by Laneia & Riese, doodles by Taylor, except that one by Stef
If you’re a girl who likes girls, you probably want a girl to sleep over sometimes, right? But isn’t life wild? I mean aren’t things just so hard to control? Like, there’s nothing you can do about that haircut or your personality, but here are eight things that are completely within your control that anyone — ANYONE! — can do to increase your chances of getting a sleepover!
1
Live near where others work/play/school/fly
The quickest way to seduce a woman? “And I live like ten minutes from campus, so you can sleep in!” Or, “It’s only a hop, skip and a jump to Midtown from Morningside Heights!” If you’ve got a lady on your radar, proximity-to-airport is a good way to get her in your pants the night before an early flight. And it’s really easy to get people who live far away into your bed.
Bonus: If the two of you ever get together for reals like as GIRLFRIENDS, your place will always be the preferred crash-spot due to your optimal location.
2
Don’t provide any seating in your bedroom
This forces people to sit on your full-size bed, which gets them used to the idea of being in your bed. When it’s time to sleep over, staying in it won’t seem like such a big deal. After all, they’ve been on your bed for hours. What’s eight more?
3
NO PETS or, if Mr. Piddles is your only friend, Stock Up on Zyrtec
Look, your cat is really cute and obviously we love kittens, hello, and your dog is ADORBS, but! I think I speak for a lot of allergic-to-cat people when I say that there is no way in Hizzel I’m sleeping over at your place if your surfaces reveal excessive cat hair. If you insist upon keeping said cat, please choose your furnishings wisely, clean often, and keep allergy meds at the ready.
4
Keep one bottle of mildly respectable, widely-consumed
liquor or wine at all times
Why stay out and spend money when you could bring the party home, right? This doesn’t need to be expensive, but the bottle of wine should be unopened, for crying out loud.
5
Have ingredients for at least one filling snack
One word: quesadillas.
6
Forget About Pajamas
If she wants to clothe herself before bed, she’ll be choosing between baggy shorts or little shorts and tank tops or t-shirts. You can be creative here. Maybe all you have is this really thin white t-shirt or this even thinner white tank top? OH WELL I GUESS SHE’LL HAVE TO WEAR ONE OR THE OTHER.
7
Stock up on contact solution
If I had a penny for every time I heard the “I can’t, I need to take out my contacts” excuse or, consequentially, the next-day phone call of pain (“MY EYES ARE BURNING RED DEATH FROM LEAVING MY CONTACTS IN OVERNIGHT!” which sounds to me like “I will always associate sleeping with you with the day everyone thought I was crying.”), I’d be able to pay Visa for the glasses I’m wearing right now.
We don’t know the exact numbers but we’re guessing approximately 50% of all lesbians need to take out their contacts/didn’t bring their glasses. Always have it around and you can snap back to that lame-o excuse with, “Oh my ex/roommate/ex-roommate wears/wore contacts so I have some contact solution at home, actually.”
8
Extra Toothbrush
Girls like to have clean mouths, but if you have a stockpile of extra toothbrushes, you’re going to give the wrong impression. Keep ONE unopened toothbrush, ideally stored toward the back of a cabinet / drawer. Claim you received it from your mom last Christmas / Hanukkah / Other Special Day.
You got any tips?
sorry about that i was still cracking up.”like,there’s nothing you can do about your haircut or your personality.” hilarious. i can personaliy attest to no.3 there’s nothing like having to rush to the hospital cause you sound like you’ve been smoking 20 packs a day for 25 yrs. and more importantly you cant breath.
Perfect. Just one thing, though… If she insists on sleeping clothed, why would I want to sleep with her in the first place?
wha-bam.
Snuggles, obviously.. AND if she sleeps by you enough, she’ll get used to it and maybe get used to the idea that she likes you? Not everyone knows what to do with those feelings, and it’s sometimes really hard to tell someone you like them.
Just let her sleep then never invite Ber again for a sleep over
This was great! I especially liked the contact solution one. Do you really want to miss out on an opportunity like this just because of a little saline water? Extra solution at your home, even if you don’t need it, seems oh so harmless but is actually oh so genius!
Where was this post during Pride!?
Haha, thanks ladies, poignant, life altering, and hilarious as always.
it’s probably best that you didn’t have these foolproof tips. i mean, when would you have slept??
outdoor kitty’s graspy paws make me SO SAD. also, the seating tip is tops. sitting on bed = sexual tension factory
My kitties are not outdoor kitties and would probs die outside in like 30 seconds. BUT I’m also allergic to kitties so the only cat-free zone in my apartment *is* my bedroom…
PERFECT example elizabeth, well played with the cat-free zone. just remove any additional seating from your room and you’re ready to rock.
When i go to BCW’s house, her gf gives me Claritin. Which I think means something.
