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Pretty Little Liars Recap 310: What Lies Beneath Lesbian Relationships

Lizz
Aug 19, 2012

This week we have critically important gay stuff need to talk about ASAP. Because of said critically important gay shit, I will do my best to rush through the straight stuff that we only marginally care about. Except the parts where Spencer looks hot because obviously we care about that A Lot.

We open on Hanna moving around some plants and stuff. The reason doesn’t make any sense and also doesn’t matter because the important thing here is that Hanna finds a letter under a planter that Maya wrote to Emily.

I NEED TO EXPOSE MY EARS SO I CAN SEE BETTER

Now, why the fuck would Maya leave a letter for Emily? We don’t know. But if I had to guess it would be because queer women love a good letter. Seriously, we fucking love them. My best queer friend from Boston wrote me a letter last week just to say good luck in med school and all about how we’re like family and stuff. It was really cute and I’m totally tearing up thinking about it. It was a seriously long letter.

THIS REMINDS ME OF BACK IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHEN YOU WOULD WRITE A FAUX LETTER AS A PILGRIM AND THEN “AGE” IT WITH TEA

Where were we? Oh right! Maya’s letter! Maya writes that she has something she wants to show Emily but not to text/call her because someone stole her phone. Well that explains all that phone shit from last season. Maya also wants Emily to meet her somewhere but the location of that place has, obviously, been washed out by the rain. Actually Maya’s whole leave a note outside plan was pretty fucking dumb.

How Maya Could Have Made Her Plan Less Dumb
1. Put the letter in the mailbox
2. Put the letter in large envelope/box so it would be seen
3. Tape the letter to the door
4. Email Emily
5. Hired someone to skywrite the letter

Unfortunately Maya didn’t have my cunning problem-solving skills and the Liars are left with half a note that doesn’t give them much info.

PASSING AROUND INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOW TO SECRETLY OBTAIN A COPY OF “OUR BODIES OURSELVES”

The Liars do, however, realize that the letter was dated the day Maya died. Emily seemed upset, but you know, not that upset. In reality it probably takes someone years to get over the death of their first girlfriend, but we only get about three months of TV Land time and 16 hours of realtime per season. So we gotta get this recovery going to get more scissoring action.

YOU WANT ME TO GO A WHOLE OTHER HALF SEASON WITHOUT SCISSORING WITH PAIGE?!

Flash forward to Ezra’s apartment where, as usual, he and Aria are having breakfast. I want to make a joke here about how all these two do is hang out in Ezra’s apartment, except I think that’s probably actually really realistic for a mid-twenties guy who’s dating a high school senior.

OHHHH SHITTTT! YOU BROUGH BAGELS?! YOU’RE THE BEST GIRLFRIEND EVVEEERRRRR!

Either way, remember how mature Aria was last episode? Well apparently that was all a farse and she actually pissed as shit about the whole high school girlfriend Maggie got paid to have an abortion and disappear thing. Well mostly she’s upset that Ezra didn’t tell her. As if those things come up in conversation casually.

OH MAN. IF I JUST SIT ON THIS COUCH I WONDER IF SOMEONE WILL BRING ME A BAGEL. I WONDER WHO WOULD DO THAT FOR ME.

Anyways so Aria’s a brat about it but then later in the episode they reconcile and stuff. Then Ezra drops the bomb that he found the high school sweetie. My money’s on she secretly kept the baby and the baby is Alison’s secret twin. The baby is A.

OH MAN THESE REALLY ARE THE BEST. DID YOU GET THESE FROM ABSOLUTE BAGELS?

Starsweep to the Life Cafe where Hanna is obsessing over Maya’s website. While Emily definitely already looked at every single minute of every single video on that site, Hanna is just giving it a double check.

LISTEN, UM, IF YOU SEE ANYTHING ON THERE ABOUT “LESBIAN BED DEATH” I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT. THAT WASN’T ME I SWEAR.

The Life Cafe is the only coffee shop in town, so in walks our favorite doctor who is board certified in everything. He’s just swung by to tell Hanna he loves her always and forever or at least that he really enjoyed their kiss and would kind of maybe like to do it again some time.

UNIMPRESSED

Okay. Murder, secret texts, dating the English teacher are all things I can suspend my disbelief for. But not Wren. First of all, Wren did a seriously weird time travel thing. First of all, “last year” he was a med student and now he’s like an attending at Rosewood International Hospital. Secondly, at the very youngest (and if he had done medical school in the UK) Wren would be like 25. However, he could very easily be 27 if he had done medical school in the US and not taken any time off. What 27 year-old doctor has the desire to date a 17-year-old? Ezra I can believe because he’s in his early twenties and hooked up with Aria thinking she was a college student. But Wren knowingly pursuing Hanna? This I do not buy. Sorry.

