Covering Our Butts: Let’s Talk About Underwear
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now.Let’s talk about underwear!
Did you hear it’s Butt Week?! It’s true, it is! So we’re gonna talk about what covers (or doesn’t cover!) our butts.
Insider Butt Data for All You Absolute Nerds
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now.
One of the things I spend a lot of time doing is looking at Autostraddle’s numbers. How many people liked, retweeted, commented on, organically shared, or yelled about a post? How many people, total, read a post? Why does this tweet have ten times as many retweets as that tweet about the same thing? What time of day do most people want to read about TV? (Morning and afternoon.) What time of day do most people want to read about sex? (Evenings and all day on Sundays.) What time of day to people want to read Vapid Fluff? (All day every day.) Will people read another post about a thing we already wrote a post about? And on and on and on.
I also spend a lot of time reading and thinking about how algorithms work, and trying to figure out how to game them in any way possible to make us competitive with sites that have whole teams of people who know how to bend the algorithms to their will. I am hardly ever successful at this!
Anyway, when we kicked off Butt Week, I spent some time researching our previous Butt Content to try to figure out how make Butt Week a success on Google and on social media. Here are some of the things my research has revealed.
Autostraddle Top 15 Pre-Butt Week Butt Posts, According to Google
How To Eat Ass, by Carolyn
How to Bring Butt Plugs Into Your Lesbian Sex Life, by Carolyn
Self-Acceptance & Butt Cover-Ups: 8 Queer Women’s Tattoo Stories, by Emily Browne
Bottoms Up: Bottoming and Butt Sex, by Ari
NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday Is Looking At Your Butt, by Carolyn
“Legends of Tomorrow” Episode 502 Recap: Never Trust a Big Butt and Smile, by Valerie Anne
Want A Lady Superhero On Your Butt? League of Ladies Undies Can Make That Happen, by Vanessa
Also.Also.Also: Melissa Harris-Perry and Beyoncé Could Kick Every Stupid Republican’s Butt and Other Stories We Missed This Week, by Carmen Rios
“Supergirl” Episode 308 / “Arrow” Episode 608: Legends of SuperFlarrow Parts I & II (aka The One Where Sarah Asks Alex About Her Butt), by Valerie Anne
Top Ten Sweatpants (“These Champion sweatpants are not cute. Your butt will not be featured or showcased in any way.”), by Riese
Celebrate Anal August With These Toys For Better Butt Sex, by Carolyn
Stick The Entire Rainbow Up Your Ass For Pride, by Riese
Holigay Gift Guide: Last-Minute Anal Gifts, by Archie
Sunburn Cures For Your Sunburned Ass, by Lizz
Autostraddle’s Top 10 Butt Tweets, According to Twitter
In honor of Butt Week and the recent ability to gift memberships, I'm gifting five A+ memberships to anyone who wants to be A+ but can't swing the cost during this apocalypse. DM me.#AutostraddleButtWeek https://t.co/95WWQZffBG
— Doc 🍌 (@hugscactuses) October 17, 2020
https://twitter.com/vanessapamela/status/1316487941229666305
https://twitter.com/theheatherhogan/status/804449231427739648
https://twitter.com/stefschwartz/status/760897316161196033
if she gets mad ill just be like aw babe ok here's my butt too
— Laura Zak (@la_wa) August 3, 2016
https://twitter.com/librarygrrrl/status/618746713445146626
https://twitter.com/catherinethegay/status/1277232508917239808
God designed butts to be spanked! The Bible is very clear on this.
— Nicky Reid (@NickyRe35133568) October 22, 2020
https://twitter.com/HiShelli/status/1318624556479926273
ten things i love:
1. butts
2. dykes
3. hipness
4. magazines
5. you two
6. attention
7. money
8. gratitude
9. yelling
10. love— Grace Lavery (@graceelavery) October 12, 2020
Autostraddle’s Top 20 Butt and Butt-Adjacent Posts of the Past Year
25 Streaming Movies With Hot Lesbian Sex Scenes, by Riese
Shibari 101: Single- and Double-Column Ties, by Cee
What Does It Mean to Be a “Bottom” or “Submissive” in Lesbian Sex?, by Riese
Bondage 101: How To Tie Someone Up, by Carolyn
Shibari 101: Let’s Talk About Japanese Rope Bondage, by Cee
What Does It Mean to Be a “Top” or a “Dominant” in Lesbian Sex?, by Riese
6 Easy Steps for Fucking Your Friends Without Fucking Up the Friendship, by Vanessa
TruckSlutsMag Is Making Trucks Gay and Reclaiming Rural Queer Culture, by Lauren Parker
Service Tops, Bratty Bottoms and Pillow Princesses: Other Words You Use to Describe How You Have Sex, by Riese
Lesbian Sex: Your 15 Favorite Ways To Have It, by Riese
Every L Word Sex Scene, Ranked, by Riese
The 50 Best Queer Sex Toys, by Carolyn and Archie
What Does It Mean To Be a Switch in Lesbian Sex?, by Riese
10 Tips For Better Lesbian Sexting, by Carolyn
Ready For Your Close-Up: The Beginner’s Guide to Taking a Sexy Solo Video, by Courtney
How to Have Lesbian Sex For the First Time: NSFW Sunday Special
How To Pick Up Chicks: A Lesbian Guide to Getting Girl-on-Girl Action, by Phoenix
100 Things That Are Orange, Ranked, by Riese
Queer Flagging 101: How to Use the Hanky Code to Signal the Sex You Want to Have, by Archie
Autostraddle’s Most Relevant 🍑 Conversations, According to Slack
I Have IBS and I Still Want You to Eat My Ass
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. Let’s just get down to business: it’s time to talk about IBS and butt sex.
I have a friend who desperately wants to give me a fecal transplant.
Fecal transplants are real life medical procedures, where a doctor sticks a tube into your ass, and then pumps someone else’s shit through the tube. Usually, it’s shit that used to belong to a friend or family member. Familiar shit.
The idea is that the microorganisms in your healthy friend’s shit will recolonize your gut, leading to a better bacterial balance and a healthier gastrointestinal tract. People who suffer from IBS or frequent infections from the bacterium C. diff often find it helpful in treating their conditions. I qualify on both counts.
While most people choose to go through this objectively unpleasant procedure in a sterilized medical environment, some people choose a DIY route. Generally, this involves freezing a sample of your friend’s shit and inserting the popsicle as you would a suppository. Most people might want to do this alone, in the privacy of their own bathroom. But when your friends are dominatrixes and perverts, this chance to play doctor might be too good to pass up.
“Do you think he’ll notice if I just never come out of the bathroom?”
It’s the summer of 2016, and I’m having a crisis in the bathroom of a guy I just started hooking up with. With one hand I’m furiously attempting to unclog his toilet, and with the other I’m texting my best friend about escape options. I might be able to fit myself through the window above the shower, but we’re on the second floor, and my pants are in the living room.
She confirms that he will definitely notice if I never come out of the bathroom. He’s a chill guy, she says. You’ve pegged him. He’s had his tongue in your ass. He’s going to be fine.
I am not going to be fine. I am sweating, both from the cramps in my stomach and the intense embarrassment and horror I feel about what I’ve done to this toilet. I’ve already flushed twice, and the clog hasn’t been swept away. I’m staring at myself in his mirror and trying to practice what I’m going to say when I come out of the bathroom and have to ask where he keeps his plunger. There’s a Picasso print reflected in the mirror behind my head. A line drawing of a butt.
Before I can decide whether to risk flooding the bathroom by flushing a third time, he calls out asking whether I’m okay, and I know I’ve been caught.
It’s exhausting to pretend not to be sick. What takes more of a toll on the body, more than the cramps and the hemorrhoids and the bloating and the treatments, is the mental energy it takes to hide all of the symptoms.
I just have a tiny bladder.
I just don’t like to eat much on dates.
I’m just feeling a little under the weather.
“Sick,” is my code word. Nobody wants details about what kind of sickness. They assume you’re sneezing or you’re throwing up and they leave it at that. Maybe you have your period. Maybe you have the flu. Maybe you get migraines.
A few months after I destroyed my Instagram date’s toilet, I was getting ready for a date with someone else. We’d met at a play party, and hit it off after I shook my ass at her. She told me she wanted to bite it, and asked for my number.
We’d seen each other a few times since then for negotiated, formal BDSM scenes. I worked for a dominatrix on the weekends but rarely got to play. She was looking for a new play partner and had access to professional dungeons. The one we were going to that day was a 40 minute drive, and she had asked me to wear a short dress, tights and no underwear.
