Hallmark’s “Friends and Family Christmas” Is The Cheesy Holiday Romance Sapphics Deserve
As a longtime romance girlie, I love love love a cheesy Hallmark Channel romance, and their Christmas ones are the best: they inject holiday spirit into my veins and require absolutely no critical thinking whatsoever. That’s what I want to be doing all holiday season. No thinking, just vibes.
Unfortunately, us sapphics have largely been missing from the Hallmark holiday romance conversation. Every year, straight people get dozens of movies in which generic looking women in fabulous coats head to small towns to fall in love with grumpy lumberjacks. And while I love it, every year I can’t help but think “when’s it going to be our turn?” This year, Hallmark finally gave us their first lesbian Christmas romance movie, Friends & Family Christmas. It’s everything I love about the genre, and there were no bearded men in flannel trying to kiss anyone under the mistletoe.
When Happiest Season was announced, I was so fucking excited that we were finally getting a sapphic holiday romance. And I love that movie. But it’s not really the “light Christmas romcom” that I was hoping for. Not every lesbian movie has to have the main conflict revolve around coming out or being closeted! Why couldn’t it be like, they had to fight against the evil developers who wanted to buy Harper’s family home and turn it into an Airbnb?
Friends & Family Christmas is everything that those of us who want an easy, cheesy Christmas romcom could ask for. Low stakes, lots of twinkly lights, and two openly queer actresses playing the romantic leads.
Ali Liebert (Bomb Girls) is Amelia, a corporate lawyer who is on the fast track to take over her dad’s law firm, and Humberly Gonzalez (Utopia Falls, Ginny & Georgia) is Dani, a photographer who is looking for her next inspiration. Amelia and Dani’s dads were college roommates, and when Amelia still isn’t over her ex almost a year after their breakup, the dads meddle and get their daughters to meet. After a questionable coffee date (Amelia drinks plain black coffee like a monster, while Dani loves extra peppermint hot chocolate), Amelia lies to her dad and tells him that they hit it off and plan to see each other again.
With this movie, you get two classic romantic tropes in one: Fake Dating and High-Powered Career Type meets Carefree Artist. Putting those two together is holiday movie gold, and it works so so very well in this movie. They don’t lean too heavily on the tropes to do the story’s heavy lifting, which is actually quite refreshing! If anything, I’d say they should have stuck to the career trope, because the fake dating plot kind of disappears pretty quickly. Amelia is immediately taken by Dani, and as a result, it quickly feels less fake on her end. Dani is still too preoccupied with everything she has going on to realize that Amelia is really into her until the end.
The chemistry between Liebert and Gonzalez is one of the best things about Friends & Family Christmas. So often with Hallmark Christmas movies, the leads feel like they’re not even in the same room most of the time, let alone people who are supposed to be falling in love with each other. But from the moment Dani and Amelia meet, you can believe that they’re on track to fall in love before Santa Claus leaves the North Pole. There’s a scene where they dance together at a party, and while the dance was brief, the chemistry was palpable. Ali Liebert could teach a class on how to convey a million emotions with your eyes. And Humberly Gonzalez is sweeter than a double peppermint hot chocolate.
Now, you can’t have a good holiday romcom without an ensemble cast of wacky, funny supporting characters! My absolute favorite supporting characters are Dani’s parents. They remind me of my own parents in that they’re overbearing and don’t know how to chill. They mean well, but like many parents of only children, they just don’t know how to relax. I also loved Dani’s art initiative friends and Amelia’s delightful friend who we didn’t see nearly enough of.
I have one grievance with Friends & Family Christmas, though. It’s set in New York City, I assume because where else would a corporate lawyer and an artsy photographer fall in love? But, as a native New Yorker, I think this movie failed to summon a believable facsimile. I kept yelling at my TV! Their Brooklyn was too clean, too generic, too reliant on exposed brick. Also, who was paying for photographer/artist Dani’s apartment? She’s got one roommate, but she’d need at least two more to be able to afford that nice roomy place.
If you’re looking for something sweet to go along with your Christmas festivities, you really can’t go wrong with Friends & Family Christmas. It doesn’t reinvent the holiday romance wheel, but it’s a solid outing with a good cast in a delightfully predictable format. It’ll definitely go on my list of top sapphic holiday movies. Don’t forget to watch it with a double peppermint hot chocolate!
Boobs on Your Tube: Our Gay Hearts May Break, But They Mend Again, Such Is the Way of Shondaland
WELCOME BACK to Boobs on Your Tube! Let’s see what happened this week! On Batwoman, a supremely excellent episode about anti-Blackness and policing got ruined in the last two minutes and Nic is the exact person you want to read commentary from about that. Questions about trauma and Black audiences followed through on Pose, as Pray Tell goes home to visit. Zari’s got talent on Legends of Tomorrow! On To L and Back, it was a sad one, as we said finally goodbye to The Last Word. But don’t you worry — we have all kinds of new L Word: Generation Q news for you to catch up on (they finished filming this week!). All these years later, and Kayla still can’t believe how relatable Jill and Bethenny’s friendship breakup was on Real Housewives Of New York. Abbi Jacobson is the queer all-ages hero we’ve been waiting for in The Mitchells vs. The Machine. And The Retreat is a new kind of lesbian horror that’s full of dykey swag!
Riese updated The 25 Lesbian Movies on Hulu That You Can Watch Right Now For Fun If You Want! (And you do want!) and also 33 Lesbian, Queer & Bisexual (LGBTQ+) TV Shows Streaming Free on Amazon Prime! (FREE!)
Notes from the TV Team:
+ Next week is the series finale of Black Lightning, a show that I have written about more than any other on this website. I wish with all my heart that I could tell you that Anissa and Grace had anything close to the central action going on as the series prepares their last bow, but alas. The wives are still in the background playing Scoobie (I mean, I am glad they stopped the government from eliminating meta genes from babies in what’s a convoluted allegory for… something real world and horrific and racist, I am sure. But damn, with only one episode left, there must be a better use of their time!) — Carmen
+ Coop was, strangely, MIA this week on All American but Mo continued to lay the groundwork for her revenge plot in her absence. This week, she sought to pull Coop’s protector, Preach, onto her side with a little seduction. It didn’t work, though: Preach wasn’t interested in rekindling an old affair. — Natalie
+ No Leyla on this week’s New Amsterdam but the show did feature a lesbian couple as the parents of one of Iggy’s patients. — Natalie
+ This week, on S.W.A.T., the moment I’d been dreading finally came to pass: worried that something bad might happen to Street if he has surgery to donate a portion of his liver to his mother, Chris confesses her feelings for him. They’re about to kiss when Luca interrupts them… and I’ve never been so happy to see that guy in my life. — Natalie
Station 19 414: “Comfortably Numb”
Written by Carmen
This week the long-simmering angst that’s been an undercurrent of Carina DeLuca leaving Maya and Station 19 finally came to a head and it was, in every way, worth the wait. It’s been a while (Station 19 has a lot of characters and plot to cover week-to-week, so it’s been a while since we’ve been back to the gays) so in case you need a refresher: Carina’s visa is up and she must return to Italy, but also with the pandemic raging, she wants to go to Italy so that she can be of medical service. At first Maya impulsively agrees to go with her, but then she realizes that her call to service is here with the firehouse, and so she is staying. That means Carina and Maya are planning on long distance — with no end date in sight. And now you are caught up, so here we go!
Carina is leaving for Italy today. She is packing and she is STRESSED. Maya tries to make bad jokes but they don’t land. Then, Maya switches tactics and tells Carina that her mother has returned home to her abusive father during the pandemic and she never has come out to her parents. Mostly because she never felt she had a romantic partner worth facing her father’s emotional abuse for. It’s as vulnerable as I’ve ever seen Maya and honestly Danielle Savre’s performance is nothing less than breathtaking this episode (you’ll hear that from me a lot today). Juuuust when it feels like Carina and Maya are finding their way, Carina admits that she never wants to get married. Maya had been on the brink of proposing so this is a swerve and it immediately sends them both into the tailspin of another fight.
Carina doesn’t want to get married, but she does want kids. Maya does want to get married, but kids feel out of her picture. They are both scared so they are fighting, but you know when you really love someone — sometimes you fight because even that feels easier than facing whatever is scaring you? Like the fight itself is awful, but what you are running away from is worse, and so instead you choose the fight in front of you. It’s a hard sensation to explain in recap, let alone perform with nuance, and now this is the second time when I will say that Danielle Savre and Stefania Spaminato were just off-the-charts last night (there’s going to be one more, hold on).
Finally, in the fight that’s within-their-fight, Carina and Maya stumble into truth. Maya has never bothered to learn the details of Carina’s immigration battle, she’s never tried to learn Italian or understand Carina’s culture. She’s kept those details at arms length because she thinks that Carina is leaving Maya to “return home” — Maya had been so caught up in her own baggage, that she hadn’t realized… she is Carina’s home (and if your heart didn’t melt when Carina called Maya bambina, you are stronger than I am). Of course this quiet moment terrifies them both, and so they fight once more — this time because if they love each other this much, Maya cannot understand why Carina won’t let them get married so that she can stay in the country together. Carina doesn’t understand why Maya can’t see that government regulation is not love. This time Carina storms out, disinviting Maya from taking her to the airport.
