Gayme Night: Build Community And Practice Resisting With These Two Tabletop Games

Hello queermos, and welcome to Gayme Night, a new once monthly column where I encourage you to host an evening with friends and family where you play board games. Why? Because board games are fun and they foster community, and we need all the fun and community we can get as we continue to power through this Trumpian dystopia.

Speaking of Trumpian Dystopia, have I got some games for you! The Resistance and Coup are set in a science fiction universe in which a corrupt government rules at the behest of corporate billionaires. THIS DOESN’T SOUND FAMILIAR AT ALL, RIGHT? Anyhow, in Coup, we play as billionaires trying to overthrow each other’s factions within said ruling class, and in The Resistance, we try to take down said corrupt government. Both games are all about lying your face off.

The Resistance

Wil Wheaton’s tabletop has actually featured both of these games, so you can check them out. Here’s the all-out psychological warfare of The Resistance, and played by lady-nerd favorites Felicia Day, Allison Scagliotti, Ashley Clements, and Amy Okuda.

The Coup

Here’s Coup, a much shorter microgame that doesn’t make me yell as much, as played by Wheaton, the Fine Brothers, and Felicia Day.

Sounds fun and not at all topical, right? Now I bet most of you have played board games, but who here has thrown a game night? I bet a lot fewer of you have! So I’m going to give you some fun stuff to make it much easier to put together a game night of your own.

Invite Your Guests

The Resistance requires five to ten players, and Coup requires two to six. So you’ll want to invite four or five guests to make five or six players, including you! I hand drew you an invite image that fits nicely into a Paperless Post. You can also use it on Facebook or Eventbrite or however you’re managing your guest list. Or just use this as inspiration to draw your own.

Plan Fun Makeup

If you check out my doodled invite, you’ll notice that my character is wearing some fun eye makeup. That’s because the Assassin card in Coup is wearing some fun eye makeup.

So I think it’d be a good idea if we all wore some fun and funky makeup. You can even get together and do said makeup before you play the games for a full on 90’s sleepover vibe. Because we’re gunning for sci-fi billionaires, I’d say we should lean into metallics. Since it’s just for game night, grabbing a set of metallic eyeliners and eyeshadows on the cheap is a good way to go. I found a set of eight eyeliners for $13.95 and a pallet of 32 eyeshadow colors for $3.95.

Remember to be culturally sensitive with your makeup! The way I make sure to do this is to impersonate David Bowie. Or! You can imitate the makeup on the assassin card for greater verisimilitude. Fun game night eye makeup is for all genders and gender expressions. Remember the Autostraddle butch eyeliner tutorial by Julie and Brandy? You can apply that to some rad gold liner! Or you can do something entirely different! Follow your heart!

Play With a Playlist

One of the things I’ve learned from playing D&D is that a playlist makes everything so much more immersive, so much cooler. Give your night the right atmosphere with this futuristic playlist I made you! It’s 44 minutes long, so grab up your Spotify and put this on a loop. The juxtaposition of future-peaceful and future-stressful is very intentional. If you stick it on shuffle, you never know what you’re gonna get, much like the experience of approving missions while playing The Resistance!

Share Photos!

Because this is a monthly situation, I’d love if it y’all shared photos with us! That way, each month, I can post photos of last month’s game night here. I especially want to see photos if you went full tilt into eye makeup this month, because that’s just fun. Photos of our queer-ass game nights help diversify the image of what it is to be a huge nerd, so tag us on Insta or email them right to me (ali [at] autostraddle.com).

A quick note. I link to the games purchasable on Amazon here because I want you to be able to order them and play them IF you don’t have a game shop in your area. If you do have a game shop in your area, I strongly recommend giving them your patronage. We want those place around—it’s how people find and play new games they’ve never played before. 

Nomadic Living in Unusual Spaces: The Kit

It started in 2009.

That summer I lived on a back porch with Libby, because it was cheaper. My alarm went off every morning one hour before hers and the air conditioner would hum hum hum and there were zero curtains for the wraparound full-size window panels that covered three walls. We lived inside of a glass box. We never cared. We smoked inside and I killed all the bugs and she and I did crafting projects together on her bed and eventually, I put a fridge next to my bed and filled it with 30 Coors Banquet cans at once.

That fall I moved into a new apartment for three days, living on a mattress on the floor and eating toast for lunch and dinner as I waited for my lease to go through. And then it didn’t. I moved into the sunroom of a group home filled with my friends that night and stayed on their couch for 30 days rent-free, sometimes worried about where I’d ever rest my head again and other times simply happy for the company. I stayed up late and waited for the last of the drunken herds to go home after parties. I gave money for utilities and parties and I bought many a six-pack for the crew. I was technically without a space, but I definitely had a home. I stayed there, moving at the end of the month into an open room for a year. (And now, as a rent-paying official citizen of the world.)

Next August it was time to move again, although I wasn’t able to at all. I had a new place, but it wasn’t empty, and my time in the big group home had come to an official end after I got chased out the front door by the new tenants, pile of magazines in hand. I had a couple days to bide my time with only 1/30th of my substantial pile of useless crap in tow, so I packed my Diane von Furstenberg suitcase and brought it to the house downtown where my girlfriend at the time lived. I spent a week there, living off of ramen I’d buy down the street and eat for dinner without any additions. I didn’t want to take up a lot of room, and I kept my suitcase in the hallway so that technically I was still free. Still roaming.

A year later, I moved into the upper back porch of a big house. I spent all of my time in the living room trying to assemble a future. “We move out September 30,” Carla kept repeating to me. But I had no job and I was depressed and all I knew was that I needed more time. When October 1 came, I was situated in my friend Amanda’s living room, where I set up a clothing rack and slept on a mattress on a box spring on a floor. And I was home.

I thought maybe I’d stop being a nomadic wandering kind after that, and especially after I secured a steady job and waved all my problems goodbye. But when my housing plans went awry earlier this year, my old ways came back to haunt me when I crashed at my friend Soph’s house, in a guest suite that had a tiny kitchenette and even a private bathroom, until the house we were moving into together was finally read for us.

It’s been six years since 2009, but I still find myself a perpetual houseguest who has a habit of landing in semi-private spaces when everyone else has a door that shuts on a room to call their own. I consider those spaces unusual spaces — they’re not quite rooms, but they’re not quite public space, and often not even communal space. I am the person who offers to live on the back porch. I am the person who would be down to live in the tiny guest room the dude who lived in your house before you used as a TV room. I am the person who can squeeze herself into any barrack, pack everything up on command, and feel at home simply by surrounding myself with my vintage suitcases.

If that sounds like you or someone you’re about to become, get ready for the wild ride with these tips, tricks, and product recommendations. Also, send me postcards.

1. A Set of House (Guest) Rules

When you’re caught in an unusual space — a space not built for you, or a space not built for people, or a space not meant for long-term occupation — it’s important to remember that you have the ability to go home. That’s a privilege, you know. A privilege and an honor. Every night you will rest your head, however uncomfortably and however late at night after the last beers are consumed, at home.

It’s also important to remember the limitations of living in an unusual space: the lack of storage and, presumably, a long-term arrangement for where to put any unpacked belongings before swiftly packing them again. (At certain points in my life, I began simply refusing to unpack anything, ever. Everything seemed temporary. Everything seemed easier when I knew I could flee at the drop of a hat.)

When it comes to living in an unusual space, the only route to survival is to count your blessings and minimize everything else. Your goal as a houseguest is to be out of sight and out of mind; your goal when living in a private but transitional or otherwise unusual space is to be able to make a quick run for it. And so you scrunch.

This is where we begin.

• Pack Light. When you’re getting ready to live transitionally or otherwise in an unusual space — when you’re moving onto a porch with absolutely no closet and you have no furniture, or you’re getting ready to live on a sofa or a couple of sofas for a couple of days — you’ll need, first and foremost, to pack. You will not be able to bring everything. There will be no way in hell you can bring everything. Use your absolute favorite suitcase and a sturdy, reliable, and slightly off-season backpack.
• Pack travel size anything and everything, if possible. Know that you are prepared to make your own way, even if you’re in someone else’s house. Pack razors (or don’t), a toothbrush and toothpaste, a towel, shampoo and conditioner (or don’t), soap, etc. Use the smallest possible forms of these things: travel-size tubes of toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, lube. O.B. tampons and a travel-size bar soap in a cardboard box.
• Bring only your favorite and most practical items of clothing. Nothing that requires dry-cleaning, hand washing, ironing or hanging. Bring stuff that accommodates a wide range of occasions but is also comfortable. And make sure you look damn good in it because it’s gonna be all you have to show for yourself.
• Bring books you haven’t read and books you’ll reread for sure.
• Bring with you things other people can benefit from, or that you can share. Bring leftover cookies from Grandma’s house, big blankets you used to keep folded by the bed, extra spoons and forks, money for the party this weekend, a big ol’ bag of solo cups, your L Word DVDs.

Now, sometimes you’re not in an unusual space because you’re a guest. Sometimes, you’re in an unusual space because that’s your motherf*ckin’ home. Got no closet? Got no furniture? Live on a deck? You can make it! I promise! But first, strategize and get the shit you need.

2. A Clothing Rack, Instead of a Closet

Whether you go big or just buy the ten-dollar metal hot mess on wheels you can find at Target without trying, a clothing rack will become your best friend in a portable space. Depending on your space, some features will be better suited to your needs: There are clothing racks that adjust in width and height, clothing racks with covers and built-in shelving units, and so on and so forth.

If what your space is missing is a closet, buy something that resembles an armoire, but with fabric instead of hard material as a frame, and also collapses into a stack of tin sticks. If what you’re looking for is that model-who-just-got-to-town vibe, check out the basic one-rod adjustable clothing rack I refuse to throw out that saved my life for four years. If you have a lot of clothes, double up on racks.

3. A Suitcase Collection, Instead of a Dresser

I have a collection of vintage suitcases that I began to buy, earnestly, out of a straight-up desire to own vintage suitcases. These bags are my everything. In every room I’ve had since I left my college dorm, they’ve become a sort of decorative sculpture, stacked on top of one another in corners or pushed ever-so-slightly under my bed. Right now, since I have no dresser, I use the DvF to store my pajamas and keep it at the foot of my bed. All my clothes that don’t fit in my big IKEA clothing rack are stored in the rest, stacked behind a chair in my room.

Because I have these, I want for no furniture. My entire life is literally always packed and ready to go. I am legend, is what I’m saying. And you can, too.

Though you can’t buy vintage luggage through our affiliates (sad, I know), you can buy a tote-a-ton bag from Samsonite, wannabe vintage trolley suitcases, and this kick-ass Las Vegas luggage set. I fucking love Las Vegas.

4. A Mattress That Doesn’t Weigh You Down

I bought a foam mattress at IKEA this year that can roll up and be transported, then easily roll out and expand to be a dense four inches tall. And y’all, I can’t even with this shit. It’s comfortable, totally affordable, and amazingly easy to move around, fit into weirdo spaces, and use on different kinds of bed frames. 5 out of 5. Would recommend.

You can find similar buys on Amazon, though I can’t vouch for those!

5. Decorations That Travel Well

The Things I Carry are easy to hang and place in every space, no matter what the walls are made of or how much room there is to display my belongings. When you live in an unusual space, that kind of stuff becomes key. I’m now a master at ledge decorating, considering I’ve lived in more than a few spaces where the windowsills were actually massive. And because all my stuff needs to hang is some masking tape, I can seriously take it with me anywhere.

If you were to go online right now and buy some candles, paper flags, and decorative things that are secretly just paper products with lots of ink on them, you’d probably feel like you were living your best life. And you could take that life anywhere, y’all.

6. An Electric Blanket

Unusual spaces are sometimes also, unfortunately, the spaces between Internet connections or without the best A/C or heating vents in the world. I once lived on an upstairs enclosed patio with no wi-fi or A/C, despite living in a house with a great router and central air. I also once slept on a mattress on the floor next to a central air vent that spit out cool air instead of heat in the winter, which was, um, stressful.

For a while, I relied on a space heater, but those are hella dangerous and my dog hated them. In response, I became a devotee of the electric blanket cult. I like curling up under an electric blanket on the sofa to watch a movie, walking around the house in an electric blanket that’s just been disconnected from its power source in the winter, and cuddling up under one when I have cramps or my back hurts. They’re lifesavers! They’re temperature equalizers! They’re something we should all know the joy of wrapping around our epidermis.

Buy one right now.