THIS LOOKS LIKE THE FACE OF A MAN WHO’S HAD HIS SCREEN ACTORS GUILD CARD FOR AT LEAST TWO DECADES

Hanna, shockingly, is the one who blows Wren off because clearly this shit doesn’t make any sense to her either. And because of Caleb and Spencer. Wah wah wah.

SORRY. I HAVE TO GO FIND MY OTHER BOYFRIEND. HE’S A DENTIST.

Starsweep to Rosewood where Spencer and Emily are apparently the only ones still in school. Emily’s been reading Maya’s letter over and over again without any real results. “Dead girlfriend” is all fine and good, but we know who has the real problems — Spencer. She laments her recent failure, i.e. getting a B.

FYI THIS WAS ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.

And Toby left! What will we ever do?

GIRL, GET REAL PROBLEMS.

More importantly Spencer leaves when our favorite neighborhood future soft butch heads over.

EMILY’S “HEHE THAT’S MY GIRLFRIEND” FACE

That’s right, it’s Paige and she’s wearing a black t-shirt with an American flag and bald eagle on the front With The Sleeves Cut Off.

I PICKED UP THIS SHIRT FROM THE SALVATION ARMY. INITIALLY I WAS BEING IRONIC BUT THEN I WAS LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THAT. I DO LOVE AMERICA AND I DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO SHOW IT EVEN IF THE GOVERNMENT THINKS I’M A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN

Also, literally the second Paige starts talking soft guitar music starts to play in the background and it’s kind of hilarious but also the best thing ever. The love-birds were supposed to have lunch but Paige has to go see the swim coach about something or other. Emily speculates that Paige is probably going to be asked to anchor the five-hundred meter breast stroke (get it?) relay. And then Paige said “I’ll let you know” (using a voice most lesbians don’t use until their six months in with girlfriend three) and gives Emily a reassuring shoulder pat thing instead of a kiss.

THERE IS NOTHING SEXIER THAN A REASSURING SHOULDER PAT.

Starsweep inside the school where Aria walks in on her mom having a lunch date with Bakery Boy in her classroom.

IF I WERE DATING HOLLY MARIE COMBS I WOULD MAKE HER LUNCH EVERY DAY

Now, I feel like this is wildly inappropriate on Ella’s part as as school teacher but maybe I’m just uptight. And when I say walk in on, I mean they are making out with their mouths.

SOUTH COAST BOUTIQUE IS HAVING A FIRE SALE?!

Just in case you’ve forgotten how young and hot Bakery Boy is, he’s wearing a leather jacket. Obviously age isn’t a big deal to Ella since Piper was married to Leo and he was technically like 82 I think.

REALLY? AFTER ALL THAT BLUE CHEESE AND GARLIC BREAD?

Anyways Aria and Ella’s conversation is brief because Aria has to go change her panties after seeing Bakery Boy, but Ella promises to explain everything later. Later comes over by Aria’s locker. Basically Ella says she’s trying to get her groove on with three different guys. Heyyyy.

AFTER 20 YEARS OUT OF THE DATING CIRCUIT, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN ALL THE FANCY NEW SEX MOVES THE KIDS ARE DOING THESE DAYS?

Emily strolls on over to Hanna’s house. Even though Emily’s mom moved home, I feel like these two living together was really good for the flow of the show because they don’t have to contrive reasons to just hang around at Hanna’s house. Like Emily could just be at Hanna’s because it feels like home still.

THAT’S IT?

Either way Hanna took a whole bunch of those Caffeine Pills from Saved by the Bell and printed out and organized all fo Maya’s photographs. She is searching them for clues. If only Hanna put this much effort into school she could probably give Spencer a run for her money.

WAIT HOW DID SHE GET ALL TEN FINGERS IN?

Looking through the photos, Emily finds one of the last pictures Maya posted — an oh-so-sexy picture of Maya in PJs. Surprisingly, Maya’s posing in front of a sign that says “Kahn.” Leaving aside the question of why Maya takes so many self portraits, this places her at Noel’s lake house during the day just before her death.

1. WHAT IS AROUND MAYA’S NECK? 2. I FEEL LIKE THIS SHOULD HAVE JUMPED OUT AT THEM EARLIER

The two call Spencer, who is at school, to inform her just before she runs in to Noel. Convenient!