In the car, Carina FaceTimes with Gabriella — who tells her to get out of her own stubborn way and fight for what really matters. Maya is equally getting bestie time in with Andy, who promises her that it will all work out in the end. And just at that moment, in the grandest of Thursday Night Soap Opera traditions, Carina leaps out of the car and takes Maya into her arms, asking her to marry her. *Cue much romantic kissing and sweeping camera shots, which literally no one does better than these two actresses. (And that’s my third mention of how great they are! Thank you and goodnight!)
Our hearts break, but then they mend again. Such is the way of Shondaland.
PS: In Grey’s we find out that Carina is still going to Italy, but only for a month. She’ll be back in OB rotation and Maya’s arms before we know it.
9-1-1 413: “Suspicion”
Written by Natalie
Was this episode the backdoor pilot for the forthcoming spin-off, Henrietta Wilson, M.D.?
With all the emotional fallout over Hen’s mom, Toni, losing her job and coming to live with her daughter, Nia’s return to her birth mother and 9-1-1 usual harrowing rescues, it’s easy to forget where Hen started this season: in medical school, chasing her dream of becoming a doctor. We pick that storyline up again this week, as Hen’s lab partners, Luis and April Nardini, come over to quiz each other. As they’re studying, Hen’s mom passes through, offering to pick the aspiring doctors up some cookies to while she’s out at the farmers’ market. Toni’s bones crack as she makes her way out and Hen starts trying to diagnose the ailment. Toni assures Hen that it’s nothing and she’ll be fine after she takes a few ibuprofen. But later, at the farmer’s market, things aren’t fine. After interacting with some vendors — a great showcase of Marsha Warfield’s comedic talents — Toni collapses and is rushed to the ER.
By the time Hen gets to the ER, her mother’s recovered and the doctor dismissively suggests, “sometimes people just faint.” Dismayed by his flippancy, Hen asks if he did an echocardiogram and he assures her the test wasn’t necessary. Instead, he recommends adjusting Toni’s blood pressure medication with her primary care physician and losing some weight. He dismisses Hen’s worried as well, urging her to “stay off WebMD,” and somehow Hen manages to restrain herself from popping him right in the mouth. Couldn’t be me.
At work, Hen laments to Chimney about her experience at the hospital. She wonders if she and her mother would’ve been treated differently if the doctor had also been a person of color… because white doctors don’t trust patients of color to know how they’re feeling or if something’s wrong. Chim recalls having to advocate (and translate) for his sick mother when he was just 12 and pushes Hen to advocate for her mother. She gets her study group together and they pour over Toni’s medical history and symptoms to try and find a diagnosis. They can’t come up with a solution and just when they give up, Toni collapses again. The team does a quick assessment of symptoms — fever, elevated heart rate, pulsating sensation around her navel — and April makes the final call: an abdominal aortic aneurysm.
Instead of waiting for a doctor this time, though, Hen rushes into the ER acting as though she is one: she insists on an electrocardiogram immediately and the nurse complies. Sure enough, the test confirms what Hen suspected but thankfully they got Toni to the hospital before her aorta ruptured and she should be fine, with surgery. Hen chastises the doctor for missing the call and urges him to listen when his patients tell him something is wrong.
Hen’s mother comes out of surgery fine and grateful to her daughter for saving her life. She takes the moment to tell Hen how proud she is and makes her promise to stay the course, even if it gets hard. Of course, Hen tearfully agrees.
All Rise 216: “Leap of Faith”
Written by Natalie
A toast to gays who can read the subtext!
All Rise was a show built for me. Everything about it — its cast of predominantly people of color, led by the incomparable Simone Missick, its majority-POC writers’ room, its queer characters on screen and its multifaceted look at the justice system — it was like my catnip. That I’d found that show on CBS, a network notorious for its lack of diversity, was a pleasant surprise.
But behind the scenes, the same forces that had kept the CBS landscape so homogeneous for so long were still at work, making it impossible for the POCs they’d hired to thrive. It’s hard not to feel like those forces won with All Rise‘s cancellation, announced by CBS last week. Rather than giving the show a fresh start, CBS opted to cut their losses. As I watched this week, I was reminded of what we’re about to lose: the rare show that showcases multiple queer women, at different stages in their lives, navigating the personal and the professional.
This week, Georgia accompanies Lisa to a party at the Hamilton Club and she finally gets to meet Lola. Lisa’s clearly been waiting for this moment — for the two women that challenge her regularly to meet — and she’s beaming as they exchange pleasantries. The next day at work, Lisa gushes over Georgia while also worrying that they’re moving too fast. She’s so blissfully in love and Lola admits that they’re perfect for each other. Lisa wonders aloud if Georgia’s ready for the next step and Lola points out that the only way to know is to ask. The editing in the scene is so weird that it isn’t clear what “the next step” is until later after Georgia chats with Lisa, via video, from her seminar in Maine: Lisa’s got an engagement ring!
Meanwhile, Ness and Sam continue to spend time together. While the show hasn’t confirmed on-screen that there’s more than friendship between the two, their easy rapport — which vacillates between innocent and flirtatious — has me convinced that something’s brewing between them. Ness has a lot on her plate at the moment: the bar exam is imminent — Sam’s helping her study — and she still hasn’t decided what she’ll do once her clerkship is over. Then her roommate adds another problem into the mix: she’s moving out and Ness needs to find a replacement or a new place to live. Sam is about to suggest herself but she’s pulled away for a work meeting.
Later, the couple are sharing wine at Sam’s studio apartment when the answer to one of Ness’ problems becomes apparent: she invites Sam to move in with her. Before Sam can express reservations, Ness interjects: she needs a roommate and Sam needs the space and the company. Sam agrees and they toast to their new situationship.
Top Chef: Portland 1808: “Restaurant Wars”
Written by Natalie
Bringing the corazón to Kokoson.
As I mentioned last week, I’ve watched nearly every episode of Top Chef to date; I am a true fan… and like every true fan, each season I eagerly anticipate one episode: Restaurant Wars. It’s always the most stressful episode of the season for the cheftestants: they’re forced onto teams, have to develop a restaurant concept and menu in short order and for the first time, they have to concern themselves with front of the house issues like design, table settings and wait staff. Upsets happen on Restaurant Wars: it almost always forces a really strong chef from the competition.
From R to L: Gay. Gay. Makes a lot of women gay.
Case and point, Kristen Kish returns to the Top Chef kitchen this week to join the season’s judging panel. As I swoon, I’m reminded that Kristen was actually eliminated on her season of Top Chef during the Restaurant Wars episode and had to battle her way back in Last Chance Kitchen. Both she and Gregory give the chefs great advice — over-communicate and develop a cohesive menu — which, ironically, the losing team summarily ignores. Teams are determined by the flip of a coin (a nod to Portland’s history): Maria ends up on a team with Byron, Shota and Jamie. The other team is stacked with cheftestants that have done well in the elimination challenges which worries Shota at the outset but not me… in fact, I’m even more confident at this point that #TeamMaria will come out on top.
Because of COVID protocols, Restaurant Wars this season isn’t what we’re used to: instead of make-shift restaurants bustling with diners and wait staff, they’re doing a chef’s table, which invites the judges into the kitchen and forces the chefs to take a more active role in engaging the audience. It’s a coveted experience for diners and, undoubtedly, a nerve-wracking one for the chefs.
Maria’s team quickly comes up with a concept, combining Latin and Asian cuisine, under the banner “Kokosun” (which itself is a combination of the Spanish and Japanese words for heart). They present their seven courses in kaiseki style and everything comes together seamlessly. Maria prepares her own dish — a lengua (beef tongue) sando with pickled mustard and green onions — and contributes a sesame mole to a dish with Shota and works on the stock and shrimp machacha for the team’s Hot Pot. And somehow, between all that work, Maria manages to do the bulk of the interactions with the diners and is great at that as well. The judges are effusive with their praise; it might be the best Restaurant Wars performance in Top Chef history.
Judge’s Table feels like a foregone conclusion: #TeamMaria gets the win. The overall victory, though, is a toss-up, between Shota, who shepherded the concept to fruition, and Maria, for her hospitality efforts. But because Kokosun’s hospitality was so much better than the other team’s, Maria gets her first win of the season! YAY GAYS!!
Next week, Top Chef gets even gayer: Maria Mazon, Melissa King, Kristen Kish and Portlandia star, Carrie Brownstein.
Jupiter’s Legacy Season 1
Written by Valerie Anne
I think Humberly’s tweet that I borrowed this from said it best. Literal power couple.