The Autostraddle Guide to Adopting Your Furry Best Friend: Cat and Kitten Edition

Before we begin:

via Cara Welfare Philippines, by way of Bored Panda

Okay, are we all properly misty-eyed now? No one can argue with animal adoption — offering a space in your home to a being who doesn’t have one, or even opposable thumbs, is a worthy cause. And we’re already on board with the Adopt Don’t Shop philosophy (adoption means saving a life!).

Let me tell you where I’m coming from: I’ve adopted three cats in my life. And not just cats, kittens. I never go in intending to adopt a kitten. I’m always like, I’ll adopt an older cat! They’ve already been socialized, they know manners, they’re not going to put everything in their mouths, it’s harder for them to find homes, etc. But the wand chooses the wizard, Harry, and the cat chooses the people. The first kitten I ever adopted jumped on my shoulder and then into my bag. The second kitten reached out through the bars of her cage and literally grabbed my fiancée by the arm and pulled her in close. The third started purring the instant I picked him up, he nuzzled into the crook of my elbow and the adoption specialist said, “Ugh. Please just take him. Just take him.”

We’ve covered adopting dogs. Now let’s talk about adopting kittens. Here are a few things you need to know and have when you’re taking home your very first feline fur-baby, speaking from the perspective of an adopter having done this three times now.

via Core Naturapthics

Are You Ready For a Kitten?

Kittens are far more than cute bundles of joy to hug and squeeze (lightly) and love. Remember that kittens grow into cats. My cat growing up lived to be 21. So you’re signing up to be a cat parent for a sizable chunk of time, if all goes well. And you’re signing up to deal with it if it doesn’t all go well (more on this later). Also remember that pets are part of the family — you’re going to need to care for this being through thick and thin, through cross country or even international moves. So here’s a small checklist.

• If you’re a renter, does your landlord allow cats? Are you aware of special circumstances surrounding pets in your building that you need to know about (like a deposit or pet rent)? If you’re already familiar, are those special circumstances something you can deal with? If you move, you intend to find housing that will allow your kitten, right?
• What about your lifestyle — does it fit a kitten right now? Having a kitten is kinda like having a sugar-high toddler. Kittens have a boatload of energy and none of the street smarts (or manners) that an older cat might have. You’re about to spend a ton of time pulling no-no items out of the kitten’s mouth, redirecting furniture scratching to appropriate scratching areas, and just generally staying up and worrying (kittens are babies, see if you don’t worry a little!). If you work non-stop or travel a lot, who’s gonna do that? Shelter animals often come from chaotic environments and they’re going to need their new forever home to be as stable as possible.
• Do you have the room? Sure, cats require less room than dogs. But lest ye have a 15 pound behemoth of a cat with weight-caused health issues, you need enough room for playtime, not to mention the litter box and the food dishes.
• Do you have the financial means to cover the adoption fees, food, supplies and medical care? If you can’t afford it, don’t do it! Volunteer at a shelter instead.
• Have you talked to everyone else you live with (partner, roommates, family, etc.) about adopting a kitten? Do they know what responsibilities they’ll have (litter box, making sure the house remains kitten proofed) when the new baby comes home? Also “talk” to any other pets that live in the house — are they good with cats? If you’ve got cat-aggressive dogs or a cat that would prefer to be an only furbaby, now may not be the time.
• Are you ready to take on the long-term responsibility that is kitten adoption?
• Are you ready to snuggle, love and possibly be groomed by your new bestie beastie?

If you answered yes to all these questions, or are willing and able to make adjustments to your “no” answers, sounds like you’re ready to start your kitten journey!

This image is actually desktop wallpaper.

Okay, Now Are You Emotionally Ready for A Kitten?

I ask this completely sincerely. What are your motives here? And here’s why I ask it: have you recently lost a pet? I have. The first kitten I ever adopted, Puck (who y’all know from the Tampon Cat Toy photos), grew into a 3-year-old cat and got cancer. We did everything we could for him, but he lost his battle while I was away at A-Camp (luckily we are a two-person household, or I wouldn’t have been able to get to Camp at all). My fiancée and I decided to adopt another kitten for a multitude of reasons: our other cat (who y’all know from the Kitten-Approved Gin photos) needed a cat-friend to hang with (she was very sad), our family didn’t feel complete, and mostly? I wanted to honor Puck’s memory by offering the space in our home to another furbaby. That made emotional sense to me. But I’m still jumpy — I’m still looking for signs that the new kitten is going to die (probably he is not going to die and I’m just traumatized). So was I emotionally ready to adopt a kitten? I think probably as ready as I’ll be in a long while, but the jury is still out. Do I still think it was a good decision? Absolutely — I love our new little family member. But I still think it’s a good question to ask yourself. Did you just go through a break up? Did you just experience loss? Are you adopting a kitten because you think it will solve a problem? All things to think about before making a commitment that is definitely not as temporary as your emotional state. Bottom line: Do you have the emotional energy to devote to this right now? Do you have the capacity to be a good cat-parent despite your personal upheavals? If the answer is no, wait a while. Your kitten will find you when the time is right.

What to Expect From The Adoption Process

Finding Your Shelter

It is tempting to go about finding your kitten in the standard way, and there’s honestly probably nothing wrong with it. That way, in this day and age, is going on Petfinder and finding a kitten that you like the look of. That’s actually not how I recommend you do things. I recommend finding the shelter. You can’t tell anything about a kitten from the picture and the description anyway — rarely does one actually adopt the animal that piqued their interest, in my experience. Case in point: my brother and I recently looked at the same cat at St. Hubert’s Animal Shelter. With my brother, he was a lovely purring puddle. With my fiancée and I, he was a growling terrified demon. The best description and picture in the world isn’t going to tell you anything about your compatibility with the kitten. But Petfinder is a good way to see what shelters you’ve got in your area and what kind of animals they generally house.

Then go pay them a visit. With your actual body. Is the shelter clean and stable? Do you like the way they’re treating their animals? Do you like working with the people? When they speak to you, are they giving you good clear information? That’s how you know your kitten is coming to you from a loving home, a place with people who you will enjoy working with. If you have a regular pet store whose employees you like and trust, consider finding out if that pet store runs adoption days for local shelters. See who they work with and why. Find the shelter first, the kitten will come out of that experience. Who knows? Maybe your new kitten will reach out and grab you, too!

A baby Maddie Taterka (Autostraddle Contributing Editor) with her baby kitteh.

Some Common Adoption Practices: A Glossary

Not all shelters run the same way, so it’s hard to tell you exactly what you’ll be going through. But here are a few common terms and practices you’ll see around.

Home Visit. Some shelters will come visit your house before they’ll adopt a cat out to you. Pros: this shelter really cares about their kittens and about fit, and they will honestly tell you if they don’t think the kitten you’ve picked is the right little guy for you. If you’re new at kittens, you can glean a lot of information from these volunteers and professionals, so ask all the questions. They’re your encyclopedia for however long they’re in your living room. Cons: this process can take longer (but kittens are worth the wait!) and can leave you feeling like you’re inadequate, or like the shelter is trying to catch you out. They’re not. Keep in mind, the shelter really wants you to have this kitten. The home visits are there to make sure you know exactly what you’re doing, and that you don’t pick a nervous, only-pet kinda kitten when you’ve already got a feisty Pomeranian.

Adoption Fee. This varies depending on region, but most shelters charge an adoption fee anywhere from $50-$200 (adoption fees for dogs tend to be more than cats at any given shelter). My fees have always been in the $125 range. This kind of fee covers processing and paid help at a shelter, as well (sometimes) spaying/neutering and/or shots and vaccinations. Make sure you ask what’s included and what procedures have already been done (you’ll need this information when you have your first vet visit). Don’t ever believe the lie you tell yourself that you’ll remember what they tell you about their vet records, you won’t. So get it on paper or right it down as they say it. Sometime shelters will waive adoption fees for hard-to-place animals, but this rarely happens with kittens as kittens are generally easier to home.

Indoor-Only. I won’t get too much into my personal philosophy on this one (all of my cats forever have been indoor), but shelters will ask you your philosophy on this. And many shelters really prefer that you swear on the Kitten Holy that she will be indoor-only. Please do not lie to them if your philosophy is different than theirs. If they say indoor-only and you agree, indoor-only please. This is your local shelter, and they live the same place you do — they may be aware of risks in your area. If you have questions about the risks of the great outdoors or the benefits of indoor-only kittehs, ask your friendly shelter employees.

Regular Veterinarian. Many shelters will require you to have your vet’s information on hand before releasing the kitten to you. This is mostly to prove that you know what’s up and that you intend to take your pet to the vet (in fact, many shelters recommend a vet visit within ten days of adoption!). This can be difficult, though, if you’re adopting your very first furry friend. Again, know that the shelter really wants you to have this cat. So if you don’t go in with a vet already picked out, ask them who they’re using. Make your decision based on their information (and since you already picked a shelter full of people you like and trust, you can be confident that you’re gonna like their recommendation). Keep in mind that putting down that vet isn’t a contract that you sign in stone — feel free to try out different vets in your area until you’re totally happy. Hell, sometimes traveling a little bit is worth it (for instance: I live in New Jersey, but I use a vet in Pennsylvania because I like them so much).

References. Some shelters ask for references, so go in with the contact information of two people who have lived with you and know how you treat animals (yours and everyone else’s). If you don’t need them, awesome! You’ve at least shared the good news that you’re adopting a kitten! Probably they have squealed with you and asked to come visit when the baby comes home. If you do need them, it saves you from making a few hasty shotgun phone calls.

Landlord’s Contact Information. Again, the shelter probably isn’t calling your landlord. They just really want to know that you’ve cleared this with your landlord, and that there are no unknown pet policies. It’s devastating to an animal to get sent back because the landlord said no. Go in with this information (and having cleared the pet with your building). And know that some shelters may actually contact your landlord (though it’s never happened to me).

What You Need To Physically Possess or Do Before She Comes Home

Kitten Proofing

Loose cords, string/floss/tinsel on the floor, lilies or anti-freeze? None of that! All of these things can cause severe damage to a kitten (and there is no recovering from anti-freeze poisoning). Make sure you know what’s poison to cats and keep that out of reach (did you know onions and grapes can both cause damage?). Here is one list of food and plants that pose risks. Here’s another that includes a few things other than food and plants. Do a sweep — where can your kitten get to? Are there any holes in the back of cabinets that will let them into the walls (true story, I have one of those in the cabinet under my sink)? Can your cat get into your antique sewing machine (mine is currently stuffed with worn out exercise pants to prevent such an eventuality)? Get creative, because your kitten will get creative. Your kitten knows no limits. The limit does not exist.

Food

Unless you want the stinkiest cat butt in all of the world, go grain free. In my experience, my cats on grain free food are less smelly/farty than my cats not on grain free food, but there is as always some debate about that. And kittens don’t generally do terribly well on seafood flavors (again, stinky cat butt). But other than that, you’re good to go! You don’t even need to get special kitten formula food as long as you look for the AAFCO standard compliance on the label — that means it’s got nutrients for all life stages. Here are a few recommendations:

via the Fromm Family website

Fromm’s Grain Free Entrée. What I use. What I have used for a while. For wet food, Merrick‘s really gross looking but really good for babies and adult cats. Weruva People Grade Pet Food is exactly what it sounds like: people food for pets, and they also make BFF at a lower price point (fish-based, though, so for when your kitten grows up a bit). Blue Buffalo Freedom is actually a kitten formula for those who are a bit nervy with the “all stages” thing. Oh, and also Halo Grain Free is partially owned by Ellen. Why yes, I did manage to find you a pet food that’s partially owned by Ellen DeGeneres. You’re welcome.

You may also notice I’m recommending higher quality foods at a higher price point than, say, Iams or Meow Mix. That’s because making the choice to spend a little more on food will actually save you money and agony in the long run. Better food leads to fewer vet bills and a happier life for your kitteh.

Litter

One option is Fresh News, which I actually really hate. But if your cat has recently been spayed or had hernia surgery, you want a litter like this that won’t get into their wee little incision before it’s done healing. Dr. Elsey’s Precious Cat is what we currently use, great clumping and good for multiple cat households. The same company makes Dr. Elsey’s Cat Attract, which is great for new babies who need a little litter box encouragement. Blue Naturally Fresh — it is litter. Made out of walnuts. I want to try it so much, probably once I’m finished writing this I will ask my pet store to order it. Also don’t forget a litter box. Literally, any litter box. This is the one we use — the high sides and hood prevent tracking.

