Straight People Watch: Summer 2K17

To say that straight people are at it again is to assume they’ve at any point not been at it. This is wrong, but understandable. The degree to which straight people are at it is so severe that it builds to the strained hum of white noise. It’s only upon acute highlighting do we really see how persistent their at-itness is and how troubled a people they are.

Keeping up with it all can be a lot, but it feels like a necessary task. That’s why we’ll be keeping up with their goings-on here at Autostraddle. Let’s take a quick peak to see what they’ve been up to as of late.

Is it okay to tell the barista my real name? Can I be in the same aisle as another person at the grocery store? Is it fine if when I’m in traffic and singing along to the radio I glance in another car’s direction? Is it okay to watch gymnastics?

The various ways in which straight women have throughout the ages ruined their “water-lady” as this article so awfully puts it in an attempt to make sex with it more “appealing” to men has always been concerning, but putting glitter in it takes it to a whole new level. It’s true that gay people have a better grasp on glitter but like, straight people know glitter…doesn’t dissolve? And is in fact like small shards of metal? With sharp corners? The phrase “can migrate through the cervix” is never something that we as women, on top of everything, should have to consider when weighing the pros and cons of pleasing our sexual partner. People with vaginas: your vagina is fine as is, unless it’s not, in which case, go to a doctor, and here I’m including the people who’ve decided to engage in this glitter trend and have small lacerations all up inside of it.

Why did this happen, and, no, she didn’t.

Here’s the thing: I did not happen upon this. I knew it existed in my heart and soul before even looking up “gun family car decal” and being presented with many, many options, including this one that was probably so popular it is now out of stock.

The sanctity of marriage, everybody.

For those unwilling to click further into this, grapefruiting is a sexual act where grapefruit rings are used (As a reward? Training device?) during oral sex. Also, this one’s a little what’s wrong with “straight people” if you know what I mean but also: what’s wrong with straight people.

Hello?

SOME STRAIGHT WOMEN PLEASE STOP PUTTING DANGEROUS THINGS IN YOUR VAGINA, BUT ESPECIALLY STOP PUTTING WASPS NESTS IN THEM??? This has been said to “tighten and clean the vagina” when inserted and, thankfully, can be ingested as well to “rejuvenate genitals” after childbirth, because god forbid the mother of your child who’s most likely had to ELONGATE HER VAGINAL OPENING VIA INCISION SO SHE COULD LET YOUR SON BRAYDON ENTER THE WORLD WITHOUT BREAKING HIS COLLARBONE be anything but tight.

Do y’all need a minute? Sure this is a “jokey” take on the notion that women “steal” men from their friends when they get married and I know they’re not “really serious” and I should maybe “take a joke,” but this was born from genuine malice and that dude on the right has for sure said some disparaging things about this woman. Sorry.

There has to be a better way and yet.

Sure.

I don’t know, the option to calm down is available to everyone.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

118 Comments

  1. somehow the gun family decals are the most surprising?! brb using lucy’s labia minora to apply my cheek stain

  2. I absolutely HATE all the hysteria around straight people having any contact whatsoever with someone of the opposite sex. Apparently it’s impossible to text, talk or maintain eye contact with someone of a gender you are attracted to without immediately having an affair. Does this mean as a bi person I should just wander the earth never communicating with anyone??? Should I only be allowed to text my current partner since everyone else could be a potential affair?

    • When I was in high school and still thought I was a straight boy and not a gay trans woman, there was a girl that was one of my best friends and we hung out a lot, but she literally refused to call me or ask me to hang out when she was dating a guy (which was pretty much always). But she was completely okay with answering the phone and talking if I called or hanging out if I was the one doing the inviting. It was ridiculous.

      And she’s married now so of course we haven’t hung out in years.

      • Yes, that is pretty ridiculous. Then again straight people have weird notions of things, like who pays for the date, and does the asking out.

    • I was under the impression that all bi people had to wear horse blinders and noise canceling headphones until in the presence of their romantic partner, whom they found using a telepathy. Is that not a thing???