Netflix’s Jupiter’s Legacy is both a superhero origin story and a superhero coming of age story all at once. It’s like if you took Amazon’s The Boys and the CW DC Universe and smooshed them together. It’s a little lighter than the first thing and a little darker than the second, with an all-star cast (Josh Duhamel! Leslie Bibb!) as well as some familiar faces. Gracie Dzienny, who played queer Greer in Chasing Life is a young upcoming superhero named Ruby Red. Bisexual actress Anna Akana plays telepathic assaasin Raiku. And our girl Humberly González, queer in real life, and on a queer role roll lately, plays Gabriella aka Neutrino alongside Jess Salgueiro who plays her girlfriend, Jacinda aka Shockwave. They’re only in two episodes, one for a good chunk of it as the episode follows their little band of super-misfits, and one just for a scene or two, but considering we are too often left out of these stories that lean heavily on our community’s metaphors, it was nice to have queer representation in this short series.
(Warning: Don’t make my mistake and watch the Neutrino/Shockwave episodes with your father, because Gabriella and Jacinda have a brief not-safe-for-parents scene.)
Charmed 312: “Spectral Healing”
Written by Valerie Anne
Queer actors coming out after playing queer characters and then continuing to play almost exclusively queer characters is truly exquisite.
This week, Abigael is trapped in the tomb of chaos, where she is being tortured by her mommy issues, which include but are certainly not limited to the fact that her mother used to put her IN A CRATE because she was afraid Abi’s demon side would hurt the baby Waverly. As if our bisexual badass would dare hurt someone with such a gay name!
While Abi is being psychologically tortured, Mel is breaking the news to Ruby that they have to go back into long distance mode before they even get a chance to enjoy Ruby’s new lingerie. Mel starts to worry that maybe this is too much for their relationship to weather, until Mel goes with Harry on a mission and meets Ali Liebert, who introduces her to her wife and tells Mel they also did long distance for a while, and she’s inspired to keep trying with Ruby.
Nancy Drew 216: “The Purloined Keys”
Written by Valerie Anne
[The CW Website aka the bane of my existence wouldn’t play me this week’s episode so I couldn’t get a screenshot but here, enjoy the cutest scene of the episode!]
Bess deserves the world. Stream a new episode of #NancyDrew free only on The CW: https://t.co/HUvfHTXBEt pic.twitter.com/dQcLcgsTJu
— Nancy Drew (@cw_nancydrew) May 21, 2021
This week Kennedy McMann once again did the most and broke my whole entire heart at least twice, but unfortunately Nancy is not yet dating Bess, so that’s a story for a different day.
Bess wasn’t really part of the adventures this week, so instead she focuses on trying to write a dating profile. George isn’t giving her enough attention on the subject at first, which surprises Bess; she thought George would have a more vested interest in finding Bess someone to crush on other than the ghost she shares a body with, but George is a little distracted. Eventually though, George overhears Bess thinking that being her true ex-con-who-dabbles-in-the-supernatural-and-has-a-crush-on-a-dead-woman self isn’t going to get her a new girlfriend anytime soon, so George and Odette team up to write Bess a very sweet dating profile about her relentless optimism and big heart. George tells Bess that her and Odette just want her to be happy, and I love that for all of them. Even though I still wish there was a way for Odette to be with Bess; she deserves to live her best lesbian life.
Legacies 313: “I Was Made to Love You”
Written by Valerie Anne
These two are the cutest things I’ve ever seen and I just want to put them in a snowglobe so I can watch and protect them always.
This week, it’s Josie’s turn to return the favor of a school tour as she shows Finch around the Salvatore School. Finch is a bit overwhelmed; she went from thinking she was the only werewolf to having breakfast with witches and vampires. Josie asks her to keep an open mind, and introduces her to the school’s wolf pack. Unfortunately that moment is also when Josie gets called away to help her dad with a mystical mystery and has to leave a very nervous Finch with Jed and the werewolves. But thankfully by the time Josie gets back, Finch is showing the boys who’s boss and realizing that she might have found an outlet for her excess werewolf aggression.
Josie feels bad for not recognizing her privilege when she told Finch this school is a safe place; she realizes now that this school run by a human speciesist monster is infinitely safer for her and her sister, being his daughters, than it is for the rest of the students. But Finch can see that Josie was right, that this school where she can be her true self is better than the one she has to hide parts of herself at, and so she agrees to attend…on one condition. From now on, when Josie introduces her to people at the school, she should introduce her as her girlfriend. It is very fucking cute.
Pop Culture Fix: Ali Liebert Is Making the Hallmark-y Lesbian Christmas Movie of Your Sugar Plum Dreams
Welcome, welcome to another Pop Culture Fix!
+ “Jane [played by Bomb Girls‘ Ali Liebert] is a farmer in rural Michigan and a single lesbian mom, about to be the ‘best woman’ for her ex-husband who is planning a Christmas wedding to his new bride. They remain best friends. A woman called Sue is his wedding planner, but he doesn’t have much time to plan anything, so leaves the wedding cake tasting and everything else to Jane. And when Jane and Sue’s eyes meet, the real romance begins… Yes, there is snow, and there are copious Christmas lights, scarves, and gloves. And a super-happy, super-gay ending.” Sold? Let’s hope Netflix is too!
+ This is honestly the most exciting movie news I have seen in a very long time: Gina Prince-Bythewood will direct Viola Davis in Woman King: “The film is a historical epic inspired by true events that took place in The Kingdom of Dahomey, one of the most powerful states of Africa in the 18th and 19th centuries. The story follows Nanisca (Davis), general of the all-female military unit, and her daughter Nawi, who together fought the French and neighboring tribes who violated their honor, enslaved their people and threatened to destroy everything they’ve lived for.” (Last we heard, Lupita Nyong’o will play Viola’s daughter.)
+ Speaking of Viola Davis.
Viola Davis for V.F. July/August 2020. Photographs by Dario Calmese. The cover marks the first V.F. cover shot by a Black photographer. https://t.co/izJBKTFrt7 pic.twitter.com/SeUdZkQwoO
— VANITY FAIR (@VanityFair) July 14, 2020
+ Glee‘s cast remembers Naya Rivera. Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, and Ian Brennan also released a statement about her death, saying her greatest Glee legacy was the humor and humanity she brought to Brittana.
+ The best and worst of The Chicks, according to Natalie, Martie, and Emily.
+ She-Ra showrunner Noelle Stevenson came out as non-binary on International Non-Binary People’s Day!
a comic about searching, and the space between pic.twitter.com/D6IYzcXYOD
— ND Stevenson (@Gingerhazing) July 3, 2020
+ HBO Max is developing a film adaptation of Camille Perr’s When Katie Met Cassidy.
+ Velma was a lesbian (but not confirmed on-screen) in Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated. Enough of that! Make it visibly gay!
Pop Culture Fix: “Legends Of Tomorrow” Latest TV Show To Cast Ali Liebert In Lesbian Role
Hello and welcome to your Pop Culture fix, your #1 go-to spot for information on soda, yogurt and portable bicycles.
The Future
+ Legends of Tomorrow: Ali Liebert will be playing Lindsay Carlisle, a “potential love interest” for Sara Lance/White Canary on the CW series Legends of Tomorrow. Previously, Ali Liebert, who is also queer in real life, has played gay on The L Word, Bomb Girls, and Lost Girl. New Media Rockstars has a cool piece about why exploring White Canary’s bisexuality is important to her character development and visibility:
Arrow worked hard to give Sara Lance a distinguished sexual identity from not only the other characters of the series, but from most characters on television. It is very important that Legends of Tomorrow is continuing to place significance on keeping Sara, now as White Canary, openly and positively bisexual. Sara’s relationships are treated with as much respect and sympathy as any other. She is not oversexed or depicted as a vamp. So far the writers have avoided all of the notable stereotypes and negatives associated with bisexual representation.
+ Pretty Little Liars: I Marlene King told Variety that there’s “always a chance” for Emison in Season 6B of Pretty Little Liars:
Does Emily have a love interest?
A sprinkling of one. But Emily’s one of those characters who Alison was her first great love and then Maya, so she’s been trying to find her way. But I have hope for her, too.
Is there a chance for an Emison reunion?
There’s always a chance. They were the original love affair on the show in Emily’s part. I would just say this to the fans: don’t get frustrated and life is full of ups and downs and curves and bumps in the road, but I really do believe that by the time we get to the end of next season, most of our fans will be happy with where we go.
You’ve said that Emily comes back with the darkest secret in Season 6B. Any teasers?
She really has two secrets. One of the secrets informs the other. Over the course of the time jump, her father passes away unexpectedly and she will have a really difficult time dealing with that.
+ Broad City: Regarding Ilana’s sexual orientation on Broad City:
“[Amy Poehler] once said something really funny—that everyone under 30 is gay,” says Jacobson. “That idea has clearly driven the show,” Glazer adds. Aside from Ilana’s liaison with Shawkat, her lust for Abbi is a running gag. But Glazer maintains that her character would never label herself pan or bi: “The definition is so futile.” She loves writing sex scenes, she continues, because when you’re writing, you’re looking for an action, the key to a character’s personality. “Sex is the best. You know, ‘He keeps his shirt on.’ I know exactly who that person is.”