I also highly recommend a Litter Genie. It changed my litter life. It upped my litter game. And I no longer have to trudge all the way downstairs and outside every time I want to clean the litter box. I can just put it in the Litter Genie and my apartment doesn’t stink. It’s also cut down on my plastic consumption, because I can have several days worth of litter all in one plastic bag without the distinct cat odor.

Treats

There’s not a lot to say about treats except to try your best not to get the ones that are terrible for them — look for things that don’t have “byproduct” or nebulous meat things listed in the ingredients section, and again go for grain free (stinky cat butt, etc) and non-fishy ones for a little while. My kittehs have a clear favorite: Bravo Healthy Bites Chicken Breast. There is only one ingredient: chicken breast. There are no other ingredients to be concerned about. It is literally just freeze-dried chicken breast and that is all. Sometimes the chunks are a little big for tiny kitten mouths, but because it is only freeze dried chicken breast, you can just break the chunks up. They are soft.

I think the most important thing to know about treats is that if you start them off on the good stuff and never do the Friskies or Temptations, you won’t ever have to do the Friskies or Temptations. I wish I had known that with my first kitten. Perhaps then we could have gotten him to eat a Greenie Pill Pocket every now and again.

Toys

Cats will play with anything. Literally anything that kinda moves or looks like it will maybe move or squeaks or jingles or crinkles. And they will lose cat toys — under the stove, under the fridge, under the couch. So. Don’t spend a ton of money on cat toys that will disappear, savvy? And also — don’t get the ones whose strings could come off. String is extremely harmful when swallowed for cats of all ages. Instead, try jingle balls that come a million to a pack and a couple special soft toys. A dangler is always entertaining for all parties involved. Our household has had great success with tunnels and interactive cat toys (but ugh, they’re ugly and take up a lot of space, so we rotate them in — they live in the closet part time). When your kitten is under three months, don’t waste money upgrading to a catnip toy — though catnip is healthy and fine for felines of all ages, kittens under three months don’t react to it. Some don’t develop a reaction until six months. Some don’t ever react to catnip at all.

Also, if you have stuffed toys lying around that are wee enough, stuffed toys can make the perfect kitten friend. One of our kittens stole this stuffed donkey toy (named Earnest) off my fiancée’s childhood dresser when we were house sitting for her parents. They’ve been best friends ever since.

Other Special Needs

Nail trimmers are going to be essential — kittens have needle claws that will pull your sweaters and dig into your arms even during the most mild of play times. You’re gonna need to cut those nails. This will vary in difficulty depending on your kittens purrsonality. Also, believe it or not, poultry-flavored toothpaste (our vet gave us this one). Your cats are gonna need their teeth brushed (that’ll prevent vet visits for bad teeth, thus saving you money) and when they’re kittens is the very best time to get them acclimated (so you can do it without getting savaged). So put a little cat toothpaste on your finger tip and play with their gums a bit.

Autostraddle Music Editor Stef Schwartz and her cat Scully say CLEAN YOUR TEETH!

You’re also going to be doing a lot of redirecting from scratching furniture or rugs — make sure you have a scratching post to redirect to. There are small scratching posts, but the appeal of the furniture is that it’s a) tall enough that the kitten can stretch all the way out on it and b) heavy enough that it doesn’t move. So if you’ve gotten the wave and they don’t seem into it, try getting a big heavy one that mimics the favorite sofa. We have this exact scratching post and all parties are happy/all furniture is intact. Declawing cats is generally not recommended as it is the equivalent of amputating human fingers up to the second knuckle; it throws their balance off and can cause chronic pain.

Cat carriers are useful for getting your kitten to and from the vet/cat sitter/other places you’re likely to go with your cat. They are also useful to have in the event of an emergency where evacuation is required. I like the collapsible fabric kind so that it doesn’t take up so much room in the closet while not in use, but some people/kittens prefer the hard-sided carriers. If your kitten has just had surgery or has special needs that require her to be kept quiet-ish at present (no flying leaps onto the dining room table, for example), consider grabbing up a larger dog carrier with room for litter, water, food and general existence so your kitten can have a “play pen” while unsupervised. This may not be necessary for all surgeries, however, so talk with your friendly local shelter employees to find out about your individual kitten’s special needs.

And speaking of water and food, if you’re not intending to share your own dishes, grabbing up some stainless steel bowls for food and water is highly recommended. I say stainless because they last a long time, don’t retain odors, and many of them are dishwasher safe. Bowls on floors can be slide-y, so grab one with the rubber ring on the bottom or else a mat (and if your kitten likes to play with the water like mine does, grab the mat for sure).

The Naming of Cats

Alrighty, ready for the woo-ish portion of The Kitten Kit? Anyone who’s read T.S. Eliot knows that a cat’s name is very important. And I have always, in one way or another, gotten what I asked for when I picked a name. For example, our kitten called Jeeves is a compulsive groomer. He even grooms our eyebrows in the middle of the night. We picked the name before we knew about that gem of a behavior.

This is Jeeves, by the way.

All I’m saying is, choose wisely. If you name your cat Houdini, microchip that sucker and fix those doors that don’t close quite right. And in the name of all your possessions, you might want to avoid “Mungojerrie” or “Rumpleteazer.”

The Vet, The Pet Store and Your Support Network

It’s almost time to set about enjoying the presence of your new best feline friend (or BFF). But do keep in mind, there are a few people and places you’ll now need in your life that you didn’t have before. You’ll need to find a regular vet if you didn’t already have one, plus the phone number for your local emergency vet (for off hours). Yelp is great for seeing who’s in the area, as is LocalVets.com, but keep in mind — people who have had negative outcomes (many of which could not have been prevented even by the best of vets) are more likely to leave a negative review, even if the vet was stellar. People who have had positive experiences may not think to leave a review at all. Seeing how the vet deals with you and your furbaby, personally, is always the best option. Asking pet owning friends and acquaintances for specific recommendations is also wonderful. Don’t hesitate to try a few vets and don’t hesitate to keep switching until you’re happy (not just with the way they treat your pet, but with the way they speak to you as well). Just make sure you have copies of all medical records to carry with you in the event of a switch. I like to keep mine all together in a folder. Post the phone number for the emergency vet on your fridge or in another central location — if you’re having an emergency, the last thing you want to be doing is Googling. Make sure all members of the household know where the emergency number is. Hopefully, you won’t need to use it. And hopefully you see your regular vet only for the standard stuff. Let’s all knock on wood, shall we?

You’ll be seeing your pet store, though, a lot more. So like choosing a shelter, it’s important to pick a place with a knowledgeable staff that answers questions confidently and clearly, and also knows where to find the answers when they don’t know. While some may not have options beyond Petsmart or even Walmart, I highly recommend choosing your local independent shop or even PetValu, a smaller chain, instead. It’s not always the case, but most often those employed at these kinds of stores have a lot more knowledge — and PetValu specifically has a program where they train their employees in training and nutrition through UC Davis. Smaller stores generally have a willingness to order foods or litters at your request, so talk to the employees if they don’t seem to carry what you’re looking for. And like your vet, try a bunch and keep trying until you find your favorite.

Lastly, it takes a village to raise a kitten (that’s totally how it goes). Mostly, your pet is your responsibility. But if you get snowed in over night somewhere, or you forget to turn on your air conditioning and it’s slated to be 90 degrees and you’re at work, it’s always nice if you’ve got a neighbor or friend you can call — someone with your house keys in case of emergency. These people in your life can sometimes function as pet sitters when duty (or vacation) calls. It’s always good to compensate them, but I’ve had great success in trading pet sitting duties.

So now it’s your turn — what did I miss? What tips and tricks for adopting kittens can you offer? DO YOU HAVE PICTURES OF YOUR KITTENS OH GOD PUT THEM IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE (and see this handy how-to for posting pictures in the comments section!).

Completing Your Motherf*ckin’ Dissertation In A Week: The Kit

Sometimes life deals you a crappy hand and at the end of a long, somewhat bizarre chain of actions-and-consequences you end up abandoning all the plans you’d been working on for months, and you’re left with one week to write your dissertation. Sometimes you’re just really f*cking lazy and god who even knows how to start on this shit, and you’re left with one week to write your dissertation. Sometimes both of these things are true, and you’re – you guessed it – left with one week to write your dissertation.

r u kidding me human
(This is how the actual cat I live with actually looks at me.)

I used to protest when people said things to me like, “Why am I even asking you about the essay? You’re probably not gonna even start till the day before it’s due.” I know I’m a bad student, see – I don’t usually do more than the bare minimum I need to hold my own in class – but I’d like to think I’m not that bad.

Now though? Now I’m learning to embrace this. ‘Cause you guys, I’m beginning to realise that I’m actually really good at getting things done at the last minute. It isn’t even panic that motivates me – things that stress me out include “bra shopping,” “heterosexuality” and “these goddamn moths,” not school assignments of no real consequence in the Grand Scheme of Things – but rather that I’m really good at pacing myself once I can see the deadline as clearly as a hard brick wall in front of me.

So today we’re going to talk about tackling 10,000 words of amateur academia in a week. There will be Netflix and kittens and not half as much caffeine as you’d expect. Get your game face on.

Getting Started

Put on some pants. (Both the British and the American kind.) Or a bra, or some shoes. Maybe a button-down shirt? Whatever it is that makes you feel like you’re doing Real Work even though you’re gonna be cooped up indoors for a week. Have you checked out our Autostraddle store? I did my entire dissertation while alternating between the red and blue A-Camp hoodies, so clearly there’s magic in them.

Set up your work situation. I have a typewriter and an endless supply of A5 MUJI notebooks to work through first drafts. When you’re working on the computer, I recommend Todoist, 30/30 and Self-Control. (I’ll admit the last one wasn’t always 100% foolproof for me, so as a back-up plan I also suggest “surrendering control of your Facebook account to your partner.”)

Go grocery shopping. No, seriously, you’re running a marathon here, not a sprint – if you’re breaking out the instant noodles from day one, you’re not gonna make it. Here’s what I prepared (mostly) in advance and kept within craving distance, in decreasing order of difficulty of preparation:

• Curry & rice/quinoa
• Roasted vegetables & pasta
• Hummus & pita/carrot sticks
• Oatmeal & fresh fruits
• Walkers salt & vinegar crisps (shh they were on sale)

Along the course of the week I also acquired two whole cakes (it was my birthday), an 8-pack of Kit Kat Chunky bars (also on sale) and a bag of salted peanuts. All of them were regrettable decisions. STICK TO THE PLAN.

Getting Down To It

Plan! Again! And then some more! It’s tempting to play it by ear when you’re so close to the deadline and frustrated by feeling you’re getting nowhere on the word count, but it is way worse to realise you have no idea where you’re going 3,000 words in. Fan of linear essay plans? Use Google Docs or TextEdit or something, no need to get too fancy. (I actively discourage getting fancy when planning.) Need something more expansive? I like MindMup. Can’t decide? Check out Text 2 Mindmap.

Pace yourself. Plan your work schedule, too: know how much you need to get done and by when, and be realistic about how much you can achieve in a day. Definitely take breaks, but remember that you absolutely cannot afford to be losing momentum this week.

Get your sh*t together (literally). I use a combination of Dropbox (check out alternatives if you don’t like the thought of Condoleezza Rice hovering over your cloud storage), GoodReader, and lugging library books in an an 18-litre cycling backpack everywhere to make sure I have absolutely no excuse to not be writing no matter where I am. Few things are a stronger motivation to get your thesis done than an aching back.

Write. Just do it. I believe in you.

Keeping It Going

Feed your face. Caffeine is not our friend. Well okay maybe caffeine is your friend (it probably is, isn’t it) but it definitely isn’t mine. Caffeine heightens my anxiety considerably while taking me through unstable highs and terrible crashes, so I look to alternative ways of keeping my energy up:

• Lindt sea salt dark chocolate
• Teapigs liquorice & peppermint and rooibos & crème caramel tea
• Bananas, apples, and all the berries

As a general rule, avoid sugar, alcohol and fatty foods. Eat plenty of protein, slow-burning carbs, and iron-rich foods. Plan your meals and space them out. This is probably good advice for life in general, but let’s be real, you’re a student – you can have pizza next week, okay? You can have ten.

BUT NOT NOW
via Shutterstock

Sleep well, but nevermind sleeping at the “right” times. You know what works best for you, and now’s not the best time to coax your sleep cycle into something that it’s not. I slept mainly from 5am to 2pm, only entering the school library after 10pm when everyone else was gone.