    • I’m pretty sure this attitude is based on a worldview where bi people don’t exist. Also not gay people probably, because it often really emphasizes the “the opposite sex” thing.

    • OMFG, me too. I’ve dated men but being bi seems to have protected me from this nonsense. I just don’t get it.

      • I did, however, realize that being a lesbian doesn’t make me immune. My last girlfriend was convinced I was having an affair with my straight best friend. This is an almost word-for-word conversation-

        Me: But she’s Straight!
        Ex GF: So? I was straight once.

        I really had no comeback for that.

        • Yeah – I thought about putting in a qualifier like mostly protected. Because really, none of us are completely protected from weird cultural relationship expectations

  4. “I don’t know, the option to calm down is available to everyone.”

    Straight people are definitely not okay but you, my dear Erin, are more than okay. Fantabulous, even. Just the greatest.

  7. Erin, I am so glad you have taken on this necessary & noble task of keeping up with straight people’s at-itness. This article is pure gold.

    In English straight-people-watching, I feel this is relevant to add:
    http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/news/bristol-news/heartbroken-man-starts-playing-piano-450378
    This dude has decided to play the piano nonstop until his ex girlfriend will talk to him. He also sings. I just…
    “The 34-year-old from Bath said he didn’t know what the woman, who he wouldn’t name but referred to as his ‘Rapunzel’, would do when she saw he was doing the piano stunt, but he just wanted to ‘let her know just how much I love her’.”

    tl;dr dude is too entitled for words

    • I was thinking of this while reading Erin’s list!! I was like “ugh all this AND that damn dude playing the piano?!”

    • Right, because if she only knew how much HE CARES, it would for sure override her own feelings.

      I blame the dangerous myth of pursuit as flattery and dedication. Dedication to disrespecting women’s autonomy, perhaps.

    • I saw this on Twitter, and of course, there were so man people defending the dude’s actions. Ya’ll, if a woman did that, she would be seen as crazy/unhinged/a stalker. But if a man does it-it’s super romantic!
      END ME!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Pretty typical misogynic-straight-dude crap.

      I broke up with my sexually abusive ex long distance because for two years I couldn’t find a way while we were both in the same town. His first response was to go to my mother’s place of work under the guise that he was “worried about my mental health” for doing something as rash as dumping him. The second thing he did was get a friend with a car to promise to drive him the 400 km (250 miles) to my flat so he could wait outside until I was ready to talk. Luckily the friend let me know and I made it abundantly clear neither of them would get buzzed into the building, nor would I come out, shout through the window or otherwise acknowledge. The third thing he did was threaten suicide. But, like, big gesture romantic, right?!?

    • I saw this on Twitter and some people were going on about how “romantic” or whatever it is. No, no it fucking isn’t. It’s creepy.

      My concern is that people will turn around and call her a bitch if she doesn’t give in to his nonsense.

  8. 1. Gender reveal parties make me want to set myself on fire.

    2. I have seen on more than one occasion that people have vinyl decals of guns to represent their family. Like, dad is a large assault rifle–AK what-have-you, and mom is a smaller but equally as deadly gun (uh all guns are deadly) and the children are teeny-little baby guns, because how f**king cute is that.

    3. Balls are proof that there is no god.

    • I regret to inform you, but I’ve seen a gay version of #2 on the internet. It was two gay men who are members of Pink Pistol. One dad had the shotgun the other had an assault rifle and the kids were smaller guns. Under it said pink pistols, rainbow shooters.

    • your take on no. 2 is even worse than mine, as i read it in that instead of people, they surround themselves with guns. there is one such man near my office.

      as for 3.: i just remember that photo of cisco adler that leaked forever ago and am just so triggered

  9. Also, whenever I see the word grapefruiting, all I picture is Mrs. Doubtfire shouting “It was a run-by fruiting!” after throwing fruit at Pierce Brosnan.

    • That is a far superior image than what grapefruiting actually is. Thanks for that!