+ Sarah Shahi plays a queer woman in the film “Guns For Hire.”
It’s The Most Wonderful End Of The Year
+ 11 Times Sci-Fi gave us hope for the future in 2015, like that “female heroes are no longer even a big deal.”
+ 2015: The Year Of the Queer Senior
+ Mey’s 15 Favorite Single-Issue Comics of 2015
+ The most intriguing LGBT characters of 2015
+ 15 Top LGBT Viral Videos of 2015: Almost entirely gay men!
+ 10 Fun & Cool Things In Which I, Brittani Nichols, Was Amazing
+ Lyn’s Top Ten Stud & Butch Crushes of 2015
+ What 118 Cultural Insiders Loved Most in 2015. 20% picked Caitlyn Jenner as “Most Important Person in Culture,” making her the winner of that category. I think this is because publicly caring about Caitlyn Jenner has become a new way for cis people who don’t know anything about trans issues to feel like they do and therefore feel like good people.
+ Indiewire’s Breakout TV Actors of 2015.
+ The Year in Lesbian/Bi Movies.
+ Diversity in Film 2015: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Goodness Gracious!
+ MORE LESBIANS IN MOVIES THAN EVER!
+ Aaliyah: AALIYAH!
+ Five Zines celebrating “overlooked ladies,” including The Life & Times of Butch Dykes.
+ The true story of how The Price Of Salt came to be, written by Patricia Highsmith, whose career was dedicated to “turning things on their heads, to dissolving lines between madness and sanity, and to an upswell of excess.”
+ “What was once a place to find photos reaffirming things we’ve all known for over 15 years has become a window into a part of Britney we’ve never seen before.”
22 Women Who Came Out Or Got Girlfriends In 2015
Another year, another batch of newly-minted queers helping the world gradually understand that it’s only a matter of time before everybody is gay. That’s right: everybody.
This year’s coming out stories happened with much less fanfare than in years past, and a majority of the people on this list didn’t even make an official coming out statement, they just casually entered into a public same-sex relationship and waited for the world to notice. We’ve also finally gotten to a place in Hollywood, at least, where calling a spade a spade (e.g., acknowledging a same-sex relationship exists just as easily as we would an opposite-sex relationship) isn’t considered defamatory enough to warrant outrage.
Oddly, some of this year’s biggest coming out stories came from people who the community-at-large has very mixed feelings about — a pop star with a rocky history of racial appropriation and disregard, a reality TV star who rose to fame by placing her infant daughter in child beauty pageants, and a transgender woman who endorses a political party that advocates against her community’s best interests (amongst other sins).
Without any further ado, here are the 21 women and one gender-fluid person who came out in 2015!
January
Stephanie Allynne, Actress / Comedian
Allyne identified as straight when she met Tig Notaro on the set of In a World. But as they described in the documentary Tig, which came out in July, what developed between them transcended Allynne’s prior conception of her own sexual orientation. Although their relationship wasn’t a secret, it became common knowledge on January 1st, when Notaro announced that the pair had been engaged for 53 minutes and so far, it was going very well. Allyne is a member of the Los Angeles Upright Citizens Brigade and an experienced comedian who has appeared on shows including Comedy Bang Bang, 2 Broke Girls, The Mindy Project, Key & Peele, Maron, and Kroll Show.
February
Patricia Velásquez, Actress / Model
Although rumors about supermodel and actress Patricia Velásquez had been swirling since her relationship with Sandra Bernhard in the early ’90s, the woman considered by many to be “the first Latina supermodel” made it official in February with the release of her memoir, Straight Walk.
Ali Liebert, Actress
She made you swoon playing gay babe Betty McRae in Bomb Girls, and then she made you swoon playing another gay babe in Lost Girl… and THEN she made you swoon again this year when she went public with her relationship with her girlfriend Charlie. Interestingly, she also appeared briefly in The L Word, as did the aforementioned Patricia Velásquez.
Halsey, Musician
Halsey photographed on Aug. 2, 2015 at Grant Park in Chicago // Lucy Hewett // via Billboard
This past February, Ashley Nicolette Frangipane, known as “Halsey” to her fans, identified herself as a mixed race bisexual woman on Twitter. Frangipane has also been open about her diagnosis of bipolar disorder, describing herself in an interview with Billboard magazine as an “unconventional child” and an “inconvenient woman.”
April
Ruby Tandoh, Chef
Ruby Tandoh made it to the final round of The Great British Bake-Off, writes about food for The Guardian and, in April, came out as a very funny gay lady.
Angel McCoughtry, WNBA Player
Atlanta Dream hoopster McCoughtry came out on Instagram, sharing a photograph of herself and her fiancée, declaring, “I understand we all judge and its in human nature, but the more i speak to God i never feel judgement front he man upstairs, even tho he has all the power too! He tells me to fall, learn, and grow because thats life. But to always keep my heart pure and believe totally in him. All i know love is a great feeling and GOD is Love.”
Kendra Fisher, Hockey Player
Fisher, an elite ice hockey goalie for Canada, was already out in her private life, but spoke openly about her lesbian identity for the first time at the Canadian Olympic Committee’s #OneTeam round table. “There’s this assumption that it’s not necessary for women in sports in particular to come out publicly,” she said. “It’s failing to understand the importance of having the conversation and being in that place. I came through in a generation when the transition of being gay was just supposed to happen quietly. I started a relationship with a woman and it just wasn’t talked about. Only in having conversations with people have I realized the need for me to talk about this.”
Faustina “Fuzzy” Allogey, TV Personality
Fuzzy Agolley, an Australian TV personality who co-hosts The Voice Australia and co-hosted Video Hits for five years, came out on her blog in celebration of her 31st birthday. “As black as my skin, as Chinese as my blood, and as Australian and British are my nationalities, I’m also a proud Gay Woman,” she wrote. “Most importantly though, I’m a happy human being.”
Pumpkin & Mama June, Reality TV Stars
Pumpkin and her mother, Mama June, of the TV show Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, came out as bisexual on Inside Edition this past April.
Caitlyn Jenner, Athlete & TV Personality
via Vanity Fair
This was the big coming out story of 2015 — the Olympic hero, lifelong Republican, reality television star and lapsed member of the Kardashian clan came out as transgender on Diane Sawyer after decades of speculation.
May
Ursula Halligan, Journalist
As the vote on marriage equality in Ireland drew closer, 55-year-old prominent broadcast journalist Ursula Halligan came out publicly in an op-ed. She called on religious communities to support the measure and shed light on how homophobia had impacted her.
Miley Cyrus, Musician
Although the headline of this article indicates that this is a list of “women,” Miley Cyrus does not identify as a woman; she identifies as gender-fluid.
In a series of interviews and announcements beginning in May 2015, problematic pop star Miley Cyrus came out as pansexual and genderfluid, and revealed that she’d come out to her mother as bisexual at the age of 14. She recalled being the go-to hookup for other “sexually curious” girls as a teenager and having prior relationships with women. Although she’s lately been more interested in relationships with women or non-binary folks, she told TIME Magazine that “If I end up in a straight relationship, that’s fine — but I’m not going to be with f—ing slob guys who are watching porn, making all their girls feel ugly.”
Tatum O’Neal, Actress
Tatum O’Neal, the youngest actress to ever win an Academy Award (in 1974, for Paper Moon), told People magazine that she’s loving the ladies these days, saying that “I like women. I definitely have been dating mostly women recently.” Regarding her sexuality, O’Neal says, “I’m not one or the other.” Since that time, rumors have swirled regarding her alleged relationship with lesbian pioneer Rosie O’Donnell.
Rosie Perez, Actress
In a speech for the Trevor Project Live in June, Rosie Perez revealed that she had a lesbian relationship in junior high school, which makes her luckier than most of us. “All I wanted to do was hump her. And I suppressed the urge and suppressed the urge and suppressed the urge until Michelle one day started humping on me.” Perez says she is not “lesbian, gay or whatever” but rather “quasi-straight,” and that she wishes she’d had somebody to talk to during her relationship with Michelle: “If I had other people, specifically adults, if I was just able to call up and they said, ‘Oh, I humped the Michelle-type person, too. You’re normal, don’t worry.”
Danielle Brooks, Actress
The Julliard graduate and Orange is the New Black star was open about her relationship with filmmaker Nneka Onuorah, which ended mid-year. Does she like girls forever? Will she date another girl? Will that girl be you? Maybe, maybe not! We’ll see!
June
Ingrid Nilsen, YouTube Personality
YouTube star Ingrid Nilsen came out in — where else? — a tearjerking YouTube video in which she talks about struggling with her sexuality growing up in an enivronment where it wasn’t okay to be gay. The community met her with open arms, as did fellow queer YouTuber Hannah Hart, who is now Ingrid’s girlfriend!
Ramona Bachmann, Swiss Soccer Player
In an interview at The World Cup, 24-year-old soccer player Ramona Bachmann told Swiss Publicaiton Blick, “I’m very open. I do not care if someone is with a man or a woman. In Sweden we deal with this issue fortunately also very open and easy.” She also revealed that she is currently in a lesbian relationship with a 21-year-old student named Camille Lara, who she frequently featured on her instagram account.