Musics! For college-themed aural pleasures (yeah I said it), can I recommend Maddie’s Surviving Finals, Rachel’s You Have So Much Grading To Do, and Intern Grace’s I’ve Got A Crush on Your Dumb Face? Oh, hey, I’m the only one here whose inappropriate feelings for unavailable women intensify as deadlines approach? Right. Well then. Moving along.

IT’S FOUCAULT’S HISTORY OF SEXUALITY THAT’S MAKING ME BLUSH, I SWEAR, NOT YOU
via Shutterstock

Netfliiiiix. I’m not kidding. TV series – in this case, Orange is the New Black and Suits, plus Laura has plenty of suggestions to realise your inner couch potato – help me work through longer assignments because they’re an integral part of my self-reward system. (Sometimes when I say “reward” I really mean “binge indulgence,” but that’s okay. At least I put a bra on, right?)

Remember: you’re okay. The best advice I got was “you’re writing a dissertation, not changing the world.” Keep at it and it’s okay if things are less than perfect. Your brain is going to feel like it’s melting all the time and you will be so tired but also there’ll be those moments when you’ll really get it, like really get it, and you’re a smart, competent human who’s done so many smart, competent things and this will be just one more of those things. Not getting it right now? Take a step back and breathe. Curl up in bed for a while, or take a walk, or text your favourite human/s.

The second best advice I got was “THINK OF HOW GOOD IT’LL FEEL TO RETURN ALL THE LIBRARY BOOKS.” And it does, trust me. It feels so good.

The Final Stretch

Last 24 hours? Now forget everything I said earlier. Is there not coffee in your hand RIGHT NOW? Is it in your MOUTH yet? THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS ENOUGH CAFFEINE IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM. There’s no more food left in your flat except canned soup and Twisties and lol, “sleep.” You’re going to see through the sunset and sunrise but you’re not gonna see either of them because you’re not looking at anything except your computer screen for eight straight hours. Yes you are doing horrible things to your body. DON’T THINK ABOUT IT. The world impatiently awaits what you have to say about postmodernist thought in Korean variety shows, you special weirdo.

Crossing The Finish Line

YOU’RE A GODDAMN CHAMPION. Look at you, accomplished human! You did read the submission instructions at least thrice, right? Clicked the second button on Moodle? Yes? Okay good job. That one sticky bit in the third chapter is probably going to bug you for a bit, but don’t think about it anymore – it’s nothing a good TV marathon or 16 hours of sleep can’t fix.

Before you head off to rejoin the human world (or hang out with your cat all weekend, that’s cool too), consider donating to or volunteering with a related charity/activist group. I know this is a weird suggestion to make, but hear me out here: I’m gonna guess that a lot of you will be writing theses on social justice topics, and while academia is important, it’s not activism. In fact, it’s quite likely you’ll be building on the work of organisers who first lay the groundwork and who are still at it today. Like I said earlier, you’re writing a dissertation, not changing the world – but supporting groups who work towards the same world that you want to see is an important first step to bridging the academy and broader society.

Now go forth and celebrate, champ. You’ve earned it.

Autostraddle Kits is a series where we tell you all the stuff you need to be/do a thing you want to be/do. Lesbian Activist? Heartbreaking DJ? Wanton Sex Goddess? Food Historian? Sort of like if Amazon’s Listmania and Amazon’s “So You’d Like to Be A…” had a same-sex marriage and then had a baby. It’s like a playlist, but for all of your senses!

Couch Potato: The Kit

For most of my childhood my parents didn’t allow cable TV in our house. As a kid, of course, this was the worst form of torture I could imagine. As pop culture marched steadily onwards, I feared, I’d fall further and further behind. Everyone would expect me to know things and I wouldn’t. My lack of coolness would compound, I’d be a dork forever, and I’d never, ever be able to catch up on it all.

Most of those things turned out to be true.

As an adult, however, this situation doesn’t seem all that upsetting. In fact, it only noticeably effects my life in two ways, as far as I can tell:

1. Pop culture references to The Simpsons go straight over my head.
2. I don’t always watch TV, but when I do, I go hard. Like, really hard.

In the end, it doesn’t matter whether or not you succeed in catching up; when it comes to TV consumption, it’s all about the journey. So today I pass the torch to you, kid. Below is a list I’ve compiled of everything you’ll need to maximize comfort and optimize performance in pursuit of the highest form of couch potato excellence: the TV marathon.

1. Performance Wear

How many episodes are there in your series — 20? 200? Whatever the number, you’re in this for the long haul, so first and foremost you need to work on getting comfy. For me, this usually means ditching my pants and shoes at the door and getting into something with a stretchy waistband. Think pajama pants! Yoga pants! Boxers and a blanket in case your legs get cold!

You’re the expert on what feels good to you, so take off your bra and get in there. Actually, you can probably apply this advice to all situations in your life. (I mean, no pressure. I just want you to be comfortable. You look cute today.)

2. Equipment

Nowadays when we say we’re “watching TV,” a lot of the time this actually means we that have our eyeballs glued to our laptops. This is wonderful and convenient but if you really want to get serious, consider an upgrade to Chromecast. (Or Roku, if you have the cash and prefer a separate remote.) This nifty device puts the TV on your computer back on your TV. I got one for Christmas and it’s just the greatest thing. This year I feel a renewed enthusiasm for sitting on my ass. Technology is a magic.

Now once you’ve got your TV casting wizardry set up, I want you to take a hard look and identify any other less-than-optimal conditions in your environment. Are you craning your neck up at the tv? Is your lower back supported? Do you have something to hug in case something scary happens on the show? A lot of problems can be solved with a body pillow.

Also, if you wanna ball like the Countess of Grantham (hint: you do), you need a tray with legs. You may not have servants to bring you breakfast in bed, but you can count on your little leggy wonder to provide a stable surface for your TV remote, cell phone, laptop, drink and snacks. I mean, you can put these items on the floor or the couch cushions, of course, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when you get up to pee and knock everything over. You’re much better off investing in the tray.

3. Fuel

While you’re binging on TV, you might as well binge on something else too, right? If you don’t fuel your body you’re just going to fall asleep and be sad and hungry and stuff. This is not the behavior of a couch potato champion.

When it comes to food selection, potato chips are a classic choice here. Grapes are a healthy and tasty option. I like rice cakes, in moderation, and ice cream sundaes. Themed cocktails are always classy, in moderation or otherwise.

Again, it’s all about your personal preference, but comfort and familiarity are key. You want your attention on the TV, not the unusually slippery new stir fry mix that seems to anticipate your every move and run evasive maneuvers in the exact opposite direction of your chopsticks.

4. Game Plan

I’ve saved the best for last: choosing what you’re going to watch and who you’re going to watch it with. In my belief, there’s a TV show for every situation. You’re going to develop your own style here, but I’ve personally found great success with:

• Orange Is The New Black – I watched this over the span of 1 week when my best friend from high school visited me last year. Entertaining multiple-night house guests can be really hard if you don’t have lots of money, so remember: TV is your friend.
• Star Trek: The Next Generation –  I binge watched this in college with my first boyfriend. And my second. I feel like if someone doesn’t get Jean-Luc Picard they’re probably not going to get me, you know?
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer – I watched this on DVD while falling in love with the girl I was watching with. We went for Buffy after powering through Gilmore Girls, and it was the best decision we possibly could have made. This show is everything.
• Game of Thrones – I’ve rewatched this series at least three times now, and I still can’t really tell all the middle aged grimy looking white guys apart. I guess it doesn’t matter that much, though, because they all keep killing each other off. Whatever. I’m in it for the Stark girls.
• Firefly – I watched this with a revolving cast of companions going in and out of the host’s dorm room. I went to RIT, where playing this show instantly attracted an interested crowd. Not sure I’d get the same reaction out here in the non-geek world.
• House of Cards – I watched this last summer on my parents’ couch while I was recovering from a gunshot wound. It was a really good distraction. 
• Downton Abbey – Last year I watched this show all by myself one weekend when it was just too dreary outside to leave my house. Just putting it out there, there’s zero shame in solo marathoning.
• Veronica Mars – I’m marathoning this show with my girlfriend right now and we just finished season two. This show is so dark! But good! I’m nervous and excited about what’s going to happen next season.

I could go on, but you get the drift. I watch a lot of TV and so can you. I believe in you.

So! Now that you’ve got your setup optimized, what are you watching? Can I come over? What kind of snacks do you want? Do you need me to bring another body pillow? It’s cool if I take these off, right?

Autostraddle Kits is a series where we tell you all the stuff you need to be/do a thing you want to be/do. Lesbian Activist? Heartbreaking DJ? Wanton Sex Goddess? Food Historian? Sort of like if Amazon’s Listmania and Amazon’s “So You’d Like to Be A…” had a same-sex marriage and then had a baby.

It’s like a playlist, but for all of your senses!

Got a request for a kit? ASS me!

Become a Badass Bartender: The Kit

It’s pretty much agreed that a good bartender is one of the best things in life, like a fabulous hairdresser or just the right bra. A good bartender knows not only how to keep you at that perfect level of tipsy while celebrating, but also when to hand you a drink and let you wallow. At some point, I think almost everyone has looked at a bartender whirling around like Wonder Woman and thought, “I would love to do that — if not in a bar then at least at home!” Well you can bartend and I’m going to show you how to get started!

How I Got Here

My story starts two years after I’d finished college: I was working in a small Southern town at a desk job that I hated. After hearing me cry about what I was doing with my life, my best friend offered to let me move in with her and her girlfriend in Los Angeles so I could start over. Within a few months, I quit my job and moved across the country. On a whim, I searched the internet for bartending schools in the city and less than a month after moving to the west coast I was a certified bartender. My plan was to bartend until I found my passion, but it turned out that bartending is my passion! Now most of my life revolves around bartending: I teach it at one of the most respected schools in Hollywood (okay, so I’m biased), I bartend regularly for a wedding venue in Culver City, and I have brand reps and private clients I make myself available to whenever the need arises. Bartending is fun and I don’t want anyone to think it’s as intimidating as I once did, so I wrote this kit to help all you little lovebugs see just how accessible it can be.

Things to Buy

Let’s start with the basics! You’ll need a mixing tin to chill and mix everything (it looks so much classier than pouring between two Solo cups and you’ll be able to show off those biceps you’ll earn from lifting full bottles). They aren’t super expensive and they come in all sorts of fun styles!

Mixing Tin, Penguin Mixing Tin, Mixing Tin Shaking Lid, Spray Can Mixing Tin

You’ll also need a pony and jigger so you can measure what you’re pouring. The smaller side is usually half an ounce and the larger, one ounce.

Jigger Pony

Get a waiter’s corkscrew/wine key. I know they can be testy, but they work better than almost any other corkscrew when the bottle has real cork. And practicing how to use it will give you an excuse to enjoy a few bottles of wine!

Waiter’s Corkscrew

Wear black! One of the best parts about bartending is that you get to buy new clothes. You’ve probably noticed that bartenders are almost always wearing black: it’s so we can hide our messes. I’ve got a terrible habit of spilling cranberry juice all over myself, and the beauty of black clothing is that no one ever knows! It’s like magic! Don’t buy anything expensive or super fancy, because chances are high that you will ruin it at some point, so hit up Goodwill and local thrift shops for affordable bartending attire.

Black Flats, Boss Jacket, All Black Outfit

A bus pass or metro card (or money for a taxi, Sidecar, Lyft, Uber, whatever means you have to get home safely). Weirdly enough, bartenders are infamous for getting DUIs. If you’re playing bartender at your friend’s birthday party across town, you will totally want to drink too. Do it, but be smart about it and make sure you can make it home without putting your beautiful body or anyone else’s at risk.

Get Educated

My favorite way to learn drinks outside of schooling is basic curiosity. Every time I go out, I watch the bartender. I know it seems nerdy but, holy smokes, it’s so interesting to see everything going on back there! I once walked out of a restaurant after I saw the bartender clean her mixing tin by pulling used mint leaves out with her dirty hands. Ugh. Most of the time, you’ll get see awesome things like neon purple drinks and cool ways to swing bottles, so then simply ask the bartender (if s/he’s not swamped) to lay some wisdom on you (and tip well if they do)!

Please don’t base any beliefs about bartending on this film: it’s beyond ridiculous
via IMDB

Learn some recipes! You already know that the web is a treasure trove of information — like Ali’s Liquor In The column, where you can find tons of creative recipes for your queer drinking needs. Webtender is a great site to reference. Focus on learning some recipes that you can whip out at a party. Pick recipes based on your favorite liquor so you can make drinks outside of the typical vodka and cran. Vodka mixes with almost anything and Jack Daniels is great with carbonated drinks. An easy way to mix drinks is to memorize the 1-2-3 rule.