  10. Once again I feel compelled to remind you all that you shouldn’t mis grapefruit and cholesterol medications.
    Grapefruit and grapefruit juice affects them and makes side effects more likely.
    Also, straight people are not ok.

    • Even if they did want to give straight people an option, they could have worded it much better. Like “Does not apply to me” or “n/a” or “I’m late to my gyno appt to have the glitter removed from my vadge and I have no idea what you’re talking about” or literally anything other than the way it was worded.

    • Straight people are way too thirsty to tell people they are queer when they’re not in my experience

      (I’m talking about 100% cishet people who go “but why CAN’T I call myself queer? I’ve never been attracted to someone of the same sex but WHO KNOWS if I could SOMEDAY???”)

  12. Future extra-terrestrial anthropologists are going to have SO many questions about human earthlings that they just can’t find rational answers for.

  13. I will never not be disturbed by the suggestions that you should put chemicals in your vagina to hide the fact that it does normal vagina things. Especially for the sake of your boyfriend.
    This is why I’ve always wanted to write anti-vagazzle erotica.

    • Now there’s a writing prompt.. Autostraddle buys the Discovery Channel. How have things changed a year later?

      • It’s all penguins. Dapper penguins. Who aren’t imposing any of your gender norms on their adoptive egg, thankyouverymuch.

        Occasionally there’s a “Curious Critters” segment about… aw, heck, what’s a really straight animal anyway?

        Whenever Trump signs anything new there’s three days of nothing but female insects that brutally kill the males of the species after mating.

  15. Also do not use a vagina as a champagne flute. I *heard* it might lead to an emergency room visit and condescending looks from medical professionals.

    • Yeah also don’t use popping candy as some kind of vulval foreplay, I mean I wouldn’t know, probably something the straights would do but, definitely painful

  16. This was actually a relief as I thought we might have been forced to actually watch real-life straight people, and in the summer, when they are at their worst.

  17. “I’m not LGBT but yes/no” – were these two categories meant to discern between straight people who weren’t homophobic and those who were? As in, “I’m not LGBT, but I don’t have a problem with LGBT people being out”? Or was it like “If you were LGBT, do you think you’d feel comfortable being out in the workplace?” which is just stupid.

    I’m trying to make sense where there is none because that is how I’m wired.

    • It’s not how it’s phrased, but I suspect it’s “would you be okay with being described as LGBT” (rather than self-describing, as phrased in the question). Like, when I was at university and convinced I was straight I was amused when I found out some people were 100% sure I was a lesbian… but I wasn’t actually comfortable describing myself as LGBT because I wasn’t an asshole who appropriates labels.

      That’s the only way I can make sense of it.

      • I read it as ‘if someone thought you were gay would it bother you’.
        My dad thinks he’s not homophobic as he has me and his lesbian sister but he totally would be bothered if someone thought his friend was his partner. He was even bothered about living on Queen Street…
        Obviously if someone you’re attracted to thinks you’re not into their gender then that’s a problem for your dating life. But otherwise it shouldn’t bother straight people to be thought of as ‘gay’. Most lgbt people have been assumed to be cishet.

  18. As someone who spent a significant person of her life thinking she was straight and trying to be the straightest straight person that ever lived, I can confirm that the straights are always “at it” and that it is, indeed, EXHAUSTING. Or at least it was for this little closet case.

    The more I come out, the less exhausted I feel, truly.

    • “The more I come out, the less exhausted I feel, truly.” I want this embroidered on a large wall tapestry for my home.

  19. Thank you Erin for yet again reminding us that straight people are not okay….

    Grapefruit already makes my tongue tingle in an unpleasant-kinda-reaction way so I think I’ll give grapefruiting a miss. Can’t imagine it would be more enjoyable when applied to sensitive body parts ?