July
Janae Marie Kroc, Weightlifter
World champion powerlifter Janae Marie Kroc came out as a “Transgender/genderfluid Alpha male/girly girl Lesbian in a male body” in July.
August
Kristen Stewart, Actress
Broody lesbian crush object Kristen Stewart became the first celebrity in coming out history to be outed by her mother, in June, but the actress didn’t more-or-less publicly confirm her mother’s claim until a Nylon Magazine interview in August. After having her sexual orientation be a subject of speculation for basically her entire career, the revelation barely made a splash. Stewart herself downplayed its importance in a statement reflective of a growing acceptance in Hollywood (while ignorant of a lack of acceptance elsewhere), stating, “I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.”
Lily-Rose Depp, Actress / Model
The 16-year-old French-American actress and model, the daughter of Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, appeared in i0 Tillett Wright’s “Self Evident Truths” project, a “a photographic document of 10000 people in the USA that identify as ANYTHING OTHER than 100% straight.”
November
Holland Taylor, Actress
Although Taylor was not, to the best of our awareness (which is pretty aware!), an out lesbian, she said she’d always “lived out” in an interview with WYNC for a podcast this past November. But now that she’s fallen madly in love with Sarah Paulson (it happens), the truth is definitely out for real — Taylor, at the age of 72, is a lady-loving lady.
December
Jill Soloway
(Photo by Maarten de Boer/Getty Images)
Although Soloway has long been immersed in the queer community and has a transgender parent and a lesbian sister, she told The Advocate in 2014 that she still identified as straight (although that may be changing). In a profile published in The New Yorker this winter, Soloway went public about falling in love with somebody I have also been in love with for quite some time: poet and author Eileen Myles. Mazel tov!
KeKe Palmer, Actress & Singer
This is a late-add to the list, as the actress/singer revealed to People Magazine on Deember 16th that she does not want to label her sexuality, which means she’s not straight! Hurrah! The revelation came after rumors related to her lesbilicious music video with Cassie and snapchat photos of her and Cassie kissing. MERRY CHRISTMAS, WORLD!
No Filter: These Women Are Gay Right?
Welcome to the third-ever installment of No Filter, where we examine the Instagram activity of a bunch of very famous people and try to figure out what coffeeshops they frequent so we can super-casually stop by for a latte every single day for the rest of our natural lives. This week, we travel to Cannes with Cara Delevingne, dance awkwardly in a circle with Ireland Baldwin and slice up our t-shirts with Julia Nunes. What kind of filter do you think Evan Rachel Wood would use? I’m feeling Hudson.
https://instagram.com/p/2eY5YJK6RK/
Brittani Nichols has a very good shirt and we are all very proud of her life choices.
https://instagram.com/p/2yzKjHNf5F/
Ali Liebert posted this extremely cute picture of her mom and some other women pretending to be in prison. Ali Liebert’s mom was such a Piper.
Samira Wiley googled a P for you. Accent à droite, bitch.
https://instagram.com/p/22pRnrEoPu/
Ireland Baldwin posted this video of herself dancing to Lana Del Rey, which reminds me so much of the Lana Del Rey dancing gif Tumblr that I had to share it with you. Ireland Baldwin is some kind of Lana Del Rey, I suppose.
Julia Nunes understands pants surgery about as well as I do.
Imagine if you were getting your car out of the garage and saw Laverne Cox kiki past you in all her luminescent glory.
Cara Delevingne and Zoe Kravitz are getting weird in Cannes. And lastly:
https://instagram.com/p/2r2Z9YLmow/
We’ve all been thinking it, but Angel Haze had the guts to say it out loud.
Join us next week as we expand our library of queer celebrities. Anybody we haven’t followed yet who you wish we did? Please let us know in the comments!
Bomb Girls’ Ali Liebert Enjoys Valentines Day With Her Soft Butch Babe
Ali Liebert, who smashed her way into your hearts as soft butch factory worker Betty McRae in Bomb Girls and licked your heart as a sexy waitress on Lost Girl, has gone and gotten herself her very own soft butch Gal Pal.
Yup, it’s true: yesterday on Instagram, Ali Liebert posted a photograph of herself and her “babe” Charlie (who identifies on instagram as a “tomcat // soft butch”) (Is tomcat a gender identity now? I hope so) enjoying the lovers’ holiday together in apparent bliss with the caption “DESERT HEARTS <3 spending valentines day out in joshua tree with my babe. happy valentines day ya cuties xxx”
http://instagram.com/p/zGfxtCtfxT/?modal=true
The two ladies have been enjoying each other’s company for what appears to be “quite some time.”
http://instagram.com/p/xAjfsmNf4E/?modal=true
Furthermore, Charlie recently woke up from a dream “about seal pups using queers as hosts to start an epic carnival which would attract world leaders that we would then assassinate,” which means she pretty much has life 100% figured out at this point.
‘Cause it was early morning and I was hungry
When Bomb Girls first debuted, Ali explicitly identified as straight and very much in love with her boyfriend but was also a fantastic ally and supporter of LGBT rights. Then, as it has with so many of us, her perception of her own sexuality has evolved over the years. In December of 2013, Ali Liebert spoke to NYC Castings about playing gay, and had this to say about being attracted to women:
When I’m attracted to someone, I’m attracted to them and yes, I’ve definitely been attracted to women in real life. Doing research is one of my favorite parts of the job as an actor and luckily there are so many resources to draw from – books, the internet, real people. Talking to lesbians who lived through the war, or have lived in homes or places that were homophobic was especially helpful as I was creating and understanding Betty’s point of view of the world.
This is clearly the moment we’ve all been waiting for ever since episode 103 of The L Word, in which Kit Porter announced that Andrea would be next on the karaoke mike singing Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “I Like Big Butts” and this adorable human stepped onto the stage:
Because it was late night and you were thirsty, obviously
Regardless of her personal adventures, Ali Liebert is quite the rising star these days! The Canadian actress appears in the new queer-friendly series Strange Empire, a Western about the Jamestown women who band together for survival after a fateful encounter on the Alberta-Montana border leaves all the men in their town murdered. She recently starred in the Hallmark movie I Do, I Do, I Do and did a three-episode turn on Paranormal Solutions, Inc. Last year she won a Reel Canadian Indie Award for her film Afterparty. She was also named one of the 15 Hottest Canadian Talents Under 35 by The Hollywood Reporter (along with lesbian favorite Shay Mitchell).
So, you’re sure? We can sign up for A-Camp together and request each other as cabin-mates?
Ali’s babe Charlie appears to be a photographer and also a #1 cutie. I hope their Valentine’s Day turned out as splendidly as it did in your fan fic!
Lost Girl 404: Everyone’s Full of Feels
Welcome to the fourth episode of Lost Girl, the scifi show that’s helping me cope with the fact that my adorable teensy kitten is now, in fact, incredibly ass-vibratingly fertile. Last time we checked in, my cat wasn’t the only pussy demanding some play. Lauren and Betty finally fucked which should have started off an adorable spinoff series about a small town waitress that gets swept off her feet by a shy city slicker with magic fingers, but instead Betty got Lauren kidnapped. Lame.
She shoulda just tied her to the bed!
You know what brightens my mood? Hitting things. Seems like Bo feels the same way. She’s sparring with Dyson, trying to make sense of the thirty mysteries they’ve lobbed at us this season. Like, who are the Una Mens? Why doesn’t Lauren call anymore? And most importantly, who should Bo fuck next?
If I land left hook, Tamsin. If I land a right hook, that hot dungeon master.
After about two punches, they switch to that other great American past-time: speaking in double entendres.
Do you wanna uh, [verb] my [adjective] [noun]?
God Dyson, [verb] me like that!
Tamsin’s evolving faster than my Tamogatchi, and at two weeks old, already has more height and hair than I ever will. Kenzi’s playing the ever important role model, trying to help TamTam recover her memories, but also making sure our preteen twerks at a college level.
And after this it’s AP Grinding or you’ll never get into the school of your dreams.
But even this type of fae-bysitting gets boring, so she suggests celebrating Bo’s triumphant return with dranks at the Dall. Tamsin wisely opts for X-Files instead.
I’d rather watch Scully in slow motion.
Bo and Kenzi arrive at the Dall, and surprise surprise, the tavern run by her grandfather is fresh out of orgies. But with a flick of her finger and an iPod she manages to get everyone to strip down to their skivvies for the practicum section of Twerking 102.
Damnit, I hate when people interrupt my pub trivia!
While Bo tries to finagle a threesome and/or a foursome and/or a moresome, the Druid shows up. I’m sort of impressed by how many polyester suits one man can have in 2014.
Kenz is sick of all of Massimo’s dollar store glitter and insists on some real abilities. He could give her something more permanent, but he’s not willing to tap his Martha Stewart Crafts-level professional stash until she makes good on her previous debts. Obviously Kenz disagrees with these payment terms, which probably explains why she’s still living in an abandoned loft without real walls.