The 1-2-3 Rule

1 part Triple Sec

2 parts liquor of choice

3 parts sweet and sour mix

Follow this and you can make all sorts of drinks. If you use vodka, you get a Lemon Drop. If you use Jack, you get a Lynchburg Lemonade. Try it with tequila, and you’ll have a refreshing Margarita. Brandy or Cognac makes a yummy Sidecar (make sure you put a sugar rim on the glass). Play with it and prepare for delicious results!

Show Off How Special You Are

If you want to own the bartender role, you have to figure out what makes you a special sunflower and embrace that. This is what most people think of as “conversation starters:” hot pink lipstick, a beautifully coiffed faux hawk, some supa sexy suspenders, whatever! I have a coworker who has an homage to Alice and Wonderland tattooed into a sleeve on her arm, which always brings people to the bar, and another coworker who likes to wear mismatched earrings because of the comments they receive. Find your thing and run with it! Purple contacts, a standout necklace, anything that makes it you a little bit different will let you stand out from everyone else at the party.

This is me standing waaaay out

Now is the time to bring out your attitude. Bartending is one of the very few service industry jobs in which the customer is not always right. When you get sassed as a bartender, you can usually get away with sassing back. In fact, having a strong backbone and some degree of attitude is just as important as being able to recommend good vodka. Working bartenders have a legal responsibility to cut people off when they are drunk but even when acting as a bartender at home with your friends, you have to pony up and confiscate the car keys when your best friend starts laying down creepy pick-up lines on your friend from work. If you experience a moment of low confidence, create a sassy bar persona and fake it. Before you know it, you’ll start throwing out witty lines à la Debbie Novotny without a care in the world.

If, after playing around with bartending at home, you decide that you want to delve further and work as a bartender, I strongly advise that you get trained. Here’s the thing: anyone can pick up a copy of The Playboy Bartender’s Guide or download a bartending videogame and memorize a few drinks BUT that won’t teach you the comfort you need to have with liquor bottles and bar tools. And even more importantly, you won’t gain the legal information you need to be a working girl. Did you know that in the state of California, you can spend six months in jail and pay a fine just for accidentally serving a 20 year old? If you don’t know what to look for on a fake ID, your approval of a bad fake may not be a viable excuse in court. You need to be informed in order to save your own ass. Most of the schools can teach you what you need to know in about two weeks — covering everything from drink recipes, legal issues, liquor history, and bar etiquette — and you’ll have fun along the way. If you live in the states, check out Professional Bartending Schools of America to find a location near you.

A typical bartending school

I hope after reading this you throw awesome house/apartment/beach/camp parties, get a thousand requests for the crazy drinks you whip up and impress that cute girl you’ve been oogling with your new badass bartending skillz. It’s summer: go forth, celebrate, and let me know how it goes in the comments!

Broke as F*ck: The Lifestyle Guide

I am broke as fuck. And I’m going to make it anyways.

Notorious BIG – Juicy by tktouz

Sometimes, life gives you lemons – or a trust fund, a full scholarship, and/or a good-paying job at graduation. And sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes, you owe money to a lot of people, still work at your formerly part-time job from junior year, and/or can’t afford to eat and find yourself eating any form of communal food available in an effort to stay alive.

This is the third summer in a row that I am living paycheck-to-paycheck, eating on 10 dollars a week or less, and going without a slice of pizza for more hours in a row than 5. The past two summers, I made it. This one will be more difficult, but I’m going to make it nonetheless.

Being broke isn’t the end of the world. You can feel super alive during your broke periods by bumming cigarettes, picking wildflowers, and drinking a single 30-rack of Coors Banquet over a one-month period. If you have the right mindset and the right strategy, you can get through counting quarters for the bus, crying to your mom on the phone, and being pursued by no less than three different organizations for money. Being broke will be stressful, and it will be challenging, but you will make it.

Here’s how.

1. Ball on a Budget

The first thing you’re going to have to do when you’re broke is figure out how to survive. That means making a budget, and sticking to it. You’ll feel compelled to do this once you realize that when you go over one week, you have to go under the next week. Ramen does not taste good for more than six meals in a row, maximum. This is a proven fact.

Personal finance is no longer a course you can take for one credit or a phrase on a brochure at the bank. It’s your first priority at all times. Get into it!

isn't this so adorable

When you’re creating a budget, you’re going to want to base it off of the activity you do the most. For me, it is a tie between the money spent partying every weekend and the money spent grocery shopping every Sunday. Thus, I recommend a one-week budget and a one-week-track mind for you. Start by making a spreadsheet. Make the following columns from left to right: Starting Amount, Rent, Utilities, Food, Fun, Pay, Final Amount. Then, make a row for each week. It’s pretty straightforward, right? Start with this week.

How much do you have in your bank accounts, pockets, and Smirnoff bottle full of change?  Put that under “starting amount.” Then, put the amount you are budgeting for rent, utilities, food, and fun in your budget. If you have a steady paycheck, plug in all of those numbers in advance. If not, predict it as best as you can and plug it in or leave it blank until you can. Predict all of your final amounts as well. The idea is to predict your entire month or a series of months as far in advance as possible so you can budget to the last cent. (You’ll be glad you did this when you’re tempted to steal string cheese at CVS, and then discover you could have afforded a bag.)

Aside from making a budget, though, is the overall idea that you should be attempting to cut back on everything as much as possible. Have a Netflix account with more than online streaming? Cut it back, and if your roommate also uses it, ask if they’ll split the bill. Really super like eating the most expensive fruit at the store, and not bananas? Grow the fuck up. Absolutely need that gym membership? Spend two more hours a day having sex. Live on as little as possible. stop buying yourself coffee immediately. As in, right now. Are you sipping on a latte? Even worse. Start buckling down and making your own coffee. Make sure to keep iced coffee ready and maybe even keep a batch at work in case you get tired and think about caving on a one dollar large Diet Coke. Clip coupons, grab free giveaways, and follow the free pizza signs. You’re broke as fuck now: prioritize and figure it out. Only keep what you really need and set the rest aside for the occasional indulgence, like a strawberry milkshake at McDonald’s.

If you want help managing your budget and/or are the worst person to manage personal finance since Carmen Marie Rios ever in recorded history, you’re going to want to utilize these tools:

+ Spentable: An app (I know you might not have an iPhone/Android because you’re broke, but I do and I’m broke, so things happen) that manages your budget for you, so long as you’re honest about what you spend.

+ Mint.com: A website and app that tracks your multiple bank accounts and allows you to input your budgeted money amount for each period. Mint.com will tell you exactly how much money you have after your shit is accounted for, and will prevent overdrafting, frantic calls home, and/or the use of loan sharks.

+ Online and Mobile Banking: You should be checking up on your accounts daily, and, if you have a smartphone – every time you spend money. Be responsible and accountable. You don’t want to pay fees for being late, being too broke to do the important shit, or having your gas reconnected so you can stop eating macaroni and cheese you made entirely in the microwave using nothing but noodles, water, and powder.

Actually, that brings me to my next thing:

2. Be On Top of Your Shit

When you’re broke, there are people that will be sympathetic to you. They include, but are not limited to: your mom, your relatives who still speak to you, a handful of your old friends from college, and your new roommate who just cooked a good dinner while you ate a bowl of rice again for the seventh time in the past four days. The people who will not include: your landlord and/or management company, any bill collection agency, your local grocer, and the bank branch manager at your most conveniently accessible location.

Being on top of your shit when you’re broke his important for a lot of reasons. First and foremost, it empowers you to feel less overwhelmed and gain clarity and control in the midst of what feels like an ongoing financial crisis. Second, it allows you to more easily deal with unexpected costs or mini-crises that result in minor panic attacks including 300 dollars of mysterious fees in your student checking account. Third, it enables you to appear responsible and mature when necessary, such as when you accidentally overdraft and call your bank to kindly ask that they forgive you just this once. Don’t let being broke be a crutch.

Don’t let it come to this:

td bank eventually came back and made it all up to me, it was great

Fine Print: If you’re struggling to really make ends meet / get through this at all, feel free to pull all the stops and be uncomfortably honest with the rest of the world about your situation. Also, please do not hesitate to ask people for help along the way if it means the difference between making it and not making it. Just know that in the end, you got three people.

Aside from being on top of your shit financially, you should also work immediately to do the following things: establish routines and regimens, find a journal, and discover how you can take care of yourself. Being broke or struggling financially can be extremely stressful and result in anxiety, drunk texting, emotional posting on Tumblr, and loud crying in communal areas while you are babysitting someone’s children. Prevent that. Establishing a routine will remind you that you have a purpose, a direction, and an end goal every day, as well as the fulfillment of achieving tasks and feeling accomplished. Writing down your emotions and having them in general will keep you sane, and will make for a good memoir when you’re famous. (This is part of my life plan.)

When I began a job in May of 2011 – which ended this past May – my predecessor told me, “find something that relaxes you.” I kind of scoffed at her, or maybe rolled my eyes. It was really rude, and I got kicked in the ass by karma for it because one week later I was crying on the sofa feeling like I’d done everything wrong I could ever do wrong in life. I soon discovered that taking Eli on long walks, making sure I always had my warm morning shower, and drinking coffee when I woke up could ease some of the stress I experienced every day in that work environment. Know what keeps you cool, calm, and collected – and commit to practicing it. Make space for it in your budget, make room for it in your life, and make it a priority.

Do what you love – and fuck the rest. Also, definitely watch Little Miss Sunshine. It will help.

3. Give Your Money to Someone Else (Like A Bank)

Banking and maintaining your banking well is going to be a benefit to you. If you’re a student, run to the nearest bank that gives you the best student checking deal and attempt to never reveal your graduation date. If you’re not, go to Find A Better Bank dot com to figure out who will serve you best without ripping you off. Also, maybe go to your local pride parade and see which banks march! That’s always fun.

via ASQuall on Flickr

Managing my money by using mostly cards has made my life one hundred percent better for the past four years. The gifts mentioned above of online and mobile banking make it completely and totally feasible to control your finances from your phone or your laptop. Plus, seeing numbers is often easier than managing cash, and a lost card is replaceable – but not a lost twenty, ten, five, or wallet.

I refuse to give you advice on whether or not to use Direct Deposit. Often, it will enable you to access a checking account for free if you’re depositing a certain amount each month. But if not, sometimes waiting to deposit checks until you really fucking need them is super helpful to the broke and often tempted. That one is up to you.

Next: Food, fun, and being happy.

Girl in the Rain: The Style Kit

Welcome to May where it rains all the time, at least in New England. Is it raining outside your window right this very moment? According to my iPhone, it looks like rain all week. Remember that saying “April showers bring May flowers?” That’s bull — April showers bring May showers. Don’t worry though, I’ve got everything you need to safely trek out in to the storm. And what the hell, might you ask, do I know about rainy times? Well, let’s just say my high school mascot was the Amherst Hurricanes.

TUT TUT LOOKS LIKE RAIN

Before you even think about water-wicking outerwear, you should make sure you’ve got the right stuff on underneath. You might think a sweater and socks are a no-brainer, but actually what I’m really saying is “Don’t wear a hoodie and cotton socks.” As cozy as a hoodie is, it will soak up all moisture, get heavier than you thought humanly possible and stick it directly to your freezing cold body.

VIA MY-WICKED-MIND.TUMBLR.COM

Sames goes for your socks. If you end up in a situation where you have to lay your socks out to dry at work, cotton socks will take hours. At least wool socks will dry fast and even stay a bit warm while they’re wet. If you want to go super advanced (or it’s really cold) you can get smartwool, fleece or other synthetic fabrics designed for skiers. This time of year a lot of stores are having huge sales on sweaters, so it’s a great time to buy. Obviously if you live in a place where there are warm showers you can skip this sweater step. (But not the sock part, wet cotton socks are seriously gross.)

Hosiery
Socks

EMMA WATSON KNOWS WHAT'S UP WITH A TRENCH

Does this seem obvious? Perhaps it is. You’re really looking at three types of raincoats: trenchcoats, athletic raincoats and anoraks. I avoid the ever-present rain poncho because it doesn’t usually keep me as dry as I think it will.

The Trench

If it’s not raining too hard, or if you have to be somewhere fancy, you can never go wrong with a classic trench. When shopping for a trenchcoat, look for one that covers your butt and comes to at least mid-thigh, and is made of gabardine. For a femmier look, you can get a trench in a fun color with rounded shoulders, a smaller belted waist and a fuller skirt below the waist.