I’M STILL UNCLEAR ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SCHOOL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

Spencer has some curt words for Noel about Maya and his party. She delivers them with her usual completely hot timing. Why is good timing so hot?

REFERRING TO THE NIGHT SHE SPENT WITH ME

Spencer lets him know that she knows something is up with him and Maya. Noel says he sometimes sold Maya weed and says “weed” in a way that makes him seem even seedier. I’m really really trying not to hate every male character on this show, but Noel gives some serious crazy eyes.

LIKE THIS IS SERIOUSLY CREEPY RIGHT?

We skip through time and space where suddenly Noel and Jenna are canoodling at the Life Cafe. Nate stops by to see Emily because he’s obsessed with her or something and sees the lovely couple.

I ALMOST KIND OF LIKE THEM HERE

Jenna gives Nate the cold shoulder because she thinks he has a girlfriend and now Jenna has a boyfriend and because he’s fucking creepy as all hell. Nate proceeds to basically harass the heck out of Jenna saying he wants to give her her birthday gift and meet up with her later and all this shit.

I’M GONNA SIT HERE UNTIL YOU PROMISE TO LOVE ME

Jenna’s a big girl and can take care of herself, so she goes in to super firm Fuck Off mode which I absolutely love. Still, Nate comes off really pushy and a little scary here.

HERE, “PLEASE” IS A EUPHEMISM FOR “FOR FUCK SAKE”

Emily is not impressed.

IS WISHING SHE’D TAKEN THAT JOB IN THE LINGERIE STORE

Noel heads off to synchronized diving practice and, though Spencer is supposed to be going home to study forever, Emily texts her to go snooping through his gym locker. At some point in the last six months Spencer learned how to pick locks, and she starts going through Noel’s locker and, consequently, his phone. Obviously Spencer timed sneaking in with the end of practice, so sweaty man bodies start pouring in. Actually, first Spencer hides out while some guys shower, and then the sweaty man bodies pour in. It’s weird.

IT’S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT, AND A STEP TO THE RIGHT

Spencer should have done what I did the time I accidentally walked in to the boy’s locker room in high school and just flailing her arms yelling “OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY HEAD I CAN’T BELIEVE I WALKED IN TO THE BOY’S LOCKER ROOM!!” Instead her big plan is… um… to just like walk out in front of everybody and for some reason no one besides Noel thinks this is weird.

I WOULD IMAGINE IT WOULD BE A BETTER BET TO READ AN EMAIL FROM JENNA.

PAIGE: CUTTING WOOD AND BREAKING HEARTS SINCE 2004

Back over at the Life Cafe, the soft guitar music starts up again which can only mean one thing — Paige is stopping by to see Emily! Turns out Coach didn’t want her to swim anchor in the breast stroke relay (still funny) she actually bombed a math test and now her average is below a B. Saddy. Does anything good ever happen to Paige? And then Paige dropped this awesome lesbian bomb:

I TOOK FOUR YEARS OF WOODSHOP

Which I’m almost definitely positive was a reference to Ned’s Declassified NOT THAT I WATCHED THAT OR ANYTHING.

PAIGE: CUTTING WOOD AND BREAKING HEARTS SINCE 2004

To cheer Paige up, Emily asks her to come over to watch a movie. I swear Paige acts like she still can’t believe she and Emily are dating. The dynamic is a bit odd, but it’s still super cute. And then they have this super cute moment where Emily kisses Paige to make her feel better and I have a hundred feelings about it.

That was lengthy but I think worth it to experience. Mostly I think it’s funny that the kisses are so chaste even though all high school students normally wanna do is grind against each other in public. With that, Emily heads back to work and Paige heads home. For the record, in the real world, when your girlfriend has a coffee shop job you actually just hang around all day every day.

Speaking of the Life Cafe, Ezraria are inside I guess being public about their relationship? It’s unclear. Either way Baker Boy is there (since he owns the joint) and Ezra peer pressures Aria in to saying hello.

WITH REGARD TO THIS SHOW, THIS COUPLE ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE THEY MAKE SENSE

Throughout their discussion we discover that Baker Boy is crazy about Ella and not seeing anyone else. Is it just me or is it a little weird that Aria is so involved in her mother’s love life? Well, it doesn’t end there. Then Ella and Aria have the most adorable mother/daughter post-yoga moment where Aria tells Ella she should be straight with her man friend about all her other man friends. Like I said, it was really cute. Holly Marie Combs can do yoga with me any day.