I want to invest all of my money in eyeliner!
But speaking of Chez Kenz, Tamsin’s visited by two incredibly calm men in balaclavas. Before they can react or blink or do anything, she dispenses of them with a flick of her mane. You know, #JustValkeryieThings.
It’s like a really dark Herbal Essences commercial.
But apparently Faeby’s First Murder isn’t a milestone to be taken lightly. By the time Bo and Kenzi return from zig-a-zig-ah-ing and showing off Kenzi’s glitter fingers, Tamsin’s evolved into her adult form.
I don’t care what Annie and Miley think, this is the only child that should just wear a sheet.
Bo heads to the police station to get to the bottom of this heinous crime. Oh yeah, someone ransacked their home and stole all of their carefully curated thrift shop furniture. Sorry if I forgot to mention that. You can’t blame Tamsin for that distraction.
It was a beautiful IKEA chair with a warped leg and a sweet patch over the lumbar support.
They initially suspect the Una Mens, but the council’s more of the Crate & Barrel-type. Dyson suggests humans since Trick’s DIY flame security system only works against fae, but they don’t really pursue it either. But now that they’e exhausted their only two leads, Dyson and Bo get back to talking dirrrrty. Or, as dirty as you can when you’re in front of a child and your writers aspire to create porn for suburban moms.
Do you wanna do my dirttttty laundry?
Lauren and Crystal wake up on the set of Saw VII. They struggle to remove their shackles and Crystal laments that this is all her fault because they “said they wouldn’t hurt” Lauren. Dude, did you think they were going to kidnap Lauren to take her to Sonic?
I just wanted someone to split a Low-Cal Diet Cherry Limeade with me
But before Lauren can initiate a fight so they can initiate make up sex, a disembodied voice — which sounds suspiciously like Trick amirite? — welcomes Lauren back. Aww, it’s just like Cheers where everyone knows your name and ankle cuff size!
Damnit. Someone always beats me to the fuzzy leopard ones.
Kenzi’s taking her glitter elsewhere and some kidnappers have the exact same plan. So they load her into the back of their van, berating her for mounting debt and shitty credit score.
You’re the black swan! Just fall asleep.
But duh, Bo intervenes. First rule of kidnapping: Make sure your panelled van’s windows are blacked out. Second rule of kidnapping: Don’t take the Unaligned Succubus™’s pet human.
Kenzi fingers Massimmo as the instigator of Plan Kidnap the Glittery Human, which means the druid needs to set two extra places for chili night.
FUCK! Now I’m all out of Veggie Ground Round.
You wanna know my favourite way of keeping my dinner guests relaxed? Reminding them that I’ve poisoned them before. Yup, Best Host 2014 Massimmo tells Bo that the only reason she went on that psychedelic trip to another dimension was because he conjured up a potion for it. He’s unwilling to reveal who hired him or what his cornbread’s secret ingredient is, but he does drop that he thinks Tamsin died.
It’s cumin right? TELL ME IT’S CUMIN!
Bo’s lost her appetite for his bullshit and demands he return their 2005 IKEA POÄNG and clear Kenzi’s debt. He’s open-minded to it, but only if he can trade for a certain herb that just so happens to grow on Lauren’s apartment wall which just so happens to be the address that Massimmo delivered the Morrigan’s replacement eye to last week. What a coinky-dink.
Bo gives in for the opportunity to free her best friend snoop through her ex’s underwear drawer.
Back on The Real World: New York Subway edition, Lauren’s caught onto the cameras and Crystal’s ready for Her Big Confession.
Sure I’ll listen, let me just set up a few more hidden tripods.
Crystal’s Gay for Pay and totes just slept with the good doctor to keep her close!!! God Lauren, having your boss amend your job description to include Fucking Women for Espionage Purposes? Gee, that sounds like an ongoing theme for this show!
And in all honesty, you weren’t even that good! He should have kept his money.
But Lauren isn’t about to get voted off the show, so it’s time for her to upstage Crystal with Her Even Bigger Confession. Lauren isn’t a waitress named Amber or a doctor named Lauren at all! Karen and her brother were scientists that fell down the slippery slope to scienterrorist when they blew up a pipeline and accidentally took out eleven people with it.
Goddamnit, Now I need another name tag.
Fuck me right? I know that we have a busty nymphomaniac with a heart of gold and a hot blonde that can vaporize armies with her eyes, but Lauren Amber Karen’s quickly evolving to be the most complex character on the show. Fuck Season 3 Lauren! Long live Season 4 Karen!
Stahp it!
But before Crystal can “reward” Karen as the Kindly Ecoterrorist with Mild Manners and Legs for Days, that disembodied voice tells Karen to look under one of the tarps.
Oh boy, sciency things!
Apparently it isn’t BP trying to make Karen work to repent her sins, it’s the Light Fae! And they want her to heal one of their elders.
Bo has decided to take the mature approach by berating Kenz for her taste in contraband. She can’t wrap her head around why anyone would be so stupid to pay Massimo to make them sparkle when they should be perfectly fine living their life as the Unaligned Succubus™’s +1. Hey Bo, your fae privilege is showing!
Srsly. Sometimes I just want to me do me.
As they’re snooping around Lauren Karen’s trying to figure out which herb the Druid needs, Bo comes across the Doc’s other real true identity.
This explains so much.
Bo chugs a bottle of wine to forget Lauren’s indiscretions and/or horrible haircuts.
BO: What is it that makes everyone in my life lie to me? Except for you. That’s why I love you.
Ugh. Please don’t guilt trip me when I’m on a ladder.
Which is of course the Ironic Phrase of the Day we’ve all been waiting for since Kenz sucked face with Bo’s wolf what… three episodes ago? Wait, was it only three episodes ago? Dear God time crawls when you’re watching a show without a coherent storyline. But before they can return to the Dall so Bo can say more telling phrases that’ll make Kenzi’s eyes roll, they realize they’re stuck.
That’s one way of getting your fireplace.
Someone’s using the same type of magic as Trick to keep these fae locked in. And sadly, the remnants of Kenzi’s Glitter Crotch Cream are strong enough to keep her trapped too.
Lost Girl Episode 403 Recap: Lauren and Betty McRae Bang Bang Bang
Welcome to the third episode of Lost Girl! People finally have a lead on Bo, so everyone can stop belly-aching about missing her and get back to fighting, fucking, crying and drinking. You know how the past episode completely revolved around this Magical Transdimensional Train? Like it was So Fucking Important because Bo took a nap on it and sucked face with the chambermaid? And Dyson wanted to ride it so badly that he babysat that annoying time traveler because he was the only one that knew how to board the train? And Jenny was so FUCKING EAGER to get on the ride that she actually KILLED A MAN while dressed like a pirate?!
Yeah well, they get on the train and decide to get off after less than two minutes. Jesus Christ, they’re worse than my cat.
All aboard the Plot Hole Express!
The only revelation from this brief shout out to VIA Rail’s history is that time travel makes your brain melt! This is like maybe half a point better than airsickness, so I’m just going to stick to All the Free TSA Frisks I Could Ever Want thank you very much. Schecter gives Wolfie a Wet Willy to cure what ails him. I still prefer Gravol.
Can you hear the ocean yet?
Bo drops out of the sky, Dorothy-style sans Toto and kickass shoes.
Whoops, I lied, she definitely brought two puppies.
After a fair amount of running, tripping and flapping to establish that she has great legs is no longer in Kansas, she comes upon a cottage mansion. So she walks right in. Because breaking and entering is totally fine if you’re lost or on television.
I wonder if they have wifi or a bathroom.
But before Bo-ldilocks can test out the porridge or Tempurpedic mattress options, the three bears come home. OH NO! A SCANTILY DRESSED STRANGER HAS CRASHED OUR VICTORIAN DREAM GETAWAY!
Quick! Everyone look shocked instead of aroused! This is a family gathering!
But don’t worry! Baby Bear has this situation covered and frying pans Bo’s ass. You can’t say that this new generation isn’t hospitable.
I’ll do anything to avoid thinking about my parents sexually!
Even though Lauren’s on the lam, her apartment’s still getting some action. First Tamsin, now the Morrigan? I hadn’t realized Crashpad had expanded into Canadian timeshares.
But you know what I hate more than uninvited squatters? Trying to coordinate apartment repairs with my landlord. So I can totally get behind the Morrigan coming to the apartment, overseeing home improvements on Lauren’s behalf and incinerating him as payment. Best houseguest ever.
God, I love a deranged woman in an eye patch.
Now that Lauren and Crystal are on a Real First Name Basis Instead of Alias Basis, Lauren’s free to reveal all of the anal-retentive and/or science-y know-how she’s been secreting away for the past three eps. Organizing condiments! Packing things in rows! Docsplaining fifth grade science experiments!
You know what gets me hot? Cutlery rolls.