Done and done.
I loved your kitty drawing. Maybe “Draw adorable cartoons for her” could be on the list.
This is magic. Taylor, the graphics…
Living alone seems to work like a charm, you don’t even need any of these things.
Also I see this conflicting with the Fashion post. I suspect women have slept over not just for sex but to pick off items of my clothing they’d been eyeing up.
Ladies – you nailed it. Pun intended.
Is there going to be a companion piece titled “8 Ways to Get a Girl Out of Your House When She Just Doesn’t Want to Go”?
I could really use that right now.
1)Tell her your crazy mom is coming over for dinner and that you don’t want to tell her what happened the last time your mom found a girl in your apartment. Then shudder dramatcially.
2)Ignore her. Completely.
3)Lie to her and tell her you just found out you have lice/bedbugs/STD’s (all of them)
4)Eat a lot of garlic and do not bathe.
5)Sneeze/burp on her. Repeatedly.
6)Fake or take advantage of insomnia for late night dance party.
7)Find an unsuspecting acquaintance to pawn her off on.
8)TELL HER TO LEAVE.
9) Hit her in the face.
That would probably turn me on to be honest. JUST SO YOU KNOW IN THE FUTURE.
Pee in a glass and then offer it to her to drink. Say you like to recycle.
“I had a really good time but my ex con girlfriend was just released and is coming over. I think you’d be safer if you left.”
you could sit on your computer and barely acknowledge her presence for days at a time and if she asks you when you’ll be done working, you could give her a huge editorial project, and sooner or later, you’ll either fall in like with her, or she’ll leave
Start texting another girl… fall asleep on her.lol Start playing Call of Duty
Hahahahahaha!!!
10) start singing the L Word theme with startling speed and accuracy.
it’s a darn shame we can’t just “like” autostraddle comments….
you just did in a more special, metaphysical way
I usually try to help someone feel at ease.Having a great sense of humor is a plus. I listen to women. In less I’m in full on lust for someone, I usually invite them over for a home cooked meal. Being a great cook is another plus. At dinner I can usually decide if sex is going to happen and if sex is the only thing that can happen. By taking the time in a non-alcoholic, chill environment, I can figure out what’s what.
Their are alot of std’s out there. I would advise all would be players to at least have a date to explore past sexual histories.
Great list by the way!
Whoa hold up, this article is about sex? I thought you just wanted her to stay over so you could braid each others hair and hold hands. Perhaps I’ve been doing it wrong.
LMAO!!!!
the contact solution one is so dead on. but also it’s not an excuse, sleeping with your contacts on hurts! it’s seriously prevented me from sleeping at other people’s places, romantic or not.
i dont wear contacts so i never really realized how important that is. i’m going to buy a bottle ASAP!
There’s another one–have dental dams in the side-table drawer. “I can’t stay, we have no protection…”
HA HA HA! NOT SO FAST, SAFETY SUE!
I think the cat thing was genius. Just when I think I’m the only one left of the planet that is allergic to kitties, you all come along…
I’ve missed AS
obviously i wrote that paragraph, laneia can handle cats LADIES JUST SO YOU KNOW. the cat thing drives me insane, b/c people act like you’re an asshole/hate their cat when no really, i don’t, cats look really nice and stuff, but if i touch that cat, and then i touch my eye, i will die. and if that cat gets up on me, and gets its hair all over my clothes, then i will have to put said clothes in a tightly-sealed plastic bag and not allow said clothes to interact with other clothing until they have been laundered. i actually specifically pick clothes i am ready to wash when heading to a catty locale. GOD LIFE IS SO HARD LEAH
I relate to everything you just said.
When I was younger, I had friends with cats and could never sleep over. If I just visited them for a short period of time during the day, I had to take allergy medicine. It is good to raise awareness about cat allergies among queer women!
My little sister, who loves celebrity gossip, was showing me photos of “Rob and Kristen’s Love Nest,” and I thought, “I love this house and would totes move in with them, only KStew has a cat so it couldn’t work out.” (This was the only thing standing in the way, of course. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind another roommate.)
YES DITTO OH MY GOD. I hate feeling like an asshole every time I see a cat and like, take several steps backwards, on the other hand, I also really enjoy breathing.
these lesbians and their damn cats!!!
You made me laugh so muuch ahaah
QUESADILLAS.
how about lighting, laneia? you know what’s obnoxious? girls whose bedrooms only have one light so it’s either superreallybright or too dark to see. also this means that they probably don’t read and that’s bad news.
Strings of fairy lights are the answer to this and many other problems.
Another way to ensure women will come home? Be me.
no, srsly. it works every time.
Here’s why:
I live in the center of the Green Light District, Downtown. (this sounds cooler than it is, which is also interesting to many womyn). I also live above a restaurant, so i don’t have to cook if i don’t want to.
