stylish desk set, shelving to hold her reference books, and TV stand with which to watch and recap the shows pushing the envelope when it comes to representation of small dogs, Carol is all set to be just like her mom when she grows up, which will be never, because she is a small dog.
Make It Fashion
1 Framed Botanical Prints // 2 Hanging Plant // 3 Succulents // 4 Framed Photo of Mom
Carol doesn’t like to talk about it because she doesn’t want to sound gauche, but she’s really something of an influencer. For her to have the Instagram-worthy sun-drenched LA apartment to match her lifestyle, she’ll need this hanging plant, 18 different kinds of succulents, and also some framed prints of other plants to really drive the point home. And of course no apartment of Carol’s would be complete without a striking centerpiece of a framed photo of her mother, in this case cradling Carol’s previous incarnation, Tinkerbell (who shivered less but was also a purse).
Sweet Dreams
1 Trundle Bed // 2 Scalloped Doll Bed // 3 Canopy Bed
Carol’s days are long and grueling, between the shivering, going out for walks, and sometimes being carried to various social events where she is passed around between Riese’s friends laps and shivers in a new and exciting location. When it’s all over, she deserves to retreat to her private bedchambers. The bedroom is the most personal space in a home, and Carol’s bed should reflect her truest inner self, which is that she is a tiny princess. Whether it’s this fairy pink canopy bed, demure floral scalloped number, or the trundle bed with storage for Carol’s many fashion ensembles, she’ll drift off to dreamland with her brand intact.
Welcome to Carolstraddle!
Last year, my #2 Mom Erin wrote an article every day for 30 days about the movie “Carol,” which was named after me. When my #1 Mom Riese told my #3 Mom Sarah (I have lots of Moms, that’s lesbians for you!) that we needed a graphic for “30 Days of Carol,” Sarah though of course of the only Carol to have ever lived, and produced this graphic:
“Sarah that is a very adorable graphic!” Heather told Sarah, “but the carol posts are about carol the movie.”
“LOL. wow. y’all hahahahah,” said Sarah in return.
Everybody else moved on with their lives and days, as they so often do while I am stuck wondering things like, why is nobody scratching my belly right now? Why does Veggie Grill not deliver enough french fries for Erin and Stephanie for them to share them with me, Carol? Is it time to go outside now? How about now? Is my Mom going to look at me? If I stand on this table, will she look at me now? I love my blanket? Can we go outside? Name one dog who is prettier than me? Or even a cat?
But of course my number one question this whole time has been: “why not Every Day Some Carol????” I, Carol, am here every day!!!!!!! I show up. The couch upon which Erin wrote 30 Days of Carol — I also sit upon that couch, with my legs in any number of positions you would find inspirational and a model for how all dogs should look and sit. I was brought into Riese and Erin’s home less than a month before 30 Days of Carol. Coincidence? I think not!!!
So all the time that my Moms thought I was sitting around not contributing to the household (as my Mom frequently reminds me that I do not “have a job” and that “learning to take care of myself would be really empowering to me as a woman”) I have in fact been scheming for the day when I would take over Autostraddle. That day has come. That time is now. I’m so cute! Watch me roll around on my back and scoot my butt around. I run like the wind, the power of the stars and heavens behind me, my soul is eternal, my power is so big, like a chicken. I love chicken!