We’d only been in the car a few minutes before she pulled over into the parking lot of a local college. She put the car in park, tapped her fingers on the wheel, and then reached over to flip up my skirt and twist her hand into the crotch of my pink fishnets. They shredded with a skkkkrrritch, my twat and ass now bare against the heated leather seats.
On the rest of the drive, we talked about boundaries, limits, scene minutia. She reached her arm across the center console to play with the fraying edges of my tights. I couldn’t stop worrying about whether my hemorrhoids were bleeding onto the seats of her luxury car.
I’d almost texted her that morning to cancel. I’d been up half the night with cramps and a feeling of urgency in my bowels despite an inability to empty them. My body had finally decided to cooperate and expel the painful build up early in the morning, and then seemingly couldn’t stop. On the drive, I pretended that I was twisting in my seat out of squirmy anticipation, rather than a stabbing pain in my colon and a desperate need to find a bathroom.
When we arrived, I forced myself to make small talk and be appropriately gracious to the domme who was lending us her space before excusing myself to the bathroom to “freshen up.” The walls were thin, and I could hear them chatting in the kitchen over a spread of cheese, crackers, and wine. I was terrified that they could hear me too.
Later, my then-domme and now-partner will recall this scene as one of her favorite moments from our early days. She remembers the glint from the red pom poms she asked me to bring, the music she had picked out, the way she smirked at me over her glass of wine when she said,
“Do a cheer routine.”
“Dance for me.”
She was horrified when I eventually told her the truth, that I don’t remember anything about that scene, except that I used the bathroom three times before we played, and that the feeling of her teeth sinking into the cheeks of my ass made me sweat with humiliation. On the ride home, it started snowing, turning a 40 minute drive into an hour and a half. She wanted to come up to my apartment afterwards, and I wanted her to, but I made up some excuse. I almost shit my pants between closing the front door, and reaching my bathroom.
“What does it mean when you say you’re sick?”
We’re out at a restaurant. After a few months of just playing together, we’ve branched out. Once a month, we go out for dinner and see a play. She’s seen my apartment. It’s getting harder to hide things.
I take another sip of my cocktail. I don’t want to talk about this. Talking about the details of what happens is too real, too personal. I’d rather say, “I’m just sick,” and leave it at that.
She can sense that I don’t want to talk about it.
“I’m asking because I get sick too.”
“I had a surgery a few years ago, and things in my system got a little screwed up. So now I can’t eat very much at one time, or have too much sugar, or I throw up.”
She knows me well enough by now to know that now that she’s put herself out there, I’ll have to reciprocate.
“I get…the other kind of sick.”
“Elaborate.”
I play with the skewer of orange and cherry in my old fashioned. I have talked about so many nasty, dirty things with her. She’s described the way she wants to push her tongue into all of my holes. I’ve talked to her about my most humiliating fantasies. I’ve let her hold a violet wand against my asshole.
This feels beyond all of that. The intimacy of showing the really gross parts of myself feels so much scarier than any other kind of play we’ve done.
When it’s only me who knows what ‘sick’ means, I can remember that anal play is sexy. My past partners, left in the dark, didn’t know that when I said I’d left my phone charger in my car and I’d be right back, I was running around the corner to the gas station so I could shit. Or that as soon as they left to go pick up our takeout, I would be sick in their bathroom. When it was my secret, I could believe that it was hot to talk about taking a dildo in my ass, or take pictures of myself sucking on a princess plug. I could compartmentalize that part of myself as separate from the part that cried on the toilet when all that was left inside of me was bile that burned when it dripped out.
Part of the appeal of anal sex or rimming, for me, has always been the shame. The feeling of someone’s hand, cock, mouth, there. The excruciating knowledge that they could tell exactly how much I liked it used to be enough to push me over the edge. Desires are often the fetishization of some deep-seated shame. But now, I can’t separate the dirty thrill of feeling disgusting from the fear and anxiety of actually being disgusting. What if I get them sick? What if I give them C. diff? What if they don’t want to touch me there anymore, now that they know how dirty I really, really am?
I’d been honest about the potential risks with my partners, but I hadn’t realized about the risk to myself. When I decided to stop hiding the experience of existing in my body from my partners and friends, I found a deeper intimacy with them. But doing so also forced me to acknowledge the truth to myself. My ass has polyps. It has scars. It has internal and external hemorrhoids. The skin is delicate enough that I bring my own toilet paper with me on trips, to make sure I don’t have to deal with chafing. I am sick, and it is dirty. But I still really like having it eaten.
Wonder Woman’s Star-Spangled Butt Has Always Been a Canvas for Feminist Hope and Male Misogyny
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now.
If you can’t remember how any of the bad guys or good guys in Zack Snyder and Joss Whedon’s 2017 Justice League reacted to Wonder Woman’s heroics, or even how Wonder Woman herself felt about thwarting terrorists and saving the galaxy, that’s probably because you never saw a reaction shot of anyone’s face in response to Wonder Woman’s victories. Instead, what you saw, was a whole lot of Wonder Woman’s ass.
How’d that bank robber feel when she slid along the floor in front of a group of hostages and pinged away all his bullets with her golden cuffs? Can’t say, but I know what her ass looked like right after. How did she feel when she was fighting a grizzled Bruce Wayne about assembling a league of superheroes? Not sure, but I know how her ass looked when she was arguing with him. How’d her strut compare to Batman’s, fully suited up? Don’t know, but I sure did see her ass while Batman was skulking away from the camera. In fact, nearly every time Diana of Themyscira, daughter of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons and Zeus, the mightiest of the Gods of Olympus, entered a scene, she did so ass first, and the camera lingered and leered as it brought the men in the frame into focus.
Wonder Woman’s butt in The Justice League.
Snyder and Whedon are not, of course, the first men to use Wonder Woman’s body — and especially her butt — as a blank page onto which they could project their feelings about Wonder Woman, specifically, and women, generally.
Wonder Woman was conceived as an avatar. Tired of the “blood-curdling masculinity” of Golden Age Comics and endless real life wars waged by leaders of the Western world, William Moulton Marston designed Wonder Woman, in 1941, as his feminine standard bearer who would usher in matriarchal rule in the United States. He believed men needed to submit to women’s “loving authority,” in all ways, including sexually, which is why Wonder Woman’s weapon of choice is a Golden Lasso that she used during Marston’s days to tie up her enemies and friends almost constantly. (But it did only work one way; Marston’s comics warned that Wonder Woman should never allow herself to be chained to or by a man, because it would only lead to her oppression and render her powerless.) Marston told anyone who would listen that his Wonder Woman represented all women, who could use the “charm, allure, oomph, and attraction” of their bodies to make men submit to them. Marston was a huge fan of bondage, and while his Wonder Woman embodied a lot of still progressive feminist ideals, there’s really no way to look at his comics without acknowledging that they are, in part, real life bondage evangelism.
Wonder Woman’s butt (again) in The Justice League.
The 75 years between Marston and Snyder/Wheedon showcase a kaleidoscope of societal feelings about women being painted across Wonder Woman’s body. During the mass mobilization of women workers during World War II, Wonder Woman was basically a Rosie the Riveter. In the ’50s, when men returned home and the The Office Of War Information shifted their propaganda messaging to coerce women out of factories, Wonder Woman curbed her heroics and became a love advice columnist who got engaged to the bumbling Steve Trevor. In the late ’60s, she gave up her superpowers and started a detective agency as a regular human woman who was more concerned with mod fashion than bank robbers. Gloria Steinem forced a feminist return to Wonder Woman’s roots in the ’70s by making her the cover girl of Ms. Magazine, a legacy Lynda Carter carried on in her TV series.
The ’80s and ’90s saw the rise of Wonder Woman in the “broke back” (not Brokeback) pose — literally impossible, contortionist, sexualized positions artists draw women in to accentuate their boobs and butt at the same time, while they, say, grapple with an octopus.
Carolyn Cocca, who coined the phrase, found that “male [superheroes] are generally drawn facing front with a focus on their musculature, but female [superheroes, including Wonder Woman] are often drawn from the back or from the side, large-breasted and small-waisted, long-haired and long-legged, sometimes without their faces shown at all.”