But I’m not the only one that gets irrationally turned on by culinary filing systems. Crystal finds Lauren’s organizational spiel charming. Or maybe she just finds Lauren’s butt charming. Either way, who cares? I’m not here to judge. All I’m here to do is draw attention to the chemistry brewing between them that doesn’t involve baking soda. Uh, unless their kink does involve baking soda… But again, no judgements!
I want you to make me squirt like a science fair volcano!
Bo’s still acclimatizing to call times, so she’s napping again.
My boobs arrived to the set, isn’t that enough?
Mama and Baby Bear are just sitting there macraming, watching over Bo and her head wound. Frankly, I’m more of a Disposing of the Body type than an Interrogate Your Victim, but hey, you do you.
After we’re finished with our macramé potholders, we’re moving onto nooses!
If this knitting circle isn’t weird enough, Papa Bear’s out back stringing up shoes and walking backwards! His wife claims that they’re just fun Jenkins family traditions, but you know it’s just her Stockholm Syndrome talking. Ha Ha Ha! My husband’s charming! He totally doesn’t have anger issues!
All of that running and napping piqued Bo’s hunger and she hears an ominous “Kill them, kill them all.” This is probably foreshadowing an upcoming scene, but I’m not entirely convinced because I tend to have that same self pep talk any time I go to a restaurant and find they’ve lost my reservation. You don’t mess with grungry.
Wolfie’s doing that wolf thing and sniff sniff sniffing. They find the smitten remains of Bo’s last feed and also discover a scrap of nightgown affixed to the caboose rail. The chambermaid confirms that Bo’s gone and that the conductor has a bit of a rage problem when it comes to her.
Dude, it could just be a nappy. You might not want to touch that.
Schecter warns Dyson that the same train sickness that affected him will kill Bo because only Super Special Elementals with a Twist that Commune with All Four Elements™ are immune. So now, not only does Wolfie have to find Bo because of his blue balls, but Schecter needs to tag along to cure our succubus.
I wonder what kind of stipend she gets.
Bo starts snooping around the Jenkins property, confirming her spot on my List of People that Will Never Be a Houseguest. (Wait, who am I kidding, she’s totally still welcome in my bed!) Apparently upstairs got boring, so she finds herself in the basement. And since this is a sci-fi show, of course it’s hella creepy.
Show me a non-creepy basement and I’ll show you a lie.
Look, this suite comes complete with two creepy doors hiding rusty cots!
If you’re going to go backless, you really shouldn’t be wearing a bra.
And a creepy armed butler and a muzzled maid! This place has all the amenities! It’s like staying at a spa.
Don’t you fucking dare untuck my hospital corners!
Even though popular culture would have you believe that the Family That Runs Off into the Woods to Hang Shoe Garlands Together, Stays Together, you’d be wrong. They’ve only been upholding this “normalcy” because Pops’s family is haunted! When he was a young boy, his entire family was slayed so he never got to go to Disneyland learn why this ghost is harassing them. So rather than just sit the ghost down for a friendly chat, he locks each of of his family members up in a cell.
I wanna spend my night with Bo “listening” to Ani DiFranco!
Bo initially protests their family antics, but hey, families are weird! She pretends she’s going to go, but you can totally tell she’s lying because otherwise this episode would end and we’d be watching forty minutes of commercials. Plus she was eyeing the daughter. What a naughty succubus.
Party at Lauren’s the Morrigan’s! Mossimo shows up for yet another cameo, this time toting replacement eyeballs! What, did hummus as a housewarming present become passé?
Crap. Thought I was picking up cocktail onions.
Julia (Oh yeah, should I have mentioned her name? God I’m bad at introductions…) gets startled when Bo comes knock-knock-knocking on her door. She thought she was gonna stay away for sure, but Bo’s gotta get to the bottom of this crazy. Rather than say it with words, Julia pulls out a family scrapbook that’s documented their blood-stained past.
It’s okay, but I’m more partial to aqua-coloured layouts.
Apparently Julia thinks The Jenkins’ Oldey Timey Homemade Murder Sprees have less to do with ghosts and more to do with psychotic breaks. Bo’s still a bit skeptical, but she’s going to break our teenager out. And luckily, her chest is there for support.
Hug the pain away.
I expected a Super Special Elemental with a Twist that Communes with All Four Elements™ to have some fancy ass navigation system like a divining rod or On Star. But nope, apparently all of that “communing” just means you’ve befriended dudes buried ear-deep in the dirt, gathering gossip on the forest that surrounds them.
This is my squishy and I shall call him Squishy.
More specifically, dudes with foot fetishes.
Nah, I’m craving something a bit hairier today.
Or should I say paw fetishes? After Lazy John gets a whiff of Wolfie’s tootsies, he points them in the right direction. What a nice foot licker.
Bo manages to bust Baby Bear out of jail and it’s time to run back into the forest and eat berries and fish and all of other things that nubile cubs are wont to do. She dismisses all of her dad’s lame-ass superstitions, but Bo quickly realizes they’re meant to ward off body jumpers, not ghosts! But as soon as Julia steps past the Pinterest-worthy rustic recycled shoe garland, she’s jumped!
Damnit, I knew we shouldn’t have trusted the prop guy to turn off the electric dog fence!
Julia convulses on the ground while Bo’s like, “Shit shit shit!” Playing the role of Cool Non-Parental Adult Figure is only rewarding if the kids stay alive long enough to tell their friends about you. Realizing she has no actual parenting skills, she brings the kid back home.
It’s like 10,000 shoes and all you need is a life.
Mom finds a leaf on her kid’s clothing and they turn full Helicopter Parent when they realize she’s been outside. IT’S A FUCKING LEAF YOU GUYS. AND NOT EVEN THE FUN KIND!
I also found lines of Pixie Stix in the bathroom!
But wait, dad’s not mad at Bo, he’s mad at Julia! He aims his shotgun at his daughter, reminding his wife that their marriage vows included a romantic line about murder-suicide in case of body jumper attack.
You said you’d kill me in a box! You said you’d kill me with a fox!
Pops has been acting kind of shifty this entire time, making his story ring less than true. I had assumed he was worried Bo recognized him from White Girls or Scary Movie, but his actual dark dirty secret was that he was the murderer. DUN DUN DUN! Which makes this paranoid confession kind of awesome because no one had caught onto that. Especially not his gullible wife!
But before he can reveal other embarrassing family secrets or Bo can attempt to save the world by sucking his face, the body jumper awakens within Julia. And gets to do a fun floaty body thing!
Where the fuck did all of this house wind come from? The place didn’t look that drafty.
To show that Julia has become certified Pure Evil, her voice is replaced by an automated phone operator that threatens to destroy them all. The chills are running down my spine. Not because of the threat, but it just reminds me of the time I tried to replace my Visa after it was compromised at a dep. I’ve never heard such horrors!
Crystal finds every excuse possible to hang around Lauren so they start to go over the real reasons they’re at this diner. Lauren sidesteps the question, while Crystal just vaguely references failed dreams of becoming a country singer. God people, just fuck already!
The real tip here is that we should fuck.
Crystal’s been failing at getting into the good doc’s pants with compliments and flirting, so she’s trying to appeal to her Homo Depot tendencies with a photo of her dream farm. Seriously, does everyone have one of these? Or have I just been hanging out with too many city slickers with grandiose dreams of chickens?
It has a perfect little patch out back where we can grow our own strap-ons.
Lauren rebuffs her yet again, so Crystal switches gears yet again. Fine, you want to be friends? Let’s be friends! Crystal invites her over to her place for platonic beers and pizza and I’m waiting for Lauren to play Debbie Downer yet again. But then this happens.
Followed by this.
Which you know means someone’s going to be eating more than just pizza tonight.
Lost Girl Episode 402: This Not So Amazing Race
Welcome to the second episode of Lost Girl! Last time we discovered that Lauren has awful hair, Kenzi can cut a rug and Bo napped through filming. Everyone’s memory comes back and they realize they’re just a hodge podge of supporting actors completely lost without their Bo! So they decide to string together a handful of pointless storylines that barely move along the plot as a coping mechanism!
Trick? Well he’s hanging out in a stairwell with a blood-smeared photo of his granddaughter. Completely normal.
This is how you get ants! Or Hepatitis…
Dyson’s on the Fifth Stage of Supporting Actor Grief which revolves around searching for Tamsin again and again. You’d think after a month of failing, he’d just pick up a new hobby like Catch or Fetch.
I left my red ball here somewhere.
A nearby bush rustles. Do you think it’s one of the strong female leads that went missing last season?
When I was five, I too got bit by a bush… but it was because I was feeding a squirrel Cheetos #someregrets
Nope, just a little blonde girl with a full set of adult teeth. Based on the fact that people don’t grow on trees and child actors are expensive, I’m willing to bet that this is Tamsin reincarnated and not just an extra playing hide and seek.
The last time I stuck my hand in a bush it thankfully involved a lot fewer children.
Wait a sec, does that mean we have to say goodbye to Rachel Skarsten for thirty years? Ugh! That is so not cool!
I just can’t watch this if Tamsin’s eight.