I WOULD SAY I WANT ELLA TO BE MY MOM EXCEPT I LOVE MY MOM AND SHE’S THE ONLY MOM I WANT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

When Ella next sees Baker Boy, the two talk about all of the Feelings and decide to go steady. My favorite part is when Ella points out that she’s ten years older than Baker Boy. Their relationship is officially the male-female relationship I am most heavily invested in.

LISTEN BABE JUST BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE RYAN GOSLING DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO PUT YOUR HANDS ALL OVER ME.

Also, I’m choosing to pretend that Ella was 18 when she had Aria, making Ella currently 35 which in turn makes Baker Boy 25 and therefore potentially the same age as Ezra. For hilarity I’d prefer if Baker Boy was younger than Ezra but I’ll take what I can get.

Starsweep to wherever the hell Noel’s cabin is where Hanna and Emily decide to take a look around. How is it still daytime? The two just walk in the front door because no one keeps their doors locked and find a completely destroyed living room.

ALTHOUGH YOU DON’T NEED TO LOCK YOUR DOORS IF YOU’RE TAKING SURVEILLANCE

They comment that it’s probably from a party but I feel like someone actually broke in and the Liars are gonna get framed for it.

OH THAT’S WHERE I LEFT THAT

The place is full of mounted deer heads and red solo cups and what else but a secret door to a secret room where someone has secretly been staying. Super sleuth Hanna even finds an overnight bag belonging to one miss Maya.

THIS BAG IS JUST FULL OF BIG BLACK DILDOS

Items in the Bag

+One (1) scarf
+One (1) knife with the initial L.J.
+One (1) birthday card Emily gave to Ali
+One (1) unused ticket to San Francisco

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH L.J.’S MORE FAMOUS BROTHER B.J.

First of all, L.J. is definitely the name of the guy who Maya was dating at True North who is also definitely probably Nate. Also, I personally think this stuff could have been assembled by A to frame the Liars, but then again I’m paranoid.

LIKE I THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT MAYA NEVER LEFT ROSEWOOD. BECAUSE SHE DIED THERE…

Or am I? Because just then all the window shutters shut and the door locks trapping the Liars in the lake house. Emily grabs a poker thingy and yells to see if it’s Noel. Instead of a response, the power blows. They scream. Obviously.

O FACES

Emily goes in to super hot escape mode and breaks the glass out of a window like nobody’s business.

THIS IS SUPER HOT

Hanna, on the other hand, somehow stabs herself while trying to pry the shutters open. Emily wraps up Hanna giant bleeding wound and the bashes the shutters open with a baseball bat. For real. The two hop out of the window (unfortunately off screen) and are confront with a big painted note from A. God, A paints fast.

LIKE COLD RIBS IN THE FRIDGE

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Spencer gets an email (potentially from Noel) telling Spencer to stop putting her meaty little fingers all over his locker. Attached is a surveillance video from the night Maya died. 9:30pm and a girl bikes up to the house. What girl? You totally already know. Duh, it’s Maya.

NOEL’S HOUSE LOOKS LIKE THE OUTSIDE OF A CRACKER BARREL

Emily and Hanna get back to Hanna’s place where she’s clearly bleeding out. Hanna refuses to go to the hospital even though she could totally just say she dropped a knife doing the dishes or something. Instead Emily calls Dr. British over and Hanna tells him she cut herself “cutting a really big carrot.” He believes her zero percent. Wren stays to cook Hanna some dinner, and the two flirt. Even though Wren’s motives make no sense, I’m actually in to this because Caleb is tragically boring.

I CAN’T BELIEVE HE CUT THOSE CUTE PINK JEANS. I SPENT THE WHOLE EPISODE THINKING THOSE JEANS WERE SO CUTE. SHE SERIOUSLY COULDN’T HAVE CHANGED OUT OF THEM?!

Emily finally gets home and finds Nate on her doorstep. He’s all ” Wah wah wah sorry I acted like a crazy person to Jenna earlier. Wah wah wah I miss Maya. Love me.” Emily shows Nate the bag she found and he rifles through it. Nate starts pulling things out and breaking down crying.

LOOK HOW NEGATIVE EMILY’S BODY LANGUAGE IS

I really thought what was going to happen here was that Nate was going to see something and accidentally blow his cover (because I still think he’s the ex-boyfriend).

That is not what happens.

Instead they fucking kiss.

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?