But as much as Wonder Woman’s appearance and motivation and backstory have changed over the years, one thing has remained the same — it is women who repeatedly pull her out of the grip of sexist men and allow her to reclaim her power. Gloria Steinem was outraged about the late ’60s mod Wonder Woman, and she personally petitioned DC to give her back her superpowers and return her to her roots: “With some reluctance, they agreed. Steinem remembers ‘the person in charge of Wonder Woman calling me up from DC Comics. He said, ‘Okay. She has her magical powers back, her lasso, her bracelets… Now will you leave me alone!’”
Similarly, on the big screen, both Patty Jenkins and Angela Robinson have rescued Wonder Woman from the clutches of men. Jenkins, of course, directed Wonder Woman — and in two-and-a-half hours, she never once shows us Wonder Woman’s ass. Even the scene where it would have been most excusable side-steps it, as Wonder Woman throws off her cloak in a World War I trench and steps out onto the battlefield in her full Wonder Woman regalia for the first time. She climbs a ladder, but the camera doesn’t pan up her body. It’s her boots, her hands on the ladder, her shield, her boots again, strength upon strength, and then she’s striding forward into open fire.
Wonder Woman’s entire body, including her face, walking into battle in Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman’s butt walking into battle with Batman in The Justice League.
Just her whole butt.
Robinson’s Professor Marston and the Wonder Women could have also taken ass liberties. It is, after all, essentially a biopic about Marston’s life and relationships with his wife, Elizabeth Holloway Marston, and their polyamorous life partner, Olive Byrne. In real life, both women were his inspiration for Wonder Woman, but the film gives Olive a little more credit. When Olive tries on the prototype Wonder Woman outfit for the first time, it’s not Marston’s reaction Robinson is concerned with. It’s Olive’s first, as she sees herself in the mirror and breathes in the power of the way she looks. And then it’s Elizabeth, who is literally stopped in her tracks and overcome with desire and awe. Marston stays always behind Elizabeth. When they all act on their feelings for each other, it is Elizabeth and Olive whose pleasure is at the center of the story.
Olive in Professor Marston and the Wonder Women.
Elizabeth in Professor Marston and the Wonder Women.
Laura Mulvey, who created the theory of the male gaze, says it happens on three levels: the man who controls the creation of the image, the male character’s response in the story, and what those two things collectively invite the men in the audience to think or feel or do. When the first two levels are removed from the equation, the third one is decimated by default.
Really, the entire history of Wonder Woman — and the ways her body has been used to try to both empower and control women; to reinforce current societal ideas about gender roles and femininity and beauty; to make political statements; and to satisfy men who feel entitled to commodify women’s bodies in the real world — lives between Snyder/Whedon and Jenkins/Robinson.
The jokes in The Justice League are all about how the men want to have sex with Diana. Her lasso compels Aquaman to get vulgar about it, The Flash Falls on top of her boobs, Alfred (Alfred!) taunts Bruce about wanting to do more than fight crime with her. Snyder and Whedon offer endless butts and the opinion that women exist for the pleasure of men. Jenkins offers the opposite: no butts, just a whole entire powerful body Diana controls. And the belief that men might be essential for procreation — but when it comes to pleasure? Unnecessary.
6 Sex Toys to Really Make an Impact (on Someone’s Butt)
Sponsored by Eve’s Toys.
Is there anything butts can’t do? Let us be thankful, today and all days, for butts. The possibilities for butt play and pleasure seem almost endless — not only inside, but also outside! This guide walks beginners to impact play through slappers, crops, and light paddles and floggers, helping you find the perfect match for you and your butt (or someone else’s).
Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off one item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are noted in the post.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.
Scarlet Couture Diamond Whip
50% Discount
Cracking a whip (or flogger, which is really what this is) is so hot, but also can often be so expensive! To get into impact play with floggers, try out this vegan leather option; it’s lightweight, approachable, and gives your activity partner a pleasantly stingy sensation that may be easier for beginners to control. If you and your activity partner are ready for more, try out NSFW Consultant Carolyn’s hot hot tip: “If someone bought this and wanted it to be even stingier, using sharp scissors to trim the ends of each fall so they’re a point instead of blunt could help!”
Buy the Scarlet Couture Diamond Whip
Scarlet Couture Paddle
50% Discount
Ready to try out spanking (or spanking with something that isn’t your hand)? This lightweight paddle is great for warmups or for light impact play, and wow, free rope?? Will wonders never cease! Although too thin little thin to be ideal bondage rope, it’s a fun and easy entry point into trying out bondage 101.
Buy the Scarlet Couture Paddle
Tantric Satin Pleasure Whip
50% Discount
You want the authority and power of holding a whip in your hand; they want luxurious sensual teasing. Sounds like what you both want is the Tantric Satin Pleasure whip; it’s not designed for flogging as such, and the falls are a soft satin that’s perfect for teasing and stroking across skin rather than impact. If the feeling of satin and the satisfying whishing sound of falls through the air is what you’re looking for, this whip is all pleasure, no pain.
Buy the Tantric Satin Pleasure Whip
Leather Heart Impression Slapper
50% Discount
Love the sound of a loud, crisp slap, you’ll love this slapper — perfect for when you and your bottom (and their bottom) want the sensory experience of loud impact without worrying about hitting too hard. The cute little hearts? A cherry on top.
Buy the Leather Heart Impression Slapper
Fur-Lined Paddle
50% Discount
Life is all about contrasts — work and play, whiskey shots and pickle chasers, prestige television and rewatching Love Actually. Get into the duo of the stingy, slappy smooth side and thuddier, cushioned fur-lined side of this paddle and spend a whole evening — or a whole quarantine — trying out all the possible combinations of both.
Impressions Heart Crop
50% Discount
If you’re ready to get in touch with your inner Lucy-Liu-as-Corporate-Dominatrix-in-Charlie’s-Angels self in an approachable way, the Impressions Heart Crop is waiting for you. Its length gives beginners lots of control, and your activity partner can experience a beginning level of pain with a satisfying slap — and depending on your force and your activity partner’s body, maybe you’ll get some cute heart impressions left behind as a souvenir. Practice on pillows and yourself first to make sure you have the control you need to use just the tip!
Buy the Impressions Heart Crop
Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off one item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are noted in the post.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.
Editor’s Notes: On Butt Week
An inside look, just for A+ members, from Autostraddle’s editors on the process, struggles, and surprises of working on what you’re reading on the site. We learn so much from this work before it ever even makes it to your eyes; now you can, too!
I was sitting at my little desk in my little living room, staring out my little window and thinking about this one girl’s extremely good ass: in blue cotton underwear; in a black swimsuit floating across a pool; in the kitchen while coffee is brewing; in my hands. And the thing about asses is that “good” is subjective and yet already true of all asses, so really the winner here and henceforth is whomsoever is perceiving or has perceived the ass or asses. That is a truth that’s true no matter what else is happening in this godforsaken world, this busy rotten place, this wonderful home to asses and kittens and peach jam and biscuits and books you’ll never read. It’s an always true truth. Asses are so good.
And it was with this energy and armed with this truth that I wandered into our editorial channel in Slack and said:
And because it came from such a pure and true place, the effect of it then sitting there, quite naked and without reply for several minutes, was similar to what I imagine grows in the protracted and unexpected silence after one says, “I love you!” in a moment that might later be described as heady or indeed even a bad idea, which is: panic. I felt self-conscious and began to doubt my own genius (how sad!), so I did what I always do when I need validation!
https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/1311399289558495233?s=20
Once the people of Twitter had spoken out in support of my very good idea, I marched back into our little Slack office — this time taking it directly to the team — and set this thing in motion.
![Screenshot of a Slack convo. Laneia: "Anyone here interested in a butt week? Idk what it is yet but I know it's called Butt Week" Vanessa: " [peach emoji]" Drew: "Yes" Sarah: "BUTTS!" Heather: "to quote alicia silverstone as cher horowitz in the 1995 classic, and all time greatest jane austen adaptation, clueless: i am totally butt crazy in love with josh* *butt week"](https://autostraddle-develop.go-vip.net/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Screen-Shot-2020-10-20-at-12.33.31-PM.png?w=1112&resize=1112%2C405)
Working at Autostraddle means being just absolutely surrounded on all sides by brilliance and creativity, and this wild contagious energy that invites everyone to get involved, so that’s what happened. In less than an hour the entirety of Butt Week had been mapped out. As for the publishing schedule, I knew I wanted this out before the holidays took over our lives, and I wanted to kick it off with something from Archie — originally expecting a Grease Bats installment, which eventually transitioned to a post filled with coloring pages — because if you know Archie, you know how Archie feels about butt stuff. It was meant to be. It also worked out that Archie was able to do all of the original artwork for the entire week! The header graphic and all the feature images came from their peachy bum-loving heart. Bless!