I have a futon, which always “inconveniently” has something taking up space and can’t be used for sitting.
I have a cat, but clean after her maniacally.
There is ALWAYS alcohol in my fridge, although little else.
I have no closets (literally and pun intended) so my clothes are too confusing to look through and I can offer girls whatever i want (white t-shirt last night).
My roommate actually does wear contacts, and we do keep extra toothbrushes for houseguests.
True. Story.
a little cocky now aren’t we, lol
Hm. The line, “I really want to sleep with you right now,” worked on me. She lived in another country, so we went to my place.
In short, for stupid people who don’t understand subtle cues, just be direct.
It is a little sad how true this is. “Hey, wanna fuck?” has yet to fail me.
haha this is too cute. the part about her sleeping clothes is so true :P.
of course they come off anyway…
My BF gave me tiny shorts and a thick hoodie in the middle of summer. I figured she just needed to do laundry. That hoodie came off quick. I had no idea it was a ‘move’!
so good!
to increase the odds of getting laid AGAIN, maybe also have the stuff to make pancakes/waffles/omelets/something breakfasty.
If you have flour eggs sugar milk, which fuck knows i don’t have the wits to keep eggs in but my flatmate is like obsessed so they’re always in the fridge, then you always have stuff to make pancakes. Victory! (Also you can have pancakes whenever you want. Mmm.)
Good point. My girlfriend apparently doesn’t eat unless I feed her, so she has NO FOOD. If you want me to stay conscious/in your bed, I need breakfast. She is learning, though.
On the pancake/waffle note, even if you’re like vegan/gluten-free have some food on hand that normal people eat because they may think your rice waffles taste like socks.
awww i would love your sockwaffles
Screw that, my girlfriend eats my gluten free pancakes or she doesn’t eat.
(but my food never tastes like socks).
*sigh* maybe you all should sleep at my house then? Haha. I didn’t think they tasted like socks.
Okay, but only if there are gluten free french toast sticks in the morning. (THEY EXIST!!)
omg french toast. back in the day i had a gf who made me french toast the first morning, and then every morning after that. i didn’t leave for a month.
i love #3. THANKYOUFORNUMBER3. sooo many women are like, ‘hi here’s my pet that sleeps in the bed too’ and i’m like, ‘oh wait, i just remembered i forgot i have something to do now at 4am’.
agreed!
Ha, this totally posted a day late for me, and she actually cited the contact solution/case issue, but it didn’t stop her from sleeping over. She took one for the team. My team. :)
Incidentally, I need to buy a contact case and some Renu. Just to have on hand. Just in case.
I should’ve kept some of the spare toothbrushes from when my mom was a dental hygienist. Live and learn!
This only works if it’s snowing. After you drop her off at her dorm, drive your car into a snow bank and get it stuck on purpose. Then go back to her dorm room and ask her if you can crash there because your car got stuck in the snow.
Haaa! I’m late to seeing this but that was hilarious!
Hahahaha aaaand that’s how me and my ex slept together for the first time after just one date.
She was working in a restaurant nearby my house and it started snowing and while texting I joked “Oh my god what if when you leave your car stops and you have no way of going home! I’ll have to save you!”
Fast forward half an hour, her shift ended, she got in the car and (accidentally I hope) crashed it because of ice.
She had to walk 2 km in the snow to my place and… the rest is history.
Not all of us are squeamish! Some thick and BIG brown towels. She’s not going to get away just because of her red tide.
I’ve got only one little sofa in my room, haha, so we have to sit close to each other the whole time.
Which is also a good idea, even though… maybe I should try the bed thingy.
This was pretty witty and not to mention useful. The whole contact solution thing, I can definitely relate. I remember spending the night at someone’s place and had no choice but to leave my contacts in. It was awful, looked like a zombie in the morning.
The bed thing definitely works.
WHOA!
WHOA! I have 2 chairs in my room… that 2 too many!
The contact solution thing is completely fantastic advice. As someone who has used the contact excuse on several occasions, I can attest to the power of a potential partner with proper contact supplies.
As a contact wearer I always bring a contact case with fluid already in it with me just in case the opportunity for sleepovers presents itself. Does that mean I’m a slut, or does it mean that “oh, I have contacts….” is an excuse?
Are you keeping the case/solution ready and with you strictly for sleepover situations? Or for life situations, and sleepover situations if they present themselves? I think that answers your slutty-slut-slut question.