  20. Did the Nurse girlfriend say no to the proposal??? I’m rooting for you to have said no, Nurse girlfriend!

    • I’m rooting for her to have left a note in his stomach that says “we are now broken up and also find a new nurse”

      Like… wait… what?? How would she find it???? I’m assuming she’s not operating on her boyfriend just because she’s in the medical field. Is she actually even dating him or is this a desperate move from a stalker

  21. I sincerely did not understand what half of these articles were about in the first place.
    P.S.:Who would think stuffing bees you know where would be a good idea on any planet orbiting this sun?!?
    Or glitter? I mean if the gays don’t do it, there’s probably a good reason for it, straight people…

  22. It took me a number of times to read that passage describing the “jealous bestman” trope because I’m still not convinced that it’s not an awkward love triangle surrounding the bisexual groom.

    It’s so Heterosexual(TM) that it went full-on gay.

  23. The utter toxicity of the fact that men have somehow convinced women their vaginas are disgusting never ceases to amaze me.

    • I will never understand how vaginas got the rap for having a bad smell. Like, do cis dudes think their junk smells like a rose bouquet? Because I’ve got news for them.

      • I’m pretty sure it’s just a destabilizing technique. Like “oh god you’re gross but I guess I could do you a favor and bang ya.” Not saying it’s gonna work in this day and age (I hope it doesn’t) but I feel like maybe it stems from that?

      • @Chandra I almost spit out my coffee when reading this – so totally true.

        So, not sure if this is true for all trans women, but for me I noticed a definite change in body odor. I’m not a scientist, but my doctor says it’s because of how my pores are changing and the salinity in my body. Another interesting tidbit is that I never noticed the “junk smell” before much, but after hormones it’s really a trigger for “nope nope nope”

        • I’ve heard that hormones can have those kinds of effects. And also of course individual people’s diet, hygiene etc. will make a difference.

  24. I apparently have lots of thoughts about straight people so I’m going to break my comment down into a few points.

    1. I LOLed at “YOUR SON BRAYDON”. I know a couple of straights who named their first-born son Braven. BRAVEN. Their second is Bentyn. I want to tell you their last name so bad because it makes them sound even more like 1980s comedy ski resort villains, but I won’t.

    2. I don’t understand the glitterbombing your vagina trend at all. Like, I get that straight men are horrible and have convinced straight women that they need to make their vaginas presentable, but every insecure straight man I’ve ever known has hated getting even a speck of glitter on themselves. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t love having it all over their dicks.

    3. I read an article about that sad best man photo shoot a while back that said that the best man actually used to date or have a crush on the bride, but then his best friend ended up marrying her. I can’t decide if that makes the situation worse or better.

    4. I’ve been meaning to ask some of you this for a while. I don’t have much experience dating and I don’t have any experience being married. But do gay couples make all sorts of jokes about their significant other/spouse being awful/basically secretly wanting to murder them like straight couples do? My mom recently had a knee replacement surgery and moved in with me for a while she was recovering. We watched a lot of HGTV. I can’t count how many times the straights openly disparaged one another on national TV. And I’ve heard plenty of my relatives and acquaintances do the same.

    • For No. 4 : I’ve noticed this too, since college, and I find it bewildering and frankly embarrassing.
      It is puzzling how they seem to have no respect for their partner. I suppose the men do the same. Really, this just proves that straightness is not natural.

      • Men definitely do it too. My cousins’ uncle is constantly talking about how his wife can’t cook. This is a man in his 60s who gets his sister to cook him steak for family dinners no matter what the rest of the family is eating. And he brings a bag full of fries from McDonalds with him. Also, his favorite restaurant is Applebee’s. But sure, let’s make fun of your wife’s cooking abilities.

    • #3 was my initial guess but then the bride had the “I Won” shoes so I knew it had to be around the groom.

      Straight people are confusing.

      • Yeah, I noticed that the “I Won” was on her shoes after posting my comment so I’m assuming now that the article I read was just some made up clickbait nonsense.

    • No, we don’t ( unless the relationship is going down the tubes, but that’s a different issue). I had a friend who once accidentally outed herself by conspicuously not complaining about men. Straight people are definitely not ok.

    • 4: I was at a (straight) wedding this weekend and half the speeches were about how their love was so lovely but now all of a sudden they’ll turn into terrible and useless people they’ll have to control and my partner started sneering under their breath about heteronormativity by about the second speech, so no, I am going to go with no.