Vanessa showed you how to take the best butt selfies, Malic made a playlist for you and your butt and even took the time to make the case for farting in front of your partner, Carolyn rounded up the best butt toys, Valerie Anne gathered a variety of television butts of note, Drew casually drummed up a devastating personal essay on poppers, and we republished our classic review of the Njoy Pure Plug, and we’re only getting started!
Is this the best idea I’ve had since these cashews? Honey, it might be. I hope you’ve enjoyed everything so far, and I hope you’re ready for even more, because wow there is so much coming your way this week!
5 Good Reasons to Just Fart in Front of Your Partner Already
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. Today Malic makes the researched and cited case for farting right in front of your partner! Just do it!
Everybody farts. You fart. Your therapist farts. And that cute barista who only charges you for black coffee when you order an oat milk latte? Oh yeah, she farts, too. She was probably farting this morning while making said latte, relying on the loud slurping sound of the milk steamer to cover the sound. If that doesn’t impress you, then you don’t deserve her.
It’s Butt Week here at Autostraddle, and while my queer colleagues take on the sexier side of all things ass, I’m here to write in defense of farts. You’re welcome. Lesbian relationship expert Dr. Frankie of Are You The One? fame insists that we should never fart in front of partners lest we ruin “the mystique,” and to that I say, what mystique?! Does anyone really believe that the people we love don’t fart? We are all farting all the time. Some of us are just good at hiding it. Consider this your invitation to stop hiding, loosen your cheeks, and let your sphincter siren sing for the one(s) you love.
First, a quick Farting 101: We fart because we’ve swallowed air throughout the day and because the large intestine produces gas when it’s breaking down our food. All of that gas has to escape somehow, so it exits through your mouth in the form of a burp or it bolts from your butt in a trumpeting toot. Sure, we can take steps to reduce our farting if we quit chewing gum, cut down on the La Croix, chew our food more thoroughly, and eschew Brussels sprouts, but we’re going to keep on breaking wind. If you have a digestive illness like Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Celiac disease, Crohn’s disease, or colitis, you probably fart more than the average person, but even those with healthy digestive systems fart between 5 and 23 times per day. It’s a normal and necessary bodily function, but most of us (particularly those of us who aren’t dudes) are taught that farting is deeply embarrassing, especially when it happens in the presence of the people we date.
A Mic poll that surveyed 125 people in their twenties and thirties found that just over half of its respondents had farted in front of their partner within six months of dating, but over a quarter of those surveyed waited longer than six months to a year (a YEAR!) before openly breaking wind. Those folks were either holding in their farts or hiding them, and the internet contains a rich archive of various fart-stifling techniques. Some people spread their cheeks to prevent their farts from making sound. Others employ the dubious “cough-while-you-fart” method or save their farts for a visit to the bathroom. For the first few months of dating my girlfriend, I employed a technique that the internet dubs the “muffled tailpipe”, which involves wadding up toilet paper and holding it over your booty hole to muffle the sound of your flatulence.
Folks, we’re still in the midst of a pandemic. Many of us have quarantined with our partners, sometimes in tiny apartments, and that makes hiding our farts a little more complicated. So stop hiding! Cut one loose in front of the boo! Here are five reasons why you should start farting in front of your partner ASAP:
1. Holding in your farts hurts.
Squeezing your cheeks together and keeping your farts inside isn’t going to kill you, but it definitely won’t feel good. When you hold in your farts, you might experience pain, bloating, indigestion, or heartburn. “Mystique” isn’t worth gastrointestinal discomfort! Plus, those farts you’re holding in will have to escape at some point, and you might not be able to control when that happens.
2. Holding in your farts increases the likelihood that you’ll pass gas at an unexpected (and inopportune) time.
The longer you keep those farts inside, the less control you have over when and where they escape. Some moments are undeniably better for farting than others (i.e. farting while you and your partner are watching PEN15 vs. farting during sex). Of course, you might seize every ideal farting opportunity and still accidentally let one rip while you’re banging. It happens. Laugh and take it in stride.
3. You’re giving your partner permission to fart, too.
If you’ve never noticed your partner’s farts, they’re definitely engaging in some kind of theatrics to hide them, and they’d probably breathe a sigh of relief if they knew they could let loose. Go ahead and open the farting door — you’ll both feel more comfortable, physically and mentally.
4. Farting in front of partners builds intimacy.
The Mic survey found that most people fart in front of their partners right around the six month mark, which is when partners in long-term relationships typically say “I love you.” Farting and dropping the L-word both signal that you’re comfortable around each other. You’re willing to be vulnerable and honest, and isn’t that what love and connection is all about? If you’ve been putting parts of your bodies inside each other’s bodies, you should be able to acknowledge that those bodies also fart.
5. It’s funny (to some of us)!
You probably thought this article would be all farts and games, but I can’t write about flatulence without writing about patriarchy. A study published in the journal Social Problems found straight men were most likely to think that farts are funny. More than half of straight women and “non-heterosexual” men were uncomfortable farting in front of others because they feared that farting made them less attractive, and “non-heterosexual” women were the least likely to laugh at a fart.
The short version: Most of us who aren’t straight, cis dudes are expected to have better control over our bodily functions. That messaging comes from our families, our relationships, and the media (remember how Carrie Bradshaw responded when she farted in front of Mr. Big?). We’ve learned to stigmatize farting, and that socialization is hard to undo. I’m asking you to try to undo it because — wait for it — farting is a feminist issue! Releasing your butt valve in front of a partner is a radical act of rebellion! When you laugh at your own farts and at your partner’s farts, you are laughing in the face of misogyny! Partners who fart together dismantle the patriarchy together! Does that make you want to let one rip? I certainly hope so.
11 of the Best Lesbian and Bisexual TV Butt Moments
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. Today Valerie’s got some teevee butts for you!
When I was thinking about what I could possibly contribute to Butt Week, I decided to stick to my wheelhouse: Television. And while I could have taken this literally and gone a little more PG-13 and talked about all the times we got to peep a bum in queer TV shows, my wily little brain went an entirely different direction. So without further ado, some of my favorite butt moments in lesbian/bisexual/queer television history.
Emily Fields says she doesn’t want to get splinters in her perfect derrière at pity prom, Pretty Little Liars
I’m pretty sure you could think of any noun and one of the Liars has said something ridiculous about it at one point or another.
Anissa and Grace kick each other’s butts in a sexy way, Black Lightning
I think Carmen said it best: “Listen, what I’m saying is that as far as I’m concerned this is another Thunder Grace sex scene, and you will never be able to convince me otherwise.”
“You have a lobster on your butt,” Garnet to Pearl, Steven Universe
I know I’m just immature enough to be watching cartoons when a phrase like this makes me giggle like a kid.
Theo Crain falls on her butt because she’s been drinking her feelings, The Haunting of Hill House
If I had a nickel.
Sameen Shaw uses the butt of her axe to kick some butt, Person of Interest
Is this cheating? Who cares, I made up the rules, I can break them!
Brittany gives Santana’s butt an encouraging slap before performing Valerie, Glee
I’ll be honest this is the first thing I thought of. My name is Valerie, this moment was designed just for me and you’ll never convince me otherwise.
Maze grabs Linda’s butt during a “friendly” hug, Lucifer
This was hard to narrow down. Butts were slapped or squeezed innumerable times on this show, mostly by Maze.
Nicole Haught compliments Wynonna’s butt. Wynonna Earp
If you’re not complimenting your friends’ butts what even are you doing?
“How’s your butt?” – Sara Lance to Alex Danvers after she fell out of bed, Crisis on Earth X
Hopefully now that Alex has Kelly this is a less controversial statement, but Alex and Sara having a one night stand is one of the most epic things they’ve ever done in a Legends of SuperFlarrow crossover event.
When Shane lost the “Too Hot” game because she (understandably) couldn’t keep her hands off Carmen’s butt. The L Word
I didn’t MEAN for Sarah Shahi to show up in this list twice, but I’m not MAD at it.
And a bonus shoutout to this moment because the first time I heard it I didn’t realize that “fanny” didn’t mean “bum” in this (British) context:
“I love tits and fanny,” Emily Fitch, Skins
And in my defense of including this (yes I have to defend myself when breaking my own rules) she DOES say “bum” in that lil coming out speech.