Coats
Raincoats & Trenchcoats

For a more butch look, go for a boxier cut trench in a neutral tone. I always advocate for tying the belt like a bathrobe as opposed to fastening the buckle. This is particularly true when you’re going for a more masculine-of-center look. Double breasted is in style for now (especially for masculine looks) but just wait, single breasted coats will come back. They always do.

A word of caution: good quality men’s trenchcoats can be extremely expensive, so it might be worth getting a more basic trench so it won’t go out of style. The original trechcoat (as well as gabardine fabric itself) was invented by Thomas Burberry, and Burberry trenches remain the holy grail of rain gear. Unfortunately no one can afford them.

Overcoats & Trenchcoats
Overcoats & Trenchcoats

The Athletic Raincoat

If you’re not going anywhere fancy or if it’s pouring cats and dogs, you can go for a waterproof athletic cut raincoat. These are the type of raincoats that tend to have an eye less towards fashion and more towards purpose. They also tend to be the kind you can scrunch up real small in a suitcase. You want to go with this lightweight, waterproof jacket because the rubbery Mackintosh jackets (think Paddington Bear) get sweaty. In my opinion, Patagonia, Columbia and North Face make the best, longest wearing athletic raincoats, but you might find others that fit you better.

I also particularly like athletic raincoats because they tend to be pretty gender neutral. In fact, regardless of where you land on the butch-femme fashion spectrum, if you’re smaller you can almost always get away with buying a little boys jacket for half the price; just watch the length of the arms. Sometimes (the best of times) these jackets come with a soft fuzzy zip-out fleece that makes them just as useful in the fall. One adorable trend in athletic raincoats is the half-zip pullover with a kangaroo pocket.

Raincoats & Trenchcoats
Sportswear Jackets

THIS ANORAK BROUGHT TO YOU BY THEBLONDESALAD.COM

The Anorak

The trendiest type of rainwear these days is an anorak. An anorak (which is basically synonymous with a lightweight parka) is like a long athletic raincoat that someone sewed a shitton of pockets onto. Sometimes this is a half-zip hoodie-style raincoat with a kangaroo pouch, others it’s more like a waterproof military-style jacket with a string-tie at the waist.

These coats tend to have the coverage of a trencoat with the rain resistance of an athletic coat and the pockets of cargo pants. Like trenchcoats, the more butch anoraks have a boxier shape. They also have a tie at the middle as opposed to more femme anoraks which tend to have an elastic at the middle. These coats are durable and practical, so it’s worth picking one up before they go out of style. They’re usability will far outlast their trendiness.

Girls’ Outerwear
Jackets

I’ve noticed no one ever seems to want to carry an umbrella. But holy shit! There’s water falling from the sky and you can buy something to prevent it from falling on you. Why run from awning to awning when you can carry an awning above you? While in reality you can, of course, get by without an umbrella, I believe one is critical if you’re going anywhere slightly formal (such as a job interview or a wedding). You spent a lot of time getting the perfect fauxhawk and it’s worth protecting. Also, a nice big umbrella is the perfect way to get closer to someone cute.

VIA HOPEFUL-REALIST.TUMBLR.COM

Let’s make an umbrella plan. You can really go two ways with umbrellas. You can get a really nice, big umbrella and commit to carrying it around in your hand everywhere you go when it might rain, or get a ton of those little cheap ones and stick them everyone (at the office, in your car, in your bedroom, tied to your dog). A nice umbrella can cost a ton of money, so I can see why you might be avoiding that plan. On the other hand, a good quality umbrella will usually have a larger span and be more durable in heavy winds. Nicer umbrellas also have the interesting side quality where girly umbrellas look extremely femme, men’s umbrellas look extremely butch, and the solid black umbrella is the ultimate androgynous, gender neutral rain tool.

You can also go for a sort of hybrid umbrella plan where you have your nice umbrella for nice occasions and obvious downpours and cheap umbrellas for unplanned rain attacks.

As a side note: you shouldn’t carry your umbrella in a heavy thunderstorm though an open area. This increase your chances of getting hit by lightening and that would be terrible.

Maternity Clothes
Clothing

VIA HYPEED.COM

Of course there is no amount of umbrellaing that will protect your feet from getting wet. Here’s a bad idea: wearing leather shoes. They will get ruined and you will cry. Here’s a worse idea: wearing canvas shoes (like Toms). They will instantly soak through and you will also cry.

Here’s a really good idea: wear rain boots! Rain boots are the ultimate form of rain protection. I talked about rain boots in my Queer Boots 101 article and gave you a bunch of styles to choose from. That article mostly covers the knee high brightly colored femme rain boots, and I neglected to talk much about what to do in the rain if you’re more butch. While tucking your pants in to high rain boots keeps your pant hem from getting soggy, it’s a pretty femme look. Personally, I think a great butch rain-look is a slightly rolled up straight leg pant over a lower-rise rain boot in a military color. This looks particularly good with old school style two-tone lace-up boots like your dad used to wear to shovel the walk. This way, your feet stay dry while you’re outside, but you still look fresh inside.

Boots
Boots

The major downside to rain boots is that your feet can get extremely sweaty inside them. If you’re lucky enough to live in a place with warm rain showers, you might be happier in sandal or other shoe that won’t get ruined. There are tons of options when it comes to rainy day sandals. The key is not to have any leather or cotton on your sandal that will take longer than a minute to dry. For a more femme look, jellies are basically the cutest shoes ever. Alternatively, a rubber flip-flop or a Keen-style open sneaker might look cute. Some nice looking sandals will promise up and down that their leather sandals are waterproof, but I would still tread carefully. Pun intended.

Flats
Wedges

Regardless of your sandal choice, you should keep two things in mind. First, if you’re not wearing a skirt or shorts you should definitely roll up your pant legs. Even if it’s nice and warm and the rain feels good, when that soaking wet hem cools down, you’re going to be miserable. Secondly, you really shouldn’t go outside in sandals if you’re going any place fancy. Even if you plan to change your shoes when you get there, it’s really unprofessional/not classy to show up with soaking wet feet and wet flip-flops in hand. Additionally, even in warm showers your feet will soak up some water and get a bit shrivled which can make it feel weird/uncomfortable to wear dress shoes right away.

Sometimes you just have to go over the top when you embrace a rainy day. I really think that nothing brightens up a rainy day like a few rainy accessories. I mean, I would seriously swoon if I showed up on an awful night and my date had on a umbrella tie clip.

Tees
Earrings

I know it can feel like a drag to even bother dressing yourself, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bring your A game dapper cuteness to the table. Your best bet is to incorporate all your rainy day elements in to one cohesive outfit.

For example, if it’s warm out you might want to wear jean shorts, a lightweight grey wool cardigan, jellies, a brightly colored athletic rain coat and carry a bright polka-dot umbrella. If it’s pouring but you want a girlier look, you could wear a long anorak that fully covers a short dress and rain boots with a clear bubble-style umbrella. Alternatively, for a butcher look, you could pair fitted black pants (less fabric to get wet), a white button up and a black vest with a dark colored trench and a navy umbrella for the ultimate dreary day look.

VIA ATLANTIC-PACIFIC.BLOGSPOT.COM

Think about what you want your outfit to say about you and about the weather. The key is to embrace your rain coat and boots as featured articles in your look. Maybe you want to wallow in the dismal grey mist. Maybe you want to look like you totally didn’t even know it was raining outside and your cute outfit just magically totally works out. Maybe you want to be the bright burst of color on a dreary day. In just the right raincoat you can be somebody’s spot of sun. Yes, I’m aware it’s a bit Rachel Berry, but it’s a metaphor and metaphors are important. Your rainy day outfit is how you tell the world “Rain? Whatever, I got this.”

Freelance Graphic Designer: The Kit

click for more on a-camp

This week I’m going to be part of a panel at A-Camp about careers, you guys! Specifically, I am a freelance graphic designer, I work for myself, and I want to talk about it.

It’s taken me awhile to get here. I’ve attempted to start my own company (this website) and I’ve attempted to work freelance once before. And I’ve definitely put the necessary work for years at other companies in order to get experience as a designer as well.

But the final straw came when, after working for 16 months in a tight-knit team at a small start-up, I was unexpectedly and viciously fired by my sociopathic boss. I say “viciously” because I was literally cursed at and degraded. Seriously, this happened. And that’s when I decided I was probably never going to work for someone else ever again.

Note: Though this is mostly graphic design-focused, I feel like the “freelance” concept can be applied across many trades! Our fast-changing and increasingly-connected world says so.

Want to stick it to the man and be your own boss? These are the resources and inspiration that I use often for designing/freelance purposes and maybe you might find useful!

THE ESSENTIALS

This book: How To Be a Graphic Designer Without Losing Your Soul

You need some programz! You definitely need (and need to know) Photoshop, Illustrator, and InDesign. Hands down. No excuses.

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Also: COFFEE. So much coffee. I feel like coffee, or forms of it, are in all of the Kits we’ve posted so far, amiright? If you haven’t tried Peet’s Coffee, I so very highly recommend it.

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As a graphic (or web, or interaction) designer, you should have a ton of fonts. TONS. It’s helpful to have a desktop application to be able to organize and browse through them. I use FontCase ($35):

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Hey, you also need a portfolio website! I use Behance.net for this, which connects to Prosite to allow you to use your Behance projects to make a portfolio website. I don’t know code or anything and was able to build this with it. Not to shabby yeah?

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I think equally as important as anything else mentioned here is: your desk space. You can’t work from home in your bed. You just can’t! You sleep in your bed. See how that works? After I was fired I took the pleasure of grabbing a thing or two from IKEA to dress up my desk area a bit. It helps, you know?

Now some more nitty-gritty designy stuff:

RESOURCES

+ Docracy: for legal documentation, like contracts and stuff which is definitely useful.

+ I like to download photoshop files from websites like these and see how they made certain elements and applied certain effects. It’s a great way to learn some tricks:

365psd // Premium Pixels // PixEden // psdtuts+

EDUCATION

+ My favorite: Start-Ups, This is How Design Works

+ Treehouse – the “best way to learn how to design and develop for the web and iOS” – with videos!

+ The Manual – “Three beautiful, illustrated hardbound books a year, each holding six articles and six personal lessons that use the maturing of the discipline of web design as a starting point for deeper explorations of our work and who we are as designers.”

INSPIRATION

The Best Designs, which really does a great job of showcasing exceptional (and inspirational) web design work almost daily (or at the least: weekly).

BLOGS

+ The 99 Percent – Has nothing to do with the Occupy movement, and also not specifically for designers but just for anyone that has an idea. It’s about making an idea happen. But also so much more than that.

+ Kern and Burn – a publication about design entrepreneurship.

+ ISO50 – one of my favorite designers and musicians and design blogs of all time. I love the stuff they talk about and feature.

ARTICLES

– How I Became My Own Mentor in a Freelance Economy (Good Magazine)

– How Freelance Became the New 9-to-5 (Good Magazine again)

THIS ETHOS

FIND JOBS/PROJECTS

Freelance Switch // Authentic Jobs // 37Signals

– – – –

Alex’s portfolio website

This post goes hand-in-hand with A-Camp’s Career Panel with Alex, Crystal,  Meredydd, Taylor, Carolyn, and Jess.

Surviving Winter: The Kit

Girl on the Run: The Kit

Check you out, free spirit! Wanderlusting all over the damn place. Taking the world by storm with nothing but the clothes on your back and the wind in your hair. I see you too, long-distance relationship girl. I see you there, at the plane terminal, weary of naked cell phone pictures and cuddling on Skype. You probably over- or under-packed, but that’s okay, because you’re in love.

Maybe neither of these is you at all. Maybe you’re following Tegan and Sara on the road. Maybe you just hate where you live. Perhaps you’re on the run from homophobic family members (seriously, still a tragically common occurrence). Maybe you just feel like your time and money are best spent being, well, somewhere else.

I think, probably, that I have been each of these people at least once, and am probably some combination of two or three of these people right now. And no matter who you may be in this grand scheme of runagays and wanderlust dreams, the world is your oyster, and everyone knows that oysters are symbols for vaginas, so let’s get to exploring, shall we?

You’ll need a backpack, of course, but we already went through how to find one of those over here. Below are some supplements and essentials to keep your time on the road light on your back and easy on your mind.

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1. Bandanas

Now I ain’t fuckin’ around when I say that bandanas are the simplest, most diverse tool in your runaway homo arsenal. They’re kind of like handkerchiefs, but way trendier, and less yucky. There are plenty of things I recommend that you do with a bandana, but make no mistake, blowing your nose is not one of them.

