Orange is The New Black Episode 307 Recap: Some Kind Of Fetish Fangirl
Daya wants to know if growing up with money made Piper a better human and she mostly gives it two thumbs up, like she had ballet lessons, but wasn’t too good at the flute? You know how it is. The flute is hard. The moral is: money buys happiness, but only so much.
Piper: Love is the most important thing.
Daya: Yeah, but money helps.
Piper: Yeah, money helps. But you know what? We both ended up here.
Seriously you can’t see it? It’s a tiny hair, coming out of my chin, and it’s ruining my life.
In the Rest and Relaxation Audio/Visual Room, Poussey’s vadge-deep in Suzanne’s Sex Spectacular while Black Cindy hunts for some Jewy movies (e.g, Seinfeld, Fiddler on the Roof) to become adequately acquainted with the religion that inspired her kosher meals. Unfortunately, Shalom Sesame is nowhere to be found.
Black Cindy: Ain’t any Jewy movies in here? Shit.
Poussey: Aren’t all movies Jewy?
Found it. “If These Walls Could Talk 2.”
Poussey leaps out of her prison pants when Suzanne shows up — she’s got questions about Edwina’s romantic future, like is she gonna pick the wearwolf, the vampire, Jose or Alicia Cargyle? Suzanne has fans, y’all, and she deserves ’em.
Ever gonna throw a bone to the Sparia fans, though?
Halloween. Special.
Danny visits Caputo for a little one-on-one in which Caputo wants things that the prison needs, like 40 hours of training so Gerber Babies don’t lose their shit and spray their seed all over the card sharks, and Danny wants things like Caputo to be “open-minded” about “changes around here.”
I’m not exactly President of the Caputo Fan Club, but lawd, how the fuck can you take care of people — and not just any people, but mostly people who’ve never, ever, been adequately cared for — when the people in charge are serving another entirely separate interest of “delivering profits to shareholders”? Prison should never be privatized. It’s really, truly awful.
You know, like a beer can
Nah man, I’m talking about a jug of Mickey’s Ice right now
Danny attempts to explain to Caputo what he does as “Director of Human Activity” and why he’s not really Caputo’s boss, except that he kind of is, ’cause Caputo gets no access to the top and Danny does.
Caputo: If you are my boss, then you’re the warden.
Danny: No no we don’t call it that. I’m the Director of Human Activity!
You’d call me a switch? Really? Are we in the same relationship here? I’m ALWAYS the top.
Norma’s reluctant to pursue her spiritual practice although Gina insists she’s helping people. But leading is a lot for Norma. Following, though? That she can do.
Yup that’s right I just want a little picture of a Tweety bird RIGHT on my lower back
Red’s distraught about the fate of her kitchen and “those tacos” walking around like they’re in charge. You’re still in charge, writes Norma.
Red: Of who, you? No, I’m your friend. Your bossy friend, but still, your friend!
The kitchen is her baby, says Red, her voice cracking — so Norma reaches out with her hands to give the healing touch.
Red: Is this the thing you do? The magic?
[Norma nods yes, clearly proud of herself]
Red: Well stop it. I’m not comfortable with that. Come on, Norma, let’s get back to the real thing.
FLASHBACK! Norma and Guru Mack drive through the countryside in a sad empty van, riding out the tail end of his cult’s final days. Norma’s making a flyer for a meditation session but without all those chicks to bang, Guru Mack’s not feeling the warmth of G-d’s love anymore… or even the warmth of Norma’s love.
Guru Mack: All those wives and I’m left with you, my one true believer. So much for sacred vows. Now I’m going down on those trumped-up bullshit charges. Those girls were there on their own accord.
IS IT TIME TO PLAY TRAVEL BINGO???!
Guru Mack’s plan to avoid what I assume are charges of rape and kidnapping is to get off the grid and commune with Gaia. Until the truck breaks down. Then he reverts to every asshole bro’s #1 strategy for dealing with things that break: kicking it, yelling, and using the lord’s name in vain.
Back in the present day, Daya’s trying to get some fetal input on whether the baby would prefer a mansion or living on 149th street with Grandma. Aleida points out that “fetuses don’t know shit” and that Daya’s options for motherhood will be very limited by her criminal record. But Daya doesn’t care about all that. She wants her kid to have the one thing she never had: a mother who wants her, loves her, treasures her, and tells her so, no matter what. A mother who can look back on days like Daya’s 17th birthday and remember being there with her daughter, not the man who gave her money so they could get their toes done.
So, what do you think of my gown?
Well, it looks an awful lot like my gown…
Aleida can’t go there, though: not having real feelings about her choices as a mother is the only thing keeping her sane and stable and most importantly, tough.
Daya: All I ever wanted was to spend time with you.
Aleida: You were stupid to want me. Kids are dumb. You gotta make decisions for them.