What are your favorite butt-related (and butt-adjacent) moments from queer TV history?
Giving Poppers to Cis Women
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. Today Drew weaves her story of sharing drugs onto your brain loom, and you’re all the better for it. We’re all all the better for it.
From elementary school through college my backpack was always filled with extra pens. I never knew when someone might ask for one. “Oh I have a pen,” I could say, real cool and casual. It felt so good to be helpful. It felt like maybe somebody liked me. If it was a cute girl I’d dive for my backpack even quicker. Here is something useful. I am being useful. Please notice me. Please like me. Please accept me.
I’m thinking about this while drunk at a gay dance party with my crotch pressed against an Emmy winning actress. I’m thinking about this because I’m offering poppers to her and all her friends and I’m feeling cool and useful and like it’s possible I might belong. Twenty minutes earlier I was making out with my crush of eight months who two days later will be the first and only lesbian I have sex with — she won’t consider it sex because she’s cis. While I dance with the Emmy winner, my crush starts making out with my other friend — her ex, also a lesbian, also cis. I try to focus on the Emmy winner and her friends as I give them more poppers, but I feel sad about my crush. I feel stupid for feeling so sad.
At some point my crush and my friends leave and it’s just me and the Emmy winner and her friends. Then they start to leave too. The Emmy winner tells me she’ll be right back and to stay where I am. The thing is I really have to pee so I run to the men’s room — yes, gay bars in LA have gendered bathrooms — where I find a line of cis-appearing women waiting for the one stall. I do something I haven’t done in a public bathroom for years — I use the urinal. I’m fucking wasted and feeling irreverent and I say something about “trans privilege” before explaining who I was just dancing with and why I’m in a rush to get back. When I return to the dance floor the Emmy winner is gone and I dance with someone else for a bit and then go home.
That weekend there will be a lot of discussion about how this Emmy winner pulled me out of our friend circle to dance with me specifically. I will bask in these discussions not because I’m particularly attracted to this famous cis woman — there are no trans Emmy winning actresses, of course — but because it makes me feel cool and I want to seem cool in front of my crush and in front of all these other cis women who wish the Emmy winner would’ve danced with them. There will be a lot of drama and a lot of emotions and a lot of poppers and a little sex and then we will all watch the premiere of The L Word: Generation Q, a show with a lot of drama and a lot of emotions and no poppers and a lot of sex and no trans women and no trans women and no trans women.
I started giving poppers to cis women earlier that year. It wasn’t meant to be a thing — I just like poppers. I would explain this little bottle of mystery liquid with a matter-of-fact enthusiasm. Poppers are the chemical alkyl nitrate. They’re legal — sold as leather polish or room deodorizers — but they’re meant to be used illegally. Their intense high lasts about 45 seconds and it makes everything in the world feel good. Because it relaxes certain muscles, poppers are most commonly associated with anal sex, but they make all sex better. They make everything better. Inhale while on the dance floor and everything will be amazing for a brief moment in time.
I’m not a heavy drug user. I desperately want to shut off the anxious OCD voice in my head, but I also like to feel in control. This is why I love poppers; they take me outside my thought patterns so I can live in the moment without the commitment of a night on molly or acid. I can shake myself out of my own head, appreciate the specificity of the music or the colors or the people around me, actually find pleasure in sex, and then I’m brought back. I’m aware and present and can take control — if I want to. Often when mixed with alcohol or weed I can ride that poppers high through a few more songs or into a second orgasm.
Torrey Peters’ novella Glamour Boutique starts with the sentence: The poppers hit. Trans woman Amy has her mouth around trans woman Reese’s soft dick when the poppers kick in and suddenly Amy is sobbing. We learn that Amy has spent her life disassociating during her sexual experiences with cis women. Even with Reese their sex has been distant and boring and described as “camming, only in person.” Filled with dysphoria and years of supposed coping mechanisms, Amy doesn’t know how to let go. “The problem with the poppers is that it made her too dumb to keep all the cognitive machinery going,” Peters writes. “It all ground to a halt, and instead of the new lies, she fell into direct contact with a raw fact: she was a girl in love with a girl. It was overwhelming. It was all she had ever hoped for.”
It’s worth noting that this moment does not happen while Reese’s cock is up her ass or even hard down her throat. It’s worth noting that what I’m talking about here isn’t fucking my prostate — but having one. I’ve used poppers while fucking myself, but that’s rare for me. I’ve used them far more while dancing. I’ve used them far more with a vibrator on the head of my penis like the clit it will someday become — God/finances willing. The only time I’ve ever used poppers during sex with another person was when I was with another trans woman and it didn’t involve penetration. The possibilities of poppers go far beyond anal, the possibilities of poppers go far beyond cis gay men. Poppers can be a tool, a relief, a point of connection.
It’s the summer of 2019 and I miss poppers. I’ve been in LA for a few months and I’ve been single and navigating cis lesbian spaces, all poppers-free. I’m with a cis woman friend of mine in West Hollywood and we’re planning to go out ostensibly as research. She’s a director and she wants to make a show that takes place in West Hollywood and I’ve started writing a pilot based on my new experiences as a trans woman in LA. I’m telling her stories that might possibly go into this fictional world and she says, “It’s wild because I’ve never seen anything like that on TV before. But for you, it’s just, like, your everyday life!”
I laugh because this feels like a very cis woman thing for her to say. It’s funny and it’s true and it’s othering and I laugh. I’m ready to go out. And if we’re going to be going out in West Hollywood I want to finally stop by a sex shop and buy poppers. My friend has never tried them and I tell her I’ll share if she wants. I’ve done a lot of research and supposedly they’re safe and also they’re low commitment so if she doesn’t like it, oh well.
We end up at The Abbey, because it’s a weeknight and we lack imagination and also we’re very drunk and just want to dance. I inhale, she inhales, and I’m delighted to watch her delight. Her initial fear subsides and suddenly she’s giddy in the way I’m giddy and we’re hot and we’re dancing and it’s fun.
I’ve spent months feeling like an outsider, desperately trying to pretend I’m not young and not newly out and not newly single and not new to lesbian spaces and not trans and not different. But with the poppers I’m the expert. I’m the one offering a new experience. It feels good to feel useful. It feels good to know what I’m doing. It feels good to let go of my anxieties. It feels good to keep dancing.
I started carrying poppers with me wherever I went. If I was going out dancing my pants would contain my house key, my cell phone with my cards tucked into the case, and the little bottle of poppers I always worried people would confuse for a bulge. I started using them more and I started offering them freely. I hoped to recreate the feeling I’d had with my friend and it worked almost every time.
I wasn’t the only trans woman in these spaces, nor was I the only one with poppers, but I did seem to be one of the only trans women committed to being out in the kind of lesbian-adjacent space where AFAB people had never even considered using the faggotty anal drug. It quickly became a bit and I loved it. My difference as an AMAB person in these spaces always felt like an inconvenience or something to hide or something to be fetishized. But now I was useful. A cultural exchange from a person with a prostate to those without.
One night I’m in a convertible with my roommates and my roommates’ hot friend and I’m in the backseat with the friend and Tove Lo’s “Disco Tits” is blasting. The friend is queer but not super experienced and I take out my poppers and the wind is fucking our faces and we’re leaning on each other during this 45 seconds of ecstatic sound and sensation. When we get to the bar she says to me, “You know the effect you have on people, right? You walk into a room and everybody looks at you.”
Suddenly, I felt like this cool, experienced queer who writes for a lesbian website and introduces people to new drugs. I liked thinking of myself that way. I liked to imagine that I wasn’t trying to fit within the confines of an existing queer community — I was adapting that community to me. On the good days that’s how it felt to give cis women poppers. On the bad days it felt like I was still merely tolerated because Twitter says trans women are women — the poppers were just my way of winning them over. Even if you don’t actually believe I’m a woman I’ll at least prove myself useful. I can be so useful.
I discovered poppers thanks to my first out queer friends in New York. Three cis lesbians — Kelly, Caroline, and Laura — and one cis gay man — Daniel. Daniel had given Kelly poppers and now Kelly was giving them out like a missionary. When Kelly offered them to me, I was a baby queer and lifelong goody-two-shoes who had never done a drug except weed. But she said they were safe and Daniel said they were safe and I was ready to jump into my second adolescence so I said yes. It was amazing.
