Quiz: Which Top Chef Would Chef Top You?

Feature image by Noam Galai / MediaNews Group/Boston Herald / Rick Kern / Kris Connor / Tibrina Hobson / Boston Globe / John Medina / Jason Kempin via Getty Images

Do you believe the myth of top shortage only applies when you’re ISO a Daddy or Mommy? Do you love yelling at cheftestants on cooking shows for forgetting to salt the seafood paella while you slurp your instant ramen? Boy have I got the ultra-specific intersection of delicious and *delicious* for you! Bravo’s Top Chef, long may she reign, is an absolute hotbed of ferocious lesbian activity, and with all that heat in the kitchen competition it’s obvious that the contestants need a way to unwind. If you’re cruising for a bruising, take this quiz to match up with your perfect spatula spanker. After all, every top chef needs a bottom…I mean, sous chef.

What would your personal cooking routines fall apart without?(Required)

Garlic press

Stand mixer

Corkscrew

Wok

Crock pot

Takeout menu

Microwave

Hello Kitty waffle iron

Favorite impact toy?(Required)

Spatula

An open palm

Heart-shaped crop <3

Quirt

Don’t hit me I’m baby

Cane

Hammer

Vampire paddle

Choose a loosely culinary-related tattoo:(Required)

Choose a novelty apron:(Required)

How do you let off steam after a long week?(Required)

Go on a long, hard run

Book a spa day

Cuddle up with popcorn and mindless reality television

Somebody please tell me how to let off steam, my TMJ is killing me

Flirt aimlessly over Instagram

Complain to your friends until one of them offers to buy you a drink

Orgy!

Escape to the beach

You won $10,000 in a quickfire challenge! What’s the first thing you splurge on?(Required)

Therapy

A brand new set of chef’s knives

A harness from that hot queer leatherworker

So many houseplants

A trip to the Food and Wine Festival in Aspen

A new detailing job for your pick up

A signed Xena: Warrior Princess box set

A new magic wand

You’re up for elimination at Judge’s Table. How did you get there?(Required)

I tried to make risotto in thirty minutes

I sassed my teammates

My knife cuts were uneven

I was the team leader and I’m taking responsibility for every little thing that went wrong

I was the team leader and I’m not taking responsibility for ANYTHING

I got nervous explaining my dish to Padma

Two of my components didn’t make the plate

I have no idea, my dish was delicious and I stand behind it

Choose a song you’d subtly send to your crush because you’re super subtle:(Required)

“So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings,” Caroline Polachek

“Everybody Wants to Love You,” Japanese Breakfast

“I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend,” The Rubinoos

“Hung Up,” Madonna

“How Will I Know,” Whitney Houston

“My Heart Belongs to Daddy,” Eartha Kitt

“Fantasy,” Mariah Carey

“You Can Have it All,” Yo La Tengo

Choose a dessert:(Required)

What color is your “chef bandana”? *wink wink*(Required)

Red

Black

Gray

Light blue

Light pink

Yellow

Navy blue

White

Choose a movie for date night:(Required)

Like Water for Chocolate

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover

No Reservations

Tampopo

The Wedding Banquet

Waitress

What’s Cooking

Nina’s Heavenly Delights

Choose a US city for a food-fueled vacation:(Required)

San Francisco, CA

New Orleans, LA

Chicago, IL

Charleston, SC

Houston, TX

Las Vegas, NV

Miami, FL

New York City, NY

Choose the Pride 2022 sponsor:(Required)

Buitoni

Williams-Sonoma

Glad

Toyota

Quaker Oats

Campbell’s Soup

Clorox

Padma’s arms

Choose a top:(Required)

Where do you get railed after they win Restaurant Wars?(Required)

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