However, are you that crying girl at the bus terminal? It’s cool, we’ve got a bandana for that. Are you a cowboy riding through the Wild West lassoing bank robbers and keeping the dust out of your eyes? We’ve got a bandana for that. Use a bandana to keep your hair out of your face so that you can get a good look at that open road ahead of you. Clean up spills. Mend a sore wrist. Make gay sex jokes about being a lesbian with a sore wrist repairing herself with a bandana. Wash yr face. Tie someone to the bed. Use two or three of them when you get out of the shower ’cause, duh, your hostel doesn’t provide towels, and you just do. not. have. room. for that kind of shit in your pack.

And maybe best of all, signal to people in a brand new city that you’re a big ol’ homo — and a practical one at that! I know that this is a strange diversity of uses, and that it seems like you couldn’t possibly (sanitarily) use just one bandana for all these purposes. And you’re right, you can’t. That would be gross. Lucky for you, bandanas are mad crazy hella cheap, and frequently come in variety packs, much like this:

bandanas of the world, spice up your life

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2. Headphones

Headphones are an interesting thing for me because I haven’t had an iPod or any sort of portable music player for almost two years now. This is not because I don’t care about music or because I am particularly self-righteous about our dependence on technology and its overbearing presence in our everyday lives. No, this is because I am constantly buying plane/train/bus tickets and spending money having meals and getting drunk in cities other than my own and cannot afford an iPod, which makes for some REALLY FUCKING BORING bus rides.

So why headphones? So motherfuckers don’t try to be talking to you all the damn time. Of course part of the point of traveling – especially traveling alone – is to have new experiences and meet lots of people, but for the love of god, if I have to spend seven hours in a closed space sharing a seat with some man who keeps asking me what part of Japan I’m from or why I don’t have a boyfriend or if I can spare some change or a cigarette, then I’m never leaving the house without a nun costume again. And I don’t even really know where to get a nun costume, but I do know where to get headphones. I don’t really have a preference on headphones because I don’t actually plug them in to anything, but when I did, these Panasonic RP-HTX7s were my absolute favorite. What do all those letters stand for? I have no idea! But I do know that they’re comfortable, stylish, noise-blocking, and of great quality.

yes i am asian no this is not exactly what i look like wearing these headphones

And hey, maybe you’re even one of the lucky ones that has something to connect them to. Also, if anyone wants to sell me their walkman, I am in no position to say no.

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3. Hoodie

The hoodie is a beautiful thing. Never – I say never – in the history of anything has one item been both so useful and so fashion casual as the hoodie. It’s always smart to travel in layers, as buses/trains/planes always tend to be a little on the cold side, so as to keep you as rigidly uncomfortable as possible for as long as possible (just my speculation). However! A hoodie is more than just another jacket. Because you’re so clever over here, Miss MacGyver, your hoodie is also your pillow and your blanket (this also applies if the place you’re crashing has neither pillow nor blanket for you as well). Not only is the hoodie a travel triple threat, but because you wear it, it also cuts down on shit you have to pack. Also, in the absence of headphones, you can put your hood up and pretend to be asleep. I prefer the classic American Apparel hoodie, but since the CEO of AA is a total fucking creep, and the hoodies are kind of expensive, both H&M and Old Navy provide cheaper alternatives that are still totally cute and shit.

intern laura and i enjoy a good hoodie circa 2009

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4. Moleskine notebook

In our Little Girl, Big City kit, Riese recommended purchasing a notebook, which I will recommend too, because you’re going to need somewhere to store all your little big feelings and new experiences while you’re on the road. I strongly support you owning a Moleskine graph paper notebook, which is like, basically the most useful notebook ever because on top of feelings-recording, the graph paper is great for drawing maps and directions, and the handy inside cover pocket is seriously the safest and most convenient place to stash boarding passes and your emergency $10. And, of course, when you’re done with your tickets, you can glue them all into your notebook to keep tabs on all the places you’ve been.

this is something you can do with a moleskine via nedhawkes.tumblr.com

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5. Kick-ass boots

Because you are a Gay for All Seasons, you’re not afraid of the cold! Or the ice! Or the rain. Or the heat, I suppose, as long as you drink a lot of water (which I’m about to get to as well). What you’re going to need is a pair of totally kick-ass boots to help you trek through all sorts of weather conditions. My current pair are these Doc Martens, which are actually the most perfect lesbian shoe in the world. They’re durable, comfortable, waterproof, provide a TON of traction, and are totally silent (which is unnecessary but cool). And on top of that, they’re totally fly.

this could be you

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6. Re-usable water bottle

Once, my friend dropped her Nalgene bottle off of an 80-foot cliff, and – I kid you not – the thing survived the fall with little more than a scratch. What more endorsement do you need? If you’re traveling around a lot, you’re bound to fuck your belongings up at least a little, and water is obviously something you’re always going to need, so why not keep it on you at all times in a nearly indestructible, vibrantly colored piece of plastic? Also a very cool thing is the Vapur flexible water bottle, which holds 0.5L of water and ROLLS UP neatly when you’re done. Whatever your choice, make sure to keep it clean regularly, because there’s nothing quite so bad as being thirsty and drinking stank water out of a dirty container.

it fucking rolls up

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7. Carabiner

It’s small, it’s simple, and no one knows what the fuck it’s called. A carabiner is something you’re probably already wearing on your beltloop to hold your keys, ya big homo. A carabiner may also hold the key to your hostel or the key to your friend’s place where you’re crashing. Loop it onto your backpack, and you have the ability to clip something extra on to your bag, like a water bottle, a pair of boots tied together by the laces, or even another bag. Like the bandana, the carabiner is cheap, small, and totally replaceable, which are three good reasons to invest.

how could you not want to own this

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8. A Good Fucking Book

Something to keep you company on the long, lonely road. Even if you’ve got friends when you get to where you’re going to, it’s always nice to have a few extra people in your life, even if those people are fictional characters. Here are a few good road companions:

Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides (2002)
This book isn’t actually entirely about running away. It’s about a million things, like being intersex, being a third-generation midwesterner in the 1960s and 70s, exploring your confused sexuality, and Greek mythology. But a lot of the time it is about the inexplicable feeling of isolation, and there is a runaway scene at some point. Also, the last time I traveled somewhere with this book, almost everyone I met was all like “Omgggg Middlesex that book is amazing!” So maybe you’ve already read it. Maybe you should re-read it or carry it around as a prop.

A Home at the End of the World, Micheal Cunningham (1990)
Also not actually about running away, but definitely about a search for home, love, and family and the different ways that each of those things can be interpreted. Romantic, twisted, heartbreaking, and gay, A Home at the End of the World is a beautifully narrated story about growing the fuck up.

Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami (2002)
Although Murakami is potentially best known for his 1994 novel, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, for a young person on the run, Kafka on the Shore is highly relevant to your interests. Existentialism, magical realism, more Greek mythology, and the intangible but unavoidable intertwining of lives pushed into 650 epic pages to keep you good and busy during long journeys. Also, this quote: “Time weighs down on you like an old, ambiguous dream. You keep on moving, trying to sleep through it. But even if you go to the ends of the earth, you won’t be able to escape it. Still, you have to go there- to the edge of the world. There’s something you can’t do unless you get there.”
And if that doesn’t make you want to travel, well then I just don’t know.

All right kids, that’s it for now. Go on, get out of here, you’re gonna miss your bus!

Little Girl, Big City: The Kit

Welcome to Autostraddle Kits, a new series where we tell you all the stuff you need to be/do a thing you want to be/do. Lesbian Activist? Heartbreaking DJ? Wanton Sex Goddess? Food Historian? Sort of like if Amazon’s Listmania and Amazon’s “So You’d Like to Be A…” had a same-sex marriage and then had a baby.

It’s like a playlist, but for all of your senses!

Got a request for a kit? ASS me!

Little Girl, Big City, (No Car) : The Kit

Look at you all grown up with your cute/squalid apartment in a major urban area! Do you have friends? Are they like these friends or are they like these friends? Whether you have no friends, eighteen girlfriends or a pet squirrel, you still need a motherfucking backpack, among other things/ideas. This starter kit will help you get on your way.

“Everything is faster here. There are too many people, jammed on to a tiny island where buildings and streets are crumbling and everyone is in a hurry. Often I hate it here. In the summer the city is sweltering, the air is stale  and used up, recycled millions of times by others who have gotten to use it first. Only the poor or left in the city in the summer: anyone with money tries to escape. But in some ways the hard core of humanity who stay behind are the most interesting.”

-Tama Janowitz, Area Code 212: New York Days, New York Nights

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Introduction

Felicity

Once upon a time, I was a little girl in a big city called New York and I wrote about it a lot. New York City isn’t the only big city you might be living in — for example, I currently live just outside of San Francisco, though I’m not sure I’m such a little girl anymore. Besides New York, most of my friends live in Los Angeles. I have friends who live in other places too: Portland, Sydney, Philadelphia, Chicago, Boston, Montreal, London and so forth.

This kit is for girls moving to cities where you’re unlikely to drive your car very much, if ever — cities where you can’t avoid other people in your face all the time.

Natalie Portman in "Closer"

“Big city, hmm? Live. Work, huh? But. Only peoples. Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatos, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes. So, peoples is peoples. Okay?”

– Pete, The Muppets Take Manhattan

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1. Handle Your Head

In order to deal with the often overpriced and physically uncomfortable reality of Life in the Big City, one must arm oneself with lots of Impossible Dreams and Great Expectations. These Dreams don’t just fall out of thin air, however, they come from things like Annie Hall or Joan Didion.

And they come from books. As most young women writers will, at some point, live in a city and try to write in that city, there are lots of books about young women living in cities and writing about it.

Here’s some of my (admittedly hyper-New York centric) favorite books to stoke the fire of your city dreams. (Share your own in the comments!)

+ And the Heart Says Whatever, by Emily Gould (2010)

“They smiled at me, I poured myself a glass of the champagne I’d bought and took it over to the window where I stood, not even feeling awkward standing by myself. I could stand by myself at a party. I could decide who I wanted to talk to and when. I had made it this far; it felt like I’d scaled something. In a way I had, and in a way I was at the bottom. But I would climb, and fall, and climb.”

+ Veronica, by Mary Gaitskill (2005)

“I said I’d gone to New York to be a model, and I hadn’t. I’d gone there for life and sex and cruelty. Not something you learn in community college… I felt monstrous wants and gorgeous terrors that found form in radio songs, movie screens, billboards, layers of posters on decayed walls, public dreams bleeding into one another on cheap paper like they might bleed from person to person. I took it in and fed on it, and for a while, that was enough.”

+ From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, by E. L. Konigsburg (1967)

Claudia kew that she could never pull off the old-fashioned kind of running away. That is, running away in the heat of anger with a kpasack o her back… therefore, she decided that leaving home would not jut be running from somewhere but woud be running to somewhere. To a large place, a comfortable place, an indoor place, and preferably a beautiul place. And that’s why she decided upon the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City.

+ The Slaves of New York, by Tama Janowitz (1991) (New York City)
+ Valencia, by Michelle Tea (2002) (San Francisco) (gay)
+ The IHOP Papers, by Ali Liebegott (2006) (San Francisco) (gay)
+ Cool For You, by Eileen Myles (2000) (Boston) (gay)
+ Portland Queer: Tales of the Rose City, various authors (2009) (Portland) (gay)
+ The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath (1963) (New York City)
+ Manhattan, When I Was Young, by Mary Cantwell (1995) (New York City)

2. Handle Your Shit, Part One

Get a Magic Wallet. It fits in your pocket and, in many ways, its low capacity capability will inspire you to pare down your essentials to your actual essentials.

In addition to the traditional gadgetry (phone, ipod), I recommend a Kindle. Obviously you’ll be using public transportation a lot because you care so much about the environment (just kidding, it’s because you’re poor) and flipping pages AND holding on to a pole is difficult if not impossible.

Kindles don’t come with cases, so you should either get a case or do what I do, which is stick it inside a fuzzy purple sock.

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3. Getting Around: Bicycle

If you like the phrase “it’s like riding a bike,” then you’ll really enjoy riding a bike! Here are 50 examples.

4. Handle Your Shit, Part Two:

I’m not 100% sure if it’s fair for me to tell you to wear a backpack with your cute outfit. But if your outfit isn’t really that cute, you might as well wear a motherfucking backpack.

via edithpalermo.tumblr.com

I’ve enjoyed the aesthetics of this Puma Bag as well as my Timbuk2 laptop/messenger bag.