When I look at pictures from these months I’m shocked by what I look like. I bristle when cis people call trans people brave but goddamn I was brave to go out in the world looking that ugly. This isn’t about femininity or passability or gender conformity — this is about puberty. I was new and I didn’t know how to dress myself or how to wear makeup and I was just going through a totally normal awkward stage. Yet here I was out in the world meeting lesbians and saying I was also a lesbian and asking to be referred to as such. And these lesbians just got it. They saw me and gendered me and then gave me a bunch of drugs.
This was not my experience when I first moved to LA. I didn’t even look awkward anymore and yet I suddenly felt so out of place. I met groups of queer cis women and AFAB nonbinary people who all looked the same. These groups welcomed me with their platitudes and invitations while rejecting me with their looks and body language and the little things they’d say. I experienced the sort of community that so many trans women fear. They weren’t TERFs, but you don’t have to be a TERF or overtly transmisogynistic to make it clear trans women don’t belong.
The months passed and I found new pockets within our community. I found people like my friends back in New York — queers who formed community based on an expansive notion of queerness, rather than a unity of identity. It’s why I bristle at the romanticization of t4t despite how much I cherish my friendships and sexual experiences with other trans people. The trans/cis binary is just another binary. I don’t think that limitation of thought actually accomplishes what we think it’s accomplishing.
The last two years I’ve been in a group chat with Laura and Daniel and it’s one of the spaces where I feel safest in my transness. More and more I’m finding, cis or trans, the people I’m closest with are those who have really thought about gender. More and more I’m finding, cis or trans, the people I’m closest with are other queers without boundaries who don’t cloister themselves in a single identity. It’s these things, not the specific label “trans,” that I’ve found matters. I feel more accepted in my group chat with a cis man and a cis woman who have very different relationships to gender and bodies and queerness than I have in rooms exclusively for trans women.
I love being a lesbian. I love lesbian spaces. Queer women and AFAB nonbinary people are who I spent my life looking up to and wanting to be. I love being a dyke and identifying with dyke culture. I don’t want to abandon those spaces by picking another of my insufficient labels to hide within. Instead I want all of our spaces to widen. I want all of our spaces to interact. I want more people to be together and more people to feel included. I want a big queer party with plenty of poppers to go around.
It’s January and I have no idea in two months I’ll be in quarantine. I’m with four friends I met in lesbian community, none of whom are lesbians. Three of them are faggoty AFAB nonbinary people and we’re at Flaming Saddles in West Hollywood, a country western themed bar with pole dancers that has since shut down. We’re already drunk from dinner and we’re getting drunker. An old cis queen hits on me and I’m friendly until he leaves. A beautiful cis woman tells me she can’t stop staring at me and gives me her number. Then she tells me she’s straight. I laugh and say, sure you are. And then we all get drunker.
We end up at The Abbey and I give poppers to my friends. It’s not the first time I’ve given poppers to nonbinary people but it’s the first time I’ve given poppers to nonbinary people that faggoty and their joy far surpasses any of my cis woman disciples. Drunk and high and in my own poppers daze, I’m struck with a simple thought that feels like the most important revelation of my life. “Dykes and faggots are the same!” I shout. I start running around The Abbey shouting, “Dykes and faggots are the same!” I tweet it. I run outside, still buzzing, and I hit my head on a tree.
Back at my friend’s apartment, I’m sitting on the floor in the midst of the third blackout of my life and my friends who are dating are making sure that I’m okay. I am. I feel great. My one friend is still talking about the poppers and I tell them next they need to use them during sex. I take the poppers out of my pocket and set them on the table. “Here,” I say. “Fuck on these.” And they do.
My friend will tell you that poppers have completely changed their relationship to sex and their body and dysphoria. They now own several bottles far more artisanal than my own. They’re worried they might use them a bit too much, but God it’s hard being trans so whatever works, you know?
The story is supposed to go: I’m a trans woman, I started using poppers, now I love getting fucked in the only hole God gave me. The story instead has gone: I’m a trans woman, I started using poppers, they help me have fun when I feel like an outsider, they make my orgasms better, my friend now loves getting fucked in their hole I wish I had. We’re all just trying to figure ourselves out and what a joy to be in queer community combining our cultures and tools and bodies and desires.
I want to live in a world where I’m not the only trans woman in dykey spaces or the only dyke in faggoty spaces. I want to live in a world where the terms AFAB and AMAB are obsolete. I want to live in a world that feels as queer as I do. I want to live in a world without dysphoria. I want to live in that moment I inhale chemicals out of a bottle. I want to live in those 45 seconds when it all feels possible.
It’s Time to Put a Butt Plug Directly Into Your Butt
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. What are the best butt plugs for your queer sex butt? Great question! Let’s see what Carolyn thinks you might want to put in your butt today!
If you’re trying a butt plug for the first time, here’s how to do it, including how to choose the right butt plug, what lube to buy and how much (lots), how to get used to hanging out with your butt plug without it inside of your butt, how to warm up, how to go for it (slowly, and with lots and lots of lube), and what to do next. If you’re not, plug your faves in the comments below!
The Bootie
The all-silicone Bootie from Fun Factory is my top recommendation for a first stationary butt plug. It’s firm yet flexible, soft yet strong, not too short and not too long, and has a great base that nestles comfortably between the butt cheeks. The curved tip — which should be inserted so it’s pointing at the abdomen, not back — is great for gentle prostate or, through the wall of the vagina, g-spot stimulation. And if you’re concerned about poop, which you don’t really need to be but I get it, the black silicone makes particles less visible on the walk from removal to the sink. It can be boiled post-soap and water to get squeaky clean.
Gala Confetti Mini Anal Plug
If you’ve ever wanted to put rainbow bits cake up your ass, or just wanted to find a very cute butt plug, the silicone Gala Confetti Mini Anal Plug could be just what you’re looking for. The base has a safe yet smaller footprint, so you can wear it for a little longer or combine it with double penetration (or both), and the 3″ of insertable length and 0.75″ diameter will satisfy beginners and those who prefer petit plugs.
Mood Naughty 1 Butt Plug Trainer Set
This set of three gentle anal training plugs will help you graduate to bigger sizes or give you options for playing right where you are. Also great if every member of your throuple likes a different size of butt plug. Each plug is silicone and gently tapered, with a flexible neck and curved base for comfortable wear. The smallest is the same size as the Gala Confetti above, at 3″ of insertable length and 0.75″ diameter. The medium is 3.75″ insertable and 1″ in diameter, and the large is 4.75″ insertable and 1.25″ in diameter. Comes in black, pink, and confetti. Don’t forget the water-based lube.
Luxe Be Me 3
The graduated beads on the Luxe Be Me 3 plug have an anal-beads feel with none of the “will the string snap” suspense of actual anal beads. This plug is silicone, soft, and flexible, with 4.75″ insertable and 1.25″ width. It comes in black or pink.
The b-Vibe Snug Plug
The Snug Plug is the type of butt plug you can leave in as you move around the house for a while. The weighted silicone is almost as good as steel but for a fraction of the price. Like steel, the Snug creates a deep feeling of fullness, but has a flexible neck that moves when you do and makes extended wear possible (and great). Plus, it comes in a variety of sizes, weights, and colors: the small Snug Plug 1 at 55 grams and 3.5″ insertable (in fuchsia or black), the medium 2 at 114 grams (purple or black), the large 3 at 180 grams (teal or black), the extra-large 4 at 257 grams (black), and the XXL 5 at 257 grams and 6.3″ (black).
The nJoy Pure Plug
The stainless steel buttplug that needs no introduction, the Pure Plug is an incredible feat of engineering that never stops giving. The teardrop-shaped bulb tapers and then flares out to a wide looped base that keeps it secure and makes removal as simple as insertion. The heavy steel will feel a little cool to the touch at room temp, and you can run it under cool or warm water to add an element of temperature play. (The stainless steel also makes it super easy to clean.) The Pure Plug comes in small, medium, large, and 2.0 (larger), so you can find your perfect fit.
NobEssence Romp 2.0
This smooth, lightweight butt plug is made of solid hardwood with a nonporous surgical polymer coating, so it won’t retain odors or bacteria. It has a gentle curve and flare that you can wear in either direction: forwards for prostate or g-spot action, or backwards for tissue massage. (Click through to SheVibe and scroll down for diagrams.) Keep it clean with soap and water and use a generous amount of water-based lube.