Kenzi’s setting up Bo’s shrine bedroom as she attempts to lure her home. Champagne, candy, chocolate and angel quality Victoria’s Secret runway models? If Bo’s still MIA I’m totally applying to live with Kenzi. Also, Bo likes chocolate lube? Gag me with a spoon.
I volunteered your bedroom for Extreme Makeover: Harem Edition
As it turns out, this whole Bo-mecoming is a bit premature. Wolfie Debbie Downers the situation by reminding Kenzi that Bo’s missing, no one knows how to find her and Santa isn’t real.
Seriously? Didn’t you always wonder why he had the same handwriting as your mom?
Sigh. If he were a real friend, he’d know that the only cure for the broken heart caused by your “roomie” leaving involves a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, a mickey of whiskey and at least three boxes of Kleenex! But instead, he brought a kid!
Baby’s First Shiv
I am by no means a pro when it comes to sitting on babies, but I’m gonna guess you’re not supposed to bring home strays on the off chance that they’re the pint-sized reincarnation of your former partner. And I’m pretty sure waiting until she throws a knife at the wall isn’t a Mary Poppins-approved test for Valkyrie rebirth.
You can’t just keep bringing children home Dyson, this is how you end up with a record.
The Other Red-Headed Lesbian Doctor is at a pay phone, but Dyson isn’t interesting in picking up. Maybe it’s because she’s still sporting that tragic haircut and god awful shirts. Or maybe it’s because she walked away when FUCKING Betty touched her boob! DUDE, YOU ARE SO FIRED!
Oh sorry, you appear to have gotten my hand all over your shirt
Really now, how do you not respond to that? I’m pretty damn sure Second Base 101 is the first class you take in pre-med! Ugh. Might as well check on the rest of the characters since this scene’s going nowhere.
Wolfie and Kenzi call up the only character that’s had any experience raising children. But then again, Trick’s daughter was driven insane after he let her get kidnapped, tortured and raped for a century, so maybe Trick isn’t the best person to talk to when it involves children with abandonment issues.
I think she’d do really well on the child pageant circuit
Even though Dyson caught Tamsin undersized, Trick says they don’t have to throw her back! See, Tamsin was the last person that saw Bo and she mentioned Bo’s father, so the little twerp might be useful for finding her! But that whole dying and being resurrected thing tends to fuck with your memory so she’s still fucking useless.
We’re gonna be stuck babysitting for a while. Better check if there’s enough Pizza Pops.
Dyson volunteers Hale and himself to play Hardy Boys and The Lost Lost Girl while Kenzi’s stuck enacting Nancy Drew and the Case of the Bored Babysitter.
I just wanna sniff your hair a bit longer.
While they’re quibbling, Trick uses last episode’s compass to discover that Bo’s stuck in a different dimension! How the fuck do you find that out with a compass?
Tamsin totally doesn’t believe him. How is she the only sane one?
Let’s quickly cut to Bo waking up on a train to prove that Trick was right and I’m just overly critical.
Wow, VIA Rail’s really gone downhill.
Okay fine, I’ll keep listening to Trick.
Vex is at sub-par salon dungeon getting his chest waxed. The Una Mens realized that Vex was a Liar Liar Vinyl Pants on Fire and that the old Morrigan’s still alive! They want to rip off his face to add it to their Collection of Extinct Things which I’m totally okay with because this is the interrogator!
You could strip me down, tie me up and skin me alive anytime.
Instead of politely offering up his skin and letting me get through this recap, Vex suggests Bo’s instead. The dungeon master knows a good trade when she hears it, so she seals the deal by force-feeding Vex a piece of her ear. Again, I’m completely fine with throwing Vex under the bus if there are some BoDSM scenes in the future.
She probably got a great deal on those straps at Babeland
The Hardy Boys make a pit stop at a salon to start a super pointless Scooby-esque treasure hunt the most enthralling half hour of your life. To find Bo they need to get to this other dimension! To get to this other dimension they need a tracker chaperone! To find this tracker they need to harass his ex-girlfriend because Eddie stopped updating his Instagram so the last info Trick had on him was a Hudson-filtered 13th century selfie!
Do you guys do lip fillers? This is what I’m going for.
Dyson’s off to get some highlights while Hale starts rifling through the drawers. But look who shows up?
Oh Schecter came back! The very next day. Schecter came back! You thought she was a goner!
Schecter’s back —who at this point, I should probably introduce as Cleo — after stealing Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. She overheard that the boys are searching for Eddie and names Astrid as a potential source while scrawling some Hindi on his palm. But before he can question her motives or why the fuck she knows Hindi she’s gone!
Uh, I guess I’ll go check the pool?
Hale stupidly takes Jenny’s advice and has Astrid read his palm. Looks like she wrote out an order for a Wiped Memory with a Side of Fries and a Diet Coke. But rather than heeding the request, she translates it. Worst snitch ever.
Do you want my chapstick? I’m not using it.
For someone that claims, “I don’t talk, I cannot talk” Astrid still manages to run her non-mouth. She hasn’t forgiven the salon since they fucked up her hair, so she arms Dyson with a kiss and anoints Hale with some cologne to sabotage the place. Part of me wants to be like, THIS BITCH IS CRAZY, but the rest of me remembers crying for two days straight after The Soccer Momcut Fiasco of 2009. So fine, I’m on her side.
And you get some Axe! And you get some Axe!
The boys return just in time for Sexy Staff Salon Sweeping! Quick ladies, unbutton your blouses and hike up those hemlines, these piles of hair aren’t going to clean themselves!
I can’t stop staring at the … “efficiency”
Even though all parties involved seem quite taken with each other, Schecter turns the staff on the Hardy Boys. What started off as a softcore lesbian romp quickly morphed into a slasher flick, complete with vag-shredding talons.
Every one of my internal organs just clenched
But then Hale’s magical cologne makes everything better. The Army of Vagina Shredders retract their claws, my Kegels can actually relax and Dyson gets back to sleuthing for Eddie.
Kenzi’s been babysitting the entire time which is about as interesting to watch as actual babysitting. Blablabla babies. Blablabla sitting. Tamsin reaffirms my vow to never invite children into my home by flushing Kenzi’s stash of Magic Glitter Crotch Cream.
Oh that’s what bathbombs are made out of
How she manages to not clock the kid is beyond me, but Kenzi calms the precious asshole down, leading to a question that really matters.
TAMTAM: So if you and Bo live together, does that mean you love each other?
KENZI: Totally, but strictly BFFs.
TAMTAM: What’s BFF?
KENZI: Bitches Finger Fucking.
(Or at least, that’s what she meant to say.)
There’s a reason these hand spurt rainbows.
TamTam continues rifling through all of Kenzi’s things somehow missing the vodka, thongs and machetes and comes across The Wanderer card instead. To teach the brat a lesson on respecting people’s privacy, the card goes up in flames! Third degree burns! That’ll show her!
Am I supposed to drop it like it’s hot or park it like it’s hot? Couldn’t Snoop be clearer?!?!
Kenzi recognizes one of the figures on the PIECE OF FLAMING PAPER and TamTam comes to the logical conclusion that Bo’s stuck in the card. If this were any other show, the kid would be laughed at for saying something so dumb before being sent to the back of the class with a cone on her head, but this is Lost Girl so, uh, she’s right?
That’s hot.
“Amber” gets her panties in a knot over a newspaper mugshot that vaguely resembles Bo and completely misses her audition for Do You Want Fries With That: The Tender Story of Two Waitresses Fucking in a Diner.
Please don’t manhandle my wig.
I can’t tell if Crystal’s really smitten or really dumb, since she’s excusing Lauren’s alias and god awful hair.
Seriously, I’d have fucked you already if you went back to blonde.
There’s a 90% chance Lauren’ll be fired the next day for being a terrible waitress so Crystal asks her drinks, now with less sexual harassment claims!
You’re just going to have to accept me and all of my poor life decisions.
If this were on Showtime, Lauren would already have jumped Crystal and dragged her into the booth and MacGyvered restraints out of their work shirts. But no, introverted stick-in-the-mud Lauren just says no.
Well fuck!
Wolfie stumbles upon Selene’s Secret Love Nest and look, it’s a sleeping dude! Best. Orgy. Ever.
I just really like the way he snores.
Selene has her ex Eddie under her spell – don’t they all – and she’s not willing to wake up him. Nope, not gonna wake him up at all, she won’t do it unless she’s forced! But if Dyson wants to force it, then she’s like totally into it.
Who’s a Big Bad Wolf?
They start to negotiate a bondage scene which I would watch foreverty ever if it involved any other character besides Dyson. But before the leather comes out, Selene reveals that Sleeping Beasty just needs a kiss, so Dyson uses Astrid’s magic to force her to pucker up which is super non consensual.
Ugh it’s like spray roofies??
And then bucko wakes up and punches Selene in the face which is super SUPER non consensual. Blegh.
In case you can’t keep track of all the plotlines, Bo’s still on that train.
You’re gonna vouch for me that I came to work today.