But my body (muscles, bones, etc) HATES those bags and it’s always asking me, “hey, you know someone invented backpacks, right?” Then I’m like, “But I’m almost 30 fucking years old!” and then it’s like, “exactly.”

via fcukyall.tumblr.com

Backpacks are especially handy for grocery shopping. Sometimes, if I’m really hungry, I take my hiking backpack to the grocery store.

Quick Trick to Avoid Burglary: In New York, I’d always swing the backpack around like a baby carrier when I was on the subway, because I have PTSD from the graphing calculator stealing bullies in high school. I never wanted to get robbed.

Honestly, I pick a backpack based on what’s on sale at Marshall’s, but if I was a more sophisticated shopper, I’d go for any number of these beautiful backpacks:

Backpacks by Skullcandy
Teen Girls’ Clothes by Roxy

Also (and this is especially important if you plan on using a trendy shoulder bag instead of a backpack) my ex-roommate Lo introduced me to the value of bags-within-a-bag, to prevent that pesky “digging in my bag” feeling. These bags can be makeup cases, pencil pockets, whatever. I like to divide by context — things you put in your mouth (gum, pills, granola bars), things you put on your body (makeup, lotion, hairspray) and things you would die without (wallet, phone, keys).

I also got into the habit of carrying around a cheap Nike/Puma/Adidas gymsack within my larger bag — so that I could take a book and a wallet on my lunch break or cart a magazine/ipod/phone around the gym without having to take my entire backpack with me. Similarly, I could put a change of clothing in it.

Or you know, just get this:

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5. Friends

Lesbians love cities. Not as much as they love sea mammals, but still a lot. If you’re looking for queer friends in your area, there’s probably an ASS group for that. Apparently there are meet-ups happening all over the world all the time!

6. Drink

Sofia Coppola came out with her own line of champagne a few years back. It’s called Sofia Blanc de Blancs and I’m telling you about it because it looks a lot like Red Bull, therefore enabling you to drink champagne in public places like streetcorners and subways without attracting attention or open container violations.

7. Keeping Track

Get a journal and if you’re really serious about it, you’ll travel with double-sided tape and/or gluestick to easily paste memorable things into the multi-media experience of your journal.

Finally, if you live in New York City and you think it might be time to leave, read Joan Didion’s Goodbye to All That and assess the situation like an ADULT. In the meantime, I suggest eating the faces of everyone you see until you explode from it.

Dear Catastrophe Waitress: The Kit

Welcome to Autostraddle Kits, a new series where we tell you all the stuff you need to be or do a thing you want to be or do. Lesbian Activist? Heartbreaking DJ? Wanton Sex Goddess? Food Historian? Sort of like if Amazon’s Listmania and Amazon’s “So You’d Like to Be A…” had a same-sex marriage and then had a baby.

It’s like a playlist, but for all of your senses!

Got a request for a kit? ASS me!

this is a picture taken at the macaroni grill with my co-workers but nobody is in uniform except marc cause we're just having dinner, but it's all i got, so.

Dear Catastrophe Waitress

Waitressing is so terrible and its terror is so wonderful! Nevertheless, you can either be sullen about it and snap your gum a lot like they do in movies about waitresses who are too tired to be sassy, or you can really make the most of this character-building experience.

I waitressed at like five kabillion restaurants including, as I mention from time to time, two entirely different corporately-owned Italian-American casual dining restaurants, and I think we can all agree I have exceptional character at this point.

Even if you’re not an aspiring waitress, you can still be a Dear Catastrophe Waitress with an imaginary restaurant. That’s what plastic food is for.

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1. Food & Drink

First, get yourself a nice flask. You deserve it for putting up with that 15-top of pre-teen figure skaters last night.

gelfling via lookbook.nu

Or keep all your sins condensed into a handy Cigar Holder/Flask.

After that, you’re going to need  this:

Gum is important:

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2. Attire

Some restaurants give you uniforms…

just the right amount of flair

Some restaurants dress you up like Little Debbie and Mother Hubbard had an illegitimate daughter.

roseanne is not messing around in that outfit

Some restaurants dress you up like a kickass tomboy Newsie from Tribeca.

coffee, tea, or larger cup of coffee?

… and some restaurants let you wear jeans or even an outfit of your choice!

via lovelyjubbly2000 on flickr.com

Ideally, you’re going to be the girl in the Newsies hat. But let’s be real, it’s a shitstorm of a world out there and chances are good you’ll be asked to wear an oppressive men’s shirt of some kind along with black pants, black socks and black shoes.

For pants, you’ll need to hit up a sort of trashy clothing store like Mandee where you can get pants that give you a tip-worthy ass but you’d never wear them outside of a restaurant unless you were being ironic or it was 2002. I can’t find this for you on the internet — you’ll know it when you see it. It’s usually on the sale rack. You’re sexy and it’s time to exploit the patriarchy while doodling anarchist fantasies in your server notepad.

After a few washes of your Cheap Pants you might start getting little white “fuzzies” on your ass. You can either buy new pants or you can buy a sharpie and just draw over that shit.

For black shoes you need to either make a statement or buy the ugliest most comfortable stupid shoes in the world. Ask yourself, “would my grandmother wear these shoes to mall-walk?” and if the answer is yes, then buy them. You can rock that shit no problem. The key to this job is to never forget your inner rockstar.

rachel w. via lookbook.nu IS READY TO ROCK

Mid-day you’ll want to re-apply your makeup and perfume, just to feel like a brand new girl who doesn’t already hate everyone and want to shove bread into everybody’s ears.

Listen, it’s a tough life, but it’s also a kickass life, mostly ’cause when you come home after having spent the last ten hours running around in that muck of food and human need, you feel like you really EARNED it. You’re an AMERICAN! You’ve WORKED and now look at all your MONEY!

brandon knows the value of a hard day's work

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3. Objects & Things

Also, you need PENS. Get twelve and you’ll make new friends by being the only person still willing to loan out a pen to someone without subsequently standing hawkishly over the pen-borrower like the fucking Kremlin. You are bringing the best parts of socialism to the expo line!

The best kind for waiting are Pilot G2 Retractable Premium Gel Ink Rolling Ball Pens.

Put a YOU DO YOU sticker on your server book. Print out this tip card and stick it in for easy reference on who Sucks Balls and who Made Your Day. Also, a wine key, it just comes in handy for crawling under the bar and popping open a beer in a pinch.

by Richard Sibley

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4. Background Reading

Back when I was in the ‘biz, there were only two “servers complain about their tables” websites on the internet. One was New York-based, to swap stories about working conditions at various spots (Steve Hanson’s restaurants were always hot topics) and another was for server nightmare stories, which I think was Waiter Rant.  Now, there’s heaps! Start with Stuck Serving or visit the tumblr blog You Know You’re a Waitress When (which to be honest is kinda tepid.)

A rare entry in the “memoirs about being a waitress” genre is Waiting: The True Confessions of a Waitress. Sometimes after work you want to talk about work, but all the other servers have some kind of “don’t talk shop” rule. That’s when you can read this book. It’s like listening to someone who’s still up for gossiping and talking shop.

I also found Kitchen Confidential Updated Edition: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly somehow educational, or it made me feel like restaurants were really important and therefore I too was important. I seem to recall the author of that book since becoming unlikeable in some context.

There’s a lot of people who want to be actors or directors end up being waiters, and then they write movies about it and sometimes get said movie made. The movie almost always sucks really bad. However I’d recommend the movie Waiting, but only see it with other servers. Anyone who’s not a server will acknowledge it for the piece of shit that it is.

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5. Art

In 2000, I was working at The Olive Garden in Times Square and taking a photography class at NYU, and for my final project I did a series I called “I’m Not Just a Waiter” and it was photographs of my co-workers in uniform and underneath it had their name and age and the occupation they wanted to have (or did have, in addition to being servers). It was a really wonderful project to do.

All of the final photos — matted with the words and so forth — are in a box in New York City somewhere, which is unfortunate as writing this post might be the first time in my life that project became relevant. Also this one girl looked EXACTLY like Brittany Spears for real. Anyhow!

All the mess-ups are in a folder in my file cabinet, which I feel is a symbolic representation of my life on earth thus far! So I scanned them.

photographs i took of my co-workers at the olive garden in times square 11 years ago. the prints that actually look good are in a box somewhere in new york, so these are sort of rough drafts, so to speak, and doesn't include everyone i photographed. you can click to enlarge.

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5. In conclusion

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Anarchist Housewife: The Kit

featured image from Small Indulgences

Welcome to Autostraddle Kits, a new series where we tell you all the stuff you need to be or do a thing you want to be or do. Lesbian Activist? Heartbreaking DJ? Wanton Sex Goddess? Food Historian? Sort of like if Amazon’s Listmania and Amazon’s “So You’d Like to Be A…” had a same-sex marriage and then had a baby. It’s like a playlist, but for all of your senses!

Got a request for a kit? ASS me!

Anarchist Housewife Kit

The Urban Homestead: Your Guide to Self-Sufficient Living in the Heart of the City

Okay, I don’t know that you live in a city. Maybe you own an entire anarchist collective in the rural countryside of Vermont. But assuming that you’re more of a Brooklyn-based anarchist housewife, this has got you covered as far as a green life that’s off the grid and self-sufficient. Gardening? Food foraging? City composting? Urban chickens? URBAN CHICKENS.

I Like Food, Food Tastes Good

This will live on in my heart and my cookbook collection as the book that allowed me to cook the same meal that John Darnielle makes for his wife when he comes home from tour. That is punk rock as fuck.

Generation T: 108 Ways to Transform a T-Shirt

Are you sad about not being allowed to wear your favorite Black Flag shirt to the office? Me too. But they can’t stop you from carrying your lunch in in your homemade Black Flag tote bag. And then going out to the bar that night in your homemade Misfits halter top, and waking up the next morning to make muffins with your Rancid apron. It’s a good life.

The Anarchist Cookbook

Okay, so this one might be a little “too real.” It’s true that it’s kind of extreme (homemade explosives!), and that the author has since tried to have it removed from circulation. It seems remiss, though, to go about being an ANARCHIST HOUSEWIFE without taking a look. You never know.

Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution

I don’t know, this just seemed like something you should have.

Yarn Bombing: The Art of Crochet and Knit Graffiti

The worst part about Saturday afternoons is choosing between some leisurely tagging or knitting a sock. Well, this is 2011 and you’re a bad bitch, so you don’t have to choose!

Handmade Nation: The Rise of DIY, Art, Craft, and Design

The best part about being an anarchist, housewife, or anarchist housewife is that you have your shit on lock; when it comes to making dinner, fixing your bike, or creating and sustaining a community, you don’t need any patriarchal governing structures to take care of you. DIY is the logical conclusion to everything you care about; why not get the best book on it?

Reusable Menstrual Pads and DivaCup

I’m not gonna say that tampons are The Man. But I’m not not gonna say it.

The Naturally Clean Home: 150 Super-Easy Herbal Formulas for Green Cleaning

If you’ve ever felt a little squicky about putting chemicals that you have to wear rubber gloves just to use all over the surfaces that you, your family, and your pets touch every day, then maybe this is for you! I mean really look at that cover, don’t you want that to be your kitchen? Don’t you wish that government safety grades functioned in a way that had a meaningful impact on our health and safety?

EcoBeauty: Scrubs, Rubs, Masks, and Bath Bombs

BATH BOMBS. SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE. Anyways see above, sometimes rubbing chemicals into your pores is weird. Also, expensive! Gross, expensive things are not punk rock. Those chicks with the cucumber situations on their faces: clearly punk rock.

Marilyn Tall and Slim Cocktail Shaker

I don’t know, I just thought this might be a nice thing to have while you’re watching Rachel Maddow and working on your plan for the revolution. You could make a molotov cocktail! Just kidding that doesn’t require a shaker, but it was worth a shot.

Espresso machine, tamper and milk pitcher.

The total cost for this is roughly $115, which means for the price of about 33 Starbucks lattes you are instead able to have INFINITY lattes for LIFE. If that’s not punk rock, I don’t know what is. Fuck you, Starbucks. (Love you forever, underpaid and overworked Starbucks baristas.)

Subversive Cross Stitch or, for the less handicraft-inclined, this person’s etsy shop!

There are a lot of things you need to get off your chest. Things about The Man, about your ex-girlfriend, about your mom. Get them out in painstaking cross-stitch form! Because nothing says MAKE ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY SEX TOYS NOT WAR like a cross-stitch that spells out all those letters in order and then is framed above your bed.