Okay, I have like every single one of these covered. And yet, girl is not here. *pouts*
“we need to make books cool again. if you go home with somebody and the don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” -john waters
they**
lmao. I always have extra toothbrushes :|
IDEM. THE BEST OF THE IDEAS. JUST FOR KISSANDKISSANDKISSANDKISS-etc A CLEAN MOUTH ;-)
I went on a date with this girl I worked with and I had only seen her in work ,in her work uniform and when she came round mine that evening (I’m sorry I sound superficial) but she was wearing the worse thing I could ever imagine. I can’t describe it enough to make you aware of how bad.. it was all cream head to toe and big black clumpy heels like school shoes and it was creased and dirty. So I started crying eratically saying how much I missed my ex blah blah blah. The shame I know but she left and at least she left feeling like I was the loser and didn’t know that I’m really a superficial cow.
i feel like that is the opposite of what this article’s trying to accomplish.
I loved this story. I’ve had a similar experience.
why the sudden article re-postings? i really like this one though. it’s hilarious yet so truly effective.
why are there two article re-postings? any new ones soon?
um, earlier i was having a mental breakdown and someone said “you should just republish funny things” and so i did that.
the nsfw sunday will be done i think before monday and then, per ushe, new posts will occur in succession per ushe.
Oh! so I’m not crazy. I feel better now. Also, I like this and cookies and personally think republishing isn’t at all a bad idea.
So I got on Autostraddle to procrastinate while doing my math homework about Venn Diagrams…and the first thing I see is a Venn Diagram. K.
Oh man could you maybe incorporate “How to pick up chicks and get them to stay overnight” into your math homework? Bonus points for creativity?
Addition to #1: Live in a city where few drive but the public transit system has limited hours. Definitely had a convenient ‘sleep-over’ or two in Paris because the Metro stops running at 1 or 2 am.
I’ll be sure to keep this in mind when I go abroad
hehehe….cool stuff…and ya, if she wants to sleep clothed just tell her you don’t!
I knew I shouldn’t have bought that desk chair! :o
all i have to do is tell girls my name, and let them touch my hair… then their panties falls off… or boxers or whatever LOL just kidding that never happens!
Ha! ?
Dude! Perfect! lol just as soon as I infiltrate her current relationship this is on!
if my crush and the girl she’s been seeing for a week (a week!!) went out to dinner on valentine’s day, what are the chances of me infiltrating? how hard should i lay on the flirtation? is accidentally making out with her in the library (like i’ve imagined) too much?
now i’m wondering if other people have done the stuff on this list to me on purpose…i did not appreciate looking like a hairy werewolf in someone’s lavender minidress. really, you’ve got no other sleep clothes?
but the alcohol thing squicks me out because it brings up consent issues. seriously, this list is pretty immature. if you don’t have the skills to have a conversation about it, you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone.
I think if both people are drinking then there is no consent issues. I would have to say 75% of the girls I “have sleepovers” with have been drinking not saying I get them drunk, thats just how it works out because im drinking and going to bar lots. I would have to say that I dont think it’s ok for someone sober to have a one night stand if the other person is realy drunk.
perhaps this post called “what is rape culture?” might give you all a clue.
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/10/rape-culture-101.html
I really appreciate this comment as I was thinking about this the whole time I was reading this. Some of the items are very manipulative. especially the bed thing. and the pajamas thing. I think most of them could have been framed as “how to act like a mature adult and make your date’s sleepover experience more enjoyable”
Too funny, I love the witt. There is also the online dating websites which all seem to be a scam. Enter lesbianlexicon the 100% free lesbian dating and social website. http://www.lesbianlexicon.org.
Features include Chat, Blogs, Forums, Profiles, Matching, classified ads…. All for FREE
Sorry for being such an attention Whore, but I would like all of you women to come to my place online.
I agree with B, the alcohol “tip” is definitely in bad taste.
I love this <3
7 is so true omg.
Fuck. Why am I online reading all these comments? Let’s just have sex already.
There’s a glare on the TV in the living room– instead let’s watch the movie on my laptop in my room… too bad the heater’s broken, you can get under the covers if you want… ya sorry I only have this one sheet, but it’d probably be warmer scooting over here next to me…
Love these! Definitely used the no chairs excuse before. Also not having a tv and having to watch a movie on a small computer screen is MAGIC.
This is so funny. Love the illustrations and the fact that all these tips are spot-on.
This is awesome. Lol
I actually have a box of unopened toothbrushes under the sink. And keep one out in the actual toothbrush holder. Lololol. I’m terrible.
Never thought about the contact solution though, very helpful!
Um, I feel like a bit of a loser here, but wouldn’t we be really mad if a guy published this?
i think i’d be mad if winged monkeys published this, or if ryan gosling published this, or if my stepdad did. but none of those people published this. we did.
context is allllmost everything.
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Notes to future self.
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Technically I already fail at the 2nd piece of advice because I have furniture in the living room… what do I do, throw the couch out? :D
Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found
a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said
“You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and
screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off
topic but I had to tell someone!
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