  26. but also why they put ‘surprise’ in quotation marks? You think straight people don’t get surprised by wedding rings in their partners’ stomachs? Huh, that’s a brain scratcher

  27. but also why they put ‘surprise’ in quotation marks? They think straight people don’t get surprised by wedding rings in their partners’ stomachs? Huh, that’s a head scratcher

  28. I don’t even know what a beauty blender is, but I’m assuming it’s a make-up thing and not a kitchen appliance thing.

  30. Saga’s random musings:

    *As a preschool teacher, I’m perpetually covered in glitter.

    *shopping list – cross out grapefruit. How many more fruits and vegetables will straight people ruin for me?

    *Adds item #273 of No-No’s to her “Crazy ass things to avoid if/when I get a vagina”

    • I hope you do get a vagina (if that’s something you want). Don’t listen to straight people, they don’t know what they’re talking about, vaginas/vulvas are actually awesome! ?

  31. I literally said to myself “what is wrong with straight people?” at least 4 times this weekend (that creepy piano playing ex-boyfriend story was one of the reasons) so this is perfect timing

  32. My response to each of these scenarios/nightmares was just “wait, what?” in progressively increasing levels of panic and confusion.

  33. END “OPPOSITE SEX” 2017!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    y’all ain’t opposites!!!!!!!! i honestly believe so many cishet relationships don’t work bc there’s this entire society conditioning them to believe that they are opposites and must be remarkably different on a physical and emotional (and everything else) level! thus making communication and collaboration and even understanding nearly impossible. men don’t cry! girls can’t have muscles! ok?? you wonder why 50% of marriages end in divorce? you wonder why a Man Cave is a thing? you wonder why there are so many ball and chain jokes???? ya pieces of shit, you’re not opposites and you’re not obligated to only have traits your partner lacks! IT AINT HEALTHY. and yet so many lgbtq+ folks use the phrase “opposite sex” too, even though it kind of really fucks w the idea of gender identity, perpetuates sexism, and misrepresents actual biology.
    CAN YOU TELL I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS????

    (sorry, obviously it was part of a screencap but i am so over everyone glossing over this extremely problematic phrasing)

    • I know right. It’s time we ended same sex and opposite sex descriptors forever. Tbh anyone who says they’re attracted to the same sex is being transantagonistic. Ugh.

    • That’s a very valid point which I’ve never thought about before, but I now need to think of an alternative. I don’t use “straight couples” because that term excludes bi people in a (struggles for term) m/f relationship.

  34. I’m at that point in my 20s where I’m getting all these permanent creases in my face whenever I frown in concern, and oh boy did this post do irreparable damage.

    At what point do we intervene? Clearly, they need assistance.

  35. My inner baby goth wants that gun family as t-shirt, so I can only guess how fucked up and unfunny seems it to normal people.
    But also I think they might be intended to be ironic or some kinda joke because the kids aren’t holding youth hunting rifles and mom has a revolver instead of nice pistol or one of them “lady revolvers”
    However I could be wrong because in my neck of the woods gun families are usually hunting families.

    But jfc glitter bombs in body cavities, in THAT body cavity.
    I need brain bleach.

  36. Ok what is with the kink shaming, penis shaming grapefruit story!? I thought we were more inclusive here at AS, but I was wrong. Some women have penises and some women enjoy fruit play.

  37. First: I had to google “Gender Reveal Party”, cause where I come from people are usually very secretive when it comes to the “boy or girl” question (which is equally weird).

    Second: What’s with this “Can I text somebody of the opposite sex?” thing? Does that apply to phone calls, too? What if you have to call tech support and there’s someone of the opposite sex on the phone? Do you have to hang up? What are the rules? This is all kinds of confusing.

    In General: Is it possible that most of these things are not so much “straight problems”, but “straight American problems”? I don’t remember coming across any of these issues in my country.

  38. If you really think you need something in your vagina to feel worthy, come on over to my house. I’ve got you covered.

Comments are closed.