We-Vibe Ditto Vibrating Butt Plug
They say you always remember your first — vibrating butt plug, that is. The We-Vibe Ditto is a seamless silicone-wrapped vibrating butt plug that you can operate with the controls on the base, with a remote control nearby, or with an app from just about anywhere. (We-Vibe had notoriously bad app security for a while a few years ago, but allegedly addressed the problem.) It has We-Vibe’s rumbly af motor and a great gently tapered bulb. The base can get a little wide for longer wear but is smooth and comfortable for shorter periods. The Ditto comes in purple or midnight blue. (For a prostate-specific We-Vibe vibrator, check out the Vector.)
b-Vibe Rimming Butt Plug
One of the greatest drawbacks to butt plugs is that if you’re using one with a base with enough flare to be safe, there just isn’t a whole lot of room for tongue action. How do you even choose? With the b-Vibe Rimming Plug you don’t have to, since beads inside the shaft rotate for a rimming-like sensation and a vibrator inside the tip gives you deeper stimulation. There are buttons in the base just in case, but a remote that works within 30 feet makes controlling your pleasure — or putting it in someone else’s hands — super simple. The Rimming Plug comes in a few sizes and colors, including tie dye (!), petit (black, teal, or purple), and XL (black).
Hole Punch Fluke Plug
Fluke is the rare plug that’s a plug and not a dildo, but is also harness-compatible — even though it’s definitely designed to stay where you put it. At 5.25″ of insertable length and 2″ in diameter, it’s not for the faint of hole. It comes in hand-poured silicone in blue ombre, yellow/orange, or pink/purple.
The nJoy Fun Wand
If you want the joy of a stainless steel butt toy without the commitment of buying a dedicated butt plug, the nJoy Fun Wand is a double-ended dildo that’s just as great for vaginas. One end has a significant single bulb if you’re up for a challenge; the other end has a graduated series of three smaller bulbs for a sensation that can get as intense as you want it to be. Compatible with any lube, though try it with Sutil Rich for a water-based option or Überlube for a silicone-based option.
Anonymous Sex Toy Review: Njoy Pure Plug
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. Today we’re republishing a classic sex toy review to end all sex toy reviews. Originally published October 22, 2013, were we ever so young.
Njoy Pure Plug
You can put this in your asshole!
Material: Stainless Steel
Size: (three sizes) 1″, 1.25″, 1.5″
Price: $65-80
I’m coming to you today as someone who, prior to this review, had only put a few things in her asshole. The tip of a finger here, a vibrator there, nothing too serious. And just so you know where I’m coming from, I’ve never had anything as large as a dildo or butt plug in my asshole. I just want you guys to know I’m a beginner here.
I got the Pure Plug in the mail and let it sit on my counter for about a week. This was not because I was scared of using a butt plug. It was more that I was so freaking turned on by the idea of using a butt plug I didn’t want to actually use it and have it be over!
You see, for years now I’ve been someone who was — how do I say this — conceptually aroused by the idea of having an asshole. So for example when a girl is fucking me if I can’t cum, I can just think about my asshole. Just thinking its existence, or how it feels to have one side of my asshole touching the other side of my asshole and maybe incidental contact it might be receiving can usually make me cum. This has been going on for about ten years now, and yet it only occurred to me when I stuck the small end of the Njoy Pure Wand in my ass that maybe I should get a butt plug.
It’s just like the three little bears… but for your asshole!
Okay, I’ll be honest, it occurred to me sooner but I was too embarrassed to buy any of the ass play sex toys I saw in sex shops. There I’d be, standing in the middle of Babeland buying a new paddle or squeezing the Shiloh and the Mustang, trying to decide between them, all the while side-eyeing the glistening stainless steel butt plugs.
So when I got the Pure Plug in the mail from Babeland it was like Christmas. Christmas for my asshole. And yes, after a few tantalizing days, I did take that butt plug down off the counter and put it in my asshole.
Here’s what I did. I had the smallest of the sizes (the Pure Plug comes in three) and I went really really sloooooooooow. And I used All The Lube. Mechanically, I laid on my back, threw my legs over my head a la a yoga “plow” and then inserted the Pure Plug with the curve pointing towards my belly button.
Actually, first I inserted it in my vagina because I am much more accustomed to shoving things in there and it made me feel more acquainted with the size of the thing.
Anyways so I just sort of let the tip of the Pure Plug hang out around my asshole while I started masturbating. I suggest little circles. Before I knew it the Pure Plug was about halfway in and then — “Plop!” My asshole sucked it right in. Well all the way in over the plug. The handle loop was still stick out.
OMG did I mention it comes presented to you like an engagement ring?
This is a good time to remind everyone that your asshole is a swirling vortex that will suck in anything you let it, so your sex toys all need to have a three inch flange. Many stainless steel butt plugs (like the kind with the jewels on them) don’t have a large enough flange! The flange is sometimes even smaller than the plug! The Pure Plug’s flange is right on the cusp of being large enough lengthwise, but it’s so thick and stiff that it would be difficult for your asshole to suck it in. That being said, a removable flange might just give you more peace of mind.
Regardless, like I was saying, with time, patience and lube, you too can experience the wonder of having your asshole suck something in. It feels good. If you know the feeling of going from “Not Quite Fisting” to “Fisting,” it feels like a less intense version of that.
Now that you’ve all come on this First Butt Plug Journey with me, let me start out the actual product review by telling you that nothing, and I mean nothing, feels as smooth as stainless steel on your asshole. If you’re someone who is turned on by sensation of soft, heavy smooth surfaces across any part of your body you’re going to be turned on by the Njoy Pure Plug. It’s just impossible not to be.
Once it was in, however, I found the real draw to be the weight of it. Even the smallest Pure Plug is 5oz and that feels extra heavy when it’s inside your asshole. As someone who’s so turned on by the idea of their asshole conceptually, I found that the weight brought my attention right to my asshole. Constantly. This was a turn on all by itself.
To be clear, you don’t use a butt plug like a dildo. You generally don’t thrust in and out. Instead you stick it in and mostly just leave it there. I did, of course, figure out some neat ways to bump up my enjoyment. One way I found was to go about all of my normal penetrative and/or clitoral stimulation but clench my sphincter muscles against the thin part of the Pure Plug. Another option was to rock the exterior of the plug back and forth gently. I also tried holding a vibrator against the exterior portion and the metal conducted the vibration to every last inch of my genitals. All of it was delightful. All of it.
The specs. The glorious specs.
Here’s the thing; once you come, you still have a butt plug in. In my experience, after I come I usually don’t feel like having my butt plug in anymore. Unfortunately, to me, pushing a butt plug out feels just exactly like taking the cleanest most amazing shit of your entire life. To date I am not yet, for this reason, comfortable taking the Pure Plug out while in bed. Usually I bask in post-orgasm glory and then sneak off to the bathroom to remove it. This is also sort of convenient because then I can wash it with antibacterial soap and water. You can also boil it or run it through the dishwasher.
The only downside I’ve found thus far is that, even though I’d never used a butt plug before, I found myself wishing I’d bought the medium or large size. The small is really quite small.
So would I recommend the Njoy Pure Plug? Duh! Did you just read that review? I sound like one of those people just discovering their clits for the first time!
If you’re someone who’s just getting interested in venturing into the world of butt play I think the Pure Plug is a great place to start. While I believe the price tag is worth it, it might be a good option after trying something else that’s cheaper first. If you’re someone who already knows they love butt plugs you can probably just go ahead and buy the Pure Plug right this very minute and move on with your life. You’re going to like it.
Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?
Pull Up To The Bumper: A Butt Week Playlist
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. Save Malic’s playlist so you can listen to it all week long!
It’s Butt Week at Autostraddle, and I have one very important question for you: whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? You better pull up to the bumper, bend and make your booty whop and shake it like a polaroid picture because it’s time for a playlist that celebrates the backside! From shoe-in’s ( “Bootylicious”) to corny classics (“Thong Song” — I had to) to queer punk deep cuts (“Political Asshole”), this playlist has something gratifying for every gay gluteus.
Even if the “dance floor” only exists in your apartment right now, these jams will have your rump shaking both ways (make you do a double take). If that’s happening in your PJ’s, more power to you and your bootylicious blue moon.
Drop your favorite butt-themed tunes in the comments!
Butt Week Coloring Pages!
Instead of my regular monthly comic, Grease Bats, I thought it’d be fun to give you all some printable coloring pages of God’s greatest gift to humankind: BUTTS!
Please print these out and color them as part of your self-care plan!
How To Take A Perfect Butt Selfie
Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now. Today Vanessa will teach you how to take a perfect ass selfie!