AT FIRST I’M LIKE

The second they kiss you absolutely know Paige is going to see them. And then I though, “Oh good. Emily is going to pull away and run in to Paige’s arms crying.” Or maybe Paige will see them kiss but not see the part where Emily pulls away upset. Except then they just kept kissing.


So Paige strolls up the sidewalk with the cutest little grin on her face– like an “I’m gonna get some lady action” grin and sees her goddamn girlfriend making out with someone else on her front step.

AND YOU REALLY DON’T WANNA MAKE PAIGE ANGRY

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

You can just see the wheels turn in Paige’s head. What did I just see? I just saw Emily kissing someone. I just saw Emily kissing a boy. I’m so sad. No wait I’m mad.So she knocks over a trash can like a champ.

VIA FUCKYEAHPAIGEANDEMILY.TUMBLR.COM

It’s perfect because Paige is having all the same feelings I was. The two finally pull away and Nate say some shit about feeling close to Emily and having wanted to kiss her for a while. But Emily doesn’t say anything. The scene cuts away before Emily can admit feelings for Nate or tell him to go fuck himself or whatever. She just looks a little blank.

WELL THIS IS AWKWARD

At first I was mad at the writers. Really really mad. Not because I thought they were turning Emily in to a bisexual — I love bisexuals — but because I thought they were ditching our girl-girl relationship after really only two episodes of dating. How could they do that to me? But then I realized, that’s not what they’re doing at all.

First and most obviously, we don’t know what Emily said after that kiss. She could have said “I’m sorry Nate. I know we’re both grieving and wanted to feel close to someone for a moment but I love someone else.” Or, “Oh Wow. That was a mistake.” For all we know, she could have said, “Yep. Yep. Definitely gay.” Sometimes people are sad and they just kiss someone. They want to comfort themselves or act out or just feel something other than bleak numbness for a minute. I can’t speak for Nate, but I think that’s what was going on with Emily.

Even though it broke my heart in to a million pieces to see Paige’s face, I think I’m starting to understand why all this shitty shit happens to Paige. Paige isn’t one of the Liars, Paige is one of us. The Liars get stalked by mystery figures and blackmailed and constantly sexually pursued. But Paige? Paige deals with shit like being second best on the swim team. Paige has to do things like resolve unwanted sexual feelings, come out to her bigot parents and deal with self hatred. Paige gets dumped because she’s not ready to come out and then watches as the girl she likes falls in love with someone else. Paige has to learn to control her anger and maybe has a bit of a drinking problem. Paige is too scared to go to a pride group. Paige’s bike is constantly breaking. These are our real problems. So while I love Emily in all of her accidental steroid using, fake scholarship getting, breaking and entering, talking doll receiving glory, sometimes I wish she would just stop seeming so perfect and have a couple of the regular high school queer problems. And Paige? She has all of them. So yeah, of course Paige sees her girlfriend kissing a guy. So for me, it makes a lot of sense that Paige doesn’t say anything and just turns around and walks away and kicks a trash can. It makes sense that when she sees Emily again, she gets super passive aggressive and sort of acts like she didn’t see anything but maybe kind of vaguely hints that she did. Because Paige is one of us and honestly, at her age, I would have done exactly the same thing.

I’M JUST GONNA PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND WE’RE JUST GOING TO DATE UNTIL ONE OF US DIES

Moving along the Liars watch more surveillance video from Noel’s place. The video shows Noel and Jenna going in to the cabin at 1:14 am followed by Maya coming out of the cabin. And at 1:14:45 am someone grabs Maya and pulls her off screen. Dun dun dun. Sorry, these things are much more dramatic to watch rather than describe.

MAKE-BANDITS

SNATCHED!

So:

The Events of April 12/13, 2011
9pm: Maya is seen getting in to a car with Garret
10:04pm: Maya arrives at Noel’s cabin
Midnight: Garret is arrested at Spencer’s house
1:14am: Noel and Jenna go in the cabin and Maya is snatched
Between 1:15-2am: Maya is killed at the DiLaurentis house where her body is later discovered

A few notes. First of all, the first season, which based on Maya’s death took place Labor day weekend 2010. This means that though the show is now taking place in the past, when it initially aired (June 8, 2010) it was taking place in the future. Second of all, if Noel, Garret, Jenna were all out of commission, then I have no idea who killed Maya. I do know this episode was a real trek.

Next week we’ll do more speculation on Paige’s slow but steady march in to a soft butch fashion paradise and I’ll make my strongest predictions for who will betray the Liars in the mid-season finale. Spoiler Alert: It probably won’t be Mona again.