Aleida says money is the problem, was the only problem. Daya doesn’t think so. She thinks love matters most.
In the kitchen, Gloria’s got some choice words regarding how she can take care of her son when her prison daughters keep chopping off their limbs and appendages. Then Sophia drops in to tell Gloria to tell Benny to stop swearing all the time. Control! Everybody wants some of it over something and there’s nothing nearby to hold on to.
My child is NOT to consume any foods containing any kind of animal products whatsoever.
Betty Crocker’s Bac-O’s Bacon Flavor Bits ARE vegan, fool! Check the damn label!
Gloria: He’s 15. So what he says “fuck.”
Sophia: We don’t talk like that in our house.
Gloria: You think my son is your son’s problem?
Sophia: Tell Benny… to cool it with the dirty jokes and the language. That is if he wants to keep his ride.
Gloria then proceeds to scorch her hand on the saucepan handle and when Caputo shows up to yell at her for ditching her shift to see her son, she quits, but Caputo says she can’t ’cause this is prison and who the fuck else wants this job.
Who the fuck else wants this job?
Did somebody call for Captain Janeway?
Norma smiles. Red smiles back. Maybe the magic worked, she says with her sad eyes. Maybe she’s a follower with leader powers.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Piper informs her Australian friendmate that she could be hoarding leftover fabric to construct additional pairs of panties which she then can wallow in for a few days to pawn off to creeps on the internet. Stella refuses to participate, unwilling to denigrate Whispers’ good name.
Are you wearing a Rodeoh?
Am I wearing a Rodeoh? You bet your ass I am.
Just kidding yes she will.
Alex sweeps the yard while casting longing glances at the Gerber Baby, who practically pops out of his pants with enthusiasm.
I dreamed a dream in time gone by…
I love this song!
Inside, Piper reconnects with Tank Girl, who loves her some Litchfield. Stella cuts Piper in line and flashes her a sneak peak at her panties. The panty business has begun.
I’m gonna fuck you so hard later you won’t even count what you did with Larry as “sex” anymore
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Red’s ordering everybody around and being a bitch to Norma. Maria wants to know if Norma intends to let Red talk to her like that. Probably she’ll slip her a copy of Codependent No More later, like my mother once did for me.
Guru Mack just wants to be a crow. Probably they just saw The Crow. It was a really intense movie. If he’d seen Lost and Delirious, he’d probably wish he was a raven. It happens to the best of us. Or maybe he just saw The Source Family and knows what his storyline was based on and wants to be like Father Yod and jump off a cliff to see if he really does have special flying powers.
Guru Mack wants to know why Norma’s still following him. I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause you manipulated her to be a part of your weirdo cult, ya big asshole?
Guru Mack: I’m a false prophet, Norma. I’m not your God. You have wasted your life on a worthless man. Human. Not special. Not honest. Not good. And now, I’m old. And you’re old and childless, and poor, and damned…
Norma starts crying and he hates it. He hates weakness, he hates witnessing the repercussions of his actions, he hates the idea of taking responsibility for anybody else, which is why he silenced dissent from the get-go by declaring himself an actual G-d.
Guru Mack: If I didn’t tell you where to go and what to do, you’d have no sense of self at all. Nothing. Silent nothing. Worshipping nothing. Speak, woman. FUCKING SPEAK!
He says she’s not speaking ’cause she’s got nothing to say. Welp, joke’s on him ’cause she does have one thing to say…
Norma: SON OF A BITCH
And then she throws him off a cliff!
It doesn’t make any sense! Why isn’t there a White History Month?
Just sayin’, sounds like reverse racism to me
Back in the kitchen, Red is toasting with her new kitchen crew when Caputo rolls in with several large boxes he refers to as “pre-packaged boil-in-the-bag meals,” which strikes fear in the embers of Red’s vegetable-loving heart.
C’mon, just try it. It’s poison.
You’ve just gotta dump these in a steamer! Says Caputo. The girls laugh. Red glares at Norma, like her magic hands were supposed to fix all this but didn’t. But this glare fixes one thing: Norma’s dedication to Red. She’s been taken for granted before, only to find herself hated for doing the one thing always demanded of her: to be wordlessly and faithfully dedicated. She is walking away from the possibility of being a girl on a cliff again.
I can’t wait to catch up on Unicorn Plan-It
And thus begins Normaism. I’m gonna be real with y’all: I hated this storyline SO MUCH (and couldn’t buy for one second that Poussey would get involved with it). It didn’t make sense on so many levels and took up valuable time that could’ve been better employed.
AND if you touch your nose a little bit, like this, you can look like a baby pig!
PRAISE NORMA
She blesses them, every one, putting her thumb on their forehead, putting her hand on their shoulder. She knows how this works. She’s watched and waited all this time and now she knows the score. She kisses Soso on the forehead. She feels the energy. She’s glowing. AND SCENE.