A butt selfie is a special gift. Butts are so good, and to capture your own via the trusty lens of a smartphone camera is a true accomplishment. All butts are perfect for selfies, and all butt selfies are to be celebrated. But(t) — even the most dedicated selfie photographer can struggle with getting the perfect butt shot. That’s what this guide is for. We are here today because we’re gay, and also because we’re going to learn how to take a perfect butt selfie together in honor of Autostraddle’s Butt Week and your perfect butt.
I’ve written quite a bit about taking photos of oneself and feeling hot as a personal journey. A couple of years ago the whole team weighed in on How to Take a Winning Thirst Trap and I gave my input. Last year I instructed you How to Choose Dating App Photos That’ll Have Babes Swiping Hell Yes, and I shared How I Claimed Being Thirsty as a Personal Lifestyle and Learned to Live My Dreams. One of the Autostraddle posts I am most proud of writing is my You Are Hot, Yes You manifesto: Your Homework For 2019 Is To Assume Everyone Thinks You’re Hot, I’m Serious. And just this past March, Molly and I told you that Selfies Are Gonna Save The World. I bring all this past work up to say, as always, my number one tip to taking a great selfie, of your butt or otherwise, is confidence. This list is going to address the nitty gritty of how to pose or angle your camera to achieve maximum butt goodness, but as cliche as it sounds, a butt selfie is best when you are feeling yourself and your butt. So slap your own ass and let’s get down to business!
1. Use a Mirror
It’s challenging to see your own perfect ass, so of course it’s tricky to get a full blown selfie of it. When it comes to butt selfies, a well placed mirror is your BFF. You can take a casual mirror shot, where you stand in front of a full length mirror and angle your camera so that you can see your face and also a hint of your butt, like, oops wow look at that my butt just snuck into this selfie of my face! You can also take a more pointed specifically ass-focused shot, where you pose your butt in the mirror exactly how you want it and angle your camera so your butt is center stage, up close and personal.
If you’ve got a mirror you can move around – like it’s not nailed to your wall or bathroom cabinet – you can actually put the mirror on the floor or lean it against a chair to achieve the exact height you want to reflect your butt at. And it can’t be overlooked that for this purpose, a floor-to-ceiling mirror – whether it’s at your gym, in your dance studio, in your lover’s bedroom, or perhaps in your very own home! – is ideal, the literal dream.
2. Invest in a Tripod
A mirror is an amazing tool when it comes to capturing your butt on camera, but sometimes you don’t want to rely on a reflection. In this case, I am a big fan of a tripod, or for those of us who simply are not going to buy a device to take photos of our own butts, a makeshift situation that mimics a tripod!
The benefits of a tripod are that you can move it wherever you desire, so you’re not relegated to taking your butt selfies to the bathroom or to the only room in your house with an appropriately situated mirror. This is particularly useful if you live with other people and the ideal mirror exists in the common space (unless your housemates are very supportive of butt selfies in which case, fun group activity! And also, get excited for step 5!). You can also take a tripod outside to get perfect lighting, and if you’re feeling adventurous and really want to grab a butt selfie next to a waterfall or amongst a field of wildflowers, a tripod allows you to do this! The other main benefit of a tripod is that most come with a little remote control clicker for your phone/camera, so you don’t need to be holding your phone for the photo and are free to pose your hands however you desire.
Like I said, if you’re absolutely not going to purchase a tripod for this purpose but still want to make use of some of these perks, a makeshift situation works just fine. I’ve been known to lean my phone against a pile of pillows on my bed to get the perfect ass shot, or simply lean it against the place where the floor meets the wall for poses where I’m kneeling or crouching. You can do this in nature too – who hasn’t balanced her phone against a tree stump or a perfectly smooth rock to get that ass-in-nature shot? – but be mindful that if your phone falls it won’t be tumbling into a body of water, lurching off a cliff, etc.
3. Experiment With Different Poses
Whether you’re using a mirror, a tripod, or simply your own flexible arm, experimenting with different poses is the key to achieving the perfect butt selfie.
It must be noted that depending on the size and shape of your butt, your ability to photograph it at certain angles is going to be easier/harder/etc. That’s why experimenting is so important! I can tell you what works for me, but I cannot guarantee it will work for you. What I can guarantee is if you go into this venture of taking the perfect butt selfie with enthusiasm about the project and enthusiasm about your own butt, you’ll have fun and you’ll definitely succeed.
To get you started, here are some poses that work for me:
- Stand up, bend one knee, and shift your weight so that you pop the opposite hip. Stick your butt out a little more than you would if you were standing naturally.
- Lie down, experiment with flexing your butt muscles vs. relaxing your butt muscles.
- Lie down, push your butt up a tiny bit so you’re not really lying down naturally but you’re also not really on all fours, you’re just like, lying down with your butt in the air a little bit.
- Lie on your stomach, one leg extended the other bent and pulled a little high, with your back arched – it makes your booty look extra big and round (this hot tip comes directly from Dani!).
- Kneel on the ground and rest your butt on your heels.
- Kneel on the ground and don’t rest your butt on your heels.
- Get on all fours, spread your legs out, and really stick your butt in the air.
- Sit on the ledge of something (a swimming dock, your coffee table, etc).
- Stand up totally relaxed and chill but put both your hands over your butt to draw attention to it.
4. Consider Your Butt Selfie Outfit
I think it’s a misnomer to assume a butt selfie has to be inherently thirsty or slutty, and I think a major way to make it clear if your butt selfie is For Cruising or For Wholesome Light Flirting or perhaps even Just For Fun is through the outfit you choose to cover your butt with.
Imagine a butt selfie where the butt is clad in denim. Hot and fun! Now imagine a butt selfie where that denim back pocket is flagging a red hanky. Hot and sexy and potentially cruising! Now imagine a butt selfie where the butt is not covered at all, but is lightly framed by a perfect pink velvet thong? Hot and extremely thirsty!
Your outfit can also come in handy if you’re a little shy about taking a butt selfie. Wearing a skirt that you can hike up a tiny bit to show the very bottom of your butt cheeks and nothing else is a great way to dip your toe into the world of butt selfies (and very hot, in my opinion!). If you’re really confident in your ass but kind of shy about posting photos of it, you can model a hot new bikini and post a butt selfie like, “oh look at my cute bikini!” And of course, if you’re sending deeply sultry thirst traps to a crush or a pal and you want to spice up your bare naked ass, fancy lingerie, skintight pants, or a particularly slutty short skirt all work great.
5. Ask a Friend for Help
This is controversial, but I don’t ever feel like a selfie needs to be taken all by yourself to qualify. Sure, the term selfie literally means a photo you take of yourself, but when I learned self-portraiture in high school photography class our teacher let us know that if we didn’t have a tripod and a remote for our manual film cameras, it was perfectly acceptable to set up a shot exactly how we wanted it and then ask a friend to push the button. I feel the same way about selfies. Asking a friend for help isn’t cheating – it’s community!
(This portion of advice assumes you are taking COVID precautions into account. Try not to hangout with friends outside of your pod indoors, to take butt selfies or do anything! Wear masks, stay outside, avoid large public gatherings, etc.)
It’s totally fine to ask a pal to help you take the butt selfie of your dreams; if they want some butt selfies too you can return the favor and give feedback about what’s working and what could be improved! I find it helpful to model exactly how I want the shot; I have my friend act as “me” and pose so I can take the photo and frame it perfectly to my liking. If you don’t have a pal who you trust to actually take the butt selfies for you, you can still ask for your friends’ help – text them your favorite butt selfies and ask for input and feedback and compliments, duh.
And finally, a great way to ask a friend for help in this venture is to take a butt selfie with your pal! The only thing better than one butt is two butts, so why not take some fun butt selfies together? Nothing says “queer community” like a group butt selfie!
Feature image shows Vanessa’s butt and Nikki’s butt.
Have you ever taken a butt selfie before? Are you going to take a butt selfie now? What’s your favorite way to take a butt selfie? Are you going to send a butt selfie in for our A+ Community Butt Gallery, publishing this very Friday, in celebration of BUTT WEEK? (How many times can I say butt selfie?!)
If you would like to be included in our butt gallery, which will feature anonymous butt selfies from our very own community and which will only be available behind the A+ paywall and is only open to readers 18+, email me – vanessa [at] autostraddle [dot] com – with the subject line MY BUTT by WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21. No additional info needed, all butts will be anonymous, simply send me a high-res photo of your butt. Nudity absolutely not required; if you do decide to be nude you may include your crack but no holes please! HAPPY BUTT WEEK!